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So i was looking around tumblr, and i found @squidflavoredsoup 's posts and like??? y'all i didn't know i wasn't alone in having this weird triangular guy in my house!!
seriously though, what is he even doing here???? how'd he even get inside???? where did he come from, cotton-eye joe???
#this better not have something to do with the book i bought recently >:[#like i bought it cause it looked haunted#didn't expect it to ACTUALLY be haunted >:[[[#also why does he get outlines but i dont? LIFE ISNT FAAAAAAAIIIR /ref#my art#sillies#unreality#tbob#tbob spoilers#bill cipher#the book of bill#ok ok jokes aside i had a lot of fun making this hfjdks!!!! like seriously i implore anyone else who wants to try out this trend to do it!!#its really fun :D#might actually add onto this and turn it into a mini saga or somethin idk#gravity falls#if you can't tell btw the @ is because i was directly inspired by them hfjdks#there's a bill cipher in my soup!!!#<- thats the name im giving this series of images#Fresh out of the toaster
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lover, don't touch me // leave, i am a danger to you // but ooh, i hunger for you
#this is leona's vampire lover audra#i guess you could say the first time they met was when audra nearly killed her in a blood lust because she hadnt fed in so long#idk how to describe it well but audra suddenly stopped devouring her when leona looked at her with no fear in her eyes#but looked at audra like she was something to worship#she whispered that audra was so beautiful even as her own blood was splattered between them and staining her lips#leona had never seen someone or something so perfect and powerful#power that she wanted and knew exactly how to get when audra whimpered over the slightest bit of praise#i never talk about them but i am CONSTANTLY thinking about them <3#some fun little facts is leona killed her husband in cold blood because he was pitiful and boring#she married the first person to show any interest in her just to get away from her family#he would have been a perfectly good husband for anyone else#but the best part of their marriage was when she stabbed him in the stomach 47 times and felt his blood splatter against her skin#for audra OBVIOUSLY had to make another oc who would do anything to be loved even if it means destroying herself#audra was turned very suddenly and without any guidance#she murdered her lover without even realizing it she opened her eyes to find them splattered across every surface of the room#because of that shes done everything she can to protect herself from others even if it means starving herself of blood#until she goes into a frenzy#leona is the first person she has ever willingly fed off of#idk if willingly is the right word since leona practically begs her to do it#i really want to remake leona now.........#i like how leona looks but i want her to match audra better#mysims#the sims 4#simblr#sims 4 screenshots#sims 4 cas#ts4 cas#sims 4 edit#ts4
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you know where to find me,
and i know where to look.
been thinking a lot about knight, the song of roland, and roland's companion olivier lately. so i decided to make something extremely self indulgent. textless versions under the cut!
does this even count as r1999 fanart anymore??? who knows!!! i for one am having fun with it. i apologize for the historically innacurate armor (since the song of roland is set in the frankish empire), i was following the reference i already had and favored experimenting with visuals over accuracy ^^; i had a lot of fun experimenting with silhouettes and negative shapes. these two make me very very normal (especially knight)
#reverse 1999#reverse 1999 a knight#a knight#artists on tumblr#my art#fanart#i'm so desperately starved for knight fan content that ISNT raunchy omg#idk if anyone else will get this but...i had fun doing this and i want to put this here for the fandom and thats all that matters to me#im actually writing up this post for the 7th time now because tumblr kept getting errors whenever i tried posting this#the world isn't ready for rolavier i fear
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Just to minimize my chances of being genuinely misunderstood OR deliberately misinterpreted, and crucified for something I don't think, How Dare You Say We Piss on the Poor website etc...I'm gonna say this right up top. I absolutely understand why people don't like Thessaly as a character, if anyone does completely unironically stan her as some kind of feminist hero who Did Nothing Wrong uwu, I personally see it as a bit of a red flag. I don't like terfs real or fictional. In a vacuum, I could even completely sympathize and agree with the people who want her cut.
HOWEVER.
It's really something to me to see people clamoring for her to be cut, because she carries and expressed an ugly indefensible prejudice (transphobia) in words towards (1) person. Meanwhile Hob fucking Gadling enacted one of the most violent forms of antiblack racism I can even think of against thousands no, millions of people, the ripple effects of which still affect billions more today. Just a little light idk, profiting off the fucking slave trade and had to be told by someone else that it was bad...and he's a fan favorite.
People are saying Thessally being Dream's love interest reflects badly on him or is somehow endorsement by the narrative (?!?!?!?!?!? Didn't she (SPOILER ALERT AS IF IT MATTERS BY NOW) help participate in his extended assisted suicide? She's not painted as a great person to me just another character what are y'all SMOKING whatever fine. It's fine this is fine.) But shipping Dream with Mr. Former Slaver is not only not verboten or frowned on widely in the fandom but its THEE most popular pairing by far. So...why the difference?
Like where are the same fans who are saying Thessaly shouldn't just be more clearly shown to be wrong, she shouldn't even be in the show at all when it comes to Hobert's crimes??? Yes, transphobia is indefensible. Isn't racism?
And I hear the cries of "it's fiction!!!" Already rallying (if anyone who needs to hear this even sees it lol) to which I say:
HORSESHIT. I KNOW you don't, deep down, really agree because if you did, why get upset about Thessaly being included??? Why does what she said to one person matter if it's Just Fiction You Guyze. Fictional characters are allowed to do bad things and fiction isn't reality sweaty....except when you only apply that standard to fictional racists you like and simp for, but fictional transphobes you don't are SO HARMFUL they shouldn't even be portrayed in fiction.
Like. Give me a big fat BREAK. This looks like bullshit, no? I'm sorry, but I'd love for someone to try and give any other explanation besides one personally offended you or hit home for you, and the other doesn't.
And if that bothers you or you feel like it says something negative about you...idk what you want me to say??? You can't control how other people perceive you and that's how people outside this majority-of-the-fandom bubble see it. You don't need to respond, I just wish and genuinely hope this gives you a moment to think about why fans who ARE bothered by both (and not just paying lip service to being bothered by the one but railing against the other) are so frustrated with people saying everyone is welcome but in practice only bending over backwards for the comfort and emotions of themselves, and people they can easily relate to.
You don't have to like Thessaly (I don't. I find her an interesting antagonist, I don't stan her. And frankly imo likability is not. the point of her character) but you'll pardon me for feeling more than a bit cynical and side eying people's motivations for what seems a...pretty obvious double standard, on what fictional crimes related to real world issues matter to y'all, and which clearly don't. Either actually bring the same energy to the table for fictional people who committed atrocities, even if against a group you're not part of and thus don't feel the need to empathize with, or just carry on, but accept that you don't have the SLIGHTEST room to talk about cutting characters who do immoral things. And you also need to accept that you look like a hypocrite when you do.
#thessaly#wanda the sandman#hob gadling#fandom racism#I could've cried sexism!!! Problematic Male vs Female Characters except 1) I don't actually think that's the main reason *here*#2) there are WAY better examples of that particular double standard in this fandom#also i can admit when I'm a bit of a hypocrite or was.#i used to dip my toes into the dreamling stuff too early on#but idk. It just got too sour seeing ppl whitewash (lol I know I'm a comedian)#what he did over and over. And I genuinely had started to wonder#if the show hadn't included that particular crime and I'd just imagined it from the comics because#my memory is shit sometimes and I guess I was naive. I *wanted* to believe someone would talk aboutit#if it had made it in. but ultimately i went back and checked and no#and seeing how the whole fandom behaving affected my non-white mutuals some of whom...#like these are my friends man or ppl I just respect and I can't just. Ignore their feelings and their pov#and act like they werent making points or it doesn't matter#like it's all just fun and games for everyone on the same terms. And seeing how easy it was#for everyone to ignore was so unsettling. I couldn't keep pretending it was just fiction and didn't affect anyone real#Call me a bully a t3rf apologist (fuck you and for the record. no)#a puritan or a Fancop (actually stop comparing#people disagreeing with you online to what cops do. For fucks sake you just make it look like nothing is really real to you outside fandom)#whatever man. Whatever helps you sleep. I'm just gonna block you#if you're clearly sticking your fingers in your ears. engaging with you is a waste of time and energy then#Hell I have sympathy for anyone who doesn't like thessaly#especially trans fans. Especially rn. But lbr that sympathy for a lot of the white trans/queer fans only goes one way!!!#never gets extended to anyone else's issues. Like THATSthe issue. And it's shitty!#(sorry this post is not about me in the confessional lol that's why I put this at the bottom#I just had feelings to get out and yes its my blog but i didn't want to clog the airways)
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i think its weird that i have to make this disclaimer but the internet is crazy so wtvr,, anyway,,
if i say i dont like something, that doesnt mean "that thing is bad and nobody should post it.."
i swear literally every time i even mention that i dislike something, people will go "wow does that mean u fucking hate me cuz i post that thing? ur a fucking stupid bitch and all ur opinions r wrong" LIKE ?? er.. no. just because i say i dont like certain characterizations of certain characters (the saiki k fandom is CRAZY about this cuz i can state an opinion on literally any character and a group of people will still go 'well only we're allowed to post our opinions about them because we're always right!1!1!'), or certain ship tropes (mentioned my hatred of toxic yaoi maybe once or twice on here months ago and people STILL get mad at me as if i said toxic yaoi lovers r evil or something), or certain ships, or WHATEVER, does not mean that i HATE the people who are posting them or that i think they shouldnt post them at all, NO, im just posting about my personal tastes on my personal blog and it would be extremely weird and hypocritical if i decided that i was the ONLY person that was allowed to do that,,
i think the only reason people assume that is because there are a lot of other people on here who ARE like that, and a lot of people toe the line between posting that they dont like something and posting that they think everyone who likes that thing is stupid, annoying, and wrong,, so i guess all i can say is, sorry for whatever made you make these assumptions but they arent true about me so plz leave me alone ʘ‿ʘ ur doing the same thing to me that ur accusing me of but i didnt do it in the first place so ur just actively being a dick for no reason
#crazy that the mindset some people on here have is that theyre the only ones allowed to post their opinions#ive repeated this a lot on this blog but i rlly think people forget that the person on the other side of the screen is in fact a person#if ur harassing people and publicly making fun of them then ur just as bad as any real life bully#that shit isnt as funny or harmless as u like to pretend it is#not once have i ever targetted anyone or went on someones blog to harass them over my opinion#yet people think its fine to do the same to me and treat it as if its like. revenge or something#like ? me saying 'i dont like toxic yaoi' is not equivalent to someone going on someone elses page and going 'how tf do u like toxic yaoi'#I DONT CARE !! all ive ever done is sit in my own little bubble and had opinions and that makes people mad#honestly though the people who will publicly talk and post abt it are significantly meaner#and i want to act like im not bothered by it because i know most of them r just angry that someone has a different opinion#and they want all their followers to bandwagon off of them (idk why maybe for validation or whatever-same reasons anyone would bully)#but seriously if u actually do think that something i said was out of line and crossed thise boundaries- just fucking tell me ?#im a person bro. ur solution to disagreeing with me shouldnt be 'lol im gonna post abt this and make everyone harass them'#have a conversation with me dude i dont bite ? if u cant talk to me like a person then just dont fucking say anything wtf#its so cowardly to be like 'well no i didnt wanna say anything to u cuz i didnt wanna be rude.. so instead i publicly made fun of u!'#LIKE WHATTTT STOPPPPP </3333#ok anyway this post wasnt supposed to get THAT serious.#MY POINT IS just be considerate of other people and dont base ur hatred off of assumptions#ur deflecting the blame onto someone else because u dont want to admit that ur just a fucking bully lol#being inconsiderate on here is something ive also been guilty of back when i first joined the fandom and was clueless#but grown ass adults who have been on here way longer r still doing that shit which is crazy#and i cant say anything because they have so much leverage over me and idk if its on purpose or if they dont even realize#ok im putting fandom tags cuz i want people to see this sorry. this is my one post thats actually targetted but its at a lot of people#so if u look at this and think 'hey i do that' pls evaluate urself<3#i mean its also targetted at everyone who does this anonomously so i dont know who it is OKOK IM DONE BYE SORRY HOPE THIS IS UNDERSTANDABLE#watch nobody read this fr#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#meows post
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#ok im making one more dot post and then i am (hopefully) getting off tumblr and going to bed#liam payne#death#i do suggest not reading tbh because its just gonna be waffle. anyways#ive distanced myself from the boys for years for a multitude of reasons. mainly that they did things that disappointed me and i realised the#way i was attatched to them was unhealthy. so for the most part i listened and enjoyed the music and didnt pay Much attention to anything#else. and like liam. i always liked him in the band days because to me he was the underdog. the underappreciated and probs less stanned one#out of all of them. and when youre a fan i do feel like a lot of us just wanted them all to be appreciated. idk. but anyways yeah i did feel#for him. due to him backgroud growing up. his talent. etc etc. even though he wasnt my fav. and even when he did something wrong my teenage#self still defended him like my life depended on it. (embarassing) anyways. his solo music while it was not my fav i still occasionally#enjoyed. its just over produced pop like it was fine and i found it fun. in terms of him as an actual person by this point in his career i#didnt pay attention to him or the others that much anymore#and like. yeah as of recently as more stuff came out about him being kinda weird and rude and abusive 🙃🙃🙃 that was kind of the final#straw for me! like in terms of me giving a fuck about him. if he eventually came around cool but i wasnt gonna wait around for it.#god this whole thing feels so dramatic but i need to get it oit or i Know i will not be at peace lmao anyways#so yeah come to hearing about his death which. i hear about because of trin lovell on twitter like. shsvshs. anyways my reaction was#disbelief and just... nothing? like i said in my brain i had just disregarded him honestly. and even now i still just feel speechless.#to summarise my feelings. fuck him for how he treated his ex and probably other women as well. but also. he was my boy. he'll always be a#part of me. and it feels weird that hes just. gone. he suffered a lot with addiction and pressures etc and its just. sad that hes gone now.#that he never got to get better. and he wont get the chance to. im sad for his family. and anyone else thats gonna be affected by this#im always gonna remember him.#and thats all i have to say. honestly part of me feels SO dramatic for even typing all this out but here we are.#if anyone has read this far and wants someone to talk to im more than happy. and also just wanna make clear that i am fine#le text post
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i can almost guarantee ive said it before but. he would thrive in a zero escape game
#an octopath ze au would be kinda fun actually.. especially the octo2 party#would love to see these guys in an escape room . it would be so awful#temenos would fit in perfectly and might even make a good mc given his 'truth lies in the flame' segments..#i could see partitio doing well bc of his creativity and general demeanor#osvald is great at math but idk how trusting hed be of everyone in this situation.. especially if they assume zero is one of them early on#throné . girlie im so sorry#i think shed do fine for the most part (hard to say how much her thieving skills would be of help here) but she did not deserve this </3#do not let ochette into any pantry or food storage room. i dont trust any of that food#i wonder if shed have her partner(s) here tho.. how do u handle an owl and/or jackal in this situation..#she would be great for morale tho#same for agnea tho i worry for her emotional state a lil bit . help her#who am i missing .. CASTTI#shes good at managing stress (both hers and others) in awful situations . thank god#and shes there if anyone gets hurt 👍#not that its likely outside of bad end situations ? tho i may be thinking of the 999 map too much..#would it be more fun to use that as the setting or something else altogether.. more modern or more like octopath 2..#how the fuck would someone even make an escape room in . what is it like the industrial revolution. steam era#would it make sense to be able to use magic in universe to pull off something similar..#the canonicity of some ingame mechanics is dubious so its hard to tell how malleable magics uses and effects are..#itd probably be easier to place everyone in a modern setting but i have no idea what some of them would be that way#.. modern fantasy setting ??????#what if they had smartphones in octopath. would that be fucked up or what#also who the hell would be zero . would anyone be in kahoots w zero.. or at least Know Things but be unable to say smth abt it#i straight up forgot to mention hikari earlier but hes prolly like. fine#his intrusive thpughts would probably Suck Bad here but hed want everyone to get out alive as much as everyone else combined#wait who would even be the 9th person. would it be zero. but who..#if it were octo1 id say kit but its harder to get a good octo2 equivalent of him.. hm..#oh god im out of tags . tho what would the game style be like.. nonary game ab game etc etc.. what would be unique but fitting..#am i gonna look into actual scientific theories for this . and how would the morphogenetic field come into play.. and Why..#octotag
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I love being the always single person in my family, mad respect to my sister for constantly dating guys for the last 8 years, I would have shot myself
#whenever my mom asks if i have love news of my own while we're talking about my sister's newest catch and i say no#i hope she doesn't feel pity because like. this is the life that i choose. my sister's ex boyfriends were enough for ME even#and i only met a handful of them personally but heard more than enough shit about them#i just always think i'm only flirting with some guys only to never talk to them again or ghost them because it's fun#fat girl who's always been seen as ugly by other people gets to flirt with good looking people is the ultimate ego boost arc#if i ever date anyone seriously again it better be true love and end in kids and marriage until death or i'll live as a hermit#until that happens tho...... life is a party i don't wanna miss a thing break some men's heart get revenge yolo etc etc#also the thought of actively dating freaks me out. if i meet someone and we tolerate each other long term that's good#but dating apps or going on dates with several people and deciding who's the best like on the bachelorette?? death first#plus i lowkey don't like men as a concept. at least the type i've dated. i guess you could say my last ex traumatized me hahaha 👍🏻 (🔨����)#i think i'm too young to be in a committed relationship anyway. or even to seek getting into one. there are much more important things rn#i know former classmates my age are having kids or getting married but idgaf the one who got engaged last year has been with him for 7 year#which is a decent time tbh you change quite a bit during that time and if it feels right why not#but i can't wrap my head around searching for a relationship when you don't even have a stable job and know what else you want in life#rambling again sorryyyy but yeah proud single here and i'm not saying this out of spite because i genuinely enjoy it#all relationships i've been in were so draining (tbf they were long distance too) and got me at rock bottom and had me filled with regret#also these men can be so controlling and jealous when you just wanna go out with friends while they do whatever they want too#but when you say you don't want a jealous partner they think that's a free pass for them to cheat like what the actual fuck#do you see the difference between being unnecessarily jealous when you hang out with friends and being rightfully jealous when they cheat??#at this point idk what to say. i'm very entertained by my friends' dating journeys but that couldn't be me#all the gossip i provide for them is which people i flirted with for the ego and who i ghosted and who ghosted me#mel talks
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Hug
*Hug*
#it’s really easy to dismiss why I’m upset and tell myself it’s silly and stupid but#so I went to a party with ⚡️ and 🔮 (hosted at ⚡️’s house) everyone was drinking I was the only sober one#but hearing ⚡️ and 🔮 talk about all these dates they go on trying to hook up with all these people missing people they have crushes on etc.#like what to me is huge and soul crushing and life changing to them is just. a fling or something.#I spent MONTHS in a state of suicidal ideation self harming wondering if I should commit myself over how things went with 🔮#to hear her talk about during those months she was out going on other dates trying to hook up with other people etc.#what was just another date in a long line of dates and people to her was something equal to a breakup to me#and that hurts? and it’s okay that that hurts? it’s okay that I’m upset by that?#because dating is NOT that casual for me#those two dates I went on with her were the first dates I had been on since 2021#and now I can’t even think about being with anyone else besides those two#I’m realizing just how much it hurts me that I’m someone in a long line of random dates/cheap thrills/short lived relationships#because to me they are… well shit man look how much I talk about them on here.#I don’t know if they are FPs but they’re like. Serious interests at least.#they’re who I’m comparing everyone I talk to to#I know that I’m not going to be able to really entertain the idea of flirting seriously with anyone else because I am hooked on them#and one doesn’t know and the other doesn’t care#and I don’t know what to do about it#I told 🔮 if I had a way to move on I would. does she think this is fun for me? that I’m having a good time?#that I love feeling like I want to kill myself over her? because this isn’t fucking fun for me!#THIS FUCKING SUCKS!#*sigh*#idk what else to say#punk gets mail
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the actually worst part of doing things alone is getting other people to not want to go with you
#bc it’s normal to ask someone to accompany you but telling someone you want to do sth alone tends to be viewed as rude#esp when the other person doesn’t get going places alone#but i looove doing that it’s sooooo fun#like i literally lied to someone today that i was going to the doctor even though i went to see a museum exhibit#bc i was worried she’d want to join me and i wanted to just sit there with headphones on and wander around#btw how do i get a relationship to die off naturally if the other person doesn’t seem to want it to end#like even the 2 hours we spent together today were a little exhausting and she’s been annoying me this entire past semester#nothing happened either ig i just don’t care as much abt this as her plus listening to her sometimes makes me want to go crazy#like yeah i’m sorry the guy you like told you he was busy and then went to see someone else#but also. this has been going on for so long he clearly doesn’t want to see you that much#but i don’t want to tell her that like it’s be kind of cruel but i just. find that such a strange situation#maybe it’s bc i’ve never had a crush on anyone or maybe bc i don’t care to pursue relationships when they aren’t just developing#on their own but like. girl how do you live like this#and listening to her complain that she doesn’t have classes this semester like ok?? then find some to go to???#📓#idk i don’t want to be an asshole but she’s so tiring
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#so theres this terrible thing i do where i force myself to get up way too early and go into the lab before anyone else#bc i get overwhelmed when lots of ppl r around. its terrible bc if u do that over and over it kinda breaks ur brain#but there is something i like abt walking around while its still dark out and on ones on thr roads looking up at the stars and theyre all#haloed here bc theres actually moisture in thr air here. i feel. idk how i feel. more normal i guess. like neutral but in a negative way.#like i dont really care about anything. probably im just tired. i haven't been sleeping well. maybe its the birth control#which im still taking bc im too curious abt how my mood fluctuates when my hormones r controlled. or maybe its my mood. but ive been tired#and ive not been having fun. i just feel like im very no thoughts empty head. here's info do u have anything to say abt it? any observations#? no. no. cant read cant think cant talk in a way that makes may sense. what do we do abt it? i dunno. i dunno.#sleep maybe. stop taking the birth control maybe. talk to my councilor monday definitely. give her an insane rant abt how im definitely not#bipolar lol i think ive got a point. but i go back and forth idk. it doesn't really matter. i just find it interesting#sigh. remember when i had time to draw? remember when i wanted to draw? now im just tired#whatever. ill sleep and feel better. get my executives to function maybe. maybe. but probably not#i did cut off like 3 inches of hair on impulse. got that chin length depression haircut. classic#unrelated
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do you ever just
#I’m kind of dying a little but it’s cool#I had an appointment with a psychiatrist today and I feel like I’m kind of regretting it 😖#I went in mostly concerned about my autism and adhd and prepared to talk about/deal with those#but then she ended up prescribing me lexapro for my anxiety#so I went and did a bunch of research on that but I’m kind of terrified of taking it#because it seems like a lot of people get nasty side effects especially at first#and like having anxiety isn’t fun but I can push through that even if I’m an anxious wreck about some things#but like my autism and adhd affect my life a lot more#like being totally overstimulated in public or not being able to hold my focus at all are a lot bigger deal to me#and I’m horrible at communicating with people especially in real time rather than over email or whatever#so I didn’t really properly get across my concerns and just sort of let her prescribe what she wanted#idk now I’m having doubts and I’ve never really taken meds before beyond otc stuff or like the odd strep prescription when I was younger#especially nothing that messes with your brain like this one does#plus I just really don’t do well with not feeling well or not feeling like myself so that kind of freaks me out#and I really should be sleeping rn but I just need to get this stuff off my chest I guess#it’s like things weren’t totally fine the way they were but they were *fine* you know#not changing things is just easier I guess#I just like to be prepared and researched and this psychiatrist took me off guard#I just don’t know what to do now#if anyone’s read this far- has anyone else with audhd taken lexapro for anxiety?#did it go okay?#im kind of scared of it now#😮💨 okay I really need to go to sleep now#anxiety#autism#Adhd#actually autistic#Vent post#i guess? It was really just in the tags
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next drawing i post will expose how genuinely insanely obsessive my hyperfixation runs. and i think i may have the Autistic Rizz
#i#... im uncertain but i thiiink my friends bf was flirting withme idk if it was intentional or not T_T#the only reason i care is bc i would find it kind of flattering LOL i dont think ive had a dude have a crush on me gaystyle outside of my#husband#i am so certain the friend wouldnt care if he was LMAO she knows im not easily genuinely attracted to anyone like that other than my wuver#<3 <3#bro was handing me the ash tray and joint (necessary context. it had wax in it so it was very strong. we are all stoners however#so its not like we DIED but it was strong as hell) and i grabbed them from him and his hands lingered ... and he was like staring at me LOL#THEN. he says he acts distincly homosexual while inebriated. which there is ample evidence of with others and there was another dude#there. but then! im doodling my Crazy Page (its l@ios. over and over. and over. in varying levels of detail) and he like asks if im doing i#for fun or for class or smth and 1. i am embarrassed of my hyperfixation and 2. i say no its for me and he complimented it! which was nice#people dont spontaneously compliment my art anymore which is fine i assume they dont want to seem nosy#and honestly........ it was embarrassing happenning again so i can see why people dont...#anyways. i dont know what to make of this. lmaooo#hopefully we can hang out 2 on 2 with my husband soon so i can get a gauge on his behavior#its an interesting development if im reading the situation correctly. and i need to see if he behaves homosexually with my husband.#oh also its like#distinctly validating if someone else is attracted to me as a fellow Dude rather than One of an/the Other Gender
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#I think I’m lonely in a way I can’t fully describe#I have a partner and friends and family but still often feel alone even when I’m with them#I don’t feel close to anyone at times and I don’t know if it’s outside circumstances or just me#like with my partner being asexual we don’t really do certain activities that I’d like to partake in more often and I can’t hold it against#them for how they do/don’t feel but at the same time I’m craving a physical connection I can’t have and am struggling#doesn’t help that I think about sex all the time nowadays and would really like to be having it and experiencing/exploring certain things#it’s not always easy to take care of oneself that way and still also try to console the ace partner apologizing for who they are#and yeah hall passes are great but only if you have someone to use it on and I’ve never had anyone want to be with me sexually#moving on to bestie I don’t feel my same love and affection being reciprocated and that sucks because I really do anything I can for him#and am like that with pretty much all of mt friends where if they need me for something I’ll be there#but a lot of the time it seems like he really only wants to talk/hang out with me if he’s at work and I can come visit with him#any time I invite him to do something with me outside of work he flakes and so it’s not even worth inviting him anymore#and yeah there’s rare times where he’ll call me a bunch in one day but it’s always just to tell me some gossip from work#not that gossip isn’t fun but still don’t you want to jus talk to me? I always want to just talk to you even if it’s about nothing at all#I’m always the one putting myself out there for him and being there for him when he calls me but I almost never get that same response back#and it’s like I know he has a family so I know he can’t always drop everything for me nor would I ever expect that but just some matching of#my energy would be nice you know? but then I feel guilty/selfish because I feel like I shouldn’t ask that of him when he does have a life#away from work. and I mean I guess I do too but it’s different because partner and I don’t have kids and don’t do much aside from sit around#together or have tea or other things most often done at home. and I don’t live with partner full time yet so I also still have other freedom#outside of just being with them. and other responsibilities I take care of but not on the same level as a wife and kids I guess#idk now I just feel like I’m whining but tbh all this stuff is weighing on me and just making me feel really shitty#I don’t know how to fix these issues without sounding like a selfish bitch and I’m obviously not going to cut anyone off but I don’t really#see any other solutions forming either. so it’s like I guess I’ll just keep my mouth shut and keep feeling bad until the end of time since#that’s the easiest thing to do and then no one else is hurt or upset aside from me#I just feel like I’m destined to float through life never getting back what I need from my relationships but still giving everything because#I don’t know any other way to be. I don’t know how to set boundaries even for myself so I’ll just keep giving and giving until I’m dead#and yeah I guess I am still a lot happier than I used to be and I appreciate the people in my life#just sometimes feels like they don’t really appreciate me back is all#so now I have to lay here next to partner and have all this shit running in my mind and try to get over it on my own#reasonably I should just go to bed but the loneliness is gnawing at me and idk what to do to make it go away
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#tag talk#all this turmoil is definitely related to me being unable to get one of my psych meds refilled#and yeah I probably should have gotten on top of that instead of letting myself run out#but my psychiatrist hasn't messaged me back and instead of messaging anyone else I've just accepted my fate#which is characteristic I guess. I lack agency. lack self advocacy.#I can't get my meds so I just resign myself to the worst two weeks I've had in a while as my body quits it suddenly.#and it's been rough. hella stomach issues. struggling with appetite. difficulty stomaching any food I do eat.#and I've been me for a while now. R is gone and I can't find her. she's hella checked out and I just have to wait for her to come back.#I tried reaching her this morning and I can't find her. the stomach issues and the constant headaches and just pain in general drove her of#I guess. so I've been on my own which is weird. even when I'm running things she's usually still backseat gaming#but I'm alone in my head and it's kinda lonely. I miss her. I want things to level back out so she comes back.#she's the one with the drive. the motivation. the laughter and fun. I'm just dour and stoic and I miss her#I don't want to go back on the psych meds. I don't want to risk this kind of thing again#I want to learn to handle my mood swings on my own. want to learn to deal with it myself instead of having this chemical risk#because these last two weeks have genuinely been hell and I don't want to ever risk this again. so no meds again#I'm still on the antidepressants and I want to stay on those. but not the mood meds. too much of a risk#idk. my head isn't clear right now so maybe I'll decide to go back on them. maybe R will put us back on them when she's back#we'll find out I guess
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I've been thinking about crocheting a slice of bread (because of Younghoon)- for a few weeks now- the thing holding me back was finishing a mini sweater for my mom's plushie- I did not want to finish that thing at all- (It only needed 6 more stitches and two 12 chains on either side)... The want to have a bread plushie for yh was so strong that I finished those stitches- and two days later- (after watching love revolution) In 3 hrs- I made 'Bbangie'! The bread loaf of my crochet dreams~ (It was actually really easy- I just kept getting distracted by tbz) And if anyone wishes to know the pattern/see Bbangie lmk-
#idk what to tag this#kate rambles#kate crafts#kate will ramble in the tags about 'bbangie'#i couldn't get the cute little plushies they sold from a kpop store so i've resorted to making my own... not that i haven't before but man#gotta do everything around here... jk ofc- but i wish merch was more available on cute things#anyways the free yarn my friend gave me came in handy today- (i got bunches of colors from her) i was just gonna cut up my#ombre light brown-black yarn when i realized she had give me tan and golden brown~ thanks mutt!#the piece of 'bread' isn't perfect yet- but i don't really care about the imperfections unless i'm making it for someone else- so i'll#prolly never fix them- it'll just be my emotional support piece of bread when i watch yh from now on-#it's 'two slices of bread' and then attached by single crochet then flipped right side out= to make a pretty edge like a bread loaf#i talked about it on ig but i wanted to talk about it on here in depth because i just love the little thing-#i didn't put any stuffing into it because i didn't want it to suck to clean later- and also it feels more like 'bread' w/o stuffing anyway#is bbangie it's actual name- no- i just don't know what to spell it the way i pronounce it for fun- buh-bbangie is what i call it-#it has no eyes cause that seems like a psychological nightmare- no mouth to scream but all eyes to see yknow? so alas it's just bread#i raised it from a string#also i originally saw someone crochet a sandwich bag- and i was like omg- i could make a mini bread plushie for yh- and it took me til now#to do so- but i'm so happy i did tbh#if anyone wants to see the little guy on here lmk
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