#im going to eat my own hair
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I'm so tired of the notes my foraging post only being about mushroom consumption. Yes. Mushrooms can be hazardous. Yes, they are more hazardous than plants (partly because their characters are more subtle and more easily confused!!). However, SO ARE PLANTS. I'm so tired of the fear mongering surrounding mushrooms in the foraging community while plants are treated as essentially harmless. You need to know what you are looking at! You need to be able to describe it! Or you WILL eventually hurt yourself or others! If you cannot reliably key out a species, you cannot reliably double check yourself.
#im going to eat my own hair#my post was all purpose but i didnt mention mushrooms whatsoever. there were mushrooms in that meal but guess what?#those were IDed CORRECTLY#“close enough” is not good enough with vascular plants either you fucks#(admittedly part of this may be that im bitter that everyone gives more fucks about other kingdoms than they do about the plants. sue me.)#foraging nonsense
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THEY'RE FINALLY DONE
this was fun as hell and I had a great time piecing together every detail together from the results of the poll. Yearning and Bitch Energy being real high REALLY caused Loop's outfit to be as drastic as it is.
I'll be making a second post later with all the various doodles and design notes I made along with the references I used.
UNTIL THEN please pore your attention over every detail and try to find the bits of yearning. There's inspirations from everyone except Siffrin
#isat#in stars and time#isat spoilers#spoilers#Loop#myart#fanart#i recommend other peeps do this!#It was a great challenge and im happy with the results!#legit will keep the majority of these details for my own human Loop#short hair esp#now im going to go eat im starving#ophiuchus
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never change, man !
#phantom of the paradise#potp#swan potp#nightmaretheater#65 layers and about 24 hours . Eeeyyuppp#Look into my beautiful mind boy#Its a bit unusual to what i usually draw#but i had to push a specific look for this piece#hopefully you all are picking up on the corperate look . the advertisment look#Sneeze. Anyways my point is industry destroys creative people. This includes swan#I feel like phrases like these ; how he was put on a pedistal…. it lead him to be Like That#as awful as he is he desperately needed help#it might seem like vanity on the surface#but i think its… more than that#long story short: we need to destroy the beauty industry. the skincare industry. the anti-aging industry#It ruined his psyche forever and he cant let go of the ideal version of himself he will never truly be again#i dont think he can at this point. hes in too deep and hes suffering for it no matter how much he feels hes fixed his problems#he cant accept a version of himself that isnt that perfect young man. because he never confronted his problems. he just ran away#anyways . Hi swath *punches him**kicks him*#i dont care if nobody gets me lalalalla my truths and headcanons are awesome forever and i live in my own reality lallaallal#sorry i think im gonna be posting about swan alot for a few months hes making me sick#i wass gonna post this earlier but my internet was real bad#*lays down in my pile of pillows* eat up boys. haha#sidenote: drawing white blond people is horrifiying. Boy your skin and hair are the same color. Introduce some contrast to yourself. Please#adding on: its inportant to note this focuses on him looking st himself in the mirror alot on purpouse#to remind himself what he ‘’’’really’’’’ looks like#the 4 middle pannels all represent that too . u have to be in my brain ri get this#sorry for unleashijg another swan essay in my tags. will happen again lol
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watching haikyuu after being in the blue lock pit for a while is so refreshing. like they're so normal
#one of my favorite things about liking different sports manga is getting to compare the protagonists#and hinata and isagi have a similar hunger—that's a really big theme in haikyuu too‚ and hinata in reference to the way he plays as eating#is brought up but it's different than isagi. i think the most succint way to put it is hinata's 'the view from the top is one i could never#see on my own' vs isagi's 'im a striker' [and the whole 'we will‚ no i will lead japan to victory] thing#but hinata's selfishness is an important part of his character as well and that's how he growsa#granted haikyuu is a story about connection and blue lock is a battle manga so like the comparisons are Clearly not necessarily. Accurate#but it's interesting!! that there's similarities. and i guess that could be attributed to the traits you need to be a successful athlete#i was on the same track team as a few guys who are probably going to be in the olympics and like. You have to be insane for these things#oh also another interesting comparison is hinata and isagi's relative backgrounds; hinata lives in a rural area and had a lot less#opportunities than his peers and did what he could and isagi is Literally Average Guy From Average Suburb.#i have few points to make here it's just interesting comparison [<- i think i have already said this twice]#though actually yeah the themes of class show up pretty consistently in hq but very subtly and it's literally just in like. the way you see#differences in opportunities based on income and area in real life. it's just There Always#anyway i have to go rinse.my hair the deep condition is done#masayapping#<- YAPPED FR
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Having to explain to my mom that 5min crafts is a content farm/what that is. That sure they have some genuine hacks, but a lot are genuinely dangerous and bad
It's like I'm not trying to be the parent, but I've been on the internet daily since I was 9 years old and you respectively have only been on it for maybe 8 years? Consistently? And only on Facebook. Like man the shit I have seen has aged me a lot more mentally than I care to admit.
It's so hard too bc I know I should like a know it all/conspiracy freak when I tell her not to get a reddit bc she's gonna get sucked into a WS cult and get radicalized, or when I tell her Facebook reels is the same as tiktok. Which she has continuously forbade me to have since it came out (bc evil chinese company. It's okay when it's an evil American company though). That she needs to be careful and not just believe whatever she sees, but it's like for once I DO know more and I DO need to be the adult.
Like I remember having so many fucking talks to get her out of that SAVE THE CHILDREN shit and debunking the wayfair shit, and the Hillary Clinton shit, and all this shit. I constantly am telling her "nope that's antisemitism in disguise, heres why" ab stupid theories and shit and why they're harmful and it's like I want to fucking scream
Idk where I was going with this but like god I'm tired
#and she gets mad when im 'parenting' her and its like well then fucking use your brain!!! think before you share shit! ask questions!!!!#had to explain that the reason jfk had a diff coffin on air force one wasn't like a body swap but bc the first casket wasnt secured right#and the man was LEAKING in the fucking casket and they had to get a clean easier to transport one#that it was his family that didnt want it open not the gov like the man had half a fucking head at that point!! what did you expect?!#and then shes like well how do YOU know all this shit. how do you know YOURE right and Its like bc i check my sources?? bc i know how to??#bc i actually use my brain and dont sit in a digital echo chamber validating what i want to hear#thankfully we dont actually get fox in our house somehow (god probably) and we dont have cable so she cant watch fox & friends#but Facebook is it's own fucking up hill battle and it's like go back to playing 1010! and shit on your phone instead#and she stays on Facebook for that dopamine hit and its like i know you have adhd and your dr doesnt believe you but for godsake#i stg she's the reason my body hair is still turning white. it initially stated bc my dad was causing us so much fucking stress and then#it lessened a bit but now im finding more and more like my body is eating the pigment sgdgdgdgd#im gonna go gray by 35 i stg i have ONE white hair on my head and have gotten several on every part of my body like eyebrows and armpits ect#the funniest is leg hair like oh okay go grandpa#ANYWAYS im tired and i guess i needed to get this out#marquilla
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getting out of my bed is ALWAYS a mistake <3
#give them an inch they'll take a mile#they always have to ruin everything#i just have to start the topic of ''uh so about dinner...'' and instead of perhaps. supposing.#that their kid struggling w various eating disorders might be already kinda stressed about the whole thing#they just go ooooooh yeah why not dine out tonight#FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU#why have you completely stopped giving a single flying shit about what might be difficult for me#the very second i started being able to control the VISIBLE UNSTOPPABLE PANIC#why does something have to be litterally the end of the world for me for you to fucking care for once#why is this the only way to have quality time with my own goddamn parents. mandated enabled binge sesh.#I KNOW IM THE PROBLEM#TRUST ME I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL WE GET OUT OF EACH OTHERS LIVES EITHER#BUT IN THE MEANTIME YOU COULD FUCKING TRY TO NOT TRAP ME INTO IMPROMPTU TORTURE SESSIONS#LESS THAN SIX MONTHS BEFORE IM OUT OF YOUR HAIR FOREVER HOPEFULLY#YOU SIGNED UP TO MAKE SOME SACRIFICES WHEN YOU HAD A KID CMON DONT GIVE UP NOW#im. god. i know i shouldnt hate them for that. they do make sacrifices and efforts.#just entierly the wrong sacrifices and efforts that don't ever fucking help#they're full of love but goddamn are they awful at raising a child#broadcasting my misery#vent
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I feel like a cornered animal I wanna fucking bite someone's head off!! everything is so fucking shitty I want to leave!!!!
#after im done w my tea i might ask to borrow the minivan so i can go sit in a parking lot and take a breather#i prefer driving the prius but it's my dad and i would rather eat my own severed finger than ask him for anything right now#harper has spoken#negative#pulling my fucking hair out
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whyyyyy do people think disordered eating is healthyyyyyyy i am going to explode myself soon i cannot live around these people any more my god
#i dont even want to say what all was said lol it's so fucked up#maybe I'll just go back to starving myself and becoming more underweight just to earn mothers approval (sarcasm)#actually u know what. even if i did that she'd probably get angry at me for it lmao she'd be pissed that I'd be losing weight when she isnt#I CANNOT TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS IM HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME#THESE PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING AWFUL#I WANT OUT OF HERE I REALLY DO#I dont know how to cope w this honestly#i keep trying to twist things to be tolerable but jesus fucking christ the ED is starting to rear its head again#theyre just so fucking mean and stupid and fatphobic and i have to spend so much time around them#its impossible to block out#i keep finding myself thinking i dont need to eat veggies bc ''theyre basically poison'' and im just ARRGHHH#GET OUT OF MY HEAD PLEASEEEE I DONT WANT TO BE THINKING LIKE THIS#idk how to cope w this bc i HAVE the science disproving them and I've spent time undoing fatphobia in my own brain#and my family just keeps setting back my progress bc it is impossible to block them out entirely#i want to crawl out of my skin and jump into a deep lake and never resurface#im so tired of this all and idk what to do. tearing my hair out a little bit#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#fatphobia tw#dieting tw#ed tw#ask to tag
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I told y'all I was gonna draw her. I'm obsessed with this character, her design ticks off so many boxes of things I love in designs:
• Black and red main colors
• Fingerless gloves
• Red eyes
• Lots of buttons
• Short hairstyle + curls/waves
• High heeled boots
#i am so normal about this game (that's a lie im eating the walls actually)#WHAT'S YOUR NAME NEW GIRL I NEED TO KNOW...#so far there is like no art of her. i am going to change that.#it was kind of hard drawing her because i couldn't really get a good look at her shoes#and her hair was a little hard too; im not the best at wavy hair but i tried my best!#it's so funny i got heavily into genshin and honkai star rail and i thought my persona days were over#like don't get me wrong i still loved it but i didn't feel the same excitement i used to.#but seeing the news for p3r and p5t changed that; and smth sparked and i've been listening to the osts again#im genuinely so SO excited for p5t it's a little embarrassing but im owning it#once this girl gets an official name i will tag her properly but for now; take my doodle#persona 5 tactica#persona 5#p5t#update: her name is elle!!!!#elle
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what is it like having normal family who does not constantly guilt trip you :)
#vent#sorry ik i never actually complain on here but im just so sick and tires#tired#i do so much for them and then today they turn around and tell me im lazy#i think they thought it was a funny joke but honestly it’s just fucking rude#i cook i run errands i give them lifts and pick them up. and what do i get in return? minimal thanks and told im lazy#whatever man like yeah ill contribute to household but you could at least act a little grateful for it#feeding you and running around for you is not my responsibility i could move out and leave you to your own devices#i hate it bc they will just. not eat. if i don’t cook#whatever idc anymore go starve#like sorry i wanted one (ONE) day off. sorry that it looks like im being lazy when really im so depressed and suicidal that one bad comment-#-will push me over the edge#EDIT sorry there’s more#if it’s not being ‘lazy’ it’s the fact that ive gained weight#or that i don’t shave my legs or that i have facial hair or don’t wear makeup or do my nails#just never good enough for them
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how to not be overstimulated
#put music on - some of my very favourite stuff - and oh! it is making my hair stand on end! in not a good way! i am now on edge and i#don't! know! why!#if only all this would make SENSE >:(#no apparent trigger that i can perceive#back to our regular i want to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeee apparently#and there's no REASON for to be feeling like this it would be so much easier if there WAS#i want to do so many things but they involve Textures and No#knitting? i want to finish my cloak! im les than a row away from the border itself! excited! and its maybe at times getting cool enough i#could wear it! but the mere thought of perhaps i should knit to calm down sounds Too Much! because knitting has Texture!#piano? it has Sounds! and there's a slightly worrying trend beginning to emerge that piano makes me Feel Emotions! and it's been like at#least five times where ive gone to play the piano to calm down which helps to some extent but also helps to remove a numb feeling which is#overall good emotionally but it has ended up with me harming because i can't Deal with the Emotions! and i dont think this is a very good#trend! i could get out my colouring book i was given for my birthday and see if that helps but that also has Sounds! pencil on paper sounds#i could write but id have to work out a different scene because i cannot write the scene im up to rn bc it's hard enough when im#emotionally stable bc neither character knows what to do or say!#so many things i *could* do! i could go for a walk! too Bright#i could do All These Things If Only I Could#am i just making up all these difficulties and is it just my own stupid brain that's inventing things? Who Knows!!#and it's so unfair that eating makes everything *worse*#it shouldn't happen that way#it just shouldn't#i just want to die so bad#i wont do anything#not permanent i mean#tw suicidal ideation#tw sh#for the record i ate a meal like an hour and a half ago and ive hydrated#personal#im just so tired and pathetic and messed up :/
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cant sleep thinking about gerard way costume character archetypes of iconic yet wronged women
#im going to eat my own hair and nails can we talk about it i know i am always talking about it but can we talk about it again#the cheerleader the nurse.. princess diana.. JOAN OF ARC#um. cats. you know what that fits actually
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exhibiting never before seen signs of self actualization/mental illness
#dancing around the apartment with the same emo ass screamy song on repeat for the 20th time and randomly#cutting various t-shirts into crop tops as i see fit#it IS 4 am and i am swinging my hair around like it is midday which is so dangeous for my sleep schedule but#in my defense an evening coffee happened#anyways why did i wait this long to move out lol i love it here#also i think an interesting thing has happened to my brain and i am finally O.K with not having plans on a friday night#comforted by the fact that i have an extremely busy saturday night so i am just allowed to like#chill with myself tonight#and after the week i have had BY GOD do i deserve it#and i dont feel 'lame' and i'm not constantly checking in on other people to see what they are doing like#im genuinely just vibing#extremely new feeling for the girl who always has to be Somewhere#i think i no longer feel like i am making up for lost time#tbh trutfhully i am in my ''disaster undergrad'' era at 25 but with like.#money.#in an unfurnished apartment sleeping on the floor with the rattiest and shaggiest haircut i have ever sported in my life and#eating my breakfast cereal out of a mug with a plastic spoon bc i dont own much dishware#and going to bed at 4 am when i have work at 8 am and somenow manageing to get it all done#cooking my own meals messily and making mistakes#except i can afford to make the mistakes and i can make the adult purchases and plan vacations and trips and buy clothes etc so it is like#the best of both worlds in a way#i feel like i worked really hard to be in the exact space that i am in now and i know a lot of it was sheer luck#of being in the right place at the right time to know the right people to get jobs and stuff#and a SHIT ton of prayer and reflection and introspection and indecision#but things are looking the way i want them to now!!!#veeeeery slowly#anyways on an unrelated note does someone want to help me pick a bedframe <3
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aghhhhhhhh fuck insomnia i was SO sleepy around 8pm (the time i went to bed last night) and then i was like iiiii shouldddd probablyyyy brushhh myyyy teeeeeth and then i did and now its all gone. not a drop of melatonin in my bloodstream
#txt#negative#im debating pulling an all niter bc being on an early schedule was SO NICE for like two days#unhealthy eating////////////////////#i should probably. eat dinner. or like Something bc i did not eat dinner i just had an apple#was TRUTHFULLY like 'if i go to dinner i wont be so sleepytired afterwards' but i will always find another way 2 sabotage my own sleepytired#:\#yknow what. im gonna go buy myself a nature valley and if that doesnt knock me back into a stupor i will dye my hair purple and finish my#essay while the dye is setting
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want to write in my journal but im sleepy and dont wanna but i do but i dont. if i could write and lie in bed i would but i cant. typing long thoughts on my phone has become insufferable. gosh i wanna go to bed. but i know i wont lollll
#smth smth im finally getting the experienced i want but i end up comparing them to everyone else anyways. social media is a curse#im glad to be picking up habits like eating healthier and going outside more and hiking and biking and that my study abroad experience is#my own and i cant compare myself to others but yk. but yea i just. need to continue more with things that ground me and spend more time#living than be on my ohone. unrelated but i wanna buy these sauce bowls i saw at shilin ys. and try a few food stalls there. also my hair#is growing out weird and its grey but the roots are brown and i like my hair but i dont and i feel like i just keep changing my appearance#in order to like... run away from myself and that ive lived my whole life trying to affect as few ppl as possible and like. look at where#that has gotten me. like im fine but i can be so much more and. yea. idk. i want to stay here but im not sure if i should and i can but#man. idk. yea. thats all.
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I can't make something poetic and beautiful out of my pain, so what's the fucking point?
#venty vent#vent cw#vent#i want to create so rucking badly but nothing is coming out there's gum in my gears#it feels like i'm drowning off the coast of an island and everybody's having a party at the shore#unrelated to what's going on to me. i don't think any of you are actively celebrating me having [guesthres vaguely] This#i can barely make myself eat and everything tastes like shit in my mouth too heavy and dull#im considering shaving my head or cutting all my hair off so i dont have to fucking deal with having long matted gross oily hair rn#i just want to stop fucking breathing#and on top of all of this there's this fucking person stalking me and all these religious cults trying to contact me#i wish i lived on my own so i can deterriorate without being pestered to go do dishes#i just want to stop breathing i just want it to fucking stop
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WELCOME TO MY TWISTED TRANSISTOR