#i. e. people who’ve really accepted themselves

[noragaming]

i love chokers and gloves. they’re very sexy. but like almost EVERY bsd character is wearing either gloves or chokers. like dude.

do i thirst over all of them? do i thirst over none of them? mori also has gloves. gin-chan also has a choker. help

[dduane]

Hope this isn't an ask you get all the time, but how do you track your progress when you're doing editing?

Everyone talks about word goals, and that seems fine for a first draft, but doesn't make sense to me when it comes to revisions. Do you have any kind of system for setting daily goals for your revisions?

Actually, I don't think anyone's ever asked me about this. :) So no sweat.

Briefly: I think you're wise in not attempting wordcounting in this phase of dealing with an MS—or trying to push yourself into a structure so rigid. ...There's this, too: there's a whole lot too much emphasis out there at the moment on trying to force yourself into other people's writing and editing paradigms—so many of them riddled with bar graphs and "demonstrable" daily progress. You need to find what works for you. More words dealt with in a day, sure, that's encouraging in its way. But are they the right words?

Today’s Writer Take that will probably strike some as Hot (and ask me if I care): Some kinds of writing progress are just neither graphically nor numerically quantifiable. And damned to the least TripAdvisorally-acceptable regions of [insert your preferred underworld here] be those who’ve tried to sell people the idea that they are.

(sigh)

Now, for what it's worth: here's how I do it. Which may be useful to other people, or not so much so. And that's fine, because I'm not editing their novels. :)

(Adding a break here. Under the cut: advice + advice = advice, and some images of text I shouldn't be letting y'all see just yet... but WTF.)

Revision for me is a fairly relaxed business—unless my editor has told me WE NEED THIS ON TUESDAY, which thank sweet Thoth on his e-bike is very rare.

It also helps that I like revising. (When I was a kid, I liked liver, too. And spinach. Just call me Miss Outlier and let's move on.) I really enjoy the feeling of the work’s rough edges being filed down and the sparse places being filled out.

And also: second draft/first revision draft is nowhere near as tense for me as first draft. Because, thank God, at least there's a book.

First draft is where I sweat blood and otherwise suffer. While I can see the story just fine in my head, it's not really real for me until the first draft, whole in narrative and action, is complete on paper/in the machine. And till it's achieved at least that level of reality, I can't relax.

But by the time I hit my second/revision draft, I can be confident that any really serious problems in the novel have already been solved—because I'm an outliner. In the outline stage, potential thematic or structural troubles will routinely have revealed themselves way long ago: before drafting even got started, as I first wired the story's bones together. The successfully-executed first draft acts as proof-of-concept for that structural wiring. By the time that draft’s done, it’s immediately apparent whether the skeleton can successfully stand up by itself. And gods is that a relief when it does! You’re tempted to jump around yelling “It's aliiiiiive!" as the lightning strikes around you.*

However, if after submitting that draft my editor's found something structurally or thematically troublesome in it that I've completely missed until this point, my first order of business becomes to fix whatever their notes involve and submit the fixes. Nothing further happens until the editor sees what I've done about those problems, and until I get agreement that whatever intervention I've enacted has now sorted the problems out.

After that, everything happens in bed.

(...casually noting that for a line to use somewhere else...) :)

But seriously: I do my best revision and editing before getting up in the morning.

Some of this is because, for me, the mind's nice and quiet and (theoretically) at least moderately well rested, right after sleep. I might take the briefest glance at my email first to make sure nothing urgent needs attention... but once that’s done, I refuse to let myself go any further down that hole. That early-morning calm is a mental state I'm glad to exploit, and one I jealously guard. On days when I'm forced to do without the working lie-in**, I use a different approach: when there's a pause, sit down and do nothing—no reading, no video, no music, no phone, nothing—for half an hour: then start editing. Routinely, the quiet I need will once more have fallen.

The in-bed-editing approach also works for me because (since I'm working in Scrivener) it's absolutely no big deal to finish a day's editing on a file by exporting a version of the file containing the day's edits to ebook format, and into my Dropbox. From there, in the morning, without ever getting out from under the covers, I can pull that .epub file into my tablet and read it as an ebook, making corrections and notes there.

This is what it looks like (on a page without too many corrections) if the app you're using is "Books" in an iPad. The second image is what you get when you touch on the marginal yellow square of the note to examine it.

Then, when I'm finished looking over the previous day's/evening's writing and adding notes to it, I go downstairs, get some caffeine in me, and make the changes in the main Scrivener file. (If I was running the project in question on the iPad version of Scrivener, I'd just make the change right there. But who knows when I'd actually get up, then? Better to do it this way.) :)

In the normal flow of things I'll attempt to deal with a chapter or two a day in this mode. (Always bearing in mind that my chapters in early drafts typically run long—often 10K or so—and I'm likely enough to rebreak them later.) This first level of revision is the easy one: catching typos and bad or clumsy phrasings, reworking character interactions that need smoothing out; adding better descriptive passages (with particular emphasis on staying in the visual, audio and tactile senses), etc., etc.

So again: no way I'd ever bother worrying about word counts, with these. What seems to count for more is giving yourself time to recognize, gradually, at a reader's pace, what's working in the prose and what isn't. Rush—or try to force the pace to a given number of words per day—and you run the risk of missing something vital. To me, at the tracking level, it seems sufficient to note which chapters have been dealt with, and which are still hanging fire. (I can change the chapters' color labels in Scrivener to make this status visible at a glance, if I need to.)

When everything's dealt with on this pass—which if I'm lucky will take no more than a couple/few weeks—I try to take a couple weeks off before dealing with the MS again. Sometimes that's possible: sometimes not. The longer you can leave the book alone to let your perceptions of it rest and reset themselves, the better. Distance—mental or temporal—seems to lend clarity.

In any case, for me, next comes another pass, tougher to describe. Casually, I refer to it as the "Missed Opportunities/Complications" pass. This is a thing that one of the very best writers I know, John M. Ford, used to do. One of his editors (I think it was) came across him working on an MS one time, and asked him what he was doing. "Complications," Mike muttered. "Removing them?" said his editor. Mike shook his head. "Adding them," he said.

In this pass you look for in-novel connections you've previously missed making. Some dramatic moments have their impact significantly increased if you've found a way to connect them, even casually, with previous events, situations, character thoughts, or dialogue. (The cheap and easy mnemonic for this kind of thing: "Say a thing twice, and it echoes. Say it three times, and it resonates.")

Equally, events (and people) may turn out to require more complex backstory than you've given them in your first draft; so this is where you take care of that. And of course there are almost certainly character and emotional interactions that can use attention; fewer words, more depth, more complexity. What things do these people, in this situation, need to say to one another that they haven't? And also, what drama got scamped or passed up on because you were just too damn tired in the last draft? —Because you too, poor baby, are human; and that state can, entirely logically, make you want not to deal with any more damn drama just now. Even though drama is the lifeblood of your narrative, usually, and tying a tourniquet around it really doesn't help. You are the conduit of power into your narrative, and your varying ability to conduct it is always an issue… so you need to keep an eye open for places where the flow may have temporarily failed.

This pass, ideally, might take no more than another few weeks or a month. And again, I'm not sure any attempt at wordcount tracking would do this work any good. Because, again... are they the right words? And to make the narrative more effective, you may wind up removing as many words as you added in previous passes.

Finally, with all things taken together, I usually reach a point where (by myself, anyway) I can't think of anything to do that'll make this book any better. That's where there then comes—and again, impossible to assign a word count to it—a time when you know you're as Done As You Can Be. If you've been doing this long enough, you may even hear a strange kind of sigh in the back of your head, as the book gives up and lets go...

...into the next stage of production. But even then you keep an eye on it… because in my experience it’s rare that any book's ever that easily just finished. Even in page proofs, something may happen to surprise you.

Anyway, that's when I throw the book the hell out of the house—because no matter how much I've loved it previously, by that time I'm usually seriously tired of it—and wait to see whether the editor feels it needs one more draft. (Disclosure: this has never happened. There might be a few notes that need to be handled. But another full draft? Never yet.)

Anyway: hope this is of help to you.

But the heart of it all? Find your own way, and screw the bar graphs.

*That line, too, is an indicator of trouble to come. "It's?" Not "he's"? Tsk tsk.

**Usually sort of 7-9 AM. Sometimes way earlier, depending on the time of year. Dawn comes real early in the summertime in Ireland…

[terrbible]

What is the best dispensary in Toronto

A huge number of organizations were covered in Toronto during the pandemic, yet those vacant retail facades of previous bars, bistros and attire stores have apparently changed for the time being into one weed dispensary after the following.

Rivalry is wild.

A portion of the city's most cherished torment is currently lawful pot shops. Certain areas like Kensington Market, which used to house a couple of cautious dim market shops before legitimization in 2018, presently have four weed shops simply on one block.

Sovereign West, St. Lawrence Market, and Leslieville aren't greatly improved and, surprisingly, past midtown, there's no deficiency of dispensaries to be had. There are in excess of 300 legitimate retail weed stores in Toronto, such a long way in 2022 and the number is simply expected to develop.

Right now, the market is feeling soaked and finding a marijuana shop in too — one that you really like and trust — feels overpowering. Fortunately, Leafly has an organization of enthusiastic pot partakers who've attempted many dispensaries and positioned their top picks.

Look on for five of the best-evaluated weed dispensaries in Toronto.

Bonnefire

244 Sovereign St. W — Toronto, ON

Bonnefire has amazing property at the intersection of Sovereign W and John. While it's in the main part of the endless suburbia, inside feels like Muskoka. The inside plan embraces a nature-centred approach with crude wood showcases, and one Leafly client says it has "bungalow country" flows. They're essentially dead on.

Bonnefire passes the energy check and furthermore scores high for its choice of pillar most loved strains as well as an alternating determination of new and novel blossom. The staff likewise sticks out.

"I love the reality they found an opportunity to make sense of the different CBD items they had," says one Leafly commentator. "They carved out an opportunity to instruct me and not drive me into the deal. I left knowing significantly more and thankful."

Green Merchant Cannabis Boutique

294 Danforth Rd. - Toronto, ON

Do you know how a few people find themselves a neighbourhood watering opening and stick with it? Green Dealer is like that for local people at Danforth and Broadview. However, for weed. "This is my number one area spot. Everybody is in every case amazingly accommodating, cordial, and fair," which makes sense for one Leafly analyst.

This Toronto dispensary has gained notoriety for well-disposed and congenial budtenders who are anxious to track down the right item for each benefactor that strolls through the entryway.

Green Trader additionally offers free same-day conveyance in the city on orders more than $50 put before 4 pm, in addition to his month-to-monthly deals, similar to the ongoing Wake n Prepare (continuous until June 30, 2022), which saves 10% on the web and in-store orders put from 10:30 - 11 am.

Spiritleaf

142 Adelaide St. E – Toronto, ON

Spiritleaf has a top-notch menu both in-store and online. There are dozens of dried flower options in addition to a stellar selection of pre-rolls, milled weed, vapes, extracts, and edibles.

"Great selection. They bring in different products every week, so the choice is always rotating (and have their regular stuff too)," says one reviewer. Others feel the same. "Wide array of products—latest/greatest, craft and organic plus nice quality value strains," writes another.

The Adelaide shop is right in the middle of Old Town at Jarvis, around the corner from St. Lawrence Market. Folks appreciate its convenience and also praise its budtenders. It's also a franchise—like. With all good franchises, it leans into consistency. Spiritleaf is the first-ever first Canadian cannabis business to be accepted into the Canadian Franchise Association.

Wonderland Cannabis

1578 Sovereign St. E - Toronto, ON

Wonderland Weed is the go-to detection on the Sea shores. "We are so fortunate to have this dispensary in the area!! This spot fills my heart with joy each time I go, they truly know their item, and the store has such a new, cool energy," says one commentator, who likewise brought up the shop's special living plant wall.

Wonderland Weed's Sea shores area has more than 850 items to browse, and they routinely get new merchandise, as well. In the event that you're not ready to get into the store, they likewise offer same-day expedited shipment.

Orders are conveyed between 1 pm and 10 pm to people that live nearby (counting the Danforth) and will show up close to home somewhere around an hour and a half after making your request. Their site likewise has a coupon segment with pivoting deals, such as 5% off coming up or 10% off your most memorable internet-based buy.

FIKA Local

900 Dufferin St. – Toronto, ON

FIKA Local's newish cannabis retail shop inside Dufferin Mall is a game-changer for local residents. "The layout is great," says one Leafly reviewer. "I really appreciated how accessible it is to those using mobility devices…Such a great addition to Dufferin Mall!"

Like other FIKA Local shops, this one boasts a Tuck Shop fridge filled with cold cannabis-infused drinks, a Pre-Roll bar, a wide selection of vape pens and carts, as well as an easy-to-explore dried flower that's well-labelled and displayed.

This particular location follows mall hours (Monday to Friday, 10 am – 8 pm, Saturday, 10 am – 9 pm and Sunday, 11 am – 6 pm), so plan your visit as it isn't open as late as some other weed shops. 

There are deals to be had, too: Students that are 19+ get a 5% discount Monday through Friday and seniors (55+) enjoy 20% off on Mondays and 5% on Tuesday through Sunday.

[adifferenttime]

Andrew Ryan vs. Robert House

On almost every House post I make, someone in the notes will reliably reference Andrew Ryan. I totally get it - they look similar, they're based on the same guy, the parallels are so clear that the NV dev team added an achievement for killing House with a golf club - but I think these commonalities tend to engulf both characters, blotting out some of their more interesting ideological/personal differences. It's useful to examine them in relation to one another, but part of that is figuring out what distinguishes them, which is just what I’ve attempted to do.

It's difficult for me to talk about Randian objectivism because I don't think it's sound enough to address on its own terms, but considering this is the philosophy Andrew Ryan has adopted, I kind of have to. What I’d identify as the core premise of Randian ethics is this: altruism is a moral wrong. Some Randians have argued that isn't really what they believe - that the real point is anything resembling altruism is self-interest in disguise - but they're departing from the beliefs of their icon when they make those claims. Per Rand:

The irreducible primary of altruism, the basic absolute is self-sacrifice – which means self-immolation, self-abnegation, self-denial, self-destruction – which means the self as a standard of evil, the selfless as a standard of the good.

The way Rand defines altruism is by linking it to self-sacrifice, which she uses to differentiate it from kindness or benevolence. Aiding others at no cost to yourself is benevolent, but not altruistic, and therefore not evil. Sacrificing your happiness to help another human being is, from Rand's perspective, evil, as is any philosophy that prioritizes the other at the cost of the self. This whole idea has been broadly rejected by most scholars on account of it being really fucking stupid. What justifies the leap from "man is naturally selfish" to "selfishness is good"? If selfishness is moral, wouldn't the most moral behavior be to exploit others through whatever means necessary, favoring force over the market? Rand defines happiness as "using your mind’s fullest power," achievable only when you "do not consider the pleasure of others as the goal," but why is this the only definition? What if your only options are self-sacrificial in nature? How do you weigh them if neither sacrifice is linked to values, individual achievement, or "your mind's fullest power" at all? Rand didn't care because she was too busy trying to ethically justify cheating on her man with her best friend's husband, but nonetheless, this is the philosophy Andrew Ryan’s adopted. He claims that "Altruism is the root of all Wickedness," in what's almost a direct quote from Rand herself.

To that end, Ryan builds a system that doesn’t just accept selfishness but actively incentivizes it. Every other principle he expresses is subservient to the ideas that selfishness rules man, and that for Ryan to act on his own selfish impulses is the highest good in the world. His lesser political principles (individual liberties, negative rights, the creation of a stateless society) don’t matter to him as much as the central precept from which they stem: that selfishness is his moral imperative.

What is the greatest lie every created? What is the most vicious obscenity ever perpetrated on mankind? Slavery? The Holocaust? Dictatorship? No. It's the tool with which all that wickedness is built: altruism.

It doesn't come as a particular surprise to me when he starts imprisoning dissidents or executing rivals or banning theft (standard practice in most societies, but not what an egoist would pursue; if you can get away with taking it, you deserve to have it, or so the thinking goes). I’ve seen him described as a hypocrite, but I don’t think that’s necessarily true considering everything he does is in line with his opposition to altruism. He'll adhere to his other principles only if they don’t sabotage his pursuit of personal power. This is evident in the fact that he only adopts a negative perception of Fontaine when his own interests are threatened, but doesn’t give two shits what Fontaine might be doing to sow conflict and harm people before that point. A guy named Gregory asks Ryan to step in against Fontaine early on before Fontaine's fully established himself as a threat to Ryan's power, and Ryan's extremely blase about it.

Don't expect me to punish citizens for showing a little initiative. If you don't like what Fontaine is doing, well, I suggest you find a way to offer a better product.

Contrast this with how he reacts when Fontaine has risen as a genuine business rival. This is from the log titled "Fontaine Must Go."

Something must be done about Fontaine. While I was buying buildings and fish futures, he was cornering the market on genotypes and nucleotide sequences. Rapture is transforming before my eyes. The Great Chain is pulling away from me.

This double standard is the natural outgrowth of his prioritization of self-interest. If your most deeply-held belief is that you should never give up your interests for others, ancillary rules become flexible in times of personal crisis, and Bioshock makes the case that putting someone like that in charge of a city will leave you with a crumbling, monstrous ruin.

Superficially, House has some similarities. Ryan executes political rivals; House has you blow up a bunker of his ideological opponents. Ryan is the highest authority in Rapture; House is the absolute monarch of Vegas. Their goals and moral codes, though, are almost diametrically opposed. When you ask House why you’re expected to trust him when he’s openly admitting to installing himself as the despot of the New Vegas Strip, he says this:

I have no interest in abusing others... Nor have I any interest in being worshipped as some kind of machine-god messiah. I am impervious to such corrupting ambitions.

Most of his resources are devoted to large-scale, impersonal projects, aimed either at building the power of Vegas or securing his long term goal of “progress” as he sees it. He’s rejected selfishness as a moral good because House is very far from Randian objectivism. He's a Hobbesian monarch.

In that respect, he shares an outlook on human nature with Ryan that I deeply disagree with (that human beings are essentially selfish), but in terms of what that means for the structure of a utopian society, House takes a very different position. From his perspective, human nature breeds suffering, not industriousness, and the only way to stamp out conflict - and, in a post-nuclear age, ensure the continued survival of the human race - is through a strong sovereign. The purpose of a state as laid out in Leviathan aligns very, very closely with the one House expresses.

...the foresight of their own preservation, and of a more contented life thereby; that is to say, of getting themselves out from that miserable condition of war which is necessarily consequent, as hath been shown, to the natural passions of men...

The monarch's successes are reflected in his society and the well-being of humanity as a whole. To subvert his goals is to subvert society's goals, and to doom humanity to the war, death, and suffering that exist in a state of nature. When you destroy his Securitrons/kill him, he doesn't plead for himself or get offended on his own behalf. He accuses you of betraying not him, but mankind.

Single-handedly, you've brought mankind's best hopes of forward progress crashing down. No punishment would be too severe. Fool... to let... personalities... derail future... of mankind? ...Stupid! Slavery... the future of... mankind? What... have you... done?

An important corollary of this idea which again distinguishes House from Ryan appears in Leviathan’s description of the political/moral responsibility of a monarch to his subjects:

...that great Leviathan, or rather, to speak more reverently, of that mortal god to which we owe, under the immortal God, our peace and defence. For by this authority... he hath the use of so much power that, by terror thereof, he is enabled to form the wills of them all, to peace at home, and mutual aid against their enemies abroad.

Hobbes and House give the monarch virtually unlimited power but match it to the monarch's duty, which he lives to fulfill. His obligation is to speak for the people, act for them, and protect them from all threats, internal and external. House generally abides by this, orienting his decisions around his goals for society irrespective of the personal cost (the negative consequences of his actions are a product of his fucked evaluations of what’s best for society, not personal greed). It’s not just a departure from Ryan’s philosophy but a complete refutation of it. He's almost died for what he's misidentified as the greatest good.

Given that I had to make do with buggy software, the outcome could have been worse. I nearly died as it was…. I spent the next few decades in a veritable coma.

This is not the behavior of an egoist. This is the behavior of an extremely arrogant but marginally altruistic (from a Randian perspective lmao) guy. This is some distorted “from each according to his ability” shit if you’ve managed to convince yourself your abilities exceed those of everyone else who has ever lived and that you can get the Mandate of Heaven by being really good at statistics.

The reason these guys develop such similar structures and hierarchies despite the ideological gulfs between them is because both of them are elitists who’ve experienced a massive failure of self-consciousness. They’re unable to conceive of other people as being fundamentally like them. Ryan separates people into the clearly-delineated classes of “producer” and “parasite,” ignoring the fact that everything he’s ever “produced” was reliant on a huge, coordinated effort between workers, architects, accountants, middlemen, and others, all of whom, in conjunction, contributed more to the realization of his dreams that he ever could have alone. Rather than realizing his own position is more parasitic and reliant on other people’s labor than that of anyone else in Rapture, he adheres to his doctrine of selfishness even when it’s not reflective of reality and is ruining the the lives of an entire city of people. He deludes himself into believing he’s a superman among ants instead of one flawed man who is reliant on the goodwill of others to help him survive, as are we all.

House, too, thinks he’s exceptional. Unlike Ryan, he acknowledges the necessity of the worker to a functioning society, but while he’ll accept his reliance on that labor, he doesn’t trust the laborer enough to share political power. House knows he’s invested in humanity’s survival and the creation of a better world, but he refuses to consider that he might not be alone in this goal. He chalks up the existence of the Legion to fanaticism/the ambitions of a sultanistic dictator and attributes everything the NCR has done to greed, without it ever occurring to him that the massive harm these nations have done was partially motivated by the same goals he’s devoted himself to - and that the atrocities he’s committed since his rise to power are, in some respects, very similar. House knows himself to be invested in the well-being of humanity, but he’s too arrogant to ask himself if his methods are wrong or trust other people to build a new path, one that doesn’t necessitate his complete control over the land and people of the Mojave. Ryan and House’s worldviews are distinct, and their flaws, as highlighted by their respective narratives, say some interesting things about how each set of devs view power and the pitfalls of elitism.

Anyway. If you put these two men in a room, they would probably try to murder each other, and I think that’s great.

[asleepinawell]

Been having a lot of Thoughts about the nier series recently and the larger themes of both games and wanted to jot them down and toss them into the void of the internet.

Massive spoilers for nier automata follow, including for ending e. Do not read this if you ever intend to play nier automata. There are spoilers for nier replicant as well, though not for ending e.

One of the biggest themes both nier games tackle is the tragedy of an uncaring universe. Bad things happen to good people, people who think they're good and doing the right thing find out they were actually committing atrocities, the very idea that there's 'good' and 'bad' people is dissected and rejected. At the end of the day, the universe doesn't give a shit about any of us and none of it matters. Enjoy your existential despair!

In nier replicant, the main character starts off as an optimistic young boy who wants to save, not only his sister, but the entire world. After the time skip, nier is a young man whose optimism has (partially) been tarnished and whose goal has narrowed down to just saving his sister. As you move through each route you understand more and more how tragic the world is and how, despite your best intentions, you are only adding to the tragedy of the world. The original 4 endings of nier replicant are all tragic in some way. Ending D has a glimmer of hope in it in the form of nier being able to save kainé at the cost of his own existence, but it's a bittersweet ending and the world is ultimately doomed anyway.

Which brings us to nier automata. Even more so than replicant, automata hammers home the meaningless of everything, the uncaring universe, tragedy both avoidable and unavoidable. The main characters are locked in an endless loop of violence and despair. The worst that could happen, does, again and again. It thrives off the type of tragedy porn I usually hate.

Except....

Except it doesn't. If endings a and b are the opening statement, endings c and d are the facts and body of the essay, but then there's ending e, the concluding paragraph which takes everything we've been told and gives you the chance to draw your own conclusion from it.

Route e starts after you've gotten both ending c and d and is no longer about the characters in the game at all. Route e is about you, the player, and what you believe. It says "we've given you a story of complete despair, we've shown you the universe is unfair and doesn't give a fuck about you, we've shown you things that end in tragedy. despite all of this, do you still believe it's worth fighting for the hope of something better?"

And then it asks you to prove it.

Route e is the ending every fan has asked for when they've said "I'll fight the creators to give my favs a happy ending." Today is your lucky day!

Route e is the ending credits of the game, except that the ending credits have turned into a bullet hell mini game. In fighting the actual credits themselves, you are fighting the game devs. You are saying fuck you I don't believe that everything is pointless. Fighting for better is always worth it. The meaning that we imbue in life is important to us and that matters.

The bullet hell of the end credits starts out fairly simple and gets harder and harder as you go, lasting something like 15 minutes total, which is a brutally long time to be playing something that requires split second timing and 100% of your focus. It's meant to feel insurmountable, just like the challenges the characters in the game faced (the larger plot challenges, not the combat). You will likely die a lot and check points are few and far between.

But there's more to it than that. The first time you die, a prompt comes up:

And then when you die again:

Except now, there’s a message on the screen. A message that appears to be from another player, somewhere in the world.

And again:

(this one really fucked me up, but that’s for a different post).

And then finally:

(thank you user MR-YE-1996)

When you accept the rescue offer, you go back to the bullet hell again, but now you have a wall of other players around your weak little avatar, shielding you from harm. The music, which has been a single vocal track up until now, gains an entire chorus of voices to represent the army of actual players who’ve shown up to save you (and there’s a lot I could say about the use of the (exquisitely good) music in the nier games, and especially about the difference in lyrical themes between ashes of dreams and weight of the world). Every time a bullet hits one of the players surrounding you, there’s a message saying that user’s data has been lost. Users from all over the world are sacrificing themselves to help you. It’s a very nice, heart-warming moment that you still don’t understand the full impact of quite yet.

After you beat the credits, you’re rewarded by a final cutscene. The android protagonists have been reconstructed and will receive a second chance at life. The narration at this point talks about how life exists within the spiral of life and death we are all trapped in. One of the two pods talking points out that even though the androids are being given a second chance at life, there’s a possibility that things will go just as poorly once again. And the other pod agrees, but adds: “However, the possibility of a different future also exists.”

And then the scene ends with this quote: “A future is not given to you. It is something you must take for yourself.”

And this is really the final conclusion of the game. There is no inherent meaning in the universe, so the meaning we give our lives is the most meaningful thing. (And the ‘you’ here isn’t necessarily an individual either. It can be, or it can be humanity as a whole, or even one group). And you, the player, thought that it was worth fighting to give these characters a second chance, and other players out there in the world thought it was worth helping you to do so.

It’s such a wonderfully beautiful piece of meta interpretation posing as a game ending, and also a departure from the final conclusion of previous Yoko Taro games. It feels like a much more mature and nuanced interpretation of the world than the ending of replicant was (I won’t comment on the new ending e of replicant just yet since it didn’t come out that long ago). (Also, for the record, I love nier replicant and the characters in it with my entire heart. This post is not bashing it).

But the game has one more surprise in store for you. After the cutscene ends, you’re given one last choice. The game asks if you have any interest in helping other players the way you were helped. And if you say yes, you’re told that the only way you can do this is to sacrifice all your save data.

I think that sacrifice hits differently for different people. Some people genuinely won’t mind that at all. As someone who probably still has save data from games I played 20 years ago, it felt like a gut punch. To me, save data represents all the time and emotion and energy I’ve put into a game. Games are so deeply important to me in so many ways and have been since my childhood when they were one of the few ways I could escape from a lot of terrible shit going on in my life. (There’s a reason my blog title is what it is). I could talk a lot more about that point, but I’ll leave it by saying that when I saw what the game was asking of me it felt like someone had knocked my legs out from under me.

For more practical players, it also is locking you out of chapter select, the best way to go back and get all the things you missed and grab the achievements/trophies you still need.

The game will point out that you’ll get nothing in return for this (not a lie, there’s no secret reward), that you will likely never know if or who you helped, that you won’t be thanked, that the person you help could be someone you intensely dislike, etc. And with all of this comes the realization that all those people who came to help you in the credits had already done this. Those people whose data was sacrificed to help you get to the final cutscene had already sacrificed their save data to help you.

We’ve now gone from a world where everything is meaningless, to a world where other real actual human beings out there have sacrificed something that represented hours of their time and a varying amount of emotional investment without any hope of reward to help a stranger see a message of hope.

When I was younger, I was more drawn to dark, hopeless stories. Stories about how dark and meaningless the world was. The world was a terrible place then too. 9/11 happened when I was in highschool (an incident that influenced yoko taro’s creation of nier replicant and had a huge impact on me at the time), the pointless wars that happened after and the recession and a million other things seemed to infuse everything with hopelessness. In that world, stories about everything being meaningless and hopeless felt correct. They felt validating. Yes, everything really does suck that much!

That sort of story lost its appeal for me later on. Pointless and horrible things continued to happen, and still continue to happen. The world events of the last few years have been an unnerving reliving of those earlier years, except even worse. The cycles of tragedy are still there with no end in sight. I’m exhausted from all of it. It really does feel hopeless a lot.

But stories that stop at that point no longer appeal to me. Stories like nier automata--stories that say yes, things are terrible, but there’s always hope, you can create your own meaning, it is always worth it to fight for better even if you fail, your life is worthwhile simply for existing--those stories are the ones I think we all need more than anything.

[ebonyslasher]

Habit pt 2

C. Ferocious eating

Did this ever since he was a kid. He would just...attack his food. Like he had beef with his food from day one. He really goes in on every meal he has. He absolutely loves what you cook, so he goes in even harder. Needs a bib cause he's messy with it too. There have been multiple times where you had to tell him to slow down.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Brahms, slow down when you eat.”

“But it's so good y/n......just leave me beeee”

“No, cause this shit goes bones in it, you could choke.”

“Fine, I'll slow down....”

He goes slows down with the fish for a bit, but he started getting agitated. He slams his hands down on the table and demand that you take the bones out of his fish

“Brahms, we don't do that shit here so calm down! Ask nicely!”

“.....Can you take the bones out my fish please?”

“Anddddd?”

“And I'm sorry for telling at you. I didn't mean to..”

“I accept your apology...hand me your plate.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

C. Feet Sniffer

You're not sure if he has a foot fetish or not, but he smells your feet. But, he only does it if you go somewhere. Even if you go outside to do something, he asks to smell your feet. After a while, you just get used to it and automatically lift your foot for him after taking your shoes off. He only developed this habit with you. He likes to smell your feet to see what the outside and other places smell like. He doesn't go anywhere and his parents rarely did too.

C. Shared Habit: Social Situations

Being a shut in, he's never got the opportunity to really talk to people. Never learned social cues, doesn't know what type of situations people normally get into, etc. He expressed a desire to do that. So you two decided that you would act out different situations so that he could learn what the outside world was like. It's pretty awkward to watch, but it's just you two.

D. Dreambook

Whenever he has a test or quiz coming up, he sleeps with the textbook or his notebook under the pillow. He heard that some students would do that to try to absorb the info whole they were sleeping. It's not weird to people who've had hard ass classes but maybe weird to others.

D. Waste of clothes

When he has to poop, he takes his clothes off. Every single item. The more insistent the poop, the wilder he will take his clothes off. You can tell if he really had to go if their is a whole trail of clothes leading up to the bathroom😂😂😂.

D. Shared Habit: Skin goes pop!

You both get addicted to watching acne extraction videos. It relaxes you both after a hard day. He even watches a couple of videos before going to sleep. He can handle the more extreme and nasty videos (he frequents live leak a lot).

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You and Billy were laying up in bed, cuddling up against one another. Both of you were on your phone, social media hopping for the past 10 minutes.

“You wanna watch a cyst video I saw earlier?”

Billy looks down and tells you hell yeah.

“You gonna pull it up?”

“Yeah, lemme find it....hold on.”

Billy sets his phone down under his pillow and waits. You found the video in your history and click on it. You maneuver so that both of you could see the screen.

“Man this is a good one!”

“I know right. This mans face is covered with big ones!”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

E. Spaghetti improv

He eats spaghetti sandwiches. Not as weird as the others but a lot of people take a pause when they hear that. He has to eat it with garlic toast as the bread. In his eyes, it's a godly combination that only the smartest can think up themselves. You do admit, it taste really good when you try it

E. See the rythym

He blinks to the rythym of whatever song he's listening to. He didn't think it was weird until his friends pointed it out. He hides it by dancing when he's around other people. They can't watch your eyes if they are dancing too. You thought he had debris caught in his eyes when you first saw. He explained it to you and you just minded your business after. You had your own weird habits too

E. 6 ft under

He likes to take souvenirs from the people he murders. But leaving them around the house or in his room could get him caught, so he just buries them in his back yard. You end up helping him, since it's a lot of work for one person.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Damn...all this shit out here,” you said as you took a look around the yard. There were brown spots littered all over the place.

“Killed a lot of people doll,” Stu replies, as he places the latest trophy into the hole. It was a pink lava lamp that he used to beat onto a girls head.

“Yeah I know but....this don't look suspicious?? Y'all don't have a 🐕.”

Stu looked up at you and then out into the yard. He starts chewing on his bottom lip.

“Yeah true. Whatchu think we should do?”

“I would plant some grass....or a do a big garden or somn'.”

“Yeahhhh....and put out some decor and backyard shit. I'm into it. We gotta plan!”

He claps his hands together and rubs them on some birdman shit. You roll your eyes as you go inside to go look up where to get seeds.

[maybeimamuppet]

in her pride

happy Wednesday and happy pride, friends! this is a request fill for @jusanotherconfusedfangirl who requested our art freaks and Elijah attending pride!

trigger warnings for:

homophobia

one use of d-slur

panic attacks

I think that's everything, but as always please let me know if I've missed something and I will add it in.

enjoy!

-

“Hey, Peanut,” Janis greets as Cady leaps into her arms. “You look cute!”

“Thanks!” Cady chirps happily. She does look rather adorable in her shorts and tank top combo, complete with bi flag suspenders and a matching headband. She also found bi flag socks and stole a pair of Janis’ boots. Cady pulls back to see Janis’ outfit too. “Wow. You look… really good.”

“Why thank you,” Janis purrs. She’s in her usual shorts and tights, but this time has a lesbian flag t-shirt and matching socks poking out from her own boots. She does a spin to show off her outfit, revealing that one the pockets of her shorts has also been painted with the many orange and pink stripes of her flag, and her infamous ‘female power’ painting done in miniature on the other. “Come on.”

Cady follows her into the house and up to her room. Julie waves as they pass her open door. She’s got on a rainbow shirt in solidarity, but wouldn’t be joining them on their little excursion.

“Do you want your flag painted on your face?” Janis asks, pointing to her own cheek decorated with yet another lesbian flag. Cady nods excitedly, so Janis gestures for her to sit across from her on the bed and grabs her paints and a brush.

“What’s it going to be like?” Cady asks as Janis tenderly brushes a thick stripe of blue onto her cheek.

“Loud,” Janis replies immediately. “In a lot of ways. There’s gonna be a lot of bright colors, obviously, and a lot of noise. And probably a few weird smells.”

“Okay,” Cady chuckles gently so she doesn’t mess Janis up.

“It’s a lot of fun, though. You’ll get to see and meet all sorts of people who’ve been through and experienced all sorts of things,” Janis says. “You’ll love it.”

“I’m so excited,” Cady says happily as Janis finishes brushing magenta on top of her purple stripe. “When did you start going?”

“Ninth grade,” Janis says quietly. “Damian and I went with our moms.”

“Aww,” Cady coos. “You sound sad.”

“I’m… I don’t know,” Janis says. “It was a great thing overall that year, but I had an… ordeal, let’s say, with a group of protestors there. I’m still not sure how I feel about that Pride as a whole.”

“Oh,” Cady frowns. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not right now,” Janis says. “It’s your first pride, let’s just focus on that for today. I’ll tell you some other time.”

“Okay,” Cady says. “You look good in warm colors, you should wear them more often.”

“You think?” Janis chuckles, putting her hands on her hips and striking a pose. “Haven’t worn this much pink since I was a Plastic.”

“Love, you wore that pink shirt so many times during our junior year,” Cady says. “And last year, too.”

“What pink shirt?” Janis asks in confusion. “I don’t have any pink clothes.”

Cady heads over to her closet and pulls out the two-toned pink striped shirt, a dress with pink flowers, and a pink sweater.

“Then what color are these?” She asks, holding them up to show off.

Janis goes very quiet and purses her lips. “Diet red. I don’t wear pink.”

Cady bursts out laughing and comes to kiss her cheek. “You’re allowed to wear pink if you want, lovey. It suits you.”

“Humph,” Janis grumbles. “Do you have everything you need?”

“I think so,” Cady says. “Sunscreen and sunglasses, ear defenders, hats, water, snacks, phone, ponchos, flags.”

“Sounds good to me,” Janis says. “Dame and Elijah should be here in a few minutes and then we can go.”

“Yay,” Cady says happily, coming to straddle her girlfriend for cuddles.

-

Sure enough, Damian and Elijah come quite literally parading into the room about ten minutes later, having let themselves into Janis’ house. Cady and Janis are more than a little concerned when they hear Julie yell “Oh my god!”

Until they see what she’s on about. Damian is looking… colorful in a full rainbow outfit, complete with cloud hat, bright red lipstick and wearing a trans pride flag as a cape. Elijah is entirely topless but in a rainbow skirt, long and made of tulle. He’s also wearing a flag cape, but his is the demisexual flag. He has a fan in each hand. One says ‘Oh honey’ with a bee pattern on it and the other appears to say ‘Power bottom’. Janis gags a little as he hands the latter back to Damian.

“Jesus Christ, guys,” Janis laughs. “Looking good.”

“Whoa,” Cady blinks. “I want a cape!”

“Do you have a flag?” Damian asks. Cady nods and grabs her larger bi flag that she’d impulse-bought a while ago out of her bag. He takes it and ties it loosely around her neck to match them. Once she has her cape, Cady does a superhero pose with her hands on her hips and her chin jutted out proudly.

“Bi-der girl,” Janis mumbles under her breath. Cady hears her and laughs, nodding in agreement.

“Can we go now pleeeease? I’m so excited,” Cady begs, tugging on Janis’ hand to get her to stand up.

“Yes, we can, easy,” Janis laughs. “Save your energy.”

“She’s got plenty,” Damian chuckles. “Let’s go, E can drive us there.”

—————

“Whoa,” Cady says in awe, looking around at all the bright rainbows and fun outfits surrounding them. They got a spot near the start of the parade, to get the best goodies. “Is that person-“

“Naked? Probably,” Janis finishes as Cady trails off. “There’s a lot of different things people are here for, some are a little ‘out there’ even for me.”

“Hm,” Cady hums thoughtfully. “Fun!”

“Just wait ‘til it starts, Butterfly,” Janis says, kissing her cheek. Cady flinches a little when the screaming begins along with the parade, and Janis quickly realizes she can’t see much. Cady accepts the offered perch on Janis’ back and watches like that, waving at people passing by and catching them a few of whatever is flung their way.

By the time the last few floats and groups have gone by, Janis is almost totally covered in all sorts of rainbow and pride accoutrements. Necklaces, other beads, candy, flags, and even some condoms.

“That was awesome!” Cady squeals in her ear. “What now?”

“Now we get to walk around and enjoy it,” Janis responds, following Damian and Elijah down the street. “Ooh, cupcakes.”

Cady is glad Janis seems to have forgotten she’s still on her back, since it means she doesn’t have to walk around. Janis buys them each a cupcake with their respective pride flag frosted on top, and Cady climbs down to dig in happily.

“Ooh, mine is funfetti!” She says around a mouthful, showing Janis her cupcake with the bite missing.

“I think mine is strawberry,” Janis says around some of her own, showing off the pink center to hers. Cady cheekily leans in and takes a bite of it. “Hey!” Janis leans in and takes a bite of Cady’s. “You got frosting on your nose.”

Cady crosses her eyes to see, and sure enough, there is a little bit of purple frosting from her cupcake on her nose. She pokes her tongue out to try to get it, but Janis kisses it away instead. Cady grins and clambers back onto her girlfriend’s back, peppering a few kisses over her cheeks.

“What’s that?” She asks, pointing to a group of people who seem to be doing some sort of craft as they listen to a local band on a stage nearby.

“I dunno, sometimes they have art stuff here. Do you want to go see? I think we’ve officially lost Dame and Elijah,” Janis says.

“How did we manage that? Damian is literally dressed as a whole rainbow,” Cady mutters confusedly.

“Exactly, it’s perfect camouflage,” Janis chuckles. “They’ll find us eventually, come on.”

Cady clings to her shoulders contently as she’s carried over to the area. A lady is running a booth there and explains they’re painting rocks to go in a garden outside the local LGBTQ+ youth shelter. People are painting anything from pride flags, to animals and other random things, to supportive messages on some of the larger ones. It’s free, so Janis grabs a few rocks for each of them and a paper plate with all sorts of colors of acrylic paint.

“So what do you think so far, Butterfly?” Janis asks as she gets to work painting a bee on one of her rocks.

“It’s fun! You were right, it’s loud, but it’s… safe feeling. A good loud,” Cady responds, deciding to do a rainbow lion, as a little nod to her pride of lions from Kenya. “And everything is so interesting, there’s so much here.”

“Good,” Janis replies, leaning in to kiss her cheek. Someone from one of the other blankets yells over that they make a cute couple, and they both call back a thank you with a giggle.

“And everyone is so nice, too,” Cady chuckles, brushing a streak of purple into her lion’s mane.

Once all their rocks have been thoroughly decorated with all sorts of flags and rainbows and messages, they return them to the booth to dry and be placed, and then head off to find another thing to do.

“Oh, there’s Damian,” Cady says, having been on her tippy toes and scanning the local area.

“Of course he found the food trucks,” Janis mumbles under her breath. She yelps slightly as Cady grabs her hand and starts running them in that direction.

By the time they make it to him, she’s thoroughly out of breath. Damian turns around at the sound of her panting and chuckles.

“Hey guys!” He greets. “I found tacos. You good, Jan?”

“Gimme,” Janis puffs, reaching for his slushee. He hands it over begrudgingly and lets her have a few gulps. “Ooh, blue raspberry. Thanks.”

“Get your own,” Damian whines. “They’re, like, two bucks.”

“And you owe me ten,” Janis shrugs. “Mine now.”

“Why does Damian owe you money?” Cady asks worriedly.

“I bet him ten bucks I could steal a sheep without being noticed,” Janis responds. “And then I did.”

“You-you-“ Cady stutters. “Wh-what-why- why did you-“

“Good job, Janis, you broke your girlfriend,” Elijah chuckles.

“I put it back after,” Janis says, as if that makes anything better. Cady is still stuttering over several questions. “I named him Walter.”

Cady just blinks and then sighs, leaning her head against Janis’ shoulder. “Stop stealing livestock. Just leave them alone.”

“I didn’t steal the cows! Or the chickens,” Janis defends quickly. “And the sheep was fine. I just borrowed him for a second. Also, did you know sheep are not as soft as you would think? They’re very scratchy.”

“There’s a reason I can’t wear wool,” Cady chuckles in response. “Now get us some tacos, you heathen.”

Janis pouts, but does head up to the window to order them some food. Cady takes hers and leads them all over to a picnic table nearby, trying to navigate around the sticky soda spills and leftover gum.

Elijah tells them about the clothing and accessory booths set up a ways away, showing them all the cool pride necklaces he had purchased along with a few t-shirts. In return, Cady points out the cupcake place back closer to the beginning. Damian suddenly looks much more excited than he did a second ago.

“They’re really good! Mine was funfetti, and Janis let me try some of her strawberry one,” Cady says.

“I didn’t let you, you stole a bite,” Janis retaliates. “Don’t twist this story.”

“And you took some of mine,” Cady argues jokingly. “You would’ve given me a bite anyway.”

“No I wouldn’t! You’re a thief,” Janis says. Damian and Elijah both shoot her a look. “What?”

To prove her point, Cady juts out her bottom lip and blinks at her pleadingly. “Jayjay, can I pleeeease have a bite of your taco?”

“This is a trap, this is a trap,” Janis whispers to herself, trying her hardest to resist. Cady takes it up a notch and leans into her shoulder, blinking those long eyelashes at her adorably. “Fine!”

Cady laughs victoriously and steals her bite. “I told you. I have the power.”

“Outside the bedroom, maybe,” Janis mutters crankily. “Ow!”

“Janis Sarkisian,” Cady scolds, whacking her arm once more. “We just got a whole intervention a couple weeks ago, did you not learn your lesson about keeping things private?”

“I was joking, ow!” Janis laughs. “Stop hitting me, I’m sorry. I gave you my taco.”

Cady chuckles. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have hit you. I love you.”

Janis grins again as Cady cuddles back into her shoulder. “I love you too.”

Damian shoots them a warning look, so Janis restrains herself to one kiss against Cady’s hair and less aggressive cuddling than she wants.

They finish their food and sit there chatting for a while before Cady pipes up again. “I’m bored, can we go find something else to do?”

“Sure, Cads,” Damian chuckles. “Come on, there’s some photo booth thingies this way.”

Cady says, “Ooh!” excitedly at the same time Janis gives a groan, but they both follow Damian and Elijah regardless. “Jayjay, it’ll be fun! Oh, look at all the backdrops, they’re huge!”

Janis can’t help but smile at her excitement, remembering the joy she felt at her own first pride. Cady takes all sorts of selfies and pictures with her little squad at every flag backdrop, even the ones nobody in their group belong to. They are all very pretty and do make excellent photo backdrops.

Janis takes some of just Cady in front of the bi flag pasted to the side of a building. Cady smiles happily at her and does a few poses. Damian cheers her on from the sidelines before joining her for a few more. Janis smiles even more. She and Damian are and always will be platonic soulmates, but he and Cady have something special too.

Cady eventually comes back to her girlfriend after no fewer than fifty pictures. Some Plastic habits have taken longer to fade than others. “Do you want any of you?”

“Nah, I’m good. Thanks, Peanut,” Janis says. She’s perfectly content to peruse their group shots or the photos of Cady, she’s never been one to enjoy taking pictures of just herself. “I’m in plenty of the group ones.”

“Okay,” Cady says. “What do you want to do? You’ve just been following me around so far.”

“No, I got the cupcakes,” Janis reminds her. “And you’ve picked good stuff to do. Let’s go check out the shopping stands, though, they usually have good stuff.”

Cady nods and takes her hand. Damian and Elijah realize they’re leaving and follow after them at a slight distance. Cady looks around curiously at all the rainbows and other color schemes in various forms around them. “I’ve never felt so… safe. Or secure in my sexuality,” she says quietly as they pass under a rainbow balloon structure.

“Good. That’s how it’s supposed to feel,” Janis says back with a smile. It quickly fades. “Too good to last.”

“What?” Cady asks. Janis points to a crowd of religious protestors nearby, holding signs with all sorts of cruel phrasing on them. “Oh.”

“Just ignore them for now, unless they start getting physical or go after someone young,” Janis shrugs, turning to browse some pride earrings. Cady nods and follows.

She notices Janis tense up as they’re forced to get closer to keep browsing, so she squeezes her hand gently to comfort her. Janis squeezes back thankfully.

Cady and Janis manage to ignore them and continue browsing. Cady buys everyone scrunchies patterned with their respective flags. Elijah puts his on his wrist, but Damian goes the extra mile and manages to get a little ponytail together on top of his head.

He and Elijah continue walking around for a while, but Cady and Janis stay and find a place to sit. It’s quiet and peaceful as Cady braids Janis’ hair down her back and ties the end with her new scrunchie.

So quiet that Janis forgets where they are and who’s nearby, and leans in to kiss her. All she knows is Damian and Elijah aren’t particularly close by, so she has free reign to kiss her girlfriend as much as she wants.

She’s violently brought back to reality when she hears some yelling. All she can make out is the word ‘dykes’. And to make matters worse, her hand suddenly feels warm and wet. One of them spat on her.

Damian and Elijah make a return as they hear the slurs being yelled, and Janis runs to cuddle into Damian. Cady, however, is fuming.

Cady knows she’s not supposed to engage these people. It won’t change anything, and puts her at risk. But, as she sees Janis being led away by Damian apparently in tears, she can’t hold herself back. Elijah is waiting for her, and there’s plenty of safe people around.

“Listen up, you fucks!” She snaps, getting the mob’s attention. “You know damn well you don’t belong here. This is an event for us, to give us a safe space. You’re entitled to your opinions, but attacking my girlfriend is where I draw the fucking line. Fun fact, pride actually has two meanings. This, and a family of lions. I grew up surrounded by several prides. I know how they fight, how they protect each other. The same applies here. If you even think about doing anything to anyone here again, I’ll show you how a whole pride of lions fights. Now fuck off.”

Surprisingly, they listen and back down a little bit. They don’t leave like she had hoped, but deep down she knew they wouldn’t. They’re suddenly swarmed by other pride-goers, congratulating her on her speech and going to try to cover the signs of the protestors.

“Damn, Cady,” Elijah says lowly. “Nice.”

“They hurt Janis,” Cady growls furiously. “Where did they go?”

Elijah points to an alleyway and leads them to it, quickly revealing a sobbing Janis being cradled by Damian. Cady’s seen her like this a few times before. She’s having a panic attack.

“Oh, darling,” Cady breathes sadly, any trace of anger gone once she sees the state Janis is in. “I’m so sorry.”

Janis reaches for her, so Cady cuddles in by Damian and squishes Janis between them. Elijah waits a little bit away, but in earshot if they need him. Janis doesn’t know him as well and his presence seemed to be making her more upset.

Cady pulls her bag off her back and roots through it, pulling out a water bottle and one of the snacks she brought, Janis’ sunglasses, and her own ear defenders.

“Mpenzi, do you want to try these? You don’t have to, but they help me when I’m overwhelmed,” Cady says lowly, tenderly stroking over Janis’ braid. Janis nods with another burst of sobs, so Cady helps her get the sunglasses on without poking her eyes and gently pops on the headphones. “Deep breaths, love, everything’s okay.”

Janis continues weeping in their embrace, sniffling anxiously every once in a while and clinging to both of her comfort people. Cady usually would offer a calming strategy, but she gets a sense that this time it’s important for Janis to just get it out.

A few people pass by the alley and ask if she’s okay, but Elijah plays bodyguard and sends them on their way again with the assurance that they’re handling it.

Very, very gradually, Janis does calm down. She pulls the headphones down around her neck and tucks the sunglasses into her shirt, reaching for the water and snack.

Cady unscrews the lid and hands it over, but helps her hold it when she sees how violently Janis is still shaking. Janis downs a couple gulps and continues clutching it as she shifts off of Damian and closer to Cady.

“Can I kiss you? Here?” Cady asks, tapping Janis’ forehead. She doesn’t know what triggered this, yet, and she doesn’t want to overstep. But Janis nods, so she pulls her close and peppers kisses against her temple. “You’re okay now, they’re gone.”

Elijah gets a little closer now that Janis is no longer in tears, sitting across the alley against the other wall.

“Did they-did they do anything? To you?” Janis chokes quietly, checking over Cady for any injuries and her face for any hint of sadness. Elijah snorts. “What?”

“Cady cussed their asses out,” Elijah responds. “She went off, even I was scared. They didn’t have a chance to get anything in edgewise.”

“That’s not- not safe,” Janis whispers anxiously. “Wh-why?”

“Shh, darling, I know it was a bad idea,” Cady says, blushing slightly at Elijah’s summation of the events. She just said whatever came to her. “But they hurt you. I’m not gonna let anyone get away with that. Nothing happened, and I won’t do that again.”

Janis looks warily to Damian, who gives her a sad nod. Cady gives a weak grin watching their apparent psychic connection.

“When I was-well. The first-the first time,” Janis begins shakily. “I was-was fourteen. Stupid. I-I made f-fun of them. And-and-and…”

She breaks down again, crying into Cady’s shoulder gently. Damian asks her if he can tell the story for her, and she nods.

“She kind of taunted them. I did too, it was funny for a while,” he says quietly. “But then one of them got really angry. He got them all to yell at us a lot louder, and Janis was obviously still kind of sensitive to the whole d-slur thing. Which they noticed, so they yelled that over and over. And then he threw a rock, and it hit her. She had a bruise for almost a month, it almost broke her arm.”

“Oh god, love,” Cady whispers in sad shock. “I’m so sorry.”

“That guy was arrested, but the rest of them weren’t. And he got out pretty quickly, unfortunately. His church paid his bail,” Damian growls. “We’ve tried to avoid them since.”

“Was he there?” Cady asks him quietly.

“No,” Damian says with a shake of his head. “But it was similar enough to what happened last time. She wasn’t right for a long time after it happened. And it makes sense she’s traumatized a little.”

Cady nods sadly and cuddles her girlfriend closer. It’s so hot, but Janis is crying so hard into her shoulder that she can’t think about anything else.

“Shh, darling, I’m so sorry,” Cady says quietly, rocking her girlfriend from side to side. “You’re safe, I’m safe. All of us are safe, nobody got hurt this time. Everything’s okay, I promise.”

Janis nods gently against her and tries to calm down, matching Cady’s slow, deep breathing as best she can and inhaling her comforting scent of rosewater, cherries, and books. They all mingle in an enchanting aroma around Cady, and Janis can’t get enough.

After another few minutes she stops crying again, and is just sniffling quietly in Cady’s hold.

“Okay?” Cady asks quietly. Janis nods gently again. “Good. Do you want to go fix your makeup or stay here a while longer?”

“You could do both,” Damian shrugs, pulling out a pack of makeup wipes and a few basic products. “What? You never know what you might need.”

“Gay,” Elijah teases. Damian pokes his tongue out at him.

Cady takes a few of the wipes and tenderly swipes the mascara and streaky remnants of a pride flag from Janis’ face. Her lipstick survived, so she leaves that. “Look up, dearest.”

Janis does, so she gently swipes on a new coat of eyeliner and several layers of mascara, as Janis likes it to be. “Thank you.” She says quietly, blinking a few times to get everything in place once Cady finishes.

“You’re welcome,” Cady responds with a kiss to her cheek. “Do you want to go home? You’ve been through it today.”

“No,” Janis replies instantly. “I-I went home last time. I let them get to me. I can’t do it again.”

“Okay,” Cady says. “If you’re sure you’re okay.”

Janis nods and stands up, brushing over her cheeks to try and help any remaining tear tracks fade. Cady, Damian, and Elijah stand as well.

“Oh, hang on a second,” Cady says hastily, taking her bag off again and rooting through it. She pulls out Janis’ pride flag and ties it gently around her neck so she has a cape like the rest of them. “It came off your face. You need another one.”

Janis grins weakly and squeezes her hand, leading them out of the alley and back to the festival.

“Hey,” Cady says quietly as they follow Damian and Elijah back closer to the entrance. Janis looks at her with a questioning hum, still not really in a mood to speak. Cady holds their intertwined hands up. “I love you.” She squeezes Janis’ hand three times, one squeeze for each word.

Janis smiles and leans in for a quick kiss. She looks around anxiously before she does, but the fact that she’s even willing to do so at all is frankly a miracle. “I love you too.” She squeezes Cady back four times, following the same pattern.

Eventually they get close to the area where they had painted the rocks earlier. And Cady gets an idea.

“Darling, will you be okay if I leave for a few minutes? I think I left something back that way,” she says to throw Janis off slightly. Janis pouts but nods and picks up a bit of speed to catch up with Damian. He screams and whirls around when she taps him on the shoulder, and Cady muffles laughter into her hand as she loops around a building and runs over to the booth.

“Oh, hello! Welcome back, are you here to do some more?” The kind lady asks.

“Um, yes, do you have any that are like that one?” Cady asks, pointing to one of the ones she decorated earlier. “And could I maybe keep this one?”

“I’m really not supposed to, but I don’t see why not. Our gardens aren’t that big,” the lady shrugs, handing over a rock of a similar size and shape.

“Thank you!” Cady calls, squeezing out all the colors she’ll need and running to hide from her little group. She copies the design she wants, and grins when it turns out even better this time. The paint dries within ten minutes, so she holds it carefully as she returns her supplies and takes her time returning to Janis.

Once it’s dry enough, she tucks it into her backpack and rejoins her friends and girlfriend.

She finds them by the cupcakes again. Damian seems very pleased with his lemon transgender pride flag one, Elijah got a cookies and cream demisexual one, and Janis seems content with another lesbian pride one since she gets this one all to herself.

“Hey, love,” Cady greets, once again leaning in and taking a small nibble of her cupcake. Janis whines in defeat, but turns to greet her with a smile.

“You’re a thief,” she gripes jokingly, kissing Cady’s cheek.

“A cute thief,” Cady responds.

“You got me there,” Janis chuckles. “Did you find your thing?”

“Yep! All good,” Cady says. “Now you have frosting on your nose.”

Janis scrunches her face up to see, making Cady giggle. She leans in to kiss it off, returning the favor Janis gave earlier.

“Jan, are you done?” Damian asks around the last mouthful of his cupcake. Janis takes the last bite of hers and nods, standing up to throw the wrappers in the nearby bin. Cady sneakily puts their backpack on Janis’ shoulders. She looks at her oddly, but puts her arms through to carry it around.

“Should we leave? I think we’ve done all there is to do,” Elijah says. “And I want ice cream.”

Janis perks up at the mention of ice cream. She’s lactose intolerant, but will be damned if it keeps her from enjoying her favorite cold treat.

“Janis, no,” Cady says. “You get sorbet.” Janis pouts, pulling her own puppy eyes pleadingly. Resist, Cady. “Fine, we’ll stop somewhere and get you your lactose pills.”

Janis thinks for a second before giving a begrudging nod. She’d rather not deal with a stomachache on top of everything else today, maybe her lactose pills are a good compromise.

“Good, come on,” Cady says. Janis shrieks in surprise as she picks her up piggyback style and starts following Damian and Elijah to the gates. “What?”

“When did you get so strong, babe?” Janis asks, clinging to her shoulders as Cady grips her thighs.

“You’re not that heavy, Jay,” Cady chuckles, adjusting her grip slightly. “And I did grow up in Africa. I carried a lot of water around.”

“Are you from Africa, baby, really? I had no idea,” Janis teases.

“I will drop you,” Cady threatens in retaliation. “If you don’t appreciate my services.”

“No, I appreciate them,” Janis says hastily, clinging to her tighter. She rests her chin on Cady’s shoulder and squishes their cheeks together. The rhythm of their steps nearly lulls her to sleep. “‘S nice.”

“Good,” Cady giggles. “You’re so cute.”

“No,” Janis whines, turning her head away to hide her blush. “That’s not how this is supposed to go.”

Cady laughs again. “Well, it’s how it’s going, so I suggest you learn to live with it. I think you’re absolutely adorable.”

“Why?” Janis pouts. “I spent so much time trying to make myself not cute.”

“Because you just are. Your eyes are so big, and you care so much about the people you can be bothered to give a shit about, and the way you stick your tongue out when you try to focus just… hurts me, almost,” Cady says, listing a few things. “And you love cuddles and when I hold you, and you still blush every time I call you Jellybean, and you pout when you get tired, and-“

“Okay, okay,” Janis says desperately, cutting her off so she can calm down. Her face is bright red by this point. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Cady says, depositing her safely just outside the car. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Janis says, leaning in for a kiss.

“Oh my god, get in, losers!” Damian yells far too loudly. Janis and Cady both laugh and slide into the backseat.

————-

“You have an ice cream mustache,” Janis chuckles at her girlfriend once their tasty snack is finished. “Come here.”

Cady reaches for her, and Janis presses their lips together contently, the flavors of chocolate and strawberry mingling on their tongues.

“There,” Janis says once they finally pull back. Damian and Elijah went inside to browse the candy for sale, so she doesn’t have to worry about being scolded for kissing Cady so aggressively.

“Thanks,” Cady giggles. “Oh, I have something for you.”

“Huh?” Janis says confusedly as Cady takes the backpack back from her and starts rooting through it. Cady pulls out her rock and holds it behind her back.

“You have to promise not to laugh at it, I did my best,” Cady demands. Janis nods in confusion and holds her hands out for her gift. Her brows furrow for a split second when Cady drops the stone in them, but she smiles widely when she turns it over to see what it’s been decorated with.

“The rainbow lion,” she says happily, tracing a tender finger over a piece of his mane.

“I went back and made another one for you, the lady let me keep it,” Cady says. “Do you get it?”

“No, I didn’t know there was something to get,” Janis says. Cady sits next to her on the bench and smiles as Janis leans onto her shoulder.

“A group of lions is called a pride,” Cady says quietly. “And you’re in my pride. In more ways than one. I love you, so you’re in my group. And I’m so, so proud of you. For just… being you. And being here. And letting me love you.”

Janis pulls back, and Cady notices her eyes brimming with tears as she suddenly tackles Cady in a tight hug. Cady squeezes her back just as tightly.

“I love you so much,” Janis sniffles. “Thank you.”

“I love you too,” Cady says, stroking down Janis’ braid. “Oh, darling, don’t cry, I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay,” Janis chuckles through her tears. “Good cry this time.”

“Ah, okay,” Cady says, gently rubbing up and down Janis’ back as her girlfriend moves to sit on her lap. The sun is finishing its journey for the day, the stars are just barely visible and the horizon is still bathed in varying shades of pink and orange and purple. “Happy Pride, darling.”

“Happy Pride, Peanut.”

I’m glad I’m in yours.

-

well i’ve had quite a bit of excitement trying to get this posted, so i hope you enjoyed!

requests are still paused, but i am hoping to get them re-opened in the next few weeks. nearly there.

thanks for reading!

lots of love,

ezzy

[queerprayers]

hi!! first of all i just wanted to say i really appreciate your blog (and your instagram too!). your thoughts have provided me great comfort. anytime i see another queer, leftist, christian my heart fills with joy!! i think: ‘oh! there are other people like me!! there are so many wonderful people out here who love God and are accepting and supportive and loving!’ so thank you- for making me feel less alone and for giving me hope. thank you for existing and just being you- it means more than you know (especially as a young (only 15) queer christian). was scrolling through your blog this morning (on holy saturday) and i started crying. i’m not sure why. because i was overwhelmed with love for god? because i am confused about religion and things? idk but it was a weirdly intense feeling- like a cry i needed. anyways, i hope you are having a wonderful day and that your easter is full of love and hope and all the wonderful things!

i did have a few questions for you (i guess they’re questions?? or just asking for your opinion). no pressure to respond btw

1) (i’m a lesbian) and i’m afraid i’ll never find another queer girl who loves God/is christian/is religious who will also love me. i want to have a relationship with someone who not only understands the struggle of being a queer christian, but someone who can help me learn and grow in my faith. i’m just afraid that i’m asking too much and i’ll never find that.

2) i often feel ashamed(?) of being a christian. even though i am one, whenever i hear “christian” i don’t think of very nice and accepting people. i feel like people like you are in the minority(?). and so i almost never talk about my religion or anything because i am afraid people will assume I am homophobic/transphobic/racist/misogynistic/slut shaming. i feel bad for feeling this way though.

3) (last one 😅 ) what is the difference between religion and spirituality? and how can i, as a christian, explore spirituality?

I’m finally answering this so thank you for your patience! I relate so much to that joy of finding someone else like us— it’s exactly what I felt when I discovered queer Christian communities online! I’m so happy that I can give you that comfort and recognition— it’s all I want. I’m sorry I made you cry but I hope it was what you needed and I’m so happy you’re processing and stuff! Being overwhelmed and confused are two emotions I am intensely familiar with. 

I had a lovely Easter, thank you! I hope yours was wonderful as well <3 Thanks for numbering your questions :) This is perfect, and here are some answers/thoughts:

1) I relate! And I’m sure so many others do too! When religion is important in your life, it can be hard to find someone who’s on the same page. And when you’re queer, that adds a whole ‘nother layer, doesn’t it? My last relationship (and my only serious one) is a testament to the fact that there is hope! She was an absolutely lovely lesbian Christian and we talked about faith a lot. She really changed how I thought about faith and even though we’re not together anymore (for tragic backstory/mental health reasons), I still hold close the spiritual growth I went through with her! There are people out there to connect with, even if being queer can be a really lonely experience. I met her through Lex, which is a really cool app. :) Also, we’re both so young! There’s so much beautiful time for us to grow and meet new people, and I have hope for both of us. <3 You know what you want, and you deserve that. Wishing you luck!

2)THIS THIS THIS! Listen, every time I’m in a queer or progressive space, this goes through my mind. And there have been people who’ve assumed I’m all manner of horrible things when they learn I’m Christian! I talked about a similar situation in this ask. Religion is a super hard topic for a lot of minorities, and I always have to remember to respect that anger/trauma, as well as standing up for myself and my beliefs. There are reasons that those stereotypes exist, and also harmful consequences from those stereotypes. A few things: There are a lot more of us than we think. Since I’ve been open about stuff on social media, so many religious people have admitted to me they’re queer, and so many queer people have admitted they’re religious! There are so many people who just don’t talk about one or both of these facets of their identities because of the reception they might get in both religious and queer spaces. You don’t have to feel bad for this. You don’t have to feel bad for not opening up about every part of yourself (especially to strangers/acquaintances). No one has a right to your identities/beliefs! These are things for you to talk about when/if you're comfortable with. That said, the best way to combat these stereotypes about Christianity is to be a Christian and a loving/accepting person. People have told me that I've changed their idea of what being a Christian is, or that they'd never met a "nice" Christian before. Obviously that's a lot of pressure, and not everyone is called to be that representation. But the more openly queer Christians there are in the world, the more we can fight those stereotypes! Go at your own speed, and it might not be till later in your life/journey (or never!) that you become more open, and that's okay. I pray that you encounter accepting people in your life that are open to learning new things about groups of people!

3) Generally, religion is organized/external, and spirituality is informal/internal. So religion tends to based on historical figures and religious texts, with formal rituals and houses of worship, while spirituality tends to be more experience-based and personal, without a set of defined beliefs. Many people describe themselves as "spiritual but not religious," meaning they connect to a faith/practice or have their own personal belief system, but don't go to church/belong to an organized religion. Christianity as an institution and set of beliefs is a religion, but many Christians have some kind of spiritual practice, and some off-sets/teachings within Christianity are spirituality-based (like mysticism). Not all Christians connect with spirituality, though— my dad, for instance, always jokes that he's "religious but not spiritual." There is room for both, though! And I think it's really healthy so have both external and internal sources for your faith.

Ideas for exploring spirituality as a Christian: meditate on scripture, connect with nature, read/research saints who participated in spirituality/mysticism (x), journal

Some resources: The Society for the Study of Christian Spirituality at Johns Hopkins University, "Christian Spirituality and Social Transformation" by Philip Sheldrake, "Christian Spirituality: Theology in Action" by Dr. Alex Tang, Presentations by David Monyak on Christian Spirituality: an Introduction by Alister E. McGrath (1999)

Okay, I think that's everything! Anyone who has anything to add can reply/reblog, and if I've missed anything, feel free to shoot me another ask!

<3 Johanna

[cowboypossume]

so i reread keeper of the lost cities and here’s my fresh input:

a note before we begin: you know how people fake throw up at things on tik tok? this book is the reason i now unironically do that.

dex and fitz really have the enemies to lovers troupe going for them and i’m ok with it. i really am.

so do sophie and biana at the beginning but it fizzes out so a better description is enimies to friends to lovers

marhella and stina give me such power top energy i cannot express how much i think that contributes to people not liking them

speaking of stina i wish sophie didn’t just immediately hop onto the bandwagon of “oh she’s evil” without investing further, especially with how much she is written as a ‘good’ person (which i can and will defend to the day i die that good people don’t exist but that’s for a different day).

there’s way too much heteronormativity and Patriarchical Ideas mushed into the book. like three hole pages of a 488 page book of teenagers being like “oooooo girls like guys and guys like girls” only for della to join in. not to mention the amount of times keefe is the reason for those ideas because he’s teasing like “oh fitz has a girlfriend”

keefe and fitz didn’t have as many bonding moments™️ in this book as i remember, but they stil know each other really well, have comfortability around each other, and would make a 10/10 best friends to lovers troupe.

oh my god s o many crushes i swear. like two teenagers of the opposite gender really can’t not like each other apperantly

i miss read a line and really thought there was cannon sexism for me to do a whole ass rant about in the notes part of my analyzation but n o p e

but we do have classism, sexist stereotypes, and the fact that there’s been SO many characters who’ve spoken and ✨🌺far too many of them are white🌺✨

oh also: no ones disabled. which annoys me because their society is described as ‘euptopic’ almost implying that it’s something that makes people problematic, which,,,, no

ok a side note on the society, i understand that the story’s message (kinda) is that things that seem perfect are probably deeply flawed, but something tergan said stuck with me. on a page i can’t remember at the moment he says something like “[the black swan exists] in a society that doesn’t have rebels”, which it suck with me bc that’s boarderline dystopic if it’s not there already. it’s one thing for laws not to be broken, but when you think your society is so perfect despite it having obvious flaws and you think that no one rebels, then i really hate to break it to you, you have a massive rebellion about to occur; it’s just scented as foul under your resplendent nose.

please stop flirting. i get its part of teenagers being teens but i swear if i read “s/he realeased a breath” or “their heart fluttered” or literally ANYTHING like that god no.

yall. i missed dex. he actually has more role in this book than ‘you can gadget and we need one’ and oh boy i really missed him. he’s a BEAN and deserves better.

hole’s said everyone deserves better and i absolutely agree so we’re adding that note here.

if you do what i did and read this book out loud to one of your best friends who has no clue anything about this weird fandom and give fitz a really deep voice for no reason it’s comdy GOLD.

i really think i’m reading too much into this point but iggy seems,,,, symbolic to me?

like ok with humans, sophie didn’t ‘fit in’, right? like she grew up hearing things like “why can’t you be normal like your sister” (which i can do a whole other rant about how that will affect her for the rest of her life just a s k)

not to mention looking really different from her family and graduating high school at age twelve 

but you know who never judged her?

m a r t y

so anyway sophie meets this teal-eyed, movie star smiled wonder boy who takes away her entire knowledge of everything she’s known while taking away her family too

and it turns out even in a place of weirdos she still manages to be the exception to everything

and she doesn’t have the comfort to hear what people are really thinking about her anymore (which as i said before say the word and i’ll deadass write a whole speech about how everything she heard will completely fuck up every relationship she has) which unfortunately means that she grew used to confirming people didn’t like her but now she doesn’t have that

she has to adapt to this new space and feel like she’s always felt, like an outcast in a place that was accepting, but yet again, she the exception to everything

but about halfway through the book she starts to become more comfortable around grady and edaline and that’s when iggy comes in

she finds him while cleaning garbage, and grady compliments her. they have a bonding moment and it’s because of this t h i n g. and then sophie actually feels proud not only does she take up a room, but she did something

and her new parents are proud of her

so she finally feels like she BELONGS because she helped out at the place where she lives/they work

to me it seems iggy is kinda a manifesto of the world building and character development that happens in this book

i think the plot/character arc is fixated a little too much on how different sophie is. like, i get it, she’s exception to everything, but the plot really didn’t need her to be that quirky. yes, she’s different, but there’s a lot more to the plot and her character than how different she is.

also, i had to reread pages a lot bc i needed an exact paragraph number and,,,, it’s really paced like a fanfic

some questions i have about the society is:

it’s established that they use books, physical papers, etc., and the only thing i remember about trees is the speech alden gave her about how she doesn’t know the name of their most popular tree, and the fact that people become trees when they die. even then i don’t think the second one is in this book. never o n c e do i remember something about planting trees that aren’t dead elf’s, so do they feel the affects of deforestation and that jazz?? like if they use trees, will they run out of them? can they??? and do they use the coffins of elf’s for paper??

this is more of a rant than a question, but here it goes anyway. in foxfire, students have a testing system very similar to the one in america: a huge test at the end of the year determines the future of a student. that in of itself doesn’t sound too drastic, right? well,,,,, not necessarily. several studies have shown that tests in general, but especially these types, don’t work. despite how good or bad of a teacher i think my past and current teachers have been, every single one of them hates this system that we have in place. they know it’s an unfair assessment that does it’s damnist to make you fail, and they’re trying so hard to denounce it. however, that doesn’t happen at all in the lost cities. in fact, most of the teachers pride themselves on failing students. so if elf’s are in such an advanced society, why do tests still exist? especially in an environment where the consequences are far greater than just staying back a grade. 

so sophie’s figuring out that major problems exist in the world the elf’s created, right? i wonder if more society structured problems exist more than ‘oh bad people do things and the law justifies which is what’. like, as i’ve previously stated, there’s sexist stereotypes presented (like girls like dresses and guys don’t), but does sexism still exist? does racism exist? it’s established that poverty isn’t a thing because of the fund elf’s have at birth and their limited usage of money (which if you understand please explain bc i don’t really get how they buy stuff but still don’t use money) but if someone gets shipped off to exile, do they lose their money? is it possible for elf’s to starve to death because they can’t afford food? do they pay for food?? if they did starve who would they call? because someone on this website, who’s post i tried to find but i couldn’t so if y’all know what i’m talking about please link it, brought up a good point that elwin is a school physician, he shouldn’t be dealing with the near-death experiences sophie has, so who would they turn to? especially if they don’t have access to foxfire because they got exciled??

is therapy a thing in this world? sophie and dex could really benefit from it, yet mental health has only been brought up when someone went insane, which REALLY shows how little they think about it.

that perfectly transitions into my next point: sophie and dex’s trauma. i really don’t get the vibe that there was much thought going into their kidnapping, other than sophie needed something to trigger her inflecting ability and establish the black swan are on the good side, which really sucks because wow trauma doesn’t happen lightly. and the fact that it happened seems rushed to me, but i’ll come back to that. but anyway, their trauma doesn’t get developed that deeply in this book because it wasn’t given the space to. they were beaten, tortured, starved, gagged, and who even knows what else for t e n d a y s, only for them to find them again, repeat the process, but someone saves them and dumps them into an illegal city and they both nearly die from dehydration, coldness, and lack of concentration, and you’re telling me after three days of conscious of bed rest sophie wants to get her failing out of school over with? ma’am, it takes more time than that to adjust to THAT alone, not to mention the realization that “hey your entire life is fake because people genetically altered you to be their weapon in a war so much bigger than yourself” that was recently dumped on her. like,,,, you really expect me to think that three days is what made her feel prepared and CONFIDENT? no sir. i don’t buy it.

coming back to it being rushed: the book starts out slow and then really hits the ground running and doesn’t stop. so much more stuff happens in the second half of the book than the first and it never gets fully developed it feels like. in the first half sophie moves away but gets a new family and struggles a bit but adapts, fires maybe but hey don’t worry about it, dex hates fitz, fitz is ✨d r e a m y ✨ but our main girl doesn’t like him like that, right?, stina’s a bitch, and sophie is a quirky girl and telepath but can’t tell anyone. pretty basic stuff, not too plot intensive. the second half though: sophie almost fails her midterms but doesn’t, grady and elaine want to unadopt her (which that’s never really explained as to why they do that but ok) fires exist in san degio but they’re fine but they’re actually a rebel elf so..., sophie accidentally breaks a law but it was an accident so it’s fine, update on the fires: sophie burns herself trying to get the evidence that it’s a rebel elf and it works, she’s the moon lark and basically a weapon bc no one knows her well enough to evaluate her safety, sophie and dex get kidnapped but fitz can now transmit to her and she has two new abilities so it’s all good, trauma doesn’t exist except for nightmare you can fix with sedatives, sophie doesn’t fail out of school, and yayyy her family doesn’t want her remove their adoption. there’s probably a lot more that i missed, it’s just that’s a LOT of stuff crammed into a little bit further than the second half of the book that really could have been devolped or explore further instead of forcing into less than 244 pages, ya know?

fitz’s eyes are mentioned seven times, the first time being on page TWO of the novel

his smile is mentioned three times

alden says “no reason to worry” five times, he writes it once, and sophie points out he says it a lot so he chances it slightly to something like ‘don’t stress about it’ so i didn’t count those though i should have

speaking of alden, in this book he’s absolutely creepy, but something that stands out to me is how much he calls sophie girl. i didn’t count it, but he said “that’s a good girl” to sophie too many times for it to be normal especially when you consider how he doesn’t do it to anyone else.

i kinda forgot i was annotating for sophie’s anxious habit of pulling out her eyelashes so i got she did it twice, but i highly doubt that number

but i will keep adding to this when i actually do the words with my annotations.

[andcurioser]

So. Let’s talk about Veronica Mars. *deeeeeeeep sigh*

Ok, friends. It’s been a goddamn whirlwind for me. I actually went to the Veronica Mars panel at Comic Con, which I thought was a highlight at the time. They screened the first episode before the panel, and I was all ready to report back to you all that it was real good and to get excited for the new season, but then Hulu had to go and drop the whole damn series during the CC panel, which was a STUPID thing to do (or, at the very least, an extremely stupid thing to announce to the panel at Comic Con - the exact people who would not be able to watch it until after Comic Con, putting them at risk for some really big fucking spoilers. It’s genuinely surprising to me how little the people who are in charge think about these things. If you want to do a surprise drop (which, why, but whatever), sure, go and do it, but definitely don’t announce it to a room full of people who can’t enjoy it and expect them to be excited??). But regardless. That was just a wtf moment. I was still filled with enthusiasm and excitement and happiness that this show was back and seemed to be in good form. 

Oy. 

Cut to Tuesday morning. I got back from Comic Con on Sunday night, and life goes on, so of course I hadn’t watched 8 hours of TV by Tuesday at 7AM. Which is precisely when my dear friend, whom I adore, but who is apparently an idiot, texted me about how terrible that VM ending was and how upset she was. Now, because I’m a good friend and I know what she likes and we’ve discussed VM at length, it took me all of four seconds to know the gist of what happens in the end. I didn’t know the how or why, but I certainly knew the what. Cue fun spikes of anxiety and random bursts of rage, because what the fuck. Truly, what the fuck. But I placed my certainty at 99% and hopelessly clung to the 1% chance that I was wrong, knowing full well that I wasn’t. This obviously completely stymied any excitement I had for the show, and I dragged my heels for a full month before finally finishing the goddamn show just to get it over with. And now we’re here. 

I’ve had a month to ready myself for what I knew was coming. It was both a blessing and a curse, since while it pretty thoroughly ruined my good time, it also meant that I wasn’t totally blindsided by that ending. And man, I would have been blindsided, because there was Z E R O reason for that. None. And now I’ve read all the articles in which Rob Thomas tries to explain his reasons, and they’re all nonsense. Absolute idiocy. All I see is a guy who always, always resented the fans for loving a character he didn’t want us to, who tried and tried to redirect us to one of his preferred creations without success, and just when I thought he’d finally accepted defeat, he pulls the most nonsensical of fuckery just to finally win the battle. Fuck you, RT, forever and always. I can’t fucking believe that I allowed myself to think you’d finally seen the light. What a ridiculous fool I was for giving him the benefit of the doubt. 

Since I knew what was coming, I could look for the signs all throughout the season. So I searched for foreshadowing, or at least a narrative through-line. And let me tell you: there isn’t one. The season finally, rightfully seems to address Veronica’s deep-set trauma and trust issues but treats them like a problem and not a secret superpower, and it seemed like the show might expect Veronica to grow up along with the viewers who’ve aged 15 years since the first season? I was excited to finally have Veronica be the problem in a relationship, frankly. It was hinted at with Piz, but glossed over because there was only so much time in the movie, but it was realistic for her to have some trouble adjusting to a long-term, committed relationship, and I was excited to see that journey! I thought it was such an interesting path to go down, watching Veronica grapple with what she wants (or maybe just thinks she wants) vs. what she’s always known, or thought she knows. Lots of stuff there! Good stuff! And you get all the way to the end, when she’s finally decided to try. It isn’t fixed, it isn’t perfectly, she’s definitely got a long way to go, but she’s taken a few tentative steps into an uncertain future. And all of a sudden, quite literally, boom. It’s all gone. 

Listen. I was never going to be a fan of getting rid of Logan. However they chose to do it, it would always feel wrong. I have never trusted Rob Thomas to handle Logan well, because he’s always had this undercurrent of anger in every interview I’ve read, this frustration that people love and respond to Logan when he wanted them to love Duncan! Then Piz! Then anyone else! His creations took on a life of their own, and RT hated it. RT was one of the ultimate examples of writers/show runners who were simply watching a completely different show than the rest of us. I could never understand how he wrote such interesting stuff for Logan but didn’t want us to root for him. It never made any sense. But I didn’t think he would sabotage his own show this thoroughly. 

Because here’s the thing: I was never going to like him getting rid of Logan, but I could have understood it. I could have gone along with it if it had been done right. Frankly, the way it was building, it wouldn’t have been a surprise, nor would it even have been a bad choice, to have Logan break up with Veronica at the end of the season. And if RT couldn’t handle Veronica not being the aggressor, fine, make Veronica do it. She decides she isn’t willing to put in the work to change that Logan needs from her, and she ends it. Fine. Could work, at least for a few seasons. Let her deal with the loss, knowing it was something she chose, and see how it affects her priorities as she continues on. Certainly could be interesting! 

You know what isn’t interesting? This. This is the only - the ONLY - plotline that’s a watered down repeat of a previous story. Veronica Mars, traumatized and hardened by the shocking loss of someone close to her? Quite literally, been there, done that. I know RT has been trying to recapture the magic of season one for every season and iteration since, but just repeating the storyline? Really, really missing the mark. There isn’t anything new that can be added to this. We’ve done this. This will only ever be a pale imitation, a tacked-on sequel hitting the same beats with less force. Lilly was a fantastic inciting incident that yielded a tight, well-thought-out season arc. But why would we want to start over 15 years later? What’s to be gained from this? Literally ANY other ending would have yielded multiple storytelling options, branching out with so many possibilities on where the characters could go. This is the only one that simply slams doors shut. 

The few supporters of this ending I’ve seen around the interwebs keep saying things like “this show wouldn’t work if Veronica was happy!” Hell, Rob Thomas is saying the same thing. And to that idiocy, I can only say 1. of course it would, if you write it well, dumbass, and 2. if you think Veronica getting married immediately = happiness, well, what the hell show were you watching? The marriage, much as it could represent a step forward, was still VERY CLEARLY a huge, impulsive jump that was more a reaction than a measured decision. And that was something I was looking forward to seeing. Fresh off of a near-death experience and a renewed assurance of her love for Logan, Veronica marries him thinking that’s the end of their troubles, only to realize that it’s just another complication. Now Veronica has to deal with the new experience of having no quick exit strategy. All the problems they had throughout the season still exist, thinly covered by the veil of newlywed bliss, and she has to reconcile her happiness with her frustration and uncertainty. Logan still disappears at the drop of a hat because of his job. She still puts herself in danger for the case and uses loved ones and acquaintances alike to her full advantage. They hide things from each other. They love fiercely, they trust the other with their own lives but can’t trust each other to take care of themselves. Doesn’t this sound like a complicated, tumultuous relationship full of narrative possibilities? 

Well, forget it, because why break new ground when you could retread old storylines? Yeah, that’s what we all want. Great job, RT. So smart. 

Something that keeps bothering me is that if RT didn’t want Logan around as the happy husband at home but didn’t want to write more relationship drama between them? He already had the perfect excuse to ship Logan off for entire seasons at a time. Look, Logan’s deployed, oh no, he can’t even skype, he’s undercover! Cool, problem solved. No more Logan, but in a way that still maintains possibilities for the future should we want them. Ideal. Again, options. All you want are places for your narrative to go. Multiple roads it could take so it doesn’t become predictable. 

This is predictable. This is boring. This is trite. Our heroes, struck down in their highest moment of happiness. Holy fuck, it’s dull. It doesn’t feel edgy. It feels derivative, a tired rehash of a narrative structure that should have gone out of vogue ten years ago. The whole thing just exhausts me at this point. 

And I’ve read Rob Thomas’s justification for why he did it. They’re all flimsy, but if he wants to go do a Sherlock-style, Ms. Marple mystery series, flitting in and out as he pleases, fine. It won’t be the worst show in the world. Veronica’s still a fun and interesting character, and I’ll always enjoy watching her. But removing her from Neptune, and more importantly, removing her from all of her meaningful relationships, takes away what made this show special. The new version RT is pitching could be fun enough. But it’ll still be just one in a long, long line of mystery shows that don’t have much claim to my emotional investment. I might watch, but I’ll forget about it the second it’s over. It certainly won’t be the kind of show with a fanbase that will still be interested in watching more 15 years from now. Rob Thomas won’t be getting one of those again. 

So yeah, that’s that. I have much more to say, but really I just wanted to get this rant out so I can put it all behind me. I learned long ago that I can’t trust shows and showrunners, and it’s a lesson I learned partly, if significantly, from Rob Thomas. I suppose it’s on me for letting my guard down, but I guess my hope got grandfathered in from an age when I didn’t immediately mistrust the things that were supposed to make me happy. I’ll know better next time. 

[sweetvixen1996]

Two things I really appreciate about the subplot about Richie’s sexuality:

1) He’s an older, less conventionally attractive man.

Most modern media storylines that deal with a character coming to terms with his sexuality feature young, pretty people and while this is no doubt a good thing, don’t get me wrong, there are many 40ish and above adults who’ve live so much of their lives unable to accept themselves. These people grew up in an even more unaccepting time and so I can only imagine how much it could mean to see someone their own age going through the same struggle.

Also, don’t get me wrong, Bill Hader is a dish in his own right but compared to James McAvoy, Jay Ryan, and Isaiah Mustafa -the freaking Old Spice guy!- he’s undoubtly the most normal looking male cast member, at least to me.

2) There is no scene of him actually coming out to the Losers Club.

I was waiting for a scene where he confesses to the other Losers about his sexuality and was sure it was going to happen when they were hugging him at the Quarry but when it didn’t I’ll admit to being slightly disappointed. However, after mulling it over for a while I’ve come to realize why this choice was made and appreciate it.

By the end of the film Richie has only now begun to accept his sexuality himself so it makes complete sense that he’d not be ready to tell others, even though the Losers would never judge him and probably alright suspect it. It’s very intentional that Stan’s voice over says, “be proud,” over the shot of Richie touching up the R+E carving on the bridge. Richie is ready to be who is now and one will be ready to tell his friends and maybe one day be ready to tell the world, but not right now and that’s okay.

[datleggy]

a list of every anime i love/recommend, accumulated over the last 10+ years

1. NATSUME YUUJINCHOU 

SUMMARY/REVIEW: 

The main character is a teenage boy named Natsume, whose parents died when he was too young to remember them properly. He’s passed around random relatives homes, but because he can see yokai (spirits), he’s ostracized by classmates and his foster families (ALL HIS CHILDHOOD FLASHBACKS ARE SO FUCKING SAD) and eventually very distant relatives (an older couple who never had kids of their own and have so much goddamn love to give D:!!!) take Natsume in, and the story basically starts from there. 

It’s a very heart-warming story following Natsume’s new life in this new town, accepting his ability to see yokai, forging new relationships in the form of friends and family, and even with the yokai themselves. 

This is honestly probably my favorite anime/manga period, because it’s so sad but so cathartic and you watch as the main character grows and learns to trust those around him, and finally gets the unconditional love he’s always deserved, not to MENTION THE FACT THAT THEY DO A WHOLE EP WHERE NATSUME IS TURNED BACK INTO A LITTLE KID AND IT IS SOOOO GOOD OMG

Plus for those of you who enjoy whump, this show has a decent amount of it. Mainly emotional whump, but also some episodes where Natsume is injured or sick--as well as I believe one where his companion (the chubby cat on his shoulder who’s actually a pretty badass yokai) gets shot with an arrow and is down for the count. 

10/10 would and have watched again. 

2. KODOCHA NO OMOCHA 

SUMMARY/REVIEW:  The main character is a sixth grader named Sana. She’s a gifted actress on a t.v. show everyone likes and she’s silly and fun, very intuitive and surprisingly empathetic for a child. 

Her main problem is in school, where Akito, who she deems the leader of her class’ wolf pack of rowdy rude boys, lets them terrorize not just the teacher, but all the girls in class, as well. 

I don’t really want to give a lot away, so I’ll just state the obvious. This anime/manga is shoujo, which means that it does focus on a romantic relationship throughout the series. Mainly the one between Sana and Akito. Sana is absolutely oblivious about her own feelings, while Akito is a stubborn little shit. 

I remember watching this at like, age 12 maybe? And I really enjoyed it because (although I do enjoy your typical silly doesn’t take itself too seriously slice of life shoujo) this particular anime, while super funny and light hearted at times, was also really dramatic and even kinda dark, which was surprising considering the characters ages and the general kid-friendly vibe (especially the opening for the anime). 

3. DETECTIVE CONAN

SUMMARY/REVIEW:  Our main character is initially Shinichi Kudo, teenage detective, who’s on a date with childhood sweetheart Ran (whose father also happens to a detective but like....not a good one lmao), when his nosy ass self decides to go and check out some shady business and gets “poisoned”. 

The poison he’s given is intended to kill him, but what it actually does is turn him back into a child. And now, as Conan Edogawa, (who’s 7 but like....we just supposed to believe all these cops and detectives on the force are cool with a seven year old wee lil babe on these really gruesome ass crime scenes??? lmaoooo) we follow him on his adventures as he solves crimes and tries to solve the biggest mystery of all, his own! 

I absolutely LOVE this anime/manga, even though I’ll be honest, there is SO MUCH FILLER, but I like the characters enough that I really don’t mind. The show is at least 900+ episodes in at this point, and there are a total of 26 movies so far, last time I checked. 

Also, the show is a whump fangirls’ dream come true. The main character is thrown out of windows, balconies, shot at, and in one occasion actually shot, he’s had broken bones, sprains, almost been blown up or drowned/burned, been sick, and oh, his occasional transformations from child to teenager are incredibly painful. 

This show is probably at fault for my love of whump, since it was one of my first animes at like, age 9. smh. 

4. THE DEVIL IS A PART-TIMER!

REVIEW:

I’m not even going to summarize this one. The title does it for me. This is truly one of the funniest animes I’ve ever seen. Motherfuckin Satan works at a McDonalds part time and it is the BEST. 

Technically I would count this show as a kind of harem, but only because there are like three main girl characters after the overlord Satan himself. I usually dislike harem type animes but the way this is done is sooooo good I couldn’t resist. 

I would watch a million filler episodes of Satan trying to solve problems at his minimum wage job tbh. I love every single character, I love the plot, I love everything about this anime! In terms of comedy (with the occasional plot driven serious moments) this is IT bro. 

5. BLACK BUTLER

SUMMARY/REVIEW: 

The main character is Ciel Phantomhive (roughly 14 years old). His parents are killed, his house is burned to ashes, and he’s kidnapped (around age 9 or 10 I believe) and abused. During this abuse Ciel calls upon a demon to free him and help him get revenge on those who harmed the Phantomhive household, which is where Sebastian, one “hell of a good butler” comes in. 

We then follow Ciel and Sebastian on their path of vengeance, and along the way we meet Ciel’s human servants, three very clumsy and seemingly bad at their given tasks characters (i love them all), and some of his extended relatives and connections. 

My favorite thing about Black Butler is the art, both in the anime and manga. Everything is so detailed and pretty! 

The characters are interesting, the plot is dark but they manage to make most of the series overall pretty light-hearted and funny in general. Though of course there are chapters/parts of the series that get really grim (which duh, the whole thing focuses on revenge so...) 

I have to say, the arc I enjoyed the most has to be the movie, Black Butler: Book Of the Atlantic. It is beautifully drawn and sooooooo entertaining. 

6. INUYASHA 

SUMMARY/REVIEW: 

Our main characters are Inuyasha, a half-demon, who’s been in a sort of spiritually binding coma for the last few decades, and fourteen year old Kagome, who falls into an old well in her family’s shrine and finds herself being transported into another time period. 

Together, she and Inuyasha travel across the lands in the feudal era to find the scattered shards of the shikon jewel, a powerful jewel which grants anyone who possesses it ultimate power. 

I was too young to stay up and watch Inuyasha on adult swim, so my mom would tape the show on a VCR for me to watch the next day after school--yes, I’m old old. lmaoooo I ADORE this show. 

It’s so good! It’s got everything! A tortured lil half-demon with a sad past who’s stubborn and rude but got a good heart! A fierce and equally as stubborn main protagonist, who’s whole ass family knows exactly where she goes off to??? and are supportive af????? like???? her mama packs her and her squad of demon/exorcist/demon hunter pals bentos?!?! lmao i love it. 

The characters are awesome and funny and likable as all heck, and of course they all have their sad backstory, but like, unlike some animes (lookin at YOU Naruto) they don’t go mega overboard on it, at least not without some plot behind the episode. 

7. YU YU HAKUSHO 

SUMMARY/REVIEW: 

Before I even start in on the summary, ya’ll should watch this soley bc of the cute ass 90′s style animation alone. LOOK AT ALL THAT SHINY HAIR!

ANYWAY. Main character is teenage hooligan and overall cutie pie Yusuke! He gets struck by a car and fucking DIES in the first episode after shoving a little boy out of the way, only to end up in the spirit world where the head honcho up there (who looks like a wee baby) tells him “Oh shit, didn’t expect you to like, actually do anything self-sacrificing EVER so like, you’re not on our list of people who were supposed to die today...” 

And uh, I don’t wanna give anything away, so I’m just gonna say that if you haven’t seen this anime yet, you definitely should! It’s hilarious and dramatic, the fight scenes are very well done, all the side characters, who eventually become main characters are a blessing (specifically Hiei, who’ve I’ve had a crush on since I was 12) and the ending is a satisfying one, which you can’t really say for a lot of media. 

8. CHRONO CRUSADE 

SUMMARY/REVIEW: 

I still get weepy when I think of this anime, so all I’ll say is it’s about a badass demon slaying nurse and her demon companion and some very tragic shit. 

It’s a great anime overall, especially if you like crying yourself to sleep at night :) 

9. GHOST HUNT

SUMMARY/REVIEW: 

The main character is high school student Mai, who is hired by Naru, the head of a Shibuya psychic research, and together, with a group of questionable exorcists/psychics, they encounter paranormal phenomenons and some outright scary shit. 

I’m not really a fan of the horror genre tbh but I do like mystery, and the series deals with that quite a bit. They deal with each case for several episodes so nothing feels too rushed. 

The series is really fun in a creepy, wtf is that way. I recommend the manga, only because it’s more detailed in terms of plot than the anime. 

10. ASSASSINATION CLASSROOM 

SUMMARY/REVIEW: 

I didn’t really make this list in any particular order but if I had to say, Assassination Classroom and Natsume Yuujinchou probably tie for BEST ANIME PERIOD! 

This anime is about a weird ass “alien” creature, no one knows where it came from or why tf it’s here on earth, all they know is that in one year it’s threatened to blow the world up. 

His only request to the government is that they let him become a teacher for Class E, the worst class of Kunugigaoka Junior High School, and he will stay put, so that they can attempt an assassination on him during this one year period. 

AND LISTEN! I am a shallow hoe, so I literally never would have read this manga or watched the series had I not been roaming Barnes and Noble one day with my S.O. and picked it up to read as a JOKE! 

I was hooked after the first chapter and I am soooooooo glad I picked this manga up, bc it is absolutely not the type I would normally go for, cover art wise. I finally, after many many years, learned not to judge a book by its cover bc LORD this anime is so goddamn good, you don’t understand! Like, I’ve watched it so many times and still laugh at the same parts, cry at the same parts, am proud af at the same parts! like, this anime is an instant classic and should definitely be more popular than it is. 

assassination classroom and natsume yuujinchou????? MASTERPIECES! 

[grcndel]

3, 8, 11, 16!

what current rp trend do you hate?

f o r m a t t i n g             w o r d s          l i k e          t h i s                            FOR                                              n o             R  E  A  S  O N .

please.  god.  i cannot fucking  READ  that shit.

name three things about the rpc that bother you.

people who unironically use the word  “anti”  to describe anyone with a basic moral code popping up fucking everywhere, to the point where they get recommended to me and i get literal fucking pedophilia shoved in my face by tumblr’s bizarrely poorly coded  ‘picked for you!’  system.

the glaring, obvious hatred of and disregard for characters of color, old characters, characters with strong cultural influences that aren’t easily digested / dumbed down / fetishized, disabled characters, gay characters that either aren’t marketable basic shipbait or who won’t waver on the fact that they’re gay, mentally ill characters who aren’t concentrated into Edgy Aesthetics and nothing else, characters who are women, trans characters, characters who aren’t cis skinny white people in their 20s  …  i could truly Go On

this new trend of people erasing or coloring over the word  “gay”  in posts marketed towards the rpc and writing  “bi”  over it.  this happens everywhere, but i notice people getting away with it a whole lot more in the rpc.  gay erasure isn’t bi representation, guys, it’s  …  it’s Just Homophobia;  sorry to say.  gay people HCing characters with ambiguous sexualities isn’t bi erasure, and attacking gay people for doing so isn’t bi rep, either, it’s still  …  just  …  homophobia.  make your own posts, stop talking over us, and let us have some characters that are ours.

what do you know now about rp that you wish you knew when you first started?

people aren’t going to mesh with you or your character all the time.  it’s actually pretty rare that you vibe well enough with someone to become their friend, much less their writing partner, in any genuine sense of the word.  cut out toxic partners quickly, don’t let clingy people take advantage of you, and accept that you aren’t always going to be liked.  there’s nothing wrong with that.  stick with the small group of people who truly love you and care about what you’re doing.  you don’t need popularity to be happy, here  –  you just need a small handful of really good pals.

if you could change one thing about rp on tumblr, what would it be?  why?

it’s not rp i would change;  it’s the rpc.  i want people to shirk the black and white thinking patterns and cancel culture that’s become so rampant in even our tiny social media community.  i want people to think more critically  –  not only about who they’re interacting with, but about what they write and, more importantly, how they write it.  i want people to think harder about why they’re so passive about certain things, why they defend them, why they think they’re okay  –  and i also want people to think harder about why they’re so ecstatic to beat down and ostracize people who’ve made mistakes in the past when those people are clearly willing to improve upon themselves.  this is a critique of social media attitudes in general, but it’s especially bad in the rpc because the rpc is a place wherein we open our creative work to the world  –  it adds an extra layer to both sides of a very prevalent issue.  overall, i just  …  want us to respect each other a lot more than we fucking do.  tumblr rp is Really, Really bad about that.

[kadehd-blog]

it's just like any other online business

It's just like any other online business, really.Studio 20 is the largest studio webcam franchise in the world. It's easy enough to read up on pointers from veterans.Except that in the bright morning sunlight, their heavy makeup, sky-high heels and shiny, revealing clothes contrast with the sensible, summer dress of passers-by.It's so different if you're really shy and timid and quiet about it. That's about sixteen times her state minimum wage, and she doesn't have to leave her bedroom. Maybe a friend suggested you try it out. Each network will ask you to fill out a brief bit of biographical information — list your interests, and try to sound fun — and then check a box or pull down a menu saying that you're 18 or above. Your mindset is what matters in this job. One had a wife who insulted her constantly. If you have a problem and you go to the police about it, most of the time they'll just say well, you're asking for it, which is not acceptable. Plenty are willing — particularly Americans, who for whatever reasons (Anna chalks it up to a sort of cultural shamelessness), are more "generous" than Europeans, and more likely to buy into the act — and pay for the privilege of watching something interactive.Your boss is going to fuck you over or you don't get paid, right? It's the same. The coach trained me on how to respond to different fetish requests, what to wear, how to do my makeup, how to pose, how to use the equipment, and just how to interact with clients in general.

She had to work, almost every day, on strict, long, tiring shifts, doing the same performances over and over and over again. When I dance, I feel like I have found liberation in the free expression of my sexuality, in a world that usually tells me to be ashamed of my body. A girl who does this doesn't deserve to have respect — that's just the mentality. Now she works in sex work prevention - talking to young women about her experiences, and trying to persuade them of the danger of video chat.Five days of camming per month allow her to match the Romanian per capita income of roughly $US12,000 per year with a minuscule fraction of the labour. And that is not to say that there haven’t been bad times, like in any job. It’s not like she’s drastically different, but there’s a version of herself that she shares with people while shes at work in the same way that an actress would go on a talk show and be the sweeter, funnier, more engaged version of herself. But we sell our souls for money all the time, why not our body? Why wouldn't you have a bit of sexual fun at the same time?That's never OK, but the rest of the time, occasional criminals aside, the job sounds downright leisurely.All he wrote was get naked. They work 40 hour weeks and often pay the studio 50 percent of their income. She finished her degree while being a cam girl and was also accepted into grad school. The curvy 21-year-old from Queensland says 'you can't just sit there, look pretty and take your clothes off,' – that customers want someone who is real, who they can form a relationship with. When one studio boss lost all of his money and had to move in with a friend, Anna had to go along, having lost her room, board and virtually all of her possessions.

While the members sometimes try to push her to do things she doesn't want to do, she is able to set the pace.I want to be passionate and headstrong but I want others to know that I feel too.This comes off as somewhere between cynicism and naive denial, but the fact that she knows of any girls at all who've raped and beaten suggests that it is, at the very least, a real occupational hazard.Its a shame that women are continuously told not to express themselves for fear of judgment and labeling. Lana is a graduate who worked in real estate until the global economic crash of 2008 plunged Romania into recession. At least with webcamming, I work for myself and I can choose how much I earned, and if nobody wanted to pay me that [amount], they wouldn't come to me.When I first left university, I went freelance straight away and didnt quite realise how hard it was to get regular work. Lana is a graduate who worked in real estate until the global economic crash of 2008 plunged Romania into recession. And here it is: When I am working, I am portraying a sexual stereotype, but how I am using that stereotype is a point of difference. The massive LiveJasmin would have you believe it's owned by "Gestao e Investimentos, Lda", a company based in an autonomous region of Portugal — and has a host of fraud complaints lodged against one of its subsidiaries. "You have 10 minutes of being cute and sexy, and then you better have something to talk about because otherwise the member will not stay," says Andra Chirnogeanu, Studio 20's PR manager. Domino has it pretty good — an American with ample property and a cushy career based on sex she enjoys. There is a wardrobe containing some of her clothes.I told a guy about what I do and he was like I don't agree with porn.

CONTINUED BELOW...

[mateov1rtuoso-blog]

No, this isn't what they

No, this isn't what they want to do forever. Granted, there might be some cam models who want to do this for life, but she says that's not the case for her. She finished her degree while being a cam girl and was also accepted into grad school. Camming helped her pay her bills so she didn't need to take out a loan, but she says "I realise [sic] I wont be in my twenties forever. I'll need to work a 'real' job. And I will :) Wearing clothes.Domino has it pretty good — an American with ample property and a cushy career based on sex she enjoys. Not everyone is Domino.If you've looked at porn online (which we pretty much all have), you've likely been propositioned by advertisements for cam girl networks. They invade your peripheral vision; they pop up behind your window. The women wait for you to start staring, and, just when you're interested, they hit you up for money. You've seen them sitting at their keyboards, wearing barely anything, winking at you, typing to nobody in particular with thin, lethargic arms: bored and conventionally beautiful. The ads, with flirty video that might be live or recorded years ago, shout at you with promises of "Live Sex Chat" and "Sex Shows", with both amateurs and "pornstars" alike. It's a web red light district, and unlike some gaudy Dutch strip or seedy sidewalk, you're completely anonymous. The sex comes to you.One thing that I admittedly dont have control over, proven by the phone conversation that spurred me to write this piece, is the judgment that others will cast on my when they know that I do for money. Even those who know that as well as dancing, I am a student and hold a day job in retail. Its a shame that women are continuously told not to express themselves for fear of judgment and labeling. Why are we told that there are good girls and there are whores? In my life, I want to embrace every aspect that comes with being a woman. I want to be sexy and intelligent. I want to be passionate and headstrong but I want others to know that I feel too.

To this end, Studio 20 employs trainers, a psychologist and an English teacher. Most of the clients are North American and European, so it is essential the models can communicate with them.Today, things are different. After saving money and learning enough savvy to avoid continued exploitation, Anna is done with money-sucking studios, and so she works only about five days a month, from her own home. Five days of camming per month allow her to match the Romanian per capita income of roughly $US12,000 per year with a minuscule fraction of the labour. If she wants more money, she works more days.Even so, it’s clear that Ona Artist really likes her job. People get into sex work for various reasons, but I think that what’s left out of the conversation around sex work a lot of the time is that some girls get into sex work autonomously because they want to, because they enjoy it, and because the money is good. Ona Artist got into camming because a photo of her butt went viral and she realized she could capitalize off of it.I get a mixture of emotions. Mostly people react positively because of the way I speak about it. It's so different if you're really shy and timid and quiet about it. It immediately gives off this idea of ‘oh they're not completely ok with it.' But if anyone ever asks me, I'd be like ‘fuck yeah I webcam, I love it!' I get to mess around at home all day and I get to be as open and as genuine to myself as I can possibly be, and there's a lot of people who aren't ok with that because I'm into some very unusual things myself. I don't have to hide and pretend that I'm someone else; I can really be my true self.

This comes off as somewhere between cynicism and naive denial, but the fact that she knows of any girls at all who've raped and beaten suggests that it is, at the very least, a real occupational hazard.The massive LiveJasmin would have you believe it's owned by "Gestao e Investimentos, Lda", a company based in an autonomous region of Portugal — and has a host of fraud complaints lodged against one of its subsidiaries. But a recent tax bust against LiveJasmin's Hungarian CEO Gattyán György — one of the richest men in Hungary — and his corporation, Dolcer Holdings, shows just how muddled the corporate picture is. No doubt deliberately.Not all models work from a studio. Sandy Bell - a graduate with two university degrees - is one of a small army of women who webcam from home. She makes about 100 euros (£90) a day when she goes online to supplement her income as an interior designer. One advantage of being independent - and dealing directly with a web-hosting company - is that she earns a larger percentage of members' fees.Model, producer and co-creator of YouTube channel ComeCurious, Reed is essentially the physical embodiment of sex positivity, which she defines as trying to make people feel like what theyre doing and what theyre into isnt wrong, its normal and its absolutely fine. Shes a huge advocate for removing stigma and taboos around sex, and we caught up with her to learn more about webcamming, a line of sex work that is seldom talked about.

CONTINUED BELOW...

[letterboxd]

Most Picture.

There are many ways to predict how the Oscars will go. How much money is the studio spending on the campaign? How highly rated are the nominated films? How much work have nominees put in during the awards season? Is it simply their time?

For this 2019 horse race, we thought it would be fun to go for a different metric. A fool-proof statistical analysis to find not what is the Best Picture, but what is the Most. And with that, we set about investigating the stats on rewatches of the eight films nominated for Best Picture.

It turns out that plenty in the Letterboxd community have logged the Best Picture nominees more than once, and in some obsessive cases, well into double figures. We had a feeling, based on anecdotal mood and general noise, that A Star Is Born and Bohemian Rhapsody would be right up there in the stanning stakes. And they are (read on for our Q&A with Letterboxd’s most obsessive A Star Is Born fan). But also: The Favourite made the top three, and the film you have rewatched the most left the other seven in the dust.

Without further ado, Letterboxd presents the 2019 “Most” Picture Awards, ranked by the number of members who’ve watched the 2019 Academy Award Best Picture nominees two or more times (total in brackets, as of today).

Each film features a review from its greatest fan, i.e. the Letterboxd member who has logged the film more than any other (at the time of writing).

And the 2019 “Most” Picture Awards go to…

1. Black Panther (13,268)

“Would I see this movie a personal record high of seven times in theaters? For Wakanda? Without question.” —Krys (12 watches, seven in cinemas)

2. A Star Is Born (5,943)

“TIRED: discourse about whether or not the film hates pop music, all think pieces about whether the film thinks Ally is a sell out and what that means for feminism, discourse on whether Why Did You Do That? is a bop or not.

WIRED: discourse about whether or not Jackson Maine even had an ass good enough to inspire such pop perfection.” —Juliette (16 watches)

3. The Favourite (5,378)

“I miss this so much I dreamt it. Instead of riding, Sarah was doing cartwheels.” —CBotty (15 watches)

4. Bohemian Rhapsody (4,928)

“The critics can go fuck themselves. THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE I HAVE SEEN! (for the fifth time).” —Iain (16 watches)

5. Roma (4,270)

“Yes I’ve seen this twice today, yes i cried like a bitch both times, yes this is the only movie.” —Eve (7 watches)

“My feelings regarding Roma are complicated to say the least. It’s like dating the girl of your dreams, only to realize that you are completely incompatible, which ends in desperate clinginess for an ideal that was never true to begin with. It’s been a strange journey of love, disappointment, and eventual acceptance, where I’ve come to terms with my feelings. I still admire the hell out of it, and I hope it wins all the awards in the world.” —Orrin (7 watches, admittedly more times than they have actually seen it)

6. BlacKkKlansman (3,669)

“This movie is so fucking powerful, and I loved every second of it.” —Kota (6 watches)

7. Green Book (1,370)

“OK what a way to start the new year. I love this movie so much. Viggo Mortensen and Mahershala Ali are for sure going to get nominated (and it’s well deserved).” —Anthony (5 watches)

8. Vice (1,164)

“8.4/10” —Harrison (4 watches)

Unpacking the re-watchability of A Star Is Born.

“I just expect it to be exactly what it is and to be there.”

Of the eight Best Picture finalists, Black Panther has been out the longest, had the largest budget, and has done the rounds of the streaming services. It was always gonna take the top spot in a rewatch match. But to figure out the rewatchability of second-place-getter A Star Is Born, we went to the film’s hardest stanner, Juliette, to help us understand why fans keep coming back even though it’s a complicated watch.

While Juliette’s multiple reviews are meme-tastic, quippy, punctuation-free gems of observation, when we asked her to explain herself, she went remarkably deep. Her replies may just make you want to take another look at Ally and Jack. [Note: this interview contains spoilers for the film’s plot.]

How many times do you think you have seen A Star Is Born? Juliette: I think I have seen the film sixteen times? I know for certain I have seen it fourteen times in theaters, but I’m not sure how many times I’ve watched it in the comfort of my own home since it’s been released on digital. There’s just something about the energy in a theater while this film is being screened. It gives me chills just thinking about it!

What keeps you coming back to it? It's so hard to pinpoint what exactly it is that draws me back to this film time and time again. I love a good love story when properly executed! I’m kind of obsessed with celebrity culture! I love a great musical! And like many people, the subjects of this film: alcoholism, mental illness, suicide, self-doubt, the cultivation of the self, love, mentorship, and reconciliation of one’s experiences with a flawed parental figure are all things that have permeated my life. Some of these things, I understand and have a firm grasp on, they feel definitive and their impacts are a tangible output. Some of these things, I still grapple with daily. There is little definition, largely just confusion and sporadic outbursts of pain.

When I return to this film, which I often do, the thing I don’t expect it to give me is answers. I don’t expect the film to be able to define for me what I must come to define for myself. I don’t expect it to clarify my confusion. I don’t expect it to eradicate the pain. I just expect it to be exactly what it is and to be there.

There’s a scene towards the end of this film where, while mourning the loss of his brother, Bobby explains how he heard one of Jackson’s songs performed at a bar. At first, it angers him. He feels like no one really knew Jackson. But then, something shifts and just hearing the song begins to soothe him. It reminds him that, in spite of their trauma and their turmoil, it isn’t all for nothing.

That’s what this film is for me. It soothes me. It reminds me that the facilitation of our healing can come through art. It reminds me that for people, who once felt broken and irreparable, it is possible to find love and happiness not just with another person, but within one’s self. It reminds me that our pain and our devastation can be met in equal measure with (and even maybe be overcome by) our brilliance, our triumph, and our devotion to one another.

What have you noticed with each rewatch? What I notice most with each subsequent rewatch of the film is what a massive undertaking the sound editing and mixing for this film must have been. I have such deep and profound respect and admiration for all the work that went into crafting the audio for this film! The film is such a visceral experience, one that truly engages all of the senses. I remember physically recoiling in the theater the first time I heard the sound of Jackson’s tinnitus. I remember feeling my entire seat shake in time with the music during the concert sequences.

I also have a sincere recommendation! Once you watch the film a few times, I really encourage you to watch the film just through the lens of watching Lukas Nelson & Promise of the Real in the background of the pivotal scenes. It adds so much dimension to scenes you thought you already knew!

What is the single greatest scene in this version of A Star Is Born? As clichéd or “basic” as it may seem to say, there is no denying that the greatest scene in this film is when Ally joins Jackson on stage and the two perform Shallow together. It’s a cataclysmic and mesmerizing moment.

It’s the way Jackson physically steps back and acquiesces his spotlight to new talent. It’s the combination of awe and support in Jackson’s eyes as he watches Ally assume center-stage. It’s the way Ally assumes her place at the mic for the first time. It’s how Ally—all at once terrified, shocked, overwhelmed, empowered, and free—finds a version of herself she had long thought impossible to access under the stage lights. The arc of which is punctuated by Gaga’s impeccable performance in this scene, most noticeably by the shift in her physicality, from her hands covering her eyes, unable to make eye contact, to grabbing the mic and belting her now patented cathartic wail.

It’s the way, two artists—no, two people—are separated physically on the stage singing into their individual microphones, but slowly find their way to meet in the middle and sing as one. In itself, this scene is the film in miniature. If this scene hadn’t worked, it’s very unlikely the rest of the film would have worked.

Not to mention, the scene is just absolutely stunning. Of course, the music is heavenly, that’s a given. In terms of the composition, I love how the camera moves around and captures each protagonist in different ways. And the color palette is gorgeous. The way that blue and red light dance around our protagonists throughout the sequence is just jaw-dropping. It’s the kind of high an artist, and in a turn a viewer, could spend their whole life chasing.

What do you wish haters understood about the film’s greatness? My first priority would be to tell the haters that Lady Gaga is not playing herself in A Star Is Born! Just because Gaga is a singer playing a singer, doesn’t mean she isn’t acting!

Furthermore, to me, it feels unfair that the power of her performance is sometimes diminished just because she sings in the film. Anyone can sing in a way that is technically proficient with enough training, but to tell a story through song? To act a song? To perform with every iota of your being musically? That’s a whole other skill and it is just as worthy of recognition and respect as any other leading performance this year.

Secondly, I would like to convey that just because something is a remake doesn’t mean that it lacks value or that it lacks something to say. I can’t pinpoint what exactly it is about this story that seems to capture the collective imagination every few decades, but I think it has something to do with how it presents ascension at the expense of descent, art as both artifice and freedom of authentic expression, and love in spite of sacrifice and self-destruction. There’s something about that cocktail that becomes the perfect receptacle for the expression and examination of our cultural anxieties.

Its malleable formula allows for questions to be asked about how we think about celebrity and fame, the self-identification process, and the value of art. In that sense, a remake of A Star Is Born is vital and refreshing, and certainly not tired and uninspired, and most importantly, it doesn’t lack something to say. It’s inherently reflective of the culture it was created in by its very nature. It allows us to ponder not just how Hollywood tells stories about itself, but also how we tell stories about ourselves. And if you ask me, there’s so much value in that.

What do you think should win Best Picture at this year’s Oscars? Well, I’m clearly biased towards A Star Is Born, but I would not be mad to see Roma or The Favourite walk off with the evening’s top prize!

What do you think will win Best Picture? My heart says Roma, my head says Green Book.