#which speaks to the problems ive had in the past where people have expressed interest in me

[arrow-guy]

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[yesimwriting]

playing vices

“A/n a blurb bc ive been working on my novel and ive missed writing for Kirigan :))

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I am a fool that has played into her vices enough to make them addictions. That must have been Kirigan's plan. He knows that I don't agree with his methods. He is also much too aware of the fact that I am beyond attached to him. He plays into that fact often, lulling me to him whenever he feels that my conscious is in danger of driving a wedge between us.

Which is why I have become accustomed to falling asleep while running my fingers along his skin as he whispers things much sweeter than anything he would say while fully awake.

But now it's late and he's not here. I sit up, kicking the comforter off of me slightly. It seems Aleksander has been more and more absent these days. When he's not with me, the odds that he's doing something that hurts people are high. His absence is also starting to make me feel like he's losing interest in me. It would make sense considering the fact that he looked twice at me in any capacity has never seemed logical.

Maybe that's why we've never indicated commitment to each other. I don't know what commitment would be with him. He seems to grand to be considered a 'boyfriend', but there's something more than friendly about how he holds onto me. I've never cared for labels until I started feeling displaced.

"You're still awake."

I press my lips together, trying to seem a little calmer. "Couldn't sleep."

"Troubling thoughts?" The question is more weighted than it should be. Everything with him is. 

“Has anyone ever called you dramatic?” 

His lips quirk upwards, hinting at a smile. Warmth pools in my stomach, the way it always does when he lets me see the slight glimmer of light that’s still in him. Sometimes I think he only shows me this softness when he feels that I may pull away. It may be rooted in manipulative intent, but I know that it’s real. 

“Only you would have the gall,” he says, voice low yet not dark. 

Kirigan’s easiness coaxes a smile from my lips. A small one, but I can feel the way the crack in my tension feeds his confidence. He takes pride in slipping past the walls I only try to create when cautious or irritated. Today I’m both but I need to pretend like I’m neither. The more resistance he senses, the more forward and effective his advances become. 

I keep my expression neutral. I’m sure Alina could get away with calling him that. I wish she was more unlikable. It would be easier to hide my irritation if I could blame that displaced feeling in my chest on two people. But of course Alina is wonderful, beautiful, and his equal.

Whatever. It’s not like we’re really anything. Every time I see him I wait for his betrayal. There’s nothing worth using me for, and somehow that makes me feel worse. He should have never looked at me twice let alone encourage whatever strange relationship we’ve created. 

My silence seems to displease him because he approaches my bedside easily in quick yet patient strides. Now that he’s close enough to touch I feel some of the ice I managed to solidify melt. 

Kirigan lifts a hand and places it on my knee easily. I stiffen instinctually, he runs his thumb over my skin to fight my resistance. “Who’s upset you?” 

I breathe, forcing myself to ease. “No one has.” I don’t have to meet his gaze to know he doesn’t believe me. That’s the core source of our attachment, we can read each other with less than a look. “I’m just getting a headache,” not a full lie, “I’ll feel better after some sleep.” He squeezes my knee slightly, a soft way of asking me for more. “I don’t think I’ll be good company tonight.” 

His hand leaves my knee, fingertips barely grazing my thigh as he moves his hand to hold beneath my chin. I still as he turns my head so that I have no choice but to meet his gaze. “You don’t need to be good company when what I want is your presence.” 

I press my lips together to avoid melting into the promising pools of warmth that make up his irises. He spent all day with Alina, took Zoya’s side in an argument I had with her earlier this week, and now he comes to me late at night. He seems to only want to acknowledge me when we’re alone, and it’s not like I want more than that. I just don’t know how long my heart will be able to teeter the line between nothing and something. I’m a fool for having let it go on this long. 

The only problem is that his steady stare is chasing away all of my rationality. “I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone more in the mood to offer their presence.” 

My curtness leaves something behind his expression dull, the hint of a smile that was growing on him has now vanished. I am met with a stoic disposition I have never had directed at me. 

“They’re not you,” he counters, voice edged by something I don’t understand. 

That’s the point. They’re not me--I’m average. I can’t offer power and my relationship experience is basic at best. I don’t want to have this argument, not when I’m basically fighting for him to let me go when that’s not what I want. 

I’m making it easier. If it hurts this much when I was only on the cusp of something, imagine the pain I’l feel if I let it continue. I turn my head away so that he’s no longer holding my chin. “Not a bad thing.” 

“To me it is.” He doesn’t hesitate, my chest swells. His thumb brushes against my cheek, soft and comforting. “I’m tired,” he says this like it’s a confession. His admission hangs in the air for a long moment, as heavy and weighted as my heart. “If you’re angry, wait until morning.” 

Something in my heart cracks. “I’m not angry.” My gaze drops, my thoughts struggling to come together. “I’ll be nicer to deal with in the morning.” 

“Y/n,” his tone twists from distant to warning, “the last time you asked me to leave was when you discovered something you didn’t like.” 

I almost wince at the way he’s worded it. When I found out what his real plans were, I told myself I had to leave. He skirted past all of my reservations and walls, twisting my doubt away through coddling whispers and shy brushes of fingers.

“This isn’t like that.” Not a lie. 

He exhales slowly, the sound dangerously sharp. “Then what is it?” 

“Why did you come here so late?” The question leaves me too sharply. I’m exposing too much but I can’t help it. “If you don’t want to answer, that’s fine.” My voice is flat. “I’m sure Alina will be happy to fill me in.” I can’t bring myself to take in his reaction. “And if she can’t, I’m sure Zoya will be able to.” 

He’s silent for a long second. “Unwarranted jealousy doesn’t suit you.” 

His confidence sparks something angry within me.  “I am not jealous.” The most blatant lie of the night, but I don’t care. I turn my head to glare at him, “and don’t just tact on ‘unwarranted’ before something that’s true just because it’s easier for it not to be.” 

I watch his expression cautiously until the slightest tilt of his lips adds to my anger. He’s enjoying this or he did this intentionally or both. “Darling,” he hums, voice soft, “you are the only person that makes me feel peace.” 

My stomach flutters, the sensation threatening to break my weak resolve. “I am not particularly powerful,” I breathe, voice stiff, “or particularly...” How do I explain this all to him? “Anything.” He’s everything, and I am nothing but average. “I’m average at best, there’s no reason for you to want anything to do with me, and that’s fine--but don’t lie and pretend that that’s not true.” 

The sentence is barely out fo my mouth before I feel myself pulled towards him by the collar of my nightgown. His lips are on mine before I can question where this is going. I kiss him back too quickly, but any effort I expend is returned fervently.

He pushes me back slightly as quickly as he yanked me forward. He doesn’t explain. I don’t ask him to. I should demand an answer and shove him away from me or pull him back towards me. But I do nothing. I just stare at him as he stares at me. 

When the weight of the silence threatens to break something in me, I force myself to speak, “Kirigan--”

“Aleksander.” The name is soft and so fragile I worry it will shatter in the air before it can fully reach me. “You know there’s much I’m not ready to say, but that,” he exhales, the sound so sad I want to reach for him, “that is the one name I have not given to myself and I want you to have it.” Something conflicted crosses his features. “I would never give that to someone average.” 

Emotion swells in my chest, heavy yet not painful. “Aleksander.” I’m not sure if I’m trying to call to him or if I’m just trying to feel his name--his true name--on my lips. 

His eyes widen, something unbearable behind them. He moves the hand holding the collar of my nightgown to my cheek. I lean into the contact like a fool as his eyes flutter shut. “Say it again.” 

I don’t hesitate, “Aleksander.” I lift my hand, fingers hesitant to find their place on his cheek. “Aleksander.”

He sighs into both the contact and the name. “You’re the first thing I’ve allowed myself to want,” his eyes open, but I cannot bring myself to meet his gaze, “I should make you feel like it.”

Something about the way he says that is sad. “I think that if it’s fair to say you were a little distant, it’s just as fair to say that I was a little jealous.” 

Aleksander smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m tired,” he admits, “I’ll enjoy my victory in the morning.” 

I roll my eyes, but scoot over to give him a place by my side regardless. “I’m not sure you won, I think it was more of a draw.” 

He takes the space I offer quickly, never letting the contact between us disappear as he settles himself against my pillow. I let him pull me towards him. “This feels like a victory.” 

I try to ignore the warmth in my chest. “You’re lucky I’m tired enough to find that endearing.” 

I relax as his fingers trace shapes I’ll never know about onto my back. “I agree.” 

[kookingtae]

falling into you (pt. 8) PREVIEW

pt 1 | pt 2 | pt 3 | pt 4 | pt 5 | pt 6 | pt 7

→scenario: Jungkook’s innocence is like a breath of fresh air in your wild life, and though you know you’re toxic for him, you just can’t seem to stay away.

→genre: college au, slow burn, mutual pining, shy/nerd jk + bad girl oc (mature themes)

→a/n: so i’m not finished with pt 8 yet, since it’s such a climactic chapter it’s taking a bit longer than i anticipated unfortunately BUT i dont want u guys to think ive forgotten about it!!! i know u all are waiting so patiently, and i cannot thank you enough from the bottom of my heart <3 i hope this preview keeps you excited for what’s to come!

Jungkook could never face Y/N again.

God, how could he, knowing that he’d not only finished in five minutes like a pubescent teenager, but also in his pants while she was on top of him?

Embarrassment didn’t even begin to describe the mortification he felt. He’d never wanted the earth to swallow him whole as much as he did in that moment. Sure, he was aware of his slight social anxiety, the way he was constantly looking to bolt from uncomfortable situations—but this was different entirely. This was new territory for him; he’d never done anything remotely sexual with someone else, period, much less with the girl who hung the stars, moon, and sun in his eyes. What was he supposed to do? There was nowhere to escape to in his own bedroom, no running away from his problems that made him uncomfortable. No, he had to stand there with his head down and his crotch dripping wet while he practically begged her to leave. He had never been so ashamed of himself. He had never felt so pathetic.

But then Y/N surprised him like she never failed to do: she’d given him reassurance, another kiss even, while telling him that she actually enjoyed the experience—went so far as to say it was the best in her life. Now he knew she was lying to spare his feelings. Of all the men Y/N had been with, there was no way a virgin cumming untouched in his pants was the best of them. She was cruel to make him believe otherwise, to give him false hope.

He wouldn’t allow himself to think any differently. He couldn’t allow himself to get hurt.

Which was why he made it his mission to avoid her at all costs—something he’d gotten very good at over the past few months, and the past few weeks, specifically.

But in the same way he’d learned from the patterns of her daily routine and used them as a means to remain hidden, she’d also learned his and utilized them to her advantage as well. It was the only explanation as to how he was turning a corner inside the art building (about to take the rear exit, since she usually waited for him out front) and suddenly she was standing right in front of him.

He instantly skidded to a halt, heart rate shooting to astronomical levels and eyes widening on their own accord. “Y-Y/N,” he stuttered out involuntarily, the sight of her causing every single detail of their time spent together to come rushing back to him like a tidal wave ready to wipe him out.

As if he needed another excuse to think about the moment they shared that had changed him forever, about the way her moans sounded in his ear and her body felt on his lap and the way she touched his cheek, his neck, the way her lips felt on his skin, god help him—

Already he could feel the beginnings of a blush start to rise to his suddenly hot cheeks, and he cleared his throat and shifted his weight from one foot to the other to keep from springing yet another boner in front of her.

He slid his books in front of his waist, just in case.

While she usually approached him with the natural ease of self-confidence and charm, today she seemed worried, unsure. She chewed at her lower lip—something he didn’t think she really ever did, as he would certainly remember the way it stirred within him—and looked up at him beneath delicate lashes that framed her eyes.

He didn’t have it in him to keep from outright staring at her beauty.

“I… I missed you,” she finally murmured, and he felt the breath physically whoosh from his lungs to join his butterfly-filled stomach all the way at the floor.

It had been a few days since he’d last seen her, since she’d been in his room that night where they opened up about their past and confessed how they truly felt about one another and shared the most life-altering moment he’d ever experienced. He missed her too, god he missed her. He missed everything about her the moment she left his side—would picture her face in his mind as soon as she left his field of vision. But for some reason unknown to him, she was too kind to him, spared his feelings despite knowing what little experience he had. There was no way he’d be able to satisfy a girl—mentally, physically, emotionally—who could have anyone she wanted. Perhaps she pitied him. Either way, if she wouldn’t put a stop to it, then he would.

Or so he’d try, but alas, nothing ever went according to his plans where Y/N was concerned. And here she was, three simple words mumbled into existence and he couldn’t even remember his own name, much less why he’d been trying to fight this.

She seemed to expect he would say nothing—either that or she’d grown used to his silence—because before he had enough sense in him to even think about responding, she was speaking again. “How have you been?”

The question was asked with deliberate, genuine curiosity and concern; she really wanted to know if he was okay, how he was handling things after what had transpired between them. And no matter how hard Jungkook tried to fight this, fight her, fight himself, he was only human.

And so he stopped fighting.

“I– I missed you too,” he breathed out, and it was like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders and relocated to his gut. He tensed at his confession, mentally berated himself for his words even though she’d been the one to say them first. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, what with the way his throat locked up.

Though the second he witnessed the smile that sprang to her tantalizing lips, he felt as light as a feather floating in the breeze.

“You did?” Her eyes lit up, sparkled under the fluorescent hallway lights that still managed to capture all of her beauty despite the unflattering lighting. He didn’t think it was possible for any scenery, not even that of a dull and stuffy university building, to make her appear any less breathtaking than she always was.

“I was so worried after I left last week,” she continued without prompt. The mention of his premature finish had him stiffening in dread, though she didn’t let enough silence fester between her words for the anxiety to claw its way up his throat. “I didn’t want you to beat yourself up. I’ve noticed you tend to be too hard on yourself sometimes.” She glanced up at him with the hint of a sheepish grin dancing on her lips.

Her expression said it all: that’s an understatement.

And this shocked him to his core, because she was absolutely right.

Just how well had she gotten to know him in their time spent together over the last few months? And how? And why?

The last question would always boggle him until the end of time; he would never understand why she was interested in him. Why was he the one she had feelings for, when she claimed she never had feelings for anybody? Though he supposed he could ask himself the same thing: why did he feel things for Y/N that he had never felt for anyone else in his life? And the answer was quite simple, really: because it was her.

He didn’t know what about himself was so special to make him stand out in her mind, and as a result he still couldn’t help but be skeptical, even after her confession. But it wasn’t like he had any choice in the matter on what to do with that skepticism—not when his heart kept leading him back to her.

At some point after her accurate description of the inner turmoil that’s been plaguing his mind, his mouth had fallen open slightly. He couldn’t hide the surprise from his face even if he tried; he was speechless.

Y/N gazed up at him, not seeming in any hurry to rush the conversation along, and for that he was grateful. He’d never met somebody so patient and understanding before—just another reason to make Jungkook’s heart flutter with endearment. And it was no secret to himself anymore that he yearned to be in Y/N’s presence for as long as possible whether he was aware of it or not.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed, you know,” she continued as if she could read his mind, and that was when he realized the way his eyes avoided hers and the fact that his skin was the color of tomatoes must’ve been dead giveaways. “I meant it when I said that was the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced.”

Jungkook balked, practically choking on his spit at her forward, shameless words. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to the way she spoke her mind so openly without any fear holding her back. She’d gone through so much in her childhood, in her life—Jungkook not even knowing the half of it, he’s sure—and yet she was still so strong and brave and everything he wasn’t. He couldn’t help but admire the person she was today, despite all the prejudice and judgment he’d held for her when they first met.

He realized now that he was too quick to judge her, to write her off based on rumors and first impressions. He realized now that he was too quick to do that to a lot of people. Just how long had he closed himself off from others based on his skewed, morally righteous perspective? His whole life, if he had to say.

The epiphany that she was physically prying open his third eye with a crowbar, that he was now self aware and changing for the better for her—for himself—hit him all at once.

It was the most frightening sensation of his life, the introvert in him wanting to crawl back into his shell where it was safe and comfortable and dull. But deep down he knew it was also for the best.

“W-why?” He heard himself asking before he knew what he was doing. “Why do you keep saying that?”

He had to know why she insisted on standing by her statement that his mishap was not only hot, but the hottest ever. Why did she insist on lying to him, on giving him false hope? She spoke her mind in every other situation, or at least that’s what he assumed; why did she insist on sparing his feelings in this incident? Was he really that pathetic? Did she pity him that much?

She simply blinked at him once, twice, before: “Because I really like you, Jungkook.”

As if in slow motion, you could visibly see his eyes expand to the size of saucers at your words.

You would’ve found the sight comical had the situation been any different. But the way he continued to disbelieve that you could have feelings for him, that you could be attracted to everything about him despite who he was, despite his inexperience—it made your heart break in your chest. You now knew from where this inferiority complex stemmed—he’d told you himself about his family situation—and if anything, it made you want to rebuild his confidence that much more. He needed to see himself the way you saw him.

But you also didn’t want to overwhelm him, either. And you were more than willing to walk that fine line with Jungkook no matter how long it took.

“So are we on for a study sesh tonight?” You continued nonchalantly, wanting to return things to normalcy for him as much as possible before he ran away mid-conversation as he’d done so many times before. You wanted to ease his self-doubt so he’d stop avoiding you—like he’d been doing the past few days—as much as possible.

Jungkook blinked as if trying to adjust from the whiplash of your subject-change. “U–uh… if you want?”

“Of course I want to,” you replied without missing a beat, not caring how desperate you seemed so long as he didn’t question where you stood. You took a step forward, unable to help the intangible, magnetic draw you felt to him as you gazed up at him beneath your lashes. “That is… if you want to.”

You watched in agony as a gulp slowly raked its way down his throat.

“I–” his voice was hoarse before he cleared his throat. “I uh, can’t tonight. I have to study for math.”

You weren’t even sure how one studied for math, but you weren’t about to question the expert. “That’s fine! We could… do it tomorrow?”

Jungkook chewed at his bottom lip, an action he always did when he was internally struggling with something before he finally nodded his head yes in a slow, hesitant manner. “N–not in my room though,” he added as an afterthought, and when your gaze snapped to his he had a pleading expression in his eyes.

A mix of emotions rolled through you. On one hand, you were horrified at the possibility that he thought the only reason you wanted to study again was so that you could get in his pants. Which—okay, you’re not going to lie, you would love to have a repeat of last week—but that definitely wasn’t why you wanted to see him. He meant more to you than just a means to get off, which was what you’d thought of flings in the past. You didn’t want him to be just a fling, though.

You didn’t want to think of the meaning behind that fact right now, either.

But on another hand, you understood where Jungkook was coming from. Maybe it was because you’d studied him enough over the past few months to learn some of his behavior (for once you finally saw the appeal of studying), so you knew that level of intimacy was probably extremely overwhelming for Jungkook and he needed a moment to step back. Hell, it was even overwhelming for you, and that was saying something. Never had your senses, your heart, your body, your soul been attacked like that with such an abundance of emotional pleasure, and you hoped with all your might that Jungkook was feeling the same—that that was the reason he needed a breather from being alone with you, and not the fact that he just didn’t want to be intimate with you.

Unless…

Oh god, had you misread the situation entirely? Had Jungkook hated everything about that night?

Suddenly you were feeling sick to your stomach. The thought of you misunderstanding his confession—or worse, him changing his mind completely—made you want to escape to a dark and desolate stairwell and cry in the hidden nooks of the windowsill again; the irony that not only would you be pulling a Jungkook by escaping mid-conversation, but that the stairwell was also the place the two of you had your first real conversation, wasn’t lost on you.

“M–my roommate is staying in, studying for finals.” The sound of Jungkook’s voice was like a breath of fresh air whooshing into your lungs after almost drowning underwater. You blinked out of your inner turmoil, focusing on him. “So he’ll be there, i–in my room, this whole week.”

And suddenly your heart was warming with relief, hope, appreciation, like flowers blooming in the spring after a torrential downpour. Just when you thought you had him figured out, this enigma of a boy continued to surprise you. It was usually easy for you to hide your emotions—you’d been doing so for years, always wore a mask around others so that they couldn’t see the real you—and yet somehow, Jungkook must’ve sensed them anyway. He sensed the doubt, the pain, the fear that you vowed never to cage you crawling up your throat and threatening to consume you whole, and he eased it. He didn’t want you to misunderstand him. He wanted to reassure you.

If anything, that was just a testament to how Jungkook had broken down your walls—how much you had let him in, how well he was able to read the emotions you wanted to keep hidden. Your mask had begun to break, the real you showing through the cracks, and Jungkook was still standing here. He hadn’t run away.

You fought the urge to grab him and slam your lips onto his.

“Not in your room, then,” is all you managed to breathe out beneath a fluttering smile.

[night-unfurls-its-splendour]

The Critique of Manners Part IV

~Or~

A Very Amused Review of Emma (1972)

One doesn’t really know where to begin with this one. I’ve watched a few of these 70’s/80’s period drama adaptations, but I’ve never written a review for one. I think the tricky thing is it doesn’t feel fair to judge them against more recent adaptations because the approach and quality are so very different to modern television making.

But people do. I’m sure it’s different for people who grew up watching these, who are just used to them and their objectively terrible, stagey quality and can look past that particular weakness on the sheer power of nostalgia.

So I’m going to try and find a middle-ground here where I ignore the stagey and obviously dated aspects and judge it primarily on its value as an adaptation – is it faithful to the book?

Let’s dive in.

Cast & Characterization

Normally I would start with Emma and Knightley but this time I’m gonna switch it up a bit and do them last because… well we’ll get there in a bit.

Let’s start instead with Mr. Woodhouse. I have to say, I kind of like this take. The 1996-7 and 2009 adaptations all kind of went for the same type of older man: a bit stout, or in Michael Gambon’s case… however you would describe Michael Gambon. With Donald Eccles, however, this version goes for a rather more frail looking Mr. Woodhouse; in fact to compare him to any recent Mr. Woodhouse, I suppose he comes closest to Bill Nighy (although the general characterization is of course very different.)  He’s a ridiculous but lovable soul who seems always, of course, worried about his own health and comfort, but in his own selfish way, concerned for his friends and family as well. My only complaint is that maybe they over-utilized him.

I thought the casting of a plump Mrs. Weston (Ellen Dryden) was an interesting choice, and definitely different from other versions. Her acting was actually really good too.

I wasn’t quite so pleased with the characterization of Mr. Weston, on the other hand. I have huge issues with this script vis-à-vis the men, but Mr. Weston and Knightley in particular. The problem with Mr. Weston is how he’s written as just verging on uncouth at some points. There are way too many rustic contractions here: “Ain’t I looking well too, Miss Emma?!’ “’Ark at that eh? The sly young rogue!” “Oh I think it looks tolerably gay and festive, don’t it?” and then just throwing himself back on the grass and chortling when Emma makes her fateful Box Hill faux pas? Like, what the hell? I’m not saying he shouldn’t use a few casual contractions (“How d’you do?” for example) but he seems almost like a positive country bumpkin and I don’t think it’s appropriate; he doesn’t talk like that in the book and I’m just all-around not here for it.

Constance Chapman, a well-respected character actress of the time was cast as Miss Bates, while Molly Sugden, of Are You Being Served? fame was WASTED in the bit-part of Mrs. Goddard. If you ask me, they should have swapped this casting, since I think Sugden, an outstanding comedienne, could have done so much more with the Miss Bates role than the usual wittery-old-lady style chattering Chapman delivered.

Mr. Elton was played by Timothy Peters (Right) and was, eh, adequate. They did slime him up a bit by having him over-eagerly offer to fix Emma’s bootlace, which she points out isn’t entirely appropriate for a man to do, especially the vicar and it’s pretty funny; but other than that, he has all the appearance of being a pleasant young man, as Mr. Elton should – becoming less pleasant as the story progresses.

One John Alkin (left) played Mr. Robert Martin, and he, too, was adequate. There’s not much of him and, since Mr. Martin wasn’t one of those characters this version decided to approach more three-dimensionally, there’s not much to say about him. 

Frank Churchill is… OMG IT’S PRINCE HARRY FROM BLACKADDER!

Ahem. Yes, Robert East (BETTER KNOWN AS PRINCE HARRY FROM BLACKADDER) plays a very agreeable (and smarmy, but not too smarmy) Frank. I think honestly this is as good as this part could get in the 70’s, although at 29 he was a little too old for the part.

John and Isabella, in an interesting (?) casting choice, were played by brother and sister duo, Yves and Belinda Tighe. I actually really liked Yves’s John Knightley (he’s actually one of the more handsome John’s, in a 70’s kind of way; for note-taking purposes I have nicknamed him “Not-Harrison-Ford”), but his sister as Isabella seemed kind of old and had just a really annoying voice. Also she doesn’t look at all like Doran Godwin, and Emma and Isabella are supposed to look somewhat alike.

The real casting stand out for me in this version is Fiona Walker as Mrs. Elton, although she too was a little old for her role, I’ve said before that there are no bad Mrs. Eltons (only bad accents) and she just absolutely nailed the insufferable chatter to a definitive standard (until the recent adaptations – 2009 onward).

I did however, get the feeling in this version that they kind of wrote in a through-line where Mrs. Elton is putting the moves on Mr. Knightley (to the point where they actually wrote out Mr. Elton from scenes he should be in) which was one of those unnecessary deviations which made me raise an eyebrow and also was just… weird.

Now my question is – why do all of the young women in this series kind of look like evil dolls?

Debbie Bowen, from a strictly book accuracy perspective is one of the most accurate Harriet Smiths I’ve seen – in fact we don’t get another this accurate (to my way of thinking) until Louise Dylan in 2009, who fits roughly the same model (fair and shapely). Its Bowen’s acting I don’t like, but I know that in the 70’s, this kind of simpering acting for this kind of character was just unavoidable. It was the style at the time, so I’m cutting her a break critically; but the performance just doesn’t cut it for me.

This Jane Fairfax (played by Ania Marson) is not my favorite interpretation of this character. At first I thought she was going to be alright, but in her first scene she bursts out and actually shouts in frustration at her chattering aunt (which she has some basis for, I’ll admit, since Miss Bates, in her muddle-headed way, could very well have unwittingly spilled the beans about Jane and Frank) but this is far more feeling than we should even have a hint of from Jane at this point. The whole reason Emma doesn’t like Jane (other than the fact that Emma is an attention whore and Jane steals her thunder by being so admired and accomplished) is because she’s timid and demure and reserved.

But the biggest problem I have with this Jane is that she can’t even fucking sing. I know they write it away as her having a sore throat (Which I think is a pull from a different part of the book?) but this was just egregiously bad to me. This is the only time in the series they show Jane singing so it’s never actually established that Jane really is more accomplished than Emma (although they don’t show Emma herself singing or even playing at all either.) Could the actresses just not sing well so they decided to write around it? You could have dubbed it; you had that technology in the 70’s!

OK. Now it’s time to talk about Doran Godwin. I’ve never seen her in anything else so I don’t know if it’s just that she can’t act, but I have no idea what she was going for with this portrayal of Emma, and this is something so consistent and unique to her that I, for once, can’t justify blaming it solely on the director because you can’t direct crazy-eyes. They just happen; and they happen A LOT in this series.

I’ve struggled to find the words to sufficiently describe my feeling about Doran Godwin’s facial expressions and her acting in this adaptation. In my ribbon rating notes I think I describe her as a “witchy automaton”? I stand by it. Every time she talks to someone her eyes go very wide and she sort of looks like she’s trying to hypnotize everyone in Highbury. The effect is just absolutely inhuman. I never thought I’d ever see anyone with more patently crazed Crazy-Eyes than Timothy “Crazy-Eyes” Dalton – but man, Doran “Hypno-Witch” Godwin just stole the prize. Perhaps she escaped from the set of a Doctor Who? telling of the story where Miss Woodhouse has been replaced by an android.

You have scenes such as this in episode 2 , where Harriet is trying to get Emma to acknowledge Mr. Elton calling after them as they walk past the vicarage, and Emma ignores her by mechanically continuing to talk, looking straight ahead with laser focus. Of course, Emma is intentionally ignoring Harriet because she wants Mr. Elton to follow them, but that wasn’t quite apparent to me until the end of her ramble – which I had assumed she was forced to complete due to some directive in her programming. I have more to say on her characterization, but we’ll get to that in a dedicated section of the review.

John Carson might actually be one of the better Knightley’s, but I’m sorry – at 45 he was just too old. This is something you can play around with in other characters (Mr. Weston and Miss Bates after all, have no stated ages in the book) but not only do we know how old Mr. Knightley is in the book, they state in the show that Emma is 21 (Doran Godwin was actually 28) and that Mr. Knightley is sixteen years older than her – 37 or 38 – and John Carson is CLEARLY no 38. This obviously-over-forty appearance does have an effect on how I view his banter with Emma, and it’s more avuncular than the older-brother feel that Mr. Knightley and Emma should have.

Whether by direction or actor’s choice, Carson’s Mr. Knightley speaks in a way that just doesn’t feel period to me. He has a very sort of 20th Century, stock British, hearty-good-fellow manner, that dates this adaptation pretty badly and feels old-fashioned (but not in a Regency/Georgian way) even in the 70’s.

Sets & Surroundings

Normally at this point in the review I would talk about the British manor houses and estates used and how they measure up to the book descriptions but the publicly funded BBC ran on a much tighter budget in the 70’s (apparent in the production values and number of obviously bad takes that they just decided to leave in, in everything they made) and as such they couldn’t afford to film in and rent out large estates quite as much, so this has the trademark 70’s/80’s BBC sound-stage quality of all of their other productions of the period. That said, this production actually has some of the better sets I’ve seen and that’s saying something, for being made in the 70’s. The walls didn’t actually shake when doors were closed, and it didn’t feel as stagey as some other Austen serials of the time. (This doesn’t improve the very “on-cue” acting in the series, but I have to give credit where it’s due.) I believe they may used a real manor house for the exterior of Hartfield (and not a landscape pastel) and maybe some of the interiors too? I can’t say for sure, and I would love to tell you what house and where it is but I can’t find any credits on it. I’ll just say that I think it’s very suitable and leave it at that.

Costumes

Much like today, the BBC almost exclusively used, re-used and rented costumes for their period productions. Almost every costume in this series was also used in the 70’s and 80’s BBC productions of Sense and Sensibility, Mansfield Park, and Pride and Prejudice (P&P being the overwhelming common denominator – almost every one of Emma’s evening dresses and pelisses was seen, primarily on Caroline Bingley.) Some of the shawls have been picked out in BBC Austens as recently as 2008.

For being made in the 70’s the costumes in this production are really kind of nice. They don’t date themselves too badly. The ones that do feel 70’s retro, in fact, were mostly styles borrowed from period accurate fashions that just happened to coincide with contemporary 70’s tastes, and which aren’t often used in Regency costumes today because, well they don’t coincide with our modern tastes. For the most part, they look well-made (although some of them do have that stiff, dingy polyester look to them and there are definitely some plastic pearls here and there).

I’m quite pleased with the silhouettes which don’t suffer from Square Bust/Boob Droop syndrome the way the 1980 P&P does. All of the assets seem to be lifted and shifted in the right places.

Daywear

I like Emma’s blue day dress the best of all her day-wear looks. It’s a rich color and has pleated cups (Also on her white day dress) which is a style I really love.

Emma wears the gauzy… let’s be kind and say ivory instead of “Yellowish” ruff during the day A LOT (Emma Pic 2). It’s a popular look on Jane Fairfax too (Jane Pic 2) and I just… I don’t like it. Not that it’s not period appropriate (because it unfortunately is) it just makes them look like Dr. Seuss characters to me, especially worn with short sleeves which is something these dramas do a lot and I hate it. It just makes the person in question look very awkwardly disproportionate to me, especially because. if they had long sleeves to go with it (which would be more correct from a historical authenticity standpoint) it would even it out so much better. Compare Jane and Emma to see what I mean. The single layer ruffle (Emma Pic 1) is much more agreeable to me. (I wanna point out that Jane wears the same green dress without any partlet or undersleeves for strawberry picking at Donwell, which is blatant Eveningwear-For-Daywear™ and looked really out of place since everyone else was wearing day-appropriate attire).

Emma’s wider, cuffed, long sleeves and Mrs. Elton’s puffy segmented Renaissance sleeves are exactly what I mean about period accurate styles that suit the 70’s in a way that they just don’t jive today. Even Harriet gets some.

Mrs. Elton Orange ™ is another crayon color Crayola should consider I think.

Harriet gets stuck with a lot of brown outer wear but her day clothes are otherwise pretty nice. I especially like the ivory and blue number (Bottom right) and her white day dress with blue accents (Top right) which I think is the nicest thing she wears in this whole series. 

Evening Wear

Emma’s evening wear confines itself pretty exclusively to cool purples and blues except for her white ball gown. I find this interesting because other versions tend to dress Emma in warmer colors and pinks (As I’m very partial to purples and blues, I love all of them). I can’t say it’s inconsistent with Emma’s cold characterization in this version. Mrs. Weston’s evening gowns are uniformly amazing. I especially love her blue party dress, which is my favorite in the series.

Both of Harriet’s party dresses are characteristically pretty and girlish. The pink is a bit fussy for me but I love the blue one (which has a lot more detail but I couldn’t get a full length shot of it.)

I’m pleased that Jane is given a bit of a break from the Jane Fairfax Blue ™ trope with her evening wear. She has one light blue evening gown and gets a few green numbers, most notable being her mint ball gown. Her beige party dress is absolutely tragic though.

Mrs. Elton’s evening color seems to be chartreuse (Which I think was also the case in the ITV version? ITV fans back me up.) Her black overlay/spiky number is iconic of the Austen Bad Girl, but her ball gown is a bit disappointing in its simplicity to me.

I would love to have seen a full length shot of Isabella’s black and purple number because I have a suspicion THAT would have been my favorite but I just can’t make out enough detail on it.

Zig-zag patterns on the skirt are a huge theme in this version, which is so of the period. Mrs. Cole (shout out to another future Are You Being Served? familiar, Hilda Fenemore) looks straight out of a fashion plate in her dark green party dress, which has (drumroll please…) a padded hem! 

Outerwear

This version has SO MANY PELISSES AND REDINGOTES. Are they all nice? No. No they are not; I particularly hate Emma’s fugly salmon number that she wears for Strawberry picking/Box Hill. Mostly because she looks SO over-dressed compared to everyone else who’s wearing loose fitting light clothes (except Jane, who’s wearing an evening dress). Just looking at her makes me hot. I’m also NOT a huge fan of her pink winter cloak. The one trimmed with… faux ermine? One can only assume. It looks awfully tacky.

That russet pelisse tho! This is one of my all-time favorites. It’s SO. PRETTY and so detailed (See this number on Jane in P&P ’80). I think her gray fur-trimmed pelisse is pretty fabulous too, but I do not like the hat she wears with it. The brim is kind of a funky shape to me.

I know I’ve criticized brown before, but I do like it in moderation and this version is astonishingly brown-free for being made in the 70’s, so I really like her red/brown velvet spencer, especially with the cream dress and gloves, and her hat has some amazing decoration.

Jane and Mrs. Weston are the only other characters who get pelisses/redingotes. I’m not a fan of Mrs. Weston’s fuchsia number, and while I like Jane’s, it does put itself solidly in the Jane Fairfax Blue™ category.  

Harriet gets pretty much only one form of outer-wear, her brown school cloak (a different brown school cloak from the one in the ‘97 version, in case you were wondering) and while it’s pretty dull, it’s hardly unexpected. Here it is paired with her rather ugly blue bonnet, with yellow ribbon. The bonnet features heavily in this episode.

To be honest for the most part I totally forgot about the… 

because a lot of it is very standard. No dandy standouts here, but overall it’s pretty okay and I’m really pleased to say that there are no bib-cravats. That’s not usually so much a problem in Regency Era stuff (Since ruffles were going out at around this time), but you can really distinctly see that the ruffles (where ruffles there are – usually on older men which is good) are part of the shirt and distinctly separate from the cravat. Also there are LOTS of high collars and they’re not comically high to the point where they get wrinkled, like they were in Emma. (2020), so points for that also. These are the screencaps I gathered going back over it for posterity.

Mr. Knightley doesn’t really get a lot of cool outfits. His best is his purple velvet evening jacket which somehow manages to not look ostentatious (but is his only dress jacket), and his gold-topped Prussian boots (which you should just be able to see bottom right.) The worst though… I’m sorry, (looks up costumer’s name) Joan Ellacott – do you really expect me to feel the weight of Emma’s cock-ups when Mr. Knightley is rebuking her in such a cartoonishly proportioned top hat? It’s like being scolded by the Mad Hatter. All of the men’s hats are pretty flared in this series too, and I’m not totally sure but, I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that flared top hats are not right for this period?

I think Mr. Weston only has one day outfit (which, in keeping with his characterization is pretty farmer-chic) and one evening outfit. Frank’s dark green day-jacket is a pretty standard look on him and I don’t think we get a fresh look until his fabulous blue jacket/yellow waistcoat combo that he wears for Strawberry Picking/Box Hill. I believe his evening jacket is also dark green but it was tough to tell. Again I think he has only one set of evening-wear. I would expect Frank to have more, since he’s such a dandy.

Mr. John Knightley doesn’t have much to write home about in terms of evening kit, but DAYUM, his blue traveling coat is DOOOOOPE. 

Let’s Talk Script

This adaptation was directed by John Glenister and Dramatized by Denis Constanduros.

Now I’ve seen a lot of positive reviews for this on IMDB calling it the… let’s see here… “The best Emma I’ve ever seen” and “The most true to the novel”… *Takes off spectacles and sighs heavily* I’m afraid I have to disagree. Several people also really love Doran Godwin’s Emma (We’ve already gone over why I don’t, and I have also seen reviews that name her and her lack of charisma as the main sticking point preventing them from really enjoying it, so I’m not alone). I’ve also heard it described as “sensitively handled” “Intimate” and “The most faithful to the spirit of Austen” and so forth, and again maybe it’s that prejudice against the stagey production and… no there’s definitely some other reason I have a problem with this version.

Let me make this clear – I don’t totally hate it, and I’m not here to shame the people who really love this version. Once again – if this version gives you what you want from the story I think that’s great for you. I, myself, like it pretty well and I think it’s one of the better early BBC Austen serials. It’s certainly not boring; but I do want to go over some of the changes that were made and choices in the script.

Some of them aren’t really that egregious, but they’re annoying in that I think they didn’t need to be made and don’t really add anything. Characters being added to scenes where they didn’t need to be and written out of scenes where their presence was missed. Like writing Mr. Elton out of Box Hill (And really the whole second half of the series, to facilitate Mrs. Elton flirting with Knightley), and adding Miss Bates into the after-dinner scene, I think at the Randalls Christmas party? I’m sure this was done for expediency but you have six episodes. It’s not as though you’re strapped for time.

Particularly praised, as far as I’ve seen, is the scene at Christmas when Knightley and Emma make up after their argument over Harriet. It takes place in the nursery, which I suppose isn’t an unreasonable place for Emma to be fawning over her niece (in the dramatization she seems to have been feeding the baby, where in the book she is playing with her). The book doesn’t specify where the scene takes place, although I assumed it to be a downstairs room, and I’m not sure that it’s entirely appropriate for Emma and a man (even one connected to her family through marriage) to be alone in an upstairs room together with the door closed and no more chaperone than a baby. But in spite of this, perhaps inappropriate, level of privacy, the scene feels less intimate to me than the book, where in the course of the conversation, where Mr. Knightley takes the baby from Emma “in the manner of perfect amity” and holds her himself and it is very adorable and sweet. In the dramatization, Knightley sort of just stands next to Emma’s chair and leans down a bit. After this conversation in the book, John comes into the room to talk to George, while in the show Emma puts the baby in the cradle and they leave the room to go downstairs.

But there are more outstanding changes that just feel wrong to me. When confronting Emma about her meddling in Harriet’s response to Mr. Martin’s proposal, Constanduros changes “What is the foolish girl about?” to “What is the stupid girl about?” it’s not that big a change, but it makes Mr. Knightley sound unnecessarily mean.

I’ve already mentioned the, er, additions regarding Mr. Weston’s dialogue and Mrs. Elton, and Jane shouting at Miss Bates; but by far the biggest, worst additions were made with Emma. The worst, I think, is the handling of this scene in Episode 4 when Harriet is feeling heartsick following Mr. Elton’s marriage.

And for those of you who don’t wanna follow the link, here’s a transcription:

Emma: Now Harriet! Your allowing yourself to become so upset over Mr. Elton’s marriage is the strongest possible reproach you could make to me!

Harriet: Miss Woodhouse –

Emma: Yes it is! You could not more constantly remind me of the mistake I made, which is most hurtful!

Harriet: Oh Miss Woodhouse, it was not intended to be!

Emma: I have not said “think and talk less of Mr. Elton” for my sake, Harriet, because it is for yours I wish it. My being hurt is a very… secondary consideration, but please, please Harriet, do learn to exert a little more self-discipline in this matter.

Harriet: {Looks down} Yes, Miss Woodhouse.

Emma: We are all creatures of feeling; we all suffer disappointments, it is how we learn to suffer them that forms our character. If you continue in this way, Harriet, I shall think you wanting in true friendship for me!  

Harriet: Oh, Miss Woodhouse! You, who are the best friend I’ve ever had? Oh what a horrid, horrid wretch I’ve been!”

Emma: Oh now Harriet – (She’s gonna console her now, right?)

Harriet: Oh yes, I have, I have!

Emma: Harriet, control yourself! (ha ha bitch, u thought) Now, you will tie your bonnet, and you are coming with me to call on Mr. And Mrs. Elton at the Vicarage…

Harriet: Oh, Miss Woodhouse –

Emma: Yes you are! And I’m sure you will find it far less distressing than you think.

Harriet: Oh, Miss Woodhouse, must I?

Emma: Yes, Harriet; but you may borrow my lace ruff if you wish.

Harriet: Oh may I, Miss Woodhouse? Oh, thank you!

(Look how evil she looks! She looks like she’s planning on baking Harriet into a pie!)

While this scene is in the book and much of the dialogue is also from the book, it’s the lines that were added that stick out to me. Emma does tell Harriet that her allowing herself to become upset over the Eltons is a reproach on Emma more than anything else and reminds her miserably of the “Mistake [Emma] fell into” but from this point, the script takes a left turn from the firm but kind appeal to Harriet to move on for both her happiness and Emma’s own comfort, to a far more manipulative strain.

Even after Harriet apologizes, she goes from simply appealing to Harriet to let herself move on, to basically telling her that she’s a bad friend. She treats Harriet like she’s unreasonable for feeling this way, where in the book Emma is very understanding and feels that “she could not do too much for her; that Harriet had every right to all her ingenuity and patience…” and only after Harriet goes all afternoon with Emma soothing her and no improvement in her spirits does Emma take any kind of reproachful tack whatsoever.

    In this scene, Emma says that her own happiness is a secondary consideration (this is stressed much more in the book) but from the way she says it, it seems more like she just wants Harriet to shut up about it rather than actually meaning it. (This is a very prominent example of Emma’s not seeming to really like Harriet at all in this version, only tolerating her presence.)

AND THEN she does something which Emma in the book most certainly did NOT do and forces Harriet to come with her to visit the Eltons, as if to put her on the spot and test how good a little friend she will be. I can’t express how disgusted I am by the changes and interpretation here. This is the culmination of the general through-line of Emma’s manipulative characterization being taken to an extreme. She looms over Harriet sounding, by turns, like a school marm and a saccharine nanny. She’s like a (very) low budget version of Tilda Swinton as the White Witch in The Chronicles of Narnia. 

My question about all of these changes is simply: Why? They don’t improve the story or the characters. They’re not big, but a lot of them just strike me as weird and unnecessary, but I guess there’s no accounting for artistic license.  

Final Thoughts

So is it a faithful adaptation? I often find this a more complex question to answer for myself than one would think, since inflection and line delivery and even, at some points, intention behind what the characters say tends to be up to the interpretation of the person reading the book.

Is the dialogue faithful? Other than the many changes I’ve mentioned (and the numerous cuts and edits I didn’t – and besides no screenplay can be 100% faithful), for the most part yes.

Are the characters accurate to description / faithful in their portrayal – again this tends to be subjective and opinions vary. In my opinion, Emma is not. I’ve mentioned that Knightley is too old, and Emma not only seems more intentionally manipulative than I believe she’s meant to be, and also just does not seem 21. She acts and looks like a much older woman, especially when preaching at Harriet) but she’s also very gawky, and Emma is supposed to look very healthy and glowing.

So my book accuracy rating meets in the middle at a 4.5. It’s NOT the most faithful adaptation I’ve seen, nor is it the most fun or the most intimate, but it’s not totally a travesty either and there are good things in it, even with a robot witch playing the main lead.

Ribbon Rating: Tolerable (43 Ribbons )

Tone: 4

Casting: 5 (Witchy automaton Doran Goodwin plays opposite avuncular good-fellow John Carson. Fiona Walker stands out as Mrs. Elton.)

Acting: 5 (Doran Goodwin is by turns crazed and mechanical with some momentary touches of what might be actual emotion. Raymond Adamson way over-acts Mr. Weston as a hobbeldy-hoi, verging on uncouth.)

Scripting: 4

Pacing: 4

Cinematography: 4 (A bump up from the usual 1 or 2 for TV dramas of the time. Surprisingly less stagey than expected.)

Sets and Settings: 5

Costumes: 7 (Very clearly of the 70’s but drawing on perfectly accurate styles that jived well with contemporary taste)

Music: 1 (Plinky, poorly played piano music. Only used for intro and outro I think? Jane Fairfax can neither play nor sing.)

Book Accuracy: 5 (They changed a lot of small details. Lines are changed unnecessarily (Calling Harriet “Stupid” rather than “Foolish” – Why?) Mrs. Elton seems to have a thing for Knightley? People present when they shouldn’t be, others absent when they should be present, again without any apparent reason.)

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, “Poisoned.”

Got this idea from a comment or ask someone made. hope this iw what they had in mind :)

Another galactic summit, more issues to deal with, and more problems to discuss, not the largest being the Burg war, and the attack on earth. Though it had been thwarted by the planet’s natural hellish landscape, there were still discussions to be made about whether the Rundi and the Vrul would help to provide a defense Nexus to the remaining planets. As well as disaster relief on the gromm home world.

The rundi home world at the GA summit chambers were, once again, rife with alien lifeforms. It was also, once again, rife with Rundi underlings who were trying very hard not to freak out with all the duties that were being placed on their backs.

At least one thing was made clear, there was no pint in getting human food for the summit, since the human delegates always insisted on trying all the other alien food. Leave enough of the nectar orbs from the Drev home world out, and that seemed to keep the humans happy enough.

Dr. Krill accompanied the Commander into the summit as was usual. Sunny was not with them today, seeing as she had work to do back aboard the ship

That left just the two of them.

Felt almost like old times.

The captain was dressed up in his fancy UNSC uniform, and as such, he was obligated to behave.

Apparently behaving didn’t mean avoiding arguments with his most important doctor, who --despite being a complete genius-- was hardly capable of getting the captain to agree with him.

“I just think that there should be better security at these things. All of the most important people in the galaxy are here.”

“Krill,  there is an entire armada outside, I hardly think we need to worry about being attacked by the burg. Besides, their attack on earth completely broke their spirits. There is no way they would try getting in here.”

Krill crossed both sets of arms, “I disagree, Commander. I have been looking into human history of warfare, and I Think that a spy could easily-”

“Krill calm down will you. Besides, species rely on the fact that you can disguise yourself to look like the other side. The Burg are so fugly that they'd be noticed in half an instant.

They came around the corner, and the Commander was nearly knocked onto his back as an Iotin brushed past hurrying from the banquet hall.

The Commander tripped back into a wall, “Woah watch….yourself.” The Iotin disappeared around the next corner, and the Commander looked after him with a frown, “Didn’t know those guys could move that fast. Wonder why he could be in such a hurry.”

Krill waved it off as the Commander poked his head into the banquet room, “Oh look, pink orbs!”

“Commander, don’t you think we should wait until after the summit, when the food is being served.”

The man waved a hand, “Oh no one will notice one missing.”

He quickly snuck into the room and Krill rolled his eyes as the man came out munching on one of the pink fruits.

“And they made you leader of the fleet.”

“Technically they are thinking of making me leader of the entire Galactic armada, but I digress.”

“Lord help us all.”

The captain made a face.

“What it’s true.”

The man shook his head, “No, not you, this fruit tastes…. Weird.”

“Good weird or bad weird.”

He shrugged and took another bite, “Not bad enough for me to stop eating it, so good weird I guess.”

He stuffed the rest of the orb into his mouth and licked the juices off his fingers.

Krill sighed, “I still can’t believe they would choose you.”

“Better believe it.”

The two of them walked into the main conference chamber to sit down with the other delegates. The human delegation was near the top tier, and so that is where they went, taking a seat  just to the right of the Rundi chairwoman’s box.

The entire room was alive with the sound of alien life.

Commander Vir leaned over to speak with one of the delegates and krill was left to watch the room. Most of the delegations were here, though the iotin delegation had arrived late. Seemed strange considering he had seen one of their number not long ago.

The light dimmed  a couple of times, and the chairwoman took her pedestal and began to greet the delegates. Krill looked on politely as was his want though he wasn’t entirely interested in the whole thing.

The charwoman could be rather long-winded when she got going.

He sat there through a good few minutes of it glancing over at the other human delegates on occasion. Vir looked almost sleepy, though that was almost to be expected, he was never very good at politics, even though he was involved in them so much.

He turned back to the delegation.

The commander shifted uncomfortably in his seat during a discussion about intergalactic trade laws, and Krill looked over again.

The man had taken to licking his lips repeatedly.

“Are you ok?” Krill muttered.

“Yeah fine, just thirsty.” He muttered 

Krill let it go through something made him turn back not to long after. The human was rubbing at his mouth, which appeared red, though he supposed that was supposed to be expected. Little lines of sweat were trickling down from his hairline.

He scooted a bit closer.

“Commander, are you feeling alright.”

He was waved off, “yeah, I’m ok, it just got a little hot in here as all…. Feeling kind of…. Faint. Maybe a little nauseous. I am sure I’ll be fine. Probably just need something to eat.”

The talks continued, but Krill wasn’t focused on them anymore. The commander was not looking very good. He was sweating enough that the collar of his dress shirt was almost soaked. The tint of his face had gone from healthy blush to a yellow parlor. He looked as if he was about to pass out. A few  of the other human delegates had stared to notice.

Someone placed a hand on his shoulder, “Commander are you feeling alright.”

“I…. I think I…. Just need to…. Walk around.”

His voice was slurred.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea commander?” Krill said turning his head to face him. 

His pupils were unusually wide despite the dark space around them.

“The human was breathing hard now, one hand over his chest. His dry mouth from earlier had gone, replaced by saliva production so excessive he was having to clear his mouth every couple of seconds.

He looked at Krill, and the expression on his face was enough.

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

The other delegates had leaned over sensing the commotion, and they stood to let Krill and the commander pass as he stood and wobbled his way towards the stairs. 

Krill could sense something was wrong almost immediately.

Dizziness, shortness of breath, nausea.

“Someone, help him walk.” Krill ordered not caring about the delegation anymore.

Their sudden movement had caused a bit of commotion on one side of the room. The commander paused on the stairwell, and instead of turning towards the exit, he turned towards the delegation floor. Krill tried to grab him, tried to stop him, but the human -- even in his weakened state -- was still too strong.

A muttering had grown up around the crowd as he staggered onto the floor.

The chairwoman stopped speaking looking on in confusion, “Commander, are you alright.”

The human paused at the center of the floor.

IN the main lighting he looked absolutely horrific. He was so pale his skin was almost yellow. The skin around his mouth was red. Sweat drenched the side of his face. He was drooling so badly that it was, at this point, impossible to control.

“The...food…. Has been poisoned.” He choked out through heaving breaths.

And then he collapsed to his knees vomiting violently on the white marble floor.

The entire delegation stood shock and uproar filling the room. Krill ran over to help the human whose arms and hands were shaking as he tried to hold himself up.

The sight was horrifying. Saliva dripped in strings from his mouth. His clothing and hands were stained pink from the orb fruit from earlier. 

Krill remembered he said it tasted weird.

Could he really have been poisoned.

A couple other human delegates vaulted over the railings and onto the floor grabbing the man by the arms as his strength began to fail him. His body was shaking violently now.

Krill practically scream ordered one of the assistance to grab a medical kit.

The entire room was in an uproar.

Krill jammed his finger at the Iotin representatives, “Don’t let them leave!”

The Iotins stood in shock as the delegation turned on them. The Drev delegation, weaponless, still managed to make a circle around the group, “Someone, go grab the food, and get me a sample!”

The commander had been rolled onto his side. His body continued to reject whatever toxin it had been given, though Krill desperately tried to avoid him aspirating and choking. That only got harder once the man began to cease and convulse. He had to reduce the absorption, but he also needed to keep the man from throwing it back up.

His kit was open on the floor, and he had the others help him With the tubes and medication. Adam wouldn’t be helping him now, so he would have to get directly to the stomach himself.

He had one of the other humans hold him as he inserted the tube and began with the activated charcoal. Hopefully that would be enough before they got test results back. One of the Rundi came sprinting into the room holding one of the pink orbs handing it over to one of Krill’s assistants who was ordered to test the fruit with one of the testing strips.

They did as told and the entire group waited for the results.

When the strip turned blue, krill knew what it was. 

It was at least similar to some toxins he had seen before and attacked the central nervous system in humans through absorption in the gut. The dosage had been too high however, and while the human could potentially choke to death, much of the toxin had already been rejected by the body.

“Someone cut open his sleeve.”

The uniform was ignored as the sleeve was cut open and Krill placed an IV reaching into his kit for the antitoxin.

“You…. Just have that lying around?” one of the other humans asked.

Krill nodded, “I work with humans. I expect them to ingest stupid things that could kill them on a regular basis.”

He was calm on the outside like a doctor should be, but on the inside he was panicking horribly. The commander was not looking good.

But he placed the IV and made the injection.

“Someone test the other food. I want to know if this was planned for just the humans or for the entire delegation.

His orders were quickly followed, and they found the toxin in almost every dish that had been in the banquet hall. 

“You should be glad it was the human who took it first.” Krill was saying 

“Why is that?” The chairwoman asked 

“Because, the human body is the only one that would have noticed the poisoning before it was too late. The human brain responds to toxins that affect the central nervous system with dizziness and nausea. For any other species, you would have been dead before the symptoms kicked in.”  On the floor the human convulsions had stopped. His heart rate was depressed now, but krill was keeping an eye on it.

The Iotins were still looking around in panic as the Drev glowered at them.

“What is the meaning of this.” Their leader called.

Krill turned on them anger in every line of his body, “We saw one of you leaving the room before we entered, and they were in a hurry. So forgive me if I am a little suspicious.” 

More uproar, but the Drev kept the delegates in check.

‘Come on, Commander.” rill muttered 

If he was going to wake up, it would be in the next few minutes if only for a little bit.

One of the other humans had ripped open his uniform jacket removing his tie and pulling the coat off discarded to the side. Krill was more than grateful for their help. Even more pleased when the commander opened his eyes bleary, his pupils almost back to normal.

“What… happened.” He slurred 

“Congratulations, sir, you saved the entire delegation from death by poisoning. You’re a hero.”

He groaned, “I don’t feel like one.” he leaned his head back onto the floor, “Catch the bastards who did this for me will you.” He licked his lips, “I’m gonna pass out again.” 

And he did as promised.

Once again the human body had managed to save the day.

Because as it turns out humans are actually a lot harder to poison that one might first assume. Give them to high of a dose, and they will throw it up, give them too low of a dose and it won’t kill them. Plus the human body is very good at letting everyone know when something is wrong.

It is especially difficult to poison a human when their best friend is an experienced doctor.

Whoever had done this, had not succeeded in their end goal.

And they wouldn't likely be free for long. 

[youngboy-oldmind]

IN DEPTH REVIEW- DAMN Part III

I took a break from this series for March (Women’s History Month) and then had a surge of other projects to listen to in April. But I’m back with an in depth review DAMN, specifically two sister tracks, “PRIDE” and “HUMBLE”.

These two tracks address Kendrick wrestling pride. One side of the coin has him hating his temptation to feed into pride and embrace those emotions. The other side has him proudly bragging about himself and establishing others as below him. I mentioned in a previous review this album has a bipolar aura, and there’s no better example than these two tracks that have him accepting and rejecting this biblical sin. 

PRIDE

“PRIDE” continues the mellow sound of the previous track “LOYALTY”. We hear a vocal of Bekon stating “Love’s gonna get you killed. But pride’s gonna be the death of you and me” with “you and me” echoing into the transition to the change in instrumental. Then we hear the chorus where Kendrick and guest singer Steve Lacy state they weren’t taught to share or care, but in a perfect world they definitely would. Then we get a couple of verses where Kendrick discusses his conflict between embracing or rejecting pride. He discusses the role pride has in his music, fame, relationships, and social status.

The instrumental is one of the most dreary on the album. The moaning inflections give an angelic yet sad aura throughout the song. Like even the lighthearted, supernatural forces see this conflict as unsolvable and depressing. Kendrick’s duality is also expressed by his voice gradients of high pitched to low pitch.

You can feel Kendrick’s internal conflict regarding pride. Continuing the biblical themes of this project, especially a common visited idea of fearing futility in avoiding damnation. He mentions several times how he would have less pride in a perfect world, but since a perfect world is impossible, he’s navigating being the best person in an environment that fosters the worst. An interesting concept he explores in this track is “faking humble”. He embraces the fact he is one of the best rappers today, and arguably one of the best ever. Pretending he isn’t wouldn’t be humble, it would just be dishonest. Yet, he feels conflicting in taking pride in his status while acknowledging it is accurate and well earned. He complicates this sentiment into an unsolvable problem. That carries into the next song.

HUMBLE

“HUMBLE” completely counters the sentiments of the previous track. Kendrick unwaveringly boasts about himself. He talks about how he could murk somebody without the influence of drugs and alcohol. He is real while others fabricate. He has unparalleled connections to influential people. And ultimately has bragging rights, an ironic take on a song called “HUMBLE”. But, I’m 100% sure this was intentional.

The production on this record was mind boggling as well. We hear a very hasty “nobody pray for me” which usually indicates a more chaotic cut off this record. And the super dark piano melody intensified this track. The music video is also something to behold; I could make a whole separate post just analyzing the music video.

For a song boasting at this magnitude, one would think it would be difficult to reach any kind of lyrical complexity. But Kendrick still delivers plenty of lines that took multiple listens just to fully comprehend what he’s saying as well as the layers beneath it. My favorite of this are the first four lines in the first verse.

“Ayy, I remember syrup sandwiches and crime allowances

Finesse a n**** with some counterfeits, but now I'm countin’ this

Parmesan where my accountant lives, in fact I'm downin' this

Dusse with my boo bae tastes like Kool-Aid for the analysts”

I had to listen to these lines at least 5 times to figure out what all this means. But I finally was able to make sense of it all. First, the sentence structure is broken to create the rhyme and syllable scheme. So to understand better, it might be easier to read it in a sentence/paragraph structure.

“I remember syrup sandwiches and crime allowances, finesse a n**** with some counterfeits. 

But now I'm countin’ this parmesan where my accountant lives. 

In fact I'm downin' this Dusse with my boo bae, tastes like Kool-Aid for the analysts”

Here we get a brief narrative telling the origin story of Kendrick compared to where he is today. He went from poor food (syrup sandwiches), and earning money from counterfeiting and crime, to counting Parmesan (aka cheese aka slang for money) with his accountant. To further the point, he mentions he’s drinking Dusse with his “boo bae”. Dusse, an expensive cognac, is often referred to in hip hop to reflect wealth and high status. The last line changes from a narrative to a commentary on analysts and critics. “Dusse with my boo bae tastes like Kool Aid for the analysts”. This line suggests that analysts drink Dusse and treat it like Kool AId. Metaphorically speaking. 

Analysts will receive a very layered, complex, high quality message from Kendrick yet they summarize it as promoting violence and brutality. This idea was explored in the end of “BLOOD” with the fox news criticizing Kendrick Lamar for his lyrics on “Alright” off To Pimp A Butterfly. They generalized his sound and music as negative propaganda. It isn’t a coincidence that he used Dusse and Kool Aid as the drinks in the metaphor since both are associated with the black community. Someone who is stereotypical or racist may unjustly associate Kool Aid with people of color.

I read another analysis that stated the usage of Kool Aid refers to the well known phrase in the black community “all in the Kool Aid and don’t know the flavor”. Basically meaning forming an opinion or judgement without being aware of the full context your passing judgement upon. This analysis makes sense, especially in the context of these lines. Kendrick gives a story of where he’s coming from and analysts make judgement without knowing his past. I don’t take credit for this analysis, but I agree with it.

“HUMBLE” is a very intense track. And I only analyzed four of the many lines in this record. This entire album is layered and littered with messages. This track matches that energy. As Kendrick put it:

“There’s levels to it, you and I know. B**** be, humble”

Part IV Coming Soon

[questionthebox]

Poets Diary

so i got vaccinated at 1pm today, its damn near almost 4pm, tomorrow im set to meet in person other people in DSA for the first time ever, as we all couldn’t meet due to this pandemic, which seems so odd to say, that the world has been held hostage by a pandemic, 

its been an interesting week, one of which, the question of who’s in my life, havinng people in my life, comes up, and rears its head, 

i’m currently feeling aloof from a woman ive admittedly loved, shared love with, i thought we were in a good space, of understanding one another,  but she did some real sneaky shit this week, that i still don’t understand, and i am aware of, after speaking to a friend of mine about this situation, and i heard what my friend said, 

and i’ll say this, having relationships with women who are artists is difficult, this woman who i am refrencing, her action towards me this week, felt very moody and bipolar,  and as my friend pointed out emotionally manipulative, 

and that’s something i am wrestling with, because i love this woman, and when i say love, that’s such a loaded word, that people automatically jump to romantic love, but its beyond that, i thought we were close, as close as ive been with my former best friend MJ, or other close friends ive had over the years, and for her to say something and present something like she was gonna throw away the years weve had together, i found disturbing, because its like, wait a moment, you have mental health issues, because i didn’t do anything to you, and i am not saying this on a high horse, ive had my mental health issues as she knows, but ive changed my life around rapidly in these past few years, and i am not unhealthy mentally anymore. 

to be quite honest, her actions this week, hurt me, it was disrepectful and childish, as my friend said she’s acting like a 13 year old girl, 

and i don’t want someone who feels like they can disrespect me like that, 

we tried talking it out yesterday, and her repsonses to me, were odd, muted,  conciliatory, and she didn’t respond back to me, 

what happened was this, and this is going to sound completely childish, weeks ago, a month ago, i posted on my instagram, a screenshot, of a conversation her and i had, i make “pop art” artworks our of screenshots of conversations i have with people, and with this partiuclar screenshot she took offence, and i told her i would delete it and i apologized, but that was that, 

fast forward to this week, when i was with that young model woman, when we exchanged information, i noticed on my instagram, i had lost a follower, and it turned out it was her, and i didn’t understand it, i was perplexed by it, and hurt, because she’s one of my closest friends, and we’ve talked intimately about art and so on, i thought or was under the impression she loved and repsected me, and she knows how i have a problem with so called people who know me, who call me friend, not giving me likes, or following me, i find it fake, so for her to do that, i found very odd, very wrong, hurtful, 

so i hit her up two days ago, in the middle of the night “are we cool” and when i woke up i saw she responded, 

and me knowing this lady, understanding her quirks, it still didn’t make sense, and it was hurtful, apparently she had been feeling a kind of way about the screenshot issue, and i told her why didn’t she just call me, to discuss it, eventhough we already discussed it weeks ago, and i apologized already, 

but just how she responded to me, it was emotionally manipulative, and struck me as mental, and its something i was in denial about, but when i showed it to a friend of mine, she independently came to the same conclusion, 

and its like WTF, because i am not on some bullshit, and i don’t have a problem with this woman, like i actually like and love her, but is she just crazy and is using me ? 

there’s also this, were set to hang out in august, and when we were discussing it over the phone she was hyped up, i was hyped up, i don’t understand where that energy went amidst this weirdo shit, 

i think she has conflicted feelings about me, and is pushing herself away from me, eventhough we agreed to just be friends, i can see, because i know women, and secondly i’m going to say this, i never should’ve told this woman all of the romantic things i told her in the beggining of us knowing each other, because like anyone, like any woman, they take that shit to heart, 

like i can be friends with her, i can say that the original romantic tinge of our relationship, was because i was, not in a good place, and needed to express that with someone, and vice versa, now the thing is, we found something genuine in each other, she likes to say “we are part of the same soul family” well if we are, and if we are strictly platonic, why are you treating me in these ways ? 

there’s alot of other things here as well, and i have to say once again, as a 29 year old man, and as someone who literally crawled their way out of mental health issues and darkness, that you can’t be going around talling people you love them and all this romantic shit, because the other person hears what you say and it affects them, 

and i don’t ever want to cause drama in somebodys life, nor do i want drama in my own, 

so earlier today i unfollowed her on instagram, and it hurt, because, i thought we did have something genuine, and i am totally fine with it not being romantic, like i love this woman, but we now are aloof, 

i had hit her up over a month ago, one evening, i had been smoking weed, i wrote her this long message, and i was telling her, i want her to find a man for herself, and to get her life going, 

this woman shouldn’t be entangled in me Anthony, she’s beautiful, smart, blah blah, but like alot of people, life keeps stuck and mired, and i tottaly empathize with that because ive been there too, 

idk, it sucks, i love this woman, i would never ask anything of her that i wouldn’t ask of myself, and our social bond matters to me, but i don’t like what this week revealed, and unlike what my friend was suggesting, i don’t like losing people, especially people who i love and have so much with. 

and this is the problem of contemporary life, how people feel like they can easily just “unknow” someone, that its as simple as clicking unfollow, you people sicken me, and there’s a level of hatred in me, that i am trying to keep away, where i can literally become hitler 2.0 if i wanted to, and be the antichrist and use my charisma and power of words and emotions to destroy the world. 

[hanjislabig]

Hanji's Past

"Isn’t it worth trying?"

————-

(Thats an extract from a story me and my friend write. An evening with Levi and Hanji, eating crackers, drinking red wine and talking about old wounds.)

Hanji looks at Levi with loving eyes. "Offer up your beating hearts... that’s a really serious promise... at least that’s what my mother always said." She takes another cracker and slips it into her mouth, while relaxing on the bed again.

Her last sentence makes Levi sit up. "You've actually never told me much about your parents, how comes?"

"There’s nothing special I could tell you,” she answers his question and shrugs casually. “But what do you mean, I already did tell you some things.”

"Right, you did", Levi says. He has noticed her unusual reaction to his question immediately. "But only a few things from your childhood. I mean - what else? Are they still alive, are you still in contact with them, do they know about me, whatever."

Hanji remains silent for a moment. She often talks about her parents casually, but rather with the intention to displace the latest happenings. The ones that she’d rather ban out of her mind completely. Now she gets confronted with everything again, she doesn’t hate to talk about what happened, but she’s definitely not keen to tell it everyone.

Hanji takes a deep sigh before she changes her position and sits up, pulling her legs against her body and wrapping her arms around them. "You really wanna know? I mean you don’t have to ask out of politeness.“

Levi changes his own position a little bit. "Sound like there's something that's not easy to talk about", he says. "So I only wanna know if you wanna tell me."

Hanji sighs again but nods then. She props her chin on her knees and starts thinking where to begin.

"So, my father was a scout in survey corps. He always used to be away for long periods of time, when they went on expeditions. Besides he always needed to leave for Trost to work. In his free time though when he was at home, he did a lot of stuff with chemistry and architecture. I loved to read in his books and rummage in his stuff,“

Hanji chuckles lightly at the memory.

"Altough i didn’t understand anything of these academic textes. You know I just wanted to seem as smart as did. So I assume his interests somehow woke the interest in me too.“

She sighs.

“My moms a botanist. Sometimes she also cared for the kids in our neighborhood. We also had this huge lively garden where I spent a lot of my childhood in. She planted her flowers everywhere, it was beautiful, especially in spring when everything bloomed. Sometimes I simply sat the whole day in the grass, watching the insects flying around and doing their tasks, listening to the birds... I loved the nature, I remember that.“

From one moment to another Hanji gets more serious again and it seems like she came back to reality.

"When I was 12 years old, my father died,” she continues with a voice that doesn’t reveal much, “he was one of the deceased of an expedition. My mother and I didn’t know much about titans back then, no one has ever seen one, they were only known through stories. When I was a child... we didnt have these wall problems yet,” Hanji stares down on her feet, lost in her thoughts.

“We got the message over a letter from the commander. That my father died in war against the so called titans.”

Hanjis eyes narrow, almost not noticeable while she speaks about the titans. Even if it’s only for a short moment, it seems like her attitude towards these monster changes.

"Before that happened I never considered joining the sure corps. I didn’t even think about it. It was nothing more than the job my father had. But after I got to know he got killed by titans...“ she falters, "... I think that could’ve been the trigger for my Titan obsession. But not exactly like I see them now, no... I wanted retribution, revenge, justice for what happened to my father. I got obsessed with titans because of all the hate I carried in myself. So I guess that was the moment when i realized I want to avenge my father and I decided from one day to another that I’ll do the same job as he did. I wanted to kill all of these titans everyone was talking about and afraid of."

Hanji swallows with a dry throat and takes a brief break.

"Like I said, I was twelve years old at this point. My father passed away only a few months before the recruitment for the next legion started. I was completely convinced that becoming a soldier would be my destination so I... I let myself get registered that day... but without telling my mom...“

Hanji lowers her eyes and gazes at her hands, a feeling of guilt coming over her.

“This lead us to heaving the worst fight ever. It was... something worse ive ever experienced in my entire life before at this point,” Hanji can’t help but pulling a slightly pained face as the memories flash her, “I told my mother that I was joining the corps. And she said no. And I said yes. My mother...I realize it now... she was so concerned and frightened. If I just imagine this... her only daughter wants to do the exact same job that got her husband killed only a few months ago."

Hanji presses her lips together.

“She didn’t want me to go... but I didn’t listen. I didn’t care, I thought she’d be too selfish to let me go... how could I-... I was too young to understand how the love of a mother works..."

Silence again.

"I packed my few necessary things and left my mother behind. I was so furious, you can’t imagine. Full of blind anger and a raging, ambitious heart. I can-... still see her face... this expression in her eyes when I-... when I left without turning around a single time...”

Hanji slowly shakes her head in disbelief and breathes out shivering.

“That was the last time I saw my mother. I’ve never seen her again since then.” She has to look away from Levi, her facial expression tormented and hurt as she remembers what happened back then.

Levi listens to her the whole time without saying a word, just focusing on her story. When she talks about her life back then he feels a little pain in his chest. It sounds more than beautiful. So beautiful he's having a hard time even imagining it.

He finds it hard to believe such a happy childhood is even possible. But then he learns how that happiness ended. It's just a story like all the others, nothing they haven't heard a hundred times before. And still it's not. Because it's her story. Her pain, her motivation, her reason to choose the path she chose, the cross she has to bear every day.

There's this picture inside his head, a twelve-year-old Hanji, fuelled by sorrow and hatred, trying to turn that pain into power. This part of the story seems much more familiar and Levi thinks to himself that at least she had something to focus her anger on. In his own story there was no bad guy, no-one who had ruined his life and still it was ruined. So he turned his hatred against the whole world, but the whole world is a bad enemy.

Levi continues listening and it doesn't get better. He feels sympathy for Hanji's mother, what her daughter did to her wasn't fair. But still he doesn't blame Hanji. She was young, passionate, furious, had a goal. If she was anything like she's now that made her unstoppable. But back then she didn't have the far-sightedness to realise how what she was doing affected the person who cared about her most. Sometimes she still doesn't.

Hanji's wish to join the survey corps is just as understandable as her mother's for her to stay. It was a tragic situation with no possible outcome that would have been good for everyone. Still Hanji should have handled it differently. She knows that and this knowledge tears her apart. This is why Levi forgives her immediately. He's as sure that her mother would forgive her as well as he's sure Hanji won't ever. Maybe that's why she suffers from guilt issues whenever something happens to the people and creatures around her.

For almost two decades she's lived with the knowledge that it was her who has caused a person close to her pain and she never wants that to happen again. But whenever something similar happens she thinks it's her fault automatically. The fact that she hasn't found the courage to see her mother again since surely makes it worse. Hanji probably thinks she's a coward, which doesn't exactly help her build self-esteem. Levi moves a bit closer to her and starts massaging her neck soothingly.

"Thanks for telling me this", he says after remaining silent for a while. "What happened between you and your mother is really bad", he begins carefully.

"But you know that you did her wrong and that's the first step in the right direction. You didn't mean to hurt her back then, you just did what we all have to do at some point, you chose how to live your life. She shouldn't have tried to stop you, that's probably what she's telling herself every day, but she was worried. And you shouldn't have left without talking to her about it, but you were a young girl who had just lost her father and got it all wrong. It's awful how it ended..."

Levi stops for a moment and his voice changes.

"...but it didn't end. You're alive, she's alive, thank whoever you want to thank for that. So many of our next of kin are dead, there's no way we can sort anything out or be united with them in this life again. You've got that chance so many of us dream about. Take it."

He gives Hanji an encouraging nudge.

"You've forgiven her and you love her, there's a high chance she's forgiven you as well and I'm a hundred percent sure she loves you. So what are you waiting for? You love each other, you miss each other. You've both made mistakes but we all do. If there's any way you can talk things out and become a family again, isn't it worth trying?"

[transrightsjimin]

this might seem like a silly question but do you think tae has been okay this past year? i used to be super into bts 2013-17 and im getting back into them again so ive been watching run bts but he seems so much more quiet than i remember, ive only watched the last maybe 6 eps but i was just wondering do u think hes just tired or is this something thats been consistent? idk how to phrase my question properly i hope you understand

i dont want to psychoanalyze him too much (and have already been accused of doing so nd been attacked bc i once said i relate to him a lot in terms of my autism nd that seeing him makes me happy but. whatever lol) so i’ll just go by what he shared w us nd what is known. i’ve been a fan since 2014 and knew the group since 2013 so i will share what i know and read throughout the years. i hope my answer is a bit more helpful than the quora pages where people ask something similar to your ask (but with infantilizing nd ableist language instead) but in the end, i don’t know him nd just go by interviews and past observations.

Taehyung has shared w fans that he has been feeling depressed the past year and dealt w sleeping problems, which i think he has mentioned in a few times but the first one i can think of is in his interview in Weverse magazine, where he discusses how tired and down he’s felt in 2020. He also explains his thoughts behind the song Blue & Grey, which is meant to comfort people in that sort of headspace. while i think he has become more quiet over the years in general, you can def see his mood change the past year. as a side note, i notice the same about the other members when watching old concerts and such. they put a lot of effort and energy into activities they could do lately but i was still really caught off guard seeing how much more happy and excitable they all looked when in front of a real audience. which is all understandable of c bc as they noted before, an audience recharges their energy of course.

i thought he had become generally more reserved over the years, even before 2020. fans have speculated it is because his grandmother (who raised him for 10+ years nd whom he had a great bond w) had passed away and he has even received a lot of hate for expressing at a show that she died as he was portrayed as ‘attention seeking‘. a good friend of him also died by suicide in 2017 and in 2018 his grandfather died. these deaths are some of the possible reasons he might be looking less excitable.

in bts festa 2019 the members talk about how much more taehyung has matured over the years, e.g. being more mindful of others. Tae adds that he changed his mind on what happiness means for him, as he used to think it meant when everything was great for him, but later on he realized that it made him most happy when all members are happy together and when he sees the positive in things. so there’s a part of maturity there in terms of being less careless / stubborn / free-spirited, even if (as the members state) that is also what used to draw in fans back in the day because he drew attention in shows.

so it’s not per se bad he became more quiet / reserved and less stubborn as it helps be mor considerate of other ppl and he reflected on how he could make the most out of difficult situations.

i’m not sure if it was him too but members have mentioned in songs and interviews (I thought also Jimin did so in the same festa but i couldn’t find the moment quickly) that many people have tried to get close to them, just because they found them interesting for their fame but not care for them. the group has become more critical to such interests and cut off people who mistreated their openness. this might not per se be the whole reason for him smiling less or a reason at all, but his character did change over the years.

it might be important to add that his character / vibe (which i will rather refer to as autistic traits than any of the ableist language people online use :S ) is what drew a lot of negative attention by netizens, such as when he mentioned his grandma on tv, or when he cried on mama 2018 stage, or when he mouthed along to a song when they won an award in 2015. him just being goofy and happy were falsely flagged as misbehaviour in controversies caused by (then) larger fandoms that tried to undermine bts.

i am in no way saying Taehyung is the only one targeted or anything. i actually really hate that framework considering all of bangtan have been targeted by hate nd went through hard times mentally as a whole. and there is a HUGE issue recently within the fandom, where solo stans of tae have been popping up, who pretend bangtan mistreats tae and that he needs to go solo. which is just insulting considering he keeps emphasising they are a group /family and that he wants people to care for all of them and not just one. what i meant to say instead is that his behaviour has changed a lot bc it has been criticized a lot.

and as a final note i want to say that it is not particularly unnatural for Tae to be more quiet / depressed / reserved. i remember that early on in my army days, either in early 2014 or early 2015, Tae was not active on social media and generally more reclusive to the public for several months in a row. then too, people speculated he was tired or overwhelmed or depressed and idk if that is true, he was just less present to the public, but i meant to address that in the past too he could be more quiet or reserved at times so it’s not completely new or different for him to be more in the background. which is totally ok and in this case, we know he is more down and why. i dont think the members are obligated to talk to us about their mental or physical health, but i do appreciate them speaking up anyway bc it is very reassuring nd opens up healthy conversations.

TLDR; tae’s personality and public persona did change over the years, for both bad and good reasons, but morever it is true that he struggled w being depressed and w sleeping problems (as he himself discussed). the pandemic doesn’t help those issues.

i hope this answers your question?

i ended up still going WAY in to depth and speculating but i tend to ramble and look up links to support stuff i remember jfhgk sorry about the long answer, i always forget where im going once im typing. my answer already feels too much like psychoananalyzing him and im not a fan who disect a picture of e.g. a member smiling / looking somewhere / not smiling and writing a whole essay on his thoughts or traumas or whatnot behind it. so i hope i didn’t come off as going that route. ^^;

[snickletastic]

My Boyfriend's Back {Jason Todd x Reader + Batfam}

warnings~ SEXUAL ASSAULT, uncomfortable situations, seriously don’t read this if you have any problems with sexual assault scenarios!!! cursing, and extreme angst.

summary~ inspired by the song my boyfriend’s back, by the angels, reader is waiting for jason to get back home from a mission, but comes upon some serious problems when a boy begins throwing accusations with her name in them around the school and super duper angsty things follow.

a/n~ im back! hi! at first i must admit i felt really rusty at first when writing this, but i cranked this whole thing out in one sitting because i was having so much fun. i actually love how this came out, and ive had it in mind for some time now. its a bit cliche, but cliches arent always bad. hope you guys like it! :)

54 days of school left until graduation. Then that’s it. You’re finally out of highschool. You rapidly tapped your pencil against your desk while staring at the old wall clock, daydreaming about summer and the beach and finally getting to spend time with Jason again. He graduated last year, leaving you behind to fend for yourself in a school of vile beings. Lucky asshole,  you thought to yourself. You kept your relationship under wraps because of the infamous reputation the big bad Jason Todd had at your school. You both knew people would be scared of you if they knew he was your boyfriend, so you decided to keep it a bit of a secret. It made things more exciting, anyways. As the clock continued to march towards the time the bell, your pencil tapping became faster and faster. That is, until the boy in front of you grabbed the pencil from your hand. 

“Hard to focus when someone is beating up an innocent pencil behind me,” Jacob sarcastically whispered, careful not to catch the attention of the grumpy math teacher. 

“Sorry,” you apologized, “I totally tuned out…but let’s be real. You totally weren’t focusing on the lesson to begin with,” you teased. 

“Well let’s just say it wasn’t the pencil distracting me in the first place,” he said in a low voice, “you’ve been breathing down my neck for the past 20 minutes.”

You blushed, “I-sorry, I-,” you stammered, “I-”

“Don’t be sorry,” Jacob interrupted, “sorta turned me on,” he snickered at your facial expression and gently put the pencil back into your hand, then turned back around in his seat.

Absolutely baffled by the interaction you just had, you sat there dumbfounded for a full minute. Your intentions were definitely not to flirt with him, you really just breathe from your mouth sometimes. You scratched your head and cringed at the thought of Jacob possibly liking you. He wasn’t bad looking at all; maybe he was even sort of cute. But you certainly did not need a boytoy, because your boyfriend probably wouldn’t approve. Only 3 more days until he returns from that damn mission. You shook your head to yourself and sunk into your seat. Should I tap his shoulder and tell him straight up that I’m not interested? you thought to yourself. Deciding it was best to do it in order to avoid any more awkward encounters, you went to gently tap his shoulder and assure him you had a boyfriend. But before you could, the bell rang and everyone stood up and funneled out of the classroom. 

Jacob stood up from his seat and picked up the books on your desk, “I’ll carry your books to your car, m’lady.”

You awkwardly smiled at his pure intentions, “Um-thanks.”

He followed you out to the school parking lot, and the two of you searched for a black BMW. Alfred decided to take it upon himself to drive you to and from school way back in freshman year, but he had never been late before. You worried for a brief moment before checking your phone to see a text message from the man himself.

I’m very sorry, Miss. Y/N, but I will not be able to pick you up from school today. Master Bruce has requested that I help with the surveillance of the most recent mission. You can call for a taxi, and once you get home I will repay you the money. 

Alfred always types out the longest of text messages, and you laughed whenever he sent a paragraph to you about where the car is parked or asking what you would like from the grocery store. 

“So….no ride coming?” Jacob awkwardly bounced up and down on his heels.

“No, I guess not,” you smiled. Before you could tell him that you would call a taxi, he spoke quickly.

“Great! I’ll give you a ride home, then.” 

“You really don’t need to,” you tried to decline his offer, preferring a taxi or Uber rather than an extremely awkward ride home with the teenage boy.

“Nope. I do. Come on,” he carried your books to a silver car and put them in the backseat. He gently removed the backpack from your shoulder and put it next to the books. Then, he opened the passenger door to allow you to get inside. He was being awful chivalrous, which was kind, but it still made you uncomfortable. You almost felt as if you were leading him on, but then decided to speak your mind after he drove you home. It would definitely avoid a tense car ride.

Jacob pulled up to the Wayne Manor, then put the car in park. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, clearly hesitating to ask you something. 

You didn’t want to wait around to hear what it was. “Listen, Jaco-”

Before you could talk, he smashed his lips against yours and put his hand around the back of your hair. You attempted to pull away, but he pushed your head closer to his. Finally you pushed him off of you, furious at what he had done.

“Are you fucking serious right now?” You yelled at him.

He blinked a few times, confused, “What?”

“What?! You practically attacked me! I don’t even know you! I have a boyfriend!” You threw your arms in the air, bewildered and upset.

“Oh come on, we both know that I’m way better than whoever your boyfriend is,” he snarled, “I know you want it.”

You scoffed at him then opened the door to get out, but he grabbed your arm, “Wait-” he tried to stop you, but you broke out of his grip. You slammed the door and angrily marched towards the steps of the manor. 

“Your backpack!” he yelled from the window.

“Forget about it! Fuck you!” you didn’t bother to turn around and continued to walk towards the manor.

He turned his car into the driveway and threw your books and book bag out of the window, and into a puddle of water from the rainstorm the day before. You turned to see your stuff soaked in dirty water, and your math papers destroyed. Holding back tears, you turned away and walked into the front doors, slamming them behind you. 

This caused Tim to turn around from the TV and look at you. He had stayed home sick from school, and elected to watch HGTV shows instead. Springing up to his feet and dropping his blanket, he hurriedly walked towards you to ask what had happened. It would be a bad idea to tell anyone in this family, because even though Jacob was a cunt, you didn’t want to see him get beaten to a pulp. So you ignored Tim’s questions and sulked up the stairs with him following closely behind you. “Y/N-” he whispered sadly, as you slammed the door to your bedroom behind you.

The next morning, the sun shined brightly in your eyes, causing you to groan and pull the pillow over your head. You felt the pillow being pulled from your face, and saw Tims face, staring back down at you. “Y/N. Look, I understand if you don’t want to talk about whatever happened, but could you at least tell me who threw your backpack into the mud?” 

You rubbed your eyes and sat up, looking at your adoptive brother. With a gentle pat on his shoulder, you assured him, “Don’t worry about it. Really,” you made your best attempt to change the subject, “Are you feeling better?”

Tim noticed you dodging the question, but felt defeated. “Yeah. I’m definitely going to school today,” he said, eyeing you.

You could hear that his nose was still stuffy and noticed how red his eyes looked, but you knew it would be useless to argue with him. The two of you got dressed and ate breakfast, and Alfred then drove you both to school. He offered you back the taxi money, but you gently shook your head, “No thank you.”

Tim was noticeably walking way too close, and constantly checking your facial expression to ensure that you were alright. You appreciated how much he cared, but were starting to get a little annoyed. As the two of you walked through the halls, you noticed how everyone was turning their heads to look at you. Two of the cheerleaders even stopped their conversation, to look you up and down. At first you thought nothing of it, until a random boy came up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist. 

You flailed for a moment, being lifted by a boy twice your size, and let out a screech. 

“Me next! Me next!” the guy shouted, “Show Ricky what a bad girl you are! Are you as good at giving head as they say you are?”

Before you could elbow him in the face, Tim knocked the guy down and punched him in the face. You landed on the floor, sobbing as the entire school laughed at you. Once you looked up, past Tim pummeling the the asshole, past the cheerleaders, and past the security guards pushing through the crowds, you met eyes with Jacob, with a wide grin on his face. You knew what he did. And you knew what you needed to do.

It took 3 security guards, 4 of the biggest teachers, and 2 janitors to pull Tim off of the boy who grabbed his sister. Even when they all held him down at once, he was still giving them a run for their money. Eventually you both went to the office, then got sent home immediately. Bruce picked you up this time, and he was not as warm as Alfred would have been on the ride home. You and Tim sat in the backseat, sulking. Every once in awhile, you’d silently reach over and massage Tim’s knuckles, because you knew how sore they had to have been. 

When you all got back to the manor, Tim immediately went down to the batcave to get his hands bandaged by Alfred. Bruce sat in the massive living chair by the fireplace, seemingly distracted by how he’s meant to react to his daughter getting attacked and how quickly Tim lost his temper. The house really was silent.

You snuck up to your room, and dialed your boyfriend. You knew you weren’t meant to call him on missions, because you always distracted him too much. But before the first ring could even finish, he answered the phone call. 

“Hey princess,” his deep voice soothed your emotions.

“…hi,” You fought to hold back tears. You missed him so much.

“What’s wrong?!” His tone changed within seconds and you could almost hear his heart rate going up.

“Nothing….I just,” you started to cry, “I really really miss you, Jay.”

He stayed quiet for a moment, “Only two days,” he reassured you, “then I’ll be back. And you know what? We can watch your favourite movie and eat your favourite snacks- I’ll bring you back some candy from this place.”

“What place?”

“You know I’m not allowed to tell you until I’m home,” he sighed, “but maybe I’ll take you out to eat at that Italian restaurant you love so much…Alfonso’s?”

You smiled through your tears and played with the hem of your shorts, “I’d really like that.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Jason’s end of the call was quiet again, but he finally spoke, “Something else is wrong, baby.”

You stayed silent.

“What happened? You know you can tell me anything.” You heard his voice tense up, “Did someone hurt you?”

“Not exactly.”

“What do you mean by that?” He suddenly got worried.

“Jason I promise I would never ever cheat on you. You know that. This guy at school told everyone I had sex with him. Tim and I were walking in the hall-and-and- this guy- he just grabbed me…I-he,” your voice trailed off as you began to cry again.

Jason stayed quiet, but you could hear his heavy breathing.

“Please say something. Oh, Jay…please talk to me,” you begged through your tears.

“I’m coming home right now.” Then he ended the phone call. You threw your phone across the room and began to sob. He sounded so angry, but you couldn’t tell if it was towards you or the boy. Bruce barged into your room, his eyes wide in panic. You looked up at him, but then quickly away, ashamed.

He swiftly sat next to you on your bed and wrapped his arms around you as you cried gently into his shirt.

You heard a loud banging, waking you up. You sat up to look at your alarm clock; 2:46 a.m. The rain was pounding against the glass window, so you just assumed the storm was causing the loud noises. Again, you heard a loud bang, but then a booming voice coming from downstairs. You hastily grabbed an old baseball bat that Dick once gave you for moments exactly like this one, and you ran to see what was happening.

Instead of being met by a criminal, Jason was standing in the middle of the entrance room, drenched in rain. Water was dripping from his hair onto the marble floor. Alfred stood next to him in a robe, trying to calm him down. Bruce and Jason were arguing, loud enough to wake people up on the other side of Gotham. When you stepped down the stairs, they all stopped to look at you. Jason dropped his duffle bag on the floor and opened his arms to you. Swiftly, you ran down the stairs and leaped into them, wrapping your arms around his neck and breathing in his cologne. He lifted you from the floor and squeezed you, unaware of his own strength. You didn’t dare complain; though. You longed for this hug for two months, now. 

After what seemed like an eternity, Jason put you down and held your face, staring deeply into your eyes. “Princess, I need you to tell me exactly who this boy is, okay? Do you know where he is?” He spoke so gently, so sweetly, about something so terrible that he was about to do.

Bruce intervened by putting his arm between the two of you, “No, Jason,” he scolded.

Jason’s soft demeanor vanished and he became hostile, “Look what he fucking did to her! The fact that you have done nothing but sat on your ass since this happened doesn’t fucking surprise me,” he spat.

Bruce remained calm but you could see that the words bothered him, “You can’t go around killing teenagers, Jason.”

Jason narrowed his eyes, “Joker did.”

Bruce’s eyes grew, then he shut them tightly, shaking his head. “Alright. As long as you don’t kill him,” Bruce demanded.

Jason hesitated, before nodding. Then he looked back at you, and his face was filled with a terribly sad emotion. Not anger. Not frustration. It was guilt. 

He planted a kiss on your forehead, then took your chin into his hand, gently pushing it upwards to look at him, “I’ll be right back.” He then took a chocolate bar out of the pocket of his jacket and put it in your hand. Before you could say anything, he was walking out of the door and into the storm.

masterlist

[unproduciblesmackdown]

here’s me talking about the month since i was last online

firstly it was/is depressing not to be able to talk with ppl or hear from them. or just to be able to talk somewhere i know people CAN hear. i also mentioned being completely detached from the news. i like to be current about the news. anyways i was like “well not like this is anything new” as its technically unusual for me to NOT be cut off both irl and from the internet. but, shockingly, that doesnt make it not depressing. and having something for even a bit makes it more frustrating to lose it even if its “normal” for you not to have it. also by depressing i mean i was going like hmm i sure am even more tired than usual and i am less interested in my few lingering faint interests. whats up with that! and then i was like oh yeah thats called Even More Depression

it is funny because im someone who has never really had that many friends and when i do we often end up separated one way or another. Very Close friends &/or Very Longtime friends are a foreign concept. basically the heights of my “what i wish it was like” for life involve having a group of friends with whom you can have fun in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night just talking and hanging out and messing around. friends that you feel comfortable being yourself around and like they appreciate you as much as you do them. i do not think this is ever going to happen, but oh well because in reality i can be very picky about people because i am weird, to put it that way for now. my social landscape and language is not always considered normal or even tolerable. and i have a lot of standards for who i want to have around me in terms of traits and personality. theres a lot of things im not interested in. anyways. i also just, in the way things actually are, often prefer to be alone, so that i can be myself and do things i feel like. i dont have to worry about being strange or feeling like i need to please people. anyways. unfortunately i dont ONLY like being alone. i actually really like to be with people and talk with them but i rarely can, and i figure this is bad for me. isolation isnt good for anyone obviously. not being able to be around friends in person depresses me. not being able to talk online either depresses me further.

i think sometimes about how much i dont say. its a funny place to say it, in an overly long text post. but one of the reasons they can be so long is because irl i dont really talk much to people. so it builds up and can come out through writing. sometimes it comes out in talking. i think that in conversations, when i do talk, i talk too much because of this. so one of the reasons i dont talk much is to prevent this, which obviously is like “well that would just cancel out” but there are other reasons i dont talk. but i have loads of thoughts and things to say. i end up keeping so much of it to myself and wonder sometimes if i’ll ever get to say some of it. sometimes i’ll have something to say and bite it back. i’ve been “quiet” all these past twenty some years of talking and i know the reasons i dont talk. i was thinking about the feeling of biting something back in an individual occasion feeling like the cumulation of all the years worth of keeping my own voice running in my head alone. it kind of feels like what you want to say is in your chest and throat and the roof of your mouth.

speaking of the roof of your mouth, theres a weird sensation i can feel sometimes, seemingly at random but mostly in strange times like trying to fall asleep. it is so transient and unlike any actual externally caused sensations that its been difficult to try to get a grasp of how to describe it, but i think i have it thanks to ongoing effort and an unusually long period of it a few days ago during which i was especially alert about it. it’s like having a pressure radiating out from inside your mouth. like an orb pushing outwards against the teeth and roof of the mouth. which i’m fairly sure isn’t anything that would ever happen, so i am assuming its some little neurological hiccup that happens to align every now and then, but maybe a previous life cycle has put something weird in their mouth. or shot into it, because i would be like, well not much has changed.

anyways. words sitting like a pressure in your mouth. i was seeing a thread about how grief is ongoing and reoccurring which also mentioned that people who specialize in knowing how grieving and living with it works often consider it to be a form of grief when someone’s life is affected by something like trauma. they have to grieve themselves because of the possibilities taken away from them. i feel that, sometimes. thinking about how i wish i had a life where i felt free to speak and where my identity mattered and i got to feel like i could be myself and it was important and it was important what i thought and wanted and who i really was. and where i got to have friends and do things and realize what it was to actually feel happy, not try to understand an unhappy existence as what must be okay. its not just what couldve been in the past, but also how that couldve affected the present and future. im not sure who i’d be if my life didnt have to be about survival and escape. i say i never had dreams, which is true, but in retrospect i DO think that when i was fifteen and really bearing down in trying to figure out what i wanted to do, i was already seeing activism as the answer, which made sense why it wouldnt register as a dream or ambition and why it was also impossible to pursue. i still dont think of anything like personal fulfillment through a career/job or anything. but i also dont think of what i want to do as very relevant to anything at all anymore.

anyways. i’m “used” to things, but they still depress and hurt me. i actually have a lot of sadness and anger about some of these things, like never getting to have the friends i wanted or never being able to speak and it not mattering who i really was, and how long it took me to realize this really wasn’t okay and it wasn’t because of some personal deficiency which made me deserve it somehow. also the abuse. i remember i had this how-to book about weaving friendship bracelets which i got sometime in elementary school, and it even supplied some twine and stuff. i had always wanted to have occasion to use it, and i never did, which is just symbolic. the twine/potential friendship bracelets can also be things like positive social connections that feel real and open, or my ability to feel secure in expressing affection because it seems mutual. but anyways. i also just go along.

i was thinking about the Being Gone For A Month thing and the not-talking and holding all my words back even though i think so much about all sorts of junk and thus have too much to say, and about a week ago i just spent like six hours writing about myself. i was debating doing so in the first place because i figured i wouldnt post it. i did write it, but i won’t post it. its just good to talk to myself in the form of writing. getting thoughts into that form requires an extra level of analysis and coherent flow that can help put even things you already knew more in order. so here’s this stuff instead.

there’s not much to say about this past month. the worst of it was that discovering my weird tooth is all janky and broken has made me on edge about teeth. i mean, i’ve already all but stopped worrying about the broke tooth, because i kind of do that sometimes when i can. just worry hard and then stop, because what can you do? might as well try to avoid stressing even worse. and in this case i dont have money and doubt i will ever have a job w dental coverage, so i cant do anything about it. but im always worried about my teeth because, fittingly, my parents dental genes seem to combine into that of a tasmanian devil. i think im in some Dental Report b/c i had this weird situation that needed basically a root canal but it wasnt the normal kind of root canal situation and the dentist said he hadn’t seen it or heard of it even. special. i was horrified about needing the root canal, because of the clichés. but it ended up being fine and i really just sat there for an hour thinking about whatever. dental procedures are truly not what theyre hyped up to be. on account of local anesthetics. anyways. when i left my parents house i was specifically worried about leaving my access to a dentist, but obviously it wouldve been far from worth it. but that doesn’t mean i dont worry about my teeth. so i had these few days where i just had a spontaneously sensitive gum spot and another one which im guessing i caused by jamming corn shards down in there by eating corn on the cob. that happened sort of last year, i got really worried about an angry-looking spot on my gums and finally realized something was just up in there that needed to be flossed out. anyhow. the point is i got overly worried about everything that always worries me even though it used to worry me even before going to the dentist and they’d say the stuff was fine actually. but still. i got

very worried for a minute there and i realized very easily that if i start getting any really serious tooth problems i am out of here. i have no motivation at all to live through it. i don’t want to have to deal with that. it’s way too much. i dont even have motivation to be alive now. but when i was worrying i was thinking about not using my handful of cash to change locations, but instead to get some fancy Dying Equipment. there are still some methods by which im not sure i could try offing myself. but if things got a lot worse, like teeth problems, i could probably lower those standards. i COULD obtain some items for one method, or by necessity do it for free. im less worried about the tooth stuff now. it was just an unfortunate convergence of a couple tiny things. but ive still got a sensitive spot or two, and im always a bit worried. if something bad happens i cant do anything about it except get tf out of this life cycle, right.

there was something else unfortunate i was going to talk about. maybe just the depression.

there were nice, small things. i always knew how to enjoy those kinds of stuff. i like the sky, and i appreciate that its summer. theres a lot of fireflies sometimes and i saw kittens chasing them one day. one of those kittens mightve gotten killed by something since. i got to hear rain on the roof a few times. i like corn on the cob even if it betrayed me. i was wanting some last summer. i also got to make sweet tea and lemonade for the first time in forever. i’d been wanting that for a long time too.

the nicest surprise was that i had been writing extra hard since the start of june. i sort of really pushed at it and got to the dividing point between the section and the next, and i was sure it was shorter than previous sections. but actually it was just over 1000 words short of being 140k, and i’d written it all in about five weeks, and it was abt 22.5% longer than the next longest section i’d written. i’ve since gotten to a point i’ve been writing towards since this whole time, and im right on the verge of another long awaited one right now. it’s nice, but writing has been fun, and i hope i dont get depressed if i hopefully do finish it. i can just write some more, but doing so on my phone isnt the most efficient. it doesnt seem sustainable.

anyways thats it for now before i can think of anything else to say am i right

[moldypieceoflasagna]

36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe. 

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth. 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions  would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

 i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity  @drawinintherain )

[all-cursed]

BOBO DEL REY : BIOGRAPHY

[    i.    STATS   ]

NAME.  bobo del rey , also known as robert svane . 

AGE. somewhere around 171; number provided via mathematics i did between a combination of the actors’ ages and doc’s mentions of his age/how long he was stuck in the well . the math may or may not be correct and i honestly don’t care enough to try and do it again .

DOB.  september 23, exact year unknown .

GENDER. cis male  :  prefers he/him or they/them pronouns .

PREF. pansexual

SPECIES.  human turned revenant .

RESIDENCE.  the  ghost  river  triangle  .

OCCUPATION. outside his stint as the owner of Shorty’s, his financial endeavours tend to be a little more under the table .

ETHNICITY.  swedish, danish, norwegian... most of his blood comes from that general area .

[    ii.     INTROSPECTION    ]

POSITIVE TRAITS.   resolute ,  patient (how else would someone spend over fifteen years trying to find some lady’s dead children bones) ,  passionate ,   dedicated ,  perceptive ,   eloquent .

NEUTRAL TRAITS.  quick-witted ,  clever ,  irreverent , amoral .

NEGATIVE TRAITS.  hedonistic , short tempered , unforgiving , apathetic toward most things , self-interested (not quite the word i was looking for but when he sets his mind to a goal/decides that someone is in his inner circle, he’ll do anything to achieve/protect said things even to the detriment of others and this word is the closest i could find) .

DISLIKES. being rushed  &  law enforcement & comic books & ignorance/ignorant people & being under someone else’s authority  & having to repeat himself & hell flashbacks &  poker games &  cheap alcohol; he’ll drink it but he has a heavy preference toward the pricier stuff & interruptions of any sort & having to switch things up mid-plan & having to rely on others for anything & most sweets & neon colours &  thinking about his past & being cornered .

LIKES. expensive liquors &  lounging in the sun &  birds & organic materials for clothing; so furs, leathers, metals, etc. & accessorising (the amount of rings and bracelets alone that he has squirreled away is insane) &  neutral and earth tone colours & having all eyes on him/being able to give off a commanding presence &  at the same time he also values his privacy &  physical activities and how he feels after doing them & getting in the last word &  dawn or dusk walks & burning incense & avant garde jazz & 'experimental’ fashion (look at this man’s outfits in this show and tell me i’m wrong) & cigarettes and bourbon & flirting & the ocean .

HOBBIES. chess & puzzle boxes/rings &  origami & wood whittling & walks on the outskirts of town & he journals but it’s less for fun and more to keep track of everything he has going on & learning things .

WEAKNESSES. he has a hard time garnering any sort of sympathy for anyone/anything outside of his inner circles/soft spots & willa earp is one of his weaknesses because of how important she is to him and i will die on this hill & his short temper & his amorality means that his loyalties can and often do shift which leaves him with few he can steadily count on .

STRENGTHS. has a way about him that makes networking and forming connections extremely easy for him &  can be very persuasive when need be & once he sets his mind on a plan/task it takes a lot to get him to give up on it & has the ability to play the long game; isn’t impatient for results right away .

HABITS. he’s very expressive with his hands; like, very expressive &  will stroke his beard when he’s deep in thought (or pretending to be) & that thing he does where he kind of clacks his teeth together like he’s biting the air?? look he does it multiple times and i still don’t know how to describe it & has a habit of staring at people  &  leans back or lounges in chairs whenever possible & when nervous/thoughtful he’ll chew at the edges of his fingernails and/or spin the rings on his fingers .

EDUCATION. before he became a revenant, he was fairly well educated; about as well educated as anyone could be back then. he finished school and while he didn’t go to college, he did a lot of book reading before everything with wyatt began to get out of control. the fascination with/desire to learn about the world followed him even when he became a revenant - though often, his research now is done with an intention to learn information that might serve him well in the future.

[  iii.     APPEARANCE     ]

FACECLAIM.  the beautiful michael eklund .

HEIGHT.  6 ‘ 0 ” .

EYES. a keen, watchful cobalt blue at most times - though when in use of his powers, or simply when he chooses to let them appear, his eyes will glow a fiery golden orange ringed with black . dark circles beneath them , long eyelashes, and generally a look that seems like it can pierce your soul .

EYEBROWS.   fairly average , again , there isn’t much to say about eyebrows . though small parts of his are white to match the partially white patch in his beard .

HAIR.  generally kept short in various mohawk styles ;  can be slightly wavy at times depending on the humidity in the air .  he keeps it short in such a manner that makes it easy to keep it styled , either smoothed back or shaped into a simple mohawk . there have been phases in his life where his hair grew out messy and long - dark brown streaked with white . if i recall, for a while after his return from Hell it was entirely white - whether from his own doing or from some effect of Hell I’m not sure yet.

SCARS.  a few long scars run down his back parallel to the curvature of his spine; they glow when in the presence of peacemaker or when he’s allowing his more demonic features to show . he has a variety of other scars; one faint one that slashes through one eye that is barely noticeable now; several across his abdomen and chest , some from bullets and some from sharper edges than those . he also sports scars from a knife that went through his hand and in certain verses , he has scars from the really nasty impaling he dealt with when fighting with jeremy and doc . 

DRESSING STYLE.  experimental . he tends to lean toward materials like leather or furs or metals (in the case of his jewelry anyway) . it’s not all he wears but it’s definitely the case with his favourite clothing items (the fur coat, leather pants, etc.) . tends to lean toward neutral or earthy tones and isn’t much for flashy , bright colours . wears lots of accessories as well , primarily rings and bracelets but also pendants on occasion .

LIPS.  i really don’t know how to describe lips, i’m sorry , lol . 

SKIN.  lightly tanned from time spent out in the sun ; he has an average but leanly muscled build , not overly hairy but not quite smooth either . pays careful attention to his facial hair and makes sure to take decent care of it . most of his body is covered in scars , some more noticeable than others , some verse dependent , but every version of him has quite a few regardless . 

CHEEKS. average cheekbones , doesn’t blush easily or often . 

[    iv.     ABILITIES    ]

LANGUAGES SPOKEN. english  [ fluent ] ,  latin  [ a bit here and there ] , swedish [ a few phrases ] .

THREAT LEVEL.  moderate to high .

WEAPONS.  he can and does use anything around him as a weapon when needed . he isn’t afraid to get down and dirty - or play unfair .  that said , he is fond of simply using his own two hands to inflict the damage he needs to inflict . that or his magic powers . 

MAGIC. he has control over anything metal ; that means he can send anything metal coming at him - bullets , knifes, etc. - back at the other person or wherever he so wishes , amongst other things. generally speaking, if you’re on bobo’s bad side , you do not want to enter his presence with anything metallic on your person .

[   v.   DETAILS   ]

➣➣ little is known about bobo’s younger years as robert svane - his family, etc. - and he sure as fuck isn’t going to tell anyone unless you’re very close . what is known is that he was a fairly quiet student and person in general, and got through school with little to no problems. chances were he had a fairly average childhood .  

➣➣ later on down the line, robert svane - as bobo was previously known - met wyatt earp and the two of them became fairly close friends. while he didn’t spend as much time actively in the field as wyatt or doc holliday did, he and wyatt stayed in close touch and spent time together in town often.  when wyatt left the area on one mission or another, the two would correspond via letters from wherever robert happened to be at the time. 

➣➣ then things began to go downhill. the nonstop snowballing of bad luck culminated in a battle between wyatt earp and the demon sheriff clootie - who took robert to use as a human shield. dedicated to the same cause and beliefs that wyatt held, robert told him to take the shot regardless, even though it would mean the bullet would go through him first. wyatt did. robert ended up in the local church nearby alone after that - perhaps on a search for help for his injuries - and bleeding out. 

➣➣ before dying, the demon clootie had cast a curse on the earp family - and on those killed by the earps, which meant that when he died, robert would be damned to hell along with the rest of the victims of peacemaker. one of the demon’s brides, constance, who told him such news, said that doc holliday - who was currently trapped in a well - had the third seal of bulshar’s entombment and that if robert went to the well, he could trick doc into giving him the ring. in the end, doc refused to give up the ring that gave him his own immortality and instead of rescuing him, robert, bitter of wyatt’s loyalty to doc first and foremost, left him in the well. as such, he eventually died (in wynonna’s arms.... yeah there’s a whole other flashback thing i’m not going into here), and was sent to hell.

➣➣ as foretold, he came back as a revenant. the years in hell had worn him down and down until very little of his former virtues remained above surface, all dormant and buried. somewhere along the line, ward earp became the heir. when waverly earp was born - to another father, but with the same mother - bobo came across them and, thinking waverly was the angel who had been with him when he died, kept his word to protect her, following her mother’s wishes and taking her to ward. he ordered ward to take care of waverly, and that if he ever harmed her, he would answer to bobo. 

➣➣ bobo kept watch on the earp family for some time afterward, eventually becoming waverly’s ‘imaginary friend’. around this time he decided to strike a deal with ward: bobo would make sure that the earp family remained safe but only if ward crossed the Ghost River Triangle border with him, effectively freeing bobo from the confinements of purgatory. ward agreed, but was accidentally shot during a raid on the homestead by the other revenants. the next heir was set to be willa, who was dragged away by revenants - revenants that bobo stopped in order to protect willa, who he hid away in a treehouse where the others wouldn’t find her. he watched over her as she grew, along with - unfortunately - constance clootie, whom he still needed to work with.

➣➣ unfortunately, clootie eventually erased all of willa’s memories and hid her away from bobo, in essence forcing him to work for her in order to ever see willa again, and, consequently, to be able to escape the Ghost River Triangle. it’s around this timeframe that the events of 1x01 begin to happen.

             [ MORE TO COME THROUGHOUT                                               CHARACTERIZATION DEVELOPMENT ]

[chasekimberly1994]

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[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

INFP 4w5 back :) Thanks for answering things! I'm sorry I didn't give enough information to actually have you help me - I will do so now! I am 24. I love reading stories, both for the emotional connection to characters, and then fun of imagining myself in their adventures (I mainly read fiction). I am an artist and a writer - I do so because I enjoy expressing my views, experiences, and insights in beautiful/interesting/creative ways. I also love the act of creating in general - my mind is very

INFP cont: busy, and it helps me either slow that down or connect my brain to my body (I admittedly spend way more time in my head, but working with my hands and brain at the same time helps me feel connected to the outside world). 

So before I go on: this was a very long ask and I will therefore be ‘interrupting’ throughout in bold for my typing logic rather than rephrasing stuff down at the bottom.

Placing yourself in the story: that’s often the goal of stories anyway (and why self-insert is a whole thing) but it is consistent with Fi. Self-expression is something a lot of people like but it is particularly important to 4s. Brain-body connection as described here makes me think more Ne-Si axis but it’s hard for me to quite articulate why so...don’t quote me.

I like hanging out with my family and close friends - I hate being in crowds or in the spotlight. I find them overstimulating but also boring and I don't know what to do with body or what to say.

Pretty consistent for introverts who are intuitive (not just introverts who are intuitive but I’m going into this assuming it’s an INFP vs. INFJ thing unless I see blatant evidence for high Si or Se which so far I don’t.

I love being in nature - this is a new thing though, noticing nature for itself has only started happening since I was 20. I always liked the way it made me feel but didn't pay much attention to it in a sensory way until recent years. Now I love how peaceful and happy it makes me, how physically beautiful it is, but also all the ideas it generates in me - I think everything in nature is a symbol for something and it so fun trying to guess what those things are, or to make art out of things I find in the woods.

Could be either Ne-Si or Ni-Se for what it is; the age of onset is making me think tertiary sensing, plus the guessing the symbol rather than being more decisive makes me think Ne.

I also really love history and fantasy. History because I ideloize old ways of doing things (like gardening, pioneering, etc) ideal and exciting. I try to incorperate those things into my life and would like to be a homesteader or live in a bus one day, because it feels really free, and also I think connects us back to the way humans are meant to live.

Idolization of an idealized past is often weaker Si (nostalgia/sentimentality are often low Si things, contrary to popular belief that it’s higher Si. Seriously, talk to the average ESTJ, they have no nostalgia unless something changed drastically for the less efficient.)

I care a lot about people and social justice, but it tires me out, so I don't actually spend a lot of time engaging. I like listening to my friends and helping them sort out their feelings. I used to be really bad at DOING things for my friends, but I started to realize it was hurting them, so I am trying more and more to not just be a listening ear, but actively engage in their lives. I'm always torn between wanting to help people and make the world a better place, and just being free and doing what I want and find life giving.

At this point I’m already as you can tell leaning towards INFP much more. This also seems more INFP, with your Fi slowly realizing and maturing to a point where you are better able to care for others and meet them on their terms rather than your own.

I think A LOT, and I am very interested in understanding theories, concepets, anazlying people.

All intuitives like concepts, and while I dislike the assertion that introspection is the sole purview of introverts or intuitives, they definitely do it a lot.

Why I'm wondering if I might be an INFJ instead of an INfP? Mainly because two people I respect mentioned they thought I might be.

Yeah...without more than just “caring & empathetic” I wouldn’t put too much weight on it.

I had always thought I was just an INFP (MAYBE an ISFP, but I don't feel like a doer enough or in touch enough with the physical world - other then finding it super beautiful and day dreaming about it).

I’d agree, I’m really not getting much Se from your asks.

But they specifically thought my Fe seems very high - I am emotionally expressive, I care a lot for others, and I'm very sensitive to the emotional feel of people/places/situations.

So, sensitive to the emotional feel and emotional expressiveness are just feeler things. Without rephrasing the whole Fi/Fe post I always refer back to, I find that while high Fi users’ feelings tend to come from a more internalized place sometimes or are less typical in some of their reactions, they still are pretty emotionally expressive especially compared to your average thinker. There are a lot of very reserved IxFJs and very expressive IxFPs and the uneven stereotypes of constantly crying INFPs/IxFJs hiding their emotions for the sake of harmony hammer that point home.

I also tend to get hunches about situations and people, like what might happen or that I should/shouldn't do something, or about why someone is upset/happy, and am right pretty often (is that maybe dom Ni? with some Fe? or is that also Ne?)

Hunches can be anything; intuition is specifically preferring them over physical evidence (sensing is the opposite, so sensors often ignore their hunches if there’s evidence otherwise). Hard to tell because hunches are also related to thin slicing in neuroscience which is just a brain thing. Also this can be Si that you don’t realize is working - like, you’ve seen it before, but don’t consciously realize it.

I also wonder if my constant thinking and trying to figure things out (like obsessively trying to figure out my type) is Ti?

Eh, humans are curious and we all like to think. Ti is a specific approach to logic that for some reason got credit for way more (hint it was David Keirsey)

And I love talking about my feelings and am very comfy with it, which apparently lots of INFPs aren't?

Some aren’t, some are, see stuff above re: emotional expressiveness.

I also avoid conflict in public - I don't avoid it at all with my family, I avoid it moderately with good friends, and won't get into public debates. However, I will speak up in public if I think someone is doing something really wrong.

Could be enneagram 9 which is pretty common in Fi doms; it’s also just part of upbringing, that it’s not polite to start an argument in a lot of social situations, but okay with people you’re close with or if it’s something egregious.

I feel like I have a hard time expressing my opinions well verbally (Im fine writing), and it makes me afraid I won't say what I actually mean, and I also am afraid of the rage I feel in conflict and don't want to hurt others feelings by unleashing that.

W/r/t expression, that sort of conflicts with some of the emotional expressiveness you’d mentioned earlier, but either way tracks more with introversion than anything else. Fear of strong anger makes me wonder if you’ve enneatyped yourself correctly, though obviously I can’t tell if it’s your greatest fear. But I’d take a seriously look at 9 gut fixes.

I also don't like people trampling on my beliefs, so often just won't express them with those I'm not real close to. But I've read that high Fi users don't avoid conflict, and high Fe users do? And I am very willing to consider other people's points of view and MAYBE change my opinion, but thats pretty rare. I'm also a very empathetic listener - I think before speaking, ask good questions, and make noises to assure them im listening, which Ive also read is Fe. is that enough info?

Not liking people trampling on beliefs is pretty universal - even people who behave in an extreme doormat way usually don’t particularly like it deep down. For conflict avoidance see notes on enneagram 9. Openness to other points of view could come from Ne seeing different options, or Fi accepting other’s opinions as being able to coexist with your own usually; it’s also just a healthy adult thing to do regardless of type. Same goes for listening - those are all learned skills and so ask yourself if you did those when you were younger. I did mostly by the time I was 24 but I sure didn’t when I was 17, whereas people with higher feeling, and to some extent higher Fe more than Fi, tend to pick those up a bit more naturally and therefore earlier.

ah one last thing! I take a very long time to make descions - I want to make sure I'm doing/getting the best/right thing. which also seems not very INFP?

Not sure where you got that idea - indecisiveness until you know the optimum response is EXTREMELY INFP. Specifically Ne.

And I get very afraid of not having the idealized visions and dreams of the future I crave - I'm okay with the exact details being flushed out over time, but there are general dreams I will not give up. I've read thats more Ni then Ne?

It is but given the context of everything else, I think this can come from Fi if you see those dreams as identity, and ultimately everyone has goals and dreams.

Oh shit, thought of more things. I SUCK at finishing things - it takes crazy hard work for me to finish a project. I just get... bored and move on. Or procrastinate because other things are more interesting in the moment. But I'm also fairly academic and analytical - can INFP's be that? I find it very stimulating and when Im interested in a topic I want to learn EVERYTHING about it and understand it fully. And I hate when I have a mental problem that I can't solve. I will obsess.

INFPs can be analytical but it’s not your primary way of going about the world (nor is it for INFJs for that matter). Do you like it a lot in specific, lower-pressure contexts (say, academia)? That can be you exploring lower functions. It’s worth considering how you go about being analytical, and whether it seems more Te or Ti. The unsolved problem issue also depends on context, and learning everything can be Ne wanting all the information to fuel a very divergent thought process.

INFP 1,000: And I forgot the thing. I also orgionally started questioning because of my love for sensing things - I love physical beauty in home decor, nature, clothes, etc, and I love being in nature. When I was a teen and very stressed/unwell I overindulged in sensory things like sex/food/drinking/cutting, because it made me feel alive. In the same way now, engaging my senses in healthy ways makes me feel alive. But I do feel pretty crap at it. Which made me wonder if I had inferior Se.

OK so this isn’t directed at you but good lord does inferior Se get almost as much of a mythical out of proportion blow-out as dom Ni. A lot of inferior Se-credited unhealthy behaviors, while definitely present in dom Ni users, are also fairly universal. Namely, all the sensory things you mention will lead to endorphin rushes (hence the feeling alive - it’s brain chemistry) and all are pretty common coping mechanisms for depression, anxiety, or stress to the point that two of them are on the PHQ-9 depression screening. You would be hard pressed to find someone who’d never indulged in at least one under stress, and most people have indulged in several. This has been my PSA that typing based on inferior Se behaviors is a dangerous game for exactly that reason.

Anyway: overall, I see strong evidence for INFP and I’d look at enneagram 9 for some of the more conflict avoidant parts; perhaps more than 4 even though it could just be a strong 9 gut-fix as the second part of your tritype, and maybe a 5 head fix for the analytical stuff. Unless you have more details on the people who typed you INFJ I can’t really refute their arguments,but I see much more INFP for the reasons above.

[ssquared2018]

Hi I was going through the Jaylos tag and saw your post, if you feel up to it would you mind writing my prompt? My prompt is : Jay and Carlos have been together for a long time and have adopted a child and now they are going back to the isle so the "grandparents" can know/meet them. I was wondering what nerves would they have? Especially Carlos with how badly his mother treated him in the past?

(THIS IS ACTUALY MY FIRST EVER ASK AND PROMPT SO THANK YOU, hopefully i can figure out how to respond [hopefully im doing it right])Writer Notes: So i decided to do a sort of prequel to this prompt. I really love it and its an interesting concept, one that ive actually thought a lot about this a lot (minus the kid). If you enjoy the way the story is going just send me an ask to continue and id be happy to. BTW im really bad at picking names so while i was writing i just wrote *insert name* when i was mentioning the kids name so i apologize if his name seems out of context. Also i suck at writing even though i love doing it so sorry in advance. But with out further a due…..

GRANDPARENTS part 1/(?)

          It’s been 15 years since they were off the Isle. None of them have thought of going back, thought they finally put that place being them. The rotten four were now living together with a new addition to the family, Jaden, Jay’s and Carlos’ son. Though the four of them raised him together it was Jay’s and Carlos’ who decided they were ready to further their relationship by having a child, asking Evie to be a sergeant. Jaden loved having two moms and two dad, he always got more toy than the other kids in daycare did and because of how cool his parents where he knew things that the other kids didn’t, like how to pickpocket some. Jay taught him that on his 4th birthday, much to Carlos’ annoying not only did he have to deal with his husband sneaking things out his pocket but now he had a kid who would steal his phone to play games on. Carlos always knew he was picking his pocket but never had the heart to tell him, he hated seeing his son upset. Which is why when Jaden comes home from school one day a little less happy Carlos was the first to catch on to it.         “Hey kiddo, how was school today?” Carlos said as Jaden and Jay walked through the front door and into the dining room. Before Jay went to the kitchen to grab some food after kissing Carlos on the cheek.         “It..was okay.”he responded with a notable pause before sitting down at the table to start his homework.           “Oh, really? Just ‘okay’? What did you do today?” Noticing something wrong Carlos got up and moved to sit next to his son at the table. There was a pause before the kid responded, noticeably trying to focus on the homework in front of him, when did first grade start sending home math problems??

          “Yeah. It was okay.” Jaden finally responded not looking up from the paper in front of him, “We had to make a family tree today. Mine was smaller than the other kids, since I only have two moms and two dads. Other kids have a bunch of people in there family.”

          Carlos felt a lump in his throat he new where this conversation was headed, luckily Jay had came back to join them. He knew that one of Carlos’ fears about parenting was that they would turn out to be like their parents. Mal shared the same concern, not trusting her own bad nature around young kids. Evie had soon reminded them that they were nothing like their parents, at least not any more. They all knew this but it was still a fear that haunted them.

           “Well how did having a small family make you feel?” Carlos said as Jay sat down next to him at the table slowly coming to realize what they were talking about.             “I like having a small family.” Jaden said with a cheerful grin, “Just.. the other kids were talking about how their grandparents would take them out and spend time with them. I just kind of wish I met my grandparents, even if they aren’t the best people. Maybe they would want to spend time with me too.” he finished starting to put his books away.            Jay gripped Carlos’ thigh under the table seeing the noticeable sadness in his face. They were starting to regret having a kid who started reading at 4. It was too early for him to be able to express these kinds of emotions. Though, kids at the age of 6 often did envy the other kids around them. Especially when their family isn’t the most nuclear.

           As Jaden left the dining room Jay and Carlos knew they needed to have a talk about the conversation they just had. “What are we going to do about this?” Jay was the first to speak up, attempting to prevent Carlos of reverting to his old habits of internalizing all of his emotions.

         “Lets just wait for the girls to come home. We need to talk about this together.” Carlos said looking up to meet Jays eye, “I think it’s time to tell him about them. It might be time to go home.” With that Carlos got out of his chair and headed into the living room, and began to clean.

 ———–

         A few hours later Mal and Evie walked into the house together. Carlos was curled up on the couch in Jay’s arms, they had finally gotten Lil Jay to sleep and were relaxing. “Hey losers.” Mal said before kissing both of them on the cheek and sitting down next to Carlos. Carlos sat up from his position on Jay just as Evie planted herself in the love seat that was perpendicular to the couch, not caring to ‘sit like a lady’. “We need to talk about our son.” Carlos said not wasting any time. All the faces in the room dropped immediately as they all got up and went to the dining room. They had decided early on that when it came time to make important decisions that they would all sit together at the table and talk about it this way all of them would be forced to face the problem rather than running from it like their teenage selves did. 

          “So is someone gonna tell us what happened?” Evie said not bothering to wait til they were seated. She knew by her friends expressions that nothing had happened to him but their looks also told her it was something to be worried about, so she was.

           “He asked about our parents. He wants to meet them, or at least wishes that he could have.” Jay says knowing Carlos, while often very vocal, didn’t have it in him to talk. 

          Mal’s and Evie’s faces both went stern. “What do you mean he asked about them?” Mal questioned with a hint of aggression.

         “In school they were doing a family tree. Which lead to some of the children telling stories about their grandparents.” Jay said not bothering to go into much detail knowing the girls were smart enough to figure the rest out.       The room fell silent. None of them knew what to say. On one hand they could just reassure their son that he’s better off not knowing his grandparents, or they could actually tell their son about them and risk him wanting to know more. With many other VKs coming over from the isle it wasn’t hard telling Jaden that they too were born over there, but neither of them went into details about what happened on the isle. But with a father that has the last name DeVil and your mothering saving the kingdom from her your grandmother it wasn’t hard to figure out who exactly your parents were related to. This was often enough for him not to ask many questions, he knew his grandparents were evil and that his parents and other kids came to Auradon because they didn’t want to be. ‘Goddamn school always ruining everything.’ Jay thought to himself, waiting for someone to break the silence.       “I think we should tell him about them. About what they did.” Carlos spoke up, “And if he still wants to meet them than we take him over there.”        The others looked at him in shock not expecting that solution to come out of his mouth. “But C, do you really think it’s a good idea to expose him to that?” Evie said sitting up in her seat and leaning her body on the table.      “He deserves to know his roots. It isn’t like he’ll have to grow up there, we’ll be there with him. None of us have went soft while being in Auridon, hell Mal works out twice a week. And the kid already knows how to sword fight.” Carlos said with agitation in his voice, “It’s the worse case scenario any way. I just wonder if we’re ready to stop running and finally face our parents.”

       Another pause. They all new they weren’t but that they needed to. They were 32 years old and still found themselves waking up from nightmares and having panic attacks in the supermarket. When they first came off the isle and defeated Maleficent all they did was run after that. Even when they went to save Ben from Uma, who was now a close friend, they did whatever it took to avoid their parents, all except for Mal of course. Til this day the four of them wondered how their parents would react to seeing them again. Would Jafar still try to make Jay steal for him or would he just attack him. Does Evil Queen still care if Evie doesn’t have a prince? How would she react to knowing that instead of a prince she had a wife, and he two best friends? Would Cruella still expect Carlos to look after her furs? Would she attempt to take advantage of Jaden? Another one of Carlos’ fears, his son being subjected to Cruella’s torture. He couldn’t count how many times he woke up from a dream where he was unable to save the boy from that fate. These were the worse nights.      “I agree with Carlos” Mal spoke up, reaching a reassuring hand out to the previously names boy. “It’s time. I know I no longer have to worry about my mother, since she died in lizard form a few years ago, but it still something that we need to deal with. Whether or not we decide to take Jaden to the isle we should talk to him about them, and take a visit there ourselves. You guys deserve closure. Besides we’re adults now and their old people. We have each other and could easily kick their asses.” With this the group laughed all silently agreeing. They sat there for a few hours discussing how they were going to address this to their son. They would be exposing him to years of their person torture. This both made them scared it would scar him and change his perception of them. Hopefully he wouldn’t want to meet them, but if he did they were ready for it. Or where they…