#if i fucking get sick because of this weekend. im killing.

[castielafflicted]

i think im getting sick :(

[starscabaret]

Yandere ML x Actual villainess reader (I AM TIRED OF THE SAME OLD… this is the same old BUT I WANT A REAL VILLAINESS not some reincarnation like come on guys what’s next? “I GET REINCARNATED AS A VILLAINESS AND THE MALE LEAD IS MY CHILD WHO LOVES ME”)

Yandere Male x Villainess Reader

hmm im not super sure what you mean by villianess...but this bitch is evil.... please let me know if this is what you wanted !!

pairing: Yandere! Male x Villainess (serial killer) reader

summary: quick blurb/ intro

warnings: murder, killing, etc

To Yan! you were more than just a high school bully. He knew how evil you truly were. Only because he stalked you and knew your every move. Did that make him evil too? No, he was just lovesick, you were sick… sick in the head. Beyond repair actually, but he didn’t care. After watching you for years he knew why your mom’s dogs never lasted long, he knew that your friend didn’t fall and hit her head in third grade, he knew what you were really doing when you told your parents you were going to a concert with friends for the weekend. The first time he saw you kill, his stomach turned and he almost covered his shoes in vomit. He wanted to scream out, but he couldn’t risk exposing himself. But it was you, you were his perfect sweet angel there had to have been a reason. His darling wouldn’t kill someone unless there was a very very good reason. What the fuck had they done to you ?? Did they hurt you? No one was allowed to hurt you. But there was no reason. You were just evil, pure evil. When you got an internship at the local hospital he thought you had changed. You were doing good, you looked beautiful in your scrubs, and a big smiling face, all of the patients lit up when you shadowed their doctors. How could they not, his darling shined bright everywhere she went. But when he snuck into the hospital late one night to watch you like he always did, he saw you cover a poor lady’s face with a pillow, and you smiled even brighter once she stopped struggling and her heart monitor flatlined.

[pigeon-yum821]

//🌝🫀🪐

(TRIGGER WARNINGS: cursing, a little bit of drugs, abusive parents, talk about rape, a lot of mentioned suicide, violence)

It was supposed to just be a quick visit, in and out. Lesley wanted George’s birth certificate so they figured they’d just go and visit his parents. He barely recognizes the old white house, given the last time he saw it was before he joined the task force.

When they enter he immediately recognizes the smell of weed, a smell he’s come to hate over the years. The house is a little more messy than he expected, which is saying something since he expected it to be a damn hoarder home.

Lesley immediately goes to talking to his parents, and he does stay around for a little bit, but looking at Richard makes him sick. He eventually wanders off towards willows room, stopping and knocking at the door. He waits, and when he gets no response he just opens the door.

He looks around, very confused when he sees…no one’s there. All her stuff is there, and it’s a weekend so she shouldn’t be at school. He steps in, looking around as he notices the different oddities. The bed is made, all the lights are off, and the decoration in her room is almost dusty. It looks so abandoned. It also looks set up, not as naturally messy as it typically is.

He also notices the large red stain on the ground, along with the smell of cleaning products instead of the typical incense she would typically light. He silently leaves the room, heading back to the living room where his ‘parents’ and Lesley are talking.

“Hey Richard, where’s willow?” He asks, not caring at all that he just interrupted (mom) as she was just about to say something very rude to Lesley. “Oh…well.” Richard stutters, not entirely sure how to say this to George. Even Richard was scared of the large military man, George being rather intimidating.

“Well?” He asks again, sounding rather impatient with Richard. “…she’s dead.” He finally answers, sounding very wary. The silence is deafening, even Lesley’s jaw dropping as she looks over at George. She knows how close the two of them were, and how little patience he has with his parents.

“Fuck you mean dead?” He spits, his anger starting to flare up as he hears about this. “She’s dead. She slit her throat, dead.” Richard responds, trying to act tough. “You abused that girl until she killed herself?” George responds, slowly becoming more and more angry as he takes a step forward.

“I didn’t abuse her, just taught her some lessons.” Richard snaps. “You abused and raped that sweet little girl until she killed herself! She was 16 you horrible fuck!” George yells, making Lesley walk up to him and grab his hand, holding him back silently.

“She killed herself because of her own actions, you will stop blaming it on your father!” (mom) chimes in. “That monster is not my father!” George yells back, now fully livid. “He abused my sister until she killed herself. Do you not realize how heartless someone has to be to do that?!”

“You will quiet down and treat me with respect young man.” Richard responds, standing up and pointing a finger at George. “You will NOT try and be my father right now you pervert. Im NOT above beating some rapist ass.” George warns.

“George, stop. We don’t need any legal troubles right now.” Lesley chimes in, just as pissed and hurt but knowing that it would be a headache to deal with the authorities if George were to get in a fight. “Lesley, baby doll, go wait in the car.” George responds.

By the time George had finally exited the crusty old house it had been 30 extra minutes. Lesley was waiting in the car, perking up a little when she sees George opening the drivers side door. He silently sits in his seat, rubbing his bruised knuckles. Lesley notices.

“I’m guessing you did end up beating his ass?” She asks, not sounding mad at him. “…yeah. Bastard deserved it. And you don’t need to worry about the legal shit, I made sure he knew that if he were to call the police I’d immediately tell them everything he did.” George responds in a tired tone.

Lesley nods, but stays silent for a few seconds. She looks him over, noticing how he’s pretty much fine, and how quiet he is. She eventually speaks up. “..are you alright?”

George has to debate his answer. “…not necessarily. I’m pissed, sad, confused, and guilty all at the same time. Let’s just…get home.” He responds, sighing as he starts the car.

“Yeah, that makes sense. I feel the same way. Let’s go.” Lesley agrees, buckling her seatbelt.

(Editors note: this is super long and idk how to finish it 😭 might make a part 2.)

[regret-breathing]

im fucking sick of features!!!! stop trying to pad songs with names i know stop shoving the damn weekend down my throat i dont want 3 verses where two of them arent the artist i came to listen to and utterly diverge from the tone and message of the album i dont want names ive heard before even if i like them!!!! when i want to hear young thug i’ll listen to young thug!!!!!! AND I LOVE YOUNG THUG. i came here for YOU for YOUR vision for YOUR voice for YOUR product for YOUR love and YOUR music not these admittedly talented randos you hustled together at the last second. FUCK features if i could i’d hit the big red KILL button that deleted EVERY featured verse from existence just so i could listen to the damn music i came here for I WOULD!! that INCLUDES diamonds from sierra leone that INCLUDES grey matter that INCLUDES goosebumps!!! id rather live in a world without every excellent beautiful feature that makes me cry if i could do away with fucking TOPIA TWINS and fuckinng KRUSHED ICE and the goddamn IGNITION REMIX.

features have gotten OUT OF CONTROL. on the most recent travis scott album, only SIX out of NINETEEN tracks are just his vocals. Thats not to mention the uncredited features. only SIX. the FINALE isnt even just him its him, and fucking 21 SAVAGE of all people. i am not here for another miserable 21 verse!! and hes on TWO SONGS IN THE ALBUM. same with the weekend!!! who is so unbearably dull he drags every song thats otherwise fine down to his level!!!! i cant even focus on the good parts of these songs because theyre so utterly cluttered with herbs that its miserable!!!! i love the beyonce fearure but frankly i dont need it!! yknow who else is on this fucking album?? DAVE CHAPELLE. FOR SOME GOD DAMN REASON. can’t even take the alhum seriously once i realized that. literally poisoned by the totaly fucking unnecessary presence of an utterly pathetic man who didnt need to be there. and this is just one example of an album thats utterly chock full of unnecessary and disappointing features but this shit is out of control. this is nonsense this is a mass scale zoo escape. get this damn baboons put of my lovely reptile house.

[azumasoroshi]

dude im being 100% fr shizaya fanfic writers were and are fucking insane

because my school banned ao3 (my fault, but that's not important), i saved a bunch of super long shizaya fics (which are PLENTIFUL for some reason, maybe because tastewithouttalent wrote so goddamn many) and have them open to entire work which allows it to stay open on my school devices without being “registered” per say

and they have been like. fucking destroying me

To Hell and Back by corteae started with “izaya and shizuo travel around the world and wacky shenanigans happen” and i was messaging my discord server like “SHIZAYA WORLD TOUR WOOOOOOO” and i was expecting wacky shenanigans and then suddenly everything went off the fucking rails in the way i LEAST expected it to happen

like maybe i wouldn’t have been so blindsided if i hadn’t skimmed through the tags so quickly but like it’s more fun that way. i hate when i actually see a ‘major character death’ tag warning because i want to be surprised

ANYWAY that was genuinely like. one of my favorite fanfiction reading experiences to date. it was like reading a whole novel with how much original stuff was in there but it was so focused on izaya and shizuo and characterized them so unexpectedly well that the original stuff never really felt out of place or forced even though it was so wild

and even though it got super dark at times it maintained this really hopeful outlook on everything and sometimes it was downright cheesy but it just WORKS for that fic and i love it because of that

and some of the challenges it made the characters go through just worked SO well for their canon characters especially post-ketsu and i gasped audibly at some of them and Ahrhghgghhfdgfd

and then the past few days i was reading this zombie apocalypse fanfiction (april 23rd by izayas) and it was like. the most depressing fanfiction reading experiences to date. i literally had a panic attack in school after i read this for a bit too long a session like holy shit it just felt so real and so heavy and hopeless

the writing was phenomenal and well-planned/foreshadowed and probably has the best shizuo AND izaya characterization that i’ve ever seen?? like i could believe things would actually happen in this way in canon. probably because their hate for each other is so intrinsic and they’re never really able to let go of that?? which is not what i expected because yes they bond and yes they care for each other but it was always in a way so that you could feel the wall between them, and even when they connect it’s only briefly, never enough to tear them away from their hatred fully

it almost feels shakespearean in how tragic it is?? everything is so character driven and all their downward spiraling is so poetic and sickening but utterly gorgeous to read. like at so many points you’re like GOD if only they had done this one small thing different, if only if only if only and it’s just htrgrhgfhgd drives me insane which is probably what izayas-san was going for lmao. esoecially at the end you can really feel the shakespeare tragedy kicking in

it’s notable that although it’s tagged shizaya and very much centers around their relationship, it’s much more an exploration of the will of human nature and their individual struggles with coping and growing from their experiences, and there’s like. no typical romance whatsoever

it’s about their sick, twisted, passionate love and whether it’s enough to save either of them or if it’ll kill both of them and just. god. i am empty after that fic i didnt cry but it feels like all the tears have been drained from my body i dont even know how to feel or how to function. i had to take a break from writing this review and it’s been a whole weekend and there’s still this weight on my chest that i cant get rid of :sob: for my sanity’s sake i sincerely doubt i could ever read it again but i honestly treasure that experience

ANYWAY READ SHIZAYA FANFICTION IT’S BUIILT DIFFERENT

[little-miss-dilf-lover]

Firstly, THE COMMENTS ON THE TEXT CONVIS POST!!! I'M PISSING 😭😭 He's so desparate, I can see him killing another assassin and stealing his phone just to text us to unblock him

About giivng Mandy a sibling, I think Tan would consider it since he'll want her to have someone like he has Lem

Also, Mandy swearing because she accidently heard Tan swear once?

You said his look can be intimitating, even if it's soft. Imagine we look away or hide in his shoulder, so he softly grabs our face to make us look at him. 🫠🫠

Buying him lolipops to replace a cig for when he can't smoke? And they're cherry flavor? :))

Sorry I'm always asking those things but have you thought about a backstory for us and Tan? I made one but I think it sounds kinda silly so I don't know if I should send it

I know I sound like a broken record since I already said this in like 3 already. I really do enjoy being back and writing to you, I was afraid my love for him was fading away, I didn't like any ideas I wrote in my notes and was overall pretty sad. (He was still on my mind, it's as if this man made himself a cozy room in my brain and is never leaving) I got sick in january so I had to stay at home and thought I might as well rewatch the movie. So many scenes and snarky remarks of him got me thinking "oh yeah that's why I fell in love with him". So now I'm here again. I love reading your response as well as the comments. 💗💗  Sorry for the ramble I wanted to get it off my chest

(Just wanted to ask, the next time your requests will be open, would you be ok with writing a small fic, like 700 words? If no that's completly fine !! I already saved a headcanon and small drabble for next time :)) Planning on sending more text convos this weekend

Also love your atj shirt. Might have to get a custom one for my bday <3 💺 anon

— right??? 😭😭😭 omg yes!! or even having to go out and get another sim card in order to text you. he probs has a stash of miscellaneous blocked ones piled somewhere

— he so would!! he would want her to have a best friend in sibling form. he wants for her to have someone she can talk to when older. and all those sibling bonding things

— she definitely has😭😭 I believe fuck is an easy one to say?? so that might be her first

— AAARDFGH !!! YES YEA YEAH YUP YEP

— super super cute!!! and cherry!! sneaky, I like it

— you know what, I actually haven’t. I prefer civilian readers, so it’s a little difficult bc being assassin would be easier to connect. but I have a concept idea of their relationship, but not how they met. don’t be daft, nothing you’ll send would be silly. you’re more than welcome to send it in if you’re comfortable. there’s no such thing as silly around here

— I really do as well!! it’s actually fun to talk to someone about him like this rather than myself all the time😭 awh!!! im glad you’re back into him now !! (and hope you’re feeling better now) never be sorry, thank you for sharing 💓💓

— they’re still open if you want to send something in, luckily been working through my inbox pretty fast so now I have a decent enough backlog in my drafts. and yes, ofc, that’s absolutely fine angel. looking forward to the text convos!! they were real fun

— AAAAH THANK YOU!! yes yes get one!! and happy birthday in advance if it’s coming up soon, if it is send in an ask so I can wish you a HBD💓

[coolcoelacanth]

i've been so fucking sad about my ex recently and i feel like a crazy person. it's deadass been 1 year since we last saw each other but it's all just hitting me right now. i was relieved for the first few months after we ended things, then i was sad, then i was doing just fine, now all of a sudden i have been fucking miserable about it for the past month. i really wish i could take my brain out of my head and run it under cold water. i feel like im short circuiting. ive just been overall depressed then ill randomly burst into tears about it for like 30 minutes. i've only been one one date since we ended things, and im starting to feel like ill never find someone i love like that again. he didn't treat me right, and i deserve better, but damn did we work together so well. if he hadn't been an idiot things could've worked out really well. now im back to square one, with all these people i genuinely have no interest in. and im pretty sure he started seeing someone shortly after we ended things and theyre still together. so i just feel even worse, like did all of that really mean that little to him? and why does he get to move on and have a happy ending? i feel like nothing is ever fair bro, i give my heart and soul to this shit and i get the short end of the stick every time. and i really, truly, deeply trusted him. i really really did. i dont know how to get over this horrible feeling of betrayal. it burns a hole in my stomach. it doesnt feel real. i dont want any of it to be real. its all just some kind of sick joke. and i keep playing back all the memories of all the things he did that hurt me, so im just hurting myself over and over again and just crying about it all. my brain is truly putting me thru my own personal hell, for why? who fucking knows. maybe bc i havent had a day off since august and im finally having a nervous breakdown, so my brain is just throwing everything its got at me. and i literally spent 8 hours studying today, then im working 8 hrs tmrw and studying afterward for my exam on monday. but it doesn't end there, it all just repeats on an endless cycle until my semester ends in december. i only have this semester and next semester left until i will only be doing rotations, but jesus christ if this doesnt kill me. and i used to have a reprieve on the weekends when my ex would come over for three days and we would just LOL and eat good food and i really felt like i could completely let all my walls down. now i never get to let my walls down because i dont trust anyone to be myself around. so im just constantly holding everything in all the time until i finally explode one day. this is literally so long but if you made it this far, im literally at my breaking point. and i dont even have time to have a break down, i get to cry about my life for a couple hours a day then i just keep going and going and going like a fucking lunatic. somebody please put me out of my misery for fucks sake

[avo-kat]

i hate cooking i hate meal planning i hate chopping ingredients i hate doing dishes i hate having to decide i hate needing to think of healthy meals i hate it all so so so much :(

and i cant stand to eat my regular meal prep meal anymore and i cant seem to find a replacement (i can eat the same meal for months until i Suddenly get sick of it and cant stand it anymore for a few weeks/months)

and i cant cook everyday, i simply cant, its soul sucking, its killing me, i cant do it, im not strong enough

so right now im eating a bunch of frozen foods and im getting sick of them too, im getting sick of frozen french fries which is appalling because they are my go to food

sobbing

why is it so hard

and i discovered couscous and i was so happy and i made a big batch and then two days later it went bad? it literally went bad. cant eat. a big pack of couscous. heartbreaking

im even getting sick of grilled cheese that i eat for breakfast on weekends what the fuck man how is that physically possible?

what am i supposed to eat, i hate it here

[edgarallanpoestan]

actually you know what? im so sick of the shit i see about addiction and alcoholism from people who have clearly never dealt with or even actually been around people with addiction issues. addiction doesnt make someone evil and abusive!!! id say its actually pretty fucking uncommon for someone with an addiction to be abusive.

the guys who go to frat parties and get hammered every weekend, and the moms who have 3 glasses of wine every night who get upset without that wine, and the people who literally find themselves unable to function without caffeine at least once a day? theyre all dealing with addiction!

and even for the people who arent, they arent fucking evil. to give yall a peek into my life, my dads been drinking my whole life. a few months ago, he went to a rehab center and was there for about 2 months. it wasnt because he was hurting us or yelling at us, or even that it was really inhibiting him in his day-to-day activities. actually, he mostly just got annoying when he got drunk, and maybe a little bit shorter. he went to rehab because drinking every night was making him unhappy, and it wasnt healthy, and we fucking care about him

im just so sick of this shit being demonized for no reason. one example that sticks in my head is this stupid tiktok i saw. it was captioned something like "pov, she finally sticks up to her alcoholic parents" and she mimes killing them. KILLING them. there was no mention of anything beyond them being alcoholic, because for some reason to most people that is synonymous with neglect or abuse. ive read countless books and fanfictions where parents dont give a shit about their kids, and its implied that their alcoholism is the reason

idk. this is messy and disorganized, im just fucking frustrated. if someone has an addiction problem, they deserve your support. please stop trying to paint everyone who has ever dealt with addiction like a villain. thanks.

[h7p3r4ct1v3-h0rn3t2]

im too tired and too cowardly to kill myself but even if i was not. it's not my fault they think it's better to trap me in their failing failed FAILED marriage than go fucking divorce. i want to be a kid again i want to go back to only staying with them on the weekends no i dont no i dont i have never known true warmth . it is always tainted with tension from god or from human error. i want to eat at rupe's with del ray and yvonne again. thats as close to family. true true warm family. as i think i will ever get. i am sitting in front of this post because im too tired to move my hand to the mouse and press post. post now. post now. show everyone how tired you are. nobody will believe you. you're fine! you havent cut but youve scratched and scratched. youre too weak to draw blood. and it shows. i need to show them all how ill ill ill sick sick sick i am but how how how. they basically force me to eat. i could never starve myself anyway glutton glutton glutton and like i said im far too weak to cut myself and draw blood. so what what what what what . i could start writing suicide notes and leaving them around the house. i would never kill myself. theres too much to live for. but it would make them worry for a bit. they only ever worry for a bit. and they assume it's not them. what could they have ever done wrong. this is like poetry if poetry was bad and if poetry was just spilling my guts onto a digital paper and sending it out for a bit of pity that i dont get from the people i need it from. roses are red roses are red roses are violets who fucking cares. i have school tomorrow it's 7:40. it's 7:40. at night. but it's fine. i have to make lunch in the morning. the world shall spin no matter how tired and sick and tired and sick and so so so tired i am. this is perhaps the longest post ive made in one sitting. congratulations me! post now. post now.

[posallys]

My lab report is due today but i haven't even started it because my laptop shit thr bed and then i got sick and now i have a splitting fucking headache and i need to get up and do it but if i move im going to cry i kinda want to email my lab prof and be like "hey I've been sick all weekend and my laptop killed itself so i haven't been able to do the report" but at the same time. I've had it for a whole week soooooo idk maybe ill feel better after a nap

[rose-and-lemongrass]

Ok I’m on the verge of falling into Despair so As Per Tradition here’s a list of horror movies I’ve watched for the first time this year that I’ve really liked

-The Wicker Man 1972

So here’s a good example of why spoilers don’t really bother me. I knew the ending going in (bc of the Nic Cage remake) and it still FUCKED ME UP SEVERELY. Like I was in TEARS. I didn’t even like the main character but GEEZE. It was 90% the sound of the ending scene I think.ikr the singing and the hymn and the cows screaming all layered on top of each other. It’s awful (high compliment). On a lighter note it’s also a secret musical and all the songs are bops :D

-Sinister

Speaking of knowing the ending and also horrifying sound design. This got spoiled for me by a classmate like 13 years ago. Was still sitting there watching it like 😨 Like god I get why this is considered THE scariest movie. Like hell damn this is one scary movie. Mostly bc of the music like holy god I felt like eas having a fever dream. This movie genuinely reminds me of the time I was sick on the couch slipping in and out of consciousness and my mom put on American Horror Story. I’m mad it was a Blumhouse film i genuinely believe it would be a masterpiece if Blumhouse wasn’t forcing jumpscares in there.

-X/Pearl

Lumping these two together cause idk they’re both in the same series and I love them. Pearls fucking great I love it dearly. And X reminded me I’m scared of Alligators uhhh rip Bobbi Lynn

-Longlegs

Lee Harker ❤️❤️❤️ I vibe with this one I don’t care. I understand it deep in my soul. It’s also one of those things of whenever I watch it or watch a reaction to it I notice something new and I love that shit!! What a cool fuckin movie

-In A Violent Nature

Oh I vibed heavily with this one. A jaunty nature walk with my best friend Johnny. Turning a girl into a human pretzel. Awesome. Was emotionally impacted by the ending and was apparently the only one who was!! Spent the weekend afterwards wondering why my interpretation of the ending was the complete opposite of everyone else’s and now I might make a video about that because. What the fuck

-Saint Maud

This movie deeply wounded me. I also watched it on my birthday. What an awful decision that was I was just sitting there in shock afterwards like. Oh no. Oh god. Anyways awesome movie I never want to see it again

-Speak No Evil 2022

Speaking of movies that fucked me up I never want to see again. I was literally pausing the movie every 5 minutes to scream at the characters. And then the end made me sick. I respect the hell out of it though. And I deeply resonated with it bc IM a spineless coward who gets roped into awful social situations all the time!! The characters are me!! Someday a freaks gonna invite me over to their house and I’m gonna be too polite to leave and then they’ll kill me and I’ll just be like. Damn Speak No Evil 2022 was right. Also fuck the American remake

-Happy Death Day

…Ok this has no business being as good as it is wtf. Amazing lead too like wow Tree is such a great character I love her. This is a good one if you want to get into horror but are nervous about it btw bc there’s basically no gore and it’s really really fun

-Suitable Flesh

I’m gonna be honest idk if I LIKE this movie. Or if I’m just shell shocked. That there’s a possession movie where a demon possesses a woman for the first time and then experiences a female orgasm and is like WOW THIS IS GREAT IM ONLY POSSESSING WOMEN FROM NOW ON!!! Like excuse me???????

-Strange Darling

Yesssss this movie is soooooo good!! Idk even what to say about it I’m starting to lose steam it’s just really really good :D

-Stream

This movie is not good. But that kill. With the tick tack toe. Was the most fun I had in the theater all year I was scream laughing and rolling around in my seat. Ah god bless I hope they make more i need more crazy shit like that in my life

-Blink Twice

Honestly really good thriller. There’s a bunch of twists but they’re GOOD twists they were set up properly. And some solid female solidarity in that movie, always nice to see. The last five minutes were…. Umm…. Less good? Idk how I feel about that yet. But I love the rest of it!!

-Oddity

I just thought it was neat :) EXTREMELY tense opening too oh my goddddd

-When Evil Lurks

That kill. You know the one. It made me cry ☹️

-Abigail

Soooooo the last 20 minutes were complete nonsense and drag the movie down for me but the rest is so much fun I’m including it here. Like genuinely just a really good time. That one dance scene was so cool

-Hatchet

Oh I didn’t know this existed till like a week ago. Genuinely really enjoyed it though. Reminded me a lot of Terrifier!!! And it’s really funny. I also kinda like how the first three movies function like one narrative and despite losing the lead actress it’s shockingly seamless you could stitch them together and it would flow perfectly

-Wolf Creek

Yo what the fuck Australia. That head on a stick thing was. Actually the most upsetting thing I’d seen in a while. Haven’t worked up the courage to watch the sequel yet ahahaha

-Evil Dead 2

I just think it’s neat!!! I’ve watched it twice now. It’s like my exact sense of humor it’s so good!!

-House of 1000 Corpses

Fish Boy!! And Captain Spaulding. The rest is ummmmmm. Ummmmmmmm. I mean it’s artistically really cool and I think it’s fun so you know what it’s going here’s

-All the Chucky movies

Haha. Yea. Y’all were right these are great

[b0yth1ng]

my mother hates me and she doesnt believe me and she thinks im a lazy fuck who doesnt do nothing just because i decided to sleep in one day bc im sick?????? "oh but i see you doing stuff" literally when????? but no i cant answer her properly bc i was dissociated the entire fucking weekend so i dont remember shit anyway!!!!! im gonna fucking THROW UP she thinks i dont do ANYTHING and thaz she never sees me being prouctive WHAT DO YOU THINK IM DOING ALL DAY "ur always on that damn pc and on call with people" QHERE ELSE WOULD I DO MY FUCKING HOMEWORK???? IM CALLING PPL SO I CAN FOCUS BETTER AND MAYBE GET HELP WITH SOME STUFF AND ALSO FEEL SAFE ENOUGH TO DO IT WITH YOU IN THE HOUSE. IF I PLAY GAMES ITS WHEN IM DONE WITH MY WORK. I DO MY FUCKING STUFF. I GO TO MY FUCKING APPOINTMENRS AND I KNOW TO PLAN MY SHIT. I DONT NEED YOUKNOWINF MY ENTIRE CALENDAR I DONT NEED YOU PLANNING EVERYTHIN FOR ME. IF I TELL YOU SOMETHING ITS BECAUSE I WANT YOUTO KNOW. YOU SOULD BUILD TRUST NOT FESR YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING ASSHOLE OF A WOMAN YOU SHOHLDVE NEVER HAD A CHILD IM NOT YOU PAWN IN YOUR LITTLE GAME OF CHESS. IM A PLAYER IN ITJUST LIKE YOU SO TREAT ME LIKE IT AND NOT ANOTHER PLAYING FIELD FOR YOR STUPID CONTROL FANTASIES ugh. im sick. im fucking SICK of this shit. you make me feel worse than the actual godforsaken illness that has befallen me. this headachr is NOTHING compared to what you make me feel every day. youre the reason i want to kill myself every day. youre the reason i drink fo feel bette youre the reason i keep relapsing youre the reason i can NEVER heal

[keefwho]

November 01 - 2022

8:17 AM

No one likes to work, me included. And I don’t even have much to do relatively speaking. But it still sucks ass and I’m still trying to find a way of doing/thinking about it so I’m a little less miserable. Most of the time it comes down to knowing how awesome I’ll feel if I buckle down and get it done early so I have the rest of the day to goof off, but I still know I’ll have to do it all again tomorrow. And the next day. But part of bearing it is accepting it is ceaseless, its just how it is. 

11:37 AM

My tummy has been unhappy for most of the morning but I’m not letting it bother me. It’s just annoying that it can happen so suddenly so often. I can’t wait for it to get better though. It happens enough that using it as an excuse for a break will mean I never get anything done. And I can’t hope for a natural break like a weekend all the time. I just have to deal with it. 

2:14 PM

I did my time for today but I’m VERY stressed because I want to do good on this current commission and I’ve put a lot of time into trying to get it right. But I just cant get it to a good place. HOW MUCH TIME Is it gonna take me? Will I be able to get it done in a reasonable time at all? It’s difficult sometimes to meet my personal quotas and put out things I can be proud of. The only way to fix that would be to get better at being fast or charge more and I feel like I charge enough already. I’m gonna do my best to stop thinking about it right now and save it for tomorrow. It’ll be better to look at it with fresh eyes later anyways.

I WANT TO CRYYYY I can’t figure this shit out, it’s killing me  Im so fucked

4:34 PM

Once again I am in despair about my anxiety/phobia. 

I SHOULD be happy about getting groceries but I’m always just scared of them. Even the freezer food these days. Mainly the stuff in the fridge. Its hard to figure out what to do about all this. I’m afraid of basically all food to some degree. Eating is almost never enjoyable because I do it with caution. Thats why I struggle to eat enough. Its silly because I’ve never once gotten food poisoning in my life and I used to have the same food standards as my parents. 

All I know to do is practice a little exposure and eat things I’m afraid of anyways, even if its just in small amounts. Pretending can help too, like pretending that everything is fine because it literally is. Its just fact that food isn’t as unsafe as I feel it is and I also have very high safety standards with everything I get. The reality is NOTHING I currently have should make me sick. Somewhere inside me I believe that something in my fridge/freezer/panty MUST be tainted. But none of it should be. 

Maybe it’ll be good to write down every time I challenge myself and track that. I could have a 1-10 rating score on how challenging it was. I can probably do that with my calender but I don’t like cluttering it. 

I know I must come off as fucking crazy but I’m trying my hardest to stop being this way. I would talk to a therapist again if I had the money but I need to get my work life sorted out more. I feel like it’s been in shambles for awhile. I used to be proud of how much I did and I always pulled in more money than I meant to but now I’m finding it hard to keep up. 

4:58 PM

I think what I need is some coordination when it comes to how I’m trying to tackle my mental issues. I’m still kinda just winging it but some direction would be useful. Like implementation of a challenge system so I can record them and set goals. And maybe things I do daily like a recap of the days events followed my reading over the previous day’s entries. I’ve been meaning to re-read everything but I’ve been slacking. 

5:21 PM

I was down for a little bit there but I’m picking myself back up. It feels wrong though, like I’m supposed to be miserable. But I should accept I deserve happiness. I also have the strong need to be consistent so I feel like being happy is a waste if I’m just going to be sad again so I should expect to stay sad. But I know that’s dumb. Everything is up and down. I should enjoy the ups. I’m currently feeling confident that I can make changes in my life and become who I want to be. Sometimes I slip up but I can always get myself back on track and do good things. I’m giving myself a little bit of deserved relaxation. REAL relaxation. I worked hard today so I deserve it. 

Recap

This morning I woke up feeling like it was another weekend day because I do that every Sunday. I was very confident, I made myself a short list on sticky notes of things I’d get done in order as quickly as I could. I really didn’t want to waste time today like I usually do. I was moderately successful. My tummy kinda hurt and that was my biggest problem but I pulled through enough to be proud of myself. My ultimate goal was to get everything done before my dad brought my groceries at around 2:30 and I achieved that. I also decided to actually draw for 2 hours instead of just setting a 2 hour timer for it. If I go by timer alone, I end up not drawing for 15-30 minutes of that time because of bathroom breaks or sidetracking and I still tote myself as having drawn that whole time. Instead I went purely by my time tracker so I made sure to get that time in. I also put a stopwatch on the side and it took me 2.5 hours to do 2 hours of work. LOTS of distractions. 

The afternoon was spent worrying a little bit before calming down and taking some much needed me time. I relaxed with BOTW and then Hyrule Warriors and Medievil while in call with my besties. Then I had some VRchat time with them and got off for dinner. 

[lameunknown]

oh andrea we’re really in it now. dont read the tags if you dont want your night ruined.

[trujellyfish]

how does my sister have direct fucking contact with her covid positive boyfriend that she lives with and NOT catch it

but when i see my covid positive roommate in passing, and both of us are barely home anyway so literally like 5mins a day of exposure (and only over the course of 3 days i might add bc he was gone for 2 weeks before that), somehow

some fucking how

i am now covid positive.