#i'm rambling. i should be journaling instead

[sudokuplayer]

i'm so angry and heartbroken and i think this is all i will ever be

[blizzardfluffykpop]

You sent me an ask so I shall return the favor! What is the most recent Kpop group you’ve gotten into and how did you find out about them? I always love hearing fan “origin stories” lol

Thank you for returning the favor~ That would be The Boyz 🥰💖 I love hearing fan "origin stories" too hehe (This is gonna get long I love them sm)

Anyways I've known about them since debut? I loved Bloom Bloom Pow with my whole heart when it came out and tried to fall for them then- It didn't work. The next time was when The Stealer (TS) came out~ I had watched them perform for Road to Kingdom- because ptg was on the show too- But I really loved TS cb- sm so that I bought the album about 6 mos later with my favorite members as inclusions at the time (Eric, Kevin and Hyunjae). But nothing came about of it even after watching the weekly idol episodes... Then came Whisper era and I ended up biasing Changmin (Q) and loving that song but again nothing came out of it.

(A little backstory is that Changkyun (I.M) got me into Dominic Fike's music-) Thus, when tiktok showed me Juyeon, Changmin, and Sunwoo dancing to Babydoll earlier this year as a dance cover: I fell. And then I finally checked out Watch It~ But Hui had his solo and it distracted me completely from falling further. Then I had gotten sick and decided 'well, what if I watch their content?' And I did... I watched their hello82 interview and their reaction to fanart of them, and lastly their mafia dance. And I loved each sm that I decided to check out more.

It was the first time I had watched their content and wanted to see more. And now, I watch their content almost daily. It's kind of like they revived the joy of kpop for me? My (old) ult of ults has been on hiatus due to the military so it's been stagnant content lately for me. But then they came in like a breath of fresh air- and I simply can't get enough. This month will be 3 mos and I honestly hope I'll follow them for a long time. (I think they're my new ult of ults tbh)

And lastly now here I am as a Younghoon and Juyeon bias (with bias wrecker: Changmin... he's doing everything to be bias again). And with them having a comeback I loved with my whole heart this past month, I think it really solidified them with me. Honestly, I'm so happy with them.

[bi-moonlight]

.

[noodle-made-a-mistake]

A short list of things that bother me about the Magisterium canon:

Forgive me in advance for rambling, I have to get these thoughts out of my brain lmao (also it's been a couple years so correct me if I'm wrong! (I really hope I’m wrong on some of these :’) )) Spoilers ahead obviously!

● The lack of Calron :(

● Not taking the opportunity to develop Tamara's character and keeping her static until she's randomly just different. Strong female characters aren't just skilled and perfect until their one flaw (usually it's having feelings like any other human being) is revealed shockingly (that's just sloppy characterization), they should be crucial to the plot and not overlooked in favor of developing other characters (from what I remember she literally was my favorite while reading the series until she just got annoying (??) after a while, of course that could just be because the story is told through Call's perspective but still)

● The entire school system that I need more info on bc it sounds so unthought out and not like something that has existed for hundreds of years

● The forceful nature of making people serve as masters?? That makes no sense? Like, “Congratulations on not dying during your schooling or in the war(s), your prize is forced labor 👍.”

● Also THE COLLEGIUM WAS MENTIONED AND NEVER ELABORATED UPON

● TGT. Least favorite book. Get out. Tgt truthers how do you do it??

● The Maugris plot twist. It destroys the meaning behind the past four books. It's just so uncalled for and frankly just sloppy ig? I love the idea in a way, but only if it's foreshadowed from the beginning. Also I'm too attached to the complicated dynamic of Alastair raising his possible ex-bestie for it to end up like that

● The fact that the iron trio is out of school for half the series, I'd like to know what's normal, y'know??

● THE LACK OF ELABORATION ABOUT THE FIRST GEN I WANT TO KNOW MORE I HAVE TO KNOW MORE

● They did my man Constantine especially wrong, give him some ✨️character✨️ aside from E V I L and problematic (trademark) and charming (???)

● AND ALASTAIR GOD TELL ME MORE?? He's characterized as distant and obviously traumatized with his hate of his magic involved past but I just need to know what that past was like. Like who was he before his dead wife syndrome?? Idk but I'd of liked any excuse to know more about it just so I can understand him more??

● Please give me a single character trait of Declan's?? Like he was mentioned a handful of times and that's all we got. He was just some guy and I am hating it !!

● And Sarah. Like. She was a mom and liked peace as a concept but she also made a cool ass knife. That's a lot of things left up for interpretation. And I know Call wasn’t allowed to ask questions for plot reasons but god i wish he had more information about his own dead mother for Christ's sake

● Also other than a victim, who was Jericho? I need to know who this kid who drew scribbles in the margins of his very important journal while writing about how he was slowly being killed was. What was his relationship really like with his brother if he was so scared to say that he was dying or what gave him the impression that he didn't care?? It's fascinating and I need him under a microscope immediately

● Also the lack of queer representation until the last two books. AND THEN IT WASN'T EVEN ANY OF OUR MAIN CAST. Literally the saddest L ever :(

● AND AARON WAS NEVER CONFIRMED QUEER LIKE WHAT THE FUCK JUST L O O K AT HIS CHARACTER AND INFACT ALL OF OUR CORE CAST IS AT LEAST BI LIKE C O M E O N (ik they're like kids but even I knew I was not straight when I was like 11 and i lived in the most conservative non-LGBTQ-friendly town known to man)

● Low key, callmara was so bad, like I love them but not the way it happened, horrible set up. Tamara deserved so much better and to not have her entire character destroyed by becoming a love interest. I wish they thought about her as an independent character instead of the means to implement a romantic subplot in tgt, they did so good in the first books with that

● Also there's no elaboration on what chaos is. It's the mystical 5th element. Wow! Let's go girl, give us nothing! You'd think that if Makaris were so exceptionally rare and special that we'd get some explanation on how they come to be and what it is exactly that they can control but we're just left to assume it's the special "chosen one" type of thing. Idk it bothers me for some reason :/

That's just off the top of my head and it's been years since I read the series all the way through (I should do a reread soon). For the most part I adore this funky series and I hate to bash it but I felt the need to ramble about it's shortcomings because I'm not crazy, right?? It had so much potential! Anyway, I'm sort of glad for the blanks in the story despite complaining about them because it leaves room for fics and fan interpretations that I always love to see, but on the other hand, I'd like for the story to feel finished and not like a last minute science fair project.

Thanks for sticking around for my late night rambling lmao

[divorcedfiddleford]

Random but - if you were given an opportunity to rewrite Ford's character and his arc in the show (and later J3), how would it be like?

canon gay and trans

so the thing is that i think most of how ford himself is written is really really good! i just think that the writers (particularly alex) have a bias against him, and so a lot of the narrative ends up feeling like he's either being punished or being forced to atone for his past. so i'm gonna ramble and daydream for a bit but i want to be clear i actually really like how he's written in general (yes, even in the book that i have so much beef with!!)

there's very few moments of catharsis for him, and those that he gets are either short (reunion with fiddleford) or undermined by the writers' bias (the ending of journal 3 where he burns all his bill stuff but has to keep reminding us that he was stupid for trusting bill in the first place). so i think a lot of the problems i have would be resolved with tonal shifts and a few cuts, like that fucking scene in the stanchurian candidate with the mind control tie. the implication of reaganite ford is bad enough but then to have a guy who has very specific trauma relating to being mind controlled/not being in control of his own body just hand that over is really fucking stupid. then again i think that whole episode is stupid so i'd end up rewriting all of it lmao

i've said before but if i really had my way i'd cut roadside attraction entirely and replace it with another ford episode. i loved how goofy and fun dd&md was and i think if more of that lighthearted side of him was shown it would endear him to the audience more. a long time ago i had an idea for an episode where they go back to the bunker and ford basically does puppy talk to the shapeshifter who is actively trying to kill them. i never followed this idea through to its conclusion but i think it still sounds entertaining, plus it would also give more time for him to reunite with fiddleford so it wouldn't have to be squeezed in the finale.

speaking of the finale... my personal fantasy is that i'd love to have a scene stuck in there where stan apologizes to ford. it REALLY stood out to me that despite all their fighting, ford still at least says the words "i'm sorry" to stan. stan never apologizes for anything he did to ford - neither for breaking his project, nor for banishing him to the hell dimension for 30 years. i get that they were mistakes, but you still have to apologize for mistakes (and if i allow myself to get very self-indulgent for a second, i've often thought the whole story would be a lot more resonant if stan broke ford's machine on purpose). i had a whole section in here where i talked about what a scene like this would look like but it was so long... if people want to hear more about it i'll say more but it's the kind of thing that warrants its own post.

anyway. moving on from the show itself. so possibly my hottest take is that i think journal 3 should not have been published KJSHDFLGKHSDFGUIWEHRGJSDF. basically i think instead of trying to write the actual journal 3 they should have picked a handful of stories from his research era that they wanted to tell and made a graphic novel about that. i got WAAAAAAAYYYY off topic and wrote PARAGRAPHS about this but it's not related to the question you asked so i'll just summarize by saying i think it would play more to their strengths as writers, leave more to the imagination, and they could leave out all those fucking retcons that i hate

as it is, though, again, i think that ford is written pretty well in the journal. there are a few off-handed comments and lines that give me "he would not fucking say that" vibes but overall it very realistically portrays what it's like for someone to be manipulated, isolated, drawn away from his loved ones, etc. it's a very poignant story which resonated with a lot of people, myself included. again my main problem is that it's undercut with the writers being like "BROOOOO HE'S JUST LIKE ICARUS!! FLEW TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN!!!!!!!!" as though it's all his fault, and that it ends on a very moralizing "i learned my lesson" note. so really the biggest characterization problems i have with journal 3 have to do with fiddleford, but that's a whole other can of worms

anyway i hope this was... interesting? informative?? i hope i answered your question to your satisfaction. have a nice day :)

[quinloki]

Here we go! :3 Also my writing style replaces reader for dolucha which means reader in japanese just so you are aware. It’s not super good but like I said I just wanted to share it with you guys

Now Dokucha sat in the counter of the kitchen watching as Thatch about grabbing different ingredients and mixtures from the shelves

“Thatch I swear it was an accident”

“You really think I'm gonna buy that? That you poisoned my tea on accident?” he hums looking at the label of one of the bottles he had grabbed

“Was Marco finding you running towards one of our junior boats also an accident?”

They flinch at this; somehow, the relaxed and nonchalant way he was talking made it much scarier than when he was visibly fuming

They slowly began to lower themselves from the counter

“Listen, I-

“If you leave that counter, I promise you, Darling, things will be much worse for you,” he said, glancing at them from the corner of his eye

Their eyes widen at his silent threat, and they are quick to climb up again

Thatch grabs the bottle, and picks begins to move it around; his movements were slow and deliberate, but it was obvious he was furious.

"Now, just what were you planning to do, hmm?" he asks calmly.

“Nothing! Like I said, it was an accident!”

"You just accidentally grabbed poison and mixed it with my tea?" he asks calmly, still stirring the vial. He didn't even glance at Dokucha.

"Is that what you want to go with?Last chance."

“It’s the truth.”

“Is that so?” He said, grabbing a syringe from one of the drawers and filling it with the liquid in the vial

“Let’s find out then,” he stated walking towards them and taking hold of their arm

“What is that?!” They exclaim, trying to pull their arm from his grip

Thatch chuckles, pulling on their wrist a little harder.

“Let’s find out what really happened,” he said, holding the needle to their arm.

“Please…” they began to beg, trying to squirm away but not really putting in a fight. They knew there was no coming out of this.

-Timeskip-

They tried to remember what had happened, they truly did, but the last thing they were able to recall was Thatch injecting them with the liquid; after that, everything was hazy and confusing.

They seemed to be back on their bed; they tried to get up, but somehow their body would not move

Thatch sat beside them, as if nothing had happened.

He hummed a tune and began writing in his journal. He glanced at them and gave a bright smile.

"Don’t try so hard; you won’t be able to," he said, closing the journal and walking next to the bed

“Move. I mean, you probably won’t be able to speak either, but that’s okay, right, Darling? Seeing as what was coming out of your mouth was just lies, we might as well make sure nothing comes out of it for a while.”

They stared at him with widened and watery eyes, tears beginning to fall from their cheeks; at least, they thought so; they could barely register what was going around them anymore.

“Oh, that’s right, I forgot the sodium thiopental can cause amnesia. Remember when I injected you with it before? It works as a truth serum, more or less; it makes you more suggestible. Or so Marco said,” he rambled, caressing their cheek

“It’s funny what people are willing to say when under it, see you told me all about how you got a particular type of poison and how you put it on my tea when I was not looking, funniest part is not once did you mention anything about accidents. “

No

They tried to open their mouth to try to tell him otherwise, to tell him it was an accident, but try as they may, no sound came out of them, and Thatch seem to have realized this as he threw them a dark smile their way

Thatch was almost giddy with his mischief.

“Aw, you should have listened to me from the start instead of playing coy,” he smirked, gently cupping their face

“You know, all of this could have been avoided if you had just come clean to me

But no, you just had to be stubborn. But that’s okay. We can improve that.

Ah, I almost forgot; the reason you can’t move right now is because I gave you a paralytic so that you can take some time and…think about your decisions; we wouldn’t want you to get distracted from your reflection by things such as moving and speaking.”

“Now, I’m going to grab some food and let you ‘think,’ okay?” He gives a small smile and starts to walk out of the room, glancing back at you once to make sure you couldn’t move and. Much to their horror, he switched off the lights and closed the door, leaving them to suffer in complete darkness

I love this

I LOVE it - the use of the word for reader as the placeholder name is an interesting take format wise, it feels like a name, but the name itself is just reader. To a native English speaker it has a solid feel.

I love that the conflict already happened. The tea was already tainted before we came into the story - we’re here to witness the aftermath. Short form stories are always hard for me because of that. But you bring this in really smooth.

The perspective is good too, there’s no “you” which is often the norm, but the use of “they” gives it a stepped back 3rd person vibe which works well with this given the later out of body feels of being drugged. I’m not saying one or the other is *better*, but intentional or not I like the choice here along with the rest of it.

And man, it’s so dark, but the weight of that darkness is all in the allusions. We don’t see the interrogation, but we can imagine the small terrifying details of it. Not being able to stop the truth from rolling off our tongues as we confess to our own undoing.

The punishment too, and the sense that there’s an established fear of darkness even if it isn’t wholly stated.

Thank you so much for writing this \o/ I’m glad to have played a part in inspiring it!!

[gaysullengirl]

𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐞 𝐛𝐥𝐮𝐞, 𝐬𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧. five things

❝ i hate it here so i will go to secret gardens

in my mind ❞ -taylor swift, i hate it here

   Isabelle Cruz absolutely despised five things.

One, failure. The feeling like she was never doing enough followed her around like a stray cat, mostly she hated the idea of being a failure to herself but the idea of other people being disappointed in her made her shudder.

Two, being perceived as weak- or being perceived at all.

Three, germs. Isabelle didn't care to relentlessly research articles about germs until she meet Spencer. She adored his ramblings except for the ones about germs- sometimes he was like a human germ encyclopedia.

Four, losing freckles during the winter. It was awful for the memory of each freckle to gradually disappear, Isabelle still mourned the loss of her favorite freckle, which was just underneath her left eye.

Five, feeling numb- which was unfortunately for her happening right now.

The sound of a gunshot rang through Isabelle's ears as sat on the curb just across the street from an unsub's house.

"First time you've ever shot an unsub?" Morgan curiously asked her.

"No." She responded, not even turning her head towards him.  

"Then what's the problem?"

'I don't know' Isabelle wanted to say but didn't, instead she continued staring at scene in front of her.

The front yard of the house was taken over by police officers and agents scattering in and out of the house.

"We caught him and saved David." Morgan said, hoping it would comfort Isabelle.

But it didn't, yes they caught the awful man killing children and yes, they saved a little boy, David.

But somehow she still she wasn't content.

It didn't feel right to be content.

Isabelle noticed Spencer walk to Morgan and whisper something to him but she didn't bother looking- or listening to their conversation.

Spencer sat down next to her and watched the scene with her.

"What are you thinking about?"

Isabelle stayed silent for a moment, debating if she should lie to him or tell the truth.

She sighed, "I just feel stuck, like I'm a security guard watching my entire life play out in front of me on tapes and I'm just- observing my own life."

"It's normal to feel like that after moving, humans tend to want what we can't have- and one of those things is control." He stated.

This was why Isabelle adored Spencer's ramblings, her brain made her think she was the only one going through something and therefore she'd never recover, but Spencer somehow managed to co

for her with facts and statistics.

"Why are you thinking about this right now?" Spencer asked.

"I always think about it- it takes up like 90% of my brain function."

"You've always spent too much time up here." Spencer responded, pointing to his head.

Isabelle just scrunched her eyebrows.

"I remember one time you were staring at the wall and I asked you 'what's on your mind?' and you told me you were yearning for your childhood."

"That's a reasonable thing to yearn for." Isabelle defended.

"I'm not saying it's not, I'm just saying you think too

much."

She scoffed, "Really, you're saying that to me? Spencer Reid is telling me I think too much?"

Spencer just shook his head slightly and smirked.

୨୧

The next day was filled with paperwork, paperwork, and paperwork.

It was the thing Isabelle hated most yet loved most about her job.

In the moment, it was hell, her hand cramping, racking her brain trying to remember what happened because she somehow already forgot.

But later, reading the reports, remembering the stories was something she could talk about for hours.

It was like opening an old journal that had sat collecting dust, reading over the things that caused so much anxiety at the time, which were now mundane.

"Hey do you wanna go to a bar with us?" Spencer asked and Isabelle smiled, "Yes I would love too, who going?"

"Me, Derek, Penelope, Emily, and Jj."

"Okay, just give me a sec-" Isabelle was cut off my her phone ringing.

'Unknown Number' It read, she clicked accept and brought the phone to her ear.

The only sounds that could be heard were heavy breaths, her eyebrows curled into confusion and she hung up.

"Um yeah, I'll be there in a sec." She told Spencer.

"Who was that?" "I don't know, it was just breathing must've been a butt dial or something."

authors note!

hope u enjoyed! :)

[gengarartblog]

Not really phases of the incident but more like different concepts of what could have happened? These are mostly scrapped now but I figured I could post them since they were technically almost done. This is again leaning into the "what if Dalv was the Integrity SOUL's final boss fight" idea I had. Maybe if I figure this out I'll make a doodle page or something.

Ramblings below the cut for my thought process atm when it comes to me trying to figure out the timeline of events with the Snowdin Incident. Because I am fucking STRUGGLING with this one.

Enjoy the scrapped concepts and, if you read it, the rambling below the cut.

All I know that I have to work with is:

-Kanako was unharmed -Dalv was injured, bad enough to be traumatized by it. He's also aware of the integrity human dying. (He mentions that day just repeating for him, which is probably flashbacks.) -Chujin knows that Dalv was injured, and instead of comforting his daughter or helping Dalv, he sends Axis after the human only to arrive to an absolute mess of a scene when he finds Axis and the remains of the human.

So the first issue:

Did Chujin and Axis show up before the human ran? Chujin was told by the other Snowdin residents about the human and he definitely found Kanako and Dalv at least. I'm actually starting to lean towards him having not arrived before the human ran since Chujin mentions that Kanako had no one to protect her (technically incorrect, as Dalv was 100% there and likely would have been protecting her. BUT if he had died then she would have been next with no one to save her). This would mean that for Kanako to be unharmed and for Dalv to be still alive, one of three things had to have happened:

a. The human decided to spare Dalv. Maybe because they didn't want to kill in front of another child or because they just decided to spare Dalv after beating him up. They then ran to waterfall because that was the next area they needed to go to get to the castle, and had no idea that Axis would be following soon.

b. Dalv managed to deal enough damage that the human decided to flee. He does mention holding back against Clover, and he's one of few monsters that live long enough to speak a few sentences after a fatal hit (like Starlo, Ceroba, Papyrus, and Undyne to name a few examples, who are all stronger regular monsters). And as we've seen from Undyne, even regular monsters can hold their own against a human if they're protecting someone or something. Hell, with Undyne we even have to run from her to be able to spare her in UT. The problem with this is that Dalv mentions that he won't run away this time ("All I know is that somehow... you found me. Sorry to make things difficult but I'm not cowering away this time"). But I'm not sure if he means the snowdin incident or if he means when he ran away twice from Clover in the dark ruins. Because while he's mistaking Clover for the integrity human here, he did run away from them in the dark ruins. However the pillar fun value event has Dalv running away???

c. Dalv and Kanako ran when they had the chance. But then why did the human run to waterfall instead of just wiping out snowdin? Sure Dalv and Kanako could have been the last monsters the human encountered before waterfall, but then Chujin would have likely encountered the human before Dalv and Kanako did. Not only that but from the sounds of it, Dalv stuck around for a bit probably due to injuries since Chujin mentions that he should have stayed to help calm Kanako down and to help Dalv with his injuries.

So what the hell is the timeline of events here? Like. Was the human already past Snowdin and went backwards for some reason at some point? Maybe they found out what happened to some of the other humans and that upset them to the point where they started violently defending themselves? I dunno.

The second issue:

Who the hell is the "friend" that Dalv mentions in his journal that apparently "doesn't exist"? I'm guessing it's whoever was leaving the corn right? Maybe Kanako since he said it's been a year?

I have no idea. I'm gonna go back to trying to figure out more stuff and put a timeline together for this. See ya.

[five-rivers]

Loving the foray back into Generator Rex stuff. I was obsessed with that show but honestly don't remember much that happened after Cesar showed up for the first time. I just remember being really upset that Six never got his memories back. Like SURE he accepts Rex's role in his life but the EXPERIENCES are gone from his memory now. That hurts.

It does. 😭

This isn't quite on topic, but this also gave me an idea for a little snippet. <3

.

Rex drummed his fingers against the leather cover of his journal, thinking.  It had been most of a year since he'd started writing in it, updating it whenever he could.  It was full of thoughts, feelings, speculation, copies of the incident reports White sometimes made him write out, memories from before he'd gotten the journal, summaries of training, dreams, rambling about friends, enemies, and fights, anything and everything that came to mind when he had a spare half hour a pen or a pencil, or when Holiday got on an education kick and wanted him to practice grammar or spelling or something.  

It was only half full.  Rex didn't have a whole lot of spare half hours.  He tried, though.  His interest in filling the journal up was backed at least partially by fear.  There was a lot that he really, desperately, wanted to know about himself, if he ever forgot again.  There was a lot he wanted to know about the people around him.  

There was a lot in the little book about White, Noah, Bobo, and Holiday.  

There was a lot about Six.  

Six, who had just forgotten everything himself.  

Six, who had given him the journal in the first place.  

Six, who had only lost his memory because Rex had been so impatient to test Caesar's machine.  

Okay, he knew that wasn't completely accurate, and he was hardly wallowing in guilt, or whatever.  If anything, he'd blame Caesar's invention skills and Six's weird propensity for stabbing machines instead of, like, going after something "upstream," or unplugging them.  

Rex could do a lot of things with machines, but lack of power was a stumbling block even for him.  

But, point was, Rex was delaying.  It should be easy to give this to Six.  To give him something about what he'd lost.  Rex owed him that much.  But the journal was so personal…  Rex hadn't written it expecting anyone else to ever read it.  Not even Six.  

It was hard.  

This whole thing was hard.  

(It wasn't fair.  Forgetting sucked.  Being forgotten sucked.  It all sucked.  He had a lot more sympathy for Caesar, now.)

He took a deep breath.  He wanted to give this to Six.  He wanted to share these memories with him.  He didn't want to be the only one who knew these things.  He didn't want to be the only one who remembered.  

Not when he might forget at any moment.  

He really wished Caesar's machine had worked.  Either time. 

He stood up and opened the door, journal still in his hand.  He second-guessed himself all the way to the lab, where Six was getting another check up, courtesy of Holiday.  

"Hey, um, what's up?" asked Rex, still not quite ready to make a decision.  

"My blood pressure, apparently," said Six, putting his glasses back on.  "I don't understand how this is more stressful than killing people for money."

"It isn't about stress," said Holiday, rolling her eyes.  "You're just six years older.  Bodies change.  What about you, Rex?  On the way to the Petting Zoo?  Or just checking in?"

"Uh," said Rex.  "Yeah.  The Petting Zoo."

"I still don't understand why it's called that," grumbled Six.  

"It's ironic," explained Holiday.  

"Anyway!" said Rex, loudly.  He walked up to Six and shoved the journal at him.  "I'm lending this to you.  I want it back by the end of the week, okay?  Don't let White see it, it's private."  One of the very few private things he had, actually.  Maybe that's why he was so scared.  "Okay!  Thanks!  Gotta go!  Bye!"

He ran.

.

Six drummed his fingers against the leather cover of the journal, thinking.  Long plane rides, even on jump jets, gave you a lot of time to think.  

It had been nearly seven months since Rex had given it to him.  Six since Rex had disappeared in that fight with Breach.  

It was high time he gave it back to him.  Even if he had to go through Providence to do it.  

[angelofchaos001]

Another Outer Wilds OC

Some spoilers for the base game and DLC, you all know how this one goes. My brain churns up ideas and this is how I end up with so many OC's. Sorry if the community isn't super big on this thing but OC's are how I express my love and joy for a fandom.

Mini rambling out of the way, here's everything you need to know about Quartz!

Quartz is an older Hearthian, only a few years younger than some of the OWV founders. Despite not being involved with the founding of the program, they were around for it's conception and creation, and supported it wholly.

They are the village healer, and use a variety of herbs and natural remedies along with the technology they have available. They have gotten particularly good at treating broken bones and burns. Quartz has extensive notes on the herbs they use with exact uses, location, growing/drying, and side effects. They keep these notes in a sturdy (but soft and well-worn) journal.

When Quartz was a hatchling, they never had the thought of pursuing a medicinal career. They actually wanted to be an explorer or engineer like many of their (slightly older) peers. What made them change their mind? You can blame Feldspar (typical). They got themselves hurt and scared Quartz out of exploring. Instead, Quartz liked seeing how the treatment the village gave their friend made them feel much better and at ease, and they liked that idea of helping others out.

So Quartz began to study. And experiment. And try and fail with all sorts of random plants they found. (Yep. They knew one plant could be used to make bandages, so they started testing what other plants could do.) Despite the wild ideas, Quartz never strayed too far from the beaten path and never tried anything new on themselves (it was always on their more ambitious and fearless peers). As they got older and their friends began doing crazy things such as building ships to explore space, Quartz was very glad to not be part of that.

They continued to spend their time honing their craft, and as the space program started to take hold, they found themselves treating a lot of burns, broken bones, and bruises. Once they had successfully figured out how to explore space, though, Quartz was thrilled for their friends and any new recruits. After some of the test flights and such, though, Quartz is the one who insisted that the explorers carry basic medical treatment on them.

In terms of where they'd be/what they'd do in the game, all they would really be there for is that they tell the hatchling that (if it's not already clear) there should be plenty of medical supplies waiting in the ship - And mention that they just restocked it for this launch. They can also treat any wounds hatchling has at the request to do so, but obviously this is pretty niche. Quartz has their own little medical tent and also willingly rags on the likes of Feldspar and Slate for their reckless behavior.

Now: Here's some funny dialogue prompts and some snippets of their notebook! (Which would 100% be a thing you can read. It's just flavor and has no gameplay relevance)

-

[First Interaction]

Mmm? Certainly wasn't expecting to see you so close to your big day, hatchling. Feeling sick about it or such? Nerves can do that to you, I know. If you need to lie down for a moment, I'll always be here. Not like I want to leave, anyway.

[Second Interaction]

My tent will always be a safe place for any hearthian passing through. That includes you, too, hatchling, so don't feel like you have to tough it out for me. In fact, that's probably the one thing you can do that'll make me upset.

>I promise I won't become the next Feldspar to you.

Uh, yeah, please don't do that. They ended up in my tent pretty much daily because of how reckless they were. I'm amazed they survived as long in space as they did . . .

Sorry, I shouldn't be muddying their name like that. They were a good friend. But just this one time, I'm begging, don't be like Feldspar.

[Follow-Up]

Don't be shy to take a breather before you go. Stress isn't good for your mind or your body. If you need any kind of first aid, just say the word and I'll give it.

>I feel fine, I promise.

>Now that you mention it . . .

Heh. I know they made the right choice when they let you become an explorer. By the way, in case you forgot, there's medical supplies on your ship as well. Enforced by yours truly. You can always top off and patch up any wounds you've got there. Anyhow, I've kept you for long enough. Go get out there and chase those stars!

-----

>Now that you mention it . . .

Just looking at you I can tell you needed some. Come on, sit down and let ol' Quartz patch you up.

~Fade out and fade in~

There, all better. Don't go running off and getting yourself hurt too badly, though. There are some wounds not even I can heal. By the way, in case you forgot, there's medical supplies on your ship as well. Enforced by yours truly. You can always top off and patch up any wounds you've got there. Anyhow, I've kept you for long enough. Go get out there and chase those stars!

And some of their field notes! (The plants mentioned are made-up, but based on actual herbs.)

[Page 1]

Herb: Sunset Cup

Parts of plant used: Roots; Leaves

Used for: Soothing open wounds, Soothing disturbed or torn skin, Relieving sore muscles and/or joints; Notably useful in calming skin irritated from broken bones.

Side effects: Lightheadedness, Mildly hallucinogenic.

Description: A smaller, low-growing plant with long, broad leaves that feel fuzzy to touch. Blooms with large, pink and purple flowers in clusters that have a distinctive cup or bell shape to them.

Where to find: Grows near the geysers; Rare to find on Timber Hearth.

Grown domestically: No

Feldspar reported that it made them feel lightheaded and they're pretty sure they saw me turn green. A few hours after the plant had been applied, they were fine - Though plenty embarrassed.

Gabbro commented they may have found more Sunset Cups growing on Giant's Deep. A quick image sent back to Hornfels confirmed this, meaning the plant is likely native to there - Given how abundantly it was growing.

[Page 2 is a drawing of the previous herb with a specific diagram that I can't do because plants are hard.]

[Page 3]

Herb: White Clearpetal

Parts of plant used: Leaves; Flower

Used for: Lowering high temperatures, Assisting with coughs, Clearing a stuffed throat and/or nose, Eases breathing.

Side Effects: Bitter and hard to eat, Overapplication worsens breathing complications, Chills, Tiredness

Description: A tall plant with few leaves and a thin stem that grows clusters of flowers. The flowers are large and almost see-through, save for an interesting milkiness to the petals. The center is a solid golden orb covered in small dark seeds.

Where to find: Look around the grove and it grows everywhere; Easy to find and plentiful year after year.

Grown domestically: No

When I tested this, it was when Esker was sick one time. I doubt they would have survived without the petals to clear up their throat. I still feel so thankful I found the clearpetals.

Note to self: Do not overfeed the leaves or petals. I'm 95% sure Feldspar just stopped breathing for a minute after they ate an entire stem. Also, they went unconscious.

[Page 5]

Herb: Angler's Bush

Parts of plant used: Roots, Leaves

Used for: Clotting wounds, Stimulating the body

Side effects: Can cause infection if not dried properly, Hyperness, Acting aware and on edge, Can induce mania if overeaten.

Description: Low-growing plant with dozens of leaves clustered together, almost like a small bush. Flowers rarely, but the flowers are distinctive for their resemblance in color and shape to a young anglerfish.

Where to find: Feldspar claims to have found it on Brittle Hollow's surface. Riebeck cannot currently locate the plant, however.

Grown domestically: Yes

Note: DO NOT EAT THE FLOWERS. Also, remind Slate more thoroughly that not every herb I have is edible.

One of my few plants from off Timber Hearth. I'm very glad I've still managed to grow it here, in it's own little boxed-off area. Despite most of it being extremely helpful, the flowers seem to have the opposite effect, reducing the ability to clot and stop blood flow.

Slate is lucky the rest of this plant can do that for them.

Someone has been cutting off the flowers and stealing them from me. From now on, trim flowering Angler Bushes and store the seeds away safely.

Just some lil things. And no, none of this should be taken as actual medical accuracy and it's not meant to exactly make sense. I'm having fun with a fantasy world about time loops and alien races.

[jellymellydraws]

Masterlist ~ <<Previous Chapter ~ Next Chapter >>

Astarion x Dark Urge Chapter 19 - Ugh…Heroes. Rating: E Tags: Angst, Fluff, hurt/comfort, slow burn, two guarded people fall in love so hard it makes them stupid CW for Chapter: This chapter includes: Mentions of Torture, acts of torture, and mentions of cannibalism.

Chapter Summary:

Before they can save the druid, Wyll insists that another prisoner needs to be saved first. Rose disagrees.

Minthara's directions were concise enough to remember, and clear enough for Rose to perfectly picture the temple's map in her mind. With her focus back on their assignment, she continued to note the temple. Rafters, with easy to access ladders, could become useful should they need to ambush the goblins inside the sanctum. She noticed walkways along the perimeter, wondering what secrets they were hiding. A temple with as much damage as this place-- perhaps there were ways to sneak in from above?

The journal was removed from her pouch again, and another note added to her growing list of plans. Should they have the luxury of time, she'd like to loot this temple for everything it has left of worth. If they were lucky, they'd have more luck in the area of riches than they did in the first crypt they made camp in after the crash.

"I warn you elf, if you are wrong about this--"

"Lae'zel, if I'm wrong about this, then she would have turned by now," Astarion chuckled lightly, "but no, she gets ill from time to time. A bit of a-- oh Gods below, I don't even know if you'd understand this word-- a quirk, as I call it."

"I can hear you," Rose interrupted, leering back at her Githyanki guard, "if you have questions about me, ask."

"Are you often stricken with illness when you scold your subordinates?"

"No."

"So only Astarion, then? Does he make you ill?"

"Yes."

"What?!" Astarion gasped.

Rose smirked as the elf defensively rambled against such slanderous accusations.

Around the corner and down a narrow hall, the three of them found their companions standing between a pair of sarcophagi. The damage to the final resting place of skeletons looked to be done by time, an enemy not even Selune's most loyal clergy could withstand. 

Shadowheart was the first to look over, prepared to address an enemy but relieved that it were her allies instead. "Ready?" She asked the approaching leader. 

Gale hastily shut the book in his hands, tucking it into his bag. His eyes fell to Astarion, warily eyeing the literature-hating elf. 

"Let's go," Rose waved the group to join her as she approached the large wooden door. 

Astarion tapped her on the shoulder, nodding to the corner of the lobby once he had her attention. Barely visible in the standing torchlight was a ladder, leading up to a platform. Where did that go, she wondered? She formed the map of this place in her mind, retracing her steps from Minthara's office to their current location. Out from the office, around some pillars, down a hall-- ah!

"Seems to lead back to Commander Minthara's office," she whispered.

"My thoughts exactly," Astarion smirked, "could be useful to know. Good thing I spotted it."

The creaky groan from the door stopped everyone in their tracks. It opened a crack, letting in the sound of a grumbling voice.

"Let's try this again," the door swung open to reveal a short parade of creatures. A goblin with blue stripes along the sides of his face, yanked a chain in his hand as he walked forward. His garment was decorated with small bird skulls and sharp bestial fangs. At some point, the robe could have been considered a clean sheet of white, but has long since been stained by unknown sources. The symbol of The Absolute dangled around his neck, shining as he entered the torchlit lobby.

"'Scuse us," he made no effort to stop his path, forcing Rose, Astarion, and Lae'zel to step out of his way. 

Behind him was a human man who stared at his bare feet as they stepped one in front of the other. The bruises on his body ranged from the purest of purples to the dullest of yellows, signifying a series of beatings that must have taken place for a few days in a row. When the chain was yanked once more, he stumbled forward and fell to his knees without so much as a whimper.

A broken spirit, housed in the vessel of a broken man.

"Ah damn it," the chain holder turned around, backtracking to his fallen charge.

The last body of this parade was clad in armor, walking behind the prisoner with a spear in one hand and shield in another.

"Spike, ease up on the bastard," he warned, "the drow's gettin' pissy about how long you've been taking, but we don't want 'im dead yet." 

"Wouldn't be takin' so long if the lad would just speak! Come on, get up! On yer feet!"

Shadowheart watched like an instructor, prepared to grade her pupils on their performance after their presentation was through. If the wrinkle in her nose were any indication, it was going to be a poor grade. Wyll and Alfira, by contrast, were not enjoying the show before them. Alfira's hand covered her mouth, but could do little to cover the shock in her eyes. Wyll hid neither scowl nor glare.

"I told you, I don't know anything. Please..." the man pleaded shakily.

The Blade began shifting his way towards the front of the group, gently guiding Alfira and Gale away by the shoulder as he took the spot beside Shadowheart. He beckoned for Rose to look to him, using their tadpoles to transmit his intentions.

A glistening rapier swished through the air, stabbing into the tormentor while Lae'zel and Shadowheart pulled the prisoner away from the guard, who launched a spear at Wyll. Gale and Alfira would step in, casting evocative magic and blasting the guard back while Wyll finished off the goblin in the white coat.

It was the perfect plan.

Except...it wasn't.

The commotion could draw the attention of Commander Minthara and the goblins surrounding her. She was certain that there was another ladder on the other side of that wall. There was also the matter of who else could be in the pits. A druid was a powerful prisoner to hold, whatever security they had left must be keeping watch in there. 

Of course, she could be wrong about all of this. But, she didn't want to find out if she was right.

Her brows lowered, seeing Wyll's hand hovered just over his rapier's handle. While the goblins were distracted, she shook her head.

The prisoner chanced a glance at the audience of strangers as he slowly pulled himself to his feet. Wyll had not dropped his arm, and looked directly at the poor pathetic man. His sympathetic countenance was enough to give the prisoner the foolish notion that he had a chance. 

That there was hope.

"You have to help me--" the prisoner begged, his voice raising as he tried pulling himself towards Wyll, "Please! PLEASE!"

"That's enough from you!" The guard struck the man across the back with the butt of his spear, knocking the wind from his lungs.

Wyll grasped his blade.

"Don't you dare," Rose warned telepathically. Her glare was met with a look of defiance.

"I won't stand here and watch this man be tortured to death!" The Blade of Frontier's voice pierced into her mind. Sharp. Unwavering. She winced from the suddenness of it, though kept her teeth grit in an attempt to keep her face unmoved.

He took another step forward.

"Let me help with that," she spoke out loud, hurriedly stepping around the goblins and firmly planting herself between The Blade and the prisoner. As she grabbed the prisoner's arm, she glanced back at The Blade. While their tadpoles were still connected, she offered a soft "we'll come back for him, I promise."

Disbelief washed over The Blade's face as Rose helped the prisoner to his feet and nodded to the goblin in the robe, Spike.

"N-no what are you doing-- NO!" The prisoner began to scream as he realized his brief flash of hope was nothing more than a mockery.

The armored goblin poked his spear into the man's back, forcing him to step forward. He cried softly as they approached the wooden bridge. Like a bleating lamb going forth to the slaughter. A slow, painful, wonderfully agonizing slaughter.

"Well that was fun!" Astarion grinned devilishly.

She shook her head to clear her thoughts before they got 'quirkier,' as Astarion might put it. She continued for the door, reaching for the iron handle.

"This isn't right!" The Blade crossed in front of Rose, glaring down at her with his good eye.

"Ugh, heroes," the elf rolled his eyes.

"It was too risky to step in," Rose maintained a neutral expression, despite the heat rushing through her blood. She knew it-- Astarion's behavior was starting to be an example of her inability to keep her charges disciplined. One which was being exploited now.

"I truly thought we came to an understanding today," The Blade sighed, his expression dropping.

"We did."

"He was from Aradin's group..." Alfira's small voice reached from behind her.

The two turned their attention to the tiefling. Her gaze was fixed on the empty hallway with glassy eyes and a quivering lip. 

Rose waited to hear more from her. But she remained silent. As if that single line was never meant to slip out.

Perhaps it wasn't.

She scanned the faces of the others. The only other one who looked conflicted was Gale, who stood behind Alfira. Though his expression was tense, he did not look directly at anyone.

The screams spilled into the lobby like the wails of a phantom, coming to haunt them for their complacency.

A single tear ran down the tiefling's cheek as she covered her mouth and gripped the leathery strap which supported her lute.

"I didn't think you'd disappoint me so quickly," the Blade shook his head. He stepped around Rose, marching towards the bridge, "I'm not leaving him."

Fucking Hells.

Gods damn it!

"Wait!" Rose pinched the bridge of her nose, taking a deep breath as she collected her thoughts. The Blade stopped at the edge of the bridge, looking over his shoulder as she spoke up. "We won't be of much use if the horde kills us. Let's figure out how to do this without drawing attention first, deal?"

The Blade crossed his arms over his chest, turning fully to face her. 

"Deal."

Rose scanned over the open scroll of magic that their wizard all too eagerly furled open in front of her. In his same eagerness, he forgot that she wasn't as literate in arcane sigils as him. 

Their plan had to be quick, quiet, and easily covered up. Get into a fight for too long, and risk getting caught by any random goblin wandering the place. Cast too many spells, and draw too much attention to themselves. Typically, a task requiring stealth would be perfect for her. But Gale cautioned that some goblins could be empowered by The Absolute. The uncertainty on which goblins had access to these 'psionics' was enough to force them to be more cautious.

"Can't you cast it quietly?" She whispered as Gale neatly rolled the scroll and tucked it into his scroll bandelier.

"There are some who are more magically attuned with that sort of capability. Sadly, that capability is lost on me. Sadly." Gale informed.

"So then we need some sort of distraction..."

The prisoner screamed reached them more easily, now that they were tucked into the next room.

"We can use his screams as cover for the casting," Rose reasoned.

The Blade shook his head aggressively, "I don't want to risk it--"

"I'll do it," Shadowheart volunteered. "Lady Shar's teachings have prepared me to handle an interrogation without killing the informant."

"Don't revel in his pain, too much," he warned.

"No promises," she smirked. Much to his distaste.

Without darkness to shield them from wandering eyes, Rose and Lae'zel planted themselves in the hallway, monitoring the stairwells for unwanted guests.

The others clung to the wall, watching their cleric go in alone.

"Maybe I'll let my rats 'ave a bit of a nibble," Spike cackled as he turned a hot poker over an open flame, "been a few days since they ate...Still not talkin' huh?"

Deliberately loud footsteps approached the corner of torture. The guard acknowledged Shadowheart with a nod.

"Come to watch?" The torturer asked with a proud grin.

"I'm taking over." Shadowheart declared.

"And why the 'ell would I let ya do that?"

"I heard you contacted a Loviatar priest to aid you. What happened, couldn't afford the services of a Sharran?"

"Couldn't find any."

"Now you have." She extended her hand to take the prodder, "I'll even provide you a free demonstration."

"Ohh, gladly" he placed the cool handle of the prodder into her hand, and stepped aside to watch with curious eyes.

The Sharran took a moment to look over the prisoner, slowly rolling the lengthy metal in her hand. "You'll be thanking me later," she commented, pressing the heated metal into his side.

Gale's incantation was barely audible above the pained screams.

The goblin guard and tormenter fell to the ground before the screaming stopped. The prisoner continued to cry, even after Shadowheart removed the metal from his skin. Through her tadpole, she signaled to the rest of the group that the area was clear.

When she followed Lae'zel into the open room, the smell of burnt flesh overwhelmed Rose. Oh, delicious! It was enough to make her salivate. The exposed melted flesh of the prisoner called to her. She swallowed back her hunger.

"Hey Art-starion," Rose forced a smirk to the elf, "get him down from there."

"One of these days, darling, I'm teaching you how to come up with better nicknames than that," he snarked, sifting through the pockets on the sleeping tormentor. "Weren't you the one who was supposed to-- oh..." his smirk faltered when he looked up at her. She shifted her gaze away, glaring towards the floor. "Well I'm sure I can handle it this time."

She nodded appreciatively, then turned her back on the rest of the scene, refocusing her thoughts away from the desire to sink her teeth into supple flesh. Cooked just enough for taste, but meat left deliciously tender. Ugh, if only those damned goblins didn't ruin him with their reckless torment! Had she been left with him, even for a day, she would've-- 

A hand clasped onto her shoulder, giving it a firm, yet friendly, squeeze.

"Thank you." The Blade of Frontiers flashed a sincere smile at her.

"We had a solid plan," Rose stated nonchalantly, ignoring the dull thudding in the back of her head.

"Well, that helped, sure. But the important part is: you did the right thing."

Rose risked a glance back at the scene. Lae'zel was throwing the snoring goblin into the endless chasm, where he would meet his end. The prisoner was being tended to by Alfira and Shadowheart. The bard had given him her waterskin, which he desperately drank from while the cleric bandaged his wounds, preserving what was left of her magical healing.

The assassin's eyes softened. It wasn't the worst thing in the world: to save a life rather than snuff one out. They were lucky to have the means to succeed.

"What would you have done if I didn't? There was no way you'd have been able to save him on your own."

"When there's a Wyll, there's a way."

Rose's tadpole wriggled with the biggest eye roll that Astarion could transmit to her. Even her own eyes rolled at how awful that pun was.

"I'm going to shove you into that chasm," she teased.

"Not a fan? Hm...Then I will leave it at this: I'm thankful that you Rose to the challenge"

"Change of plans, I'm going to jump into that chasm."

Her hand covered the snerk. The Blade grinned proudly for his accomplishment, going as far as deliberately posing like a traditional hero. To replace the hand on her shoulder was Astarion, putting an arm over both of her shoulders and pretending to be too exhausted to stand upright.

"If we're done here, can we move on?" The elf whined.

"All I had you do was pick a lock," she smirked at his performance.

"And it was soooooooo much work. But I know how much you need me, so, I suppose I can keep going-- just a bit longer."

"How noble of you."

Alfira and Shadowheart helped the man to his feet, staying by him until he was certain he could walk. They watched him find a path leading out of the temple, concealed by rubble. The two looked at each other briefly, with the cleric's brows furrowed in thought. Lae'zel scanned the area for other evidence of the goblins, tossing whatever she deemed so into the chasm. As far as this area was concerned, no one had been here.

They didn't see anything.

They didn't know anything.

And that's exactly what Rose needs Minthara to think.

Next Chapter >>

[lovecraftian-lolita]

What did you think of Lor’s most recent video on lolita rules?

... I think it's ok...

Not great but ok. I think she beats around the bush, the video shouldn't have been 25 minutes long and she still has an editing style reminiscent of 2015.

I think she should just... say more defined rules? There's a reason why it's so strict you know? I'm happy she brought up some of the struggles of people (like me) who don't always fall into the rules (weight, height, etc.) But it's soooo lukewarm...

If I were a newbie lolita, this wouldn’t help. Newbies need strict rules, need to learn before they break rules. Need to understand the fundamentals but they aren't getting that. Nothing was in depth, it was just rambling.

Overall, she could have done better with the audience and reach she has. Shit I'll just make a big list instead of taking old stuff from live journal...

6/10 rating

[bi-moonlight]

.

[ramblingsfromthytruly]

platonic love my beloved

hot take: you can fall in love with your friends too. i don't mean in a friends to lovers or unrequited love kinda way but just... platonic love. society has made it seem that romance is above all else (i'm not shaming anyone for having their romantic love be their first priority, this is just how i feel). i fall in love every time i look at my best friend being the silly idiot she is. it hurts just as much as a breakup (if not, more) when i realize we'll probably finish with school and see each other less and less. i feel like i can't tell her this because she knows i'm a lesbian and might think i like her romantically. like maybe, if she wanted a relationship like that, i would be okay with it, but i can't imagine myself loving her like that, and i don't actively want anything romantic with her. i just like having her in my life and will miss her when she isn't as present in it anymore. i love talking to her when she randomly calls me on the phone, i love hearing about her ramble about her family drama, the cute guy she saw in a mall, or anything really. we have been conditioned to believe there are certain things and actions that only couples can do, and that limits platonic intimacy, and that is why people feel lonely when single despite having great friends and family they love very much. holding hands, sleeping on the same bed, living together, putting your head on each other's shoulders, even marriage! these can all be platonic!! there are other labels for different types of relationships, like homoerotic, friends with benefits, queerplatonic, etc. but why are we trying to fit the label? the label should fit us, and even then, don't get obsessed with the need to name your love, just love. sometimes i just think i'm feeling like this because i'm on the aromantic spectrum (i don't even know if i am) and/or just can't differentiate between romantic and platonic attraction. i mean, despite what i've said till now, even i want a romantic relationship with another girl (or non-man).

summary: i am a confused girl who likes to dump my feelings in youtube and pinterest comment sections instead of picking up my journal lol

[theleatherdragon]

Sorry for the ramblin

Welp, I guess it's time for another dumb journal from me. I've been really dealing with a lot of things and changes these last couple years and I think I'm finally starting to realize my life is shifting.

It's hard to like, I dunno, but when you've been online for 20 years it's kind of wild. For me, I guess it felt like I had to keep doing the same things and the same ideas and be the same person, but that's impossible.

My brain cannot words right now lmao

Anyhoot, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really need to just change and not be scared to change. The things I did 10 years ago, I don't have to keep forcing myself to do them just to appease others. I've let my art suffer so much trying to do what I think people want me to do between raffles and fanart and all sorts of things, challenges, etc.

This past month has been the worst month of my entire life, I literally thought I was gonna die a couple times because of how my body reacted to medicines and stuff. Still don't know what's wrong with me, thyroid stuff, but I think it really kick started my mind into looking back at things.

Like, why did I miss out on so many things because I tried to do projects I had no time for? Then, when I didn't do them in the time I wanted, I guilt tripped myself over and over and put on even more new projects in hopes that I'd do those instead.

I am rambling lmao I don't even care though. I guess I just want to get it all out there, to whoever, why you're reading this who knows. Life is funny that way, ain't it?

But yeah, I just need to start actually letting go of things and move on to new things. I'm tired of trying to pretend I'm into the Skylanders fandom this much. Like, I love the charaters and I love the memories, but this current state of the fandom is so toxic and it really shows. I don't want to be so involved anymore. I'm tired of running my AskSkylandersCynder blog, if you can even call it running anymore. I made that thing 10 years ago and the last 4 years I just don't have any interest, even though I force myself to. It really was the best thing I did at that time but I just need to let it be.

All those challenges and Inktobers and other things, I tried to force myself to do those for other people, not for myself. I just need to stop doing this man, I miss just drawing just because. I guess from the constant moving around in life and being around terrible people irl made me want to hold on to the ideas that I'm helping others online with my art when it probably didn't even do anything.

I'm just tired. And I'm done being tired, I dunno what this second wind is that I got this month but I'm not gonna lose it this time.

I'm still into all my fandoms and stuff of course, and I'm still going to make art for other people. Don't even get my started on Art Fight lmao you better believe I'm aiming for 100 pictures this year. But I'm done forcing myself to feel like I HAVE to do these things. No more to do lists, no more holding onto old projects, no more trying to keep up with things that should have just ended by now.

I just wanna live my life man, I just wanna draw. I never cared about the numbers, hell I've had pageviews and stats adblocked for years now, I really don't care about those. What I care about is making people happy by drawing their characters and drawing their favorite characters. I don't want to be famous, I don't wanna be tied down, I just wanna draw. And I wanna see your art too. I love all the characters and concepts and just ugh I love it, I don't know why.

I wanna be what I wanna be.

I'm definitely done rambling now. Usually I feel bad about it but I just don't care anymore. I'm gonna go work on art now lmao I hope you guys are all doing awesome, and maybe you can figure out life too. Edit: I had some more thinking after posting this while cleaning the house. I also realized that this mindset I put on myself is what made me get so distant from people too. I got too overwhelmed at trying to keep up with so many things that it made me essentially start time travelling where I didn't even consider things existed until they were in front of my face. I've lost touch with so many people out of shame between not remembering and going "tomorrow, for sure." I want to change that too. I shouldn't have let a few bad people ruin everything for me. I got scared of commenting on art because of a few people that didn't deserve my time, lashing out at me for not saying what they wanted to hear. I also got scared of just not fitting in. I have so many compliments and things I wanted to tell people for years but I was just too scared to and I hate that. I'm going to start being more social again with that. I feel like that made me look stuck up or something, I dunno. I'm just so afraid of hurting people about anything when in reality I bet it doesn't even bother them at all. Like how messed up did I have to become that me giving someone a compliment terrifies me into thinking I might ruin their day lmao help

[staghunters]

STAGHUNTERS NEOCITIES WEEE

Figured I should make a new post at this point because the other one is getting too long to keep reblogging. I've been tinkering away at the site and it is shaping up! Here's a lil page by page tour under the cut

you can view the site here!

Splash screen!

It's a little bumper so the css can load without it scrabling the home page. It looks alright, but to add some more text to the image, I have to make a new one in the death screen generator, which is not ideal.

The home page!

I've changed the middle window so it fits in better with the rest. Not very visually exciting there in terms of color, but it is for now the best look imo. Text there is aligned justified, I've condensed it a bit more and added the randomized quote section underneath it instead of it being a seperate window on the side.

To do list needs an update but is still accurate. The team is still there, but on the other side, I have set the blinkies to be a bit larger. The music player has been removed because I couldn't find a way to add songs to it that weren't included on the source site. Snufkin is here now. The webrings will need some more. Retronaut is there, but not functioning as it should. it just forwards you to random sites in the ring instead of where it should be, but I can't find what exactly I'm doing wrong with the code.

Another thing that is not working on neocities itself is the "last updated" part. For some reason it doesn't display there what it does display on my local html. Maybe a bug at neo.

And icons at the top on the nav par! Adds some more flair to the place. The footer has also received a minor update: it now has a sitemap link instead of another back-to-home url.

About!

I'm thinking of moving the small window with the short info to the right, but it is here for now. Links that are web-building related are on the right, also for my own referencing. The essentials lists on the left are hidden on load, but can be revealed by tapping the puttons. The lists are in tree-view and the window shouldn't expand over the cassette image once the construction sign is removed. Speaking of, the cassette has a lil playlist.

I might expand on the info a bit more, but that is for me to ponder. I liked including links to tumblr, the guestbook, and a button in case anyone wants to link my site on theirs.

Writing!

Hasn't really changed much. I've been looking at moving the sidebar info to be in the main section upon load, but idk if that would just make things more complicated. Right now it loads to an empty section there, stuff appears once you click a button. PDF support is only available once I'm a supporter of neocities, which i do wanna do but isn't a priority atm just for getting this part running. The links to ao3 will do just fine for now.

Journal!

The space for my rambling. It can be browsed by entry through the post-it, and all that seems to be functioning alright. Added a kitty and a sticker for decoration. The Stop Making Sense bumper sticker will now load a local video of the performance, but once again I won't be able to add this to the site until I get a supporter thing going. It plays/pauses on click, hehe.

Basement!

Decided to add a page for it. Basic info, schedule, link to the room, my letterboxd, and an overview of past movies. It's a nice spot on the site that is also the most cramped, but I like how it turned out.

BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH

In case any page/url error happens, you can send a movie recommendation to B (their askbox is linked when you open on desktop)

UNDER HEAVY CONSTRUCTION

The art and other pages are very much works in progress. Art can be up and running once I upload art to the site, but I'm not sure if I want to post full pieces here. Maybe I'll make it a space for sketch stuff that I'd otherwise discard.

As for the other page: I might be filing it under the writing page as a section, since the only thing here is WvW atm. It's cool that it has it's own thing, but I'm not sure if something that is basically a fanfic warrants such a space. That, or I keep it and drop all my other-media stuff in here so there's more to look at.

That's it for now! I got some ideas on how to continue, but they're not super-duper set in stone.