#ignore me i am just journal posting . lol

[coquelicoq]

i've gotten so used to my daily practice of reading french aloud that now when i have to read something boring in english for work i default to reading it aloud. which takes way longer and also i feel like i retain even less information than i would otherwise, somehow. the upside is that my oral reading cadence in english, even of dense scientific articles, is rather excellent nowadays. i could read scientific articles out loud for a living, if that was a thing people needed me to do. which they do not, because screenreaders are a thing. maybe i could read crusty PDFs out loud for a living? but anyway all this is to say shoutout to my man alexandre dumas and also my other man victor hugo for training me to read run-on sentences in my second language. after that, dry journal articles in my first language are easy peasy.

[charmedreincarnation]

Since 2016 I knew about the law of assumption, I was struggling hardcore with my mom and was looking for ways to make money and out of the blue a law of attraction video pop up, tried that, it was hell then search on google to get more info then I saw law of assumption, search it and apparently all I had to do was affirm ofc I didn’t believe my affirmation and the “law” but the person said to persist ( and I was desperate)so I decided to manifest my mom having 10k ( with fcking tears in my eye because we REALLY needed to pay rent plus my baby sis and I didn’t eat anything for a week) then boom 8 mins after my grandmother called and said she has 5k to give us and my mom was sooooooo fcking happy I was grateful but I wanted 10k( because I remembered the woman said don’t settle for less) then after the landlady called my mom and said she needs to collect her Cheque in the mailbox but the fcking thing is my mom check that same fcking morning and few minutes before to see anything for us and nothing just spiders, so my mom went and collect it only to see we have over 5k in the cheque and obviously tears was spilled and a lot of shouting my mom went on her knees to thank god but I didn’t tell her anything honestly just let her do her thing and she even made my sis and I thank god which I did obviously, then I decided to play a little greedy and manifest my mom to give my sis and I a little 100$ to shop ( for snacks and drinks)and few seconds after she told us to organize and then handed my sis and I a 100$ to buy anything we want,that day made me believe the law is real and I continue manifesting a lot of things from there, just affirming and persisting because that’s how I was taught it and it worked for me.

I downloaded tumblr because some people in the comments said it had more info and success story, downloaded it in 2017 and didn’t know how to handle so I deleted it then 2019 decided to download it again and I get a better understanding of the app and I did see success stories and other stuff about the law apparently but I choose to ignore I just search got7 stuff ( huge kpop fan back in the day) deleted and came back here in 2022 and saw stufff about the void and saw success stories to I decided to try it just to test it and honestly I got through because I saw a whole lot of affirmation and I was lazy so I only use one but I got in in the first try felt extremely comfortable but exit the fck out because my life is already perfect the way it is, I just lay on my back and said I am the void ( even though it was uncomfortable) while falling asleep and apparently I discovered I did the lullaby method but yeah, states vs a+p doesn’t make sense honestly because I see a lot of people write stuff in journals and got what they wanted an 369 method and so on, so it was very funny to me watching a+p and states fighting honestly they look extremely dumb and ignorant but it is what it is I’m enjoying life with my method which is a+p and just on tumblr for a fandom I’m in (yes K-pop)

Congrats! It’s wonderful how you the law changed your life for the better. I hope everyone takes something out of this post lol.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

4/8/2024 eclipse notes

Overall it was a hopeful day for me despite the ever-looming sense of mourning. but the eclipse made it feel special. this eclipse was so mathematically rare because of the exact EXACT chiron conjunction. down to the minute. never experienced something so precise in my 15 yrs observing astrology.. i lit a candle for sammy & spent a while praying then did yoga n journalled outside as the eclipse waned. u couldnt see the full thing here but i saw a little ^.^

i've talked about chiron on the blog b4 but if ur not sure basically it's a major asteroid named after chiron the centaur, "The Wounded Healer". i feel that nickname sums up wat chiron's about, it's your deepest pain, isolation, rejection, & it's where your greatest potential to heal others (+yourself) can be brought forth. so chiron was turbo-activated today. it's digging up a lot of sh** for me truly. like this is rly crazy. but what i realized today is that i'm in the best place i've ever been to grieve, that was my eclipse revelation i spose.

and this is the most painful loss i have experienced in a loooong long time bcus this was someone i spoke to basically every day for the past year. but even then, i feel sm more equipped to get thru it , even if i feel rly quiet rn & not like myself, i kno it'll pass & i'll feel like i can be normal again. dnt feel much like posting rn but i'll get back to it eventually cus sammy rly loved my blog like sincerely i never felt embarrassed that he read my posts. although i do feel this is causing me another minor crisis over internet usage & how to exist online, i know i have to keep posting for sammy P..

yeah ahh the sadness comes in waves but im really glad i am where i am rn to process it all. it's weird to know this will impact my whole life going forward. it makes me think back to sain;t's death and how that changed the course of everything. except back then i was in the WORST environment to cope with it. it's so different now. saint's full name was saint chiron too !! so i always think of them when new chiron sky theatrics are happening. i'm like Awww Saint Wouldve loved writing a 10 paragraph introspective post about this ...They trained me in this manner :>

couldnt resist a late night ramble as i am ever so restless. tomorrow i have therapy for the first time since the day before denji ate a ziploc bag and got emergency surgery. i think that was like 3? weeks ago?? so basically i'm convinced time isnt real anymore because there's no way it hasn't been 3 months. rapid fire trauma lol o_o like please wonderful lord in heaven can we just pick, a struggle , one single struggle is enough. tysm. thats all for now.. trying not to scroll the dash because everything make me feel too crazy rn so pls dont think im ignoring u everyone Ok ilu.. gn

[elodieunderglass]

I really like the idea that one of the weird lurkers of your blog (like me) just hangs around looking for inspiration to write papers about. Like I realize that's not how it probably actually went down, but 2017 to 2022 seems like a pretty reasonable lead time from reading your post to conducting the research to writing and publishing the paper.

In reference to this:

It’s amusing that the original post only got 22 notes (likes), but when I looked at it again it had 19, which I’m choosing to interpret as the authors sheepishly withdrawing their likes in order to preserve their anonymity.

I think they probably just googled the phrase “friends to lovers pathway” before using it as the title of their paper and pulled up my post, or the other alternative being that the post popped onto their timeline when they were in the early stages of manuscript prep, and it was a moment of academic serendipity. I definitely don’t think I inspired the work in any way - just the quote and title. But it’s funny to imagine being studied.

I should say that I don’t necessarily expect permission to be asked if people intend to prosper or advance their careers from my words or art. However, I do appreciate the courtesy of being told that it’s happened. So far I’ve been quoted in a published book, quoted to name an academic paper, a person is actively selling plushies and other merchandise based on a post of mine while claiming that it’s their intellectual property actually, and screenshots of my work are regularly considered hilarious enough to steal but not pay me for. (the cricket post in particular was screencapped, went viral on Twitter some years ago without reference to me, was shared around BBC journalist twitter, and hundreds of people in the media industry said things like ‘lol we should pay this person to write’ …. in the apparent ignorance of the fact that if they had asked I would probably be open to…. Being paid to write……… and all the other times my posts have broken containment to go viral on other platforms for other people, with comments about how I should be commissioned to write a book; obviously that’s a normal part of online journalism and media, and I’m not naive about it, but it’s a bit much to for these people to be enriching their platforms with screencapped content, without the OP’s knowledge let alone consent, and joking about how they should pay for it or would read a whole book about it, when they’re the only people who could actually do something about it in the nightmare media landscape.) And nobody told me about any of these examples, I always find out by trying to retrieve links to my own stuff, or by friends telling me that someone else has gone so viral with my recognisable work that it got around to them.

Anyway if you do use my stuff in your own stuff, do let me know! I’m not here to prosper, but I am here to connect, and I’m quite willing to link your paper (and write a lay summary for free), buy your book or art, make your acquaintance, promote your work, or just add it to my portfolio - because if I ever DID want to prosper from my work here, which I wouldn’t usually consider except that it is evidently peer-reviewed good-enough-for-others-to-prosper-from, all of that would be valuable and helpful for me to know.

[i-have-dots-in-my-brain]

ayup mates, its me!!!!11

Call me dots or dot (not correct but when saying something belongs to me you use "dot's". idk why don't ask me)

TAGS : my art (self explanatory), dot's thoughts (mad ramblings) (extra note, there are two versions of dot's thoughts, the other one is with the phone version of ' so you can go look for that if you wanna see me posting from outside the comfort of my room and computer), dot’s travel journal (me on holiday). *prone to updates

fandom tags are ridden with reblogs, i am very sorry lol

if you wanna find my (mostly serious) art, check out @dots-in-my-head (send me asks and dms on this blog) also i have started putting fandom stuff there too so if you want to get my fandom doodles you can look to there as well

dumbass who likes to draw ocs and shit. (posts like there is no tomorrow but also like i have all the time in the world)

still questioning sexuality but currently aro/ace? (idk i'm not in a rush lol)

my loveley husband (@octoxxt, pls ignore this blog dude its embarrassing)

She/they (why do you need to know my age, you a cop?)

will not draw smut or NSFW bcs i will start howling with racous laughter and melt. (i don;t even read smut in fic dude what do expect me to be able to draw??? im a cartoonish anime style inspired artist you put your hopes too high if you think i can draw a dick without making it look like a piece of middle school desk graffiti)

i've got a bit of a dirty mouth but everything is vanilla

Makes lots of headcanons and will make art for the headcanons, accepts asks but no nsfw

please talk to me god i am lonely (i am serious about this i love it when people rb and scream in the tags it genuinely makes my day)

Absolute art machine(whether the art is good or not is a big question that i am not ready to answer)

makes shitty animations sometimes

Uses lol too much

Chinese, knows mandarin (translate the random messages for maximum brain damage) i don't know simplified but i do know traditional

am i a furry? idk but if you're mad about it you can fuck right off

am currently inbetween fandoms

fandoms i am (kind of) active in are hetalia, scp, dnd, genshin, pjo, bg3, apothecary diaries, jrwi riptide and csm (list is prone to updating because fandom is my support system)

old fandoms or the fandoms i lurk in (i visit them often): eddsworld, demon slayer, pokemon, vocaloid and wof. (also prone to updates as i remember stuff)

note : i am still in school and have a life outside the internet so stuff will be delayed (which is why i am only kind of active)

Do not say anything about how cringe I am I know trust me (it’s a coping mechanism lol)

if you're concerned, you're very right to be

I am very incoherent (most of my life updates have actually devolved into cries for help, please talk to me)

also if you don't like my art or ships its okay just please don't tell me, just leave or go to a blog you like (any critique about anything i make shoots a bazooka straight into my heart and behind the screen i crumble into a cartoonish pile of ashes and bones as i stare at the screen blurred by tears) (unless I ask for critique then I just go “cool I didn’t realise that”)

i am serious about that i will actually take it as a personal insult and cry behind the screen, please dont

[ruthlesslistener]

Hello! I'm not sure what proper etiquette is here so I hope I'm not overstepping, pls feel free to ignore if I am. You mentioned in a tag and/or post about having estrogen allergy? My wife is dealing with that, and it's... so difficult, most doctors don't know what it is and we thought we had a short term solution so she could finally get some sleep (she hardly sleeps at all anymore because of nightly itching). It's so hard to find ANY information on it and we're not sure how to proceed anymore. Just...wondering if you have any information at all? I'm sorry if this sounds desperate, it's because...it is lol.

Thanks kindly, from, your friendly neighborhood very worried lesbian wife.

Dw anon, you're not overstepping!! I've been in hormone hell since I was 13 so I know how much of a relief it is to find someone who understands for once. I don't believe that me or my mom (who's also affected) have the same allergic reactions that your wife is experiencing, but I'm hoping that I can help anyways.

Okay so first off, the doctors not knowing about estrogen allergies is bullshit. They may not be super common, but they've also been documented since at LEAST 1921. Just a cursory google search has yielded two scientific articles about it (that looked legit when I scanned through them before going to lecture, where I'm typing this rn), which I'll put right here:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5745953/

https://waojournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40413-017-0176-x

I'd suggest trying to read through medical journal articles on it because despite the density of the information and the difficulty of the language, medical articles tend to be more comprehensive about the symptoms and causes than ones written for the general public. They also mean that you have the language to confront doctors about it if you wish- which you'll have to do, because if she's experiencing an allergic reaction like itchieness, then I'd also be concerned about potential anaphalaxis if her reactions get more severe. The intolerance that me and my mother had manifested in different ways (migraines, muscle weakness, disorintation, being hypersensitive to food/unable to keep food down, extreme drowsieness leading to being bed-bound), but those weren't quite on the level of being so itchy that you can't sleep. A more typical allergic reaction is something to be concerned about and I highly suggest not only stressing this to your doctor, but also getting confrontational about it and meeting multiple different doctors if needed before you get care. Force them to run tests, force them to listen to you. That's my biggest regret when it comes to my hormone issues, because they just got progressively worse and worse until I had to go to the ER for it. Turns out that I was not only estrogen intolerant, I also had hypothyroidism! And nobody in 10 years of appointments thought to check for that!!

As for what helps me and my mom, I found that progesterone hormone treatment was effective for us both (until it stopped working for me, but I still don't know why that is. It works for my mother). You might want to be cautious about trying this because in the articles I read, some people were just as sensitive to progesterone, but it's worth a shot. I used to get the DEPO-provera (or however its spelled) shot to offset the issues caused by estrogen, which is an injection once every few months. I also found that once I went on testosterone that a good chunk of my hormonal health issues straight-up vanished, but obviously that's not exactly the best option for everyone. I'm on a masculinizing dose so maybe you can do a really super low-grade dose, but I'm telling you about it mostly just to get the point across that HRT works. It's not just for trans people- cis people get hormone fuckery and need hormone therapy as well.

But there's also proposed solutions in the articles I linked, so I hope those are helpful or give you an idea of treatment options. Best of luck!

[kabillieu]

It's that time of year! The annual gigantic writing conference that stresses me out to no end because it forces me to assume people will want to hang out with me.

I'm doing slightly better this year at making this assumption, and in fact have already arranged dinner reservations with one set of friends and another dinner reservation with another person who I have never met but who is on the panel I organized. I've started building my schedule, and I have lots of commitments and events planned. Maybe even too many? Like last year, I did not seek out any off-site events to read at, nor did I ask my press to host me for a signing at the book fair. #1.) I am not currently promoting a project, and I do not particularly enjoy reading in front of people. In fact, I sort of hate it. #2.) My book came out nearly four years ago. No one is going to drop by my press's table and buy it and ask me to sign it. Still, because poets love to post their AWP schedules to social media, I always feel a little bit of FOMO, like I should be trying to be more poetry-famous (lol) than I am. But with a big conference like this one, you can drive yourself mad by comparing yourself to others. I've been to four now, and I find them incredibly useful for general networking and strengthening professional friendships. This is going to be a busy conference for me. I'll be tabling for the journal where I'm a poetry editor and for my university. I have three dinners and one lunch scheduled. And for the first time, I'll be moderating a panel I organized and planned. I do not need to go chasing down reading opportunities. I'll save that for the future when I actually have a new book to promote.

Despite all my bellyaching, I actually really enjoy this conference. It's definitely overwhelming, but I've been so surprised over the years to discover how fun it is to meet other writers. I try really hard to ignore perceived or real hierarchies (though I do get star-struck by some poets), and I just talk to anyone who will talk back to me. I'm a very introverted person, but within a writing community context I often become extroverted for extended periods of time. It's like witnessing myself sprout a whole new personality. It's fascinating, and I'm looking forward to it.

[threeletterslife]

Hii! It's me again. I was curious how you came up with this? Was the whole series your idea or someone elses, or mabye where you found your inspo and such. And when you started writing it, did you come up with all the plots and stories yourself and did you have doubts on it? OH and also how did you come up with all these characters and fantasy like places and stories and names?You're welcome to answer or just ignore tho. Whatever is nice for you! 💓

wellllll this is quite a long story, so buckle up!

i consistently write a journal documenting my journey with lod, so i will be copy-pasting excerpts here. i am planning to post the entire journal once lod is finished (right now, it is 37+ pages, but it'll definitely be much longer lol. not sure if people would even read the full thing, though.) FYI: below the keeping reading line, words in red omits spoilers (aka the chapers i haven't posted yet) and words in green are commentary (since i wrote this journal a couple years ago)

tl;dr: i was bored in quarantine and had a lot of motivation, so i came up with lod. the entire series was my idea, but i found inspiration from other fantasy/magic series. i did have doubts when it came to plotting, but i had a couple of friends who proofread. coming up with everything was definitely a process—i explain it in detail below:

1. HOW IT ALL STARTED

November 1st, 2020, Sunday was the day I created the first LOD-related Google Doc. I remember for the longest time, I wanted to write an ultra-long series. I had no idea what this series would consist of—the only thing I did know is that I wanted it to be a slow burn. Of course, I began dabbling with the idea of the internet’s most beloved trope: enemies to lovers. I realized that I don’t exactly have much of an interest in developing a story based on modern-day happenings. If this series was going to be long, I wanted to go all-in—that is, I wanted to play around with some extensive world-building. Though I admit I have some experience in world-building, I say this with a grain of salt because I’ve never actually expanded upon my new universes. (Most of my world-building work has been through the Society Series, which included seven stories that ranged from 2k-29k words. And 2k-29k words are barely anything compared to the long series I wanted to write.) So I took on this challenge of creating an entirely new world with new nations and cultures and people.

Except I didn’t know where to start. I think I found it the easiest to figure out who I wanted to write. I definitely wanted to write a somewhat angsty relationship (definitely something on the lines of enemies to lovers). So I knew my main characters had to have a lot of spunk to them. I still wasn’t so sure about the setting, until I realized how interesting it would be to write a story about a war. I’ve never quite done that before. I accepted the challenge. And with this setting in mind, I began to piece together my characters. I typed out a quick: general!yg (26) and general!yn (23) into the Google Doc. It was actually smooth sailing from there.

1.1 Castings, Genres and Plotting

I created two nations: Solaria and Darlae and then split them up as the elemental magic group and traditional “wand” magic group. I wasn’t so sure how to build upon the magic, though. I decided to leave that problem up for the future me. Meanwhile, I assigned Yoongi the role of the cynical, cold yet somehow gentle Solarian General. Of course, to add some *spice*, I cast our OC as the kindhearted, passionate Darlaean General. I took a lot of inspiration from Avatar: The Last Airbender and the Harry Potter franchise but ultimately decided that I’d create my very own system of magic (somewhere along the line). I did know that the Solarians would control the elements and the Darlaeans would use what I later called their birthstones to do their own form of magic. But other than that, I literally let alone the magic. I figured I’d begin to create the magical guidelines when I felt more comfortable with the other parts of the story.

From November 1st to the 7th 2020, I plotted every day. But these were very general plot points—mostly to map out where the story would go. I came up with an introduction that I felt was a good hook, and from there, I focused a lot on moving the plot along. It’s a little problematic considering I didn’t exactly flesh out my characters yet, but I thought it would be better to just word vomit than stay stagnant. I realized I could tweak the plot a little (or a lot) after I got my ideas out. So then, I made the whole storyline of OC’s lost memory, Yoongi being suspicious of her, her feeling a little lost in Solaria, then her assimilating and gaining Yoongi’s undevoted trust. The plot was very much centered around her and the Solarian General. I remember being stuck at a particular plot point, however. It was after the fact that OC went into battle and got “captured” by the Darlaeans. I knew she’d meet her past lover (Jungkook) and it’d be a whole angst parade. But there were a few complications that are plot spoilers of the latter half of the second act, plus acts III and IV, so I will not share them for now. Just know that it wasn't until January 2nd to 14th of 2021 that I finally configured the ending of LOD

1.2 Creating the Title

I also came up with the title on January 10th. I had some possible choices too: ​​Forgotten Memories, Lost Memories, The Legends of Two Kingdoms, Legends of Magic, Legends of Darlaria. At first, I really wanted to incorporate the motif of memory in the title. [Reasons are redacted.] But then I started brainstorming some ideas and realized putting ‘memory’ in the title sounds cheap/an attempt to sound overly deep. I didn’t like it. So I realized I could branch off and talk about the nations. The Legends of Two Kingdoms gave me Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities vibes and I was not there for that. Legends of Magic sounded straight-up stupid. But then came Legends of Darlaria. It clicked. I was so happy with that and it stuck like glue.

1.3 Fleshing the Plot Out

1.3.1 Creating the Acts

January 12th, 8:38 AM, I copy-pasted my plot doc into a new doc specifically for chapter divisions. By 8:46 AM, I had created three acts. Act I is OC’s time spent in Solaria. Act II encompasses the entirety of OC’s stay in Darlae. Act III is the ending. I didn’t flesh out any of the chapters/parts. In fact, I spent the next several days splitting my story into parts. And by January 26th, I had all 65 parts basically fleshed out (plus the epilogue). It ended up being 57 pages, 33 more than my original 24.

January 16th, I first came up with the idea of having four acts instead of my original three. I felt like if I stayed with three acts, act II would be unnecessarily long. [Redacted discussions about acts III and IV].

1.3.2 Major Creations and Edits

From then on, I worked on my chapter divisions doc sporadically. I skipped the whole month of February. Then, I only worked on it twice around the end of March. I remember this was because I was losing a lot of motivation for Legends of Darlaria. I had completed a lot in a pretty short amount of time: creating a title, creating functioning characters, creating a 65-page plotline, etc. It was safe to say that I was (a) getting tired of it (b) realizing my ideas weren’t so great as I had originally thought they were. It also might have had a lot to do with college decisions and online school burnout. I remember I was just tired all the time—even though I was getting more than enough rest. Legends of Darlaria felt so… bland. Every arc I had, I felt like it had been done before, and there was nothing really special about my characters either. In fact, I started to worry that they were really, really starting to look like Mary Sues (especially the OC). 

But I got ahold of myself and began working again, picking up momentum. I entered the chapter division document (my main doc) on April 19th, ready to get back on track. I remember, I felt kind of lost, then. I wasn’t sure if I should add any more details to the plot or whether I should even take parts of the plot out. I felt like to change one little detail, I had to change a billion other things. So in the month of April, I remember obsessively reading over the document and editing every little piece of dialogue, sentence, plot point. I even built upon my characters. On April 19-22, I gave them zodiac signs, IQs and their place of birth. Zodiac signs were easy. For OC, her stubborn nature and willingness to stay grounded made her a Taurus, which is perfect considering that she has an April birthday (in order to have the diamond birthstone). I didn’t plan for that to happen, but it did happen to work out. Yoongi’s an obvious Aries; head on his shoulders, also stubborn and pretty tough (redacted information). I always imagined Jungkook as a Virgo (which he is in real life). On April 20th, I created the five sectors of Solaria—literally on a whim. Each element would get its own sector and there would be a heterogeneous capital sector. Coming up with the names for that was so fun. I basically looked up “names that mean [insert element]” and created my own variations from what I found on the internet. Needless to say, the names did not disappoint. (I’m usually shit at coming up with fantastical names, so this was an improvement on my part.) This was how I was able to figure out that Yoongi’s birthplace is Aithne; OC and Jungkook are both from Darlae, a huge kingdom with no separate cities/sectors [that obviously got changed later LOL]. Figuring out their IQs was a roller coaster ride [even though honestly it shouldn't even have been a huge deal since IQ doesn't define intelligence whatsoever]. In the beginning, I gave OC the highest IQ of 133. Jungkook had the lowest of 127 and Yoongi had a 131. But I thought about those numbers for a long, long time. (The funny thing is, IQ is not even remotely important to the story, so I have no idea why I was fretting so much about it.) But two days later on April 24th, I edited the IQs. Jungkook now had the highest of 131. Yoongi had the lowest of 127, and OC had 130. I remember realizing that I didn’t want the nations’ militant leaders to be too above average; that’s not how usually the military works. But I did want their IQs to be a little higher than average, too—because let’s face it—these characters do some smart shit in the story. But I ended up bumping Yoongi down the IQ ladder (for reasons that are purely intuitive; I can’t explain them with words). Jungkook went up (because I realized he’s one of my most intelligent characters), and OC is just right behind him.

1.3.3 Art & the Quest of Smut

No one asked for this, so I will be omitting this excerpt LOL.

1.3.4 An Obscene Number of Things to Fix

April 27th, I fleshed out the five sectors of Solaria, creating their relative sizes and different ecological biomes. (I literally remember researching the different biomes during my math class—it was a nice bio review!) I also realized I needed to take the initiative on my still ever-so-present dilemma that Legends of Darlaria felt bland. I was ruminating about the reason it could come off as bland for months. But I finally got somewhat of an answer. It was definitely because there was too much focus on the main characters; the side characters didn’t get the time of day! I also thought that the main characters’ flaws were not well-portrayed enough in the plot. So, I came up with a list called ‘THINGS TO FIX.’ It consisted of 10 bullet points: (1) yn’s not good with kids, (2) [HUGE FUCKING SPOILER], (3) [another spoiler LOL], (4) the ending drags on too much, (5) [semi-spoiler but omitting just in case], (6) sprinkle in stuff about sectors, (7) [more spoilers bruh], (8) add seokjin to the flashbacks, (9) add more female OCs, (10) figure out dates/times

(1) OC gets to meet children in chapter 5 where she voyages to the capital with her General. But I realized, it doesn’t make much sense for OC to be a kid-person. Even when she was young, she was mature for her age, and she had to grow up quickly due to the death of her mother [changed this to her parents' neglect instead]. She never got a chance to be a child. So it would make sense for her to be awkward around children. She doesn’t know how to treat those mini-adults!

(2) Nope

(3) Also nope

(4) Semi-spoiling the ending, so will take out just in case

(5) Also a semi-spoiler...

(6) I just created the different sectors, so I realized that now has to be integrated into the story.

(7) Oops also a spoiler

(8) Seokjin is a character we barely see in the whole story, which sucks because his character has so much potential. Even though I didn’t write it down anywhere, I always internalized that Seokjin is a misunderstood character. (Kind of like Jungkook.) He has a lot of potential and is a highly disciplined individual, but doesn’t quite understand how to interact with others. I think he’s a very “rigid” character. He likes to follow the rules. He likes to obey orders. I think a pivotal point in his character is when [REDACTED]. But since Seokjin is such an interesting character, I want to put him in the flashback scenes. He must have played some role!

(9) I knew for a while that Legends of Darlaria would not take in place of a patriarchy. Men and women are literally equal. So it was just sad to see more male characters than females. But that may have something to do with the fact that this is a BTS fanfiction and I kind of promised myself to include all seven men. So, of course, there is an imbalance. My concern, however, was coming up with female characters who could be seamlessly integrated into the plot.

(10) I realized while writing this longass series (which I had no idea would be in several months), I would also have to write descriptions of the setting. But the setting also includes the weather. How am I supposed to write about the setting if I don’t even know what season the chapter is taking place? This last bullet point perhaps stressed me out the most. (For some reason.)

1.3.5 Fixing and Creating New Characters

I worked on LOD basically for the rest of April—almost every day. I was really big on weaving the to-fix points into my plot. I remember I made 81 edits in one day trying to sprinkle in bits of the sector stuff. I also changed a lot of the dialogue and the choices the characters made for them to stay true to their character. At the beginning of May, I focused a lot on rounding out my main characters and fleshing out the world-building. I created a money system, which, I have no idea why I made (but whatever. I guess it made my world feel a little more real to me). I added three things to my to-fix list: (1) add more bits of confident yoongi, (2) add more yoongi character flaws (his willingness to surrender/give up), (3) add more yn character flaws (too trusting, overthinks, workaholic). I still felt like my main characters were Mary Sues (except Jungkook LOL). So I realized to make the audience sympathize with them and root for them, I had to make them seem more human by giving them notable flaws. 

I took a break for a couple of weeks and got back on track in the middle of May. On May 18th, the Lieutenant of the Solarian Army Kang Doyun was born. I didn’t really know much about her other than the fact that she speaks her mind and is a generally likable character. The same day I created her, I also decided that ultimately, she has to die. Originally, I planned it so that OC and Doyun do not know each other too well. That would make it easier for OC to take Doyun’s place as the Lieutenant when she dies. In hindsight, I realize that is definitely not how the military works—even in a fictional nation. But we’re going to let my past self be in blissful ignorance. [Which is why I changed it later so OC never becomes the Solarian Lieutenant General LOL.]

May 19th, Hana was born. She was created for the sole purpose of tripping up OC because she’s so similar to Hajin. Immediately, I knew I had to design her as a very likable character. In fact, I added to my to-fix list: make ALL characters more likable/complex. By the end of May, my original 24-page document became 71 pages. 

I worked on the document for three days in mid-June. Mostly, I was working hard to polish up the plotline; my goal was to slowly get rid of all the bullet points from my to-fix list. I worked on the document for one day in July—mainly to add to some important plot points. I think at that point, I thought I was basically done fleshing out the story.

Anyways, the rest of this journal is me doing a breakdown of each chapter I've written in LOD, which can get quite tedious, so I won't include that. Hopefully, this gives you a better background of how my idea came to be and knowledge of some of my pre-writing processes!

I began writing LOD after I settled into my college dorm, and three years later, I'm in my apartment still writing. I will most likely finish and wrap up this story when I soon after I graduate and begin working full-time

[crestapex]

Hello! I saw a post saying COD matchups are open! If not, please ignore this ^^ Also, I haven't fone a matchup ask in forever, so sorry if I'm rusty...

I'm punk and it really shows in my appearance. I got a red mohawk, and some piercings and tattoos. I like to customise my clothes as much as possible, so battle jackets, studs, chains, pins and patches with slogans and band icons/names are my daily wardrobe.

I'm nonbinary, panromantic asexual and I go by they them pronouns. I'm trilingual and I love learning about stuff, mostly languages and time zones. I am very probably autistic, so I have issues with social interactions as well as sensory issues and I have tics, motoric and vocal. Usually I just chirp, repeat phrases or wave my hands around, twist my neck etc. But sometimes, when I'm anxious, my tics get more violent and I often punch/pinch myself. I struggle with depression a lot as well as some unhealthy coping mechanisms that involve pain, to put it lightly.

I love art, I consider myself a poet, I got one book published and I like to attend poetry competitions. I also draw a lot and paint. I like crafting as well, I have tons of little projects either going on or in my head. I have to journal a lot, because if I don't write it down you can bet I'll forget it :D I also like cooking :)

I love animals, I used to have pet rats and would want them in the future.

I think I'm kind, maybe a bit too much, I would do anything for my loved ones. My MBTI type is INFJ if that helps. I try to make others laugh and feel comfortable, I'm kind of a mix between the parent friend and the clown friend. My love language is words of affirmation and quality time. I tend to get into arguments, because a) people usually take me seriously when I'm being sarcastic or playful (another tism trait), b) because when it comes to things I'm passionate about, I always think I'm right and I have the need to convince the other person that my opinion is better. Also because I get frustrated when people don't get what I mean exactly.

My special interests are horror, in all forms, horror movies, horror books, video essays, deep dives...I like true crime as well and I like to collect bones and other things people often deem creepy (I have a bird skeleton/mummy in a jar).

I think that's it, take as much time as you need, and again, if matchups aren't open, feel free to just delete this <3

You’re all good �� (I’m not too familiar with the whole MBTI type of stuff, so I tried my best to look into it, lol.)

I match you with: Rodolfo ‘Rudy’ Parra!

I think he’d be pretty into watching video essays and deep dives with you. Rudy would have no problem setting himself on the couch right beside you, claiming that it keeps him educated and his mind sharp. But really he’d end up passing out in 30 minutes, one of his arms wrapped tightly around you as if you were to magically grow wings and fly away from him. The other resting gently on your arm or thigh if you find yourself sitting practically in his lap. It’s one of the few times he finds himself at true peace and serenity.

Having any shared friends means you guys are definitely referred to as the parents of the group. Drama at the grocery store? Off to go gossip with the two of you! Looking for relationship advice? Once again, off to you and Rudy. And when you guys get into a small, tiny even, slight disagreement in front of your friends? All of sudden it’s the end of the world and everyone is talking about having two christmases. 😐

But also most likely to be the one to bring you down from confrontation or arguments. He will tell you when it’s time to take a step back and calm down, and he’ll continue to talk you down from it and put a comforting hand on your lower back. And if you want to take a moment to continue ranting about it? Go for it, he’ll listen, only to voice his opinion on the situation if you ask for it and/or after you’ve come back down to earth. He’s pretty level headed (especially compared to someone like Alejandro… *side eye*…) and tends to have good judgment like that, so I think that would balance out your relationship, especially if you’re more on the temperamental side.

I can picture him as some sort of gift giver, which I’d imagine would go pretty well with someone who has strong collector tendencies. And they wouldn’t always be the most elaborate and luxurious gifts—though it’s not out of the question—it be something small or something he just found interesting and made him think of you. Think of a gem or crystal he found be sold at a little gift stand, or a small drawstring bag full of bottle caps from all around the world and from all kinds of bottles (that, or he’d be the one to gift you the bottle caps to add a collection, lol).

Loves your artistic side, especially your poetry. Write him little pieces of poetry on a sticky note or torn corner of a piece of paper and he will most definitely keep it in his pocket, only pulling it out to read when he’s alone and missing you—“Oh, mi cielo…” he’d whisper to himself and bring the piece of paper right over his chest, on top his beating heart. He’d close his eyes and let himself be overrun with thoughts of you, even if it’s just for a quick minute before he would have to return back to work. And while you may not believe it’s your best work, Rudy will think it’s one of the most beautiful things he’s ever read.

mi cielo = “my sky” or “my Heaven”

[aeternallis]

the nice thing about having friends who have faith in you, having a twin brother you can rant to and not be judged poorly (considering he himself has also been in some hot water with our extended family before, lol), having a sister-in-law you can talk to about the technicalities of things, is that it grounds you to reality. it gives you perspective, and just outright reminds you that you shouldn't let what people say online get to you, because at the end of the day, all this will pass, yknow?

i'm excited for the day i can look back on all of this and laugh about it; it'll make for a neat conversation starter with my friends. lol there's no regret in what happened. i only regret the way i let it get to me, and how i'd forgotten one of my other personal rules when i engage in fandom. but having talked to my loved ones now (and listening to bollywood music), i'm on solid, firmer ground again, so i think it's a lot safer for me now to think and talk about it, to get all my thoughts out onto paper and onto the same solid ground with me.

usually i'd write about this sort of thing on my journal, but i gotta keep the carpal tunnel at bay, so onto this blog it goes.

what happened this week was a double-whammy for me: individuals called me out for a post I'd reblogged on here with some tags I wrote on there, and a meta post that garnered some controversy about a generally accepted fanon take on a character (said take being fanon is my opinion, just so we're clear, future me).

i have hurt a number of individuals with the tags i wrote in that post, and i do feel remorseful for the way i came off, but ultimately, i do stand by them. my reasons were not stated in that post, because i spoke only in the tags; we have a limit of 30 tags, y'all. i'm not able to give all my justifications onto those tags because i'm limited (30!), and i never thought i'd have to (despite the fact that i understood that i had no obligation to), in the first place.

whether or not people choose to discern and draw conclusions about my character based on those tags alone, or if they want to reach out to me to get further clarification, that's entirely up to them. i can't control how people perceive me online, so why expend the energy to giving their opinions about me any weight, when i can use said energy for other things (like smutty kimchay art--//hits)?

the way i see it, the people who choose to discern my character and jump to conclusions about it based on those tags alone says a lot more about them than it ever will about me.

having said that...

cat!kim, bottom!kim, submissive!kim...I don't like any of these headcanons (that hasn't stopped me from reading some amazing bottom!kim fics though, lemme just say XD) because in my mind, they're heavily influenced by jeff satur's media personality and disregards the boundary between actor and character. no one has to agree with me on this, nor should anyone feel the need to explain themselves to me about why they may think the opposite, because at the end of the day, these are just my opinions. anyone else is more than welcome to think the contrary. i cannot control what people think of me through these opinions any more than i can control people giving weight to them in the first place.

autistic!kim and basically any headcanon that applies a medical diagnosis onto a fictional character...is an idea i choose not to engage in, or entertain in any capacity. that's all there is to it. am i stopping others from engaging in this idea? not at all; explore this idea as much as you want in the capacity it makes you happy. that's one of the purposes of fandom, after all. but for my part, i cannot engage in it whatsoever; i'd much rather people in this fandom just think the worst of me, call me all types of names and labels in the book, and live in ignorance about my character, than to compromise on this. i can explain myself in limited capacity in a private chat, but otherwise, i won't share any more of myself than what i feel i can or should in this public space, yknow?

as for my meta posts...i'm very glad they do encourage conversation, even if others disagree with me, but just please be nice about it. i don't mind engaging in friendly debate in private, but i will also admit that debate about character interpretation in public gives me hella anxiety, alas. it's harder to discern people's tones online, and what was once originally a debate can quickly spiral into yelling matches because of this loss of context.

but yeah, i think now i can safely say i've made a little bit of peace with this incident(s), even if i'm still processing a lot of emotions!

and with that, back to my metas and kimchay art, i've kept them waiting long enough~

[sapphiclizziebennet]

this is another go of me documenting my deep personal life on here (definitely too much lmao) so yall can ignore it if you want. tumblr has been my personal journal for years now because about 5 people read my posts. but anyway,

idk i'm just feeling some type of way tonight.

on one hand, i am intensely angry and hurt. when reflecting on the events of the last year, i can feel so much emotion that it makes my body feel like it's on fire. it does feel like many things were taken from me, and certain things that i had cultivated specifically were cut down by the root and left to rot. i want to scream to the world that i know now why i act a certain way, how the neurodivergency and specifically autism effects me, i want closure on everything and want to know what every person specifically thinks so that i can say all the things that i felt like weren't heard. it's all for naught, because those traits are exactly why i was scorned so badly. but i still just feel so many things so deeply that i want to Yell. i feel stupid for having Big Feelings about things that happened 6 months ago, but i don't know, i still am very affected by the grief of losing long term friends and how i was treated, the things that were said about me, and trying so hard to rectify it all only to realize that no matter what i did, nothing would fix how those people felt about me because they'd been forming a case against me for so long, only listening to each other and nobody else. i felt very helpless and in many ways still do.

on the other hand, i am really happy with the direction my life is taking. i am happy with the decisions i've made. for the most part, i feel immensely supported by the people i've chosen to keep close to me. learning about autism has been the greatest gift i was ever given. i feel like for the first time i don't feel broken despite all the evidence in the past pointing to me being a shit person. turns out i'm not inherently a shit person, i'm just disabled and was never accommodated by the people around me lol. obviously that doesn't extend to every single one of my actions, clearly i'm still capable of doing bad things and the autism doesn't excuse that. but in recent cases, a lot of it has been rooted deeply in a misunderstanding of how i function, on both my part and the parts of others. i did literally think i was a broken person for a very long time. to know that i'm not is so fucking comforting, i can't even describe it. so i'm at this weird convergence point of hurting a lot and at the same time being thankful for all the things it's taught me.

anyway that's my story i guess. sometimes the hurt outweighs the happiness and that's where i am tonight. last night it was the other way around.

christmas time is always nice for me because i really love buying gifts for people so i've been having so much fun shopping and thinking about what i can get for the people in my life to show them that appreciation of them being there. there have been some sad voids there obviously, but overall i'm having a good time, albeit a busy time. i haven't had one single day for myself to rest since finals ended and i think it is finally catching up with me. i need to recharge at some point but idk when it's gonna happen! i am Overwhelmed but it's fine lololol

[starlightinmeshallshineonyou]

Begin Again (Marc Spector and Steven Grant x Reader Fanfiction [A Moon Knight Fanfiction])

(A/N: GIF isn’t mine, please kindly check the maker of this GIF! [@devilish-mirage​])

Pairing: Marc Spector and Steven Grant x Reader ( or Steven Grant and Marc Spector x Reader)

Word Count: 688

Warnings: It’s a short fic.

Summary: Knowing a person that you hold dearly along the years.

A/N: This has been in my draft for about 4 months now because I didn’t know how this going to end. So might as well post it here lol! 

———

You and Marc weren’t really friends anymore in high school.

You remembered Marc was kind when you guys were in junior high school. He adored telling you about this adventurer called Dr. Grant. Honestly, you didn’t really pay any attention to what he said back then (because you didn’t know who the hell Dr. Grant was). But what made you pay attention to him was because of the way he talked about who Dr. Grant was.

The seasons changed along with the years, and of course, with Marc too. You didn’t know that Marc attended the same high school as you are. You noticed him when you were in mid semester. You yelled, “Marc!” Waving your arms to him.

You knew in your heart that he heard you, but he didn’t turn his head to you. Back then you just waved it off. Maybe he doesn’t recognize my voice now, you thought.

The next day you went to the cafeteria and saw him sitting alone. He sat straight; his jacket printed to his shoulders blade sharply. His sharp jaw moved around as he chewed his food. Purple colored underneath his eyes. Has he gotten any sleep lately? You thought.

You screamed internally as you strode to him and greeted, “Hey, Marc!”

He looked up and for a second you saw his eyes dilated, but soon turned back into those cold eyes you never knew he had. “What?” He asked sharply.

You were taken aback at his reply. You’d never met this version of him: cold and unfriendly. So, you gave up that easily, knowing your heart couldn’t take it anymore, “Nothing, my mistake. Sorry I called you. Don’t know what’s gotten into me.”

You ran into class, ignoring the attention and the whispering from the other students.

———

You were studying Egyptian myth for your thesis. You were working your ass off for your future. You didn’t know why you wanted to learn and become a future professor that taught Egyptian myth. There was something that called you to take this journey.

Because tomorrow you’d have a conversation with your professor, you needed to get the first draft of your thesis done right now. But you still had to complete some research on artifacts that correlated to Egyptian time.

You went into the National Art Gallery. It stood tall with its giant pillars. Many people went in and out at the entrance of the gallery. First time you went into the art gallery, you were amazed by the number of people there. It was so packed with people of amazing interest. From people with classy style to students who had some work to do.

You dove into the crowd as you scanned your surroundings. The place was beautiful, the layout of this place wasn’t small, but rather spacious. The space between ‘art’ itself had a generous amount of space, so people weren’t crowding the whole place.

You walked peacefully as you memorized every step that you took in this place. This place was something you couldn’t forget. You needed to make a journal entry after you were done with the day.

You were taking some notes when you heard someone talking, “Khonshu, God of  the moon. You see, he—”

You looked to the side and saw him again. It felt like your heart was beating for the first time again, yet breaking at the same time. He stood beside you like how you’d imagine him when he was older: sharp and rough surface. “Marc,” you breathed out his name.

“I-I’m sorry. My name is Steven,” he chuckled, pointing at his name tag. “With a V.”

You looked down at his name tag and frowned. Is he for real? You hadn’t seen him in a very long time and he pulled this crap? But your doubts died down when you saw his face: innocent and true. Am I hallucinating? “Right, I’m sorry uhm— Steven, yes.”

He nodded happily. “And you are?”

You were, once again, caught off guard. You smiled as you brought your arms to him. “Y/N. My name is Y/N.”

“Nice to meet you, Y/N.”

———

A/N: I’m sorry this is a short fic. I tend to aim 1k at most, but I got stuck with this particular fic lol! And don’t worry, now I have the time to write since I’m on my semester break. The next fic I probably going to post is Matt Murdock x Reader since it was close to finish. I just need to write the ending and edit it first. Hope you have a great day 🙌🏻🙌🏻💕💕.

[cirrus-grey]

WIP ask game!

Rules are as follows: post the barebones plot of your wips and let people send you an ask with the title that intrigues them the most, then post a snippet/tell them something about it! Then, tag as many people as you have wips. I was tagged by the excellent @nat-20s!

The Magnus Archives:

Focusing on the longfics and/or those that are in my immediate queue to write, as I have way too many half-finished drafts and plot bunnies to list them all!

The Story That I Am Writing Today: I'm taking this one out of the mix in case talking about it curses my motivation lol. But it's my 200th TMA story and I'm excited!

Castaways 22 - Piano: I have a lot of Castaways stories in the drafts but the next one up is Jon buys a piano.

WWDITS Fusion: Jon is a vampire, Martin is his familiar. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me and you and you and me: The Magnus Archives is an RPG distributed by Georgie Barker Ltd. and licenced under a Creative Commons Attribution Sharealike 4.0- (It's a D&D AU)

The Research Journal of Jonathan Sims, c. 1818: Jon is the Institute's first Archivist (or he will be when it opens later in the year) and Martin is an Institute Librarian from 2018 who crash-lands in his study via accidental time travel.

RQBB2020: I swear I still intend to finish this one. It was a plot bunny I was keeping in my back pocket to write for the Rusty Quill Big Bang in 2020, but I ended up not joining because I realized I wouldn't be able to finish on the deadline. Which, given that it's now two years later, was a pretty accurate assessment on my part. Anyway it's a S4 AU, gist of it is the Distortion starts messing with Jon and Martin's heads and sends them through various real-or-not-real worlds where they have a chance to get a happy ending - Archivist!Sasha AU, coffee shop AU, etc.

Oneshot Roulette: If you want to hear about those half-finished drafts and plot bunnies, send me "Misc." and I'll pick one to talk about!

Discworld:

(What's this? A non-tma fic from me??? I'm shocked too.)

The little wanderer and the rogue wizard: Several decades after Interesting Times, Twoflower returns to Ankh Morpork for one last visit. Essentially this story is a vessel to explore all the lingering, unresolved feelings that Twoflower and Rincewind's friendship always leaves me with.

Seven people feels like a lot to tag but uhhhh let's see: @acemartinblackwood, @bibliocratic, @cuttoothed, @dathen, @organchordsandlightning, @radiosandrecordings, @somuchbetterthanthat

(I have no idea who's been tagged already, so if any of you have already done this and/or just don't have any wips you want to talk about, feel free to ignore!)

[pastryjay]

Personal stuff/ venty post thing

i’ll put it below a thing because I don’t want to be annoying with a long post :)

Mostly talks about gender stuff.

I don’t usually talk personal stuff because I am so used to my parents (mostly my mother) dismissing/ ignoring/ not understanding my worries and acting like me asking for help is an inconvenience. I’m an only child with parents over 40 years older than me and almost no close irl friends at the moment. It has been impossible for me to find anyone with remotely similar experiences irl that I feel comfortable talking to. (I don’t fall out with people, I promise i’m nice, I just find it hard to connect and reach out to others). Much love to my online friends though.

Anyway, I really haven’t talked about this with anyone other than dismissed attempts to ask my mum for help but I am having a gender crisis and have had for some time. I have always known I was different but it wasn’t until about 2 years ago that I started asking myself what if I am actually trans? Since then, that thought has been at the front of my mind all day, everyday and that is not an over-exaggeration. I guess I have found it so hard to talk about such issues because I am feeling things so hard and I don’t know how to start talking about how I feel in a condensed way that sums everything up. I had been keeping a journal online venting about said issues which now has over 18,000 words... yeah. There are a lot of thoughts in my head actually.

A lot of it is the usual stuff. I want a flat chest and have thought that for many years, I use GC2B binders when I can (and clean them without my parents knowing). I want short hair and I know I am an adult and can do what I want now, but it’s hard to get the confidence to do that when i’m naturally anxious and my mum tells me i’d look ugly with it =/. I like having body hair and wish my voice was deeper. I pretty much exclusively wear masculine clothes and haven’t bought a single piece of feminine wear in years. Honestly, I always hated clothes shopping until I realised that I could just buy masc clothes instead. Ffs I was one of two people in my year throughout high school who insisted on wearing the boys uniform with trousers instead of skirts and the other person since has come out as trans.

I do dress like just some guy now whenever I can, exhibit A, some of the lamest quality photos (I hardly take photos of myself lol and do NOT like my face).

I only dress feminine when my mum tells me I must, again yes, I know I am an adult but my mum is particularly skilled at making me feel ashamed. 

I have always related to and felt more comfortable around boys/ men as well, especially as I share much more typical interests and mannerisms too. I get some levels of dysphoria that fluctuate between almost non-existent to ‘makes me nauseous’. Though I tend to avoid things that would cause me to be uncomfortable e.g. I don’t go out much, I mostly avoid looking at myself. On the other hand dressing masc makes me very happy, euphoric I guess.

I am particularly worried with this whole situation as I have just finished my degree and am job hunting. Whatever job I have will probably expect me to be feminine, except I do not own make up anymore, I have hardly any feminine clothes and I will not be comfortable! I am depressed enough as it is!

I guess I will just have to suck it up and deal with it as I do not feel confident in my identity enough yet to put a label on it so can’t come out. So no, I don’t have my pronouns or put my name on social media anywhere anymore (tbh I haven’t for like a year or more) as I am just perpetually unsure (and scared). I only have my face (and maybe my name) on my patisserie instagram as my family follow me there and I do not want questions from them. Honestly just refer to me as anything, if you like in some online communities (especially gaming) I do have the username PastryJay as i’m a pastry chef and Jay sounds a lot like my middle name so Jay is okay too. I don’t know what I will end up identifying as or if I will just be forever unsure/ too scared to label myself. Is anyone ever completely sure? But as I have seen family, neighbours, former colleagues, students in my classes and people online express transphobic views many times, and I don’t live in a city so can’t easily meet other people like me, it is very hard to experiment much or talk about my feelings. Additionally, as an only child I feel like i’m constantly afraid of letting my parents down. I am also incredibly terrified that my feelings will change so wouldn’t want to come out irl then have to redact that. Yes yes, despite my gender issues not being a new thing at all or lessening. If I end up coming to the conclusion that I am just cis and masc, I have a lot of respect and love for the trans community and that will never change.

Anyway I guess as it is pride month, I am seeing a lot of people being happy and true to theirselves (which I am genuinely happy for, not being bitter and jealous here) whereas I just look like some awkward nobody and I am so lonely. Maybe I thought I should change that and make my feelings known here at least.

Big thanks and hello to anyone who has read this. I am totally open for accepting advice or acknowledgement from people about this btw.

[couches]

plz don’t talk to me about this post

damn when was the last time i made a post. LMAO this shit looks bad on desktop holy fuck

just checking in. i’m doing bad.

i have a place i do my journaling but i don’t know why i wanted this post to go out to more than just the void. i feel like i’ve needed a win for like the past few months and i just have not gotten one. not to say nothing good is going on in my life because the same things that have always been going well (my relationship, my friends, my parents’ health, my job, my dog) are doing really well. my mental health has just been doing really terribly and it’s been so difficult to focus on the good. you may remember bpd as the adhd or autism of the 2010′s and ya girl is still eating shit daily. 

the holidays are always tough for me, and things somehow went worse than i expected this year. i’ve been really missing camille even though i see her more frequently than ever, it’s just been hard being this far into our relationship and comparing it to my friends who get to spend the holidays together or who have normal families who are accepting and excited about their child’s s/o. i always feel lonely during christmas but i felt even lonelier still feeling so far away from being able to spend holidays or any happy days with the person i love and who i’m spending the rest of my life with. it just really, really hurts sometimes. (all the time) 

i don’t even really want to talk about my brother being annoying because that’s just the status quo. he cussed at me when we were in the car and i actually had to breathe deeply because my anger was actually about to get out of control LOL. i just had to stay quiet and breathe. and then when i got home i just stayed in my room and cried. and then i was thinking about camille’s sisters and how horrible they are to her and it made me cry more. [putting this vaguely cuz i don’t wanna divulge her family info in my own post] i’m glad things are resolved for the sake of her peace but i still have so much anger in my heart about it and i think hearing about it on the same day where i already was feeling so angry and hurt and alone just made me even more upset. i just can’t believe it’s been a month of them (especially the younger one) ignoring her and acting like she’s a ghost in their house. she didn’t even look up to acknowledge me when i visited and that was enough to make me pissed off and i don’t even give a fuck because she’s not my sister so imagine how much it would hurt if she was. i just feel really disturbed by the whole thing and i don’t ever want to be in the same space as them again, still. 

i just couldn’t stop crying last night because i felt really frustrated about feeling anger and hatred LOL. believe it or not... i hate feeling that way! and i just feel really consumed by my anger these days. i feel like i used to be such a happy and forgiving and kind person and now i look in the mirror and i don’t even see that. i see someone who is bitter and angry all the time. i know it’s because i’ve become more passionate about injustice, personally and globally, but sometimes i just feel so tired. i feel like no one else shares my pain and i’m wrong. i feel crazy. even though my therapist always tells me i’m not and always tells me that how i feel makes sense. i just feel like i’m crazy and i’m screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. but then when people do hear me i feel like i have to minimize myself and what i’m feeling because i don’t want to share this burden. the burden of not knowing what the fuck is wrong with me!!!!! 

i saw this quote that was saying like, is the real you the one who did that horrible thing, or the one who feels awful about the horrible thing you did? and i know that i am forever a compassionate person who can accept my mistakes and flaws and who knows that radical love and empathy is the key to growth and joy. but i just can’t stop being consumed by my feelings these days. i know i can’t help how i feel but i can help how i react. but god it’s so hard... 

i don’t mean this in a derogatory way toward myself, but it’s crazy that i’m 25 still making posts the same way i did when i was 15. just depressed, confused, hating myself, and on tumblr.

[txemrn]

You haven't answered so I don't know if these have been asked...feel free to ignore you have already got these hahahahah djhjkdfhkjfhjkdfk

What if I....? WHAT?!? and Ricochet fhkdfjkdfkjhdjk!

P! Eeeeeee! Thank you so, so much for sending me a request with this WIP game! I am so sorry that I'm just now getting to your Ask. I'm just happy the tumblr gods are having mercy and letting me post instead of giving me the white browser screen of shame. 🤣

So, you want some TRR and OPH? Coming right up, my little kumquat!

What if I...?

I hope you don't mind; I'm cheating. I shared this with @sfb123 the other day, so I am cut and pasting this part to youuuuuu!

This is the Drake fic where he gets shot down by the girl of his dreams (his lab partner in college), and he comes back to Cordonia (after the assassination attempt), and he's very anti-love. He meets Thalia who is like a Disney princess, and loves everything there is to love about love... and they hate each other.

In Thalia's quest for a love, she decides to tease fate by instigating a sort-of love challenge, writing in a journal. She leaves the journal amongst the love poetry stacks at the library, hoping that her Prince Charming will find it and write her back.

Who finds it? Drake.

Oh! BTW... Don't worry; our handsome prince is in this fic, and Riley is spending the semester studying abroad in Cordonia, staying with Thalia's family.

(Denim is Drake's nickname at college)

"Denim, it's ten after six--"

Drake breaks from his reverie. He blushes, offering a chuckle to his roommate Tommy standing at the entrance to the community bathroom.

"Cmon, man!" Tommy jokingly slaps Drake on the back. "Moni is going to be here any minute to study for your finals! Go get dressed!" He shoves Drake towards the door, both men snickering.

Drake raises his hands in surrender when suddenly, his cellular phone rings. His face begins to drop as he quickly recognizes the name flashing across the screen. He was not about to deal with that tonight. Hitting the Ignore button, he hastily makes way to his dorm room. 

As he finishes getting ready for his study date with Monika, Drake pulls out a bouquet of red roses from his mini-fridge. Sprucing them up in a glass vase, Drake's phone rings again.

Same name, same three letters flashing on the screen.

Damnit.

~🖤~

Ricochet

Eep! Chapter 4 will be released soonish, and in this part, Tatum runs into trouble with that intense surgery she started in the last chapter. Afterwards, she is invited out to her first trip to Donahue's with a hunky surgical resident; but who else is at the bar? You guessed it... Ethan. And, they finally get to talk. Like, for real talk since she walked back into his life. Let the PINEwood derby begin! 🤣

I want to talk about Chapter 5 because to me, it's comical and fluffy. Ethan and Tatum had a moment at Donahue's (that immediately crashed), so the following week, all either of them can think about is getting tangled up with each other. They try to avoid each other to get the thought of sex off of their minds... but it's hard when they keep running into each other in places that remind them of the good ol' days. The chapter ends with Tatum throwing herself into one hell of a pickle. But... here's a snippet (that I THINK I'm putting in this chapter lol):

(flashback of med school; they're studying, she's making brownies...)

“Oh, c’mon, Tate,” Ethan jumps up from their hand-me-down sofa, bound with a textbook in tow to their small apartment’s breakfast bar. “You know this--” he whispers encouragingly.

“Hrmm--?” she mumbles with the utensil back in her mouth, looking up into his baby blues. “Oh!” She wipes her chocolate-filled mouth with her thumb. “Easy,” she quickly swallows, “morphine, oxygen, nitroglycerin, and aspirin.” She cleans her hands off with a paper towel, but notices her boyfriend is painfully quiet. “Wait a minute--” she twirls around, placing her hands on her hips. “Where’s the infarction?”

“Damnit!” Ethan pounds his fist on his book before giving her a toothy grin. “I thought I was going to get you with that one--”

She clicks her tongue. “Now hold up--” she steps closer to him, swaying her hips, “--wasn’t I the one that taught you about right ventricular MIs?” She bites her lip knowingly. 

“Taught me?” He guffaws matter-of-factly, “You showed me a diagram in a book--”

“And taught you!” She jovially growls as they both fix a stern look on their faces.

~🖤~

Love you, sweet girl! Thanks for the request!