#idk its like. THEYRE FINE. i dont have strong feelings about them theyre just FINE but i feel bad seeing them slandered

[loudfederationscreeching]

possibly controversial take but neither of kiras so called boring love interests (bareil and shakaar) are boring imo

like obviously i get wanting her to be gay, kira deserves to be gay, and seeing her constantly paired up with guys can be grating

but bareil is a vedek who champions peace and cares about bajor and its future and stability so much that he literally works himself to death to establish a fair peace treaty with the cardassians

and shakaar is literally the leader of kiras former resistance cell. he becomes prime minister after standing up to kai winn alongside kira, using the tactics they used for all those years. theyve known each other a long time, later find they have feelings for each other, and then eventually split amicably, remaining friends. he doesnt have the MOST interesting personality, but hes steady and kind, and these episodes add a lot of great dimension to kira

if they sometimes come off as boring, i think its because they do their job narratively and dont eclipse kira in their episodes, and instead further her journey

and both of these men are also instrumental in the buildup as kai winn as a villain (winn lets bareil die and opposes shakaar), all the antipathy that we feel for her is rooted in these arcs. so on that basis alone i think theyre worth being remembered positively

[cerealmonster15]

i dont think i ever felt more annoyed at commercials than when those mean girls walmart ads were playing a few months ago or whenever that was

[arsenicflame]

ok leaked 2x01 clip observation post

(watch the clip here)

God. Izzy looks completely wrecked in this- hes scruffy and his hairs not slicked back properly he just looks. tired.

EVERYONE LOOKS SO COOL THOUGH

i want to know WHY he stutters there- what was he going to say instead?

for me, the way fang asks izzy how hes doing is not just a sign that things have gotten so bad, but it implies prior emotional connection. fang had to be the one to breach this conversation because he Knows Izzy (perhaps the others were too nervous to start because the situation is Obviously tense, but fang knows him) idk thats what i get from it.

'dont help me, dont help me' izzy sweetheart :( they are your friends.

the way jim says 'unhealthy relationship with blackbeard' sounds like they were coached, like they were repeating something someone else said. i love two unemotional assholes trying their best. unhealthy relationship is such a frenchieism to me i can just imagine jim noting it down in their journal like. 'good wording. practice saying it a few more times. toxic??????'

i believe theyre called archie and i love them so much. lesbianism hours.

rhino horn i assume is a drug? hm.

'hes cut off at least two more of your toes, hasnt he?' HOLY SHIT

the way frenchie says that is like. it wasn't infection or an accident its purposeful. they KNOW something is happening. ed Took two more toes. at least, that they know of. how do they know??? are they listening? can they hear his screams? is he asking for medical help from them? rotating round them all so no one person knows just how bad it is? (but theyre talking. theyre talking to each other now. about him, theyre worried)

maybe his first really did heal fine and it was a later infection. maybe. maybe ed took the whole leg. on purpose. whats izzy been doing to 'make ed do this'- did ed even anything to justify it? was he protecting the crew? smuggling rations to lucius? at best he was disobeying orders, but given their reactions it obviously wasnt anything that endangered anyone- imo he would have been looking out for them (maybe that why he is instructing them to throw away loot. hes protested that one too many times)

the way he immediately starts crying at that too. its like. hes been thinking all these things for a while and didn't want to say it out loud, or was thinking it was all on him and that he deserved it- but then someone comments out loud its not a good situation and he just. thats his oh moment and he falls apart.

IZZY GETS A HUG

god a fang hug looks so good- even when hes obviously trying to respect izzy being uncomfortable it

the way he is desperately trying to hold back sobbing- like if he breaks apart now he knows its the end, he will never be able to put himself back together. he needs to remain strong remain put together, he will never survive otherwise. it doesnt even really feel like hes trying not to cry because its weakness, not appropriate of him anymore, its simply that he cant afford to.

also making unconscious noises when uncomfortable. me 🤝 izzy autistic bitches. (this is only to me)

JIM IS SO UNCOMFRTABLE ALSO (and archie?) god. i desperately want happy izzy & jim dynamics i think they would work SO good, neither of them want to touch an emotion with a ten foot pole wtf please get jim out of there and a knife in their hand.

god. god. theres so much here. the crew dynamics. izzy found family canon confirmed i love it so much. this is everything ive ever wanted izzys getting love! hes getting a good arc! hes making allies and friends and they care about him!!!! theyre worried about him!!!!!!

god. i was already so excited for season 2 but this is everything to me. i just know this is going to be so good. i have SO much faith

[popstart]

Am I the only one who feels like the way this fandom talks about female characters is always so like???? Omg girlboss but also a girlfailure I support women’s rights AND wrongs she was robbed!!!! Idk it’s always the same few phrases lol I don’t get it.

OHHHH I AGREE SO HARD💀 seeing the same 3 phrases used to describe the female characters bc they think its a diversity win. ok.

Female character is independent or strong etc -> omg shes suuuuch a girlboss teehee🙈 step on me. other weird and annoying sexual comments bc girlbossery is sexy (or something) and thats the only appeal female characters are allowed to have for a lot of people Female character is kinda cringe sometimes and doesnt succeed at everything -> omg my silly girlfaliure girlloser shes so sillystupid i love her Female character has dimension -> omg??? shes like a girlboss and a girlfaliure at the same time???

ignoring the fact i hate so many things about tacking on the prefix girl to random shit as something that feels like a negative connotation (or something degrading), there is 0 critical thinking people have for female characters and its like. ok man. people come up with 600 random headcanons and backstory elements for every single male character they like but designate the female characters they like to "oh ummm shes a girlboss so i like her😊" AWWEEESOMEEEEE. LOVE TO SEE IT🥴

and to people that dont see that or say that doesnt happen....... it does. i see it with my own eyeballs every damn day. eg; in fanon noah has 8 (or 9? i forget) girlboss sisters and is an expert hacker and speaks 300 languages and knows everything and makes 0 mistakes and is always calculated all the time and has 20 boyfriends while in canon he got kicked out of the opportunity of 100k dollars because he was reading and hates everyone and plays video games all day and is a massive schmuck for 1 single person that being emma. sorry noah fans thats just how it is. headcanons are fine but it gets to the point where its like hey guys what are we doing here.

and ok whatever. say we all stop talking about noah bc god knows he did nothing to deserve it. where do we go from there? the amount of people i see saying they wish there was more f/f in fandom they just dont wanna write it or people that say they wish they wrote f/f more its just too hard has me :I i think it really just proves how little fanon there is for female characters. since generally fanon is what fandom bases its fanfiction and general characterization on and f/f famously contains only women, it makes sense that if its "hard" to write for f/f pairings it means that people just dont care enough about the women to make wide spread fandom interpretations of them.

and it reaaaaaally sucks. total drama has what i consider a pretty good cast of diverse female characters. And sure, a lot of the time the show doesnt do them justice (they were robbed as many many MANY people say) but a lot of them have so much potential and all of them have at least SOME potential. but ofc, due to how theyre treated in the fandom, no one really cares about them outside of them being paired up with men. and even worse, people will just straight ignore them outright a lot of the time because they 'get in the way of their mlm ship' or some bs.

am i saying its inherently misogynistic to write mlm ships? HELLLLLL no. im just saying that the heavy apathy or visceral anger many many many female characters get unless theyre paired up with a man or because they 'get in the way of' a mans love for another man is quite frankly laughable when you consider what actually goes on in the show. this shit was made for kids, these people are kids. its just so weird just how obsessed people can be with a fictional character to the point of these overblown reactions to other characters of the same god damn show

[transenbyconfessions]

im just going to be rambling and ranting but im so confused about my gender and presentation. i consider myself transmasc, kind of. maybe genderfluid to some extent. but my presentation is 100% fem, long "girl" hair, im short and cute, i dress in those short girl shorts and skirts. i dont hate it, i dont hate my appearance, my face, my hair. i think im cute, i like it. but it really hurts to think that people will look at me and think "girl" because that's obvious with my appearance, isnt it?

i hate it when im referred to with she/her pronouns. i hate when people use fem terms on me. i went from using she/her pronouns to secretly introducing myself to new online friends with he/they/she, then realising i dont like they/them pronouns. so i went to using he/she, but it irks me so much that when people are given a choice between those 2, some people still use she/her on me, which really makes me think is there something feminine in my personality that makes them choose that? so obviously i should use he/him, right? but idk. it feels like im outright lying to people, eventho i really dont like she/her.

i just feel like, i cant confidently say "yeah, im a boy" yet, with this fem appearance. i know that kind of stuff doesnt matter but it really bothers me, the gap between my gender and appearance. i look in the mirror and think "you cant possibly call this a boy, can you?". but at the same time i 100% recognise that face in the mirror as "me". theres no doubt about it, this person is definitely me, as girly as it is. but in my head i call myself a boy, and that person in my head is definitely me as well. it feels like ive split into 2 people, in some sense.

same goes for my name. its a strictly feminine name, but my brain like, doesnt 'register' the assigned gender with that name. its just a word to me. a word that a child was trained to respond to and reply with since young. in my head, this name is genderless, so im fine with it. i know other people dont think the same tho, when they see my name. so idk how to feel about that.

in the same vein, i cant confidently say im gay. i dont understand when people say that attraction they feel to other people is gay or straight, so i feel like my attraction to boys feels straight, which only makes me more confused. like so youre just a straight girl after all, huh? i used to get crushes easily but not anymore. i cant help but feel its because if i love anybody, theyre gonna see me as a girl. its gonna be a het relationship. i hate it, im not a girl, i dont want to be seen as one. at the same time what gay man is going to think someone with this appearance is a boy at all?

i cant even cut my hair. because honestly? i dont want to. i really do like my appearance. and i'll hate it even more if say, i went through with cutting it but people are still going to think girl, girl, girl. and imo not even a cute one when i look in the mirror. not to mention my family is going to have so much to say about it. and my country is not progressive at all, so i dont feel safe coming out to irl friends too.

i just feel so trapped irl. is this how the rest of my life is going to be? i dont know. its like lukewarm water to me. its not awful. but i can be happier. is it worth going through so much for a change im unsure of, tho? i dont have enough conviction to go and make a change because its like i dont have a strong enough motivation.

i recently made a new online friend. (i think) they see me as a boy because i introduced myself as a trans guy, and just thinking about that makes my chest fuzzy, im really happy about it. even better that they dont know my face or voice, so im definitely a boy to them. im so giddy about it, i literally stare at my profile and past texts with them and think "this is a boy texting, im their new guy friend".

i dont know.

Submitted February 18, 2023

[asiogie]

okay fine drops the dream bodyhair manifesto in ur askbox. fine. if u really insist. maybe i will. Okay i’ll do it. starting off strong we have the drarmpits (dream armpits). i always feel like pits r underrated on here and maybe just generally bc i dont ever see people other than me specifically talking about them most of the time. but i just think theres something so … idk how to put it into words but theres just something so human about them that i love likekee i just don’t know. anyways yeah buries my face in them or whatever. next!!! his chest. i dont think its like rewallly super hairy or anything but there’s enough there for me to think about and feel lightheaded doing so. his hairy fucking tits ….. moving swiftly on to one of my favourites. the happy drail :3 one of these days hes gonna reach up or stretch or something on camera that’ll give me a glimpse of his hairy stomach that i then just won’t let go of. it’ll be like that one photo of him sat in a laundry basket but a billion times worse which brings us onto his legs. his beautiful legs. one of the only sections of this that ive seen outside of my own uh Visions shall we say anyways i fucking love his legs theyre the perfect amount of hairiness and i want to floss my teeth on them who said that .. i’ve already mentioned it but that laundry basket photo is my favourite droto of all time i think (id put it here but im sure u know exactly the one i mean). i love all of em but that one is really special to meee. AND I ALMOST FORGOT. the drubes. again i need to bury my face here on my way down to- anyways Anyways. his beard .. idk if that counts but like its hair and on his body soo. i love the colour of it (i think that colour transfers to everything else ive talked about here tbh like that makes sense i think?) anyways something about beard burn goes here. and lastly his hair .. again maybe doesnt count but it’s hair on his body and i want to play w it as he catnaps on my lap etc. i could go on for hours like i could seriously wax poetic about dream and. his beautiful hairy tits. and there we go!! i hope this was enjoyable to read i had the best time picturing all this as i went. urm. dream my boyfriend who i kiss and bury my face in the chest of everyday Yippee!!!! im gonna write and publish a poetry book entirely about. the drody hair and nobody will ever know. except me and u and anyone who reads this. idk im just typing words at this point i feel rly dizzy i need to bury my head in his chest inneedd to smell him <- crazy person thing to say (tagged on the end of this okay. sure). anywaysss hands u the deepest darkest part of my brain drinks some chamomile tea and goes to sleeb for 10hrs zzz <3

really good fucking work anon just really great literature in the askbox today

[spikeinthepunch]

okayyy i finished the new ending in Lisa the Joyful so yeah, heres another long Lisa post. this will more so have a short list of what i did and didnt like of the game since i know opinions are often mixed. but ill have a long focus talking about the new content compared to the rest of the game. and will later go on about characterization and writing in detail.

Also while you can find a no commentary video for the new ending, almost all uploads skip an earlier portion of it, so I uploaded it myself! with timestamps.

TW for uhh the same triggers- sexual, physical, verbal abuse mostly.

SO OKAY. Okay.

The brief on the main game....

What I did like:

I like the general story. I enjoyed the horror of watching more and more joy mutants arriving, even some of the warlords being joy mutants already, and normal characters like the uhh shelf vendor guy being a mutant. additionally things like wearing a mask mattering. i think it was important to too still have some weirdos bc thats one of the key things in displaying the cycle of these men's behavior. music always good too of course. i enjoy Buddy's internal conflict too and i dont mind here characterization-- its just the pacing. I actually liked the epilogues a bit more than what the endings actually told us lol... tbh they carry more weight in terms of giving us information about the past. But the ones that hit hardest are the ones where Lisa tells Buzzo to mutilate her so her father wont want her anyways. and the one with Brad's father forcing him to drink alcohol and go with him to lisa's room (to presumedly watch his father abuse lisa).

What i didn't like:

the "original" endings (not the new definitive one) were weak and i am sure most feel that way. I think actually the issue for me is the choice... cuz playing with joy? well i think the "stay with them" makes sense as she gets more fucked up and unstable (and assume addicted). the joyless route makes me feel like i should fittingly take the "leave them" ending bc she is mentally aware enough to know she still hates what happened to her and wants to leave them behind. the choices of them feel conflicting to the routes you might choose but you dont think about it bc there is no consequence to taking joy! the pacing of course is a big complaint. cuz see i dont think the story or writing is horrible i just think it needed to be longer in order to expand on all those things rushed through. the ideas would feel good if the pacing didnt speed through it. the Yado epilogue is fine too but i think just left more questions than answers than the endings themself so i would have rather done without it imo.

As stated i will go WAY more into the characters after I talk about this new stuff. I will talk heavily about what happens in it too so feel free to read this later if you dont watch it... but you really should look at the new Painful and Joyful content as they also kinda go together.

NEW CONTENT..... kind of new ending, it plays directly into it. Unlike Painful where it doesnt alter the actual ending content. and i will go over the normal endings a bit more in relation to this bc of how it affects pacing etc...

So On one hand I like what it added and on the other hand it wasnt great-- which all plays into the games already existing pacing issues. Which is a shame. i liked collecting the items, the meaning of the statues (n the dialog being the same as the Painful one), and the exploration leading up to the warlord fight. I chose not to fight the warlords because they were so damn strong and I like that there was recognition for not fighting back. Idk if i feel like there was a good reason for them to be there but I think it at least gives more meaning to the warlords since they didnt DO that much in the game other than to be killed. Most had barely anything to say.

For the bigger Secret at the grave for Lisa-- I liked this a lot too actually. Getting to hear from the guys their thoughts about Buddy that is from the assumed context theyre already dead here (w how Sticky's death is mentioned esp) is just kinda nice. The further content with Berny and Dusty, where Berny tells him to fight harder and to treat girls with aggression.... yeah that hits. The cycle of abuse really just continues huh. The rest of it is fine, I feel like it does give some better commentary on character's thoughts but it is quite short, and is left on a more metaphorical note with the flowering skull and whatnot.

Now is the part I see more conflict on AGAIN and I dont blame people for being conflicted about it. I didnt mind the way Buzzo talked about Brad in the original-- I dont think that writing was an actual excuse to Brad, I think it was just Buzzo trying to blame himself instead for everything (the new contents dialog with the sticky/rick/cheeks also had good to say on Brad's behavior and not excusing it but talking about the abuse of drugs in the context of that). I did feel that the conversation wasnt enough in the original though, to fully imply that he was talking like that or to give a better conversation on drug abuse. Buuut here we are w the extended new dialog with Buzzo. I did like how he started getting more depressed and angsty about Lisa! And the comment "she would have loved it here" is interesting bc i feel the implication is that she would have loved being in a world where all these men are now gone. but let me move onto the rest bc like, that matters the most here.

woof okay. So Buddy goes off when Buzzo says that which i get. However this conversation falters in the same way the whole game does. Buddy gets a LOT of talking time here. And she kind of keeps going in a way that really doesnt feel plausible you know? The new stuff added more connection between her and Lisa but its not enough to make us think she should be defending Lisa. I think there couldve been a neat exploration of all this comparing to Lisa but Joyful doesnt have that time. While I cant claim it, Buddy's rant kiiinda feels like a rant from behind the scenes with how less in character it feels. Buzzo is made far more pathetic and I don't disagree with this realization that he'd dissolve into a little pathetic man, again the game just doesnt have the time to make it work better.

and dont even get me started on Buddy's inconsistent opinion on Brad... this is like, annoying and I mentioned it in relation to the ending choices. After this new dialog rant Buddy sounds like she is forgiving Brad/coming to realize things about him that gives her more understanding. And i think that is fine BUT the issue is that right after talking to Buzzo the game returns as normal and when she sees mutant Brad approach, she reacts with genuine upset at seeing him and comments how she never wanted to see him again :/

I know at this point there is no way they could have "salvaged" Joyful for this release-- that would be too much and I dont think itd be right to get rid of the old endings entirely (Painful didnt, nor did the new content change anything about it). Its a shame- some of it was good. some of it i think they just shouldnt have done (the end buzzo fight) because it just conflicted more/kind of highlights the pacing problems. if anything i think leaving out that buzzo rant would have made the rest of that feel like it did help the pacing because it gave a pause between the ending of the game. anyways.

CHARACTERIZATIONNNN

righto. i think i covered pacing enough so i will try and leave that out of every comment i make here lol.

So like, I dont have a problem with Buddy's intentions in the game exactly. Her actions in many ways make sense... at least I would say that its fine she is very violent. That is literally the main thing Brad taught her whether or not you look at the start scene of Joyful, it reflects in how she would always be told how dangerous the world is too. The pace of course, makes this all happen so fast.

And of course the biggest hit that I think turns off many is how much talking there is. I certainly love hearing more from characters, Brad was quiet because he was brad, yet no one else needs to be quiet too so i think thats fine. But with Buddy's life it seems like she should have been quiet until her mental state and mindset shifted due to her treatment and justification of violence. even in Painful she seems relatively quiet and Joyful takes place right after pretty much.

In terms of others-- Rando is fine, like hes not that bad. We didn't know him all to well and what we know of Dusty i expected him to be a nice kid, esp w the whole adopted thing. But his back and forth with Buddy was more annoying w how short the game was (doing things, wanting to run to the other place and being stopped for a scene at the campfire by force. repeat.) I did like the whole deal with his friends and later his death too. Buzzo so i dont completely hate buzzo minus the fast jump in the new content. but he was pretty unhinged in Painful and to see it completely drop seemed wrong. i do think it make sense he probably felt loads of guilt for brad... but we just again, didnt get enough time with these characters.

Other characters? Well i mentioned it above but the warlords did NOT get much of any character. Which sucks bc if those parts alone had been extended (their area being longer or more full of interactions) i think it would have helped the game too. In terms of the other antagonist, Bolo, considering he was new for this game I think he was just fine. His role was small in a good way and honestly when he did appear it was for good moments that worked. The whole scene with him, Rando, and Buddy where Buddy tries to save Rando was probably my favorite part lol? Simply bc i think it worked well for all of their characters. For all of them I think it was my favorite moment of characterization-- Buddy's choices to drop or hold him both work for her i think. And yikes, disgusting moment with Bolo. And I will be real, I think Joyful needed that. The game was short so i wouldnt have wanted more but, Painful had it uncomfortable and gross moments and I think that is important to an extent of really pushing the importance of narrative and experiences of Buddy (and reflecting Lisa).

uhhhhh yeah i think thats most of what I can say. iirc i wasnt around for the old kickstarter but Joyful was a stretch goal right? and i heard Austin isnt exactly happy with it either? its really really a shame that it was a stretch goal that felt forced. I get why it was a tempting goal for people but.... it just sucks bc its clear that is why this game turned out the way it did. i wonder often if him not doing much else with the series is simply bc joyful had to be the "conclusion" and its not one hes exactly happy with either. tbh the series could have just been Painful and it would be fine. but if Joyful wasnt a DLC i imagine it would have been likely we'd see a full fledged sequel instead and it sucks it had to go that way. i definitely dont hate the creator for it but itsucks for everyone that even the additions in Definitive cant fix what happened already with that game.

[quodekash]

the eclipse os2 episode commentary continued (bc i ran out of images in the first part)

goLFING???? OF ALL THE SPORTS. YOU CHOSE GOLF??????

its so boring

and yeah, theres not as much exercise in golf as there is in other sports like footy and cricket and stuff

OR SO YOU THOUGHT

you have to move back and forth and all around to collect the golf balls

idk much about golf tho

im not sure if ive ever played actual golf

i dont think id like it tho

the only golf i like is the director of the eclipse

and golf on the wii, thats fun

i got sidetracked talking about golf

shARING ROOMS BASED ON THE TEAMS??? damn wat, you're brutal

hes probably just trying to keep his mind as clear as possible, which wont happen if the couples sleep in the same rooms as each other lmao

"to be honest, im worried about thua" well what on earth does that mean

are you just referencing all the times you were worried about thua when he was hanging out with aye

ARE YOU SPECIFICALLY REFERENCING THE TIME THUA WAS AT YOUR HOUSE STUDYING, AND YOU SAID "youre always spending time with aye, im jealous" (or something along those lines) AND THEN COVERED IT UP SAYING YOURE JUST WORRIED ABOUT HIM??

ARE YOU SUBTLY TRYING TO SAY YOURE JEALOUS OF AYE COS YOU CANT SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOUR BOYFRIEND??

cos if so

i. i picked up on that. and that feels important for everyone to know. and now you know.

"aye. dont touch thua" lmao calm down bro

(read this to the tune of the sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g song from when we were like 12) WAT AND NAMO, SHARING A ROOM. F-U-C---

"so what did you and aye argue about?" "...we didnt" bro dont lie

in all honesty, aye gives great advice. like, he always seems to know the right thing to say to help someone make a decision and stuff

oh no

communication issues

why must there be communication issues

pls guys just talk to each other

akk, all you gotta do is tell aye how youre feeling

thua, all you gotta do is tell kan what you would like and need

aye and kan, listen

its really simple, guys, its really not hard at all in the slightest

jeez thats a standoff and a half (note: wat is leaning on namo's shoulder. just something for everyone to observe.)

bro why do you have to be shirtless

thank you namo for saying what we're all thinking

aight theyre all playing in the water now, and playing in the water tends to make akk and aye feel better and stuff

THEY ALL LOOK LIKE THEYRE HAVING SO MUCH FUN

NO IM GONNA CRY AGAIN

BUT ENTIRELY BC I LOVE THIS GROUP SO MUCH

THE HAPPINESS IS STRONG

noooooo namo dont have an existential crisis about graduating and growing up and saying goodbyes and potentially never seeing your friends again, you'll set me off into one of my own

"will you forget me?" "we will." lmao rip namo i guess

damn that phone is loud, how can they hear it over the river. its almost like... like it was edited in in post or something. hmmmmmmmmm

of coURSE AKK'S BIRTHDAY ISNT BROUGHT UP TIL AYE LEAVES THE AREA

its fine tho bc aye knows its akk's birthday. right? he knows, right? im sure he knows. hes gonna surprise akk. r i g h t ? ? ?

i like these funky little friendship bonding sessions, its very nice

sponsorship timeeeee

THEY USE THE SAME PRODUCTS- SOBBING AGAIN

i know they probably bought them at the same time from the same store or something but thats not the point its still super cute

COMMUNICATION ISSUES WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME

JUST SAY WHAT YOURE THINKING

YOUVE BOTH LITERALLY SAID TO EACH OTHER 'youre allowed to be weak. at least around me.'

SO BE FREAKING WEAK, TELL HIM EVERYTHING ON YOUR MIND SO THAT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER BETTER AND MAKE UP AND BADABING BADABOOM HAPPINESS

SONG??

SONG

SONGGGG

is song the way that they communicate

i knew this would happen. i literally know this would happen.

just cos theyre assigned different rooms to their partners, it doesnt mean theyre gonna actually abide by those rules. theyre just gonna switch. badabing badaboom everyone is gay

"can you stop asking already?" "why?" "if you dont stop talking, how can i kiss you?" brooooooo

IT'S LIKE EPISODE 7, BUT BETTER, BECAUSE THEY ACTUALLY SUCCEED THIS TIME

GOOD JOB, GAYS GUYS, YOU DID IT. IM PROUD OF YOU. COS MAN EPISODE 7 WAS FRUSTRATING

but its all good now

THEY BOTH PLAY GUITAR

HOW WAS I NOT AWARE OF THIS

OHHH AKK IS LEARNING GUITAR

GRJHBGDK

okay theyre talking to each other, finally

its gonna end in another argument probably but at least akk is getting towards telling aye how hes making him feel rn and theyre communicating and working it out

aye, ily, and i know youre tryna make him feel better, but this isn't solving the problem

yeah hes cute when hes angry, but he doesnt like being angry with you because (as he has just tried to tell you) it makes him feel like youre aggravating him on purpose for no reason and makes him question your relationship.

akk, youre also at fault here because you didnt talk to him sooner about your thoughts and feelings

but right now in the current moment aye is being a little bit mean and a little bit silly (but not silly in the fun way)

theyre making out now tho. but they still havent made up.

its fine, theyll get to that tomorrow.

well, technically tonight. it's 2am.

speaking of that tho, IVE FINISHED THE EPISODE, FINALLY

talk about time blindness, it takes me three times the amount of time that the episode actually takes to watch it

final thoughts: i am excited for tomorrow (tonight??), this episode was very very very good, the eclipse makes me happy, happy is good, i need to go to sleep

goodnight folks! this will be even more incoherent next episode because ill be even more exhausted than i am now! byebyeeeeee

[yveltalreal]

for both: how do you feel about family

Yveltal: It's all I know, isn't it? Ever since the beginning, it was Xerneas, Me, and Zygarde. Of course, there was a beginning before that. There were other legends before that, but I Palkia, Dialga, and Giratina... they aren't siblings. They existed long before us. Same with Arceus. Especially true for Arceus. I need to have family because if I don't have one, if someone cannot look at me and go "That's Yveltal, they're like family to me" then what am I? What am I except the hurt? I need to be the love as well, don't I? I love them both. I love them a lot, and I love the others too. Maybe it was a mistake to love them like friends and children, rather than axes and hammers. To treat them as family rather than tools. Who knows. I am nothing without them. I miss them. I miss Zygarde, even if they hurt us. Maple: i think its complicated. i love my parents. they arent the best. they sucked. they were busy. but i love them. they learned. theyre trying better. they love me. its whatever. my mom especially though. i remember talking to her. she didnt want to be him. she didnt want to be her either, so she ran. she thought that if she wasnt there maybe her love wouldnt be so strong that it hurt. thats what she told me. word for word. i get it. i love a lot too. it took her a lot longer. it took her so much longer to not be afraid. she was always afraid that if she looked at me too hard that id snap. that her hands werent made for holding a child. she didnt want me. she didnt treat me like she wanted me. i mean she wasnt cruel but she just wasnt there. it took almost losing her to realize everything. for her to be there. i love her. i love her a lot. i love them all. but i dont know. sometimes at night, i wonder if they really do care, or if its the bare minimum. i wonder how long that would have gone on, a child alone in a house filled with pokemon until the end of time if grandma didnt find us.

and my brother. i love my new brother. im glad hes never going to experiance what i did. but hes so small and scared. just like my mother. but unlike her i am built for hurting. a whole body staying alive because of the stolen life of others. hes so small. hes so fragile. when i look at him i know what my mom felt and i know she felt it worse. its fine. im not his parent. im his sibling and by arc am i going to be a good one.

and outside of them. outside of blood. where does it begin and end. aspen and jaime? im married to them. we're legally family. and i love them like that. and tori shes my sister and law now but she was kinda like family too. and estelle. family friends is just family to my family, sometimes, and shes a family friend. my grandma wants her to call her grandma as well. shes like a cousin. even if i cant remember when we knew eachother when we were little well i remember knowing her now. at least a little. tami is like my mom, even if shes an absol. same with most of my moms pokemon actually. one of the few things i can remember as a kid is them all gathering around as solar taught them how a first aid kit worked. it was so interesting watching a beeheeyem try to explain things to the others even if i couldnt understand that the bad scrape i had stopped hurting. and pickle. shes been here forever. well not forever. but shes been with me for like over 10 years. what is she? a sister? idk. shes my partner. shes my starter. and heph is also kinda like family even if ive had her for less than a year and theres dash and theres bibi and glacier and little and. storm. im rambling. i love them. theyre family too. i love them a lot.

anyways family is a choice, but sometimes youre obligated to make a certain choice, i think.

[transgenderer]

if you would be so kind, I'm doing a strange little survey. can you give me roughly one sentence opinions on each of the following things:

the holy trinity

ijtihad

the market

nightcore

swimming (as in, the sport)

singapore

the indie game dev scene

the orang pendek

the tv show "the x files"

gnosticism

fortran

4chan

recreational contraband

if you don't have strong opinions on any of them, feel free to hazard a guess but please don't skip any.

holy trinity: really weird and silly. unlike many weird and silly religious things, not even fun. its just straightforwardly nonsense, and like, they know its nonsense! they call it a mystery! what do you mean a mystery, a guy came up with it! also, who gives a shit about the holy spirit. ive discussed this at length before. the trinity is so dumb. just say jesus is his own dad, and sometimes he talks to himself cuz hes kind of dramatic! its fine! (or maybe say they WERE together and then split and then reunified? idk. its not important, just pick something that makes sense

itijihad: okay so if youre going to insist that your body of law is actually all based on some original text, youre gonna need to get reallll interpretive with that text. this is kind of stupid but also maybe a good legitimacy technique? anyway, to this end it seems like a good thing. i have kind of a hate-on for the hadiths because theyre just like, transparently made up, but they wont admit theyre made up, which i hate. if youre gonna stick to a document, stick to a document! dont make up your own rules and then lie and say they were from the original document (guy). ugh. to the extent that they deemphasize hadiths, good

the market: ive had some thoughts lately about the market. this inspired me to make a post about it.

nightcore: i like uptempo stuff but hate the high voices. i feel like it wouldnt be that hard to use like, some sort of techniques to make normal-voice nightcore. or just record uptempo covers. i wish this was more of a thing

swimming: seems kind of annoying. its like running but theres no scenery so its even more boring and also you need access to a pool. and you have to like clean yourself up after. and ALSO your breath is restricted. generally seems bad.

singapore: singapore seems cool and i wish it wasnt a dictatorship. like city states are cool, and its cool that its like rich and tropical and hyperdense and kinda technocratic but yknow. democracy good or whatever. hoping they pull a taiwan and democratize but not super expecting it

the indie game dev scene: i like it a lot! i mostly play indie games. indie games are great. i mean i love nintendo and al but the weird new stuff is mostly in the indie game scene, they seem to like, serve my desires considerably more (like, the metroidvania scene is almost all indie). also its full of auteurs! love an auteur.

orang pendek: it just looks like an orangutan? i feel like its probably just an orangutan. like its not clear whats even supposed to distinguish. surely orangutans walk on their back feet sometimes. or idk, some other primate. theres a bunch of primates in borneo and sumatra. it might be an undiscovered one but its pretty big and usually big things get found fast

the x files: i started it and didnt like it. i feel like i dont really "get it"? it seems really weird and silly and the writing wasnt doing much for me. it felt like, intentionally unsatisfying which was annoying

gnosticism: i like how its got a lot of like, "lore", thats fun. its kind of fun to reference, it has an almost-coherent theodicy which i respect. afaik its probably like mostly made up, as accusations against whoever the real gnostics were, but yknow, whatever, its kind of cool

fortran: seems bad! iirc my mom had to learn fortran. the idea of super high performance computing is cool but also like, it seems like it would be really boring irl. it would be kind of cool to do CS in ye olde times when it was actually practical for civilian (so to speak) uses.

4chan: just as men are the high-variance gender, 4chan is the high-variance social media. unfortunately negative variance will rot your brain. i think using 4chan habitually makes you a worse person, in like, a direct causal sense, it encourages neuroticism. but also the things people harvest from there are often really good, so theyre sort of making a sacrifice for the rest of us

recreational contraband: im a fan! lots of contraband is fun. drugs. pirating. etc

[spatio-rift]

Sakuma will have parent that don't care about him,that why he so jalous or idk about kidou

Im the person about the ie timeline

Je suis pas fraiçais-e mais marocain-e

interesting.... i admit i dont really see how the two would correlate especially given kidous own family situation but maybe im just not understanding this the way you mean it so if you want to elaborate on why you think this i am all ears! as for what i personally think i will be honest i might have something of a controversial understanding of shin teikoku (?) because i genuinely dont think it says anything really significant about sakuma as a character... so im not a huge fan of using shin teikoku as a reference for his characterization or for drawing conclusions about other aspects of his life. but of course that is just me and everyone is free to do whatever they want im not here to police anyone on this.

also do keep in mind that i like the way these events unfold in the game more so thats what my reference is rather than the anime. so maybe we are already speaking about completely different things but here goes. this is long as hell so under a readmore this one goes too

to me shin teikoku doesnt really say much about sakuma and genda as people because so much of the 'issues' it brings to light are relevant on fudous manipulation and literal brainwashing using the aliea meteorite lol. also, the issue in the first place isnt something that is really proper to them or sakuma alone... the feelings fudou exploits to get them to join shin teikoku are something all of teikoku have experienced: the frustration of being stuck in the hospital, their humiliating defeat against zeus making them feel powerless, the slight bitterness about kidou leaving them and the subsequent awkwardness preventing them from staying in contact (they didnt want to be a bother while he was with raimon). even the desire to see through kidous eyes for once instead of just watching his back is something they all have felt--thats the kind of leader kidou was for teikoku, he led by example. he had to be the best to guide everyone else. hes not the kind of captain that walks beside you like endou is.

but the thing is, ultimately, their love of kidou is stronger than any of those negative feelings towards him. the other members of teikoku are fine. they respect kidous decision, even if its a little awkward and they miss him. none of them are self-destructively jealous and resentful of him. not naturally.

to me it could have been anyone from teikoku, because they all felt this way on some level, and they all could have been manipulated into joining shin teikoku (and also, rather than any personal characterization moment or growth, the purpose of having teikoku members in this chapter is more about them being used by kageyama to hurt kidou 🙃).

what fudou does with genda and sakuma is that he pushes and pushes until he pokes at these feelings deep inside, and strikes when theyre shaken and in doubt. genda and sakuma, on some level, worry that kidou abandoned them and that theyre not strong enough. what does fudou do, then? he keeps putting them down, criticizing them when they mess up, insulting them, so they feel even worse about themselves. he keeps insisting that kidou threw them away, that he left them all to rot, that he stabbed them in the back, so they feel actual anger and resentment towards him. coupled with the use of the aliea meteorite to literally brainwash them into doing things they dont want to. (they dont willingly use beast fang and kp1 btw. in sakumas own words, in the brief moment when he breaks free of the aliea brainwashing, "R-run! [Kidou], get out of here! Y-you don't stand a chance if you take him on now... He's going to make us use that special move!")

to come back to the jealousy aspect and wanting to get a taste of kidous power, thats something they admit to only realizing through this whole ordeal. thats not something they consciously felt before. and even then when they briefly broke free of the brainwashing, while they admitted wanting to feel as powerful as kidou, they urged him to flee because they didnt want to hurt him. so even if they ARE jealous in a way, i feel like its more of a "i want to be strong too" thing than a "i want to be better than kidou and stick it to him, specifically" thing, personally? <- im only mentioning this because ive occasionally seen some people talk about shin teikoku in that way kinda and its like. wild to me

if anything i think that arc says a lot more about kidou and his past relationship with the team and how they can change to grow into something more healthy (closing the gap between them by having kidou let them come close to him and for them to stop relying on and admiring him so much. incidentally, this is pretty much exactly what happens to kidou and sakuma in ie3! they are much more like actual close friends now, with no invisible line drawn between them!) than sakuma and genda themselves.

errrm all in all i dont think sakuma ever was particularly jealous of kidou out of shin teikoku or at least not any more than the others. his feelings just were taken advantage of and exploited by fudou and kageyama. also, the brainwashing is a huge part of it and i wish people acknowledged that more. sorry for going on a massive tangent about shin teikoku like this over this one short ask thats something ive always wanted to talk about in some way and well this was the occasion !

[the-rxven-king]

Still thinking about Amadeus all these years later 💕

Got any OCs you're currently obsessed with atm? The council of I Heart Amadeus would like to know, oh great one of many fabulous OCs~

THE WAY YOURE STILL HERE AND THINKING ABOUT HIM ALMOST MADE ME C RY LIKE

idk who you are and idk if i ever will but know that i think about you sometimes cause it makes my heart so happy that someone loves one of my characters so much even tho i get scared to talk about them more often cause i dont wanna be obnoxious, you are always amadeus anon in my heart and i love you pls come into my inbox whenever you want to ask about whatever i will try to answer quickly sometimes it just takes a while for my brain to feel ready but i will Always try to answer questions about my ocs

i will ramble about some of my characters under a cut i dont wanna flood anyones dash with my bullshit if they dont want it!!! anyone playing in a campaign with me..... proceed with caution if you read!!! even tho i am coming back to this after deciding i needed to be done and. i didnt say too much spoilery shit. i didnt even talk backstory much. its fine.

as for ocs im obsessed with i am Entirely Not Normal about my character nowell, i wasnt fully normal about him when i first made him, but at the time i was only really talking to my ex and all the parts of nowell that really made him Nowell to me were things he didnt want to discuss so i didnt get to explore him to his full capacity. i dont blame him since nowell is one of the darkest characters??? ive ever made???? in terms of the things hes gone through? i affectionately call him a walking trigger warning. but it still made me sad sometimes

now tho? when i was able to put him into a modern horror dnd campaign and i played him a bit before our current hiatus? where ive gotten to fully explore him and every single facet of him, good and bad? it really unleashed him fully in my brain and it kinda makes me really emotional. i fully developed his backstory out more than i felt i could before (because what did it matter before if i could never utilize it? had to dull him down to be easier to deal with and honestly i think thats had an effect on his character now too) and ive learned more about him, hes grown into himself and he truly is out here changing my brain chemistry. i love him so, so, so much and i have drawn him more than any other oc i have im pretty sure. hes my most drawn son and i really wish i was braver about posting oc art on my blog now a days like i used to be in the past because i love my art of him. im pretty proud of it and the way hes made me want to create again. i just wish i could do him more justice yknow??? g uh hes everything to me im holding him so so gently in my arms

and also my boy veth???? g o d i love him sm especially since i!!! recently got to confirm/drop a big lore reveal about him in my campaign thats been going for like 2 years at this point!!! my party finally knows hes the only survivor of the royal family of kuzania and thus the rightful heir to the throne and not the BBEG whose currently ruling! i feel So Free now that i can mention his princely-ness truly i do. hes just. so sweet and so lovely and hes everything i love in a character cause truly i just accidentally made My Type in a man and now its just veth. the only way he could be even more my type is if he was a tiefling instead of an elf but he makes up for that by being like. 1/4 platinum shadow dragon. and one day thats gonna pop out with him i know it to be so. i want him to be able to have a bit of a draconic-ish form because of how STRONG that 1/4 dragon blood is. im gonna work on it eventually, but im v happy with him hes so pretty and i adore him

he also recently canonically got with a PC in the campaign (hes a main story npc!!!) and im So Not Normal About Them theyre driving me up a wall and i literally cried over them earlier this week because my friend came at me with a fuckin baseball bat of an answer to a vague scenario/question i told them about cause im batshit and think about character scenarios every day of my life.

im also leaving my setting for that campaign open for friends who arent playing in it to make characters and throw em in and one of my friends made an au of a character she already had that im Deeply And Completely Obsessed With named creed to put him into this world specifically to date veth cause theyre obsessed with veth like i am their chara and we had joked like "aha what if we just picked them up like barbies and made them kiss just to see if it worked out" and now they are literally The Couple Ever. like there have never been 2 men who were more perfect for each other in this entire world and the way they have a fuckin grip on me. i have also cried over them several times. veth is a poly king and by GOD is he winning rn. we have made this au version of creed canon in stadalon so veth is gonna have TWO boyfriends!!!! perhaps 2 husbands! perhaps 3!!!! cause another friend has an oc to kiss him with!!! we shall see!!!!

guuuuh and also my vampire spawn shadow genasi/tiefling requiem??? recently hes been So Loud in my head. i specifically made him to romance a character my friend made (same one who made creed) named harbinger cause i saw him and immediately fell head over heels and begged her to let me kiss him and other friends in the call at the time he was shown immediately jumped on the bandwagon wanting to make characters in relation to him (2 of them made siblings for him, theyre triplets! and the other just decided to make the most normal man ever (a fuckin lie. theyre Not Fucking Normal) because of the triplets happening and me being like imma out-goth this goth tiefling and out came requiem) and the last friend in call decided hell why not make a whole campaign out of these losers just for this One Blue Tiefling Our Friend Made That We All Love.

in campaign shit is Constantly Happening but me and them were talking and she told me that harbinger is finally starting to get to a point hes falling for him and requiems already been there cause hes disney prince ass level falls hard and fast. im cheering and screaming and kicking and crying i love them so much we keep talking future scenarios for them and im so deeply in love with how soft and gentle and adoring theyre going to be with one another one day and i would die for them both.

plus i just. Love requiem sm hes such a big soft sad bastard and the fact that he loves and cares so fuckin deeply and hes so kind? so open? so genuine? was not in the plans when i first sat down to play him he was supposed to be more moody and a bit more intense than he is now. he held my face before i even opened my mouth to play him and said no. i am kind. i am patient and understanding and i was born to love and to take care of people. i have also cried over him. i love him so so much and im just guuuUUUH yknow what i mean.

anyway. ill leave it at those 3!!! or i will never shut up!!! i have more ive been thinking about a lot recently but i will leave it at my 3 most precious blorbos if you made it this far i adore you pls take all my love

[blu3m4rz]

i’ve been tiering in idv again lately which gives me incentive to actually play so here are some of my bad opinions

justification lmao:

moonlit goes crazy i’m sorry it’s actually fun to look at AND fun to play which is apparently a lot to ask of netease. like it feels like they don’t know how to make strong designs that also play well its one or the other except for moonlit which while i consider sacred heart to be better technically, moonlit gets a boost for doing well in both categories. also clowns. i fricken love the hullabaloo characters. also its well lit. i hate the dark maps grrr

sacred heart is so fun, everything feels intentionally placed. also the gate placements are good i like that. its kind of boring but thats fine they cant all be bangers. good map. best in the game 20/10.

church, china town and factory are maps that i actually like playing. i’m not as big a fan of china town functionally but its up with church and factory because its pretty and feels like it has a clear vision. like i KNOW factory and church are plot relevant but that doesnt make them less boring. especially for someone like me who doesnt really care about the lore much anymore. my main complaint is for factory, i like the layout, i like the factory even though i hate when survs go in there god. but the fires everywhere lag my game like crazy, idv already has terrible ping we don’t need the game struggling to do smoke effects.

i want to like lakeside and eversleeping so damn bad like they’re actually interesting maps compared to church, sacred heart and factory which all feel the same to me, but eugh theyre just not fun to play on. i appreciate eversleepings use of levels but its just too small and doesnt feel like it has very many strong kiting spots to me? (could be wrong i havent played surv in a while but as hunter the kiting spots feel kind of weak). i also don’t like that the boat is alllllll the way down at one end of the map.... mmmm i really like that one spot beside the ship tho idk what its called its fun 2 play.

leos memory is ASS which sucks because like i love leo and i like the snowballs and it SHOULD be fun but it sucks to play on. everythings too dark the snow makes it hard to see and eughhh its like watching one of those movies where you cant see shit like its lame and you dont know whats happening in a bad way. if i lose a surv i want it to be because i messed up or they did something smart not because of some stupid snow and dark environment eugh.

not controversial i know. i have never met anyone who likes asylum or cave. they both suck to play theyre terrible to navigate and i hate them so much why are they even in the game they totally ruin 99% of characters abilities its the worst thank god they arent rank maps. cave is a little bit more enjoyable than asylum. it doesnt fill me with an unstoppable rage like asylum does but i still hate it. too bad too because i like norton a lot.

you get the picture i hate this game okay bye.

[moonglittering]

💍👑 🍭!!

✨ @tenderpulsive. meme. still accepting!

💍 – What style engagement ring would your muse like best? What is their ring size?  

answered here! virote likes oddball, weird looking rings that break the conventions of the regular, princess cut diamond. no diamonds, period!!! like if the ring has to have some type of gemstone, make it something like. idk. cool. morganite, amethyst, pearl, onyx, etc!!

👑 – How do you feel about royalty AU’s or Arranged Marriage AU’s?

vi’s already in his royalty au. he’s space royalty so i cannot comment on him being in an actual royal au! i think royalty au’s are fine, i don’t have a strong opinion on diff au’s. theyre just different circumstances and setting to explore. as for arranged marriage au’s, i also don’t have an opinion on them because virote would fucking NEVER. lol.

he don’t even like when his friends try to hook him up with someone.

i’ll say this: if anyone ever tried to shimmy virote into a marriage he didn’t ask for, the only arrangement that’s gonna be made is their funeral. he’s already told his family this too... glfjglkfd. i dont care about arranged marriage au’s simply because my muse is someone that cannot be set up into loving someone. not even if that person was perfect for him.

outside of vi, i don’t feel one way or another about them.

🍭 – What are some thoughtful gift ideas to get your muse?

depends on what it is… he’s a practical gift type, both giving and receiving. like, if he makes someone a gift, its something they can use. like a bath oil mixture or some handmade bookmarks or hand painted plates… something that specifically caters to that person. if that person loves roses, vi compiles a bunch of rose stuff. rose flavored drinks, candies, rose infused salt, rose infused vodka if they enjoy a good alcohol gift. stuff like that! makes them a coaster made with dried petals and resin…

anyway im driftin off topic lol. he loves handmade gifts! since no one can truly buy him anything since he has everything he wants if it can be bought, he definitely prefers the handmade route. preferably art or candles… custom perfume mix….. sigh…. but you know what, as long as someone put their work and sincerity into the gift, he’ll love it!

trinkets, unless theyre from a local shop and made w. love, have no effect on him.

even when he receives flowers, he likes flowers that he can use for something later. but honestly if he’s given plants, he’d rather be giving a bundle of herbs tied together with twine.

[freshmincedbeef]

how abt peach for the char ask thingy

smiles and makes a squeaky sound like a chew toy

sexuality: BISEXUAL!!

gender: trans girl :)

ship: i used to ship her with captain syrup from warioware... ive also been fond of mario and peach lately but only in specific contexts. i dont like them as a mushroom kingdom power couple that has 2.5 children but i like when theyre just kinda chill and cute about it in a puppy love way. i liked them a lot in Galaxy

brotp: toadsworth i wish he showed up more... i also feel like she'd get along well with o'chunks and king sammer. also luigi she and luigi are so best friends :)

notp: luigi. and mario in the aforementioned contexts that i dont like

random headcanon: i like to think that after the events of super paper mario she hosts a tea party for everyone ^_^ bowser and mario and luigi and merlon and the minions. and they chat about whatever

general opinion: i like peach a lot shes one of my favorite characters... idk why i like her shes just very cute and elegant. (peach fan whos about to talk about the 2023 mario movie voice) i wish the mario movie hadnt changed her personality so much they turned her into a generic badass girl. i liked the story of the movie i liked peach being more assertive it was a fine movie but THEY FUCKED UP HER PERSONALITY SO BADDDDD!!!!!!!! completely removed any feminimity from her personality and made her a typical action movie babe. ik its a kids movie and they probably wanted her to be badass in a way thats like. noticeable. in your face. to inspire the kiddos. but idk there are a lot of times in the past where shes self sufficient or strong or tough but in a dainty way that fits with her girly princess personality. and in the movie it felt like they do not see femininity as having the capacity to be any of those things so they wiped the girlishness from her personality. and now shes a basic action movie heroine with a painfully obvious romance with the male action movie hero (another context of mario x peach that i do not like). anyway. i like playing as peach in any possible game that will allow me to do so bc shes very pretty ^_^

[heptasepta]

trans day of visibility and other thoughts

i have mixed feelings about this because i really dont know if im trans (nb) or not (cis guy). this isnt actually the first time ive questioned my gender, since i presented as a trans woman during 2020-2021 during covid. basically ive kinda liked the idea of being a girl for a while but certain circumstances made me untrans myself.

the first thing was that i was lazy and didnt want to go through the hoops that was mtf transitioning. also the thought of going out in public as a trans girl was scary but at home it was fine. i know this sounds cowardly but i just didnt really want to deal with that kind of crap so i just didnt. the second and arguably the more important one is that i think i falsely attributed the source of my unhappiness with being a cis guy and not the lack of a strong support circle and zero intimacy with people close to me.

while I do have friends, both online and irl (these days i talk more to irl friends) i still feel somewhat empty as well. not to mention the friends i made years ago dont really keep in contact with me. i try to reach out sometimes and we talk about whatevers been going on but after that its not much else. then they move on, only talking to me when i initiate something to them. i know this is also my fault too because i sometimes dont reach out to talk but it actually really sucks when youre too socially anxious both online and irl so any attempt at socializing comes across as desperate or inexperienced (with how to talk online) like genuinely i feel like im still stuck in 2021 despite the covid lockdowns being over years ago. i also never share anything about myself, not to my family, or people online. because of this i dont really know who i am and its been like this for years now.

i have doodles and papers and text documents full of ideas but i never share them because theyre always in a state of incompleteness and i dont want people to see what my work "couldve" looked like rather than what it actually looks like, without any proof that there existed earlier versions that id rather not talk about since i believe it shows a its imperfection which i know is a stupid thing to believe but at this point i dont really know. hopefully someday ill get it out there but for now, no.

also theres the fact that i really want to make stuff again but i havent, which i keep blaming on being in school but i think its just an excuse for me to keep doing this rigorous anime and video game consumption. i made myself basically a schedule for watching anime and playing video games that i follow diligently. the video game schedule isnt as strict but idk i feel like the past 5 years ive done nothing but watch content or whatever and not creating anything. i keep telling myself that once i "catch up" to enough shows/movies/games/whatever but its just an endless cycle at this point, also considering how slow i watch things, usually one episode a day is all i can tolerate so i dont know why i keep doing this. or maybe im lazy/depressed idk???

i dont really know what the future holds, i just hope i can get out of whatever this is.