#im just scared and insecure and frustrated with myself

[arrow-guy]

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[tamagotchikgs]

just realized i hav therapy in a week n i wonder if i should tell my therapist i sh or if she would instantly hit me with the bpd beam because im also thinking of bringing up more in depth how strongly relationships n the emotions involved (the illogical horrors created solely by me n also the good ones) affect me and . well. it . is very much like ppl i know with bpd in fact it is textbook (surface level)

[bunnihearted]

🕸️

[radiantaerynsvn]

someone kick my ass into finishing the final touches on my aeryn sun art because it's been taking me too long and enough is Enough

[zarovich]

i wish i never developed an eating disorder 😐

[bwbawa]

hello, so I'm questioning if I'm autistic so i can reach out for a diagnosis maybe, and i saw another person do this so i wanted to try it out

i wrote a list of some of the things i think that are autistic traits about me and if anyone would like to please read them and tell me if they could be autism or maybe smth else? lol, just as a big favour really. I'll give more context if any is needed, thanks so much!!

also please reblog for reach if you want to, thank you

ts bellow the cut :]

- stimming ( twirling and braiding hair, used to suck on my own hair as a kid, rocking back and forth, doing ??? weird stuff with ny mouth and fingers lol, moving legs a lot)

- echolalia; internal, repeating phrases and songs on my head, but also doing sounds with my mouth

- always feeling like an outsider. This wasn't bad for me as a kid since i was very into creepypastas and media related to being an outcast, i never related it to something bad until adolescence which im still in, and I'm more insecure now about it.

- also, very extroverted as a kid, didn't get social cues and was offensive sometimes

- couldn't and still can't control my strength very well ( sometimes things fall out of my hands or i touch someone harder than i wanted to)

- sensitive skin, to heat cold and pain

- very talkative, as a baby was LITERALLY born babbling

- not good at eye contact, either do way too much or way too little

- terrible at maths (jst not logical to me??? dk how people find them logical )

- kinda restrictive interests but no special interests

- very picky as a child, fav foods were salted noodles with ketchup or by themselves. ( still can't stand some foods and mixing some foods together )

- horrible coordination and balance: didn't learn to tie my shoes correctly, how to ride a bike or how to swim, i bought wheelies and cant use them because my balance is horrible, i run weird (like a baby kind of) and I'm always stumbling on my own feet

- again, didn't learn some stuff until grown: didn't know how to shower correctly or make my bed ( could be due to being very taken care of as a kid, aka my mom didn't let me do stuff by myself )

- terrible spacial awareness: again, stumbling with my own feet, waddling like a penguin when i walk with my friends lol

- bad perception of time

- got upset when things didn't go my way

- ran away when kids were being too loud but didn't mind big performances loud spaces

loud THUDS or sudden noises however startle me, scare me and stress me out: was and still am kind of afraid of balloons, shouting people and loud thuds. As a baby i cried when someone spoke too loudly

- lately I'm much more sensitive to stimuli than i was, could be due to heightened stress in my life: badly done beds make me want to cry, crumbs on the bed feel like hell, heat and sweating are hell, some months ago i cried because my sunglasses and headphones weren't working and there were too many sounds, my head it hurted and everything felt wrong, sent me into a kind of crisis.

- don't think I'm overly empathetic, but i have a strong sense of justice and get very upset and ill about injustices.

related to that, movies and shows that require a lot of stress i don't like, they make me feel ill and i prefer spoilers when it's like that, i get too nervous.

- socially awkward and don't know how to keep conversations going, at least small talk.

- although i used to talk a lot, nowadays i prefer to stay quiet sometimes.

- i get VERY angry and frustrated but it goes away kind of quickly?

-i used to be very loud and I still dont know how to control my tone of voice ( how loud or quiet i am) and i spoke in a very high pitched voice as a child

- i used to read a lot, went to the library in the recess instead of hanging out all the time with kids and used some complicated words that my parents didn't know i knew

- all my life i only had one close friend ( not the same, but always one)

- i think i had a specific routine of morning

- i have a hard time concentrating and being organized

- i make plans for myself in the night and get upset when OTHERS interrupt it but not when i do

- hard time knowing when to pee and when to eat

- again sensory issues, some foods make me want to puke, and wet, sticky or extremely dry hands are disgusting. Also, light touches feel like anger.

- as a kid I repeatedly watched stuff, ended up boring my family because i only wanted to watch that multiple times

- sensory seeker as a kid kind of, slept with my feet up, danced a lot (stimming?)

-i get irritated easily and can hurt people verbally

- don't know if related but i sometimes very anxious, get upset about not saying goodbye correctly to certain people, as a kid i used to cry and didnt want to go to school because of a "bad feeling" that smth bad was gonna happen, could be anxiety.

i absolutely sure there's more, but I don't wanna keep typing

just to finish, most of my circle is neurodivergent. And family wise, my sister is audhd, one cousin and uncle are autistic, my mom has adhd and two of my cousins are suspected autistic.

[uriekukistan]

1, 23, and 24 for jjk for the ask game :p

suddenly i'm scared to have opinions but i do wanna get a lot of these things off my chest so

1 - the character everyone gets wrong :

i wanna say the character people get the most wrong is gojo actually. so many people just portray him as a cocky, silly guy, and miss the deep loneliness and insecurity that comes from being the strongest. its kinda sad because i think his inability to form a true and vulnerable connection is not only heartbreaking, but fundamental to the way he acts and how the story has played out thus far.

that being said, the most frustrating thing for me, and this is not an everyone thing, but i would say the overall...horniness of the jjk fandom contributes to a lot of mischaracterizations. im not saying there's anything wrong with writing or reading smut fics, but i think for a few characters their smut fic personalities have led to a more shallow understanding of their character. gojo is one, as i just mentioned, but also choso and sukuna. (im a bit scared to put this opinion out there, but it's been on my mind for a bit, ever since the gojo figure incident)

23 - ship you've unwillingly come around to :

i guess choso and yuki is one? i didn't really see it at first, but i guess it's kinda sweet, if a little bit one sided. i just don't see choso as the type to be seeking anything out like that, his priority is very clearly protecting his family.

there's more ships i wouldn't touch with a 10 foot poll that i don't see myself ever coming around to, such as MEGUMI AND SUKUNA???? aside from the fact that megumi is 15/16 and sukuna is 1000+, it's still an absolute no from me.

24 - topic that brings up the most rancid discourse :

i try not to get involved in jjk fandom discourse (except this post maybe?), and i wouldn't say this is "rancid" more-so irritating, but i mentioned today how i think specifically the tiktok jjk fandom lacks basic reading comprehension and analysis skills. people are understandably bored with the kind of cyclical writing gege has been putting out there recently, but also some of the ways in which they are criticizing jjk just show a lack of understanding of what's actually happening and the story that's trying to be told. spoilers here i'm sorry you thought the biggest supervillain of the series was going to be taken down easily? i'm sorry you weren't expecting lots of battles in jujutsu kaisen, which literally means sorcery battle? i think it was pretty obvious that this wasn't going to be a normal power of friendship manga from the junpei incident. the whole point of the hidden inventory arc was to show that the point was always to raise a new generation of sorcerers who would be able to work together and be the strongest together. gojo was never going to singlehandedly take down sukuna, and neither will any other character. the individual battles themselves could have more variety, but the direction the story was going was clear from pretty early on. no more spoilers

yeah anyway that's not really "discourse" im just sick of seeing the lists of reasons people think jjk is "mid" now, and all it is is them saying they dont understand plot points that were clearly established and explained.

[nekomimineurosurgery]

sorry i dont post much lately ive just been having an episode and everything hurts so bad and it's hard to see the good or the future much at all and it's been extra hard because i went through some of the worst trauma in the past year since i was a child except it's so much lonelier and feels like theres not much time left for things to get better and because im literally so scared ( hypervigilant, insecure, etc.) All the time I keep ruining things I love so much. I havent been showing up to my job I liked as much and so I have less money and I keep ruining things between my partner and I even though he is good to me and im so in love with him and I want nothing more than than for things to go back to how they were when he was all over me but I've had so many meltdowns that things just arent the same and I'm so terrified they never will be and that im not even seeing all the good that's still here before he decides im too much. im scared im self sabotaging and im scared im going to get my hopes up, "get better", only for it to be too late. I can see myself being codependent but at the same time I crave intense and devotional romance because it's all I know and it feels good when its hard to find purpose or connection in other places. and here i am already fixating on relationship problems because it's easy and im placing so much importance and therefore pressure on my partner who deserves to rest and know he is stable and safe with me. and i guess it makes me really shameful and serves as a reminder that i might have deserved all the bad stuff that's happened since long ago and that im scared will continue to happen. i havent been able to eat much, sleep much. i feel like im as dissociated as i was as a teen again... it's hard to get out of bed. i used to not be able to find enough time in a day to cook, clean, play games, work. i just cant do almost any of it these days. i feel myself trying to claw out of my skin like my flesh is what is keeping me from living my life again. if you're still reading this - im sorry for the vent. i just havent put my true feelings anywhere lately. im scared, terrified. thoughts in my head all scrambled, and some not even mine. but i breathe, i feel the cool air, the warm air, and my skin and hair feel soft. despite what a monster i feel like i am laughed with and held close every day by people i love. this is all just a horrible storm i need to ride out. it's just frustrating. because i cant control the weather, but i can prepare for it. i just really really suck at preparing

[riwrite]

i usually dont vent post bc i know no one likes seeing that but augh. im so frustrated with myself for the state of this blog

first off i know this is entirely on myself and i dont want this to come across as some kind of guilt trip to get interactions bc thats absolutely not what this is — communication goes both ways and ive not exactly done a great job in initiating anything with anyone. my shyness has been at an all-time high online the last couple years and i could blame any number of things on it but thats not what matters here. what does matter is that theres so many of you i want to interact with, either for the first time or the tenth time, and somewhere along the way ive become so insecure that i cant even bring myself to send ask memes with no inbox call on my part!! and that's so annoying!! thats not how this hobby works!! and i never blame anyone else for not answering things bc like. things happen, yknow, whatever, but i feel so damn guilty abt the things in my drafts or things i never sent when i meant to. and its just so damn hard to feel like anyone wants to write with me when i fuckin. isolate myself like this. i love this hobby, ive been rping since i was free on the internet for the first time and definitely too young to be interacting so much with strangers. ive been rping here on tumblr for a full decade. and i miss it even tho im as active as i can be here bc ive been struggling so much. i just need to idk. do it scared. reach out to yall. all of you guys are such talented writers and i want to create stories with you!!!

[sandwichfordinner]

YIPPEE MATCHUPS! I hope you're having a good day! Just to let you know- it might help to have your masterlist pinned to the top otherwise people might not be able to see it! (Unless it is an I just can't see if for some reason... ✌️live laugh love) ANYWAY. YES. IDV. I have no hunter/survivor preference!!!

I am nonbinary and pan, no preference. Im tall- like 5'10 or something, brown eyes, dirty blonde usually long and fluffy with short bangs but I'm thinking about getting it layered short. my style varies, often I either dress quite formal and smart (smart trousers! Blouses and collard shirts! Sweaters!!!) But if im not going out i'll switch to a lot of oversized loose fitting clothes in LAYERS!!! SO MANY LAYERS!!! (im so glad flares are popular again!!!) I quite like clothes, I just refuse to wear dresses or shorts as I am quite insecure and uncomfortable in them.

I am a huge bookworm, passionate about a lot of humanities subjects, philosophy, art, history, sociology and psychology, law e.c.

People often times say I have good knowledge about a variety of subjects or have an opinion on everything.

But to be honest its either 0 or 100 with me. I'm autistic and typically go non verbal around people I am not comfortable with (i NEVER approach new people myself) and small talk is the devil i cannot do it. If I try to force myself at best I start stuttering badly 💀. I'm not too bothered by it, it's just frustrating. The only exception i'm fine 'approaching' is to talk to them is online/through writing as it puts concerns about reading social queues out the window.

However the 100 side of it, people that approach me and engage in topics i actually like... as well as people close to me, I'm the opposite, I have to have meaningful discussions and love to share ideas with people! It's like I do a complete 180! People oftentimes mistake me as being very confident if they catch me like this and dont know me very well but I think it's just because I'm moreso passionate and fixate a lot.

At my worst I become extremely avoidant and shut in, typically to be able to get out of my room I need someone I'm friends or close with that can drive me out or stay with me, otherwise I panic. (That includes ignoring basic needs, i will ignore them if i feel threatened) but so long as I have people close to me around I feel far more confident in being able to mask (for me its not always a bad thing if it helps me to be productive/actually stay alive). I cannot stand to be touched by others unless I'm expecting it but even then I'm still sensitive, but I am okay with touching others! Exihibit A! I love pampering friends and get compliments on my massages!!!! Do not do the same to me the devil takes over my body and I cannot control spasms i am not laughing of joy I am on the verge of a breakdown!!!!

As for specific hobbies: I like drawing/painting and sculpting! I LOVE board and tabletop games, chess, card games like blackjack. I like anything to do with watersports. I love to swim! Reading and writing is obviously a big one too and my most recent interest is learning to bake! (Because im dogshit at cooking)

I hope thats enough and that I did everythjng!!! Hope you have a lovely day!!!!

Note: I am not really sure what no binary pronouns use, I asked google and said that go by they, if it doesn’t go by they I am terribly sorry and please tell me if I did it wrong! Also have a nice day you too anon! 💝

And also I am so sorry If I skipped something 😞

I match you wiiith🥁🥁🥁…

Galatea and Emil!

Galatea:

The moment she heard that you like sculpting, she immediately wanted to know more about you!

Even chess?? THATS AMAZING !! She loves playing chess too!!

She was so scared to talk to you thought, she didn’t know how to start a conversation.

Wow she finally spoke to you! But it was in a match while you were chaired and Galatea was just staring at you a little creepy.. That made you uncomfortable and you looked away ‘when will I get sent back to the manor.’ You thought.

,,Your eyes are… pretty..’’ she quietly and softly said.

That caught you off guard and you looked back at her.

,,O-oh thank you! Uh your e- I mean your sculpture is nice!’’ ‘Oh nahh💀💀 why did I say this😭’

She looked confused at the Little rock of clay but smiled.

,,Thank you.. Can I.. talk to you more?’’

You nodded and smiled again.

,,M-maybe play some c-chess with me..?’’ She quietly spoke.

,,I’m sorry what did you say?’’

,,Nothing!’’ Her face was now hidden and you could only see the back of the wheelchair.

She was blushing, which left you confused.

,,Uh can we meet-‘’ But suddenly the rocket chair started spinning which you flew back to the manor, but before you flew she said more loudly: ,,Meet me a-after the match!!’’ ,,OK!’’

When both of you started dating she made you little sculptures of hearts or cute things you like.

BOTH OF YOU MAKING SCULPTURES <333

Walks! When the both of you aren’t in a match you would push the wheelchair while Galatea is on it around the manor. Usually Galatea starts the conversations because she knew that you really couldn’t start one. Such a nice and supportive gf 🫶

Give her a surprise kiss on her cheek and she’s blushing.

Emil

Oh this sweet little guy.

Another awkward shy introvert😭

To the moment he saw you , he felt funny in his stomach. And he could feel his cheeks red.

Would try to start a conversation with you.

But if you tried you would be a stuttering mess, really nervous too because of how much you stuttered.

He doesn’t find it funny tho, in fact he finds it cute. He would chuckle a little, but when he saw your face like it was about to cry he immediately stopped and looked at you in worry.

,,I-I am s-so sorry for laughing! I didn’t m-meant to , i-it’s not that I promise!’’ Okay he accidentally held your hands without noticing. Man was panicking 😭

Now both of you looked like a couple.

You started feeling more nervous at the sudden contact, which he realised too, quickly stopped holding your hands and running away none stop saying ‘I’m so sorry!’ Man it was sure something😭😭

Next day he came to apologise and said that he will never do it again.

This man is so sweet bro.. and respectful too..

He found himself getting more and more comfortable by the time.

But not too comfortable because he would blush sometimes, trying to hide his face while you were looking at him confused.

When both of you were finally dating he would get more protective, not obsessive! He is just worried about you getting hurt!

When people misgender you, he would confidently say: ,,If you didn’t know Y/N is not comfortable calling them he or she!’’

Ur biggest support!

Always asks you if you’re okay with it before he hugs you or kisses you!

When you’re feeling down and don’t want to talk to anyone he would slide down a letter under your door and leave.

There is written how much he loves you, that the others are just jerks and a bunch of more praises and nice things written. And he finished with a ‘please talk to me later, I am worried’.

If you kiss him or hug him he would have the biggest smile on his face with red face.

Best bf material😻

[chipsncookies]

It looks like you've already entered the new year. I'm currently making my rounds to thank lovely creators such as you for their content giving me comfort and strength throughout this year.

The majority of this year has been difficult. But I could always count on your tumblr and twitter to get a small dose of comfort to feel better again and to try once more tackle things with your art and the big reblogs and retweets. But especially your art and artstyle and attention to detail has a small space in my heart. Years ago I've tried to become an artist myself and I've always remained traditional in this times. I was forced and pressured out of drawing and just picking up a pencil now fills me with frustration... but your art especially all your traditional stuff helps me finally making peace with my past. I might have never become the artist I wanted to be but I've tried, and seeing someone still tackling art traditionally is very comforting in this age were everyone went digital...

I started following you thanks to Submas but all your other content is lovely as well. I got reminded how much I love AA and grew to appreciate Archie even more.

I'm looking forward to your content in 2023 and I know it keeps giving me comfort and strength whenever I need it.

Keep up the good work and take care! May 2023 bring you lots of creativity and energy to tackle all the things you wanna do!

Take care!

Awww anon this ask warms my heart 🥺💖 I'm so happy i was able to give you some comfort through my art. Truthfully i was also struggling irl last year but drawing and immersing myself with fandom activities cheered me up and gave me strength to move on, so we're in similar condition!

I'm also happy that my traditional art helps you feel better because actually for the longest time i also felt insecure about my traditional art, i thought my art would be way better if i could make more digital drawings. i posted about it here before and the responses quickly changed my mind (if you followed me you might have seen it, but i just want to point out that many people are supportive of traditional art! Sharing here for other people too in case they also feel discouraged im not tooting my own horn i swear)

Thank you for the very nice message, I've went through a lot this year and i think I've grown both as an artist and as a person. I'm still scared of what the future holds but im hopeful that good things will come in 2023. I hope you'll also have a good year, and have the strength and tenacity to face whatever may come.

Thank you again for your support!! 💖💖💖🥹🥹

[twisted-lies]

hii ! can i get a kin match up? your turn to die, genshin impact, and deltarune? ^^

- im usually shy and pretty quiet, sometimes i panic when there's too many people or when someone I don't know is talking to me. plus i can get easily overwhelmed and exhausted after socializing too much or school BUT i am usually open, talkative and playful around my friends! i just prefer hanging out with friends online rather than outdoors but i dont mind going outside from time to time if i feel better. i love to play games, watch anime, daydream, and talking to my friends! it gives me a major energy boost!

- i hate it when my friends come over to my house without any announcement since that makes me feel frustrated and anxious about everything. im also the type to accept an invitation then regret it afterwards. but i like paying for their food from time to time

- but im always worried how other people would think of me (especially friends) since im scared of disappointing them and tend to isolate myself when it gets rough or if my mind overpowered me and i overthink. plus i am really scared being in a group project because of people having epxectations on me doing my part well so i prefer solo unless it's a tough assignment. i also value good relationship between everyone around me and dont want to make things too awkward (unless they did smth bad). and i can usually tell when someone is distant or not in the mood, if they're my friend, I'd usually leave them alone, give them a hug, or ask what's wrong

- other than that, i like to meow and bark alot and biting my friends for fun. my friend told me im mature because how i talk and know things. i always try my best to be more understanding and comfort, but im pretty bad at comforting bc i have trouble with sympathy and empathy, and dont really know how to say thank you or apologize properly since im a lil awkward with that (+ being appreciated by other ppl)

- there are times where i would feel easily irritated and avoid my friends or anyonw bc i fear i might explode infront of them by accident! ^^; (just realized i mentioned friends multiple times hehdhe, i just love my friends)

Hello there Anon! Of course you can! I struggled a bit with the Deltarune matchups so take those with a grain of salt, honestly, because I don't remember the game all that well ^^; but I hope you're satisfied with your results anyways!!

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Kanna Kizuchi

Firstly I thought of Kanna Kizuchi! She's more timid and shy, but she's also not afraid to speak her mind. She's very self conscious and looks down on herself and ends up caring a lot what others think of her. She tries her best to be helpful if she can be. She's different around her friends, mainly noticeable when she's around Shin Tsukimi. She's a little more childish. She tries her best to get alone with everyone.

Tia Safalin

Secondly I thought of Tia Safalin! She is absolutely more shy and quiet. She often stutters and can easily get overwhelmed in social situations. She prefers to stick to herself and know whats going on and when. So basically no unannounced arrivals. She doesn't like to disappoint others and often is found helping out the others in a small way. Even if she's not really on their side. Tries to remain more neutral from what I remember.

Anzu Kinashi

Lastly I thought of Anzu Kinashi! While she's more of the bubbly or airheaded type there's definitely still some resemblances. She's talkative and playful, though accidentally can say something rude without realizing. In stressful situations she's the complete opposite. Often shutting down and getting overwhelmed easily. She's somewhat insecure and can jump to conclusions if she thinks someones judging her. Needless to say she cares what others think of her. Of course she sometimes still has a nervous or anxious demeanor as well, she's not always bubbly. She tries her best to comfort people as well and get along with them.

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Gorou

Firstly I thought of Gorou! Definitely more shy and quiet when he's around people he doesn't know and he can easily get intimidated or overwhelmed by others and it can also drain him sometimes. A prime example of this being with Yae Miko. He's definitely more talkative around friends though! Like with the traveler or Sagonomiya Kokomi. He's not fond of unexpected things happening, more like to plan ahead or have a schedule. He also holds himself to a higher standard, being a general and all, so he can also somewhat care about how others see him. He doesn't like letting people down either. If anyone's upset he'll try his best to help him, even if he might not be the best at it. He's also a dogboy so like. Bark.

Barbara

Secondly I thought of Barbara! She can be pretty shy at times despite working at the cathedral. Sometimes people will crowd her and she can feel pretty overwhelmed and drained afterwards. She really loves being around people she's close to though! When she's around the traveler she's usually pretty bubbly and outgoing. Or around friends in general. She doesn't like disappointing people and usually cares somewhat about how others perceive her. She doesn't like to hurt anyones feelings either and would rather stay on good terms with everyone if she can.

Sucrose

Lastly I thought of Sucrose! She's absolutely more shy and quiet. She panics in more social situations, tending to not go to them if she can help them or if she does usually isn't fond of them. Needless to say being around others drains her unless she's friends with them. Like with Albedo or the Traveler. She's self conscious about herself as well so I'm sure she cares somewhat about what others think of her.

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Ralsei

Firstly I thought of Ralsei! They're generally pretty shy and quiet. Conversation with people he doesn't know or riskier situations seem to drain him or even cause him to panic a bit from what I remember? Absolutely adores his friends and is a little less shy and anxious around them! Always tries to help them when he can.

Noelle

Secondly I thought of Noelle! Like Ralsei she's more shy and quiet. She's rather kind towards other people and tries to help out her friends if she can. She seems to worry how other people think of her, especially Susie. She seems to get easily overwhelmed, too.

Kris

Lastly I thought of Kris! Literally does not speak, definition of introvert to be honest. He tries to support those around them and help them for the most part, but they seem like they can get under their skin sometimes too. Idk he was more of a last thought.

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[dumbbitchfrommars]

12am and i cant sleep.

its been so hard adjusting to all the change. it was unexpected, and i got used to something and didnt realise how that momentum would just disappear and how uncomfortable i would be about that.

i think i got used to the chaos of being a student. now i feel stuck, and im doubting myself. im really, really questioning.

but somehow i was blessed with a really wonderful man amidst it all?

doubt/fear/self criticism. its confusing me... i havent properly cried in so long. ive just gotten a bit too comfortable with the subtle, constant voice in my head putting me down for every little mistake and unmet expectation.

i am a good writer. i missed writing, really writing. i got so lazy. i feel so lazy, all the time. like im never quite putting in 100%, but if i did, i know id be able to achieve so much. id be so successful - probably at anything i put my mind into.

instead im so afraid of failing or being disappointed that i barely try at all.

my confidence is thin... i wonder if people can see through my facade?

im so ashamed and angry at myself for losing my temper today. it completely derailed the rest of my day. i feel terrible. i deserved to get in trouble today. it was my karma for being impatient, and mean, and angry. life is not that serious. nothing is worth that kind of anger. no stranger deserves that kind of anger...

im so tired but the coffee that i knew would throw me off is keeping me up. i was shaking for half the day today! i genuinely helped so many people but i also feel judged, criticised and under appreciated. i am not rostered again for this entire week.

work is not worth this frustration and anger and hurt. ive exhausted myself analysing the situation and its done. but, what is left if not that? what do i worry about instead? how others might judge me for dating this guy? or how my car is stuck in a carpark tonight and might be towed away by the morning? or, that i have $40 to my name right now with multiple trips interstate planned in the next few months? money doesnt matter. it never really mattered and is the least of my problems, and yet it floats back to me constantly like a persistent fly. i got bit on the fucking face by a mosquito!

but being hugged like that healed something in me. it was the most comforting hug ive had in so, so long. i could cry just thinking about feeling that way all the time. so warm and safe and protected and loved.

its nice to feel like i can be a shy girl again. like i dont have to pretend to be confident all the time, cause someone else is already, and hes ready to take the lead for me. so i can let my guards down and just be my self and not worry about scaring him off or making him insecure. and i like the way he tells me things. like he really shows me, and gets me to visualise what hes trying to explain. and i like how he rubbed my knee when i said i wasnt listening to him for one second. and i like how he kinda just decided for me that were hanging out again tomorrow. and i like how he asked "are you okay" when i got all anxious and made me laugh at myself instead of being awkward. how did he do that? he helped me not overthink by making a sweet joke and i could laugh. and my critical side is non existent when im with him, cause hes so confident in himself. hes so man. and i actually like him. i like talking to him, i like his personality, im drawn to him, i think hes attractive. i mean, he has odd style but it suits him. and he has some opinions that i disagree with but they arent dealbreakers. and hes such a boyyyy like hes so masculine man like wow they really do exist. all i had to do was look in a different place to my own. I KNEW IT TOO. i knew i liked them a little rough around the edges. ugh. okay. i think thats enough fawning over him now.

i wonder when we'll finally kiss. i dont think im ready yet... im scared of rushing and getting hurt again. i think he can tell and thats why hes been so slow and gentle with me. is crazy, isnt it? i seem so confident and attractive and cool from the outside. i feel like everyone profiles me as having so much handed to me. but its honestly so scary and hard to try do relationships and friendships. ive been hurt so much and im so so sensitive. but maybe i seem strong and like my walls are up or something, so people think im indestructible. but secretly im so soft and fragile and i need time. and i feel like hes giving me that time? like i dont think ive ever gone this long talking to a guy. i havent hung out with a guy 3 times without kissing once. thats a lie... but its also true, cause the taurus i always just expected it to not be romantic. i dont think i ever really saw us being in a relationship. but i can see myself with the scorpio. so its even a shock just for me, to see how seriously im taking this by not rushing. i want everything to be special and the right timing. i even want to meet his family and friends. and my sister really likes him. thats how i know hes good for me. because shes never wrong about people. could this be why i had such a trainwreck day today? did i receive some kind of evil eye the other night? but...who...? everyone seemed so sweet and happy and lovely. maybe its just a bad day and i shouldnt overthink it.

ugh.

its fucking freezing cold and now its past 1am. ugh.

i would love another one of those hugs, please. it was so lovely and nice and ugh. holy shit. i really like him!

[sootcore]

vent post

i wanna be in love again so fucking bad dude. I wish I didnt have so many obvious insecurities. Also like, i’m really scared that I genuinely cannot experience attraction or have someone be attracted to me. I can’t even hold a conversation with my friends without getting scared or frustrated or tired, and I miss when I could spend all day with someone instead of being irritated after a two hour call. How am I gonna make someone happy when I can’t even do that? I don’t think I really bring enough to the table to ever really be liked, and i’m much too distant from anyone to even try. I don’t even know how to make new friends anymore, let alone keep up conversations and let the hell alone form a romantic bond with someone. God, i’m gonna be 26 next month and it feels like i’m leagues behind as a person, and with as supposedly traumatized as I am; which I can barely bring myself to believe, i’m really scared i’m gonna drive myself into total isolation by the time i’m thirty. I’m really scared, and what really scares me is that i dont even feel like im fixing it, like im barely trying. Is this being nonverbal? Am I just like? sociopathic? is this agoraphobia? avoidance? Dude I just wanna feel safe with people without having to go and create a safe space for myself. I wish I didn’t feel like some enormous misplaced monster everyone’s putting up with, I wanna be fuxking normal so damn bad. I wanna be normal and live a normal life and not think all damn day about how there’s something wrong with me and i’m nervous and constantly irritated. Who could ever even like that? Who could really want that? And god that and there’s not much to physically like about me. I hate that I expect to be last choice. I hate being told “i would have asked you out but i went with them instead” and its always someone who’s infinitely fucking meaner than me. Either that or my thoughts are just really warped and I don’t notice how awful I am as a person, im sure im barely aware anyway. I drove everyone away and now I deserve to suffer for it, so I think this is all a hell of my own creation. I really just want a fucking hug and to cry with someone for a little while and to feel like a person again. I feel like i lost so much of myself and everything i used to love just feels empty and stupid to care about. I wish i was worth more and I just wasnt so goddamn embarrassing and wrong.

[everything-i-couldnt-tell-u]

it's just that, i wanted to do so much for you

i could listen to you rant everyday, i would create so many cards and hand crafted gifts for you

i wanna be the kind of person who can comfort you, i wanna be your biggest fan and the one who has memorized everything about you

i want to be the person you'll remember that would always love you, the kind of person who will always find a way to love every version of you no matter how much you change

i always wanna figure out how i could possibly make you smile, how i could possibly make every part of you feel loved

whenever i see something i love, i would always wanna find out how i could associate and share it with you

i have spent an unreasonable amount of my time in loving you and i would've stupidly spent much more in trying to love you harder

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those might be nothing cause i got no idea if i have ever even succeeded in doing them for you

most of all, i think the biggest thing i've always wanted to do for you is to love you in the way you want and need to be loved. i don't really care about all the ways i could possibly love you. it won't be enough to love someone in my love language if i can't give them what they actually prefer. if you'd ask me to do something for you or tell me how you want me to love you, i would honestly do it. i know there would be things i can't do but i know that i would keep trying until i figure out how to give it to you. i would've tried and played along with anything. if you asked me to worship you because it would make you happy, i might actually end up doing it.

right from the start when i realized i had feelings for you, the entire time i've been with you, i've been loving you in that very way. but i don't know if you'd ever do the same for me, that's why i've always been so scared of this all.

-------

i got so hurt whenever you said and did stuff that could possibly make my insecure ass feel like i'm not worth much to you to be someone you would do that much for. that's why i was constantly comparing myself to everyone else you talk to and why i kept getting paranoid. that's why you'd have me asking you a lot about what i mean to you and what you plan to do to me.

whenever i talked about this comfort i so badly needed, yeah i think i was talking about wanting to feel like you'd be interested in listening to me and making me feel safe to be myself around you. but i think i wasn't really hurt over how i couldn't have someone who would listen to me and make me feel safe. what i went paranoid over was how i must've thought that i'm not worth much to you that's why you couldn't give me that comfort. i didn't resent you for being bad at listening, i was just so frustrated with how it felt like i might not interesting enough to you no matter how hard i'll try that's why you always had nothing to say.

i guess i loved you too much and so it's hard for my stupid ass to accept that you might only be able to love me back to a certain point. i'm not saying that your love isn't enough cause god i know you have loved me so much, more than anyone has ever done and maybe more than what i deserve.

i dont know maybe it's just unlucky that you can't love me in the way i need to be loved the most? maybe it makes me sad seeing how much love you've already given me and how much more i'm willing to love you, but it seems like both might not be able to go any further because of that thing that can't be fulfilled?

i have no idea why i loved you so seriously and now look at what i did to myself.

----------

hell i'm sorry that i've been so sensitive to stuff you did. i know i overreacted a lot and held grudges too much. i'm just really sensitive to them cause i would never do those things to you. i would never make you look bad in front of other people, i would've never cursed you just because im caught up with my anger, i would've never told you that i'd do stuff for you that i won't actually do that would confuse you, i would've never done things recklessly, and i've always put so much consideration in what i say and do to you. yeah that's why i was hurt so much when those happened to me.

i'm sorry for all the things i've done due to that hurt i felt. i'm sorry for avoiding you, for doubting you, and in all the ways i may have hurt you too.

------------

i'm not sure why i was so frustrated over that? maybe i'm not ready to accept that maybe this is only how far i'd be able to love you? maybe it was my mistake, maybe a part of might have gotten the wrong idea and thought that you could love me like a romantic partner? maybe i gave too much of myself into this but now that i can't get back what i need, it's become so hard for me?

maybe it's because you always told me that you love me that's why i got all foolish and believed that maybe you'll love me back in the way i need to be loved? i don't know if this is selfish, if this was because i'm stupid and hoped for too much? but no, i don't think that i'm hurt because of how i can't get what i need. i think what actually hurt me is how i'm willing to give you anything and be anything for you, but realizing that you might not feel the same for me.

[spiritualotd]

3/23/24 i happened to take this picture at 5pm; 5 is my life path number

tarot spread: the field from Garden of Enchantment store

king of wands: R (Leadership) impulsive; ive been spending impulsively

prince of cups: R (Introspection) vanity, conflict avoidance; been feeling a little insecure lately, suppressing my emotions

three of wands: R (Vision) obstacles, delays, frustration; i took a break from spirituality and i stopped writing for awhile, i became inconsistent w my affirmations i was frustrated at myself for my laziness, there were so many mental obstacles i would feel when i was trying to be productive

the chariot: U "victory is within reach. with enough hard work and determination to move forward, overcoming conflict is possible. set intentions, stick to the plan, and channel your inner strength to conquer the challenges ahead," a journey, commitment, goals, discipline, achievement, ambition; been getting this card a lot just a reminder that everything is all part of my journey and i must continue to stay true to myself and be optimistic

nine of swords: R (Fear) fear, lack of objectivity, despair; ive been holding myself back w my inauthentic effects of wanting to grow, everything ive do has been making me nervous or i spiral myself into a negative mindset, i need to take a step back

the moon: R confusion, fear, misinterpretation, my intuition has been feeling blocked it does make me scared, i was honestly really disappointed in myself when i saw that card come out in reverse. ive been feeling disconnected w my emotions

TOP DECK: although the last cards that came out, they represent the change that i am accepting and that im moving forward

queen of swords: U (Independence) Hecate; "the Queen of Swords is strong, spirited, sharp-witted, and uses her intelligent nature to think objectively. she is open, direct, and upfront. when called upon, she is willing and able to use sound judgement to make important decisions." wisdom, intellect, confidence, frankness, impartial judgement, mental clarity; i need to tap into my introversion and independent side i must always find time and space for myself to recharge, i am confident and smart

two of disks: U (Change) "The Two of Disks serves as a reminder that ups and downs are inevitable, and they keep our lives from becoming stagnant. it often marks a turning point in a career, project, or relationship. remember that the only constant in life is change itself" balance, ebb and flow, yin and yang, natural cycles, adaptability; its okay that i went through this life complexity, ups and downs are very normal and the cycle of it helps me become more adaptable to change.

six of swords: U (Transition) "In a state of transition, familiarities are left behind to make room for the unknown. while it may be difficult to let go, remember that what is lost or released will be replaced w a positive change. there is hope on the horizon." personal transformation, mental shift, baggage, expanding, letting go; i am still going through a transformation, there are new things whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally i must allow it to help expand myself to bring me to my higher self. its always very difficult to let go of an aspect of yourself, alas it is all part of change :) <3

Oracle decks (in order): Vintage Wisdom, Whispers of Love, Mystical Journey

V.W: New Beginnings

V.W: Abundance

W.L: (50) Consider your Foundation

W.L: (13) Miracles and Blessings

W.L: (9) Slow Down

W.L: (30) True Love

W.L: (31) Love Makes the Difference

M.J: (14) Resistance

M.J: (13) Authenticity

M.J: (18) Universal Mother

M.J: (26) Sanctuary

M.J: (6) Healing Hands