#i've already made this joke in tags a couple times but i'm right so

[ghost-in-the-hall]

Fall For Me (Poly! Sleep Token x Fem! Reader) - Part IV

Happy Halloween everyone!! I'm so happy I get to share this all with you today, I was really hoping to get out an update for Halloween 😂😂 I hope you all enjoy, I love reading everyone's comments, thank you so much!! If you would like to be added to the tag list please let me know!!

WARNINGS: None, a fluffy evening with III

Thank you as always to @spookyghostjelly for beta reading, you're amazing and I love you so much ❤️❤️❤️

Part III - Part V

My Masterlist! ~ AO3 Link!

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You stuck close to II's side as you made your way up to the front of the store. Who you assumed was IV peeked out behind III's shoulder, the taller man ushering him to the front. "He's very excited to meet you, he's just a bit nervous." II chuckles. "He has a tendency to get a bit worked up but I promise he's very nice." You step closer to him, a shy smile on your face. He bends down slightly, bringing his face a lot closer to yours as you lock eyes. His gaze was a lot softer than the others but still gave you that same warm feeling in your chest as he studied you.

"It's nice to finally meet you." He smiles, a cheerful tone in his voice. "You guys were right, she is really pretty." What followed IV's statement was a mix of throats being cleared, eyes being averted, and Vessel quickly trying to change the subject.

"I see the two of you got a lot done already, what else do you need help with?" You giggle at their flustered states.

"It's nice to meet you too, IV. Everything just needs to be put away, III's been a very big help." He straightens up proudly at your compliment. You sat on the counter, the four of them rotating to keep you company while the others worked.

"I told you, you just take it easy tonight. We'll handle it." Vessel chuckles as you complain for what must have been the millionth time about how you should be helping.

"Well if you all insist on doing this at least let me cook you dinner." You counter.

"Maybe I'll take you up on that." He smirks slightly before going to help the others. Noticing you were alone prompted IV to jog over.

"Do you mind if I sit with you?" He asks sweetly. You move over, patting the spot next to you. He hops up with ease, even sitting down he still towered over you. "Your store's very organized." He comments, looking out to the other three as they worked, his heels bumping off the counter as he swung his feet slightly.

"Thank you, I try to run a neat ship." You giggle.

"I'm sorry if calling you pretty earlier made you uncomfortable." He shoots you an apologetic and almost bashful expression.

"It's okay." You smile, nudging his shoulder slightly. "I'm happy you finally came by, now I've officially met the whole crew." You joke causing IV to laugh. The four of them finished up quickly, before you knew it you found yourself smiling at the whirlwind of energy that filled your apartment.

"You need any help?" III asks as he leans against the counter.

"You've done more than enough, just relax." The two of you exchange a soft smile. "Also, thank you for fixing me up earlier." You return your focus to what you were cooking, hoping III wouldn't notice your slightly flustered appearance.

"No problem. How's the hand?" He asks as he holds out his own, wanting to examine it himself.

"Barely even feel it." Your breath freezes in your lungs as his fingers ghost over your skin. You glance up at him through your lashes. His blue eyes focused intently on the bandage he was readjusting. His gaze slowly trails up your arm to your face, your heart beginning to hammer in your chest.

"You have something just," he points to the spot on his own face. You attempt to wipe it away a couple times before he chuckles. "Would it be alright if I got it?" You nod. III's warm hand cupped your cheek, his thumb slowly dragged across your skin. "There… beautiful." You couldn't help but blush, your expression causing III to breathe out a laugh as his eyes crinkle in a smile. You jumped slightly as the timer on the stove went off. III reluctantly pulled his hand away, you trailed after his touch, already missing the warmth he provided. "I'll let them know the food's done." He says before disappearing into the other room. It was nice having company for once. Instead of you having dinner alone, your dining room was filled with excited conversations and loud laughter. As you cleaned up that night you almost didn't want them to leave.

"Thank you for having all of us for dinner, that was very sweet of you." Vessel says kindly.

"It's the least I could do after all the work you guys did today." You smile.

"We're happy to help. You've been nothing but kind since I met you. If there's anyone we'd want to help, it would be you." 

"This apartment hasn't been this lively in a long time," you muse with a hum. "It was a really nice change." 

"Well… I have a feeling that this," he vaguely motions to your apartment. "Is going to be happening a lot more often." He laughs as he starts to head out of the kitchen. 

"Vessel?" He pauses. "Did you ever figure out why you think we were fated to meet each other?"

He shakes his head with a small smirk, "no, but I'm starting to get a pretty good idea." You trailed behind him as he re-enters your living room, the hushed whispers of the other three coming to a halt immediately. Vessel eyes them all with a knowing expression. "Alright, we should probably get out of your way. (Y/N), I will see you tomorrow." He bows his head slightly as he heads for the door. II and IV both say their goodbyes and follow him outside, leaving you alone with III.

"I'll be right down." He calls after them. III towered over you in the doorway, looking down at you with intoxicatingly beautiful blue eyes. He leans down to bring him almost face level with you, his forearm resting against the wall as he leaned in close. "Can I take you somewhere tomorrow night? Just you and me?" Despite how confident he was coming off you could hear the slight nervous tremor in his voice.

"What did you have in mind?" Excitement radiates off of him at your response.

"There's a drive-in I saw the other night, it looks like they have some sort of monster movie marathon tomorrow night… I think we'd have fun." You hear II call for him from outside.

“I’d love to go.” His hand slips into yours, tugging you the slightest bit closer. His thumb ran over your knuckles as his gaze trapped you in place.

“Goodnight, doll.” He smiles before suddenly pulling away. “Quit your yelling, I’m coming!” He calls down the stairs to an annoyed II. You couldn’t wipe the stupid smile off your face as you watched them drive away. You grew nervous as the end of your shift ticked closer. Vessel and III slipped into the store right before closing as usual, III giving you a casual wink but not saying a single word. As they both stood at the counter his eyes kept meeting yours, a flustered smile finding its way to your face. The bell rings as Vessel exits the store, III quickly leaning in to whisper something to you. “I’ll be back in about an hour.” He says with a smile before hurrying out after Vessel. You wrapped your jacket tightly around you as you stood outside in the brisk night air. His truck rumbled up in front of you, he immediately jumped out to greet you.

“Hey III.” He sweeps you into a tight hug.

“You ready?” He asks excitedly. You nod in response, he takes your hand as he opens the passenger door of the truck for you, helping you inside. The worn leather seat shook in time with the truck's engine, the cab lit up in a soft yellow glow from the radio. III slid into the driver's seat, his eyes flashing to you as a soft smile lit up his features. He noticed you rubbing your arms, still looking perfectly content despite the weather.

“I brought a blanket in case you get cold, the heat in the truck doesn’t work that well, but I promise I’ll keep you warm.” He chuckles, your cheeks immediately growing warm at the statement. He fiddled with the temperature in the truck for a moment, nothing really changing before he gave up. He groans in annoyance, pausing to think of a solution. He looks over at you, eyes trailing over your much smaller form. He holds one side of his jacket open, beckoning you closer with his free hand. You slid closer to him, his arm wrapping around your shoulders as he pulled you into his warmth. "There, how's that?"

"This is fine." You stutter out, trying your best to hide your flustered state. You found yourself relaxing into him, his thumb rubbing your shoulder languidly, both of your eyes trained on the road ahead of you as you wound through the collage of vibrantly colored leaves. "Thank you for asking me to come with you." You suddenly pipe up. 

"Thank you for coming with me." He responds softly. "I was honestly a bit worried to ask you."

"What? Why?" You ask in a tone of disbelief, a small laugh lacing its way into your words as you slowly start to relax.

"Some random man in a mask comes up and asks you to spend time alone with him-"

"Well you're not some random man in a mask, III." You cut him off, both of you sharing a laugh. You lean your head on his shoulder, "besides, I enjoy your company… it's just nice to have someone that I want to spend time with, I guess." You glance up at him with a coy smile.

"Well if it's any consolation, I think you're pretty great and I want to spend time with you too." You giggle as you feel him nudge your side. You pulled into the drive-in, the teenager in charge of admission was too interested in their cellphone to pay much mind to the man in the mask before them.

"You're all set, man." They wave the two of you through as they take the cash, not bothering to look up from the screen. You pulled in to find the lot nearly empty, a few cars sporadically parked as far away from each other as possible.

"Lucky us, we get a private showing." You say in a giddy tone.

"I'm sorry I can't go get you popcorn, Vessel already didn't want me coming to somewhere so public as it is." You were about to assure him that it was fine, if anything you could always run over to the concession stand to get the snacks, but III never gave you the chance. "Excuse me, doll." He leans over your lap to retrieve something from the floor, his face hovering centimeters from yours, you pressed yourself back into the seat. You weren't uncomfortable being this close to him, but the warmth from his body, the smell of his cologne, you were having trouble thinking. He grabs a backpack from the floor of the truck, setting it in his lap before pulling out various snacks you had witnessed him purchase earlier in the day from your store. You can't help but smile as he lines up each kind on the dashboard. "I wasn't sure what kind of candy you liked so I grabbed a few different ones."

"You're so sweet, thank you." Your eyes meet his, making you feel like all the air has been sucked from your lungs.

"I just wanted to make sure you had a good time." He explains softly. He reaches out, carefully taking your hand in his. 

"How could I not? I'm here with you." The night was perfectly still around you. The faint crackling of the truck's old radio and the slight chill from its sputtering heater were lost to you at the moment. The only thing that mattered in your mind was III; how warm his hand felt wrapped around yours, how your heart fluttered in your chest as his attention dropped to your lips. His head dipped slightly, his warm breath pushing through the mask to fan over your skin, his fingers nervously fidgeting with the edge of the black fabric. You squeezed his hand, letting him know that, whatever was about to happen here, you welcomed it. He hooked a finger into his mask, beginning to pull it away from his face when the speakers suddenly blared to life, startling you apart. Your hand pulled away from his, folding then neatly in your lap as both of you stared straight ahead at the screen. "I'm sorry-"

"No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make things weird-"

"You didn't." Both of you fell silent at your reassurance.

"Can I still hold you? It's nice having you close." He admits bashfully. You nod, leaning into his side. He rests his cheek on the top of your head, his arm sliding back around your shoulders. The two of you sat completely engrossed through every movie; holding his hand in yours as the intense music swelled, giggling at the cheesy yet adorable special effects of 1930's cinema, the evening culminating with you struggling to stay awake as you cuddled into III's chest on the ride home. You sat up and stretched with a groan as you pulled around the back of the store. III's gaze darted anywhere besides you as he fidgeted with his seatbelt. "I had a really nice night with you." He smiles.

"I did too." Your hand slips into his, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Maybe, next time, I can plan something." His eyes finally meet yours.

"Next time?" You could hear the excitement laced in his tone. "Yeah, that sounds great." The two of you sat there for a little while longer, neither of you knowing what to say, his thumb rubbing gently over your knuckles.

"I should probably head in." You say reluctantly. "Goodnight, III."

"Goodnight, (Y/N)." He responds. As you go to get out he gives your hand one final squeeze, bringing your attention back to him. "Wait, can you… this is going to sound really strange, but can you close your eyes?" You nod, keeping your hand in his as you allow your eyes to slide shut. You heard the soft shuffling of fabric before a warm pair of lips pressed themselves to your cheek. The kiss was very brief, you barely had time to process what had happened before it was over. But, it still managed to leave you feeling so warm. A flustered giggle fell from your lips as you finally registered the kiss, squeezing III's hand. "You can open them." You turn to find him smiling under his mask, memorizing the adorable expression on your face. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." You let your eyes wander over his face one last time before getting out of the truck. You jogged up the stairs, fighting with your keys for a moment before managing to unlock the door. You wave down to him as he pulls away. You lean against the door with a sigh as it shuts behind you, absolutely giddy over the fact you could still feel III's lips lingering in your skin. Thinking of the night with him your mind wandered back to the time you had spent with II, the soft glances and hushed conversations that caused your heart to thrum with anticipation. How you currently found a spark between you and both of these men. Groaning, you card your hands through your hair as you shuffle deeper into your apartment. There was nothing you could do but wait to see what tomorrow would bring.

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Tag List: @spookyghostjelly @herripinkle @thepoisonedchalice @saturnhas82moons @wingsofeternitysstuff @creamwhxre @itsyagirl-snowflake @themultiverseofmars @bookishpenguino @m0cha-bunny @coreofpleasure @madsthenightowl @dangerkitten1705 @rainy-darling @shad0wcast @amara-among-the-stars @venuswinnyix @dontpercieve-me-pls @mustluvecho @the-hole-in-terzos-shoe @jumpcauseimfroggy (I think that's everyone, if I missed you, you'd like to be added, or you're one of the few who's @'s didn't work {I can't figure out why that happened} please let me know!)

[alchemistc]

Couched In Metaphor

"You want a beer man?"

Eddie tilts a look over his shoulder, already halfway through the doorway to his kitchen, and Tommy shoots a glance at his watch. "Mmm, no can do. I'm meeting Evan in a bit."

"Is this my cue to act a fool for your attention?"

There's a moment where Tommy wants to double down on defense for Evan, but it's a joke, it's just a joke and if Evan were right next to him he'd definitely enjoy the gentle ribbing. He tries not to examine the immediate desire to defend him too closely. Too much, too soon, it's barely been a few months.

"And he's got jokes, ladies and gentlemen."

Eddie grins: wide, amused. It's what he came for - the chance to get Eddie out of his own head for a few hours. "You guys doing anything special?"

"We're on a mission to pick out a new couch, apparently."

When Eddie stills, Tommy swears it's like he's just been frozen in place; the beer in his hand raised halfway to his mouth, lips pursed, brows raised, a cartoon character stuck in time. He plays it off a moment later, hastily lowering the bottle, nodding. "Don't let him bring a clipboard."

It's Tommy's turn to wrinkle his brow.

"No good can come when that man's got a prioritized list, Tommy, I'm serious."

"So we're ignoring the fact that there's apparently something about tagging along for furniture shopping that just made you freeze frame?"

Eddie tilts his head, squints his eyes, takes a drag off his beer. "That's a Buck and Tommy conversation, not an Eddie and Tommy conversation. You wanna know more about the clipboard, though, I've got about thirty horror stories."

---

"I feel like maybe I've been bamboozled," Tommy says, three furniture stores in. The couch Evan is currently testing is -- just like every other couch they've looked at so far.

"None of them have been right."

He's got that look in his eyes like he's been knocking on doors in a structure fire for too long.

"Are we worried about aesthetics, here, or comfort, or whether or not they fit the space? Eddie warned me about Clipboard Buck but maybe you should pull up your notes app and make a pro con list."

Evan flushes. Darts a glance down at his feet, and his thumbs dig into the seams of his hoodie pocket. "I just thought I'd walk in and find what I was looking for. Sort of thought it'd just - call to me, or something."

"It's a couch Evan, not a lifetime commitment."

And Evan flushes deeper, cheeks pinking, lips twisting. Tommy, who's been hovering nearby while Evan tests out what feels like half a million identical couches, feels himself sigh, bending and twisting to settle next to him, one hand reaching out to squeeze at Evan's knee.

"So it seems like maybe there's a story here I'm not aware of."

It sort of tumbles out of Evan, then, a rush of half apologies and stumbling explanations, and Tommy thinks of the snatches of conversations they've had about their past partners, their admittedly not great parents.

"And - you know, I just thought. I mean. I figured." He gestures, vaguely, and then more pointedly, a glance from beneath his lashes to catch Tommy's gaze as he waggles a finger between the two of them.

Oh.

Tommy waits a beat. Sometimes it's better to let Evan work it out in his own head for a second.

Also, he's - sort of reeling, a bit. Too much, too soon, he'd thought, but here he was, unaware of the significance of being asked on this little errand until he suddenly wasn't, and -

"Sorry. That's - it's not like - anyway, I've clearly put way too much weight into the couch thing, you're right, it's just a couch."

He's been ignoring the urge to curl his fingers around Evan's for the better part of two hours, now. He doesn't question it, usually, but in this specific scenario it's felt too couple-y, too forward, too much like begging a sales associate to make some assumptions Evan wasn't prepared to deal with.

Evan's still twisting his hands together inside the pocket of his jacket, and Tommy makes the snap decision before he can talk himself out of it - two fingers tucking into the pocket, pressing into the meat of Evan's palm, pressing up and pulling without any real force, and it's like Evan deflates, a bit, hand immediately following the soft drag out of the fabric to curl four fingers around Tommy's palm.

"It doesn't have to be just a couch."

---

They have their first fight, navigating the stairwell up to Evan's floor, and situate it in the room in stony silence. Tommy considers leaving, once it's exactly as Evan wants it. He's good at that - jumping ship at the first sign of trouble, and he has to swallow the urge down while Evan glares a hole into the armrest.

He's just opening his mouth to speak when Evan's voice drifts over to him, quieter than he'd expected. "I really don't want it to just be a couch."

And Tommy's never -

He's dated plenty of people - cared for less, and loved very few, but he's never steeped shit in metaphor and he's also never gone from "attracted to the straight guy again" to "this inanimate object is a symbol of our relationship" in -- ever.

"Evan."

There's a flatness to his voice that only ever comes out when he's truly upset, and he hates it, hates that he can just shut it all off. He makes a conscious effort, unfurls the fists shoved into his pants pockets. Tries again.

"We're hiring someone if you ever wanna move that damn thing again."

Evan's smile splits across his face like the sun breaking over the horizon.

---

Christopher eyes the couch with suspicion.

"It's a lot bigger than your old ones," he finally manages, with a shifty glance between the two of them, and Tommy has to remind himself that Evan had gone down a rabbit hole of research trying to find the best way to clean leather once they'd finally gotten over themselves and proceeded with the making up part of their argument.

Eddie clocks the look running across his face, and makes a face at Evan. Evan tucks his tongue into his cheek, but he can't quite hide his grin, and Tommy tries not to imagine the next time they'll need to go furniture shopping.

---

"Can I admit something?" Evan asks, fingers shifting across the expanse of Tommy's chest, head tucked neatly beneath his chin.

Tommy hums, still half asleep, trying to ignore the crick in his neck and the wide expanse of his lower back that keeps sinking into the crack between the cushions.

Evan presses his lips lazily into the side of Tommy's neck. "I actually hate this couch. It's the worst."

Tommy laughs, and laughs, and laughs some more when Evan presses up on his elbow to pout straight into his face.

Tommy can't help but curl a palm around his jaw, ring and middle finger sliding up to cup his cheek, reaching for the marks at his brow. "Can we skip the torture of another horrendous shopping trip and just toss this one to the curb when I ask you to move in with me?"

He only stills for half a moment, eyes already bright and wide and happy before he nods. "When?" he repeats, all puppy enthusiasm as he buries his face back in Tommy's neck.

"Keep it to yourself, though, I haven't decided how I'm gonna ask. Wouldn't want to ruin the surprise."

Evan hums, fingers drifting down his arm, now - it's a familiar, teasing path that always drives Tommy a little wild, and - yep, they skate over his wrist, dancing right along the length of his fingers and down across his hip, little finger spreading wide towards his inseam.

---

Evan breaks his couch the first night all his things have been unpacked.

He makes a little pleased hum, low in his throat, when Tommy pulls up the same site he'd used to buy it, adds three to his cart, and passes the laptop off to Evan for opinions. Curls a warm hand around the back of Tommy's neck, presses his lips to the crown of Tommy's head. Tommy takes a moment to enjoy the feel of it.

"Pick one," he manages through gritted teeth when Evan nips at his earlobe.

"It's just a couch, babe, whichever one you want."

[steddieas-shegoes]

love doesn't wait

for @corrodedcoffinfest prompt 'this one's for you'

rated m | 685 words | cw: implied/referenced sex | tags: famous corroded coffin, side steddie, jeff's love story, love confessions

💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

Jeff didn't really think much about finding love, his focus too honed in on becoming a rockstar for most of his childhood and young adulthood. He hooked up, sure, but it was rare, and never lasted more than one night.

Love was for later, after he had hit singles and Grammy awards and music videos.

But love doesn't wait, and it certainly doesn't come when you plan for it.

Amy came out of nowhere.

She was front row at a show, and Jeff swears the spotlight stopped right on her. Eddie jokes that it was the angels pointing her out just for Jeff.

He managed to get security to find her right after the show, invited her backstage, and they were barely apart ever since.

She was on summer break from college, so she had nothing but time for him for two months.

It was fast, it was a little stupid, and it made him realize that being a rockstar wasn't everything he wanted.

On the last night that Amy would be with him, she stood backstage with Steve and Sam, watching with a fond smile as they performed.

"It's been great being so close to home, Indy!" Jeff yelled into the mic. "If it's okay with you, we're gonna take it slow for the next song. I've got a special someone here with me tonight. She's heading back home tomorrow and I'm gonna miss her pretty bad. This one's for you, love."

Jeff wasn't a big fan of playing acoustically, reserved their slow songs for Eddie's serenading of Steve most nights. But this was his way of saying what he'd already wanted to say for a while, and the guys had supported him.

"You get used to it," Steve nudged Amy's arm towards the end of the song, smiling at her as she wiped tears from her cheeks. "Kinda. Don't know if it's possible to ever get used to being serenaded in an arena full of 15,000 people."

"Yeah. This is a little crazy." She laughed when Jeff finished the song and threw a wink her way. "I don't wanna go back."

Steve looked over at her, curious, searching for any sign of her lying. When he didn't find any, he smiled. "Then don't. No one said you have to go to school right now. Life happens out of order sometimes."

Amy couldn't take her eyes off of Jeff as she nodded. "My parents will kill me."

"I've got plenty of experience with murderous parents." Steve placed his hand on her shoulder, squeezing once. "What you've got here is worth more than their approval."

He walked away, probably to get snacks for the guys ready in the room backstage. They only had a couple more songs before they'd be done for the night.

Amy watched Jeff finish up.

She knew what she wanted. She knew it would be hard to do.

She knew it was worth it.

****

"I'm gonna stay," she whispered to him that night in bed, still coming down from the high of the show and the two orgasms he'd wrung from her so easily. "Can I?"

Jeff's arms tightened around her. "What about school?"

"I can go back in a few years. I don't wanna miss this with you."

"Won't your parents be mad?" He asked, tilting her face up by her chin to smile down at her.

"Yeah. But they aren't the ones who have to live my life. I love you and I wanna be with you."

"You love me?"

She slapped his chest, laughing. "Of course I do! You just sang a song for me in front of a huge crowd after two months of holding my hand everywhere we go."

"Well, when you put it like that..." Jeff rolled over until he was hovering over her, smiling down at the love of his life. "I think it's pretty clear I love you too."

"Maybe you could show me one more time tonight?" She kissed his neck, smiling against his skin as he groaned.

"You're lucky you're so hot."

"No, you're lucky I'm so hot."

[fictionalmenmakemecry]

Fuckin' with the Ecosystem- Chapter 3

Characters: Carmy Berzatto x Reader

Summary: With Carmy receiving Mikey's goodbye letter and you coming to understand the dire financial state of the restaurant, emotions are flying high. The nightmare doesn't let up until Carmy stumbles upon a fuck ton of money which leads him to ask you a very important question.

Warnings: Suicide mention, anxiety, cursing, alcohol.

A/n: This took way longer than I originally planned. This chapter is a long one and there's a lot of emotions. I wanted to make sure I did it right. I'm really enjoying writing this series and honestly I could write about Carmy all day, everyday! I've got big plans coming for this story so let me know if you want me to start a tag list. Please let me know what you think! Any interaction is super helpful for me :)

If you haven't read, here's: Chapter 1 and Chapter 2

Enjoy!

It's Tuesday, and you're very aware of the days slipping through your fingers. When booking your flights, you thought two weeks would be too long but thought it wouldn't be bad to have some left over time to check out Chicago. Now that you're here, you were worried you weren't going to have enough time to go through everything with Carmy before heading back.

You arrive at the restaurant at 9 am to see Carmy already here and the others starting to filter in. As per usual, Marcus has been in since 7am, exploring the world of dessert making.

You take a sip from your hot coffee before reaching over for the leatherbound book on the other end of the desk. You've only flipped through it lightly not seeing anything that would be any importance. But you decided to have a deeper look to see if you're missing anything.

You open it and start scanning it. Each page consisted of a list of numbers with no order or description. Some of them crossed out, other not. The further you studied it, the more confused you got.

Was this the way Mikey was keeping track of this debts? You thought to yourself resting your forehead on your hand as you continued to flick through the pages.

"Carmy" you called out seeing him walk past the office.

He paused and leaned into the doorway, his hair more chaotic than usual.

"Uhh.. you a'ight?" You checking in on him noticing his messy state.

"Y-yeah, good, Why?" He questioned.

You shook your head slightly, remembering the actual reason why you stopped him.

"I'm going through Mikey's notebooks and seeing if there's any notes he may written down, and I stumbled on KBL electric, ring any bells?" You asked moving the book closer to him.

He leans down and furrowed his brows, pausing for a moment. His arm resting on the back of the chair you're sitting on.

"Uhh.." He raised his eyebrows.

His eyes continued to stare at the notebook like his mind was searching for the connection. You noticed his curls sticking up awkwardly and smiled to yourself.

"No...no idea" He eventually said.

You paused for a moment before flicking a couple of pages and point your finger to the same words but with $300,000 scribbled underneath.

"This?" You asked again.

He shook his head and stood up. He had no clue what that was about. Mikey was known for not being clear, but this was a joke at this stage. He made a mental note on how important bookkeeping was going to be when this place got sorted. He was not going to go through this nightmare again.

"Mornin'" Richie yawned strolling by, sporting an original beef zipped hoodie.

"Cousin" Carmy called at him, making him take a few steps back.

You glance up at him and noticed the tiredness still clinging to his eyes.

"Do you have any idea what this is about?" Carmy gestured to the desk looking over at him.

Richie readjusted the strap on his shoulder of his bag and took a step forward. He leaned in, bringing his eyes to the page.

"KBL electric" He said to himself, thinking.

"Fuck if I know" He flickered his eyes and gave a shrug before continuing his way to his locker.

Carmy brought his hand to his forehead, pushing his hair back. He let out deep exhale, continuing to look at the writing in the book.

"Look, maybe I'll come across something else that might give us a hint." You said, tucking a stray hair behind your ear.

"I'll let you know if I see anything else." You brought your eyes back down to the book.

"Sounds good." Carmy stayed there for a beat before going back into the kitchen.

Time goes by, you have no idea how long it been. You hear a light cough and look up to see Marcus.

"Shit!" You gasped to yourself, completely startled.

"Fuck Marcus, a little warning? Maybe a knock?" You said putting your hand on your chest, feeling your racing heart.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you." He smiled looking down at you.

You brought your eyes down to see him holding a freshly made donut covered in icing sugar. He placed the plate on the desk.

"This looks.. unreal" You grinned picking up the donut glancing up at him.

"Yeah, well... I thought if I was gonna to really start nailing this down, I needed to learn the classics first." Marcus licked his lips, waiting for me to take my first bite.

You take a bite, a big one, making sure you get some of the filling. The dough is fresh and pulls away so delicately. Once you get a couple of chews in, the filling hits your tongue. The sweetest jam awakens your tastebuds. You raise your eyebrows out of pure instinct of how unexpectedly delicious it is. You pull away the donut and look at it to see the rich red filling oozes out of the donut. You bring your finger up to it to catch it before any of it drips off.

"Mhhmm...Dahhmmn Marcus." You called out with your mouth half full with donut.

He instantly beams, shining that big bright smile at you.

"Good?" He asked, angling his head.

"Fuck yeah, way better than good!" You complimented.

You lean in for another bite and stop.

"I can have the rest of this, right?" You double-checked looking up at him.

He nodded, chuffed with himself that he could get someone to react to his baking that way. With Syd and Carmy being critical about his previous attempts, he lacked the little bit of confidence.

You take another bite and enjoy the perks of being around a training prodigy of a pastry chef.

"Mmhh you show..mhh Syd... yet?" You asked with a mouthful of donut.

"Not yet.. I don't think I'm there yet. " He shook his head, putting his hands on his beanie.

"Marcus! Nah, I'm changing that." You swallowed and put the half ate donut back on the plate.

"Syd! Sy-" You yelled out leaning out the doorway over his shoulder.

"No, no- needa still fix-" Marcus put up his hands, trying to block the doorway. It didn't take a second before the swinging door opened.

"Yea?" She popped her head out, wondering what the commotion was.

"You gotta try this!" You said excitedly, glancing up at Marcus.

The grin was gone off his face and replaced with a slightly nervous one. You gave a slight apologetic one back, not wanting him to hate you after this. You reached for the donut handing the plate to Syd at the door way.

As she took a bite, you looked over to Marcus, who had his lips pressed into a fine line.

You both watched her, waiting for her reaction. She took a bite and chewed. After a few seconds, her eyebrows shot up, and she continued to feel the donut's texture between her two fingers, as she was eating it.

"Marcus, this is the shit." She looked up finally giving a big smile before giving him a playful punch in the arm.

The tension from Marcus shoulders melted away. He brought his hands up to his head and took a deep breath, a smile appeared on his face.

Marcus was still new to all of this and wanted to learn as much as possible. He didn't want to get too carried away though. From time to time he felt overwhelmed with all the guidance he would get from Carmy and Syd. He wouldn't know how to use that knowledge to make his recipes better. They were already so established in the flavors they liked. He was only starting to understand the basics.

"I have one recommendation, though." Syd sucked her lip in, still tasting the donut on her lips.

"Yeah, of course." Marcus looked at her eagerly, waiting for her response.

"The filling might be a little too sweet." She explained, dipping her fingertip in the red ooze that had spilled onto the plate and bringing it up to her mouth.

"Okay, that's fair" He agreed.

"Do you still have some of it left?" She asked

Marcus nodded looking at her.

"Here, let me show you something." She turns around heading to the kitchen with Marcus following her.

"Marcus!" You called him making him glance back at you.

"I think it was perfect" You grinned mocking a chefs kiss

"Heard" He chuckled, heading to the kitchen.

Before you know it, it's already Wednesday. You can tell that fatigue is catching. You wake up at 10:30am, sleeping through two of your alarms. You groaned out of bed still feeling like you need another six hours before it even makes a dent in your exhaustion. You unlock your phone to a text from Carmy.

Need to talk bills, let me know when you're in.

You check the time of the message. 6:30am

You get to the restaurant at noon and to say things were hectic, was an understatement. You popped your head into the kitchen to hear Carmy yelling orders more frantically than normal. No one saying a word. You noticed the line of tickets stacked up and thought maybe you would wait a bit for it to calm down.

You head to the office to see Richie on the chair scrolling on his phone.

"Mornin' sweetheart" He glanced up.

"What happened?" You asked taking your coat off.

"Sydney fucked up. That's what happenin'. Cousin blew his fuckin' head, told Syd to get the fuck out. Keep away if I was you" He got up and stretched.

"Gotta go back out now and fuckin' deal with this train wreck, fuck me." He groaned rubbing his face.

"Good luck with that," you grinned sitting down on the warmed up chair.

"Gonna need it." He mumbled, making his way back to the front.

You heard the door open and Carmy voice bellowed with anger before the door closed again and it was muffled.

Carmy stabbed the last ticket on the stack of paper and looked up at the clock. It was the fastest four hours that went by. The relief that overcame him knowing that they got through that catastrophe.

"Housekeeping chefs" He announced wiping the sweat off his brow with the back of his hand.

"Yes Chef" They replied as the start to clean up the mess around them.

He made his way to the office to see you sitting there.

"Wha-"

"Don't ask" He stated in the doorway pushing back his hair with both hands.

"Okay" You said taken aback by the bluntness.

He watched you for a moment. You had various bills in front of you. All with the dooming "overdue" print on it.

It was moments like this that he wished he could just walk out. The feeling of drowning in anxiety was unbearable. He didn't have the energy to fight it. He thought about just shutting the place down. Just accept defeat. Try and move on, maybe walk away from cooking for a beat. He would leave Chicago and not tell anyone. Just get away from everything for a couple of months. If he was honest with himself, he didn't even know if that's what he needed. He's been neglecting his needs for so long he didn't know what he actually wanted from life anymore.

You looked up at him after minutes of silence. He wasn't present anymore. He was completely dissociated. You did say anything. You continued to look at the money flow, the account book you put together last week.

"Sorry, I was-" He rubbed his eyes, waking himself up from the negative thoughts.

"Just so fuckin' tired" He mumbled taking another couple of steps in.

You clicked your pen a couple of times thinking about how to phrase the news you had.

"So...What's up?" He asked bringing his full attention to you.

He felt your hesitation.

"That bad huh?" He breathed out.

You looked up to see his face was red and his eyes tired. His hair was wet with sweat.

"Y-Yeah, it is" you pressed your lips together.

You pointed the end of the pen to the electric bill.

"You only have enough money to cover electric bill or your produce order." You said straight out.

"Fffuck," He said quietly, looking down at the bill.

"When does the electric bill have to be paid?" He asked

"In 4 days"

Carmy head dropped, his eyes closed, and he took a deep breath. He wasn't even sure if this nightmare was real anymore. He didn't think anymore shit could get more fucked.

"Carmy"

He brought his eyes to you.

"Let me help," you started, knowing he wasn't going to like what was going to come out of your mouth.

"Let me cover this bill, just so-"

"No fuckin' way. No. " He raised his hand, stopping you in your tracks.

"Bu-"

"Stop, not happenin'." He snapped.

He glared into you, not wanting you to say another word about your ideas.

He couldn't even fathom the idea of you pumping your own money into the place. He's not even paying you. What type of owner would he be - or even a friend? It was bad enough that he had to sell his own sentimental belongings just to have meat to work with for the next day.

"I'll figure somethin' out," he stated.

He sat down at the bench between the lockers. He rested his arms on his thigh, bent over with his head in his hands. Today was.... he couldn't even think of a word. Every time he thinks this place can't go anywhere, it hits a different rock bottom. It's been in his possession for 3 weeks. It'll be closed in the next three if something doesn't change.

He felt a body sit beside him on the bench and gave a side eye. Richie sat next to him. Richie was the last person he needed to talk to right now. He couldn't deal with his bullshit.

Richie leaned over behind the locker and picked up a white envelope before sitting back on the bench. There was a beat of silence between them.

If there was ever a time where Richie felt would be the right moment to give Carmy this. It would be now. He looked over to see Carmy completely defeated and exhausted. Since arriving here, Carmy has put all his energy into this place, and it has fucked him every way possible.

Richie felt relief when Carmy arrived one morning on his doorstep. After the funeral, Richie had chaos released on him. Mikey's family asked when Carmy would come back to take over the restaurant. Sugar trying to contact both of them, to grasp any information on what was happening. Richie didn't know anything and now had to handle taking over the place with no idea what to do. To see Carmy in front of him, he had never been happier seeing him than that day.

Carmy looked over, his face change from fed up to anxious instantly, noticing what was in Richie's hand. Carmy recognized the writing and felt his heart pick up. The writing scrawled on the front with a black ink.

To Carmy,

From Mikey.

Carmy hesitantly took it off of him, not lifting his stare from it.

"What is this?" He asked concerned, looking at Richie.

Richie gestured his hands. He didn't know what to say.

"I don't know," he murmured.

Carmy eyes flickered between the envelope and Richie, not understanding what was happening.

"Richie, wh-what the fuck is this?" Carmy spoke up, grasping the envelope with a firmer grip.

"I don't know..." Richie shook his head gently.

"...And I didn't really want to give it to you 'cause.... it meant he was gone. Um, but, uh..." He broke off, feeling his stomach churn.

Carmy looked at him, feeling pain in his chest. He watched Richie, seeing the grief cascade over his face and realize he wasn't the only one going through this. Carmy placed his hand on Richie leg, Richie brought his arm to Carmy's back and for that moment, they both felt the devastation of Mikey presence finally gone. They sat there for a while before Richie got up, giving Carmy the space he needed.

It ran through Carmy's mind if he should even open the letter. Was it worth the wound that was going to be torn up with reading it. He didn't know if he was going to have the strength to continue today.

He needed to go elsewhere. No fucking way was he having the chance of anyone catching him in this sorry state. He made his way to a side alley next to the building. The cold air hitting his red hot skin making it feel like it was on fire. His heart was thumping. He got on his honkers and stared at it.

Maybe, he should wait til' he's home tonight?

Fuck it, he thought to himself.

He stared at it, in his shaky hands, before taking a deep inhale.

"Stupid" He whispered to himself not wanting to make a big deal out of this.

Even though this was going to be the last contact he was going to have with his brother. It was final. Mikey had the last say. After all the time of Carmy thinking Mikey left him nothing. Somehow, this felt worse because he knew for certain Mikey had this all planned. It made it more real than just hearing about it from people's mouths.

Carmy bit his lip, his feelings whelming up inside, finally it was hitting him.

He flipped it over and start ripping it open quickly.

There it was. Two small sentences in the center of the page.

I love you dude.

Let it rip

His eyes ran over the words again and again. Hearing Mikey voice in his head. Carmy choked back tears, bringing his hand up to his face, his eyes never leaving the words. The lump in his throat became unbearable. He felt his body start to tremble. The pain in his chest became stronger to the point that he held his breath to ease the strain.

After a moment, he took a breath in, feeling agony wash over him.

"Fuck you.. fuck you" He sniffled.

He knew it was going to hit him. It did. This scrap of paper made all the feelings he have been brewing since getting the phone call finally come up.

He took deep breaths and looked up. He focused on trying not to lose it completely. The wave of grief over swept him like he was drowning. The tightness in his chest constricting and releasing.

He flipped over the piece of paper and saw the family's spaghetti recipe wrote on the back. No instructions, just the ingredients. A small smile crept up on his face.

After a few minutes of steady breathing, he pulled himself together. He put the letter into the envelope and shoved it in his pocket.

He went back into the kitchen to see everyone prepping. He noticed Richie's eyes following him as he weaved through the station.

"You a'ight?" Richie whispered, coming up behind him.

Carmy nodded before reaching up for a 28oz can of tomato sauce.

"I'm.. gonna make spaghetti. I need to clear my head for a bit, " he mumbled, bringing it to the countertop.

"Uhh.. okay" Richie hesitated before giving a worried look to Tina.

She shrugged her shoulders making her way to the walk-in.

Carmy knew prep needed to get done but he just needed sometime to turn off his thoughts and get lost in cooking without thinking about it. He wanted his body to go into autopilot.

He added the garlic cloves to the pot and poured in an eye measurement of oil, clicking on the gas ring until a flame emitted on the surface. In another pan, he had half onions getting fried in butter. As they sizzled away, he leaned over to grab a can opener and opened one of the cans before dumping the contents with the onion.

He saw hints of green mixed with the tomatoes and shoved it around to see it was a lump of something. He grabbed it and wiped away the remaining sauce surrounding it.

"There's no fuckin' way" He said to himself tearing off the clear wrapping on the suspicious looking bundle of money. The hundred dollar number facing back at him, he couldn't believe his eyes.

"Cousin!" He urgently yelled not taking his eyes off the hundred dollar notes in his hand.

"Yo!"

"HELP" He shouted back coming to the realization of what might be happening.

You heard the racket from the office, hoping it wasn't another meltdown situation. As you entered the kitchen you saw everyone walk past your with cans and cans of tomatoes.

"Get you ass to work, Chica," Tina grinned.

"What?" You asked, completely confused about what was going on.

"Money." She beamed before continuing her way.

You went to where the cans where stored to see Richie stacking them on a metal tray.

"You're not gonna fuckin' believe this" He snickered.

That evening Carmy gave you the run down of what he thought Mikey did. He showed you the KBL on the lid of the unsuspicious can of tomato sauce. The hint that you were looking for was right into front of you the whole time. Everyone walked past those cans 50 times a day, not blinking an eye. Hidden in plain sight.

For the rest of the evening, everyone got plenty of practice on their can opening skills. Tomato sauce was everywhere. Everyone emptying the cans and pulling out bundles of money. Richie was tallying it up with his calculator. Syd came to join us, completely unaware of the jacket pot that landed on all of you during the day. Carmy spoke to her about what the money could do for them. For the restaurant, and with that, she was reeled it.

Everyone was at an all time high with the sudden change in events, Carmy decided that service wasn't happening for the rest of the day. He knew everyone needed one night of blowing off steam for, hopefully, the new chapter ahead that he had in his mind.

"How many should I get?" You asked dialing the number on the office phone.

"Uh... 10?" Carmy suggested, scratching back of his head.

You order several types of Chicago deep dish pizzas with excited muffled voices in the other room.

You hung up the phone after making the order and looked over at Carmy who was still standing there, dissociated or exhausted or maybe both.

"Well we finally got the hint" You smiled putting the phone back on the desk.

He snapped out of his trance.

"Oh yea, you could say that" He gave a little smile.

You could both hear the happy chatter over in the next room with Richie's booming voice echoing the most.

"My sister, Suga, is coming over."

"Oh that's great"

In the time you were working with Carmy, he would only really bring up Sugar. You knew Mikey existed but Sugar's name came up the most in conversation. You would also see him get phone calls from her time to time.

Richie went to collect the pizzas. You and Carmy joined everyone in the side room. Tina was chatting to Sydney, helping her lay out the long table. Marcus in the corner hooking up his phone with Richie small speaker. Everyone else was scattered around the room talking.

"Hey!" A blonde woman walked in with a big smile on her face.

Carmy instantly drew her into a hug. He leaned back glancing at me before looking back at her.

"This is Suga" He introduced me to her

She smiled over at me and opened her arms to me.

"Oh my god, it's great to finally meet you. Carmy has told me a lot about you over the years" Suga gave me a squeeze before pulling away.

"Really?" You said surprised, not even thinking he would bring you up to other people.

"Same here!" You grinned back.

"We gotta talk later about what the hell is going on" She side mouthed to Carmy before making her way to Tina who was already greeting her.

Richie finally came back with the pizzas and everyone started digging in. You found yourself stuck in a conversation with Richie and Fak

"I swear to fuckin' God it happened" Richie exclaimed telling the story on how Bill Murray is his voicemail.

"I've heard it and it's true" Fak reassuringly nodded at you.

You shook your head in disbelief, knowing it was going to rile up Richie.

"C'mon, you fuckin' believe me, ight?" Richie turned his head to you.

"Well, to be honest, I would have to hear it." You shrugged your shoulders, giving a quick cheeky smile to Fak.

"Fuck it, do you have your phone?"

Fak and I both shook our heads.

"Let me get my phone" Richie felt his pockets trying to place his.

"Hold up" He raised his hand before he walks off towards the kitchen on the mission to find his phone.

As your eyes followed Richie walk out, your sight landed on Carmy sitting at the table talking to Sugar about this evening. You notice his hand was in his hair as he listened to her.

You tell Fak that you're going to get something to drink, asking him if he wanted anything. He said he was good before getting distracted with a song that Marcus had just put on. He boogied his way to Marcus, reeling him in on a fake fishing line.

You made your way to grab a beer out of one of the ice buckets on the table.

"I see you." You hear a voice, and you look down to see Tina sitting at the table picking at her leftover crust.

"Huh?"

She smiled suspiciously before gesturing you to sit down across from her.

"So, how long have you've been..." She rolls her eye towards Carmy at the end of the table.

You glanced over to see him still occupied with Sugar.

"I have no i-"

"Naw, don't play dumb with me. I see the looks you give each other" She narrowed her eyes stilling grinning.

You finally caught on to what she was on about and immediately chuckled.

"Oh no, noth- we're just friends." You smiled, feeling caught off guard on what to say.

"Not in my eyes," she quipped back, taking a drink from her beer.

You looked over to Carmy, and caught him looking at you and immediately took his eyes away. You felt shy all of a sudden. You tried to think back to see if there were any times you and Carmy seemed to be closer to than friends, especially from people looking from the outside in. Nothing came to mind.

"I'm telling you Chica, I'm not judging. Just wonderin' how long has it been going on"

"Well we've never been... together that way" You felt embarrassed explaining to Tina.

She pulled back with her eyebrows raised

"You coulda fooled me" She remarked.

"Here! Here listen" Richie came over shoving his phone in your hand.

You brought the phone up to your ear and on the other end was the voice of Bill Murray.

"Damn," you said to yourself, seeing Richie grin become bigger.

"Fuckin' told you"

You were impressed that you could actually hear Bill Murray and realized that Richie wasn't lying. It's not that you didn't believe him, but maybe didn't take everything he said to heart.

You felt a tap on your shoulder and looked over to see Carmy behind you.

"Wanna talk to you in the office, for a min" He said with a serious tone.

You nodded handing the phone back to Richie. You got up and felt Tina eyes not leaving you until you walked out of the room.

For some reason, your stomach did a flip. What was this about. This is the most relaxed the place has been since you've arrived here. But you could tell Carmy was far from relaxed.

He sat in the chair in the office before leaning over to pull out a foldable chair for you to sit on. As you sat down, you noticed his leg jittering. His inked fingers were tapping on the desk like he was thinking about something.

"Uh.. So I was talkin' to Suga and explainin' everything that happened with the tomato cans and money." He started looking at you.

"She saw all the paper you helped filed and I told her about all the late nights you've been here. Non stop..." He further explained.

As he went on, tension was in the air. You had no idea what he was going on about but him talking more and more made you nervous.

"Carmy" You stated trying to get him to the point.

"Uh.. sorry- fuck" He pushed his hair back and looked down.

"You've been a massive fuckin' help to us. This is crazy to even bring up, so don't worry if you don't wanna..." He continued to ramble.

"I wanna offer you a position here," He finally said.

"What?" You stunned by what just came out of his mouth.

"I wanna offer you a job. I've talked to everyone, and they would love to have you here. It makes sense. You're already caught up on the financial situation, and I trust you."

"Move to Chicago?" You looked down, picking your fingers nervously.

"Uh, y-yeah. I know it's a big ask. I know I still have to pay you for the two weeks, too. But everyone would hate to see you go and-"

"Everyone?" You sputtered out, only realizing after, you said it out loud.

You looked up into his eyes. His blue stare gazing back to you.

"... I w-would, " He stuttered, breaking a small smile.

You felt your heart skip. The thought of moving to Chicago made your stomach flutter. The idea of coming to this place every week made you smile. But most importantly, seeing Carmy daily gave you a weird comfort.

"I have big plans for this place. I would only want people by my side that I know I can count on. One of them is you." He tapped his fingers on the desk lightly.

Your mind went to all the things you would have to start organizing. Your old apartment, moving furniture, driving back to Chicago. It was a lot, especially by yourself.

"I don't know how long-"

"Don't worry, there's no rush. Take the time you need to move here." He scrambled, feeling he was asking a lot from you.

There was a moment of silence between you both. He could tell you were overwhelmed.

"I wanna help you move..." He spoke up, seeing the unexpected look on your face.

".. if only you want," he added not wanting to be too forward.

"Are you sure?" You pressed your lips into fine line.

"Yea, yeah, with both of us, it would be faster. Plus, everyone here could start breaking this place down. " He motioned to his surroundings.

"Look, I'm not asking for an answer now. But, think about it ?" He leaned closer.

You nodded, looking back at him.

Carmy wanted you to say yes. He didn't want to say goodbye. Over the last few weeks, he's gotten used to seeing you. Him going to you moments when he felt everything was falling apart. The rising anxiety he felt imagining you flying off at the end of the week. Him not seeing you come in with coffee for him in the morning. Him making you a quick bite, knowing you would have forgotten to eat all day. In this short period of time, he fell into a routine with you.

The only thing giving him peace was that this place was going to be hectic when it came to renovation that he'll hopefully be too busy to notice you were gone.

"Marcus made us cake! Get some before it's all gone with Richie fat ass. " Tina smirked, leaning into the doorway.

"Go ahead, ill be out in a min" Carmy ushered you away with him staying behind.

"Lovebirds," She muttered, wagging her eyebrows mockingly.

You rolled your eyes, giving her light shove.

Everyone dug into the moist, delicious, double layered chocolate cake. They uttered compliments to Marcus as they took their first bites. It was the perfect thing to end the crazy day. Carmy finally joined you all and picked up a piece of cake that Sydney was guarding against Fak, who wanted seconds.

You both kept separate sides of the room but felt each other's stares. Whatever was growing between each other, you're both hoping it was a wave that would fade away. Just the novelty after not seeing each other for so long. Or maybe the fact that you might not see each other again.

You wanted to think about this straight. It would be easy to get caught up in the fantasy of starting a new life here. You had to think things through, talk to your parents. You knew they were going to question you when it came to your incentives to moving to Chicago. You were apprehensive bringing up Carmy, knowing them hearing a boy's name will ring alarm bells. Did you really want to move to Chicago? Do you really want to commit to a restaurant that doesn't even exist yet? Were you putting yourself through all this trouble just to please a close friend of yours?

These were all questions that were causing you anxiety. You pushed those thoughts out of your head wanting to enjoy one fun night with these group of people that you've become so close with.

"Shots! Shots! Shots!" Richie shouted raising the bottle of Tequila entering the room.

"Here's to a new fuckin' start Cousin!" Richie yelled wrapping his arm around Carmy shoulder pulling him in closer to him.

Carmy grinned, for once giving in to Richie hyper emotions and wrapped his arm around him. His eyes travelled across the room and landed on you. He gestured for you to come over. Richie was pouring shots for everyone. Even if you didn't want one, it didn't seem to be an option.

"I just wanna say.. that I know the last month has been hell" Carmy spoke up bringing the attention to him.

"But, this is the beginning of something bigger than all of us and I know we'll be able to pull it off..." He glanced to everyone holding his cup of tequila.

"So let's make this place something we're proud of...." He paused bringing his cup up.

"and let it rip" He announced

Everyone brought their cups together before downing the tequila.

Chapter 4

Masterlist to other fics

[eldaryasharbinger]

MCL New Gen Ep 5 Review

Played the episode last friday and finally I'm sharing my thoughts on it (hopefully I still remember what I wanted to talk about...)

Since the episode is out for everyone, I will go straight into it so no spoiler free version this time! (still adding the cut cause this is a long post...)

I'll start by saying that this episode felt somewhat "empty"? I'm not sure if it was me playing it in a rush before leaving for the weekend but there really wasn't much going on?? at the same time the more I think about it the more I think it was just me lol

This time I didn't stop to take many screenshots cause again, I didn't have much time and I'm still not sure about how long it takes to play each episode, I only took a couple that I thought were intresting enough to share

This was of course very very important, as many of us were wondering about it, if it was actually poliosis or just idk design I guess

Turns out that whoever came up with this theory first was right! Love to see that especially after his reaction and expression during this scene, I'm sure there's more going on!! (if it ends up that we never talk about it again I'll just turn to dust)

SECOND VERY IMPORTANT THING HERE TOO!!

Some people thought that Jason came from a rich family, turns out that wasn't the case! I'm not really surprised since I really wanted him to be "self-made", like some ordinary guy that now got this horrible rich-person personality, he already looked like that to me so all I needed was confirmation!

----------

Now I want to talk about our interaction with Jason... I'm so so happy about it I kept giggling while playing lol

I could feel Candy's stress like it was my own because I've been in a similiar position back in april and It made me cry in front of 2 of my co-workers, only diffrence is that candy made a big mistake, I was too prideful to destroy my work for the client's ALWAYS changing "preferences"(?) (also I recently completed it, I just swallowed my pride and the client actually forgot about it so they didn't care as much and didn't remember what they wanted at first,, the audacity,,)

I'm not sure how everyone else feels about it (I haven't checked tags yet,,) but it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO weird to me that Candy accepted Jason's offer to do HER job for her? I could understand a little help but Jason literally got her everything, all she had to do was call these people? I don't get how she didn't feel more guilty about it, isn't it like cheating in a way?? Jason isn't just this random guy helping us but the RIVAL COMPANY doing our job?? What was the point of calling us for the job if Goldreamz did it in the end, they just don't know

Everyone else congratulating her on the well done job too... I was dying inside I hope Candy was too, I felt so guilty replying "thank you" to Devon's text about the little gilr's birthday party like,, the f did candy do??

Now... I love that Jason helped her, I wasn't expectin him to do THAT MUCH (it still blows my mind) but I really loved how kind of non-chalante he was trying to be?? Also, Candy said a couple of weird things while joking to which Jason replied so bluntly but also what surprised me the most was the fact that he replied at all?? Like if I'm not mistaken, his dad died when he was a teen or something, and he just told her that? he shared something personal about himself like that??!! Mentioning the poliosis too and how it's hereditary, he just told her about it?

To me that sounds like a big deal because usually you wouldn't expect someone like Jason to share personal details to some random girl he wants in his bed once, so that leaves us with one true conclusion

he loves candy already and really wants to get to know her, so maybe he feels like he has the need to tell her more? maybe I'm just running with my mind again but I think this could be what we could expect in the future?

The illustration is absolutely GORGEOUS, I've already made an edited version with Petronilla here!!

I just really love Jason's expression, he's so pretty he's so beautiful,,,,,, I can't wait till we get more ;w;;;;; I could stare at him all day and I probably will end doing that at this point

ALSO!!!!! I GOT AMANDA'S ILLU WITHOUT SPENDING MORE GEMS!!

They're both so pretty, this illustration was finaly crafted I can see that, just look at all the details!! Girls having fun!! They might kiss each other!

This time I didn't pay for her special scene because I want to save up on the gems,, (I did get Jason's tho)

Not sure if I unlocked it as a bug, during the episode I unlocked it like normal but in the library it has the locked icon?

Still, bug or not I don't care cause I LITERALLY CHEERED when I got it, I wasn't sure I was gonna get it if I chose to work on my own (to meet Jason) instead of asking her for help, I apparentely made the right choices (I winged it after seeing the illu online) and THANKFULLY the outfit was the same one as Jason's!

I think I've said everything I had to, or better to say "all that I remember", I'm sure there's more from this episode to address that I forgot about so If anything else comes to mind I'll make separate posts about it!

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading!

edit: I am not proofreading all that

[dnpbeats]

emma i need to confess something any theory about dnp fucking other people pisses me off

anon i'm gonna put about twenty disclaimers on this bc i'm not trying to start discourse but i must say i agree 😭😭 TO BE CLEAR at the end of the day we don't know the ins and outs of d&p's relationship, and we never will. as dan said in BIG ppl want to know who he's fucking when he's fucking them and how long he's fucking them but that is not our business to know!! so i acknowledge that my thoughts on this are my thoughts and they come from a place of personal bias and projection! so if u disagree that’s okay!! okay anyway:

yeah lmao i get that i honestly don't think that they are in an open relationship for a variety of reasons. like logistically speaking it'd be difficult (espc before they were out) and we at least know phil doesn't like one night stands, so it's not like they're perusing grindr every day looking for someone to hook up with. but also like all the swinging jokes are what make me be like yeah they aren't doing that bc if they were i don't think they'd joke about it sm bc i think it would hit too close to home 💀😭 also, i think people read too much into some of dan's comments during WAD. like i get it, yes he likes making horny jokes, but i dont think it's that deep. like even if he wasn't with phil/was in an open relationship, he wasnt being serious when he said cute mutuals slide into my DMs yk 😭 he's always made jokes about being thirsty it's nothing new. also he himself said that all his thirst posting were jokes*! and other reasons too like how jealous dan gets 💀💀

but i also think people have only one interpretation of what he says sometimes, for example him saying things like this: "This is my hot boy autumn right now and I am very much enjoying, for the first time in my life, being free and out and in the world, being able to actually talk about things, being honest, being able to go out and have fun." which, if you want to interpret that as dan saying he's getting dicked down every night of tour, that's your prerogative! but i do not think that "being free and out in the world" has to be about sex, like there are so many layers to that! i just take it to mean like being able to live authentically and exist as a gay man in public yk?

ive said this a couple times in tags on other posts, but i think that sometimes (not all the time!!) the reason why ppl come up with open relation theories is because it's already a given that d&p are together. like in 2015 you could theorize "are they gay are they in a relationship" because it wasn't explicitly stated by them. but now that they're explicitly gay, and anyone reading between the lines can see that they're together, you can't really "speculate" on phan. so, the next progression is to speculate on the exact nature of their relationship: is it open, are they in a qpr, etc. so anyway yeah that's my two cents 😭 if someone thinks they're in an open relationship that's fine pls don't come for me 😭😭

*I CANT FIND THE SOURCE FOR THIS but i know he said it bc i've referenced it before, when i eventually find it i'll put the link 🙏🏻🙏🏻

[pavaal]

mari mobamenco masterpost

unlike most of the masagoto conversations, a lot of these were not retranslated because i no longer have the original japanese, but i just wanted to compile them! i did find a couple things that i never translated that were sitting in a word document so those are new, but mostly they're just cleaned up to make them easier to understand and less clunky to read.

my next plan for translation stuff is to tackle the mini-dramas in yomecolle! i have some of the cards already translated in my tag, but there are a few things i skipped, and i'd like to put together a proper script for the cards where masayoshi and goto were specifically talking to each other. after that, i bought some magazines that i'd like to translate the blurbs from!

for now, enjoy mari+masayoshi and goto+mari having inane chats about nothing.

MARI+MASAYOSHI

Masayoshi: When you’re trying to persuade someone to do the right thing, you absolutely can’t give up! Mari: That’s sooo boooooring. Masayoshi: I’m sure everyone could understand each other if we just tried to communicate! Mari: Well, I’ll leave the talking to you!

Mari: Omawari-san wa inu ~ ♪ Masayoshi: What are you singing? Mari: "Inu no Policeman!" It's my new song. Masayoshi: It's… interesting… Mari: It's good, right?

Masayoshi: You're very cat-like. Mari: You think so? I guess I've worn cat ears in promos and things like that. Masayoshi: Now that I think about it, you were such a kitten when we first met! Mari: Are you trying to give me a compliment? (Another one that needs some explanation. Masayoshi says that Mari was 猫をかぶってた, which literally means "wearing a cat [costume, in the case of Masayoshi and Mari's first meeting]" but has the idiomatic meaning of something similar to "a wolf in sheep's clothing." Masayoshi accidentally (?) said that Mari was only pretending to be sweet, but he literally meant that she was dressed as a cat.)

Mari: I heard you refuse to use an umbrella. Masayoshi: Actually, there's a very profound reason for this… Mari: That's okay. I don't need to know. Masayoshi: If you're going to bring it up, please listen until the end.

Masayoshi: What are you doing? Mari: I’m preparing outfits for our police friend~ Masayoshi: Oh… Goto-san would look good in this one! Mari: Right?!

Masayoshi: Cats are pretty cute, huh? Mari: Oh, are you a cat lover? Masayoshi: No, I actually prefer dogs. Mari: Yeah, I can see that… you do seem like a big puppy. Masayoshi: D… do I really come off that way?

Masayoshi: What do you like to do in your free time? Mari: I like to cause a little trouble! Masayoshi: Can you really call yourself a hero with an attitude like that?! Mari: It was a joke! A jooooke!

Masayoshi: It's dangerous for girls like you to go out alone at night! Mari: Don't worry! I mean, I save YOU all the time. Masayoshi: Um, that's a different issue entirely. Mari: Anyway, let's make this city safe for everyone to go out at night! Masayoshi: Yes… you're right! Let's do our best!

Mari: I need some advice! Masayoshi: Yes? What is it? Mari: I don't know what kind of attack to debut next. A taser? Blunt force? Or maybe… an explosion would be best? Masayoshi: Um… I'd like to recommend something more gentle…

Mari: I've been in a great mood recently! Masayoshi: Me too! Mari: I wonder if it's because I got to see a certain officer the other day…? Masayoshi: I also saw Goto-san a few days ago!

Mar: I've been in a great mood recently! Masayoshi: Oh, really? Mari: Yeah, I kind of feel like… maybe I'm the most important person in the world? It's like I can do anything!

Masayoshi: Last night, I dreamt Goto-san made me curry. Mari: Huh?! Invite me next time! Masayoshi: But it was only a dream… Mari: Yeah, and I wanna have this dream too!

Mari: What type of person is that policeman interested in? Masayoshi: Goto-san? Um… His girlfriend, and people who email him a lot, I suppose… Mari: So I'll start by sending him 100 emails a day! Masayoshi: That'll just make him angry!

Masayoshi: I'll take care of things here! You go ahead! Mari: Huh? Isn't that what a sidekick would say? Masayoshi: No way! It's a hero's line! Mari: Then… I'll take care of things here. You go ahead, junior!

Mari: Do you have many friends? Masayoshi: No, not really. Mari: Is that so? Masayoshi: It's hard to find people to share my hobbies with. Mari: I hate to say it, but I know that feeling…

MARI+GOTO

Mari: I wanna eat your cooking. Goto: Anything in particular? Mari: Anything that you make is fine by me! Goto: Then I'll heat up some instant curry later. Mari: You know, when I said "anything," that wasn't exactly what I meant…

Mari: Who do you like more, me or Samumenco? Goto: I don’t like either of you. Mari: Then… who do you like more, Samumenco or your girlfriend?! Goto: Huh? Why wouldn’t I pick my girlfriend?! Mari: You hesitated just now! Goto: I didn’t hesitate!!

Goto: What do you do in your spare time? Mari: I don't actually have that much free time… I have to compose songs, learn routines, things like that. Goto: Right, your job keeps you busy. Mari: Lately, I've also had to prepare a variety of uniforms for you! Goto: I never asked you to do that!

Mari: Now that I think about it, I had a bounty on my head too, didn't I? Goto: Yeah, when everyone was running around for information. Mari: Honestly, the amount was way too low! Goto: THAT'S what bothers you? Mari: It should've been 100 million, at least!

Goto: I haven't been able to take a break in forever because of you guys. Mari: Got it! Let me apologize by taking you on vacation! Goto: What kind of vacation would THAT be?!

Goto: What do you think about getting cosmetic surgery and stuff like that? Mari: Ick! I would never. Goto: That's actually quite sensible of you. Mari: It's because my body is already 100% perfect!

Goto: Being an idol seems really busy. You must be exhausted. Mari: I find a way to make time! Goto: Don't you ever sleep? Mari: Well, you know, in meetings and stuff. Goto: Don't do that!

Goto: Do you even have a license? Mari: Of course! Goto: For driving? Mari: Yeah! My most recent driving instructor even said that my driving was the best it's ever been! Goto: Somehow… I feel bad for him.

Goto: You and Masayoshi kind of have similar tastes, huh? Mari: What do you mean? Goto: Like your costumes, for example. Mari: Don't be stupid! My costume is ten thousand times better than his! Right? Goto: …no, they're pretty much the same.

Mari: Omawari-san wa inu ~ ♪ Goto: What are you singing? Mari: It’s my new song—“Inu no Policeman!” Goto: Huh. (There’s no way it could be about me, right?)

Goto: What is it about me that makes freaks like me so much? Mari: You’d call me a freak when I'm standing right in front of you? Goto: Ah… sorry. I was thinking about Masayoshi. Mari: So you totally ignore that I like you too, huh…

Mari: Don't you want to join us heroes? Goto: I'm already a cop, so that's like a hero of the common people. Mari: Well, the uniform is good, but it's a little plain… Goto: It's plain work, supporting society.

Mari: Hey, officer? Where can I buy a gun? Goto: No way. Don't buy one, don't use one, don't even WANT one. Mari: Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say… I guess I'll just have to use my shock baton and explosives! Goto: Don't use those either!

Goto: Whenever you get photographed as Flamenco Girl, you always face the camera and strike a pose. Mari: Of course I'm gonna pose for the camera! Goto: I guess that comes with being an idol. Mari: No, I've been this way since I was a little girl!

Goto: Do you want to see a movie sometime? Mari: I've only got the Red Axe movie, but guys like that, right? Goto: Why do both of you only have these hero show theatrical releases…?

Goto: You and Masayoshi both live in really nice places. Mari: Why don't you spend the night sometime? Any time you want is okay with me! Goto: Absolutely not.

Goto: Ever since I met you, it feels like it's been nothing but losing tickets. Mari: You don't think meeting me was like winning the lottery?! Goto: No, it was more like blowing my savings on nothing. Mari: You're supposed to be happy we met.

[thelastofharrington]

the hard with the soft

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

A/N: hello! this is my first joel fic that i've ever written! i'm really excited about it and made this whole blog just to post it lol. there is plenty of smut in this so mdni! let me know what you think :)

summary: Falling in love with Joel Miller was something that happened to you little by little, and then all at once. To say the chemistry was immediate would be a complete lie. At first, you couldn’t even tell if he wanted you around, let alone wanted you in his bed. No, when he rescued you that day from one of Bill’s well-laid traps, you were certain he would never see you as anything other than a nuisance. A pest he had to take care of. 

Oh how wrong you were.

tags: praise, porn with context, slow burn, mutual pining, joel is soft on the inside, reader is down bad fr, non-canonical, rip bill and frank, takes place a year/two years after the show starts, love in the midst of an apocalypse is beautiful y'all

word count: 7k

i hope you enjoy!!!

Part 1: The Stumble, 1 Year Ago

You were hungry. Starving, even. You had been left behind from your group of outcasts three days ago (or had it been four? You were too exhausted to keep track of the time) when you twisted your ankle and couldn’t keep up the pace. You weren’t overly friendly with your most recent pack of ragtag survivors, mostly seeing them and each other as a mere means of survival rather than company. You hadn’t known friendliness or love from your packs since your parents got bit five years ago. Your parents couldn’t have known that three years after they brought you into the world it would fall apart, nor did they know they would both die protecting you from that same world they blindly brought you into. It’s been hard, but you’ve made it through and it actually was your birthday this week, the big 24. What a way to celebrate – being abandoned by the only thing keeping you safe and becoming walking bait for any clickers nearby. But still, you had fairly good spirits all things considered. Until you fell into an eight foot hole. 

It was in this hole that you realized a couple of things:

You’ve stumbled upon a domesticated piece of land. Someone somewhere near had the time, safety, and resources to dig an eight foot hole. 

If your ankle wasn’t sprained before, it was definitely sprained now considering how you landed on it.

You might have just fallen into your grave.

It was a series of progressively worse realizations, to say the least. 

Time had already felt like a concept out of your grasp for the last 20 years, but now there was truly no way of knowing if you had been down there 20 minutes or two hours when a shadow was cast on you. A man-shaped shadow. A man-shaped shadow with a gun. 

The gun was pointed right at you, the sun casting a halo around this giant man’s head. He towered over you as he held his stance firm and still. No one said anything as you both stood, unwavering. 

“I come in peace?” You finally choke out, unsure of what you could possibly say to save your own life right now. 

He doesn’t move, just croaks “How’d you find this place?” You notice the fragments of a Southern accent, nearly lost to the wear and tear of an apocalypse. 

You clear your throat and try to muster up the courage to speak with conviction. “My group abandoned me when I twisted my ankle early this week. I’ve just been aimlessly wandering.” You pause, unsure of if the next sentence will be your last, “This ankle of mine really hurts by the way. Your hole here isn’t really helping, considering I landed on it.”

You see him move his head out from behind the gun and look down at you slightly, then he moves back to position. “Are you armed?”

“No, I’m barely legged.”

He does not laugh.

“That’s something we call a joke, you know, since I can barely walk and all.”

His weight shifts again and he finally puts down the gun. “I’m going to help you out, but after that you better see yourself out of here. I don’t want any more of this and I don’t want any of your friends wandering this way either.”

“I don’t have any friends. I don’t have any family. I’m just me.”

He scoffs, “Sure, kid.”

“I’m also not a kid. I’m 24 years old and I’m hungry and my ankle hurts and why do you even have this hole anyway?!” You notice yourself turning hysterical but you don’t even care. You’re unarmed and you’re hungry and you’re all alone for the first time in a very, very long time. This man holds all of the power to help you and you’re not going to give up until he does. 

He doesn’t respond immediately, but when he does it’s in the form of him reaching down into his utility belt and pulling out a rope, and throwing you the other end. “You get one meal.”

You didn’t even know a meal was on the table, so you hobbled your way behind him as fast as you could. You ended up at a white, well-kept house behind an industrial strength gate. “How the hell did you find this place?”

He doesn’t answer right away, making you worried that you said the wrong thing somehow. Finally, when you’ve reached the front door, he huffs “It belonged to a friend.”

================================================

Part 2: The Fall, 6 Months Ago

That one meal turned into two days which turned into a week which turned a month which turned into six. You owe most of your thanks to Joel’s 14-year-old companion (contraband?), Ellie. She was instrumental in convincing Joel to allow for you to stay. If it weren’t for her, the first dinner would have easily been your last. But she was so taken with you and excited to have another girl let alone someone under 30 hanging out with them. Not that she didn’t adore Joel, or him her in his own little ways. But you were just such a breath of fresh air to her that Joel couldn’t help but allow for you to stay. 

Your role in their little group wasn’t quite clear. Joel did all of the hunting and patrolling necessary to keep this little slice of paradise exactly that, paradise. Ellie’s only job was to stay safe, and you decided to pick up the slack wherever you could. Dishes, clothing repairs, cooking dinner. Ellie didn’t need a nanny by any means, but you basically became a live-in housewife. With none of the perks, despite your daydreaming.

The last six months had been tumultuous for you to say the least. The presence of Joel constantly by your side made a lot of things very difficult. Like focusing, or keeping the weakness out of your knees, or the heat out of your dreams. He was hot, there was no denying it. If he hadn’t been waving a gun in your face the moment you met, it probably wouldn’t have taken you until the end of your first dinner to realize this. But not only was he hot, he was stoic. He was still and firm, a guiding light in this uncertain world you and Ellie both came of age in. He had a cold exterior, but judging by the way he treated Ellie, and eventually you, you knew there was some warmth bubbling beneath the surface. You knew he carried immeasurable hurt on his back, Ellie had told you about his daughter, Tess, Bill and Frank, and that was only the things Ellie knew. Who knew what was in the even further past of this sturdy man. The big, beautiful, brooding man who took care of you and Ellie despite his best instincts. 

You had only very recently gotten over your sprained ankle, taking a full 12 weeks to heal from the severe sprain. This was another saving grace for you in the beginning. Joel liked to pretend that he was heartless, but he still didn’t have the heart to send you on your merry way with only ¼ of your appendages working to their full capacity. He tried to kick you out after your first dinner despite Ellie’s whining, only to be able to only stomach three of your hobbling paces out the door. 

“Oh for God’s sake get back in here why don’t ‘ya,” You remember him sighing.

He took such good care of your ankle, at night when you’re all alone you can still feel the way his calloused fingertips massing you so gently. The hard with the soft; the essence of Joel Miller. 

“Does this hurt?” He asked four weeks in, as you sat for your nightly ankle exam. Starting your very first night, after dinner he would take your foot into his lap and exam it and massage it carefully for upwards of 15 minutes. You weren’t a doctor, but you knew enough to know that a nightly exam was excessive and unnecessary. But even at the very beginning you knew this was his way of showing you that he cared, that he wanted you safe. It was around this time that you realized that Joel had a soft spot for stragglers, for the outcasts who just needed somebody. Between you and Ellie, that much was clear, and it just made you fall faster for him than you thought possible. 

This realization and the true weight of it didn’t come to a head until one day where you decided to go out and try and collect some berries from the woods on the other side of the gate for a pie you wanted to make Joel for his birthday. You had seen him do it a million times, you thought you could get away with it. Until you heard that sound. 

Everything was fine, you had collected your blueberries and you were on your way, and then you heard it. You hear it before you see it, but soon enough you see it all the same. You had your gun with you, but your reaction time was nowhere near as fast as Joel’s was. The clicker starts stalking your way when you lose yourself to your impulses and just start running. You know better than to scream, but you get close. You run and you run and you’re looking back to make sure you’re not going to get caught when you smack into something six foot and massive. Joel’s chest. After you make eye contact you look up and make eye contact with him. He’s silently fuming, fists white knuckling around his gun. 

You go to speak when he stops you, “Don’t.” He whispers right before he shoots the clicker dead with no hesitation or struggle. The walk back to the house is silent, and not because he’s afraid of being found by the clickers. 

The slam of the front door is the first sound you’ve heard in minutes. He whips around and you swear you can see smoke coming out of his ears. “What the hell was that?!”

“I-” You start.

“You know what? I don’t want to know. I can’t hear from you right now.”

You say nothing.

“That was so completely careless! Do you not understand how we do things around here? You stay, I go. It’s as simple as that.” He’s pacing at this point, waving his hands wildly as he works through his anger with you. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

You pause, “I thought you didn’t want to hear from me.”

He stops pacing and looks at you, “Ha ha ha very funny. You’re a real smartass, you know that? If I hadn’t been there God knows what would have happened. You could have gotten killed!”

You look down at your feet, trying to hold back tears before you look back up. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to do something nice for you.”

He sighs, physically decompressing. “Well you went about it all the wrong way. I don’t need anything nice from you, you do enough around the house and with Ellie anyway,” He pauses, “I don’t know what I would have done with myself if you had gotten hurt.” He says this last part in a whisper under his breath, barely able to look at you.

“But it’s your birthday!” You choke out a sob. You’re so mad at yourself for putting yourself in danger and upsetting the man who saved your life six months ago. 

“What? No it’s not.” He says, confused.

Then, a lightbulb goes off for both of you as your jaws drop and you yell in unison, “ELLIE!”

Turns out, Ellie just wanted some pie.

================================================

Part 3: The Catch, Present Day

A lot can change in six months. But also, a lot can stay the same. You’ve grown very accustomed to the life you live here, in this big beautiful house, with your small makeshift family. Ellie is 17 now and makes Joel take her on test drives in Bill’s old truck around town. Joel has definitely gotten used to having you around, and even converted Frank’s old studio into a bedroom for you a couple of months ago. A real upgrade from living on the couch for the first eight months. 

Life is pretty standard, all things considered. You’ve heard more stories about the men who ran the house before you and you think they’d be happy to have people like you living a life like this in the home they built together. It’s a beautiful thing, to have some normalcy in a world fallen apart. 

You spend a lot of time with Ellie, who has developed a crush on one of the QZ traders. She’s tall and lean and tougher than all hell, you can see what Ellie sees in her even if you’re personally afraid of her. This realization on Ellie’s part has prompted a lot of impromptu sleepovers in your art studio turned bedroom, almost all of which are ended by Joel standing in the doorway going on about keeping quiet out of respect for your elders. You have to remind him every time that you too are an elder.

It’s also the summer time which means there’s lots to do outside. You never really learned how to tend to a garden so Joel’s been teaching you how to take care of the one Frank started all those years ago. You two keep it up with the seeds you get from trading with those select few still at the QZ, and it’s been a really special time between the two of you. It also doesn’t hurt that he prefers to work in the garden shirtless. 

“Hello? Hello? Are you even listening to a word I’m saying?” 

You snap out of the trance you were in from watching him hoe or row or whatever it is he’s doing with that gardening tool that makes his arms and back look like that. “What? Sorry, I zoned out.”

“You’re never going to learn if you keep daydreamin’ like that.” He gruffs before starting his spiel on strawberries all over again. 

You really can’t get a read on him. Sometimes he treats you as an equal, someone who has a shared interest in their work and in the safety of Ellie, but other times he treats you like you’re a toddler that can’t help but knock their head on the corner of a coffee table. He claims it’s because he doesn’t want you hurt, which you admit gives you butterflies, but if anything between you is ever going to transpire (like you desperately need it to), he can’t see you as just some kid. You’re turning 25 next week, dammit. You deserve some respect. But you’re just not sure how to get it, how to make him see you as a true equal. Someone he can rely on, put his faith into, and even care about on a deeper level. 

The opportunity of a lifetime presents itself one day in the form of something actually rather unfortunate. Joel finally gets hurt.

It’s a pretty normal day until then. You and Ellie practice driving, you journal, listen to some old records. It’s too hot to spend too much time outside, but you definitely make sure to check on the strawberries considering the lecture you got from Joel last week. It’s midafternoon when he comes straggling in, clutching his left arm in his hand and seething through the pain.

You immediately jump up from the couch, “Oh my God, what happened?”

He sinks down on the chair next to the piano, not looking at you. “Nothing, just go get the first aid kit.”

That answer is nowhere near good enough, but you go and get it anyway. Ellie is out in the backyard and doesn’t hear the commotion. When you return with the first aid kit you press on, “You have to tell me what happened so I can know how to treat you.”

He shifts uncomfortably in his seat as you kneel in front of him, opening the kit. “It’s nothing, just gonna need a couple stitches.”

You pry his right hand off his arm and see a deep gash on the bottom of his forearm. It’s not too long, but it sure is deep. “Jesus Joel, what the hell happened?”

He shifts and sighs once more, whispering something under his breath that you can barely hear.

“What was that?” You ask earnestly.

He whispers again, slightly louder this time, but he’s talking too fast to make out what he said. 

“Joel, come on. What happened?” You’re tending to his wound now anyway, but you really do need to know. 

He sighs, bringing his free hand up to pinch between his eyes. Avoiding eye contact with you he finally says, “I was walking back from trading when I saw a flower. I wanted to get that flower for you for your birthday. With my shears in one hand, I leaned down to get it, and I lost my balance and I tripped and I fell on top of the shears and they stabbed me.” He pauses, “There,  you happy? Now that I’ve humiliated myself…” He trails off. 

You’re too stunned to speak. You just keep staring at him, unmoving.

“If you’re not going to fix this up, give me the kit so I can do it myself,” He huffs at you.

You swallow and smile at him, trying to find the words. “Joel Miller, you secret softie. You maimed yourself in the pursuit of trying to do something nice for me, the girl you claim not to want around.”

He locks eyes with you for the first time during this conversation, “I never claimed that.”

Silence hangs in the air for a moment until you clear your throat and turn your attention to the wound at hand (or should you say, at arm?). “Let’s get this stitched up, ok?”

“If Ellie asks, tell her I did something super manly and tough to get these stitches, ok?”

You let out a laugh and nod, “Sir, yes sir.”

~~~~~~~~~~

It’s been three days since Joel hurt himself trying to do something nice for you and it has not left your mind even for a moment. You’re laying in bed wide awake, tossing and turning wondering what this could mean. I never claimed that he said so earnestly to you. I never claimed that. The four words echo in your brain like a megaphone. It’s been torture being around him as if nothing has changed. As if you haven’t changed on a molecular level after those four words rearranged every fiber of your being. It may be nothing, but it also could be something. It could be the that takes what you’ve been craving for almost a year to leave your daydreams and become a reality. Maybe he meant it in a friendly way, maybe even in reference to your working relationship of raising Ellie and keeping her safe. But if that were the case, why did it feel like all of the air in the room stood still? Why did he look to you like he was a puzzle that only you could solve? 

Cordiality be damned, you had to know the answer. 

You sneak out of bed and up the stairs, careful not to wake Ellie in her room on the first floor. Joel may be modest, but he still took the primary bedroom upstairs when they moved in. You avoid the creaking steps up the stairs artfully and end up at his door. It is only at this point you realize how crazy this is. You’re standing outside his door in the middle of the night with no plan and, frankly, no pants on. This is a recipe for disaster that you’ve quickly talked yourself out of. You go to turn around when the door swings open, Joel looking alert. His body visibly relaxes when he sees that it’s just you, and then tenses once more as his eyes trail down our body to the long length of your bare legs. 

“What are you-” “Sorry I was just-” You say at the same time.

You laugh, trying to break the tension. “Sorry, I was just leaving.”

“What are you doing up here, Y/N?” His body was pressed up against the side of the doorway, blocking it almost entirely with his broad stature. Shoulders resting on the side of the doorway, arms and feet crossed, he looked in no hurry to get you out of there. 

“It doesn’t really matter, I answered my own question. I’ll just head back downstairs,” You go to walk away when he grabs your arm lightly, turning you back to face him.

“Must’ve been some curiosity if it’s keeping you up at night.” You’ve never heard him talk like this. Not just the words he was saying but how he was saying them, they were smooth and slow and rich like molasses. It instantly made your mouth dry up and your knees weaker.

“I um, I was just wondering-”

“Yes?” He prompted, his hand still on your arm. Had he ever touched you before this? Surely you would have remembered the heat. 

You look him in the eyes and see a glint, even in the darkness. This spark of something gives you the courage to move along. “I was just wondering what you meant by saying you never claimed you didn’t want me around.”

His hand drops from your arm and the heat is replaced by an instant rush of cold in his absence. He looks away from you and doesn’t speak. 

Fearing you said the wrong thing you cower and turn to walk away once more. How could you have been so stupid? This isn’t just a matter of personal politics, this is a matter of survival. You have no one besides Joel and Ellie and if you get kicked out for bringing feelings into what is a basic need for shelter, food, and water, you will never forgive yourself.

You’re almost to the stairs when you hear him rumble, “I just meant that I have always wanted you around.” You whip around and see him looking at you, his gaze trailing down your body and then all the way back up again. “I want you here. Always have.”

Not moving towards him you speak, “Then why do you act like I’m some sort of helpless child? Why do I not have any real responsibilities? I could be out there, with you, trading and gathering intel. But instead I get, what, strawberries?”

“You don’t get it.” He looks down and shakes his head.

You walk back over to him, softly, so as not to spook him again. “Then help me understand.”

He looks at you with a softer gaze this time, “I keep you here, away from all of that, because I can’t risk you getting hurt,” He pauses for a moment before continuing, “It would kill me.”

You’re stunned. “Joel,” You start before he lifts a hand and cuts you off. 

“And I give you things like strawberries because I want you to have a chance at a good life, a simple life. One I can’t promise you forever but can promise you for right now. One I know you don’t even remember having.”

Your heart is beating immeasurably fast inside your chest. You never considered that these menial tasks were actually normal, and good. Cleaning up after dinner, growing strawberries, talking about crushes with Ellie. In the midst of wanting to prove yourself, you completely forgot to take stock of all that Joel had given you already. All the things people dream about in this day and age. 

You reach a hand up to touch his face, “Thank you. Thank you for giving me something good,” You pause, “I wish I could give you something good in return.”

He leans his head into your hand and closes his eyes, letting out a contented sigh. He turns his head to kiss the palm of your hand, “You are my something good,” he says so low you almost miss it. 

But you don’t miss it. You hear it loud and clear. You hear him loud and clear for probably the first time since you’ve met him. He is stoic and strong and brooding and brave, but he is also caring and thoughtful and safe. He is the hard with the soft, and he’s been giving you both all this time right under your nose. 

You decide to do something risky. You lean in for a kiss. You put your hopes for survival at the back of your mind and for the first time in forever you prioritize living.

It doesn’t take more than two seconds for Joel to pick up on what you’re doing and reciprocate. His arms immediately move from crossed over his chest to around your waist, pulling you deeper into the kiss. He pulls you so deep you cross the threshold of his bedroom, kicking the door shut on your way in. 

“Be quiet or you’ll wake Ellie!” You half scold, half giggle as you make your way towards the bed. 

“Sorry!” He giggles back. Joel Miller. The Joel Miller giggled into your lips. You could hardly believe your ears. 

If his words were like molasses, his kiss was just as sweet. Not too pushy, but with enough force to let you know that he was in charge. He guides you to the mattress with his body and his mouth, making you feel like you’re flying. You’re sprawled out with your legs over the edge of the bed when he finally pulls away and stands before you. 

You look up at him with hooded eyes and heavy breaths, “Why’d you stop?”

He runs his hands through his hair, “I just never want to forget this.” And he dives back down to you, not giving you a moment to respond. 

When he comes back his kiss is still sweet, but with a heat you’ve never experienced before. Granted, all of your past experiences were minimal, probably in the back of an abandoned, decaying car, and in the midst of an apocalypse, but you knew enough to know that it didn’t normally feel like this. 

You part your legs so he can insert his body between them, propping his arms on either side of your head as he kisses you deeply. You wrap your legs around his waist and pull him closer to you, needing as much of him on you as possible. 

“Somebody’s eager, huh?” He asks you between kisses.

Your resolve is officially broken, you’re laying it all out on the table. “You just have no idea how long I’ve wanted this.”

He pulls back to look at you, “Oh, I think I have an idea. You tend to have a staring problem, darlin’”

Your face flushes instantly. He lowers his lips to your ears and whispers, “I do too, I’m just a little more subtle with it.” He places kisses on your neck and then trails back up to your ear, “Your body drives me crazy, baby.”

Suddenly his hands are everywhere. One is up by your head so he keeps his balance while the other is trailing up and down your chest, your stomach, your neck. He’s everywhere all at once and it still isn’t enough. Your legs are still wrapped around his waist so you buck up to create even more friction than there already was. 

“Easy there, baby, I’ve been waiting an awful long time for this, I want to take it slow with you. Gotta treat you right.” He pins your waist down to the mattress with one hand. “Let me take care of you, baby.” His look is so sincere all you can do is nod. “Good girl.” 

With that, he takes his hand pinning you down and runs the tips of his fingertips along the waistline of your underwear, teasing you. You whine.

“Patience baby,” A kiss on the cheek, “It will be worth it, I promise,” A kiss on the other cheek. Then his fingers are tugging them down inch by inch until you’re completely bare to him from the waist down. “So pretty,” He says, almost to himself. 

Before you have time to acknowledge what he’s said, the same gentle fingertips that were teasing you a moment ago land on your most sensitive spot, creating a feeling of pleasure unlike anything you’ve ever known. Your body somehow tenses and melts into the mattress at once as he works you slowly but surely. 

“How does that feel, baby?” His voice is rough around the edges but soft at its center, he genuinely wants to gauge your reaction, as if your whines and body language weren’t enough. 

“Itfeelssogood” You slur out, hands gripping the sheets on either side of you. 

He kisses your neck, “Good. Now,” He moves his finger to your center and thrusts it in, moving his thumb back to your clit. “How does that feel?”

He’s working you up so good, you feel like you’re floating. His pace is the perfect mix between rough and conscious, never taking his eyes off you for even a second. You can tell he’s loving this as much as you are, and not just because you can feel his erection through his boxers. 

You moan as he works you before answering, “Joel it feels so good.”

“Such a good girl for me, so wet and ready. Is this what you were thinking about when you couldn’t sleep?” He whispers in your ear as he picks up the pace. 

You can feel something building deep inside of you, something you haven’t felt in a long time, and never at this magnitude. It’s coming on strong and fast, you can almost reach it. “Yes, this is what I was thinking about. I was thinking about your hands on me.”

“Mmmm that’s what I like to hear baby, what else were you thinking about?” He grabs one of your hands and brings it to his boxers, “Were you thinking about this?”

You moan and nod your head, he’s continuing to pick up his pace and you’re getting closer and closer. 

“I want you to cum for me, gorgeous. Please cum for me.”

You throw your head back and moan again, “I want to cum for you.”

“Just focus on how good it feels baby, you’re so close I can feel it. Be a good girl for me.”

And just like magic, you’re there. It hits you like a freight train and your whole body is consumed. You’re tensing and writhing and it definitely isn’t normally like this, but you’re just so overcome with emotions for this man and pleasure and all of the things that drive a girl crazy. 

He coaxes you through it with lots of reassurances and hair pets, and then finally you’ve come down. “Thank you,” You say as he brushes some hair out of your face.

“Don’t thank me yet darlin’, I’m not done with you yet.” And with that, he hauls your body up to the head of the bed, making sure your head is all settled on the pillows. He sits back on his knees and takes off his shirt, nodding at you to do  the same. You’re left completely bare and he in his boxers alone. You’re mesmerized by his body. Age normally should have broken him down, but for him he seems to have only been built up. You had seen him in the garden but this, this was something entirely different. He was raw here, with you. 

“This is what I meant by you needing to be more subtle. You don’t need to undress me with your eyes, baby, you just gotta ask.” He stands up and drops his boxers, revealing himself to you fully for the first time. He’s big. Like, real big. And thick. You don’t let yourself dwell on the mechanics for more than a moment, but you do wonder how it’s going to fit.

He gets back in bed and hovers over you once more, “Are you sure about this? We can stop at any time.”

You nod your head, “I’m sure. Never been more sure about anything, actually.”

He gives you one more kiss, a firm one with the promise of a good time. You run your fingers through his hair and tug slightly. He moans into your mouth. “You sure are an eager one, aren’tcha?”

He grabs his member and lines it up with your center, teasing you slightly. You wince at the sensitivity from your previous orgasm. “You ok?” He asks gently.

“Yeah, just a little sensitive. But I’m ready. Please fuck me, Joel.” The words even surprise yourself as you say them. You’re not the best at being direct about what you want, but right now all you can do is rely on pure instinct. 

He chuckles darkly before lining himself up once again, “Your wish is my command, sweetheart.”

And just like that, he’s fucking you. Long, hard strokes that never feel like too much too fast. Just right. You feel the fullness of him immediately and it’s so divine you can’t help but arch into him and moan. Your fingers fly back into his hair as he thrusts into you with such precision, he hits your G-spot every time.

“Is that good for you, baby? Tell me how it feels.” He grunts as he pounds into you expertly.

“I love it, baby. I love it,” You’re breathless as you try to find the words to describe the way he’s making you feel.

He takes one of your legs and rests your ankle on his shoulder, opening you up even more than you thought possible and deepening the angle of his already deep thrusts. You try not to scream, so you grab a pillow and put it over your face.

He rips it off almost immediately, “Oh no, sweetheart. No hiding from me. I want to see your pretty face when I make you cum on my cock.” 

You’re so incoherent you can’t even respond to his filthy words. You just moan in response and grab the sheets on either side of you.

He changes his pace a couple of times, switching from slow and long to fast and shallow, but it never feels out of place or off rhythm. He is just somehow so in tune with your body that he knows exactly what you need when you need it. 

You’re whining and moaning when he lowers your leg and gets his face up next to yours. His hand moves down to  your clit and he starts massaging it while he continues to thrust into you. “You’ve been such a good girl tonight baby,” He says through his own labored breathing. “Coming up here in your little panties practically begging to get fucked. Such a good girl.” You moan so loud he covers your mouth with his other hand, “I love hearing those moans baby but you gotta keep it quiet if you want me to keep going. And I know you want me to keep going.” 

You nod and he removes his hand from your mouth and sits back again, watching you from above. “Play with your tits while I make you cum.” You do as you're told, loving the feeling of his eyes fixed on you while you do exactly what he says. 

Once again, you feel something building inside of you. The combination of him inside you, his fingers working their magic, and his eyes on you makes it nearly impossible to resist the feelings as they come on strong. 

“I’m gonna cum,” You whine. 

“Do it baby, cum for me” He picks up his pace and you can tell he’s getting close himself, can tell he’s chasing something. 

It only takes a couple more seconds before you finish in an explosion of pleasure. You’re so out of it as you come down you barely register him pulling out and grabbing a tissue from the side table. What a gentleman. 

You’re both laying there in silence when the gravity of what just happened finally hits you. You just had sex with the one person that stands between you and certain death. This could ruin everything. You move to get up and go back to your room when you feel an arm on you, pulling you back down. 

“Stay,” He pauses, “Please stay with me.”

You smile softly at him and lay back down, but this time he wraps you up in his arms and spoons you. You can feel his breathing on the back of your neck and his calluses on your arms as he holds you. He starts tracing little circles on your skin with his thumb while he hums. 

“That was amazing,” You say, finally breaking the silence.

“Yeah, um, sorry if I came on too strong,” He pauses, “Haven’t done that in awhile.”

You turn around to face him and you rest a palm on his cheek, “It was perfect. You were perfect. I um, I just hope this doesn’t change anything?” You nervously finish.

He looks startled. He quits rubbing circles on your skin and moves back. “Yeah, no. No, it doesn't have to change anything.”

Clearly, you’ve struck a chord and you don’t know why or how. But you do know that you need to fix it. 

“I just, I know we’re in a precarious situation and I don’t want you to feel like our relationship has changed at all.” You begin.

He sits up fully with his back against the headboard, but he doesn’t say anything.

“Joel?” You join him up against the headboard, covering yourself with the blanket.

He sighs but doesn’t look at you, “If I had thought everything would stay the same I wouldn’t have done what I just did. I wouldn’t have opened the door and I certainly wouldn’t have let you in.”

You’re stunned and you’re scared, having no idea what he’s talking about. “What are you saying?”

Finally, he looks at you. “Dammit Y/N what if I want things to change?” He doesn’t raise his voice at all, but his tone is stern enough to send you aback. 

“What?”

Another sigh, “What if I want things to change? What if I want somebody who is going to be there for me at the end of the day in my bed? This world isn’t permanent and I can’t promise you forever but I can promise you for now. For now, I want this. For now, I want you. And I’m gonna keep wanting you until the thing that stands in the way of me and death itself disappears.” He pauses, “So yeah, maybe you don’t want things to change but I do. Sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear.” He looks away from you again. 

“Joel, I-”

“I don’t want your pity. I get it, I’m just some old man with a 17 year old basket case trailing behind me and you’re young and beautiful and just had an itch to scratch. We’ll continue with business as usual in the morning. Good night.” He flips over onto his side away from you. 

You huff. This is ridiculous, you think to yourself. You tap him on the shoulder.

“You should probably go back to your room, Y/N.”

You tap him on the shoulder again. 

He flips around to look at you, “What more could you possibly want from me?”

You cross your arms over your blanket covered chest, “What makes you think I wanted things to stay the same?”

“Gee, I don’t know, probably the part where you said ‘things don’t have to change’?” He says sarcastically as he sits back up to face you. “Wonder where I got that crazy idea.”

“I was just saying that in case you didn’t want anything to change! I’m totally at your mercy with everything, including my survival here, so sorry for being cautious.”

He doesn’t say anything, but his mouth does fall open in shock a little bit. 

“Joel, trust me when I say I’m not taking pity on you when I say I want this too. I can’t promise you forever but I can promise you for now, and for tomorrow, and for the next day and the day after that. I choose you and I choose Ellie and I want this. I want you. I want to be the one that is there for you at the end of the day.” You smile at him and grab his hand, “You’re my good thing too.”

His face softens and he grabs your joined hands with his other one and leans over to kiss you on the cheek. You lean into it and giggle as he begins peppering a bunch of kisses all over your face. The hard with the soft, that’s Joel Miller.

“Let’s go to bed, shall we?” You ask him as he leans over you, caressing your face.

“Yeah, let’s go to bed.” He gives you one last kiss on the cheek and spoons you once more.

That night you dream of strawberries. Just fields and fields of strawberries. 

[pinayelf]

Six-Song Soundtrack Tag Game

tagged by @shivunin <3 Thank you so much ^_^

If you're tagged, make a new post with links to music and/or lyrics describing the following: 1. An event that defines your character's past 2. How your character sees themselves 3. How others view them 4. Their closest relationship (platonic or romantic) 5. A major fight scene 6. End credits song

As always I'm going to do Immy, to no one's surprise lol

Yes quite a few of these will be pop songs, which yes, may seem like a joke, but I'm serious and I like genuinely using pop music as part of Immy's character and ~symbolism. it makes more sense in my head, I have a hard time verbalizing it lol

All Love - Ingrid Michaelson (An event that defines your character's past)

You can't be the one to kill the pain anymore you let me in but then you slam my fingers in the door i've had enough but i keep asking you to give me more when i say that there's no way.

Immy had a very bad breakup a couple of years before Inquisition. Her ex Liranael ended things because she believed Immy to be "too much". Their wants weren't the same, and Immy CAN be clingy, however, she often made Immy feel stupid or ridiculous for the way she normally acts (this actually relates to why Immy and Solas have a strained relationship, but that's another essay lol)

2. Paper Doll - Rachael Yamagata (How your character sees themselves)

Everybody's cleared the room And they'll dress you up Stand you in all the right places Words like honey They smile as they change your faces With no regard to you at all And you find they treat you like a paper doll

This is mostly during DAI, a lot of this is wonderfully explained by this great post by hawkepockets. Immy knew who she was when she was with her clan, surrounded by her community. This was her first time away from that and around unfamiliar culture and people. She essentially fights for her own dignity and humanity - because as the Inquisitor she already sees how much of herself she is losing because of the symbol she's become. No matter how loud she speaks out (something she had to become braver to do), she's essentially the people's paper doll.

3. Goddess - Laufey (How others view them)

Were you surprised by me When you took me home? When the glamor wore off Reduced to skin and bone I can't even tell Who you want to know I'm a goddess on stage Human when we're alone

Doing two parts to number 3! While Goddess is meant to be a song about a lover deifying you - I really like the lyrics here. Immy is essentially deified by the people who follow the Inquisition. Literally the "second coming of Christ" (nvm that she's Dalish). But what ends up happening, to most people that meet her, is that they're disappointed. Immy is not this bright, gleaming figure - she's a shy, terrified woman who's struggling to not break down with all the burden on her.

3b. Magic - One Direction

'Cause you, you've got this spell on me I don't know what to believe Kiss you once, now I can't leave 'Cause everything you do is magic But everything you do is ma-a-agic

This is for how those close to her view her. It's not so much the lyrics, but the poppy-ness of it. Pop songs just remind me of Immy - the saccharine sound, the way it makes you want to dance etc. But despite me often talking about Immy that way, that's something that's only revealed to people closest to her, when Immy feels safe. And that includes her closest friends in the Inquisition and Cullen - the thing that helps her to keep her own personhood.

4. Smash Into You - Beyonce (Their closest relationship, romantic in this case)

And I'm soaked in your love, ah And love is right in my path, in my grasp And me and you belong, oh

I've said numerous times before that this is one of my favorite love songs ever, it's extremely vulnerable, and portrays an intense and deep love. Cullen makes me soppy I'm sorry lol. Vulnerability and feeling safe in that is one of the most important thing in Cullen and Immy's relationship and this portrays it PERFECTLY. Also Immy feels very intensely and deeply too. I have other songs for them, but this one is the one I'm feeling rn <3

5. Like OOH-AAH - TWICE (A major fight scene)

OKAY HEAR ME OUT. No lyrics, because the song isn't here for lyrics, but rather ~vibes. I love exploring contrasts, I also love ironic kinds of anachronism with putting modern pop songs to stuff like Dragon Age. I associate TWICE's music with Immy because she would be a fan in a modern AU and the music is just very her. The music video features the band running through a hoard of zombies so in my head it's a battle song (yes it makes sense).

I like imagining Immy fighting Corypheus to this song lol

6. 26 - Paramore (End credits song)

Reality will break your heart Survival will not be the hardest part It's keeping all your hopes alive When all the rest of you has died

These lyrics just SCREAM Immy to me. Hayley Williams explained that this song is a conceptual opposite to an older song "Brick by Boring Brick" that criticized dreamers and now she's the person. To me - this is what Immy fights for. It's hard staying hopeful, soft, and kind when she'd gone through SO MUCH. But yet, she looks ahead.

Bonus for end credits:

Take Me Home - Pentatonix

And don't you forget The only thing that matters is our heartbeats going strong Oh, don't you forget That nothing else can matter 'cause we know where I belong

This is more for Cullen and Immy settling together to have a simple and peaceful life in South Reach. The lyrics are self explanatory <3

[immaturityofthomasastruc]

HELLO BOYS! I'M BAAAACK!

(LINK TO THE MASTERPOST)

That's right, after about four months away from this blog (in addition to starting a different blog where I talk about more positive things like tokusatsu), I'm finally deciding to start up The Immaturity of Thomas Astruc once again.

A lot's changed since I went on hiatus. Not only have we gotten more than half of the season (ironically right as I chose to go on hiatus), we've also gotten some new superhero shows, like Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur, which manages to do the whole "main character has to learn a lesson every episode" routine and make it work, as well as Jade Armor, a full-blown Miraculous Ladybug knock-off. You know you've made it in the entertainment industry when other studios are trying to rip off your work. Even the tokusatsu shows I watch have reminded me of Miraculous Ladybug, like the new Ohsama Sentai King-Ohger, with one of the five insect-themed heroes being a purple butterfly, and Kamen Rider Geats, a show that feels like one of the writers thought I was being unreasonable with my criticisms of Adrien, and thought "Oh, you want to see what a truly unlikable main character is like? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED."

All joking aside, I've mostly managed to destress a little when it comes to talking about Adrien, so I'm pretty sure I can talk about him in a calmer way now. I'll still call out the dumb decisions he and other characters will inevitably make this season, but I promise I won't snap at any Adrien fans like I did last time.

That being said, I'm going to instate a couple of new rules for how I interact with my followers, and vice versa.

I'll only respond to any replies to my posts unless I'm explicitly tagged in them. I don't want to accidentally go off on anyone for speaking their mind unless they actually want to discuss something with me.

Try not to get into any arguments with the users who send stuff to my inbox. I don't want to start any flame wars, so unless you have something to add to the point they're trying to make, please don't send any asks that only talk about how stupid the last guy's ask was.

Now that I've got that settled, I've got some catching up to do. I have thirteen episodes of Season 5 to watch and write reviews for, and I have to go through the asks in my inbox.

Oh yeah, did I mention I already finished the reviews for "Destruction" and "Jubilation"?

[kenjiyabuki]

so here are some thoughts about DMD Friendship the Reality while we are nearing the end

yeah yeah its not that deep but actually no one caring/talking about a show makes me want to write a LONG ASS POST bc i cant get gratification from going through the tags and reading opinions lmaoooooo so HERE damn okkk i will make the content i want to see in the world i guess dont mind me......😞

im not even the biggest Domundi fan but i was intrigued by the premise of this show. i mean it's a basically fake dating show (like one of their challenge rewards was getting to sleep in a suite together as if they are there to date for real) and the end prize isnt just an acting opportunity as it comes w the big decision of choosing a looooooong time acting partner. so i wanted to see how they would do it. BOC did a similar thing w The Hidden Character which i dropped halfway in bc it was too long and i found the challenges to be irrelevant to the ending goal. this show is the opposite of that and thats why ive been enjoying it.

it is edited to be concise (only 5 eps) and honestly, is quite tranquil. all the challenges were about things they will be required to do in the future as DMD actors/idols and stakes aren't even that high. You could always guess who would win before they even started (((like of course broody model guys won the photoshoot challenge and guy w two series under his belt won the acting one, DUH))) but it was still enjoyable to watch. show's goal isn't to generate tension and competitiveness. it is more of a workshop/chemistry building camp and also a way to introduce the new generation and get the fans warm up/attached to them.

as i spent time in bl fandom sphere, i've come to realize introducing a new gen is tricky. i thought everyone would be ecstatic to see new blood and a lil bit of mix and match but BL fans are reaaaaaaaaaaally attached to their faves and generally see newcomers as threats who will take opportunities from their already neglected (!) precious babies (e.g. just couple weeks ago FortPeat fans were protesting the new lesbian side couple in the upcoming show for stealing screen time from their faves, which is a joke in itself). this kind of show is genius way to get people to warm up to idea of new faces. at the end of the the day, these fans' weakness is two beautiful boys indulging in sweet moments they can be delulu over and considering how ships were already born from the first episode, DMD FTR succeeded in their goal.

LETS TALK ABOUT THE BOYS :-) *this starts playing*

I had to make this during first ep bc they are all dark haired boys w similar builds so I kept confusing them lmaoooooo (Tle not pictured as he joined later)

i will firstly talk about the fan favorite possible "couples";

KengNamping, the quiet visual couple and yes I love em!!!! they were kinda the only "conflict" in this very conflict free competition.

is Keng the CALMEST person I've ever seen? Latte is laid back too but Keng is just seems zen. sometimes (in the face of conflict) he just seemed hard to read but mostly he has such a calming presence. honestly, he should open an ASMR channel if this acting gig doesn't work out.

Namping also comes off very warm and graceful. him being "wow I'm finally in the winner suite" to Keng after finally getting chosen in ep4 made me laugh like DAMN he really was offended by what happened in ep1 and kept letting it slip. Idc, you are so right my prince and don't ever let Keng forget what he did to you...

when it comes to the possibility of them as a couple: i am kinda here for it while also not knowing if i actually believe in their "moments" in the show? Namping definitely set his sights on him from the beginning but Keng seemed nonchalant about it. Keng finally choosing Namping after his win, their sweet moment on the bed etc. seemed to me like classic reality show moment prompted by production to fit a certain narrative WHILE ThomasKong's pseudo-date-night chats seemed very real and spontaneous.

they do visually have chemistry, i'm not gonna act like i wasn't blushing when Keng trying to flirt during dinner or Namping softly touching a sleepy Keng's chin in the bed etc. Or even in ep2, when Namping tries to confront Keng about his pick but they are too timid and just unable to talk about it openly!!! arrghhh it's a hard to watch moment but still, made them more intriguing because they had such a tension between them. it would be a shame if it wasn't explored more. that tension can be channeled into an angsty series, just saying...

So, they def have a long way to go in their bond and arent comfortable like LatteFirst or ThomasKong but still, they are a strong contender and I would be glad to see them as a couple in a show. Namping already got my attention in the acting challenge and wonders can be achieved w a lil bit of workshop. they got the juice already!!!

Now, lets talk about ThomasKong.............

me watching Thomas relentlessly chatting Kong up since THE FIRST EPISODE

so I knew LatteFirst are set be a side couple in upcoming Love Upon a Time but i was confused to see why everyone on Twitter was already going cuckoo over these two random boys until i saw them interacting... Wow, like Thomas really came here w one mission: get Kong and leave.

because Thomas is such a flirt like DAMNNN😳😳😳😳he needs to be jailed for carrying lethal amounts of charm... IT MUST BE SAID: I love his fits w those thin glasses, he should've been wearing those in those office BLs he was in because he has been serving "office siren". Tiktok girlies eat your heart out.

while Kong isn't the best at acting or singing (he is the best KengNamping shipper tho and i LOVE a fudanshi BL actor), he definitely would win Mr. Congeniality if they were giving that title. he naturally and effortlessly has great on screen charisma. he is a certified cutie and the only one who can get real full belly laughs from Thomas!!!

i think what they managed in the acting challenge is the testament to their palpable chemistry. acting wise they weren't perfect (naturally, their uneven acting experience levels were apparent) but they were the only one who managed to tonal shift in their scenes. it's because they were the only ones who played into the romantic subtext of the scene. they also held eye contact for the longest (because they are comfortable w each other and not shy!!!), which elevated their chemistry and made me AND the judges giggle and roll our hair and kick our feet and shit!!!!!!!!!!!!

they are obviously the most likely to win the show and they deserve it too. no matter the result of the show, i want see them carrying a series as mains because they can and should. i also believe DMD won't fumble their bag, so i am not worried about it.

to conclude, I will quote Zee,

then we come to LatteFirst, the kinda established couple: in the ep5 preview, we see First trying to choose between Latte and the newcomer Tle, which seemed random to me and could be a production touch to create conflict in this very smooth sailing show.

i loved seeing Latte being nonchalant about the possibility of First choosing someone else, what a laid back guy. like Mio in THC, every BL reality show needs a half asleep and occasionally funny dude.

now i am thinking; what if First chose Tle, would he also replace Latte in LUAT bc DMD doesn't really fuck w mixing matching their couples. i honestly don't know where did all that come from but i feel like the result wont be too shocking, First and Latte are already really close and comfortable and got The Chemistry. need i remind of Latte punching the air a la Judd Nelson at the end of The Breakfast Club when it was announced they both chose each other for the dinner date? and their sweet and comfortable banter on that said date??? let's put our pens to work and write a friends to lovers rom-com for the boys based on that material please...

i dont think they are likely to win but might be strong contender. i just want to see them as a side couple in LUAT (hopefully this year!!!!) so they can develop themselves and their bond a little bit more before getting to a main couple level. their sweet friendship shouldn't go to waste!!! (is it obvious i am more drawn to BL couples who are besties in real life?)

damn this post is about to be a novella so i will make it short about Gems, TeeTee and Tle, i hope Gems won't be too upset about getting slighted again 😥 like i said, stakes aren't high on this show and results are always obvious: these guys are going back home empty handed, we all know it. they are all charismatic and VERYYY talented but i just felt like none of them really focused on "getting a partner" part of the show, not just the main challenges. even TeeTee who was picked by Thomas and Keng seemed kinda uninterested about partnering up. but you cant really force chemistry and i am sure they will get many more opportunities in the future. they already started their fanbase!!! i cant stand to see Gems so upset, i hope he wont be too sad.

these are my opinions. maybe the ending will do a whole 180 and idk, GemsKeng or TleKong or some other random couple will win, who knows???? cant wait to watch the new overly airbrush filtered, Cheewin directed DMD show up to like 5 episodes and then get bored and drop it and follow the rest from gifs!!! good luck to the boys <3

[martsonmars]

[wrote most of this last January — I'm not deleting the tags but LOL — and I'm not changing my answers — not even the last time I cried — but I'll add stuff]

15 Questions 15 People

Thanks @nausikaaa @johnwgrey @shrekgogurt @raenestee @yellobb @stitchyqueer @facewithoutheart @fatalfangirl @prettylightsbigcity @sillyunicorn and at least two more people (whose notifications were eaten by Tumblr) for the tags! I love being tagged in these games even though I don't always participate. [And now it just took me a year...]

I almost didn't participate this time either because I don't like some of the questions, but I really wanted to answer a couple of them so here we are 😂 It'll likely be long so...

[Tagging @onepintobean @brilla-brilla-estrellita @palimpsessed @ileadacharmedlife @technetiumai @thewholelemon @youarenevertooold @iamamythologicalcreature @ic3-que3n @theearlgreymage @messofthejess @theimpossibledemon @artsyunderstudy @cutestkilla @valeffelees. That's 15! If you played last year you can ignore me or play again.]

1. Are you named after anyone?

Not really? Definitely not after a relative (thank god, I'm not a fan of it), but:

a) my mother's religious enough that biblical Marta was on her mind. She used to say that if she had another girl she wanted to call her Miriam, and it wouldn't have happened anyway because when we thought my brother would be a girl — before that “uh there's a penis here” that made me cry because I was used to being a single child by then, and I was already so upset to get a sibling that at least I wanted a sister — I fought for the name Emma, but she did want to play a vague Martha&Mary game. (My brother got a religion-inspired name too, anyway.)

b. there's a song by one of her favourite singers that's called Marta che parla con Dio (I love this song so much!) and she always mentioned it when I asked about my name

c. Marta Abba was an actress and the muse of my mother's favourite writer. I always say that I'm named after her because I like the idea.

2. When was the last time you cried?

I don't remember when I last cried properly (not because I never cry but because I cry too often) but the last time I had to fight tears because I was in public and almost failed was two days ago.

3. Do you have kids?

Nope! I'm baby myself. I used to say I absolutely didn't want kids but now my stance is more “we'll see what happens”. Kids feel like too much — I'm always exhausted when I have to take care of my brother (who's almost 11 now, so not a baby, and still requires so much time and energy) and spending a week with my 3yo cousin reminded me of how it is when they're younger — and I'm not sure I'd want to devote such a big part of my life and my days to someone who, at least at first, would need me so much. But I love kids. I usually joke and say that I love them as long as they're someone else's and they go home at the end of the day, but I think I'd like having my own kid. I want to believe I'd be a good parent. But I definitely don't want to birth anyone, so we'll see what more queer rights or moving to another country life brings!

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I think so? I love sarcasm, but I probably don't use it as much as I think I do.

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

This is one of the questions that bothered me because I couldn't think of any physical characteristic, but then I realise that the answer is SO easy: the first thing I notice about people I interact with is whether they pass my anxiety's vibe check.

(What I notice about people I don't interact with is whether they'd be good fancasts. The only faces I remember among all the people I've seen in 3 months of classes in person are: potential Shep fancast & potential fem Baz fancast.) (They're friends btw.)

6. What’s your eye color?

Brown. (I almost found a way to turn this answer into 15 paragraphs too, but I'll spare you.)

7. Scary movie or happy endings?

Happy endings for sure. I'm not a fan of scary movies in general (can't see the appeal), but I'll always pick happy endings. Though I can bear sad movies better than sad books, probably because everything's faster.

8. Any special talents?

I'll skip this one. Not because I don't think I have any special talents, but because what's a talent? What's special? Honestly my special talent is not being able to answer this kind of question about myself (along with “describe yourself in 3 adjectives” and shit like that).

9. Where were you born?

Wouldn't you like to know.

10. What are your hobbies?

I am, sadly, pretty inconsistent about hobbies. The ones that never leave are reading and writing (even when I had my 3 year long writer's block, writing was still at the top of my mind), but other than those two I have a wide variety of hobbies that come and go. Mostly because if I don't master a skill immediately I give up, and so I keep picking hobbies up and then abandoning them and then picking them up again. I'd probably be happier if I stopped wasting so much time on my phone and dedicated more time to getting better at some of these hobbies I've tried, but alas, my brain cannot be coerced into it.

December edit: learned and learning to crochet and I have a feeling this hobby will stay.

11. Do you have any pets?

Nope. I probably wouldn't want a pet that can move around, or one I'd have to touch (I assume you have to touch most pets somehow... but when I helped my aunt with her fish I didn't have to touch them because she had a little net I could use to move them when cleaning was needed, and it was great, so I could probably handle something like that). I'd also be sad about their lifespan.

Honestly, I'll probably only have a pet if someone I live with will have or strongly want one.

12. What sports do you play/have you played?

I did ballet from age 4 to age 11, then I let them fat shame me away from it. I probably would've quit after middle school anyway, but I wish I hadn't let them make me feel like shit about my body because I really love ballet, and I was the best of my group (the examiner from the Royal Academy of Dance said so twice.), and we were going to try point shoes the next year, and I was just a chubby kid.

Then I did archery for 2/3 years in high school. I quit because I felt like I didn't have enough time to do it AND study, and so I didn't want to commit to it to the point of buying my own bow, and the equipment my trainer gave me for free wasn't good enough that my skills could improve past a certain point, and so I got frustrated with it. I'd like to pick it up again someday.

(I almost googled whether ballet is a sport because I feel like a lot of people would say it isn't for different reasons, but then I decided that I don't care. It counts as a sport to me.)

13. How tall are you?

174 cm, I think. Maybe 173. 5’8”?

14. Favorite subject at school?

Oh boy. I could spend hours on this, I'm such a swot (which is why my current struggles with studying hurt so much! I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd struggle with the only thing I used to be the best at, and yet here we are).

I think my favourite subjects to study are things like history and law. I also love languages so much and I need structure to study them (I struggle to be consistent and practice on my own). I loved scientific subjects and kinda miss them occasionally. I loved all the literature/social sciences classes I've had in my life but most of them are mostly stuff I like to read about and don't really want to study.

[December comment: I didn't post this in January because I didn't finish answering this question. I still don't want to finish because it's too much. I just want to say that there's a difference between subjects I like in general and subjects I like to study, and I think the two categories intersect in the fields of history, languages and law.]

15. Dream job?

There are two wolves inside of me.

The wolf that wants to leave a very specific mark in the world, which is the reason why I'm studying politics. I am not saying that politics are the way (or the only way) to change the world. I'm not even saying I want to be a politician. But there is in me the desire to do something for the world from this point of view, be it through writing or activism or NGOs or European/international institutions and organisations or the government. I'm currently [December] planning to write my bachelor thesis in International Law and talk about the regulation of AI, and my professor says this is a field that's creating more job opportunities and isn't yet as saturated as the human rights job market, so maybe this is something to pursue.

And the wolf that wants to stay in my little bubble and write fiction. Or translate books (though I don't think I'd actually want to be a translator. It's a shitty job). Have a nice house and a family and forget about the world.

I know these aren't necessarily mutually exclusive (in the sense that both could be possible at different times), but I'm not sure what will prevail. I guess it also depends on the jobs I will find when I'm done studying.

I agree with who said they want a job they like well enough but that leaves them time and energy to pursue their actual dreams. Work doesn't have to be your dream, it can be just work. But maybe I'll turn my dreams into work and have more, different dreams in my private life. We'll see!

[wordspin-shares]

20 Questions for Writers

Thank you so much for the tag, @thecharmedburrowspn-files!

How many works do you have on AO3?

18, although one is the unfinished draft of the previous version of my LotR fic, which I uploaded simply to have it exist somewhere (and to remind me how far I've come).

What is your total AO3 word count?

Barring the aforementioned archived draft, 49,981.

What fandoms do you write for?

Right now, The Vampire Diaries (TV-verse), The Grishaverse (bookverse) and The Lord of the Rings (bookverse).

What are your top five fics by kudos?

My TVD fic From the Sidelines; my LotR fic Edged in Silver; my Silmarillion gapfiller Hallowed Waters; my multi-age Tolkien-verse gapfiller The Wings of Blue Butterflies; and my LotR gapfiller The Fifth Day.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I always respond to comments, because I want to interact with my readers. They took the time to let me know what they thought of my work, and I want them to know I appreciate that. Plus, this kind of interaction can lead to interesting discussions.

What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hallowed Waters, I guess, because it's a gapfiller focusing on the story of Beren and Lúthien, and that by itself is angsty.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I wouldn't say happy, but rather optimistic, there's-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel ending. The Fifth Day and The Sails are Set fit that description.

Do you get hate on your fic?

I did get a couple of odd comments on a previous version of Edged in Silver, but no hate.

Do you write smut?

Not really. I can do it, but it just doesn't have a purpose in my stories, so I don't see the point of writing smut for smut's sake.

Do you write crossovers?

No, but I wouldn't be averse to it if it made sense.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope.

Have you ever co-written a fic?

Yes, years ago, when I was in the X-Men fandom, and it made me realise that I'm too much of a control freak to attempt it again.

What's your all-time favorite ship?

Howl/Sophie from Diana Wynne Jones' Howl's Moving Castle series. It's just such a beautiful ship, they fit so wonderfully together.

What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Honestly, I don't know.

What are your writing strengths?

Creating vivid visuals without using too much description, I think.

What are your writing weaknesses?

The biggest one is definitely lack of focus.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I'm already doing it for the whole narrative, not just dialogue. English isn't my first language. lol Jokes aside, if it has to be done because it lends gravity to the scene, I will definitely do it if it's a language I'm comfortable writing snippets in. Otherwise, I'll find another way to handle said gravity.

First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter.

Favorite fic you've ever written?

I'd say my one-shot The Wings of Blue Butterflies. I'm rather fond of that one.

Tagging: @themaradwrites, @moustache-bonnet, @come-along-pond, @asirensrage, @darthnell, @foxesandmagic, @mariedemedicis, @bisexualterror, @anqelwiithhxrns, @arrthurpendragon, @mabonetsamhain, @bluebell-winter, @theblueelfling, @bobfloydsbabe, and anyone who wants to join!

[drawing-way-outside-the-lines]

➖ Mature content, 18+ ➖ check the trigger tags each time ➖

Chapter 44 - Entering Kris.

Episode 4.

Andy: He massaged the foot for at least 10 minutes, then switched to the other one, and by the time both Kris's feet seemed to have gotten heat, Kris had already placed another empty can on the table and was by now almost laying completely in the couch, looking more than done…. but this time in a more relaxed and positive way. So he opened another beer for himself, sipping it slowly when suddenly Kris burst out an unexpected info

Kris: I'm gay!

Andy: He coughed on his beer and accidentally spat some of it out as he nearly choked on it What?!

Kris: I'm sorry! he sat up quickly and looked at Andy with a soft frown

Andy: Warn people when they drink please! he chuckled hoarsely

Kris: I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that! Fuck! he suddenly frowned deeper and shook his head I can't believe I said that!

Andy: He chuckled again it's completely fine I just wish you had waited till I was done sipping my beer! a soft snort escaping him, then he noticed how Kris's body had changed again, undoubtedly anxious yet again, as he seemed all tense and hunched Hey, it's okay, I'm just joking…

Kris: he shook his head in disbelief I've never told anyone!

Andy: …….. you're…. in the closet….

Kris: He nodded tensely and gasped for air as he quickly scooted forwards in the couch and grabbed a third beer, drinking it all in one go, anxiously rubbing his hands as he sat quietly, trying to process the moment

Andy: …. can I ask you a question?

Kris: Yes! it flew out of him, eager for Andy to break the silence

Andy: Does your girlfriend know?… I mean ex…

Kris: Yes… that's why we broke it… I uh… yeah… I had a crush on one of our room mates… uh… and yeah… uh… I told him and he wasn't into it…. and told her and I made an excuse I was just drunk and talking shit and… yeah… he says it's all forgiven and he doesn't mind, he knows I'm straight and wasn't coming onto him, but he still takes a certain distance now… like trying not to be alone with me for too long… and she is mostly in denial I guess, I mean who can blame her? We were together for years and her boyfriend was gay… yeah… that has to be shitty… but I think deep down she knows…

Andy: …. so you have uh…. never had sex then?…

Kris: He looked at Andy with a confused frown

Andy: I mean if you haven't been with her, and you are in the closet…

Kris: …….. oh… no… I've been with a couple guys in the past… that was the whole thing I was running from when I met her.

Andy: Oh… ah okay… I see… I've known a couple guys who has been with girls and was closeted and never had been with a guy before… and they always told me it wasn't as hard as one would think, cause… well… as much as they wanted to be with a guy, they didn't quite know what they were missing out on, you know? But I guess it's different from person to person… I used to be closeted to the point where I completely denied my own sexuality… most of my life actually… it wasn't until 2014 I finally realised it and came out.

Kris: Oh…. he nodded slow …. so we have a lot in common?

Andy: He forced a soft smile it appears so….

Kris: I think it's pretty hard… knowing what I could have… and have none… for years… other than a couple one night stands here and there… and the occasional blow or handjob…

Andy: From a girl…

Kris: Yeah he sighed soft

Andy: Was it a relationship you ran from or sexuality?

Kris: Both… he was my first and only boyfriend… I had been with a couple guys before him, but then met this really great guy, fell in love and yeah… he was closeted too, so we told people we were roomies… it was fine, no ones business anyway, right? But then one day I came home and he was fucking someone else… another guy… a business partner and yeah, it turned out they had been seeing each other all along, and he didn't really love me, I was just convenient, cause I wanted to live with him… filling a void the other guy couldn't cause he was married.

Andy: Ouch…

Kris: yeah he sighed soft

Andy: ……. so what do you do when you…. get urges… you talked about cheating?

Kris: only twice… no 3 times… he sighed deep it's bad enough, I know…

Andy: Hey… not gonna judge as I said, I've done my own bit of cheating…

Kris: He sighed soft again and nervously fiddled with the blanket, feeling a heat rise in his body, suddenly feeling the alcohol

Andy: What else do you do? You've just learned to go without or?

Kris: I ghost hunt

Andy: He laughed warmly

Kris: He looked at Andy with a serious look

Andy: Oh… you mean it?… oh…

Kris: He shrugged lightly I mean if you believe in it.

Andy: I do… I've done a couple of times myself…

Kris: …..

Andy: How did you get into that?

Kris: Roomies… 2 of them are professional ghost hunters.. if you

Andy: Believe in that he chuckled softly alright… okay… so you ghost hunt to get your mind off urges… he nodded slowly

Kris: He grunted softly and looked around a bit nervous and lost as he felt the alcohol taking over, making him extra drowsy and slightly dizzy

Andy: Are you okay?

Kris: Yeah… I uh…he chuckled awkwardly and stood up I need to pee… I don't usually get drunk from 3 beers… I guess it's the lack of sleep?

Andy: He smiled softly and sipped his own Well that and you seem a bit stressed out and you drank pretty fast… all those things can definitely play a factor.

Kris: Yeah he nodded lightly I'll uh… be right back…

Andy: Sure he leaned back, watching the screen, sipping his beer casually, but as soon as Kris disappeared into the bathroom, he had to bite his knuckle Oh my fucking gawd!!!

Kris: Fuck fuck fuck fuck! he rushed to the sink, splashing some cold water in his face, then went to pee

Andy: He shook his head lightly as his dick lightly twitched No, absolutely not! That's not why I brought him home at all, and he seems pretty vulnerable! Right now he needs a friend, and that's what we're going to be! Nothing more, nothing less! Got it?! He quickly washed down the rest of his beer and crawled under the blanket, still sitting up as Kris entered the room again Hey he smiled warmly You alright?

Kris: Yeah he nodded lightly and hurried back to the couch, quickly getting under the blanket as well, observing Andy for a moment, before he laid down completely this time

Andy: …. is there… anything you want to say…. or do…. I mean…. you looked at me like-

Kris: No, I just wondered why you're so nice to me… and why our paths crossed… and why I'm here…. and why you give me this warm kind treatment that makes everything warm inside me when people I live with can't he shook his head and disappeared under the blanket, as he sniffled his nose

Andy: He sighed softly and laid down as well, easily reaching Kris's legs, gently rubbing them Hey he spoke in a soft voice You don't have to hide from me… there's nothing wrong with crying, at all…

Kris: …. a soft sob escaping him

Andy: It's okay, he slowly started caressing Kris's legs instead out of pure reflex, wanting to calm the hurting person

Kris: He only started crying harder, feeling overwhelmed with the kindness and the fact that someone was actually touching him in a pleasant way. Last time he had been with anyone, the person had acted as if Kris was dirty and ended up beating him up for being gay. And suddenly the repressed memories and his own loneliness and need for a gentle touch just like Andy seemed to so easily provide, rained down on him and made him gasp for air, as a panic attack made him shoot up from the couch, standing stiff on the floor in front of the screen, starring blank a the table

Andy: Kris? He slowly got up as well, observing the guy What's going on?

Kris: Now hyperventilating I'm sorry, I can't, I-

Andy: Okay he got it immediately Okay… come, sit down with me again and take a deep breath

Kris: I can't I! I need air!! I- he kinda flopped his arms in all directions then bend forwards as his sobbing turned deep and full of pain

Andy: Shit he slowly reached out, stroking Kris's back gently

Kris: No! he quickly took a few steps away I'm sorry I shouldn't have come here! You're so nice, but I'm not used to it at all.. I uh you're so sweet and it's exactly what I need but it's too much… all the nice touching and you sound like you care

Andy: I do care

Kris: How??! You don't even know me! How can you care when the people I live with can't even bother if I'm alive or dead

Andy: Please don't say that, I'm sure they-

Kris: No! They really don't Andy. I cut my wrist a month ago, it wasn't THAT bad… but bad enough… no one even bothered to go with me to the hospital… what if I would have fainted on the way?!?! His crying turned almost desperate, a few whimpers here and there as he started rubbing his hands nervously please don't think I'm some fucking nutcase! I'm not I just am so fucking exhausted of this life, but I really don't want to die at all! I swear! I just want someone to fucking notice how much I am fucking drowning, and I don't know?!? Hand me a fucking stick!

Andy: Hey he quickly stepped closer to Kris, dragging his own sleeves up, then turned his wrists inside out, revealing his own scars to Kris I wont judge, remember? And I don't want to die either! There are moments where all hope is out and the pain becomes so strong, I do want to die, but only in those moments… only in those moments of pure despair. I don't actually want to die… at all. I am terrified of dying as a a matter of fact, and I love being alive!

Kris: He nodded agreeing and wiped his hand over his nose, stepping nervously on the spot

Andy: What do you need? Tell me, please? You look like you desperately need a hug, but honestly… I don't know what to do right now cause you also made it clear I seem to overwhelm you at the same time, which wasn't my intention at all. I don't want to step over any lines here, Kris… I like you and I don't want to scare you away… is that too much? I know we just met, but there's something about you… you know… you can sometimes get a feeling about people pretty quickly, and I have a very good feeling about you… and again, that's coming from someone with social anxiety… I mean… it's rare I like people THAT quick….

Kris: He nodded agreeing Me too he sniffled his nose, looking at the floor I uh… I…. I would like if…. he took a deep shaky breath I would like if you could hu- his voice broke

Andy: he quickly reached out, wrapping his arms tight around Kris, stroking his back gently Is this okay? he spoke in a warm, caring tone

Kris: He nodded soft against Andy's shoulder, digging his fingers into Andy's back

[im-always-the-problem-its-me]

let's get lost and break down in a town we've never been in. let's not sleep and wander around a hotel parking lot after midnight, chainsmoking, flooding people's inboxes with insanity, all while trying to decide whether or not to cut your entire family out of your life.

jesus christ. since i made it through a ridiculous family ordeal recently of course my mind starts thinking about camille preaker. so i'm day drinking and watching sharp objects for the fifth time.

i had a dumb call from my stepdad. and an even dumber call from my mother less than an hour later. i'm not your fucking parent anymore. i cannot help you with anything. just like you told me while you were raising me that you couldn't help me with anything. when i tried to break away from you at 19 i was beat up in the driveway. i didn't even bother calling the cops because i really wished you'd killed me.

fuck. as i'm writing i get a dumbass call from my sister. i already know what she's going to say when she calls me back after being interrupted by a call.

phone tag in my family isn't even our most dangerous game.

fuck. i don't want to deal with this.

i've cut off family in the past and when i guiltily crawled back a few years later (like i had done something wrong when i hadn't) i STILL hear about it every time there's some issue.

i'm too fucking old for this.

other 'not so immediate' family doesn't understand. i had to hear 'why do you hate your mom?' 'you're a bitch just like your mom' etc etc for two days stuck with cousins after our car broke down. jokes. but dammit they cut deep. especially since one of the main reasons i was even on this trip was as a favor to my mother that she didn't even give me the option to say no to.

if one more person says 'you're ok, you're fine, there's nothing wrong with you' etc to me i might just scream. this week all i wanted to do was sleep. i vowed not to touch my phone, not to write, etc.

but honestly, if i don't write, i lose it. it's not healthy to not write and just try to keep everything inside of me. and also, i'm not sleeping well but at least i'm getting some.

i was supposed to see HIM tomorrow but i told him not to come because i didn't know if i'd even be home. probably for the best. since SO and i had the little fight before i left i really don't need to be fucking around and have something dumb happen because i'm in a fucked up place. i've never cheated. why start now? i know how to keep my feelings in check and not act on them. i know how to behave. i just worry about the 'fuck everything' attitude i have lately.

on the creative front, i really want to enter stuff into a couple of writing contests and a few submission deadlines are looming as well that i was going to try for. but i can't seem to get past my own bullshit when it comes to writing and end up journaling angrily or writing posts like this. i'm trying to alchemize these fucked up feelings into fiction or poetry and it's just not happening. dammit.

and not that i want to get into it too deeply because i really can't or i'll lose it, but the world is so fucked up right now and i feel that and try to avoid it at all costs but how can anyone? it's like, what's the point of anything?

but survival mechanisms and whatnot. the drive to keep going until you really can't anymore. those are the fumes i'm living on.

i'm also suddenly reminded of a conversation between us cousins on the trip where it felt like a fucking trauma or oppression pissing contest. like, come on. (we're native by the way) the last thing i wanted to do was get into a dumb political discussion but there i was. i listen. i speak. i don't debate. one cousin wanted a debate and i politely told him to fuck off. everyone has an opinion and everyone's allowed one and i'm not here to change anyone's mind on anything. so that got shut down real quick.

i'm a little buzzed so I'm going to just veg out and watch camille preaker lose her fucking mind (and i don't blame her). i'm not answering any more phone calls if any family member calls cuz i'm done for the day.

this too shall pass and all that, right?

but fuck it needs to hurry up and pass already.

[transqrow-moved]

this episode was really just one long lighting flex