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#im never going to be able to think about anything ever again
adriennebarnes · 2 days
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hi! i loved Drive Thru Test and i was wondering if you'd actually write charles calling y/n his girlfriend and then her not wearing the ring. i think that would just be really funny and he'd be so cute whining. im not trying to rush you and I'd be happy to wait for the fic!
Hi! Yes, it would be very funny because i don’t think Charles realizes that he proposed to a Drama Queen. I don’t know if it turned out like you wanted it to but I really hope you like it!
Fiancé Girlfriend
Charles Leclerc x Hispanic/Latina! Reader
Summary: After a month of being engaged, Charles isn’t used to calling Y/N his fiancé, and accidentally calls her his girlfriend AGAIN. Y/N being true to her words, decides to stop wearing her ring.
Warning: the usual spelling and grammatical errors, VERY bad photoshop.
A/N: I am on my period and it SUCKS, i haven’t been able to get much sleep sadly and i really want chocolate and there’s no chocolate in my house 😩 also, if I were to ever give Charles and Y/N a dog in my fanfics, it will not be Leo since he is a Saint Mleux as well, not just a Leclerc
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(His face when he realized he messed up)
Y/N was in the paddock at the Monaco Grand Prix, she had to be there for Charles’s home race. She was happy she did, Charles got P1, Max P2, and Lando P3. Charles kissed her when he got out of the car, she saw his podium ceremony, literally the best GP she’s been to, nothing could mess up her mood. She was in the hospitality snacking on whatever they were offering her while watching the post race interview on the TV and something happened.
“So Charles, we saw you kissing Y/N after your big Home Race win, how long have you guys been together?” The interviewer asked.
“Yes, my girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years.” Charles said and his eyes widened. Max and Lando were also looking at him like ‘ooh, she’s gonna kill you’ “Wait, no, that’s not what I meant..” Charles started but the interviewer ignored him and started asking Max and Lando questions.
Y/N was in shock, how dare Charles call we his girlfriend on live television. So Y/N did what any normal person would do, she took off her ring and placed it securely in the inside pocket of her purse.
Charles in the other hand was panicking after the interview.
“Okay, try not to panic.” Lando said.
“That ship has sailed, Lando. I’m panicking, I’m fucking panicking!” Charles was paving around the room.
“There’s probably a good chance she didn’t see the post race interview.” Lando said.
“And if she did? I already called her my girlfriend once, you know what she said she would do if I do it again? Take off her ring.” Charles said.
“Maybe she was bluffing, she wouldn’t actually go through with that, she loves you too much. I have never seen a couple love each other so much.” Max said and Charles smiled.
“You’re right, Max, she loves me, she’d never take off the ring.” Charles said. He left the room to go to the hospitality and saw Y/N eating fries. “Mon ange! Did you see the interview?”
“Muñeco! Yes I did.” Y/N said.
“I am so sorry, I really am.” Charles takes Y/N’s hand in his and noticed something was missing. “Mon ange, where’s your ring?”
“What ring, muñeco?” Y/N asked, feigning innocence.
“Your ring, your engagement ring, where is it?” Charles asked.
“Charles, I don’t know what you are talking about, why would I have a ring? It’s not like I’m your fiancé or anything, I’m just your girlfriend.” Y/N said and Charles pouted.
“I’m sorry! I swear I am so very sorry, I didn’t mean it.” Charles begged for forgiveness.
“Let’s go home, muñeco, can we order in?” Y/N asked.
“Yeah sure, anything you want, mon coeur.” Charles said. They were walked to the car and as soon as they got in, Charles expected Y/N to put her ring back on since they are not ‘in public’ anymore but she didn’t, the ring was still off. “So mon ange, have you been thinking about when would you want the wedding?”
“Wedding? What wedding? We’re not even engaged, Charles.” Y/N said. You know the saying ‘if they go low, I go lower’? Y/N is going as low as the depths of hell for a slip of the tongue.
“Mon ange, is not funny anymore.” Charles whined.
“Did you order food?” Y/N asked.
“Yes I did, we’re picking it up.” Charles said.
“Cool.” Y/N said.
The drive to the restaurant and back home was silent.
“Okay, we’re back home now.” Charles said as they entered the apartment.
“Yes muñeco, Im aware.” Y/N said but she still didn’t put her ring back on.
“Mon ange please wear your ring.” Charles begged, wrapping his arms around her waist, her back to his chest. “Please, I promise to announce our engagement on Instagram.” Charles kisses her neck. “Please just wear the ring, I love you so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, you are the best fiancé a man could ever have.” Charles whispered in her ear as he places little neck kisses.
Y/N turned around and saw Charles pouring with teary eyes and she felt her heart melt.
“Aw muñeco, okay, I’ll wear my ring. But promise the whole world will know we are engaged. I love that you want your friends and family to know first, but it hurts me when you still call me your girlfriend.” Y/N said and Charles kisses her forehead.
“I know, mon ange. We’re going to let the whole world know that you’re my fiancé.” Charles kissed her passionately.
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Liked by pierregasly and 830,659 others
charles_leclerc after years of dating, I proposed to the love of my life on our 5th anniversary. I love her so much, I am thankful for having her in my life. We have been engaged for a month and I am so happy that I get to call her my fiancé, the future Mrs. Leclerc, I love you 😘.
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landonorris happy for you mate, so glad she didn’t kill you
charles_leclerc you and be both 😳
maxverstappen1 happy for you mate!
carlossainz55 congratulations, cabrón! I expect invite to the wedding
yourusername aww, muñeco, I love you too, I can’t wait to be Mrs. Leclerc 🥹
francisca.cgomes let me be a bridesmaid!
yourusername you’re maid of honor!
user45 no wonder Charles looked nervous after his pst race interview
yourusername posted a story
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charles_leclerc replied
Can’t wait to be your husband 😘
The End
Hope y’all liked it! It was a little short but fun to write!
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syoounn · 2 days
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Hello i love your work!
I was wondering if you could possibly write in a short fic style maybe Chuuya, Kunikida, and Akutagawa with a reader that has trichotillomania? Specifically the reader that pulls out their lashes and brows?
Im pretty insecure about that and i would love to read something like that :) would very much appreciate it if you wrote something like that :)
•Reader with a Trichotillomania.
•Characters: Chuuya, Akutagawa, Kunikida
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Chuuya
After Chuuya got home.. he was ready to see you and cuddle with you. Seeing you doing it again, Chuuya shifted a bit in bed before laying next to you and placing you in his arms. With his hands, he began playing with your hair, seemingly trying to get your attention. “Hey, look at me.” He gave you a gentle squeeze, looking directly into your eyes. He wanted to comfort you and make you feel loved, especially looking at your beautiful eyes. “I love you. It may not be in my nature to think about other people’s feelings, but that’s the truth. You’re the only person I think about. You keep me grounded.” His voice became more gentle as he spoke. He was well aware of your insecurities, but he believed you always had it in you to overcome these obstacles. Of course, his words were never enough. He had some idea of how to really relieve you of your problems, but he’d only be able to share it with you when you were ready to let him. “My precious little Doll…” He mumbled affectionately, stroking back your hair and bringing his lips down to your forehead. Chuuya, comfort you when you lose control of yourself, not judging you for your faults. Instead he’d pull you closer to him, wrapping his arms around your waist, holding you tightly against himself. He continued to speak and comforting you “It’s okay, darling… I know you can’t control it, and I do think it’s very unfortunate, but I’m not going to hate you for it. I hate the fact that you hurt yourself and have a negative mindset about yourself… You don’t need to apologize for something about yourself you can’t control.” You then relaxed to his words and hugged him as both of you embraced both your warmth tonight.
Akutagawa
Both of you were watching TV in the living room he noticed you weren't really paying attention to the TV. He let out a quick sigh and gently grabbed your hands to stop you doing it. "Are you okay?..." he asked as he tried to be gentle as he could be.. he wanted to comfort you even though sometimes he struggled to give comfort. "I'm alright.." You said, not wanting him to worry. Therefore, that didn't stop. He clearly can see that you were not, as he sighs and wrapped his arms around you, giving you some comfort since he's Akutagawa is not that the best on words. He was slightly upset that you were not being truthful to him. "I'm not stupid, I know that you're not fine, and I don't like when you lie to me." "I'm sorry.." You replied. Akutagawa sighed as he kept looking at you. The anger he had felt was disappearing. His grip on you grew a bit more gentle. "I'm also sorry, I didn't mean to sound aggressive, I just really want you to be honest with me." He said, his tone and expression was softer and seemed to have more care in his words. Akutagawa stayed in silence for a moment. He knew this was a really sensitive subject for you. He wasn't going to push you to explain much about it, but he was still concerned. "Is there anything I can do to help you?" He asked in a soft voice, making sure not to sound judgmental or critical. Feeling the way he cares for you and wanting to do something for you makes you feel appreciated and went completely calm. As you hugged him back and relaxed to his embrace, smiling. "I'm fine now.." You said softy. Akutagawa smiled slightly at the reply. He liked that you hugged him back. It had made him feel happy. He squeezed you in another hug and looking at your eyes as he was looking at the most beautiful thing he ever seen, not wanting to let you go. "Okay then, we should just enjoy the movie now." He said, still hugging you as tight as he could. Both of you enjoyed your time as it makes you forget all of your problems just because you're with him.
Kunikida
Kunikida came home, usually having a grumpy face, seeing you changed into a small smile without hesitation.. he approached you. "Your symptoms are acting up again, aren't you.." Kunikida said with a worried look on his face. Kunikida looked very worried about you as he reached out and took your hands. He looked directly at your eyes "Look, I know this is extremely difficult for you." He paused and cleared his throat You have to be strong. I know you can overcome this. I'm with you, always, and I'll always love you no matter what. Kunikida said, his voice soft and reassuring. He then gestures you to sit back and get your medication and some tea to make you feel better. He writes down and does his best to support you... always reminding you things and always reassuring you. Even though sometimes he can be straightforward, deep down, you know he truly only wants you to live comfortably. He turned around and headed toward the kitchen. His footsteps were heavy and firm. After a few minutes, he returned and handed you the tea. "Here, drink this. It should relax your nerves and calm you down. That should help." He smiled as he saw you become more relaxed. He watched you take a few more sips of the tea before he spoke "That's good. It'll help.. and you should not forget to take your medication Y/N.." Kunikida said as he walked over and sat on the side of the bed as you lay down. He moved so he could cradle you with your head resting against his shoulder. He looks at your sleepy eyes.. as he always adores, he can't help but smile, and he always admires your beauty by looking at your eyes softly.
Your hair felt soft and pleasant against his skin. He caressed your hair gently. And now.. you were relaxed and peacefully sleeping. Knowing he's beside you makes you feel more calm and loved. Kunikida is such a strict but lovable caring lover.
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(I hope you like it! I love your drawings, btw :3)
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carlos-in-glasses · 6 hours
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The Notorious C-I-G
💌 🍄 📚 🏜️ 🐝 (you don’t have to answer this one if you don’t want, I already know it’s me 🤭)
Lemon...right?
💌 ⇢ how many unread emails do you have right now?
Darn you for making me look! 248!
🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings
Answered this one here and here but here is another: After Andrea met TK and really started opening up her heart and mind to Carlos being gay and in love with another man, she began seeking out queer art, books, shows, so she could learn more about the community her son is a part of. Carlos recommends and lends her things! I touch on this in my fic Wrestling Angels.
📚 ⇢ what’s the last thing you wrote down in your notes app?
I didn't have to say anything. He knew I was shaking.
🏜️ ⇢ what’s your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?
I love it when an aspect or overall theme leads a reader to discuss something and it gets a bit more personal and chatty. Fire Island and Sweet Dreams and Flying Machines led to comments in which people shared their memories and feelings about the AIDS crisis and about 9/11 respectively. I guess it makes it seem like the fic has a bit more 'social impact' in a way. It's quite amazing when that happens.
🐝 ⇢ tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them
Haha @lemonlyman-dotcom... right? You have been so supportive and friendly from the beginning - the beginning being pre-tumblr when you were leaving such lovely comments on my fics. When I saw you'd set up your tumblr I was so happy to be able to interact with you on here too. And now look!
And @thisbuildinghasfeelings - you were one of the first people I spoke to on here and your kindness and enthusiasm not just towards my writing is just incredible and I feel very lucky you're here.
@heartstringsduet your comment on Afterglow of a Supernova basically changed my life in that it made me instantly more confident in my writing, like it represented a turning point in how I felt about it, and you've always been in my corner. And you've made art for my fics???!!!
@goodways you have been so lovely about my fics I feel like I can never thank you enough and your comments always make me laugh and make me think. Your feedback always means the world to me.
@herefortarlos your enthusiasm for my fics, all fics and this fandom is a thing of beauty and so inspiring.
@welcometololaland you were one of the first people to ever tag me in anything and I remember it vividly because I couldn't believe it haha. Your comments are always so hilarious and make me feel like I've done something right, and without you I wouldn't have written I Was Thinking About Your Mouth, so I am forever grateful for that and for you being such a good sounding board when I complain about work!
@cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut mate, you are divine and the fact that you spend any time beta'ing my fics when they are still kinda hot messes is wild to me. Thank you as well for your kindness and generosity!
@im-overstimulated-and-im-sad you are a delight and your comments are like a balm to my soul!
@reyesstrand Also from really early on you were leaving such encouraging comments on my fics and including me in WIP tags and things and I'm so grateful and forever awestruck.
@paperstorm I always cherish in particular how incredible you were about Fire Island (and When Soulmates Swim recently!), and how you helped so much in my hour of need when the whole scary situation around Afterglow of a Supernova happened. Thank you!
There are other people too of course but I worry I'm banging on a bit too much like I'm at the Oscars and the music is going to play over me talking so I just want to wrap up by saying thank you to everyone who has read my fics and commented and left kudos - I've said it before and I'll say it again, it really does blow me away that you're giving your precious free time to my stories in that way.
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princeinsomniavoid · 8 months
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I can't even think right now man I've just curled up into a ball and It hurts
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fleshdyke · 2 months
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#csa warning for tags#ughhh ik i was just talking abt this but man. Man. constantly bullied as a child + raped as a child is a brutal combo huh#completely irreversibly fucked up sense of intimacy. i dont want to have sex with anyone i dont care what ppl think of me looks wise but i#also care more than anything and want people to want me so bad#like when ur only experience with anyone at all finding you desirable is being raped at 6ish. fucks u up man#was constantly told by everyone i knew that i was undesirable from day fucking one. i was always the one ppl would dare their friends to#'ask out' bc everyone thought i was that bad. i never had those rumours of 'some boy likes you' without people laughing in the background#all of my friends. even the ones that were also weird kids and bullied etc etc always have stories of other kids having crushes on them or#whatever. and i just never had that. it feels like i missed out on something important#i want to be pursued by a guy i hate i want them to not leave me alone. i want to feel like im in danger. and i know how fucking disgusting#that is but i cant help it. like i feel like thats the only way im going to feel normal and wanted like theres not something inherently#wrong with me. and i know how dangerous that is but its not like it matters anyways bc still no one likes me at all.#and i know how stupid of a thing it is to obsess over like what am i 9 years old? but i just cant get it out of my head#like idk i feel like the only way im going to actually feel desirable at all is if someone tries to rape me again. or if i feel like i have#to worry about someone raping me again. i know i wouldnt feel that way if someone was like. nice about it.#bc if someone genuinely liked me and was a decent human being about it i wouldnt be able to see it as anything other than faking it for pit#i wouldnt be able to believe it. even if i wasnt waiting for them to drop the joke and start laughing at me i would always think it was jus#an act bc they feel bad for me. the only way i could ever think it's genuine and that i'm desirable at all is if someone sexually#harassed me. like idk how to explain it but thats the only way i could feel desirable at all#bc it's the only way i've ever been desirable. when i was a kid.#and it terrifies me so bad bc i know how fucking disgusting that is and how self destructive it is#but i still feel like i dont even have to really worry about being assaulted. bc i still believe im completely undesirable at my core.#i dont believe i could be desired so i dont believe i have to worry about being raped. bc no one would want to anyways#rambles#vent
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8rujaa · 1 month
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my therapist really saved me….
#tw abuse // tw sa#i can’t sleep bc i keep thinking about this.#like i probably would’ve not been here if it weren’t for her#i started seeing her january of 2023… my life has changed entirely since then and she was definitely the one who got the ball rolling#literally so much has changed since then and it’s all because of her#i was so dissociated during our first few sessions#thanks to her i was able to get diagnosed and medicated for adhd. i was able to realize i was in an abusive situation and plan a way out#i was able to focus on myself and my healing and she’s helped me reframe so much of my negative thinking#i was able to process a lot of emotions and become a better version of myself with each session#she’s truly incredible.#i remember the first comment she made about the relationship had been ‘’so it’s like there’s an imbalance of control in the relationship’’#i had put my partners on such a high pedestal that i had no idea they could be doing anything wrong#and i asked her what she meant and she said ‘from what you’ve been describing it’s sounds like a strict parents and child type of dynamic’#she told me they didn’t need to understand why i wanted to leave and they didn’t need to make that decision. if that’s what was going to be#best for me the only thing i could do is let them know my reasoning and simply leave. i didn’t need their permission.’’#i remember being so confused at that realization bc like… i had been putting their emotions over mine the whole time i had forgotten simply#doing what’s best for me was an option… l#ever since then i’ve been putting myself first and it’s been a steady uphill from rock bottom… i’ve made an incredible amount of progress#when i first started with her getting out of bed and walking to the kitchen was incredibly difficult and took all my strength.#yesterday i conquered a mountain!!!!!!! i hiked all the way to the top!!!!! :D#me a year ago thought it was going to take me years and years to recover. as soon as i left i made leaps of progress#im incredibly proud of myself and grateful for her. and my reiki lady she’s also been a great great help.#the silver lining is i realized who really matters. and the relationships i cared about deepened.#my sweet virgo friend was the one who was always like ‘THATS A GROWN ASS MAN WHO CANT UNDERSTAND BASIC CONSENT???’#LMFAO i would be like ‘but he has trauma and bla bla bla’ she looked me dead in the eyes and said#’jess you said with your last boyfriend that you would never make excuses for a man who was hurting you again. stop defending him.’#she’s really a gem and i treasure her with my life. i hope she knows i love her. she’s family at this point#she’s also literally saved my life before (like deadass called 911 for help)#im glad i had the support system i had. that was a rough situation with so many layers and im glad i got through it#my 22nd year of life was by far the worst of my life and i don’t ever want to put myself in that situation again. im glad i learned.
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textualviolence · 1 year
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screenshotting this tag because i’m not trying to start a fight but. with all due respect i could not disagree more
#Nieyao fucking makes whatever psychosexual issues they have going on so much worse#because its so profoundly unethical and actively dirties the respectability of the bond they had previously#they can never have good sex its always profoundly psychologically destructive for the both of them#since they're both so invested in this idea of nie mingjue as a Good Man(tm)#the moment Nie Mingjue has sex with his subordinate it automatically drags him down to the level of a JGS (meng yao's actual real FATHER)#and thus tranforms a normal healthy socially well regarded though hierarchical relationship#into a disgraceful abuse of power that casts an ugly and revelatory light on the hierarchy they occupy#it's no longer possible to pretend NMJ's position of authority and Meng Yao's subordination isn't inherently identical to#the authority and subordination that facilitates JGS's abuse of vulnerable girls#was there ever anything other than sex underneath their bond? they both need to think so and they'll both be unable to convince themselves#they'll fuck once and try never to do it again but its too late because the fact that they did reveals the nature of their relationship#fundamentally its always about fucking. always about power. and it was from the beginning#its not about mentorship or fostering talent#for both of them i think their whole worldview would collapse and they would no longer be able to see their society as just and fair#if they don't fuck they can go on thinking they're normal people!!!!why waste this opportunity!!!#if you want people who shouldn't fuck look at wangxian#book got boring once they fucked im sorry ill say it
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snekdood · 4 months
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oh you want to force the label "butch" on to me? well looks like its time to go back to strictly fucking cis men
#damn and i was really comin around too! too bad ig. yall know whats best or whatever you need to tell yourselves.#im a man. call me a gay man before you think of calling me that shit. call me EVERY slur one would call a gay man before ever calling me#ANYTHING NEAR a fucking lesbian of ANY variety.#i will stab women to prove a point to you until you fuck off.#we'll never be seen as equal to cis ppl till yall stop forcing identities on to people. literally doing the exact same shit cis ppl#do to me already but bc you tell yourself you're above it and woke n shit suddenly you're somehow different. fuck the entire fuck off.#until you can look at me and see me as just a fucking dude. we will never have equality. until you're able to STOP trying to see me as#ANYWHERE NEAR adjacent to women- we- as trans people- will never have equality.#and no i dont think that means lesbian = basically just women but it does subconsciously in plenty of yalls minds.#otherwise why tf would someone be saying trans men/butch as if they're equivalents? why cant you just say trans men?#or better yet and more accurate would be trans men and/or butches. bc otherwise using a dash in between trans man and butch#means you think they're the same thing and just different phrases for the same thing. thats what it means to use that dash#like that.#yall make being a stealth trans guy sound so much more appealing. if as soon as i mention im trans you start thinking#'butch' or 'afab' subconsciously and go on about the struggles of afabs or whatever then ig that means i gotta be stealth and never reveal#that im trans ever tf again bc yall STILL dont fucking get it.
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gibbearish · 6 months
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it is fun when u comment on a post on reddit and someones like "ummmm look what sub youre in" like no i know. i just think what you said is dumb enough that i'm willing to get downvoted to tell you that
#EVEN IN A SELF PIERCING GROUP DOING YOUR OWN SMILEY IS NEEDLESSLY DUMB!!!#like im of the opinion that self piercing for sure has risks and isn't something that should be encouraged but also that#people have the right to assess that and decide if theyre good with that#like i pierced my own ears bc thats about the lowest risk one you can do (see: claires)#obviously its not NO risk so again i dont think people should be encouraged to. but also people are going to do it#you're never gonna stop ppl from self piercing‚ even if you took all the needles and guns off of amazon and wish n whatnot#people would (and do) just Find Other Pointy Things#so with that i believe while it shouldnt be encouraged‚ there are ways to minimize the risks that should be like#publicly available information. cause if ur never gonna be able to stop it you might as well make it as safe as you can#but your SMILEY??? YOUR FUCKING SMILEY?????#like anything in the mouth really is just. stupid dangerous to do yourself no matter how many precautions you take#ex did you know it is not difficult to fuck up a tongue piercing so bad you bleed out#like you dont even have to do anything wrong either‚ you can do it perfectly and just Happen to have a vein right where you stab#and because its so close to your heart it has a Lot of blood flow#like theres a guy i follow on youtube who's been told by multiple piercers he can never get a tongue piercing#specifically because he would straight up die#absolutely not. never ever in 1000 years. straight up it would be more responsible to do your own dermals with no training#than to pierce shit in ur own mouth with no training and i will die on this hill fuck my fake internet points
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time-teller · 1 year
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vent
#vent#don't think i have seasonal depression but i hate the end of the school year being during spring#because then i have to think about the fact that i'm not even close to graduating#it took me 3 years to finish core classes because i kept failing and having to retake some due to procrastination that i feel is controllab#le but probably isn't and i think i have an underlying issue but i don't have a diagnosis. and i don't think i'm getting one anytime soon#because my sister is going to college next school year and our family is going to be short on spending money#and i feel guilty that it feels like im wasting my parent's money#whenever we visit family they always ask when i'm graduating and next year will be my fourth year but i'm not and i feel like a fucking#fool. and yes i see a lot of posts about college positivity and that it's a marathon not a race and that it takes everyone different#amounts of time to graduate but it does nothing if it feels like im wasting it all away over something i can easily control but what if#it's not that easy to control? i need a psychiatrist but the last time i tried to get an appointment they put me on a 6 week wait list that#i never heard from besides one call asking if i still wanted to be on it#and i can't go to my previous doctor anymore because i'm 21 now and have to go to the one my parents use#previous doctor told me i seem fine and didn't have anything wrong with me#and i feel like she's right#but this excessive procrastination didn't start until high school and where did everything go so wrong? why can't i complete school work in#a timely manner anymore? i was able to do it just fine in my first semester but ever since i went on a 2 day vacation it's all been downhil#and i can't seem to recreate the success of getting A's and B's that semester again
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pepprs · 2 years
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literally the only reason i am not in as bad a mental health place as i was in in december is bc i’m done w school now and i never have to go back or deal with being a student again if i don’t want to and also bc i know there is a high likelihood that there are some big important helpful highly desired changes on my horizon in the next few months and years. but i am really not doing good right now
#purrs#scotus leaked draft + buffalo shooting + dallas shooting + uvalde shooting + monkeypox + covid cases rising + losing my last 3 weeks of#college and graduation + losing my freedom for who knows how long and moving back home + friends and family getting covid + pushing myself#to the limit finishing my capstone + watching my loved ones suffer with the situations in their own lives = is it ethical to bring children#into this world is it reasonable to think that i will one day live with autonomy again and find a romantic partner and have a pet and enjoy#my life and see all the people i love doing the same. all ive been able to do this week outside of finishing school my job application etc#is doomscroll about the shootings and covid and monkeypox when i really should be doomscrollimg through my fucking save tag that i curated#specifically to counteract these situations and give me reasons to find hope but i don’t have the strength or see the point bc im only gonn#lose the hope again. but i know there’s a point but i can’t get myself to see it and maybe it’s bc km just so exhausted but idk. and one of#the WORST parts of this is that if the job works out i am going to have to understand that people will look at me differently part of which#means that people — STUDENTS like i just was 2 days ago!!! — will look to me expecting that i have answers or at the very least hope and i#literally do not have hope right now and after national events this month i don’t know if i’ll ever feel hope again. so it’s like fuck i#wont be able to do my fucking job that i feel called to do and want to do more than anything lol. but i already won’t be able to do it bc t#the chances that i can go to [insert convferwrnce] when it involves being on a plane and navigating people who won’t wear masks are so low#and * already snarked about it to me yesterday which really hurt my feelings like i don’t think she was trying to be mean but it’s like yes#the fuck i can hide in the van forever i do NOT want to get covid. but i also do not want to miss [conference] and it’s just so stupid that#im going to have to keep making these choices because this nightmare country has decided covid doesn’t exist anymore. idk lol#i know everything in my life could be a lot worse and also that it is objectively WORLDS better than it was very recently bc i graduated an#im done now. but this month has sucked so unbelievably bad and June is also going to be hard and im just scared i will never be happy or#hopeful again or that every time i am something new will knock it down (which is a given living in the usa lol) and that it would be#unethical to try to do the BASIC bare minimum things i have always wanted to do in my life. lole#negative tw#ask to tag#abortion tw#shooting tw#mass shooting tw#monkeypox tw
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be-good-to-bugs · 24 days
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AAAAH forever stress is going to kill me one day
#the bin#i hate knowing why i feel so bad and not being able to do anything about it#im scared that ill never ever feel better. its been so long since i felt ok. im worried that ill make friends and still feel horrible all#the time and it wont matter. i cant keep doing this. im so tired of being all alone. im so tired of the constant inescapable dread#im going to figure something out. in a month ill be moved and i can start figuring everything out then#i hate not being able to focus on anything besides how bad i feel. i cant enjoy anything. theres so many shows i wanna watch but i cant#because im so distracted by this. theres so much manga i wanna read and i cant.#literally the ONLY thing that has been able to make me temporarily forget this for any amount of time is dungeon meshi#its so fucking good and it sparks so much joy that it does help but not enough. i get sad again really fast.#well. im trying really hard to manage my stress. i did the math on how much i should be getting. i know that i will have rent at least.#there are 2 weeks that i dont know what my hours will be but assuming i get 13 hours at least then i should have an ok amount for#moving. its possible theyll be worse and its possible theyll be better. im really hoping theyre better. my hours have been SO BAD recently#i dont know why. i know im not bad at my job or anything. i sont think my manager dislikes me either. he does this whenever someone#hasnt been feeling well and hell do it for a couple weeks and i think its him trying to be considerate but i have bills to pay man#technically there is a shift i could pickup but the store has a drive thru so im nervous to bc idk how that works and if im asked to do that#then ill have no idea so ive been avoiding taking any shifts like that#hopefully enough will pop up in the coming weeks and i can get some more hours. i know i can cover moving vehicle cost but idk how much#gas is gonna be so im suuuuper worried abt that. hhhh. hopefully my sister and her boyfriend can get me back the $300 they owe too#honestly idk how they werent able to afford rent but immediately after they were able to afford a 40 hour roadtrip and yimw off work#whatever. it doenst matter.#i wish i could deal with the other stuff messing me up rn but i cant fix the loneliness thing without not being alone and i cant fix that#it doesnt matter how much i tell myself ill make friends eventually or if i believe it or not. i feel bad because ive gone way too long#not hanging out with anyone and my brain cant handle it.#im gonna see if maybe i can play a game with my sister soon. or maybe i couod play smth with my younger sister even#i pkayed roblox with her for a little while. maybe she would want to again. i miss her :(
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thedevotionaltour · 4 months
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anyone else ever remember how they are gonna end up in some dead end soul sucking job instead of the actual career they wanna pursue because they are far too unskilled for it. just me. awesome.
#sometimes i get a twinge of hope bc my classmates will say nice things and then i remember the reality that exists and is real.#where i just suck. i lack so much technical skill. i feel like i have to reteach myself how to draw constantly. my style is not distinct.#it looks like the quality of a middle schooler's sketchbook where it's a drawing they're proud of but in comparison to anything else#it is just garbage. utter garbage.#i have been in such a horrific slump of feeling about what i make. and i tell my therapist about it. and he never ever actually reassures m#doesnt tell me to maybe ask if im being unfair in my standards. or says i should have some more compassion towards myself.#or finds it an issue in regards to my generally low self esteem. im so fucking tired of being told well. you can always go back to school#to pursue something else after wasting all your fucking time on this stupid fucking degree that will get you nowhere!#i feel hopeless! so utterly fucking hopeless! it doesnt matter when my peers with more skill than me say they like my work bc im positive#they are just being nice. i cant imagine you look at your work and then mine and still find it good and having worth. i cant.#i cant make anything good. im so tired of not being able to make anything good. im tired of not being able to have the motivation to do wor#in my own time to help improve my work because im too fucking tired because im too fucking depressed to do anything. im a failure.#im literally watching myself become a failure in real time and i cant stand it some days. genuinely what a waste.#i dont know what gave me the right to think i could possibly succeed at this. i feel like an idiot for wasting so much time and money.#im not saying this to seek pity or comfort either. im just talking about how i feel. because it just sucks. it just sucks#it sucks to know you will never make it. because even on the days you think maybe you can. it just comes crashing down again to remembering#oh. i wont. because i have none of what it takes for it at all.#man. what even ever at this point. who cares. i'll get over it. it just sucks.#vent.txt
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infizero · 4 months
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also having now actually seen the whole thing adventure time has skyrocketed into one of my favorite shows ever. like for real i liked it as a kid and have always had a fondness for it ever since but rewatching it now has made me realize Just how fucking good it is and how unlike anything else it is. its so good and appeals to ME specifically in so many ways please for the love of god if you haven't watched adventure time WATCH IT. WATCH IT RIGHT NOW
#ALSO. i think i may have mentioned this before but i really do think AT has one of the best senses of worldbuilding and continuity#i've seen in a cartoon. other than like steven universe maybe (gee i wonder how that happened)#but seriously like the fact that its able to be so goofy and weird a lot of the time while still constantly keeping in mind all these thing#and having them inform the story and world in realistic ways is so good it has really blown my mind#nothing is ever retconned nothing is ever forgotten about. even the seemingly most meaningless things will still be remembered#and referenced by the characters because thats how people are!! they dont just have stuff happen to and around them and then never#bring it up again!! but they also dont constantly go ''remember when we did xyz?'' stuff just comes up naturally if it makes sense#for it to do so. and i think thats so fucking incredible and admirable#AT's flavor of weirdness and comedy and raw emotion is something so wonderful and perfectly aligned with how i like my stories#and it really does have a vibe that is unlike anything else. i am going to cry thinking about it#like the closest thing i can think of. and lord forgive me but im being genuine in terms of vibes closest thing i can think of that#i've experienced at least is dsmp. in the way that there are things that are so fucking dumb and strange and things that are so gut#wrenchingly emotional and beautiful and simple and often those things are intertwined. its stupid and weird and funny and sad#its silly its dark its fun its tragic#something about both of them just feels like a representation of the human spirit in its purest form to me. they impact me the most#because they represent all sides and experiences of existing#idk. but ive always felt like this even before i got into AT again. i said a while ago if dsmp was made into a show it would HAVE to#be an adventure time style cartoon. and every time i see fanart drawn in the AT style or whatever it makes me so happy even now#ANYWAYS. sorry to derail but i really have missed the vibes of the dsmp and in a weird way AT felt a lot similar and i really love that#FUCKKKK not me getting emotional over the indominable human spirit. im gonna go saw my legs off BYE I LOVE ADVENTURE TIME#serena.txt
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fleshdyke · 2 months
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hchkvgjvfj
#csa warning for tags#goddd being raped at 6ish and brutally bullied is a hell of a combination#i was the one kid in not only my grade but multiple above and below me as well that the boys would dare each other to 'ask out'#absolutely CONSTANTLY. like jesus#by the time i was raped i'd already been bullied pretty badly for a while. including being constantly told i was ugly by all the boys#which is like. a huge reason i was raped in the first place. i still dont know who it was but i can only assume he took advantage of me#being constantly bullied to abuse me. as child rapists so often do#but like i was always the one that would be 'asked out' as a dare bc why would any of them want to talk to me#it was so inconceivable that any of them could want to be near me let alone 'go out' with me. they didn't even bother trying to hide the way#they laughed. like they didn't try to hide it bc they knew no one would do anything#and this happening to me fucking constantly for years on end throughout my ENTIRE childhood. that fucks with you man#like i dont think its even possible for anyone to like being around me at all. let alone find me attractive#there's still never been a single person who's had a crush on me or whatever#like all my friends have stories about annoying boys having crushes on them when they were younger. and what does it say about me that im#the complete opposite. and like it's so stupid because who fucking cares what 10 year old boys thought in 2016 but it really really fucks#you up bad man. like if anyone ever does come to be attracted to me for whatever reason i dont think im ever going to be able to believe it#i'm always going to be waiting for the joke to end and them to start laughing. i'll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop#and the worst part of it all is that i fucking want to be raped again#being raped as a little kid is the only time anyone has ever wanted me. it's the only time i've ever been desired. and i dont even like sex#but it's just the only time anyone has ever loved me in a non parental way#like i have one crush story to all my friends'. and it was a grown man that raped me when i was little#and i want to be raped again so fucking badly not because i would enjoy it but because it would prove that someone actually fucking wants me#i want to be sexually harassed and not in the way i usually am. i want to be catcalled and have to be scared walking around alone#i want men to grope me and say disgusting things and rape me because then i would finally be fucking wanted#it would prove that i'm actually likeable in some capacity. that i still am#im so scared that now that im grown im just a lost cause. because i was only desirable when i was little. now im just nothing#and i know i shouldnt even care but its so fucking hard to shake. i just want someone to love me#and i love my mom so much but i want them to love me because they want to and not because they have to#rambles#vent
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leathermouthlives · 7 months
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mitski we're really in it now .
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