#idk what else ot tag

[smoosnoom]

(go on and) kiss the boy

“So,” Mike starts, drawing out the word, and Will turns to him. “Any ideas on how to spend the next fifteen minutes?” It’s teasing, suggestive when he wiggles his eyebrows, and it’s so unexpected that Will lets out a surprised laugh, unabashed, and it’s so easy, how the tension falls away, and it’s only them again. “You’re ridiculous,” Will shakes his head, smiling, but Mike looks proud of himself anyway. He points out, “I don’t hear you complaining.” Will scoffs, nudging at him with an elbow. “Whatever,” he smoothly replies. Mike grins.

Will, Mike, and the numerous attempts at their first kiss.

[goblinbeetle]

[aspic31]

today i offer you ballerina leia and an exhausted clone captain tomorrow who knows

[bejeweledmp3]

welp

[lite-thespark]

Also feel free to follow my HanLeia account!

[risingsouls]

            Vegeta woke up and is choosing violence today. He’s feeling more antagonistic than usual, rip.

[a-spes]

I litteraly can't stop thinking about this post from @whumped-by-glitter ~ Like, can we (please) take a minute to think about how perfect it's for Wandanat or BlackHill x young!R where they take her out of the Red Room?? | Warnings & Tags : messy blurb? (imagine? idk, just wanting to share my thoughts, and couldn't stop writing), mainly BlackHill, mentions of the Red Room/past abuses, no idea if that makes sense. Imagine, teen or young adult R that fails a mission, and is captured by SHIELD/The Avengers. R isn't really cooperative, even if she is not under mind control anymore, she firmly believes that. However, Nat just can't accept the idea of leaving her rotting in a cell for the rest of her life for something that isn't really her fault. Despite what R can say, Natasha wants to believe that it's not true, and that she will be able to show her that life is way more than the Red Room.

But it's not that easy. Nat more than anyone else knows that you don't come back from the Red Room that easily, and she can only assumes that it would be worst for someone that went under mind control. And she was right. At first, she tried to introduce you to how life outside is, how sweet it could be, but she quickly noticed that it didn't work. Whenever she asks you a question about what you would like, she gets no answer. If she doesn't tell you to eat or to go somewhere, you don't do it. The amount of time you didn't followed her or talked because she didn't especially told you to do so is insane, especially in the beginning. So she decides to do what she thinks it's best, even if she hates it: giving you order, being stern with you, offering you a place you know, where you feel safe (no matter how sick it's) because you can predict it, a space where you'll be fine as long as you do as your ask. The world is a big and scary place in which to evolve in, especially when you don't have the keys to understand it - what you do something you're not supposed to, and you're punished for that? R will eventually come here, but it'll definitely takes a lot of time.

But obvsiouly Nat' is hating herself for that. She knows she has to do it, for you, but it doesn't make it easier. She does it because she believes it will help you to feel better, and because if you're under her orders, they have less reasons to be worried that you would attend something under Dreykov's name (or try to go back to him). She feels guilty, and old thoughts about her not being better than the man that made them are coming back. But Maria/Wands are here to help their wife <3

AND SO, here is how I see things if it's WandaNat we're talking about - I picture Wands as the soft mom she is shown as in Wandavision, and she would definitely not appreciate Nat's methods. She trusts her wife, she knows that she has her reasons, and it must be the best way to help you, but she still doesn't like it. She hates the way you always look down, the way you would do everything her wife is asking without thinking twice about it, and most of it, she hates when you're calling Nat' "ma'am" or something else of that kind. She hates even more than her wife isn't saying anything. She didn't know you for long, but she already loves you as her own, and it pains her when you reject her. Sometimes, she and Nat would argue about the whole situation (and those arguments would definitely go too far).

BUT imagine if it's BlackHill?? Even better in my opinion, and definitely can't stop thinking about it ~ Because, unlike Wanda, Maria is directly concerned. She read your file, she saw footages of you killing dozens of people, she tracked you, lost men in the process, and she saw how you didn't seem to regret anything when she questioned you. So Maria has every reasons to be worried, especially for her wife's security (physically and mentally). What if it's just a part of a biggest plan to attempt to kill the redhead? Or worst, to take her back there? I can easily Maria being upset, and taking it out on the other recruit she is training (poor them), not daring to do much more than glaring at you, knowing her wife wouldn't appreciate. And even if she doesn't appreciate R, she trusts and love her wife, so she lets her do her thing. But she is always somewhere looking at you with a stern face, waiting for the moment you would make a mistake to step-in. But you never really make a mistake, always following Nat's orders at the perfection, which is kinda frustrating because then she has no reason to get rid of you. Except if one day R's misunderstood one of Nat's orders, which lead to a heavy situation <3 It's honestly the only situation I imagine leading to an argument between Maria & Nat. Like, maybe you hurt someone or stole something or idk, thinking you did good, and they would be proud, but when you come in the room they're just looking at you with that shocked face. But you did what you had to, no? That's exactly what you were asked to do, so why are they angry? AND IMAGINE THE ANGST FROM NOW. R's confusion, Nat' desesperatly trying to find a solution, trying to convince Maria that it was just a mistake (that was her fault because she is the one that wasn't careful with her words) but she doesn't change her mind. Pulling the "what if it happens again?" and "I am your superior, you don't get to discuss my order" cards, knowing that it would pain Nat', but she has to do it in order to keep her safe. Bonus point if Nat turns to Fury, trying to convince him as she knows her wife won't change her mind, but he doesn't say much, just agreeing with her agent, mumbling a simple "sorry" Nat doesn't want to hear. Obviously, it would eventually

AND (because there is more), I also can't stop thinking about that comment from @light-me-on-pyre ;

Like, I can easily imagine R hating Nat'. It would make so much sense because she grew up in a place where Nat' was pictured as the enemy, the one that betrayed "the ones that gave everything to her". But it wouldn't be the exact reason why R is hating Nat'. I mean, right, she hates her because she left, but mainly because of the consequences it had for the ones that came after - the worsened conditions, the mind control, etc - and how she succeed what's supposed to be impossible: leaving the Red Room. Not only physically, but mentally. Imagine R seeing Nat' on the news when she is on a mission or seeing her interacting with Maria/the Avengers, witnessing Nat' being happy. It's something she was told she doesn't deserve/will never have from a young age, so why would Nat' have the right to be happy when so many didn't? It was so much easier to hate on Nat' than on Dreykov all these years because she wasn't here, and no one would blame her to do so. But now? It's easier to continue hating Nat', for R to convince herself that the redhead is bad despite the appearances because it's easier than admitting that her whole life is a lie (kinda). And the fact that Nat' has to take the "bad guy" role in order to help R only makes things easier because, in the end, she is not different from the others, right? And so, as Nat' can't provide R the comfort she needs, it's all on Maria (at least for the beginning) who doesn't have a choice. But we all know that despite her cold demeanour, she is all soft, she is just scared for the ones she loves <3 Which includes Nat', because she saw how her wife is affected by your arrival. First, she has nightmares again because, with you, inevitably came back old memories and traumas. Then, Maria can see how her wife is so invested in your case that she barely sleep/eat/ (which is one of the reasons why she doesn't really appreciate R ...). But also, what would happen if they can't save you?

Bonus point if things get better but something happen, and everything get worse again, throwing away all these months of progress. But what if they don't have the patience to start all over again?

It's definitely (one of) my favorite trope because the amount of angst/comfort it holds is insane, and I am going crazy about it (you can tell by the lenght of that post that was supposed to be a few lines ...). Do I want to write something like that when I already have too many WIPs? Yes. Will I do it? I don't know, but I'll definitely be thinking about it 24/24 & 7/7.

[ca-suffit]

I generally *don't* dislike devils minion as a ship. I like it even...But sometimes I think about blocking it even though there is good content i like to see on it.

But the tag is filled with people who hate loumand, people who try to put shippers down. I don't see that much hate even from loustat fans.

One of the things I repeatedly see that gets on my nerves is the "armand pays more attention to daniel in dubai then he does to louis" take.

I understand they probably will happen in following seasons. But to think that armand was secretly in love with daniel the whole time in dubai is such a weird take to me. Do you think it has any base or is it just the fans trying to push their own narrative? Am I crazy to think that armand looked like he was completely in love with louis in dubai, despite their problems, and didn't really care about daniel outside of louis?

I get that they will get together in the future and i will support them and nod along when that happens. But they clearly didn't happen in season 2. There was just too much resentment on both sides and they both clearly cared more about louis. Am i crazy to think that?

I think first of all that ppl should relax trying to attack each other over which ships they like or not. it's pointless and everyone is with everyone else eventually so there's no reason to be going at each other about any of it. this was way less intense before the show aired bcuz everyone was white. now it's insane bcuz there's a lot of racist motivations fueling the protection or rejection of these ships. we can all just breathe (this is a general statement, not rly aimed at u).

secondly tho. I think the show has made a lot of things intentionally ambiguous. I can't say one way or another what armand is thinking bcuz the way he looks at daniel at times could read either way. he *is* focused on daniel in one sense bcuz daniel is *the enemy.* once armand was no longer rashid, he could more directly confront daniel and he did (not like being rashid stopped him fully anyway but lol). but there's times he's uncharacteristically gentler on daniel than louis is, like during the engagement mind-reading fuckery. I think it's meant to read as both, if u have awareness of DM. I don't think it's meant to be THERE there rn but a detail to notice and think is kind of fun (hard for this fandom to do tho, ik lol).

idk when DM is meant to take place in this universe, but I think there's something to be said about viewing all of them after 2x5. armand has remembered that entire thing the whole time and yet they're back here again. he'd otherwise erased both of their memories so neither one remembered the "fascinating" segment and he prbly figured the risk of louis thinking that again after so much time and in a different mindset was v low. but louis is still talking to the man he said was more fascinating as a stranger than armand had been for decades. and they're talking about lestat again. "ur going to teach me how to be fascinating" is prbly still in there somewhere. armand is always watching both of them bcuz he still wants to know what this means and why it happened.

it kind of mirrors jonah in S1. even tho louis doesn't explicitly tell lestat not to touch him, we learn that he lived to old age too. it makes claudia's death even worse but anyway I'm getting kind of OT.

but he definitely is v invested in louis too and is putting a lot into making the relationship look good. some of my fav parts are from some of those scenes tbh, when he's just smiling and recounting memories with louis in front of daniel. or even when he runs out as rashid to stop louis from attacking daniel again over claudia's diaries in S1, which now has more context knowing their history and louis' desire to not have harm come to daniel.

[statics-white-noise]

Intro Post!!

Hiii <3

My name's Static! Or Cola! Both are my name, both work-

I'm pangender and use all pronouns (also some xeno/neopronouns) andddd I'm panromantic/sexual as well as demiromantic/sexual

I'm very into fandom, I guess? I like things like Strange Horticulture, BSD, HSR, Studio Ghibli films, Stardew Valley, Will Wood, etc!

I write, do art, write poems, and make user cards! I'll have doodle, fic, and user card requests open all the time btw :3 Doodles are like fairly small drawings only pls...

Umm what else. Idk! I might vent on here sometimes but I'll tag it as such and put it under a cut sooo! Yep yep! Have a fun timee!

Also. I run @swimminginyokohamasrivers and all other associated accounts in the intro post to that blog.

(I do not support Morrissey.)

All the above userboxes are made by me! <3

FIC REQUESTS ARE OPEN!!!!

Yippee!

How I tag my posts:

"#transmitting static <3" random rambles and normal posts

"#screaming static" vents/rants and stuff.

"#static on screen" visual art like drawings or craft projects!

"#stories in the static" writing! Poetry or fanfic or stories

"#what ails lie within" um. Illnesses. Can be mental, can be related to my hypermobility that i need pt and ot for. Yea

Keep in mind that not all of my posts are tagged like this, i just made this guide recently!! <3

Yes they're all based off my name. For the sake of joy and whimsy.

WARNING. there are times that I get deep into unreasonable thought processes regarding certain things. Umm if im getting like that, I really recommend just ignoring me, id hate to bother you but i do not think clearly sometimes. I think my brain is a bit funny.

So yeah!! Have fun!

[nowandthane]

Mass Effect Trilogy Tag

tagged by @menacingmetal thank you!!!! <3

tagging @grim-starling @stormikins @vakariansvixen @westernlarch @illusivesoul @drelldreams @xoshepard (i know you already got tagged but tag me in yours too if u do it i wanna see it xD) <3 and anyone else who wants to do this!!

I am a fan since: I first played in September 2022 and it's consumed my life since! I had the OT since like 2018/19??? but i couldnt play because it gave me motion sickness kjdfhgkdf then I got MELE free cause amazon was doing a thing and by that point i had friends who taught me to mod the game and i can play with relatively few issues now :3

Favourite game of the series?: oooh idk i love them all and i played them first time all in a row so theyre kind of like one game to me... probably me2?

MShep or FShep?: femshep. ive yet to complete a game with anyone other than femshep. well, anyone other than sarani specifically lmao but hopefully that'll change xD

Earthborn, Colonist or Spacer?: earthborn!! (sarani again xD)

Biotics or Tech: tech (again... sarani. she is not a biotic)

Paragon or Renegade: paragon choices, renegade dialogue xD

Favourite Class: infiltrator!! ive never played a class other than infiltrator (yes, you guessed it, sarani :3) but im trying out vanguard like anytime now so we'll see?

Favourite Companion:

Least favourite Companion:

you could put a gun to my head and i still wont answer those two i will not choose

My squad selection: i dont really have a main i think? it depends on who's narratively appropriate for the mission, then on who will help me most with their build. i try to make sure everyone has equal time cause i wanna see them all....

Favourite In-game romance: well it's def thane if youve known me a while youd know i used his name for like over a year while i was figuring out my gender stuff xD also garrus and tali ofc <3 but tbh they're all good!! with the exception of jacob cause bioware did him so dirty ugh

Other pairings I like: joker/edi, miranda/ashley, miranda/jack are some of my faves but tbh this world is my playground i WILL mix and match them xD

Favourite NPC: jenkins nihlus and aethyta, i kind of really want her to [liara shoots and kills me]

Favourite Antagonist: Saren for sure i need him to choke me

Favourite Mission: Priority: Tuchanka probably... i love mordin so much and his arc... beautiful

Favourite Loyalty Mission: Tali!!!

Favourite DLC: arrival. ok no lmao. omega probably!

Control, Synthesis or Destroy: destroy i guess but only because i pretend the geth and edi dont die lmao.

Favourite Weapon: black widow!!!!!

Favourite Place: Rannoch

A quote I like: Tali's 'The difference was you.' and 'I got better. I got you.' (very romance specific i know i love her okay) garrus's 'gray... i dont know what to do with gray.' legion's 'do these units have a soul?' kolyat saying 'the prayer was for you' when wrex says shepard is a sister to him

im gonna go cry now

[westleywithatea]

Lost a fanfic

Word Count: 1200+

There was a The Sandman fanfic on AO3 that I had read long ago. I neglected to record or even look at the title and author of the story. And now i lost it. But i want to return and reread it. Or check if it updated.  Help me find it.

I first read it in maybe february or March 2023. I don't know when it was first published or updated. I didn't checked the date. I neglected to. It’s a bad habit where i read a bunch of short fics in a single night, not care for title, and focus more on word and chapter count. Because “i wanted something short.” 

This habit carries over in my YT watching habits and is equally bad. Something to do with attention span and stuff. 

Whenever I return to the site to find it, i fail. The tags and filters fail me. Somehow, it always brings me to less than x number of fics. When I am absolutely sure that there are more than x number of fics with the tags/characters/filters I'm looking for. Maybe because some writers neglected or selectively chooses some tags. 

Idk. the filters weren't helping me. 

Lets see what I can remember about the fanfic and tags and characters. Spoilers below:

I vaguely recall a “angst with happy ending” tag. Im pretty sure the rating was E for explicit. There were some rather graphic scenes. Was it graphic? What if it was actually M for Mature?? 

Idr other tags/ warnings. WIP story. Idr word count and chapter count. 3 chapters? ??

Lucienne and Death makes appearances. Some original characters. Idr order of scenes and chapters. 

Dream arrives to the old tavern but it’s in ruins. Abandoned. He explores and finds a box. It’s a bit stuck but he finds a note. A letter. With holes and missing words. Some other things might’ve been in the box but prolly stolen? A stick inside the box to hold in place. The letter is really old and fragile. It does contain some instructions on where and how to find him. (later revealed to be really outdated) 

He walks to the The New Inn. idr if he steps inside or not. But maybe he did. Maybe he didn't but later. He orders a drink. Wine? Poor employee girl didn't know what to do with gold coins and gets sand blown into her face too many times. Too many times and so much dreamsand that she has to take a break or something and ask another employee to take over. Morpheus rereads the letter over and over.  Accidentally tears it in anger, but catches himself. Makes a mental note ot have it laminated. Dream tries to talk to the owner of the inn. There’s a picture and a plaque. Something about fake name and reall name. Drunk Hob revealed his real name and it became an “inside joke.” But nothing much else. Dream is sad. 

He walks around the neighborhood. And a school campus. He gets recognized by someone. She recognized him from somewhere. Asked if he knew Robert/Hob Gadling/ fake name. Prof Gadling talked about his stranger a lot. She was a student/ student teacher under his mentorship. Or something. She kept close contact with him for while. Even when he left the university and went traveling. Even when she got her degrees and became a professor. But some point stopped. 

Idr her name. 

She invited Dream to coffee to talk. She shared / showed things on her phone. Didn't work out. 

Sad moment where Dream finds out that she and Robert had sent each other so many emails while he only has one letter. He admits that he is someone who is hard to contact. 

She mentioned visiting his old house. There was a large framed painting of him. Thats how she recognized dream. He never sat for a picture. “You’re telling me he got it commissioned?” 

Dream tried visiting the old house. Hob had moved out. New family moved in. let him borrowed a phone. Landline? Im pretty sure theres some humor of him not knowing how to operate the phone. 

Meanwhile, Death visits  a museum of ancient Egyptian stuff. Hob is there looking at a statue of Anubis. He asked if they always looked like that. Death responds, sometimes. Startles him. He didn't see or hear her arrive. They meet and talk. She explains (and apologizes) that she is responsible for his immortality. And her brother is his stranger. He laughed. I think. He asked questions. No answers. Sad sad. 

He was about to ask another question but gets distracted by a school trip group of students. Death slips away. Hob gets frustrated. 

Hob gone traveling alot .

Some point Dream tries contacting Death. Asked if hob's well / alive. Yes. 

Btw, death arrived wearing a different outfit and holding a snake. But she later changes to typical tank top and jeans. Brings the snake back wherever it was previously. 

She takes Dream to a cliff?? Unless this from a diff fanfic. Idk. but they talked at the cliff over the ocean. Idr the conversations. 

Dream visits hob’s dreams. 

We see Hob entering his old house with arms full of wine and food. Dream is disguised as a raven. It’s raining. Robert sees the raven and tells “it” to leave to somewhere safe and dry. Get out of rain and get dry.  Hob  knocks on his front door after struggling to get his keys. Opens. Enter. We see lots of shoes and coats. Dream the Raven sneaks into the house.

We meet the (former) boyfriend who is an “older” man. They laugh, joke, kiss, and talked. Ex BF asked when will Hob ask the question. What question? Marriage. Ex explained: grandfather and father got dementia at age 50. And he’s turning 50 in a few years. They fight. Sad. 

Scene shifts. The painting is visible now. Obvious on the wall. Raven disguise disappear. Dream walked up the stairs to a door slightly ajar. He spies inside and sees a copy of himself. Sorta. Whatever Hob imagines his stranger would’ve looked like if nude. Description of Hob’s version of Dream is different from the real Dream in body shape. 

Hob is (smut scene) bottom to Dream’s top. 

Lovely description of what Morpheus would’ve done in 1000 yrs ago, 100 yrs ago, 10 yrs ago, now. (Not those exact numbers or era. Idr. ) In a few sentences. Maybe it was 3. Morpheus stays and observes. Pervert. 

Hob asked Morpheus if he will stay after he wakes up. He responds, yes. (cries) 

Real Morpheus quietly leaves. The voices in the bedroom are still very loud. 

Out of the water, Lucienne arrives with an umbrella. It’s raining hard. 

They visit the library and look thru Hob’s books. Lucienne silently screams at every accidental dog-ear and mishandle of pages. I would too. Hob has entries: wha’ts teh point of dreaming anymore. And stuff. Sad stuff. Angry stuff. 

Morpheus in frustration. Throws book at wall. Book breaks and falls apart. Lucienne is hurt. Me too. He says something to her, angry. She tells him “then you must leave my library” and snaps her fingers. Forces him out and slams the doors. She picks up the book and carefully rearranges the pages and binding. Sets aside in a book press. “You’re a good book.” Awww

And that was the ending. No more updates at that date and time. 

Story obviously WIP. 

[heehoothefool]

Gender in relation to internet presentation is such an interesting concept. Like this is nothing deep just my own personal experience but like.

For clarification, as stated in my pinned post, I accept any and all pronouns applied to me. However, I do have a pretty set and defined gender that is in the commonly assumed binary.

In person my gender is pretty damn obvious. The way I present myself, which does align pretty well with my gender, is very clear and very deeply rooted in what is established as what my gender should generally look like. I am no doubt the gender that I identify with and this leads to people using a specific set of pronouns with me in person which is fine and all but also.

In university I joined an esports club. I did not join this club by signing up at a club fair or anything. I joined simply by joining their discord from a random QR code on a poster and signing up to tryout for one of their teams.

My legal name is androgynous. It is not feminine or masculine. My gamer tag, the most common way anybody in that club refers to anyone else because 90% of the club members have no idea who each other is in person, is also not particularly indicative of any gender.

My team tryouts were streamed, though the casters, of course, were not in call with us. Multiple times they used the opposite set of pronouns than the ones most commonly used for me.

In other online spaces where people have not seen me and only have this little slime to go by, the pronouns get silly as people just sort of make assumptions and run with them because, well, I have no reason to correct them: there's nothing to correct. I'm just a little slime. Whatever you want to project onto the slime is up to you and I don’t really care.

And it's interesting, because this specific view of having experienced people looking at me ot whatever persona they have of me, and just picking a set of pronouns, has fundamentally changed how I view my gender and attempt to explain it.

Yes, I am my agab, but I am my agab in a way where it's like a set of clothes and I just don't really like the others. Like I could change out of it if I really wanted to but I like this one the most so I keep it. But behind it I'm just a little slime. And you can project whatever idea of a gender you think I am onto me and I'll just nod and move along because it's whatever. I'm a slime.

Like I'm still my agab and a person but man I am just a person, you know? I wouldn't call myself nonbinary because I do identify very heavily as my agab but also like. If that's not what you see I'm not bothered by it?

Idk. Gender is weird and it's pride month.

Happy pride <3

[thesixthstar]

Ughhhhh posting this here because I have a tumblr tag instead of a dream journal and usually that’s fine and I’m good posting incredibly personal shit online for various levels of strangers/friends etc but uhhh if we hang out IRL please don’t read this one.

Fucking DEEPLY upsetting and stressful dream today that I’m hoping the details of it don’t mean anything specific.

In the dream I lived in an apartment building instead of my house, but still lived with my partner and one of our actual housemates, just like irl. I think we had a fourth housemate who isn’t our Actual IRL 4th housemate but it wasn’t important for the dream.

What WAS important for the dream is that my existing housemate J kept acting like a creep to me, and then would find excuses to get everyone else out of the house and rape me. Luckily for me this dream was fade-to-black before things Overtly Happened, which is USUALLY but not always the case when I dream things with sexual content. But as dreams do you get the info without the experience and it’s some emotional fuckery either way. But anyhow he would rape me and then after the cut-to-black would taunt me about how no one would believe me, and he threatened me against doing anything to stop him, and the dream kept going through scenarios where I would try to be alone with anyone but him but he would find a way to show up whenever I tried to find someone to help me. And every time someone’s back was turned he’d give me a Look, either evil grin like “haha you thought you could end this” or threatening like “don’t you dare” and idk what was stopping me from telling someone when I was around him from the Logic of the dream but I was just really scared, and when they left and we were alone again he’d cut-to-black rape me again. These scenes were presented back-to-back in the dream but I think they were meant to be spread out over some amount of time. He would let me be totally alone by myself but any time someone showed up or I got someone to come over he’d show up and I’d just have to pretend to be fine and then he’d punish me for trying to get help. He was also making sure I never had my phone when he wasn’t around so I couldn’t call or text anyone about it. At some point in the dream I managed to get my phone somehow and texted my partner “help me” and then J caught me with my phone and that’s around where I woke up.

There was no resolution to the dream and it’s upsetting even writing it down again. I haven’t been particularly extra stressed or depressed or anything lately and in fact have been having a pretty nice week, so I don’t get why I’m having such an awful dream rn. This housemate has never been creepy or threatening to me in ANY way irl and nor has anyone else been that he might have been a stand in for. I’m hoping the reason my brain cast him as the rapist in my dream is just because he’s really good at acting villainous (he’s the DM for one of our dnd games and plays some delightfully fucked up villains and is very good at it), because I don’t know anyone else who has ever given me Evil Grins before so perhaps my brain just needed anyone who I had seen giving an Evil Grin (as most of my dreams are pretty unexpressive when ot comes to people showing emotions)

Ugh and I feel gross and I wish I didn’t remember some of this dream so vividly because even if there was no visual sexual imagery, the whole thing was tinged with power and control and helplessness. I can see his face fucking grinning at me and feel how frozen-in-fear I was in the dream. I am DEEPLY hoping that either the dream will fade by the time I get dressed and go downstairs, or that my expert skills in being Casually At Arms Length will help me not have to Be Weird around J until I can forget all about it.

ETA: god fucking damnit I just remembered I have to go ask him opinions about Craigslist furniture today hope I can look him in the face fml 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

On the bright side I’m sleeping over at my moms tonight so hopefully by the time we get to dnd on Sunday I’ll be Normal again

Update: went grocery shopping with partner before he came home so i Became Normal during that time - can apparently continue this Being Normal despite still remembering the dream.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: physical abuse, emotional abuse, attempted/planned (unsuccessful) murder, mention of injuries and sexual abuse, and idk what else to tag but this one is really dark, sorry

could you tag this as <Rot> so I can find it later? Thanks!!

I've sent in a think or two before, but idk if you'd remember me. Basic run down: my birth parents abused me heavily before my birth mother's boyfriend nearly killed me (broken bones, skull fracture, eyes swollen shut/blinded, spine messed up, stuff like that.

idk if I mentioned it last time but one of the things they did to me was hit me and tell me to cry, because they thought it was hilarious when I cried. But when they were high or drunk sometimes they'd punish me for making noise, so I wasn't really allowed to learn to speak or make noise unless I was crying and in pain for their enjoyment. I probably mentioned last time that the closest thing to a parent I had was a cat? The last thing I sent in wasn't tagged with a nickname so maybe you won't remember. But basically, they were horrible parents.

Also need ot mention that my adoptive mother is... off. She believes in alternative medicine and deprived me of physical, emotional, psychological and social health and care once I was adopted, and basically raised me with the idea that "everything that happens is something I planned and want, even if it's out of my control or done by others" while knowing some of the other foster kids would try to beat me, kill me, or a few times rape me.

But she also runs a business based off her alternative medicine advice and stuff, and she probably is experiencing heavy delusions but she says it's like the same thing spiritual leaders had in the past (being visited by other beings and given knowledge) so who knows lol.

SO yesterday we were talking about something relating to her friend because she sometimes shares her friend's dramas with me, and changed the subject to things that happened in our lives and eventually that changed to my experiences with my birth parents. My mother told me something I had thought a few times but didn't really know, which was that my case was so bad that it was one of the worst ones they'd gotten from where I live. To the point that during the custody case the judge left partway through the first day (it was supposed to be 3 days) and made his choice right then.

The other thing she told me was something I never knew, and before I say what it was I need to tell you why she kept talking. She tries to "fix me" through energy work, and this was another moment where she was doing that because she recognized that the topic made me uncomfortable, even though "I was aware it was in the past and it happened so long ago that it should have no impact, and that I'm stupid for having full on body sensations of pain (in the leg that was broken) when certain triggering topics are discussed". You know, stuff like that.

I'm not very good at expressing emotions, but she says she can "sense my discomfort" and kept talking in a LOT of detail in this conversation about my birth parents BECAUSE it made me uncomfortable. The more uncomfortable I got the more detail she'd use, and she was speaking in a very conversational/nonchalant way so it was really awkward and I couldn't leave or tell her to stop because she's gotten mad/upset at me in the past for doing that or tells me it's signs that "that's the living conditions I crave to live in" and stuff like that.

OKAY SO the thing that really shook me was that she told me that after my birth mother's boyfriend beat me to near death, the reason I wasn't taken to the hospital for 3 days after wasn't because they left me to die. It was because my birth mother was debating on where to bury my body. She had previously known her boyfriend was abusive and took measures to protect herself, but not me because she loved him more than me (not surprised there lol).

They dragged my body around the house while I was blinded, bleeding, with full on broken bones and a fractured skull (with brain damaged that was never checked on later??) and acted like nothing was wrong because it was either I'd be better and they could pretend he didn't nearly kill me, or bury my body because they didn't want him to get caught.

Eventually the protective services got wind and I don't know who got them involved but I was practically dead at that point.

And I know it's stupid or weird that that new knowledge shook me so much but I almost think it's better that I thought they left me for dead because like all the other bad things people did to me, I was left alone after. And through being left alone you can figure out how to help yourself. But knowing that she was basically dragging me around like a broken doll and planning where to bury me makes me feel ill.

I've always known that I wasn't a wanted person and over 4 people have tried to legit kill me so like I've known I'm not exactly life's favourite person lol (admittedly most of them were foster siblings that weren't very good at (attempted) murder, but still intent and having to fight for my life makes it seem serious in my mind). But knowing that there was intent even past the moment of violence, and that it wasn't just a violence of passion makes me so much more uncomfortable and grossed out.

I can't help but wonder how close she was to actually burying me? was it purely my determination to not die that stopped her from doing it? was she waiting all those days for my last breath?? Was she planning on burying me alive? I wouldn't doubt it, since I'd been put on an inhaler from the government doctor because she smoked so much i was literally suffocating from lack of oxygen among other things, but still..

Does she regret it? was she too high and/or drunk to even remember it? Was her boyfriend telling her to do it? It adds a whole new level ot my fear of being blind/not seeing, because it wasn't just that I was blinded and left ot die, but I was blinded and dragged around in pain and nearly dead while people planned to finish me off, and I was just too stubborn to die.

sorry if this is too long or messy, I just feel surprised and disgusted and shocked at this new knowledge, and it makes me feel so much worse knowing that my birth mother HAS had other kids and they were removed from her for farfarfarfar less. Her two older kids were given away because the government was concerned about her lack of job, drug use, and unstable family situation, all which I experienced and worse and the governemnt said it was no big deal if I was there. And she apparently had another kid 5 or so years after me that was a amab boy, and apparently ""all she wanted was a boy"" and got clean from drugs, a new home and support system and all that because he was the "kid she wanted and was waiting for" (to add, I'm a nb trans guy, so :/ )

But for me I had to survive years of abuse both physical and emotional, starvation, suffocation, being used as other people's entertainment, and on top of all that nearly killed and everything else that came with that experience just for a sliver of the mercy those kids/siblings had. I mean I knew I was the black sheep so to speak, but it hurts knowing she cared so much more about them than she ever did me, which is stupid I know..

Sorry for the rambling, I hope you have a good day, <rot>

Hi rot,

I do remember you. I'm so sorry about what you've been through. That is absolutely horrible and you don't deserve to be treated like this. It is understandable that the recent revelations about your birth mother's intentions have disturbed you.

Please know that you deserve to set boundaries and have them respected. Just because you set a boundary doesn't mean you enjoy it being violated. The actions and choices made by your mom do not define your worth as a person. You are not responsible for her actions, and you deserve care, support, and healing.

Also it's not at all weird or stupid to be so shocked by learning that information, because it is very grim and could have drastically changed the course of events that transpired. But I also think that while it's natural and understandable to wonder things like how close she was to burying you, it's ultimately not healthy to ruminate about certain details like that, especially around such a distressing event.

It sounds like your biological mom was extremely manipulative, even when looking at how she seemingly blamed being abusive on her children being AFAB, which isn't an excuse. But please know that it's understandable to have mixed feelings towards her, as she was of course your mother, so to some degree it makes sense to yearn for her affection despite everything she put you through.

I'm not sure if we've suggested this to you previously so forgive me if so, but It may be helpful to seek the guidance and mediation of a mental health professional, such as a therapist. If you can access or afford it, a therapist can help you process these recent revelations and work through the emotional impact they have had on you, but also help you digest your trauma as a whole and heal with the assistance of an expert.

Please know that it's okay to feel a range of conflicting emotions, and reaching out for support from trusted friends, loved ones, or mental health professionals can be valuable during this challenging time. It's important to be patient and gentle with yourself as you continue on your healing journey.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[hayden-christensen]

this is such a random ass question but like how do you keep your blog organized?

i'm trying to create a better tags system on my blog, it's mostly star wars and some marvel, and i'm getting tripped up. like when you tag for the prequels would you include kenobi and tcw in that? if you tag for the ot trilogy, would you use that tag for star wars rebels? idk the best way to do this.

hey and no worries! this is the way I've been tagging ever since I started on tumblr and there's other ways to do so - this is by far not the only way haha.

my tags are really straightforward and I always tag my posts by what's the main focus of them. for franchises like sw and marvel, I tag the posts like this: overall franchise (eg. #star wars) > the show/movie (eg. #revenge of the sith, #the clone wars) > the character/ship (eg. #anakin skywalker). all of my tags are the full names but you can always use the acronym or anything else if you want to go fancier. for sw, I don't tag by era.

if the post is about two media and/or characters, I will tag both, however from three I'll use #prequel trilogy/trio, #original trilogy/trio, #disaster lineage etc when the set is obviously about them as a whole, and any more is just the general franchise tag or the movies/shows involved - but not the characters. I don't tag relationships as both characters - unless it's an original post for exposure.

for shows, I further tag by season with their acronym (eg. #tcw s7).

basically I think about what content I want to see when I go check a particular tag. hope this helps and you can check out my tags page here which lists all of them!

[wolfram-petanu]

was lurking through the metro 2033 tag, did you ever figure out miller told you to stare at the librarians or else youd die or did you keep dying at that part until you beat that level?

no see that's the thing, i do stare at them (i even looked up a tutorial to capnfirm that that's what im supposed to do), but it takes forever for them to actually do away, and when they finally do it takes them like 10 seconds to come back

and sometimes even that doesn't work, because you could be staring at them in one of the corridors, and they'd be walking past, and you'd touch one (1) pixel of them and they'd kill you instantly, because it's not clear enough where you're supposed to stand

and the level itself is too open, and easy to get lost in, especially the first part and especially of you're playing it for the first time (the second part is mostly fine, because you gotta 1. sneak past instead and 2. it's more closed off so you actually know where to go.). this also makes it even worse to evade them, because if you have 10 m² of open field and about 100 holes in the ceiling and floor + one of them is looking at you they could go fucking anywhere.

I've replayed metro like 10 actual times, and i always get stuck on that level, dying a minimum of 20 times before i give up on sneaking entirely, and just book it/ broot force my way through to the next savepoint

and like i said in my original post, i don't have a problem with the rest of the game, and the fact that it's a one-off is enough to not ruin the game for me, but the level is just a mess and i hate how it's designed.

and idk maybe I'm just bad, but you'd think after 10+ times of replaying the game i'd know exactly what to do by now.

((mini rant about the lore because i need to get ot out of my system: it's just a shame, because this level could have been so much better, it feels uninspired and like they wanted to put it in but eider didn't have enough time, money or a good idea for it. The librarians don't feel nowhere near as intimidating as in the book, because of how open and repetitive the area is. And arguably one of the best moments in the book is entirely skipped, this could have seriously been a way better level and im sad they didn't/ couldn't do anything with it))