#idk my anxiety has been Going lately. couldn’t sleep last night so I took some Benadryl

[badolmen]

Not a bad first impression or a good first impression but some secret third thing (a normal first impression that went well but that I am stressing over for no particular reason)

[generallybarzy]

i loved you first.

an: I wrote this mostly a couple nights ago when I was listening to my "ouch" playlist and sobbing so hard I got a 48-hour migraine over the fact that I'll never see my crush again and I can't do anything about it because a) I'm moving in less than a month and leaving everything I know behind and b) he has a girlfriend. But that emotion eventually evolved into "i'm never gonna see some of my best friends again after we move away from each other next month" and that just turned me into this big pit of anxiety where I felt like time was just moving too fast but not at all and I'll miss everything if I don't go do something. So. I was fucking sad and this was the result. completely unedited angst. probably sucks ass, but that's how I'm feeling right now. Anyway, I don't know if you've noticed, but I haven't really been around for a few days. I deleted all my asks so if you had something sent, its gone, and i'm just popping in to post this. idk when I'll be back this time, but i'm trying to take care of my irl relationships and moving and college and all that and it hurts a lot more than i can explain and everythings putting my anxiety through the roof lately. anyway........

song inspo: i loved you first- joan

word count: 2.3k

"You keep running away when I need you most

Running away when I get too close

My heart is full but yours is running out

I think I'm afraid of what comes next

Yeah, I'm afraid you've lost your head

Baby, you know that I loved you first

But now, you're in love with somebody else."

Mat was losing you.

You were his best friend. You'd grown together, laughed together, made stupid decisions together in the wake of your last breakup, he always came to to with his troubles, and, as much as he hated hearing the way your ex treated you, he kept his mouth shut and kept being the shoulder you needed to cry on again and again.

And Mat had been in love with you for as long as he could remember.

Ever since the night of your breakup, he'd been waiting for the right moment to tell you how he felt. You were fresh out of a breakup, and he knew that was the worst time to say anything, so he kept quiet. He helped you get yourself out there and smile once again. He brought that beautiful, gleaming smile back to your face. And it warmed his heart to know he had helped bring some of the sunshine back to your life. He waited and waited, comforting you after all your bad first dates and keeping his cool when you came over for movie night. He tried to ignore the way his heart pounded when you circled your arms around his waist and mumbled "At least I'll always have you, Maty." He tried his hardest to calm his heart and keep his eyes on the movie while you cuddled up with him, wearing his clothes, but the light of his TV betrayed him and lit up the way you were smiling against his chest, deep in sleep, safe and comfortable in his hoodie. He didn't tell you how he felt, all those years. He couldn't lose what he had of you in trying to get more. He would be happy with just this for now.

You rested against his chest, unaware of the way Mat was staring at you as if you'd put the stars in the sky all for him. He was so ready to give you his all, to tell you everything he wanted to say, to finally get to call you his, and hear you call him yours. He leaned down to ghost his lips across your cheek, letting the words fall before he even realized his mouth was moving.

"I love you so much, more than you'll ever know."

Maybe he said the words then because he knew you wouldn't hear, maybe he was afraid of actually telling you, afraid of the chance that he would scare you away with how full his heart was. But he didn't mind. He said it, and as long as he knew he loved you, he'd be content with staying like this for a while while you picked yourself back up and regained your confidence. Once you weren't still reeling from your breakup, he'd let it out. He'd tell you for real.

But then, one of your first dates went well.

He'd gotten his usual post-date text from you, the one he always made you promise to send just so he knew you were safe. He expected another letdown, a list of all the things wrong with your date, or ways they were just like your ex. Instead, you were gushing. Mat couldn't stand the hope in your messages, the way you were so excited, rambling on and on about this guy. He wanted to be happy for you, he wanted to be glad you were finding someone you liked, but he couldn't help feeling the pain from the sting that someone was actually taking you away from him again.

Soon, your movie nights together as friends were overtaken by date nights, and Mat was left alone in his apartment, sitting on the couch you used to cuddle him on, wearing the hoodie you loved to steal, and watching the TV show you introduced him to, half heartedly checking your snap story to see you in the middle of a date with him. He tried to hide his jealousy whenever you spoke of your boyfriend, he tried to appear proud and excited for you, but the hard truth he didn't want to face was that he was losing you. He was losing his best friend, the person he loved the most.

He didn't know when this started. He didn't know how to stop it, but you were pulling away from him. And that scared him. Mat couldn’t stand watching you fall more and more in love with this guy, not when he was right there, willing to give you all the love he had in his heart.

You were the one Mat went to on his worst days. The days when he felt like a waste of space, like he'd never amount to anything more than he was. The days it seemed like the weight of everyone's expectations was about to make him crumble to his knees. The days he needed you most. It only took a quick 'you free tonight? I need you.' text, and you knew exactly the state he was in. 'Of course Mat, I'm always free for you.' But ever since you started dating this guy, his texts went unanswered, unseen, and he was left alone on his hardest nights, with harsh reminders that the girl he loved was falling in love with somebody else right in front of his eyes, while he could do nothing but watch.

This guy had no right to come between you two. After all, Mat had loved you first.

He had comforted you for years over your shitty boyfriends, and this newest guy was no exception. Mat would still find himself, on rare nights, holding you in his arms while you sobbed about how your boyfriend made you cry again, whispering to Mat that 'at least I know you would never do this to me'. But the next day you were gone, running away from him as if you'd never snuggled up in his arms for comfort, as if the late-night conversations meant nothing to you.

'You're right, I would never do this to you." He thought to himself, watching you toy with the sleeve of his sweater and snuggle into his chest to dry your eyes with your best friend's warmth. "So why do you keep going back to the man who hurt you, when I'm right here?'

Mat had so much he wanted to say, and though he didn't want you to run away again, he could only hold his tongue for so long.

"I'm so glad you invited me out for lunch, Mat. He's been such an ass lately, so I'm glad to get away. It's been a while since we talked, yeah?"

Mat couldn't bring himself to answer. God, his heart was throbbing in his chest. He loved you so much, but you were falling in love with an asshole who didn't treat you right. You looked so beautiful sitting across the table from him. The sun was gleaming off your hair, but the beauty was made sour by the necklace that sat around your neck, the necklace your boyfriend had given you on your 3 month anniversary. Mat swallowed back his nerves. "(Y/N), I need to be honest with you."

Any trace of happiness on your face was gone, replaced with dread. Part of Mat felt like shit for making you feel like that, but another, more sinister part, felt a little glimmer of revenge. You'd been running away from him for months, abandoning your best friend for some shitty boyfriend who you still cried over to him, and maybe now you were feeling a slimmer of what dread he had felt when he thought of your crumbling friendship, and the love he had for you that he couldn't do anything with. "What's wrong, Mat? It seems really serious."

"It is." Mat took a deep breath. He couldn't meet your eyes. He didn't know when he started to feel uncomfortable around you. You had always been the person he could admit anything to. Now, you were pulling away from him. "We've been friends for so long, but recently, I feel like I'm… losing you."

"Mat, you're not losing me."

"Yeah, I am. I'm losing you to your new boyfriend.”

Finally, Mat met your eyes, and was astonished by the fear there. How could you spend the last few months drawing further and further away, and then be shocked when he confronted you? Hadn't you realized how little time you spent together? Hadn't you noticed how the only time you spent with him was when he was comforting you from something your boyfriend did to upset you? Hadn't your words- 'at least I know you'd never do this to me'- meant nothing?

"Look, I know you're happy with him, and I'm happy for you… no matter how much you complain about how he's an ass... but… we- you don't come over anymore.”

“I’m- I’m sorry, Mat, I’m more busy than I was when I was single-”

“No, it's not just that. You stopped answering my texts. You know… the ones… when I'm vulnerable. When I need you. I get that you’re gonna be busy, but I opened up to you about shit I would never tell to another person, and I can’t even get a response. You're running away when I need you most…"

He let the silence fall between you again. After a few moments, you spoke up, "Mat…" but your voice fell flat when you couldn't think of the right words to fill the air.

"You still come over, but only when you need someone to dry your tears when your boyfriend did something stupid. You come to me. You only come to me when you need my comfort, but you can’t give me the comfort when I need it, and I’m fucking tired of it.” His words weren’t bitter towards you at all. That’s not what he felt. He wasn’t angry at you, he was angry that either of you had let your boyfriend come between you, he was angry at himself for letting you go, for being too fucking insecure to tell you anything. “You- you keep telling me you wish you could find someone like me. But can't you tell how perfect I am for you?"

"Mat, stop." You were picking with your fingers, a habit he knew all too well.

“I know you remember that night.”

“Mat…”

“It was when you were still trying to date, and always came over after your bad first dates. We cuddled, we…. We got way closer than friends should. I thought- I guess I just thought there was something there. I thought we’d end up as more…”

“I-” Your throat was tight. You hadn’t even realized how much Mat’s words were affecting you. “You can't just… drop all this on me right now, it's not fair."

"What do you really see in him?"

"What?"

"What do you see in him? Does he really love you like you know I do?" You sat quietly, your mouth agape, eyes dropping to the table. Mat’s voice dropped quieter. “You know I love you. I know you know. Friends don’t just cuddle and… and fucking open up about every single little insecurity and promise each other they’ll never leave, and say ‘at least I know you’d never do this to me. I loved you. So fucking much. And it’s so hard to watch you fall in love with someone else, when my heart is so fucking full of love for you.” Mat scoffed in spite of himself. He knew he was fucking it all up, your friendship, any chance of a relationship with you, and it was making his words taste even more bitter. "You know what's not fair? How I have to sit here, watching you fall in love with someone who doesn't love you nearly as much as I do."

“Please stop, Mat.” You quieted him, your hands shaking, in fear of what would come of your surely-shattered friendship. “I- I didn’t know. I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“Bullshit.” Mat was well aware of the tears beading in his eyes, but he tried his hardest to ignore the burn of them rolling thickly down his cheeks. “I- I was always there to hold you… to comfort you when your dates didn’t go well or when your boyfriend fucked up. Can’t you see?”

The silence that fell between the two of you was deafening. Neither of you could make eye contact, and instead focused on staring at the table, not caring about the people inevitably walking around you and wondering what was happening.

“I’m… I’m sorry, Mat.”

“Yeah.”

“I didn't… I’m with my boyfriend. I can’t just…” You shook your head. “I don’t know what you want me to do.”

“Nothing.” Mat sat back in his chair. He’d said what he invited you here to say, and that was all he had planned. He didn’t think of anything else past this point. “I just… I had to tell you. I’m not gonna tell you what to do, I’m not gonna say you have to choose me or him, and I’m sure this fucked up our friendship like crazy. I just- I can’t keep watching this, okay? That’s all I had to say. I know you love him, and I… fuck, I still love you. I just hope you don’t forget about me, alright?”

“Mat, you’re my best friend.”

Mat stood up, sliding down some money for the drink he had bought earlier. God, he felt like shit, watching the girl he loved move on, knowing there was no way they could keep going on like this, no way she would want to keep seeing him knowing how he felt. But he couldn’t hide it any longer, and now, it was ruined.

“I gotta go.”

[theroguequeenaniki]

Questions 2009 -> 2021

This is from my Facebook. It popped up on my memories page thing. I originally answered this in 2009 when I was 15, it’s now 2021 & and I am 27, so I’m gonna do it again. Leaving the original answers. Original answers will be italicized. Commentary on the original answers in parentheses & crossed out? Lol. (I’m not gonna tag anyone, but, like, I guess if you want to answer these random questions from Facebook 12 years ago, go ahead lol) 

Questions

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose people to tag. Don't forget to tag me so I can see your answers! To do this, copy this entire message, then go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, delete my answers, and type yours. Easy! Next, tag people that you think may enjoy this (in the right hand corner of the app). Click publish (at the bottom). Have fun! :) 1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? My cup with my Big Red in it The straw to my Kate Spade tumbler to drink my HEB Cola Lol.

2.Where was your profile picture taken? I got it off the internet. it's a random anime girl. My bedroom. 3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Never played it. Probably wouldn't be good at it. Not to good at video games. But I am good at Mario Cart, both 64 and the Wii. plus I'm good at some Sonic games. Still never played it. Idk if I’m any good at Mario Cart or the Sonic games anymore, I haven’t played either in years lol

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Doctor Who TikTok. My cats.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? Umm, probably about 10:00 cause it took me forevor to get into bed. Uh..Past 4am. Lol. B/c my sleep schedule is fucked. I was in bed by 3am though, but I was playing games & watching TikToks on my phone. Lol.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Yes. I'd move to either New York or Sweden. I don’t know. Part of me says yes. But part of me says no..b/c even though Texas has it’s faults (a LOT of them), I cannot imagine living anywhere else long-term..

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? HAHA. Yeah right. I've never even been kissed! Still nope. I have been kissed though. He just didn’t kiss me under the fireworks the one NYE we spent together...

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Um, I think R, but D might also. D is accross Stasney from me and R is a couple blocks down (I don’t talk to these people much anymore & I’m not going to share their names on Tumblr) Uh. I think Maybe Raven? B/c they’re the only one who lives in the same city still. But, Sarah might technically be closer distance wise? Hold on. Ok, yeah, Sarah’s closer, even though she doesn’t live in this city anymore.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends? It all depends on the situation.(I totally stold M's answer but it's true) (I don’t talk to this person anymore & I’m not gonna share their name on Tumblr) I mean, yeah. Two of my best friends are each others exes and they’re still friends. I haven’t stayed friend with my ex, but, uh, he ghosted me so? Lol.

10. How do you feel about Dr. Pepper? I love it. I still love it. Lol.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? I can't remember. I don't think it was that long ago, I had a light cry on Saturday, but I don't remember the last time I cried really hard. When we got back from our trip in July. Had a full on breakdown that night. Overheated all weekend. Overwhelmed. Anxiety. It was not a very good vacation..I cry a lot though.

12. Who took your profile picture? I got it off of google. I did. 

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Umm, either myself, or one of my family members. Aside from myself. I think my dad, on his phone, b/c there was a cicada on his shoulder and he wanted to ask the family group chat if he could keep it. Lol. I take a LOT of pictures of cats though. Lol.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Hail yes! To much drama today! And I couldn't avoid it cause I was in the middle of it! (Oof, what drama was 15 yo Linda dealing with that she couldn’t avoid? Lol. I mean, I guess, Sophomore year was a bit full of drama lol) Anyway, I mean, they were pretty much the same. One wasn’t better than the other. One wasn’t worse than the other.

15. Can you live a day without TV? yeah. Now Music there is something I can't live without! Yep, Do it almost everyday. Sentiments about music remain the same. Lol.

16. Are you upset about anything? Yes. I'm annoyed about something and it's making me upset. (I assume this has something to do with the the drama mentioned earlier lol) Always. Anxiety & depression are a bitch. My rooms a mess & I can’t get myself to clean it. My shelves are still a mess.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? yeah. though i havent really had one yet. I mean, yeah. Even though I haven’t had one last, aside from friendships, but they’re worth it. 

18. Are you a bad influence? I hope not. If so, let me know.(again I took M's answer but it's true) Probably. Idk. Lol.

19. Night out or night in? Depends on what's going on and how I feel about it. Night in usually. I do like going out sometimes, but, like, to dinner. Maybe a movie or a show. But, you know, we’ve been in a panini press, the only thing I’ve been comfortable doing is going to dinner (fully vaxxed & masked). But I also prefer staying home anyway. (Like I usually just go to dinner with my family lol)

20. What items could you not go without during the day? my computer. my book. my journal and a pen. My phone. My journal (b/c I write in it every night, as a diary, 14yo Linda wrote stories). Uh. I didn’t take food or drinks into account in the og, so I won’t in those. But, yeah. My phone & journal. I can go a day without my laptop if I need to. (Went the whole trip in July without pulling it out, though maybe that’s not a good example since my anxiety on that trip was so high..) I want to say a book, but I’ve been in a massive reading slump so...I wish I read as much as 15yo Linda did..

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't remember. I think it was myself.(if you want to know, ask me in person) I honestly don’t know. I don’t remember the last time I was in a hospital. 

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? "Mrbobbybones:  wish ted would finally meet their mother already. geez. get to it. However, I see myself in that character more and more each episode." yeah. That's what it says. It's from Twitter. (Huh? and I can’t even go check b/c my inbox doesn’t go back to 2009 on Twitter?? (I haven’t had my account that long) Wait wait wait just remembered I used to get tweets to my phone as text messages lol)

Facebook messenger: “ Cool” From our group chat. Lol.

From actual text messages on my phone: “ heeey! Just put up the Tuesday PDS just for you  it’s a big one.” From Phillip Defranco’s text line Lol.

23. How do you feel about your life right now? I'm loving and hating it. but hey nobody gets out alive right? Uh..I mean. I’m alive. I have WiFi. Food. Family. I haven’t seen my friends in 2 years. (Minus Alex, b/c they were here in July to cat/house sit, but I saw them for like, one night..) There’s a lot that could be better. A lot that could be worse. 

24. Do you hate anyone? yes!!! Oof. I mean, kinda.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook Inbox, what would we find? some random conversations. most of my convos on her though have been in chat or through comments. Facebook Inbox is now Facebook Messenger. So you’ll find all my Facebook Messenger convos. Mostly our group chat. And side group chats for secret planning (birthdays & stuff). Plus other chats? Lol.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? I better! (excuse me miss 15yo Linda you absolutely could have passed a drug test you ALSO didn’t drink or smoke or take any drugs lol) Yeah. Absolutely. I don’t drink or smoke or take any drugs so, yeah? Lol.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? 

Yes. But I can't remember when... Yeah. Pretty sure. 

28. What song is stuck in your head? Gee by SNSD(Girls Generation) They're Korean. A few My Chemical Romance songs

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? EDWARD CULLEN! Joke! lol. No I don't know. If it was Edward, I'd call the cops. whoever it is though better have an explaination or they are gonna get hit in the head with my Book of Shadows. (Maybe I wouldn’t mind Edward at my window though? Lol.) Uh. My friends? Lol. Idk if I want anyone knocking on my window at 2am.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? I don't know....... Uh. No? Idk. Most likely not gonna happen. 

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? I can't think of anything right now... Eat. Should probably clean my room.

32. Do you think too much or too little? Way to much! lol. Way way way too much

33. Do you smile a lot? i try to. I think I do. I get told that alot in Theater...

I think so

[mxvladdy]

Little Stardew somethin’ somethin’

*Barges into your house with fluff nobody asked for* In this house we LOVE and RESPECT our sad boi and wish him well. 

Hopeful Fluff of Shane getting better. Idk what to call it but I wrote it soooo-

TW: Mentions of alcoholism and withdrawals symptoms 

Mornings were your favorite. The crisp mountain air coming in from your open windows. Helping erase the slight bitter tinge of mead and wine fermenting in your basement before the next festival. Pouring another cup of coffee you watch the sunrise from your kitchen window. It’s golden rays bounce off the river water flowing lazily outside your garden wall. A few fat salmon jumped out teasingly, scales shining in the cool fall air. 

“Whatca think Salem?” You pat your shepherd's head. “Fishing after herding the sheep? Or a horse ride into town? I think Gus has got some new treats for ya.” Salem woofs, wagging his tail once before trotting to his dog bowl. He eats quickly then eyes the back door expectantly. “All right, herding it is.” Checking the breakfast casserole in the oven and peeking in on your boyfriend’s sleeping form you tiptoe out the house to get your morning started before breakfast. 

Watering and harvesting took longer than usual. The fruit trees hung low and groaned under the weight of their labor. The peaches looked exceptional this harvest too. You pick them, making a mental note to preserve some for Evelyn and Abigail then sell the rest to Pierre. After the harvesting and several trips to the storage shed you go to check on all your babies. 

Several new chickens had hatched overnight too. Three brown, a white, and another void. You tuck the little black chick into your hoodie and give it a smooch. As useless as their eggs were for eating you always had a soft spot for these tiny goth chickens. Taking it to the coop you had specially built for your void-born feathered friends you deposit the little one amongst its brethren. It peeps in thanks before waddling off to peck at the fresh feed.

Morning chores done, you jog back to your house hoping your casserole hasn't burned. The house smelled of spiced ham and fresh garlic when you reentered. The rest of the windows open to let in the river breeze and faint scent of your flower patches. The fireplace roared in its corner, chasing away the frosty nip that clung to your cheeks. “Shane?” You follow the noise from the mudroom to the kitchen entrance. 

“Ye?” He poked his head around the corner. Warm brown eyes blink at you blearily. The corners of which were still crusted over with sleep. He must have just rolled out of bed. “Morin’.” He yawns widely scratching at his rumpled old gridball hoodie. Exchanging a brief morning breath laden kiss you smooth down a few of his more wild strands of bed head. 

“Thought you were taking the day off?” Your lips touch again, pulling a happy little hum from him. 

“I am. Just thought I would finish making breakfast so you could put your feet up faster. Plus, I think I finally figured out your ham recipes.” He drags you to your favorite spot at the breakfast nook before going back to the oven. “It’s the clove to cinnamon ratio ain’t it? Too much of either distract from the flavor of the fat.” 

You nod in approval at his deduction. He pours you another cup of coffee, his hand shakes on the carafe handle. He was jittery today. Whether it was his anxiety spiking or just the jitter after a decent night of sleep you don’t know. But he’ll tell you when ready. He catches you staring when he turns back with two steaming plates of your eggs and veggie casserole and a thick slice of ham. “Tell me what you think.” 

“I’m sure it's fabulous. Gus better watch out or there will be a new chef in town.” Shane practically glows at your praise watching you like a hawk as you eat. You inhale it, the morning exercises catching up with you. He lets you eat in silence, his previous twitchiness evaporating into a nervous silence. “Everything good?” You ask in between bites. You hated to pry or push but sometimes he needed a little nudge to get talking. 

Shane stares into empty space above your head worrying his low lip. His fluffy brows dipping low. “Shit-ye- I got something to talk to you about.” He rose then, shuffling off to your shared bedroom. You exchange a worried look with Salem. He whined low in his throat then followed Shane. Since Shane had moved in Salem had stuck to him like glue. It tickled you, as he was not the friendliest dog to people that took your attention away from him. But, with Shane, he found a couch companion and a late-night walking pal. It worked out great for Shane’s mood and recovery. 

Your boyfriend reappeared with a black binder and several stacks of paper. He places them in front of you. “I’ve been thinking over what you’ve said.” He stuffs his hands in his hoodie pockets burrowing himself deeper into the thinning fabric. “Between you and Harvey I-I want to have a go at it.” His eyes are downcast in shame. You riffle through the brochures. 

Brentforest Care Facilities 

“It’s a three-month inpatient care program. Harvey helped me set up the initial psych evaluation and has vetted for it. He’s got some friends that work there too. He-we think it would be good to work on a few hold-ups I’m having.” His stomach turns sour at the downward tug of your lips when you see the zero’s on the page. “Marnie is helping me cover the cost, an’ after the first few weeks I’m even allowed guests.” He pitters out, the overwhelming need to fill the dead air as you read disappeared as quickly as it had come. 

“You got it all sorted out huh?” You look up from the documents. Shane nods. You look back at the books, then him. He forces himself to breathe through his nose. This is it. This was the last straw, it had to be. He couldn’t blame you though- he wasn’t worth the effort. 

No-nope. Not starting this again. He fought with himself shaking the thoughts right out of his head. He trusted you. Dr. Martina trusted you. You were there during the worst of his withdrawal symptoms. The fevers, and shakes; you never flinched from his unwarranted shouting and irritability either. How many sleepless nights had you spent comforting him as he wept over things he wasn’t ready to talk about. You had gone through a lot with him and still was. You wanted to see him healthy. This was just another step. 

“Dr. Martina- my therapist- and I have been working on this for a bit. I just need a few more signatures and to make the initial payment. Then- then I’m good.” He raises his eyes to meet yours, pushing the fear he felt further down in his chest. 

His arms were suddenly filled with you. Your warm body flush with his. Soft skin and fresh windswept hair flooding his senses with your hug. “I’m so proud of you.” You mutter into his jacket. Farm callus fingers grip him close inviting him to hug you back. Shane let out a shaky breath he hadn’t even known he was hiding and reciprocated. He held you close and rocked you both side to side. “What do you need me to do?”

“Mmm?” He pulled you away from his neck. You loved burrowing your face there for some reason. Months ago he had hated when you did that. He always thought he smelt of stale sweat and the recycled air of the JoJo Mart. It had clung to every part of him for years. Hardly attractive by anyone's standards. But now, working out in the coops and fields alongside volunteering at the Community Center, it had all but disappeared. Now you swore he smelled like earth and like the pine trees that grew around your house. You had even admitted his sweat smells better too. Perhaps his alcohol sweats were finally lifting. Or maybe it was the better diet you made him eat. 

“What do you need of me?” You kiss his scruffy cheek. Eyes alight with determination and affection. 

He returns your kiss with a light peck of his own. “A few signatures- to show you can visit. An’ if there was an emergency you would be a contact. If-if that’s ok with you?” He asks.

“As if you had to ask.” You beam putting your forehead to his. “I’ll miss you.” You whisper between feather light kisses.  

Shane sighs in utter relief around your coffee scented lips. “Promise to write?” He asks cupping your cheeks to rub his thumbs over the sun kissed skin. “And feed Charlie too?” You laugh, nose scrunching up in delight at his joke.

You seal the deal with a kiss. 

[mamaskillerqueen]

hi, i’m requesting a blurb where ben unintentionally says i love you for the first time to the reader before ending a phone call. they are in a long distance relationship atm because of their work schedules (plus they just started dating, like 3 months in idk) since they’re in different timezones, reader has to go to bed soon. they exchange their goodbyes and ben throws in an love you unintentionally. (1/2)

then reader confronts ben about it the next day or so to see if he knew he said it without realizing, which admits he did but then he says it again because he means it lol. (2/2) sorry for the long request i’m in need of some ben content 😅

A/N: ahhhh I love this!!! Thank you so much for requesting it! I hope you like this. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it but I hope it’s what you were looking for! (I am always in my Ben feels so this request has me so mushy 🥰)

Staying up so late was really starting to weigh on you. For the millionth time in the last three months the clock struck half one in the morning, battling a yawn and doing your best to keep your eyes open. He was late.

For the last three months, every single night at 1:20pm, your phone was ringing to bring you the voice you so desperately missed. The crackle of the connection even bearable. It had been too long since you heard him properly.

You had been looking forward to his call all day but as the time slipped away, you were just getting more and more tired. Five minutes had gone by when it finally rang. Your eyes shot open and you quickly answered, a yawn at the ready as you greeted him.

“Hello to you too,” he chuckled.

“Sorry, it’s late. I was trying not to fall asleep.”

Starting to date Ben was probably the best thing you had ever done. Even if you had only had two weeks together before he flew away to an exotic land to film some crazy movie, leaving the majority of your relationship tied up in phone calls, text messages, and FaceTimes.

“I know, I was running a bit late. We’ll make it a quick call. Tell me about your day.”

It never failed, he always wanted to hear about your day first. Your day that never changed, was continuously the same thing over and over, work, walk, dinner, shower, read, and then watch a movie until he called. He was always so interested sounding too. Never once letting on that maybe you should get more of a life.

“Oh, and Lisa said there is a great little pop up market this weekend. I think we’re gonna grab brunch and go shopping all day Saturday.”

You loved getting to go out and do fun things with your friends on the weekends that you had off but it was rare you managed to have the same weekends off. The whole time you had been explaining your day and plans you had been so animated. Barely even yawned once.

“Tell me about your day?”

The smooth, deep rumble of his voice in your ear was a lullaby and almost impossible to not start to fall asleep. He always helped you feel so calm and relaxed. Your eyes fell heavy before you caught your self and jolted up right. He must have heard this because he said,

“I should let you sleep, love.”

Your protest seemed to fall on deaf ears though because he was quick to cut in again.

“I’m off tomorrow. I’ll call you earlier and we’ll get to chat longer. Get some sleep. I love you, goodnight.”

The line went dead and your mouth hung open in shock. This was a dream. One hundred percent fantasy. Your overly tired brain cooked up a story to shut you up and put you to sleep. Except now you didn’t know if you could. He couldn’t have said that.

Could he have? Would he have said it so nonchalantly? You almost called him back but exhaustion was winning. Not to mention, what if he didn’t actually mean it? What if that had been a mistake?

The next day all you could think about was what Ben had said. The big “L” word. Was it time for that? You surely felt it, even if over half of your relationship was over the phone. If you were being honest, the first two weeks you’d fallen in love but refused to acknowledge it. It was scary. But you had to know if he meant it.

After work, delaying the inevitable, you went to the grocery shop and gathered all the things you’d need for the rest of the weeks lunches and dinners. Then you made dinner. Then you showered. Taking all the extra time you could before calling him. He’d texted you this morning, like every morning but today, he’s asked you to call him whenever you were ready. He seemed normal, which only made you more anxious.

When you finally called he sounded relieved and you almost wondered if he was as anxious as you. As the call went on though, it didn’t seem like it. Talking about your day was a struggle as you stumbled over the words you really wanted to say.

“Is everything okay?” He finally asked.

“Everything’s fine,” came your knee jerk answer.

It sounded like he was going to protest and so you quickly added,

“No, actually. Something’s been bothering me all day.”

You took a deep breath, steeling yourself. He seemed to sense that you would go on, he was always good at knowing when to talk and when to shut up and listen.

“Last night... when we hung up.”

“Yes,” he said after a while of silence.

“You said something.”

The more you stalled the more anxious you got but you couldn’t bring yourself to say it. What if he hadn’t meant it?

“I said a lot of things, darling. You’re going to have to be specific.”

Heaving a sigh you decided you just needed to rip the bandaid off. The sting would only last a little while. Right?

“You said you loved me.”

Silence.

Still silent.

Your heart was racing, it was like time stood still. You sat frozen, your pumping heart the only indication you were still alive.

“Yes, I did. I do. Love you, I mean.”

Similarly to the previous night you sat with your jaw dropped open. Twice. He’s said it twice. This time for real, for real. Not like a figment of your imagination. You were fully awake, aware. He loved you.

Holy shit.

He loved you.

A clearing of his throat gave away his own anxiety and you had to gather your jaw off the floor to help alleviate his.

“Oh my god. I thought I was dreaming last night.”

An uncomfortable chuckle was what greeted you after that. It took a second but you finally realised you hadn’t said it back.

“I love you, too.”

Another relieved sigh met you, and then a faint chuckle.

“You had me a bit worried there for a second. Thought I might have scared you away.”

“Never.”

Three more weeks. You just had to make it three more weeks and then he’d be back in your arms. His voice would be clearer, deeper, and he’d say it again. Butterflies went rampant in your stomach at the thought.

Three weeks later you picked him up at the airport, he said he loved you again and it was the greatest thing you’d ever heard him say. For the next three days all you did was say the words back and forth fully appreciating the sound of each other’s voices not distorted through the phone line.

The start of forever never sounded so good.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #383

“the big bully try to stick his finger in my chest  /  try to tell me, tell me he’s the best  /  i don’t really give a good goddamn ‘cuz i got my lunchbox & i’m armed real well”

Ever had a friend online for a long time without seeing a photo of them? Well yeah. Most of my friends are online, and while I've seen pictures of most at least once or twice, some I still haven't. The last time you threw up, what caused it? It was a side effect of a mood stabilizer I started. Any foods from other countries you would like to try but haven’t yet? I'm sure there's something, idk. Do you think the world would be more peaceful without any religion? Yes. Have you ever had a stalker? No. Does it hurt your feelings when people talk shit about things you love? It makes me self-conscious way more than anything. I start to obsess over whether or not the person things poorly or weirdly of me for liking what I like. I just feel judged for liking it, but that's my problem. Do you like it when people give you nicknames? I do, actually. It feels kinda affectionate to me. Do you often find yourself checking out people’s butts? Haha I'm not gonna say it's never happened, but it's not something I make a habit out of for sure. What fandoms are you in? MEERKAT MANOR IS BACK BAYBEEEE, Markiplier, Silent Hill, Shadow of the Colossus, World of Warcraft, Spyro, Wings of Fire, and lots more, honestly. I'm into a lot of stuff, and I don't love in moderation, haha. Are there any fandoms you used to be in, but left? Yeah, like Supernatural, Good Mythical Morning, or Warriors, but it wasn't out of "I don't like it anymore" or anything, I just drifted away. Anything the fans in your fandoms do that pisses you off? World of Warcraft if particular has one of the most toxic fucking fanbases. There are so many goddamn elitists and people who whine about "boohoo WoW is dying" and "omg this game has been trash since Wrath" and yada yada yada and it's annoying as hell. They always find some shit to complain about. Then Silent Hill... ugh. I think people just hop onto the "the series sux after 1-4" bandwagon to fit in with a certain crowd, but that's not the main thing that annoys me; rather, it's the fact the former main admin of the SH wiki made a fucking joke out of us there. He was clearly having personal issues and made a HUGE and utterly ridiculous deal of Silent Hill 4 having heavy symbolism to the main character being obsessed with the bullshit idea of him being circumcised, and it led to a maaaassive thread of us members trying to talk some damn sense into him as he abused his power. He was finally banned by the Wikia staff, but not in time for some gaming websites to publish "news" stories about it because it was just that ludicrous. Now, YEARS later, we still get trolls coming onto the site to try and revive the drama by inserting absolute rubbish into pages or making new ones. Nowadays I'm the main administrator there, and it's fucking embarrassing sometimes. I'm supposed to keep the wiki under control and respected, you know? Ugh, I'll stop. I could rant for a very long time about this. Do you prefer ruffly or regular potato chips? Ruffly. Do you write down your own recipes, or just commit them to memory? I don’t cook. What color do you want to dye your hair? My top three are pastel pink, lilac, and a light creamsicle orange. I REALLY want to dye it SOMETHING. :( How do you like your chicken? Of course breaded (like nuggets, tenders) is my favorite, but I also enjoy is broiled and seasoned well. There's other ways, but because I don't cook, I, uh... don't know how a lot are made lmao. Do you enjoy cheese fries? UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH YES. Do you eat refried beans? I absolutely hate beans, so no. What is a food you enjoy, but don’t have very often? A whole lot because a lot of it is from restaurants and we don't eat out all that much. As well, my diet is very narrow just because of how picky I am. Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn? Why? I mean, what are we comparing them for? I think Audrey is fucking gorgeous, though. Marilyn is also beautiful. Favorite fictional world? Uh, I dunno. Do you use lint rollers often? No. Do you carry pepper spray? No, but I want to. Has your power ever gone out for more than a day? I think so. Other than a dislike button, what’s something you wish Facebook had? Hm, I dunno. What time do your parents normally get home from work? Mom can't work right now, but I think Dad gets off around 5PM. Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? Yep. Do you think it’s better to look for love or let it find you? Both can work, but I definitely prefer to let it find me. I feel that *in general* that usually has better results. Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment? No. I'm a very committed person romantically. Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? No. Have you ever had a rash from poison ivy? I don't believe so, no. Do you have any chairs in your bedroom? No. Did you watch Elmo as a child? Some, yeah. Do you know anyone who doesn’t eat meat? I don't think so, off the top of my head. When you throw up, do you cry? No, but I'm a whiner and will also shake from fear because I have such a phobia of vomiting. Doing it totally turns me into a baby. Who was the last person to carry you? I couldn't tell you the last person to full-on carry me, but back when I tore a ligament in my foot, my mom kinda had me lifted when she would help me walk. Is it easy for you to accept loss? Absolutely not. I handle it very, very poorly. Have you done anything sneaky lately? No. Have you ever had a rolling back pack? Yes. Who knows you better than anyone else? My mom, probably. Would you ever want to go to Brazil? Sure, if the opportunity came up. Are there any medical conditions that run in your family? A lot, mostly heart problems. What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica imo. Who is the biggest jerk you've ever met? She was somehow my former best friend. Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never been in that situation, thankfully. What's a charity you would never donate to? I'm really not familiar enough with charities and their practices to know which ones are sketch or not. Have you ever grown your own herbs? No. Do you have any exes you'd consider dating again? Yes. What were some of your favorite classes you took in high school? Art and German. Mythology was fun, too. Do you know anyone with a profession in law? Yeah, I have a cousin that's a lawyer. Have you ever Googled yourself? Yeah, outta curiosity. What's the shortest amount of time you've had between relationships? Like, two days. Part of the reason I left Girt was because I liked Sara. As a child, what comfort foods did your parents make for you when you were sick with a cold or flu? Chicken noodle soup. What's a movie series where the sequel was better than the original? Ha, for some reason Inspector Gadget came to mind. I guess from mentioning my childhood. I was FUCKING OBSESSED with that movie as a kid. The first one's fine, but I love the second one. Does your car have heated seats? Mom's doesn't. What is the strangest pizza topping you've ever eaten? Nothing strange, really. Describe your hometown. What’s it like there? Small and dangerous. Lots of run-down areas. A gang nearly broke into our house once, if that helps you get the picture. What was the last video game you beat? I replayed Silent Hill 2 forever ago. What did you learn from your last failed relationship? It really just taught me that you need to take care of your own mental health before you can effectively handle another's properly and strike a healthy balance. What country does your favorite band hail from? Britain. What’s something on your to-do list that never actually gets done? Finish decorating my room. -_- Have you ever been really passionate about something but then lost interest? If so, what was it? Good Mythical Morning, I suppose. I used to be OB-SESSED. I still adore Rhett and Link as people, they are fucking wonderful human beings and excellent entertainers, I just drifted away from their content. I don't really know why. Do you sleep with the TV or the radio on? No. What’s the worst thing about being male/female (whichever you are)? Menstrual cycles, I'd say. It affects your mood so much, and as someone who's bipolar, it can be very confusing. I like to know why I'm feeling a certain way. What movie has the best special effects? /shrug How many work hours per week is too much for you? I wouldn't know, I've never really worked long enough to figure this out. Can you remember your first day of school? I think I have the faintest memory of it. I know I was very scared to leave my mom (I had absolutely awful separation anxiety from her) and I MIGHT have cried, but I don't really recall with certainty. Have you ever entered a modelling competition? Would you? No thanks. Did you keep any drawings/stories from when you were younger? Most, no, because the level of cringe is LITERALLY unbearable for me. Do you have a safe? Mom does somewhere. What’s the scariest thing to happen to you so far? The breakup. That night was just fucking terrifying. I was so certain my life was over, like the situation was so, so impossible in my head. What was your last dream about? (or your daydream if you don’t remember) My memory's faint, but I just remember I had a nightmare where a LOT of my bones were totally snapped in half. When was the last time you saw a relative? Excluding my immediate family, I last saw my now-departed grandmother and my uncle a while back at a hotel as they were passing through. Have you ever been in a TV audience? No. Are you in any way close to reaching a personal goal? Not really... Do you prefer crosswords or word searches? Word searches. Do you like making collages? Not really. Do you remember any inside jokes from childhood? No. What would you love to learn to do? Digital art, like drawing on a tablet. Do you prefer monkeys or lemurs? Lemurs. Do you watch movies based on the actors or the movie plot? The plot, 100%. Are you more shy in real life or on the internet? I am WAY more shy irl.

[thedappleddragon]

hooooo my fucking god I don't know why but recently my anxiety/sence of dread has SKYROCKETED in the last 3 days, I haven't been sleeping great and last night I had an anxiety dream about manning the register at work. idk I guess today was fine but im so fucking overstimulated I guess?? I seriously just dont fuking know. but anyway here’s a summary of some days that I may or may not remember. putting it under the cut

Wednesday I was exited to work, they didn’t need me, I hung out with my friends at their outdoor band concert and had boba and it got super cold out

Thursday I went with my dad to drop off a car, then we had breakfast together at a little restaurant I had never been to before. He told me about his childhood n stuff. Then I went to work and priced things outside and felt good about helping some people buy plants even tho I didn’t know exactly what I was doing and ended up handing them off to Becky anyway. Got off work, came home, hung out waiting to be able to go visit my friend but she took a while so dad and I made the snack he had a lot as a kid which was just handmade chocolate frosting on graham crackers. Eventually my friend got home so I grabbed one of those graham crackers in some Tupperware and some other stuff and headed out. It was a longer drive than I was expecting but eh whatever, I got there no problem with a bunch of dad’s shit in the back of the car. We had awkward hellos in her apartment and I pet her fat ass cat until she suggested we go thrifting and oh my god I had never wanted to go thrifting more in my life than right then. I had one of those moments where I realized oh I’m an adult who can go out and just DO things :D so we walked around and gossiped in goodwil and had a great time until they closed, whereupon steph frantically looked for anything that was open near us while I drove around. We settled on going to a little park nearby, where we climbed on the tube with holes on it and swung on the swings. Then we walked around a dense tree/brush like and into the middle of a field, having our main character moments as we walked to the top of a hill with a cross on it. I took a picture of the sunset and a selfie with both of us before we walked back through the field and drove back to her apartment. I gave her 2 tiny flower jars and she let me borrow her container of earring hardware and a bunch of different tiny things to make into earrings. I had a great time and I’d love to hang out again, maybe when everything isn’t closed lmao. We joked a lot about understanding why people do drugs lmao since there’s nothing else to do! everything’s closed!! Also some joke flirting mixed in for flavor. We have an excuse to hang out again so I can return her earring supplies and she can return my Tupperware lol. I thought my phone was going to die on the way home before I realized there was a charging cord in the car! Nice. Got home, watched my friend stream plasmaphobia for a bit while I finished a birthday gift, and hung out and slept when she quit streaming. 

Friend’s birthday party day!! Also dad moving day!! The first task of the day was to drive with my dad down to the nearest uhaul to pick up a big ol’ truck, and follow him home in the car while he lead the way in the truck. Then we brought his car full of shit to the apartment, got his key and paid his first month, and looked through everything to do inspection. Tbh it’s a pretty nice apartment, I’d love to spend some time there once it’s a bit more furnished. My favorite part is a Harry Potter style hidey hole closet that’s meant for storage, but it’s the perfect size for a secluded hangout spot for me. I’ll totally let him use it for storage if he wants, I just like sitting in there. I joked that I would let Emily hang out in the spare bedroom and I could get the tiny room. But we spent time cleaning and looking around and bringing in boxes before dad sent me to pick up lunch, my sister, and another car load of boxes. I left to do all 3 and came back with Mcallisters, and we all sat on the floor and ate together. A very nice way to break in a new apartment. We brought in boxes and dad sent us on a quest to pick up a car part and drop it off where the car we dropped off the day before. We got there just fine, but getting to the second location was a nightmare because of all my wrong turns and u turns and no left turns, it was awful. I mean we got there eventually but still. By then it was time for me to get home so I could wash my hair and get ready for the party!! I got everything ready, but my sister wouldn’t be home with the car on time, so I just took my mom’s van. I was on time for once!! But in exchange I didn’t realize I had forgotten Cassidy’s gift until I was like 3 minutes away. But also I found driving my moms van very easy compared to last time I tried to drive it, and I think I’m a much more confident driver now :) but I was one of the first to arrive, accidentally twinned with cass, waited for everyone to show up, met her new dog, and then we all packed up the picnic basket and walked to the top of a hill to have our little sandwiches and play cards against humanity. On the walk there we passed by a park where little kids were asking why we were all dressed up if it wasn’t Halloween, so I shouted at them that it was her birthday and handed them the branch I was carrying. We played CAH on the hill and ate little sandwiches and meatballs and drank sparkling juice and had a lovely time, and when we were done, we walked back to her house where there was pizza and we all changed out of our formal wear. My bra was sewed into my dress with 6 stitches, so I grabbed some scissors and flashed my friend’s cat as I cut my bra free of the dress because I forgot to bring an extra. I changed into my ghostbusters shirt and snake onesie and joined everyone outside for pizza and lots and lots of stories and ice cream cake and gossip and quiplash and balloons and gifts and CAH and friends leaving and new friends arriving and more quiplash and then the grass getting cold and wet and going ham on keeping the balloons up and then playing that’s what she said (basically CAH but ✨for women ✨) and by this time there was a dude I didn’t know but he was very nice and cute and already taken. Tbh I didn’t know half the people there, there was a group of 4 cool alt people I had never met and then the 4 band kids I already knew but everyone else seemed to know each other and they all had great energy so I yelled a lot and joked a ton and had an amazing time. As the crowd dwindled and the night got cooler, I helped put things away before I left so I could be a nice guest, said my goodbyes, gathered my things, and drove home past midnight. Ask walked around the house turning off lights like my mom asked, I realized that my dad wouldn’t be sleeping here anymore, and I felt bad that he had to spend the night all alone in his new apartment :( and this is going to be a huge financial burden that idk if he can afford, rent for the apartment is almost as much as my mom pays for the house. Jejdjgjt this is all a mess and I would like to go back to ignoring it all <3 Listened to a lot of two trucks by lemon demon lmao

Hoo boy howdy I did a lot of shit today. Basically as soon as I woke up I got a text from dad about us helping him move with a promise of donut holes and a fruit platter. I walked out to the garage to find our family friends the drakes helping to move boxes, so we all spent several hours loading boxes into our cars and driving back and forth from the house to the apartment, with emily and I avoiding the drakes as much as possible lmao. When we had moved as much as we could in the car, we started loading up the uhaul, shoving as much shit in there as possible so we only had to do one trip there and back. Partially through unloading the truck the drakes stopped cleaning things before we brought them in left and some randos from dad’s work came to help unload and somewhere in the middle of all this our aunt and uncle and her service dog came to visit?? Bruh idk so much stuff happened. Emily asked me to take her home so she could work on school stuff and we put things back into the garage and I went back to the apartment to help with stuff and hang out with my aunt while my dad and uncle returned the truck. We made a list of stuff I might need for college and I wrote it down on a notepad and most of the page space was taken up by ponies tbh. The men brought back burger king and eventually my aunt and uncle left. I helped my dad clean up and set up his wifi and we watched mama Mia. It was my first time seeing the film, and it was really dang fun. Then I made dad drive me ho e since emily was still gone with the silver car. I’ll spend he night over there eventually, but not yet. I’m exited to eventually invite friends over since I’ve never been able to do that before. So now I’m home trying g to go to sleep so I can work tomorrow. I keep thinking about smoking weed and making out with someone in the hidey hole in dad’s apartment............ even tho I have literally no one to do that with afsagssg I’m a CHILD. 

Had dreams last night about being stuck on the infinity train again, except there was a mechanic of switching the world between 2d and 3d and the cast of Bluey had to help bingo go through stages of grief / character moments to help her get off the train or something. I was tossing and turning for a few hours anxiously waking up thinking I was gonna be late and going back to bed so I could sleep/dream more. But then I finally got up, fed my cat, fed myself, helped clean the kitchen a little bit, got ready for work, arrived 15 minutes late on accident, worked register for 6 hours, got more comfortable with register and learned how to do stuff, lots of friendly people, lots of me struggling and my bones hurting, dad brought me food but I couldn’t get to my lunch break until everything was room temperature. The chicken sandwich reheated well but the fries did not. After work dad and I stopped by the house, I got an info card to fill out so I can be called in for jury duty eventually, dad handed me $50 for dinner for us and my sister, we laid on the floor and looked at the noodles and company menu, drove there, picked up our food, had a lovely dinner at dad’s apartment, laid around while he talked to Greg on the phone, went to target to pick up small apartment things like a clock and a trash can and some small groceries but it made me nervous because I hate spending money and watching my dad spend money he may or may not have, and by then we were tired as shit and after dropping his stuff off emily and I drove home and I tried teaching her how to crochet for a school project. Now I’m hanging out wanting to go to bed and thinking about how everybody else my age working at ACE is doing like 60 hours a week with 2 jobs and saving for college and I’m just sitting here with probably 14 hours a week and fuck. I don’t want to spiral into shit, I just want to keep busy as much as possible. Maybe I’ll ask for as many work hours as possible, maybe I’ll ask my friends to hang out, idk. Right now I jut want to be busy so I don’t have to think about anything. I’ll spend as much time as possible helping my dad set up his apartment, I don’t care.

WAAAAA TODAY AT WORK WAS SO STRESSFUL, I LEFT FELLNG SO FRAZZLED IT SUCKED. basically I worked register for 4 hours but they’re all trying to ween me off asking for help to get me more comfortable, and we were surprisingly busy, and my garden boss becky asked me to do 2 extra things and my boss boss kept asking about paperwork that I couldn't fill out because I needed my sister to text me something, and an old man got mad at me over the phone because no-one was out there to fill his propane tank and I had a lady waiting for 10 minutes for someone to help load salt into her car and a middle aged man tried to use sarcasm at me while I was in friendly cashier mode aND IM SORRY I HAVE ADHD I DONT GET IT PLEASE S T O P and I tried answering the phone more and I didnt get the things done that becky asked and I left shit there because I just wanteD OUT. afterwards I went to target to get something, idk im writing this afterwards so I not really remember 

and today, my day off. ugh god I dont remember what I did, I know I picked up a vent for my mom’s bathroom and I just went to go get Taco Bell with my sister and bought her some more about crocheting and she’s making progress :) tomorrow is my friend’s birthday and last year I made her a felt doll of her fursona, so today I started making a crochet doll for her. so far I have the body and libs, but I still need to make the muzzle, tail, ears, attach everything, and hand-sew on all the markings and glue on button eyes. or maybe felt eyes, idk. my stomach hurts and I got upset because I told my mom my cat may be sick because her pee looked suspicious so I crocheted and watched my little pony and now I have a headache and im just trying to listen to music but really I just want to watch 50 arms videos at once but it wasn't loading right and idk man I dont know what’s happening, I may be going into work tomorrow. I think now that I have a job to do 3-4 times a week, I dont feel like I can just chill and wing it anymore, it’s like I have plans forever now. and oh god I still have to sig up for college orientation night or whatever, but my mind hasn'tt been on college for like a month or longer. I think im just going to take some Advil and try to relax with my cat and my music. holy shit dude. I know none’s gonna read this but just. fuck. also I should really post these more frequently rather than let them pile up in my texts. thinking about going back and adding all the dates like I did with my early quarantine diary, but that feels like a lot of work

[death-himself]

Hidden in Shadows—Chapter 14

Summary: Thomas: Hey I'm adopting a new child Virgil: Oh really that's cool— Thomas: *slams adoption papers on the table* It's you sign here

Word Count: 1,560

Warnings: Breakdown, Depressing Thoughts (idk how else to describe it)

previous [END] (AO3 Link)

Thomas had to run to the store. He had forgotten to grab some groceries on his way home from the office, and was now putting his shoes back on and grabbing his keys. The babysitter had already left, though. He looked over at his kids as they played video games in the living room, with Virgil sitting behind them watching.

“Hey Virgil!” The bogeyman flinched, snapping his head in Thomas’s direction. “I have to go to the store. I’ll be back in maybe fifteen minutes, okay?”

“But...don’t you have that whole rule?” Virgil asked hesitantly.

“What?”

“Y’know...I’m not supposed to be alone with these guys?” He jabbed a finger at the kids. Thomas blinked. He had honestly forgotten about that rule; it had always been a little bit difficult to maintain with the kids constantly racing around the house, and after everything Virgil had done recently Thomas wasn’t sure if he really saw a point in it anymore.

“Eh, consider that rule obsolete.” Thomas replied with a smile. “I’m not sure if it was ever really needed in the first place.” Virgil’s eyes widened at that. Thomas waved goodbye and stepped out the door. Still, he figured he should probably make his errand a fast one.

After grabbing everything he needed, he lined up at the checkout, absent-mindedly reading all the magazine covers as an old man checked out what had to be a mountain of canned and boxed goods while ranting about the apocalypse.

His eyes drifted a bit lower to see a box full of fidget toys. He had bought one for Logan back when he had first adopted him, and it seemed to really help him focus.

And he remembered seeing Virgil use it a while back, and well...the kid definitely wasn’t neurotypical. He was constantly fidgeting, drumming his nails on any surface in front of him, biting his lip, cracking his knuckles. Thomas wasn’t one to self-diagnose, especially self-diagnosing others, but he felt like it was relatively safe to assume the kid had anxiety.

Thomas picked up a black and purple fidget cube, placing it on the conveyor belt as the old man paid and left with his bags.

He carried the bags inside, placing them down for a moment to close and lock the door. From the living room he heard the sounds of his kids still playing video games.

“Ha! I win!” Roman shouted.

“Oh, you motherf—” Virgil cleared his throat, “—father. Motherfather.”

“Virgil, I think we all know you were about to say motherfucker.” Logan stated. Thomas held back a laugh as the word left his eight year old’s mouth.

“Nope, you’re too young to say that, shut up.”

“You’re only like seven years older than me.”

“That’s almost twice your age. Now don’t tell your dad you said that.”

“Hi Dad!” Patton exclaimed, waving at Thomas with a smile.

“Crap.” Virgil muttered. Thomas hid his laughter behind his hand. “Logan, no potty language, okay? Put your name in the swear jar.” He said as he began putting the groceries away. Logan grumbled to himself, getting up to write his name on a slip of paper.

Virgil appeared out of the shadows in the kitchen. Thomas flinched, mostly out of surprise than fear, he realized. “How’d things go here?” He asked. Virgil shrugged.

“Just kept playing video games. Nothin’ crazy happened.”

“Well that’s good. Here, I got you something.” He pulled out the fidget cube, holding it out to him. Virgil looked at Thomas, then at the cube, then back to Thomas.

“What?”

“It’s a gift. I saw you liked Logan’s so I thought I might as well get you your own.” Virgil slowly reached out a clawed hand, taking the cube delicately and looking it over with large wide eyes. Thomas was admittedly waiting for his slit pupils to dilate like a cat’s, but that unfortunately didn’t happen.

Virgil then shook his head a bit, pocketing the fidget cube and looking up at the ceiling with an awkward cough. “Thanks, I guess.”

“So you like it?”

“It’s alright.” Virgil then quickly escaped into the shadows and went back into the living room. Thomas shrugged, not really knowing what he had expected, and finished up putting away the groceries.

Thomas had stayed up editing for too long that night. And for some reason, the nights where he stayed up too late were the nights that he had the most interesting thoughts that prevented him from sleeping.

And that was what was happening. He stared up at the pitch black ceiling, having by now gotten used to sleeping without a light in his room; it’s not like Virgil would attack him.

His body was begging for sleep, but his mind was racing. Virgil. He had been alone since he was created, up until he became friends with Thomas’s kids. All of that happened in less than a year.

Had Virgil ever had a friend before then?

Had he ever had literally anyone to lean on or talk to?

Thomas already knew the answer was no. If anything, all Virgil had were the animals he would come across, but Thomas knew from eye-witnesses that animals usually responded just as bad as humans to bogeymen, sometimes even worse.

Holy fuck, Virgil had to live with literally the entire world against him for fourteen whole years, plus the few months from before Patton first saw him.

Thomas couldn’t even begin to imagine what that was like. But then another thought struck him.

Has Virgil ever gotten a hug from anyone besides his kids?

Thomas turned onto his side, closing his eyes and taking a shaky breath. Holy crap I need to help this poor kid.

The next morning was chaos as usual as he got Roman, Patton, and Logan ready for school. Virgil arrived late, only a few minutes before they left, and allowed the three to dogpile him before rushing out the door.

When Thomas came back from the bus stop, he came inside to see Virgil sitting on the couch, his legs tucked up close to his chest as he stared blankly at the TV, biting his fingernail. Thomas made a point to make his footsteps a bit louder so as to not surprise him like he did last time.

Sure enough, Virgil’s ears seemed to twitch at the sound. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” He replied bluntly. Thomas sat next to him on the couch, taking a good look at his eyes. They had the same look Roman’s would have whenever he got a nightmare.

Well, now was as good a time as any. “You want a hug?” That ripped away the dazed look in his eyes in an instant. “A what?” Thomas opened his arms up with an encouraging grin.

“Hug time! It’s just something I do whenever one of my kids is upset.”

“One of your...” Virgil stared wide-eyed, looking Thomas up and down as if trying to figure out if he was joking. After seeming to confirm that he was for real, Virgil hesitantly nodded.

Thomas slowly reached out and pulled Virgil in close, making sure to keep his hold loose enough for Virgil to easily break away. The teen’s body was tense and frozen in place, as if he was malfunctioning. He then drew in a breath. Slowly, shakily, he returned the hug, allowing himself to relax.

Thomas made the hug more sturdy and warm. Virgil had never felt safer in his life. He buried his chin in Thomas’s shoulder, soaking up the comfort like a sponge. This was...nice.

Virgil’s body began to tremble, and a sob escaped his lips. Thomas felt hot tears fall onto his shirt. He rubbed gentle circles into Virgil’s back, whispering, “It’s alright, bud. Let it out.”

They stayed like that for hours, Thomas holding Virgil close as he cried out over fourteen years of pain and loneliness, until he couldn’t cry anymore. Soon his sobs turned into dry coughs, his tear ducts had run dry, and his body was tired.

Thomas shifted into a more comfortable sitting position, having Virgil lay his head in his lap. He ran his hands through Virgil’s messy hair, gently rubbing his temples and shushing him quietly. It was something that he always did after one of his kids cried, and Virgil wasn’t by any means an exception.

Virgil’s eyes slid closed, his breathing growing slow and steady.

And then a quiet purring sound escaped his slightly open lips.

Thomas stared. Of all the things he had expected to come out of Virgil’s mouth, purring had never really come to mind.

He shook his head, deciding to save the questions of how and why Virgil could purr for another day. Soon the purring faded off into steady breathing as Virgil drifted off to sleep.

Thomas turned his attention to the TV for a moment, continuing to run his hand through Virgil’s hair.

He took a deep breath, glancing down at the sleeping bogeyman in his lap. He hadn’t put down “Become a father of four” as one of his New Year’s Resolutions; he had figured three would be difficult enough.

But now he was filled with that ecstasy, that unbridled parental love that he had gained every time he had adopted a new kid. He smiled down at his son.

“Welcome to the family, Virgil.”

[steebharringt0n]

Shadows of the Night | Vampire AU

dusk | night | dawn

Billy Hargrove doesn’t remember the last time he’s seen sunlight, or the last time he’s stepped inside a church. For over 500 years he’s been a vagabond, a wanderer, searching for a place to call home - until his travels land him in Hawkins, Indiana and his whole existence as he knows it is turned upside down.

pairing: billy hargrove x fem!reader rating: m (blood, a tint of smut, abuse, language)

A/N: WOW SORRY THIS TOOK FOREVER TO POST BUT THANK U FOR ALL THE RESPONSES AND FOR YOUR PATIENCE ILU ALL

Tagged: @killer-queen-xo @ephmrl-love @charmed-asylum @aillle8 @mattysheelies

—

Part 2 - Night

You were panicking.

Your foot was glued to the gas pedal, racing to beat the clock as time continued to dwindle by. You cursed the long and windy roads in Hawkins, they felt like they went on forever.

Stealthily and quickly, you managed to switch out of your heels and fishnet stockings while driving, it was a skill that was now second nature to you. Reaching behind you, you grabbed your converse, shoving one foot in at a time while you pulled over a large sweatshirt over you, effectively covering the skin tight dress you had on.

As soon as you pulled into your street, you made a sharp stop before your house. Grabbing the makeup wipes from your glove compartment, you hurriedly erased any evidence, wiping the ruby red lipstick off your lips, and the fake vampire bite off of your neck.

Incidentally, you also managed to wipe away the concealer that hid the dark purple marks around your neck.

You ran your hand through your hair, trying your best to smooth out the large curls that bounced with every shake of your head. When you felt presentable enough, you finally pulled into your driveway. Your eyes were glued to the front window where the faint glow of the TV was illuminating the living room floor.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck” you quietly muttered to yourself.

You threw your heels and fishnet stockings in the back of your car, grabbing your large purse that you had purposely placed there as well. Stepping out of your car, you composed yourself, trying hard to calm your frantic beating heart. With a deep inhale, you took the cautious steps up your porch, opening the front door and was greeted with the harsh scent of beer hitting your nose.

“D-dad? I-I’m home”

You tip-toed in the foyer, poking your head into the living room where you were met with the back of your father’s head, several beer cans were discarded around his feet.

You waited for a response, for anything, but were met with silence.

Silence was either a bad thing, or a good thing. You held your breath as you quietly walked over to him, your eyes shut as you pleaded to whatever gods above that he was passed out. When you finally reached him, you let out a sigh of relief.

He was knocked out, his mouth wide open with a half empty beer can in his hand.

You didn’t want him to spill the beer, so you gently reached over to his hand, trying your best to pull it out of his grasp but his other hand suddenly shot to your wrist, squeezing it tight. A yelp escaped from your mouth.

“You’re late” he slurred.

Your anxiety was through the roof, tears threatened to spill from your eyes. “I-I’m sorry Dad, Amber and I lost track of time at dinner, I promise it won’t happen again” you blubbered out, hoping that he’d believe your lie. He wasn’t easing up on his grip, but after a few seconds he threw your wrist back to you.

“Don’t let it fucking happen again” he hissed, taking a large chug.

You nodded quietly at him, your other hand gently rubbing where his painful grip was. You were sure to see marks on it tomorrow but you were an expert at covering up your bruises.

You soundlessly made your way upstairs, not wanting to rile him up any longer. You shut your bedroom door and rested your back behind it, sliding down and letting all the anxiety disseminate in that moment. You held your face in your hands, trying to remember to breathe through it all.

He wasn’t always like this. You have fond memories of a happy childhood, white picket fence and all. But out of the blue, your mother had up and left the both of you, claiming that this wasn’t the life for her. She had disappeared into thin air and you hated her for it.

It was then your father turned to drinking and started to blame you for everything. His problems at his job? Your fault. Your mother leaving the both of you? Your fault. His alcoholism? Your fault.

Everything in his eyes was your fault, you could do no right, even when you pulled the best grades in Hawkins.

You became his punching bag, his release for all his anger, his issues, and you had no escape.

You lifted your head back up and glanced up at the calendar that rested above your desk. November 7th had a large circle over it, it would be the day you turned 18 - it would be the day you finally could escape his wrath.

“Just one more week, just one more week and I’m outta here” you muttered to yourself.

You weren’t sure where to go, but you didn’t care. Since you were still 17 you weren’t legally allowed to leave the house yet. You graduated from Hawkins High with top marks but you decided to put university on pause - wanting to taste the world before you settled on school again. You had some money saved up from odd jobs here and there but you wanted to stay far away from the monster in the living room. He would effectively have no power over you and for the first time in your life, you felt like life wouldn’t be so bad.

You felt your phone buzzing, you pulled it out of your sweatshirt and swiped it open.

amber: hey u made it home ok?

y/n: yeah, i’m home thnx for checking up

Amber was your best friend, she had urged you multiple times to go talk to Hopper, but you knew it would just cause more issues than solve them. You were strong, you could withstand him for just one more week.

Your mind suddenly remembered the pale boy with the vampire costume. You quickly searched through your contacts until you found his name. Your thumb hovered over the texting symbol, debating on whether bringing a boy into your life would be worth it.

But something about him was … different … you couldn’t put your finger on it but he seemed off. He was incredibly gorgeous though, and you were surprised that he, out of all people in the party, paid any attention to you. Not to mention you had never seen the guy before, and everyone in Hawkins knew everyone.

“Fuck it” you said to yourself.

y/n: hey billy, it’s y/n from the party?

Instantly the text bubble appeared, you were surprised at how quickly he responded.

billy: hey gorgeous, sad to see you leave so early

What you didn’t know however, was that he was parked right across the street. His eyes were hyper-focused on your bedroom window. He was debating on whether scaling the tree or just watching you from afar. He knew it was a creep move but he didn’t care, he just wanted to make sure you were safe.

You let out a snort as you read his text.

y/n: ha, quite the charmer are you?

billy: i tend to charm the ladies here and there, what r u up to tonite?

y/n: bed, maybe watch some netflix, nothing too crazy.

billy: when can i see u again?

Billy was impatient, he had to catch a glimpse of you before the day broke again.

y/n: idk … we could hang tomorrow? maybe grab lunch?

An innocent lunch wouldn’t hurt you thought to yourself. What’s the harm in getting to know a cute boy?

Billy let out a huff, damn being a vampire.

billy: can’t, i’m busy all day and afternoon. maybe we can grab dinner if u want? i can pay ;)

You felt your heart start to race. Was he asking you out on a date? He hardly knew you.

y/n: r u asking me out on a date? lol

billy: if you want it to be

y/n: you hardly know me

billy: i can get to know you tomorrow night

A tiny smile appeared on your lips.

y/n: sure lol. pick me up tomorrow at 8. my address is 3843 willow lane. dont knock on my door just give me a text when youre here.

billy: sounds good, sweet dreams gorgeous ;)

You locked your phone and tossed it onto your bed. You stood back up, pulling off your sweatshirt and kicking off your converse. You unzipped your dress, letting it fall to the ground and pulled on a pair of cotton shorts and your Hawkins High sweatshirt.

You grabbed your laptop from your desk and walked over to your bed, pulling over the covers and settling yourself into the warmth of your comforter. You opened up your laptop and proceeded to open up Netflix to help you fall asleep.

Billy’s leg impatiently bounced up and down as he sat in his car. He watched as the light in your room turned off and as the light in the living room also turned off. He figured whoever was in the living room had also gone to bed, so he decided to make a move.

Moving stealthily and quickly, he ran over to your lawn, hoping that none of the neighbors would spot him. With his cat like reflexes he climbed up the tree outside of your room with ease, perching himself on a large branch that luckily extended out to your room.

His eyes scanned your bedroom, posters of different bands were hung up on your wall, a white desk sat in the corner, but his heart leapt when he finally landed on your sleeping figure. The soft glow of the laptop illuminated your face as you quietly slept through whatever TV show you were watching.

Even with your hair messily scattered on the pillow and your cheek pressed up against your arm you looked beautiful, breathtakingly gorgeous. His fingers were aching to touch you, even if just for a second.

“Oh fuck this”

His hands found themselves on the bottom of your window, he gently lifted it up, opening enough space for him to squeeze into your bedroom. With a soft thud, he landed into your room.  He waited a second to see if anyone or anything had been awakened by the noise, but luckily he was met with silence.

He walked over to your sleeping figure, he so badly wanted to crawl right beside you and hold you against his body but he fought strongly against it. He instead, sat right beside you, watching you as your chest rose and fell with every breath you took.

His fingers found themselves playing with the tendrils of your hair. He gently pulled back your hair to reveal your supple neck, but his eyes widened at what he saw instead.

Hot anger coursed through his body like poison. His eyes turned a dark red and his fangs promptly appeared. Billy was ready to attack, and your panicked demeanor at the party suddenly made sense to him.

His knuckles brushed up against the dark marks on your neck. The feeling of your skin on his hand sent shivers down his spine, it soothed his anger as it slowly dissipated out of him. He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to your cheek.

“I promise to get you out of here … if it’s the last thing I do” he whispered to you.

He felt you stir in your sleep, shifting around soundlessly. You cracked open your eyes as you felt a figure hover over you. You lifted your head up, looking around your bedroom.

But there was no one there, just the soft breeze of the wind rustling your posters in your bedroom.

You frowned, throwing your legs over your bed and walking to your window. You poked your head out, looking to see if anyone was out there, but you were met with the still of the night.

You shut your window close and threw yourself back into bed.

“Huh, must have been dreaming … “ you said to yourself as sleep quickly overtook you again.

—

You awoke the following morning with a stinging pain in your wrist. You lifted it up, inspecting the dull ache as the dark marks began to stain your skin. You let out an annoyed sigh, walking over to your bathroom and promptly starting a hot shower.

After washing your hair and scrubbing your skin, you then did your usual routine of concealing your bruises. You popped some Tylenol in hopes that it would soothe the ache in your wrist.

You waited to see if Billy would text you throughout the day, but you were disappointed to find that he didn’t. You didn’t let it deter you from the date you had planned with him tonight.

You stayed in your bedroom for most of Saturday, only heading downstairs to grab a bite to eat. Your father mostly ignored your presence as you did his.

As it was nearing 8, you went downstairs to the living room to find your father still glued to the couch with a beer in his hand.

“Dad?”

His eyes were glued to the TV. He acknowledged your presence by letting out a grunt.

“I’m gonna grab dinner with Amber tonight if that’s okay … “ your voice trailed off as you anxiously chewed the inside of your cheek.

He rolled his eyes towards you, they were glossy and bloodshot.

“Fine”

You nodded at him, uttering a thank you and walking back up stairs. As soon as you reached your bedroom, you began to plan your outfit, You figured jeans and a cute top would be good enough for tonight. You kept your makeup simple, some mascara and lipgloss, you weren’t necessarily trying to woo him tonight, just getting to know him.

It was only a date anyways.

At 8 on the dot your phone buzzed, you were trying to play it cool, but you were lying to yourself if you said you didn’t feel a little excited. You hadn’t been on a date in a long time, let alone with a gorgeous boy.

billy: hey beautiful, i’m outside

Grabbing a light jacket, you walked down the stairs, trying not to seem hurried in front of your dad.

“I’ll be back around 10 dad” you told him as you left. But yet again, you were met with silence. You were trying not to let anxiety gnaw at your stomach, you refused to let your dad ruin your date. So you quietly left your house and ran over to the blue car that was parked across the street.

Billy was lucky enough to find a close friend of Walt’s living in the next town over. He had texted Walt around 4 AM to see if he could spot anyone who could house him for the next couple of days. Victoria Marino - a sweet old vampire who had lived for almost as long as Walt was happy enough to have Billy stay over. It had been years since she had company, especially a vampire stay at her home.

“Walt told me everything” she told him. Billy towered over her, she was a frail little thing, but was sharp as hell. She gently grasped his shoulders, “You musn’t give up on love Billy, fight for her. Finding your Beloved is a powerful thing for us vampires, human or not”

He was more than happy to have someone on his side - even though he knew Walt was still vehemently against all of this.

You caught him standing outside his car, a pair of aviators rested against his nose, his mouth in a wide grin. His heart sped up as you approached him, he instinctively wished to scoop you up in his arms and place kisses all over you, hold you close until the dawn broke, but instead he controlled himself as you stood in front of him.

With a soft smile you greeted him, “Hi”

He returned the smile back, “Hey”

He promptly then walked over to the passenger side, opening the door for you, “Our reservation at Enzo’s awaits for us”

You raised your eyebrows, “Enzo’s? That’s pretty expensive, you didn’t have to go all out”

Billy shrugged, “It’s no big thing, it is the nicest place in town”

You stared at him for a brief second, wondering why on earth this guy you’d just met was pulling all the stops for you. With the slight shake of your head you let out a soft laugh and entered his car. You gazed around in awe at how nice his car was, everything looked brand new, it even still had that brand new smell.

“Holy shit you have a really nice car” you told him as he sat down in the driver’s seat.

“Ah, you should have seen my 78′ Camaro, that engine purred”

“Big car guy eh?”

A smirked donned on his lips, “Yeah, I guess you could say that”

—

The car ride to Enzo’s was filled with good music and Billy asking you 101 questions about yourself - which you didn’t mind, but you found it odd that whenever you asked about his family, he instantly changed the subject. Anything personal about him was very vague and very brief.

You didn’t want to admit to yourself that it raised warning bells in your head, you wanted to stay positive about the experience, hopeful that maybe this guy would be the one you’d spend the rest of your life with.

He was a gentleman the whole way there, letting you pick the music, not speaking over you, genuinely interested in everything you had to say. It was refreshing to say the least.

When the both of you arrived at Enzo’s he instantly ran out and over to your side, opening the door for you. He extended his hand for you to take and you took it, gently pulling you out of your seat.

He tossed his key to the valet parking, “Take care of her will ya buddy?” he patted the guy on his shoulder, handing him a 50 dollar bill.

fuck I think this guy is loaded you thought to yourself.

Billy wrapped his arm around you, the both of you walking step by step into the restaurant. The gesture made you feel all warm and tingly inside, for once in your life you actually felt safe around a male presence.

The two of you were quickly seated, Billy specifically asking for a private table.

“Of course Mr. Hargrove, please follow me” the host said.

With his arm still wrapped around your shoulder, you glanced up at him, “Billy, seriously, you didn’t have to go all out … you only just met me yesterday … “ you muttered to him.

He shook his head as he pulled your chair out for you, “No, please, this is nothing” he waved your comment off.

You sat down on the chair, watching as Billy came around and sat across from you.

The entire dinner went pleasantly well. Besides some things that made you raise your eyebrow (He told you he was deathly allergic to garlic, and he rarely ate his food, just picked around it). Billy was nothing but kind, warming and inviting to you. It helped that he was charming as hell, and by the time dinner finished, you could see yourself going on another date with him - which usually doesn’t happen.

The drive back to your house was filled with laughter and long talks. You both bonded over bands and artists you both love, about movies, about tv shows. You truly didn’t want the night to end. As he pulled up across the street from your house you hesitated on leaving, anxiety started to pool within your stomach, dreading to be back in the same house as that monster you called your father.

“This was an amazing night Billy, truly, the most fun I’ve had in such a long time” you told him.

He gave you a wide grin, shrugging casually, “Well what can I say?”

The both of you stared at each other in silence, your eyes moving down to his lips. Courage surged through you and you leaned towards him, your one hand placed on his cheek as you placed your lips on his. Billy was surprised to say the least, his blue eyes widened in shock as he felt your soft lips on his, but the shock quickly wore off as he melted into your touch. The warmth of your hand burned the cold of his cheek. You gently pulled away, nuzzling your nose onto his.

Breathlessly, he spoke, “Does this mean I get to see you again?”

You nodded, your thumb rubbing soft circles over the apple of his cheek, “Text me tonight?”

Instead of responding, he placed a chaste kiss on your lips. He wanted the feeling of your lips on his to last forever, and now that he knew he was open to kiss you, he never wanted to stop.

He watched as you got out of his car and made your way back into your house. Before you opened the front door however, you turned around, faced his car and gave him a small wave.

You shut the door quietly behind you, resting your body on it. You had a crush and it was bad. You were grinning like a fool in love and for the first time, in a very long time, things didn’t seem so bad.

You quietly then walked through the foyer until you reached the living room. The TV still on from earlier, and your dad still sitting in the same position. You poked your head in, “Hi dad, I’m back … it’s 9:45 … I’m early” you meekly announced to him.

He gave you no response as he continued to chug his beer. You took that as a good sign.

The minute you reached your bedroom, your phone started to buzz. Instantly you pulled it out of your pocket and smiled stupidly at the text.

billy: did u make it in okay?

y/n: yes im fine lol, i want to see you again … is tomorrow a possibility?

billy: hmm … idk … dinner was kinda boring … ;)

y/n: ha ha ha very funny

billy: of course we can meet up again tomorrow, id love to

y/n: great! i want to take you to the quarry, its amazing, u can see all the stars out there

billy: getting all romantical on me now?

y/n: hey you started this lol, besides a little romance with a cute guy never hurt anyone

billy: you calling me cute?

y/n: duh who else would i be referring to?

Your fingers had never been more glued to your phone. You spent all night texting Billy until you ended up passing out with your phone gripped in your hand. By the time you had passed out, Billy was already getting ready for bed. Victoria had been watching him the whole time as he sat in her living room couch, his fingers typing away furiously with every text he received. Billy swore he heard her mutter an ‘Oy, youths … ‘ at one point which made him chuckle.

It was almost noon by the time you had awakened, the sun beamed in brightly through your bedroom windows. You pulled your phone towards you to check the time but was surprised to see a text from Billy at 4:04 AM.

billy: sweet dreams beautiful girl … <3

The text sent butterflies swarming to your stomach, you threw a pillow over your face to cover up the shit-eating grin you were currently sporting, but a sudden loud banging from your door quickly dissolved all of those emotions.

“There’s no fucking food in the house! Make yourself useful for once and go shopping!”

Your father’s voice roared behind the door, instinctively you pulled the covers over your head, fearing that he was going to come in and hurl more insults at you. But when you heard his footsteps continue down the hall you let out a sigh of relief.

You then quickly got ready for the day, running out towards the local market and buying food for you and your father - not that you ate most of the time at home, you were always feeling too nervous or anxious to eat at home. So you always made excuses to meet up with friends to grab lunch or dinner at a cafe or restaurant nearby.

You were hoping to hear back from Billy throughout the day, but just like the day before he was silent, not a call or text from him. You tried not to let it get to you, you distracted yourself by cleaning up around your room, or watching a show on Netflix, but by the time the sun had started to set you finally received a text from him.

billy: hey beautiful, im on the way

Billy too had fallen asleep in his coffin with his phone glued to his hand. You were the first thing on his mind the instant he awoke - already forming plans for the two of you.

Victoria was kind enough to always lay a full glass of blood for him every morning. The last thing she needed was a love-struck vampire to go into blood-lust mode, there’s no way a vampire can control their actions when going into that head space. They become vicious, relentless and absolutely terrifying. It has happened to Billy only once before and if it wasn’t for Walt being around he was pretty sure that Billy would have slaughtered more humans than intended.

You swiped your phone to unlock it, fingers working quickly as you texted him back,

y/n: c ya soon ;)

You held your phone close to your chest when you realized that you were nowhere ready to go out looking the way you did. You threw your phone on your bed, quickly hopping into the shower and prepping your face. You kept your outfit casual again, with a pair of high-rise jeans, black boots and a cute sweater.

When you heard your phone buzzing, signaling that Billy was outside, you realized one important detail - telling your father that you’d be going out.

There was no way you were going to miss hanging out with Billy, but you knew that if you were to tell your drunk of a father that you were heading out without notifying him earlier, that there was no way that he’d let you out. You glanced over at your window, it was the only option left.

You opened up your window, poking your head outside. Billy watched you with curious eyes from his car as you shimmied out of your bedroom window, reaching towards the large branch from the tree outside your room. Once you were safely perched on the branch, you were able to quickly scale down the large oak tree. You landed softly on the grass, taking in your surroundings before making a mad dash to the car parked across the street.

Billy unlocked his car as you flung open the passenger side door, quickly sitting down and pulling the seat belt over you.

Billy wasn’t stupid - he knew exactly what was going on since he saw the dark marks on your neck. Everything started to make sense to him, your punctuality, the fact he wasn’t allowed near your house. He’d even caught wind of your anxious ticks, the way you bounced your leg restlessly at dinner last night, or how you’d constantly be glancing at the time on your phone.

He didn’t want to pry, it was a delicate subject to touch upon. He just wanted you to be safe - and he only had less than a week to convince you to come with him to New York.

Billy played it stupid to keep you comfortable.

“Sneaking out today are we?” he smirked as he pulled out of your neighborhood.

You let out a nervous laugh, rubbing your neck, “Y-yeah, you know how parents can be”

Billy wouldn’t know, he hasn’t seen his in over 500 years and Walt always let him do whatever he wanted, just as long as he played it safe.

“So, where is this quarry that you speak of?” he asked, pulling up his phone and opening up Google maps.

“No need for GPS, I can guide you there, just take a left at this upcoming road, then keep going straight until you reach Richland Road, then it’s just a straight shot from there on out. You can’t miss it, trust me”

He nodded at your words, pulling out of the neighborhood and following your guidance until he reached the infamous quarry - and you were right, it was the perfect place to see stars.

You eagerly stepped out of his car, your eyes gazing up to the dark sky that was illuminated by thousands if not hundreds of bright speckles.

In all of his 500 years of living, Billy had never seen such a thing. Sure he’d been all around the world, but he had never seen the sky lit up so bright until tonight. He followed you, stepping out of his car, his eyes glued to the sky. 

“Shit, you weren’t kidding ... “ he muttered to you.

“Yeah ... I’m gonna miss it” you spoke wistfully.

His eyes shot back down to you, his lips puckered into a frown. “What do you mean?”

You broke out of your gaze, not realizing what you had just said. A half smile formed on your lips as you tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. You rested against the trunk of his car, “I’m uh, leaving Hawkins, in about 5 days ... I’m turning 18 and I’m leaving”

There was a sense of hesitation in your voice, Billy heard it loud and clear. But the fact that you were planning on leaving right when he was supposed to head back to New York ... it was as if fate was working it’s magic. His heart wanted to leap with joy, but he played it cool, calm and collected. He joined you by the trunk of his car, resting his body against it as well.

“Where you heading to?”

You shrugged, “Don’t know, haven’t figured it out”

Billy nodded, still trying to play it cool. “You know, I have a place in New York”

You turned to face him, “Oh yeah?” There was a pregnant pause, “You propositioning me?” a slight smile spread over your lips, your tone turned playful as he blushed.

Billy shifted his feet, feeling the gravel dig underneath his shoes. “I - I ... you know, if you’re looking for a place ... I have a place you know? And New York is pretty cool, I could show you around ... if you want of course!”

You wanted to laugh at his bashfulness, how quickly he was able to go from Mr. Charming Man to a blubbering mess within 10 minutes. You leaned over to him, resting your head on his shoulder. Billy instantly froze the moment he felt your body heat on his. and became more of a statue when your fingers found his - linking them for warmth, but you frowned, squeezing his hand tightly.

“You’re so cold ... “ you commented.

You glanced down at the linked hands, and suddenly came the realization just how pale Billy actually was compared to you. You quickly brushed it off, continuing your gaze to the night sky above.

“Maybe you can join me in California ... get some sun in you eh?” you gently jabbed his side with your elbow as he let out a chuckle.

“I’ve thought about moving to California ... “ he paused as he lets his thoughts meander around his head. California was definitely on his list for places to live, but he couldn’t help but feel bitter at the fact that he couldn’t fully enjoy it. He wanted to learn how to surf so bad, to enjoy the beaches, to hang out by the boardwalk.

But he couldn’t do that without his Beloved by his side.

Your voice broke his thoughts, “Why didn’t you?”

He lets out a large breath through his nose. Sometimes he truly hated being a vampire. “Oh you know, life brought me to New York instead. Maybe one day”

You nodded slowly at his response. Silence then took over the conversation, the both of you just relishing in each other presence. You didn’t want to admit it, but a small part of you was falling for him - and falling hard. A constant battle between your heart and head was currently taking place, and your heart was in the lead.

You’re not sure why, but you felt a sense of peacefulness wash over you whenever you were with him.

But something - call it the universe, call it your gut, call it intuition, - was telling you to stay with him.

“Maybe New York would be good for me ... “ you suddenly spoke.

He glanced down at you, his mouth in a grin so wide you swore you saw all his pearly whites. “Oh yeah?”

“Give me more time to think about it okay?”

He squeezed your small hand. It burned the coldness of his skin but he was far too in love to care. He leaned his head over yours, placing a kiss on your hair.

“Take your time. I’ll be here”

And he was. The two of you were completely attached at the hip the rest of the week, texting each other nonstop, sneaking out to hang with him every night. At this point your father’s drinking has become more rampant, he’d be passed out completely by 7 PM, which gave you a sense of security whenever you sneaked out of the house.

The more you hung out with the blue-eyed blonde, the harder you were beginning to fall for him. Billy was a complete dork in his comfortable nature, you two would blast out cheesy pop songs and sing them at the top of your lungs. Or sneak into a late night movie where he would toss popcorn at your hair every now and then to get your attention. You wondered why he was never available in the morning or afternoon - but when you brought the subject up he would just casually brush it off, explaining that he had work to take care of.

Billy on the other hand, was completely enamored with you. He was sure that the universe did the right thing and made you his soulmate because there was no way in hell he was ever leaving your side - and he was desperately hoping you felt the same way.

Of course things between the two of you got physical. If you both weren’t out doing something, you’d both be out at the quarry, usually in his backseat with his hands underneath your shirt and your fingers tangled in his short curls. He didn’t want to pressure you to go all the way - that would come when it came - but my god was he finding it harder to control himself around you. 

It was November 6th - a day left - when the both of you were fooling around in the backseat of his car. Your thighs wrapped around his waist as your hands found purchase on his face. His lips were everywhere - he could feel your pulse race, your blood run, with every breath you took and it was taking everything in his power not to sink his fangs on your tender neck right there and then.

You pulled away from his lips, gazing into his eyes as you rested your forehead on his. 

“I’m coming with you. To New York” 

Your announcement almost made his heart stop. He gently pulled away from you, an incredulous look on his face, “A-are you serious?”

You bit your bottom lip to keep you from exploding from excitement, but you nodded happily at him. “Yeah, I’ve never been more sure before in my life.”

“Shit. Y/N. We have to celebrate!” He exclaimed. You swore you had never seen a man so happy before. You giggled at how boyishly happy he suddenly turned.

“Slow down there Casanova ... I still need to pack, get all my things together”

“Right, right, yeah, of course” he ran his fingers through his hair, trying to let the news sink into him.

His plan actually worked. He couldn’t wait to tell Victoria and to show boat to Walt.

You gently ran your fingers through his hair as it got quiet in the car. Your eyes filled with love as you gazed down on him. The moon was full tonight, and the bright light that it emitted shone through the car - illuminating Billy. He seemed much more paler than the last several days, and you were starting to wonder if he needed go to see a doctor.

“What?” he questioned urgently, “Do I have something on my face?”

His hands quickly shot up to his face, touching around. You giggled, shaking your head.

“No, you just look really pretty under the moonlight”

A smile spread upon his lips. His hands then reached up to your cheeks, stroking them softly.

“You’re beautiful Y/N. I hope you know that”

You let out a small laugh, “Billy, you tell me that all the time”

“I know but just in case you ever forgot ... “

You shut him up by pressing your lips onto his. He instead found it hilarious to drop his hands from your cheeks, and to squeeze your sides. You pulled away from him as laughter erupted from your mouth, throwing your head back and trying to wiggle away from his grasp. The effort came to be fruitless as you were caught between his body and the back of the passenger seat.

His actions finally stopped, letting you take a moment to catch your breath. He marveled at the way your cheeks glowed a rosy red, and how your eyes twinkled brightly under the moonlight.

You glanced over at the clock on his car, your eyes widened at the time.

“Shit. It’s late. I need to get back”

You pushed yourself off of him, adjusting your shirt and straightening your hair back down. The both of you stepped out of his car to move back up to the front. The entire way back Billy was animatedly talking about all the places he’d take you in New York - but in reality his mind was reeling, wondering how he was ever going to explain to you what he truly was - and if you were to ever accept him.

It was a risk he was going to have to take, and a risk that he was willing to die for.

He pulled up near your house, remembering your strict instructions to never pull up in front of your house.

“I’ll pick you up as soon as the sun sets okay? I’ll be finished with work by then, and we can make it a night trip” he told you.

You nodded happily at him, leaning towards him and pressing a kiss on his cheek. “I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight ... I’m too excited”

“Happy early Birthday Y/N. I promise tomorrow will be a day you’ll never forget”

He grabbed your hand, bringing it up to his lips and pressing a kiss. You in return squeezed his hand before you exited out of his car and headed towards your house.

There was an extra hop in your step as you approached your front door, quietly unlocking it with your key. You entered your foyer, your head turning to face the living room, fully expecting to see your father passed out.

But he wasn’t there.

Fear ran it’s cool claws down your neck as panic began to set in. You ran into the kitchen, hoping to see him rummaging in the fridge for another beer. But he wasn’t there either.

You quickly ran up the stairs and ran straight into your room. You swore you had never felt such a sense of fear enter your body than when you saw your father sitting on your bed, his face completely stoic, his eyes blurry and red.

“D-Dad - “

“You little whore”

It was as if venom was pouring out of his mouth whenever he spoke. His eyes darted over to you as his mouth turned into a nasty snarl. He slowly stood up, walking over to you with his fists clenched by his side.

You began to hyperventilate as he towered over you. Your eyes filled with tears as you avoided his death glare.

His hands shot up and grabbed you by the collar of your shirt, pining you to your bedroom door as you yelped in pain.

“You think I’m fucking stupid huh? You think I haven’t seen you sneaking out for the past couple of days like some fucking slut?!”

You quietly sobbed, squeezing your eyes shut as he pinned you harder to the door.

“Answer me!”

He pulled you up, you felt your feet leave the ground as he threw you across your bedroom. Your body landed with a loud thud, spraining your wrist in the process. You let out a loud and painful wail, he watched you with a sick grin on his face as your body was wrecked with sobs.

Shakily, you reached for towards your pocket, pulling out your phone. Your fingers worked nimbly as you found Billy’s name through your texts. You hit the call button and slid your phone under the bed before your father could come and snatch it from you.

You tried pulling yourself up, but pain shot through you as you applied pressure on your wrist, bringing you back down to the floor. Your father stalked over your body as you desperately tried to crawl away from him.

Billy was stopped at a red light when he saw his phone light up with your name on it. With a soft smile, he picked up the phone, “Hey gorgeous miss me - “

“Billy! Help!”

His blood ran cold at the horrific sound of your voice.

“Y/N?”

He heard a loud thud, then followed by an ear-shattering scream. Without even thinking, he pulled a U-turn at the light, his foot pressing hard onto the gas pedal as he was reaching speeds of 90 MPH to reach your house in time. His eyes were turning a dark red, his fangs were fully visible.

There was no stopping in him getting him to you. He would slaughter anyone who would stand in his way.

He stopped his car in front of your house and darted out his car door. He was moving so fast it was as if a wind breeze was passing by. Using his shoulder he broke down the front door and ran up the stairs to your bedroom where he was met with a gut-wrenching scene.

Your father was on his knees, tears pooling out of his eyes as he sobbed over your unconscious body. Your body was splayed out on your bedroom floor, blood trickling down your nose and out of the corner of your head. Your father was too drunk to even realize that Billy had walked into the bedroom, but before he could even glance up Billy had thrown himself on him - pinning him down the floor.

“What the fuck did you do?!” Billy roared at him.

Your father continued to cry as Billy’s fingers squeezed his neck, cutting off his air circulation.

“I - I ... “

But before he could formulate a sentence, Billy had already sunken his fangs into him.

Your father screamed as Billy drained him from all the blood of his body. Leaving the man as a hollow shell, pale and empty. Billy pulled away from him, his body relishing the taste of human blood. He licked his lips, not wanting to drop a single taste a blood from the feeding.

After he was sure he drank all that he could. He ran over to your body, gently lifting your head onto his lap.

“No, no, no, no, Y/N, wake up, please wake up ... “

He put two fingers on your neck, trying to find any indication that you were still alive. He faintly felt a pulse - but he knew that your father had done too much damage.

He had failed you - he had failed to keep his promise.

He let out a whimpering sob, holding your limp body into his arms. Billy knew he could save you, but would you ever forgive him?

He had to make a decision - and quick.

So he scooped you into his arms, bringing your neck to his mouth.

“I’m sorry Y/N ... please forgive me”

He sunk his fangs into your neck and prayed that you would survive the next 24 hours.

[mascaratearsnlipsticksmears]

1..Who was the last person you held hands with? Probably My son

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Shy until I’m

Comfortable

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My surgeon

4. Are you easy to get along with? I try to Be. Don’t give me a reason to not Like you 😉

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Never had someone take care of me from drinking .....I’m usually taking care of everyone else

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Loyal. Chill. Down to earth .

7. Are you married? No.

8. Do you want to get married? Eventually . I do , but I need it to be for the right reason.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Makes me feel Lonely lately believe it or not.... 😔

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Steve

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “Oh cool 😎”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

lil peep- star shopper

Brand new-Jesus Christ

Bebe rexha- I’m a mess

Anything Billie eillish

Doja cat -rules

Ashnikko-daisy

That’s more than 5, Idc

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Only certain people

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? I don’t know anymore

15. What good thing happened this summer? Got a tan and not covid 👌🏼👌🏼

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? My little guy? I will kiss him when ever I can cause one day he’s not gonna want me to and I’ll be sad

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Absolutely

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Yes

19. Do you like bubble baths? 110%

20. Do you like your neighbors? Yea

21. What are you bad habits? Overthinking, caring to much.

22. Where would you like to travel? Anywhere

23. Do you have trust issues? No, people that scumbag me Normally get cut off so I only keep ppl around I trust.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Coffee & a bowl

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? Uhhh everything from the chin down 😔

26. What do you do when you wake up? Set gage up for class in the living room

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?darker

28. Who are you most comfortable around? Lauren Rayza

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? They don’t get the chance, yes a few tried to contact me but my mentality is fuck them.... one even tried emailing my friends to reach me 🙄🙄🖕🏼

30. Do you ever want to get married? I do, one day. Didn’t I just answer this

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? Yes

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Idk I’d have to think about it

33. Spell your name with your chin. The fuck?

34. Do you play sports? What sports? Bought a bike yesterday Lol. I used to be on the swim team and I played soccer~ also took dance for 7 years.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? Depends on my mood

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Absolutely.

37. What do you say during awkward silences? Try to avoid them at all Costs

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? No.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Sephora Ulta Victoria secret

40. What do you want to do after high school? Lol I think that bridge has been crosses already

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Not everyone , no.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? Normally bad anxiety and hurting , or extremely chill

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yea I do.... but now I forget I have a mask on and look like a retard

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Can I just going fishing ?

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? My son.

46. What are you paranoid about? Money

47. Have you ever been high? There’s a joint in my hand.

48. Have you ever been drunk? Who writes these things??

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? No.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Navy

51. Ever wished you were someone else? Eh wish I was still me with more $$$

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? I don’t have to wish, I’m doing it.

53. Favourite makeup brand? Tarte, morphs, fenty

54. Favourite store? Didn’t I answer this?

55. Favourite blog? My own💚

56. Favourite colour? Black, Periwinkle , light lavender ,pink

57. Favourite food? Japanese

58. Last thing you ate? 8 hours slow cooked ribs

59. First thing you ate this morning? Coffee

60. Ever won a competition? For what? Probably & Idr

61. Been suspended/expelled? Started a food fight in the science lab and they suspended the wrong Angela ~Womp womp...I did get detention a lot cause my shirt was too low in the front tho.

62. Been arrested? No

63. Ever been in love? Yea I think so

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? No. ☺️

65. Are you hungry right now? I could eat.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? Meh

67. Facebook or Twitter? Fb

68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?yes

70. Names of your bestfriends? Stephanie Lauren Rayza Kat Christina

71. Craving something? A simple hand hold...😔.... compliment here or there . To not have to do everything myself... I crave the help I constantly ask for and never get. I crave dick, I just don’t understand this shit anymore.... damnit tumblr u struck a nerve .

72. What colour are your towels? Mixed

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 1

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?idk

75. Favourite animal? So many..... tigers maybe? & Lynx. Sharks.

76. What colour is your underwear? Not wearing any 😬

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Mint chocolate chip

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Olive green

80. What colour pants? None on.

81. Favourite tv show? In the dark

82. Favourite movie? All 50 shades.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? First one

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? How do these compare

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? The Lebanese chick

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Turtles

87. First person you talked to today? Gage

88. Last person you talked to today? Myself

89. Name a person you hate? Hate is a strong word.

90. Name a person you love? Gage

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Lol Geoff

92. In a fight with someone? No

93. How many sweatpants do you have? No idea

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?Too many

95. Last movie you watched? “What if”

96. Favourite actress? Perry Mattfeld

97. Favourite actor? Hmmmm

98. Do you tan a lot?yassss

99. Have any pets? A zoo

100. How are you feeling? Confused, tired burning out ..

101. Do you type fast? I try

102. Do you regret anything from your past? Yes

103. Can you spell well? Eh

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Yes

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yes

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? Yes

107. Have you ever been on a horse? Yes

108. What should you be doing? Listing stuff on Etsy

109. Is something irritating you right now? No

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? Absolutely

111. Do you have trust issues? No, just don’t give me a reason too.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Ohhhh I don’t cry in front of ppl,cause then there’s a witness... did cry today tho, but you couldn’t see me.

113. What was your childhood nickname? Angiefur

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yes

115. Do you play the Wii?not really

116. Are you listening to music right now? No

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Yes

118. Do you like Chinese food? Yes

119. Favourite book? Crank

120. Are you afraid of the dark?some times

121. Are you mean? Don’t cross me 😘

122. Do you believe in “the one that got away”? Yes.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? I try

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? Idk

125. Do you believe in true love? Yes

126. Are you currently bored? Yes

127. What makes you happy? Attention lol romance? I think romance is dead tho...

128. Would you change your name? My last name? If I were getting married, yes

129. What your zodiac sign? Leo

130. Do you like subway? Food yes, smelly train no....

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? All my besties have vaginas, nothing to worry about.

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Steve

133. Favourite lyrics right now? Brand new : Jesus Christ

134. Can you count to one million? Yea but why

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I don’t lie so I don’t have that problem

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Closed Cause only 1 Of my 4 asshole cats I allowed in my room

137. How tall are you? Oh how short am I? 5’1

138. Curly or Straight hair? Straight

139. Brunette or Blonde? Right now black

140. Summer or Winter?summer

141. Night or Day? Summer nights

142. Favourite month? August

143. Are you a vegetarian? Keto

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Dark

145. Tea or Coffee? Coffee

146. Was today a good day? I think so

147. Mars or Snickers? Dark chocolate Milky Way

148. What’s your favourite quote? I’d have to think about it

149. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“His thumb brushes my lower lip, and his breath hitches. He’s staring into my eyes, and I hold his anxious, burning gaze for a moment, or maybe it’s forever…but eventually, my attention is drawn to his beautiful mouth. And for the first time in twenty-one years, I want to be kissed.”

Excerpt From

Fifty Shades Trilogy Bundle: Fifty Shades of Grey; Fifty Shades Darker; Fifty Shades Freed

E L James

This material may be protected by copyright.

[onthevirgeofdestruction]

Storytime!

Sanders Sides Canon Divergence AU - fluff/angst - hurt/comfort - some intrigue - actually has a plot (side eyes my other fics) - largely Virgil centric - it’s about growth i guess idk

Words: 3,960 Warnings: Spiders Characters: Virgil, Janus, Roman, Patton, Logan, (Remus in passing) Universe: Storytime! Genre: Clingy Idiocy still

Chapter 26: In Which Bishops Haunt Virgil Again

newsflash virgil is still clingy but he’s doing okay unlike everybody else

chapter 1 for new readers - ffn mirror

   Virgil sat quietly next to Deceit with his hood up as Deceit talked to Remus again the next morning, waiting for whatever this meeting was where Remus got bit was to be over. Virgil leaned heavily on Deceit with the weight of exhaustion lulling him back to sleep. He couldn’t stop his eyes from fluttering periodically, though he stayed awake. He had trouble getting back to sleep this morning for some reason. Lately, he had been sleeping like a rock, but today he just groaned and rolled around after Thomas woke up.

   Remus waved with a manic smile and disappeared from the room. Virgil yawned and looked up to Deceit, who pulled his hood down. Sounds came back to Virgil’s ears as he blinked slowly up to him.

   “Can I stay with you today?” Virgil asked quietly and hung on to Deceit’s cloak.

   “Of course, I’m completely free to lollygag around, Virgil,” Deceit said sarcastically.

   “Please? I’ll be quiet. I’ll just nap for a bit or something,” Virgil pleaded hopefully. He really didn’t like being alone anymore. The idea alone made him squirm.

   “Can’t you play with your other friends?” Deceit looked to him in annoyance.

   “Logan’s on to something and Roman was asking too many questions. I can’t hang out in Pat’s room with him. I’m just too tired to deal with Remus right now. I just want to steer clear for a day. One day is not too bad to skip on, right?” Virgil begged with a sigh. “I don’t want to be alone all day. I know I’ll have to go back to my room later and all,” Virgil couldn’t stop the sad expression on his face from the knowledge of the inevitable and the potential of D just sending him to his room right away.

   “I suppose I can work in here for now,” Deceit conceded, sounding a little frustrated, and shifted to sit against the wall on the bed. He summoned a folder and his signature quill and worked on his wildly involved business. Virgil smiled and curled up next to him, pulled his sound dampening hood over his head, and rested his head on the edge of Deceit’s lap. Virgil looked up to see a half-smile on Deceit’s face and nestled in to and finally started drifting again.

— * * * —

   Patton looked longingly at the clock in the kitchen and frowned. “I guess Virgil isn’t coming to breakfast,” He said sadly, tapping his fingers against the tabletop. They had finished the food some time ago, and they were all sitting around chatting with coffees or cocoa, waiting for their weird anxiety. Roman knew he’d need to stick around to make breakfast for him, but Logan had even finished his paper and didn’t return to his room either. Roman leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs.

   “Maybe he’s sick?” Roman supplied. “He was acting a little odd,” Roman said, feeling worried and glancing at Virgil’s regular chair.

   “I doubt that Thomas has suddenly come down with some kind of mental ailment that would discombobulate Anxiety. He appears to be performing his functions just fine. Thomas is alert, mindful, and ready, to a certain extent. I believe he is just sleeping in again if the past few days are any indication. I am concerned, however, that he has been avoiding me for 2 days,” Logan said tonelessly, flipping through his newspaper.

   “Maybe he doesn’t mean to? He hasn’t been avoiding us and he knows we talk to you,” Patton suggested. “We’ve been busy lately. Maybe it’s just a misunderstanding,” Patton added hopefully.

   “I appreciate your optimism, Patton, but I would like to talk to him, regardless,” Logan said evenly and refilled his coffee cup. “Would you wake him, Roman?”

   “He just said yesterday that it was a terrible idea to wake him up,” Roman said and stayed seated with his latte.

   “Virgil has a tendency to exaggerate at times. It is just part of being anxiety. I am positive you will be fine,” Logan insisted, looking annoyed.

   “If it was something deters Remus of all sides, it’s probably a massive deal. You’re volunteering to come in and help me if I call, then?” Roman grumbled and put his drink down.

   “That is a reasonable compromise,” Logan said, calling Roman’s bluff right away. He didn’t get why Logan couldn’t just go, other than the whole ‘avoiding him’ thing. Roman grimaced and sank down to head to Anxiety’s room.

   The room was well lit, perhaps even a little sun coming through the windows. Nothing seemed out-of-place other than the fact that Virgil definitely wasn’t here. He wasn’t on the stairs, hiding in the couch cushions, not in the kitchen pantry. It was so eerily silent in there that Roman swore he could hear the spiders move. Probably Beatrice on the prowl. At least Roman hoped that Virgil didn’t have any non-pet spiders that were not as docile as Beatrice that he was hearing creep up on him. Maybe it was just the room trying to trick him. Anxiety’s room did always give him the creeps. It was no wonder Virgil enjoyed hanging out in Roman’s room. Roman kicked and pushed and dug around a little more, but it didn’t even look lived in. Virgil usually had blankets and pillows strewn around after waking up since he liked to bundle himself up. There was just one blanket folded neatly on the couch. Roman couldn’t even find a pair of headphones anywhere. Roman gave up searching for him and sunk back to the kitchen table.

   “He’s not in there. It’s so empty that it doesn’t look like he had even been there recently,” Roman said, turning around to look at the stairwell. “I guess he’s in someone’s room?”

   “He could also be in the mind palace,” Logan offered. Roman’s face twinged. He better not be. “That was an odd reaction to my suggestion, Roman,” Logan stated with slight suspicion, raising his eyebrow at Roman.

   “I’m just worried,” Roman said dismissively. Virgil didn’t want anyone to know, and it seemed harmless to hide it. It’s not like it would change anything if Logan knew why he shouldn’t be in there. Virgil would still be missing. “He’s been very present lately, and it’s odd to not see him,” Roman said, sitting back down to work on his latte again.

   “Yeah, it’s been so fun to hang out with Virgil! But maybe he’s recuperating. He has probably been pushing his social energy to the limit lately,” Patton mused with a slight smile.

   “It’d make more sense if he was recuperating in his room, not in the mind palace or in somebody else’s room.” Logan corrected him.

   “Maybe he’s a master of illusion and was hiding in his room!” Patton suggested excitedly.

   “The only illusion I’ve seen him flaunt is somehow being comfortable and not sliding down the stairs when he lies on them,” Roman said, dismissing that idea.

   “Yes, I have also seen Virgil laying upside down on the stairs. I find it somewhat unnerving that he ignores physics so brazenly,” Logan replied. “I do not believe he would be in anyone else’s room, but if you see him, please direct him gently to talk to me. I will finish the information packets in my room,” Logan said with a nod of goodbye a sunk away.

   “Well, I can’t blame him for wanting to talk to Virgil and all, that but was annoying of him to make me his errand boy twice in the same five minutes,” Roman huffed and crossed his arms, leaning back on the chair.

   “Oh, I doubt he meant it like that, champ. It’s only if we see him in passing,” Patton said placatingly.

   “I’ll be in my room working most of the day, not passing by random side’s rooms for fun. I’m following Logan’s stupid schedule. He should know that,” Roman gestured in frustration and took another drink of latte.

   “Thomas has been busy lately. I’m impressed Logan found the time to write something and the packets. I kind of thought he’d skip them this week since you two have been working more and more these past couple days. I’m surprised you’re not more tired in the evenings,” Patton said, leaning forward on his hands.

   “You know me, padre, I’ve got plenty of energy,” Roman smiled knowingly and winked and Patton.

   “Oh! You’re right. I forgot,” Patton giggled. “Well, I hope you take the breaks you need, anyway. Creative burn out is serious business!” Patton said seriously, tapping the table with his pointer finger.

   “I’m well aware. I’ve got it under control. It’s actually nice to blow off steam with Virgil in the evenings,” Roman shrugged and crossed his legs.

   “You have been seeing him at night for a few days now. You haven’t been fighting the entire time, have you?” Patton said, looking critically at Roman.

   “Not the whole time,” Roman scoffed and posed with his hand to imply the implication offended him.

   “You should be nicer to him,” Patton frowned.

   “Trust me, Virgil usually starts it. He’s a little…” Roman considered the right word and twisted his hand in the air while he processed it. “… feral in my room,” Roman flipped his hand in the air. “Last night he tried to start a fight three times,” Roman sighed, shaking his head.

   “Oh! Well, sorry for accusing you of being mean, then,” Patton said sheepishly.

   “It’s fine. I started plenty of fights with him. It wasn’t an unfair assumption, and you haven’t seen him in my room before,” Roman said dismissively with a slight shrug.

   “Well, our kiddo is sure full of a lot more fight than flight, lately!” Patton mused, sipping his cocoa.

   “Well, unless you believe Logan’s whole… ‘avoiding him’ thing. I haven’t seen Virgil do that thing where he stiffens and runs off or anything,” Roman said, not really believing Logan’s accusation. Though Virgil was acting exceptionally weird, either way.

   “As I said, It’s gotta be a misunderstanding. Virgil’s been downright pleasant lately,” Patton pouted, summoning more marshmallows into his drink. 

   “Well, maybe for you,” Roman laughed. “I still say he’s feral. Oh, gorgon breath, Thomas has been at the computer blanking and I didn’t notice. He got there early today,” Roman rushed to stand up. “Damnit, Logan, that’s not on the schedule! I’ve got to run, Pat,” Roman hissed, sending off his drink and standing up quickly.

   “Don’t work too hard, kiddo!” Patton waved after him, furrowing his eyebrows in concern.

   “Work hard, play hard!” Roman called out with a proud grin as he sank out.

— * * * —

   Deceit must have given into the pouting puppy face that Virgil learned from Patton. Instead of all the things Deceit said he was busy with today, they were playing chess on the floor in Deceit’s room with snacks and drinks Deceit had summoned. Virgil had hoped whatever Deceit had planned wasn’t so important that it needed 100% of his focus so that playing chess was okay. But Virgil was happy just to be spending time with D. He always got him and always cared for him in his own weird way.

   Virgil didn’t mind if Deceit used him sometimes, honestly. It was nice to be needed. Deceit had even been more straight-forward with Virgil lately. Virgil was pretty certain Deceit did things the way he did because he didn’t want to be rejected or ignored. Virgil didn’t think it was from any kind of bad place. He could get that probably more than any other side, as a side who used to try to scare the others into listening to him. The other sides were kind of assholes to D, so he didn’t have many options. Deceit was kind of an asshole too, but it was hard to care about that in the past when he’d been helping Virgil constantly in the present. Deceit admitted he was wrong, and that was big of him. Virgil knew he hated doing that with burning and over-dramatic passion.

   Virgil was lying on the ground and agonizing between two different good-looking moves, but he was pretty certain Deceit had already thought ahead and was trying to pick the best move to survive over the best move moving forward.

   “Virgil, your bishop has had an opening for six turns, why do you refuse to use it?” Deceit asked, sounding somewhat baffled. He was sipping his tea cross-legged on the other side of the board and fiddling with one of Virgil’s fallen pawns in his other hand while Virgil was thinking. Virgil involuntarily winced and held his clavicle.

   “The bishop doesn’t need to get items from the king or queen for special moves,” Virgil said quietly, just realizing it was a dumb thing to have been waiting for as soon as he said it. He flinched at his own stupidity and buried his face in his hands.

“We’re not playing that accursed version that Remus plays,” Deceit said, tinged in frustration.

   “I… I know. My brain mixed it up, I guess,” Virgil mumbled through his fingers. “It’s not like either of us was playing like that up until that point. I would have pulled a knife on you already,” He exhaled and let go of his face.

   “Yes, it’s such a magnificent idea to pull a knife on me,” Deceit said sarcastically, tossing up Virgil’s pawn and catching it.

   “Well, how else could I have gotten two turns to take your knight without losing my own?” Virgil said rolling his eyes and flipping his hand out.

   “That’s not chess, Virgil,” Deceit said, rolling his eyes. “I don’t know what to call whatever that monstrosity is,” He sounded exasperated by the whole subject.

   “Fun until it’s not,” Virgil said blithely. “You’ve judged for us before, but I’ve never judged for you two, are you any good at his weird version?” Virgil asked, finally making his move. It was a bad one, Deceit had immediately taken his piece, and he wasn’t that far from checking him.

   “I’m such a fan of being attacked,” Deceit said bitterly. Virgil chuckled lightly and looked up to Deceit, who looked annoyed.

   “So, really good until Remus pulls out his morning star,” Virgil posited with a smirk.

   “It’s not an inaccurate summation,” Deceit muttered. “I don’t understand why you want to fight with him so much, other than when your aspects eventually taint each other,”

   “He’s fun to fight. I just feel like I have to around him, I get all wired and need to punch something,” Virgil explained. “It’s certainly not that I want an enemy I can actually beat, unlike the crushing weight of capitalism or something,” Virgil added bitterly.

   “You don’t seem to beat Roman much,” Deceit mused with a raised eyebrow.

   “He’s much more fun when he thinks he has won over me,” Virgil said with a smirk. “Just taking a page out of my favourite noodle’s book,” His head swam for a moment as he fought the effects of Deceit’s room. He had been in here all morning, and it was getting very difficult to think straight.

   “Love the nickname,” Deceit said angrily, taking another one of Virgil’s pieces. Shit. He was within range of the king. “Check, darling,” Virgil scrambled for a move, he luckily still had valuable pieces that could protect the king for now. 

   Except for the fact that his bishops and remaining knight didn’t matter, in the end. Deceit had him beat in a few tense turns, regardless of any saving plays Virgil tried to make. He really was brutal at chess. 

   “Checkmate,” Deceit cooed and knocked over the king piece, the entire board disappearing right after. Virgil slumped to the floor and held his head.

   “Brilliant move,” Virgil mumbled derisively. Deceit placed his hand on Virgil briefly before pulling him up to his feet.

   “You need to go, Virgil,” Deceit said smoothly. Virgil pulled him in for a hug.

   “I’m handling it just fine,” Virgil groaned in frustration. Deceit rolled his eyes and hugged Virgil back, and they both sank out, causing Virgil to grumble angrily as they rose into his room. He stumbled for a moment after rising, feeling a little dizzy.

   “Yes, you are completely well and unaffected,” Deceit hissed, letting go of Virgil. Virgil held on stubbornly, though, partially because he wasn’t ready to be alone and partially because he was concerned he would fall over. “You don’t have to be a brat, darling. I’ll stay for a bit,” Deceit said, loosening Virgil’s grip on him with a tinge of annoyance. Virgil stumbled again when Deceit let go of his arms after pulling Virgil off of him. Deceit caught him before he fell to the floor. “Ah,” He said in understanding and carefully lead him to the couch, sitting down with him.

   “Thanks a lot,” Virgil murmured as Deceit lowered them both down together. Virgil pulled himself into a ball to catch his bearings, leaning against Deceit’s shoulder on the couch. Deceit grabbed the weighted blanket off the back of the couch from his nap yesterday and draped it over Virgil, which was an impressive move with one arm. The weight was really grounding and Virgil sank into the couch and laid down on Deceit’s lap instead of fighting it any longer.

   “I don’t know if any side should stay in another’s room that long,” Deceit hummed. Virgil grunted in acknowledgment, not really wanting to admit it but also not really in any state to disagree. “I would scold you for not saying anything normally, but I don’t think it counts in this circumstance,” Deceit mused. Virgil nodded in his lap, extremely grateful that Deceit understood. “I’ll just have to keep a closer eye on you next time,” Virgil cooed. Virgil looked up at him, seeing Deceit staring at a web instead of looking at Virgil. He was willing to spend more time with him even after Virgil had fucked up and let Deceit’s room get the better of him. He wasn’t even mad at him for it. Virgil sighed in relief and nestled into Deceit’s lap.

   “I’m still too dizzy to do anything else, but if you want to snark at a TV show or something we could do that,” Virgil offered quietly. He watched the remote fly up from the coffee table and the TV switched on. Deceit was flipping through the choices, looking for something to watch with him. Virgil was relieved that Deceit was willing to stay while he recovered.

   Deceit had watched 2 episodes and shared possibly a hundred insults at the characters with him before he turned off the TV and reached down to help pull Virgil up.

   “Thanks for staying,” Virgil muttered, sitting up on the couch now and rubbing his face to focus. Deceit looked like he got hit in the face with a whole-ass eyeshadow palette. He was a great actor, though. He wasn’t shaking or looking around wildly, or really anything. He held out his hand, and Virgil took it, and Deceit pulled him into a hug. Once they broke apart, Deceit conjured a large jar.

   “I require some of your fear spiders for an experiment,” He said twisting off the cap filled with holes and holding it out for Virgil. “I know they’re not quite followers but order them to listen to me,” He said evenly. Virgil looked at him in confusion for a moment, but placed his hand over the top of the jar, creating some spiders and webs for them to house inside the jar.

   “I can’t make them last past Thomas waking, is that okay?” Virgil asked as he finished and Deceit twisted on the top of the jar. Deceit just nodded. Virgil placed his hand on the jar and commanded them to follow Deceit’s orders in his head.

   Deceit kissed his head when Virgil pulled away and waved once as he sunk away with the jar. He wasn’t entirely sure what that was about, but he knew Remus was his test subject since their morning meetings and never minded throwing a wad full of spiders his way, in the same way Remus liked to whip out the demonic ooze often. Virgil sighed and crawled to the top of the couch to write some poetry. He needed a distraction, and it felt like it had been a while. He was partially recovered from Deceit’s room other than feeling exhausted.

   Beatrice crawled onto his head while he was writing, and she argued with him about the symbolism in his poetry sometimes, but her telling him he used death too often or to switch his rhyming scheme, but that was funnier than anything else. She couldn’t even hold a pen. Though perhaps with enough effort and some tiny weights she could type on a laptop. The visual made him chuckle. They wrote together quietly. He’d have to credit her on this sonnet, or she’d throw a fit.

   “Hey, Kiddo, we missed you at-Ahh!” He heard Patton say and watched him rise up, recoil suddenly, and sink back down right away. Virgil laughed pretty loudly.

   “My, Beatrice, your abilities have only grown since I created you. Even I can’t make Patton run screaming,” Virgil said with a laugh. Beatrice spun around on his head proudly.

— * * * —

   “He’s in his room this time,” Patton said, raising into the living room and rubbing his arms. “That giant creepy crawly was on his head!” He cried out and clung to Logan, who was working on the schedule in the recliner. Logan just sighed and pat him on the back, being slightly crushed by Patton’s hug.

   “Was he doing anything odd?” Roman asked curiously, looking up from his laptop at the table. Patton released Logan finally and went to go sit on the couch. He took a deep breath of relief.

   “He was sitting on the back of the couch writing in a composition notebook,” Patton said with a little shiver and summoned a blanket and wrapped himself up.

   “That’s completely normal for Virgil,” Logan said. “Did you ask him if he was still going to meet us later for the story session?”

   “There was a giant spider on his head, Logan, I’m lucky I made it out alive!” Patton whined and buried himself in the blankets.

   “I have never seen him with a larger spider than Beatrice, and she is only slightly large for a tarantula, I don’t know if he can even conjure larger arachnids,” Logan said plainly.

   “There are larger spiders than Beatrice!?” Patton screamed and sank from his spot on the couch, his blanket collapsing to the couch. Logan shook his head wearily.

   “I can’t believe he remembered that creeper’s name,” Roman said, rolling his eyes and returning to the laptop. “I’ll just send a note to remind Virgil,” Roman flicked his wrist and summoned the note pad. “I’m not a big fan of that fuzzy demon either,” Roman said and flourished his hand and the note disappeared. He went back to typing and Logan waited patiently to see if there would be a response. A skull sticky floated down to his laptop. “He sent a haiku about how he wants to punch me in the face?” Roman said incredulously and extremely confused.

   “That response seems more like something your brother would send,” Logan said, walking over to the table to take the note from Roman to see for himself. Roman handed it over and shrugged. It was indeed a simple haiku about how he wants to punch Roman in the face in Virgil’s handwriting. But the backside had a big checkmark. He showed Roman the check and placed it down on the table. “Well, he is informed and aware,” Logan said dismissively and returned his work.

taglist: @itsaamood-33 @elizabutgayer​ 

[dungeonsndiapers]

37w4d

I’m having a baby this month.

I have a scheduled date and time for induction, barring any emergencies at the hospital that will move the time I’ll be induced on November 11th at 39 weeks. Which means I have my final doctor appointments before baby gets here today (I still have more nst). It’s with the doctor I saw a majority of my pregnancy, who also happens to be the doctor we saw immediately after our last ultrasound with Liam and had the terrible responsibility of telling us he had died. The office we go to has like, 7 delivering doctors who rotate at the hospital. I’ve met most of them, I think there are like two I haven’t. Now that I have a date I can ask who is on call on the 11th and get an idea of who my delivering doctor will be.

Halloween was successful. Kennedy understood it more this year and was excited going into it. She kept telling me all day she wanted to go trick or treating. My dad (who recently moved up here) came and went with us to trunk or treat held by the city, then we came home and ate dinner, then ventured out on our street. We are still at an age with her where she’s happy just going down our street and doesn’t need to spend hours trick or treating. She had a great time. My dad sat down with her and counted all her candy and the entire night she was all smiles. We managed to limit her candy to 4 pieces throughout the night, which I think was pretty good. I promised to make her some pancakes with candy pieces in them this morning. Meanwhile my GD ass will be eating some damn eggs and whole wheat toast 😒. I did really good not eating a bunch of candy yesterday and showing restraint even though I wanted to be like “What’s one night ::nom nom nom::”. But I’ve been noticing lately that when I’m not super strict on what I’m eating (like, eating too many fries or something) my number isn’t just a little high anymore it’s extremely high. Which my doctors said as the pregnancy progressed it gets more difficult to manage, so I just need to buckle down for the next 9 days. I was really sore at the end of the night and had difficulty sleeping because I couldn’t get comfortable. It was just a lot of walking. It’s our last Halloween as a family of 3, next year Bill gets to pick our costumes. Mine sort of sucked this year but I’m just so damn pregnant...

I’m struggling with my mom right now. When Kennedy was born, she was at the hospital but I didn’t want her in the delivery room. A)I wanted to limit the amount of people in the room and B) my mom is not a calming force for me. So I had my husband and my oldest sister in the room during delivery. But she was there at the hospital waiting and met her within 2 hours after she was born. Then afterwards she took 2 weeks off work and said it’s so she could come by and help every day...... No. Please don’t come to my house every day for two when I’m adjusting to having a newborn for the first time. She and I don’t have a stellar relationship. We are friendly and love each other but she isn’t someone I go to when I need support, and she hates that. She didn’t cultivate that relationship when I was younger and now it feels too late, but she’s still my mom and I want her involved in my life. But now with new baby she decided to go on a 10 day cruise a month before they are due and burned through all her time off for the entire year and basically said “Ill probably come by the hospital after work if you’ve had the baby by then”. Part of me feels like she’s punishing me for not wanting her in the delivery room or to be at my house every damn day for 2 weeks. (Which honestly, is a peak my mom thing to do). But also I know logically I can’t have it all ways. I can’t say I don’t need her but then want her there anyways. Ugh. Part of our relationship will forever be tainted by her constant preferential treatment of my oldest sister. No lie, my sister is my mom’s favorite. My mom will verbally deny it, but it’s obvious and everyone who knows our family knows it. So the fact that my mom flew all the way to North Carolina to be at the hospital when my sister’s daughter was born but will literally be in the same city when my last child is born and isn’t going to be there sort of chaps my ass.

Also she’s being super weird about this “I don’t feel safe being excited yet”. Because of Liam. And that’s been abundantly clear this entire pregnancy. She barely asks me about it, only occasionally how medical appointments go. She never posts excuted updates on fb (which sounds stupid but my mom lives for that shit. She loves everyone thinking she is the doting grandmother). It’s been awkward and really built this barrier up. I get the anxiety, shit I more than anymore understand the worry and concern, but at some point you need to also celebrate the new life? She flat out told me this week that she is still hesitant to be excited. New baby will be here in 2 damn weeks and you aren’t excited for them yet!? I can’t help but feel that her not caring about being at the hospital or meeting new baby right away also stems from that?

Idk guys I just want to find a happy medium between “I‘m taking off two whole weeks to I can be there every single day” and “I’ll see them when I see them”. But I need to just move on and what will be will be. My husband and sister will be there for me. Baby will be born into loving arms regardless if my mom is nearby or now.

[xserpentlife]

Saving You

Hello. Can I request a fangs x reader where she like saves him from the farm or something? Maybe like she tries to stop him from joining during the play but can’t so she loses him they can already be dating if you want and she confides in Pea or something to help save fangs idk something like that if you want

A/N: I am so so so in love with the way this story came out and I hope that you love it too. thankyou to my beta @wayward-river chech her out and join her follower special where you can submit stories based on her prompts!

Warnings: Fangs being a dick, violence, cult discussion (Farm), cursing

Word Count: 4971

You and Fangs had been dating for years, you loved him - more than loved him. You had been through everything together. The ups and downs of the Serpents, the Northside vs Southside feud, and everything else that had hit your relationship in the past. You had been going stronger than ever for the last few months, nothing truly affecting you too bad except when Fangs started dealing. You understood why, and you understand the things he had to do, but you found him an out and he took it. That took a toll on your relationship. You were so scared for him then, but you saved him and got him back. After all the drugs and rejoining the Serpents, he wanted his mind off of the drugs and off of the Serpents so you both decided to join the play. Theatre was one of his favorite things, and if it made him happy you would follow.

You were both doing the play together alongside your friends Toni and Sweet Pea, so everything was looking up until Kevin told everyone that there would be a new co-director. You had met the co-director one other time when she walked into the class for the first time, you had ignored her name then. Evelyn Evernever apparently her father ran the “Farm” more so the cult that had made its way into Riverdale. You knew Betty Cooper was investigating them due to her mother joining but you didn’t know anything more than that. You didn’t trust Evelyn, but as a co-director, you had to at least follow her and her views. Evelyn got close, so close that she pulled someone away from you. You ignored her until you couldn’t anymore because it meant risking the loss of the one person you cared the absolute most for.

*Flashback*

For weeks now Fangs had been acting funny. He was one of the leads in the play so he was always busy, but on most nights he would come home even later than you would see Sweets and Toni coming home and they were leads as well. Fangs kept saying that he was either at the play or on Serpent business but you didn’t believe that to be true. He told you again he was going to be out, that he was on Serpent business, he told you he would be home but he still was out and you had begun to worry. Even though he had been lying or so you thought he always came home on time. You waited till an hour after he was supposed to be home before you called him.

“Fangs baby?”

“Hey Y/N what’s up?”

“Uh are you coming home, it’s late”

“I will be home when I get there what is your problem”

“Well uh you told me you would be home at 9 and it’s 12 now I just… I was worrying”

“Well, you need to stop I will be home later” You waited till he came home, hours later. It was now 4 am and he was just walking through the door.

“Where were you Fangs!”

“I was out! What does it matter?”

“Becuase I fucking worry Fangs, I fucking worry that you won’t come home in one piece when you are out on those jobs, don’t you get that”

“You need to calm the fuck down babe, there really isn’t anything to worry about. I am safe where I am, no one would hurt me Y/N”

“What do you mean no one, rival gangs you idiot”

“Oh yeah well”

“Oh my fucking god you weren’t on a job were you!”

“Why do you keep questioning me” He stepped up trying to appear bigger, almost trying to tower over you more than he already did, as if he was trying to make you fear him. You ran out of the trailer that night not turning back and you had slept in your car. You couldn’t sleep next to him, not with him being like that.

The next night you followed him to the “serpent job” that he was on. As you did you found him standing over a fire with Kevin and other people you had never met before,  but at the end of it stood Evelyn Evernever. By the time you had got there, Fangs had already been walking on the hot coals and you heard the tagline you had seen on the majority of Evelyn’s shirts. “May the one become many and the many one” You ran, tears streaming down your face, you ran to one of the places you felt safe, Sweet Pea’s trailer. Knocking on the door frantically you waited for him to answer but he hadn’t. You knew Toni was working so you couldn’t go to the bar because you didn’t want to see people, so you waited on Sweet Pea’s doorstep tears streaming down your face.

“Y/N!”

“Pea!” You stood up pulling him into a hug

“Pea they… they got him”

“Got who Y/N what’s going on?”

“Fangs! The Farm!”

“Wait… wait, slow down”

“He has been acting funny, angry just not the normal Fangs I questioned him on it the other night because he lied saying he was at a Serpent job. He stood up almost trying to tower over me and I ran out of the trailer and slept in my car, I was so scared Pea I have never seen him like that. Then tonight he told me he was going on a job again so I followed him Pea “

“Where did he go”

“It was odd small paths deep in fox forest. He walked across a lit coal pit and then Evelyn was there I think it was some sort of induction or something, I don’t know. Pea, I can’t lose him not like I almost did before. I can’t go through that again Pea I can’t” Pea slowly lowered the both of you onto the steps pulling you to him as you cried into his chest.

“We will get him back, I promise”

*Flashback over*

That night meant that he was a part of it, but you couldn’t say anything, you knew that if you did he would be defensive like he had been all those nights that he came home late. You told Pea that night and he was the only one that knew. You both said nothing, knowing that if you did he would be as defensive as he was before. You and Pea both let Fangs go on and on about how good the play was going and how he was becoming very close with Evelyn and the other people from the Farm. You both pretended to be supportive, pretended to understand the things that Edgar was doing.  It had been weeks since Fangs joined the farm. A month and two weeks to be exact. You dropped out of the play without Fangs noticing. Even opening night he didn’t notice you sitting in the crowd. You were taking care of everything including his own mother. Fangs wasn’t noticing or doing anything lately, he didn't care about anything. Anything including the fact that you were pregnant. The only person who truly knew was Sweet Pea.

*Flashback*

You sat sitting by the bathroom counter not answering the multiple phone calls and text messages you had. It was as if you were frozen in time. Fangs was not answering like always and he was the only person you needed in the situation you were in. You were scared beyond anything for multiple reasons but you needed him and he wasn't there. You sat there sobbing for what felt like hours the anxiety welling inside of your chest. You hear a knock and someone enter your home but you didn’t care you couldn’t in that moment. Only the people you trusted the most had a key so you knew you would be fine. You sat there sobbing your chest feeling tighter and tighter each moment. Then you heard the bangs on the bathroom door and the shouts of Sweet Pea through it.

“Y/N, Y/N are you okay?” but you couldn’t respond. You tried but all that came out was louder cries. “Y/N open the door please” you tried to move but your body felt numb. He kept banging and banging but you couldn’t do anything. “Y/N move away from the door, try to. I am breaking it down if you don’t open it” You heard the kick and then the snap of the door knocking off of its hinges. You looked up with clouded vision into Sweet Pea’s eyes as he fell to the floor grabbing you tightly.

“What’s going on? Did he hurt you!”

“N, no”

“Talk to me Y/N, please” You couldn’t you were lucky “you” came out of your mouth. So instead you handed him the stick that was clutched inside of your hand so tightly you felt the tingles when you had given it to him. Sweet Pea remained silent as he stared down at the stick that you had placed into his hand.

“Pea.. say something please”

“It’s gonna be okay”

“That is the worst possible thing you could have chosen Pea. You have no idea what is going to happen. Hell where the fuck is Fangs, he was supposed to be home and he is not, how am I going to do this?” Your cries were louder and your shaking harder as Sweet Pea held tighter rocking you back and forth.

“Hey, hey, hey. Y/N listen to me. We are going to figure out this shit with Fangs okay? Fuck I will do whatever it takes to get his ass out of the farm okay. But you listen to me and listen well okay. If he doesn’t stop with this bullshit. I will be here for you and this baby. He is my best friend and he may be a crazy psycho right now, so I will take care of you no matter what, I promise.”

“I, I can’t ask you to do that Sweet Pea, you have your own life to live. I, I can’t Sweet Pea”

“You stop it Y/N. You are not asking I am telling you. I will take care of you and this baby I want you to know that. I will be here for you through everything okay. You aren’t alone”  

*Flashback Over*

You had tried to tell him multiple times but each time he had ignored you completely. The only person who really knows again was Sweet Pea. He was your rock through all of this. He even took you to your first appointment when Fangs was a no show. Now a month and a half into this pregnancy Sweet Pea was more of a figure to the child growing inside of you than Fangs was. You were going to try to tell Fangs again, hoping that maybe this time he would listen.

“Baby before you go can I talk to you”

“About what babe”

“Uhm… us”

“Baby I don’t have a long time to talk about “us” can we talk later I need to go”

“Wait!”

“What are you up to tonight”

“Well Edgar is going to take away my pain”

“I thought you said he has been doing that”

“Well yes he has but this is more in-depth he will cure me of all the pain I have by taking the places that are infected with the pain”

“Oh… uhm, will you be alright”

“Yes, of course, Edgar takes great care of us, baby. I will be home later alright”

“Okay” He left and you called Sweet Pea instantly.

*Phone Call*

“Sweet!”

“Y/N calm down what’s going on? Is the baby alright?”

“Yes, yes the baby is fine. It’s Fangs. He said that Edgar is going to cure all his pain tonight”

“No! We need to get to him Now! Get outside! I’m picking you up!”

“Pea! Pea will he be okay!”

“We are going to save him alright. I promise”

*Phone Call Ended*

Pea pulled up in his pickup truck right next to your trailer and you hopped in quickly. You needed an explanation. You needed to know what was going on.

“Pea! What the fuck is going on”

‘Well earlier Jones had me help him get Betty out of the farm, you know how she was doing recon”

“Yeah, yeah I know”

“Well the Farm is an organ farm Y/N apparently Betty found human organs, Betty also said when people heal they sometimes disappear without a trace”

“I’m… If Fangs is being “fully” healed I’m afraid that Edgar is gonna cut into him”

“Pea I’ve almost lost him so many times. I, I can’t do it again”

“I know, we are gonna save him okay. I know the path he always takes. I assume he is going to pick up Kevin like usual meaning that If we cut through the one road we can make it and block the entrance before he gets there. I called Jones, Topaz and a few others and they are going to meet us there”

“Okay”

“I need you to stay calm okay, for you and the baby, can you do that for me Y/N”

“Here’s the plan. We meet them and we stop him basically detain him and then we bring him back to the trailer. Hopefully, we can knock some sense into him”

“Alright, we can do this” Pea squeezed your hand as slowed the car to a stop next to Toni and Jugheads bike as well as a few of the other Serpent’s vehicles. You got out slowly making your way across to everyone thanking them for coming to help. Toni stopped you midway.

“Y/N are you alright?”

“Yeah why”

“You just look… different”

“Sweet Pea told you didn’t he”

“Yeah, sorry”

“Don’t be I knew he would tell someone I’m glad it was you. Wait why did he tell you though”

“When he bought you that stuff and picked your prenatals and stuff up I went with him. He tried hiding it didn’t work too well. For a while, he said he got someone pregnant but I didn’t believe that then I finally found out since he couldn’t keep his lie straight, but if you need anything. Or to stay anywhere you can always stay at Thistle House with me, Cheryl and Nana Rose”

“Thank you but after tonight I’m hoping everything will be back in place. That Fangs will be back in place”

“Hey, we are going to get him back” You left Toni finishing your circle around before making it back to Sweet Pea.

“Sweets”

“Is it soon”

“Yeah my time he should be here in like 2 mins, but when he does I need you to stay in the truck. I can’t have you getting in the center getting hurt. You are going to try and talk him out of it I know it and he is gonna fight back and may not see you. So to be safe please stay in the truck or at least near it”

“Alright”

“No Y/N I’m being serious, please fucking listen for once. Not just for you, but for the baby too”

“Fine, Why are always pulling the damn baby card now?”

“Because it’s the only way I can get you to listen”

‘Ugh you're impossible”

“Yep” Just as you said it you heard the rustle of tires against the rocky dirt road and you saw Fangs' truck in the distance. “He’s Coming”

“Stay in the truck, please”

“Okay” You watched as Fangs pulled up all the Serpents halting his truck and dragging him out. They tried to make him go peacefully but all you kept hearing was “They are going to take away my pain, you don’t understand, let go of me” You couldn't bear to hear it so you sat in the truck with your hands over your ears trying to block all of the noise that you possibly could. You didn’t even hear Sweet Pea get in the truck until you felt his hand rub your arm.

“Stop!”

“Hey, hey it’s just me”

“I’m sorry Pea”

Are you okay?”

“His, his screams I don’t know, I just yeah I'm fine”

“You sure”

“Did we get him”

“Yeah look behind you” You looked behind to see Jones with Fangs in handcuffs and tape over his mouth. “Jones is going to help us get him in the trailer and then he is going to leave is that okay?”

“Yeah, thanks Jughead”

You tried not to look in the rearview mirror on the ride to the trailer. Every time you ended up catching a glimpse you saw anger in Fangs' eyes something that you would rarely see unless something terrible was happening to him or the people he cared about. He couldn’t have known what Edgar was going to do to them. There was no way he would want to go to him and do it if he knew, at least that is what you had hoped. The drive to the trailer seemed so much shorter than usual your breath never really settling. Sweet Pea told you to wait in your bedroom as they brought Fangs inside and got him situated. You waited for a knock on the door from Sweet Pea for what felt like forever and finally, when it came you were more nervous than ever.

You walked out. Fangs was tied to a chair with the tape removed from his mouth.

“How could you do this to me Y/N”

“I am trying to save you don’t you get that Fangs”

“I thought you cared, I thought you understood”

“I do care about you, but the farm… what they are doing isn’t right hell it’s illegal”

“No they helped me Y/N, fucking untie these ropes please” You looked to Pea as he nodded at you. He knew that he could keep Fangs down. Fangs was strong but Pea had gain on him in both weight and height, Fangs stood no chance. Sweets untied him slowly but kept his hands cuffed.

“Your hands stay cuffed Fogarty”

“Fine but can I talk to my girlfriend alone please?”

“No”

“No?!”

“I will stand in the corner and you can talk to her, but I will be here, and I will but if I have to understand”

“Yes, okay fine” Pea stood by the doorway to the hallway, at a stance daring Fangs to do anything as minuscule as move a single step forward. You saw in Pea’s eyes, the worry he had finally coming to the surface.

“Fangs…”

“Baby please”

“Do you even know what they are doing Fangs”

“Yes Edgar was going to do a treatment to help ease my pain, he has been helping me so much showing my mom getting better and so much more baby, this was going to be one of my final treatments”

“Fangs baby that treatment is bullshit”

“No, it’s not Y/N don’t say that! Edgar is healing me”

“Baby you need the truth. Your mom is not getting better. She is on bedrest, I have been taking care of her me and Sweet Pea. I started working extra shifts to buy her a new medication. You haven’t been around Fangs, you wouldn’t even begin to know what has been going on”

“But Edgar told me she was fine!”

“She’s not fine Fangs”

“But he showed me, I talked to her, I…”

“Fangs I have no idea what Edgar told or showed you but your mom is not better”

“Your lying”

“I’m not, the only person lying is Edgar, He told you he would heal your pain, but he hasn’t done shit. I don’t know what these treatments are but this final “cure” could have killed you, probably would have killed you Fangs. Edgar Evernever is nothing but a cheating con artist. He is taking people like you, people with sorrow and pain and using them or their…” Before you could even finish you were being pushed down to the floor. You had luckily landed on your butt. You looked up into Fangs' eyes the pure anger rushing to his face as Sweet Pea pulled him back and onto the chair tying his hands and legs to it once more.

“Let me go!”

You couldn’t speak, he wasn’t the Fangs that you knew. The Fangs you knew would never push you to the ground. The Fangs you knew would kill anyone who made you cry. The Fangs you knew wasn’t the Fangs in front of you. Pea helped you up and before you could even speak he began screaming into Fang’s face.

“You fucking dipshit you could have hurt her or… You know you are a fucking idiot, all she does is care about you. All she does is want to protect you to get you back the way you used to be, but then you go and do that shit. You push her to the ground like trash. You could have seriously hurt her Fogarty. What the fuck is wrong with you!”

“Yeah well, I don’t need her to pay attention to me! I was perfectly fine with what I was doing before she watched me and found out where I was going!” You were tired of the bad mouthing from him. You were tired of him being angry because of you caring.

You stepped up getting very close into his face knowing he couldn't touch you because he was tied up. “I stepped in Fangs, Yeah I fucking did and you know why? No? I stepped in and hovered because I almost lost you once. Actually no I almost lost you more than once so yeah I stepped in and I cared but you know what that isn’t even the main reason Fangs. I stepped in because I almost lost you all those times but this time I couldn’t lose you because it wouldn’t be just me Fangs. It isn’t just me who would lose you anymore” You looked down to your stomach your hand going up in protection as Fangs looked to you almost as if he had gotten slapped in the face.

“Your…” You remembered you had put the stick in your pocket before leaving the house so you grabbed it out setting it in his lap.

“Yes Fangs, I’m pregnant with your fucking child. The farm almost took you from me forever, You know what Edgar was going to do. He was going to harvest your fucking organs Fangs. Your Organs!. If we would have let you go in their tonight you may have never came out. I can’t lose you!”

“Baby don’t cry I’m right here”

“Are you Fangs, I am staying with Sweet Pea tonight I’ll tell Jughead to come over and check on you”

“Baby ple…”

“Stop Fangs, or I won’t come back at all”

You left the trailer without another word or glance at Fangs. You saw Sweet Pea come out of the trailer and make a phone call before hopping into the truck with you.

“I'm proud of you”

“Thank you pea”

“No seriously Y/N you stood your ground, now I guess we just have to wait and see what he does. But I have a question… will you forgive him easily? What if he goes back?”

“I’m hoping this child will keep him here with me… with us. I hope it at least shocked him into reality or maybe the talk of his organs did”

“yeah”

You stayed with Sweet Pea. He let you sleep in his bed that night, and he slept on the couch. You constantly told him that it was fine, and he knew the both of you were only friends but he still wanted you to have your space to yourself. The only time he ever ended up in the bed with you was when you had a terrible night terror about Fangs dying in the farm. Now you realized maybe that terror wasn’t so wrong, and you fell asleep almost peacefully knowing at least he was somewhat safe with Jughead in the trailer you shared.

You woke up the next morning to eyes looking into yours. Eyes that you recognized instantly. You jumped back fear going through you as you sat down onto the floor.

“Baby stop” he reached to you and you flinched slightly “are, are you afraid of me?” you stood tall standing your ground. You didn’t want to appear weak in front of him.

“Yeah well, the last time we talked without you tied up I was pushed to the ground, by the way, thanks for that. Luckily I landed the right way or I wouldn’t be saying thank you right now and neither would our child”  You saw the tear well into his eye as he turned around walking directly out of the room. You threw on one of the sweatshirts you left at Sweet Pea’s before walking out into the living room. Fangs sat on the couch with a basket next to him. A basket filled with baby things of every shape size and color. His head hung into his hands soft hums being heard from him. You knew he was crying. You didn’t want to feel bad, but you couldn’t deny the pain you felt for him. When you are with someone for so long you feel what they feel and this was no different. You went over sitting on the couch and pulling him into a hug.

“Baby I’m sorry about the farm. I couldn’t. I didn’t know what was going on. I barely remember how I even became a part of it. It was like I was in a trance of some sort. Like I was in control but I also wasn't. I’m sorry for what I did to you. For the pain I caused. I can’t forgive myself for that.”

“Hey, hey calm down… wait where is Pea? He wouldn't leave me.”

“He is outside, told me I had 10 mins before he was coming in”

“I know I left for a while baby I am so sorry, but we are having a baby why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I tried you didn’t care Fangs, you pushed me off every time going to the farm “to heal” by the way I'm glad your organs are intact”

“Baby I didn’t know… and my mom I saw her today, she… she isn’t doing good. The farm told me she was. Babe I saw her. The farm showed me her. It must've been a hallucination. I… what if she died while I was with the farm”

“Hey… calm down you're here now, you need to breathe Fangs. You didn’t mean for any of this to happen”

“What if I lost you…”

“You will never lose me”

“You shouldn’t forgive me Y/N… what if I would have hurt you”

“You may have been mad Fangs but last night you could have slapped me, punched me, all you did was push me. You would never intentionally hurt me Fangs. I know you too well. Even in that state, you wouldn’t hurt me bad. I love you Fangs. I will always love you. We will always love you” You grabbed his hand placing it gently onto your stomach.

“How long… how long have you known?”

“I’ve known for a little while… Pea took me to my first appointment. He bought me the stuff I needed. He has been really helpful Fangs”

“I’m sorry I wasn't here” you watched his face drop again but you pulled his lips to meet yours. Locking your lips together for the first time in which felt like an eternity.

“You're here now. I’m fine, You're fine. We are going to be okay, I promise. Me, you, this baby. Together. Forever Fangs”

“Forever baby. I promise you I will never leave again. I promise I will try my absolute hardest to stay away from anyone associated with the farm, but baby if they are doing this. If they did what they did to me or well almost what they did and all the other shit. The lies, the hallucinations everything... what about Kevin? What about Betty’s mom, and everyone else in there? I need to help Jughead and Betty”

“I get that Fangs but you need to be all in if you're not then I will take care of this baby myself without you. You can help them but right now… I need you, here with me. I’ve been alone… I mean I’ve had Pea helping but, I can’t handle you leaving again. Not for a long time Fogarty”

“I don’t dream of it. I will be with you and this baby until the end. I promise” He pulled you to him his arms wrapping around your middle as your head rested in his neck. His lips connecting to your forehead. “I will never break that promise Y/N. I will be here always”

“I know Fogarty, I know. I love you”

‘I love you too baby, and I love you baby, whatever you are”  Even in a time like this, a time where you were learning to forgive everything that happened, he could make you so soft for him. You loved him for that, and you loved him despite everything that had happened.

[shes-outta-sight]

thank you @flowrxchild @satans-helper @pvre-mourning @cantbehandled-ever for tagging me to answer some really tough, but also very fun, questions!! ✨💛I really love reading all of these, and doing them as well!

What was the last thing you read?

my nutrition notes /:

Favourite movie?

Already a hard question lmao. I’m gonna say Almost Famous (i know, shocker!). others are Interstellar, Lady Bird, Annihilation, La La Land, Pink Floyd - The Wall, and Dazed and Confused lol.

Favourite book?

Call me basic but i’m gonna just say The Great Gatsby. It’s a classic and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read it. I have a lot of favorite books that aren’t popular, but ya girl is so bad at picking favorites.

Dream date?

Definitely a concert. I just want to be with someone with similar taste in music, or at least appreciates mine. Also stargazing, anything outside, or a museum date. idk anything really

Do you have a crush?

on sammy of course! and all of my mutuals (;

What are your hobbies?

listening/finding new music always, watercoloring, reading, and now i love painting denim! I’m trying to get back into my creative hobbies, but school really doesn’t want that to happen

What’s your favourite time of day?

dusk/sunsets. but I’m a total night owl, so late nights are my thing!

If you could look like anything, what would you look like?

Not sure what to say. Honestly I wish i had a better body. and I wish I was more confident with how I actually look!

Are you romantic?

absolutely

What’s your favourite type of weather?

If I’m inside, I love big rainstorms. I have always found the rain and thunder to be peaceful. However, i love fall weather where the sun is warm, but the breeze is present. (not like Texas fall)

What do you like talking about?

music!! 

What are your turn ons?

Definitely a sense of humor. I will seriously fall in love with anyone who makes me laugh. Also intelligence, usually someone more outgoing than i am, and easily excited.

Turn offs?

no sense of humor lol, cockiness, and unnecessary rudeness!

If you got a tattoo what would it be and where would you get it?

There’s this small sketch of a half sun and crescent moon with faces together that i’ve wanted for a while, maybe on my ankle. i also used to want a small butterfly on my inner arm, and some wildflowers on my ribcage, but ouch!

Do you have any pets?

I have a siamese cat named Flash at my parent’s, but i am getting my own cat next fall when i move into a new apartment. Very excited!

Dream job?

Veterinarian

Dream place to live?

As someone who has grown up in a huge city, i would love to live in a small town with more country area eventually. Also wouldn’t mind living somewhere in Colorado closer to the mountains.

Dream vacation?

Greece and Italy has forever been a dream! I would also love to go backpacking through Europe of course.

Do you have any piercings?

i have 2 normal piercings in each ear, 2 cartilage in one ear, and a nose stud

If you had kids, what would you name them?

i’m not one of those people who has exact names planned out because who even knows what i want. However, i have always loved the name “Presley” for a girl.

What are your best traits?

Most of the time, i think my independence is the best. i also think i have a pretty great sense of humor, and my empathy.

Worst traits?

I definitely hold grudges. I try not to, but I do. 

What’s your worst fear?

A few. While I love being on my own most of the time, I am afraid of ending up alone. As a kid i was very scared of being kidnapped, so that still kinda lingers. Also, losing loved ones, and I’m deathly afraid of cockroaches (everything really is bigger in Texas)

What do you want to eat right now

tacos

What’s your best vacation you’ve ever been on?

I’ve been to Isla Mujeres in Mexico many times with my family. Also had a vacation with friends in Seaside that was pretty great. Other then that, i haven’t traveled a lot sadly.

Favourite city?

I have that Houston pride (; 

Honestly, I haven’t traveled enough to say though.

Favorite social media platform?

Tumblr! Occasionally twitter. I’ve mainly decided I’m done with instagram, snpachat, etc.

Favourite article of clothing?

i loveee my jean jackets. but also my doc martens, and generally sweatshirts!

Do you play any sports?

haha as a kid, i played pretty much every sport, even including dancing and cheer. I also did swimming and water polo throughout high school, but definitely not good enough for a scholarship, so that ended!

Favourite meal of the day?

i love breakfast, but i never eat in the mornings. so dinner? or breakfast for dinner ! 

What are you excited for?

for once i can say that there are so many things!! i am done with finals next Wednesday so Christmas break!! my bestfriend who goes to university in England is coming home next week, and gvf concert in 17 DAYS!!

Not excited for?

my ochem final 

When was the last time you cried?

yesterday after i took my lab final (see the pattern?)

Dream house?

cottage home for sure!! i don’t want much, but i have always wanted a house with a front porch that has a swing or chairs outside. 

What’s something you hate about the world?

idk if this is cheating, but Ricky i’m going to keep your answer here because i couldn’t say it better myself!

 “Injustice, prejudice and ignorance. I have no tolerance for it and there seems to be a lot of it. Wish a lot more people would just have less hate in them.”

What’s something you love about the world?

i love that despite all of the bad shit, i can still find reasons to be happy. Sometimes it’s the little things that make a huge difference, and more often it’s the beautiful people who make it a better place!

What scents do you like?

i love eucalyptus! also fresh linen and the smell of rain.

What kind of sleeper are you?

ha i don’t sleep. but i have to sleep on my side with one leg out, and i guess i’m a medium sleeper? Not heavy, but I do oversleep early alarms if I’m not careful.

Are you a cat or dog person?

if i can’t say both, then i am a cat person. i love them both, but i have grown up with cats!

How long would you survive in a zombie apocalypse?

lol not long at all probably. idk maybe a few weeks?

Are you trusting?

I think i am?? Unless i’m given reasons not to be I guess. There are probably times where i could be more.

What fictional character do you identify with?

fuck i’m sorry, there’s honestly so many and i can’t choose!

What labels do you commonly get?

I get sensitive all the time. And you know what, I am. Also sometimes i get shy which is also true in certain situations.

What song would be your life anthem?

ooooo idk about an “anthem” but I’m gonna go with tiny dancer, gypsy, or even flower power!

What issues are you dealing with rn?

This semester of school has been really hard on me, so the usual stress and anxiety. Things are starting to look up though.

How can someone win you over?

It’s really not hard. If you’re nice to me, you probably already have. or just make me smile/laugh!

What’s something about you people don’t know?

ummm not sure what else to add

tagging: @mountainofthesunn @aint-no-denying @thatflowerpower @dreams-madeof-strawberrylemonade @gvfyeet @nosferatyou @woman-ina-dream @pennylane-gvf @highwaytunez @that-glassbottomed-ego @imacrowcawcaww

[our-smooty]

Flowerbeds and Fertile Soil: Chapter 3

Fandom: Good Omens

Rating: Explicit

Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens, )Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer

Tags:  Kidfic, Mpreg kind of, they can choose to present however so idk, Crowley Has A Vulva (Good Omens), Crowley Has A Penis (Good Omens), Aziraphale Has A Penis (Good Omens), Aziraphale Has A Vulva (Good Omens), OCs Galor, parenting, using your snake form to avoid confrontation, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Pregnancy, if I missed a tag lemme know

Summary: They could do anything, go anywhere, all without the worry of Above or Bellow making a fuss. Even so, they mostly kept to their little patch of Eden, their cottage and garden and the simple life they’d carved out among the locals. Aziraphale opened a book shop in town, where he only occasionally sold any books (and the ones he did sell, were all modern and stocked specifically for that purpose). Crowley focused his attentions on the garden, and if he occasionally helped their elderly neighbour with her disobedient willow tree, then that was a secret no one needed to know. Lately, however, they had both been feeling rather restless, unbeknownst to each other. Aziraphale tried reorganizing his store, changing the way he tied his bowtie and even ate pizza –something he considered to be far too messy for him personally. Crowley had branched out into birdwatching, and then car maintenance (the human way), and even reading. Nothing scratched the itch for either of them.

Ao3 Link

My Ko-Fi

Crowley spent the two days drinking, thinking, and wallowing, in that order. First, he got rip-roaring drunk, then kept going past that into a maudlin type of drunkenness. That led to the thinking, which had been much harder than normal, but also much more honest.

The sun was just coming up over the horizon and he watched as all of London was bathed in warm light. He was scared. He could admit that to himself easily, especially when he was so drunk. What he was scared of was a little more complicated, and Crowley had been thinking on it for the better part of three hours. Because on the one hand, he was worried about Heaven and Hell and the safety of any hypothetical little ones. He really was. But on the other hand, he’d said something during their fight that he hadn’t realized he’d been worried about.

Demon spawn were A Thing, and they were generally terrible. Sometimes a demon decided to have some fun on the mortal level and demons weren’t known for being the most careful of beings. Best case scenario was something that was essentially a demon, but mortal. Worst case whatever came out was some sort of writhing mass of demonic energy and hatred. Would that happen to any of his offspring too? Or would the angelic influences cancel it out? But the Nephilim had been somewhat monstrous too, so was it a lost cause from both ends?

And that was where the thinking transitioned into wallowing. Because he was also drunk enough to admit that he really, really wanted to give in to Aziraphale’s badgering, hang the consequences. They’d at least have some time before having to face what they’d done. Who knew how long demon-angel hybrid babies took to form, or gestate or whatever (Crowley only knew as much as he did from his time working on a London pediatrics ward. He was supposed to have been sowing the seeds of evil in the new generation, but he ended up delivering and caring for more newborns than anything else). 

But the guilt would be too much. He couldn’t bring a child into this world knowing it was doomed to be some sort of horror that never fit in. He’d love them, of course, whatever they were or would become but to imagine the difficulty of growing up in a world that would detest them... Well, at least Crowley had been fully formed and matured when it had happened to him. 

He ran out of scotch on the balcony by noon of the first day. But he wasn’t done sulking so he moved back inside and on to the brandy. Brandy was the perfect spirit to drink while tormenting his plants, though there were only a few left in the flat. They were his favourite, and he kept them here to avoid the angel over-indulging and spoiling them. 

“Yooooou lot,” he slurred, brandishing his spray bottle in one hand and the brandy in the other. “You don’t argue with me! Y-y-you’re all jus’ plants!”

A hydrangea, who had long exceeded it’s expected lifespan by several years and was one of the most verdant plants in Crowley’s collection, leaned towards him sympathetically. Most of these plants had been with him for years and had grown a kind of fondness for their tyrannical, but caring master. Crowley spared the hydrangea a glance over, inspecting it for blemishes. He found none. 

“Yoooou’re not compli--complicated, you’re not good or-or-or-or evil. You’re jus’ plants!” The while lily near the door shuddered, knowing things were really bad if the demon was repeating himself. Crowley never liked to repeat himself. 

“If you wanna have b-b-babies you can jus’ drop seeds!” His voice cracked at the end so he wet his parched mouth with some more brandy. “I like sssseeds, such ma-marv-maver--nice little thingss.” Four letter words, good Lord he was sloshed. Dropping the spray bottle and picking up the watering can Crowley deftly overwatered a nearby ivy. Luckily the ivy knew better than to wilt. 

“Like little things, like babiesss, an’ kids. Not sooooo much t-teenagerss but they’ve got ssspirit!” All the plants were leaning in now. Some of them opened up a few extra blooms, offering comfort in the way only plants knew how. “Alwaysss thought I’d make a shit p-parent though, an’ look how Warlock turned out…”

“Could be different, though, raisin’ one and not t-trying to make it, you know, not the Antichrissst.” Indeed he hadn’t been so much raising Warlock as he had been coaching him. And if he and Aziraphale were to do it together properly this time who knows what could happen? “Still can’t though. Angel n’a demon, probably be smited for even trying. Smote? Sssmitten?”

He pondered that for a while, letting the last few glugs of water drip out of his watering can and onto the floor. It was a lost cause though because all he could think about was tiny angel babies with their soft, fluffy hair and little grabby hands. “D’you think they’d look like him? I hope they do.” Crowley was idly swaying back and forth, lost in his daydream. “Hope they have his nose an’ eyess at least, mine are terrible. But m’wings are nicer so…” 

“I don’t wanna be sscared,” he said quietly to his favourite rose bush. “I want to--I want to give Azirahale what he wants. I want what he wantsss, and if I gave in we could both have it but I’m ssscared!”

The argument last night had left Crowley unable to sleep, but he was getting tired now. Maybe he should use his last day and a half--he checked his fancy watch; day and a quarter--to sleep this off. Tossing the spray bottle somewhere towards the wall--it would be back in its place the next time he went to use it--and heading towards his bedroom, Crowley realized he hadn’t yet texted Aziraphale like he’d promised. No matter, his phone was on the bedside table anyway. He could let the angel know he’d be back tomorrow, and they could make up. Nevermind how that was going to happen, since they both still had opposing views on the matter.

The first time he had come to stay at the flat after he and Aziraphale had a tiff, the angel had blown up his phone with calls and texts. Crowley had done the same the first time Aziraphale locked himself away in his study and refused to come out. They had since come to an understanding and formed a system of brief check-ins and hard time limits to ease each other's anxiety. They stuck to the rules, and it seemed to be a good way of letting off some steam and ending arguments, as long as they talked about it afterward. 

This time, Crowley had been a little lax in his following of their rules. It had already been nearly an entire day of no-contact and Aziraphale had been sending worried messages for at least six hours. To his credit there were only a few voicemails, which Crowley would listen to later, and not the deluge there had been that first time. They were all standard fare, Aziraphale calling in the morning after Crowley left, then calling back around lunch. The angel was doing a good job of keeping the worry out of his voice, but Crowley could tell it was there. 

Immediately Crowley sent off a text assuring Aziraphale he was fine and had lost track of time, complete with heart emojis, then fell into bed. As drunk as he was it didn’t take very long for him to drift off, even though he forgot to change into anything comfortable or get under the covers. 

Crowley walked into their cottage in time for tea the next day carrying a selection of cake slices. He didn’t really have anything to apologize for, but coming back empty-handed felt wrong. Plus the cakes might distract from the hangover Crowley had. He’d meant to fix himself up before bed, but hadn’t and now his head ached too bad to focus on any demonic miracles.

“I’m home!” he called out into the foyer, toeing off his shoes and kicking them haphazardly out of the doorway. The house smelled like old books and tea, which was better than burning food. The second time Crowley had taken some time to himself Aziraphale had decided to take up baking to soothe his nerves. It hadn’t gone well. “I brought cake!”

Aziraphale came around from his study and stood in the doorway, hovering. “Welcome home dear. Did I hear you say cake?”

This was the routine when Crowley returned. Whether in the right or wrong he’d come back bearing treats and Aziraphale would flitter about like he didn’t know if he should stay or go. Eventually, they’d both sit down and talk about what happened, which had twice led to Crowley storming back out and more often led to lovely make-up sex. He wasn’t sure what to expect this time, given the thing they were arguing about. There wasn’t much to talk about, either Aziraphale dropped it, or he didn’t. Crowley didn’t want to think about what would happen if Aziraphale didn’t drop it.

“Yeah, picked some up on my way over from that little bakery where they mill their own flour. Figured it was pretentious enough that you’d like it,” Crowley teased, none too eager to get to the heart of their issues. What if he and Aziraphale couldn’t move past this? What if this was the thing that ended them, not their former sides, or the Apocolypse, or their opposing natures? Crowley wasn’t sure he could survive without the angel in his life, but he also wasn’t sure he could concede on this particular issue. He also wasn’t sure if he could stick to his guns for too much longer, given what he’d realized last night. 

“Oh hush you. Take it into the kitchen I’ll be there in just a tick.” Crowley nodded and went through, surreptitiously glancing around their home. Aziraphale was prone to fussing with the layout of things when he was left to his own devices, just like he had at the bookshop. There he’d been able to justify it as a tactic to confuse customers and discourage book purchases. In the cottage, however, it was obvious he did it from anxiety. Everything looked to be in order though, so Crowley continued on and set the cakes down on the table. With a snap of his fingers, the slices were laid out on plates and the kettle was boiling for tea. 

“Early Grey or Twinings?” he called over his shoulder towards where Aziraphale’s office was. He could hear the angel moving about back there and assumed he was cleaning up whatever he had been using to preoccupy himself with while Crowley was away. 

“Twinings please, dearest,” Aziraphale answered, his voice muffled. Must be messing with his book storage, Crowley thought, pouring each of them a cup with shakey hands. He really wished he’d spent less time drinking and sleeping yesterday, and more time actually thinking about what he was going to say to Aziraphale. All he’d figured out was that they had to worry about a lot more than just Heaven and Hell’s reaction and that if Aziraphale kept asking, he might not be strong enough to refuse. 

“Tea’s ready,” he mumbled, taking his own and perching on the edge of a dining chair. Of course, Aziraphale still heard him and walked quickly into the room looking more than a little flustered. With an excited wiggle he took a seat and began to fawn over the cakes. “Take whichever you want, I’m not hungry.”

“Are you sure dear? That dark chocolate mouse cake looks right up your ally,” Aziraphale pointed out, digging into his strawberry shortcake. He was right, Crowley had bought that slice of cake specifically for himself. It would have been not too sweet and everything he liked in a desert, but the worry about what needed to be said had ruined his appetite. 

“Yeah, go ahead.” Aziraphale glanced down to his slice, then set his silverware down regretfully. “I said go ahead angel, I don’t mind.”

Aziraphale leaned forward a little, his hands disappearing under the table. Crowley knew from experience they would find their way under his thighs, crushed tight against the chair’s wood in an effort to keep them from flitting all over. Another habit from Aziraphale’s time with Heaven, where any stimming had been harshly discouraged. “No, I think we have a lot to talk about. And I want to apologize. Again.”

Crowley remained silent, knowing that Aziraphale had probably prepared what he wanted to say. As usual he was correct. 

“I was wrong to keep asking you about… it when you told me not to. I was being selfish, and not thinking about how you felt and terribly rude. And then you came back after I was so horrible and you came back with cake!” Aziraphale’s voice was getting louder and more high pitched as he went. It was obvious he was getting upset with himself but Crowley knew that interrupting him right now would only make things worse. “I got excited, and then I was pushy and I hurt you, dearest. I’m so sorry. I-I know I can be a little, well, tone-deaf but you said I was making you upset so explicitly and I just ignored you! How could I do that to you? Oh Crowley I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

Aziraphale had begun rocking back and forth a tiny amount, quick little movements that he probably didn’t even notice he was making. “You’re right, of course. It’s so very dangerous, and I wasn’t thinking about it when you obviously had. I want to make it up to you, Crowley, if I even can.”

It hadn’t been what Crowley was expecting, given how persistent Aziraphale could be, and it was honestly a little disappointing. He may have been secretly hoping that the angel would be able to convince him, or had maybe thought of something Crowley had missed that would give them the go-ahead. But this was OK too, this meant they wouldn’t have to fight anymore and he wouldn’t have to keep thinking about it and they could move on. 

“Oh uh, yeah. Apology accepted angel. I’m sorry I stormed out.” Crowley was always quick to forgive Aziraphale, it was like it was impossible for him to stay angry at the angel. Though the way Aziraphale’s disrespect of his boundaries still stung, Crowley didn’t want to hold a grudge and make things worse, so he wouldn’t. 

“Thank you, dear.” Aziraphale stopped rocking but kept his hands firmly under his legs. Usually, this was the point where they hugged and made up, but his angel was still sitting, slightly tense. “Was your time away helpful?”

Crowley shrugged noncommittally. Aziraphale didn’t ask what he did when he was he spent time away after a fight, and he was immediately suspicious. “Sure, checked on the plants, slept for a while. The usual.” He left out the drinking. Over the last 5 years or so Aziraphale had grown concerned with the amount Crowley drank, even if he was an immortal being incapable of experiencing withdrawal. He had cut back, but times like the other night were another story. 

“Good, good.” The silence was back, and heavier. “And I assume that, from this point on, you do not wish to discuss that issue again?” The tentative nature of Aziraphale’s vice made it hard to hear if he was disappointed, or just being himself. Crowley cleared his throat. 

“That's probably for the best yeah.” But oh he wanted, wanted, wanted. It was killing him to deny them this thing that any old human could have easily. They could have anything else in the world, with their powers, but not this. 

“Alright, you won’t hear me speak another word about it. If you ever want to--well I’ll follow you lead dearest.” And Now Aziraphale was leaning over, one of his hands taking Crowley’s and squeezing. It was extremely warm from being tucked under his legs, but the demon still felt cold. “Now, if you’d like, I think you should try that ca--”

They were interrupted by an insistent knock on the front door. It was very rare for them to have guests and even rarer that they should drop by unexpectedly. The only other time anyone arrived was for deliveries, and even those were few and far between. 

“Oh, I wonder who that could be!” Aziraphale seemed all too eager to have something else to focus on, and to be honest Crowley was as well. He rose from the table, cakes and tea forgotten, and bustled to the door. Crowley stayed in the kitchen, trying to collect the unspooled pieces of himself. It was over, they had Talked, and now they could move on and everything would be just fine! Crowley repeated that over and over in his head, trying to drown out the wanting; just fine. He was so focused on not wanting that he almost missed Aziraphale’s sharp “oh dear!”. Almost, but not quite.

“Everything alright angel?” He was on his feet and sauntering into the foyer. Sometimes a particularly brave canvasser for some local church or scam organization would show up and Crowley had to scare them off. Often Aziraphale was too polite to do so himself, especially if they didn’t take to his subtle hints. Only once had the angel gotten stern with someone, and that had been when they tried to good old ‘foot in the door’ technique. In that instance, Crowley had had to save the canvasser form Aziraphale. 

That wasn’t what he found when he waltzed through the doorway. Standing there was Gabriel and Beezelbub in all their Heavenly and Hellish glory. They wore the same expression, of annoyance mixed with a large dash of disgust. “Oh shit.”

[salamanders-please]

WIP of a thing idk

I was tagged by @pigeontheoneandonly to share some WIP, so here I am. This is 100% a first draft in its rawest and unedited form and therefore almost certainly garbage, and as a bonus it was written on my phone one night when the idea wouldn’t let me sleep. Which I think should win me some bonus points or something.

This here is a scene from my fix-it fic DA:O retelling that will most likely never see the light of day but who knows. I just wanna add a note that this scene takes place in the middle and after significantly more character and relationship development than is in the original game. ...

"Of all the stupid detours we've taken on this trip, playing matchmaker has to be crowned king," Morrigan said to no one in particular, settled companionably around the fire with the rest of the gang as they made camp in the Brecilian forest. She'd been joining their circle more lately. It went against everything she'd ever learned in her whole life. Love and friendship were weaknesses to be exploited and nothing more. Yet Leliana and Mahariel's vibrant, scandalized laughter at another one of Zevran's dirty jokes, Alistair's and Shale's strange campfire conversations, even Wynne's incessant mothering chiseled at that conviction. The way Zevran or Leliana sometimes playfully bumped shoulders with her when they passed by or sat next to her made her want to believe everything her mother had ever taught her to believe was wrong. That the campfire was a little warmer with friendly company. Leliana, who was seated beside her crowed, "oh but don't you think it's romantic? They looked so happy together. " She leaned into  morrigan, her shoulder pressing into hers. "Speaking to the boy's girlfriend for him when his own mouth works perfectly well? Oh yes, I could hardly stop myself from swooning." Morrigan halfheartedly attempted to nudge the other woman off but it just made her fall in closer until she was practically in Morrigan's lap. Morrigan sighed dramatically. Zevran snickers. "I know, right?" Alistair affected a dreamy eyed expression. "I dream of the day my sweetheart has someone I've never met to propose to me on her behalf. I can hear it now 'oh Alistair, you don't know me but will you marry Miss Sophia?' Of course I'll say yes. " Zevran burst into laughter. Leliana pouted, grumbling "at least Mahariel agrees with me," shrinking even deeper into Morrigan. Unthinking, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, Morrigan brought her hand to the top of Leliana's head and patted gently. "There, there." There's a second where both woman go stiff, shocked by the uncharacteristic display of affection. It had always been one-sided until now. Morrigan letting them be kind, letting them warm to her while she kept everything she was carefully locked away in a cage she would never open. But at some point since traveling with this circus the lock had rusted and bits of the life she wished to have as a child bled through the crack. She'd dreamed of friends but had never known them, had given up on those childish fancies until she no longer dreamed of them. But just the tiny action. A gentle pat - touch for the sake of touch, to convey affection. The lock finally fell off and a surge of emotions flooded forth as it occurred to her that she felt more at home with these weirdos than she had in that tiny hut in the wilds. Because these people had somehow wormed their way into her heart and had been a better, warmer family than her mother had ever been. Leliana relaxed as the initial shock wore off. But Morrigan remained stiff, a deer having caught a whiff of a predator. She wanted nothing more than to disappear into the trees before reality took a hammer to this illusion of peace and her emotions became a weapon wielded against her. She carefully extricated herself from the bard. She was given a few curious looks to which she replied. "Must I announce to the whole camp when nature calls?" She wove her own path through the trees and tried to ignore the anxiety swirling in her stomach.

... [some type of scene transition or smth would probably go here idfk]

"You have a nasty kink, " she snorted to the boots snapping across twigs behind her. "Come to spy on me? " "No this just is prime pissing real estate and I couldn't let you have it all to yourself." Alistair said glibly. Then more seriously "you've been gone a while. " "Worried about me? " she hoped the acid in her words would make him turn around and leave. He was the last person she wanted to have this conversation with. "If I said I was?" It was neither the response she had hoped for nor expected. A knot of anxiety and irritation in her stomach tightened. "I'd say you were a fool." And what she didn't add was the more he and the more others openly cared for her the harder it was to push them away and the harder it was going to be to leave them like she had planned from the very beginning.

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All my writer and artist friends that I know of left after the purge ;o; so I don’t have anyone to tag. But anyone who sees this and is feeling brave, consider yourself tagged!