#i'm not mad at anyone just frustrated i guess. i don't mind myself doing it but what if other people find it weird? i don't do it for ill

[tomssexdoll]

I HAVE A REQUEST its a 2010 tom/bill smut but its from his point of view.. so like his thoughts and how horny he is and how hot y/n is etc it can be all rough bc hes jealous or smth idk and in the end its all sweet and hes just so in love with her and stuff :) LOVE UR WRITING BTW

SUREEE!!! TY FOR THE SUPPORT LOVELY MWAH

PAIRINGS: Bill 2010 x Female reader CONTENT: A LIL BIT OF ANGST + SMUT + FLUFF SYPNOSIS: Bill is getting a little bit jealous of the amount of time you're spending with a certain friend, he thinks they are tearing apart your relationship and confronts you when you get home from a night out with them, but you solve things and y/n reminds Bill that he's the only one that she wants, easing his mind. A/N: SORRY IF THIS ISN'T HOW U IMAGINED IT IT'S JUST HOW I DID WARNINGS: dom!bill, reader!sub, jerking off, kissing

I waited for Y/N to come home, she was out with one of her new friends and they were spending a lot of time together, I've always had this weird feeling about them, they are just so sketchy and kinda flirty with y/n and it makes me so mad.

I do admit I have jealously issues and sometimes it can interfere with her friendships but I can't help it, she's so perfect, who wouldn't want to be with her?

I tried to tell myself I was overthinking but I just couldn't brush the thought that they were doing something to her, loving her better then I do, kissing her better, fucking her better.

Then suddenly I heard the door open, I didn't notice y/n had arrived home because I was so buried in my thoughts. I got up and kissed her head softly, pondering about whether I should confront her. I took a deep breath in and turned her around "y/n..I don't like the friend you just hung out with.." I mumbled, her face dropped and she rolled her eyes "yeah you never like any of my friends, it's always i'm spending too much time with them or i'm standing too close to them" she pushed me off and sighed, walking off.

I groaned "well maybe I wouldn't think that if you weren't so touchy with them!" she scoffed "touchy? what you mean hugging them? Bill am I not allowed to hug them now?"

"I..no.." I hesitated but she interrupted me "no! I'm sick of you letting your jealously issues get to you! it's not fair for me" she choked out a sob and stormed off, slamming the bedroom door.

I angrily sighed, all my emotions hitting me like a truck, going towards the bedroom and knocking softly "baby..please" she yelled back "no!" "fine if you want to be stubborn then be stubborn but I'm not putting up with it" I barged in, seeing her sitting on the edge of the bed, arms crossed and eyes narrowing at me.

"You're so possessive Bill, it's too much for me" she sneered, "well I wouldn't have to be if your friends weren't so touchy and weird with you!" I said, my voice slightly raising, she rubbed her temples in frustration "i'm sick of having this conversation over and over again, sit down, now" she ordered, my eyes widened a little bit at her dominance and I obliged, sitting down next to her.

She got up and sat on my lap, caressing my cheek "why are you always so worried Bill, have I ever done anything to betray your trust?" I shook my head "no..I guess not, it's just..you know how i get baby" I sighed and looked deeply into her eyes. She leaned in and kissed me softly "exactly so you have nothing to worry about, i've told you countless of times that I don't want anyone else but you Bill and it's true, it hasn't changed from the last 10 times i've told you" she sighed and buried her face into my neck, kissing it gently.

She was slightly grinding on me, I could tell she was trying to tease me and a smirk tugged at my lips, "I'll prove it to you..i'll make you feel good.." she whispered sensually in my ear and tugged at my jeans, trying to get them off.

I helped her and slid them off, along with my boxers too.

I moaned softly as she gripped my cock, slowly pumping it with her beautiful hands, "you're the only one I want Bill" she whispered in my ear as she picked up the pace, jerking my cock faster.

"Mmh.." I groaned as she rubbed her thumb over my sensitive tip, grabbing onto her hips tightly, "keep going..fuck.." I whispered, closing my eyes and letting out a loud moan. Enjoying the feeling of her small hands on my cock.

She started to pump harder, kissing my neck as she did and softly sucking the skin, leaving little love bites everywhere. "I love you so much Bill..i'm not gonna leave you so easily" she whispered softly, easing my nerves. I nodded and kept my eyes shut, biting my lip roughly as she rubbed her thumb over my sensitive tip again.

"Shit..love you so much baby" I mumbled, my grip on her hips tightening, digging my nails and leaving marks on the skin. She groaned softly at the pain, smashing her lips into mine and pumping faster "cum for me.." she mumbled against my lips, I felt tension building up in my stomach, signalling my soon to be climax.

Her pace was rough and fast, it hurt a little but it felt so good at the same time, the way her hands fit just perfectly around my cock, it was like they were made for me. Like we were meant to be together.

She was such a beautiful girl, so kind and loving, I hated that my issues got to me most of the time but that reassurance she'd gladly give me was the best part of her, the fact that she'd never give up on me so easily.

"G'nna cum baby..fuck.." I groaned, bucking my hips into her hands, she smirked and I came, shooting my cum onto her hands and arm. She went to the bathroom and washed her hands, coming back and sitting on my lap again, "see, I told you I love you and only YOU" she frowned slightly "I don't know why you never believe me", I winced slightly at her pain "baby..I don't know either..but i'm sorry i'm trying my best to be better" pushing a strand of hair away from her face.

I held the back of her head with one hand and leaned in, kissing her sweetly, our lips moving together perfectly. "I'll always love you, always be there for you" she smiled, I looked into her eyes, searching for any signs of deceit but all that was there was sincerity and pure love for me, I sighed in relief and kissed her again.

"I'm so in love with you y/n, you're perfect" I pulled away, tracing her curves softly, she giggled, that giggle that I love, the one that could make anyone who was upset, smile. She was all I needed.

[doe-eyed-fool]

Fallen {Chapter Twenty}

Alastor x (Fem)Reader

I found myself tagging along for Alastor's radio broadcasts more often since that day. I never thought I'd think this, but, listening to them made me less stressed. I would tend to listen to podcasts when I was alive, either for background noise or just for a laugh.

Though Alastor's broadcasts weren't always humorous, they could be nice to listen in on. When, they weren't violent that is. But I never joined when it was time for that anyway. Alastor had told me how foolish it was for everyone to rot their brains with the thousands of TV's, all ran by VoxTech, instead of listening to the radio. 

I can't speak for everyone else, and honestly I'd be a hypocrite if I agreed with him. While I was alive, I was drawn in my TV and all sorts of tech. But, I could understand his frustrations.

He works hard, he's passionate about it, and little to no one seems to actually care. Alastor seemed stuck in the old days, and was content with it. And there wasn't anything wrong with that, especially since he didn't come off as ignorant to current events and problems or bigoted. He couldn't be. 

The world was changing, and so was Hell, there was nothing he could do about that. And he knows it. But, he kept his love for his time, for the good more than the bad, and that involved the radio show he loved doing so much.

I could tell, he found relief and comfort in it. Yes, even when he was mutilating demons...

But for the radio on it's own, there was a real love  and deep passion for it. I understood him, to a certain extent. To be passionate about something, and having it ignored because it didn't vibe well with everyone else. Who was I to ignore him? So, I guess that's why I was more convinced to stay and listen with him. 

I lean back, a gentle smile on my face as I listen to him speak and even quietly laugh whenever he'd crack a lame dad joke. 

Today, he had been playing some oldies, but goodies, and I even recognized one of them. 

Blue moon You saw me standin' alone Without a dream in my heart Without a love of my own

Blue moon You knew just what I was there for You heard me sayin' a prayer for Someone I could really care for

My smile grew slightly as I sway to the melody. Alastor noticed and joined me by my side. "I didn't know you liked this kind of music." He said to me. "I like all sorts of music." I tell him. "Even this kind. This is Blue Moon? Dean Martin's version, right?" I ask. "That's right, my dear!" Alastor nods. I hum and listen along. 

Suddenly, Alastor offered his hand to me, I stare at it for second. "Care for a dance?" He asks me. "Oh, uh...I-I can't dance. Really." I say timidly. "I'd step all over your feet." Alastor chuckles. "Then, let me lead." I thought about it for a moment before giving in with a sigh.

I take his hand. "I warned you. Don't get mad if I crush your toes." Alastor brings me to a stand, and places his free hand on my side. He removes his other from my hand, to guide my other to his shoulder, before taking it again. 

And then there suddenly appeared before me The only one my arms will hold I heard somebody whisper, "Please adore me" And when I looked, the moon had turned to gold

Blue moon Now, I'm no longer alone Without a dream in my heart Without a love of my own

"Ready?" He asks. I nod, feeling my face heat up. I felt my heart pick up as he began to move, guiding me along. I really hope my hands weren't as sweating as I thought they were...

I kept my eyes anywhere but onto his own, my mind was racing and my heart pounding. It was then I heard him speak. "You're tense." I sigh. "Well...I haven't danced like this with anyone in...a long time."

Alastor hums, before turning me and pulling me close again. I failed to stifle a gasp as he did so. "You're not doing as bad as I thought you would." He tells me. "T-Thanks?" I mutter. 

"You know, it's not very polite to not look at your dancing partner." I slowly turn my gaze up at him. 

And then there suddenly appeared before me The only one my arms will ever hold I heard somebody whisper, "Please adore me" And when I looked, the moon had turned to gold

Huh...You know...When he wasn't wearing that shit eating grin of his, he was actually...pretty handsome. 

I mentally slapped myself for thinking that. What the hell? This guy is a monster in every since of the word. A demon. I'm not suppose to find him handsome at all. 

And yet...The way he looked now, the way he held me. He's being so gentle, for a monster...Maybe, that was too harsh. Not a monster, but no saint either. I suppose, he could have killed me at anytime, and he's kept me alive this long.

He's even allowing this much. For someone who hates touch, he's being awfully touchy now. 

Is this because we tolerate each other now? But even tolerance shouldn't have gone this far. So what is it?

"What's on your mind?" Alastor's voice snapped me out of thought. "Huh? Oh uh...just thinking..." 

"About?" He presses. "Are you always this comfortable around women?" I ask. Alastor had always had a softer side for women, more than anyone else. He was more forgiving. "Depends. I don't go dancing with just any women, if that's what you mean. Rosie is a good dance partner, Mimzy as well." 

"I mostly mean touching." I clarify. "Ah, I see. Not really, no. I'm sure you've noticed my feelings about being touched." He tells me. "Then...Why are you letting me?" I ask. "Simple, my dear..." Alastor starts. 

Blue moon Now, I'm no longer alone Without a dream in my heart Without a love of my own

He dips me, my hold on him tightens instinctively. Without breaking eye contact, he answers. 

"I allow it, because I trust you enough not to try anything." 

Trust? He trusts me? He brings me back up to a stand, I stare up at him for a moment. A small smile finds it way onto my face. "Thank you. I feel the same about you, Alastor."

It was true. All this time, he could have killed me, but he could have hurt me just as easily. And he hasn't. He won't.  And for once...I am certain of that. 

Alastor smiled softly at my words. "My, I better not break that trust then." I squeeze his hand gently. "Damn right, you better not." He chuckles. "As much as I'd like to continue with this, I have a broadcast to wrap up." I nod, though, I felt a little sad. Which was surprising.

Who knew I'd be upset about having to stop dancing with a demon? He held onto me a second longer before finally parting. 

"Until next time." He says, as he walks to the mic. My smile grows. 'Until next time.' I confirm in my head. 

I hum the same song from before as I make my way back to my room. My mind was still running wild, the dance me and Alastor shared had my hear fluttering. I knew I looked dumb, smiling like I was, but I just couldn't help it. 

"Y/n?" 

I heard Angel's voice from behind me, I stopped humming and turned to face him, still smiling. "Yeah?" I ask. "You seem awfully happy." He says, walking towards me. "What happened?" He asks. "Uh...Well me and Alastor-"

"He let ya hit it!?" 

"No!" 

"Augh! Why not!? Ya'll taking forever!" Angel groaned. "Like I was saying." I say with crossed arms. "Me and him danced. It was really nice."

Angel raised an eyebrow. "Ok. So, ya'll are just doing the world's longest foreplay then?" 

"Angel." I say with a warning tone. "Shit Y/n, I'm just saying." Angel shrugs. "Angel, you just had to be there. He was so gentle and...I really felt like we got closer." I say with a smile.

Angel smirks. "You like him~" He sang. My face heated up. "I do not! I mean, yeah, I like him...But I don't like him, you know!?"

"Girl, you're smittin'." 

"Angeeeel..." I groan. "Come on, I know love when I see it. And you are falling hard." Angel tells me. I couldn't be. That was just a dance between two...friends, I guess is what we are now. It meant nothing. But, it felt so wonderful...

"Come on, let's go to my room and talk." Angel says as he walks ahead. I follow after him, silently hoping what I thought was happening, was not happening...

[emblazons]

a post in defense of (a very much alive) S5 Jonathan Byers

under the cut b/c this is more frustrated commentary than strict analysis, and you shouldn't have to read if you don't want to.

I feel like it must have come from the dry spell between seasons, but I have to say it: all of this “Jonathan is gonna die and that means Stancy could happen” stuff lately is not only giving "I just like angst for its own sake," it's lowkey nonsense if you look at it thematically (in context of the Jon/Nancy/Steve madness yes, but especially in context of the Byers family).

—like? Friends.

Given the Duffer’s track record of refusing to fully kill off major characters even when it could have made sense to (cc: Hopper and Max), I don’t think anyone is actually meeting their end, but let’s be SO serious about who is actually likely to get axed: the boy with a mom, brother, step-sister and girlfriend who have been central to every single moment in this show…or the one they've put into a triangle we all thought was over until S4, who they’ve honestly written into a corner, & whose primary drive in four entire seasons was getting a girlfriend and protecting a bunch of teenagers?

I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's just talk Jonathan.

The Duffers (Matt especially) have openly gotten upset at even the notion of Mike dying because "that's depressing" AND "that's Nancy's brother" (showing the familial ties are a HUGE part of what would keep them from ending someone), in addition to them saying they've thought through every imaginable scenario" on who might die—

—and you think its Jonathan whose meeting his end? King of championing "not liking what you don't have to" and the outcasts in all areas from music taste to being queer...after all the Byers have been through and knowing The Duffers write toward championing the outcasts and those who embrace their differences?

That, combined with the fact that the only "evidence" I've ever seen for him potentially dying has been that speech he gave to Will in the SBP somehow being connected to (you guessed it) setting up angst for Will...I'm gonna take a hard and wild educated guess based on the entirety of the rest of the show and say that was literally written so Will could catch a goddamn break, not as a death tag.

The fact that Noah confirmed it wasn't in the Duffer's OG script, was written day of filming + was done because "it was important for people to see will wasn't alone" is evidence enough for that.

Even so, the fact that there are still at least 4 unresolved plots Jonathan is part and privy to makes his death even less likely, because it wouldn't make sense for resolving anything for him to die at all, never mind in the episodes before our supposed timeskip.

Jonathan's messy relationship with Nancy, the fact that he's the only one who actually knows Will is gay, and the fact that he's the only other character who saw & understood the ULTIMATE Chekhov's gun in the form of that painting (on top of also having a longstanding relationship with Mike )should make it clear he isn't going anywhere from a narrative perspective...and I'm not even sure where the idea that he would die popped up, other than fandom warping the canon and projecting onto the plot.

The Duffers have always been clear about not doing things solely for the sake of surprise + not liking things that don't make narrative sense...and Jonathan's death would be both of those things, done solely for shock value.

I just. Be so serious right now. if you want to imagine the weight of Jonathan dying SOLELY for fandom angst DO THAT...but don't pretend like his death in the show wouldn't be the most poorly foreshadowed thing in this entire show, on top of not matching a single theme of the ongoing Stranger Things narrative. ☠️

Put some respect on his name lmao

Bonus: If you really want to talk about character's dying (and not just jump into angst for its own sake): they haven’t given Steve a proper love interest EVER outside of Nancy, made Dustin cry over Eddie instead of staying close to Steve S4, and haven’t ONCE referenced that boy’s family properly more than a few times in passing (and only by Steve himself).

He is the only character who craves normalcy despite this show being about championing the outcast, was supposed to die seasons ago but stayed because Joe Keery was so beloved, and has now been written into a corner where every single person who is central to him (esp Dustin and Robin) either have a new love interest or are worried about something else more than him, which...if you want canonical evidence for a possible death, you're looking in the wrong corner of this love triangle.

[julieverne]

Maura can always tell when Jane has been to therapy. She's a little softer, a little sweeter. Sometimes she comes in and just hugs Maura to her like she'll never let her go, and sometimes she'll watch Maura with scared eyes, as if she's worried Maura will indeed go.

"You're my best friend," Jane says one night, down at The Dirty Robber. Maura nods but doesn't look up from her kale and lavender salad. For a moment it feels like Jane might elaborate, but she falls back into silence, taking big bites out of her burger.

Maura takes Jane home; she's a little messy, a little raw and tarnished from their last case.

"He says I love you," Jane says, and Maura tucks Jane in under the covers, gun safety locked away.

"Who 'he'?" Maura asked, glad she caught a cab because she's obviously impaired too. Once Jane is tucked in, she pulls out a pair of Jane's trackpants and unselfconsiously changes into them under Jane's watchful gaze.

"Richard," Jane says.

"I didn't know you were seeing someone," Maura says mildly, pulling off her shirt and bra, replacing them with a soft cotton undershirt of Jane's. Jane usually tells Mara everything about anyone she dates, and to be excluded hurts.

"You did, I told you, he's the same therapist I've seen since Hoyt."

"I don't think your therapist should be telling you they love you," Maura says, tilting her head. She shakes it a moment later and untucks the sheets and slides in next to Jane. She's assessed her inebriation and the risks of getting home alone at this time of night. In her field, she knows the risks too well, and Jane has never minded. Jane sometimes insists, but tonight she's watching with soft, wide eyes.

"Not 'I love you," from him. He says he thinks that I love you." Jane looks frustrated at having to explain, but it was her own fault for not being clearer.

"You know I love you. You said earlier that I'm your best friend. You know you're mine too, don't you?"

"Not just... aw forget it," Jane huffs and rolls over, away from Maura. "He said that I should tell you I'm sorry I made you watch me shoot myself, and throw myself off a bridge. He says I should tell you I'm sorry I didn't tell you not to come to the prison infirmity, or the narrows."

"I make my own choices, Jane," Maura says, and she knows she sounds frustrated too. Jane is always trying to baby her. "I went with you because I'd rather be with you when something happens than to have you all alone. I know the risks. You know I assess each situation I encounter. And I deem the risk too high for you to go alone."

"I never want to put you in danger," Jane said softly.

"The only way you'll do that is by not putting yourself in danger. And you won't do that, so it appears we're at an impasse."

"I guess that's why I love you," Jane says softly. "If I... if I said..." Jane sounds scared, and Maura turns to her in the darkness. "If I said my type has changed over the years, would you be mad?"

"What's your type now?"

"Someone strong and smart. Someone who can talk me down from really bad ideas, but when she can't, she comes along to make sure... someone who has been there for me since the day she bumped out my nose on a crime scene. Someone who thinks a kale and lavender salad is a good dinner. Someone who understands and loves my family - someone who loves and understands me."

"I've noted your use of pronouns," Maura says hesitantly, heart thumping. "She sounds familiar."

"I know I'm not your type, and I know you don't love me the way I love you, but maybe you should know. When I think about who's going to be in my life in five, ten years, it's you. It's always you. I can't talk to anyone else the way I do with you, and whenever something happens you're always the first person I want to tell."

"You've been very clear that you find men attractive," Maura says sharply, and Jane breathes in, equally sharply.

"Maybe not exclusively men," Jane says in a rush, like it's the first time she's saying it out loud. "Maybe men... and you. But mostly you. I don't know what it is, why we're so close, why it doesn't scare me how close we are. With men I run the moment they want a house key, but you've had mine for years and I've never had a moment of doubt that you deserve it."

"You've been drinking," Maura points out stiffly, and Jane chuckles.

"Then I'll just have to tell you again tomorrow," Jane says, and she rolls over and takes Maura in her arms. "And every day after that for the rest of my life. I love you, Maura."

Maura has been held before, she's been told someone loves her before, but this feels familiar and safe and right. She'd been carrying around a burden of guilt for loving a woman who would never love her back, and it has been suddenly lifted, leaving Maura free to pull Jane's arms tighter around her.

"I hope so," Maura says, staring into the darkness.

[thequimmqueen]

It's weird how you are the exception to each and every one of my principles.

My principles. One of the most important pillars of my career.

You.. you just have to be above them! Do you, Mr. 70s Star?

I had always known you to be a wild card, but this takes the prize. Finding you in this place, which I represent..

I could have expected so, these franchise is always hiring, but to actually find you here had me so stunned I couldn't even talk.

...and neither did you.

Naturally, I would have interrogated you, cornered you and ask you a million questions. Rightfully mad too.

But like I said, you are often an exception to my principles, and I had to let it slide.

Not only did I not want to let out my anger on you in a public space for all to see, I am better than that, but work gave me no more time to investigate further.

But god knows how much of a mess my mind became for the rest of the day.

...

I'd go back every time I could, sometimes at an odd timing. But work has taken me to interesting places.

This place was relatively new, of course I would go supervise the management.. but you were there.

The last thing I needed, at this point in my life, was to find you.

You, who i held close to heart. You, who betrayed said heart Trust. Your presence alone made my mind not work coherently.

...

It was certainly difficult for me not to look at you for longer than I should've, as I came to order each day.

You had defenitely changed in appearence. New hair, accesories, fashion sense.. however, I could see some things remained the same.

Despite you wearing the mandatory uniform, you personalized your look. You wore your iconic orange shirt and jeans. And those golden Aviators I recognized the very first time I walked in.

Those golden, flashy.. tacky.. aviators..

You've never had shame of your taste. I'll give you that.

But well, I guess it also means you are confident on you passions. And I respected that.

...

In retrospective, you were the only one I ever.. let in so many aspects of my life. Even those more unknown facets.

The embarassing ones, like how I am after hours.

Silly things.. silly things like the names of my cats, and my favorite shows to watch. Stupid things i wouldn't want anyone to see.

I'm just. I'm upset I opened up so much to you, and began lik- Respecting. Respecting you, in a whole new way...

Only for you to drop everything.

Drop the lawfirm, drop the career you had built for many years. Drop this whole.. thing, we were doing.

Was being a lawyer not good enough?

Was Tacodale not good enough?

Was I- No.

Was our association, not good enough to you?

Even when it was completely unnecessary, I gave a lot of me to you. A lot of my time, even more of my patience..

But admittedly, you also had my trust.

And I'm sure you know, but that's not something I give to people, as wholeheartedly, as I did to you. Sure I may give orders and work with others, but I struggled to be as clos.. permissive. Permissive as I let myself be to you.

But even then, I know the people around me can do a decent job. And surprisingly, you do decently at making pies.

...

I'm frustrated. What is it that you're thinking? What was it you were thinking to get a job in a bakery? Was this what you wanted?

I don't get it. I don't get what -or better- why any of this is happening.

I can't even understand why i'm angry anymore.

Angry because you left me to do double the work.. or because you left me, alone in the dark.

No contact, and no warning.

You are so selfish. But i'm no better.

I'm no better.

....

It's of no use to be this upset anymore. Not over something of so long ago.

You've made a new life for yourself, and you seem a lot less stressed than you would be after hours back then.

I guess i've got a thing or two going for me in the lawfirm. So that's good, right?

I confirmed that you aren't dead or anything, so that's another check off the list.

Yeah. Let me end this childish feud right now. I'll come back to this establishment, since I have to do quality checks some days this month, and it will be normal.

Not awkward at all.

Simple enough, right?

...yeah, I will come back.

I like the red velvet here.

...

I have to say, you've made the place cozy. Those white walls from before were kinda "meh"

And the Jukebox.. lord, the craftmanship.. did you buy it with your own money?

That's impressive. Really impressive.

It feels almost as if you're giving this place a little part of yourself.

And it feels.. warm, and welcoming.

...

You are doing.. a decent job, admittedly.

Your management on both money and advertisement of the place is quite efficient. and I don't think I want to buy Cherry Fudge pies from anywhere else but here now.

I don't know what it is you do when you bake. but your cooking is so good.

But of course, I will never tell you.

Oh no no no, if i had to tell you i'd die. I'd literally die.

But it's so.. nice. And even more with my favorite coffee with it.

I guess you had some hidden talents, huh?

Well, do let me stay to see if you got more tricks up your sleeve.

It's only for work, of course.. only work..

...

I guess i've come to be fine with you more recently... and that's a relief.

It was exhausting to be so distant all the time, when honestly, I just wanted to know how you were doing.

But.. but even if I do small talk, I sense you often behave anxiously, and I notice when you try to avoid upsetting me.

You don't look at me right in the eye, you hide your hands or move them less. It's easy to tell, despite the period of time I had not seen you.

I guess you remain the same inside too.. which is a relief..?

But.. I'm not.. I'm not angry with you anymore, you know?

Perhaps i'm being too cold..?

...Please, don't be afraid to talk to me. I don't hate you. I really don't.

I.. like respect you. Actually.

...

If you're too hesitant to break my walls like you used to, I can be the one to finally break yours.

It's only fair, right?

...

Did I smile?

Oh hey! I smiled. Haven't done that in a long time huh..

I guess with all the stuff I need to do i don't often indulge myself. It's just so difficult to hold everything together and in order..

The balance of work and leisure..

...is your face red?

...

Crap crap crap

5 minutes left. I'm not gonna make it.

The mall, the mall, It's gonna close.

Oh thank god the lights are still on.

I just really need a pie. From here.

Or maybe it's something else? Oh great, It's open!

I don't know why i feel like apologizing. It's not like this was a scheduled meeting..? And they can still attend me despite minutes away of closing,no..?

Ah. There you are.

Hi Timm.

....

"It's getting cold outside", so says the song.

I'm enjoying your company even more, I think to myself. Going out after work again seems to be a good idea after all.

You hold my hand, I think you were about to fall from some ice in the floor?

I don't mind much, I wonder if it's the same for you..?

I hope we can have times to do this again, and maybe a few times after that. I don't know why, I just really like having you around.

It's so.. nice.

..I really did miss you, huh?

-Thoughts of an Unsuspectingly Smitten Quinn.

[sw4tch]

oh also i finally told a close friend of mine that the boss at my office once tried to kiss me against my consent and their lukewarm reaction was just like "oh man that fucking sucks :( the worst part is that you can never speak up about those things" and that was pretty much it. Can it even be considered lukewarm? Wasn't it the normal reaction?

I guess... I guess I wanted someone to ask me if I was okay after that. It was actually something very scary for me at the time. I had never told someone about the incident before and i was hoping to be comforted.

If anything, i guess I'm glad I've never talked to anyone about my lengthy story of abuse because if the most minor incident in that long list only gives me a "that sucks" i just. Well. Might as well take it to the grave with me.

Again, and relating to the last post, this interaction with my friend is also colored with my BPD glasses so I'm not sure if I'm the one making it up to be as Dismissive as i felt it. But i paid close attention and i know that they never asked how i felt about it, or if i was okay. Because i was explicitly hoping to be comforted.

But then we moved on. And we didn't speak about it again.

No one likes to talk about these things, I understand. No one reads minds either. So i don't think i should feel mad at my friend over this. Once again, my feelings are just the BPD talking, so i should just let this thing pass.

But i would be a dirty liar if this didn't affect my other internal belief of "no one wants to hear about your abuse, because it is uncomfortable and inconvenient and makes you tainted and Gross"

It is the truth for everyone i suppose, especially since what was i expecting my friend to do????? Linger on it???? Offer solutions????? Sit me down and ask me how that had made me feel????

They could do nothing, so why would they not just try to move on?

Sigh.

This is only venting my frustrations, i know, i know. I am also probably directing my anger at my friend instead of you know, the scumbag boss that caused the incident in the first place.

But i guess that when I'm someone that finds it hard to open up about anything, and when i do it feels like nothing good came of it, it's hard not to take it personal.

But BPD makes it all feel personal!!!! And i hate it!!!!!!!! I am not living in the real world!!!!!!!! I'm living in some kind of fucked up fantasy world where i am invisible and unloved!!!! God!!!!!

All in all, i needed to get this out of my chest for my own peace of mind. Reading this, i have rationalized my reaction. I have explained to myself what i felt and why i felt it that way.

Now i can be normal about this. I can be normal about this.

[sheepstiel]

Hey, so this is a thing related to the people yelling at you for how you choose to label your relationship. If you are FUCKING DONE with that shit, carry on. :) For the record I am not mad, I just get that sometimes you wish a topic would die. Which is why I felt compelled to say something to you, but chose to do it on an ask instead of reblogging and waking up a post you might want to quiet down.

I am a bi woman in a relationship with a man and I absolutely would call it a “straight relationship” if hard pressed to label it. I don’t think you did anything wrong and the person yelling at you really needs to find something else to yell about.

I truly do believe in the power and agency of language, but I guess I would just so much rather be concerned with whether or not you are happy in a relationship than if who ever you are talking about it with got everyone’s labels absolutely 100% correct. A label is just that— something to call a thing by. It doesn’t tell the whole story, and it doesn’t necessarily need to. I’ve also never said to anyone “hey I’m in a straight/gay/queer relationship” because people just don’t talk like that?? Idk maybe I’m just An Old.

I’m sorry people had to die on that hill and decided that you were a good outlet for their frustrations.

Hi! As much as I want that post to die it seems you still had some thoughts about it so I don't wanna leave you hanging :)

Honestly I just threw out the thoughts I had at the time and it blew up. I never thought how I would label my relationship before that because I didn't feel a need to do that. People kept berating me in the notes for calling it straight and it annoyed me so much I felt the need to clarify what I meant and why labeling the relationship itself didn't matter to me.

In the end, there is no use in arguing about personal labels. I would never pressure anyone into using a certain label and I understand the significance it has for each individual.

This really just made me think about why I wrote the post this way. I never really talk about this stuff irl and much less in English so ig I just threw out what I wanted to say in the first words that came to mind.

What I meant initially was that bi people regardless of relationship status or label are still bi. However I did label my relationship as a straight relationship with that post and people understood what I wanted to say and identified with it. So I actually stand by my point . Bi people in straight relationships are still bi. If you don't think this label fits you, that's fine too.

While I understand like you said "the power and agency of language" and try to listen and adjust my language where I can to be inclusive, I also think it's important I'm still true to myself where I am concerned. (On second thought I do acknowledge "straight" as opposed to bent or queer can have negative connotations so maybe I should just use hetero as in "not the same, different"? Idk.) Anyways, this was a bi person talking about a bi issue. We face enough exclusion from all sides as it is, I didn't think how we label our relationships would be this big of a focus in a post where I was talking about my thoughts on the Kit Connor allegedly queerbaiting situation.

Thanks for your thoughts on this, I appreciate your input.

[symptoms-syndrome]

More talking abt the whole kidnapping thing. Don't be a dick. Sort of a traumadump so heavy TW again. Heavier than the last.

The thing is like, it's really only by strict definition kidnapping. And not really in the classic sense, or maybe I'm just only thinking of Hollywood and comparing to that.

I'm not gonna give a play by play, but the TLDR is that when I was homeless, my at the time partner said I should sneak into her parents basement, and then she just. Didn't let me leave. It was really scary of course, but I feel like it should be more dramatic or something in order to call it kidnapping, even though that's what I've been told it was. I mean there was the obvious like. I don't know, what anyone would do to a hottie they keep in their basement.

Anyway when her parents found me down there I was frankly disgusting because, you know, it's a basement and I'd been living there for a few days, and her parents were these richie rich yuppie types so I got kicked the fuck out and police gave ME a warning for trespassing and said I wasn't allowed back there, which is insane. And I was like "hey I'm homeless and a teenager" in some sort of effort to maybe get help for a shelter or something, but of course they were like "ok? Fuck off." Because who gives a shit honestly.

The craziest thing is I didn't even break up with the girl until later. I mean it's not that crazy, I was homeless and she had money and shit. But you'd think locking you in her basement for days would be enough to break up with someone. But apparently not. She even ended up getting me kicked out of like two or three places after that, because she just would not leave me alone and was a little nympho, and her parents were weird control freaks about their "only son." I only "escaped" her when I left the state. I'm just like, ugh you know? Why did I make such stupid decisions? But also what else was I supposed to do. If I was more compassionate I'd say some bullshit about how I was doing the best I could or whatever, but that's dumb. I was just afraid. Scared out of my mind. It's a good thing I'm not afraid of shit anymore. I won't be ruled by fear again. That's the worst emotion to be controlled by, I think, because it doesn't serve any good purpose to me. If I'm in danger, I fight or run or whatever, and either I get out and I'm fine or I'm not and fear doesn't do shit to protect me from whatever bad thing, it just makes it worse. And I've been in danger since then absolutely, but I don't think I felt fear like I did in that basement. Which again, is stupid as fuck because the times I felt most afraid were the times I was alone and there wasn't anything to be scared about because there wasn't jack shit I could do except wait around for the next bad thing.

It's also incredibly, I don't know, frustrating is an overused word, but I hate the way my girlfriend at that time was so...I don't know. Un-scary. She was some dweeby skinny computer nerd who tried to be all cutesy and shit all the time. I probably could've overpowered her in a normal situation. I guess I'm mad at myself for letting myself be victimized by someone like that, and I'm mad because if anyone met her they wouldn't think she could do shit to me. I was the strong one, I could lift her easily. I was the hardier one too, real butch. She was even like half a year younger than me. So how come she was the one with all the power over me? Why couldn't I just fight her? I could've kicked her ass if I wasn't so fucking afraid.

She's probably real successful now, she was real talented at the computer shit and obviously had powerful connections and shit. She was really on her way up, IDK why she even decided to keep fucking around with me. Last I heard she was fucking someone way too young for her, which I found out bc the kid (a mutual? Acquaintance, real complicated) messaged me a year-ish ago to tell me I was right about her and she's awful and how he should've listened to me. I was real gentle with him about it, and we haven't talked since. I hope he's doing alright, though I know he probably isn't. He and I were fucked in the head to begin with, even before her.

-jesse again

[timeoverload]

I had a frustrating day. It was busy but I didn't get too overwhelmed about that. We had a team meeting this afternoon and that's when I started getting annoyed. We have to make more changes again. They are creating more work for us. It isn't all bad and I think some of the changes are good for the patients but it is going to make our jobs a lot more tedious.

I mostly got mad because they are making me wear full PPE while washing eye pans now. I understand the importance off PPE and I already wear gloves, a mask, and eye protection but I think this is unnecessary. I think it is too much and I rarely get dirty. I am very careful. Even if I had been wearing full PPE a few weeks ago, that wouldn't have prevented me from getting splashed because I don't have anything to cover my ears with. I have to start wearing those stupid plastic gowns like I used to wear for my 2 hour decontam shifts every day. We used to have nice ones but the ones they buy now are cheap and they get very hot. I also need to wear a full face shield but I hate wearing those. The ones we have aren't very good and I can't see very well through them. They fog up so I can't see shit. It is going to be a pain to put that stuff on 30+ times a day.

I also got a little irritated about how the director was telling us that he is leaving for Italy tomorrow and he will be gone for 2 weeks. I just don't understand why he gets to take so many vacations because I know he doesn't have that much PTO. I have been there way longer than him and I don't have enough PTO to take that much time off. He just went to Jamaica less than 2 months ago and was gone for 2 weeks. He took another trip not long before that but I can't remember where he went. It doesn't matter though. I'm not envious of him and I'm glad he gets to do things that he wants to do. I just don't think it's fair that the people working in higher positions can take off whenever they want while everyone else has to follow the rules. They can call in to work without consequences too. I suppose it makes sense that he gets to do whatever he wants because he's best friends with the eye doctor that owns the place. They play pickle ball on the weekends together. I used to enjoy working with the director and I thought he was nice, but I am starting to change my mind about him. I know better than to trust management, but it still sucks. He is developing a huge ego. He hasn't been very helpful to me lately either and I feel like he has been cold when I try to ask him for things. I don't want to go to him for anything anymore. My boss has been kind of cold to me too. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong but I am just going to stay away from them if possible.

After the meeting, I spent the rest of the day thinking about how much I want to quit. I wish I could put my 2 weeks in tomorrow because I'm so sick of getting fucked over. It took every bit of my strength to not do things aggressively. I caught myself slamming stuff around a little bit and I made myself stop. I didn't want anyone to say anything about it or make anybody uncomfortable. I didn't want to project my mood on anyone. I was quiet about how I was feeling for the most part but everyone already knew I was upset.

I also got my letter in the mail telling me about my raise. I was right about how much it was going to be. Apparently that's a 3.5% increase. I don't think it's going to make a huge difference for me but I guess it's nice that I got one at all. I am upset because I found out how much my co-worker makes. She only makes $2 less than me but she has only been there a year. She already got suspended once for attendance. She isn't certified either. I feel like I am unappreciated and they are using me. I hate that place so much for taking advantage of me all these years. It has ruined my life and I feel like they trapped me there. I don't have any other options right now. I want out so bad. I need to stop thinking about work because it is stressing me out.

I am glad I got home before it started storming. The power just went out but it was only for a minute. I really don't have much else to talk about. My hands and fingers hurt so it's hard to type anymore. I will probably make food soon and get ready for bed. I need to try to give myself a little more time to relax tonight I think. I hope I can make tomorrow a good day and I will do my best to be in a better mood.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow. Thanks for listening to me vent. :) 💖💖💖

[pixystixxxdraws]

so. hey. twitter immigrant here

I feel like I want to comment on this because I'm a twitter immigrant, about the stuff the staff posted? just like, my experience with tumblr from migrating to twitter. I am outing myself as a fifthy casual, since I haven't been an active active user in almost a decade, so.

I can kinda get what they're talking about with their intentions?

Jumping from a place as interconnected as somewhere like twitter to tumblr is very jarring. It feels like you have to rely on friends or finding the right tags. It feels very much like relearning the game and personally, while I understand it's very likely for people to get swept up in the numbers game, it's something that pushes me to do better, so going from that to dead quiet is a little...demoralizing?

This sounds crazy but I like making my art better and better to do better numbers, I like growing a following and honestly? I like having a bit of an algorithm because I can't always find the artists I like based off the artists' I follow's RTs. I've found some of my biggest inspirations on the for you page.

That's not to say I don't have my frustrations with twitter as well as love aspects about tumblr. For one, I will always praise tumblr about how much customization you have over things like having an in depth tagging system you can block/mute at your own will, all the niche communities you can explore (for example I'm a huge fan of oldwebcore), and especially being able to use HTML and CSS! it's insane how little control you have over your page on other websites.

As much as I said I don't mind the for you page on twitter, that's met with a huge asterisk. Your page is WAY too easily moved by clicking one post and then suddenly that's the only thing you see for a week, especially things like that spiral into a cycle of negativity. I usually have to look at at least 5-10 art posts to recalibrate my for you page.

And dear god, I NEED that tagging system on twitter. As someone who has, uh, several ships I'm not comfortable with, I have to mute accounts ad nauseum to not see content for that ship. If I click like on one image of one of the characters, it's impossible to distinguish "I want content of this character but not this ship"

Though I don't think Tumblr is perfect. There's a lot of confusion where certain things I can't find because I can't tell if it's delegated to my blog or my account. Like, apparently there is a mute an account feature? Someone tried directing me to it but I couldn't see some of the options. I'm sorry to that one person I still have blocked, it'd nothing personal :x

Was I going anywhere with this? not really, I think I just sympathize with the idea that tumblr is hard for newcomers to get used to because well. I'm a newcomer and I can say for sure it is tough!

Though I don't want to be unsympathetic to the people who use this site on the daily. While I said I kind of like a for you page to introduce me to new content I think the setup we have where it's not the default is fine, it just needs to be improved.

I don't think my word has more merit than the people who actively use and love this site, but I also think tumblr isn't wrong in trying to make the site more accessible for people new.

Anyways, I guess I just wanted to put my thoughts out there? feel free to disagree, I hope I didn't make anyone too mad.

[jellyloveru]

FUCK

[georgeweasleyslostearhq]

ITS OBVIOUS

Pairing: Eddie munson x reader

Summary: you had a crush on your oblivious best friend, but Dustin tells you its obvious you like him

Warnings: none

"Ok, ok fine! I'll tell you" I sighed in frustration.

Dustin had been pestering me to tell him who I liked for weeks now, ever since I blurted out the words 'no, i like someone else' ages ago he's made it his job to find out who it was.

"Who! Who! Tell me oh my god" he giggled

I didnt want to say it out loud, incase anyone heard, we were in the library so it wouldn't be hard for anyone to hear the loud Henderson's cheers.

I ripped a piece of paper from one of my books and wrote down the name:

Eddie

I slid the peice of paper towards the curly headed boy watching a smirk grow on his face

"I know" he said

"What?" I questioned him

"I've known for ages" he laughed

"How long!" I whisper shouted

"Since the beginning of the year" Dustin shrugged

"I didnt even know then!" I rubbed my forehead.

"Well you make it quite obvious" if the boy had glasses, he would've pushed them up, but he doesn't so he just scrunched his nose

"Obvious! Do I? Does he know? He cant know, oh god" I throw my head back and groan

"Calm down. It's not that bad, I would just tell him" he suggested

"Tell him, have you gone mad? That's the dumbest thing you've ever said" I glared at him

"He might like you too, it's not the worst idea in the world"

My mind wondered off to how in the hell this boy knows. And although he is a genius, if he was able to figure it out even before I did, was anybody else able to. Does anybody else know? Gareth? Mike? Lucas? Eddie?

"I'm never going to tell him, he cant know, so don't. tell. Him." I state, but seeing the boy smile. I start to regret telling him.

"I won't" I dont trust him.

"Promise?" I warned

"I promise" he placed his hand over his heart and smiled sweetly

I sighed in distress as the bell went

~~~

"Ok, just act normal" Dustin said as we walked into the cafeteria, already seeing all the boys at the table, conversing.

"Normal? Do you even know me Dusty? I'm literally the opposite of normal" I furrowed my eyebrows

"Well then just be yourself" he replied

Be yourself, I repeated in my head.

Be yourself

Be yourself

Be yourself

"Hello, Henderson. Y/n" Eddie greeted with a welcoming smile.

"Hi guys!" Dustin waved while I tightly smiled to them.

That's not being myself. Laugh, you laugh all the time, that's normal for you, laugh.

I awkwardly laughed out loud. Far out

"What's so funny?" Gareth asked

"Huh? Oh I dont know" I sat down in my spot, the left of Eddie. All the boys look confused but just go back to talking like always

"So, Y/n. How was your weekend?" Eddie asked me.

"It was ok, I guess" I shrugged and stuffed my face in with some fries

"Are you ok?" He questioned

"Just fine, thanks"

"Ok then" he just nodded with a disappointed look on his face. I felt a bit bad.

I hadn't acted like this before, i think it's just knowing that other than me, someone else definitely knows my secret, and knowing that the other might know scared me. But if he did know, why wouldn't he say anything. Not even to reject me?

"Hey!" I missed in pain as I felt Dustin kick my under the table

'Normal' he mouthed. 'Talk to him, dont ignore him'

I sighed.

"How's your weed?" I blurt out as I turn to the long haired boy.

"What?" He said confused

"Uh, the weeds. Outside your trailer, have you gotten them out yet?" I panicked

"There is no weeds? Are you sure you're ok. Do you need to go to the nurse's office?" He pushed his fringe away from his eyes.

"I'm ok" I looked down at my clammy hands

He nodded his head, not fully believing me, but dropping the subject.

~~~

"What the hell was that?, you call that being yourself?" Dustin practically laughed.

"I got nervous" I whined, putting my head in my hands.

"You've been hiding it for ages, just do what you've been doing" he suggested

"Its not that easy"

~~~

"Woah, he said that" Dustin stared wide eyed at me.

"Yeah"

Eddie and I had a fight yesterday, I said I couldn't go to the campaign due to some family shit and he told me he didn't want me and he would've preferred someone like Chrissy there instead.

Obviously that upset me, do I got up and walked out of the cafeteria. He followed after me, saying it was a joke and he didnt mean it but it still hurt. I wasn't as pretty as someone like Chrissy, so when he said he preferred her, my mind went straight to calling myself 'ugly'

"Why do you hate me?" I questioned Eddie

"What- I- I dont hate you" he stuttered

"Well it seems like you do" I crossed my arms in defense.

"I'm sorry" he apologised

"So tell me why you hate me" I cried out

"I don't" he defended

"Well you don't like me" I looked down and let out a big breath go

"Well I-"

"Make up your mind" I cut him off before walking away from him, showing him that I'm no longer interested in talking any more than that.

I turned a corner and let myself sink down against the wall. Shutting my eyes tightly and letting a hot tear roll down my cheek. a bit dramatic, I know.

"Y/n, I know it hurt you but I dont think he really meant it in a rude way, it was just a joke" Dustin reasoned

"Yeah well there was really no reason for that, all I did was say I couldn't go to the game tonight. I didn't say anything other than that" I shook my head.

"Just talk it out. I'm sure he doesn't really prefer Chrissy"

"Well I dont exactly want to talk to him right now" I responded

"Ok, well take your time" he patted my back for comfort

~~~

I walked out to my mailbox, my father had been too lazy to get up so he yelled out for me to do it for him.

I opened it to find a few letters. One marked for mum, another one for my dad, and another letter.

A letter with a the name Y/n written messily. It wasn't in an envelope, so if mustn'tve been important, or not formal, to say the least.

I walked inside the house and put the letters down on the coffee table, the letter addressed to me still in my grasp. I quickly walked in my room and shut the door. Jumping on my bed and unfolded the letter.

It was really messy, and a lot was scribbled out. but I could read some of it.

Y/n

I am sorry ------------------ i really want you to know i didnt mean what I said, I guess --------------- upset --------------------. You ------------ to me. I care --------- a lot. This whole fight was stupid, and I'm really sorry I had to say it in a letter and not in person. I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I didnt mean it and --------------------------- I'm sorry.

Even if I couldn't understand some of it, I understood where he was going.

So I decided to write one to him.

I spent over an hour deciding what to write and scribbling things out.

By the end of it, I had basically wrote him an essay. I didn't want to send it. But I felt like it had to be said.

~~~

"Hey" Eddie awkwardly greeted as he saw me outside the school. He was leaning on the brick wall like he was waiting for me, with a joint between his fingers.

"Hi" I said as I avoided eye contact. He took a hit from the joint and stepped onto it as he dropped it on the ground outside the front doors of the school.

"So, How are you" he stood tall, pressing up against me as a way to push past the people in the hallway

"I'm ok. You?" I looked around anxiously

"I'm fine. I got your letter, it meant a lot to me, it really did, and I want you to know I'm really sorry" he announced

"Thanks, that's means a lot" I smiled tightly, trying to put this all at ease

"Tell him" I see Dustin mouth in my direction

"No" I said out loud at him

"Sorry?" Eddie turned to me and raised an eyebrow

"Sorry, I just thought of something" I shook my head sheepishly and looked down at my moving feet

"That's ok, so um-" he started

"Look I should really go, I have some things I have to get to before class" I lied. I was trying to avoid him, I just knew I would blurt another thing out and embarrass myself even more.

"Oh- okay then, I'll speak to you later then- I guess" he whispered as I started backing away from him

~

I watched him as he talked. They way his jaw moved as he spoke. The way his nose flared as someone cut him off, the way he would play with his rings as he waited, or the way he slightly stuck his tongue out in concentration. I loved it when he did all those. It was like a show that I could watch all day and never get tired of.

But it was different when it was just for me.

He stood in front of me as I stared at him in awe, It was in between a class, but it was ok, cause I had a free period which I usually just spend in the library.

"Y/n, are you listening to me?" He snapped his fingers in front of my face

"Sorry? What did you say?" My body shook out of my body, nervous and a messy state as he probably caught me.

"I was asking if you wanted to maybe hang out later?" He asked politely, with a small smile on his face

"Well I dont really, you know I don't do drugs or smoke so-"

"No! No- that's, that's not what I meant, or implied I meant just hang out in general, like friends do" he explained

Like friends

"Like friends do...I'll think about it" I spoke softly and smiled

"Ok, well I'm free tonight, or the next, and the next, I'm free whenever basically, you know I'm not mister popular around here so" he chuckled. I laughed along.

"You're telling me, freak" some jock said as he walked passed

"He's a dickhead, you're not a freak" I beamed at him before I turned around and went to library.

~

"Jeez, Dusty, it's like you're everywhere" I breathed out a chuckle

"Have you told him yet" he asked

"No, Dusty, I haven't, and I never will, he doesn't like me so just forget it" I groaned as he sat next to me

"You dont know that, there's a chance he does" he smiled widely

"And there's a the more possible chance that he doesn't, now just stop, I regret telling you so much" I said, banging my head on the table over and over again

"Come on, I haven't told anyone! Stop worrying! We keep having this conversation and it's going to go nowhere unless you say something to him, when no body is around and it's just you two, tell him" he pleaded

"Dustin, I don't think you understand, I don't want him to know, and even if I told him it will go nowhere cause he doesn't like me" I stood up and gathered my things

"You dont know that! For all we know he could" he stood up as well

"COULD! he COULD! that's the problem, he doesn't like me, but he COULD! if he does, he should tell me but he's not so he doesn't. Thank you, Dustin, for trying to cheer me up but it's not helping and it's not working so just stop. He could never like someone like me when there's people out there like Chrissy!" I cry out, the librarian looks furious and the people around us looks annoyed, but Dustin just stares at me in a guilty manner. But I noticed his eyes weren't exactly set on me.

My eyes grew wide as I heard a painfully familiar voice

"Who doesnt like you?" They asked

"YOU" Dustin yelled out at him

Fuck.

---------------------------------------------------

There might be a part 2, if you want so just tell me.

This kinda based on something that happened with me a few days ago so. 🤣

@tommyriddleobsessed @bellevsoares

[darlincollins]

Hi, why don't you like the videos of David talking to Sam and Darling? I saw one of your posts about it but I didn't really get it?

OOF okay well... (as usual disclaimer this is just my opinion, no shade to anyone who liked these or saw them differently- i would actually be interested in hearing different perspectives on this tbh if anyone wants or feels comfortable sharing! also disclaimer that i don't dislike david i just have some frustrations about his handling of this situation) lastly, sorry this is super long i have many thoughts

1. david talking to sam: honestly i mostly liked this video except for the part where david starts talking about darlin's history with the pack- i understand he's trying to give sam more information and has maybe sussed out some of his connection to darlin' but... hmm it just didn't seem like necessary intel? darlin's struggles with integrating may be why they became close to quinn but it's not information that's going to help take quinn down, which theoretically was what david was intending sam to share with the clan. personally i would be kind of mad if someone told the person i liked that i don't connect with people easily and started spilling details about parts of my past i hadn't felt comfortable sharing with them myself yet. like i'm willing to overlook it because i understand what the intention was but to me some of that kind of seemed like stuff david shouldn't have felt okay about telling someone without darlin's okay first

2. yikes... okay i guess my first issue here is the assumption that darlin's relationship to the pack is comparable to david's? i made a post before about how when darlin' left david was in his pre-character development phase (i mean... i wouldn't want to be texting buddies with that guy) but that aside... david's character is centered around the fact that the pack is his family and he'd do anything for them. they HAVE been his family his entire life, and due to his position as gabe's son he's always been right in the middle of the pack- even when david pulled back after becoming alpha the pack was around him and acting as a support system. the pack culture is something he's always had and been a part of.

with all that in mind i'm not surprised he'd have difficulty comprehending that someone in the pack wouldn't understand that it's a family and supportive environment full of love, but for darlin' it probably isn't! NOT because of anything the pack did, but just because of how things have happened thus far. we don't know why darlin' joined the pack or what exactly their struggles in integrating were, but for someone extremely introverted, suddenly being surrounded by a big group of people all trying to be in your life is usually completely overwhelming, kind of terrifying, and almost suffocating! it wouldn't surprise me if darlin' withdrew and started that 'invincible tank' persona as a way to give themself some breathing room because they didn't know how to handle suddenly having the pack in their life. add to that the normal awkwardness and self-consciousness of being a teenager and the fact that darlin' was the new kid in a big, tightly knit family full of people who've known each other their whole lives and have all this history and these inside jokes and these set ways of thinking and interacting, and yeah i'm not surprised the relationship was difficult to keep going.

it's super frustrating to be unable to connect with people you know are making an effort to include you, and honestly kind of embarrassing to constantly feel like the odd one out, so again i'm not surprised darlin' withdrew, and from the pack's perspective if someone always seems uncomfortable when you try to talk to them, you probably will be more hesitant about reaching out when they seem almost happier being left alone! the pack couldn't help darlin' with quinn because they probably had no idea darlin' was struggling or what they could do. the pack probably really does care about darlin' but doesn't know how to be that support system for them, and darlin' probably didn't assume that support system was even there for them or otherwise didn't think they were allowed to use it.

so from darlin's perspective, why would the pack love them? why would they be considered family when all they've done is run away? they clearly feel an obligation to protect the pack but depending on exactly how tense the relationship is darlin' may not consider them family. i don't think darlin' is necessarily angry with the pack or harboring resentful feelings, but in their mind they probably haven't contributed anything to the pack that makes them worthy of any love or familial obligation.

ANYWAY all this to say, it's kind of frustrating to me when david pulls out this "you're family and we love you" speech when that's not true from where darlin's sitting.

also... i think darlin' is kind of right? quinn probably wouldn't risk going after a strong pack just to get them to back off (especially since darlin' may not have ever met angel before leaving? of course they would take the guilt from that if quinn attacked but it seems like a weird move for him to go after someone so far removed from darlin' themself. like not to say it wouldn't have happened but it seems like quinn really wants to avoid eyes on him and attacking the alpha's mate when they don't even know darlin' doesn't feel like the way to do that.

but if the pack starts looking into quinn... well now maybe he needs to teach david a lesson about sticking his nose in quinn's business. or asher. or sweetheart. etc. if war with the pack is inevitable at this point, why NOT attack and get the element of surprise on your side by hitting first? it just doesn't sit right with me that darlin' doesn't get to explain this from their side when out of everyone, they have the most experience with quinn and probably the most insight into his behavior! given darlin's authority issues i could see them not wanting to push it and jusf silently intending to go through with their original plan anyway, but it seems sort of wrong to me that darlin's "integration" back into pack life is basically everyone calling them thoughtless and impulsive and berating them for not using a support system they didn't know was available, then inviting them to some parties without anyone seeming to be interested in hearing their side of the story? like david said he wanted to "talk and to listen" but there wasn't much listening in that video!

like i would really be interested in seeing more tension and discomfort between darlin' and the pack, especially since we know darlin' doesn't trust people easily- i really don't think one speech from david would convince them that they can rely on the pack. at the least i definitely want to see more interactions between them so we can have more information on what exactly the relationship was and is developing into!

(on a more personal note i've been on the side of this conversation where someone i didn't know well started guilt tripping me with these wild off-base claims about how close we supposedly were and how i owed them my loyalty and this video kind of hit that note for me in a way that was super frustrating, so i recognize that my analysis here may not be totally unbiased!)

[helloalycia]

just a kid [two] // wanda maximoff

summary: you decide to get to the bottom of things, suspecting Wanda has something to do with your troubled memories.

warning/s: mentions of death and explicit/descriptive violence.

author's note: here’s the second and final part! bit of an angsty one oof

part one | masterlist | wattpad

In all of the time Wanda and I spent together, we'd never lied to one another. We always told each other everything, even if we thought it would make the others person upset. So, I couldn't for the life of me understand what she was doing behind my back now.

After a while of trying to collect my thoughts and reigning in my agitation, I returned to Doctor Maya's office to see she was alone. When I entered without knocking, she looked up with surprise, but now that I knew that she was hiding something, I saw a hint of guilt.

"Y/N, what can I do for you?" she asked without so much as a shake in her voice. She'd practiced well. "Did we have an appointment?"

I closed the door behind me, stepping forward but not quite committing to taking a seat.

"I still feel nauseous," I said with stern eyes. "I still get nightmares. My thoughts don't feel like my own. My head hurts every time I try to remember my accident."

"Y/N, I've told you, it'll take time to–"

"Stop! Stop lying!" I exclaimed, gripping the back of the chair tightly. "I heard you and Wanda talking earlier. I know you're hiding something. Something to do with Wanda. So, tell me. What is it?"

Other than jumping at my sudden outburst, she showed no expression on her face, nor acknowledgement to my words. I tried a different approach, shoulders sagging with defeat and expression softening.

With a normal volume, I pleaded, "Please. I have a right to know if it concerns me."

Still, she said nothing. Only avoided my eyes and played with her fingers nervously on her desk. I clenched my jaw, trying not to snap.

"Fine," I gave in. "Can you at least tell me if Wanda was there when my accident happened?"

Finally, she spoke, nodding. "Obviously she was. She was the one who got you to the quinjet after you were knocked unconscious."

I chewed the inside of my mouth, trying to piece together the incident. Things still didn't make sense...

"The agent that I was trying to help," I said, remembering that was the reason I was out in the field in the first place, "what happened to them? Where are they now?"

She straightened up in her seat. "As I told you before, he made it out okay. But I cannot tell you where he is."

"And why not?"

"It's not relevant."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Well, now I know you're hiding something."

She pressed her lips together, unsure whether to respond or not. After opening and closing her mouth like a fish in water, she opted to stay silent.

"I guess I'll keep taking my medication like a good girl," I said with sarcastic smile. "Thanks for nothing, doc."

With an eye roll, I left the room and decided to take matters into my own hands. If neither her nor Wanda would tell me the truth, I'd make a start to finding out myself.

First thing's first – Wanda had some sort of connection to this whole thing, excluding the fact that she was hiding it. I recalled hearing her say something about 'working out the kinks'... what was she trying to work out?

I knew she had powers and was capable of many things; was it linked to that? I was having trouble remembering and the only two people who seemed to know were my doctor and Wanda, the girl who had the abilities to manipulate thoughts to her own will. But she wouldn't, would she? That was an invasion of privacy, morally wrong. She was a good person. The only time she'd done that was when she was trying to defeat the Avengers, but she wasn't that person anymore... she wouldn't do that to me, right?

It was getting late and I still had so many pieces of the puzzle to put together. All I had were theories and nothing to back them up. So, as I headed to Wanda's room with tired eyes and a curious brain, I tried to push it away for the evening and focus on getting some sleep, if any.

Wanda was tying her hair up in the mirror, already dressed for bed, when I stepped in. Her eyes caught mine in the mirror and she spun around, expression softening.

"Hey," she said gently, probably taking caution after how our last interaction went. "D'you have a nice walk?"

I pursed my lips, studying her carefully. How could she act like this? So concerned for my well-being as she watched me suffer, when she knew something that might help me?

"Yeah, I guess," I spoke, before taking my shoes off and going to the ensuite to get changed.

It was quiet as I got ready for bed and brushed my teeth. Wanda, thankfully, didn't push me to speak, but I was still confused. I wanted her to tell me what she knew, but she was playing it safe. Maybe I could test the waters a little...?

As I clambered into bed beside her, I saw she was sat up and reading a book in the light of her bedside lamp. I began to take my watch off and glanced at her subtly, deciding to say something.

"I think something is wrong," I said, earning her attention. "I think I might be remembering my accident incorrectly."

She lowered her book, giving me her full attention. But unlike before, I now saw the doubt swimming in her eyes.

"What? Why do you think that?" she asked with confusion.

I put my watch to the side and paused, deciding whether I was in the mood to get into it.

"How do you know it was a mine?" I asked her, quirking a brow.

She pulled a face, as if suggesting my question was silly. "I was there, Y/N. I saw it."

I wanted to believe her, I did.

"Did anyone else see it?" I asked, unable to stop myself.

Closing her book, she shook her head, distracting from the panic settling into her expression. "What's with all of the questions?"

I ignored her. "You can manipulate people's thoughts, can't you? Get into their head. Read their mind."

"Yes...," she answered, nodding with a puzzled frown. "So?"

I'd known Wanda long enough to know she was hiding something. I should have detected the signs sooner. The constant avoidance of my eyes, the fiddling thumbs, the way her accent grew a little stronger. I was right. She was keeping something from me.

"You've never got into my head before, right?" I asked curiously, wondering if she was reading my thoughts right now. Did she know I was on to her? Did she know I knew she was hiding something?

Resting a reassuring hand on mine, she shook her head. "I would never."

I glanced at her hand that squeezed mine, then to her dark green eyes swimming with certainty. Was she lying now? Or was she just getting better at it?

No, I still had my doubts. She must have done something to my thoughts. And I would never know unless she told me, which she clearly wasn't going to.

"You're mad at me," she realised, letting go of my hand.

I shook my head and looked away, frowning. "I'm not. I'm just tired."

Without another word, I got under the covers and turned my back to her. I wasn't sure what else to do. She was blatantly lying to my face when I thought I could trust her. How could she?

Sleep came to me quickly that night, thankfully not bombarded by painful dreams. But when I woke up and had a shower, I realised how angry I still was. Wanda was lying to me and I didn't understand why.

"I'm gonna go back to my flat," I told her out of the blue after drying my hair.

She walked out of the ensuite and leaned against the doorframe, seeming taken aback. "You're going back?"

I nodded, maintaining eye contact. "Yeah. I can't stay here."

Wanda frowned. "This is about last night."

She looked so hurt by my words that I almost took them back, but I didn't. She was a liar.

"Yeah, it is," I said, crossing my arms with certainty, a hostile expression taking over my face. "I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, Wanda, but you're lying to me."

She straightened up, eyebrows furrowing together. "What are you talking about?"

I squeezed my hands as I continued to cross my arms, hiding my frustration. "I know you're in my head."

She hesitated – a split second, but I saw it – and it was enough to confirm my thoughts.

"I would never do that," she said with a shake of her head, making me clench my fists.

"Stop lying to me, Wanda!" I shouted, finally bursting. "I know it's you! You're in there, I can feel you!"

"Y/N–"

"No!" I cut her off, tears brimming my eyes. "You're mixing my thoughts up and spitting out something that isn't real. You have to be! Because if you're not then– then– then I'm going insane."

I swallowed hard, wiping my eyes and looking away momentarily, trying to collect myself. Crying wasn't my intention, but God, the discomfort in the pit of my stomach and the constant restlessness I felt was eating me alive. I needed to know the truth and the one person I thought I could rely on wasn't helping me.

"I'm sorry," she said, and I looked at her to see she was watching me apologetically. "I don't want to. But I have to."

I licked my lips, partially fed up. I was hoping I was mistaken, that the most that would happen is I accused my girlfriend of something immoral. This was way worse. I was right.

"Why do you have to?" I questioned with burning eyes. "What happened that I can't know?"

She stepped forward, but I stepped back. Frowning, hurt, she ran a hand through her hair.

"I can't tell you," she said regretfully, making me groan loudly. "Look, it's not as easy as you think. This is for your own good, Y/N."

"No, no, it's not," I disagreed, before pointing an accusing finger her way. "You don't get to decide that for me! You have no right!"

Glassy green eyes met mine. "This is all to protect you. The truth hurts."

"Fuck yeah, it does," I said bitterly. "Discovering my girlfriend is mind-controlling me is never a nice thing to learn."

"Don't say that!" she snapped, clenching her fists. "It's not like that."

"It's exactly like that," I said lowly, scowling at her. "You're treating me like your enemy. You don't just get to prance around in my head because we're a couple. That's not how this works."

"That's not what I'm doing!" she shouted, eyes beginning to glow red with frustration.

"Then tell me what the hell is going on!" I said, not backing down.

She clenched her jaw, red eyes and anger dispersing as her expression softened. "I can't."

Through blurry vision, I glared her way. "Then fuck you, Wanda! I'll figure it out myself!"

I was sick of her feeling like she could control me, like I was some sort of helpless being who needed her protection. It was my head and I deserved to know what the fuck was in it!

In the two years we'd been together, we'd never argued this bad. And I'd never imagined it would be because she was manipulating me like she was.

With determination, I stormed down to the medical floor of the Tower and straight to Doctor Maya's office.

When she saw me, she looked up with surprise. "Y/N, what are you–"

"Cut the act, I know the truth," I interrupted her. "About Wanda mind-controlling me. How you were both in cahoots. I know it all."

She seemed shocked. "I– I don't know what to say."

"You can tell me where the agent I tried to help is," I got straight to the point.

"I'm not sure if I should–"

"One way or another, I'm going to find out," I deadpanned, not in the mood to be played. "Just tell me."

It didn't take much convincing, as I soon found myself on the way to a hospital at a nearby S.H.I.E.L.D. facility where the agent was recovering in. With my clearance, it wasn't difficult to get inside, and after explaining who I was, the agent – Agent Montgomery – was happy to have me visit him.

When I walked into his room, I saw he was sitting up in his bed, watching the TV hung on the wall ahead. When he saw me however, he muted it and smiled brightly at me. I noticed the bruises littering his body and though he was wearing a hospital gown, I suspected his injuries were bandaged beneath it.

"Doctor Y/L/N," he addressed me. "It's such a pleasure. I've been wanting to thank you ever since you helped me out a week ago."

I offered a small smile, stopping by his bedside. "There's no need. I was just–" I hesitated, feeling like an idiot as I couldn't even remember what I'd helped him with. "I was just doing my job."

He chuckled. "So modest. It's just nice to know you're doing okay. If it weren't for you swooping in on the scene, I'm sure I would've bled out. I wanted to thank you, but the doctors here told me that you were pretty shaken up after what happened and needed some time."

My eyes fell to the monitors beside his bed, avoiding his eyes. "Yeah... what exactly happened that day?"

He seemed surprised. "You don't remember? It wasn't... it wasn't good. I thought that's why you were taking the time for yourself."

I looked up, catching the way his smile faded into a frown and he looked down to his hands sadly.

"Can you refresh my memory?" I asked gently, unsure whether I was ready to hear the truth or not. But it was now or never.

"Well, from my perspective, I was laying on the ground, thinking I was gonna die from blood loss..."

This part of the city was desolate and destroyed, remnants of broken buildings as a result of the Avengers' fight surrounding me. When I was rushed into the field with my team, with plans of finding the handful of casualties to be extracted, I followed usual protocol.

It was supposed to be empty of enemy combatants. We were just supposed to be prepping the casualties for evacuation, as usual. This time was different though.

I came across Agent Montgomery's body by myself, separated from my team as they spread out amongst the rubble to find the rest of the bodies.  He was laying there, body unmoving as his hand was pressed to a point above his stomach.

Instinctively, I rushed over to him and began to unload my medical equipment on the ground beside him. I squinted in the hot sun – why was it so bright out? – as I tried to pull the agent's helmet off.

"Hey, I'm here to help," I told him reassuringly, giving him a smile that I hoped would put him at ease. "Can you hear me?"

"You helped me, patched me up," Agent Montgomery was explaining vividly, and I found myself hanging onto his every word.

For the first time in a week, my memories were making sense. They flowed as one rather than in mashed scenes of a broken film.

He nodded, to my relief, and let me move his hand to the side so I could see what I was working with. A bullet wound and from the looks of it, the bullet was still lodged in there.

I spent the next five minutes patching him up well enough so I could eventually take him back to the quinjet, whilst making conversation with him so he would feel better about everything. When I was done, I radioed my team to help collect him and planned to wait by his side until they arrived. But I heard someone calling for help and looked up with confusion, hand resting on my own pistol.

"There was this kid," he recalled, wincing at the mention of her, which made me wonder what went wrong. "I was a little out of it, I'm not gonna lie. But I could never forget it. Forget that poor girl."

The voice belonged to a little girl. It was as if she'd appeared out of nowhere. Her clothes were tattered and she was covered in dirt, like she'd climbed out from one of the collapsed buildings. I wouldn't have put it past her. People did live here after all. Or, at least, they did.

"Hey," I said quietly, letting go of my pistol. "Are you okay, love? Are you hurt?"

She frowned, lip quivering. "I don't know where my family is."

My heart sank at her words, watching the look of horror cross her expression. I couldn't imagine what she must have witnessed as the battles raged on earlier. She stepped closer to me, eyes blinking innocently, before finding the state of the agent on the floor.

"He'll be okay," I reassured her, earning her attention. "And so will you. I'll help you find your family, yeah?"

She nodded, wiping away fresh tears.

"She was just a kid," Agent Montgomery said, his own eyes glassy from pent up emotions. "She didn't deserve what happened."

I swallowed the lump in my throat. He didn't need to finish. I remembered it so vividly.

"Do you have a name?" I asked her, removing my medical gloves and throwing them to the side so I could give the girl all of my attention.

I outstretched my hand, offering it up. She rested hers in mine, making me smile.

"Selena," she mumbled.

"Well, Selena," I began, hopefully, "that's a pretty name. And I'm sure we can find your parents in no time."

We just had to wait until my team came and then I could try to look for her parents. It wouldn't be hard and I refused to accept they were dead, despite the likelihood of them being alive being quite low.

Selena nodded, her tiny hand squeezing mine, searching for comfort. I squeezed it back, kneeling before her and giving her a quick nod.

Before either of us could say anything more, the unexpected happened. It was as if there was a bomb set in the middle of that tiny girl's body because one second I was staring at her, and the next, she exploded all over, coating me in tiny, fleshy pieces.

My jaw dropped with disbelief, ears ringing from the explosion and heart dropping at the suddenness of it all. I risked looking down, only to see the girl's hand still intact and resting in mine. But where her body should have connected, there was nothing there.

I couldn't help but think how strange it all looked, like a prop from a film set, or a mannequin hand from a clothing shop. I dropped it without thinking, watching it bounce onto the blood-stained ground.

Smoke and blood infiltrated my nose. I looked down and my hands were shaking so much, covered in what looked like minced meat. Meat. Blood. Smoke.

My stomach curled, but I couldn't move. Eyes were permanently widened. Hands were still shaking. The girl's voice played in my ears amidst the ringing. One second she was there and the next she wasn't.

"It came out of nowhere," Agent Montgomery muttered. "Some weapon HYDRA were testing. Had the ability to make its target explode within seconds. She was just another victim of the senseless violence that day."

I swallowed hard, my stomach curling. So much nausea. So much aching. I pocketed my sweaty, shaking hands. Looked to Agent Montgomery.

"That avenger, the witch?" he continued, looking up to me. "She got us out of there. Killed the HYDRA agent. You must've passed out from shock. But she saved us both."

Wanda. She was there. She'd seen it all happen. She'd saved me.

She'd lied to me.

My mouth was dry like sandpaper. My head hurt. I felt sick. The memories were connecting as they flashed through my mind.

It came out of nowhere.

She was just a kid.

"Thanks for telling me," I managed to get out, already backing up. "Good luck with your recovery."

He may have responded, but I wouldn't know. I left the room, ears ringing like I was still there. I looked down, half expecting my clothes to be covered in flesh. Selena's flesh. That poor girl...

She was just a kid.

My vision blurred and I had to pause, hanging in the empty hallway of the medical wing. I raised my hand, covering my mouth as I struggled to breathe without shaking. But it was impossible.

It came out of nowhere.

I don't know where my family is.

"There you are."

I looked up, blinking away tears, making out Wanda standing before me. She seemed reluctant to come closer and for a moment, I wasn't sure what I was feeling.

"Doctor Maya told me where you were," she explained quietly.

Do you have a name?

"I don't have t-time for this," I got out, pushing myself away from the wall and moving forward, walking past her.

"Y/N, please wait," she pleaded, grabbing my arm, and I shook her off so quickly. The thought of being touched right now, when I was covered in–

I looked down. I was clean.

Selena.

"I shouldn't have controlled your mind," Wanda continued from behind me, sincerity in her words. "It wasn't right. It wasn't my place."

I turned around, breath catching in my throat. My ears were still ringing. Hands still sweaty. I pocketed them, though they shook so much my jacket was moving.

Well, Selena, that's a pretty name. And I'm sure we can find your parents in no time.

"She was just a kid," I said, expecting such ferocity in my words, but they barely came out above a whisper. "She wasn't supposed to be there."

Wanda swallowed hard, taking a small step forward. I didn't move back.

"It wasn't your fault."

"She just wanted her family." I clenched my jaw, squeezing my sweaty, shaky hands into fists. "She shouldn't have been there."

"Y/N..."

I squeezed my eyes shut, tears flowing out, before shouting, "You had no right! You– you– you had no fuckin' right!"

Wanda watched me with glossy eyes. "I know. You're right."

Just a kid.

The ringing stopped. I clutched my stomach, wishing the stabbing nausea would disappear. Now that my thoughts were whole again, I felt like I was experiencing the whole thing once more. It was catching up to me quicker than I could adjust to.

She opened her mouth to speak and I shook my head, signalling for her to stop. I couldn't take it. I was so angry and hurt and shocked and I– I–

"I hate you," I breathed out.

She frowned, eyes screaming with guilt. "Y/N..."

My jaw ached from the pressure I was putting on it. Marks were forming in my palm from how hard I was squeezing my fists. She had no right.

"It wasn't your fucking place," I repeated, moving forward and bundling her shirt in my fist. Glaring at her through my tears, I saw the way she put up no fight, expressions softening and etched with guilt. "You– you– you–"

My hands began to shake again. The ringing returned. I couldn't take it. I let go and shoved her back, needing a moment. But I didn't know what to do.

I wanted to hate her. She had messed with my head. Made this so much worse than it could have been if she'd just let me suffer in the first place. But at the same time, a small part of me wished it would have worked. That her mind manipulation would have done it's job and I wasn't remembering. Because fuck, remembering hurt like a bitch.

More tears came and I squeezed my eyes shut, squeezing my stomach to ease the never-ending pain. I opened my mouth to speak, but a sob came out instead, and before I knew it, Wanda was wrapping her arms around me, letting me fall into her.

"It's okay," she said with certainty, squeezing me. "You'll be okay."

I shook my head because I knew that wasn't true. Nothing was okay. I couldn't imagine it ever being okay.

She was just a kid.

[thisdreamplace]

Hey bestie, I would really appreciate your advice about my situation because you're the only person I trust when it comes to the law other than myself.

I confessed to my SP a week ago, and he feels the same way. So now, we're not dating but we both know that we're getting there. I was the one who wanted exclusivity within our situation, and he agreed. And yet I'm scared because his energy seems off. There's the fear that he's just agreeing because it's what I want, and I keep on affirming that he wants me and I've made an assumption a long time ago that my negative feelings don't manifest but I still feel scared. We're also long distance, and we've never met. He's been hanging out with a lot of new people lately, and you can already guess which fears of mine are being brought up to the surface. I have a lot of relationship trauma, I suffer from PTSD because of a past partner cheating, and I'm really tired of people saying not to fear that he'll do the same because circumstances don't matter — I already KNOW I'll be turned off if he does that. I'm sorry, but even if I'm aware that it's my doing, I would not tolerate that. I know I'd lose interest because I wouldn't want that in our history. It also feels awkward between us — the confession didn't go in the way I planned. We do feel the same way, he does say that he wants me, but I felt like it was underwhelming. Like something was missing.

I'm just very tired at this point. I spent all 2021 manifesting a different SP, but we didn't work out the way I wanted us to and I only said goodbye to them officially two months ago. I don't want to lose this SP like I lost the other one. And yes, my negative thoughts/feelings don't have to mean anything. Yes, spiralling doesn't have to mean anything. But I'm exhausted. And I'm jealous, I feel needy, I feel so insecure. Letting go scares me because I don't want him to change his mind while I'm gone. I don't want him to go off and have intimate moments he can't have with me because of distance. I don't want to suddenly be replaced as I disappear. I feel like I'm dying.

okay first of all u really need to take a step back here.

a lot of ur frustrations come from the fact you want the law to work for you, but then you’re also going to be mad if it works for you.

like, you have to understand this world is a mirror. your inner world is reflected by the outer world… good, bad, and indifferent. so stop putting all this weight into your sp and how they better show up. bc based off everything you admitted, you cannot sit here and be surprised if the things ur claiming you don’t want shine thru. you’re so busy trying to control this person which isnt it — you need to worry about controlling urself. there is no one to change but self. that is literal. lol i understand the heaviness you explained with worrying about what they may do while you’re “gone” but the hard pill to swallow is to realize sitting here ruminating over it doesn’t stop them neither. they aren’t going to put their life on pause because you decided to put your life on pause and wallow instead. it’s painful but let it be your wake up call that your world cannot change until you do.

if you have already decided they’re not worth it if they reflect the sides of YOU that you don’t like, then imo it’s best you really do take space because you have a lot to unpack here.

you don’t have to accept any type of behavior, and you can leave behind anyone that you want to in the process. but i also cannot applaud you for your idea of proving your self worth neither. because truly choosing yourself and truly proving your self worth begins with looking inside of you and doing what you need to do to stop repeating the experience of the old story. not going person to person hoping for a new experience. it simply doesnt make sense and it will not work — the mirror cannot reflect something that is not there. this is the side of the law a lot of people don’t want to accept. especially when it comes to a sp. but you’re being invited to look within and change the pattern once and for all. and it has everything to do with how you show up — not how you decide to react to your sp.

this is why imo, people saying you don’t need to heal is more detrimental than helpful. you have manifested your sp and instead of going in the direction you want you’re being dragged back down into your own shadows… take some time to really let the past pains go as well as any ideas you keep holding onto that don’t help you any longer. we latched onto those things as a safety net, but then we end up allowing them to keep us from what we truly want. you don’t have to live your life in these pains and fears. you can experience true love and freedom — but as long as you keep gripping onto the past you will have a more difficult time, such as what you are experiencing now.

i hope this helps you to shift where you are coming from and begin going in a new direction. you truly have a lot to face within yourself, and it sounds very heavy and will be uncomfortable. but you are definitely worth the journey. 💓

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” — Rumi

[moonylantsovs]

Purely Platonic [ B.B ]

request: Hi! I saw that your requests are open and I wanted to ask for a Bellamy x reader imagine. I was thinking something like you’ve been seeing each other but having defined your relationship. Then you overhear him tell someone that you two are just friends and will never be more. I would love a fluffy ending though :D

pairings: Bellamy Blake x reader

warnings: angst, jealousy, fluffy ending

Ever since your and Bellamy's kiss after the battle in Mount Weather, things have been great. And that went both ways. You two haven't exactly said what you are but you didn't see the need for it, you shared a room in Arkadia and spent most of your free time together.

There hasn't been a proper 'I love you' but you both knew you cared about each other in more ways than platonically and he didn't fail to prove that every night after your guard shifts. 

Your friends didn't know what you were either, but they knew you were hooking up. At least Raven did, and she didn't disappoint in calling you out while the two of you were fixing the Rover.

But now, while you were making your way to the guards meeting room, you figured Monty knew something was up too.

"So what's the deal with you and Y/N. Did you finally get the guts to tell her how you feel?" you heard Monty ask as you walked to the room.

And you, being nosey, decided to hide behind the door to listen.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Bellamy's gruff voice came from inside.

There was a loud snort coming from Miller, "Sure you don't, buddy. Should we just pretend you two haven't been making puppy dog eyes at each other since we landed two months ago?"

"Listen," Bellamy started "I never felt whatever you two think I feel towards Y/N. We're best friends who fool around from time to time. But nothing more. We only share a room because there's no spot left and I didn't want to share a room with my sister and her boyfriend."

You felt your heart sink in your stomach and tears prick in the corners of your eyes. You knew Bellamy wasn't good at expressing his emotions to anyone besides Octavia but that doesn't mean his words hurt any less.

The sadness and hurt soon turned into anger and you turned around to make your way back to your room. 

When you came in you put your gun down and took your guard jacket off to put your usual blue jean jacket on.

You took your hair out of the high ponytail it was in and made your way to the bar outside where you found Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, Wick and Gina sitting around a table.

"There you are!" Raven exclaimed as soon as she saw you walking up to the group.

"Hey, Rae." you grinned at her before looking at the rest of the group, "Everyone."

"Ouch." Wick winced, "I'm truly hurt, gorgeous."

You shook your head with a smile and sat down next to him, "Hello to you too, Kyle."

You knew Bellamy was always kind of jealous of how close you and Wick were. You two were best friends ever since you became an engineer and were basically inseparable back on The Ark. Right now, you also knew you were being petty by planning to flirt with him to get Bellamy mad.

"I thought you had a shift at the gates now?" Octavia asked you with furrowed eyebrows.

"Jones took over earlier so I just came here." you shrugged.

You looked at the drink in front of Wick and reached for it. Wick gave her a playful glare after you drank from his glass and you just stuck out your tongue making him chuckle.

He reached over to ruffle your hair and grabbed the glass from your hold, "I'll go get myself a refill and a glass for you."

"Thanks." you said, watching him walk away.

You turn back around to see Raven narrowing her eyes at you, "Something's wrong. What's wrong? Do I need to beat someone up?"

"Nothing's wrong." you told her innocently, leaning back.

"Maybe she's just sexually frustrated." Gina teased with a wink, "You should talk to Bellamy about that one."

You scoffed but before you had the chance to answer a voice from behind you spoke up, "Talk to Bellamy about what?"

When you turned around you saw Bellamy, who just walked up to the table followed by Miller.

"Just the guard's schedule." you shrugged and gave him a pointed look when he was about to sit down, "Sorry, the seat is taken."

He furrowed his eyebrows and smirked thinking you were just teasing him, "Who could possibly be more important than me?"

"Sorry that would be me." came the voice of Kyle with two glasses of alcohol in his hand.

You gave him a thankful smile once he handed you the glass while sitting down, back next to you.

Bellamy hoped his annoyance wasn't obvious as he sat down in the middle of Octavia and Gina.

Hint: it was very obvious.

Wick gave him an innocent smile while putting his arm on the back of your chair. You smiled at him already knowing he was only doing it to annoy Bellamy, which he made a big habit of.

Raven raised an amused eyebrow at the tension between the two males before clearing her throat, "Before you guys rudely interrupted us, we were discussing the style of the Rover's doors."

"Slide doors, obviously." you perked up at the topic.

"Thank you!" Wick exclaimed, turning towards Raven, "It's much more practical than having it open like normal doors."

"Of course she'd agree with you." Raven muttered, rolling her eyes.

"Duh," you smirked, "Great minds think alike."

"Damn straight." Wick agreed with a proud smirk that made Bellamy clench his jaw in annoyance.

He couldn't help but eye the arm that was basically wrapped around your shoulders. The Blake brother would never admit it out loud, due to his enormous ego, but he was always jealous of how close you and Wick were. The fact that Wick was a natural flirt and a very touchy person didn't help at all.

"You want to get together and work on it tonight?" he heard Wick ask you and watched you gave him a nod of agreement.

The dark haired boy cleared his throat, "Don't we have plans tonight, (Y/N)?"

You looked at his with furrowed eyebrows, "I don't think so, Bell. But don't wait up, I have the room key with me and I'll be careful not to wake you up."

Octavia, Raven, Gina and Miller had to fight the urge to laugh at the look on Bellamy's face. The four finally realized what you were doing and that there was obvious trouble in paradise.

"Yeah, you two have fun. Me and Gina have plans tonight so I won't be able to help." Raven spoke up with a fake apologetic look you almost snorted at.

"Don't worry about it, Reyes."

-

It was almost two in the morning once you finally returned to your and Bellamy's room.

You opened the door, only to find Bellamy sitting on the bed with his arms crossed over his chest and a serious expression on his face.

"Where the hell were you?" he asked, getting up as soon as you shut the door behind you.

"I already told I── "

"No, I mean why the hell are you back here at 2 a.m?" he demanded.

"We got held up, relax." you said shrugging off your jacket and putting it over a chair.

"Relax? You come back to our room at 2 a.m reeking of alcohol and you want me to relax?" he snapped, clenching his jaw.

Your eyes widened, "Can you stop yelling and being overdramatic? You're saying this like it's the first time."

"Well it's the first time you stayed that long after being alone with Kyle, so excuse me if I thought you weren't just working on the Rover." he clenched his jaw, pure anger radiating from him.

"What if we weren't?" you say after a few seconds of silence making his head snap up to look back at you, "What if we were doing something other then fixing the Rover? I'm not your girlfriend, you don't own me, Bellamy. I can do whatever the hell I want."

Bellamy gaped at you in disbelief, "So what? You actually slept with him?"

"No." you crossed your arms over your chest, "But I'm saying that if I wanted to I would have. Especially since you have no romantic feelings for me whatsoever. We're just fooling around, right?"

He blinked in shock as realization hit him, "You heard that." 

You nodded, "Yeah, but it's fine. I'm stupid for thinking Bellamy Blake, the Casanova of the camp that slept with half the girls there, would want to be in a relationship. Not your fault."

"You really think that?" he asked, his voice coming out a lot softer then when you started the conversation, "That I only want to sleep with you and that I don't have feelings for you?"

"That's what you said, didn't you?"

"What if I didn't mean it?"

His question caught you off guard so you furrowed your eyebrows, "Bellamy that doesn't make── "

"I love you, (Y/N)." he cut you off making your eyes widen.

"You what?" you choked out.

"I love you." he repeated, "And you don't have to say it back but I do, I love you. I'm in love with you. What I told Monty and Miller was a complete and absolute lie. I had feelings for you ever since we came down and wanted to be with you ever since."

You didn't know what to say. You were waiting for him to say that for the longest time but now that he finally did you had no idea how to respond.

Noticing your silence, he let out a sad sigh, "And now I probably fucked everything up."

He cleared his throat, snapping you out of your daze, "I can ask Miller to bunk with him tonight, if you're not── "

"No, no." you cut him off "I── you have no idea how long I waited for you to say that."

Before he even had the chance to process your words you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him into a kiss. It took him a second to respond but when he did, you smiled into the kiss and felt his arms wrap around your waist to pull you impossibly closer to him.

You pulled apart, panting for air when a huge grin broke on his face, "I guess this means you love me back."

"Yeah." you chuckled, "I love you, Bell."