#if your friends cared theyd learn sign

[sunset-bridge]

gorbo thoughts part .. 3?

goro thoughts update. id like to ramble again

ok i think he might not have ocd actually! i mean he could but like...i dont think theres too many signs. so yes id like to. recall that. i think that was just me projecting LMAO.. its ok! i love learning more about my favorite guy. you know what he does have

i stand by the ocpd. (obsessive compulsive personality disorder, its a completely different thing from OCD. its a personality disorder) also Definetely ctpsd (complex ptsd)...... ! i was talking with someone and they brought it up and i was like. WOAG.. after reading about it

disclaimer: i only talk about these because i have them LOL.. im sure gorbo has a cute soup of Other problems but like. i cant really talk about those well... i find these two really interesting though.

see. ocpd, is like the perfectionist control freak disorder. its what people Think ocd is lol. BUT as a personality disorder, its so much more than that. people with ocpd also:

-you tend to have a black and white moral code

-your way is the only right way.

-you like to do things alone because no one else could do them right; this may cause relationship problems and you may come across as a fucking cunt ( i know this..)

difficulty compromising and accepting any critisicim of your actions or opinions.

excessive devotion to work and productivity

sosososo afraid of failure even if its kinda small. you feel it will ruin your image forever and ever. if i make a mistake put me to death please.

Frequently become overly fixated on a single idea, task or belief. even to detriment of . everything else in your life...

yeah...

me and some friends definetely see some of these in goro! ofc im so happy to hear what you guys think, i dont mind changing my views at all (like with the ocd thing i changed opinion about!)

like.. hes super fixated on his revenge plan, its the Only thing he cares about and everything is fair game if it allows him to advance that. leave him alone, its no one elses problem. he knows what hes doing. he has to be right about his values and beliefs. he has to. or else whats the point. dont tell him hes wrong. what do you mean? you dont know anything about him. he cant fail, he cant make mistakes, he has to work hard so everyone sees him exactly as he wants to and as someone valuable.

and. cptsd. as the name suggests its. a form of ptsd but..it has the Special Added features of:

-sometimes cant control emotions well

-you feel angry distrustful and resentful at the world in general

you feel worthless, empty or forever damaged by an event. like if you were stained with dirt forever.

you feel isolated. like no one could ever even understand what you went through (not in like an. edgy kid way. like fr. you feel even if you explained to people. they wouldnt understand you and your feelings. or theyd judge you and further hurt you...)

avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult (!!)

escapism or depersonalisation...dissociative behaviors .

yeah.. ! yeah. i think these ring quite some bells huh..! its really shitty! you feel like no one would get it, like no one would like you, like you are ruined forever and theres not much to do about it.

makes sense that goro would absorb himself in his plan. after all. he felt he was some sort of curse upon his mom; as if he was the one responsible for ruining her life.. but hed like to "redeem" himself with the revenge plan. he has to, even if its difficult to go on. i wonder if he planned to do anything if he achieved his plan? i dont think so. its a bit sad but.. he didnt really seem to plan doing. or living much more after. its like his whole life he convinced himself his only use would be as the vehicle to enact a revenge years in the making, and thats it.

as if he wasnt a person. just a tool to revenge. i think this is why its so difficult, frustrating and downright distressing to him to accept he too, has feelings and wants and needs like any Normal Person on planet earth. no way. those just interfere with the plan. and he has no right anyways.

i thought how id feel, in his shoes and with all my cute soup of wrong stuff, if some guy showed up, hes the guy i gotta kill. ok. then hes nice with me, as if mocking me. hes better at me in most things. he has friends and family and everyone likes him and he barely moves a finger. while i had to work so damn hard to even get acknowledged?? what does he have that i do not. hes nothing special. so why? then this guy acts like a fool even when hes so extraordinary in every aspect... does he think its funny? for someone so special to pretend to be ordinary. when id kill to be just half as special as him. honestly.. id become super frustrated with this bastard too. his presence would infuriate me. and the most frustrating thing, would be that this guy seems to be the only guy that seems to like hanging out with me. what the hell. guess he enjoys trying to humor me..

man...

[449l7618]

i dont know how to start or end this and i cant find words, i cant form sentences- and i wish i could write this in my native language without sounding pretentious- but i dont understand i dont understand anything at all- i feel like a childe - but its been months since ive sen my friends -3 months actually- and i haven't gotten any messages from them ?? im not even asking for facetime anymore ? i hust thought that maybe- maybe after you start uni- maybe toud wNt to talk to your friends about it- ive heared my college friend mrntion how she cant go a day without talking do her friends- and im stading here confused because- no communication?? do none of you think about me at all ?? have they just decided that im doing okay ?? do they not care?? why not ?? im confused ?? two of them id didn't see everyday okay- and i understand maybe just because of that - maybe i can pretend i do to some extent - but i saw the other one almost everyday ???

it sounds stupid but it makes me feral- because?? you just dont care ?? and ive texted them- sure they weren't very fun messages but- i asked if they liked it there and how it was - and their answer was just so - so dry- and no conversation initiated- and maybe maybe in the worst case scenario- but it doesn't make sense- bc i mever thought they didn't care about me ?? ive doubted every other quality of mine but never that i was a bad friend? didn't i open up enough ? were we pretending to be friends ? and god knows after this im gonna get my ass up and keep learning but- im confused. did i miss signs i wasn't needed that much ?? and i thought that maybe before leaving theyd at least wanna meet up ?? and all of them ? and only 1 of them wanted to hang out ?? i know i wont have them around the whole life but- ?? im?? so desperately confused because i wanna know how they're doing and all i can get are bereals ( and they dont even react to mine?? ) and insta stories that give me barely nothing ? i'm just so so so confused .

[wri0thesley]

Im such a clown for ppl having to learn to depend on others who wont let them down despite like every other time before. So could i get some la squadra headcanons for a new teammate who usually has to pull lone wolf stuff or only has ppl depend on them actually working with others and developing concern for the team? Theyd probably get spoken to a few times at first because of the unfriendly attitude but the power of friendship prevails and they end up actually being a sweetie who just couldnt show that part before 😌 (please and thank you)

beneath the cut!

Risotto is used to being a lone wolf himself, so he totally understands your predicament - however, you’re now a member of a team, and you have not yet proven yourself as worthy or capable of handling things alone. He’s not one for scoldings - he doesn’t have time, and he’s awkward enough that he doesn’t like doing it - but he will pull you into his office to look into your eyes with his own, both pitch-dark and blood-red, as he tells you in that low rumbling voice that you have to learn to work as a team, even if you’re not used to it. He might even take charge of being your partner himself - after all, the rest of La Squadra are already paired up, and as the rookie you’re at risk of being more hindrance than help. The first time that you act out on your own to protect him, Risotto’s lips curl into a smile, even as you go hot all over and awkward. Your walls are very slowly coming down, and Risotto is happy to help in that process. 

Formaggio thinks your insistence on being alone is so funny, and he seeks to ruin it in any way possible. As the heart of the team, he considers it his duty to try and get you to laugh and to smile, whether the two of you are on a mission together or whether you’re just in the hideout. You get incredibly frustrated by his easy-going personality, the way he laughs and slaps you on the back - but when you snap back at him, there’s a strange glint in his eye that suggests you’re on thin ice, so you try to control yourself. In the end, he gently pulls and coaxes laughter out of you too. When your defenses are finally down and you don’t know how to admit that you care, Formaggio is the first one you go to with your predicament, and his careful handling (surprisingly sensitive) helps you along with the rest of the squad enormously. 

Illuso knows that you’re sweet at heart, because Illuso has seen and spoken to your former friends, sees you when you don’t know he’s there, and has all of the intelligence on you that he could ask for. He watches the way that you establish yourself as a loner in La Squadra with interest and holds his cards close to his chest, because he is always waiting to see how he can use them to benefit himself. When you come back from missions with Formaggio with a light smile on your face, he can’t help but grin to himself in return too that your defenses are falling. He won’t take an active part in the attempt to get you to open up your heart, but his own lone nature means that the two of you never really get into arguments either. He’s quick to embrace the new you when it comes out - it’s nice to be fussed over a little bit. 

Prosciutto, born and raised in the mafia, knows that the good of the all should come before the good of the many - and for that reason, he finds you abhorrent at first. He understands your desire to be solitary, but he’s forever sharply barking at you about how selfish it is for you to be like this. You need to get along with everyone else so that the team can work smoothly. He tells you that you don’t need to be friends with them, but the absolute least you could do is work with them as equals, because it’s downright insulting that you seem to think you can do everything on your own. He’s one of the most wary when your true colours start to show - he has a tendency to make snap judgements on a person’s character, and he’d had you pegged for selfish. Still. One of the things he values most in other people is potential, and you have that in spades, so he clenches his fists and hopes it’s not a trick. The longer that everything goes on, though, the easier it is for Prosciutto to see that your initial reactions to everything were a self-defense mechanism - and as a man who puts up his own walls and barriers, he can understand that. 

Pesci is a little scared of you. Honestly, you remind him of Prosciutto in that you don’t seem to need anybody else around you, only instead of dedicating yourself to helping those weaker than yourself, you seem to want to protect them - all on your own. He’s much too scared of you to shout at you or complain, and he’s only ever out with you on a mission with Prosciutto who does the scolding himself. When you and Formaggio have that talk about you wanting to let your true self shine through, Pesci is the first person you go to in order to apologise. Your much sweeter, gentler, more giving nature wins him over completely - and he’s key, too, in making sure that Prosciutto accepts your new self. 

Melone is not deterred by your desire to act alone. Melone is not deterred by much - he’s a constant presence at your side, talking and flirting and smirking and ignoring you when you tell him to leave you alone. Whilst you can attempt to be a lone wolf in his presence, it’s likely you will not succeed - and in his constant talking, he manages to eke out information like your blood type and your star-sign. With these, he occasionally gives you small smiles - he knows, you see, that these things predispose you to being generous and kind and sweet. He knows, too, then, that you’re putting on an act - and when your true self is revealed, he’s smug in the knowledge that he predicted it. He doesn’t treat you any differently from before, though - Melone was ignoring your attempts to be solitary from the very beginning. 

Ghiaccio’s pissed off by you. What else is new? He’s pissed off in various ways at various times at every member of the team in turn, so it’s no surprise - but it’s a surprise to him that you don’t seem to care about his anger, that you simply go off on your own. He yells at you on missions about how you’re endangering everyone by not thinking of anyone but yourself - how you have to learn to get along when you’re in a group like this together (which is rich, coming from him). But after you have begun to mellow out, and you’re concerned . . . well. You would expect Ghiaccio to sniff at you and snark about how this isn’t going to fool him, but Ghiaccio too has had to unlearn some things now he’s part of a team and he sees his former self mirrored in you. He sees that you’re trying to do better - so he accepts it, and if he gets flustered when your sweet nature is applied to him, nobody needs to know that. 

Sorbet and Gelato keep themselves to themselves. They’re grudgingly impressed by your insistence on doing the same thing, though when you’re assigned to work with them on a mission, they find you endlessly frustrating. They move as one, looking out for one another - and as the oldest and most experienced members of the team, they don’t appreciate that they suddenly feel like they have to babysit you. Gelato speaks to you harshly - as a former military man, he hates that streak of the ‘lone wolf’ in you most of all when it puts the rest of the team at risk. When your softer side starts coming through, after spending so much time with other members, they ease up on you a little bit. Still, they’re never going to be overly friendly - they’ve got each other, and they need very little else. They will make fun of your occasionally sappy smiles and your sweet sudden concern for everyone though. They’re the most likely to bitingly remind you of just how unfriendly you were when you first came to La Squadra. 

[p-st]

my "unkillable" quirk oc's hero name (villain? just for fun civillian name?) would absolutely be "Casualty"

a lil joke based on their casual view on death and well. death

dunno if theyd be a hero, villain, or civillian! theyre all pretty fun to explore. a vigilante would also be cool but i dont think theyd be a super morally upstanding one. definitely theyd kill a villain to restrain them bc "theyre totally fine! yeah, they're definitely dead, officer, but theyll walk it off in a few hours so it's no big!"

okay actually..thatd be a fun universe 🤔

hold on lemme just. type out loud here

Casualty: The Undying Hero! (or is it the other way around? idk how hero titles work) their wounds heal faster than most and if they “rejuvenate” you (crowdsourced name), one quick nap later you'll be good as new! (bc they also heal faster when out though not as fast as them) they will only "rejuvenate" people who have given their full consent or there is no other option (heros they work with sign contracts that give the okay and for what circumstances)(civillians give spoken consent and can request a full contract at their agency if theyre frequent fliers)

casualty decides case by case what the best course of action would be because, unfortunately, they do come across several suicidal heros and civillians alike that just want to know what its like to die. they have several connections with mental health professionals!

like eraserhead, casualty's quirk doesnt give way to much combat ability (pretty good for defense tho is still hesitant to kill someone. villain or not. some ppl can get addicted to the feeling) they compensate during fights with support tools! this isnt something ive thought about so idk what kind of fighting style theyd gear themselves towards but i think id like something pretty versatile.

also kinda looking for the secret to their death since yeah their own body can kill them but they dont really get sick and, while not immortal, they'll likely outlive everyone of their generation

Casualty: The Killer Villain! (do villains even have titles like this lol?) just THINK of the way torture would go! they can drive right up that edge and when they push a little harder and you come out the otherside unscathed you still arent safe bc youre under their whim! not a big bad with huge showy villainous actions but arguably much worse than those who make headlines.

more of an information broker! theyre the one u go to if u wanna make someone break. also takes "assassination" jobs (the PERFECT person to help you fake your death. deals identities like cards) not much in the way of morals and will give you a quick death fix but mostly to get you off their back (thinks ppl who wanna die are pretty disgusting and they revel entirely in their longlasting life. slow and steady, babey) has people contracted to kill others for them.

definitely looking for someone able to kill them. it's a big daring exciting joke to them! fellow villains will make attempts and theyll critique their effort later. also they make a very good partner for ppl trying to test out how much a new move would hurt (other villains come to these spars and time how long casualty stays down. theres a leader board for the longest time down bc it means their move was incredibly violent)

Casualty: A Name as Feared as it is Revered! (okay this one is just for fun) being able to kill but it not sticking is PERFECT for them in their mind. in this universe they couldnt think of another path being better for them (because of their black and white view of “heros save” and “villains kill” and that their quirk fits neither. not really)

theyve got a hit on them from everyone and it makes their days exciting! they compliment the more creative attempts and will drop by the place of person who killed them and leave a sticky note with a full review lol. as mentioned above, kills as a way to restrain! it's to the point where it's so common that whenever it's mentioned that they were involved w a crime a special crew comes to take care of it (you gotta be trained to compartmentalize seeing so many dead ppl that wake up kicking. it does smthn to ya)

theyll target everyone alike! heros, villains, civillians! it doesn't matter youre all ripe for the pickin! theyve got ins with a wide range of ppl and if they cant deal with them personally theyll follow what they see as the best course of action. some people deserve to be publically demolished by a hero, some deserve the horror of a villain, and some deserve the cold hand of civillian law. theyve got a little (major) god complex and believe they have the right to be the judge jury and executioner (in spirit lol) obviously this mindset isnt well received by the public (coughstainchough) but unfortunately they make good judgement calls and they usually dont get the final say in what happens to someone anyway (unless they kill the person and that person learns their lesson or whatever)

does however have a personal vendetta of reforming systems and being very against the pissing contest that are hero rankings. this occasionally makes their judgement calls biased.

the most consistent things would be:

connections. lots of them and the types of connections depend on what path theyre on. theyre good at talking

outside support in the form of weapons or people to "finish the job"

general belief that their choice is more than likely the right choice

loose morals. comes with the territory of a death based quirk

controversial in any universe (except maybe a bonus one where they claim their quirk is not being able to die and not also not being able to kill? that universe would be steeped in self hate and either a bitter death or a life dedicated to putting a mental health support system in place for people with "villainous" quirks)(actually their quirk would still be controversial bc thats the point lol)

permanent casual view on death. doesnt see the big deal

very hm. unconnected to living? sure theyre just excited to be here! but they have the most solid grasp on the inevitability of death while also not super getting that when someone dies they get to stay dead? theres also the tiniest bit of envy there

probably either never got the death talk or got it very late. no one knows how many kids were at risk while being friends with them while young bc they wouldnt put the effort into saving them from life threatening situations (bc casualty always got back up, why wouldnt anyone else)

(bonus story for above would be that once while they were a kid a friend fell off a tree and hit the ground in front of them and they just walked away to keep playing then they came back later and the friend was still there so they went to either their own parent or the kid's parents and told them "[name] is taking a long time to get back up, i wanna play again." queue the sad ending here im aiming for)

upbeat sometimes in a near manic way. genuinely happy really often and finds joy in the smallest things like a slug in the grass or a wildflower coming out of the sidewalk (life in all kinds of places in all kinds of ways!)(theyre big fans of mushrooms. in death theres life or life gives way to life or whatever. idk it's fake deep. i just think mushrooms are cool and wanna project)

anyway this is like. long as shit lol! is anyone even reading this? i love you if you are. i might try to take this character and bend it to fit some of my own worlds bc wow i think theyre cool BUT if any bnha fans ARE reading this please feel free to include them in fics or stuff if you want! link me if you do id literally fall in love (u can name them what u want, dress them how you want, give them whatever pronouns you want, etc.)(dont claim them ofc but using them is fine!)

(and if you want me to idk... flesh out a character for you? 😳 lol id be very open to that! i love worldbuilding!! you dont have to.. aha... unless..?😳😳)

[gg-astrology]

hey, how are you? could you pls do taurus sun, cap moon for the sun-moon placements thingy? ty 🥰💓

Hey there! 💕 💕 💕  Ahh I’m doing slightly better today tysm for asking! 💕 💕  I hope you’re doing well too! 💕 💕 

[Below Cut: Taurus Sun - Capricorn Moon 🍵]

Wants love/nurture/care but at the same time they’re so plagued/bogged down by their own doubt, insecurity and ‘personal issues’ 

Most of these are self-fulfilling prophecies, but the double earth combo can have a really hard time not calculating consequences to things, actions, decision they think they have to make. That they lose opportunities for happiness altogether.

You’re practical to a fault, to the point where you feel yourself (know that you’re) limiting yourself. You like being decisive, directive. Concrete and straight-forward response ( ‘hey I think this..’) But you drive yourself into paranoia when it comes to trying to decipher other people’s reaction/motive/what they mean when they do that.

You flounder between thinking ‘oh maybe it doesn’t mean much’ and thinking ‘shit does it mean something?’ -- Taurus/Capricorn knows they can be oblivious (not pay attention) to other people’s reaction because they’re self-contained/sufficient. They may think themselves as kind of dense, and it has never been a problem for them until they actually hope/want something from others y know?

‘Ignorance is bliss’ can only work for so long, these people are stubborn and clingy to their own ways/methods to thing.

 Learn sometimes that you are repressing your own emotions-- that emotions are supposed to flow, instead of blocking yourself for getting your hopes up, for having faith in others, for not being practical all the time. 

Learn how to let emotions be emotions, how to ride the wave. It’ll help you ‘come down’ later (when it evens out) and think practically later.

This is how to develop your Capricorn Moon instead of making it ugh-- bad for you all the time. You can learn how to use it to your best, if you let it pause/hit stop and let emotions do it’s own thing as well (practice) without the interference of your mind buzzing all the time.

You work better when you actually process your emotions, let it heighten spike and then envelop you, before it evens out. Once you’re relaxed/drained-- you can have an easier time planning your next step of action (instead of your overly obsessive hyped up paranoid self doing the thinking)

Anyways it’ll take time. Taurus/Capricorn are also people who stands firm with their friends, they may not show it much but they do care. And often times they’d like to spoil others if they can (Venus/Saturn)

That doesn’t mean that they do it thoughtlessly, these people are prudent/frugal to a fault. Even when you spoil your friend it’s as a ‘reward’ -- you want them to feel like they’ve accomplished something before you shower them with gifts. 

You can be stern/strict when you have to, you know when to put your feet down and you’re not afraid to do it. Often times, you’re the friend who always have your head on right and can stop others from being ‘stupid/foolish/going to hurt themselves’--- but you have to learn how to let go

You know this--- part of your insecurity is that you feel like you’re not as fun or bold or joyful as others. You like your comfort, but why is there nothing ‘special’ in your comfort you can show off to others? Learn how to let go, let your impulsivity come by. Learn how to tie your practicality with bold ideas, let your friend influence/help you, enable you to do stuff and put that clever clever mind to use instead.

You’re better at being street-smart than you realize, you just like safety a lot. Learn how to listen to others, have an open-mind to those who’s a little more maverick than you. Learn how to have fun, and find your purpose socially too (who you are socially) -- it’ll help you feel a little less distanced/not so special and a lot more appreciative of your own traits y know?

With those you love, you love dearly. You set down roots with fond trust and happiness with them. But that takes time and shift to grow on you because you can be terrified of change/things that moves too fast. You might have to confront that fear-- especially if you feel like someone is trying to get you to open- up/changes in your relationship-- don’t let your own stubbornly/safety-net keep you from not adjusting to the pace of the world.

Value yourself in your talent, your skills rather than the result/what you get from it. Your worries are often just your own make-up of things that you think are against you (odds more than benefits even if it’s made up in your mind-- opportunities vs practicality, you hesitate to think about opportunities you can afford.). 

You have to learn how to let go of your ‘self-identity that’s measured with material wealth around you’ -- whether it’s with friends (unstabilizing friendship) with your achievements or with what/who you think you are. By re-defining yourself with positivity and optimism-- like ‘yeah I’m a good artist/person/deserve to be love’ -- you advance more and doesn’t let your own adversary (your own mind) get the best of you. 

Try not to hold onto your fears, or suppress your feeling so much. You have to release that tension by openly admitting to it and talking about it-- I know as an earth/earth you’re already going ‘yikes sure maybe later’-- but try to do so now. Try to implement it now in your everyday life. Grab one of your friends, and maybe have them help you learn how to be better at expressing/accepting your feelings.

(Don’t grab another earth sign friend btw, or fire sign for that matter. Try to grab someone who’s a water, preferably Scorpio or Cancer)

I hope this helps! 💕  Good luck!! 💕 💕  

[outoforderaro]

10, 19, 20 and backatcha about dice!

thank you!!

10. What’s your favorite moment from any campaign you’ve played in?

in a trial, i managed to bluff that i didnt know what paladins were. idk if thats a fav but it’s a funny one i just thought of and havent mentioned

19. Do you have any advice for new players?

ok so this and the next are just random tidbits and def not exhaustive or most important

Try to just learn the core mechanic of the game (roll a d20, add some stuff, hope it’s high enough) and try not to overcomplicate stuff for yourself just yet. 

dont be afraid to ask questions! 

define a character with a few good descriptors and a goal. giving your backstory hooks is great check out “knife theory” about how giving your dm knives they can use on you is a good thing bc it means you have things you care about that you can rp on. 

find a good group whether thats friends or strangers, and remember that ‘no game’ is better than ‘bad game’. if it’s not fun or its draining or people are shitty, youre better off leaving (if talking to them doesnt change things) even if that means you dont have a game. 

this is a bit of a “dont be a jerk” rule, but go in the direction of the plot. ive seen someone (who was just being a real dick) go “i stay in my forest” to flashing neon signs (plus meta knowledge) that “hey the plot and party are this way asshole” and dont do that. also dont “i go the other way im gonna go to [other town] instead”

have fun and do what youre comfortable with. love silly voices? do it. hate talking in 1st person? dont. dont sweat it too much. even if you dont match the other players thats cool and happens. one person might be “im gonna go up and say ‘hail and well met!’” and another like “my character leans in close to the guard and threatens him harm if he doesnt give us the key” and those are both good and can exist side by side without much notice

20. Do you have any advice for new DMs?

learn to say “yes and” and “no but”. learn to improvise, or better yet, come up with simple npcs with names and a trait that you can drop in whenever the party meets some dude. party talks to some stranger? now you have *shuffles* “Anna Calliseon: sardonic”. 

Dont be nervous, players arent gonna notice or care that you had to come up with things on the spot or that you were expecting them to do something else. so dont overprepare either. try to get what’s going on now, what people are trying to do now, so that when players do something other than what you expected, you can think of how theyd react bc you have their goals, not their itineraries.

throw questions about the world at the players. what does it look like when they cast a spell? what are dwarves like? 

dont railroad: let players go about things how they want. dming kinda looks like that wallace and grommit gif of grommit frantically putting track ahead of his railway cart

throw out any of that old school advice of being adversarial to your players. dont punish them for in or out of game things, or like “earn your fun” type stuff. 

dice:

i love all of my dice and i do have a bunch. i really love these v bright light green dice i have tho just v simple and pleasing

[bardofhopeclasspecting]

Hai again can you do a maid of void please? P.s. there is a canonized way to find out your aspect, moon, and real sign its on MSPaintAdventures. Check it out if you haven’t.

maids are passive players, meaning they are the support team. jane was a healer. aradia, a guide for the dead. they both started off unconcerned with their aspect as an aspect. BUT they were constantly in contact with it without knowing. aradia with the voices of the dead and her love of archaeology. jane being born into wealth as the heiress to crocker corp. maids are then flung head first into their aspect without them willingly doing so. aradia got dead and jane was being told by her friends that betty crocker is evil, then learned once the game started. once they see their aspect, feel its wrath, they form so many strong opinions about said aspect. they become a powerful aid to the team through their newly discovered strong will. 

“Those bound to the aspect of Void are the universe's secret-keepers. The unknown doesn't scare them-where others might see emptiness, they see potential. A blank page, an empty canvas, that's what the Void-bound live for. They value mystery and the unexplained, and are not particularly bothered by not having all the answers. Where others might be compelled to go out and seek answers, the Void-bound lean more toward casting doubt on what is already considered fully understood. They don't take much on faith and would rather live in a state of confusion than believe something that might be untrue or bow to intellectual authority. After all, in order for something new to be built, the old, rotting foundation must often be razed. At their best, Void-bound are wise, intuitive, and vibrant. At their worst they can be dismissive, indecisive, and apathetic.”

a maid of void would start off being the person everyone goes to when they got a secret that dont need to get out, but they cant help but tell One person. they go to the maid because they know the maid aint saying shit to nobody. they dont really Care about it enough to bother telling anyone else. theyd be almost apathetic. they didnt ask about a secret cause they didnt care enough To ask. one of the secrets they were told could be let out. not by the maid, god no. 

someone else was told or overheard a secret, and they either tell EVERYONE about it or attempt to use it as blackmail. if blabbermouth, the maid is the first to be told because “you can keep a secret, right?” says the chatty kathy. maid “yeah why not.” and out comes the secret they been told before in a “i heard from a friend of a friend that” type way. this secret can make or break someone, so they go into mama bear mode. sink theyre claws into this guy and tells them not to breathe a word. that was spoken in confidence. they thought they were in private, but sneaky ass ninja dicknut was crawling in the rafters and listening to their every word. gossip hound is scared shitless and agrees to keep their mouth shut. the maid gives the other a death stare every time they even Think the secrets gonna be let out. 

if blackmail, the person with the secret comes to the maid and cries of the blackmail. guess whos going on a fuckin hunt to find the blackmailer. the witch. bitch boutta tear shit UP. they lay into the blackmailer til that guy shits their pants in fear. they go mama bear. 

after that big character building point, the maids working on the quest for their land. the quest is, the most prized possession of the consorts needs the ultimate hiding spot. some place where it will forever be safe and impossible to find. kept safe like a secret. the maid is now trying to figure out a great place to hide it. they get so invested in this artifact because they learn the history of it, the meaning, what it represents, what its worth. they lose all sense of apathy towards it and see it as the treasure it is. they see its true worth in every aspect. thats how they achieve their goal. they learn to see how much trust and respect others have for them and give the same trust and respect to the other. not just some passive bullshit, but actual understanding. 

[transfemininomenon]

thanks for posting the stuff you've been writing tonight. im ftm and haven't started t yet or anything. i hate being trans and hate myself and my messed up brain is usually resistant to any kind of "it will be okay" positivity but what you said spoke to me and it just feels.. real. like i just feel like i can trust you that ill get better at this. i still feel hopeless but you make me want to try to not be. anyway i love you congrats on starting hrt queen

honestly its hard. its really really hard. basically like my whole life ive hated myself, ive hated what i was, and so much of my life was marked by SO much confusion and doubt and hate and i didnt think i could ever really be happy with myself. like, ive been IDing as a trans woman for two and a half years, and for two whole years outside of tumblr i was totally in the closet there because i was just SO afraid of telling anyone, and i doubted myself constantly on whether the things i was feeling was real or not

but then suddenly the last half a year has just been…. so much Better. i started seeing a therapist who has been amazing and seeing her has been such a positive experience with me learning so many healthy coping mechanisms and ways of dealing with my dysphoria on top of my depression/anxiety and who was SO incredible with helping me get transition resources sorted out, ive Finally started hrt, and above all i finally came out to my friends and theyve been nothing short of amazing

i know i talk about my friends and how great theyve been a lot but theyve really been SUCH a huge part in me getting to the point im at. i was terrified for years of ever telling any of them, thinking they’d leave me or best case scenario have things be weird or have our friendships change, but they ended up being SO incredible. i remember when i told the first two of my friends about it and how they both immediately went and changed my name in their phones to alice, how they took the time to ask me about pronouns/name/words i was comfortable with, how the next day they took me out to dinner to hang out and to just let me talk about everything and show that they supported me. and how when i told another friend how amazing and supportive he was, and how when i went and told the rest of my friend group the one friend i was sort of worried about just immediately smiled and was like “hey congratulations on being able to tell us” 

and i just think about how my friend whose house we hang out at’s family knows, and how when they were told his mom and grandma both hugged me and told me how proud they were of me, and how his mom told me that their house was always a place i could stay if i needed that, and how she later signed a card with “your other mom”. and i just think about how the week after i told my friends they threw me a surprise party to celebrate me coming out, how all week they’d been planning it, how they’d tricked me into talking about different snacks and stuff id liked, how they got me cards and a big amazon gift card for me to order clothes with. and especially how they just explained that theyd talked about it and that it sucked that usually Best Case Scenario when someone comes out was just people not being awful, and how they wanted to do More than that and that they wanted to show how much they loved and supported me and that they’d be there through anything

and my real point there is that i spend over two years worrying and doubting myself and being nowhere Near close to wanting to come out, and now im surrounded by so many incredible people whove given me unimaginable support, who make me feel so loved, who have been Incredible with everything. and how months into everything its all gotten so easy, so casual, for me to just be alice and to be a girl around them, and how while before i was worried our friendships wouldnt last or would change how the only change that happened was i feel closer to them and more loved than i ever couldve thought

things are scary and Painful and i know “things will get better” comments can be really hard to believe but genuinely i never thought i could be as happy as i am now. and the same will happen to you. youre gonna find so many people who love you, who support you, who are incredible and wonderful. things might not be perfect, but youre gonna learn that your identity can be wonderful, and loving, and above all, healing

my life isnt perfect, not by a long shot, and there’s plenty of things i still struggle with. theres incidents like today where ive got people telling me im not Really Trans, the majority of the world still hates my existence, most people dont know im a woman. those things dont really go away, but for me at least ive learned to just… let them go. my friends are there. my friends who i love more than anything and who love me back. the people i love and the people i choose to spend my time with know me as Alice, love me as Alice, and ive learned that god that is more than enough. who cares what the world might think? the people i want to be with are on my side, and thats all i really need

youre gonna find people like that too, and i promise you everything else will get easier too. since coming out to my friends i have so much more confidence in myself and my womanhood, and im now on hrt, which is a point i thought i would Never really be at. and i know that in time you’ll get there too - you’ll be surrounded by people who love you, you’ll be confident in your identity, and youll learn to love yourself. it wont always be easy and i know “it gets better” doesnt fix any of the Now pain, but god it will all be worth it in the end. i promise. keep your chin up, keep going, and in time you’ll suddenly look around at all the love around you and wonder how everything couldve ever felt so scary 

[holloweycs]

hi, hello, huzzah ! it’s nora, back on my bullshit, installment 3. i promise this is the last of my children by now, and we’ve saved ourselves an eerie conclusion. proceed with caution, this is JACK WILLIAM FRANCIS, and he’s fucked up enough to be straight out of the addams family. this boy loves classical literature and the freudian death drive. here’s a humble pinterest board attempting to explain him.

J A C K   W I L L I A M    F R A N C I S.

( bill skarsgard | he / him | cismale ) hey, you hear iron by woodkid playing over on the 3rd floor? that’s where jack william francis lives! i heard they moved in from oxford, england exactly four months ago. they’re very charming but also pretty cataclysmic. maybe that’s why davie keeps calling them the chessmaster. starlit is full of people, but this 24 year old is really going to liven things up around here! 

WALKING GOD COMPLEX WITH HOLLOW EYES AND CHEEKBONES SHARP ENOUGH TO CUT GLASS.

a god among men. dead-eyed sociopathic devil incarnate dream boy. 

the rage of a thousand suns carefully hidden behind a facade calmer than a silent sea. he’s volcanic. when dormant, he’s no trouble at all -- perhaps a little cutting or rude, but unthreatening. when his emotions get the better of him, however, he becames a raging beast of anger. he’ll chew you up and spit you out.  like hades in hercules.

his zodiac sign is scorpio. his tarrot cards are the magician and the hanged man.

jack is a slave to instinct, almost animal, but charming when he wants to be. 

in love with the moon and the call of the void, the woods became his saviour.

incredibly well-read. spends a good deal of his free time digesting paperbacks. his room is mostly bookshelves and anthologies. a lover of shelley, keats, byron, shakespeare’s sonnets and a library of nabokov. he’s always composed, cocksure, as if his opinion is the only valid one. in his head, it is.

tw drugs high-key a coke-head. he got into coke because he has a high-paid job, and little to do with his money, considering his parents funded his college education and provided him with a trust fund. he starts to get drug withdrawal if he goes more than a few days without having a bump. he’s also partial to ecstasy.

before jack came to vegas, he was a dentist. he secretly loves the biters. when he takes people’s teeth out he often keeps them. especially the ones with fillings or impurities.

tw death / this is where it gets fucked up :)

before coming to vegas, jack fell in love with a woman because she had the most incredible teeth he’d ever seen. these teeth were so beautiful that he couldn’t rid himself of the feeling that he had to have them. one night he broke into her home, sedated the sleeping woman, and began to extract of her teeth so he could keep them. her elderly mother, a night owl, heard movement in her daughters room, and finding a young man removing her daughter’s teeth, screamed the house down. in an effort to keep her quiet jack tried to sedate her, however the mother grasped his forceps as a weapon, the two began a scuffle, and during the process the woman hit her head on the dresser and began to bleed profusely. in blind panic, he grabbed the teeth and made a run for it, leaving both the sedated woman and her bleeding mother. the woman woke up to find she was toothless, and her mother was dead on the floor.

he’s been on the run for several months now, travelling place to place with his life (and teeth) in a suitcase. as a reason for his travels, he always states that he’s a writer, and he’s travelling for the purposes of research for his novel. 

background ;

jack grew up in oxford, in a middle-class family, surrounded by the classical architecture of the university buildings. this first provoked in jack a love of ancient civilisation, art and sculpture. he sees himself as someone very well-bred.

second-born son. hector was the perfect son, charming, athletic, intelligent, attractive, head boy and twice winner of the foyle young poets award, and jack was merely the other one. growing up, he felt he was constantly living in hector’s shadow, and grew to be a bitter and resentful boy. one day, during a particularly heated row, jack threw drain cleaner in his brother’s face, leaving him with acid burn and scarring, which led to him being disowned by his family, but jack hardly cared -- he was just smitten with the fact that he was now the most attractive sibling. a few years later, they forgave him, and paid his way through college.

he first developed an affliction for fire when he started smoking. for his eleventh birthday his dad gave him a lighter with the ace of spades on and a packet of cigs. since getting that lighter, he’s been something of a pyromaniac. he liked -- more than smoking itself -- to fiddle with his lighter, swipe his fingers through the flame, tempt god. he’s something of a pyromaniac, and was convicted of several arson offences in his teenage years.

he had a criminal record before he was 15 and spent some time in juvie, so he’s already got a mugshot for when they inevitably bang him in the slammer again. hated school and formalised education but ? loved learning? despite the fact that he was an absolute entitled bastard at school, he was actually intelligent and always completed his work, and so his teachers couldn’t find a reason to suspend him. he read so much socrates and freud and he’s literally obsessed with dickens and shakespeare. will quote monologues at you with no shame. 

growing up, he was always very image-conscious, always concerned with fashion and his appearance. this is one of the factors that led him into dentistry. he wanted to study medicine at oxford university and train as a surgeon, but lacked the grades, and so went to exeter and studied dentistry.

there’s definitely a discrepancy in the way he behaved as a child and the way he holds himself now. growing up, he didn’t know how to channel his feelings, and now he can basically shut them off. whereas growing up he was often ruled by his anger, now he comes across as incredibly stoic and collected, while he bubbles away beneath. when this becomes too much to hold in, jack becomes explosive. he’s a very hot-and-cold person, he’s either callous and indifferent or fiercely defensive and ruled by his emotions.

some trivia ;

positive traits: self assured, ambitious, well-bred, charming, devoted, silver-tongued.

negative traits: manipulative, selfish, plays the martyr, primadona, egotistical, callous.

big fan of documentaries and 1920s film. 

an excellent painter and exceptional cellist. 

a lover of art, money, and beautiful, fragile things. 

turned on by danger with an appetite for destruction. 

would sell you to satan for one corn chip

wanted plots

enemies. 

people who straight up think he’s a weird guy and won’t deal with him. 

someone who he can really manipulate? because he’d use that to his advantage. 

former flings ; he doesn’t really do relationships, but is very impulsive, so ends up having multiple one night stands and flings. this could either evolve into friendship, ignoring each other, or straight up hatred depending on how ur character would react to jack’s unwillingness to become attached to anything. 

patients?? honestly that would be funny. just people who’s teeth he checks like hi ronald how are your molars doing. 

friends but theyd have to be pretty weird to want jack as a friend or maybe he even has a lad! group who knows.

[actualbird]

a dumb weird old au i made that i’ll probably never write: the one where michael and jeremy are witches, roommates, best friends, and magic betrays Everybody’s Big Dumb Love Feelings

so in a world where magic is pretty common (because my middle name is “magic au”), using magic is as common as riding a bike. you can be really good at it or really bad at it or just choose not to use it at all.

theres this concept of a Familiar. it’s a magical animal you can make that’s a physical manifestation of your magic + a part of your soul. familiars help regulate and control a user’s magic. it’s really common for kids to make familiars when theyre learning magic, but less and less so the older you get, because it’s basically a glaring neon sign that’s interpreted as “haha you cant control your magic.” it’s Embarrassing to have one when youre older. usually familiars fade once the user doesnt need them anymore/users can purposely get rid of them using a spell (but. the spell sucks. purposely shoving a piece of your soul back where it doesnt feel it’s ready to be is Not Nice. best to let it happen naturally yknow)

so jeremy and michael!! as kids, jeremy and michael loved playing around with magic. they’d bring shitty origami animals to life for an hour or so. cool little light shows zipping from their fingers when theyd sleepover at each other’s house. dumb pranks and the such. jeremy found magic fun, but he never really thought of like pursuing it. he wasnt a natural at calling for the magic. he always needed to strain himself to make things happen. but michael? michael could call on magic like it was nothing.

which. was a bit of a problem. because he has trouble focusing and things get out of hand really really quickly and magic was easy for michael but he couldnt control it at all. origami animals catching fire or light turning to lightning. michael’s brain goes too fast and magic goes even faster so their childhood is a mess of broken window panes and murmurs of dangerous kid until

one day it all just stops. not the magic, but the lack of control. 

and jeremy can put the pieces together. he figures pretty easily that michael made a familiar and he’s happy for him!! but familiars are super personal (it’s a part of your SOUL) so he wont bring it up unless michael brings it up. but he never does. so jeremy never pushes.sure, okay, for those first few weeks he looks around. it’s inadvisable for a familiar to be too far away from their user because of the whole soul thing. so he’d wonder if that squirrel that scurried past was michael’s familiar. or maybe that pigeon hanging by the wire. or maybe it was something small like a beetle that lived in michael’s pocket. but michael never brings it up. so jeremy never pushes. time passes and michael’s magic gets even better and jeremy figures the familiar faded away. 

FAST FORWARD to where theyre coooooool in college. they are ROOMMATES and BEST FRIENDS and WITCHES but only michael really uses magic. jeremy uses magic sometimes to like, get rid of a headache (and maybe accidentally give himself a worse one, oh jer). michael does like. potions and sigils on the side for cash because he’s!! good!!!

but then michael has to go to this Thing (and i never figured out what exactly, theres a reason this au isnt gonna get written hsfdjf) but it’s a thing with super conservative witches and sorcerers and mages and michael is nervous because he has to make a good impression and jeremy is like YOU’VE!! GOT THIS!!! YOU’RE A SKILLED WITCH!!!! and jeremy just assumes all the worry michael is feeling is just cuz he’s intimidated but then the day before michael leaves he like. sits jeremy down and says

“I have a secret to tell you. and a favor to ask you.”

jeremy, internally: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHAT IS HAPPENING

so michael is there not making eye contact with jeremy and he’s so worried and he opens lifts the hand he had covering his other and. hops out the tiniest little sparrow looking at jeremy like he’s the World

“I need you to look after my familiar.”

“Wh----”

and michael is rushing to say so many things like. “i’m sorry i never told you and i’m sorry this is so sudden but i cant bring her with me because if somebody finds out i’d be done for and she never faded away okay but it’s SO EMBARASSING TO HAVE ONE WHEN YOURE PAST TWELVE BUT i cant stomach the thought of erasing her she helps so much with my magic and my anxiety AND AND---”

and jeremy has to like. calm michael down because he’d never think less of michael over some dumb familiar stigma. he’s still an incredibly skilled witch who also just so happens to have a part of his soul split into this tiny feathery fluff hopping around their kitchen counter while staring at jeremy the entire time. 

so. thats where the actual planned fic wouldve began: wherein jeremy takes care of michael’s familiar. (in my notes, her name is boni. like. bonifacio. shut up, theres a reason this au is dead). and jeremy is SO ON EDGE the entire time because boni is michael’s SOUL!! he was initially hesitant because he’s heard about familiar separation and its negative effects but jeremy isnt very good at saying no to michael so.

so jeremy takes care of boni. and is puzzled the entire time because boni seems to do the opposite of what he’s reading familiars are supposed to act like? familiars are super super personal (SOUL!!! HIS SOUL!!!!!) and thus it would only trust its user and it would HATE other people. but boni is ridiculously cuddly. she’d fly up to jer’s hand for pets. she’d sit on his head and try to preen his hair. she chirps happilly whenever jeremy wakes up. and jeremy is ?????

he’d call michael and ask if he was doing okay or if he was feeling sick but michael would respond really brightly like “Nah, dude. I actually feel great? Like confident and safe and warm? S’weird.”

[insert biggest eyes emoji in the world]

at one point michael gets super super nervous and in their apartment, boni starts to go haywire. and theyd call and jeremy would talk michael through it while petting boni and he’d slowly start to realize how //connected// michael and boni are and he’d wonder. about the implications of boni’s behavior concerning michael’s feelings towards jeremy. (because jeremy totally has feelings back. OBVIOUSLY!!)

so yeah thats this au where a magic bird is not only michael’s soul but a physical manifestation of Michael’s Big Pining Feelings. the end

[luxuryt-shirt]

Pickleball Id hit that vintage retro shirt

States does not abide by Pickleball Id hit that vintage retro shirt . security agreement signed with iraq and violates its sovereignty taking advantage of the. Difficult circumstances of iraq and the resignation of the iraqi government they still have to answer for we havent forgotten. Thank you mr president for making a necessary decision to help americans stay safe immediate and long term safety matters. Thank you mr president for your determined and resolute stance see the mullahs in iran. Are not used to a potus standing for americas interests and the safety of the americans theyd. Pickleball Id hit that vintage retro shirt, hoodie, sweater, longsleeve and ladies t-shirt

Classic Ladies

Hoodie

Sweatshirt

Unisex Better not test us at this point or else they may have no more nation Pickleball Id hit that vintage retro shirt . Left americafirst japan learned after hiroshima and nagasaki now its time for iran to learn that we. Are most powerful country and a force to be reckoned with expand the persian gulf us. Imperialism will finish soon our faith in resistance to the freedom of all peoples is. Stronger than your armed forces no one likes war but our president is protecting the americans over there thank. You for keeping them and standing by them and not abandoning them god bless america. Heavenly father help guide our president should have been done when jimmy carter was presidentits either them or usno. One wants war but bible has to be fullfilled i am proud of our presidenthasnt been. A president like him for years who care about americansi am also proud of our military this is. A group of people who joined the forces knowing what they might face may god bless and keep them. Safe on their missions indeed mr trump if one of these goals was presidential palace. Of bashar alassad he is also terrorist leader of iran thank you in advance maga so. Is this what it feels like to have a president who loves this country because damn. It feels good you sir have made your people so very proud getting obamas friends that he feed with our. Money should come back to bite him real bad you have to do all of this wout. You Can See More Product: https://luxuryt-shirt.com/product-category/trending/ Read the full article

[tshirttrend]

Pickleball Id hit that vintage retro shirt

States does not abide by Pickleball Id hit that vintage retro shirt . security agreement signed with iraq and violates its sovereignty taking advantage of the. Difficult circumstances of iraq and the resignation of the iraqi government they still have to answer for we havent forgotten. Thank you mr president for making a necessary decision to help americans stay safe immediate and long term safety matters. Thank you mr president for your determined and resolute stance see the mullahs in iran. Are not used to a potus standing for americas interests and the safety of the americans theyd. Pickleball Id hit that vintage retro shirt, hoodie, sweater, longsleeve and ladies t-shirt

Classic Ladies

Hoodie

Sweatshirt

Unisex Better not test us at this point or else they may have no more nation Pickleball Id hit that vintage retro shirt . Left americafirst japan learned after hiroshima and nagasaki now its time for iran to learn that we. Are most powerful country and a force to be reckoned with expand the persian gulf us. Imperialism will finish soon our faith in resistance to the freedom of all peoples is. Stronger than your armed forces no one likes war but our president is protecting the americans over there thank. You for keeping them and standing by them and not abandoning them god bless america. Heavenly father help guide our president should have been done when jimmy carter was presidentits either them or usno. One wants war but bible has to be fullfilled i am proud of our presidenthasnt been. A president like him for years who care about americansi am also proud of our military this is. A group of people who joined the forces knowing what they might face may god bless and keep them. Safe on their missions indeed mr trump if one of these goals was presidential palace. Of bashar alassad he is also terrorist leader of iran thank you in advance maga so. Is this what it feels like to have a president who loves this country because damn. It feels good you sir have made your people so very proud getting obamas friends that he feed with our. Money should come back to bite him real bad you have to do all of this wout. You Can See More Product: https://luxuryt-shirt.com/product-category/trending/ Read the full article

[newshirtonlines-blog]

Pickleball Id hit that vintage retro shirt

States does not abide by Pickleball Id hit that vintage retro shirt . security agreement signed with iraq and violates its sovereignty taking advantage of the. Difficult circumstances of iraq and the resignation of the iraqi government they still have to answer for we havent forgotten. Thank you mr president for making a necessary decision to help americans stay safe immediate and long term safety matters. Thank you mr president for your determined and resolute stance see the mullahs in iran. Are not used to a potus standing for americas interests and the safety of the americans theyd. Pickleball Id hit that vintage retro shirt, hoodie, sweater, longsleeve and ladies t-shirt

Classic Ladies

Hoodie

Sweatshirt

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[adorkablephil]

Fic: Listen (Chapter 5)

Title: Listen Rating: PG Word Count: 2.5K (this chapter) Summary: Phil is a successful YouTuber, and Dan is a fan desperate for attention. Sounds like 2009, right? Except Phil is Deaf. Tags: AU, Deaf!Phil, Mute!Dan, Both YouTubers, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Conversion Disorder Fic also available on AO3 here

[Masterlist of all “Listen” chapters on Tumblr]

Chapter 5: First

Dan evaporated like mist, as if he’d never existed. One moment, Phil felt a constant frisson of awareness of that delicious warmth along his side, only inches away, and then suddenly … nothing.

Well, not nothing: a couple of very enthusiastic teenage girls, obviously subscribers, mouths moving excitedly, probably not really thinking about the fact that he couldn’t hear a word they were saying, though his lip reading had improved a lot since he'd first left the Deaf school. But then the girls were miming requests to take selfies with him, and Phil happily obliged, as always. But his mind was elsewhere. Where had Dan gone? Phil hugged the girls goodbye, trying to smile warmly as he waved at them, attempting to shoo them off without being rude. They clutched their phones, giggling, as he turned away to look frantically up and down the street.

His phone vibrated in his pocket.

Dan: i’m in the apple store. come get me when theyre gone

The girls were still watching him with obvious fascination, so Phil strolled away from them and ducked into a nearby bookstore.

Phil: I’m in the WHSmith. I’ll wait until I’m sure they’re gone. Don’t you ever get fans stopping you in the street?

Dan: no

Phil: How is that possible? You have more subscribers than I do!

Dan: i don’t go out much & i keep my head down. maybe i dont have many subscribers in wokingham

Phil: I know you don’t go to the conventions, but surely you’ve met some of your fans sometime?

Dan: no

Dan: i mean then theyd know i can’t talk

Phil stood staring at his phone, not knowing what to say in response to that. He went to the front of the store and cautiously peered out. No sign of the excited girls. The Apple Store was about a block away, so he started walking in that direction.

Dan had never met a subscriber? At least all Phil’s viewers knew he was Deaf, and so he could be himself if he met them on the street and they wouldn’t be surprised. He had nothing to hide. But Dan let everyone believe that the “silent movie” theme was just his signature video style. He interacted with his audience enthusiastically on social media, but … he never interacted with anyone in person. He’d never even done any collabs with other YouTubers, as far as Phil knew.

Phil suddenly wondered if he was the only one Dan had told. He’d never thought about it, but now that he did, it seemed obvious.

He’d seen Dan interact frequently not only with fans but also with various other YouTubers on social media over the past couple years, and he seemed very friendly with many of them, especially the ones he knew Phil was personal friends with. Dan was always joking and supportive and self-deprecatingly funny with them all. But … Phil was probably the only one he’d trusted with the truth.

In the crowded Apple Store, Phil spotted Dan huddled in a corner with his hoodie pulled up to cover his hair and much of his face. He was staring down at his phone, his shoulders hunched as if braced for a blow. Phil stopped a couple feet away, not wanting to startle him.

Phil: I’m right behind you.

Dan turned immediately, and the pinched look on his face hurt Phil’s heart. His brown eyes were wide and frightened, his mouth tight and drawn. He looked back down at his phone, typing.

Dan: they didn’t see me did they?

Phil shook his head, smiling sadly, and then couldn’t help but take Dan in his arms for the first time. He was so much larger than the girls Phil had hugged only moments ago, but so much dearer and more precious, because this was Dan. His Dan. And he was hiding in an Apple Store because he was afraid.

Dan’s body went completely rigid for a moment, but then he suddenly relaxed into Phil’s hold as if deflating. His head sank down so that his forehead rested on Phil’s shoulder and he wrapped his long arms around Phil’s waist, squeezing as if clinging to a life raft in stormy seas. Phil raised a hand to brush aside the hoodie so he could stroke Dan’s hair slowly, over and over again. And maybe they were making a bit of a spectacle of themselves in the corner of the Apple Store, but Phil didn’t care.

But Dan might.

So Phil pulled away gently and waited for Dan’s head to come up. Phil gestured questioningly toward the door, and Dan nodded. Phil mimed putting his hood up, and Dan did, glancing around nervously. They left the store and walked to the bus stop more quickly than they’d been walking when they first left the Starbucks.

They didn’t talk at the stop, or even on the bus. They just stared at their individual phones, not even texting each other. Dan just followed Phil like a shadow.

When they arrived at the flat, Dan hovered near the front door, clearly nervous, as Phil removed his coat and hung it on the peg in the entryway. Dan’s eyes flitted here and there, trying to take in the whole room at once. He’d seemed skittish ever since the fans in the high street.

“Want a tour?” Phil signed, using his facial expression and inviting gesture to make his meaning clear. Dan nodded, pulling his hoodie sleeves down to mostly cover his hands in a move Phil had seen on Skype a hundred times, but which he found utterly adorable nonetheless.

Phil led him to the lounge and signed, “The lounge,” before identifying the signs for “table,” “sofa,” and “Playstation.” Well, okay, he fingerspelled “Playstation,” mostly just to see Dan smile. Phil pulled out his phone again.

Phil: How did you learn fingerspelling?

Dan pressed his palms together and then pulled them apart as if opening a book, which seemed clear enough. Phil nodded in understanding: Dan had actually gone looking for a book to learn the BSL alphabet. Phil’s heart swelled.

Dan held up a hand, and Phil stopped, watching him. Then Dan repeated the signs for “lounge,” “table,” and “sofa,” before laboriously fingerspelling “Playstation.”

“That’s great!” Phil signed with a broad smile. “Good memory!” He knew Dan would be able to figure out some of the signs just from context and from what they looked like, since BSL was fairly visually intuitive. So he led him through the flat, pointing things out and slowly signing their names, watching fondly when Dan copied him.

When he’d finished the tour, they wound up standing in the kitchen, just glancing around, avoiding each other’s eyes, not sure what to do next.

In the back of his mind, he kept remembering Dan’s intent eyes back at the Starbucks, Dan signing, “I want to kiss you.” Dan signing, “I love you.” But the Dan here with him in his flat in the present moment seemed comparatively distant and uncomfortable, shoulders hunched as tight as they’d been in the Apple Store, hands shoved nervously in his jeans pockets. He looked young and uncertain and self-conscious.

Resorting to the manners his mum had taught him, Phil picked up the kettle and signed, “Tea?” Then he held up the can of instant coffee and signed, “Or coffee?”

Dan’s shoulders lowered an inch or so and he nodded, clearly relieved. “Coffee,” he signed. Phil wondered if the caffeine might just make them both more jittery and nervous, but at least it would give them something to do. And the only other thing he could think about doing was basically leaping on Dan and claiming some of those promised kisses … and Dan didn’t look remotely ready for that right now.

They ended up playing several games of Mario Kart and Crash Bandicoot, letting their coffees go cold on the side table as they sat side-by-side on Phil’s sofa. Dan was a Mario Kart master, utterly destroying Phil every race and pretending no false modesty as he performed a shameless victory dance after every win. Phil pretended to pout about it, but really he was just happy to see Dan laughing and bouncing up and down. He was also pleased that Dan seemed to finally be making himself at home, running through the game menus himself instead of deferring to Phil like some kind of polite guest.

They slouched down on the sofa when they’d decided they’d had enough gaming, both relaxed and smiling. Neither of them said anything for a long moment, and Phil just savored the presence of Dan in his flat. Finally. After all this time! Dan was actually here!

He turned his head to look at this boy, this young man he’d been longing for, dreaming of, for so long. Years of long-distance courting through DMs and texts and Skype calls. And somehow, for some reason, Dan had finally decided to fully trust him, had bought a ticket and gotten on a train and ridden for hours, had braved the wild subscribers of Manchester’s high street … all for Phil. He could feel his heart beating, feel his own pulse in his fingertips and in his throat and on his tongue and … Dan turned to meet his gaze. Phil held his breath. Then Dan’s eyes dropped to Phil’s lips, then back up to meet Phil’s eyes. Phil licked his lips, not trying to be seductive but just not wanting to have dry lips for their first kiss … because that’s what was about to happen, right? He could see the reciprocated longing on Dan’s face, the slight parting of his lips, the intensity in his gaze.

And then Dan looked away, running a hand through his fringe, trying to straighten it, then fluff it, all movements Phil had seen him make on Skype, but in this case Dan had no image of himself to look at, so it was obviously just nervous habit.

Phil wondered if Dan wanted him to take the lead. Maybe Dan was too nervous to initiate a kiss? But that didn’t feel right. It felt like if this was going to happen—and Phil was pretty darn certain it would happen eventually, even if it wasn’t today, even if it wasn’t this weekend at all—it needed to happen on Dan’s schedule. When Dan was ready.

When their lips first met, Dan would be the one to close that last tiny distance between them.

Dan stood up and prowled restlessly around the lounge, inspecting the movies, games, books, and knick-knacks on the various shelves, occasionally casting a nervous glance at Phil on the sofa. Eventually, he held up a DVD case for the horror film Cube and raised an eyebrow, eyes darting toward the tv then back at Phil. Phil shrugged and nodded, gesturing toward the DVD player in invitation. Dan put the disc in and hovered in front of the tv, using the remote to start the film. The subtitles started automatically with Phil’s default settings. Dan went to turn off the overhead lamp, which surprised Phil, since they’d talked about Dan’s fear of the dark. They’d also talked about his ironic preference for full immersion when he watched horror films, though, so maybe it shouldn’t have been surprising.

It definitely made the room feel more intimate, though.

And when Dan returned to the sofa, he sat a little closer to Phil this time.

In fact, their arms were touching slightly. Phil found himself painfully aware of the gooseflesh rising everywhere Dan’s skin innocently brushed his. He stared fixedly at the television screen, though he paid no attention to what he was actually watching. He’d seen the film before, of course, but right now his brain was a blank, all his senses attuned to the warm body so close beside him, so near after they’d been so far apart for so long. His hands begged to reach for Dan, but Phil twined his fingers together in his lap to control himself.

When he felt Dan’s eyes on him again, he turned his head. The flickering light from the telly made it difficult to read Dan’s expression, but the body language couldn’t have been clearer as Dan leaned slightly closer, then hesitated again. Wanting to help alleviate some of the built-up tension and awkwardness, Phil smiled softly and signed again, for the first time since the Starbucks, “I love you, Dan.” He wasn’t sure how well Dan would be able to see his hands in the dim lighting, but the change in Dan’s facial expression said it had been enough.

A moment later, Phil’s eyes closed as a soft mouth touched his, the barest brush at first, just a hint of contact, uncertain, questioning. Phil kept his lips pliant, parting them very slightly beneath Dan’s to show his interest without pressing for anything more. A warm hand reached up to cradle the side of his face, and Phil could feel a slight tremble in Dan’s fingers as he scooted closer to Phil on the sofa and leaned more fully into the kiss. Phil tilted his head slightly to improve the angle, and this aligned their mouths perfectly, Dan’s hand sliding up into Phil’s hair and a timid tongue darting quickly across the sensitive skin of his bottom lip.

Then Dan slid away again, and the brief kiss was over. Dan’s eyes watched him nervously from the distance he’d put between them until he eventually signed anxiously, “Was that okay?”

Phil closed his eyes again for a moment, just savoring the memory of that gentle intimacy, and then opened his eyes to gaze fondly at Dan as he signed, “The best.” In case Dan didn’t understand the sign, Phil raised a hand to press two fingers softly to his own lips and smiled, letting his eyes close again.

When he opened them, Dan was smiling too, glancing down shyly and then back up at Phil through his lashes. He licked his lips, probably unconsciously, and copied Phil’s sign. “The best,” Dan signed, and Phil knew a bewitching blush probably suffused that beautiful face undetected in the darkened lounge.

The film continued to play, ignored, a few feet away, but Phil just admired how its light emphasized the shadow of dimple in Dan’s cheek as they gazed at each other with a sort of blissful, tender joy he’d never experienced before in his entire life.

“I love you,” Dan signed quickly, and then he scooted close to cuddle against Phil’s side, nestling his head onto Phil’s shoulder so that his hair tickled Phil’s cheek, and they pretended to turn their attention back to watching the film, actually just breathing together and feeling closer than any two people had ever been.

Author’s Note: Feed your local fanfic author! Likes, comments, reblogs, reblogs with lovely tags ... go ahead, make my day!

[Continue to Chapter 6]

[cerealmonster15]

ddadds kids....

i like thinking about them as one big extended cul-de-sac family... [headcanons and stuff!]

imagine all the families spending the holidays together! i’m sure some celebrate things that the rest dont but theyd probs have one big generic get together during The Holiday Season

all of the kids are crammed together on one big “kid’s table” even tho like half of them are teenagers and there are more offspring than parents

someone always ends up starting a food fight,, usually ernest and lucien, or the twins [either pair. both pairs?? christie and christian vs hazel and briar??]

this was referenced in game once so amanda probs ends up babysitting a lot when she’s home from college for breaks+ during that short time shes still around before she leaves! she’d be  a cool fun babysitter, but tough enough to keep some of the more rambunctious kids in check ;p

[ernest voice] dad i dont NEED a babysitter!!! [hugo voice] son i want to know that i can be away for the weekend and come home to a house that isn’t on fire

ernest is probs really snarky to amanda when she babysits like “youre not the boss of me” and going out of his way to cause trouble, but amanda is Cool and probs gives him a run for his money with snark and idk shenanigans ensue and he probs secretly admires her and thinks she’s awesome but would rather die than let anyone ever find out

lucien looks like he might be fairly close to amanda’s age? they probs dont have all that much in common, but damien’s date revealed that lucien listens to mcr, and amanda made her dad listen to black parade, so I bet they could bond over some music tastes here and there

LET LUCIEN GIVE AMANDA A COOL GOTH MAKEOVER

amanda: pleeeeeaaaaassseeeeeee ;D??? lucien: no way. the goth lifestyle isnt for posers i think with enough pestering she’d get him to cave. he’d take great time and care while painting her nails to make sure he does it Right

amanda probs comments on how careful and skilled he does it like “wow you really take this stuff seriously” “uh obviously??”

once he finishes, amanda takes a pic, and then all the other neighbors see her and are bothering lucien to make them look cool too. he pretends to hate it but actually has a lot of fun and is secretly really happy that they think he’s good at what he does

amanda convinces lucien to do like, cool goth makeup videos and put them on youtube/instagram. she helps him with filming and doing photography of final looks and together they get a lot of followers. sometimes she’ll guest star in his videos if he needs a face model other than his own

amanda’s kinda freaked out by christie and christian at first but over time gets used to and sees past their “creepy twin shtick” and, much like her dad [in the joseph brownie date] learns to use it to mess with them and possibly other people

at first chris probably doesnt talk to amanda a lot and keeps to himself when she’s over, but maybe over time she’d adapt to him and learn a few things hes interested in and express gentle interest in those things to kind of help him open up to her more

chris gets quietly attached to her like shes an older sister

everyone in the cul de sac does. they love amanda

AND EACH OTHER

i want daisy to be involved with the carmensita and amanda girl band thing mentioned briefly during one of mat’s dates. that’d be adorable

you know what else would be adorable? allllll the cul de sac kids coming to briar and hazel’s softball games to support them. 

the kids going to each others’ anything to support them!! when theyre in clubs and activities that put on shows or performances or other sports games, as many of the neighbors that can make it are there

when they get older, they try to be more and more obnoxious to embarrass their neighbors in front of everyone, like making huge support signs and banners with glitter with a stupid yet supportive pun that one of their dads helped come up with, or printing their neighbor’s face on a tshirt or a giant cutout on a popsicle stick, shouting as loud as possible 

they def went to amanda’s actual graduation and PROBABLY ALL CRIED

a lot of this has amanda centric bc i Love Her, but also,,

maybe hugo and craig start going to wrestling matches together [+dadsona] so ernest sees a lot of the cahn kids. if amanda’s in town, she’s with them and in charge. if not, ernest is technically in charge, but secretly [not so secretly probably] the dads are counting on briar and hazel [briar, mostly] to keep things from falling to disaster for the few hours theyre out

they all like to take turns riding on the Giant Dog that ernest got in damien’s route [duchess something i think?] [a good component that should be canon in all universes]

“lets put river on him” “no she’ll fall off” “wheres the duct tape” “n o”

if enough disaster happens leaving these kids alone together, they probably get dropped off at another dad’s house to be looked after for a while. joseph volunteers to look after them but since he and mary are already looking after 4 and KEEP LOSING CRISH, they tend to try and ask literally anyone else

[not that theyre bad parents lmao but it’d be easier for all the other parents that just have One Kid]

i bet christian and christie love robert’s wild spooky stories. he probably makes up so much bullshit to fuck with any kid that’s listening

they’d carpool if they could fit enough kids in one car. it’s probably a 2-3 car carpool depending on who’s driving what size car and who needs to go where at what time

there are probably so many inside jokes[CUL DE SAC MEMES......] that are born at every cul de sac gathering. 

when amanda’s home from college, all the kids wanna be the first to tell her all about the SHENANIGANS she’s missed out on

river and crish are bffs once theyre old enough for human interaction. they Have To Be.

pranking each other in the school hallways plz, or just all around chaos. god help the teachers that somehow end up with 2+ of the cul de sac kids in the same class

ernest definitely sends his dog to poop on damien’s lawn outside lucien’s bedroom window / probably does the flaming bag of dog poop ding dong ditch when he knows lucien’s home alone and will be the one to answer the door

christie and chris like when briar and hazel pretend to be each other, so they get their hands on a pair of scissors and chris gives christie a terrible haircut. possibly briar and hazel try and help with the scheme and things just get Worse and joseph has to take his daughter to a Professional [or maybe one of the dads is really good with hair/has had their child do the same thing and is good with fixing a bad haircut ;p]

carmensita goes through a goth phase after she goes over to lucien’s to be babysat one day. mat does not know how to Deal bc this isnt the type of music hes used to playing but he loves and supports his daughter regardless and likes to hear her singing all kinds of music to broaden her horizons and strengthen her talent

G R O U P  T E X T between all the kids old enough to have phones

there are lots of memes. lots. of memes.

they take candid shitty photos of each other all the time and send them in the chat, and particularly amusing ones end up reused as reaction photos

lucien: [sends photo of ernest having just spilled cereal on himself with duchess in the background making off with a piece of pizza] ernest: fuck u carmensita: mood daisy: why are you having pizza and cereal for breakfast? ernest: dont tell me how to live my life amanda: lol tag urself i’m duchess

this is just something i like to do w/ my friends but they’d probs also stealthily take pictures  of each other when theyre out and about and send them to each other in secret like amanda’s out with her dad at the grocery store and spots lucien and damien in the dairy isle and is like FUCK,, she hides behind a stand of donuts or w/e and takes a pic of them and sends it to lucien w/ no context or like “lol hey” 

it becomes a war of sending pics of each other to each other/the group without getting caught. lucien and ernest probably act like they think it’s stupid but get so competitive about it

they all keep score and it probably also would extend to taking stealthy pics of cul de sac dads too Just Because

the dads find out about the competition somehow and like,,, secretly are so into who’s winning. especially brian and dadsona. sometimes they’ll try and serve as a distraction for their child to get a sneaky pic so they can win, but usually the kids prefer the solo missions

val comes and visits sometimes with cool stories. sometimes she brings her girlfriend, and amanda especially looks up to them like two cool older sisters [i dont remember if it was jacket pins or photography that val said her gf is into, but whatever it is i’m sure amanda would geek out about it with her]

christie and christian eventually grow out of their “creepy twin” thing but still have a more unique brand of humor/personality. the cul de sac kids are used to them by then, and will THROW DOWN with anyone that bullies them/ calls them freaks or anything like that, or anyone that picks on chis [and eventually crish] by association or for any other reason

THESE KIDS MAY ARGUE AND FIGHT AND STUFF SOMETIMES BUT THEY’LL STICK UP FOR EACH OTHER IF ANYONE OUTSIDE THE CUL DE SAC TRIES TO START SOMETHING W/ ONE OF THEIR OWN

i could go on forever making up headcanons or scenarios for these kids bc i love them and constantly crave more content about them but imma stop here bc it’s been over an hour and this is Long but anyway plz talk to me about these kids + the cul de sac as a whole. share ur headcanons,,,,, i l o v e the m ,,

[ffuuuuuuuck]

september 24, 2019

Today was such a bad day my thoughts kept pulling me in different directions- all of them bad

ended up skipping class today, thought about dropping out of school entirely like a lot

like, i know im capable of it and it’s not even hard, it’s just the looming fear of failing again like i did in my first highschool. I’m falling into the same patterns, it’s getting harder to maintain a positive mentality. it sucks because i was doing so good and then one thing sets me off and im back on my bullshit. 

somehow writing it out makes me feel a little better, makes it feel like the thoughts aren’t all just stuck in my head. 

my family helped today- my mom sang one direction with me in the car because i think she could tell I was on the verge of crying lol. That’s what she used to do with me in middle school and felt bad about the way i looked- it was cheesy and dorky but nice. she also took me to meet my baby cousin for the first time since she’d been born-5 months old and shes fat as fuck but also cute as fuck

i think i might just go back to spending time with my family again- it was easier than having to deal with friends. I love them, but i don’t feel the same with them anymore. it was different when i was into the same shit- smoking weed, doing drugs, doing nothing but walking around all the time. but now i’ve got school and work and actual responsibilities, and none of them seem to get that. Some of them even get mad because i cant spend as much time with them. I understand being upset, but it just makes me feel worse because i already feel worn thin. Plus, we dont really have anything in common anymore other than weed. Even that i’ve been trying to quit, but that’s all they ever wanna do and my lungs are all burnt out. And frankly, i like the feeling of being sober better than being high now. 

I guess that’s the only thing me and Maurice had in common. When we first became friends,  i was so happy to have someone like me. Into musicals, into anime, into all these dorky things my other friends weren’t into. but now its nothing but weed or talking about her ex boyfriend, or our friend bianca. I’m really glad her and bianca get along so well- i knew they would, i would always try getting all of us to hangout so they could get to know eachother more. But now it just feels like im on the outside. Whenever im with them they always just go off in their own space, talk about their own things that i can’t contribute because i wasnt there or not in on their inside jokes. I tried for awhile to just get used to it, because i shouldve been just happy that they were happy. But then they started hanging out without me all the time, and yeah, it makes me a little sad but no biggie it’s not like theyre my only friends. it feels like im not allowed to feel anything, like anything negative that i feel is just a sign that im getting bad again. But it hurts, like a lot. Bianca is always going on about stuff she told maurice, how maurice said that and that her and maurice always do this, and how great maurice is. Maurice is always saying how amazing bianca is and how much she loves her, how’re theyre gonna go do this and that. lately they started inviting me to hangout with them, but at this point it just feels more like pity than anything. Even when we’re all together, it’s like im intruding on their space. It just sucks. Like it’s not like i want to break them apart or anything, or for them to include me more. I don’t really want anything to happen, like im happy they get along. I just feel shitty about it. Even today, i found out something new about Bianca and yeah it was cool learning that about her but she threw in “really you didnt know? Maurice knows” and i dont know why but it stung. Probably because i was already feeling shitty today. 

Maurice had asked me earlier in the day to hangout with them tomorrow- but it was only because it had come up in the conversation because i had told her about something concerning bianca. and honestly, i felt like i couldnt go on pretending anymore to be ok. so i told her that i didnt mean to sound like a dick but i didnt really like hanging out with the two of them together- but i still liked hanging out with them seperately. which, typing this out now i realize i really went the wrong way about this. It’s different when its just me and maurice and me and bianca, its not much different and nice. but when theyre together i just feel really crummy. i wanted to try to tell her that but she just told me “okay whatever i dont even wanna ask why.” and hasnt talked to me since. my mom said if they cared theyd understand, but im not sure i even went about it the right way, if there is a right way to tell your friends that. I told her what happened and she said that bianca would talk to me about it because my mom said that she definitely cares. 

But when i told bianca about it, about maurice being upset with me and what i had said, all she said was how did they exclude me. That we played cards together that one time. That we had gone to go get hair dye that one time. I explained to her that yeah, when we went to go get hair dye it felt better because i was actually apart of their conversation. but the other times i just didnt feel like i belonged there with them. She wasnt upset about it like maurice was, but she seemed... i dunno, annoyed? not annoyed but like it was just me back on my bullshit. like it was all in my head. I think she did say it was all in my head. And after we left school a guy we knew was supposed to come with us, and she said “What, are you gonna feel excluded because Robbys coming?” in a really sarcastic voice. I just put in my headphones after that and actually did my homework. Because im supposed to be the chill one- im supposed to be the emotionless one, the one who doesnt let anything bother them because if i acknowledge that im hurt, then that means i could be getting unhealthy again. But fuck dude it did hurt. I barely tell my friends what I feel, and to be shot down like that, to be treated like i was just acting dumb again really hurt. especially because it wasnt like i was asking for anything to be different, other than me not wanting to hang out anymore. also especially coming from bianca. Out of all the people, i felt like i could count on her the most. I guess i was wrong again. Which sucks because its not like my brain goes to “ok they were a dick that time whatever”. When im not feeling good (aka when im not drugged out), my brain immedietely goes to wow what a dumbass trusting people again. 

It didnt help that Quenten came to hangout today. I normally love seeing her, and everytime i see her she vents about her problems and i support her because i know she has a lot on her plate all the time. But today it just made things worse. She vented like usual and i tried to support her the best i could, but when i tried to talk about something that was bothering me she kinda just shut me down. Cut me off, started talking about her problems again. Usually she does that, but today it hurt because i really needed someone to talk to, and i thought we were that person for eachother. 

Some shit went down with this Guy one time, and its kind of fucked me up. For awhile i tried my best not to let it get to me, tried staying friends with him and making the best of a situation because everyone told me that it wasnt that big of a deal. Not directly, but through their body language, the way they just change the subject, so i just believed that. Tried letting it go till eventually it built up inside me and blew up and left me feeling ruined. The other night i saw the Guy, and i had been doing so good, had been feeling happy and safe and just better. But he walked past me and it was like all of that just fell apart, i felt terrified again and unsafe and it was that feeling all over again, of not getting a choice, of not getting to have control, of putting my complete trust in someone only for it to be ruined. Anyways, its been leaving me fucked up for the past couple of days, and i just needed someone to talk to that wouldnt brush me aside. Im not sure why i thought that though. Quentin still thought highly of the Guy, still cared about his opinion i guess. its not like they were friends, but still. I shouldve known she wouldve blown me off when i tried talking about that situation. 

I might need to see a counselor about it, because theres no one that i can even really talk to about it. I tried with this one girl, and she really helped me. But then it turned into a shit show because she outed the guy when i asked her not to, and one of my ex good friends came to me, and basically said i was making it up. when before we stopped being friends she believed me and understood why i got scared around the Guy. I guess that situation fucked me up too lol. But theres no one i can talk to, no one i can even bounce my thoughts off of. I wish i could talk to my mom about this. Sometimes she’s really good with this shit. But i know telling her about this will just make my life worse. Ill go to being looked at like some broken pitiful thing. Im not. I might be broken but im strong and i dont want to be pitied or someone to get mad in my place. I think some part of her already knows.

I think im done talking for today. Guess spilling my guts is too much too.