#i've been weighing the idea in my mind for the past few days and here are the conclusions i've come to:

[decamarks]

dear god someone euthanize me right now (<- SHE IS HAVING THOUGHTS OF MAKING ANOTHER AMV) (<- SHE HAS ALREADY TAKEN TENTATIVE STEPS TOWARDS ITS CREATION)

[roosterr]

guardian angel ✹ ch 1

note: as promised, here it is!! inspired of course by the wonderful @sofasoap and their lastochka series, which is the entire reason i'm kinda obsessed with nik now tbh. this fic came to me in a vision from god, this might be the fastest i've ever written anything. anyways enjoy and i hope i can indoctrinate a few more people into the loving nik cult

pairing: nikolai x gn!reader

word count: 3.6k

no use of y/n, no description of reader

readers callsign in kilo '0-9'

summary: after a headache of a mission, being shot at by your ride isn't quite the picture perfect ending you had in mind; but hiding out in the desert with him, now that's something you can get behind

warnings: descriptions of injuries, canon-typical violence, fluff, soft nik, minor character death, my poor duolingo knowledge of russian, nik relentlessly flirting with you, reader being a little bit of a mess

ao3

[two]

your breathing was ragged, blood rushing hot in your ears and every sense on high alert. the ground felt like it might slide from under you, built up exhaustion of the last few days weighing heavily on your overworked mind. being stranded in less than friendly territory with no solid idea of when help was coming – if at all – had done a serious number on your composure; but it was so close to being over, the exfil site was up ahead, the tall office-looking building was within your sights now. all you had to do was make it to the roof and you'd be home free.

you weren't even sure if you were still being tailed, the frantic beating of your heart drowning out any noise from around you. though considering you hadn't been shot at in quite some time, you had to assume you'd lost your assailants at some point during your escape. your hand was beginning to ache from the iron grip you have on your gun, but you don't dare holster it – your guard wouldn't be down until you were safely within the walls of your own base, whenever that may be.

you skid to a stop just before the glass doors of the building, pressing yourself to the wall and slowly peeking around the corner. you don't see anyone inside, so you carefully push through the door and step inside, letting it click shut behind you.

you're just about to head for the entrance to the stairway along the back wall, when from the corner of your eye something grabs your attention; the short, almost undetectable glint of sunlight reflecting off metal, just slightly poking out from around the corner.

your heart misses a beat, eyes widening in the fraction of a second it takes you to throw yourself to the floor, narrowly missing the bullet that whizzes past and shatters the glass behind you. the shards rain down on your back and the ground, digging into your palms as you push yourself to crouch and point your gun in the direction the shot came from. whoever was there had disappeared around the corner again, bringing a frown to your face.

"you gonna fight me like a man, or stay hiding over there all day?" you taunt, masking the tiredness in your voice with aggression. or at least that's what you try to do; you're not sure how believable it is paired with the undeniable shake in your hands. you see a few drops of blood fall from them, silently cursing yourself for acting so carelessly. you could feel the tiny shards under your skin as you tighten your grip around your weapon, never once taking your eyes off where you'd seen the gun.

"those are fighting words, 0-9," a voice breaks the silence, deep and heavily accented. you narrowed your eyes – he sounded very russian, exactly like the people you'd been running from for the last three days.

"how do you know me?" you demand, your overworked muscles aching from where you were crouching. you hear footsteps, tensing your arms again, and the mystery shooter sidesteps into your view, his arms raised next to his head and gun firmly in its holster at his hip.

"i am nikolai, a friend of the commander." he offers, giving you a small, lopsided smile. your glare doesn't waver as you examine his appearance; the aviators hanging from his collar and the clunky headset around his neck suggested that he was a pilot, and farah had told you it was too dangerous to send more than one person to rescue you – and to top it all off, you can't deny that he's attractive.

uh oh. that's not a great thought to have about a stranger you just met, and in enemy territory no less.

"you expect me to believe that?" your voice is lower, testing. his smile grows, and he nods in an exaggerated, almost amused, manner.

"if i wasn't, would we still be talking?" he asks, beginning to lower his hands, but when you move your gun up to point between his eyes, he continues, "i will get you home in one piece, farah karim's orders."

you say nothing for a moment, considering your options. he hadn't given you any concrete evidence that he really was friendly, and not just tricking you – aside from knowing farah's name – but then again, your enemies so far had been much more keen on killing you than transporting you to a secondary location. that, and he was currently your only way out of here which meant you were summarily out of options. you'd have to have a talk with farah about codewords once you get back.

you sigh, lowering your gun, "i guess i just have to trust you then, huh?" he walks over to where you're still on the floor, and you hold your suspicious glare on him as he approaches.

"i guess you do." he's still smiling – though it's smaller now, more natural – even as he grabs your free hand and hauls you to your feet. you wince at the sharp sting of his hand digging into the countless slices in your palm, holstering your gun and meeting his eyes again. "even if i wasn't your ally, it would be a crime to ruin such a pretty face." he adds, and you realise in that moment how close he was standing to you – his chest almost touching yours, near enough that you could see the reflection of yourself in his deep brown eyes.

"i– you, uh–" for a moment all you can do is sputter, feeling the heat rising in your cheeks. you snap yourself out of it with an exasperated shake of your head, you turn and march towards the stairwell, hoping he couldn't tell how thrown off you were. "let– let's go already, we don't have time for this…" you call over your shoulder, focusing your mind back on the situation at hand, and not on the way his smile makes your heart feel light.

he chuckles at your reaction, low and rumbling in his chest, before following after you. "of course, милая." he says, and you don't have to turn around to know he has that zealous grin on his face.

you'd barely slept for the last three days, only being able to get in two or three hour power naps every now and then, and as a result your body and mind were both well and truly at their limits. if you thought your legs were tired while you were running, they were positively agonising going up the seven flights of stairs to where nikolai's helicopter was waiting. the man in question didn't say anything more as you ascended the stairs, perhaps because he could sense your fatigue, which you appreciated. when the two of you finally got to the roof, it took all of your self control not to collapse onto the flat ground, but you manage to hold yourself together just a little bit longer as you approach the helicopter.

"the flight will be a few hours, you should use the time to rest, милая." nik says, sliding open the door and stepping up onto the chopper. he offers you a hand, which you gladly accept, letting him pull you up alongside him. you're again reminded of the cuts in your hands, but elect to ignore it until you're not about to pass out.

"way ahead of you, i'm gonna sleep like a corpse after this." you reply, groaning as you flop down into one of the seats. the noise of the engines wouldn't be able to keep you awake, not what you'd been through on this mission.

he laughs again as he slides the door shut, sending your heart fluttering, but thankfully he's already sitting in the pilot's seat, so he can't see the way you fluster at the sound. you busy yourself with putting on a headset and strapping yourself in while he starts the engines.

you're up in the air in no time, and true to your word, you're out like a light almost immediately and stay that way for the duration of the flight. your dreams – fortunately or unfortunately – are completely occupied by a certain black–haired russian, whose first impression seems to have had a very strong effect on you. it's almost strange, how much you liked nikolai right out the gate, the two of you had just met and you could already feel yourself getting attached.

✹✹✹

your much needed slumber is interrupted by the man himself, his hand on your shoulder gently shaking you back to consciousness. you open your eyes, blinking away the residual sleep and your eyes water a little with the sting of how tired you still are.

“we’re here, sergeant, time to get up.” nik is quiet, crouched in front of you with his sunglasses perched on his nose. you groan, your sleep addled brain not quite back up and running yet, but you push yourself up from your slouched position

“five more minutes…” you mutter, freeing yourself from your seat and earning a low chuckle from nikolai. your stomach flips at the sound. you stretch as you stand, feeling the substantial ache in every limb, your eyes following nik as he places both headsets back on their hooks. he must’ve taken yours off while he was trying to wake you up, you note.

“you weren’t lying,” he says, and you can hear the smile in his voice even before he turns to look at you, “you really did sleep like a log, i'm a little impressed.” you return his grin as he slides the door open and gestures for you to jump down first.

“what can i say? your driving was just that smooth.” you comment, revelling in the feeling of the urzikstanian sun on your face.

he hops down after you and opens his mouth to respond, but before he can get any words out another voice cuts him off by calling out your name. the two of you turn in the direction of the voice, and you smile at the sight of farah walking towards you with alex in tow.

“glad to see you made it back in one piece,” she places a reassuring hand on your bicep, before bringing you into a brief hug.

“glad to be in one piece,” you reply, pulling back from farah and giving alex a quick hug too, “though i'd be lying if i said it wasn't painless.” you look back at nikolai with a pointed stare. farah lets out a small laugh at his bashful, if slightly guilty, grin and guides you with a hand on your shoulder to walk alongside her.

"we should get moving, we're still not safe here. you can fill me in on the details when we get back to base." she leads you to the truck you assume she and alex arrived in, moving around to lower the tailgate and unload the two motorcycles secured on the back.

"it's too dangerous to continue by air," alex explains, helping the commander move the bikes and closing the tailgate, "you two can take the truck, farah and i will scout ahead on the bikes."

you glance back at nik before giving alex an affirming nod, walking around to the passenger side and opening the door.

"you're driving, unless you want me to pass out behind the wheel." you call out to him, a playful smirk gracing your lips. he returns the look, raising his hands in mock surrender and making his way to the other door.

"your wish is my command," he teases, settling into the drivers seat and as you click your seatbelt, you see him give you a wink over his sunglasses, once again sending your head floating. you quickly face forward again as you set off, watching the others disappear ahead of you and pretending your heart isn't beating wildly out of control.

✹✹✹

the drive is peaceful, a very welcome change to the pure chaos you'd been dealing with lately. you gaze out the windows, watching as the sun slowly lowers in the sky, casting the scenery in a golden glow. occasionally, you spare a glance at nikolai's profile, and with the way a tiny smile tugs at his lips whenever you look over, you can tell he notices your eyes on him. you both choose not to acknowledge it, much to your relief; you might just go into cardiac arrest if he flirts with you any more.

almost an hour of blissful peace and quiet goes by before you hear any news.

"there's a convoy headed your direction," you and nik share a look as farah's voice sounds through the radio, "find some cover and wait for them to pass, we can't afford a confrontation with them."

"copy that, commander." nik replies. the quiet between you was slightly more tense now, as you both scan the environment for somewhere you can take cover. the sun hadn't dipped below the horizon yet, but it would soon and the last thing you wanted was to be caught off guard in the dark.

"over there," you call out, pointing a ways ahead at a place where the ground dips behind a large rock outcropping, "we can park behind those rocks."

nik pulls off the road, coming to a bumpy stop next to the twiggy foliage as close to the rocks as he could get, and cuts the engine. you unbuckle and hop out, jogging around the back of the truck and kicking dirt over the tyre tracks you'd left behind, breaking off a stick from a nearby bush to scratch away your boot-prints. chances are the convoy wouldn't be paying that much attention, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

after sufficiently covering the evidence of the truck, you make your way back to stand with nik as he updates farah on your location. he dropped the radio into the back of the truck and turned to you, opening his mouth to say something, but pausing once his eyes land on you.

“your hands, милая,” nikolai's gravelly yet soft voice brings you back to reality, as he takes your bloody fingers into his own. “you are still hurt.” he looks up to meet your eyes, and even through his sunglasses, you can see the worried look in his eyes.

“yeah, never got around to patching them up.” you mutter, your gaze falling to your wounds as the pain starts to set in. you'd been so tired, paired with the adrenaline from earlier, that you completely forgot about the cuts and glass still littering your hands. nik gently squeezes your wrists, bringing your attention back to him.

“please, allow me.” he's lost the usually teasing tone, and the intensity in his gaze has you fidgeting in his hold. 

“oh– uh, sure…” you stutter, burning heat rising up your neck to the tips of your ears at the tiny smile your words evoke. he lets go of your hands, opening the door of the truck and rummaging through the compartments for a minute. shutting the door again, he returns to your side with a small med kit in his hand.

he gestures for you to sit, and you get as comfortable as the hard desert ground will allow as he crouches next to you. your non-dominant hand is significantly more cut up, so he starts with that one; gently pulling it closer to him and wiping away all the blood and dirt that had built up.

"извините," he looks up and meets your eye with the same bashful look from earlier as he picks the glass out of your hand, "for almost shooting you."

"is that an apology?" you wince slightly as he starts to wrap a bandage around your palm, and he nods. "well, you missed, so I'll let it slide." you smile, watching him patch you up in the orange light.

he laughs, grinning at you as he moves on to your other hand. "so gracious, милая."

"what is that?" you ask, and he looks up to you with a questioning expression. "mee-la-ya? you keep calling me that." you continue, wincing again at the feeling of the antiseptic in your cuts.

"милая. it means 'darling'." he smiles, and carries on patching up your had like he hadn't just caused your stomach to erupt into butterflies. for a moment, all you can do is stare at him, mouth agape and any words you could come up with dying on your tongue.

"you, uh– you call all of your almost-homicides that? or do i get special treatment?" you try to ignore the stutter in your voice that betrays your nerves, and you can only hope that nik can't feel how your hands are shaking.

"нет. just you, моя дорогая." he's still smiling as he meets your eye again, soft and kind, and you get the feeling he's not teasing you this time. he's finished cleaning up your cuts, but he still holds your hand in his, a gentle touch you can't say you're used to experiencing. you choose not to question him on the new phrase, you're not sure your poor heart could take the answer.

"i'm, uh– flattered…" the words come out as a whisper, and you're suddenly very aware of how close the two of you are to each other; you can feel the heat radiating from him, see the way his eyes watch you from behind his sunglasses, and if you leaned forward ever so slightly…

the moment is interrupted by the low rumbling of cars in the distance, steadily growing louder and louder as they approach your position. although it's unlikely they'll spot you in the dim light of the setting sun, you still hold your breath as you listen to them drive past your cover. the groaning of the engines rolls past without faltering, and you release a breath you didn't realise you were holding.

neither of you dare to move until they're safely past where you're hiding. nik is first to break the silence, as you pull yourself up to mirror how he's crouching.

"looks like…" his words fade into white noise as you spot a shadowed figure over his shoulder, standing unmoving next to a motorcycle at the side of the road.

a moment passes, and at first you thought it might be alex, or farah, but you realise that they're both a couple miles up the road from where you are. but then your eye catches the orange glint of the sun reflecting off something in the figures raised arm, pointing directly at nikolai's back–

"nik!" you react on impulse, shouting his name as you shove him to land on his back with you over him, pulling your gun from its holster with one hand and holding yourself up with the other. your finger squeezes the trigger without hesitation, a bullet landing firmly in your target's chest. 

their body makes a dull thud when it hits the ground. you look down, finding nik already looking up at you with a sufficiently shocked expression.

"бляаты…" he mutters, twisting his neck to look at the body a few metres away, before looking back up at you. "you saved my life,"

"let's call it even, then." you smile, shifting to get off of him, but he stops you with a hand on your waist before you can get too far. you freeze, his touch igniting sparks under your skin despite the layers separating you.

"how about i call you my guardian angel instead?" he utters, returning your smile with a suave one of his own. he lifts his sunglasses with his other hand, hooking them into the collar of your shirt and using them to gently tug you down closer to him.

"wha… y-you– i don't– uh–" you sputter, jumping away from him and falling backwards onto the dusty ground in your haste to get away. your brain feels like it's short circuiting as you cover your burning face with your hands, an embarrassed whine leaving your throat.

"why are you covering your face?" nik chuckles and you hear him shuffle slightly closer. you're glad you can't see the smug face you're sure he's making at you.

"...you fluster me." you mumble through your fingers. part of you hopes he didn't hear you, but the way he pulls your hands away from your face makes it clear that he did. his grip is featherlight, as if he were afraid you'd shatter if he was too rough. you will yourself to meet his eyes again, seeing him looking at you with such an intensity it has you wanting to cover your face again.

"you fluster me more, милая," he utters, his face so close to yours you can feel his breath on your face. you're almost worried you might burst into flames with how hot your face is.

"i think you're just saying that to make me feel better…" you mumble, your eyes involuntarily darting to his lips, inches from your own, and back up to his dark eyes.

"maybe," one of his hands comes up to your face, his thumb gently your cheek as you stare him down. "come, люблю, we should let the commander know we're okay." he stands, tugging your wrist to bring you up with him and retrieving the radio from the back of the truck.

he talks to farah while you stay by the truck, your eyes following his form as he inspects the man you shot; and you can't help the way your pulse skyrockets as you wonder, what have you gotten yourself into?

[cecedownbad]

Hold On

Summary: A missing child's case resurfaced so many memories you wished to keep buried. Sure enough, seeking comfort from the heavy feelings came by as a form of a person. [Spencer Reid X Fem!Reader] Part 2.

Warning: Child abduction, death of a child, angst, no Y/N, made up last name: Cyrus, made up case, light fluff, hurt/ comfort, not too romance-y but alluding to it, not proof read, I don't think the mystery/crime aspect is good but let me hear thoughts guys. Something extra in tags, read after the story.

Word Count: 4.1k

Part 1

I'm so sorry this took so long, my exams, mental health, projects, assignments allll just rolled in the past months, and I've been doing everything to stay on top of writing. It's rushed towards the end but with all that's going on I hope it's okay. If anyone is up for part 3, I'm all for it .

Enjoy

"Those who cannot remember the past, are condemned to repeat it."

-George Santayana

'Okay, let's see, Conrad Miller, 16 years old, went missing on June 12th, 2007. Last seen by the local church with one of the volunteers, she was questioned once but was never linked as she had a solid alibi, her name was Grace Cyrus.' Tara paused. 'So she took Conrad, no she definitely didn't just take him, poor kid is definitely not okay.'

'Right now Stephen is our priority, the anniversary of Steven's disappearance is in 4 days, so what does she want with him now?' You pace in the room, spinning a pen you grabbed in your hand. 'I think that's something only you can answer, what happened 4 days prior to Steven's disappearance?' Tara pondered, she sat down, looking at you, intent on finding answers. '4 days prior…that was the day my dad— Daniel had come to visit, they, Grace and him got into a fight and Stevie, Steven tried to "protect" Daniel in his own way, he thought Mom was going to hurt him…'

Was it then that this all weighed down on you? Words long lost had started pouring through the cracks of memories locked away. You were never in that station in that moment, no, now you were back there.

'Stevie, get back here! We can't stop them!'

'No! No let go! I don't want Dad to go, Mom's going to send him away!'

'Steven!'

No matter how hard you tried, he slipped from your tensed grasp, landing right between two enraged adults.

Pacing the floor helped gather your thoughts, a little better.

'What was the very last thing she said to you when you left?'

The thought of how it all ended passed through your minds, each time much like a bullet to the brain but you push it all down, now wasn't the right time for you. 'everything okay there?' Tara asked you, it's only been a few minutes since you and Tara confronted the idea that Grace might have done more than anyone could have put together.

'Yeah just a lot going on in my head, I think I need a breather.'

'Hold that thought, JJ and Luke are back with Daniel,'

Your hand now wrapped around the empty coffee mug, a dad you haven't spoken to for the last two decades, what would you have to say? or better yet, what would he say to you? This isn't an official reunion, it's an interrogation and who knows what will spill out of your mouth if you see the very first man in your life that disappointed you, taught you that having a person in your life was enough to make you fall apart.

'JJ and I will go in first, you sit tight.' Tara patted your shoulder giving it a good squeeze before heading out the conference room.

It was soon after that Rossi, Reid and Emily came back in, all three harnessing disappointment with their stride. 'Hey, what happened?'

'Well, Rosa was not in her home, we searched the house and by the looks of it, she hardly came back there.' Emily sat down with her legs crossed. 'but, her room had keepsakes, maybe from the time you lived with her?'

'What did she have?'

'She had pictures, some old folded drawings, and the weirdest one, an old juice box.' as Emily finished, you sat up from your chair, 'an old juice box? Do you remember what flavour?'

'I think it was Apple? Why? Does it have something to do with Steven?'

'…'

'Cyrus?'

'That, uh, it's nothing, I think sentimental feelings do surface no matter what kind of person you are.' You began fidgeting with your sleeves, your mind now slowly began recalling events that transpired long ago. 'Is there something else? It looks like you aren't sure about something.' Rossi eyed your movements, he knew something was keeping you. 'My mother, she'd never show any sign that she felt remorse, not even as far as I could remember.'

'Okay Reid, stay with her, I'm going to check in with JJ and the rest. Rossi? Do you mind?' soon after, Rossi and Emily exited the room, leaving you and Spencer in the conference room. 'Could you tell me what kind of person your mother is?' Spencer sat down right before you, urging you to take a seat right next to him and you did.

'She was an uptight woman, she loved to be in control of her life that meant being in control of mine too, it's why I left. She loved being seen.'

'Being seen? What do you mean?'

'She was always a respected figure no matter where she went, be it at work or in the neighborhood, she pushed for that at home too. When Steven had disappeared, I would always remember how she would tell me he was in a better place, and that if I do anything to disobey her or question her authority, I would be punished.' your head hung as you remembered more, 'I would study, day and night, that was the only life I knew, if my grades dropped by a mark, she'd lock me in my room, made sure I only had books on my desk.'

'Did Daniel ever drop by after what happened to Steven?' Spencer asked gently, 'No, I never saw him after that, I thought he finally got sick of mom and left, but I see now that wasn't the case.'

'Okay—'

'You know the one thing I can't seem to remember though?' you looked up at Spencer, his eyebrows now furrowed in question. 'My mother would always say how beautiful I am, and…and that I look just like her, her very own reflection but, Spencer, I can't…I can't remember her face.' your voice sounded shattered at what came out of it. You felt the tears fall, but you couldn't turn away or hide them, Spencer saw just how much this hurts you.

'You are your own person, no one can ever take that from you, no matter what, you are you.' He held your hand, rubbing his thumb over the back of your palm, that gave you a sign of comfort and you smiled at him. 'Alright, let's get back to the case.' quickly wiping away your tears and pasting on a smile, which you flash at Spencer, he in turn regained a more unmoving figure. 'When you said Rosa knew that Steven would never come back, what did you mean?'

'I was only a kid but to me it felt like she already knew that Steven had maybe...and all I could remember was a frown anytime I even remotely related to Steven.' You return with an answer. It was then the phone on the table went off.

'What is it Garcia?'

'So I dug into Daniel a bit more, and you aren't going to like this, so he was actually never in Bakersfield until a week ago, before that he was working as a cab driver in Nevada. He was in Nevada for a long time, but he touched base sometime in 2007, in the month of June. Looks like he tried several times to contact his ex wife but she never entertained any of it. What is concerning is that he was reported of stalking a young boy, said he mistook the boy for a boy he knew and he meant no harm but he was fired from his workplace and when was that? A little before coming over to Bakersfield.' Once Garcia had informed both of you, it was then JJ, Emily and Luke walked back in.

'What did the boy look like?' Spencer asked, 'I sent his picture to your phone.'

'Thank you Garcia.' You picked up your cell and scrolled through to find the image.

'No problemo.'

Upon quick inspection, you could tell at a glance the young boy and Steven shared a few similarities, nothing too obvious except hair colour and facial structure, age is the more obvious factor.

JJ walked in, arms crossed, she sighed but began asking what Garcia checked in for, 'Looks like Daniel was fired from his work place prior to coming to Bakersfield a week before Stephen's abduction.' You informed the three.

'If I didn't know any better, I'd say that's a trigger for him.' Emily began, 'Yeah, I agree.' and Luke followed suit.

'So he not only gets rejected by his ex-wife, but fired from his work place for stalking a boy that looks like his son, then he goes and kidnaps a boy that Rosa seemingly dotes on? Something doesn't add up.' JJ looked on with confusion. 'How did it go with him?' you asked finally.

'Said he had something vital for the case but he would only discuss it with you.' Emily sat down, her voice already etching with exhaustion. 'He's hiding something and my gut is saying it can't be good.'

'I'll go talk to him.' You were close to leaving the room, but Emily had halted your motions.

'Wait,'

'Yeah?'

'Reid will go with you, Tara might want to step out.' You gave a quick nod to Emily's order.

Every step to the interrogation room, you could hear the pained voices of yours, more precisely, from when you were a child. A young girl, alone in a room with nothing but her thoughts, you swallowed hard as you stood by the entrance of the viewing room. When you entered, you let Spencer call Tara from the interrogation room to the viewing room. 'No matter what, don't give in to his requests, you need to break him down, and if you ever want to leave, you can.' Tara gave you a small nudge and she stayed back in the room.

This was it, you let Spencer lead you into the interrogation room, allowing him to get there before you creeped on behind.

'How many times do I need to tell you people? Can't you bring my daug—you, your—'

'Let me be very clear, you have something vital for this case and I'm willing to hear you out, but say or do anything and you will be escorted out of the door by agents, understood?' the firm voice you let out hid every sorry cry that was wailing in you, having not seen your father for 20 years was a shock but not something that should be seen. 'Look at you, what it's been 15, 20 years, oh my beautiful little angel, I missed you.' honey coated words slipped from his mouth and every cell in you twisted in anger and contempt, 'Mr. Carter, the case.' Spencer stepped in this time.

'Always in such a hurry, well, since you brought my little girl. I know where the kid is being held.' He sat there with no remorse, no care that a child, close to the age of the son he lost years ago, was missing.

'Where might that be?'

'I can take you there, but I'll only go if she goes with me.'

After so long, he cares or at least that's what he's showing but you knew what he was playing at, he thought he could get away light just because his flesh and blood was in the justice system, what a sorry bastard.

'I think we're done here.' Spencer had got up from his chair but you stayed seated, deal or not you wanted to break the man in front of you and that was what was nailing you down to your chair. 'Mr. Carter, what good will it do if I went with you? Was it not enough that you came in here demanding to see your daughter about a case I know damn well you don't care about?' you pressed, choice of words were clearly targeted but your composure remained cool. 'What do you mean, you know what happened to Stevi—'

'Your son that you never bothered to report missing? I don't believe you have a right to bring that up, Sir.'

'Now listen here—'

'In the time Rosa had left you behind, you did nothing but fail to bring yourself together, I have a question for you, what were you doing on June 12th, 2007? Why did you come back to Bakersfield prior to that date?' you swiped through the tablet that Tara handed to you, it contained everything Garcia had found including some case files. 'I don't know why you're asking me that, don't you have the life of a boy to save?' He avoided it with such harshness, you only wanted to pry further but somehow it felt like you knew the answer, but the words never fell into place.

'Answer the question Daniel.' Spencer sat back down now jabbing at him as well. 'I just had someone to meet, is that really so important?'

'Why did you need to meet them? Did you coming back here have anything to do with Rosa Cyrus, your ex-wife?' Your slowly tapped at the desk, it was a timed beat. 'I did visit her once but that—'

'Were you aware that a teenager was reported missing around the same time you arrived here? His name was Conrad Miller, he was 16 years old.'

'W-what? I-I don't know anything about that.'

'Really? Because it says in the case files that Rosa was the last person to have seen Conrad, but you knew that didn't you?' He flinched at the response, at this point he wore a sign that screamed suspicious.

It was then that Daniel remained silent, you believed that any word that came out of him at that point would dig his grave deeper.

You stepped out of the room and walked into the room behind the mirror. 'Now he won't speak,' Rossi now stood there with his arms in his pocket.

'We need to find Rosa and Stephen soon, the man is hiding something and Rosa is the key to finding out why.' Rossi took the words right out of your mouth, looks you both knew what he was playing at.

'I think I can help with that, how much can you guys bet on a gut feeling?' You asked the three of them, weary of their answer, 'At this point? I'll take it.' Rossi let out, the two soon followed. 'Rosa will most likely be at the house we used to live in, which is not in this area, I'm hoping that she's keeping Stephen safe,'

'Safe? How come?' Tara asked you, 'Daniel here, came a week prior to Stephen's abduction, not only did he lose his job before coming here, he needed to have a reason to come here,' you deduce.

'His reason being Rosa? But wouldn't that not trigger Rosa?' Looks like you still needed to elaborate your theory, so you continued. 'It did, Rosa having heard that Daniel came here must have caused her protective instinct to kick in, call me crazy, but I think Rosa is keeping Stephen away from Daniel.' you finally let out a sigh, your palms clammed from sweat but if you were right, the little boy you came here for was safe.

'A mother's protective instinct, I'm guessing that something happened 20 years ago that she didn't agree on, which caused her to completely reject this guy, I'll have Garcia send the address of her prior location.' Rossi curtly exited the room, Tara followed along.

Spencer stood before you in silence, you didn't register any movement from him because all your focus was on the man, sitting on the other side of that glass.

'You can go on ahead, Reid, I need to talk to him.' 

'But I can't let you go in alone...'

You huffed, your eyes did what it could but meet his but looking away won't make what you want go away, 'Given the chance, I might punch the daylights out of him—'

'More of a reason for me to stay.' 

Spencer interrupted, you returned with a sharp look in your eyes before you relaxed, 'Let me finish, I would want to give him a piece of my mind but I need to know, I just, he's the only one that has got to know something about Steven, maybe I can finally put him to rest.' 

It was selfish, that's what you called it, asking for just one more clue when you couldn't do anything before. Maybe now that helpless little girl all those years ago, can see her brother off. 'I need to do this, alone...'

'...' 

You stood there, waiting for something, a sound from him in response, anything at all. 'I'll wait here, being short of another agent will not slow down the rest of the team.' He'd finished but his response ticked you, it poked at the idea of a child being monitored by their parents.

'I don't need you watching my every move, Reid.'

'I'm just following orders.'

'Following orders? Do I look like a child to you? Do I need a leash around my neck too? I can handle him, he's one man!' Your voice raised, and you stared up at your fellow colleague with a ray of contempt.

'A man you can't stand being around for long, you sounded just fine in there earlier to anyone that watched, but do you want to know what I saw? I saw that you were holding back, hard enough your hands curled at his answers, your feet apart was enough for me to know that you would have given Emily a reason for you to be dismissed from the case.' He'd stated what was right, but it wasn't right to you, not right now, you don't know when it would be. 'I'll wait here, you can go in alone.'

Your feet put you in place for a good moment, his words tore right through you. He was right, somewhere in your clouded judgement, you understood he was right, but just because you understood doesn't mean you accepted it.

With a second left to pass, you turned from Spencer. All in silence, it was accepted that you had a job to uphold, no matter the personal toll.

-------------------------------

The dial ups in the station, voices of police officers, movement all around you had become void. Nothing, that's what you heard when you left the interrogation room, you couldn't even hear one Agent calling out to you when you had left. Something gathered, something rotten had formed in your stomach. Your body felt hot, your head on a swivel.

You felt the acid burn at your throat, the half conscious part of you managed to drag your feet to a bathroom stall for you to expel the choux pastry you ingested.

Standing before the mirror now, you washed your mouth, feeling the remnants of the expelled food at your throat.

Nothing felt right to you, not right then, not right now. Having no mind to lose any more time, Reid waited in the conference room as you begrudgingly walked yourself back into it. You said nothing.

You dialed in Emily immediately, hoping she hadn't reached the house yet. 'What have you got for me Cyrus?' 

'I spoke to Daniel.'

'What did he say?'

'He'd been sending frequent messages and calling my mother, they met once, 2007. There was an argument and Conrad had gotten in-between the two of them, it didn't end well.' you informed her, almost mechanically.

'What did he say about Steven?' JJ chimed in.

'Steven was, he said he was never meant to be hurt and Rosa in the mess of things, covered up for him. He told me where...I know where his body is.' Your voice strained, as it got to harsher details.

Nothing came out though, you tried filling in the rest of the details but your voice was overtaken. A pleading look carried over to Spencer and he took over. 'He said that you have to ask where he's sleeping, Rosa's delusion right at this moment is that Steven would come back.'

'Okay, we'll get back to you as soon as we're done here.' The line cut. If you'd carried a boulder on your shoulders, the weight of it might be the same as your conscience. All that was left was you see a family reunited and you get the closure you've been searching for.

------------------------------

The team was back, so was the little boy, he was safe. The Turner family could now go home with their son safe and sound in their grasp.

'Nothing beats seeing that.' you stood, satisfied in a way, the others agreed in unison to your words.

'Cyrus, I need to have a word with you.' Emily called you to a secluded corner of the station, but you had no fear built in you, in fact you felt rather empty, exhausted enough to be emotionally drained. 'We found Steven...' she said quietly.

'Where was he?' you met her in the eyes, having nothing left to tie you down. 'Remains were found in the wall of a small bedroom, it looked like he was initially buried but moved there later.' Every word had struck you, the smaller bedroom was your shared one, no doubt. 'Was he, uh, covered?' a crack sounded in your voice.

It took Emily a moment before answering, 'He was...' 

The last bit of remorse. You'd promised yourself for 20 years that he was found. Part of you wanted him to be alive, maybe he ran off and just found a better life or he was on the streets, alive at least. But you knew how far-fetched that sounded, hope was the one thing you were aware that could end you. '...Thank you, can I, um, I want to be alone.'

'Of course, take all the time you need, listen, once this is over I need to speak with you, but only when you're ready, okay?' She patted the side of your shoulders, adhering to your request, she left you alone.

You let out a wavered breath, trying to breathe in and out to calm yourself. What you needed now was to mourn, you knew that but having a hard cry at this moment would slow down everyone.

Not long after, Rosa and Daniel had gotten arrested. You couldn't catch a glimpse at her face, or more accurately, you refused to see the face you'd forgotten. That didn't bother you that much, as a mother she never cared to look out for you, there wasn't any good reason to remain adherent to the details.

Bakersfield PD would have no more reason to have you stay, for now at least but before you could leave it all behind, Steven deserved a proper burial.

The Funeral was small, no relatives, just few friends from school and the BAU were attending, with Chief Marks as well to pay respects.

You stood over the coffin, looking at how small it was, how it all came to an end, all in silence. Quietly you watched as the coffin was buried, soil tossed over it but before it was over, you had to have one last goodbye.

'I did what I promised, took you long enough to come back from playing, huh? You must be tired, rest well, Stevie.' The Carnation held in your hand had been placed on the coffin, a mark of innocence now put to rest. Once it was all over, you stood, not waiting or expecting anything but just, letting the weight gradually let go of you. This was what you needed yet, it didn't feel enough, something remained in you. 

Footsteps were heard behind you, and you took a peak at the intruder before lifting the corners of your mouth to him. 'He was a handful you know, always wanted my attention no matter what, saying that one day he'd make it to the moon just so he could get me some space rock.' Spencer said nothing to your bouts of reminiscence, 'He told me once, "I'm going to be no.1, so watch me!" I thought he was being silly, Dad left right after and we were alone, it was us against the world.' It all came back, then you knew what you hadn't let go, knew what it was that made you feel utterly at loss. 

'Hey, Spencer, you don't have to do this, but, um, I...' You wanted to ask just for a bit, that little comfort that you so desperately pushed away.

Without another word, he lightly turned to face you. Your mind was too caught up on other memories that when you felt his arms wrap around you, you didn't think for that second. All it took was this to let it all go, no longer in silence but in wailing agony.

He didn't need another word, he simply knew. It was like some crazed superpower of his but it's like he's always known.

He couldn't let go.

Tagging:

@treehouse-mouse

[remcycl333]

Hello rem. I hope you answer my ask because I think nobody else is gonna. My sc has been really well for the past few days and today it kind of broke down. I tried being not that person who always keeps asking what am I doing wrong or what more can I do. But today I'm seeking help too. Today I realised it's been almost 3 months since I went for my classes because I've been trying the void and failing and now I have lost count of days and months. I didn't have anyone as friends there in my college but I did have people I used to hangout with. I was thinking hey I'm revamping everything so it doesn't matter and then I kind of completely ghosted them out and I was actually afraid I would run into one of them someday because we all live in the same city (yes I'm aware my thoughts created that). I literally have been living a double life. And even though I have successfully managed to escape seeing them 5-6 times sneakily, today one of them saw me and came upto me to talk. I was really nervous throughout the whole interaction because that meant I would've had to explain stuff in case they ask. She didn't ask anything except for what I'm doing now. That shook me to my core. Because apparently they all think I left college and is somewhere else now. No-one including my parents and people I live in that is except for my classmates know I've been bunking classes for like 3 months. Idk what to do. I was planning on entering the void again tonight but somehow that interaction stirred something up in me, almost feeling stupid because that college I'm in now where I'm bunking classes, I manifested that. So that's a shame. I don't have anyone to talk this with and its all on me. If I accept this shitty reality then I'll be a manipulator and considered an ungrateful bitch and a shitty person. I know I'm not. I cannot give up because I don't want to give in to this reality because it's gonna suck really hard. Been trying to hold on but oh my god I feel like it's a dead end. What should I do? It's time for us to pay the fee for this semester and if I don't tell my parents about it everything is gonna turn into a big mess. I'm running out of time. I should enter the void asap. Otherwise I don't know how long I'll be able to live this double life for. I don't want to manifest the usual way because I honestly don't know when the 3d is gonna show that up. I know I shouldn't be concerned about time but I cannot not be because thats the environment here. It's like trying to revise someone's death while being at their funeral. Then again I'm thinking is it possible for me to be that delusional? I don't even care I ranted because I just needed to get it off my chest and its been weighing me down heavily. What should I do? Is there anything you can tell me which can get me out of this mental image? I really really really want to enter the void and infact I'm going to tonight. But to think I've been living like this for 3 months is terrible. Please tell me honestly what I should do?

If you read till here, that itself is a big thing. Thank you for hearing me out. Now can you please help me out by telling me what to do?

hi love!! you can deal with your current reality and still continue to manifest your dream life! tell your parents about the fees before you create even more stress for yourself. then work on your self concept!!! affirm your life is perfect and your 3D conforms instantly. if you really really want to enter the void, put in the work!! you can try the 10k affirmations challenge and affirm for your void concept. saturate your mind with the idea that you can get into the void with ease and that your getting in tonight for a fact. i’m hoping that through sending this ask you were able to get a lot off your chest!! but continuing forward you have to stop complaining and acknowledging all of the stuff you don’t want, bc by doing so you’re manifesting more of it in your reality. you can manifest some things in your 3D being better—such as your relationships with your friends—and still work on getting into the void. you don’t have to choose one or the other!! hopefully through affirming and saturating your mind you can bring back some of your hope. and stop taking no as an answer!!! u can get in the void TONIGHT if u put ur foot down. if you really want it i recommend you put in the effort to work on your void concept!!!

[blizzardsuplex]

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

Thanks for the tag, @sublightsleeper <3 Answers under the cut!

1. How many works do you have on ao3? That I claim as Mel? 10. In total? 18.

2. What's your total ao3 word count? 88,469.

3. What fandoms do you write for? Exclusively wrestling that I claim on here, but I've also written for comic fandoms, a single Fire Emblem: Awakening gift fic, and...other things I'd rather not name.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1.) Moon Knight fanfic 2.) be my sunshine and sing (Max^2) 3.) Embarrassing fandom fic 4.) another embarrassing fandom fic 5.) mad that I gave half the day to last night (also Max^2)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I do respond to comments - or try to, at least! Sometimes I just don't know what to say LOL

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Either when your prized possessions start to weigh you down OR i'm no good, I'm here for lust. Pick and choose between "cheating on each other with your respective exes but probably not going to leave with them permanently either" and "fellas, is it an asshole move to leave the guy who just sucked your dick to escape a genius loci?"

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Either mad that... (where Caster successfully gave the other Max his gift) or make those rainbows in my mind (because it was literally written to be non kayfabe compliant fluffy goodness).

8. Do you get hate on fics? Not yet. I hope I never have to.

9. Do you write smut? Very tentatively.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? I've only written one crossover. It's a comic book fandom one crossing Stephanie Brown from the Batfam with a very specific Marvel Z-lister. Never finished it but it was fun while it lasted!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Nah.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Hell yeah I have #PBPRPexperience - I in fact literally just posted one a few days ago with @spaghettisaurusrex (grown on the edge of the ocean)!

14. What's your all-time favorite ship? Hmm. In fandom? IDK if I have an all-timer, TBH. I write a lot of shippy stuff but...

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? There was this MK fanfic I had a great idea for that never got past chapter one. Oops. Wrestling-wise I only have two, but they're definitely both things I'd love to pick up in the future: angels scream, searching for some love and understanding and heat it up (never live it down).

16. What are your writing strengths? I have no idea. Once an RP partner told me my sentences are like puzzles/gifts you have to unwrap with delicacy but not with difficulty, so I guess that! I also enjoy really getting into the POV character/s' heads and psyches so I'd hope that my attention to detail re: the narration feeling like a specific person is good.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Finishing things, or its inverse of trying to push too hard to finish a work and getting burnout. Stringing events together in a way that doesn't feel uneven or abrupt in its transitions is also something I struggle with.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? Usually do italics translations, but if I ever have the chance to slip Tagalog in I would! :)

19. First fandom you wrote for? Warrior Cats, baby!

20. Favorite fic you've written? Can't choose, really. I really like the MK fic, grown/the collaborative fairy tale AU, prized possessions, and the dark horse pick of never been so divine in accepting your defeat.

I tag El, @shes-a-voodoo-child, @limbreaper, @scissormedaddyass, and @pleasantpastels!

[lets-dance-to-joy-division]

Screaming Into The Void Post:

I haven't had the need to do one of these in a while, but fuck, here it is again. How am I supposed to just be okay with everything? Tonight was a fight, the first one I've had in months with her. We've been planning on my return and everything has been as amicable as can be up until tonight. Money came into question, truly the root of all evil.

When we separated we divvied up our savings and bills fairly and separated our incomes as well. She asked me tonight what my plan for money was when I came home, if I'd be able to continue covering my portion of bills and etcetera. The way she asked though was a bit patronizing and I took offence and was quick to anger. I exploded at the audacious idea that after months of just allowing someone else to bed my wife, in my own home, in my own bed, all while I've still been contributing to the household, I'd suddenly become a deadbeat upon my return.

I snapped and lashed out at her, but it wasn't about money really for me. My entire life feels up in arms. The 3rd of October marks one year since I've been home, and it no longer feels like I have a home to return to. Once I leave Arizona I'll need to get a new therapist and start over with them. The friends and support network I've made over the past year are about to scatter to the wind and only the universe knows who will remain close. My marriage feels like it's a lost cause and everyone in my life can't understand why I'm still trying so fucking hard. I'm rapidly approaching a date where I will lose everything familiar, and have nothing familiar to return to.

I don't know who to rely on anymore, and every day I feel more and more isolated. Just a few days ago I hit a breaking point and I hurt myself for the first time in years, the lust of that release still weighs heavily on my mind; it terrifies me. I'd don't want to become the person that she helped save me from again, I just hope that this time I have the strength to be my own savior.

I'm tired and I'm scared, and I just want someone to hold me; someone to let me know I'll make it. I'm sick of having this life filled by pain.

I am not alone. You are not alone.

BL

[sunset-a-story]

A Few Find the Words in One

I've been tagged in a few of these the past couple of days so I'm going to take a page out of @winterandwords book and combine them.

My words @lexiklecksi: crazy, flower, comfort, accusation, deprivation @words-after-midnight: dream, break, poor, light, yearn(ing) @words-after-midnight redux: lend, tooth, early, heavy, intense.

I'm not doing all of these words because that is too much but I did more than half

Crazy

Alex did his best not to give him a you’re-crazy look. “Okay, then. I’m a psychometrist." "Cool." Lee nodded so casually that it took Alex by surprise. This really was just their normal around here. Lee made a face. "You must hate toilets." He laughed, doing his best to keep the volume down. "You have no idea."

Poor

Adler ran his finger down the wall. The concrete falling away from the brick was a brilliant cobalt blue. Floor, ceiling, walls, pillars, everything that hadn’t crumbled away was blue. He’d bought the dilapidated, nearly two-hundred-year-old paint factory years ago, on the cheap, but hadn’t gotten around to tearing it down and replacing it with something useful. It was hard to, the more he thought about it, though it was clearly in the process of tearing itself down. The history of the building spoke to him. No one had painted these walls blue. The rising dust from grinding cobalt day after day and year after year had tinted everything it touched, including the poor work animals that powered the mill. Beauty as a side effect of function.

Tooth

Reeve’s brow furrowed, “Yeah, I’ll want to go in so I can facilitate something quieter that’s less likely to raise suspicion.” Gareth snorted. Reeve glared at him. “What.” Gareth shook his head and pursed his lips. “Nothing, I’ve just never heard scrambling someone’s brains referred to in such fancy language.” “You get how stupid it is to be sarcastic at a telepath about telepathy right?” “I thought you weren’t supposed to be reading my thoughts.” She rolled her eyes at Gareth. “Dude, we all know what you’re thinking. Three-toothed Dan who runs the gas station knows what you’re thinking.”

Dream

They made their way through the squares at the center of the city and headed on to the Eastern outskirts. The gleaming resorts and church spires slowly gave way to narrow gravel roads and graffiti. Tangles of power lines crisscrossed above them like dreamcatchers. The brightly painted houses were clustered together and on top of each other like a child’s building blocks. There were stone walls on every street in various stages of collapsing into rubble and bars on every window.

Accusation

Austin laughed, head thrown back. “How the mighty have fallen, huh?” He sniffed. “Aw, fuck.” Rushing back to the stove, Austin moved the smoking pan off the heat and stared at it. “Banana pancakes,” he said neutrally somewhere between an explanation and an accusation.

Break

[Through his telepathy] Reeve could feel Gareth’s mind racing with a violent sense of restraint that felt like pulling a plane out of the sky with twine. He wanted to cut his knuckles on Reeve’s eye sockets. Just start breaking bones until there was an expression on his face. “Out,” Gareth said aloud, breathing quickly. He tightened his grip. Tangled up in Gareth’s sensations Reeve could feel his own collarbone creak under a hand that wasn’t his.

Heavy

Temple cleared her throat and said, “Air resistance is the only thing preventing water molecules from falling through space at such high speeds that they’d kill everything in their wake. Just air. You can’t see it unless particles are suspended in it. Smoke is just a poof of dust that makes the invisible visible. And even once you see it, what you can’t see is just how heavy it is. Air weighs enough to scare the living daylights out of you. Resistance and invisible, imperceptible, impossibly heavy weight. That’s it. That’s the thing--the most important thing--that keeps us as organisms alive.” She looked around the bar. “Where the fuck is the waiter?”

I'm leaving this an open tag so if you're in the mood, look for these words in your WIP: echo, forgot, tea, coast, hush

[ranseiuniter]

"I'm sorry to put so much on you, Shiori. You must be tired."

"Please, my lady--it's my duty to serve you, after all."

The handmaiden brushes off Hiroko's concern, but she can't help but doubt. It's hard not to feel that everyone in Aurora has been spread thin these past few days as they deal with the aftermath of Ignis. As badly injured as Taiki was, all of their army's healers had been working to ensure he'd come out the other side of this... well, none worse for wear was likely out of the question, but with his quality of life intact, at the least.

On top of that, there was the now constant need for vigilance. Conquering Ignis predictably came with its own slew of problems. As it turned out, the kingdom was... unstable. Right now, all she'd really done is create a power vacuum in the midst of an already desperate situation. If that bastard Hideyoshi's first thought wasn't a hostile takeover of Aurora and instead a revision of their alliance, this could have been solved without such hassle!

But as it stood, Hiroko was now faced with both the issue of Ignis' dwindling food supplies and a technical power vacuum. There was, of course, a certain risk in staying here; word had surely spread by now of her victory, and how she'd obtained it. Doubless, she was far from the most popular figure in Ignis right now. Rather than getting to go home after their success, all her men were still on high alert, ensuring the castle, at least, remained safe while Hiroko finished her work here. Until she could build a resolution that would solve Ignis' food problem without exhausting Aurora's already limited resources, nobody, it seemed, was going anywhere.

...And then there was the matter of that dream. It was what weighed heaviest on her mind tonight. She hasn't dared to bring it up to anyone yet--Katsurou would believe her, surely, but she wasn't sure if he would truly understand. Shiori, however - she was a priestess. Surely, if anyone could help Hiroko parse such a dream, it was her. So Hiroko had pushed her lingering thoughts away until the evening, when Shiori was relieved of her obligations as a healer.

She can't help but feel that she's overburdening her poor retainer, watching Shiori prepare their sleeping arrangements for the night. But without anyone else she can entrust this to just yet...

"Shiori, I wanted to ask your opinion on something, if you don't mind."

"If it's about that Oichi girl, my lady, I've made it quite clear that I think she's awfully suspicious--"

"No, no," Hiroko can't help but giggle. Shiori's feelings on the matter did come from a place of caution, but she couldn't help but suspect there was a bit of jealousy in them as well. "I know. I'm sure she'd be happy to wash her hands of all this, too. But until everything is settled here, it's not a good idea for her to leave. Besides, I do owe her for her help."

Shiori makes a sour face (very unbefitting of her soft features, which Hiroko has to stifle another giggle at). "I suppose, but we still don't know her intentions. But... I digress. What is it you wanted to ask?"

"I..." Hiroko has to swallow the lump in her throat that she didn't realize was there. "I had a dream, a few nights ago. A... a vision."

Shiori abandons her task, turning to her warlord to offer her full, undivided attention. She understood at once why her lady would seek her council on such a matter--she was a psychic, after all. No doubt, she could feel Hiroko's trepidation.

"I believe--no, I'm certain... I was visited by Arceus. They spoke to me, the night after we won. Though I... I'm afraid that I may have made a mistake."

Hiroko expected shock, or perhaps disbelief. What she sees on Shiori's face is instead a sober look, almost as if she had... expected this? No, that couldn't be right. Still, she says nothing, so Hiroko takes it as a cue to elaborate.

"In the moment, everything made sense to me, but looking back on it... I've been trying to remember, exactly. I know what I felt, but - I can't shake the sense that I knew something then that I don't know now." She shakes her head. A vague sense of something just out of reach, lingering in the pit of her stomach...

"I feel like this isn't the first time it's happened. I can't remember, but... there's some part of me that knows I've met them before. They told me to come home, and - I don't know how, but I knew that they meant to return to them."

Hiroko is so lost in her own head that she doesn't realize Shiori has cleared the distance between them until she takes her hands. Though abrupt, it's... reassuring. "Please continue, my lady. Did they tell you anything else?"

"Right..." Arceus' words remain clear in her mind; they've been ever-present since the dream, lingering somewhere in her thoughts at all times. But she can't help but hesitate, as if she's still trying to truly comprehend them. "They told me to come home. That - that I didn't have to stay. That I didn't have to hurt. They said that the path ahead of me was... that it was only going to continue causing me pain, and that they wouldn't be able to help me on it. I... I think I understood what they meant at the time, but... I don't remember, exactly. But I feel like...

"I think I remembered things in that dream. I think--I came here with some kind of purpose... I don't remember now, but I know I did. I returned to Ransei for a reason--" ...Returned? Hiroko stops, realizing the words that left her mouth don't seem to make any sense. She was born in Ransei. She had lived her whole life here. Where would she be returning from? Surely, that didn't mean--

"Lady Hiroko, if I may?"

And again, she's snapped out of her spiraling thoughts with a reassuring squeeze of her hands. The look in Shiori's eyes is warm—proud, even.

"In Illusio, when we met, I insisted on becoming your retainer. I could sense something in you, Lady Hiroko. I didn't know what, but I knew you held something special. Now I know why. You are divine, my lady. The Original One has spoken to you, the first in centuries. This—you—could be what finally brings about the end of this horrid war."

"That—" That can't be true. She knows it's wrong, even as she says it. The proof lies in the dream she had. "They seemed to believe I was making a mistake, though. That—involving myself in it further would only make matters worse for me."

Shiori closes her eyes, pondering the apparent conundrum in her theory. "It's true that it will be a long and difficult path. I believe... perhaps the Original One speaks out of concern. Your loved ones would say much of the same, would they not? I worry for the burdens you would carry if you were to undertake such a quest. But it is not my place to try to stop you. Indeed, if your soul came to Ransei from where the Creator waits with a goal, I cannot think of any other worthy one."

It makes sense. It truly does. Every word fits cleanly into the empty spaces that had been left by her own mind. But the mere thought of it all—undertaking the task of unifying Ransei, of endangering her men further for what most believed was an impossible task... It makes Hiroko's head spin.

"Thank you, Shiori. It would seem I have a lot to consider."

[lemonflowercat]

Dora Milaje

currently fighting off the urge to doomscroll - which is basically a metaphoric way to escape my reality which is too much sadness for me to bear atm. failure is hitting hard, PMS misery is hitting hard. I hate that I can't stick to goals I set up for myself, I hate how I can't seem to get myself to work on things that are actually in my best interest. and things that I actually enjoy doing but somehow I can't seem to? I know how all of these things make me happy, and yet I'm always self sabotaging and it's just...so much disappointment. me, disappointing myself, week after week, getting stuck in vicious cycles I can't seem to break, constantly battling self loathing and the impending doom of failure. I just <throws hands up in the air> I can't even just sit here and scream save me - because that's victim mentality, and I'm the only one who can help myself but ok buddy but what if I can't???

-----

back after finishing The Wildlings - 'twas a decent read, a little childish. i'll give it points for creativity - it was fun to pretend like i'm inside the minds of animals, and the overall premise was simple and engaging. the characters were very lovable but also slightly trope-y: powerful young protegee with no control over her powers, all-knowing heroine who dies in battle, curious mischief-maker, motherly warrior. it was a good light read overall.

after i was done with the book friends kept me company - it turned into a surprisingly social day - and although i wasn't exactly in the mood for it, and didn't go looking for it, in the end i'm glad it happened because it kept me from losing my mind.

new day, renewed determination, and possibly new perspective?

[] morning walk/run or yoga x6/w

[] evening wxo x6/w

i have to admit, my life is kinda too busy at the moment to really fit both of these in comfortably. if i'm really being honest with myself, i've taken on two physical activities because i feel like i need to justify eating 1400 cal vs the 1200 diet i was on before. the rational part of me is aware that, most sources say that 1200 is too little to maintain sustainably and it's too restrictive to contribute to building a healthy food relationship. but the irrational side of me is so focused on "lose fat asap" that it's often fear that's driving my choice to double wxo more than anything else.

apart from that, it actually really does feel good to clock in these two sessions. i love the post-walk/yoga clarity in the morning. the few hours i have studied in the past couple of days have been in this time. and my evening workouts are strength based - which i also love doing.

the logical thing to do does seem like skipping on one of these to free up more study hours, but i - and this is the part of me that just enjoys these talking - don't want to miss out on either. so, these stay. but remember my 80% = success rule? it's the fear of gaining weight part of me that makes missing out on these wxos weigh heavy on me, even if i've achieved that 80%. that's the part of me causing me all the misery the next day - and i want to hug it and say, bruh 80% is 80% ok? we don't do special priority goals in this game. --- i should name this part of me. the fat-phobic-part, she's the one who's borne the brunt of fat girl insults, cursing her body for not looking like society tells it to, binged till her stomach could burst and then stuck her fingers down her throat to purge her "sins". she's also the one who's stood up against fat shamers, whether the subject was me or a friend. she's been through so much hurt and self-hate and neglect, and she's just doing her best to protect me from having to deal with this all over again. i'd like to hug her and name her my Dora Milaje - not because i'm a Black Panther fan, but because the name is pretty and the idea of a fearsome female protector is v cool.

[] [] [] 1 raw veggie or a fruit per meal

this truly makes me happy, and i love how it's expanding my palate. i've actually begun to look through the salad section of restaurant menu more often now - but it's a whole other story that most of our usual hangouts don't do salads. i also actively look for more produce i can eat raw. i love this goal!

the "per meal" bit is kinda restrictive though, because i can't always fish out something for every meal. I do snack on a lot of fruit, so i'm just going to make it a point to do this for 3 random meals.

[] meditate x at least 15min every day

as much as i enjoy meditating, i haven't been doing this consistently enough mostly because i don't really know when exactly in my day to fit this in? my mornings seem rushed enough with the new morning wxo, making breakfast and being in a rush to start studying. my evenings are unpredictable. afternoons are dozy - but that does seem like my best option. ig i have to decide on a fixed time for this, so...post lunch nap is what i'll go with. it might even help with the afternoon slump that makes studying so abhorrent.

[] breathwork x9min every day ok so this is not really a me thing, is what i've realised. i'm switching this one out for brushing every night because, sadly, i've fallen out of the habit of doing so.

[] 30min of reading or any form of self-expression/day it breaks my heart to score this off, but then i tell myself i'm just being a drama queen because, if i really want to, i can carve out time for this at some point. it's getting kicked off the list because i have to prioritise right at this point, and i think it would be way more beneficial for me to add a study related goal.

since i prefer not-so-rigid structures, i've been thinking - what if make my goal "study 42 hours/w"? so it's up to me how any hours i net in a day, and if i finish these 42 hours with a day to spare in a week, well, that's a well earned break! i don't know how well this will pan out because my current study-avoidance runs deeper than just lack of motivation, and yeah - let's get into that in another post.

also, the afternoon slump is seriously affecting my productivity. i just have to make peace with it, and open up more hours for myself in the evening to get work done. i'm going to push my evening wxo time to 7 pm. that's right i've said it, Dora Milaje. she's the one who pushes me to get on the mat by 4 pm because she's scared i'll miss my workout if unexpected social plans come up in the evening (the "unexpected" is so often now, that they might as well be expected).

[] progress picture/day

i want to redefine what i mean by "progress picture" - until now, it was that typical mirror selfie of my body i was going with. but i've been thinking - is that really the progress i'm tracking? photographing my body in the hopes that i'll get to watch it transition into a societally deemed "pretty" is not the progress i'm looking for. it's about all the things on my vision board - which are an encapsulation of things that make me happy, things that push me to grow and teach me, and make my life feel like a fulfilled one. so anything i photograph (like the ones i've been sharing here so far), count as progress pictures to me.

[] 2.5L of water/day

easy enough again.

[] 1400cal x6/week well this is a tricky one.

my main challenge here is how often we eat out. it's this habit we've fallen into, honestly - come evening and there's always one of us who wants to eat out. or a friend to hang out with. or an incredibly busy, tiring day that makes cooking seem impossible. i kid you not, since 2024 has started, we've eaten dinner at home a grand total of 5 times so far.

there's also - why can't i eat out and still be in my calorie budget? - and i think this comes down to feni and dessert, because our usual haunts serve pretty homely food, save one.

it does seem like i have to make some pretty conscious choices here - to skip on the feni and desserts at least. and of course, eat home cooked dinners more often. this is honestly the hardest chain to break only for the first 3 days - once i get through day 3, it does become much easier.

with my daily TDEE being in the 1800-1900 range, 1400 is a decent intake. it keeps me energetic enough and a satisfied full.

[] no media consumption (one movie/d allowed)

this is gold. 4 days into PMS and the possibilities of satisfying ways to spend my time seem endless once i've deleted options that involve gluing myself to a screen. my brain hasn't felt like a sewer in the past 4 days!

so, 75 soft revamped - we start again tomorrow. a Monday. maybe third time's the charm?

[] morning walk/run or yoga x6/w

[] meditate x at least 15min every afternoon

[] study 42h/w

[] evening wxo x6/w

[] [] [] 1 raw veggie or a fruit x3 meals

[] 1400cal x6/week

[] progress picture/day x6/w

[] 2.5L of water/day

[] brush before bed

[] no media consumption (one movie/d allowed) - for freezes and PMS days

[takeeachdayonebookatatime]

Why did you elbow me? 154

Achilles Castle part 56

Kate: pov the boys dropped me off at home afterwards, Castle is still up in his room writing he asks if I had a good time, I mention Greg was kinda being an ass but other than that it was okay. A waiter dropped a stack of plates and I flinched. I'm so tired, after helping Castle into bed I climb in and get comfortable. The boys ended up giving Greg the black licorice.

Kate: pov Oh crap i forgot i have a pulmonary check up with my lung Dr tomorrow. In the morning I shower and get dressed. I'm wearing a Gray t-shirt and black pants. I take my pills and grab some pre-made oatmeal from the fridge and quickly eat it. My appointment isn't until my lunch break, Castle Is still sleeping.

Ryan: pov I quietly get out of bed and get ready for work Jenny is very hormonal and wants to shower with me, I agree since it's early. While she gets herself and Sarah Grace ready for the day I quickly make a breakfast burrito type thing which tastes amazing.

Esposito: pov Lanie's phone is ringing. She has a dead body, we quickly shower together and get dressed before we leave. The both of us have a bagel and orange juice. Last night was amazing. I had no idea Lanie could do that stuff with her hands.

Kate: pov Lanie got a dead body this morning possible suicide, the boys are helping her by looking into the guys life since the family wants answers. I'm doing paperwork and making phone calls. On the way to my appointment I pick, up a smoothie. As I'm singing in at the Dr's office the receptionist mentions that my Dr is out sick and I have a fill in Dr. In the waiting room, which is packed, a little boy comes up to me and asks if I have asthma too. Actually, I don't. Something bad happened to me and my lung collapsed which means it wasn't working right so i'm here for a check up. The kid goes back to what he is watching on his device and the mother says sorry about that, It's okay.

Tracy: pov if you don't mind me asking how did your lung collapse, Kate says I was shot in the heart/chest at my Captain's funeral bullet nicked my inferior pulmonary vein and ventricle. I went into cardiac arrest 2 twice; I had a Tension pneumothorax on my left side requiring a chest tube to be inserted. She mentions they did an emergency thoracotomy on her, to gain access to the area. The trauma resulted in her going into vfib causing her to go into cardiac arrest during emergency surgery on her heart. They had to use the internal paddles and manual heart massages. Oh my, was there any lasting effects from your shooting. I know you probably have physical and emotional scars.

Kate: pov yes I have a heart condition and PTSD. Tracy tells me how her son was born with asthma. A few minutes later her name and mine is being called by 2 nurses. The nurse named Erin has me stand on the scale to be weighed, she then takes me to an exam room and checks my vitals and asks me how I've been feeling.

Erin: pov so Kate have you had an shortness of breath or trouble breathing while doing normal things or running, no okay that is great the Dr should be in shortly to check you over. You're also getting some tests done today.

Kate: pov a few minutes a young looking Dr walks in the room and introduces himself as Dr Fenton. He opens my folder so we can go over a few things. He says I understand from your medical records that you had some chest trauma in the past causing you to develop a heart condition, during your trauma you had a collapsed lung. Yes I was shot at my Captain's funeral. The bullet nicked my left inferior pulmonary vein causing Tension pneumothorax on the left side of my chest requiring a chest tube to be inserted. The Bullet also grazed my left ventricle causing me to bleed into my heart causing a cardiac tampon. They had to do an emergency thoracotomy on me, to gain access to the area and save my life. The trauma resulted in me going into ventricular fibrillation causing me to then go into cardiac arrest again during my emergency heart surgery. They had to use the internal paddles and manual heart massages to bring me back.

Dr Fenton: pov Kate i’m going to listen to your heart and lungs. Everything sounds good with your lungs, are you having any shortness of breath or other symptoms. No only when you have a heart episode or a PTSD episode. Okay that is fine, actually normal, we have to be careful because shortness of breath could be a severe side effect of your heart condition. Okay I'm going to need you to breathe into this so I can check your lung function. Everything seems okay with your lungs, how are you sleeping at night, not the best. Okay any trouble breathing at night, no. Okay that's good to hear, I want you to get a sleep study just to be on the safe side. Your weight is on the low side but not a big concern, since you have a lot of dietary restrictions. You're scheduled for an ultrasound of your left lung /pulmonary vein today.

Nurse Erin: pov if you come this way Kate I can take you to the room the technician is doing the ultrasound in. Shirt and bra come off, I can give you a gown to cover up with.

Kate: pov The technician is a guy named Lance. He is new here, the cold gel is squirted on my chest by Erin the nurse. Lance moves the wand over my lung and pulmonary vein. I have scar tissue from my shooting and my surgery. Next is the treadmill. I have to run on the treadmill for a few minutes while being monitored.

Nurse Erin: pov so far everything looks good with your lungs, Dr Fenton is looking over your ultrasound right now you should have the results in a few minutes.

Dr Fenton: pov back in the exam room I tell Kate her lungs look good, she has some scar tissue on her pulmonary vein which may need to be removed down the line. Do you need a refill on your inhaler? no, you're good. Okay see you in a few months. To be continued. …….

[dzpenumbra]

7/9/23

Today wasn't so bad. I'm glad to say that, I've been pretty depressed the past few days.

My Amazon order got here 3 days early, I'm pretty damn shocked. Free shipping, delivered 3 days early and on a weekend. I'm not too proud of supporting Amazon, to be honest. But I really did put in an effort to find most of these things locally, any place that can actually deliver. It's okay every once and a while, I guess.

I got a pair of sifters specifically designed for baking... to use for my sand. And holy shit was that a good idea. It worked phenomenally. I sieved all the sand I had on hand, both the batch that was already in my big Zen Garden saucer, and the extra that I was attempting to water separate. Sieving is way faster and worked much better. With water separation, all the sediment that was separated ended up condensing on evaporation, creating essentially very thin concretions or "sandstone". And I had to sorta... brush it vigorously so it returned to dust, but not so hard that it cracked. It was a balancing act but I got most of it, some ended up as kinda... chips of sandstone. I could grind them down, but I just didn't have the patience for that today. Instead, I just sifted all the gravel I had on hand and ended up with a very fine sand that looks and feels much nicer. And I have a big pile of tiny gravel to use in other pieces as well.

My idea off-hand is... to do different displays with different grits as a base, it adds a very different aesthetic. And the largest ones I have reserved to be separated by color and used as accents.

I really enjoyed that, it's really relieving and gratifying to see this idea continue to evolve.

I also got a small table, which I put over by my window where the birdfeeder is. It's a cheap table, I got it with the thought in mind that it appeared to be real wood... but I'm guessing pretty much everything under $50-100 for even tiny side tables is going to be particle board nowadays. But hey, it doesn't look bad and it was very affordable, and it does the job well. It's a two tiered table and I put my Zen Garden on the top tier and my moss garden on the bottom. I'm pretty sure the moss prefers the shade, it seems like it does, so I figured it wouldn't mind. It's nice. It makes that part of the room like like an actual home, not just a bunch of things thrown together haphazardly. Though I do have a bunch of potting supplies in the corner right there... even though they match the theme, I'm sure they could go in the closet.

The last thing in the order was... an electronic scale. I haven't owned one in a long time, since I was underweight. Now, I'm overweight for the first time in my life. And it's still weird. It makes sense, honestly. Quitting smoking, grief, a sedentary lifestyle, it makes sense. At my doctor's visit, I was 183 lbs, the most I've ever officially weighed. Today, I weighed in at 179. After a month of working out every day, only skipping two days. I just re-weighed myself to make sure and yep, it was 180. I can physically feel and visibly see myself burning fat. And I can clearly feel myself gaining strength. So... I'm guessing I'm sorta floating in the limbo of losing fat and gaining muscle weight. I'm okay with this, I'm really in no rush. I'm just not really sure what more I can do short of starve myself.

I guess I can cut portion sizes down. I don't know. I'm just not really sure what to do, and I don't want to fuck with my sleep, that's the big one. The way I'm set up now is... working out at the beginning of my day, then eating after that, so my exercise can burn reserve fat as energy. But... I may have to shift that in a bit. Does that fully make sense? I'm processing here... so... First meal, I eat, then I shower, then I spend the next few hours doing stuff around the house... but I'm not incredibly active. Then I have my big dinner meal around... 10-12. Then I don't eat until first meal the next day. But I'm not burning off the food I eat that day at all, because I'm exercising first thing. Hmm... I'm on the fence about whether that's a good thing or not. As long as I'm not giving my body more fuel than it needs, it shouldn't be converting it into fat. And the fuel that is burned after... let's see... 11pm to around 5pm... 18 hours of not eating? That has to be body fat. I don't know what else my body would be using for fuel at that point. So, the catch is... I can't do late night snacks, which I have been doing. And... this one is the big one... I really don't want to deal with waking up halfway through a sleep cycle starving again. That shit sucks, and healthy sleep is so important for me.

So... I'm tempted to move my exercise to a different time slot? But... when? First thing makes the most sense logistically, apartment-living-wise. Exercising at 1am when I live on the second floor just feels like a dick move. Another option? I could exercise... twice. I have to be cautious about overdoing it... but I could go to the gym in the building and just ride a stationary bike or something. I used to do that in college. I don't really like doing simulations of real-world activities, I'd much rather do the real thing. But... no way I'm going for a bike ride at 1am in a city, sorry.

Yeah, I don't know. Kinda bittersweet news with the scale. I was really expecting to see a larger amount of weight lost. I tweaked my diet, I've been doing yoga every day, I've been working out every day, I've been feeling stronger, I've been slimming down. I don't know, kinda feels like treading water.

I'm sure a big part of it is I just spend all day sitting the fuck around. Because I'm awake all night every night. I don't know what to do about this.

I swear, this nocturnal thing... it's probably the biggest factor in my life being as fucked up as it is. Is the core of it... that I'm scared of the dark? Is it that I'm scared of waking up in the dark if my sleep is interrupted? That I don't feel safe alone in the dark? Is it that I like the stillness and quiet of night so much that I want as much of it as I can get? Is it that I love how the night allows my mind to wander in creative ways, with minimal distractions that daily life brings? A little of all of them, maybe? I genuinely don't know. It just keeps happening. I used to go to bed at 2AM. Then it just... slips. 3... 4... 4:30... then I have a bad night and wake up at dawn and suddenly it's 6 or 7... then I have a bad night and suddenly it's 8 or 9... And when it gets that far gone... when you adapt to going to bed at 8am? Going to bed at 2 seems fucking impossible. To put it in comparison... if you get used to going to bed at midnight? This adaptation would be the equivalent of adjusting to going to bed at 6. It's a fucking leap.

Maybe I can do it. Maybe it's just a mind game. Maybe I'm put off by it because it's unfamiliar. Because it's been a long time. Maybe because I don't really technically have... a reason to... Besides just... going for walks? Or I guess renting the car and going for a trip, that could be nice. I could rent the car and take a day trip to go hiking somewhere nearby, or finally find a stone beach and spend the day combing the beach for cool stones. I'd love that. Day is definitely... safer for going out into the world.

Oh shit, is that it? Maybe I've been looking at it backwards. Maybe it's not that night is innately unsafe, it's just that day is safer. Because at night, I'm awake to kinda... look after everyone else. I am distinctly remembering when I was living at my old house and my landlords were living on the property and there were... house robberies in the neighborhood. And they emailed me and let me know that they really appreciated that I was awake all night, because who the fuck is going to rob a house right next to one where all the lights are on with two cars in the driveway. You'd have to be nuts. They said having me there made them feel much more safe. I appreciated that. And, on the flip side... during the day? Everyone else is awake, they're all milling about and living their lives. And I rest.

I don't know, I feel compelled to make changes. I feel like this life is not... working. I feel kinda like I'm just stuck in a never-ending loop. And it's been really depressing me. I saw pictures on Instagram the other day of the guy who I roomed with at the retreat I went to. He was a nice guy, he was the only other resident over the age of 22, and he was 40. He was an artist too, we would go out into the woods and make trails and stuff, it was fun. We weren't too close, but yeah, it was nice to have another person to commiserate with, so I didn't feel so alien... and when he left it definitely made me feel very out of place. He loved my dog, I think it helped him a bit with whatever he was dealing with that he never talked about. But on Instagram, there are tons of pictures of him and his dog that he'd always talk about. And he's out in nature, and in such beautiful spots, so different from around here, so... alien... Northern Pacific... Rocky Mountains... such different climates, different biomes. And I am well aware that social media doesn't tell the whole story... but... I just... I feel like I'm kinda trapping myself. Like I kinda built my own cell and now I live in it every day. And I'm choosing this.

I mean... I could just buy an RV with the cash I got from selling my "broken" fucking car... and then just live out of that. I have no idea where I would park the damn thing. And if I don't feel safe sleeping at night in a double-keyfob-locked apartment building... good lord, imagine sleeping alone in a fucking parking lot in an area you don't know. I've slept alone in the woods before and that was difficult enough, sleeping in a human-trafficked area at night? That shit spooks me. I can handle nature. It scares me, don't get me wrong, but I prefer my odds with nature. People scare the fuck out of me. 100%.

So yeah, clearly a bit scattered. Clearly craving change, but scared to take the leap on it. Not really sure what to do to make those changes, but really feeling a strong resonance of dissatisfaction with where things are currently.

The big thing that rippled out from seeing the pictures from my former roommate? That was four years ago. Four fucking years ago. A person could have gone to college when I first met him, and have a full four-year degree by now. My dog who he loved has been dead over a year, and he probably doesn't know. I feel like I've been stuck in a time vortex. And I've been really begging all kinds of people to just... throw me a rope and help me reintegrate into society. Begging. And... yeah, I gave up on begging.

So... I'm realizing (because I have been told countless times) that no one will assist me in getting back out into the world, I need to do it myself. But I also need to do it slowly, or else I will shock my system and risk regressing further into isolation. It's called "flooding". So... because I don't have support, it's going to take me much, much, much longer to get back my comfort in social situations.

It brings me back to high school. I was way too young to process it at the time, I was fucking 13... but I went from a graduating middle school class of 2 students... to an incoming freshman class of 250. I knew no one. And... I made friends. I don't... remember any of that. But seriously. I moved at 11 halfway across the country with my family and met all new people. Then got dumped into a high school where I didn't know anyone. Then just followed my friends to college, they all stopped hanging out with me, I started getting panic attacks, became agoraphobic and flunked out. I'm telling all this to kinda push the point... haven't I done this enough times? Like how many fucking social debuffs do I need to stack before someone takes pity on me and throws me a rope? Can I just have like... an introduction? A wingman? Like "hey, this is _____, he's an artist too."

Oh god. I'm... I'm stuck in the past again. -_- That was a sad moment, I haven't had one of those in a while. I feel like a widower who just woke up and called downstairs for their dead wife. -_- No, no one can go places with me. Because they're all gone. They've been gone for a long time, too. And I'm better off for it, honestly. And what I need to do? I need to really pat myself on the back right now for being productive today, and for making my house more of a home, and for focusing on self-care. Rome wasn't built in a day. But if I get to bed right about now? I can get to the farmer's market tomorrow. It's only a block away. I can just go and walk around and look at shit, maybe allow myself to loosen the fucking purse strings a bit buy a coffee at a local coffee shop or something. <GASP> Because how the fuck am I going to meet people... when my morning routine doesn't end until 8pm... and I go to sleep at 6-8am... ya know?

So... maybe I'll shuffle my workout a bit later into the day tomorrow, see how that goes. Yoga to start the day has been wonderful though.

Okay, I need to end this on a better note, so... here's some good news I've been saving. First, I looked for DnD groups today, for quite a while too. I don't really know how I'm going to find the "right group"... likely trial and error, to be honest. I'm just going to have to pick one at some point, and that's fine, I'll get to that.

And the big good news of the day... the best of the best. I finished the necklace. The one with the beads that look like apples. I decided to put them on black hemp, it's bold but I like it. I made it work pretty easily, what I did was... just double the hemp. So two doubled-over strands now, not just one. The double thickness made the knots big enough so the beads don't slide. The wax got the knots nice and tight. And because it was coming up short, I put a clasp on one end and a ring on the other, so it doesn't have to fit over someone's head. I think it looks pretty fancy, honestly. The knotted beaded necklaces always look fancier for some reason. It's more work, obviously, but I don't mind that, and it actually saves materials... so maybe I should make knotted ones my focus? Idk. But yeah, I'm really happy with how it came out. I almost botched the ring (made from a reclaimed paperclip), but I salvaged it and it actually looks great.

So yeah, all-in-all the day was nice and I accomplished a lot. Despite what my depression and traumas are saying tonight. I'm happy with it. I'm excited to start a new batch of beads tomorrow. I just... haven't been streaming because the box fan is really loud. So... once I get the ceiling fan fixed I'm back on for streaming.

Alright, bed time before it gets later, sun's coming up.

[valeriacastaneda]

This is one of my most favorite articles that I've written. It got taken down by the website it was published on. But here it is, published by me.

Falling In Love With A Coke Dealer

By Valeria Castaneda

I was visiting my friend Zach one day. The house was empty, whoever had been living there had moved out and Zach was squatting in one of the bedrooms while he repaired some things around the house. I was walking through the house when the door suddenly swung open and a mail courier walked through the door and dumped ten pounds of marijuana on the floor. I stood there, surprised at the absurdity of what I was witnessing. I had never seen this man before and he walked into the house confident in what he was doing. The moment where we initially looked at each other is seared into my mind. He looked at me strangely and I’m sure I looked back with a quizzical look. This man turned out to be Zach’s younger brother, Ben. We introduced ourselves and I thought nothing more of the interaction.

Eventually, my friend invited me to go to his brother's house so I tagged along. I felt a bit anxious as I normally do whenever meeting new people and going to new places. I had no idea what I was about to walk into. Zach had talked about his brother a few times but I was never too interested in knowing more. Prior to meeting Ben, my friend mentioned that he had gone to prison for selling drugs and that he was falling back into that lifestyle. I either said something to try to empathize with my friend or I called his brother a dumbass, I can’t remember which it was.

I followed Zach as he led me into the backyard and into the garage of Ben’s house. My hands were sweating and I was unsure of myself but none of this was new. I’m constantly aware of the anxiety that follows me. I really didn’t expect to see what I saw when I walked into that house. There were two men in the garage and I introduced myself to them. Ben led us to his room upstairs to show us something that immediately reminded me of danger I had faced in the past. The bed was covered in guns. I was pretty comfortable around guns but it quickly became clear that these were the kind of guns that weren’t traceable. Or even remotely legal. All I saw were felony charges spread out in front of me. I could feel the danger just by being in that room but this situation wasn’t completely bizarre to me.

I never could figure out why but when Ben spoke, I wanted to listen. He could captivate me with the way he could command the attention of the room. He was exceptionally funny and was the only person I had met in a long time that caught my taunting giggles and sly smack talking. I immediately felt fond of him and wanted to be his friend but I didn’t want to be a weirdo. I also made note that he was living with another woman when I had visited and I respected that. I tried to get to know her, I even bought one of her paintings but she remained standoffish.

We quickly started to date each other. He made me feel excited and energetic, or maybe that was the cocaine. One day, I asked Ben to sell me some weed he had in a giant glass jar and we exchanged phone numbers so I could Zelle him some cash. He gave me a generous amount of weed without weighing it. When I got home we started texting each other. I don’t know what insanity possessed me to go anywhere with this strange man but the next day we went camping and ate shrooms. I had never been camping before but I was open-minded. I was initially wary of this man but part of me trusted him because Zach had never said anything negative about his character and I knew my friend was an amazing person. Part of me knew I was crazy for even thinking about getting into the same car with a felon I didn’t know but I remained compelled. I had my little Kershaw knife clipped to the side of my pocket because I didn’t trust him. He brought along his huge dog who kept trying to push me off my seat.

The ride to the camping spot felt a bit awkward. I didn’t quite know what to say but I chattered away anyway. I didn’t trust this man's intentions and I had no reason to, I didn’t know him. In my experience with men they tend to be creepy so I was concerned he would try to do something to me. I touched the safely secured knife in my pocket and reminded myself of reality again, I trusted that Zach would never let me meet someone who could hurt me. I rolled a blunt and got it all over myself and Ben’s car but he didn’t seem to mind. If he did, he was very nice about it. He had an easy going attitude but we kept looking at each other strangely. I tried to play it cool and pretend that I couldn’t see him watching me periodically from the corner of my eye. But I stayed aware of how often he would look over at me.

Being with Ben felt like a whirlwind of emotion and excitement. I’d been spoiled all my life but never to this extent. I didn’t expect or ask for anything from him but he was filled with pleasant surprises. Material things are nice but they aren’t everything. What really got me to fall in love with this man was how genuine he felt and the purity of his soul. But who doesn’t want to feel valued and spoiled? Maybe I was falling easily into his trap but at the same time, I didn’t care. In my heart, I believed he wouldn’t let anything happen to me. One week he ordered me a beautiful bouquet of roses from Ecuador, another week it was geometrical canvases painted by a talented artist, and one day he took me to pick up my puppy. He paid for my standard

poodle in cash and I brought him home. I contemplated that maybe my parents had fucked up raising me because all these grand gestures really caught my attention.

This man was covered in more red flags than I could count but as the meme goes, it looked like a carnival to me. He still lived with his ex-girlfriend and her kids, he was a felon, he had just lost his job at the courier service because of his alcoholism, he was a cocaine dealer with tons of different drugs that were easily accessible and he handled illegal firearms. Logically, this was far from the ideal situation I had imagined for myself but he was persistently charming, he listened to my leftist theory and he never tried to change my beliefs albeit he would help me look at them from a different point of view.

He might’ve been covered in red flags but he was always soft and kind when he spoke to me. We didn’t argue over what was right or wrong, we respected each other’s views on life even if we were compelled to challenge those perspectives. This relationship taught me many things. It expanded my worldview. I started to respect differences I didn’t think I could validate before. I knew I could be a bit extreme with the theories I agreed with and this relationship helped me notice where I didn’t agree with my own theory thus balancing out what was rational and what was too idealistic.

The availability of cocaine seemed endless. This is how I ended up using cocaine for three months straight until I finally stopped. Having been addicted to heroin and meth before, I drastically underestimated what cocaine could do to me. I didn’t consider it as “hard” of a drug as the ones I’d been addicted to but I quickly learned I was wrong. I couldn’t figure out how to get away from doing coke without getting away from him. I had grown to love Ben but I knew being near him was damaging my health so I checked into a treatment center to get a grip on myself and my sobriety. I swore to myself I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again. I would give up coke like I gave up heroin and meth because the damage it had done was severe. I lost 30 pounds within three months. The drugs combined with my eating disorder made it apparent that I wasn’t okay.

The fire inside me could never be quelled. I knew I deserved to be sober and I would do anything to achieve the mental wellness I had worked so hard to acquire. Ben stayed supportive of me entering treatment and quitting cocaine. Our relationship had suddenly started to get rocky as I became more unstable. It seemed like our happy days were behind us and our arguing seemed incessant. I knew I needed to do something drastic, so I did. Quitting cocaine seemed difficult at first but it got easier after a couple days. I knew I had to say goodbye to cocaine and I could never use it again. At first this realization bummed me out but what did I get out of it anyways? I knew this would only lead me to worse things and eventually, it did. My resolve never changed and I held onto the idea that “my high is my sobriety” as 347aidan’s song “MEMORIES!” goes.

Today I find myself sober again. I won’t let what I’ve gone through those months be in vain. I learned some very important lessons through relapsing on cocaine and other drugs, I realized how much I love being in a sober state of mind. Mind you, I don’t subscribe to the “abstinence only” approach either. I think we need to adopt a harm reduction mindset to really be of service to people in need. The abstinence only approach leaves a lot of people on the wayside and it proves to not be as effective as maintenance therapy. We shouldn’t exclude someone from getting help because of how they chose to cope with their lives and circumstances. For myself, being “sober” looks like using marijuana and psychedelics in a balanced way and taking my prescribed medication. Early in my sobriety I found a lot of success while being prescribed Suboxone. So fuck what your local Alcoholic’s Anonymous group says but read The Big Book anyways. Take what applies to you and leave the rest.

I fell in love with a coke dealer and I really don’t regret any of it. He gave me the confidence to pursue my dreams and he believed in me. He would give me books on neuroscience or books about god because he knew I was having a difficult time finding my own spirituality. He never tried to convince me of anything, he just held my hand while I searched for my own answers. For obvious reasons it didn’t work out in the end but I’ll always deeply love Ben. I’m glad to be away from him and those bricks of cocaine. I’m never going back to that. I just want to be healthy again and I'll do anything to preserve that. I’m glad I could be brave enough to tackle my new addiction even if it meant letting him go.

[lostinthewiind]

Piss Off Your Parents - Part 9

Ukai Keishin - Haikyuu

Synopsis: freshly turned 18, you want to prove to your parents that you aren’t a child for them to push around anymore. First, get a job at the local corner store. Second, use the store owner’s 26-year-old son with piercings and a cigarette addiction to piss your parents off. Third, accidentally fall in love.

Rating: PG13

Warnings: arguing, harsh language, swearing

Song → 18 by Anarbor

Previous → Part 8

Next → Part 10

The trek up the stairs from the store to the apartment felt like climbing a never-ending escalator that was going the wrong way. After the day you had had, you were both mentally and physically exhausted and ready to call it a night early.

Thankfully, as if you had finally hit a stroke of luck that day, Keishin had texted you saying that he would pick up dinner on the way home, saving you the exertion of having to leave the apartment again. So, with that information in mind, you kicked off your shoes for the day and fell unceremoniously onto the couch in the living room.

As you sat down, you heard the envelope in your back pocket crinkle and the sudden noise seemed to completely fill the otherwise silent apartment.

Ah yes, the envelope.

Pulling the decision to your future out of your back pocket, you stared at it for what felt like another hour or so. No matter how long you held the envelope in your hands, you couldn't force yourself to open it. You simply didn't want to.

At some point between when your mother had handed it to you and now, you had subconsciously decided that you wanted to choose your own path forward despite what the decision letter may or may not say.

Feeling strangely empowered and confident, you stood to your feet and ventured into the bedroom where you slipped the envelope into one of the drawers Keishin was letting you keep your clothes in and tucked it underneath one of your sweaters. Maybe one day you would open the damn thing when whatever was inside wasn't weighing so heavily on your mind and future, but today was not that day.

Just then, you heard the front door open and knew Keishin had arrived home. Closing the drawer, you plastered a smile across your face and exited the bedroom to greet your boyfriend.

"Welcome home, Dear," you giggled, trying your best to fake the part of a doting housewife. "How was the volleyball game?"

Keishin chuckled softly as you took the takeout bags from him. "It was a close game, but they pulled it together in the last set and won."

"Oh, good!" You placed the bags onto the table before retrieving some plates and chopsticks from the kitchen.

"How was your day?" he asked as he pressed a chaste kiss to your cheek.

You sighed as you thought back on your day. "It was okay," you answered, not really wanting to go into much more detail than that. You doubted Keishin wanted to hear about your minuscule problems with rude customers after the long day he had clearly had.

Keishin, however, picked up on your uncertainty right away. "Doesn't sound okay," he commented. "Want to talk about it?"

You shrugged. "Just some shitty customers. Seems I had forgotten how poorly low-level workers are treated sometimes . . . just threw me a little," you said. "I'll be fine. Just glad the day is over now."

"You and me both." He flashed a smile as he turned to head for the bedroom. "I'm just going to change quickly and then we'll eat."

"Sounds good." You started dishing out some of the food. "I was also thinking we could watch a movie tonight as well. I could use something to clear my mind."

"Sitting on the couch with a beer is an ideal evening in my book," you heard him respond faintly from the bedroom. "There's a new action movie that came out. I think it's about-"

You waited for Keishin to finish his sentence, but when he didn't, you cocked your head and looked toward the bedroom doorway. Before you had the chance to call out to him, he appeared in the doorway shirtless, eyebrows furrowed and the envelope from the university in his hand.

"W-why do you have that?" you asked, the look on his face upon discovering the letter making your heart drop. "That was in my drawer . . . why were you going through my things?"

"I was looking for my sweater, the one you always steal," he answered. "Y/N . . . what is this?"

Rounding the table and approaching Keishin, you snatched the envelope out of his hand. "That is one of the many reasons why my day today was so shitty."

As you turned to head for the kitchen to toss the envelope in the garbage and rid your life of it, Keishin followed you. "You didn't get in?" he inquired.

You shrugged. "I have no idea. I didn't open it."

As you moved to toss the letter into the trash, Keishin grabbed your wrist and stopped you. "Why are you throwing it out if you didn't open it yet?"

"Because I don't care what it says. I've decided that I'm going to stay here with you and work at the store. This is the life I want . . . the life I get to choose for myself."

"You should still open it," he reasoned. "You might change how you feel about it when you see the result."

"I don't want to change how I feel about it." You shook your head as you gently pried your wrist out of his grip. "No need to make things more difficult than they need to be. I've had enough difficulty for one lifetime, thank you very much. This decision is easy, and best of all, it makes me happy."

Gesturing to the envelope, Keishin sighed. "But this is what you wanted. When you told me about your dream to play soccer at the University of Tokyo, your face lit up. Why are giving up on your dream before you've even given yourself a chance to experience it?"

"Dreams can change, Keishin," you told him before sighing and deciding to humour him for a moment. "Okay, let's say I open this letter and somehow did get in. What then? I couldn't pay for that school in my wildest dreams; not without my parents' help. Sometimes dreams are just childish and unrealistic. So I found a new dream, one with us living here together."

"You could apply for student loans. Tons of people do." He folded his arms across his chest. "I don't think this is about the money or your parents. I think this is about us. You've gotten comfortable here."

Throwing your hands up into the air in exasperation, you huffed. "And so what if I have? Is that really so bad?"

"I just don't want you to throw away an opportunity like this over me."

"Over you?" you cocked a brow. "Because you're, what, trash? Not worth it? A lowlife? A burnout?"

Keishin bit at his bottom lip. "You know what's not what I meant."

Inhaling deeply, you glared down at the god-forsaken envelope in your hand and began to tear at the top. "Let's not fight about something that probably isn't even going to happen." You pulled the letter out and unfolded it, your eyes scanning the text quickly. "The University of Tokyo is notoriously difficult to get into and I-"

Keishin quirked a brow when you stopped mid-sentence. "What does it say?"

A broken laugh was the only thing you could manage as you lowered the letter and shook your head. "Un-fucking-believable." You handed the paper over to Keishin, the edge crumpled from where your grip had tightened when you read the decision.

Keishin looked at the page for all of two seconds before he found the bolded 'Congratulations' and a huge grin spread across his face. "You got in!" He was way more excited than you were about this. "This is good news. You can play soccer at the University of Tokyo. Come on, you can't tell me this doesn't make you at least a little happy."

"I wish it did," you answered honestly. "I wish it were that easy."

"It is! It can be." Keishin set the letter down on the counter and took your hands in his. "Student loans, part-time jobs, it's all possible. Sure, it might be a little tricky to work out, but it's totally possible."

When you didn't respond, Keishin hooked his fingers under your chin and tilted your head up to look at him. "Accept the spot at the university. Follow your dream," he told you.

". . . but I'll have to leave you." You felt the words catch in your throat and tried your hardest not to start crying. "You make me happy—you're the first thing that's made me genuinely happy in a long time—and I don't want to leave that for a chance at something that might not even work out."

"But what if it does work out? You don't know that it won't," he said softly. "Don't end up like me, looking back at your past and wondering what might have been if you had just chosen a different path. I know this might seem good enough for now, but how will you feel after ten or twenty years of working the same dead-end job for the same shit pay all while getting treated like shit by people who look down on you? Look at how one day of catering to pretentious assholes made you feel. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like that?"

"But what about you?" you asked, your voice shaky.

Keishin dropped his head, a few stray strands of hair falling into his face. Unlike that morning, when he had been asleep with loose hairs in his face, he looked annoyed and frustrated now. The bags under his eyes and tension lines on his forehead were a stark contrast to the soft, peaceful face you had woken up to that morning.

"Don't throw this away over me," he repeated. "Don't throw your future away over a 26-year-old burnout."

Lip quivering, you sucked in a deep breath. "I thought you were different . . . but you're just like everyone else."

Keishin eyed you. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You said I should make my own decisions and live my life how I wanted but it was all a facade." You slipped your hand out of his and took a step back. "In the end, you're just like everyone else . . . you think you have a right to plan my future for me without giving me a say in the matter. You want to tell me how to live my life just like my parents."

"How could you say that?" Keishin almost snapped but managed to collect his anger before he did. "All I want is what's best for you."

You scoffed as you wiped a tear from your cheek. "If I had a penny for every time I've heard that I'd have enough money to pay for the University of Tokyo and then you'd get your damn wish . . . I'd be gone."

"When did I ever say I wanted you gone? Why are you so adamant that going to Tokyo means we can't be together?"

"Why are you so against just letting me make my own decision about this?! Why do I have to go to play soccer at that fucking university and leave you? I don't want to leave you!"

"Why not? Why are you so damn hung up on someone like me?!"

"Because I love you!" The two of you froze in place the second those words left your mouth. Chest heaving from the shouting and high emotions, you snapped your mouth shut before you said anything else in the heat of the moment.

Eyes wide, Keishin stared at you like a deer in headlights. "You what?"

You debated whether or not you should repeat what you had said, but by then, the damage had been done. "I love you," you breathed. "And I know you told me not to fall in love with you . . . but I did. I fell hard and fast and now I'm stuck in you and I cannot possibly leave you so please stop asking me to."

You waited for what felt like an eternity for Keishin to say something, say anything. He opened his mouth a few times like he was about to, but nothing ever came out.

"Keishin . . ." You took a cautious step forward. "Please say something."

Keishin swallowed hard before looking you directly in the eyes. "If I said I didn't love you back, would you go?"

You felt your heart crack and the sensation of being punched in the gut spread throughout your entire body. "Is that what you're saying? You don't love me?"

"If I didn't, would you leave?"

You inhaled sharply. "If you look me in the eyes right now and tell me that you don't feel the same way that I do; that everything over the past few months has meant nothing to you, there would be no possible way I could stay in Miyagi," you answered truthfully. "If you tell me that you don't love me and that you never have, I would have no reason to stay in this prefecture."

Keishin's lips parted once more. "Y/N . . . I-" His brown eyes locked onto yours and you could feel what he was about to say even though he never did. "I . . . I can't do this right now."

With that, he brushed past you, grabbed a sweater from the bedroom and threw it on before storming out of the apartment, leaving you and the now cold takeout food alone.

Tears in your eyes and a lump in your throat, you turned to look over your shoulder at the decision letter sitting on the counter, practically taunting you.

You should have thrown the thing out the second your mom dropped it off. Or better yet, maybe you should have never made that deal with Keishin and applied for the university in the first place.

[kudzushadow]

There for You | Part 1 of 3 | A Harlivy Fanfiction

Summary: After Harley finds Ivy in tears on the floor of the bathroom, realization dawns on her about how hard the past year had been on Ivy, from literally dying (1x12) to mind control. (2x12) They have a heartfelt conversation about the events leading up to the moment, and learn that sometimes it's ok to confide in the ones you care for. (Based on the scene from Eat Bang! Kill Tour: Issue #1)

Hurt/Comfort | TW: Past trauma mentions, slight hints of past abuse. | Spoilers for Harley Quinn: The Animated Series & Eat Bang! Kill Tour: Issue #1

See bottom for extra notes!

-

"...Ive?" Harley's eyes widened as she rounded a corner and was greeted with a sight that made her heart ache.

Ivy sat on the bathroom floor, head buried in her hands as her whole body shook with sobs. 

Harley was immediately kneeling by her side, arms wrapping protectively around her girlfriend without a second of hesitation. "Shh. It's alright, Ive. Everything's going to be ok…" Ivy had been acting strange since the wedding, but she hadn't been willing to open up to Harley. Now Harley was beyond worried, it was clearly more serious than the redhead had been letting on.

Ivy immediately relaxed into the blonde, tucking her face into Harley's chest. Eventually her sobs quieted down, but Harley could feel her trembling as she held her. While she tried to figure out what to say, she rubbed Ivy’s back comfortingly. 

After a couple moments of silence, after holding Ivy, feeling her tremble, listening to her uneven breathing… seeing her tear stained cheeks… realization began to dawn on Harley. God, she was so stupid and oblivious! She’d been so focused on her own feelings, she hadn’t even begun to consider Ivy’s… and how hard it must’ve been, being stuck in the middle of everything. 

“Ivy… I'm sorry. I’m so sorry… I’ve been so caught up in my own feelings, I hadn’t given any thought to how heavy all of this must weigh on you…” She brushed a strand of hair from Ivy’s face before continuing. “You’ve been through so much this past year, and I’ve been a pretty shitty friend. I should’ve been there for you, I should’ve helped you, should’ve protected you… and if I could go back in time and do it all differently, I would. A thousand times over.”

“...but I can’t, and that’s something I’ll regret as long as I live. Yet you’ve always been there for me, even when I created huge messes… when I joined the Legion of Doom, when I went back to Joker, when I released an army of parademons, when the Injustice League froze me… god, that last one sucked. Yet you rescued me. You always rescue me, Ive. Always help me. Always take care of me, even though I’m not sure I deserve it most of the time…” Harley looked away, shutting her eyes for a moment before forcing herself to continue. “...Ivy, you don’t have to pretend to be strong in front of me. You’re hurting… and that’s ok. We all hurt sometimes, but that doesn’t make us weak… or… or less human. I’m here now though. I want to share that burden with you, if you’ll let me.” Harley looked back at Ivy, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. “I love you, Ive. I love you so much… and if you ever… yknow, want to talk about… well, anything at all, really… I just want you to know I’m here.” 

Ivy turned her head away, and the next few minutes passed slowly in silence. Harley held Ivy, didn’t once let go, but with each passing second she became increasingly worried she’d done something wrong. Was it something she’d said? Oh god, had she made it worse? 

“Ive, I didn’t mean-”

“Harley.” Ivy pulled away slightly, raising her head so she could meet Harley’s wide blue eyes. “I-” She paused, choking back a sob. “I hurt you, I hurt Chuck… I hurt so many people… all because I didn’t know what I wanted then… and to be honest, I’m not sure what I want now, either…”

Harley’s heart dropped, and she opened her mouth to respond before Ivy cut her off.

“-...but Harley… so much has happened. You’ve made mistakes, I’ve made mistakes… and you’re trying to change… that’s good, and I’m proud of you… but you're right, we can’t change the past, no matter how hard we try.” Ivy shut her eyes, letting out a shaky exhale before continuing. “Opening up… relationships… hell, just being around other people is… is hard for me… but you showed me the good in humanity. That not all humans are… are monsters. My life before I met you… was… lonely. Even with all my plants, I had nobody to talk to. Nobody to confide in… but I liked it that way. It was safe. Nobody was going to judge me, or… or abandon me... and I guess that’s why I… why I chose Chuck… because he was the safer option.”

I trust you, with my life… but I don’t trust you with my heart.

Harley winced inwardly, but she understood where Ivy was coming from. Harley definitely didn’t have the best track record with… well, anything really. 

So I… I’m marrying Kiteman.

“I was… I was scared. Scared that if I… if I went with what my heart was telling me, it was just going to get broken… and after everything, I just… I couldn’t stand the idea of that happening. Of losing you again…” Ivy trailed off, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes.

You were my one friend, and I asked you for one favor, but instead you ditched me for the Joker, who treats you like shit! 

“Ivy… I had no idea you felt that way.” Harley spoke softly, using her free hand to lift Ivy’s chin so she could look into those beautiful green eyes… eyes whose depths she often found herself lost in. “I… didn’t know what I really wanted then. It was like… like I was trying to fill a hole inside me… like part of me was missing… and then, that night at the pit…” She smiled, using her thumb to brush a tear from Ivy’s cheek. “That was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I hadn’t realized… I hadn’t realized what it felt like to have someone else care about you. To have someone love you. Joker definitely never cared about me… not in the way you do… and... y'know, maybe I didn’t deserve it. Like I said, I haven’t always been the most reliable… but that changes today… if you’ll give me a shot, that is…”

Ivy looked up at Harley as she brushed the tear away, and smiled sadly. “...You’re trying to change… and that’s what matters. Harls, I do love you. A lot…. More than I care to admit… and… this whole relationship thing is new to me, but… I’m… I’m willing to give it a shot. To give you a shot… and today… today was proof of how much you’ve changed. How much you’re willing to sacrifice for others…” Ivy rested her head on Harley’s shoulder, but her mind was clearly wandering.

“...but that’s not all that’s troubling you, is it?”

“...perceptive as always.” Ivy chuckled halfheartedly, then looked away again. “It’s… it’s fine. It’s nothing important…”

“Well, I am a psychiatrist… but seriously Ive, you can tell me anything.” Harley stroked her cheek. “You know that.” 

“Harley, I really don’t want to talk about it… can we just… can you help me out of this dress?”

“...yeah. Sure thing.” Harley stood up before reaching out a hand to help Ivy up. She definitely wasn’t going to let this drop that easily, but Ivy clearly didn’t want to talk anymore right now… so instead Harley busied herself with the zipper of Ivy’s wedding dress and the sights underneath.

- End of part 1 -

I think all of it copied and pasted? If it looks like anything is missing please lmk!

This... this is what quarantine, lack of sleep, and having covid does to you. Helps you get over writers block. This is my first work I've gone public with, and originally I wasn't going to post it but a friend gave me the confidence to share it! So... here it is, I guess?

I was going to post it on Archives of Our Own too, but I have to wait till the 14th to get an account. 😐

Comments mean the world, even if it's just a couple words. I'll even take criticism to heart! By commenting you all can let me know what you think, and if you want to see the other parts...

Any interaction is appreciated, and my inbox and dms are always open! Thank you, and have a great day! (Or night!)

[myloversthesunrise]

but in your sacred air i am full of light (iv)

Lin felt her blood run cold. As much as she hated to admit it, Amarantha wasn't entirely wrong. She had heard stories of children being sold into work or unpaid labor or even marriages by parents to save their own debts. But she had never expected it to happen to her.

rhysand x original character | not canon compliant | can be read as a reader fic if you don’t mind her physical description | AO3

chapter: i. never be rude to a faerie | ii. never give them your true name | iii [a ghost from the past] | iv. faeries cannot lie | v. faeries cannot lie [ii] | vi. never make a bargain with a faerie

warnings: none

word count: 5619

notes: commas to me are what hyphens are to sarah janet m. anyways i'm sorry for the late update! was out on Monday with my friends and i was too tired when i got home heheh. also I've been trying to find a way of telling you the worldbuilding and lore of this story without info-dumping it but i haven't found the best way to do it so u gotta stick with what we've got right now, unfortunately. as usual, any kind of feedback are very much welcomed! especially since i have no idea whether you're enjoying it or not :"). hope everyone's having a good day and don't forget to stay safe and healthy <3

A few days later, Lin was summoned by Amarantha into her study.

She didn't know if she was lucky, or if Gavin's kept true to his promise, but she mustered up the most grateful expression she could possibly have and shot it at him before she entered Amarantha's study and let the brunet close the door behind her.

Unlike most halls and rooms in Under the Mountain, Amarantha's study was accompanied by a ceiling-to-floor window. The curtains were pushed away, letting moonlight flood into the office and lighting it along with dozens of candles placed by her desk and hung on the chandelier above.

The redheaded faerie sat behind her desk, diligently working hard and reading all the books and papers that were scattered all over the table.

"Come here," she commanded without looking up from her mountains of paperwork.

Lin obediently walked to stand by her desk, waiting for any further explanation by her.

Today, she wore a deep blue dress made of velvet with gold embroidery, which beautifully complemented her hair color. Her hair was pinned up today, and a golden crown weighed down her head. The young woman wondered how did the crown stay so still while Amarantha’s head was leaning down and bopping around to do her work.

Her hands were barren from any bracelets, but she noticed a ring or two decorated her graceful fingers.

Including, the eye ring.

And as expected, it was staring at her.

Lin quickly leaned back and inched away from the desk, trying to stand as far away from it as possible.

Her sudden movement caught Amarantha's eye, making the older woman raise her head from her piled paperwork and stare at her in scrutiny. She noticed the white scarf covering her head and human ears, and silently nodded in approval. The less attraction Lin would gain, the better.

Lin tried to relax her body and pretend to 'casually' look around. Her eyes darted from one place to another with an analyzing look as if studying the interior design of Amarantha's study.

The young woman heard a scoff from the redheaded faerie before the latter bent down to open one of her drawers. A few moments later, her crowned head reemerged along with a piece of paper in her hand.

Amarantha's dark eyes ran through the documents one more time before slamming them on the pile of books near where Lin was standing.

"There," she huffed. "There's your contract."

Instead of returning to her work, the redheaded faerie folded her hands to prop her chin and watched as the black-haired woman gingerly took a few steps forward and cautiously took the contract into her hands.

The Deceiver watched as Lin's dark eyes ran through the contract slowly and precisely, ensuring that there was no word that she had missed or misread. Her eyes slowly grew wider and wider and the young woman reread the contract multiple times in a panic frenzy before starting to flip the contract over and over.

Lin could not believe what she had just read. She ran her eyes over and over again before flipping the paper and studying the empty back of the contract hard, trying to find another sentence or word that could possibly help her in this situation.

"This," she gasped, dark eyes wide as saucers. "I have to stay here for how long!?" the black-haired woman shrieked in fright.

Amarantha narrowed her eyes at her. "Watch your tone with me, child." She sneered. "Unless you are illiterate, then you can see for how long you would have to stay here as a servant," The Lady Under the Mountain stated, her firm tone saying that the contract was final and there would be no changes nor amendments.

"But this means I'd have to stay here for the rest of my life!" Lin shouted, Amarantha's warning going past her head that was filled with all her distress at the thought of staying inside this glorified cave until she die.

The Lady Under the Mountain kept quiet and stared at the younger woman with a cold, stern stare in her eyes, challenging Lin to raise her voice again. The latter merely gaped at Amarantha's stare, her chest rising up and down in heavy breathing.

"Your highness please," Lin stammered and plead. She was very tempted to get on her knees and beg but she knew she would never retrieve her pride if she did. Her heart was beating loud and fast, her palms were sweaty and she could feel sickness pooling in her stomach.

The mortal woman braved herself to meet her dark eyes with Amarantha's obsidian black ones. Tears were threatening to pool in her eyes.

"There must be another way for me to pay my parents' debt," she begged. "I never signed this contract! I had never agreed to work here for the rest of my life!" Lin rattled on while waving her contract around as if trying to make a point.

Amarantha's stern glare had turned into a sneer. She had thought her little niece was too weak-willed and demure to speak up against her. Turns out, she had been wrong. And she didn't know whether this was a pleasant surprise or a troubling one.

"Shouldn't the third party be present when the contract is being made? I was never there! Nor I have ever consented to be brought into this mess!" Lin begged and yelled one last time. Her dark eyes were wide and full of desperation, her breath panting in frustration and trying to catch some air after she raged away to one of the deadliest faeries in Prythia without concern.

The room was quiet for a moment before the redheaded faerie answered.

"You were there."

Lin's jaws went slack, leaving her lips agape and her eyes wider if that was even possible.

"Your mother was pregnant when she had signed the contract," Amarantha took a sip from her wine glass before staring back at her with a reprimanding look in her eyes. Like a teacher would to their student. Except this teacher could behead her without any warning at all.

"The third party was present and all the terms and conditions were fulfilled."

"But I never consented!" Lin protested and stood strong to her opinion. "I have never agreed to this!"

The redheaded faerie leaned back to her chair with a smug expression on her face. Her lips were quirked up into a smirk and her eyes shone with victory. "A child cannot give any consent, nor opinions," she chided Lin as if the latter was a five-year-old child instead of a twenty-year-old woman. "So that is why parents always are their voice. That's how parents were able to sell their children into slavery and labor, unfortunately. They could take their own children's voices and use them to their own agenda. No matter what the child thinks nor feels, none of it matters if the parent says otherwise." Amarantha had finished with a self-satisfied tone and stared down at the younger woman.

Lin felt her blood run cold.

As much as she hated to admit it, Amarantha wasn't entirely wrong. She had heard stories of children being sold into work or unpaid labor or even marriages by parents to save their own debts. But she had never expected it to happen to her.

However, if the contract was made when she was a child and did not have any say in it, shouldn't it change if she was a grown-up now? Or make another contract to her as an adult? If they were going by her logic then the contract should only apply to a child, which was something she was not, and if Amarantha truly intended to keep her here then she would have to create another contract with her.

Lin could've sworn she was onto something, but she couldn't breathe properly. Her chest was constricting and her stomach tightened. Her dark eyes felt warm and she knew if she did not leave soon, she would be crying and tearing up in Amarantha's office. The younger woman mustered up all the courage she had and requested one last thing.

"I would like a copy of the contract," the black-haired woman held her chin high and asked the Deceiver as politely as possible while trying her best to keep her dignity intact.

Amarantha's smug expression did not falter. She merely picked up a paper and an inked pen before shoving it in her direction. Lin grabbed the pen and paper before jolting down every single word and sentence in the contract. She worked in silence and her hands moved swiftly, not wanting to spend more time being stuck in a room with the redheaded faerie and get stared down by her and her creepy eye ring.

When she was finished, her dark eyes darted and glared at both of the contracts, making sure that she had written the exact same copy on the spare paper. Once Lin was sure, she gave Amarantha the original contract and the inked pen as the redheaded faerie waved her hand in dismissal.

Without waiting any further, Lin marched towards the exit and slammed the door behind her.

Lin wanted to cry.

Her stomach felt sick and her chest was tight. All she wanted to sob and weep and bawl her eyes out. She wanted to curl up and sleep and hope that she would never wake again. She wanted to run away and jump high up in the air and let the clouds take her home to her small little village.

But she couldn't.

Instead, she was stuck in her closed room, furiously reading a copy of her contract over and over again trying to find a possible loophole and finding out that she couldn't find any, and stressed herself out even further.

In her last attempt at salvation, she braved herself and bear her stomachache to knock on Edith's room.

A few moments later, the carrot-haired faerie reemerged. Her eyes lightened up at the sight of Lin and she quickly greeted her.

"Lin! What is it, love?" she asked kindly with the corner of her lips lifted up to a wide smile. Her grin faltered into a frown after she had seen the terrified expression on the younger woman's face. Edith's cat eyes darted into Lin's palms where she had nervously played with her hands for her own comfort.

"I need your help," Lin plead.

Understanding the situation, Edith quickly closed the door to her own room before ushering her friend to her room and closing the door behind her as soon as both of them entered.

"What's wrong?" the ginger hurriedly asked when they were finally safe within her room.

Lin's face was pale and her breathing was shaky. With trembling hands, she sat down on her bed and started telling Edith as much as she could without revealing herself to be a mortal. She told half-truths of her parents who had passed away when she was a mere babe and how they had made a contract with the Deceiver. She told half-lies of growing up in a small village with her grandmother and recently taken by Amarantha's soldier. She gave Edith her truths without telling the truth to the cat-eyed faerie.

When she finished telling her story, the black-haired woman handed Edith her contract and asked if Edith could help her find any loopholes in it.

The young mortal knew that telling Edith was a terrible choice, considering how gossipy she was. But she didn't have any other choice. The only person that came to her mind was Edith and her panicked self needed any form of help and support at that moment. So Lin risked everything and brought the faerie into her web of secrets and mysteries.

Edith got up and quickly sat on the writing desk before bending her back to read the contract. Lin let her read the contract in a nerve-racking silence. The younger woman watched as Edith carefully ran her cat eyes through every single inch of the contract and even flipped it over multiple times before re-reading it again, making sure she did not miss anything.

A few minutes had passed but it had felt like hours to Lin. The ginger let out a resigned sigh before leaning back on her chair, giving up on the paper in front of her.

"I'm sorry." Edith blurted out before staring at the black-haired woman in the eye with a look full of remorse. Lin could feel her shoulders sagged in disappointment and the weight in her stomach returned twofold.

The ginger quickly perked up and grabbed the contract before shoving it towards Lin's direction. "But look! You're still getting paid and you're allowed to take five days of leave every month!" She said as she pointed in the contract's writings where it had explained what Edith was saying. "You can still go out once in a while! And near here there's a village that holds a night market every summer! I can take you there if you would like."

Edith finished with a comforting smile, doing her best to cheer up her new friend. But the frown didn't disappear from Lin's face. If anything, it went deeper. Furrowing her eyebrows and curled the corner of her lips downwards.

Lin opened her mouth—as if trying to say something in reply—but closed it again in exasperation. The cat-eyed faerie watched as her friend took a deep breath before thanking her for her help.

"I appreciate it," the black-haired woman said earnestly despite her shaky voice. "But I—" Lin trailed in exhaustion. "I think I would like to rest now."

Edith watched as Lin squeezed in a pained smile on her lips in an attempt to assure the ginger-haired girl. She saw the sorrow in her eyes that was barely constrained back by her smile and heard the ache in her voice.

The faerie quickly got up from her seat and walked towards the door while being followed suit by her younger friend—who was still trying her best to be a good host—and opened the door for Edith.

She began to walk off before turning back and surprising Lin by wrapping her arms around her. Edith gave her the tightest hug she had ever possibly received and she could feel her body warmth seeping from her thin clothes.

Lin flinched in surprise—not used to being held like this—and Edith quickly backed off in response.

"I'm sorry," she apologized quickly. Her freckled hand moved to grab Lin's pale one before bringing it up and grasping it tightly.

"But if you ever need anything," Edith's cat eyes met Lin's dark one. Earnestness and resolve shone through it, and the younger woman knew she could trust Edith to keep quiet about this.

Lin nodded hardly without needing Edith to finish her sentence. The cat-eyed faerie smiled gently at her friend before giving her hands one last grasp and left to her own room.

She didn't know how long she had been crying in her bed.

But by the time she had finished, her head hurts, her nose was runny, and her ears were ringing from her attempts to clean her nose by blowing her snot.

Lin only hoped that the rocky walls under the mountain would be enough to drown out her sobs or she wouldn't know how she'd face everybody tomorrow.

Her dark eyes were swollen when she got up from her bed and groggily sat on her chair. With a sniffle and a lot of reluctance, the young woman read the contract one more time.

And there it had been written, both of her parents' names and an oath to forsake their firstborn daughter into the arms of the Hybern Kingdom as a payment for the crimes they have committed. She was to be taken when she had reached adulthood and would have to serve the Hybern and its ruler until she took her last breath.

By the time she had finished, fresh tears had sprouted from her eyes.

Fortunately, her angry sobbing had been reduced to silent tears as the young woman had slowly accepted her fate and begun to regret all the tears she had spent.

Lin had never thought of crying as a weakness. If anything, she thought of it as a stress relief. She had always felt better after a short session of crying after a long hard week.

But tonight, she had resented herself for unleashing her emotions instead of doing something to help herself. Because that's what all the heroes and heroines do in the stories she had read. They were smart, and they had always used every opportunity to find any chances for them to accomplish their goals. She remembered the story of Jack who snuck around to find a way down with the beanstalk from the giants. She remembered the story of Aschenputtel who managed to find the time to mend her old mother's dress so she could go to the ball while enduring her stepmother's and stepsisters' ill-treatments and abuse.

And that's what Lin should be doing.

Instead, the young woman had cried her heart out and whined to her friend like a toddler.

Lin could feel her cheeks flushing with embarrassment to herself.

A gentle breeze flew in, bringing a cold, sharp smell of pine into Lin's sensitive nose, causing her to sneeze loudly.

Suddenly, the young woman was reminded of the small peephole that existed somewhere inside her room.

Lin quickly got up from her chair before sniffing her nose around, trying to find where the pine scent had come from. After a while, she found a spot where she smelt the pine scent in its strongest.

Above her bed.

She ran to her table to grab her candelabra before taking off her slippers and climbing her bed. Lin tried to look around the wall using the candlelight, but it was no use. The dark stone wall only hid the peephole in it. So Lin held her candelabra and stood still as she held her breath.

Not long after, the candles flickered.

The young woman's swollen eyes began to light up with joy.

Lin waited for the candles to flicker and watched their movement, trying to find where the wind was blowing from.

The candles had flickered once again.

Downwards. The tips of flame had leaned to the bed across her own.

She quickly stood on her tippy toes and studied the higher walls of her room, trying to find a peephole or even feel a breeze, starting from the head of her bed before slowly crawling her way towards the foot of her bed, inch by inch. The more she walked, the cooler the breeze felt, which confirmed her suspicion.

Lin eventually stopped where her wardrobe stood, blocking her access to the walls by the end of her bed. She carefully placed the candelabra on top of her wardrobe, making sure that it was close enough to be reached but far enough that it won't accidentally get knocked by her. The young woman carefully held on to the top of the wardrobe, before slowly lifting her footing to stand by the end of her bed frame.

After adjusting to the cold steel against her feet and barely having any ground to step on, Lin carefully grabbed the candelabra and put it by the wall against the wardrobe.

And she saw it.

A hollow spot by the wall. It wasn't big, barely the size of her palm. But it was big enough for her who had barely seen the outside world.

A cool wind blew in, blowing out her candles and bringing a pine and earthy scent with it. From here, she could hear the soft sounds of leaves rustling against each other as the breeze gently caressed them.

For the first time since she arrived here, Lin had genuinely grinned in delight.

It's close, she thought. The outside world wasn't a mile away, it was within her reach.

Her mind was reminded of the long and dark tunnel by her door.

Perhaps the outside world was indeed a mile away, Lin mused. And maybe, this was the time to see it for herself.

Without waiting any further, Lin grabbed her candle and slowly got off her bed. She opened her wardrobe and grabbed her leather brown satchel before packing all her candles and matches inside it. Lin took off her slippers and put on her shoes. Her heart was beating fast with excitement and anxiety, butterflies fluttering around her stomach.

She had never been so excited and terrified at the same time.

The black-haired woman grabbed her candelabra and put on her old coat. Lin fixed her the scarf in her head and tightened it to make sure that it won't fall during her little trip. After that, she finally stepped out of her room and locked the door.

A few steps later, Lin stood in front of the tunnel, accompanied by three lit candles on her candelabra. So many scenarios and imaginations ran through her head.

A sudden earthquake caused the tunnel to collapse and trapped her inside it. Missing a turn and getting lost forever Under the Mountain. A wild animal who somehow found its way into the tunnel and was waiting for food. Running out of candles even though she brought a dozen of them inside her bag.

Lin took a deep, steady breath to calm herself.

She knew that all of these are less likely to happen, but being raised by a paranoid grandma did not help her case. However, she also knew that there would be no better time to learn how to control her fear and paranoia.

With that in mind, the young woman started walking into the darkness.

Lin was right.

It was as terrifying as her thought.

During her long walk to the outside, her heartbeat loudly inside her chest. Her palms were sweating and clammy that she was worried she might accidentally let the candelabra slip through her fingers, despite the death grip she had on the metal.

The tunnel wasn't big, but it wasn't small either. Its height was about twice or three times her height, and it was big enough to accommodate two or three people at the same time.

But it was dark. And quiet. Pitch-black darkness and deadly silence accompanied her as she walked her way through. She hated it. She had always hated this kind of darkness and silence. The ones where it could swallow you whole if you weren't careful with your thoughts.

Lin could've sworn her heart would beat out of her chest any moment, and she started humming an old nursery rhyme her Ah Ma used to sing to calm herself and give her a sense of time.

When she was humming it for the third time, a cold breeze flew in, bringing in the sound of rustling leaves and the forest scent that kissed her nose.

The black-haired woman inhaled sharply in excitement. Her back straightened up and she began walking at a faster pace towards where the wind had come in.

On her fifth time repeating the rhythm, Lin saw the faint exit from the tunnels. She saw an opening, where the darkness began to fade away, and she could see the shadows of swaying branches, shaking the leaves on it.

Lin's chest puffed in anticipation. Her dark eyes lit up as the corner of her lips grew into a smile. She started jogging to the exit, and her eyes watched as her sight became clearer. She could see leaves and trees and other kinds of shrubs she didn't know covering the frame of the tunnel, she could see the distant shadows of trees outside the exit, but most of all she could see the moonlight streaming through the forest canopy.

Her steps grew faster and she began running closer, closer, closer, and even closer to the exit before Lin burst through it with a gasp.

At once, she was greeted by the earthy scent of the forest and moonlight shining upon the clearing. In the distance, she could hear the sound of cicadas humming their tune into the night. A gentle breeze brushed against her skin, bringing in the scent of sharp cold air and a faraway scent of pine trees.

She took a deep breath, trying to process everything she was feeling at once. Her dark eyes had brightened up, like someone seeing their long-lost lover, and the corners of her lips were raised up onto an eager smile.

Lin blew out her candles and eagerly took one step forward, excited to explore the nearby woods and find out what it has in store for her.

"Going somewhere?" a voice drawled from behind her. It was low and honeyed, with a teasing lilt and also a dangerous tone to its edge.

Lin flinched and spun around, immediately holding out her candelabra like a sword in an attempt to protect herself. Her body was taut as a string and her eyes were fierce as a lioness, but still, she hoped that he wouldn't notice fear seeping from her eyes or the slight tremble in her hands.

The stranger smirked at her posture, his violet eyes gleaming with mischief.

He was sitting by the tunnel's entrance, his back against the shrub-covered wall with one of his knees propped up to support his arm. His smirk was sitting prettily on his lips, and the mischief in his eyes had been accompanied by a haughty look on his face. Like he knew something she did not.

"It's not every day you see a servant running away," he mocked with a menacing edge to his voice after Lin did not reply to his taunting. "Especially after one stormed out of Amarantha's study like a hurricane."

Her taut body tensed up even further if that was even possible.

"You saw that?" Lin gaped at him.

She couldn't care less about him seeing her anywhere, but to see her stomp her way out of Amarantha's study with tears welling in her eyes...

Well, it was humiliating.

Lin's cheeks flushed in embarrassment and the young woman was grateful that the moonlight could only shine so much or he would be seeing her tomato-red cheeks.

"I'm not running away," she mumbled after a few beats of silence. Her candelabra was no longer held out like a sword, but judging from her tight grip and her tense posture, she was still on alert.

"I just... I needed to go outside," Lin attempted to explain lamely to the stranger. "It was getting a bit suffocating in there."

Rhysand studied the female in front of her.

Small-build. Black hair covered in a white scarf. Xian features.

She seemed to be a lesser fae, judging from her smaller build. But he couldn't see any animalistic or nature-like features that could make her one.

But one thing that piqued Rhysand's interest the most was her visit to Amarantha's study.

He knew Amarantha's little kingdom like the back of his own hand. Servants like her wouldn't have to do any business with the Lady herself. All servants-related business had been taken care of by the Heads, two older female faeries with brown hair and lizard-like features and grey hair with bird-like features.

So why would she go directly to Amarantha? Not to mention the fact the way she left her study, which would be considered disrespectful by the Deceiver and earned her at least twenty lashings from the redhead.

Yet she escaped unscathed.

Rhysand was not a noisy man, but he needed to know about her.

"Well," he drawled as he gestured with his arm to the empty seat across him, on the other side of the tunnel's opening.

"Be my guest."

Lin frowned at his welcoming attempt.

On one hand, she did not feel like sitting down after making quite a feat of walking down the enclosed tunnels with her imagination of many ways to die inside it run amok as she scurried down the hole.

On the other hand, she did not trust this man enough to turn her back on her.

He was tall, much taller than her, judging from his long legs. The moonlight streaming through the forest canopy did not reach him so she couldn't study him properly, but she could tell from the thickness of his thigh and propped arm that he was muscular.

A soldier, perhaps.

But there was something honeyed in the way he talked, and an enticing glint in his purple eyes.

No, not purple.

Violet, she corrected herself. Like the sky at dusk.

Pretty, Lin thought.

But combined with his high cheekbones, straight nose, strong jawline, and his short midnight hair, this man was downright beautiful.

He wore all-black clothes, just like other soldiers, except his was darker. And there was something about him that made her feel like he had been created from the night itself. Like someone had cut apart a small tear of the night sky and molded him from it. His presence was dark, yet sensual and graceful, nothing like the lesser faeries she had spent her time with in the kitchen and reminded her of Amarantha's cold yet ruthless grace and regality.

Seeing his sensuous beauty and grace, she was distinctly reminded of a passage from one of the many books in her school's library, how the most beautiful animals would be the deadliest ones, to make it easier to lure in their prey.

Perhaps he was like that too.

Realizing that she was strangely attracted to a man she didn't even know and couldn't even see clearly, Lin concluded that either he truly was that alluring or she was in a dire need of a lover's presence in her life. Preferably soon.

All in all, he could easily overpower her if he wanted to, especially with his tall and muscular build.

Lin eyed the seat across him cautiously.

She could always sit there for a few minutes before excusing herself. Tell him that she needed to go wee before walking just a bit farther into the woods and walk around.

Yes, that seemed like a solid plan.

Lin was about to accept his invitation until a voice inside her head questioned her plan.

Did you have to lie?

Rhysand watched in amusement as the female stared at the empty space intensely, trying to decide if she would like to sit or not to sit. If this was how hard she had to think intensely and pick a decision between sitting down or not, Rhysand dreaded the day he would have to watch her decide whether to kill someone or not.

Lin continued her mental battle.

If she lied now to a stranger whom she didn't even know out of fear and cautiousness, was that how she would like to spend the rest of her life? Was that how she would want to live? Always avoiding made-up conflicts she had in her head and cowering her life away?

And it wasn't like he would harm her just because she lied about wanting to sit down or refused his offer.

Hopefully.

So why did she have to take the easy way out just because she was too afraid to say no to him?

"I—uh," she started.

"I'm gonna walk around," she lamely offered with a shrug using her candelabra, gesturing to the forest surrounding them. "Feels a bit useless for me if I came all the way out here to sit down and lie around," Lin finished with a scratch on the back of her neck. The black-haired woman mustered up all the courage she could possibly have and turned her back on him before walking away to explore around the forest, unlit candelabra in hand.

Lin heard rustling behind her, but she resisted the urge to turn around and kept walking forward, fearing that seeing the man stand up would make her chicken out. A few steps later, the young woman could hear a twig breaking and footsteps following her movement.

Her head snapped to look at the sight behind her.

The stranger was now walking behind her, only a few steps behind her own. Lin continued to stare slack-jawed at him, thinking where she went wrong in the little strategy she had planned earlier.

He kept walking past her until he was the one standing a few steps in front of her. As if realizing something, he stopped and casually turned around to face her. His violet eyes were shining with amusement and a hint of mischief she had seen earlier.

"Well," he offered and held out his hand at Lin. The mischief in his eyes and honeyed voice were now accompanied by a challenging smirk on his face.

"Aren't we going to take a walk?"

[ailendolin]

Whump Wednesday - 5 - Hornblower

Fandom: Hornblower

Characters: Archie Kennedy, Horatio Hornblower, William Bush

A/N: I feel like I should apologize in advance for this 😅 I've had this idea in my head for a long time but not the energy to put it into a proper fic yet so here is the first part of what was supposed to be a longer story where Archie survives but that doesn't mean that all is well. Let me know if you'd like to see this continued.

Also prompts, as always, are more than welcome 💙

--------------------------

“So what did the admiral want?” Mr. Bush asked when Horatio returned from the ship.

The answer was obvious, of course – at least it was to Archie but then again, he had known Horatio a lot longer than Mr. Bush had and seen him at both his best and worst and everything in-between over the years. There was a spring in Horatio’s step when he walked up the stairs that hadn’t been there this morning – a tell-tale sign just like the spark in his eyes Archie had missed dearly these past few months they’d been forced to stay on land.

It was that very spark that now weighed heavily on his heart for he knew it could only mean one thing.

“A commander,” Horatio said, unable to keep that boyish, excited grin off his face and confirming what Archie had already known. And feared. “For the Hotspur.”

“Congratulations, Horatio, sir!” Mr. Bush smiled, shaking Horatio’s hand enthusiastically. “They couldn’t have chosen a better man.”

No, Archie thought wistfully. They couldn’t have.

Ever since he’d returned to the Indyafter his imprisonment, he had been waiting for this moment – this one bright and shining point in time when Horatio would finally receive command of his own ship. Granted, the Hotspur was neither the Indy nor the Renownbut Mr. Bush was right: she was still a fine vessel and Archie knew her captain’s incredible mind would more than make up for what she might lack in size and guns, as would her crew with their loyalty and diligence.

How lucky they all were.

“Then would you do me the honour of being my first lieutenant?” Horatio asked with a smile that couldn’t quite hide his nervousness, and Archie’s heart fell. Every time he had dreamed of Horatio voicing that question – sometimes alone, other times together with Horatio, the both of them hidden away in the ship’s belly and quietly talking about a future so bright it had seemed set in stone – he’d imagined Horatio looking at him, his expression a little bashful, perhaps, but overflowing with the same hope and excitement Archie had felt thrumming through his own veins at the mere thought of serving on a ship under Horatio one day.

But it wasn’t him Horatio was now looking at. It was Mr. Bush, and seeing the happiness on both of their faces as they looked towards their future together hurt more than the wound in Archie’s stomach that refused to heal.

He had known for a while now that the place at Horatio’s side wouldn’t be his when the time for war and promotions came. With a wound that made simple, everyday actions like breathing and standing to attention hard and feats like running or climbing nearly impossible, there was no way he would be declared fit for duty any time soon – certainly not in time for the Hotspur’s first mission. Perhaps never again at all.

Archie had thought he’d made his peace with that. Stuck on land and sharing a room with Horatio, his fate had not felt like such a hardship at all. He’d gotten used to living without salty air in his lungs and westerlies tousling up his air, to taking on the odd job here and there to make life a little more comfortable. He’d adapted, almost too easily. With Horatio sleeping peacefully beside him at night, he’d caught himself thinking more than once that he could be content with a life like this where the last thing he saw before he closed his eyes at night was Horatio’s face and the first thing he heard in the morning was Horatio’s voice, softly pulling him from sleep.

Now he realized he had just been deluding himself. It wasn’t the life he had led that made him happy, made him endure the constant ache from his wound gladly and get out of bed every morning with a smile. It was Horatio’s presence – his kind brown eyes, the lovely smile that never failed to make Archie’s heart flutter whenever it was directed at him, and Horatio’s hands that had always been so very gentle with him, right from the very beginning on when Archie had still believed himself to be unworthy of kindness and care.

It all came down to Horatio’s presence in his life, and now that presence would be gone. Horatio would set sail again and it would be Mr. Bush who stood at his side on the quarterdeck, not Archie, and the thought was so unbearable Archie found it almost impossible to smile through his tears and congratulate his friends.

“I am very happy for you both,” he said, shaking first Mr. Bush’s hand and then Horatio’s, his touch lingering perhaps a second too long and rather selfishly on the latter. He meant what he said – he washappy for their good fortune and didn’t blame either of them for leaving him behind in favour of pursuing new horizons. And, more than anything, he was glad that out of all people it was Mr. Bush who would be taking his place at Horatio’s side. If there was anyone Archie trusted to keep an eye on Horatio and have his back no matter what, it was his fellow lieutenant.

And yet that small comfort did nothing to soothe the bone-deep ache he felt when he looked at the two of them standing there together, young and bright-eyed and with the whole world at their feet.

Perhaps he was being overdramatic, or perhaps he had been naïve all along to think his fate would be forever tied to Horatio’s. It might be a little bit of both, Archie supposed, but that didn’t make things easier, didn’t change the fact that he had just lost his best friend both to the sea and someone else. It hurt. It felt like someone was crushing his heart in their hands, the pressure so sharp and unrelenting the smile dropped from his face despite his best efforts to keep up appearances.

In the end, all Archie could do was swallow his heartbreak and say, “I believe you fine gentlemen have a ship to rig. I’ll leave you to it,” before he turned away, unable to stay even one second longer in their presence.

“Archie!” Horatio called after him. “Archie, wait!”

Archie pressed a hand against the wound in his side and quickened his pace without looking back. He hurried through the streets, nearly blind with tears, and it was only when he was safely back in the room he shared with Horatio and had shut and locked the door behind him that he slid down to the floor and allowed the tears to fall.