#idk if i'm not writing about them sleeping is it even sunday night

[idioticbat]

Idk how to write this, but I got caught in the south Brazil floods. My partner and I have been homeless since last Saturday, we've stayed until this Thursday at a shelter, but things were getting worse and worse, and my partner's company paid a hotel stay in another town till the next week or two.

Thursday/Friday on the week before the last (may 2nd and 3rd) we were housing two friends, who were already homeless due to the flood which had just started. They're also both trans and have no family to support them.

Friday morning the power went out and our friends left for a shelter. In the evening, my partner and i went for a walk to check how bad things were, and it was already flooding a mere 3 and a half blocks from our house. On the time it took for us to walk across that block, the water was already covering our feet.

We rushed back home and the street in front of where we live was starting to get covered in water. We carried everything we could to the attic, mostly my art stuff, computer, etc. We originally planned to stay home and survive a couple days until it got better. I barely slept that night because I knew the water was coming, so my brain was on maximum alert. I woke up after 3 hours of sleep, from a dream that I was trying to escape the flood.

When I woke up, we organized a bit more and ate lunch for breakfast. On the time it took for us to eat, the water was already at our doorstep, and we rushed to pack. I had a panic attack as the water rushed into our house, and a police officer rescued us and carried our bags inside a barrel. I only got a few clothes, medication for two weeks, basic hygiene stuff, plushies and some food. My partner got clothes and their laptop. I regret not picking my computer.

We had to swim and waddle through 1.60m+ (5'3") deep water for two blocks. On some places it was probably close to 2m. It felt like an eternity passed while we found our way through the cold water. Some neighbours who were also helping us recommended us a place for shelter. After we crossed a bridge, some person gave us a ride, so at least we didn't have to walk 3km to the shelter.

We got there really early on Saturday, the university which was one of the places being used as a shelter had just opened, so we were able to shower and eat. They also gave us new clothes. As it got more packed, we got help from volunteer psychologists, who gave us a separate room in another floor, since both my partner and I have autism.

I had more panic attacks but we got some help from other volunteers. Things were otherwise fine throughout Sunday and Monday, we managed to shower once more. Stuff started getting worse on Tuesday, as the place went from sheltering some 100-200 people to around 700. We were seeing the psychologists only once a day for a couple minutes and food started getting delayed for hours. Water was also scarce and we started having power outages.

Wednesday we were without food til 4pm, and since we also had pretty much lost access to the psychologists, we accepted the offer from my partner's company to take us to a hotel in another town. Thursday we left for the hotel, I showered for the first time since in four days, had lunch and finally changed my patreon password so I can post from my phone, as I do pretty much everything from my computer. Yesterday and today (friday/saturday, one week later), i finally managed to have computer access on my partner's laptop and log in to tumblr, cohost and so on.

I'm still not sure what we'll do about the future. Our place was rented and all the furniture that belonged to the house will be lost. Our landlord lives in another country and it's almost impossible to contact her. The kitchen and laundry appliances are still underwater and I guess we'll lose all of these. We can't afford to renew a house that isn't ours, and buy new appliances on top of that. We have nowhere to go that's nearby after this is over, no family, and our few friends are worse off. I'm not even sure I'll be able to recover my computer since the roof on the attic is leaky, and there'll be even more rain this weekend.

I feel absolutely crushed inside. Some people have tried to get me art supplies and I did draw a bit on a whiteboard in the classroom we were staying at in the shelter, but it's not the same thing. I can't feel any kind of inspiration knowing I might be completely homeless in two weeks, knowing the only two friends we have here might also be homeless, knowing I might have lost more than 15 years of art and music that were on my computer, that I might have lost thousands of physical drawings and so on. But I'm just trying my best to not think about any of that, so I just feel numb, occasionally I cry and feel anxious. My partner has also been trying to cheer me up since we got to the hotel, but i still feel pretty terrible. I haven't slept more than 5 hours straight in some 10 days. A lot of the time I dissociate and everything feels surreal.

I'll leave my ko-fi here in case anyone wants to donate. I also want to help our two friends with at least 100usd if possible, since they're even more vulnerable than my partner and I. If you have me on discord, please dm me instead and I'll give you my paypal address.

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! You said that you need another vacation after this vacation, so I am not sure, how puppy situation, even if it partual custudy, affecting you ( may be you in panic when he is there and then recovering when he is not, and then round and round? ), but really, If you need another vacation, I hope you know we will be here to support you for it!

It's been nearly 4 weeks now since we got Toby so I feel like I can talk about this with a bit of a clear head.

(Talk of like an actual PTSD meltdown beneath the read-more, including self-harm mention - nothing graphic. There's zero obligation for anyone to read this, especially for folks who don't think authors should ever be honest about being people with issues):

So, I've been kind of quiet about aspects of this, but I have like severe treatment-resistant PTSD and C-PTSD, and puppies specifically are one of my triggers (especially if I'm responsible for them). The reason for that is kind of awful, and I don't really want to talk about some of the things I've experienced/been through that led to that, so let's just move onto the next part. You're kind of right anon, there has been panic while he is here lol.

As a result, I had a severe meltdown the first time I tried to adopt a dog many years ago now. Could not last 24 hours, needed weeks/months to recover.

But I've always wanted to share my life with a dog and I've been in a somewhat better space over the past year or so, and I thought I could maybe handle it better. I told myself 'if I can just get through that 24 hours I'll realise it's okay and it will all work out.' Anon I cannot tell you where this thinking came from, but it was wrong. Idk why past me was kind of naive enough to think this way but here we are.

No, after that 24 hours, it got temporarily better, and then I slammed into consecutive meltdowns, each one worse than the next, until the people around me were afraid for my life. I am still recovering from some of the harm I inflicted on myself during the last three weeks and likely will be for some time to come. The combination of a really intense PTSD relapse, as well as not being able to handle (as an AuDHD person) intense changes to my schedule basically compounded and I broke.

I made the decision to rehome Toby, and first contacted the people around me. Glen's mum said she wanted a dog, and had been specifically looking into dogs like Toby anyway, and so we decided this would be best because then I could still be involved (I love Toby to pieces).

After getting some space, I finally started to adjust, and have gone back to having Toby about 4~ days a week, with a view to going to about 6 days, with one day spent with my mum, or Glen's mum.

Today is the first day I was able to handle having him on my own for around 9.5 hours. And I'm here and able to write about it, so that's progress. He'll be here all day Sunday, and then Tues-Weds-Thurs-Friday. And from there a decision will be made as to where I'm at with my mental health etc.

I'm a bit more hopeful now that I might be able to keep him, but my PTSD is still very very bad. I'm having some nights where I'm simply not sleeping until 7.30am (even if he's not here), and my hypervigilance is crazy. Like, I am having so many auditory flashbacks it's stupid. So this is why I've been saying this break hasn't been very restful or productive. Because my mental health tanked like I detonated a landmine inside myself.

I didn't actually plan the two week break for Toby! That was just a coincidence honestly.

Unfortunately I have a lot of health conditions that respond very poorly to stress, so I'm dealing with those now too. And then additionally, in all of this, I had a breast scan / mammogram / ultrasound that has confirmed a suspicious lump I found a couple of months ago (breast cancer runs in the family), and I suspect I'm going to need a biopsy. I'll find out on Monday if that's the case. That's been in the background and hasn't been helping.

There's some other stuff going on that's not really worth talking about because these are the main things, but that's a good picture I think. It turns out 'just getting through the first 24 hours' doesn't magically make a severe PTSD trigger go away. And that forced exposure is not 'exposure therapy' - that's just reinforcing a trigger.

Anyway! I feel like I'm through the worst of it, and I am seeing glimpses of how my life could be richer if I keep getting through this. But...that's why I think another break. *smiles tiredly.* I have to wait a bit now for the PTSD / C-PTSD symptoms to settle down, and I also need to see what's kind of worsened after this. Realistically, with a relapse to this degree, it could take between 3-6 months to really start recovering, or to at least get back to where I was before December.

I hope with all my heart I can get there with Toby by my side. I love him so much.

(I want to add that Toby has never ever been in a position of harm at any point, and in fact I probably put myself in harm's way for his sake, because I wanted to provide solid continuity of care - in case anyone was worried about that).

Er so yeah! But I've picked up my writing again this week and have been able to do some like...things I'd been neglecting, and I feel more human again, I just hope I get some sleep tonight

[theflyingfeeling]

give up before you suffocate (literally) ✌️

tried to get a doctor's/nurse's apppointment for my throat because it's been aching since Sunday and I haven't been able to speak properly since Wednesday and I can't sleep at night because the pain is unbearable and NOTHING HELPS but the nurse I was talking with online said 'nah just try this painkiller mix and some disinfective tablets and warm honey water' (okay fair enough I haven't tried that) but I don't have those exact painkillers at home and the tablets I've been using haven't done shit so I'd have to go to pharmacy but I'm scared because when I tried to do that earlier today I ended up having to turning back home (the pharmacy is like 50 m from where I live) because I got a terrible coughing fit that brought tears to my eyes and sometimes these coughing fits even alert my gag reflex which kind sucks you know because it's as if I'm about to throw up but nothing actually comes out 💀 but I also can't order the stuff from the online pharmacy that offers consulting online because I've already ordered from them yesterday and today (when my trip to the pharmacy failed) and I'm just too embarrassed to order from them AGAIN?? 😭🙈 (yes this is a problem shut up)

so yeah, when BC said give up before you suffocate I took that personally because lol everytime I try to speak (just to see if I'm able to yet), every other syllable is just wheezing while every other syllable is completely soundless, and I can only speak until I either run out of breath or get a coughing fit, so even if I made it to the pharmacy alive, I'd have to either write down what I need or idk fucking pantomime it I guess 😑 the throat situation is even worse because during the day it doesn't bother me that much because I don't pay attention to it (I can feel the most pain when I swallow) so I THINK it's getting better, but then the night comes and I go to bed and have too much time to focus on the way and how often I swallow and how much more it hurts every time and 😩😩😩😩😩

at least I don't have fever anymore and my leggies haven't been achy since Wednesday, but I've got a runny nose, which is honestly the LEAST of my worries right now, although my right ear being completely blocked because of it is a bit of a bummer (btw is it normal to hear your own pulse in your ear? been too scared to google this ahaha if it's something serious pls don't tell me I want to go swiftly)

welp, since I can't do anything useful like prepare for my upcoming new job (🙃) or write my fic (😭), I'm gonna project the remains of my sanity on rant posts like this I guess lol I hope you enjoyed I'm off to die on my way to the pharmacy now 💅

[silkmothh]

Servitude journal: unmasking

Recovery is miserable. I've started showering standing up again, started cooking simple meals. Back on track with my daily meds, I even got Sirs medicine together this morning too ^_^ I've got my points back in the positive but I'm still struggling with remembering to check off my tasks after I've done them. Sir has been letting me... idk stack them? Checking the same task multiple times to cover the times I forgot.

I'm on my new work schedule, so I've been able to sleep a lot more, and I think that's helping. Saturday we went to my work picnic and although I got lots of little treats and some catering, we only stayed for about an hour. The 'feels like' was 97 degrees with 68% humidity, so even inside the shelter under the fans it was soooooo hot and I just couldn't handle the heat, the 200 coworks, another 3 dozen Randoms also at the park, the music, the bugs, the games UGH I had to leave

That night, I tried to unmask, but it's really hard at the end of the day. Sunday was easier, I just didn't put the mask ON lol. There's not much to talk about with not masking.

I got to talk in my normal, deadpan, voice.

I snacked most of the day instead of trying to make meals, I don't get food noise or hunger signals often, so healthy snacking throughout the day is encouraged.

I wore safe clothessssss

Played video games by myself and was not embarrassed!

Did the shower standing up! Vs sitting on a bath chair to wash my hair.

Showed Sir my new pokemon game and told him all about my team

Sir also took me clothes shopping bc I needed new work slacks and the house needed some odds and ends picked up, but my shirts haven't come in yet :/

Sir and I even played a little bit (a lot a bit) where I degraded myself to earn my orgasm, which I did ^_^ tbh I don't think he would have denied it and risked the spiral.

Not masking seemed to help a lot with my mental energy, although I'm still physically drained. As I'm writing this I have a slight stress headache but I'm closing so I haven't had to deal with a lot of people.

(VENT) And it's crazy how easy working is when your coworkers aren't a bumbling idiot and a miserable sack of shit, who never did any work or try to help any client with ANYTHING and the headaches are sparce bc that sack of shit isn't vaping in our shared office and the idiot isn't arguing with her adult children on the desk phone 🙃

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

slides into your inbox

hi i uh. drank a sinister potion (dr. pepper) on the way to school this morning and the problem with perfection filled my head for the fiftieth time so. i'm here now. soooo uh, warning for a very crazy caffeine induced audhd rant. 👍

i just like.... kinda wanna let u know how much this fic means to me. like fr. like seriously. it means a lot to me. we've been mutuals for a while so i feel like now's def a good time (and a long time coming lmao)

iirc i found ur fic when i was in the danganronpa trenches in like, 2021/2022 i think? it was summer and i had nothing better to do with my free time and i was super bored and ishimondo was my personality and i found it while going thru ao3 and was like "yeah. this sounds cool"

and i did NOT know what i was getting into let me tell you. adored the writing really fast. ur skill level actually blew me the fuck away like. instantly. all the characters were incredibly in character, everything was so detailed and i LOVED the fact that you made your writing very emotion driven. like you wrote a lot with like, exaggerated punctuation and pauses and spaces and stuff that i rarely ever see but i feel like your writing was like, so much better for that??? its something i've started to use in my writing because it just draws you in so much and just. puts you into their shoes almost instantly. like it sounds like you're in their head. like i think like that (got that narrator brain in me) and it was just so cool to see someone write like that. got a lot of good moments

and i honest to god binged that fic because it had me by a chokehold. like i'm talking i barely got sleep because i was so excited to read the next chapter the next day that my body would wake me up earlier. and i'd pull it out and binge the next chapter. and when i got to a point where the chapters where still being updated, i remember checking like. every sunday night or so every week to see if it got updated. so many cliffhangers that i was not normal about..........

and i recommended it to EVERYONE i knew that was into danganronpa. like i did not care if they usually read fanfiction or not i would sit there and go on infodump rants about this gay fanfiction i found on the gay fanfiction site and ik i confused them but like. that was how good it was to me. felt like it was a real book. and not only that i honest to god felt like i was reading about me.

like the way you wrote taka meant and continues to mean so much to me to this fucking day because i rarely ever see characters that are like me, at least in an honest to god way. and i was already connected to taka and loved him but i think you made him feel like an extension of me in a way and it just like. idk. it spoke to me man. ik i sound dramatic but it did.

like an autistic queer kid with a strict parent being thrown into so many situations where you just automatically assume everyone else is watching you, judging you, based on past trauma and experiences and just. at the same time so emotional and passionate and just genuine for lack of a better term. and the panic attacks that were written i actually almost had some during reading it because i felt it. that felt like me honest to god (not a bad thing btw!!! i am ok!! but that's a compliment because that's how accurate it was!!)

and during a time where i was dating people who just. idk its hard to explain. i knew they cared about me but there were so many times where there were disconnects. sexuality and gender (gender's not really a part of the story ik but yk what i mean) was a big one. and i felt how he would feel when mondo wasn't exactly the best when it came to his behaviors and expressions of love.

and now i'm with someone who is like. mondo at all his best moments. and even when he matches mondo's lower ones it feels like, there's more times where we can do what they did in the fic and work through it. be there for each other because even if we're both fucked up yk we can like. work through it. and that's so cool honestly?? its not transactional, it means something. i've felt both sides and it's so. crazy to me. it's just wild.

and while i didn't read a lot of it (mental health was NOT in a space where i could i'm gonna be so real) the other installment, the one where mondo comes over to taka's house and they gotta hide and stuff? i've felt that. god i've felt that. my current boyfriend (also a trans man) and i have had so many times where we've had to act as "friends" and hide our romantic gestures and being so deathly afraid of getting caught yk?

idk this fic made me feel seen, and i wonder if there's like... anyone else that feels that way. idk i feel like their definitely is. and i just kinda wanna like. thank you for writing something that just. made me feel heard in a time when i really really needed it. even if we didn't know each other it felt so wild to have a stranger sit there and give me and indirect hug and let me know that i am not the only guy struggling out there with this stuff. it's changed the way i view myself and how i view the world and it's so cool to me that even fanfiction of all things can do that. that's nuts man. you did that and i really wanna emphasize that you should be proud of that. that's so cool. you're writing is so fucking cool man.

and also another thing i. love. that you also wrote about sex being a form of like. expressing love for some people. i am demisexual so like. seeing a character that seemed to also exhibit that and really only feel and have that strong attraction to someone they love romantically and have a connection with, and do it to let the other person know they love them. it's like. that's cool. that's so cool. i'm shaking you that's so cool /pos

and while i'm not fixated on dr right now (as you can. probably tell. (btw obligatory "watch lego monkie kid but also you do not have to i just wanna let you know its cool" plug because of Tha Autism(tm)), and while my comic i was going to make is on a very long hiatus bc adhd is beating the shit out of me, i really want you to know how much i appreciate this fic and how much it just. lives in my brain. how much it makes me emotional to this day because it spoke to me; some random dude who was just getting out of high school who fucking needed that really really bad. and also i want you to know how excited i was when we become mutuals and i'm really really lucky to have someone so cool as my mutual, and you've become even cooler in my brain now that we're kinda yk. in a vaguely similar circle.

anyways i appreciate you so much!!!! and even if we're in different fandoms and stuff, and even if tpwp is also not being continued/on a hiatus i still appreciate what you did with it, and what you do now. don't understand all the fandoms you post but i got that respect for it. i'm in the corner with pom poms cheering u on.

so um. yeah! that was long. but i'm hyped up on caffeine and neurodivergent so ujhm. yea. hopefully this made sense lmao

~ your very much not normal mutual tyler 👍

Okay, sorry for the late response, I saw this when I got up this morning and needed the day to figure how to respond because this was. So much (in a good way I promise!!!!)

So, first of all, THANK YOU FOR THIS!! It's easy as a fic writer to feel discouraged with your writing, or to feel like you're not as "good" as other people, and it's things like this that remind me that whether or not I'm a "good writer," what I write does matter to people. And that's just... really special to me, so thank you for writing this all. It means so much to me.

I'm glad you like the dramatic pauses and the way I write, though! When I was younger, I always tried to limit doing that sort of thing, since I knew it wasn't considered "good" or "proper" writing. But with TPWP I just... decided to let myself write how I wanted to write and not think too much about it. I wrote TPWP kind of how I think, because I wanted it to feel like it was Taka's thoughts and emotions, even if it wasn't in first person. And I'm really glad that came across!

I've always been really big into psychology and introspection, which is one of the main reasons I write about things like that a lot. I like to get into characters heads and try to figure them out. See what they'd be like if this thing happened, or if this thing hadn't happened, etc. I write about struggles, because I struggled as a kid, but in more quiet ways. I mean, all things considered I had a good life. supportive, loving parents and older brother, good grades, people generally liked me and I never got in trouble. But I was so determined to do well that I psyched myself out. I was terrified of disappointing people and losing what I had, and I crumbled in middle and high school. Luckily I had good parents so I was able to stumble through it, but it always left me feeling isolated, since I could never articulate why I felt so off inside. It wasn't until I took an "abnormal psych" class in college that I even realized I had intense anxiety.

All of this to say that I'm glad I was able to resonate with you through my writing. I could never find the words to articulate myself when I was younger, so I took to writing to try and connect with people, to get a message across. Most of my stories have some form of "moral" or "lesson" that I'm trying to get across, lessons that I had to learn myself growing up. TPWP's was that perfection is impossible and that you have to learn to accept yourself for who you are. Honestly, I put the most of myself into Taka, since while I never had a distant parental figure who wanted me to be absolutely perfect, I was kinda that figure to myself. I wanted so badly to be "perfect" and "the favorite" and when I wasn't, I freaked out. I shut down and couldn't even explain to my parents why. So, with TPWP, I wanted to let other people know that it's okay to just... be you.

I don't know if any of this is making any sense, sorry. I had a long day at work and my head is a bit jumbled. Mostly just... thanks for writing this. Things have been tough lately between school and work, and it's nice to be reminded that my stories do matter to people. I never wanted to be a professional writer, but I did always want to write something that made someone, somewhere, feel something. Hopefully something good, something cathartic.

Oh, and as for the sex thing... that was honestly unintended, ha. But I'm Ace, so to me, that's what sex is. Or what it should be. A way to connect emotionally with your partner above all else. Honestly, the only reason I wrote sex into TPWP was to explore the way it would interact with their friendship, not to be like... sexual, ha. Glad you liked how I wrote it!

Anyway, thanks again for writing this!! And I'm glad we're mutuals too! Yeah, I am part of some interesting fandoms on my main blog, but I'm glad it's not too off-putting, ha. I'll try and check out that show some day, though! I don't have a lot of emotional energy to get into a new show at the moment (as I'm sure some people can understand, since starting a new fandom can be a lot at times), but maybe once (IF) things calm down for me I'll take a look! I have seen a lot of posts about the monkie kid show, not just from you, so it's something I might check out one of these days. I'm mostly waiting for Our Flag Means Death season 2 to air tomorrow so I can get washed away into Pirate Town for the next month or so, while the episodes release. 😅😅😅

[monsterrae1]

🎶✨️When you get this you have to put 5 songs you actually listen to, publish, then send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) ✨️🎶

Tagged by these two amazing humans @shortsighted-owl @alyxmastershipper

1 Secret Love Song Pt II by Little Mix

I just feel like this is the perfect song for a love that hurts, that you want to shout they're yours but you just can't. Idk, I love the pain and devotion in it. Like the chorus is just chef's kiss:

Why can't I hold me in the street? Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor? I wish that it could be like that Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours Why can't I say that I'm in love? I wanna shout it from the rooftops I wish that it could be like that Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours

2 The Last Time (feat Gary Lightbody) Taylor's version by Taylor Swift

There's just something about saying "This is it, I'm not putting myself through this for someone who doesn't want me" and then doing it over and over. Like:

This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong This is the last time I say it's been you all along This is the last time I let you in my door This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore

that's good stuff to cry to (or write to)

3 Saturn by Sleeping at last

There's something about the music in this song that just always captivates me, and the entire lyrics are just so beatiful, since the first time that I heard this song I fell in love If i copy and pasted anything from it, it'll just be the entire song tbh

4 Remembering Sunday by All Time Low

I don't even know why I'm obsessed with his song but I've been since the first time the album came out; like the missing oportunity of it all it's just, very dear to my heart. I think about this part at least once a day:

Forgive me, I'm trying to find My calling, I'm calling at night I don't mean to be a bother But have you seen this girl? She's been running through my dreams And it's driving me crazy, it seems I'm going to ask her to marry me

5 Save me by Hanson

Shout out if you're old enough to remember Hanson and their second album. I don't even know how long I've been obsessed with save me, but damn the pain in this song just gets to me every time.

If suddenly the sky is falling Could it be too late for me If I never said I'm sorry, then I'm wrong, yes, I'm wrong Then I hear my spirit calling Wondering if she's longing for me And then I know that I can't live without her

A friend went to see them live last year and she didn't know any of their songs so she couldn't record this one for me and I'm forever sad about it.

Tagging if they want to do this: @peaceofficerdiaz @katries @loveyourownsmiilee @rogerzsteven @buddierights @swiftiediaz @lostinabuddiehaze @prettyboybuckley @elvensorceress @eddiesbleps @jobairdxx @spotsandsocks @the-likesofus

[hushafoe]

It's currently 1:30 in the morning and I can't sleep, so I'm gonna write about what's been going on in my life. I have a lot of internet friends on here and it's tough when you go thru something traumatic and you don't wanna be like hey internet friend! Something bad happened to me and just launch into it. So. Idk. I am on mobile and cant for the life of me figure out a readmore so please heed my tws!

Tw domestic violence and mental illness

My mom and dad have never had a healthy relationship. My dad controlled all the finances, and withered away my moms social circle. Just super possessive and controlling. He never has been violent, just verbally and emotionally. But throughout the years, he'd slip into these states where he would be so obsessively angry about a miscommunication 30 years ago, when they were freshly engaged. And last week, he slipped into that rage. Except, it didn't go away. From Wednesday to Sunday, he was constantly starting fights and demanding apologies. I was so scared. I got in contact with the non emergency line, arranged womens shelter resources for my mom. By the time Sunday rolled around, I cracked, abd called the mental health authorities. It was ugly. He was yelling at yhe cops, to the point they took him away in cuffs. He told us as they escorted him out the door that he would never forget this. Great. Just like he wasn't forgetting what happened 30 years ago.

We went and stayed the night at my SIL's apartment, only for me to be woken at 2 AM by a call from the hospital that my dad was being discharged. My brother flew in from Vancouver to support my mom, thank God, cause I have nothing to offer. He got in contact with the responding worker, who filled him in that all signs point to narcissistic personality disorder, maybe a manic episode thrown in too.

With him experiencing "narcissistic injury" it isn't safe for any of us to go home. I don't want to be selfish, but I'm struggling. I miss my own bed. I miss my own room. In the panic of leaving, I left my laptop, so I cabt chat as easily with my friends or even escape into Netflix. I can't write as easily either. I miss being able to change my shirt without a thought. We're staying with my uncle now anf his house is so cold-- I would give almost anything to have my house tobe.We left our cat, and all I can hope is he's been feeding her. My mom was too afraid to get an EPO, and he is refusing to leave, and the RCMP is useless and won't accompany us or get him out without some court order.

Some good at least is all my friends have been so lovely. The outpouring of love and support has made me so grateful and happy to be alive and share my world with them. And of course, we're all safe, even if a bit uncomfortable. My hours at work are becoming more consistent, so hopefully I cab squirrel money away abd get an apartment of my own soon.

Anyway. Things could be so much worse. I just wish that were better.

[vaporwavedoggie]

Ughhhh I need a calender app for my iPad so I'm gonna put my busy week here to sort shit out till i get one ignore this just putting it here for a sec

Mon 29th: go to jps and get set up with jps connect, maybe work on coms?? Visit mom n grandparents as well so kiddos can get paid for doing their yards like they offered, if getting back in time volunteer at church, help feed the people, and also get a box of food for the fam. SHOWER

Tues 30th: psych/therapy appointment at 10:30 am, if jps connect went through pick up antibiotics and psych meds, maybe work on coms?? Family night to see Deadpool n wolverine with the hubby and two oldest kiddos

Weds 31st: clean the house, do dishes, all that shit, work on coms. SHOWER. Work work work!!!! Maybe go over to grandparents n clean their house for them??

Thurs 1st: volunteer at the church @ 5:30 n get there early enough to set up, feed the peoples, get a box of food for the fam. Do some self care before that. Maybe journal, maybe read, maybe play stardew valley?? Idk

Fri 2nd: Bible study @ 6:30pm, FILL OUT THAT GOD DAMN FORM ABOUT THE THING, clean the house, maybe car as well??? If not too stressed coms. Spend time with hubby. Ik i dont gotta write this one down but i wanna watch a movie w him other than just talking or sleeping or cuddling. Maybe i could introduce him to metalocalypse or venture bros and binge it w him idk. SHOWER

Sat 3rd: Write vows and brainstorm ideas with family. Make it super mushy, so mushy he cries and maybe pees. Journal. Work on coms. Go to grandparents and clean their house for them if I have the energy. Let close family know I'm getting married on Fri and they're invited. Take kids to that school supply run at the church so they can get what they need for school

Sun 4th: Church @ 10am!!!! Do some self care n take two of the youngest kids to the library to give them some e n r i c h m e n t. Encourage them to read n shit before they go back to school to warm up. SHOWER

Mon 5th: Clean grandparents house, volunteer at church, feed the peeps, get box o food, self care, yadda yadda

Tues 6th: SUPPOSED to get a mammogram at 1pm then I gotta go to court for an interview thing at 1:30pm so I gotta reschedule the mammogram. They can feel up my tits some other time. commissions??? SHOWER

Weds 7th: Pick out what I'm gonna wear to get married. Maybe borrow best friends/roomies old wedding dress like she offered but idk if it'll fit. If not ima dress casually. Tbh I don't care what we wear as long as were wearing clothes. Work on coms. Do some self care n relax by playing video games or something

Thurs 8th: go over vows/make them if you procrastinated like you always do you little shit, at 5:30pm volunteer at the church and feed the peeps and get food for your fan. AND SHOWER

Fri 9th: GETTING LEGALLY MARRIED TO MY HUBBY AT 7:30PM BITCH!!!

Sat 10th: I think they said there was evening service at church that day?? Idk I'd have to ask. If so ima go to that one instead of the one on sunday. Sleep in mother fuck you earned it. SHOWER BITCH

Sun 11th: Church @ 10am if no evening church.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary157

2/18-19/2024

sunday - monday

ate popcorn and feel kind of sick.

otherwise though, feeling good. working on the 2nd of the 2 problem songs rn, it's def getting there.

and now i think it's there. the other also feels 'there' even if it's just roughly.

i also just finished the gut thing i started last night, very cool.

the next one is gonna be kind of a doozy, i think, as well, so tomorrow i'll probably spend a long time on that, and then the next day, i have a monster, maybe i can drink that and do a bunch of something. i kind of hope i can put that energy to writing though.

also it is late and i kept saying i had to work in the morning tomorrow but that changed, it's now 6 pm to 9pm, which is better for me in every way, basically. it'll give me more time to do music before work and also keep the workout routine up w/o having to insert a weird rest day into it.

the 2nd trouble song, i feel like i want the guitars to have a little more high end, i'll try that now but i just wonder if that's part of what the saturating is doing..

it's an easy test/fix so it's nbd.

and yayy it sounds good.

and hopefully soon i can get my card situation squared away so i can order clothes from japan and then take a bunch of annoying + vain selfies in clothes that make me feel cute and not ugly or something.

speaking of clothes, i have this rlly tiny cardigan i love because it goes w/ everything as a nice layer when i can't figure anything else out, it's like a perfect piece of clothing, idk where it is, making me very very upset kind of. hopefully that turns up soon.

i think my hair will stop wigging me after like, one more day probably. i don't know why my bangs can give me such dysphoria lol it's dumb. i'm just so used to them being like, i guess the thing that makes me feel like i 'pass' i guess. idk. i don't know if that's true or not. i don't think so. it's not like they're gone, i've done this before, even, in the lifespan of the blog, and like, worse, even, for instance look at me when i gave myself this hair:

those are like, psychotic bangs, i'm not there rn, looking thru my selfies there's another pic of me w/ bangs that are kind of like where i'm at rn:

it's funny, in that one i took the selfie while my phone was super messed up so it died whenever it wasn't plugged in, and i was so like, dysphoric or whatever, idk what to call this even, saying it's 'dysphoria' seems not entirely accurate or whatever, but when i felt hideous and needed to capture like, myself not being ugly, i had to plug my phone in, in the bathroom, to do that. that's so embarrassing huh.

anyway, this whole stupid issue is making me look up how to blowdry bangs, which is something i do already, everyday, and know how to do basically, but i guess i'm just trying to get better so i don't make myself go coo coo every time i want to 'fix' my hair.

anyway look at me in akasaka, this was a fun time:

i remember, they had a bunch of harry potter stuff up here, cuz it's so big in japan, and we'd see people come up and look and get really excited, take pictures with it, it was very sweet, honestly, i'm glad that's a primary thing my mind goes to, thinking of harry potter, over anything else, it just pays to not be very invested in it.

i did another gut drawing thing, but it's sort of a practice run for another idea i guess, cuz i don't like the novel part of it, i wanna draw intestines getting cut, and the sinew holding / almost snapping, and stuff. that bit is harder to get right w/ pixels but i think tomorrow i could.

also, since i got paid, i have started looking at some other stupid things, like a digicam. thinking about getting a sony cybershot 8.1 megapixels (i think) (or 7.2), there's one for 30 bux on ebay rn (same w/ the 7.2 mp variant), seems cute and fun. might give me some cool options w/ photography stuff.

n - e wayzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, i need to sleep, it is 3:43 am and i do want to fix my sleep schedule at some point, it'd be good for me.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[fuckinorangecat]

diary 25/09/2023

HELLO again. I have to write about the rest of last week so lemme do that real quick.

I was instantly invited to eat out for dinner on wednesday after my escapades in Osaka. Glad to know people appreciate my wonderful self as much as I do (For all purposes this is a joke). It was scheduled to happen on the wednesday. But with a great stroke of luck, I got sick the day before on the tuesday!!! Great news. It was very strange at least, everything just hurt. I'm pretty sure it was some form of covid or influenza because there was an outbreak at school. On the day of beckoning it got 500 times worse, tuesday was just the starter. Idk how I survived that day but I'm pretty sure I had some lessons which required my most genki self but I managed. I still went to the dinner too, it was a pleasant taiwanese in my town so it was local. Although by the end of the night I'm pretty sure I died. I got straight home and the muscle pain got way worse, I slept at 8pm and woke up in cold sweat at midnight to the weirdest phenomenon. I physically couldn't get up. I had the craziest headache and heaviness that I can't even begin to describe. It was like an invisible weight made up of all my stress and fears. Genuinely one of the worst feelings I've ever suffered. It got much better the next day and I was able to do my lessons fine. Kids always ask what shampoo I use or my hair routine. I love them as this validates my being immensely. On the weekend I got invited out by the geography teacher in my school. We get along cause we're both around the same age, I'm 24, he's 25. Although interestingly, he didn't speak any English and I no Japanese. We used google translate all night and drank forever lol. We first went to a izakaya with an open grill. Dude in front cooked all our food in front of us, was cool as hell. I had cartilage for the first time, like in yakitori form. Opinion? Try it once, never again. It wasn't even bad, just anything and everything is better. Oh yeah, on the way to the Izakaya I was spotted by some cute students who showed me from a distance that they were holding hands. I was like WOAAAH Couple!!! So fuckin' cute. YOUTH. I told the geography teacher and he explained there was a growth in student couples because of sports day. DOUBLE CUTE. Love the kids. After eating and drinking a bunch we went to a american styled bar. Super cool, apparently it opened in the 80s so it's fucking old. We ate pizza, fish and chips and carbonara. Strangely great bar food, well not the pizza it just kept falling apart. "Master" as the japanese call the bar's owner and I spoke the whole night. Of course they always ask about ex-girlfriends. He shared with me his escapades in America, of course including his sex stories with american women. Amazing. I told him my age and he instantly showed me his daughter who was the same age. The pictures he chose were interesting because she had about two pieces of clothing on, wonderfully liberal I suppose. More than I expected in the Japanese countryside. BUT ANYWAY We finish up the night, drunken say goodbye to my geography teacher, and walked home where i instantly fell asleep. oh yeah we exchanged instagram with the fuckin bar master lol, amazing.

I then spent my sunday bingeing sex education (it's good), which made me depressed and think about a certain someone I won't ever share with another human soul and then I went to sleep. I was depressed today because of it but then I magically became better? I attributed it initially to covid/influenza but I then read something that just made me feel better. I refuse to elaborate.

Goodnight.

Love

[httpiastri]

Hiii Love!

Gosh, I haven't been here in a while! I hope your doing good!

I actually managed to watch the race last Sunday, which is the first race I have watched since the summer break. That's so crazy 🙈 but I am just trying to get the most of the nice weather before it just starts to rain all the time here.

I am so so happy about choosing to do the year abroad, and even though sometimes there are harder days (like when my au pair kids do the opposite of what I tell them to do) and it gets frustrating, I love this work and the country and the kids of course! One of them was all cuddly today and didn't wanna stop hugging me 🥰

But the race was so good! Even though I am very... unsure what to think about Carlos as a person, I love love love Carlando and the teamwork at the end of the race was everything!! Gosh, I was so nervous!

I was planning on watching the race on Sunday as well, because it's early in the morning before I could go out, but now it turns out I am going out the night before and won't be home till 3 am 🙈 I really don't think I'm gonna be able to keep my eyes open to watch or even get up. How did I do this back home??

I don't know if I missed anything because I haven't read all of the asks, but did you come to a decision about your University? Just if you wanna talk about it :)

Also, I read that you were struggling a bit about a writer's block and I just wanna say that just starting is the most important thing, even if it might be absolute bullshit! You can always improve it later! Hope it resolves itself soon and you have more time to write as well!!

-✨

hello love! i’ve missed you!! i’ve been doing good, how about you? <33

aw im glad you got to watch the race, it was a good one!! not just the boring old “max verstappen wins by 64 seconds” race 🤭 i’ve been kinda unsure about my feelings about carlos recently too but i can’t say no to carlando, such an iconic and lovely pairing 🥰 just wish it had been swapped around so lando had the win!

but yes you’re right for enjoying the weather and spending time with the kids! i’m really glad you feel like going away to be an au pair is the right thing 🥺 since i work with kids too (they’re probably a bit older than yours, though?…) i really get you, it can be annoying at times but it’s also so much fun. and a cuddly child 🥺😭 that’s so sweet awwww i’m so happy for you about this whole thing 🫶

oh god if you’re up that late then it indeed would be hard to stay awake 😩 good thing you can always watch it later! and i hope you have a great night out 😁😁 idk how i’m gonna survive it either, i really wanna catch up on some sleep this weekend… why couldn’t this weekend be a later race 😔😔

about uni, i ended up not going and instead i’m taking a course in journalism at another university! it’s only once a week though, so i’ve been working these last few weeks. first time i’ve ever worked an actual 9-5 job for more than like two days 😵 i’ve done so many other types of work but this is new territory. it’s quite alright so far! the only problem being that i never fall asleep until 1am at the earliest, so i never get a lot of sleep :/ well well!

you’re very right, always when i get a block i just sit down and force myself to write either way. i have barely had any time at all to write these last few weeks tho so i haven’t gotten around to doing it. i did manage to sit down last night though and had a good writing moment! but it was at 2am so my work today is going to suffer from it 🥲 thank you love!

i hope you have a great weekend sweetheart 🥰🥰

[omg-just-peachy]

sleep a little deeper

Tony’s plane lands sometime after midnight, and by the time he arrives home, it’s well after one and he’s just about dead on his feet, his mind a quiet buzz of numbers and meetings and next steps from his weeks overseas. 

He’s too keyed up to sleep but too exhausted to start on anything new at this hour. Instead, Tony parks himself in front of the fridge, peering inside listlessly. Even this holds no appeal, though he is starving. With a sigh, he grabs an apple and a glass of water and leans against the kitchen island, letting his forehead brush against the cool marble, wishing he’d had the guts to just text Steve earlier and ask him to come over, meet him at the penthouse. JARVIS has let him in plenty of times before, though lately Tony’s been toying with the idea of giving him a key, a permanent place here, with him. 

But Tony hates the idea of asking, of admitting out loud that he needs Steve like some kind of toddler with a teddy bear, that he sleeps approximately one million times better when Steve’s in his bed with him. 

Tomorrow, he promises himself. Tomorrow, he’ll ask Steve to come and stay. 

Two weeks apart is really too long, anyway. 

He sighs again, then clicks the light off, leaving his suitcase right where it is in the kitchen; he can deal with it in the morning. 

By the time Tony shuffles himself from the bathroom (hot shower, eyes closed, more heavy sighs) and to the bedroom, he thinks he might just be able to sleep after all. Between the time difference and nearly ten straight days of being “on” for his investors, maybe he’ll do something crazy like sleep straight through the night. 

Tony doesn’t bother with the light, instead, he flops himself right into his bed, soft and welcoming and… not as empty as he anticipated—

“Steve?” Tony yelps.

There’s definitely a super-soldier sized body beneath his thousand thread count sheets, even though that’s impossible, Steve shouldn’t be here…Tony hadn’t asked, hadn’t reminded him that he was coming home tonight…

“Tony? You’re back,” Steve pauses to yawn, scooting himself over and holding out an arm, as if inviting Tony to curl up beneath it. “Hi, sweetheart,” he says.

When Tony just lays there, gaping at him, Steve frowns. Even in the dark, Tony can see the crease beneath his eyebrows, wonders dazedly if he’s so over-tired that he’s dreaming this, that maybe Steve isn’t here at all. 

“Are you okay, Tony?”

“I… yeah, I just wasn’t expecting you to be here? I mean… how did you know I was getting back tonight?” 

“You told me,” Steve laughs. He seems to have given up on waiting for Tony to join him, and instead rolls over to where Tony lays, propped up on his side of the bed, and wastes no time scooping him up easily and pulling him in with a contented sigh. Tony feels himself go boneless, liquid in Steve’s embrace, even as his brain struggles to catch up. 

“Yeah, but that was like… a week ago.” Tony can’t wrap his mind around this, the fact of Steve here in his bed, waiting for him, like...like…

“You’ve been gone for two weeks, Tony, I wanted to see you,” Steve says with a brush of his lips to Tony’s.

“Oh,” Tony says, processing. 

“Yeah, oh,” Steve laughs again, the sound followed quickly by another yawn. “You’re warm,” he murmurs, lips grazing Tony’s neck. “C’mere.” 

Tony lets himself be tugged in close, held gently and kissed; he kisses back. He thinks about how lucky he is, even feels himself start to relax, just a little, because Steve is here and they’re both home.

“Steve,” Tony mumbles, just before he drifts to sleep for good.

“Mm?”

“Will you...stay?” He just. He has to be sure.

Steve chuckles, and Tony dares to open his eyes, taking in the soft smile on Steve’s face when he says, “Of course, sweetheart,” and hugs him, impossibly, tighter.

[sammyboyimagines]

Road Trip Pt. 3

Summary: You were finding it hard to deal with Steve, and it was only 3 hours into the road trip. How could you possibly last 2 days? Words: 3.9k

Warnings: Smut 18+ (minors I will tell your mothers, leave now!!), angst smut, enemies to lovers, smut and more smut, one-bed trope-ish, dirty talk, oral sex, swearing, partial angry sex?? idk if there's more

//this is my first time writing smut, I did so much research on this, idk how good it'll be but it is something! It is words!

The front door slammed closed in front of you as you grappled with the idea that Steve had just placed in your head. 

He thought you were using him?

You paused a few minutes, hoping Steve might feel a change of heart. You honestly didn't expect him to say that. You thought he would say he didn't want to do this anymore. That was the vibe you were getting from the minute you stepped into his car. You could feel the tension in the room, and he wasn't even there!

As you waited for Steve longer and longer, you decided to let him take the bed. You detested him, but you wouldn't make him suffer while you snuggled in a warm queen bed alone. The small stained yellow sofa in the corner of the room became your bed. Soon you were turning off the lights in the room and curling up.

Steve was sitting in his car, his head leaning against the freezing steering wheel. He would have slept in his car, but it was way too cold outside, even if he had a million blankets. 

Steve always had a vision of how he would have confessed his feelings to you. He would have invited you for a movie night at his house and confessed his feelings over greasy pizza and popcorn. You'd reply with something along the lines of "I like you too," Obviously, Steve knew it would go a little different than that. He'd probably stutter a little when he caught a glimpse of your gorgeous eyes watching him. His hands would start to get clammy as the words "I'm in love with you" catch in his throat before he could tell you. He'd forget his whole speech the minute your sweet laughter filled his ears as you watched him struggle to remember his words.

In his head, he imagined himself already dating you. He could imagine his head in your lap, a book in your hand as you read and slowly brush your soft hands through his tangled hair. He imagined going away with you, sleeping in until the late morning with the sun shining through sheer white drapes on a Sunday. 

But that was gone now. His dreams of finally having you in his arms were gone from the moment he heard Tommy talking about you. He tried to date Nancy, hoping that he'd forget about you. He couldn't.

Each time he'd see your face in the hallway, it felt like he was seeing you for the first time. He'd push the image out of his mind. Your loving and kind eyes still had the same feelings for him, even if he couldn't see past the hatred you feigned. 

He tried several girls, hoping one of them would make him feel the same way he had felt about you, but to no avail. It was hard for him to move on. He enjoyed his short-lived relationship with Nancy but deep down he still thought of you, he'd never tell you that though. After all, you didn't really care for him, right?

He gave himself a mental pep talk. He saw the lights to your room go off, so he assumed you were falling asleep now. He took a deep breath and pushed his hair out of his face. "It's just one night, then we can get this over with."

If he was being honest, he was hurt by your cold demeanor. He couldn't understand you, that much he knew. He had tried for years to understand why you had affected him and how you'd grown so dear to him, but he couldn't. You were an enigma, a beautiful, cold, confusing enigma. Steve reaches in his pocket for his wallet. He pulls out a picture.

It's you. You're sitting on your bed reading some textbook from a class that he'd probably failed. He always thought the sight was beautiful. The focused look on your face as you curl your legs up to get comfortable, the way your face would scrunch up as you did your homework. It was all perfect. You were perfect. 

He takes the small picture between his two hands and rips it in half. Then in half again, and again. 

He shoves it into the glove box without a second thought, the small shards of the photograph spreading out as he placed them down. He got out of his car and walked back to your room. Steve felt his face heat up in embarrassment. He ran away from you like a coward.

He unlocked the door, flinching as it started to creak when he pushed it open. He was relieved to see you weren't in his face, ready to argue again. He never wanted to spend another minute with you once he heard the rumor, but now he was sharing a room with his ex-best friend. 

Steve glanced over at your sleeping figure curled up on the sofa and sighed in defeat. A small part of him felt terrible for being so harsh and rude to you, however, he had been holding those feelings back for a long time. 

He changed into some loose sweatpants and a plain shirt, shivering slightly when the cold air from the fan above the bed finally got to him. He slipped into bed and attempted to fluff up the singular, flattened pillow that the hotel provided. He quickly felt himself drift off into a much-needed sleep. Until he heard shuffling. 

He kept his eyes closed, not wanting to bring himself out of the blissful feeling of being half-asleep. The shuffling continued, and he opened his eyes when you sighed and stood up, the aged floorboards creaking underneath you. Steve was a pretty heavy sleeper, but he preferred silence when he was trying to sleep at 5 in the morning.

"Y/n, will you stop making so much noise?" Steve wanted his much-needed rest. He got grumpy when he was tired, something you already knew whenever you'd have sleepovers as kids. He always fondly remembered you giggling late at night because he would have mumbled something in his sleep. The feeling of waking up to your sweet, silent laughter; took his breath away.

"You try sleeping on a tiny old sofa with weird stains. The damn sheet won't stay on." You clutched the extra provided sheet in your hands as you attempted to spread it over the sofa. "Okay, but can you just not make noise?" Steve didn't realize how mean he was.

"Can you not bother me for five minutes? We both aren't getting what we want." You were also grumpy. Steve took this personally.

"Oh, I'm bothering you? I'd say it's the other way around. You know, you're being a real bitch today." you let out a gasp, he knew he messed up. He was too drowsy to realize what words were leaving his mouth. "Who made me act like this? You. You brought this on yourself the moment you asked me to help you burn that fucking lab down. Either you quit acting like I hurt you or I'm hitching a ride and going back to Hawkins." by the end of your sentence, you were right next to the bed with your finger pointed at him. You turned the bedside lamp on as you felt another argument coming on.

"You did hurt me! You were using me for whatever your sick reason was! You probably wanted to use me so you could fuck the popular seniors, is that what it was? I always saw you eyeing that one guy, what was his name?" he didn't know why he was saying this, even he was shocked at what he was saying. All he knew was that you looked absolutely stunning with your messy hair and shorts that barely covered anything. Of course, he thought you looked amazing in anything.

"Seriously? Do you think I was interested in those assholes? How many times do I have to tell you that I wasn't using you! I could have got what I wanted like 2 years ago if that was true!" you rubbed your face tiredly. The people sleeping in the next room were probably silently begging for the noise to stop. He stands up and walks towards you, the scent of his cologne filling the air. You felt your hands clam up as you tried to distract yourself from him. Steve had the perfect view, he could see your lacy bra peeking out of your low-cut tank top. He hated to admit it, but he could never get over you. He'd imagine the way your tits would feel against him while making out.

"Yeah, I'm sure you would have taken off with my money or something too." he was standing now, about 5 inches from you. Your bodies were practically touching. As angry as you were, feeling Steve's warm body heat was something you were starving for during this cold November night.

"You really are delusional. Since when have I even borrowed any money from you? I have my own job, fuck you and your money." you laughed to yourself. The situation wasn't funny, it was just unbelievable how untrusting he was. 

"Oh, I'm sure you'd like to, huh, Y/n? Fuck me and use me to get ahead. That sounds just like you." with that, you'd had enough. 

You slapped him.

That was new. "I don't know what your fake friends told you about me, but it's not true. If you weren't so obsessed with yourself-" he cut you off by Steve's hands entrapping you against the wall. One hand slips down from the wall to cup your jaw as he pulled you into a frantic kiss. Steve expected you to pull away, but you stayed. The kiss was truly sinful and heated. You'd be an idiot to pull away right now. Steve's large hand cupped the side of your face as he pressed himself against you, his body firm and warm. You shivered from the sudden affection and warmth. 

Steve pulled away slowly, his quick breaths fanning against your lips as he was only an inch away from your lips. You wanted to pull him back and take what was so close to you. "No, I was obsessed with you, Y/n. Don't you get it?" he pressed a hand against your lower back, dragging you closer to him. "God you're so hot when you're angry at me.." he chuckles to himself as he leans forward to leave gently sloppy kisses along your jawline. 

"You have a lot to make up for, Steve," Steve smirked against your collarbone when he heard a small whimper leave your mouth. "I know, baby. I'll make it up to you. I've wanted to do this for years." he mumbled as he slipped a hand underneath your shirt, inhaling sharply at the feel of your soft warm skin underneath.

Steve pulled away and tugged at your top gently, his lips red and glistening as he held you close to him. Normally, he had good self-control, but around you, when you were in his face with so much emotion. He couldn't ignore the way your perfume drove him crazy the moment you got in his face to yell at him. He couldn't ignore your outfit either. He'd fantasized about this throughout the years, but being here with you now, he was drunk on the feeling of your lips on his, your body so close to him, your soft delicious moans filling his ears. Pure bliss.

He couldn't hold back.

His fingers dug into the flesh of your hips as he breathed out a low groan. "Are you okay with this?" his chest was starting to heave, and you couldn't help but admire the sight. His hair was messy and his cheeks were flushed a light red from excitement. He was exactly what you needed right now. Whether you had a bad past or not, you would throw it away for a chance to make up. 

"God yes, Steve. I've wanted this for a long time too.." you could see Steve's eyes light up in amusement. He hums, "Mm, how long, baby? Wanna hear you say it.." His hands traveled to your ass, groping the flesh underneath your sheer, tiny shorts. He'd keep those on if he could, anything to see the delicious sight of you bent over in front of him while reaching for something you dropped. But right now, his goal was to make up for lost time and rude accusations. 

"Years.." your breathy moans only fueled the fire growing inside him. He was getting more confident by the minute. You, his long-term crush, were now confessing that you've liked him for years. He could die happy knowing you felt the same way. But then he felt the guilt. The overwhelming, gut-churning guilt. 

"Such a good girl..." he started, pulling your thin tank top above your head and aimlessly tossing it aside. "I'm sorry for being so mean, I was being an idiot." He held your waist, both of your hearts practically beating out of your chests.

"Steve, you're forgiven. Just promise me you will come to me before you believe your stupid friends." the words made him physically relax in front of her. He nodded frantically as he ran his hands up and down your torso. "Of course babe. As I said, I was an idiot." He wanted to let you know that he felt terrible. You bit your lip in anticipation and held his face in your hands. "You are an idiot. But you're a really hot idiot." you wrapped your arms around his neck, fingers brushing through his thick brown hair as you made out with him. 

Steve reached behind you and unclasped your bra, pulling his lips away from yours. "Lay on the bed for me." after he said that, he took that as his chance to take his shirt off. Steve looked up at you from the floor and his face softened. If he could stay in this spot for eternity, he'd be happy. He never realized how much you affected him, but seeing you here so vulnerable and loving. It opened his eyes.

"Jesus you are so hot" he couldn't keep his eyes off of your gorgeous thighs as he stumbled out of his sweatpants. The lamps' golden light shining against your pretty, beautiful figure made part of him want to skip ahead to the good part, but the other part wanted to take his time with you to make up for his behavior.

He crawled onto the bed and pressed a firm, yet loving kiss to your lips. "Is this okay? Will you let me fix my stupid mistakes and make it up to you?" Steve wanted you to know how sorry he was. What better way to let you know than to make love to you.

Once he got your approval, he slid his hands up your torso and gently kneaded your breasts, adoring the feeling of your soft skin. "Fuck this is a dream.." he hums to himself. Steve wanted to tell you how perfect you were in this moment, in every moment in fact. Even when you were mad at him, he still found it difficult to focus when your cute nose would scrunch up at certain words, or the way you'd talk with your arms when scolding him. 

"Mm stop teasing, Harrington" he chuckled at your words and pressed light kisses down your chest and stomach. "Just wanna take my time with you, babe. Make up for wasted time." you bit back a moan as his soft lips took his time getting to where you wanted him the most. 

Steve positioned himself between your thighs as he paid extra attention to your breasts. "God you're so addictive." you could feel that he was already hard against your leg, and it only turned you on more. He was embarrassed to admit it, but he was hard the moment he saw you walk toward him in your angry rant. 

You felt dizzy when Steve pulled your underwear to the side and circled his thumb over your clit gently. After a few seconds, you were already panting underneath him, while he was leaving hickeys on your neck and breasts. His love for your boobs was extremely obvious as he hyper-focused on them while giving your other parts minor attention. 

You let out some high-pitched moans and in return, you bit your lip in a poor attempt your shut yourself up. Steve pulled your panties off at a slow pace, admiring how wet you were underneath. "Could feel it through your panties. Tell me what you want, pretty girl. No more hiding those moans, they're too sexy."

If you weren't already a puddle on the floor, his words were making you melt into his touch as he bent down to press light kisses to your inner thighs. You weren't able to answer him, you were too focused on one of his fingers sliding inside you, however, you wanted more.

"Fuck, please.." you were a whining and squirming mess underneath Steve as he sucked on your clit gently. "Please what, baby? Use your words.."

You couldn't speak your mind, as he was adding more fingers and picking up the pace. He pulls his mouth away and gave you a cocky smirk from in between your thighs. "You look so beautiful right now. A mess because of me." he cooed, watching you grind against his hand.

He decided he couldn't wait any longer. He pulled his hand away and you immediately whined in protest. "I know, I know. Such a good girl for me, baby." he kissed you softly, humming in satisfaction as you reached down to palm his boner through the boxers he still had on. "Off.." you mumbled onto his lips, to which he obeyed.

"You still okay with this?" he sat on his knees between your thighs, his eyes wandering all over your body before you could respond. "Yes Steve, please just fuck me already. Been waiting for years." it was the truth, you'd been longing for him and silently begging for fate to turn his head to you.

"Alright baby, I won't keep you waiting any longer." he pulled a condom out of his bag and turned back to see you smirking. "Tell me you didn't plan this.." you laughed, it was music to Steve's ears. He was impossibly harder. "Nope, just happened to have one." he shrugs it off, smiling wider when your arms pull him back into bed.

Steve held your hips tight, you knew there would be bruises the next day but you couldn't care less. All you could care about was him. His warm ragged breaths across your neck, his arms surrounding you, his cock pressed against your entrance making it hard to think of anything but him.

"Damn you drive me crazy, you realize that?" he chuckled and lined himself up, admiring how easy it was for the both of you to be vulnerable. Even despite expressing your hate for each not even an hour ago. "So do you, you're like walking sex." both of you laughed until Steve slid inside you. You both let out a breathy moan, yours louder than his.

"Fuck you feel amazing. I don't know how long I can hold back, baby." you moaned when he started pushing in and out of you at a slow pace. "Don't hold back then. Please, Steve, I need you so bad." god his name on your lips sounded like heaven to him.

His thrusts sped up and every time you'd beg him to go harder or faster, he'd obey. How could he not when the love of his life was begging so sweetly?

You wrapped your legs around Steve's waist. "God you're so perfect for me.." he groans and tightens his grip on your hips, lifting you slightly so he can get a better angle to fuck you at. You couldn't form words or thoughts, you could only hear yourself making moans that definitely woke up the neighbors. "C'mon baby, moan my name please." Steve was surprised he had lasted this long. He assumed he would lose it within one minute once he got inside your warm and wet cunt. 

You held onto the sheets as Steve roughly thrust into you, your voice becoming more hoarse by the second. His cock was thicker than anyone you'd been with, and he was hitting all the right spots. It was like he was perfect for you like he knew you inside and out. 

Steve moaned your name lightly when he felt you clenching around him. Fuck, at this rate he'd only last a little while longer. "Fuck baby do that again, are you close?" his frantic voice paired with small gasps and grunts brought you even closer to the edge, you felt his nails dig into the fleshy skin on your thighs as he desperately searched for an angle that would drive you crazy. The moans you let out were sinful, to say the least, and they made Steve weak in the knees as he watched your head tilt back in pleasure.

He eventually found that spot and you gasped and moaned his name. "C'mon baby, be a good girl for me and cum on my cock. Please baby." he was practically begging at this point. He wanted you to cum first before he could, and he wasn't going to back down from that.

You were in pure bliss as you felt your orgasm coming. "Steve don't stop, fuck don't stop.." you moaned his name repeatedly, it was music to his ears. He thought he was in heaven.

You came with a loud moan of his name, your legs trembling around his waist as he fucked you through your orgasm. Steve's orgasm immediately followed your own. He let out a breathy groan of your name and a bunch of profanity, his trhusts slow and uneven as his cum filled the condom. 

He could stay in this position forever and he would die happy, but he knew he had to get some sleep for the long drive tomorrow. You whined when he pulled out of your sore, used cunt. "I know, let me help you out baby." he brought you a some water and anything else you might need.

"I'm sorry for treating you like shit, I was stupid to not come to you ask about the rumor. God you have no idea how mad I am with Tommy and Carol right now." he chuckles, but you didn't. This made him worry. 

"It's okay Steve, are we dating now or was this a one time thing?" you were terrified that you had been another notch in his belt. Steve frowned and pulled you close, covering your tired sweaty bodies with the thin hotel blanket. "Y/n, now that I finally have you...I am never letting you go."

"Never?" you turned to look at him, catching his gaze of pure love and admiration.

"Never."

//sorry if the smut wasn't the best, it's my first time writing smut! there will be one more short little drabble as part 4!

[agirlneedsgoals]

I'm in a weird place today. I'll cut this to spare you (there is brokenness, coveting, complaining, talk of writing, dinner menus, and babble about current and past tv shows).

Last night, I suddenly had skin crawlies. I haven't had it like that without some kind of obvious trigger in YEARS. Maybe a decade, even. It felt like things were crawling on my arms, my face, my hair, my neck, and my shoulders. I knew nothing was there, I couldn't help touching to try and brush it off but I knew better than to scratch like I used to. Yay for self-control! I had to take Xanax to be able to sleep.

I woke up this morning hurting from the top of my head down to my toes. I think it's how I slept but I didn't feel this way once at @clockwrkheart's when I was there this last weekend. I think it's their bed and her pillow. I covet.

I'm writing! In tiny drips and drabs but I am writing. It's not my own stuff. It's fanfic, which I've never been particularly good at but this seems to be...coming together? Idk. I currently have about 4000k on the one that's working for me now. I'm just doing what I can, I'll check it for pacing and character later. I inflict it on one of my bffs constantly, but she has to say it's good because it's in her contract.

Enh, nobody'll see it even if I post it cause it won't be here. 😁

I have our meal calendar filled for over a week! Proud of myself but I'm not the one to make it most of the time, either because I'm exhausted or I'm just...not up for it. *is broken* But I want to. Does that count? Here's my dinner menu:

Tonight: lemon-turmeric soup and sandwiches (why sandwiches? because we didn't get any good bread to dip in it because I was gf when I put it on the menu and soup alone can't keep my sugar up overnight)

Thursday: chicken apple sausage, mashed root veggies, miso orange green beans

Friday: tuna noodle casserole w/Caesar salad (the only quintessentially 50's recipe I eat; mostly because my Oma made it when I was little)

Saturday: shrimp scampi (okay sometimes idk what will be going with the main)

Sunday: spaghetti and meatballs w/roast cauliflower (frozen meatballs and dressed up jar sauce because fuck you that's why)

Next Monday: tostadas

Next Tuesday: garlic butter baked tilapia, sweet potatoes, roast squash, broccoli

Next Wednesday: chicken fricassee, mashed potatoes, spring mix w/lemon vinaigrette

Next Thursday: honey mustard salmon, golden carrots, broccoli, green rice

Next Friday: gnocchi alla vodka (I'mma make both from scratch, actually), cloud eggs, Caesar salad

Next Saturday: Italian shakshuka, garlic bread

Next Sunday: curried chicken salad w/good bread (that just means I want crusty Italian or French bread)

Nobody cares about that except me, but there it is. 😋

They mark the doors of elves in The Witcher, to mark them either as homes they need to raid or homes they have raided, when they're putting all the elves in chains. But they draw a little elven piggy and I shouldn't but I find it ADORABLE.

I got 2 lbs. of strawberries from Sam's Club. I'mma eat them all dipped in sugar. You can't stop me, I'm an ADULT.

I only watched like 3 or 4 seasons of The Vampire Diaries and I never watched The Originals. It's on my list, I just never got to it. But YouTube has been suggesting a ton of vids from them and some of it is SO WELL EDITED. Like these people should edit movie trailers because it makes stuff that I KNOW was blisteringly stupid, look good.

Oh, my God, the love story between Klaus and Elijah. Not in the incesty way, just in the true love brother way. Those two could break curses on each other, s2g. I adore it. And there's a Caroline vid that made me actually cry. AND WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME DAMON AND BONNIE BECAME BESTIES??? If I can't have them as a couple (I shipped them in the books, tbh), I want them as bros. 💕💖💕💖💕💖

Okay, I'm gonna stop this now. If you read this far, I owe you cookies.

[wxldchxld]

It's not Sunday and idk if I'm even allowed to write nsfw hcs at this point but I've thought about this a decent amount recently so

Headcanon: Beck and Casual Sex

Beck doesn't generally do flings/hook ups/one night stands. She's not morally opposed to it, but they do pose a significant risk. Not only does she have to go into human spaces and risk being seen, but she then has to trust a stranger enough to let her guard down in those same human spaces. It's just not worth it for an orgasm in her opinion.

Her drive is fairly high in relationships, but outside of them she doesn't honestly think about sex a lot. On the rare occasion she needs an itch scratched, she can usually do it herself.

That's not to say she's never hooked up or that she hasn't had a couple of light hearted, mostly sex driven relationships in her time. I'm just saying it's not something she does often and the older she gets, the less often she goes near people at all.

However Beck doesn't really give a shit about sex as a concept. She's perfectly willing to sleep with someone if she thinks it will get her what she wants. This could be for a job, or for information, or for personal reasons. If anything she's mildly put off by the idea of sleeping with people who she thinks are ugly or just aren't good at it.

I think Beck's like personal freedom has allowed her to reach this mindset tbh. No one ever made her or pressured her to use her body to get what she wanted, so she doesn't hold any bitterness, and her sex education comes from mostly witches, who are pretty open and free in their beliefs about sex. I'm not saying they encourage using people like this, but she was certainly never taught to try and stay chaste for anyone. So she has no reservations, no shame, and really no guilt, because she thinks very little of humans in broad strokes.

[agirlneedsgoals]

State of the Me

We're just gonna cut this...

I sort of ran out of meds. I know, look. Sometimes my executive dysfunction isn't just dysfunction, it's actually just an empty space with [program code goes here] in it. The worse I feel, the harder it is to get it back. And once I ran out of the nerve meds, I was in actual agony for a while, so.

But I fixed it. After I ran out of one of the heart meds. I didn't know what to do! CVS kept telling me I have copays on my meds (which I don't) but I was switched to a new insurance as of October...but they never sent me a card...I don't know who to call...I tried looking in my account with the state and it said I didn't have an account so. I just kind of stalled there for a bit.

Anyway, CVS somehow had two insurances listed and one was not mine. I made them take it off and my copays disappeared because whether I have new insurance or not, CVS uses my account number from the state, so that never changed. Nobody wants to go into town today so I'll get them tomorrow.

I've been cooking more! Well, I still make my mom sous chef for me. But I've been doing actual cookery lately. I really, really, REALLY miss cooking. Remember when I used to throw off big cakes for birthdays or send cookies out for Christmas or host dinner parties? They honestly seem like a dream now. I get so overwhelmed. It's stupid.

My brain is not a well place right now. I can hardscrabble for some kind of balance sometimes but then I trip and I fall into bad thoughts and feelings. It's deep and dark sometimes. Idk what to do about that, either. I'm not looking to harm myself so I guess I can just drown here for a while.

Still can't sleep. 2 hours max at a time, if that. Last night, I didn't get to sleep until 6 am this morning.

This week, I made wilted spinach salad with goat cheese, hazelnuts, and dried cherries on Sunday and blueberry chicken salad (the key to chicken salad is only use Greek yogurt, NO MAYONNAISE, Christ) on Monday. I accidentally napped until 7 pm last night so mom made the stew. I don't use a recipe for stew but I had left a list of ingredients for it and she used that. Without finding a recipe even! I was so proud.

Tonight is cashew chicken. No, not that cashew chicken. This one has roasted chicken with a cashew butter "sauce" that's way too thick to be a sauce, then you toast it under a broiler. I think I first made it in culinary school. Tomorrow is gonna be pork butadon. It was supposed to be pork belly but Sam's Club betrayed me so I'm subbing pork loin.

I've been watching The Witcher on repeat. I'm getting bitched at over it. Look, when my brain has no brain left to give, I do nothing but comfort and right now that's a choice between The Witcher or Forensic Files and Witcher had such lovely angst this last season so fuck off. 😊

I bought leg warmers. I'm partial to capri leggings but there is snow so what do? Leg warmers. I only got the one pair in black because I wasn't sure I'd like the texture of the knit but now I need like 10 pairs in all the colors.

I've been writing. Not really writing. Like typing out tiny pieces of things that could be fanfic if I ever finished them. I have started 10 different pieces. None of them are even close to being finished, most of them are fragmented. Was it always this hard? It's been SO LONG, jfc.

Writing my own stuff? 😂😂😂 No. I don't have access to that in my brain. Can't feel it at all. No Dizzy and zombies, no Faith and monsters, no Vianne and demons. Sads. But I would like to finish at least a little short fanfic maybe???

Let's see, good things, good things. I'm going to visit friends down in the Valley at the end of the month. That will be nice. I miss people.