#idk theres just something about mikey thats so Mikey

[felixcosm]

I love Mikey so much, he's such a horrible man and there are things I am still genuinely pissed off about (Baby Mikey 😔💔) but Mikey is my favorite guy ever.

Even out of all the other Mikes who have their own shticks like being a cowboy or being a hippie or being Ty's lapdog or Eagle's drone, Mikey Walters, good old Mikey Walters will be my favorite still. He could never be boring or uninteresting to me, no matter how many unique iterations he gets <3

[bulbabutt]

if i can be corny for a second i wanna talk about the greatest strengths of the 2003 tmnt series and why it speaks to me (esp as a queer person)

so i might have alluded to this before, but let me say it outright: each show is definitely a product of its time, and the ideals of whatever generation its from. whether talking about the humour, the story, the dialogue etc, its always important to remember that these shows will always come off in a way due to the generation theyre from. and thats not a bad thing! it just means its important to think about them from that perspective.

2003 is a show of my generation growing up, and a thing about that era that maybe some people younger than me wont understand is there is so much more language commonly available to describe yourself now than there was then. you can take this in any context; mental health, sexuality, gender identity, or even just the ability to describe your relationships with more (idk if this will be the right word) therapist language.

in 03 we have a family unit of splinter and his sons, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. we have a splinter who hasnt opened up to his sons about the trauma hes experienced, but not in a way of shutting them out, simply because it isnt their responsibility to know as they are teenagers. he tells them of the mutagen that created them, but not of his past with his master yoshi, who he calls father when by himself, but never around his sons which is just an interesting concept to think about.

(i do not intent this next sentence as ragging on the two shows after this when i say it, simply from a character standpoint) this is the splinter who completely doesnt make his problems his sons problems, but he also is very willing to tell them the truth when he knows they're ready. this is is the most idyllic version of splitner out of all of them, even when comparing to his mirage counterpart (who hes the most based on) due to that splinter raising them to be ninja specifically to make them fight shredder. this one is just their father who loves them and wants to keep them safe the best way he can, and he was never a human in the first place to even know how to be that. so this whole family dynamic starts with him, and the way he raised his sons reflects his parenting.

so, the setting and year this show is made is 2003. something very relatable here is how there isnt a lot of language for the personality quirks of the turtles. there's so much evidence here for mikey having adhd, his brothers will say things like "why doesnt mikey have to help?" and the answer is "well, he'd be bored. and whats worse, mikey not helping or mikey being bored?" its this beautiful moment of, "hey, we know its not fair, but thats how mikey is, and its better for everyone if we just respect that thats how he is" mikey cant keep his hands off stuff, they know this they dont yell at him for behaving that way, they just stop him. this coding feels the most specific, but like i said. its 2003. we dont have the words to describe what this is yet, and if we do its not common knowledge.

another example is in the classic episode where raphael meets casey jones. raphael is sparring with mikey, and he lashes out and nearly kills mikey. everyone reacts to this by getting him to stop, and no one is more upset than raphael himself. they all tell him to go get some air, which he does. theres no moment of any of them screaming at him for losing his temper, its very clear that they all know he's going to do that himself. and he does go get some air. they all know thats what he needs. he goes and meets casey jones, another hot head, and raph has to help coach this hot head on his anger. when he comes back at the end of the episode after having let out that aggression, he apologizes and no one is upset with him. there's a very clear understanding among his family that he cannot help it, but the best thing they can do is give him his space when he needs it. watching this from a 2023 perspective (20 years later) im sure we could analyze this as a few things going on with raph, my mind comes to autism but at the end of the day it doesnt matter why he behaves like this, the point is that he does and the best thing his family does is just...help him. which they do. and they never hold it against him.

when leo is going through his ptsd arc hes at his closest to raph as a character, the show draws a lot of parallels (like having him go let out some aggression with casey) and we get to see the dynamic in reverse. in "i, monster" (the rat king episode) leo is losing it, taking on rat king alone and not wanting to let up. raphael is actively holding his brothers back when they say "we shouldnt leave him to fight alone", raphael says "if leo gets in trouble i'm the first one in there, but right now it looks like leo's got more than one monster to work out of his system" raph doesn't exactly know what leos going through, but he recognizes it. he knows he needs to fight alone, so raph lets him. its only when the building collapses and leo is no longer in a safe position that he says "leo lets go", which leo wordlessly agrees with and actually listens.

this is what i think is the best part of these guys, the unconditional understanding they have for the way they are. we still have our "raphs a big hot head" "mikeys annoying" jokes, but they feel like genuine good natured sibling ribbing because they know each other on that level.

and to go back to the fact that this show is set in 2003, there's something so specific about the way mikey constantly makes references to liking women's clothing, to being fine with feminine language, and to being open about being the pretty turtle who "has that effect on minds of men" speaks to me as a queer person. this could easily be intended as homophobic jokes and probably is, because again.... its the mid 2000s, thats very much what media was like, thats what the jokes were. especially with the girly screams mikey does being one of the first jokes of this nature.

but theres something that happens in season 4, where an alien is attacking mikey, and donnie rushes in and says "hey, thats my sibling" that sticks out. and it happens again in fast forward. when talking to the dark turtles leo says "you and your brothers" "me and my siblings"

because of the way this family unit just understands each other without ever having a conversation about things, it feels like its not a joke. theres some kind of affirmation happening here. even if it seems like i could be reading into it too much, its specific! and it keeps happening!

and by the end of the show, when mikey says he wants to be maid of honour, even if that line in the media itself was intended to be a joke, no one in their family treats it like one. of course mikey is the maid of honour, he asked to be one! the only real offence taken is when april says bride's maid, to which he is offended because hes so much more important than that!

so from a story standpoint, this show doesnt have the intricate complexities and butting heads of latter iterations, there isnt much relationship growth to be had (in fact once we get to around season 5 the flanderization of the characters kind of begins and it loses some of the more complexities) but thats because its just not the focus of the story! the story is more about what they go through together, and thats fine! thats what our shows kind of were at the time. not saying there isnt any relationship growth, but its very much not the focus because these turtles? they already understand each other in a healthy way.

so to me, these guys are kind of the most wholesome family unit

[ty-bayonet-betteridge]

Gimme directors commentary for Two Liars Lying To Eachother please!

its been a while since ive thought about this fic in any capacity lksajdaskdfld lets see if it still holds up! directors commentary for chapter 1, i'll be doing the others separately later :D

Each of his hands was cuffed to one of the table's legs, somewhat restraining his motion. He hated it; he preferred being able to fidget.

autism edgar but this also isnt the sort of autism i tend to see him as having? idk the idea of edgar stimming is very weird to me

That was a somewhat good sign. He took another glance at the large, mirrored wall of the room, which he had no illusions was reflective on the other side. The only question was whether anyone was in the viewing room to catch his knowing glances.

theres an XKCD about how fun it is to occasionally announce "i know you're listening" to an empty room, because if you're wrong nobody will ever know and if you're right it will freak the HELL out of them. thats basically what Mustardseed is doing here.

According to Michael, he had traded himself in to the compound in exchange for catching Mustardseed - for catching me, Edgar thought, smiling faintly.

seamless exposition, me. i had to establish that this Edgar was Mustardseed, but the narration is roughly tied to his view of things, and Mustardseed doesn't think of himself as Mustardseed, just as Edgar, so the narration couldn't call him Mustardseed.

The door swung open and in came Ty Betteridge. He was a few years older than the last time Edgar had seen him, back when he'd killed him inside of Tier Two on the night Base was formed,

...wasn't that Hunter? or did it become Edgar that killed young!Ty in the post-72 timeline? i am confuse

Well, I appreciate making me feel like a criminal after you plucked me out of the middle of my normal day.

hes so bitchy and for what?

If you're worried about unpredictability, why does the cowboy get to roam free? He's been rather hard to keep under control, in my experience.

i wanted to make it clear just how bitter Edgar is towards all members of Base, so of course five seconds into this conversation he tries to fuck Michael over

Ty's grin was somewhat predatory.

this fic is 90% me looking for different ways to describe smiles. Ty and Mustardseed are both very smiley.

They called you OVEdgaR,

i think im the only person who capitalizes ovedgar that way

"With my husband, yeah." Edgar smiled and raised his left hand to show off the simple wedding band. "Mm. Congrats. Mike told me he wasn't married to you, how odd."

I FORGOT HOW DISMISSIVE TY SOUNDED HERE. he cares of course but

Base Mike and Edgar aren't married.

i try to be very precise about the names characters use for each other, because i think its a very quick way to characterize relationships. Mustardseed always refers to them as "Base Mike" and "Base Edgar", while Ty refers to them as just Mike and Edgar, or possibly Mikey and Edgar, depending on context.

"Hm. You're much less trouble than the Mikes; each one of them ties so much into their name. It's a little exhausting keeping track of them, to be honest." "Well, I never really had trouble with it, but I suppose it is easier if you care about him." Edgar smiled like he hadn't just thrown out the barb. Ty laughed. "I care about Mike Walters more than you can imagine, Panther." Ty grinned, waiting to see if Edgar would respond to the pet name. Edgar kept his face neutral and pleasant.

Edgar definitely won that exchange :P its important to me that Edgar feels like he's in control of the conversation even though he very clearly isnt in control of the situation, because that's the vibe he gave off in ep 84.

Moving on… you established a campaign of terror against Mike's base in an attempt to free yourself and your… husband… from their control. Is that right?

Ty is reading these questions off his clipboard and the prompt on it didnt say "husband," it said "OVER Mike." HOWEVER the pause before saying it was something Ty probably did deliberately to keep up his veneer of indifference.

"I'd rather not put Michael through any more undue stress. He's had a hard couple of days, especially with all the strain you've been putting on him."

this is so funny to me, because it IS another barb, but its also sort of Ty trying to guilt-trip Edgar like thats gonna work??? :P

I have a lot of sympathy for Michael too, but as far as I know, he's never had anyone threaten him at gunpoint to stay in Base.

i'll be honest, he probably has. Michael's seen some shit

"I am sorry for your situation, Edgar, I really am. But you do keep pulling me away from the questions, and the sooner we get these done, the sooner we can get you out of those cuffs and moved to your quarters."

this is a very Ty Betteridge thing to say. like yeah, im sorry that YOU keep delaying me from getting you comfortable. hes so...

So he was listening when Michael and I were talking.

reading it back, i feel like i didnt give the audience enough credit. they probably could have picked up on these little jabs and maneuvering tactics without me having to point them out. anyway yes, ty is doing this interview only half for actual information gathering reasons, the other half is just to waste edgars time as a form of basic psychological warfare

Your Base may be rudimentary, but I believe that you are a smart man, Edgar.

i keep pointing out the little jabs and not having much to say about them, but theyre still so good to me. "i know all your friends are stupid but i didnt think you were too"

"Sometimes smart people do dumb things in the heat of passion." "And is that the only reason you made those thirty-two duplicates?" "It's the only reason I'm going to be telling you."

i'll be honest, i have no idea what i was hinting at here. i think canon at one point suggested there might have been an ulterior motive to the Mustardseed escapees, but i didn't make any sort of plan for what that might be. if i had to retroactively justify it, i'd say Mustardseed's future scouting told him that the escapees would be consolidated into MW, and that MW's existence was important to his plans somehow.

"I've got all day, Ty." Edgar smiled across the table, a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

i just ctrl+f'ed and the word "smile" appears 7 times in this 1k word chapter.

[camzverse]

CASSIDY MICHAEL AND ROXY!!!!!

YAAYYY

sorry for answering like two weeks late btw 💀💀💀💀 ignore rhattt

(i wanted 2 do all three but like theres practically no canon information about cassidy.. this shit a travesty forreal. like what do we even know about her besides some logbook and ucn stuff. Sighh............ so just mikey n roxy i GUESS)

michaelllll

favorite thing about them: either the way he just watches that little vampire soap opera every night (So silly) or the fact he can draw. his little drawings in the logbook...

least favorite thing about them: him being a little BITCH in fnaf4. he was straiggt up INFURIATING. if i ever encountered 1983 mike its ON SIGHT

favorite line: "he tripped and fell on freddys teeth not our fault" <-ITS SO FUNNY TO ME WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM . that or his whole "i should be dead but im not im going to come find you" speech it was pretty cool tbh. he ate

brOTP: Does he even have friends. wait do him and helpy count theyre so silly. freak corpse father and little toy bear son... im not sure what does and doesnt count as a brotp lmao

OTP: dont really care that much for shipping him but jeremike is soo fun :3 i like them

nOTP: ummm idk i guess just. Not the icky stuff yk. cant really think of anything else

random headcanon: i personally lov the idea that he kinda designed foxy. like he came up w the idea in like a drawing. i think its neat

unpopular opinion: idk exactly how unpopular this is but ive seen a loott of people saying it and. i dont think mike was mean 2 evan bc elizabeth died and he took it out on him or Whatever tf it is people think (i also dont even think she was dead at this point. imo) i think he was just mean bc. he just was mean yk. he just enjoyed being mean to ev and scaring him. as older brothers often do. i just dont think there was some deeper reason i really believe he was just being mean for the sake of fucking w his sibling. side note i dont think he ever wouldve taken it as far as the bite incident on his own i think that was jst a special case bc his bullying was being super enabled by his equally dickheaded friends. ykwim? not like he wasnt at fault he absolutely was but like i think it was a mob mentality kinda thing. if thta even makes sense. Anyway

song i associate with them: cop car by mitski.... something something "i will never die" Also michael afton + dog metaphor makes me insane

favorite picture of them:

he is Lookingg..

roxyy!!!

favorite thing about them: i LOVE her design. and also her personality. shes just a really cool and interesting character as a whole i like what theyve done in creating her. Ok thats not really a fav thing ermm im gonna go w her design cuz it goes so hard

least favorite thing about them: shes a gregory hater and i cannot get behind that !! Sorry queen u fell off

favorite line: def either "sign up today and be a WINNER! nobody likes a loser 🙄🙄" (i love the way she says it its so funny 2 me) or "i remember because you are number one—twice :)" (aww CRIES)

brOTP: do her and cassie count. Theyre everything. i really do not think i am understanding brotp correctly but its not like theres that many options either. whatevr. OOHhhh yk what i really fw roxy-freddy friendship. their dynamic intrigues me....

OTP: also not big on shipping for roxy but i yhink roxica is cutee ^_^

nOTP: umm i have no idea actualky. lmao

random headcanon: she is a #lesbian she kisses girls shes a big fan of women etc u get it. also hc that when kids go in her green room and they play the racing arcade machine she starts backseat gaming them like crazy . shes just mad she cant play the game herself lmao

unpopular opinion: umm i dont think i really have one Question mark.. tbh i feel like people dont talk about roxy that much so im not sure what Is a popular opinion. people should talk about her more shes interesting

song i associate with them: what you waiting for by gwen stefani!!!!! actually bc of that one roxy drawing u made that had that song LOL

favorite picture of them:

shes so cool..

[nerves-nebula]

Idk if it was recent but I was scrollin for tmnt 2012 mikey stuff and I saw an ask you answered about the 2012 abusive to mikey fics lol- Obv you dont have to answer but Id like to pit my two cents in- Which is like,,,Lowkey as long as its done well I dont think the “omg rise verse treats each other much better and adopt 2012 mikey fics” are that bad- Theres plenty and I mean PLENTY of like abusive splinter abusive 2012 bros fics out there and like its honestly a hit or a miss on all of them???

Like legit as its written well I dont think those fics are exactly much of a problem- Bc its just like “omg they help each other heal” kinda thing- I do personally prefer the fics where rise is like “erm yall are really fuckin rude to each other” “well yall are all emotionall constipated” and just help each other heal n shit lol

-2012 TMNT Enthusiast <3

idk shit about shit TO BE HONEST. I have NO horse in this race except for the nebulous horse-concept of "I like to read fics about abuse and i want the abuse to be realistic or well thought out in one form or another"

i never got around to watching all of 2012 and i probably never will cuz sometimes it makes me UNCOMFORTABLE but not like, in the fun way that i seek out. it makes me uncomfortable in the "oh the people writing this thought this was a funny joke but it mirrors my home life too much to be funny and now im uncomfortable cuz i'm painfully aware that there are ppl out there that think this is just like. comedy. and probably don't even care ppl like me exist." <- person who was lowkey bullied by its sibling

like there are things to appreciate in 2012 for sure and i even like it like 60% to 70% of the time but it's also kind of triggering sometimes and i cant really tell when it will be either one of those.

ok but thats just me talking about my feeligns- BACK TO THE SUBJECT AT HAND:

I honestly don't see a lot of value in reading fics that are like, a meta "here's what i think is wrong with this series" or bashing other versions of tmnt. i mean i understand why someone would write them but they don't hold a lot of value for me personally as a reader.

to this day my favorite A-Team Is Abusive fic is These Days, it's been abandoned i think, but reading it was soooo good for me. I remember the genuine anxiety i felt while donnie was setting up his plan to run away. the authors got other fics too and it makes me CRAVE some good dysfunctional family reconciliation.

also it's clear, or at least it appears so to me, that the author really cares about these characters and is kind of taking the whole "ok but what if its not slapstick and we take the physical violence stuff and belittling stuff seriously" route which is like. yeah i really like that actually.

plus the like, leo dealing with the pressure of leading his family and kinda failing is !!! idk. and i really liked raph there cuz he was like a jerk but also totally understandable to me yknow, if you've been doing something forever it might not occur to you that it's REALLY BAD hhfasujgksadmagg.

GOD IM JUST TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS AGAIN AAA

as for rise/2012 crossovers. uh. shrug emoji. idk shit about shit but the few ive tried to read weren't realllyyyy my kind of thing, cuz they mostly seem to be meta fics about the authors opinon on fandom stuff instead of like. anything else, hefff. so. eh.

[fictionkinfessions]

haahaha imagine if i came in here AGAIN to talk about how much i miss my LIFE wouldnt that be fucking WACKY

a ny ways missing my family <333 again <333333333 because i never dont miss them (add that to the Leo Being Cringe tally or whatever) and i am, quite frankly, in a really shit mood right now so why not kinfess about it lol

where i live isnt the worst for disabled people, but yk theres the whole thing with The Public Education System being the literal fucking worst if youre autistic or have adhd and i have Both of those and only ONE of them is diagnosed because the healthcare system in my country hates ME. SPECIFICALLY

and it really makes me MISS when i would just. be able to explain it to my family that im not lazy and i do really want to do the thing i have to do but i cant get it past the first. yk, thought stage. its like something gets lost in the neurons somewhere. and i dont know if ive made this apparent yet but that doesnt really gel well with the education system.

so here i am, feeling like shit in 1000 different and uniquely-hellish ways, missing my family not only because of fucking course i miss my family, and also because the situation im in is actually a bit worse for me, disability wise.

id be willing to spend time in the prison dimension again just to get back to you guys. to get home, yk? (and YES raph i KNOW thats "not good" and YES mikey i KNOW thats "unhealthy" and YES donnie i KNOW you'll kill me if i say that again but. idk what else to tell you haha)

yours in melancholy. or whatever

-leo 🔷⚔🌌

x

[angelslant]

heaven is a junkyard?

my favorite lyric

i have a really hyperspecifc connection to this lyric that isnt worth getting into but like. hooooooo boy. also theres a whole recurring theme throughout this album of a "no one" who is not doing/seeing/understanding something and thats just so. its just soooooo

my favorite song

prizefighter my beloved...that song just absolutely bowled me over the first time i heard it. ive lisntened to that song hundreds and hundreds of times since it was released and watched the mv so many times as well...its literally perfect in my eyes

the song that makes me cry

idaho alien.....i have a whole thing about this song both just in itself and in connection to My Own Private Idaho, which i actually just watched for only the second time ever recently despite it being my favorite movie for several years. mikey waters is one of my favorite characters of all time. i think theres this sensitivity to this song that reminds me of mike a lot, and reminds me of what place i was in when i first watched MOPI. i really like art about feeling isolated even when youre not technically alone, and not being understood by the people around you.

the song that’s a fucking bop

little devil from the country ofc i think is the banger of the album. i also think rabbit is a bop but im not sure its intended to be in the way im making it one

the song i most dislike/least love

deep red sea does not hit for me...i dont like the instrumentals much and its a little like. lounge-y for me personally idk

[paralysis-comic]

yourocsbackstory week 1: parents

|| @yourocsbackstory​ ||

gettin this in niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice and early. tw for vaguely implied child abuse

Baby Blues Act 1, or Gina Takes A Deep Dive

You’ve come to use the phrase “my dad” interchangeably for them both now.

As always, you’re never sure how confusing it is for anyone who’s not, for example, John or Diane; but you maintain that the word for man who raised you and man who (allegedly) had a part in creating you are, at least in English, one and the same. ‘Stepdad’ sounds a bit…

Uptight?

Stilted?

Crass?

No, you reserve stepdad for teachers and police officers. Or – in times where you feel the need to throw all mention of long-dead folks out the window and focus on the more-recently-dead – when mum’s boyfriend is too many syllables to fit into one conc- ah.

No, no, put it down. No, on the sofa. Now stand up. Never mind if you look like Bambi on the ice, no one’s here. Mum’s at work, Dad’s in America, fuck knows where John is, Dad’s in America, remember? Not identifying bodies, not being questioned, not (FUCK!!!!!!) holding this in front of you.

Now stand up.

Pick it up.

Sit down.

Breathe.

Actually, no, get the other one.

You’ve never properly looked through it.

What did you come here for again?

The first one is a bit tatty. That’s how it’s always been. Black, red corners, looks like a photo album you’d see on TV, like in The Simpsons or something. Wait, isn’t that how something from 90’s America should look?

On the inside cover, a tiny “1980-1999” in the top left corner, a normal-sized “To Mimi & Nate, happy anniversary!!!! love Glad & Atticus” (ugh) and a large cut-out message of general condolence that you never bother to read.

And on the first page, before the album proper, two portrait photos taped in.

On the left, in black and white, a thin teenage boy in a suit, and an old lady in a long dress and headscarf. You flip it up, as careful as you’re physically able. There’s some Russian on the back, then some Welsh in the same handwriting. You know neither. Shit. Fuck– And below it, what looks to be the English counterpart:

Just after Sam’s Bar Mitzvah. Never went to another one. Only photo I’ve got of her. D x

You wish you’d had a Bar Mitzvah. Ceri did, but Auntie Lettice didn’t let you go.

Ceri still keeps asking you why.

You bite your nail. God, if you get this emotional over every one, you’ll be here forever. And you can’t even remember why you got them down in the first place. The one on the right, in full 90’s colour, that’s your dad and some guy you don’t know. No one’s told you about him yet. He’s sitting on your dad’s lap, attempting to drum, like you used to do to Charles. It looks professionally done, like a photo of Queen. Blurry hands in the foreground and all. Oh, you never noticed Cadz there at the piano. Adorable.

Theres a note under it. All in English, thank fuck.

Hello boys, found this when I was rummaging around in Mikey’s room, thought you’d like to have it. Give my love to Althea and the kids. Love from Sue xxx

You have never heard those names in your life, although now you’re never sure what you mean by that. It may well be that you and John (and Beth and Gel and Ronnie and Llew and Renée and Meic (and Hector)) have been sat down and told all of this in great detail. You try not to let the name Sue get in your head. You try and think nice thoughts. You don’t have a lot of nice thoughts at this time of year.

You’re not fussed with most of these. You were once, before the novelty of having one very famous, very dead parent wore off for the second time.

The ones at the beginning, you got bored of those ages ago. There’s only so many times you can see a photo on tumblr and still want to reblog it. @fuckyeahgoosnargh never got back to you when you told her to take them down. You like the way their hair looks — Cadz in pigtails, your dad with a vague approximation of Brian May. Reminds you of you, in a mad way.

Some more early ones. The three of them, the four of them, the funeral, the three of them again.

Then a few from gigs. They don’t impress you much. Sure, Cadz is a serviceable musician – he did give you your first banjo, after all – but as a frontman? Come on. And you wish they’d have focused in on one of the others; between the aggressive drummer with black greasepaint over his eyes (still in a suit, by the way) and the tiny guitarist in drag (think John Travolta, not Ru Paul), you can see why you and John turned out the way you did.

The ones in the graveyard are your favourite. Most of them are in black and white, which you’re not a fan of, but there’s one of the whole band, in colour: your dad, Cadz, the woman with the drawn on eyebrows, that Mikey guy, your other dad (he had drawn on eyebrows as well in those days, and his hair was straightened and slicked back), and some other bloke. He kinda looks like your dad but with real eyebrows. Maybe thats the Uncle Gaylord that Nana was on about. He’s not in any of the other photos. Gotta ask her what happened to him next time you see her. If you see her.

Some of your dad and Auntie Al. You like the one of him in the front doorway with the sun coming through, looking over his shoulder at all the boxes on the floor. You wonder why they split up. You wonder– oh, now you remember why youre here. All the ones of Ronnie and Llew must be in another album. Shit.

The next ones are of him in hospital. You’ve no desire to know what was wrong with him – medical stuff makes you cringe now – but he’s very pale and thin, and so is his hair. He looks way too young to be totally grey, even as haggard as he is. At least, with the curl back in, he doesnt look too dishevelled, if you disregard the missing eyebrows. There were ones of Mikey in hospital earlier, but you skipped past those. You don’t want to think about him anymore.

A lot of magazine and newspaper clippings. You’ve read them all before. You’re not in the right mood to read them again, but you do look at the pictures. As you turn the page, a newer and shinier piece of paper falls out. It’s from that one notebook article about you, with the covers of your and your dad’s first (only) solo singles. You’re making the exact same face. You suppose the effect would have been lost now, what with your bleached hair and ruined nose.

Then some of your parents — all four of them. They must have met at the same time. The ones that aren’t in Canada (you don’t need to see those, there’s enough of them on the walls) are in various parts of Wales: Great-Nain and Great-Taid’s village in Glamorgan, Nana’s house in cardiff (not many of those), John’s place, the big house you sometimes call home, the normal-sized house you currently call– huh.

It ends there.

gina: so yeah idk

diane: dude

diane: you know you were just away for 3 hours

diane what the heck were you doing

gina is typing…

[cow3survivor]

Ep. 6: “So Many Ways This Could Backfire” - Jennet

JENNET 

so the plan worked out great except jabari said that “now jake will know the truth” in front of daisy and the other tribemates🥺 i was hoping that i could pin this on lindsay so that once we merged i could lie about it and have lindsay be out next before the merge... this is truly sickening idk what to do

(a little later)

feeling really bad... is it my fault that jake forced me into a f3 with jabari who ive barely spoken with??? idk i feel like not only did i betray her but i betrayed a black woman and that makes me sick to my stomach.... hoping that i made the right choice and this propels me further in the game🥺 i honestly hated having to do that but maybe if ethan and sam have tribal connections left, when we merge, maybe we will be able to stick together and he’ll also help connect me

JESSICA

I GOT THE IDOL! It is good for 4 rounds and I still have my vote. And just in time as we are swapping into 3 tribes of 5 like I thought..... wow my psychic abilities! Jabari got voted out at tribal and I'm sad. I didn't know her but I think she was new to orgs and I really wanted to play with her! Plus she volunteered to do the tiebreaker for her tribe so I thought they'd keep her due to that. Time for a swap lets kick this game into gear!

JENNET

hoping jake isnt on the same tribe as daisy or lindsay

(a little later)

also hoping im on a tribe of winners so i never make it to tribal bc i DEFINITELY was/am the weakest link☠️

MIKEY

so. I FUCKING HATE THIS NEW TRIBE. THEY PICKING OFF ALL THE GOOD ORIGINAL CALUMMA MEMBERS AND MY GIRL JABARI LITERALLY JUST LEFT??? FUCK YOU JENNET. I KNOW THIS IS BECAUSE OF YOU! But anyways, its me and jake vs all OG (insert other tribes name) and i think I'm going next lool fuck ME. this is very sad indeed and idk im upset but ima try my mf hardest

JAKE

https://youtu.be/OzrGekDCG8I xoxo gossip girl

JENNET

jones and ethan on my tribe?? *blushes sm*

(a little later)

nervous about this tribe... ive pulled off three blindsides that ive helped orchestrate so if like if someone really wanted to look deeper into it.... they would be able to make a target out of me bc of it. definitely worried

(after cooking a fish)

this is basically an allstar team. everybody on here is a heavy hitter and that makes me worried bc if i wasnt the weakest link before, i definitely am now. wishing we had gotten rid of lindsay instead of jabari bc we just made another team stronger but it is what it is i guess

JONES

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbTUvzatQrw

JESSICA

Today's song is "Ribs" by Lorde because I have played it on repeat all morning. Also I forget if I said for my last confessional but that song was "Sober", also by Lorde. Basically I love Lorde and my life is better because of it. This swap worked out super well for me! I really said in my host chat "Could I please be put on a tribe with Shane and Daisy?" and the hosts simply said "Okay". I have my final 3 back together and we also have Lindsay and Lovelis. Lindsay seems really cool so far and Lovelis and I have a good thing going so I feel very confident on this tribe. I really hope we do not lose because honestly? I don't want to vote out Lindsay at all. I like that she is active and she seems like someone who really is putting in effort whereas Lovelis, as much as I like him, just really hasn't been here. I would rather play this game with people who are more active so to me it's like.... Lindsay is absolutely not the obvious vote if we lose. Not even a bit! I'd love to do with her what I did with Mikey and make a separate f2 so that when we merge, she's someone who will keep the target off of me. I didn't tell my alliance about the idol because honestly I just don't anticipate using it at all. It expires so soon and I really only took it so that no one else would end up having it. Also.... I don't know, I didn't tell them right away because I was a bit busy at the moment we swapped and now it feels suspicious if I do tell them? Also who knows, maybe they would not find my story believable and think I have an idol up to final 5 which I just don't want! I'd rather throw the idol into the sea so it causes no problems. This immunity challenge is an interesting one. If I knew what was in the boxes, I would probably bet more, but I bet some of those boxes have bad things or nothing in them and I simply do not want that. If I had to guess, one has the other half to that idol, one probably has an idol clue, another maybe has extra idol searches.... maybe another has an idol nullifier? Or a vote peek? Really none of these are things that I need. They're all cool but I'd rather be immune thanks! As far as how I feel in the game, I really do want the Maples to be f3. I'd rather be at the end with my alliance and lose than flip and be there without them. Ummmm what other thoughts do I have.................... I think that might be it. My mind is empty but I'm still moving forward.

LINDSAY

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1L5Nzch65XLD_njxnIxLKwqUs5vqXcYot/view?usp=drivesdk

JESSICA

Also if we lose this immunity....... I'll be mad because I bet 0 on everything and I am STAYING that way!

JENNET

feeling increasingly bad for voting out jabari /:: idk it doesnt sit right with me in the grand scheme of things. obviously its a game but the fact that i genuinely upset somebody to that extent is so sick. idec that we’re going to tribal, i want to be voted out

ETHAN

3 tribals in a row... I don't for a freaking second believe that Jones and Nicol "made a mistake" with their bidding. This feels like throwing, and if it is, it means that: 1. they feel comfortable enough with Jennet to have a majority 2. they feel comfortable enough with Pete to have a majority 3. it doesn't matter anyway, they now have 2 boxes and potentially an idol or two they could use Either way, this is a freaking sucky situation, and Pete is being super sketchy. People keep making bad play after bad play so honestly, it is hard for me because I keep assuming that they will be doing all of these things to throw the wool over my eyes when they actually aren't doing anything.

JENNET

im annoyed im frustrated and im angry... why were so many points used?

(a little later)

here i am... again... in the middle guys vs girls.... um this sucks bc like me ethan pete didnt use alot of points and nicole and jones did so thats like sucky bc initially i wanted pete gone but like now theres no reason for it to be him

(after soaking in the sun)

nicole says that pippa told her to wait to see whats in the box, so that could mean tribal or that could wait next round. or what if its a comeback power? i literally have no idea what to do

(after making a pillow out of leaves)

okay so the plan is, we get to tribal. me ethan and pete vote for nicole. jones and nicole vote for pete. nicole uses immunity on herself, pete goes home. there are so many ways this could backfire and honestly if it sends me home than im okay with that. i just hate going to tribal so many times in a row

MADISON

I AM FREE FROM MY BROOKESIA PRISON. Current tribe dynamic on Furcifer: me/Sammy have been on the same tribe this whole time, me/Sammy/Jake were just on swap Brookesia, and i know Sam from OG Brookesia so the only person i'm just now meeting is Mikey and that stresses me out so much less than if we had merged or something. My gut is telling me that the idol is long gone and searching might just get me annoyed before it gets me an idol. On the upside, i still have time to find one if it's it out there because i highly doubt I'll be in trouble anytime soon the way my tribe keeps winning everything. ALSO: i only said that i thought Calumma would lose because Shane was on that tribe and i just felt like he would go big or go home but that's an issue to address when our paths cross again. If our tribe ends up going to tribal sometime soon, i would hope it would be the obvious choice to vote Mikey seeing as how i know him the least but idk maybe thats wishful thinking i dont want it to come to that.

SAMMY

Mikey has my heart on this tribe....YUP I really just wanna keep all the fun ppl...im missing daisy:// umm I did not bid on a single thing and I kind of regret it but also??? At least I am safe from tribal...but damn I really should have bid huh? Anyways not much is going on...ready to start playing a more individual game tho hehe

SHANE

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1-WUq5wfYK3Xb1Y-KNZptfyagwvSff4cd

NICOLE

I cannot believe I risked being voted out only to NOT BE ABLE TO PLAY NEXT IMMUNITY!!!!!!! what a round, I'm so sad. But I hope I stay.

DAISY

from f15 https://youtu.be/-_meWPNctO0

PETE

it’s literally... dude.. why can’t i just float to a merge whyyYYYYYYYYyyYyYyyyYyYy does it AAAALWAYS have to be so COMPLICATED like this is it this is the time im mufuckin ouutttiiieeeeeee that challenge was clearly thrown so like ✌🏼 it was fuuuun i hope y’all liked me enough to bring me back for whatever the next chameleon returnees thingy is uwu

(after being attacked by bees)

i know i’m paranoid and every tribal i feel sick to my stomach but nobody has talked to me today, except ethan about how fucked we are, it’s half an hour before tribal and no one really seems like they want to work with me. i still haven’t heard a name

TRIBAL COUNCIL

PETE EXIT INTERVIEW

[maariku]

He’s Well Hung & I Am Hanging On [Rockstar AU Prequel]

[Rockstar AU main thread] ; done with @oregashujinkaku​

[jheeny3000 has joined the chat]

[PABLOO has joined the chat]

jheeny3000: pabloooooooooooo

PABLOO: yo

jheeny3000: he in yet

PABLOO: nah man

PABLOO: but i got updates too yo

jheeny3000: yeah?

PABLOO: ye my bands playing at charlie's pub this friday

jheeny3000: noice u gotta tell skeeter

[noranora has joined the chat]

PABLOO: ye i will

PABLOO: yo nora

PABLOO: saw u the other night that was a sick show!

jheeny3000: yo noraaaa

noranora: hey

noranora: omg thanks

noranora: i didn't see you there!

noranora: is skeeter here yet?

jheeny3000: nah but yo pablo's band is playing at charlies on friday

noranora: sweeeet when? i'll drop by!

PABLOO: prob like nine that would be cool ye

noranora: jon hows your music coming?

jheeny3000: fucken stalled girl

jheeny3000: mikey bailed so we need a new drummer

PABLOO: what a fag

noranora: oh shit :( good luck with that

jheeny3000: yeahhhhhhhhh whatevs he was a dick

PABLOO: didnt he try to hook up with that guys sister

[princemalik has joined the chat]

jheeny3000: idr probably lmao he hooks up with everyone

[skeeter has joined the chat]

jheeny3000: SKEEEEET

jheeny3000: skeet man

PABLOO: yo skeet what up

skeeter: sup what i miss

noranora: pablo's playing at charlies on friday! :)

skeeter: sick gig man

jheeny3000: yo skeet u know a drummer? ours bailed

skeeter: nah man sorry

jheeny3000: shit

skeeter: karim might

jheeny3000: truuu

noranora: hey who is princemalik

PABLOO: idk hasnt said anything yo skeet u coming to charlies for me?

skeeter: i'll try man

princemalik: hey

noranora: hi :)

PABLOO: yo wtf wheres karim i got fken class in an hour

jheeny3000: dont sweat it pablo we'll tell him about charlies

jheey3000: you dont gotta spread it out to everyone like a flier lmao

PABLOO: shut up man karim got me this gig

noranora: oh cool! is he playing too?

PABLOO: idk i think so

jheeny3000: well now im def going

PABLOO: ur a faggot man fuck you

skeeter: just texted him he's coming on

PABLOO: FINALLY

noranora: he's in uni pablo he's probably busy

PABLOO: we're all busy damn man

jheeny3000: skeet did he get a new phone

skeeter: idk

jheeny3000: i asked his number he said he lost his phone last week

PABLOO: lmaoooooo you fuckin got skid man

jheeny3000: asshole wtf i cant believe him

[mkarim has joined the chat]

jheeny3000: fuck him

PABLOO: lmao nice

noranora: omg

noranora: hey karim

jheeny3000: yo man u fix ur fuckin phone

PABLOO: dude

PABLOO: duuude dont

PABLOO: karim yo i got that gig on friday

jheeny3000: IGNORED palbo damn

PABLOO: palbo

PABLOO: yo where is he wtf

noranora: you guys have no chill

mkarim: hey nora

mkarim: nice pablo thats sick im gonna be there all night my boys are getting trashed haha

PABLOO: sweeet hey man i'll see u there

mkarim: for sure

jheeny3000: karim u got a drummer i can use

mkarim: what happened to mikey

jheeny3000: got enaged r smth

mkarim: aw

noranora: awww thats sweet

mkarim: hey whos princemalik

jheeny3000: no its fukn gay

jheeny3000: dk he doesnt fkn talk just sqautting

mkarim: doesnt malik mean king

mkarim: prince king?

mkarim: your highness do you play or do you watch

princemalik: i play

princemalik: someone in another chatroom told me to join this one

princemalik: something about this song i wrote

skeeter: oh yo that was me hey man sorry i blanked

skeeter: karim dm him he has some stuff you should hear sounds like yours

noranora: ooooh can we hear it?

mkarim: oh yeah? cool okay

jheeny3000: sounds like his how

jhneey3000: like rip off or like what

skeeter: like style man

PABLOO: i gotta go to class

PABLOO: see u guys friday?

PABLOO: charlies?

jheeny3000: jfc pablo we'll be there fk off with the self promo

noranora: we'll be there! :)

mkarim: see you man

PABLOO: kk

[PABLOO has left the chat]

jheeny3000: karim yo you never told me about the drummer situation

jheeny3000: you got one?

noranora: i think he’s afk again

jheeny3000: jfc skeet can u text him or smth

[princemalik has left the chat]

jheeny3000: skeeeeet

[mkarim has left the chat]

jhneey3000: r u fuck serious rn

noranora: i'm sorry j :/ i'll try to be on the lookout for you

jheeny3000: fucking faggots jfc

[jheeny3000 has left the chat]

[private message: mkarim@ princemalik]

mkarim: hey your highness

mkarim: so you got a link to these songs?

princemalik:  yeah, hold on

princemalik:  https:youtu.be/dQwwWgXcQ

mkarim: I like this

mkarim: I really like this

mkarim: you do this alone? how long have you been playing

princemalik: yeah

princemalik: oh man idk since I was a kid, I started taking singing lessons when I was eight I think

princemalik: you?

mkarim: christ lmao

mkarim: one of those kids huh

mkarim:  I started like fifteen or something I think

mkarim: no I like this though skeet was right it does sound like my stuff

mkarim: kind of punk right?

princemalik: yeah, alternative I guess

princemalik: so, do I get to hear some of your stuff or what?

princemalik: so you started at fifteen... how old are you now?

mkarim: yeah sure here

mkarim: https:youtu.be/dXwqQjXcX

mkarim: thats one of the newer ones

mkarim: 20

mkarim: u?

princemalik: yeah, me too

princemalik: holy shit, this is really good, you have like a band or something?

mkarim: yeah we play a bit in bars and stuff

mkarim: small venue stuff

mkarim: we're playing at charlie's on friday after pablo's band, you should come, are you in LA?

princemalik:  nah I don't live in the states, actually

princemalik:  that sounds really cool though, maybe you could get someone to record it for me?

princemalik:  that's not weird to ask, is it?

mkarim: no we post live vids on our channel you can check it out

mkarim: we're called endeverafter

mkarim: shame youre not close would be cool to jam sometime with a guy with music like yours

mkarim: you thinking of starting a band of your own?

princemalik: yeah absolutely I'll check it out

princemalik:  I've been talking to some of the guys in my class about it, the guitarist's dad owns a bar in the city he told us when we get some songs together we can play there

princemalik: so, do you speak Arabic or did you google my name?

mkarim: right on you gotta take him up on that let me know how it goes

mkarim: lol I speak it I was born just outside cairo

mkarim: I take it youre native too?

princemalik: yeah, I will.

princemalik: hey, me too.  When did you move out to the states?  What's it like?

mkarim: maybe five ago

mkarim: its amazing I love the city here

mkarim: so much to do, tons of clubs, people are just generally into more stuff

mkarim: I could never go back after being here its like a whole other world

mkarim: its expensive though

princemalik: yeah?  Worse than Cairo you think?

princemalik: I've always wanted to visit, it seems like everyone is more chill there, more accepting, y'know?

mkarim: definitely steeper. I got an apartment I share with three other guys rn

mkarim: they definitely are

mkarim: are you in school still?

princemalik: oh wow that's a lot, sounds like it could be a lot of fun tho

princemalik: yeah I am, you?

mkarim: yeah, second year. I think I'm done honestly though getting tired of this and the bands doing so well, we're getting signed in a few months, probably start touring

princemalik: holy shit you're getting signed?  That's amazing, good for you guys.  You gotta make sure the tour comes through here lol

mkarim: lmao yeah just for you your majesty

mkarim: what are you studying

princemalik: that's right, a private viewing just for me lol

princemalik: music theory

princemalik: what about you, something boring?

mkarim: yeah

mkarim: the only way my dad would pay for me to move here and go to school was if I studied what he wanted

mkarim: worth it to get away from him so I figure why not I can drop it out once I save up my own money

mkarim: sorry you don't need to know that shit

princemalik:  it's alright

princemalik: don't get along very well with your dad, huh?

mkarim: no

mkarim: do you live at home?

princemalik: that sucks, sorry man

princemalik: yeah, with my father and my sister

mkarim: older or younger? she into music too?

princemalik: older and nah not really

princemalik: she's more into like clothes and stuff

princemalik: you have any siblings?

mkarim: ooh fashionista lol

mkarim: no its just me

mkarim: that I know of lol

mkarim: isn't it late there now? youre like ten hours ahead aren't you?

princemalik: yeah she makes her own jewelry and everything she's pretty good at it

princemalik: yeah but it's the weekend tomorrow I'll just sleep in

mkarim: fair enough

mkarim: so what else are you into

princemalik: not a lot, with school and practice that takes up most of my time y'know

princemalik:  I read a lot, mostly keep to myself

princemalik:  what about you, you seem pretty outgoing.  I bet you have groupies already

mkarim: hahahaa yeah I guess kind of

mkarim: we go out a lot here like I said theres a lot of places to go

mkarim: do you party?

princemalik: yeah, sometimes

princemalik: there's some really nice clubs here but my dad is pretty strict so I've gotta get creative

mkarim: lol youre 20 man why do you stay at home? move out, get your own place, party any time you want. why let him rule you?

princemalik:  I don't really have a job right now, I couldn't afford living on my own anyway.

princemalik: he's not too bad

mkarim: if you say so

mkarim: I gotta get going. rehearsal. i'll talk to you later, prince lol

princemalik: alright lol see ya

princemalik:  you up yet?  How did your rehearsal go?

mkarim: hey sorry I hardly go on the chats here

mkarim: jon keeps bugging me about everything hes really annoying lol

mkarim: you can text me though that might be easier?

princemalik: yeah absolutely just send me you number

mkarim:  5552814

Hey it's the king.  So how was rehearsal, you go to any wild parties?

the king huh lol it was fine, just practicing for friday. probably having an after party then we'll see we'll see ;)

Hey, I didn't name myself lol.  Nice, have fun.  I'm going out Friday night too, it's not gonna be anywhere near as wild as your party though I'm sure.

whats your sisters name I bet its like Amira or something lol. you gonna party or got a hot date?

No lol it's Ishizu.  Just clubbing with some friends, I'm not really dating anyone right now.  What about you, you got a girlfriend or something?

or something. nah not really with anyone now.

so I listened to a few more of your songs on your yt, you've got good chords man. i'm still reeling that you put all that together by yourself.

That means a lot, especially from someone with as much experience as you, thank you.  Hey, if you ever need some guest vocals you know who to call lol

haha yeah if you ever flew to LA to sing. wouldn't be bad though we all suck, we could use someone like you. shame. what do you play most?

Mostly just sing, keyboard.  I started learning guitar years ago but I'm kind of a wuss with my hands I hate he callouses lol. What do you play?

lol aw the poor royal hands. I love guitar, i play bass mostly though.

Got the short end of the stick huh?   You're really good at the vocals too, you have a good voice for it.  You could be lead if you wanted to.

nah i don't think ive got the right stage presence for lead or something. i like bass its ok

That's something you learn, though, right?  You seemed to handle yourself pretty well in those videos.

ahh you watched those eh yeah they're kind nsfw I guess but so are the songs

Yeah they were really good though, you're very good looking.

ahahahaa thanks. You make any videos?

What, of just me?  Nah, that's kind of weird and embarrassing lol.  Maybe if the whole band thing takes off we will.

nah do like acoustic stuff. Girls love that shit. Besides, if you're good looking too it'll get you more views

Do they? lol  Yeah, maybe I'll try it.  Something with my keyboard, maybe.

yeah and then link me. That's not weird to ask right lol

Nah it's only fair I guess.  I'll have to borrow my father's camera no way my phone is gonna do it.

lol okay well good luck with that I look forward to it

Did you still wanna see that video?  I'm kinda nervous about posting it honestly.

what video?

oh yeahhh oh yeah send it over

I sent the link in our chat.  Promise not to laugh too much.

i promise

damn thats good man.

i mean it sounds as good the camera allows but you look great too man lol your views will definitely skyrocket if you post that

Oh wow thanks lol.  Yeah I think I'm gonna do it.  May as well start getting myself out there, y'know?

you absolutely should. i swear its a lot easier to get noticed here though i think, like we've only been playing a year maybe and we're growing fast. it's just LA

A year??  That's so fast.  Man I've gotta get out there some day.

you sure do. how was your weekend?

Boring.  I spent most of it helping my father clean out the garage, wrote some new stuff.  What did you do, Mr. Rockstar?

lol what happened to that party you were going to? i went out man I don't even remember what I did last night we got so fucked

I didn't end up going we'll probably go this weekend instead.  Actually I might have some friends over Tuesday while my father's out of town.  It must've been a lot of fun then lol.

that sucks. sounds like a shitty weekend. does your sister live at home with you guys i can't remember if you told me

Yeah, I did she does.  If I'm extra nice to her she won't tell on me lol

lol better start doing her chores then. you wanna show me some of your new stuff? do you start with lyrics or music?

I already did her laundry today lol.  Sure, how do you want me to show you?  I always start with the lyrics, it helps me get an idea of where I'm going.  You write any of the stuff for your band?

yeah some of the lyrics but the lead does most of the music, he's just got an ear for it. whatever is easier for you, depends on how much you have I guess? we can call if it helps.

Not too much, its mostly bits and pieces.  Yeah we can call if you want that would be cool.

Alright give me a sec

[Incoming call: Karim]

[bulbabutt]

god i just went through my own art tag since like... ever doing the turtles thing on here and i just find it so funny that every thing ive done has essentially started as "this will be funny i hope people laugh" and then it slowly grows more emotional depth and then i end up PUNCHING u in the gut w feels IVE LITERALLY DONE THIS MULTIPLE TIMES.......

haha what if rise leo got out funnied by 87 raph WOMP HES CRYING IN OTHER LEOS ARMS NOW

haha what if rise donnie tries to kill 87 donnie WOMP NEITHER OF THEM GET ENOUGH PRAISE AND BOND OVER IT

haha what if the 03 turtles watch star trek WOMP GET WORM GENDER EUPHORIA FUCKHEADS

which isnt me trying to toot my own horn or anything, i just really have appreciated the encouragement over the past uh. year and a half? that everyone has given me? like theres been ups and downs, but i gained a lot of confidence and felt like trying new things and being more creative. so many of the silly things ive enjoyed doing to make you laugh have turned into very genuine moments of joy and tears. like i genuinely have appreciated everybody who's ever looked at my work and said something nice idk WHAT i would be doing without that. like idk where else i would ever have felt comfortable enough to turn something like "what if the turtles watched star trek" into "mikey comes out as genderfluid" without people being so fucking nice and willing to hear me out and let me be sincere.

i always feel like i havent actually done that much art, but then i look back and im like whoa. wait thats actually a lot. and comics? strips and otherwise? ive never done that before! it just happened cuz people started being kind about my ideas and now ive gotten so much better! ive mentioned this before, but like i hadnt done art in....years. we're talkin 5 year gap at least. not for lack of trying. but honestly i often feel very dejected about my abilities and compare my work to others often. feel too old to be as amateur as i am. but genuinely, its meant a lot to just spread joy about something i like regardless of how good or bad i ever think i am at it. truly theres just a level of sincere kindness to things i create now that idk if i ever would have found without how nice and open people are.

bleh, idk where that all came from i guess just wanna say like ay im proud of me and im proud of you, lets all keep being kind to each other it makes us better ❤️

[guyfierisrealwife]

yall mind if i fuckin uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh cw for fuckin abuse ig

im so fucking lonely and i hate living here so much like im seriously at my limit idk what to do anymore like. theres really no safe place to be? like some of my friends have offered to let me stay with them for a little bit and that is extremely kind and generous of them and i love them very much and if either of you are reading this thank you so much ily ily but like i cannt do that to you and i also cant leave my mom alone with her ex as much as id want to leave this place and as much as i appreciate the offer i cant leave her

but at the same time both my mom’s house and my dad’s house are unsafe places for me to be at but i cant leave and i dont even know if ill be able to go back to school in the fall like rn idk what’s going to happen and like if the virus isnt like. less. by then i cant go. like i have severe asthma like it gets set off by anything and if i get it i might go to the hospital or die or whatever and its just not worth going back to school for a semester if i might just fucking die but also i Hate being home and i dont want to fall behind where i want to be with school and i dont want to be a semester behind all of my friends and graduate late like i know thats kind of stupid but i dont want to yknow

but most importantly with that i dont want to lose my fucking job if i have to take the semester off like thatd be devastating to me like my father isnt helping me pay for school and my mom is helping a little but i want her to save her fucking money like id rather be in debt than have her live with chris any longer than she has to so working is really important and i love my job a lot and im like Good at it and i dont want to lose my job

idk im just worried and if my dad screams at me one more time or makes some weird sexual comment or like moans loudly in our shitty small apartment where i can hear everything he does im going to fucking lose it like please im Literally Begging you to shut up like i hate living here i hate it but i dont have a fucking choice and like i know that there are solutions to this but none of them can like. work because i cant leave and move away without my mom being able to do the same

plus my brother screams at me for doing literally anything and he steals money and food from me like sometimes ill have like alcohol in the house bc how the fuck else am i supposed to cope and he just Takes it and he steals money from me even though he doesnt fucking need it like he’s not going to school and if he needs something my dad will get it for him bc mikey is physically the largest and strongest one of us so my dad is just like “here have whatever you want”

and my dad literally doesnt care about anyone but himself i was like “if your friend is in the house can you please have both of you wear a mask” and he lost his fucking mind at me which is like. cool. ok thank you. i mean there’s a pandemic and you and i are in high risk groups and i know the only thing you’d care about if i died would be that i wouldn’t have any more accomplishments you can take the credit for and if you fucking cried when i died id haunt you for the rest of fucking time you disgusting pervert id make your life hell like the fucking hell you made me grow up in but whatever

also we’re fucking poor which honestly does suck like a lot of the time like im not allowed to shower that often bc my like 10 minute showers every other day take ‘too much hot water and make the bill too high’ but if mikey takes an hour long shower every day he doesnt say Shit, and he’ll buy himself a lot of new shit and make fun of me for buying a computer with the money i made by working (at a job he doesn’t think is like a ‘real job’ even though it. is?? like i dont get his logic?? is it bc i work for the school i go to? whatever.) becauyse my computer broke beyond fucking repair and id had it for like 5 years and the new one i got the fucking person at the store was like “you need this one” and it was on sale because parts of it dont work so i was like “yeah ok sure” and my dad is like “um :-) you cant say anythign bc you bought a new computer” and its like yeah and i dont pay the water bill so whatever if you want to complain abt something complain about how you drink a 12 pack of beer a day and scream at your kids about how when we ask for food it’s too expensive because we’re like “can we have milk and sandwich stuff in the house?” and youre like “literally die i hate you i hate you. im such a good dad :) you are so ungrateful :) no one helps with anything in this house :)” even though i literally do?? like so much??? and if im like “im going to wash dishes” since we dont have a dishwash machine he’s like “NO DONT FUCKING DO THAT YOUD USE HOT WATER” and its like please im fucing begging you to have a brain dude like im really begging you to think for once in your goddamn life about literally anything

not to mention hes a huge homophobe and fucking ableist even though he has a gay, mentally ill daughter and a neurodivergent son that he refused for YEARS to admit has some kind of neurodivergency and didnt let live with my mom because he “didnt want to lose his only son” even though hes abusive to him and all 3 of his fucking daughters lmao and he wonders WHY heather and alyssa hate him so much its because he says things like “youre so hot” to his daughters and then screams at them and says shit like “ladies shouldnt fucking swear” and threatens us and screams so much and thinks that an “im sorry...................you know how i am...........i was just upset..............why are you so angry that i screamed at you until you cried and then got even more mad that you were crying............................. i didnt do anything wrong and you should forgive me even though i never will change.” like dude i told you it made me anxious when you came into my room when i was in 6th grade and you laughed in my face!!! you laughed at me!!! when i was clearly nervous and visbily afraid you were LAUGHING at me

AND HE FUCKING LIES SO MUCH!!!! HE LIES TO EXTENDED FAMILY MEMVERS TO MAKE THEM THNK HES A GOOD PERSON AND HE ACTS SO BELITTLING i hate him so much i literally hate him and the times that im so fucking lonely bc i have no one else i live with to talk to i say something to him and hes like “shut the fuck up and go away” and its lik :-) ok. how do you expect any of your kids to talk to you if you tell me to go away as soon as i say anything

and dont look at my goddamn ass and legs and dont look at other women like that either and dont masturbate with the door open just FUCKIN STOP YOURE DISGUSTING I HATE IT HERE

also mister “i NEVER hurt any of you” like yeah ok THATS why you screamed about hitting us and threatened us and literally?? did??? hit us with your fcuking belt? like what lmao do you have fucking memory loss ??? like do you not remember like ik it was a while ago but think back like. i remember clearly you slapping my brother across the face but ok lol

anyway i Do hate it here lol