#idk for some reason the back to school anxiety is stronger than ever this time

[134340am]

this is so stupid actually why am i 22 years old and still scared of going back to school……. 😞 pls b nice to me

[the-cult-of-russo]

No Going Back (part 2)

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader 

Request : Hey love, can you please do a part 2 to “no going back” where the reader is with a new partner that treats them better and shows how happy y/n is (after a few months of heart break) & billy is upset and dealing with the aftermath of his actions - regret - or not being able to find someone like reader. I’m in the mood for sad!billy because my heart broke for myself in the last one lmfao, they could meet again with y/nS new partner idk go crazy babe!

A/N: Welcome to the Land of Pain. Enjoy the deep rooted sadness and heartache lmao why am I so invested in Sad!Billy? Like really, let me give him a hug or something 😂 this one kind of took on a life of its own and I couldn't help the comforting at the end lmao sue me.

Also, I keep the description of the new partner vague so you can imagine whoever you want. Personally I was thinking Charlie Hunnam because 👀🙃 but this way you can picture whoever. 

Warnings: cursing, some angst, heaps of sadness and despair (for Billy), very much Sad!Billy. Lil bit of fluff too

You never thought you'd find happiness, not after Billy. But sometimes you find things when you least expect it, or they find you. You'd spent months healing after what happened with Billy and at times you honestly thought the pain wouldn't stop. The saving grace was the fact Billy actually kept his distance and didn't contact you. At first you weren't sure if that hurt more or not. But the clean break allowed you to heal and you knew deep down that's why he did it. It had been hard knowing he loved you, that he wanted to fix things. If he had just been an asshole then it would have been easier to get over him. You could hate him. But you couldn't. Part of you would always belong to him but you had to move on. And you did. 

Jacob was a great guy and you'd met through a friend. He took you on dates, doted on you. He was there and he listened and he treated you amazingly. And for the first time since Billy, you hadn't compared Jacob to him. Previous dates were always measured up to Billy but when you met Jacob, you didn't even think about your past lover. 

You'd been with Jacob now for 4 months, it being half a year since the split with Billy. Everything was looking up for you and you finally felt like things were on the right track. You still thought about Billy sometimes. Wondered if he was okay, what he was up to. You couldn't help it. You just hoped one day he'd find happiness too. It hurt that he hadn't allowed that with you but you hoped he'd let it happen with someone one day. 

-------

Billy had experienced pain in all forms in his life. The pain of abandonment from his mother, from the shit in the group home, being in the marines and everything after. He'd always dealt with it. Picked himself back up and moved on. He got back up every time and was always stronger for it. But this time… this time he was weak and he couldn't do a damned thing about it. 

Losing you, all through his own bullshit fault, had been by far the worst thing he'd ever been through. The worst kind of pain. Being shot in the heart would hurt less than the agony and waking hell that had been his life since you begged him to leave your apartment 6 months ago. It felt like only 6 days ago yet 6 years at the same time. It was a never ending spiral of darkness and despair. 

And it was all his own fault. His inability to just be a normal fucking human with emotions had ruined the best thing he ever had. He deserved this pain. He deserved every bit of it. He'd done a lot of bad shit in his life but this was the worst. He couldn't get your face out of his head. How you looked at him with such betrayal and hurt. And he'd caused that. He'd caused those tears to stream down your face, he'd caused that pain. So he'd wallow in his misery and take every inch of pain he was in because he deserved it all. 

He'd thrown it all away, and for what? The sex with the other women hadn't even been good. He hadn't enjoyed it because it wasn't you. And then after, the guilt would eat him alive. But he kept doing it. He couldn't stop himself because he was overwhelmed. He loved you. He actually fucking loved you and he didn't deserve you at all. He never thought he'd love anyone. Didn't think he was capable of such a thing, yet here he was. And he never thought in a million years that anyone would ever love him. His own mother didn't, so why would anyone else? He kept replaying over and over when you told him you loved him that day. The pain had ripped through him like C4. He'd fucked up so badly and he couldn't fix it. He'd finally had a taste of what it was like to be loved and to love someone and it was snatched away in a heartbeat because of his own actions. 

He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. He lost some weight and was well aware of the dark circles around his eyes. He'd taken to drinking every night just to numb the pain and hope your face didn't haunt his dreams. He hadn't even slept with another person since. He couldn't bring himself to. He was a mess. All he wanted was you and he couldn't have you. 

------

You and Jacob were on your way to a little cafe you frequented for lunch. You felt happy, radiant even as you both walked hand in hand. The weather was warming up and the sun bathed you in its warm glow as you walked. Everything felt right. Just as you got to the outside of the cafe, his phone rang. 

"Shit, I need to take this, babe," he sighed. You smiled up at him, giving him a quick peck on the lips.

"It's okay. I'll see what they have today," you smiled. He gave you a wide smile, kissing you softly before he stepped away a bit to answer the phone. There was no anxiety. No wondering who he was talking to. You felt settled and content. 

You glanced through the window of the cafe where they displayed fresh baked sweet treats. They had different ones every day and you pressed up against the window, eyes glancing around as you tried to decide if you wanted a glazed donut or a cinnamon bun. Probably the donut.

"Y/N?" The shocked voice felt like a splash of cold water. You knew that voice anywhere. You turned around to see Billy, wide eyed as he stared at you. He looked… oh Billy. Your heart ached at the state of him. He was still in his fancy suit with his hair neat and slicked back. But he looked exhausted, his dark eyes sad. It hurt.

"Hey, Billy," you murmured with a soft smile. You thought about what it would be like if you saw him again. You thought it would bring all the pain back. The anger. But you were hurting for a different reason. You were hurting for him this time. 

He glanced at the floor, looking somewhat out of place and his usual confidence seemed to be left at home. When he glanced back up at you, looking at you through his lashes, he looked like a lost boy. 

"You look good," he said quietly. You smiled sadly, shifting where you stood. 

"You look tired," you countered softly. He chuckled, the noise hollow sounding and you'd be a liar if you said you didn't miss him. Part of you wondered if you could have stayed friends but you didn't think it would help.

"Yeah, I'm uh… not sleepin' so good," he shrugged like it was nothing and you frowned. 

"Billy-" you started, only to be cut off by Jacob coming back over and wrapping an arm around your waist. 

"Sorry, I'm done now," he smiled down at you, kissing your cheek. It wasn't done as a display of possessiveness like Billy would have. It was simply affection. But you saw how Billy's jaw clenched, eyes hardening as he looked at him.

"Uh… Jacob, this is Billy. Billy, this is Jacob," you said carefully. You didn't need to say that Jacob was your boyfriend. It was obvious and you didn't want to rub salt in Billy's wounds. Jacob's brows raised a little, arm moving from around you as he looked at Billy. 

"Oh. It's a pleasure to meet you, I've heard a lot about you," Jacob said amicably as he extended his hand. Billy glanced at it like it was a poisonous snake before glancing at you. You gave him an imploring look and he swallowed thickly before shaking Jacob's hand. 

"Nothin' good, I bet,'' Billy smiled bitterly. Ouch. That hurt. 

Jacob looked at Billy hesitantly with a small smile. 

"Actually… Y/N had nothing but good things to say about you. Except for how it all ended but… there were a lot of good things," Jacob said softly. It made you smile. You'd told him everything about you and Billy and he'd never seen it as an issue. And the fact he was trying here really meant something to you.

Billy looked taken aback for a moment before his face schooled back to the mask of indifference he'd wear often. He glanced at you then at Jacob again as Jacob gave your hand a squeeze.

"I'll get us a table and give you two a minute," Jacob murmured to you. It wasn't lost on you how he purposely didn't kiss you like he normally would. He wasn't petty. He wouldn't hurt Billy or rub it in his face. 

Once Jacob was inside you looked at Billy as he glared off to the side, hands stuffed in his pockets. 

"Billy… I'm sorry, I…" you frowned. You wished he hadn't found out this way. Not when you saw how badly he was hurting. He chuckled humorlessly and shook his head.

"Don't … Don't do that," he bit out. 

"Do what?" You asked with a frown. His obsidian eyes turned to you then, full of such pain and sadness that it felt like you'd been punched in the gut.

"Don't… apologise to me. I don't deserve shit," he muttered, jaw clenched. 

You took a step closer to him and he looked down at you, rolling his shoulder a little. 

"Look… you fucked up. It happened. But I don't … I don't hate you, okay? I never could. I don't want to see you hurting like this," you lamented. His lower lip wobbled a little before he clamped down on it with his teeth, glaring at the floor with glassy eyes. 

"You should hate me," he replied tensely. 

"Well I don't. I forgive you. I don't know if that's helps or anything but… you need to forgive yourself, Billy," you said as you moved closer, looking up at him. His eyes met yours for a moment before he looked away. 

He was so tense, hands in his pockets as his shoulders were set and his body was rigid. 

"Does he uh… he treat you good?" He asked, voice strained as his eyes drifted to the window of the cafe before back to you. You nodded, worried if you vocalised it that it might hurt him more. He scrunched his nose a little, his shoulder rolling again.

"He make you happy?" He asked quietly. It sounded like it brought him great pain to even ask and you looked away with a sigh.

"Billy…" you frowned, not wanting to answer. 

"Just… please. Does he make you happy?" He asked again, a little firmer this time. You met his eyes as you nodded. 

His jaw ticked as he nodded stiffly, glaring off to the side.

"Good… good, you deserve to be happy," he muttered softly. 

"So do you," you replied sincerely. Black eyes snapped to yours then as he scoffed. He opened his mouth to no doubt say something fueled by self hatred but you spoke before he had the chance. 

"I'm serious. I want you to be happy, Billy. You need to allow yourself to feel things and one day you'll get that. You'll find happiness one day," you implored.

He blinked at you for a moment, his eyes shining from moisture.

"I want that with you. And I know… I know I can't. I know we can't fix this. But I just… I don't think I could find that with someone else," he admitted softly. He looked so sad and it was wounding you. You hated seeing him so vulnerable and lost like this. It was so far from the Billy you knew and loved. This Billy was the Billy that woke from nightmares about the group home or from when he was overseas. The Billy you'd comforted many times before. It always hurt you when this side of him was out. 

"There'll always be a part of my heart with your name on it, Billy. I'm sorry it didn't work out but it doesn't mean I don't care at all," you breathed. He squeezed his eyes shut and took a shaky breath at your words. 

"This… this is why I never deserved you. You're too good for me, too kind and… caring. I don't deserve somethin' precious like you. I don't deserve anythin' good," he muttered bitterly. You knew this spiral well. How he got in his own head and went down the rabbit hole of hating himself. 

You took another step towards him and wrapped your arms around his neck. You just wanted him to be okay. To stop hurting. He may have hurt you, broke your heart, but you didn't want this for him. You wanted to comfort him and this was the only way you knew how. You felt his arms wrap around you, one fisting your shirt and the other in your hair as he held you close. He buried his nose in your hair and inhaled deeply. 

"Stop hating yourself. Do it for me. I hate seeing you like this," you whispered forlornly as you held onto him tightly. 

His hand in your hair tightened a little and you could feel a slight tremor running through his body. 

"I'm a mess without you," he lamented, slightly muffled by your hair. 

"You need to allow yourself to move on," you replied softly. You went to move away but his arms tightened and you allowed him to hold you a moment longer. He'd called you his anchor once. You hadn't really believed him but now it seemed like he was floating away and you were the only thing tethering him here. 

He pressed a kiss to your hair before releasing you but you didn't step back too far as you blinked up at him. 

"Maybe we… maybe we can…" he trailed off uncertainly and your chest constricted painfully. You really hoped he wasn't going to ask for another chance because shooting him down in the state he was in would kill you. 

"I wanna… could we be friends? I won't… I won't get in the way or anythin', I just… maybe if I could text you sometimes? Just to know you're okay?" He asked hesitantly as his dark orbs flit to the window of the cafe before back to you.

You weren't sure if it was a great idea. You didn't know if it would help if you were honest.

"Billy… I don't know if that's a good idea," you murmured sadly. His eyes bore into you, pleading and desperate.

"Please? I know that I-I can't have you. Not the way I want. But I need you in my life, even just as a friend. You not bein' there at all… it's left a gaping hole and I…" his hand went to his chest, rubbing over where his heart was. 

"Okay, you can text me if you need me. But only as friends," you relented, stating the last part firmly. A small smile graced his face then, eyes lighting up ever so slowly. You hoped this wouldn't be a bad idea. 

"I appreciate it. And… as much as it hurts… to see you with… Jacob. I am happy for you," he said Jacob's name like it pained him but his eyes were sincere as he looked at you. It made you smile a little. 

"Thank you, Billy," you murmured. He gave you another small hesitant smile as he nodded.

"I'll uh… let you get back," he said with a nod. Without thinking, you wrapped your arms around him again, around his middle this time as your head rested on his chest. He didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around you tightly. His hand going to your hair like it always did. You could hear the rapid thumping of his heart in your ear. 

"It was good seeing you," you said softly. You meant it too. 

You always thought it would be difficult seeing him again, and it was in a way. It hurt seeing him this cut up about it. But it wasn't how you imagined it would go. You weren't angry at him, you didn't feel the same pain you did on that day. The only pain you felt was for the broken man in holding you. You wanted to comfort him and you'd missed him. He'd been a constant in your life for a while, even before you officially got together. 

"It was good seein' you too," he sighed, squeezing you a little. When you stepped back, he gripped your face and for a moment it startled you. But he planted a firm kiss to your forehead before stepping back. Once again, you allowed him that. You couldn't help it. 

You gave him a soft smile and he returned it with a sad one of his own. You forced your feet to move as you made your way into the cafe. Jacob was sitting there patiently waiting at a table with a coffee and a donut waiting for you. You grinned at him as you sat down and he leaned over to kiss your cheek.

"Everything okay?" He asked softly, stroking your cheek.

"Yeah," you sighed. You really hoped Billy would forgive himself for everything that happened. He didn't need to punish himself like this. 

"Good… he'll get over it one day. Just give him some time, babe," Jacob murmured as if he knew what you were thinking. You gave him a warm smile as you laced your fingers with his. 

You hoped he was right. You hoped that being friends with Billy would work and maybe help him. You still weren't sure if it was a good idea or not but he seemed adamant it would help him. It was hardly how you ever imagined it would go but it was how the cards fell. All you could do was wait and see what happened and hope that maybe you could help Billy through it. It was kind of upside down and all ass upwards. Helping the man that broke your heart get over you. But you still cared about him and you'd do whatever you could to help him through it.  

[silkylious]

Safe (Kaminari Denki x Reader)

Warnings: slight angst/insecurities, comfort, fluff Pairing: kaminari denki x reader Prompt: #58 “You make me feel safe”

A/N: idk why but i hc that kaminari is actually very insecure but jokes around and shit as a coping mechanism. can you sense the self projection here. hope you enjoy this, it was very fun to write!

You sprung forward, eyes wide awake with alarm. Your mind struggled to catch up with your body; phantom sensations still lingering on your skin, static scenes of vibrant blue flames scorched into your brain as your heavy breaths died down into a slightly more regulated rhythm. This was the fifth time this week. It’s been two full months since the training camp, two full months since you’ve moved into the dorms and you still weren’t over it yet. The nightmares just wouldn’t stop.

You plopped back down on the mattress, exasperated and thoroughly annoyed at having your precious slumber cut short. Again. Honestly, for such a prestigious school, U.A. has probably the worst counseling team you’ve ever seen­– or haven’t seen, because despite several of your classmates showing painfully obvious signs of trauma, the school staff has barely stepped in. You huffed at the administration’s incompetence, turning on your side to glare at nothing in particular. A ping interrupted your train of thought, drawing your attention to the device laying on your nightstand. You snatched your phone, unlocking it and immediately squinting at the brightness before checking the time. Three in the morning. Who the hell would text you at ass o’clock in the morning? You knew who.

Pika pika⚡: [image] [image] [image]

some maymays for when you wake up 😌😌

You: they’re called memes ffs

Pika pika⚡: you’re awake??👀

You: no.

The message was left on seen, though the interface of the messaging up was replaced by that of an incoming call. You rolled your eyes, though a slight smile stretched your tired features at the picture of you and Kaminari grinning at the camera. You accepted the call.

“Why are you up?” His voice came through mildly distorted but still as loud as ever, too loud for three in the fucking morning.

“Can’t sleep,” Your answer was slightly muffled by a yawn, betraying just how exhausted you were. The silence that proceeded was deafening, neither of you uttering a word, but you could faintly hear his even breathing. It was oddly calming. You sigh, lids blinking to fight off your drowsiness.

“…You’re still having nightmares?” Words tinged with worry, his voice was much quieter now, gentler. If anything, Kaminari was a great friend. He’d proven that to you time and time again. He was the only one that could tell when you were drowning in hushed misery, seeing through your well-constructed front like it was second nature to him. For someone so astoundingly moronic, he was extremely socially intelligent, and even observant when he wanted to be. And for the umptieth time, he’s showing you just how easily he could pick up on the small traces of discomfort in your voice, the silent plea left unspoken from your lips.

“Yeah…” The reply didn’t come out as resolute as you’d wished it would have been. But it couldn’t be helped. No matter how hard you willed yourself to level your tone in hopes of fending off his concerns, you knew it would all crumble at some point. Go figure your strong façade would fall apart in front of him. It’s always been him. For some reason unknown to you (yet), confiding in him just felt right, secure.

More silence ensued.

Denki was a natural at detecting people’s emotions, but that’s as far as his expertise would go. Sure, he knew how to encourage others, pushing them past their insecurities was as easy as breathing to him. With bright, golden hues and an obnoxiously dorky grin, all he had to do was utter a few optimistic words and that would get the job done. But comfort? Vulnerability? That was so far beyond the shallow waters he’d grown accustomed to. Sentimentalities weren’t his thing, he simply didn’t posses the wisdom and eloquence needed to deal with such situations. His immediate reaction would be to crack a joke, fruitless attempts at lightening the mood but he knew there was a time and place for jests, and this wasn’t one of them. Awkwardness and half-hearted jabs were his immediate reaction… because that’s how he dealt with his own problems too.

“Hey… can I come over? We can play animal crossing or something,” You sure as shit wouldn’t be able to sleep, not in this state. You needed a distraction. A friend.

“What if we get caught?”

“Would you even care if we got caught?”

A light chuckle. “No,”

“Exactly. I’ll be there in a bit.”

The line went dead, he stared at the blank screen of his phone before flopping onto his back. Why you’d be so open with him of all people when he saw just how uneasy around his other classmates, he didn’t know. The list of people he thought were more deserving of your trust was almost unending, and he wasn’t even close to the top of it. One thought brought forward another, each one getting progressively more deprecative, and the sloppily sewn patch over his self-doubt started to tear, ripped off its poorly embedded stitches. He was confident in himself, until he joined class 1-A that is. He just felt… there compared to his peers. His body was nothing to laugh at, but his build was still considerably lean compared to the people he was around. The fact that such a talented, hardworking person had taken interest in him was frankly baffling. He wasn’t as flashy as Todoroki, or as powerful as Bakugo, or as brainy as Midoriya. He was just him. Lackluster, average him. It only added insult to injury when he’d witnessed how they looked at you. They pined for you, and he couldn’t blame them. He craved you too. But god, the nagging thought that you were wasting your time hanging around someone like him, that he was stealing you away from people who were (in his opinion) glaringly more worthy of cherishing you than him, it just wouldn’t go away. You had so many stronger, smarter, better options out there that he couldn’t help but be reminded of how lacking– inadequate he was compared to seemingly everyone else. And yet you chose to get close to him. In a superhuman class full to the brim with prodigies and workaholics, you picked him. It didn’t make the slightest bit of sense.

He was fished into reality and away from his sea of self-doubt when he heard three consecutive knocks on his door. Just how long had he laid there, wallowing?

The door creaked open and you were greeted with the glorious sight of Kaminari in a Pikachu onesie, a ruffled (adorable) tuft of electric, blonde hair peeking out from under the hood. You snorted.

“Nice pj’s,”

Denki blinked, looking down only to realize that he hadn’t changed out of his onesie because of his overthinking session. An embarrassed chuckle escaped him as he scratched at the side of his cheek, a lopsided smile and a cherry tint creeping up his complexion.

“What can I say, I always have to be on brand.”

You loved that about him. He seemed so laid-back, uncaring, willing to roll with whatever punches were thrown at him, playing off jocular comments and rude insults alike with practiced ease. Giggling past him, you situated on his bed, ready to forget about your nightmares and just have fun with your friend. And if Denki was a genius at anything, it was having fun.

Hours flew by at the pace of minutes, it was now six in the morning, the sun had begun to show its yellow glow and you’d spent the entirety of dawn kicking Kaminari’s butt at Mario kart, sharing laughs and fleeting touches. He liked this, you liked this. Despite knowing that he wasn’t by any means the best suitor for you, he couldn’t halt the need to monopolize you. How could he, when your very presence (unbeknownst to you) shoved his insecurities unceremoniously into the backseat in favor of enjoying the moment with you? He hadn’t a clue how you did it, but you always managed to shoo away his doubts just by being there, and he selfishly couldn’t (and wouldn’t) let go of that. You immersed him in riveting ventures of the now, miles and acres away from his overbearing thoughts. All without even trying, without even knowing it.

It was the weekend (thank fuck) and sleeping in sounded like heaven on earth right now. If it weren’t for your nightmares. The fear of recounting those horrid memories in horrific detail again barred your eyes from sleep, regardless of how spent you were. Apparently, Denki’s spidey-friendship senses kicked in again, because he immediately noticed the apprehension on your face, the stiffness in your movements as you were preparing to leave. He knew exactly what was up with you, and he couldn’t let you leave like that, it would eat him up for days. He grabbed your wrist as you turned for the door.

“Do you wanna stay?”

Maybe it was your exhausted mind finally turning into mush, or maybe it was the softness in his voice, the docile concern in his eyes that made you agree on staying. Your compliance surprised you both, honestly. You were both very aware that you wouldn’t have accepted the offer had it been anyone else. But in retrospect it seemed rational. After all, throughout the whole night, not once did you think back to the horrors that would visit you in your sleep, not once did you feel the crippling anxiety clawing at the frayed edges of your psyche. Instead you felt secure, sound. Safe. And you came to an epiphany. Maybe it wasn’t the idea of sleep that scared you, maybe it was the impending loneliness, isolation and uncertainty that you’d often experience without him.

“Yes,”

You laid there, facing each other, a considerable distance between you. No words exchanged, yet you could tell there was a lot on his mind. He decided to voice it all in one question. He knew you were smart enough to catch the underlying self-doubt in his vaguely worded inquiry. Whether you pointed it out or not was entirely up to you, however.

“Why did you say yes to me?”

The articulation caught you off guard, you’d never seen him so… unsure before. Your mind raced with the different possible implications behind his wording, though you decided to quell them all with one single sentence. You smiled, soft and lazy, moving closer to seek out some of his warmth.

“You make me feel safe, Denki.”

And he really did. Even though you came to the revelation mere minutes ago, you accepted it swimmingly, it felt right to do so. It startled you how ready you were to embrace the newfound feelings, but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Kaminari was stunned, to say the least. He hadn’t expected that response from you and he honestly still couldn’t rationalize it completely either. But for now, the budding feeling in his heart trumped over his ever-present uncertainty, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

[for-fucks-sake-h]

I was tagged by @oh-honey-styles thanks babe! This was so fun, it’s been a while since Erika and I jumped back into the Smooth Operator world 🖤

Rules: Choose a couple of favorite photos/gifs of your character, copy and paste the questions down below, answer as if you’re the character that’s been tagged, and then tag some characters/authors you would love to see answer next! (BTW, you’re also allowed to tag an author again if they have more than one character you want to answer these questions!)

1. If you weren’t doing what you’re doing now (work/study), what would you be doing instead? I think I would still be in some type of Anthropology, I just love it so much. Maybe something like a museum curator? Yeah, I think I would love that.

2. If you could change one thing you did or didn’t say in the past, what would it be? Probably not telling Harry how I really felt about him from the beginning. We spent so much time apart when we didn’t need to. But I do believe things happen for a reason, and it did make us stronger in the end. Just wish I would have followed his lead when he gave me the opening instead of shutting down.

3. What’s one personal secret you haven’t told a soul? God, I really struggle with anxiety. H knows that, but he doesn’t know that there was a time once, when I was just so down I really contemplated just picking up and going home. I was struggling at work and I remember the way it was bleeding into our relationship. I bought a plane ticket. I was really just going to up and leave. I even started packing. I can distinctly remember crying at 3am while I packed. But I couldn’t do it. I saw him everywhere, I couldn’t do that to him. I told him the next day that I needed help, and he helped me, no questions asked. I’m so glad I didn’t leave.

4. If your mum texted you right now, how would that make you feel? I have an ongoing text with my mom so it wouldn’t be much different then a normal day. Harry and I FaceTime her and my dad every Sunday to check in. Wow that just reminded me how nervous he was the first time we were planning to FaceTime them. He asked if he should cut his hair! God, he’s adorable.

5. Have you pictured your future? If so, what does it look like? Ever since we had little man, I feel like our future is so much brighter. I really look forward to when he gets a bit bigger and the three of us take trips together. Just being able to show him the world with Harry by my side. ❤️

6. What is your Zodiac sign and do you agree with it? I am a Leo sun and a Capricorn moon and rising 😬and yes I agree with it 😂

7. Do you use social media? If so, what kinds of things do you post? If not, why not? I don’t have any personal social media just because of my job, and honestly I’m a pretty private person. I do have an anonymous blog that I really enjoy though. I share art and cooking and decor, all kinds of lifestyle things. I really love it, it’s a great creative outlet for me.

8. Who’s the most important person to you? Both my boys. Come on, I can’t choose one. They’re my whole life.

9. What are your interests and hobbies? Harry has been teaching me to play the guitar 😊 I’ve really loved it. And sometimes I’ll read him old case studies from my school textbooks because I’m a nerd and he always asks so many questions, which is really cute. We love baking together on the weekends too. And we’ve been attempting to learn Italian. Well, I’ve been attempting, Harry is a natural 🙄

10. Have you ever been in love? Why/Why not? I have, I am, I always will be ❤️ He is my best friend and the most amazing human I’ve ever met. I don’t want to get too gushy, but he’s really special. And I’m lucky to be his.

I tag: Mia, This Relationship of Ours @harryforvogue Could Be Lethal MC @idk-who-she-is Soph, Love Song @punkcupcakestyles Ishika, Rumor Has It @stylishmuser

[spin-birdie]

there was a conversation in the rk1k discord about a spiderman au a while back and i decided to try write something about it bc its consuming like 30% of my brain

idk if i’ll write more (im way better at writing ideas down as bullet points instead of prose) but man it just seems like a neat idea idk

word count: 1.6k

pairing: general

additional tags: human au, physical violence, gavin is an unsympathetic rat boy

Look, Connor considers himself a calm person. He’s level-headed at the best of times. But he’s pretty sure even the calmest person would panic at least a little if they got stuck to their bedroom wall.

One hand is completely splayed out on the ceiling, the other one still stuck to his sneaker. His feet aren’t quite flat on the ceiling, but he certainly wouldn’t have a comfortable fall if he stopped sticking to everything. Why he’s sticking to everything, he still doesn’t know.

He doesn’t know why anything that’s happened to him today has happened; he grew a good three inches taller overnight, he accidentally stuck to his biology textbook - and subsequently tore it to shreds - this morning, and it’s like he’s jumping at the slightest provocation. There’s been a foul taste in his mouth all day, and he swears he somehow burned a piece of paper he chewed on, but he hasn’t got a fever. It doesn’t make any sense.

Even so, the thought sends Connor’s anxiety through the roof…more to the point, his anxiety is making him stick to the fucking roof.

For no good reason, he keeps thinking about yesterday. The field trip to the CyberLife Lab, the spider that crawled onto his hand and left him a painful, bruising bite. The tour guide said something about the experiments they were running on arachnids and other small animals, genetically enhancing them with nanobots in an attempt to slow or prevent extinction, or…something. But that doesn’t make sense. There’s no way to confirm the effects are transmittable to humans.

It’s probably not helping him at all to scream his head off, but he’s not sure what else he can do. He’s pulling his hand away from the ceiling as hard as he can, even trying to pry it off with the sneaker in his other hand, but it’s not working. He’s just putting more cracks in the paint.

He can’t see the door opening from his angle, but he hears it, followed by his dad’s voice: “Connor, are you o-- What the fuck?!”

At the same time as his dad swears, Connor finally frees his hand with a startled yelp. Drywall flakes off with it, but it doesn’t quite fall into his face before his entire upper body falls down with nothing to hold it up. The upside-down view of his room, of his dad’s confused and horrified expression, makes Connor nauseous.

And just a second too late, it strikes him that he’s hanging from the ceiling of an old house by nothing but the balls of his feet. With a dull crunch, the drywall above him gives out and he plummets to the floor. Connor’s fall is half-broken by his bed, but his knees land straight on the floor. Carpet be damned, it’s a rough landing.

And now there’s a perfect handprint of missing drywall on Connor’s ceiling.

---

Okay. So maybe Connor has unhuman abilities thanks to a genetically altered spider. That’s fine, probably. Kind of. Once he figures out how to ignore them, everything can go back to normal.

And for a few weeks, it’s almost like Connor gets away with telling himself that blatant lie. Ignoring them during school is hard and stressful, but at home, he’s free to throw theories (and himself) at the wall to see what sticks; and once he’s done that, he knows how to avoid triggering them. It gets a little bit easier to stop sticking to everything, to stop burning whatever enters his mouth or visibly jumping whenever something sets off his fight-or-flight reflex.

Maybe it’s a smarter idea to tell someone. Or maybe telling someone would be the fastest way to be locked up in a government facility and experimented on until someone wrote a book about him. Or maybe he’s being paranoid, but still, Connor has a bad feeling that he doesn’t want anyone to know what’s happening to him. And apart from his poor father, no one seems to know.

“Hey, jackass! I’m talking to you!”

That might change if this guy doesn’t leave him alone, though. Connor’s sharpened foresight allows him to step out of Gavin’s reach before he can grab Connor by the back of his sweatshirt. Instead of turning back to face Gavin, he pulls up his hood and keeps walking as fast as he can without looking conspicuous.

Gavin reaches out again, successfully pulling Connor back by his backpack. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

As Connor is forcefully spun around, he barely stops himself from glaring. “I’m pretty sure I’m not. And I’m pretty sure this isn’t even the way to your house, so you ought to turn back and go home.”

Predictably, Gavin ignores him. “Don’t play coy. You promised to help me out with exams, remember? I just need your English notes; I’ll bring them back safe and sound tomorrow, alright?”

“When I promised to help you, I thought that meant tutoring you. I’m not letting you copy my notes. Especially if you’re copying them word-for-word.”

“That was one time--”

“If you don’t want to listen in class, that’s your own problem.” Connor can’t quite stop spite creeping into his voice when he continues: “I’m not letting you get us both in trouble just because you don’t want to stop being an asshole.”

“Watch the tone, robot,” Gavin sneers.

“If you literally ever watched your own, I’d consider it. Instead, you have to waste all your energy on being the biggest dickhead on the planet and pretending you’re not just like every other mediocre straight guy ever.”

He shrugs Gavin off and steps back. “Ask someone else for help. I’m done talking to you.”

That proves to have gone too far as soon as Gavin shoves Connor back into the wall of a nearby building. His backpack stops his body from colliding at full force, but his head still gets knocked pretty hard. Right before Connor recovers, Gavin moves forward and punches him straight in the diaphragm. He doubles over for a moment before Gavin grabs him by the jaw and shoves his head back against the wall.

“Alright, smartass! I’ll give you one more opportunity to do this the easy way.”

It dawns on Connor just then; they’re alone. Connor is the only kid who goes home this way, and he doesn’t live in the nicest part of town. At school, there are always witnesses, no way for people to get away with beating each other up for very long. Out here, people probably won’t step in unless Connor runs for help, and he’s not sure if he can get away fast enough. At least, not without setting off his powers.

Connor bares his teeth. “Smartass this, retard that, do you even know my real name? Is your brain that small?”

Gavin hits him in the stomach again. And again. Connor thinks he hits a kidney on the third strike. And then he makes a snap decision, jerking his head to the side and biting down, hard, on Gavin’s finger.

“Ow, what the fuck?! Ow!”

Gavin recoils, clutching his hand like it’s on fire. Connor didn’t expect such a strong response, but he’s just glad he hasn’t got his back against a wall, and he wants to keep it that way. Without thinking, Connor grabs Gavin by the ears and headbutts him with all the force he can muster.

He promptly realizes a human skull is harder than he thought, so he hurts himself just as much as he hurts Gavin. And he’s within range for Gavin to reel back and knee him directly in the groin. As he curls in on himself, Gavin throws him to the ground and kicks him again in the stomach. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

He doesn’t stop, he even kicks and stomps on Connor’s ribs and face a few times for good measure. There’s blood in his mouth, and he’s not 100% sure it’s Gavin’s. He pulls his hood all the way over his face in an attempt to protect himself.

And a few moments later, it abruptly stops. Gavin breathes like he’s tired, but he’s not kicking Connor anymore.

“What are you doing?!” an unknown voice shouts. “Leave them alone!”

Gavin swears through gritted teeth, and Connor hears footsteps sprinting away. He doesn’t get up. The newcomer murmurs under his breath - their? It’s a masculine voice, at least - before more steps are heard. A hand rests on his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

It takes Connor a few moments to find his voice. In the meantime, he drags himself into a sitting position, wincing at the pain. He’s definitely going to have some spectacular bruises, and that’s a best-case scenario. “I think so,” he grits out.

“Can you tell me your name?”

Connor lifts his hood enough to look at the stranger. A tall guy with tawny skin, who looks to be a little older than Connor. His head is shaved, but there’s a ghost of stubble on his jaw. His eyes are heterochromatic, focused intently on Connor even as he not-too-subtly gawks at the stranger’s arms. He’s obviously athletic, and the tank top he’s wearing doesn’t leave a lot to the imagination.

Oh, right. Still bi.

And still in immense physical pain. Connor leans over and cradles some of the worse pain spots. “I’m Connor.”

“Markus,” the stranger replies.

Something feels amiss all of a sudden. It’s close to that distinct feeling Connor gets when he’s in danger, but there’s something off about it. It’s pulling him towards something instead of away; towards Markus, specifically. Some unheard epiphany is pulling at the corners of Connor’s mind, stronger and stronger until it snaps. Almost simultaneously, they speak:

“You’re like me…”

[mcrmadness]

Feeling like some underlying anxiety needs to get out so here we go...

Hi. I have generalized anxiety disorder. Usually it’s behaving just fine and usually I get along with it. I just overly worry about things, I overthink and I can have minor anxiety attacks because of that. Sometimes I get bigger anxiety attacks but usually I’m able to get over them on my own. Sometimes I’m not. However, yesterday evening and last night were the worst in a long time.

I was triggered by something and my violent intrusive thoughts came back. In my case it means I start to worry about going insane and that I would do something terrible and later regret it. Something that I would never ever want to do! And I don’t actually think I would even be capable of anything like that which is why it makes it so terrifying because I’m literally afraid of falling into a psychosis. And I have never had a psychosis. And I don’t know if it’s just my mind shattering into pieces or my GAD just acting out, making me worried that I would go insane. (If you think of it, I’ve never been actually sane tho :D)

I was able to push these intrusive thoughts away by avoiding the thing that triggered me and I tried to do something else instead but since they are intrusive thoughts, they still keep popping up. I hate the images they create into my head.

Eventually I got super tired and decided to go to sleep and while I was in my bed, I felt it again. The anxiety attack taking over. At some point I had some sort of chronic anxiety and I was in that kind of state 24/7 but I’m pretty sure it was because I was quitting antidepressants and I was eating those with a very low dose, trying to get rid of them. And I had had something “traumatic” happen to me too (first time getting actual suicidal thoughts but in form of intrusive thoughts which meant I just felt so terrible I wanted it to stop and at the same time being terrified of doing something terrible because I still did not want to die! I have never wanted to die, I’ve more of been afraid of it. The reason for this was me just being under so much stress and not eating nor drinking enough + I had been lowering the dose of the meds so drastically at the same time that my brains could not take it all.) which probably caused the anxiety to kinda stick.

I’m actually really scared of the feeling of not feeling good and wanting everything to stop because I literally have no idea what to do with that and it causes me even more anxiety. It’s terrible. I have had these moments several times in my life and they have been really traumatizing. I am someone who cannot tolerate not feeling good, which is probably stupid because life isn’t that perfect ever? Anyway, I always start to feed it with something, basically “self-medicate”, usually literally feeding aka the first thing I start to do when I start feeling bad is to start eating. That often helps, maybe because food gives us endorphines anyway, but also because I often link it to low blood sugar which can has very similar symptoms to anxiety and I have had a hard time telling them apart too, having really bad obsession with my blood sugar levels (I don’t have diabetes, that’s why I call it “mental diabetes”) and I’m pretty sure I have even gained weight because of eating for “low blood sugar” which was just chronic anxiety or me getting anxiety from the idea of not having access to food in case of low-blood sugar aka anxiety attack. When I started to carry around these “fructose pills” and realized that I can eat whenever I want and it’s no one else’s business if I eat something in public (which is sometimes actually really hard with social anxiety, especially in quiet environments), no one even cares! So just having these with me (I literally have them everywhere, even in my bathroom if I’d need them while in the shower) helped so much that I don’t really even need them. It helps to know I have access to something that will increase my blood sugar levels if needed prevents the anxiety attacks and I don’t need to constantly eat because I’d be afraid of not being able to eat.

So since you know how I often eat when I have anxiety and it often helps too, the worst type of anxiety is what does not go away with food. Because then I’m again in this place: not feeling good but not having any idea how to feel good again! I’m afraid of this because... can you get traumas from your own old defeated depression? Anyway, I’m always afraid of the depression coming back. It was terrible time and I was feeling so terrible so often and that’s why I’m super scared of having to face those feels again. That all ended when I was 17, sitting in the kitchen, again feeling so terrible. I still can remember having low blood sugar - this time probablly FOR REAL because I barely ever ate nor slept because I was never hungry and sleeping felt like a waste of time, so I lost weight but I did not see that either. Until one day I looked at the mirror and realized I was quite skinny and I got so bad case of anxiety that I felt like eating fucking everything from the house because I had always been so determined that I, I do not have an eating disorder! And I did not understand when people said I have lost weight and my parents even were worried that I would have an eating disorder. But I was just so... I knew about eating disorders, I never felt fat and I never felt like losing weight so I was always really shocked and annoyed by people saying that because I had no problems with my self-esteem whatsoever. And so when I realized I had been losing weight, I got so scared by that and I literally wanted to gain weight in one night and I started obsessively eat that night because it was so damn scary to see myself be that skinny. I don’t really think I was underweight tho, but I sure was malnourished since I ate basically never. And I was drinking lots of coffee because it made me laugh.

But yeah, I remember that one night when I was again have one of these “low blood sugar episodes” where I would just feel sick and sit in the kitchen or toilet meanwhile feeling like vomiting and trying to eat something to feel better again. And I had one of these anxiety attacks too and I was just staring at the shadows on the rug and I remember to thinking to myself how I started to feel the old depression to come back. I could feel it approaching and the same stuff from couple of years earlier coming through. And I just thought myself that this has to stop, I can’t live like this anymore. And the next day I told my mom that I’m not feeling good anymore and I need to see a doctor and that I agree on even trying on antidepressants for this, I just need this feeling to be gone. And so did happen too, I ate them for 5 years until I quit at the age of 22.

I have that feeling still so strongly in my memory that I’m always afraid of it coming back. It’s just so terrifying feeling because I feel totally helpless and that I can no longer help myself. That is why I always start to have anxiety attacks when I don’t eat properly. I’m sure this was one of the reasons to trigger last night’s episode because I have been eating so badly cos I have had no energy nor inspiration for cooking. My sleeping schedule is again doing whatever the fuck it wants and I’m again not taking care of myself. Every time this happens that I don’t shower, at properly or start to stop care about my sleeping habits, I start to fall into that dark place. Or not really fall into there, but this kind of behaviour reminds me of it so much I start having anxiety attacks until I get my shit together, go to shower and eventually cook a real meal. I think I got my low blood sugar anxiety only so that I remember to eat. As a kid I always had trouble knowing when I need to eat because I either was never hungry or I “felt hungry” all the time but had no appetite, so I usually ate when I was offered food but I never ate because I would be hungry. A few times I ate because I started shaking and knew to tell my mom I need to eat. But usually I just ate because there was lunch or dinner or because it was a habit for me to get a snak (usually toast) when I came home from school and watch tv while eating. So the food anxiety in my head is like the adult telling me that you haven’t been eating in a while, here, take food.

I often think how good it is that I am a teetotaler. I’m very sure that if I ever drank alcohol, I would be an alcoholic. I once saw on TV how someone was talking about his alcoholism and that he drinks because it makes him numb. And I realized that it’s really good I’ve never been into alcohol because I would probably self-medicate too so strongly I’d probably never be sober because I’d just try to make myself numb. In a way this is also interesting because so many people become numb because of their depression, in my case I definitely am not numb, I just feel shit and I am aware of that and I’d rather be numb than feel that! But I guess if you feel shit for long enough, you eventually will get used to it and become numb... in a way that happened to me too but sometimes the awful feeling woke up anyway and made me feel like I want it to go away. Maybe me being highly sensitive person just makes that feel even stronger and therefore unbearable, idk... (I don’t have depression right now, but I definitely have had and I feel like I am one of those people who could fall back into depression any minute and that’s why I try to take care of myself to prevent that from happening. My depression is also a secretive type, just like the one when I was 17, I thought it went away but I was telling myself so and I had a hidden depression for 1,5 years before I figured it out. And still only after starting with the meds I realized how I was NOT fine!)

Last night I felt that again and my thought are always “no, not this shit again!!!” and I actually fell asleep but I just felt the anxiety raging all over in my body. A few hours later I woke up to go to the toilet and I was also covered in sweat and my blanket and everything were so so so wet. At that moment I actually felt a lot better tho, calmer and when I went back to sleep, I felt like I had “dreamed away” that anxiety. Anyway, I woke up again couple of hours again but the anxiety was back, maybe also low blood sugar (the real one this time) as I was shaking and feeling nauseous. I’m still feeling slightly nauseous and weird even tho I have been eating, but writing REALLY helps me with these things every time. I guess the intrusive thoughts are not that strong anymore which is great, so maybe this is just the aftermath anxiety. Sometimes it can last for a very long time. The last time I had this was when a few years ago MCR uploaded all the uncut versions of their music videos to their YT channel and I was watching those and boom, suddenly they triggered my anxiety because I was watching their dvd literally 24/7, it was on always when I was awake, because I used it as a background noise to hide away my own anxiety. So seeing those videos be on repeat triggered anxiety that lasted for like a few weeks :D But I got over it. (And I still love MCR, they helped me with so many things, I wouldn’t get triggered by the videos if they did not help me!!!)

But I need to shower now, finally. I’m meeting with the neuropsychiatric trainer in an hour so at least I can talk about this with someone. But I can already feel a lot calmer now, even tho I have some small snippets of anxiety going around the whole time but it might also be because I realized that the Apulanta gig will already be on NEXT FRIDAY.

[byebyechloe]

So I’ve been contemplating writing this for awhile...

about.... let’s see, I need to do the math.

we broke up January 15th.

Then we talked until, what would you say? the third Monday of February?

Yes, February 18th. I remember that night well. It shook me to the core, that's when our break up... really began to be our break. up. 

but then let me throw this at you. this low low low LOW number.

18 days. (That’s how many days you had me blocked. I’m assuming... if not less. I accidentally came up on that realization one day. So who knows.)

I took the ballsy choice of adding you back on snap, being subtle. you added me back the same night, and thats when it all began again. 

well... kinda, took us until, when? probably like 2 Fridays later? I slid into your texts to tell you about a artist I liked and thought you’d vibe too. Ironically, you already fucked with him too. 

Then that next weekend I gave you the entire snapchat tour of the 2nd Ben Rector concert we didn't attend together, but this one we had planned too...

and then I think... the next Friday is when I took a huge risk on my mental health and dropped sam off at Julies and off I was! back to the place in the middle of the damn trees, just to spend a night with you again, that I thought would just be a random hook up, and then we’d just let it all go again. but no.

I left that bed with plans to be back the next weekend, and then plans to hangout when you moved home for the “short” time you had planned before “moving away back east”, that ended up being an entire summer, and you ended up being A LOT closer than you planned when you did finally move away again in October. But this moving away didn’t happen of course, until after another big “I'm sick of you!” argument from us both (after an ironically, perfect Saturday with you. I still think about that night. so cute and romantic in the weirdest, not romantic way.) and then we talked on and off for another time. this was a little longer than 18 days, but wasn’t longer than 3 weeks. And you were back around, and I was stronger alone, but so was my strong belief in the damn signs I've been getting the last fucking YEAR of us doing this ~thing~ of ours from the big guy up there (imagine me pointing, yanno me, i’m an awkward bitch who points, bet you can imagine my torn up nails too. you always remind me to stop biting them. thanks for that.)

Oh.. yeah, hey, happy 1 year of crossing paths (again, if you count the years we didn’t really /know/ each other, but were in the same friend circle... somehow. idk.) and taking away my right to say “i’ve never fallen inlove like for real for real!” (my words, not society’s.) 

But yeah, when I sit here and type, I realize I won’t get as much out as I will whenever you give me the chance to say it all out loud (if you could be /so/ kind), but let me get to my favorite part of the last 365 days.

I’ll start with the fact that... that night.... I almost cancelled on you 3 fucking times. This was before I caught on to God’s lessons that he embedded in our encounter and friendship. Now I see this was his small beginning and it was with the fact that we both come from two different lives and backgrounds, that being symbolized by the fact that I usually eat dinner at like... 5 pm. and you are a more 7 pm guy. By 6:30 I was not only hangry, but beginning to let my anxiety and trust issues from my past start to creep in. “He is really gonna pull this? after 3 weeks of us talking? AND its the day before my birthday? how rude.” I thought. I even told my friends twice I wanted to drop the date, and they both said to do what made me happy. But yanno what I did that I never do? especially in that season of life I was in? (this was “fuck guys, none of them deserve me anyway) phase, by the way. I’m still in it, but you’re an exception.)

I just said... “no. I’ll give him 10 more minutes”.... three times. But yanno what?

It was the best decision I ever fucking made in my ENTIRE life. (other than that one time we... yanno... had sex for (my) the first time (ours together). Sorry but I mean you saw this coming right?) 

You kept me talking and laughing from the moment I walked out of my front door that night... all the way until, well, that night we broke up in January. Yet, I think you still made me giggle a few times before we finally hung the 3 hour phone call up. 

OH! Our first date was November 15th, 2018. Crazy... we broke up literally... 2 months after our first date. That’s super weird. This isn’t the first time that dates have aligned like that in my life. It’s whatever, ANYWAY. 

Back to the story! So. Yeah. Best night of my life. seriously. Going out with you that night was the best decision I ever made. It was so fun and sweet and carefree and I was so happy. 

Bro-- you make me /SO/ fucking happy.

 Even after all the shit we’ve gone through, I’d still pick you over any guy on this damn planet, and that says a lot about me considering you’re very deep into your “bachelor szn” of life right now. Which I’m happy af for you for, that is a sick time of life, and you deserve to live it. I just appreciate you keeping me around for the nights you want someone to hold and kiss and watch movies with. (the dinner was an added bonus, and very sexy. so keep it up for me pls. I promise I will reciprocate my thanks.)

But anyway. The 1st date, it was the night I think God sealed the deal of the whole “you’re gonna fall inlove with this guy when y'all kiss” thing. I never really believed in that shit, partly bc I hated hallmark movies and hated the entire feeling of love after what I thought I knew from my last big relationship before you, but I was so wrong.

I still think about our first kiss a lot, and I hate to admit that because I am not that OOZY with love and emotions. But I do. And I never realized that was the night I fell in love with you, I realized that the last night you and I stayed at Julie and Camden’s... yanno before you met some new girl and started seeing her like 3-4 nights a week? yeah same. I wasn’t a complete mess though, I worked on school and fell in love with the art of teaching, so that was cool. But yeah. That night. You and I literally had so many nights like it this summer, but, yet, THAT night is when I was trying to fall asleep and the memory of our first date was like “yo what up bitch time to relive this day again.”

and I did. and it was amazing. and then when it got to that kissing part (Sam was so annoyed by us, I think. I don’t really remember. it was THAT good of a kiss my dude.) I really realized that is when I began to believe in the fact that a man could possibly love me, or care for me, or just like me again. I was so happy. 

I have learned so many lessons from this whole 365 days (and counting) experience. Let me explain.

- be patient. (THIS was the biggest and hardest one, and its ongoing. I want to say I’m doing better.) I've had to really stop myself from getting upset and remind myself, “God wouldn’t keep him around in my life like this if he didn’t have a reason too.” He’d give me all the signs to leave. I’m not too blind to look at both sides, I just see more promise in the good side than to be dramatic and listen to the bad side. I see dedication and hard work on the good side. 

- be trusting. (Now I know you get me when I say, trust issues take up your whole damn life. Maybe not as much anymore because we both are/have gone through the stage of life where you learn “people only take as much as you give. So give a little at a time.” which is what your doing now, and is what I learned to start doing... then I met you and ended up dumping all my trust into you. but not in the way you may think, it has taken this entire year for me too. so you’re welcome). I have really started seeing how much I trust you, and how much you deserve it. But I won’t lie and say there aren’t times you don’t deserve me, and I KNOW that. But I refrain from screaming it at you, because.... what is that going to help at this point? The time isn’t here yet, if it ever comes, but if it does, you’ll know I’ve waited to say it, followed up with the whole hearted reason I never let it be why I gave up, because I never will give up on you.*

* When you and I started dating (11...24...18.... yeah. you get why I put it in numbers, right?) You told me in text that night to not give up on you, because you’re still young and still learning. I said I understood and wouldn’t, because you made me (and still do) the happiest girl on this earth. no cap, boo. You also said it and say it almost every time you are drunk and next to me in bed. “Don’t give up on me baby. please.” and my most favorite time, which was Christmas, “Don’t give up on me baby and I swear, I’m going to make our life together so damn great.” and yanno? I still believe it. and Always will. (scouts honor, boo.)

- Be understanding. (This one is gonna get deep.) So, I know, most movies will show you a girl who is a friend of the girl in love, or the guy who is the best best friend of the guy who is also in love tell one of the two that they need to just man up and say how they feel to the other one, even if that other one doesn’t want to believe it. Or better yet, tell the person THEY don't see how inlove they are with a person. Now I won’t sit here and act like I haven’t wished I could come across you with the desire in my heart to just tell you “don’t you see how fucking perfect we are for eachother?” because thats not realistic. That would of pushed me away from any man (and actually has before) who said it to me. SO WHY would I ever try to make someone push you to believe it? Let alone myself? You will realize it yourself someday, or maybe a friend will notice it and mention it to you, but I won’t ever be the one to tell you I think you are dumb for not seeing our potential. I’m fine with waiting until you figure it out. As far behind as you are in the feelings and independence stage in life... emotionally... I am in the independence and living stage... physically. We just did things backwards. 

This is getting long (if it wasn’t a surprise) but...

I love you, boo. I always will, and apparently have since the first night you took me to chilis. So let’s just say this has been a wild year, but I can’t wait for the rest of the others. 

Have fun with whatever/whoever you’re doing, Hope to see ya soon and get my face wash back that I “forgot” two weeks ago.

love, 

your future wifey, hehe. ;)

jk.

love always, Chloe. (or when you like to make me mad, Coco.)

[hotshotshitshow]

i guess just because ive been on a roll lately and also oversharing is my lifelong passion i want to verbal diarrhea a lil bit about my own experience of coming to the conclusion that im a lesbian so pls feel free to ignore if u want or whatever i just have Lots Of Thoughts and i just want to get them out. this gets sort of weirdly long winded and shouty and ranty so im sorry. catharsis!

even now i still feel some level of .... idk? shame? regret? i dunno. about the fact that i didnt come to the conclusion that i was a lesbian until i was 25 bc that feels so late to me even though i know for a fact that there are countless other people who came to similar realizations about themselves when they were much older than me.

and ngl there is even a little bit of envy that there are so many kids so much younger than me who seem so sure of their identities (even though i know there are loads of kids who arent sure!!!) and there are moments where i catch myself thinking of myself as “less of a lesbian” because i didnt allow myself to face the fact that i was one until fairly recently ..... and i am still learning so much and trying to cultivate my own identity and just all around see myself as “less experienced” (whatever the fuck thats supposed to mean) than others which undoubtedly is a part of the massive chasm that all my self confidence gets sucked into daily.

but like obviously its not like just BOOM one day i was like “from here on out i am a lesbian now!!!!!!! :)” bc even from a very young age i was always more drawn to women and could not wrap my head around the idea that someday i would have to marry a man and completely idealized my mom’s best friend who was a big burly woman who drove a truck and wore flannels and knew that i wanted to be just like her when i grew up and never ever marry a dude (which in retrospect was sort of weird because my mom usually hates women like that and i grew up with her periodically warning me to “stay away from fucking dykes theyre mean awful ugly women”)

and then the always confusing for everyone period of middle school where i dated a boy for three days before breaking it off because the whole situation gave me more anxiety than i could deal with but i just chalked it up to me being an emotionally immature teen but also being completely obsessed with my best girl friend and wanting to impress her and have her attention all the time and being unable to understand why i was so upset when she started dating some  guy and me just assuming that i was upset because i had a crush on him that id never realized i had before

and then id go home and spend hours online looking up content for my favorite shoujo-ai anime ships and talking with other wlw on the gaiaonline guild forums and asking them questions about how you knew if you were gay or not and if liking almost exclusively girl/girl ships meant you were gay and only being told in response “plenty of heterosexual girls like girl/girl ships!! youre the only one who can tell if youre gay or not!! :)” and just feeling completely confused and alone and having no idea what to think!!!! and then having one day that i remember very specifically where i had a shining moment of clarity for all of half an hour where i thought “i AM a lesbian!!!” and feeling so happy in that moment before my brain took over with the thoughts of “but what if you come across one particular guy sometime...... can’t rule out that possibility” but i knew i really wanted to be a lesbian but just could not allow myself to think i was one

and then fast forwarding up to undergrad where i briefly dated an online guy friend (hi) for like. a month? and then abruptly breaking that off in the worst way possible because i had no fucking clue what i was doing and once again chalked it all up to being emotionally immature and from that moment out identified as aromantic because i figured there was something fucking wrong with me and romance was just not something i could do!!!!! and thinking there was absolutely no fucking way i could be a lesbian and it was completely not even remotely an option because there were certain aesthetic things about men that i appreciated and also never once having had a “proper crush” on anyone or at least not one that i could identify because everyone always talked about love feeling like fireworks and something big and id never felt that for anyone ever so obviously that meant i was incapable of love!!!! so i shoved the whole notion of trying to figure myself out way way way down and didnt look at it for years afterwards 

until i got into graduate school and for some fucking reason my brain decided it was time to dig all that old shit back up and i SUDDENLY COULD NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN SCREAMS. and feeling more attracted to women than ever even though i always knew that i liked women 

and i still couldnt entertain the idea that i might be a lesbian because even though id been in a very happy relationship with beansly for a few years at that point and knew for a fact i was not aromantic there was still that thought of “Ok But What If You Meet One Guy Sometime”

and this sounds dumb as fuck but it wasnt until beansly straight up told me “if i had to label you id think you were a lesbian” that my brain went “what if theyre right” (TO WHICH I IMMEDIATELY WENT NOPE but acknowledged that the fact that they called me that made me feel really really good) (but kept thinking about that and kept bringing it back up to myself and ruminating over and over and over it) and then even more dumb as fuck i couldnt admit it to myself until i saw a fucking tumblr post that had something to the effect of “a common thing for lesbians who dont know theyre lesbians yet is that they really want to be a lesbian. its ok to be a lesbian” AND THEN I FUCKING CRIED LIKE A LITTLE FUCKING BABY AND HID UNDER MY BLANKIES but the fucking relief and validation my dude but then being presented with a whole new heap of Problems such as “how the fuck do i come out to people. everyone will think i am faking and Not Enough” and just having to deal with the struggle of owning that label and allowing myself to feel good about it and not let my brain convince me that i am somehow unworthy. and i am completely worthy because i love women and not men and thats the one fucking qualification i need to meet so my brain can go fuck itself into oblivion. ive spent so much time worrying over how much of myself i owe to men and holding myself back for a man that does not exist and will never exist and part of why i keep excitedly bringing up the fact that im a huge fucking lesbian is because in my mind its a huge testament to my personal progress and taking ownership over myself and no longer holding myself back over hypotheticals

so yeah anyway at the end of the day i still have so much more growing i need to do and i still see myself as a small shakey little chihuahua with a big mouth but i am a damn stronger person than i was even a year ago!!!! and learning that your attraction and what label you identify with is supposed to make you feel good was one of the best things i ever learned. i just really wish i could have had the self awareness or at least resources that i have now when i was younger and could have figured it out a little sooner. i know it doesnt make me “lesser” and technically i am still a very young person and have my whole life ahead of me but. idk i just wish id had it in me to be more honest with myself sooner. idk how other people can be so sure of themselves when they are so much younger. that just wasnt me i guess

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🥀🖤NEW UPDATED BIO🖤🥀

🥀ιzzу21.i❤️&MissMySonAnthonyMartinez.RIP2KimberlyOlivarez,RIP2JeremyBaraz&IshmaelBaraz.RIPGrandpaHarold.RIPKeraAndrews. RIPJuanTorrez, RIPMamaLisa (One 0f My Foster Parents) RIPDad (Tortured/Abused Me In All Ways),RIPGrandmaSarah (My Mom's Mom) Biromantic-Asexual.Sтαуѕтяσηg.вαттℓєѕcαяz.GOD.TraumaSinceAge4TillJuly2018.Occuring24/7.BяσкєηNDamaged.RIP2Me.Surviver.Vocals&Creator@Br0k3nR0z3z.R3c0v3ry.i❤️M0M.i❤️PeteWentz&Tyler Joseph.Queen0fJupit3r.W3ird.Singer.Actor.Writ3r.2Caring.Ace8ItOut.🥀 UrNotAlone. I make movies,Music,freestyles,vlogs,shows,shortseries/films,I'm here4everyone. my solo musician project."Br0k3n R0z3z".All content on this channel owned by me. MyWattpad Ms_SweetInsanityyx (IWroteABook)

Lyf Beat [Search4 "Surviving My Mind_Tripp2iLL"]

[My Twenty One Pilots Clique Amino Profile: http://aminoapps.com/p/v2eot0

My Username: 🖤Izzy_Is_An_Angel_Too🖤]

💛💛🖤🖤🥀Hi I'm Izzy, Yes I AM A FEMALE THAT IS 10 MONTHS SOBER AND IS A BIROMANTIC ASEXUAL AND I DO NOT DATE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Stay Alive. && Be You, Cuz Your A Somebody. x I'm Here To Change The World, The Universe, && I'm Here To Make A Difference, I wanna save, help, fix, care, be there, support everyone and everything. One Day At A Time, You Matter Your Important, You Have A Purpose, Your Enough, Your Worth It, Your Someone, Don't Let Anyone Dim Your Shine, Remember What Yo Fighting For, Thank You For Existing. I Know Rock Bottom, Hell & Back, Trauma, Pain && Darkness From Top To Bottom, Stay Alive. I Love Helping Others, I Don't Know Who The Hell I Am. But I Am Here. Spread Good Around, Not Evil. Take Care Of Yourselves.🥀🖤🖤💛💛

L0ADiiNG;

██████████████]99%

System Malfunction; Errors: Brain Possession, Sanity Loss, Mind Damage, Overthinking, Too High Maintenance, Loss Of One's Mind, and Killing Of OnesSelf Slowly.

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ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡

WARNING: I help everyone and everything obsessively (I am there no matter what, I'm here to be there and help in any way, shape, or form possible. So if you need someone, you can contact me on my socials.)

My 1st Email: crowdgoeswild86@hotmail.com

My 2nd Email: daveycoverdale@gmail.com

🖤💛🥀Okay, let me tell y'all a lil bit about this channel, if you go to the home page of my channel.

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Yᵒᵘ Oᶰˡʸ Lᶤᵛᵉ Oᶰᶜᵉ

τнänκ чöü♥

๖ۣۜǤнσsτ༻

《ℛιzε》

ℛɨᎮ昇

I'm Already Dead, So Leave Me Be, My Love

.•♫•♬•♬•♫•..•♫•♬•♬•♫•.

.•♫•♬•♬•♫•..•♫•♬•♬•♫•.

"Up All Night, Got No Shuteye

Sick Of Life, Bloodshot Skies

Don't Tell Me Good morning,

Don't Tell Me Good night"-Copyrighted By Me, I Own This Song. Just Get Some Sleep, Okay?

Angelique. Is. Not. My. Name

call me Izzy, that's what I go by.

Ps: Mental Illnesses Are Not A Trend; STOP MAKING THEM TRENDY PEOPLE. It's real fucking shit. Trust NoOne. Haha. I'm the weirdest girl y'all will ever meet.

Don't Judge Anyone/Anything Unless You Have Already Walked In There Shoes. You Know My Name, Not My Story.

I love my mom to death. She also keeps me alive. She's my world.

It's Midnight here. So just stay safe. Goodnight xx

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.Got love4the streets and all of you. Stay Up Fam x “If Y0u Talk En0ugh S3nc3 Than Youll Lose Y0ur M!nd” #SilenceIzB3tt3rThanBullsh!t🥀

Hi idk what the fuck I'm doing? xx

Goodnight my amazing lovelies xx

Every Rose Has Its Thorn xx

You Grow Stronger Everyday xx

Izzy, shut the hell up, your being negative again xx

🖤🥀Fake Smiles All Around🥀🖤

🖤🥀It's A Very Very, Mad World🥀🖤

💛🥀Goodbye Reality, Welcome To Dreamland🥀💛

💛🥀Would Y'all Shut Up, Your Disrupting My Train Of Thought🥀💛

🦋🖤Go To Sleep Izzy, Try Again In The Morning🖤🦋

God Is Good, Amen!

Pray For Me, My Love

I Miss You Anthony, My AngelEyez

I Miss You Izzy, Your Not You Anymore

R.I.P xx _ xx Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez xx_xx She's Not Dead Physically.

__Let's Have A Minute In Silence, For The Addict That's Still Suffering__

🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀

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L0ADiiNG;

██████████████]99%

System Malfunction; Errors: Brain Possession, Sanity Loss, Mind Damage, Overthinking, Too High Maintenance, Loss Of One's Mind, and Killing Of OnesSelf Slowly.

ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•

ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡

࿇ ══━━━━✥◈✥━━━━══ ࿇

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ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•

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🖤🥀Updated A Lil Part Of My Life Story Summerized🥀🖤

.♪★I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, on Step One &10 MonthsClean.

♪★My deceased father tortured me since I was 4 (I fought back at age 9, when my dad's torture got worse, (on multiple occasions on our he injection me with Meth and Heroin (inside a parked car at Carl's Jr

♪★now I've been homeless 13 times

♪★I rose a 9 year old kid (now 14 years old) named Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was In an abusive foster home (the same one I was in), so me and my motel roommate and ex girlfriend of One Year. Kimberly Marie-Olivarez took him in

♪★I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away, (under Kimberly's false accusations that I "gave him drugs")

♪★im known for police, fire department, AMR, sherriffs etc.

♪★Jeremy Baraz & Ismhael Baraz, got shot && I saw the entire thing , and I almost got killed as well

♪★I was Prostituting/got sold, got drugged up and abused for money for us (To raise Anthony, and have a hotel for me Kim and him to live) and she killed herself (right in front of me and I tried to st0p her, but I was to late

♪★ I've been raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up.people on the streets, Kimberly && many more)

♪★I was in Foster Care a couple times, ×°the 2nd time i was in abusive/Drug addicts, Angela and Jimmy Miller (they tortured, force fed, raped, abused, but me, drugged me up, had multiple people (over 40 a day) come in an rape me one by one

x°first a foster called GHS with staff instead of parents

x° and with Lisa (who was like a grandma to me but she passed away later on so I moved , later finding out that she attempted suicide)

♪★I’ve been in 215 mental hospitals (ETS, Loma Linda, Arrowhead, Cedars Cienai, San Bernardino Community, Delamo, The Willows "CRC", Auoura Charter Oaks, Auoura Las Encinas, UCI, Canyon Ridge, Kaiser, Kaiser Sunset, College Hospital)

♪★lock down treatment centers,1in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, ♪★multiple treatment centers

crisis centers (Crisis Stabelization Unit a 24 hour crisis center [CSU] over 80 times)

♪★2 week mental health and drug/alcohol programs (STAY Program (2x), Jumpstreet, Excelsior House, Rancho West, and Telecare Lagos...2x each)

♪★group homes (Rancho Domocitas), ♪★Boarding Cares (Golden Girls, a SSI paid house of all girls)

♪★rehabs (Cedar House 2x, CHYC, and multiple others)

♪★shelters (House of Miracles, Lutheran Mission, Set Free Ranch, Path Of Life, and many otherz)

♪★the streets (13 times homeless/on the streets, LA, OC, Menifee, Riverside, Murrietta, Mission Viejo, Corona, irvine and San Bernardino)

♪★been in car accidents (over 10 times)

♪★i have anger issues (extremely bad), been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade

♪★I’ve attempted suicide over 50 to 100 times

♪★I’ve self harmed on multiple occasions (in all kinds of different methods)

♪★I have bipolar (manic depressive disorder type 1 mixed episode).

♪★depression (major depressive disorder).

♪★paranioa.

♪★anxiety.

♪★Buliemia.

♪★insomnia.

♪★Dissociative Identity Fued.

♪★skitzoaffective (extreme skitzophrenia && bipolar mixed) ♪★PTSD.

♪★ocd.

♪★attachment disorder.

♪★Autism.

♪★borderline personality.

♪★amnesia.

♪★multiple personality disorder. ♪★anorexia.

♪★&&..i helped the homeless and people In hospitals (I help everyone way toooo much)

♪★been 0n all mental Health medication (I mean ALL)

♪★ People Tried To Send

Me To Metropolitan State Hospital(highest level of Care)

♪★IMD (Institution For The Mentally Diseased) on multiple occasions

♪★ive been to many therapists, physciatrists, ER's, and been on 51/50, 52/50 holds , concervertaship

♪★and lastly ive got taken away from my mom on four occasions (personal reasons)

♪★I’ve never had a stable home since 2011, now on Augest of 2018 I’m finally home

♪★I help others cus im used to people not caring about me

♪★I have trust issues, im always there to help to care to make sure there OK.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #178

“for such a little thing, you sure are in your own way.”

What’s your favorite type of bird? Barn owls are actual deities. What was on the last sandwich you ate? Pb & j. What sort of music did you listen to when you were in high school? Same stuff I listen to now, although I had a mild screamo-ish phase. Have you ever gotten back together with an ex? No. How far away is the closest store to your house and what is it? Some cheap dollar store in the town, dunno names. What is your favorite Thai dish? Haven't tried any. When was the last time you made out with somebody? Over a month back. What month of the year was your mother born? August. Are there any candles in your bedroom, and what scent are they? No. What TV show(s) have you been watching currently? None. How many apps do you have on your phone? Six. My phone has so, so little storage ugh. Have you ever dated a smoker? If not, would you? No to both. Are there any movies you’ve seen so many times? Yeah, sure. Of course a lot as a kid, Finding Nemo and The Lion King 1 & 2 especially, then I've watched both Blair Witch Project movies a lot, Jim Carrey's How the Grinch Stole Christmas... How would you describe your sense of humor? Sarcastic. What’s your favorite type of bread? Pumpernickel. Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? Yeah. Have there ever been any brushfires/wildfires in your area? Yeah. What did you have to eat for dinner last night? Nothing (Thanksgiving was lunch). Do you have separate emails for personal and business? No. Have you ever missed a flight? Yes. Do you know your significant other’s passwords? No, I have no reason to. Would you like to study abroad one day? No. Does someone have a crush on you but you don’t feel the same way? Idk. Who do you feel most beautiful around? Sara. /v\ What’s one makeup item you cannot live without? I could easily live without any. Is there one thing all of your ex’s had in common? All guys. Did you french kiss before you were 16? No. Imagine your spouse just died; would you get re-married? I don't know if I would. Like... I'd never stop loving her, so "moving on" to someone else just because she's no longer physically here would feel disloyal. What’s your favorite thing about life? New, fun experiences and creating strong bonds with people like you. Who pays for the first date? Idrc, but probably whoever proposed the date? Or split the bill? Have you ever had a friend that got a bf/gf, and then completely ignored you? Yeah. Do you play any computer games, if so, what ones? Not currently 'cuz my gaming laptop has to be fixed. :| When it is and I have my own income, I might return to WoW, but I'm not sure. I think the subscription is kinda high, and I have more important things to handle. What is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen? Idk why I find White Chicks so goddamn funny. What lyric means the most to you? Off the very top of my head, "A bloody war behind my eyes; I'll come all right on the other side" from "Free" by Mother Mother. Really makes me think of all I've been through but how I keep coming out stronger. Who is the smartest person you know? Girt. What’s the next movie you will see in theaters? Idk. Are you adopted? No. What band do you like that most people hate? You canNOT look me in the face and say you don't like at least one Nickelback song. I don't get the hate. Any new bands that you actually enjoy? Oh idk. What is your escape from reality? RPing. Do you have any self-inflicted scars on your arms? You can only just barely see them. Do you like “scene” hair? YEAH AND I ALWAYS FUCKING WANTED IT BUT I COULD NEVER POSE IT CORRECTLY 'CUZ MY HAIR WAS TOO THICK AND HEAVY. Have your parents ever been to jail? No. If your friend asked you to hold their drugs, would you? Definitely not. Does it scare you when a relationship moves too fast? Y E A H Would you ever consider hitchhiking? I don't know if I would even in a desperate situation... I don't trust people. Have you ever hitchhiked? No. Have you ever been to a music festival? No. What color car do you want to have? Burnt orange. Would you rather hike a mountain or explore a cave? Explore a cave!!! Would you rather wear a flower crown or veil? Probably a veil? Do you believe peace on earth is attainable? I honestly don't believe so. What type of tattoo do you want? s o  m a n y What is your favorite insect? Butterflies. Would you ever live in the desert? Nooooo. Fuck the heat. Is your town beautiful? I don't really live in one, but the closest town isn't. Which season do you want to get married in? Autumn. Are totem poles cool? YEAH! Favorite art forms? Conceptual photography. What kind of music do you enjoy? Plenty sorts of metal, rock, and alternative. Do you have any gay friends? Yeah. Where is your favorite place to go? The zoo, even though I have mixed feelings about them... Do you know your dad? Yeah. How often do you get on Facebook? At least once a day. Are you related to anyone who’s in prison? Don't think so?? What concerts are you attending in the near future? Y'ALL I MIGHT FUCKING SEE OZZY IN JANUARY. He and Megadeth are coming to Charlotte and the tickets aren't too bad. :') It's a loooong drive but Mom was like "hell yeah" when I told her and wants to buy tickets after she gets her tax return AH. Metallica is a possibility too, but Mom doesn't think she can afford it. If you were kicked out of your house, where would you go first? Dad's. What are you currently looking forward to? Sara's b-day, Christmas, hopefully getting my laptop fixed, aforementioned concerts, and school. What was the reason you got grounded for last? Idk, that was a long time ago. But most likely for "talking back" to Mom. The last two people you kissed, are they virgins? Yes; probably not. Is there a guy that knows everything or mostly everything about you? Yeah. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? A bit to the left. If you could have anything delivered to your doorstep each morning, what would it be? Um,,, money?????? What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? New York City. Heard from my sister it's a shithole with the craziest and rudest people known to Planet Earth. I'm not big on cities, anyway. Which animated character is your all-time favorite? Uhhhhhh... Dory, maybe? If you could own a home on the shore of any body of water in the world, which waterfront would you choose? I WANT THE PINK BEACHES OF THE BAHAMAS. But I'm scared of the Bermuda Triangle so will probably never see them. :'''''') What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? MY RECOVERY. If I got through what I have, I can't ever give up and roll back down that hill. I'm focusing to always improve. If you could have any round object in the world, what spherical item would you want? t h e  g a m e s p h e r e ,  l a d s If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? Practice eyes or start a poem. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? Hmmm... OH, maybe a big cat's tongue licking meat. See how it actually shears tiny bits off. Cats' tongues are cool. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? Take my anxiety med at the right time. If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? Compassion. You’ve been offered the chance to paint a billboard along a highway with any message you choose, as long as it’s only 10 words long. What is your message? Oh jeez, I'd have to think too hard on this. Who’s the last guy to give you roses? Tyler. Did your parents do drugs when they were younger? Not to my knowledge, and I doubt they would've. Do you have any relatives who live on a different continent than you? I don't believe so. What are your religious beliefs? Were you raised with those beliefs, or did you develop them on your own? I'm a theist, entailing I believe in a creator, but I know nothing about him/her/it. I personally picture them as a peaceful and sage deity that allows life to go on without it intervening anywhere, letting the world evolve on its own and see how we adapt to our unique settings and handle life. In the end, I believe we are either given some form of paradise or a type of damnation depending on how you wrote your story. I like to imagine the good go to their personal vision of "Heaven," and I wonder if the paranormal activity some experience in life are the acts of the damned, apparently confined to remain on Earth or something. Anyway, I wasn't raised with such beliefs; they were developed. I was brought up Catholic, then I turned to just simple Christianity as I didn't agree with a lot of Catholic ideas, and most recently I abruptly turned away from that in favor of theism. How did you and your significant other celebrate your last anniversary? We went out for breakfast. What has been your favorite house/apartment/etc you’ve ever lived in? My last house for location, as a house itself, my childhood one. What’s something in your house that currently needs to be cleaned? I need to vacuum my room. Do you still remember any of the dreams or nightmares you had as a child? Yup. What’s the most bizarre conspiracy theory you’ve ever heard of? The world is donut-shaped. Yeah. Do you have a good sense of direction? Not. At. All. Who was your first crush? Did you ever actually date them? Dylan, and no. What’s the weirdest, rudest, or most ridiculous thing a guest has ever done in your home? Who knows. Has anyone ever told you you’re manipulative? I don't think so. Do you know anyone who owns their own business? No. When was the last time you weren’t 100% sober? Uhhh maybe that movie night with Colleen and Chelsea. Is obtaining a college degree something that is important to you? Well, for my possible career future. Have you ever eaten at a vegan restaurant? No. Do you view substance abuse as a disease or a choice? I have... mixed feelings here. Starting something, that is indisputably a choice. Becoming addicted though, I'm not sure. Some people have addictive personalities so have a bigger inclination to become addicted, but isn't that just a personal trait/weakness you can fight?? I dunno. I know it's labelled as a disease by people way more informed than me though, so. What does the last text you sent say? Don't feel like checking. Does it bother you when people call you ‘ma'am’ or ‘sir?’ No. I live in the South, that's polite. Have you ever been obsessed with a television character? Does Dory count for movies? ha ha Do you ever wish you had powers of invisibility? Not really. What was the last thing that changed your life completely? Recovery. Do you have any step siblings? One. Have you ever been questioned by the police? No. In which state/country were you born? NC, U.S.A. Have you ever been to an amusement park out of state? Disney World. What do you normally drink when eating at a fast food restaurant? Coke or Mountain Dew. Have the police ever been looking for you? Not because I did something wrong; I've told the beach story a few times. If you chew gum, which kind is your favorite? I love the watermelon Hubba Bubba one asjfawoeu Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yeah. What was the last liquid that you choked on? Water, just this morning when I was taking my meds ah. How many times did you wake up today before actually getting up? Well, I woke up once in the middle of the night like usual, then I woke up at like, 6-something and went back to sleep. Who did you celebrate your last birthday with? Mom, sises, Ash's husband and kids, and Dad stopped by. Was your last kiss initiated by you or the other person? I think it was kinda a simultaneous thing. We were saying bye. Do you buy a ton of things at the store at once or just for that day? Mom does the shopping, but it depends on how much time she has and what's at the house. When getting dressed do you put your pants or shirt on first? Pants. When you kiss a person where do your hands usually go? I actually don't know if it's a consistent thing for me??? I don't kiss anyone regularly so I don't recognize a pattern. What is one song you listen to that you’re sure not many people do? "False Flags," probs. Massive Attack is so neglected of the attention they deserve. Do you use a handrail on stairs if there is one? Yes, I'm scared of tripping. What was the last thing you saw that made you smile? Teddy came right up into my face wanting attention. What is your favorite drinking game? Never played any. Do you have any tattoos that you don’t like anymore? I think I've mentioned why I don't love my "ohana" one now. I'm getting it covered at some point. My "perfectly flawed" one is probably getting covered by a much bigger piece; I picked a bad location for it to want a sleeve. I'd just maybe redesign it, put if somewhere else. Do you have a shower curtain or door? Curtain. Who was the last person from your high school graduating class you saw? Probs Colleen? Who was the last non-relative you hung out with? Sara. Are you listening to anything right now? I'm way too obsessed with "Black Wedding" by In This Moment (feat. Rob Halford). Rob makes it, and the chorus is awesome. How many keys are on your keychain? One. Who was the last person you took a photograph with? Ryder, my nephew. Are you left handed? No. What were you most scared of when you were little? Losing my mom/being separated from her. Are you biracial? No. When was the last time you painted your nails? What color(s)? I couldn't even guess. Has a stranger ever offered to buy you a drink? Thank fuck no. Have you ever overflown a bathtub? Don't think so. What’s at the top of your to-do list in life? Stay positive, never stop aiming to improve. What was the last thing you shared? Well, Thanksgiving food. Where are you most ticklish? Feet. Do not- Which cartoon character do you want to keep as a pet? Uhhhh how 'bout an Espeon. I imagine them to be calm and silently affectionate like cats and very intelligent. Have you ever considered a career in music/acting? No. When was the last time you felt seriously embarrassed? Getting food yesterday. Per usual, let things die down, but I still ended up crammed in a corner, unable to go in any direction while someone was trying to get past me. I was headed for an anxiety attack and felt like a total nuisance. I'm pretty sure it showed in how I was whipping my head around, shuffling in various directions, clearly wanting the fuck out. Have you ever liked a song, looked up the lyrics to it, then hated it? No, lyrics can't ruin a song I like the sound of. What would be the icing on the cake for you this Christmas? A PS4, omg. I have to get my laptop fixed and a new camera, so I highly doubt I'm getting that or a tablet considering cost. I want to play the Spyro Reignited trilogy beyond words, like I refuse to even watch a let's play because I want to experience it all first-hand, but. Yeah, unlikely anytime soon. If you had the opportunity to live forever, would you take it? Noooooo. Do you like quesadillas? Only chicken and/or cheese ones. Did you like the show Invader Zim? I surprisingly never saw it. What’s the greatest/most influential song you’ve ever heard? "Life Won't Wait" by Ozzy always makes me wanna get off my ass and do something. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen in a grocery store? A HUGE BOX OF ANIMAL HEADS IN THE MIDDLE OF WAL-MART, BECKONING THE FURRIES INTO ITS DEPTHS. Have you ever bought yourself a present on Christmas? No. Well, I've used money I've been given on Christmas, if that counts. Have you ever been on a mechanical bull? No. Do you need a key card to get into the building you live in? No. Have you ever stepped in chewing gum? Yes. Name all the people you know that you’ve seen today. Just Mom.

[fairycosmos]

+ i have a job interview tomorrow and i just cant go. its a rlly good job but i just cant. idk why. maybe its my anxiety or me sabotaging myself again. i know my mom will think im a failure. but i just want to keep studying. i want to keep trying. it just feels more important. i want to want be alive before anything else. do you think im lazy?? iknow you'll never anwser this but should i go anway? is it awful that i never had a job? i just feel like a bum. idk sorry for putting this on u.

hey. no, i dont think you’re lazy at all. quite the opposite. i admire you a lot for caring so much about your studies, for wanting to make something of yourself and for continuing to try your best even though you’re going through such a difficult time at the moment. that’s a lot easier said than done, and yet you’re still managing it, which is really fucking cool. you should be proud. and listen, i’m 18 as well, and i’ve never had a job either. it’s super, super common. it’s not like it’s easy to get a job these days, especially while you’re still studying. and just cause you’re older now doesn’t mean you’re singularly responsible for the financial situation of your family. it’s not just down to you to make money, and that’s not your sole purpose in life. also, you’re definitely accomplishing more than i am, seriously. i know the world kind of pushes the idea that you’re only worth something if you’re constantly being used, if you’re constantly providing money or results or good grades. but that’s genuinely not true. it takes years and years to come to terms with the fact that it’s not true, but it’s not. honestly, how ‘well’ you perform from a capitalistic standpoint doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. how you treat others, how you choose to experience life, your interests and your hobbies - those all say more about you than whether or not you have a job. i know you’re not going to believe me, but you being here is good enough. your presence is the most important thing.  it probably feels like i’m lying, and it will for a long time, but if you start letting that idea into your mind, you’ll begin to accept it eventually. 

your parents clearly have fucked up priorities. and i’m sorry. because you deserve so much better than that. having a bad relationship with them will always be shitty, and you’re totally allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about it. anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, guilt. process it all one day at a time. as long as you try to cope with those emotions in a healthy way (letting yourself cry, talking about it, writing about it, practicing self affirmations), then you’re doing fine. but at the same time, there comes a point where you have to realize that your family have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. they really, really dont. if they only want to acknowledge you when you’re in a top school or when you have a great fucking job, then they dont deserve you at all. they wont even give you a chance to find your balance. seriously. they wont even cut you any slack. you owe them nothing but respect and since they dont respect you, you dont even owe them that. i dont know how else to put it but i cant stress it enough, they’re awful for making you feel so bad for no reason. i know exactly how you feel. and it’s just. like there’s no point in constantly overexerting yourself for the approval of people that are NEVER going to be satisfied. how they feel about you isn’t actually about you. it’s about them, and their own fucked up mindsets. you are not alive to serve them. you are not alive to be exactly who they want you to be, you know? this is YOUR life, not theirs. and it’s the only one you’re ever going to get. so if you have to make a few choices that disappoint them, then so be it. they’ll either get over it or fuck off, and either way you’ll be better off. it’s ok to start making choices for yourself, man. and it may take some time before you work up the courage to do so, but that’s alright too. it’s all a learning process. 

it seems like your anxiety/depression is the real crux of all of this, though. it’s really worrying, what you said in your other ask. my heart dropped reading it. if you dont confront that issue then you wont like it anywhere, because you wont like being yourself. whether you get a great job, or make a shit ton of money, or continue to study. whatever path you take, you’ll only be truly comfortable if you make your mental health a priority. you have to take it seriously. it’s okay to put yourself first, before the people around you, before school and work. because struggling with a mental illness is one of the most difficult things in the world. and you dont have to beg anyone to understand that. are you currently on any medication, or seeing a therapist or some sort of counselor? if you are, is it possible for you to ask for additional support? and if you haven’t spoken to anyone, is than an option for you? even if you just begin by talking to your usual doctor, to see if he/she can refer you to someone? if you’re worried about money, there are low cost/free options, too. it’s just that, suicidal thoughts are not something you just have to ‘put up with.’ and they’re certainly not something you have to deal with alone. others have been exactly where you are, others understand more than you realize. you dont have to hurt yourself outwardly to show that you’re hurting inwardly, alright? if you believe anything i say, believe that. your life is so precious and rare and significant, man. and where you’re at right now truly isn’t where you’re always going to be. you’re not trapped, you have a choice to make. making the conscious effort to seek help, to admit that you need some guidance, will make a massive difference in your perception of everything. if you work closely with a professional, then you’ll be able to create a care plan for yourself, you’ll be able to learn how to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into your life, you’ll be able to find the root causes of why you feel the way you do. you’ll be able to talk openly about your family, and the way they make you feel, and your worries about the future. all of that will make the pain manageable. there is treatment available. it wont be an instant improvement, but reaching out is a wonderful place to start. your mental health is just as important as your physical health. and of course, there will always be a part of your mind that tries to talk you out of it. there’ll always be that moment of anxiety/fear, when you dont know what you’re doing. but you need to try to look past that, and to have a bit of empathy for your future self. temporary feelings should never stop you from getting the care that you need. so even if you just begin by calling a hotline to see what they think you should do next, then that’s still something to be v proud of.

i know it’s hard. i get it. i understand more than i can put into words. and i know that asking for help is a massive step. i’m not saying you have to make any big decisions right now. i’m just asking you to consider it, consider yourself for once in your life. i know there are days where you feel like living like this isn’t worth it at all. you dont want to live like this anymore, right? and you dont have to, but killing yourself wont solve anything. it’s ok to feel like giving up sometimes. as long as you know the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. you dont have to lean into the pain, you can just let it wash over you. your mental illnesses and your family and all of the bullshit is stopping you from seeing how wonderful and worthy you are, how much life still has to offer you. there’s so much you haven’t experienced. there is so much happiness waiting in the future. it won’t be constant, but it’ll become a theme in your life. you have all of the time in the world to figure things out. this is the exact age that you’re supposed to be confused and lost, and to not know what to do. you don’t have to have everything worked out right now. you’re doing so much better than you think you are, i promise. the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of yourself. that’s the only thing that’s truly in your control. you can create a better environment for yourself. you can create a life that you dont want to escape from, and that’s what you truly need. not to die but to re-envision your own existence. it’s healthy to do that from time to time. 

as a sidenote, it’s completely up to you whether or not you go to the job interview. there’s no pressure, there’s no wrong answer. but i just hope you know it’s okay to take things at your own pace, regardless of what your dumb ass family has to say. i think the smartest move for you to make is to put all of your energy into reaching out for help. continue to study, just put it on the back burner for now. continue to look for a job (tho i think smth part time is realistically a better option for you), but dont put all of your self worth into it. more than anything, this is a transitional period in your life. it’s the stepping stone between here and there. uncertainty is to be expected, anxiety is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you have to handle it all on your own. i believe with all of my heart that you’re going to be okay. you said ‘i want to be alive before anything else.’ you should always hold onto that. you’re so fucking capable, and you’re so much stronger than you realize, dude. i’m not bullshitting. i’m being straight up. keep taking it one day at a time. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is something to celebrate. look at the next 24 hours of your life, and see what you can do in that time to help yourself - fuck everything else. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’m sorry i couldn’t be of more help. if you ever need anyone, hmu. if you think you’re going to do something, hmu. and please stick around. you’re not going to regret it.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[ghostliied]

Kouki and Mimi!!

Ships | Accepting | Mobile

Rate the Ship -  Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - a very, VERY, long time.

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - Mimi at first wants nothing to do with him romantically. Problem is that the more she spends time with him, the more she starts to fall in love. She denies it – its probably unrequited anyway – and she would probably carry it to her grave that she fell for Kouki and never said anything to him. How fast though? Not very tbh. Again all she really cares about is that she wants to take care of him. I have no idea what switches inside her, but something does, only that it takes time. With Kouki though, again it would be a while, but if he fell first she’d probably notice but try to ignore it cause she’s in denial. should wouldn’t say anything about it to him either. It’s up to on whether or not he admits his love to her.

How was their first kiss? - HAH okay. not considering all the little small cheek and forehead kisses, I think a real kiss on the lips would go something like this. One of them is having an episode – like they are freaking out. And depending on who fell for who first determines who kisses who first. so like if Mimi fell for him first, he’d be the one having a panic attack. she just kinda??? grabs his face??? and kisses him to get him to stop thinking?? why he would panic, she’d probably told him something that was relating to the DW and her. like she tried to be as vague as possible and not bring it up but he just asked and she didn’t know how else to like… avoid it and what she told him is most likely either he scar or her back – or why she takes medicine – or SOMETHING that’s really heavy and personal. and she wouldn’t have said anything but he kinda finds out and asks or just asks her cause he simply wants to know and get better at knowing/learning stuff about her. and yea that’s how he kinda panics I guess (cause again what she says is not for the lighthearted) so yea. the kiss kinda was a way to get him to just forget everything else and just focus on her as a person and her feelings right now cause she’s actually fine right now, she’s happy and he makes her happy and she wants him to know so badly. Now. lets take it the other way around though. right? With Kouki having those feelings first and Mimi is the one freaking out. Now I know she’d have a panic attack that’s different than him. Like at this point, she’s already crying. she’s shaking and terrified and she’s just not in a good place because she’s afraid that Kouki won’t want her around. She has anxiety for that and seeks that attention but not as an attention seeker, she just wants to be loved. so when Kouki probably asks her something that’s very VERY sensitive to her and she’s not ready, she freaks out and starts crying. again different than Kouki. with Kouki, bad memories come back yea thats fine. With mimi it’s not the bad memories, she can handle that, it’s more like she’s afraid that Kouki won’t want her around anymore cause he does’t like her anymore. She’s an angel yes, but she’s a fallen angel and she doesn’t see herself as one so like??? she kinda doesn’t think she deserves to be around Kouki sometimes. idk how to explain, but… yea. But anyway, Kouki kinda? doesn’t think that because he’s?? already fallen for her so nothing she would ever say would probably scare him away. so he, in an attempt to get her to calm down, would kiss her. and she stiffens at first and has no idea what’s happening, she’s lost her bearings so she’s just lost but the moment she looks and notices it Kouki, she loosens up and kisseshim back even though her cheeks are warm from crying but like. nothing matters to her anymore. it’s actually a really heartwarming first kiss. super unexpected, but still. yep.

ANYWAY THIS IS GETTING LONG SO …. I’m just gonna put a read more. MY BAD.

Wedding:

Who proposed? - Kouki probably.

Who is the best man/men? - Barry

Who is the bride’s maid(s)? - Dawn probably? IDKK??? 

Who did the most planning? - it was a bit of both, but probably Mimi. She wants it to be kinda perfect for him. not for her, for him.

Who stressed the most? - both were stressed but if different ways. Kouki without a doubt though was stressed more. but again they were stressed for different reasons.

How fancy was the ceremony? - It was actually a very humble wedding despite Mimi stressing out about it and all. but it’s better cause its small and cute and despite her planning everything, it’s so comfortable and she’s not even stressing during the wedding cause she’s just so happy. Honestly though – wedding is probably somewhere in the country cause yes. Unless Kouki wants it some place else.Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - Cyrus, but mimi would probably be upset about it a little but wouldn’t argue. 

EXTRA on the non-invites: tbh somebody would make sure that Giratina isn’t there. Her adoptive parents would make sure he doesn’t show up via Mimi. since she’s a portal for Gira, they’d probably make sure through a some sort of special binding magic that keeps her grounded and ‘locked’ from Gira. Kouki would actually probably even help too. like no more Gira for Mimi plz. Let her be happy in a healthy relationship with Kouki.

Sex: *insert fade to black here tbh.*Highly doubt it happens often with these two but she is Demi so..?? who knows??But I’m not gonna go into much cause its something I’m not gonna discuss with you sorry.

Who is on top? - Kouki if he actually acts upon any desires.

Who is the one to instigate things? Kouki, maybe sometimes Mimi though if she really feels like it and wants to make him happy.

How healthy is their sex life? It’s very little tbh not gonna lie. Their relationship is a lot more stronger on the romantic side of things. so… I really couldn’t tell you. but!Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now

How kinky are they? yea lets not.

How long do they normally last? idk??? again?? i really don’t know.

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? um lets not.

How rough are they in bed? SIGHS. no.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public |6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - none. infertility is a bitch ain’t it.

How many children will they adopt? - 2.

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - Uh. Mimi? Or Kouki? IDK depends on the kid Kouki had one, and Mimi had the other I guess for diaper duty. Pretty sure Mimi hates it though so with the kid she had, she taught them very quickly lolol. Though she really wouldn’t mind taking over diaper duty from Kouki… When she’s not sleeping. 

Who is the stricter parent? - Kouki..??

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Mimi

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Kouki. Mimi is a bit absentminded and distracted on other important matters like making sure they’re not taking their clothes off and making cute outfits and hair styles.

Who is the more loved parent? - they are both love equally.

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? Kouki. Mimi would be too stressed tbh.

Who cried the most at graduation? - Mimi? Mimi. Yes def mimi.

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - Insert Kouki here running from the po-lice with his children over his shoulders like *bitch not today* all jokes aside though it would most likely be Kouki. But Mimi is WAY better with the diplomatic approach and could convince anybody to let her children go without paying charges.

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - tbh though. I dont know. Maybe Mimi since she doesn���t do much else. but she’s a superb cook and Kouki loves her food.

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Kouki maybe. but anything Mimi makes, he loves.

Who does the grocery shopping? - Mimi would, but then she’d forget something, so Kouki.

How often do they bake desserts? - Mimi bakes a lot for Kouki because again, she doesn’t have much else to do.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - Salads. Salads all the way.

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Kouki.

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Neither.

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidentally while cooking? - um. Rori.

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - Mimi

Who is really against chores? - Kouki

Who cleans up after the pets? - Chai and Kyu

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Kouki Rori

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Kouki: “yes hello, hi, you can go now k thx.”

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Mimi

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - depends. Mimi takes longer baths, but kouki takes longer showers. 

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - bruh the pets walk themselves. all jokes aside, they go together.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - very often. Mimi loves decorating.

What are their goals for the relationship? - let these two be happy and live long lives together. Doesn’t matter if they get mad at each other, as long as their relationship is a happy and healthy one.

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - Mimi without a doubt. They may be both tired 24/7 but Mimi over-exerts herself and burns herself out fairly quickly. That and she’s a night owl. She doesn’t do mornings.

Who plays the most pranks? - Rori and Adi would have prank wars that get everybody involved tbh.

[paperhattt]

An update on me and my fanfics:

Hey everyone. I’ve been meaning to post this for a super long time and finally am going to. For quick answers: YES! I am going to update “Revenge: A Dish Best Served Cold” Don’t worry I know it has been on a super long hiatus but I will not abandon it. Also I’m so sorry to people who have sent me questions and mail, I really need to respond to those I know.. 

For anyone interested in why I’ve been so absent and only really reblogging posts on here, and have been on a hiatus from writing, explanations are below: 

I’m going to try to keep this brief but I know it probably won’t be since I ramble. (Yep I’m right this is long ahh)  

My life has been pretty stressful. College started for me back in August, and it is my last semester before I will transfer again to start on a Bachelors degree next. I’ve been devoting a lot of my time to my classes because I want to end strongly to boost my GPA some more. (Right now, all A’s! But lately I’ve majorly slacked in one class, so fingers crossed I get a decent grade in it..) 

There’s been personal matters going on that have affected me a lot to where I have not felt any motivation to do anything what so ever. I haven’t been able to focus on things (like writing or schoolwork) and have been pretty restless. 

Back near the end of Sept. I was having some problems with my health because I kept having re-occurences of vomiting and getting sick, and not knowing why I was or what foods were triggering that. I did an elimination diet and cut out gluten and dairy, and have been doing a lot better. I have brought a little bit of both of them back into my diet recently (just eating them occasionally when I have gone out with friends) and haven't been sick.. but I know my body feels a lot better without them.. I’m going to have my blood taken next year so perhaps that may tell me something, idk. My parents are the types where if I am not dying or bleeding out, they will not take me to the doctors. And it’s all fine, I love them both a lot, and I’ve been okay and haven’t gotten ill again. I worry and have a bit of anxiety, so I would have liked to go of course, but they both have busy schedules and such.. 

There has also been relationship problems (both with friendships and potential relationships). This has all been in the span of this school year starting, so it’s all been happening really quick and has overwhelmed me. I lost a friend, grown distant with others because they have changed, and have had a lot of almost relationships happen but have then fallen through. And that’s been an extreme disappointment to me because I have wanted a boyfriend for a really long time; and have never been in a serious relationship (or really any), but really want to be. For some odd reason I have felt this a lot stronger, the longing to be in one, and a lot harder in my life than I ever have before. And I think it’s because I’ve gotten closer to almost having it happen. I devoted sometime into people who wanted different things (less serious things), and into a guy who deceived me into thinking he was somebody else with different intentions. I’m proud because I cut off a lot of the people who I knew weren’t going to work out with me, including the guy who played me. Regardless I think it all hit me so hard because I gave my hopes up, and told myself having a boyfriend would distract me from everyday problems and make me happier.. of course I learned that you have to be the person to make yourself happy and that it is unhealthy to heavily depend on another person for your own happiness. And right now I’m trying to focus on getting myself happier, not holding the idea of having a boyfriend so highly, and with that becoming more independent again. 

There is also family problems on top of that, but they are underlying and have been in my life for years. A lot of things that cannot be fixed, and are hard to live around every day. Things I know will be better once I’m able to distance myself when I transfer to a university, because the environment I am in (and have been in) can be a bit negative and stuffy. And it’s matters where it will just be better when I transfer. 

But it’s not all bad, and I hate to sound so negative. I have incredible friends, and have met some people who are more in my maturity and want the same things I do out of life. They have stood by my side through my hardships, and have been insanely supportive of me. Parents are frustrating, and I don’t agree on all the decisions they have made, but of course I still love them both a lot. And I have a sister who shares a lot of the same problems I do since she lives around it all too, so she understands. 

I’ve just had a lot of overwhelming events happen out of nowhere and in a short period of time. 

I am okay, and from these recent experiences have learned a lot. I’ve just had a really hard time focusing, and have been in this pit lately. But I am starting to pick myself back up, and I know that I’m going to be okay because I have picked myself up many times before. 

I’m insanely hard on myself, so I beat myself up 24/7. I’m mad at myself that I’m not doing more, like finishing my fics. and writing independently. I think all the time about how I need to write this post and respond to the messages I have. Just in general (in life) I focus on what I have yet to do instead of focusing all my accomplishments; and from doing that I get frustrated. I’m pretty negative, and want to start to be positive again like I was a couple months ago.. I go through stages like anyone I suppose. This all adds stress on me, that I know I have to change a little, and I know it’s all something I have to work on. It’s just a habit atm. 

Overall I’m just a bit of an overwhelmed mess. I know what I want and have a lot of goals set, it’s just a matter of pushing myself harder to do those things (not too much, of course I know). I just have to organize myself again which takes some effort, but I know it’s long over due and something I need to do to be a healthier person on the inside. 

I’m ready to writing “Revenge..” (I’m way too lazy to write the whole title lmao) again. I’m starting to feel motivation again to actually write which makes me insanely happy. I just don’t want it to distract me from my homework, and I have had so much with all the classes I’ve had :( Like I should be doing it now, whoops lol. 

Regardless I love you all, and thank you all for staying with me and being so patient. Thank you for your support on my fics, and for all the love you give me! I wish I could do more at the moment for you all, and show you how much it really means to me. I’m excited now to start writing again, and hopefully can and will start on the next chapter and on future fics. soon. 

[mental-health-advice]

Submission from 4s4n

so i’m 18 turning 19, i’m an average girl, i get the tiniest bit above average grades which suffice me sometimes, i have a great set of family and friends kind of, i’d like to think so. i say this because i hae issues, internally with myself. i don’t have body issues or any issues appearance wise, i mean i do but they bring me the least woes. anyway, i have a strong feeling that i’m depressed and have a little bit of an anxiety problem. i say i think because i’ve never been diagnosed and i don’t think i ever will because my fakily and friends are the type to somewhat not believe in these or feel as if these things aren’t a major problem. but it is to me because every night my mind girs everywhere thinking of every thing that could go wrong in my life, about people who are close to me and them hating my guts for no absolute reason. i don’t get enough sleep not because of school but because i stay up thinking about all these scenarios that all end up with everyone turning against me and doing things behind my back. i may be a little bit of a narcissist and an attention seeker too and that’s probably why i have never opened up about this. i just thought that oh there she goes again, back at it with wanting to be centre of attention. i get tired very easily and tend to procrastinate everything i do when i know submissions are tthe next day etc. i don’t know who i am or what i am doing anymore and i feel like keeping all this in isn’t good but at the same time like my family and friends, i just wish that all of this is just some kind of sick joke my head keeps replaying and one day it’ll all fade away and i can finally get some rest. despite the things i’ve mentioned, i still do dearly from the bottom of my heart love my family and friends, they do not inted to do anything detrimental to my mental or physical health nor have they ever done anything of that sort (in front of me at least) and i hope that’s the case and all these things i’m making up in my head are just again, sick jokes. every time there’s any of us just hanging out and the others look towards each other and start whispering or talking in hush silence amongst themselves, i get paranoid and the worst just clouds my mind. i have never mentioned these problems to anyone in real life because i could never fully explain all these without breaking down at the sight of their judging eyes and not knowing whether all these are even true or me just making things up in my head and trying to be something i’m not or trying hard to “fit in”, sickeningly in the worst way possible is also one of the biggest reasons why. idk what to do anymore and whilst i have no such thought to harm or hurt myself throughout this period of my life, (which is the major factor that makes me think none of this is real) i just wish i soo wish that one day i’ll be me again. whoever i was before all this, i want to be her again and not have to worry this much about what might possibly be nothing. (sorry could you please tag this as 4s4n)

Hey there,

First of all, thank you so much for reaching out to us, I know that this wasn’t an easy thing for you to do at all, but you did it so well done! Hopefully I will be able to give you some extra support and advice and help you get back to being the person you once were. But please be mindful that as people we are always changing due to our experiences and what we go through in life on a daily basis. So because of this you may not be able to go back to exactly who you were before but hopefully you can reconnect with yourself and come out of this with feeling happy once again and as an even stronger person! So keep trying to get through the days as best as you can and never give up!

You mentioned that you feel like you may be suffering from depression and possibly anxiety as well. I am so sorry that you’re not better supported by your family and friends. Mental health is a big issue and health concern for so many people out there and no one should have to feel like they cannot get the mental health support and help that everyone is very deserving of no matter who you are or where you may have come from. I do hope that one day you can get to a point in your life where you will feel comfortable in reaching out for professional help despite what others may think. But of course if you do or not is completely up to you, but if you’re interested in what the getting help process may look like then please do check out our page on getting help.

I am not a professional but it does sound like you have a lot going on for you that could be mental health related and that it is impacting on different parts of your life, for example you finding it really hard to get some decent sleep. It sounds like you don’t have good sleep hygiene at the moment so I encourage you to check out our page on getting a good nights sleep too. There is a lot of helpful advice that may make switching off at night a little easier so you can have a more rested sleep and feel refreshed in the morning. Getting a good nights sleep is so important because it allows you to function a lot better and efficiently throughout the day without feeling so tired. I myself find that if I don’t get enough sleep then it can really impact on my own mental health conditions in a negative way. So maybe if the advice on getting a good nights sleep doesn’t help you as much as you need (which is Ok, as what works for some may not be as beneficial for another) then I’d encourage you to speak to your local doctor/ GP as often medication can be really helpful to help you switch off your never ending thoughts/ feelings. So this may be something you can look into if you feel that medication may be of some help for you and something that you may want to give a go.

Another thing that may be helpful for you to give a try is having someone that you can confide in and talk to about anything that you are struggling with or finding difficult, and just having someone you can offload to when needed. I know that getting help (and especially face-to-face) can be really scary so if this is the case for you then perhaps speaking to a counsellor from a helpline or on web counselling would be something that’s a bit easier for you to try.

From what you have said in your Ask, I don’t think that you’re making anything up at all. Voicing your concerns to others can be a really big deal and so I feel that because you haven’t yet been in the position where you feel able and comfortable to confide in your family and/ or friends or someone else in your life or a professional, then it’s so much easier to feel as though what you’re experiencing isn’t really happening. So there for if/ when you are able to let others into your life it will make all of this seem so real and perhaps even really overwhelming too. And it’s more than OK to cry or break down in front of others, it doesn’t make you weak and it’s nothing to feel ashamed about. And if you feel unable to talk face-to-face then there is also the option of writing everything down instead!

I hope that this has been helpful and that things are going OK for you at the moment. Please remember that you’re not alone and you don’t have to go through this alone anymore either. We are also here for you if you want to talk more or just vent. I do recommend you seeking help from a professional like a counsellor or therapist at some point but it has to be when you’re ready to do this!

I’m thinking of you and wishing you all the best!

Take care,

Lauren

[shotce]

Tagged by @humblydefiant and @oneiricjourney and @sweet-ree . All the hugs and love guys! Are you named after anyone?
Dad wanted to name me after my mom, mom said Hell No. So my middle name is her first name and my first name is her middle name 😋 I think my birth mom tried to name me after alcohol? Something like Tia Maria? When was the last time you cried? 
Damn. Um, I got upset during the shooting, obviously, but the last time I ugly cried was when we were moving back in August? Do you like your handwriting? 
It looks like a cross between chicken scratch and serial killer. But in my defense, we got computers early in school. Not that my typing is any better. Eh heh. What’s your favorite lunch meat? 
I don't really eat lunch meat, salami? Do you have kids? 
One fur child. I also have a Squishie, aka, my nephew, whom I watch a lot. If you were a different person, would you be friends with you? 
Eh, how different? I assume yes. My BFF is very different and we balance each other out pretty well. Do you use sarcasm? 
My normal voice sounds like my sarcastic voice and my sarcastic voice sounds like my normal voice. I've unintentionally pissed people off before. Whoops. Do you still have your tonsils? 
Yup. Would you bungee jump? 
I...might be talked into it. You'd have better luck with sky diving or diving with sharks. What’s your favorite cereal? 
I don't really eat cereal, but I always get Monster Cereal during Halloween or the occasional Heritage Flakes by Nature's Path. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? 
Only my boots or my high top chucks. Do you think you are a strong person? 
I'm a lot stronger than I used to be and I have faith with that knowledge that I'll get stronger. I can be weak willed, but usually in regards to small stuff. Like comfort food or video games lol What’s your favorite ice cream? I used to be obsessed with Heavenly Hash by Hood, but we don't get it out here. Chunky Monkey or fudgsicles when the craving strikes. What’s the first thing you notice about people? 
Like, elevator gazes or nice to meet ya? For EG it's usually smiles and eyes, though girls with certain builds are just...yeah. For NtMY, idk people who are nice and nerdy? ALSO, IF YOU HAVE A DOG, I'M SORRY (NOT SORRY) THAT I WILL ALL BUT IGNORE YOU WHEN I FIRST MEET YOU. I'm working on it. What’s your least favorite physical thing about yourself? 
Everyone has body issues, but honestly, the things I hate the most are ones I can't change. Asthma or the depression/anxiety. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? 
Frankenstein socks and my Fallout lounge pants. What are you listening to right now? 
The Fog. 1980 one. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? 
Is there a mood one? Because I can never make up my damn mind. Probably some red-orange color. Or lilac. Idk Favorite smell? 
This one spot on my dog, or the fresh scent of rain coming off the ocean through the woods. I know, it's' specific, but it's from where I used to live. Who was the last person you talked on the phone with? 
My work friend. We kept losing each other at Renn Faire. Favorite sport to watch? 
I don't. I'd rather go to a game (and feast and shout) or play it my damn self (badly, because asthma, but I'd have fun doing it). Hair color? 
Dark brown with chunks of dark blue, teal and purple. But I'm dying it back soon. Too much upkeep. Eye color? 
Hazel-y? I have just enough green in them to prevent me from saying brown. Do you wear contacts? 
No, but if I don't start wearing my reading glasses, I'm sure I will soon. Favorite food? 
Err. Idk. I'm really craving some afternoon tea rn. Scary movie or comedy? 
Both. I like cheesy scary movies you can laugh at. Last movie you watched? 
Casper. What color shirt are you wearing? 
Gray tank. Summer or winter? 
Winter. Hugs or kisses? Hugs! I used to hug everybody (almost literally) until people made it weird. Now I just squish friends, my dog and nephew all the time.
 Book you’re currently reading?
Fanfic has taken over my life, but it's my goal to finish The Hollow Series and The Art of Asking. Who do you miss right now? 
A friend who hasn't really been a friend for years. We lost touch for a reason, but that doesn't mean I stopped caring. What’s on your mouse pad? 
I don't have a mouse pad or PC. If I did, OH THE MODS I'D HAVE. What’s the last TV program you watched? 
Wynonna Earp. Officer Hot, thank you @thejollywriter . What’s the best sound? 
The snuffle noises my dog makes when she sleeps. That, or rain. Rolling Stones or The Beatles? 
I had a weird childhood that had neither. I grew up with The Monkees. Peter was my fave. What’s the furthest you ever traveled? 
France probably. Do you have a special talent? 
Drawing? The ability to spot poodles out of the corner of my eye? Where were you born? 
Maine, USA Okie dokie guys, feel free to join in! Sorry if you're double tagged: @thejollywriter @dipsykoo @bardofheartdive @young-avenger @renlyslittlerose @mehutchinsane @mandydarlings @xxlegolistxx @hkdroids @jupiter235 @blueteaparty @ellebeedarling @rego-mem @bagog @sanguinespire

[aquarianlights]

If I don't end up going to the hospital tonight, I'm going to have to go to the urgent care clinic as soon as it opens at 7am tomorrow. Idk if it will last through the night. . .but I'm keeping an eye on things. . .and if anything changes in any way or if they start burning even more. . .I'm going straight to the ER. I'd just really prefer to only have to pay 3 dollars versus anywhere from 5k to 50k added onto my already over 50k in medical debt. I'm trying so hard not to panic because if this is what I think it is, it is going to affect me for the rest of my life and change my whole life and world and future from here on out. Frankly, I'm not ready and I will NEVER be ready for the kind of monumental changes this could bring. I do not want to be right......but I don't know a lot about what I think it is...and I can't do any research online about it, because if I do I will start manifesting physical symptoms and feelings described by websites in correlation to this issue. That's how strong my mind is. If I believe I have something or if I am thinking that it's highly likely this thing could be it, I will read about it and symptoms that I didn't have before, ranging anywhere from as mild as a cough to as severe as hives, will manifest simply because my mind is convinced I have this thing and suddenly, I will have all the symptoms without actually having some of them. That's why I can never do research on things I'm suffering from or suspect I'm suffering from online. That's why I have to stay the fuck away from psychology and all that pseudo-science bullshit because I know what disorders I have and which I don't...and if I were to research the ones that I have, I will end up suddenly suffering from the symptoms that I don't have related to that disorder (minus BPD, because I'm such a textbook case of severe BPD that there isn't a single symptom that I don't have, even if they contradict each other. Yeah, it's complicated, but it's painfully true).

I'm ready to fucking off myself. I'm panicking. I'm ready to just die. . .if this is what I think it is, it will change my life so monumentally that I won't be able to go on.

But I'm utilizing what Grey's Anatomy has taught me..... And I'm giving myself until [x] time to panic. I am not allowing myself to panic or have a breakdown until I hear speculations from the doctor. And I'm not allowed to seriously consider suicide and weigh the pros and cons until I have gotten a verdict and my tests come back. Idk what kinda tests they're gonna do, but I'm positive they will do blood tests. So that could..take a bit. But I'm not going to consider or attempt and follow through with suicide until I hear the result of my tests. Because if they're positive for whatever I'm thinking... it will change my life in such monumental ways that I will have nothing left. Nothing to strive for. Nothing to work towards. My entire life will be taken from me. So there's just no point in living in complete agony and pain without any means of bettering myself or furthering my education and career advancements. I wouldn't even be able to go into any medical field. Maybe I should just drop out of med school right fucking now. . .

But, no, I'm not allowing myself to attempt and follow through with suicide until I hear the results of my tests (however many they do) and until they tell me the treatment plan. Well......not treatment. Coz there is no "treatment" for what I'm thinking of. However, there are tools for managing it. But it's a lifelong, uphill battle. And I can't do that. I just can't. My life and my body and everything about me is not important enough to me for me to be motivated enough to go through all of that and to be on my A-game for managing this every single waking hour. I can't. I just can't.

So. . . I'm not going home tomorrow like I planned. Which makes me want to die even more. But I do have to wait until the urgent care clinic opens tomorrow morning and not panic and overreact to paranoia and catastrophic thinking before then.

I guess I'm going to drug myself up on pain killers and coke until I can't feel anything anymore and lose track of my thoughts and time. . .and put on a documentary that will allow me to feed off of other people's misery and pain and, in turn, force myself to acknowledge and appreciate everything I have around me and all the opportunities I've been awarded in my life. Watching documentaries about really graphic, tragic stuff or about people who are locked up for a long time or life or whatever just makes me actively think about how good I have it and makes me appreciate everything I am able to do. And helps by allowing me to level up my happiness by feeding off of other people's misery. Idk why I get off, mentally, from strangers misery. And knowing I have more freedom, opportunities, and great non-material things in general than they will EVER have and could ever hope to have. Just makes me feel so much better for some reason.

So yeah. . .I’m gonna go drug myself up on pain killers that are stronger than I normally take and a bump more of coke than I normally do after snorting some small lines. I haven’t had coke in a long time, though, so I’m not gonna overdo it there. Pain killers? I’m back to popping 10-15 pain killers every 24 hours. Maybe more, I don’t really count anymore. I just take 2-3 more every time I feel like my high is fading. So I can overdo it with the pain killers as much as I want. I’m basically invincible when it comes to prescription drugs. Benzos, pain killers, muscle relaxers. . .I can honestly do as many of those as I want and not die. I can’t even tell you guys how many times I have done WAY over what “should” have killed me. Like, way over the lethal limit. I have such a high tolerance that I guess it makes me immune to that “limit”. I guess that limit is for people who aren’t addicts. Not that I’m an addict. It’s not a problem, anymore, like it used to be. I can quit anytime since I have gone through completely quitting successfully once before now. The reason I couldn’t quit whenever I wanted to before is because I had never done it successfully before, so I never knew all the steps it took to get there and what it was going to feel like during the process. Now that I know. . .I can literally just put the pills down whenever I feel like stopping or whenever I have to for whatever reason and I won’t even bother looking back. Just how I did with cigarettes years ago. Spent majority of my teenage years smoking a pack of camel crush every other day (a full pack split between two days basically) and then my young adult years. . .the same thing, as well as socially on top of that. And then I found out about beagle testing and I literally threw out my whole pack and never looked back. Never felt any withdrawals. Never felt any cravings. In fact, cigarettes. . .nicotine/tobacco. . .it fucking disgusted me from then on out because all I could see when I saw cigarettes or someone smoking was a superimposed image of someone “testing” cigarettes on beagles until they died, discarding their carcasses, and then moving on to the next one. I’m sure something like that will happen with drugs and I will actually WANT to get clean for good or just use recreationally weekly or monthly instead of recreationally daily. I’m not using them for anything other than recreation, so that’s another reason why it’s not a problem this time and why I can easily get off of them whenever the hell I want/need. I just certainly do not want to. And yeah, in this very instance right now, I’m using them as a coping mechanism. But it’s no different than someone having a panic attack and taking a k-pin. Or someone having an asthma attack and using their inhaler. Literally no different. There is something that is threatening my physical and mental health right now to the point of forcing me to kill myself/die in general (in these analogies: the panic attack and the asthma attack). . .I need something to help me get through it/make it stop (in these analogies: a PRN anti-anxiety medication and a PRN inhaler). . .and I’m going to use it to do exactly that (finally: using strong pk’s and coke to help me not die or hurt myself). So. . .no, it’s not a problem and anyone thinking I’m going back to who I used to be just because I’m doing drugs again and doing more than just the ones I was prescribed (which is honestly all I did for the past 2 or so years coz I was trying very hard to stay away from harder drugs that I had done in my youth). I’m not going to be that boy again. I promise.

And I’m not depressed. I’m not depressed in any way. Being suicidal does not always equal depression. Just like being depressed does not always equal being suicidal. You can be suicidal without being depressed. You can be depressed without being suicidal. (Just like you can experience panic attacks without having any kind of anxiety, aka Panic Disorder, which is what I have.) I don’t experience depression anymore. I’m not depressed in the slightest. Even when I’m suicidal. . .wanting to kill myself. . .and come to conclusion that I am most likely going to attempt. . I’m still not depressed. If I come to the conclusion that I AM going to attempt and I AM going to follow through. . .I may be depressed then, but it certainly does not influence my decision to commit suicide. That decision will be based purely on logic and the results of my test and consensus of the doctors. So don’t go thinking I’m turning into the boy I used to be. I am not Nickita. Or anyone that came before me. I am not them. I am Killian. And I don’t suffer from depression or anxiety or addiction of any sort.

I’m still gonna be the jovial, sarcastic, nihilist jokester that I always have been and always will be right up to the very end. I can promise you that.