#i'm fucking 18 and all i ever hear is that people are dying and NOBODY cares

[butimjustaliar]

i still dont know whether guilt tripping people into donating to those in need is completely the wrong course of action or the only right one

[jellybean-supreme]

My Student.

Description:

Silva has been attacked by a burned one and is sit in his office slowly dying bc the soldiers can't find the burned one so a group of his students including you go out to find it and are very successful and Silva healing very quickly when they all come back and he's putting his shirt back on

"You're all a bunch of idiots, stupid impulsive reckless idiots," He says, getting up and approaching the group of students.

I'm just saying I don't really ship Sky and Riven, but I was like, why not try it, so yea. If you don't like it, leave. And there is definitely going to smut/lemon.

I Love You

Silva has been attacked by a burned one and is sit in his office slowly dying because the soldiers can't find the burned one so a group of his students including you go out to find it and are very successful and Silva healing very quickly when they all come back and he's putting his shirt back on

"Your all a bunch of idiots, stupid impulsive reckless idiots" He says getting up and approaching the group of students

"That's a new way to thanks." I mutter to myself hoping that nobody hears. I've been trying to make Saul Silva notice me for a while, I've had a crush on him since I joined the school. I've tried getting over my crush on him, but it won't go away. It's a real pain in my fucking ass.

*Saul heard you*

Excuse me who are you talking to? *He said turning to face you and the others look shocked that you'd talk back to him*

"No one" I say trying not to roll my eyes, who did it look like i was talking to a fucking ghost?

*Saul stops Infront of you and puts his hands behind his back*

No need to have an attitude, Miss *He's very close to you* what your name?

"I don't have an attitude. And my name is Y/n." I reply

*He's studying you as he moves around you to get a good look at you*

How old are you, Y/n?

"I'm 18" I say annoyed

*He stops behind you, his eyes on your body*

One of the youngest here, why did you transfer here?

"Because the headmistress asked me to." I say not wanting to discuss this in front of other people who i didn't know well.

*He hums behind you, his eyes on your curves which the uniform hugged perfectly*

And why did she ask you to transfer here, sweetheart?

"That's none of your business. " I say wanting to get out of here.

*He gently takes your chin and turns your face to look at him*

Everything that happens here is my business sweetheart, even you. Now, why did she ask you to move here?

"Like i said. Its. None. Of. Your. Business." i said with a more serious tone as I leave his office annoyed. The students who were there with me in his office gasped in surprise that anyone would talk back to Silva.

*He looks at you leave as he stays stood there in shock after you'd spoke to him that way, something no one had ever done before. He looked back at the others and ordered them all to leave too. He stood in the office for a moment, thinking of you. Something had come over him when he saw you, he didn't know why he was attracted to you*

*Later in the night Saul's is sat at his desk doing paperwork*

*He thought of you again, wondering who you were and why he was feeling such a strong attraction to you. He tried to concentrate on his work but he couldn't. He looked at the clock and saw it was getting late and knew that if he stayed here he wouldn't get any rest so he tidied his desk and got up. He headed out of his office and locked the door before walking through the empty halls*

*As he walked he thought of what you said to him, you where a first year yet you spoke back to him. No one had ever made Saul so confused before. He saw you as a sweet young girl who should be respectful and polite but there was an attitude and something else there too. A fire? A spark? He shook his head thinking no, that couldn't be it. Yet the way you spoke back to him and the look in your eyes made him shiver at the thought. It was strange how you had this effect on him*

*As he continued walking towards his living quarters he saw a door slightly open and heard a small sniffle coming from the room. He knew he should walk away and not get involved but the urge to know what the sound was compelled him to go over and open the door. It was the first years changing rooms, where were girls changed into their uniforms for school, but who and why was someone in here at this time of night?*

He walked inside and heard another sniffle from the end of the hall. He walked into that room to see you sat on the floor, your knees pulled up to your chest and your head buried in your knees. He didn't expect to see you there in the late hours of the night, but he couldn't help and think seeing you looking so vulnerable and small made his heart ache and his stomach flutter. He slowly walked over towards you and knelt in front of you

"Are you alright?" Silva asked quietly, trying not to startle or scare you.

You were so in your own world and wrapped up in your own feelings that you gasped and jumped slightly when you saw him. The sight of him made your heart skip a beat and a shiver go down your spine. You tried to wipe away any tears that might be on your face whilst avoiding his gaze

"Y-yeah, I'm fine..."

He could tell you were lying and put his hand under your chin and lifted your face to look at him

"Don't lie to me, sweetheart. Something's troubling you, tell me what is it?"

Your stomach fluttered as he put his hand under your chin and lifted your head, forcing you to look into his eyes. You weren't used to the nickname either and it made your head fuzzy

"It's nothing, I just....It's nothing."

Tears came to your eyes again, and you let out a shaky breath to try and keep them from falling

The look in your eyes, the way your bottom lip quivered as you tried to hold back tears made his heart ache. He couldn't stand to see you upset, he pulled you forwards into his chest and wrapped his arms around you, gently stroking your hair

"It's not nothing sweetheart, tell me what's got you so worked up at this time of night"

"I'm scared." i finally admit. "I'm scared they'll find me. I don't want to go back."

His heart aches again when he hears your afraid voice come out. He tightens his hold on you and pulls you onto his lap, cradling you against him. His hand moved from your hair down to your hip to pull you onto his lap more. He spoke gently, wanting you to feel safe in his arms

"Who's going to find you, sweetheart?"

"My 'family'" I reply shivering at the thought of them.

He noticed the shiver that went down your body as you spoke of your 'family' and his frown deepened as he held you tighter to his chest

"What did they do, sweetheart? What's got you so afraid of them?"

I don't reply. I want to. But how do I know I can trust him? I don't want to go back to them. I can't. I'd rather walk into the forest and get killed by a burned one.

A few minutes have passed, I'm still not saying anything. I'm just crying out all the tears i can.

He can see you going through so many emotions, you were fighting with yourself whether to talk to him or keep it to yourself, but he wants to know how to comfort you and keep you safe. He just quietly holds you against his chest letting you get all your tears out, he's trying to keep him emotions in check, but seeing you like this, being so vulnerable, he had to hold back the urge to take you away and protect you, to keep you somewhere safe and never let you go. He tried to keep calm and keep his head level

"They- They'd torture me. They would catch a burned one and let it scratch me then cut me while I'm tied to a chair, though when they'd see I'm close to death they'd kill the burned one and wait for me to heal a little before doing it again." I finally tell him as I'm trying not to start crying again.

His heart shattered when he heard what you had been through. His eyes darkened and an anger he hasn't felt in a long time filled his system. His arms around you tightened as he pulled you closer against him, protectively. How anyone could do that to another person, let alone you, such a sweet wonderful girl, it filled his body with rage and the urge to keep you safe and away from anybody who would hurt you

"Why? Why would they do such horrible things to you?"

"I-I do-don't know-w" I reply shakily

He slowly and gently rocks you back and forth as you sat on his lap in his arms, his hold on you strong and protective. He buried his nose into your hair, taking in all your scent, it helped a little to calm his anger, but the rage within him still raged wanting to get his hands on your so called 'family'. He lifted his head to look down at you

"How long has this been going on?"

"Since I was 4" I say as I cry again

His heart aches even more when he hears you say that. How could anyone do that to a child? How dare they torture you in such a manner. He held you tighter, his hand moving up and down your back to soothe you, he didn't know what to do or say, he could just hold you and hope that was enough to provide some comfort. He had to ask one more question, he was terrified of what the answer could be but he had to know

"14 Years? This has been going on for 14 years?"

I nod crying into his chest harder.

*He could feel your tears staining his shirt but he didn't care. He moved a hand up to your head and began threading his fingers through your hair slowly, it was all he could do to make you feel calm*

"They can't get to you here, sweetheart. I won't let them get you. I'll protect you, I promise."

*He let you cry all the tears you needed until you were finally able to calm down and stop. All the while he held you against his chest and comforted you with gentle caresses as he continued to rock you a little. He could feel his shirt completely wet with your tears, but it didn't matter to him. He only cared about the feeling of your body against his as he held you closely with no desire to let go*

2 hours have passed since Saul told me they can't get me and I'm so tired, I'm still crying, but not as much or hard as before. I feel as if I'm going to fall asleep in his arms any minute.

*He could feel you go limp against him as you slowly started to fall asleep, his shirt was still wet from the tears you had shed, but he didn't care. His heart still ached for you as he looked down at your tired face, your eyes slowly starting to flutter shut as you were on the verge of sleeping. He thought about what to do. He didn't want you to move and wake up, but you needed rest and a bed would be better than the cold floor*

*He slowly moved to get up, still holding you against him, your whole body weight on him, you were completely limp in his arms from being so tired. He slowly and carefully stood up with you in his arms and continued to hold you close, your head resting on his shoulder as he slowly started to walk out if the room towards his office. He walked through his office and into the adjoining room, a bedroom, and slowly lay you down on the bed carefully so as not to wake you up. He stood looking down at you for a moment, before he slowly sat on the edge of the bed beside you*

*He stayed sat next to you as he looked down at you sleeping peacefully with a small frown on your face. He wanted to wipe away the frown, to take away any nightmare or bad thought you may be having right now. He slowly laid down on the bed next to you, one arm under his head and the other pulling you close against him, making sure to be gentle so as not to wake you up. He held you in the crook of his arm, your head against his shoulder and your body pressed against his as he slowly started to drift off to sleep too*

*He was woken up a couple of hours later to the feeling of you moving around next to him. He slowly opens his eyes and looks down at you, your back to his chest, his arm around you keeping you close to him. He could feel you moving around a little, your whole body wriggling against him. He slowly tightens his arm around you, trying not to startle you but to let you know he's here with you*

*His touch was enough to make you slowly stop all your movements and stop you from waking up properly. You subconsciously moved back into his chest, trying to get as close as possible to him while you were still asleep. He gently and slowly moved his hand to start rubbing your arm gently as you started to slowly wake up*

*He continued to rub your arm gently as your eyes slowly started to flutter open. As you slowly became aware of your surroundings you felt yourself against a firm, muscular chest and you could feel an arm around you, holding you against the chest. You looked down at the arm around you and realized it was Silva's arm. The memories from the night before slowly came back to you and you quickly remember you fell asleep in his arms*

"I'm sorry...." I say quietly feeling bad about what happened last night.

*He slowly stopped rubbing your arm as he heard you whisper an apology, he could hear the guilt in your voice. He knew you had no reason to be sorry but he knew you'd feel bad anyway. He slowly moved his body and shifted so he was laying on his back so he could look down at you next to him*

"There's nothing to apologize for, sweetheart."

*He could see how guilty you looked. He hated seeing that look on your face. The thought of you feeling guilty was making his chest ache. He moved his hand so his fingers could thread through your hair and gently massaging your scalp, trying to soothe you and calm you a little*

"No more apologies, alright?"

"Can you just forget what i told you last night?" I ask him wishing i never told him anything.

*He frowns slightly at your request. Why would he want to forget what you told him last night? You confided in him. Trusted him. How could he forget that?*

"No sweetheart, I won't forget what you told me last night. Why would you want me to?"

"Please?" I beg him softly, my voice quiet.

*He can hear the pleading in your voice and he's tempted to give in and say he'll forget it but he can't. He won't. He couldn't. How could he forget something so important. He gently pulled you up farther onto him until your face was level with his, your body now completely on top of his*

"Why do you want me to forget, sweetheart?"

"Because you'll be nice, then pity me, saying you'll help and protect me then leave me the second i need you. I cant do that again. Please? Please, I'm begging you. Just forget about me and what i told you." I ask quietly.

*It broke his heart hearing your broken voice and hearing the pain in your words. You'd given up. You thought he'd leave you the second you asked for help. That was never going to happen. Over his dead body was he going to leave you alone and let you fend for yourself. No. You'd be safe with him and that was final*

"I will never leave you alone. I won't forget what you told me. I won't ignore it. You're never being left alone again."

"Why can't you just do what i ask?" I mutter to him

*He could hear the pleading in your voice again, along with irritation. He let out a sigh and brought his hand back over to gently hold your chin between his thumb and forefinger, so you were looking directly into his eyes*

"Because I won't forget. I can't. You confided in me sweetheart. You trusted me enough to tell me what happened to you. I'll always remember that. I won't forget it and I won't do what you ask."

"They'll find me. And they *will* kill you to get to me."

*He clenched his jaw and anger built up again at the sound of your words. His anger wasn't directed at you, it was at your 'family'. He knew you were most likely correct about what you had said. But he wasn't worried about himself. He could handle himself. He was more worried about you and the fact they'd try take you back*

"They won't find you and they won't get near you. I won't let them and I will protect you."

"They'll kill you. Then me. If their feeling generous." I say knowing they wont kill me immediately, they'd probably torture me for how long i was gone then kill me.

*He clenched his jaw so hard his teeth started to hurt. If they did get their hands on you, the thought that they would torture you again before killing you nearly made him lose his cool. He quickly calmed himself and looked you directly in the eyes, his own staring into your soul*

"They. Won't. Touch. You. Do you hear me? I won't let them near you, sweetheart"

I nod not believing him. "Can I go know? I have fairy class in 20 minutes and specialist training in 50 minutes." I say wanting to get ready for class before I'm to late. and yes. I'm both. I don't want to be seem as weak when I'm too drained to fight without my powers so I'm doing both.

*He could see the lack of belief in your eyes. He knew it would take time for you to realise he wasn't going to leave you alone. He also noticed that change of subject from talking about your 'family' to classes. He slowly released your chin from his grip and just let his hand rest on your face*

"Fine you can go, but later we're continuing this conversation, understand?"

i nod. Getting up and heading to my room, luckily i didn't need to share with anyone.

*He couldn't help but watch as you climbed off him and off the bed. He stayed laying on the bed for a moment, his eyes trained on you as you walked out of the room and into your own before he finally got up himself, running his fingers through his hair as he tried to control his emotions*

*He walked into his office and settled at his desk, he sat down and tried to continue with his work, but he couldn't concentrate. Thoughts of you were clouding his mind, what had you told him last night just kept playing through his head*

*He sat at his desk for God knows how long, still trying and failing to concentrate. When that didn't work he gave up and just sat with his fingers tapping the desk. Thoughts of you still going through his head, he couldn't get you out of his head. Suddenly images of you being tortured and hurt came to his mind and he let out an irritated growl and got up from the desk, not able to sit and concentrate any longer*

*He stormed out of his office and slowly started walking down the hallway, the sound of his footsteps echoing around with how fast he was walking. His thoughts still going over every single thing you had told him, he clenching his jaw and gritting his teeth at the thought of anybody laying hands on you, wanting to find your 'family' and hurt them for what they had down to you*

*He continued walking down the hallway, he passed a few people but he either didn't notice them or ignored them. He was just on a mission to try and work out his thoughts. Suddenly he stopped in his tracks as an idea entered his head. He looked around and quickly started making his way to a certain room*

*He made his way to a training room. As he walked inside he was relieved to see nobody was in there. That was exactly what he needed. He made his way to the middle of the room, took his gun out of its holster on his hip and placed it on a table near him*

*He slowly rolled up the sleeves of his shirt to his elbows and then stretched his arms and neck muscles before he began throwing punches in the air. Each time he threw a punch he imagined it was the face of one of your 'family' members. The thought made him angry and each punch got more and more violent as he began to work himself into a rage*

*He kept up his punching, going over and over again. Every punch was fueled by rage at your 'family'. He wanted to find them and hurt them for even laying a hand on you. He continued punching the air for another 10 minutes, sweat starting to drip from his forehead, breathing slightly labored but he continued to punch the air with every ounce of strength he had*

He didn't stop not even when Sky and I came looking for him, since he was late for training, which has never happened before. "Saul." Sky says trying to get his attention.

*He didn't stop what he was doing, he kept throwing punches, breathing heavily as he continued to work through his anger. Then he heard a voice speak behind him. His mind was so focused on the punching and thoughts of your 'family' , he hadn't even noticed someone come into the room. He stopped and turned around to find Sky and you standing there*

*When he saw you and Sky standing there he suddenly realized that he had completely lost track of time. He quickly looked at his watch and realized he was extremely late for your training session. A flash of guilt crossed his face at the thought of how worried you must have been for him to be so late but it quickly disappeared as his eyes landed on you. His mind still going over the things you had told him last night, he had been unable to stop thinking about it all day*

"Sorry, I didn't notice the time. Let's not waste anymore time." Saul says leaving the room immediately before we could even ask him what's wrong.

*He walked out of the training room quickly and started walking down the hallway. He could faintly hear the sound of footsteps behind him but ignored it, he just wanted to get this training session over and done with. He was still angry but was doing his best to try and keep it under control for now*

*He continued walking down the halls, soon arriving at the training arena. He walked over to it and quickly sat down on the steps, not bothering to look behind him to see if Sky and you were there yet or not. He just kept his eyes on the arena in front of him, his thoughts once again going to you and your 'family' and how much he wanted to hurt them for what they had done to you*

*He could faintly hear footsteps coming into the arena behind him and turned his head slightly to look behind him. His eyes quickly caught sight of you and Sky walking towards him. His eyes lingered on you for a moment before he suddenly turned forward and began getting up, wanting to prepare for the session as quickly as he could to get it over with*

*He stood up to face you and Sky, trying his best to keep his face neutral. His eyes met yours and he could see how worried you looked, he hated that he had worried you but he had been so caught up in his anger he had lost track of time*

*His eyes continued looking at you for a moment before he suddenly realised he was staring and quickly turned his attention to Sky, trying to look and act as normal as he could and not give away the thoughts that had been going through his head all day*

"COME ON EVERYONE, WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE. START TRAINING." Saul screams making everyone start training.

*He continued standing and watching everyone go through their exercises, he tried to watch everyone else but his attention kept drifting towards you as you went through the training. He couldn't help but keep glancing over at you but he tried his best to not make it too obvious*

*He continued watching everyone's training, his eyes drifting over to you every so often. He was having a hard time trying to focus on what everyone was doing, his mind continued to drift back to the thoughts of you that had been going through his head all day, and of your 'family'. The thought of them just made his anger rise all over again, and his hands clenched into fists without realizing*

He needed to find them and make them pay. How could they hurt you ?And for 14 years? There is nothing in this world that someone can do to deserve that kind of treatment.

*He continued to watch and observe the training. He was trying to stay normal but his thoughts were going rampant, constantly going back to the fact you had been abused by your 'family' almost your whole life with nobody to protect you. That thought alone made his blood boil and the anger rise up again as his mind went through the different ways he could make them pay for what they had done to you*

Without realizing it, training was finished and Saul still sat there watching the arena with a blank face.

*He hadn't even realized the training was over. He was lost in his thoughts and when he suddenly noticed that everyone had stopped and were starting to leave the arena that was when he realized training was over. He quickly snapped back to reality and tried to clear his mind of all his angry and rage-fueled thoughts and put on a normal expression as he stood up from the steps*

'I need to go talk to her' Saul thought to himself.

*He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down as much as possible. His thoughts slowly started to clear as he began to control his anger. He clenched his hand into a fist for a moment before releasing, trying to relieve some of the tension. He then looked around and spotted you just leaving the arena. He quickly started walking towards you*

*He walked quickly to try and catch up with you, calling your name to try and get your attention. Luckily for him he managed to catch up to you at the end of the corridor, quickly coming to a stop in front of you, blocking your path*

"Hello Sir, can I help you with something?" I ask.

*His eyes widened in surprise at the formal way you had just spoken to him. He didn't like it. He suddenly felt the urge to pull you closer and hear you say his name, but he ignored it. He needed to talk to you about something*

"Sweetheart, we need to talk"

"Alright, Sir." I say as he leads me to his office.

*He felt his chest ache at your formal tone. It felt wrong. He missed the more casual and casual and carefree way you used to talk to him, but he ignored it. He led you to his office, opening the door and holding it open so you could go in first, then followed you and closed the door behind him*

*He walked over to his desk, going and sitting down on his chair, gesturing for you to sit in front of him. He waited until you were seated before he spoke*

"There's something I need to ask you, sweetheart"

"Alright?" I reply back curious to what he was going to ask, hoping it didn't have anything to do with what you were speaking about last night.

*He looked you you directly in the eye, his expression serious*

"Do you stand by what you said?"

I look at him confused. "Which part?"

*His eyes hardened slightly as he sat forward, his eyes not leaving yours*

"That nobody has looked out for you. That nobody has protected you."

"Yes. I stand by what I said." I reply, why would I lie about something like that? Why would he believe that i would lie to him about something that serious.

*He clenched his jaw at your answer, his mind trying to keep control as anger slowly started to rise again. He tried to keep his expression calm as he thought over what else you had told him*

"And what about you being abused?"

"Ok, I'm leaving. I'm not just going to sit here and tell someone about my past and then have them question me about what I said. Especially when they sound like they don't believe me." I say getting up. I might just be overreacting, but he's asking me if I'm standing by i said, like I'm someone who would say one thing now then later say something else entirely. I'm not doing this, i think to myself as i get up.

*His eyes widened as he saw you get up to leave, panic immediately going through him. He quickly got up from his chair and came to stand in front of you, blocking your way to the door*

"No sweetheart, wait, I didn't mean it like that"

"Then what else did you mean?" I question him

*He let out a frustrated sigh and looked down at the floor for a moment before looking back at you*

"I didn't mean it like I don't believe you. That's not what I was trying to say. I never doubted for a second that you'd lie about something like this sweetheart"

"Then why question me about the same thing I've already told you about?" I ask a I keep my voice cold and steady.

*He let out another frustrated sigh at your question, his mind thinking back to his thoughts from earlier. How nobody had protected you, how nobody had ever defended you when you had been abused*

"Because I couldn't bear it" *He paused for a moment before he continued* " I couldn't bear the thought of what you went through. The thought that nobody has ever protected you or looked after you. And the fact you had to suffer for so long alone"

I smile. It's so sweet of him. I hope he's not just saying this to make me stay.

*It broke his heart at the sight of the small smile on your face. He hated thinking about all the terrible things you had gone through. He let out a soft sigh and gently cupped your face with his hand*

"I want to ask you something, sweetheart"

I slightly finch when he touches me, but then relax into his hands. "Yes?" I ask him quietly.

*He noticed the flinch when he had touched you but smiled softly as you relaxed into his touch, he kept his hand where it is, gently holding your face. He paused for a moment, his eyes staring into yours as he spoke*

"And I want you to be honest with me"

I nod.

*He couldn't help but relax a little bit at your nod, but then quickly became serious as he prepared himself to ask you a difficult question*

"You said you've never been with anybody before, correct?"

"This is the first time I've been able to escape, so yes." I half lie to him. Technically I've never been with someone I've wanted to.

*He nodded in response but then looked at you for a moment, he could faintly see a lie in your eyes. Like maybe you weren't telling him the full truth. He took a moment to think before he continued*

"And this might be a difficult question to answer. I'm going to ask you something and I need you to be completely honest with me, can you do that, sweetheart?"

I nod again, hoping that he didn't notice my previous lie.

*He noticed the nod and relaxed slightly*

"Have you ever... had anyone lay a hand on you? Force themselves on you and make you do something you didn't want?"

I hesitate, all i do is nod, knowing if i try to say or make a lie he'll definetly notice this time.

*His heart dropped as he saw your hesitant nod, his hand holding your face gently tightening slightly. He took a deep breath and tried to control his anger as he continued*

"Can I ask another question, sweetheart?"

"Yes" I mutter just wanting him to stop asking me questions about topics i don't want to discuss.

*He paused for a moment before he began his next question, his grip on your face tightening slightly more. His eyes searching yours as he spoke*

"Have you ever tried to stop them from touching you?"

"What kind of question is that! Do you really think that I wanted to be touch and raped! Why would any woman or man who has been raped not try to stop it from happening?!" I scream at him angrily. How dare he ask that! Who would ever want to be touched by someone they didn't want to touch them.

*He froze for a moment in shock at your reaction before he slowly retracted his hand that was on your face, feeling guilty for asking that question to you. He kept his eyes glued on yours as he spoke*

"No, I know, I didn't mean it like that. I never thought you wanted it. I just wanted to know if you ever tried to get them off you, like if you tried to defend yourself"

"OF COURSE! AGAIN WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT? DO YOU REALLY THINK I WANTED TO BE TOUCHED AND RAPED MY DAD AND BROTHER? AND UNCELS? WHO THE FUCKI WOULDN'T TRY AND STOP IT. OF COURSE I GO BEAT AND TORTURED ME WHEN I DID THAT BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN THAT I DIDNT TRY TO STOP IT." I scream at him. How dare he have the audacity to ask something like that.

*Saul stood stunned and silent in front of you as you yelled at him, his eyes widened and heart clenching at your words. He couldn't help the guilt that rose up inside him as he listened to you. Once you finished screaming he slowly reached out with his hand to touch you again but this time you flinched away from him, making him stop in his tracks and look at you, guilt and pain going through him*

*He couldn't help the pang of hurt he felt as you flinched away from him, but he couldn't blame you, not after the questions he had just asked. He stared at you for a moment, completely speechless from everything you had just told him. His mind went into a frenzy thinking about all the things you had told him, processing the pain and trauma you had went through in your life*

After i flinched away from him i see the hurt in his eyes, but i ignore it and get up leaving his office and heading to my dorm.

*As you left the room he continued to stand there frozen in a state of shock. He slowly looked up from the spot on the floor he had been staring at as he heard the dorm room door shut behind you. He finally started to come back to reality, guilt and sadness overcoming him as he realised what he had just done to you. He knew what he had done wrong, but he didn't know how he was going to fix this and make it up to you*

How would he fix this? He didn't know what to do. Who could he even ask for advice? Is there even someone who would know anything about you? How is he supposed to fic this? He fucked it up this time beyond repair.

*He slowly walked back over to his chair and slumped down on it, burying his head in his hands in pure guilt and frustration. He couldn't stop the thoughts that ran through his mind, about what he had done to you, how much he had hurt you and how much he was to blame for it. He knew what he did was wrong and he knew asking you those questions would hurt you but he did it anyway. He couldn't blame you for reacting like that. He would have done the same if he were in your shoes*

*He stayed there for a while, deep in thought about everything when he suddenly heard a knock on the office door. In any other situation he would answer or call out and tell whoever was on the other side to come in, but his mind was completely occupied with thoughts about you. He was about to just ignore the knock and stay as he was when suddenly he heard a voice come through the door*

"Hey, Saul? You in there?" Sky called from behind the door, followed by another knock. Saul immediately recognized the voice to be Sky's. He slowly lifted his head up from his hands but said nothing, not sure whether he was in the right mind to talk to anyone at the moment*

"Yea. Come on in" Saul says.

*Sky slowly opened the door upon hearing Saul give the go ahead to come into the office. He carefully stepped inside, taking a moment to look around the room before his eyes landed on Saul. He silently observed Saul's current state, noticing the expression on his face and the tired look in his eyes*

"You okay?" Sky asked, walking over closer to him*

"Yes, I'm good. Did you need something?" Saul lies casually, not wanting Sky to worry about his problems.

*Sky eyed Saul as he nodded to his question, looking unconvinced by his answer. He sat down on a chair opposite Saul's desk, his eyes never leaving him as he spoke*

"Are you sure? You don't seem okay, you look like something's bugging you. I can tell that something's up Saul, don't try and lie to me"

"It's nothing to worry about Sky. It's school stuff." Saul once again lies.

*Sky raised an eyebrow at Saul's excuse, clearly not convinced by his answer. He leaned back on his seat on the chair, keeping his eyes locked on Saul*

"Please don't bullshit me Saul, I can tell something's bothering you. And it's not school stuff. You're a terrible liar Saul, you know that?"

"Actually I'd say I'm pretty good at lying" Saul replies.

*Sky let out a scoff as he heard Saul's response, shaking his head in disbelief. He was amused at how terrible Saul was at lying*

"Oh you may think you're good, but trust me man you're not fooling anyone. You can keep trying to lie and avoid telling me what's wrong, but you're not going to fool me"

"What did you want Sky." Saul says wanting to stop this back and forth talk with Sky.

*Sky let out a sigh at Saul's stubbornness, he knew he couldn't force him to speak but he also wanted for his father figure to tell him what's wrong. After a moment of silence he replied*

"I wanted to ask you about something but then I came in and saw you in your current state and now I'm more curious to find out what the hell is bothering you"

"Fine! Since you won't stop. It's a girl. I messed up really fucking bad. Like beyond repair fuck up." Saul replies a little bit annoyed

*Sky's eyes widened in surprise when he heard Saul mention that it was a girl. He didn't expect a response like that from him, especially in his current state. He was also surprised to hear the annoyance in Saul's voice and the hint of anger*

"A girl? Beyond repair bad? How the hell did you mess things up that badly?"

"So this girl told me something yesterday, and today i asked her about it, but i guess i made it sound like i didn't believe her, and she started to get annoyed at me, but instead of noticing i didn't ask her the right way i asked her another question and it sound way worse than the previous one and she said this, not in these words but yea, 'Fuck this, I'm not going to sit here and tell you stuff about me and have you question me as if you don't believe me' , then I told her i didn't mean it like that. and she didn't leave." Saul says taking a deep breathe about to continue before Sky speaks.

*Sky listened intently as Saul told him what had happened, his eyes widening further as he heard how the conversation between him and you went down. He let out a sigh, surprised at Saul's stupidity*

"Damn, you really messed up didn't you?"

"Just wait. I haven't even finished." Saul replies

"Ok so after I apologized to her telling her i didn't mean it that way and saying how i actually meant it. I asked her another question...........This one being even worse and more accusing than the other and it was a really fucked up question and she answered it and then I asked her about what she answered and it sounded even worse, she got angry and left and didn't even listen to my apology that I didn't have. I don't have an apology, I don't know how the fuck I'm supposed to fix this." Saul finishes sighing angrily and annoyed at himself.

*Sky sat there almost in a state of shock after Saul had finished his story, his eyes widened as he was processing everything he'd just heard. He was speechless for a moment, staring at Saul, then finally spoke*

"You're a goddamn idiot."

"What am I supposed to do? I don't want to buy something and make it look like I'm buying her back? If you get what i mean. And on the other hand I want to tell her everything I'm thinking and how i didn't mean it to sound like that, and that i was actually only trying to understand how someone could do those things and how bad they hurt her so that when i find them i can make them hurt as much as they made her hurt, but that would also involve me telling her i might like her, no screw that love her, but i don't know if she can handle that." Saul rants hoping Sky could help him.

Sky listened intently as Saul began his rant, his eyes watching him and hearing the way he spoke about you. He could sense the guilt, love and desperation in his tone. After thinking about it for a moment, he finally spoke in reply to Saul

"Alright firstly, let me ask you something. And I don't want you to bullshit me, okay?"

Saul nods.

*Sky paused for a moment, his eyes staring intently at Saul before he spoke*

"Be honest with me Saul, what exactly is your relationship with this girl? What do you think of her? The complete truth"

"I love her. I don't think we really have a relationship, i mean i don't think we're friends, but she's one of my students, one of your classmates, and after i found her crying and telling me everything about herself, i also got to know her better when we'd have small conversations when we'd see each other in the haul, but that was before i caught her crying, after that which was yesterday she's been kind of ignoring me, so i called her into my office, and well you know the rest." Saul explains

*Sky was surprised for a moment when Saul confessed that he loved you, but after quickly regaining his thoughts he listened as Saul continued to explain, nodding his head in understanding. He let out a sigh before he spoke again*

"Okay. So let me get this straight, you love a student of yours, who you aren't necessarily friends with, and after finding her crying and knowing more about her, you have the bright idea of interrogating her?"

"I didn't mean it to sound or look like an interrogation, i want to know who i could help her. She's had people who ask about it and their going to help, but when she needs them they eave, i don want to be like them. I want to help her.

*Sky sighs again, rubbing his temple from frustration and disbelief from Saul's explanation*

"The way you did it sounded and looked like an interrogation. And you shouldn't have asked her questions like that in the first place. You can't just ask a person questions about their past traumas like that, especially when their clearly a sensitive topic"

"I know...I should have just kept quite. I don't know how to fix this Sky. How do I fix this? I just wanted to help her. How do i fix this. I don't want her to hate me." Saul says with tears in his eyes.

Seeing this made Sky worried, this is the first time he's seen his father figure show this strong emotion.

*Seeing tears in Saul's eyes made Sky's heart sink. He had never seen Saul in such a state before and it worried him, and Saul's words made him feel even worse. He had come here to ask a question but now this conversation had been pushed to the side and he now had to worry about Saul's emotional state*

"Okay okay just calm down, I'm sure something can be done about this. You won't lose her, okay?" *Sky spoke, trying to calm Saul down*

"How do you know that?" Saul questions tryin to hide his sadness. The last thing he wanted was to look weak in front of Sky.

*Sky gave Saul a sympathetic look when he saw him trying to hide his sadness*

"Saul, you're completely smitten with this girl. It's so obvious that you really care for her. If you give it time and explain yourself properly, she'll forgive you, I'm sure she'll understand"

"How do i explain and apologize to her if she will definitely ignore and avoid me?" Saul asks

*Sky paused for a moment, thinking over Saul's question before replying*

"You'll have to give her space and time to calm down. She definitely won't want to hear you apologize immediately after what you did. Let her cool down, she'll come around to talking to you in like a day or 2"

"Ok..........." Saul says sighing. "What did you need Sky?" Saul ask remembering Sky wanted to ask him something.

*Sky's expression shifted from sympathy to annoyance and mild frustration as Saul's question reminded him of his original reason for coming to his office*

"You and your one track mind" *he mumbled under his breath before speaking up again* "Anyway, I came here to ask you something"

"What did you want to ask Sky?" Saul asks curiously.

*Sky got up from the chair he was sitting on, standing in front of Saul's desk as he spoke up again*

"It's about something important. I need your opinion on something"

"Ok...ask away." Saul replies

Sky paused for a moment, thinking it over before finally speaking

"I uh...well I want to talk about the fact that I have a crush on someone"

"Ohhh little 'I'm never getting a girlfriend cause they have cooties' has a crush." Saul teases. Though he didn't realize that Sky wasn't talking about a girl.

Sky raised an eyebrow at Saul's tease, rolling his eyes at the comment but knowing it was meant in a playful manner

"Shut up you dumbass. Anyway it's not a girl and this is serious, so I want your honest advice for once"

"Oh sorry, let me rephrase. Oohhhh little Mr. 'I'm not ever going to get someone, that's gross'" Saul teases Sky even more.

Sky let out an annoyed groan and rolled his eyes again, unamused by Saul's teasing

"For the love of god Saul can you not be a complete dumbass for once. This is serious"

"Ok sorry, continue. You have a crush?" Saul says

Sky sighed in relief when Saul finally stopped his teasing

"Yeah...and I need your opinion. Advice. Whatever you've got to give me"

"Alright, lay it on me."

Sky paused for a moment, hesitating to speak, a worried expression on his face as he tried to find the right words to say

"So how should I say this...I have a crush on someone, they're really close to me" he paused "and I've known them for years"

"Ok....? And have you just started liking them or have you liked them for awhile? And how can i help you with it? What type of advice do you need?" Saul asks unsure how he could help Sky.

Sky paused for a moment thinking over Saul's questions, looking a little bit nervous as he thought

"Well...they're a really close friend of mine, and we know each other pretty well. I uh haven't started liking them recently...I've probably had feelings for them for years now, but I've never had the courage to tell them"

He paused, thinking of how to say his next statement

"The thing is...there's a problem with this"

Saul nods, gesturing for Sky to continue.

Sky swallowed, looking increasingly worried as he continued to speak

"Well...the person I have a crush on is..."

He trailed off, taking a breath and looking at Saul to see how he would react

"The person I have a crush on.....is a man..."

Sky admitted, hoping Saul would react well

"Sky, I don't know if you were to nervous to notice this, but you already told me that they weren't a girl. I fully support you Sky. Now, how what advice did you want from me?" Saul tells Sky, He probably forgot the entire '"Ohhh little 'I'm never getting a girlfriend cause they have cooties' has a crush." "Shut up you dumbass. Anyway it's not a girl and this is serious, so I want your honest advice for once"'

Sky paused for a moment, looking almost dumbfounded for a moment as he suddenly remembered that he had told Saul that it wasn't a girl, and then remembered Saul's teasing from before. He blushed a little in embarrassment and rolled his eyes, letting out an annoyed sigh

"Right...yeah I kinda forgot about that part"

Saul chuckles. "So who is this person? And how can I help you?" Saul asks still chuckling at Sky's forgetfulness

Sky's blush darkened, embarrassed at his own forgetfulness. Saul's chuckle annoyed him a little bit, but he ignored it for the moment

"It's...a little complicated. And you'd be a little surprised to know who it is"

Saul looked a little bit curious, raising an eyebrow as he saw how nervous Sky was. He was wondering who the person could be that would make him so embarrassed like this

"Well, don't leave me in suspense. Who is it? I promise I won't tease too much"

Sky paused for a moment, hesitating. The fact that Saul promised not to tease him too much wasn't much comfort, but he knew that Saul would probably tease regardless. He swallowed nervously as he slowly spoke up

"...promise you won't laugh or be mad?"

"Yes, I promise Sky." Saul says.

"It's- It's my roommate, Riven." Sky says hesitantly.

Saul stayed silent as Sky spoke, his mind processing the words. Suddenly a sly smile spread across his face, clearly amused

"Wow. I never expected that he would be the person you have a crush on...Riven??"

"But I can tell you that he is in fact into guys and most definitely likes you back, especially with the way he stares at you." Saul adds

Sky's expression changed to surprise and embarrassment, his cheeks tinged with a slight blush. He never thought that Riven might like him back, and now it seemed like Saul could see the way Riven looked at him too

"What do you mean 'with the way he stares at me'? Does he really do that?" he blurted out

"Yeah, he literally stares at you like you stared at that puppy you wanted so bad. He literally looks at you with nothing but love, how did you not notice it?" Saul asks/tells Sky what he's observes

Sky's expression changed to a look of shock and embarrassment as Saul told him what he's noticed. He had never thought that Riven had looked at him like that, and now it all made sense. He had been completely ignorant to the way Riven looked at him. He paused for a moment before speaking up

"I...I never noticed it" he mumbled blushing furiously

Saul chuckled looking at Sky's embarrassed blushing face, before speaking again

"Damn, you're oblivious! The man looks at you like a lovesick puppy and you never noticed it"

"So when you going to confess?" Saul adds

Sky paused for a moment, the flush in his cheeks darkening a bit at Saul's question. He let out a nervous exhale, clearly embarrassed

"I'm...not sure. I wanna wait till he cools down a bit you know? He still seems kind of on edge from our conversation yesterday"

He paused, rubbing his temple, thinking

"What happened?" Saul asks

Sky sighed at the memory of the conversation and explained it to Saul

"Well, yesterday we were sitting in the living room and everything was fine. But then I jokingly pointed out about how he's been avoiding me and he got defensive. And then we had a small argument and he stormed off saying something about how he was tired and wanted to take a nap"

"Looks like we both suck at talking to the people we like" Saul chuckles before adding. "It's going to be ok Sky, He'll come around, just send him a text of give him a note saying to meet you somewhere and surprise him with a picnic and apologize, if you want."

Sky laughed slightly, taking Saul's advice into consideration

"I suppose you're right about that" he laughed "I'll think about doing something like that, but I'll have to wait a while for him to cool down first"

He paused for a moment

"And...thank you for helping me out and giving me advice. It really helped"

"That's what I'm here for." Saul says smiling. "Now unless you have more questions about how to tell him you like him, go to bed, it's almost midnight."

Sky smiled slightly and nodded, noticing how late it was

"Okay, I'll go to bed. But I guess I do have one last question"

He paused, waiting for Saul to listen intently before speaking again.

"Do you think...you think he'd actually accept my confession?" he mumbled, looking at Saul nervously

"I'm 99% sure he will and I'm only saying 99% sure because I dont want to jinx it, and as i said before, he literally looks at you like a love sike puppy." Saul says

Sky's face blushed again as Saul repeated what he said about the way Riven looked at him. He didn't realize that Riven looked at him with love and he couldn't help but feel embarrassed knowing his crush liked him too

"Right...I'll take your word for it, Night Saul"

"Good night Sky" Saul says as Sky leaves him in his office to his thoughts.

Sky and Riven's Pov. cus why not.

Sky left Saul's office, the door creaking as it slowly closed behind him. He let out a breath as he began walking down the hallway silently

He was a mess of thoughts now after talking to Saul, the thought that Riven might actually like him back was on his mind constantly and he couldn't help the faint blush that appeared on his cheeks

Eventually, he reached his room, twisting the door handle and slowly entering. Surprisingly, the lamp on Riven's bedside table was still on, an indication that he was still awake, and he was sitting on his bed, seemingly reading a book

As Sky entered the room, Riven looked up and saw him walking in. He spoke up, a hint of annoyance in his tone

"Finally back from whatever."

"I was talking to Saul, I needed his advice." Sky replies, not wanting Riven to think that he was seeing someone.

Riven simply nodded and hummed in response to Sky's explanation. He looked back down at his book, not fully looking at Sky. Sky could feel the distance between them and could sense the hint of irritation in Riven's response, knowing that he was still upset from their argument yesterday

"I'm sorry about yesterday, I was only joking around." Sky says quietly walking over to his bed as he takes off his shirt and laying down

Riven looks back up as Sky apologizes, his expression softening slightly at the sorry. As he watches Sky take off his shirt and sees his toned body, he quickly looks back down at his book, trying to hide the faint redness on his cheeks

"Uh...yeah...it's alright" he mumbled quietly, attempting to sound nonchalant

"I was wondering if you meet me at the barrier tomorrow?" Sky asks thinking about what Saul had suggested he should do.

Riven pauses as he hears Sky's question, looking up at him with a slightly confused expression

"The barrier? Why?" he asked curiously, wondering why Sky wanted to meet at the barrier

"It's the only place I can think of where people won't be" Sky says, but he felt so nervous so he added. "So no one can hear your screams" but after he said that he felt even more embarrassed because he didn't mean it in a sexual way. But before he can even fix what he said Riven spoke up.

As Sky said the last part about screams, Riven looked up at him with an entertained expression, his mouth twitching in a slight smirk, hiding a little chuckle, knowing exactly how it sounded

He looked at Sky with a raised eyebrow, amused

"Screams, huh?" he said in a teasing tone

"I didn't mean it like that, I meant that I was going to murder you, not in the way your thinking of." Sky stutters as his entire face changed to the color of a tomato.

Riven can't stop himself from chuckling at Sky's flustered look, the redness in his cheeks making him look cute to Riven. He sets his book down as he continues to tease Sky, a slight smirk on his face

"Are you sure you didn't mean it exactly like that, I wonder why you would say something like that" he says in a slightly seductive tone

Sky feeling slightly confident decided fuck it and flirted back. "And what would you say or do if i meant it exactly the way your thinking?"

Riven chuckled again as Sky gained a bit of confidence and decided to flirt back, amused by his statement. He couldn't help but feel a little flustered too at the boldness but tried to hide it. He looked at Sky with a sly expression

"Well if you did mean it like that, then I would do a lot of things to you" he said in a low, suggestive tone

"What kind of things?" Sky says in a soft seductive tone.

Riven's smirk widened at Sky's soft, seductive tone, feeling his heartbeat quicken from it. He tried to maintain his composure as he replied, trying to keep up with the flirting

"Lots of things. I'd do anything if you wanted me to..."

He said in a seductive tone, looking at Sky and biting his lip as he slowly got up from his bed and walked closer to Sky

"I would want you to show me and do everything you want to me." Sky whispers suggestively

Riven chuckles slightly again, loving how forward Sky was being right now. He gets even closer to Sky, only inches away from him, his body almost pressed up against him. He looked into Sky's eyes with a seductive smirk on his face, speaking in a low, seductive voice

"You want me to do everything I want to you? And you'd let me do anything, wouldn't you?"

"If it meant I could show you everything i wanted tomorrow." Sky flirts back

Riven's smirk widened more, liking how Sky was trying to tease him back. He chuckled slightly as he spoke, a hint of playful sarcasm in his voice

"Oh so you think you can tease me too, huh?" he teased as he put his hands on either side of Sky, pinning him against the wall

"You're being awfully naughty right now, what happened to being my little good boy?"

"Maybe he just wanted to show you everything you mean to him." Sky whispers seductively to Riven.

Riven felt his heart begin to beat faster at Sky's words, feeling himself getting hotter at the seductive tone in his voice. He could barely hold himself together from the way Sky was acting, making him slightly flustered as well as turned on

"Yeah, maybe he did" Riven breathed out as he tried to regain his confidence and regain control of the situation

"But he should know his place. Good boys shouldn't be acting naughty like that"

He smirked, moving a hand up to cup Sky's face

Riven began to slowly run his thumb over Sky's lips in a gently manner, wanting to tease him even more as he got closer to him, their bodies almost pressed up completely together

"If he keeps acting like that, I'd have to discipline him a bit, wouldn't I?" he murmured quietly, his body heat mixing with Sky's

"Maybe he wants to be disciplined" Sky says seductively

Riven chuckled, feeling even hotter with each word that came out of Sky's mouth. He couldn't keep his heart rate from speeding up, the way Sky was shamelessly flirting with him was making him incredibly flustered but he tried not to show it too much

He smirked at Sky's words, moving his thumb down to his chin and lightly pulling his face up towards his, whispering in a seductive tone

"Oh really? Is that what he wants, huh? You're a bit of a naughty boy, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I'm being a Naughty boy. Why don't you show me why I should be a good boy?" Sky whispers into Riven's ear.

*Riven felt a shiver go up his spine as Sky whispered in his ear, his already fast heartbeat quickening even more. His breath got harder and he tried to resist the effects of Sky's flirting on him. He let out a shaky breath and chuckled slightly, keeping up with the teasing*

"You think you deserve that, huh? Good boys get rewarded, naughty boys get punished"

"Then punish me until I'm a good boy."

*Riven felt himself get even hotter at Sky's words and suggestion, feeling himself almost lose control and give into his desires. He chuckled darkly and moved his face closer to Sky's, his voice low and seductive*

"You want me to punish you huh?"

*He grabbed onto Sky's waist and pulled him closer, their bodies now fully pressed against each other,*

"Until you learn to behave like a good boy for me?"

Sky nods. "Yes, Sir."

*Riven felt himself get even more turned on as Sky called him sir and nodded, loving how submissive he was being. He tried to keep his composure, but it was getting harder for him by the second*

"Such a good boy, calling me sir. But you've been a bit disobedient haven't you?" *he said in a suggestive and commanding tone*

"Yes I have, Sir." Sky whispers seductively

*Riven chuckled at how obedient Sky was being, loving it. He slowly began to run his hands over Sky's chest and stomach, feeling his body underneath his fingertips as his smirk grew wider*

"And you want me to make you a good boy?" *he whispered in a low, commanding tone, looking directly into Sky's eyes*

"Yes, Sir. I want you to make me such a good boy."

*Riven chuckled, his hand slowly moving down to Sky's hip, lightly gripping it. He pulled him even closer, their bodies fully pressed against each other now, his breath hitching slightly*

"Are you sure you can be a good boy for me? You have to listen to everything I tell you to do. And if you don't.....you'll be punished" *he said in a low, seductive tone*

"Yes, Sir. I can do that." Sky says back wanting Riven to start already. He was getting impatient.

*Riven chuckled at how eager and impatient Sky was clearly getting, loving it and wanting to tease him more but also feeling his own patience wearing thin. He kept his smirk as he spoke in a commanding tone again*

"You're being such a good boy for me, listening to everything I say and being obedient"

*He pulled Sky over to the bed and pushed him onto it so that he was pinned underneath him*

*Riven looked down at Sky, pinning his wrists down on either side of him on the bed. He slowly lowered himself on top of Sky, his body covering his as his smirk widened*

"But you've still been naughty, haven't you?" *he asked, continuing his dominant tone of voice as he spoke*

*He leaned down closer to Sky's ear and whispered*

"You'd let me do anything to you, right?"

"Yes, Sir."

*Riven felt even more turned on hearing how obedient Sky was being, his breath quickening even more as he tried to keep control of the situation. He continued to hold Sky's wrists down on the bed, his body still lying on top of his*

"Good boy. I love how obedient you are" *he murmured in a low tone, gently biting and kissing his neck*

*Riven began to kiss and bite down on Sky's neck, leaving hickeys all over and feeling his pulse quicken. He slowly started moving his hands down to Sky's waist, gripping it firmly*

"You like being obedient to me, don't you?" *he mumbled against Sky's neck in-between kisses*

"Ah-hh ye-yes si-r" Sky moans as Riven leaves hickeys along his neck hitting all his sensitive spots.

*Riven chuckled as he looked down at Sky. He loved how sensitive he was and how he responded to every single thing he did. He could hear how fast his heartbeat was getting and he loved how submissive he was being for him*

"You're being so good for me" *he murmured, continuing to kiss and nibble along his neck and collarbone*

*He moved his hands down over the top of Sky's pants, pulling lightly at the waistband, slowly pulling them down a little. His body was pressed against his as his kisses slowly started to get lower on his chest*

*Riven could hear the soft moans coming from Sky as he continued to kiss and nibble his chest and abs, loving every single reaction. His hands gently began moving further down, pulling Sky's pants down further but leaving his boxers on for now*

*He slowly moved his body down lower, kissing the sensitive parts of Sky's stomach and abs and nibbling on his hip bones, causing him to jerk slightly and let out a soft gasp*

"AH-ahhh Riven~" Sky moans "Ple-ase~ I-I- nee-d yo-you "

*Riven felt his body react immediately to Sky's moans, causing his breath to quicken even more with each one that came out of his mouth. He chuckled at how desperate he was getting and how he was begging him for more, loving it*

"You need me huh?" *he said in a seductive tone as he continued to kiss and nibble his abs and hip bone, wanting to hear more of Sky's moans*

"Ahh-ahhhhhhh Ri-Rive-n pl-pl-please"

*Riven couldn't take how desperate and needy Sky was being anymore. He loved every second of it and wanted to keep going until he had him completely at his mercy*

"Please what, baby? Tell me what you want" *he murmured in between kisses, looking up at Sky with a smirk and listening to his moans*

"Fuc-fuck me, pl-please. I promsies I-I'll be a g-goo-od b-boy"

*Riven chuckled, loving how absolutely desperate Sky was becoming. He slowly moved back up, hovering over him again and looking into his eyes with a smirk*

"Yeah? You'll be a good boy for me?" *he said in a commanding tone as he takes off his pants and boxers and presses his lower half against his, causing Sky to gasp from the contact*

*He looks down at Sky, noticing the pleading look in his eyes as he tried to compose himself from the touch. He could see the desire and need in his face and knew that he wanted it just as badly as he did*

"You want me to make you mine, baby?" *he mumbled, his voice low and seductive as he ran his hand slowly down his side*

"Yes p-please Ri~"

*Riven felt his own control slowly slip away as he looked down at Sky begging and pleading for more. He chuckled darkly and started to gently nibble on his neck, pressing his body fully against his*

"Mmm, keep begging me, baby. I love hearing how much you need me" *he murmured, his breath hitching from how badly he wanted Sky*

"Ple-please Ri, m-make me yours. Pl-please."

*Riven felt his heart beat faster as Sky continued to beg and plead for him, making it harder and harder to hold back. He took a shaky breath as he pressed his face into his neck, gently biting and kissing it, leaving another hickey*

"You're mine. You're all mine, baby" *he whispered in a low, possessive tone*

As he says this, he puts himself in Sky, giving the boy what he wants.

"Ahh-uh-ahh Ri-ii~" Sky moans as Riven starts to move

*Riven felt his mind go completely blank as he slid into Sky, causing both of them to gasp out at how good it felt. He let out a shaky breath and slowly began to move, the feeling of Sky around him making him go crazy with desire*

"Mmm, you're all mine, baby. No one else's" *he mumbled in a low voice

"Ye-yeah ba-baby, I-I'm a-all you-rs."

*Riven felt his mind and body go a little dizzy from Sky's words, only making him want him even more. He started moving a bit faster, hearing Sky's moans and gasps getting louder and more frequent as he pushed deeper and his breath got heavier*

"Only mine. No one else can have you" *he repeated in a possessive tone*

"Oh-hh ahhhhhhh-hh yea-yeah Ri~" Sky moans

*Riven groaned as he listened to Sky moan his name, it sounding even more beautiful than usual. He looked down at him on the bed, seeing how good he was taking it and feeling his mind go even more blank*

"Say my name. I want to hear you say my name baby" *he said in a low, demanding tone as he began to move even faster, holding onto his waist as he went deeper*

"Riva-van. Ri.~ ahhhhhhh-hh ahhhh" Sky moans as he says Rivans name and nickname

*Riven couldn't stop the gasp that escaped his mouth as Sky moaned his name over and over again. He loved the way it sounded coming out of his mouth, making him want to keep going even more.*

"Yeah, that's it. Just like that. Don't stop saying it. I want to hear you say it *all night*" *he spoke in a low, commanding tone as he began to move his body even faster*

This went on for the rest of the night until 4am. Luckily for them, it was Saterday.

*When they were finished it was 4am and they were both completely spent, their bodies covered in a thin layer of sweat and their breath still trying to return to normal. Riven laid next to Sky on the bed, looking at him with a tired but satisfied smile on his face as he tried to catch his breath*

"Damn, you're amazing" *he said with a chuckle, moving a hand to run through Sky's hair*

"I love you" Sky mutters to Riven sleepily

*Riven felt his heart melt as he heard the words come out of Sky's mouth. He smiled softly and gently moved his hand to cup his cheek*

"I love you too. More then you'll ever know" *he said in a gentle and tired tone, pulling Sky closer to him and wrapping his arms around him*

END OF RIVEN SND SKY POV. BACK TO SAUL.

Back to Saul, he had just woken up and is thinking of how to apologize to Y/n.

Saul woke up the next morning feeling guilty and regretful about the way he acted the previous night. He realized that he had been an absolute dick to you and wanted nothing more than to apologize and make things right.

He lay in bed, staring at the ceiling for a few moments as he tried to muster up the courage to go and talk to you. Finally, he took a deep breath and got up from bed, slowly walking towards your room.

He stood outside your door for a few moments, psyching himself up to knock.

*Ok, here goes nothing.* *He thought to himself, taking another deep breath before raising his hand and lightly knocking on the door*

He waited a moment, his heart beating faster as he waited to see if you would answer.

*Please be awake, please be awake.* *He thought anxiously to himself, hoping you were awake and willing to talk to him.*

After a few moments, he heard movement from the other side of the door. The footsteps grew louder and louder until the door opened, revealing you standing in front of him.

"Before you slam the door in my face, can I please apologize?" Saul asks

You stood in the doorway, looking at Saul with a mix of anger and hurt on your face. He could see the expression on your face and knew that you were probably thinking about slamming the door in his face and not letting him in.

But his question stopped you in your tracks, making you pause for a moment before replying.

"Why should I listen to you? After the things you said last night?" You said in a frustrated tone

Saul's heart sank as he saw the look on your face, knowing full well that he deserved it. He knew what he had said last night was inexcusable and he regretted every word that had come out of his mouth.

"I know I was an ass last night. I said things that I shouldn't have and I hurt you. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He looked at you with a mix of remorse and pleading in his eyes, hoping that you would give him a chance to apologize properly.

"Fine. Come in. You're going to apologize and get out." You say

Saul nodded quietly as he heard your words, grateful that you were at least willing to let him apologize. He stepped into the room awkwardly, feeling the tension between you two.

"Thank you." *He said quietly, closing the door behind him.*

*He looked at you for a moment, steeling himself before he spoke.*

"Last night, I was out of line. I never meant to make it sound like you wanted it or that you didn't try and stop it. And I'm so sorry for questioning you over and over again. I really didn't mean it that way. I only wanted to know everything about what they had done, and I didn't mean for it to sound or look like an interrogation.

I wasn't sure of what to do. At first, I wanted to buy you flowers and chocolates as an apology, but it felt like i was trying to buy your affection. So instead im going to tell you everything I'm thinking and how i didn't mean it to sound like that, and that i was actually only trying to understand how someone could do those things and how bad they hurt you so that when i find them i can make them hurt as much as they made you hurt, but that would also involve me telling you i might like her, no screw that love you, but i don't know if I'm going to screw things up before anything even happens.

I love you. I don't think we really have a relationship, i mean, i don't know we're friends, but after, i found you crying and telling me everything about yourself.

Again, i didn't mean it to sound or look like an interrogation, i want to know who i could help you, because i know you've had people who ask about it and their say their going to help, but leave when you needs them, i don want to be like them. I want to help you, and I'm so so sorry that I made it worse last night." Saul finishes his rant and takes a deep breath.

You listened to Saul's apology in silence, taking it all in. You could tell by the look on his face and the tone of his voice that he was sincere and genuinely remorseful for the things he had said last night.

As he finished speaking, you took a moment to process everything he had said and how he had apologized. A part of you still felt hurt by his words, but another part of you appreciated his honesty and the fact that he was trying to explain himself.

"I appreciate your apology and your explanation." You said quietly, breaking the silence between you two.

You paused for a moment, taking a deep breath before continuing to speak.

"I understand that you were just trying to understand the situation and make things right, but the way you went about it last night was not it. I was feeling vulnerable and scared, and you made me feel even worse by questioning me over and over again. I know you didn't mean it that way, but it still hurt."

"I know, and I'm really sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" Saul asks.

You thought for a moment, considering his question.

"Well..."

You hesitated for a moment before continuing.

"I guess there is something you could do..."

"Anything." Saul says not even hesitating

You couldn't help but smile slightly at how quickly he agreed.

"Okay...well, if you're serious about making it up to me, there is one thing you could do..."

You take a deep breath before speaking again.

"Promise me you'll never make me feel that way again. Promise me you won't question me like that again when I'm being vulnerable. And promise me you'll listen when I say no and won't push me to do anything I don't want to do."

She looks at him expectantly, waiting for his response.

"I promise." Sauls says with nothing but honesty in his voice.

You couldn't help but believe him. The look on his face and the tone of his voice convinced you that he was being honest.

"Okay..."

You hesitated for a moment before continuing.

"There's one more thing..."

He nods, gesturing for you to continue

You take another deep breath, bracing yourself for his reaction.

"Promise me that you'll never forget what I told you last night. Promise me you'll never see me differently or ask questions about what happened again. Promise me you'll never treat me differently because of what I told you."

"I promise Y/n. I love you, I know it's soon, and you don't have to say it back." Sauls responds, saying I love you again.

Your heart flutters at his words, not expecting him to say it again. You look at him for a moment, not sure what to say.

"Why do you keep saying you love me?" you ask in a quiet voice.

"Because I do."

You were taken aback by his simple and straightforward answer. You had been expecting more of an explanation, but his answer was just as unexpected as it was sincere.

"But...why?" you ask, not believing his words.

Saul sees the look of skepticism on your face and can tell that you're having a hard time believing him. He decides to be completely honest with you.

"I don't know. I just do. The more I talk to you and spend time with you, the more I realize how much I care about you. Even after everything you told me last night, I only felt more connected to you. I don't see you any differently than I did before, and I promise I won't treat you any differently either."

You listen to his words in silence, feeling a mix of emotions. A part of you still couldn't believe that he could love you after everything you had told him, but another part of you wanted to believe it.

"But...what about me makes you love me?" you ask quietly.

"You. Your personality. The way you talk. The small things you do, like when you're mad, you scrunch your face and ball your fists, or when you're nervous, you play with your rings, necklace, or finger. Everything about you makes me love you." Saul replies

You feel your heart skip a beat as he mentions all the small things he's noticed about you. No one had ever paid attention to those details before, and it made you feel seen in a way you hadn't felt in a long time.

"I...I don't know what to say..." you say quietly, feeling a mix of disbelief and happiness at his words.

"You don't have to say anything now. You can tell me when you're ready."

You nod quietly, feeling overwhelmed by his words and his sincerity. A small smile tugs at the corners of your mouth as you look at him.

"Okay, I'll tell you when I'm ready..."

After several months passed, Y/n and Saul continued to grow closer and their bond strengthened even more. They had more intimate moments together and Y/n began to truly trust Saul and feel comfortable around him.

One day, Y/n finally gathered the courage to tell Saul that she loved him too. He was overjoyed and immediately knew he had never felt this way about anyone before.

From that moment on, they continued their relationship, constantly supporting and loving each other throughout their journey together. Their trust and communication grew stronger, and they began to fully understand and accept each other's flaws and quirks.

THE END

Word count: 14083

[viinchester]

Prompts

How/What to request

Please comment or send an ask with the number of the prompt(s) you want + the character + more details you want to be included. I'm feeling really creative right now, so I might be able to do some of your requests.

-

1. "Did you bring us here to die?" - "Obviously." - "I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not."

2. "You.. You are-.." - "Beautiful? A genius? Immensely talented?" - "Dangerous."

3. "All that blood looks good on you, it really brings out your eyes."

4. "You keep on pointing that gun at me and blabber about how much you've been wanting to kill me. I'm beginning to doubt your commitment."

5. "Remove your hand or I will rip your arm off and beat you to death with it."

6. "I don't care if you're panicking - just do it quietly."

7. "How long have you been standing there?" - "Longer than you'd like."

8. "Keep your morals away from me."

9. "When did you become so smart?" - "Since I stopped listening to you."

10. "I remember kissing you.. Why do I remember kissing you?"

11. "I was just kind of hoping that you'd.. y'know.. fall in love with me."

12. "Well, that didn't end the way I expected it to, but at least nobody important died."

13. "You're going to have to tell people you're leaving eventually." - "Yeah, but how should I do it? Shall I shout it from the rooftops or send a mass e-mail?"

14. "I have never been so insulted!" - "You don't listen much then, do you?"

15. "What are you doing?" - "… Eating." - "We're being held hostage and you decide to raid the kitchen!?" - ".. They didn't say the fridge was off limits."

16. "Come over here and make me."

17. "I have a name and it's not sweetheart."

18. "I wouldn't miss you. Nobody would." - "..." - "No, wait! I didn't-" - "Fuck off, I hate you."

19. "I really wish you were never born." - "Well, me neither. But.. life be like that sometime." - ".. You're an idiot, you know that?"

20. "I'm dying and you can't do anything about it, so please just hold me. I don't want to die here alone.."

21. "You're bleeding! Where's your friend!?" - "Left me to die to save their own ass. Guess you were right, I really am not worth it."

22. "Did you really think I cared about you?"

23. "This is what I get from trusting you.. Everybody told me to stay away from you, but I ignored them.." - "Yeah, that was really stupid. You should've known better. And for the record: I don't regret anything."

24. "You lied to me! Everything you ever did.. It was all just a game to you!" - "You found out? What a shame.. I kind of enjoyed playing with you."

25. "This is a joke, right? Right!?"

26. "What are you doing?" - "Just what's long over due."

27. "I'm a monster." - "You know you're not."

28. "Listen, I believe there's good inside of you somewhere.. Just.. Just put that knife down, okay?"

29. "Sometimes you need to make your sarcasm more clear."

30. "Oh crap. That's your »I did something bad«-face."

31. "This never happened. Understood?"

32. "Can't you be happy for me for just five minutes?"

33. "You don't give a damn about me!" - "Frankly, I do give a damn about you, my dear."

34. "Innocent until proven guilty, my friend."

35. "You did what!?"

36. "I know I'm very drunk, but I want to kiss you so bad.." - "Excuse you?"

37. "Are you done?" - "Depends."

38. "I should hate you, but all I feel is love!" - "Well, I have that effect on people."

39. "I didn't do it." - "Then why are you laughing?" - "Because whoever did it is a genius."

40. "Was it really necessary to hit me with the corpse's leg?" - "Necessary? No. Hilarious? Yes."

41. "Oh, you're still alive." - "Don't sound so disappointed, I might begin to think you don't like me."

42. "Hold on, you died!" - "Yeah well, it didn't really stick."

43. "I think I'm having a feeling. How do I make it stop?"

44. "This is a beautiful place." - "What a shame you came from so far away to destroy it, right?" - "Not really."

45. "I don't like how that ended. Let's pretend it never happened." - ".. Life doesn't work like that." - "It does now."

46. "I didn't-.. I didn't mean to! This wasn't what I wanted!"

47. "Do you feel any remorse for what you did to them? For what you did to me?"

48. "Please, you have to let me make this right!"

49. "How long are you going to keep on blackmailing me?"

50. "This is going to sound controversial, but I think that went well."

51. "You know, you're adorable when you're mad." - "I could literally kill you."

52. "Well, this is a nice change of scenery." - "It's a prison cell." - "I was being sarcastic."

53. "Run! Run away as long as you got the chance!" - "Run away from what!?" - "From me!"

54. "Rumour has it, I make you nervous."

55. "I can't focus with your damn hand in my- ah.. Oh…"

56. "How are you mad at me, when I'm the one with the broken arm!?"

57. "Well, shit. I'll need a fucking lawyer."

58. "Are you enjoying the party?" - "Party? This isn't a party." - "Not until somebody almost dies."

59. "FUCK! You scared the shit out of me!"

60. "Don't. Move."

61. "You're bleeding on my carpet."

62. "Excuse me, but whoever stood you up is an idiot and a jerk."

63. "Call me that one more time and you'll see what happens."

64. "It's pitch black in here and I can still see you're blushing."

65. "Am I supposed to be scared of you?"

66. "Murder is kinda against the law, you know?"

67. "Bend over."

68. "Beg for it."

69. "I'll make sure you never see them again."

70. "If you relaxed, it wouldn't hurt so much."

71. "There you are. Did you really think you were gonna escape?"

72. "I love you, I love you so much and I'll make sure you feel the same." - "You-.. You are insane.."

73. "Let me out of here! You're a fucking psychopath! I won't ever bend to your will!" - "Now, why did you have to make me mad by saying something so inconsiderate?"

74. "See, now was that so bad?" - "We're in the hospital, you idiot!" - "Yeah, but we could be dead instead, so I consider us lucky."

75. "How do you even sleep at night?" - "Oh, just like a baby."

76. "It'd be a shame if I had to damage that beautiful face.."

77. "Stop struggling. It doesn't have to be painful."

78. "I killed my own blood. What do you think I could do to you?"

79. Person A is wrapped in christmas lights, their body bound tightly to the chair they're sitting on. Person B comes in and grins. "Oh boy, I must've been good this year."

80. "Why don't you ever listen to my orders!?" - "I don't like being told what to do."

81. "I'll go easy on you."

82. "You don't look like a professional criminal.." - "Oh sorry, let me just.. grab my Ted-Bundy-Mask and put on some bloody gloves."

83. "You don't have to stay. I understand."

84. "You don't have to fight me."

85. "Watch me."

86. "You make a sound and it's game over."

87. "I'm like 75% sure this isn't going to kill us."

88. "Uhm, I don't think kidnapping is legal.. So if you could just let me go, that would be great."

89. "Please, I'm begging you.. I will do anything!" - "Anything, you say?"

90. "Cooperate with me and nobody will get hurt."

91. "Shoot him/her. Or I shoot you."

92. "I'm not going to kill you, Y/N. You will kill yourself."

93. "Your life is completely in my hands, so don't test my boundaries."

94. "Why are you crying?"

95. "I could help you, but it will cost you."

96. "Oh, you mean you need.. this antidote?"

97. "Go ahead and pray. See what good that does for you."

98. "What did you do to them!?"

99. "If we get caught, I'm blaming you."

100. "Complain all you want, but hurry and help me hide the body while you're at it!"

101. Person A to Person B: "There's no way in hell I'm doing that!" *Five seconds later* Person B to Person A while watching them do it: "You were saying?"

102. "They don't make a card saying »Sorry for almost bleeding out on your two thousand dollar couch and completely ruining it«, so I got you this instead."

103. "I didn't ask you, because I knew you were going to deny. And I don't need your fucking permission to do anything!"

104. "I am the only thing standing between you and all those people out there wanting to kill you, so I strongly suggest you stop pissing me off."

105. "Why is everbody running around like the city's on fire? What did I miss?"

106. "Alright, so I'll do this ridiculous thing you asked me to do, but in exchange you'll have to come to family-dinner with me and pretend to be my boyfriend/girlfriend, because I've kinda been lying to my family about being in a relationship to get them off my back and now they want to meet my partner."

107. "That's a terrible thing to carve into a tree."

108. "This is definitely not as charming as you might think."

109. "But that wasn't the fucking question, was it?"

110. "You take me instead! Do you hear me? Give her/him/them back and take me instead!"

111. "You know I hear you talking, but I still don't have my coffee."

112. "Take one more step and I'll snap her pretty little neck."

113. "This is real. You're real, I'm real.. I need you to come back to reality with me."

114. "You shouldn't have seen that."

115. "Whatever you do, don't make a sound."

116. "I'd rather be spitting blood."

117. "You can't have her and it's killing you inside."

118. "I could hear you screaming, are you alright?"

119. "I was made to destroy. Not to fix or repare, but to break."

120. "I know how this goes. First, you buy me a drink, then you tell me how pretty I look and at the end of the night, you'll ask for my number."

121. "I'm drunk and I hate everything.. Wait, lemme correct myself, I hate everything but you."

122. "Put the gun down, please. You're starting to scare me.."

123. "I'm right here. I've been here all along. Please, just.. see me."

124. "Stop looking at me with pity in your eyes. Stop it. Stop fucking looking at me like that!"

125. "You took adventage of me when all I did was help you. Others would've left a long time ago, but I kept on believing in you. But you only ever saw me as an opportunity to get what you wanted.."

126. "You really don't know how to talk to women, do you?" - "There was no need to until now!"

127. "You already know how this will end. It always ends with my blood on your hands. I've come to terms with it, you should get used to the idea too. After all, you can't change destiny."

128. "If you want to keep me away, then tell me a lie that will hurt me so deep I'll never want to see you again." - "I love you."

129. "Go ahead, underestimate me. That will be fun."

[thisturbulentspecies]

Blog entry 2 / 01.23.19

From The Cradle To The Grave

______________________________

Collapse and dismantlement: On form and dramaturgy in Liszt’S late symphonic poem From the Cradle to the Grave

"The symphonic poem From the Cradle to the Grave deserves a special status among Liszt’s symphonic works because he wrote it after a long break as part of his series of symphonic poems from his Weimar period. The composition was inspired by a drawing by the Hungarian painter Mihály Zichy. Many aspects of Liszt’s musical response to this drawing contrast with his older symphonic works. Liszt chooses a simple three-part structure, in which each movement is dedicated to one of the stages of life. The final movement functions as a thematic recapitulation and synthesis, which, however, is no longer staged as an emphatic breakthrough, as in earlier works, but rather as a process of dismantlement preceded by a dramatic collapse at the end of the second movement. The demonstrative break with the concept of a final apotheosis relates back not only to the source of inspiration for the work, but also to a transformation in the composer’s aesthetic viewpoint."

______________________________

This is my story. It belongs to me. Those other people were present. They are not part of this story. Also, their stories are not important to me. For, this is my story.

1:00 am, October 10, 1999. My Dad was dying. He was never going to recover. He would not get better. I do not believe in miracles. Even if I did, his body was broken. It couldn't be repaired by god or man. In the early hours of a Sunday, Priests we're busy doing whatever priests do. Reverends were busy preparing sermons and preparing to save souls. One million prayers could not change anything. Dad's doctors were resigned to the fact that a a terribly ill man was quickly dying. His body, like our bodies, is a machine made of water and flesh and muscle and blood and bone. His machine, was broken.

I sat in a small waiting room maybe 45 feet from the the holding cell for my Dad's soul. Those other people were in in the room. Hours passed and those people made small talk and prayed and drank coffee. Others sped from cities miles away to make small talk and pray and drink coffee with those other people.

My father was, in one form or the other, in very poor health since the late 1970's. All of my siblings were older and were oblivious to how bad it was back home. Dad's back injury forced to him retire. He had no choice but to watch his greenhouse, his second love, destroyed in front of him by the company that bought his land. Before we could move to our new house his greenhouse was burnt to the ground.

I had no choice but watch my parents marriage crash and burn. Mom got angry and Dad got depressed. I watched as they wept over the death of my brother. Soon followed by a quick divorce. I had a front row seat for all of this. Mom was crushed. Dad soon remarried a very mentally ill woman. Simply put, the last 18 years of my Dad's life had been difficult. Certainly not what he signed up for, especially in his early 70's.

My Dad will be remembered as a happy and gregarious man. He was a man of faith and integrity. He always wore a smile. He played acoustic guitar, like 3 chords, just enough to write and play heartfelt songs. Dad wept in private. Sometimes I heard him. He had lost his livelihood, his business, 2 sons and a marriage. A series of heartbreaks.

Dad was going to die soon. He suffered from diabetes, pneumonia and chronic pain. He was now going to die in the last room he would ever be in. Death would mean freedom for his soul. Wherever he was headed, it was better than that room.

The waiting room was in the ICU at Rockford Memorial Hospital. This room had chair's, a small couch, lamps, a coffee table, coffee maker and half a dozen inspirational pictures on the beige walls. Those other people we're in the room. Talking and wringing their hands and praying for him to pull through. To pull through. To pull through? For what? More misery? More pain? We were allowed to go back two at a time. I guess those other people did. I walked back alone.

As I approached the room, I heard the beeps and drones and whines of the equipment. There he was, in a what they call a coma, he was unresponsive and kept alive via life support.

He was almost naked, spare the hospital gown over his genitals. The wires and tubes and leads and IV's and tape and made it clear about what would happen, sooner than later. I wanted to speak but all I did was weep. After a few minutes, I summoned the strength to hold his hand and move my lips very close to his ear. I recall my words pretty vividly.

" Dad, it's your time to go. You have done your work here on this Earth. You did the best you could in this life. Don't hold on. There's no need to wait out this misery any longer. I love you. Many people love you. Somewhere out there, your loved ones are waiting. Your sons are waiting. Go Dad. Just go. This is your permission". I could barely get those words out between my sobs, but I managed to do so.

There layed the man, who in his heyday was a tall strong man. He was hilarious, hard working and dedicated. Now he looked like a cyborg in a lab. I had the opportunity to share what was in my heart with him. I did my best to give him hope and comfort. As awful as this sounds, I wanted him to pass. Fuck this room Dad, I thought to myself, get out of here, just go.

I returned to the room with those other people, still talking and crying and drinking coffee. He needed to go, I screamed in my mind, to leave this mortal coil forever.

Dad expired around 15 minutes later. I didn't shed a single tear. I was secretly elated. He was finally free. Those other people cried. 'There's your miracle', I thought to myself.

From the cradle to the grave. The painting above is an ode to the symphony of the same name. ( see text above). We are born and we die. Some die far too early. Some, on the battlefield. Others in times of darkness and violence. Some during childbirth. Some in the ICU on a Sunday morning.

Dad grew up DIRT poor. I don't think he had a proper cradle. Three days later, he would have a proper grave. As I walked outside to smoke, I heard a lullaby playing on the hospital intercom, which is played when a baby is born. I secretly hoped those other people didn't hear it. It was my lullaby, and this is my story, and it belongs to me and nobody else.

My hope was that that the lullaby baby had a proper cradle. That he is loved, has grown up healthy and happy. Hopefully this baby wouldn't lose two sons, his health, his livelihood, three marriages and wouldn't die hooked up to more machinery than NASA needs to launch a satellite into orbit.

Lullaby baby is almost 20 now. My father has been gone almost 20 years. Do I think my whispers in Dad's ear granted him permission to go? I know he heard me, I'm positive he did. I don't know much about what they call a coma, but in my heart I know he heard every word. I'm not sure if those other people wanted him to pass, but I did. From the cradle to the grave, it's really all we're promised, the cradle and the grave. It is my sincere belief that the grave can sometimes be as much of a precious gift as the cradle.

This is my story and mine alone. Those other people were present but this is not their story. Also, their stories are not important to me. This was my story until today. But today this becomes our story, and ours alone.

***EE***

[calumcest]

i'm glad you're feeling better! and honestly i'm shook? i didn't even know you had that many career possibilities in other countries? like my brain automatically went from reading history and german (both truly great subjects btw) to lehramt.. honestly everything sucks about our education system and i'm sorry it's constricting your plans of moving here :( (pt1)

(pt2) though i can't understand why you'd want to leave london the literal best city in the whole entire world for germany like even with my very big love for berlin i just don't get it 🙈 (in case it isn't obvious: i love london with my entire heart) did you always live there? sendung mit der maus is truly quality tv :) did you end up rewatching it?

(pt3) your masters thesis sounds so interesting! i'd love to know more about it bc i only know a little bit about differences in gay rights between east and west but like next to nothing about how they handled hiv/aids and the influence of language is so fascinating too oh my god that made me crack up 😂 my mum grew up around hohenschönhausen 😅

(pt4) and yes exactly! like some jobs were treated so much more fairly and also what really surprised me was that according to my history teacher the east was actually a bit better/faster than the west in regards to womens rights (for example abortion was legal in the east earlier) okay so from your stories i definitely relate more to the british approach to criticism 😂 i can't tell people their ideas are shit bc i hate confrontation

(pt5) though i too was shooketh about how polite people in the uk are.. like just in a shop or sth everybody was always so nice it was weird 😅 so i get your mum's confusion. also i can't believe you apologise when someone bumps into you?? i mean this particular thing is sth i get very mad about bc i love my personal space but like just in general why do you apologise when it wasn't your fault? like yes i do apologise when i do it but if it's the other person's fault 😶

(pt6) yeah it definitely depends on the situation/person i think for practical reasons i say german first but try to mention berlin asap. aw thank you i appreciate it :) but oh my god i'm actually so sorry that happened to you, like while i love them for nostalgic reasons i agree that pfannkuchen(/berliner) can be so disgusting especially when you're expecting a crepe :( oh YES thank you so much i've been saying this exact thing for years!!

(pt7) like why do we need cases and genders when english works just fine without them? i don't wanna hear about genitiv ever again thank you very much. the correct plural is kakteen and kaktusse just sounds like a profanity and they went and made it an official possibility bc people kept saying it and ever since that i've hated duden with a passion. alex should definitely pay you for the promo & i've seen vegas mentioned on your blog a few times now so i'm gonna listen to it too :) -spoiler twin

thank u!! also i know right trying to explain that in germany was insanity they were like oh so ur working at a school bc u wanna become a teacher? :) and i was like absolutely not and they were like but u study history and german...SNDFJSNKDJF i think its insane that ur expected to choose your whole career path at the age of 18 though thats so stressful! 

omg have you been to london before? also i didnt but i did rewatch an old episode with my parents bc i reminded them about it and we were reminiscing and its STILL as good as i remember it being good old christoph and his green jumper

thank u!! god i dont actually know THAT much about the language yet bc i havent started researching but a few interesting points i’ve picked up are that 1. they always referred to drug users as ‘fixer/fixerinnen’ which is obviusly like...quite a politicised term when they had the option to say like drogenabhängige or sth 2. academics would constantly refer to ‘ansteckungsverdächtigen’ and the verdächtig in that is like...HMMM...not good 3. there was a medical panel held in 1987 in east berlin which used english terminology to describe sexual practices that carried increased risk of hiv transmission (e.g. fisting) and because lots of people didn’t speak english they weren’t actually being educated on what they should be avoiding/doing more safely SO!! theres a lot to look at i havent really started researching like i said i should though but theres already a lot of interseting things in there imo sorry this is probably super boring i just get very excited about it

oh absolutely!! it was because of necessity (the way the ecnomy was set up meant that they needed all available bodies working) but it meant that there were SO many more provisions especially childcare and you can still see that prevailing today theres a huge divide between east/west in terms of maternity leave and childcare 

omg SSNKDJFNKSJDFN honestly i have no idea we just do we literlaly apologise when we bump into lampposts its just an instinct bc u assume that its your fault bc you were in the way so u need to apologise for it but once the kids in germany started being like why the fuck are you apologising i had to physically stop myself apologising SKJDFNSJNDF

thats fair enough go di miss berlin so much i’m so desperate to go back theres stll so many things i havent seen bc ive never stayed longer than a week and its such a rich city you need more time to explore it i miss it so much lord take me back to the alexanderplatz galeria restaurant so i can eat overpriced schnitzel <3 whats your favourite german food? i have to say for me personally linsen & spätzle and maultaschen (my oma is swabian) for nostalgic purposes but marmorkuchen...schnitzel...bratwurst...klöße...weißwurst...brezel...lebkuchen...kaiserschmarrn...plätzchen...theres these lovely plätzchen my mum makes at xmas wait let me ask her what theyre claled i cant describe them. ok apparently theyre just schokoladenplätzchen ‘aber ich hab ein besonderes rezept von der ur-oma ha ha ha!!!!!!!’ (direct quote) GOD now i am desperate to go back to germany we cant get ANY good food here i swear to god . oh you know what i really love as well german junk food god you do junk food like nobody else the chocolate aisle in rewe <3 <3 <3 i miss the ja! chocolate chunk cookies so much

CORRECT i hate cases so much i’m so bad at them i still have no idea if its dem or den half the time how does it make a DIFFERENCE...also correct but the genitiv is dying anyway as we keep being told by our lecturers Der Dativ Ist Dem Genitiv Sein Tod <3 kakteen is a very intersting prospect i never considered that but the more i think about it the more i agree also kaktusse DOES sound like profanity but german swear words just arent that great anyway like fick please that upsets me so much ALSO i hope u enjoyed vegas! 

[jens-notes]

I'm living to 102. And then dying. Like the city of Detroit.

I'm living to 102. And then dying. Like the city of Detroit.

Things are improving.  I’ve never been dead, but I have been close.  If anything, i’m better than ever, which is funny because my ex thinks by trying to strip me of everything, stealing my children to please a psycho he married at random… that i’m laying dead somewhere unable to do anything.

I should hope by now that he understands that I am and always have been one step ahead of him.  I think he’s been trained to believe i’m completely stupid or something but he should know way better.  I have always been legal smart.  That is half the reason I have kept my mouth shut for 2 years.   Sometimes if I rant I say too much.  He’s done so much now that people are telling me I have to speak.  I mean, the stuff they’ve posted on Facebook and their antics at trying to hurt me or keep my kids from me for no reason are hilarious.  It’s clear the outside sees these two trainwrecks with my kids and sees how they behave and all they’ve done wrong and this won’t end well for them.

I get stalked so much by them and I pay no attention to them. I focus on my kids.  My friends focus too much on them and send me screenshots but I for the most part ignore it except when they’ve gone overboard on some posts.  Let me tell you, the posts they have made recently have been seen by law, psychiatrists, ph.d’s, and all have agreed that what they are doing to my children’s minds is awful.  “Mindfucking babies” to quote one doc.

On top of that, they are just really bad at lying.  So bad, it’s being tracked, planned out, and i’ve had Roselou Warren’s family come to me and tell me to get my children away from her.  I knew in 2017 this wicked Filipino woman who has self-image and fat issues (like everyone deals with except some of us don’t go psycho about it)… and in 2017 I had no problem with her when they first met.  One night of the many when he left my children home alone to drive 110 miles to visit her and didn’t return home for my kids… I called my ex and asked him where he was to get them, they had school.  Instead of him answering the phone, this fucked up girl answers the phone and confronts me out of nowhere and I could hear him leading her on in the background. Before this, I had no issues and was happy for him.  Matt and I had a civil relationship despite the fact that I should have had him killed for what went down to cause me to file for divorce.  He had helped me a lot.  However, since he met this woman and took my children away from me, filed court action to strip me of my custody and money, and tried to fake threats against her, both of them posting radical thoughts and accusations that I’m going to hurt these to weirdos, he has turned into a human, not even human, that has no conscious, evil, and well, to put it bluntly… the point I hope he fucking drops dead tomorrow from a stroke or heart attack or gets hit by a truck driven by a cow, thrown, and impaled with a fence post.  It took a lot to bring me to the point that I wish him ill will.

It’s not coming from me though.  It’s going to happen because it’s time for karma to come along and fuck him in the ass.  Just don’t let my kids be around him.  He already lost a court battle in the approx. amount of $8000 in May.  Not from my doing.  Now, they are just perjuring the Florida court system repeatedly.  I know what him and this messed up psycho are doing to throw me off their trail, and it’s not going to work.  I fell for their lies initially because I know my ex better than his own hand, and how he acts and behaves and I had to learn that this was not my ex’s mind running the show.  He is being controlled by this woman, who is way more screwed up than I ever was.  I never came close to the antics she does.  I’d outline my exact strategy here, but i’ve already won phase 1, and he’s not unemployed and poor so i’m going to go to phase 2.  Goal 1 is get my children in my life – which is what law is there for because I have the right to unlimited time with my kids legally.  Goal 2 though is to break him of his will and his bank account.  He can’t fight me when he’s poor.  Either he is in contempt of court, or he’s unemployed and can’t take care of my children.  Fact 1… he’s highly employable and never been without a job longer than 12 days in his life in the USA of 18 years.  He’s only ever lost a job once.  That was the 12 days wayyyy back in like 2006.

What is funny is they started a business first week of June or something called 907 Technology.  September 7, 2017 is when these two fuckups got married and is when they stole my kids from me.  Either way, the documentation provided to the courts in their mandatory disclosures was true, but it wasn’t everything. This will be their strategy. Throw me off, make me think he’s either unemployed or working for his old company. I do believe he got fired.  That’s been a long time coming.  He’s actually a shit hole employee that lies about his resume and lies about what he has done.  He’s just a plain old liar now.  His company’s page and about me at first listed all his former employers as his previous clients.  If that wasn’t funny enough, his IT security consulting business page had a stolen copyrighted image as their logo from a website that specialized in catching people stealing information security. Lol.  For someone as experienced, at least used to be, in coding and web security, was designed using blogger and a very pathetic user interface with Google. At least I do everything fairly genuine and i’m not nearly on paper as experienced.  I have 2 LLC’s and well, frankly, knowing the tax business, I know exactly what he is attempting to do to try and hide income.

He has filed to be of indigent status in Brevard County as of June, stating he is poor. However, at the same time they claimed to be buying a house, or having cars.  All I have to do is have that application challenged.  He is already in contempt of court in Lake County. That’s where I got a judgement of $8k.  This is all a dangerous smoke screen he is putting up that I think like everything else, borders with screwing with me and screwing with the justice system as well.  See he claimed he lost his job in the beginning of June 2018.  Well going from 10K a month in income to $300 a week in unemployment just won’t pay his bills.  He would be so miserable and so far gone and lost everything that just knowing this, I can tell you he’s not unemployed, nor is he actually earning money with a business at this moment here at the end of July 2018.  He was paycheck to paycheck. But he is highly employable nonetheless, resume lies or not.  He’s totally fucked in the mind and stupider than shit, but he knows how to get and hold onto a job.  He’s also desperate.

So desperate for love he found this woman, and both of them were sooo desperate they clinged to each other immediately.  She is young and has no kids, ugly as fuck — more ugly than my fattest ugliest moments, and he’s old and fearful of dying alone.  Old for him is whatever like 45.  He’s so desperate for this love that he’s doing whatever it takes and is by everyone’s account (not mine until more recently) gone off his rocker with the crazies.  His appearance at our May court date was disgusting.  But, like the smoke screen they are putting up, I believe it was planned.  My ex has never seen a scruffy face except once in our marriage many many years ago, where I wanted to see what he looked like with a goatee.  That lasted like a week.  He’s anal about shaving and he showed up to court this one time looking like a homeless unemployed man and not even dressed up hoping that the judge will be tricked into thinking he is just as his appearance was.

When he lost the case, I got images sent to me by my facebook friends showing their crazy posts, which I’m going to share soon, that say, “no matter what, we are so happy, and she will never find love like ours and we always win no matter what just because of that” – not to quote but in the jist of it along with pictures of them eating at a foreign food restaurant crossing their hands with new wedding bands they just bought that day or prior.  It’s like they think i’m watching them so they go out of their way to make sure they say the stupidest shit nobody actually believes.

When her family contacted me after that, it was made known that she is shaming them.  They never cared until she moved close they said. But now her actions are shaming them. They encouraged me to tell my lawyer this… tell my lawyer that, make sure I show him this and that…. etc.  If her family thinks she’s a fucked up crazy and by family, I mean her brother… then in reality it’s way worse because as a 34 year old adult you aren’t showing your family the full picture. They see a sliver of the picture, and it’s bad. The full damage and omg it drives me insane.

Ok well — yeah already spoke too much.  My next actions will be to file a couple of motions now that I fired my lawyer for taking too long.  I was my own lawyer for the last 3 years and got shit done, I hire a lawyer because i’m going through a period of “regaining my strength” and the douchetool spends all of his time on vacation.

I’ll go back to being me. Legally smart and a mother devoted to her children.

Posted by: Jen

Filed under: Beyond 2018, Brevard County, Fighting Rights, General, Matt, The Ex Files