#i'm gonna need like 9 years to process it

[cruell-summers]

mexico city night 3 WON the surprise song race of the entire international leg. idc what happens next I can sleep peacefully every night knowing I was in the crowd when Cornelia Street/YOYOK happened. I'm never getting over this wtf

[harmoonix]

🌴Favela🌴

Astrology Observations

She comes from the favela

Hills of Santa Teresa

Underneath the Redeemer

And the sun in the sky

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🌴 - Pisces in your big 6 (Sun, Moon, Rising, Venus, Mercury, and Mars) make the native to be a big dreamer! Their dreams and spiritual world is endlessly beautiful 🥰🥰

🌴 - Why do I have a feeling Libra and Cancer placements cry at happy endings?? Is their energy right there! They don't like when good things end 😀💔

🌴 - Sagittarius Placements especially Venus/Mars/Mercury so blessed, these planets give a tropical aura to the native 🦋🦋🦋

🌴 - Taurus/Pisces/Libra Placements need to live artistic lives, life is poetry, life is art, life is music, you are a muse in your own world 🪭🪭

🌴 - Jupiter/Saturn in the 9H or at 9° 21° degrees are blessed with very good knowledge! They're always the wise one in the group! 🏛🏛

🌴 - If you have multiple aspects to your Sun, you can often have personality disorders lime bipolar disorder! Always in a change of a mood💣💣

🌴 - Those with fewer aspects to planet Mars in their chart don't get angry that fast. They're more calm and peaceful 🦭🦭

🌴 - People always say sister signs belong together, yet here I am a Capricorn biatch always getting in arguments with Cancer placements!! I got enough!! No hate to cancers tough!! Everyone is different 😊🫶🏼

🌴 - 2025 will be a very changing year for me omfg😭 I will have Scorpio Rising in my solar return next year! If I'm gonna make it out alive I will make more solar return observations

🌴 - Imagine having a favorite planet in your birth chart and that planet is being the one with the less aspects 😭😭? Sun is my fav planet and I have like 3 aspects this is bullshit already

🌴 - People with Venus - Mercury aspects are appreciated for their voices! You have a very beautiful one!!👏👏

🌴 - When you have Saturn in late degrees like between 20° to 29° usually means Saturn has to finish something in this life💞

🌴 - Moon in your 8H and Moon in Scorpio natives are the first ones to heal you! Usually, when you have people around you with those placements, it means you need healing💆‍♂️💆‍♂️💆‍♂️

🌴 - Venus in the first degrees between 0° and 10° need to focus on themselves first! You should always be your biggest priority

🌴 - Mercury at 9° and 21° is so talkative, and they always speak so fast and jump from subjects to another

🌴 - Scorpio, Cancer, and Pisces in the 2H usually become addicted with the thing they buy/spend money on

🌴 - Moon in the 9H is a very beautiful placement to have if you love traveling around the world this placement gives you the chance to do that (Moon at 9° 21° too)

🌴 - It is known that people with Capricorn/Aquarius Placements have beautiful legs! Take care of all your body parts in order also in order to love yourself take care of your body

──────⊱◈🇧🇷◈⊰──────

She come from the favela

Ask me 'e aí beleza'

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🌴 - My Mom has her Venus in the 5H and she loves to do a lot of sports, she is so hard to beat at any ball game like she always wins 😭😭

🌴 - Moon in your 10H or at 10° 22° degrees can indicate your feelings are exposed to the world or the people around you! And you may be afraid to show them your true feelings

🌴 - Saturn in water signs always make sure to not speed the natives healing process! It always comes with the time

🌴 - Aries/Gemini and Leo Placements are possibly the most curious people you will ever meet because they learn things everyday

🌴 - Moon between 5° and 10° can be the most active moon placement when they're surrounded with things they enjoy

🌴 - Juno asteroid between 10° and 19° degrees can indicate a spouse who's gonna teach you a lot of things

🌴 - Lilith between 20° and 29° is usually when Lilith feels the most powerful because she feels like she can run the world, is empowering

🌴 - Capricorn and Pisces placements can find comfort in isolating themselves if they actually need it!

🌴 - I don't think there is someone who can understand Aquarius Moon natives feelings better than themselves, because is their inner world after all

🌴 - Not an astro observations but since this post is targeted around travelling, there is a legend that says when your soul is in love with a country/place is probably because there is someone waiting for you in that place or country Do you think it is true guys?)If the theory is true my soulmate is living on the other side of the globe 🤡🤡🤡

🌴 - If Gemini or Mercury sits in the 6H you probably like to talk or to spread awareness and warnings about specific things like maybe a conflict or a war or any other crise

🌴 - Sagittarius Mars can have a good accent when they try to speak a foreign language it work if your Mars is also in the 9H or at 9° or 21°

──────⊱◈◈◈⊰──────

F A V E L A 🇧🇷

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🌴 - If your Pluto sits in the 11H or at 11° 23° you can attract envy from people around you especially friends are the first envy targets

🌴 - Saturn/Capricorn in the 12H can feel so tiring! Is usually because it is a very deep placement to have for the 12H topics make sure to rest

🌴 - I love how ambitious are natives with Saturn in the 6H or Saturn in Virgo/Saturn at 3° 15° 27° degrees, they really make the job done

🌴 - In my opinion Saturn really loves the middle houses like 5H/6H/7H/8H because it teaches the native hard lessons through learning where in other placements Saturn will mostly do lots of practice with the natives like the 1H or 2H

🌴 - Saturn in Aquarius/Saturn in the 11H/Saturn at 11° 23° will teach you how to value your true friendships and in the same time to learn how a friendship is suppose to work

🌴 - Lilith in Sagittarius/9H and at 9° 21° Most times can end up losing their faith or beliefs or simply changing them! (This can not apply to everyone)

🌴 - In the Vedic astrology placements in the 9H and 12H like Venus, Moon or Sun can find their spouses usually a bit more later in life

🌴 - In the Vedic astrology your nakshatra plays a big role in your personality, appearance, beauty, which one is yours? Mine is in Chitra 🫶🏼 find your nakshatra here! You'll need to do a nakshatra calculator first

🌴 - Aries Sun/Moon and Rising natives are so naturally charming, I swear their faces play such a big role in their beauty, especially the eyebrows

🌴 - I think is easier for mercury in fire signs to call and tell you everything instead of writing messages, I think they wanna say it face to face

🌴 - Moon and Sun can be introverted in the 2H/4H/6H/8H/ and 12H because these planets usually are more mysterious in those houses

🌴 - Jupiter in Virgo/6H and at 6° 18° have so much luck when they're looking for a job! It might actually be manifested into your subconscious

🌴 - If someone has their Jupiter in the same sign as your Venus, they can be so much into you without realizing it is something that grows over time

🌴 - Virgo Moons think more logical than others because they loveee to keep it in order, everything has their own time in this space

🌴 - If you have your 11H connected to the 8H your *fake* friends may want to use you for money, take care of such people (How they can be connected? Look if the ruler of the 11H is making an aspect with the ruler from the 8H)

──────⊱◈◈◈⊰──────

🇧🇷 Deep in the colors and the streets

Lost in the funk favela beats

Prisioneira 🇧🇷

──────⊱◈🇧🇷◈⊰──────

🌴 - If your 7H is connected to the 10H can indicate your spouse can be the breadwinner and the provider in the relationship (How they can be connected? Look if the ruler of the 7H is making an aspect with the ruler from the 10H)

🌴 - Your 7H Lord/Ruler and its aspects can also tell you a lot about your spouse and your relationship with them.

🌴 - Mars in the 1H/3H/10H tend to really be turned on easily, I swear they're always there ready for something to happen

🌴 - Chiron in Virgo can indicate someone who may be very controlling and strict even with themselves but also with other people

🌴 - Virgo south node can indicate someone who worked in the favor of service and devotion in a past life

🌴 - I honestly love the trio of the natives with horns like Aries Taurus and Capricorn?? Horn creature - like are so beautiful!!

🌴 - Saturn in the 1H natives are more comfortable being alone than with people who stress them 24/7

🌴 - Leo and Cancer placements usually have very shiny skin, or their skin color might be really pretty (it can be any skin color) it will just make your appearance charming

──────⊱◈🇧🇷◈⊰──────

Chorando estará ao lembrar de um amor

Que um dia não soube cuidar

Canção riso e dor, melodia de amor

Um momento que fica no ar

──────⊱◈🇧🇷◈⊰──────

Damn this post took so long, but it ended so good! Let Venus to bless the aether! 💞🦋 Harmoonix

[autisticmushroom]

The Book of Bill Provides Evidence to Prove that Bill and Ford are Toxic Exes: An Essay

Before we get into anything, let me add. 1. This is an actual essay. 2. I hated billford at first, but I have become similar to the very thing I have sworn to destroy because of the Book of Bill. It contains a lot of billford subtext- and hell, if I can see it and *I don't* ship them, then it's gotta be there. 3. This will have both evidence for and counterpoints against each side, mirroring my thought process. 4. I will not be including evidence from Elsewhere (any interviews, Gravity Falls merch, Journal 3, the show itself). 5. If you know of anything that's not on here, feel free to reblog this post with added photos! You can also add evidence from Elsewhere if you feel like it lol. Oh, and spoilers under the cut for Gravity Falls and The Book of Bill. obviously.

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's get to The List! Strap yourselves in, folks, this is a long one. Evidence FOR Bill Cipher x Ford (with Counterpoints)

Image 1: Evidence for the ship: Yk the quote "My ex-wife still misses me… BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER?!" So this implies that Bill is Ford's ex. Counterpoint: The Pines bros could've used that phrase before the ex-wife part was added.

Image 2: Evidence: The whole thing. Mabel refers to bill as a "super needy ex" who needs to "[get] over Grunkle Ford". She tells him to get "breakup bangs" and "go crush on someone else's uncle." Counterpoint: She loves matchmaking, and she has a whole page in the Gravity Falls coloring book about "Future Matchmaking Projects", the vast majority of them (read: all but Dipper x Pacifica, really) having no basis in the show. She's a 13 year old girl who could just be making a joke out of it because it's fun.

Images 3 & 4 Evidence: To have people fall in love with you, "leave real dead mice" (Bill's love advice) *Bill proceeds to leave dead rats spelling Ford's name.* As a birthday present, on Ford's birthday, that he surprisingly remembered. Counterpoint: Bill said to leave dead mice but left dead rats for Ford. Two different animals. Also, he could just be doing this to creep Ford out.

Image 5 Evidence: "And then one thing led to another." This leaves a lot to be implied... including gay shenanigans. Counterpoint: It could mean anything.

Image 6 (Ha! Sixer!) Evidence: "I know sixer loved our will they wont they destroy the world relationship". "One sixer please" "I ordered an 'I'm Fine Juice' " Like bro is obviously going through The Breakup. From what little I know about Homestuck, this also seems like a kismesis [romantic relationship built on hate, simply put?] relationship (Homestuck fans don't sue me!!) Counterpoint: This could just be him mad that Ford's not a willing pawn anymore.

Image 7 Evidence: Bill wanting Stanford to make him look pretty. Counterpoint: This could just be Bill being vain.

Image 8 Evidence: Bill actually trapped Stanford in a massive stone pyramid during Weirdmageddon and restrained him. And he was actually going to sing a song that got cut- "It's Gonna Get Weird." Counterpoint: We don't know if the Fearamid was made out of stone; and it's possible Bill didn't aim to seduce Ford in the Fearamid; just intimidate him.

Additionally: Evidence: Bill having the idea that love basically is the same thing as fear makes sense because he used fear to control Ford a lot. Counterpoint: Bill being mean could be just... that. simply put.

Image 9 Evidence: Dictionary.com defines "holic" basically as someone with an addiction/obsession. He was obsessed with Bill. Counterpoint: This could've been just platonic, or as admiration.

Image 10 Evidence: "This is what a partner looks like". Bill, referring to Ford. Counterpoint: Again, unclear as to whether he is being romantic or platonic.

Images 11 & 12 Evidence: This could absolutely be read as flirty. "Guys as smart as you come along once every other century." "I see you on the cover of the right magazine someday." "You can call me anything except late for dinner. (Bill)" "You can call me anything except late for dinner. (Ford, echoing Bill). "I think I'm starting to like you, Sixer." "I think I'm starting to like you, Bill." Counterpoint: Bill could just be saying this to impress Ford to get him to help. Unclear as to platonic or romantic.

Images 13 & 14 Evidence: Bill suggests telling the date a sob story, and then trap them in the love cage. Then he tells Ford this sad story about his dimension; and later traps him in what could be a love cage (see: Image 8) Counterpoint: The sob story should be about how "*you're* tragic and misunderstood, no one can possibly relate to you." This isn't about Bill being tragic as a whole, this is about one terrible event. --- So far, we have mainly evidence for Bill Cipher and Ford being a couple, with some rebuttals. Now, it's time for evidence against them being a couple, with some rebuttals. Evidence AGAINST Bill Cipher x Ford (with Counterpoints)

Image 1: Evidence: This could imply Ford is aroace. Or at the very least, Bill, being Chaotic Evil (D&D alignment) isn't Ford's type. Counterpoint: You can fall for someone that's not your type. And that's what he *usually* writes- what does he write the other times? And what you do in a dream doesn't always reflect what you do in real life.

Image 2: Evidence: Bill doesn't pass the Harkness Test. (For those unaware, it's a test to see if you can have sex with a creature without it being immoral (bestiality/p*dophilia). He has at least human intelligence and can communicate with language (considering he wrote a book), but he is not of sexual maturity, as he's a preteen. Counterpoint: Preteen =/= not sexually mature applies to humans, but we have no idea if that would be correct for a triangle. It only makes sense to assume he is sexually mature. Dogs only live 10-13 years (source: American Kennel Club), and so they have babies when they're preteens or younger.

Image 3: Evidence: Bill states he has no exes. Counterpoint: We both know he's lying. Look at the list of crossed out names- most likely exes.

Image 4: Evidence: Bill says he couldn't care less about love. Counterpoint: For the second and third questions, he's dodging the answer. That's not a direct no, it's just him attacking the reader. And for the first, he could be lying.

Image 5: Evidence: Bill wrote this book, and we know Bill isn't to be trusted. How can we be sure any of what Bill says is true? How can we be sure that what Bill says is "Missing Journal Pages written by Ford" is 100% accurate, and not just- made up or altered by Bill? Bill literally says "Truth is open-source code and anyone can edit it" Counterpoint: Why would Alex Hirsch do that to the fan base though? --- Conclusion The amount of Bill x Ford evidence outweighs the evidence against it. Despite the fact that much of the evidence *for* Bill x Ford is ambiguous and can be read as romantic or platonic, or just Bill intimidating Ford, it only makes sense to conclude that it is romantic because of the sheer amount of it. This has turned me; previously somewhat of a Bill x Ford hater, to believing that Bill x Ford was an important part of Ford's story.

However, if you've read all of this and still hate the idea of Bill x Ford, that's perfectly valid! You can choose to read the evidence as purely platonic & later, Bill intimidating Ford, or Bill just twisting the truth- either aligns with canon. --- Disclaimer:

I am not saying you have to believe in Bill x Ford. I am not saying they had a good relationship either, or idealizing it. It was definitely toxic and manipulative and abusive. Ford is likely still healing from that abuse. I believe Ford and Bill both pass the Harkness Test. I am not shipping Bill with anyone besides Ford. Yes, I know this is basic, but I don't want ppl yelling at me for small things. Better yet; if you disagree with anything in the disclaimer- tell me *why* in the comments, civilly. --- Final Thoughts

If you've made it here, thank you so much for reading! This is my first essay of this length posted on Tumblr! I stayed up till like 1am to write this.

And I encourage you to repost/comment instead of just liking it, if you choose to engage. This helps better spread the post around. Thank you!

:)

[rotisserory]

Reo Mikage is Actually Great BPD Representation- Some Thoughts

So I had the extremely unfortunate experience of being exposed to Blue Lock (unfortunate because it's all my tiny pea brain can think about now), and while it is absolutely full of silly guys whose brains I want to pick, this little bugger really stood out to me. The second he came onto the screen, I KNEW I smelled the borderline on him. As I watched the series and read the manga, I noticed he is actually an incredibly well-written depiction of someone struggling with BPD. Reo is a super layered character and my favorite hobby is picking apart those layers and yapping incessantly about them, so here we are. I want to write this analysis for a few reasons:

1.) Too many people misunderstand Reo and categorize him as dramatic or childish without any elaboration and he deserves a proper character deep-dive. I think him being borderline explains a LOT of his reactions/choices throughout the story.

2.) Borderline representation is extremely important to me. I'm diagnosed borderline and have struggled with this disorder for around ten years now, so I get really excited when I spy BPD-coded characters (especially if they're likable people and not just ghoulish irredeemable villains or manic pixie dream girl characters). This disorder can be so isolating, especially when the majority of people will never even bother to research or understand it. I know that some people like to chalk Reo's emotional reactions up to him being a moody 17-year-old, but I think I have enough evidence to prove that this is undiagnosed BPD that's festering in his noggin. Not to mention, literally nobody else acts like this in the series. Reo is incredibly unique and distinct in the way he behaves through this narrative and I think it's way past the point of normal teenage angst. Regardless, believe what you want. He'll always be my borderline princess tho <3

3.) I have a master's degree in English and what good is that if I don't write long, painful, pointless essays on anime guys? Not that this is exceptionally well written, I just like to laugh at myself for getting a whole M.A and then this is the shit I publish online lmao

By the end of this, I hope I can shed some light on wtf is going on inside of Reo's silly little head. (I'm also obviously not a psychologist, don't use any of this to diagnose yourself pls I don't need the scandal)

If you want to read, buckle up, because this is gonna be a long one!

First, let me define BPD- It's a personality disorder characterized by a long-standing pattern of instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, and self-image. At its core, it is a disorder categorized by emotional dysregulation (the inability to regulate one's emotional responses) People with BPD feel everything EXTREMELY hard. That's important to keep in mind IMO, because while their reactions may seem dramatic or extreme, what they're feeling IS dramatic and extreme. Everything they're feeling is amplified, so their reactions are amplified. Obviously from the outside, people assume it's an overreaction since they can't see what's going on inside the borderline's head. When you sit down and dissect the thought process of someone like Reo, it becomes a lot easier to understand why they react the way that they do to certain situations.

(Also, I'm not going to reiterate more than once that an explanation is not an excuse to treat people poorly. I cannot read ANYTHING on BPD without hearing every 2 minutes how the disorder isn't an excuse to hurt other people. We get it!! I'm explaining it, not excusing it. This enter essay is an analysis of why someone acts the way they do, not whether or not it's excusable)

So then, what behaviors/signs does somebody need to exhibit to receive a borderline diagnosis? The 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD are as follows:

1. Fear of abandonment

2. Unstable or changing relationships

3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self

4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors

5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury

6. Varied or random mood swings

7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness

8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights

9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

Someone would only need 5 of these to receive a proper diagnosis. Just with the main story and the spin-off manga that is currently released, I think I have enough evidence to argue that Reo has 8 out of 9 criteria for a BPD diagnosis. For the sake of organization, I’m gonna group some of those together though, indicated by a + symbol. I also want to define a few important terms before I start yapping, so that y'all without BPD can understand wtf I'm even talking about.

Favorite Person (fp) - This is someone who holds massive significance in a borderline's life. They emotionally depend on this person a lot and to a certain extent, their worldview almost revolves around them.

Splitting- the change in perception of someone or something caused by black-or-white thinking or dichotomous thinking. It is the devaluation of someone who was once idealized and vice versa.

Mirroring (aka: the chameleon effect)- the constant, unconscious change in one's identity or sense of self by imitating another person’s behaviors, characteristics, or traits. It is common in people who have a vacant or distorted self-image which is a general symptom of BPD.

Now, time for me to break down the most prominent moments where Reo showcases borderline behavior. As I mentioned, I'm going to try and organize this under each criteria point (with some being grouped together)

Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self:

Before I delve into Reo's relationships, I want to start with his baseline sense of identity. It’s established early on that Reo is a very bored, empty, unsatisfied person. Nothing excites him, nothing motivates him, and everything is handed to him. He’s frustrated because his parents notoriously try and buy his affection even though he doesn't want anything. For most of his life up until the narrative starts, he's wandering through life empty and frustrated. That is, until he finally sets his sights on soccer and decides to dedicate his life to winning the World Cup:

The wording, 'proves my existence' is interesting here. I think this is the first instance Reo has felt alive. So far, the only notable thing about him has been his family and his money. He hasn't achieved anything exceptional for himself, but now he has that opportunity. With this goal, he can really build something up from nothing and make it his own. It's almost like he's clinging to this dream to prove that he has some purpose in his life other than being the family heir.

Now, this dream changes when he meets Nagi, of course. I'm not gonna focus too much on their relationship in this section, but I will mention that meeting Nagi shifted Reo's entire dream, and not for the better. Through the narrative, his dream went from:

Winning the World Cup

Winning the World Cup with Nagi

Proving to Nagi that leaving him behind was a mistake

Improving himself and becoming a good striker on his own

Being a tool for Nagi to become the best striker

Had Nagi not come in and ask for Reo to come back to him, I think Reo could have done a great job at establishing his own sense of identity without Nagi. But no matter how much he works on himself, with Nagi in the picture, he's never going to value himself more than Nagi. Reo lets Nagi cloud his identity to the point where Isagi calls him out and asks what he's even doing at Blue Lock in the first place, since he clearly can't survive on his own, he needs Nagi with him.

After dealing with the turmoil of being abandoned by Nagi, Reo goes through a few stages. He starts with wanting to become somebody worthy of being beside Nagi, somebody that Nagi would want to choose. Devoting himself to becoming stronger and more versatile, his end goal is to have Nagi realize he made a mistake by leaving him behind. After a few more matches, Reo starts to realize that he needs to grow and change and become a stronger, better version of himself for himself and not for other people.

He decides that the fight was all his fault to begin with, that he should have never forced Nagi to play soccer and now he is going to get back to what his dream was originally, combined with his new desire to be a stand-alone player (and person, for that matter). Reo accepts the mistakes that he made, admits that he shouldn't have forced his ideals onto Nagi, and resolves to become a better person for HIMSELF. That's excellent!

Of course, Reo can't be happy for TOO long. Nagi comes out of the woodwork saying that he can't beat Isagi on his own and asks for Reo's help. Reo does stand up for himself a bit, saying that Nagi is being inconsiderate of his feelings and mentioning how long it took for him to recover from Nagi leaving. Now, the BPD trait here is how Reo not only forgives Nagi and is jumping on him and hugging him THE NEXT PAGE, but he also just disregards everything he said in this sequence. In a matter of two minutes, he no longer wants to be a player that can fight on his own or improve for himself, he wants to improve for Nagi. He starts ruminating again about how hurt he was when Nagi left, but now he's saying all of it wasn't so that he could get stronger individually, it was so that he could be reunited with Nagi again. Nagi asking for his help and saying that now they can play together again motivate Reo more than anything we've seen so far. (Nagi notoriously throws Reo little affection crumbs like this that Reo eats up, but I'm not trying focus on that) Now, Reo's alright with being a tool for Nagi's success again. Everything that happened was supposed to make him stronger so he could be a better partner to Nagi, right? Reo also says as the chapter ends, to please let him be a part of Nagi's dream until Nagi becomes the world's best striker. That's literally so sad!

He's also immediately back to the 'our' 'we' 'us' talk as well. If he can master his chameleon style in order to keep Nagi above the rest of the players, he wont get left behind again. If he devotes his time and energy into being a solo striker like the rest of these guys, Reo knows that he wont be able to keep up. This was always supposed to be his role, right? Building Nagi up to his full potential! :*)

I also like the detail that Reo is back to hugging Nagi and holding him, but Nagi never really touches him back. I think Reo's love language is touch for sure, not that it's incredibly relevant, but I do think it shows that Reo is back to being 100% comfortable around Nagi as if their fight never happened. I hear a lot of fans asking how Reo could have forgiven Nagi so easily, and I say this with my entire chest, it's the BPD. The black-and-white thinking combined with Nagi being Reo's fp and the excruciating pain of being abandoned by him in the first place ?? Of course he's going to take him back. Also, I've seen people blame Reo for not saying no to Nagi when he asks for help and I have to say that is an absolutely insane take. How are we gonna look at a panel where Nagi asks for help and then blame Reo for helping him?? I'm not going to focus on it too much in this post but in my opinion, it is crazy how little accountability both the narrative + fans give Nagi. Reo is pegged as responsible for both of their downfalls and it's nuts tbh.

Currently in the story, I think Reo's identity is still centered around Nagi. It's really easy for borderlines to structure their entire lives and personalities around their favorite person, but I can only hope that these two keep having open and honest discussions with one another. Hopefully, Reo will eventually learn that he can exist without Nagi and that he's more than just 'his arms and legs'.

Unstable or Changing Relationships:

The most notable relationship in Reo's life is Nagi. They're both each other's first real friends, which already sets up a less-than-ideal dynamic. Nagi has no idea how to communicate and he has pretty weak emotional intelligence. On the other hand, Reo is great at communicating, but he isn't used to regulating his emotions. For a lot of borderlines, they can go a very long time without experiencing any symptoms when they don't have a favorite person. When you think about it, the bulk of the disorder is shown through those interactions with other people. If Reo has never had a real friend in his life, I don't think he'd be used to the emotional turmoil that comes with having a fp.

The minute Reo meets Nagi, he's attached. All his classmates notice it, too. They question why Reo is suddenly so obsessed with this random kid who has no interest in him. Reo is ignoring everybody that isnt Nagi.

Very quickly, Reo boils down his view of the world to being him and Nagi versus everybody else, and he makes that very clear. It also depicts something that I think is incredibly crucial to Reo’s character that a lot of people overlook; as Nagi develops to be Reo’s favorite person, Reo’s dream isnt ‘playing soccer’ anymore. It’s Nagi. It’s being with Nagi, playing soccer with Nagi, being useful to Nagi, taking care of Nagi, and being somebody important to Nagi. He doesnt teach Nagi the rules or how to actually play, he teaches Nagi how to play with him. He literally re-writes and re-structures the game so that it can center around him and Nagi. Nagi calls him out on this in the spin-off manga:

Reo doesnt care about the structure of the game, he cares about Nagi. The other people on the field don't matter. The other team doesn't matter. He also starts to unknowingly put Nagi up on a pedestal, which is another borderline trait. He starts reiterating that Nagi is special, he's different from everybody else, he's destined to achieve great things. The more he raises Nagi up, the more he isolates the two of them in his mind, reiterating the idea that it's them against everybody else. His language reflects this too: Reo exclusively talks with 'us' 'we' 'our', insinuating that they're going to do everything together.

When Ego says that there can't be two winners, Reo says that he'll make Nagi the best striker. His 'ego' will be making Nagi successful. Along with putting Nagi on this pedestal, Reo also very early on establishes the fact that he'd pick Nagi over himself any day of the week. He's the only person in Blue Lock who really couldn't care less about becoming a striker himself: his dream is to be a tool in Nagi's success. Or, in simpler terms, he wants to be useful and make Nagi happy.

These two were in trouble from the very beginning. Nagi is lazy as all hell, has 0 motivation to do anything, and his dream is to live a life of luxury and never have to work. Reo, being the borderline baddie that he is, is more than happy to do EVERYTHING for Nagi. Borderlines love extremely hard! It's one of our best traits and I think it's important to showcase that Reo is a massive sweetheart at his core. He clearly loves Nagi a lot and goes to extreme lengths to make sure he feels taken care of. To someone with BPD, NOTHING is too big of an ask for a person they love, especially if that person is their fp. I also disagree with the argument that Reo 'made' Nagi codependent. Nagi likes being taken care of, he says it all the time. If you ask me, I would actually argue that Nagi takes advantage of Reo a little bit because he knows that Reo will do anything for him. But regardless, I think that Reo starts to develop an unspoken expectation with Nagi that he'll provide him with everything he needs, and in turn, Nagi will stick around. I don't think he's doing this intentionally, nor do I think it's being done in a manipulative way. I just think that Reo has a dormant fear of being abandoned that he doesn't totally know he has yet.

It isn't just Nagi that Reo showcases having unstable relationships with, though. Zantetsu is another good example. Reo starts out disliking Zantetsu, he snaps at him a couple times, and calls him a moron more than once. He starts to warm up to him because Nagi tells him to. The favorite person has MASSIVE sway in the borderline's life. If Nagi likes someone, Reo likes them too. (This is, of course, on the condition that they aren't a threat, looking at you Isagi).

In the immediate next chapter, Reo is acting like they're all best friends. He's climbing on top of them in their big bed, saying that the three of them are gonna win their matches, being a little pookie. He goes from not liking this guy at all to considering him one of his close friends super fast. Also on the topic of Isagi, when they're making up the teams for the second selection, Nagi doesn't initially want to tell Reo that he wants Isagi on their team bc he's worried Reo will be upset. But, when he does finally say it, Reo is literally fine with it because like I said, who Nagi likes, Reo likes! On the condition that they don't replace Reo, which clearly happened soon after.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, Reo also shows how he can go from loving someone to despising him very quickly. After Chigiri and Kunigami tell him to get back up in the game post-Nagi's abandonment, we can literally see the switch flip in Reo's head:

Suddenly, he hates Nagi. Nagi's a jerk who abandoned him; he never cared about him, and he threw him away. Dude literally says "Let's kill the bastards that betrayed us". This act of unintentional devaluing is called splitting. What Reo's essentially doing is going from one extreme to the other: if Nagi isn't his perfect treasure, he's the devil that broke his heart. There's no room for a grey area. The reasoning behind borderline's developing this black-and-white mindset is rooted in self-defense. If Reo devalues Nagi into being nothing more than a traitor, then he's stripping away the power that Nagi has to hurt him. If he looks at him like a rival or a villain, it's protecting him from being hurt by Nagi again.

That doesn't mean that he genuinely believes any of this, more so, he's trying to convince himself that it's true. We see that at his core, the reason he's acting like this is because he's hurt. I'll go more into it later on, but he's constantly thinking, what does Isagi have that I don't? What do I have to do in order to win Nagi back? This black-and-white thinking is an automatic self-defense mechanism that I think he's doing subconsciously. Regardless, the shifting he's doing here can cause a little whiplash, which brings me to:

Varied or random mood swings + Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights:

I can’t think of a better way to describe Reo's temperament than the wiki, so let me quote it: "Generally, he seems to feel every emotion with full force and is extremely aware of his own faults and shortcomings, which is evident in several instances of painful breakdowns shown in the spin-off manga. Due to his high emotionality, he can even get violent when he loses his temper."

Reo is characterized as being emotionally unstable. When he's happy, he's elated! When he's sad, he's miserable. There are a ton of scenes between the manga and spin-off manga that show how fast his emotions can flip, but this one was one of my personal favorites:

In this scene, Reo has developed a little scheme in the dining hall where the guys are trading their side dishes. At face value, a throwaway moment. But, I think it's worth looking at because not only does this show Reo's emotional response being triggered in an opposite, semi-extreme direction, but the root cause for the reaction was that he felt rejected by Zantetsu. In his own weird way, he's asking Zantetsu to come over and hang out with him. He's not being exceptionally clear with that message, but I can still pick up on it. "You wanna join in, don't you?" He's extending the invite, making himself vulnerable, and Zantetsu shoots him down by saying nah, I'm fine with my noodles. Reo JUMPS on him like YOU KNOW WHAT? I TOOK THAT PERSONALLY! lol. Jokes aside, I think this moment is a great one to argue Reo's BPD tendencies because it's such a seemingly mundane interaction. Even Zantetsu is surprised by Reo's random outburst. This also sets up the fact that one of Reo's most obvious triggers is being rejected/abandoned/betrayed, an extremely common one between those of us with BPD.

Other instances of Reo having a bad temper are a lot more obvious. In the match against teams V and Z, Reo straight up elbows Raichi in the throat, and then tries to go throw hands with Kuon for hurting Nagi. He only stops because if he gets into any more fights, he’ll get thrown out of the game and won't be able to play with Nagi anymore. He’s visibly pissed though and calls Team Z a joke. Hell, even Reo himself can recognize on a certain level that he can't control his emotions: they control him. They cloud his judgment and make him react in ways that he wish he didn't.

He is constantly plagued by these extreme emotional reactions that are out of his control. Not to say that people with BPD are unable to ever control their emotions, because we can! It takes time and therapy and practice though, which Reo hasn't had. His lack of regulation is also why he has such a dramatic and extreme meltdown when Nagi abandons him.

Fear of Abandonment:

Reo's biggest trigger and the cause of his inner turmoil throughout Blue Lock is his fear of abandonment. I mentioned before that I think he's had this fear dormant inside of him for a while as so many borderlines do, since he hasn't had the chance to experience it before. He alludes to it early on when they first arrive at Blue Lock:

The thought of leaving Nagi for somebody else? Reo considers that heartless. They came together, after all. They're going to win the world cup together. Nagi could break both of his legs and Reo wouldn't leave him, because again, Reo isn't there to team up with the best player and become the best striker in the world: he's there to play with Nagi!! And, like I said, in Reo's mind it's him and Nagi vs everyone else-

Reo exhibits a lot of signs early on of being jealous while they're playing in Blue Lock. I mean, as we discussed, everything should be focused around him and Nagi. When Nagi passes to Zantetsu in the team V and Y match, Reo pulls up like 'hey, why didn't you pass it to me?? ):' There are a lot of little moments like that, but Reo's jealousy is a lot more relevant to my argument after he gets abandoned by Nagi.

Let's talk about that word: abandoned. It seems dramatic, right? Reo uses that term constantly and exclusively. Every time he brings that moment up, he uses the word 'abandoned', or he'll say 'betrayed' or 'chose'. These are very definitive words. He’s not saying Nagi ditched him or flaked on him or blew him off, no; he has abandoned him. That word choice may seem disproportionate to the situation, but that's Reo's reality. This was the ultimate betrayal to him. The constant use of that vocabulary reiterates that in Reo's mind, there is no grey area. Either Nagi chooses him, or he chooses someone else. In choosing someone else, he abandons Reo. Reo is paranoid that Nagi isn't ever going to come back to him and it's because of something that Reo is lacking. How can Nagi like Isagi more than him, anyway?

Now, I do fault Nagi a bit for not communicating better at that moment. I understand that he's bad at communication, but I don't think Reo could have been more obviously upset if he tried. The dude was in TEARS. Nagi saw him devastated and then expected everything to be fine when he met him in the bathhouse? Idk. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he didn't realize it would upset Reo to such an extreme: maybe he thought that they would miss each other, but Reo wouldn't take it personally. I'm doing my best not to harp on Nagi since this is about Reo.

Abandonment is detrimental to people with BPD. It causes extreme inner turmoil that we see with Reo as the story progresses because it is the only thing he can think about. If he isn't trying to cover up his hurt feelings with this idea of revenge, he's self-destructing over being abandoned. He becomes obsessed with wondering why Nagi chose Isagi over him. Was there something wrong with him? Isagi isn't that impressive, why would Nagi rather be with him? These thoughts torture him endlessly and fuel his desire to 'steal' Nagi back. He literally says to Isagi, that he's going to steal Nagi back. Much to his dismay though, Reo starts to notice that Isagi is bringing out some positive traits in Nagi. Nagi's entire vibe is different with Isagi. Nagi is having fun playing soccer without Reo. In fact, he's having more fun. He's making plays he's never made before. His face is visibly different; he's more excited than before.

This is heartbreaking for Reo. Not only was he right that Isagi did have something to offer Nagi that he couldn't, but Reo is having a massive self-hate spiral during this point as well, so he's internalizing all of his flaws and mistakes while the thought is sitting in the back of his head: did Nagi actually have a good reason for abandoning me? Was I not enough to satisfy him? Did I only drag him down? This gets significantly worse the longer he watches Nagi and Isagi play:

Everything is falling apart. Nagi is doing completely fine without Reo, and Reo is an absolute mess. We're circling back to Reo's lack of identity here as well. He's watching firsthand that he's losing Nagi to Isagi: what does he do? What happens to him if he loses Nagi, who is he without Nagi? He's overwhelmed during this match and at one point Reo literally screams that he's going to tear apart their connection. Jealousy is consuming him, but it's also those feelings of inferiority and wondering if he really did deserve to be abandoned. If Nagi is so happy without him, maybe he really did have a reason. These are the thoughts that are circling around in Reo's head. Not to mention, he is constantly tortured by the flashbacks of Nagi leaving him, which I think is a great detail. Some readers might say it's just pointless recapping but I disagree, I think it's depicting how traumatic that was for Reo. As a borderline, being abandoned by your fp IS traumatic. Reo relives that moment so many times because so many things trigger it for him throughout Blue Lock. He can't even look at Chigiri and Kunigami without thinking about him and Nagi. It's a really devastating experience that quickly deteriorates him emotionally.

Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness + Suicidal behavior or self-injury:

One of my favorite things about Reo is the fact that he is self-aware that he's behaving somewhat irrationally, but he doesn't know how to stop. When we look at one of the several times that Reo is curled up crying over Nagi, he mentions how he really did want to tell Nagi to go and have fun, but he didn't. He couldn't. The visuals shift for this too:

Reo doesnt want to be acting this way, but he can't help it, and that's frustrating to him. It makes him start feeling ashamed of himself. His inner thoughts start to spiral and he feels weak and alone. He's reflecting here on what his true feelings really were at that moment, and how scared and lonely and weak he felt as a result of Nagi leaving him behind.

These feelings quickly evolve into Reo feeling worthless and falling into bouts of self-hatred. He's so ashamed of the way he's feeling and behaving but it feels so out of his control. He says, "maybe if I hadn't gone to Blue Lock in the first place, I wouldn't have to experience this feeling." As I said before, borderline's feel things EXTREMELY intensely; the disorder is described as living with third-degree burns all over your body. Everything hurts. His feelings are so intense and all-consuming right now, it's all he can think about:

I saw some posts in the fandom reddit asking why Reo is acting like this. One in particular reads: "I get that he is betrayed and stuff but he is acting like it’s the end of the world, is it explained later why he acts like this? Is it because he doesn’t think he can win without Nagi?" Not to call this person out, I just want to answer the question in this post-

It has nothing to do with winning; it was never about winning. It was always about Nagi.

If we're looking at Reo through the borderline lens, it IS the end of the world for him. Nagi was his world. What's worse, he's fully aware that he's not acting rationally and he doesn't know why, which is making him feel ashamed and weak and embarrassed. Now I know why he's acting like this, but there are no Blue Lock psychiatrists sitting around to wack him with the mood stabilizers or the DBT handbook, so he's gonna stay feeling like a monster.

He lets these thoughts, along with the resentment and anger from being abandoned in the first place, fuel him for the second selection match. As he's watching the game play out, as Nagi is about to score the winning goal, Reo's mind starts racing with intrusive, negative thoughts.

He's praying that Nagi fails, that he gives up, that he stops trying, anything to stop that solidifying moment where he scores the winning goal and proves once and for all that not only was Reo not strong enough to stop him, but Nagi doesn't need him anymore. He catches himself really quickly, because he realizes he's sounding just like his parents. Everything is spinning out of control so bad, Reo wants Nagi to end up in a vulnerable position so that he isn't the only one falling apart. As he catches himself thinking this, he's disgusted with himself. He calls himself 'utter trash', and as he watches Nagi score the winning goal, he falls to his knees, wishing he was dead.

As he sits there decomposing in emotional turmoil and suicidal ideation, Nagi's team chooses Chigiri to join them, and it's the nail in the coffin. This is probably Reo's lowest point in the entire story IMO. Nagi comes up to compliment him on his plays and Reo shows us another classic borderline move: he's anticipating how bad it's going to hurt to be abandoned by Nagi again, so he's trying to push him away before it can happen. We see the dichotomy of his spoken words and inner thoughts here, where he's talking big game to Nagi, saying things like 'you clearly don't care about me anymore, you're throwing me away, if you're going to abandon me just do it properly', while internally he's thinking 'I'm the worst, I wish I was dead, please take this bait and break my heart so that I can self destruct in peace'.

i LOVE the visuals during this moment. This is what Reo thinks is his last line of defense, the last thing he can do to preserve any part of his dignity is to make Nagi hate him so that he'll stop throwing these crumbs of affection at him. It's also really telling that despite his switch in behavior and the devaluing of Nagi, the root of all of that is STILL that he was so hurt by the abandonment.

I don't think I need to analyze the suicidal ideation because he just straight up says he wants to die like three times in this scene but, aside from that, the visual of his inner thoughts vs what he's actually saying is so powerful. Not to mention the chameleon imagery which i'll geek out about in a second, this is another example of his black and white thinking along with the reiteration that being abandoned was literally traumatic for Reo: he says they can never go back to what they were before. Speaking as a borderline, this is painfully true. When people break my trust even in a small way, I can never view them the same as I used to. I can forgive them and let it go, but I'll never be as open with them as I once was. In Reo's shoes, he had Nagi up on this pedestal that he was perfect and would never do anything to hurt him, but he did hurt him (in the worst way possible).

After Nagi tells him he's a pain in the ass and that he doesn't care anymore, Reo thanks him for 'finishing him off'. In his mind, they're done now and he can suffer in peace and quiet without dragging Nagi down anymore.

Bonus Point: The Chameleon Effect

I LOVE THE FACT THAT HIS THING IS CHAMELEONS AHHHH

The chameleon imagery with Reo makes me INSANE dude. As I mentioned towards the beginning of this post, a part of borderline that is seldom talked about is the tendency to take on 'the chameleon effect', or mirror the people around them. REO'S ENTIRE THING IS CHAMELEONS LIKE BFFR ?? That image where he was trying to get Nagi to hate him, was before he even started using his chameleon style, it was just something the authors thought was necessary to include during Reo's mental breakdown. Aside from the cool imagery, his chameleon style is a reflection of his relationship with Nagi. He gets called a jack of all trades and a master of none early on in reference to how when he’s without Nagi, hes not really exceptional at anything. He never really took the time to master one specific thing because he was always so concerned with helping Nagi. This rings my BPD bell for a couple reasons: first of all, when you have no sense of identity and you’re worried it means you have no real personality ?? Steal one!! Take the closest person to you and copy that one. That’s something us baddies know VERY well. Also, think there’s something about you that your fp doesn’t like? Change it! You can morph into anything they want as long as it means they won’t leave you !! :*) Before he makes up with Nagi, he copies moves in hopes that it'll make him stronger and appear more desirable to Nagi. After they make up, he copies whoever he has to so that he can get Nagi to that goal and make himself useful, make himself somebody that Nagi wants to have around. It is a literal direct metaphor for him changing anything and everything about himself for Nagi and graaaahhhh it’s so cool

Reonagi ?? Some thoughts-

I want to close this yap session with my thoughts on Reonagi as a ship. I do think that they can work and I want to make that clear. I'm not on board with the 'borderlines arent capable of having loving and fulfilling relationships' crap. That being said, they both have to put in a bit of effort. Reo has already recognized a lot of his own issues. He admits that he was wrong for pushing his ideals onto Nagi, that he needs to let Nagi grow and be his own person, etc. Nagi really hasn't accepted any fault. I stand by the fact that Nagi needs to be more sensitive with Reo. Way too often when a relationship like this fails, all the blame is put on the one with borderline. I'm gonna be the outlier here and say that if Nagi cares about Reo, he needs to learn about Reo's triggers and be mindful of them. I'm not saying that since Reo is sensitive to abandonment that Nagi should just isolate himself from everybody else, but what I am saying is that when he's going to do something that doesn't involve Reo, he needs to learn how to communicate that he still loves and values Reo. "I'm gonna go play soccer with this person right now, but I haven't forgotten about our promise. When I come back, we can play together. I still love you and I'm not going to leave you for whoever tf I'm playing with rn." (sneaking that 'i love you' in bc like..they're literally canon at this point asdfghjkll) But, I do think that Nagi loves Reo and cares about him in his own way. The two of them just have to keep working on their communication skills. Nagi has the potential to have a hot rich husband who will literally bend over backward for him and buy him all the robux he could ever want, he's gotta put in a shred of effort!

I also like to think that Nagi didn’t totally get the fact that Reo doesn’t gaf about just playing soccer. Nagi thinks soccer is what they do together, it’s what makes reo happy, right? He’s always pushing him to train harder and take the game more seriously because he likes the sport, RIGHT? It would make perfect sense to go play with isagi so that he can get better at soccer and come back to reo a more improved player. Maybe that’s why he was surprised when Reo was so mad in the bathhouse, bc he wasn’t making the connection that Reo cares more about him than soccer. That Reo puts all that energy into him playing soccer because he thinks it’s something that they can have as their own, and once Nagi notices how good he is, he’ll start enjoying it and the two of them can hold hands and run around the soccer pitch!! I think Nagi missed that part tbh, and I don’t think he know that even now in the story. Maybe Reo doesn’t even notice it.

Anyway, a shameless plug to my reonagi playlist if that's your thing (i cooked with this one, i fear) https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5CsvSqmuI4cxOl1nTaV4GJ?si=737a0f21e0bd482a

Closing Thoughts:

Reo is a bpd baddie and I love him very much. I think he's a sensitive guy with a lot of feelings who would benefit from taking time to work through his trauma and his emotions. I hope that he eventually is able to build an identity for himself that doesn't involve Nagi, but baby steps, I suppose. I think Reo is a great balance of positive and negative borderline traits and he reads as a really believable and sympathetic character. He is, however, definitely that friend that you have to slap to stop them from running back to their ex.

Jokes aside though, BPD can be extremely hard to live with, even more so when it's undiagnosed and untreated. If someone you love has BPD, take the time to read up on it and do your best to understand them. I promise you, it will mean the world to them.

If you managed to get this far, thank you for reading! This was a messy stream of consciousness and I appreciate your support by listening.

[alllgator-blood]

I have ten billion WIP sketches I need to finish, but for some reason I stayed up from 9 PM to 4 AM conceptualizing, making patterns, sewing, painting and applying makeup on this stupid fucking felt squid......the detailing needs to be cleaned up cause there's only one coat of paint so far, but he's pretty much done

my neighbors probably think I'm insane because I was running around the yard clenching this toy kallamar in a death grip and flying him around like an airplane/putting him in the barbecue/poking him with a stick. I want to tie him to a string and recreate the opening of napoleon dynamite >:) ALSO I MADE HIM SMOKE OUT OF A STUPID CRYSTAL PIPE BUT PLEASE DON'T ACTUALLY USE THOSE, THEY ARE SUPER TOXIC LMAO MINE IS FOR DECORATION

I don't have any process pics because I had tunnel vision autism style and forgot the rest of the universe existed while I was working on him. BUT if you're curious I'll ramble below the cut

Okay I am not a seamstress by any means. I've sewn my entire life but very, very infrequently. I've done plushies, clothes, cosplays, fursuits, accessories, etc. but I only do one like once a year, so while I planned to make all 5 bishops, I'm not really sure I'll get them all done. The material cost was like 20 bucks tops so I'm not too upset if I don't finish them. I AT LEAST WANT TO GET SHAMURA OR HEKET DONE.

here is the concept sketch ft. heket's toes and shamura's fingers. I decided to do his pre-schism version so I could fit him with jewelry! I did him first because like I said I sew infrequently and don't know wtf I'm doing, everyone else seemed a lot more complicated.

So I basically just traced this drawing on a printer paper-sized canvas in SAI, and guesstimated how everything would look in a 3D space. His head is four pieces, one triangle identical to the one in the picture, two wide triangles that are sewn together in the back, and a circle for his chin. You can't really see it in any of the pics but he's literally like a black cylindrical stick with little tentacles sewn on where his mantle connects to his cloak. The leg tentacles are one piece of felt that look like tassels, where they're connected by a rectangle but branch off into individual pieces. He can't stand up very well, so his cape keeps him up (that's gonna be an issue for every other bishop too except heket cause she's gonna be ROUND). Mostly everything like the crown, cloak, head, etc. are cones so I just had to make a lot of wide triangles.

For the details, I just used acrylic paint that was watered down so he's not especially crunchy, and for the blush tone I used a makeup palette my mom bought me 10 years ago in hopes I'd get in touch with my "feminine side", but I grew up into a nonbinary butch lesbian so OOPS. Kallamar looks better with makeup than me anyway. I'm kinda sad I couldn't get his freckles as lopsided as I draw them but it probably looks better in plush form to have them even anyway....

I could just post the pattern so I don't have to explain this but 1. I am mentally ill about the thought of my kallamar being in someone else's house and 2. the original pattern had to be tweaked while I was working on him so the final pattern straight up doesn't exist, I winged it the whole time

OH and the jewelry is just scrap pieces I had laying around, I might repaint it all to be gold instead of silver + bronze. I used 20g aluminum wire for his armlet thing, jumper rings for his earrings + ring (+ a diamond dot from my mom's kits for the gem) and chain for the bracelet. I made him an amulet as well but it felt like overkill so I took it off. I'm probably gonna make him a plague doctor mask and medicine bag sometime because I think about nurse kallamar more than I probably should :') I've already sewn one as a prop for a toy raven before so it shouldn't be too hard

[romanarose]

Happy New Year, Mr. Miller

DBF!Joel Miller x fem!reader

Join my taglist : Masterlist

Summary: It's almost midnight, and you aren't sure you're getting a new years kiss. Joel is a little preoccupied with your mouth.

Warnings: Throat fucking, blowjob while on the phone with your father, cumming in mouth, cum swapping, gagging. Reader attempts to move away from his dick, not because she doesn't want it but she assumes he wants her to stop, but Joel pushes her head backdown. Reader and Joel have an establish system for checking in and whats okay and what isn't. If reader wanted to stop, she could let Joel know and he'd stop. Reader's dad hears her gag on Joel but doesn't know Joel is getting a bj

Immersbility: Reader is fem, has grabable hair longenough to put in pigtails.

A/N THATS IT! DBF Holiday Joel is a series now. Have fun. Previous part here with Tommy

**************

After Joel shared you with his brother, you are surprised and relieved to find him acting normal around you. Sure, sometimes you'd see him wink after you and Joel interacted nonchallantly at a family event, all of you keeping the secret of your relationship with your dads best friend. Luckily, it didn't seem that Tommy had any expectation of having you again. You would love to be shared, Tommy fuck well, the 'uncle Tommy' bit was hot, and Tommy was beautiful to look at... but you didn't want to just be something the Miller brothers used.

Unfortunately for you, you're little trysts with Joel were developing into real feelings.

"You're gonna kiss me at midnight, right?" You asked Joel, on your knees in Tommy's spare bedroom. Joel had not so subtly carted you off into privacy 5 minuets before midnight at Tommy's New Years Eve party. Being here was a little risky, but Tommy promised no one your dad new would be here.

Joel loved the way you looked on your knees for him, pretty eyes looking up as you jerked him off. "Now baby, is that any way to speak to me?" He chided you.

You frown, a little disappointed in yourself. "Sorry, daddy."

Taking his cock in his hand, Joel guided your mouth to his length. "Better make it up to me, only got a few minuets before midnight, and if you're gonna have your mouth free, you're gonna need to hurry."

He was so frustrating sometimes, but you were a good girl and you would do what you were told. You went to work, taking him down your throat slowly before picking up speed. Gagging a bit, you let the drool drip down your chin. Joel liked it messy.

If you weren't acutely aware that Joel was twice your age, you were when he got a phone call, with his ringer on, and it played that old country default ringer Walmart phones come with. Absolutely insane. Your blood runs cold when Joel answers, he fucking answers the phone with your mouth around his cock. And greets your dad.

Assuming Joel wants you to stop, you begin to pull yourself away but a large hand goes to the back of your head between your pigtails into your hair and thrusts you down, making you gag up saliva.

You can hear your dad over the phone asking if he's okay. Fuck, he heard you.

"Yeah I'm good, just a bit of a cold. Got all that mucus."

2 minuets to midnight. Joel's not going to kiss you, and he's gonna ring in the new year with his dick in your mouth on the phone with your dad. Great.

Desperate to please, desperate to make him cum, you move quicker, hands moving to his heavy balls hoping to speed up the process. It seemed to work. The clock just hit 11:59 when Joel announces. "Well, happy new year, see yuh next week!" And when your dad hangs up, Joel throws the phone at the couch, gripping both of your half-up pigtails

"Teasing little slut." He grunts, taking control of the pace. 30 seconds left, and Joel fucking your throat, snapping his hips into your mouth as you continue to play with his balls. "Couldn't even wait a few minuets to suck on your daddy?"

10

Drool dribbles down your face, Joels public hair thrust up against your nose.

9

"You wore this hair just because you wanted daddy to control you, didn't you?"

8

You did, he was right.

7

"Fucking drink it up, drink daddy's milk, make daddy proud"

6

Joel's cock flooded your mouth, overflowing you. As he continued to thrust, his cum spilled out around the corners of your mouth.

5

"Little baby needs a bib, doesn't she?"

4

Joel pulls out, allowing you to finally breath, feeling dizzy from excitment.

3

Maybe if he didn't kiss you, he'd at least make it up to you by making you cum multiple times

2

Joel swoops down, taking your chin in his hands tightly, making it known who you belong to.

1!

His lips on yours, hungrily devouring you whole. With his tongue claiming you, Joel was not deterred by the taste of his cum in your mouth, in fact he early lapped it up, exploring the corners of you and licking up every drop. You, however, were preoccupied. You loved the feeling of your daddy's mouth on yours his soft lips, warm his, strong and dominating presence. You didn't have to worry about a thing when he was around, it was just a shame it wasn't all that often.

When he finaly pulled away, fireworks from the window illuminating his brown skin making Joel look downright angelic. "Happy New Year, baby girl."

You nuzzle up against his cheek. "Happy new year, Mr. Miller."

***************

Up next, Valentines day!

Or should I do something for presidents day XD

EDIT. Embarrassing. Realized Presidents’ Day is after Valentine’s Day. Rip. Keeping it up bc that’s a funny thing for me to forget

Anyways, HAPPY NEW YEAR YALL!!!

I adore you!

Im not getting rid of my tag list, but im adding an update blog, @romana-updates ! come follow and/or turn on notifications so you dont miss a thing!

But if being tagged is more your style, comment on the tag list linked above!

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[ramblingthoughtsofayoungadult]

Unpredictable, Part 9-Limoreau x black!fem!reader fic

A/N: I'm finally updating! Thanks for your patience. Also, I didn't fully rewatch the episode so there will be some differences. Let me know if you wanted to be added to the taglist. Also, if you were on the taglist and aren't on it for this post, it just means when I typed your username, it didn't pop up. Enjoy!

Word count: 7.1k

Warnings: Swearing, sensuality, some angst, and general reader! insecurities about relationships

Series Masterlist

Taglist: @badbishsblog, @gardenof-venus, @morelovemorepeacemoretattoo-blog , @darksoul100, @simiinthemirror

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was the blood around my mouth. The coppery taste made my stomach lurch as I sat up and touched my mouth.

At least it was dried blood.

The second thing I noticed was the dejected expression on Cate’s face as she sat up on the couch across from me. She stared down at the ground, but she wasn’t looking at anything. For a second, I started to reach a hand towards her but stopped when I remembered what she’d done.

Just as I set my hand back in my lap, Marie and Jordan jerked awake, making me flinch in the process. It wasn’t until I settled a little that I noticed they were flanking me, and I looked down at my lap to hide my wide smile and warm cheeks.

“Is this real?” Marie asked.

“Yes, this is real,” Cate confirmed.

Immediately, Jordan jumped to his feet and shifted to their female form. They grinned so widely at the result that their dimples showed and Marie visibly relaxed next to me. Then, I noticed Marie glance at me.

Maybe if it worked for Jordan…

I took a deep breath and tried to focus on what else would unfold in the day. Instead of a picture, all I saw were hazy black and gray figures in my mind and it felt like my brain had hit a wall. I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head.

“Really?” Marie asked, placing her hand on top of mine.

“Don’t worry about it,” I muttered, slowly pulling my hand away.

“I’m sorry, Y/N, your powers should come back soon,” Cate voiced hoarsely.

 I thought I nodded as I slowly moved to my feet. “I’m gonna go clean myself up.”

“Do you need any help?” Jordan offered.

“No, I got it.”

 After a few minutes of wandering through Dusty’s house, I found a semi-clean bathroom and locked the door as soon as I walked in. The faucet handles were slippery, and it took a few tries before I finally got the water running. When I reached for the paper towel roll on top of the toilet, I realized that my hands were trembling.

“Stop it, Y/N, calm down,” I hissed. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry ran through my head like a mantra as I patted my face with warm water.

“I do not need my powers to be myself,” I muttered. “I’m still me even if I can’t see potential future outcomes.”

Or help my friends or loved ones or pass any crim classes or get a job as a supe.

Then, I was thankful that the running water drowned out my sobs since I wasn’t sure how much of a noise blocker my hand was. I almost collapsed over the sink as my back shook with sobs and the hot tears ran down my face.

No matter how much I wanted to stop crying, I couldn’t. It was like all those years of holding it back made me incapable of doing it in the moment.

Why did this happen to me? Why do I have to get screwed over all the time? bitterly ran through my mind.

I never did anything to Cate to deserve this, nothing at all and she wiped me twice without thinking of the consequences. Wiping two days’ worth of memories from four people’s minds must have been a first for her. There was no telling what that could have done to her powers, and she still did it.

I don’t know why my brain decided that was the time to remember Cate’s playful smile when she talked me into sneaking off campus with the others or her sincerity when I processed my feelings about Jordan and Marie with her. My chest ached and it wasn’t like I had a chest cold----it was almost like I took a direct blow from Luke, but it ached worse than that.

None of Cate’s actions made sense at the moment. Shetty must have put in a lot of effort to manipulate her because she was my friend, almost like the big sister I never had. When I really thought about it, Cate was one of my most attentive friends. Whenever I was stressed or anxious, Cate would take me to her favorite campus green to meditate; when a creepy guy approached me at a party or club, Cate was one of the first people to intervene; and she always insisted that I joined her, Jordan, Andre, and Luke for study groups.

I had to know how she could go from that to rendering me powerless. As I finished cleaning the blood from around the left side of my mouth and nostril, a sinking feeling came over me.

If Shetty could do that to Cate then what had she done to me?

Knock! Knock!

The sound made me jump and shook me out of my stupor.

“One second!” I called, frantically wiping at the other side of my face.

As I stared at my reflection, I internally winced at my red, puffy eyes. It would take at least three rounds of Peter Thomas Roth under eye masks and endless eye drops to remedy them.

“I just wanted to check on you,” Marie’s voice softly called.

I almost froze and huffed.

“Oh, I’m fine.” I sniffled and wiped at my nose.

“I’ll believe you when you open the door.”

Did Marie have some sort of fixation with seeing me at my worst?

“Seriously, you can go back to the others,” I tried to insist.

“If you don’t, I will break down this door.”

“You wouldn’t do that.”

Marie paused. “Jordan would.”

I huffed and threw the used tissues and paper towel in the trash can. After taking three deep breaths to calm myself, I unlocked the door and let Marie in. She immediately entered the room, forcing me to back up. Slowly, her hands grabbed the sides of my face, and she looked me over, eyes softening at the bits of blood I hadn’t been able to clean.

Then, I carefully grabbed her hands and started pulling away. “You don’t have to get that close to see that I’m fine.”

“Oh, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” Marie apologized, then, she frowned. “Actually, no. After everything you said, you pushed me and Jordan away and ran as soon as we woke up; it’s confusing.”

I sighed and turned away from her as I grabbed more paper towel. “I’m sorry. After everything that happened when we were in Cate’s head, I didn’t want you or Jordan to see me like this…again.”

As soon as I turned towards the sink, Marie stepped in front of me and gently took the paper towel out of my hands. She gestured towards the toilet, and I sat on the seat as she wet the paper towel in the sink. After a few seconds, she turned off the faucet and leaned down in front of me.

Marie’s gaze was laser-focused as she cleaned up the rest of my face. The silence in the space was comfortable but I couldn’t stop fidgeting with my braids as she worked.

“When are you gonna understand that Jordan and I don’t care if you don’t look perfect all the time?” she finally uttered. “They just told you how we’re all messy in our own way and it’s okay that you’re a part of it.”

“I didn’t think I had any more tears left in me but I guess I was wrong,” I muttered with a shrug.

Marie hummed in response as she continued gently wiping my face. A few more seconds passed until she was finally done.

“Finding you and Cate scared the shit out of me,” she stated. “It felt like the ground fell out from under me and I had no idea what to do. Jordan had the idea of slowing down your heart rates and it worked but, I’m scared to think what would happen if it didn’t.”

“But it did work because you have amazing powers.” I grabbed her hands. “You saved me, and Cate and I know you’ll save more.” Then, I let go of her hands. “Well, not know-know.”

“Hey, you’ll get your powers back. We’ll figure something out,” Marie insisted. “But what if we don’t” hung on the tip of my tongue and I didn’t let it fall out. Instead, I watched Marie throw away the dirty paper towel and then she grabbed my hands.

“It’s okay to let us help you,” she said.

“But, you’ll get tired---”

“I won’t and I know Jordan won’t either. People take care of each other in relationships.”

I looked down at our clasped hands. “That’s all…new for me.”

Marie squeezed my hands. “Me too but, I know the basics.”

Having a loving family must have been nice; at least Marie had a normal baseline for how to be in a relationship. Then, I realized that she kept looking at me.

“What? Is there something else on my face? Did my eyes get worse?” I rambled.

Marie laughed. “No, your face is fine; pretty.”

My cheeks warmed at her words, and I couldn’t keep the grin off my lips. Then, I felt myself lean towards Marie and she quickly closed the gap. Her lips were slightly chapped but mostly soft against mine. As I pressed my lips against hers, I let go of Marie’s hands and tangled my hands in her twists. Marie’s hands ghosted up my hips and underneath my cardigan, pulling me closer to her.

I sighed at the feeling but didn’t stop kissing her. Somehow, Marie didn’t break the kiss as she stood, pulling me to my feet and running her hands up and down my back.

I could have stayed like that for a while but a scream followed by banging interrupted.

“SAM!” Emma yelled.

We broke apart and I grabbed Marie’s hand and tugged her out of the bathroom with me. When we got to the living room, it was a mess. On one end of the room, Jordan and Andre were picking themselves off the floor and trying to avoid all the broken glass and other furniture casualties. On the other end, Sam held a weak Cate up against a wall that already had a sizable hole in it. Based on the dust on Cate’s clothes, Sam had attacked her. Emma stood behind Sam, eyes wide but her voice calm. “Sam, it’s okay, you can let her go.”

“She hurt you---she made you forget,” Sam griped.

“But I’m okay now, everyone is okay now. You can let her go, she’s not going to hurt anyone else.”

It was hard to gauge how much I agreed with the last part of Emma’s statement, but I doubted Cate would go after one of us again soon. Slowly, Sam let her go and Cate collapsed on the ground, gasping. Marie hurried over to Cate’s side to help her up and Sam backed away from them, eyes still boring holes in the top of Cate’s head.

My eyes flitted to Emma, who seemed a little more relieved, and ran a hand through her messy hair.

“Why is your hair that messy?” I asked.

“What is it with people asking me that today? Why is your lip gloss smudged?”

Then, Jordan turned to me and raised an eyebrow. “Great timing, freshie.”

I thumbed at my lips and my cheeks warmed even more. “Get your head out of the gutter. Anyway, what brought you two back here?”

Emma straightened up. “We were looking for you guys because I wanted, well, actually, Sam has something he would like to say.”

Then, Emma gave Sam the same look her mom gave her when she needed her to improve on a take. Suddenly, Sam’s shoulders slumped, and he pouted as he gazed at the tips of his dirty sneakers.

“I’m sorry for almost killing you guys…twice. I’m working on getting better control of my emotions but being locked up for eighteen years really screws with your head,” Sam stated.

The silence that followed was almost unbearable. Cate’s eyes never left Sam as if she was waiting on him to pounce again; Marie frowned; Andre’s jaw clenched so hard that I wasn’t sure he would speak for a while; and Jordan cocked her head to the side.

Finally, Andre said, “You didn’t almost kill us.”

“Fifteen more seconds and he might have,” Jordan admitted.

“My head is still sore from the last time we met but I’m willing to move forward if you stop attacking us on sight,” I added.

“I’m really sorry about that. You’re Y/N, right? Emma talks about you all the time,” Sam commented.

I grinned. “Oh, really?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah, she was saying that you’re great but clueless about relationships and----”

Emma patted Sam’s chest. “Okay, Sam, that’s enough. We don’t have time to talk about that because of the other thing.”

I narrowed my eyes at Emma. “Clueless, seriously?”

She smiled sheepishly and I sighed.

Unfortunately, Emma wasn’t fully wrong, but she didn’t have to tell Sam that. Besides, I was working on it.

For the next few minutes, the two filled us in on everything that was going on in the Woods. How Shetty had Dr. Cardoza experimenting on supes and how several people Sam knew down there got sick. Even though most of them got better, a couple died.

“And they never experimented on you?” Andre asked.

“Not the way they did with Tommy. He was super messed up but a funny guy. One day, they took him away for a session with Cardoza and I never saw him again,” Sam recalled.

“And Shetty knows about all of this and is doing nothing to stop it?” Marie confirmed.

“She hates supes; she wants us all dead,” Sam griped.

Cate shook her head. “That…that can’t be true. Indira always helped me and Y/N.”

Jordan glared at her. “Come on, Cate. Shetty manipulated the shit out of you because she knew we were getting too close.”

“And I want to know why she wanted the two of us to be so close,” I added.

Cate bit her bottom lip and played with the hem of her sweater. “This…this is a lot.”

I nodded. “But it sounds like they’re working on a virus that targets supes. Based on what Sam described, maybe they picked strong supes that weren’t as useful as Sam to be guinea pigs.” “So, they come up with a virus to kill all of us?” Andre asked.

“I don’t know if that’s the goal, though. Vought has invested way too much money in making supes and if all the GOD U students dropped dead, that’s the next lineup of the Seven gone,” Jordan interjected.

“And society is built around supes, and the fallout would be bad,” Marie said.

“But if Shetty hates us so much, she wouldn’t care,” I thought.

“How is she getting away with this when Vought watches everything? She has to report to them all the time,” Jordan wondered.

Since Brink died, Shetty had to have even more people working under her than before. It would be easy to have certain people cover up for her or maybe the woman was gifted at hiding heinous plots. Seeing how much effort she put into manipulating Cate, there was no telling how far Shetty was willing to go to hide the Woods.

“Shetty could lie on the reports; it’s not like Vought reads through everything carefully,” I pointed out.

“So, what do we do?” Emma asked.

At the moment, I wished that I had my powers. It would have made it much easier to come up with a plan. Instead, I didn’t try but racked my brain for ideas.

“I can help here,” Cate announced.

Everyone turned to her in unison, and no one looked confident. In all honesty, Sam seemed to be contemplating going after her again; Emma looked as though she wished Cate would stop talking; Andre somehow clenched his jaw more; Marie side-eyed her; and Jordan’s glare almost made me feel bad too. I tried to relax my shoulders and forced myself to listen.

“I know that no one trusts me right now but, I am the only one with a direct line to Indira,” Cate said. “Please, just let me try.”

“How do we know you won’t turn on us again?” Andre asked.

“I won’t, I promise,” Cate insisted.

“Yeah, well, your promises don’t mean shit to me right now,” Andre hissed.

“I agree with Andre; after this, anything’s possible,” Emma said.

Cate hesitated and turned to me. “Y/N, please, you know me. I may have messed up but I wouldn’t do it twice.”

A part of me wanted to believe her, really, but the other part was the giant gaping wound of being manipulated so badly that I had no powers. My stomach sunk when I looked at her and I suddenly felt nauseous.

I hugged my arms tightly around my waist. “I don’t know, Cate. I want to trust you again, but it’s difficult.”

Cate’s expression fell and I didn’t know if I wanted to comfort her or scream at her. Everything was so confusing and it didn’t help that I had this gnawing feeling that something else was going on; something that none of us knew.

Marie stepped forward to stand next to Cate. “I think this could be a good first step for you to start earning our trust, but I don’t blame Y/N for feeling how she feels.”

“Same here,” Jordan agreed.

I smiled at their words and had to fight to keep myself from crying even more.  

After some deliberation, we decided that Cate, Andre, Marie, Jordan, and I would focus on getting Shetty to expose her plot while Emma helped Sam hide from Vought or Shetty or whoever he’d upset.

That decision led me to leaning against the wall in a booth at an off-campus diner. It was fairly quiet, save for the handful of families laughing with their kids and the game that was on the outdated TV perched on a corner stand. Even though there was a giant plate of fries and greasy burgers on the table, barely anyone ate. I couldn’t stop staring at Cate, who was on her phone in the front corner of the restaurant.

“Can anyone hear anything?” Andre asked.

“No,” Marie said.

“And she’s not even facing us so we can’t even try lip reading,” I muttered.

Marie turned to me. “You know how to lip read?”

“Yeah, every crim major does. It’s part of the body language class,” I explained.

Marie nodded slowly. “This school is nuts.”

“We know,” Jordan muttered.

Finally, Cate hung up the phone and wandered back over to us. “I can’t see her yet; she’s in the city all morning.”

“What does that mean?” Jordan asked.

“I’ll have to wait at her house and get her to talk then,” Cate said.

Andre shook his head. “That’s too much time.”

“Did she sound different or suspicious of you?” Marie asked.

“No, she sounded fine. I’m sorry this isn’t turning out how we hoped.”

Based on her slumped shoulders, I guessed that Cate was telling the truth. The situation was both irritating and relieving since my list of questions for Shetty grew every minute and I was itching to ask them, but I was also thankful for a chance to gather my bearings. The thought of confronting her made me fidget since Shetty had helped me a lot.

How could someone be so kind and so hateful at the same time?

“…and stay out of our heads!”

Jordan’s exclamation jerked me from my thoughts, and I watched them shift to their male form and storm out of the diner. Andre ran his hand over his face and started messing with a straw while Cate looked down at her gloved hands.

“I’ll be back,” Marie muttered, slipping out of the booth and trailing after Jordan.

I blinked and turned back to Cate and Andre. “Sorry, what did I miss?”

“Jordan’s pissed because we have to wait at Shetty’s to get any info out of her and we’re on a timer pretty much,” Andre explained.

“This is all my fault,” Cate muttered.

Instead of answering, I dumped a handful of fries on my plate and started using them to make patterns in the ketchup between bites. When I bit into a burger, I almost moaned at the taste.

Either I was ravenous, or this place had decent food.

When I glanced back up, Cate and Andre stared at me.

I swallowed. “I got hungry.”

“You’re not gonna go after your…partners?” Andre asked.

I straightened up and continued munching on a fry. “We never labeled ourselves as anything and Marie’s got it.”

“Well, I’m glad the three of you have figured something out,” Cate offered.

“Thanks, but, I don’t know how much we have figured out.”

With everything going on, I never paused to think about how this relationship would work. In all honesty, I was shocked that I was able to tell Jordan and Marie how I felt and even more when both reciprocated. But I wondered what happened from here. How did we figure that out?

“It takes time,” Cate answered.

I snapped my eyes up to her. “Could you not probe my mind for a second?”

“Sorry, I can’t help it right now.”

Just as I was going to take another bite, my phone buzzed in my lap.

M: Come outside.

I quickly typed back, Omw.

“If I’m not back soon, just get a box for me.”

“Got you,” Andre said.

When I got outside, the chill made me wrap my cardigan tighter around me. Fortunately, Jordan and Marie were just around the corner and it was a short walk. Just as I got around the corner, the two were kissing. It only lasted a few seconds until Jordan pulled away, a smirk on his face, and I imagined Marie had a similar expression.

“What was that about my bad timing?” I called.

Marie turned at the sound of my voice and Jordan’s smirk deepened.

“Don’t be jealous,” he sang.

Funnily enough, I wasn’t jealous the first time I caught them; just shocked and confused. This time, watching them made me smile all over.

I rolled my eyes at Jordan’s words and sauntered over to them. “Please tell me you didn’t make Marie summon me in an attempt to make me jealous.”

“He didn’t make me do anything, but I thought you should be a part of this conversation,” Marie explained.

Then, Marie launched into hers and Jordan’s idea to break into Shetty’s office, find damning evidence of the Woods and the virus, and bring it to Victoria Neuman. The more she talked, the more the uneasiness set in.

“That town hall is happening today so it’s perfect timing,” Marie concluded.

Jordan looked at me expectantly and I glanced at the giant blue and red poster of the political candidate on the side of the building. Politicians had this strange fixation on looking hopeful, trustworthy, and powerful in all their photos. According to Coco, it was one of the most challenging parts of the field. No matter what any politician did, it all seemed fake to me. Maybe it was because I could see what they would really do if they were elected.

Even though I couldn’t use my powers, something about Victoria Neuman seemed off to me.

“Say it, freshie,” Jordan encouraged gently.

“In theory, I think it’s a good idea to get this information to someone with massive influence,” I started.

“But,” Marie said.

“But I have a weird feeling about her, actually, I’ve been having a weird feeling all day now,” I admitted.

“This is our best shot to expose Shetty right now,” Marie argued.

I nodded. “And I’m not saying not to take it. I’m saying I’m not sure how it’ll play out.”

“Is this about your powers?” Jordan asked.

“No, sort of, anyway, like I said, if you want to go rogue, do it.”

“You’d be coming with us too.” Marie reached a hand towards me, and I unfolded my arms to let her play with my fingers.

I sighed. “But I don’t know how helpful I’ll be.”

“This is gonna sound cheesy as hell, but you don’t need your powers to be helpful. You figured out that Cate manipulated you twice and you figured out that their goal in the Woods is to create a virus against supes. And you did all that without your powers,” Jordan pointed out.

“You’re amazing, Y/N,” Marie added.

I smiled and flipped my braids over my shoulder. “If you say so.”

Marie shook her head and Jordan grabbed my other hand.

“So, this may not be the best time to ask but are we…”

“You’re my girlfriend,” Jordan answered.

“Our girlfriend,” Marie corrected.

“She asked me out first.”

“No, I didn’t. I told you I liked you first,” I argued.

Jordan shrugged. “Same thing.”

Marie swatted Jordan’s arm with her free hand. “This relationship isn’t a competition.”

“Said the sore loser.”

Just as they were about to start bickering, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I let go of Jordan’s hand to grab it, ignored his feigned insulted gasp, and swiped through it. Sydney had texted Sasha, Alina, Lydia, and me in our group text.

S:911. Meeting in an hour.

“As much as I would love to continue this, I have to go to Si Chi,” I said, slipping my phone back in my pocket.

“Really? Now?” Jordan asked.

“Emergency meeting and I need time to get ready. I’ll text you both later.”

When I moved to hug Marie, she pecked my lips instead and I flinched. She smiled mischievously and I blinked at her.

“And I thought you were this shy, sweet freshman,” I muttered.

“I learn quickly,” she teased.

I shook my head and turned to Jordan, who immediately pressed his lips against mine, hands roaming all over my back. I was in a daze as he moaned but when one of his hands squeezed my butt, I yelped and jumped away.

“Jordan!” I rasped.

Even though Jordan apologized, he did not look sorry at all. As I sauntered off to get an Uber, I couldn’t help but wonder what I had gotten myself into but couldn’t deny the buzz of excitement at the thought.

Exactly fifty-five minutes later, I sat in the large conference room in Si Chi, freshly showered and made up. The cherry red Ralph Lauren tennis mini dress and white Chanel platforms paired with my braids swept up in a messy bun made me feel exposed but pretty. A minute later, Alina and Lydia waltzed in together. Alina’s hair was in a low bun with pieces framing her face and her black long-sleeved Naked Wardrobe skirt set flowed around her with each step. Lydia wore a deep plum Givenchy blazer over a white Oxford and dark Levi’s, her deep auburn hair fell around her shoulders in soft curls.

Immediately, Lydia took a seat across from me while Alina took a seat on my right.

“Hi, Lydia, Alina,” I greeted.

“Hi, Y/N,” Lydia chirped.

“Hi,” Alina said.

 As soon as they sat, Sydney breezed in, her knit white DKNY dress catching the light as well as her diamond studs. She pushed a wavy strawberry blonde tendril out of her face as she took a seat at the head of the table and set her canvas Marc Jacobs tote on the glossy table.

“Hello, girls,” Sydney said.

“Hello, Sydney.”

Our unified voices sent a chill down my spine.

Finally, Sasha burst in, sweat coating her forehead as she quickly took the seat next to Lydia and adjusted her deep green wrap dress. “Sorry, there was a big crowd because of the rally.”

“It’s okay, Sasha. Just remember to factor in big events when you’re commuting for other meetings,” Sydney advised evenly.

Sasha seemed to gulp and nodded.

“That leads me to the topic of this emergency meeting. I know that the town hall on campus is going to be packed and it’s been a hot topic for weeks since it was announced. This morning, all the Greek presidents met and determined that each house will decide their own policy for attendance,” Sydney explained. “I’ve debated this for a while. Our high standards and reputation attract ambitious women and plenty of them will want to attend the town hall. However, I am also concerned about the safety of this event since there is so much opposition on both sides.”

Sydney paused.

“That is why I believe that no Si Chi girl should attend the event,” Sydney stated.

Even though she worded it softly, Sydney was forbidding all of us from attending. If anyone was caught, that would mean an automatic exit from the house.

“It’s especially important for us as leadership to be role models for the initiates. We must choose our events wisely and we don’t want any of them risking anything because of their ideologies or to try to go viral,” Sydney explained.

“It makes sense. Those pro-supes are rowdy,” Lydia agreed.

And ignorant, I thought.

“I’m all for supe rights but I don’t want to be caught in a riot,” Alina added.

“How do we communicate this to the other girls?” Sasha asked.

“Y/N can send something out in the house Discord.” Sydney smiled at me. “You know how to make it tasteful but authoritative.”

As much as I appreciated the compliment, I couldn’t stop thinking of how to persuade her. If I had my powers, this would be nothing but the only thing I had was my wits. The more I thought, the more I was concerned that my wits abandoned me.

“Well, that’s it unless anyone has something to add?” Sydney prompted.

Finally, I had something.

“Yes. I agree that everyone’s safety is important, but I don’t think we’ve thought about the political science majors. Their professors will be all over this and more and more of them want first-hand footage. I think discouraging everyone will put them at a real disadvantage,” I said.

My heart pounded in my ears as I watched the gears turn in Sydney’s head. It wasn’t my best work but it might have made a difference.

“It’s a shame but, they’ll have to figure something else out,” Sydney said.

“Well---”

“Have that done in thirty, okay?”

Sydney’s words were light but her eyes were so intense that my words stopped in my head. I nodded and she dismissed everyone. Sasha grinned widely at me as she stood and walked out.

��I guess your friend will have to figure something else out. With it being junior year and all, it’s even more important that she doesn’t fail anything,” Sasha said.

“Her name is Coco and even though this is an inconvenience she’ll figure something out.”

As confident as I was in Coco, I had no idea what I was going to do. Surprisingly, writing up the Discord message was easy, even though plenty of the girls were upset, it was a simple fix of, “If you’re disappointed, Sydney is more than happy to answer your questions.” However, I wasn’t sure how I was going to tell Jordan and Marie that I couldn’t help them get the information to Neuman.

Of course, the time we set to meet up outside of Shetty’s office arrived too soon and I found myself pacing down the hall, filled with dread the closer I got to Shetty’s office. When I arrived, the door was already open and my heart lurched into my throat.

Oh no, we’ve been caught, this won’t work, I panicked.

Then, I forced myself to take a deep breath and crept closer to the door. It took five more deep breaths for me to get the courage to peek around the corner. At first glance, Shetty’s office looked like it normally did: peaceful but professional. Her space was light and airy with the perfect amount of light from the sun seeping through the windows. However, when I looked closer, there were papers sprawled over her desk, something that she would never stand for.

Just as I started to creep in, Jordan popped up from behind the desk and cursed loudly when she saw me.

“You could have said something, freshie!” Jordan admonished, one hand pressed to her chest and another holding a file.

“Well, I didn’t know who was in here!” I defended, wandering further in. “You should have closed the doors behind you.”

Jordan smirked. “You say that like I’m not the one who taught you how to sneak into places. I would have just told whoever that Shetty needed me to find something.”

“Technically, you all contributed to teaching me that but okay.”

Then, I turned back towards the doors to start closing them when Marie slipped in. We nearly collided but I took a half step back.

“Shit, sorry!” Marie exclaimed.

“It’s fine, I guess it’s my karma.”

I let her slip past me and made sure the doors were secured behind us before joining her and Jordan at Shetty’s desk.

“Have you found anything yet?” Marie asked.

“No, just different files on different kids.”

I perked up. “Like the ones she checks in with?”

“I think so. I didn’t read any because that felt wrong.” Jordan paused. “And don’t go looking for your file; you need to be focused.”

“Fine,” I groaned playfully.

We decided it would be best for Jordan and me to go through Shetty’s physical files while Marie searched her computer. As I skimmed the documents, my brain circled around how I would tell them that I couldn’t go to the town hall. There was no great way to say, “Hey, I can’t help you expose a major conspiracy because my house president said ‘no’ and if I disobey, I’ll be ostracized.” I would find better words but that’s what it all boiled down to.

If only Si Chi and rankings didn’t matter so much.

Then, I paused at a newspaper clipping I found. It was from that plane crash a couple of years back, the one that Queen Maeve and Homelander failed to save. The thought of all those people dying made my stomach churn. As I kept reading, my stomach settled a little and I felt myself buzzing.

“Look.” I set the file down on Shetty’s desk and Jordan stepped closer and Marie swiveled in her chair.

“It’s from that plane crash,” Marie observed.

“Why would Shetty have a file on this?” Jordan asked.

“Because of this.” I flipped through the documents and pointed out the passenger list. “It’s right in the middle.”

After a few seconds of reading, both their eyes widened.

“Holy shit,” Jordan breathed.

“Her kid and her husband were on that plane; that’s why she hates all supes, it makes total sense,” Marie said.

“It’s only motive but, it might be useful for Neuman. But no one’s found anything on the Woods?” I asked.

Marie and Jordan shook their heads.

“Great, this couldn’t get worse,” Marie muttered.

Immediately, Shetty’s office door handle started jiggling and our eyes snapped to it.

“I thought you locked the door,” Jordan hissed.

“No, it would have been suspicious if the door was locked,” I whispered back.

“We don’t have time for this. Hide whatever you can.”

Frantically, we shoved the unimportant files in random drawers, and I kept the one about the plane crash under my denim jacket. Just when the door pushed open, someone dragged me down and I found myself sandwiched between Jordan and Marie underneath Shetty’s desk. It was a tight squeeze, and I didn’t think that I could move if I tried but, I was more focused on keeping my breathing even as someone entered the office.

“Nice digs. I guess this is what you get for screwing over everyone,” a masculine voice drawled.

“That’s Cardoza,” Jordan mouthed.

My eyes widened and I could feel my heart rate pick up. For a few seconds, I couldn’t focus on any of my surroundings, and I couldn’t hear anything either. This shouldn’t have been happening, I took my medicine, I knew I did.

Just breathe, Y/N, and use your exercise.

I see three of Jordan’s rings, I smell Marie’s hair oil, I feel really warm, and----

My thoughts were cut off by Marie grabbing my shoulders and muttering, “It’s okay.”

In the next few seconds, my heart rate slowed down, and I breathed a lot easier. I would have turned to thank her if it would have blown our cover.

For the next minute, Dr. Cardoza ranted about how his medical prowess was misused and how no one was supposed to get hurt.

“It was all for science! But screw science and me, right?” he bellowed.

Then, he got quiet for a second, but it was quickly filled by the sound of something trickling. Since she was in the most convenient position, Jordan poked her head out from her hiding spot only to immediately retract it and shake her head.

I hated where my imagination went.

Finally, the sound stopped, and the man groaned. “Here’s your precious data.”

Something plopped onto the desk, and we all perked up. As soon as the door slammed behind him, we rushed out from our hiding spot. Marie grabbed the USB that Dr. Cardoza dropped and plugged it into the computer. In seconds, we had everything that could expose Dean Shetty and the Woods. Some of the details made me wretch and some things did not need visuals but had them.

It was perfect ammunition.

“Wow,” Marie said.

“How long were they doing all this?” Jordan muttered.

I shook my head, grabbed the file from my jacket, and took pictures of the important parts. “I don’t know if I want to know at this point.”

After Marie grabbed the USB and we put everything else back to normal, we got out of that office as quickly as we could. While we walked down the hallway, my thumbs flew across my phone screen.

“I just sent the pictures to you both,” I said.

“Why? Are you afraid you’ll accidentally delete it?” Marie asked.

Okay, here it goes.

“I can’t go to the town hall,” I confessed.

“Are you scared? No one’s going to do anything, they’re all talk,” Jordan said. “And I wouldn’t let them touch you.”

“Neither would I,” Marie affirmed.

“I appreciate that but, it’s not out of fear. Si Chi girls can’t attend; president’s orders.”

They stopped walking at the same time, and I lagged a little, dreading facing them. At first, they both looked stunned then Jordan looked like she would strangle someone, and Marie was confused.

“That’s bullshit,” Jordan hissed.

“Yeah, they can’t tell you where you can and can’t go,” Marie agreed.

I shifted my weight from foot to foot. “Well, they sort of can. If I go, it’s immediate expulsion from the sorority.”

“But this is important. They have to make an exception,” Marie offered.

“I couldn’t tell them about this. Sydney would get an ulcer at the thought of breaking into the dean’s office and going through private files,” I argued. “Plus, if I told them about any of this, they’d think I’m a crazy conspiracy theorist.”

“This isn’t a conspiracy or a theory; they did this shit and no one did anything about it,” Jordan insisted.

I huffed. “I know that, Jordan, but I also know these girls and they don’t like to leave their comfort zones. Even though Sydney is one of the more progressive presidents, she still has to maintain the standards.”

“Even if it includes covering up Shetty’s plan to make everyone sick?”

I hesitated. “I…I’m not sure.”

Marie groaned. “Come on, Y/N, you don’t have to do every little thing they say. You’re high up in the house, doesn’t that mean anything?”

“Yes, it means more status and respect but also more eyes, so I’m almost double forbidden from going.” I sighed. “I’m sorry but, this is as far as I can go. Text or video call me if you need anything.”

The moment I turned on my heel and started walking away, I understood what a kicked puppy must feel like. I only made it a few steps before both grabbed one of my wrists.  

“Stop running,” Jordan said.

“I’m not running,” I argued.

“Bullshit, this whole thing is,” she challenged.

I paused and narrowed my eyes at Jordan. “It might be to you but it’s very important to me. It always has been.”

When I pulled at her hand, Jordan let me go and I turned to Marie, but her expression hardened.

“You don’t have to do this,” she insisted.

I scoffed. “Yes, I do. Vought already gave you their stamp of approval, so you’re set. I have to play it smart, and I can’t do anything to lose Si Chi right now.”

“That’s not fair, Y/N,” Marie said.

“It’s the truth, though. I’m on thin ice with not being able to use my powers and I can’t mess up anything else!”

Jordan stepped closer to me. “The Woods is bigger than anything at this school. Screw rankings, Si Chi, and GOD U. Shetty wants us all dead and you have a chance to stop her. You have a chance to be a hero.”

They were right, this was a fantastic opportunity to help people and make GOD U a better place. We had no idea how many kids were still trapped down there or what they were experiencing. This plot needed to be exposed and everyone needed to be held accountable. At any other time, I would have jumped at the chance to help but I couldn’t.

If only Sydney hadn’t given that order.

I wanted the ground to swallow me up and take me somewhere far away from the two pairs of deep brown eyes that bored into me. I also wanted Marie and Jordan to stop looking at me with such intensity; it just made everything harder.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“You’re not the only one risking your ranking here, you know. I don’t get why you insist on doing all this shit after everything,” Jordan spat.

I flinched at her tone and swallowed thickly. I knew she was referring to my family and how awful they were. The worst part was I didn’t know why I was like this either.

How could I have made so much progress just to end up back where I was?

Just a few hours ago, I was giggly about having a new girlfriend and partner. Before my meeting at Si Chi, I even made spreadsheets of some dates we could have and gift ideas for holidays and birthdays.

Seeing them both look at me with such hurt in their eyes almost broke me and I wanted to forget about the smug expression on Sasha’s face and Sydney’s tone. But, I just couldn’t.  

[kanmom51]

Like Crazy - new insights

*This is a reposting of my latest reblog due to issues with that specific post.

***This has been sitting in my drafts since April 2023!!!

This is the post I reblogged and the basis to my own post.

Yep. I had some of a post written way back in April 2023, but the pieces just didn't come all together for me.

After Muse's release and specifically after the BTB yesterday where JM discussed Who, Muse and the lyrics, we also saw the change made to Who's lyrics from "you" to "she" things started to clear up for me. But then, a friend also shared a picture of the original lyrics of Like Crazy, which were subsequently altered before recording. We discussed these changes and I now feel that this is it! This is the missing piece to my post.

I mostly left what I wrote over a year ago in tact, adding the missing pieces to this puzzle that makes this post with what I feel is a little more insight into Like crazy.

Needless to say, these are my opinions, how I see the lyrics, the ones that made the cut and the ones that stayed in JM's lyrics journal.

So, let's get started:

Here I was thinking I'm the only one who was seeing this...

I do hope I'm reading this right, before going off motormouth about something that maybe isn't what is being said, but to hell with it, this is something I've been thinking too and I'm just gonna come out and say it.

We're all over 18 here right?

This is a subject we can talk about?

The more I listen to this song, the more I think it to be true too.

First of all, before starting off, I want to link this ask:

**Shock and awe... "she" wasn't part of the original lyrics for Like Crazy . Colour me surprised to learn the same is true with Who (even though JM didn't actually write the song himself). Oh, and if we are on that subject already, how not surprising to see the process of writing the song with John Billion, who happens to be one of the writers of SNTY as well (me sitting here thinking of several words and references that could have been somehow suggested and inserted into the song. No idea who (nah, I'm telling lies, I know exactly who). How shocking (NOT) to see that the artist actually had input with the song lyrics of which he is not credited in writing.

Again, the depth of the song, the layers to the song and the multiple interpretations too.

JM told us this song is about him struggling. He told us he was going through a period where he was drinking too much. He was finding fulfillment in ways other than performing, as performing is part of him, he is a performer, someone who needs the stage to express himself. The stage is where he is at peace, the stage being a piece of him that he was missing.

We saw his outburst of emotions in the first day of MOTS ON:E (that was my first experience of BTS and he literally broke my heart - and later seeing him being mocked for it infuriated me).

This was October 2020, around 6 months into the pandemic. The uncertainty. This is their first online performance and from there until Muster another 9 months go by. We know from Festa 2022 that the pandemic screwed up all of their plans. The uncertainty, working on and releasing BE and then Butter and PTD everything leading up to the PTD online concert, a year after MOTS ON:E. For those that performing is their life, standing in front of an audience and giving it their all, it's a hard pill to swallow. The unknown, if they will ever get back to perform on stage in front of a live audience, when this is who they are, their essence, it can be unbearable. JM wasn't the only performer to go through this. It's just that he shared this with us. He showed us his pain and vulnerability and was mocked for it by many. Shame on them!!!

So, again, JM told us with Like Crazy, that he was filling in that hole. Alcohol was mentioned by him specifically. But listening to the song, I think it's quite clear that sex was a very big part of it as well. Looking for that rush, that high. It's clear as day, for me anyway, in the lyrics.

(I think we could last forever I'm afraid that everything will disappear Just trust me)

[Verse 1] She's saying Baby, don't think about it There's not a bad thing here tonight Baby, you can leave it Stay with me until today

[Verse 2] Watch me go Wet me all night (Away) And morning too Don't come if you're drunk

In this loud music It fades me It's a drama-like story I'm get used to it Have you come far to find me that you used to know? Yeah, I know You know, I know (Ooh)

[Chorus] I'd rather be Lost in the lights Lost in the lights I'm outta my mind It holds to the end of this night Every night You spin me up high The moon that embraces you Let me have a taste

[Post-Chorus] Give me a good ride (Oh, I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin') It's gon' be a good night (Oh, I'm fallin') Forever you and I

[Interlude] Mmm-hmm Yeah, hey Mmm-hmm Ooh-woah Mmm-hmm Mmm-hmm (Forever, you and I)

[Verse 3] Me reflects in the mirror I'm going crazy without hesitation I'm feelin' so alive, wasting time

I'd rather be Lost in the lights Lost in the lights I'm outta my mind It holds to the end of this night Every night You spin me up high The moon that embraces you Let me have a taste

[Post-Chorus] Give me a good ride (Oh, I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin') It's gon' be a good night (Oh, I'm fallin') Forever you and I

[Outro] This will break me This is gonna break me (Break me) No, don’t you wake me (Wake me) I wanna stay in this dream, don't save me Don't you try to save me (Save me) I need a way we (Way we) I need a way we can dream on (On, on, on)

Those are the lyrics he recorded.

But you see, there were changes made to the lyrics he was working on originally, and we got to see some of them.

This specifically:

Reading this draft and the final ones there are a few things that just fall into place for me (and I'd think for anyone that reads them), loud and clear:

First of all, obviously JM is singing about drinking too much alcohol. If the final lyrics hinted to losing himself in alcohol, the draft lyrics are ever so clear regarding that point.

Second of all, the sex. I think JM was pretty straight forward using the wording he was using. "Give me a good ride" can be other things, if you twist it around to try and explain it away, but bottom line, those lines within the context of the lines in the draft, like "just go turn off the light, you and me..." not to mention the whole chorus, to me the reference is obvious.

Next, I talked about the many references to JK in this song in this post:

This is all also relevant when it comes to my next point being the fact that to me it's clear that JM wrote this song referencing a special someone with whom he shares a high level of intimacy. A special someone that was there by his side when JM was struggling. A special someone that was struggling seeing JM going through everything he was.

To that person JM wrote (in the draft): "oh baby don't you cry, just wanna see your smile..."

These lines, they were too much. Too obvious. Too intimate. And they were left out probably because of just that.

So JM went with other lines. A little less obvious perhaps, and yet still very telling. The finale of the song:

No, don’t you wake me (Wake me) I wanna stay in this dream, don't save me Don't you try to save me (Save me) I need a way we (Way we) I need a way we can dream on (On, on, on)

Now, you could claim that the song is about an inner struggle. JM struggling with himself, talking to himself, and yes, that could very much be part of the message JM, the king of layering, is going for. But see, that's exactly the point. JM is the king of layering, of having several meanings and messages within his lyrics and creations. And this is not different. There is no mistaking the reference to another person, not JM himself, in the lyrics. The way he uses the "you" in the lyrics, at times could pass as you being the alcohol, at times the you being himself in the mirror, but at times it's clearly a third party he is talking to. Especially in that finale to the song, that someone that wants to lift him out of that stupor he is in, to wake him up, to save him, when he is unwilling, not ready to accept that help just yet (same person he asks not to cry, knowing that he is making them sad). There are also the clear JK references in this song. The "you are me I am you" being the loudest of them all.

But JM being JM, he showed us in his own way what this song was about, opening up and allowing us to see his drafts.

And then he gave us Letter. Hidden, and private and intimate. Addressed not to us, but to that person that was always there by his side, that person he addresses in Like Crazy telling him "forever you and I". Now, in Letter, being in a better, healthier place, he can repeat the sentiment of them together forever. A sentiment JK had mentioned in the past (omg, that was so very awkward).

And now using lines like : "I sincerely hope we are forever" and "But don’t forget that we’re always together"...

The lyrics, the sentiments, the drafted lyrics that never made it, like the use of "Dangshin", I have talked about it all. Letter was for JK. Period.

When seeing Like Crazy again, the lyrics, the struggle, the person by his side, the intimacy, and Letter, I'm kind of thinking that not only is Letter a love ode to JK. That is stating the obvious. But it's also JM's acknowledgement and thank you to that person that stood by his side in his most difficult of times.

JK.

Bottom line:

Like crazy is about JM struggling and self medicating with alcohol and sex.

It's personal about himself, his struggles, but also includes a person that is there by his side, one he is highly intimate with, one who is there with him together. That person is there, spending the nights with him, in that escape world JM created for himself. Sad seeing JM struggle, trying to find a way to help JM out of that pit but being unable to do so, staying by JM's side all the same.

We know who that person is.

Same person he addresses Letter to.

[beyondthisdarkhouse]

My mom comes over a couple of times a week to help me keep the apartment tidy and to body-double so I can focus on work.

"Mind if I open this?" she asked me this morning, holding up an envelope I'd tossed onto a pile of clutter the week before. I hadn't opened it because I already knew what it was—the decision of my appeal against being judged "medically ineligible" for permanent disability benefits, which are almost double what I get now and would cover rent and food. Absolutely everyone, from disabled advocacy groups to the legal aid lawyer who helped prep me for the hearing, told me that there was basically no chance I'd get deemed eligible on the first appeal. Normally it takes 2 or 3 application-appeal cycles (9-10 months each) for people to get into the program.

"Go ahead," I told her, and then turned back to other work. I've got a lot to do given how well my Kickstarter is doing, whether it's setting up the behemoth new printer I got off Kijiji for 10% of its original value, to scheduling work meetings with my newly-hired personal assistant. I've always got so much on my plate, and the number of hours in the day I can focus on it is countable on my hand that's missing fingers. And I'd love to get a sewing pattern out for my "just the sleeves, please" costume idea out in enough time for people to use it for Halloween, but I still need to make mock-ups and hire someone who's used to producing digital sewing patterns.

"I think," Mom said quietly, leafing through the letter, "that you won."

The letter ends like this:

Conclusion: The Panel finds that the Appellant meets the definition of "severe handicap" as is set out in the Regulation and therefore reverses the Director's decision.

Yeah. It means I won.

The benefits program will require another eight weeks to double-check my financial eligibility using information they already have, and to process my new program status to reflect an increased benefit rate and a different health insurance program.

Right now I'm really feeling this line from Komarr, by Lois McMaster Bujold: "But do you know--well, of course you could, but… the business with [throwing yourself at] the brick wall. Failure, failure was grown familiar to me. Comfortable, almost, when I stopped struggling against it. I did not know achievement was so devastating."

It felt like my whole life ended in a flaming wreck when I had to give up counselling. I lost part of who I was when I did that, and spent years telling myself I'd pull up my socks at any minute and go right back to it. But the truth is, I am not capable of doing that job as well as it needs to be done, and it's one of those jobs where you half-ass things at the peril of the vulnerable people who trust you.

And what if... the worst had happened, and I lost it all, and then in clawing my way out of the pit, trying to get purchase on absolutely any kind of survival I could, I found my way to something new and solid and real. What if it was okay after all?

I'm still having trouble believing it, but the letter keeps saying what it said.

I'm gonna go sew things, and see if it feels any more real in the morning.

[thechaoticdruid]

|This Bites| (8)

Astarion x Chubby! F!MC

Plot: Astarion and Winnie prepare to meet with someone willing to help with Astarion's dietary needs. Hijinks ensue.

Content/Warnings: Sexual humor, kissing.

Chapter 7: BACK

Chapter 8: STOP

Chapter 9:WHAT?

“Mmmm…” Astarion hummed softly as he pressed his lips against Winnie’s. The young woman smiled into the kiss. This is maybe like the third time he's been peppering her lips with smooches today. She giggled, gazing up at him with eyes full of adoration. 

“You finished trying to eat my face?” Winnie teased with a smile.

“Never! This is one feast I intend to savor for as long as possible.” The vampiric elf giggled before going in for another kiss. Winnie returned it before wincing and rubbing her throat. 

“Darling, are you alright?” Astarion asked with concern. 

“Ah…Yeah….It just hurts still…” Winnie croaked out. Astarion leaned in to place a peck on her forehead.  

“I'll go and see about finding you something to eat, my love. You just relax.” Astarion caressed her forehead before getting up and leaving the room. Brian was going to be working late today so they had plenty of time without having to worry about his bullshit. Astarion walked into the kitchen where Vanessa was pouring some dog kibble into Ollie's bowl. 

“I believe you said you were going to help me learn how to cook.” The vampire huffed out.

“Oh yes! Just give me a moment.” Vanessa exclaimed, putting away the dog food and running to wash her hands. Astarion crossed his arms.

“You too! Wash!” The twelve year old ordered. Astarion rolled his eyes before washing his clawed hands. Nessa took out a small purple apron with a little dragon on it before putting it on and grabbing a silk, frilly pink apron. “Here put this on!”  She said as she put it in his hands. The vampire put on the apron sighing a bit in impatience.  

“We can start with something easy like a cup of noodles! Maybe with a little bit of green onions?” Nessa took a styrofoam cup from the cabinet before handing it to Astarion. “Just make sure to fill up this cup with water and then…” Nessa walked over and towards the microwave, “put it in here and set the timer for three minutes.” She explained before walking over to the fridge and started getting out green onions. Nessa carefully began to cut up the green stalks on a cutting board while the microwave beeped from the pressing of random buttons.

Back in Winnie’s room, she laid there in boredom as her phone suddenly buzzed. Her brown eyes looked over the touch screen as she tapped on the message. It was from Becca.

Becca: How's your throat?

Winnie: PAIN. I can barely move without feeling it.

Becca: Fuck. That sucks :(

Becca: Still trying 2 process this whole vampire from a video game is suddenly real shit  But I'm here for u

Winnie: Thanks. I really need to find that modder now tho.

Becca: U said he was in Varamont? That's quite a drive. Hey my dad's gonna give me his old van once he gets a new car I can take u and Star there in it

Winnie: You sure about this Becca? We might run into danger again. Especially now since there's monsters showing up.

Becca: That's why u need me! My dad taught me how 2 shoot a gun when I was 7 I'll have ur back if stuff gets hairy

Winnie: Okay I'll think about it. I'm just so nervous about everything these days. Especially since I have to look after a literal vampire.

Becca: Oh btw I think I might have a way 2 help u with that I know a guy who can get u blood without hurting anyone

Winnie: That sounds…..Shady…

Becca: Don't worry he's a good guy

Becca: A little weird but good :) 

Winnie let out a sigh as she looked at Becca’s texts. She really needed to try to relax more. The smell of something burning suddenly hit her senses. 

“Is something on fire!?” She shouted, head turning towards her door which was cracked.

“No! It's okay! Astarion just forgot to add water to the noodles!” Vanessa called from down the hall.

“You said nothing about water!” Astarion complained, his whiny voice echoing through the house. Winnie rolled her eyes before returning her attention to her phone in an attempt to relax. 

She pulled up Tumblr and began to scroll through her timeline.  There were a couple new BG3 fanfictions posted by Vixstarria, TragedyBunny, and MJ-Bites. Winnie bit down on her lip nervously as she began to realize just how strange this probably would seem to Astarion. 

The fact that there is an entire community of people obsessing over him might freak him out a little. Especially with some of their more erotic works. Not that she had anything against the fanfiction creators, they unfortunately had no idea that Astarion was actually real. And many of them were exceptionally talented, but knowing about this could be a bit much to take. Winnie continued to scroll through her timeline, liking some cute art here and there before stumbling upon an interesting post by just-a-refridgerator.

 It appeared to be a comparison of all of the Baldur's Gate 3 men's butt sizes, which confirmed that they all indeed have the same size ass.

Why is this a debate!? They literally all have the same body type!

Winnie sighed, looking through the comments when suddenly the door opened up, revealing Astarion holding a steaming cup of noodles.

“Darling! I'm back.I made you something.~” He purred as Winnie squeaked and quickly turned her phone over.  The silver haired vampire raised an eyebrow as he looked her over in confusion.

“You seem rather startled. What ever has you so worked up, dear?” 

“Oh nothing, just surprised is all…heheh…” Winnie rubbed the back of her neck nervously as she kept her hand clamped over her phone. “So uh..You got me noodles? Thank you!” Winnie said before quickly taking the cup from his hands and shoving some in her mouth as she hid her phone under her leg. Astarion looked at her with a slightly suspicious glance before sitting behind her and nuzzling his face into her shoulder. 

“How is it, my love?” Astarion spoke softly, his breath tickling her ear. Winnie shivered before feeling his arms wrap around her waist. The noodles were salty, savory and overall not bad.

“It's good.” Winnie praised before glancing back at him with a smile.

“I'm so glad you think so.” Astarion purred, his lips inches away from Winnie’s ears. 

“Astarion,what are you-” with a slight of hand Astarion snatched Winnie’s phone out from under her leg.

“Well, what do we have here?~” The pale elf had a wide shit eating grin spreading across his face.

“Astarion!” Winnie set the cup of noodles down on her nightstand before attempting to wrestle her phone back from him. “You asshole! Give me back my phone!” 

“Easy darling, your neck is still bruised. We wouldn't want you to hurt yourself now would we? Astarion cooed out, his voice dripping with condescension. He gently pushed her down on her back and straddled her, pinning her under his body. “Hmm ... .Now what ever could you be hiding from me?” The elven vampire glanced at the screen as the young woman squirmed under him.

“This is an invasion of my privacy ya know!” Winnie hissed, her face turning redder by the second. 

“Ah…This is….Gale…Wyll and…. myself? And someone is comparing our posteriors…..” Astarion looked back at Winnie with a puzzled look. The young woman bit down on her lip, immediately expecting some kind of declaration of disgust. “What do you mean we all have the same arse!? This can't possibly be true! My physique is far more impressive than those two imbeciles combined!”Astarion turned and got off of Winnie.

The brunette was a bit bewildered by his reaction.

“Well…from the game it looks that way…”

“Oh so you've been looking at our companions' unclothed bodies then?” 

“It’s not like that! And I didn't even know you were real, sentient people!” Winnie crossed her arms, sitting up. 

“Regardless, you now have a far better way of seeing for yourself.” Before the human female could even say another word the vampire turned around and shoved his backside near her face. 

“S-Stop it.” Winnie sputtered out, her face burning brightly.

“Winnie please! I need you to tell me your thoughts.” 

“You're literally asking me to give you feedback on your butt?” 

“Of course. Your opinion is the only one that truly matters.” Astarion exclaimed, running a hand over the curve of his ass. 

“Oh for God's sake Astarion.” Winnie pinched the bride of her nose before responding with a bashful cough, “i-it's nice….…”

“Nice!? Is that all you have to say!?” Astarion huffed, his face turning into an upset pout. 

“It's very…luscious ... .and…round…I'm really not good at this Star….” Winnie said, covering her face in embarrassment. “Now get your ass out of my face!” 

“I'm not moving until I receive an adequate compliment.” 

“Oh my fucking God…”

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

About a week passed before Winnie’s neck had fully healed. Becca was coming by today to take Winnie to meet with her friend she promised could help her out with Astarion’s particular dietary needs. Winnie still wasn't completely comfortable with the idea of trusting some random dude to get them blood donations, but she really didn't want a repeat of the incident at the carnival. Not to mention Astarion’s leftovers were being noticed by her neighbors. 

Winnie pulled on some black tights before pulling a purple shirt over her head as she waited for Becca to arrive. She grabbed a black and red hoodie and put it on after her shirt.

“Sweetheart? What do you think looks better, the button up or the tank?” Astarion asked as he stepped out of the bathroom wearing black jeans as he held a white button up shirt in one hand and a black tank top in the other. 

“You're going to be in bat form since the sun is still out, I doubt it'll matter.” Winnie hummed before sitting on her bed and pulling on her shoes as Maddie crawled out from under the bed and stretched.

“I need to look fashionable in any form.” The vampire boasted before glancing down at the small black feline who appeared to be staring at him, intently. “What do you think, dear?” 

Maddie’s large blue eyes scanned the two objects he held before turning her head towards the button up and letting out a long high meow. 

“Ah you're absolutely right darling!” Astarion said before quickly dressing himself in the white button up. Winnie shook her head with a smile. 

“Alright beautiful, just behave yourself today. We're going to be meeting someone who might be able to help me get you fed regularly.” Winnie hummed before checking her phone again for any updates from Becca.

“Oh I will. But I expect to be rewarded for my behavior.” Astarion purred before sitting down on Winnie’s lap and leaning closely.

“And just what kind of reward were you thinking of?” Winnie raised an eyebrow.

“Your lips.” Astarion nipped her bottom lip playfully before kissing her hungrily, wrapping his arms around her neck and moaning against her mouth. Winnie returned his kiss as she used one hand to play with his ivory curls, the two of them caught up in the moment. Suddenly there was knocking on the front door followed by Ollie barking. Astarion got up before pulling Winnie to her feet and planting a kiss on her hand. 

Winnie giggled before she walked out to open the front door to see her fiery haired friend. 

“Hey Becca-” The brunette began as Becca quickly closed the door behind her. 

“Where is the vampire?” She asked. 

“I do have a name you know.” Astarion scoffed as he stepped out from behind Winnie.

“Oh-shit! Sorry I didn't mean anything by it!” Becca put her hands up. “I'm just really excited! I've never met a vampire before! Let alone one from a video game. Oh hey where are the others from the game?” Becca asked.

“I….I don't really know honestly…They disappeared before Winnie brought me here.” 

“The game ended up being a bit unstable after I pulled Astarion out. I'm not sure if we could go and look for them now. But with Raphael showing up I suppose anything might be possible. So uh…This friend of yours?” Winnie changed the subject.

“Oh right. Jimmy. He's a bit eccentric but his brother and mother work at the hospital in town, so he's able to get his hands on a blood bag or two on occasion. We should probably not keep him waiting.”

“Well, let's not waste any more time then?” Astarion chimed in before suddenly he was engulfed in red and shrank down into his bat form. Winnie him up and allowed him to climb into her hoodie.

“Oh my god! He's so cute!” Becca cooed, her eyes round and full of adoration as she looked at the small bat who frowned slightly.

 Astarion let out a squeak of protest as he nuzzled up against Winnie's neck.  The brunette pulled the hood over her head before the two females walked out of the hour and got into Becca's car. 

Winnie sat in the passenger seat and looked out the window as Astarion snuggled against her. She carefully reached into her hoodie to gently pet Astarion’s head with her finger, receiving a few curious little squeaks in reply.

It took them about an hour to arrive at Becca's friend’s house. He apparently lived on the other side of town. Winnie’s brown eyes perked up as she noticed fake headstones sitting in his yard, along with a bush trimmed into the shape of a skull. 

“Here we are!” Becca announced as they exited the truck. Winnie scanned the yard.

“Hmm…Nice place. Love the Halloween vibes.” She exclaimed as the two of them walked up the sidewalk and towards the front door. Becca knocked on the door before suddenly a brown eyeball peeked through the peephole. The door opened revealing a short man with messy blonde hair, glasses, pasty white skin and painted dark circles under his eyes. He was wearing a band T-shirt and a cape? 

“Becca, who's the fresh meat?” He asked, revealing what appeared to be fake fangs in his mouth. 

“Jimmy….This is Winnie.” Becca replied.

“Oh…..Hey….” Winnie said awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck. 

Ah……This explains a lot….

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

I'M NOT DEAD GUYS! :3 Just been having a lot of issues with writers block and life and all that great stuff! Anyway hope you're all still enjoying the story!

Thanks to @vixstarria , @tragedybunny , @mj-bites and @just-a-refrigerator for letting me give ya a little cameo in the fic!

~Druid

Taglist: @seradyn , @plimsim , @astarioffsimpmain , @marcynomercy , @iamsexytrash , @gaymistakeboi , @divineknightmare , @tinyfreakgirl , @misscrissfemmefatal, @gianchan-de @jaksfanficsaver , @the-disaster-in-waiting , @hp-art-studio , @im-just-a-simp-le-whore , @dajeong , @iamnotokei , @the-pale-elfs-love , @geminipridekitty , @just-a-refrigerator , @vixstarria , @ellaprime7

[sinner-sunflower]

P.2 HH Lucifer-centric AU 2/?

STORY 1, PART 1, PART 3, PART 4, PART 5, PART 6, PART 7, PART 8, PART 9, PART 10, PART 11, PART 12, PART 13, PART 14, PART 14.5, PART 15, PART 16, PART 17, PART 18, PART 19, PART 20, PART 21, PART 22, PART 23, PART 24, PART 25, PART 26

Writing this while listening to Christian songs is my process lajsdlkajkld

You guys need to listen to the soundtrack of Journey to Bethlehem. What bangers and amazing pieces!

-------------------------------------------

Once they got inside, Charlie locks the hotel up using keekee.

Vaggie: You sure that will hold them up?

Charlie: Of course! Besides if any of them try to sneak in then I'm sure Razzle and Keekee will keep them out yes? Yeah? Awww yes you will~

Charlie gushes on her guardians for one more minute before moving close to where her dad was seated on the couch.

Charlie: You okay, dad?

Lucifer: I'm fine, sweetie. Just a little dizzy. I've been using that ability more in thebpast few months than I ever did for 10000 years. It's always draining.

Alastor has disappeared, probably in the kitchen making her dad tea.

Cherri: Not gonna lie. That was kinda hot.

Angel: Yeah. You gotta keep doing whatever that was when you can, short king. Preferably when I'm there to see it. You know, I give full consent for you to do that to me in be-

Charlie: Angel!

Angel: What?

Alastor: Do you never think before you speak, Angel?

Saved by the radio demon. Lucifer smirks as gladly accepts the tea handed to him.

Angel: I'm just here expressing my feelings, Al! And princess, didn't you say that was a redeeming quality.

Vaggie: You are so lucky Lucifer- uh sir- is not killing you on the spot.

Angel: Hehe sorry, handsome. Just a lil fun~

Lucifer chuckles at this. Charlie sure did find some funny individuals.

Lucifer: None taken, Angel. And Vaggie, I told you to stop calling me sir. Lucifer is fine, or if you want.. dad.

Vaggie blushed so so golden that she went to hide in her girlfriend's shoulders in embarrassment.

Vaggie: okay… Lucifer sir.

The King of Hell chuckles in amusement. Well, he'll take what he can get.

Someone clears their throat causing everyone to look at the source.

Lucifer: What is it, Satan?

Satan: As cute as this is, I think we need to discuss what happened earlier.

Lucifer: Can I say anything that will make you guys just drop it?

Various statements from All: Nope. No. Sorry, shorty. Nuh uh. I don't believe so, my dear.

He sighs.

Lucifer: Worth a shot.

When Lucifer doesn't make a move to speak, Charlie kneels before him to hold his hands in hers. There's ringing in his ears.

Charlie: Dad..

Fatherdamnit! Why is he so weak when it comes to his baby girl? He's the Devil for fucks sake and-

And… he's a father first.

Lucifer: It was my brother. Michael.

Everyone's eyes widened in shock except for the Sins. They knew who it was but what they want to know is why.

Angel: Woah woah woah! Like St. Michael the Archangel ?? From the Bible??

Lucifer: Angel, I'm from the Bible.

Angel: Oh yeah.

Charlie: Do you think this is about the last extermination?

Vaggie: But that was already a few months ago. If Heaven had a problem with what happened, I'm pretty sure that we'd hear from them much earlier. Unless..

Husk: It could be cos of the mess in the 7th ring?

Lucifer doesn't answer any of them again. Instead, he looks on to the Heaven shaped planet in the sky.

Asmodeus: Luci… is a war coming?

Lucifer: I can't answer that.

Liar. Why are you lying again? You know why Michael did that. They can help. They will listen!

Alastor: Cannot or won't, my Majesty?

He should've known Alastor will see right through him. Smiling prick.

Lucifer: Does it matter?

The demon's grin doesn't falter.

Alastor: I do not know, my King. Does it?

The faint ringing in his ears is getting louder. He can't ignore it for long.

He stands and dusts himself off.

Lucifer: I don't have time for this. I need to go to Heaven as soon as possible. Preferably right now.

Loud protests echoed in the hotel lobby as soon as he said it.

Alastor: Mon ange, let us not be too hasty.

Satan: Are you fucking kidding me?!

Leviathan: No way.

Mammon: So it is a war???

Ozzie: On your own?!

Bee: What if they kill you?? One of us will go with you.

Belphegor: At least take someone from the Ars Goetia. I'm sure Paimon would gladly give you a strong familiar.

Angel: I make stupid choices so I know this is stupid- ow! The hell, bitch??

Vaggie: Shut up, Angel. But they're right, Lucifer sir. And sorry but what brought this on?

Charlie: Let me come with you atleast.

That's it.

Lucifer: No!

That stopped the talking atleast.

Lucifer: I need to talk to Michael and I'm pretty sure he's not going to come down here. And no, I am not going to take anyone with me. It's too dangerous, Charlie. Don't worry, he's not gonna kill me up there. Just… I promise I'll explain what I can after but right now… I need to go

He can see the Sins about to argue again but he gave them the softest look he can muster and it did the trick because they all clammed up.

Lucifer: Do you trust me?

The look they give him makes him reminiscent the beginning. A time of nothing and all he had was Lilith and the newly born Sins. He sometimes forgets that they were still a lot younger than him and for a long time, he was all they got.

Satan: Of course.

He hopes the smile he gives them is reassuring enough. They melt into his hold as he rans a hand through their faces to cup them.

Lucifer: Good. Take care of my daughter and Hell, okay?

Finally appraoching Charlie and her friends, he draws small pentagrams that embedded themselves unto their skins.

Lucifer: These will act as a ward to anything that poses as a danger to you. Consider it a gift from me.

He locks eyes with Alastor and they form a silent agreement.

His deer takes his hand and bends down to kiss it.

Alastor: With my soul, my love.

Lucifer smiles and suddenly a golden flurry engulfs him, tranforming him back to what he originally looked like before Roo.

When Leviathan gave him a look, he waves in dismissal.

Lucifer: I don't need Michael or Heaven knowing about all this mess. As far as they're concerned, Roo never happened.

He calls upon Keekee, who turned into a key to open a golden portal. Vaggie can see that wherever he opened it, it wasn't the pearly gates of Heaven. It looked like… a room? And since when was Lucifer allowed to open any door in Heaven on his own? This is all suspicious if you ask her. But she bites her tongue.

Before the King could step in, he was grabbed by the arm. He looks back to see his daughter having a tight grip on his wrist.

Lucifer: Char-char?

Charlie: Come back, dad. Okay?

He wishes he just lived a normal life with his beloved little girl.

Lucifer: Promise…. Love you.

-----------------------------

Found the comic with the baby Sins thanks to user @s-arina!

Baby Sins Comic by aogs_47777

[m4rs-ex3]

people always make silly little lists of characters' crimes which i love but i'm gonna do smth a lillllll different

tdp character trauma log 🫶✨

callum

lost his father at a Baby age (the perfect age actually; young enough to be very emotional and impressionable but old enough to have to process it)

was thrown into a drastically different + high-key terrifying environment at Baby Age

lost his mother--his comfort person, his only connection to his og life (besides amaya), and also just an amazing individual--leaving him alone in said environment

was constantly belittled for being bad at the thing he never asked to be

lost his stepfather aka his only parent left and experienced an array of regret over what he didn't do while harrow was alive

almost watched his little brother down/freeze to death

was betrayed by his childhood friend

endured a severe dark magic sickness + traumatizing fever dream

almost choked to death

watched his whole world jump off of the highest point in the world

almost died plummeting off of the highest point in the world

was abandoned by Love of His Life for several depressed years

was literally fucking possessed

was taxed with the decision between becoming a vessel for the most dangerous individual in the world to destroy everything and hurt everyone he loves OR essentially ending his life (a conclusion he himself had to come to)

was under the impression that Love of His Life was dead (and he never got to tell her what he wanted to)

almost died pt 3

almost died pt 4-5

bound and brutally beaten + electrocuted (?)

watched the most important person in the world to him mercilessly tortured within an inch of her life

almost lost her AGAIN and had to destroy his entire moral compass in order to save her

tortured

almost died 6: choked pt 2

rayla

where do i begin

well first off grew up in the silvergrove and hey moonshadow elves i love ya but oh dear god -promotes "strength" and stoicism over discussing your feelings and admitting to your weaknesses -so bound (literally) by duty and oaths that faltering results in either being good as dead or dead as dead -ETC

equipped with a debilitating phobia of water--a fear most would see as bizarre and silly and exceptionally irrational--in a culture that as previously mentioned shuns fear to all hell

was left by her parents and (despite them having a perfectly good reason) never really healed

almost drowned which was not helped by the phobia

almost ravaged by an ancient vampire

an ASSASSIN who has to KILL PEOPLE but is a WHOLESOME SWEETHEART

haunted by her "constant" mistakes; her strengths get wholly overshadowed by her weaknesses

told by the father figure she revered that she is a stupid baby useless idiot (roughly)

was flatly told by Father Figure he expected to kill her (to which she's just like "fr prolly" good god girl you are fucked)

had to not only sit and listen to, but conform to horrid stereotypes she's been haunted by since she was a kid

nearly slowly lost a hand (and just straight up accepted like ik this isn't the point but i feel the need to address when she does some insanely broken shit)

saw a person wither to dust before her eyes i feel like we forget about this

almost died like pt 4 ish i literally cannot keep track what counts and whats too minor a near death experience and why do i have to ask these questions

watched the love of her life (shut up harry styles) suffocate in his sleep in her arms

almost died pt 5-8 ?

i once again don't even know where to begin this time with her ghosting. linking this post again but tldr she didn't do anything wrong, she believed she did, her society not only confirmed these suspicions but god they pinned her with so much more, and she was told that actually no and what the fuck is she supposed to do with that u just told her everything she knows is wrong and that she actually has worth and she is not keen on that mindset

almost died 9? i include this one bc soulfangs are terrifying

cooly came to the conclusion that she deserved to die for her parents mistakes (and fully intended on doing so)

almost died jumping off the highest point in the world

suffered from persistent nightmares

almost drowned (the phobia once again did not help)

was nearly killed by the dead former co-workers she feels responsible for killing

forced herself to leave behind Love of Her Life and if you don't think that was the hardest fucking thing in the world for her

spent two, miserable years alone, getting beaten down again and again (mentally and physically,) plagued by her vendetta, haunted by all she lost, never knowing comfort, never knowing love, and probably so much worse that we don't even know woohoo!

thought that, after years of painful wondering, the parents she desperately wanted back were killed right in front of her

almost died pt who even fucking knows

almost died

almost died

almost died

almost died

almost died

was absolutely fucking brutally tortured (within an inch of her life) 😚✌🌸✨✨

almost died horrendously (she rlly couldnt catch a break that day)

had to choose between pushing her trauma to the absolute limit or hating herself for not protecting her friends

almost died

ez

motherless

couldn't make friends (for a reason no one would believe)

that's why yo [daddy] dead. dead as hell. what shoes [he] got on what shoes [he] got on in [his] casket

almost drowned/froze

had the pressure of surviving as an orphan ANDD being a fucking king forced upon him at the same time

felt responsible for thousands of lives

was imprisoned

was almost motherfucking impaled by scary adult

all that? yea he was like 10

therefore

grew up weird like his brother and rayla

probably almost died a lot of times

imprisoned again & was threatened and bared witness to his brother + his closest friend tortured (+ almost murdered)

almost murdered by someone he once trusted

prolly a lot more idk i was gonna include soren n claudia but i am so fucking exhausted THESE KIDS ARE SO FUCKED OML 😭😭

[generouskittentidalwave]

Astro boy reboot, oh boy

So news of the new Astro boy reboot series broke out like WILD FIRE and as I predicted the fandom that has been waiting so long for it is very worried of how it'll turn out

But honestly

I'm actually quite hyped for it.

They removed the Miraculous creator from working on it which is a great start in my book THANK THE HEAVENS. Secondly I don't mind Astro having a girl he has feelings for at 9 as that happened in the 80s version and it was genuinely very sweet (ya know until she was found out to be a bomb and the two had to heartbreakingly seperate by her needing to be taken apart which destroyed the fandom's hearts). And he had plenty of crushes over the years so I'm not phased by it.

The only thing I hope for is that they don't make her human, because the problem with a robot child being together with a normal human child is the fact that she can age and he can't as he is permanently stuck with the mind and body of a 9 year old, so OOOO THAT RELATIONSHIP WILL BE *BAD* IN THE LONG RUN IF THEY MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP A PERMANENT THING AND NOT TEMPORARY.

Now to talk about some other things, I am actually really excited for the plot. It's a very slept on plot on the idea that Astro has to keep his robot identity secret from others to blend in as human and sometimes not even discovering he is a robot himself till later as usually unless told or shown otherwise Astro is mistaken to be a normal human child. That idea of self discovery and finding about who you are, who can from, and who you decide to be is a core trait for Astro and I find the plot as a cool way to show that.

And speaking of which, the elephant in the room. Tobio. By the looks of the plot it makes it known that Astro is gonna have the hero name be Astro when he is fighting and will most likely be called Atom by others AND I HOPE I PRAY TEZUKA GOD OF MANGA YOU BETTER HELP HERE I HOPE that they actually keep in and address the fact that Astro/robot Tobio is a robotic replacement by a father gone mad of his 9 year old dying in a tragic car accident as it's a CORE part of his character. The implication that robot Tobio has been living as a replacement in this series and is discovering himself and who he truly is by becoming Astro would be SO COOL

Lastly, the cgi, ima be honest it looks pretty decent. I like the way it looks as we could've gotten something so much worse if it was animated like Miraculous believe me. It looks bright, cartoony and colorful which ppl associate with it causing stir for it being aimed towards kids but the original Astro boy was also aimed towards kids in that same goofy cartoon style. What made it memorable was the story, the meaning, how a goofy and silly looking manga who could hold such darkness and truth and bringing to light deep societal and human issues while dealing with the inner turmoil of a boy trying to find out who he truly is beyond what he was made for. That he isn't a replacement, that he isn't just a robot. So as long as they are able or atleast TRY to hit that mark, then that's what matters to me more than the style.

In conclusion, it's just the pitch idea mind you, just a summed up concept. Everything is subject to be changed and tweaked as things get made and processed. For all we know it could end up being something completely different. The fandom has a reason to be on edge but we should be atleast a bit more open minded towards it until we see it in action it might not be another 2003 but it's definetly no 2009. And as for the ones working on it with both Tezuka productions and the fandom holding them at gunpoint over a series we've waited nearly a decade for, that better encourage them to give out one hell of a series.

Also Tenma and Oshan better be the same divorced science dads we all know and love or I swear to god-

[the-flaming-nightmare]

Regressuary 2024 Prompts

This is gonna be my second attempt at Regressuary, so I've decided to make prompts of my own this year! 🌞🦖✨

Everyone is more than welcome to use them (I would honestly be really flattered if you did lol), so by all means, use them if you wish! 💞

I've actually been working on some of these prompts in advance since September or October last year. I'm so SO excited!! I'm actually feeling really confident that I'll be able to complete it this year! 😁😁

I look forward to see everyone's lovely creations next month! 🥰

1. Character A comes down with the flu and ends up regressing. Character B stays over to look after them.

2. Character A is sick but refuses to admit it and rest, leading to an inevitable drop in headspace when they're poor over-exhausted body can't take the pretending anymore: in comes Character B to care for them in their time of need.

3. Character A gets food poisoning, prompting Character B to look after them when they regress.

4. Character B accidentally says a naughty word in earshot of Character A. Character C is not impressed when they return home to discover A's enthusiasm for this new word.

5. Character A throws a massive tantrum and gets put into time out by Character B.

6. Character A gives Character B a makeover–while they're sleeping.

7. After spending a week of vacation in headspace, Character B attempts to re-potty train Character A in preparation for the coming school/work days ahead. A is not having it, and shows B exactly how they feel about it by having an "accident" outside of their pull-up.

8. Apocalypse/Littles are Known AU: Character B saves Character A from a zombie attack and takes them in.

9. Littles are Known AU: Character A, who's been in and out of Little Foster homes for many years, is taken to the hospital by their current Foster Caregiver for a broken foot. Character B is A's doctor, and upon examining them, realizes their broken foot might not have been as accidental as their Foster Caregiver said it was.

10. Littles are Known AU: Character A is feeling some anxiety on their first day of Daycare, but Character B knows just what to do to ease their fears.

11. Character A and Character B are roommates. One day after spending the evening regressed while B was out with friends, A accidentally left their sippy cup out on the kitchen counter. The next day when B comes into the kitchen for their morning cup of coffee, they make the unexpected discovery. An awkward but enlightening conversation between A and B ensues.

12. Character B comes home to discover Character A lying in bed surrounded by what looks like an entire box worth of popsicle wrappers.

13. Character A gets their period while regressed and goes to Character B for help and comfort. Having taken care of a regressed A while on their period a handful of times before, B knows exactly what to do for them.

14. Character A contracts the mumps and gets taken care of by Character B.

15. Character B gets Character A the puppy they've always wanted for their birthday.

16. Littles are Known AU: After months of waiting, Character B and Character C finally adopt and bring home Character A.

17. Character C has to leave for an overnight stay out of town, leaving Character A and and Character B to themselves for the first time since A started regressing with them. B manages to keep A distracted most of the day, but it's when bedtime rolls around that C's absence really hits A hard. B ends up staying up half the night with a very distressed A.

18. Character A does something dangerous and almost gets themself gravely injured in the process, which ends in them getting a spanking from Character B.

19. Character B and Character C take Character A on a trip to the beach.

20. Character A and Character B have a sleepover at Character C's house.

21. Littles are Known AU: After Character B and Character C end up having a biological child, Character A has a hard time adjusting to the new addition to the household.

22. Littles are Known AU: Character A is left on the doorstep of Character's B and C on Christmas Day.

23. Character A and Character B get into a fight over what to watch, which ends up resulting in B hitting A. Character C has to come in and deal with the situation.

24. Character A gets their wisdom teeth removed and wakes up regressed. Character B takes them home and looks after them.

25. Character A makes Character B a homemade card/gift for their birthday.

26. Character A accidentally eats something they're not supposed to and Character B has to rush them to the hospital.

27. In attempt to pet a wild animal while out at the park, Character A ends up getting scratched/bit by it. Character B comes to their rescue and aid.

28. Character A and Character B bake a cake.

29. Character A has an allergic reaction and regresses. Fortunately, Character B is there to help.

[vashtijoy]

maruki, ren, wakaba: history rhymes

Maruki's journal entries cover an almost three-year period, from 2014/04/09 to 2017/01/01. This overlaps with almost the entirety of canon; Akechi begins working for Shido "two and a half years" before 11/21 (that's 2014/05/21)—which, again, is not too far from this 04/09 date; if you want to hypothesise that he, too, awakens around 2014/04/09, go wild.

Why is 4/9 a significant date for Maruki?

4/9: maruki and joker connect to their personas

According to his journal, Maruki's awakening is a painful, drawn-out process. In February 2014, he's already getting headaches. They worsen until August of that year, when he partially awakens.

His start of darkness is, of course, the murder of his girlfriend Rumi's parents. The killer then attacks Rumi while making his escape, and Maruki is powerless to prevent it. She never recovers, and neither does he:

Apr. 9   I just can't believe what's happened. I'll never see Rumi's parents again... I don't even know if Rumi will ever come back to me. Her heart's been completely closed off ever since that day. Why did this happen? What did Rumi do to deserve this?   Do we really have to just go on suffering these consequences? My headaches are getting worse— I'm even starting to hear things. Am I having some kind of breakdown? I can't lose it... I have to do something to help Rumi. No matter what it takes.

But 2014/04/09 is the first day he feels able to journal about the murder. "I'm starting to hear things," he says; this is likely the first day he hears the voice of his persona. It's also the date he commits to help Rumi "no matter what it takes".

... However. This is also two years to the day before Joker stops at Shibuya Crossing, gets the Meta-Nav from Yaldabaoth—who is lurking far beneath the Crossing—inadvertently enters the Metaverse, and sees his own shadow and the suggestion of the persona it will become:

He is a scary boy when he wants to be, huh? I bet his Palace would have been amazing. Note that Joker, here, will also not awaken right away—but he's seen his persona, his shadow-as-is, for the first time.

8/21: maruki's partial awakening and wakaba's murder

(@notcoolnickname points out that Wakaba dies on 8/21, not 8/22—thanks! I think we can push Maruki's awakening back two days rather than one, so I'm gonna, lol. Because even if it's a day out, or two, this is really too close for coincidence.)

On 2014/08/23, Maruki writes about his visit to Rumi in the hospital. We also see that visit. He talks about "someone" he's recently met who thinks his research has promise, who wants to fund it—well, it's no surprise he loses that funding, put it like that. He talks about how he wants to save the whole world, by changing the cognition of criminals before they act.

Rumi does not take this well; she begs him to help her forget. And he realises that what she needs is not a solution to crime, but to her trauma—and so does everyone else.

This is when he awakens.

He begs Azathoth to help him save Rumi. And Rumi forgets him entirely—almost. But she's forgotten her trauma, as well:

Aug. 23   I still can't figure out what that voice was in Rumi's room. Was it my subconscious? Was it... it feels so strange writing this as a scientist, but... was it some kind of godlike being?

The entry's dated 8/23, but he says he still can't figure it out. So when did the events in the video happen? Were they two days before, by any chance?

What else happens not just on 8/21, but around or on this exact day?

Yeah. On 8/22, Sae places Wakaba's murder "two years ago". The day before, on 8/21, Sojiro commemorates the anniversary of Wakaba's death.

That's to say: if that visit to Rumi was on 8/21, then Wakaba was murdered the day Maruki awakened. The same exact day, or as good as. Like, what the fuck, y'all?

It seems really clear to me that these corresponding dates are either a thematic or narrative link back to Yaldabaoth—who, of course, causes both Joker and Akechi to awaken. Is he involved with Maruki, somehow? Does he have his fingers in more than one pie? Or are all these guys just narratively echoing each other?

Maruki, of course, will ultimately replace Yaldabaoth in Mementos.

other correspondences in the timeline

What else is there? Well, Maruki's first journal entry, when he talks about his headaches, is on 2014/02/02—three years before he meets with Joker and Akechi at Leblanc. But he says he's meeting Rumi's parents "tomorrow". So his 2/3 boss fight is on the three-year anniversary of his first meeting with Rumi's parents.

His entry about his research being shut down, and his need for test subjects—presumably what leads him into counselling?—is on 2015/06/03. Well, 6/3 is the calling card deadline for Madarame's Palace; I don't think that is too significant. But note that, in this 2015 entry, his research has been shut down; in August 2014, when Wakaba was murdered, Shido was still offering Maruki funding.

So why didn't Shido murder Maruki? The answer is that Shido was still actively recruiting Metaverse researchers, even after Akechi was working for him. Something about Maruki made him unusable—his good intentions and general incorruptibility, maybe—but not dangerous; maybe he just didn't know enough. Also note here that Akechi doesn't know there's anything special about Maruki until the third semester.

He journals that he met Yoshizawa and changed her cognition on 3/25—a couple of weeks before canon begins on 4/9. So whenever we see him, whenever he has a counselling session, he's able to connect with, and change, the cognition of the person he meets....

Lastly, he doesn't journal that "I've finally done it... reality and the cognitive world are merging" until 1/1. 1/1 is the day reality starts to go properly squiffy (the shrine is empty, Morgana is missing, Futaba mentions her mom), and it's the day after that odd New Year party, when everyone seems just a little too happy. Joker's dream is on the night of 12/31—Maruki doesn't send him the dream, I think (Joker is in his prison clothes and sees Lavenza as the butterfly) but he talks to him in it.

But Akechi is there in Shibuya on 12/24, barely moments after Maruki gains Yaldabaoth's power; just hours after the blood rain. The first gift Maruki gave with his new power, I always thought. But he seems to only become aware of what he can do after 12/24. We skip from 12/25 to 12/30, so anything could have happened in the meantime....

But what's going on here? Something odd, that's for sure. Is it possible—just possible—that that Akechi we see, on 12/24, who steps forward in Shibuya and turns himself in, is not the one Maruki interferes with or otherwise brings back, but the actual, living Akechi who was there all along?

[larchelle-ffxiv]

more 7.0 spoilers bc I was DRAINED after finishing msq yesterday. also a lot of headcanon stuff for my skrungly bc I have THOUGHTS AND THINGS I GOTTA WRITE

- so this expac hurt obviously, but MAN I didn't expect it to touch on grief and loss, let alone HOW it approached that. where shb and ew had similar themes going on of "regardless of the loss and sorrow we are faced with, we will learn to press on and continue", that sorta thing. dt is here like "hiya gamers are you ready to learn how to ACTUALLY LET GO OF THAT LOSS? HOW TO ACTUALLY SIT DOWN AND PROCESS THAT GRIEF? WELL YOURE GONNA LEARN TODAY"

- everything about alexandria/LM BROKE ME. a really powerful message on how impressive and impactful technology can be, but also how quickly it can be weaponized and abused. and the shit about erasing the memories of those who die just being commonplace???? the turali people who were in the dome, found themselves losing THIRTY YEARS OF THEIR LIVES, their loved ones back in tural thinking they were dead or missing and they were RIGHT THERE, some in that time REALLY DYING/BECOMING ENDLESS? good GOD that fucked me up. not to mention EVERYTHING ABOUT SPHENE. she didn't ASK to be made into an endless, she had goddamn levin sickness and WENT TO TRY TO HELP HER PEOPLE ANYWAY, preservation forced her new self to put the people's needs and desires so much in the forefront of her priorities that she became a TERRIBLY FLAWED leader, but was so blind to her faults bc she "did everything for her people's wellbeing". she's a heartbreaking character for sure, ugh

- this expac gave us SO MUCH GOD DAMN WORLD BUILDING. WOW. ive never done every single yellow quest in an expac, but I've made it a huge goal of mine to do it here esp throughout the expac, and it's been SO WORTH IT. the further extended lore, the foreshadowing/clarification and further explanation for things, it was all terrific jfc. now I wanna go back and do yellow quests for all the expansions bc bro. this shit is just SITTING HERE??? FOR FREE????

- I've finally figured out why people (aka capital g Gamers on reddit/ff forums/twitter) don't like this expac. it's absolutely feeling like what stb has become to a lot of the player base. it features a lot of POC, has female leads, and we as the WoL aren't The Main Character. at least in stb we had more of a presence as WoL, but here one title doesn't matter anywhere near as much in comparison. also, with a lot of the dialogue/plot stuff/music (esp the songs with lyrics) , this expac is kingdom hearts coded AS FUCK. it's goofier than EW/SHB, it has more corny stuff going on, wuk lamat is LITERALLY female furry sora. they're mad that we aren't the Main Character, they're mad it isn't as edgy/horrific/depressing, they """can't relate""" bc everything is so diverse and full of hispanic culture, and they're fucking FIXATED on wuk lamat's VA being a trans woman. jfc I'm so glad I'm not on Twitter and I don't look at the ffxiv reddit, bc the shit I've heard has been pathetic and obnoxious lmao. like, try to have ACTUAL CONSTRUCTIVE THINGS to complain about.

also, I hold the unpopular opinion of HW being my least favorite experience in game. the beginning of it is SO GODDAMN SLOW AND PAINFUL, and i honestly got soooo bored of seeing the same looking white elezens/hearing about the Catholic Control and Drama. i also really dont like the dungeons or trials (minus the last msq one, still great thematically), and playing 50-60 as a scholar was NOT fun lmao. hilda, the OST, and everything relating to the DRK quest line are basically all that kept me going through that expac.

But I won't go being a goddamn asshole about it to people who like it!!! let people ENJOY things jfc lmao, also recognize that every single expac takes time to hit the Big Frickin Moments (aka level x7 most of the time), and not everything needs to involve huge amounts of massacre and horror!!! even then, did yall NOT pay attention to what happened with solution 9/living memory??? where goddamn SOULS ARE A CURRENCY???? how about the mamool ja SACRIFICING INFANTS EN MASSE in hopes of a two headed son being born, and putting all their faith in that son to get them out from the deepest depths of the jungle???? or the war between them and the x'braal???? is2g the lack of media literacy/reading comprehension amongst gamers, I'm so TIRED

RANT OVER UGH ANYWAYYYYY

- chelle is absolutely gonna find her adoptive mom satsuki in the canal town section of living memory. hands fucking down. ive had this idea for y e a r s now of them having a chance meeting in the aetherial sea as she "died" after fighting zenos in UT, but it fits SO WELL to have it take place in LM of all places. satsuki spending YEARS trying to find her lil meow meow again, hearing tales of what sounded like her girl, but how in the hell did the shy, sickly child she once cared for get strong enough to become a whole ass HERO??? and just always ending up in each place she was too long after she had left, bc she was only able to work off of hearsay ;A;

me and my partner have it where satsuki's wife and her always hoped to visit tural together, and she gave her wife notes on how she needed to help satsuki find this young miqo girl she adopted after her wife went to travel again. as luck would have it, enna was in tural waiting for satsuki to join her there (satsuki and her were doing research based on chelle's appearance and accent and essentially crossed every continent off the list over time. esp Ala mhigo bc, even tho that's where satsuki found her, enna knew she couldn't be born there based on she herself being Ala mhigan). enna becomes chelle's viper mentor and says that she knows her mother, but doesn't elaborate much until they get to know each other better.

so them finding her in LM? still running a tavern and keeping people happy with booze and food and sea shanties all sung off key? oh it's gonna DESTROY THEM, but be such an important step in getting closure/learning to face grief head on/letting her go without regrets. and they're gonna be a family and UGH I CANT WAIT TO WRITE IT

- fellow wolgrahas. fellow wolgrahas how the FUCK WE DOIN BOYS, LIKE?????? they really gave us a main story quest to help an endless find an engagement ring to propose to his beloved, AND THEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER. put us on a gondola ride with g'raha so he could have a """heartfelt conversation"""with us AGAIN???? BRO!!!!!!

chelle and him are absolutely gonna finally address their relationship again, where g'raha has been struggling to figure out whether or not to propose lol. he really wants to do something to symbolize them being together for life, but knows that she isn't the kind of person who likes just staying in one place/being tied down and isn't really about traditional. well anything lol. he's gonna stumble his way through all those thoughts before she gently cuts him off, reassuring him that she understands and appreciates how thoughtful he's been about the whole thing. reflect a bit on what they've seen and been through, both in the first and since he returned to the source, and with this couple and them talking about "living without regrets/living life to the fullest"(gotta reread the dialogue for when I write this lol). and thought stuffy fancy shindigs aren't her thing, she knows damn well that he's someone she wants to see the world and share her life with.

and SHE'S the one who gets down on one knee and asks him to elope with her/be life partners. the bitch PROPOSES HERSELF, but is too stupid to realize/still too scared of vulnerability to actually call it what it is. and he's about to burst into tears and before he can say anything the gondola knocks into the pier at the end of the ride, as chelle's kissing his hand, causing her to nearly headbutt the poor boy in the crotch and both of them panicked going "OH GODS ARE YOU OKAY, DID YOU GET HURT, SORRY". and they stare at one another before chelle awkwardly laughs going "i guess this would be a bad time to make a joke about "giving you head", huh" or something else cringe like that, to which they both start laughing, holding hands as they step back onto the pier before those laughs are joined with joy filled crying as they hold each other as tight as gd possible and jfeivoeoivoeor

I'm sure I'll have more to say and reflect on but this is already super long and I just. wow. what a goddamn incredible experience dawntrail has been.