#im giving myself stomach ulcers

[heythereimb]

The Month I was Never Meant to See

Hey there I'm B. I have sarcoma. If you're reading this, it's December.

I know to most people that doesn't mean a whole lot beyond the holidays. This month for me is surreal in many ways.

Earlier this year, I learned that the cancer I had was misdiagnosed. I was given a new terminal diagnosis of stage 4 sarcoma. If I decided to stop treatment and go into hospice care, I wasn’t expected to see Christmas of the same year.

I chose to continue to persue treatment to, at the very least, hopefully prolong my life.

Staring down the barrel of this month is horrifying. Every day of it is one I wasn’t supposed to see. Then again every day of it feels like it could be the last. It's this sickening mix of pride and panic.

This is a time I didn’t expect to see. Even with treatment. Every day I wake up is a relief but also fills me with fear. Yes I woke up today but what about tomorrow?

With the way things are looking for me, this fear can be considered almost irrational. Yes I'm sick, yes I'm weak, but I'm also going through treatment. Treatment that has me on a trajectory for recovery.

So why am I still experiencing this fear?

The simple answer is trauma. I was given a time limit for how long I'll live. Once you've been told that, you can't unhear it. It’s impossible to forget the time you shouldn't be here to see. This time where you weren't expected to be alive. It's a sureal and hard to explain experience. I feel like I'm in the back of a store or wandered into a construction zone. It's a feeling of wrongness, of "I'm not supposed to be here". I'm out of place in my own life.

So here I am. In the month I was never meant to see. Crawling my way through it in disbelief. I won't be able to relax until I've made it out the other side.

Until next time

Cross-post from Reddit

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

The Fourteen Hidden or "Bug" Audios In Order, With Reasoning

(i think! I'm fairly confident in this! I'm willing to Debate!)

12-14 / Howdy & Barnaby

[we know that Barnaby and Wally go to Howdy's every morning]

8-14 / Eddie & Frank

[the post office is right across from Howdy's]

6-14 / Julie & Frank

[Wally isn't scared of bugs, so he could be recruited to help with Frank's gardening problem]

1-14 / Howdy & Poppy

[Howdy mentions that he has a shipment waiting for his signature]

3-14 / Howdy & Sally

[it's possible that Wally went to Howdy's to get something for the beetles]

13-14 / Howdy & Eddie

[it looks like Wally just bought a box of apples, or something similar. Howdy signs for the shipment]

4-14 / Barnaby & Frank

[behind the pins, it looks like there's an apple or two on the ground. the shape and color is wrong for it to be tomatoes. an offering for the beetles?]

9-14 / Frank & Poppy

[the table is clear of yarn, and Frank references the damage done to his garden]

2-14 / Sally & Poppy

[there are cookies - Poppy mentioned to Frank that she might have a non-seed recipe for his butterflies]

10-14 / Julie & Sally

[Wally could have gone with Sally to help with the script reading]

5-14 / Barnaby & Eddie

[Eddie mentions that it's late in the day, and he already delivered the bowling balls]

7-14 / Eddie & Julie

[Barnaby calls, asking after Wally]

11-14 / Julie & Barnaby

[the lighting through the trees looks like afternoon/evening]

14-14 / Barnaby & Home

[the end deterioration is very final, and Barnaby references things that happened throughout his other audios]

[six-of-ravens]

tragic: girl discovers super spicy quesadillas are the cause of her recurring stomach pain

[confetti-critter]

I was upset at work when my coworker killed that wasp even though I was running over to her with a cup+ saying DONT KILL IT, and taking a shower I got upset all over again hhhhrgghhhhhhhggursugsgfggghhh <- me being upset

[kyluxtrashpit]

Honestly I’m so frustrated with this stomach ulcer situation, because last weekend I had Plans, I was specifically going to Fight The Depression and Do Tasks and also Treat Myself to try and get out of the mental slump I’ve been in for a bit

And then none of that happened cause I was sick all weekend and my apartment is a mess (one of the Tasks) and I’m suddenly having to deal with an extremely limited diet (no food that can be considered a Treat is on the good list and neither are a lot of my staples, so I’m just getting down what I can) and while it is improving it’s still decidedly Not Great so really I’m just. Decomposing on the ground because I don’t feel good and I’m really not up to doing much but the thing is I was kinda already doing that before and I was actively trying to fix that but now it’s like. Every spoon I mustered to try to feel better is now devoted to dealing with being sick and a stomach ulcer takes like a fucking month (or more!!!!!) to heal. I’m deeply hoping the symptoms largely fade before that, so I can enjoy some of being alive, but god, like if I have to feel like this for an entire month (OR MORE!!!!!) like fuck what the hell, ibuprofen should not be legal if this is what it does to you

There’s absolutely nothing I can do about this aside from what I’m already doing (ultrasound is in a week so like. I hope that will give me a better idea of recovery time) but im just so tired of feeling Bad. I was feeling bad mentally for a while and I wanted to fix that! I was trying! But now all that’s been waylaid by feeling bad physically so I just have both Bads at the same time and what am I even supposed to do here

[razzleberryjam]

I am writhing in pain on the floor I don't even know who I am anymore I died a week ago and I'm so sick and tired I can't even think about how it's been a month and not a week I'm so weak and confused I don't get it

Someone save me I'm reaching out is there a God or do I have to write a letter to Joe biden I'm sick I'm throwing up I'm fucking crying

My doctor says I can work with an ulcer it shouldn't be that painful but it fucking hurts

I'm supposed to be a preschool teacher how the fuck do you think I can even think let alone fucking teach 10 3 year olds in a tiny white room thats so fuckin bright and loud I'm the leader of the crowd

But im collapsed onto the floor clenching my stomach I'm in pain gritting my teeth I must refrain I can not show my pain to these Itty bitty babies

How the fuck do you expect me to do that dr cassis u dick you're a piece of shit and I hate capitalism and my boss's evangelicalism -- cause to her I'm the devil and not Job,,, cause nothings more virtuous than DYING ON THE JOB

God fucking dammit I don't even hate my life

I dont want to fucking die

I just hate that it costs too much fucking money to live, fuck capitalism

And my boss evangelicalism

I'd almost call it cannibalism when I EAT THE RICH

But THEYRE A BUNCH OF FUCKING PIGS I DONT GIVE A DAMN if they implode in the ocean cause every fucking winter homeless people freeze to death in NEW YORK

My ulcer hurts so fucking bad and I can't take nsaids cause that'll make it just hurt worse

It hurt so bad, and they just want me to go to work, but I took nsaids to keep myself upright and it got worse

AND NOW IT FUCKING HURTS IT FUCKING HURTS AND THEY DONT CARE

They don't fucking care

I hate capitalism and my bosses evangelicalism I'm having a fucking cataclysm give me a billionaire sushi boat it's not halal but it's not canabalism, I wouldn't call eating the rich canabilsm

Cause they're not fucking people

Neither are the judges on the Supreme court

If I saw one of them walking around on the street I'd rip their throat out with my

Teeeeeeeeth

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Beuh I just put two and two together.

I hate benadryl. I do

And for that.. I will be pouring water into the rest of the pills I have on me annd wiping my hands of that whole disaster. Jesus it's getting on my nerves. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it.

It's gross. The taste is nasty, the side effects fucking suck, and I withdraw HORRIBLY. My eyes get red and puffy, nose gets red, I'm just constantly hot, I risk throwing up just by having an empty stomach, I get so moody, I stress so hard about it I now dissociate when I take em, my memory is worse, its harder to form a sentence

I cant take it anymore. I'd rather look like a horrible, shitty person that does literally nothing and absolutely HATE myself for it too than ever go back. Im done

It was a long and hard journey and I find it a bit ironic that it took me smoking weed to stop afterall

Ever since my attempt I just.. cant. I'm so grateful that I finally found some strong shit to replace that feeling. I'm wondering if im starting a problem with constantly needing to smoke tbh. But seriously... not having to worry about my fucking liver health and ulcers has been a forgotten blessing

I still hate the people of the r/dph subreddit. I swear it is the most useless place in the world. Not only do you rarely get anything but people talking about the hallucinative aspect of the shit but you ALSOO get shamed and sneered at when you actively have a problem. It's the stupidest shit I've ever seen. I felt so lost throughout all this. Slowly learning the dos and donts of this stupid substance was a process I wish I didn't go through

Anyway yeah. Fuck dph I'm tired of dealing with the effects. I don't even like the high anymore everytime I get on it as of lately I've just get mad and hurt myself with it. That's fucking all. And I'm tired of hurting myself. Shit is old

Annnd I'm gonna keep my head straight from here on hopefully. I don't really want to kill myself now that I see it's really the leftover benadryl talking. I uh... don't really want to go back to my old job.. so I'll be applying to some irl places instead. Hopefully that'll encourage to stop smoking so damn much as well. I'm going to call into sallie Mae snd hopefully get another deferment and my uni debt I'll be able to skate by this month but from here on I'll keep up with that better

I'll upload proof this time since I'm finally giving up my strict anonymity thing. Probably tomorrow.. I'm exhausted.

God uh for one, I already semi knew I'd be okay THE DAY I QUIT and I put in so many applications. I even got a response back.. but my dumbass was so hellbent on ending my shit I not only didn't call em back, I blocked they number so they couldn't try to do any followup. Stupid shit 😭

I think I'm glad I did it though. I wanna do something completely different this time and I applied to all office jobs. I know I'd run into the same issue if I do some more work from home officey/customer service shit rn

And hopefully... if nothing else.. I can save the money to make the appointments to get diagnosed. If I can manage just keeping a job for longer than 2 weeks, I'll make enough money to pay off my debts with no problem.

I dont want to smoke, I don't want to play anything, I don't really wanna play or watch anything anymore, I just want to be sad and get some money to get myself fixed atp

Anyways L. I feel dumb ah. I'm ready to move on

[andthemoonwalks]

.

[eternlle]

does amazon realize that people don’t order medications off of their site for fun??   but for convenience?  ideally, for that sweet quick shipping??     they won’t be able to send me my meds for almost a week, and i’ve only got 2 days worth of pills left.

[subject4a]

tfw tumblr mobile fucking hates you so you have go write ur posts in html like a fucking gremlin

[waitimcomingtoo]

Plank All Over Me - 72 Questions With Vogue Edition

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Plank All Over Me Series Masterlist

Regular Masterlist

“Hi. I’m here from Vogue. Mind if I ask you a few questions?”

“Oh, hey. Didn’t see you there.” You flirtatiously flipped your perfectly curled hair over your shoulder and winked at the camera. “Come on in.”

You walked inside your house, and gestured for the camera man to follow. In preparation for the interview, you and Tom had gotten out every award you’d ever won and strategically placed them around the house. You smiled at the camera and rubbed your hand over your growing baby bump.

“Welcome to my crib. Sorry it’s such a mess.” You rolled your eyes and faked a laugh, knowing the house was far from being a mess. You kept walking and saw Tom in the living room, polishing on of his awards with a feather duster.

“Oh my stars.” You feigned a gasp once you spotted Tom. “Is that my husband, the critically acclaimed movie star and Lip-sync battle winner, Tom Holland? I had no idea he was home.” You winked at the camera again.

“Oh, hello.” Tom stopped dusting and posed with a smile. “Don’t mind me. I was just cleaning this.”

“Might want to give that a dusting too.” You pointed to one of your awards before sending the camera another huge smile.

“Are you guys ready to answer some questions?” The camera guy asked.

“I was born ready.” Tom concurred with a smile.

“You were a C section baby.” You reminded him. “You weren’t even born.”

“I was removed ready.” He kept the same tone in his voice.

“Where did you meet?” The camera man asked as you and Tom began to walk towards your backyard.

“We met at BBC Radio 1 while doing the Plank All Over Me challenge.” Tom answered.

“Where was your first date?”

“Cracker Barrel.” You winked at the camera as you opened your back door. Tom laughed and shook his head at your joke.

“It was not. We got milkshakes at an Ice Cream Shop in Soho.” He corrected you.

“Who made the first move?”

“Why, he did.” You touched a hand to your heart. “He found me after the planking challenge, both our arms sore and aching, and asked me out on a date. We’ve been together ever since.”

“When you did you move in together?”

“About six months into the relationship when I realized she had a bigger bathroom than me.” Tom answered as he took a seat in one of your decorative deck chairs.

“How long have you been together?”

“Since September 29, 2019 at precisely 6:33 p.m.” You responded.

“Wow. Just a year?”

“Realistically, we’ve been together for a few years, but that’s when this series was first posted.” You shrugged. Tom and the camera blinked in confusion for a few minutes as they processed what you said.

“Moving on.” The camera man cleared his throat. “Tom, how did you pick an engagement ring?”

“I went into the shop and I said “which is the least expensive because I’m trying to buy a Porsche” and that’s how she ended up with this bad boy.” Tom smirked as he held up your hand to show off your engagement ring.

“I can’t wait to tell our baby that story.” You played along as you rubbed your baby bump.

“When did you know you wanted to propose?”

“As soon as she started whining because the planking was hurting her arms, I knew she was the one.” Tom joked.

“Did you know he was going to propose?”

“Surprisingly, no.” You laughed. “It’s the one secret he’s ever kept.

“I nearly got an ulcer from trying to keep it from her.” Tom blew out a breath.

“Who planned the majority of the wedding?”

“I did.” You declared. “I had to text Tom the morning of the wedding to remind him where the venue was.”

“Did either of you cry?”

“As soon as I mentioned the yoga challenge in my vows, the whole room was sobbing.” Tom teased.

“How big was the reception?”

“Let’s just say, we had all the Avengers there.” Tom nodded.

“All the important ones, anyway.” You joked. “Mackie couldn’t make it.”

“How did you spend your honeymoon?”

“We went to Bali and didn’t see any of it.” Tom smirked, earning a playful smack on the arm from you.

“What’s been your favorite video together?”

“I loved the prank with Josh.” You answered with a smile.

“I didn’t.” Tom shook his head. “I nearly threw hands with a ginger that day. I quite liked the friendship test.”

“What video gave you the fondest memories?”

“Spill your Guts, for sure. That’s when I learned about the existence of this one.” Tom beamed as he rubbed your baby bump.

“What was your least favorite video to film?”

“We already know Tom’s answer.” You chuckled.

“Prank interview.” He stated. “To this day, I hate it.”

“Did you see yourself getting married when you first met?”

“All I saw were the nose hairs in Tom’s nostrils when we first met.” You laughed. “After all, he did plank on me for six and a half minutes.”

“I had a feeling we would.” Tom smiled shyly. “Or a hope, at least.”

You pouted at his sincerity and leaned forward to kiss him, which his happily accepted.

“Have you thought of baby names?”

“Josh.” You answered immediately and Tom groaned.

“I’m kidding.” You rolled your eyes. “I really like the name Ryan Reynolds though.”

”What are you hoping for?”

“An oscar.” Tom answered at the same time you said “A divorce.”

“You already want a divorce?” The camera man laughed.

“Oh, not a divorce from Tom.” You assured him. “I want Ryan Reynolds to divorce Blake Lively so he can marry me instead.” You explained as Tom nodded along.

“And I want to die every time she says that.” He cracked a smile.

“Let’s get back to the baby questions.” The camera man said as you began to move around the yard. “Do you know the gender?”

“We do.” Tom said deviously. “But we’re not telling.”

“Do you think the baby will be more like their mother or their father?”

“Definitely me.” You stated.

“Why are you so sure?”

“Because Tom’s not the father.” You smiled sweetly. Tom stared at the camera with an unamused expression and shook his head.

“Who’s going to be the fun parent?”

“Considering I’m the parent who can swing from buildings, I say me.” Tom boasted.

“Who’s going to teach the baby how to read?”

“I am. And after the baby learns, they can teach Tom.” You smiled as you patted Tom’s shoulder.

“Do you think the baby will like to plank?”

“If they’re anything like their mommy, no.” Tom poked fun at you.

“And if they’re anything like their daddy, they’ll grow up to play the Green Lantern.” You shot back.

“Hahahah. She’s so funny.” Tom forced a laugh at your joke.

“Do you think the baby will develop your senses of humor?”

“Wait, you have a sense of humor?” You asked Tom. “You didn’t tell me that.”

“She loves me so much, it’s crazy.” Tom deadpanned towards the camera.

“Do you want the baby to grow up to be an actor or actress like you guys?”

“I just want the baby to be happy.” Tom gave a serious answer. “Every thing else will fall into place on its own.”

“That’s a great answer. Do you think you’ll post about the baby a lot of keep them out of the spotlight for the first few years of their life?”

“I think we’ll wait until they’re at least 4 months old until we exploit them for our own financial gain.” You said and Tom nodded along.

“Have you picked out the godparents yet?”

“Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhaal.” You joked. “They’re so excited. Jake said he would take the baby fishing.”

“He’s taken me fishing a few times.” Tom said as he stared off.

“How have you been preparing for the baby?”

“Well, I personally stopped sleeping, changed my whole diet, started lactating, and my pelvic bone separated in the middle so that I could push the baby out. Tom, what did you do?” You tilted your head at him.

“I bought the car seat.” Tom said proudly. “My wife picked it out, though.”

“I also drove him there.” You glared at the camera for a moment, cracking a smile after your joke.

“What are you most looking forward to after the baby is born?”

“Laying on my stomach.” You laughed as you looked down at your protruding bump.

“I also miss laying on her stomach.” Tom pouted as he rubbed the bump. “That was my favorite cuddle position.”

“Aw. I’m sorry we can’t cuddle the way you want to anymore because I’m growing your child inside my body.” You said sarcastically, making Tom laugh.

“Thank you for growing our child inside your body. I don’t say it enough.” Tom praised as he leaned in for a kiss.

“You’re welcome.” You smiled at him before turning to the camera man. “Anything else you want to know?”

“Actually, I have a question.” Tom stated as he looked at the camera.

“What’s that?” The camera man asked. You and Tom looked at each other and exchanged a smile before turning back the the camera.

“Are you excited to meet our baby girl?”

Tag List 🏷

@thebookwormlife​ @imanativeofswlondondahling​ @weirdr-artiest​ @serendipitous-amor​ @dummiesshort​

@foreverxholland​ @lavender-writer​ @captainmandeestudent17​ @whatareyouhidingpeter​ @takenbyheartstrings​ @ultrunning​ @imyourliquor-youremypoison​ @theolwebshooter​ @andreasworlsboring101​ @guksmyfav @waiting-to-be-myself​ @letsloveimagines​ @peterparkoure​ @a-villain-vying-for-attention​ @justcallmehitgirl​ @averyfosterthoughts​ @jackiehollanderr​ @tiny-friggin-human @mara-twins​ @iamaunicorn4704​ @maryjanee23​ @geeksareunique​ @emmamarshmellow​ @unbelievableholland​ @rebekkah4766​ @flixndchill​ @sovereignparker​ @thisisthebiplace​ @spideydobrik​ @every-marveler-ever​ @undiadeestos​ @caelestii-e​ @eridanuswave​ @itscaminow​ @fiantomartell​ @solarxmoonchild​ @where-art-thau-romeo​ @canyouevencauseicant​ @illwritetomorrow​ @thehappygrungelife​ @saysomethingspiderman​ @parkerboop​ @smilexcaptainx​ @quaksonhehe​ @kelieah​ @kickingn-ames​ @babeyspidey​ @seasidecrowbar​ @lovelessdagger​ @love-sick-blues​ @electraheart-3174​ @lou-la-lou @unbelievableholland​ @yourtypicalhotmess​ @spideyanakin​ @horanxholland​ @thesuitelifeofafangirl​ @anapocalypseinmymind​ @marshxx​ @heyheycharlatte​ @nooneinvitedfascistbarbie​ @tomshufflepuff​ @cookiemonstermusic258​

@maybemona @young-romanoff​ @alexxcorona113​ @fancyxparker​ @lethal-wisdom @xo-spidey​ @im-still-tryin-to-find-it​ @big-galaxy-chaos​ @pandaxnienke @theincredibledeadlyviper​  @thestylestour​  @officialsimppage​ @mrvelscaptains @peterspideysstuff​ @reemusluupin​ @perspectiveparker​ @itsemohours​ @satanswitchings​ @okkulta​ @amorhollands @parkerlovebot​ @sarcasticallywitty15​ @mati4188 @geminiparkers @xfirstfemale-marauderx @jungkxxkk @friendlyneighborhood-mendes @awesomebooklover17 @itstaskeen @whatthefuckimbisexual

[queer-crusader]

Okay update on my life since it seems talking about it doesn’t trigger another panic attack/breakdown:

So i graduated in july right

And with the end of uni, my student funding ends too

So i look for a job bc i cannot sustain myself otherwise

Except the economy is shit, because the UK is handling the pandemic almost worse than any other country in the world (we love that)

Knowing i’ll need some financial support to tie me over, i apply to universal credit

I also know my roommate, who i’ve lived with for 5 years, is moving out in october, and i will need to find someone to replace her or i end up paying £1000/month for living in this flat, which i don’t have of course

Job search becomes more frantic and exhausting and stressful

Also my dad started throwing up at some point and is eating less and is very specific about not upsetting his stomach. This is strange because he is known for his iron stomach and has not thrown up in years. I know my family history, i have my suspicions, but the doctor says it could be an ulcer. It could be fine, but my brain jumps to the worst-case scenario, because why wouldn’t it? More stress

Universal credit gets back to me - application denied

I think, hey, the category they filed me under seems wrong, i should be a habitual resident, not an EEA jobseeker, because i’ve lived here 6 years now. So i apply for an appeal, explaining the situation

Few weeks later, i receive a letter. Appeal rejected. It goes into detail how some rule that was set up in 2016 (Brexit year) lists all the reasons why just living here for 6 years, building up contacts, creating a future, feeling at home, being allowed to vote for Scottish parliament elections, is not good enough. Every sentence is like a punch in the gut. The letter boils down to fancy government words that translate to “you’re a freeloading immigrant who, according to our records, might as well be living in Fiji, and we’re giving you fuck all. Good luck surviving”

Full-blown breakdown ensues, because I’ve been fearing this ever since i arrived but was told by EVERYONE that that fear is ridiculous. I fit in, i belong, i sound English, i’m fluent, i’m passionate and well-educated about local politics, etc. I knew it wouldn’t be good enough. Race doesn’t matter; I’m European, and for the UK government, that’s good enough.

Anyway, cue the next day, and my mum phones me with news

My dad is in hospital. Turns out i was right - bowel cancer. He’s going into emergency surgery the very next day to get a tumour removed

I don’t sleep that night, for obvious reasons

Dad comes out of surgery fine, they got the whole thing, took some extra tests to see if it spread but it’s looking good so far. Meanwhile i have images of my dad, skinny as hell and with a tube up his nose seared into my brain

I fly home two days later to be with my family, who obviously need me

My dad is cleared of cancer, which is AWESOME, but we do learn that if the doctors had waited a couple days longer he could have had a perforated bowel. My mum is furious with the GP who underestimated the case

I get in touch with my landlady, saying “hey, this is my life right now, i am not in a position to search for a roommate replacement. Here’s the pics we took of the flat, can you look yourself? Also, if i don’t find a job by the end of the month, I may have to move out as well due to financial struggles, so keep in mind there’s a chance you’re going to have to look for two new tenants”

Landlady’s reply: “oh i can’t afford for the flat to be empty so i’m gonna sell it now”

So now i don’t even have an option of keeping the flat. I’ll have to move out, job or not. I can’t afford a new flat, and i can’t look for one bc a) pandemic and b) im in another country looking after my recovering dad (who is still losing weight btw, 15kg or 30-something lbs or 2.5 stone in a month, it’s horrible to see but at least he’s feeling a little better each day)

If i lose my flat, i may not be able to get a UK job. If i don’t get a UK job, chances are, i can not return to Scotland

6 years of living here, of building friendships, contacts and connections, skills for a career (which is also down the drain - theatre, an industry that is currently being killed by a lovely combo of the UK govt and the pandemic), a home, a love for the county, an intimate knowledge of the workings here, the language, the system, the stories, the history, i almost know the system here better than the Dutch one - my entire adult life. I may lose.

There is a chance i’ll be able to cling on, and god im fighting for it with the few spoons i have after all this stress, but the chance of me losing everything is equally plausible.

I have now flown back to Scotland where I put myself in self-isolation

In a week, my roommate will have moved out and i have 10 or so days left stuck in this place all by myself

I will spend this time packing up all my belongings, choosing what to take back to my parents’ place with me and what to put into storage, which i will pay for with my remaining savings and some financial support from the parents (they can’t afford much tho, my mum is unemployed and on benefits and my dad is a freelancer recovering from fucking surgery. I have no idea what their financial situation is right now, but apparently they’re okay-ish with their savings. Still, stress, and i don’t wanna burden them even more)

Then there’s the hope that the lockdown won’t have regressed back to that point where every plane is cancelled, and i’m stuck in this country without a place to call my home. (Don’t worry, i won’t end up on the street if this happens, I have friends willing to shelter me until i can fly home if they have to)

And once i’ve left, it’s only a question of when, and more promenently if, I’ll be able to return here, to Scotland.

I have never been this stressed, and i have never been this terrified. I am angry all the time (yes you can read that in Zuko’s voice lmao), I’m exhausted, and i’m fuelled by spite against prime minister Blow-Job and sheer stubbornness in refusing to feel like shit, because i just can’t be bothered with that. I just about manage to get through the day, to get up at a reasonable time, to feed myself, to shower, to exercise (because if i don’t, my wonky hip will give me hell and i’ll be in agony on top of my depression and anxiety. We love functioning bodies). But I’ll be okay. I’m trying to find solutions for everything, one step at a time. I’m taking care of myself the best i can. And if you wonder where my writing updates are, or my shitposts, or my ridiculously excited tags, then firstly, thank you for noticing ohmygod i love you, and secondly, know that i’ll be back. If God exists, know im kicking their ass. Fuck all this bullshit, my life is a mess but i REFUSE to let it stop me in my tracks. I’m too powerful, i am Brian David Gilbert’s interpretation of Sonic (either a god or can kill god and it doesn’t matter which). I’m gonna keep on truckin.

[salemrising666]

my depression and health battle

DEPRESSION

IS A BATTLE THAT CAN BE WON

as I pull the petals of this beautiful flower I noticed I had reached the last petal as I muttered to myself im lucky and tore it away from its steam I noticed one small underdeveloped petal hanging on for dear life and I muttered im not lucky and with my bad luck streak in life I thought it was some kind of omen was this a sign that my bad luck streak would never end or was I bein stupid overthinking things yet again I guess we can only find out as I battle my demons.

I sat there for a few minutes trying to talk myself out of this sign that everything would be fine it had to be my luck had to turn at some point hadnt it?

When I was 15 I started having eye trouble and my thirst for sugar had increased dramatically my parents had noticed this more than I had and suggested I go see a eye specialist to sort my eye troubles out when we got there my parents mentioned the sugar intake and they tested my blood sugars which were off the charts high I had further blood tests to soon discover that I was a type one diabetic and because of all the sugar in my bloodstream had temporarily changed my eye shape hence the blurred vision,i was sent to a hospital for two weeks to earn the ins and outs of how to take care of myself with this new disease it was scary and so hard I had never had a phobia of needles but to learn that I would here on out have to stick a needle into my stomach with each meal snack and drink was scary and take my sugars before each meal which would mean also stabbing my fingers scared the hell out of me and I thought why me why now anda lot of damage had already been done as I could have been diabetic for wuite a while before they had found it

I was to face some debhilitating challenges almost dying and permenant damage that would change my life forever things I would have to learn to live with and adapt to such as permenant eye damage agonizing diabetic neuropathy the loss of my left small toe then a further amputation of the joint including multiple procedures like laser eye surgery eye injections eye surgery two amputations the removal of all my teeth due to gastro peresis stages where I couldnt stomach any food throwing it all up losing weight to where my organs were failing and me on my death bed and not knowing why I have neer given up in all these struggles even though I knew oh well eating will end up with me bent over the toilet for hours being labelled as having a eating disorder and trying to convince doctors no this is medical and something was wrong having a feeding tube forced down your throat becausee of these labels and watched while I showered and used the toilet was horrible being in hospital for three months fighting for my life as I never realised how important food was for your body till I was striken with gatsro peresis and not being able to consume it and practically starving to deathi thought this was it this would kill me as nobody could find what was wrong and trying to tell me I was doing this to myself on purpose I refused to leave myhouse as I was ashamed of how thin I was I got down to 31 kilos and there was nothing left of me I was stuck in mental health and was forced to talk to psychiatrists about my so called eating disorder as they tried to help me but how can you fix something that doesnt exist they finally realised months later after leaving the hospital that it was medical from all of the tests I was made to do im still battling these issues today truing to gain weight I have also lost a large portion of my eyesight due to diabetic neuropathy when the blood vessels overgrow and cause permenant damage and the obly way to stop th further damage is to have laser ee surgery to try stop the vessels from growing which worked for a while then I was told they were growing again

so the next step was to have multiple injections over months into the eye to try shrink them which I am still having today as they have flared up again I now have to wear glasses but I can never drive as my vision is that impaired.

Another thing I battle wth is diabetic neuropathy which Is where your nerves send misfired pain signals to your brain when nothing is actually wrong you feel shock like pains hot pins and needles aches and some feeling losswhich contributed to me losing my small left toe I had gotten a blister that I didnt know I had which turned into a foot ulcer got infected and ate its way down to my bones I then got na serious bone infection called ostemyelitis which eats away at your bones they tried a long course of iv antibiotics to get rid of it but it falled and the only way to stop me from losing my whole leg was to amputate the small toe I was terrified as I lay in hospital and the doctors came in to wheel me ito surgery next thing I knew I was waking back up in my ward and my foot was being unwrapped I was in shock seeing my little toe missing they put something called a vac seal on it which helped fill the giant hole I now had in my foot and healed it three times faster than without it because of my compromised immune system from the auto immune disease they think I have that hasnt been even named yet I struggled to heal fully allowing infection bac into the amputation site which meant round two but they were to tell me I was going to loose my whole leg and had two weeks until surgery so as I went home and tried to prepare one day post surgery checkin they told me we are just going to amputate the remaning joint I had a sigh of relief but it was still loosing more of my foot I have had a rough life health wise as there has always been something wrong I have had the worst luck possible so many long hospital trips and now being 27 I just want to be as healthy as possible and live the life I know I deserve after all this grief and I have learnt to appreciate even the smallest of things and especially all the people who never left me in all my struggles and mood swings I am forever grateful for them as I know I wouldnt be here without them although they tell me they understand what im going through they couldnt possibly but I hate that ive had to go through all this and more I hate more the people I love have had to watch me gp through this amd I am usually a happy bright bubbly person but I mean I have my bad days where im depressed and wished all these afflictions didnt plague me everyday and it is also hard as I cant just forget I have these things as they impair everything I do I cant just turn around and be like I dont feel like being type 1 diabetic for a day as I would face horrible repurccusions .

In all this hardship I know there is people suffering out there more than I am I just wish I didnt have to fight everyday with all of this and fight to keep my life I want to just live it and be happy and I know I will get there I will never give up no matter how bloody hard this is or will get but I just wnted to tell a small portion of what I have gone through in my life in the hopes it may inspire of help somebody suffering with anny of these issues and yes depression is a hard thing to overcome but there are always things to help I find art and writing in a journal helps and venting all it takes is that one special person to listen and have your back if anybody reading this wants to chat I will always lend a ear to you so dont be afraid I may look odd and be odd but I am friendly and have a massive heart thank you for reading.

[magomi]

i started my p*riod today and i get my teeth pulled at one and im in soooo much pain already from my cramps and i cant take ibuprofen because i cant eat anything and if i take it w/out ill give myself stomach ulcers. also my sinuses are inflammed via our terrible air quality. i might not make it through today

[ourbastardofsorrows]

The Evil Dead, Psycho, Alien, and Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

the evil dead: do u have any weird/obscure interests?

idk if this counts as weird/obscure but ive always been super into poisons/toxicology!

psycho: do u collect anything, or want to? if so, what?

i have a (small but growing) collection of tarot cards! its going to be smaller by one deck bc im sending that one to a friend for her birthday :)

alien: what character do u relate to a lot?

adam parrish for sure and also james fitzjames

invasion of the bodysnatchers: how do u think ppl see u? how do u see urself?

uhh based on how people act in my teacher training classes they see me as “a good person to work with bc they know the material and pull their weight in group activities” but i have no idea how people see me outside of situations where i can be of some use to them. funny maybe? ive been called funny before so i guess people might see me as funny

and as for how i see myself... i mean. im resilient and reasonably clever so thats nice. im also very aware of my flaws (i have quite the martyr complex & grudges that aged like fine wine & maybe all that anger i swallowed every time someone hurt me is starting to give me ulcers and thats why my stomach feels awful whenever someone doesnt throw laurels at my feet after i share a Brilliant Idea & i dont like to waste time wondering if im going too far until the dust has settled and the damage is done)

[littlestar2rayoflight]

the only things ive eaten today have been four clementines and two serving of homemade butternut squash soup so i keep being like "hahaha im on an all orange diet. i only eat orange foods now" and then i give myself a stomach ulcer thinking about the fic where mark fakes scurvy for wardos attention