#im also anxious about it getting in the way for work but i rlly do just wanna have art going up and down my arm

[firebuug]

i know my first tattoo should probably be something small but i just dont have any small tattoo ideas im excited enough to get first. if im gonna pay $200+ dollars for a pain appointment its gonna be something big

[thatdeadaquarius]

Have some more language brainrot for your brainrot

Writer reader getting kind of insecure that even if they write something nobody will understand it, so when Al haithem askes you if he can keep a draft or two just for analyzing, there's hesitant agreement but ultimately you tell him to please burn the documents once he's done. They're too awkward to look at now...

Only he doesn't burn them, in fact he ends up recruiting several people close to the creator with knowledge of olden speak to analyze them. A funeral parlor consultant well known for his historical knowledge, a 500 year old shrine maiden who owns and runs her own publishing house, and a bard who somehow butted his way in on the project. None of them could resist the opportunity to witness the creator's sacred scriptures with their own eyes.

Needless to say, the papers ended up being fought over and have been making their rounds around your acolytes. It started with Ei, who insisted that as an archon she also should see the creator's work with her own eyes. Then once Ningguang found out, she ordered they be handed over to a team of literary analysts in order to be properly handled and deciphered. Things got really messy quick, but have luckily come to a halt as none of the acolytes want the creator to know their random writings are being fought over.

Especially when it comes to the creator's sullen additute. Their acolytes first have to convince their holiness that their inability to read and understand the creator's writing shouldn't prevent you from doing what you love. In fact... could they convince you to write some more?

WRITER OR READER WITH TALENTS HAS MY WHOLE HEART LIKE-

On one hand, same 💀 id be terrified for my all time fav skrunklies to see my bs

But at the same time i rlly wanna show them goddamit- THANK U FOR THE BRAIN FOOD IM RUNNING LAPS AROUND MY HOUSE THINKING ABT THIS-

Sun: Gender Neutral Reader (they/them), Writer!Reader

Planet: Language Shenanigans

Orbit: Scenario

Stars: Alhaitham mostly, some of Kaveh, mentions of other Sumeru characters

Comets & Meteors: Content Warnings: Insecure about craft/writing, anxious first pov (not serious),

& Trigger Warnings: Mild Negative self-talk, insecure perspective/reader “you”, possible anxiety depiction.

You were not a very confident writer.

This had been an avoidable feeling ever since you picked up a pen for the first time and were asked to write a story for school.

You were always anxious turning in essays, letting friends proofread them, anything that would expose your writing to more eyes, because you’d learned the hard way early on that as you get older and better at something, the stuff from the beginning… starts to look a lot different than you remember.

things you used to be proud of after having completed them in the moment, were something you struggled not to rip to shreds a year or two after you re-found it.

If it weren’t for other writers advising holding onto old work so you can see your progress over time, you’d have probably literally nothing older than one year on your ao3, wattpad, etc…

So when you had the fortunate luck (no it is not unfortunately, you are very happy to be here tbh) to fall headfirst into your video game you’ve been obsessed with lately,

You were not planning on showing them any of your writing.

Why would you, after all? You’ve got the weapons, the artifacts, everything they need to be more powerful. Why would you show them a silly little story you wrote? Fanfic or otherwise, not that theyll recognize any characters besides themselves, but still.

Alhaitham, bc ofc it was alhaitham, cocky, deviously aware bastard he is, caught you writing in your spare time first.

You’d gotten your hands on an old journal (if made you feel better than something completely new, a nice worn leather journal, sold at a secondhand shop from an old adventurer) and had started to write what you could remember about some of your ideas you’d had drafts for in your old world

After initially walking in on you writing in the House of Daena (it was the closest you could get to lofi girl, god u missed her lmao), you nearly jumped a foot in the air bc Haitham’s a nosy bitch and leaned over your shoulder and scared the absolute shit out of you, mans goes from asking politely, to begging you to let him read some of your writing over the course of 3 weeks (a month really)

Finally, after this 6 ft (about 180cm) man leans down one day (you’re sitting writing again), and gives you the most insanely good?? puppy dog eyes??? you’ve ever seen on a man???

you give in, revise a draft about 5 times in a row, lose sleep bc ur having a breakdown about alhaitham judging ur writing the night before you give him his copy-

and hand over a small short story for him to read. you specifically leave a little note not to judge you so hard for Haitham bc u werent used to people reading ur work/let alone someone as highly academic as him, ESPECIALLY since your speech is already so much more archaic than his/all of Teyvats-

His stupid green eyes with diamonds look into your soul (are they sparkling??) and he braces your shoulders after you give him his copy,

“Mine Greatest Guide, you hath deemed this one worthy of thy trust of your creations personally, I would be a fool to gaze upon it in jest. To take this work as anything less than a masterpiece in its infant stages.”

…you just leave him to it, and are nearly running out of there (u managed to be calm enough to just speedwalk),

and you make a point to not ask what he thought about it, or even bring it up at all

you’re kind of hoping he forgot tbh… and so nothing happens!

◇

Nothing happens… for 2 weeks after you gave Haitham a copy of your short story.

You still don’t know Alhaitham’s opinion when you see the advertisement, a sign saying something about, a new book? By YOU???

You nearly start a mob because the shopkeeper insisted you sign some copies, but you only signed a few before too many people overwhelmed you, and seeing it was that same draft- !! Oh god, you’d been agonizing over the spelling errors you’d missed when you gave it to Alhaitham, and now it’s just out there???

(luckily it seems the reviews are positive, but dammit you’ve been rereading ur story u gave him for days, and now ur positive it’s shit-)

You make a break for it, and are literally running (more like speed-walking after a while, since u got further away) thru Sumeru City:

you pass by the open patio of a restaurant, the scholars are heatedly discussing ur characterization-

you pass by Dehya, Candace, and Dunyazard, the merc is waving around a copy of ur book, the other two women look excited abt the conversation-

oh my god-

Nahida is relaxing in one of the many little gazebos thruout Sumeru, while Wanderer seems to be reading your story to her-

You fucking track down Alhaitham’s house like a bloodhound.

You are banging the infamous gay roommates’ front door, panting til ur throat burns raw.

“Yes, yes, alright, greetings to you too! I was simply visiting the Acting Grand Sage Alhaitham, tis why I’m here- Greatest Lord?!”

Kaveh is nearly jumps a foot in the air at the sight of you, but recovers, (you’re still not tho lmao)

and invites you in bc apparently, Alhaitham’s been meaning to talk to you about your draft you gave him!

Oh yeah, you’ve got some words to give Haitham after giving him that damn draft privately-

But when he sees you, the fucker just- smiles??

Like he’s done nothing wrong???

You’re about to tear into him when he speaks first to tell you the good news!

He grabs your hands at the table and gets down on one knee, ohhhh no.

Alhaitham is giving you those damn begging puppy dog eyes again.

“My Greatest Lord, Giver of Power, and Guide to All, your exquisite story has entranced all of Teyvat, might I please insist you write a sequel? It is an excellent literary piece to analyze… or perhaps, even better, share other stories you’ve written??”

…

….Motherfucker.

☆

Hello I’m alive! I just took a longer-than-usual break between posts from those last 2 mammoth pieces about gifts,

1: bc they were a lot to write in between writing other stuff like fanfics im already working on lol 2: I got busy with holidays and trying to apply to jobs!

Not that I’m still not doing that.. but you get what I mean!

Safe Travels Anon,

That being said, as you’ve probably noticed, I’ve made a kofi! so if you ever liked my writing (hot mess it is) and want to show me some love, feel free to leave a tip! :]

Iced coffee?? :0

💀♒

☆

♡the beloveds♡

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist / @thedevioussmirk / @the-dumber-scaramouche

[venusvxen]

Trusting In Your Inner Change

One thing that rlly used to fuck me up when I would attempt to shift states is seeing the “opposite” even after I changed my internal dialogue.

I would be so upset because I mean it when I say I rlly would not ruminate on a circumstance. It would be times when i would really forget about 100% and not think about it. I would not be in my head thinking about how i’m gonna manifest it away or anything like that yet it would still be there in my 3D and sometimes worse…

Then to make matters worse I would go on twitter and see threads about “if you’re still seeing the opposite it’s because you’re identifying with it somehow” and be so confused and feel like shit because yeah there’s truth to that but also.. bro… i’m so serious when I say that I really would not be thinking or dwelling on these circumstances at all… like at all… it would just make me feel like shit.

I would pick my mind apart trying to find what went wrong and why that shit is still there and would feel discouraged because it’s like “okay…. i don’t think about it like that during the day at all.. so even if i do do all this what’s to say that it’ll go away completely”…

Then after a while I just decided to start being stubborn about my inner change. Meaning that even if it looks like nothing is working and everything is spiraling out of control and problems are only getting worse, I still remain faithful to my new assumptions and don’t spiral everytime I see something “bad” and assume that that means i’m not doing it right.

Seeing the opposite would rlly trip me up and make me believe all my progress is for naught because i’m doing something wrong and I must not be on the right path if the opposite is STILL persisting in my 3D… like right now as I write this post actually…

But… I decided to tell myself that as soon as I shift states the 3D instantly conforms. It may not be in the way i expect, but judging after appearances is controlling the How.

Sure things may look bad,, and sure I may get really anxious looking at some things and feel like they’re never gonna change.. but telling myself that everything is going according to plan makes me feel way better and less anxious and helps me stay on the right path as opposed to the constant starting over when I would feel like im doing something wrong when i would see “the opposite”.

Maybe this “bad” thing is simply apart of the bridge of incidents to take me to my desire which I assume is the case anyway since the world has to match my assumption of self.

I know my assumption of self inside is lovely as illustrated by the euphoric feeling i feel everytime i re enter the state and fulfill myself ((for fun)) so i choose to let that be my validation and basis of progress as opposed to what the 3d shows me.

I know better than anyone how frustrating it feels to really be doing the work but the 3D shows you the opposite and i know better than anyone how isolating and infuriating it is when everyone just assumes it’s because you’re still ruminating on the old story inside and haven’t shifted states when sometimes you really have forgot about it all along and don’t think about it as much.

Be stubborn about your change. Put your foot down. say NO, I HAVE CHANGED. If your name is X but someone calls you Z, you’re not gonna ransack your brain and wonder why they’re calling you that and gaslight yourself into believing that they’re calling you that because you identified with that name somewhere along the lines.

Maybe, instead of the circumstance showing up because you identified with it, it’s popping up because it’s a part of the bridge of incidents.

Trust in that as opposed to undermining all your growth and inner work. Don’t let your very real inner change be undermined and questioned just because of what the 3D says. Trust in self not the mirror. Don’t let the mirror tell you you’re something you say you’re not.

You know who you are inside. Trust everything is working out exactly as it should even if it’s painful at times. Trust everyone is playing their roles exactly as they should.

In any case that’s all I have to share today. I shared this because I just saw something rlly annoying in the 3D. Hope this helps 🫡

[asteroidzzzn]

dance, baby! | part 2

pairing: dancer!reader x soccer!ellie

warnings: cursing, reader is still delulu and very anxious

word count: 1.9k

a/n: hi here is part 2 yayyyyy! im rlly excited i think this is cute :')

summary: ellie williams showed up to the nutcracker to watch you, which caused you to get distracted and fall. unfortunately for you, she's decided to make a habit of getting you flustered on stage.

༊*·˚

"would it be weird to invite her though?"

"dude, you know she's gonna go anyways. she's like, obsessed with you."

"ugh, i don't know..."

you sat on your bed with jade, who was annoyed with your overthinking, convinced that ellie liked you back, while you were debating whether or not to invite ellie to your upcoming dance show.

you had told jade about the small crush you formed shortly after you realized what you felt. it didn't take long for you to fall for her. she was so funny and kind, and your heartbeat never failed to quicken when she would ramble about something she was interested in with a massive grin.

since she went to see the nutcracker back in december, the two of you spent nearly every day together, especially during winter break. in february, you told her you were accepted to choreograph your very own piece for the upcoming spring showcase, which prompted her to hug you tightly, telling you how you would do amazing.

that was one of the many things you loved about her. she knew just what to say all time to ease your nerves before you ever told her you were nervous. she could see right through you.

one thing you wished she didn't see, though, were the fleeting glances and rosy cheeks from each time her hand grazed yours for a moment too long.

you fell back on your bed, face in your hands.

"i mean, i think my dance is good. it's just... she's gonna watch it knowing that i made it.

jade blinked. "what's so bad about that?"

you let out an exasperated sigh. "it's like asking someone to read your essay. actually, asking a whole class. it's so nerve racking. everyone in the room will have an opinion on something i choreographed."

"oh, how dare people perceive you."

you chuckled. "yeah, how dare they. you know what? i'll just do it."

you typed out a message to ellie inviting her to the spring showcase in a moment of short-lived boldness.

jade had to click send for you.

on the day of the show, you sat in the dressing room applying makeup for the first piece you danced in. you wore a beautiful pink flowing dress which looked like rose petals, and you put gold glitter on your eyelids.

the dance was about how love can come unexpectedly. your favorite part was when each dancer ran across the stage, searching for their parter. once the partners were all together, the music crescendoed, and you performed a beautiful partnering section. your instructor made it for her wife and named the piece love is love.

the dance you choreographed was also heavily focused on partnering. you were given five dancers to work with, so one was left without a partner. they reached into nothing, while the people with partners disregarded each other, taking what they had for granted.

it ended with the lone dancer falling to her knees, with a spotlight shining on her, and the partners walking away in the darkness.

jade was the only person you trusted to watch the dance before it went to the stage. she loved it, but, no matter how much praise she gave you, nausea still washed over you as you made your way backstage to talk to your dancers one final time before your piece became known to the world.

you gathered the five and huddled together in the wings.

"ok guys, you're gonna do great. i've loved working with you, and thank you for making my vision come to life," you giggled softly as the girls hugged you, whispering promises to perform their best for you.

you sat and watched the dance, occasionally peeking at the audience to see their reactions. it was difficult to read most people in the room, but you could obviously tell ellie loved it, from the way she was attentively watching. she knew it was yours, because there was large text projected on the screen behind the stage stating your name and the title of your dance before the lights faded in.

you found yourself smiling wider than you would like to admit at the fact she was sitting in the front row, again.

once the dance concluded, the audience gave a large applause. everything went perfectly. you couldn't stop showering your dancers with praise for their performance.

shortly after, it was time for love is love. you met up with your partner you entered stage with backstage. you took multiple deep breaths with your eyes closed, clearing your mind.

your partner squeezed your hand. she could sense your anxiety from the way your hand trembled in hers. you were worried you would fall from the lift the two of you always struggled with.

you weren't sure you'd survive the embarrassment of falling in front of ellie (and a massive crowd, but they didn't matter as much) again.

"we got this," your partner whispered, and you flashed her a quick apprehensive smile. you entered stage during the blackout and sat down as the audience cheered in anticipation.

against your better judgement, once your head rose, your eyes found ellie's. next time you would have to tell her to sit in the back of the house. wear glasses, perhaps. she was too pretty for her own good.

you quickly turned away, and your partner guided you up. she gripped your arm and waist, pulling you onto her shoulder. you held your breath. wobbled slightly.

but you stayed.

you swiftly rolled off of her back and landed, taking her hand and running off for the next partner to enter. there was slight applause for the stunt, and quite a loud wooo! stood out from the front row.

you reentered the stage to complete the exhausting group section, eventually falling to the floor in a clump with the others, breathing heavily, holding each other close.

your gaze shifted to the audience a final time before exiting. ellie and the two people on either side of her had slipped away. you chose to push that to the back of your mind for now. you walked out during the blackout, panting as you made your way to the dressing room to grab water.

jade's yellow dress flowed as she ran up behind you, gripping your shoulders and almost tipping you over. you let out a slight squeal as she laughed, wrapping her arms around your neck.

"that was the best run we've ever done, oh my god! and your lift with marcie was so good!"

you giggled, "i know right! now get off of me, you're so sticky and sweaty, and i really need to get some water."

jade gripped your arm so you couldn't escape her hold. "actually, let's go outside to get some fresh air real quick."

"can i at least get my water first?"

"uh, no this is really important," she ushered you to the back door to enter the parking lot.

your eyebrows furrowed with confusion. "we could've gone out the side door, why are we all the way back..." your words fell short at the sight in front of you.

you recognized dina and jesse as ellie's friends, who stood giggling behind a very red ellie williams, holding out pink flowers to you. matching your costume, again. it was sickeningly sweet.

you approached her as she began speaking with a very noticeable quiver in her words.

"uh, ignore them," she gestured to dina and jesse, "i couldn't bribe them out of not being here."

you chuckled nervously, glancing back at jade. she threw up a thumbs-up with a giddy smile.

ellie cleared her throat before speaking again. "i was wondering if you... wanted to... go out with me? sometime? y'know, like a date...? we, uh, thought it would be kinda fitting to ask after a dance called love is love, cause, yeah. by the way, you were beautiful, it was so-"

you cut her adorable rambling short by wrapping your arms around her, whispering, "yesyesyes," into her neck.

she hugged you in return, nearly lifting you off the ground with how tight she was pulling you in. when you separated, the both of you wore beaming expressions.

jade suddenly punched your shoulder. "i literally told you she liked you back!"

dina folded her arms behind ellie, lifting a smug eyebrow. "yeah, so did i."

you and ellie flushed at the revelation you had been hopelessly pining over each other. despite that, words couldn't describe how ecstatic you felt that ellie reciprocated your feelings. you were over the moon.

she handed you the bouquet. "i should go, i don't wanna miss more of the show."

"yeah, i'll see you later," you pressed a quick kiss to her cheek, leaving her with a small mark from your red lipstick. once you reached the dressing room inside you immediately grabbed jade, pulling her into a hug and jumping up and down.

"oh my god oh my godohmygod!"

jade indulged your giddiness, jumping along with you as you squeeled. little did you know, ellie was doing the same exact thing, just outside the door.

༊*·˚

near the beginning of may, ellie had a huge game coming up. and what good of a girlfriend would you be if you didn't try your absolute hardest to embarrass her?

ellie situated herself into her position on the field, where she was a midfielder, whatever that was.

was this how clueless she felt while watching you dance? she joked around about how she could never understand the silly dance terminology, and she insisted you were submitting yourself to torture when you told her you're actually standing on your toes in pointe shoes.

you watched the girls run around the field, cheering when the crowd did, even though you had no idea what had just happened.

after a few minutes, your team got a goal.

"hell yeah! let's go!" you whooped among the crowd, catching the attention of ellie. you waved at her, smiling. she seemed surprised you were there, attempting to mouth something at you, but she was rudely interrupted by a girl from the opposite team shoving her out of the way.

you snorted at the way she stumbled, catching your eyes one more time before running after the girl.

you hadn't told you you'd be showing up since you had a dress rehearsal for the upcoming competition, but you wouldn't miss any of her games for the world.

she caught up to the girl, swerving expertly around her and directing the ball to the opposite side, taking a risk and kicking it as hard as she could, and she scored.

"that's my girl!" you shouted loudly, clapping for her as her teammates ran up to her, high-fiving and celebrating.

despite all the attention she was getting from her team, her eyes were glued to you, her biggest cheerleader.

nothing in the world could compare to the way she looked at you once she found you in the bleachers after the game.

"hi," you giggled into her hair as she rushed up and pulled you into a hug, spinning you around. "you were amazing!"

"you're amazing," she muttered before kissing you. after a few moments she pulled away, still out of breath from the game. "i thought you had a dress rehearsal to be at right now?"

you pushed a piece of her hair that had stuck to her forehead away from her eyes. "well yeah, but you're more important than a dress rehearsal, i already know my dances like the back of my hand. and i told mrs. morgan i was gonna show up late anyways," you glanced over her shoulder to see her team beckoning her to come over.

you pressed your hands on her chest, pushing away slightly. "your team wants you over there, and i should head out now."

"ok," she pecked your lips and began backing away. "have fun at dance, baby! love you!" she called from over her shoulder.

"i love you, too els," you grinned brightly.

you were the luckiest girl in the world.

༊*·˚

a/n: yayy im so happy with how this turned out!! (*^▽^*) btw i know nothing about soccer besides the things i've seen my little sister do when she plays so,,,,,, apologizes if i said something dumb ikik. again feedback is rlly appreciated bc im kinda sorta new to writing, anything helps! tysm for reading!! hope u enjoyed this :)

tags: @ximtiredx

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

some of y’all might’ve noticed that like 90% of the shit i reblog lately is tagged just “#tag later” and this is bc my new job has me working three 12hr overnight shifts a week and this leaves me too exhausted to tag things correctly. i started doing this back in like october-november when i was working AND going to school and was basically doing 52 hrs of work a week and i started tagging the wrong characters and shit and ppl would point it out and i was like aw FUCK. so i started tagging shit “tag later” with the idea that when i stopped having to do these hellish 52hr weeks i’d be less exhausted and i could go through that tag and fix everything. however with my new job there isn’t rlly an end in sight, this is just my life now (and fwiw i rlly like it even if my tagging game is slipping, i love my job). i’ve been tagging stuff “tag later” pretty consistently and i’m starting to think that maybe Employed Jess just can’t keep up w the combo of 1. Having A Full Time Job, 2. my insane tagging system, and 3. my obsessive need to see Every Single Post On My Dashboard. so my options are:

give up on the tagging system altogether (genuinely can’t imagine doing this. reblogging stuff with no way to sort it into categories??? the fuck?????? that’s fucking insane to me. i think i’d get so anxious abt my blog being an infinite unsortable jumble of ofmd posts that i’d delete my whole blog in a panic one night)

simplify the tagging system somewhat (somewhat more doable but also the difference between my old tagging system and my new tagging system on different posts would still drive me fucking insane)

try to get over my anxiety about Seeing Every Single Post and just focus on actually tagging things correctly when i go to reblog them (this one is fun bc if i actually manage to conquer this neurosis then i can finally follow back the dozens of rlly cool ofmd blogs that im only not following bc i’m weird abt how i use tumblr. however i think what would be more likely to happen is i would follow everyone and then still be anal abt seeing every post, but now my dash would be functionally infinite and then i’d be wasting even more time scrolling on tumblr trying to catch up on my dashboard during work or when i’m supposed to be sleeping. and then i’d have to unfollow ppl to stop my life from falling into chaos and i’d feel rlly bad)

seriously limit my time on tumblr just in general and try to focus more on other hobbies in my free time (dgmw there would still be a lot of ofmd in my life i’d just be doing more, like, catching up on fics i’ve been meaning to read or something. maybe even writing more of my own fics??? that sounds fake to me but who knows)

just keep doing what i’m doing and maybe i’ll get better at the whole “work life balance” thing and i’ll be less exhausted all the time and i’ll finally be able to catch up on tagging everything

[dread-and-despair-dyke]

[das crazy do u also get like the depressive part of bipolar sometimes then

also are u the same anon who talked about being on meds..? either way if ur on meds, have those made u more/less manic/depressed do u think... idk if im asking too much but im curiousss]

Im the same anon. Well its kinda complicated bc before I was on meds, I was depressed almost all the time for maybe a year or two? Like a rlly long depressive period. And now every now and then I get that really strange manic state. I do know that ssris can cause mania in bipolar ppl. Usually I feel pretty normal now that I'm on meds but every now and then (like twice a month for a few days each) I get a very anxious kinda paranoid energetic feeling where I feel like confessing to everybody. Idk maybe I should give an emoji to myself to be identified

- 🍱 bento box anon. Yum

sorry its been a whole month idk why i didnt post...

mental illnesses and medications are so complex and complicated.. im glad the ssris are working for u though and .it reminds me, i need to call my doc today to ask about taking new ones lol

i want bupropion.. wellbutrin.. whatever u call it... they wont give it to me but its worth a shot

bento box anon is cute, ill remember u now :)

[empathum]

Hi! I missed the chance of being able to get the if you could see the sun preorder bonus so, if you’re able to, would there be any way you could be able to summarise it?? The book was so good and I literally can’t stop thinking about it!!

Hi! Sure! It’s no problem, I’d be happy to :)

FIRST PART

‘BEFORE’

It’s in Henry’s pov of one of him and Alice’s classes, they have this history quiz for extra credit and they have to choose teams and people are like fighting over who gets Henry and Alice, they end up in separate teams and the extra credit quiz becomes just them trying to beat each other (bc obviously) but the thing is, the whole time Henry’s thinking about how he loves this, the way Alice glares at him gives him butterflies and if winning against her was the only way she would focus on him and only him then so be it. Their competitions, no matter how little or big it is, means a lot to him. This part also shows how much respect he has for Alice, and also let me show this part “She strides over to him first, her shoulders thrown back, determined not to bend beneath the weight of her defeat. He does not think anything in the world will ever be powerful enough to knock her down.” MY HEART

SECOND PART

DURING

This mentions how Henry has a photographic memory, and that he uses his brain like he does any computer, filtering and filing away the ones that dont matter to him and saving the ones that do, and he mentions that its mostly of alice. like her simple gestures, her scowl, her laughter. it also mentions like the first part of the book where invisible alice visits him in his dorm for the first time, he thought he was hallucinating because he was thinking of her too much! whsbwbseib then skips to that making of the app, how he spent countless sleepless nights perfecting it bc it would make them business partners, therefore getting close to her. he imagines her secret smiles, that she might compliment him and tell him he did a good job, and that is more than enough motivation for him.

then time-skip to another part of the book, the part where Alice is so stressed bc of the countless requests on beijing ghost and her academic responsibilities that when she was about to present something for english she excuses herself to calm down first, henry follows her shortly after and sees her panicking. henry obvi wanted to comfort her but resorted to looking like he was teasing her, which did kind of work bc she ended up angry rather than anxious. here henry admits that theres a part of him that just wants to hold her close and comfort her. then henry tells alice when she’s presenting she should look at him. then she’s like “why would i do that?” and he’s like “because for one my face is nice to look at” then she’s like sarcastic “sure” and he steps forward and is like “are you saying it isnt?” he says like he’s not the one who’s heart is beating rlly fast then like some more teasing then like they agree to it and she delivers the presentation looking at him and he thinks that she’s perfect. (im telling u all henry is the biggest simp)

LAST PART

AFTER (after the events of the book! yay!)

Henry has a nightmare. That last part of the book but instead it was Alice trying to be taken away and like he’s panicking and trying to save her then like they have this exchange of words and you can just feel how panicky he is. then dream alice says nobody can see her and henry says its not true because he sees her then dream alice starts to disappear and he starts calling out to her, shouting her name over and over then he wakes up. He was in his private library, before falling asleep he was there with alice and they were just reading with alice threading her fingers through his hair and him pretending to read and he got sleepy bc of it. which is odd for him because he never takes naps, especially if its accidental, but alice makes him feel relaxed 🥹❤️. so yeah he searches for alice and finds her just beside him she asks if he’s okay bc she heard that he was saying her name in his sleep, his response was to hug her and ask her to not disappear again. and then alice makes a confession about how she too gets nightmares about that night, then she says when she wakes up she’s okay because she knows he’s there, so everythings going to be okay <3

This is the part where it switches to alice’s pov again and like theyre on a study date, well alice assumed it was a study date, henry wanted a date date lmao, alice tries to make it up to him and says they should do some romantic stuff and like this funny part where she points out a store with a bunch of hearts and she says that that place looks romantic and henry says that its a lingerie shop, he of course laughs at her (tho he tries to hide it) henry then suggests they should just have dinner. then like on the way to the restaurant, theyre already abt to go in when they bump into alice’s aunt and her friends and like one of her aunt’s friends saw henry, confirmed he was rich, and tried to set him up with her daughter, which he henry thought was funny (this is in alice’s pov but like she just knows) alice speaks up and says henry is her boyfriend, lin ayi (aunt’s friend) said like an offensive ‘you?’ then henry says that he fell for alice first slightly colder than before (henry mad but calm) then they were abt to go in when lin ayi heard they were going to eat in the vip section and subtly suggests (if you could even call it subtle) if they (the 3 aunties) could join, henry gives the choice to alice and alice agrees. henry and alice walk in holding hands and henry starts pulling a chair for alice to sit down on, and henry whispers “how have i been?” like how has his ‘performance’ been because he knows alice wants to show him off, like a subtle counterattack to that lin ayi, he says he’s happy to oblige and wants to know if he’s performing up to standard (his words not mine), alice says (a lil annoyed but not tone) “you’ve been very good. happy?”

this is his legit response i had to share the whole paragraph.

henry confirmed golden retriever type in private black cat in public.

and because he’s happy alice praised him he even says he’ll treat the aunties. lin ayi pretends to be ashamed (is still the first one to order very plenty and expensive food) (god, lin ayi annoyed me sm) okay and theres the dinner and stuff then she asks if henry can drink, he’s legal so yeah he can, she even tries to pressure alice into drinking, henry says he’ll drink for her. then theres this drinking competition of henry and the aunties. of course henry would not back out. so yeah this happens and lin ayi (now obviously drunk) brings up her daughter again (she just never gives up) and asks if he’s sure he’s in a committed relationship and that theyre still young and they (alice & henry) can break up, when that happens and stuff her daughter is available (like alice isnt sitting right there). then henry completely shuts her down by saying he’s certain that she’s in a committed relationship, he’s never been certain of anything more in his life, and that if they were to ever be separated he would not be of sound heart or mind to even look at anybody else. then someone calls on lin ayi’s phone and she leaves and theyre finally alone (2 aunties r elsewhere a while ago). so yeah henry wins the drinking game, once all aunties were gone he finally lets go of his act and slumps and YES DRUNK HENRY

He says like “I won” with a smile. shes like “uh sorry what r u trying to achieve here?” and hes like “you havent told me yet” shes like “told you what” and alice is like confused lmao, and henry pouts POUTS then like more cute stuff im sorry im not going into too much detail im missing a bunch of stuff out then like henry begins to say his recent achievements to her like how he’s one of the reasons his dads company like rising revenue, how he was one of the ppl invited to talk at this big event and he’s the youngest one there, and he says “you’re not impressed?” and alice finally realizes what he wants to hear her say, then alice like chuckles and says “henry, come on. i’m always impressed by you.”

then she takes him to the car and helps him in he asks, looking more sleepy than drunk, “you’re coming, aren’t you? you won’t leave?” (he’s so cute ejdjen) then some exchanging of words then he starts getting a little clingy and says “alice i miss you, i miss you now.” “but i’m here.” “i know. that’s when it’s worse, almost. your presence… it’s overwhelming. i cannot imagine the absence of it. i don’t want to. does that make sense?” then alice strokes his hair and says “it does. but i won’t give you the chance to miss me that much. i’ll always be with you. you know that, don’t you?” then henry says with a small soft smile “i know everything.”

AND THATS A WRAP PEOPLE i obviously didnt include absolutely everything since this is already too long but like i didnt include some cute parts so i am sorry auwbswbsb like the mention of henry’s 18th bday (like literal mentioned in the after part in the drinking scene) like how alice made henry’s bday memorable. MY HEART. okay yeah thats it i hope this is okay hehe

[zeltqz]

what really got me with the clueless reader troupe was this tr fanfic i read a long time ago where the reader was supposed to be a bimbo and was with one of the characters (dont remember who) and he asked her to show the group how to do certain sexual acts and she didnt know what they meant so he taught her in front of the group while they all watched and she was telling him how it was embarrassing and she felt uncomfortable and he was like "this is whats supposed to happen ur fine" and she was like "oh okay :)" and went through with it and that was where my hatred truly formed for this troupe

Sometimes I rlly fucking hate how ppl portray bonten in fics like yes they’re a criminal organisation that partakes in illegal acts like gambling and prostitution but it doesn’t mean they themselves are r@pists. I swear out of all of the bonten fics I’ve read only two of them had 0 sexual assault in them and were written so well that it felt like I was reading sumn thing straight out of true crime.

I LOVE those fics were they focus more on BONTEN and their plans and all that crap instead of the reader just being taken advantage of, they make me itch those ones I cannot read it.

There’s nothing more I hate than mischaracterisation of characters omg it gets my blood boiling. I’m not talking abt headcannons im talking about those where they spread misinformation about characters on purpose and go against the characters entire idealism and morals

Bonten fics especially love to paint Sanzu as some weird junkie r@pist too like I’m sorry to break it to u Sanzu is a virgin we all know it. That man doesn’t have the charisma or charm in CANON (not fanon) to get multiple girls. I also think he has low self esteem and He’d be super embarrassed about his scars and thinks girls will find them unattractive so he doesn’t bother putting himself out there in the dating scene.

I want to see more of that Sanzu. we all know Sanzu in bonten time line has issues and of course he’s a red flag but not in the sense where he’d SA you if u tried to leave him. He’d just be overly obsesssive to the point it’s suffocating but you won’t be able to leave him because ur scared he’d do something to himself and he knows that you know he will do something which is why he’s confident you won’t leave him.

The fact he’s canonically the clingiest too means SO MUCH to his character and makes sense with the way he was growing up

Sometimes bonten fics can be a hit or miss honestly

Speaking of bonten Sanzu thwres this one fic on ao3 that’s honestly my fave Sanzu fic ever to exist because of the way they characterised him. They made him so anxious and nervous but uses drugs like xanax to cover it up and maintain a front. As much as I despise the druggie Sanzu headcanon they actually made it make sense and I love it so much I read it like every other week when i can

Read this if u have the time💞

[sttoru]

hi anya.. i saw you talking abt being good at giving advice to ppl, so,, wld you mind giving me some advice..?

rant: i've been an anon for this person for a while and, not so long ago, i came out of anon to talk to them on priv, bcs they said they wouldn't be active anymore, and they told me i could talk to them on priv, if i wasn't uncomfy.

i did take up that offer, bcs i rlly wanted to keep in touch. but, they make 0 effort to talk to me. i'm always the one sending the first message. they never reach out first. and every conversation consists of like, 3 messages from each of us, talking about our lives, then we don't talk for months until i reach out again.

now, they announced they would be active again, and they're back to posting, but they just won't send me a message. i don't know if i'm being pushy and annoying by wishing they would talk to me. idk if i'm uninteresting, or if they're anxious or forgetful, or what.

it's just been very one-sided and instead of making us closer (like i thought it would) it feels like it's driving us apart. the last time we talked was in march. when i sent them a happy birthday message. i haven't send anything ever since. and neither did them (as always). i saw them as a friend, but i don't think they care about me at all.

anyway: what do i do?? do i try and talk to them about it? (what if they're just busy and i'm overthinking??) do i ignore them forever, just as they have been ignoring me? do i send them an ask instead and act like i've never been out of anon? help.

haiii anon! im glad you decided to reach out to me w this ^_^ thank u & i hope i can be of help with the following advice below ! (i actually typed more than i intended bcs it hit home hehdnsnsnd)

first of all; i applaud u for being brave & coming off anon to keep in touch with that person! a lot feel too uncomfy to do so even if they desperately want to keep in contact with someone, so i feel proud, if i can word it in that way ahsha

soooo let’s start;

if i read this correctly: when you actually begun to reach out privately to that person, you are always the first one that tries to strike up a conversation. you feel like they could be uninterested in you & don’t consider you a friend like you do.

i’m sorry to hear that— especially the ‘reaching out first part’, because it can be super uncomfortable and could understandably make you overly anxious (like thinking they aren’t interested, are ignoring you on purpose, don’t want you talking to them or they’re uncomfy talking to u etc etc. it can cause a lot of anxious thoughts. that i get & it can be extremely upsetting).

this is also a huuuge problem i’m struggling with. you are NOT pushy or annoying for wanting them to reach out to you out of their own initiative. i think every one who struggles with this can agree with me and guarantee you that.

why? because feeling like your friendship is one-sided is not how most work out. that’s how most friendships FALL out instead, like you had stated yours was at the end.

march is a long time ago. the fact that they are active & posting means they are on their socials & are checking their dms etc etc. to say that they’re forgetful is really doubtful, because march is MONTHS ago & i’m sure that if they cared about your friendship — they for sure would’ve thought of at least reaching out to you once in all those months (as harsh as that might sound).

but, they didn’t — it shows that this is indeed very one sided. of course, as a busy person myself i could look at the other side of the story as well: maybe they could be busy or they could be anxious about reaching out first too!

i know people who do, at least. but the difference is that those people i know (who are anxious of reachig out first) always make an effort to keep the conversation going once i msg them. they are interested, send me random stuff & the convos can go on and on without stopping for hours because they put effort into continuing the convo i started.

now that is considered two-sided to an extent as well. but reading that your convo’s are short & usually only 3 messages back and forth — i’m… feeling a bit iffy. if they were anxious about reaching out first, but were still interested in talking with you, they would at least make the effort to appreciate you starting the convo & continue it. so, i personally don’t think they’re forgetful or anxious.

that rules out any more possibilities to be honest. the moment you said that they havent ever reached out first made me already go ‘well…’ in my head. and its been months since you last talked. if they wanted to continue your friendship like you want, they would’ve put in the same effort as you (or at least tried once or twice to show their interest). judging by your explanation of the story, i don’t think they want to put effort in talking further with you.

which—is not your fault, maybe not even theirs. some friendships aren’t meant to work out. maybe they aren’t feeling it? maybe they don’t feel the ‘click’, you know? once again, not your fault at all! it happens to me every time — and it even happens to the best of us.

as someone who’s been in this situation for over ten times in different ‘failed’ friendships, i say let them go. maybe see where it leads you. i don’t think they will reach out to you first since march was the last time you talked without you taking the initiative, but just let it go. if they at least want to keep the convo or spark between you alive, they’d reach out themselves.

as anxious as one can be about reaching out first, if they desperately want to feel a connection between the other person, they would find a way to do it. like maybe a simple ‘hi’ in dms or indirect post on dash.

but it’s also valid that you want to continue what yall had. if you choose to want to reach out again; here’s a different & more positive solution / piece of advice:

send them one message filled with your worries and feelings about your situation. don’t make it too long (could be a bother to read, might make you seem a bit too desperate to them?) — but also maybe not too short.

this could be included;

• ask them how they’ve been lately.

• out your feelings about the situation briefly (abt reaching out first).

• simply ask for a clarification. don’t demand it! ask if they maybe would like to continue talking.

wait & check their response to that message and be critical! if they ignore completely, red flag. if they’re dismissing your feelings, red flag. if they say ‘i forgot’ or ‘i was busy’, understandable, but see if they actually make an effort to reach out to you afterwards. if not—stop putting in the effort and let go (saying this in the nicest way possible. it avoids any more heart break / anxiousness, i promise)

though, it may also be your last message to them if they say that they don’t feel the same (aka dont wanna continue talking), so maybe prepare yourself for that too.

anyhow! it’s ok if friendships don’t work out, once again, don’t blame yourself! it hurts, of course, but once you get through the heart break — there are many more possibilities for you to make friends out here.

remember, relationships are the most healthiest when there’s good communication between both parties.

xoxo

[angelslant]

7, 16, 19 <3

7. Any tattoos?

yes!! i have two, both stick and pokes by my friend laine (hi laine if u see this hehe) one says “lost boy” on my arm and the other is a owl petroglyph above my ankle <3 (i love neolithic art and a lot of my future tattoos involve cave paintings or rock carvings) i dont have many super good photos of them bc theyre at angles where they kinda need to be taken by someone else but i love them both dearly and looking at them makes me so so happy. also i want hand tattoos so bad but im restraining myself for now....

16. I will love you if

i am a quality time bitch through and through....if you dont have time for me, i dont have time for u. i love spur of the moment mini-adventures and i love friends who ive talked to every day for years and i love people who remember that we made plans and stick to them. i really like establishing enough consistency that it becomes easy to be spontaneous. also i love grad students who just impart knowledge onto me at random and the people you share art studios with when working late at night and random strangers in public who will hear a ridiculous conversation youre having with a friend and chime in in a funny way

19. A fact about your personality

this one gets a readmore bc of length lmao <3

i think a lot of ppl, sometimes even people somewhat close to me, dont rlly understand how much work i put into being an outwardly kind person lmao, or they dont understand that i do have to put a lot of work into that? i think a lot of times people confuse my anxiety with being like..."oh you look scary but you're actually so nice!" types of things which can be very true but at the same time, a lot of my current friends have not necessarily seen me when i dont put the care in to be kind and instead go with my knee-jerk reaction to situations (which is almost always some form of anger), because i have specifically trained myself out of going with those responses. i have kind of this weird dichotomy where i am a generally pleasant person who is anxious and can be a people-pleaser at times but to me that feels like a very like....surface level version of myself that can be easily cast off if i care enough to? but i think some people see that part of me as like my deep-down vulnerable self, which i dont really find to be true. because to me i think a lot of my people-pleasing is a direct result of the fact that i overcompensate for my anger. but this is hard to explain to people because since i look alternative or whatever, if you sit there and insist like "no no im actually sooooo evil and mean and tough i promise guys!!" it just comes off as ridiculous and try-hard lmao so i havent successfully found a way to be like "hey guys unfortunately none of this is a joke to me and in fact it kept me alive when nothing else would for several years". anyways idk i just sometimes feel like people view my skittishness as something its not or dont really understand that my "~edginess~" is not actually performative because it has a very real basis in my past experiences and generally if someone is willing to grapple with that they will become much closer to me and know me a lot better than if they just brush me off because they dont really take me for my word

[gayspock]

ok im finished with s2 of bsg btw

EVERY TIME I THINK I KNOW HOW BAD GAIUS CAN FUCK UP HE ASTONISHES US ALL. ITS SO FUCKING FUNNY. HES THE FUNNIEST FUCKING CHARACTER EVER TO FUCKING EXIST.

LIKE IVE NEVER... THE WORD CRINGEFAIL? ITS FOR HIM AND ABOUT HIM; DEFINED BY HIM. HOW DOES HE FUCKING MANAGE IT. IM LOSING MY MIND. THIS MAN WILL DOOM US ALL . GOD SPEED

anyways im starting the resistance webisodes rn. a few things. i hope going forward we do get more development for the civilians and again not the same recurring issues ive been bringing up bc NOW i feel like its imperative that theyre well fleshed out if this is taking the direction i think its taking

bc otherwise this whole thing could be exhausting as hell LOL

also cally. her actress is really cute and early on i was endeared to her (bc shes set up as a chara i'd rlly like) but since then its so funny like... they just get her to do whatever the fuck huh. like. she'll shoot sharon or she'll get beat up and now shes married to the chief. ok. right. its so funny like shes existing outside the narrative until they randomly decide to ave her do osme shit

btw i bet if billy was still alive the voter fraud well they would have still been caught no doubt tory fucking rules but it would have been funny if billy was caught instead

ALSO GOD I DONTKNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY MY BRAINS EVERYWHERE LIKE

i dont know how i feel about the cylon storyline right now. i absolutely did really love the caprica six and boomer episode bc theyre my favies BUT im unsure if i like it narratively speaking does that make any sortof sense

again i think its coming from a place of like... hmm... the societal aspects of cylons ALSo has always felt underdeveloped BUT that was more passable under the guise of mystery and NOW i think its one of those things where its like... ahrgh you've tried to put the bad sfx into good lighting and we can see it dont do thattt LOL bc like

i dont know i do worry that the cylons will approach a state of "too human" if that makes sense. like within the story and within their own motivations. i dont quiteknow how to describe it im very tired but its like... I DONT mean discussing how they're like/unalike humans thats FINE but. AHRHGHGHGHGG

YOU KNOW WITH LIKE EVERY AI STORYLINE THERE'S ALWAYS THAT "I'LL NEVER BE AREAL HUMAN

YEAH but then a lot of the time its still done in a very... human way even when theyre trying to reject it and... NOT purposefully its like people cant write an actual inhuman perspective, without assuming some fundamental aspects of human nature. does that make any sense in the world and whatsoever???

anyways i dont know my point is i get a little anxious the more and more aspects of cylons that come to light bc i feel like ive been anticipating A LOT with them with the wa y theyve been stringing us along but yeah theres behaviours like that where im like am i about to get terribly disappointed

speaking of im wondering who he other cylons are in the fleet still bc they mentioned 8 and idk if that meant 8 copies or 8 models and who that counts as but surely there must be some unrevealed did the girlies just pretend thats not a concern or assume it was porkie pies

also also im . very tired all over the place but hmm.im thinking moreso about the nature of the others and i think i brought up last time abt how lee couldnt be a copy bc theyd have to make a line of models identical to him and so and such BUT ehhrm. hm. i still dont think lee is one but i do wonder if like... the order of their numbers is significant that maybe like. there are later/newer models thatmight be unique or are working to be replicas of existing people rather than just .. whatever is occurring with them rn

alsog od what else

roslin is so girlboss funny for just becoming a teacher again

what else

idk

im tired

i'llremember whatelse later<3

[sleevesareforlosers]

happy solstice jordan!! one thing i’m looking forward to for the new year that i’m also kind of terrified about is graduating and finally being done with school! i’m anxious about finding work but i think once i’ve got everything smoothed out and in place i’ll be really happy post-grad!

something i’m bringing forward from this year is the work i’ve put into my art, i really want to keep experimenting and pushing myself and not just letting myself get into a rut. i’ve been experiencing a lot of self-doubt this year with my art especially but i’m proud of the way i’ve been managing my time and the challenges i’ve faced so i want to bring that energy with me into 2023 :}

the weather here has been clear and sunny but pretty cold the last few days! right now it’s like 11 pm and it’s about 30 degrees F outside, so that’s like. -1C? during the day it’s more like 35-40 F. i don’t really care much for the cold so i comment on it every time i go outside BUT it’s still nice and it’s given me a chance to wear my new winter coat which is a very cute puffer jacket!

if i could be anywhere right now i think i would still pick to be home :) one of the things i’m most nervous about with moving out on my own is not being in my home where i’m comfortable and have all my stuff with me the way i like it but mostly about not being around my family so i’m enjoying spending as much time as possible living at home during the breaks and being around pretzel and my parents and siblings. also once i move my friends who live around here aren’t going to be as readily available though others will be so there’s that as well 🤔

definitely i am a serial rewatcher/listener/reader! i like the things i’m comfy with and it’s hard for me to go outside of my comfort zone and experience new things with media especially. i reread a lot of books and i rewatch youtube videos and movies and music. especially shows, i really don’t watch a lot of tv, and when i do watch tv i have a tendency to put on old shows that i’m comfortable with. i make exceptions for star wars shows but that’s it and aside from the mandalorian and andor sw has been very disappointing lately so that’s been tough. i think the one thing that may be an exception is music! while i like relistening to all my favorite bands over and over and over on loop i also really enjoy the experience of finding new music that i enjoy and playing that over and over also :)

i hope you’re having a wonderful day danny i love u!! 💝💝💝

pretzel says hello as well 💕

[ID: a fluffy golden puppy dog lying on a tan corduroy couch, looking into the camera with his paws tucked up. end ID]

happy day after solstice love!! enjoy a longer day today than yesterday

!!!! wah thats so exciting. i cant believe ive known you like. long enough to see you do your entire degree im SO excited + proud of you and im wishing you ALL the best w your postgrad stuff!!

YES its been very clear in the art ive seen that you're putting so much effort into it and its absolutely paying off. cannot WAIT to see where you go from here! ik self doubt is a bitch but you rly are so talented i hope you can keep up your energy w it into the new year and beyond

OUGH! chilly! im glad you have a nice new jacket to keep you all toasty esp if you dont rlly like the cold. and i hope you've got as much hot chocolate as you want to warm up w when you get back inside! ive been drinking sooooo much hot chocolate recently its life changing esp when its cold out

wah thats so sweet. i absolutely understand moving out can be SO intimidating but i hope when you do end up moving you find a place that you can make yours and be just as comfy there as you are at your parents place. and in the meantime! enjoy the being home! give pretzel a BIG BIG kiss for me im saying hello back to him and givin him a good scratch

this answer does NOT surprise me at all and props on being the first person to come down firmly on one side or the other. esp w tv i totally get that <- has been rewatching supernatural unfortunately. its so much more of a time commitment and esp with shows that are just coming out its like. you want a decent payoff for your time + energy investment. like w star wars shows i was SO excited for bobf and then. well. i think i watched like two episodes and then the Thing Happened and i was like 'yeah im not finishing this' but i have heard SUCH good stuff about andor and its done coming out for this season so i just need to sit down n actually watch it.

its nice that new music is easy for you its SUCH a delight to find new music you actually like so im glad that you get to have that!!! anything specific thats been in your playlists recently?

i DID have a wonderful day yesterday i hope you have a good one today!! love youuuu

[jakowskis]

Loved ‘an ugly picture, you & me’ so so much. Srsly I read it like 10 times and still won’t get tired of it. It’s such a great piece of writing. Now my question: Do you already if ur gonna post more Torchwood fanfic?? (no pressure obv, writing is so so hard and I admire everyone who actually manages to finish their stories).

oh my goodness thank you so much 🥺 that means the world to me im so glad you liked it so much

man ok so. heres the thing. djkfds aaa idek how to talk abt this it makes me feel stupid fdshkfj. basically i have dx'd ocd and it affects my writing process a Lot. im exceptionally critical n perfectionistic when it comes to my writing, and when my ocd's at its worse, i can reread things literally hundreds of times. this makes my editing process a fucking nightmare. an ugly picture was... a Journey, i wrote the bulk of it in like a month or two bc i was Inspired, and that period of inspiration just flowing was super nice - but then i spent literally half a year obsessing over editing and figuring out a few sections i couldnt get to work and it was. rlly rlly unhealthy and messy. like that was a stereotypical Mentally Ill Artist™ moment for me 😭 i was unmedicated during that process and honestly im still impressed with myself for managing to finish and post it anyway.

and after posting it... this might not make sense unless u have ocd but that fic is, like, tainted in my head, and im not allowed to touch it as a result. which is RLLY fucking annoying and sad bc i wrote it for Me and it was a labor of love yanno, and i am proud of it, like during writing i was like 'man this is one of the best things ive written, im genuinely proud of this' and ive gotten some absolutely wonderful reception - but i cant exactly place why, idk if it was the torment of the editing process or a fear of experiencing that specific brand of anxiety again (if i reread it and run into errors it might kill me 😭)... either way at this point in time im legitimately unable to revisit that fic. and its been like this since i posted it, so... for nearly five months ;-; and im kind of having a similar experience with torchwood as a whole tbh. like my whole fandom experience + relationship with this fixation has been bastardized to all hell bc of ocd issues. it all feels very... dirty right now.

which fucking sucks, cuz torchwood's one of my fav fixations ive ever had, it became so important to me so fast and it's probably hit special interest territory at this point - but it sucks what a thin line it is between obsessing over a hyperfixation, and compulsively engaging with something. it sucks when the serotonin u get from smth also gets laced with pervasive anxiety. my recent main issue with ocd has been avoidance - i went from obsessively going thru torchwood clips to being unable to watch it at all bc the very thought of doing so makes me so anxious.

(so, tldr? my mental illness garbage is interfering w my interests and my ability to engage with fandom, to my chagrin, and that's why i haven't posted anything else.)

that being said: between april 2023 and now i have written 180k words of torchwood fanfic. im endlessly fascinated and inspired by these characters, particularly by owen who has lowkey proven to be my muse lol. (he sits in my mind palace on top of a, like, literal fancy ass corinthian pedestal and his one job is to sit still n look pretty and sad but instead he snarks down at me every time i walk passed and in return i squirt a water gun at him and occasionally throw tomatoes at him. it's a very mutually loving relationship.) and 180k words in, and literally hundreds of hours spent thinking about and talking about tw/owen, and im still fascinated by it/him, there are still soooo many things i wanna explore through writing with these characters that i adore so much. 57k of the 180k words is part of what will eventually be a sequel series to an ugly picture (which is meant to be a stand-alone, for the record, but towards the end of the writing process i went "Hm. Actually I Have More Ideas", and it became a whole 'verse heh). problem is i dont rmr the fic enough to continue the first sequel and currently i cant revisit it and take notes 🤡 so that project's on hold. as for the other stuff, it's a good mix of misc one-shots and full-on projects, and several things are pretty much done and could, if i were anyone else, easily be polished and posted.

but, as ive made clear, unfortunately writing (well, revising + editing) is an absolute nightmare for me. now, im recently back on medication after nearly two years of rawdogging it, and ive been having issues with that fff (namely constant pervasive exhaustion) - but im working to figure out a happy medium, so im HOPING, hell, praying, that once i level out ill be able to open my docs and sit down and finish things without it being a goddamn ordeal. editing's not rlly fun for anyone, but it fucking sucks when your absolute favorite hobby + mode of expression gets terrorized by a wiggity wack disorder.

first order of business, once im able, is a 15k owen/andy fic that's literally 90% done. i wanted to post it in june, for pride month, and then my brain decided to convince me i wasnt being coherent in the slightest and i was like, nah, i cannot make myself soldier through the editing project this time, i dont want this to get ruined the same way. but hopefully soon i can drop that and it will be epic and such 😎

so in summation uh (sorry im a known babbler fdshk but this is what happens when u send an ask to someone who wrote a 30k fic where literally nothing happens KJFSD. also sorry for literally trauma dumping unprompted 😭 i did the white woman in the kmart thing) ive written a ton of torchwood fic and i 100% intend to write a ton more but mental illness garbage is trying to sabotage shit so basically im taking a break from trying to post any of it until my brain lets me enjoy my damn interest in relative peace 👍but i definitely have a lot more fic on the way. just might take a while for it to see the light of day. hopefully not that long

anyway thank you again so so so much for liking the fic enough to read it multiple times that means so much to meee. i hope to have more for u soon :))

[otgwbgyu]

ig i should start doing full entries again esp bc school’s starting and ill probably being feeling way worse

in chicago like THE big city today. and for the next couple of days. trying to enjoy vacation but summer reading haunts me everywhere i go. it’s so unfair that we have to do school work during the summer. like i’m not gonna become illiterate over the summer…. chill…. but it’s just something i can’t shake and will always worry abt. like during the game i started listening to the audiobook bc i got so anxious over it 💀 ik it’s kinda on me for not reading earlier but like…. the books r mid NOBODY actually wants to read a how-to on reading 😕😕 i do get random bursts of motivation tho when i fantasize abt being a productive, straight-a honors student with a national merit scholarship like my dad, and i also kinda get competitive with my friends. bad for r relationship but good for my grades and sanity for sure

i kinda snapped yesterday too lmao. like i joined call w sarah and she was being so uninterested and unresponsive while begging others to join call and the minute ava joins she’s all happy and conversing. like damn ok?? u can be closer w others but presenting it like that hurts lmfaoo. after 5 min I left bc i just wasn’t having it tbh. it rlly stung and pissed me off

o yeah i finally finished catcher in the rye OMGG… i honestly dunno how to feel about that book. like i get holden but at the same time i dont?? i can be angsty like him but he’s like my angst on steroids. that guy cant find any enjoyment anywhere he goes and it pisses me off. i may seem grouchy and miserable on here but im more friendly irl. remember this is primarily a VENT acc where all my dark thoughts go, the main ones aka the happy ones stay in my head or get shared with others. and hes so pessimistic, not like MY type of pessimistic where i think everything’s gonna fail or go wrong, pessimistic as in everything sucks and theres nothing to enjoy in life. like omg aren’t u just a bundle of sunshine!

i feel bad bc he is just a kid and has trauma, but that doesn’t give him the right to make others miserable. like humanity sucks yeah but u gotta learn to deal w it man. ur not gonna like everyone and not everyone’s gonna like u, it’s just something u gotta live through bc at the end of the day there’s a good bunch of ppl who do care abt u, and that love, even divided, should matter more to u than the hate others feel towards u. bc why r u concerned abt strangers’ hatred and not your own family and friends’ love? but he’s a teen whose mind is clouded by depression and angst, so i can’t be too harsh. and even i catch myself acting like him so it’d be kinda hypocritical. still think he was an asshole sometimes tho, nothing’s changing that

biden dropped out the race in the middle of a baseball game (minor league) mom and i BOLTED and did r research. the democrats r in flamesss 😓😓 republicans next 🤞🤞 glad biden is out, hated his ass, kamala surely will redeem us 🙏🙏🙏 she’s no saint ofc, she’s a politician, but compared to trump she’s jesus the messiah himself. i’d vote her if i could 🥥🥥🥥

[ruu-https]

Class

☆ synopsis. You were a freshman in college and it was your first day, you missed the orientation so you didn’t get a tour of the college and you were now lost. Not knowing where your class is you start to panic and have an anxiety attack when someone comforts you; a sophomore.

☆ notes. m x gn!anxious!reader (at some point I use h/n to refer to the male so you can choose their name) , reader has anxiety, comfort

☆ word count. 477

☆ links. navigation - ask box - taglist - smut prompts - fluff prompts - masterlist

꒰౨ৎ - author's note. tbh, I was going to make this a kiri fic but then I thought of someone I like... sooo I just made it M x GN!reader so yall can imagine it however you want, and if youre male reading this you could just image it’s a female instead if youd rlly like lmfaoo, also yes I said the serotodo fic would be out next but I had this in my notes soo.. (I don’t know how to format any of my writing so if it seems weird to you, sorry..) I wrote this in class after I took my final so its kinda rushed and maybe a little weird cus I was VERY delusional atp... (I know this is not how college works, im basing it off highschool classes so it makes more sense), im not to happy with this but who cares..

It was your first day of college and you already failed to find you first class. You were out of the country when freshmen were given a tour of the college, which in your opinion was way to big. Now you were walking to the stairwell in front of you. 

- 

You walk into the stairwell shaking, tears threatening to fall. You run up the stairs, heading to the roof, the only place you know of in this school. You open the door to the roof and go sit at the corner edge, tears now falling from your eyes. You pulled your hood on and stared at the schedule on your phone. You couldn't find your class and now you don't know what to do, you were having an anxiety attack and you don't know how to make it stop.  

You were so focused on trying to calm yourself down you didn't hear the door to the rooftop swing open and someone come up behind you. 

"Oh, hello," a deep but calm voice said.  

You flinched, not expecting anyone else to be on the roof.  

"You skipping too?" he asked, sitting next to you. That's when he realized you were shaking. "Hey, what's wrong are you okay?" he asked, putting a hand on you shoulder.  

You turn you head away from him, "P-please leave me aalone," you mumble, voice cracking and you silently sob into your arms.  

"No, Im not just gonna leave you to cry alone." he says. You stayed silent, and that's when his arms wrapped around you and pulled you into his chest. "I'm not too sure how to deal with this but I can try. You can push me away if you'd like." he says, one of his hands resting on your lower back, the other playing with your hair.  

Your body stills as he pulls you into his chest, but you soon relax into him, your breathing finally slowing down. "Just listen and try to sync your breathing with mine," he whispers, resting his head on top of yours, continuing to run his hands through your hair as he breathes in deeply and exhaling. 

It took you awhile but you eventually calm down, h/n helping you the whole time and coaxing you through it. Now the bell was about to ring and you had to get to your next class. 

You pull out your phone and look at your schedule, sighing. h/n looks at you and then at your phone, "You need help finding your class?" He asks, looking back at you. You look at him and nod. He stands up and grabs your hand, pulling you to your feet. "Lets go then!" He says, smiling. 

He took you to your class and you made it before the bell rang again, of course he gave you his number before leaving though. 

@ruu-https -----2024 || All rights reserved. Do not repost, re-upload, translate, modify or claim my work as your own.

[blackvail22]

i have to write down what im gonna say to my counselor because i genuinely have to make sure i have all of my thoughts straightened out so i dont blank like i always do

ok

my sister moved out on friday and saturday. it feels easier than last time, but it still doesnt feel right. like, i look at my clock when it's almost 4 and i think "oh, my brother will be home soon" and then it reaches 5 and im like "oh, my sister will be home soon" but they never arrive. its a sad realization every time but... yeah. i hung out with my sister and her friend on friday when my sister started moving. her friends personality is very... big, loud, but she can't help it so i dont mind it. my mood went from reserved -> opening up -> starting to be myself -> shut down. like, i was fine until i jokingly said "you have friends?" to my brother, when i know that he does..., and he said "i have more than you" and then he said that my online friends dont count. which, sure... i dont leave my house to see and hang out with them, but they're still friends; i still hang out with them somehow. idk, it just made me feel like .... idk what the word is.... it was just on the spot, and the way everyone was looking at me.. its like i was scared. not like anxiety-scared, but scared-scared. i dont really know why, though? i mean, actually.... i do have a bf and it kinda felt like they were invalidating that (even though they dont know about it and actually only .... hmm.... a few people know aobut it but i digress) but other than that, i dont really get it? it felt like they thought i was just being overdramatic when i said "they dont really hang out with me though" . ANYWAY yeah, i felt sad after that and like my walls went up too. on saturday i dont remember anything significant happening.. ijust remember i worked that day. i worked sunday too. after work on sunday, i have a lot of time because i had an early shift. i started to clean up all of the clothes i have everywhere. i mean, i guess i did alright, but my room still isnt clean somehow so. oh, also late that night i tried moving my bed into my sisters old room and i couldnt drag it like i could my other mattresses because theres a protector on it, so i got my bed, like, stuck and i slept on the floor of my sisters old room LOL it was kinda nice though. monday my brother got the bed in the room and it was nice. i put my desk in this room too. i dont have many of my things in here. i like how little things r in here. sometimes when i have too much stuff in a space i feel like so.... panicked. idk. i like how empty it feels in here. i might never put the rest of my stuff in here lol. uhh and then tuesday (yesterday) i worked as usual. i was talking with my old coworker though about life n stuff and she mentioned how she was looking for a roommate for when she rents and appartment and i offered to be her roommate so thats something now. i havent told anyone else about it because i feel like my mom and dad would be like pissed off which.... doesnt make a lot of sense to me because im less than 3 weeks away from being 18 and i told her i wouldnt rlly be able to move in until early september because of my surgery but anyway.... it makes me anxious to think aobut anyway because i dont have a license UHHH so ... itll be so hard getting to and from my appts and going to and from work. so thats kinda stresful but yeah that was my week. so much to talk about!!!

i stg me talking abt all of this is going to leave me with 45+ minutes to fill because all of this is like nothing LOLLLl