#i’ve been obsessed w them since i was 14 like we go way back

[girlfictions]

rainbow kitten surprise lyrics are batshit insane like what do you mean “it's second nature to love you, it's first to die” and “was i born a stone? heavy to hold and cold in the hands that you left me to warm in the sun” and “if you really don't mind, take me as i am, take me as i am, when you get a chance, take your time, i understand, believe me when i say i carry all my sins”..... Bitch! 🤯

[blochnessm0nstr]

Way too much info about me!! (Warning, word vomit)

My stats:

Height: 5’7

Sw: 184 lbs

Cw: 156 lbs

Lw: 151 lbs

Gw: 96 lbs

I’ve been bulimic since March but last night i binged and could barely purge, scared me right back into ana. I was ana for about a year before that though.

It’s currently 8 AM and i haven’t slept, but i don’t wanna sleep through christmas eve so i’m too scared to go to sleep now, oh well I’ll pull another all nighter

Kind of? addicted to getting high on benadryl which is really stupid but yknow. Trying to stop because last time i dosed i had 35 (875mg) and barely hallucinated at all and if i dose again i’ll probably want at least a gram which scares me, don’t want seizures. Was alcoholic when i was 14 but passed out behind a closed down bush’s chicken (blood alcohol level was 0.27) and had to go to the hospital, haven’t really drank since. Been hospitalized once for benadryl as well, took 35 before my tolerance was very high (like it is now) and was speaking gibberish and my mom found me :/ went to the psych ward after that one.

Been to 3 psych wards in the span of 2 months for various reasons, was diagnosed w a lot but i don’t trust them because they diagnosed me w BPD even though i’m only 15? Off all my meds too because fuck em.

Dad recently shot up my house then killed himself so that’s fun. Happened 8? days ago i think. He had a little psychotic break. He had pretty bad bipolar disorder so honestly he wasn’t really acting out of character.

Obsessed w butterflies and ready to make it my whole personality. The color purple too.

This is mostly for my own well being because i really need somewhere to vent/blog and why not make it public?

I love piercings sm, and will be getting more hopefully in the near future. I currently have 4 lobes, both daiths, 2 helixes, 1 nostril, smiley, frowny, tongue web, and a vertical labret. I really want snake bites, medusa, other nostril, and dimples, as well as a shit ton more on my ears. Have to wait until after my dad’s funeral though, his family is very conservative and my mom doesn’t want to be judged.

I really like working out and have a bit of muscle, but i wanna be way more toned.

Still unhealthily obsessed w my ex who dumped me right after i got out of the psych ward the first time (and ditched me to drink alone, which is when i almost died) he was good to me before the end, I think he’s in jail now though, not positive. He just kinda disappeared.

Mom keeps trying to send me to a ed clinic, rehab, or RTC so if i disappear i probably didn’t die.

Came from twitter but it’s shit now so i’m here, i like it so far.

I used to self harm a lot, like a lot. Used to have a shtwt account but we don’t do that anymore, it made me feel special because i could cut to beans 😬. I won’t post any gore on here. If i ever post my body (unlikely for a long while) be warned there will be scars.

edit: I’m also depressed asf if u couldn’t tell 😭 barely hanging on by a thread. I need to clean so bad i’m considering overdosing on sudafed to give me the energy.

I live w just my mom, my brothers in college, and my dads dead (obvi) probs gonna have to move now that we only have one income.

I doubt anyone read this but that’s my whole life basically. I’m really sweet but get so scared ppl r judging me when they interact so i may not answer 😭

[ronwae]

childhood au

so i'll try to reconstruct what Ralphies life as a kid was

a few facts from the game that we know:

* is younger than Nicky ( if Nicky is about 28/27 i imagine Ralph to be about 25/24 ) meaning that if Nicky immigrated w his relatives as a young child Ralph was probably already born in the US.( this could be the reason why in ch.1 he talks about being a real newyorker and makes fun of mc about it)

* Was abused (probably for the entirety of his childhood) by his alcoholic mother

* His father left him ( he says :" he went to get a pack pf smokes one day and never came back" this gives me the feeling that he would be at least 5/6+ years when that happened.

* Got into street fights and probably lost since once again he says " beat me up as bad as the boys" meaning that he was THE VICTIM HELLOO??

* there is also a small dialogue in ch.1 where it's mentioned that he always skipped school and probs stopped going there pretty early

* it's obvious that he lived in some gutter idk how to rephrase this

* was always close to nicky from the early childhood " we were the closest"

* one memory that Nicky narrates to us is making paper boats for Ralph and letting them sail on rainy days

* in spite of this we are told that Nicky never showed Ralph much affection, for example when Nicky is being sweet to mc he replies with "i've never seen him act like this"

* and in another line he says " i don't need nobody to stick their neck out for me" so yeah, he's been left alone and neglected for a while

Actual Childhood

i will compare Ralph with Nicky throughout this whole text and make a point about being very different.

1. His relationship with his mother

As long as Nicky had part of a more loving(normal) mom, Ralph clearly was less lucky. Literally being on his own with an alcoholic. Which resulted in him feeling unloved and running from home and getting into gang stuff. By always being belittled and beat by his parent, this usually results with the person later in life having big problems with aggression, this explaining why he likes being a criminal and jokes about others dying( this being a possibility to release all that anger from his childhood).

At the same time another prominent characteristic of his is the thing where he always does what he's told. We see this when he says that "Nicky taught him this and that" and also in that scene where he & Floyd sign documents. And there Ralph was right about not wanting to sign the deed to the speakeasy, but under Floyds pressure he literally breaks in less than a second. I explained this behaviour not by being simply " weak of spirit" or simply a loser, but the desire for approval, recognition and literally being patted on the shoulder for doing good. Since he's never been shown any kind of affection, he desperately tries to subconsciously earn it.

I think i should also add that by Freud( hate on me but this guy made a few good points) a mans relationship with his partner corelates with his relationship with his mother ( vice versa for women), so it makes sense why Nicky - with a loving mom found his soulmate, and Ralph didn't. ( i assume that he never had a long term relationship ). ( this is my personal theory)

2. His relationship with his dad

none🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥

3. His relationship with Nicky

now this one is just a continuation of point 1.

I've always felt some part of jealousy for Nicky. Maybe he got into crime because he always wanted to be like Nicky and even talked about living in Nicky's mansion after he takes his role. Im sure that he love's Nicky and feels bad for betraying him, but i understand why he'd do that. Maybe he tried to subconsciously prove to himself that he can make his own decisions but that turned out... well... bad.

But i imagine them both having a really good relationship, good un their own way.

And that point where they both mentioned that Nicky tried to prevent Ralph from joining the mafia, if i put myself in his shoes i would take that not as a way to keep me safe but a way to keep me from succeeding or always remaining in Nicky's shadow.

okay now for the actual actual childhood headcanons

* I feel like Ralph would be actually a pretty smart child. Besides being curious i feel that he'd say smart,correct and deep thoughts and not even realise that.

* He'd still have problems spelling and understanding basic math:/

* lived admiring rich people on the covers of magazines or in the movies

* was pretty much of a loner as a child and didn't have many friend except Nicky

* while Nicky was the lively, active and charismatic one, Ralphie would be the quiet kid until 12/13 yrs

* that meaning that he would usually be made fun of or beaten by older kids

* i don't think he'd fight back much, not with bare hands at least

* in general i think he'd despise actual fights, more of a gun/knife guy

* disliked Nicky's dog, or any four legged animal ( doesn't hate them but doesn't love either)

* birds on the other hand

* they always gave him hope and the desire to just be free and escape his home and everyone he knew. the same with sailing, loved the idea of just leaving alone into the open ocean

* irrational fear of death

* if there is a living creature that he loves more that birds it would be butterflies

* but no one knows that since he's embarrassed to admit it

* would create many problems as a child

* starting with the basic running from school up to setting someones hair on fire with a lighter

* mentioning the lighter, tried smoking at about 14 but nearly choked to death because of his asthma

* and because of asthma i think there would be multiple times where he almost died

* as a kid probably lived near a garage and spent most of his free time watching men repairing cars

* car obsession phase

* even started drawing them at some point and got pretty good at mechanical drawings

* dreamed of becoming a racer

* once told that to a girl he liked in like grade 4 and almost died of pride when she applauded him for his ambitions

* and his ambitions were always high

* the second he'd see or hear about something grand or fancy he'd add it to his mental list of wishes

* made friends with some local old guy who was very sarcastic and nihilistic and literally based his personality on that

* would have to get around life on his own and by that i mean that he sew his own clothes, made his own food, when he got lost -spent hours walking around new york until he found his street without asking anyone for directions

* at some point picked up smoking because even though at first it was death threatening

* at about 16/17 totally found himself in the "wiseguy" persona and at this point there wasn't a returning point

* had a couple of girlfriends but dated them for a month at best

YES I LIKE PSYCHOLOGY YES I WANT TO BECOME A PSYCHIATRIST AND I LOVE CHARACTER ANALYSIS

[jandjsalmon]

FICS I’VE READ THIS WEEK (52)

Hello everybody!! This is a long one. Sorry about that.

It’s been a full year since I started this nonsense, can you believe it!? It’s been a year since our fandom changed irreparably following that leak and horrible, horrible musical episode (that many -including myself- have never seen all the way through). In fact, I resigned myself to watching through gifs, unsubscribed from the CW and unfollowed basically every social media account for the show and cast (save one) and blocked a whole lot of new terms.

I took on this project because I wanted to remind myself how much I loved fanfiction - and how it didn’t matter what happened in canon because we had so many amazing and talented content creators. And I’m SO pleased and happy that I was right. 

If anyone is interested in the spreadsheet I created for this exercise you can check it out here on this googledoc. I’m going to be taking part in a different fanfiction challenge next (check out @fanfic-reading-challenge​) - so this doc won’t really be updated. It’ll be weird not keeping track like this but perhaps I’ll come up with a better, more efficient way to keep track of all the words and chapters that I read... 

Anyway here are some stats: 

I’ve read 22,455,909 words (7,996,649 of them Bughead) since April 16, 2020. 

The bughead author I’ve read the most of unsurprisingly was @thepointoftheneedle​ - I reread her entire collection three times - upwards of 800,000 words of hers alone. It’s not a secret. I’m a fangirl. But I also like her as a person so that’s a special benefit of being involved in fandom.  

Of course then there was my girl @likemereckless - whom I beta read many many fics for during this pandemic. So when I say I’ve read 384,883 of her words - I mean, I’ve probably read them all three or four times that as I edited and fangirled and was a cheerleader for her through the year. 

One spot for improvement, I guess, would be that I only read 3 fics (total) of non-Bughead riverdale fic (though one is actually Bughead adjacent because it’s their son). I suppose I should check out some Varchie fics (as long as they don’t break up Bughead of course) - so I can support our friends in the bugvarchie community. On my to-do list.

I was introduced to new pairings I’d never read before like at the end of May 2020 - when @anniemurphys shared a single link to a “The Society” fic (a show I’d never actually watched before) - and then I got SUCKED in.  That led me to a bunch of really great writers - like @livinginrhythm - who’s collection I’ve read through twice (all except the cheating fics) - and some of their oneshots have 35000 words! I kept track and I read more of their words than anyone else - a total of 1,069,203 words belong to them!

Then @feelavalanche answered my call for pairings to read - cajoling me into watching Midsommar and delving into the fic.  Between  Anonlady and Rimanez I’ve read 1,125,000 words (+675,000 for rimanez and aonlady +450000 words). And I also gained a crazy obsession with this low-key actor from Sweden (because they make them pretty there) and now know way more than I should... and I’ve seen way more of him than I should. 👀 Gösta *cough*.

I read pairings I’d never thought of before - like Phryne Fisher/Jack Robinson  for Mother Maple - who loves Miss Fisher. I did not love the fic (I’m sorry, MM) but it was interesting diving into something new and different (even if it was only for one fic).

I watched new shows (like Never Have I Ever, Boardwalk Empire, Bridgerton, The Happiest Season, and Fargo) and with those came new fics and new pairings and new fandom friends. 

I’m so grateful for all of you who came along for the ride. *pointedy looks at new friends @portiaadams @winterlovesong1 and @queenie-004*

Now I’m going to go read @thepointoftheneedle‘s new masterpiece. It’just BARELY didn’t make the cut for this week (because I’d done all my calculations before she posted it. Ha ha.) 

I hope you all stay healthy and stay safe. 😘

Thanks for being here. 

Anyway  - here is my last reading list for this exercise. This is the list for the week of April 09-April 15th

Weeks 1- 51 (3580 chapters)

Week 52 (116 chapters)

(Annual Chapter Total = 3696)

---

BUGHEAD - 14

Becoming Eleanor by @srainebuggie (chapter 7)

Sharing A Wall by Melaniemia (chapter 3)

right back where we started from by @stonerbughead (chapter 2)

five endings jughead never wrote (and one he did) by @imreallyloveleee (1/1)

the shadows cannot keep you by @winterlovesong1 (2/2)

I only love you more when it snows by @winterlovesong1 (1/1)

make it new by @sullypants (chapter 3)

Regrets Collect like Bullet Shells by @loveandcoffeeandsimplicities (chapter 29) 

The Tides that Change by @loveandcoffeeandsimplicities (chapters 3 & 4)

slowing down by @fallout-mars (1/1)

in the air by @sullypants (chapters 18 & 19)

---

Bughead Rereads - 3

subway song by @literatiruinedme (1/1)

the things that make us (the way we are) by @darknessaroundus (1/1)

don't give a damn ('bout your bad reputation) by @darknessaroundus (1/1)

---

MISCELLANEOUS - 74

In Through An Out Door by @djgrannyglasses (Hyde/Jackie - chapter 3)

e-mails from Austenland by @everyl1ttleth1ng (Austenland - 62/62)

the sweetest life (and the loving is easy when you're with me) by @latinasmoak (Penelope/Colin - first chapter!)

Fluctuations by @treaddelicately (Scott Lang/Hope Van Dyne - 1/1)

everybody wants you by @livinginrhythm (Harry/Allie - 1/1)

i could never give you peace by @livinginrhythm (Harry/Allie - 1/1)

you're right in the center by @livinginrhythm (Harry/Allie - 1/1)

Counterplay by @alexandra-emerson (Draco/Ginny - chapters 25-28)

The breeding program by Chevalier_Barthelemy (Five/Vanya - chapter 11)

Hand in Hand to Hell by @portiaadams (Boardwalk Empire - chapter 2)

---

Misc. Rereads - 25

tenderness of heart by liminal (Austenland - 1/1)

you belong somewhere close to me by georgiestauffenberg (Anne/Gilbert - 1/1) *Anne with an E - SOULMATES! It’s amazing*

even when you're here i kinda miss you by @livinginrhythm (Harry/Allie - 1/1)

i wanna call it for what it is by @livinginrhythm (Harry/Allie - 1/1)

whoever says it first is the bravest by @livinginrhythm (Harry/Allie - 1/1)

right before i close my eyes by @livinginrhythm (Harry/Allie - 1/1)

keep pushing back the time to call it quits by @livinginrhythm (Harry/Allie - 1/1)

You'd Be Here By Now by @livinginrhythm (Harry/Allie - 4/4)

will you have me? by @livinginrhythm (Harry/Allie - 1/1)

tell me i should stay by @livinginrhythm (Harry/Allie - 1/1)

I'll Unfold Before You by @livinginrhythm (Harry/Allie - 1/1)

Someday We're Gonna Know Too Much To Know It All by @livinginrhythm (Harry/Allie - 11/11)

[marlborodean]

spn quotes: season two

i’m collecting a bunch of quotes from the show! my favorite lines, good points of characterization, etc. all organized by episode and character, and with timestamps!

w/ncest shippers get lost

season one.

1. IN MY TIME OF DYING

Dean—

I’ve done everything you have ever asked me. Everything. I’ve given everything I’ve ever had. Now you’re just gonna sit there and you’re gonna watch me die? I mean, what the hell kind of father are you? (11:14)

So you’re okay with dying? [Tessa: No, of course not. I just think, whatever’s gonna happen is gonna happen. It’s out of my control. It’s just...fate.] Hm. That’s crap. You always have a choice. You can either roll over and die, or you can keep fighting no matter what. (18:48)

There’s no such thing as an honorable death. My corpse is gonna rot in the ground, and my family is gonna die. (30:38)

[John: You know, when, uh...when you were a kid, I’d come home from a hunt, and after what I’d seen, I’d be...I’d be wrecked. And you...you’d come up to me, and you’d put your hand on my shoulder, and you’d look me in the eye, and you’d...you’d say, “It’s okay, Dad.” Dean, I’m sorry.] Why? [You shouldn’t have had to say that to me, I should’ve been saying that to you. You know, I put...I put too much on your shoulders. I made you grow up too fast. You took care of Sammy, you took care of me. You did that. And you didn’t complain, not once.] (37:27)

Sam—

How is revenge gonna help him? You're not thinking about anybody but yourself. It's the same selfish obsession! (13:17)

I don't know how to help you. But I'll keep trying, alright? As long as you keep fighting. I mean, come on, you can't...you can't leave me here alone with Dad, we'll kill each other, you know that. Dean, you gotta hold on. You can't go, man, not now. We were just starting to be brothers again. (28:36)

Misc—

Tessa: You'll stay here for years—disembodied, scared. And over the decades, it'll probably drive you mad. Maybe you'll even get violent. [Dean: What are you saying?] Dean, how do you think angry spirits are born? They can't let go, and they can't move on. And you're about to become one: the same thing you hunt. (31:15)

Azazel: If only your boys knew how much their daddy loved them. (32:15)

2. EVERYBODY LOVES A CLOWN

Dean—

[Ellen: I’m so sorry.] It’s okay. We’re alright. [Really. I know how close you and your dad—] Really, lady, I’m fine. (11:37)

[Sam: You ever notice Dad had a falling-out with just about everybody? Don’t get all maudlin on me, man.] What do you mean? [I mean this strong, silent thing of yours. It’s crap, I’m over it.] Oh my God. [This isn’t just anyone we’re talking about, this is Dad. I know how you felt about the man.] You know what? Back off, alright? Just because I’m not caring and sharing like you want me to— [No no no, that’s not what this is about, Dean. I don’t care how you deal with this, but you have to deal with it, man! Listen, I’m your brother, alright? I just wanna make sure you’re okay.] Dude, I’m okay! I’m okay, okay? I swear, the next person who asks me if I’m okay, I’m gonna start throwing punches. These are your issues. Quit dumping them on me. [What are you talking about?] I just think it’s really interesting, this sudden obedience you have to Dad. It’s like, “Oh, what would Dad want me to do?” Sam, you spent your entire life slugging it out with that man. I mean, hell, you—you picked a fight with him the last time you ever saw him, and now that he’s dead, now you want to make it right? Well, I’m sorry, Sam, but you can’t. It’s too little, too late. [Why are you saying this to me?] Because I want you to be honest with yourself about this! I’m dealing with Dad’s death! Are you? (29:48)

Sam—

[Dean: This case was your idea. By the way, why is that? You were awfully quick to jump on this job.] So? [It's just not like you, that's all. I thought you were hell-bent for leather on the demon hunt.] I don't know, I just think taking this job, it's what Dad would have wanted us to do. (16:57)

[Mr. Cooper: You see, this place is a refuge for outcasts, always has been, for folks that don't fit in nowhere else. But you two...you should go to school, find a couple of girls, have 2.5 kids. Live regular.] Sir, we don't want to go school, and we don't want regular. We want this. (22:34)

[Dean: I thought that once the demon was dead and the fat lady sings that you were gonna take off, head back to wussy state.] I'm having second thoughts. [Really?] Yeah. I think Dad would have wanted me to stick with the job. [Since when do you give a damn what Dad wanted? You spent half your life doing what he didn't want, Sam.] Since he died, okay? You have a problem with that? (23:27)

I'm sorry that the last time I was with him, I tried to pick a fight. I'm sorry that I spent most of my life angry at him. I mean, for all I know, he died thinking that I hate him. So you're right. What I'm doing right now, it is too little. It's too late. I miss him, man. And I feel guilty as hell. And I'm not all right, not at all. But neither are you. That much I know. (39:04)

3. BLOODLUST

Dean—

So I picked up this crossbow, and I hit that ugly sucker—silver-tipped arrow, right in his heart. Sammy’s waiting in the car, and me and my dad take the thing into the woods, burn it to a crisp. I’m sitting there, and I’m looking into the fire, I’m thinking to myself, “I’m 16 years old. Kids my age are worried about pimples, prom dates. I’m seeing things that they’ll never even know, never even dream of.” So right then, I just sort of.... [Gordon: Embraced the life?] Yeah. (16:16)

You’re always saying to yourself, “He’s indestructible. He’ll always be around. Nothing can kill my dad.” And just like that, he’s gone. I can’t talk about this to Sammy. No, I got to keep my game face on. But, uh...truth is, I’m not handling it very well. I feel like I have this— [Gordon: Hole inside you? And it just gets bigger and bigger and darker and darker? Good. You can use it. Keeps you hungry. Trust me, there’s plenty out there needs killing, and this will help you do it. Dean, it’s not a crime to need your job.] (18:32)

[Gordon: It’s all black-and-white. There’s no maybe. You find the bad thing, kill it. See, most people spend their lives in shades of gray. Is this right? Is that wrong? Not us.] Not sure Sammy would agree with you, but, uh. [Doesn’t seem like your brother’s much like us. I’m not saying he’s wrong, just different. You and me, we were born to do this. It’s in our blood.] (20:22)

[Sam: You know what? You slap on this big smile, but I can see right through it, ‘cause I know how you feel, Dean. Dad’s dead. And he left a hole, and it hurts so bad you can’t take it. But you can’t just fill up that hole with whoever you want to.] (27:47)

[Gordon: You’re not like your brother. You’re a killer, like me.] (37:08)

I wish we never took this job. It just jacked everything up. [Sam: What do you mean?] Think about all the hunts we went on, Sammy, our whole lives. [Okay.] What if we killed things that didn’t deserve killing. You know? I mean, the way Dad raised us. [Dean, after what happened to Mom...Dad did the best he could.] I know he did. But maybe he wasn’t perfect. And the way he raised us, to hate those things—and man, I hate them. I do. When I killed that vampire at the mill, I didn’t even think about it. Hell, I even enjoyed it. [You didn’t kill Lenore.] No, but every instinct told me to. I was gonna kill her. I was gonna kill them all. (40:20)

Sam—

[Gordon: Well, lighten up a little, Sammy!] He's the only one that gets to call me that. (15:05)

4. CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS

Dean—

Going to visit Mom’s grave? She doesn’t even have a grave. There was no body left after the fire. [Sam: She has a headstone.] Yeah, put up by our uncle, a man that we’ve never even met. So you wanna go pay resects to a slab of granite put up by a stranger? Come on. [Dean, that’s not the point.] Well, them enlighten me, Sam. [It’s not about a body or a casket. It’s about her memory, okay? And after Dad, it just—it just feels like the right thing to do.] It’s irrational, is what it is. [Look, man, no one asked you to come.] Why don’t we swing by the roadhouse instead? I mean, we haven’t heard anything on the demon lately. We should be hunting that son-of-a-bitch down. [That’s a good idea! You should! Just drop me off, I’ll hitch a ride, and I’ll meet you there tomorrow.] Right. Stuck with those people, making awkward small talk until you show up. No thanks. (02:48)

[Sam: Look, maybe you’re imagining a hunt where there isn’t one, so you don’t have to think about Mom, or Dad. You wanna take another swing? Go ahead, if it’ll make you feel better.] I don’t need this crap. [Dean, where are you going?] I’m gonna go get a drink. Alone. (09:59)

Look, I get it. Okay? There are people that I would give anything to see again, but what gives you the right? [Sam: Dean.] [Dr. Mason: What are you talking about?] What’s dead should stay dead! (20:51)

[Sam: Dean, I don’t scare easy, but, man, you’re scaring the crap out of me.] Don’t be overdramatic, Sam. [You’re lucky this turned out to be a real case, ‘cause if it wasn’t, you would’ve just found something else to kill. You’re on edge, you’re erratic, except for when you’re hunting, ‘cause then you’re downright scary. You’re tailspinning, man! And you refuse to talk about it, and you won’t let me help you.] I can take care of myself, thanks. [No, you can’t! And you know what? You’re the only one who thinks you should have to. You don’t have to handle this on your own, Dean. No one can.] (21:44)

I’m sorry. [Sam: For what?] The way I’ve been acting. And for Dad. Well, he was your dad, too. It’s my fault that he’s gone. [What are you talking about?] I know you’ve been thinking it. So have I. Doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. Back at the hospital, I had a full recovery. It was a miracle. And five minutes later, Dad’s dead and the Colt’s gone. [Dean....] You can’t tell me there’s not a connection there. I don’t know how the demon was involved, I don’t know how the whole thing went down exactly, but Dad’s dead because of me, and that much I do know. [We don’t know that, not for sure.] Sam, you and Dad, you’re the most important people in my life. And now...I never should’ve come back, Sam, it wasn’t natural, and now look what’s come of it. I was dead, and I should’ve stayed dead. You wanted to know how I was feeling. So tell me, what could you possibly say to make that alright? (38:56)

Sam—

[Dean: Going to visit Mom's grave? She doesn't even have a grave. There was no body left after the fire.] She has a headstone. [Yeah, put up by our uncle, a man that we've never even met. So you wanna go pay your respects to a slab of granite put up by a stranger? Come on.] Dean, that's not the point. [Well, then, enlighten me, Sam.] It's not about a body or a casket. It's about her memory, okay? And after Dad, it just—it just feels like the right thing to do. (02:48)

You're tailspinning, man. And you refuse to talk about it, and you won't let me help you. [Dean: I can take care of myself, thanks.] No, you can't! And you know what? You're the only one who thinks you should have to. You don't have to handle this on your own, Dean. No one can. [Sam, if you bring up Dad's death one more time, I swear—] Please, Dean, it's killing you. Please. We've already lost Dad. We lost Mom. I've lost Jessica. And now I'm gonna lose you, too? (21:44)

5. SIMON SAID

Dean—

You know, one day I’d love to just sit down and eat something that I didn’t have to microwave at a minimart. (18:03)

[Sam: You know, I heard you before, Dean, when Andy made you tell the truth. You’re just as scared of this as I am.] That was mind control! It’s like—it’s like being roofied, man. That doesn’t count. [What?] No, I—I’m calling do-over. [What are you, 7?] Doesn’t matter. Look, we just gotta keep doing what we’re doing, find that evil son of a bitch and kill it. (36:06)

Sam—

[Dean: There's gonna be hunters there. I don't know if—if going in and announcing that you're some supernatural freak with a demonic connection is the best thing, okay?] So I'm a freak now? [You've always been a freak.] (04:14)

Demon came to them when they were kids. Now they're killing people. [Dean: We don't know what Andrew Gallagher is, okay? Could be innocent.] My visions haven't been wrong yet! [What's your point?] My point is, I'm one of them. [No, you're not.] Dean, the demon said he had plans for me and children like me. [Yeah?] Yeah, maybe this is his plan. Maybe we're all a bunch of psychic freaks. Maybe we're all supposed to be— [Killers?] Yeah. [So the demon wants you out there, killing with your minds, is that it? Oh, give me a break. You're not a murderer, Sam! You don't have it in your bones!] No? Last I checked, I kill all kinds of things. [Those things were asking for it. There's a difference.] (10:47)

Looks like I was right. [Dean: About what?] Andy. He's a killer after all. [No, he's a hero. He saved his girlfriend's life. He saved my life.] Bottom line, last night he wasted somebody. [Yeah, but he's not a foaming-at-the-mouth psycho. He was just—he was pushed into that.] Webber was pushed, too, in his own way. Max Miller was pushed. Hell, I was pushed by Jessica's death. [What's your point, Sam?] Right circumstances, everyone is capable of murder. Everyone. (35:28)

6. NO EXIT

Dean—

[Jo: You know, I’ve had it up to here with your crap.] Excuse me? [Your chauvinist crap. You think women can’t do the job.] Sweetheart, this ain’t gender studies. Women can do the job fine. Amateurs can’t. You got no experience! What you do have is a bunch of half-baked romantic notions that some barfly has put in your head. [And now you sound like my mother.] Oh, and that’s a bad thing? (09:56)

Jo, you got options. No on in their right mind chooses this life. My dad started me in this when I was so young. I wish I could do something else. [Jo: You love the job.] Yeah, but I’m a little twisted. [You don’t think I’m a little twisted, too?] Jo, you got a mother that worries about you, who wants something more for you. Those are good things. You don’t throw things like that away. They might be hard to find later. (10:24)

[Jo: What do you remember about your dad? I mean, what’s the first thing that pops into your head? Come on, tell me.] I was 6 or 7, and uh...he took me shooting for the first time. Bottles on a fence—that kind of things. I bull’s-eyed every one of them. And he would smile, like...I don’t know. [He must have been proud.] (16:13)

Sam—

Is this job as glamorous as you thought it would be? [Jo: Well, except for all the pee-your-pants terror, yeah. But that Theresa girl’s gonna live a life ‘cause of us. It’s worth it, isn’t it?] Yeah. Yeah, it is. (36:00)

Misc—

Ellen: I am your mother! I don't have to be reasonable! (03:06)

7. THE USUAL SUSPECTS

Dean—

My name is Dean Winchester. I’m an Aquarius. I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach, and frisky women. (21:59)

[Sam: Nice lady.] Yeah, for a cop. (41:19)

Sam—

[Diana: Then about a year ago, there was a fire in your apartment. One fatality—Jessica Moore, your girlfriend. After she died, you fell off the grid—left behind everything.] I needed some time off...to deal. So I’m taking a road trip with my brother. (03:49)

[Dean: What do you think, Scully?] I’m not Scully, you’re Scully. [No, I’m Mulder. You’re a red-headed woman.] (06:35)

8. CROSSROAD BLUES

Dean—

[Sam: We got to find out if anyone else struck any bargains around here.] Great. So we got to clean up these people’s mess for them? I mean, they’re not exactly squeaky clean. Nobody put a gun to their head and forced them to play “Let’s Make a Deal.” [So what, we should just leave them to die?] Somebody goes over Niagara in a barrel, you gonna jump in to try to save them? [Dean.] Alright. Fine. (14:44)

[Demon: You’d sacrifice your life for someone else’s. Like father, like son. (29:01) 

[Demon: I’m not gonna put you out of your misery.] Yeah? Why not? [’Cause your misery is the whole point. It’s too much to watch. Knowing how your daddy died for you, how he sold his soul—I mean, that’s got to hurt. He’s all you ever think about. You wake up and your first thought is, “I can’t do this anymore.” You’re all lit up with pain. I mean, you loved him so much. And it’s all your fault. You blew it, Dean! I could’ve given you what you need.] What do I need? [Your father.] (30:36)

How could he do it? [Sam: He did it for you.] Exactly. How am I supposed to live with that? (38:14)

Sam—

How many people do you think Dad saved total? [Dean: That's not the point, Sam.] Evan Hudson is safe because of what Dad taught us. That's his legacy, Dean. Now we're still here, man, so we got to keep going. For him. (38:48)

Misc—

George: Listen, I get that you boys want to help, but sometimes a person makes their bed and they just got to lie down in it. (17:38)

9. CROATOAN

Dean—

Hey, look, man, I’m not happy about this, okay? But it's a tough job, and you know that. [Sam: It's supposed to be tough, Dean. We're supposed to struggle with this. That's the whole point.] What does that buy us? [A clear conscience, for one.] Well, it's too late for that. [What the hell has happened to you?] What? [You might kill an innocent man, and you don't even care. You don't act like yourself anymore, Dean. Hell, you know what, you're acting like one of those things out there.] (25:40)

[Sam: Go with them. This is your only chance.] Ah, you're not gonna get rid of me that easy. (31:17)

[Sam: Dean, I'm sick. It's over for me. It doesn't have to be for you.] No—[No, you can keep going.] Who says I want to? [What?] I'm tired, Sam. I'm tired of this job, this life, this weight on my shoulders, man, I'm tired of it. [So what, so you're just gonna give up? I mean, you're just gonna lay down and die? Look, Dean, I know this stuff with Dad had—] You're wrong. It's not about Dad. I mean, part of it is, sure— [Then what is it about?] (32:54)

I just think we should take a break from all this. Why do we got to get stuck with all the responsibility, you know? Why can't we live life a little bit? [Why are you saying all this? No no no no no, Dean. You're my brother, alright? So whatever weight you're carrying, let me help a little bit.] I can't. I promised. [Who?] Dad. (39:23)

Sam—

[Dean: Hey, look, man, I'm not happy about this, okay? But it's a tough job, and you know that.] It's supposed to be tough, Dean. We're supposed to struggle with this. That's the whole point. [What does that buy us?] A clear conscience, for one. (25:40)

You're my brother, alright? So whatever weight you're carrying, let me help a little bit. (39:38)

10. HUNTED

Dean—

He said that he...wanted me to watch out for you. Take care of you. [Sam: He told you that a million times.] Well, this time was different. He said that I had to...save you. [Save me from what?] He just said that I had to save you, and nothing else mattered and that if I couldn't, I'd.... [You'd what, Dean?] I'd have to kill you. He said that I might have to kill you, Sammy. (04:10)

[Sam: How could you not have told me this?] Because it was Dad and he begged me not to. [Who cares? Take some responsibility for yourself Dean! You had no right to keep this from me!] You think I wanted this? Huh? I wish to God he'd never opened his mouth. Then I wouldn't have to walk around with this screaming in my head all day! (05:05)

And you're pissed at me, and I get it. That's fine, I deserve it. But we lay low until we figure out our next move, okay? [Sam: Forget it.] Sam, please, man. Hey, please. Just give me some time. Give me some time to think, okay? I'm begging you here. Please, please. (06:12)

Come on, Ellen, please. Something bad could be going on here, and I swore I'd look after that kid. [Ellen: They say you can't protect your loved ones forever. Well, I say screw that. What else is family for?] (17:27)

Come on, man. I know Sam, okay? Better than anyone. He's got more of a conscience than I do. I mean, the guy feels guilty surfing the internet for porn. [Gordon: Maybe you're right, but one day, he's gonna be a monster.] How? Huh? How's a guy like Sam become a monster? [Beats me, but he will.] No, you don't know that! [I'm surprised at you, Dean. Getting all emotional. I'd heard you were more of a professional than this.] (29:15)

[Gordon: Look, I'm sympathetic. He's your brother, you love the guy. This has got to hurt like hell for you. But here's the thing. It would've wrecked him, but your dad, if it really came right down to it, he would have had the stones to do the right thing here. So you're telling me, you're not the man he is?] (30:24)

Screw the job. Screw it, man. I'm sick of the job anyway. I mean, we don't get paid, we don't get thanked. The only thing we get's bad luck. [Well, come on, dude, you're a hunter. I mean, it's what you're meant to do.] Oh, I wasn't meant to do anything. I don't believe in that destiny crap. (39:00)

[Sam: You can't run from this, and you can't protect me.] I can try. (39:27)

Sam—

[Dean: He said that I might have to kill you, Sammy.] Kill me? What the hell is that supposed to mean? [I don't know.] I mean, he must've had some kind of reason for saying it, right? I mean, did he know the demon's plans for me? Am I supposed to go dark side or something? What else did he say, Dean? [That's it, I swear.] How could you not have told me this? [Because it was Dad and he begged me not to.] Who cares? Take some responsibility for yourself Dean! You had no right to keep this from me! (04:46)

[Ellen: I wish I could blame the hell out of you boys. It'd be easier. Truth is, it's not your fault. Sam, none of it is.] (10:27)

[Gordon: You wouldn't shoot me, would you, Sammy? 'Cause your brother, he thinks you're some kind of saint.] Yeah, well, I wouldn't be so sure. (33:46)

[Gordon: You're no better than the filthy things you hunt.] *They tussle, Sam points a gun at him.* [Do it. Do it! Show your brother the killer you really are, Sammy.] It's Sam. (34:22)

I'm not gonna just ditch the job. (39:00)

[Dean: Oh, I wasn't meant to do anything. I don't believe in that destiny crap.] You mean you don't believe in my destiny. [Whatever.] Look, Dean, I've tried running before. I mean, I ran all the way to California and look what happened. You can't run from this, and you can't protect me. [I can try.] Thanks for that. Look, Dean, I'm gonna keep hunting. I mean, whatever's coming, I'm taking it head on, so if you really want to watch my back, then I guess you're gonna have to stick around. (39:13)

11. PLAYTHINGS

Dean—

[Sam: We gotta save as many people as we can.] Wow. That attitude is just way too healthy for me. I'm officially uncomfortable now, thank you. (05:16)

[Sam: I need you to watch out for me.] Yeah, I always do. [No no no no, you have to watch out for me, all right? And if I ever turn into something that I'm not...you have to kill me.] Sam.... [Dean, Dad told you to do it. You have to.] Yeah, well, Dad's an ass. He never should've said anything. I mean, you don't do that, you don't—you don't lay that kind of crap on your kids. [No, he was right to say it. Who knows what I might become? Even now, everyone around me dies.] Yeah, well, I'm not dying. Okay? And neither are you. Come on, sit down. [No. Please. Dean, you're the only one who can do it. Promise.] Don't ask that of me. (16:18)

[Sherwin: Well, would you be [happy], leaving the only home you ever knew?] I don't know. I never really knew one. (19:06)

Sam—

I told Ellen we'd think about checking it out. [Dean: You did?] Yeah. You seem surprised. [Yeah, it's just, you know. Not the patented Sam Winchester way, is it?] What way is that? [Just figured after Ava, there'd be, uh, you know, more angst and droopy music and staring out the rainy windows. I'll shut up now.] (04:27)

So I'm not giving up on her, but I'm not gonna let other people die, either. We gotta save as many people as we can. (05:09)

That guy who hung himself...I couldn't save him. [Dean: What are you talking about? You didn't know. You couldn't have done anything.] That's an excuse, Dean. I should have found a way to save him. I should have saved Ava, too. [Yeah, well, you can't save everyone. Even you said that.] No, Dean, you don't understand, alright? The more people I save, the more I can change. [Change what?] My destiny, Dean. (15:46)

I need you to watch out for me. [Dean: Yeah, I always do.] No no no no, you have to watch out for me, alright? And if I ever turn into something that I'm not...you have to kill me. [Dean: Sam....] Dean, Dad told you to do it. You have to. [Yeah, well, Dad's an ass. He never should've said anything. I mean, you don't do that, you don't—you don't lay that kind of crap on your kids.] No, he was right to say it. Who knows what I might become? Even now, everyone around me dies. [Yeah, well, I'm not dying. Okay? And neither are you. Come on, sit down.] No. Please. Dean, you're the only one who can do it. Promise. [Don't ask that of me.] Dean, please. You have to promise me. [I promise.] Thanks. Thank you. (16:18)

12. NIGHTSHIFTER

Dean—

Freaking cops. [Sam: They were just doing their job.] No, they’re doing our job, only they don’t know it, so they suck at it. (03:36)

[Henriksen: I know about your dad.] You don't know crap about my dad. [Ex-Marine, raised his kids on the road, cheap motels, backwood cabins. Real paramilitary survivalist type. I just can't get a handle on what type of wacko he was— white supremist, Timmy McVeigh, tomato, tomahto.] You got no right talking about my dad like that. He was a hero. [Yeah, right. Sure sounds like it.] (31:18)

Sam—

[Dean: When you told that poor son of a bitch to—what did you say?—”remand” the tapes that he copied? “Classified evidence of an ongoing investigation”? That’s messed up.] What, are you pissed at me? [No, I just think it’s a little creepy how good of a Fed you are.] (08:51)

Better to stay in the dark and stay alive. (08:51)

13. HOUSES OF THE HOLY

Dean—

Odd, yes. Supernatural, maybe. But angels? I don't think so. [Sam: Why not?] 'Cause there's no such thing, Sam. [Dean, there's ten times as much lore about angels as there is about anything else we've ever hunted.] Hey, you know what, there's a ton of lore on unicorns, too. In fact, I hear that they ride on silver moonbeams and they shoot rainbows outta their ass. [Wait, there's no such thing as unicorns?] That's cute. I'm just saying, man, there's some legends that you just file under “bullcrap.” [And you got angels on the ”bullcrap” list.] Yep. [Why?] 'Cause I've never seen one. [So what?] So I believe in what I can see. [Dean, you and I have seen things most people couldn't even dream about.] Exactly. With our own eyes—that's hard proof, okay? But in all this time, I have never seen anything that looks like an angel. And don't you think that if they existed that we would've crossed paths with them, or at least know someone that crossed paths with them? (06:17)

You know what? I get it. You've got faith. That's—hey, good for you. I'm sure it makes things easier. I'll tell you who else had faith like that. Mom. She used to tell me when she tucked me in that angels were watching over us. In fact, that was the last thing she ever said to me. [You never told me that.] What's to tell? She was wrong. There was nothing protecting her. There's no higher power. There's no God. I mean, there's just chaos and violence and random, unpredictable evil that comes out of nowhere and rips you to shreds. You want me to believe in this stuff? I'm gonna need to see some hard proof. You got any? (23:09)

Sam—

[Dean: What's next? Are you gonna start praying everyday?] I do. [What?] I do pray every day. I have for a long time. (19:50)

I wanted to believe. So badly. It's so damn hard to do this, what we do, all alone, you know? There's so much evil out in the world, Dean, I feel like I could drown in it. And when I think about my destiny, when I think about how I could end up.... [Dean: Yeah, well, don't worry about that, alright? I'm watching out for you.] Yeah, I know you are. But you're just one person, Dean. And I needed to think that there was something else watching, too, you know? Some higher power, some greater good. And maybe.... [Maybe what?] Maybe I could be saved. But, you know, that just clouded my judgement. And you're right. I mean, we got to go with what we know, with what we can see, with what's right there in front of our own two eyes. (37:54)

14. BORN UNDER A BAD SIGN

Dean—

[Meg!Sam: Then how the hell did I get here, Dean? What happened to me?] I don't know, all right? But you're...you're okay, and that's what matters. Everything else we can deal with. (02:51)

Sam, go wait in the car. [Meg!Sam: But, Dean—] Go wait in the car! (06:40)

What's going on with you, Sam, hm? 'Cause smoking, throwing bottles at people, I mean that sounds more like me than you. (07:51)

You know, I've tried so hard to keep you safe. [Meg!Sam: I know.] I can't. I'd rather die. [No. You'll live.] (15:53)

[Meg!Sam: What the hell's wrong with you, Dean? Are you that scared of being alone that you'd rather let Jo die?] (25:53)

This is my fight. I'm not getting your blood on my hands. That's just how it's gonna be. (31:28)

[Meg!Sam: Dean. Back from the dead. Getting to be a regular thing for you, isn't it? Like a cockroach. (34:13)

[Meg!Sam: All that I had to hold onto was that I would climb out one day and that I was gonna torture you, nice and slow, like pulling the wings off an insect. But whatever I do to you, it's nothing compared to what you do to yourself, is it? I can see it in your eyes, Dean. You're worthless. You couldn't save your dad, and deep down, you know that you can't save your brother. They'd have been better off without you.] (37:21)

[Sam: No matter what I did, you wouldn't shoot.] It was the right move, Sam, it wasn't you. [Yeah, this time. What about next time?] Sam, when Dad told me that I might have to kill you, it was only if I couldn't save you. Now, if it's the last thing I do, I'm gonna save you. (41:01)

Sam—

For the last few weeks, I've been having...I've been having these feelings. [Dean: What feelings?] Rage. Hate. And I can't stop it. It just gets worse. Day by day, it gets worse. [You never told me this.] I didn't want to scare you. (13:52)

[Dean: No one can control you but you.] Sure doesn't seem like that, Dean. It feels like no matter what I do, slowly but surely, I'm—I'm just becoming— [What?] Who I'm meant to be. I mean, you said it once yourself, Dean, I got to face up to who I am. (14:29)

I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't want to hurt you. [Dean: You won't. Whatever this is, you can fight it.] No. I can't. Not forever. (15:16)

My head feels like it's on fire, alright? (25:21)

Misc: 

Meg: Hell is like, uh...well, it's like hell. Even for demons. It's a prison made of bone and flesh and blood and fear. (36:42)

15. TALL TALES

Dean—

[Bobby: Come on, now, you're bickering like an old married couple.] No, see, married couples can get divorced. Me and him? We're like, uh, Siamese twins. [Sam: It's conjoined twins.] See what I mean? [Look, it...we've just been on the road for too long, tight quarters, all that.] (11:19) 

[Sam: Dude, you know something? I put up with a lot from you.] What are you talking about? I'm a joy to be around. [Yeah? Your dirty socks in the sink, your food in the fridge?] What's wrong with my food? [It's not food anymore, Dean! It's Darwinism!] I like it. [And you know what? All I ask from you, the one thing, is that you don't mess with my stuff!] You done? [You know, how would you feel if I screwed with the Impala?] It'd be the last thing you ever did. (21:15)

Sam—

Dude, you know something? I put up with a lot from you. [What are you talking about? I'm a joy to be around.] Yeah? Your dirty socks in the sink, your food in the fridge? [What's wrong with my food?] It's not food anymore, Dean! It's Darwinism! [I like it.] And you know what? All I ask from you, the one thing, is that you don't mess with my stuff! (21:15)

16. ROADKILL

Dean—

You know, just once I'd like to round the corner and see a nice house. (16:14)

Me? I don't like [spirits]. And I sure as hell ain't making apologies for 'em. (20:08)

[Molly: Oh, thank God.] Call me Dean. (28:46)

Sam—

Spirits like Greeley are, uh...like wounded animals. Lost, in so much pain, that they lash out. [Molly: Why? Why are they here?] Well, there's some part of them that...that's keeping them here, like their remains, or um...unfinished business. [Unfinished business....] Yeah, uh, could be revenge. Could be love. Or hate. Whatever it is, they just hold on too tight. Can't let go. So they're trapped, caught in the same loops. Replaying the same tragedies over and over. [You sound almost sorry for them.] Well, they weren't evil people, you know? A lot of them were good, just...something happened to them. Something they couldn't control. (18:52)

[Dean: You think she's really going to a better place?] I hope so. [I guess we'll never know. Not until we take the plunge ourselves, huh?] Doesn't really matter, Dean. Hope's kind of the whole point. (38:23)

17. HEART

Dean—

[Sam: Dean, could you be a bigger geek about this?] I'm sorry, man, but what about a human by day, a freak animal killing machine by moonlight don't you understand? I mean, werewolves are badass. We haven't seen one since we were kids. (04:39)

[Sam: You go. I'll stay.] Forget that. You go after the creepy ex. I'm gonna hang here with the hot chick. [Dude, why do you always get to hang out with the girls?] 'Cause I'm older. [No, screw that. We settle this the old-fashioned way.] *Dean throws scissors while Sam throws rock.* [Dean, always with the scissors!] Shut up, shut up. Two out of three. *Dean throws scissors while Sam throws rock.* God! [Bundle up out there, all right?] (11:11]

Sammy, I got this one. I'll do it. [Sam: She asked me to.] You don't have to. (38:56)

Sam—

I'm not putting a bullet through some girl's chest who has no idea what's happening. [Dean: Sam, she's a monster and you're feeling sorry for her?] Maybe I understand her. (21:26)

18. HOLLYWOOD BABYLON

Dean—

[Sam: You know, I thought you hated being a PA.] I don’t know, it’s not so bad. I kind of feel like part of the team, you know? It’s good. (19:22)

Hey, we got to go check out Johnny Ramone’s grave when we’re gone here. [Sam: You want to go dig him up, too?] Bite your tongue, heathen! (23:25)

[Marty: He wrote a wackjob screenplay. There’s no pace, there’s no love interest. It’s all wackadoo exposition. I had to cut, like, 90 percent of it to make it readable, another 10 percent to make it good.] ...Should have kept Walter’s original script. It’s actually pretty good. (31:15)

Sam—

[Dean: I just figured that, you know, after everything that happened with Madison, you could use a little R&R, that’s all.] Maybe I want to work, Dean. Maybe it keeps my mind off things. (05:38)

19. FOLSOM PRISON BLUES

Dean—

Innocent people are dead—four, so far. [Sam: Yeah, innocent.] What, are you from Texas all of a sudden? Just 'cause these people are in jail doesn't mean they deserve to die. And if we don't stop this thing, people are gonna continue to die. We do the job wherever it takes us. (11:30)

[Sam: You're doing this for Deacon?] Damn right. [We barely even know the guy.] We know he was in the Corps with Dad. We know he saved Dad's life. We know we owe him. [Yeah, all right, but don't you think he's asking a little much?] Doesn't matter. We may not be saints, but we're loyal and we pay our debts. Now, that means something to me, and it ought to to you. (11:47)

[Sam: Dean, does it bother you at all how easily you seem to fit in here?] No, not really. (28:07)

Sam—

I hate this plan, Dean. [Dean: yeah, I got that the first ten times I heard it.] (05:12)

This is, without a doubt, the dumbest, craziest thing we’ve ever done, and that’s in a long, storied career of dumb and crazy. (10:58)

20. WHAT IS AND WHAT SHOULD NEVER BE

Dean—

When I was a kid, what did you always tell me when you put me to bed? [Mary: Dean, I don't understand—] Just answer the question. [I told you angels were watching over you.] (07:05)

Who'd have thought, Baby? We're civilians. (11:42)

That lawn looks like it could use some mowing. [Mary: You want to mow the lawn?] You kidding me? I'd love to mow the lawn. [Knock yourself out. You'd think you've never mowed a lawn in your life.] (13:08)

[Sam: I mean this whole warm, fuzzy, ecstasy-trip thing.] I'm just happy for you, Sammy. [Yeah, right. That's another thing. Since when do you call me “Sammy?” Dean, come on. We don't talk outside of holidays.] We don't? Well, we should. I mean, you're my brother. [”You're my brother?”] Yeah! [You know, that's what you said when you snaked my ATM card, or when you bailed on my graduation, or when you hooked up with Rachel Nave.] Who? [My prom date, on prom night.] Yeah, that does kinda sound like me. Well, hey, man, I'm sorry about all that. [No, look, it's all right, man, I just...you know, I'm not asking you to change, I just.... I don't know, I guess we just don't really have anything in common. You know?] Wait, whoa whoa whoa, yes we do. Yes we do. [What?] Hunting. [Hunting? I've never been hunting in my life, Dean.] Yeah, well, then we should go sometime. I think you'd be great at it. (17:51)

I can fix things with Sam. I can make it up to him. To everyone. [Carmen: Okay. What's gotten into you lately?] This isn't gonna make a lick of sense to you...but I kind of feel like I've been given a second chance. And I don't want to waste it. (19:58)

And there's this woman that's haunting me, I don't know why. I don't know what the connection is—not yet, anyway. It's like my old life is coming after me or something, you know, like it doesn't want me to be happy. Of course, I know what you'd say. Well, not the you that played softball, but you'd say, "Go hunt the djinn. It put you here, it can put you back. Your happiness or all those people's lives, no contest." Right? But why? Why is it my job to save these people? Why do I have to be some kind of hero? What about us, huh? What, Mom's not supposed to live her life? Sammy's not supposed to get married? Why do we have to sacrifice everything, Dad? (23:14)

I'm sorry that we don't get along. And I wish to hell I could stay and fix it. But I gotta do this. People's lives depend on it. (26:07)

[Djinn!Sam: Why'd you have to keep digging? Why couldn't you have left well-enough alone? You were happy.] [Djinn!Mary: Put the knife down, honey.] You're not real. None of it is. [It doesn't matter. It's still better than anything you had.] What? [It's everything you want. We're a family again. Let's go home.] I'll die. The djinn will drain the life out of me in a couple days. [But in here, with us, it'll feel like years, like a lifetime. I promise. No more pain, no more fear. Just love and comfort and safety. Dean, stay with us. Get some rest.] [Djinn!Jessica: You don't have to worry about Sam anymore. You get to watch him live a full life.] [Djinn!Carmen: We can have a future together, have our own family. I love you, Dean. Please.] [Djinn!Sam: Why is it our job to save everyone? Haven't we done enough? I'm begging you. Give me the knife.] I'm sorry. (34:47)

I gotta tell you, though, man, you know, you had Jess. Mom was gonna have grandkids. [Sam: Yeah, but Dean, it wasn't real.] I know. But I wanted to stay. I wanted to stay so bad. I mean, ever since Dad....all I can—all I can think about it how much this job has cost us. We've lost so much. And we've sacrificed so much. (40:43)

Sam—

[Dean: Get out of the car.] I'm going with you. [You're just gonna slow me down.] Tough. [This is dangerous and you could get hurt.] Yeah, and so could you, Dean. [Sam—] Look, whatever stupid thing you're about to do, you're not doing it alone, and that's that. [I don't understand, why are you doing this?] Because you're still my brother. [Bitch.] What are you calling me a bitch for? [You're supposed to say jerk.] What? [Nevermind.] (27:07)

Well, I'm glad we do [get along]. And I'm glad you dug yourself out, Dean. Most people wouldn't have had the strength. They would've just stayed. (40:25)

[Dean: We've lost so much. And we've sacrificed so much.] But people are alive because of you, Dean. It's worth it, it is. It's not fair, and, you know, it hurts like hell, but it's worth it. (41:24)

21. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE, PART I

Dean—

I'm gonna take care of you. I'm gonna take care of you. I got you. That's my job, right? Watch out for my pain-in-the-ass little brother. (39:32)

Sam—

[Jake: By the way, I, uh, appreciate what you're doing here.] What am I doing? [Keeping calm, keeping them calm. Especially considering how freaked to hell you really are. I've been in some deep crap before myself. I know the look.] Want to know the truth? I got this brother, right? And he's always telling me how he's gonna watch out for me, how everything's gonna be okay, you know, kinda like I've been telling them. [Yeah.] I don't know if I believe it this time. (22:56)

22. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE, PART II

Dean—

[Bobby: Don't you think maybe it's time...we bury Sam?] No. [We could maybe....] What? Torch his corpse? Not yet. [I want you to come with me.] I'm not going anywhere. [Dean, please.] Would you cut me some slack? [I just don't think you should be alone, that's all. I gotta admit, I could use your help. Something big is going down—end-of-the-world big!] Well, then let it end! [You don't mean that.] You don't think so? Huh? You don't think I've given enough? You don't think I've paid enough? I'm done with it. All of it. (02:16)

You know, when we were little, when you couldn't have been more than five, you just started asking questions. How come we didn't have a mom, why do we always have to move around, where'd Dad go when he'd take off for days at a time? I remember I begged you, "Quit asking, Sammy. Man, you don't want to know." I just wanted you to be a kid, just for a little while longer. I always tried to protect you, keep you safe. Dad didn't even have to tell me. It was just always my responsibility, you know? It's like I have one job—I had one job. And I screwed it up. I blew it. And for that, I'm sorry. I guess that's what I do. I let down the people I love. I let Dad down. And now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down, too? How can I? How am I supposed to live with that? What am I supposed to do? Sammy. What am I supposed to do? (06:27)

That's the same deal you give everybody else. [Demon: You're not everybody else. Why would I want to give you anything? Keep your gutter soul. It's too tarnished, anyway.] (11:08)

You almost died in there. I mean, what would I have.... You just take care of yourself for a little bit, huh? Just for a little bit. (16:37)

Which is why we gotta find this yellow-eyed son of a bitch. That's why I'm gonna kill him myself. I mean, I got nothing to lose now, right? (19:00)

[Bobby: What is it with you Winchesters, huh? You, your dad—you're both just itching to throw yourselves down the pit.] (19:18)

Dad brought me back, Bobby, I'm not even supposed to be here. At least this way, something good could come out of it, you know? It's like my life can mean something. [Bobby: What? And it didn't before? Have you got that low an opinion of yourself? Are you that screwed in the head?] I couldn't let him die, Bobby. I couldn't. He's my brother. [How is your brother gonna feel when he knows you're going to Hell? How'd you feel when you knew your dad went for you?] You can't tell him. You take a shot at me, whatever you gotta do, but please don't tell him. (19:27)

[Azazel: You saw what your brother just did to Jake, right? That was pretty cold, wasn't it? How certain are you that what you brought back is 100% pure Sam? You of all people should know that's what dead should stay dead. Anyway, thanks a bunch. I knew I kept you alive for some reason. Until now, anyway. I couldn't have done it without your pathetic, self-loathing, self-destructive desire to sacrifice yourself for your family.] (32:23)

[Sam: You shouldn't have done that. How could you do that?] Don't get mad at me. Don't you do that. I had to. I had to look out for you. That's my job. (38:45)

Sam—

I kind of can't believe it, Dean. I mean... our whole lives, everything... has been prepping for this, and now I...I kind of don't know what to say. (36:35)

[Dean: I had to look out for you. That's my job.] And what do you think my job is? [What?] You saved my life over and over. I mean, you sacrifice everything for me. Don't you think I'd do the same for you? You're my big brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. And I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get you out of this. Guess I gotta save your ass for a change. (38:57)

[snickiebear]

yo nadia <3333 i'm bored in my online classes and u reblogged the questions thingy at the right time lmao, so get ready: 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 17, 23, 24, 28, 30!!!, 34, 38, 39, 40 (the intimacy of being understood) (imma stop here lol) (also i'm sorry u're not feeling well, ily and hope u'll feel better soon!! <33333)

ELE ILY. (and thank you, i’m stayin home today cause,,, yeah. i appreciate you sm.) you’re the literal best, i adore you. 

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

The first fanfiction i read was for The Lunar Chronicles when I was like 11?? and it was 100% on accident and it scarred me because it was a hardcore porn one with a period kink and i was like WHAT IS THIS??? OH MY GOD???? LMAOOOOO i didn’t pick it back up until i was 13-14 and really got into the Fairy Tail fandom. I still reread my favorites on ff.net cause i love them. 

As for writing, I wrote a horrible, terrible x-men fanfiction when I was twelve. (my friend still brings it up and REFUSES to delete it so it still gets comments and views, that shit HAUNTS ME ELE.) then tried again for Fairy Tail, posted like two chapters before taking it down cause i wasn’t really feeling it. And then I posted The Intimacy Of Being Understood and here we are. 

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

OMGG okok 

@murd3rm1ttens ‘s The Problem How Time Works IF YOU HAVENT READ THIS YOU GUYS NEED TO HOP ON IT ASAP. MITTEN’S WRITING SO SO SO SO GOOD. SAKURA AND INO ARE TOTAL BADASSES. KAKASHI IS A SIMPPPP. ITS SO FUCKING GOOD. 

@mouseymightymarvellous ‘s We Were Screaming In Color (Only A Possibility) yes, yes I KNOW. i always point into mousey’s direction but i WILL always advocate that everyone reads her fics, they’re literally so beautiful???? i just happen to be rereading WWSIN rn 

@safelycapricious ‘s Shaking Up And Breaking Down series. I found this like?? idfk but i’ve been raving about it ever since. ALSO CHECK OUT THEIR FICS IN GENERAL. 

fuck i have more than three but also check out @ambivalens999 ‘s Masks

i do wanna make a fic rec thing where i just rav about my favs,,, might do that later or sum

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

Omniscient third person. I don’t like it. Like I can understand that it can be a little hard to stay in one person’s perspective but, in my opinion, if you can, it shows how disciplined you are as a writer. Plus, i just get so confused when I go from A’s thoughts to suddenly what B is thinking about A. 

When writers use ‘ ‘ instead of “ “. When writers put thoughts in ‘ ‘ instead of just italicizing them. It’s small things but like they just bother me sO MUCH. most of the time i can ignore it and try to enjoy but other times i just dip. 

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

@espoir-et-reves !!!!! THEIR SHISAKU FICS ARE SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. And they have a warring states one going on THAT I AM SO OBSESSED WITH. 

@writer168 idk if they’re really “underrated” but THEY HAVE SUCH GREAT FICS ON AO3. Like theres an AU with sakura, kiba, and shino that i reread constantly because it just. is. so. fucking. GOOD. and they posted a new one that i’m YELLING about. 

@eggtoasties okay they only have 2 in the naruto fandom (one shisaku which is still ongoing) BUT THEIR WRITING STYLE IS SO NICE?? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I still go back and reread their shikasaku one cause UGH i can’t get enough. I love it. 

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for?

Fandoms: Naruto, Soul Eater, The Old Guard, ATLA

Parings: KakaSaku/ShikaSaku/ShiSaku/MultiSaku, SoMa, Joe X Nicky, Zukka

Character: SAKURA. I will read anything with Sakura as the main character and her being a fuckin badass or becoming a badass. I love her.

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

aha.. haha.. well. I check my email like three times an hour. its the first thing i check in the mornings too. I’m literally a whore for praise and literally eat up feedback like its going out of style. I also reread a lot of my stuff because i make so many mistakes and spelling errors, or the spacing is weird oR SOMETHING. plus, literally any and all comments make my day, i go back and reread them cause they just make me feel so tingly and warm like “wow. this person enjoyed the fic/my writing enough to tell me. thats HUGE!”

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

Angry, feral, bloodied, morally gray women. They aren’t bad guys, they’re probably the good guy, but that doesn’t mean they cant be fucking raging at the world with raw knuckles and blood on their teeth. I just love an angry woman who struggles with her emotions and just has so much inner conflict but that doesn’t take away from her character or badassery, it adds to it. 

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

The fake dating or miscommunication troupe. LIKE GUYS JUST TALK. AND TELL EACH OTHER OMFG. the entire like obliviousness of “nah they dont like me” while the They holds their hand and kisses their cheek. MOFO WHAT. it makes me so impatient and like mad HAAHHAHA. its probably because i’m a pretty confrontational person so seeing stuff like that just “cmon bro, USE YO HEAD.”

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

I have yet to receive a negative comment! Which i was really surprised about tbh. As for deadlines or pressure to update, i just kind of do whatever. I do set goals, but i set them flexible enough that hey, if i can’t do it, that’s okay. 

I have a lot of mini goals, like “i want to write this chapter and get it done this week” and then the large goal is “FINISH BY END OF MAY” so i have time. 

Actually, now that I think on it, the entire pressure to update thing is probably why i’m waiting until I have all of OL&W written to post it weekly,, cause well. I wouldn’t wanna leave you guys waiting as I tried to write and work out the next chapters and stuff, you know?

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

AAAAAA YOU KNOW I LOVE THESE AHAHAHAH

Have you seen the way the dead dance, World Breaker? They roar, half mad and starving. Do you not wish, do you not hope to see them twist and bend and dance to your will?

Shikamaru snarls, looking behind his shoulders to where his Shadows lay. “Patience.” He spits. “Is of the essence, Things of Ancient. Know your place as the dark you are.”

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is?

None of my experiences match up to anything I write tbh,,, probably the only thing that is me in my writing is maybe the emotional turmoil? I’m pretty emotionally and mentally mature because from a pretty young age i started forming my own opinions, started looking into the world around us and being like “dude what the fuck this is not what disney advertised”. Then i started talking (read: arguing and debating) with my dad about a lot of it. So, like emotions are kind of hard for me. Like i’m pretty good at controlling them or understanding them, but still. idk its hard to explain ig.

Like the weight of stress, the anger, the sadness. It’s kind of therapeutic to write. Cause i don’t know how to put those feelings to verbal words so writing them really helps. 

As for my readers’ image? Probably like some kind of hunched over figure typing away in the dark with a maniacal grin on their face. I honestly don’t know AHHAHAHA but it is fun to think about. I think they’d see me as someone with potential but a lot of room to grow and someone who is imperfect but in a charming way LMAOOOO

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

I’m gonna be real honest. Its probably like a 2. I’m a bit of a control freak so I almost always go in chronological order, my writing is pretty linear. Unless, i get bored and jump to one of my fav parts. It's pretty much i sit down, i open the doc, read over my notes and just start writing. 

It’s a little boring to explain AHAHAHA but once i get into the groove of things its really fucking great, I can like feel myself in the world, I can feel what i want the characters to, i love it. I catch myself mouthing the words as i type too, which i find hilarious.

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I rather like how raw my writing is sometimes. Which might sound really vain, but i do like the way i word things or describe things. I love juxtaposition and repetition, or making a good ole circle back to some minute detail that wouldn’t stand out until i repeat it at the end and you’re like “omg” AHAHAHAHA.

Like those little poetic snippets or certain wording i just sit back and go “damn thats kinda good nadia! go you!’ HAHAHA  

40. How did you come up with the idea for The Intimacy Of Being Understood?

AAAAA this fic is like my first child, my pride and joy LMAO

so the idea initially came when i was reading some fic, idk if it was even naruto, but i was like “i don't like this, but i do like the rain symbolism.” And I knew i wanted to write something kind of slow paced, something a little sad and angsty, but would show KakaSaku slowly but surely falling in love.

Idk if you’ve noticed but a lot of my fics, the pairings don’t change each other dramatically. They accept each other as they are and then they grow with together. Like that acceptance is something i just love writing, its so subtle, it isn’t something you declare. Its simply “I am going to love you. I am going to love you despite your flaws and faults. I am going to love you unconditionally because I know you, I understand you, and there is nothing you could do to drive me away.” 

The fic kind of wrote itself after that first scene. I kept going back to the rain, go being ghosts, and resurrection, and the small epiphanies one gets. I wanted to focus on each character’s growth with each other. They didn’t find light in life because of each other, but with each other. And i think that’s my favorite thing about that fic. 

I wanted something raw and real and just something beautiful. I’m actually really proud of it tbh. Would i go back and rewrite/edit it? Oh of course! I’d do that with every single one of my fics, but i’m not gonna cause i think its in its rawest form right now. :))))

ask me shit plz

[kisekinodrabbles]

helloo! i'd like to request something for the prompt game please :D kasamatsu + band!au + strangers to lovers + dialogue number 14 if that's okay? thanks, sam! and welcome back~

ofc!!! i tried to keep it shorter but im a bit rusty w my kasamatsu hehe hope u enjoy! wc: 2.3k

Kasamatsu admits that balancing his band and college work isn’t exactly an easy task. Between late evenings spent at gigs and all nights at the library, he is on the brink of his sanity, standing right at the tipping point. He yawns as he enters his nine am mandatory calculus class, another mistake made in his overconfidence that he would somehow be able to get his shit together.

You, on the other hand, are a closeted fan of his band, sitting three rows behind him in class. Every Tuesday and Thursday, you watch him drag his feet in and his hand lifting to his mouth in a yawn. Quickly, you duck behind your book as if Kasamatsu would ever give you the time of day. The brunette is well-known on campus with his successful group and good looks, not to mention he also dabbles a little in basketball while also maintaining a decent grade point average across all his classes. Triple threat, they call him.

When you first came into class and saw him there, shocked is an understatement. You’ve been following his band his high school from across the country. To see him in the flesh, so real and so human with his tired eyes, it almost feels like a dream. One you hope nobody would ever pinch you awake from. Thus, you made it your goal to be there before him every morning, which is a feat in itself. Kasamatsu may be grinding through the night and falling asleep in lectures, but he’ll be damned if he shows up late to class.

Throughout several weeks, you’ve seen girls come up to him left and right, shot down almost immediately by his intention to focus on the professor’s words. He lets them down easy and makes it clear that he pays thousands of dollars to study, not play IRL Tinder. This man gets sexier everyday.

You take your time packing your things when class is over, mainly because you’re too distracted watching Kasamatsu do the same. He is blind, or chooses to ignore, the whispers and shy glances thrown his way. Perhaps this is why you haven’t approached him yourself. You’re just one of his many admirers, a stroke in the massive painting of his life. Sighing, you pick up your pitiful self and make your way to the dining hall where you’re supposed to meet your friend for breakfast.

When the two of you settle on a table, you begin your weekly rambling about how beautiful Kasamatsu looks in the morning. Moriyama, being the good friend that he is, nods and listens intently.

Moriyama is an intriguing character. The two of you met because he had tried a line on you. In your perpetual state of flustered embarrassment, you had stupidly confessed to him: “Sorry, my heart belongs to Kasamatsu Yukio.”

In another twist of fate, he revealed that he had actually gone to high school with the guy and knew him pretty well.

“You know I can introduce you to him, right? No need for all this pining and drooling from three feet away.”

“It’s not the same,” you argue, “he’s practically a living legend on campus. I’m too intimidated to even breathe in the same air as him.” Your obsession has perhaps taken you too far, but if you expect to continue being his fan, the last thing you want is to scare him away.

“You’re so overdramatic,” Moriyama rolls his eyes. Coming from him, this sentence means a lot.

“What? It’s not my fault Kasamatsu’s so hot. He could bang me so hard backstage then pretend I don’t exist and I would still pay to watch his next show,” you groan, spooning yogurt into your mouth.

In that moment, several things happen. Moriyama’s eyes widen and fly behind you. Footsteps sounding at that same spot suddenly cease completely. You, realizing what possibly just happened, feel the heat flare up your cheeks.

Kasamatsu, in his sleep deprived state and probably completely delirious, had stopped in his tracks. His head whipped around to the source of the comment, finding Moriyama sitting with someone who looks distinctly familiar, but he can’t quite put his finger on it.

“Kasamatsu—”

Before Moriyama can even finish his sentence, Kasamatsu is already blurting out. “Okay, maybe I’m crazy but did I just hear you say that out loud?”

You want to crawl into your hole six feet underground and never see the light of day again. Ducking your head, you don’t even want to chance a glance up. The utter mortification is chewing away at your bones and you wish you could just evaporate into thin air.

Moriyama quickly interjects with a quick laugh, “Hear what? Also how have you been, man? I haven’t seen you in forever. Come join us for breakfast.”

Kasamatsu’s brows pucker. Maybe he really is going insane. And horny. Which is a very bad combination. Nevertheless, he slides into the empty seat next to Moriyama. He stares at you for a few seconds, squinting, before snapping his fingers. “Oh, I remember now. You’re in my calculus class.”

He knows you? “How do you know me?” you squeak, cursing your fangirl self for losing your voice. You never speak up in class, always choosing to come up to your professor for questions at the end of lecture. You’re quiet and tucked away behind him, so you never expected him to recognize you.

The smile he sends you is blinding. Even with shadows under his eyes, he still looks gorgeous. “You’re always first to arrive and last to leave. Figured you’re a hard worker in class and probably acing it.”

Your mouth dries. Kasamatsu noticed you. He actually noticed you. “Oh, um, I’m okay. I’m okay in class, I mean.”

“The question you should be asking is her name, Kasamatsu,” Moriyama scolds, smacking his back.

Kasamatsu pinks sheepishly. “Sorry, yeah. I’m Kasamatsu Yukio, by the way.”

Idiotically, you blurt out “I know” before your name. When you finally introduce yourself, you also clarify, “I’m a huge fan of Blue Devils. I mean, I’ve been following you guys since like high school. Absolutely love your music.”

The man actually reddens even further, but still he beams proudly. “Thank you! That’s crazy. Have you been to our shows?”

Almost all of them. “A couple, yeah.”

“We have one tonight in an actual venue. Are you coming?”

“Ah, it was sold out before I could get a ticket, actually.”

Kasamatsu blinks, “Oh, you’re more than welcome to come. I can get you a pass. Both of you—if Moriyama’s interested.”

“That would be amazing!” You grin, “Is there anything I can get you in return? I don’t want to just accept a gift from you for free.”

“Well, if you are good at calc, I wouldn’t mind some extra tutoring,” he suggests with a teasing grin.

Moriyama rolls his eyes, “Just ask her out instead of using tutoring as an excuse.” The two of you sputter, face colored a dark shade of red. You’ll kick his ass when you get the chance.

—

That one mistake turned out to be the greatest opportunity of your life. In addition to attending his show that night and meeting all of his bandmates, each one more good looking up close than then other, you manage to have weekly study sessions (you’re holding off on calling it dates) with Kasamatsu. The two of you take turns booking rooms at the library to cram, which mainly consists of you reexplaining concepts to the man. Although he isn’t a bad student, he’s also still struggling a bit to keep up.

“Hey” is what you hear before you feel a warm surface press against your cheek. You look up to find Kasamatsu with a steaming cup in hand. Gratefully accepting it, you catch a whiff of freshly brewed tea. You take a sip and smile. Black tea, no sugar. “Just the way I like it.”

“Noticed you never add anything to your tea,” Kasamatsu says almost proudly.

You raise the cup to him in thanks. Both of you go through your usual routine—you focusing on reviewing material for next week while Kasamatsu pores over his notes from this week, occasionally poking you to ask questions.

Honestly, a big part of you still wonders if this is all a dream. This guy you’ve been crushing on for years is sitting in the flesh right across from you. You peek at him from time to time, watching the way he frowns at his book. His blue, almost grey, eyes shine underneath the flickering lights. Even the way his lips curl unhappily is cute.

When he catches you staring, you quickly drop your gaze back to your laptop, missing the way he smiles quietly.

“Will you come to our show this weekend?” He asks as the two of you pack up.

“Ah, I have a shift at my part-time job.”

He looks surprised, “That late?”

You shrug, “Food never sleeps, I guess. It’s at the burger diner by campus.”

“Oh, are you guys open late?”

“Close at one.”

He nods, “Maybe I’ll see you there after then. The guys usually get really hungry after a gig so we can drive some business your way. I’ll make sure they tip well too.”

Your heart warms at the thought. It’s a thoughtful gesture but you’re even more thrilled at the prospect of seeing him. “Sounds good.”

True to his word, Kasamatsu brings the guys to your workplace at midnight after their show ended. They order quite a spread, practically everything on the menu. Kasamatsu goes as far as to help you carry orders to their table. You shoot him an appreciative smile.

Over the time your friendship has bloomed, Kasamatsu has been nothing but a gentleman. He walks you home to your dorm if you’re studying late into the night. He meets you in class with a muffin or a cookie from his early Starbucks runs. Surprisingly, he begins placing himself next to you each session. “This is better anyway,” he mutters. “Two birds, one stone.”

His vague words had you tilting your head in question.

“I don’t have random people coming up to me to sit with me and, well, I get to enjoy your company.” It’s a nice thought—him enjoying your company, that is. He had blushed a little when he realized what you said, but chose to direct his attention to the slides pulled up before him, missing the way you hide your smile behind your sleeve.

Now, you hear the rowdy boys chattering on as they devour their meal as if it’s their last. They speak through mouthfuls of burgers and fries, but you find the sight endearing, mainly because you’ve never seen Kasamatsu so relaxed. It’s quite refreshing really. Your attention is piqued when you hear one of them ask: “So doing it tonight huh?”

Kasamatsu retorts with a “shut the fuck up” and flings a fry his way. The way the other guy wiggles his brows suggestively has you freezing. What if he was meeting up with someone tonight? What if he was going to do the deed?

Somewhere in the distance, you hear the faint cracking of your heart. Of course, Kasamatsu is popular. It’s no surprise he’s got his nights covered as well. You sigh dejectedly, feeling the hope inside you crumble into dust. The rest of your shift goes by rather uneventfully, but you try to avoid going to their table too much, lest you hear more details about Kasamatsu’s planned tryst. The man himself steals glances your way, wondering if you’ll be checking on them anytime soon.

“Your check,” you smile as you set the bill on the table, “I got the owner to give you a discount since you guys ordered a good amount.”

All of their eyes seem to sparkle as they thank you in unison, their synchrony almost puzzling. As you move to pick up the bill and change, Kasamatsu catches your hand before you move away. “What time does your shift end?”

“Half an hour. Why?”

The other guys are already packing up their things and giving you little waves as they exit the restaurant, leaving the two of you alone. “I’ll walk you home, it’s late,” he murmurs, fingers still wrapped around your wrist.

“Oh, you don’t have to! I usually take the bus back anyway so it’s no big deal.” You want to confirm whether he had plans that night anyway. You’d hate to be in the way of that.

He shakes his head, “I insist. Also, um, are you doing anything tomorrow?”

“Catching up on studying most likely.”

“Oh,” he pauses, “if you have time tomorrow night, do you want to catch a movie with me? Maybe dinner after?”

You blink at him in surprise. Now that you’re looking at him properly, you notice that his cheeks are several shades darker than the red neon glow of the diner sign. He’s shifting on his feet and his other hand finds purchase on the strap of his bag, fidgeting with the material. “Um, like a date?”

“Y-yeah,” he stutters slightly, his throat moving as he swallows. “Sorry, I probably should’ve made that clear,” he coughs, “b-but if you don’t want it to be the we can also go as friends.” Perhaps you’ve tortured the boy long enough but you can’t help but relish in his awkward chuckle as his hand lifts to rub the back of his neck nervously.

Biting back a huge grin, you nod. “It’s a date.”

Kasamatsu’s eyes light up and a pleased grin spread across his face. “It’s a date.”

The hollering outside the building has the two of you whipping to face the window where his bandmates have their faces pressed up against the surface, laughing and smiling to congratulate and embarrass their friend. Kasamatsu flushes, “I’ll see you later to pick you up.”

You nod but he’s already out the door, leaping to kick his friends away. “You stupid idiots!”

Laughing, you watch as the group makes kissy faces at Kasamatsu all the while the man fruitlessly attempts to shut them up. He really is cute.

[omiscurls]

and behind us, a white sail

So! the link to this song is — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9un0ZU8HZO8

Let me explain first, though. It's a very old polish song that inspired me to write this fic (and thank my polish heritage, that as well)

Another note: I know Ushi played in Schweiden Adlers before he transfered to Orzeł Warszawa, but I changed that around for the polish team to come in first and Adlers second, so the timeline of this fic wouldn't get too long. Sorry!

the songs used later on in this are — "Stacja Warszawa" and "A wszystko to, bo ciebie kocham" I don't recommend the second one, but the first is really beautiful!

the ship for today is ushiten (ushijima wakatoshi x tendou satori) and it's going to be a little angsty this time.

word count: 14 519

summary quote: "hearing you say dumb shit like that really makes me hope you'll be looking at the same moon as me every evening"

and let's go!

**

Ever since he was little, Ushijima Wakatoshi had a bright future just waiting for him to explore it and become great. Since that moment his dad tossed a volleyball at him for the first time, his path was already going up a hill, up to greatness.

But, like they say, with every blessing there comes a curse. Due to his parents' early divorce, and his father, and only friend, moving overseas, he became very closed off and silent, keeping all his emotions to himself, often explaining that "Mother doesn't like him crying", or "Mother would be angry if he were to jump around in excitement". He often came across as intimidating and scary to his peers, causing him to never have an actual friend to talk to, besides his volleyball, and a father who seemed to be forgetting about him more and more every passing month.

He moved to the US, found another wife, had another son. Had a life without Wakatoshi, who felt left behind and alone, but what could he do, other than become the best he could and remind him that he still existed, or more importantly, still lived.

So he took his father's advice to heart, and searched the best teams he could, to measure up to the best players around, and beat them all, crush them, end them, until there was only him on the podium, weighing the golden medal down in his hand.

His early life was succesful, and all, but most of all, it was lonely. The stage of life where the child should be playing around with his friends and laugh, cry, scream, and be overall dumb, he spent with an emotionless expression.

Looking back, maybe that was what caused all of this...

Of course it wasn't easy for a little kid like him to hold it all in, even though he was naturally a reserved and composed person. Countless times had he came to his mother, tears rolling down his face, but she'd just say "Get over it, Ushijima Wakatoshi", and he'd leave, go to his room, throw himself at the materace and scream into the pillow, until he ran out of breath. Or go to the garden and spike the ball so hard his hand was all bruised the next morning. The more red it was, the less his heart weighed inside his chest.

And so, he'd stop crying to his mother. He got over it. He never understood most of the emotions he was experiencing, but whenever he was feeling funny, that means, other than normally, doesn't matter if it was in a good or bad way, he'd just go and spike, until it was time to go to bed, until his hand was all red and swollen again.

That was of course, until he got a letter, offering him a scholarship for Shiratorizawa Academy Junior High School, a place where he was planning on going anyway, but still, the letter brought up a newfound confidence within him.

He thought he was just going there to become a better player, nothing more, but all of that disappeared on the first day on the new school year. All the first years were standing in a row, listening to the teacher, when suddenly, he felt someone poking him with his elbow. He turned away, suprised, only to see a redheaded boy, with big, huge, he'd even say, eyes, looking at him with a wide grin across his lips.

"I saw you talking to Washijou-sensei before, are you on a volleyball scholarship as well?" he asked.

"Yes." Ushijima replied quietly, looking nervously at the teacher, scared of being caught while talking.

"Cool! You seem really cool, everyone else around seemed boring" the boy laughed loudly, causing Ushijima to look at him, frightened, his eyes wide open. "Oh my, relax, Mr Mature, he's not paying attention to what he's saying, either. Look. Teach! Can I go home?" he added so loudly, even raising his hand, that Ushijma felt the need to catch that hand and put his other one over his lips, so he'd stop talking. But to his suprise, the teacher truly didn't care. "See, Mr Mature?"

"My name is not Mr Mature" he complained, crossing his eyes at his chest.

"What is it then? My name's Tendou Satori, I'm your new friend! I'm assuming you don't have so many of them, do you now, Mr Mature?"

"I'm Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori. No, I do not need any friends, I spend most of my time practicing, anyway."

"You do? Oh my, your life must be so sad! It's settled then, you need a friend, 'Toshi. And never call me Tendou Satori again, that's how my father does it, and I hate it."

"Noted, Tendou" Ushijima nodded, feeling something drilling through his stomach, as if he ate something bad. He wanted to smile, but didn't know why, and that scared him. Maybe it was the nickname? Wasn't it weird for that boy to shorten his first name like that two minutes after meeting him? Maybe it was. Okay, the unusual feeling must've been shame then. He immediately looked away, focusing back at what the teacher was saying.

Truth be told, Tendou was scared to say all of that. It was in fact him who had no friends and needed one, and he didn't even know why, but one look into the other thirteen-year-old's eyes was more than enough for him to feel safe, and secure, at the same time causing him to feel kind of nervous, as if...

...someone was drilling through his stomach.

And since them, him, and the first year setter, Semi Eita, would be the only people Ushijima would ever talk to. He felt some weird sort of pride whenever he'd notice Tendou looking at his spike with dreamy eyes, or telling him straight up he admired him. He never knew how to react, so he'd just ignore him, but deep down, it made him feel like on that first day again.

Something drilled through his stomach.

He'd even share a room with Tendou in the dormitory. At first it was weird, at least that's what Tendou said, because they'd never talk, due to Ushijima's tight sleeping schedule, but that stage was over after their very first practice match.

The opponent was Kiitagawa Daichi Junior High School, and their setter was a first year as well.

Ushijima was lying on his bottom bunk, eyes staring blankly into Tendou's materace above him.

"Toshi, are you obsessed with the guy, or something?" the redhead sighed, turning off the light.

"With who, Oikawa-san?"

"Yeah, unless I missed someone else who you were talking about all evening?"

"I'm not obsessed. I just don't understand how someone so talented joined such a weak school." Ushijima explained. Tendou knew it was geniuine. One of the few things he learned about his friend was that he truly didn't understand some mechanisms of poeple's psyche, not even mentioning the whole concept of friendship. And it was damn, bland obvious that Oikawa-san went there for his friend, the wing spiker.

"Seijoh isn't a weak school, Toshi"

"But Shiratorizawa is better. He should've come to Shiratorizawa."

Now, Tendou didn't know why, but that sort of hurted him. He had Semi at Shiratorizawa, Semi wasn't nearly as good as Oikawa, but he was theirs. He had HIM here, his never failing blocker, why would he want anything else?

He suddenly wished he was a setter, so he could be the one thing Wakatoshi needed.

"Maybe, maybe not. It's his life, not yours, Toshi"

And that was the first one of the countless times Ushijima Wakatoshi had broken Tendou Satori's fragile heart.

Nevertheless, he dangled his arm from the top bunk, so Wakatoshi would notice it.

"What're you doing?"

"Inviting you over"

"We live in the same room"

"Inviting you to my bunk" he explained, realizing he forgot how clueless Ushijima can get. The other boy eventually climbed the ladder and sat beside him.

"It's already time to sleep, Tendou" he said, but was cut off by skinny, light hands embracing him. He was shaken, not knowing how to react. "W-what are you doing?"

"You seemed upset. If your friend is upset, you hug them" Tendou whispered, his cheek pressed against Wakatoshi's.

After that, the bigger boy was silent for a long while, not moving at all, so Tendou asked if he was okay.

"I've just— Nobody has hugged me in a very, very long time" he explained, noticing the weird feeling in his gut increased, making him almost nauseated.

Tendou pulled back suddenly.

"Really? That's really sad, Wakatoshi. Was it weird, though?" his big eyes were glossy, and the moon shining outside the window was reflecting in them. Ushijima noticed that his eyes were really pretty like that, the hazel colour contrasting with the grey moon he'd see in the glossy coat on them.

"Yes." he responded, and Tendou felt that gut feeling turn into something more painful, until the boy added "Could you do it again?"

"Of course" he smiled, sitting closer to Wakatoshi and wrapping his arms tightly around his neck. He pressed his face into the little dump between the boy's shoulder and neck, inhaling the slight scent of the washing liquid used to wash his pijamas.

"Should I?" he started to ask awkwardly, so Satori cut him off.

"Yeah, yeah you should" he mumbled into his skin, and soon after felt the strong arms wrap themseves around his thin waist.

Wakatoshi's heart started to race at once, him not knowing the reason. He felt complete, holding someone like that. Or did he feel complete holding TENDOU like that? That riddle was impossible for his brain to solve, so he let it slight, enjoying the funny warm feeling in his chest. Was this how having friends felt? Maybe it wasn't so bad.

They'd sit there like that, both not knowing whether it was weird, or comforting, or both, or neither, but they didn't pull back.

"We should really sleep" Tendou finally said, but got no response, so he slowly broke off the embrace, noticing how Ushijima's head started to fall without the support of his shoulders. "Oh, unless you're already sleeping" he laughed quietly "I guess you'd be all grumpy if I woke you up now. Nighty night then, Toshi" he whispered, putting the boy's body in his sheets, and climbing down to lay in his friend's bunk instead.

The weird drilling stopped, he thought. He only felt warmth flooding his heart right then.

It never happened again, though.

three years later

Even someone as dense as Wakatoshi Ushijima would get used to a person after living with them for three whole years. It was now the last days of Junior High, and him and Tendou already signed the papers to attend Shiratorizawa Academy's High School after summer break, leaving their signatures on the "continue living with your roommate" as well.

Wakatoshi was coming back to their said room after evening practice, tired as ever, his legs barely working.

"Ushijima-kun, are you and Tendou playing cards with us today?" he heard Semi at the other end of the hall.

"I'll ask him, but if he was too sick to go to practice, then I'm not sure if he'll be willing to do that, Semi" he explained, and went inside his room after noticing the other boy nod. "Tendou, Semi is asking—" he stopped when he heard sobs coming from the top bunk. "Tendou?"

Then the sobs stopped. Ushijima's drilling feeling came back stronger as ever, when he noticed Tendou's delicate face looking at him from above, his eyes red and puffy, and cheeks wet, but damn, he thought, why does he suddenly look so different?

He didn't know what it was, but it was as if he was reading an interesting novel and he didn't want to look away from it even for a second, not to miss any detail of the story. It was the same exact feeling.

"Wakatoshi" he stated, rolling back closer to the wall, so he wouldn't have to face his friend.

"Did something happen to you, Tendou?" Wakatoshi asked. He knew that Tendou wasn't really the person to cry very often, he always lifted up other people's spirits with his never ending happiness and weird sense of humour.

"No" the boy mumbled, but turned around when he felt movement on the ladder leading to his bed. "What're you doing?" he asked, freaked out.

"I'm coming over to see you" he stated "Because you're upset, and friends need a hug when they're upset"

"How do you know I'm upset?"

"Please, Satori, I might be clueless, as you often describe it, but I'm not dumb"

That made him laugh, and although Ushijima didn't know why, it somehow made him happy.

He then proceeded to hug his best friend, feeling his entire body shake, as he held his waist, and his shirt becoming more wet every passing second.

"Why are you crying?" he asked so straightforwardly and honestly, it almost pissed Tendou off.

"Well, Ushijima, seems like the only thing k-keeping me in this country is f-fading away" he mumbled, holding onto the material of Wakatoshi's sweatshirt.

"I'm sorry if I'm making you say something uncomfortable, but I don't seem to understand" he was feeling very uneasy admitting that, but the drilling feeling in his stomach wasn't going away, and he felt it in his gut that he had to do SOMETHING about Tendou's mood, because it was making him feel bad as well. He didn't know how, but these were the facts.

He laughed again.

"See, Toshi, you've met my little sister. She's tiny, she's cute, and she adores chocolate. Those are the three ways to describe her the best. She's the apple of my eye, and well, she has me wrapped around her finger, I'd do anything to make her happy."

A string of jealousy was tying itself around Ushijima's heart. He never had that, and he suddenly wished someone would talk about him like that, too. He'd never admit it, but he couldn't help that feeling.

"But the fourth way to describe her, well, she's also... terribly ill, Wakatoshi. For a year now she can't eat any candy, her beloved chocolate included, due to her condition, and I hate how depressed that makes her, but today, today my mom has informed me it got worse. I— no, I don't want to keep talking, I'm sorry" he said, pulling away from his friend, but he catched his arm before he could do that.

"There's nothing to be sorry about, Satori. Altough, I don't think I know what to say."

I wish I were you, he thought, then I would know exactly how to cheer you up. And I hate seeing you like this.

"Is there anything we could do to help?"

Satori lifted his eyes, suddenly lighting up. Did he just use the word we?

"I wish" he responded, shaking his head "But they moved her to an intensive care hospital in Tokyo, without letting me talk to her first. Besides, she's sleeping constantly."

"That's actually rude of your parents"

"No, no it's not, she needed to be taken there right away, or else her life would be on the line. I might be a selfish person, Wakatoshi, but I'm not letting it affect my precious cinnamon roll in any way"

"Cinnamon roll?" he asked, visibly confused, making Tendou giggle again.

"It's how you call a person you love, who is too precious for this fucked up world that we're living in" he explained.

"Oh, okay" he nodded, then sitting silently for a while. "Tendou? How would you like it if we went out to grab chocolate ice-cream? You love them, as well, right?"

Satori's eyes lit up even more.

"How on earth did you remember that? Also, it's past bedtime, we can't do that" he complained.

"I pay attention to details. And wasn't that you who told me that rules have to be broken sometimes?" Wakatoshi grinned, almost making Tendou loose it.

"I might actually scream right now"

"No don't, it will give us away, are you stupid, Tendou?" Ushijima responded, completely serious.

Tendou bursted out laughing.

"I love how dumb you are, Toshi" he said, not even paying attention to his words.

I love watching you laugh, the other boy thought, but didn't say it.

His mother always told him to go away when he told her he loved her. He didn't want Tendou to go away as well.

They sneaked out that night, it was obviously only to go to the nearest convinience store, which was just outside the campus, but still, it made Ushijima super nervous, and Tendou, on the other hand, was amused.

They sat beside the store, their backs against the wall, eating chocolate ice cream, despite it being winter, and the temperature below zero, they were freezing in only their hoodies, but the magic of the moment somehow prevented them from going back to their room.

"What did you mean when you said she is the only thing that keeps you in this country?" Ushijima asked, out of the blue.

Tendou was too suprised to respond, at first.

"Well, I plan on leaving Japan some day, I'd like to study abroad, maybe in France, and do something romantic for a living, you know? Maybe I'll meet an actress and have a fling, maybe not, that doesn't concern me at all, but I'll have a little flat just in the right distance from the city centre in Paris, I'll be living upstairs from some kind of an alcoholic, or another addict, and I'll sit by my window every evening, watching the moon rise, shouting at the kids in love on the street to piss off and go home already" he laughed.

This made Ushijima really sad, and he didn't know why. Of course Tendou had plans, what was he assuming before he heard that? That he was some kind of a sidekick designed just for him, that was going to stay by his side forever?

Don't tell him you're sad, don't do it, he's going to be angry, just like mom, he's going to flip out, and curse at you, and leave you, and you'll be alone again.

Never once in the past three years had Ushijima wanted to spike a ball so bad, not even once. Talking to Tendou was becoming his new copying mechanism, but there he was, all alone with his emotions, impossible to understand. He decided to clench his fist as hard as he could, so he wouldn't burst out complaining about how he doesn't want Tendou to leave.

Little did he know, it was percisely what Satori needed to hear right then.

"How do you know you're going to be living upstairs from an alcoholic?" he only asked, making Tendou shake his head in disbelief.

"Oh, Ushi, hearing you say dumb shit like that really makes me hope you'll be looking at the same moon as me every evening" he whispered, just loudly enough for the boy to hear it. His heart rate went up, and somehow his sadness started to fade away.

Only then did he realize how hard he was pinching his nails into his skin, so he eventually let go, sighing with relief.

"I will" he added, just as silently, and stared into the starry sky.

Altough I wish we'd be looking at it together, they both thought.

**

Tendou was jumping in excitement, beside Ushijima, when the third years stood around them, ready to declare who the next captain was going to be.

"I'm going to break off the tradition by doing this" said the ruling captain, thus resigning from his position "But your next captain will be starting his second year, not third."

A gasp of suprise went through the crowd, but everybody anticipated it.

"Ushijima Wakatoshi. I hereby resign from my position, leaving the team in your hands. Lead them to Shiratorizawa's next big victory, please" he said, bowing slightly. Ushijima bowed as well.

"Thank you, captain. I'll do my best" he said bluntly, making the older boy sigh, kinda like he was regretting his decision already. A couple of moments have passed, and the graduates left, truly leaving Ushijima in charge.

"Alright, Ushijima-kun, here are the first years promoted to your first squad." Washijou-sensei pointed to group of nervous looking kids. He took a list from his pocket and started reading the surnames out loud.

"Oh my, Toshi, do you remember when he did that with us?" Satori whispered energically right beside his ear.

"Why wouldn't I?"

He noticed a boy staring at him from the Junior High practice. He had black haired, cut into an interesting hairstyle, and a jelous look in his eyes. He intrigued him, and Tendou noticed that, puting, because my oh my, how dared his Wakatoshi not pay attention to his side commentary.

"Shirabu Kenjiro" the coach said, and a shy looking boy stepped out of the crowd, bowing slightly at Ushijima.

"What position do you play in, Shirabu?" Wakatoshi asked, and Tendou knew he ment it to be gentle, but it came out so harsh, the kid looked even more scared.

"Setter" the boy responded. Both Tendou and Ushijima glanced over at Semi, who was obviously pouting.

"Poor Semi-Semi" the redhead laughed, but shutted up after he got poked with an elbow.

"Welcome to Shiratorizawa Academy Team then, Shirabu" the newly elected captain responded, and the blond boy nodded frantically, walking over to them.

"Kawanishi Taichi" Washijou continued.

"Middle blocker, captain" the boy managed to say before Wakatoshi. He was obviously suprised by that, and Tendou had the time of his life laughing at him. That was until the taller boy glanced over at him and said:

"Well, I guess Tendou-san will be happy to guide you through it, Kawanishi"

"How formal, Captain Ushijima" the redhead pouted, looking away from him, and then looking back upon hearing Ushi chuckle.

Was he... satisfied, about making him loose his words?

That little bastard really grew up since they'd first met.

"I look forward to working with you for the next two years. I know you're great at volleyball, if Sensei says so, then I guess the only thing I can say to you is, give it your best. That's what this school is all about"

"That's the least inspiring speach I've ever heard in my entire life" Tendou laughed, but Ushijima didn't seem to care.

Later that evening he informed him that his friend at Seijoh texted him that Oikawa was also elected captain.

"Great, I'd elect him, too" Ushijima only responded.

Tendou didn't need to know anything else to understand what was happening in his brain by then. You wish he'd be your setter instead of their captain, I know. You wish you had the people skills he has, and my comment about your speech will now keep you awake for half the night. Because, no matter what I do, you feel like you lack that in your life. And I'll never be able to get it for you. Nor the skill, nor Oikawa Tooru, nor could I be the setter you wish you'd have. All I can do is be your friend, I guess, but is that enough for me? What if I want to be more, Wakatoshi?

"Never change, you adorable little dumbass" he only whispered, still scrolling through his phone.

"Why would I?" Ushijima responded, much to Tendou's suprise. Was the whisper louder than anticipated?

He failed to answer that question, because when he glanced over at Ushijima, he was getting ready to go shower, and was right in the middle of taking of his shirt. His back muscles were all worked up, and Tendou came to a sudden realization, which caused him to cover his mouth with one hand and stare at the ceiling.

"So?"

I'm so attracted to you.

"Nothing, it just slipped"

**

"Oh my god, Shirabu, you're finding context where there's literally no context. They're just best friends! Ushijima is the embodiment of straight! He's as straight as a ruler!" Semi whispered to the younger setter, who was staring at him as if he wanted to kill him.

"Are you blind, Semi? No, truly, do you need glasses? I'm geniuenly asking, cause there might be something seriously wrong with your eyes if you can't even see something as OBVIOUS as this! Look at Tendou, just look! He looks at Ushijima-san like he's his entire world!" Shirabu pointed to the redhead older blocker, but Eita just shook his head, violently grasping the younger boy's hand and pulling it back down.

"You're obvious Shirabu, stop or Tendou will hear you. And speak respectfully about him, his your senpai" he added, scolding the setter. He enjoyed doing that, it made him feel a little bit more important, after having his authority undermined by Washijou-sensei promoting Shirabu to the first squad.

"Is any of you going to start tossing to the spikers, or did you come to practice to chat?" they heard a deep voice behind them, their eyes going wide as they turned around slowly to face their captain.

"Um—" Semi tried to explain himself, but Shirabu beat him to it, bowing to Wakatoshi.

"We're sorry captain, we're on it"

Ushijima looked at him with slight suprise, although, if Semi didn't know him for five years, he wouldn't have guessed it was suprise.

"I was just asking" he said, his voice as steady and still as normally, and Eita almost found it funny, how Shirabu couldn't seem to get the hang of understanding Ushijima's emotions.

The kid just ran towards the net, and Semi followed him, not wanting to loose to the little first year again. They started tossing to various spikers, and something ached inside of Semi's chest when he noticed Wakatoshi jumping to hit Shirabu's toss, then nodding to him, letting him know it was a good one. It had been some time then since the last practice Ushijima spiked one of his tosses.

"Alright, this is getting boring" The captain said, going over to his water bottle. "Let's have a match, three on three" he suggested, noticing the team already forming a row in front of him. "Shirabu, Semi, choose your teams"

The boys started to choose, with one condition, that Ushijima and Tendou cannot be on one team, since the other one wouldn't get a single point that way. Satori ended up being with Shirabu and Leon, and Ushijima with Semi and  Yunohama. It was all going really well, the match was pretty intense, considering there were to awesome spikers playing in each of the teams.

"One step ahead of you, Toshi!" Tendou laughed, falling to his knees after succesfully blocking Ushijima.

"Are you okay, though?" the boy asked, noticing how Satori was holding his delicate wrists, biting his lower lip.

"Every day when I get to block you is a day when I'm a thousand times more than okay" he only said, getting back up. Wakatoshi noticed that his friend was in a really great mood that day, smiling constantly, making fun of everyone around him, jumping in excitement every now and then. It was kind of cute.

"Damn, Tendou, besides seeming like one, you really are a monster at blocking, as well" Leon said, not really minding his words, walking over to drink some water. Tendou's eyes widened, looking at the boy with disgust, shock not letting him utter a word. He glanced over at Wakatoshi, who didn't seem to mind the comment. Everyone around was kind of concerned, but not really, reserved from the situation.

Tendou stopped counting which broken heart that was, but well, the number was increasing.

"Well then, Leon" he said bitterly "I guess you're lucky you're not the hero, because then you'd be facing me, instead of hiding behind my back all the time" his hands quivered, and a shiver ran down his spine, as he began walking out of the gym.

"Tendou?" Ushijima shouted after him, visibly confused, but Tendou didn't care enough to stop. What was he thinking, that he'd defend him? That clueless little brain child didn't even understand how much was wrong with that comment, using the nickname his opponents would give Tendou for years, as a form of, he didn't even know, praise? Surely Leon didn't mean it, but still, he didn't care. It hurted him, more than it should, and he already felt the shocked looks on his back.

He acted like a drama queen, but so what.

"I'm gonna grab some bandages from the infirmary, Ushijima. My fingers hurt" he said coldly, and using his surname, which he didn't do very often.  

Wakatoshi was staring at the door Tendou shutted behind him, the team standing silently around him.

"Should I go with him, captain?" Shirabu asked, but he shook his head "no" in response.

"He'll be fine on his own. Keep practicing"

Ushijima really wanted to believe that, but he noticed the emotionless expression on his best friend's face, and was concerned himself. He couldn't seem to focus for the rest of practice, which was unusual for him.

"Is Tendou-san coming back?" they kept asking him, and it pissed him off more every time, but he'd only spike harder, the rest of the team shocked as the ball bouncing back from the floor and going towards the stands with insane speed. Nobody even tried to recieve them, because they all cherished their fingers  and arms to much to injure them like that.

It wasn't Tendou that Wakatoshi was angry at, it wasn't Leon, even, it was himself. The first one of many times his reserved nature seemed to be his enemy, not friend. He failed to help Tendou, and he understood his fault, which made it a thousand times worse.

After the practice had ended, Satori wasn't in their room.

"Tendou? Are you there?" Wakatoshi asked, but even after checking the top bunk, there was no place in the tiny room left for his friend to hide in. He checked the bathroom, but still, no sign of the redhead. He checked the infirmary, he checked every opened classroom, the gym, every locker room, bathroom, but he was nowhere to be found.

He knocked on Semi's door.

"Ushi? What's up?" the boy asked, suprised, if Ushijima wanted something he could've asked literally fifteen minutes earlier, after practice.

"Is Tendou with you?" he heard, his team captain's voice shaking just a little bit, his hands clenched in fists.

"No, I'm afraid not. Isn't he in your room?"

Well, if I'm asking, then he surely fucking isn't, you idiot.

"No."

"Well, call him then" Semi stated, leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed at chest.

He nodded and did just that, three times, in fact, but there was no response.

"Wait up" Eita said, disappearing into his room, and coming back, wearing his Shiratorizawa hoodie "Let's search up together, we'll find him sooner"

Wakatoshi agreed, secretly appreciating the help. He didn't go back for his hoodie, there was no time for that, so he just left in his T-shirt.

"Alright, where  could he go?" Semi asked, when they left Shiratorizawa's gates. Ushijima had no idea at first, Miyagi wasn't such a small city, and Tendou, with his personality, could even be out of town by now. He could go to Tokyo to see his sister, Wakatoshi thought, but he remembered they had a test the next morning, and Tendou was a foreign languages ace among their year, so he definitely wouldn't miss it.

No, don't think what you'd do. Satori has different priorities than you.

"Honestly, anywhere." he responded. Eita was shocked Wakatoshi used such an unofficial figure of speech, but he didn't complain, his teammmate was stressed, after all.

"Aight, let's split up then. You'll go to all his favorite places, and I'll check everywhere near the school. But keep your phone ring at high volume, so we wouldn't miss each other's calls.

Ushijima nodded and left. Where could he want to go, alone, in the dark? Only after a couple of minutes of walking had he felt his hands hurt, and noticed the bloody marks on the inside of his hands. He was really stressed. Then, a sudden memory hit him, of Tendou leading him to the cliffs, just next to the forest in Miyagi, to take a walk when he was stressing about their first national championship. He started running there, landscape around him blending into one mix, as he was speeding past the bridge, the houses, bus stops, stores, and eventually the trees. He only stopped once he felt railings forbidding people to jump into the wavy sea below. He looked around him.

"Tendou?" he shouted, but there was no response. He started walking around, looking behind every tree, and at every bench.

"Satori, come on, if you're there, then come out already. Let's go home" he sighed, his worriness building up. Then he remembered, his friend didn't like to sit where everyone else used to, he like to jump over the fence and sit on one of the rocks, often teasing him he was going to fall.

The drilling feeling in his stomach seemed not to let him straighten up, and he had to force his insides to stay still, while ha quickly glanced at the sea and rocks below him, but, to his relief, there was no sight of Tendou there, as well.

He decided to check somewhere else, and raced out of the forest. He was so caught up in searching, his mind was already going to the darkest scenarios, and he didn't even noticed when he bumped into someone.  

"Ushiwaka-chan?" he heard a soft, yet prideful voice in front of him, and shook his head before seeing Tooru Oikawa, in the flash.

"Oikawa." he responded "What're you doing here? I don't have time for whatever salty comment you have up your sleeve right now." Upon hearing that, the brown haired boy's eyebrows rose in suprise.

"Well, Ushiwaka, I live here. Can't I enter my house in peace? Plus, I don't have any. Are you looking for Mr Redhead?" he asked, a concerned look in his eyes. Ushijima was honestly shocked. Why would he care? He hated them both.

Oh, right, they were near Seijoh. It was possible for Oikawa to live here. Wakatoshi noticed AobaJohsai's captain didn't look so good himself, but he was not the one to listen to his problems. He had his own problem he needed to solve right away.

"Yes, and I'm afraid I don't have a second to waste."

"Well, he was on my bus stop. I only asked because it seemed unusual for any of you to be here. He was heading for the city centre."

City centre? Now, thanks to his worst enemy, Wakatoshi had an idea of where Tendou was, and he was stupid not to think of that earlier.

"Thanks, Oikawa" he said, staring blankly at the bus stop, around three hundred metres down the street.

"No problem, I guess. Say hi to him from me, he's the only one of you idiots that I don't hate" he said, closing the fence gate behind him, and walking towards his house's door, not even looking at him anymore.

"Alright" Ushijima responded, only half listening to what Tooru was saying.

As he was waiting for the same bus Tendou was, only a couple of minutes earlier, he still tried to get in touch with him.

Wakatoshi Ushijima, 20:44

Please, Tendou, respond

Wakatoshi Ushijima 20:46

I'm sorry for what Leon had said. Come back so we can talk.

There was no sign from the other boy, the text weren't even on delievered, only on sent.

He was so up in his thoughts, he barely noticed it was already his stop to get off on. He raced to the shop he had in mind, and noticed the lady behind the counter already cleaning the place up. He still had half an hour before they'd close.

He entered, and the small bell above the door rang. The lady looked up, and smiled gently at a possible new customer.

Wakatoshi looked around him, but to his suprise, Tendou wasn't there. He walked up to the counter.

"Hello, sir, what can I get you today?" the lady said, smiling politely.

"Hello, was a boy, around my height, with red hair here before me?" he asked directly, and she blinked at the sincerity of his request.

"I'm afraid not, I haven't seen anyone like that." she answered apologetically.

At that point, Ushijima honestly felt like crying. How, how on earth wasn't he anywhere? Where did he go? Did he really know him that little?

He noticed Tendou's favorite cookies still on the counter. They were, of course, the chocolate ones, with spots of white chocolate.

"Can I have ten of these?" he sighed, pointing to the sweets. The lady nodded, handed the bag over to the boy, and received the money.

"Goodnight, miss" he said upon leaving, and she smiled again, waving at him.

How could she be smiling? How could anyone possibly be smiling, when Tendou was missing? And on top of that, it was partly Ushijima's fault?

He felt dizzy from all the emotions hiding behind his bland face. There was no one around, and he decided to walk back to Shiratorizawa, instead of taking a bus. He called Tendou again, and even left a voicemail.

"Tendou Satori. Wherever you are, please, come back, you're making us all worried. You can't just—" and at that, he ended the call, noticing his voice break, for the first time in forever. "You can't just leave like that and not say anything, you idiot" he whispered to himself, feeling a gulp in his throat.

He leaned against the shop's wall, hitting it with his fist. It hurted slightly, but didn't help.

"Tendou!" he screamed "Are you there?" he waited a good minute, wanting a response desperately, but nobody showed up.

His phone rang, it was Semi.

"Found him yet?"

"No"

"He's not here, either. We need to head back though, Ushi, or we'll get detention" Semi stated, and Ushijima was honestly pissed at how laid back he sounded. But he knew the setter was right. "Do you want to report his missing to the principal's office?" he then asked.

Right. Right, this was a serious issue. On one hand, if they reported it, the principal could start an official search, and Tendou would be home in no time, but on the other, they'd probably expell him, and that couldn't happen. Ushijima wouldn't let it.

"No." he only said, and hang up.

It was a long walk back to Shiratorizawa, and Wakatoshi hated every second of it. He was coming back to an empty room, with no Tendou in it, without any clue about where he could be now, wether he was safe or not, anything.

He didn't even try to sneak through so the cameras wouldn't catch him. He didn't care if he'd get detention or not. That wasn't important at all.

He slided his card through the lock of his door, and was welcomed by the cold room, which would be just right since he didn't have the time to turn on the radiator.

"Tendou...?" he whispered, somehow hoping he'd be there, even though he had eyes on his entry card, still laying on the table, since Wakatoshi was the one to lock the door before practice.

He noticed all of Satori's stuff still there. His phone, with no battery, his wallet, his ID, everything. Like he vanished.

Too tired to even take his clothes of, he climbed to the top bunk, and buried his face in Tendou's pillow, inhaling what was left of the boy's scent. He couldn't fall asleep at all, even though he was too tired to lift his eyelids. How could he sleep in a situation like this?

He realized, he wouldn't be so worried if it was Semi, or Leon, or Shirabu, or anyone else. Of course he'd be concerned, of course he'd search for them, he was their captain and cared for them all, but it wouldn't cause such a pain in his gut. It wouldn't make him want to rip his heart out so he'd stop feeling so painfully lonely and worried.

But they were all his friends, as well. Why was it different with Tendou? Was it because he was his roommate?  Maybe, but something was telling him that wasn't the case. The drilling feeling became more and more impossible to ignore as he kept thinking about what he was feeling towards Tendou.

A warm feeling flooded his senses when he thought about his smile, and he instantly got worried when he remembered he was missing. What did that mean?

A new riddle for him to remain unsolved for years to come.

He somehow got through the night without sleeping even for a blink, until it was almost six, hence, the hour he'd get up, when he heard a knock on the door. It was still a night hour at Shiratorizawa's campus and no students were allowed to leave their rooms, so he was very suprised, but mumbled a tired "Coming" and struggled to get out of bed.

He walked up to the door, and opened it, only to see Tendou, his hoodie a bit dirty, and hair in a mess, but a grin on his face.

"Morning, Toshi" he chuckled, upon seeing the truly shocked expression on his best friend's face.

He wanted to get inside, but Ushijima didn't allow it, suddenly pulling him into a tight hug. Satori could barely breathe, but managed to keep laughing.

"What's up, big guy? Why're you suddenly so emotional?" he asked, much to they boy's suprise. He stayed silent. That was weird for Tendou. No matter how angry he could be, he'd never ignore a direct question, because he didn't get the concept of a rhetorical one. That was a lesson Satori learned the hard way a couple of years earlier. "Wakatoshi? You there?"

Still no answer?

That's weird.

"You idiot" he heard a slight whisper, almost inaudiable. "You fucking idiot"

That was officially the first time ever for Tendou to hear Ushijima use a swear word.

He suddenly felt something dropping on his neck. Was he... nah, Ushijima Wakatoshi would never cry.

But as his entire body began to tremble, it was painfully obvious that he was, in fact, crying.

"Hey, hey" Tendou said in a calming way, moving one step into the room, to close the door behind him. "Are you crying?"

Oh shit, Ushijima realized, he was. Was Tendou going to be mad now? Was he going to think less of him? Was he going to consider him weak and leave? Again?

"No" he added loudly, turning away, and walking deeper into the room, wiping his cheeks.

"Sure" Satori said, a wide smile on his lips. Did he really make Ushijima loose his composure? Well, that was a first.

"Where were you?" he asked, none of his previous emotions present anymore.

"Places"

"Satori Tendou!" he shouted slightly, and Tendou flinched at the sound of his full name.

"Alright, shush, it's still the middle of the night for some people. I was on the train station. I wanted to go to Tokyo to see my sister, but I forgot my wallet, and then I didn't want to come back, because you would be mad at me, everyone would consider me a drama queen, and I'd probably get detention for coming in late." he epxlained carefully, minding his every word, as he made Ushijima seat beside him on his bed.

He knew he hadn't calm down, he was still shaken, but for some silly reason he decided to keep it all in, even though him and Tendou knew each other for five whole years, and shouldn't have to be so careful around each other. It was crazy how he was closer to Wakatoshi than anyone on this world, and still, he still couldn't be the one person that would get him to completely open up.

He knew it was a rare and possibly the only occassion he had cried in front of someone, even if it was for thirty seconds, and even if he denied it all a moment later, still, it was great. It was an improvement Tendou hoped for all those years, although there was so much more he had to learn about his friend to understand him completely. It was never a hard thing for him to do, understand people's motives, but with this man, with him everything was suddenly so difficult and different.

He was angry with himself for disappearing like that, he didn't think about how much it would affect Ushijima, even though he claimed to know him the best.

"Why would you go there?" Wakatoshi asked silently.

"Well, I needed a reminder that I'm not really as scary and dangerous as people perceive me. And she's such a little angel, if she loves me, then I must be a nice person, right? If I got someone so innocent and good to love me, then how could I be bad? It's selfish, I know, but it seemed like a good idea at the time" he stared at the sheets between them, concentrating solely on their white colour, nothing else.

"I could've told you the same" he mumbled "If only you'd wait, I would tell you the same. I know I'm nothing like your little sister, but I still consider you the best person I've met. The best part of my life." he said, standing up, like it was nothing, and grabbing a change of clothes. He went to the bathroom and closed the door behind him, turning on the shower, so Tendou wouldn't hear him sigh out loud. He looked once more at the bloody trail on his hands, and noticed his shoulders were tense all this time, and now he could let it go, all at once.

He felt more tired than he ever did before.

Tendou sat on his bed for a good five minutes, tears silently flowing down his face, his mind unable to comprehend what just happened. It was more than he ever hoped for. It was hard to get an "I like you" from Ushijima, and saying that? It shocked him up to his very core.

It was almost time to get to class, and Wakatoshi still hadn't came out of the bathroom, so Tendou decided he'd check on him. He wouldn't respond to him calling his name, so, with his eyes obviously shut, he entered the room. Still, no response. He opened them one by one, relieved to find out the boy was fully dressed in his school uniform, but... asleep.

"Oh my, Toshi, how am I supposed to get you to bed now?" he laughed. Wow, he really did affect Ushijima.

It made him happy, somehow.

**

"Oh hell no" Wakatoshi heard Tendou whisper behind his back, and looked in the same direction as the redhead. There was a huge ski lift in front of them, but Ushijima didn't understand the suprise. It was a skiing trip, they had skis in their hands, were dressed in skiing uniforms from head to toes, what was there to be suprised about?

"Scared yet, Tendou?" Semi ran in between them, a glorious smile on his lips. He was a great skier, they all knew it, and he was so, so ready to prove it.

"What? Of course not" the boy laughed it off, his hands secretly trembling inside his gloves.

He looked over at Wakatoshi, who, on the other hand, seemed perfectly prepared as well. Looking damn well in that all black uniform, with his long ass skis over his shoulder, and a confident look on his face.

"I thought it was supposed to be you know, like that flying couches, or T-bars? Not this capsules, looking like space ships" he said. He knew what that ment. If the lift had capsules that could close, it was supposed to go higher than the other ones whe mentioned.

"Are you kidding? These are the best!" Shirabu shouted, an excited smile colouring his cheeks.

"Aww, look at the kid, so eager and excited!" Semi laughed, messing up Shirabu's hair. He glared at him deadly, his good mood all going away.

"I'm going to strangle you one of these days"

"I'm looking forward to you reaching my neck"

Shirabu looked like an angry chihuahua when angry, so it was difficult to be on his side without laughing. But Tendou's smile was all washed away as he was forced to put his skis inside the pocket on the side of the capsule and get inside. He was now sitting there with his three friends, two metres above the ground already, when some dumbass got his skis in the wrong way, and the lift stopped, making the capsule tilt from side to side, making him even more nervous.

"Tendou, you're pale" Ushijima noted, and Satori looked at him with hatred.

"No shit, Sherlock" he responded, still not wanting to admit his obvious fear of heights.

"Are you okay, Tendou-senpai?" Shirabu mocked in a high, teenage girl voice, calling him that on purpose, to annoy him even more.

"I'm fine" he only said, grasping onto the material of his jacket and closing his eyes shut, so he wouldn't see how high above the ground he actually was.

But about half the way up, he was already feeling as if he was to throw up any second.

"Tendou, I'm concerned, you're whiter than the snow" Ushijima stated, making the others laugh even louder, as Tendou glanced at them with despise.

"Screw you, Toshi" he said, managing to keep the leftovers of his confidence, because he was still inside something, that kept him from falling down.

It all changed when they got out, and he noticed the big, white slope in front of him, and how steep it was, going almost straight down, at least in his eyes.

"Wakatoshi, do I really have to get down? Can't I wait for you all here?" he finally asked, adjusting his skis unwillingly.

"What?" he said, looking at him curiously.

"I don't feel like sliding down, that's all" he explained faintly, and after a while of silence, he noticed Ushijima... laughing.

He full on laughed, his eyes almost disappearing with how high his cheeks lifted up, he held onto his own stomach, bent over in half, and laughing his ass off.

"What on earth are you doing?" Tendou was confused, seeing a view like this for the first time in his life. But Toshi wouldn't stop there, he almost fell over while laughing, seeming not to be able to catch his breath.

"Ushijima Wakatoshi, stop this right now! Stop making fun of me!" Satori tried to demand, but his own lip corners started to lift up subconsciously.

"I— I'm sorry, S-Satori, but your voice is so h-high-pitched right now, it-s i-impossible to take you s-seriously" the boy finally responded, "You sound like a l-little g-girl!"

Tendou chuckled as well, but it was mostly from suprise and shock Wakatoshi's excitement caused on him.

He looked very pretty while laughing, that's all he could focus on.

"Come on" Ushijima finally said, when he gathered himself up, still giggling like a four-year-old, and suddenly took Satori's hand, and began sliding down the hill.

"What the heck are you doing? Stop! I don't want to die, I'm going to fall!" he yelled, but the boy just kept laughing, ordering around to change his course every now and then, so they wouldn't fall on each other. Almost half the way he let go of his hand and began skiing even faster.

"Catch me if you can, Tendou!" he yelled, to the redhead's suprise. Why was he suddenly acting like a kid? He didn't know, but he also didn't mind. "If you can get to the bottom first, I'm buying you hot chocolate!"

"Oh, big man, you don't know what you just got upon yourself!" he yelled back, speeding as much as he could. None of his fears mattered, now that hot chocolate was on the table.

This sort of competition would last all day, and Tendou ended up loosing every single time, but the last time before going back to the hotel, he managed to outrun Ushijima. He was pretty sure the spiker let him do that, but he didn't care. He got down, unhooked his skis and jumped around in excitement, when Ushijima came down as well.

"My hot chocolate, Toshi! You owe me hot chocolate!" he shouted, all eager to go buy it right now.

To his suprise, Wakatoshi laughed again. It wasn't a crazy laugh like the one in the morning, but a slight giggle, as if he just saw something adorable.

"You skied down, Tendou! And didn't complain about the height of the mountain even once" he explained, smiling widely. And suddenly, Satori realized.

He did all those bets just for him to enjoy himself more and forget about his fears. He felt heat coming to his eyes, so he started blinking rapidly.

"I got a snowflake in my eye" he explained, and after a moment added "Well, I sure did, didn't I?"

"Yeah! And you were great, so I guess that means I do owe you your hot chocolate" he said, messing with Tendou's hair.

What on earth was going on? Was he on drugs?

"Everyone! Come on, let's go get chocolate before Sensei comes down!" the captain ordered, and the team followed him enthusiastically.

**

"Alright, this settles things for the next year's team. If anyone has any questions fee—"

Ushijima interrupted assistent coach with his hand gesture.

"Sir, if I may" he asked, his voice already steady and prepared for the speech he was about to give.

"Sure."

"Kawanishi. After Tendou leaves this world—"

"Oh my, Wakatoshi, don't make it sound like I'm about to die, or something!" Satori shouted, the other third years laughing in unison, looking at their captain's clueless expression.

"— You'll become the cornerstone for blocking. Have more confidence in yourself. Also, strenghten your serves." he said, in a demanding tone, but not very different from how he was communicating normally.

"Y-yes, sir!" the second year middle blocker yelled, stressed as he could be. Tendou laughed, noticing how tense he was. Oh god, how was this team going to manage without them?

"Shirabu!"

"Yes?"

"The structure of this team will from now on depend on you. We don't have any weak spikers, make sure you draw out everyone's potential."

"Yes."

"Umeda"

"Is he really going to say something questionably inspiring to every single one of them?" Semi whispered, and Tendou nodded.

"I'm afraid so, Semi-Semi"

"Stop calling me that already! Also, Tendou, I have a thing I need to ask you while Ushijima isn't listening"

Ushijima was in fact, listening.

"Shoot it" Tendou stated, lifting one eyebrow in curiousity.

"When're you going to tell him?"

"Tell him what?" he laughed "That his speeches are making them scared? No, that would break his heart, Semi-Semi, have a little compassion within you"

"You know what!" he hissed, staring angrily right into the redhead's eyes.

Of course Tendou knew what. He chuckled, smiling condesendingly at his friend and setter.

"Wasn't that you, Semi-Semi, who said he's straighter than a ruler? The answer is never in a million years, not until pigs fly, and the world's end is upon us. If these conditions are all met, I'll consider it" after saying that he focused his eyes on the ceiling, not wanting to look back at Eita.

"Oh, come on! I watch you two acting like an old married couple for six whole years and I get nothing of it? You need to tell him!"

"Yeah, I kinda have to agree with Semi on this one" Leon said, raising his hand as if he was asking the teacher  a question.

"What? You too?! Geez, do you have a shipping club or something? Don't you have your own lives to take care of?" he laughed nervously, hands already unfocused and tangling together his fingers behind his back to calm down.

"Do it or I will!" Semi threathened, and Tendou glanced him up and down with a deadly flame in his eyes.

"No you won't" he only hissed, his teeth clenched, and eyebrows frowning, looking down at the setter he was suddenly so intimidating, he really dropped the subject.

Tell me what? Ushijima thought, but had to focus on his speech.

"...Goshiki" he finally said, the first year looking at him as if he was about to pass out.

"Y-yes captain?" he mumbled faintly, and Wakatoshi grinned ever so slightly, that no one actually noticed, no one besides Goshiki.

"I'm counting on you."

Tears appeared in the young boy's eyes, as he yelled "Yes, Sir!" and then "Thank you very much!"

Tendou decided to go over to the emotional kid, and patted him slightly on the back.

"There, there, don't cry, how are you going to lead the team like that?"

The kid looked back up at him, with a thankful smile on his lips. Semi and the others couldn't shake the feeling that these two really do match each other perfectly. Wakatoshi builds everyone up with his officially sounding speeches, and Satori cheers them up if they need it. One is reserved, the other overly excited and emotional. One doesn't speak, the other won't shut up for a second.

One is oblivious, the other had been in love for the past six years and knows damn well that drilling feeling inside his stomach is never, ever going away. And he wishes it would, he wishes so hard.

Ushijima smiled gently as he watched Tendou laugh over the bent over boy.

"Alright" he decided to break the tention "I guess we still have that hundred serves to do"

He could really use some serious spiking right then and there,  the feelings inside him wanting to erupt like a volcano of emotions.

"You're really going to do that?" Tendou looked at him with exhaustion and shock in his eyes.

Ushijima laughed.

"I was joking"

"You were WHAT?" the team yelled, and then broke down into laughter.

And so their story went on, through the last months of high school, graduation, and then college. Well, for Tendou it was college, for Ushijima it was playing in Japan's National Youth Team, for players under the age of nineteen.

The fact they couldn't possibly get through the challenges of life without each other was clearly visible when they rented an apartament in Tokyo together and had the best time continuing being roommates, like they did for the last six years. They'd visit their old highschool once or twice, but mostly it was being out of the house for most of the day, coming home in the evening, and watching some crappy show, eventually falling asleep.

Ushijima always brought Tendou with him on his morning runs, much to the latter's disamusement. Tendou, on the other hand, would often explain the concepts he'd learn, but Ushijima, although he was an intelligent person, would mostly just nod and pretend to understand.

They were happy like that. No problems in sight, no worries, no sorrows. None of them mentioned the thing Wakatoshi overheard that day after loosing their match to Karasuno, and Tendou was very content not telling him anything.

Of course a string of jealousy would tie around his heart every time he opened the mail to find like a thousand fan letters all for his roomie, but he knew it wasn't like Ushijima was falling in love. He wasn't even sure if he was familiar with the concept.

Later on everyone assumed that it was the young player who left his best friend first, because of his ongoing career and invitations to other teams, but that actually wasn't true.

"Hey, Toshi, you there?" he heard Tendou's quiet voice on the other side of his door.

"Yeah" he mumbled, face buried deep in his pillow.

The door opened, and the redhead appeared in them, but when Ushijima finally looked at him, something seemed off. He appeared smaller, and thinner than usual, but the volleyball player explained that to himself with his exhaustion.

"I have an important issue I have to discuss with you." he said, and Wakatoshi lifted himself up to a sitting position, eyes hardly managing to stay open and focus on the boy's figure.

"What is it?" he asked, noticing the big envelope in his best friend's hands.

The boy sighed, looking through the big window, like he was searching for something in Tokyo's late night landscape.

"Remember when we were still kids, and you took me out to chocolate ice-cream after Ichika-chan's condition got worse for the first time?" he asked, his eyes upsent, mind already somewhere else.

"I do, why?"

"Well, we talked about our future then, remember? When I said that I'd most likely move to Paris, and live above an alcoholic, and shout at teenagers outside my unit?"

"I remember, but you already chose college here in Tokyo, didn't you?"

"Yeah I did, but... they offered me a scholarship in Paris. I'd study arts where arts have their origins, Toshi"

That fell upon Ushijima Wakatoshi like a rock, hitting him on the head, making him dizzy. The drilling feeling in his stomach increased, making him grip the material on his shirt that was there.

Was Tendou leaving him?

He did it all right, he closed off from the entire world, just so his emotions wouldn't bother anybody, he took care of him, he tried so hard not to tell him about that weird feeling he felt towards him ever since they met, he did it all. And still, he couldn't seem to be able to stop yet another person he... loved, from leaving him.

How could he? After he made him dependent on him through all these years, how could he just...?

But after all, what did Wakatoshi expect? He couldn't keep him in a cage forever, Tendou was someone with a free spirit, and it would do him more harm than good to keep him by Ushijima's side.

"But, Toshi, I'll tell them to go to hell, I really will" he noticed Tendou crying silently by the window, looking directly into his eyes "Once you tell me that one thing I need to hear to stay"

Ushijima's eyes lit up.

What did Tendou want to hear?

"And that is?" he whispered, not even blinking so he wouldn't miss any single move of Tendou's face, when he snorted sarcastically, and shook his head, looking at the ceiling.

"Of course you don't even know. Doesn't matter, Wakatoshi, I got my answer" he said, leaving the room, but the taller boy ran up to him and grabbed him by the wrist.

"Wait, let me think, please. I'm not good with emotions, you know that" he begged, and Tendou looked at him with his teary eyes, his look tearing Ushijima's heart apart, cold as ice. He finally nodded, and leaned against the doorframe.

What could he possibly want to hear? Was it about that weird gut feeling he had?

No, that couldn't be it. Nobody would like to hear about his feelings. No one never.

But truly, what else could it be?

"Are you asking if I want you to stay?"

"No, you heard me the first time."

Wakatoshi started to move backwards, until he stumbled upon his bed and sat on it, eyes fixed on the floor, head down, visibly concerned. It was heartbreaking for Tendou to see him like this, but his whole life was on the line. He'd give it all away for one second with his best friend, but he knew that would fuck him up for good if the feeling wasn't mutual. If Wakatoshi could ever leave HIM just like Tendou couldn't bring himself to.

The boy's breathing started to get short, as he struggled to get the right words. Tendou pitied him. For some reason, for some mistreating he experienced years ago, he wouldn't seem to ever let himself go, and he was bottling up everything he should be able to let go easily. He never though he'd seen it go this far, but here he was, watching Wakatoshi rip the hair out of his head, struggling and trying to say what he so needed to hear.

"I'll help you out, Wakatoshi. Since it's life or death for me, stay or leave, I guess I don't have to hide it anymore" he took a deep breath "Ever since that moment when you said let's break the rules and go get ice-cream, I was astonished by you. Here you were, the first person ever to bend their limits for my sake, and it moved me to the point I though I somehow developed a crush on you, my roommate, my teammate, my best friend. My very straight best friend." after that part, he wanted to see some kind of reaction, but got none, so he sighed and continued "But I knew it would eventually go away, because I was just shocked by the fact someone actually cared for me, in his really weird and odd kind of way. But it didn't. In fact, it only grew, every day, hour and minute, it stopped being a crush and started to be love. I was madly, and I mean it when I say it, madly in love with you, through half  of middle school and all high school. I knew I couldn't tell you, I knew it was pointless, and impossible to work out, but still, I couldn't help it. It became a part of who I was. And so it went on, and on, and on, until it was time to leave school, and Semi tried to get me to confess it. It didn't work out, I was too much of a coward, comfortable with having you just as his best friend. But after a year of living with you, out of my own wish, not the decision of the principal's office, I can clearly see that I can't live like that. I can't live without you, but for that I also need myself. I need back control over my life. So tell me, Wakatoshi, tell me that one magical thing I need, or I'll vanish right this second"

"Satori, you're making this too hard of a choice!"

"It shouldn't be a choice at all, Ushi! I'm already half convinced I should leave by what you're saying"

Come on, Ushijima, he wants the one thing you already know. It's not that hard. Just say it.

"I—" oh god, it was hard "I, uhm, I..."

His heart pounded like crazy, his head hurted, and he was dizzy from stress. Damn it, let it go, or you'll loose the one thing you care about!

"I... I'm really trying, Satori"

"That's not it" he only said, trying to leave once again.

"No wait! Wait, forgive me, please, don't go yet." he shouted.

"Okay, okay shush, the whole block will hear you with that tone" Tendou said calmly, putting both his hands over his friend's shoulders.

He was close to being histeric. All it took was three words. And yet he was too weak to say them. He could work his best, he could put all effort in making himself the best, the strongest, the undefeatable Ushijima Wakatoshi, and yet still, he wasn't strong enough. He wasn't enough.

Tears started rolling down his face, without him even realizing that.

"I— Fuck! Fucking hell, Fuck!" he screamed, and screamed, and screamed, but these three special words still couldn't seem to get out of his throat.

He noticed Tendou crying, as well.

"After seven years of staying by your side at all times, all I want is to be able to make you love me back. But I am really powerless, nothing has changed, has it? I couldn't be better than Oikawa, I couldn't give you what you wanted, I couldn't be a girl, for you to want me, and now, no matter how hard I try, I won't ever be able to just... make you love me back"

"That's not it!" Ushijima yelled "That's not it, I wouldn't like you to be anything else rather than yourself!"

"Then say it. Please, Toshi, I'm tired, it shouldn't be this hard. But I know you're an earnest person, if you say it, I'll blindly believe you." he sighed. He really did look tired, how come Ushijima hadn't noticed earlier? How his undereyes were all dark, how the vains in his eyes were visible, how thin and pale he was...

I love you.

I love you!

I love you so damn much it hurts me to know it!

"I— really hate myself right now" he said in a tired voice "I— uhm, I... "

His lips trembled, his whole body ached, everything was suddenly so blurry.

"Satori, you're my best—"

"Oh, my fucking god!" Tendou screamed "And to believe I actually hoped and believed you'll finally, finally fucking love me! Of course I am your best friend, you idiot, you never had any more than me! I know I matter! I know you care! But that's not enough, Ushijima, that's just not enough!" Tears flooded Tendou's eyes as he finally stormed off out of the room, and grabbed his phone, keys, and wallet on his way out.

"Wait! Wait, that's not what I was trying to say and you know it!" Wakatoshi shouted at him, but he didn't listen anymore.

The redheaded boy smiled, bittersweetly, while chocking on his own tears at his best and only true friend,  for what he considered to be the last time ever.

"It was a pleasure being your friend and teammate, Ushijima" he said and closed the door behind him.

That was the last time ever that Wakatoshi Ushijima broke his heart. But damn, it was going to last a whole lifetime.

**

Every day, for eighteen months the volleyball player would message his friend. At first it was a whole paragraph about how much of a mistake he made, but then it was just his name. It became a habit, everyday before work he'd just text him "Satori" and hope for the best, but the best never came.

He finished his career in Japan Youth National Team, and signed a contract with the polish one, Orzeł Warszawa. He left with nothing to even say goodbye to, even glad he was moving to the other side of the world, because everything in Tokyo was just a walking emobiement of the regret and hate he felt towards himself.

His new teammates were nice, they were very talkative and friendly, and their fans were so, so open and supportive, it was truly suprising. He even started learning the language, but it was a hard thing to do, considering it was one of the hardest on the planet.

"Wakatoshi!" he heard someone yell at his back, with that annoying little accent over "toshi" the polish used to say every time.  

"What?" he asked, turning around to see Daniel, his setter.

"Come, we have a thing to discuss with you"

Ushijima was tired, and didn't want to talk to anyone, but there he was, following the guy into their locker room, which he left like five minutes earlier.

"What's up?" he asked, noticing everyone, even the two girls managing them, standing around and looking at him and Daniel.

"Wakatoshi, before our coach got you to join us, he did a whole lot of research. You were simply the best there was, and percisely what we needed. But we're professionals, just like you, and we know that what you're showing us right now is nothing even remotely related to your best. So, the question remains: what's up? Are you homesick? Do you not like us?" Daniel asked, and Ushijima felt his heart go up to his throat. Oh god, he didn't know it affected them all like that.

"It's not that, no, I'm so sorry for letting you all down..." he started, but got cut off.

"Hey, man, stop apologizing! We just want to find a solution." said the one he got along with the best, Artur.

"It's just... my mind is kind of not cooperating with me these days. My motivation sort of... left me."

"Oh god, guys, I figured it out!" the girl, Kasia, as they all referred to her after Ushijima stated that her full name "Katarzyna" was too difficult for him to pronounce. "Heartbreak!" she yelled as if she'd just now discovered America for the second time.

But much to Ushijima's suprise, they all agreed on that, and soon he had a million arms leaning over him.

"Alright, let me introduce you to a copying mechanism we have against hearbreaks. We don't do this very often, because it's bad for the muscles, but this is an emergency situation. We call it wódka i karaoke. You'll love it."

Soon after he found himself in a karaoke bar, doubting every single life choice he ever made.

"Wakatoshi! We've seen you drink before, but this, this you haven't tried yet." Artur said, putting a huge bottle on the table.

"And what's that?" he asked.

"That, my friend, that's Żubrówka, it's an alcohol, and it'll get it all out of you"  he explained, and put the glasses on the table, pouring everyone one, and then bringing glasses with coke. "Drink it all at once, and then drink the other thing, so it doesn't burn so much in your throat.

Ushijima did as they told him, but didn't feel the need to drink the coke.

"It's not burning at all" he said, almost disappointed, which resulted in them all laughing.

"Alright then, let's have another round!"

Turns out their heads were much stronger than his, because they seemed completely fine after four rounds like that, and Ushijima's head was already going in circles.

"So, Wakatoshi, who's the unfamous girl we're talking about?"  Julia, the other manager, asked, nudging him with her elbow.

"It's a boy" he said, then covering his lips with his hand, not realizing he'd actually say what he meant. "How many percents that thing has?"

"Oh, fourty, I guess?" Artur said, giggling. The number itself made him dizzy.

"A boy, huh?" she asked "Cool, any name?"

"You want it how we say it or how you say it?"

"Normally?"

"So how you say it, alright" he sighed and said "His name is Satori Tendou. He's a wonderful person and I treated him the wrong way, and now he's never coming back"

Well, that came out darker than he anticipated. The fact that it CAME OUT was already a huge suprise.

"Oh, don't say that, Wakatoshi, I'm sure you can win his heart back" she patted his shoulder "In fact! I have a great idea! You'll sing a song, it's a karaoke bar after all!"

"Are you crazy, or are you dumb, the last time I sang it was at my teammate's birthday party in highschool" he declined, shaking his head no.

But it only took him two more rounds to eventually say yes. He complained about not knowing the lyrics, and they sure as hell were complicated to sing, but Julia told him not to worry, that he'll listen first, and then she'll translate him the whole song and teach him the chorus, so he can only sing that.

They were listening to his teammates go all goofy, while singing very old polish songs.

"Okay, what does that mean, and why does it sound so funny?" he asked sincerely.

"Well, it's a song called 'A wszystko to, bo ciebie kocham', and it means 'And all of this, because I love you'. The lyrics are actually pretty cute, he sings that he'll do it all out of love for the girl, and he doesn't know how to live without her, he could even kill himself for her, but the problem is, the song is very cheesy and well, kind of embarassing to sing. I'll record them, so I can send it to the groupchat in the morning" she laughed, and he joined along, noticing how weird they did really sound.

"Alright, and what do we sing?" he asked, looking through the sheet of available songs "And does it HAVE to be in polish?"

"Yes, yes it does, because it's going to be funny, and you're going to forget your sorrows for a bit, before we solve them!" she smiled widely at him, and he couldn't help but return the grin, moved by how far they were willing to go to get his personal life in order. "Alright, but first, tell me about what you did wrong, so I can choose. They're all old, I can't believe Artur picked this bar, but who cares, old songs can be romantic as well. So?"

"Oh, I'd rather not..." he said "I'm not good with things like that" But noticing Kasia's puppy eyes, he sighed and decided to go for it, the alcohol making it all seem easy. "Well, he was my best friend, and only friend, to be exact, for seven whole years before he told me he was moving to Paris, for a scholarship, like he wanted to for a long time. But he said he'd throw it all away, if only I told him what he needed to hear."

"That you loved him?" she asked, and she glanced at her, shocked.

"How did you know?!"

"It was kind of obvious, to be honest. And I'm guessing you didn't do that?"

"Yeah"

"Why?" she put her elbow on the table, and stared right into Ushijima's eyes, making him uncomfortable, but also convincing him to keep talking.

"I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I know it sounds dumb..."

"Oh, believe me, I know how that feels like. Both sides of the story, actually. Well, I'm sure he does have a reason to not want to see you again, but too bad, cause he's gonna. Alright, your song will be.... 'Stacja Warszawa'!" she shouted, excited that she found a perfect song.

"Does it mean Station: Warsaw?" he asked, and she nodded, giving him a thumbs up about his polish getting better.

"Good, you're a really quick learner there, Toshi!"

He froze upon hearing the nickname, but she didn't notice.

"Alright, so you're going to be singing this part" she explained, marking it on the lyrics. "Overall, the song is about how lonely Warsaw seems for the guy without his love, and how everything that is wrong with this city would suddenly be better if only she were there. And you're parts meaaaan... the first one is 'Everything would be so different, if you were here, I know, not so difficult and strange, if only you were here, I know.' The second one is 'If love means anything, it must give us a sign, maybe sometime you'll see it, and tell me that...' and the rest isn't your part cause I feel like you'd have a hard time propouncing it.

"That's actually... pretty accurate" he whispered, amazed by the text.

Then she proceeded to teach him the lyrics.

He was feeling insecure and embarassed, about to sing, which he totally didn't like, and sing in a language he barely even knew, but the alcohol did it's job, and he didn't care as much. It was honestly a nice feeling, to be able to let it all go at once, but he was trying not to do that, because that would've flooded him all, and he'd become a big, pathethic mess.

And that's when he realized. He couldn't say these easy, three words, because he was afraid, that if he'd let his guard down this much, it would all come out, all these emotions he'd been holding, and he was worried how that would feel. It was so sudden and logical, he was left there in shock, and payed only half of his attention to what Julia was explaining.

He went on the stage, somehow, reassured by the fact that almost all of the guests that night was the team, and he wouldn't embarass himself in front of any strangers.

The song was nice to listen to, but the performance of polish volleyball players, well, not so much. He wasn't one to talk with his vocal abilities, but well.

It was soon his part, and he took the microphone shyly, wrapping both his hands around it, and sang quietly:

"Wszystko byłoby inne gdybyś tu był, ja wiem, nie tak trudne i dziwne, gdybyś tu był, ja wiem" the fact that he didn't fully understand made it less awkward to say, that was shocking.

Then the music's volume went up, and he sang more confidently:

"Jeśli miłość coś znaczy to musi dać znak, kiedyś też to zobaczysz, powiesz mi tak"

Even to himself, he sounded like a half dead pig, and his polish was terrible, considering it had a lot of consonants in one place, and not one consonant and one vocal syllables, like in Japanese.

It truly did feel amazing to finally say something like that, and he didn't know which factor made it so easy: the percents in the alcohol he just drank, or his poor understanding of the lyrics, but he started smiling.

"That was so, so good!" Kasia shouted once Artur, Daniel, and Ushijima, of course, left the stage. "I got that on your camera, Toshi!" she shook the device to prove it. "And I'm posting it right now! Tell me, does this almost-boyfriend of yours have an instagram account?"

"He does, why?" he asked, not fully aware of his sorroundings by then, not realizing she was in fact, not joking, but really posting his singing on instagram, on his official, verified account, and tagged Tendou in it.

After that, it was three or four songs before they left. The guys have all went home, and he was left with Julia and the other girl, Kasia, on the cold streets of Warsaw in the middle of the night.

"So, he took off to Paris, huh?" the first girl started the conversation.

"Mhm"

"You know, while we're talking about songs, there's another one I like. It's highly sexist and not quite adequate for modern times, but once you understand it was written in the eighties, it's actually kind of logical, and beautiful."

"How do the lyrics go, then?" he asked, too drunk to be reserved.

"Well, the quote I'm talking about in polish is 'Bo męska rzecz - być daleko', and it means it's men's thing to be far away. She then says the only thing you can do is wait, and hope, the tears in your eyes will turn into happy tears at once. The title means that you can still see the white sail in the distance, and it's about the sail of the ship they boy is on, leaving her, and she's not sure when he'll come back. But what's most important is to hope that he eventually will." she said in a dreamy voice.

"You're right, that is sexist"

"Look at our dear Toshi, standing up for women" they both laughed. "But it does make sense, doesn't it?"

"I can see why it you consider it reassuring. I do hope to see him walking out of a plane to see me at some point, even though he hadn't said a word to me in a year and a half"

"He will. If all you said was true, it's true love. And love finds a way."

"Julia?"

"Yeah, Toshi?"

"How do you say I love you in polish?" he asked, his eyes glossy, she almost saw the reflection of the moon in them.

"Kocham cię" she said quietly. "Kocham meaning I love, and cię meaning you"

"It sounds nice. Kocham cię" he said, and all three of them laughed at how dumb that sounded in his mouth, all blurred together and not at all sounding like the nice and earnest expression Julia said before. But nevertheless, he was smiling widely. "I said it" he whispered, a hot feeling flooding his chest.

"Congratulations, Mr Closed Off, you really did"

Wakatoshi looked at the moon. Was Tendou looking at it right now as well? Was he still wishing for them to be looking at it together?

**

The next morning, Ushijima woke up in his rented apartament, noticing it was still so early, considering he didn't have practice that day, and wondered what on earth woke him up.

His head hurted like hell, and he felt like throwing up. Then, he heard the thing that woke him up again. It was the doorbell.

"Idę!" he yelled, meaning 'I'm coming' in polish. It was actually one of the first phrases he learned, because his neighbours and mailman were all confused when he used to say it in english, or worse, japanese.

He needed to support himself by holding onto the wall, because the dizzyness became unbearable. He promised himself never to drink with his team again. He turned the key in his lock, and opened the door.

He thought for a second he was still asleep, when he saw who was ringing his doorbell at this ungodly hour. He looked differently, his hair was styled differently, and his style changed, but for sure it was him.

No, he must've mistaken someone for him. Maybe it was some kind of a new neighbour with dyed hair, and he was still drunk? Or maybe too dizzy to notice the details? Or his imagination was playing tricks on him?

Only then had he realized he was staring bluntly at the person for almost a minute now.

"Toshi?" he heard a familiar voice say.

So it was him. How did he get here? When did he get here? Why did he get here?

All the dizzyness, and more importantly, the weird drilling feeling inside his stomach disappeared at once, and he truly saw, Tendou Satori in the flash, standing in front of him.

"Tendou, Kocham cię" he said suddenly, not wanting to wait with it any longer, since it was him. He then proceeded to hug him as tightly as he never did before, inhaling the scent, the aura, it all.

"What?" Tendou laughed, as vibrantly as freely as Ushijima remembered it. The one thing he'd never forget was Tendou's laugh, even if it were fifty years, not one and a half.

"That means I love you in polish" he explained.

"Oh. But you're my best—"

"Shut it!" he shouted, way too loud for the early hour.

"I'm kidding, relax" Satori smiled widely. "In that cause, Kocham cię, too"

the end

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #459

“i wanted you to know that i love the way you laugh  /  i wanna hold you high and steal your pain away”

Does the person you like have any flaws? He's never seemed very expressive of what he feels. Has anyone ever given you a ring? Why? Yes. Because it was our anniversary and he wanted to, ig. If you ruled your own country, what type of government would it have? I'm not educated enough to answer this. Creation theory, Evolution or the Big Bang theory? I really don't know what I believe about the origins of the universe, but I do believe in evolution. Describe one of your most emotional farewells. The last time I saw Jason and we talked for a long time, and I finally got my closure. It was all so heavy. It started so stiffly, but it ended with us just chatting and smiling and, to my absolute shock, a hug from him. I'm getting emotional so NEXT QUESTION. What was your last serious conversation about? I was reassuring and comforting Sara about some stuff. Is there a city that you have a particular fondness for? If so, what city is it and why? No. Are there any gnomes in your yard? No. When was the last time you were stung by a bee? What kind was it? Years ago. A bumblebee. Are you gonna buy lottery tickets when you’re old enough? I am old enough, and no. The odds are way, way too small, and I don't really dabble in addictive behavior. Have you ever been into a real cave? No. :( That's a life goal, though. Have you ever posted mean comments on YouTube? I know I did once as a kid. It was regarding Meerkat Manor and I thought it was really disrespectful to Flower just because of the music chosen lmao. The drama. What color is your digital camera, if you have one? Black. If you had to spend one day in any movie storyline, which one would it be? Alice in Wonderland, I suppose? Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): Oh man, I've played waaaaay too many video games. I suppose Silent Hill with how confused it left me at first. Its concept is definitely wild. Parasite Eve is high on the list, too. In your opinion, what is the saddest movie you’ve ever seen? Boy in the Striped Pajamas destroys me. What is the best song to make out to? I could answer this but I'm not gonna lmfao Is there anyone right now that you are simply/overly infatuated with? story of my life ayyyyeeeee Who was the last person to play with your hair? Are they cute? Not a clue. Who was the last person close to you that died? Did you cry? Jason's mom. I sobbed on-and-off for days. Do you consider yourself a healthy person? Physically and mentally? No, in either way. Do you know anyone who owns a boat? My dad does. I'm sure others, too, with how popular fishing out on a boat is here. Do you know anyone who uses medical marijuana? I don't know. Even for medicinal purposes, it's not legal here. Do you know anyone who’s died in childbirth? No. What did you do for your 21st birthday? I was in the psych hospital, so... lmao. Therapy, reading, and coloring. Lots of reading and coloring. Because they did NOT fill your schedule enough there. We only had two group therapy sessions a day, and the rest was just... blankness. If dinosaurs could be tamed, would you want one as a pet? I know I'd be one of the dumb ones that absolutely wanted a tiny raptor, lol. Do you own more than one copy or edition of a book? No. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? Not interested. Do you eat soup when you’re sick? I don't like soup. If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? My first real series that I read religiously was Hank the Cowdog. Then it was Warriors. Do you buy Halloween candy when it’s on sale after the holiday? No. I really don't need candy available to me. Do you agree with the “they’re just being kids” excuse? It depends on what they're doing. In a lot of cases, no. Do you ever watch talk shows? No. Do you have a/any hero(s)? Mark Fischbach, Steve Irwin, my mom... Have you told your parents all of your secrets from when you were a teen? No. Though Mom has playfully once told me that she knows a lot of things I don't think she does, and that's terrifying lmao. You’re getting married. Who’s your maid of honor and best man? M.o.H.: Mom or Sara. Best man isn't my choice. Would you rather get highlights or dye your whole head? DYE IT ALLLLLLL. Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? My friendship ring w/ Sara. It has a heart carved on the outside and "bitch" engraved inside so no one can see when you have it on, lol. She has one that says "jerk." It's a Supernatural reference. Who challenges you the most? In what way? My therapist and psychiatrist. They just help ensure I pursue my goals and give me little nudges forward to reassure me. Who seems to hold you back? In what way? PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT ME. I listen to my anxiety WAY too much. What was the last opportunity that you passed up, and why? Going up to Lake Gaston w/ Mom to visit Ash and her fam. They go there all the time, and it's a real nice place. I just didn't want to go because of the heat. Should there be an application process for having children? Hunny, that would not stop people from fuckin lmfao Name one thing that you think defines you as a person? m e e r k a t s What is a fear you have about living on your own? That depression would get the better of me and I'd neglect taking good care of my house. One of the many reasons I'll never live alone. Not at all saying I'd leave the responsibilities to my partner, but they'd be motivation for me to get stuff done. What’s the worst name your mom has ever called you? I don't know. Nothing that bad. What’s your stance on spooning? It helps me feel safe and loved and alsdkfjalwe I just love cuddling in all sorts lmao What’s your most recent obsession? Violet Orlandi & Melodicka Bros' cover of "Somebody That I Used to Know." Have you ever been scammed? Ha ha, yes. I once wanted to get Jason a Joker and Harley Quinn pillow from deviantART; talked to the artist, paid 'em, never got it. :^) Have you ever fostered an animal? No. I would get WAY too attached to foster. I wouldn't be able to give them up without breaking down, probs. Do you know anyone who acts way younger than what they are? I'm sure I do, but no one is coming to mind atm. Would you say you’re a pretty independent person? God no. Does the last song you listened to, remind you of someone? JASON. Do you currently want a new computer? Yes, actually. I want a desktop PC for better gaming quality, honestly. Also, the "escape" key doesn't work on this laptop, one key is missing so I have to hit the sensor JUST right, and it restarts randomly sometimes. I want a PC mainly because I want to get out of the habit of being on my laptop in bed all damn day. How would your parents react if you got a tattoo? I already have like six or seven, so they wouldn't be surprised. Is there anyone you can picture yourself being with forever right now? Maybe. Who is your truest friend? Sara. What is the strangest thing you’ve ever seen outside of your house? THIS house? Idk. Nothing that I'd consider odd. What bug frightens you most? STAG BEETLES lkadjslkfja;lwekjawl;kejrlawer Who is your oldest friend? That would be Sam, and he's in his mid-30s. How long have you known them? Many years. We met via WoW, which I've been playing since '14. I don't really remember how far into it we met, though. Where are they right now? lol I wouldn't know, he's all the way in Jersey. Plus we haven't talked in a while. Have you ever dated a friend of one of your siblings? God no, that would be so weird. What is the best gift someone can give you? An ear to listen without it feeling like a chore to them. Have you ever dated someone who had a child? No. I don't think I could do it. What is the last movie that made you cry? The The Lion King remake made me tear up. Have you ever played in a waterfall? No. Ugh, that sounds like a blast. In your life who has meant the most to you? Let's not get into this. What has been your biggest failure in life? Letting depression and my other conditions take away my identity, becoming my new identity. Do you trust yourself? No. I second-guess EVERYTHING and never know what I should listen to: my heart, my head, my gut... or which voice is what. Would you ever consider getting an abortion, under any circumstances? Yes. What was the last bug you killed? Some kind in the bathroom. Idk what it was. Just a little thing that sort of resembled an earwig, but not completely. Do you prefer profile pictures by yourself of with someone else? By myself, since it's my page. Do you know anyone who has written a book? I don't think so? Do you drink milk/juice from the carton if no one is around? Ew, no. I live with another person, and even if I didn't, what if I had guests? Has anyone ever told you they liked you in a realllly sweet way? Maybe? Has a member of the opposite sex ever given you jewlery? Jason has. Do you find sleeping in cars easy? NOOOOOOOOOO. I'm too scared to let my eyes close and not see what's going on on the road. Has a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s parents ever gotten mad at you? Why? I don't believe so, no. What is the funniest thing a child has ever said to you. Definitely something my niece has said, but idr what it was. What’s been on your mind lately? Y'all know, lol. Do you feel like you need to get something off your chest? No. Sara was recently there for that. ♥ How would you react if someone told you they had feelings for you? Be very very excited if it was from a certain person.

[superangsty]

👉🏼👈🏼 ive been fixating on spirk lately and would like to talk abt it, if you were being sincere in your tags

fsdgfh honestly when I want to talk about something it’s mostly just me SCREAMING bc that SCENE man that SCENE. Like, the rest of STID is garbage especially when they brought Kirk back with Khan’s blood like what was that??? Why did they do that?? Also I feel like the first two films of AOS are really missing the whole crew being like a family and made it instead about a bunch of beautiful straight people having awkwardly written personal issues.

FIRST THINGS FIRST: required reading is of course Henry Jenkin's thing about The Glass. I tend to assume everyone has read it but if you haven't. Get on that. Here it is:

When I try to explain slash to non-fans, I often reference that moment in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan where Spock is dying and Kirk stands there, a wall of glass separating the two longtime buddies. Both of them are reaching out towards each other, their hands pressed hard against the glass, trying to establish physical contact. They both have so much they want to say and so little time to say it. Spock calls Kirk his friend, the fullest expression of their feelings anywhere in the series. Almost everyone who watches the scene feels the passion the two men share, the hunger for something more than what they are allowed. And, I tell my nonfan listeners, slash is what happens when you take away the glass.

Anyway all I'm saying is that no matter what JJ Abrams thinks he CAN'T recreate WoK because he doesn't UNDERSTAND WoK at the necessary level.

But with regards to STID so like okay at a very basic level you've got two things which are 1) Spock having Big Feelings and 2) the knowledge that Vulcans kiss with their hands and these two things on their own were enough to make 14 year old me watching it in the cinema for the first time feel ABSOLUTELY INSANE like for real I've been chasing that high ever since. And when Spock starts screaming? That's the Good Shit. 

Also sidenote there's this theme park nearby (ish) called Thorpe Park and I went there on school trips a couple of times and there's a ride there called Rumba Rapids and the music they play in the queue is really not relevant but its fun and when I was 16 I suggested to my friends how much funnier films would be if it was playing during sad scenes so one time we watched STID and when we got to this scene we turned the volume down low and the rumba rapids music up high. Not relevant to this post, but I just Unlocked that memory while I was thinking about this and I wanted to share.

Just gonna preface this by saying that Spock's death in WoK is obviously a lot more compelling than Kirk's in STID because in AOS JJ Abrams has this obsession with making Kirk the big hero who's so amazing and brilliant and is carrying the entire world on his shoulders so of Course he would give up his life to save the ship (and when you think of the parallels w his father doing the same it becomes even more about him trying to live up to his father's reputation and idk! I feel like it cheapens the sentiment!). Meanwhile the original films they'd moved past TOS's kirk-centric vibe and it was about the crew working together bc they're a family and it's about Spock! Who'd run away to try and escape all these feelings that had come from the enterprise! And it's like yes he can explain his decision with the 'needs of the many' logic but at the end of the day he is doing this to save the people he loves and EVERYONE knows it.

One thing I will say in STID's favour is that the lead-up to this scene with the repetition of the "Better get down here. Better hurry." line from WoK is excellent mostly because Quinto is a much better actor than Shatner and you can see how INSTANTLY he understands it's to do w Kirk as opposed to Shatner looking over at Spock's empty chair and being like huh. Wots all this then. Also I like the way Quinto Spock runs I think it's funny :)

The next part when Scotty's like blah blah decontamination whatever after Spock asks him to open the door like sure okay I can get behind Spock being so overwhelmed that his common sense flies out the window but what I DON’T like is that it's only them down there. Where is the Drama of the entire engineering department watching Kirk have a meltdown over his best friend dying? Where's Kirk needing to be held back by three people because he's so desperate to get to Spock? Where's Scotty saying 'he's dead already' and the life just DRAINING out of Kirk? In STID it's just like "open the door." "can't do that." "yeah okay whatever."

NEXT BIT: Their dying conversation. In WoK Kirk and Spock have known each other most of their lives. They don't need to say much bc they just Understand each otherand you see that! When Kirk is finishing Spock's sentence and when Spock says "I have been and always shall be your friend" which seems a lot more meaningful than STID Kirk and Spock going "I want you to know why I went back for you" "Because you are my friend" and yeah it still HURTS but it's like. They don't have the history they don't have that enduring kinda love they just have a couple of years of being vaguely passive aggressive towards each other and it's still nice for Spock to realise like oh this is friends! This is a friendship! But Kirk's death just doesn't seem as tragic!!!

That being said. There ARE some raw lines there like "I'm scared Spock. Help me not to be. How do you choose not to feel?" "I do not know. Right now I am failing." Like that's IT that's the GOOD SHIT it's been nearly 8 years and I still think about it all the time. And again I can't say much for Chris Pine but Zachary Quinto's acting is MILES ahead of Shatner's and the crying! Spock crying! It's So Much!!!!!!!! And I like the music. I like the long shot of their hands meeting between the glass. It's very cinematic which while missing the campiness of WoK has it's own charm.

I like in WoK when Spock dies and Kirk slumps like he's lost every last bit of energy he had, like he's dying too, however I ALSO very much like in STID when Spock just fucking. Screams. And then goes and runs on a train and beats up Benedict Cumberbatch. I feel like it's fitting that Kirk dying kinda untethers him and lets him just absolutely lose his shit. I love seeing men beat each other up.

This has gone on much too long. Sorry I guess it just turns out I have Thoughts and this is probably barely skimming the surface but it's 9am on a Thursday and I have class in an hour but I've been sitting here rewatching the scenes and typing out this rant. As I said I really don't think I have anything original to say but like. Here ya go babe

[sunfloweradore]

i’m leaving this blog

hi! this post is a bit long but at the end you’ll find prompts and requests that you are free to use if you’re a writing blog :).

hi there!! if you’re reading this, i hope you’re doing well and staying safe. i just wanted to say that i’m leaving this blog and i’m not sure if i’ll ever come back. the years i’ve spent being a harrie have been great and it’s been a crazy amount of time! pretty much since the x factor! however, for a long time it’s also felt like i’ve been forcing myself to be a fan of harry’s. i’ve put so much energy into being a fan of his that it hasn’t been fun for me in a while and neither has writing fanfiction, which is what this blog is mainly for. it’s felt very difficult to sit down and write a fantasy about somebody who i might not even like anymore and in hindsight it seems a little dumb, but i did stress over writing all the time. this isn’t really about anybody i’ve interacted with on tumblr because you’re all lovely but sometimes it feels as though harries don’t treat him like he’s a human being and instead like he’s a god. me, included. even though i know we joke about harry being the only man we’d let degrade us or destroy our lives or whatever, he is still a person at the end of the day! it took me a very long time to realize that and thinking of him as otherworldly or completely perfect was my way of thinking for a while and i think it was pretty damaging. the fact that so many people would literally die for him is sad because unfortunately, none of us are going to be on his “level”, so to speak. we don’t know him personally and chances are we aren’t ever going to. ahhhh please don’t be mad at me for saying this, it’s just something i’ve realized i need to change about myself and i think it’s something we should all consider about everyone we are fans of. 

anyway, the time and energy i’ve spent on something so ridiculous is exponential and i really feel like it’s time to put it in the past. i’m dedicating this year to self-growth and part of that is learning how to be my own person. feeling like i have to be interested in something or someone in order to be normal has been a common theme in my life and harry has been that someone for as long as i can remember. this isn’t his fault of course but i’m getting older and i don’t want to think of this time in my life as the era that i was obsessed with harry styles. instead, i want to form memories and real life experiences instead of using fanfiction as a way to cope with all of the things that i can’t handle in my life. it worked for a while but at this point i’ve been reading it and writing it for so long that it feels like i’m living inside my head, like i’ve become dependent on it (obviously this is very bad lolol). so, long story short, i will be leaving this blog because it just isn’t good for me anymore. thank you to everyone who has requested things for me to write and anyone who has interacted with my writing. sorry i couldn’t get through them :(. i’d also like to thank everyone i met through this blog because you’re all such amazing people and you deserve the world. i will leave my writing up but the sentiment still applies- i’ve worked very hard on everything i’ve written so please don’t repost any of it without crediting me, thank you.

below are requests i couldn’t get to and prompts(?)/works that i never got to finish. feel free to use them if you want and tag me in them bc i’d love to see how you write them :)

1. paperboy harry!

i think the direction i wanted this to go in was kind of like a 40′s au? or just a long long time ago. not sure why i had this started seeing as i already have harry as a paperboy in a story of mine but go off ig

2. vampire harry!

i had a specific plot i wanted where harry was in a car wreck because of a vampire who ended up biting him in like an alleyway. reader saves him and is a vampire herself! she nurses him back to health n teaches him how to be a vamp with various shenanigans along the way

3. hospital au?

this one i’m not too sure about but if you’ve seen the red band society you’d sort of know the direction i was going with this. there’s kind of an in-between for people in the hospital who are fighting death or going into surgery and in that in-between is a boy who has been in a coma for a long time. i pictured this as being angsty and for harry to be the boy who guides people in certain directions but he ends up falling for the reader while she’s there

4. ghost au!

self explanatory but i pictured harry as the ghost who kind of just wants a friend lol

5. tea au?

this would probably be pretty short, i just thought it was cute! reader has different kinds of tea all the time and it’s a surprise each time he kisses her 

6. strawberry farm au?

reader has a strawberry farm LMAO maybe harry buys them from her or it’s another vampire au, who knows!

7. threesome

most likely has been done b4 but a threesome w 2 guys and the reader where the guy is inside harry while he is inside the reader

8. chocolate by the 1975

a fic based on that song! it would probably be from harry’s pov 

9. space au?

hmm i think i probably saw something that inspired this but all it says is “harry sends letters to space” so i’m assuming it’s an au where he just decided to send letters to space out of boredom or something and mayhaps alien reader finds one?

10. assassin au!

harry is an assassin and in my draft it’s super vague? and almost seems like he’s stalking the reader? it could go in any direction really but i’m assuming the reader is dating him and doesn’t know he’s an assassin

11. chapstick

very similar to the tea one! just w the reader wearing diff chapsticks all the time

12. shower

this is inspired by something i read on wattpad a long time ago and i’ve tried finding it but i think it might’ve been deleted. the reader flicks da bean all the time in the shower and is really loud about it, harry is distracted and confronts her

13. dang ANOTHER threesome

but this time harry is on a date with a girl and they’re at a bar- the girl is looking around, sees the reader and thinks she’s gorg and they end up having a threesome

14. photography au!

harry is a photographer who somehow ends up taking pictures of the reader. in my draft the reader asks him to delete the ones that are ugly but he keeps them all hehe

15. scrapbook au

similar to the last one, harry takes pictures of the reader a lot but it’s not bc he’s a photographer, he just thinks she’s pretty n wants to scrapbook. twist is that he has TWO scrapbooks- one of innocent pics and one that’s lustier (consensual ofc)

16. habits of my heart by jaymes young

self explanatory, angsty

17. roommate au?

this is for some reason also an assassin au? but they’re roommates and reader doesn’t know what he does. they’re bffs, mutual pining

18. don’t forget about me by clove

wow another song fic, big surprise

19. puppyy

harry gets a puppy who hates him :( but the puppy loves the reader!

20. mall au

lol this one is kind of dumb idk why i thought of it but harry is one of those kiosk people at the mall who sells perfume! dunno!

21. condoms

reader works at gas station, harry buys huge condoms

22. poetry

either person reads erotic poetry while touching the other

23. magic au

one of them makes a love potion, kind of dark? like making the other fall in love with them idk it could be an accident though

24. private chef

the reader is a private chef! that’s all i’ve got!

25. message board

this is inspired by..... the sims lmaooo you can pin messages to the message board in your apartment building and i thought it’d be cute if the reader and harry lived in the same building and he leaves notes on the board and she doesn’t know they’re for her! she always thinks they’re cute though

26. raisin theory

inspired by new girl! specifically a comment i saw in like a compilation? video of new girl on yt

i thought it’d be cute for harry to be that person

[ohnobjyx]

Plum blossoms in the snow (II)

Part 4: April and May (II)

Disclaimer: I try to keep things objective (if I include my personal opinion, it’s in cursive and in brackets), but I’m biased because of the XZ friendly content I’m usually exposed to and by my own views of their situation. Open to discussion, but please make sure you’ve enough information to do so.

(There was a mistake in the last post, that an anon pointed out. I’ve edited the post. Thank you!)

In May, some of the controversy resurfaced, in the topic of how idols and celebrities affect the younger generations, and, even how they affect younger generations by affecting those in charge of their education.

TV documentary

At the beginning of May, a documentary appeared on the news about a mother worried for her high school daughter, who neglected her studies “because she was infatuated with XZ”. Among other things, she’d ask for money to buy XZ’s new song (0’5 by the way) and she’d borrow money from her classmates to buy things he endorses.

Her daughter also appeared on the documentary, saying that her academic performance has nothing to do with XZ, but rather with the pandemic situation, as she’s not used to online classes. It turned out that she had skipped a grade, and entered high school directly from 2nd year of middle school, so she lacked the support of a network of friends and encouragement in her new situation. She said that as soon as she got her motivation back, she’d keep studying.

However, general public sided with her mother, and said that this kind of obsession with an idol was leading the youths astray.

Interview with Economic View

XZ also gave an interview, for the first time since 2/27, for Economic View, alking about many topics, the “XZ fans incident” among them (I found this video with subtitles, and I think the subtitles are quite good).

He said, among other things:

“Everything happened in the climax of the country’s fight against the epidemic. I was deeply troubled and worried while I was quarantined at home. I also felt very if this incident has brought trouble to netizens. If that’s the case, from here, I want to say a sincere ‘I’m sorry’.

Since my debut to now, I’ve never ceased to receive well-meaning criticism and guidance. I went from being a normal person to go on to the stage. From my friends, from seniors… I’m always open to them. But of course, there is malicious criticism, some fake rumours and slander, that I think don’t affect just me, but also my friends and family. I don’t feel wronged. I just don’t understand.

When I was 19-20, and I first used w/ibo, I didn’t realize. That in such a public platform, I made inappropriate comments that have hurt other people. I apologize for the consequences of the inappropriate comments I’ve made in the past.”

He also said that the fans always did public welfare projects in his name, and that he got energy from them.

“I hope fans can live their own lives well, and don’t resort to extreme actions to hurt others or themselves.”

This interview was of course praised for showing responsibility and answering almost all questions. We can all notice that his responses are very carefully worded, that he takes his time thinking about what he’s going to say and how, and that his answers are very calculated. Don’t misunderstand me. He did it very well in this interview, and I don’t think he was insincere, but he needed to be very careful about what he said at the time.

Other idols and their sasaengs

On the 9th of May, WYB posted the following:

“I work very hard, can’t I even nap for a bit in the car? My staff stood in front of your car, and you still dared to drive forward? For a long time, strangers come and knock my hotel room’s door, they install tracking devices in my car, there’s people following me no matter where I go… unbelievable! I really can’t understand you!”

A crazy fan had followed him on her car. When the security had tried to stop her, stepping in front of her car, she still tried to drive forward.

To this, UNIQ OFFICIAL account expressed their support like this:

“Against this kind of vile behaviour, report to the police! Let the law investigate their legal responsibility! To those who go against other people’s security and don’t respect your privacy, zero tolerance!”

The teacher’s incident

On the 10th, XZ posted:

“Please listen to me carefully once more! I wish you to take good care of your studies, careers, personal lives, and to place them before “chasing stars”. Study hard, take your job seriously. Be responsible and assume your obligations, follow the rules of your career and abide by professionalism. I don’t your help.”

This message may seem harsh to some of their fans. So, why did XZ publish such a comment?

A primary school teacher had posted a video of his students cheering for XZ. This angered a lot of netizens, who said that she was using a position of power to “indoctrinate” young children to like this idol. The haters affirmed that she was guiding the children to “chase” stars, and that she’s a bad influence (I actually agree with this one, you really shouldn’t do this in a classroom, but to involve XZ again is going too far).

XZ and the teacher were reported to the authorities. The Ministry of Education answered that the teacher had been suspended from her job and the school’s director had received a formal reprimand. The teacher’s w/ibo account had also been blocked. This is the main reason for XZ’s post.

Talking about unreasonable responses, after this incident with the teacher, the next day the topic “XZ’s supertopic teachers group” went on hot search in w/ibo. A group consisting of more than 1000 teachers, all fans of XZ, had been formed inside the supertopic. This was widely questioned by the netizens and haters.

To be fair, this didn’t happen just to XZ. Around the same time, another video emerged, with a teacher encouraging his kindergarten students to cheer for Wang Junkai. So with this incident, the Ministry of Education started to pay attention to similar content.

On the 14th, XZ forwarded an article by People’s Daily about teachers using their students to cheer for their idols and asking 

“Don’t go beyond the limits of your professionalism. Don’t leave the circle of rationalism. The fan quan can’t circle everything” (”quan” means circle)

Many more teachers were reported, and in response, the XZ’s fans association posted this:

“There are many voices criticizing XZ’s fans right now. We accept the criticism. XZ has told his fans to “pursue the idols” in a civilized and rational way, but some still display unreasonable behaviour. These actions have a great negative impact on him. We apologize to him and to other fans in their name.”  

This even extended to a teacher teaching a course of cyber-violence. She used XZ as an example of cyber violence and haters’ attack. This was brought again to the authorities by the haters, and she was suspended from her job. Luckily, her students and their parents were very supportive and defended her, so she came back to her post.

(This was just ridiculous. Really).  

This is quite a curious thing: even though we can see that objectively, this teacher didn’t do anything wrong, the department deemed her at fault due to the large number of reports.  

(It’s a thinking that goes along the lines of “if a lot of people think she has done something wrong, then she must have done something wrong”.)

So if haters can’t find anything to criticize in XZ, they’ll turn to his fans.

More support...

15th of May. A screenwriter and director posted a comment praising XZ and lamenting about his situation. The next day, he updated saying that he had been attacked in private comments because of his post, so he was very angry by it (he was angry with haters, not with xz).

On that day a photographer that had worked with him also praised him, saying he was humble and polite. He was also attacked by haters and antis, saying he had only praised XZ out of all the idols he had worked with, so he had to have ulterior motives, such as being paid by his studio or insulting the other idols in disguise.

People noticed that if someone defends XZ, no matter who they are, they’ll be attacked. No matter what XZ does, he’ll be criticized by some. If he doesn’t do anything, the haters turn on to his fans. Hater were trying to destroy every effort he made, and they managed it easily at first. After each appearance in public, he faces all kinds of comments. So conspiracy theories surged, about a mastermind behind the haters.

Even the lawyer that was managing XZ’s case was attacked by haters.

(Who in his right state of mind calls a lawyer with their own mobile phone to insult them? This logic and rationale amazes me…)

... and a little disappointment

At the end of May, the photos of him filming a episode of the season 2 of 青春环游记 were leaked on S/na News. He did participate in the recording, but the episode didn’t include him in the end (aired mid-June). A worker said they had been feeling pressure from various fronts, and finally felt that it’d be best not to include him (I suppose they feared the pressure from the antis).

In the midst of disappointment, his fans mostly reacted by keeping a positive attitude: “he posted two selfies lately, he shot a cute video making a drink (the douyin video), he seems in a good mood in all them. With them he was trying to cheer us fans. He has told us not to be used by others, not to get carried away by antis, not believe rumours, and to not be suspicious of his studio. What’s an episode in a variety show? He got paid anyway just for recording it. Let’s not cry over it.”

Truly, in spite of everything that happened at February and March, I think this is the kind of comments he deserves from his fans: people who are a little bit sad because he didn’t make it to the episode in the end, but who are still supporting him, waiting for his next project and listening to what he says.

←Part 4 (I): Plum blossoms in the snow (I) | Part 5 and 6: A snowy summer→

[elefics]

torment / chapter 1

First chapter for torment! Basically setting up Lyla’s character and background, and how she ended up at the Academy. The juicy stuff is coming soon hehe 

As long as I can remember, as a kid, I felt like I didn't belong. I didn't fit in, and always felt just slightly out of place. Like, don't get me wrong, I could probably have led a normal, relatively happy life outside of the coven. But I would never have found my place.

One of my earliest memories is levitating during recess in third grade.

I was playing hide and seek with my best friends – but everyone is your best friend at that age, or so I thought. It was one of those moments...when you're hiding in a dark corner of the playground, breathing hard from the adrenaline coursing through your tiny body at the thought of being found, smelling bark and sweat and salami sandwiches, where time and space doesn't exist. You're so focused on hiding, on making yourself invisible and winning the game, that you forget who and where you are. I forgot. And I paid the price.

When I finally opened my eyes, I wasn't in a dark corner of the playground. I was floating seven feet in the air, and below me were the horrified expressions of my friends and teachers. Frozen in time. That moment is frozen in my memory forever. It was the first time that I realised I wasn't just weird, but special. There were powers inside me that other people, and even myself, didn't understand yet.

My teachers, missing a handbook on protocol for dealing with young witches coming into their powers, did the only thing they knew to do - sent me to the office. The other kids were still shaking like leaves, hiding behind our teachers' legs like toddlers.

My mother picked me up an hour later. I ignored the concerned glares of the office ladies. Mom and I got McDonald's, like we always did when I had a doctor's appointment or a day off. At the time, it felt completely natural. I thought she just 'got it', like floating in mid-air was a regular Tuesday occurrence. In hindsight, I remember her staring at me with a mix of fear and awe through the rear-view mirror. She was shitting herself, and didn't know what to do next.

She sent me back to school the next day, which was the worst possible option.

The other kids had grown braver and meaner overnight. I was their new favourite toy and punching bag. They called me a witch, and I took it as an insult. (If only I knew!) They called me evil, ugly, dirty. They said I'd grow fat moles and that my skin would turn green. They told me to stay away from them. So I did.

Within a month, I didn't have a single friend. They were repulsed and terrified of me, but loved to poke fun from a distance. All I wanted to do was play handball or tag.

"Lyla. Enough is enough." Mom said one night over dinner.

I was playing with the food on my plate, but not with a fork. I made them spin and dance, like a potato and broccoli ballet. My face fell, and so did my dinner, collapsing sadly onto the ceramic. Gravy splattered onto my thumb.

I apologised. I learned to push my powers deep down inside of me. Whenever I felt like they'd spill out, I pinched the skin near my knee. It kept me grounded and in control.

In tenth grade, I pinched myself so hard I bruised. It still wasn't enough.

I'd kept to myself and stayed out of everybody's way, from my mother to my teachers. I was the quiet polite girl who sat in the back of class and got her homework in on time. I minded my own fucking business. That was, until Mrs Brooks called me a freak in front of our entire geography class.

Mrs Brooks ended up with a broken arm and I ended up in the principal's office. I hadn't actually touched her at all, and I guess that was what scared my teachers. I hadn't been called into an office since third grade. Mom was already there, sitting in one of the black fold-out chairs, with her keys in her hand and glassy eyes. She held a few sheets of paper in her hands. Signing me out, surely. We'd be at the drive-thru in twenty minutes.

Mr Petersen, our grey-haired principal with a passion for 'fun' ties, sat beside my mother, with his hands neatly in his lap. He had been whispering softly to Mom, but stopped as soon as I approached. He looked at me with sad, brown eyes.

His tie had dinosaurs on it. It feels stupid that that is the one thing I remember so clearly.

"Hi," I said quietly from the doorway. I scrunched the hem of my tee-shirt up in my hand.

The disappointment was palpable. Mom ignored me completely, like looking up at me would make it all so much worse. She stared at my converse, or the carpet, or the fish tank humming gently by the door. Anything but me. Her leg bounced up and down, like she'd had too many coffees that morning. But it was two in the afternoon and her nerves had nothing to do with caffeine.

Two men in suits approached the office. For a moment the sinking feeling in my stomach froze me in place, blocking the door. Shaking off the feeling, I stepped aside to let the men in. Their suits were far too nice for a small town like ours. I'd assumed they were here for some important government business with the principal.

They smiled softly and shook their heads, almost in sync.

"Mom? What's going on?" I asked. Panic was bubbling in my throat like bile.

The realisation came as one single, simple thought: They're here for me.

Their hands were tight around my upper arms and wrists like shackles. They barely struggled.

"Mom! Mr Petersen! Mr - what's going - where are they taking me? Mom!" I kicked and screamed until my throat was hoarse. After a while, I went numb. Wherever these men were taking me, I was helpless. They were so much bigger, taller, older, scarier, than fifteen-year-old me. A small part of me, deep, deep inside, thought, wherever they're taking me, it has to be better than here.

---

"Happy birthday Lyla!" Zoe yelled, tackling me into a hug in the middle of the kitchen.

"Keep your voice down," I laughed. It was barely seven in the morning.

I loved the way the light streamed in through the kitchen windows here. Making my morning cup of tea was my favourite part of my day. Or at least one of them.

There were a lot of favourite parts now.

"I will not. It's not every day you turn eighteen." She said as she stirred a bowl of pancake batter.

I smiled softly, pouring the milk into my mug. Watching the white-brown patterns swirl, I couldn't help but laugh.

"What?" Zoe smiled.

"I'm just really glad to be here. I didn't think I'd make it to eighteen a few years ago." I surprised myself with my candour so early in the morning.

"Well, I'm very glad to have you here. We all are." Zoe's warmth brightened the entire room. I believed her.

"Morning girls. Happy birthday, Lyla." Cordelia descended the stairs with her usual poise, already dressed and made up. Her smile faded after quick greetings were exchanged.

"I need you to wake the other girls and get dressed. We have visitors coming."

---

A/N: Hey! I've started this fic as I fun exercise to get myself to start writing again. I finally watched season 8 of AHS so now I'm obsessed, and I haven't really written anything substantial in like a year, so I figured I'd use this passion/interest and make something of it!

God, I've missed fanfic writing. (I wrote The 1975 fics on Wattpad when I was like 13/14 and they're pretty tragic but they were so fun...so I'm back!) I just wanted to say that while this is based in America, I'm not super familiar with American schooling systems (and I'm sure there are other things I'll slip up on)...so things might be just slightly out of whack for you guys. I'm Australian, so I'm going to base the ages/grades off our system and assume the system in the US can't be that drastically different (e.g. in grade ten I was fifteen). A lot of this fic won't be based on formal schooling systems anyway but I thought it was worth a mention. Just go with it lmao. Super keen to keep writing! x

Taglist: (tiniest ever, let me know if you want to be added!) 

@angelicmichael @theneverendinghunger​ @outpostmichael​ 

[wishingforatypewriter]

Before the Fall (Chapter 14)

Summary: In which Souma misses a golden opportunity. 

The noon hour Elite Ten meetings were always the worst ones because they coincided with the academy-wide lunch hour. This meant that after hustling from their classes to Totsuki’s Parliament — the Elite Ten’s administrative building — they’d then have to rush back to the academic buildings for afternoon classes.  

It was generally understood that no one got to eat lunch on these days unless they packed something ahead of time. And of course, just as his 10:30 practicum ended for the day, Souma received a one word text message from Nakiri. 

Hungry.

It was 11:46. If he took her up on this — and naturally he would — he’d have only fourteen minutes to cook her something and then haul ass to Parliament. She always did have a habit of asking for the near-impossible. He shook his head at the phone as he typed his reply. 

Don’t complain if I’m late. 

Her response came almost instantly, as though she were waiting for his text. But that would never happen with a girl like Nakiri.

Less complaining, more cooking. I’ll see you in 12 minutes. 

He sighed, taking his uniform jacket back off and glancing around the classroom’s ingredient shelf. Beef shank, noodles, cabbage—easy. 

Nine minutes later, he had two servings of beef yakiudon packed in a to-go container. He had just stepped out into the winter air, calculating how fast he’d have to sprint in order to make it by noon, when a black towncar pulled up in front of the academic building. 

The window rolled down slowly, and Nakiri shot him an impatient look. “Wipe the grin off your face and get in.” 

He slid into the seat next to her without a second thought, but was unable to manage a neutral facial expression. “I thought you were gonna leave me to the wolves.”

“I considered it,” she quipped, crossing her arms. “But if we couldn’t start on time, Alice would just find a way to get everyone off task. Plus it’s freezing out, and you never have the sense to dress properly.”

He smirked at her then. “It’s nice to know you care, Nakiri.” 

“It’s a professional courtesy, and nothing more,” she said. “Now what have you prepared for me today?”

His smirk broadened as he watched her eye the takeout box with interest. “Can’t wait to try it, can you?” 

“Don’t flatter yourself, Yukihira-kun,” she said, though her growling stomach gave her away. She regarded him with a murderous scowl even as her cheeks turned red. 

“Betrayed by her own stomach.” 

“S-shut up! It’s just that I’ve been busy all day and haven’t gotten a chance to eat yet. It has nothing to do with you or your cooking!” 

“Whatever you say, Nakiri,” he told her, leaning back on the leather seats.  

They reached the conference room at 12 on the dot and promptly received death stares from all their lunchless colleagues. 

Unperturbed, Nakiri took her seat at the head of the table, chopsticks in hand. “Let’s begin.” 

The meeting started with a review of the budget allotments for new seminars in the coming fiscal year. Arato and Hayama distributed the budget plans for the eight new seminars they’d approved, and the rest of the council voted in favor of their plan—mostly because no one could be bothered to read the whole document. 

Next they discussed the logistics of upcoming events, including the first year promotion exams in Hokkaido and the alumni banquet. Souma had almost forgotten how much work running the academy could be. 

Towards the end of the meeting, Alice — who was now chair of the campus life committee — made a proposal of her own. 

“So your plan is...a party?” Hayama asked in a skeptical tone after she described it. 

“I’m proposing a semi-formal dance for Valentine’s Day,” she explained. “The Elite Ten will commission the chocolate and candy research societies to produce candy grams that students will use to ask each other to the dance.”

“It seems frivolous,” Arato pointed out. “A cooking event I would understand, but what would be the point of a dance?”

“Excellent question, Hishoko,” Alice said. She turned to the next slide in her presentation. “The event will boost morale on campus before finals start up, and all the proceeds will go to Totsuki’s philanthropic branch. There’s no downside.” 

“This is Japan’s top culinary academy, Alice,” Nakiri said with a dismissive wave. “There’s no time for something like a school dance.” 

“And that’s exactly why the student body needs to cut loose,” the other Nakri heiress said. “No one’s gonna cook their best if they’re all uptight, Erina. It’s bad for creativity. So who’s in favor? Ryo-kun obviously supports me.”

“Sure,” said Kurokiba, who most-likely wasn’t even paying attention. 

“I’ll support it,” Takumi added. “I haven’t been to a semi-formal since I left Italy.” 

“Um...” Megumi began. “I really like the idea of all the proceeds going to charity, so I’m in favor as well.”

And once Tadokoro was on board no one really had the heart to oppose the event anymore. 

“So it’s settled,” Alice said with a broad smile once the vote was won. “Totsuki Academy is going to hold its first ever Valentine’s Day dance!” 

---

A week later, Souma walked into the copy room in Parliament, holding a flyer for the dance and a prototype of the candy gram. It was a small, heart shaped box of chocolates with a card attached to it. Sakaki and Yoshino had gone crazy over the design when he showed it to them earlier. 

“Hey Nakiri, can I ask you something?” he asked once he saw her scanning a document. 

“If you must.” She turned around with her usual pre-annoyed expression, and then flushed suddenly. “Wait, you mean here?” Nakiri cast a meaningful glance at Takumi, who had just come in to print something. 

“Yeah, why not? It’s not like it’s a secret.”

If it were possible, the flush on her cheeks deepened, and she started fidgeting with the hem of her skirt. “W-well, if that’s how you feel about it, Yukihira-kun, I suppose I can’t really object, so...” 

“Great!” Souma held out the candy gram to her and she took it tentatively, her fingers brushing against his as she did. She gave one of those fleeting Nakiri smiles and it unwound all of his thoughts the way they always did. Why was he even there again?

“Get on with it, will you?” she asked with a giggle. 

“Right.” Souma ran a hand through his hair, embarrassed to have been caught staring. “So what do you think of the design?” 

Her expression darkened then. “I’m sorry, what?” 

“You know, for the fundraiser and stuff. The president of the Chocolate RS wanted to run it by the Elite Ten before we start selling them. So do you like it?”

“Oh...it’s fine, I guess,” she said with a sigh. Then Nakiri sidestepped him and walked right out of the room. 

Souma watched her go, perplexed. What was that all about? 

“That was painful,” Takumi said to him after a moment. 

“What? You think she really didn’t like it?” 

“It’s not a matter of the design, Yukihira!” the blond shouted. Souma had almost forgotten how intense that guy could be. “That wasn’t the question she was expecting just now.” 

“But how would she know what I was going to ask?” 

With a beleaguered sigh, Takumi pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes for a moment. “Repeat after me. Ask.”

“Ask.”

“Her.��

“Her.”

“To the dance.” 

Souma pondered this for a moment before responding. “What’s the point of asking one person if we’re all gonna end up hanging out, anyway? It makes more sense for everyone to go as one big group.” 

“Yes, but you should still ask her specifically to express that you’re interested.”

“Who said I was—”

“Oh please. You’re only slightly less obsessed with her and her god tongue than you are with cooking itself, and it’s about as subtle as a herd of elephants.” 

“You know elephants can actually be pretty—”

“Off topic! The point is, you need to ask her out and soon, or lose your honor as a chef and as a man!” 

After this grand proclamation, Souma looked at his friend curiously. “So who are you asking, Takumi?” 

And with that, he sent his second blond of the day storming out of the copy room. 

[osakaso5]

Spirit Kaleidoscope: Empty Absolution

Chapter 14 - The Owner of the Kaleidoscope

Chapter Index

Forest Plaza - Katanashu Camp

Uta: I'm so mad! I can't believe I lost!

Momiji: ...Uta. Are you sure you shouldn't rest some more?

Uta: ...I'm fine. My body doesn't feel numb anymore. I wasn't expecting him to scatter poison petals everywhere...

Aoi: I hear poison attacks are Kyubi-no-Kitsune's specialty. I wish I could've seen your match.

Uta: Huh!? You should've told me so earlier!

Aoi: Why must I go out of my way to tell you anything?

Madoka: You have no team spirit. One for all and all for one, right?

Aoi: Are you sure you're the one who should be saying that?

Uta: Sigh. I didn't even know he was so sensitive about his tails. Owner was smiling, but he was seething on the inside... But he still didn't even break a sweat.

Uta: Damn... I'm so pissed! I bet he was going easy on me, too.

Madoka: It was beautiful to watch, with all those flower petals flying around. The fact that they were poisonous creeps me out, though...

Uta: Even the way he fights is all showy. Maybe I should've asked him to replace the petals with red pickled ginger, after all.

Madoka: ...Wouldn't that have been even more of a spectacle?

Aoi: In any case, we have one victory and one loss. We're not exactly in the lead.

Uta: Ugh... Aoi, you're so mean...

Hanabusa: That's enough worrying over a battle that's ended. I already knew Kyubi-no-Kitsune was going to be a tough opponent.

Hanabusa: This isn't the most favorable outcome, but I did see it coming. However...

Momiji: The battles themselves are a problem. A yokai may look just like us at a glance, but their fighting style is much trickier.

Momiji: We don't know how strong they can be, and it's probably best not to assume we can take them head on with just a sword.

Hanabusa: Our next opponent is Onibi. This is a match our future hinges on. ...Aoi.

Aoi: .....!

Hanabusa: I told you that I would observe the matches, but I'm going to fight in the fourth one. You're probably best suited to go against Onibi.

Hanabusa: Extinguishing spirit flames is your specialty. Make sure to win.

Aoi: ...Don't worry, sir. Kyubi-no-Kitsune may have been a formidable yokai, but Onibi is relatively low class...

Onibi: That's mean! Are you talking smack about me!?

Aoi: .....! Where did he come from!?

Onibi: I'm pretty strong, y'know? After all, I'm a superstar in the human world, and I've even been on TV!

Uta: ...I've heard that a million times. I bet your TV appearance was just some summer ghost story special, anyway.

Onibi: Ehehe. They filmed me!

Momiji: ...Onibi. Why are you in the katanashu camp?

Onibi: Hehe. I'm scouting! Mizuchi said I shouldn't underestimate my opponents, even if they're humans.

Onibi: ...I wish I could've come with Kamaitachi, but he ran off somewhere... I'm bored all by myself...

Aoi: ...Sigh. You're so careless you outright tell us you're spying. Hurry up and go back to your own camp.

Onibi: No!  

Aoi: ...Stop pouting! If all else fails, I'll drive you away with holy water... What!?

Aoi: This isn't my pipe..? It's...

Momiji: ...The kaleidoscope... Why is it here..?

Phantom Grotto

Shisei: ...This is the kaleidoscope you spoke of..? It looks more like a bamboo pipe.

Azuma: ...Because that's exactly what it is. Hmm...

Sana: Huh!? W-what!? The kaleidoscope was supposed to be in there! Why is there a pipe now..?

Sana: ...... Come to think of it, I bumped into that katanashu earlier...

Azuma: You said you dropped the kaleidoscope back then. Don't tell me...

Sana: What do we do..? It got swapped with that katanashu's bundle..!

Sana: Please forgive me! I wrapped it so it couldn't be recognized as a kaleidoscope, so both of the bundles looked similar...

Azuma: ...Goodness gracious...

Shisei: ...... You... Really went through all this trouble...

Azuma: Oh, well. No use crying over spilt milk. All we need to do is snatch that kaleidoscope back.

Sana: Azuma-san...

Azuma: In any case... We had rotten luck for both of the bundles to look so similar. Is that pipe full of drinking water or something?

Sana: Now that you mention it... It does seem like there is water inside. Let's open it... Ow!?

Shisei: .......!

Sana: What is this..!? My finger is turning red, even though I only got a drop of it on me...

Azuma: ...Sana! Don't touch it! It must be from some kind of shrine. Unclean water.

Sana: Unclean water!? Why would they have that..? What do I do with this..!?

Azuma: Ah! No, no! Don't throw it into the springs! They'll become unclean, too!

Sana: Wawawah...!

Shisei: .......

Azuma: In any case, let's return to Hikagemachi. The tournament shouldn't be over yet. We can still take the kaleidoscope back.

Azuma: Hokuto's plan for us to sneak in under the guise of betting will finally be of use to us.

Sana: Right... We should hurry..!

Shisei: ...You're planning to steal the kaleidoscope again? This time, from the katanashu?

Sana: Yes! We may not get another chance. Just wait a bit longer, Shisei-san!

Shisei: I'm coming, too.

Azuma: Yep. You just sit tight. This time, we'll get the kaleidoscope for certain... Wait, what!?

Sana: ...You're coming... Are you serious, Shisei-san!?

Shisei: Yes... I thought I'd never leave this place again...

Shisei: That I wasn't permitted to leave... Unless I was forgiven...

Sana: What do you mean..? ....!

Azuma: ....... Shisei... You...

Sana: ...Why are you crying..?

Shisei: Crying..? I am..?

Shisei: ...Ah, it's true. My cheeks feel wet...

Sana: ........ Shisei-san...

Shisei: Fufu... I'm fine, Sana. No need for you to look sad, too.

Shisei: ...Thank you. If not for you... I couldn't have summoned the courage to leave...

Shisei: Azuma, Sana. Please. Take me to the kaleidoscope.

Forest Plaza - Yokai Camp

Mizuchi: ...Ungaikyo! Thank goodness, you're back. I was worried because you vanished so suddenly.

Karasutengu: Right. This really is a good thing. Now I won't have to blow you away.

Mizuchi: Now, now. There's no point in blowing him away when he just returned.

Ungaikyo: ....... My kaleidoscope got stolen.

Karasutengu & Mizuchi: ......!

Ungaikyo: I want you to look for it. You can do that, right Karasutengu?

Karasutengu: ....... Hmm?

Karasutengu: You run from the tournament, but come begging for my help when you're in trouble? How selfish.

Ungaikyo: ...I never said I'd participate in this thing. You decided that without asking me.

Karasutengu: Oh? Well, aren't you arrogant. I enlisted you in this tournament out of the kindness of my heart.

Karasutengu: Believe it or not, but I'm actually favoring you quite a bit, since you're a potential helper with my informant's duties.

Ungaikyo: ...I don't need you. And I'm not gonna be your helper.

Karasutengu: But your mirror is so useful.

Mizuchi: ...Ungaikyo. Is it true that someone stole your kaleidoscope?

Ungaikyo: ...Yep. Some weird dudes bumped into me in the woods...

Mizuchi: I see... So they really did make a move...

Ungaikyo: Do you know something, Mizuchi!?

Mizuchi: Yes. I have an idea of who might've taken your kaleidoscope.

Ungaikyo: ...Who!?

Mizuchi: The truth is...

Karasutengu: ...Hold up. You're not going to hear the rest unless you agree to participate in the tournament.

Ungaikyo: ...Huh!? Why would you say that!? I'm talking to Mizuchi over here!

Karasutengu: I can't let you receive our information without compensation, can I? ...Though I suppose this is a special occasion.

Karasutengu: Like I told you before, you'll be able to fight that human if you participate. I was just trying to be nice when I volunteered you.

Karasutengu: You're interested in that human, aren't you?

Ungaikyo: ...I dunno what you're talking about.

Karasutengu: Stop playing dumb. I know you've been watching him through your mirror.

Ungaikyo: .....! You used your clairvoyancy..!

Kyubi-no-Kitsune: Ahaha! Ungaikyo's fancy little mirror has been ruined. You got a taste of your own medicine.

Kyubi-no-Kitsune: Karasutengu should do it more often. Serves you right.

Ungaikyo: ...What..? You always say stuff like that to me...

Karasutengu: ...If you really don't know, then why do you fixate on that human so much?

Ungaikyo: ....... I just...

Kyubi-no-Kitsune: You're so afraid of him that you can't help yourself?

Ungaikyo: .......

Kyubi-no-Kitsune: He scares you to death, but you can't look away. You're unconsciously becoming obsessed with him...

Kyubi-no-Kitsune: And the more you peek into his life, the more afraid you become... Fufu. I love to see you in such an uncouth and pathetic state.

Karasutengu: ...I just don't understand. We've known you for a long time, and I'd like to think we understand your circumstances. So why do you keep holding yourself back like this?

Kyubi-no-Kitsune: Exactly. ...Maybe he’s just beyond help.

Ungaikyo: ...Shut up.

Mizuchi: That's enough, both of you. Let's all just mind our own business.

Kyubi-no-Kitsune: Hmph. You're such a softie, Mizuchi.

Karasutengu: That being said, it's irritating to watch. I want to blow this all way, and clear my mind!

Karasutengu: Listen up, Ungaikyo! You're going to fight that katanashu human, and you're going to defeat him!

Ungaikyo: .....!

Karasutengu: When you do, it'll all be over! Your troubles will disappear. You won't have to fear that human or any of the katanashu ever again!

Karasutengu: You might even get your precious kaleidoscope back. Well? Doesn't that sound nice?

Mizuchi: I'm not sure if it'll be that simple...

Ungaikyo: ....... If I participate, you won't stop Mizuchi from telling me about the kaleidoscope?

Karasutengu: No. I can even use my clairvoyance to help.

Ungaikyo: ...Fine. I'll do it. I'll fight in the tournament.

Karasutengu: Oh, great. That's the spirit!

Mizuchi: You hated this tournament enough to run away... Is the kaleidoscope that dear to you?

Ungaikyo: ...As if. I always wanted it to disappear.

Ungaikyo: But... I hate letting someone else take it out of my sight...

Forest Plaza - Katanashu Camp

Momiji: ...This is...

Onibi: It's the kaleidoscope Ungaikyo's always staring into! Why does Aoi have it?

Aoi: ...That's what I'd like to know. Why is it here, instead of my holy water..? ...Momiji?

Momiji: .......

Uta: Huh? What's going on, Momiji? You're kinda gripping that thing with a scary look on your face.

Momiji: ...Why? My heart won't stop hammering in my chest. It's beating so fast it almost hurts. Every time I look at this kaleidoscope...

Momiji: The same thing happened at the maple tree. I couldn't help but fixate on it. And now that I'm actually holding it, that feeling's even stronger...

Momiji: If I were to look into this kaleidoscope...

Momiji: ...Ungaikyo...

Onibi: Huh?

Momiji: ...That's Ungaikyo... He's reflected in the kaleidoscope...

- - - -

Fuuka: Pretty...

- - - -

Momiji: .....!

Madoka: Momiji? Heeey. ...You gonna stop looking into that thing anytime soon?

Uta: What a weirdo. Is the pattern that pretty?

Onibi: Is it!? I wanna look, too.

Aoi: ...Hey, Momiji. How long are you going to stare into that thing? Cut it out, already...

Momiji: ....... I remember...

Aoi: ...Huh? Remember what?

Momiji: This kaleidoscope...

Momiji: It used to belong to me.

To be continued...

[thbn-anything]

What other way is better than to begin this blog with a kdrama tag?

1. Favourite drama of all the time?

GOBLINNNN

2. Top 5 actors?

Park Seo Joon, Ji Chang Wook, Park Hyung Sik, Seo Kang Joon, Nam Joo Hyuk

3. Top 5 actresses?

Kim Ji Won, Kim Go Eun, Song Ji Hyo, Lee Sung Kyung, Son Ye Jin

4. Favourite idol actor?

Park Hyung Sikk

5. Favourite idol actress?

IUU

6. Favourite genre of dramas?

Rom-coms!

7. Do you watch other dramas beside korean dramas?

Nope, although I’m trying to consider watching chinese dramas

8. Favourite OST of all the time?

There are soo manyyy, but rn I’d probably have to choose ‘I will go to you like the first snow’ by Ailee

9. Drama with the best ost?

Definitely Crash Landing On You, followed by Goblin, Hotel Del Luna, Descendants of The Sun, and Hwarang

10. Top 5 OSTs?

I will go to you like the first snow (Ailee), All about you (Taeyeon), Here I am again (Yerin Baek), First love (Sondia), Once again (Mad Clown)

11. Top 5 OST singers?

IU, Taeyeon, Yoon Mirae, Yerin Baek, Davichi

12. Favourite villain in dramas?

Oof, tbh I’ve never really paid much attention to the villains but if I hv to pick one it’s probably Han Sang Hoon from W (yes I had to search his name bcs I’m really bad at remembering characters’ names)

13. Top 5 OTPs?

Ri Jeong Hyeok-Yoon Se Ri (Crash Landing On You), Ko Dong Man-Choi Ae Ra (Fight For My Way), Kim Bok Joo-Jung Joon Hyung (Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo), Do Bong Soon-Ahn Min Hyuk (Strong Woman Do Bong Soon), Oh Jin Shin-Kwon Jung Rok (Touch Your Heart) (for that last one Wang Yeo and Kim Sun ship also works teehee)

14. Favourite celebrity couple of real life?

Well they’re not together anymore but Lee Sung Kyung & Nam Joo Hyuk ((:

15. Which actor or actress you want as your bestfriend,older sister,older brother,boyfriend /girlfriend?

Oooo it’ll be nice to be friends with them all but for my best friend, prolly Kim Go Eun. I want Kim Ji Won as my noona and Ji Chang Wook as my oppa (I heard he has great manners :D). And maybe I’m the only one but I would feel extremely uncomfortable to date my bias so I’mma hv to skip that last one lol

16. Who is your favourite kdrama male character?

Again, I never really think about these but the one and only dokkaebi will get points for how hilarious his character is as a whole

17. Who is your favourite kdrama female character?

Literally just finished watching Revolutionary Love, and Byun Hyuk is not the only one that fell in love with Baek Joon’s strong personality. Totally love this girl!!!

18. What is your least favourite drama?

There were several kdramas that I discontinued because I was bored and just sorta disliked it (like it’s not my type). Most of these are action-genred dramas and the ones that are political and pretty heavy (like I didn’t finish vagabond and k2 although they are actually really good ones, I just don’t really like the genres that’s all), but out of all of these I’d probably hv to choose Abyss (stopped watching it after only 2 episodes) or Cheese In The Trap (THE ENDING OMGG I WANNA CRY 😭😭 CITT IS LITERALLY MY FAV WEBTOON AND THE DRAMA’S ENDING RUINED THE WHOLE THING)

19. How were you introduced to kdrama?

Well I’ve known kdramas ever since I was little (I used to join my cousins sometimes while they were watching them) but as a summary, I liked dramas because of webtoon (like drama genre yk) and at that time my cousins and one of my aunt who were at my house at the time were binge-watching CLOY so I sorta joined and watched like half of it, and when it was done there were other kdrama reccs there (we were watching it on netflix) and one of them was WWWSK and I was sorta interested and curious so I decided to watch it with my aunt. Ever since then I’ve been obsessed with kdramas that I binge-watch them everyday lol

20. What was your first drama?

Technically the first drama I’ve finished was What’s Wrong With Secretary Kim (step one on being a PSJ fan woohoooo), but back then when I was little I sometimes joined my cousins when they were watching The Heirs and My Love From The Star

21. Who is your least favourite drama character?

Ooh, the Jang family from Itaewon Class got me on my nerves but both psychopaths from Strong Woman Do Bong Soon and Suspicious Partner are definitely really annoying like why would u kill people for no reason you 미친 사이코 또라이

22. Who is your least favourite actor or actress?

I don’t have a least fave bcs personally I think all of these actors and actresses are talented so like 🤷🏻‍♀️

23. Which actor or actress you want to marry?

As I said before, I would feel extremely uncomfortable if I’m dating my bias, so don’t even think about how I would feel if I married them

24. Is there a drama you wished that drama is your real life?

Wow okay but like EXO Next Door would be incredible lmfaooo (although I’m not rlly a fan of kpop but imagine being friends with all of the members of a popular kpop group like wow)

25. Which drama character you wished to have as your real life girlfriend or boyfriend?

Omg just a clueless romantic like Haru would be adorableee, or someone who is crazy over their gf like Ahn Min Hyuk would be amazhangg

26. Is there a drama character you wished that is you?

Wow I mean like being Do Bong Soon is great bcs 1. You hv superpowers and that’s already amazing on its own but then 2. Legit two handsome guys like you and just AAAA (also 3. She doesn’t hv any past traumas or somn and her relationship with everyone is alright)

27. Do you like noona romances?

Wow tbh nope, I never really liked noona romances, I mean like I’m already sorta uncomfortable when the lead man is older than the lead woman by like a decade or somn (like goblin omg), so like imagine if the woman is now older than the man by a decade (I mean like tbh I don’t rlly like it whenever the girl is older than the guys but eh whatevs)

28. What is your favourite sismance and bromance?

Bromance: KIM. SHIN. WANG. YEO. BEST BROMANCE DRAMA. ENOUGH SAID. EVERYONE CAN AGREEEE

Sismance: Fight For My Way’s Choi Ae Ra and Baek Seol Hee, I mean like,, friendship goals. Periodt.

29. Do you get second lead syndrome for both actors and actresses both?

Yesss, but I tend not to ship them and get too attached to them too much bcs ik they would never be endgame so like T.T

30. In which drama you had the worst second lead syndrome?

LITERALLY WATCHING IT RN AND I FEEL SO BAD FOR KIM SHIN HYUK OMGG 😭😭 (oh and also CITT’s Baek In Ho, like I didn’t ship them at all in the webtoon but their chemistry in the drama is urghhh I feel so bad for my babyy 😭 that’s also how I became a Seo Kang Joon fan YASSS)

31. What is your favourite drama in this year?

Well if you’re talking about drama that I watched this year, it’ll be too many as I’ve only just started watching kdramas literally March this year, so I’ll only perceive this as my favorite drama that was released in 2020, which is Backstreet Rookie although a lot of ppl actually hated it. Personally I disagree with those points too (adult webtoon, prostitution, underaged kissing, etc) but I really like how it’s such a funny comical drama, like those types of dramas are my favorite

32. Can you understand korean without subtitles?

Definitely not but that is indeed my goal yeeyee

33. What is your message to your favourite actor and actress?

You guys are amazing and all of us in the kdrama community will always support all of you, so HWAITING!! 💜