#if i ever watch the new series i will yo ho ho that shit

[whozui]

my little queer heart loves the x-men but i will not support marvel

mutants wouldn't want me to anyway

[krissiefox]

Wander Over Yonder (Series Review) (Contains Spoilers!)

Yup, I'm finally reviewing another cartoon! But I just don't have the energy to undertake a project like when I reviewed every single freaking Aosth episode one at a time, so this time around I'm going to look at the series as whole.

Warning: I will discuss spoilers throughout this review, so if you are interested, please go watch the cartoon first! Thanks to disney being stupid, it's still only available on disney plus - so you'll either have to pay for that or find another means to watch it. Yo ho ho!

Wander over Yonder is a delightful, colorful and energetic Disney cartoon than originally began airing back in 2013. Its stories mainly revolve around its two main characters, Wander and Sylvia. Wander is a an altruistic space hippie who resembles a muppet-like creature, and his best friend Sylvia is a very butch-coded and punchy Zbornak, a species that is somewhere between a dragon and horse.

Wander and Sylvia's lives seem to have consisted of traveling the universe in a magic space-safe bubble, having fun and helping folks. Things get a little more dangerous though, when one day they cross paths with one of the show's main villains - Lord Hater. Hater is a hilariously pitiful caricature of toxic masculinity - constantly needing reassurance that he's "the coolest guy ever" and seeking validation by destroying and bullying everyone and everything around him. Despite his very impolite behavior, the ever-affectionate and loving Wander is determined to see the good in Hater and help him find a healthier way of managing his feelings than "punching lame nerds in the face". Lord Hater's minions, the Watch Dogs, are also frequent targets of Hater's bullying but mostly maintain loyalty nonetheless. Chief among the Watch Dogs is Commander Peppers, who is far more professional about being a villain than Hater himself could ever hope to be.

After the introductory setup, we'll see that many episodes consist of Hater trying to do something nasty, and Wander managing to mess it up just by being kind and nice. Many times, the Watchdogs will neglect their job duties and get distracted by Wander, as he treats them much better than Hater does.

This sounds like it might be a repetitive theme, but the show does a great job of always throwing out variety in its stories. You'll see the "standard" Wander vs Hater stories but you'll see stories of Wander and Sylvia doing things on their own, and Hater and the watchdogs doing things on their own, and over time a whole slew of secondary villains and friends show up in the story as well! Given the setting of the show is an entire galaxy, this also gave the creators plenty of room to constantly change up the scenery with different worlds, different creatures, and even the occasional trip into alternate realities! Most episodes are comedy based, but every now and then the show comes out swinging with a very sweet or moving story as well, and these are done just as well as all the zany comedy.

In season 2, the show introduces a new villain - Lord Dominator - bringing with her some big "shit just got real" energy. Unlike Lord Hater, she is much, MUCH more powerful and competent as a villain. She becomes such a threat that even Lord Hater is occasionally willing to work with Wander in helping fight her, as her relentless destruction of every planet around is only making him feel even more like a failure of a villain. At the end of the season, she is finally defeated in the sense that her ship is destroyed along with all of her robots, but she has no remorse for her actions and vows revenge on everyone who stood up to her. Sadly, the show only got 2 seasons, as disney never gave the creators the green-light for anymore.

So that's my brief summary of the overall story-line, but how does the show look and sound? Well, just check out these screenshots for the visuals, they're fantastic! The art team put a whole lot of love into this show and it shows. With an entire galaxy for it's characters to run around, the background artists will treat you to countless beautiful, bright colorful worlds and environments. The characters are very well animated and extremely expressive, and the voice acting is great as well. There are many visual nods to old Hanna Barbera cartoon days and also seems to be love for the funky architecture, color schemes and aesthetics from classic scifi art, as well. The team behind the show has some familiar names attached to it such as main creator Craig McCracken (Powerpuff Girls, Dexter's Lab), season one co-producer and story editor Lauren Faust (My Little Pony FIM), and the lovable Tom Kenny providing the voice of Commander Peepers (Spongebob, Adventure Time).

In terms of themes and messages, the show gets a lot of things right which is another reason I admire it. Wander's altruistic nature lends itself to many wholesome story-line moments, and the interactions between him and Sylvia can often symbolize many people's internal struggle with "wanting to always be kind and helpful while also not being a doormat for all the bullies out there who don't appreciate kindness".

The show also has a couple episodes that touch on the importance of consent, which I like a lot. In one episode, Lord Hater ends up in the care of Wander and Sylvia after getting heavily drugged up during a painful dentist visit, and he's so blitzed out of his mind that he doesn't remember anything about Wander or being a villain and just enjoys spending time with his "new friends." At the end of the episode, Hater starts to put his mind back together, and flees in disgust at the thought of being friendly with the two. Naturally, Wander feels hurt and dissapointed, but as Sylvia tries to comfort him he also points that it wouldn't be right to have Hater's "friendship" with him not be of his own conscious choice.

Similarly, in another episode, we meet a villain (who is voiced by Weird Al!) who is like a corrupted version of Wander - instead of wanting to help people be happy, he forces them to be "happy". This infuriates and disgusts wander as he believes people must experience joy of only their own free will.

Overall I love the series, but I did some have some criticisms. One of the more minor ones is that it felt like they might have had a limited sound effects budget, as I noticed the show reused the exact same "Wham!" and "crying baby" sound effect so many times that it started to get distracting to me. I know good audio recording equipment is expensive as hell and thus can understand folks using stock sound effects, but I feel the show might have benefited from maybe some extra foley sounds to add more variety.

Another thing I didn't care for sometimes, is that there's handful of episodes that just feel very mean-spirited towards Sylvia, and in some of them Wander himself is the one being hurtful or even downright creepy towards her in some way or another. The moral of these stories is often Wander realizing he was being terrible, but it feels like the subject gets taken too lightly sometimes. Similarly, the show does occasionally have the mean-spirited gag of "bad things keep happening to Sylvia and we're supposed to find it funny", an old cartoon trope that's always disturbed me. Slapstick is one thing, but when it feels the writers are just bullying a character it can get uncomfortable.

There was a subplot throughout much of season 2 that rubbed me the wrong way, too. When Dominator is first introduced, everyone initially assumes her to be a guy under her suit of armor, but when Wander later realizes she's a woman, he immediately jumps to the idea of trying to hook her and Hater up as a couple. Part of his reasoning is that he feels like if Hater and Dominator are busy with making the smoochy-smoochy, they'll both lose interest in destroying planets and bullying their inhabitants. But still, the hetero-normative trope of just assuming that every woman is interested in A - relationships period, and B - a relationship with a man, is the kind of attitude I'd expect from Lord Hater, but not from sweet little Wander. He goes on about this for much of season 2, and Hater is also on board once he sees Dominator without her helmet on, but I am glad that at-least both Sylvia AND Dominator find the notion ridiculous the entire time, and at the end of season two, we don't have the additional sexist trope of her caving to a relationship she was never interested in having, thus "the bad girl getting redeemed via hooking up with a dude" trope.

On the subject of character relationships, I personally think if Dominator isn't just an asexual/aromantic killing machine she would most likely go for Sylvia if anyone, since she's the only one who actually came close to becoming friends with Dominator in one episode. Also, I got the impression that Commander Peppers really had a thing for Hater, as well. If Hater ever grows up, he and Peepers could make a cute couple, I'm sure. :)

Despite some of these things that bothered me, I still think the show is pretty great over all. While it could definitely use some more gay and less heteronormativity , it does still have a lot of wholesomeness and positive messages, lovely art, great humor, lovable characters, and even some very moving episodes. Now I just really wish the greedy putzes at disney would give this show a DVD set already! Hell, they never even made any plush toys. I want a little plushie of Sylvia, dammnit!

[darealsaltysam]

what your paladins main says about you

a comprehensive essay by a paladins player of right around 4 years

this is like really long so i’ll make it under the cut so my followers don’t have to scroll through this if they don’t wanna

(for context i’m a current maeve main, i used to main skye and sha lin and played tyra a long while ago)

.

Androxus

it’s not a phase, mum

“i don’t care we don’t have healer, i’m really good at him i swear”

you ult every time it loads in and you die before the final shot

your favorite mode is siege because you can fly up and shoot the whole point on ult

you’re usually really stand-offish and don’t communicate much and/or a 13 year old boy with anger issues

.

Ash

you are level-headed but in a scary way

you will hold the point solo even if it costs you your streak

“get on the point” “guys get on the point” “attack the objective”

you’ll ult to save yourself 99% of the time

good leader

.

Atlas

you probably used to main lex or androxus before he came out

“he’s like a flank, but a tank, he’s great!”

you chase after solo kills instead of sticking to the point

healers hate you, flanks and damages fear you

your favorite mode is death match

.

Barik

you’re a former/current tf2 player looking for something fresh

you don’t like working too hard so you spam turrets on the point and hope for the best

“healer stick to me i’m boutta ult”

actually really nice between rounds

but you don’t communicate much mid-game and kind of do your thing

.

Bomb King

you’re a really old player. you have the beta makoa skin and you were there when lex was first released. veteran’s discount.

your favorite maps are the old ones and they barely show up any more

the team always underestimates you

“who plays bomb king in 2021 lol?”

you need a hug

.

Buck

“wait, he’s a flank? i thought he was a tank??”

you’re also a veteran in the game

you’re a dying breed. i like never see you. do you even exist?

you’ve been here since like the first day of the game

buck gets so many skins and you want all of them but the best you have is a random recolor

.

Cassie

sweetest person alive

“we can do it guys! let’s try to all rush the point this time!”

you are the bane of every flank

the opposing team hates you, your own team kind of doesn’t notice you’re there

*casually gets a pentakill*

.

Corvus

you know those weirdly political kids who like ww2 and know the details of every tank to ever exist? yeah that’s you

but like that’s corvus. as a character.

but no one ever plays him.

like i never even see him do you exist???

you are a cryptid.

.

Dredge

yo ho you’re a hoe

no seriously the other team views you and they FEAR you

“yeah i just got a penta kill” “YOU WHAT?” “eyes on the point mate don’t get distracted”

hella good at the game and hella casual about it

you like onslaught on the one sea map the most

.

Drogoz

another veteran, are we?

you’re either useless or can wipe out a whole team in seconds. there is no in-between.

you always have a really cool skin.

dovahkiin, dovahkiin...

“i don’t care about the point i gotta get them trips”

.

Evie

you bought her because you thought she was cute, admit it

*turns into ice right before dying* *turns into ice right before dying* *turns into ice right be

your personality type is identical to her. no question about that.

always buys faster reload and better speed

strangely good communication with the team

.

Fernando

gay gay homosexual gay

“he’s kinda hot if you look at him the right way”

fernando is the tank for gay people

you are gay people

i don’t have much more to say

.

Furia

mum energy. not as much as inara mains, but still, mum energy.

will protect every member of the team with your life, even the flanks

you’ve been maining her since she was first added

i bet you didn’t even know she’s canonically seris’ sister

“we’ve literally failed to capture the point the last 3 times we might as well give up and go to another game”

.

Grohk

“yeah i have a gremlincore tumblr blog, how could you tell?”

i honestly have no words

you’re kind of like a catboy but a racoon

do you even heal the team or do you just pretend

you were there when lex got announced and thought he was cringe, now everyone finally agrees with you

.

Grover

he was your first purchased character and he’s stuck around ever since

he’s the only healer you can play well

“i am groot lmao”

you would never say a word to your team

would give your life for the tank but that’s about it

.

Imani

daenerys targaryen on drugs

your favorite anime is my hero academia

your husbando is todoroki

you see where i am going with this

“team protect me i’m gonna ult” *dies 5 seconds into ult*

.

Inara

BIG MUM ENERGY

your team is your family. you will protect them with your life.

can only hold your own with a good healer so you have good teamwork going for you

*cutely places wall in front of your ult*

useless in tdm so you stick to onslaught, siege and koth

.

Io

are you a furry, furry, or a furry?

“victow! dont ult on my tweam pwease! uwu!”

you 100% find her attractive in some way shape or form

you are either a 30 year old redditor who enjoys loli content or a 16 year old teen who is playing a shooter for the first time

she’s kind of cute, i guess

.

Jenos

i can never tell if i’m going to absolutely destroy you or if you’re gonna kick my ass

*cutely holds you up so the whole team can shoot you to death*

kamehameha

you’re a healer??? i guess???

your character has such deep lore and i bet you don’t even know half of it

.

Khan

one day you were playing and your team desperately needed a tank. you picked the first one you saw. suddenly, you’re lian’s foot stool

despite 2 layers of heavy armor, you’d still let this man walk all over you

“this skin is really cool, wish it wasn’t behind a pay wall...”

YEET

you actually know the game’s lore, for some reason

.

Kinessa

i never trust people who are good at a sniper. if you’re bad that’s natural and you’re 99% of the population. if you’re good you are definitely up to something

you’d sell your sister for 5 pennies if you could

you’re missing from the team all game and somehow have the most kills

“we have a kinessa???”

you are an urban legend to your team

.

Koga

someone’s been watching naruto

you are so shit at the game. like i’m sorry. no one’s good at koga i’m so sorry

how do you have so many skins for one character???

you’re always missing from the point

healers hate you. so does the enemy kinessa.

.

Lex

quit the game /nm

“who mains lex in 2021??? lmao???”

wall hacks, aimbot, and it’s all legal for you as an ability. you are a hacker in a world of puny vanillas. you like it easy so you go for the easy min max character. have fun getting hated

you think he’s hot and press on his loading abilities just so he can scold you and you can hear him being mad at you

*bonk* go to horny jail

.

Lian

"she could step on me”

you used to main some sort of healer but switched over when you got sick of everyone being needy

you can hold a point all on your own for a really really long time but the moment your team gets there you start flunking

you wish you had more skins for her

you don’t

.

Maeve

so imagine this. it was like 2018 and you were just chilling playing the game. you kept getting killed by maeve. in every game. she was in every game you went to and she kept killing you over and over and over again. you got frustrated, snapped, and bought her to see if you could do the same to others. you are now the maeve in every game. the cycle repeats.

your whole team doubts you but then you casually get a quad kill and they just sort of look away

you die a total of two times each round and 99% of the time it’s because you go too fast and fall off the map

you repeat everything she says in her accent because you think it’s cute

“welcome to ze meant streets, kitten!” “can you shut the fuck up” “i hate to cut and run, he-he!”

.

Makoa

you have the plushie skin or the beta skin, otherwise you don’t main and only play casually stop lying to yourself

“attack turtle go brrr”

you’re really good if you get paired with a good healer

otherwise you’re useless

you wish you could get better teammates because you could really thrive with an organized group. but on paladins you won’t get that, i’m sorry-

.

Mal’Damba

i always forget this guy is even in the game

you’re definitely under 6 foot IRL

you have an older sibling you always fight with

you’d love to have a snake irl

you’re really chill outside of the game, but when playing you hella rage

.

Moji

you are so precious

but also such a little shit

you annoy me but i also want to give you a hug

“let’s go guys!! to the point!! wheee!!”

please never change but also get out of my sight

.

Octavia

you always main the new character until the new person drops

somehow always have enough credits to buy the new champion whenever they come out

you don’t like having a stable main cuz you get bored

you like hanging out at the training rage

hate siege and love team death match, you like your games quick

.

Pip

you are the worst and best thing to ever happen to this game

you only pick him to heal yourself and hardly ever heal your team

no one notices you there until you ult

then you get focused

honestly you just seem like you wanna do your thing and i can respect that

.

Raum

you probably go to therapy or desperately need it

“BIG MAN BIG. HE IS BIG. BRRRR”

you always love the demons in media

you like being in charge of the team and wreck the point any time you are there, you like fighting on your own but having a healer nearby is nice too

you probably have daddy issues

.

Ruckus

you think ruckus’ and bolt’s dynamic is cool and that’s one of the main reasons you started playing him

he’s the only tank you can play

you used to main either inara or ying at some point but chose violence instead

really short irl. you physically relate to ruckus and spiritually to bolt.

“funny goblin man :)”

.

Seris

certified girlboss

you can hold an objective all on your own or heal your whole team no problem. either way you are SLAYING

“alright. who’s ass am i kicking today?”

mum energy is inferior to inara but still kind of there

i’m like 50% sure you have a foot fetish

.

Sha Lin

*pointing and chanting* incel, incel, ince-

whether that’s about you or the character you can decide

you like minecraft bedwars on the side

“if i don’t get this headshot i am literally going to spontaneously combust”

really useful when there’s no other long distance people - otherwise a nuisance

.

Skye

AWOOGA *jaw drops to ground, eyes roll out of head* BOOBA BOOBA BOOBA

you bought her for the tiddies, didn’t you?

she’s actually really satisfying to play once you get the hang of her, but can be real tough on rough days

you need a break i think - maybe play some other game for a bit?

*casually gets team kill with ult*

.

Strix

you own at least one pretty knife

you played him when he was unlocked on rotation, fell in love, and spent a whole evening collecting credits to buy him fully

“haha bird man”

i’ve said what i said about snipers. if you’re actually good at him you are hiding a body somewhere. i fear you.

why does everyone ship him with viktor????

.

Talus

little furry child

he reminds me of tommyinnit because he is small and annoying

if you play him you are tall and intimidating 

i’m friends with a tall scary talus main

i can’t say bad things please spare me

.

Terminus

you always ult at the worst time and just get killed again 5 seconds after

“hey losers watch this” *goes on the point, dies, revives, kills one person and dies again*

you’re only a good tank if you cooperate

you don’t

on your own you’re a pretty good player

.

Tiberius

*sigh*

you think the cat is hot, don’t you?

“his accent is kinda cute tho hehe”

you saw that one ending scene in zootopia with the dancing tigers and it CHANGED you

you are probably a furry. if not your awakening is coming. be ready.

.

Torvald

you’ve been playing this game for too long

you’ve seen skins rise and fall. you’ve seen nerfs and buffs. you’ve seen reworks and remakes. you are ancient. older than the dragons and wiser than makoa. respect.

people see you on the opposing team and get really annoyed

“the point is really crowded, we can’t move in” “don’t worry guys, my ult is charged up”

you’re really good at all the characters but you like this guy a lot because you think he’s funky fresh

.

Tyra

you’re either new to the game or have been playing for too long

either way you can KICK ASS but you need to keep behind your team to do the most damage

flanks are the bane of you, especially the fast jumpy ones

you really want one of the cooler skins but you can only ever get the basic ones. such is the curse of maining one of the OG characters.

“bite me”

.

Viktor

you are level 100+ guaranteed, and everyone fears you

“oh shit they got a victor. flank focus him”

you probably play COD and CS:GO normally and wanted to go with something familiar and easy. your skill from the other more advanced games DWARFS everyone else

but why are you playing “guy with gun 132″ in a game with magical elves and fairies. like come on bro.

you don’t have any in-game friends because paladins is your guilty pleasure game you would never admit to

.

Vivian

“step on me” syndrome cranked up to 100%

this woman could spit on you and you’d still respect her more than your own mother. good for you

“i’m not a simp. i’m just tier 3 subbed to pokimane ironically”

you sweat the game hardcore. former victor main or he’s your secondary.

you’ve got her on level 50+ at least

.

Vora

like the maeve mains but somehow worse

bought her out of spite or played her while she was on rotation, now here you are grinding credits for her a day after she became unavailable

honestly you’re really good at the game i have nothing else to say

you enjoy the newer characters more than the OGs - you’re either a former vivian or lian main

you miss the play of the game feature in the game because you’d get all of them with this girl

.

Willo

you seem like the moji mains at first but show your true colors soon after

“fuck you” x50

you are a trash talker on max overdrive. you need to sit down, do some breathing exercises and have a drink.

you hate your own team more than the opposing guys

when you see a willow on the opposing team you make it your sole goal to eliminate her as many times as humanely possible

.

Yagorath

i bet you didn’t know she was canonically female until you read this

you don’t like sweating too much so you pick the tank that leaves you heavily relying on your healers and damages

you can hold a point really well so you like siege and onslaught

“are vora and yagorath connected in the lore somehow and do i really care?”

you have a friend who you always party up with to be your healer, otherwise you might switch to another character

.

Ying

“tanks love me, flanks hate me”

you are too powerful. literally. how are you so strong

you’ve mastered the most difficult healer in the game. the others are really easy for you to play but you have trouble with seris

motivate your team a lot but start shading and trash talking if they don’t cooperate

you’ll gladly play someone else for a long while and like taking breaks from her

.

Zhin

this is your first main after switching over from overwatch. we can smell it on you.

you’re really annoyed with his personality and voice lines but the character is too good to play for you to pass him up for that. you respond to his voice lines aloud very aggressively to let him know he’s an ass

“YES ZHIN HEALERS AREN’T USELESS YOU SELFISH PRICK”

you try your best but you’re not a great team player

infinite trips on a good day, die repeatedly without kills on a bad one and you switch over to vora or skye for a bit.

.

this took me hours to write out pls leave reblog and note thanks uwu

[raguna-blade]

Revolutionary Girl Utena 34-39 And The Adolescence of Utena

So hot diggity damn, I finally finished the Series and it’s Sequel movie. (Perhaps it’s not truly a sequel. I will be graceful and acknowledge this as a possibility as I gleefully ignore it because hot damn that movie makes Negative Sense if You haven’t seen the series before (Which I know factually because I’ve watched it multiple times without having seen the series in full proper. That dance scene man) but makes immense amounts of sense if viewed as a sequel. I’m gonna get around to it sooner or later I think, probably sooner since the subject is on my mind, but still) Shit went down. So much has gone down, but the one thing that I can say is that it I am so glad to see that Akio got dunked on in the most pleasing way by the Lady who consistently spat hot fire the entire series.

Also that Dance Scene was SO FUCKING GOOD, LIKE HOLY SHIT GUYS.

Proper Essays and the like to come as I Do a run through thoughts and such, since I got a bunch of them.

Episodes 35-39

Episode 35

Oh Boy prince time again. Oh god. Oh god they changed it again.

I find it interesting that Dios is Still framed pretty sympathetically. He's a solid A plus good guy, but shit goes so horribly wrong that he just...stops. Hm. Wonder if there's a reason WHY he warped so? It doesn't excuse anything but...

Wait, did Utena start recalling everything? Hell of a way to regain your memories.

I do not appreciate the crotch shot here following that last ep.

GODDAMNIT AKIO. YEAH TAKE A WALK AWAY.

This whole scene feels awkward.

Oh damn her face flattened out like whoa. She mad.

Was it Eternity? That warped him...?

What's with the car...?

Also, ….Ok, toga. Car Pyramid too.

Also, is Akio...hm. Oddly Passive? Hm.

Give her a present, say it's from me, and god damnit akio please stop being weird for like 10 seconds.

What's with the carrot in his pocket.

Earrings? Jessu wakaba.

...Wait, was this to tilt TOGA? But why would that do it?

Prince Mystique. I think this shit was actually supposed to til him.

I think Akio actually fucking played Touga. HE THOUGHT THEY WERE PARTNERS AND YOU GOT PLAYED!

Yeah, Touga is fucking TILTED.

He looks so put off right now. Like he's...off. He's off in a way the others haven't been.

Saionji here reading him like a book. Jesus Saionji is tearing him a new one.

Used people like tools and it made you strong IN THE PAST.

Shadow Girls? Feels super early, but it's the second half of the episode. But what's the deal with fish...Oh, fish in the sea. Girls exist to be exploited? Huh...Toga I guess....A Mermaid? Oh, a fish and a personality

LEFT THE BED. OH NO. The earrings. Also, I dislike the soft lovely lovey dovey shading here. Just feels...like liesssssssssssss

Anthy.

He thinks he won the game. He wants her to be a princess.

A princess who will revolutionze the world.

Oh Shit the elevator! It's been too long.

Is it the bros time?

Never come out of this coffin. Is everyone dead here?

Saionji: YOU LOVE HER BRO?

TOUGA: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Final Letter? Hm..Why the play? But I'm making this call. Akio's not actually end of the world?

Saionji: YOU SURE YOU WANNA BE LIKE HIM?

But for real dudes, why you strippin.

...Oh is chuchu a familiar? Or some part of anthy?

Anthy is not having it. AND SH what the fuck WHAT THE FUCK WE JUST GONNA IGNORE HER SPURTING INTO SWORDS?

Honestly, all of this is half making me wonder about the black rose arc cause it feels...mad out of place? It got excised from canon but...hm.

Episode 36

This yinyang shit is increasingly worrisome.

Elevator again? Also, how long has it been since we've seen the rest of the student council. And why does Touga think he needs to beat her to save her?

Hm....

Is the coffin (Coffins) Ohotori? Is this some weird purgatory? Would explain shadow seminar guy.

You sound sincere when you say that. IMPLYING HE DOESN”T THE REST OF THE TIME.

DON'T KISS AND LOOK ALL DREAMY FUCK YOU AKIO. FUCK YOU

WHY CANT THESE GUYS CLOSE A SHIRT?

Oh Stuco? Please be the heroes we need.

Juri: SOMETHING IS WRONG

Miki: WELL SHEIS A GIRL BUT...Uh...I mean that's good? Right? Something is off.

Oh Boy. Revolution TIME.

….What...what are they doing. What's with the  Bike...? Also, the metaphor shit makes me uh..Hm.

Touga: GETTING SECOND THOUGHTS.

Saionji tries to copy akio, and immediately shot down, shits dumb.

Shirt open utena? Copying princly(???) manners there.

Night Dueling...?

So...what's up Touga?

REAL STARS. SEEING REAL STARS FOR THE FIRST TIME!

And it shows the castle? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Man, touga realizing he fucked up but big.

I'm not sure if he's fucking around or for real right now. This is a cute as hell moment i'll grant, but suspect. Touga's got a history.

So he does care. Oh...So that's why he has to win. To keep her away from Akio? But...what's up with that.

...So is Saionji to Anthy as Touga is to Utena? Huh...?

Shadow Time...? Prince of the Horse and the Prince...uh...Hm.

Apocalypse time Hoo boy.

Huh. The Roses growing in anthy's clothes....I wonder if they're supposed to be sorta like...Swords? Analagous to Swords.

Touga and Saionji...Yeah I think that's a HARD ass confirm there. Wait oh my god really?????

That no budget though.

….Touga said he'd protect her and....EVERYTHING GOT REALLY FUCKING WEIRD. THE CARS. ANTHY

Oh man the cars are getting HOT wrecked.

Yo. YO GUYS THIS IS DOPE.

Are the cars the dudes/princes familiars...?

Is it over for us?

BEWARE THE ROSE BRIDE AND END OF THE WORLD

hoo boy. That's...a long ass pause there. And whispering akios name and YEESH SWORDS

oh god is it happening? Oh god it might be happening.

OH FUCK IT HAPPENED. AND SHE LOOKS BROKEN AS SHIT RIGHT NOW.

Utena is...uh...not here right now.

Nanami was RIGHT THE WHOLE TIME. TRIFLING AS HELL AS SHE WAS SHE WAS RIGHT.

ALSO BLUE HAIR AND JURI MIRROR UTENA AND TOUGA OK GOT IT. Shiori is Anthy then I guess.

Utena don't you know how much i've despised you? HOLY SHIT

Episode 37

Hey, Hey, Utena. SHITS FUCKED. ITS HIS FAULT.

DON'T TAKE THE RING OFF OH FUCK. She remembers. Oh boy. Ohhhhhhhhboy.

Only realizing how many fake ass stars are in the apartment.

Anthy is acting more robotic than usual.

Forgive Me! Chuchu.

Oh, the Rose bundle has the whole set of colors don't it. Yep. Orange, green, blue, yellow, red.

End of the World doesn't want things to change?

You two just gonna...just gonna admit how close you are. Touga. Saionji.

Anthy can hear the car noises. If you can still hear it.

GOD I HATE THIS MAN SO MUCH.

Anthy on her mind.

No star mention huh. Stars don't interest him....Hm.

Only place you can see stars are in Anthy and Utena's room.

Is this the first time we've seen utena in red?

….I JUST realized how immensely creepy this picture taking thing is from Akio. Somehow.

Anthy: My brother loves you as well miss utena.

Oh she's fucking up the ball game.

I love this life, I hope our feelings stay the same between the three of us.

Well fucking up the ballgame is off. But falling out the pattern. Never a good sign.

Juri and Miki to the rescue?

Utena is chosen to bring the world revolution. And she doesn't...want it. Been playing prince..So you could make yourself a prince.

Juri: What're you gonna do about anthy. You love her right. You...You know that right?

Nanami to the rescue. YOU KNOW YOU'RE BEING TRICKED YOU MORONS. STAY AWAY FROM AKIO AND ANTHY.

Nanami is a good girl, if a bit of a bitch..

Kozue watching like a hawk.

Miki: Hey I'm a bit in love with you.

Juri: COINCIDENCE?

Duel for her huh. HUH?

Shadow Girls...Why aliens crashing into the tower?

Utena's the Actress here. Shadow Girls OTP. Only one girl can be chosen at the audition.

So, a taste of the princess life?

Hoo boy...Why does he look so fucking angry. Also Anthy with the uh...weirdly sexual pains there.

What do you wanna do in the future Anthy?

Cantarella. A Deadly Poison. Why...are you just bringing that up. Poisoned Tea and cookies...huh?

What's with the record skip.

BOTH OF US TOGETHER 10 YEARS FROM NOW. Yes it would be nice. Just...Just ask her out utena. Please.

...Why are you on the ledge Anthy. uh...Is this a suicide HO SHIT.

I just can't go on. Anthy just...legit tried to kill herself? She just tried to kill herself.

Devoted to true friendship? A gullible fool?

Anthy. You can still turn back huh. Ring On. Prince Mode Engaged. Let's just fucking go.

Episode 38

APOCALYPSE AT THE START? UH. UH PATTERN BREAK? Uh...Shit.

Last two eps, now is the time I guess.

Hold Hands in the face of the End of the World. Let's goooooo

So...That's Dios. And Akio in front. So they're not the same person. For sure.

The Castle where a prince and princess will live together happily

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED TO ANTHY JESSU CHRIST THAT WAS SCARY.

Rose Bride Utena.Make her into a rose bride. Hit him utena.

Yes, what does happen to Anthy. Rose Bride forever. Swords for ever.

Oh are they building on the suicide thing? Please and thanks.

Oh anthy REALLY wants to die. Like she is not even trying to stay alive.

The Rose Bride, a doll with no heart, to be abused and used huh.

Anthy and Utena finally having a heart to heart.

...Kinda feel like they're talking past each other though?

TAKE BACK THE SWORD.

Dios on her side.

The Prince and Castle are illusions. So that include the school...?

Uh...Uh...the star gazing room? Planeterium, that's the word.

Akio's room is the tip top. Casts Illusions.

Is it so wrong? YES FUCKER JESUS.

YOU ARE AN ADULT YOU FUCK. ITS NOT POSSIBLE TO BE FAIR.

You never tried to understand anthy. Huh...

They are throwing so much here. Like god damn.

Akio claims

HELLAVATOR?

He's trying so hard to get that sword from Utena.

He's...crying?

JUST A WITCH.

OH GOD THE SHELL. ITS BEEN SO LONG!

Nanami too!?

Smash the Worlds shell....oh the end of the world.

The Revolution Duel Has Begun huh.

Akio with his off brand Utena Outfit.

Real Combat huh?

Akio is REFUSING to explain himself. Which is markedly different since he's the only adult here.

I'm Gonna be a Prince...Oh shit is this the duel opening shot. Illusory construct. Oh boy. Oh boy that shit was literal wasn't it.

Anthy...? She looks uh...Not Ok.

Akio isn't though. He's looking uh...Bad too.

ANTHY? ANTHY?! WHAT TU FUCK? THATS HOW YOU END THE EPISODE?!

HOW YOU GONNA STAB UTENA LIKE THAT?

EPISODE 39

uh...pattern breaking again. Where's the opening. Last time to break a pattern I guess. Chance to.

FUCKING STABBED HER! WHY.

You remind me of Dios. But you can never be my prince cause you're a girl.

uh.

Uhhhhhhh.

The Duel Named Revolution. Utena is...Her Their Representative.? She's their Rep.

A boy saved juri's sister, and died. They can't recall his name. Uh...hm.

Y'all just gonna have corn cookin though.

Anthy....?

Do you hate what i've become? Why is he crying?

Y'all just gonna leave Utena dying.

His knowledge is absolute. He chose this path. Claims to love her. FUCK HIM UP.

He couldn't win with his sword, so he stole utenas.

UTENA HANGIN ON.

Stubborn and reckless hero. A taste of true friendship.

OH FUCK THATS A LOT OF SWORDS

Shine with with human hatred. Summoned and deflected by Utena's sword?

HEY HEY WAIT A SECOND. THE FIRST SWORD THAT STRUCK HER IS DIOS/AKIOS. HEY WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE.

Takes the sword in place of the prince. Destiny of the Rose bride huh. And he's sitting here saying she chose this? YOU TALKED HER INTO IT ASSHOLE.

AND HE CAN'T EVE DO IT WITH THE SWORD HE WANTED SO BADLY.

So...Dios...Again. Through the door eternity, and the power to change things. Well damn fuck dios too.

It's interesting that Dios is presented as a powerful figure, but is ultimately pretty impotent here. He holds absolute power but cannot act? HUH.

Broke her sword huh.

Akio: I COULDn'T DO IT SO YOU CAN'T EITHER. FUCKING DUMBASS

Utena; FUCKING TRY ME. THIS SHIT IS GOIN DOWN.

Oh, friend pointed it out. Roses are all her color.

No power, you can't do anything. Just be dependent.

Utena: FUCK OFF. FUCK THIS DOOR. ANTHY

HAVENTS SEEN THIS SHIT IN A WHILE!

And the swords stopped.

Just realized how childish the prince is...

Oh hey a coffin. And her hands are bloody.

Oh...I think HES gonna have to deal with these swords now.

It's anthy in the coffin. Of course. Tracks.

Don't be afraid of the world says baby Utena. Word.

AT LAST WE MEET!? Yeah that tracks. That. Yeah. She's not being the rose bride. She's being Anthy.

TAKE HER HAND ANTHY GODDAMNIT

While i'm thinking, the whole edifice of end of the worlds power broke down.

Someday together. Uh. Uhhhhhh. Hey. Hey wait a minute.

HEY NO THATS NOT COOL. In the end I couldn't be a prince. Forgive me.

The Swords are...Uh...Utena. UTENA! oh..oh shit.

Wakaba. Hero.

Shadow Girls gonna be an actress. 10 year reunion.

Who was Utena again...? uh.. Utena Hopitalized? Uh...Hey wait a second.

Everyone seems to be..going on.

They're all forgetting she ever existed.

He really doesn't realize what happened.

She vanished from your world. Huh.

Oh hey she's in utena's colors. Well maybe her colors.

I SWEAR I'LL FIND YOU. HEY WAIT.

Hey Final frame Utena and Anthy. ALRIGHT.

MAY THIS ROSE REACH YOU.

NOW THE MOVIE

Revolutionary Girl Utena The Adolescence of Utena

Ok, so this isn't the movie proper, just the dvd thing, but Man Anthy looks super. She looks actually kinda confident and active and alive I guess?

Anyway, I'm going into this assuming it's some kind of sequel. I'm looking for that anyway. Whether it's true uh..We'll see.

HERE WE GO

Anthy and Akio on the tower? And now Just Anthy. At the toppest point where things were controlled right?

….what the fuck is this geometry.

Music still slaps.

I'm sure those pictures were supposed to mean something but fuck if I know what.

...What the hell.

Utena!? SHORT HAIR SHARP DRESSED!

Wakaba! Utena being the charmingest though.

On Air? Shadow Girl Radio! Listen Carefully!

This academy is castelvania.

Shadow girls: Dumped again? Rain on her parade? Huh.

Utena's Pavlor Instincts: PRINCE?! PRINCE WHERE!?

Budget yo. Miki and Juri though man. Juri's not a bad choice for prince.

Juri has like 8 times as much hair. Like Damn. Your Rival

Hey it's Touga! Utena is SHOOK

...The Rose Thing is BUSTED.  Just straight wrecked. The Garden. That's the word.

Hey touga what's with the spooky ghost bullshit.

HOW MANY YEARS HAS IT BEEN SINCE WE LAST MET.

I didn't come here looking for you. Surprised you're here.

I'll live with high goals.

More of a pink rose really. Unfurls to reveal...the ring? Huh. Rose Rain now.

Oh...That's DEFFINITELY the highest place in the academy. Structurally uh...uh.......

The Rose Gate looks fucked up. Oh that's a lot of roses. Didn't anthy say something about tending roses...?

Are you not afraid? Anthy looks...really happy. Her hair is down.

I'm the only one captive to the roses. Why'd you come here?

Why'd you come to this academy? And Anthy stopped when she saw the ring. And kinda freaked out.

How do you know about that. Heyyyyyyyyyyy. Saionji.

Rose brides symbol. She's holding that pink/white flower pretty tight though.

Anthy just...kinda went back into robo mode there. And she's not...precisely feeling the ring thing.

Meanwhile, that gate effect.

Do you have a sword? (you know nothing. Last chance to take it off please.)

Utena. A broom ain't a sword, but yeah fuck him up. Ain't worse than what you.

Anthy slap count. But she's active here. She's being a person here unlike before which is.

Anthy is covering her ears.

You're the one who doesn't understand. Is there any girl who's happy to be treated like a possession.

I NEVER SAID THAT I WAS A BOY. FUCK OFF.

Anthy looking hopeful there. DIVE. YOU're NOT ALLOWED TO DUEL WITHOUT A SWORD.

And...Is this song from the original but better but....

Anthy and utena got back into the swing asap. Long Hair Utena returns. Prince Utena rather I guess.

GG Saionji.

PINK MOSTLY! ITS PINK MOSTLY! NOT RED. A LITTLE RED! OH MY GOD THIS MIGHT BE A LEGIT SEQUEL!? Kinda sorta. I'll have to explain myself later.

Touga and Utena are cute as kids. Look at em.

Anthy just...asserted herself.

I don't usually invite people to my room. And then you pull her onto your bed.

Mark of the rose, you know it don't you?

Uh...uh damn Anthy. She's just....straight up feeling up Utena. Looked shocked then certain.

Dreaming of the castle with the prince.

Kozue what are ...what's up with this room. Her prince drowned huh?

Probably the closest we'll get to duelist wakaba here.

Also trying to win her. Well I guess you could say he's here for the dueling.

Hey, Touga don't kiss and tell.

These two are...oddly friendly.

Touga, don't talk to Akio. It's never good.

Calling her a witch.

Prince was a lord of the flies. The witch turned them into a prince.

Wait, not Kozue, that was shiori.

KOZUE, just put a knife to her brothers throat. OK.

Uh...Sold to your father...? Where's nanami though. Calling him a customer makes this uh...infinitely skeeziesr.

Wow Shiori seems a bit uh...

Oh yeah, that's no good. Goddamn poor touga.

Touga: I will win. But I can't be cruel to Juri. High goals man.

This darkness leads to the end of the world....And Dios being a goddamn Cryptid.

The Revolution will begin soon.

Miki: My wish is to obtain more power.

Juri: I want power to be free. To be unconstrained.

Touchy Juri is cool. Big Big Sister Energy there.

Shiori being MAD damicky right now. Trifling. Just absorb Nanami or something?

Miki: Free from Constraints. I get it. Yeeeeeee.

Anthy Please step away from the edge. And you just flash stepped to the center. ok.

Utena is WAY more expressive here too.

“There is no prince” That's...pretty chilling coming from utena actually. And Anthy is so damn touchy feely.

Uh. Uhhhhhhh. ok. Axe antics.

But not in utena which is a step up.

Ooh the ground is mad pretty.

And the starrrs. YoooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Anthy! Looking mad gentle and sweet here. Duelist Utena! And Rose Bride Anthy!

Oh shit. This dance scene is...And it's their reflections .

NO MATTER HOW MUCH TIME PASSES DON'T FORGET THTA PROMISE. IVE COME ALL THIS WAY AT LAST!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE LIGHT IS ALWAYS SHINING!

THEIR EXPRESSIOSN AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Oh it's the oninon boy.

Draw Each Other huh! eyebrow waggle

Anthy where the hell are you going.What the. And it's the tower huh.

It's just an obvservation room now though huh. Or in this version.

Anthy, smiles when she takes off the ring. SEQUEL VIBE INCREASES.

Anthy, is unquestionably the one in charge this movie. Compared to before. She's way more impish.

Like...How the hell did you talk her into posing nude exactly?

Utena. Utena are you asking her to strip- ANTHY!

Uh what's that sound. WHAT ARE THESE PICTURES? Uh...Uh...wait what's up with the anthy here.

Ok, so Akio/dios being a weirdo again....and there is a fucking hole in her chest. A big honking hole.

SHADOW TIMES:...

Is...Is that nanmi. There's Chuchu and nanami yep, ok. OK. Oh it's the three dudes too.

You had limitless budget and you put this shit in.

...What the fuck was that though. Crocodile kun.

Hey Akio looking...Cool as usual. But is he still awful?

Record skips. Great.

Did he roofie his sister.

Hey fuck that noise WE DUEL NOW

VS JURI

...People can SEE them dueling?

What's with Shiori though.

Juri once again, being a boss. Also, I just noticed that all of their outfits have gotten an upgrade.

...Miki what do you mean who is Touga.

Juri is...WAY madder about her pretending to princedom than before.

Dios Overlay. And Anthy seemed shocked.

…....A Dead Akio. And he was buried under the ground. And Anthy looked...kinda...pissed.

Anthy killed Akio. And Shiori? Out here pulling shit?

...Oh Akio thought she was asleep when he pulled his shit. Hoooooboy.

Oh the interview room. Shadow room?

Akio freaking the fuck out and he killed her.

And he's dead. Pretty pathetically actually.

Deffo the shadow seminar. Hellavator!

...Touga?

So castle showed up when she killed her brother.

Is...Touga dead.

They keep going back to this drowning kid.

Hero Touga. The Touga we deserve.

Well he died in water and not fire, so...Go him. Seemed pretty chill about it.

I finally found you utena. Power of miracles as long as you stay here.

Pull the sword out and just put that shit back in.

Let's get the fuck out of here-CARRED

TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD

Best version of the Apocalypse song, but why a fucking carwwash. Who thought this made sense. It's DOPE to look at but like damn man.

Utena makes a DOPE car though. Like that shit looks awesome. SHES RUSTING  ANTHY. PUT THE KEY IN HER.

Shadow Radio! Hot Damn, Kage OS looks DOPE.

They're all pink haired shadow gals. Which is neat.

Wacky Races Yo.

BIG MISTAKE THINKING YOURE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN TURN INTO A CAR.

Only one who escapes this world. The only one who deserves it is beautiful me. Well...Rip Shiori.

OH ITS THE SWORDS. THEY'RE THE SWORDS.

Ok, this makes CONSIDERABLY more sense if you think of it as a sequel I think.

Needs help? Stuco Squad is there for youuuuuuuuu.

Or at least those who remain.

….WAKABA IS THE JEEP!?

Saionji: I have your back. And when we get to the outside world, I will be there to seduce. The fucking dork.

Oh hey it's the castle making what I must assume is it's last appearance....Oh that's ominous. Das big.

THAT OPENING THEME YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Still freaking weird, but Shadow Girls got your back..

HYE THATS CHEATING!

Oh hey, it's everyone's favorite dickhead.

Where you can be a living corpse.

You can only be a prince in that world.

Goodbye brother, you are no longer my prince.

Hey Akio, how is it you're still the worst.

The balancing act there is crazy like damn you two.

Shadow Girls no more! But we'll miss you.

Anthy Himemiya and Utena Tenjou as the Shadow Girls huh.

Man, the real world looks like shit. (?real World?)

The logistics of it aside, that's a hell of a cool shot.

Return to the outside world we're from. Explore and make the world bigger. Ok. Ok. I get you.

Also. That made LESS sense with context.

[ed-edward-blackbeard]

long-ass fucking questionnaire

yoooooooo, I did it all.

I’m starting this at 1:15 in the morning.  Let’s see how long it takes me to finish.  cause I’m a masochist, apparently.

1: My name? do I HAVE to?  Okay, it’s Kelly.  But I really hate it, so usually I go by Kel.  A few lucky ones get to call me Kelly, but only because I love the way my name sounds when they say it.  There, my dirty secret is out.

2: Do I have any nicknames? A plethora.  Artie (after the fish), Fluffie (long story) Jellybean

3: Zodiac sign? The most Libra Libra that has ever Libra’d.

4: Video game I play to chill, not to win? I don’t play video games.  But I play a few online games, so Doctor Who: Legacy

5: Book/series I reread? The Black Dagger Brotherhood by JR Ward (Series) The Harry Potter books Morgan Chase and the Gods of Asgard by Rick Riordan (series) Good Omens (Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett) Watchers (Dean Koontz) Insomnia (Stephen King)

6: Aliens or ghosts? I have nothing against either.  But I enjoy writing about ghosts more.

7: Writer I trust enough to read whatever they write? Stephen King

8: Favourite radio station? NPR, strangely enough.

9: Favourite flavour of anything? Lemon.  I still thoroughly enjoy chocolate, but my radiation therapy changed the way it tasted.  

10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great? Awesome.  Both with and without the addition of the adjective “fucking”

11: Favourite song? My standard answer is, ‘Everything Louder Than Everything Else’ by Meat Loaf, because I truly love that song, but lately I’ve been on a Game of Thrones kick, and i’m stuck on “The Rains of Castamere” by Sigur Rios and “The Bear and the Maiden Fair” because it’s such a Jaime x Brienne song.

12: The question you ask new friends to get to know them better? Bold of you to assume I have friends.

13: Favourite word? sycophant, gestalt, melancholy

14: The last person who hurt me, did I forgive them? After about, oh, ten years or so, yes I did.  It’s a new thing for me.  usually I hold grudges until the end of time.

15: Last song I listened to? “Stairway To Heaven” by Led Zeppelin

16: TV show I always recommend? Current:  American Gods, Better Call Saul Cancelled/ended:  Hannibal (NBC), Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

17: Pirates or ninjas? Drink up me hearties, yo ho!  Yo ho, yo yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.

18: Movie I watch when I’m feeling down? Usually something from the Disney/Pixar Ouvre.  Except UP.  UP makes me sob in the first ten minutes, so no.

19: Song that I always start my shuffle with/wake-up song/always-on-a-loop song? Du Hast, Rammstein.

20: Favourite video games? Puzzles and Dragons, Doctor Who: Legacy, Dragonvale

21: What am I most afraid of? Snakes, without a doubt.

22: A good quality of mine? I’m creative

23: A bad quality of mine? I don’t think before I speak, so i sometimes don’t end up saying what I mean to say and hurt/offend in the process.

24: Cats or dogs? Bi-petual with a preference to cats

25: Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they’re in? Bruce Campbell.  Alien Apocalypse, anybody?

26: Favourite season? Winter

27: Am I in a relationship? No, although I do love someone very much

28: Something I miss? Being a kid, with all the possibilities of my life still ahead of me

29: My best friend? @mummyholmesisupset and @silvarbelle.  they tie.

30: Eye colour? Hazel-greenish, with a little bit of sunflower around the pupil

31: Hair colour? Normally, a pretty chestnut brown.  sometimes I bleach it or dye it.

32: Someone I love? @silvarbelle, she’s my sister-from-another-mister, and I will throw hands for that bitch in a heartbeat.

33: Someone I trust? @mummyholmesisupset because she’s earned it a hundred times over.  @silvarbelle because I love her like family.

34: Someone I always think about? My grandmother.  she died when I was seventeen, and I still miss her.

35: Am I excited about anything? My birthday

36: My current obsession? Gam of thrones, Doctor Who, Hannibal, the MCU

37: Favourite TV shows as a child? Thundercats, Scooby Doo, 60s Batman, My Favorite Martian, the Monkees

38: Do I have someone of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to? No, thank God.

39: Am I superstitious? Not overly, but I do have a few.

40: What do I think about most? Writing

41: Do I have any strange phobias? Is arachnophobia strange?

42: Do I prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? Behind it, dear God.

43: Favourite hobbies? Writing, reading, pinning things on Pinterest that I absolutely mean to do but probably never will

44: Last book I read? Watchers by Dean Koontz, and I’m in the middle of Fear by Bob Woodward

45: Last film I watched? Backdraft.  “You go, we go.”  

46: Do I play any instruments? Not since band class in the early 90s.

47: Favourite animal? Cat.

48: Top 5 blog on Tumblr that I follow? ???????  I don’t think I do.

49: Superpower I wish I could have? Manipulation of probability

50: How do I destress? Writing, watching Netflix, watching Mythbusters

51: Do I like confrontation? Like it, no.  Good at it, yes.

52: When do I feel most at peace? When it’s quiet and the only noises are the clicking of the keyboard and my cats’ purring

53: What makes me smile? Cute animals, stupid puns, comments on fic

54: Do I sleep with the lights on or off? Off, except for my TARDIS nightlight

55: Play any sports? Fuck no.

56: What is my song of the week? Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

57: Favourite drink? 1% milk.

58: When did I last send a handwritten letter to somebody? A few months?  It was to @mummyholmesisupset in fact.

59: Afraid of heights? Desperately so.

60: Pet peeve? Anchovies, people who don’t use coasters, and men who smoke in public places.  (yes, it’s a movie reference.  And if you get it, I will send you a shiny nickel)

61: What was the last concert I went to see? Black Sabbath’s Theater of Madness

62: Am I vegetarian/vegan/pescatarian? Fuck no.  I am, in fact, omnivorous and diabetic.

63: What occupation did I want to do when I was younger? To be Daphne Blake in Mystery, Inc.

64: Have I ever had a friend turn enemy? Yep.  Not fun.

65: What fictional universe would I like to be a part of? Hannibal’s.  I’m not rude for the most part, so I have a pretty good chance at surviving.

66: Something I worry about? My future.  Cancer has shortened my life span, my relatives are all 65+, and I am an only child with no children of my own (Thank Christ)  I haven’t worked since 2004 (been caretaking sick parents) so I’m concerned.

67: Scared of the dark? I love the dark, so no.

68: Who are my best friends? @mummyholmesisupset  @silvarbelle

69: What do I admire most about others? That they can do things, very well, that I can’t do.  What that is varies from person to person

70: Can I sing? Not very well, but I don't let that stop me...

71: Something I wish I could do? Write professionally.  I love writing fanfic, but I'd kill to be a real, published author.

72: If I won the lottery, what would I do? Pay off bills, go back to college, buy myself a car (pickup, Ford F-150 with fog lights and automatic steering), pay off my mom's bills, hire an aide to stay with Mom, move to my favorite city and hire a winter-time driver because I can't drive for shit in the snow/ice.

73: Have I ever skipped school? Nope.  Often wanted to, never have.

74: Favourite place on the planet? Asheville, NC.  Technically, it's Montreat, which is right outside of Black Mountain and is a township unto itself.  It's also home to Montreat Bible College, established by Billy Graham, and the Chapel of the Prodigal.  It is also home to Lake Susan, one of the most quiet and beautiful places on God's green earth, and I would live by that little lake if I could.  I have photos in my Google Drive, I need to share them sometime.  You'll see what I mean.  But I love Asheville, too, downtown and all.  

75: Where do I want to live? Asheville, NC.  Except I can't drive in the snow and ice, so there's that.

76: Do I have any pets? I have two cats, Samhain Murray (Sam) and Margaret May (Maggie, Maggie May, Margaret Ann)

77: What is my current desktop picture? On my laptop, it's Oswald Cobblepot (Robin Lord Taylor) from Gotham.  On my tablet, it's the Superman logo.  On my phone, it's my cat, Sam.

78: Early bird or night owl? Night owl, given that it's 2:30 AM and I'm still working on this.

79: Sunsets or sunrise? Sunsets, please.

80: Can I drive? i don't know, can you?  I can.

81: Story behind my last kiss? I kissed my cat on his cold wet nose because he was headbutting me and so I kissed him.

82: Earphones or headphones? Earphones, sadly.  I prefer headphones, but headphones are uncomfortable because I wear glasses.  So, earbuds.

83: Have I ever had braces? Did you?  I don't know.  Did I?  Yes, I did, I fucking despised them.

84: Story behind one of my scars? in late 2004, I started getting very ill.  I couldn't keep food down, I was puking all the time, pale and everything, so I went to the ER and found I had a mass the size of a basketball growing in my abdomen.  I was shipped to the local cancer center because of the cancer markers, and at the tender age of 27, I got a hysterectomy.  I was cut from my navel to my diaphragm, old school, because the mass was twenty-four pounds.  Benign, thank goodness, but it had started to go necrotic and I was well into blood poisoning (the reason I was puking and sick all the time).  I still have the scar, and always will.

85: Favourite genre of music? instrumental celtic.

86: Who is my hero? I don't know that I have one, as such

87: Favourite comic book character? SUPERMAN, BABY.  SUCK MY DICK BATS

88: What makes me really angry? Mistreatment of people and animals.  Abuse of people and animals.

89: Kindle or real book? Both have their benefits, but I love the weight and feel of a real book.  I love the portability of a Kindle.  

90: Favourite sporty activity? Marathon TV-binge

91: What is one thing that isn’t tight in schools that should be? There's NOTHING RIGHT in schools

92: What was my favourite subject at school? Creative writing

93: Siblings? Nope, my parents saw their mistake and decided never again.

94: What was the last thing I bought? A pair of Sperry deck shoes with Han Solo and Chewbacca on them.

95: How tall am I? 5'6

96: Can I cook? yes, I can.  perhaps not well, but I can cook enough to feed myself and my mom.

97: Can I bake? Yes, I can.  I'm a SLIGHTLY better baker than a cook.

98: 3 things I love? Writing, my cats, Christopher Reeve

99: 3 things I hate? So many things.  Um, spiders, snakes, creepy clowns

100: Do I have more girl friends or boy friends? at the moment, girl.  when I was in school?  boy.

101: Who do I get on with better, girls or boys? General rule?  Boys, or girls that are kind of not-ultra-girly.

102: Where was I born? North Carolina, that hotbed of conservative bullshit.  I'm actually ashamed to admit that's where I'm from.

103: Sexual orientation? I'm working on figuring that out.  Let's call it bisexual for now, and I'll update you as it happens.

104: Where do I currently live? North Carolina, sadly.

105: Last person I texted? @mummyholmesisupset

106: Last time I cried? Today.  I was watching WALL-E on STARZ, and UP came on while I was finishing dinner.  By the time Ellie was miscarrying, I was bawling.

107: Guilty pleasure? I'm not really guilty about my pleasures, but I do have a soft spot for mind-candy romance novels.  Like Johanna Lindsey, Nina Bangs, Harlequin, etc.

108: Favourite Youtuber? I hate Youtubers.

109: A photo of myself. uh, no.

110: Do I like selfies? fuck no.

111: Favourite game app? Doctor Who: Legacy

112: My relationship with my parents? It varies from moment to moment.  My dad never really understood me, and after he got sick and was in a coma for awhile, it changed him.  so there was never really a chance for him to try.  My relationship with my mom is... complicated.  Sometimes we're BFFs and finish each other's sandwiches, and other times, we hate each other's guts and would gladly murder each other and bury the bodies in the backyard.

113: Favourite accents? Spanish, English/Scottish, all the Asian ones (the gentleman that runs my local Chinese restaurant speaks Cantonese and Mandarin both, and I could listen to that all day.)

114: A place I have not been but wish to visit? London, Dublin, Cork, Kerry, Scotland, Italy, Greece, New York, Japan, Los Angeles

115: Favourite number? 15

116: Can I juggle? Nope

117: Am I religious? Eh, not really.  I go to bible study mostly because I have half a crush on the preacher.

118: Do I like space? YES.

119: Do I like the deep ocean? Not so much.

120: Am I much of a daredevil? NO

121: Am I allergic to anything? Ciprofloxacin, IV contrast dye, Mobic/meloxicam, Zofram/ondansetron, and a ton of fragranced products (I have sensitive skin that breaks out at the drop of a hat.)  

122: Can I curl my tongue? Yep!

123: Can I wiggle my ears? Nope!

124: Do I like clowns? Yes, if they're cute.  NOT PENNYWISE, I HATE PENNYWISE.  But I love Tim Curry's Pennywise.  But that's because Tim Curry is awesome.

125: The Beatles or Elvis? Elvis.  I'm an Elvis chick.

126: My current project? "By Inches We Fall," a Game of Thrones fanfic that's Jaime Lannister x Brienne of Tarth.  I'm also working on some Christmas projects involving spray paint and recycled K-Cups

127: Am I a bad loser? Horrible loser.  I hate to lose.

128: Do I admit when I wrong? sometimes.  depends on who I'm talking to, and the tone of the discussion.  if it's a civil discourse, yes I will.  If we're shouting?  I'm not backing down.

129: Forest or beach? Forest.  A forest doesn't leave sand in your butt crack.

130: Favourite piece of advice? Mind your own business and you won't be minding mine

131: Am I a good liar? I used to be.

132: Hogwarts house / Divergent faction / Hunger Games district? Slytherin/what the fuck is a Divergent/12

133: Do I talk to myself? i do, and sometimes I answer

134: Am I very social? HAHAHAHAHA NO.

135: Do I like gossip? sit by me and pour that tea, bitch.

136: Do I keep a journal/diary? I do, on paper, and you'll never read it.

137: Have I ever hopelessly failed a test? i failed every physics test I took in high school.  after becoming a Mythbusters stan, I retook an online physics test and passed it.  

138: Do I believe in second chances? depends on the situation and the person, but generally not.  i have been known to give them, though.

139: If I found a wallet full of cash on the ground, what would I do? oh man.  I'd like to say I'd turn it in untouched, but.  I also know I've got medication pay for (mine and mom's), her insurance to pay for (i'm uninsured), groceries and gas to buy, so in all probability?  I'd keep the cash but return everything else.

140: Do I believe people are capable of change? No.  People are who they are.  they might change what they think or what they believe in, but who they are?  No.

141: Have I ever been underweight? AHAHAHAHAHA NO

142: Am I ticklish? ...there's no good way to answer.  If I say no, you'll tickle me to prove it.  If I say yes, you'll tickle me.  But yes, I am.  especially my feet.

143: Have I ever been in a submarine? WTF?  No.

144: Have I ever been on a plane? Once, and never again

145: In a film about my life, who would I cast as myself, friends and family? Rebel Wilson as me, America Ferrera as @mummyholmesisupset, Kristen Bell as @silvarbelle, Jessica Lange as my mother, and I can't think of anyone else.

146: Have I ever been overweight? Always, am currently, though I'm working to lose it.  I've lost about 50 lbs in the past year, so I'm doing okay

147: Do I have any piercings? Three in my right ear, two in my left.

148: Which fictional character do I wish was real? Hannibal Lecter.

149: Do I have any tattoos? nope, but I want a couple.

150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far? .....i haven't made a single good decision....

151: Do I believe in Karma? it bites me on the ass often enough, so yes I do.

152: Do I wear glasses or contacts? Glasses, and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to switch to bifocals next time

153: What was my first car? 1979 green Dodge Aries K

154: Do I want children? If they're furry and four-legged, sure.

155: Who is the most intelligent person I know? um, probably my uncle with two frigging masters degrees

156: My most embarrassing memory? I met John deLancie at a Star Trek con once, just coming down the stairs from his room to the con floor.  And I fell all over myself talking to him because I was like, fourteen or something and he was tall and handsome and genuinely happy to be tthere and I was basically every fangirl's nightmare.

157: What makes me nostalgic? watching old TV shows I loved as a kid, or reading books I haven't read in years.

158: Have I ever pulled an all-nighter? Yep

159: Which do I value more in others, brains or beauty? brains.  i'm practically a zombie.

160: What colour mostly dominates my wardrobe? Purple and fuschia equally.

161: Have I ever had a paranormal experience? Not as such, no.

162: What do I hate most about myself? Everything?

163: What do I love most about myself? I like my hair.

164: Do I like adventure? only the ones in books.

165: Do I believe in fate? not really.

166: Favourite animal? Felis cattus

167: Have I ever been on radio? nope

168: Have I ever been on TV? nope

169: How old am I? 42

170: One of my favourite quotes? "Lock the door.  And hope they don't have blasters."

171: Do I hold grudges? you bet your bippy I do.  (what is a bippy and why are you betting it?)

172: Do I trust easily? No.

173: Have I learnt from my mistakes? I hope I have.  But I suspect I haven't.

174: Best gift I’ve ever received? A single cupcake and a rosebud, given to me by the nurses at the cancer treatment center because it was my birthday and I was having radiation and felt absolutely shitty.  so they surprised me with a little cupcake and a rose for my birthday and it made me feel better.

175: Do I dream? Yep.

176: Have I ever had a night terror? Yep

177: Do I remember my dreams, and what is one that comes to mind? I remember some of them, like the Continuing Adventures of Roxy, the Pink Police Poodle.

178: An experience that has made me stronger? My breakups.

179: If I were immortal, what would I do? Sleep a lot, read even more, learn everything that I never had before.

180: Do I like shopping? I do!

181: If I could get away with a crime, what would I choose to do? Bank robbery.

182: What does “family” mean to me? family is a group of people, not necessarily related by blood, who have chosen to band together in love and support of each other.

183: What is my spirit animal? According to my meditation quest, it's a wolf.  But I'm not really comfortable saying that because it wasn't a real vision quest, I'd have to go to the res for that (i have Cherokee blood on my father's side) and I haven't.

184: How do I want to be remembered? As someone who tried to be good.

185: If I could master one skill, what would I choose? Woodcarving.

186: What is my greatest failure? I dropped out of college in the 90s, when I had an accident that broke my ankle.  I never went back.

187: What is my greatest achievement? five-year survivor, cancer-free!

188: Love or money? Money, sadly.

189: Love or career? love

190: If I could time travel, where and when would I want to go? Am I an observer like the Doctor?  If yes, then I would go back to the Globe Theater and see all of Shakespeare as it was originally performed. Am I living there, stuck?  Future, please.

191: What makes me the happiest? Writing.

192: What is “home” to me? Where I lay my head.

193: What motivates me? How I feel, what I see, something that fascinates me.

194: If I could choose my last words, what would they be? Wake me up when it's over

195: Would I ever want to encounter aliens? Depends on if they're hostile or kind.

196: A movie that scared me as a child? The Dark Crystal.  I love it now.

197: Something I hated as a child that I like now? V-8 juice

198: Zombies or vampires? oooh, both.  But vampires.

199: Live in the city or suburbs? Suburbs

200: Dragons or wizards? Dragons all the way, man.  I love dragons.

201: A nightmare that has stayed with me? Its always the same.  I'm being chased by someone/something, it's always getting closer, and it sounds like a loud, roaring motorcycle.  And I'm always running or racing through the Black Lodge from Twin Peaks (the place with all the red curtains and the black/white zig-zag floor.  That place freaks me the fuck out, and ever since the show aired, it's been in my nightmares)

202: How do I define love? Love is not love, that alters when it alteration finds, nor bends with the remover to remove; O no, it is an ever fixed mark, that looks on tempests and is never shaken.

203: Do I judge a book by its cover? sometimes.  I've found great books in the bargain bin that way.  I've also found a few stinkers.  Come to think of it, I've found a few people that way too.  Some great, some stinkers.

204: Have I ever had my heart broken? I have.

205: Do I like my handwriting? i do, actually

206: Sweet or savoury? Savoury

207: Worst job I’ve had? Market research interview administrator.  I was one of those assholes that flagged you down in the mall and made you watch a commercial or a movie trailer, or try a snack product and then asked you a billion and five questions about it

208: Do I collect anything? Funko POPs, Superman memorabilia, Star Wars and Star Trek memorabilia, penguins, mooses

209: Item of clothing or jewellery you’ll never see me without? my dragon ring, my pocketwatch

210: What is on my bucket list? I don't have one

211: How do I handle anger? Depends.  I sometimes hold it in, but most times I blow like a firecracker.  hot and hard, and then I cool off.

212: Was I named after anyone? my dad's uncle Kelly, and my mom's father Ray (i'm Kelly Rae)

213: Do I use sarcasm a lot? me?  sarcastic?  Perish the thought.

214: What TV character am I most like? Dobie Gillis.

215: What is the weirdest talent I have? I can twirl just about anything like a baton and not drop it

216: Favourite fictional character? Ashley j. Williams

3:24 AM.  Son of a bitch.

[avanneman]

TV or not TV? Isn’t there a third option?

I’ve already argued that the pickings at the multiplex are pretty slim, nor am I a fan of what I have labeled “Heavy TV”, disliking it so much I had to write a sequel to my original putdown.1 My appetite, such as it was, for the doings of sadistic serial killers is pretty much exhausted, and I’m generally either afraid of “The Dark” or bored by it. So is nothing acceptable? Fortunately, there are a few old favorites that are still holding up, and a few other odds and ends—shows that have come and gone that I’m just discovering.

Archer, suave secret agent/dick (both private and public), about whom I’ve raved in the past, on my own blog and for the Bright Lights Film Journal, still functioning, and still tolerably funny in its ninth season, is preparing for its tenth and last on FX. Earlier seasons are no longer available on Netflix (except on DVD) and Amazon Prime makes you pay extra even for Season 1, which strikes me as exceptionally bitchy (or Archery). I’m sure the kids have figured out a way to watch it for free, but I haven’t, so I’m DVDing it.

The third season of Call My Agent!, aka Dix Pour Cent, a semi-favorite of mine is up on Netflix, chronicling the frenzied adventures of the ever-endangered ASK talent agency in Paris. I complained about the excessive coziness of Saison Deux, but I’m glad to report that Saison Trois is both more dry and more droll. As I expected, the cliffhanger from Saison Deux, that big-hearted, big-nosed lesbian Andréa (Camille Cottin) would be shipped off to New York, didn’t happen, allowing her to have her baby (by boss Hicham Janowski, played by Assaad Bouab) in the safety and sanctity of the French medical system. My big complaint in the past was the show’s star-struck approach to stars, showing them as vain and temperamental (at first) but, after a few complications, emerging as gallant thoroughbreds who always come through under pressure and save the day. This time, instead of a handful of European stars entirely unknown to me, we have a true international star, Isabelle Huppert. Isabelle isn’t “bad”, of course. If anything, she’s too generous and hard-working. The thing is, she’s signed a contract with—wait for it—Americans! Who want her exclusively and, mercenary monsters that they are, would foreclose on Versailles and ship it to LA if they don’t get their way!

Fortunately, ASK has both the sangfroid and the savoir faire to hose the Yanks, though it takes quite a bit of frantic behind the scenes running around to carry the whole thing off. Along the way, there’s a funny side plot, wherein the sweet gay guy, whose name I still don’t know and can’t determine, gets a chance to move up to be an actual agent instead of an assistant! Because sweet not-gay Camille (Fanny Sidney) thinks she’s so busy she should be two people, sweet gay guy becomes her, for a day. And then he meets this really cute waiter who wants to be a star, and so sweet gay guy arranges for an audition for him! Both their dreams are going to come true! Well, how else does one celebrate such an occasion, eh, mon ami? But then, well, really cute waiter gets sent to the wrong audition, and he’s terrible, and the studio wants to know why ASK is sending them boyfriends instead of actors, and SGG has to 1) catch shit from Camille for endangering the agency, 2) tell RCW that he isn’t star material, and 3) take shit from RCW, to wit: “You only took me on because you wanted to fuck me! Well, mission accomplished, bitch! Because now I’m totally fucked!” And all because he wanted to make people’s dreams come true! Agents suffer!

A past hidden gem that I’m just discovering is Blandings, a mere 12 thirty-minute episodes from Britain, but I’m lovin’ ‘em. “Blandings”, available on Amazon, is ultimately from the pen of P. G. Wodehouse, the grandmaster of silly ass Englishman light fiction. I’ve previously discussed a series dating from the early 90s, Jeeves and Wooster, devoted to Wodehouse’s supreme creation, the saga of Bertie Wooster and his man Jeeves, which ran through dozens of short stories and perhaps a dozen novels, from the early twenties through 1970. Devotees/obsessives like myself marinated for decades in Bertie’s inimitable rococo narration of Jeeves’ inimitable rococo machinations, all in the service of the inimitable truth, that Amor Vincit Omnia, though not without considerable assistance from Jeeves.

It was surely inevitable that Jeeves and Wooster would fall below the mark unconsciously set for it by aficionados like myself. Despite the ineffable lightness of Wodehouse’s prose, both Bertie and Jeeves were quite complex characters, doppelgangers for Wodehouse himself. “Plum”, as everyone (apparently) called him, was quite unhappy as a boy, but immensely happy at his “public” school—what we Americans would call a prep school—“Dulwich College”. The moral he seemed to take away from it all was that happiness, though possible, is not “natural”—it must be consciously achieved. Furthermore, it is most often achieved in the company of the privileged, and it can best be achieved by holding the world at arm’s length.

In the early short stories, Bertie is always either falling in love or getting engaged, or both, but always to the “wrong woman”—though, in sharp contrast to the American “rom com”, there is no right one.2 As Jeeves repeatedly makes clear, the only way to avoid the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune is to abstain from the fury and mire of human veins. By the mid-thirties, when Wodehouse had largely switched from short stories to novels, Bertie was as skeptical of affairs of the heart as Jeeves. The turning point was Brinkley Manor, aka What Ho, Jeeves (1934), which set in motion a collection of entangled and star-crossed lovers who, thanks to Jeeves, all married happily, though the consummations were delayed for a good thirty years. The Epicurean Roman poet Lucretius notoriously found it pleasing to stand safely on the shore and watch the sufferings of those at sea tormented by the storm.3 Both Jeeves and Bertie are made of softer stuff, and, confronted as they invariably are by victims of internal rather than external weather, always strive to intervene—Bertie ingenuously and disastrously, Jeeves with the effortless hand of the Creator (or the Author). But in both cases, intervention is only possible if one is one’s self immune to the tempest within.4

Jeeves and Bertie are scarcely three-dimensional characters, and the supporting cast distinctly less so, but over the decades that he wrote about them, Wodehouse rang the changes on the limited notes available to him so ingeniously that—for the addicted, at least—they remained ever fresh and vivid. The result is that, I suspect, all true devotees have a “perfect” Aunt Dahlia and a “perfect” Madelaine Bassett, not to mention a perfect Bertie and a perfect Jeeves, already fixed in their heads, so that the poor actors and actresses (if I can use such a term) who portray them almost invariably appear as disappointments or even frauds, for the perfect is always the enemy of the good.

In the “Blandings” stories, revolving around Lord Emsworth and his kin, and most particularly his prize pig, the “Empress” and set in the “eternal Twenties” of Wodehouse’s imagination,5 the perfect rarely intrudes The few I read from the series struck me as a distinctly lesser creation, stories that Wodehouse wrote as a sort of vacation from the Wooster/Jeeves high-wire act. Without Bertie’s perfect voice—the Blandings stories are written the third person—and without Jeeves perfect schemes, we have little more than a stock company road show of silly ass Englishmen, good-hearted chorus girls, good-natured, big-bellied, empty-headed lords, imperious dames, and sherry-slurping butlers, all wandering around the sort of enormous country estate that drove me half bonkers in the unspeakably wretched Downton Abbey.6 But at Blandings, it works.

Rather remarkably, given the degenerate nature of our time, the producers of the show made no attempt to position themselves as superior to the material, no effort to show what life was “really” like in those bad old days, which was in fact pretty horrible for everyone below stairs and for half of those above it. Wodehouse deconstructed would be a sorry sight indeed, and we don’t get it. The only updating that has been done is pretty much limited to the occasional pig fart, and (probably) more “muck” jokes (manure) than P. G. would have allowed himself. Instead, we have the amiable Lord Emsworth (Timothy Spall), sporting a thoroughly “English” set of teeth, his amiable son Freddie Threepwood (Jack Farthing), his unamiable sister Lady Constance (Jennifer Saunders), and his stout butler Beach (played first by Mark Williams in the first season and by Tim Vine in the second), all cavorting and disporting themselves in a suitably Wodehousian manner. Freed from the burden of perfection, and avoiding on its own the burden of pretense, it’s pretty damned good road show all around, and I’m sorry it didn’t get a longer run.

Another invigorating look at the Roaring Twenties with a British accent—more substantial, this time around—comes from Down Under in the form of Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, three full seasons of hour long treats on both Netflix and ABC that make Sydney, Australia look surprisingly like London—and sound like it too, because all the leads have surprisingly (to me) posh accents.7 Miss Fisher, played by the charming Essie Davis, is unsurprisingly and unchronologically up to date in all her attitudes, being (of course) independent and quite capable of clambering over walls and scaling buildings in pursuit of evil-doers, even in high heels. Phryne, as her first name is, has a sweet companion, Dorothy Williams (Ashleigh Cummings), somewhat lower down on the social scale and naturally a bit intimidated by Phryne’s upper class lack of inhibition. Both gals have steady Eddies, in the form of Chief Inspector John Robinson (Nathan Page) for Phryne and Constable Hugh Collins (Hugo Johnstone-Burt) for Dorothy. The Chief Inspector, virtually a walking Rock of Gibraltar and a titan of middle-class inhibitions, is naturally entranced by the wicked Miss Fisher, who keeps his Herculean physique tightly wrapped around her little finger for all three seasons, and it must be said that Constable Collins’ fate is only a little less circumscribed.

As should be obvious, Miss Fisher is largely a chick show, of particular interest, I would say, to women who worry about their boyfriends’ hair, because both the Chief Inspector and the Constable have coifs that are, invariably, perfect. Some of the “backstory” for the show—the bitterness many Australians felt at the way the “Mother Country” used them for its own purposes in World War 1, for example—shows some real thought. There is, unsurprisingly, a gaping omission when it comes to the subject of race, and the position of the “aborigines”, which in the twenties was entirely deplorable. Most unattractive is the difference in the treatment of two of Miss Fisher’s many lovers, one Chinese and one “black”. The Chinese lover comes from a prominent family, speaks excellent English, and has come to Australia to flee an arranged marriage in order to marry the woman he loves, whose father is a communist. The black lover is an extra in a film, has not a single line, and clearly functions as a one-night stud. Naughty, yes, but not very nice.

For now, that's it. So don't say nothing's on. Say almost nothing's on.

Latest and worst heavy TV of all is the execrable Game of Thrones. The sappy English accents alone make it unwatchable, not to mention the entire fur coats, tits, and bloody murder ethos of the damn show. Livin’ in the Age o’ Trump is already terrible, but this show makes it worse. ↩︎

As a young man, Wodehouse wrote “straight” rom com novels like Mike in the City and Leave it to Psmith!, whose heroes were impecunious public school men, rather like Wodehouse himself, ↩︎

The opening stanza of Book II of De Rerum Natura, aka “The Nature of Things”—a Roman catchphrase. People are always taking a look at rerum natura. ↩︎

Wodehouse did marry, Ethel May Wayman, an English widow. They had no children, but Wodehouse adopted Wayman’s daughter, to whom he was quite devoted. Supposedly, Ethel was the Jeeves to Plum’s Bertie. ↩︎

“First and last,” I squealed in impotent and ineffectual rage, “I was overwhelmingly put off by the idea that it’s okay, in any sense of the word, for five people to be knocking about in a house the size of Grand Central Station, with two or three dozen menials rushing about night and day to keep everything looking just so.” Blandings rather shamelessly elides the issue by pretending that Lord Emworth’s immense estate is cared for by a handful of servants, who spend most of their time either feeding cake to pigs or drinking sherry. ↩︎

Actually, Wodehouse’s stock characters are really pre-World War I, as George Orwell explains. Orwell’s essay discusses Wodehouse’s early work in some detail, on its way to giving what I found to be too much deference to Wodehouse’s unthinking behavior when captured by the German Army in France in 1940. Wodehouse gave a radio broadcast making it sound as though being imprisoned by the Germans was rather jolly. Wodehouse’s wife was also a prisoner, so it’s not surprising that he wanted to cooperate, but there’s a difference between cooperating and being coopted. I suspect that Wodehouse, like many rich people, hoped that the Nazis wouldn’t be so bad. ↩︎

A contemporary Australian series, Rake, also available on Netflix, which I gave up on because it kept expecting me to identify with a coke addict, features noticeably less posh accents. ↩︎

[bluepenguinstories]

Happiness Overload Chapter Forty-Three

Horns blared into my ears.

“Ugh...I didn't realize I had an alarm set on this phone...”

Here I was, having a good nap, when I get woken up by a series of cars honking at me as if they owned the place.

“Hey! I'm sleepin' here!” I shook my fist at the cars.

Obviously I ended up getting up and leaving the parking garage, even if I was bitter about it the whole way through.

“This whole town's gone to shit, I tell you what,” I grumbled as I made my way through the streets once more. Only difference is the feeling of being back at square one. Nothing really accomplished, just some shenanigans. It was a real low, folks. Rock-fucking-bottom all the way down.

“C'mon Kelly Roger, now's not the time to lose morale! Think of what Shirou Emiya would do!” My stomach growled at the mention. “That's no good, either! I don't have any food and I don't even like cooking anyway!”

I kicked a rock on the sidewalk and looked around. Dirty clothes, beat up, hungry as all fuck, with only a backpack to my name. Guess you could say I fit the bill of a stereotypical bum. I sighed and sat down on the sidewalk next to the side of a building. Would others walk around me? Or yell and tell me to get out of the way? Who knew, but at that point, I was ready to just let them.

After all, I finally had a stroke of luck with finding out Lilypad's motives and bam! Yours truly just had to blab to some shady nerd in a naruto costume and ruin the whole operation. I was gonna be a hero, yo! But such was life, after all. You win some, you lose some. But damn, I tell you what, I should've won that one! I should've been the one to take out the gang and save the day and get the praises I so deserved. Now some nobody was going to take all the credit while I just sat alone on the sidewalk.

“I guess I could always give up and go back home. At least there I'd probably have some food and a bed. Loving parents are cool, too, I guess.”

Man, that was not a bright way of thinking. Didn't want to be all Little Debbie's Downer Bars but there I was sulking and skulking and glumming it up. Wasn't hard to say that my endeavors have not proved all that fruitful. My morale was not at the high it should've been and if there was anyone to blame...

Morale...elevators...frogs...ETNA...Lilypad...Celia...Morale...

Wait. That was it.

I got up with a renewed energy.

“That idiot Celia V! She and whoever she works for probably doesn't know where Lilypad's base is! I mean, neither do I, but one step at a time here.”

So there we go, a plan: find out where Lilypad operates and get there before Celia V. or her employer.

For the record, I did not watch Naruto. Never been a fan. But Boruto on the other hand...hell yeah! That's my jam!

So wouldn't you have it, after a job well done, I finally got to hunker down and binge watch some Boruto. All was going well, just as all things should when watching anime at work, when my boss, Dr. CEO herself, showed up. Well, I say 'showed up', but you know it was just a hologram. Honestly, some days it felt like I was working for a Vocaloid.

“What are you doing?”

“Tch. It's called 'self-care'. Read about it sometime.”

“You still have a job to do.”

My heart skipped a beat. I hated when she was all no-nonsense. Though I suppose it was better than being around when she let loose her certain brand of humor.

“Come on!” I protested. “I did what you told me! I watched that idiot! I got that info! What else do you want?”

She pushed up her glasses. Virtual glasses, obviously, but still. “Although appreciated, learning about Lilypad's motives is irrelevant to what I asked. If I cared enough, I could have already found out such things, myself.”

“Then why didn't you?”

For a second, she seemed to change her demeanor and I flinched. Then, she smiled.

“Would you like to test our elevators? I can assure you they have gotten more efficient at what they do.”

Yep. There it was. Her brand of humor.

“No thanks, I'm good,” I growled, and paused my show.

“Such a shame. How will our customers trust our product if we're unwilling to demonstrate its effectiveness?”

“Ugh! Fine! I'll go back to watching Kelly Roger! But look, there's nothing to see! That idiot's got nothing we need!”

She disappeared. Guess I told her what she wanted to hear. Was a real pain in the ass for me, though. The episode was just starting to get good, too!

I switched screens and searched around to find Kelly Roger's location.

“Don't even know why I'm bothering...stupid sadist boss...”

Usually it was just a second, that was it. Just a second and the camera would pinpoint to whatever sad sack I was being forced to watch as if their lives were some dumb TV show from the 60s. But for whatever reason, it was taking a little longer.

“Hm...maybe computer's getting a little slow. Might want to call the IT person later.”

Yeah. That seemed most plausible. For the first few seconds. But time went on and it was becoming increasingly difficult to find someone who was not all that known for being elusive.

“Maybe I should give them a call. Then I could pinpoint their location.”

Ugh. Such a thought. Every other time I'd call, I'd just end up going nowhere. I was reminded what an annoying self-entitled prick Kelly Roger could be.

But for real, where could you be?

Home sweet home. Back underground. Long story short, anyway, I was somehow at the very place I lived alongside Conrad and Velvet. To think that not everything had been demolished and there was still remnants of the old hideout.

Oh, but if I know people, and I don't, then nobody likes 'long story short', so may as well explain. In other words, “you're probably wondering how I got here.” Not that I really liked when characters did that, but hey, don't let anyone ever say I've never been nice!

So the thing was that I was still down on my luck, even if I had a renewed sense of purpose. I thought back to when that Macro fella (that time I was right, that had to be his name) tried to kidnap me only to fail in such an epic fashion that he tried to send frog-people to kill me, which also was a failure of epic proportions, because really, how hard could I have been to kill? As I thought of that, I remembered the warehouse, and I figured Lilypad couldn't have been far. Not only that, but if I recalled, the warehouse was near a dock, and docks are usually near water.

I mean, I'm no detective, but I'm pretty fucking smart.

So I found the warehouse, or at least what I was pretty sure was the warehouse. Wasn't any other around of the same size and location. Even managed to work my way inside. What I found was...nothing. Not even crates and barrels and pallet jacks and the like. None of that construction worker shit. Real disappointing, really.

That was, like, my one lead, too. With that having gone nowhere, didn't really know where else to look. But I didn't leave the warehouse just yet. Because I noticed a hatch off in the far end of the warehouse.

Figuring that it could lead me to Lilypad's hideout (spoilers: it didn't), I opened the hatch and went down. One step down the hatch, as they say. Or someone probably did once. Yep, a little down the ladder, step by step. Before I knew it (because I didn't check the phone to see how long it took), I made it to the bottom, where I was met with darkness.

That's right, and when I say 'darkness', I don't just mean that my glasses were all fogged up or dirty or something. Nah, this was like, pure blackout or something. Like, I've never had beer or anything like that, but I once had a sugar rush from bottle after bottle of Ramune and when I came down, I passed out. Hm...actually that's not really a good comparison. Not really sure why I brought that up. But picture something black. It was like that.

Just as I started taking my slow strides through the tunnels, unsure where they may lead, the phone in my pocket started reading.

I should really think about giving this phone back to that waitress. It's been nothing but trouble since I got it.

“New phone, who...you know what, this schtick is getting old,” I sighed. “What do you want?”

“Agreed, sister! Looks like you may finally be coming to your senses!”

Yep. I knew who it was right away.

I groaned. “Celebi? I thought I told you what you wanted.”

“Cele...what. Just. What. It's Celia! CELIA-FUCKING-V!”

Ow. My ears.

“Yeah, yeah. Deviled eggs are in the details.”

“Hey,” she sounded like she regained composure right away. “where are you at right now?”

“Oh ho, miss me or something?”

“Listen, buddy, I'm being paid to track you. It's not like I'm into you or anything.”

“That's just what a tsundere would say!”

I heard gagging sounds from the other end. “I hate that I even know what that is. Looks like I need to work on my phrasing...”

I was about to reach down to press end call when she yelled.

“WAIT. I bet you're trying to hang up right now, I can sense it! Just tell me where you're at!”

“Wouldn't you like to know?”

“Tell me where you're at or I'll come over and kick your ass.”

“How are you going to do that if you don't know where I am?”

“You know what...UGH! You're not even worth this job!”

She hung up. Good riddance.

To be honest, didn't think it would be that easy. But looks like through perseverance and hard work, I really could get someone fired.

Now that I no longer had to deal with that nonsense (fingers crossed, anyway), I could move on to more important things, like figuring out where the hell I was.

More walking...more walking...there was only so much of 'making a long story long' I could do before I got tired and wanted to go right back to 'long story short'. Blah, blah, tunnels led to some neon lighting along the walls, where I started to figure out where I was.

“Hey! This place!” My heart did a little flutter and I couldn't help but run forward. Though I may have been a little rusty on the details, it didn't take me long to find the hideout. Or what was left of it. I was met with rubble blocking the door. What a letdown, right?

Well, call it a surge of inspiration, or woman's intuition, or the folly of man, but I went ahead and squeezed through an opening through the rubble blocking the door and made it to the other side.

“I can't believe I'm actually here...”

I also couldn't believe how dirty my clothes were. Not that they weren't already dirty, but the dust sure did get all over me. Even after wiping the dust off my shirt and pants, I didn't get it all and it still left a bit of a mark. Right on cue, I coughed.

Shit. This place is probably crawling with asbestos or other chemicals. Or crawling with bugs covered in asbestos or other chemicals. Maybe some radioactive bugs. As cool as it would be to be a superhero, I'm not too keen on becoming Spider-Man. Hm...Spider-Man-and-Sometimes-Woman? Oh, screw it.

There was another open hatch in the middle of the room. You'd think that whoever raided this place would've sealed that up, but nope. Maybe they assumed closing off the entrance to the hideout would've been enough. But looks like they were wrong.

Eh. Ignoring that for now, the main room itself was utterly demolished. We're talkin' destroyed bits of computers, smashed monitors, pieces of tables scattered about the room. Like, yeah, I knew it was because the place had been wiped by swatters, but I couldn't help but think of Hoarders.

Oh! That reminded me!

I went down the hall, which was actually much like I remembered it. Three rooms, more or less intact. Just for funsies, checked out Conrad's room. Buncha papers along the wall. That famous “the truth is out there” poster from X-Files, and then there were those strings on the walls that connected one paper to the other.

“Dude...Charlie from It's Always Sunny was more sane than you.”

Instead of a bed, I noticed a broken down tent on the floor. Maybe he figured a tent was more secure than a bed? Though that didn't explain why Velvet and I ended up with beds, then. Go figure, right?

Velvet's room was also more or less intact. Was cool to see her crib, actually. Had that whole 'minimalism' vibe. Now SHE had the right idea. Conrad, take notes: if you wanna be sneaky, don't have anything!

...Of course, that's also why I couldn't trust her. I decided to check the drawer in the broken down desk in her room. Within, I found a notebook. I decided to take it out and I almost opened it up, but I stopped myself and put it back. Even if there was some big revelatory shit in there, like some big conspiratorial reveal, some big news bomb, well...that was still a girl's diary. You do NOT just go reading a girl's diary.

Another surprise in her room, though, was I did find something stashed underneath her mattress: granola and candy bars. Before I opened one, I checked the expiration date. Still good. Of course it was. The whole mess was only a few days ago.

Underneath the bed was more goodies: bags of chips, chex mix, and tons of Cup Noodles.

“Food!” I grabbed one of the instant ramen cups and felt as if I was holding the holy grail in my hands. But not the Fate/Stay Night kind, more like the good kind.

“If I can get some water, I'll have good eats tonight!”

Water and a microwave. Guess I forgot a step. Oh well. After a while, decided there was nothing more to see. Sure, there was the other hatch in her room that led back up to the surface, which was how I escaped in the first place, but other than that, nothing really to see. Now that I thought of it, I had my doubts I could really escape out through there a second time. They probably at least sealed the exit.

So not like it was all sunshine and roses, but also not like I really expected anything to begin with. Already considered pleasantly surprised, I went into my room, which was obviously the best room in the hideout. We're talking bunk bed (which turned out to have gotten wrecked), high-end desktop (still intact, but with no electricity in here, was doubtful I could really do anything with it), hard-drives (who knew if they worked, considering the damage done to this place already, but I stashed a few in hopes that one did. I was lacking some good hentai in my diet), figurines (all scattered across the floor. They probably went down in value), plushies, and finally, body pillows.

Yes, my room probably took the biggest hit, but I still had my Astolfo plushie, and the Marth body pillow wasn't wrecked at all (thank goodness, the last thing I wanted to see was some sort of cotton fluff crime scene).

After I stashed the cup noodles, candy bars, hard drives, and figurines into my backpack (honestly surprised I could get them all to fit what with the laptop already being in there), I gave my goodbyes to what was once my room and was about to take off.

“So maybe I didn't find Lilypad's lair, but this? This is fine, too.”

Right as I was about to crawl back out, however, I passed by the hatch in the middle of the room.

“You know...maybe there's something further down...”

Not like I had anything to lose at that point. Precious time? Ha! Time is just a social construct!

So down the hole I went and all the way down, I noticed a huge hole in the wall which looked to be caused by some kind of explosion.

“Damn. Maybe those two...” I gulped. “Maybe they didn't make it alive. Shit.”

Damn it! I did NOT want to be thinking such thoughts. Yeah, they weren't, like, friends or anything, but they were, like, my friends! I'd be devastated if...

“Get it together,” I slapped myself. “It's not like I have any way of knowing.”

Yeah. That was right. Those two, those treacherous scamps, there's no way something like explosives would have killed them. Right?

After a certain point, the path the hole in the wall made led into a dead end. Rubble, bits of concrete blocking the path ahead. How typical. But there had to be some way to find out what was past that point. If I could get back in here, then there must have been some way to get to the other side.

“There must be some kind of secrets buried here that I just haven't found.”

Again, call it man's womanly intuition. Or whatever I called it last time.

First, there was the pacing. Which got me nowhere. For whatever reason I thought doing the moonwalk would open another secret compartment or something. But nope. So I made my way back up the hatch and crawled my way out of the base once more.

But make no mistake: that wasn't me giving up. I just figured that there was another way through. Those tunnels had many paths, like a labyrinth. Not unlike the one I recall seeing in the blueprints of the secret place near the train station. Near where those elevators were...

I shuddered. Last thing I needed was some reminder of them.

Around the corner in the tunnels, I turned to find more rows and rows of doors or what might have been once. The ones who wanted to end our little group sure did put in a lot of effort. But, being the genius hacker I was, I knew there just had to be something they had missed. Even thorough, people are...well, you know that whole thing in math where .999 eventually becomes 1? It was like there was always that .001 or something that would always go unaccounted for. Because people just be like that.

Hm...at first I thought my analogy made enough sense, but actually...it's more like this: there was usually something unaccounted for. Actually, yeah. That was what I was trying to get at in the first place.

True to the that general law of imperfection, I found just the thing: something that looked like another tunnel, leading further downward. From the looks of things, there was an attempt made to cover it up, a loose board was in place of it, but I could picture how it once looked. To no one's surprise, all it took was a carve with my knife (yeah, you were probably thinking some thick wooden board or something. Nah, just cardboard) and I managed to make an opening. Once through, I found a set of stairs.

“Oh god. Really? More walking?” I mean, what did I expect, right? Of course there would be.

Conrad never did tell me about the stairs. If I ever saw him again, I was totally gonna kick his ass and demand why he didn't warn me. Especially considering how the stairs seemed to go on forever. Just how deep did that rabbit hole go? Who knew. Maybe down to Earth's core. Maybe all the way to Hell. Or Agartha. Same difference, really.

At the bottom of the stairs was a double door.

“Fucking prick didn't warn me about no doors, either...”

I went to turn the handle only to find that it was locked. After getting out the pocket knife I had pocketed from that mugger guy the other day, I found a knife that would fit through the keyhole and started shimmying around. After a few good shimmies, I was in.

I gasped.

In view was a wide, empty space. One of those pokeball symbols on the ground or something. That's when it occurred to me: this was a hanger.

“Velvet did say she was a pilot...”

But there was no plane or ship or nothin'. Well, looks like she made good on her word and hightailed it outta town. That must mean she and Conrad were alive. I was glad. Er...glad that I didn't have to see their ugly-ass faces any more! Those no good double-crossers!

After coming all the way down, there was no way I was about to throw my hands up in the air like I just didn't care and declare “well, nothing to see here!”

No. There just had to be something more. Knowing Conrad or Velvet, those two had many layers...just like Shrek.

Sure enough, there was. It only took me a hell of a long time. Meaningless wandering through a maze that wasn't really a maze...for a 20-year old, Conrad sure knew how to torture his companions. What caused me to find the secret was a crate, slightly out of place with the other crates near it. Maybe it was nothing, maybe I was just delusional from the piss-poor sleep I got due to cars honking at me. Was really hard to tell, but for the sake of being thorough, I pushed aside the crate and found a hatch.

“Ugh...how deep does this rabbit hole go?”

Turns out it went balls deep.

Opening the hatch brought forth more stairs.

“You could've told me, dawg...”

Complaining aside, I descended just like I ought to have. I mean, not like you could ascend downward stairs. When I finally reached the bottom, I stood next to yet another door.

“Fuck it! This is so tedious!”

“PASSWORD ACCEPTED.” Came a robotic voice.

“...What?”

The door opened and I entered.

Once I stepped through, the door closed itself. Dim lights flickered on in a green glow. It was nothing but a small room. Couple of desks, a chalkboard, and something covered up with a sheet.

On the chalkboard, a few words were written: “Look at the desk to your right, schmuck!”

“Well, that's quite rude.”

Whatever. Did it anyway. No regrets. Not in this household.

There lay a manila envelope on the desk. Written in ink were the words: “To be opened by Kelly Roger.”

“Holy shit, that's me.”

Inside the envelope was a stack of papers, which was pretty typical of envelopes to have. I didn't know what else I expected. The first page read:

“DNI If You're a Member of the Flashbulb. This includes the following”

Rather than actually read off any of the names (ain't nobody got time for that) I just skimmed through. One stood out to me: Celia V.

I gasped. No way. That couldn't be right. Just Conrad's paranoia, I was sure. Celia V. couldn't have been working for a lightbulb manufacturing company. That didn't seem like her line of work. She seemed more like the 'works for a shadowy organization' type.

On the next page was a letter, addressed to me. The contents made me weep, not gonna lie:

Dear Kelly Roger,

If you're reading this, grats. I never thought you'd actually find this place, even though it was meant specifically for you. Not that you weren't intelligent enough to find this, but it just had to do with the pieces being just right...also, if you're reading this, that means Blanc has been corrupted by Ecstasy, a creation from the ETNA Corporation, which I'm sure I've already drilled into your head, is a front for The Flashbulb.

Blanc was supposed to be our ace (no pun intended) in the hole, the one thing that would put an end to the madness. Not only that, Blanc was my best friend, and regardless of actual abilities, I value my best friend above all else. I would want nothing more than to pull all stops and ensure Blanc's safety. If you're reading this, the likely outcome is that Blanc died and Etna got the upper hand. Again. I've tried many times, infiltrating the very organization I hate in order to utilize their methods of time-travel so that I could beat them at their own game and find myself in a time where just once, Blanc lives.

It seems each time, regardless of the approach I take, Blanc's death is the one certainty. I'm sorry. This is a little hard for me to write. Without my best friend, Velvet and I will probably have either fled our base, been killed, or both. While I would have loved to take you with us, in a sense, you reading this, is the better outcome. It means you're alive, for one. It also means you haven't been taken in by the likes of Etna or Marco.

See, the two great factions that threaten our civilization – Amphibians and The Flashbulb are at a constant struggle for control. I used to believe that the third faction, the Beige, were also a threat, but upon further research, I have reason to believe that they're just stoners from another planet. Even if, by that very definition, that makes them untrustworthy. But hey, who is these days, right?

Look, Kelly Roger, I'm sorry that I ever led you to doubt me. I could say that I had my reasons, but whatever kind of excuse that is, that doesn't make my reasons good ones. I'm human, just like my enemy, The Flashbulb. I can only do what I think is right, not what I know to be right. With that in mind, I want to test something. Bear with me, OK?

I've extracted a bit of what Dr. Etna calls 'Ecstasy' and studied its contents. Part of it, hallucinogenic illusion, but there is something very real attached. Some kind of foreign substance comprised of other, more familiar entities – the hormones dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. There is something to the three of them, mingling together, that feels almost...illogical. But I cannot put any words to it. That the mixture contains familiar substances, but the substance as a whole, is unknown, is also puzzling. I do believe that this substance, for the sake of argument,  'bliss', for lack of a better word (you can call it whatever, not like I'm around to tell you you're wrong) is being infused into the clones of whoever enters the elevator. 'Bliss' must also, in a way, be what Ecstasy is.

Now, all of that could be nonsense, but I did some experimenting of my own. If you wish to pull open the curtain, you'll find out what I mean. If you do not do so at this time, then at the very least, under NO circumstances, should you interact with someone with the code name 'Celia V'. Do not tell her anything. Block her if possible. She is a member of The Flashbulb and she has the means to bring any one of us down.

Hang in there, Kelly Roger. These are dark times we live in.

Regards,

Conrad.

“Sorry I ever doubted you,” I wiped a tear from my eye. It wasn't like I actually believed any of that horseshit, but I just really missed him and to think he would actually think well of me. Okay, so he spent an awful long time talking about that 'Blanc' character, like, screw them. Maybe he should've stopped to think the whole reason he failed is that he couldn't get his head in the game, all lovey-dovey over his bro.

But I was different. I was tasked with something. Okay, maybe it was rather vague, but I knew one thing for certain: I should NOT talk to Celia V. Oops. Too late for that one.

Just as I set the papers down, I received another phone call.

“Papa Dad's pizza, Chunky Rudder speaking.”

“I can tell it's you by your voice, you idiot!” Yep. C'est la Brie. Brie because she was so cheesy.

“Ugh. Why do you keep calling me? Are you lonely or something?”

“Oh yes. Every night I pine for someone to come and occupy my bedsheets, but no one ever comes.”

“Why don't you just get a body pillow?”

“WHAT'S WITH THAT ANSWER?! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND SARCASM?!”

“Ow! Sheesh, do you have to be so loud?”

“Where are you, anyway? You know, it's really weird, like there must be reception where you're at, because I can call you, but I can't seem to trace your signal. What gives?”

“I'm up your butt.”

“No wonder I have hemorrhoids. There's a mystery I never thought would get solved.”

“Wait. What? Do you really? I'm so sorry!”

“Fuck, you're so dumb. I was joking. Damn. Anyway, tell me where you're at. I'm not gonna hang up this time, so you may as well just say it.”

“Okay, but you know I can still hang up, right?”

I heard a growl at the other end. She must not have thought about that.

“Look, I don't have to tell you shit,” I added. “Because I know your secret identity!”

“Bluff! That's a bluff and a half!”

“Flashbulbmembersaywhat.”

“What?”

“Gotcha!”

She gasped.

“I just figured out what you said! How did you find out?”

“Because I'm a genius.”

“How much do you know about The Flashbulb?”

“Like, all the things.” Okay, that time was an actual bluff.

She gasped again.

“That's like none of the things you should know!”

“Yep.”

“I am SO telling my boss.”

“I wouldn't do that if I were you. Not if you want to know where Lilypad is located.”

“Hm...that is a good bargain. But how do I know you're not bluffing?”

“Because,” I grinned my best shit-eating-grin. “I'll call you back once I'm out of this tunnel. I don't have any reception in here. You know how it is in tunnels.”

“That I do...wait. You're in a tunnel? And you don't have reception? How are we talking right now?”

“Uh...fluke?”

“I'll buy it.” I couldn't be sure, but she probably shrugged. “But wait! Why don't I hear any traffic?”

“It's a...uh...soundproof tunnel.”

“Oh, I see. That's pretty cool. Anyway, you won't be able to call me. This is a restricted number. You know how it is with secret organizations.”

“Yeah, totally. I once knew someone who worked for Wal-Mart.”

“So how about this: I'll call again in an hour AND YOU BETTER PICK UP.”

“Mm...that all depends,” I really should've tried to be more careful with my words. But when you're a sliver-tongue like me, you can afford a few banana peel slip-ups. “But what's to keep me from exposing your secret?”

As if I really knew who or what I could expose her secret to.

“I'll tell you anything you want to know about The Flashbulb!”

She probably thought she was being clever. But, I had an even better idea.

“Even, like, where your boss's headquarters is?”

“Shit...” I heard her mutter. “Can I really do that? Um...I'll call you back.”

She hung up. Excellent. The cards were in motion. Now all I had to worry about was not only finding out where Lilypad operated, but timing things just right so that I could tell Marco where Dr. Etna's lair was.

Sure, it didn't say anywhere in Conrad's notes for me to do any of this, but let's be honest: Conrad, I was not.

[krissiefox]

My Favorite Unreal Engine Games!

Unreal engine has a special place in my own history with game design, as it was one of the first game engines I learned to make custom maps with during my college classes. The game we used was Unreal Tournament 2004, which was also the game that got me more into PC gaming in general. It's an engine I've long enjoyed working with, so I wanted to have a showcase of some of my favorite games using this engine from over the years!

UNREAL GOLD

The one that started it all. A great single player FPS adventure across an alien world where you play as escaped prisoner who befriends the planets friendly Nali folk and help protect them from an army of not-so-nice Skaarj. This one runs on the OG unreal Engine 1, which is quite pretty and for a game engine from the 90s, probably blew plenty of folks' socks off!

UNREAL TOURNAMENT SERIES (UT1, UT2004, UT3, UT4)

Using the same universe as Unreal 1's story adventure, unreal Tournament centers around a blood sport tournament hosted by the Liandri Mining Corporation as a means of entertainment for bored miners. This simply backstory sets the stage for the Epic's long-lasting multiplayer-based Unreal games, with the usual classic game modes such as Deathmatch and Capture the flag. Lots of replay value is added thanks to the robust modding community for the franchise, and for folks who don't want to deal with the risk of meeting toxic assholes in online matches, the series thankfully provides bots enemies you can play against as well! The engines of the games range all the way from the original up to Unreal Engine 4, after which Epic sadly killed off the series.

Sadly, a few years ago Epic decided to be douche bags and pull these games from all digital storefronts, along with the single player ones as well. If you can't find a physical copy, don't feel bad about yo-ho-ho-ing that shit (especially UT4 as it never got a physical release at all)!

UNREAL 2 THE AWAKENING

While I prefer the original, the sequel the Unreal 1/Gold is still another solid single player FPS adventure. There's a lot more complex story-line and character interaction going on in this one, as you get to relax between missions on your own ship and talk with your crew mates. Only big flaws I found in this one is that it did rear an uncomfortable habit that Epic had for a while with the Unreal games - dressing their female characters in ridiculously sexist attire. This one runs on the Unreal 2.0 Engine, a nice looking upgrade to the original engine that still ran smoothly on every computer I've ever tried it on.

BORDERLANDS SERIES

Okay, some of these feel like a bit of cheating - I've never actually beaten a Borderlands game. However, I have briefly played Borderlands 1 and 2, and watched my family play the crap out of all the games. They're great games, from all I've seen, So I'm still going to give them my approval. Colorful, funny, violent, queer-positive, They've have it all!

Most of the games are first-person shooters, but there's also a couple adventure games in the form of the Tales from the Borderlands titles. The first is using a different engine, but New Tales from the Borderlands uses Unreal Engine. All of the FPS titles use either Unreal 3.0 or 4.0.

There's no DRM free versions on PC, sadly, but all of the games have received physical releases on consoles, at-least.

KILLING FLOOR SERIES

Killing Floor started as mod for Unreal Tournament 2004, and later evolved into several standalone games! Most of the games are arena-based, you pick a map to play in and get to see how long you can survive fighting off waves of freaky monster people until the big boss arrives. You can play solo or online to team up with other players to fight the monsters. A couple of the games also have a story mode, namely the original mod version and the VR game Killing Floor incursion. These games are great fun and long-time favorite of mine, the only downer being that after the initial mod all other games are developed by tripwire, a gross company I stopped giving money to years ago. Thankfully, Killing Floor 2 is available as physical console games, so you can pick those up without giving tripwire money. The Killing Floor games have also show up in humble bundles several times, so keep an eye on those for a chance to get the games while giving all the money to charity instead of tripwire. Killing Floor 3 is currently in development, and hopefully these workarounds will exist for that game as well so I can try it out one day.

The original mod uses Unreal 2.0, while Killing Floor uses a special "midpoint" 2.5, which adds some nice features to the original 2.0 engine such as light bloom effects. KF2 uses Unreal engine 3, and KF3 is planned to run on Unreal 5.0.

HOLLOW MOON (UT2004 MOD)

Hollow Moon is a mod for Unreal Tournament 2004. It's basically the Backrooms in space! A great and creepy experience where you wander and explore an abandoned moon base, presented in an artsy black and white silent film style, accompanied by a haunting soundtrack.

NAISANCEE

Continuing with the theme of Unreal Engine liminal space games, NaissanceE has you exploring a massive, strange world trying to find your way out. It's a little spooky, and very mysterious. The art and sound design are fantastic. It's also both free AND DRM free, so you can back up your own copy of the game! My only complaints are that there a couple sections of the game where the lighting and platforming gets hard to understand through poor lighting or awkward physics.

The game runs on Unreal Engine 3, and it's almost always a visual treat.

S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2

S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2 isn't actually out yet, but it's a very rare example of an upcoming AAA game I'm actually excited for, so I wanted to mention it here. It will be the first title in the series to use Unreal engine, as all of the previous titles were made in GSC Gameworld's own X-Ray Engine. Hopefully the game will be just as fun, cool and spooky as the original trilogy when it comes out! And I hope the dev team is all keeping safe from putin's little homophobic warmongering clown show.

UNLUCKY (shameless self-plug!)

Yup, our very own project "Unlucky" is also an Unreal Engine game! We're using Unreal Engine 5, which I haven't had as much experience with as 2.0, 2.5, and 3.0, but I'm learning my way around it as I test out my 3d models in-engine. :)