#idk very selfish but i wish i was someone’s first choice

[sleepyams]

I’m so sad lol

[michelleelizabethtanner]

Do you think Rio has an avoidant attachment style? I wish we knew more about him and his history. What do you think he'd be like as a serious romantic partner?

Hi anon! Thank you for the ask. 😘

I can see why Rio may seem like he has an avoidant attachment style. He’s kind of a lone wolf. But I actually don’t think that attachment style is his problem. He isn’t the first man to be defined by one single bad thing he did when he was very young. Six months in juvie for petty theft and his ENTIRE life is ruined? He is now forever branded a criminal? Like the show’s theme professes – there’s always a choice. A lot of who Rio is, is who he believes himself to be. He believes he’s a criminal, so he’s a criminal. He believes it’s his duty to provide, especially for the women in his life, so that’s what he does. He believes himself not worthy of a conventional life, of full-time parenting, of being someone’s actual partner… so he is none of these things. Society has formed him. His life circumstances have formed him. Culture, machismo, pressure, emotional immaturity… All these things have formed his deep loneliness, and his resentment of Beth for not having to pay the same price for being who she is.

I think he would be a terrible serious romantic partner unless he was partner to someone who understood and accepted his limitations. And idk who in their right mind would. He wants to come and go all hours of the day and night, put himself and, by extension, his family in danger, tune into his parenting duties when he has time and when it’s fun and when it’s convenient, and he would want no questioning about any of it because he’s “the provider” and “has no choice” and “who do you thinks pays the bills around here…” He’s very intense and very charming and charismatic. He’s even empathetic. But most of all, he’s selfish. If he wanted to, he would. He would not be lonely. He would not be Legoland Dad. He would have an apartment where his son has an actual dedicated room. He would not just disappear from his son’s life sometimes and leave his co-parent to pick up the pieces. He would hold himself accountable to his conventional responsibilities, and he would support people in more ways than just superficial or financial while expecting their full emotional commitment to his interests. He isn’t afraid of intimacy or of being dependent on others. He expects that others will pick up his slack and give him endless excuses and passes because they owe it to him. He’s lonely at the top because he chose “the top” over everyone who’s ever cared about him. He wasn’t emotionally incapable, he just didn’t want to. Or… didn’t see himself as worthy of that kind of life. And while he resents it sometimes, and thinks it isn’t fair that Beth gets passes in life that he doesn’t, he is a grown man who’s made his choices. People don’t change. He wants to be alone because he’s too selfish to not be.

[lizardinkart]

Lizard Reads Ward

Arc 1: Daybreak

Lizard’s Cry Counter: 2

TL;DR: A Victoria-focused arc that dragged a bit in places but ultimately felt like everything we needed to know about her (and more). I wished it’d started closer to the fight but having the fight, the trauma, and the family drama laid out felt like the groundwork that was missing from the prologue, especially with the shifted role of Amy. Wish that we had a little more about the other characters introduced in the prologue tho. 8/10 Aight! Let’s get wormin’!

So in my brain I’ve split the arc in to 3 parts, pre-fight, fight, and post-fight, so I’ll talk about the arc in terms of those mini-arcs. Mini-Arc 1: Pre-Fight (Victoria, not Glory Girl)

Ok the fact that the city is Gold colored is hilarious to me. This is Children’s Hospital Red™ levels of awful design choices, somebody really just said color theory in context is fake. I also appreciate the later indications that most of The City is in fact shittily built but hey shitty shelter is better than no shelter I guess (also relatable as someone looking at apartments). Other worldbuilding things I was thinking about since Wildbow really wants us to see the cool world he built (but it’s not really about the world tbh)- the technology of post-GM is so weird. Like you have dial-up internet but it also works perfectly fine and technology works when you need it to. Like I’m sorry but Reddit-AOL would be so much buggier. But all that being said, it’s really funny to see the irl jump in technology from when WB was writing Worm to when he was writing Ward, because Taylor’s flip phone vs smartphone drama was so real and relatable, and now dial-up internet just works on smartphones...I’m baffled. anywho! Onto Victoria lol. So Victoria is working with the new kiddie PRT- awesome, very cool. I appreciate the focus on her wanting to still feel heroic even if she gets that massive body dysmorphic/dysphoric (yes, both) feeling from actually using her powers. Though I also appreciate the small touches we see when she’s on her way to work with a much better mirror scene than the opening of Worm, her interactions with the one hero during the obelisk incident show that she still gets heroes and feels bad for the shit being thrown their way (idk, it gave me big closeted queer energy, queer-to-queer communication in a queerphobic environment one might say). “Nice response time” really is the dorkiest shit to say tho and I appreciate it. Victoria is a dork.  I also appreciate the setup with her parents, laying the groundwork for what’s to come later. Also that she enjoys working with the disillusioned and directionless kids/teens, cause that really is a thing that is the kind of selfless-selfish pull that I think Victoria is shown to be struggling with (finding the balance in the healing process is difficult!). While I felt like this part really did drag the most in the arc, I think there were some really good parts that make it worth it. And it leads into the first Wildbow fight of the story! Woohoo!  Mini Arc 2: The Fight (The Trauma Hammer)

Oh boy I do love me some Wildbow fights. I felt my little storyboarder brain light up because there were some God-tier moments in here that I wanted to draw sooooo bad. But alas, too many, not enough time. 

Crystalclear is cool as hell and I think he may be one of my faves of the new powers so far, he’s a very Wildbow-concept hero and I do really appreciate the man’s flare for the complex and flashy. Tempera is also cool, and Fume Hood is a snarky bitch and I love her. What a queen. She did not deserve to get shot (maybe a little tho).  

But overall there was some great tension in the ticking clock leading up to the fight, and seeing how shit played out was super fun as always, I was not expecting the 18-wheeler to come out of nowhere but it was a very fun time. I gotta say tho, I know Lord of Loss and Snag are important, but I for the life of me could not keep them straight in my brain since Snag made Victoria feel Loss, but like, that’s LoL’s name lmao. 

And on the topic of loss: oof. I did not call this the Trauma Hammer for nothing lol. This is where things went from meh to great for me in this arc, because since Victoria’s story was so ancillary to Worm, I had 1) forgotten how she triggered, and 2) didn’t really remember too much about the specifics of her story outside of the hospital interlude. But god, just sitting in her shoes through falling in love with Dean, losing him, losing her family, feeling inadequate to the rest of her family, and the ever-present looming threat of Her (that we will get to, don’t worry lol), it was just so helpful in really honing in on Victoria’s entire ish that is rattling around in the background. As someone who does characters like this, esp in TTRPGs, having that context of someone’s thought process really is helpful to have in understanding how you’re supposed to interpret the character, even if you’re already in their head (since characters and people lie to themselves, see: Taylor). But yeah, since Victoria avoids those thoughts anyway, it was clever to give them to us up front. And the fact that it happened while she was being a hero again? Kickass. Loved it. 

Mini Arc 3: Post- Fight (Her)

Oh my god this family is messy. I have essays I could write on Carol Dallon and just the Dallons in general but I think I’ll get the chance to eventually cause this is already too long lol. But oh my GOD I truly was thinking “yeah this is gonna go poorly, maybe some passive-aggressive family stuff, getting overwhelmed, getting pie and then leaving”, but holy SHIT the fact that Carol really just ambushed Victoria with lawyer speak and finessed the entire narrative of what was going on- jesus. Manipulative ass snake, but in such a relatable way. 

Once again, have been in that situation before and the way that Victoria goes from like a 2 to 1000 in 0.2 seconds when all the pieces come together- holy shit if that is not the exact feeling of trauma. I know the “#triggered” discourse is old hat at this point, but man I could feel myself get short of breath and panicky when Vicky got trauma triggered in this chapter (this is the spiritual Cry Point). It was so convincingly written that I wanna hold Wildbow in my hands to make sure he’s good.

But I’m proud of how Victoria handled herself, definitely snaps for that therapy working its magic, but man. The Amy Ambush (an Am(y)bush if you will, yes haha joke away), was so something I did not see coming this early, but I’m glad that it did because holy fuck. Victoria talking about moving on and then her family (mom) “moving on” but in a “forgive with an emphasis on forget” kinda way really does leave Victoria in a place that proves all that feeling of inadequacy right, and it’s crushing. But it provides that big stumbling block for her to overcome esp when she finds her new group. 

And seeing how many times she was forced to confront her worst moments and she still actively avoided Amy... oh baby. As an Amy Enjoyer (less “condoning her actions” more “study her like a bug”) I am highly intrigued in how this is gonna go. This is 7 levels of Fucked Up. 

I screamed with joy when Dr. Yamada showed up, I am in love with her and think she is wonderful, and also a great addition to the central cast of this story (esp in a story about healing from trauma? YES get the therapist in there). Also Crystal is wonderful and a good ally for Victoria, and I appreciate Victoria’s need to scrutinize both public and private Aesthetic (shoutout to me and Crystal vibing as 2 fun ADHD individuals). 

Also a shoutout for Gilpatrick because he’s cool and funky and a good boss. Get u someone like Gilpatrick. 

Bonus: The Interlude!

I would give my left kidney for Moose. I’m kicking Prancer’s ass, and I hope Velvet keeps her truck forever and ever. A better love story than her and Prancer tbfh. Also Nursery is so cool guys, she’s so neat. I love the weird shit being done with powers so far in Ward. 

AND A MARQUIS CAMEO HELLO???? HUSBAND?????? Sorry I really like Marquis lol. 

Final Thoughts

The only things I would criticize this arc for that lowered it a bit in my eyes is that the prologue really didn’t do a fantastic job of prepping us to only focus on Victoria. I wished we had sped things along a bit with getting to the others from PHO, even with little PHO interludes interspersed in to let us know what these guys were up to. Bc like, this really did feel like 3 arcs so I feel like we could have used another interlude or 2, just for spice and to break things up a little. Like a commercial break!

The other thing is Wildbow’s uh... underlying ish breaking through. I know Ward was written in the shadow of Worm for him, but there are some parts of these chapters that just feel very mean-spirited and pointed towards people who enjoyed certain parts of Worm. Mainly stuff that could be construed as “fandom” things, or things that fandom would like, that Wildbow seems to be very overt in saying “hey, fuck you for liking/engaging with this.” I dunno, it may just be me, but that kinda attitude cropping up often enough for me to notice the pissed-off hand of the author was off-putting and distracting from I think the greatest parts of this arc. Because it is a good story, it just feels like the occasional potshots WB takes are more coming from his own bitterness than Victoria’s, and are ultimately detrimental to the story as a whole. Idk, I will try not to bring it up so often, but it’s definitely something that’s running in the back of my head and I hope that it subsides soon-ish. 

But all of that to say, I enjoyed the arc! It was a solid opening that’s got me really excited to read more (which by this point, I have, and I will be writing up my arc 2 thoughts shortly lol), and the Trauma Hammer really hit home in a way that felt earnest and really earned. 

That’s all for now tho! As always, I’m happy to discuss stuff wherever, so let me know what you thought of the arc if you’ve read Ward! 

Until next time: Ward out ✨

[shae-la-hyene]

I think in the end I just did not vibe with the characters in Sandman, especially their genders.

(no offense meant if you read this Neil, I'm sure the comics are great)

Like. Desire. I hated their guts from the beginning and it only got worse so for me they were just 'asshole' and idk. The character had no depth, no likeable trait.

Casting Lucifer with a female actress could have worked, but the way they did it in Sandman peg me all wrong. Again, character was a parody of a real character, I wasn't able to connect with them at all, and the aesthetic was all wrong and too choppy. This is not a casting choice that I approve.

I liked Calliope, but that's mostly because I didn't have any expectations beforehand. She doesn't feel shallow and simplistic, she feels like someone I'd like to know better, and her abuse makes me connect with her.

I did love Morpheus but I hated the way everyone interacted with him.

He's kinda in the same category as Five Hargreeves and Alec Lightwood ? Follows the rules of something big and important, maintains order and cohesion of something very very important. But since he refuses to sacrifice something so fucking crucial for everybody's selfish af demands, he's considered selfish and 'only cares about your dreamland'

Like. We are shown from the first episode how super important his work and his realm are to the universe, there were heavy consequences when he wasn't there to do it. But he's considered an asshole for getting upset when people keep trying to jeopardize it for their selfish wishes.

This is so weird.

He's supposedly close with Death and she loves him, but even if he was captured and trapped in her stead, she never bothered to come get him out. Since he doesn't have great relationship with the others, I kinda expected it of them, but Death left him decaying, prisoner and miserable for more than a century, to rot, because of her in a way.

And yet the main plot is him having a redemption arc and learning to be more compassionate ?

The man literally sees people through their dreams and canonically percieves them through those dreams and their wishes and aspirations, sees the best in them.

And he's supposed to be seen as cold and heartless ? The guy has been severely abused for more than a century and it's effect hasn't been acknowledged at all !

So the whole show being rude to my fave character was a bad start, and then those mockeries of genders really pissed me off.

In Good Omens, it was more genuine and natural. It wasn't flaunted for shock value and lgbt+ white paw.

Zira was genuinely too oblivious to really have a gender, and Crowley simply decided to ignore the binary of it because it just wasn't good enough for him. Their enby nature was clearly there, not a mockery even when Crowley dressed as a victorian nanny in a ridiculous con. The comedic effect was choosing the stereotype of the victorian nanny, not Crowley being 'she' then.

Characters weren't deep enough to actually be likeable in an organic way, more like cameos in quick succession so they'd all be there but without actually being more than a stereotype.

[dumblemonchickenwing]

.

reason why I dont trust the “i lift others up but nobody lifts me up” mentality anymore is part because it is kind of a nice guy ( tm) mentality.  

Before i get flamed just hear me out. This is not what i mean. What I mean is.. how do I explain it. Helping others but having hard time helping yourself and feeling upset that others wont do what you have done for them is a valid feeling. In fact one’s struggle such as this is very valid. But what I mean is.. the mentality that “I will do things for others so that others would do for me”. And that is kind of the problem. Now again, I get it that people struggle and they dont actually flat out want that, but they could wish for it subconsciously without truly acknowledging it. Some may, idk, build that idea (”I only look out for others and i do it for others beacuse thats who i am”) in their head because they are afraid of [appearing] selfish [so much] (or were abused to believe thinking any good for themselves is bad) they want to turn a blind eye to any wish they have for themselves to the point they want to appear only as a savior who doesnt think about themselves and kind of lie to themselves about their deep desires, by turning their wish to be helped into “I want to help others” idea.

If you helped others because you want to and because it makes you happy, then.. when you are struggling Why is the first feeling that is the source of your negative emotions - is the thought that the people you helped didnt go to same lengths for you? Maybe that means you dont [just] help because you enjoy it.

being upset that you spent all energy on others and when you need someone you dont get anything is valid and its a big struggle. But .. on the other hand, what about the people [you] helped? 

help itself is an act of [aiding] someone [in need]. Helping literally means helping someone who is [struggling], who [cant] defend themselves. Some people literally [use] help and make themselves happier and comfortable true. But some people get help because they have no hope left. Some people get help because they cant get out. Because they suffer from unfairness and mistreatment and got the worst from life, or because they are not abled enough to get the bare minimum. 

And then , You come in because helping others is your thing. And you give those people the bare minimum they need because you Love Helping others. They didnt ask for you specifically, they didnt complain, it was entirely Your choice to help because you said you love doing it.

And they are thankful because you showed them kindness.

But then you feel upset and claim they used you.

=

Imagine though. You are disabled, you have been struggling, you cant really do much because your life is.. greatly limited. And then someone appears and does something to you - their act of kindness. You battled your illness or disbility your entire life and you will keep doing it, and one random gesture of kindness was like a small drop compared of the ocean of issues you have, but it was very kind of them anyway and you are thankful anyway.

..and then, that person says You are a monster, you dont care, you make them suffer because You didnt do same for them. They claimed they did So much for you.

You feel your soul crack because you never asked them to come into your life in first place, it was Them. They said they did it bc they wanted to. You cant move, you cant do things because you are disabled or because you have an illness that prevents you from doing things you always wished you could do but cant do. And that someone blames You for not doing things in return for them. They decided for you who you are and said that you didnt care about them, and more lies about you. They blamed their suffering on you: A person (you) whose disability or struggle was something out of Your control. 

That person wasnt even there for the most part of your suffering and pain, the lifetime you spent alone battling your illnesses, traumas, crises, but they did One thing and claimed ALL credit for it, and got mad you did nothing in return.

__

The person wants to help others because of their trauma and issues. be it not feeling good enough, or not wanting others to go throug what they have. No matter the intention, thats still unhealthy. But person says “I cant do any other way, because loving myself is hard!” or “Its easier said than done” and yes. I agree its hard. But it doesnt negate the fact that your willingness to throw yourself into fire “for others” (when in reality it is not for others but bc you avoid harder path) will make you even more bitter and will make your life harder. What’s the difference in terms of suffering anyway: enjoying self-satisfaction in helping others too much and ending up struggling alone, or hating yourself for having to work on yourself when you dont want to love yourself and over time getting help you needed? Different paths, same amount of struggle. Except the former is just more enticing and.. easier.

I hate it how popular it is to excuse people who actively choose to do “easier” path because they have trauma and struggle. How much is it excused to use others to clear one’s name and blame others later on. How okay it is to disregard a person’s feelings - the one one uses to feed into their savior complex.

Helping someone who was hurting and in such pain just to later on insult them and what they went through just because you go through hard time, using their struggle as your sob story and making the person feel like they were nothing, or worse, a monster for being in need for help.

...

Its not really a vent or personal story. But it is something scratching on my chest. Im not saying all people who help others are bad. There are people who dont do that when they help others. There are people pleasers who dont do that stuff. What Im saying is, there are some people who are that way. Who say and think they are helping and who say all sorts of stuff. But they use others, act entitled, and dont look into what others need or go through. Those people just “help others” because they just want to.. idk. Do good i guess. But they dont have regard for anyone they ‘help’ or dont do their homework and dont look into what others need, and also treat people like cardboard, only look ing at their own feeling. Demonize others. 

..and if you care about them and want them happy, they get angry at you and say hurtful stuff, make up lies that you dont care or “dont actually help” them when you simply cant.  They insist you are a ..thing. that doesnt care or wants them happy, but when you say you want them happy and loved, they yell at you to shut up. They want to help people but treat them like ‘cowardly’ ‘shallow’ ‘evil’ ‘ forgetful’ and themselves as above them. They decide everything for you and dont let you do much and then blame you for not being enough.

[eviiiiiiii]

Sorry for this anon, but I was on twt (my first mistake) and I saw your madoka magica LSSMP so I have words for you cuz that anime has been a fixation of mine for around 9 years (doing my yearly rewatch next month 🔥🔥🔥)

SO I think your choice of making Ash the role of Homura is incredibly interesting, taking into account the fact that the whole Madokami thing is her fault due to resetting timelines so much that Madoka became the center of the universe (since whenever she died, Homura reset everything) kinda interesting choice because Madoka in the first few loops took a stance to protect Homura but after the first i think 5(?) Homura started to treat her as if made of glass and did her best to keep her out of danger (becoming a magical girl) no matter the cost, even if Madoka ended up hating her...

I haven't watched enough Reddoon's stuff to have a strong opinion on him, but ik Swagdoons is a popular ship? Interesting due to the fact that cuz of the first few loops we can tell Madoka is incredibly capable of handling herself, but most of her deaths seem to be due to sacrificing herself to keep a teammate safe...

Kyoko for Bacon is very... surprising honestly, I would have honestly expected Mappic because a central thing during (what I remember) her arc is her impulsiveness, trying to work solo because of her wish ending badly and just generally acting both rude and stubborn to hide a softer interior... that plus while Kyoko is pretty smart, she does punch before asking questions so I think Bacon, who imo feels more like he'd think before punching, is certainly a choice

Sayaka being Planet is something I can't really say much about (don't really watch planet my b) but I do think she'd maybe fit someone else more? Mostly because the whole central part of the arc (once again from memory) is Sayaka having a thing with playing the hero, to the point her wish was made in order to save Kyosuke (random white boy she had a crush on) and it was done in a moment to save Madoka.... that and the whole being so quick to act that she can come off as a ignorant of the situation?

Then there is Zam as Mami, this is legit the whole reason I looked for your tumblr. I have very mixed feelings on this once since I very much hate Mami's character (undercooked imo) but Zam is my favorite little guy and him in Mami's fit would slap. This whole thing is very season dependent because Mami is a bit of a messy character, since on the surface she comes off as a caring older figure but she's under the pressure of being the only magical girl in this city for who knows for how long, which does kinda feed into her accidentally(?) manipulating others into joining in order to lessen her own responsibilities. She's a bit selfish (fair cuz she's like what? 15? 16?) and puts herself before others... which is kind of oposite to Zam, basically I don't think Mami could have grinded 200 armor sets but I do think Zam would have gotten decapitated by being too cocky

Spoke as Bebe is gold tho, he does look like someone that would waste his wish on cheese. 👍

yjes i agrre with everytihhing stated... prtenf thered like a more formal reply but Yea. i ddidnt think ab like how the actual characters and dynamics would fit in a lot but ab like princezam being mami i think i chose that cuz both of them hqve like?? not being able to properly sustain a team ibthink.. idk but Yea. btw anon u seem smart and shit wjo do youthink would be kyubey cause u seem Smart. Ithink mapicc Would fit kyoko well but also I'll be completely honest i js thought bacon would look cool as kyoko😭😭plj3ase yap about This more and who you wlould think fit the characters and stuff . this is Very interesting im jsut Bad at expressijg thwt

[margathecreatughhh]

It’s.. it’s been a long time since i wrote something on here.

2022, well, it was different. But im gonna walk you through it - put you on the loop.

I spent january this year chasing my then-boyfriend. Don’t know who it is? Of course not, but you believe me if i told you. It’s the dude i liked my entire junior high. Thats right. I dated my crush. Shit was way different than i had imagined - but its done. Anyways, he often hurt my feelings bc he was a very tactless person. He was ugly too. The cum face was unbearable. Sorry to that man. I ended up leaving him, only realizing i wanted him back. I chased after him for some reason. Spent the last of my money on his expensive ass medicine. Went around looking for a specific kind of drink he wanted. Did all that only for him to tell me “what’s not clicking?” Like the fucking asshole he is. That was when i realized i didnt want to do anything with him. I wanted him gone from my life. And he is gone, finally.

Then the next few months happened. I got assaulted twice in the same year. The first time, i realized it only after a few months. I had hooked up with my senior high school crush then. I told my friend dexter about it and he said “why are you so grossed out by xx but you’re so happy about yy”. Then i realized why i slipped into a lot of self-loathing of xx. Its because i didnt consent to it. I didnt want it. I didnt enjoy it. It was fucking traumatizing. I fucking hate every moment that memory crosses my mind. I wish i never had to go through it. The second time it was also with a friend who i trusted naively. Idk why the fuck i decided to go with him. It was the wrong fucking choice. I only realized it wasn’t okay when i drunkenly called my ex-bestie about it, and he told me it wasn’t okay. The trauma for this one was so bad because every time a room would be completely dark, i’d be scared shitless and i’d teleport back into that fucking bedroom. I fucking hate it so much. I don’t know why i had let that night happen.

Despite it all, i was able to date someone. We lived in together, he let me drive his car, i bought him an expensive ass wallet, a lot. Shit ended ugly tho. He ended up man handling me. We would often get into screaming matches.

I hate myself when im angry. When i have to raise my voice in certain situations. I really fucking hate it. To realize that he brought out that version of me makes me fucking sick. Makes me hate the person i allowed myself to become just because of him.

Dont get me wrong. I didnt want a relationship. I wasnt ready for a relationship. Which made me wonder, why the fuck did i ever force anything to develop between the two of us? Even when i got an ick on the first date? If i could turn back time, i honestly would. Because fuck that situationship for real. Makes me so fucking upset he brought out the worst in me. Making me feel all fucking worthless. Like im always the bad guy. He stole my friends from me too. What kind of fucking person does that? He’s so fucking greedy. He doesn’t give a fuck that my friends no longer hang out with me as long as he gets to hang out with them.

I fucking hate the fact i ever dated him. It was the worst fucking emotional and mental turmoil i ever had to fucking go through. Beat my relationship with gg on a whole mile. Yawa jd kaayo gyud. Ngano man kong nipatol adto niya?

The amount of emotional labour i had to do. Even when he knew my mental state. He’s such a selfish fucking person emotionally. He’s so fucking greedy in the name of “love”. Like what the fuck kind of person makes u feel guilty about leaving them? About wanting some time for yourself? What a stupid fucking situationship. He accuses me of not knowing him when he has this narrative of me being the worst fucking person. Fuck that man for real. I wish all my exes bad luck. I dont care. I know I’ll get guilty once the karma hits them - but shit doesnt happen just because karma wants to. Shit happens to people because they deserve it. The universe thinks they deserve it so its gonna hand it to them.

If im getting my karma. Thats fine. Im the type of person who knows i dont make a lot of great decisions so if karma goes my way, ill let it happen as it should.

I dont know how im gonna move forward from all of this. Ive been feeling so fucking lonely ever since he fucking stole my friends from me. I dont know what to fucking do but i hope i bounce back better when i get back to duma.

I wanna stay optimistic. I wanna have something to look forward to. And yet all ive done since the break up is be so self destructive. I kissed pp, and have him reject me weeks later. Then i hooked up with bb and nn. Then i had kk pick me up and we made out for a bit. He confessed on new year’s but idk i really dont want to deal with anything. I didnt want to do anything with nn because i didnt like his build, his personality is too fucking kind its actually the fucking worst 😭 made me reminiscent of the dude i dated this year. Its always the fucking nice guys who give the most emotional labor so im avoiding nice guys. Or guys in general.

Im in a man-hater phase rn. Fucking pp is crushing on a girl who tried to set me up with him. Yawa. Worst fucking feeling ever. Yawa jd kaayo. It made me see how much of a fucking asshole he is. And i dont wanna deal with him na jd because of how awful he is. Yawa. Pero i might give him cookies still when i get back? Im not sure. I probably will.

I dont know. Im just not bothered to entertain anyone but i am still talking to bb for some fucking reason. It’s probably gonna die out soon. Or probably not. Being with him is fun. But i hope it wont cross to the relationship level. Ill probably just decrease the amount of texting we do. Shits too risky. 2022/3 marga would know why. Hahahahahaha. If something bad happens out of this, you know im gonna either edit this post or make a separate post.

I still dont fucking know if 2023 is gonna be good. Its just making me anxious. Im writing this long ass post knowing i havent finished my plates yet. I havent done anything remotely productive. I dont know why im so fucking depressed. And normally, when i write, i feel a bit better. But only my mood changed. Im not as fucking depressed as i was a few minutes ago but my fucking soul still feels like it has weights on it. Shits so fucking heavy.

I think im still not over the fact that i had to go through months of whatever he put me through shit was so fucking tiring. I did not have to go through that. I did not have to go through every single thing he put me through during and after the relationship. I think my biggest takeaway from all of this is the fact i can feel And see the change that happened in me and it wasnt for the better. I lost so much of my light and life because of him. This is the only relationship i could ever completely say i wish i got back the person i was before him. Yawa jd kaayo. Ambot makalagot nga ing ani na akong state karon. Unta mabalik akong gana sa tanan. Kay sa tinuod lang, nawala gyud. Maka disappoint jd kaayo ang outcome bwiset.

Yawa huhuhuhuhu unta madayon akong mga gi look forward sa 2023.

1. New hair color and hair cut

2. Motor pls

3. cookies for all my friends

4. Mental stability

5. Reclaiming my old self

I really just want to bring the person i was before him. I just want peace. I just want to feel better. I just want to be productive again. I just want to be better.

Ive been rambling for the past few paragraphs as u can see but im just typing as much as i can until i finally lose the dreadful feeling weighing down on me because honestly i still feel like shit. Yawa huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu

I wanna buy a new vape but i think that also contributes to why i feel like shit so i might quit. Im gonna try hard and quit this year because my nicotine addiction is unexpected and unwelcome and i want to be better about it. So i might actually stop vaping. Please God make me stop vaping 😭

Im also so fucking upset because i looked forward to writing something on tumblr hoping it would make me feel better but the dread isnt going away. I want to feel better but i really cant im so fucking sad and upset and i hope its just the estrogen jud but like this has been going on for months and i honestly just need to meditate and be more accepting of my fate and have to look forward to things because theres so much to unfold for 2023 and i really really really hope my looking forward doesnt go in vain. I love you world. Please dont let me down.

[miekasa]

Low key i would absolutely love an aot/atla fanfic crossover. Random crossovers are my guilty pleasure maybe i’ll write it for myself😩🤚🏼

I also headcanon eren as a firebender, i think Hange would def be either an airbender or a nonbender. Erwin would be an earthbender :)

Okay okay I have thoughts. I’d love an aot/atla fic if somebody wants to write it…. I have $4 ready for you 😭😭

Eren is a firebender, something like Zuko in his progression. Definitely had a phase where he “loses” his bending and has to find a new source that isn’t pure anger/vengeance; probably after accidentally burning one of his friends/his mom. Also think that like Zuko, he never learns to bend lightning, only redirects it from people attacking him. It frustrates him to learn it at first, but once he does and feels it go through him, he decides that he never wants to use it himself.

Mikasa…. can go so many ways in my head omg. Firebender suits her, like Azula in her technique, blue fire and all; and she’s not just skilled as a bender, but in hand to hand combat, too. She’s smart above all, so even when she can’t bend, she’s not down for the count. She’d be able to bend lightning, too, but would only do it when absolutely necessary. BUT BUT!! Can also see her being a waterbender and there are definitely similarities between her and Katara (last of her kind, won’t turn her back on people who need her, incredibly skilled for her age); not as naive (?) as Katara could be sometimes, but there are comparisons for sure. Don’t know if I can see her as a healer, tho she’d wish she’d be able to. For sure would be a blood bender; but like with lightning, she’d only do it when heavily threatened.

Armin would honestly be a non-bender, but if he had an element it would be air. Water is an obvious choice, but I think he can still have the infatuation, and respect for water and benders, without being one himself. Honestly, he’d probably have spent so much time around water and felt such a pull from it that everyone thought he’d be a waterbender; as a kid his parents/grandparents probably tried to get him to bend water (and he’d happily try), and it wasn’t until a fit of frustration that he realized he’s an air bender instead. Plus there’s the pacifist nature of airbenders, and the way that airbending is more defensive than offensive; but also airbenders bear this cruel kind of pressure in controlling an element that’s so essential. Fits him idk.

Jean is a waterbender and if you’ve seen tlok, then I think his fighting style would mimic Korra’s; people often note that she fights like a firebender even tho she was born a water bender, and used it way more frequently than Aang. His hand to hand combat would also be similar to her, tho his attitude would be slightly more mellow. He’d also be a healer, but it’s something he keeps under wraps for a while; it’s not until one of his friends is seriously injured that people find out. He feels a kind of pressure when he’s healing people, and it’d hurt him a lot if he weren’t able to save someone.

If Sasha had an element, it would be air or water, but I see her more as the Ty Lee kind of type. She looks super sweet and it’s easy to overlook her, but she’s insanely precise and skilled (she did save someone running on a vertical wall once). Definitely blocks Jean/Eren’s chi when they start getting into it with eachother to save everyone the headache. Also walks on her hands sometimes just because she can.

Connie is another toss up… I’m serious about him not being a waterbender that would be so chaotic pls 😭😭 wanna say air. He’s seen as goofy and kind of a free spirit, but he’s very connected to his friends. Aang not wanting to give up Katara to unlock the avatar state kinda reminds me of Connie hugging Jean and Sasha when they get back on the airship after Marley; he knows it’s selfish, but he’s happy his friends are safe. He has moments of rage and hates to be betrayed, but overall he’s mostly calm and open to hearing other people out. Plus he’d 100% be in an airball like Aang whenever he could be. But if he weren’t a bender, he should 100% have a boomerang. It’s perfect for him.

Levi is a firebender there’s no doubt in my mind. The only other potential option is an earthbender because I think he’d be the one to figure out metal bending under pressure, but I still like fire more for him. He understands that fire isn’t just destruction, that it’s warm and energy; and that’s why he doesn’t need to exert much power in his firebending. If he were to hold a flame in his hand it wouldn’t feel threatening, despite it being fire it wouldn’t even feel “too hot” to touch; it’d be warm, comforting, like you could put your hands immediately to it and not get burned. He’s aggressive when need be, but he doesn’t let his emotions cloud his bending, because that’s when he’d hurt someone he cares about. Can bend lightning but honestly if Levi is lightning bending, you’re as good as dead 💀💀

Okay, okay… I hear your Hange non-bender argument and I raise you Hange as an earthbender who is primarily a metal bender. Suit of metal that they bend on and off their body, definitely carries the metal whip around… do you see the vision. They sometimes forget they can actually bend earth and get frustrated, stomp too hard to flail their hands a little too roughly and everyone loses their balance as the floor shakes and Hange just “O.O…. oopsies!”

Honestly…. I think Erwin would be a non-bender. Sokka essentially mastered the non-bending fighting types of each nation, and that’s something I see for Erwin. Leans towards a sword, and kinda wanna say two swords would suit him better. Maybe it’s the aot influence, but that works for him in my head. I also think Zeke might be a non-bender.

Porco is an earthbender, no doubt in my mind. Dare I say a lavabender, tho I kinda wanna give that to Reiner. Maybe both of them? Reiner built like a brick wall, so earth isn’t that far off… don’t know if he’d completely master a sub element, but lavabending is a possibility for him.

Annie is an earthbender, too. You know how Kiyoshi had the fans and was an earthbender and murked that one general then came back as a ghost to say she didn’t regret it? Anniecore <33 she doesn’t really master any sub elements completely, but she doesn’t have to; her earth bending is as solid as it possibly can be. Under pressure, I’m sure she’d be able to adapt to metal bending, but she doesn’t prefer it.

Pieck would be an airbender!! Agile, quick-thinking, and adapts to whatever situation shes put in. Gets a kick out of blowing air into peoples faces, and how are they gonna prove it’s her? Exactly, they can’t. Lastly, I’d give water to Bertolt. The ability to both be calm and insanely destructive. Might be a healer, too, but could just be a regular bender.

[ifmywishescametrue]

i don't know if you're still taking prompts (so please ignore this if you aren't) but i cant stop thinking about your recent buckytony fic (and how much i love breaking up and making up as a trope) - so i was wondering if you'd be up for doing smth else w that trope for buckytony?? maybe they re-unite at a mutual friend's wedding?? and it brings up emotions about their almost wedding?? idk i just really love breaking up and making up as a trope and i really love your writing :))

thank you!! I'm very much up for doing another buckytony break up/make up, plus you deserve nice things for finishing law school - congrats on that!🎉🎉hope you like this one 😊

There's a ring on Bucky's finger.

It's the first thing Tony notices when he walks into the bar for Natasha and Sharon's joint bachelorette party. He stands there in the doorway, frozen and staring until someone clears their throat pointedly behind him, and he mumbles an apology as he moves out of the way.

He thinks about turning around and not coming back, just ditching the event entirely and maybe even the wedding tomorrow, but he tosses the ridiculous thought the second it comes. He promised Sharon when she asked him to be her man of honor that he could handle Bucky being Nat's. Living on the other side of the country afforded him to miss the rest of the events and planning along the way, and he could deal with one day of being cordial to his ex, even if the day comes with walking down an aisle together.

But now there's a ring on Bucky's finger.

The silver catches the light, and it's on prominent display with his left hand wrapped around a beer bottle. It shouldn't be possible for him to have moved on that quickly. Eight months shouldn't be long enough to bury three years of memories. Three years of hopes and dreams and plans for a future built together. Years of love so blindingly intense that it burrowed into Tony's soul to make a home and refused to be evicted just because it was supposed to be over.

Tony wonders what the timeline is. Did he find someone new while Tony was still just beginning to pick up his own scattered pieces? A first date for him while Tony was barely getting out of bed. When was it that he replaced Tony as the last person to have his heart? And how did he find forever in someone else so soon after losing the one he used to call his soulmate?

Natasha notices him first, still hovering near the entrance, and she raises a single eyebrow that calls him a coward. He rolls his eyes at the accusation, though it's accurate. She elbows Sharon to catch her attention, and before he knows it the entire small group is turning their heads his way, giving him no choice but to join them.

It's less bachelorette party and more pre-wedding celebration with the crowd they've gathered, all mutual friends of both brides with no regards for gender traditions that usually come with this night. Tony used to fit in well with them all, back when gatherings like this were just a typical Friday night. But he made himself an outsider between the move to California and the breakup with Bucky. All he has now with most of them is a dead group chat that hasn't been used in months. He wonders which one of them made the new one without him in it.

Sharon is the first to pull him into a hug, then Natasha follows suit. He gets a nod from Sam, a wave from Clint, and what might pass as a smile from Steve. Bucky stares so intensely that Tony can feel his eyes with his back turned, but when Tony looks his way, he pretends to be interested in the floor.

He had a plan before the ring threw him off. Step one should have been the entrance. Head held high, shoulders square, perfect outfit that shows everything off and compliments the Malibu tan he has now. Step two should be nonchalance. A light hearted greeting to everyone, accompanied by an easy grin and relaxed body language, and catching up with subtle brags slipped in. Show them all that he's doing better than he ever was, sitting on top of the world these days, even if most of the time it feels like he's barely above rock bottom.

Step three in his ideal scenario involved Bucky breaking down and begging to get him back. Some versions even had him on his knees for it, with tears running down his face. Others required it to be raining outside, and the cloudless sky ruined that before the ring on Bucky's finger did.

With steps one and three out the window, he tries to salvage step two.

“Hey,” Tony starts, a little too loud. He swallows the lump in his throat and tries again, “Hey, Bucky. It's good to see you.”

Bucky nods, a strained, jerky motion. “Yeah, you too. How, uh, how have you been?”

“Good. Really good, actually. Company just had its highest sales quarter yet, so it’s been a little crazy around there, but good.”

“Good,” Bucky repeats, and there’s a long awkward pause.

“And what about you?” Tony asks, and then because he can’t help himself, he adds, “I see you got engaged. Or, hell, I guess it could be married, even.”

Bucky freezes with parted lips and wide eyes for the briefest of moments, like he wasn’t expecting Tony to know about it or bring it up, and his eyes shift to the ring on his hand and stay there.

“Yeah,” he says slowly. “Engaged. Last week.”

Tony ignores the ache in his chest and plasters on a smile like he’s happy for him. “Congratulations. Who’s the lucky guy?”

“Oh, you wouldn’t know him. Steve introduced us. They work together.”

“So he’s at the museum then? I thought you used to say that you hated all those stuffy guys and Steve was the only one worth knowing.”

Bucky smiles, a fond thing that widens the crack in Tony’s heart. “Yeah, well, I guess I was wrong. Felix is a great guy.”

Tony resists the urge to roll his eyes. Stupid name that probably matches a stupid, punchable face.

Some masochist thing pulls at him to make him keep digging for more information, a twisted need to know even as each word pushes the knife in deeper. He aims for casual, leaning back against one of the high top tables as he asks, “So how long have you been together?”

“Just a couple of months. Kind of fast, I know, but when you’re sure about something, it doesn’t really matter, right? Why waste time waiting?”

“Right, of course,” Tony says, a little flatter than he intends. “So why isn’t he here tonight? Hope it wasn’t to spare my feelings, because it’s really not necessary.”

Bucky falters, “It’s not? You, uh, you’re dating someone, then?”

Tony nods, and he wishes he had grabbed a drink before this so he could hide behind it as he lies through his teeth. “Only a few weeks, though. A little too early to be a wedding date, but I’m sure your guy will be there tomorrow right?”

“Oh, um, yeah, definitely. Why wouldn’t he be, right? There’s no reason I can think of,” Bucky says, stumbling around it. “But tell me more about your thing. Your person. How’s that going?”

Tony shrugs, and he finally pulls off that easy smile he’s been trying for. “Well, it’s not get engaged in a couple of months good, but it’s been really great. We’re taking it slow. Trying not to rush anything and just get to know each other first. I think it could really be something, though.”

“That’s good,” Bucky mumbles. “You deserve something good.”

He isn’t meeting Tony’s eyes anymore, almost like he’s upset that Tony moved on, and the vindictive part of Tony wants to be happy about it, but another part wants to be angry because it isn’t fair. It’s not fair to act like Tony should stay stuck in time, forever longing for him when he already moved on with someone else first. It’s hypocritical and selfish, even if Tony is lying about there being anyone else.

“Well, I’m gonna go get a drink,” Tony says, pushing down every feeling. “Should catch up with everyone else, too, while I’m at it. I’ll talk to you later.”

He heads over to the bar and isn’t surprised when Sharon joins him a moment later, right after he orders a double shot of whiskey. She puts an arm around his shoulder and asks, “Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Tony laughs, running a hand through his hair. “My ex is engaged to somebody else and apparently doing really fucking well. Meanwhile, I’m making up fake boyfriends that I’m taking it slow with, because last week I went on my first real date in eight months and cried in the bathroom in the middle of it. And then, at the end of the night, he literally told me to my face that he didn’t think a second date was a good idea. We weren’t even talking about it, Sharon. He said it unprompted when we were still ten minutes from his apartment, and I was driving.”

Sharon nods slowly as she processes the rant. “He told you he got engaged?”

“Yeah, thanks for not telling me, by the way. It was really fun to get blindsided by it.”

She ignores the complaint to ask, “What else did he tell you, exactly?”

“Oh, just the whole line about how you know when you know, and Felix is such a great guy, and all that bullshit.”

“Felix,” Sharon repeats.

Tony knocks back the rest of his drink and orders another. “Please tell me he’s not better looking than me. Tell me it’s a downgrade. Don’t lie, because I know I have to meet him tomorrow, but please give me something that will make this better.”

“Well, I can guarantee he’s not as attractive as you. But he’s a little too perfect, you know? Like how could this guy possibly be real, he’s so unbelievably perfect,” Sharon says.

“I told you to make me feel better, not worse.”

Sharon shakes her head with a smile, the arm around him tightening into an approximation of hug. “I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I don’t think they’re going to last. He’s kind of flaky, too. Always cancelling at the last minute and all that. Bet he won’t even show tomorrow.”

The amusement on her face that she’s failing to hide confuses him. He’s starting to feel bad, though, for making the night about him when it should be about her and Nat.

Resolving not to dwell on it anymore, he squeezes the hand on his shoulder and says, “Alright, enough sad drinking, and definitely enough about me. We’re celebrating you and Nat and a lifetime of sickeningly wonderful happiness for both of you.”

Sharon grins, “Hell yeah, we are.”

“Shots?”

“Is that even a question?”

_____________

He wakes up with a headache and hazy memories. Shots of tequila that turned into shots of vodka when Nat got involved, then Clint’s terrible suggestion to try a shot of every liquor they had to offer. He vaguely remembers the round of toasts and drunken impromptu speeches from everyone, locking eyes with Bucky and failing to look away on both their parts. There’s a blur of wandering hands and heated, messy kisses. A bathroom stall turned into a cab ride which turned into his hotel room. He knows what he’ll find next to him when he opens his eyes, and guilt comes in full force.

“I know you’re awake,” Bucky says, voice still rough with sleep. It used to be Tony’s favorite sound in the world. “And I know we’re both sorry about what happened, but pretending to be asleep isn’t fixing nothin’.”

Tony shifts over to his back, and if there was any question before about what happened between them, the all too familiar ache in his body would answer it. He stares up at the ceiling to avoid the acres of bare skin on display next to him.

“You should probably leave,” Tony says to the walls. “I’m sure your fiancé is wondering where you are.”

“I doubt it.”

Tony puts an arm over his eyes, partly to block out the light that makes them ache and partly to hide his face. “Just go, okay? It was a mistake, and it won’t happen again, and we don’t have to talk about it.”

“Was it a mistake?” Bucky asks. “It didn’t feel like one to me.”

He doesn’t answer, and it’s soft and broken when Bucky says his name. Too much for him to handle.

Tony pushes back the blankets and searches for Bucky’s clothes in the mess they’ve made. He finds the shirt first and throws it at him. “You’re engaged, which means it was a mistake.”

His boxers are on the back of the couch, jeans right in front of the door, and they join the pile on Bucky’s lap. “You promised the rest of your life to somebody else, and I’m pretty sure fidelity is supposed to go with that.”

He tosses a shoe in the general direction of the bed, and it hits the nightstand with a loud thud. The second shoe is still in his hand when Bucky gets up and walks over to him, taking it and letting it drop to the floor.

His eyes hold a level of intensity that Tony has spent months dreaming about, and Tony couldn’t look away or move from this spot even if he tried.

“Felix isn’t real,” Bucky says. “I made him up when you asked, because I didn’t want to tell you the truth that I haven’t moved on in the slightest. That I’m so pathetic that I’ve spent the last eight months wearing an engagement ring that I bought for a guy who doesn’t love me anymore because I don’t know how to let him go.”

Tony stops breathing. “What?”

Bucky slides the ring from his finger, holding it between them so Tony can see the inscription. Always yours. He can’t remember the last time he heard the words get spoken.

“When?” Tony asks hoarsely. “When did you get that and why didn’t you ever ask me?”

“About a year ago,” Bucky says, slipping it back on his own finger. He sits back on the edge of the bed and stares down at it, twisting it around. “I thought about doing it on your birthday, but Nat and Sharon had just gotten engaged the week before and I didn’t want to take anything away from them. You were working a lot of late nights after that, and I thought it would be better to wait until things slowed down. You were so tired all the time, and you deserved a better proposal than when you’re falling asleep in the middle of dinner. It never slowed down, though. And then you got that big promotion and somehow we fell apart instead. If I’m honest, I still don’t really know how. One minute I’m getting ready to come with you, and the next you’re telling me not to bother.”

Tony sits down next to him, shoulders touching, and he pulls Bucky’s left hand into his. “You didn’t really want to go.”

“That’s not true,” Bucky says, but Tony shakes his head.

“All you talked about was how much you would miss New York. How much you’d miss your friends and your family and your job. Every day, everywhere we went. Even the fucking hot dog stands got sonnets about them. It really didn’t take a genius to figure out that you weren’t exactly looking forward to leaving.”

“I still would have gone for you,” Bucky argues. “I told you I would go anywhere with you, if it was what you wanted.”

“And then what? You move with me, and you’re miserable all the time, because my job never slows down so I’m still not around as much as you want, except now it’s compounded because you’re in a city that you hate with no one else that you know. You resent me for making you go, and the outcome is the same in the end either way.”

“Or I move with you, and I finally ask you to marry me like I’ve wanted to since almost the day we met. I find new friends and a new job, and even if it’s not perfect, it’s still worth it because at the end of the day I have a husband coming home to me.”

Tony runs his thumb over the ring and murmurs, “I wanted you to be happy. I didn’t think I could do that for you anymore.”

Bucky cups his cheek, tilting his head up to meet his eyes. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but baby, you’re an idiot.”

“Oh, thanks,” Tony laughs.

“You’re my idiot, if that helps.”

Tony smiles, still fragile but growing more hopeful. “Am I?”

“Always have been,” Bucky says. “Always will be if you stop assuming I’m going to leave you all the time. Let me decide for myself what I’m willing to sacrifice for us.”

Tony nods slowly, then says, “I’m sorry for ending it like that.”

“I’m sorry for making you feel like you had to.”

Tony climbs into his lap, circling his arms around his neck, and Bucky pulls him in closer with his hands on Tony’s hips. The ring is strange to feel against his skin, but also completely right. He wants it to stay there and to mean what it was always supposed to. Wants one of his own to match.

“We can fix it, right? We can be us again?”

“I don’t know,” Bucky says, and Tony’s heart sinks for just a moment. “Is your boyfriend as real as my fiancé?”

Tony laughs again in relief, “Yeah, they’d be a good pair.”

“I knew you had to be lying. You’ve never taken it slow in your life,” Bucky grins.

“Do you want me to start now?”

Bucky flips them over in one fluid motion, and he kisses up his throat as he murmurs, “Absolutely not.”

[salvatoreren]

Differentiating Eren and Shitz

Hi so this is a post or whatever it is on why Eren and Shitz are not alike, never have, never fucking will

If any of you find yourself disagreeing or getting offended the deeper you read into these i suggest you back off and never look back thanks

Where did this came up with?

As we all know Chapter 139 definitely started this. Because of the birth of that chapter many shit came and some were good but mostly bad, because of Mikasa paralleling Ymir i guess, there came the Eren paralleling Shitz. anyways the reasons

1. Eren wanted to destroy the Titans

- Idk if people read chapter 122 or watched episode 80 but Shitz: Even after I die...my Eldians will rule the great lands of this world with their enormity. And my Titans shall reign forever and ever.

He wanted them to rule till the end of the Earth because of his revolting desires

- Eren on the other hand: I'll kill them all! I'll wipe every last one of them off this Earth!

Destroying the Titans not the beings but the power of it as the series progressed is one of its main topics

Eren hated the Titans, yes his hate did mellow for it as he learned the truth but he hated the idea of someone turning into a mindless eating giants

2. Shitz abused Ymir

-We all know what happened, it's so disgusting but people forget about this all to enforce the Mikasa-Ymir parallel to make 139 make sense, so yeah Shitz abused Ymir, had her hunted and possibly have her eyes poked, r/ped her, used her to kill people, dehumanized her into nothing but a slave, to the very end, showed no absolute appreciation for Ymir because he's nothing but a fucking slimy selfish disgusting son of a bitch moronic asshole who started this fucking mess and deserves nothing but pain because i have never ever seen a character do revolting things to a goddamn child and lose all morals all for the sake of his humongous ego that Ymir had to inflate her goddamn life, it wasn't even his accomplishments

gosh imagine my reaction when i read that seed part; but she's a kid!

- Eren treated her like any decent human being which isn't a lot but he did, Idk it seems like Eren is manipulating Ymir to me, How? How is telling someone you have a choice manipulating? To choose? That everything is in your fucking control? Eren gave her a choice to lend her power to him or not.

3. Eren would never want his friends or anyone for that matter to chew his spine

- See Shitz wanted to pass that power to his children. IDK maybe he didn't know that their was a limit, uh idk have you checked the part where he said hey kids, have children and have them eat your spine like???

-Are we forgetting Eren stood up for Historia and again told his friends to like hey dont, you dont have to make sacrifices for this titan bullshit because it sucks eating someone you love quite literally and also bcus you ppl are special to me and should live deserved long lives and to

Eren experienced the suffering that Fritz never got to, thought i wish he did because fuck that loser

4. Horrific acts for different reasons

-Yeah Shitz was all imma conquer everything bcus apparently this empire consisting of like idk 1 million people and shit isnt enough for me, why dont we go and kill people bcus idk its fun, i want more ppl to kneel before me and tell me im a great king despite r/ping a literal child and also bcus im just really bored

-Eren did the Rumbling not because he wanted to conquer the goddamn world but to free his people and friends and because the rest of the world left him no choice [This doesn't excuse his actions tho, killing is still killing]

5. "All i ever wanted to do was do right things, I never wanted to be the king"

- First of all I love this line so much, because Eren never wanted those kind of shit

And I have two interpretations for this line

- This may refer to the fact that Eren has to act like ugh Shitz for the whole thing to work, yk setting Ymir free thru mikasa yeah

- And like i said Eren never wanted to any of this shit, a hero yeah but not a king

6. Eren saved Mikasa

- So yeah, Shitz made Ymir a slave, Eren saved Mikasa from being a sex slave, completely different things, get me?

7. Eren is hot, has great qualities, has lots of stans, and Shitz is not and never will be the only thing he's attracting is all of the morons of this Earth and dirt there

Eren is also the protag and hes not yey!

In conclusion Eren and Shitz are not the same, fuck you, whoever thought of this, you must be fucked in the head and I can only wish for you to seek help like right away

if you guys have anything else to add in here go ahead just make them make sense, also sorry for this being sloppy i have other things to prioritize about

[ilikekidsshows]

I don't know if this has been asked before or debunked or anything, but what if Gabriel doesn't plan to use the wish to bring Emilie back to life but instead to turn back time before she got sick or something like wishing they never found the miraculous in the first place? Like sure he's a bit of a dick but he never shows remorse when he does something evil or thinks about the consequences except a little bit when Adrien was in danger or Natalie got sick, and also I'm surprised no ones said the cliched "do you think she would be happy being brought back this way?" line yet.

I could be completely wrong and he's just extremely focused or his wife is just as bad or worse than him and neither of them have any compassion, but idk sometimes I just think he's willing to sink as low as he can cuz if he succeeds he knows it's gonna be all reversed anyway so it wont matter

The fact that Gabriel usually leaves his evil speeches and grinning to his villain persona, while his normal appearance out of costume is either coldly distant or in mourning, lends itself well to separating the things Gabriel willingly does as Hawk Moth as simply being wacky villain hijinks. This explains why some people view him more sympathetically than he is actually depicted, because they separate his atrocities from his identity. However, even so, Gabriel isn't exactly a paragon of human virtue out of costume either.

I don't think Gabriel seemingly not caring about the collateral damage is necessarily a big thing to dig into. He's a rich business owner, these people build their fortunes on ignoring the collateral damage of their actions. I'm pretty sure Gabriel brand clothing isn't produced in an environment-preserving manner, for one, as it's mass-produced fashion, although his haute couture creations might be different since they're made-to-order. Never mind the one time we've seen Gabriel interacting with his employees on the phone was to yell at them for their incompetence, so he doesn’t seem to care how his workers are treated either.

Never mind the potential textbook social commentary that's been made since the 70's, Gabriel's very motivation shows that a fundamental character trait for Gabriel is his selfishness. Nathalie romanticised what Gabriel is doing as being "all for his family", but it is specifically for Gabriel's idea of what his family is like. Unless Emilie begged Gabriel to find a way to save her on her deathbed, Gabriel is going against her wishes trying to restore her because he wants her back. He isn't even doing it for Adrien, because otherwise he'd include Adrien and let him have a say.

So, I don't see Gabriel's wish being to turn back time as a moral choice, unless it was to suit the morals of someone else. It would technically make sense with a morally good Emilie, since he wouldn't then want her to know about what he did to get her back. However, I can't see a morally good Emilie also condoning the things we know about Adrien's upbringing, like the isolation and leaving the child-rearing entirely to Emilie. A good Emilie that allowed that to happen wouldn't make sense, so if she’s not complicit in her husband’s crimes, she'd have to be an equally controlled and abused member of the family to Adrien, with them both being basically controlled by Gabriel. However, if Gabriel controls and abuses his wife, he wouldn't really care what she thinks, would he? He certainly doesn't care about Adrien's opinions, the primary target for his abuse style we see. Except if his control and abuse of Emilie are based on manipulation, then he'd want her to believe he's still fundamentally good.

A time-reversing wish would make the most sense with another theme I've been noticing in the series. The previous generations are obsessed with the past; Gabriel wants to get his wife back, Fu wants to preserve what he can of the Order's ways and Su Han constantly recites scripture, and the current generation (Marinette) is being screwed over by trying to follow the example of the previous generations. The idea that Gabriel's ultimate goal is to literally turn back time and return to the past would make sense with that, because it would frame this looking-solely-into-the-past as a bad thing when it's practised by the villain.

[kittywriites]

&& – (( WELCOME...TO JURASSIC PARK ))  just kidding

Kitty or Kat. 20s. Smutty nerd.

fullpogue  → kittywriites

Please read rules before interacting.

♥ This is an ongoing wishlist that I will continuously be updating based on my whims, wicked as they may be! They vary from cute and fluffy to NSFW debauchery so be warned xo.

&& Updated: 5/19

By Muse:

Caleb Carrick (R.aymond A.black)  — Cute domestic things, i.e: getting engaged, getting married, honey moon stuff. — Loosely based on Rufus and Lily from Gossip Girl. They were each other’s first great loves, but her ridiculously wealthy family won’t hear of it. At 18 they gave her the ultimatum of her trust fund and family, or him. She chose the money. Fast forward and they run into each other as adults again and those dormant feelings come back and he somehow finds out she didn’t really leave him by choice. — ALL THE AFFAIRS. He’s a sweet guy who never means to hurt anyone but he’s also very passion driven so if he meets someone who gets his heart racing even if he’s already married...

Elijah Young (R.udy P.ankow) — Give him all the cougars. Mom’s friends, friends’ moms, boss’ wives, neighbors.  — He’s a handyman/contractor/landscaper/etc. Gimme some Princess Bride ‘as you wish’ type shit where he’s working at her home and she’s a condescending little brat at first bc she’s rich and spoiled and he’s not, but soon feelings are happening and she’s sneaking around with the help even though her dad would kill him. Maybe even literally for some spice.

Javier Russo (T.ommy M.artinez) — He’s the black sheep of his family (think like, lawyer and doctor types, but he dropped out of college to live in a shitty apartment and play music in dive bars and he LUVS it) so I’m dying for something where he hooks up with a girl after he plays one night, and then shortly after goes to home to meet his brother’s fiance. Oh look, it’s the girl he had super hot sex with and neither one of them can stop thinking about it??? — I need him to repeatedly have his heart broken by a toxic hottie who reels him back in every time he starts to move on, kthx. — ACTUAL love at first sight with someone he can’t have. That’s the plot.

Roxanne Ford (M.adelyn C.line) — ANOTHER PRINCESS BRIDE-ESQUE VIBE OKAY. Give her some sweet guy that’s working in/on/around her fancy house that she loves to order around. She’s mean but he adores her, idk.  — She lowkey a little evil, so a plot where she’s blackmailing someone into an affair would be -chef’s kiss-. Basically this post.  — I would like her to BE a toxic hottie who repeatedly breaks some poor boy’s heart and then pulls him back in every time he starts to move on. Could be because she’s in love with him too but just doesn’t ~do love~ or just because she’s spiteful and selfish wHO KNOWS. — Give her an O.liver J.ackson-Cohen. Please.

Dominic Moretti (S.keet U.lrich) && PSA: he’s not a nice guy lmao. — Give him innocent little doves looking for adventure for him to seduce, corrupt, and destroy, but also give him evil little vixens that will gleefully watch him beat the snot out of a disobedient gang member, and then tell him how hot he looks with bloody knuckles. I mean...bonus if those are the same muse AHEM.

Jack Huxley (R.ay N.icholson) — He’s a grease monkey and he needs to have an affair with the shop owner’s classy, older, trophy wife.  — Highschool sweethearts that were supposed to “make it” but she became the one that got away when she left their little town. And now she’s back for reason xyz and oh hey, old feelings. And maybe she’s got a kid that looks like him, who knows?!

Angelo Martin (O.scar I.saac) && PSA: he is a VERY not nice guy lmao. — Loosely a professor, but could also be a boss or landlord. — VERY willing to exchange favors and blackmail for sex. Like, the dirty degrading kind where he constantly reminds you what a filthy little slut you are for letting him fuck you as part of a transaction. && For Dom and Angelo: I really think they’re evil besties who should definitely double team one of Angelo’s students when they see her in Dom’s nightclub one night. That’s all.

FC Pairings I Want Because I’m Superficial:

M.adelyn C.line/O.liver J.ackson-C.ohen (preferably something taboo like professor/student, stepcest, boss’s daughter, whateva)

D.avid Harbour/S.ophia B.ush

B.lake Lively/M.atthew G.rey G.ubler

R.udy Pankow/S.ophia B.ush

R.ay N.icholson/S.ophia B.ush

If you give me literally any of the above, I will love you 5ever!!! PLEASE feel free to shoot me a message to let me know what plot(s) or face(s) you’d be interested in!

As always, please read my rules and banned list before interacting, BUT COME AT ME, BOOS!

[midnight-in-town]

Hello Midnight! Your cats are so cute, what are their names? Thank you for sharing 💕

Hello Anon! Oh wow, thank you. <3 I’ll tell them, haha! 

I got both from the same benevolent association, which I thank for their highly dedicated work towards all the animals in need, as well as for keeping in touch with the animals’ owners, after adoption.

This below is Rény.

I got her last August, so it’s been almost a year and she’s a year and a few months old (no one is sure of when she’s born exactly, but probably around March 2020). <3 

As you can see, she’s a one-eyed, because of hardcore cat flu when she was a baby living in Guadeloupe’s streets with her mom and brothers. When I first got her after she arrived in Paris’ region and was taken care of by her second foster family, she looked all weak and sickly, having had to take lots of antibiotics after her eye surgery and barely being able to eat.

Because of this, she’s very sensitive when it comes to food and she was very sick last October, until I managed to find what food she could tolerate. 

Now she’s an adult and she’s doing mostly okay. Sometimes her valid eye gets sick, so I have to be extra careful with plants or when she’s playing with the kitten. Also she’s got an eating disorder, because she had trouble being able to eat enough when she was a sick kitten (that’s why she’s so petite), so now she’s constantly scared not to have enough food. 

The other day, as I was checking for when to get her shots done this year, I found some written words by the first foster family that took her in from the streets and gave her that lovely name, saying stuff about how she went through a lot and clearly needed time to get close to humans, but she was super sweet and never aggressive, so they hoped someone would give her a chance and adopt her.

Never had these issues myself, because her two foster families took good care of her and taught her to trust in humans, buuut I’m biased because I’m clearly the only person she currently responds to (she’s very vocal and affectionate). We were very close very fast when I got her, which is super nice, but as long as I’m around, she won’t try to open up to other people or animals (literally ignoring them but following me around everywhere), so I decided to take another cat, to help her socialize. 

That’s how I got Siem, who’s almost 5 months old now, in the pictures below.

2021 is a tough year for benevolent animal associations, at least in France, because the number of mom cats giving birth on the streets is very high. So they ended up with idk how many kittens in need of care, as well as finding owners for them and the moms. 

(In fact, if you who’s reading live in France and are interested in adopting a cat or simply helping these associations, I am following several and all of them are drowning in kitten care, so please don’t hesitate to support them! Also if you ever get a cat or a kitten, please remember it’s important to neuter them when they’re old enough, for their health and to control their high reproductive rate.) 

Anyway, Siem is one of these kittens. Her mama gave birth on the cold streets in February 2021 and the lil family was taken in by people who would take care of them. Mama was very scared of humans at first, but the foster family helped a lot (and she recently got adopted too, I was very happy). 

Back then, I had mentioned to the association that I wanted a cat to help Rény socialize while showing interest in some black cats of the same age (because black animals are less adopted than non-black ones, I’m not even kidding) and they asked me if I wanted to take in a kitten, so that Rény would not feel threatened on her territory, since she used to be a bit harassed by her siblings as a sick kitten.

I went to see Siem’s family and ended up choosing her because she was the smallest & youngest one, with very big eyes and short hair, which I found lovely. I named her after Siem Reap, a beautiful city of Cambodia leading to the Angkor temples that I very much enjoyed exploring.

Needless to say, things did not go well at first between them, haha. I mean, poor Rény looked at me as if I had stabbed her, she was shaking so much when I first brought back the kitten at the end of April. But, in comparison to Rény who was a sick kitten, healthy little Siem lived with 4 siblings, her mom and at least another older cat in her foster family, so she knew by heart what socializing meant and playing games around Rény (in the innocent and silly ways kittens live their life) helped them get along after only a few days.

Now they live peaceful days, playing and sleeping with each other. :)) Side note, but if anything Siem is the one who got wilder by being with Rény, instead of Rény opening up to people who are not me. xDDD 

Cannot tell you how many “it’s a bad idea” opinions I heard though, “because Rény is too difficult so she won’t tolerate it, they won’t get along and you’ll be stuck with a second cat”, so much that I ended keeping it a secret from most people and then I sent photos of them getting along to the ones who stomped all over my confidence. :)))

I honestly think people’s prejudice with cats (being selfish, using you, being too independent to be good pets) stand from never owning one and being bitter that they cannot pet other people’s cats. Then again, as my vet says “how would you react if a random dude you didn’t know hugged you in the subway? ». xDDD Personally I can not do a single thing at home without one of them keeping me company (Siem is sleeping next to me as I am writing this), so I really don’t get people’s weird ideas about cats.

Anyway, they’re very cute and I love them! 

Aaaand, I just realized that you only asked for their names.... but I ended up rambling for ten years, sorry Anon! xDD I guess adopting these cats represent the biggest and most independent decisions I took for myself as an adult so far and I will stand proudly by these choices, which is probably why I had a lot to say about them. 

TL;DR If you read this very long post and are interested in adopting an animal on your own, please do so knowing that they will definitely ask you time, money and a lot of patience (especially kittens++++ they do a lot of stupid things and they need time to learn to understand what you allow and what you don’t). Do not adopt animals if you’re not sure you’ll be able to take care of them properly for many years to come. 

Rény, Siem and I wish you a nice day Anon! Take care!

[angelguk]

uhm VERY unpopular opinion alert

at some point i was thinking that maybe you would (and was all for it and kinda hoping) just go with pb couple not getting back together, like at all. i think i sent an anon a long time ago about how hard it was/ is to pick a side oc is an odd one and i think we’ve come to the conclusion that she was selfish but jk 🥴 idk man maybe i was just hoping for ‘the one that got away’ kinda ending you know ? like we were friends we loved each other maybe one more than the other and it was easier loving someone else (oc n lucas)

BUT

what i need to know (maybe you’ve said it before sorry if you did and i just missed it) is did oc always have feelings for jk and did jk didn’t question his love and was more for “just a friend” BECAUSE if it’s that way then maybe oc is a little bit justified like i’ve always loved you and have shown it but you are just now showing it (in a more romantic way) ???

anyways even though you said they would get a happy ending a little bit in me still wished for the angst of ‘the one that got away’ type of ending

an angst ending would have fitted the scenario too i just didn't want to be stoned in my inbox if i left it like that.

as for your question i think there's a typo im not entirely sure what you're asking but i'll try my best to explain the characters and their motivations regarding the break-up.

one of the original angst prompt highlighted a problem that i thought was interesting and very applicable to friends to lovers situations, especially when the friendship relationship was very long (for jk and oc almost all their life). it was something along the lines of: oc goes on a spiral thinking abt what if theyre just in this relationship cos its comfortable for them and like theyve known each other the longest and maybe theyre dating bc of some twisted ver of stockholm syndrome n oc gets all 😔😔💔😡 and starts ignoring jk for some time (literally want the anon requested). so the angst plotline deals with the theme of settling imo. oc and jk really love each other but is it because they LOVE each other or because they have become comfortable and content and settled for something that feels safe? is it a purposeful choice or just them saying "hey, i know you and you know me. i'll feel safe and content around you for the most part and this won't be a difficult relationship. i think i might settle for this."

that's why jungkook grows insecure over ocs past relationships, especially namjoon cause he was the first person oc looked at in a romantic manner (like the first person that was made obvious to him). hence the question: what did he have that i didn't? if i was here the whole time why didn't you pick me first?

perhaps thats why pb!jk is overall romantic with oc like he needs to constantly show her he's not just her friend anymore

on the other hand, oc realised her feelings for jk pretty early on in their friendship (maybe around middle school) but hid her feelings because she feared losing jk. she's gotten so used to viewing him through the friendship lens that even a year into a relationship she hasn't moved jk completely out of that corner in her head. i think pb!oc still feels like jk will wake up and realise he doesn't love her he's just settling for her - like she's subconsciously prepared for him to leave her for somebody "better" all the time

their insecurities drive the wedge between them. jungkook is trying to close the gap and have oc closer, while oc is imaging him leaving her already like she can't believe jk chose her

to sum to up:

oc = why did you choose me? are you going to leave?

jk = why didn't you choose me? why wasn't i enough?

hopefully that makes it easier to understand the motivations driving their actions. as for the events of the angst plotline that was 100% the people who voted faults. idk what i would have done personally if i was controlling the plot because i cant imagine this two not together... like they just make sense.

anyhow i hope i answered ur question if i didn't let me know lol

[its-my-little-dumpster-fire]

Love love LOVE let it burn good god what a masterpiece. Can I ask you one thing? I think it’s amazing to see a portrayal of a complete sociopath and there’s obviously the big debate of wether or not they can truly love someone but obviously with your fic he kinda has no choice but to love his soulmate even though he resists a lot of the time. His intentions with Dinah were obviously bad but I wondered more about his relationship with Krista, did he care? Do you think he felt some love or feelings towards her? Or was she simply a means to an end and didn’t really care all that much when she died? I loved reading your character I felt like I related. I let people walk all over me even when I shouldn’t. I grow a backbone and then drop it over and over with people and boundaries are hard for me so it felt really cool to read something where I was like WTF ARE YOU DOING BUT ALSO WHY IS THIS ME😂

Can’t thank you enough for creating this masterpiece it’s been really nice to read something different

Um. Wtf. Why am I crying in the club right now?

Jk I have hit snooze 6 times already and I’ll do it again while I write a respond to this message. Literally so kind. Who are you? Be my friend. Or don’t. It’s cool. Privacy. Respect.

Aaaaanywho-snooze.

I’m so glad you love the concept. It’s a weird one for SURE and most days I regret ever starting this monster, but here you are becoming the wind beneath my wings. It’s fine. Billy has a choice, he has many and he makes those choices. Over and over. Usually for himself but then occasionally he’ll do something that’s for his soulmate not for him and it sets off this chain reaction of “oh shit, the tiniest bit of effort and I get all this attention in return? Interesting. How far can I push it?” Far enough that it is a love. Not perfect, not overly romantic, but it’s something just for them. Billy has this security that this person isn’t going to leave him and reader has billy, need I say more.

The rest is under a cut because wow. I rambled. I rambled a lot. But it’s good stuff. Maybe. Idk.

Krista. Oh boy. I have thoughts. In canon, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Krista is a means to an end. He has identified a sympathetic person and exploits it. He’s also been asleep for 8 months, he’s got some energy to burn. She’s a one stop shop for itches to scratch. Sex. Check. Control. Check. Hideout from the law. Check. Confidence booster. Check. I mean, what’s not to “love”? Plus he’s feeling a lot, like all the time and instead of teaching him how to manage those emotions, Krista asks for five blue things then lets him blow out her back. Strategies I never learned in my clinical classes but hey, maybe I was absent that day.

(For anyone planning to come after me, yes it’s a legitimate grounding technique, good for keeping anxious minds present in the moment instead of spiraling into an attack, I use similar methods on myself, but no it is not a sustainable practice for someone with tbi and emotional regulation issues. It’s short term. Billy needs more.)

I think someone can be a means to an end and you can also care when they die. Billy…. Care is a tricky word. I think he cares that his anchor in this world is gone. He had JUST cut ties with his gang when his plans got thrown out the window. Literally. So I think he cares, but it’s a selfish care. It’s a goddammit Dinah you’ve disrupted my life for the last time kind of care. Maybe also he liked her, but I wouldn’t call it love. I don’t think billy has love for anyone who tries to pull a gun on him, no matter how good they are in the sack.

In let it burn… same but also more. In my story, Billy’s relationship with Krista is even more volatile because it’s a release for all the feelings he doesn’t understand regarding his soulmate. With his brain scrambled, he’s experiencing an influx of emotion that previously he maintained a tight lid on. Now he’s impulsive, he’s aggressive, he’s overwhelmed, and he has intense feelings for a person he doesn’t really know or recognize. It’s much easier to channel that all into crazy starfish sex with the attractive therapist he kind of knows rather than process the fact that he may have feelings for his own soulmate.

I love this ask. I wish I had more chances to talk about Billy the Sociopath, I have so many thoughts about it and like…. Pages of notes. But in Let it Burn, it’s hard to bring up in obvious ways. Reader is sadly not me and does not have my obsession with brains. And Billy for all his accomplishments, I don’t think would be self aware enough to identify certain aspects of his behavior without having undergone actual therapy. Idk. Maybe Billy Russo knows what he is. Maybe he doesn’t. Oftentimes I wonder if he also sustained an injury during one of his tours that contributed because flashbacks of vulnerable moments with Frank and hanging out with his kids don’t match up to a post war Billy. It’s a hard line to toe between the idea that he could have a legitimate personality disorder or he’s just a survivor through and through who feels things for people, but can’t afford to because of how messy it all is.

I don’t see any inherent advantages to being cool uncle billy. So part of me wonders if he was always kind of an asshole, a lovable asshole, who after the trauma of war slipped into these murky sociopathic behaviors and it isn’t obvious to his friends bc he’s always been kind of an asshole and he can still charm and manipulate when he needs to while hiding what’s happening with Rawlins. Idk. I don’t have a firm belief yet.

BUT THAT WASNT YOUR QUESTION. YIKEZ.

I’m glad you feel some kinship with this character. It’s really hard for me to do the “reader insert” thing and this was my first time trying it, so sometimes I get really worried that she isn’t written very well because I was trying to make it vague enough for everyone. Eventually I stopped worrying about that and gave her a family and a back story and her own brain traumas. But for real, thank you for reading and I’m so glad you enjoy it and that you took the time to say something.

[rahleeyah]

sometimes i wish EO wasn't endgame, and honestly i love them but continue to be so on the fence about it all

the funny part is, i have no long-term resentful bone in my body, i can be mean and vicious and a bit vengefull but i could never be done with the love of my life, even after some of the shit we've gone through, some of the things i have felt and been made to feel, some of the things i have heard, some that hurt so badly but that i needed to hear

so i should understand olivia, i should understand how it is to feel unable to give up, to let go, to be done with someone, i should know that one look or move would be all it takes for my anger to subside, i also know that my rage burns bright and short and that i immediatly feel bad about it after because i don't want that to define me, to be how people and the person i love most remembers and knows me

but i feel vengeful for olivia, i feel like i need to protect her at all costs, and sometimes i am unwilling to believe that the one who hurt her the most is also the one who can make her the happiest, for some reasons that thought makes my heart ache, it makes me not believe in justice and i wish that elliot would just understand what it is she has been feeling her whole life, about people leaving, about her feeling she's not enough or, actually, too much

i can relate to olivia, i know how she feels because i feel it too, being too much and not enough at the same time is a burden to live with and i think, somehow, elliot tries to understand but he doesn't know and he will never know and sometimes, sometimes i just wish he could actually get into her head and her heart to finally, finally understand completely what is feels like

but the worse part is, the ones who actually don't understand are the ones the best equiped to heal you, because they try so much to get it that they do the work, they listen, they try and i know elliot can be that person, the one who completes her, who gets her in another beautiful way, who sees who she is, the real her, olivia

but sometimes i also want her to not be olivia all the time and to be selfish and to just say to hell with it and just take what she wants instead and not give it, give it, give it

so yeah, i wish they would end up together, but i also wish they wouldn't, i guess i will be happy and frustrated either way

Something I think is important to remember, when we talk about how Elliot leaving hurt Olivia, is that Elliot is also a person and Olivia knows this.

I don't think I agree with your thesis; is Elliot's departure the thing that hurt her most? No, I think Lewis did the most damage, emotionally as well as physically, bc he took away her control and her understanding of herself. Elliot's departure hurt but she wasn't in therapy over it. Sheila's betrayal hurt worse, I would argue. Bc Olivia didn't trust her but she wanted a family so goddamn bad she let her in anyway, and very nearly lost her son in the process, and blamed herself for it.

The thing is. What Elliot did, leaving, wasn't about hurting Olivia, and she knows this. He wasn't being cruel to her. He made a decision and one of the consequences of that decision is that she was hurt, but there are also positive outcomes with that decision. His family - the family both he and Liv have always put first - will be taken care of. He won't lose his pension, his reputation. He leaves his job on his own terms. Liv won't be dragged thru the mud alongside him.

Also!!! Remember!!! The part where he killed a teenager!!!! He is grappling with an actual serious trauma. And Liv knows this. Liv knows he wasn't trying to hurt her. He wasn't even being particularly selfish, imo; it's not like he wanted to go. Oh he could have answered the phone; ok well Liv knows where he lives and she's turned up uninvited to talk sense into him before. Why didn't she?

A) bc they're not real but b) I think she understands, on some level, why he had to go, and that she has to let him.

His marriage is not just an inconvenience to him. As far as he is concerned it is never going away; he loves his wife, he loves his kids, he believes in his god and the vows he has made, and he wants to be the man who stays. With that in mind it is kinder of him to leave Olivia than to continue to keep her in his orbit, bound to him and yet not ever his. He can't have her, and letting her go hurts her but it gives her the chance to maybe find happiness elsewhere.

You've pointed out that he does understand, better than pretty much anyone, exactly how Olivia feels, exactly how much she needed him, how she struggles with abandonment and feeling like no one wants her, bc she has told him more about herself, given more of herself to him than she has to anyone else and also he walked beside her for so long. They know each other. She knows his secrets and he knows her. So what makes him a threat? That he is the one who loves her most, and therefore is the one who can hurt her most?

The people we love most by default have the ability to hurt us more than anyone else, not because they choose to (yes, they know which buttons to press and which words cut the deepest but willfully inflicting pain for the sake of it is not love) but because they are so bound up in us. Their choices affect us more deeply than the choices of people we care less about. When you build a life with someone, every move they make has the ability to shake you bc you have the same foundation. It doesn't make them cruel. We have to learn to bend together.

The only way to protect Olivia from this pain is for her to never share her life with anyone else. If she doesn't depend on anyone she won't be hurt. If there's anyone who matters, tho, there is a risk of pain. That's life.

I hear you wanting to protect her and I fully get that but I don't see Elliot as a threat. Yes, his leaving hurt her. Yes, he could hurt her again. Anyone could. Anyone she loved, no matter who he was, could hurt her, bc she loves him and he could leave.

Their journey isn't over yet, either. We don't know how their coming together is gonna look. We don't know what kinda work they're gonna put in, what kinda conversations they're gonna have. So we don't know what this looks like.

And also. Fiction gives us a safe place to explore dynamics we maybe wouldn't want in real life and that's ok. Wanting them to be together in fiction doesn't erase your moral judgment, or your knowledge that you'd want better for yourself in a relationship.

So. Idk what to tell you, really. Your feelings are your own and you may just stay conflicted and that's ok!!! We all bring our own baggage to the table and sometimes we can't help but project our own feelings onto the characters, and sometimes that means we're gonna react differently to stuff than other people do. That's just human. I'm sorry if you feel you're struggling with this, but I hope that eventually you find some peace.