#i've been struggling in my relationship with my sexuality for the past few months and it hurts

[blackbeardsemophase]

.

[scarrletmoon]

About Powder Blue

This is going to be long. There are going to be discussions of suicide and trauma. This is going to be a bit of a jumbled mess because I can't tell a linear story to save my life. Don't feel like you need to read this, now or ever.

If you're wondering what the issues with PB were, and looking for what's next, read the indented text and skip the rest if you want!

I've had a bit of a...tumultuous relationship with the OFMD fandom. I've made close friends and lost them, made even closer friends who've very patiently reminded me of my worth when I needed that. I'm at a point where I'm still struggling, but I'm getting better. I'm still working on not being afraid. It's a bit of an uphill battle, but I'm still pushing my little boulder. I'm not alone this time, which is nice.

I entered the fandom as a nobody. I had almost 50 fics on AO3 and two had mildly popped off while I wasn't looking, but I wasn't really known for anything. I was a fandom ghost, posting my little fanfics and sharing them with the world because I just enjoyed the characters so much. Like a lot of people, I dreamed of being known for something. I thought that'd be neat.

I'm still in a state of shock and confusion that I've written anything in the past 2 years that people remember and even love. It's weird to be in a place where I never imagined myself to be. I can't stress enough how much I did not write explicit fic before this fandom; in high school, I would've welcomed a porn ban. I was afraid of my own sexuality, convinced it was some sort of monster I had to control. Convinced I was dirty. To other people my age, I was a prude, naive and childish for not being comfortable with it. So I feel for people who lash out now, who insist that attraction is actually fetishization, that if we set enough rules, maybe if we resist temptation, we'll be saved. I see you, and I feel for you. I personally don't think that's a healthy way to live, but if you'd told me that 2 years ago, I would've cussed you out. It's really a realization you have to come to (or not) on your own terms.

Anyway.

I know it's tacky to talk about your own success but it doesn't feel real. I go back and forth, reading other people's work -- and my god, there's some unbelievable talent in this fandom -- and thinking "shit, why would anyone read anything I've written? My stories are kindergarten finger paintings next to museum masterpieces". I am learning, slowly -- very slowly -- that I can't bully myself into a shape I like better. I'll never abuse myself into the kind of writer I think I want to be.

The first chapter of Powder Blue was written on a random day of the week after work. I was in a server -- the first fandom server I'd properly joined and talked in, watching a convo about how funnyt it would be for Ed to be a middle aged sugar baby -- when I pulled out my laptop and wrote for an hour and then posted that chapter to the server. I hadn't written for five years before OFMD. I had never finished a multi chapter fic. I posted that chapter and went to make dinner, and assumed the Google Docs link would get lost in that channel after a few likes.

That's not what happened.

The next few months were...a lot. My 7 year old Twitter account blew up from about 200 followers to 1000 in a matter of months. I was misinterpreted half a dozen times. Suddenly, people knew who I was and had Opinions. Some of those Opinions were Not Nice. I was told to grow a thick skin and get over it. So I figured my extreme reactions -- physical shaking, intense fear, a spiking heart rate, like I was being chased -- were just me being weak. I thought if I just sucked it up and laughed it off, it'd stop affecting me.

Turns out RSD is real and not an excuse I was using to be a baby, and it literally didn't get better until I was medicated! Wild

(This -- "I'm just overreacting and everyone else is secretly handling it better" -- has been a pretty consistent pattern my entire life, so figuring out I'm actually AuDHD has been mindblowing. If you've been wondering why you're so weak your whole life, I've got some screening tests you might be interested in).

Anyway my point is, a few things happened over the course of 2023 that brought me to a level of emotional pain I've never experienced.

At the start of the year, I was taking a self imposed internet break, after being forced to apologize for a tweet thread about Izzy, where I'd made the mistake of suggesting that fans of his should consider thinking about why they enjoy his character, but to only do this if they wanted to and ignore me if they didn't. This was taken as me being a hypocrite, and accusing Izzy fans of being terrible people. I apologized, vowed to never mention him again, and left Twitter for a month. Around the same time, a few things in a very close friend group went very wrong. I assumed it was entirely my fault for misbehaving, picked myself up, and tried to punish myself into a shape that would be acceptable for other people.

It didn't work.

Since I was now marked as an anti-Izzy bully, I couldn't say anything -- either on Twitter or in private -- that wouldn't be interpreted as me trying to start fights, as me being passive aggressive, as me trying to send covert messages for others to decipher so they could come and grovel for my forgiveness. Some of this is my fault -- it took a long time to learn than my private locked Twitter account isn't a diary. it took even longer for me to learn that maybe the people I was hanging out with weren't my people.

During all of this, I was posting Powder Blue after months of tears, pain, heartbreak, frustration and stress. I still don't understand why people write books for work or FUN. It was the most horrific experience of my life. It was valuable and so rewarding but jesus christ did writing PB take a lot out of me.

So as I felt less connected to my friends, as I was trying to hide how I felt because I thought I didn't deserve to be upset about anything (everything is always my fault, you see, and if I just behaved better, these things wouldn't happen to me), someone came to me and said they'd noticed some issues with Powder Blue. I'll refer to this person as the reader.

I was more than happy to hear them out. And it's true that I made some mistakes. The environment that I published PB in was not the one that I wrote it in. I didn't read any other sugar daddy/sex work fics as I was working on PB. PB was never a reaction to those fics. But because of those stories, which had handled things is harmful ways, there was suddenly a responsibility I'd never expected to have. I've never done sex work, I've just spent a lot of time listening to sex workers and trying to understand the legislation and environment as much as I can as a lay person. And since I don't have a personal experience with sex work, I shared my finished but rough draft with the reader, who did.

The problem, ultimately, is not something I could ever have fixed to their satisfaction. The fic doesn't involve dubious consent on a level that I think warrants an archive warning tag -- I tried to make it explicitly clear that Ed never does anything he doesn't want to, and that he's never coerced. The issue is that the nature of Ed and Stede's relationship is inherently uneven -- Stede is rich, and although he gives Ed money that's his to keep, Ed still isn't as obscenely wealthy as Stede is. Ed is poor and has been for a while. He's good at whatever he chooses to do, but he's struggling. That's a very uncomfortable spot to put Ed in. I also put Ed through some things that I've personally been through, as a way to work through my feelings and to try and better understand myself. If I was acting like Ed in real life, the reader is right that it would be concerning. But, importantly, Ed's not real. Nothing in this story is happening to a real person. Nothing in this story is an endorsement of any of his behaviours or unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I still believe the reader had good intentions -- the amount of effort they put into coming to me would be utterly bizarre for someone who was just looking to be cruel for no reason. But that also doesn't change the fact that being told I was having a trauma response and needed to stop working on the fic immediately, pushed me into the most suicidal period I've ever experienced.

That's not their fault. I'm sure that wasn't their intention. I've chosen to not try and find out who they are, or try to contact them again to respect their privacy. Some of the things people said to me, publicly dismissing the reader's pain, were so harrowing to read that it made me feel worse for ever writing PB in the first place. They were right to stay anonymous.

I'm sure the reader never meant for me to have such a massive breakdown that I took down the entire fic and left Twitter (and a few friend groups). It's been difficult to understand that just because someone didn't mean to hurt me, doesn't change the fact that I was hurt.

One silver lining is that I did go and find a new therapist. She's great! And she also thinks that how the reader tried to bring things up to me was wrong. As the reader obviously saw, I have a lot of Trauma, so I'm still not entirely convinced that I didn't deserve what happened to me. I'm not angry at them. I appreciate their concern. I just can't do what they asked of me. In the end, Powder Blue was not a story that was right for them. And that's okay.

My point in detailing all of this, is that I stayed quiet for a long time because I didn't think I deserved to tell my part of the story. I was scared that when people said they respected my choice to take down the fic, that they agreed I'd some something impossibly harmful. People trusted my judgement but I didn't trust myself. But people didn't know that I didn't trust myself.

Additionally, reader can't speak on this without revealing themself in some way. I'm terrified that they might read this and say something anyway. My biggest fear is becoming the kind of writer who sees negative criticism and pushes on anyway, or even blocks people who disagree with me. I don't want to hurt anyone the way I've been hurt.

BUT I've been holding onto this for months. I cannot write a perfect fic that will never trigger anyone. I will never write a meaningful story that won't hurt someone, no matter my intentions. There IS a way to admit you fucked up, or a way to listen and disagree, without turning into a raging asshole. I'm struggling to find that line. I'm hoping I'm making the right choice here.

And honestly, I'm just soft. I am so fucking soft. I talk a big game but I am so soft that a single person poking at my trauma caused me to break down so severely that my partner was legitimately afraid for me. I am learning that this softness doesn't mean I should become a crueler person to cope. But it's hard. There are going to be people who see this post and think I'm being a whiny crybaby looking for attention and pity. And I just have to deal with that.

Anyway. All previous chapters of PB will be up soon. Read them or don't. I will do my best to add more detailed trigger warnings. And I would personally suggest that if you're worried about any of the content in the fic, to run these worries past a friend who's read the fic, because they'll know you better than I ever will. Please don't read Powder Blue if you think it'll harm you. I would rather have fewer readers than triggered ones.

If there's anything I've missed that you think I need to address, know that my inbox is open, that anon is on, and that I'm not in the business of retaliating against people who come to me with an issue, even if they're a dick to me while they're doing it. I'm not going to dismiss someone because they weren't nice to me while they were upset. I'm a bitch but I'm not that kind of bitch.

So. Thank you for waiting for this fic. Thank you for waiting for me. We've got something like 16 chapters to go, and I can't tell you when they'll be up, or if they'll be up soon. But thank you for loving this story. I can't tell you how much that means to me, especially now.

Love,

Scarr

[punkshort]

Moving Day

Summary: You help Maria pack and move into Tommy's house. You spend the time discussing the Miller brothers, and Joel grows curious about what was said.

Pairing: Joel Miller x F!reader, established relationship, set in the TWWW universe, no use of Y/N.

Warnings: language, sexual references, fluff, alcohol

Word Count: 2.8K

November 2005

"You've got a lot more stuff than I expected, considering the world ended," you teased Maria as you pushed a box full of clothes across her living room floor and into the entryway.

"Excuse me, but I seem to remember moving your shit twice in the past year, I think you owe me one," she said, giving it right back to you as she came around the corner to place another box on top of the one you just moved.

You held up your hands in surrender before wiping the sweat from your forehead and turning back towards the living room. Even though it was November, it was an unseasonably warm day, which was perfect weather for moving, but not nearly as enjoyable for packing.

You plopped back down in front of a bookshelf and began picking up books and knick knacks from the shelves, wrapping anything that looked fragile as you went.

"So, big step, huh?" you prompted, glancing over at Maria from across the room, who was busy wrapping up dishware. She looked up at you and grinned.

"Yeah, I guess so. It's been almost a year, and I spend most of my time at his house, anyway," she shrugged, trying to downplay it, but you could tell she was excited.

"So, how did it come up?" you asked as you leaned back on your palms, looking for an excuse to take a break.

"He asked me one morning," Maria said with a shy smile. "He tried to make it come off like it would just be easier for me if I kept some stuff over at his place." She came over to your side of the room and sat down on the floor against the couch, eager to tell you the story.

"So then I said, 'Well, maybe it'll just be easier for me if you came here,' you know? I wasn't going to let him off that easy," she laughed.

"Oh yeah, you gotta make him ask you, make him sweat a little bit," you replied, and you both giggled before she continued.

"I eventually dragged it out of him, and he was so nervous, it was kind of sweet. He immediately went around town rounding up any boxes or totes that weren't in use, like I was gonna change my mind," she told you as she smiled and shook her head at the memory.

"That's cute. I can't picture him nervous," you said, "he always seemed so steady."

"You know, you never told me what it was like knowing them before all this," she said, leaning forward. "I've heard little bits and pieces from you and Tommy, but there's gotta be some funny stories you can tell me."

"I had only worked for them for a few months before the outbreak. I really didn't know them too well," you admitted, then added, "well, I obviously talked to Joel more than Tommy."

"Well, what was Tommy like?" Maria asked. You hesitated, remembering Tommy's reputation at work.

"Uhh..." you started, struggling with what you should tell her. She laughed at your obvious discomfort.

"It's alright, you can tell me. I know he used to get around," she assured you, and you flashed her a smile of relief before continuing.

"Yeah, he was a bit of a flirt," you told her with a shrug. "But he was always super nice. Harmless. My friend had the biggest crush on him. Most people saw Tommy as the nice one and Joel as the scary one. They always went to Tommy for a signature or approval before Joel, that's for sure."

"Did he ever... flirt with you?" she asked hesitantly, and you shook your head violently.

"No! Oh god, no. Nothing like that. He preferred to torture Joel about me, instead," you laughed, remembering the night he walked in on you and Joel alone in the conference room.

"I didn't think you and Joel got together until much later?" she asked, confused.

"We didn't. But we had feelings for each other. And we might have kissed once when we were drunk," you quickly admitted, scrunching your face in mock disgust.

"Of course you did," she laughed. You sat together in comfortable silence for a moment before something occurred to Maria.

"I guess you guys never got to have a traditional relationship," she stated, thinking over the timeline. "I mean, you never saw a movie or went dancing. It was just - boom - apocalypse."

"Yeah, I guess so. We even slept in the same bed before we were 'together'," you shrugged, sitting back up so you could continue to pack some books.

"Did you ask him to move into the house with you?" she asked, referring to the house Joel had updated just for you after you moved to Jackson. You thought for a moment, and smirked.

"I kind of just told him," and Maria laughed. "I'm serious! I don't think I even gave him a choice now that I think about it."

"Well, I don't think he's complaining," she teased, and you grinned.

"No, definitely not," you agreed, quirking an eyebrow. Maria watched you for a minute as you finished filling the box in front of you, folding the flaps in so the contents wouldn't spill out.

"Tommy tells me all the time how different Joel is since he's met you," she began, and you looked up at her, curious.

"He just says Joel used to be kind of an asshole. Says you softened him up," she said, poking you in the shoulder, making you smile.

"He was kind of an asshole," you agreed, pushing the box across the floor to join the others in the entryway. "I didn't care though," you said, dusting your hands on the sides of your jeans as you walked back into the room. "I was just drawn to him, you know?"

"Must be something in their genes," she said, nodding. Then her eyes widened, realizing the double meaning to her words. "I mean genes with a G!"

You both burst out laughing, clutching your stomachs while tears streamed down your faces until you could hardly breathe.

"Either one probably works," you said with a grin once you finally calmed down, starting the waves of laughter all over again.

"What're you ladies laughin' about?" Tommy's voice broke through all the noise, making you and Maria jump. You turned around to find both brothers standing in the entryway, watching you with identical smirks.

"Nothing," Maria told him, wiping a tear from her eye before giving him a kiss.

"Didn't sound like nothin'," Joel said as he passed by Maria on his way to your side, wrapping one arm around your shoulders for a half hug and a kiss on the top of your head.

"How was patrol?" you asked, looking up at Joel standing next to you, who had been watching Tommy size up Maria's boxes by the door.

"Uneventful," he said, turning his attention back towards you. Even after all this time, he still managed to take your breath away when he looked at you. His eyes were always filled with so much warmth as he gave you an adoring smile. It made you think about what Maria just told you - that you "softened" Joel up - and you were inclined to agree. You hadn't known Joel very long before the outbreak, but you knew him well enough to be able to tell that he always treated you very differently than others.

"What're you lookin' at me like that for?" he asked you with a glint in his eye.

"Can't I just look at you?" you teased.

"You're givin' me the look. What the hell were you two talkin' about today?" he said quietly, his eyes flitting over to Tommy quickly before landing back on you.

"I'll tell you later," you promised him. You took a step forward towards the boxes by the door but Joel's grip on your hand stopped you. His feet planted firmly on the ground caused you to swivel back to face him.

"I won't forget," he warned you before loosening his grip on your hand and letting you walk over to help Maria lift a box.

Joel picked up the last one with a grunt and followed you out the door.

"Those two seem to have hit it off real well," Tommy said to Joel. He was pouring drinks for everybody in the kitchen, while you and Maria talked animatedly over a board game that was being set up in the living room.

"Yeah, I'd say so," Joel replied, his gaze still glued to you, watching as your face lit up and your head tipped back in laughter.

"She seems a lot more like herself," Tommy said, his eyes following Joel's gaze. "She still doin' alright?"

Joel nodded, finally tearing his eyes away from you to look at his brother.

"Yeah, she's doin' great. I think bein' here in Jackson helped. Bein' safe. Knowin' you. Havin' Maria to talk to," Joel said as he reached for his glass of whiskey.

"And how 'bout you? How're you doin'?" Tommy asked quietly, not wanting you or Maria to overhear. Joel shrugged.

"Better. Panic attacks are rare. I don't tell her, but I still struggle with men lookin' at her like that. Caught a couple of newer guys checkin' her out the other night at the bar. Had to pretend I didn't feel good so we could leave," Joel admitted, taking a swig of his drink.

"Well, some of that's normal. Makes my hairs stand up, too, if I see someone starin' a little too long at Maria. Just can't beat the shit outta 'em, Joel," he said with a chuckle.

"Yeah, well. I'm still workin' on it," Joel replied, his eyes traveling back to you.

"It's good the panic attacks are goin' away," Tommy said, and Joel nodded.

"I think it's all her," he told Tommy, still looking at you. "Whenever she's around I'm just... at peace, I guess."

Tommy stared at his brother for a moment, watching the way Joel looked at you in the other room. His eyes wide and soft, and a smile turning up the corners of his mouth as you laughed at something Maria said.

"I'm happy for you, Joel," Tommy said, his voice so full of sincerity, it made Joel's head turn back in his direction. "You look the happiest I've ever seen you. You deserve it."

Embarrassed, Joel waved him off and took another drink from his glass, motioning for Tommy to top off their drinks before joining you back in the living room.

"And I'm happy for you, little brother," Joel said, clapping his shoulder and reaching his glass out to clink against the one in Tommy's hand. "Finally growin' up and settlin' down. Never thought I'd see the day."

Tommy laughed and shook his head.

"Well, when you know, you know," Tommy said, grabbing Maria's glass and nodding towards the living room.

Joel considered Tommy's words for a moment before picking up your glass and following him.

"Can I get you another one?" Maria asked you as she got up from the couch with her empty wine glass. You shook your head with a yawn.

"I don't think so, but thanks. I'm beat," you told her as she grabbed your glass on her way to the kitchen, putting both in the sink before returning to her spot curled up next to Tommy.

After moving all of Maria's boxes into Tommy's house, the four of you sat around in the living room listening to music, playing games and having a few drinks. Most of the last hour was spent talking shop about patrol while you and Maria half-listened and quietly discussed redecorating ideas for the house.

You yawned again, and this time, Joel noticed.

"Well, we should be headin' out. I think we all had a long day. And this one's got work in the mornin'," he announced, hitching a thumb in your direction. You groaned when you remembered you had to work at 9am tomorrow and stood from the armchair.

"Thank you so much for spending your day off helping me," Maria said, giving you a quick hug.

"It was no problem. I would have been bored anyway," you assured her with a smile. You turned to see Joel clap Tommy on the back in farewell as he headed to the door to pull his boots on.

"Alright then, you two. Thanks again," Tommy said to you both as you walked through the front door. You gave them a quick wave over your shoulder as you made your way down their steps and out onto the street to head home.

It wasn't too late, probably around 9 o'clock, but given the time of year, the sun set so early that it looked like it was the middle of the night.

"Didn't bring a coat?" Joel asked, shrugging his off to drape over your shoulders. You shook your head.

"It was so warm all day, I didn't think of it," you told him as you dipped your nose into the collar of his coat, inhaling his scent as you made your way home to the new neighborhood in Jackson.

His hand sought yours out at your side and he laced your fingers together, pulling a small smile across your face while you admired the small string lights draped overhead.

"So things must be getting serious with them, movin' in together and all that," Joel said, and you nodded.

"Yeah, I guess so. Did you know it's been almost a year since they started dating?"

Joel shook his head as you rounded the corner into the new neighborhood.

"Time flies," he said, and you nodded. "It was nice of you to help her out today."

"Well, she's my friend. Of course I would help her. Besides, she pointed out she's already helped move my stuff twice, so I kind of owed her," you told him with a smirk as you walked up your porch steps.

You pushed the front door open and flicked the light on, then turned to Joel to hand his coat back to him. He shut the door and took the coat from your hand.

"What were you laughin' about?" he immediately asked once the door shut, taking you by surprise. He grinned at your expression. "Told you I wouldn't forget."

You rolled your eyes and walked to the kitchen to get some water.

"It wasn't anything interesting, it was just girl stuff," you tried, but he tsk'd at your answer.

You were filling up your glass at the sink when you felt his hands wrap around your waist. Distracted, you noticed at the last second that your water was about to overflow and cursed as you quickly turned the faucet off.

With two fingers, Joel gingerly lifted the glass from your grip and placed it off to the side on the counter. You turned around to face him, his hands coming to rest on the edge of the sink behind you, effectively caging you in.

"That mean you were talkin' about me?" he asked lowly.

"Ok, yes, but not in a bad way," you finally caved, running your hands up his chest. "We were talking about the both of you, and how charming you are," you explained, leaning up to plant a small kiss on his jaw. You felt his muscles relax under your lips as you made your way slowly down to his throat.

"Then why were you laughin'?" he asked again, and you sighed before pulling back.

"Alright. Maria made a joke about you and Tommy. She basically said you're both so charming that it must be something in your genes." You looked at him, waiting for him to get the joke, but he just continued to give you a confused look.

"Genes? Jeans?" you tried again, tugging on his belt loop with the last word.

A slow smile spread across his face.

"Yeah, okay, that's pretty funny," he admitted. He leaned down and slotted his lips against yours, and you could taste the whiskey on him when he deepened the kiss. You wrapped your arms around the back of his neck, pulling him closer as his hands found their way back to your hips.

You squealed when he suddenly stooped down to lift up your legs, wrapping them around his waist before flattening his hands against your back, pinning you to his chest as his tongue swirled around yours. One hand traveled up to the back of your neck as he turned, walking the two of you towards the living room.

"What are you doing?" you giggled, your hands digging into his shoulders.

"Takin' you to the couch so we can put that 'jeans theory' to the test."

A/N: This was just a cute little idea I came up with one night, I hope you guys enjoy :)

Tag List: @chiogarza, @sparklejumpropequeen-777, @shotgun-shelby @partyofone3413 @nana90azevedo @ninaminaromina

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being semi-close to someone a lot younger than me?

This is something I've been worried about for a while, but it's become more prominent lately after me seeing several people say it's inherently creepy for an adult (or even just way older person) to be interacting with a child. And I really don't want to be like that, I don't want to hurt a kid ever, especially since I know what it's like to be groomed myself.

So I (18F) have known this kid (13) for about 3 years now. They reached out to me online because of similar interests- mainly in games and in YouTube channels, and we bonded a lot over that. They didn't have their age in their bio so I didn't immediately know their age, but I did find out a few months in.

Over the course of when we've known each other I've been as careful as I can to be age appropriate. I never bring up anything sexual for obvious reasons (the only time it ever came up was them asking what a sexual term meant, which made me very uncomfortable and I tried to change the subject... to which they started repeatedly inappropriately using the word. They ended up looking up the definition and where horrified. Even that conversation makes me feel wrong).

I also make sure to not put any of my personal issues on them. I couldn't always hide when I was upset- both because for the first year of us knowing each other I had unmedicated ADHD that made my mood swing a lot, and for the past 2 1/2 years or so I've been in a very toxic relationship that I still don't know how to get out of and quite frankly, am scared to get out of because I don't know how they'll react if I do actually leave them. Do to this, there's been times they could tell something was off and would ask me what's wrong. I avoided telling them as much as possible, just giving them something vague and reminding them that it's not their responsibility to help me, because they would always try to help cheer me up, and even that didn't feel right because they're a kid. They should be focusing on themself, not me. The worst of this though, is there was a time I was struggling heavilly with suicidal thoughts. I was planning to attempt, and sent out a vague "goodbye" type message, trying not to make it too obvious what was happening. They caught on though. They weren't the one who helped me calm down from that but I still know how awful it is to be sitting there, scared you're going to loose someone important to you. Especially for a kid. I've apologized for that happening many times, and it hasn't repeated, but every time they just go "It's fine, you were a struggling kid too back then" as if that makes that okay. It doesn't feel right.

Throughout the 3 years we've known each other, I've also tried to help out where I can with several issues they've had. Which was pretty much just me giving advice for how to handle difficult situations where I felt I could, and offering comfort and reassurance where I couldn't. Among other things, I helped them recognize several instances where other people they met online where intentionally trying to groom them. I explained to them that it wasn't normal for someone my age to want to be with them/find them attractive, because there where several instances of them telling me of 15/16 year olds getting with them. That no responsible person my age would be doing that to them, and that it wasn't okay for them to do that.

Because of the help I've given them, I notice they look up to me quite a lot. They have told me they see me as a role model and "the best person they know" (I can guarantee I'm not, and have tried to get them to not see me that highly because that seems unhealthy). They even see me as a sort of parental figure, including calling me parental-like names. That by itself I don't mind too much, I know they had a terrible home-life and didn't feel they could actually look up to their real life parents. So if I am giving them something I think every child deserves to have (a parental role model they can look up to), I'm glad. I just worry I'm not as good a role model for that as they think I am, and that I'm a creep, just like the ones I have gotten away from them in the past. I do care about them a lot, and do see them in that sort of familial way, and I want to protect them and help them have a better life, because I know they have struggled a lot and if I am able to help them, I want to. But I'm worried I'm causing the same harm that has been caused to me, and that others have tried to/have caused to them in the past without even realizing what I'm doing wrong. I don't want to be like those creepy assholes.

AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[celestialjellie]

Insomnia is kicking my ass, so I wanna just word vomit about Marcille, and just Dungeon Meshi as a whole.

Spoilers for the Dungeon Meshi manga, and trigger warning for mentions of Suicide.

I find myself relating to Marcille in a lot of different ways. One of these way is her relationship with her dad. Ask any of my friends and they'll confirm that my dad was one of the most important people in my life. I lost him in 2020 to cancer; I got genuinely so emotional when I saw Marcille reminiscing about her dad to the others. And how she wishes she got more time with him

These kind of stories always seem to rewonate with me because I feel like my dad was taken from me too soon as well. Marcille's facial expression in the bottom panels is an expression I'm all too familiar with making. When talking about my dad (especially with people who never got the chance to meet him) its always really bittersweet. Its great because I'm able to talk about the greatest man I've ever known, but painful too because I know I'll never be able to talk to him again, be able to cry in his shoulders, be able to turn to him for help. And it hurts.

Theres also how Marcille views death inregards to herself, and her loved ones.

This part made me genuinely cry because, in a way, I know how it feels. While its not necessarily in regards to death (I have had some harsh deaths in my life, like my dad's passing, and two friends of mine taking their own lifes) I do know how painful it can be to say goodbye to people, which is how Kui expresses Marcille's fear of death in Dunmeshi. With Marcille's long life she's going to likely outlive everyone she loves and thus have to say goodbye to them. I also have had to say goodbye to people I didn't want to: be it because of death, ending a toxic friendship,or other reasons. I also just love this part because you can see how badly everything that transpired in that chapter affected her, after bringing everyone back her first instinct was to chew them all out for being so reckless, but when ahe finally verbalizes what had happened her emotions catch her, and all she can do is fall back against the wall and begin crying.

I also just love how immediate Laios and Senshi is to comfort, and apologize to her, as well as promising that they won't put her through that again.

I remember I was texting my friend Terra and we were joking about Marcille being my favourite because she's a "silly gay elf" but my love for Marcille can be summed up with "I came for the silly gay elf mage, but I stayed for the beautifully written character who struggles with issues that I frequently find myself struggling with.

Additionally I just love how Laios and the others talk Marcille downfrom the edge after she's become the master of the dungeon, it reminds me of all the times my friends have talked me down from my own edge (I love you guys 💖)

Marcille's sexuality is another thing I resonate with. I know that Kui never explicitly states anything, but as a queer person I had a hard time reading Marcille and Falin's relationship as anyother other than romantic, like, we've all seen horny Marcille's "whoa hey!" reaction to Chimera Falin tearing her own shirt off (honestly such a valid reaction from her), but the part that really got me was how tender and loving Marcille is with Falin after she's been resurrected.

My sexuality is something I've been struggling with a lot recently. A little over a year ago my boyfriend of nearly 8 years left me, and up until recently I was identifying as bisexual. However within the past few months I've found myself caring less and less for sex, and a strong desire for the roamntic aspects of a relationship, specifically with women. So seeing Marcille look at Falin with such adoration really resonated with me; I just really love their relationship.

This series is just so amazing, and it resonated with me in so many different ways from everything I've mentioned in this post about Marcille, to things like how Laios is such an amazing allegory for living with autism, to how Senshi has helped myself get a better, healthier relationship with food. Itw just an amazing series and easily in my top 5 anime/mangas.

That is all, I'm gonna try to get some sleep now, here have a dancing Marcille as thanks for reading.

[startrekfangirl2233-writes]

Better Than Revenge

Part 4 of You Play Stupid Games, You Win Stupid Prizes

Jake ‘Hangman’ Seresin x Reader, Past! Bradley ‘Rooster’ Bradshaw x Reader

Description: It's been a year since you fell in love with Jake Seresin. You'd be a fool if you didn't count yourself so incredibly lucky to know and love him. You adore Jake for everything he is and everything he tries to be for you. But you're not above proving to the world, shouting from the rooftops that Jake is the man for you. You finally get your chance while at a wedding in Italy when Bradley Bradshaw makes a nuisance of himself yet again.

Disclaimer: Female!Reader

Warnings: Sex. Sexual Themes. This chapter is mostly smut, okay?

The content presented in this story is for audiences age 18 and over only. MINORS DNI. I will not be accepting taglist requests from Blank or Ageless Blogs for this story.I do my best to portray adult relationships in this fic. Please do not interact with this story if you feel you are not ready to read about these themes.

Word Count: 4147

A/N: Here is Part 4 of You Play Stupid Games You Win Stupid Prizes! Jake and Bitsie have been through a lot together and I love them so much! This is the scene that started this whole series. This is the scene I first dreamed of and I've been working up to it for months! I really hope you all love it!

AO3: Cross-posted here!

My Masterlist

Previous Part | Series Masterlist | Next Part

You’d think that a girl who’s been deployed all over the world for the US Navy and to a certain capacity travels for her job would know how to be packed and ready far sooner than right before you leave. You’d think, anyhow. It’s currently 1 pm the day of your flight and while Jake is all packed with one itty bitty rolling suitcase and his uniform and a tux in their dress bags, you’re running around like a chicken with its head cut off. At least you’ve managed to get your dress laid out in its bag with Jake’s tux and uniform. You’ve also got your shoes packed in a corner of the suitcase in their special bag. It’s everything else to pack that you have no idea what you’re bringing. Jake’s no help. Every swimsuit you try on gets the same result: hungry eyes and fingers that try to paw the suit right off. 

Finally you settle for two bikinis, one in a classic black and the other a purple shade which looks amazing against your skin, as well as two one-piece suits. You weren’t expecting Jake to like the one-piece suits more, but with their plunging necklines and high leg, he hadn’t let you go for at least half an hour. 

So, a part of your struggles in packing are Jake. The other part is how nervous you are. This will be your first time meeting Jake’s other friends, his other colleagues. You're not sure if they truly like him or not, but damned if you're not resolved to like them and make them like you. It's the only thought in your mind as you finish slotting underwear, t-shirts, shorts and sundresses into your bag. You add a few more pairs of shoes and a cardigan for if it ever gets chilly and stand back in satisfaction. 

With your bag packed, it's easy for you to collect everything else. By the time Mickey's pulled up, you're ready to go. Jake's vibrating out of his skin the entire drive to the airport. After a year of dating, a year of loving him, you think you know exactly why he's so nervous. Pilots don’t generally like flying when they’re not in the cockpit themselves. Seeing as how you’ve never flown with Jake before, you guess you’ll see when you get on the plane. Check-in and security are smooth and before long, you’re on the plane. Before the plane even takes off Jake is white knuckling the arm rests with his eyes closed. You take his hand in yours and settle in for the ride. 

Halfway through the flight, you wake up from a nap to see Jake staring broodily out of the tiny airplane window. You push up the arm rest between you.

“Darling?” Normally calling him your darling makes him grin unabashedly. Today, he’s barely responding. You press a kiss against his knuckles, staring at his star-streaked profile as the moonlight seeps into the darkened cabin.

“Jake?” You tug gently on his hand until he turns to you. 

“Sweetheart?” His voice is hoarse and deep. It sends shivers down your spine as you tug him towards you, kissing his lips gently. When you pull away, his eyes stay closed for several long beats. You examine his face, cataloging the new dark patches under his eyes. He hadn’t slept well the night before, when you were home either, and normally he loves your bed.

 “What’s going on Jake?” You cup his cheek, tugging him down until your forehead is pressed against his.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Bitsie-girl.” You scrunch your nose before pecking his lips again.

“Uh-huh. Suuure.” You cuddle into his chest, drawing one of the thin, scratchy airline blankets up over his lap and yours. 

“Something’s eating at you, Jakey.” He kisses your forehead, breathing a little raggedly. “What’s going on? I thought you were excited beyond words to be Arrow’s best man?”

“I am excited for him.” He inhales deeply, tugging you in closer. "But I also don't know how I'll face him again."

"Why?" You snuggle closer to his broad chest.

His voice drops to a whisper, barely audible over the plane engines and the ambient cabin noise. "Because I'm the reason why he doesn't fly anymore. If I had been a little bit faster, I would've saved him and he wouldn't have to wear crutches to stand at the altar."

Your voice is vehement as you press a kiss over his heart. "You saved his life, Jake. You did. He wouldn't be getting married at all this week if it weren't for you. This is something to celebrate."

"Then why doesn't it feel like it, darling?" You can hear all of the emotion clogging his throat. "All of my old squadron members are going to be there. I haven't seen any of them since Arrow got sent home. What if they blame me for what I did? What if they hate me for not being fast enough? For being too cautious up in the air?"

It hurts your heart when you feel wet warmth smattering against your forehead. You just hug Jake to you tighter. You can't imagine what it's like to have to make snap decisions like that. All you can do is be there for Jake. You fall asleep like that, curled up in his arms, waking only when the flight attendants bring around the breakfast service.

Jake looks like he's feeling a little bit better, at least. He's back to being your very own ridiculous Texan puppy-dog of a man. Jake spends the remainder of the flight flirting unendingly with you and making you flush from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. There is no way you’ll ever be able to hide how he makes you feel. 

He’s still a bit off, you can tell, though his mask is near impenetrable. He smiles the same, laughs the same, but there is a part of what makes Jake, a special spark that is missing. The Hangman mask, his armor is back up. Indeed, if he were a castle, he’d have the drawbridge up and the moat filled with hungry crocodiles. When he’s in his own head like this, you know there is no way you’ll be able to get him to open up to you. You can only pray that he’ll work himself out of the funk, pray that you won’t lose him to his own intrusive thoughts.

It’s been about a week since you landed in Italy and you can’t be more in love with the experience if you tried. The food is amazing, the scenery takes your breath away and you adore waking up bare in your obscenely expensive cottage surrounded by wild roses with your boyfriend wrapped around you. Jake’s happy, it seems, so long as you are. He’s gone out of his way to make you smile this trip, but his nerves from the plane, the nerves he’s been hiding the entirety of your trip thus far, come out in full force when you’re at the wedding, specifically at the reception.

The entire function is happening in a gorgeous old villa in the countryside, with the reception taking place on the sprawling grounds. There are clusters of fragrant night-blooming roses perfuming the air with their delicate fragrance and with Jake by your side, now dressed in a perfectly fitted black tuxedo, you rather feel like Cinderella at the ball dancing with Prince Charming for the first time. 

Jake had been taciturn, his face a mockery of a smile the whole night, at least until he caught up with the groom. Arrow, Carson, as you’d learned was his given name, didn’t hold a grudge towards Jake at all. He’d hugged Jake after the ceremony and the two men had shed manly tears while you chatted with Amanda, Carson’s new wife, getting to know her.

Indeed, it seemed like none of Jake’s old squad held a grudge to him. He’d been greeted with smiles and bro-hugs all night long, slowly but surely untensing with each affectionate greeting and smiling face. In fact, he’d even danced with Mandy while Carson had swept you away in a dance later that night.

“You make him really happy, you know, Bitsie?” You smile at Carson, not minding the shuffling sway he’s got you in on the dance floor at all.

“He makes me really happy too, Carson.” You grin, seeing the way Mandy laughs, throwing her head back at what Jake says to her.

“Jake looks at you the way I look at my Mandy.” You giggle nervously at his words. 

“He does?” You’re sneaking besotted glances at Jake the entire time you talk to Carson on the dance floor.

“Yeah, he does. I haven’t seen him this happy, ever, I think, Bitsie. You bring out something special in him. Something which makes him glow in a way I’ve never seen before. You make him a better man.” You’re gaping at Carson when the song ends, pulling away from his polite grasp on your waist and hand to clap for the live band. “Take care of him, Bitsie. And thank you for getting him to come to this wedding. There was nobody else I would want to be my best man.”

You carefully hand Carson over to Amanda, not even minding when Jake gets pulled into the crowd of men around the groom as he does the garter toss. You meander your way over to the bar, and it’s as you grab a glass of Prosecco when you encounter Bradley Bradshaw again. You knew he was going to be at the wedding, so it’s not a surprise. You’d evaded him, time and again, from the moment you’d sat down on the groom’s side of the aisle. Having Jake as a six-foot-tall glaring guard dog certainly helped. So did having the insulatory presence of Amanda and her bridesmaids, all of whom were Jake’s ex-squad members’ partners and wives. The group had easily adopted you as one of their own and now you have a whole new set of girlfriends to get to know and keep up with when you’re all stateside again.

But now, as you take in the all too familiar scent of patchouli and cedar wood emanating from the man next to you, you can’t help wondering what he wants. All of your fond memories of your time with Bradley have soured. It’s like the curtains were pulled aside, letting daylight in. You finally see all of the flaws, hidden in plain sight.

“Hey, Bitsie.” He sounds oddly subdued, sad and very lonely. You’d half expected him to have Britney or Natasha on his arm tonight, but he’d come alone and stayed mostly alone the whole night through.

“Bradshaw.” You sip on your Prosecco, exuding your disinterest with everything you have. 

“Thank you, Bitsie.” At your little questioning hum, he continues. “Thank you for finding my mom’s wedding ring in that pawn shop.”

“Oh, you got the ring back?” Your tone is still light and half-disinterested. But you can’t help but feel a little rush of relief. In truth, other than the old woman at the pawn shop and her son, the only person you had told about what you did with Carole Bradshaw’s ring is Jake. He hadn’t been pleased, exactly, but he’d come around to your way of thinking after a little bit. You couldn’t in your right mind keep Bradley's mother’s wedding ring from him. The urge for revenge has long ago faded to dust.

“Yeah. A kind stranger tracked me down via the pawnshop owners. Britney,” He spits her name with disgust, “sold it to them complaining about how her ex was abusive and she was pregnant and needed money to run away from him to keep her unborn baby safe.” He chuckles mirthlessly, flagging the bartender down for another whiskey. “She then walked right into the liquor store across the street and bought a bottle of vodka which she drank right in view of the cameras.”

He’s tracing absent-minded circles on the bartop in front of him.

“How did I go so wrong, Bitsie?” He drags his hands distractedly through his curls. “I wish I’d never met her. She fucked up my entire life. I lost everything I’ve ever had because of her.”

“She single-handedly tanked my reputation, lost me my friends, and destroyed my relationship with the best girl I’ve ever known.” Now this, you weren’t expecting.

“You, Bitsie. She destroyed my relationship with you.” You're not sure how to respond. In your shock, he's even closer to you, so close you can smell the whiskey on his breath and see the glassy sheen in his eyes as he looks at you.

"I'm so sorry for that. Is there any way? Is there any way, at all, that you can forgive me? Is there any way you can give me another chance?" He's looking at you with puppy dog eyes, the brown orbs nearly glowing in the light.

"No, Bradshaw. I'm sorry. That door, that relationship between us? It's done. I've moved on. I wasn't lying when I told you all those months ago that I found somebody better. The best part is, he makes me better." Around you, the party erupts in cheers and whoops as the man who caught the garter is paraded around. To your happy surprise, it's Jake. He's grinning widely from ear to ear with the lacey garter hanging lopsidedly out of the breast pocket of his suit. His expression changes the minute he sees who you're talking to, though.

"Bradshaw." If your tone was cool, Jake's is like a glacier swept through the party. A crackling tension sets up between the two men looming on either side of you.

"Seresin." Bradley's got an evil glint in his eyes. "What's up? Afraid your girl will leave with me?" He chuckles. "Well, she picked me once. Who's to say she won't do it again?"

Jake's tense against your side. Rather than respond, you leave your glass on the counter, order a pair of shots and down both. Then you take Jake's hand and drag him out of the tent and into the garden. This is exactly why you would never even consider being with Bradley Bradshaw again. He goes from having a nice-ish moment to being a complete dick in seconds. 

You know Bradley's following you. You can hear quite clearly how he calls your name over and over. There's a maze on the grounds and you lead Jake there, pressing him into an alcove watched over by a greek-style statue of Venus. The marble is festooned in flowers and shines palely in the moonlight.

Jake's jaw is still clenched as you press him into the cool stone and kiss him like you want him to forget everything but your name. His lips are spit slicked and swollen when you pull away and his hands are hot against your waist as he paws absently at the fabric encasing you.

"What, Bitsie-girl, was that for?" He sounds wrecked already, a sizeable bulge in his pants as you drag your hand over his crotch.

"That was because I love you. You. Just you. Nobody else." You smile up at Jake, cupping his jaw in your hands, relishing in the soft pinpricks of his stubble against the pads of your fingers.

"I love you too, baby." He tries to drag you in for another kiss, but you're cognizant of eyes on your back. So, you drop to your knees in the gravel, letting your gown pool around you as you nuzzle against Jake's cock, staring coquettishly up at him through your eyelashes.

His gasp as you drag the zipper down and free his hard length is like music to your ears. Jake's length already glistens in the moonlight, the tip dribbling precum as you draw it between your cherry red lips. You struggled with blow jobs a lot in the early days of your relationship with Jake, never knowing how much suction to use or your own limits. But after a year of tutelage, you can suck Jake off in minutes now. He always feels like sin in your mouth, hard and velvety soft against your tongue.

Tonight, you're not in the mood to tease. You take him to the root, relishing the choked off gasp and how he grabs the edge of the alcove to keep from bucking into your face. You tease him, treating his cock like a popsicle, licking and sucking until he loses his control and actually begins fucking your face. You thank Venus herself for waterproof mascara as the insistent pace sets tears welling in the corners of your eyes. You know Jake's close to coming by the moans spilling out of his mouth. You glance up at him again and moan around his length as he cums. When he drags you up for a kiss, you stop him, showing off his spend coating your tongue before swallowing and parting your lips again to share how good you are.

"God, Sweetheart." Jake's voice is all drawl as he turns to cage you against the statue. "Look at you. All pretty, dressed up in a gorgeous gown with your mouth fulla my cum?"

"How did I get so lucky? How did I get you to be mine?"

You shrug cheekily in response, gasping as you feel cool stone against your bare back. Your gown gapes forward, baring your breasts to your heart's hungry gaze. You don't know when Jake unzipped you, but right now you could care less. 

Each longing glance from your boyfriend sets flames alight under your skin. You can't hide your moan when Jake mouths at your nipples. Your eyes nearly close in pleasure, but you still see Bradley Bradshaw, because who else would it be, standing just behind another statue looking right at you.

Your leg is wrapped around Jake's waist, the skirt of your dress rucked up around your waist. His hips grind his length up into you. You're just wearing panties under the dress and you wish you hadn't worn anything at all under it now. Jake's mouth is hot and wet over your peaked nipples as he leaves hickeys over the tender skin and makes you babble his name.

"My pretty Bitsie-girl. D'you want my dick, baby? D'you want it buried deep in that wet little hole?" He sucks harshly on one of your nipples, using your mewl of pleasure to bury two of his fingers into your cunt. Each thrust of his long fingers combined with the constant assault of his mouth on your tits has your head lolling, mind fogging with pleasure as you stare right into Bradley Bradshaw's eyes.

"Yes, Jakey. Yes, please. God, right there." You feel wicked and so turned on, staring into your ex boyfriend's eyes while your current boyfriend reduces you to a wet, drooling, mindless mess with his mouth and fingers. "Mm, you feel so good. Gonna come, Jakey. Don't stop! Don't stop."

You come with a scream, your back arching as you positively gush around Jake's fingers. He's grinning wickedly at you, his teeth trapping one perky nipple between them before he kisses you.

"There y'are. My wild, wild, Bitsie-girl. My sweetheart. God, you look so pretty like that, coming for me. I'm going to marry you, one day, pretty girl." You moan into the kiss he presses to your mouth, open mouthed and sloppy. "I'm gonna marry you and fuck you in your wedding dress, just like this."

Your voice is cheeky as you trace your fingers over his hard length. "Mmm… you're putting a lot of stock into your dick game, Cowboy. You haven't even fucked me yet. You gonna put your money where your mouth is?"

His groan is musical as he turns you around, pressing your bare tits into the cold marble and buries his cock in you with one swift thrust. It lifts you several inches, dragging your sensitive nipples across the marble and makes you moan so loud the sound echoes. Each thrust has you grasping the statue with shaking hands. Jake always feels so good, especially like this when he's all over you and he's all you can think about. Well, not everything. Despite your ragged breathing and the way Jake's hands and mouth are all over you, a wicked part of you hopes Bradley likes his show. 

You hope he gets the picture. You're done. You've moved on. Jake gives it to you better than he ever could. But it's a fleeting thought, quickly driven away by the cresting wave building in your gut and the way every fiber of your being is screaming for Jake. You feel all strung out, like your skin is too tight and you're shivering as a cool breeze blows over the garden. You're surrounded by the scent of Jake's cologne and hundreds if not thousands of roses blooming in the late night air.

The combination sinks into your skin, turning your arousal up a hundred-fold, making you thrust your hips back to meet his. The additional stimulation has you even closer to your second orgasm of the night, and you can hear Jake's groan in your ear, the special one that he always lets out when he's about to come himself.  You grab your skirt in one hand, rucking it up higher, and drag Jake's hands up with the other to fondle your tits.

The new angle when he reels you against his chest has your eyes crossing as every thrust hits your g-spot. You can already feel your pussy fluttering, spamming around his length as your orgasm builds and builds. You come with a scream when he pinches and tugs at your nipples, rolling them against his calloused fingers as you writhe in his arms. He follows after you with a bitten off curse shortly after.

Your face is hot and you can't help your whimper when Jake pulls away. He kisses your bare shoulder softly, murmuring, "I know, sweetheart, I know. Let's eat some cake and then you can have this cock all night, okay? My pretty Bitsie girl. My sweet slutty baby. You’re mine, Bitsie, baby. Mine."

You shudder when he settles your panties back in place, the lace quickly becoming sticky as your mixed cum drips out of you. You turn in his arms easily, kissing him until you're breathless. Jake lifts you up onto the base of the statue, grinning at your pout when the cold marble meets your hot, mostly bare ass. When he peppers kisses across your bare tits, you surreptitiously look for your voyeur. 

Surprisingly, or well, maybe not, Bradley Bradshaw is still where you saw him last. He's flushed, blushing profusely, so red he could glow like a neon sign. Did he get the message? You tug Jake closer, kissing him as you wrap your arms around his neck. Just in case Bradley didn't get the message, you flip him off with both hands behind Jake's head, soon losing yourself to the kiss.

It's about a quarter of an hour later when you walk back into the party. You'd cleaned up as best you could in one of the bathrooms, but you're sure nothing can actually hide your blissed out, well-fucked glow. Jake's not even trying to hide it. He walks up to Carson and you can't hide your giggle as all the men take one look at him and start smirking and laughing at him. The one man in the group who can't meet Jake's eyes is Bradley. He got the message, then.

You, of course, are bombarded with questions from Mandy, questions you can't help answering, all the while grinning mischievously at your new friend as she tells you she covered for Jake earlier. During her Bachelorette party a few days earlier, you'd actually told her the whole saga of Bradley and Jake and you. So she knows, and Mandy has never doubted your choice. It makes you happy to know that Jake has such good friends. 

It's not long at all before you and Jake make your exit from the party. The night, still perfumed with rose, seems filled with promise. So much so, that you can't hide your tears when Jake leads you into the small flower festooned gazebo in the garden of your rental cottage and asks you to marry him.

You say, well actually, scream "YES!", of course, and then promptly drag your fiancé into the bedroom for a 'she said yes' fuck. Bradley Bradshaw isn’t even a thought in your head. Not anymore. You can’t wait to hear what Jake says when you tell him you had an audience in the villa garden. Knowing him, you won’t be able to walk when he’s done with you.

Taglist:

✈️ @greenbaby12 ✈️ @mayhemmanaged ✈️ @desert-fern 

✈️ @roostersforevergirl ✈️ @cassiemitchell ✈️ @eli2447 

✈️ @the-romanian-is-bae ✈️ @luckyladycreator2 ✈️ @lunamoonbby 

✈️ @daphne-turner ✈️ @callsign-athena ✈️ @angeliccks ✈️ @dakotakazansky 

✈️ @daisydaisygoose ✈️ @inky-sun ✈️ @fighterpilothoe 

✈️ @pulisvertz ✈️ @wildxwidow ✈️ @angelbabyange

✈️ @chaoticassidy ✈️ @genius2050 ✈️@sarahsmi13s ✈️ @roosterforme

✈️ @lavenderbradshaw ✈️ @bobby-r2d2-floyd ✈️ @lovinglyeternal

✈️ @bradleybeachbabe ✈️

I DO NOT CONSENT TO HAVE MY WORK POSTED, TRANSLATED, OR PUBLISHED ON ANY SITES OTHER THAN HERE OR ON AO3 BY ME. IF YOU SEE MY WORKS ANYWHERE OTHER THAN HERE OR AO3, THEN THEY HAVE BEEN POSTED WITHOUT MY PERMISSION AND I WILL BE WORKING TO TAKE THEM DOWN.

[p-taryn-dactyl]

also guys, ig bc i have some sense of being anonymous online, i want to talk about my recent struggle with my sexuality. this is gonna be a little much for online people who probably don't give a crap but i still want to get it off my chest.

for years i've identified as bisexual, or more accurately, biromantic. and i love the bi community, it's strong and valid and vibrant and beautiful and i've loved every minute of being apart of such a supportive community. being bi is valid, being bi is real.

but in the past few months i've been 'haunted' by the idea of ending up with a man. everytime i imagine it, i think "so i'll never be with a girl?" and for the longest time i thought it was bc of all the biphobia i've seen on tiktok or other social media platforms constantly instill the idea that to be a bi woman you have to be with a woman at least once. but i think for me, it was something else. i never think "but what if i never be with a man" when imagining myself with a woman.

i was raised in a homophobic family, whether or not they choose to admit it. saying "we will love you no matter what but we will be sad that you're living in sin" is homophobic and isn't the comforting statement they believe it to be. for so long i grasped onto my bisexual identity bc at least that way i had a chance of not disappointing my family. family is everything to me, i was raised to be very close to my relatives and i am the eldest granddaughter of 16 cousins on my dads side, as well as the first grandchild of both sides. i want to see my younger cousins grow up, i want them to be in my life and i want to be in theirs. i want them to call, text, reach out when they want to tell me something, come to me, let me be a safe person for them. it hurts to see my cousins become attatched to me while there's the possibility their parents won't let them have a relationship with me if i ever come out. to be hated by my family is something that's incomprehensible to me but it might become a reality i'll have to face.

but i have to accept myself before i search for my family to accept me, so, not to sound like lady whistledown, dear readers i would like you all to be the firsts to know that i am starting to accept being a lesbian.

now, im still asexual since it is an umbrella term but that's another thing to unpack later lol.

i also should start believing that someone could love me. that's next on my road to internal self improvement.

thank you for listening 🫶🏻

edit: god i've never been more scared when pressing the post button before

[eruden-writes]

Soooo...

I've been struggling to write.

And, ah... I might have started writing a new story.

Involving a demisexual/reciprosexual human and an orc that owns a sex store. Like one with a theater in the back.

idk why I'm fascinated by these highly sexual settings.

Going to put my explanation/ideas beneath a read more.

The story I have in mind is going to have tons of sexual tension and awkwardness and not really any moneyshots - *ba dum tiss* - until later. Both are aware they're very different people and keep misreading (or believing they're misreading) signals that the other is throwing out. lol

None of this is canon yet, but I imagine the orc is used to sex just being this thing that happens. Part of him wants it to mean something, but between the sex shop and his past, it's usually just a delightful thing that happens except in few cases where it was more than physicality.

The human is just out of a long-term relationship and exploring who she is. However, unlike other versions of this in my stories, there's going to be some time jumps and the bulk of the story is a little later, when she's kind of figured her own shit out a bit more.

Like legit she goes by a shortened version of her name and gets hired on at the shop. It's not until he literally sees her full name on the tax document after she's hired that he realizes she's this person from x months (maybe a year?) ago that he accompanied to his shop's theater.

Also toying with the idea of there being a bit of an age gap between them. She's going to think he's cool and has experience in things she can only fantasize about. Meanwhile, he's over here thinking she believes he's sleazy and perverted and maybe a little too rough around the edges.

Thoughts, feelings, concerns?

[the-ghost-king]

I spent about two hours on this over the past couple of days in total, and I'm sure I've missed a few things and I guarantee that some of my opinions will not be shared by others and that's okay. I'm comfortable with people adding on their own thoughts and feelings and continuing on a conversation if they wish to.

Before I truly begin: this book isn't bad, that doesn't mean it's good it just means it's not bad. I think this book is both wonderful and awful, this book is both exactly what I expected and unlike anything I could have come up with. I will also clarify before you read this that I have never personally enjoyed any of Oshiro's work I've read, if you're someone who enjoys Oshiro's body of work there may be many places you disagree with me and I would like to note that ahead of time. I would also like to note that these are simply my initial thoughts, I finished TSATS two days ago and I have done some thinking and pondering over it since and these are the conclusions I have reached in that time. I cannot say how much of this I will agree with in a week, or a month, let alone three, or a year. I considered writing an essay and then decided a bullet point list would be sufficient, there is no order to these bullet points and some conversation points move in a circular way, I did not proofread this either. Also be aware there will be spoilers. Without further ado, my thoughts:

- Hades is weirdly ooc plus having him be responsible for this and him knowingly harming Nico and Nico just being like "oh ok i understand" undoes so much of the relationship progression from Pjo to BoO to ToA to here!!! Hades is still a god yes but he was becoming something of a father figure to Nico as well again and he just throws that all away because Nyx and Bob were "being annoying" and Nico is just… fine with that??? And they just jokingly brush the whole Hades loved more Bianca thing under the rug WITH MARIA RIGHT THERE

- Why are we reintroduced to Persephone like she's a new character? Sure it's from Will's pov and they've never met but the readers have met Persephone multiple times before!! It was weird to reintroduce her!!

- Worst editor ever, a few typos and apparently some copies have Nico saying his mother is Bianca? He also calls his mom Maria instead of mom or mamma? And we've only ever heard nico call maria mamma before this point so him calling her mom is less weird than him calling her Maria but still off

- Will… still doesn't have a personality entirely and what personality he was given does not match the personality he has in ToA OR in BoO??

- Once again, I don't like Oshiro's pacing and you can tell how hands off Rick was with the whole thing - I've never personally been a fan of Oshiro's work and one of my top reasons has always been their terrible pacing. I will read a phenomenal paragraph and then spend the rest of the chapter struggling to find anything that feels worth my time, and while i felt within chapter there was a fair bit of consistency between different chapters there was not- i would read one chapter that read well and felt amazing and then the next 3 chapters would feel like useless side plot that served no purpose. Oshiro also really struggles to maintain tempo in their work imo.

- Characters defining their sexuality in explicit terminology or labeling isn't inherently wrong but its also not in line with what we've seen so far and while this could be a sign of progress it could also be a step back so instead it's best to consider how this effects or determines characterization

- Nico's coming out party…. God… why?

- There's also this weird thing with so much of the sexuality/gender stuff that it feels more like a lecture than an authentic experience, for me personally based on the flow of these conversations and the events and things i feel like it was done to make this more palatable for a cishet audience rather than to maintain and authentic experience??

- Anyhow the thing where Nico kind of makes Will come out in front of camp is giving me love simon flashbacks and i just have to say making someone come out to a large group or in public just to be with you is so so gross… there was no reason for this to be a plot point whatsoever imo, it feels really ooc and it does that really upsetting thing lots of ya books do where it tries to depict that in order to be authentically and "properly" queer one must be public in their grsm orientation which i think is a pretty harmful/hurtful idea overall but especially in media designed for preteens and teens who are more likely to be living in environments where coming out is unsafe

- None of the jokes land

- Literally they have the worst nicknames for everything. I liked the cringe otherwise, it did have young teen relationship vibes… but that was unforgivable to me personally but i guess other people liked this? To each their own!

- On that note! I've talked a lot about Solangelo being two sides of the same coin in terms of how their relationship works and while symbolism would have been nice straight up seeing Nico given a coin by will was also cringe and too far? Nico gave Will his ring, this thing that we've built up over the series to view as a representation of his grief and loss and his family and love and home and a culmination of Nico and Will gets nico… this coin he just seemingly had made that has almost no symbolic meaning beyond that? Nico's ring is basically a character unto itself, not only does giving a physical object and having Nico outright state the symbolism of it ruin the "show don't tell" logic of authoring it also feels hollow as the reader has no connection to this object like Nico's ring. There was no reason for this other than to make an equivalent exchange which is kind of a sucky way to weigh a relationship… it could have been better for Will to give nico something from his past as well and to have the piece come up in a memory or something OR for will and nico to have exchanged these gifts at some point on or just before their journey so the reader got to experience this connection as well

- Will's pov was kind of trash actually

- Why doesn't Will ever talk about finding Nico attractive?

- We never have it explained what exactly makes Nico a "star" ..? Like its constantly alluded to or even stated he is a star but we never actually get to see why

- Will never really "goes dark" the sniffles are not dark, dark would be like straight up plaguing them or having some sort of ability to radiate heat and blast things or craft his own weapons out of light or just something beyond singing and having the heart blast effect thingy…

- Their relationship is stated they've been together a year and trauma can definitely change things but for whatever reason their relationship feels more new and raw and tender than it did in ToA??? Why??? They do not feel like two fifteen/sixteen year olds who have been in a relationship for a year, they feel like two thirteen year olds who've been in a relationship for three months?

- I also personally feel conflicted about them not having a major kiss scene? Like on one hand it's nice to see queer couples treated like any other couple and kisses to be fairly casual mundane interactions! But on the other hand being a queer couple especially an mlm couple in a children's/ya series and being able to show physical affection is really quite uncommon tbh and I would have liked to see maybe a little emphasis at least on the first kiss that the audience gets to experience on paper just to sort of acknowledge that groundbreaking act? But maybe that's just me?

- Additionally speaking all of their prior banter is just.. gone..? They literally don't joke around except for 2 or 3 lines in the book despite previously being a very banter heavy couple? There is no reason they can't be both soft and comedic or have banter yet be tender to one another? It's like all the joy that was previously in their relationship was traded for arguing and bickering and this weird pettiness that feels ooc in general but especially from them?

- What was the plot point of going to Sally's house to send the iris message? Why was Sally brought into this? She's cool and we love her but there was no plot reason to add her? Even the percabeth iris message only minimally added to the plot

- Why is Will so bothered by death? Like I'm cool with him feeling weak in the underworld. I can respect that from a tension building pov and also being in the dark does go against his nature but like death is not something against his nature? He is well acquainted with death? People die in medical settings all the time i guarantee he has lost many patients and brushed shoulders with thanatos more than most people at camp + he lost A TON of siblings in the war he would have to be familiar with grief AT THE VERY LEAST but yet he seems to lamblike to all these things the whole novel I feel it weakens his character, the story, the plot, previous books, and his relationship with Nico- if they wanted him to have some reserved hesitations about death they could have done it much more tactfully but they didn't?

- I also hate every time some sort of discussion about him being a healer comes up because yes he is a magical exception that makes him a "natural born healer" but they take that too far imo, yes he is a magical exception but the way this stuff is worded gives this like "Will is such a good healer he never fails or breaks down or fatigues from it" and i just feel like it becomes an unrealistic and unhealthy example after a certain point and I would have loved to see that exploration that so many fanfic authors have done wonderfully about how Will is overworked and needs to learn to take care of himself before his patients just to add that depth to his character but Oshiro and Riordan just skip past this and again it feels like a massively missed plot point to give Will a deeper character

- It's also weird everytime Nico is like "Will always takes care of me now I have to take care of him" because again it just feels like such an unhealthy way to view a relationship… like if a partner gets sick 3x a year and the other partner is sick 5x a year partner A shouldn't be like "well now you owe me two sickness helpings" or something you know? Thats so petty and immature and unhealthy for a relationship and it's something that can be unlearned but also like if they've been together a year and they're supposed to be like a perfect fit according to what i think the symbolism was trying to get at (so much of this book feels like a rough draft not a final cut istg) then why is this even included anyhow?

- Also Nico is ooc at points, he seeks to heal others a lot of the time as well- Hades even mentions this, how even when Nico is offered something for himself he uses the gift to help someone else- this is a quality Nico and Percy (and Jason) all really consistently display throughout pjoverse EXCEPT Nico doesn't do this early on in the text?? He is unfazed by the nature of some things in the underworld (Will is right the fields of asphodel are perhaps more horrific in some way than the variations of hell provided in the underworld) and Nico is just like "yeah that's just how it is here" which kind of goes against that character trait + (though i may be confusing fanfic and canon here) didn't Nico and Hazel have a whole convo about how upsetting or painful asphodel is?? It goes on kind of even more so in this regard though where his regard for humanity seems significantly less so than in previous texts, there's something else as well i can't exactly put my finger on yet that also feels ooc … I'll keep thinking lol

- Once again to the "why is Nico a star thing" we have Nico constantly talking about how live exists even in the underworld and it's obviously intended to be a metaphor for hope and finding light in the dark and therefore a whole solangelo metaphor too but Nico brings it up and Will doesnt understand and then they argue (?) And then the metaphor falls flat because we never get to see this explored; we just have it Stated out loud a few times? Like there are many good explanations as to why this keeps getting brought up especially because we can also tie in how Will and Nico are alive down there or how Nico is seperate from the rest of the underworld because despite being part god he is also part mortal

- Once again Tartarus isn't actually scary and there's only so much "it's for kids" I'm willing to accept there, give it more Coraline please!!

- Again an issue with the Nyx thing, Nico doesn't agree with Nyx about who he is because Nyx cannot understand life and Nico can because he is mortal- Nico's mortality is a hugely defining aspect of his character because it sets him apart from the gods and the dead that make up so much of his life- in order to truly appreciate death and the afterlife you have to actually live and know life and change and things and the gods in their consistency are more like ghosts than anything

- It's also very irritating that this was never explored !!! So much of what makes demigods special in the rest of the series is their godhood and their connection to godhood, they are powerful because they are beyond human. However in Nico's fight with Nyx and some other aspects of Nico's behavior but most notably Nyx vs Nico is the culmination of this situation is that Nico's greatest strength throughout tsats is that he is mortal. He is powerful because he is human. He does all the things he does the way he does them because he is human. He is something beyond the gods' understanding because he is mortal- and that's all just swept under the rug for…? Honestly i have no idea why it makes no sense how that is a constant theme in this book yet it feels like the book falls constantly short of actually grasping that concept.

- And if you're wondering what the plot symbolism of Will being involved in all this is? I dont fucking know he doesnt have one he was kind of just dead weight the entire story!!! He was basically there just to help Nico pick some fruit and have dialogue with. I feel like Will was potentially supposed to represent how the "average person" would feel on this adventure but personally I feel if that is the case that I may be one of the worst people to understand that perspective as I have a peculiar and poetic love for death and dying.

- Plus when they're wandering through Tartarus's digestive tract (if you're reading this and you haven't read the novel yet or you didn't yet finish it, yes this is a thing that actually happens) and Will starts struggling with his memory, I would have loved to see the effects of that situation on Nico explored more as I would assume amnesia and people forgetting about him/leaving him would be a very difficult thing for him to deal with yet instead we're just told they passed stories back and forth and that made everything all right + not sharing much of those stories with the audience was again a missed character building moment for Will and a missed relationship building moment between them!!

- Them cuddling in the hut together and Nico wanting to wake Will up to share his nightmare was kind of cute though I will admit to that much

- I also hate how they put all this time and work into saving Bob and then Bob just fucks off into the sunset like everything is normal?? He just fucking dips like nothing even happened??

- Also people have been saying Will kissing Nico when he found out Jason was dead was wrong, and look idk if I'm personally going to go that far but I do think as a first kiss it's definitely weird than cute?

- I think Will's background and childhood could have been expanded on a lot more to make him an interesting character- we learn some about his life with Naomi before camp (and its nice to see her as a complete person and I think she has cool mom vibes for real) but I feel like the only adventure we get to hear about is him and his mom being in New York for concerts… what about other places around the country? what about the life he had with her when she wasn't touring?

- Along this same vein I feel like Will's behavior in the story not only doesn't match his behavior from the previous appearances he's made, but that for someone who seems to have spent a lot of time on the road getting to experience lots of different places (even if it was just the US, that's still pretty significant) I once again truly cannot understand his weird behavior about dead people and the underworld- its not only inconsistent with previous behaviors and beliefs he's exhibited but if he's been show so much diversity from a very young age he's probably naturally curious and inquisitive as well as naturally adventurous and outgoing- yet instead he basically just sticks his nose up at everything underworld-ish?? It not only weakens the plot, his character, and his relationship it also makes no sense with previous set ups AND it has no true culmination by the end of the story because we never truly see him accept or enjoy the underworld and what it has to offer he merely endures it.. so again, what was the point of him acting like that?

- Unpopular one: coco puffs are very cute but i find them unnecessary and completely over the top even for pjo and i can see them becoming annoying later on but that's just me personally.

Okay, I'm going to call it quits here. There's probably more I'll think to say later on but I feel this is a good summary of my initial thoughts. Weirdly enough, despite the negativity here, I would still recommend people read this book? I feel conflicted about whether or not the book belongs among my favorites, and it would certainly be the worst book among my favorites and/or recommendations for novels if I do end up feeling it belongs there. I have to say even despite as much as this book fails, I admire what it was attempting and I think like so many works in pjo before it there was a level of unrealized potential here amongst the text that will always be mildly infuriating. I feel very strongly that this book is a whole new era in Riordan's pjo verse, despite some aspects being "cringe" or some things being literary flops and emotional failures in my opinion, i do think this novel may be one of the most "mature" pieces in Riordan's collection- even in his and Oshiro's failure to bring MOST of their narrative full circle or to tie up their loose ends I can see what they're going for and I think having a taste of that potential really did something for me. I have read lots of books that leave me staring at the ceiling for hours in wonder and awe with a feeling i cannot describe as anything other than a "readers hangover" a desire to hold onto that book and to keep it beside me for a long time just to remember reading it, and I would pick it up many times through the following week or two just to rediscover certain parts, i have to say this book has definitely not been that. However I did spend a long time looking at the ceiling pondering it, and I do think I will reread it in the next week or so- but I have less a desire to return to the events of the novel and more a desire to simply upturn more stones in the landscape and find what I am missing. I want to say I hate the book, that it has no redeeming qualities, that everyone should simply leave it behind because of how awful and excruciating I found this novel- that wouldn't be accurate. I think this is the greatest book I have ever had the misfortune to read, I have never cared so deeply for a book I cannot stand. I absolutely adore this awful thing. I feel comfortable saying that for me, personally, percy jackson will never be the same again and that this book has completely changed the field and depth of my experience. I am literally failing to put into words how this book makes me feel. I suppose this book is my most wretched child and I shall cherish it dearly.

[chaotic-on-main]

Hey lovely Sky 🩷

🎉 Congrats on 250 followers 🎉 It's really deserved & I bet you'll soon get many more!

For your Summer Event, may I request

☀️ Matcha green tea sugar cone

☀️ Fresh fruit topping 😏

☀️ Levi and reader are stuck at home on a very hot day, no air conditioning, shutters half closed, beads of sweat sliding down their skin... Fluff & slightly suggestive if it's ok for you.

Sending lots of love 🩷

Order up!! One matcha green tea sugar cone with fresh fruit for Val!!

Sky's Summer and 250 Follower Event!

☾ Pairing ➼ Levi Ackerman x afab!Reader

☾ Content/Warnings ➼ suggestive (MDNI just in case), fluff, modernAU, sweaty bodies lmao, implied sexual intimacy, friends to lovers, established relationship

☾ A/N ➼ Hi Val!! Thank you so much for sending in a request. I've been sitting on this one for a bit and I'm pleased to see where it went. Before anyone asks, yes I did give the house a history. I was imagining one of those really old Victorian homes. Yanno, the ones with really old white painted wood and a porch lol. Let me know what you think! Likes and reblogs are always appreciated. 💕

☾ Word Count ➼ ~2.6k

Levi had told you when you both first started dating that he lived in an old building. He currently leased a room with a few of his other friends, something that needed to be done as rent was high and it was the only place they could find at the time. Since then, they never had any reason to leave, and they were fortunate to have a sweet old lady as their landlord.

According to Levi, the house had been in the landlord’s family for many generations spanning back to the mid-1800s. Very little upgrades were made in those years as they wanted to preserve the physical body as much as possible. There were a handful of updated kitchen appliances, a few wall-mounted A/C systems, and of course newer plumbing. But outside of that, the house has looked the same for the past few centuries.

This meant that the door that you were currently fighting with had been there just as long as the house has. Levi had warned you hours ago that sometimes in the summer, the door could expand and get stuck. On this particularly hot day, Levi’s bedroom door might as well have been superglued to the frame.

“You know it can get stuck like this, yet you still close it?” You hiss at Levi as you continue to pull on the knob with no avail.

“I don’t want people peeking into my room as they walk past.” Your boyfriend of a few months’ grumbles behind you.

“Erwin and Hange are both at work. You make no sense.” You hear Levi’s tongue click in annoyance.

“Just give it a few minutes.”

With a huff, you turn around and face Levi. He’s sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at you with his eyebrows knit. You take a few steps towards his bed and fall face first into the soft comforter. His laundry detergent wafts up into your nose as you do, and you find yourself nuzzling into the sheets more.

“Well, at least the air conditioning is working.” Your words come muffled through the blankets. Just as you finish your sentence, there’s a soft pop and then deafening silence. The heat that comes after is instant.

“You just had to say something, didn’t you.” Levi groans as he gets up from the bed, the mattress underneath him whining at the sudden lack of weight. Your face is still down in the mattress, so all you hear is him messing with the air conditioning unit above his dresser. From the sounds of it, it’s still blowing but softly and only warm air is coming out. Something clunks on the top of his dresser then he starts tugging at the old wooden door.

“Shit.” He mutters under his breath after a few minutes of struggling. “I think it’s actually stuck this time. Where’s your phone?”

You roll over and sit up to face him, feet crossed under you. You can already feel the sweat starting to build up on your face and neck.

“I left it out on the coffee table. Where’s yours?”

“Kitchen counter. Fuck.” He rakes his fingers through his hair and the way it’s sticking back, you can see he’s starting to get sweaty as well. He crosses his arms over his chest and stares at you.

“Maybe we climb out the window and go through the house to the other side of the door?”

“We’re on the second floor and the front door is locked. My keys are out in the living room.”

“What about kicking down the door?”

“And risk the wrath of Mildred? No. We’re stuck here until one of the other idiots comes home.”

You pinch the bridge of your nose in between fingers as you try to think of more options, but nothing comes to you as the heat of the room is becoming increasingly uncomfortable. Your clothes are sticking to your skin, and you feel your scalp becoming damper by the second.

“That could be hours, Levi.”

“I’m well aware.” He sighs heavily and steps over to his window before sliding it open then pulling the shade down to block out some of the afternoon sun. The room is still hot but at least there’s circulation now.

Eventually you and Levi both find each other lying on your backs on his bedroom floor. Fortunately, he kept it clean so you had no worry about what you might pick up while down there. You think an hour had also passed, either you or Levi getting up periodically to check on the door – which didn’t budge in the slightest.

The beads of sweat that moistened your skin and pooled into your clothes became irritating by the second and you couldn’t stand it anymore. After pulling yourself up, you tug your shirt up and over your shoulders as much as you could despite the wet fabric clinging to your skin. Then, you push your shorts down until they’re around your ankles and don’t hesitate to use your feet to kick them back up to you to save you from leaning down.

Levi’s head rolls over in your direction at the sudden rustling and you spot his eyes widen at the sight of you now only in your bra and underwear. You feel his gaze linger before looking up at the ceiling.

This is the first time Levi has ever seen you this stripped and you think you might regret this later. But in the heat of the moment, all you can focus on is making yourself comfortable.

“The fuck are you doing?” His face is flushed and you’re certain it’s not just from the heat.

“It’s hot as shit and I can’t stand the feeling of wet clothes. Don’t read too much into it.” You say down to him, resting your fists on your hips. “Unless you want heat stroke, I’d recommend doing the same.”

“No.”

“Suit yourself.” You shrug before sitting back down on the hard floor. The cool wood on your back elicits a content sigh from your lips.

A few minutes pass before you hear an irritated click of a tongue then the rustling of Levi standing up. Just as you had, he’s pulling his t-shirt off and tugging down his jeans, grabbing them and folding them neatly before placing them on his dresser.

You had suggested it but now you wish you hadn’t. Levi’s side profile is enough to make you swoon, his hair dripping with sweat and sticking to his forehead. The realization that you were both now half naked in front of each other hits. Not like you were intending any funny business but your eyes don’t leave his porcelain skin as they trail down his body and the feeling it leaves behind makes your heart flutter.

Lean muscles pop up throughout his small frame. His back and arms are more prominent, though it’s obvious he never skipped a core or leg day either. A happy trail matching the raven hair on his head leads down under his semi-tight polyester boxers and you force your eyes away from staring any further – not without a small glance though.

He lies back on the floor next to you, avoiding your gaze.

“Happy?” Levi grumbles finally. He pulls an arm up and over his eyes.

“I feel better, yeah. Do you?”

“…I guess.” You can’t help but smirk at that.

You imagine it had been another hour since that. The time was filled with talks of anything you could think of - mainly about what you would order for dinner tonight. You forced yourself to stop as your stomach started growling painfully.

The sun shot straight through the window and Levi had gotten back up at some point to lower the curtain more to block it out. That also meant blocking out any air flow so the room began to feel stuffy. You’re debating on taking off more clothes before Levi pipes up again, his voice crackly from the lack of moisture.

“I shouldn’t have invited you over.”

Lolling your head to face him, you eye his sweaty face in surprise. His dark eyes side-eye you as you consider his words. There’s a trace of guilt in his expression from what you can see.

“And miss all of this fun?” You joke back, a smile tugging at your lips. There’s a pool of sweat building under your skin and onto the hard floor now.

“You could be anywhere else right now.”

“True. But I wanted to spend my day off with you. If this is how I go, then so be it.” You reach over to gently push the hair strands sticking to his face out of the way. They stick straight up and you can’t help but chuckle at it. “Besides, if I knew this would be a way to get your shirt off, I’d have glued the door to the frame way earlier.”

“You’re such a dumbass, you know that?” You hear a lilt of amusement tickle his voice. “If you wanted my shirt off, you could have asked.”

“Would you have if I did?”

“I guess we’ll never know.”

The perks of being good friends with Levi for so long before officially dating included seeing Levi in a different light and you knew he would rather die than show anyone else. Levi Ackerman was the funniest person next to your friend Hange, but no one would ever believe you if you told them.

And If you looked past his dry tone and brusque demeanor, you’d see the softest soul anyone’s ever seen.

“Hey Levi?” You push yourself off the ground, which proves to be a little difficult as the floor is slippery from your sweat, and onto your butt. He hums back in response, opting to stay flat on the ground. Your eyes scan the sweat gleaming off his soft, pale skin. You really want to reach over and touch his chest but you hold back, folding your hands on your legs that sit straight out as you lean against the end of the bed.

“What made you finally ask me out after so many years?”

“You’re asking this now?”

“If I’m going to die here, I’d like to know before passing on, yeah.”

“Tch.” Levi sits up effortlessly and turns to face you, sitting with his legs crossed underneath him, then leans back against his dresser. “Hange.” He rakes his fingers through his wet hair that fell in his face and pushes it back out of his face. With the amount of sweat building up, it stays slicked back which makes your heart jump at the sight.

“Hange?” You furrow your brows at that. It was the last thing you thought he would say.

“They told me to stop being an idiot and make a move before someone else did.”

“Did they now? Couldn’t stand seeing me on someone else’s arm?” You pinch your lips together to hold back a smile as you watch him. Beads of sweat roll down his face and neck.

“No.” His eyes stare into yours with straight sincerity. “It annoyed me just thinking about it.”

“And how long were you crushing on me?” This time, you don’t stop the cocky smile carving into your face and no doubt into your eyes as well.

“Speaking of annoying.” He rolls his eyes at you, but there’s a small smirk on the corners of his mouth. You notice the way his eyes trail down your body, lingering on certain places that makes your face heat up more than it already was.

“Hm, but that’s why you like me.”

“Is that why?” Levi leans forward so that he’s on his hands and starts crawling over to you. In mere seconds, his face is right in front of you as his body hovers over your legs – hints of lemon and sweat seeping into your bubble. The proximity of his warm body makes the air around you hotter. You swallow hard, eyes bouncing back and forth between his dark gray.

Before you can answer, he pushes forward and his soft lips meet yours gently. This isn’t the first kiss, but it might as well have been. Every kiss with Levi always leaves your heart with palpitations and your head dizzy, this one was no exception.

He raises a hand so that he’s only leaning on one, and wraps it around your neck to pull you deeper into him. You taste the saltiness of sweat as well as him and you’re quick to melt into his touch.

The heat of the room is unbearable, but it’s nothing compared to the heat blooming throughout your whole body as Levi's lips make their way down your jaw and to your neck. You feel his razor sharp teeth nip at your soft skin before his lips make their way back up to your mouth - his movements hungrier with every passing second.

“Where the heck are you guys?! It’s 4:27!” You hear from the other side of Levi’s door before it’s being flung open from the other side a second later. You squeak in surprise as the door vibrates on his hinges from slamming against the wall. Levi is still inches from you but now both of your heads are turned towards the tall person standing in the door frame. The cool air from the hallway blasts through and if you weren’t in such an awkward predicament, you would have jumped for joy.

“I’ve been in the parking lot for the last 30 minutes waiting…” They trail off as they take in the situation. Half-naked, flushed and sweaty, and Levi practically on top of you. Your eyes widen up at them.

“Well, well, well. I can see why you left me hanging.” They muse as they cross their arms over their chest and raise an eyebrow at you.

“I- it’s not- his door wouldn’t open so-” You stutter out, hands waving in front of your chest in protest.

“Go away, four-eyes.” Levi grumbles as he sits back on his knees and turns away from the door, leaving his back to Hange. You note his hands sitting on his lap in a graceful manner.

“I’ll give you some time to uh, get ready. Erwin and the rest of the gang are already at the restaurant waiting for our asses.” Hange winks at you before turning on their heels and walks down the hallway. Their footsteps clunk down the old staircase, growing fainter with every step.

It’s silent besides the rushing of air from the other a/c units throughout the house. The cool air tingles on your skin, turning the beads of sweat cold. You can’t help it, you laugh out loud – obnoxiously so.

“Figures Hange would find us.” Levi mutters. He’s still facing away from the door but you can see his side profile as he side-eyes you once again.

“They saved us though.” You say after catching your breath. Using the back of your hand, you wipe the sweat off your forehead. You were going to need to clean up before meeting up with everyone for dinner. An idea strikes as you pull yourself up off the floor.

“You know, we need to shower before leaving.” You say down to Levi.

“That would be wise, yes.”

“It would save time and water if we shower together.” You say quietly as you tug on an invisible string hanging off your bra.

Levi is off the floor and pulling you into the bathroom across the hall before you can say anything else.

[louisisalarrie]

Lmao about to jump on your bbg discussion here. My issue with the scenario of ending with a paternity test has always been that GP will always still believe that he at the very least, slept with a woman. I was under the impression during 1D years, particularly the later years with RBB, that H and L wanted to eventually come out as a couple, thus the hinting about Larry. Obviously things can change over the years and perhaps they don't want that anymore, but if they do, then the only way to actually do that and have it make sense is to literally tell the truth as the ending. Like a legit tell all about being forced into the closet, the beards, the fake pregnancy, everything. Because he can't logically say "I thought this hookup gave me a kid for the past 8 years" and "H and I have been together since 2010" and not have people be ??? But do you think coming out with the legit truth is ever possibility at all? Or no matter what, will people always think some aspects of the stunts were true? As I said though, maybe H and L don't really care at this point, they know larries know the truth? Just something I've thought about a lot!

Helloooo anon! Lovely to hear your thoughts and thanks for joining in the discussion! I’ll try and break this down a bit into main points so I don’t ramble about everything all at once and it ends up illegible hehe.

Alrighty, so I think that the GP always thinking louis had slept with a woman because of bbg ending in a paternity result is what it is. As long as it stops the stunt, that’s what matters to him and to us. This is a Step 1 of the coming out process, and once those headlines die down about it, then it’s deciding how H and L come out. In my opinion, there are a few ways this could go after bbg ends:

a) harry comes out first, Louis comes out months later (long enough for it to not be immediately connected by gp), then they start being seen together and a “new” relationship between them is seeded and say they’ve never been together until now

b) louis and harry come out together in a relationship, say they’ve never been together until now

c) louis and harry come out together in a relationship, say they’ve been together since 1d, and expose all the stunts by breaking their NDAs

Now… all 3 of these options work with the narrative of a paternity test. In all options, they are still able to define their sexuality as whatever they want it to be when they come out, but will obviously lean towards both of them at least having previous interest in women. Louis could be like “yeah I always thought I was straight but I did some soul searching and realised I’m gay” and harry could stick with the assumption held by the GP already that he is bi, or say something similar to the above.

I assume option A is how things are gonna go, because B links too closely to C and doesn’t line up with the current narrative of them being weirdos on opposite sides of the planet to each other at all times lol. Ideally, option C would be extremely satisfying and would give both of them incredible PR, and bring S*mon and co to their knees, but that truly depends on what H and L think they wanna do, and how big of a war they wanna keep fighting.

Hear me out here now… I’ve talked about multiple ways to end bbg in the past, but what if Louis was just like.. a sperm donor? Very early on in bbg there was a theory that B was a surrogate for H and L, but that definitely doesn’t add up. This theory, however, would require louis to come out at the same time as bbg ending, all in one go, and it also keeps F as his son which isn’t ideal, but separates him more from it in terms of sexuality. But hear me out… what if there was a headline that looked like this?

“Louis Tomlinson announces he donated his sperm in generous act for good friend B whose long term partner struggled with fertility issues”

While this headline looks a bit funny to us, I think the GP won’t question it thaaaaat much. His direct non larrie fans would, because they have seen AOTV, they’ve seen louis call F his son multiple times, but… in this narrative, he IS his son, he’s just not having sex with women because he’s gay lol, and he’s just a sweet guy, ya know? And things could be broken down a little like:

“Tomlinson, 32, says that he loves F and was happy to help B out as he’d always wanted to be a father himself, but has announced to the world just this morning, that he is in fact gay.”

It’s frustrating because in a way, it ends bbg, but it also keeps F connected to Louis to a degree. Ugh. Idk. But that is how you would ensure that the GP don’t have proof that louis has had vaginal sex anymore.

To your point about harry and louis doing a tell all, it would rock the music industry like crazy. Imagine it!!! There would be a million other celebs wanting to come out and share their stories of how badly they’re treated too, and people would be on Larry’s side. It would be powerful. It would help stop what happened to them, happen to other young gay kids. And it would ruin S*mons life, which I love. But… I think a tell all will happen, but not for a long time. I would love it to happen now, trust me I would, but I feel they’re still in too much of a sticky situation with bbg and Harry’s stunts.

I think larry see what we say, they love that we know, and they care a lot about us. But truly I think they’d love to show the world their true colours. Harry’s dancing with pride flags and is MUCH more free now in expressing himself, and I think he would actually wait for louis to be in a position where they can come out together, to take the heat off just one of them doing it. I think they’d love to walk down the street and hold hands and be cute, because they were told for so many years they couldn’t. And being told you can’t, makes you really want to. So I think they’ll do it together, and I think they want to. In saying this though, I do agree with the theory that they decided to put coming out on the back burner for a little bit while they enjoyed their tours and let the dust settle a bit after so much happening, and are just enjoying their private love life while they’re older and have a bit more freedom. But they’ll come back with a vengeance, and they’ll come out together. I’m sure of it xx

(Also sorry I totally rambled)

[gloomzi]

Okay one of idk how many(I've been asleep all day but now let me send these requests in!)

A more soft/fluff one can be where a afab reader comes out as bigender to emma one day. So it's three months into their dating relationship and the reader takes Emma to a bookstore which the two often did. The bookstore is a small family owned one and they'll go since there's a space in the back set up to just sit down and read like little bean bags and all that, so the two go with each other to just have a little escape. When reading emma notices the reader had drifted off because they had been staring at a page for 3 minutes, which makes emma check up on them. The reader ends up saying something like, "you deserve to know this, but it's one of the scariest things I have to do because I can't lose you" because the reader fear of losing emma is big enough to blind them from the fact emma wouldn't care. So when the reader tells emma, emma just smiles telling them "hey, I don't care for how you look or what you say you are. I like you for you. It's the you in the inside with the big heart, not to you I see on the outside"

(This may be based off me recently finding out I'm bigender and my love for emma🧍‍♂️)

im so sorry this has taken so long 2024 has thrown me for a LOOP...regardless, here's tha fic :3

WORD COUNT 1859

WARNINGS light angst, hurt/comfort, some fluff

When you and Emma had finally started dating just a few months prior, you had never expected an issue to arise so quickly.

Well, issue might be a bit of a stretch, since it was mostly an internal debate on whether or not to tell her, but if and when you did tell her, it could become a real issue and that was what had you stuck.

For awhile now you had been struggling with your gender identity, going back and forth with yourself about what felt right, what labels made most sense for you, playing around with gender expression and so forth. It had taken years and years of unlearning gender stereotypes just to feel comfortable with your own self expression, but now that you had finally found something that felt right, you didn’t know how to come out.

Maybe if you weren’t in a relationship it would be a bit easier—the risk of losing friends over your gender felt a lot smaller when you already knew multiple of them were queer. Hell, even Jordan was genderfluid, but something about coming out to your girlfriend, Emma, just felt so…daunting.

Because what if she didn’t understand it? Or if she stopped being attracted to you because of your gender?

Deep down you knew that was unlikely, she had always been open about her fluid sexuality, but you still felt unsure. Maybe things had changed or maybe she wasn’t as open to other genders as it seemed based on her past partners…they had all been cis after all.

Shaking off your worries, you threw your messenger bag over your shoulder before jerking open the door to your dorm. You had made plans with Emma to go out to your local bookstore, a common date for the two of you, and you weren’t going to bail over what ifs.

In fact, you were starting to think it might be the perfect opportunity to come out…

The bookstore had plenty of corners where you could just sit and read or chat quietly, the atmosphere feeling warm and cozy, almost soothing in a way. It always calmed your nerves to go there after classes ended and kick back with a book, so maybe it would work for this situation too.

Checking your phone, you saw that it was time to start walking over so you let out a heavy sigh and set to it. You and Emma planned to meet around four and if you waited any longer, she’d end up wandering around without you and worrying herself half to death. 

x

Jogging up to the door of the bookstore, you could see Emma just inside past the glass windows, a crisp new book in her hand as she read over the summary. Pushing open the door, the bell above it chimed causing your girlfriend to whip her head up, face splitting into a grin when she saw you had finally arrived.

“(Y/N)!” Emma whisper yelled in excitement, rushing over to greet you with a hug, pressing a kiss to your forehead, “how was your day babe?”

You smiled lightly, grabbing both her hands in yours and swinging them lightly, “It was okay, Em. You?” 

“‘Bout the same…just a lot of professors droning on about PR and optics, you know how it is.” She sighed, squeezing your hands before dropping one, using the other to drag you back to a corner of the store, “I brought some homework to work on, but if you want to go find a book before we sit down, go right ahead!”

You nodded, letting go of her hand as she sat down and started pulling items out of her bag, “yeah, let me go find…something. Maybe I’ll be adventurous and try a different genre for once-”

Emma giggled, shaking her head, “Yeah, fat chance.”

You giggled as well, nodding, “yeah, you’re probably right—I’ll be back in a second though, you get started.”

You smiled lightly, stalking off to go take a look at different books in your favorite section of the shop, thumbing over the spines before picking out a few to test read. Though usually you’d take more time to consider which books you grabbed, you were still too caught up in your own head over coming out to Emma.

It almost felt as if it had to be now, as if waiting any longer would be a betrayal of some sorts, like you owed it to her. A part of you, somewhere way in the back of your brain, knew she wouldn’t be mad—she’d never even raised her voice at you—but you were just…inexplicably nervous.

Sighing lightly, you tucked the books under your arm before slowly walking back to the corner where Emma sat, already engrossed in her homework. Placing down the books beside your girlfriend, you slowly sank into the beanbag next to her, watching as she finished typing up a sentence before turning her attention back to you.

“What’d you pick out?” She spoke softly, voice barely above a whisper so as not to disturb the other students in the area who seemed to have the same idea as them. They weren’t too close, but Emma didn’t want to accidentally distract them.

“Some of the usual, you know me.” You chuckled awkwardly, waving the books so she could see that they were the same sort of thing you tended to pick up, at least based on the covers. Emma nodded, cocking her head to the side at your tense laugh, before deciding to brush it off for now.

“Well, why don’t you get to reading? You seem like you need some time to destress…and I’ll just get back to…this.” She groaned, gesturing at her laptop.

You nodded, before leaning back into the plush of the beanbag. Pulling open the first book, you started reading—or at least you attempted to, though your brain couldn’t seem to get past the first sentence, leaving you to reread and reread as you tried to push aside your worries.

It didn’t take long for Emma to notice between your distant gaze, the way you had started chewing on your lip and your previous nervousness. At first she had chalked it up to anxiety about school, or really anything else—you could be prone to overthinking—but usually a good book and some time with her had you right as rain within minutes.

Now she watched as you could barely even read, your eyes trailing over the top of the page, pausing for an unusually long stretch of time, only to retrace the same sentence. She was getting anxious herself, to say the least.

“Hey, babe, you okay? You’ve been reading over the same sentence for like…20 minutes.”

You sighed lightly, closing the book and pushing it aside to wring your hands, “It hasn’t been 20 minutes yet, Em, stop being dramatic…”

Emma pursed her lips, sliding her laptop off her legs to grab your hands and hold them between hers, “not the point, (Y/N). Seriously, what’s up? You’re worrying me.”

“Nothing, it’s just…it’s no big deal, really.” You muttered, shaking your head, staring down at your clasped hands. Could you really risk telling her and losing this? Losing the closeness, the touch, the comfort she provided? The love she seemed to have in abundance?

“Well that’s just not true!” She whisper yelled, smiling at you softly, tucking some hair behind your ear, “If you’re so worried about it that even a book and some me time won’t relax you then it must really be serious, so let me have it. Give me the dirty deets, or whatever.”

You gave a humorless laugh, sucking your bottom lip back between your teeth as you considered just ripping off the bandaid. Tossing the thought around was starting to give you a headache at this point, weighing the pros and cons of just living with it and letting it eat you alive already becoming exhausting. On one hand, she could leave you, on the other hand, if you said nothing it would just continue to bother you more and more until you almost resented her for not knowing despite your silence. 

Fuck it, let’s just get this over with. You thought, heaving a sigh before looking up to meet her eyes.

“I don’t know if this is going to change anything and if it does then I’m sorry, but I think if I don’t say anything it’ll just make everything worse and I love you too much to let things fall apart just because I was too scared to say anything now.”

Emma nodded, her brows creased together as she leaned closer to you, allowing you to lower your voice even further so nobody else would overhear your conversation.

“Plus I think you deserve to know…I don’t want to keep lying to you because you mean everything to me, I just don’t want to lose you—I don’t know what I’d do without you, Em, I really don’t so please just hear me out, okay?” Your voice wavered, eyes burning as you blinked away tears.

Emma nodded again, cupping your cheek and giving your face a soft squeeze, her thumb tracing over the skin under your eye like it had done a million times before. Despite your words, how you were making it sound like you were about to reveal the worst secret ever, she was trying to comfort you through it. 

God how did I ever end up with someone as loving as you?

“So basically, over the past few months I had the…realization that I’m not- I’m not cisgender. And it’s really been a long time coming, but I didn’t have the right words for it, something just always felt off, but after really biting the bullet and doing my own research, I’ve found that I’m bigender and uh…I use they/them pronouns. I know you’re not like, transphobic or anything, but I’m not sure how you feel about having a partner that isn’t-”

“Sorry, honey, I don’t mean to cut you off, but c’mon-” Emma interrupted, rolling her eyes, as her hand dropped from your face. Just as your heart started to sink to your stomach she pulled you into a hug, your arms crushed against her chest at the suddenness of it all.

“I don’t care what your gender is, you should know that already…gender has nothing to do with my attraction to you, I love you because of your stupid fucking personality and your stupid fucking big heart, you know that right? You have to know that!” She chuckled, pressing her forehead against your neck, feeling your pulse hammer between her eyebrows.

You hummed noncommittally, pulling your arms out from between you two to wrap around her instead, nuzzling into her neck as well, “I suppose I do now…” You murmured. 

You could feel relief wash over you like a cool wave, your heart finally calming down as you found peace in her arms again. It was like nothing had even happened, the conversation in the back of your head now that you had her acceptance. That’s really all you needed for all your worries to fade into nothingness.

[joan-deactivated20230204]

The "Favorite Comics I Read in 2023" Roundup

I didn't read as many comics this year as I have in the last couple- partly because I've been a lot busier with university and living in a new country, partly because I've been trying to read more books, and partly because I spent a good few months on a certain behemoth of a comic that'll be taking the #1 spot on this list. At the end of the day, though, I'm an opinionated woman who can't resist doing a retrospective on her favorite reads of the year. There's a few honorable mentions that deserve to be given note, though: Dogsred and The Jojolands are two of my favorite ongoing series right now, and the only reason they aren't making it onto this list is that they're too new for me to have a really solid opinion on beyond "I get excited when the new chapter comes out". I also, somewhat guiltily, want to give a shoutout to Sins of Sinister, which isn't what I'd generally consider a "good" comic, but which went a long way to revitalizing my interest in the X-Men after a decade of not reading X-books, pretty much entirely off the back of the new faggy characterization of Sinister.

Without further ado,

10. Chainsaw Man (Part 2)

Despite starting the year as probably my favorite ongoing comic, this comes in at #10, with my feelings on it going pretty hot and cold over the course of the year. It struggles with the same erratic pacing that all of Fujimoto's projects seem to encounter, but the highs are very very high- there's a very interesting story being built here in which the idea of normalcy and in particular its relationship to heterosexuality and domesticity are called into question. It still remains to be seen if it'll stick the landing, though, and admittedly I'm not thrilled about the last bunch of chapters. But it's been a fun ride this year.

9. The Joker: The Man Who Stopped Laughing

This was the year in which I tried to really get back to familiarizing myself with what the superhero genre has been doing in the last decade, and this was, surprisingly, a standout. It presents the most interesting take on the character that I've read in a long time, turning the "one bad day" narrative on its head by emphasizing the Joker as a character defined by the negation of an originating narrative. The real highlights here, though, are the side stories that accompany each issue, giving great thematic juxtaposition but mostly just being darkly funny shorts in their own right. It does end up hitting a lot of the shortcomings of most superhero comics in 2023, though- there's a subplot with the Red Hood that doesn't contribute as much as it should, an annoying interjection by a crossover event I didn't read.. but looking past that, this was a good one the whole way through.

8. Jojolion

I almost didn't include this because I forgot that I read this all the way back in February! I do feel pretty strongly that this is Araki's most developed work (although Jojolands is shaping up to be a strong challenger)- it breaks away so dramatically from the storytelling conventions that have defined his career, keeping a lot of the superficial elements of a shonen but using them to tell a much more intimate and everyday kind of story. All of this comes through wonderfully in the art, where Araki's trend towards more and more unrealistically beautiful people meets a passion for grotesque violence and painstakingly detailed backgrounds, imbuing the whole work with a wonderful surreal feeling. The comic is governed by a tension between the highly graphic shonen elements and the comparative mundanity of the story around family and personal identity, and it threads that needle in a way that is so perfectly unique to Araki's style.

7. The Pervert

Honestly it's a surprise that it took me this long to read this, given how its become cemented as part of the "depressive trans girl indie" canon. Narratively its a gut-wrenching look at the interplay between isolation and sexuality in trans womens' lives, but what really elevated this for me was the use of very muted watercolors and consistent 2x6 panel grids to imbue the work with intense feelings of loneliness, punctuated by rare moments when the format gives way to these beautiful full-bleed pages. Fantastic stuff.

6. One! Hundred! Demons!

Honestly, I'm a little bit at a loss of what to say about this one: there's just so much going on. Lynda Barry's memoirs do an unbelievably effective job at building the texture of a childhood and adolescence, drawing us into a life that is sometimes very funny and sometimes deeply sad. Barry's unique cartoonish style is used to great effect; juxtaposing the limited worldview with which a child has to process their own experiences against text carrying the reinterpretations of an adult Barry. The whole thing has a very intimate tone, and while that feeling is underscored by Barry asking the reader to consider the precarious relationship between truth and fiction within a memoir; I feel that the admission of her own unreliability only enhances the personal qualities. Absent of the expectation that we are reading a chronicle of events as they happened, the work becomes much more interesting as a way of processing events as they are remembered.

5. Shimeji Simulation

It's a little awkward putting this here because I haven't finished it.. or read it since the summer... but it's such a masterful work. It takes the trappings of the slice of life 4koma in such interesting directions, where the mundanity of the genre and the negation of drama become diegetic forces governing the world. But its not really a story about that- the character of the older sister shows up from time to time to prod at the limits of the genre, but its secondary to the very touching Girls' Love story at the heart of the work. I'd love to say more about the intersection of these threads and how the work deals with the idea of normalcy as it relates to adolescence.. but its hard to give good takes when I haven't finished it! But! I've adored everything I've read so far.

4. Choujin X

If you wanted to point a finger at why Chainsaw Man is so low on this list, its because I read another ongoing madcap thriller with a ridiculous amount of gore: Sui Ishida's Choujin X. The story, about an organization of super-powered beings tasked with stopping other super-powered beings while trying to avoid being turned into monsters by their own powers, is nothing spectacularly new for the genre; what stands out is instead Ishida's artwork. The combination of sketchy stylized penwork and black and white photography give the series a gorgeous, unique look. And this isn't to say that the story is bad, either: there's a ton of personality to the characters and setting that make it a very very fun and interesting read above anything else.

3. X-Force (and its spinoff, X-Statix)

I'm not sure what surprises me more: that this seems to have been lost to the abyss of history, or that I loved this as much as I did. Milligan & Allred's run on X-Force and X-Statix is far from the only take on "what if superheroes were selfish assholes", but something about this really hooked me in a way that nothing like it really has. Maybe its the specific choice to apply early 2000s celebrity culture to the X-Men, maybe its the fact that the asshole superheroes in question still manage to be rich and compelling characters, maybe its the comedy of jumping from Rob Liefeld's "Cable shoots a bunch of guys and grimaces" to Milligan & Allred's neurotic wanna-be celebs with powers, or maybe i just have a really big crush on Dead Girl. One way or another, this has ended up being the standout hit for my sojourn back into superheroes (and its probably telling that my favorite superhero comic is the one that tries very hard to not be a superhero comic).

2. Maka Maka

There's an impulse to dismiss this offhand as just being lesbian porn, which it is; but aside from being really hot this manages to be one of the most interesting and endearing explorations of sexuality and intimacy I've read. There's no tension between the porniness and the maturity of the narrative here- its a work focused on the complexities of sex and desire that is just as intent on exploring those themes as it is on giving you something hot to read. Pretty undeniably one of the best girls' love works I've had the pleasure of reading.

1. Homestuck

I finally sat down and reread Homestuck this year, having originally read it from late 2014 until its conclusion in 2016, and flirted with rereading it now and then but never really committed, partly because of whatever drama surrounded it in any given year and more emphatically because its really long. But now I feel that I can say very strongly that Homestuck is a masterpiece. Given the scale of the work, there's so much that could be said about it: how it uses the format of a webcomic to its full potential by incorporating minigames, animations, changes to the site, & so on to convey narrative; how it plays with genre in a really interesting way by making genre conventions diegetic (not just with captchalogues &co but with things like Causality acting as a clear narrative thread for the cast to relate to); how effectively it captures being a teenager online at a certain point in time; or just how funny so much of it is. I'm extremely glad I read it this year, partly to be able to have an opinion about Homestuck that isn't informed by my teenage impressions and Tumblr discourse, but more than that because it was an extremely fun journey. At some point I'd like to write something longer about Homestuck and its place in comics because I do think that it is overdue for a reappraisal that is not overshadowed by the fandom.. but until then all I can say is that I loved this more than anything else I've read in a while.

And that's what I liked this year :3 As far as next year goes, I'm very excited to see where Dogsred and The Jojolands go, and I have hope that MamaYuyu could be really great if the writing gets a bit less rote. I've also liked the directions Frieren and Gokurakugai are heading, as well as the new Penguin series thats currently going. Hopefully, 2024 will also be the year that I sit myself down and finally read Berserk, which has been an embarrassing blank spot for me for the past few years. Unfortunately because I'm not on Twitter anymore, I'm less on the pulse of the cool Indies coming down the line, but I'm sure I'll get recommendations for the really good stuff from someone somewhere. And! Maybe if we're really good, Togashi will leave some new Hunter x Hunter chapters under the tree.

[cherishedproperty]

When Fantasy and Reality Collide

Lately I've been having a hard time reconciling how something can feel so good in fantasy but make me feel so unhappy in reality.

The other night, Monsieur and I were having sex. We were on our sides with my legs over his hip, looking into each other's eyes while he slowly fucked me. He was stroking my cheek and telling me how he owned me. Then the conversation took a familiar turn. He started saying how, after the first of the year, he was thinking of making me anal-only again. Not in the sense of never having vaginal sex, but that I would not orgasm without something in my ass.

Then he said, "I know we have a contract, and it has rules about this. So I'm going to have you decide how long we do this. You don't have to answer now, but think about it."

I nodded. My mind was already spinning in a million directions. How long can I do it? How short can I make it without disappointing him? Don't I want this? If I want this, why do I feel so sad right now?

He asked, "How does that make you feel?"

I didn't know what to say. His cock was still moving inside me. I didn't want to ruin the mood. But I can't lie to him—not even during sex. And the combination of my brain spiral and a few margaritas made it hard to control the feelings welling up inside me. Finally, I said the only words I could manage.

"It makes me feel like a failure." And then I burst into tears.

Here's the thing. I like anal sex. I can have amazing orgasms from anal. I masturbate to anal porn often. But I have to be in the right frame of mind for it. If I've been busy or stressed or haven't had the space in my brain for sexual arousal, anal sex can make me feel worse. It can make me feel used. It can make me want to curl inside myself and not be touched anymore.

Still, I look at anal porn and I think about my Monsieur's desires, and I think, I should be able to give this to him. Maybe if I just plugged myself more so the sensation was part of my everyday life. Maybe if I just committed to being anal only, my body and brain would accept it. It seems so easy when I fantasize about it. But I've tried those things before. I've had plug rules in the past (and hated them). Monsieur and I were even anal-only for the first couple months of our relationship. I know that, ultimately, this emphasis on anal doesn't feel connecting for me. It doesn't make me feel loved and cared for. No matter how much I want to give it.

The thing about fantasy is that I have complete control over it. I can imagine the way I feel when the conditions are perfect for anal. I'm not uncomfortable with the angle or wanting more lube or wishing I'd prepped for it or worrying about the cramping or leakage that could happen on my run later. Maybe if the reality of anal aligned better with the perfect conditions I imagine during fantasy, maybe I'd be more of the anal slut I want to be for him.

So the other night, with tears and snot dripping down my face, with him still inside me, I told him all of that. I told him how stupid it felt that I couldn't give him this thing that I knew he wanted—that, in my fantasies, I want, too. I told him I felt like a bad submissive. He held me and listened. Then he told me he loves my dedication and how much I am willing to give to please him. He told me my feelings are valid and important and thanked me for sharing them. He said his greatest priority is for me to feel pleasure and connection in our sex life—that I deserve those things. And anything that makes me feel like a failure is not the right path for us.

I still hate the disconnect between fantasy and reality. I still feel like maybe I could be the perfect anal-only submissive if I just ____; and all I need to do is figure out what goes in the blank. It's hard to struggle in giving something that part of you really wants. But I am glad to have a partner who wants a healthy, sustainable D/s relationship that works in reality, not the perfect D/s fantasy that doesn't last.

[kindyu]

can i be a vulnerable whiny doomer trans gay man for a second? (long post)

i got rejected, again.

i'm 23. a little over half a year on T. i've only had one boyfriend and that lasted three months. (the reasons for our break up were numerous, but the main one was we basically weren't even attracted each other, we were better off as friends.) the only other people i know about that liked me in a romantic (or sexual way) were 1) my female friend who told me after i complained one day that no one wants me to make me feel better about myself and 2) my classmate in 1st grade whom i hated.

i've had plenty of crushes and even loves throughout the years. when i was a teen, i struggled with a lot of shame around romantic feelings and it was almost impossible for me to talk to people whom i've liked, let alone ask them out. when it got a little better, i would hang out with my crushes and try to make moves that weren't obvious and could be interpreted in numerous ways in hopes of them catching it and reciprocating with bigger moves. it never worked. some people i was sure they were flirting with me. it turned out they weren't. a big portion of the people i liked turned out to be taken. I've always fallen too fast and too hard without even really knowing them, and when i got to know this information, it was too late. i got my heart broken. i always got very attached to people (romantic interests and friends, and the latter hurt more), too fast and too strong for my own good. it's something i've been working on in therapy for 7 years already. i also got diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder 7 years ago. i've come a long way and i've been seeing incredible results, but i'm still not where i want to be.

in the past three years, i've come out and started my transition. i also lost my religion and have been dismantling the complex system of beliefs that has been holding me down. these two things significantly improved my relationship with my body and my sexuality. i'm less dysphoric and i like my own body now. i'm no longer scared of having sexual fantasies. (when i was little, they made me believe having those was equivalent to raping that person) i've confessed to three men and a half (half because the confession might have not been clear and he didn't really react to it, but he also flirted with me before?? i'm gonna talk to him about it soon). i got rejected those three times (one guy's reason was that i'm trans). i also got rejected a few more times without confessing, that was on dating apps. and there were a few more unrequited loves these past three years that didn't even reject me, but it was clear they had no interest in me (they were mostly taken, as i later found out).

i've never had sex. ex-boyfriend was a sex-repulsed asexual. he's the only person i ever kissed. i'm not against hook ups, but i feel like it would be safer for me to have first sex with someone close to me who i can trust. i'm scared for my first time to be with a stranger.

i have a hard time flirting with people. it's difficult and nerve-wracking for me unless i can see that that person is interested too (if you're wondering who i flirted with, it was one of the guys who rejected me later. he flirted with me too, at least it looked that way.) i don't know where the line is, what's appropriate and what isn't. i've flirted with this one guy and i feel like it has no effect?? i'm scared of being too gross. i'm also scared of flirting and immediately being rejected because i read the room wrong and that person only sees me as a friend. i'm scared of the humiliation. i'm scared of feeling less than. i'm scared of the other person being mean to me. i know rejection is a part of life and it's not the end of the world, but i feel like i've been rejected so many times compared to the number of times i haven't (1), that each rejection just stacks one another. i feel dysregulated. i feel inferior sometimes. all the thoughts and feelings are so complicated. i feel like i never calm down and heal fully. it just continues on.

my options are significantly smaller than those of the majority because i'm trans and gay. i also have a very particular type that's hard to find. i've fallen for people outside my type, too, but in general, i'm not really attracted to a big number of people, which too makes my options smaller. it's not like i don't meet any new people, i do, through friends, on dating apps, at school, at pride events... but i don't go to clubs or bars. i'm shy and scared. i might go soon though.

i've mostly gone for cis men. i think i'd have more of a chance if i went for trans men. i see a lot of trans people dating each other and they're so happy. they say T4T is amazing. it's not like i wouldn't date a trans guy. but so far the trans men i've known just weren't my type. and if i was attracted to them, i later found their personality unlikable (one manipulated me and gaslighted me). as i said, my type is very specific. i like men who are more femme, but in a certain way. i also have a thing for long hair. i myself present more femme and have long hair. i wonder if it's just internalized transphobia. that maybe i should be attracted to more trans men. but i don't fully believe i'm wrong for this. i just think trans men tend to go for masculinity or short-haired androgyny more often and i'm not attracted to that very often. you might think – it's not all about looks! if you like someone, you'll start to find them attractive no matter what they look like. and yeah. i know. but they should interest me in some way, right? and since i've been super busy (uni + two jobs) and honestly have a lot of friends already that i'm trying to keep contact with, i haven't really felt the need to connect with more people unless i'm already attracted to them.

i've done a lot of complaining here. you might find me annoying. i just needed to vent somewhere. because frankly, i'm just fucking tired. and i'm scared that i will never find someone. it's not just about a long term relationship. i wonder if there's even one person that's attracted to me. i know it's not other people's fault. i have a lot of problems to deal with that make dating harder for me. I know i should've been more proactive in the past and i still should be. it's just that each step carries a new possibility of rejection. and i wonder if there's a point when i can't take it anymore. there's currently someone i really like. he flirted with me. i need to talk to him and figure what's up. it's just that i'm so scared. all the time. i've overcame my fear with him so many times – to talk to him, to ask him to hang out, to flirt with him... sometimes i've been let down. i don't know what he wants. it's been a long time and i wonder if it ever ends up somewhere other than a friendship. i'm scared that even if he likes me, he'll give up on me because i'm not proactive enough. my fear makes me fuck my chances up. but i can't help myself sometimes.

if you read it all, thank you. if anyone has any nice words or advice, i'd love to hear them. if anyone feels the same, i'd also love to hear that. i'm gonna talk about it with friends for the millionth time and in therapy tomorrow. and i will be okay. hopefully.

[aprilsadviceaskblog]

I'll try not to dump too much, also I hope you are doing well!! You help so many people, I hope you know how much good you've done :)

Sorry if this is too much or if it isn't something you want to answer. No pressure. Also could you tag this with "nightingale anon"? Thanks for your time and any advice :)

I grew up in foster care and there was a lot of shit that happened ranging from neglect to murder attempts and a bunch of stuff, and my adoptive mother I'm pretty sure is schizophrenic? And may or may not run a cult (it's complicated).

I have a friend that I've been getting closer with because we became roommates and she opened up about stuff and I did too, but after living together (2 other roommates too) for a few months she finally told me she doesn't like if I mention anything about my past and that she finds my life disturbing and extremely uncomfortable.

This happened after a series of miscommunication where I thought she wanted me to elaborate and she just would stare at me?? And she said that staring apparently is concern?? She also greatly misunderstood me coming out as ace (she talks a ton about her sexuality. She has little filter) and ended up comparing me to Jeffrey Dahmer because of it -_-

We've come to an "agreement" where I just w6ont mention anything personal or my life but she still overshare a ton. I know my experiences are pretty extreme compared to a life without trauma, but it sucks to have confirmation that I just.. can't talk to anyone about anything in my life because it's too disturbing or sad. So many things talk about having a support network but I literally cannot have one because even a tiny bit of stuff is too much and if I think I'm close to someone and try to talk (asking if they're okay with it first) they end up distancing from me because of it.

Is it bad that it kinda hurts? Like I guess sometimes it sucks being reminded that I'll never have actual friends (not acquaintances) or family or anything that other people seem to have. I know I should just accept that because of who I am and my life circumstances I'll never have a support network of any kind or even long lasting friends, but sometimes I'm not very good at accepting that.

I know ""everyone deserves family"" but with my life my experiences are so vastly different that i struggle to relate with anyone and no one has ever related to me, or wants to.

I also can't afford a therapist or anything. My job is online and because I graduated early (all online) there's no easy way of making friends either. I feel like I squandered any chance at making friends growing up because I focused too much on surviving.

Hi anon,

This sounds complicated and I’m sad for you.

First of all, you’re absolutely allowed to feel hurt. And if I can just be blunt, your roommate is being shitty. While it’s valid to have boundaries, I’m not a fan of when people make things unequal to that extreme.

It’s complicated because people are allowed to have boundaries, but try and be mindful that these don’t end up leaving the relationship “unfair”.

My friend and I were talking about this the other day where she knew someone who had hard boundaries and always looked out for herself and wouldn’t inconvenience herself for anyone. Not romantic partners, best friends or anyone. Which is super valid and her choice but the problem is she expected everyone else to go above and beyond for her. I think at that point, things become unfair. And that’s a similar impression to what I get here.

I struggle with making friends. I always have. Both my last two relationships were people I met online. (On Tumblr actually). And my friend of 12 years I just met for the first time in person last week (I met her on FanFiction.net originally and she got me into tumblr). What I’m trying to say is that I’ve been able to have fulfilling friendships online and found it easier to find people with similar interests. Before I met my friend of 12 years, I still found our friendship fulfilling and something I loved about my life. I also have a couple other online friends that I enjoy having relationships with. We send dog pics, and offer support.

It’s not easy, and some people end up disappointing, but I do think it’s possible to make friends.

It is allowed to hurt. And you are allowed to grieve for what you don’t have. You’re allowed to feel these things. These feelings are so valid. And I’m definitely not trying to tell you what to do but I don’t think it’s hopeless.

Could you try finding a support group online? Or even just a space to talk about your interests to meet other like minded people?