#im feeling more depressed than ever and it doesnt matter if i ask for help bc there is none for me

[toytulini]

wheres that post about how its hard to have like a fucking depression spiral or whatever while knitting bc lemme tell u im sitting here fighting back tears while actively crocheting and its not fucking working

[bunnihearted]

.

[thedevotionaltour]

anyone else ever remember how they are gonna end up in some dead end soul sucking job instead of the actual career they wanna pursue because they are far too unskilled for it. just me. awesome.

[skyeslittlecorner]

im the anon who messed up the request, im pretty sure i requested the kings when mc is reborn as a devil, a while after gabriel killed them and they get reunited with the kings

(sorry if it doesnt make sense english isnt my first language & thank you!)

-🌙 anon

Hello 🌙! Everything is clear now, I actually hadn't received this request before. Good thing you asked again, because I'd love to write it 🙏

The previous parts: first and second

Satan's depression had seriously worsened since you were gone, though only some nobles saw it. His explosions became more random and much more powerful. One day, after a fight, he was walking through town when he saw something familiar. It didn't matter if you looked like your old self or not, he recognized you. He reached you, grabbed you in his arms and started whispering your name fanatically, showering you with kisses. Sitri followed him, certain he had gone mad and was hallucinating, only to be kicked. You were confused at first, but hazy memories began to come back to you as Satan took your breath away with a kiss. You tangled your fingers in your king's hair, promising that you wouldn't scare him like that again.

Mammon will recognize you when you come to see the palace-tomb erected in your honor. Somehow you felt like you should come there... and you realized why when you were pulled into a large chest. Even though he has enormous strength and huge arms, he hugged you so gently that it was as if he had a porcelain figurine in his arms. He picked you up and cupped your cheek. And then the buttock. His eyes are dreamy, he has finally found his greatest treasure. “Welcome back home, Master.”

Beelzebub didn't recognize you, or at least he didn't believe it was you when his drunk brain told him so. He had to get rid of his sadness somehow, and alcohol and casual sex... didn't help, but what else was he supposed to do? Especially since that pretty devil who joined him in the lounge looks so damn much like you? He's sure that when he gets sober, you'll disappear again. You will be showered you with kisses and caresses, he’ll steal you away all night long, assuring you that he loves you, that he will never leave you again, that he will do everything to make you come back. This is the first night in your life that you will wake up and still have him by your side. Sober. In love. And happier than ever in his life, because he realized that these were not his drunken delusions. It's you.

Leviathan rarely accepts audiences, much less from random devils, so when you came, he was going to dismiss you. Instead, his heart almost stopped when he saw you. He forgot about dignity and got down from the throne, came closer, cupping your cheeks in his hands. “It's… it's you. You're back.” Even though he had his illusions, deep down he didn't believe in them. But you chose return, you chose Hell, you chose him. You are so brave and beautiful that he feels jealous. His subjects can’t look at you, because it makes him jealous, too. He will hang his entire throne room, offering you his arm. You will be taken to his palace, and he will order to prepare a welcome fit for a queen. This day will go down in history as a national holiday in Hades.

[suffarustuffaru]

Opinion on Reinhard's dad possibly seeing "the son he never had" on Garfiel? It could totally take that route tbh

It would be a fun dynamic imo

oh anon as a heinkel fan (hes soo terrible but so fascinating and i WANT to see him get better and grow as a person. but also you may have known that since you are asking me this hah) and someone who is quite fond of garf i lovedddd the recent heinkel-garfiel chapters... and LMAO this idea of like. heinkel being a bit soft on garfiel bc yay!! new son replacement!!! is SO FUNNY ive thought about it a little bit. and IT WOULD BE FUN and i think heinkels arc is super interesting bc he kinda hit his rock bottom in like about arc 7-early arc 8 where its like. its post arc 5 astrea drama so shit just got even more bleak for heinkel, hes stuck in dangerous territory and he doesnt believe in himself At All and hes too depressed to really try all that much at anything.

but then GARFIEL comes along and saves heinkel a couple times and garfiel gets hit down but keeps getting right tf up - and that goes against like literally everything heinkel thinks. he doesnt try to be better bc he doesnt think he can ever accomplish it no matter how hard he tries, but garfiel is someone who just WONT stop trying.

and we also see that heinkel learning more about rowan and cecilus and the whole deal with the segmunts has made heinkel go "oh. okay haha maybe im not as far gone as i thought" bc heinkel gets shown another example of a dysfunctional family with an extremely op son and a deadbeat alcoholic dad and theyre a mirror of reinhard and heinkel. except rowan and cecilus are like if reinhard and heinkel werent so miserable about their shit relationship, bc as shitty as heinkels behavior is deep down he still CARES. he cares a lot about his family. he misses reinhard - why else would he need schult to be a replacement? he's still mourning that loss, if you think about it. but rowan is just so batshit that heinkel immediately goes backtracking like "OKAY IM. IM NOT THAT BAD. MAYBE THERES A TINY LITTLE SPECK OF HOPE FOR ME AFTER ALL."

and garfiel is helping to be a catalyst as well bc of his own determination to always keep growing and keep fighting no matter what gets in his way. hes a spunky little kid whos powerful but when faced with opponents stronger than him Refuses To Give Up. thats inspirational i think for heinkel, especially when its not as if hes a shit fighter, dude is just outshadowed by his family and other people around him. he just has to get up and keep trying, so its interesting that heinkel DOES find the courage to try and protect garfiel while garfiel's trying not to die.

like i do think that its heinkel like having this grudging respect for garfiel after the interactions theyve had, also possibly feeling inspired by garfiel and having that tiny bit of hope in him after meeting rowan and interacting with garfiel, and also trying to repay garfiel. bc heinkel treats himself like dirt and gets treated like dirt a lot - im sure his thought process might be "this kid took the time to keep saving me even though im literally worthless and now hes in danger, this is the least i can do". i would be interested if it went the route of like. heinkel having that fatherly instinct rekindled - i think itd be interesting for garfiel as well bc. he IS lacking a father figure, but for heinkel, i think that its clear with how he acts with schult that heinkel does kind of miss having a son and having that sort of love in his life.

we know he DID use to be a good dad, and tbh i always kind of headcanoned that heinkel probably isnt that mean with most kids unless its someone like. you know. subaru. or julius. or reinhard of course. like heinkels not that much of an ass when his life is on the line or when there isnt super personal stakes involved (ie astrea stuff). hes a character that carries a lot of guilt and shame and self-hatred, someone who's spiraled into being the worst version of himself when he used to be bright-eyed and hardworking and full of love despite the weight on his shoulders - i think he would see a very kind and determined and spirited kid like garfiel (and might be reminded of the kid he Used to love) and hope that garfiel doesnt end up like him (ie lost, burnt out, and depressed). we see this sort of behavior a bit with schult too, bc heinkel tries to give schult advice and tries to look after schult a bit in general!! and garfiel's like a better version of heinkel you know? garfiel's a bit abrasive with a quick temper and all but hes extremely well intentioned in just about everything he does. and i think heinkel might have a fondness for all of garfiel's antics at this point T^T

but yes ty for the ask anon !! :o im very interested to see where heinkel and garfiel go from here, bc it looks like heinkel's started some baby steps in his growth!!

[astrangerthatcares]

i read your reasons to live post and the "your pets wont know where you went" really got to me because they really wouldnt and i dont ever want to leave them like that, but i dont know how to really live anymore. the apathy is sucking my joy out of everything and the sadness is always in the back of my mind. when i try to picture myself in the future, i cant imagine living past graduation, because i dont even want to. right now im writing this because im about 10 hours from being 100 days clean from s/h and the only thing preventing a relapse is my mental and physical exhaustion prevent me from bothering to do it. eating has started to upset me to make me feel guilty to the point where eating nauseates me, to where even my safe foods dont feel safe anymore. i dont know what to do anymore, i cant even remember the last time i was truly happy, not just an extreme mood swing or the kind of happiness where you can feel the sadness waiting in the back of your mind. why do i have to live, why do those reasons even matter, if they are just to keep me from dying rather than making me want to live? i dont even think the answer to that question really matters to me, i think all i really wanted is to know there was a real person out there who would listen to my problems and understand/care without the fear of burdening the few people who havent left me. im sorry if this ramble makes no sense i have a headache and dont care to proofread my ask otherwise ill feel like asking you is stupid and will delete this all and bottle it back up with the rest of my emotions. i probably sound like some stupid angsty teen but i cant bother to word this all better and eloquently when it doesnt really matter anyways

Anon, honestly, you sound like a mix of an old friend of mine and I.

It does matter, but I don't care if you write like Shakespeare or you are a disaster. I know it is hard to live. That's the whole point of it. I know I sound like a Mr. Wonderful mug, but in the end you can always find a way to be happy. It might be to read, to be with somebody, music or anything actually.

Now, these reasons are important, because I can't tell you how to be happy living, but if you die you really can't live happily. If you keep living you'll find happiness, trust me. Maybe not today, maybe not in a month, but you'll find it.

A lot of people stop liking to do stuff when they are depressed and don't want to live, but there is something the people I know that have gone through this like- music. I have a friend that learned every Alan Walker song. Another one played the violin. And the other just played rendom music. Try it. If you want to, through private messages you can tell me who you are. We can talk in a way that helps you more if I know more about you. No need to do it tho.

Please, be safe anon

-Stranger

[finniestoncrane]

Hey finnie!! Congrats on 1k!!! You deserve it!!!!

I wanted to see if you'd do no 9 for me cause I'm so curious as to who you'd pick. You know me p well by this point but I'll still tell you about myself as if ya didn't >:]

So hey, I'm a mexican-american living in socal, I work full time as a post production assistant transferring every old from of audio and video you can think of to digital and im very passionate about media conservation. I have immigrant parents so the connection to my culture isent that far off- but I grew up in Southern California and it shows. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was a teen but later was rediagnosed with DID, I also have depression and believe I am on the spectrum. I love to draw and watch film when i have the time but mostly i just listen to audiobooks because i can do that at work. I've always had to work a lot, whether it's night shifts at the warehouse, 50+ hour weeks or nightclub gigs after work I'm always doing *something*. The fact that I have to work so much bums me out a Lot and I want to explode the concept of capitalism but that doesnt stop me from taking an absurd amount of pride in being a hard worker, I get it from my dad. I don't sleep very much, people always find it strange but no matter what time I fall asleep I will wake up 4-5 hours later without alarms and still feel well-rested. Like I mentioned I read a LOT cause I do it on the job, my favorite books are true crime and horror (Grady Hendrix is my all time fave author) but I also get through a ton of history books- mainly medical and historys of conflict. I watch movies whenever I get the chance, I love horror!! It's comforting to me. Most of my favorite films are from the 70s. Oh I love getting tattoos and if I had the money for it id get one everyday, I love the feeling a lot. I listen to a lot of different kinds of music, 80s pop and goth, old punk, 60s and 70s rock, oldies, 90s grunge and reggae, 2000s emo, rap and indie, modern industrial goth, old country as well as mariachi, corridos, reggaeton and Mexican rock. Really genuinely love most kinds of music, but my fave is anything I can sing or dance to. Like I said I have DID which is a pretty big part of me but simultaneously so small, after therapy I was able to get to a place where my alters don't really front unless there's an agreement to do so and it's mostly for comfort and healing reasons now but I live most of my life with one or more riding passenger seat if that makes sense? There's always someone I can talk to or ask for advice. My ideal night out is a night dancing at some alternative club or maybe karaoke at a dinky little bar. I also love to go on drives and like going to the beach at night to lay on the sand hearing the water until I get too cold.

I think I included way more than you needed but I'd love to hear who you'd pick and why :> 🖤

🎀 No.9: Ever Fallen In Love With Someone 🎀

tell me a little bit about yourself and i'll give you a rogue pairing a/n: ok this was... this one was difficult because i struggled to decide between two rogues (a variant of Mad Hatter being the other option) but i hope the decision i made was the right one💚 1k milestone info! 🔞minors dni🔞 • kofi • tag: finnie1k

such a noble cause that you work for! and you picked a key word, because harley is deeply attracted in every sense of the word to passion. doesn't matter what it is, if you're truly passionate about it she'll follow suit

heritage and culture is so important to harley too, and her jewish heritage is often overlooked, so she understand the connection and trying to maintain it or even strengthen it. she'd be so keen to share in someone else's culture and maybe even share hers with them

harley is a trained psychologist. she's a doctor. she has a degree. so any mental health issues she's so keen to try and help, without crossing any boundaries of course. she just wants the best for the people she loves and it's in her nature to try and talk through problems and find ways to fix things or make them hurt less

i frequently headcanon harley as someone who loves drawing as a way of relaxing or as an outlet, and i think she would employ a lot of art psychotherapy tactics. most of all, sitting with you and doodling while you draw and chat about your day would make her so happy

she gets hard work. first of all, it's not easy to study to become a psycholgist. second of all, it's not easy to work in one of the more intense asylums. and third of all, wielding a hammer while looking sexy is a herculean task believe it or not. but hey, if you hate capitalism, why not join her in villainy! or better yet, leave the crime to her and you can stay at home doing nothing all day, let her spoil you!

you would get sleep with harley around. she wouldn't be above bonking you on the head to make sure you're well-rested. 4-5 hours isn't enough, she insists on it. by that point she's only just starting to feel like she's spent enough time stroking your arm and watching you snooze, she needs at least another 2 hours on top of that.

true crime and horror are such harley vibes. she seems like she would love a horror movie marathon. the gorier the better for her though, and with some amazing kill scenes! and let's be honest, some 70s horror films have amazing death scenes in them so she can get on board with that

harley has a fair few tattoos, but nothing would make her giddier with sheer excitement and love than getting a matching tattoo (or 17) with you!!

i think harley loves dancing. she's a gymnast, it's pretty close in terms of movement. she probably has immense skills, albeit untrained, in most dance styles. so any kind of music is something she can work with. and karaoke would 100% be up her street, a cheesy love ballad that you can duet on, or the classic "girls just wanna have fun", but screaming it at an insane volume while she laughs with you

it's maybe not the same thing, but harley has harleen riding sidecar with her at all times. it's not always a good thing for her, since they don't share many of the same opinions, but you'd be a good influence on her, and maybe she'd start taking advice from harleen more often

[pinkseas]

[parasocial bestie] VENTI MY BELOVED WE ARE SHAKING HANDS WE ARE CRYING i barely rmb how it goes anymore but hes. still such a comfort 2 me and uehrghshhdjhf anyway answerimg dat respons,..

"they could have such little conversations that even for a short time could bring his mind away from the exhaustive pain that is Everything Else"  like REAL SHT THATS WHAT IM GETTING AT,... for the ppl who had been caring for him and talked directly even if theres a few. id sorta think zhongli doesnt rlly allow ppl to visit xiao for the sake of not overwhelming him with guilt, and the only healer that came for rare check ups directly being madame ping and zhongli usually go straight to the pharmacy for more advice. not even bringing qiqi or baizhu along too. he knows xiao well enough not to have a lot of visitors no matter how Worried they are bc xiao doesnt worry for himself even in this condition, why bother when he doesnt even, cant even, walk out of the inn.

i got a lil scene abt that but like YEAH PAIMON?? paimon is so great in theory and to me when it comes to her in-game i just go entirely on my theory and Selectively Read her dialogs anyway whatever feels like its My paimon i do that KFHSHDHDH despite her being the most talkative character Ever she rlly deserves more than sumkind of hyv scapegoat fr and theres way too much unwarranted hate even on harmless scenes bc the game dialogs and text alwsys gets lost in translation and en voice acting. can be misleading than the og cn too. cn paimon is the most chill ever. id like to think paimon in this brainrot tho,.. and how i interpret my paimon in general shes still a lil childish but in a good way without those annoying lines amd if she has it she learns. and xiao over time has a soft spot for her like he does to other kids. lil pai pai nugget actually. ive had lumine hold her like a plushie sometimes.

anwyay back 2 brainrot [idm published but this makes me shy again uhehe] she's that lil spark in the weeks when xiao is asleep bc of that blunt innocence she naturally has, and lumine zhongli sometimes find it hard to escape their own thoughts everytime they see xiao on bed unmoving. its depressing its still worrying despite it being a form of recovery, and venti's flute already stitched the most grave of wounds. "but people who know xiao, whether just barely or through zhongli speaking of him or through lumine speaking of him, wishing him well sending regards and how does that make any sense? that those who know so little about him would care that he gets better?" u see like, i had this cute but sad scene once that since zhongli doesnt allow too many visitors but ppl have also caught on when lumine sees Other People once in a while esp when she can only roam in liyue (whether usual traveler stuff, or she has a hand in the exorcist family duty of helping in the fallen conquerer of demons' stead after the incident) they sense that grief and asked, and it doesnt take a lot to connect the dots regarding the incident bc ppl know abt that demonic presence but only a few can guess its xiao too.

and taking that message, and out of respect knowing xiao would feel even more guilty to be visited, sends their well wishes their own way. occassionally during pre-awakening, they get letters and gifts at the inn. short get well messages. herbal tea. adeptal medicine recipes. lots, and lots of flowers from both the qixing and adepti. they had to make use of the flowers somehow before it wilts, and paimon had the idea of weaving it to crowns. she fails once, at lumine's amusement, fails twice, and a few more times until she manages a sloppy looking once out of liyue's flowers. who's it going to be for then? her traveler partner would ask halfway through a perfect crown of her own. well, guess! but not a single smug one is correct, not the inn staff not the boss lady not even herself or zhongli. surprise surprise; the first to get the honors is xiao, as the activity was done on the very bed he sleeps so he can 'have fun' too. paimon proudly, but also so gentle and careful, puts the crown as if it and xiao would break under the gesture. he looks pretty. he looks serene, if one can take away the eyebags and slow breathing and unmoving fingers and bandages lightly decorated around him. he's pretty for his own good, even in slumber. lumine chuckles at the whole deal, but she wasnt sure out the amusement or that shes touched of the ideas her companion does that doesnt feel too much and genuinely lighting up such a dull day.

her voice cracks. she didnt mean to, she didnt mean to be sad all over again when paimon made a happy decision amidst it all. xiao has such pretty flowers on his head that paimon tried her hardest to make and he still hasnt fucking woke up, people have been gifting have been writing good wishes have brought zhongli to smile once in a while and she knows he's grieving with the way the older god can still break on his own personal guilt she'll never know completely and he still hasnt fucking woke up. its a simple mess that brings her down under, and shes back to remembering the incident again. paimon knew, she always notices, always watching throughout the week, brings a flower next to the inteyvats that still adorned her head, and tells her traveler partner. hey. paimon can make another one for you too. lets use all the flowers for everyone, so it has a use and doesnt die without it. xiao would always say what's the use of mortal gifts and we're using it!

and they proceed to make use of every single one, and every staff of the inn wears one for the whole day; like a sign of a special time everything is still okay.

"id sorta think zhongli doesnt rlly allow ppl to visit xiao for the sake of not overwhelming him with guilt, and the only healer that came for rare check ups directly being madame ping and zhongli usually go straight to the pharmacy for more advice. not even bringing qiqi or baizhu along too. he knows xiao well enough not to have a lot of visitors no matter how Worried they are bc xiao doesnt worry for himself even in this condition" this is SO OUCHIE !!!!!!!!!!!! but also so fucking correct, zhongli Knows him far too well to let visitors in. itd probably be really fucking uncomfortable for xiao tbh? unable to understand any of the worry and being overwhelmed by all these people who DO worry and express care and concern, unable to reconcile that with his own emotions like Why does it matter to you im useless right now i cant do anything why bother? madame ping being the only healer also makes SO much sense and is so good i love that...

"and how i interpret my paimon in general shes still a lil childish but in a good way without those annoying lines amd if she has it she learns. and xiao over time has a soft spot for her like he does to other kids. lil pai pai nugget actually. ive had lumine hold her like a plushie sometimes." I LOVE THIS SO BADDDDDDDDDDDDD childish in a good way is SO real like god, and xiao having a soft spot for her ohhh my god. okay so like. not to Totally talk abt smth else but. one of my FAVORITE games from when i was really little is called dust: an elysian tail. and the protagonist is kinda serious but also friendly and MAD powerful and has no memory of who he was before, and!!! he has!!! a small flying companion who acts as his guide through the world and people often refer to as a toy or a mascot. her name is fidget. and her fandom treatment is HORRIFIC from what little ive seen but. but. ingame. their dynamic is EVERYTHING i wish paimon and the traveler had. dust is kind to her, they argue a little bit sometimes because they dont always understand each other but fidget grows really close to him, she has SO much faith in him even when he lacks faith in himself, she pulls him back when his mind starts to get to him, she's always there by his side stays there even in battles because her magic is really weak but dusts own abilities are able to make use of an amplify it. they're a team !!! they're a genuine team. there's a point where they try SO hard and they save this town but a sick character they were really trying to help in doing that still dies, and fidget is a bit younger a bit more naive and it REALLY gets to her. like. "but we did everything we were supposed to do..." not understanding how he still passed when they did everything right. and dust just kind of quietly has to tell her how sometimes even that isnt enough. and they learn SO much from each other and its just !!!!! fidget is treated like her own character, not a mascot or a scapegoat, and its SO good, and i think of them every time i think about the traveler and paimon its unreal. that's the treatment paimon deserves she should be a teammate and a person and a guide not. That.

"she's that lil spark in the weeks when xiao is asleep bc of that blunt innocence she naturally has" NO BC THIS IS SO GOOD even when zhongli and lumine are getting caught up in their own heads and are down and upset and unable to muster too much energy, paimon being able to focus on the simple stuff making sure they're still taking care of themselves staying more positive and cheerful and being blunt !!! telling them outright at somepoint that they're wallowing and that wont do xiao any good, and he'd scold them if he saw them like this, too, so they should get up and do something etc etc man. Man.

and PEOPLE SENDING THEIR WELL WISHES TO THE INN OR THROUGH LUMINE........ god that's so. herbal tea medicine recipes....... crying shaking sobbing.

"and lots of flowers from both the qixing and adepti. they had to make use of the flowers somehow before it wilts, and paimon had the idea of weaving it to crowns. she fails once, at lumine's amusement, fails twice, and a few more times until she manages a sloppy looking once out of liyue's flowers. who's it going to be for then? her traveler partner would ask halfway through a perfect crown of her own. well, guess! but not a single smug one is correct, not the inn staff not the boss lady not even herself or zhongli. surprise surprise; the first to get the honors is xiao, as the activity was done on the very bed he sleeps so he can 'have fun' too. paimon proudly, but also so gentle and careful, puts the crown as if it and xiao would break under the gesture. he looks pretty. he looks serene, if one can take away the eyebags and slow breathing and unmoving fingers and bandages lightly decorated around him." CRYING SHAKING SOBBING. thinks about xiao just sort of idk. Caring the way that he does, acknowledging paimon in the way not everyone does and making sure she's not hurt after bigger fights and ensuring her safety and paimon caring about him sm in return wanting him to get better wanting him to have that first successful crown, working so hard over and over again to get it right so that he can wear it. god.

something about the grief lumine feels, all the gifts theyve gotten all the mourning theyve done all the hardship and the effort and through it all xiao still isnt awake, that hits SO fucking hard. god.

"and tells her traveler partner. hey. paimon can make another one for you too. lets use all the flowers for everyone, so it has a use and doesnt die without it. xiao would always say what's the use of mortal gifts and we're using it! and they proceed to make use of every single one, and every staff of the inn wears one for the whole day; like a sign of a special time everything is still okay." THE ENTIRE STAFF WEARING THE FLOWER CROWNS...... explodes and dies. handing out crowns to the staff and the people staying there and those just stopping by and the kitchen and the children and and and. some confused some grateful some knowing all accepting, all wearing them

[cpunkwitch]

I ask that you hear me out bc I've been thinking a lot on this and I think it is a CRUCIAL aspect of understanding community. I'm queer trans mentally and physically disabled, and especially coming from over a decade in the queer community, the angry bitter gatekeeping rhetoric is not helpful to? Anyone??? Definitely not the crip movement or any real disabled person. It absolutely isn't what I was hoping for from seeking community, or what people seeking community need. Im in a lot of disability spaces, and never ONCE have I met a disabled person w mental illness who wasn't ALSO physically disabled as a result of that severe mental illness.

Anxiety keeps your body locked in fight or flight and floods you with "here's danger" hormones (adrenaline, cortisol) that lock muscles, stops the digestive system, causes shakes and blurred vision and panic attacks that mimic heart attacks. It leads to chronic pain, gastroporesis, heart problems. Depression saps all your energy, leaves you with barely enough to walk across a room. Changes the literal way you are able to perceive and process the world around you, changes your hormone and neurotransmitter balance. If it doesn't leave you dead (is suicide not a bodily symptom enough for you?) it leaves you drowning and typically in a place of having lost friends and finances. Executive dysfunction can keep someone locked in place for days, barely able to get water or food or clean themselves for weeks on end. Nevermind if these things go untreated, nevermind the rate of comorbidities with health problems and other mental illness.

There is no such thing as a purely mental disability, that doesnt work via a complex body mind relationship of hormones and muscles. The brain absolutely and completely affects the rest of our bodies, and it not working "correctly" is arguably far more catastrophic than MANY many purely physical disabilities (that can - if one is privileged and genetically lucky enough - come WITHOUT severe mental illness). Circling the wagons to make sure those who Aren't Disabled Enough stay away from a term, stay away from your space, is the same rhetoric used to try to keep trans, ace, nb, any minority not Queer or Marginalized Enough in the Right Ways out of queer spaces and this nebulous idea of limited resources they're stealing. It doesn't protect ANYONE, it sets up a false dichotomy that leaves people questioning themselves and more alienated than ever, and it just gives people something to work themselves into a froth over and waste words and energy and time and people's attention on instead of the real issues facing all of us and the most marginalized in this community.

It does not matter in the real world if a suicidally depressed person calls themselves a crip bc they used to be able to climb mountains and now it's a win to get to the kitchen - if they use resources it shows to that administrator the resources are Needed so they can continue, if they talk over someone they can be asked to instead listen and learn.

Yknow what does have negative real world consequences? Shaming them that they're not Disabled Enough to be part of a community and them killing themselves bc for the 100th time in their life a person told them their struggles weren't legitimate or real enough to count. Ignoring and helping obscure laws being passed taking away trans healthcare, and specifically trans autistic healthcare, that are immediately affecting this community. Riling yourself (and your audience) up indefinitely every time you feel the need to gatekeep some autistic kid and read or share a vitriolic post about what disability and crip REALLY is.

i want people to understand im not trying to exclude anyone. i have mentioned a few times that i aknowledge there are people who's mental disablity and illness contribute to their being physically disabled.

im sorry that my initial post angered a few people, that was not my intent

but i did state in my reblog of that post that the point wasnt to say anyone isnt disabled enough, its to point out that those who actually arent physically disabled need to stop forcing themselves into a space that wasnt made for them.

im sorry if my wording is just that bad, im sorry if i hurt people with how i came off, i dont mean to

and im sorry that i dont have the energy of spoons to read your entire ask here, its a lot of text and i cant read that but im responding from what i did manage to read and im sorry if any of my rants struck the wrong cord with you /g

im too tired for this so im not answering anymore asks about this post

thank you for your time, again sorry for upsetting anyone with my crap wording /g

[fraener]

9/7/24

if i had the time to write, i would have. this past month was one of the hardest ive gone through. i didnt have a day off since before my last entry in here. im listening to stefans piano music in bed now, had dinner, painted for the first time in a really, really long time. it didnt give me the same level of enjoyment as it used to but i think id like to start doing that again every day. i had to leave work early today because my period finally came with a terrible vengance, 20 days late. the stress of the move nearly killed me i think. i lost even more weight im pretty sure, ive never been this thin. im going to try and get my thyroid tested again because im getting very worried about it. h told me he felt like i criticized him too much and was so ungrateful for all his help moving. i am not allowed to have any feelings about what happened in front of him because he feels this way. i told him he was right so hed stop yelling at me. its just yet another thing i cannot rely on him for or trust him for, i dont feel like i ever want to ask his help for anything ever again, at least not that big of a thing. it just doesnt seem like a good idea anymore and im almost glad i never let go of my suspicions around it. im too depressed to really be disappointed or saddened by it. this is just what relationships turn into for me, a strange dance of self suppression when faced with the continuous obstacle of being something foreign and unordinary in the face of what the other person wants and expects. i feel like im speaking a different language to most people. i feel so extant and as i get older it becomes less and less surprising that i feel that way. i wonder what would have happened had i been ordinary or had a shot at seeing the world in an ordinary way. i dont really think i have it in me to keep trying to find someone who will see me and understand me and love me for what and who i am. maybe thats a good thing. i dont really know. i want to lean into my uncommonness again. i am unloveable in my uncommonness, i think, but strong in it. tomorrow i think id like if i am able to go and paint on the hill above the bay and watch the little sailboats go by. for the first time in a long time im feeling reasons to return to myself rather than turn away. what am i here for? what do i like to do? i want to paint, i want to watch other people enjoy learning something new, i want to be included in or witness to someones passions, i want to find my friendship in the nonhuman again. i miss rosie so much. i miss all the animals i cant talk to anymore like ed and zoey. at least rosies still alive. and gigi is too, and tally. so many friends of mine are so far away now. learning over and over that i am so terribly lonely here! i think maybe im beyond sad about h. this hasnt been a very good relationship but i havent been well or strong or brave enough to end it even when its really bad or even when its not so aggressively bad but just so bald faced in its discrepancies that it doesnt make any sense to keep going. for some reason i keep going. for love or habit i do not know. i dont feel loveless like i did with m but i dont feel like the love is enough most days. im tired of writing in my journal about him. i want him to matter less in some ways, maybe just matter less in the darker matters of the heart. i saw o's play and we spent some time together. theyre so magical and i can see so pure as day why we didnt work out. exactly what i admire about them is the thing i cannot stand! funny how it works sometimes. im glad to see them a little again, a year from when we did last. always the end of summer with that one. i miss my apartment, my new house is quiet but lonely without my ghosts. the fellow above the doorframe threw the picture one last time at h while he was scolding me which was really funny but a bit naughty. not that h would know or understand necessarily. yes, tired and lonely. one day soon maybe ill feel a bit better, or at the very least, different.

[555-new-moons]

Its nights like these I seem to remember the awful turth of my life.

That I will never be anyone's high priority.

I dont even want to be number one. I just want to be farther up than last. Id love for someone to put time out for me, to reach out when i don't, to show up randomly, to remember things about me without being told one hundred times.

Ive never been.

Even in a relationship with a man who said so many times he wished to marry me I am not high enough on the platter to matter. I joke about it but I know Im lower than even the snake. That if the apartment burned down hed save himself and the dog and his computer and guns and then maybe the snake and hed only look for me after it burnt all the way down and he wanted to leave.

My old real life friends dont initiate conversations with me ever, its only between them all and im there on the side. Its not their fault. I cant let them in more than i have, what little i did show of how i feel and my depression made them withdraw even more.

Online people seem to enjoy my presence more. But i know i outstay my welcome most places. Im never part of the main group. Infact people seem not to give a shit whether im there or not. What value I add means nothing.

Oh how much i wish I was regarded as more than a value add.

I joke that i was just too pretty for people to ask me out, that no it was just them being too scared, but really it was just because I was so forgettable they couldnt remember i existed. Nomatter what i did or changed about myself it has never been enough.

Why is who i am not enough.

Men online like me because my body looks a certain way. I can watch their attention drift once i have a head and a voice too.

Chasing chasing chasing. And for what. Scraps of attention, spare affection. Trial run for the real partner later that you instantly open up to and do things youd never dream of doing if it was me instead.

And if im not the chaser, if i want to take a step back, to pursue instead no one comes. No one even gives a shit to notice that im not there.

And its a feeling, that i could disappear and no one but the dog i feed would notice. That if i drove off a bridge, or out into the woods, no one would care until the things i did in silence to help their lives progress stopped getting done.

The last i felt like this I fell.

Not that it changed anything either, except put me in enough pain for someone to be disturbed enough at my grimace of a smile to make me go to the nurse the next day.

Its doesnt matter

I dont matter in this world.

People say they care but words means so little now. When i know what actions are.

That every moment they utter no no I care! They are drawing away. Even though i didnt ask if they cared. I asked if they wanted to hang out. Be around. Make me feel less alone.

And he calls me antisocial because i dont hang out with people. That i stay inside all the time.

Who am i meant to hang out with. No one is around.

[incrediblesweatermachine]

i love how nobody i live with puts any effort into thinking about how their words and actions might make me feel or like considering how i might feel and how that might affect MY words and actions. it is such a good and healthy environment i love it ❤️ as an autistic person i find it super helpful to live with people who never say what they mean and assume that i am also not saying what i mean even though i say exactly what i mean all the time except when im using my therapy training to hold my tongue and not say something mean and maybe everyone could fucking get on board with this it is NOT that hard to be straightforward. and just say what your problem is because honestly if someone has a problem with something im doing or saying i cant wver explain myself and then people will just be mad at me or judging me without ever considering that maybe i have a reason for what im doing. also it fucking sucks that i try to offer like practical solutions to shit that ACTUALLY considers everyones stated and perceived feelings and opinions. but when im having an issue and could use some solutions everyone is like trying to make my problem disappear from view and not actually be solved. They just dont want to see my problems not actually like. solve them in any way. or actually help me solve them myself. its clear that my grief doesnt matter my depression doesnt matter my feelings dont matter except for the ways in whicj they make people feel uncomfortable. i told my dad i was suicidal and he told me he was more worried about other stuff and i shouldnt say that to him. it didnt matter that i was in so much pain that i didnt see any other options than ending my life it mattered that HE was uncomfortable discussing it. it doesnt matter that it hasnt even been a week since my extremely beloved cat died because everyone else is over it. the flowers my relatives sent me are still FRESH but i should be over it and back to normal. even though i havent missed any work and ive tried to get at least one thing done every day outside of work and cooked for everyone multiple times its somehow not enough. and on top of that im in so much physical pain its unbelievable. im consistently at like a 6 or 7 and completely stiff and have a hard time walking or anything but if anyones concerned they sure havent shown it!!!!! i try really hard every day and i do what my mom asks me to as much as i can and i try to be kind and polite and it just doesnt fucking change anything

[llimerrence]

mass hc post for louie because im in a mood

He's allergic to peanuts. Not severely, but enough to make his tongue 'feel fuzzy'. And Donald thinks he should carry medication in case it ever did get bad enough; but Louie doesn't.

Louie suffers from Clinical Depression & General Anxiety Disorder

His symptoms include: 

Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness

Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters

Loss of interest or pleasure in most normal activities

Insomnia

Has trouble falling asleep & staying asleep

Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort

Reduced appetite and weight loss, binge eating, stress eating

Feelings of worthlessness and guilt

Trouble concentrating

Trouble remembering things

False Memories (rare, but they freak him out)

Self harm and suicidal ideation 

Avoidance of social situations

Poor attendance at school

Has trouble controlling their worries or feelings of nervousness

Easily startled

Has unexplained headaches

Louie takes anti-depressants & anxiety medication. 

He’s still working with his doctor to get the right dosage

he tends to forget to take them. but he’s supposed to take them with his breakfast

Sometimes, for a few days, he won’t take them simply due to feeling ‘better’ only to fall back into depression (wow almost like,,, the medication is making him feel better)

Only Huey, Dewey, Valerie, Donald, and Scrooge know he is taking the medications. He doesn’t want to tell Webby or any of their other friends. 

Val has instilled certain set of morals into Louie when it comes to money, even if he doesn’t always follow them.

eat the rich

dont con ur family, that’s rude.

family comes first, even over money

don’t be ashamed for not having money; who you are as a person means more

don’t take money from ur family without asking. never ask for more than you need.

eat the rich.

Names Louie has had in his phone for Val:

Valerie

Val

Aunt Valerie 

Aunt Val

Mother

Mom

Care giver

CALL BACK RIGHT NOW

Momma mia (here we go again)

law maker

houseboat CEO

not my drug dealer.

maybe my drug dealer?

legal drug dealer

Captain  (he only answered phone with ‘ahoy mate’)

louie’s hoodie covers his arms because he has a lot of self harm scars, his body is constantly exhausted because of his depression, lack of sleep, and the fact that he tends to binge eat or only drink pep for days at a time. he also doesn’t take nearly as good care of his body as he should simply due to the energy it would take to do things like shower and such, so he just does bare minimum and yes he owns like 15 versions of the same hoodie, but he’ll wear the same outfit like 3 or 4 days in a row to save on energy. and he lays around and doesnt do anything for days at a time due to his depression and exhaustion and he purposefully makes people believe he’s lazy so they don’t know when hes actually having a bad day vs a good day because he doesnt want people to worry about him especially not his brothers and–

Hi, so, yeah Louie does self harm. I’ll never go into detail with it, like describing him doing it because that’s triggering for *me* to write. That said, I will write after care and talk about it if my partner is okay with it, or if it’s for a meta or a drabble. That said, if I ever mention it, and you want me to change it? of course. No biggie. 

That said, Louie does self harm on his right wrist and on both forearms. He doesn’t do it often, and it is usually far between when he does it. He always bandages himself up once he is feeling better, and always disinfects his wounds.

Louie is trying to get better, and while he does go to therapy once a month, he tries to cover up when he relapses and tends to only tell Donald or his brothers when he’s doing really badly. He wants to fix his issues on his own, even though he needs help to do so properly. 

Louie was hospitalized for a suicide attempt once. he was in-patient for a little over a week. Huey and Dewey were not allowed to visit him due to not being old enough. Only Donald was allowed to visit him. This was shortly before their time at the mansion.

He’s been hospitalized two times for self harm; both times he was out-patient for about three weeks. These were both during their time at the mansion.

[qualityempathshoebear]

2022, a crashing rollercoaster

Hey you,

its been a while. Ok yeah, maybe a little more than "a while". The year is over, and i think its time to reflect. But first, let me catch you up on everything thats happened since I last came on here.

Im still in Leeds, and will realistically stay here until I leave for University. Youre probably wondering what happened, why im not in Singapore. Well... my dads job didnt think he had enough experience, so what was supposed to be a delay, turned into a cancellation. So I have basically had to go to a school i wasnt supposed to be at in the first place, for a whole half-year. It was absolutly horrible and I had no friends. There were three (sometimes four) nice girls who I would sit with during snack and lunch. But it was almost always just us sitting in silence or me going on the computer in front of me, so I didnt look like an absolute fucking loser. I would go on VG and read the news every day and must have looked like such a loner to the people behind me. The girls were nice, but I didnt feel like we ever got to know eachother, I felt so fake the entire time.

And dont get me fucking started on the morning forms. I fucking hated coming in there just to sit in awkward silnce while staring ahead. And those horrible meditation sessions that the form tutor would do. I would just sit there with my hands in my lap, hoping for it to end. The girl sitting next to me was nice tho. I think she could tell I wasnt enjoying myself. I can honestly say I had no friends in that place, and that it was single-handedly the worst school experience I had ever had. And I know parts of it was my fault. I wasnt willing to make friends because everything felt so temporary. Even being in England still does. But wait, why are you talking in past tense? Im happy you asked. You see, I begged my dad to send an email to IB headquarters and ask to get the official copy of my diploma so I can apply directly into college (Englands equivalnce to highschool), without having to take their middle school exam (because fuck that!). And it luckily arrived on the last day of chistmas break... so I dropped out.

The plan now is that im going abroad to stay with my aunt until september, because I honestly just cant deal with staying in this horribly sad country. Everything about it is sad. The weather, the food, the disgustinly chlorinated water, the people, the buildings, even their fucking buildings are sad. I just cant fucking deal with it, It so similair to back home. No, its ven worse here. What was even the point of moving.

I have been so incredibly stressed because of the whole situation and its really taken a tole on me. I have had so much anxiety, to the point where I cant even sleep at night without panicking. Im constantly tired, I have lost so much weight, I have a breast infection in both my breasts (to be fair, I did have it before coming here), im depressed, and honestly, a little sui*idal.

To make matters worse, my parents have become religous freaks. And its definelty not helping that my mom has befriended some super religous woman, with the same background as us. Theyre making me do some weird post-menstruation shower ritual every fucking month (yes, theyve been tracking my period, gross!). Dont get me wrong, I dont actually end up doing them. I protest for a while and then I lie and pretend like ive done it. Around two weeks ago my dad came to my room to tell me to do the ritual, and I told him I couldnt because I was sick (and i actually was). Long story short, he didnt believe me and started yelling at me. I told him he was pressuring me into becoming religious. He freaks out and basically threatens me and pushes me (at some point even yanking my phone out of my hands, saying hes going to take it from me). All this while my mom watches and doesnt do anything besides saying my dads name and grabbing his arm every now and them. She even left at some point, but made sure to come back to gaslight and guiltrip me. I told her that if anyone touched me ever again I would call the cops immidielty. I havent really spoken to dad since. Its honestly really strained the relationship with my parents, and its making me realise that we will never have a normal relationship. In some ways I wish I could just be religous so I could save myself the anger, stress, and constant fighting with my parents. But whenever I give the idea further thought, I cringe. Even religion is ruined for me because of them. I feel that I shouldnt be religous, as revenge. The only way I could ever see myself becoming religous, is if I married a muslim man, and he helped me heal from all this fucking trauma. But I dont think I will do that. The only upside is that he wouldnt leave me, because of the stigma of divorce in muslim communities. But heck, I honestly just want to be loved. As gross and sappy as that sounds.

This year was supposed to be filled with laughs, new starts, new frienships, money, and much more. And instead I got none of it. I dont know, maybe this is what I deserve. Its safe to say that 2022 was my worst year yet. There were some highs, but mostly lows. Real fucking lows.

Im honestly just happy that I get to leave this wet-red brick country (even if its just temporarly), and hopefully in the meantime, my dad will get a job somewhere else so we can leave. If not, University is my only way out.

Now youre pretty much all cought up with whats worth to be cought up on. Before I leave, Ill share my new years resolutions and what I hope to focus on in 2023.

New years resolutions:

-Drink 2L of water a day, Gain weight, Workout once a week, Grow finger and toe nails, start daily journal, Grow hair and repair hairline, Get a new hobby, Grow eyebrows and eyelashes, Read 3 books, Solve Cains Jawbone, Clear skin, and to watch a musical live.

And in 2023 I hope to repair (as much as possible) my mental and physical health.

That would be all for now, until next time! <3

[higheldertala]

the power of the doctor commentary

a wise man once said ‘it could have been a lot better, it could have been slightly better written’

where was the qurunx being transported to? and why via train? oh well im sure it doesn’t matter.

‘the cybermen have a blocking fielding in action’ i mean i would presume you reason you can’t land is because they train is moving very fast?? but sure why not add in some pointless exposition.

why is the qurunx in a box/ cage? is it a prisoner? what are these people’s relationship to the qurunx?

dan’s train driver announcement is very cute.

what was the doctor’s plan for the cyber masters? just to say ‘stop right there!’ and they would say ‘ah sorry my bad’ and just stop?

‘i have reinforcements’ where? and also they still have weapons and regenerating healing powers, i don’t think you have the high ground here.

also the fact that both the master and the cyber masters escaped gallifrey meaning it was blown up and ko sharmus died for nothing, oops.

ch*bnall said this episode had the longest cold open in doctor who and it’s only 6:50, eve of dalek has a cold open of over 9 minutes so this like isn’t true.

why do sophie and janet have to share a title card?? we know this title sequence can accommodate for 5 people as seen in revolution of the daleks.

i am very curious to know how tegan and ace met but i guess that’s not important.

tegan’s line about not seeing the doctor is relevant but ace’s reply of of ‘alright show off just cos it’s only three decades for me’ is completely irrelevant??? literally just exposition. a brick to the face would be more subtle than chris ch*bnall’s dialogue.

also why would that be showing off??? she’s had to wait longer the doctor? this makes no sense.

also the doll thing is a bit weird, like did the master know that tegan would conveniently end up at unit? like she’s not working for them, they say she’s freelance. and it’s ace’s suggestion ‘they go in’ to which i presume she’s talking about unit. did the master know all this would happen? that tegan would call ace about it and then she would suggest they go into unit? you know never mind.

so they’ve in the middle of investigating a kidnapped child and dan was all like ‘but me date!’ dan’s priorities is getting laid first 😂

have we ever had a companion leave 10 minutes into the story? it’s so weird. why didn’t he leave at the end of legend of the sea devils? what was the point of dan as a companion at all?? because we needed to fill the quota of straight white men on the tardis??

dan story’s is so depressing. like it was partly the doctor’s fault that dan’s house got shrunk because she was chasing karvanista and she’s doesnt do anything to help or rectify this. like the doctor gives donna a lottery ticket and amy and rory a house and car for no reason other than wanting to provide for them, but nah fuck dan you can stay homeless. remember the ch*bnall era is about hope and friendship!

we’ve never had a doctor so mardy about companions leaving, which is so strange because it’s not like she has any emotional attachment to any of them. make it make sense.

‘not one for goodbyes’ don’t we fucking know it!! we just don’t them anymore in the ch*bnall era.

also even eleven ‘doesn’t like endings’ still said goodbye to amy (and rory) (think of end of the god complex).

‘a dalek invades my tardis with a message offering to destroy its own species’ JUST IN CASE YOU DIDNT UNDERSTAND IT THE FIRST TIME ROUND. yeah ch*bnall i got it the first time you didn’t need the doctor to repeat it immediately, how fucking dumb does he think his audience is. condescending ch*bnall dialogue i will NOT miss you.

‘that’s a new one’. it literally isn’t, have you seen doctor who chris i feel like i shouldn’t have to ask this.

i hate the close up shots, will not miss them. so glad to have rachel talalay back who knows what they’ve doing.

the doctor doesn’t tell yaz about the dalek because…?

i’m pretty sure that if there was a ‘second moon/ planet’ orbiting in earth’s atmosphere, that would severely fuck up earth’s gravitational pull?? that’s like basic science no??

i honestly believe they didn’t need to give sacha blue contacts… smells like whitewashing to me. like even if rasputin had blue eyes, this is fiction, literally no narrative reason for this.

don’t understand the point of the rasputin/ russia plotline. literally just tells the royals to fuck off so the master can have the place to themselves… like what?? this specific time setting has no bearing on the plot, we could anywhere and anytime and it literally just wouldn’t change the plot in any way shape or form, it’s so frustrating when so many parts of the story are just pointless!!

i am glad they have brought up the master’s hypnosis and im glad they said the thing (although i would have preferred sacha to say it because he has said he wanted to) but this is never brought up again!! what! is! the! point?!

this era insists on making the master’s tardis look ugly 😭 im so sorry baby.

‘your master awaits doctor. doctor what does it mean by that?’ are we all just fucking stupid or something? like aside from it’s fucking obvious, the doctor literally just reminded us that the cyber masters were created by the master like a minute ago.

in the trailer i said these were dalek shots, oh well i’ll take that L.

why didn’t you close the fucking tardis door when the cyberman were shooting?!?!?!

have you any idea what’s going on in outer space in 1916 right now? strangely enough no’ lol this was great.

‘new freelancers, don’t be cross’ that’s the only heads up you’re going to give her?

omg who knew it would be so easy to see the doctor again that all ace and tegan had to do was go to unit and say ‘hey can you call up the doctor’ and they would be like ‘yeah sure of course we can’.

i don’t know why only tegan gets to off with the doctor, as ace has plenty of reason too but sure whatever.

yaz’s awkwardness is so great for this scene. honestly a perfect reaction to meeting past companions.

(i mean i still find it weird the retconning of a 2 year old book where 13 and yaz already meet ace but okay. i feel so bad for sophie 😔. and also they just miss out any of the emotional depth or moment with ace and 13 and yaz but who needs emotional beats in a ch*bnall story).

would tegan like to bring up the russian doll cyberman to the doctor? no okay…

also the fact that one of the first things the doctor does after reuniting with ace and tegan, both of whom have somewhat misgrudges with them, is to non consensually put a hologram ai into their bodies is fucking wild!! why couldn’t she tell them she was doing that? OR ASK???

i love all of mandip’s facial expressions at ace and tegan in this scene, it’s just a shame the script never follows up on it. points to mandip for trying, chris ch*bnall sure isn’t.

would love to listen to full lecture with sacha’s voice 😏

‘now do i win a prize if i guess how this all fits together or are you just going to tell me why you’re grandstanding’ i really like the playfulness of this interaction, sort of goes back to how this is all a game for the master and the doctor, but it’s like dropped immediately so… okay.

‘you killed all these people for what?’ im sorry it’s hard to take yaz seriously because she hardly ever takes command in front of the doctor and she’s barely interacted with the master.

‘i know, a bit of a conversation stopper awkward right yaz?’ this line is so unnecessary, is it suppose to be funny…? okay boomer. thank god this is the only cringe line they give sacha this episode.

‘i hope i’m going to unit’ this is like bright flashing lights ‘this is a trap’. no one questions how easy it is to capture the master?? of course because our characters are fucking stupid!!

they don’t even takes the master’s tce off him?? and like he must have it on him, he shrunk the seismologists.

‘give her a gun’ this makes no sense and is like literally never followed up on, not even a chekhov’s gun but whatever i guess.

‘clear up the tiny bodies and inform the loved ones for me would you?’ this was so camp i loved it.

‘you’re not going to shoot me, not in her tardis’ where was the ‘state of temporal grace’ reference?

i wish they had leaned more into the master playing mind games with the companions angle but i guess that would require the companions to be actual in depth characters so :/

why do we mention the cyberium when it literally never gets followed up on??

‘unit will keep you under armed guarded’ yeah because that’s always worked hasn’t it doctor??

vinder is now also here for… reasons. idk maybe jacob was still under contract who can say??

and vinder is investigating the missing qurunx because…?

why is vinder monologuing everything the audience already knows? what’s the point?

‘anyone want to join me? bunk up in the bunker?’ i would 😏

‘your dad was an idiot’ out of all the jibes from the master this is the most random one, ch*bnall couldn’t come up with anything better?

‘you’ll all feel safe then with me in the building’ im sorry but again he is literally telling you this is a trap, i… im done.

‘you’re not staying doctor, you’re not gonna leave them alone are you?’ this is a great line/ jibe about the doctor abandoning their companions. shame it’s literally never followed up on!

‘professor where are you going? she really doesn’t want us back in there’ why is the doctor being such a twat to ace and tegan, i mean she’s like to this to everyone so i guess it’s in character. doesn’t me i understand any of it though.

‘darling’ giggling, twirling my hair, kicking my legs etc.

‘doctor stop for a second, i can’t keep doing this you, running from one place to the next never explaining’ oh look an actual valid reasoning for leaving! yaz realising the doctor is not gonna change or open up and is unhappy with being treated this way! shame this is never brought up again!

‘sorry no time’ aka shut the fuck up yaz, how dare you question me and want agency in your own actions.

‘sorry i am really staticky today’ why is she lying about this!??? i don’t understand!! i’m banging my head against the wall.

‘has it never occurred to you that it could be a trap? of course it has’… that’s why im going in without any back up plan whatsoever! why is the doctor so happy with meeting the dalek on its terms, rather than like neutral ground? you know what never mind.

how are they not boiling alive inside a volcano?? you know what never mind.

‘no they’re already there, seismology, volcanoes, daleks and the master, no this is not good news’ why does she say this all out loud??

‘i really thought i’d seen the last of him’ weird line for ace seeing as she only met him once (onscreen) and didn’t even interact with him that much???

‘knowing what you would do with it, you’d keep it so close to you because you have nothing else’ i don’t really see how this matches up with tegan’s character, tell me if i’m missing something here, why would she care about not having memorabilia from travelling with the doctor.

the cloned ashad is completely pointless why is he here???

also how does ace know about the hidden compartments in the floor? she’s doesn’t work for unit she’s freelance. either kate gave them a very thorough run down of the building or she’s been here before?

at least unit tables can withstand cyberman weaponary that’s convenient i guess.

and the master hid this teleport when…? also is this suppose to be the tce?? im very confused. you know what i’ve got to stop asking questions.

i presume this master then goes onto the pretend to be rasputin?? or he is jumping between 1916 and 2022?? this isn’t clear, like with the painting and such.

‘i can do this i can do this’ i would understand the panicking and reassuring the self if this was a like a first season companion, but not like a third season companion.

‘why am i talking to you?’ does yaz not know the tardis is telepathic/ sentient?? like if she can fly the tardis surely she would know? and she’s seen the doctor talk to tardis before.

‘got to dress for the occasion’ tv movie stans represent ✌️

‘forced regeneration’ ah lads not again.

is the doctor suppose to be this passive here, i don’t feel like she really resists?? she doesn’t struggle, she doesn’t try to escape, she doesn’t try to reason with the master, she barely speaks, she just sits there?? does she not care? does she just accept death? ‘ah fuck it just kill me i’ve had enough of this shite’.

i can’t tell how much i love ‘the master’s dalek plan’ line, it’s not even that funny but i just find it hilarious.

the boney m rasputin scene is great because its like the only scene that doesn’t take itself seriously and doctor who is missing this (good) cheesy campiness.

i wish they had done a straight up body swap that would have been so fun… oh well 😔

‘i still need a companion to ask and bask in my brilliance’ i would be your companion 😏

also funny that marketing for this era refuses to call them companions and instead ‘the doctor’s friends’ when they still use the term in show so like what was the point? lol.

‘i stashed some of my stuff in here early’ because of course you did.

‘i am the doctor and you will obey me’ nice 😏

‘change back. can’t be done’ unless you force me back into the machine and put a lot of regen energy into it 👍

‘while i tarnish the name of the doctor, im going to make the doctor a byword for fear, pain, and destruction so when people hear that name in future they quake in fear’ this was already a thing in the m*ffat era??? with 11 in a good man goes to war. honestly i straight up believe ch*bnall didn’t watch the m*ffat era.

yaz really just stood there whilst the master got changed i… okay.

these two planets at war and the master claiming to be the doctor and have done this, is like so inconsequential to plot like what’s the point?? i am suppose to care about these two unnamed planets full of unknown species??

‘no one to stop me now’ unless someone like points a gun at me then that’ll definitely stop me.

wow yaz actually does something! well done!

also how quickly the plot of the master!doctor (however we are catergorising this) is like dropped is like so frustrating cos again what! is! the point! what’s the point if we don’t see the consequences of this.

‘guardians of the edge’ you just made that up ,this actually isn’t a dig, i’m completely fine with this as a concept i like it. i think this is the best way to include past doctors without having the doctors physically in the story.

‘i have been working on this literally forever’ that’s why this literally the first time we’ve heard about.

‘under the gravest of circumstances like if i’m no longer around’ so is this like personal grave circumstances like if they’re in distress or in a literal sense in that the doctor isn’t around. I’m thinking about this too hard, it’s literally a plot convient device because we need the doctor her because god fucking forbid anyone else is given a chance to save the day.

‘you could have told us you’d done that’ yeah but then you might actually have some agency in your character yaz and we can’t have that.

also the way that this is never presented as a learning moment for the doctor… like wow what a great message about consent for children(!)

‘whoa the emotional receptors on the ai are a bit oversensitive. apparently you’re annoyed with me? apparently i should apologise for something?’ you mean putting body modifications into your friends’ bodies without their consent that something doctor? and then getting mad when someone dares tries to question you? 13th doctor i hate you. literally! villian! behaviour!

at this point i would advocate for yaz to straight up punch her in the face.

the fact the literally no other nuwho companion would ever put up being treated with way.

‘only one chance i’ve seen it in extreme circumstances, it’s incredibly dangerous, anything could happen’ like it honestly just makes sense for this to be the reason why fourteen looks like ten, that it’s a result of the forced degeneration, like idk if russell will follow up on this or if the cause of fourteen is the toymaker, we’ll have to wait and see.

also curious to know what the dangerous part of this was? i’m guessing that it could not work properly and the doctor could die? i don’t know they never specific.

this whole exposition dump of what tegan has been up to is so weird, when did we ask for your life story tegan?

i don’t understand why she would need to specify her son is adopted?? is that what she calls him to his face ‘adopted son’? you would just say son, no??? wtf??? it’s so unnatural to speak like this. ch*bnall doesn’t understand that people don’t speak in the exposition dumps.

like the whole speech could have been reduced to something along the line of ‘don’t worry i can handle myself’ or just the air hostess joke i guess. never mind there’s more chance of pigs flying than ch*bnall ever writing a second draft for his scripts.

‘i used to be good with heights’ sorry to be a fake fan but what is in this reference to? i can’t remember.

where does the parachute go? it literally disappears out of the shot in the tardis.

ace doesn’t ask where the doctor is??? …okay.

does the master really just assume yaz hasn’t been up to anything or planning something whilst she went off??? …okay.

‘you think you left and i never thought of you again, i never forget any of you, i remember everything.’ wow ch*bnall how to actually write the doctor. i wish there had been literally any more emotional moments in the ch*bnall era.

‘what am i thinking seeing all these cybermen? adric’ 😢

‘i missed you. missed you too, now please don’t get killed’ this scene between five and tegan is perfect, i wish literally any of the ch*bnall era had been done with this level of writing!!!

and we go straight back to typical ch*bnall! why the fuck does ace have to apologise?? wtf?? yeah because the doctor is in never in wrong (!) fuck off 😡😡😡 i hate this so much!!

‘i didn’t understand the burden you carried’ because ace was sixteen years old!! what the fuck is this line i…

what was graham gonna do about all the daleks???

‘i’m ace’ turns around to show the back of her jacket which has ace sewn on the back ‘yes you are’ this was very funny.

you know the last time kate faced the cybermen she threw a dismembered cyber head at them, now she’s quaking behind a table… okay.

do the cybermen and daleks know that their plans clash??? or are they all just very stupid?

tegan falling down that how many foot long shaft without getting scratch, now that’s what i call plot armour.

‘i think they make much better companions than you’ so fucking true bestie!!

jo martin my beloved

‘If you’re a friend of the doctor’s you aren’t going to use that’ i mean the master is aware of jack and like all of unit, so he does know that this isn’t a concrete rule with the doctor’s friends, but yknow we wouldn’t have a story unless everyone was fucking stupid.

do i think saying ‘not my doctor’ to a brown man is distasteful… yes.

when does yaz get given the sonic???

also im not even gonna ask how any of this logistically works.

like i would have accepted ‘reverse the polarity’ into explaining how they can do this. like literally the one time i want them to say reverse the polarity and they don’t!!

they just leave the master there!!! why?? he is going to escape you idiots!!

‘we used to be friends him and me’ she brings this up because...?

the complete whiplash of this doctor never knowing what’s going on to miraculously knowing how to solve everything and save the day in an instant (this thought process is never shown on screen).

the building collapses around them, they stand 5ft away from it and there’s not a single scratch on them… okay.

‘she’s still not explaining anything then?’ like it seems chibnall is self-aware of this but then never develops so like… what?

‘i’ll never understand it’ me talking about chris ch*bnall’s writing.

i don’t understand what the damage to the master’s body is suppose to be??? like the doctor is one who’s body have been through the most trauma this episode.

like i’m pretty sure yaz isn’t the only person to care enough about the doctor to run out to her, it’s just insulting to other companions imo.

wow yaz is buff as hell to be able to carry an unconscious doctor.

i don’t know this regeneration is so meaningless and so tacked on. like the doctor doesn’t sacrifice themselves to save the life of others, she just gets shot by big space laser because *checks notes* we need to regenerate by the end of the episode. like as with all ch*bnall writing there’s no emotional weight to any of it.

and i still think it should be the force regeneration that causes the inevitable regeneration that just makes a lot more sense to me. and then it would also be an actual consequence of the story and not just tacked on for the sake of it.

literally no goodbyes!! again!! i hate it here 😠

the cloister bells aren’t suppose to ring when the doctor is regenerating?? it’s for end of the world situations.

im sorry when the doctor says ‘i want more time’ it just sounds like a tantrum, like it comes across as so infantilising. like this isn’t anything like the ‘i could do so much more’ speech. idk sorry to compare.

‘i don’t want this to end’ that’s why i’m going to leave immediately as soon as you ask.

‘a wise person once said to me goodbyes only hurt because what came before was so special’ sorry to be a fake fan again, who said this???

i know the ‘no one else got to live our days’ is the second doctor, is it all from second doctor??

‘i think i need to do this next bit alone’ …but why???

not even a hug… oof.

‘how is she? how was she?’ don’t ask how yaz is feeling then.

JO! MEL! QUEENIES!!

big W for william russell.

‘are you okay? is she okay?’ why is yaz never allowed to talk about her own emotions!!! she is such a passive character it hurts!! why do we ever only care about the doctor.

like i think i’m in the minority but i don’t like the thirteen’s ‘tag you’re it’ line. like it’s really childish and just continues to infantilising this doctor. why does the female doctor have to be treated like a child all the time it’s really fucking weird and never sits well me.

final thoughts: so this post is long enough so i’ll try not to repeat myself too much. mixed reaction. i feel like the anniversary ep clashes with the regen episode. while i like the anniversary part of this ep, i loved the references and the fan service feel good and natural and not forced, so points for that. although the regen side of the ep let’s it down. there’s little emotional build up to the actual regen, lack of emotional moments period. having a good story means having good characters and good emotional depth and ch*bnall severely suffers on these fronts. because of any lack of emotional depth, the characters just seem to exist moving from set piece to set piece without any satisfying emotional journeys. i find it very annoying that tegan and ace (aside from their convos with their respective doctors) don’t really get any reconciliation with 13 and so i ask what’s the point. their inclusion in this story is not to progress their character’s stories and arcs, rather they simply exist for obligatory anniversary cameo which whilst is nice, is shallow and lacking substance. whilst yaz is actually active this story in saving the doctor, she is of course helped by the doctor, who is doing all the brain work, and so takes away from yaz who still appears like a sidekick. also yaz’s exit is the most passive companion exit i’ve ever seen, did ch*bnall forget to write this, who knows?? i don’t understand yaz’s exit at all and i’m sure i’m not the only one. sacha dhawan is great as always and this is his best performance so far! his dialogue is significantly better this episode too which is great. i love his earlier scenes in the lecture theatre (i know it’s not a lecture theatre i don’t know how else to describe it) and going into unit, i think he plays the camp perfectly. i only wished we’d (a.) had a proper body swap between the master and the doctor, dhawan!doctor my beloved or b.)) had much more focus on the master’s plan especially the emotional depth to it, it’s gets very convoluted very quickly. the master!doctor seemingly has very little consequences and is undone very quickly for my liking. i also hated how passive the doctor seemed this episode, she barely reacts to the force regen situation and doesn’t even try to fight again it???? anyway i feel like i’ve talk a lot now, thanks for reading if you made this far!

[kaeiouj]

pov: you have an exam coming up but you’re kinda sick

i have my compsci exam tomorrow but i have a bad headache. i havent been sleeping well recently (i literally almost passed out midway through my english exam) and i thought oh. i fucked up haha. and i kinda moved ahead to my ‘being-sick-during-exams’ routine and i realised hey why not i write a post about it so (a) i will look at it from time to time and remember to take a fucking break and (b) maybe i’ll help someone out?

these are all techniques for physical illnesses like a fever, headache, cough, cold or like general tiredness etc etc. i have no clue how to deal with anxiety or being depressed either bestie but if you have any tips feel free to share i need it :’)

take rest. now i know its really basic of me to say this but i cant start this list without saying it. also, this acts as a reminder for everyone who feels bad about taking breaks- you deserve one, breaks are very important and you will not regret it if you actually end up feeling better afterwards, yknow?

drink plenty of water, sleep well, take meds. im the sort of person who kinda forgets to do all this but during exams i write physical reminders to do so. because its extremely important yknow? let me say it this way- drinking water and taking medicine helps you get better. getting better means you can study even the slightest bit better. so do it. 

prioritize feeling ‘okay’ at the morning of the exam rather than finishing your syllabus. this is the single most important thing ever so let me expand

from personal experience, i’ve found that even if i am 100% prepared for an exam, i do terrible when im not well at all 

and why am i not well? because i stayed up all night studying and not really being healthy 

so in the end, even though i was prepared (at the expense of my health) i did bad simply because i got the sickest during the day of my exam

and that really did teach me a lesson lmao. because the next time i was sick the day before an exam, i kinda relaxed on the studying (despite being only like 30% done with the studying), did the bare minimum, made sure to get enough sleep and took medicine.

in addition to that i also made sure i was feeling as upbeat as i could be during the morning of the exam, and eliminated every stressful thing i could. 

and i actually did very well for the exam! i was elated because it is pretty difficult to get anything above an 80% and i got 92%. (not me seeking academic validation LMAOOO)

the lesson learnt here is that it doesnt matter how much you study if youre barely functional the day of the exam. it seems simple but really, keep that in mind. 

a few extra tips-

go through your exam pattern and syllabus and figure out

most important topics

frequently asked topics

the bare minimum you need to know to do well

and find out what overlaps all three of these and focus on covering those first (make this list of things to cover as short as possible). if you have more time on your hands afterwards try to either do practice questions or cover a bit more of the syllabus (i recommend practice questions).

and finally, a reminder-

you know more than you think you do. i read this sentence in a post somewhere and it honestly struck with me so much? i apply it most to problem solving but you could really use it any context.

so whenever you feel like you know absolutely nothing (which is a quite common feeling actually, dont worry about it)- 

take a deep breath.

see if anything feels familiar

work it out slowly

you got this bestie <33 also remember your mental health comes first, toxic productivity is incredibly unsexy and also that everyone has different study techniques so... yeah. all the best!!!

TL;DR

- breaks and rest are IMPORTANT health IMPORTANT

- feeling better the day of the exam >>>>> finishing your syllabus and being a 100% prepared academically but dysfunctional mentally

- it really is okay no matter how you do

- you know more than you think you do