#im fine just like severely unwell

[calicoups]

i am severely unwell after watching this.

cus why did i keep rewatching this video.

the fucking body rolls in that skin tight ass sheer shirt is fucking insane like if you wanted me to go mental just say that choi seungcheol when i catch you

guys i am really not okay. the fucking body rolls and the way you can see his torso moving like that so clearly because of the skin tight sheer shirt i’m gonna fucking lose my minnddddddd he’s so fine im gonna cry i cant do this what the fuck!!!!!

[feelingpoorly]

Life lesson: avoid expired egg noodles

So I usually post whiny attention seeking shit like this on my insta bc even tho my kink does not apply to me at all, in some weird way complaining about how ill and knowing people would see it still kinda turns me on a little

But I figured what better place to whine about it here instead since, idk this is kinda what this blog is for

-

So we went to the shop last night and got a bunch of food from the reduced section. We do this fairly regularly cuz the expired food is so cheap and it’s usually fine if you eat it same day

Well I learnt my lesson lol. Amongst one of the things we got a couple packs of fresh egg noodles in some sauce. I didn’t really like them, but store bought is never gonna be as good as the real thing anyway right?

I was snacking on some cereal at like midnight, having eaten these noodles at like 7. I noticed that I was getting pretty severe stomach pain in the top of my stomach. It was weird and I didn’t really understand why. However I had taken some prescription painkillers earlier that day and although I take a different medication with them to try and stop this happening, they can have a habit of wrecking my stomach and giving me a tummy ache. I thought it was weird, since I definitely HAD remembered to take them with the other med this time, but whatever

Anyway I woke up this morning, we were going out to meet up with some of my partners friends for coffee. I immediately realised I felt bloated as hell, like painfully so. I figured it would pass once I was up and moving around.

It did not.

It pretty quickly progressed into pretty severe stomach cramps, to the point where every time I stood up, it would cramp so hard I couldn’t stop myself from kinda curling over and wincing. At that point I was starting to worry something was actually wrong and I wasn’t just a bit bloated.

I quite quickly started feeling pretty sick, and that’s panic territory for me, being emetophobic. I took a dissolvable anti sickness tablet, but the nausea combined with the horrible cramping made me feel very unwell. I really felt awful and sick and at that point I had to say to my partner, if I say I don’t feel well please can you just take me home. I didn’t know how I was gonna cope sitting in a coffee shop feeling like this. When the cramps hit I was in a lot of pain. Bearing in mind I live with chronic pain, I’m not a baby about pain, but this was the kind of pain that you just wince voluntarily and I couldn’t hide it.

Thankfully the anti sickness meds kicked in, and after sitting down for a while the nausea and the cramps settled down a bit to the point where I was no longer freaking out about being ill in public. I should probably add here that on the way there in the car, my stomach was making some really upset sounding deep rumbling gurgles. Like it didn’t sound good. The kinda gurgles that only come with being sick. I didn’t feel well enough to have a drink or anything to eat which probably looked a little suss. Later on a got just a bottle of lemonade hoping it would settle my stomach but when I sipped it, it just make it worse and my stomach started cramping again.

Skip to being home this evening, I’d thought the worse was over and I’d been feeling kinda ok. I had some light dinner, and what a fucking bad idea that was lol.

Im not having the intermittent intense cramps anymore but like, now my whole stomach feels bloated af again and I have like this sharp cramping pain kinda all over, both upper and lower stomach with just no relief. I’m so bloated my stomach is sticking out but there’s no relief from it at all. Holding my stomach helps but I feel so embarrassed so I’ve tried to hide it and only rub my tummy when my partner went to sleep.

What makes it worse, is that up until this point I had no idea what caused any of this. But when we got home, there was an absolutely rancid smell in the kitchen that smelt like off, rotting food. It was absolutely foul. It almost even smelt like vomit, and just smelling it made my nausea kick off all over again.

It was the leftover noodles. And let me tell you, they smelt pungent as FUCK. I literally ate those last night, and they smell that bad today? No wonder I’ve felt ill. I have that shit in my stomach. Even after my partner bagged up the leftovers, sealed it and put it in the bin, just the PLATE they were on is still emitting this foul smell, it’s just awful

Eating dinner was a bad choice, because now I just feel worse again. I don’t feel that sick anymore, probably because of the meds, but my stomach feels horrible again. I’m in so much pain, I can’t suck my tummy in at all with how sore and bloated and painful it is. I feel like an absolutely pathetic self indulgent lil bitch but I literally just went to make myself a hot water bottle to hold to my tummy as I try and sleep, because it hurts and this is not fun. I just want some relief, and currently nothing else is helping. As I’m lying here holding my tummy with one hand and holding the hot water bottle on it with the other, it’s gurgling and glugging really loudly sickly again and it just feels awful. I can literally feel it in my insides, and with the way it feels I just really hope it doesn’t all come back up again, probably still along with the undigested noodles from last night if the way I’m feeling is anything to go by 🥺

-

Anyway, I just came here to complain about it in way too much detail lmao. Hopefully someone enjoys my misery. As I said, although it’s embarrassing as hell, somehow the thought of other people knowing or being sympathetic etc is also kinda hot

If anyone wants to use my sorry ass as fic inspo then ofc you have my blessing lmao. In fact, if you do, PLEASE let me know as I’d love to read it haha

Anyway, off to moan quietly to myself and hold the hot water bottle on my aching tummy now x

[prettyboykatsuki]

So I don’t wanna be a downer but I’m speaking as someone who has actually e6’d multiple units (and c6’d a few genshin characters): always prepare for the worst case scenario. 700 wishes is definitely doable but only if you get a 5 star at/before soft pity every time and win around half of your 50/50s.

There’s also the light cone banner to consider: are you pulling s1? Add another 130-160 wishes. Don’t count on the 75/25.

For example: my e6s1 imbibitor lunae cost me $700 on top of the 235 ish pulls I had saved (+guarantee on e0 and LC banner win at soft pity). It was about 595 wishes in total which is incredibly lucky. E6s1 Acheron was about double that. Which is about middle of the road. Max dollar amount you’re looking at is ~$2k ish.

I don’t say all this to dissuade you, but as someone who has spent the money I just think it’s important to be realistic and remember that even with luck you’re still probably going to be spending several hundred dollars to e6 a character unless you save for at least 8 patches (how long it takes to accumulate about 700 f2p pulls). I hope it goes well and you’re able to get your e6 Sunday but in this case please do not be misled into thinking it’s easier/cheaper than it is by someone who’s never actually e6’d a character (sorry for making an assumption but from their wording it sounds like other nonnie hasn’t).

700 wishes sounds fine and dandy in a vacuum but don’t ever count on luck in gacha or you’ll probably be disappointed. Anyways, gl with your saving and please spend responsibly!!! Pls let me know if you have any questions about e6ing!!!

reading this felt like getting steam rolled AHSKFJE not in a negative way just in the way of like goddamn these games are really gambling hell holes LMAOOO

and its okay i am insane but also broke so my plan to e6 sunday is overtime / through several patches!! though being honest i am unwell enough to spend several hundred during his first release !! i do appreciate the advice though but given my dogshit luck i am always betting on worst case scenario. my luck is unbelievably bad so i am never betting on it being on my side LOLLL

ironically it’s probably one of the reasons pulling on this game does not haunt me. im going to lose so i only pull if i Really Want A Character. still i think this is good advice for other people interested in e6ing and in general. the insight is appreciated

[chewchuck]

AND ANOTHER THING! (IM BACK FOR MORE)

I absolutely picked up on a few things that honestly had me just asking more questions about Chilchuck’s pov. On one hand, I usually love seeing each pov within the chapters, but! on the other, it was very what’s the word… fitting? nicely done. how you handle the showing and telling of the story

My internal dialogue was a lot of “Oh surely this man is not entirely oblivious to dog boy over here.” “Oh he has GOT to be thinking thoughts rn.” So eek! Yes I am so excited about the addition lol

Also I have no idea WHAT they’re put in this stuff, but Dungeon Meshi has just… gotten me in a chokehold. The Chilaios Nation, don’t know what y’all are doing, but it also has me in a chokehold. Scarily dragging me in. I am obsessing I am refreshing my tabs I am unwell I am blessed with a feast fit for a king this is affecting my mental health I need sleep. Anyway, love all the chilaios nation folks <3

listen to me. look me in my eyes. i am gripping you by the shoulders. this is everything to me

because so genuinely while writing the first part, i considered every single aspect of what chikchuck thought about what was going on. what was he feeling what was he thinking etc etc and i while i don’t always think that’s necessarily for a limited pov fic, especially not when it comes to one that boils down to self indulgent smut, like i said *i* knew what he was going through and wanted to try to translate that to the audience with out like. making it so obvious that laios should have picked up on it.

and when trying to convey something subtle like that it’s so easy for it to go completely unnoticed. and honestly i do think i would have been just fine with that actually! bc i never intended to make a second part of this from chilchucks pov!

but the way sooo many people have been like “i am picking up on this” just made me so happy!!! like i said a billion times while writing this i made and am still making this for me first and foremost! it’s self indulgent and all about what *i* want to happen and what makes me happy

but that doesn’t change the fact that i am so overwhelmingly happy that so many other people are enjoying it!! im over the moon about that! and thats a HUGE part of why i got inspired to actually write a chilchuck pov!!!

(and not to curse myself but uhm. based on the current word count compared to the equivalent part of the first part it. well it might end up longer. but shh don’t tell anyone)

BUT YEAH WTF DID RYOKO KUI PUT IN THIS FUCKING SHOW AND WHAT IS IT ABOUT CHILAIOS NATION.

i think it’s crack cocaine

i’m would like to reiterate/make it clear that i made this blog LESS THAN A WEEK AGO. that’s how insane this shit had made me. it’s been less than a week and i’ve made a whole side blog, wrote over 11k of fic, made several friends, joined a discord server and am HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE. i am having more fun in this fandom than i can remember having in almost 15 years

sorry this reply got REALLY long but. it just feels good. i’m happy. i’m having fun and im glad there are other people along for the ride who are having fun as well :3

[sparrowposting]

career anxiety which turned into existential dread which turned into me guiltily defending my use of stories as narrative framing devices for my own life & human existence as storytelling more broadly (smthn smthn sometimes you gotta be a little mentally unwell to be mentally well)

what is possibly the longest cringe worst thing ive ever put on this webbed site, but i gotta get it out in writing to clear my head and i type more quickly than i write and if there's a post length limit by god i'm gonna find out

with my deepest apologies if this readmore doesnt work

so we had a Big Fancy Meeting at work today, with a group of information professionals from an Outside Institution (some of whom i had met previously), and which i got to sit in on/play tech support for, which was all fine and well for the actual presentation portion of the event, but afterwards when it was informal chatting and the like it was just???

The following things are true:

i actually got to speak with people close-ish to my age and in my profession

it was a very nice and enjoyable experience and we got to talk both seriously about professional things and also jokingly shoot the shit about shared woes with this one outdated archival software that everyone under the age of 60 hates with a passion

i was also incredibly jealous of this group of archivists & librarians because they're all /friendly/ with each other and i am lonely being the youngest person at work

i am also jealous because theyre working on very exciting projects at A Big Institution with Actual Resources and Technology and PROCEDURES my beloved, and not the slapdash kinda thing going on at my work

this in turn made me anxious because there were certain elements of the conversation i couldn't follow and i worry about my professional development at my current job, and that my technical skills are either atrophying, or not growing in a way that would enable me to get hired at A Big Institution like this one (which is the ultimate goal)

this in turn made me more stressed about my current job, which i just got promoted to fulltime permanent for the following

beyond the skill atrophy fear there is also the fact that my boss is grooming me to be her successor when she retires in 5 yrs and i very Much Do Not Want to be here in 5 years

this adds several layers of guilt

i was just promoted so im getting really sweet messages of congrats from random ppl in other departments who i didnt even think knew/care i existed - the people at this workplace are extremely nice, even if im like. meh. about some of the work/procedures/etc

a large part of my promotion being approved hinged on the fact that im undertaking this big technical project that my boss doesnt have the technical know-how to do. so i cant just bail and leave them high and dry without feeling guilt. but also. it's not so fancy a project that someone else couldnt do it. anyone in my field worth their salt and not super old should be able to handle it. sure i work hard and im friendly, but surely that's not that rare in an employee

i dont even KNOW if there's better opportunities out there. but i see stuff on the listserv all the time, and assuming i could land those jobs, they pay better and are at larger orgs and more in line with what i want

there is an element to working non-profit adjacent that is guilt inducing as well as [redacted thing about my work that would make me feel even guiltier for leaving, i cannot say what, but it is Significant]

this of course, tapped into my larger, ongoing sense of ennui and being 'stuck' and fears about unchosen monotony and purposelessness and all that mid 20s recent grad existential bullshit. i cant really do anything to solve it bc yknow, unprecedented housing crisis, rent is insane, im stuck living in a dysfunctional household which traumatized me as a child, etc etc etc. but broadly:

i am afraid of being stuck in a mediocre job forever. my boss has worked for two (2) archives her whole life and has always done non-profit adjacent work and is like. a one man small archive thing. i VERY MUCH DO NOT WANT THAT

i feel guilty for wanting

idk how to want things or be a person (separate issue), but i know very much what i want career wise. i know what makes me happy and satisfied. and i know what im good at. im doing fine at my current job but i know i could be so much MORE and i want that desperately

if my personal life is always doomed to be dismal, as is my family life, can i at least have one thing

i gave up academia for my mental health and some degree of financial stability, can i at least satisfy SOME of my ambitions here?? just a few??

yes this is pride. yes this is ambition. just bc i spent so long extremely depressed and with 0 self esteem does not make me immune to ambition, even if non traditional.

i feel immense guilt over this but i dont stop wanting it

ofc, my brain is a web, all existence is inextricably interconnected, and im listening to the tge audiobook on my commute and rotating csevet in my brain, thara is more personal, more beloved maybe, but csevet is my fave lil guy babygirl and i have a thing for fantasy secretaries, so i am now thinking even MORE of ambition, and how i have it, and how i love that im good at this one complex but boring thing, i am thinking of kip mdang, of kamet, of muire lo, of how some of my deepest loves, in no particular order, include: organization and scheduling, devotion, competency, well-ordered policies and procedures, righteous anger, boring skills being used to change the world for good, small kindnesses, Duty, loyalty to a person or ideal which goes beyond the functional and the expected and which extends into unprecedented levels of intimacy - whether it be friendship, qprs, romance, etc, and also, metadata and research

so. as i sit there sorting this all out in my brain i am like. wow you are a pathetic human being. you are not even a person. like. why is everything being framed in terms of narrative and story. why does everything relate to a Broader Theme or Arc or Meaning.

i am forcibly reminded of being undiagnosed, unmedicated, aged 18/19 and trying to explain smthn really personal about myself to someone i knew from youth group and him being like. wow. you describe everything and relate to everything from stories.

to this day i live in embarassment over this moment. but also. lowkey. fuck him. and tradcath circles be WILD, the social dynamics BAD, and it was not the place for me to be, even tho i latched on to it lacking any other social contact at the time. if a complete mental breakdown, latent OCD, and a really painful loss of friends is what it took to get me out. like. i cant say i dont regret the loss, but also, i like who im becoming much better now

ANYWAY. i got thinking about stories and why i am and am not extremely cringe

i am a big believer in storytelling is the oldest human activity. it's the most fundamental human activity. this isn't some nihilistic devaluing of the human person, the soul, the human experience, it is instead and elevation of the story. because like. stories are what we do to live. it's why we live. it's how we communicate. storytelling is how we turn to another person and we attempt to communicate the innermost secrets of our heart. language is a flawed tool always ultimately falling short. but we use stories to share ourselves with each other, to be recognized and known, and throughout the ages, to share our grief and love, to know to oneself, no, i'm not the only one, others have experienced this before too. stories are balms and inspirations and are ultimately reflections of their creators, they reflect some Truth about the human experience back to us

im not even talking like. published stories. tv shows. mcu ification of media. i mean /stories/. in whatever form. from whatever time. this isn't a fandom thing - though there is overlap, im not talking about consumption for the sake of consumption, or consumption as a personality trait

i mean like. stories as the bedrock of humanity because it is the only way we can attempt to understand ourselves. stories are foundational because the human person is too complex, having too much of the image of the divine in it, to ever be really fully successfully understood. and so of course. of course we turn to stories in times of trouble, and triumph, and all the times in between. how could we not turn to stories to attempt the divine understanding that is always ultimately beyond us?

(i have a whole other locked and loaded series of thoughts on storytelling in faith traditions, and specifically how the bible is a literary work as well as a spiritual one, and the reasons for this reflected in the human soul, but i digress)

so really. maybe i am pathetic and cringe and a fake not real person (i am all of those things), but i hope it's not because i think in stories, in themes, in arcs. everything is tangled in my brain, inextricable, i can do nothing else, i know nothing else, i would not want anything else, unless it were the full divine understanding beyond mortal means

and besides. i am trying. to be better. to be more. to have comforts and hobbies beyond this. the crafting. the cooking. the career ambitions that arose when i found something that i was good at and enjoyed and was /me/. my insatiable need to learn to dance.

i dont know where im going with this. i barely know where i started. it's stories all the way down, because it's people all the way down, and we are all mirrors of each other and we are all connections with each other in a vast caring world. or. so i like to think

[bicon-crange]

can the nosey ones know abt ur crush? :3c dw if not. my condolences (positive)

yeah sure why not i cant stop fucking talking about it anyways.

iiii dont know if its necessarily a crush though!! definitely an obsession. definitely some kind of. fixation. thanks for your condolences i definitely fucking need them. TT-TT )

its like. uh. this person i know whos sooo articulate and smart and. theyre really sweet. yknow BASIC SHIT. theyre great everyone likes them.

anyways when we first started talking it was like. some kinda. there was clashing. i guess is how you could put it? but every time we finished talking i felt soo like. electrified. like buzzing. like my whole body was just shaking. adrenaline? maybe?

i really thought at first that it was just a friendly interest. some sort of.. y'know intellectual thing! you meet someone whos so much smarter than you and whos ideas are so well put together and who thinks YOU'RE interesting and of course you want to know more of how their brain works of course youre. captivated a bit yknow? thats like. normal. to feel. i think.

oh the first couple times we talked i went so nuts! i reread over our convos like a thousand times and reiterated our talks several times to EVERYONE in my house. its so actually embarrassing. but they were good convos you HAAAVE to understand. it was like. ducking weaving. it was like. some sort of mental exercise . and i thought it was like. normal. but it just kept. HAPPENING. AND HAPPENING. AND HAPPENING.

and i tell you what this was a lot easier a month or so ago when i was like I JUST REALLY LIKE TALKING TO THIS PERSON!! ^_^ (<- STILL A DEFINITE POSSIBILITY) cause ugh. lately its like. ever since the thought popped in my head that this interest MIIIGHT be romantic in nature its. ALLLL DAY thinking about them its so nuts! its so constant!! its literally like a fucking DISEASE... i feel like. angry over it? spiteful? almost? it reminds me of when i had a crush on a guy in elementary school and I didnt know how to handle it so i beat the hell out of him with a lunch box.

like im over here forgetting shit left and right and messing up basic conversation skills and having heart palpitations and theyre like. fine probably. iiii honestly dont think they even think about me lol. i mean definitely not as much as i am,easy, because im totally insane and obsessive i know this.

we also dont talk so much! its not very often! so yeah im sure they dont think about me as much. im even definitely sure if i ever verbalized this it wouldnt work out. ive visualized them turning me down like 20 different ways for 20 different reasons just today. lots of reasons yknow! im mentally unwell and totally nuts, im immature and also very ugly im unable to carry out a meaningful relationship because of my chronic pain problems and various health issues, all of that is fine but my obsessive nature is really freaky,LD relationships are a no-go, they just dont like me that way, ect ect ect.

its sooo stupid. its SO middle school. they type a response to me and i can barely look at the screen. i feel SO fucking stupid its insane. im like. going to claw my eyes out of my head and chew on them till they burst. i hate it here. and its never going to be reciprocated whatsoever so im literally not even going to try.

BESIDES Y'KNOW!! I DONT EVEN KNOW FOR SURE IF THATS WHAT IM FEELING!! its been wracking my brain for a week straight!! its like. am i just fascinated on an intellectual level, am i just interested in an anthropological sense, are these just really good conversations, if this just normal friendship and im making things super weird? am i just excited that someone seems to get what im saying about what im interested in? yknow. dumb.

either way TLDR; im waiting for it to pass. either I'll sort my own feelings out or itll pass! if its infatuation, GOOD, that has a expiration date of 1-2 years so i will just box it up and not think about it and not do anything about it. ^_^ )9 and it WILL die. BUT if you know how to force that process to go along faster let me KNOW.

[oswednesday]

my gparents house on my dads side is one of the oldest in the city but also built where there was no places around it until much later while not really having "land claim" which is weird and then it burnt down but in that just where theres a lot of fire damage all over but not structural damage like all the plaster walls still intact just completely toasted burnt surface would my gparents bought it in the state and refurbished it because he was an architect like it was his trade and he designed and aided in building a lot of hospitals both in that city and in various places in illinois and nyc <-explaining in some ways why im like this, he was actually well regarded but never widely celebrated which im sure contributed to his strangely frail ego, its one of those things where you either get to be an a-list artitect or you are a neighborhood husband of several children with a stay at home wife in a catholic district larping poverty but you cant be both and he went with the latter making everyones lives miserable and while i have some positive memories it doesnt over shadow his bigotry or unwell behaviors anyway im sure hes dead now and no one has bothered to even inform me which is fine i guess its not like i loved them and they hurt me a bunch and broke my heart with their unrepentant foul behavior but whatever anyway the point of this post is

for a house that size there were a lot of strange nooks and spirit doors like doors leading to no where, narrow hall ways sealed off by walls and stuff like that, it was a big house still is but not like spirit door secret rooms big you know? when they were doing the construction they found a bunch of stuff in the walls, this is normal for a house that age but it was like a large amount like filled boxes like in total there were like at least 30 something doors interior and exterior with like 10 being exterior doors some with zero evidence of ever having a balcony or fire escape on the outside they turned most of those into windows and i had like three of the most like hey paranormal might be real or i need to go on ziprasidone it was also like catty corner cross the street from the catholic church they belonged to at the end of their lives hell maybe theyre still alive and pushing 100 all while smoking and drinking all life long, my greataunt who has Got to be dead also completely uninformed by that smoked all while on an oxygen tank she was an ass but i loved her in the way sometimes an ass at a distance is too cool, well im going to need all the help i can get generics wise so while wretchedly clinging to this earth i am grateful for that

[angelicalbones]

im so nervous to go home after work tonight. I have genuine thoughts and concerns about our relationship and how he treats me but something in me snapped last night and I was just so cruel.

like i dunno he just threw at me out of no where that hes apparently made multiple attempts on his life recently and I had no other reaction than to laugh. Like are you serious? like I know why I laughed because this isn't the first time hes done this or anyone at all has done this to me to make me feel guilty for trying to call them to task and I just cant take his emotional manipulation sometimes but also like

that's cruel to do to anyone. I care for him so much and I am so fucking scared for his safety and well being 24/7. I have had to threaten him with baker acting him or making him stay with his aunt and uncle during the day before because I was so fucking scared I would come home to him dead. Of course he told me that was evil to do and he hated me for even thinking about it even tho hes the one who said "I can't do this anymore let me die"

Fuck I dont know I know I shouldnt have been so mean, I fucking lost it so severely last night but also he is so fucking mean to me all the time. At the slightest provacation it becomes him drilling into me about how I've done nothing but use him for his money and everything is my fault and he has paid for my entire life and I wouldnt be wehre I am without him and I owe him everything. Im never allowed to get a word in edgewise but if I dont speak im an idiot who is abusively stonewalling him and leaving him to suffer alone.

but if I do speak and say the wrong thing(which is literally everything) I'm a fucking moronic bitch who will never understand him and his guy friends are the only ones who actually care about him and I'm evil and want him to die alone and am a sociopathic bitch who can't connect with people ever.

last night I suggested we go out to a bar event we were invited to by his hair dresser and it spiralled into this multi hour long fight. He got so fucking angry at me for suggesting we go do something with other people when he was just screaming and crying about not knowing anyone and not doing anything with his life. I got fed up and told him fine I will go without him if he refuses to join me.

Which might have been the worst possible shit I couldve said I swear to god. The amount of times he said I was a sociopathic bitch who was abandoning him because he is mentally unwell is frankly what caused my outbursts. Just because I said I Was going to go to a bar thing we were invited to.

He then told me to fucking leave like 5 seperate times (which is like the 18th time hes done it in our relationship) so I threw up my fucking hands and cleaned out the car, and started seperating my clothes from his. And suddenly his tune fucking changed. He didn't just tell me to leave I'm choosing to. He never said leave I am deciding to run away in stead of work on our relationshipp.

Despite literally saing the words "Go back to fucking michigan" and "Then you should just fucking leave" multiple times. Apperantely that doesn't in fact mean leave it means beg for my forgiveness.

I then got in trouble for making a mess in the closet and he bitched while we hung my shit back up even tho I told him to leave and I would clean it bc he has to be a fucking martyr about fucking everything just like his dad.

God I cant fucking handle this, when we are good we are so fucking good it's like the universe personally crafted him for me. Similar tastes in media, music, humor, literally everything lines up so beautifully. But when it's bad I want to fucking kill myself . He hates everything about me and I am the worst person to ever happen to him.

I can never know which one is the real one. I'm so tired. I dont want to go home. I want to hide somewhere else forever.

[twslug]

gonna answer all the q's of that one post i rbed like two days ago or something, answers below break if u gaf (really not groundbreaking info)

answers start here:

that i don't have to do a lot of things (both academically and in my personal life) that i don't want to do but pressure myself to do anyway. a lot of things really and truly Do Not matter

isolating myself due to anxiety or aimless frustration that i don't have an outlet for,,, big fan of Being locked in a room for hours

fav self care is skin care/workout and good music, i'm listening to my girly pop playlist post-workout (current song is toxic by nico rosberg aka britney bitch, so just envision these mentally ill answers with fergie and britney and katy perry and rihanna in the background)

most vivid memory is definitely not a visual memory, i've got some memory loss so i don't remember much of anything about my life. HOWEVER i have an echoic memory, so i really latch onto peoples' voices. i looove f1 with all the different accents and languages (lowkey linguistics hpfx) so i can have drivers narrating my thoughts. charles's voice is super imprinted on my brain because he has a very unique (imo) speech cadence and choice of wording in english, same for max (both verstappen and fewtrell), lando, and other random celebrities or youtubers or irls or characters etc etc.

would like to recieve some emotional/social support, was kind of pushed to the side because my brother is more extroverted, better at school, had asthma and ocd and several food allergies, but i was left to my own devices because i was much quieter and in the background.

have always wanted to be able to take academics into my own hands, as per the last answer, i am very quiet irl and have a hard time asking for help so i spend a lot of schooling teaching myself, so i've mastered the ability to put my head down and succeed by myself but at what cost yknow, i cant even speak to professors or other students

apathy. chronic, neverending, borderline infectious apathy. im very stubborn so if my brain has become apathetic about something then you will never get me to care about it, even if i myself want to

rly gets to me when people are mean to people i like, for an f1 example, idk i like a lot of the drivers but seeing people be blatantly mean to them (criticism and affectionate jabs are Fine) really makes me feel upset and/or almost ill, i get rly anxious for some reason like i'm the one being insulted

no i don't cry. not really (back to the playlist, family ties by baby keem just came on TURN THIS SHIT UUUPPP) anyway i dont really cry, lots of apathy, forced to be the quiet kid etc etc

have done lots of improvement on my body image and having confidence in what i say/believe, esecially in a family setting, lots of my problems are from childhood and being overly quiet/shy, so i rly struggle(d) with speaking my mind but now Nobody has anything on me, my moms dad was a county sheriff and i openly rip on cops in front of her like fuccckkk off u made me like this

was very mentally ill at the time (was also during covid, so i was really mentally unwell), and they had their own problems, ended up having a rly toxic relationship. neither of us had redeeming qualities, said some things we shouldn't have, like mutual punching bags

wish i could connect to my new roommates for this upcoming college/university semester, again: very bad at talking to people, maybe it will be better when we all live together (copium)

POLITICS TIME: i get irrationally angry at people who know nothing about the US south, i live here and it pisses me off when most political "hot takes" about american southern conservatism are boiled down to classism and/or racism, drives me fucking insane

i only like affectionate teasing if i know you rly well or the jab isnt something im insecure about, but im a bit of a hypocrite because i playfully insult people all the time, good rule of thumb i follow is just never go for appearance, all makes u look like a dick

prefer to be numb, because even though its one of the worst things to ever happen to my Cranium, i have a really easy time letting things go and not being upset over things i should probably be upset about. its kind of peaceful when u come to terms with it

talent ive overlooked/lost is ,,,,,,, i actually dont know, i think ive honed the things im really good at, i was really good at being a stage manager in school theatre (was assistant director and stage manager for les mis in 10th grade, bitches love my organizational skills), maybe i pick that up again somewhere

call me seb vettel the way i really liked dark blue in the but switched to loving bright bright #ff0000 red, like the brightest u can get... good shit... Also british racing green forever and always

my stuffed animals :-) no harm in keeping them, i suppose

well this ones easy because i dont like talking about infodumping about the innerworkings of my Psyche but here we are, i feel a bit bothersome, hence this entire post being hidden under a page break ..

LAST ONE (current song playing is dancing in the moonlight by king harvest, for those of u following along athome), i believe people think im much kinder than i think i am. if that makes sense. i know the things ive said to other people, about other people, about myself, etc, and i just feel this kind of imposter syndrome whenever people say they think im rly kind or fun to be around because i know deep down i am miserable and evil and nasty... And dont even hit me w that "bad people dont care that theyre bad so u caring makes u not bad" no no no, thats the thing, i dont care . i am Evil... ebil,,,,,, Deomn evil

[tinylittlebab]

we arent hanging out today either i guess

if she doesnt wanna hang out with me thats fine but at least fucking tell me instead if "oh im gonna do something else because you seemed like you feel unwell" even though i specifically asked her when we could hang out because i want to and ive been asking for several days. we had planned this. i dont know what i did wrong.

we dont get much time to hang out and the time we do have rn she just doesnt want to which is fine if she would just tell me

instead she told me this morning what time we would and then changed it later on because i "seem tired" :( thats so mean. why did you even say yes if you didnt wanna. and she could just SAY oh id rather hang out with other person right now but she didnt. and also like. theyve been hamging out a bunch. they were togteher all day yesterday and i spoke to her for all of 5 minutes. i didnt even see her once the day before.

im not even gonna get to do my fun thing at all today. i feel so awful. i dont know if shes mad at me or maybe she just realized im annoying and unpleasant. maybe i didnt even do anything specific and shes just tired of me. i wish i had other friends.

maybe we will hangout later if she isnt actually mad at me or something. idk. i wish i wasnt crying bc now i cant leave my room awhile. my throat hurts so much today :(

i kinda just wanna die right now

[clumsyclifford]

(bashing my head against a wall) luke hemmings  

[someonestolemyshoes]

Hi! Have u done any pregnant Hanji and overprotective daddy Levi already?? Yep i think im craving for more domestic levihan family, im sorry 😭

Im a bit new here in the community, and when i read ur works, i fell in love with it already, thank you for existing!!! 💖💖💖

Hello anon! Thank you so much, I’m so glad you enjoyed my other fics :3 Sorry for the very long wait for this one, I've been struggling to find the time/motivation to write lately, but I'm feeling a little better and I figured I'd get to work on some of my prompts. Starting here!!

It ended up a little less domestic and a touch more angsty than I had originally planned, but only for a moment--happy endings all round! 

Warning: this does start off with non-graphic depictions of nausea/vomiting, I hope that doesn't bother you!

Hange had been feeling unwell for days.

It wasn't an uncommon occurrence—Hange tended to wake up feeling nauseous some days, most often when she'd neglected to eat a decent meal the evening before—but this was the fourth morning in a row now, that Hange found herself bent over the toilet bowl in the early hours of the morning, heaving up nothing but acid and empty air. 

She retched until her stomach ached. There was nothing left to bring up, but her gut still rolled unpleasantly and there was a telling tremor under her tongue that warned her it might be best to stay in the bathroom a little while longer. She settled heavily against the wall to catch her breath.

It didn't make any sense. For most of the day, Hange felt fine. A little tired, maybe, but that was only to be expected after spending half the night every night on the bathroom floor. Tonight, no doubt, would follow the uncomfortably familiar routine: Hange would dry-heave a little longer, until the queasiness abated enough for Levi to convince her to come back to bed, and then she would toss and turn, too warm beneath the bed clothes, until she could fall into a restless sleep. She'd wake up feeling a little groggy, a little bleary, unreasonably hungry, but after a coffee and some breakfast she would feel well again. Perfectly normal.

Like clockwork, Levi appeared in the doorway just as Hange had flopped herself back over the toilet. She felt his palm, cool and soft, press against the back of her neck. Hange gathered her hair back from her face with both hands, braced her elbows on the toilet bowl, letting out a groan of discomfort as her stomach twisted, threatened to revolt again. Levi's thumb rubbed soothingly against her neck.

Sure enough, she brought up nothing more, but she gagged plenty, and found herself gasping for breath by the time she leaned back against Levi, aching and exhausted. His lips pressed into her damp hair.

Levi was as silent as always. His touch was pleasant, his presence welcome. Hange needed the hand he offered to pull her to her feet, needed his reassuring grip at her hips as she brushed her teeth and rinsed her mouth out. Her quaking knees felt unstable beneath her. 

He lay facing her after they got into bed. Hange was sprawled out atop the covers, shifting restlessly to find the coolest patches on the bed. Levi watched her for a moment, then said, "This isn't normal."

Hange only grumbled.

"You said you'd book an appointment with the doctor."

Hange grumbled again. Levi ticked his tongue and rolled to lie on his back, staring at the ceiling.

"Call tomorrow."

"If I didn't know better," Hange said sluggishly, "I'd say you were worried about me."

He scowled and rolled onto his other side, his back to her now.

"No, just sick of waking up at half four every morning to drag you back to bed."

Hange managed a small, wicked snicker, but shuffled across the space between them and pressed an apologetic kiss to the back of his neck.

"Must be dreadful," she said. Her voice sounded raw, hoarse. She buried her nose into his hair and took a long, deep breath. Levi grunted, but reached back and pulled her arm loosely over his hip. He knotted their fingers together loosely.

"Call them, Hange."

Hange gave his fingers a gentle, reassuring squeeze.

"I will."

**

Hange prided herself on being a reasonably intelligent person. She had two degrees, was working towards her doctorate, and already had her name on a small handful of peer-reviewed research papers. She spoke multiple languages, read dissertations for fun, kept a (in Levi’s words) disgustingly realistic human skeleton in a box under the bed for study purposes, and had spent the better part of the last 26 years of her life studying human biology and physiology.  

How she had not predicted that she might be pregnant was almost unfathomable. 

She left the doctors office in a daze with an appointment card and several pamphlets in hand. She had been referred hastily to a midwife and the hospital would soon be sending out a date for an ultrasound—“As soon as possible,” the doctor had said, “since you’re not sure how far along you are.” 

The thing is, Hange had been on the same birth control pill for years now. Forgetful as she may be about many, many things (like eating, and bathing, and washing the dishes and taking out the garbage and and and), Hange was religious in taking that damn pill at the same time every single day. She had never missed it, not even once. Without a regular cycle, Hange had no way of predicting when they had conceived, and the doctor was eager to make sure no essential landmarks in her antenatal care were missed, if they could possibly help it.

The thought had never even crossed her mind. It seemed ridiculous now, in hindsight. The sickness was one thing, but now that she thought about it, there were a whole host of small oddities that Hange could easily attribute to pregnancy. Lethargy, and bloating, heartburn, and she had been peeing more than usual—Hange groaned, and scrubbed her hands over her face. She should have suspected, at least. Should have put the pieces together sooner. 

But, stupid and naive as it may be, she hadn’t thought it possible. Why worry about it, when Hange had taken consistent precautions to avoid it? 

She felt queasy the entire bus ride home. 

It wasn’t that she was against the idea of having children. One day, maybe. When she had finished her doctorate, got herself a steady, well-paid job. When she and Levi had moved out of their tiny, cramped apartment into somewhere bigger, somewhere more suited for a family. 

And god. Levi. 

This was something they’d never really talked about. For his part, Levi never seemed all that interested. He was good with Hange’s nieces and nephews, and Erwin’s son adored him, and he hadn’t showed any express dislike for children, but—well, tolerating other peoples little brats and raising your own are two very different things. 

What if Levi didn’t want the baby? What if he did? Hange wasn’t even sure herself what she wanted to do about the whole situation—what if she didn’t want it? What if, after some reflection, Hange decided now wasn’t a good time? Could they even afford a baby right now? Hange’s money was tied up in her education, while Levi was just making ends meet at the office. They got by well enough with just the two of them, but add in a baby? A whole other person, entirely dependant on them for support? Hange could barely feed and bathe herself, some days, never mind responsibly care for a child. 

By the time the bus pulled up near the house, Hange felt more distressed than ever. Levi, at least, was at work until the evening, so she had a few more hours to herself to mull everything over, but the entire situation made her stomach clench and churn unpleasantly with every new thought. 

The prospect of having a child was terrifying. The prospect of not having this child was nauseating. 

Levi had left the flat in pristine condition when he had left for work, but Hange barely had the energy to feel even a little guilty as she shrugged off her coat and kicked off her shoes, leaving both strewn about the floor. She dumped her bag and made her way sluggishly through to the bedroom. 

Levi had made the bed. The sheet was stretched flat over the mattress, the pillows perfectly fluffed and set against the headboard. Hange’s nightshirt, one of Levi’s old, baggy shirts, too stretched and threadbare for him to wear, had been folded neatly and left on her side of the bed, her slippers lined up smartly with the bed frame. For some reason—hormones, she told herself—her eyes watered, and a lump swelled in her throat. She sniffled pitifully as she stripped off her clothes and pulled on the shirt, clambering into the bed and tugging the sheets until the cocooned around her. 

Hange passed the rest of the day tossing and turning in bed. She tried to nap, but her mind was too restless, occupied with thoughts of the baby, with the concept of having to tell Levi when he came home. She could try to lie, say the doctors had done some blood work, that she was waiting on the results of some test or other, but Levi knew her too well. She could never lie to him, and her despondent state would give her away before she had the chance to say anything. 

The sun was beginning to set by the time she heard Levi’s keys in the door. She felt exhausted, head aching with all the thinking, considering, weighing up her options; with running over every possible outcome she could imagine. Keeping the baby, getting rid of the baby, Levi not wanting the baby, Levi leaving over the baby—every scenario she could imagine was worse than the last. There was only one idea that she had hardly dared entertain, in fear of disappointment if things didn’t work out. 

She heard Levi call out for her, but gave no answer. She listened, curled up in a ball on her side, as he shuffled around, no doubt picking up her coat and shoes from where she had abandoned them. And then he made his way towards the bedroom, steps soft on the plush carpet. The bedroom door creaked open. 

“Hange?” 

She made a small, warbled noise under the bedclothes. Levi came to sit on the bed, the mattress dipping beneath his weight. His hand found the curve of Hange’s hip. 

“How was it?” 

Hange made another noncommittal sound. She wiped her nose and eyes on the sheets, but didn’t dare show her face just yet. She wasn’t ready. She had never prepared for this conversation, never even imagined it before today. It was too soon. Not enough time to rehearse. 

Levi’s hand moved to her back, rubbing lightly up and down her spine, before dropping to the mattress behind her. He leaned over her, and she felt his lips press warm and gentle to the point of her shoulder. A fresh wave of tears poured over the bridge of her nose and down the side of her face. 

She tried to be quiet, but something—the shake of her shoulder, perhaps, or the shudder of air as she tried to take a steadying breath in—gave way to her crying. Levi moved off the bed, but Hange felt his fingers prying lightly at the sheets, pulling them down until he could get a good look at her face. He was kneeling by the bed now, face level with her, and he looked at her with worry pinching deep creases between his brows. 

“Oi, what’d they say?” 

Hange bit the inside of her lip and rubbed her damp cheek on the pillow. If Levi was bothered by her using their bedding as a tissue, he didn’t show it. He simply looked at her, eyes darting over her face, searching. It occurred to Hange then how this must look to him. She had gone to the doctors due to unexplained, violent sickness, and now she is in bed, hours later, still crying about whatever news she had received. 

“I’m fine,” she said. Levi’s tense shoulders relaxed a fraction, but his face remained pinched, frowning and concerned. Hange wanted to tell him quickly, simply, like ripping off a plaster, but the words would not come. She opened her mouth, but her throat constricted painfully. 

Eventually, she said, “my bag. There’s some stuff in my bag. Have a look.” 

Levi gave her a somewhat quizzical look, but stood, dropping a quick kiss to her temple before going to fetch the bag, and dipping his hand in to fish out the contents inside. 

Hange watched with her breath held and her stomach clenched as Levi pulled out the handful of leaflets and turned them over, looking at each one in turn. His eyes widened fractionally as comprehension dawned on him. His lips pressed into a thin line. Leaden weight settled in Hange’s gut. She curled into a tighter ball, pressing the bedsheets over her mouth and nose, waiting for him to gather himself enough to say something. 

After a moment, he spoke. 

“That’s all?” 

Huh? “Huh?!” 

Hange disentangled her arms from the sheets and sat up, staring at him. Levi moved to sit on the edge of the bed again, a scowl back on his face, though there was an intriguing flush high on his cheeks as he whacked her lightly on the top of the head with the leaflets. 

“Stupid four-eyes,” he said, exasperated. “Crying like that. I thought you were dying.”  

“I’m pregnant.” Hange said the word slowly, carefully, in case Levi had somehow misunderstood. He had the audacity to look at her like she was stupid.

“I can see that.” 

“And you have nothing more to say about it? That’s all?” 

Levi shrugged a little at her. Aside from the small patches of colour in his cheeks, Levi seemed wholly unfazed by the revelation. 

“It’s just a baby. We can handle a baby.” 

“That doesn’t terrify you?” 

Levi scrutinised her for a moment, before he said, “are you scared?” 

“Yes? Yes! How are you so calm? We can’t afford a baby—we don’t have the time for a baby? Where will they going to sleep? We don’t have a spare room. Can we get time off work to take care of a baby? How will we pay for childcare when we can’t be around?” 

“Hange,” Levi said, putting a stop to her rambling. He watched her with a pinched stare. “Do you not want it?” 

Hange had spent the majority of the day mulling over this same question. Staring a family was a huge, life-changing commitment, something that required  careful forethought and planning. They had not had that luxury. Hange was pregnant now. She had doubts and fears, more than she could ever express, but the idea of simply having a baby—of having this baby—wasn’t upsetting. In the small, brief moments she had allowed herself to imagine a future where she and Levi were parents, where they weren’t wanting for money or time, where things were well, she felt happy. Giddy. The prospect was almost exciting. 

“It’s not that,” Hange said earnestly. “I do—I’ve been thinking about it all day, and I—I do want it. But I just—we had no time to prepare. We have no savings, we have no space, I’m a mess. How are we supposed to take care of a tiny person? Babies are hard work, Levi.”

“You’re already hard work.” 

Hange laughed weakly, and wiped at her face again. Levi pressed a kiss to her raw cheek. 

“We’ll figure it out,” he said.

Hange leaned into him, sighing quietly. 

“Is this the kind of thing we can just figure out?” 

Levi hummed, shrugging his shoulder. His fingers skimmed up beneath Hange’s shirt, splaying over the small of her back and pulling her closer. 

“Why not? We’ve done a good job bullshitting our way through everything else.”  

Hange laughed lightly and bumped the side of her head against Levi’s.  

“This is different, Levi. This is a person. A tiny little person who is going to need me and you to do everything for them. What if we can’t do it? What if we mess up?” 

“Hange.” Levi pulled back a little and his hands came up to grip either side of her face, forcing her to look at him. “Stop. I know all that. But if you want the brat, and I want the brat, we’ve got no choice but to get on with it.” 

“I know, I know, but—wait, you want the baby?” 

Levi maintained eye contact with her, but it seemed to take a concentrated effort to do so. The flush of his cheeks deepened a little and his lips quirked at the corners. No doubt to compensate for the show of emotion, he pulled his face into his customary frown. 

“It’s fine,” he said. Hange fought the urge to roll her eyes and caught his hands as he lowered them from her face, pulling them into her lap. 

“Are you saying that because it’s already too late, or do you want to keep it?” 

Levi’s face took on a look of constipated strain. He curled his lip as though in distaste, then hooked a hand around the back of Hange’s neck and pulled her face to his abruptly, smacking a kiss to her lips. He let his forehead settle against hers and stroked his thumb over the hinge of her jaw. 

He fought to keep his tone neutral, but Hange could hear the happy tremor in his voice as he said again, “It’s fine.”

For the first time since hearing the news that day, Hange allowed herself to feel excited. To accept the idea that she and Levi were about to start their own bizarre little family. That Levi was still with her felt incredible enough, but to know that he was pleased—it was more than she could ever have hoped for. Hange gave a wet laugh and kissed him again. 

“Are you allergic to looking happy?” Hange asked as they broke apart. Levi clicked his tongue and pulled back to flick her square between the eyebrows. She laughed a little louder and leaned to wipe her runny nose on his shoulder. Levi muttered under his breath, but didn’t push her away.  

“Okay,” Hange said, after a moment. She sat back and pushed her hair back from her face. “Okay. We’re having a baby, then.” 

Levi’s rubbed the smile from his lips with the back of his hand, nodding. “We’re having a baby.” 

Hange sunk down to flop back over the pillows. Levi looked down at her, head tilted, chewing the inside of his lip. Hange reached up to brush his fringe off his forehead, warmth spilling in her chest when he held her hand close and turned to kiss her palm. 

She smiled a little playfully, and freed a leg from the sheets to dig her toes into his ribs. 

“If I’d known you wanted kids I would have been significantly less stressed, you know.” 

Levi quirked a brow at her. 

“I’ve told you that before.” 

“No, you haven’t.” 

“I have. At your sisters wedding.” 

Hange racked her brain, searching for the conversation. She remembered the occasion, and she remembered that she and Levi had somehow ended up babysitting Hange’s family brood. She remembered Levi, wrestling to keep her youngest nephew on his lap while the eldest, still only five or six at the time, was clambering up the back of his chair, sticky hands tugging at Levi’s collar. Hange fought hard to recall more of what was said, but could remember nothing at all of Levi announcing that he had wanted one of his own. 

“You said these brats aren’t so bad,” Hange said slowly. 

Levi nodded at her. Hange waited for him to elaborate, but he didn’t, only looked at her like there was nothing more he needed to say. 

“That’s it? That’s your idea of telling me you want kids?” 

“The hell else could I have meant?” 

Hange dug her toe at him again but Levi caught her foot this time, pushing it firmly down onto the mattress. Hange reached for him with both arms instead, curling them around the back of his neck and tugging him down quickly. He toppled over her with a quiet oof, and Hange rolled them quickly, straddling his waist and dropping her weight down onto him. 

“That is the kind of thing you say clearly, Levi! These brats aren’t so bad—you’re ridiculous!” 

Levi wrestled with her arms a little longer before giving up and bringing his hands instead to rest low on her hips. He watched her with a curious expression on his face, something open and soft, and then his eyes roved down to her abdomen and his thumbs brushed inwards, beneath the hem of her shirt, stroking over her lower belly. 

This time, he didn’t fight his smile. 

He reached up and pulled her down by the neck, and kissed her soundly. Hange melted against him, welcomed the press of his tongue between her lips, shuddered pleasantly when he nipped at her bottom lip. She went with him willingly as he rolled them both over, nudging a knee between her legs and settling his weight against her. 

She was spreading her legs to make space for him, when he paused suddenly, and pulled back, leaning over the bed and scooping through the discarded back of leaflets. Hange, winded and dishevelled, watched him incredulously as he flicked through the contents of one, then tossed it aside and opened another. 

“What are you doing?” 

Without looking up, Levi replied, “Checking.” 

“Checking what?” 

“I wanna know if we can still—” he waved a hand between them, and went back to searching. 

“We’ve been—” Hange mimicked his gesture, “—up until now anyway.” 

Levi looked up at her, looking mildly horrified. He held up one his open leaflet and said, “You’ve been drinking alcohol, too. You’re not supposed to do that. And look, here—you’re not supposed to overwork. You’ll have to take on less hours at the university. And you’ll eat. Proper damn meals. Every day.” 

Hange flopped back against the pillows, eyes rolling, watching as Levi picked up each new leaflet in turn, pointing out every little adjustment that Hange would have to make. 

“This one says you should get eight to ten hours sleep per night. Every night. And not so much coffee, the caffeine’s bad for the baby.” 

The baby. It sounded surreal. It sounded ridiculous. Levi shifted to sit against the headboard beside her after opening the chunky little What to Expect While Expecting volume Hange had been handed while leaving the doctors. He seemed thoroughly engrossed, and seemingly unaware when one of his hands reached out to pull Hange’s hair free of its ponytail and sink into her hair. She hummed happily as his nails scraped over her scalp. 

Things were still scary, and Hange was still uncertain about how this whole adventure might turn out. But Levi was still with her, and Levi was happy, and that—

—Well, that was good enough. 

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

Hakuoki Shinkai: Ginsei no Shou - Saito Chapter Four

Well, this is probably my 2nd favourite chapter from Ginsei no Shou... Final edits will be done later as always. Need to go over the punctuation and some of the sentences which were compounded in the translation I used so I also need to review that... though it’s probably going to take a while before i get to the subtitled video for this since my finals are literally next week, with the last one being on friday and im only about 3/5 done with the timing for the first chapter. 

Chapter 4 occurs in Edo.

enjoy!

Hakuoki Shinkai: Ginsei no Shou - Saito Chapter Four

Translation by KumoriYami

Twelfth month, third year of Keiou. 

The Shinsengumi was very busy following the aftermath of the Battle of Toba Fushimi and other political affairs, and was very busy......

However, in comparison, the current political situation has undergone even greater changes. [check jp mtl. reword later].

The Edo Shogunate which had been provoked by Western vassals, had been unable to completely suppress them, finally accepted the Imperial Restoration Order [check jp mtl]. 

In name, the shogunate was abolished and a new government was established [reword later].

However, the Shogunate, which had held power for so long, naturally refused to give it up [check jp mtl]. 

At the end of the third year of Keiou, many soldiers had been stationed in Kyoto and Osaka in order to prevent the Sat-cho's forces/armies/troops from entering the capital. 

The Shinsengumi which had been stationed at Toba-Fushimi, also confronted the Sat-cho's forces.

Then, on the third day of the first month, before the atmosphere of the New Year had yet to dissipate——

A single gunshot started the Battle of Toba-Fushimi. 

Until now, the Shinsengumi which wielded blades, could have been regarded as invincible. 

However against the Sat-cho which with the latest weapons and equipment, they had been unable to make up the gap in performance granted by guns [reword later.]. 

The warriors fell down one after another before they even stepped into the attack range of a sword, and their dead bodies piled up like a mountain. 

Watching how he was no longer able to rely on his battle-honed swordsmanship, could only watch as Kyoto, which he had guarding with all his heart, turned into a sea of flames, I had no idea about what Saito-san had been thinking [reword later].

I had always viewed the Shinsengumi as samurai, and so, their defeat felt like it signified the end to the age of samurai...... 

I wasn’t able to put this into words, and was only able to watch in silence. 

After, in order to avoid pursuers, we decided to retreat to Osaka Castle. 

In addition to Amagiri-san, who had been repeatedly fought against.

 because I was the target of that male oni——Kazama-san, we ended up being obstructed once again.

The fighting with the Sat-cho forces had ended up [with them] being completely suppressed by the latest firearms [check jp mtl]. 

Yet even the katana that he had always believed in was unable to resist the strength Kazama-san wielded as an oni......

Even so, Saito-san was like a well-tempered steel blade, completely unyielding——

In order to fulfill his orders to protect me, he drank the Ochimizu, became a rasetsu, and was finally able to drive back Kazama-san. 

Afterwards. 

We arrived at Osaka Castle, and met up with the rest of the Shinsengumi. 

We followed Yoshinobu who retreated to Edo [check jp. pretty sure this is Yoshinobu being mentioned here], and vowed to make a comeback from Edo. 

The reason why I was living with the Shinsengumi was originally to find my missing father.

Now, since there wasn't much meaning in doing so, I didn't seem to have a reason to follow them anymore......  

After pulling myself together, I took [my] sword [check jp for kodachi] from Saito-san, and decided to follow the Shinsengumi. 

This must have been because of being in contact with them all the time , the Shinsengumi had become my home. 

First month and a half, Fourth year of Keiou [uh... reword later.].

We finally returned to Edo, and borrowed a hanamoto's residence/mansion [check game for the term they use] to use as our headquarters to regain our strength.  

But, it wasn't easy to restructure/reorganize a severely damaged organization. 

Kondou-san and Hijikata-san, in order to negotiate with the Shogunate, were attending meetings all day. 

Inoue-san and Yamazaki-san had sacrificed their lives, and Okita-san was still recuperating......

The greatest burdens naturally fell onto Saito-san. 

After turning into a rasetsu, he would feel unwell from simply being awake during the day, but he still never complained and devoted himself to working all day and night/tirelessly working. 

Second month of the Fourth year of Keiou

One day during the second month of the Fourth year of Keiou, when I saw deeply distressed over how Saito-san was working and reluctant to even sleep, the following story occurred. 

Second month of the Fourth Year of Keiou

During the first month of the year, the former/old shogunate army, which had been defeated at/in the/during the Battle of Toba-Fushimi, retreated to Edo, was waiting for the opportunity to make a comeback.

The Shinsengumi, who had also returned to Edo, first stayed at a hotel in Shinagawa, then borrowed a hanamoto's residence in Edo to use as their headquarters. 

In order to revitalize/restructure the situation [reword later. think that reads oddly], every day was very busy.

About a month after returning to Edo...... 

Yukimura: Um, I remember that this box should have......

I was in the middle of hastily organizing all sorts of things that had been bought for the/at the new headquarters/I was at the new headquarters and arranging all sorts of things that had been purchased [check jp mtl]. 

However, I couldn't waste too much time on this.

Because I still had to go shopping, and there were many other things that had to be done——

Yukimura: Ah……!

Because of how flustered I was, I accidently knocked down a pile of luggage. 

Yukimura: Ah……

Those things need to be put back/returned to their original positions as soon as possible. 

Thinking this, I quickly/hurriedly picked up the luggage. Just then/At this moment, someone opened the door, and a cool/clear/cool and clear [check jp mtl] voice came [echoed]. 

Saito:……Yukimura.

Yukimura: Ah, Saito-san. I thought you went out, but it turns out you were here [reword later].

Saito: I just returned....... putting that aside, I heard a loud noise just now.

Yukimura: Ah...... I'm sorry, I wasn't careful and knocked some of the luggage down [reword later?]. I'll clean it up right away, so don't worry about it.

Saito: It'll be difficult for you to do this by yourself, so I'll help you. 

Shortly after he spoke, he picked up the luggage and returned it to their original positions [reword later].

Yukimura: But, Saito-san, shouldn't you be very busy……？

Saito: I'm not so busy to the point that I don't have time to put these back.

Yukimura:……Thank you, Saito-san.

Shortly after, we finished packing the luggage [thesaurus later].

Saito: Anyway, Yukimura.

Yukimura: Nn, what's wrong/what is it?

Saito: Are you the only one sorting out the luggage here?

Yukimura: Yes. It's because the other warriors have their own work to do. In the past, Inoue-san would help me clean up, but——

After saying that, I quickly stopped myself.

Yukimura:…………I'm sorry.

Saito: No, you don't need to apologise.

Yukimura:…………

Inoue-san and Yamazaki-san, they died during the Battle of Toba Fushimi.

During such normal daily circumstances, to suddenly think of……

It was depressing/I couldn't help but feel depressed [check video].

However Saito-san and the other warriors would never publicly express their grief.

That's why...... I try to not to mention Inoue-san to them as much as possible.

Saito: Anyway, Yukimura. I would like to take you somewhere later....... Do you have anything you need to do?

Yukimura: I was planning to go buy food for dinner after....... I was just thinking about which of the warriors I could go with.

Saito: In that case, I'll go with you. Afterwards, I hope that you can accompany me. 

Yukimura: Alright, that's fine, but where are we going?

Saito: Matsumoto-sensei. So I can see the circumstances of the wounded.

Yukimura: Ah, so it was like that....... But, is that okay for you? It's still early. 

Having become a rasetsu, Saito-san would feel unwell in the sunlight [check jp mtl 'during the day'?]

But, he still......

Saito: That doesn't matter. Please get ready as soon as possible.

Although I  was very worried about him, but...... [check game]

Yukimura:.......I know.

I'm afraid that telling him to rest now, would instead be more painful. 

I silently convinced myself, and decided to go with him.

Afterwards, we visited Matsumoto-sensei, confirming the/Matsumoto-sensei to confirm the circumstances of the wounded......

Yukimura: The majority of people seem to have recovered from their injuries, which is good [check jp mtl].

Saito:......Yes, it can be said that this is good luck/blessing despite misfortune. In order to prepare for the next battle with the Sat-cho, it is necessary for as many soldiers to recover from their injuries as soon to regain [their?] combat effectiveness. 

Yukimura:......Nn.

Saito: Unfortunately, Souji......

Yukimura:......!

Hearing Okita-san’s name, I froze.

Just now, according to Matsumoto-sensei, Okita-san's seems to have seriously/significantly deteriorated——

In the future/From now on, I'm afraid that/perhaps he will never be able to hold a sword [ever] again. 

Saito: The Chief and Vice-Commander hope that they will be able to fight against the Sat-cho again soon, but I do not know if they will be able to fight alongside Souji the day that hope becomes a reality...... [check jp mtl. difficulty with translating]

Yukimura:…………

Even Saito-san, who rarely expresses himself, couldn't help but feel extremely regretful when he thought of never being able to fight alongside Okita-san again. 

Shortly after, he shook his head. 

Saito:......Sorry, I’ve upset you by saying that. [check jp mtl. Tl is more literally: Sorry, for saying that, hearing that upset you]

Yukimura: No, how could that be…...

Saito: [We’re going] back to headquarters [check jp mtl], there is still work that needs to be done.

Just as Saito-san finished speaking, and was about to move [tl is “to take a step”. Check jp mtl]. 

Saito: Guh……!

Suddenly, he winced and groaned in pain.

Yukimura: Saito-san!?

I rushed forward to support him.

Saito:......No, you don’t need to worry, I was just feeling dizzy [check game for punctuation].

Yukimura: But......!

After Saito-san turned into a rasetsu, even/just walking in the sunlight would cause pain beyond imagination/would be accompanied by unimaginable pain. 

Yukimura: After we return to headquarters, why don't you go rest for a bit? You've recently been busy with work, and don't seem to have enough rest [reword later.]. 

Saito: There is no time to rest now. 

Yukimura: But, if you continue like this……!

Saito: I said that you don’t need to worry. Now, we’re going back to headquarters.

Yukimura:......

From the bottom of my heart, I could not accept Saito-san's words. 

But, I also knew that the work he was doing, was something only he could do. 

For that reason, I didn't say anything, and returned with him to headquarters. 

Following that, it seems that Saito-san seemed to be reluctant to spend any of his time on sleeping/reluctant to even sleep, and buried himself in his work. 

It wasn't like visiting the injured soldiers yesterday, or dealing with various trivial matters, such as allocating the necessary supplies for headquarters, would do anything to raise the funds that were needed to pay for the expenses during this period of time, or anything/and so on [check jp mtl. had difficulties with this sentence].. 

Additionally, preparing money/funds for new clothes and bedding, the purchase of weapons, preparing medicine, arranging for food ingredients [reword later. check jp mtl. "money for clothes." word i have can be translated to a money-related word or "change" as in 'change of clothes']...... There were a lot of things that needed to be dealt with.

Of course, I also wanted to help as much as possible. 

Despite that though, I am unable to completely do everything. 

If only he would take a day off for his health......

Yukimura:……?

At this moment, I heard some noise from in front of the entrance. 

Those voices, it couldn't be......

I hastily ran over to the entrance. 

Opening the doors, standing in front of me were——

Yukimura: Nagakura-san, Harada-san, are you heading out?

Shinpachi:: Nn? Ah, yeah. I was planning on asking/inviting some of the soldiers to something good to eat/to eat something nice, to(/and) cheer them up [reword later]. 

Yukimura: That's it/That's...... 

If only doing something like that could encourage/cheer Saito-san up. [check jp mtl. Don’t think “cheer” is appropriate for Saito though that’s an accurate translation. thesaurus later?] .  

Seeing how I was unusually lowering my head, Harada-san looked at my face. 

Harada: What’s wrong? Did something happen?

Yukimura: Actually......

I told them about what I thought when I went out with Saito-san yesterday. [reword later?]

Harada: A way to cheer up Saito…... 

Shinpachi: What can we do about that [though?]? Even if you told him to rest, there's no way he would just obediently do that. 

Harada: Yeah. There'd be no choice but to use force to get him to sleep, right? [check jp mtl]

Yukimura: Fo-Force/By, by force? 

Shinpachi: Hey hey, you're talking nonsense, Sano. How can a girl compel Saito with brute force? [check jp mtl]

Harada: We also should be helping [check jp mtl], but,  it's not good to leave the other warriors to themselves...... 

Yukimura: The other warriors, are they too busy that they don't have time to rest......?

Shinpachi: Well...... we were ultimately defeated in battle. There are a lot of guys who are constantly accumulating resentment [reword later]. 

Harada: After all, they're all vigorous youngsters/young people, if they aren't allowed to drink and vent their frustrations, I really don't know what they might do. 

Yukimura: That’s…...

Harada: Once we come back, we'll take on/share a portion of Saito-san's work. We can't always leave the entire burden on him/all the responsibilities to him...... right?

Yukimura:......Nn, both of you, thank you.

The two men walked shoulder to shoulder. 

Watching their backs, I suddenly got an idea. 

Yukimura: Letting them drink sake to vent/express their frustrations......

I didn't know if such a thing would work with /if such a method would be effective for Saito-san. 

However, compared to doing nothing....... perhaps it was worth trying. 

Thus, later that night. 

Yukimura: Saito-san, are you/did you fall asleep?

I asked the question from behind the sliding door. [reword later?] 

Saito: Come in, Yukimura.

Yukimura: Yes, excuse/pardon me.

Saito-san still looked too busy to pay attention to me/still looked too busy to me...... [check jp mtl]

Without looking away from the/his desk, he remained focused on writing a letter. 

Saito: It's very late, is something wrong? [reword later]

Yukimura: Saito-san, are you busy right now?

Saito: There are still matters that must be completed [reword later]. Western-style training and weapons must be arranged for as quickly as possible. 

Yukimura: Then when that is finished, will your work for today be done?

Saito:......?  

Saito: No, after that's done, even though that is finished, there's still work that needs to be done and it is best to start sooner——

Turning his head, when he saw me, his expression instantly hardened/froze. 

Saito: Yukimura, what is that?

Seeing how speechless he looked, I replied with a smile. 

Yukimura: It's sake——I'll wait for you to finish that letter, there will be drinks tonight [check jp mtl. had difficulties with this sentence]! I'll be accompanying you too!

Saito:……What……?

When Saito-san's work finally came to an end......

I hurriedly explained my intentions, and poured the sake into a cup. 

Saito:.......What is this/this for. What on earth are you thinking?

Yukimura: The letter's done. You can finish the rest of your work tomorrow....... 

Saito: Even if it's not urgent/an emergency, it's better to finish this early. 

Yukimura: But, can't you have a drink? It's important to rest properly. 

I pushed the cup of sake in towards him/in front/before him.

He hesitated doubtfully for a moment, [but?] he still took the cup. 

Saito:…………

But he still didn't drink. 

It was difficult for someone to drink by themself, I thought, so I poured myself a cup, and drank it without the slightest hesitation. 

Yukimura: Ah...... It's, it's good sake! Saito-san, please [check jp mtl. word i have is "please" but it can also mean 'to ask/invite' or 'request'. maybe change to 'please have some'?]! 

Saito-san’s brows furrowed tightly, as if he was thinking for a moment......

Saito:......In the end, what is your purpose? [reword later? i don't like how that reads]

Yukimura: Actually, I——

How should I answer that?

Choices:

[It's to get you drunk] <-

[I just wanted to drink with you]

Yukimura: Because…… it’s to get you drunk.

Presumably it was because my answer was too startling, that Saito-san fell silent/was speechless [probably change to the latter].

Saito: To get me…… drunk? Are you able to drink a lot [tl is more “hold your liquor/have good capacity for drinking. reword later]?

Yukimura: Th-That's......

How was I supposed to say that I almost never drank, but was I being too bold to try and get Saito-san to be drunk? [reword later]

But......

Yukimura: If I don’t do this/If this isn’t done, you’re never going to rest. If you continue like this, you’ll definitely collapse one day. Please, just for tonight, please listen to my request and drink this sake/drink this [check game]!

Saito: Wa-Wait. You're not making any sense. Considering that....... you're not actually drunk, are you?

Yukimura: I'm not drunk! I only had one cup. Rather than me, you should be drinking this, Saito-san! This sake was specially prepared for you!

Saito:......Apparently, you won't let me go if I don't drink [reword later?].

He finally raised the cup of sake to his mouth.

Yukimura: Saito-san, did you drink it......?

Tonight's goal was to get him to rest properly.

If I was the only one that got drunk, then it was meaningless. 

While I only had one drink, I wasn't sure if he actually drank anything......

Yukimura: Saito-san...... what do you think of this? [how is it]

Saito:  Ah, aah......

Although I felt dizzy, I felt comfortable, like I was soaking in a warm bath. 

Yukimura:.......By the way, Saito-san, you always, always...... act recklessly. Do you know how upset I get watching you...... No, you don't know.......

Saito: Even if you say that you are suffering/upset, as a member of the Shinsengumi, I must follow the Vice-Commander's orders....... 

Yukimura: Then, when you were fighting against Kazama [check for -san], your entire body was covered in blood...... At that time, I really thought that you were going to die....... 

Saito: I, I see....... Sorry.

Yukimura: Since coming to Edo, you've obviously been unwell, but you've been working so hard...... That's why I hoped you would be able to rest, and at least have a drink.

Saito: I understand.

Yukimura:....... Re-Really?

Saito:......Yes, I ended up drinking. But, you drinking in order to get me to drink feels odd....... For forcing yourself to drink to get me to drink, I apologize. [check game]

Yukimura: No......! I don't need you to apologize to me....... I just....... wish that you would cherish your body a bit more......

After that, Saito-san began drinking, and while I didn't know how much time passed...... 

I was hit by an intense feeling of drowsiness, and I couldn't even sit properly——

I fell onto the tatami like that. 

I felt so weak and couldn't get up. [reword later]

If I relax a bit more, I'll probably fall asleep like this. 

It was only out of a sense of duty that I wanted Saito-san to rest, and I then opened my mouth to ask a question.

Yukimura: Saito-san...... how are you......? Are you asleep......?

Saito:…………

I heard quiet breathing from the person sleeping beside me. 

Yukimura:......That's great......

Although this method was a bit rough [thesaurus?], Saito-san finally slept.

I felt relieved from accomplishing this and I couldn't help but say what was on my mind. [check game]

Yukimura: I.......

Yukiura: I've always been worried about you....... You drank the Ochimizu, and now have a body that loathes the sunlight, and it's my fault...... that you've become a rasetsu.

Saito:…………

Yukimura: But....... if you didn't drink the Ochimizu and become a rasetsu then....... I would no longer be here...... and I would never see you again....... 

Saito:…………

Yukimura: So even though it's painful...... even though I feel sorry...... and even though I feel sad...... I still want..... to thank you....... for protecting....... me.

…………

…………

Saito:……………………Are you asleep, Yukimura?

 Yukimua:…………

Saito:……Really……to think that you'd talk to yourself if the other person was asleep....... I don't regret drinking the Ochimizu in the slightest. I only made the right choice for my own honour, and to protect you.

Yukimua:…………

Saito:.......But you're worried about this and my body. However when I think about the Shinsengumi's situation, I cannot rest...... Nevertheless/Even so....... I'm very happy for you to have broken into my heart like this. Thank you, Yukimura.

Yukimua:…………

…………

……That night, I dreamt that Saito-san was saying something into my ear [reword later].

His voice, which sounded more gentle than usual, seemed to whisper [reword later].

It sounded so comfortable, so full of affection/care......

I slept like this until the next morning [reword later].

- The End -

*happy sigh*

Well, in kyoka-roku, during one of saito’s char perspectives, he does say that he might have been attracted to Chizuru since they talked in that alley… 

[bumbleklee]

Hey, I just want to say... I've been there before, and it's okay to take a break and step back every once in a while. I really, really understand taking the whole "content producing" thing too seriously, being someone who has worked themselves into a writer's block over that several times already...

So I want you to know, it's fine to just take your mind off things. Do something different. Write small things that YOU wanna write. Close your requests for a while. Take a hiatus. Whatever it is, try to see what your mind needs to recover right now and then do that. If it helps you, maybe just do a list of stuff you wanna do and find a bit of organization for WHEN you'll do it (tho not in a super strict "this HAS to get done now" way). You could try a writing journal if that's something you enjoy (in general, journaling can be good to clear your mind a little and make yourself feel better). Maybe find some people to do writing sprints with (that always helps me a lot with actually getting stuff done, even if I just do them by myself) Just don't let writing become an obligation, make it a fun thing. Once you stop taking it all that serious, the enjoyment is likely gonna return as well.

And for whatever else is making you feel unwell... I hope you get through it and feel better again soon. Also, if you're comfortable with that, have a hug here: (っ.❛ ᴗ ❛.)っ💛

this was so very sweet anon - thank you for sending it to me. i think a big issue is that i hosted a couple events with the full intentions of completing them all and then when it came to actually sit down and write, i have nothing. and it makes me feel so horrible because i said i would do something, these people are waiting for me to write them their specific fic, and i just can’t. i don’t know if i’m in a writers block or just a regular slump or whatever but it sucks. i have a lot of ideas and when it comes to actually putting them down, i draw a blank.

i love writing about my family series but i know not everyone is comfortable with the idea of babies and families and so i don’t want to just write about that - but it’s the other things that i’m struggling with the most. also requests were really nice when i was first starting my blog but now that i have a decent following and a popular series, they just don’t help as much anymore :(

but im definitely going to try and take your suggestions into consideration. i might write stories and just not post them. also what are writing sprints?

[unofficialadamtaurus]

SORRY BUT review pt 2 because i CANT drop this chapter and I NEED to scream about the parts I can’t stop thinking about. hollow people is currently living in my head rent free homie and i freak the fuck out every time if i even THINK ABOUT THINKING about this chapter

god gOD GOD the way you sell adams spiral is just so painful. he doesn’t want to feel this way, so helpless and afraid and hurt as his worldview continually shatters right in front of him. it’s just siwnwoahnsndowjbskxu

also Blake’s hands hanging by thread made me SEVERELY uncomfortable. (in a good way!!) like. FUCKING OW.

> "I did love you, Adam."

>He paused. Glanced at her. "Your love was a lie."

LIKE he really truly believes that in that moment and it’s just DUMBASS PLEASE STOP.

> Was he just afraid?

> But he was so angry.

> Killing Blake was supposed to set things right. It was supposed to erase the cracks spiraling through his foundations. It was supposed to fix him. How could this be wrong? How could it—no. Why was it just making things worse?

duuUUUUDDDE my heart HURTS reading his anger and confusion. fuck I can FEEL it. that burning sensation and spiraling mind and frustration and its just. no words. no fucking words

> Good gods, he was unwell.

BITCH i be saying that this WHOLE DAMN TIME. YES YOU ARE VERY UNWELL.

> Something that, for years, everyone had left to fight its fear alone.

AGHHGGAHHHHHHH GOD that just STINGS

> She drew in a breath—

> And the ceiling caved in.

JESUS FUCK you are NOT forgiven for that. FUCKING HELL IT WAS SOWNSNALZWONAIS DJW

> "No, Yang," she strangled the urge to cough again, "you need to stop. I was getting through to him."

> "Blake. He was going to kill you."

LMAOOO honestly take a shot every time yang tells her stubborn as fuck gf to stop heading into situations that’ll kill her. or at least stop being blind to the goddamn high ass probability????? legit you’ll get alcohol poisoning.

and that little ruby vs Adam bit??? i LOVE how you write rubys combat. it’s so fluid

> Adam took most on Wilt and pushed against the last with a fierce grin and his hair aglow. She froze, terror she couldn't control locking her muscles and preventing her from dodging.

FUCKING CALL BACK FUCK YEAH

> Blood dripped from the new wound on his forehead.

serious moment but bloody Adam?? thank you 😋

and blake apologizing to him and he just can’t believe it DAMN IT that hurts. AHGH GOD those two.

Also homie DO NOT thank me for screaming at you about your fic because IT IS A PRIVILEGE TO READ. seriously this is absolutely amazing thank you.

(im too much of a dumbass to pick up the heavy foreshadowing you’re blatantly putting down IM SORRRYYYYYY)

cannot believe you just and hit me with a part two lmao and I will thank you as much as I damn well please. I get so few reviews that I cherish the ones you send in 😊

I'm so glad that your reaction to everything Adam did in this chapter was along the lines of, "You absolute idiot, please stop." Like we can all see that he's about as lost as a person can be but all he can see is the purpose he's so desperately clinging to. It takes Blake putting her whole life on the line solely to refuse him - not to win the fight, but to say he's wrong - for him to realize it.

And yeah, Blake's injuries are a bit graphic if you bother to imagine them. But if Weiss can be de-impaled, then Blake will probably be fine. Probably.

[pjoseries]

AND THEY WERE ROOMMATES: CHAPTER 10 (PT. II)

i am barely a third of the way thru and im Screaming

OH MY GOD HE’S A FUCKING POWERHOUSE 🗣 KING SHIT !!!!! GOT THAT ANNABETH KISS FUELING HIM EVEN FURTHER 🗣 cannae believe u made me excited about a SPORT emma 😭 ok but fr tho .... “they lay down their loyalties for the boy in blue” is SUCH an iconic line and smth so percy 🥺 this is so precious to me im ROTTING!! like percy looking at annabeth... “star-eyed with victory”... SO SEXY OF U TO WRITE THIS MISS EMMA !!!!

ANNABETH AND SALLY IN THE MIDDLE!!!! PERCY’S FAVORITE WOMEN!!! AND ANNABETH SURROUNDED BY ALL OF THOSE SHE LOVES??? ITS WHAT SHE FUCKING DESERVES THANK U MISS EMMA !!! IM LITERALLY FUCKING CHEWING GLASS. HE SAID LOVE YOU TOO 😩😩😩😩😩 HE- HE !!!!! LOVES !!! HER

HOW MANY NEW COLORS SHE WILL SEE THROUGH THE LENDS OF LOVING HIM NOW WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO W THIS LINE. HOW DO I COPE. I AM LITERALLY JUST STANDING HERE 🧍🏻‍♀️

😠 i am about to throttle sloan with my bare hands i swear to GOD- PERCY DIDN’T EVEN... 😐 hate that i’m so invested in a fictional character’s team sport that i want to 🔪⚰️ sloan

OK 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 that line is so romantic..... percy 😩 wtf (i mean more like emma what the literal fuck tho im am Unwell .... eyes are so open right now)

TWO ALIENS PHONING HOME... GRAVITY PULLING THEM TO THEIR PHONES.... THIS PARAGRAPH IS SO SEXY EMMA I LOVE IT!!! ALSOOOOOOIOOO ILL BE YOUR BOY IN BLUE 🥺 YOUR BOY !!!!! IM THE SCREAMINGCAT RN DO NOT PERCIEVE ME AS I MELT INTO THE VOID!!!!

emma 👁👄👁 this description is so immaculate.... how do u just Do this ..... i am looking So Intently

FUCK!!! SHE’S RIGHT THERE WITH HIM IM IN PAIN SHE IS SO SUPPORTIVE!!!!!

HER !! BOY !! IN FUCKING BLUE !!!! THERE ARE NO AMOUNT OF WORDS THAT CAN DESCRIBE THE FUCKING EMOTIONS IM FEELING IM ABSOLUTELY SOBBING 😭 WHEN THE COLLEGE AU HITS SO DEEP U PHYSICALLY TEAR UP !!! CHEWING GLASS RN !!! PERCY HAS ALWAYS BEEN HER FINISH LINE. GOD. FUCKING END ME. HE JUST. THEY. SHE!! SHE IS THE BEST THING THATS EVER HAPPENED TO HIM I NEED TO TAKE A MINUTE . SEVERAL MINUTES . NEED TO CALM DOWN 😩

GODDAMMIT IM SOBBING. HE’S THE SUN!!! ☀️😭🥺 HER GOLDEN BOY !!! THIS IS SUCH A FUCKING ALYSSA / LIZ DIRECTED MISSILE I AM BESIDE MYSELF. SHE GETS TO HOLD 🥺 SUNLIGHT IN THE PALMS OF HIS HANDS. I AM SO UNWELL I FEEL LIKE THE WORLD TURNED ON ITS AXIS ITS FINE