#i'd rather self loathe FOREVER!!!!!

[kijosakka]

After leaving Bridgette, stuck to a frozen pole... How Alejandro would react to Assistant Noah saying that he knows what Alejandro is doing, but Noah honestly doesn't care?... What if Noah only cares about how Alejandro unfairly treats Owen?

ASSISTANT NOAH: "None of the people on this show are exactly innocent angels either, so if the guys are dumb enough to fall for your charming tricks and the girls let themselves be swooned by you despite having boyfriends, then they deserve to lose." 🙄

i do think this instance would have add some in the way of later plot, what with london and the eel comment -- as established up until around germany, assistant noah has a neutral-positive view of alejandro:

(though ngl just considering his general mannerisms i am leaning more towards neutral -- character arcs and whatnot, neutral > negative > positive, so his ribbing comes off as uninterested as he is, more like general commentary on what's happening)

anyway its post-egypt and not much further and i don't think alejandro would expect, at this point, to react any different -- assuming that he would assume noah was coming up to rib him about the challenge again.

on noahs end, there is no real distaste for alejandro (....yet), emphasized by his seemingly unimpressed that no one catches onto alejandros scheming -- implying that noah sees it as something obvious.

^ tinged by bias by virtue of being on the crew and seeing behind-the-scenes clips and footage or not, to be so blatant about 'if they don't know, they deserve it' does mean that noah believes it to be something people should be catching onto (also worth mentioning that through him specifically telling owen, he offers more leeway for him in the face of this; favoritism.)

anyway, recap (for myself, mostly): alejandro's perception of noah up until this point is basically 'guy on the crew who ribbed me once' and didn't gloat about any of his strategies to avoid having a paper trail of his manipulation.

ergo -- this alters alejandro's pespective of noah drastically. because, again, noah is part of the crew and therefore not a threat to his game (and in fact could only really be an asset through this to alejandro), so for him to also be so outwardly comfortable with alejandro's manipulation signifies him as a kind of confidant role; someone alejandro can gloat to in small moments as long as he's careful about who's listening, because noah doesn't care.

as for how that changes london -- well, previously, noah would only take up that kind of confidant role post-london, once the cards were out on the table and alejandro goes with his flirting deflection thing. now though i do think it adds if he takes up the role earlier:

because, well. conflict. in alejandro's eyes, noah is taking on, again, that confidant role that he himself grows quite comfortable in, seeking reprieves from the competition that don't damage his game like how heather does suddenly insulting him behind his back and becoming very outwardly vitriolic and distasteful.

however in noahs eyes, alejandro is two-timing -- he'd probably assume that alejandro is aware (probably assuming he's watched previous seasons) that him and owen are friends, and thus assume he's trying to have his cake and eat it too, through being friendly with noah but being so vocal about his dislike of owen. they're a Package Deal, doesn't he know that?

anyway my point here is that it opens up a lot of opportunity for alejandro to be hurt/confused and retaliate in whatever ways, and for noah to assume he's just doubling-down and thus have it sour his opinion more. misunderstand is what i'm saying here.

.........or comedy of errors. both. both are good.

[letteredlettered]

Lest you think I only have good things to say about TGCF forever--well, that's ultimately true but I'm also ultimately annoyed about the treatment of Hua Cheng as a character.

Listen. Wanting to put your god on a pedestal and lick the floor for him/die for him/efface your entire self for him AND fuck him through the floor/violate every part of his body until he begs for mercy/tease him and embarrass him so much he can't stand his own skin AND live as BFF husbands on somewhat even footing are three very different things.

I want to see how Hua Cheng reconciles being quite honestly ready to murder the first person in sight because Xie Lian had some slight question about his devotion to his god's cause, with purposely embarrassing him and teasing him and calling him gege. But we don't really get anything about his private thoughts? He is never presented as having inner conflicts, other than regret that Xie Lian has suffered pain?

Like, there is a suggestion that he knows his obsession with Xie Lian and the ways in which he is obsessed could be seen as creepy and freakish, but it gets washed away when Xie Lian says it doesn't bother him and still wants to kiss him. There are several demonstrations of his self-loathing, and yet it doesn't get aired like everyone else's dirty laundry does.

And then there's the part where you find out that Hua Cheng has sacrificed a part of his body rather than any part of a group of humans who were doomed to die anyway. And you know that this is a huge deal for him, because the whole reason he was with those humans at Mt Tonglu was so that he could be strong enough to come back to Xie Lian and protect him. Except we also know that again, Hua Cheng had no compunction about helping Xie Lian commit genocide and regocide and countless murders; like he had no interest or respect for human life at all when it came to doing whatever Xie Lian bid him to do. So it's in fact a huge fucking deal that in the end, Hua Cheng would rather hurt himself than anybody else, except that is not really explored in the novel.

I mean, you can say that the only reason Hua Cheng-as-Wuming didn't care about murders was that Xie Lian wanted the murders, which made the murders all justified in Wuming's mind, and, that since Xie Lian wasn't there at Mt Tonglu, Hua Cheng just had to go with his own instincts instead of Xie Lian wanting murders, so in the end Hua Cheng's own instinct was self-sacrifice. You could also say, I guess, that Hua Cheng hated his eye anyway so it's not the same sort of sacrifice it would have been had it been another body part.

But even if that's the case, I'd want it to be explored. Like, isn't it likely that Hua Cheng chose self-sacrifice because he knew Xie Lian would choose self-sacrifice, because he knew that a Xie Lian not driven mad with grief and pain would not want to harm others to further his own cause? At the same time, Hua Cheng is not shown to make choices that will align with Xie Lian's values at other parts in the book. In fact, Hua Cheng consciously and purposely makes choices that he thinks could or even would disgust Xie Lian, because it's more important to Hua Cheng to make those choices if they protect and preserve Xie Lian than it is for Hua Cheng to make choices that would make Xie Lian look at him fondly or proudly. So, it's such a big deal that deep down, Hua Cheng does want to care about and protect others, even people who aren't Xie Lian, but it's just mentioned in passing at almost the very end and never explored.

And then these 800 years, what was Hua Cheng even doing? I mean, I get it, it takes a lot of time to carve ten thousand statues, especially the ones where you need to get his cock just right for....reasons, but I thought we were going to get some kind of explanation of what he did during this time. Why did he decide to finally approach Xie Lian when he did? Like, I think the conversation between Xie Lian and Hua Cheng-as-the-little-ghost-fire is supposed to explain part of why Hua Cheng stayed away for so long--XL says "if your beloved knows you couldn't find peace just because you wanted to protect them, wouldn't they feel guilty?" And the ghost says that then he would just protect his beloved from afar.

But was Hua Cheng protecting Xie Lian? Because it seems like Xie Lian getting trampled to death (as "General" Hua) and then getting killed and buried in a coffin (as State Preceptor Fengxin) is not very protective? Like, Hua Cheng did a bad job there.

It seems like the fics I'm reading are going with the idea that Hua Cheng couldn't find Xie Lian. Hua Cheng does say he did search for Xie Lian and couldn't find him, but we know this is a bald-faced lie. Hua Cheng says this when Xie Lian asks him if Hua Cheng ever saw him outside of Xianle, because Xie Lian has become concerned that Hua Cheng saw his downfall after his banishment and his descent into genocidal madness before his second ascension. But we know that Hua Cheng did see that, which means Hua Cheng is very much lying about not being able to find Xie Lian after the fall of Xianle.

But sure, you can posit that after Hua Cheng-as-Wuming almost disperses all the way and then comes back, he can't find Xie Lian again. I think you can also assume that Wuming's dispersal is more total and complete than Hua Cheng's dispersal after he breaks Xie Lian's shackles, so I think you can easily posit that it takes Hua Cheng at least a century to return as a complete person after Xie Lian's second ascension/banishment. And I can imagine that even after fully returning amassing wealth and power takes time, but here's where I get stumped--Hua Cheng is does not read as someone who would sit around and wait to have enough wealth and power to protet Xie Lian before trying to protect Xie Lian. I imagine that the first thing he does as soon as he can like, move independently in the world is look for him, even if only to help him from afar. And yet, as previously stated...Xie Lian really didn't seem like he got much help in those 800 years.

Perhaps we can assume that once Xie Lian ascends (why does he ascend the third time? Never addressed? Also annoyed about this) Black Water/Earth Master/He Xuan now can report on Xie Lian's exact whereabouts, but there's still no good explanation for why super over-powered Hua Cheng would not be able to find Xie Lian for 800 years. I mean, it's not exactly a needle in a haystack here. Xie Lian is a singular person. Just follow disaster, honestly. I guess Hua Cheng didn't know about the shackle on Xie Lian's luck, but he has figured out a lot of Xie Lian's past, right? I don't understand why he hasn't figured that out.

(And another thing--does Hua Cheng even know why Xie Lian got banished the second time? Does he even know that Xie Lian asked for the shackles? Doesn't he want to know everything he possibly can about Xie Lian? If he's unwilling to ask, I'd understand, but again--everyone else's dirty laundry gets out there, but here there's this thing that is so central to Hua Cheng's and Xie Lian's relationship, unexplored.)

My problem isn't that Hua Cheng lives and exists for Xie Lian. That's who he is, and I think I wouldn't like or love him as a character if I thought he needed to have more in his life than his single-minded devotion. But single-minded devotion can contain a lot more dimension and conflict than I think ultimately got explored, and there are and some super salient events in his life that are really defining moments. It makes him feel a lot more one-dimensional than I feel like the character is set up to be.

The fic so far honestly gives him a more interesting treatment, imo. He's a lot more tortured about whether to fuck or worship and how to do both, which I guess I'm ultimately saying is what I really want from that character. I find him deeply lovable, interesting, and fascinating, I just didn't think the book really spent time with the most interesting parts of him.

[adamworu]

Have you seen Codex Entry's video titled "The End of Evangelion Is (Not) A Happy Ending - An Analysis & Critique"? She makes a lot of interesting points in that.

First things first, it keeps hitting me how numerous the death threats were that GAINAX got. The contempt of man, followed by a disgusting lack of consequence has always been a central theme in Evangelion. Seeing just how painful the imitation of art to life is feels like opening old wounds. They were instrumental in EoE's conception among other things (Anno putting his feelings into film being another). The quick flashes of ire in written form really helps give EoE that unshakable bitter, pessimistic feel.

(warning for strong personal talks of suicide under the cut)

Anno's mental health worsened at the main series' end. People weren't satisfied with how it ended. They drove him to the point of contemplating suicide. If Anno's reflection of himself manifest through some of the characters, this makes Shinji's state before the infamous sequence even more haunting.

The interviewer asked 'What stopped you?' to which Anno replies 'The prospect of pain. I didn't mind dying I didn't want it to hurt.'

I didn't want it to hurt.

As someone with fluctuating highs and lows of mental health, this struck me more than I'd like to admit. During my periods of contemplating ending it all, one of my greatest fears was the pain. That death isn't the peaceful embrace from it all. That your lasting regrets die with you as your loved ones would eventually find you and become horrified at the fleshy shell that once had a name. You hear their faint screams, your strength is all but gone, and that flickering light within you is snuffed forever.

'Faced with the reality, I stopped.'

I think there's something even more painful about the end. There is no pain, but was lies on the other side...if anything?

EoE asks what if self-loathing becomes our being? Who you are affects your very being. And Shinji's self-hatred seeps into the cast, then the whole world. Considering Shinji's status as an audience surrogate, this sort of thing is very much aimed at the audience, especially those targeting Anno and GAINAX.

I personally don't think, however that EoE is an inverse to EoTV (series end). I do agree with her (Codex Entry), however that EoE is the horrifying reality of if the wrong person turns their back on humanity. EoE is more the explicit version on how humanity came to be in Instrumentality. I still wouldn't call it pessimistic even after all these years. EoTV sees the characters with more self-fulfilled arcs in the very end. There's a sense of catharsis from cast and viewer alike from having climbed a mountain of epiphany and acceptance. EoTV feels more convenient, albeit not unnaturally so.

EoE is more explicit with Shinji's flaws. They stare him in the face with no hesitation. These fears are far uglier and portray him less favorably. Less sympathetically. He views the girls and women around him as how they'd be of benefit. His ire isn't just about the realization that they're people with feelings and complexities deserving of empathy. It's also that those girls and women can as well as do hold the right to exist without him. He sentences the whole world to metaphorical death by way of relinquishment of the AT Field due to his own insecurities. His locus of control is viewed externally. His deterministic point of view harms everyone around him. The train scene is shown here and it parallels his talk with Leliel in episode 16. He blames his reality rather than hold himself accountable.

This is the importance of 'What is your hand for?' It's a gentle nudge into the prospect of free will. It's not just a doctrine of freedom, but one that argues that you are culpable.

My one and only pet peeve with the essay is the confusion of happiness and positivity multiple times throughout. EoE isn't happy, but it is positive. If we were to look at EoE as its own universe rather than a metatext, it is intensely depressing. It tells you that with your hands you can better the world around you. With the fact that it's self-aware considered, it acts as a cautionary tale, that intense self-loathing and disdain serves not just to poison you, but others. We don't all have the ability to damn the human race to metaphorical death until to bring them back because we don't exist. Shinji is understood in Codex' video to be an audience surrogate to great detail. EoE is the existence that did not want to be. Rather than being nihilistic and ireful, it grabs the audience with trembling fingers, saying 'For the love of God, be empathetic. It won't kill you! You are ruining everyone around you with your contempt for outside agency and your arrogance. Please...!'

End of Evangelion is Nyquil. It tastes strong and it tastes bad. Everyone needs bad tasting medicine if they want to get well. So drink the damn medicine.

[itsbenedict]

curious: why are you in the 95th percentile of equius likers? is it just because he's blue?

god, how long ago did i say that? digging through my homestuck tag, there?

but it's still true- and while Blue Good is a component of it, it's more that i used to find him really relatable. see- i used to be a fundamentalist christian, when i first got into Homestuck, and there was something that really resonated with me about... a socially awkward character who was alienated from the people who were nominally his friends because he held a (historically common-to-universal) set of arbitrary and cruel beliefs, which have in the modern day (and particularly among his peers) come to be considered ignorance and bigotry. having a strong philosophical commitment to those beliefs, but coming to doubt them as the cracks in them became more obvious over time, and having that contradiction lead to despair and self-loathing and ultimately self-destructive behavior?

it, uh, Hit Different, as the kids might say!

in particular, this PhemieC fansong, uh, really got to me.

And if none of this means anything, then what's my anger for? I'd rather be most anything- the dirt under your heel, my king A peasant or a pauper, or a knight in shining armor What's required of your noble steed? Through your direction I am freed And nay, I say! I won't stand in the way of what you have decreed, for— Nothing is what I deserve Nothing is what I have earned If nothing is what you have chosen to give me Then nothing is for what I yearn Nothing lasts forever, nothing really matters Nothing never breaks, busts, bends, rusts, upends or shatters

that song except sung to an absent God who hates you? a god identified with the noun "Nothing"? it, uh. takes on some layers!

Break this wild horse- I will not fight, 'cause of course I would win (Of course I would win) And I'd much rather give in and bear it all 'till I inherit nothing

ha ha! uh-oh!

so apart from listening to that song a bunch and projecting a ton of personal meaning onto it during the most emotional turbulent years of my life... he is Very fucking funny:

so that's equius. a real freak! he's just like me fr. i wish he'd gotten to be in the story more.

[yeonban]

*On Dan Heng's bond with Himeko & Welt.

One thing I have to say about this topic is that Dan Heng GENUINELY views Himeko and Welt as parental figures, even though he doesn't mention this to anyone (not even to them). He might not know what having parents is actually like since the vidyadhara are self-sustaining beings, but he's learned how a mother and a father should be and how they should make their child feel (safe, understood etc) over time as he's witnessed parents and children interacting on various planets, and to him? these two come closest to the meaning of "parents".

They've lent him a helping hand by asking him to join the Express when he was at his lowest point (alone in the universe, hunted by Blade, loathed by the Xianzhou, formerly kidnapped, nearly died several times, so on so forth) and they gave him the choice to disembark it whenever he wants to instead of tricking or "caging" him into staying there forever; they're actively trying to protect him from anyone with even remotely hostile intentions towards him even though they don't have to (HE's their appointed guard, so they're not bound by anything to protect him other than the kindness of their hearts and their affection for him - which is something Dan Heng is beyond grateful for) and they've given + continue to give him understanding no matter what he does or says, plus they've never once scolded or berated him for any of his decisions (a thing he was familiar with on the Xianzhou, both as himself and in Dan Feng's memories).

Out of the two I'd say Dan Heng is closer to Welt since they both have very logical personalities that try to think ahead on any potential thing that may go wrong and how to deal with said thing if it does go haywire, and they're also two introverted (and a bit awkward) nerds who love learning new bits of knowledge and enjoy sharing what they've learned with each other while sitting in silence in the same place reading or drinking tea; but Dan Heng does value Himeko greatly too - she was the first person to have ever extended him a helping hand and she asked for absolutely nothing in return, which to this day is baffling to Dan Heng (she's much kinder than himself, in his opinion, and he admires her for that). She continues to be openly gentle and caring with him all the while slowly pushing him towards the life he wants to live rather than the one that's been imposed on him, and all of that combined has earned her a very soft spot in Dan Heng's heart.

Dan Heng was also the first "young person" to join the Express in a long time, and it's been quite some time since he joined and until March was found - so for a (presumably extended) while he truly was doted on by them every day, much like an only child. His thinking mirrors theirs in a lot of areas because of the time they've spent together closely and not only do they influence some of his beliefs, but he trusts them entirely. There's not a SHRED of doubt in his heart about either of them nor about their opinions/intentions/beliefs, and because of that he also trusts the conclusions they come to. Which is to say, in a lighter / funnier note, that if Himeko and/or Welt don't like you... you might as well say goodbye to the idea of ever successfully courting Dan Heng.

[essayofthoughts]

7, 11, 13 & 17 for the writers asks!

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

Hm so. Two parts. Part 1. When, when writing something, I manage to solve a tangle of problems in a way which feels satisfying and ties up enough loose threads without seeming unreasonable and unrealistic. And Part 2. When I manage to write something that people connect to? Some of the comments on Ripley's Assistant and That Balance May Return and that people have sent me privately give me strong emotions.

11. Do you believe in the old advice to “kill your darlings?” Are you a ruthless darling assassin? What happens to the darlings you murder? Do you have a darling graveyard? Do you grieve?

I hate killing my darlings, hate it, hate it, hate it. I've got better in recent years about deleting lines, but I still loathe it and prefer to rework things and rewrite it than just delete. And the problem is, my memory is terrible, so either 1. I delete it and forget it forever or 2. I remove it to a doc of notes and then forget I have a doc of notes. So generally, when I can, I try to move a line immediately to the relevant doc, or I rework it. I know sometimes it's necessary to delete things but I will never stop hating it and it's probably a good thing for me that I tend to get ideas of whole scenes. That way I can edit a great deal of it, but as long as the overarching scene is the same, I don't mind. (If I have to delete the scene... noooooooo 😰)

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

There is a very solid answer to the first part of that question but it's also complicated so I'd rather give you that answer in private, Mike, if you want to hear it. For another answer of something that's difficult for me to write - torture. I usually get around this by writing indirectly, letting the reader's mind fill in the gaps, because rather as with horror that's often the more effective way, but yeah. Not for me.

I also struggle to write the POV of outright malicious bastards just because I don't see the point of that kind of perspective? I don't see what is gained by being like that. I see it as deeply self-defeating and struggle to write it when I can't make out the goals of it or how it connects to other people.

As for easy - I mean, you've seen my fics. Manipulation, trauma, healing from violation. Angst and Hurt/Comfort in general, tbh. I struggle to write pure fluff, it feels deeply substanceless to me, but angst and hut/comfort have texture and I can always write those.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

Mrrm. I don't know that there is much that won't make it in? Like, someone once commented about Ghost Cass something along the lines of how it can be kind of slow paced and... yeah. It's my self-indulgent "Take as much time as you like" fic in some respects, and while I do want to keep the plot moving it's also that... it took me ages to get from writing ficlets and oneshots to writing big fics! I am relishing it now. But also, because of this, a lot of the ideas for lore and history and details and stuff going on off-camera... we'll get bits of it anyway? Characters will inform others of lore, details of what happened elsewhere can be backfilled with other POVs, and for example with the Briarwood Arc part of Ghost Cass there's gonna be a downtime fic, and that's gonna cover Vox Machina, sure, but also some NPCs that are relevant, both within Whitestone and elsewhere, and help to provide some of that additional detail.

Idk. I don't like it going to waste? This is why I used to have such an issue of infodumping worldbuilding into a story. It's the whole reason I made monsterblog way back when, so I could infodump things in one place and redirect to it instead of infodump again in a fic. Instead I kind of work in background worldbuilding as information which a character has due to their background and it provides both worldbuilding and character information.

But I guess like, if I had to pick one piece of random background worldbuilding, lets go with my fave:

In my headcanon (shared with @blorbologist) - it starts with how Whitestone keeps bees. Snow Mead is a locally made Whitestone alcohol, and for mead you need honey. However, if you're making it in reasonable quantities you're probably taking quite a bit of honey, (not to mention honey just to sell as honey, and beeswax) and this is Whitestone, where it's cold and there's a shorter summer, so there's fewer flowers, so there's less for the bees to feed on. Mead was valued by the Norse because it used honey and honey wasn't cheap! It was a rarity, a treat.

But Whitestone makes Snow Mead enough that not all that long after the Briarwoods' occupation is ended Percy is able to obtain some Snow Mead amongst other local alcohols, which means the business has likely been continuing even during this occupation - an occupation which prevented trade between Whitestone and the rest of Tal'Dorei, I would note.

So the beekeepers need a way to sustain their hives, right? And IRL the way that's done is with sugar water. But sugar hasn't been cheap, historically, because it's kind of a pain to grow and refine and it was usually imported and made from sugar cane. We know trade was cut off for five years, so how are these beekeepers getting sugar for their bees? Given Whitestone climate, it can't be sugar cane imported or home grown, so most likely it's sugar beet, as grown in some of the fields near where I live.

And, if they've got hardy sugar beet growing, then they might well even have a surplus of sugar. Which would explain how, even as Tal'Dorei was rebuilding after the dragons, Vox Machina were able to set up a very prolific and successful bakery/pastry shop in Whitestone. Importing sugar, even with their money and connections would be tricky, and Vex doesn't like to waste money - if there's sugar locally they can get and use that at reduced cost.

And, further, it would be a source of income for the whole city even aside from the whitestone and refined residuum from the mountain quarries, which would help to explain why, despite it's small size, it hasn't just been subsumed into Tal'Dorei. Between it's isolated location and it's local sources of wealth, it's able to stay independent where other areas might find benefits in joining Tal'Dorei.

And... yes, that's a headcanon I came up with purely from Whitestone's climate and the fact they make mead.

[medusa-adsume]

I've always found other peoples' experiences with being trans and transition in general to be unrelatable. That sentence has no hidden value judgment; I just experience things (or maybe explain them) in a different way than a lot of the people I know. This can end up being quite troubling, though, because of how isolating it is to only read unrelatable posts online and only see unrelatable media, etc, etc. That's one of the reasons I'm writing this right now — maybe someone will be happy to see it, years down the line.

Since the time I was 12-ish years old, I've been trying to attain the same eventuality RE: androgyny, so my self-image has never changed. I spent 13 years with a life-threatening ED that never went into remission until I explored transition, particularly binding my chest. The combination of that sensory experience being lifted when I move around, and finally getting to explore the androgyny ED treatment told me wasn't allowed, helped me to make a full recovery. As of writing this, I've been totally recovered for over 3 years. I also switched from binding to taping (cannot recommend that enough; I literally don't think about it or feel it at all, and I am not restricted).

The rest of my life (not related to my body or my 'gender') kinda exploded and my career took off at the same time that my personal life fell into shambles. So, despite finding recovery, I didn't finally find actual stability until much later — maybe the end of the summer of 2023. Which is about the time I decided I wanted to try supplementing testosterone.

I wanted some things and didn't want others, didn't care about a few either way. I'd had a goatee since I was 13 years old because of a hormonal intersex condition (not the same as one from birth) and have always been tall and narrow as well, so I kind of started from a blank slate. I was mostly hoping to masculinize my body shape and some of the more imperceptible features. As a musician editing their own voice, I always loathed hearing mine. I loved editing lower voices, always, and found myself intentionally shifting mine (in real life, and in post-production) to compensate. I also wanted to have the option to have more facial hair, particularly on my cheeks where it was missing.

My concerns were valid and well thought-out. I was worried about changes to my genitals until I realized I'll probably only be sleeping with other queer people, like my partner, forever. I was worried about getting acne because I have a really bad skin-picking habit. I was worried about gaining weight because I'm in recovery from an ED and my safety-zone of comfort and ease was effortlessly maintained with literally zero thought about food or weight or dieting or anything like that.

Basically, I was in homeostasis, emotionally speaking, but looking to optimize. So I started T in September of 2023, saying (frequently aloud, to my partner) "I am feeling really stable and don't wanna jeopardize that, but I wanna give this a shot."

I started 0.20 200/ml every other week for the first 3 months. Then my doctor upped my dose to 0.25 weekly. I immediately sensed this was too high for my body, but thought I would adjust. I liked having less of a rise and fall, dosing weekly rather than biweekly.

Around 2 months of the new dose, I didn't end up feeling well-adjusted and lowered my dose a bit, down to 0.20 per week, which felt better.

I'm 6 months on T now. Some things have been very exciting and made me very happy! I have muscle on my body for the first time ever, but not in a way that's super masculine — maybe in a way I should have had all along, lol. I am in way, way, way less pain because of the extra muscle my body built just from, like, holding my head up. My spine feels supported. My arms and legs and glutes are all feeling less like they're ripping and falling off whenever I move them. My body feels good. I feel healthy on a day to day basis. Some days I literally have abs. I get fewer migraines too. I also feel less emotionally intense on a regular basis, though I have a full range of emotion and do still feel things more intensely when something is super upsetting etc.

Some things have been unremarkable. Genital stuff was super mundane and didn't actually bother me at all. Like nothing hurt or was uncomfortable the way some people seem to experience. I gained like 3-5lbs total, likely muscle and water. In the grand scheme of things, these are very minor changes.

I did get a lot of zits and clogged pores and I am constantly picking at my face in a way that isn't good for my skin, or my mental health. Changing my hormones also thinned my hair a bit, which gave me something else to fixate on. I have become pretty anxious about my voice changing and being unable to change it back, despite wanting it to change to begin with. I am also feeling anxious about something happening "inside me" (I don't know what I mean by this) that could be bad, without my knowing — like atrophy of my ovaries or my uterus etc. There is no evidence of this, I am just worried. Sometimes it consumes me. "Should I be doing this?" I find it hard to believe myself about what I want with so much noise. I also am concerned about giving myself so many things to worry about.

So, while those things aren't 'bad' necessarily, they're giving me a lot of stress. They're making me behave in really obsessive compulsive ways. It's eating a lot of my time and energy because they're literally triggering obsessive compulsive behaviors. But I've had obsessive compulsive behaviors my whole life — incredibly persistent ruminating, magical thinking and rituals, 'finding it,' intrusive thoughts, etc — so it's not like they're going to stop if I stop T.

I don't know. I need to do some research on where the endocrine deadzone is to make sure I don't end up in it. Like, you have to have enough hormones to live and function properly, and if I think I might lower my dose a little more, I don't wanna end up in it. My doctor and my therapist have been very supportive and informative, though, and my levels are getting checked every 3 months! So I don't mean an actual deadzone, just a feeling-dead-zone.

That's where I'm at. A super underwhelming 6 months on T update from a nonbinary person who was somewhat androgynous organically in the first place. I'm happy but I'm also panicking that I'm not actually happy. It's an experience I'm sure other autistic people know very well.

[playinhooky]

CW: homophobia, transphobia, suicide/attempted suicide, mentions of OD

My family wishes I was dead.

They don't say it in such a blunt manner, but it's evident now in everything else they say and do. Every "she" and every prayer that I will 'see the light, return to God'.

It is common knowledge to my family that in 2013, I was stockpiling a sleeping medication to overdose and die. I was early in my transition and struggling because no one would use my name or pronouns. I still lived at home, saving and trying to get on testosterone. My sister found the stash because everyone in my family snoops. she found them and she told my mom who told everyone. They disposed of my pills and my plan and just thought I would be okay. but no one ever addressed or asked why I wanted to die.

"I could never go to your wedding if it was to someone of the same sex," my mom tells me one day, I don't even remember the context or what we were talking about, but I was stunned. My mother wouldn't want to see me be happy with the person who makes me the happiest?

"We wouldn't kick you out of the house for [being trans]," she says another time, "it obviously didn't work before [when we thought you were just gay]"

"I imagine it's hard to date like you are, be hard to date someone like you," she never remembers saying these things to me but they're just fucking seared into my brain forever. how she would rather I be miserable and self loathing as long as I was her daughter again. it never mattered that I was starting to find happiness in community with other queers. it never mattered that I was becoming someone that I loved and could look at in the mirror again.

I found prayers she had written out and posted on the bathroom mirror for all to see, that she wished God would make me whole again and bring me back to then, like I'd become some sort of broken and ugly unrecognizable being.

my sister's pretended for ten years to be on "my side" saying the right words, trying not to alienate me. and as soon as I made my decisions more 'real' in their eyes, as soon as I proposed to my queer trans boyfriend, the mask was off. they're afraid of losing me, they say, afraid that when (not if, when) I change my mind that my community will leave me and I will be further broken.

but they know, that I was going to kill myself ten years ago, because no one would treat me like a fucking human being for wanting so desperately to be masculine and perceived as a man. in case they forgot I reminded them I told them that being who I was would have killed me.

but they don't care. they simply insist i am "her", I am their sister. and now I do not believe that they are glad I lived on to become the person I am today. I'm sure they want me to be dead, they want me to be her and that means death.

so I guess that I will be dead to them. because I will not be her ever again.

[tjerra14]

🙋‍♀️ for the ask game: F, G and S

Let's see what you've got for me here, buddy!

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it. I've got a bunch of dialogue I'm rather fond of, but this one from Unfold Your Empty Space is probably my favourite:

Blurting out, breathless from excitement, “We did it! We took down—I never thought… And you—you just—” Bright eyes, brighter laugh. The slightest shake of her head. An addition, tender, more subdued, “I love you.”

The right words. Within her grasp now, they wait for Aloy to take and return them, and she opens her mouth intending to do so. A sharp inhale, a sudden tightness in her throat, an ache blooming in her chest, and all she manages is a rattled, incredulous, “What?”

She could have just as well slapped her. Ikrie stumbles back, falling face and shoulders, hands clenching into knuckle-whitening, palm-biting fists. For the first time since she made the initial promise on that stormy day in the cave, the one of always-coming-back, there is a distance between them, one that can’t be as easily travelled as those that separated them before. Aloy reaches out to try and take her face into her hands, try to reconcile, make amends, but her companion brushes her aside.

“I thought—I thought you knew,” Ikrie stammers. “I—I thought you felt the same.”

I do, Aloy wants to answer, Ikrie, I do. Before she can overcome the lump in her throat, Ikrie huffs out a joyless laugh.

“It seems I just can’t help myself,” she says, steadying in bitterness, in harsh, self-loathing defeat. “Forever the fool.”

“Ikrie—”

“No,” she cuts her off. “After Mailen… left, I swore to never follow someone blindly again. No more shadows. If it meant I had to spend my days alone, so be it. But here we are. Once again, I followed.”

Sometimes dialogue just flows while I'm writing it, and this was one of those occasions. Even more so, I could practically hear them, and it was a joy to imagine them working through this. To this day, I think this scene might be the one where Aloy and Ikrie, as I write them, are the truest to themselves.

G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order? I used to write scenes as they came to mind, but that led to me never finishing anything, so ever since I started writing for Horizon, I'm forcing myself to write them from start to finish. However, since my brain absolutely refuses to work with that structure and keeps flinging ideas and straight-up entire written dialogues and scenes from later parts of the fic at me, I've got a notebook to write those down, so I won't lose them until I get to that point in the fic. (It's chaos. Especially the notes for the current project. Serves me right for leaving it to simmer for an entire year.)

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist? Hurt/Comfort. It is just SO delicious. I'd apologise to the characters suffering from that, but hey. At this point Ikrie lives in the pain soup, it'd be cruel to tear her from that home.

[colleenmurphy]

"Hi Ma and Minnie!"

Was all that was heard as the ancient staircase creaked under her thundering footsteps to get to her bedroom on the second floor landing. Col had a date to keep with Dave for dinner and she loathed being late for anything, especially time with him.

"Man...she's just like you were.."

The Sheehan sisters remarked as they went about their bridge game.

"Aren't we waiting on Harvey and Celeste?"

"They should be here any minute along with Helene. They're probably helping her with the flowers."

"She's going to love him even more after this I think. He's put so much care and detail in it."

Eileen sipped her tea with a small smile. Her little girl had finally found her prince.

"I don't even think that's possible, Min. They've weathered so many storms together they're unshakable."

Upstairs the inner dialogue wasn't flowing as smoothly as it should have been for Colleen. A hurried shower to get the smell of the day and the ocean off of her she ended up skipping the deep condition and threw her hair into a towel before grabbing the clothes she'd had the sense lay out and ask Helene to look over when she stopped by. The large purple gel glitter heart on the pastel kitten sticky note to the outfit was all she needed.

'Murphy tested Starling approved.'

Her hair was naturally curly, something she was ever self conscious about since the third grade and she was called 'Fuzz Ball'. She didn't exactly have the time to straighten it so she let it go and simply diffused it, moused and spray set it and hoped like hell that they weren't outside for any amount of time by the water. Lotion was slathered, makeup carefully and lightly applied and one last tiny little dab of perfume, something she dabbled in, was applied. Grabbing her heels, jacket and purse she headed out.

"Bye guys! Hey Harvey!"

Spotting the man that had taken up for her father after his passing she reached for a hug.

"Love ya, Papa bird!"

"How many times I gotta tell you to stop calling me that?"

"But...Harvey..."

Her green eyes widened as her features took a quizzical look. Colleen was certainly Jimmy's daughter.

"Colly don't.."

"Your last name..."

Sidling up to his left side she started shimmying. A cross between the mashed potato and the twist.

"Is that of a bird...why are you not pleased by being called Papa Bird? You're the only guy on the force that can actually fly a plane."

The dance morphed rather quickly into a rather one sided tango as Colleen grabbed poor Harvey and dipped him low.

"Good god you're strong, Col."

"Love you. Take care of Ma and Mins. I left you a surprise in the fridge."

They were eye to eye still in the dip as cheesecake negotiations were in talks. Col's pies and confections were one of the draws to the tea room her mother and aunt owned.

"Dark chocolate Black Forest cheesecake."

"Ooh! My soon to be new favorite. Stop tellin' me and lemme go."

Letting him up she smiled and hugged him before blowing her aunt and mother a kiss and heading out. She didn't plan on having an easy time getting into the Pedlar's Inn but she did. Parked on the side and walked right in, found Sully with no problem already waiting on her and she gave him an apologetic shrug.

"Thank you so much for waiting. I got caught up on the boat."

Shaking out his napkin he shushed her before passing her a glass of white wine.

"Trust me, I know all about boats. But you...I'd wait for you...forever."

Kissing his cheek she sat down and dinner was ordered. Something had changed in the air that night. It tingled like electricity and she felt butterflies in her stomach. Sully had seemed fidgety all evening and by now the dessert course was coming and he had disappeared. She could have sworn she'd seen her aunt Minnie in the background of the club room adjoining to where their table was but as quick as she'd caught her she was gone.

'You've had a long day. You've been working out on the water all day and you're tired.'

Sully popped back in this time sitting down across from her. Gently taking her hand into his own he ran his finger tips over the back of it.

"C-cColleen...I've got.."

She watched in slow motion as he went down on one knee in front of her. She noticed he was sweating a bit.

"A-a Question to...uh...ask you.."

Her heart had leapt into her throat and all the blood in her body seemed to be rushing to her ears. The lights had been dim but there were flashes of light popping off in her vision. Someone was taking pictures.

'This is it! He's finally going to ask me to marry him!'

"But I..I can't do ask you because it wouldn't be fair to because I can't. I can't marry you...Colly I think we should go our separate ways.."

Her mouth fell open as she dropped his hand. Her heart shattered as her mind raged to make sense of what her boyfriend of nearly ten years had just said. Another few flashes of light caught her attention.

Her Mother. Helene. Harvey. Aunt Minnie. What looked like the entire Sloughbridge police department. Dead silence. Everyone was waiting on her reaction as time seemed to stop.

"You..want...to...what"

Was the last thing she remembered before all hell broke loose in the nicest four restaurant in town. Somewhere over the speakers the newest pop hit played softly.

Tell it to my heart

Tell me I'm the only one

Is this really love or just a game?

Like some whoever had to oversee this had some sort of sick sense of humor. It pushed for Colleen to do something nobody, not even she herself knew that she was capable of doing. She stood up, clenched her fist and punched the only man she'd ever loved since she was a teenager square in the face knocking him over into a half assed backflip out of the cane back chair he had been sitting in trying to stammer an explanation.

"The only thing we need to be clear on is the fact that you used me. I was your means to an end when it came to the Grey Gull. Pack your shit and get the hell out of town because I never want to see you again, David Sullivan."

With that she turned on her heel, went home and packed a few bags and set out to warmer waters in Florida aboard the one boat Sully had never set foot on. The Trade Wind. She would call back home once she calmed down. Right now she just wanted to be in the middle of the sea with her sadness and try and pick up the fragile pieces of her heart.

[toga-vibes]

I'm on chapter... 5? 6? And I have some Thoughts.

First off I'm not the oldest Fire Emblem fan out there, just a little disclaimer. I've played Awakening, Fates, and 3 Houses in the main story, some of the mobile game for a little bit, and then the Warriors games as like. Self indulgent fan service things.

Anyways, the game play is good and probably the reason I'll be able to finish the game. I'm not able to flow through it quite as fast as the DS games or 3H, but I think it's because I'm just not used to the button mapping yet and I'm still figuring out like the right moments to engage or whatever. Cool cool, it'll get better with time.

The art style and dialogue, as well as the storyline absolutely REEKS of like a cutsey anime style. Every single female character either is a SQUEEEEEEEE THE MC LOOKED AT ME OMG or a MILF that they made to look 12 with boobs, including your dead mother. I know it's kinda personal but I miss the slightly more realistic anime style from Awakening through 3H. Even the bits and pieces I've played of Radiant Dawn look way better imo. The cutscenes take absolutely forever for no discernable reason? Everyone talks slow and the writing takes forever to get through whatever is going on. The game just doesn't flow for me outside of battle at ALL. The dialogue is cringey at best and downright painful to listen to at worst. I'm not terribly far into the story so I won't comment on it too much yet, but what I've seen so far is just bad and held back by cliches and the terrible writing. And I'm not saying that Fire Emblem hasn't leaned heavily into tropes in the past (Awakening is chock full of them) but I just don't think it's ever been this bad. And I just don't care about any of the characters! I know I criticized Byleth for being a silent protagonist but gods above I'd rather have that than Captain Colgate walking around being the most generic excuse for a self insert MC. They are worse than Corrin imo (which is saying something, because I thought Fates was one of the worst FE games up to this point). Captain Colgate is just a walking embodiment of little bits and pieces from every MC from games past and not in a good way. I absolutely LOATHE how everyone just falls over themselves to worship them. Give me conflict like between Robin and Frederick! Or at least let them fade to the background a bit so the other characters can shine like with Byleth! Ugh. This entire game feels like they're riding on the nostalgia and bits and pieces from the other games, and it feels like something that should be in the mobile game or a straight fanservice game like the Warriors games.

Anyways, if you like this game, I can see why. It's really just not for me and not what I've come to expect Fire Emblem to be like. Maybe I'll update when I slog through more of the game. I tried to avoid spoilers so far but I might make another post with a more spoilery filled thought dump.

[sg-x00-airgetlam]

7, 12, 20, 22, 31, and 49!

7. Hair-ties or scrunchies?

Scrunchies! Though I don't use either that often. I need to get more scrunchies actually..

12. What kind of day is it?

I slept in late and largely stayed in bed with my cats, so I suppose a lazy one? My hockey team, the Detroit Red Wings, had an amazing comeback victory, so it's pretty good in that regard!

20. Do you say soda or pop?

I say soda! To my knowledge this is a regional thing in America. One time I was at the movie theater with my ex-stepmother in Florida, and she ordered a "large pop"; The attendant's face became oddly stern and he told her, rather firmly, "Ma'am..I don't know where you're from, but down here we call it soda".

22. What type of person are you?

This one is hard to answer, partly because there are so many different dimensions to the types of person someone can be! A compact comparative answer would be that the fictional characters I relate to most are Makoto Nijiima (Persona 5), Maria Cadenzavna Eve (Symphogear), and Weiss Schnee (RWBY).

To give a more idealistic, flowery answer: Someone with a strong sense of justice who desperately wants to believe in people, who wants to confront and accept her own weakness to grow stronger?

A more mundane answer: Someone who likes good food, tea, relaxing, and making really bad puns. Someone who wants to learn more about the world as well (I like to read books about biology, medicine, etc a lot).

But most of all, beneath all of that, I am someone who wants you to Watch Symphogear.

31. What type of music keeps you grounded?

The sort of music I listen to when I really need to relax and think... I'd say genre-wise smooth jazz. My two favorite songs for this are "Behind The Mask" (Persona 5) and the Jazz cover album version of "The Fragrance of Dark Coffee" (Godot's theme from Ace Attorney).

There's two other songs that might fall more under "inspired" but I use them to break out of depressive, self loathing spirals. "Stand Up! Ready!!", Maria's song from Symphogear AXZ, and "Let's Just Live", the RWBY Volume 4 opening.

49. Can you skip rocks?

I haven't tried in forever, but no, I'm horrible at it! I think I've managed like a single skip one time.

Thank you so much for the ask, anon!

[stylezxsilvermoon]

the secret charm: chapter five: the heights / bittersweet

❝oh, baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you I need you here to stay I broke all my bones that day I found you crying at the lake was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden? oh, and if I could take it all back I swear that I would pull you from the tide❞

WC: 4.4K 

❃゜・。. ・°゜✼ ゜°・ . 。・゜❃

CHAPTER FIVE: THE HEIGHTS / BITTERSWEET

❃゜・。. ・°゜✼ ゜°・ . 。・゜❃

⁕

Louis

Looking at everything now, from a hindsight vision-like view. I wonder how I got here, roomed with my worst enemy, on his home soil.

The shift nearly took me by surprise, so much I narrowly even knew what it was, what was 'the shift', it was a feeling, fleeting nevertheless, but real in its own right. All righteous for all who believed. Time blended seamlessly like an expert seamstress, no flaws, no cuts, no healed scars. Perfectly symmetrical skin, so much you could slip into normalness and forget the madness of it all.

And perhaps, that was the very definition of insanity, but no, I was simply slowly being enveloped in his snare, completely aware of a plan of my own. Harry and I's room quickly became shared, between breathless grumbles, insults and petty arguments, it became routine. As much as we both loathed it.

So much I'd nearly evaded the shift, the shift from late September, heady October and now frostbitten forever love November had quickly snuck upon us, closely on our tails...but also alluding us all the same.

But there was still the question, how the two of them were connected. There seemed to be no connection between them, yet fused all the time, unlike 'the shift' they seemed forced together with a very strong glue, rather than an ever-permanent stitch, like Harry and I, as ironic as it is.

I was almost afraid to ask, but, knowing myself, I did anyway. We were coming back from a lesson on Shakespeare's 'Romeo and Juliet' walking with Harry's 'clique' that I had come to know and... oddly like. A group of snobby royals all alike, but they had stories to them, stories I'd...actually like to know one day, as surprising as it is.

Harry and I had split off from the group, because our dorm room was on the base level of the school, a lower number...for convenience, once again. Endlessly the nepo-baby from his mother, quietly flitting him on easy street and changing his path whenever it was accessible and needed.

"...Harry?" I asked, I don't know why I'd done that, I hated the guy. Were we on a first name basis now? Shockingly, he turned to me as he opened the dorm room door as we walked inside.

"Yes?" He said, his eyes flitting over me in a way that was supposed to make me feel less than, but I was no peasant.

"Are you and...Dorothea..." I say as I formulated my words carefully.

"Are we what? Spit it out Louis before I completely lose my ever-loving mind." Harry says dramatically, rolling his eyes at my careful and precise tone and approach, mincing my words over and over will only allow them to add up to nothing.

"Together? As you know her country is an ally of mine, so it'd seem foolish of you to do something so...dare I say backhanded. Given your countries track record, of course." I said as I spoke eloquently, which surprised him, because all Styles' thought of Tomlinson's of dim brained monkeys in silk suits.

His reaction was all but surprising, ever evasive, ever mysterious. His eyes turned into slits as he closed the door once we were both inside, fixing his hair in the mirror. "I guess you could call it that, she satisfies the need, fills the role." He said, haphazardly, uncaring even. Even his snake-like self-had some charisma for being ever the Casanova...so why, now...when we were completely alone, he acted like she was nothing more than a bedmate? A pleasure mate, as shocking as it was.

She was a princess, despite being quite the evasive and calculating supposed 'ally' of mine, and as multiple-sided as a clear prism. She deserved that role, she was born into it. I shook my head at this, how could he even think so low of her? Was he seriously so egoistic he didn't care for his own supposed lover?

"The role of what? Are you to be married?" I pressed on, and the hand coasting through his hair like a car on an empty highway stopped and came to rest on the side of his body as he turned around to face me.

"And to you," He started, his face blank and expressionless "Why do you.... care? Do you wish to have her?" He asks, his words ending with a snappy tone. Caught a nerve there, I suppose.

"I do not" I say truthfully "I was simply curious, since you seem to have no love in your heart for anyone but yourself and the glint of gold you wear on your head" I say with conviction and confidence, earning a lopsided smirk from him that turned into a snarl within a split second.

"Fun," he says, getting closer, attempting to back me into a corner, which I clearly see coming and evade. Getting closer by the second until he's against the wall.

"Why would I want her?" I ask, practically breathing the same air that sucks into his lungs. It feels almost like poison, like a sin being this close to him, I can feel every bloom of my bravery begin to wilt under his gaze but force myself to strengthen the root of all that I am. Steeling myself to the ground beneath my feet. Riding this wave of power until I crash, and burn is the only way to come out on top.

"You seem curious enough," He says, not shoving me off, but eating up the closeness like a flame does oxygen, hating it but using it to his advantage.

"You seem oddly protective, given you don't seem to care," I say, circling around the half-circle of space he has to breathe, since he's against the wall, not exactly pressed, just leaning.

"I don't care if you bedded her tonight, she's just means to an end," He spits "I am to be wed to her so she can birth the next in line to my empire, simple enough." He says, clearing up any confusion like a gust of wind in a sandstorm. Making everything seem simple and clear, but particles still hang in the air waiting to cut through you, much like a sandstorm.

"I think you would," I say deceptively "I am not interested in bedding, despite the man whore you believe that I am, that my line may be." I say, spatting the word whore back at him with conviction.

"Watch your language, you're still a prince," he chides "we are still princes." He corrects, backing off of the wall with the little room I gave him to move.

"And your still my enemy," I add on, as he nods "That is true, but you swore your heart to my country, you absolute swine, and I won't let you forget it." he says, grabbing my collar and whispering harshly in my ear. He may think he has the upper hand, but I have an affinity for small daggers tucked into my waist coat.

"No matter what you think or what your curious about, you are not getting out of this Louis." He says, and if a human being could hiss and growl like an animal, he would be right now.

"You are my disciple, as far as the word goes," He continues, shoving me away as fast as he pulled me in, like a ragdoll "you jump when I say jump, run when I say run, my country, my school, my castle, my crown." He lists off, marking each with a touch of his finger, four in total raised in front of my face.

"It was for the better," I say, but it's a lie, I hate him right now and I hate that we're grabbing and pushing, pushing and pulling, I hate him so much that I could die.

"I only did it because of my mother, if you were anyone else, I wouldn't hesitate to cut you down where you stand!" I say, grabbing him right back and raising my fist, my arm pushed back, ready to punch him if need be.

"Don't give me that crap, I should have your head cut off," he grits.

"This is for our future!" I scream "we can't keep doing this, blood for blood, brother for brother against each other," I say, letting him go, but my hand still hurts from grabbing his school jacket so tightly, so tight I feel that ever-fucking-loving string of fate being pulled closer, invisible but the feeling is 100% there.

"If we want to survive, our kingdoms, that is, we have to heal this forever gaping trench between us, just stop being so hostile," I say, shaking my head and wiping off some sweat that randomly appeared on my forehead.

"Your precious mother dearest conceded in this decision, eh?" He chides, getting up close in personal "I loathe your very being so much right now" he says, grabbing me and slapping my face, as I gasp in shock.

Left cheek, right cheek, both bruised faintly now and stinging only like a slap could, it almost feels embarrassing to be slapped around like this. The son of my father's killer, his skin on me, on mine, skin to skin...I can feel the bile rising in my throat. The act beating me like his father did makes me want to retch here and now.

Only I won't fall, I won't kneel. My father was a strong and a courageous man, he didn't go down without a fight, thinking of it now.

My fist raises again, and I punch his jaw clean and swift, the feel and sound of his jaw shifting under his skin made me cringe all the same. But I stay emotionless, like I was taught. Despite being refined and royal, I know how to hurt without causing a spill or splatter. He doesn't even falter, not for a second, his jaw bursting colors of violet and violence, blue and birthing badlands with the look on his face.

Somehow, in all the crazed hate-filled violence, we both manage to crack a smile. Happy we both got our revenge, the sweet-bitter revenge, and stinging with anger all the same. Harry's hand engulfs mine in warmness like a flame, red and stinging from his slaps, shaking mine heartily.

"For the future," he nods "You know we'll be dust and bone by then, right?" He continues, as I shake his hand back, knowing both of our other hands have their fingers crossed behind our backs. It's almost a game now, and I don't know if the future will even withstand the present long enough to see this change. Feel this warmth.

"I can't wait to see which one of us goes first." I nod, a mischievous smirk on my face. "I hate you so much right now," I say first, then he joins in, our words blending together like two flames, dancing around each other to see which one was hotter. More damage, more casualties, more risk.

I will be the one who succeeds him, hotter in flame, stronger in heart. I just know it. Our hands keep each other in a tight grip, fingers digging into each other's skin, I'm almost surprised our skin hasn't broken yet. And just like that, as fast as our playful hateful behavior was born, it dies all the same in that same second. His face changed and he suddenly, but slowly pulls his hand away.

"Don't think I've forgiven you for disrespecting me so brazenly." Harry says, as he backs up to casually lean against the wall, he fishes a cigarette out of the pocket of his slacks, lighting it with a silver lighter and smoking it casually.

"Disrespecting? It was only the truth, the only words I have spoken were," I scoff, and I can hardly believe that the closest we got to forgiving each other's sins was when we were slapping and punching each other. It's an odd thing, I suppose, but it's curiously daring all the same, and it strangely makes me want to strangle him for touching me.

"And don't lay hands on me again, or I'll knock your head clean off." I spit, my eyes meeting his with conviction as he carelessly keeps smoking his cigarette.

"Don't act like it wasn't a simple rite of passage, the Tomlinson's have always kneeled to the most powerful empire on this side of the world for ages, just like your father," Harry says, clicking his tongue casually, looking me bravely in the eye as he says so, his eyes dead and cold, just like both of our fathers.

"What did you say, you massive dick?" I ask, my anger coming off of me in waves. Nothing like I expected, I thought it would feel like molten waves of water washing over me again and again. But now, feeling the intensity feels like every bone in my body is just begging to shatter, or shatter someone else's.

"You heard me, don't act like you've gone deaf Louis," he says, "don't act foolish, or you'll suffer the same fate that your father did." Harry remarks, slowly forming his words like a torturous rope, one that will be my undoing, or one that intertwines us closer. I don't know how he has the nerve to smile in my presence, knowing I hate him more than the air that was stolen from my father's lungs.

"You dare threaten me?" I continue, raising my voice, my dagger sheening in the light, the air suddenly cold and crisp despite the world feeling so electrified and warm. The metal makes the classic 'shing' sound as it scrapes its holder.

It's insanity almost, Harry hardly even looks threatened by the weapon, instead he just keeps smoking his cigarette. "Put that away." He remarks firmly "Before someone sees, then your head really will come clean off."

"Oh, it'd be the very last thing you'd ever see you snake," I spit and swung it forward, clutched tight in my closed fist. He blocks, of course, just my luck.

It pierces his school jacket the slightest bit as the navy material quickly is stained by blood. Then, only then does this earn a reaction as he pulls away, almost amazed at the cut on his forearm.

"Are you daft?" Are the first words he spoke, not at all worried about the cut. "We have an event to go to this evening, I should ban you from going, your not allowed to just carry around weapons on the premises like a hooligan." Harry says, laughing breathlessly as he sheds his jacket, the cut soaking through the crisp pearl-like color of the shirt underneath as well.

"You're lucky I didn't do worse, you know." I say, putting it away begrudgingly, even if my soul cried like the war song of an ancient army at the act. Even if every atom of me hated him, he was slowly seeping into me, as I was to him, I couldn't help it, stop it, or even attempt to do anything.

All I could do was remember, the past, would be the ultimate guide to the future, even if all the war and bloodshed was all that remained. My mother, the queen of Lorixix wishes for a better land, for both countries, but he makes it so difficult to find common ground, to even begin to undo the centuries-long brooding that has steeped with in me.

Much like tea that's gone bitter from brewing for far too long, now a steaming disgusting mess, much like him. And much like me, as much as I hate to admit it.

"I thought you just spoke something along the lines of getting along?" Harry asks, smirking like a Cheshire cat, his disgustingly dazzling jade green eyes is enough to match, bringing the whole terrifying look to life.

Maybe we really are in wonderland, I wonder, and maybe we've both gone mad.

"We are," I groan "But I can't form an alliance only on my end, you must bend to the rules of comradery just the same as I do," I continue, groaning as the more I speak, the stupider my words start to sound.

"Look Louis," he says, meeting my eyes again after looking away for a split second, before returning my gaze, meeting it and matching it in intensity, he has some nerve looking at me, calculated and ready to strike after I'd landed a hit on him.

"You...and I," he starts, getting uncharacteristically serious about that ever loving glue fate has stuck us to, and constantly reminds me of day and night, or, every time I look in his eyes.

Ach! Forever undone, evermore, evermore, evermore. I chant inside my head, I will burn to the ground or unravel like the stray string from a wooled sweater before we make any progress at all. And why must he be on my mind day and night? I am surrounded by all that is him, its suffocating, this feels like a mental prison. All of his sick faux charm, stoic aura and smartass tendencies are driving me over the edge.

Whether that be ecstasy or insanity, I do not know.

Wait...what?!

He coughs suddenly, interrupting the train of thought I am having, my psyche kneels and grinds to a halt at the action.

"We have until February, I'll be crowned king and everything you hold near and dear will go poof like a magician if we don't somehow form a makeshift alliance before then." He says his voice oddly convicting.

"Because if I begin to favor another outcome in this time, I will hunt you down and tear your kingdom from your hands." Harry says, with a serious look in his eyes "Why do you fight this? I'm so deeply rooted into you, everything you are, is the antithesis of I myself, you base all your moves off of me. What I do, what I say, how I sound, you've sworn yourself to me." Harry finishes, a glinting look in his eye, whether it be mock or a sense of clarity. But something tells me it's a small hint of both.

"Of course I am," I say, my resolve buckling under his gaze, like I'm under a spell, sounding oddly soft all of a sudden. "I've sworn myself to your country, do you know how much that took for me to do? And you...stand here and mock me and my family, my people, really shows what type of man you are." I retort, providing a valid argument to his claim of dominance over me.

"As you should." He nods, looking down upon me like I was a worthless swine "And who said I wasn't attempting to keep the peace between the two of us, my enemy, my foe." He says, matching my tone and speaking softly, his charm attempting to seep its way into my head, like a sick lullaby leading me into a false sense of sacred warmth. But all it was, was simply ill-fitted and ill-fated, in the end I was reaching out an olive branch that was slowly beginning to rot and die.

Almost like the roots were poisoned from the start, just as quickly as the hope had been born, it was fading softly like the beat of a dying heart. The whisper of a final breath to a long-standing war machine of a man. And maybe I was fading too, slowly turning translucent like a ghost, I was weaning and wading, in and out, thrashing like a nightmare that wakes you up in the middle of the night.

Fighting with every single bit of me, but I'm slowly starting to think I'm losing the battle all the same.

⁕

Dorothea

The rush of days like this is what fueled me. And it was doubly more important, the autumn masquerade ball, and Harry, as my date.

Despite all of the festivities, Harry had been particularly wound up recently, most likely because of his ongoing feud with the prince of Lorixix. His country was somewhat of an ally of mine, but that didn't make us friends, not in the slightest, I am betrothed from his biggest enemy in our short lives. That along is a sin inside itself. It doesn't make me feel guilty at all, not in the lightest bit.

In this world, there's people like Louis, loyal to a fault, honest, and they have a superpower to somehow cut through the bullshit like a bright ray of truth. And there's people like Harry, a traditionalist, fate-stricken, with a heart wrapped in velvet coated steel. I understand why they are enemies, despite the obvious reason, the war.

But even if my concerns and doubts are so far strewn away and ashore, the ultimate sea of my endless worries laps at the shore of our current lives. And it terrifies me that it's high tide, drawing deeper and deeper into the sand. Innocent and harmless in its own right, but the closeness can kill.

Regardless, as our shared clique, a devoted and fierce group of royals get ready in Louis and Harry's shared dorm room for the ball, chatter is ample. We are fierce royals; we trust few and enemy to many. But, of the few that we do trust, we keep close.

Cutthroat in our nature, our group is the main vein in the beating heart of the school, the center of the storm. And with a storm, brings destruction, but what the charm school is known for the most, drama.

"I do hope this isn't a disaster like last year." Ambrose says as the maids, butlers and servants take turns circling around us like a carousel of hair and makeup products and refreshments. "Not too much." I hiss at the servant tending to my hair, cruel in my own right but there's an underlying gentleness to it.

"I do not wish to look like a ghost, hallo's eve isn't upon us just quite yet." I say, stifling a small laugh as she quickly dabs on some brush, a sickly fuchsia pink.

The others take turns, sharing their gripes and grievances about the autumn ball. You see, the autumn ball is on the cusp of the end of October, chilled, like throwing yourself into the middle of a freezing lake. A twisted rite of passage, that has the rush of first love swirled into it.

Like an old, faded polaroid, those are my Octobers, like a forever memory, marked for all to remember in existence like a prophecy etched forever in stained glass.

What would mine look like? I wonder, I do not know at this time, perhaps it will begin to fade into view much like pictures do, only much mor permanent.

After we were all finished with our preparations, we were ready. Buzzing like the hum of a high horsepower car. We were royals, it wasn't a crime to be excited in your own right, especially when the party your attending doesn't start without you and is for you. A celebration of all that you are.

"May I say that you look dashing- "Ambrose says, before he's cut off, mid in the gesture of kissing my hand.

"And that was exactly what I was about to say. If you would let me, say it to my own lady, of course. If you don't mind." Harry announces in a charming tone, suddenly appearing from a bend in the hallway. Making everyone dumbfounded in their own special way.

"You do look radiant indeed." Harry hums as his eyes flit over me as he kisses my hand. The sickly-sweet gesture causes bile to rise to my throat. Despite the race of my pulse as it's held in his.

Do I love him? I am not exactly sure of the circumstances fate has caused me to be forced to play out and fall cruelly into. But I can't help but love the way my heart races beneath his touch, the way my mind undoubtedly soars with possibilities of infinite futures, that suddenly become possible with each fate that plays out.

Tonight is going to be something that strikes me and shakes me to my core. And I can't help but be excited by it, I usually don't like being taken by surprise, but with Harry, he can take me anywhere and get away with it. Both literally and figuratively. The power that comes with it, being on the arm of the most influential royal in any room besides the Queen herself, is thrilling.

But most of all, I have to remember that thrill is fleeting, true lasting contentment lies in what I have inside of me already. Nonetheless, these are the Styles' that I've been betrothed to, fast paced and flashy is so them, but at least they have the weight to back up all of their intense nights filled with dreamscapes of satisfaction beyond your wildest dreams.

There's simply not much I can do to withstand such a mindfuck of a man, to deny the matters of the flesh, are simply futile and foolish. The craving for adoration itches beneath my skin, forever evaded no matter how hard I could scratch.

I am simply a woman, one, no matter how much power I think I have in this world, thinking won't get me far. The world isn't fair, even for a royal, I can only hope mother was right for choosing him as a worthy suitor, either way, I'm falling like a fallen angel at records speeds out of the skies of the heights I thought I once had, and right into his arms. As much as I want to fight it, the feeling is delicious in its own right.

The only question is, how hard is the bone crush? And can I piece myself together into a worthy Queen before we are wed and before he takes the crown? Time is running out, I must decide now, I fear.

In some sort of twisted way, we were like pretty puppets in this life of ours. Stars of an unformidable, never-ending charade, or dance of sorts. The dance weaved us around our fate and everything that was to come like a puppeteer yanking the strings as they pleased. And... when the audience turned away, we dropped like smoke from a fire, essentially disappearing.

And by you, my contrived love, am forever stuck by the glue, forever done by you, instead of undone and magically under your spell. I am done, by means of finished, you will be my demise, as sweet as it is.

A/N: hi everyone! i hope you enjoyed this chapter! I got so much inspiration a bit randomly and i decided to post a chapter, i hope everyone is well.

now, it seems like louis and harry's enemy-ship is somehow expanding or changing, what do you guys think it is? are they possibly falling? 

or are both dorothea and louis falling for harry? who will eventually fall into his arms? and is the prophecy right? are they destined to destroy each other?

let me know in the comments! as always, tell me your theories and thoughts

all the love, forever and always

- stylezxsilvermoon

p.s. happy 14th anniversary of 1D!

the secret charm masterlist

wattpad link

ao3 link

[why-fucking-bother-anymore]

I've always wanted to kill myself simply because at my very core I don't want to be alive. I don't feel as though I belong here, but on top of that I hate myself, and I want to fucking escape all of my problems and be done with dealing with shit. No more intense emotions I don't know what to do with, no more suffering within this capitalist system and feeling an inherent unworthiness due to my lack of not being a cog in the machine in corporate america because I'm too fucking scared to do fucking ANYTHING. I just want to give myself the "selfish" and "easy" out. I don't want to see my cat die in my life, I'd rather be selfish and go first. I'm tired of going through the motions every single day of my life and having a brain that makes every waking moment of my life feel like a living hell in the shape of self-loathing thoughts, executive dysfunction, constant overthinking, all while having apathy so extreme, I'm never doing anything to better my life which causes the excessively negative overthinking to spiral for hours a day, every single day. I'm stuck in my head rotting away. And all I can think about is how much more useful I'd be to those around me if I could be making money and that's the "better" version of my life I could be having... Which is that I'd spend every waking moment trying to sustain myself by working myself to death just to barely get by because life's structures are set up and demented by greedy government officials to be difficult, for us to have to jump through hoops and suffer for the most basic of existences. I don't want any of it, and I haven't for a very long time. I'm only getting worse and worse as the years go by. My socialization skills have all but gone. I spend every day genuinely just rotting away alone in my room and it's been that way since 2017. I graduated with my associates in 2017 and then I was too scared to drive. And then because I live in Texas (what feels like the fucking least walkable state with the shittiest public transportation unless you're living in downtown areas) and can't drive that means I can't work and if I'm not working I'm a burden to everyone around me. On top of that I'm getting no socialization, no life skills beyond schooling, I'm not even doing anything of any worthiness in my "free" time. I've completely given up on the notion of "getting better" I'm not learning new skills, not exercising my body or my mind. I've given up after years and years of wasting my goddamn useless life. At my core I am fucking useless.

I'm a useless fucking burden.

I'm a useless fucking burden and I just want to be a burden one last time forever and fucking kill myself.

[lost-my-name-in-the-process]

things to know about me before anything else. first, i am truly unlikable. i'm annoying. i laugh so loud. i swear you don't want to be friends with me. i read a lot of books. i talk to myself. i stay up late at night. i'm too anxious and lazy to even start a conversation. i'm awkward in any situation. i overwork myself. i pass my assignments ten days ahead of deadlines. i also procrastinate. i write my diary in korean. i'm not much of an eater. i'm a picky eater. i tend to hate people as much as i hate myself. i find comfort in self-loathing. i hate compliments. you don't wanna talk to me cos i'd literally sound like fake. i don't have much friends. i cut people out whenever i want. i hate attachments and any kind of love language. apparently, i hate hugs. i hate spotlight. i'd rather live alone than live with someone i couldn't connect with. i'm hopeful and hopeless enough to find that someone who can understand me. i remember my dreams often. i'm just annoying. i'm unlikable. i listen to taylor swift a lot. i'm obsessed with fantasy series. i write book reviews. i love doing thesis or any form of research. 70% of my time must be spent alone. i judge people a lot cos i know they judge me too. i'd rather stay in a library for a month. i like staying inside my room and taking enough space of my own without occupying anyone else's. i love studying and learning interesting concepts. self-pitying is my thing and everybody hates me for it. i'm manipulative. i care too much or care less. i don't want to owe anything from anyone. i want my poetry book to be published. it's a silly dream. nevermind. i constantly seek for academic validation. i can only wear comfortable clothes. i get exhausted easily. anemic. apparently, that makes me weak. not just physically but emotionally. i cry a lot. that's the way i break. i love rain. i love the ocean. i hate to stay beneath the sun. i am forever anxious about things. socially anxious. i haven't experienced the expanse of life yet. i'm in a cave. forever mourning in shadows. i'd rather eat pasta food. i talk a lot if i'm comfortable with you about random things. i basically hate small talks. it's a form of i'm-not-actually-that-truly-interested-in-this-kind-of-situation-so-let-me-ask-you-about-shallow-things-to-fill-the-silence-between-us thing. okay? so let's not have this conversation then. truly pointless.

[loosesodamarble]

Nacht Faust: A Story of Evil and Unresolved Atonement

So with Black Clover back to regular serialization and some thoughts brewing in my mind, I've decided to do a sort of mini essay/rant/character analysis of Nacht Faust.

Big surprise, I know.

Now this character analysis of Nacht Faust doesn't have months of research and writing behind it, despite Nacht not really being a new character at this point. I just recently got the fire to write down all my (objectively correct) thoughts.

Fair warning to my readers, this post contains manga spoilers and none of this was beta read.

..........

So in the beginning...

Nacht acknowledged that he was never really a good person. He did things for the fun of it and fun things were bad things. In chapter 286, the description of Nacht's past self includes the line "He used magic arbitrarily, and only for himself." To put it simply, Nacht in the past was a self-serving individual. Satisfaction for him came from serving his own interests.

In contrast, Morgen was "picture of a good man." He was an individual who put others before himself, helping them as second nature. He found satisfaction through serving others, rather than himself.

Nacht, at an early age, picked up on the differences between himself and Morgen. Morgen was good. Nacht was evil. Because of their differences, Nacht decided to pull away from Morgen. Quoting again from chapter 286: "I really loved you. Even if I couldn't shine, I wanted you to do it. If I was besides you, it felt as if I'd defile your light, so I—"

So Nacht doubled down on his bad nature as a way to cope with what he felt to be an unresolvable rift between himself and Morgen. He got became a delinquent, turned down being a Magic Knight on Morgen's suggestion, and eventually...

Now on a first reading, this comes off as Nacht merely being excited at the prospect of something as dangerous as Forbidden Magic and devils. Or perhaps it's satisfaction in knowing that he was considered the rightful heir of House Faust. However, I've come to read this moment as Nacht's malice towards himself, an already present self-loathing and self-destructive nature, finally being confirmed. His internal view was given external affirmation. And so of course Nacht took to Forbidden Magic as a way to continually affirm to himself that yes, he is evil while Morgen is good. Nacht cannot be close with the brother he loves so dearly, otherwise, Morgen would get hurt.

But despite Nacht trying to keep his distance, Morgen constantly sought him out and tried to reach out to him. The attempts were unsuccessful but what matters is that Morgen never stopped being a presence in Nacht's life.

And it eventually led to the tragedy that changed Nacht's life forever.

Morgen's death, though not brought about by Nacht's hand directly, is Nacht's greatest sin. In Nacht's mind, because of him, goodness was lost and all that remained was pure, illogical evil.

Chapter 286 is titled "A Night with No Morning." There are several meanings. Because of their names, the chapter can refer to Nacht no longer having Morgen in his life. It's also symbolic of there being dark despair with no light of hope. And, given Nacht's view of himself and Morgen, the chapter title can even be understood as "evil without good," a lack of balance.

What Nacht does following Morgen's death is him attempting to atone for his sin. Atonement is a complex concept—and it is frequently used in religious contexts but it exists independent of theology—but what it boils down to is a person taking action to correct their past misdeeds. Nacht is atoning, attempting to make up for his sin of killing Morgen.

Nacht devotes himself to the kind of life Morgen led. Instead of being self-serving, he acts self-sacrificing. Instead of reveling in bad behaviors, he looks down upon them.

Nacht even has a spell dedicated to his desire to atone.

However, atonement is... insufficient.

Although atonement is meant to make up for what someone has done wrong, there is no way to take back actions or undo the consequences. As much as Nacht grieves Morgen, his brother is staying dead.

Furthermore, Nacht's atonement for Morgen's death is, as I described in the title, unresolved.

Because as far as Nacht is concerned, his atoning for his sin is also meant to be an eternal punishment to himself. I mean, look back at the way he described Monument of Atonement: "no light, life, or death" and an "endless hellish game of tag."

But why would Nacht punish himself while trying to right his wrongs? Because Nacht hates himself.

Nacht's self-loathing is one of his most notable flaws. I kind of implied it earlier but I'll state outright here but I believe that self-loathing stems from the difference between the twins. Because Morgen was good and Nacht loved him, Nacht ended up hating himself since he was nothing like Morgen. The hate was there from the beginning and then got magnified by Morgen's death.

Thing is, Nacht doesn't admit to hating himself. Rather, he projects.

Nacht hates Yami and the Black Bulls because they represent his own failings. Being aimless and selfish and violent and showing a bad face to others. And then there's something he says regarding how the Bulls turned themselves around.

Nacht rejects the idea of bad people becoming good. He does not believe in redemption, in coming from a bad place and becoming better. And since we know Nacht is projecting, this is him saying that he can never be good.

Nacht is bad. Always has been. Always will be.

Because Nacht was born bad, born evil... Because his evil destroyed Morgen, who was born good... And because evil can never be good... Nacht decides to punish himself.

Nacht knows he can't bring Morgen back so he traps himself in trying to make up for Morgen's death forever.

Nacht's atonement is one without end. Without resolution. Without redemption. Without the one thing that he actually needs. It's something Nacht denies himself.

Nacht wants to atone and even apologize to Morgen, as seen in his thoughts when he thinks he's about to die (for a second time). However, Nacht never asks for forgiveness for causing Morgen's death. He doesn't fear the idea of not being forgiven. Rather, Nacht actively rejects the possibility of forgiveness.

Nacht being forgiven wouldn't erase his misdeeds. It wouldn't automatically make him a good person. But forgiveness is what would give his atonement any sense of closure. Closure, an end to it all, is what Nacht is avoiding though. Because Nacht sees himself as evil through and through, and seeks to punish himself forever for it, he cannot accept the mercy of being forgiven. If Nacht is forgiven, he can then be redeemed. He can go from bad to good. But Nacht doesn't want to be considered good because he believes he cannot, must not, be anything like Morgen whatsoever.

Unforgivable and irredeemable. That is how Nacht views himself. And so his atonement, his punishment against himself, is unconditional to him.

There is no condition which Nacht can meet in order to earn any amount of forgiveness. He deems himself undeserving of that second chance that forgiveness creates.

It's why he tries to drive Yami away. To get Yami abandon him and leave him to die. Because if Yami saves Nacht, that implies Yami's forgiveness. Nacht doesn't want to be forgiven though.

In the end though, Nacht being forgiven is not up to him. It's not his place to ask for forgiveness. But neither is it his place to deny any forgiveness given to him. And it's not about earning forgiveness either. There is no need for atonement to precede forgiveness (though some people would prefer it that way). Forgiveness is simply something given from one party to another.

(This portion delves into my oc content so if you just want the canon Nacht stuff, feel free to skip the next couple paragraphs.)

(It's why I have my oc, Josele, forgive Nacht so easily. In their story, Nacht also carries with him the sin of blaming Morgen's death on Josele and his accusation being a contributing factor to her curse. Nacht hurt Josele personally and tries to atone for that misdeed by looking for a way to break her curse. All the while, Nacht tells himself and other people that he doesn't deserve to make Josele happy even after it becomes possible for her to be happy at all again. Nacht wants to atone for accusing Josele without ever seeking for be forgiven for it.)

(And Josele sees what Nacht is doing to himself. She understands that he is trying to punish himself by never letting his actions be "enough" to make up for the past. And so because Josele loves Nacht, and knows he can do good despite his beliefs, she forgives him. She gives him what he is not asking for but what he needs to end his suffering. Nacht does reject it for a time, unable to think he can do anything good for Josele in comparison to Morgen. He eventually realizes that the unconditional love and forgiveness Josele offers is better than the unconditional hatred and punishment he puts on himself though.)

(Because of Nacht's love for Josele, he wants to atone for what he did to her. And because of Josele's love for Nacht, she forgives him for the pain he caused. Neither really asked for what the other offered, but both still needed those acts in the end. Which is... something.)

To me, Nacht's character reflects this conclusion I've come to: that redemption is the meeting point of atonement and forgiveness.

Nacht was once a bad person and in the present carried the sins of his past with him. He seeks to atone for his misdeeds. He refuses the possibility of being forgiven, of becoming good in the eyes or other or himself. In refusing to be forgiven or redeemed, Nacht leaves his atonement unresolved. Atoning forever does nothing but perpetuate Nacht's guilt and pain. Nacht's struggle, and his atonement, is resolved by Yami (and Josele) giving Nacht that unwanted but entirely necessary forgiveness. From there, Nacht is free to redeem himself and finally move onto a brighter future.

This analysis has made me grow to love Nacht even more.

So often there are characters who have done wrong in the past and get on their hands and knees, begging to be forgiven and accepted as good. But Nacht completely goes against that idea. He does good as a way of punishing himself for once being bad and he doesn't want anyone forgiving him.

It's tragic to see a character not feel deserving of something. But then it's heartwarming when they still get it because they don't need to deserve it and they need it in order to heal. To me, unconditional love and forgiveness will always be better than having to earn forgiveness.

To make a long post short: my love for Nacht redeems him of being a stupid complex and angsty character.