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poetrusicperry · 3 years ago

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Running Towards Nothing

Chapter One

a/n: hello !! @noelliza and i fleshed out an idea about if todd came from out of state (specifically, somewhere in the southern united states) to attend welton, so i wrote it heh. i’m not sure how many parts this will be (if people like it enough for me to continue posting lol), but i have the first like... five written haha. so yes, todd is from the south (alabama) and i don’t know much about the south bc i'm from the west coast, but i tried haha. hope you guys like it !! xx

chapter summary: something in todd’s past is the reason for his family’s move, leading to a new neighborhood, a new school, a roommate he was never expecting, and an overall shift in his life.

pairing: todd anderson x neil perry

warnings: none (i don’t think there are any in this chapter, but if anyone spots something, let me know !)

word count: 2479

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If there was one thing Todd missed about home, it was the sky; the sun set differently over the rolling hills of Vermont than the grassy fields of Alabama. He was used to seeing all of the elongated, blue canvas sky that melted into bright shades of pink and orange along the horizon; there was nothing in the way of the creation, just a plain view of where the heavens met the earth. In the northeast, however, the sunset snagged on the seemingly-black pointed edges of trees and lush branches, interrupting the gradient leaving only soft blue and speckles of marigold.

But he had experienced his last Alabama sunset two days ago, and there was no going back. Not for a really, really long time (if ever). After the events of the past few months, there was no way Todd could ever show his face again, even if he really wanted to. Now, Todd Anderson and his family were living in the suburbs of Vermont, where, as his parents hoped, the past would stay hidden and they could build a new façade for the one Todd had recently, though unintentionally, demolished.

As Todd sat on the floor of his new, empty room, surrounded only by boxes and his bed (which didn’t have a box spring or frame yet), he gazed out of his window forlornly. Through the toothbrush-tipped trees that were jam packed along his new horizon, he could make out the silhouette of a church’s steeple. One that, no doubt, would be frequented by his mother and father while his brother, Jeffrey, was out of state at college, and Todd himself attended the prep school just a few blocks down the road. Out of all the cities in Vermont, Todd’s parents had picked the one with the lowest population and tourist pull, which meant not a lot of people inhabiting the city. However, on the flipside, there wasn’t a wide variety of schools to choose from. Back in Alabama, Todd had attended his local public high school, Nixon, and would have been an incoming senior there if certain... events hadn’t occurred. Instead, Todd was now forced to continue his education at what was deemed “the best all boys prep school in the United States” by his parents and surrounding boarding schools (no pressure).

Todd’s mind wandered through the recent weeks, pulling apart everything that had happened like rotten cotton candy. This was his life now: a new state, a new town, a new school, brand new everything. And yet, Todd felt stuck between wanting to start over and aching to hold onto his old life. If those five seconds could have gone differently, he’d be preparing for his first day of senior year with all his friends at Nixon. But his friends would never speak to him again, and he’d never walk the halls of Nixon High School ever again. Todd wondered what he could possibly be holding onto? There was nothing in a place he considered home and nothing in a new place that would likely never be home. So much of his past, he wanted to leave behind, but he just… knew that he couldn’t.

As he reached into the open box beside him, there was a knock on the door. When Todd didn’t answer, the door cracked open, revealing the familiar face of his older brother.

“Hey, I was going to go on a drive around town, maybe see some of the cool hangout spots if you wanted to come. I know I’m leaving for school in a couple weeks, but might as well check out some places anyway?”

Jeff always had a way of talking to Todd gently, never with any hints of condescension in his tone. After all, Jeff was the only person in the house who ever acknowledged Todd’s existence. And after everything that had happened, Todd was certain he was no closer to gaining support from his parents than a couple months prior; in fact, he’d been quite sure he was further from garnering any cent of respect, let alone support.

“Oh, uh… right now?” Todd spoke, barely above a whisper. He knew he didn’t need to feel embarrassed or nervous around Jeff, but that’s just how things were for him now. Anything he said or did felt… wrong, and he didn’t know how to fix it.

“Yeah, I think Mom and Dad went to pick up some dinner, so I was just thinking that we could head out for a few minutes. Maybe get a little familiar with town and stuff,” Jeff smiled at Todd, his perfectly straight teeth somehow still gleaming in the darkening light of Todd’s room, “Come on, I know you probably don’t feel up to it, but it’d be better than sitting in here while it progressively gets darker,” Jeff attempted to joke, laughing slightly.

Todd gave him a half smile, half grimace, “Alright. Think I need a jacket?”

“Want to drive with the top down, so probably,” Jeff smiled, smacking the doorway and turning down the hallway, “Leaving in five!” he called down the hall as he went.

While they rode leisurely around town, Todd kept his head mostly turned to the side, leaning his cheek on his arm and taking in all the things they drove past. Lots of houses on moderate pieces of land lined the streets; they were nothing like the spacious farms and open pastures of Alabama. Up until recently, Todd had always considered the south home. But truth be told, he wasn’t sure what home was anymore.

“Oh, sweet, Todd, look! There’s an arcade!” Jeff patted Todd’s shoulder with the back of his hand as he cruised down the street. The big neon lights were hanging over a brick building spelling “GAMES & POOL.” It looked like the marquees Todd had seen of New York City in the magazines. He just nodded at his brother’s sentiment as they pulled up to the red light. Glancing up at the bright sign once more, his gaze was torn away when the door to the arcade opened, revealing five lanky boys spilling out onto the sidewalk.

“I told you I was going to beat the high score and you punks didn’t believe me!” one with sandy hair said, walking backwards and facing his friends. His face was twisted into a mischievous grin and his voice ricocheted across the street as the boys seemed to be making their way to the movie theatre a few doors down.

“Charlie, no one cares that you beat the high score,” the tallest one replied; Todd noticed he had a flattop haircut, which is something no one in Alabama would have ever had; Todd thought it looked neat. The flattop’s sentiment earned a chuckle from all the boys, but a particularly loud laugh from a tall, dark-haired boy standing toward the front of the group. He wore beige slacks and a tucked in red flannel with black and white hi-top Chuck Taylor’s. And Todd noticed his dimples were deep into his cheeks while he laughed. As the boys walked down the sidewalk to the theatre ticket vestibule, the light turned green and Jeff began to drive. As the car passed the group, the dark-haired boy looked up and locked eyes with Todd.

“Neil, still five for Gidget?” the ginger one with glasses said. The dark-haired boy (who Todd could now assume was Neil) held Todd’s gaze for a couple more seconds before tearing his eyes away and nodding at his friend. Todd’s cheeks were ablaze as Jeff drove further away. Trying to not move his head, Todd simply looked back at the boys in the side mirror until they were simply blobbed figures standing under the light of the theatre.

When Todd and Jeff arrived home, their parents’ car was in the driveway, and the light in the kitchen was on.

“Hope you’re hungry,” Jeff turned to Todd as he switched the engine off. He just looked at Jeff blankly; his appetite had still not returned, so he didn’t feel hungry much anymore, “I know I am,” Jeff smiled, ruffling Todd’s hair and easing the tension between them. He nodded a little bit and opened the door, Jeff doing the same. As Jeff made his way up the steps, Todd trailed behind him, not wanting to be the first person his parents saw.

“Jeffy, is that you?” his mother’s voice called from the kitchen.

“Yeah, Mom, we just went to check out the neighborhood a bit,” Jeff called, slowing his pace, falling into step with Todd and slinging his arm around his little brother’s shoulder.

“Dinner’s on the table, dear,” she replied as the boys walked into the dining room.

“Smells good, Ma,” Jeff smiled, taking his seat at the table after patting Todd’s shoulder. Todd sat down tentatively and stared at the spread in front of him. His parents had gotten KFC for the second night in a row, and Todd was about as excited as he was the first time (that being not at all).

“I know we had it last night, but it really just reminds me of the food back home,” his mother said, pulling her napkin into her lap.

“You boys eat up, now,” his father said, gesturing to the bucket of chicken and sides in front of the pair. Jeff grabbed his food, and took extra care to offer Todd all of the things he picked up for himself. While their parents busied themselves in a conversation about the pie their neighbors had dropped off, Jeff nudged Todd lightly,

“Look, I know you’re not hungry, but have a biscuit at least, okay?” he muttered and held one out to his younger brother. Todd took it hesitantly, put it in the middle of his plate, and stared at it, “Come on, Todd. Please,” Jeff mumbled again.

“What’s that, Jeffrey?” his father turned to him.

“Oh, nothing, Pop, just telling Todd to have some dinner,” Jeff smiled small. Todd’s father looked at him with disgust.

“Eat,” he grunted. At the timbre of his father’s voice, Todd flinched slightly and picked off a part of the biscuit to nibble on while the conversation turned to Jeff’s plans for the fall semester. Fading into the background (as usual), Todd tuned out the conversation and focused really hard on his white Chuck Taylor’s, getting a flash of the tall, dark-haired boy’s face in his mind. Neil. Shaking his head slightly, Todd adjusted his gaze to the plate in front of him and waited for another painful dinner to end.

When the summer had wound down and the weeks in Vermont had become more familiar, Todd’s parents had busied themselves with getting Jeff ready for dorm move-in and paying little, if any, attention to Todd. Currently, Todd was up in his room, preparing for convocation the next day. Jeffrey had left the past Thursday, driving up on his own. He had told Todd to not take everything so seriously and to do the best he could (because he knew that Todd was capable of a lot of things). He also mentioned that he was just a call away if Todd ever needed anything (he wrote his telephone number onto a scrap of paper). Todd had searched the arcade and the theatre a couple times in the hopes of running into the group of boys he had seen on their second night in town, but to no avail.

Sitting in front of the mirror, Todd analyzed himself. His hair had grown out kind of long, and his mother hadn’t taken him to get it cut, so he’d have to deal with that, but everything else looked normal. Things certainly didn’t feel normal, but he was used to the discomfort by now. The only thing he was truly worried about was his stupid accent. He’d spent the last few weeks hanging around diners and spots with Jeff, and hadn’t heard a single southern accent. He knew his drawl would just make him appear stupid to all these super educated kids, so he’d put a lot of effort into controlling it. He was actually doing okay at it, he just needed to make sure he didn’t slip up. Todd didn’t need any aspect of his personality or appearance to be called attention to. He got up from the floor and crawled into bed, dreading what the next day and year would bring.

Convocation turtled by, two hours of sitting in a church pew and listening to some headmaster spout of statistics that Todd didn’t care about. As far as he was concerned, he wanted to finish his senior year and get the hell out of here; Todd had always wanted to go to California, but his parents told him it was a pipe dream (“After the stunt you pulled in Alabama, we won’t be funding your college anywhere!” his father had yelled).

“Ah, Mr. Anderson, is it?” the headmaster questioned when it was Todd’s turn to be introduced after the ceremony.

“U-uh, yes sir,” he mumbled.

“Well, we don’t normally take public school transfers, but you will fit in well here. Any major problems you let me know,” he shook Todd’s hand rather harshly.

“Thank you, sir,” he nodded and moved along.

Feeling his chest start to tighten, Todd made his way out onto the grass where he sat down against a tree and waited for his parents. After an uncomfortable and awkward goodbye with them, he roamed the grounds a little bit, practicing his newly-fashioned accent quietly to himself. As he rounded a corner to the courtyard, he bumped shoulders with a boy, and turned to apologize, dead-set on making his southern accent unknown (or as unknown as it could be).

“Ope- sorry about that,” the boy laughed nervously. When Todd looked up at him, it was the boy from outside the arcade all those weeks ago. Shit.

“S-sorry,” Todd mumbled. The boy nodded a little bit.

“It’s all good. I’m Neil Perry,” he smiled, holding out his hand, seemingly unaware or forgetting of the fact that they’d seen each other before.

“Todd Anderson,” he manipulated his tongue to sit flatter in his mouth, so as not to let slip his Alabaman background. He had trouble looking into Neil’s eyes, but when he got a good look, he realized they were dark, dark brown and incredibly deep.

“Oh, that’s you? I think that makes us roommates,” Neil said, patting Todd on the shoulder. Oh no, Todd thought, his cheeks flushing. Stop it, he thought to himself and cleared his throat.

“Oh… cool,” Todd nodded a little bit and pursed his lips.

“I gotta get going. See you soon!” he patted Todd’s shoulder again and took off in the direction he had been going when Todd bumped into him.

Yep, Todd sighed. This is going to be a long year.

tagging some people (especially those of you who said i should post this heh): @queertoddanderson @babytoddanderson @cupiiid @justarandompjofan @charliedaltonofficial @pretentious-strikes @aedan-mills

and a big thank you to @noelliza as always bc she’s the best and reads all my stuff before i even think about putting it anywhere on the internet lol <3

#dead poets society #anderperry #neil perry and todd anderson #todd anderson #neil perry #angelina writes

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zukkaoru · 3 years ago

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shhh i’m not on my phone at work got a second wHAT

35:) ramble to me, babe

35. ramble about any fic-related thing you want

corey this is so vague i don't even know where to begin skjgdfhdj uhhhhh what do i want to ramble about,,

WAIT OKAY I GOT IT

okay so back in like. february i think i did another ask game like this and someone (jo?? maybe???) sent an ask about meta/foreshadowing/hidden references for this ultraviolet morning light and at the time, only the first two(?) chapters were out so i couldn't talk about the foreshadowing, bc it was all leading up to the end of chapter six. but i can talk about it now bc the whole fic is up!!

i'll put it under the cut bc i know it'll be long + spoilers for those who haven't yet read tuvml

fic writer ask game

okay so first. all of the foreshadowing for the drowning scene. maybe i did already have a list of these in my google docs in case anyone every asked, maybe not, i won't say

anyway. i added in water/drowning imagery with zuko specifically in this fic, because of the drowning scene, and especially bc in the atla world, water imagery would generally be used with characters from the water tribes rather than someone from the fire nation. so it wasn't just me liking water-related words and shoving them onto zuko for no reason; it was intentional

chapter one:

- He really can’t think of anything more beautiful than Zuko drenched in moonlight - This is what fire feels like when doused with water. - It burns like fire consuming Sokka’s entire body, like he’s been dunked underwater and the surface has frozen over and his lungs are about to give out, but he’s going to keep hitting the ice anyways like he’s strong enough to break it.

chapter two:

- It washes over his body all at once, like a wave pulling him under the surface of the ocean, until his limbs are numb and tingly and his head sways. He’s completely frozen in place, eyes staring straight ahead but not really seeing anything. - He would’ve rather stood across from Azula in the Agni Kai arena and let her shoot him full of lightning, rather been dropped in the middle of the ocean

chapter three:

- Zuko searches the tumultuous ocean that is his mind for the right words - Zuko was telling them about Azula never quite getting the knack for swimming despite their annual vacations to Ember Island when they were little, and Sokka was so happy.

chapter four:

So he lets the words sink, lets them drown in the knowledge that he no longer has the right to talk to Sokka in the same way he used to.

chapter five:

The moonlight pours over him, drowning him in a soft white glow.

chapter six:

But…my doctors have told me that spending the rest of your life letting yourself drown in guilt isn’t going to help anyone.

also, people picked up on vai being a double agent, but no one picked up on the fact that she was a waterbender, even though i did hint at that too:

- Her brown skin is almost as dark as Sokka’s and her face and arms are covered in freckles. - It reminds Sokka of himself a little; the bright blue eyes of a waterbender but no bending ability to speak of. - How can you get better than a play with dragons, a star-crossed love affair, sun and moon symbolism, and a villain who has a secret past that ties them to the protagonist?

beyond that, there are also a lot of parallels/call backs to previous chapters/foreshadowing to future scenes just in general. the funniest one (and also completely unintentional one) is probably sokka and katara calling each other their least favorite [sibling]

“You’re my least favorite sister,” // You are, and I say this from the bottom of my heart, my least favorite brother ever. chapter 1 // epilogue

but there are. several more. and i'm not sure how many of them people picked up on so i will add them all bc i love them <3

Zuko would get himself arrested, kidnapped, killed, whatever if it would keep Sokka safe. // “I would give my life for [Zuko] without a second thought.” … “But would he do the same for you?” chapter 4 // chapter 6

When Sokka’s hand began to retreat, Zuko had reached forward, grabbed it, and whispered, “Please stay.” // “Don’t leave me.” Sokka says it like a prayer … like he would repeat it until he couldn’t remember anything else if it meant Zuko would keep holding him. “Just… stay.” chapter 5 // chapter 7

So they sit - Sokka and Zuko - on the roof of some abandoned building in the outskirts of the city. // “But now I’m pretty sure we’re just destined to be Sokka and Zuko” chapter 5 // chapter 7

“I just don’t think he’s trustworthy enough for this. … when he proves that he isn’t as reliable as you think - when he proves that he’s only ever going to let you down - I’m going to say I told you so.” // “Zuko is kind, and he is trustworthy and reliable. He’d never purposefully let me down” chapter 3 // chapter 6

this ^ was one i was hoping people would pick up on bc it makes the drowning scene/sokka pleading for vai to not hurt zuko that much angstier, but i'm not sure anyone did so now i'm putting those lines right next to each other so you're all forced to confront the pain <3

Is he still in love with Zuko? Is being in love enough? // But what good is any of that? Love isn’t always enough. // “It doesn’t matter who or where feels like home, it doesn’t matter if we’re in love. When you’re next in line for the throne, love isn’t enough.” chapter 3 // chapter 4 // chapter 6

Zuko warms his other hand on instinct, and apparently it was a good call because Sokka squeezes it tighter and presses closer to Zuko. “I forgot my mittens at home,” // I love you doesn’t always take the shape of those three words. … Sometimes, it’s Have you eaten today? or Don’t forget your mittens again! chapter 1 // chapter 6

this ^ is also one i thought people might pick up on but idk if anyone did or not. but it made me🥺🥺 when i wrote it

[religion tw for the last part]

okay i could leave it there but corey gave me an excuse to ramble and i've made the post this long anyways so one more thing! i explained this to corey a while ago when we were having dinner together but i find it very funny so i'm sharing it with all of you i say like anyone has actually read this far

i accidentally made zuko a Christ Figure in tuvml

"but grace, surely that's not possible," you say. "surely there's no way zuko is a christ figure! there aren't any christian themes in tuvml. you didn't even have anyone try to convince vai to forgive zuko or have anyone convince zuko and sokka that they should forgive vai! how could you have a christ figure in your fic???"

let me set the scene. it's 2019, you're a senior in high school, and you decided to take ap literature for the possibility of college credit. your teacher has this book called how to read literature like a professor that he has his classes read chapters from, and one of those chapters talks about Christ Figures in literature. one of those chapters also talks about baptism symbolism, and mentions how oftentimes, characters who are christ figures will go through a baptism of some sort - being "born again" after a scene where they come out of the water

do you want to know what zuko does in this ultraviolet morning light?

he goes into the water. and then he comes back out.

and do you want to know what i had sokka say about zuko shortly before he took a dive into the baptistry water?

Zuko looks away from him, resigned, like he’s ready to die as atonement.

see. i grew up Christian, i went to church every sunday and i have spent the majority of my life memorizing Bible verses either for awana or bible quizzing and. sometimes i just drop biblical words into my writing sometimes bc they're words i've heard since i was a kid, and they're words i learned make you sound smarter at church. so of course i throw them around while writing. i use them in essays, i use them in poetry, and i use them in fan fiction.

so was i trying to make zuko a christ figure in my fic? absolutely not.

but i had sokka say he looked ready to die as atonement (for the sins of his people), and then i had him go into the water, nearly die, and have to be "brought back to life" by suki's cpr, being "born again" after a "baptism" and

well

accidental christ figure zuko i guess

anyway. this went on for a while and i'm not sure anyone bothered reading all of it which. valid.

thank you corey for letting me ramble skjdgfdjgh i'm not sure this is coherent, nor should it have all been in one post, but whatever

#i am off to eat dinner now but please feel free to send in more questions!!#this ultraviolet morning light #rising sun verse #ily corey <3 #this got very long but i'm not really surprised tbh #ask game #corey tag

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period-dramallama · 4 years ago

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Spanish Princess Episode 5: many many thoughts

Strap yo selves in

-WHERE WAS THE APOLOGY?? Lina’s just back with Catherine like nothing happened??

-Katherine, I get why you’re upset, but you kind of should be unsurprised?? Your dad was unfaithful to his wife, most kings were. Henry VII and Richard III were the exceptions, and even they had illegitimate sons before their marriages. Many kings also had official mistresses that everyone knew about, so by the standards of the time Henry and Bessie are actually being pretty tactful in at least trying to keep their affair out of sight. (Sexy dancing aside).

-Honestly it would have been so much more moving if KoA was like “I know kings take mistresses...but I thought...I was so sure... he would be different...”

-”they gave me a purse of gold!” It’s expected that you give the monarch lavish presents, lmao Ursula and Stafford would do that even if they hated each other and you

-”everybody loves a masque” the only sensible thing Henry has said so far in this show. Also court probably had way more masques than we see in the show, and it would standard to have a masque every holiday.

-”she is not a boy” hurry up with your character development and learn to love Mary already i am so TIRED of this miserable BS

-seems a rather depopulated masque? If the Chateau Vert pageant is anything to go by putting on a masque was a court activity, with most of the ladies performing.

-Bessie Blount in her cute masque costume... sweet mother i cannot weave Aphrodite has overcome me with GAAAAAAAAAAAAY

-”I never enjoyed carousing...my mother scolded me” look i love the Neville sisters with my whole heart but a) Margaret was 3 at most when her mother died, how does she remember her? She’d have clearer memories of her double-uncle and double-aunt, Richard III and Queen Anne b) Isabel Neville in the White Queen was established as very prim and proper, a well-bred girl who cared about enforcing decorum, she refused to ‘carouse’ and she certainly would never bring a 3 year old to a party c) we saw little Margaret as a girl at the end of the White Queen and she didn’t seem at all shy.

-”she died young, didn’t she” ...yes? most people did?

-”they both did” understatement of the year. Isabel Neville died young because she was ill, George died young (in the universe of The White Queen, at least) BECAUSE HE WAS FORCEFULLY DROWNED IN A VAT OF MALMSEY WINE. THESE TWO THINGS ARE NOT THE SAME! I do at least trust the writers of this show that the understatement was intentional, I’m sure even Emma Frost couldn’t forget a major character getting violently drowned.

-So the court only noticed the plague when one of their own got it so obviously and then died? Yes, plague could move fast, but if there was a whiff of plague the court would flee with the speed of the Looney Tunes road runner. If an acquaintance of an acquaintance of a cook had a cousin who saw someone with the plague, the court would flee to the country. How have these people not died of terminal stupid?! Like Compton was in the same building as the heir to the throne

-To be fair, it makes sense that they’re surprised Compton’s dead. Because the real Compton died of the sweating sickness. In 1528. Also he was involved in Buckingham’s downfall so... you just wrote yourself into a corner.

-Oh wow an actual good reason for More and Pole to be quarantined together i am amaaaaaazed

-”attend the queen” Boleyn, what do you think your daughter’s been doing all season if not attending the queen? Playing tetris?

-Katherine helping Anne into the wagon...I actually like that little moment. Like it does make sense, because the two have no reason to hate each other yet. (And who couldn’t like Anne? She’s such a babby!)

-Thomas More in the Tudor equivalent of casual clothes... much better. Shame about the 1930s lady’s wig.

-”what else should we do?” Maggie, this cannot be the first epidemic you’ve ever lived through. Have you forgotten the sweating sickness of 1485? You’ve probably lived through more epidemics than Oviedo has, you should know the protocol better than him.

-Oviedo continues to be the only man with rights. I wish we could see him crying and missing his wife and babies, but then my lil heart would break so maybe it’s for the best.

-They burn Maggie’s weird blue hood AS THEY SHOULD! IT WAS UGLY AND STUPID! I NEVER HAVE TO LOOK AT IT AGAIN NOW! THANK YOU SO MUCH! yes they also burned her nice dress with the strawberries on it but honestly it’s worth it, bc now i can rest easy, knowing the evil hood has been defeated.

-”you were a plaything” Katherine is so obviously insecure. I’m getting second-hand embarrassment. Like if she really was certain Bessie wasn’t important, she wouldn’t need to say it, would she? Except to rub it in. Which this KOA would absolutely do.

-literally all Bessie said was good morning?? Like Bessie is doing her best?? The masque was Henry’s idea, not hers, she hasn’t shown off about her affair, she hasn’t demanded money or titles, she hasn’t demanded any status to rival Katherine’s, she doesn’t flirt with or even speak to Henry when Katherine’s around, she acts like they’re strangers, she doesn’t even react when Katherine loses her temper...someone please please stick up for Bessie!

-”the rocking of the cart is unsettling to the stomach” is Anne naive, or is she covering for Bessie? I hope it’s the latter, in which case Anne is the one person looking out for Bessie...the babby is Soft, I repeat the babby is Soft!

-the irony of Mary being cold to Bessie when she’s next in the firing line...

-”it is not the rocking” Thank you Lina, where would we be without your gift for stating the obvious?

-”where did Wolsey get his money”...He’s a churchman...at the top of the church hierarchy...how do you fuckin think he got wealthy. Have y’all not been in the sixteenth century for five minutes? Why do you think Luther is so mad at the church?

-”I know of no other man in her bed most nights” Honestly wow I’m surprised KoA wasn’t like “well :/ a girl like that :/ who knows how many men process in and out of her bed :/” KoA gets half a point for being less bitchy than usual. Also Bessie looked so uncomfortable with Henry groping her stomach in front of Katherine. I pray the next man in her life treats her right and that Fraham don’t prematurely kill her off like they did with Compton.

-”the future king” if you’re regent on his behalf, then he’s already king! “Civilised companionship” back at it again with the Scots-are-barbarians.

-Laura Carmichael is utterly stunning this episode, with her hair down. The cinematography was beautiful in general this week.

-”freedom to speak and licence to speak are two different things” hey look at that one of Thomas More’s actual beliefs. I am giving all the credit to the historical advisor for that, I don’t believe for one second Fraham knew that beforehand.

-Maggie I love you but no, God does not sanction adultery. For any reason.

-KOA smirking and gloating about Bessie’s pain...she has never been so punchable. I would understand, if not condone it, if Bessie was manipulative, or greedy, or ambitious, or trying to supplant Katherine. But Bessie’s been betrayed by Henry too, and there’s no concrete evidence she ever gloated about her affair, to anyone let alone Katherine.

-”You think only of your own fate while London is struck down with plague” Earth to Katherine?? What concern have you shown for the Londoners?? Also calling Bessie selfish...Bessie’s not the one who lashed out at Lina, was jealous at Lina for having twin boys, and who wanted to continue a war for personal reasons. And then Bessie proves KoA wrong 5 hot seconds later by sticking up for Mary. Bit rich of KoA to be all “how dare you leave my daughter unattended” when she herself won’t even hold Mary.

-”Louis didn’t last a year” What! Is! The Timeline!

-Meg in that cloak reminds me of the Scottish Widow adverts. Georgie is so greedy- she steals every single scene she is in! Even when she’s raging she has more dignity and more presence than KoA ever has.

-”YOU LYING SOD” i burst out laughing it’s really not the little two-timing shit’s day, is it?

-Mary receiving Charlie B in the most Extra way possible. A++

-Why does Wolsey look like he’s about to cry?

-”thoughts are not actions” Lina I love you but... that is NOT what the New Testament says. Jesus said evil thoughts are very very much sins. I’ll give you a pass because maybe you haven’t been Catholic as long as Katherine has? Idk your backstory.

-Aaand now she’s wishing death on Bessie and her unborn baby and Lina isn’t disgusted? At least Katherine is feeling guilty. AS SHE SHOULD.

-”must it always fall to me to be magnanimous?” Katherine, you think only of yourself, for 23 out of every 24 hours.

-”God wants me to be compassionate to Bessie because of my sins” God wants you to be compassionate because that’s how Christianity is supposed to work. It’s not very selfless of you to decide to be selfless so that you can get what you want.

-oh wow look at that! She’s getting some self-awareness, i never saw that coming.

-”you betrayed Bessie” 5 points to Katherine of Aragon for standing up for Bessie when Henry screwed her over. Finally, some positive character development.

- MINUS 20000 POINTS FOR BABY STEALING

-WHAT THE FUCK

-is henry so dumb he thinks that baby is Katherine’s? Katherine was so obviously not pregnant

-When a baby’s born his skin needs to touch his mother’s skin so they can bond. They should have at least an hour’s cuddle time. Katherine of Aragon is literally traumatising a baby the very minute he is born. For her own selfish, selfish desires.

#the spanish princess

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ao3gingerswag · 4 years ago

Text

Learning

Prompt Submission by modernurbanfantasy:

I would love some sort of future situation (if/when) Dean, Cas and Sam when they are back at the inn around how smart Sam is. Like we know how smart Sam is (and I think Dean probably does as well) and he wants to get Sam some education (in the church or in some local school) but that is obviously v difficult. So he is all sad thinking about what he would need to do to get Sam into a school and is trying to hide it from Case and then like idk Bobby or something is able to help get Sam some sort of deal with the local school bc they see how smart and talented he is. Idk just an idea.

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE OUTSIDE

To: Pastor Murphy

My name is Sam and I am 10 years old. I saw your pamflet on the phisics of momentem posted on the church bulitin borde. I liked it a lot. I am writing to you becase I think you made a mistake tho. You cubed the largest side of the triangel when I think you meant to square it. If you square it it solves the problem you were talking about. I tride to go in to tell you but the man at the door said no I cant come in becase theres no church today and only the students can go in. And I dont go to the college. I tride to say I need to see you becase you made a mistake and tride to show him but he said i dont know what your talking about. So I am writing this note and leaving it here on the borde for you.

Thank you.

-Sam

Dear Sam,

In all the years I have posted my articles on the church bulletin, I have not once received a response from the local population. I have always continued to post them regardless, just in case anyone is reading them. I was so happy to discover that my efforts have not entirely been in vain.

I have received several letters from my colleagues since the publication of my paper pointing out my error, but none have been so polite as yours. Did you know, none of my own students caught the mistake you so kindly made me aware of? Authority is the bane of progress, I often think, as it seems since I took my position none but the few others in similar positions dare to question whatever I say.

Sam, I am delighted that Whitecreek is blessed with a child as inquisitive and bright as you. It is not often that I meet ten year olds who are interested in physics, much less those who can follow my published papers. If you like physics, I would be happy to meet with you and your parents this coming Sunday to discuss the subject and the possibility of furthering your education.

I am leaving this note with the guard you spoke to last week, and have asked him to give you this letter if he sees you again. If you have another letter for me, you can leave it with him and he will pass it along. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Pastor Murphy,

The Whitecreek College of Natural Sciences

Hello Pastor Murphy,

Sorry I didnt come to the church Sunday I didnt get your letter until now. I dont live in whitecreek we only come once a month to get suplies. I live at the inn outside of whitecreek they call it the willow inn becase it is near a willow tree. Maybe you have heard of it maybe not if you dont travel.

I like everything not just phisics I like biolagy and astranomy and math and I like reading and I like learning and I like looking at bugs and plants and things in the woods. My dad didnt like it when i read tho becase he didnt know how and he said do you think your better than me. I said no but he still got mad at me. But I dont live with him anymore.

I really like learning a lot. I would like to meet you and talk about phisics and other things but I dont have parents I just have Dean and Cas. They run the inn and I help them. They said I can meet with you but Cas said to tell you that we have no money for school becase he said maybe you think I’m rich becase I can read and write but we are not rich. I learned to read by myself becase I like it. So I cant go to school and cant further my educatin like you said but I would still like to meet with you please if you want to.

Do you have any books I could look at? I like books but no one has any books. Cas has a book and he let me read it but I read it like a hundred times now and memerized it. If you have any books I could look at I would be very gratful and I would not mess them up I would be very careful. But if you dont have books or dont want me to look at them thats ok i understand i would still like to meet you please. I have a lot of questins. Like is the moon hot or cold. And lots of other things. I used to ask my dad but he yelled at me and sometimes he hit me i think especially when he didnt understand the questin.

It is better now becase Dean was always nice to me and listened to my questins and Cas I dont know him so well yet but he is nicer than dad and he hasnt gotten mad at me for asking questins yet. He says you are very smart Sam and it is good to ask questins which is nice. But even tho Dean and Cas let me ask questins alot they sometimes know the answer but usually they dont. They say you know more than me Sam. I think I do know more than them but only becase they dont know how to read I think everyone could learn everything if they just knew how to read. Thats how i learn things.

Please let me know if you still want to meet with me even tho I didnt see your letter in time. The guard said you are not here today becase you are at a lectchure about math in a diffrent city that is so exciting maybe you can tell me about it when you come back. I will be here again in four weeks I will come and maybe I can see you or maybe there will be another letter eether way thank you I am so happy.

-Sam

To: Sam, ten years old. Willow Inn, outside of Whitecreek.

Dear Sam,

I was truly overjoyed to receive your most recent correspondence. I had worried that I had scared you off or that your interest in science had faded. Clearly, these were merely the fears of an old man, who has become a bit too paranoid in his old age. I have in fact heard of the Willow Inn, and in fact I have stayed at it a few times when traveling that direction for a conference or a lecture. It has been a few years since I last had the pleasure of receiving their hospitality, but I had thought it was run by only a man and his son, who was about 13 at the time. Has the inn changed hands, since I was last there? Or has my faulty memory yet again betrayed my years?

In any case, I have sent a courier with this letter to the inn, in order to avoid missing you yet again when you again make your way into town. Sam, I am absolutely still interested in meeting you, regardless of your financial situation. Your literacy and thirst for knowledge is made all the more impressive by your lack of formal education. I will happily share all the resources I have with you, if you would like to learn. The college’s library has many books on all of the subjects you have expressed interest in. We have collections on physics, biology, astronomy, math, and several thousand others. All of these can be made available to you, and if you are as careful as you promise you will be, you can borrow almost any of them and take them home with you for the month. I would be happy to meet with you and discuss your readings when you make your regular trip to town, and could suggest which books you may want to start with, and which to continue with once you have studied those.

I am sorry that you have had difficulty in the past when you have tried to express your curiosity. Unfortunately there are many in the world who don’t care for knowledge, and resent those of us who seek it. I am glad to hear that you are now living with people who are more understanding of your interests, ignorant though they might be of them. I must say that I am struck by your optimism regarding the natural learning capabilities of the general population. I strongly agree with your statement, which I have quoted here because it means so much to me: “I think everyone could learn everything if they just knew how to read.” This is an opinion which I have always agreed with, and have been trying to convince many of my colleagues of for most of my long career. I am glad we are of the same mind in this area.

In answer to your question: Unfortunately, no one knows for sure if the moon is hot or cold. The prevailing theory currently is that it is cold. The reasoning here is that we are fairly certain it is made of stone, and stone is cold unless otherwise heated. In the absence of an internal heat source, we assume the moon is likely cold to the touch. However, we cannot know this for sure without knowing exactly what it is made of and how this material would be affected by the heat of our sun at its current level of exposure. Perhaps when you grow up, you will be able to figure this out for us.

I look forward to hearing your other questions when we meet, and I of course will be happy to share what I learned at my conference with you. If I am correctly understanding your schedule, I believe you will be in town again two Wednesdays from when this letter should reach you. I will be at the church from dawn to dusk on that day. The guard will know to let you and your family into the building, and we can discuss the possibility of further meetings then. Please give my best to your family, and I wish you the best until then.

Pastor Murphy,

The Whitecreek College of Natural Sciences

Hello Pastor Murphy,

I asked the man to wait for a minit so I can write a letter back and he said he would but I cant take forever he said so I wont. I am so excited to meet you in two weeks I am going to write all of my questins down. I am so excited to see your books I am so excited to learn. Cas said we can all come meet you together and then they will go do shoping and I can stay if thats ok or Dean can stay with me if you want. That is so intresting about the moon i didnt think about that thank you for explaneing. I will be so careful with your books if you let me take them home and I will read anything you say I should I will be good and learn fast and you will be happy you let me learn I promise I will be good and you will not regrat it. Thank you I am so excited sorry this is mesy and there are stains I am crying a lot. I would wait to write later but the man wants me to hurry up. I used to dig in the trash to find anything with words on it to read and Dean would let the man at the church do bad things to him so he could bring me pamflets sometimes. I said dont do that but he did anyway and I was always so happy to get them even tho I said dont do that. Which I felt bad about but I still read the pamflets. Anyway if you let me take lots of books home I will learn everything and I will read to Dean and Cas so they can lean too and I will be very happy. I am so excited thank you I will see you in two weeks.

p.s. i forgot to say. Cas’s dad died and now he runs the inn with Dean who is my friend.

-Sam

To: Sam Winchester, ten years old, of brown hair and brown eyes. Willow Inn, outside of Whitecreek.

Dear Sam,

I have sent the courier along once again with this letter. The suggested coursework I promised you is enclosed. I also again wanted to express how wonderful it was to meet you and your family, and how excited I am to have such a bright young man under my tutelage. Your questions were delightful, and I can only hope that I have answered them to your satisfaction.

Please do reiterate to your friend Dean that it was lovely to meet him as well, and that he will always be welcome in my church regardless of the content of his past.

I look forward to seeing you all again in person next month, and wish you the best until that time comes.

Pastor Murphy,

The Whitecreek College of Natural Sciences

Hello Pastor Murphy,

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,

Sam :)

#ao3gingerswag #asks #prompts #submissions #learning #wander home

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bekahdoesnerdshit · 4 years ago

Note

ask Two for the angst ones this time: 13 for raini, 5 (possibly will be pertinent come the end of this minicampaign) & 29 (she literally has Any Weapon w/ her pact so it's fititng) for ayen, 7 & 10 (hehe I know there's trauma in this one) for cog, and then mix and match 4, 17, 18 between Caspian, Ryker, and Brilliance bc I don't know them as well and I would Like To

My life is just below readmores now, I guess. Will I ever learn to shut the fuck up? No! And that is a promise

Raini

13. What does it take to make your character cry? Oh boy. Raini definitely isn’t a big crier, because she a) doesn’t really let herself get to that point and b) hard pivots into “angry” over “upset” and she isn’t an angry crier. She’s cried twice in game so far, and probably not many times before that. In both in game cases -and likely the always alluded to but never seen “before times”- the catalyst for her crying was being overwhelmed. In a good way, bad way, whatever, but that’s the trigger. Just- Looking at something, not knowing what else to do but let yourself cry about it, and not seeing any reason to stop yourself. (shfjsdjkfh the funny answer is: during sex. But can you IMAGINE jskdfskjdf)

Ayen

5. Would they ever turn on someone they just met in order to save themselves? Oh for sure. Without question. Not without guilt, in fairness, but without question. She’s pretty well adjusted, pretty “go with the flow”, but she did grow up in a pretty cutthroat world. She was spared from having to make those kinds of brutal decisions from a super young age by Shadow Mom, but she definitely saw the fallout of those choices and learned that, while it’s all well and good to do the “right” thing, it’s much more important to do the right thing for you. If that means condemning some stranger to die so you and yours don’t have to? So be it. Better people have done worse, because that’s sometimes just how things go. I’ll be honest! This character decision was a completely on the fly one when we were having that debate in the library about what we should do with the information we learned in the library. But I stand by it. In character, Ayen 1000% sees whatever’s going on as Not Her Business. It’s fucked up, sure! But, you know. Not her monkeys, not her circus. 29. What is their weapon of choice, and what weapon do they dislike using the most? Bro I love that Ayen doesn’t have A Specific Weapon SO much. Especially because Pact of the Blade specifically makes it so that, whatever weapon she summons, she’s proficient in while wielding it. So she sees somebody using a weapon, goes “oh! cool!” and summons it herself, and then just. Intuitively knows how to use is. How fucking funny is that conceptually?? Her go to if things are serious or she doesn’t have time to pick something obscure is a longsword. Dad uses a greatsword, and a longsword is pretty close to that! Image how cool they looked fighting off assholes, back to back, with two bigass swords? Is that the only reason it’s her favorite? No of course not!!!! That would- that would be silly. And childish. Swords are just cool is all. She hasn’t used any in game, but I think she honestly just doesn’t like any kind of polearm. It’s like, is it technically safer to be a little further from your enemy? Sure. Does it give you a small tactical advantage? Maybe so. But they’re so uglyyyy and they look weird and you have to use both hands and the balance is weird and >:( Spears can stay because you can throw them but you’re on thin fucking ice.

Cog

7. If your character was allowed to murder one person without any consequences, who would it be and why? Thank GOD Alex I wanted this one for Cog SO bad!!! Valentine WastelandGame! If you can read this! You’re a dead motherfucker!! This is for a variety of reasons including but not limited to: - Is responsible for the deaths of at least 3 separate world leaders! Uh oh! - Asked for my blood one time! To do Science on! Not cool! - Ace doesn’t like him. Enough said. - Called Ace “hotheaded” and “brutish” keep his NAME out of your MOUTH - Is fucking Maelo’s ex I think? Honestly I lost that plot on that one a little bit - Keeps taking Sunny on dates! We’re protective and Jealous?? Hard to say! We don’t have time to unpack this one let’s keep moving - Is convinced aliens exist? And are coming to attack the world? OKAY - Talks in fucking circles about philosophy and the greater meaning of “good” and “evil” in the context of the world. Like, no sir! Good is when you help people and evil is when you kill them! Except unless it’s me killing you which is going to happen because I can cast Finger of Death now and you better believe that spell has your fucking name on it. Freak boy. - Just like. Eats straight raw steak. Not Evil but really weird and probably not great for you? - Overall just a very bad slimy manipulative and stinky dude. 0/10 I’m gonna put an arcane bullet in his skull. Like. Everything Valentine does, everything she learns about him, convinces Cog more and more that the world would be a better, safer place if he wasn’t allowed to exist in it anymore. She was kinda neutral on the guy until he gave his grand speech in Cormir about how the only way to save the world is to ‘conquer and subdue it’ and tried to talk her in circles enough that she had to agree with him or seem like a hypocrite. Since then, it’s been a slow creep from “I don’t trust this man and don’t want to work with him again, even if it makes our lives harder” to “he’s dangerous and needs to be stopped” to “...if given the opportunity, I would kill him myself”. And now that she has our new friend the Shadow Demon whispering in her ear, telling her that “the world will tremble and change before her” and that she should “stride boldly, and fear not the consequences that may follow” honestly? The next time we see Valentine, he might be in trouble! 10. What were the character’s parents like? What was the affect the parents had on the character? Oh, is there trauma in this one? Is there? Alex? Is there? Maybe so!! We’re gonna talk about Cog’s dad first, because he’s a) still alive and b) I KNOW you’re fishing for more mom angst. Cog’s dad name is Conrad Grace! He’s the head of Lafaroh’s town guard, whatever that means for a town of maybe a hundred people. I feel like his day to day really consists more of making rounds to check on people than dealing with criminals, although he likely has to break up the occasional disagreement or toss somebody in the drunk tank for the night. He’s also in charge of making sure the Guardians -the gods that live deep in the swamp outside Lafaroh and protect the town in exchange for food, building supplies, the occasional corpse, and other resources- get their offerings (This is Important, because he does Stop doing that soon). He married into he Grace family (that’s RIGHT he took his wife’s last name because it’s 2021 and he’s Woke not because her family like runs the town okay moving on), initially because I genuinely believe he fell in love! They were probably pretty young, because Lafaroh is very much a Deep South Swamp Town Analogue, but I don’t think it was just a social power move. The most important Conrad fact? He told Cog that he became disillusioned with the Church when she left home, because he couldn’t imagine continuing to support something he could now see had so clearly been hurting her. And I, Rebekah, a homosexual who has had Words with my Christian parents about the way their religion has hurt me? OH buddy we were a little bit of a mess about it. DM Ryan! Don’t you know I’m projecting!! Please be more careful! (Editor’s Note: This is the moment that made me realize I was projecting. Whoopso!!) Cog’s mom name is Charlotte Grace Sr. because, I guess, we’re freaks. I hate that this makes Cog technically a junior because the thought of anyone calling her Charlotte Jr. makes me break out in hives, but it is, technically, correct. The distinction while Cog was growing up was, instead, “Charlotte” and “Charlotte Olivia” because, again, we’re southern as hell. Charlotte Sr. is, unsurprisingly, the head of Lafaroh’s church, which means she very much has more actual power than her husband does. She did love Cog, I think, but in a way that very much more felt like someone guarding an investment than raising a child, especially when Cog became a teenager. She had high, exacting expectations, and grew more distant from Cog the older she got. Whether this was an unintentional side-effect of Charlotte Sr. becoming more engrossed in the preparations necessary to allow Cog to become the “Conduit”, or whether it was a purposeful decision because she knew she would lose her daughter and wanted the sacrifice to hurt less is unclear. Cog’s dad is kinda just a dude, but we KNOW this bitch has mommy issues. I also think an important distinction to draw between the two is that while I’m willing to give Conrad the benefit of the doubt and say that he may have just wanted Cog to stay in Lafaroh when they party returned because he was worried about his daughter and wanted her home, Charlotte Sr. wanted Cog there because it was Where She Was Supposed To Be, because she had a destiny to fulfill. More than that, when Charlotte Sr. found out that Conrad had stopped sending supplies to the Guardians when Cog left and had instead been selling them to Bandits to get money to rebuild the town, she was not nearly so understanding. She accused him of heresy, and ordered for him to be, uh. Flayed alive. Which wasn’t great. It’s what got her killed ultimately; Cog had to choose between her parents, and after watching her Mama summon a shadow demon that very nearly choked the life out of Sunny? It was a choice with only one possible outcome.

Caspian

18. Would society call your character a good guy or a bad guy? What would they say they are? Caspian is. Caspian is Just a person. Like she is just out here doing her best, trying not to get killed by, idk. Pirates or ghosts or w/e. This is an endeavor that, statistically, could be going a lot better. I think the more interesting angle to look at this question from is the fact that she’s a monk from a well known monastery, and that there’s Expectations on how she conducts herself in the world as a result of that. She is Just A Person, but that’s not good enough. Not when she’s running around wearing Pelor’s holy symbol, representing his monastery, reflecting on him. For a long time, I think Caspian resented the expectation that put on her! Why can’t she just be a kid? Just a person? She didn’t ask to be raised by these monks in this kind of life. But when she left home and realized how suddenly lonely she was, there were quiet, sad moments it was easy to soften with prayer. Rekindling her relationship with her god was her way of staying connected to home, and I think it also made her want to go from being Just a Person to actually wanting to take pride in being a Good Person. And then her campaign lasted for two fucking seconds lmao so it didn’t even matter hahah! :)

Ryker

4. Has your character ever been hurt or betrayed by someone they thought they could depend on? What happened? YEAH BOY rye-bread got his SHIT handed to him lmaoooo His whole “why are you adventuring?” deal is that he fell in love with the noblewoman he was hired to escort across the country to her betrothed’s estate, and she played him like a fucking fiddle and convinced him -after her wedding, after she was pregnant with her husband’s first child and therefore heir- that she was in love with him too. But of course, because she was married, her husband would never let them be happy together. She talked Ryker into killing her husband, and promised to meet him the night he did it with horses and supplies for both of them. Anyone reading along at home with even a shred of common sense probably just said, “uh oh!” And uh oh indeed; she fully sold his ass out. There’s something emotionally devastating about slipping out of the bedroom of the man you just killed, his blood still on your hands, to find the woman you love standing between two enormous guards, but I can’t quite put my finger on what. Ryker figured out her plan in the following days he spent in a cell, awaiting execution. She didn’t love her husband, but by playing the role of grieving widow and anxious mother-to-be she could ingratiate herself with his family enough to be allowed to take control of the estate while her son, the true heir, grew up to run it. It was cruel, and clean, and if Ryker hadn’t managed to escape it would have gone off without a hitch.

Brilliance

17. Is your character afraid of death? Why/why not? Brilliance isn’t afraid of death, she’s afraid for what she’d leave behind. One of the songs on her playlist really leans into this (and I’m very excited to be posting her playlist soon! Stay tuned!), because she is terrified of what her death might do to Sienna. She never planned to become an adventurer, much less travel to the Hells to try and save an entire city. She was content, more than content, to guard Sune’s church, to help the people that came seeking her goddess’ blessing and guidance. When her city faced a sudden influx of refugees from Elturel after its destruction, she was even happy to volunteer to help the Flaming Fist keep order and root out would-be troublemakers. She never meant to get caught up in a job that would take her out of her home city, much less out of her home plane entirely. Every fight she got into in Hell, every time it seemed like she may be staring down something that might kill her, Brilliance had to swallow down the overwhelming guilt of knowing that if she died here Sienna would never know what happened to her. The image of Sienna, worried and pacing, looking toward the door to their apartment every time there was so much as a whisper in the hallway, desperate for any sign that Brilliance had come home-- It wasn’t delusions of self-importance or self-preservation that had Brilliance taking Glasya’s deal to save her from the narzugon’s clutches; it was the image of Sienna collapsing onto their bed and sobbing because she finally admitted to herself that Brilliance was never coming home. Still. Sienna needs her, but her party needs her too. They’re counting on her to be there for them, to take the big hits that they can’t handle. First one in, last one out; she doesn’t leave until everyone else is safe. She wants to survive, she wants to go home and marry the woman she loves, but she couldn’t live with herself if she did it at the cost of the life of someone who was depending on her. Brilliance isn’t afraid of death; she would die for her party members, even the ones she doesn’t particularly like. She just knows exactly what the cost of her death would be.

#sometimes.........i am a prose boy. sometimes....i write answers like 7 for cog. depends #rainivere #amnesia campaign #ayen morwraek #creepy campaign #cog #wasteland campaign #caspian #gos #ryker #brilliance #dia #syn-odics #answered #also idk if i've mentioned it before but it's very important to me that y'all know the bit about it being 2021 wasn't a joke #canonically wasteland game takes place in 2021 so folks things are Really gonna go to shit in the next four months lmao #uh oh!!#word count: 2633 #mine

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kaesaaurelia · 5 years ago

Text

up and running

For @whumptober2019 day 22: hallucination.

A continuation of/conclusion to day 2′s fic here.

This is a fic about an OC (Vehuel, Principality of Chicago) during the Great Chicago Fire. There’s also a lot of Michael, and Heaven being a generally toxic work environment.

Content warning for FIRE EVERYWHERE, major destructive disasters, and (not medically realistic -- these are angels) traumatic brain injury + treatment of same.

Vehuel made her way northward slowly, trying to help all she could without being burnt up herself, gently pushing people westward if she could. Now that she knew Michael was here she was less worried about having her miracles cut off, but the fire was spreading so quickly and there were so many people. She pushed through the crowd, keeping children with their parents, healing burns and cuts, and plaguing pickpockets with sudden fits of conscience.

People were starting to run into the lake, and Vehuel hesitated as to what to do about them, but then Michigan Avenue caught fire and there was nothing for it but to leave them there. She realized suddenly that the fire was a few blocks from North Avenue, and here she was, nowhere near the church, so she ran west, praying (in an informal way, knowing that she couldn't answer such a prayer herself) that she wasn't leaving the people in the lake to drown or boil. She remembered the crowds at the docks in Lisbon, and reminded herself that no great wave would come out of Lake Michigan. Or at least, probably not.

Michael was standing on the roof, looking out over the city in a resigned sort of way. The flames were only a block away now.

"I'm here!" Vehuel called from the ground, feeling like she was absolutely ridiculous not to be able to fly.

Michael flitted down to meet her, though. "Quite a fire," she said, and frowned. "I don't think my miracle is going to hold it off."

Vehuel, soot-stained and exhausted, could not imagine what she could possibly say to this. "But how?" she asked; those were the only two coherent words she could come up with.

Michael was silent for a few moments. "Have you heard of Peshtigo?" she asked, finally.

Vehuel shook her head.

"It was a town, but it burned down yesterday. The whole town. Two thousand people are dead."

This was not at all helping Vehuel's urge to cry. "I'm sorry."

"Well, it's obviously not your fault," said Michael, frowning at her.

It wasn't obvious to her. She should have known this would happen, it was one of her towns so of course it was going to be destroyed; she should've influenced the city government for better fire safety, or slowed building, or something.

She remembered, queasily, all those building projects she'd helped along for the sheer delight of showing up Cerviel, that smug asshole, who had a New York-centric view of the solar system. How close was Peshtigo? Should she have been checking up on that instead of indulging her stupid competitiveness?

"There've been a few other fires today," said Michael. "Near here, geographically. This is the only place of any real significance, of course, but..." Michael continued talking, but Vehuel had a hard time listening, because a town of two thousand people was of real significance to those people, and now they were all dead, and they weren't even Vehuel's people, but really, all people were Her people, so they were significant, weren't they? But Michael hadn't meant that like it sounded, of course. Michael was brusque by necessity, and very important and busy and probably shouldn't even be here, and certainly didn't have time for Vehuel's philosophizing, and she was the only person in Heaven who'd ever listened to Vehuel so really, Vehuel owed her everything. "...to hunt up any evidence of a demonic firebug. What do you think?"

"Ah." Vehuel did not panic. "I think -- that -- maybe? But it hasn't rained for a long time, and it is prairie and forest up here. Could just be natural."

"I'll keep that in mind," said Michael, and she sounded like she actually would. The fire was almost upon them, and people trailed past. Many carried belongings -- hopefully their own, but Vehuel had seen looting on her way here. "And I think it's time to evacuate this church. Go in and hold the walls, Vehuel; I'll get the people out."

Vehuel walked straight through the wall of the church, and found an out-of-the-way place in the aisles to stand and keep the walls up. She watched Michael, unseen by humans, nudging them into greater efficiency, reminding them of things they'd forgotten, keeping people from being trampled underfoot. Vehuel was good at that kind of thing, but it was a relief not to have to think just now. No quick calculations about how fast someone could run, no moral conundrums about which person to save, no care to be taken to avoid startling the horses or the humans. Just bricks to protect.

And she cried, finally, wiping tears off her face and got soot in her eyes, which made the crying worse, of course. She let down the miracle that made her seem unremarkable to human eyes anywhere she went, and put everything into the walls. A few people stared openly at her; at a guess, this mostly-German congregation did not contain many colored women who dressed in men's suits. (Eventually, a man approached her and offered her a handkerchief, which she waved off.)

The church emptied out, and Vehuel could feel flames licking at the walls. She pushed back against them, leaned into them, but it was no use, because

the church was burning and everything was on fire, everyone was on fire in their All Souls' Day finery. The ground kept shaking and the flames rushed up over the pews, and it was all Vehuel could do to save a few people from being trampled as they fled. She tried to calm the ground, foolishly, but she couldn't stop an earthquake once it had hit, and it had hit hard. Flying over the town, she saw that there were fires springing up everywhere, walls coming down, people pouring out of churches, headed to the docks -- good. They would be safe by the water, away from walls, she was certain. She tried to keep the church from falling down around them, but it was too much to ask of reality, to ignore the ground buckling beneath, and the walls came down

right on top of her, and her whole left side was -- on fire? Was that fire? She couldn't even tell anymore.

"Why didn't you leave?" someone asked her, and she didn't know what to say. There were people inside! There was an earthquake! she wanted to say, but -- but -- everything hurt so badly she couldn't think. Someone was pulling her out from under the rubble -- someone was telling her she should have run -- someone was being, frankly, very annoying, and she tried to tell them to shut up but she couldn't seem to move anything.

She decided, to preserve whatever sanity she had left, that she didn't really need to be conscious for whatever was happening now. Either she would be discorporated or she wouldn't. It was in God's hands now.

"Oh, no, you don't want to go in there," said the Archangel Michael. "That's the infinite frictionless surface, we'll never get you out of there. Looks fun, though, doesn't it? Come along, my office is this way." She smiled, and led Vehuel further into the central offices of Heaven. She caught a brief glimpse of several angels skidding across a blindingly white floor, using their wings to balance.

There were so many other angels here, and so much light; it was strange and amazing and terrifying, and so unlike her posting in the far reaches of space. Everything looked so perfect, so correct. But it also hurt her eyes, so she closed most of them.

Michael sat down behind her desk, and Vehuel tried not to fidget, sitting in the seat across from it. She stared at the nameplate. Who is like God? Definitely not me, she thought. That was the point, probably. "You had some concerns about the behavior of light?"

This was it. She could say what she'd actually come here to say, or she could talk about the wave-particle glitch. She took a breath. "Actually. It's about my supervisor? Lucifer. He's...

There was too much light, and Vehuel tried to keep her eyes closed, but somebody was standing above her, telling her to do something she couldn't quite make out.

She felt the prickle of a medical miracle settle over her, and suddenly the jibberish resolved into "Vehuel, wake up, please?"

Everything hurt like Hell and she absolutely did not want to be awake right now. Still, an order was an order. She opened her eyes, or tried to. Something was wrong. Her left eye wouldn't open. "I'm awake," she muttered. She tried to focus. Was that Raphael? Possibly. She didn't entirely remember what Raphael looked like. Honestly, it could be anyone with a face.

"Good, good," said possibly-Raphael, although she could barely hear him. "You need to be awake for a while, I have to rebuild some parts of your brain."

"Are you Raphael?" she asked. "I can't tell. He has a face, you have a face, so I'm thinking... probably?"

The angel gave her a tight, worried smile. "Yes. We've met. You're in here every few centuries."

They probably had, but Vehuel was having trouble recalling specifics. "I feel really calm about this," she said. It seemed unusual, that she should be calm.

"That tracks," said Raphael, grimacing.

"I don't remember being calm about anything, ever," she said. "I think maybe I was calm once in 1450 BC, and then my island exploded. Should I be concerned? That doesn't seem like a good calmness result."

"You might be experiencing some memory issues," said Raphael, who was looking kind of upset now. "It's probably because you're missing half of your brain because somebody let an entire church that was on fire fall on you." He sounded a little hysterical.

"Oh, don't be dramatic, Raphael, it was just one wall," said somebody on the other side of her. "And it's not half of her brain. A third at most."

Raphael glowered at whoever-it-was. "Michael, this is ridiculous, we can't just send her back," he snapped. "She needs a full recorporation, or at least -- at least let me get her out of this body while I fix it. Send her somewhere nice on holiday! This is Heaven, there's got to be somewhere nice. Damned if I've been there, though."

"Don't even joke about that," said Michael, darkly. "How long would it take to fix the body without her in it?"

"About a year to do it properly. Maybe six months if I push the miracles to their limits. Got to do testing, see that all the connections connect up right; it's easier with her in it but it's harder on her."

"We don't have time for that," said Michael. "We need the city up and running, so we need her up and running."

"You seem really upset about this," Vehuel told Raphael. "I think, I think probably if I'm going to have a doctor they should be more calm about it than I am. Maybe you should take a break?"

"You stay out of this!" Raphael snapped. "Michael, how long do we have?"

Michael sighed. "I'd like to get her back in a few hours. This wasn't supposed to happen."

"Well, obviously it did, so on some level it was," said Raphael. "A few hours, are you -- you know what, never mind, I'll just -- I'll see what I can do. Get out of here, Michael." Presumably, Michael left. "Some people," Raphael muttered, "could use a full brain replacement."

"Is this going to hurt?" Vehuel asked.

"It's going to be... it's going to be odd," said Raphael. "I'm sorry, we don't usually do these with the inhabitant still in the body the whole time. For reasons I will not go into, because if you had your whole brain they would probably worry you."

It wasn't like she had anything better to do. "Okay."

"And you won't be able to speak or understand things for a while," said Raphael. "See, if I could take you out of this body it'd be fine but -- never mind. A few hours? A few hours! I can't believe..." And then the medical miracle fell away and he was speaking gibberish again.

It was definitely very, very uncomfortable. Vehuel had had worse deaths, but none of them had ever felt as itchy and invasive as an archangel remaking her brain. Intermixed with the discomfort, though, were strange little fragments of sensation. She heard a song that had been inescapably, obnoxiously popular one year in Pompeii, so much so that somebody had rewritten it to be about his campaign for city council. (He had not won.) She tasted, vividly, the food at the best uttapam place in all of Vijayanagara, a weird little hole in the wall she used to go to after wrestling matches, and then, centuries and oceans apart, felt the press and the sound of the crowd at a chunkey match in Cahokia. She saw the brilliant lights of the central bulge of the Milky Way galaxy, and the terrible darkness forming in the center, and thought, Oh fuck, what are we gonna tell Lucifer?

"Vehuel?" It was Raphael. "Vehuel, can you understand me?"

"Yeah?" She remembered where she was. She remembered what had happened. "Shit shit shit I have to go, why can't I move? Is it over? Am I done? I need to get back down there, there's a fire."

"Ah. Yes, you're definitely back," Raphael said. "Don't try to move, I still have to put your skull back on. And your arm. And your wings." He sighed.

"Okay but I have to -- the city's on fire, the whole thing is --"

"That's exactly what I thought you'd say," said Raphael, unhappily. "I think it would be best for both of us if you were asleep for the rest of this."

"But --"

Raphael waved his hand over her.

"You will have to make him trust you," said Michael. Vehuel nodded. "You will have to..." She paused, as if feeling out what words she might use. "You will have to say things that aren't true. Can you do that?"

Vehuel didn't think she was very good at making people trust her. She was good with fire and gravity and dust; other angels were more difficult. But she had some experience with untruths. Which she probably shouldn't admit to. "I think so," she said.

"Good," said Michael.

"Um. What if -- what if he -- what if he finds out early?" Michael looked at her sharply. "I mean! I mean I wasn't planning to fail, but what if I do?"

She'd expected a bland reassurance; she wasn't meant to fail, so she wouldn't. Michael did not give her that. Michael manifested, from out of nowhere, an infinitely thin line with an arrow at the top. "This is something called a weapon." She handed it to Vehuel, or tried to.

Vehuel looked at it skeptically. "That looks like a ray. Like on your diagrams." She gestured to the scratchpad in front of Michael. "Or a line of force."

"Well." Michael paused, looking a bit embarrassed. "Well, it is a line of force, really, but it's -- it's pointy, see?" She jabbed the weapon into the wall, where it stuck. "It should hurt him."

"Hurt him?"

"An unpleasant feeling. He won't want to keep having it. You'll be able to hold him off and get back here. But I'd like the rest of them here too, if at all possible. And once they're all here, I'll see to them personally."

Vehuel took the weapon, and turned it over in her hands. "Well. All right." That sounded fair. Michael would yell at Lucifer and everyone else, and they'd stop making terrible, frightening plans, and everything would be good again.

"Heaven is counting on you, Vehuel," said Michael.

She nodded. "I -- I actually did have a problem to report about the light waves, though?"

"I'm sorry, I think I've got a meeting to go to," said Michael. She made a face. "I think it's about ions. So fiddly! Later, you can tell me what's wrong with the light waves." She smiled, and showed Vehuel out.

Vehuel opened her eyes. All of them. All of them. She closed thirteen of them. Way too bright.

She remembered about the fire again, and sat up, and nearly overbalanced and fell to the floor. "The fire!" she said, not that that would help anything. She looked around, and saw Haniel, Michael, and Raphael watching her.

"Don't worry, we sent some rain," said Haniel, looking very concerned. "I'm sure that'll help! Don't you think? Anyway, you can relax. You don't have to go back right away. You can rest." She patted Vehuel's shoulder.

"She's needed for the rebuilding," said Michael. "She's very good at rebuilding," she added.

"I am, I really am! Let me go back!" said Vehuel.

Haniel glared -- actually glared -- at Michael. Haniel had never glared in her life. "I'm sure the humans can manage for a month or so, Michael, they're not idiots. Well, they're not complete idiots, anyway."

"That's true," said Michael, considering. "We could have Cerviel check in on Chicago from time to time --"

"No!" said Vehuel. "No, no, absolutely not." Cerviel was not touching her city. He'd probably forget to add alleys when they rebuilt.

"No, definitely not Cerviel, he's very busy," said Haniel. "What about... we have someone in Los Angeles, don't we? Can't we send them?"

Michael frowned at this. "It's a long way to travel, though. Do you remember who we have there?" she asked Haniel.

Haniel frowned. "I..."

Vehuel decided to cut that line of thought short before it got anywhere worrisome. "No, no, Michael's right, LA's too far to travel," said Vehuel, "and it'd be cruel to him to make him deal with Chicago weather. I have to go back. Just for a few years. Come on, I've been through worse."

Haniel looked unhappy. "That doesn't mean --"

"Well, I'm glad that's settled," said Michael. She turned to Vehuel. "Good luck with the rebuilding! I know you can handle it." Then she left.

"I still think this is a terrible idea," said Raphael.

Haniel shrugged at him. "Apparently she's made up her mind." She turned to Vehuel. "Really, though, if you need some time..." She looked hopeful.

"No, no, I -- I can't let Michael down," said Vehuel.

"Vehuel..." Raphael sighed. "The day you let Michael down I will shake your hand and get you a box or a basket or a bottle of whatever weird disgusting human thing you like best, all right?"

Vehuel blinked at him. "Thanks? I guess. But look, I really have to go." She got up to leave. "But thanks!"

The surviving population of Chicago clustered raggedly in a few places along the lakefront and on the prairie north of the city. They were drenched and burnt both, and many of them had lost everything; even if not, many of them had lost family.

Vehuel went from cluster to cluster, shepherding lost children back to their parents when she could, and healing burns -- except on pickpockets, because she was so tired of pickpockets by now -- and miracling up food. The ruins of the city were so hot she could barely stand to fly over them, even at a great height, but she did, once.

And she remembered -- but did not see -- the population of Thera, saved by too many miracles and still homeless and terrified but alive. She recalled Lisbon after the earthquake and fire and tsunami, and the reprimand she'd earned from Gabriel when she'd allowed the prime minister to have the corpses burned rather than backing the church to make sure they were buried -- she'd seen Pestilence lurking in the ruins and would give him no foothold. She'd earned that reprimand, and she was proud of it.

She remembered guiding that idiot Aeneas for a while. Not her proudest achievement, but she'd managed to get him where he was supposed to be. (And promptly gotten lost again for several years on her way back to Troy. What had been wrong with the Aegean sea back then?)

Looking over the ruins of Chicago was difficult, and looking at the ruins of its citizens was even harder, in some ways. But it was still a city. It was just a city without a lot of buildings, for now. And she was going to have to do her best with it.

#whumptober2019 #no.22 #cw: fire #cw: injury #cw: brain injury #cw: surgery #text #fiction #kaesa op #my ocs #good omens #michael good omens

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dekumidoriyall · 6 years ago

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despite some ykw talk, this is gonna be a mostly about my faith tbh.

This asshat. how convenient that he mentions his FOREARMS, lest we forget about a previous post... Continuing on.

Same old same old EXCEPT THIS TIME Instead of just our usual surface laughs and elementary knee touches, we actually had a lot of insightful conversation. Like I felt I got to know who he is and his values a bit better what makes him who he is. AND YA know your girl is an even bigger sucker for character than she is for forearms.

So roll your eyes twenty times for me please. Bc I went in there like "HEY GIRL, I know he's hot and cute and funny so just don't fall more " you know, a little mental prep so I'm unfazed. BUT GUESS WHAT. The universe or whatever is in charge of making my life a little more complicated was like "well guess what? We're gonna bring out the big guns (not AJs biceps, which look great too btw but damn those forearms. LORD HELP ME. And I do mean it, like Jesus please) we're gonna let aj open up a bit more and yall are gonna get along so fuckin well" AND GUESS WHAT. We did. I was just like HA THIS GUY IS GREAT AND literally EVERYTHING I was asking for.... Before I fell in love with God.

Because now I gotta get MYSELF straight first off. Because I've been asking for the right person instead of BECOMING the right person. So lately it's like well whoever God has planned for me is probs pretty great, so I gotta be great too. Bc let's be honest, I want a dope ass fuckin family. I want a hot husband and cute kids and make fresh squeezed fuckin orange juice and have a nice lil deck with a dog or two or three. BUT THATS like down the line so right now I'm focused on becoming the version of me that God has called me to be.

But not gonna lie aj looked so comfy I literally just wanted to doze off on his shoulder. And I love having him in my life you know. So even as friends, I feel good hanging with him. He gives a lot of good insight, is someone I can be myself with, and ya know is a general cutie pie in general. But he also helps make me a better person (I won't tell him this bc it'll only boost his ego) but I'm like damn that mofo doesn't take failure as an option at all. But it's so inspiring! In a way bc he works hard. You can't tell him shit bc he does it all on his own. And I like that. I used to wanna be that way

And in a way I still do. But i always wanna give glory to God you know. I want to ask help from God. In my daily life. I want THAT relationship [with God] more than anything. And I kinda now want that in a guy tbh, someone who will not only motivate me in my world pursuits like my physical goals or my career goals, but someone who will encourage me to uplift my spirit. And if I want a guy like that, I gotta be a girl like that too you know. Give and take baby. So I gotta start becoming the frequency and vibration that I want to attract.

Don't get me wrong, my feelings are still what I've said. Maybe not blatantly but you all know. I just also know that (from past experience) God provides more than I need. And that he makes all things work together for good.

Like kyle for instance, the third (the last) time more specifically. I didn't wanna go through that. I specifically prayed GOD please don't let him come into my life to just wreck it again. did God put him there or did the enemy? WHO knows but what I do know is there was a lot of pain and shit and I didn't necessarILY think I needed to go through That but God was like "look jazz I know YOU don't understand why this is happening to you but I gotchu, don't worry. Your pain ain't permanent " AND what should have wrecked me, changed my life completely. I can 100% say after that last annoying fucking time, it taught me so much (that apparently the three years prior didn't >.>) and I just grew a lot after that. Mentally, spiritually, and physically.

So even when I don't understand "why", I have to keep moving and working and getting to know Him so that he can continue to bless me. I pray to God that I don't lose my fire for him this time. But it feels different it's not just a fire that leaves me as soon as I close my Bible or leave church. It's constant lately. Not always like holy spirit hot (bc boy I've been there and sweat through my shirt) but like a pot set on simmer. And not just fire but a wholeness, and this Love. I've never I guess fully understood His Love for me bc you know people are always telling you "God loves you" and it's like yeah I get it you bought it at hobby lobby it's on your wall I get it.

BUT I DID NOT.

Now I do get it, and am truly starting to understand when everyone is like "his love is true and all-encompassing.." Yada Yada. Like you hear that shit all the fuckin time and not gonna lie sometimes Im like ok what is that gonna do for me... Oh young naive me. EVERYTHING. Wow. You have no need for anyone else with him. But god is so nice he's like "look I know I'm the best friend you'll ever need but here are some asshats and knuckle heads to keep ya company. And he loves me SO MUCH that he's like "I also wanna make you grow as a person so here are a few challenges along the way not meant to hurt you but to grow you" so all these fuckin obstacles there are, God sent or hell sent or because of my own stupidity sent. I'm gonna be like BRING IT ON. I'm not worried so much anymore. I could literally go on.

Anyway, all I'm saying is if aj actually didn't stop whatever we were doing to focus on him and stuff, which of course sucked emotionally for me, i wouldnt have had the chance to, one, focus on myself bc I'd be so focused on him. 2, wouldn't have reached back out to God. And 3, truly enjoyed building a good friendship with aj. AM I scared that we might be teetering into the friendzone category? Am I worried that that's all it'll ever be? HELL FUCKING YES. I'M TERRIFIED AS HELL WHAT TF U TALKIN BOUT. I like that dude so fucking much it makes mad sometimes. BUT! Instead of anxiety or any of that negative shit, God's replaced it with a nonchalant "don't worry I got it" and listen. It's like when your super lucky (usually stoned) friend who you don't quite know how they get away with shit or get anything done right ever were to tell you this. You never know just quite how things are going to work out until they surprisingly do at the very end. But the whole time you're like ALRIGHT this isn't looking how I wanted it to. But then it comes out better and you got a few extra dollars to spend on snacks. So Idk HOW it'll work out and maybe it won't be the way I planned or wanted it to, but I have faith it'll be better. But you can't just reap a reward you haven't put in work for.

So it all comes back to focusing on me, which is easy bc the boy i like maybe probably has feelings for me and it doesn't change anything. And this is literally probably the only position God could have put me in for me to finally get all my shit together and get back to Him. So tbh its working to be good so far. :)

#srsly #i won't stop talking god up lately #and idc #faith #personal #please god keep letting me get to know yoj #ykw

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ourfinalheaven · 7 years ago

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I received a message from someone asking why I enjoy Cloti, but they wished to remain “anon”.

I always feel like this question chokes me up because I’m not talented in expressing myself nor my emotions to others, but I figured I’d give it a try...

For me, Cloud and Tifa is realistic to what couples go through where as other FF couples are, well, fantasy like. They’re easy, they’re in the “honeymoon phase” and they really don’t go through realistic to where it’s relate-able. Which don’t get me, it’s totally fine and isn’t that the point of shipping; to enjoy something you can’t really have in reality?

Cloud’s story is such a normal one. I mean really c’mon? Young boy wants to impress the popular girl who he just so happens to have a crush on, but she’s always surrounded by boys who are more confident than he is? Then one day,he musters up some balls to call her out at night only to make an unexpected promise to help her if she’s in need? Totally relate able for a lot of guys in their early years.

Tifa, like any girl would, reads the paper everyday to see if Cloud is in SOLDIER, and waits for his return. When word gets out there are people from SOLDIER coming to town, Tifa gets giddy to see Cloud, but only to be disappointed when he doesn’t show- or so she thinks.

He hides his face in shame of not keeping his word and avoids her because of it. Little does Cloud know, at this point, all Tifa wants is to see Cloud. Things take turn for the worst, and a man Cloud looks up to destroys his town, kills his mother, hurts his best friend, and gravely injures the girl he likes. All the anger Cloud felt in his childhood come rushing over him like a wave, and he himself is able to manage to take on this “great hero”, but pays a high price... he gets taken by Hojo to be a lab rat along with Zack.

Five years later, Zack and him bust out of the Shinra Mansion basement only to lose Zack in the process, fighting the hang over of his mako poisoning he some how makes it to a train station in Midgar only to be found by Tifa. At this point, they’re both shocked they’ve crossed paths AGAIN. Talk about ironic or as some would say it was “fate”. When Cloud is finally coherent, he asks Tifa for a job to make a living and tells her of stories that don’t quite make sense. Finally, when they reach Tifa’s bar Cloud realizes once again Tifa surrounded by men who clearly are fond of Tifa.

For me personally, I feel like this is why Cloud is so “moody” in the beginning of the game. Once again, he has to fight for Tifa’s attention and that he doesn’t fit in with the new group she has. It’s almost like he’s resentful, which I find interesting tbh, anybody would. I’m sure we’ve all been there. We want undivided attention from our crush; anything to search for clues they just may like us back...

Anyways, one mission goes extremely south and I find the dialogue between Cloud and Tifa interesting before he falls into Aerith’s church. There’s a part of the dialogue that isn’t optional right before he falls (from my memory, been awhile since I played)

Barret It's gonna blow! Let's go, Tifa!

Tifa Barret! Can't you do something?

Barret Not a damn thing.

Tifa Cloud! Please don't die! You can't die! There's still so much I want to tell you!

Cloud ******I know, Tifa......*******

That right there signals to me there was something brewing between them that they both recognized. Cloud, not distracted by personal resentment of the past, was himself in that moment. And like always, they’re interrupted. Once again, something always getting in the way of them finally confessing their feelings.

When Cloud falls on Aerith’s flowerbed, there’s something I find interesting. He remembers his fall from Mt. Nibel. You know where the part he follows Tifa and the bridge snaps as a child? That fall brings him back to that time. I mean it’s nothing to telling but it’s something I’ve made note of.

Once Cloud and Aerith get of her church and he brings her back home safely, he is desperate to get back to Tifa’s bar. I think it’s cute you can call Tifa your “girl...friend”, I don’t think anyone else in the game has that option, so there’s like this build up between Cloud and Tifa that makes you want to know more.

When Cloud does finally get to meet back up with Tifa, he went through a slew of embarrassing events to dress up like a woman just to make sure she was alright. Cloud is somewhat macho, so for him to slap a dress on, makeup, and a wig with some girly panties is truly telling to how much he cares for Tifa and would do anything to make sure she is alright.

After several events of them leaving Midgar, the end of Cloud’s story is interesting. Tifa asks Cloud how badly she was hurt, and Cloud replies with he thought Tifa was a goner, but unprovoked he mentions how he was sadden by that thought.

Now, let me fast forward to after Aerith death and their at the Northern Crater. Cloud mentions to Tifa that he hopes she gets to meet the “real” Cloud. It’s like Nojima wanted to insinuate that this Cloud we’re seeing a fake; not real. We end up getting separated from Cloud, but we find him Mideel where Cloud’s mental state is completely broken, and Tifa decides she’s going to watch over him thus leaving the group...

When we finally get to the lifestream, that’s where we learn Cloud did what he did for Tifa. He likes Tifa and just wanted her to notice him. Cloud then find outs Tifa read the newspaper everyday searching for his name in it. Some people may think that’s “shallow” of Tifa but I don’t think so. She was just a girl, and at that age we get caught up in things like that.

Cloud and Tifa finally realize Cloud was there and he saved Tifa, Cloud is able to regain his trueself thanks to Tifa. Now what is interesting is Cloud, in the true memory, says to Seph “ Mom... Tifa...... my town... give it back...” he never said that in his flash back at Kalm. Nojima’s writing for the script references back the “hope you get to meet the real cloud” quote and ofc when he says this is goodbye, until meet again line, “ Yeah...... Tifa...... We finally...... meet again......” This lets us know, the Cloud we knew before, wasn’t 100% Cloud which is so, idk, it’s so realistic bc people in real life will take parts of other people’s personality and morph them into one to great “their” personality.

Alrighty, so with the highwind scene, I find it super classic how Square did a romantic setting with Cloud and Tifa before the final battle. You know how you hear about soldiers making love to their wives before their deployed or in movies the hero makes love to his girl before he fights the villain? I feel like thats what Square did. People will fight about how this HW scene is canon, but I don’t think it matters. The Highwind scene is the Highwind scene, Cloud and Tifa spend the night together. Period. They share a kiss/have sex/ play a card game w/e you want to imagine, they spent a romantic night under the stars before the went to fight Seph. To be honest, it was the perfect night for them to come clean. What would they have to lose? They thought they were gonna die anyways.

They beat seph, yay game over, woot now we have COT and ACC, which really gives the realness.

I really can see how cloti struggled with their relationship because the events they went through was awful. They’re still mourning over their fallen comrade: Aerith. Cloud is feeling guilty for their deaths. In what reality would this make for the most perfect relationship? It doesn’t, but I feel given the hints and body language cloti is forming a romantic relationship, which is hard for them. You have two people who have pent up emotions from the OG events.

They seem to be going through their pain together but dont if that makes sense? Best way I can describe it is Tifa takes Denzel coming to the bar as Aerith showing her to move on, but Cloud takes it as Aerith showing Cloud by raising Denzel, he can make up for his mistakes. Eventually after COT, Cloud and Tifa DO end up happy together with the children.

However, Cloud gets geostigma and he thinks this is the planet’s way of “punishing him” so he runs off, abandoning everyone at this point, and lives in hiding. Eventually, Tifa does find where Cloud is staying at and finally getting Cloud to realize it’s time he lets go of the past. Some people will say, “Oh Tifa’s a “bitch” for doing that, but you know what? No, she’s not. You don’t coddle your partner for forever. In relationships, there’s times you have to give your partner a reality check. It’s called tough love. There’s a time where you tell your partner it’s time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on. You also don’t let your partner cut off everyone because he/she is too scared to ask for help or see they have people who dearly love him.

A lot of people who have never had a serious relationship do not realize that there’s times you hate your partner, you don’t know if you’re truly in love with this person anymore, you don’t open up to them, and you just think you’re better off without them. And that’s cloti in acc. They’re figuring it out. They’re pissy, they’re hurt, they’re tired, but you know what...they worked through it. They didn’t just bail and say “see ya later.”, Tifa waited for Cloud to forgive himself, and when he did look where he went? Back to tifa and the children.

I honestly think that’s why people struggle with shipping cloti is they think or maybe don’t understand when you love someone, they annoy you, make you mad, make you cry, and sometimes don’t understand you, but it’s loving you through those bad times that make you stronger. And maybe that’s why it’s easier to ship other couples is because reality is uncomfortable and we are raised to think everything is rainbow and butterflies x.x

Phew, this was long >.< So yeah, TL;DR I love cloti bc they’re real and not your typical FF couple, like Cecil x Rosa or Squall x Rinoa where you don’t see the “Realness”. I feel like Cloti is that couple that isn’t on social media showing pictures of how “happy” they are when in reality they’re miserable, but the couple who keeps their relationship to themselves bc they don’t need to showcase it >.<

#cloti #ofh views #long text post #sorry for the tldr

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area50dununiverse · 7 years ago

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Can we get some angsty smut where Edward feels like it's sick and wrong to fancy John but eventually he admits it to him promising he was gonna get help etc for being sick but John feels the same way and convinces him it's fine but he still can't be physically romantic/sexual with John bc he thinks it's sick and won't kiss or touch him but eventually decided to bite the bullet and have sex with him but he's so scared and upset and John reassures him the whole way through and praises him loads

Hello Lovely person! This is a long one with a slow burn and there are parts I’m not sure about… (but if you follow me, you’ll know how much I hate my own writing lol)

I really hope you enjoy, and although I may take 5 years to fill it, prompt me anytime!! Read below as always…

Edward took a deep breath and stepped into the church. The gold candle holders were the first thing to catch his eye, positioned under a big stained glass window that cast rainbows over the floor.He felt sick and tried to take a deep breath but the air around him felt musty in the old building.

He didn’t know why he was even there. He felt out of place somehow; as if the walls themselves were judging him, the many statues and paintings of Jesus bearing down on him.Typical Catholics, Edward couldn’t help but think, even the foundations of the church fill you with guilt.

He was just about to turn back and leave when Father James stepped out of a little side room. “Can I help you?” He smiled, always welcoming, never sincere. Edward gave him a polite smile, just about to make his excuses and leave when he spoke again. “You’re one of the Grimes twins,” he smiled cheerfully, “I remember when you two were born, far too early, we prayed for you every mass that you’ll make it through. Now look at you!”

Edward fake smiled, not wanting to think about being a twin, let alone talk about it. He wanted to forget John just for a little while, which was ironic considering talking about John was what lead him here.

“How can help young man?” Father James smiled again. Edward wanted to leave but was far too polite to leave a priest hanging.“I just came to-” Edward cut off. What did he come to do? He couldn’t tell him, couldn’t tell anyone. “Think.” He finished, hoping he would be left alone.Father James nodded and gave him a questioning look before asking, “is there anything you need to talk about? You look troubled.”

Edward scoffed. He didn’t mean too, but he couldn’t help but think that if Father James knew the truth, he wouldn’t be so kind.A thought came to him then. Maybe he could talk to him, discussing his problem by talking about a ‘friend’ in need.“Do you think love can be wrong?” Edward asked, knowing full well where the church stood on this argument. “Like, if a boy loves another boy, how can it be wrong; if it’s love? Love is supposed to be some beautiful thing, who cares if it’s two boys?”

That was it; kind, understanding face replaced with narrow, questioning eyes. “My friend, he loves someone that he shouldn’t. He knows it’s sick, and he’s tried but he can’t help it.” Edward shifted his weight from foot to foot. He hoped he didn’t look too guilty.“Is it your brother?” after James asked and Edward’s heart sank. How did he know? How did he know what Edward was talking about? He felt his cheeks heat up, his eyes wide and there was that sick feeling again.

“If your brother is confused about love, he should come in to see me,” father James said, “you’re a good brother.”Edward felt light-headed with relief. He didn’t know.“No, I’m not,” he mumbled, taking a few steps back. “I shouldn’t have come.” Edward turned and walked the few steps towards the door. He felt like crying.“I won’t tell anyone, but please ask him to come and speak to me?” Edward heard father James call as he rushed out, the fresh air and sunlight hitting him.

He didn’t stop, just kept walking until he found himself outside his gate. He looked up at the house and wondered what John was doing inside. Edward had only said he was going to the shop for snacks, that was over an hour ago and here he was, not a snack in sight. John would guess something was wrong and Edward’s secret would come out. That was his fear, constantly scared, terrified that John would guess, somehow working it all out.Edward would lay awake at night and imagine what John might say. He wasn’t a mean person, John was the kindest person Edward knew but in his mind, John would always fly off. He would shout and sneer and tell Edward that he was sick and he didn’t want him anywhere near him.

“Where have you been?” John asked as soon as Edward opened the front door. “You’ve been ages, I was worried.” Edward avoided looking at him as he walked through the living room into the kitchen.“Where’s mum and dad?” He asked, ignoring John’s question altogether.“Shopping,” he told him as he followed him through the house. Edward could feel his eyes on him as he went about making a drink of orange juice.“What’s wrong?” John asked, making Edward hesitate for the slightest of seconds. He didn’t know what to say. There was no point in trying to lie to John because he knew Edward better than anyone and could always see through him. But he couldn’t tell him the truth.

“I don’t feel too well,” he mumbled, hiding his face behind his glass as he took a drink.John’s brow furrowed as he looked at him, his green eyes scanning him over like he could detect any sign of illness just by looking. “You’ve been like this for ages now,” John told him, watching him closely.“Like what?” Edward tried to act normal, tried to look like he wasn’t hiding something.“Miserable,” came John’s answer, making Edward’s heart sink and his stomach twist.

He turned to look at John for the first time, meeting his sad eyes. He didn’t want to drag him down and hated to see John worrying about him. He wanted to smile, to tell him that he was okay, everything is fine and perfect, but he couldn’t and suddenly he was crying. His chest was tight and he couldn’t fill his lungs. Everything happened so quickly and before he knew it, Edward was wrapped tightly in John’s arms. He wanted to push him away, tell him not to touch him because if he knew the truth, he wouldn’t want to touch him, but John was Edward’s twin and he felt comforted and reassured with him. Edward needed him.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” John said, pulling away and searching Edward’s tearful eyes for answers. Edward looked back him, conscious of how close they were. If he was to inch forward, their lips would meet and that was all Edward could think about. He wanted to kiss those lips, spent hours, days at a time imagining how it would feel to have John’s lips pressed against his own.He closed his eyes, trying to block him out, trying to make himself think about anything in this world other than John.

The sound of the front door startled him as their parents arrived home, calling for someone to help them unload the car. Edward opened his eyes and looked desperately at John, just needing him to let go and leave him.John gave him another worried look before finally stepping away and walking out of the kitchen. Edward let out a shaky breath as more tears fell. He needed to hide himself away before his parents saw him in a state so he quickly headed upstairs, leaving John to help them with the shopping.

Edward managed to fall asleep. He didn’t know what the time was when he felt John gently shake him awake. All his life, John had been the first thing Edward had seen when he woke. It was comforting to know he was there, as always, dependable and grounding. Things had started to change in the last few years and suddenly Edward couldn’t bring himself to look at John in the mornings anymore. He was scared because of how it made him feel, and as Edward looked up at him, John’s hand lightly resting on his shoulder and those eyes, looking down at him, Edward felt like he couldn’t breathe again.“I’m going to tell mum if you don’t tell me what’s wrong,” John said sternly.“Please don’t?” Edward snapped, his eyes pleading with his brother. He didn’t want anyone involved, they would drag his secret out of him and then everyone would know how sick he was.“Then talk to me!” John’s grip on Edward’s shoulder tightened. He was upset and Edward didn’t know how to make it better.

“I went to church,” Edward admitted, looking away from John. He watched a bird land on the tree outside of their window instead.“Why?” John asked, his grip loosening a little. Edward watched the bird flit from branch to branch for a moment. It was chirping and Edward wondered if it had a nest. Maybe the little thing was calling its family, maybe it was just happy and wanted to sing. “Ed?”Edward looked back at John and shrugged. He didn’t have a reason, couldn’t make one up. He was never a good liar. “Just did.” Edward’s voice was small and distant, his face expressionless. He didn’t want to feel anything, tried to push it all down and suppress it as always.

“Why would you go to church without mum making you?” John persisted. He could never just drop it, always wanting answers.“Because I’m sick-” Edward said, his voice cracking as he started to cry again. John’s grip tightened again, almost too hard on Edward’s shoulder.“Sick?” He frowned, “why? What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is it serious? Edward?” John was almost crying now, his voice high and panicked but Edward couldn’t speak, couldn’t comfort him. He wanted John to hug him and to tell him everything was okay but he knew he couldn’t. Edward knew he couldn’t hug John like he used to in these situations because it only made things worse.“You’re scaring me,” John whispered, his eyes desperately searching Edward’s.“I asked him if love could be wrong,” Edward told him, “you know? like if you love someone, really love them, how can it wrong?” He rambled, too caught up in his feelings to stop himself. “But it is wrong and I don’t know what to do.”“Who do you love Edward?” John shifted on the bed, turning his body towards Edward’s, his hands coming up to cup his face, and forcing Edward to look at him. It was all too much, Edward’s world was spinning and he didn’t know what to do.

Edward got up and paced the floor, running his hands through his hair. “Edward, tell me,” John said as he watched him from the bed. Edward couldn’t think of anything to say. He wanted to tell John not to worry and just forget it but it had gone too far. “Edward!” John shouted, jumping to his feet, “who do you love?”

“You!” Edward finally shouted, spinning around to face him. Everything seemed to stop as Edward met John’s eyes. He felt like he couldn’t breathe and the longer John stood frozen, his eyes wide and lips parted, Edward felt like he was suffocating. The room spun around him and he could swear he could hear his heartbeat.

“Me?” John breathed, finally breaking the silence.“I’m getting help, I’ll go back to church or find another way-”“Don’t,” John softly interrupted, taking a tiny step towards Edward. Edward subconsciously stepped back, backing away from him. “You’re not sick.”Edward looked at his feet before looking back at up John. How could he say that? Edward knew his feelings were wrong and nothing John could say would reassure him. Once it sunk it and John really thought about it, Edward would bet he wouldn’t be saying that. He’ll want him as far away as possible and Edward wouldn’t be able to cope with that.

“Please don’t hate me?” Edward cried, putting his face in his hands.“I couldn’t hate you,” John said, stepping closer.He pulled Edward towards him and before Edward could pull away, he was tightly wrapped in John’s arms. It felt nice, safe and familiar so Edward let himself melt against him, even if it was just for a moment.“I love you.” Edward heard John whisper from above him. “You’re not sick because I feel the same,” John added, confusing Edward.He pulled away and looked at him, searching his face for answers. This couldn’t be right, Edward thought, wondering if he misheard.“I’ve always loved you, Ed, it’s always been you and me,” John attempted a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “You should’ve told me, I didn’t think you felt this way.”

Edward stared at him, trying to make sense of it all. Did John feel the same? Edward couldn’t keep up with the speed of everything, his head hurt and he wasn’t sure what was happening.Before Edward could work it all out, warm lips were pressed on his. Edward’s heart stopped beating and his stomach twisted even more.This was all he had wanted for so long but he couldn’t stop the twisting in his stomach. “John-” Edward gently pushed him away and rested his palms against his chest. “I can’t do it.” Edward looked at John and swallowed down the sadness. He had spent so long telling himself how wrong it was, how sick he was to feel the way he did that he still believed it. He loved John more than anything in the world and he felt the same, yet Edward still couldn’t be happy.John looked at the floor and Edward wanted to pull him into a bone crushing hug, just like he would’ve done in the old days before things changed. He didn’t though, all he could do was just mumble a shaky “sorry”.

“It’s okay,” John looked at him with a smile, one that reassured Edward that everything was fine between them. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”“Let’s just-” Edward held John’s hands in his, his body relaxing a little. “Let’s just take it slow?”“Slow.” He nodded, his smile widening. “Wanna play Xbox?” John let go of Edward’s hands and turned to fiddle with the game conical, handing Edward a set of controllers and saying, “I’m having the first turn,” and just like that, everything was normal again.

Edward avoided John’s touch in the next few days. Every little touch felt too risky, too intense and Edward was sure someone would catch them and they would know.John would naturally rest a hand on Edward’s shoulder as he spoke or stand a little too close and Edward was sure people were judging them, putting two and two together.John would throw him a sad look that Edward hoped no one would notice but never he commented on his behaviour. Edward didn’t want to hurt him or offend him but all he could think about was what would happen if their secret got out. They would be separated and everyone would know how weird they were, how wrong it is to love your brother like that.

It was two weeks later when John turned to him, eyes blazing. “Why are you acting so strange?” He asked once their bedroom door was shut. Edward looked back at him, his t-shirt half way off as he paused his undressing, momentarily confused.“You act like I’m poison every time I go near you!” John snapped. Edward continued undressing in a bid to get his pyjamas on and go to bed. He tried not to look at John, to act casual but John just got more frustrated. “You tell me that you love me but you can’t even look at me?”Edward flicked his eyes up to John’s. He was sad and maybe a little angry and Edward felt guilty. He did love John, more than anything and hurting him was the last thing he ever wanted to do. “We’re brothers,” Edward mumbled, feeling too exposed as he stood in his underwear.John rolled his eyes, turning away from Edward as he started to take off his own clothes. Edward watched him for a second before saying a soft “I’m sorry.”“Don’t be,” John answered flatly, kicking off his jeans.“We’re taking it slow,” Edward said, unsure if he should step forward. He did anyway as John turned to face him. Their eyes met again and Edward desperately wanted to kiss him.

“There’s taking it slow Edward, and then there’s completely giving someone the cold shoulder.”“I didn’t mean to,” Edward said, “I’m scared someone will know. If they see us together, if we’re found out…” Edward took another step, standing almost toe to toe with John.“They won’t find out,” John whispered, his eyes flicking over Edward’s features.Edward didn’t know who moved first but as John’s lips met his, he was sure he was the instigator. John received the touch gratefully, pushing against Edward in an instant and Edward felt like time had stopped around him. It was his first proper kiss and Edward had never felt so perfect. John sighed against his lips, his hands coming around Edward’s waist and pulling him close.Edward leant into John’s body, his own arms reaching around John’s neck as he broke the kiss to look at him.

“See?” John whispered, “everything’s okay.” Edward smiled at him, letting a breathy giggle slip. He licked his bottom lip before asking “can I do it again?”“Like you have to ask-” John smiled before leaning into Edward again, their lips connecting.“I love you,” John mumbled when they parted, his eyes locked with Edward’s. Edward grinned, the words still sounding strange to his ears. All the times he had imagined John telling him that and he still couldn’t believe it was real.Edward was about to answer when someone knocked at their door, making him jump away from John.

“Aunt Marie has invited us over-” their mother said as she opened the door a little. “You’ll be okay for a few hours?”“Yeah, we’re going to bed soon,” John answered as Edward silently panicked out of sight. She nodded and promised that they wouldn’t be too late before leaving. Edward breathed a sigh of relief and looked at John. “She could’ve caught us.” “But she didn’t.” John sat on his bed and tapped the space beside him for Edward to join him.“It’s so wrong,” Edward stressed as he sat, feeling self-conscious in his underwear again. John frowned back at him without saying anything.

They sat on John’s bed, side by side, Edward’s mind running through the different scenarios of what could happen if they were caught.“We have the house to ourselves now,” John piped up, “no one can catch us now.”Edward sighed, looking at down at his thighs. He couldn’t look at John without feeling his kiss again and it made him feel a strange mixture of guilt and happiness. “You’re amazing Edward. Everything about you is amazing.”Edward scoffed at John’s words. He didn’t for one second agree with him.“I’m lucky to have you and I want to be with you. I want to hold your hand and kiss you, I want to…” John hesitated, making Edward look up at him. He didn’t need to say anything else, Edward knew what he meant and he wanted it too. He wanted all of it and as he looked at John, he forgot about everything he was worried about.

John kissed him again, slow and gentle like Edward was made of porcelain. Edward’s eyes slipped shut as he kissed John back, his hand coming up to cup his face. “It’s okay,” John whispered against his lips, “I promise, it’s okay.”Edward opened his mouth to let John deepen the kiss, finally tasting him.John grunted into his mouth as the kiss picked up the pace. Edward was panting and desperately kissing John, his body reacting to the intimacy.John’s hand came to rest on the top of his thigh, sending sparks through his body. He quickly pulled away, his eyes wide and heart beating too hard in his chest.

“We can’t,” Edward said, “we have to stop.”“Why?” John frowned, leaning in to place a kiss on Edward’s cheek.“Because-” John kissed along his jawline, his lips leaving a warm trail over his skin. “It’s wrong.”“No, it isn’t,” John told him, pressing a firm kiss to the point of Edward’s shoulder. John kissed Edward’s lips again, his hand inching up his thigh. Edward’s breath hitched as John’s hand cupped the front of his pants. “We can stop if you really want to?” John mumbled against his lips before gently biting his bottom lip and making Edward moan.Edward silently shook his head, his hips pressing up into John’s hand.

“It’s not wrong-” John whispered, “I’ll show you.” He gently pushed him, making Edward lay on his back. Edward watched him scatter kisses over his chest, his hand still frustratingly still, resting on the front of his pants.Edward hummed as John kissed a nipple before kissing his lips again. “You’re perfect,” John mumbled between kisses. “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.” Edward arched his back into John, wanting him to touch him. “Do you want this?”Edward met John’s serious eyes. He knew John would stop as soon as Edward told him to but Edward didn’t want to stop, he needed more. More of John, more touching and just more.Edward silently nodded but John was shaking his head. “You need to tell me, Edward.”

“I want it-” Edward mumbled, “I want you.” At Edward’s words, John leant down to kiss him again, his hand dipping into his pants.Edward sucked in a sharp breath, pushing into John.John sat up and let his eyes run over Edward’s body. Edward felt self-conscious again, his cheeks turning pink and his eyes flicking away from John’s identical ones.“You’re beautiful,” John told him firmly, pulling his pants down his thighs. Edward kicked them off while watching John pull his own off before throwing them off to the side somewhere. Edward had seen John naked loads of times but this was different. He felt embarrassed and couldn’t look as John came closer, leaning over him to kiss him again.

Edward whined into John’s mouth as he took hold of him and started slowly stroking him. It felt good, so good and Edward was getting too worked up way too soon. He stopped kissing John, concentrating on breathing as John kissed his shoulders and collarbones.“I’ve thought about this for years…” John mumbled against his chest. “Imagined how you would taste, how you would sound, how you would feel against me.”Edward hummed again, unable to form words but John didn’t wait for an answer as he carried on, sitting up to look at Edward. “All those times I came thinking about you, and now… Here you are.”“Stop!” Edward snapped, batting John’s hand away from him. John quickly pulled his hand away, his eyes worried so Edward quickly added, “I don’t want to come too soon.”John broke into a smile, running his fingertips up and down his thigh.

“I want to have sex,” Edward told him, the words making his cheeks heat up.John looked back at him, a look of shock flashing across his features. “But I’m scared,” Edward added honestly.“We’ll go slow,” John told him gently, “and if you want to stop, we will.” He leant down to lick Edward’s pulse point before pressing a wet kiss there.“I’m sorry,” Edward mumbled, “for acting so off with you.”“It’s okay, you were scared,” John’s hand ran up his thigh, taking him into his hand again and stroking. Edward’s mouth hung open as John touched him, whispering sweet words as his other hand slipped between his thighs.Edward gasped as John’s fingers ran over his arse. “Do you know how to do this?” Edward grunted, his hips lifting off the bed so John could gain better access.“Yeah,” John answered confidently, “I’ve watched it loads of times.”Edward wordlessly nodded, his eyes falling closed as John’s hands touched him. Edward felt John move and opened his eyes to see him opening the bedside draw. He pulled out a tube and Edward suddenly felt nervous but then he was being kissed again and he couldn’t think about anything else but John.

John was gentle, careful and soft. Edward knew he could trust John, he felt safe with John, secure and relaxed as he worked his fingers.“You’re so good,” John whispered as he slipped in another finger. Edward hissed through his teeth and arched his back. There was a slight burn but it wasn’t too bad. He had often thought about doing this to himself but never had the courage to actually do it. It was intrusive and uncomfortable in all the best ways and Edward felt conflicted between pulling away or begging for more.“You look so hot,” John told him. “God, you’re amazing Edward.”Edward gripped onto the sheets underneath him, pushing up into John’s hand. He had stopped stroking him a while back but his hand was still holding him and Edward was desperate for John to move and just touch him.

He didn’t though, just carried on working him open, slipping in a third finger after a while and making Edward moan. He was burning up, the sheet below him felt damp where he was sticking to it. Edward’s breath was uneven, little pants and whispered curse words falling from his parted lips.He was a hot mess and he never felt so good.

John moved, climbing over to straddle him before leaning down to kiss his lips. Edward hardly kissed him back, just let John do the work as he concentrated on the feel of John’s skin on his.“I love you.” John pulled away to look at him, his eyes bright, alive with something Edward had never seen before. Edward smiled, losing himself in those eyes as John positioned himself. “Ready?” He asked, confusing Edward for a second. He wanted to ask what he was ready for until he snapped back to earth.He looked at John for what seemed like hours, his brain finally waking up. Edward glanced across John’s features, the same face he had looked at all his life. The face he loved more than anything and it all came crashing back to him that John was his twin and this wasn’t right.

“I’m scared,” Edward whispered again, his hands coming up to hold John’s biceps. “What if you’re wrong? What if this is wrong and we regret it?”“We won’t,” John reassured, “because we’re perfect together and we love each other.”“Things will never be the same,” Edward stated, coming to the realisation himself. “What if things change?”John watched him for a second, his eyes flicking over Edward’s face. “Things might change, but for the better,” John said, “because we will be happy and we will always love each other.”Edward nodded, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. John was right, he wasn’t happy carrying his secret around like a ball and chain and now it was out and John felt the same. This was his chance to be happy, to be with John and be loved.

“Okay,” Edward said firmly. “I’m ready.”“Sure?” John whispered, frowning down at him with concerned eyes.“Yes, I want it.”John leant down and connected their lips, kissing Edward hungrily as he opened his legs while pushing his knees up. Edward braced himself, telling himself to relax and let go.

There was a sudden pain which made Edward loudly whine, his whole body tensing. “Relax,” he heard John whisper, his hand coming up to lightly brush Edward’s hair from his face. “That’s it…” John encouraged, moving into him slowly. Edward sucked in a breath and tried to keep himself relaxed. John started stroking him again, harder this time and Edward was lost between the pleasure and discomfort.“You’re so good,” John whispered, “so good, Edward.”The pleasure of John stroking him soon took over and as John started moving again, Edward thought it didn’t seem so bad. It felt like a strange burn but John was adding more lotion and it seemed easier. “I’m so lucky,” John whispered, “to have you, to be the one who gets you like this.”

John angled his hips and pushed in again, this time, sending sparks through Edward’s body making his whole body jerk as he brushed his g-spot. Edward let out a long, low moan, his back arching off the bed. It felt so good like nothing Edward had ever felt before and he instantly wanted more.“Fuck,” John breathed, “you’re so hot.”Edward tried to answer but all that came out was another long moan, his fingers digging into John’s arms. He opened his eyes to see John looking down at him, just as he hit the spot again, making Edward cry out, louder this time. “I love you,” John told him, “I love everything about you.” His voice was trembling and strained and Edward knew he was just as close as he was. “We’re going to spend the rest of our lives together,” John went on. “And even in fifty years time, you will still amaze me every day and I will still love you as much as I do now-”

One more thrust o John’s hips, one more pump of John’s hand and Edward was coming, shouting loudly and completely losing himself in his climax. John stroked him through it before letting go himself, his hips snapping into Edward, his body trembling and the most beautiful sounds coming from his slack mouth.Edward took a few breaths. His skin was burning and he felt like he was floating. John pulled out, making him wince before flopping down next to him, his ragged breaths filling the air along with Edward’s. Edward’s legs ached and there was a strange throbbing, a dull ache when he moved.

He turned his head to look at John. His eyes were closed, his chest rising and falling quickly. John opened his eyes and looked at him, smiling a small “okay?”Edward nodded, this mind clearing a little. “Are you?” He asked as the worry slowly crept in. He didn’t want John to regret it, to realise what they’ve done and never go near him again.“I’ve never been better.” John turned around so he was facing Edward, his hand reaching out to lightly smooth his hair. “You’re amazing.”“So you keep saying,” Edward laughed, his cheeks turning pink.“Because I mean it. I meant every ting I said. Do you still think it’s wrong?” There was an undertone to John’s voice that made Edward feel sad. He was nervous of what Edward’s answer would be, Edward could see it in his eyes.“No,” Edward told him, turning his body to face John’s. John kissed him again and it felt like their first kiss all over again. Edward could feel the difference in them; they had changed but in the best way possible.

Edward slipped into his bed, fresh from the shower. John watched him from his own bed for a moment before slowly getting up and joining him.Their family went to bed not long after they had returned home. Edward had untangled his body from John’s and got into his bed when he heard the front door open and close. Their parents said goodnight and left them to get showered and ready for bed.Edward got into his bed, unsure if John wanted to sleep alone or not and he was relieved when John moved into his bed with him.“No one will find out,” John whispered, “we have all night. Every night.”Edward mindlessly ran his fingers up and down John’s arm, his other hand tucked under his pillow. John was almost laying the way but the hand that wasn’t under his pillow was resting on Edward’s hip, his index finger stroking over the hem of his boxers.

“I’m so happy I have you,” he said, leaning towards Edward and resting his head on his shoulder. Edward pulled him closer, wrapping both arms around his body and pressing a kiss to the top of his head.“You’ve always got me.” John leant back to look Edward before kissing him. Edward kissed him back and thought back to the church and how he felt that day. It seemed like a million years ago now, like he was a different person altogether.John broke the kiss and looked at him with a wide smile before leaning back down on his shoulder to sleep. Edward gave him a squeeze and thought about all the things John had said that night with a smile. Edward was finally happy and he didn’t care about how wrong it was supposed to be because he loved John and John loved him and he could see now, that’s all he ever needed.

#jedcest #jedcest smut #jedcest prompt

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yeahwesaidthat · 8 years ago

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TWWS: The Best of D&D

Ladiiiiiiiies and gentlemeeeeeeeeeeen! Welcome to the ultimate showdown: THE BEST OF D&D!

This post contains the best of the best of the D&D/RPG posts over the years of TWWS, all the way from the beginning. At the end of the post, there will be a link to a survey where you can vote for your favourites in each category (other/3.5e, 4e, and 5e) and nominate MVPs for each category. If the person you want to vote MVP has only been referenced as “Player,” just note down what quote they’re responsible for. A week from today (or until enough of you fill out the survey), Round 2 of the competition begins.

Everybody roll for initiative!

Overheard During Other RPGs

During Hackmaster, about a bottle label: SB: “It says ‘Thou shalt not question the DM over inane shit!’”

Overheard During D&D 3.5e

Unarmed damage?: MM: “It’s the difference between a slap and a bitch-slap.”

So wrong it's right: MM (IC): “I like your spunk.” KH (OOC): “So does [gay player].”

Rogue equipment: KB (IC): “I need [boots] that are…soft-sounding.” MM (IC): “We have socks.”

Describing a character: SO: “She is built like a brick shithouse.” DM: “She shits brick houses.” Bubbles: “She makes brick houses shit bricks.”

When the party has two rogues: KH (IC): “I can find it!” KB (IC): “I can find it better.”

RD (IC): “[Wizard], if you do not stop right now, I will arrest you for terminal stupidity, and I can assure you, I will find a law against it!”

A discount on services rendered: SO: “What’s 75% off of ‘I run and do whatever you ask without question’?”

Calling for divine help in very specific situations: MM: “Please state your current medical emergency.” KB: “Head-splosion.” SO: “If you have been stabbed, press one. If you are currently being stabbed, press two.” MM: “If your head’s detonated and you’ve launched into a wall, press three.” RD: “Why did you press three? We never expected anyone to press three!” SO: “We don’t know what to do in this medical emergency! Please dial again!”

IO: “[Wizard] is going to say - ” KB: “Can I tell you why this is a bad idea?” IO: “No.”

Proper procedure when everything goes to hell: RD: “[Cleric] goes outside and makes a magic circle, sits in it, and cries.”

KH (IC): “That stupid fucking son of a flea-ridden bitch cunt wizard - ” MM (IC): “Oh, him.”

How to pray to the god Ao: KB, KH, and MM: “I throw my hands up in the air sometimes sayin’ heeeeey-oh! I worship Aaaaaaa-o!” Bubbles: “[The wizard’s] gaaaaaaaay-o!"

Overheard During D&D 4e

SIDE NOTE: A Quiplash commentary on D&D 4e: A more environment-friendly alternative to toilet paper - 4th ed character sheets

What we think we saw - again?: Player: “If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and weighs the same as a duck, it must be a witch.” KH: “It’s a witch.” RJ: “Build a bridge out of 'er!”

Healing needed: Player: “I have a mess kit, will that help?” WS: “Only if you want to make a mess.”

Captain: “Neverwinter ho!” Dwarf: “Hos? Where?”

SB: “Eventually you end up at the most popular stall in the market.” Player: “Porn?”

About attacking a character that may or may not be good: SB: “Wait, what’s your alignment?” Player: “Lawful Paranoid.”

Taunting the kraken: Player: “Your tentacles are so short even an anime girl wouldn’t take 'em!”

Questioning the legitimacy of an NPC: SB (IC as Priest): “I have a degree in polytheism from the University of Phoenix Online!”

Making sure it’s really dead: SB: "You kick the head and it goes sailing through the open door of the tomb. You hear a voice in the darkness go ’Gooooooooal!’”

Killing the undead: SB: “Congratulations, you choked something to death that doesn’t breathe.”

Mass undead murder: Player: “We made a ghoul-ash. An evil gumbo, really.”

Architecture: Player: “I like big buttresses and I cannot lie.”

Interesting kills: SB: “You decapitated him with a bludgeoning weapon.”

About flying books: Player 1: “The window opens in! How do they fly out?” Player 2: “They’re paperbacks."

Player: “Thank God I decided to engage the dragon in melee.” MW: “You’ll never hear that in any other D&D campaign ever again.”

Player: “Is the food still on the table?” Three Of Us: “DON’T EAT IT!!!”

Overheard During D&D 5e

Annoying Teen: (about his character) “Would he still hate me?” AD: (not about his character) “I think everyone hates you.”

Don’t mess with a dire bear: JI: “There’s one inside who attacks the bear…" (rolls) "...and misses horribly ‘cause he shits his pants.”

JI: “He doesn’t have 100 hit points. He has 95.”

Demonic insight: KH: “I say in Infernal, ‘Peace! We mean you no harm!’” JI: “There’s no word in Infernal for ‘peace.’” Retroactive Edit: Demons actually speak Abyssal. Devils speak Infernal.

Animal form disadvantages: AD: “I’m going to bite [the zombie].” Everyone Else: (mass noise of disgust)

JI: “You feel a pinch in your mind as if she’s flipping through your yellow pages.” AD: “That’s got to be a euphemism for something.” ST: “Oh, yeah, baby, turn my yellow pages.” JB: “Turn to ‘F’ for fun.”

What happens in every religious venue in every D&D campaign ever: JB: “Here is the church, here is the steeple,” KH: “Open the door, and here are the zombies.”

KH: “Did you sneak off to her house in the middle of the night?” ST: “Does that sound like something I would do?” KH, AD, and CD: “Yes.”

JI: “You guys came in here - ” AD: “ - like a wrecking ball - ”

Post-adventure considerations: KH: “[Rogue] wouldn’t know what to do with her life.” AD: “She can bail herself out of jail.”

Switching to melee for a change: CD: “Let’s see if this ‘offense’ thing you do all the time really works.” (rolls a critical hit)

The logistics of being swallowed by a sea monster: ST: “Am I going to take damage if I move further along his digestive tract?”

EC: “If you had leprosy and your ears fell off would you be a deaf leper?”

Identifying mysterious cults: KH: “What’s the Cult of Howling Hatred?” EC: “The Westboro Baptist Church, obviously.”

DR: “Apparently your god has personally intervened due to your badassery.”

A Mass Effect cameo on a dexterity check for dancing: EC: “If you roll a one, you dance like Shepard.”

EC (IC): “So what you’re saying is that it’s very dangerous and we shouldn’t go in. I’ll take point.”

Things to worry about in combat: KH: “You don’t have enough hit points to take it like a man, honey.”

The ends justify the means?: Bubbles: “Did you have fun role-playing an interrogation?” DR: “You guys are fucked up.”

KH: “How do you stun-lock a Terrasque?!?” JB: “Fourth Edition.”

ST: “Do we have to kill them before we eat? I hate murdering on an empty stomach.”

About a revenant and a possible lover: EC: “Well the beast is committing necrophilia and the necro is committing bestiality…” DR: “What happens in Faerun, et cetera.”

Rolling high on a seduction check: DR: “Frankly, I didn’t think you’d go down this road.” KH: “Oh, I went down all right.”

More on the seduction roll: Bubbles: “Try to convince her to come with us. The way she came with you last night.”

About a nonviolent kua-toa: Player: “He’s a paci-fish.”

About dealing with face-hugging enemies: CD: “You swung at yourself and missed?” AD: “I swung at myself and missed.”

ST (IC): “I’ll be staying in the boat unless you have need of my specific skills.” CD (OOC): “Dying first is not a skill.”

About cultists: DM (IC): “They are water people. Maybe they’re just going with the flow.”

About a minotaur who keeps missing: DM: “At least when you put a bull in a china shop he’ll break shit.”

About bottles of brandy: EC: “I have two questions: how many of them are there and how many of them can I carry?”

Ideas so bad they’re good: KH: “We’re gonna blow up the temple with the distillery.” F: “The temple, the lich, half the plot…”

About going forward: KH: “Against our better judgment.” DM: “What better judgment?” KH: “Good point.”

About shooting arrows: KH: “'Nock’ yourself out.”

About using a lot of magic: JS: “We’re blowing a big load here right now.”

JS: “You wanna go up the shaft?” ST and T: “That’s what he said.”

About flirting with an efreet: JI: “Below her waist is a trailing cloud of black smoke, so you’re not getting anything.”

Questioning the guardian imp: Player (IC): “What happens if someone disturbs the sarcophagus before your time is up?” WS (IC): “There’ll be six more weeks of winter.”

MR (IC): “Trying to undercut me on my quest to restore my former glory?” KH (IC): “You have no glory to restore.” Other Players: “Oooooooh!” SW: “Quick, someone cast heal!”

When talking with a spirit: MR (IC): “You can’t just ask someone if they’re dead! That’s incredibly rude! The correct term is ‘mortally challenged’!”

After a petrifying encounter with some basilisks: BC: “I always thought she was stone-hearted.” KT: “I dunno, I thought she rocked.” JS: “I am going to kill all of you.”

What to do with windmills: KH: “If we had a lance, we could go tilting.” MR: “Cavalier idea.”

Quest priorities: Player 1: “No one’s going to pay us to do it right now. It’s not worth the attention.”

JF: “Roll to see if you hit me by accident.” KH: “Oh, I’d hit you on purpose.”

K’s paladin chastising A’s paladin about her sex habits: A (IC): “I thought you were the paladin of joy!” K (IC): “Not that kind of joy!”

About a previous edition of D&D: KH: “[What] the hell couldn’t you do in 3.5?” SW: “Win.”

KH: “Technically you’re underage.” ST: “That’s never stopped me before.” AD: “You or your character?” ST: “Do I have to answer that?”

D: “We’re gonna make the Underdark great again!” ST: “We’re gonna build a wall - a really big wall in the Underdark, and we’re gonna make the gnomes pay for it.” A: “We pay for everything already! Screw you!”

About a character who caught fire: T: “He’s not rolling initiative; he’s rolling on the ground.”

T (IC): “Let’s go before the men’s egos get us killed.”

JB (IC): “My god believes in good opportunities. Not dying is a good opportunity.”

Passing on some bad news: JI (IC): “[Chief] not sick!” AD (IC): “He was when we were done with him.”

To a healer: KH (IC): “I don’t suppose you have a cure for the common cold?” JI (IC): “I’m not a miracle worker.”

Reassuring a woman scorned: AA (IC): “Go tell her - all men dogs.” JI (OOC): “Says the cat.”

To the tune of “Like a G6”: ST and KH: “Roll a d6, roll a d6!”

KH: “Of course it’s always about dirty sex - I’m a bard!” AD: “The hell are you two talking about down there?!”

To a mindflayer, about a stupid character: KH (IC): “I’d offer you his brain to eat, but I don’t think he has one.” JS (IC as mindflayer): “I don’t eat junk food.”

MGW: “It’s Tza…Zsa…his name is Jasper.”

Saying goodbye to the barkeep: MR (IC): “I’ll be back visiting the northern parts soon.” KH (OOC): “And then you can visit her southern parts.”

About a questionable NPC: ST (IC): “I would never dream of hurting you!” KH (IC): “I would.”

About prison visitations: JB (IC): “How often is it that a [gypsy] walks in here voluntarily?”

Failing a romance/persuasion check: AA: “Ooh, she cast Zone of Friend!”

Preparing for a swamp adventure: CD: “I want to buy some insect repellant.” AD: “What, your personality doesn’t drive them away?”

About a magic boat: JB (IC): “I saw it grow!” ST (IC): “Are you sure you didn’t rub it? That sometimes happens with wood.” JB (IC): “You would know.” ST (IC): “You wouldn’t.” JB (IC): “Tell that to my two children.”

About an injured drow: MGW (IC): “Look at that poor girl! She has a black eye! You can’t see it, ‘cause her skin is black, but still!”

Last-minute aliases: RD (IC): “Unfortunately, no, my name is Dick Ballsenshaft.”

To a half-orc and Sir Bearington, regarding weirdness: MGW (IC): “…but for me to assume you’re in a loving relationship with a talking bear is where we draw the line?!”

Wisdom for stealing magic items: KC: “Anything that glows goes.”

About fleeing: RD: “I’m going to run like an Amazon employee during the holidays.”

MGW: “You were doing so well until everybody died.” JF: “D&D in a summary.”

Once more about fleeing: RD: “A smart man knows when to run like a little bitch.” J: “Why do you think that’s the first thing I did?”

Recapping the previous session: A: “There was a shitshow, but we got away with it.” S: “So the usual, then.”

About creature size: MR: “Is an ettin large or huge?” MGW: “I think he’s just large.” A: “He’s probably large but pretends he’s huge.” AS: “Typical guy.”

When a pervy character is disgusted by a perv: RD: “Dear Kettle, I have an issue with your current hue. Signed, the Pot.”

A: “He told us to send a message.” KH: “A sword in the stomach is a message.” SW: “The Lannisters send their regards.”

The pervy paladin: A: “I used Lay On Hands. I healed him.” KH: “Yeah, but where did you lay your hands?” MGW: “Wherever she wanted.”

About our tactics: SW: “We put the 'fun’ in 'dysfunctional.’”

About possible activities: MGW (IC): “I know you’re a tiefling, but we’re all the same color in the dark, right?”

Interesting weapon material: MGW: “You all take a moment of reflective silence.” JB: “Nah, I’m just cleaning my bone.” KH: “Technically that’s a moment of reflective silence.” KC: “Not if you’ve seen the barbarian do it.”

Scrying like bad cell reception: KH: “Switch to AD&D.” JB: “Can you scry me now?”

About the taste of human: SW: “You would know.” A: “Nah, I don’t swallow.” MR: “This conversation is making me uncomfortable.”

Wrestling prep: MR (IC): “I want a good, clean fight.” A (IC): “No we don’t.” JB (IC): “What’s a clean fight?” A (IC): “It means you have to take a bath first.” JB (IC): “What’s a bath?”

MGW: “There’s a bridge that looks like it may have collapsed at some point.” JB: “Is it a-bridged?”

Beautiful references (read in Rorschach’s voice): AA: “I’m not grappled with YOU,” ST, AA, and KH: “YOU’RE grappled with ME!”

About remaining spells: KH: “I have three 1st-level slots and one 2nd-level slot.” CD: “Those are 'keeping people alive’ slots.”

Dealing with extra-limbed gorillas: ST: “Uh-oh! They must have been forewarned!” AD: “What makes you say that?” ST: “Forewarned is four-armed.” AD: -_-

Negotiation skills: AD: “It’s just me trying to bullshit him.” JI: “Why don’t you make a bullshit check?”

Trying to figure out if the staff is necromantic: CD: “We could kill a mouse in front of the staff. We could kill a mouse with the staff. How much is it to buy a mouse?”

JB: “Anyone die while I was gone?” SW: “Not on the outside.”

Wizarding limits: JS: “You may not polymorph your zombies into t-rexes.”

Zombies aren’t too smart: BC (IC): “Bobs, attack the closest gnoll!” Bobs: (run at gnoll party member) KH (OOC): “Et tu, Bob?” JS (OOC): “If this doesn’t belong in your blog, I dunno what does.”

Far too relatable: JS: “Twenty psychic damage.” BC: “I’ve taken more psychic damage from my mother.”

Worst-laid plans: KH (IC): “I have a very bad feeling about this.” MR (IC): “You should.”

Our go-to combat tactic: MR: “Are we going to stupid the guy to death?”

Zing!: MGW (IC): “If you join me, I can make you the greatest dwarf who ever lived.” TP (IC): “I am the greatest dwarf who ever lived.” Whole Table (OOC): “Ooooohhhhh!!!”

Another verbal duel with a sea god/character class limitations: KH: “I would say 'what is a god to a nonbeliever,’ but I’m a cleric.”

Activating the mysterious device: BC (IC): “We did it! I wonder what we did?”

Business as usual: KH: “This seems like a bad idea, but go ahead.”

Old adages: MR: “No plan survives contact with the enemy.” (IC) “But then, no enemy has survived contact with us!” (OOC) “Was that quote-worthy?” KH: “Yes.”

KC: “She can ride me. I don’t care.” KH: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) KC: “…I’M A BEAR IN ARMOR.”

Advantageous druidic inanity: KC: “Are you still riding the flying bear?” MR: “It’s flying now?” KC: “Yeah, he flew up to unlock the door.” AS: “…So he’s a flying bear with armor…”

Spell modifications for humourous purposes: MR: “Using a Dex[terity] save for Zone of Truth means they’re literally dodging the question.”

About a wild, crazy, out-of-left-field hypothesis: RD (IC): “I figured if you pulled something that big our of your ass there’d be bleeding involved.” MR (IC): “…That’s between me and my proctologist.” SW (OOC): “Did you take fire damage for that? That’s like Taco Bell levels of burn.”

As is per usual: MR: “We may have once again survived this by the skin of bullshit.”

Take the survey and vote for your favourites!

#twws #that's what we said #d&d

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jess-oh · 6 years ago

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Reflection

Hey journal!

I’m still thinking a lot about what Jason told me yesterday. And I’m not upset that he told me, in fact, I’m glad. This way I know what mistakes I’ve made and how to fix them and what I can do from here. I really do want to do better.

While I was on the bus ride home today, I thought about what I struggle with and why I am the way that I am. And I think my biggest struggle is always try to do everything alone by pushing other people away. I’ve been actively trying to suppress my own issues in order to better accommodate others and make them feel more comfortable. I know that I’ve overshared in the past and it was never my intention to make them feel uneasy. I just did it because I felt I had no one else to turn to. But even as I type this, my heart really does hurt because I do keep a lot bottled up inside because I feel like I can’t share this with anyone else. It’s not that I’m afraid to share this information but I don’t want to be a burden and I’m afraid that if I do share something deep and personal again, no one will respond positively again and I’ll just end up making them feel uncomfortable again. And I don’t want that. I just need to work on building relationships with certain people in my life where we can both feel free to share with one another and I don’t feel like I’m being a burden. I do feel really alone but I also know it’s partly my fault for pushing people away at all. I was thinking about if I did fall back into my depression and suicidal thoughts and I think I would just stop going to church for a while and stop being so eager to greet and meet new people. I would just go straight to class, pretend like I’m fine, and go home and wallow in my depression. I wouldn’t tell anyone about it—especially not those from church. If anyone asked me how i was doing, I would just brush it off as, “Hey! I’m fine, just been busy recently! Sorry!” and move on. And no one would suspect a thing. And I would continue down my path of misery. I would self harm again, I would continue to fall deeper and deeper into my hole, and be unable to climb back out. And then after a good amount of time has passed, I would probably get better and return to church and when people ask where I’ve been, I think I would confess that I had been very depressed but I’m fine now and just glaze over it. But in my heart, I would know that I’m not really over it. In my heart, I would know how hard it was and how alone I felt but how much my wanting of not wanting to feel like a burden outweighed my need for help. I wasn’t sure if it was a pride thing at first, and I think it partly is for thinking that I can handle this on my own, especially without God. But ultimately, I think it is because I don’t want to bring more discomfort and misfortune than I already have.

And I know that Sofia and Andrew want to be there for me but I’m really happy for them and I don’t want to drag them down with my problems either. I know I need to be there as emotional support for my sister and I know my parents are stressed from paying our school tuitions, working, and being involved at church. They all have their own things going on and I’m happy for them and want to be there for them, even if that means putting my own health on the backburner.

I am awful at taking care of myself because a lot of the times, I don’t think I’m worthy of it. I don’t actually deserve to treat myself or receive love. I work so hard to try and achieve it but in my hearts bc of how I was raised, I can never believe that it’s real. I can never believe that my friends actually do really, genuinely care for my wellbeing bc my parents never did so why would anyone else?

I’m haunted by my mom yelling at my face, asking, “How could anyone be so stupid?! What’s wrong with you?!” I’m haunted by the wails that my aunt let out at Robbin’s funeral. I’m haunted by that fateful day on the beach.

I work and try so hard to do so much in order to be enough. In order to be enough for myself and others and no matter how much praise I may receive, in my heart, I don’t believe it. I still think it’s just pity. It’s not real. How could it be. I’m not working hard to please people. I working hard to be good enough for myself but that is a goal that I will never achieve. I want to understand how precious I am in God’s eyes and until I can do that, I don’t know that I’ll ever truly be able to serve other people. Because I think so long as I cannot love myself and only see a failure whenever I look in a mirror, I’ll always just be using other people to try and achieve my goal of being good enough for myself which is still, in itself, a selfish goal. I’ll never actually be serving bc I care so much for others but I will instead, only be trying to further my own goal. I don’t understand what it means to rest which is why it’s so hard for me to understand why P. Josh thinks it’s okay to do so and why I’m always so quick to disagree.

Today, I got to hangout with Sharon after working on some homework and work. Work went well. I had some great talks with Amanda and we ate lunch together. I mustered up the courage to apologize to Thor and he was actually totally okay and didn’t mind sharing. My apology was unexpected and he accepted it as is. I also apologized to Angela and Chaeweon yesterday. Angela saw it but didn’t reply and Chaeweon said it was okay. Regardless, I’m glad to apologized to them bc I really am genuinely sorry. And maybe it was healing and maybe it was just out-of-the-blue. But I’m happy I did it.

One of my biggest fears is that if I confess and admit and tell P. Josh that I’m mentally actually not doing great and need to understand how God loves me first before I can learn to love others, he would kick me out of MAST. And I don’t know it’s just my stubbornness or my pride but I would be mortified if that happened. And I would try to plead and beg him not to kick me out and do whatever I could to stay. And I would know why he would need me to step down. But I would still try and stay. For the community, and the chance that we could build a community together within MAST and I would grow mentally healthier there. Or that I would be in MAST to know God better. Or whatever the reason. I would try so hard to stay.

I just zoned out and imagined Jason seeing my phone with the last result being a noose and him, laughing and telling everyone to look at tease me together. But, actually feeling suicidal, would be mortified and look at him with such sad, hurt eyes before immediately running out in shame. I wouldn’t even stay in the bathrooms, I would just run off the premise of the church and run as far as I could. And then I would take a lyft and go home. I would then get dropped off at Promontory Point and just yell and scream in grief at the sea. And then, I would slowly walk in and plan on drowning myself. Finding it kind of poetic. Just as I Iived invisible, I would also die invisible, with my body never being found and instead taken away by the sea. And that thought, brought me so much peace and comfort and made my heart stop hurting. Knowing that my pain and suffering would finally be over.

I don’t want to believe that I’m bipolar bc that means I have another mental condition that I have no control over but it might be true. I do feel extremely happy and extremely depressed pretty quickly. But actually, I think it’s just because I secretly always feel awful about myself and depressed but by keeping myself busy and on my tippy toes, I never have to face it or look at it. But after what Jason said to me, I can’t turn away anymore. This definitely requires much more thought and I plan on meditating and wrestling with this for the next few days. Or probably even weeks. I think there’s a lot to unpack and tear apart and figure out what to do before facing Jason and everyone again on Sunday with a grin on my face, as per usual. Not letting them know that anything is wrong.

#reflection

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me-mindfulexistence · 7 years ago

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You Will Die...

You will die...and So will I....I do not know when I will die... and I do not know how I will die...but this I do know for sure.... IT IS MY WISH that when it does happen- My loved one’s will allow my body to decompose naturally (immediately).... because I do not want it to be treated with toxic chemicals...and I do not want to be put on display so you can view my breathless corpse dressed in my “Sunday best” with my face made up like a cosmetology school mannequin because ‘that’s what is suppose to happen’...You will not get to say your good-byes to my lifeless shell that is laying on some kind of silky plush pillow-like material in a large overpriced fancy box at a religious venue that I frequent only a few times a year....with a service lectured by someone who doesn’t even know me....That’s not what will happen. I will be gone and I will not allow my dismissal to become part of a systematic, ritualistic ‘business’ that funeral homes and even churches/religious establishments are capitalizing on.... and as a result it is killing the environment and someone’s pocket book. (see a GREAT video at the end of this blog)

*The cost of an average funeral runs around $10,000+, according to the Berkeley Planning Journal. This includes undertaker and cemetery fees, a burial vault/plot, flowers, clothing, transportation, and other related charges.

**Churches themselves usually do not have a ‘formal fee’ and do not charge for the funeral service of a congregation member...BUT it is an unwritten rule of etiquette that it is expected the family give a donation to the church, pastor/priest and anyone assisting (this monetary donation is vastly different depending on where you attend and live)

With nearly 2 million people buried every year, the funeral industry as a whole rakes in about $15 billion a year....quote “A cash cow”

So....How did this whole process start? Why embalm? How many caskets can keep going into the ground before there are too many? What are the alternatives?

Embalming bodies began basically during the civil war b/c men were dying in battle and the families wanted their bodies ‘in tact’ for burial when they arrived back home. So to delay the decaying process they utilized toxic chemicals to preserve the corpse....It was also during this time period that ‘undertakers’ really ‘broke ground’....literally and figuratively in communities (as previously....viewings, services and burials were all done at home by the family in a private manner without any outside interventions). See the photo below.

*an interesting fact* “ Most grander homes of the 19th century had a false, or "death door" placed off of the formal room, that led to the outside without steps to remove a deceased family member. It was considered improper to remove a body through the door, the living crossed to enter, also, it was considered bad form to carry them out feet first. Later a grave was dug, in the family cemetery. http://thefuneralsource.org/hi0301.html

**According to an article published in the Berkeley Planning Journal, more than 800,000 gallons of formaldehyde are put into the ground along with dead bodies every year in the US. That's enough to fill one and a quarter Olympic-sized swimming pools each year.

Fact: Many parts of the world are running out of burial space. Places are beginning to combine bodies, stack bodies, and even leasing plots for ‘x’ amount of time (example 15 years with an option to extend the lease or else the body is removed) to ‘recycle’ the plot

According to the Berkeley Planning Journal, conventional burials in the US every year use 30 million board feet of hardwoods, 2,700 tons of copper and bronze, 104,272 tons of steel, and 1,636,000 tons of reinforced concrete.

The amount of casket wood alone is equivalent to about 4 million acres of forest and could build about 4.5 million homes. Gross.

These parks/cemeteries generally have sprawling, pristine lawns that require a ton of water, chemical fertilizers, and pesticides to keep them a vibrant green. These chemicals can seep into water supplies or harm wildlife, such as bees. A park for dead people (I’ll never understand it)

They also use up a ton of land. If you added up the entire square footage of all the cemeteries in the US, according to Dobscha, it would measure 1 million acres of land. -FOR DEAD PEOPLE.

http://www.businessinsider.com/burying-dead-bodies-environment-funeral-conservation-2015-10/#memorial-parks-use-a-lot-of-space-and-resources-3

There are alternatives. For one, I’ve always said if my lifeless or dying body could be useful to someone else (or a piece of it)..take it. An organ...tissue, body part....whatever. My shell is not mine anymore...so if someone alive can make use...please do. Once they’re done chopping stuff off or cutting it out (obviously this would depend on the manner in which I died) I would also be willing to donate my body to science. Following that....Natural burial. or whatever way causes the least damage to our planet.... Green. Put my body in some ‘pod’ and let me naturally decompose with a tree over top of me. Let the maggots and worms eat my remains. It’s estimated that without embalming and chemicals it still takes AT LEAST 8-12 years!

As much as I always thought I’d be cremated....and “it is less harsh on the environment than traditional burial.... the process is still noxious. It releases nasty chemicals into the atmosphere, including carbon monoxide, fine soot, sulfur dioxide, heavy metals, and mercury emissions from dental fillings, which are particularly concerning.”

In conclusion, just b/c things have been done a ‘certain way’ for a really long time doesn’t mean it’s the right way or the only way...More times than not people just don’t like ‘change’ or they’re afraid to rock the boat for fear of what ‘others might think’ (even in death!).....and still some people just don’t care and might say “Well, I’m going to be dead anyway..so it doesn’t matter-I’ll do what I want”. I say, if that’s the case then live your life like that when you are alive....Just don’t give one freaking crap about anyone or anything. Just start doing everything you can to be an awful person b/c ‘it doesn’t matter’...vote to raise taxes, slash your wife or husbands tires, throw gasoline in the swimming pool...I don’t know. It’s crazy to think that way. So wake up and just ‘think’. Think for yourself and the consequences that this longterm problem is going to have on our planet.... stop living a thoughtless existence bc you’ve been programmed from a child to believe a ‘certain way’. One of my favorite JFK quotes...”Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of hope”. My 1/2 a cent.

*and as a side note....If you REALLY want people looking at your lifeless body....you DO NOT need to be embalmed! Refrigeration does the trick! Just like the meat you store in a refrigerator...your body can be stored for a certain amount of time in a body refrigerator without any issues. Stop believing the nonsense. It’s a racket. (again....great 3 min “Adam Ruins Everything video below” on funerals)

youtube

#dontembalmme #nocasketforme #SheriHockman

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jess-oh · 7 years ago

Text

Reflection

So, there’s a lot to unpack.

I’ve been starting to put this off again but I do really want to get back into it. I’ve been doing some thinking lately.

First and foremost, I want to get my life in order! I’ve started looking into apartments and how I would decorate it and what theme I’d want. As of right now, I’m into that minimalistic look. I’d want a white and teal theme. I’ve already noticed just how much I gravitate toward that soft, mint color...It’s so pleasing to the eye. I just found out that it’s called “tame teal.” Now I finally have a definitive answer for that “favorite color” question! I knew it wasn’t Tiffany blue because that’s too bright. I like that more pastel, unsaturated look. Anyway, I bought an instant camera that just arrived today as well as looked into vinyls for my future record player! And I really want to get back into working out so I started researching sports bras. I have a goal and I’m making my way towards it and I’m feeling good about myself. I also started investing more time into the dishes and being proactive. I filtered through 222 scholarships on Collegeboard yesterday and today and organized them by deadline. I got this.

But let’s talk about my personal bizz.

And look, I know this is a really messed up mindset...but this is my mindset: I know that I’m still struggling with my self esteem and until i can really feel comfortable in my own skin and have the confidence to stand up for myself, i don't think i can live in California bc I don’t think i'll be able to handle that constant criticism from my fam and just have that constant fear that im being judged by people at Sa-Rang but my mom came into my room earlier today and gave a quick vent about how she just paid ~2k this month for my tuition and i couldn’t help but think if it's hard to pay for tuition now when i had a decent amount of financial aid, how is it going to be in the future when i have less aid? But i can’t come back to cali. not yet.

I started taking my scholarship search more seriously because she told me that. And I’ve been slacking on giving 60% of my paycheck to my loans but I think I need to get back into that. I can spend money on record players and whatnot in the future. But I need to pay my loans of ASAP or else the interest will build and by then, I’ll have no hope of ever paying it off. I need scholarship money so that I can still go to Columbia. I really like it but honestly, the main reason I stay is because I have to. I need to learn to grow on my own and be with myself and mature at my own pace. I can’t do that when I’m constantly fighting my family out here. I tried to for so long and in the end, it made me really unhappy. It drove me to the point of depression and self harm and I don’t want to feel that helpless again. I’m just doing my best to make ends meet right now. And I love my job and school and my work and I try really hard. I got 6 As and 1 B. That counts for something, right?

Right?

Sigh. I don’t know. These vents are nice. I should really do them more often instead of just running away from my problems. They help relieve a lot of stress and let me see more clearly.

I was really nervous about going to church yesterday but in the end, everything worked out okay. I also sprinted out of service the moment in ended to avoid feeling rejected and any awkward interactions....but it still turned out okay. People were surprised and happy to see me and I’m happy that I saw them too. I felt a little bad because during prayer before service, all the attention went to Miriam instead of me. But I understand. She did just get engaged and that’s a huge deal. c: To be honest, I had a lot of anxiety and fear prior to entering. Even before opening the doors into the service room, I quietly reassured myself and tried to expect the circumstances. Even during prayer, something struck a chord within me. I couldn’t help but think of my family. One of the prayer topics was about broken families and that stuck with me. I do have a broken family. I recently found out that my parents’ marriage hasn’t been doing that great again and it honestly hurts me to see them in pain. I wish they would just get a divorce and go their own separate ways. Is that bad? To want them to get a divorce? But their personalities are so different and I think it’s just more harm then help at this point. I just want them to be happy. And they aren’t when they’re together. God, I don’t know what your plan is for them but please, take my mom out of her misery. It breaks my heart to see her struggle and feel that she has to bear the burden.

During the sermon, P. Billy preached about Joseph. By the way, the whole time, I couldn’t help but get distracted. I don’t know why. I did want to focus and I knew what was coming. “Trust.” It’s all about trust. And I have such a hard time with that. Y’know, I probably couldn’t concentrate because I didn’t want to face the truth. How unlike me. What happened?

But yeah, “trust.” Man. I thought I got better at it and I think I did for a while but while out in Chicago, I felt the need to put up this false strong exterior once more and just rely on myself and not on others. I had to in order to survive. And there’s still no one in my life currently that I feel I can just freely open up to. Maybe to Jeanne or Andrew but there’s a part of me that feels bad. For Jeanne, I feel like I’m always the one that talks and she just listens. And I want to be here for her too. I do really want to help her with her problems and not just overwhelm her with mine. And for Andrew, it’s starting to feel like a job more than us caring for each other. Our conversations are so awkward now. We don’t know how to talk anymore.

I’ll never forget when he said he’d always be here for me when I was freaking out at the beginning of the year though. That meant so much to me. I cried.

But back to “trust.” Trust. I have trust issues. I always have and I might always will. Trust in myself, in others, in God even. I feel like I don’t have anyone again and honestly, it’s been really hard to fend for myself. I don’t know anyone. I just feel

l o s t .

During his sermon, I couldn’t help but realize where my trust issues come from. It’s from my childhood and how I was raised. But most importantly, it all leads back to that one night at the beach. The night I’ll never forget. That I never can forget. And I know it wasn’t their fault. They didn’t mean to leave me. It was just because I was so quiet. But that night changed my life forever and I’ll never be the same. I still remember. I thought it was my fault. I thought I wasn’t good enough and I didn’t know what I did wrong. That night, my self esteem took a sharp blow and I’ve never fully recovered. Maybe I really do need a therapist...I want to get over this but I can’t tell this story without crying. Every. Time. From that night on, I vowed to be louder. And it was hard and I struggled and I still do but I want my voice to be heard. I need it to be heard. So that that doesn’t happen again.

The reason I always reach out to those kinda awkward and quiet isn’t because I feel bad for them. It’s because I am them. I’ve been there and I know what it’s like and I just want to be there for them. Because when I didn’t have anyone, I felt alone. And I don’t want anyone else to feel the way I did. I need to know that no one else is suffering the fate that I did.

Dear God,

I don’t know how you plan to use me but please, I need your guidance. And I know it ultimately all comes down to me just really being able to trust you. And I’ve done it before and I loved it when you were the center of my life because everything made sense and I could always rest assured that everything would work out. And it did. But now I’m not so sure. A lot has happened since then and as much as I want to trust you, I don’t know if I can. I’m too scared. What if you’re not real? What if this fails? What if this. What if that. There are so many questions swirling around in my mind that are causing me to doubt you. And I don’t want that. I know that you are real. I know that we have met. I know that you saved me. I know. I know that in my mind and my heart but I still can’t help but become consumed by all my flaws and faults and mistakes and how I’m worse than other people and constantly comparing myself to others. And I don’t want to. Honestly, I don’t. It just makes me feel bad. But I still do. I’m my own worst enemy. I’m in my own way. And I don’t know how to get over that. As much as I want to.

God, I just pray. I really hope and pray. That I can find my way back to you. I don’t feel accepted enough to post in my church group anymore. Any of them. But I do need help and prayer and guidance and I don’t know who I can trust. P. Billy? Maybe? He seems to be the most understanding. I love his preaching style. He’s so funny and yet so blunt. He speaks the truth and is clothed in confidence from the Lord. And I really admire that about him. More than anyone else in my life, I look up to him the most.

Dear God,

I pray for guidance and healing. Please. You spoke to me on Sunday and I knew it was coming. I want to reread my sermon notes tomorrow and I really hope that I do. I’m not sure if I will but I really hope that I do. I want to review and see how you really spoke to me.

Thank you, God.

And I pray this all in your name.

Amen

#reflection

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