#idk i have So Many thoughts but i cannot put them into words yknow

[idolpyre]

thinking about the lovers of valdaro and thinking of how the no spin members bodies were found in the aftermath of the fire. thinking of them huddled around minjun, all entangled with each other because if they were to die in this soundproof tomb, than at least they would all die together. no spin truly ended with the four guys that originally started it.

[a-vicious-faithless-angel]

Ok ok so just like alright um so yall I just ok alright,,,hear me out... Now I'm honestly debating on posting this simply cuz,,,,idfk I got anxiety n shit even tho.....I should honestly not care anyway not the point.

These guys....as lovers [Mind blown ik] I have so many thoughts...Like I already talked about their relationships with each other but I wanna go into different detail yknow? Like all together, I think these guys do really love each other, they've grown to really care and give a shit since they just have each other [Sorry I will never not mention how they only have each other yall] When I think of them as a whole its just a bundle of platonic dudes happily together <3 Who learn to be close with each other, that rely on that closeness as a source of comfort...God the thoughts...

But, honestly I dont even remember what prompted to put 2 n 2 together but I've thought a lot about Woods + Hackett as well as Dauda + Bishop [Idk if my last gtfo post was kinda telling or the post with just Bishop n Dauda] Anyway those 2 kinda plagued my mind, of course I think of all of them and or the other relationships but I just,,,,kinda wanna talk about that stuff yknow?

Woods n Hackett....gosh theyre so silly to me, I could go into my headcanons n everything another time [cuz some of those hcs hng ideas behind them hi yall] They're....not soft lovers but in their own way they are...Call it enemies to friends to lovers whatever you want I don't think they started off entirely liking each other, Hacketts sarcastic remarks kinda being.....a little jarring considering where they where! However like the rest of them, you grow used to it, expecting it. I believe Hackett was the 1 to really express his feelings n ask, Woods agreeing despite some internal thoughts [Hi] When I think of them, I think of them seeking each other, fighting away isolation. I think of tracing of skin, tenderly with rough calloused hands. I think of hidden kisses, hidden from the others, not out of fear but Woods preferring the privacy when he shows his affection. Theres the hesitation of being more intimate, of whispering those words, its been so long.

Dauda n Bishop are really interesting to me simply because I believe Bishop didn't develop and tried to push away those feelings at first but boy! You ain't leaving any of them for awhile! Better get used to this! No lol but seriously, there was already distrust and general distance he tried to put between himself and the others but after awhile, after all of those rundowns,,,slowly you open up, you lower that wall and let some people in. But someone more intimate like that? Fucking terrifying, big no no, nuhuh nope! He cares, and he will express his care in.....ways [aka sometimes being an ass!] But when I think of it, there's a lot of unknown, unfamiliar territory, almost like he's crossing a boundary, alas Dauda's a patient man who loves this pragmatic bald British boyfriend! He's patient with affection, allowing Bishop to go and test the waters. Holding hands, cupping faces, soft whispers shared when alone, of encouragement, of love, of hope.

When I think of them I think of "its been so long since I've last felt this/done this" Trust in someone they barely know, yet feel like they've known for years now. ...<3 Do I think the others will catch each other doing this? Yes absolutely. Do I think sometimes they joke about it n give them a hard time? Absolutely you know it; you cannot tell me Bishop would be getting on Hackett n Woods on a mission cuz they're off in another room being the worlds most quietest queers right then

[aroace-poly-show]

Bsd anon again im gonna be here a few times im having many thoughts- but I think Sin Soukou is so freaking interesting, more interesting than even Soukou or their predecessors that I cant remember the name of (Mori and Fukuzawa) Its just- something about how different they are compared to either, how much that actually affects them, the difference between how they are turning out vs how the previous Soukous turned out, how despite everything, I don't think they ever actually will kill each other. I think its so interesting the change you see with the two, the affect they have on each other compared to the others-- its just so,, interesting- Also, question of the day. Do you think its good that Dazai changed from his Port Mafia ways? With the way he treats Atsushi vs Akutagawa specifically? Do you think there's similarity between the way he treats the two at all? I often find myself thinking about how despite Dazai being better as a person, and trying his hardest to not be a bad mentor, he still ends up giving bad ideals (Thats not the right word but I cant remember the word) to Atsushi. After an attack his slapped Atsushi and told him not to pity himself, despite the fact that he had just been shown some of his worst memories and accidently hurt people he saw as friends, some of the first friends in years. Its not punching him right in the face because he cant put up a shield, no where near that, but its still not a good thing to do. I can accept that Dazai has changed a lot since the port mafia but I think he still has a very long way to go, especially when it comes to being a mentor to both Atsushi and Akutagawa, even tho he seems to messing up a lot less w Atsushi thanhe did w Akutagawa But tbf the only reason I'm thinking about this is cause its always bothered me how Dazais treated Atsushis trauma as more of a,, annoyance than anything?? Like,, idk I'm rambling at its five am lmfao I should stop before I start going off on tangents

MY FUCKING LAPTOP SHUT DOWN AGAIN WHEN I HAD ALREADY WRITTEN SO MUCH GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

anyway hello again bsd anon :DDD

about shin soukoku, tbh i really like their dynamic a lot more than soukoku or mori and fukuzawa. not to say i don't like soukoku, if you couldn't tell by what i reblog so often i definitely like them (the same cannot rlly be said about mori and fukuzawa but that's another thing lol), but i really enjoy the sskk dynamic :D they have such cool effects on each other as people and they work so well together in fighting and like i mentioned i think their conflicting views of dazai is also rlly intersting and like hrgahgdhfkjs i like them a lot kjdfsj

then to answer your question, i do think it's good that dazai left the mafia, and i do think he's trying to be better. and he's definetely a lot better than he was in the mafia. i do think he's trying to be a better mentor. but like you said, he still isn't the best at it with atsushi. he's definetely doing a lot better with atsushi than he was with akutagawa, but yeah i do think he fucked up with that slap. atsushi's, yknow traumatized from when he rlly young and he literally just hurt people he cared about who also literally wouldn't fight back. like?? idk man i think there's many much better ways to deal with atsushi spiraling??? my dude??? though i guess dazai wouldn't have experience with it lmao

i get what you mean by it kinda feeling like dazai was treating atsushi's trauma as an annoyance. didn't really like it either. to be fair dazai didn't exactly have like. a good example what to actually do. sdkhfj,,,

he is definitely a better person now though. good for him lol

[spinaroos-47]

So, time for the review and analysis of my prediction! Oh boy this will be long i havemore than  two pages on google docs of commentary and reaction

“ Any sport a storm: Willow will be a fucking badass, cant wait to see her shine with her new hairstyle. My dear beloved. Also i cant wait to see what sport is it that she joins, but its probably more complicated than grudgby. Im not sure if the shot of her and her team with the abomination is from this episode or not. 

Hunter will be on Hexside. Idk what could be his mission but i cannot wait for the stupid shenanigans. This episode probably will be really funny. Hopefully Flapjack and Hunter will have cute interactions “

I basically got everything right skfdjsfdj it was a little vague but yknow, i still got it

This really was a really fun episode, and such a rollercoaster of emotions, this is the third episode that made me tear up (and this one was more than one time!). So it goes together with AOAW and echoes of the past on that

This is going to be long so im putting it under a readmore and actually splitting this into two posts because of how many thoughts I have, maybe even three (one will be about lumity c plot to not derail the rest)

Also fun-not-so-fun fact, i ended up waking up at 5am on point becausei was so anxious for this episode, so im running on four hours of not so well rested sleep jsdjsdj. It’s been kinda of a problem honestly, I’ve been getting ridiculously anxious every friday and saturday until i watch the episode 

First of all, I never knew how much I needed Hunter and Willow being friends, this has warmed my heart so much i can’t put it into words (im also dreading the influx of huntlow, my poor romance repulsed heart)

(also someone already pointed this out but i think he’s starting to follow Amity’s advice from eclipse lake!)

I do wish there were more interactions between Hunter and Flapjack, but still, the ones we got were so cute and nice :3

God i missed him so much, the start of the episode was both sweet and so sad. He likes arts and crafts! He was fixing his own cloak! (which is curious since both at the end of hunting palismen and start of eclipse lake he had a pristine cloak. Like, what happened? Also felt like what happens on some of the fanfics I read. That and Hunter receiving a letter from him on his room, which is an interesting coincidence) He’s not the greatest yet but he’s trying! (and his >:3 face)

I don’t like how Belos is now doing tests for Kiki and I supposed the other coven heads too, or at least just Hunter. Nasty fucker, he’s so well written, the scaryness of his character kinda got really highlighted here, on an episode he didn’t even appear, just mentioned. He has such a grip on people, the way he gets people back into the place he wants them to be if they seem to be going out of line, it’s really well written. And very nice to see how even with all this, there’s still some things that slip through the cracks, like what’s been slowly happening to Hunter

Him trying to meet with the coven heads was a very interesting brief moment. It was heartbreaking to see how most of them don’t seem to care or even respect him, almost trampling him. ALSO RAINE LOOKING BACK AT HIM AND HUNTER LOOKING SO SAD AFTER THEY DO THAT. I’M MANIFESTING THEM INTERACTING IN THE SHOW ONE DAY. And they actually seem to be almost the same height, Hunter being a little taller than them (but it’sprobably the heels)

Darius was really good on this episode, which I’ll elaborate more later but like, how he changed his behaviour in the end of the episode? It was really sweet! Makes me think he will actually later on together with Eber and possibly Raine do something against the ec/Belos, like some people have been theorizing, which I’m so down for. It’s interesting how he called Hunter “little prince”, I do kinda like that dfsnjfdjndjn. And it doesn’t seem to really be a secret that he’s Belos’ nephew, just maybe not to most of the public. (another reason for distaste also since it’s nepotism)

This golden guard lore we got really got me thinking. So there were other golden guards, at least one or two before Hunter, and their sigil is the symbol of Gravesfield. This is so interesting but I don’t have many concrete thoughts, I just don’t think (or more accurately, I don’t want to be true) that the other GGs were grimwalkers too. Also I’m pretty engaged on this mentorship stuff going on the emperor’ coven for some reason. 

(Also also, I do love how many fandom ideas and theories have been confirmed or debunked recently)

Darius also knows that Hunter is powerless, which is another thing that I’m curious about to how much do the others know about this?

The intro was cut short in an...interesting way, i’ll say that.

WILLOW HAS THE GROM PHOTO TOO I LOVE HOW EVERYONE HAS THE GROM PHOTOS THEY LOVE EACHOTHER SO MUCH

I really really really loved seeing Willow start to be more confident and try to find herself and have fun! (and kinda inspired by her dads by what some pointed out which is SO SWEET) This was a much needed episode for Willow, my dear girl.

I actually lost count of how many times i went “OH MY GOD HUNTER” and “HUNTER NO STOP”, for both second hand embarassement and also just worrying for him. Which is fun sjfksdjkjd. I love him but he can be a big brat/jerk/ass sometimes which is also why I love him. And he was really funny on this episode, he is a really funny character 

(Case in point, a bit of my live commentary: OH MY GOD HUNTER; oh my god hunter; this will not end well; NOOOOOO; i cant watch it; flapjack knock some sense into; him youre such a dweebus)

He actually met all the three of the detention trio! (mostly viney and not much of the other two but still) This was very nice as me and a friend on our put-in-hiatus Hunter Clawthorne au made him become friends with them there. I did really miss Viney, she was great here, together with Skara and Gus, my deario cheerios (Which, let me just say, loved Gus being so protective of Willow, because, yeah it hasn’t been an easy year for her, even with Luz hel

(Can we talk about Bump in the photo the abomination teacher showed?)

AND THAT WAS HIS SOCK! HE HAS FUN SOCKS! This makes me so happy

I was thinking Caleb could be the brother’s name, and it still can be but the Jasper Bloodwilliams addition made me rethink that (and!! one of the names has william on it. So everything goes now I guess)

And I’m glad my drawings of him using his staff more like a skate were proven right! And the animation there was really cool (Also Gus flying his staff in a different way just supports even more my hc that everyone in the main cast is nd. Since, yknow, different way of doing things)

He reexamined his biases also! Which was soooo nice, love me the character growth.

THE HALF A WITCH PARALELS THE TWO HAVE, THIS BOY CAN FIT SO MANY PARALELS ITS INSANE AND I LOVE IT. And I love how it was a slow realization for Hunter that she feels the same and struggles with her confidence and self esteem too

Sidenote, the friends to enemies drama with Viney and Jerbo was so funny nfdjsjdfsjnfdsnj (and also why was there a baby on the professor’s team?)

Yeah i think I’ll split this into three posts because I have so much to say sfdhjdsjjdsf

[sinswithpleasure]

I was looking for your take on the anon's "small problem" with the new writers and this remind me of my apology for "taking" your Chaeyoung FBW idea days back. Glad that I learned from it and ideas that are not patented can't be an issue of who's copying and who's not. In real life people fuck in common places with common routines (kitchen foreplay before mirror sex). You can't accuse them copying your idea just because they had the same place and routine as you and your partner. If we're going to pull the "originality" card then everyone will not qualify because it boils down to one concept and that's SEX between female idols and male readers.

On the other hand, I feel like this anon is looking for some soul from the works of the new writers and comparing it to the works of senior writers here. For me that's an unfair comparison since the new writers are still exploring their potentials and some were pushed to write because they were inspired by the senior writers so most likely their concept will be common from their inspiration.

As a reader, I tend to re-read my favorite fanfics and the surge of new writers gave me the opportunity to read each works and evaluate them if they can be added to "my favorites". If not then I will not read them again, easy.

Anyways, I know I'm not that good at expressing my thoughts to words and I'm posting here, Sins. Thank you so much and BreedingKinkSana will always be my favorite. BreedingKinkSanaSupremacy ♥️

I can be your hero horse baby.

Warning: Incoherent rambling ahead. I am willing to discuss if it doesn't make sense. I am not good with words unless I'm writing.

-----------

This is kind of what i'm talking about.

How many different ideas can there be in the first place? I know for a fact that Mint and I share the same fantasy of having someone like Jinsoul or Yeojin or Chuu in business attire, but she slowly strips it off and then yknow, we do the nasty in the office. That's something I'm pretty sure I write a lot of, and Mint has already done it (or somewhat, with the Chuu fic I prompted).

Oh hell, if we wna talk office sex - BT, Chapter 12 with Mina. The Dahyun one in the conference room. Choa and Dahyun in the meeting room. Tzuyu and Dahyun in OC's office. It's all workplace sex. Even Peach's Sin and Punishment is workplace.

At this point, nothing is original. Even if I wrote clown sex, ballooning, vore, sounding, cock chopping, etc, I can 100% tell you AO3 has it already done. I can even link the clown sex fic if I want. Hell, even the cock chopping one.

Can't really say that its copying when its an idea or concept. Now, if I went to locke's BT series and changed every name to LOONA then that's exactly what it is—copying, plagiarism. But if I wrote just desk sex then yeah that's an idea I took off of it.

Hell, even my upcoming Yves fic was inspired by AO3.

I actively encourage people to take my ideas, actually, if they check that i'm not writing it first. I don't mind having people post kind of the same stuff as I do because it's mutual learning.

Anyways yeah this is a bit of a random spiel. Ima summarize what I wanna say:

Ideas cannot be patented unless it's made physical—ie. if someone invented the covid vaccine and has it legally put under their name, I can't say its mine. But if it doesn't exist physically, I can take it and start work on it. It just has to be original. (Asmodeus is doing work on ideas ive spouted, i like that)

Everyone has shared fantasies. If you don't like reading the same shit, don't read it. It's that simple.

Reiterating that ideas aren't original at all.

If any writers see this, feel free to reblog with any thoughts (agree, disagree) and discuss. The stuff I say here only makes sense to me and idk if yall think the same???

[szynkaaa]

I more or less watched The Boy!!! And by watching, I mean I skipped more or less through the jump scare parts because I cannot do horror movies at all. I haven’t watched one since 2015 and The Boy was like the first horror movie after five years

Full disclosure, the ONLY reason I started watching the movie was because someone posted a gif of Greta standing close to Brahms who was all sweaty and breathing heavily n I was like “oh shit who dat he hot” and here I am 

Can anyone explain the sandwich scene to me? So Greta was scared shitless and locked herself in her room, but why did Brahms make her favorite sandwich for her?

I did some digging for interviews and generally what people have been saying about the movie, took some screenshots from youtube to put my thoughts and musing together too! 

Can anyone explain the sandwich scene to me? So Greta was scared shitless and locked herself in her room, but why did Brahms make her favorite sandwich for her? 

So first of all, let’s start with a low resolution photo I found on IG of James Russell without mask:

which brings me to my first musing/thought/question? 

It’s all under the cut, very screenshot and text heavy, you can find more Brahms drawing at the bottom though  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So at the end of the movie, we are shown a Brahms with a broken mask and his face being burned, indicating that he was in fact in the fire.

I assumed first that the fire was created by the parents to fake their sons death and then he had to live hidden inside the walls? 

But I’ve also heard apparently it was Brahms who set the fire to fake his own death or maybe an eight years old kid really was trying to burn himself down?? 

My other theory is that his parents made the fire and tried to kill Brahms and it did burn him but he survived, and the parents didn’t wanna go to jail sooo to hide everything they made their son live in the walls

i mean the responsible thing would be to turn their kid in and have him treated and stuff;;; listened to a murder podcast about two cases where kids murdered enough kids and how they are doing now interesting read Brahms made me think of those two cases 

I also do not think that the previous nannies were killed. Like, c’mon. You’d report a person missing and sooner or later it would go back to the Heelshire mansion and if the body counts piles up? Can’t look good and I doubt that the Heelshire wants the police investigating them close up. 

Also, when the mom was like “He’s chosen you if you’ll have him” to Greta? Is it just me or the wording or does it sound like a marriage proposal/arrangement xD 

Brahms is a brat and he sees the people around him as his possession or to toy around. But I also do think that he has some abandonment issues but not in the sad tragic kind of way lmao. Even if he was the one controlling and manipulating his parents from behind-the-scene (quite literally I suppose?), he was still told as a kid to live in hiding and that no one can know he is alive. I don’t know much about the human brain, but I can imagine how damaging that must be to his mental growth and set him back in some way? We don’t know too much about his relationship with his parents - but I assume that he must have still loved them in his own twisted way. Can’t imagine that he would have been indifferent about his parents suicide. 

The scene before Greta manages to back out - first he uses the child voice to beg her to come back and promises he will be good. That’s his manipulating Greta, but when that doesn’t work and she tries harder to open the door, he becomes more desperate to keep her there and then completely loses his temper and threatens to kill Malcolm if she doesn’t return. I’m pretty sure homeboy would have killed him anyway. And then later when she returns and he is all heavy breathing and smelling her hair and then jumps up when she shouts Brahms? Idk I def think there is some sort of abandonment issue going on. 

I don’t think he is a child stuck in a man’s body or manchild or whatever. I think that he does know how to take care of himself - but he just chooses to manipulate people with the facade of a kid to do his bidding and cater to his needs. 

Anywhomst, but clearly Brahms is also a very manipulative and controlling person based, based on how the mother was reacting on the destroyed bedroom, she really seemed to be at the end of her wits and just breaking down with her “you promised you’d be good”. It was very heartbreaking to watch and also scary because it really makes you realize just how much power Brahms holds over them?? idk maybe it was just me.

Next point: the CGI mask  + the burns 

So according to some interviews with the director stated that at the first test streaming, people weren’t really scared of Brahms because he was too handsome so they had to slap a mask over his face. The face was done after everything was filmed. I’m thinking the face burns were also added post-production when they were adding the cgi mask. Otherwise, James would have needed to go through the makeup department for some wicked face burns and it would have been visible during the filming and test screening too? Which would imply that at first the fire was supposed to be just  a cover story that their son is dead and it was changed later

Observation/thoughts on Brahms Heelshire

Love how he stands there with his hands behind his back and then nods when Greta tells him to go under the cover

James Russell is 191cm tall. So like. Brahms is really fucking tall. But I notice that most of the time he stands with a slight hunch. Could be due to him crawling through the walls and crawling out of places that requires him to do a lot of crouching. His bed in his hideout made me really sad, I’ll get to it later. 

Since James didn’t get many lines in the ten minutes that he appeared, I do think that his eyes did all the acting. They stand out even more with the mask on, there is just this crazy look on it. I also noticed during my rewatch that he doesn’t seem to blink much or at all. 

Oh yeah, he also peeped on Greta and Malcolm making out on the bed and then cockblocked them. We been knowing that he made a Greta doll and very likely jerked off to it. We also been knowing that he very very very likely wanted to bone Greta at the goodnight kiss scene still waiting for the maskeless kiss scene gimme gimme. I also highly doubt that Brahms has much first-hand experience with kissing n stuff. High key thinking he was trying to do copy Malcolm and do what he observed lmao

When I first watched the scene, I assumed that the hole behind the mirror has always been and it’s just another one of the hidden passages Brahms to slip in and out, but now that I’m looking at the shape of the holes, it seems to me more like the mirror and brick wall were broken at the same time?? If that is the case holy shit boy is s t  r o n g. I mean, he also punched through the closet door like no big deal so really what have the parents been feeding him. 

I’m also leaning toward the fact that he ran there because Greta screamed loudly. I don’t think he was in the room as them when everything went down there, it seemed more like he heard the scream and had to nyoomed over and then punched a way through to get out of the wall. And then went on to attack Cole. He must have known that Greta wanted Cole gone, since that what she whispered to the doll before going to bed. 

Tbh, I fully expected him to murder Cole in his sleep, but Brahms wrote a warning message in blood to tell him to get out soooooo like. Cole you were warned and now you gotta live with the consequences ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Brahm’s sleeping corner

This scene was shown at the end after Greta and Malcolm escaped. We also see them briefly during the part where Greta and Malcolm are trying to find a way out and stumbled into Brahms’ hideout. I’m not sure why the rules are slapped on the walls. It seems to me that Brahms is very very very set on that the rules / routine should be followed. In the movie, he called Greta and suggested to her that she should follow the rules, to which she then started doing it.

I headcanon that that’s the routine that he grew up with as a kid and it’s just very very very very very hard to break out of it - not that he is trying to break the routine. 

I’m failing to find a good way to put my thoughts into words, but I guess the rules and routine is sort of his coping mechanism? 

I suppose if you had an OC that you ship Brahms with and want to change stuff around the house, the OC would have to very slowly introduce new rules and routines. Baby steps, yknow.

Brahms has a violin hanging there! Honestly I would be surprised if Brahms didn’t know how to play at least one instrument. The family also has an old ass piano/clavichord (?) and Brahms loves classical music soo yeah. Love me a boy who appreciates classical musical hehe

I suppose the egg boxes are there to soundproof the room more - maybe so he can play the violin? 

There’s also music sheets hung around his attics, it’s not clear on the screenshots but when you rewatch the scene and shove your face close to the screen. Some are hanging next to the violin and there are some taped on the wall next to his bed and porn too

nice to see he has a fridge and microwave, I was concerned that he wasn’t well fed and that leftovers might not be enough, but then again. Dude is 191 cm so clearly he has been drinking his milk

Didn’t take a screenshot of his vanity, but there is a crocodile magnet stuck to the mirror hehe. I do think that he shaves and stuff, otherwise his beard would be much longer??

We can see more music sheets stuck to a pillar on the right. 

Loving the christmas lights that he has hanging there above his bed. It’s cute. 

On the shelf he has a bunch of tupperware and empty bowls. Most of hte things are neatly organized. We can also see some books and a pen

There’s some sunlight streaming inside - I do hope that Brahmsy stays warm during winters.

Here we can see more of the food that he has there - there is also a sink but I didn’t snatch a screenshot of it. I think those are potatoes in the pot? Maybe he does know how to cook some basic stuff, I do wonder if he has a functioning kitchen up there. Probably not for fire safety reasons lol

Yall see that thing on the note sheet covered pillar? Ngl, that’s a whole ass aesthetic right there.

He got a few potted plants up there. Took a closer look at them and it seems like they were healthy. So he knows how to take care of plants, which is nice to know I suppose?

Yes, we all know what he was doing with the doll and what the tissue balled up tissue implies. However, has anyone noticed the size of the bed??? 

If you scroll up a bit to the screenshot of Greta seeing the doll, it looks t i n y. The make shift doll takes up more than half of the space. 

Yall. this breaks my heart. Dude is a beanstalk. I’m pretty sure the bed is from when he was a kid shoved by his parents to live inside the wall, does he have to sleep there in his adulthood too??? 

Even though Brahms strikes me as someone who probably doesn’t sleep much or during normal times, that bed must be so tiny for him. He must be sleeping with his knees bend and shit unable to stretch out :((( 

Brahms: is a psychopath that smashed the skull of a girl and very abusive tormented his parents and then Greta Me: omg he needs a bigger bed that poor thing :(((

Brahms’ DIY corner 

Ah yes, Brahm’s little DIY/creative corner. 

Homeboy got lot of animal traps, cages and taxidermies hanging around, pointing strongly toward that it’s a hobby of it? 

Also at the end where we see him fixing up the doll, we can get a better shot at his desk, and I gotta say the threads and stuff are all very nicely organized. Brahms’s table looks more organized than mine does lmao. 

So we know he is a crafty boy. Not sure how difficult taxidermy is but I imagine it does take a lot of time to learn? Well he had all the time in the world anyway.

So yeah, that’s a wrap. Congrats if you made it to the bottom of my incoherent thoughts and ramblings, have a bonus drawing of Brahms wearing different masks: 

[bringingglory]

thank you so much for the tags @hanamuri @fullmetalscullyy @megthemighty @nightofnyx8 @tsaritsa !

How many works do you have on AO3? 11! some are botw, one is tdiapt, some are fma, and some are haikyuu! i mostly just write for whatever im interested in at the moment/whichever fandom inspiration strikes for

What's your total AO3 word count? 101,939

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Keep Your Friends Closer But Your Enemies Closer - T: ahhhh my miraculous ladybug fic! ive literally been working on her for FOREVER and i swear to god im going to finish it, i literally know how i want to end it and i know all the events leading up to it. hell, i even have a vague idea of what i want to happen in the middle, i just need to know what order the middle stuff happens in and also i just have to write it. It's an AU where Ladybug and Chat Noir are actually enemies but then Chat Noir accidentally befriends Marinette and then drama etc etc etc.

rain - G: first zelink fic babey! set Pre-Calamity and basically link and zelda get stuck in a cave because of the rain and there's just a lot of quiet pining, etc etc.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Oikawa - T: HAHAHA this was a crack fic inspired by my roommate but then i forgot it was supposed to be a crack fic while writing it and there are accidentally real emotions alkjdfalksdf but anyway it was very fun to write lmao. it was based off this meme and basically it's an AU where Oikawa is Spider-Man and Iwaizumi doesn't know but they still like hang out and stuff. It's a lot of fun, or at least I think it is, haha.

stolen moments - T: first royai fic!!! just a series of "stolen moments" (mic drop) where roy and riza like cant be together but yknow, they try. lots of pining. etc

a secret weapon of sorts - T: 5+1 edwin fic inspired by the Simple People OVA where instead of ed giving winry earrings to get out of trouble, he gives her kisses.

Do you reply to comments, why or why not? Yes! I try really hard to!!! Sometimes I get overwhelmed and I don't respond to comments for a while, but I absolutely do my best to when I remember because I feel like it's my way of saying "thank you" for them reading my fics in the first place, haha.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending? Uhhhhh, sleepless I guess? But it's more open-ended/not explicitly positive more than anything, though even then I feel like I've got a hint of hope in there. alkjdfhalsdk idk man I just, I can't write *pure* angst, there's gotta be some light, and thus I could never end anything angstily

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending? LMAO most of my fics??? I guess??? bc despite being an anxious piece of shit, I am an optimist by heart

Do you write crossovers? If so, what's the craziest one you've ever written? When I was younger! Idk, I guess the Rise of the Brave Frozen Tangled Dragons fandom??? if anyone remembers what that is lmao

Have you ever received hate on a fic? Not exactly? Maybe some weird comments on KYFCBYEC but even then, it wasn't that often.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? No no no no no no no no. I am telling you, I physically cannot write smut. I don't think I actually have the capacity. Absolute fucking kudos to every single smut writer out there bc it truly is an art form capturing that intimacy and emotion and etc, but I literally get flustered from writing mildly detailed kiss scenes. If I ever wrote smut, I would burst into flames on the spot.

Actually lies, I technically wrote smut once, but it was at the request of my roommates and they wanted me to write a crack smut fic of Y/N x our uni's mascot and I wrote that thing in like 3 hours with so many silly memes to keep myself sane (not like other girls, tongues battled for dominance, etc), did not edit it, and because it was so, like, not serious, I was actually able to get through it. But even then, when I wrote "thrusting" I literally had to put my laptop down for 20 minutes.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Nope!

Have you ever had a fic translated? Not yet! Someone commented on Your Friendly Neighborhood Oikawa and asked if they could translate it and I said yes! They haven't gotten around to it yet, but I would love to see it if they do!

Have you ever co-written a fic before? Not yet!

What’s your all-time favourite ship? Bro it changes day to day. You can't ask me this lmao. The current ship I'm most fixated on is Iwaoi, but I wouldn't say they're my all-time favorite.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? I'm not answering this energy. On god, I'm going to finish things. I want to.

What are your writing strengths? uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh very good question lmao. I don't really like thinking about "strengths" in my writing bc who am I to say? akjdslakfjdf idk, instead, I'm just gonna say some things I like/try to do in my writing, which are: conversational prose/having a lot of voice in the narration, I try to add humor wherever I can, and recently I've gotten better and metaphors and describing things bc I picked up writing poetry a year ago!

What are your writing weaknesses? hmmm, a thing I dislike about my writing/the writing process is that I'm slow to publish things and slow to finish things because I'm such a messy first drafter and I also take forever to edit. I would like to uhhhhh get things out faster. Also I tend to repeat myself a lot bc I forget the details of things I write sometimes lmao.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? Hmmm, I dunno, I guess I don't have any strong thoughts? The only other language I know is Mandarin but even then, I suck ass at that, so I'll prolly never write dialogue in another language simply bc I like to try to portray things semi-realistically and I don't think I have a good enough grasp on any other language the same way I do in English to produce authentic enough dialogue.

What was the first fandom you wrote for? Fablehaven I guess? But Idk I was in fourth grade an didn't even know what fandom was yet. Rise of the Guardians, maybe?

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

AHHHH idk??? maybe hold your hand out in the dark because i really experimented with my writing on that one and im sort of proud of the result, just like the fact that i wanted to try something new and it turned out alright. that or Sunset Wheeling which is an iwaoi fic where they just skate, and like it's prolly one of the most self-indulgent things i've ever written because it's silly and they just. skate. but aljdfalsjd idk i loved it and i churned it out in 6 days and it was a lot of fun lol

ahhh a bunch of people have been tagged already, so sorry if im tagging you again, but for now im just gonna tag @niconiconina @notkorras @thatisadamnfinecupofcoffee @firewoodfigs and anyone else who wants do it!

[notmanagingmymischief]

ᴇxᴀᴍɪɴᴀᴛɪᴏɴꜱ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʙᴇx | ꜱᴄᴏᴏʙʏ ᴅᴏᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏᴠɪᴇ

THANKS @cordeliaswhore NOW I HAVE TO DO THIS

anyway welcome back to examinations with me enjoy

--

today on the list is: scooby doo the movie, came out in 2002 yet gives off the strongest 90s vibes I've ever perceived

--

there will be swearing ahead, obviously

--

this is the only gif i could find and yknow what i agree completely

--

five seconds in and YEP this is definitely from the 90s can't change my mind

OH MY GODS fred checking himself out in the mirror sdvgfkfjha

daphne is hot

velma is hot

why are they so hot

i still don't know how the ghost glowed btw, like...i get the floating bit but what made him glow???????????? explain that one, velma

"the ghost was pawing me for an hour and a half" pfffff-

NO YOU CAN'T QUIT

NO

STOP

I FORGOT THAT THIS BIT MAKES ME CRY

STOP

UGH

shaggy and scooby are clearly smoking o u i d and I love that for them ngl

hydrocloricon???? now I really need to here about that one my g

huh, this is...this is very weird.

watching this at 16 and understanding what they're talking about...the amount of mature jokes they put in this is AMAZING

oh gods daphne and velma are still hot

jInKiEz

YEAH, SAME, KID IN THE ORANGE SHIRT AND BACKPACK GIVING GRANDDOO THE L O O K

i'm whimpering

oooh pretty lady

nailed it shaggster

DON'T EAT THE KITTY GRANDMA BAHAHA

god these songs are still total bops even 20 years later LMAO

e l e c t r i c a l t o r t u r e p a r a d e ? ? what the f u c k ? !

BAHAHA HIM SMACKING A TOURIST CLEARLY ON PURPOSE IS HILARIOUS ADFHJ

"r a w r hehehe UwU" vibes from the park honor

goddamn carol is a badass bitch! (girlboss)

oh you know when you go to an amusement park and they're just casually conducting an an intricate ceremony to summon hades that's my favorite

oh

my

god

this is so...there are so many things to talk about here so many issues

first of all, if an amusement park is encouraging sacred rituals where they summon the walmart version of cerberus, that's a HUGE red flag right there

next, this reminds me of like...what they would do in hawaii, except...so much more cursed

lmao velma's change of expression from 😰 to 😏 is amazing

the guy: "do my friends scare you?? >:)"

velma: "heh. they would except they're not real and here's why LMAO"

but yknow I do love that V is noticing how the back row of kids are all chanting along with the ritual mantra, which is definitely strange

dsgfhkfajl so many things are going on here and idk if i love it or hate it SAHGDH

*pat pat pat pat* wHaT a SmArT lItTlE oNe 😒

i'm in love with the fact that a talking dog just walkin around, answering phone calls and what have you, is just totally accepted. the guy just sets the phone down as if he gets calls for talking dogs every day

"no one's ever given me a stuffed dismembered head before...🥺" i know she's not who we think she is but also that was adorable

SKINNY AEROBICIZED BOOTY WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

oh scooby....so idiotic yet so beautifully innocent. love you man.

THIS SFX oh my gods the monsters are so horribly made yet so gorgeous how is this movie so perfect in every way

the little sneeze 🥺

i have no words for most of this castle scene so here's me not giving you any words for this castle scene lol

never mind i have words

2,000 year old can of chinese whoop-ass lmao sure babe

VELMA'S GIGGLEEEE 😫🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡

and by scare the *i have no idea what that word is nor how to spell it so um...let's just say shit???* outta daphne you mean you wanted to be alone with her in order to flirt with her after ten years of being apart

i see you velma

and i see those sapphic thoughts behind those glasses

go get your girl bb 😌🧡

LMAO ALL YOU CARE ABOUT ARE SWIMSUIT MODELS

this entire team is gay and you cannot tell me otherwise and while I'm not saying the Fred and Shaggy would be good together.....mystery husbands??

going on double dates with mystery wives daphne and velma????

i think this is a perfect idea tim burton sign me onto your next project

dorky chicks like her do what-

fred I-

stop hiding, you can admit that you're gay. please. stop...doing whatever you just did to velma. please.

same, V. same.

why does...why did they make Daphne moan every time she tried to do something difficult? like she's trying to push the pull doors but in the process she's just like "aeugh 😫"

"oh yeah, oh yeah--OH NO-"

f r e d d y ? o _ o

why is there a movie set in this ride

𝒾𝓃𝓉𝑒𝓇𝒶𝒸𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃 𝒷𝑒𝓉𝓌𝑒𝑒𝓃 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓃𝑔 𝓅𝑒𝑜𝓅𝓁𝑒 𝓈𝒽𝑜𝓊𝓁𝒹 𝒷𝑒 𝓅𝑜𝓁𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒸𝒶𝓈𝓊𝒶𝓁.

followed by

Ｉ ＷＩＬＬ ＣＲＵＳＨ ＹＯＵＲ ＢＯＮＥＳ ＩＮＴＯ ＤＵＳＴ

and then back to

ᴡᴏʀᴅ! ;D

gods why did they put Daph in such a revealing dress-

i jumped in unison with Daphe I wasn't expecting a fucking jumpscare-

girl why did you wait ten seconds to jump out of those walls, like you almost got squished, you should have started running the second they started moving LMAO

burping competition. 𝑒𝓌.

we're here. to solve. a mystery.

yes daphne tell those men who's boss

were....was this group of oompa loompas and their john cena knockoff just.....waiting by the door? to hear the alarm?? like there's no way they ran up that big ass hill in literally five seconds

the plot holes are large but my amusement is larger so i'll let it slide

HOW THE FUCK DID THEY, IN THREE SECONDS, COMPLETELY SILENTLY, SQUEEZE THEIR ASSES INTO THESE PROP THINGS

HUH????????!

oh yeah and they didn't hear that fire explode right behind them plus shaggy saying "like oh no" uh huh sure

he's strong but he's also ✨𝒹𝑒𝒶𝒻✨

absolute BOPS in this move

Y A S

I-

why would you...show that to the guy? like didn't you say that it might be him? PLUS WHY OUT IN THE OPEN

like why you in the fuckin party zone like "HEY MR WHATS-HIS-NAME LOOK WE FOUND BILL CIPHER'S TWIN"

lmao gravity falls references

i miss that show 😔

oh yeah, totally just tell him that he's a suspect. reaaaaal smart Fred

dear gods men are stupid🙄

gay high five

cmon just go for it you know y'all wanna kiss just d o i t

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ON THE BAR

VELMA

BABE

YOU'RE SMARTER THAN THIS YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO EXAMINE ANCIENT TRANSCRIPTS ON THIS PYRAMID WHERE LITERALLY ANYBODY COULD SEE YOU

GURL

the intimidating sit down at the piano just for it to be "didlalalala" LMFAO

big scary man:😤😠

his music taste:🎼🎼

velma....i love you but....why can you understand pandaemonic?? (no, not the pandemic, it's a very old [noexistant] language stfu y'all)

nice sweater

she definitely wasn't expecting alcohol and that OvO look was priceless

"and daphne.....so beautiful..." YES VELMA YOU'RE GAY FOR DAPHNE JUST ADMIT IT

no fred did not know how to accessorize, he wore the same goddamn ascot everyday stop it

YOU DON'T HAVE THE SCROTE FOR THIS JOB BAHAHA THAT WAS DEFINITELY A DICK JOKE I AM SFGJASBD

wheezing currently

is scrappydoo, like...scooby's cousin? brother? estranged, twice removed, very distant aunt???? o_0

velma's giigggleeee 😭😭

clean your beans at don knotts' christmas party....pfff

fred get off the table

OH MY GOD IT'S DONALD TRUMP AAAAA

(it's not actually trump, i'm just using the metaphor because it might as well be LMAO sorry not sorry trump supporters 🤪✌)

BAHAHA

"thank you! ...nice mask! bad breath though."

VELMA IS A BADASS BITCH WHO AINT AFRAID OF NOTHING AND SHE KNOWS IT

the sfx in this movie are....so good for 2002, in all seriousness, the visual affects team definitely needed to get paid big bucks for that shit, but it's still so funny

YOU REMIND ME OF THE MAN

what man???

THE MAN WITH THE POWER

what power??

OH, THE POWER OF VOODOO!

who do??

YOU DO!

OH MY GODS I FORGOT THAT THIS SONG WAS IN THIS MOVIE I LOVED THIS SHIT

SCOOBY GIVING THE MONSTER AN IMPROMPTU MANICURE AND THE THING JUST STOPS AND IS LIKE "HEY GET THE--huh?? oh? you--you're gonna do my nails? aww...please continue *0*"

these things act like annoyed siblings, just smacking each other and grumbling very strange scarily english-like sounds

shaggy I-

I can understand leaving Fred behind he's definitely a douche

but velma??????? bruh what did she do to you besides carry this entire team on her back?????

"help?"

the fucking COASTGUARD are in on this shit too?! WHY??????

this song-

"i look at you and try to do the best i can"???

absolute gold

i did not realize how much subtle swearing there is

those were pull doors. shaggy and scooby leaning on them would open them, not hold them shut. instead of punching through the windows you could have just opened the doors. what the fuck is this movie

those guitars are not connected to anything, therefore when you hit them on things they will not make any noise except the sickening sound of crunching aluminum alloy.

yep the girl is a monster but she's still adorable soooo

a bowl of souls

I've always wanted to dip my hands in that thing just to know how it feels

like...is it just like water? it's definitely cold, no doubt about it. maybe it's thicker, like...thiccit. idk but i wanna touch

oh gods velma's hotter

they put her in a regular shirt

she's hotter now

they cut her hair

oh dear gods Daphne's gonna go insane LMAO

fred...stop being a pervert. no one likes you.

Daph: I can handle this guy U^U

also Daph: *typical teenage greeting*

um yeah, i think them taking over the world is less mean and more psychotic babe

awwww scoobyyyy

my poor baby all locked up and whimperingg

i'm pouting. :((

BAHA

SCOOBERT

WHAT

no one is talking about the fact that shaggy eats dog treats huh

this plan scene is so reminiscent to home alone

i love it

great cover guys, those dancing skills are pro level (????)

BANANA PHANNA PHO PHANNA YES QUEEN SING THE NAME GAME

daphneee stop moaningggg

PUNK VERSION OF "SCOOBY-DOOBY-DOO" SUPREMACY

okay but like the thing with the souls all flying back to their bodies? yes please.

EWEWEWEW

NO

HETERSEXUALITY

NO

DAPHNE STOP

the boy is fogging up her glasses yes but she's using that as an excuse because she doesn't want him to kiss her

bc

daphne

:)

awww i hope shaggy and mary-ann got together after this film that would be adorable

scrappy: "if not for you meddling sons of b--"

Daphne: :O

Fred : o_0

Velma: o _ o

Shaggy: T^T

i will never understand how Velma always wears that thick ass sweater EVERYWHERE, like everyone else is wearing shorts and T's, isn't she, like, really warm??????

and the ending is funky, hell yea

--

Overall, I'd give this a....36 oz. box of scooby snacks/10.

very nice movie when I was a kid, even better movie now that i'm an adult.

would recommend.

link

[mieczyhale]

mace im sorry i don't have coherent thoughts but i'm so just like,,, what was klaus this season. what was ben. the cult was pointless to klaus' character. the things that matter to klaus' character were ignored. the dave stuff was a lot of nothing. i felt like the possession thing shouldve been huge for ben and klaus' relationship but we're supposed to think klaus feeling violated is funny and inconsequential? ben going to the light was just shoved in at the end? i just---what???? who??

i’m on the same page as you, anony, especially in coherency lmfao

klaus this season was.. not totally bad, but i think most of that can be put on robert for his acting and how well he knows his own character bc the writers clearly didn’t know what was up (or maybe they did and playing him off this season as comedic relief, having him tossed to the side and mistreated, is going to play into s3 somehow. idk. i’m not writing off any possibility because overall the writers have done really really well with everything else so in my soul i feel like there has to be a reason they did what they did to him this season yknow??) for all the jokes they had him making and stuff, i think robert definitely played klaus the way we as fans know him - suffering constantly but unwilling to let anyone actually see that and if they do he’s gonna make it sound like a joke. he’s not gonna act serious because that leads to pain and he’s had more than enough of that. HOWEVER. i am genuinely so so pissed that he didn’t get to fight or really use his powers this season. and the part before ben sacrifices himself where klaus finally got up the courage to try and help, the fact that he didn’t succeed - that it wasn’t klaus who saved the day - is just... sldflksd GOD I HATE IT. oh and the scene towards the end where everyone gets shot and the one remaining swede kills the handler?? THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN KLAUS. he should have come back to life as he does, as is PART OF HIS POWERS, grabbed a gun that he knows how to use well - thank you vietnam - and he should have shot the bitch. but no. we didn’t even get that. vanya got klaus’s levitation and diego got klaus’s telekinesis and klaus got ??? a cowboy hat. which i mean looks good on him and he deserves it but it doesnt make up for *gestures at everything* and tbh even that was tainted because one of the siblings says “50$ if we leave him here” when klaus runs to grab the hat. seriously??!! SERIOUSLY??! it’s not funny, it’s just more of people not caring about klaus and thinking abandoning him is a fun joke to make ANYWAY. onto things you actually mentioned sdlkdsjf;ls i think the cult wasn’t pointless to his character necessarily, i think it did provide something, but it wasn’t used to its fullest extent. we got little things like klaus talking about it making him claustrophobic and making him feel like his skin is on fire, and his followers become something he cant escape even though he desperately wants too - it’s like having the ghosts all over again except he’s sober and these are live people who can touch him. but the show never actually out loud makes that comparison when they should have. i think it would have helped the cult thing seem less random. as for the dave thing.. i don’t think it was a lot of ‘nothing’ but again i think they could have definitely done more with it. it lets klaus see dave again, in a way, and it shows us more about both of them and the relationship they had. we learn more about dave, who he is, the kind of people he had around him and the environment he grew up in. it shows us that klaus and dave talked about all kinds of things, nothing was too mundane or unimportant. it shows us that three years after dave’s death klaus is still grieving and is still 100% in love. and it shows us that klaus isn’t always as selfish as people assume right alongside another hit to the face (oof unintentional wording) of just how much he loved dave. he wanted to save dave’s life so badly he made a fool of himself, put up with homophobia, took a hit to the face, and still kept trying to stop him from enlisting even though, per the last timeline, it would mean they’d never meet. klaus is willing to have dave never know him, is willing to handle that pain and heartbreak pretty much forever, as long as dave lives. my heart literally cannot handle it the possession thing. i haven’t stopped being angry and uncomfortable and disgusted by it since i saw it like 2 days ago now. that plot the writers really fucked up on it was a big thing for their relationship but not in any way that lead to growth or understanding or power control or ANYTHING. i love ben but i have so many fucking problems with him after watching s2 that i almost wanna take my love back tbh. the writers tried to make it seem like what ben was doing was okay - because he was angry and frustrated with klaus, because klaus wasn’t doing what he wanted, because klaus couldn’t stay sober, etc. like any of that makes possessing someone without their consent okay... or threatening to possess someone the moment their guard is down (leaving klaus paranoid and afraid to sleep).. or getting permission to possess someone and then refusing to leave (and its double garbage when diego encourages ben to continue possessing klaus. diego’s reason was gross and even if he hadnt given a reason he was still encouraging ben to not give klaus’s body back to him. which like.. im sure klaus can see and hear what’s going on. so he now is aware that his brother would rather have ben-wearing-klaus than actual klaus. the amount that would fucking hurt. a nyway) klaus never really got to talk about how it made him feel, not in any situation where anyone was listening. he never got to go off on ben for what he did, and what he was about to do, even though he had every right to. ben kind of knew how klaus felt about it but he showed very clearly that he didnt care. ben just did not fucking care about klaus this season. and it wasnt a ‘tough love’ thing like they tried to do in s1. it was just horrible and it hurt to watch. and i feel like s2 ben wouldnt have apologized to klaus even if he had been seriously confronted. we now know that klaus has this power. and we know that it can easily be abused by someone else. and i feel like that could tie into his ability to make the ghosts corporeal and such. it could definitely work as an interesting lead into exploring more of his many powers. and it could have worked as a way to bring ben and klaus closer without anyone getting hurt or violated. but.. for s2.. it wasnt used that way. it was used as a way to degrade and humiliate klaus. and they clearly wanted us to find it funny. it was one of the least funny things to happen all season. actually probably THE least funny thing. right along with nobody giving a shit when they thought klaus was having a seizure or OD-ing (both during their meeting with reginald and in the alley when they were supposed to meet up to use the briefcase five got from the handler), AND OF COURSE  nobody taking klaus seriously, paying attention to him, or caring about him (except for allison at some points) and ben finally going into the light at the end..  was kind of shoved in?? but i think what made it feel that way, for me at least, wasn’t so much the placement or timing of it but that it wasn’t really acknowledged afterwards?? it just.. happened, and we were all heartbroken, and on screen... nothing. it felt like a very sudden end to his storyline and yeah they could have done a little more to make it feel like a natural end for him thanks for the ask and sharing your thoughts on s2 with me~!! <3

[jackednephi]

Hello! Apologies for sending in an ask so late. I just wanted to reach out because I'm not in such a great place right now. I was wondering, if you found out about your being queer at a fairly young age, how you managed to stay in the closet?? (And, you know, remaining alright, mentally) my parents are extremely homophobic, and it's tearing me apart, especially because I really care about them. Any advice would be great, even if it's not much. Best of luck in everything, and thank you so much ♥️

so tumblr doesn’t always let me know when i have messages >(

that said, i’ll do my best to respond but like it’s going to be long and convoluted so imma include a cut to save dash space. PLEASE KEEP IN MIND i am polyamorous, agender/trans, pansexual, and demiromantic. so like there are various facets of my queerness and they all played into my life differently

feel free to skip close to the end for like “how to stealth” if you don’t have the spoons for like a 20 page autobiography with annotated bibliography

so finding out about being queer is a question that has both a yes and a no answer. it’s more like i was experiencing queerness but didn’t have words for it, then repressed it, then dealt with it. so it’s less “i knew ever since i could form words to describe it” and more my journey was in no way linear

see when i was little, like really little yknow when you start getting your first crushes right around prek and stuff, i had all kinds of crushes. i had crushes on multiple people at once and this has continued straight into adulthood. so, like, sign one of being poly. my friends would have one person they would hardcore crush on whereas i was crushing on people around me, characters in fiction, just like so many people. i remember listing crushes in my journals every now and then and i’d have lists of upwards and over like 20. :/ so i am in no way surprised i’m poly

so far as my sexuality, i didn’t realize i was feeling for certain female friends what i was feeling for boys. partly because i’d be like “oh i want to hold his hand” and because i saw m/f couples holding hands all the time i was like ah! yes! obviously romantic! but i never saw any f/f relationships so i didn’t make the connection that the hand holding wasn’t a friend feeling. i had INTENSE crushes on girls too, just as intense as on boys. but i was used to the media portraying rival nonsense like hannah montana and whatnot so i was like “oh. this is my situation”

there was also a lot of repressing going on because i just didn’t see that reflected around me from media to adults. all i saw were m/f relationships. i knew gay people existed but i thought they were all gay men. when i was somewhere around like 10 or so, give or take, i realized i was crushing on my best friend at the time (a girl) and was like “no. absolutely not” shoved that as far back as possible and ignored it

my demiromanticism is more born of trauma than me being born that way and that’s ok. one of my close friends found out about one of my crushes in the second grade and i was RELENTLESSLY bullied for it. every time i got a crush on somebody, i would end up HARDCORE bullied or they would get weird and things would be awful. i also had boys shove their crushes onto me and not take no for an answer. like i’d have my bra snapped painfully, bugs shoved down my shirt, my stuff vandalized, hair pulled just because i wasn’t interested

like when i was 12, somebody started a rumor that i was pregnant :/ and that’s not even covering my abusive ex or the sexual assaults so like everything kind of came together for that

then there’s my gender. which is its own bucket of worms and kind of played in with my sexuality in certain ways

my parents are boomers, born in 50 and 58. “but vann,” you say, confused “you were born at the end of 94″ and you are correct! i inherited pcos from my mother so i’ll let you put 2 and 3 together as to why i was born in 94 and my brother in 96. i say that because, unlike their peers, they raised my brothers and i radically different from the accepted cultural norms

if i wanted to wear baggy shorts, that was cool. pretty dresses? whatever. same (kind of) went for my brothers. if they wanted to spend a lot of time on their appearance, that was fine and not shamed at all. in fact, it was encouraged because it made them feel good. i played with army men, barbie dolls, cars, a train set, tools, swords, sports stuff, had tea parties with stuffed animals, drew and crafted, etc etc. my younger brother played house with me (and often suggested it himself) and would play with my baby dolls. like had my younger brother wanted a doll, they would’ve gotten it for him. but i had them so he didn’t bother asking for one cause he could borrow mine

so like there was no gender segregation of toys or activities. and that sounds kind of like the bare minimum of parenting but you have to remember that both of my parents grew up in the rural south as boomers. gender roles were violently enforced for them. but they didn’t think about enforcing them for us so far as play and, to a certain extent, dress/grooming was concerned. this created a safe environment for us to be our true selves

so for a very long time, i was comfy saying i was a girl. i played basketball after school and then afterwards would find my prettiest dress and watch scooby doo. gender expression was fast and loose in my house

i contribute that a lot to the fact that my father was too disabled to work. even before then, he had been a nurse and a damn good one. my father has ALWAYS been the go to for when we were sick, injured, etc. my mother had this disconnect with how much concern to show. it was either too much or not enough and was pretty much never helpful. even after retiring, when my nephews came around he was the go to caretaker for them. even now at 70, he frequently goes back to where the children are during family gatherings and keeps watch. much like a mother hen

so he stayed home and did the cleaning and other “wifely” duties. not cooking though because his brain just cannot. my mother worked as a high school teacher so typical roles were entirely reversed. when i was tiny and wanted nothing more than to be a parent? you go, sweetie! when i was older and wanted to be a scientist? achieve your dreams, kiddo! like they were very supportive of my goals no matter what they were

so i just??? didn’t realize????? until i hit puberty somewhere around 9

talk about body dysphoria. i went from looking like my brother and every other kid my age to wow ok there’s hair now??? and my face is all weird???? and oh no why does my tummy feel funny?????????? (sexual arousal was a TRIP to discover as a third grader that i would not wish on any child ever) oh my god WHAT IS ON MY CHEST!? and grown men are hitting on me now??? oh no i’m in fourth grade and bleeding!?

it was not a fun time by a long shot. i started wearing the baggiest tshirts i could possibly find. anything to hide my freakish body, really. so many hoodies. i would swing wildly between hyper feminine expression with tight clothes and heels and hiding everything as much as possible. part of me was smug about being ahead of my peers, for adults to be treating me as more than a kid. but a LOT of me felt like a freak

maturing (mentally) into an adult was a wild experience. i was 13 and looked like i was 21 except for my face. i did everything possible to find comfort with myself from goth/emo expression ro masculine stuff people threw “dyke” at me for and then finally, weaponized femininity. tight tops, tight pants, shortest skirts i could get away with, eyeliner so sharp it could cut god, heels as often as i could including uniform days, perfect hair. i made myself look like a hot, unapproachable goddess

finally, people were too intimidated to approach me and comment on my appearance. i wore makeup like a mask and people who had known me for YEARS were surprised to find out just how big my chest really was. but i walked with murder in my eyes and i was finally treated the same was i was before puberty - completely unapproachable

ALL THAT IN MIND, here’s how i figured my shit out

i was on facebook seeing “gay, straight, black or white, marriage is a civil right” and being typically “it’s a sacred ordinance shyaddap” about it. i ended up on tumblr about idk 15 or so? note, i’d already discovered porn by this time so i was aware that lesbians existed. like just to throw that out there that i wasn’t like totally in the dark when i made my tumblr account. i did it for school to blog about shakespeare for an english assignment. and that’s when my world expanded

bisexual? wow ok! that was a thing! and oh. oh no

there were pretty girls

and pretty boys and pretty people whose gender i had no idea. cosplayers cosplaying as the opposite gender, trans people, and a whole rainbow of people i was suddenly finding attractive. and i had a HARDCORE identity crisis

i liked girls? but was it the same as boys? was i bisexual? that didn’t seem to fit. there was more than two genders right? and trans people existed? bi? was i bi? bi?

bi. probably

but it didn’t feel comfortable like at all. but i discovered a fanfic writer who talked about being pansexual and i looked it up and everything just clicked?? into place????

not to be overdramatic or anything but it was like the stars finally aligned. it felt SO good! so many genders! and it meant all and aliens are a thing, right? who was i to say no to the possibility? but, more than anything, it felt comfortable. like a hug from my grandma. like home

i wanted to scream from the rooftops that i’d figured it out! i found myself! pansexual! I WAS PANSEXUAL! THAT WAS ME! HOME!

and then the reality of living in our society crashed down on me. i continued to talk about the guys i liked around my family but never EVER the girls. i hid my relationship with the person who eventually became my wife. to be fair, i’d hidden all my relationships prior cause i was an IDIOT and had been dating before 16. so that wasn’t hard. but what was was the breakup

previously, i’d been like “you remember that guy i like? he’s a jerk” or some other excuse to cry to my mother. but i couldn’t about cake. so i cried to my bff/twin/sister like i had everything else and moved on. and i just kind of shut up about it to everybody except those closest to me

except that hurt. here i was knowing i was queer and happy about it but people were being homophobic. i don’t know how often i cried myself to sleep after hearing about “those dirty f*gs” cause of the marriage thing. i ended up quietly coming out to my favorite teacher and she dismissed it as trauma response to my then recent sexual assault. she had seemed safe but that was her reaction so i shut up about it

up until, ironically, coming out day october 2011 just before turning 17 that next month. my mother and i were at chilis, she was being homophobic, and i screamed for the whole restaurant to hear that i was queer and the whole base found out. hard to stay closeted after that

i was pretty much out until college when i started going to church in a new place. i just didn’t talk about my sexuality. ever. period. and it was “easy” because i was dating guys. and pretty sure i was a cis woman. so i was stealth passing. and that was ok with me because i was out on campus, vocally and unapologetically

in high school, i dated a trans guy. he introduced me like in a personal way to transness, to binding. i knew i wasn’t a man but it intrigued me. and in college where nobody knew me, nobody knew me as femme fatale black widow i had a chance to explore my gender. i discovered that loose tshirts made me feel really good. as did other comfy things like shorts and sweats. sometimes i wanted to look fancy or felt like wearing a dress. really, i kind of reverted back to who i was in childhood

i felt weird when i heard my birth name. i’d gone by a nickname for so long, i just chopped off the y (vanny) to vann so it sounded more adult. it felt good. so i identified, tentatively, as nonbinary. it was around this time the trans dude i dated and i fell out with each other because he thought me playing around with my gender was like mocking his transness. or something. idk dude was toxic trash

so i wasn’t male or female then? nah that didn’t feel right. i wasn’t some third androgynous gender. but sometimes binding and passing as a man felt good and sometimes passing as a woman felt good. genderfluid then? was i a man who liked to wear dresses? no. didn’t feel right. made me uncomfortable

eventually, things clicked for me with agender the way they had with pansexual the fall of my third year of undergrad. stars aligned, the universe smiled upon me, and i was THRILLED. like gender euphoria is REAL and never before had i felt so comfortable in my own skin. i remember literally weeping with joy. like i’d been going with they/them/their for a couple years at that point

i came out to my parents about that one pretty shortly after realizing it because i was OVERJOYED. they’d been working on calling me vann for awhile at that point and the pronouns. i’ve since learned that so long as soebody has my name, 90% of the time i legit do not care what pronouns somebody uses. im aware that people perceive me differently and it’s fine. i mean neutral pronouns fill me with euphoria but like it’s fine. so long as somebody doesn’t mistake me for cis

my parents are like so great about it now. they correct people who deadname me (except my grandma cause she’s like 85 and i gave her permission years ago) and my mother straight cut contact with family members who refuse to respect me. except my brothers but like she makes it clear whenever they’re going to be awful that she WILL NOT tolerate it. like they don’t dare trash me in front of our father. he’s old now but he will backhand one of my brothers for that and they know it. so they try it with our mom and she’s like “try it again and you won’t hear from me until you apologize for trashing your sister”

i realized i was poly when cake came back into my life. that was a serious mess involving their abusive ex girlfriend but we clicked and it ended up working so yknow. that was my easiest coming out actually. my parents were like “yknow, you always seemed to love people when you were a kid. and you had SO many crushes. makes sense” which was awesome. it was the most difficult emotionally but  the easiest because i’d already come out twice before so it was whatever

the demi thing was discovered in therapy. and like it doesn’t have much in the way of impact like the other things do. so i never really came out about that? there wasn’t really a point? like i talk about it when it comes up but it’s just whatever. i honestly have no idea if i ever told my family?????

WITH THAT NONSENSE IN MIND, HERE’S HOW TO STEALTH AND BE OK MENTALLY

you said homophobic so im gonna assume you’re not straight. no idea about gender and, honestly, so far as gender goes i’ve seen it’s safer to lean into masculinity than it is femininity. so if you’re amab, i don’t really have tips or tricks for that as i’m afab. with being afab, lean into the tomboy aesthetic so you seem acceptably (safely) your assigned gender. i recommend fun lipstick and nail polish colors. sparkly nails did wonders for me honestly

but for like not straightness. that’s a tightrope that is but a gossamer thread to balance. like there are ways to stealth gender expression and feel affirmed but queerness is a different animal or it was for me

so i had AT LEAST one space in my life where i was 100%, unapologetically, loudly out. like i’m here, i’m queer and flying my rainbow flag and not at all sorry about it OUT. for awhile, it was just my very closest friends in the whole world. then it was tumblr. then i made a facebook for people irl i could trust. 0 family and 0 people who couldn’t be chill about it

like having a carved space for you to just be the authentic you, whatever that is. for me, that’s all this queer mess, the polycule that is my family, my faith, my absolutely foul mouth, my mental illnesses, my love of good coffee or a glass of wine every now and then as a rare treat, the good and the bad the ugly and the uncategorizable all together. the struggle with the word of wisdom AND the love of my spouses. all of that

it’s affirming to have this space where you’re yourself and people accept you for who you are rather than what gets your engine revving. but you’ve also got to try and stealth that into wherever you can. you want a dyke spike? go for it and say it’s a pixie cut. plaids are in right now which is a lowkey signal to other queers you’re a queer too no matter your gender. just depends on what shoe you pair it with and other queers will take notice while non queers will just think you’re trendy

it was also fun for me to get that pan flag aesthetic wherever i could. like blue/pink galaxy type eyeshadow that wasn’t too peacock flashy so it looked Hot without being Obvious and a pink lipstick and yellow nails. like it was subtle but i knew what was going on and it felt good. i did the same with rainbows but i had more to work with there. like i’d have an inconspicuous notebook where i’d paint/paste a rainbow on the inside cover so that it was Normal from the outside and BAM! GAY! on the inside. did that with highlighting my notes too

i just kind of stuck it everywhere i could possibly get away with. people were excited to see me go from emo to bring colors becuase “oh wow! you’re finally not sad!” lol no i’m just stealth queer over here

i also wrote SO MUCH queer fanfiction. i didn’t publish any of it just in case but i have notebooks full of stuff. i also rped with people as a way to live vicariously through characters. i also READ a lot of queer fanfiction actually. i saved all kinds of fanart and photo manipulations of certain pairings together. like i couldn’t be out so i could have fiction where others were

i also poured myself into hobbies. i fenced, did karate, learned japanese, participated in drama club, played in a band, took piano lessons, taught myself to draw, journaled, learned to cook, read amazing books, played video games, learned to sing. like i’m sure there are other things i’m forgetting? basically, if it was EVER covered in a young women’s activity pretty much anywhere in the world, i learned at least those basic skills. like i can embroider now even

so like that’s how i stealthed and stayed sane. i was also in therapy where i was out to whatever therapist i was seeing at the time which ABSOLUTELY helped. i also made like queer playlists i would listen to. like same love, i kissed a girl, born this way, etc that i would listen to when i needed to just sink into it. music in general is super cathartic and i’ve gotta say green day, acdc, evanescence, bon jovi, etc got me through some tough shit

i also yelled at god. i yelled at god a LOT actually. like i know we get told “pray for comfort” but sometimes you need to bawl your eyes out and just SCREAM at the almighty. dude can take it. he’s god after all. he can handle our anger. it isn’t disrespectful. like if you ever do cross a line, he’ll let you know. like your thoughts will hard stop. you’ll know

but empty your lungs screaming in pain. let him know it isn’t fair, you’re not happy. beg for relief from the nightmares you’re living. demand to know if or when it’ll ever get better. burn yourself out yelling and crying and fall asleep drenched in tears. then wake up the next day and live your life and you know what?

you’ll feel better. maybe not a lot sometimes and maybe everything is cool for once in forever. but it definitely helped me a lot. like dude listens and you WILL feel better even if the things around you dont get better. you get some strength to get through and be ok and it’s super helpful

but that’s what i got. also bear in mind that i came out to thousands of people by yelling at my mother in a restaurant when all the ships were in because everybody in said restaurant texted everybody they knew and my texts were flooded in like an hour of “DON’T TELL ME YOU CAME OUT TO YOUR MOM LIKE THAT OMG” and “you’re queer!?” so like

i’m not the best when it comes to stealth queering so take my advice with a grain of salt

[primordialwhale]

top 5!! favorite plot/backstory/etc things u have for ocs! talk 2 me abt yr ocs gimme some stuff yr proud of!

gOD so much of my OC stuff is just self indulgent garbage that its so ??? different to be lookin at it from a “hm what am i PROUD of” lens but!! Im gonna try!!! or at least just fucking info dump about ocs a lot!!!

OH BOY THIS GOT LONG IM SO SORRY I CANNOT SHUT UP AND ALSO I HAVE A LOT OF BACKSTORY FOR THINGS

1.

 ok this is so homebrewed bc fuck canon D&D lore but: the Backstory for my PC Ki’ae is that they WERE a part of vecnas cult via familial ties (their mother was a Thought of Vecna which is kinda like a high priest) and was a part of an attack on the Raven Queen’s domain.

 When they were slain by the RQ’s army She revived them and put their soul into the body of a Shadar-Kai and let them live again if they would devote their life to atoning for what they’ve done and become one of the people who fight against anyone who uses magic and necromancy magic for evil like Vecna. 

2.

 Uh my OC aaron was in, and got kicked out of a band when he was younger and that’s always a really fun dynamic to play with fjgkjhjdlfkg. he’s also my biggest like “bitch u were shitty and mentally ill and now u gONNA GET BETTER MOTHERFUCKER” oc so thats ALSO really fun to play with. Recovery btich!!! hell yeah!!!!

3. 

idk if proud is the word for it but one oc I had literally started as a joke. 

ok so there’s a lot of world backstory bc uhhh my partner and I literally just fckIN made an entire universe (that started out as the rwby universe and then our own ideas took over and basically the only similar things are uhhh names for stuff)

 but anyway basically there’s this fucking world wide crime ring (fucking everyone is criminals and its great) and in each kingdom there’s like a group of like 3-5 crime bosses that have territory split up in each kingdom 

but like we made this system b4 we made enough characters to fill in the gaps so we’d just fucking give some fucker a name and some shitty personality whenever they’d come up and this motherfucker started off as like a peridot from SU rip off 

and then a couple months later this bitch has a whole backstory of basically being “hired” by an evil crime boss as a teenager and being turned into evil crime bosses like secret special task force with a couple other kids. ended up as said crime boss’s second in command at some point. ended up being a boss himself. Bitch has a BOYFRIEND at some point is TRANS AS FUCK and MANY SIBLINGS. and I LOVE HIM. 

4. 

oh another one where things didn’t turn out as originally planned (this happens a lot) I made an oc, nila, to just kinda be a bg chara for my partner’s crime boss character 

and he was gonna be a bit of a dick and like hated everything and his job, but then we started doin rps with them and now he’s a big buff bi softy who is lowkey highkey in love with his boss and will literally die for her and almost does a few times 

and he had a boyfriend in the past and shit went tits up bc said boyfriend worked for the evil boss mentioned in the last number and like everything got messed up and they don’t talk for years bc Nila thinks Star (boyfriend) is dead after Star broke up with him but they kinda end up meeting back up in the future and dealing with their shit and they don’t get back together or anything but they’re best friends again. 

He’s actually another good like Recovery Is Great character bc after shit went down with Star he like uhhhhh got real fucked up but gets help and gets better and is a better person again and yknow life aint perfect and neither is he but its better and he can deal with thins better and its awesome.

He also used to be an assassin so thats neat. Now he’s just a second and a body guard for a crime boss he ends up smooching. 

5. 

Ok so like one of the first “started as a rwby oc and then whoops oh god things got out of hand” oc was Alizarin and i love her so much

so she ALSO started out as a character that was gonna be a lot like bitchier and meaner than she ended up. She’s the leader of team ABRN (and i’m still so mad that there’s a canon team ABRN now bc bitch I did it first) but anyway

she lived in a faunus only village outside of one of the kingdoms and then when she was 11 they kept getting suspicions and reports that their village was gonna get attacked and was asking for help from the military but they didn’t get it and the village was destroyed and she only got out by playing dead and then running. And she was living on the streets of the kingdom b4 this guy (fenris one of my partners ocs) kinda took her in and was her mentor for a while but then he disappeared and she was back on the streets 

but then she got saved and picked up by this older girl named ciel (and here’s where some trauma projecting comes in hewwo) but she was like fucking terrible and forced Al to become like big bag mercenaries with her and they’d manipulate and kill people and had like a Reputation™ (codenames Blackfoot and Kitsune) 

But she took a job one day that was getting info from a new boss that had popped up in another kingdom and that job actually went tits up but said boss was looking into her to like track her down and ended up finding out that yknow everything wasn’t really her idea she’s just following that fucker blackfoot so the boss, dym, gives her an option to leave blackfoot and join her and so she does and like after a long time of uhhhh learning to trust each other, Al, Dym and Dym’s second, mosquito (mo for short) end up being like Big Found Family.

And Al ends up going to school to be a huntress and she makes FRIENDS with her TEAM and she gets a GIRLFRIEND who’s actually ANOTHER crime boss and they’re HAPPY and CUTE and its GREAT. And she also finds out that her sister and kind of adopted brother are still alive and THATS great and i love it. 

[zevons]

what are your favorite EVERRRRR football fics?

The first thing I did when I saw this in my inbox was zip over to my handy dandy excel doc of fics I like and filter for football rpf.

WOW, okay self. So I scrolled through and opened up the ones I remembered particularly adoring, trying to be selective and

…alright then.

So what you see here is a list, painstakingly teased out and compiled and highly angsted over! There are so many excellent fics out there, goddamn. These are the ones that I return to over and over, and I also tried to get a good cross-section of some of my favourite pairings, because honestly I have 43 gerlonso fics alone to choose from and wanted to get a wider selection. (Also hey, my excellent followers! Please add what fics I’ve forgotten/whack me over the head with a newspaper for leaving out your faves.)

As Far As You and Me Go - distira: Pep Guardiola/José MourinhoFULL DISCLOSURE: I AM SO WEAK FOR THIS ~NARRATIVE IT IS EMBARRASSING. It’s so trope-y it could have been scripted for television. And this is, imo, the best fic out there for them, and a brilliant read besides. Even if you’re not into the pairing I can’t recommend it enough, as by nature of the ship it’s sort of the opposite of a getting-together story. (Also Sharon refused to read it for ages and ages bc ew, Mou, but I broke her down and she agreed it was good SO THERE.) The slow collapse of their relationship, the underlying nastiness on both sides, the scheming, conniving…this is the perfect example of ‘like a trainwreck; it’s terrible but you cannot look away’. You just have to keep on reading in a sort of fascinated horror as they go about carving their way through to their various victories, and at the end it’s impossible to be sure that they’ve even lost anything of value. If someone asked me to explain José Mourinho to them, I would probably give them Jonathan Wilson’s excellent article in the actual, real life Guardian, and this fic. SERIOUS BUSINESS. 

Being Young and Famous is Not a Consolation Prize - synaesthetical: Thomas MüllerA lot of these fics are Spain/England-based, but do not be fooled. On my deathbed, when my family is gathered around my withered corpse, weeping as I slowly fade from this life, one of my favoured great-grandchildren will ask, ‘Sabina, did you lead a happy life? What was your finest moment?’ And I will gaze up at the ceiling through my cataracts and say, smiling with true joy, ‘Yes, my life was fulfilled. Germany won the World Cup in 2014.’ AND THEN I WILL DIE. This particular fic is not about 2014, it is about 2010, but the point stands. If you love Germany NT, or feel, y’know, not hatred towards them, then please read it because it captures so wonderfully the tone of that tournament and that squad. Old enough to know better, but young enough to have a second chance when the time comes. This is one of those fics that I think really exemplifies not only a good story, but a good piece of football writing as well. That World Cup feeling, deliriously, dangerously happy, and at the same time how deadly serious this is. How deadly serious football is. It’s light, lovely writing, and it hits hard. 

eDisharmony - ascience: Benedikt Höwedes/Mats HummelsI’m not even going to pretend like this fic doesn’t hold the massive cool award of being the fic that inspired me to get back into writing. I gotta love myself, yknow! It’d been five-ish years since I’d written any fic of substance (I think I only posted about 4,000 words in total in that time) and then wham, I read this fic, fell entirely in love, and decided to jump on the train. And just so you know I’m not entirely biased, I reread it like a week ago and yes, it’s still hilarious, 10/10 would restart my fic career again. The dialogue and the pacing bounce along so gleefully in this story, you really have to be eating popcorn while reading. There’s a wonderfully joyful irreverence and so many shenanigans. Sooo many shenanigans. The style of the humour is also just infectious. It’s fun, there’s no better way to say it. This is a fun fic. It also has the added pleasure of reminding me just why I love/hate forums. Ohhh forums. Bring back forums! I’ve lurked on ONTD-F too long to ever properly participate and r/soccer is full of manchildren. 

Filling Up the Space - luxover: Xabi Alonso/Steven GerrardThis isn’t exactly what you would think of as ‘traditional’ gerlonso (and forreal, it’s such an Institution by this point that it’s practically spawned its own subgenres. That’s when you know a pairing has really made it.) and so it’s always stuck out to me. It’s mean, in a way that this pairing usually isn’t, and I find it absolutely fascinating. I also love this Steven; a bit harsher, a bit harder, a bit more destructive than usually shows up in fic. I mention it later down this list in a different rec but fic!Stevie has a tendency to become a bit soppy, and this is a man who would kill for his club, grim but determined. This is a divorce fic, more or less, and the way that it pulls all the threads apart to show why they were woven together in the first place is…I don’t want to say chilling, because that makes it sound like a horror story or something, but it definitely gives you pause. Idk, I just really appreciate it. (By the way it does have a happy ending, if a lack thereof would have turned you off. On the other hand, if you’ve been jaded to gerlonso and are just sick to the teeth of them, this might be the thing to draw you back in! Incredibly compelling read.)

Good Timing - Ferritin4: Xabi Alonso/Steven GerrardI couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve read this fic. I love future fic, love love looove it, and this is possiblymaybedefinitely my favourite of the genre. Xabi is managing Real Madrid and Stevie is a pundit and it is glorious. Their voices are so perfectly written, it’s the kind of fic where I have to set aside twice as long to read it as I usually would, because I inevitably end up reading and rereading almost every line, just to really savour the dialogue and the pacing. And the pining! Oh, the pining. Stevie and Xabi are so perfectly characterised, and in such generous characters. That’s really the only way I can think to describe them. Generous. The fic is warm and funny, and so comfortable. You can really tell that they’ve been friends for decades, and how deeply important that friendship has been to both of them. Also did I mention the pining? Oh god, the pining. It is delicious. 

look back in anger - neyvenger: Jamie Carragher/Gary NevilleIf you like rivalshipping and you haven’t read any Carraville fics, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING. I don’t care if you’re only vaguely, guiltily fond of Liverpool and still haven’t forgiven Manchester United for doing All That Winning in the most formative years of your footballing life, filling you with the kind of simmering rage that probably won’t go away until you die. (What, talking from experience? Nah m8, this is a hypothetical. Haha. Hah. sigh) I don’t care!! It’s a great pairing that managed to escape the boundaries of being a crack ship and has somehow strayed dangerously close to being the best ship in the business! And if you like Carraville and haven’t read this fic, THEN I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU UNTIL YOU SIT YOURSELF DOWN AND READ IT. There’s time-travel! There’s enemies-to-friends-to-enemies-to-friends! Bb!Carra putting in tackles! At one point David Beckham is described as having “the air of a lazy cat”, which made my deep and enduring crush on said David Beckham cry out for mercy. THIS FIC HAS EVERYTHING.

Sandbox - scheherazade: Michael Ballack/Alexi LalasDo you like nonsense? Do you like obnoxious Americans? Do you like obnoxious Germans? How about a lot of insufferability on both sides, a whole lot of pigtail pulling, and people being Wrong in football analysis? Then this pairing is for you! Micha was my first football crush and I will forever thank whoever decided that he would make a good analysis partner for Alexi Lalas. There’s something so great about that footage from 2012, whenever Alexi says something and you can actually witness the incredulity in Michael’s face as he prepares to utterly and irrefutably shoot down whatever ridiculous statement he’s just heard. God bless! I just love these confrontational ships. They deserve a mountain of fic but with ones as good as this, I’m satisfied. They dance the line between dickiness and idiocy with such delight, you almost find yourself rooting against them because they probably don’t deserve it, even if good-hearted golden retriever Taylor Twellman is pulling for those crazy kids. This is a funny fic, and they’re such a wonderful odd couple, but if you’re like me and are consistently being emotionally tortured by the 2006 World Cup/Euro 2008/Michael Ballack’s general life and career, then you will also appreciate the underlying disappointment of a man behind a desk when he just wants to be out on the grass. 

Supertyp - imkerin: Pep Guardiola/Philipp LahmLAUGHS WILDLY INTO THE VOID OHHHH MY GOD this fic exposed me for the wreck of human being that I am, because I seriously seriously did not mean to ship this beyond like, a thought experiment, and then this fic happened and I was forced to come to terms with the fact that wow, I am All About This. Pep and Philipp’s mutual appreciation society finds its beginnings, Pep is exploratory, Philipp is cautious, José Mourinho is a ruinous individual who knows just when and where to twist the knife, I am fired into the sun by the United Nations for being entirely not okay. I was vaguely keeping it together until this fic. And so naturally, I reread it like, every other week. Every word is perfectly placed and every exchange is shoot to kill. The characters in this fic don’t do anything out of the ordinary for their jobs, but you get the sense that if they were in politics or poisons they would be frightening. 

they were a long hallway - madanach: Bastian Schweinsteiger/Lukas PodolskiTen years for this shit, man. Schweinski is one of those long-term, rock solid ships that you can rely on to like, have made you dinner when you get home from a twelve hour shift and pour you a fourth glass of wine without asking if you’ve maybe had too much. It’s always gonna be there, even though they’ve had their shaky moments. Despite those shaky moments and a lot of awkward growing up, it’s also a ship that can somehow seem easy. It can somehow seem like they don’t have to work for it. This fic has them work for it. There’s messiness and idiocy and some amazing fun times and some shitty low times. This fic is like the Bildungsroman for schweinski. It’s not clear-cut and it’s not straightforward: in life you get all tangled up and are sometimes tempted to just chop your way out, Gordian Knot-style, but you just can’t do that, y’know? This fic does such a good job with the tangling and the untangling, I feel like it validates a lot of the nonsense I got into in my Youth. Even though I’ll probably never win the World Cup as payoff, but still.

This Bitch of a Country - Rave: Xabi Alonso/Steven Gerrard[quiet wailing noise] nnngnggjhgn okay I said I was going to try and mix up the ships in this list but look!! look. Gerlonso is like, the ultimate holy fucking grail and there’re simply too many good fics not to throw more than one in here. Also it would be a crime not to include this one, which manages to be hilarious and heartbreaking, comforting and cruel, all at once. There’s something about mid-2000s Liverpool that will never fail to make my breath catch, this sort of tragic magnificence that achieved so goddamn much and yet…and yet. (Read this fantastic article from gone-too-soon Grantland, because this fic understands that atmosphere. Also I blame Thierry Henry entirely for validating my soft spot for this club. He set such a precedent!) There’s familiarity here, and anger, and the sort of hopeless love that makes you want to weep your goddamn eyes out. This fic manages to show the hurt on both sides without woobifying anyone out of recognition (and look…I love a good woobie as much as the next person but sometimes gerlonso gets skewed a bit too much in one direction or the other, with Stevie either being a helpless weepy ruin or Xabi being run out of everyone’s hearts on a rail, which can be great if you’re in the mood but a little bit of perspective is nice. And this fic has perspective in fucking droves.) 

tripas y corazón - Hyb: Iker Casillas/Sergio RamosThis fic will have you on the fucking floor. One of the inspirations behind football fic is, of course, the personalities and the relationships: who are these people, how do they interact, what ties them together. But another aspect is of course the clubs. Some of the best football fics are the ones that can really dig into the clubs, which are really sort of nebulous entities defined mostly by the players and the supporters. This fic uses the entity of Real Madrid to devastating effect. It’s a seriker fic, but it’s also very much a fic about the love affair between Iker and Real, and how thorny and complicated such a love affair can be. (Do you ever cry your eyes out about Iker Casillas? Do you ever wish you could throw yourself into a volcano as a sacrifice to make his life easier and happier? JOIN ME TODAY!) There’s something about the prose that brings everything out into a kind of harsh definition. As you read, you think that you can see what’s happening but then it does happen, and you feel winded, somehow. Blindsided. As a bonus, there’s also a cryptic and unhelpful Xabi cameo, in utterly classic style. Read and enjoy, read and die slowly inside because your life is a mess and you never even really supported  Real Madrid what has happened!!!!! here!!!!!!

und wenn ein lied - scheherazade: Philipp Lahm, Bastian Schweinsteiger, genThis is a difficult fic, okay. It’s not a nice fic, I guess, definitely not a happy fic, and it’s a tricky subject. It’s hosted on lj but if it had been written yesterday on AO3 there would be a lot of warning tags. Essentially it deals with homophobia in the sport, and whether or not players should come out or not. It’s a serious story and more than a little bit heartbreaking, but it’s a brilliant read and I can’t recommend it highly enough. Maybe I’m a little bit biased, because I love Fips and this fic can be seen as a kind of vindication for some disagreeable comments he made back in 2011 that got the fandom all a-spinning and it was generally not a great time. (On a side note, it is really interesting to read today and see just how much these politics have changed in the past- oh, fuck me, six years? Jesus I feel old) So definitely a huge YMMV warning on this one, but it remains one of my favourites. It’s beautifully written and really delves into various characters and the tightropes that they walk.

vainglory - anemoi: Raúl González/José María GutiérrezI blame two culprits for my complicated Thing with Real Madrid. The first is Iker Casillas and his unfairly beautiful face/hands, and the second is this fic. Because it’s fine to have a long-lasting crush on a player, but when you start delving into a club’s legends and becoming invested in the story lines? Then, my friend, you have a problem. There’s something gloriously sparse about the prose of this fic. It’s like a thin jacket in late fall that isn’t quite keeping you warm, so you just have to pull it tighter around yourself even though you keep shivering. There are so many descriptive passages that make you shudder: orange streetlights, oranges from a cart on the streets. There’s a sense of desperation in the bones of this fic, which is so stark against the backdrop of the club and the responsibility placed on the captain and vice-captain. Strength on the pitch contrasted with open vulnerability in quieter, more private moments. Breath-taking and just- ugh. This one really made an impact on me, and is always going to be one of my favourite Raúl/Guti stories amid a multitude of excellence. 

….

good grief, I know I’ve forgotten so many (and will in all probability wake up in the middle of night tonight in abject horror because how could I have forgotten such-and-such fic! And so-and-so!) but here you go, thirteen fics that I love and adore. All of these authors, too, have incredible oeuvres that are worth checking out! I could talk forever about fic and honestly, come ramble with me because yayy literary criticism! and also crying about footballers! etc etc

If you’ve read this far, I commend you. Thanks for the opportunity to talk your ear off!