#i. i may be mentally unwell im realizing

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

i love driving on perilous roads at night when it's just me and my good friend Cars Behind Me

[thecherrygod]

not my friend telling me about something thats going on with him in his life as in reaching out, and me trying to help him feel better bc its other peoples opinions getting to him, when its something i also struggle with on a daily basis

[saintdentist]

Finally blocked and closed the chat of a discord conversation with an ex friend i was very close with (i think the closeness was one sided. but i loved her a lot platonically.)

It felt . good? I felt nothing?

i dont ever want to read those chats again. few things in my life have made me felt so sick and awful as what she said to me.

The friendship breakup has stuck with me for a very long time.

i kept them open because. i thought maybe she was right. i thought there really was something wrong with me. and i kept those messages in my saved chats to see if years later maybe i would understand what she was getting at. if the passage of time would make me realize my missteps.

Never happened. Its been over a year now i believe. there is nothing wrong with me.

Yes i made mistakes. i had negative traits that i have now grown from. but i shouldve never let her treat me like her little pet and let her treat me far worse than her other friends and her family. She let other people in her life, namely her friends, say racist and terribly bigoted and mean shit and that was not a problem to her. but my issues that were very obviously a product of my trauma and broken home were blown out of proportion and villianized.

when the people close to her would say terrible things, it was because of anxiety. when i was begging for reassurance because i was very mentally unwell i was evil and "using" her.

sometimes the worst people just know how to sound reasonable. they dig into you with their misused therapy language and calm tone while they berate you so it makes you feel like youre the bad guy. boy did she know how to do that.

I cant figure out what i learned from that relationship. not yet. maybe it was less of what i learned and more that i needed the relationship to break off to send me down a different path in life. because it really did shake up my whole world. Maybe that was a good thing.

anyways. Goodbye *****. may i never have to read anything from that sour mind of yours ever again. good luck with your books. i do still wonder if you think about me anymore. if you think about bug and rensford nowadays. how you would feel knowing that our friendship inspired ken. if you kept my sticky note or if it was trashed.

It doesnt really matter. im capable of writing without you. im capable of living without you. i didnt use to think that. i thought after we stopped talking it was all over for me.

it wasnt. it never will be. not until i die

i am not evil. i never was. i was a traumatized kid who was being mistreated at home while i was still recovering from csa who hadnt had friends for a long time. i was still getting used to socialization again. and your treatment of me turned me away from human contact at large for over a year.

but im coming back swinging. the world will see me again. im becoming my own person in this world and theres nothing you can do to stop me. im going to make friends who actually love and care for me. i have some already! im going to continue to become a better person. fuck you !!

[blookmallow]

i just watched the movie Orphan and my mind is absolutely reeling 

this is about every spoiler so dont look at this if you have any intention of watching it 

im thinking about the parallels between kate and esther 

im thinking about grief and trauma and what it can do to a person’s mind and heart 

kate struggling with alcoholism and fighting with guilt over her past mistakes and the judgement from everyone in her life and the unimaginable pain of losing a baby. she’s still trying so, so hard. she understands her mistakes. she knows what she’s done and what could have happened. she is not a bad person. she is not a bad mother. 

esther, deeply disturbed and mentally unwell, in a mental hospital with nobody to love her or care about her. we don’t know much about the institution she was in, but we know they speak of her only as a mad, dangerous thing, and we know they left deep scars on her neck and wrists from the restraints they used on her 

kate becoming a mad, screaming, violent wreck who has to be forcefully restrained and sedated, humiliated, everyone standing around to gawk at the Crazy Woman who attacked a CHILD!! all because she realized someone was trying to hurt her babies. she already lost one. she already almost lost another. someone’s trying to hurt them again. we empathize so deeply with her

but what happened to make esther become a mad, dangerous thing 

esther, with no family, with no one who really knows her or loves her, living in a body that appears childlike through no initial fault of her own - no one sees her as an adult, even if she isn’t posing as a child. sexuality and intimacy, something she clearly craves, are completely unavailable to her because of her body

kate comments on esther’s ribbon, something she always wears and never takes off - just like her necklace. i don’t know if there was ever a significance given for her necklace, i may have missed it, but there’s definitely something to the parallel of... something that conceals trauma, something you never, ever take off, and you cannot stand when others try to see underneath it 

esther’s bad things hidden in the same place daniel hid his. esther hiding her dark truth in her secret blacklight paint, and max hiding her secrets in drawings she stashes away. all the horrific things max has been forced to see, forced to do - what will she become, now? without her mother’s love and compassion, without access to help and support, she could become like esther, too. 

every death or near-death that surrounds her involves someone writhing in pain before esther comes in for her final kill. we almost think they might still be alive, they might still make it, before she makes sure they’re dead. “it’s in pain, and now it’s your responsibility,” she tells daniel with the pigeon. he shot it on an impulse, not thinking about the consequences, not intending to kill it, not even sure why he did it, and when asked to kill it to end its pain, he can’t do it. he refuses. maybe this is how it started for esther, too. maybe the first time it was an accident. maybe the first time she felt guilt, too. maybe someone else told her this - that it was her responsibility, that she had to end their suffering. maybe she told herself this. every time it was a little bit easier. eventually she learned not to feel anything at all. 

maybe some part of her wanted that same mercy. kate did not stop to make sure she was dead, and left her to come crawling back up

now, I’m not saying that’s right. but if esther doesn’t understand the fact that once someone is at the point of death, they still have a chance, they still can recover, maybe we can understand how this happened. maybe she believes this so strongly because of the pain she’s in herself. of course, she’s also trying to get rid of witnesses. I’m not trying to say she isn’t doing these things out of cruelty. but i think maybe there’s more to it than just that 

[stemmmm]

big fail year for art if im gonna be completely honest but im trying not to let it get to me because these past 2 years have been a fucking nightmare so it's only reasonable I don't do as well. plus i've been learning a completely different medium which is creatively exhausting

[imagineimaginethat]

Hello Queen, may I request a ikesen HC of how the warlords would react to a soul switch between Nobunaga and MC? I watched it in an anime and liked the idea. You can include all the warlords if you like or any of your choice. Im excited haha 💚💚💚

I loved this! It took forever because I kept forgetting to save as I went along and had to keep redoing stuff (oh, when will I learn?) I did Nobunaga, Shingen, and Hideyoshi. I’ll do the others in sets of 3 or more later as well 

**Requests are open**

Nobunaga

         Nobunaga wakes up first and is extremely confused.

         For one, why does his body feel so rested?

·         And two, why are you no longer wrapped up in his arms

·         He looks back and has a very shocking realization that causes his eyes, well your eyes, to widen

·         This would not be good

·         He had no idea how something like this could happen and it would definitely need to be fixed as soon as possible, but for now, he could not help but to think, his face had never looked so t rest

·         So, for the sake of not scaring you and so that his body could get the benefits of a good night’s sleep he let you sleep for a while longer

·         When you did wake up, Nobunaga watched as you let his eyes flutter open, you looked at him for all of one second before looking down at yourself and then letting out a scream he had no clue he could produce

·         This, naturally meant, both his right hand and left hand came charging into his room, because no one had ever heard their lord scream like that, so surely something horrendous must have happened

·         Instead, they were greeted by a peculiar sight, you, perfectly calm and trying to reason with Nobunaga who was full on panicking

·         This seemed a bit… reversed

·         You turned your eyes on Hideyoshi and Mitsuhide and began explaining that you were Nobunaga and that somehow in the night your soul had ended up in his body, and his yours

·         They were hesitant to believe it, but they doubted Nobunaga would go to such lengths for a prank early in the morning

·         Woah boy

·         They decided it would be best if they tried to keep this discrete as possible, once you calmed down you began to see the benefits of being in Nobunaga’s body.

·         You could do whatever you wanted pretty much without repercussion- until Nobunaga got his body back that is

·         You two try to do what the other would do, but you both meet some complications with that

·         One, you’re so nice to all of the vassals and your tone is so much softer/kinder than Nobunaga’s normal commanding one, that people question if Nobunaga is unwell

·         Then, there’s the problem with curiosity, you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back

·         Hideyoshi’s heart nearly jumps out of his chest in fear when he sees you trying to do all types of stunts, can Nobunaga do a backflip, let’s find out!

·         Nobunaga on the other hand, finds he is quite careful in your body, not wanting to hurt you in anyway, he tries to pick up your habit of sewing but after pricking your fingers more than a few times he gives up

·         Then, there’s your social obligations

·         Nobunaga did his best to imitate you and he did a good job until the topic of conversation was turned to him, it was mostly general complaints about working under a warlord, but also some flattery, when they expected you to chime in, Nobunaga gave some humble praise

·         The ladies laughed at you however, and asked if you and Nobunaga had been fighting lately, since you were apparently much more enthusiastic to praise him

·         Nobunaga made a mental note of this

·         One good thing came about though, since Hideyoshi was watching you as him, Nobunaga was free to indulge in as much konpeito as he could find

·         Finally, night came, and you talked about your days, and you couldn’t help but to fidget around

·         “Nobunaga… I was wondering….” You were kind of curious, not of what it was like to kiss you, but rather what did Nobunaga feel when he kissed you, “could I maybe…. And if you’re not okay with it, that’s fine, but maybe-“

·         Nobunaga as your eyes flashed to your own lips and you gently bit his

·         “Of course, come Fireball,” it felt so weird hearing you call Nobunaga Fireball, but somehow he made it work

·         The kiss was soft and gentle, and it felt nice against your lips, but then something changed, the kiss began to feel much more familiar

·         GASP

·         Was that the key?

·         You were back to normal, yes!

 Hideyoshi

·         When Nobunaga wakes up in Hideyoshi’s arms it’s a bit awkward

·         He leaps up and before he can question what is going on, upon looking down and noticing the change in his height he realizes what has happened

·         When his own body comes charging into Hideyoshi’s room, there is no doubt

·         When Hideyoshi wakes up he is… extremely concerned and confused

·         He has no clue what could have made you two switch bodies and you two are just as short on answers

·         To be safe Hideyoshi decides to follow Nobunaga, well you, around all day while Nobunaga would stay as you in Hideyoshi’s room, not getting into any trouble whatsoever

·         Hideyoshi finds you being in Nobunaga’s body is the most chaotic thing he has ever experienced

·         For starters, you were giving all the vassals the day off and telling them to go get tea, or to grab lunch with people they enjoy the company of

·         This was wildly out of character for Nobunaga, but who were the vassals to look a gift horse in the mouth

·         Then you snuck off back to Nobunaga’s tenshu and tried to pull off some, “awesome samurai sword moves,” because, “surely, Nobunaga’s body comes equipped with muscle memory.”

·         You threw the sword in the air like a baton to catch it and Hideyoshi’s soul nearly existed his person

·         He decides you’re done for the day and brings you back to his quarters, because there is no way he can let you persist

·         When evening comes, you’ve all sort of given up on fixing the situation for the day

·         But, just as the moon peeks into the room a light seems to flicker in both of your eyes

·         You look down and see a much more familiar sight

·         You’re back in your body, which is great because being Nobunaga was fun, but it’d be a bit awkward if you kissed Hideyoshi as his boss- also Nobunaga would not have appreciated it

·         Nobunaga is glad to be himself again, the next day however, he is very confused about why his vassals and servants are thanking him for giving them the day off

·         Also, why does he have the desire to toss his sword in the air?

·         Meanwhile, you realize you must have eaten a dozen pouches of konpeito after searching through Hideyoshi’s room and finding the hidden pouches everywhere

 Shingen

·         When Shingen realizes what has happened after you wake up in demanding to know how he’d gotten to Azuchi and why he was in your room, he has a field day

·         This man is about to die of laughter

·         The big, bad Nobunaga was trapped in the body of his princess

·         He will watch and make sure Nobunaga doesn’t do anything that could potentially harm your body, under no circumstance is his princess to be hurt

·         Meanwhile, back in Azuchi, you are having an actual field day

·         For one, you get to hang out with your friends again, and after they realized what has happened, and Hideyoshi has been calmed down, you enjoy being the pilot of Nobunaga’s body

·         Masamune condones literally everything you do as Nobunaga; did you eat half of his konpeito stash? It’s what Nobunaga would have wanted

·         Back with Shingen, Sauske is singing Freaky Friday, and they are all profoundly confused

·         They decide the best thing to do is to reunite you both and hope for a miracle

·         When Nobunaga sees what you’ve done, including making Bearsace his official left foot (as, neither the left or right hand would allow themselves to be so easily replaced) and Hideyoshi fuming about all of the candy you’ve eaten he smiles.

·         “You’ve done well in my absence, but do not eat anymore konpeito… I wish to enjoy the indulgence myself.”

·         Shingen can’t help but to laugh as you, well Nobunaga in your body, sat at the head of the impromptu meeting he’d called

·         Shingen makes sure you’ve been alright with the Oda forces and tells you not to worry, that he made sure Nobunaga didn’t do anything you wouldn’t have in the palace

·         Hearing Nobunaga’s voice soft and kind was strange, you truly could make anyone seem kind and bright

·         Shingen longed to hold his princess, intact with her original mind, body, and soul, in his arms

·         Just as he found himself wishing you could be turned back, heard a crack of thunder and Nobunaga’s eyes dilled with familiar domineering presence.

·         He was back in business

·         And you, well you looked relived to be back to normal, flinging yourself into Shingen’s arms

·         As fun as being Nobunaga was, I don’t know how much longer I could take feeling sleep deprived.

·         Shingen smiled as held onto you, “my perfect goddess, a devil for the day, but always my dearest.”

·         The rest of the warlords, sans Masamune who was having an awesome time were more than relived.

[harrieatthemet]

Signature

in which your sister gets engaged and Harry needs the sheet of paper. 

im baaaaaaaack!

He’s absolutely green with envy.

Riddled, consumed, and enveloped by jealousy. If he wasn’t so good at putting on a show, surely someone would’ve picked up on it by now. But he is; he’s made a career out of it, after all.

His eyes linger modestly on your sister as she sits vertical from him at the table. And he smiles as she gushes about her news, trying his hardest to match her excitement as he cracks a smile.

“It’s beautiful,” you coo, your grin almost as wide as your sisters, “let me see it again.”

Harry stares with adorn as your sister extends her hand across the table, placing her palm to rest in yours for the third time.

Platinum silver. He prefers rose gold but he sees how content your sister is, and decides to compliment her on her fiancées choice in color. He can’t tell quite how many carats it is; 2, maybe 3? Not that it matters. Modest, he thinks, but again it’s his own preference. He likes to be dramatic, but that’s his preference.

He knows asking will only fuel the jealousy even more, but he can’t help but give into curiosity.

He directs his attention to your sisters fiancée, “how did you propose?”

Without even so much as glancing at your sister, he can see from the corner of his eyes the way her eyes light up; almost like she had been waiting all night for someone to ask that very question. Your expression doesn’t lack enthusiasm either, with wide eyes and a child-like grin.

The two of you both sit and listen, your sister fiddling with the new diamond sitting comfortably on her ring finger.

Harry zoned out around the first couple of sentences. And it’s not because he isn’t happy for your younger sister; he’s over the moon. She’s as good as family, if not better, to him. Seeing her happy and engaged makes him feel good, at least, it should.

“M’happy for yeh kiddo,” and Harry means it sincerely, “gonna make a brilliant bride.”

His comment is genuine, even though as he makes it he knows you’d be twice as beautiful in an all white gown. And though the engagement story, for the small amount he was mentally tuned into, was nice he knows he’d propose to you far more creatively.

The mere thought of if makes his throat go all dry, in the best kind of way of course. Butterflies flutter subtly inside his stomach. The lighting in the kitchen is dim enough so no one can ask him why his cheeks haven’t gone a bit pink.

He’s so meticulous, so he knows his proposal would be so well planned. It would play out so nicely; romantic for sure. Private as well, not that it would matter; he’s sure that the occasion, even the gesture itself, would be so intimate it would feel like you and him were the only two people in the world.

“Your next.” 

He feels your sister’s voice almost before he hears it. And his neck cranes back from their brief hug goodbye so she could see the expression on his face; puzzled. 

“M’sorry?”

“You’re next.” the second time she says it is more giddy, her hand subtly raised so she can wiggle. her ring finger before you catch her. 

And even minutes later, as he trails behind you through the front door of the house, he’s still got the image of a sparkly engagement ring ingrained in his head. 

Your hands put the keys in the dish, then they’re twirling the stray piece of hair hanging from your bun. With knitted brows, he watches your hands, your barren ring finger in specific, and imagines a blinding diamond. He imagines how you’d react when he asked; would you cry? Hopefully not, if you cry he will too. 

“Too much wine?”, Your voice is even more melodic in real time than it is inside in his head.

He can peek just over his shoulder in order to get a clear shot of you, nestled comfortably into the sitting room couch. Your shoes are plopped down just at the bottom of the couch, while your feet end up finding relief atop the coffee table he’d just shelled out thousands on. Usually he’d hiss at you, swat your heels off because hello, smudges! But it’s an argument he’s willing to retire for right now; he’s divulged in half a bottle of red and his daydreams have him feeling as though he could walk on water. 

A pat on the open seat beside you is more than enough to lure him from the opposing end of the room, bringing with him that dorky smile. He also makes time to toe off his shoes, sprawling out his body along the couch so his head falls into your lap. 

“Had a nice night,” he sighs contently, letting out the words all in one breath, “never seen y’sister smile f’so long.” 

He lets out another small puff of air, his eyes fluttering closed as he succumbs to bliss. You know he loves this; loves when you run a couple fingers through the tousled pieces of hair at the front of his head. He’e fell asleep right here, in the middle of the living room, if he didn’t have plans to initiate a marital conversation.

“Mmm,” you hum, “me neither, s’good for her. Good for them.” 

“Innit?” and now he’s ready to lead this conversation where he’s been wanting to, “was a bit of a surprise, though, yeah?” 

“A surprise?,” you reiterate, and he modestly looks up at you as a way of agreeing, “Not really, no. It surprised you?” 

“I mean,” he hesitates, “it did a bit, yeah.” 

There’s a brief pause amidst the conversation. You haven’t got a clue as to what he’s eating away at him. Clearly something is; it’s blatantly clear in the way his eyes are cautiously peeking up at you before randomly roaming about the room. And each time he opens his mouth to continue speaking, he promptly shuts it before allowing anything to come out. 

“Gonna tell me why?” and that’s all it takes for him to start blabbing. 

“I just,” he exhales, “dunno, always thought we’d be engaged before her. Hell, thought we’d be married before her.”  

A quick pause from you is enough to send his heart race inside his chest. His eyes are glued to you, blinking barely as he watches you gaze down at your hands tangled in a few strands of his hair. But you shrug. There’s a calm laugh coming from you, too, and he’s not sure whether to be relieved or put off by it. 

“It isn’t a race, you know.” you remind him.

“I know,” he agrees, “I know.” 

“Besides,” you sigh, letting your hand retreat as you ward off sleep, “never really saw us as the marrying type, anyways. 

A once steady breathing pattern has become irrationally ragged as he sits upright, eyes wide as he somehow has rid himself of a wine haze and a bit of a sleep fog. naturally, his eyebrows weave together in curiosity as he tries to play back what you just said to him. 

He doesn’t have enough thinking space to process you’re bewildered reaction. And he doesn’t have enough thinking space to understand what it was that got you to say that. How did this not come up sooner? How did he not know? How were the two of you not. on the same page. 

“Not th’marrying type?” he repeats your comment slowly, word for word. 

As much as he wishes he wasn’t, the longer he stares at you the more anger seems to bubble. The nod of your head as he repeated it made him want to physically crawl out of his skin and disappear. You seem so unbothered. 

“Tell me, than,” and his voice has become more condescending, “what exactly do you ‘see’ us as?”

“Are you mad?” your tone is much smaller now upon getting a look at the grim expression on his face; 

“G’on ‘n answer me.” 

“I don’t know,” you shrug, “comfortable?” 

He sits for a minute longer, clearly a prisoner to his own thoughts. For a couple more minutes, it’s just silent. The dishwasher in the next room is the only thing making noise, until that stops and it’s radio silent in the sitting room. 

Comfortable. Comfortable. It could really mean anything. And in any other context, he’s sure that you being comfortable with him was a flattering compliment; one he could enjoy. But not right now, because all it’s doing is sitting uneasy in the pit of his stomach. 

So he gets up. He decides that the longer he sits, the more unwell he starts to feel. And he’s assuming you’ll be respectful enough to give him a moment of peace; that’s the impression he’s under as he wanders out of the sitting room and turns for the kitchen. But of course, the padding of feet on hardwood is enough of an inkling to tell him he’s got company following on the heels of his feet. 

“Well I’m not a mind reader,” you snap, “so if you’re feeling some kind of way right now, it’s best that you grow up and tell me.” 

It’s calm for a moment; eerily calm. It’s the kind of stillness that occurs before a storm. It’s a warning of something somber and treacherous; you could say the same for the expression on his face once he turns to look at you. 

“Bold of yeh t’decided we just aren’t th’marrying type,” he barks, “don’t quite remembering agreeing t’tha’.” 

You’re a bit taken aback, because you hadn’t necessarily realized just how cross he really was. He’s practically seething and, although a bit alcohol may be at a fault, you’re sure that 95% of this is all Harry. 

“I didn’t decide that,” you rebuke, “I just assumed it!”

“S’one hell of an assumption, than.” he snaps, and you roll your eyes. 

“S’been fucking years,” you jeer, “if we wanted to be married we would’ve done it by now.” 

He’s not entirely sure if you know just how low of a jab that was. If he wasn’t riding an anger high right now, he would be sure that you were unaware of it. But he’s decided that you do understand, and it only seems to make things worse. It only makes things more tense. 

“Y’right, yeah?” he laughs, but it’s bitter, “ ‘Cos my career is nonexistent, right? M’never busy?” 

“That’s not what I meant.” 

He knows. At least, he thinks he knows. But it doesn’t matter. He’s angry and proving his point is the only thing he has the urge to do right now. 

“It’s a stupid piece of paper with our signature!” you argue, “It’s a sheet of fucking paper that we don’t need!”

“Maybe I need it,” he retorts, “maybe I do need the stupid sheet of paper!” 

“Oh, no, you don’t,” you shout, “you absolutely don’t, and you’re only saying you do to piss me off!” 

“Can’t build a home with comfortable,” he rebuttals, “can’t have a family with comfortable.” 

The words settle with you differently than he had intended them to. It’s almost as though you can feel your stomach flip a bit. It’s like your heart dropped to your stomach, demeanor softening a bit because as the words that just previously flew so freely from Harry’s mouth have no left you with a heartache and an overwhelming sense of disappointment. 

“So I’ll go,” you breath, “I’ll go, than.” 

[halalstyle]

Hey! I've been a hijabi for years but ive realized that im nonbinary, and wearing a hijab (or looking feminine at all) brings me so much dysphoria, it's ruining my mental health. Do you think Allah would understand if i took it off, or should i not?

Salaam alaikum sib!!! So let’s break this down. Allah SWT commanded women to wear hijab, right? You’re not a woman. Boom. Its also damaging to your mental health, and that’s not going away. It’s the intention  that matters, and you’re not taking it off to attract lovers or look extra hot or whatever. You’re doing it to stay safe. 

 All that being said, I’m not a scholar of any sort and may Allah forgive me if I have spoken wrong. Also, mod s might have a more nuanced answer but that’s my two cents.

-Mod Y

Salam 💚

I totally agree. I also think more than anything else there is an emphasis on modesty which is a lot more relative and flexible than “you should dress this one certain way and everything thing else is wrong.” And modesty isn’t just in the way you dress, but the way you behave etc. (You can definitely still wear a ‘hijab’ and be entirely immodest.) Part of the reason I wear hijab is because it’s a constant reminder of who I am and that on some scale I’m representative of Islam to other people, but there’s absolutely no reason someone who doesn’t wear hijab can’t do that.

While I don’t entirely identify as a woman I also wear hijab because it makes me feel closer to Allah and identifies me as a Muslim, which is important to me. I also think these days it’s an act of resistance. Muslim women tend to take the brunt of islamophobia because we’re such easy targets. That’s definitely not an easy thing to deal with and I think in most cases people would agree if it’s endangering you it’s not an obligation to wear it. I feel like your situation is similar–if it’s making you unwell you shouldn’t have to do it.

And lastly when it comes to how I wear hijab, or practice Islam in general, here’s what I believe: faith/spirituality is so so personal. I don’t think it makes a lot of sense for other people to weigh in a lot on how I believe/practice. It’s between me and Allah, yknow? Ultimately you gotta do what you think is best. And of course Allah Knows exactly what you’re going through. And Allah Knows best.

-Mod S

[defenestrationdissociationcouch]

New Years Resolutions and Becoming a Better Person

No one gonna read this so ima just go.

I've recently been trying to figure out why i still feel unhappy even though my lifestyle is stable for the first time in a long time and I'm beginning to realize it's because I've taken the stressed out mentality that comes from living in a stressful situation and continued to carry it into my now stable life. So now I am going to address my main problems and try to fix them.

How to stop being the Toxic Friend

One of the things I've realized I realized I do is I bitch about people. I didn't really used to but during my parents divorce my mom would tell me things about my dad and stepmom to try and convince me they were abusing me and by having these conversations with me, and putting me in theapy to try and help me with both the bad situations they were putting me in and the added emotional distrust she planted, I learned that you should just shit talk people who piss you off. Now, it is good to talk about your issues instead of bottling them up and hurting yourself like I used to, yes, probably. However, not everyone needs to know how you're feeling especially if the friends you're turning too aren't friend you see very often. Why?

Those friend now distrust you because it's like," What is she saying behind my back".

You're not really looking for advice because you're stubbron as hell and nothing they say is going to change what you've already decided to do for the most part. You of all people weren't born yesterday.

If you don't see them very often, wether its a lack time for them or an active choice, you make them feel like you are using them as an emotional crutch. Which leads me to point 2

2. You do not need someone to save you.

Growing up my mother and other older women made it out like they were going to protect me when my life fell apart or were actively "saving me" by being in my life. This was untrue as most of them abandoned me at some point anyways. Unless you are suicidal or something you can probably help yourself more than anyone else can because even if the people in your life want you to change you are the only person who can change yourself . No one else can do it for you. Because if you dont really want to change you won't.

3. Dont distrust people, to a point.

You have been used, by your parents, by your stepfamily, by family friends. It makes sense that you do not want to be used again. However, there comes a point where you are acting irrationally.

Yes you have had to deal with people who had alcohol issues, depression, and poured their adult feelings and issues onto you all at a young age. You have also had people who say because the people in your life have these issues they should be allowed to walk all over you because they are "unwell".

That sucks and if someone is using you like that you are completely allowed to cut them out of your life.

However, you're friends are teenagers and college students. They may not realize that they are making you feel used. Learn to have a peaceful and direct conversation with them. Especially if you want to keep this relationship in your life. Sometimes people arent as vengeful and manipulative as you think they are. Sometimes they do not realize they are hurting you.

Grown up conversations have never been your forte especially because they grown ups in your life can't have them. Be better. It'll be hard but over time you can learn.

4. Remember that relationships grown and change.

You have attachment issues. You like to latch on to one person and never let them go. You give everything to your friends because you are not ready for a relationship so it hurts when you see them give more to their partners. You've watch your father ignore you for your step mom. You're mother told you she wanted her own seperate "adult life" away from you when you begged her to come home at night. You can get angry because it feels like the only thing people care about is what they can fuck but that isnt entirely true.

You're friends are in a new stage of life and they might be closer than their partners than you today but they may be closer with you tomorrow. You might have these friends now but you might have a whole new set of friends next year. The only thing that is constant in life is change so embrace it or get left behind.

The only time we have is now. Happy New Year.

P.s. im also deleting all social media from my phone so i might become more productive with my time. Maybe not this app because i rarely use it tho. Not like anyone is really gonna read this anyways.

[blookmallow]

uhHH well i finished rusty lake roots... there are still many things i do not understand but wow that sure was. a lot 

-----

oh. ohhhh i was right 

albert did get into voodoo

i mean really if you have enough blood to write a sentence with it i think thats more of a “there is blood” scenario but i guess that’s just semantics really 

anyway uhhHHh that happened,

oH god what the fuck ok apparently mary’s dead now too

i dont know what killed her other than like, old age, maybe. shock?? could’ve been a heart attack if she. saw what albert did to his brother and ida 

:( 

the kid with the glasses Was emma’s son and she Did commit suicide in her grief when he went missing 

still dont know where he came from in the first place but nevermind 

what the hell kind of egg is that (the second thing. the first thing is a potato) 

oh

it’s. it’s that kind of egg, isn’t it. 

is that what that looks like???? i was under the impression human “eggs” are like, microscopic, like you can’t visually see individual sperm cells and i couldn’t really find a clear answer trying to look this up and got kinda freaked out about it anyway (pregnancy/uterus functions fuck me up sdfgggh) but 

APPARENTLY, AFTER MURDERING HER (AND HIS BROTHER) ALBERT HAS DECIDED TO HARVEST IDA’S EGGS FROM HER BODY AND CREATE HIS OWN FETUS SOMEHOW HIMSELF 

I DONT THINK THATS HOW THAT WORKS BUT UH. ALBERT???? WE NEED TO TALK 

god fucking damn it i liked him so much and wanted to understand him and i still think it’s heavily implied he was abused and/or bullied by his siblings and he’s definitely mentally unwell and definitely had some kind of rivalry going on with samuel, definite “wants what he has” situation but 

i guess “murdered his brother and his wife, apparently harvested eggs from her corpse to Make A Child With Her after she rejected him” is uuhhhh not really redeemable is it :’   ) god 

or im not sure if she actually rejected him or if he ever made any advances on her in the first place but. definite “she belonged to me/should have been Mine” possessive behavior ramped up to 11 

i still think he needed Help and maybe wouldn’t have turned out like this if he got help and had support from his family but my god what a. series of events that was  

also this guy keeps showing up everywhere. i dont know what he is but i like him even though he may be some kind of shadow of impending doom or a personification of death 

BIG fan of the implication here that i may in fact have been a ghost the whole time, subtly influencing the events of my own family destruction in an effort to sacrifice them all to resurrect myself 

is that what all this is. did all this happen because william was haunting everybody trying to get the pieces to revive himself. was this man willing to destroy his entire family line for the chance to live again 

oh FUCK THE KID’S STILL ALIVE 

HE DIDN’T DIE IN THE WELL HE’S JUST BEEN LIVING DOWN THERE THIS WHOLE TIME. OK

how did nobody hear him calling for help or anything... 

guess what

i fucking killed the hand again 

apparently albert also knows about this??? and never told anyone??? fucking why??????? he doesn’t seem to be Using the dude for anything, there doesn’t seem to be any reason to keep him down here unless it’s just some fucked up revenge thing on his sister 

also i dont think it was albert’s hand that i stabbed Again bc he’s not bleeding when he shows up but 

is he the one who has been keeping him alive?? why. what purpose is served in keeping him alive if he’s not using him for anything. if hes just trying to get back at his sister why not just kill the guy or leave him to starve down here. Albert What The Fuck Are You Doing 

hey buddy!!!!! its u!!!!

i was wrong it seems like mr. crow is not a voodoo curse victim but is actually probably the first vanderboom brother. the not william one. i forgot his name :’) and i still definitely think william’s going to become mr. owl

i found this picture later (it was shown before but i didnt remember) (also has. puzzle stuff on it but anyway) its definitely the same suit thats it isnt it 

i dont want to go searching for the pic of the other brother and the one of mr owl bc ill probably just find spoilers if i do that but Hm. hmm.

is this how the revival ritual works. do u become a bird. is that why everyone else at the hotel was animals too

that would mean the brothers have already done the ritual once though and would’ve needed a bunch of sacrifices to do it before so maybe not 

albert’s bizarre science experiment child seems to be living at the house now, which i was gonna say “how the fuck did he explain this to his family how is she just Here Now” but then i realized i think she and albert might be the only ones left now 

ida and samuel are dead, emma is dead, mary and james are dead, leonard isn’t dead but i think he might be... out fighting the war at this point 

also that dog is still here and i didnt previously question why the cup was called “cup with liquid” and not “water” and i really, really wish i didnt know the answer to that mystery 

try to guess how this dog provided liquid. the answer is not blood 

rose helped frank get out of the well, not sure if she knew why he was down there in the first place or that he’s her cousin, and. well 

:( 

sorry things had to be this way, bud

digs up my entire family’s remains to make one hell frankenstein skeleton

sure 

o fuck i did it i got all the things

i like how some of these are like “gouge out an eyeball” and then there’s like “cut off some hair” 

some of this family suffered more than others for this ritual, shall we say

theres probably Reasons for each of the parts though like, frank’s hair grew super long from his years in the well, so while the removal of a lock of hair itself wasn’t really a Sacrifice/suffering on his end its symbolic of what he went through

william’s the one being revived so it makes sense to use his heart

eyes could be... Too Late To See The Truth about albert or something, ida was a fortune teller so, Inner Sight or w/e, also a pair of eyes taken from a couple

emma died from her grief so we have her tears

james... died from drinking the elixir? so indirectly his tongue could symbolize that?? i guess???

rose means red, she was born through murder, she got her bio mother’s red hair, we have her blood 

albert could be seen as a mastermind behind a lot of these events, and a lot of this was caused by the mental illness he never got help for, so we have his brain

leonard lost his foot in the war

the only one i cant figure out is mary’s teeth, i have no idea what that one could mean unless she Did die of old age and “teeth falling out” is meant to symbolize that

theres.... three teeth and she had three children? i have no idea 

anyway DONT LIKE THAT AT ALL 

hm. unpleasant 

the other brother Confirmed to be mr. crow but its still possible mr. owl is Not in fact william but he could be talking about future william when he Becomes mr. owl, maybe 

this is such a mess ok so william was reborn as a baby, the grandchildren looked like they were consumed by the roots but we see rose holding the baby so at least she’s still alive (and probably the boys too if she is) 

and this process also created the seed which planted the tree so... william’s death and subsequent rebirth also created the family tree?? i guess?? so his family was brought to ruin one by one possibly through him influencing events from beyond the grave, all to revive him, which started the family in the first place, and there’s definitely a lot of... “all time is one/timelines can be altered” not direct Time Travel but just sort of. time as a nonlinear web that the original vanderboom brothers seem able to transcend 

hm! hm. theres still. so much i dont understand but i have at least one more game left im not sure if the other things in the bundle are related to rusty lake or just other things by the same developers