#im not angry that she taught me how to feel anger.

[beazt]

im mad but not at anyone. actually scratch that im mad at my old res therapist

[smuttyworks]

You're mine. - Mattheo Riddle Smut

oooooo im so obsessed with this mf.

warnings: shmut, idk im not good with warnings

summary: Reader and Mattheo have been secretly together and she wants more, but Mattheo is scared she will get hurt due to his standing. so reader uses Theodore to make Mattheo jealous and hopefully step up. (No Y/n)

-

“You won’t kiss me in public, you won’t hold my hand… you barely even acknowledge me outside of your dorm room.” You breathed out, tears streaming down your cheeks.

Mattheo shook his head, trying to block out his true feelings, not wanting you to realize why, not wanting to hurt you anymore than he already had.

You were good, too good for him, he worried every single day that you would get hurt due to him and his standings. People would see you as his weakness because you were. He couldn’t risk the one good thing in his life, the only good thing he could ever feel.

“I can’t do this, you should go.” He swallowed, brows furrowing at the hurt he was feeling, knowing he had to let you go for your own safety.

You covered your mouth to stop the sobs from escaping and stood from the bed, turning away from him and slamming his dorm room open and making your way out of the Slytherin common room and towards the girls’ dorms.

You burst through your dorm room and sat on the edge of the bed, tears now dripping down your chin and onto your white blouse. How could he do this? You two had been together for so long in private, he took your virginity, he taught you so much, you fell in love with the curly haired boy, and he couldn’t even love you in public…

You sobbed out as you gripped your blouse, feeling the pressure and pain in your chest. Anger soon took the place of sadness, and you decided to get him back. If he couldn’t love you in public, you would make sure he sure suffered.

-

You slipped on your black sheer pantyhose and pulled up your too short skirt you knew was the perfect one for tonight, and walked over to your closet in your black bra, trying to decide what shirt to wear.

It had been a few days since you last talked to Mattheo, and you did your best to avoid him at all costs, but it was hard seeing him in class, or sitting at the great hall table as he read his book, it was hard to not sit across from him as you usually did…

But you succeeded in avoiding him at all costs, and tonight’s Slytherin party in Hogsmeade was the perfect place to get back at him and show him what he was missing. You smirked to yourself as you pulled out the cute white cropped tank top, knowing it was one of his favourites, and pulled it over your head.

-

You could feel his eyes burning into your back as you sat on Theodore’s lap, giggling at the stupid joke he made. Theo’s hand ran up your waist as he eyed you up, “You look amazing tonight.” He smiled, his fingers grazing over your bare skin above the short black skirt you wore.

You leaned down as you played with the ends of his hair at the nape of his neck, “You look sexy out of your uniform,” you bit your lip, rubbing light circles on the soft skin of his neck, “but I think I’d like to see what you look like out of these clothes too.” 

Theodore laughed and pulled you closer, your bum now feeling his hard bulge against you. You turned your head slightly to eye up Mattheo, and your sight did not disappoint.

He sat across the room on one of the sofa chairs, his fingers angrily digging into the arm rests and his jaw tightly clenched, the view of him so angry made you feel powerful. He thought he could just hurt you and get out unscathed… 

“Take me upstairs, Theo.” You whispered in his ear, and that was enough for him to quickly lift you from his lap as he stood and pull you closely behind him. Theodore led you up the stairs towards an unoccupied room and shut the door behind the two of you.

As he cupped your cheeks and pressed his lips to yours, your mind thought about the boy you wished it was, Mattheo.

You pushed him against the wall and deepened the kiss, running your fingers through his hair and pressing your body into his, feeling his erection poke your hip. “Fuck, you’re so hot.” He groaned, grabbing your ass with both hands and pulling you closer.

You gave him a small smile and reached down between the both of you and pulling the hem of your white tank up and over your head, dropping it on the floor behind the two of you. Theodore’s eyes dropped to your black bra and he leaned down, pressing his lips to the skin of your cleavage. 

Your head fell back as you held him close by his neck, your eyes landing to the bedroom door, wondering if Mattheo even cared at all.

But your thoughts were cut short when you could feel Theo’s hands snake around your back, his fingers running over the clasp of your bra as his lips continued to explore your chest, inching closer and closer to the hem of your bra.

You sighed, and shook your head, this didn’t feel right. “Theo-“ you started, but you were cut off by the bedroom door bursting open. Theo held you close as you both turned to the door. “Get off of her now, Theodore.” He spat, clearly holding back his anger as he didn’t want to take it out on his best friend who had no idea what was going on in the first place.

“What the fuck, Mattheo?!” Theodore jumped, moving away from you. 

You sighed, “Just go, Theo.” He looked down at you and back at Mattheo before shaking his head.

“I knew it,” he rolled his eyes, slipping past you and walking out the door, to which Mattheo reached over and slammed the door shut, his eyes never leaving yours.

You glared at him, “so you won’t claim me, and I can’t get with anyone else who doesn’t care to be seen with me in front of others?” you spat.

His eyes didn’t soften, he just continued to stare at you with complete anger. “That’s what you want? Someone to fuck you at a party where everyone else knows you’re getting fucked?” he laughed humourlessly.

You shook your head at him, “I want someone who isn’t ashamed to be seen with me!” you yelled, stepping closer to him.

“I have never been ashamed of you; don’t you think I want to hold your hand?!” Mattheo screamed, “Don’t you think I want to kiss you and not care who can see?” his hands cupped either side of your face, “I want to do all that, baby… but you know who I am, you are my only weakness and if the wrong people knew they would hurt you to hurt me.” He swallowed, his voice and stare softening.

“I don’t care about that, Mattheo, I love you and I want to be with you, we can’t spend our whole lives scared about what could happen and let that stop us from being happy.” You whispered, caressing his cheek softly.

His brows furrowed as if he was fighting his own battle in his head, and then he leaned down and crashed his lips desperately to yours. “I love you.” He breathed, his arms snaking around your waist and pulling you into him. “But if you ever do that again I will kill them.” He raised his brow.

You giggled and pressed your lips to his, reaching down and palming his dick through his clothes. You could feel him hardening quickly beneath your touch, and it excited you to be able to touch him outside either of your dorm rooms.

Mattheo pushed you against the wall and lifted you up, and you quickly wrapped your legs around his hips as his hands held you up by your bum. Moans escaped your lips as he pressed his erection against your core.

Mattheo’s kisses started to get sloppy as he got more and more turned on, and you couldn’t help how needy you were getting for him, all you wanted was to feel him inside of you. 

He seemed to have the same idea as you, as he pulled away and held you tightly as he walked to the bed, throwing you down roughly before ripping your pantyhose up your legs as well as ripping your thin thong panties apart and slipping them in his pocket.

You watched as he eyed up your half naked body with his lips slightly parted, “Beautiful.” He breathed, running his hands up your legs and creeping closer to your drenched cunt. You moaned when you felt his finger graze over your folds, his touch has always felt electric.

“I’ve always only wanted to be yours, Mattheo.” You breathed, reaching up and touching his hard chest over his black t-shirt. He smiled down at you softly and leaned over so he could press his lips to your chest, his arms slipping under your back and unclasping your bra, then he helped slip it off your arms.

“You’re mine.” He smirked, lifting your bare body, and placing you higher up on the bed, then inching his face between your legs, the torn pantyhose exposing your pussy. His eyes dropped to your core, and he licked his lips before running his wet warm tongue between your folds and circling your clit.

You moaned out, your hand reaching for his hair as he tasted your juices. “Oh fuck,” you whimpered, the feeling of his mouth on you bringing stars to your eyes.

Mattheo’s hands held either side of your hips as he worked magic with his tongue. Your head flung back as you took in the situation before you… your Slytherin classmates all beneath the room you were in, the loud music couldn’t blare out your moans to whoever made their way up the stairs either looking for a bathroom or for another unoccupied room as you had found.

The adrenaline of knowing anyone of your friends could walk through those doors accidentally and see you with Mattheo turned you on more than you could have ever imagined. Mattheo wasn’t hiding you.

“You taste so fucking good, angel.” He breathed against your soaking core before pressing his tongue back onto your clit. You moaned his name as you felt him tease your entrance with his fingers.

“Mattheo,” you cried as he pushed two fingers inside of you, folding them to press on your g-spot. His fingers entering at a fast pace as he never missed your spot, bringing you closer and closer to your release.

His tongue swiped over your sensitive clit, your orgasm building hot in your body, and with one last flick of his dangerous tongue, he had you completely undoing beneath his heavenly touch.

You rode out the strong waves of pleasure with curse words and moans of his name falling from your lips for anyone to hear, and it only added to the arousal. 

When you felt like you could breathe properly again, you reached to him and roughly pulled him up to your body, his lips crashing down to yours as you tasted yourself on his lips, his wet cheeks pressing to yours as he held himself up with one arm and the other reached down between the two of you and he skillfully undid his belt and unzipped his jeans.

“Fuck me, Mattheo.” You begged, to which he pulled his jeans and boxer down enough to free his painfully hard dick and position himself at your soaking entrance. “Fuck me so everyone knows who I belong to.”

His brows furrowed and lips parted at how much your words turned him on. Mattheo watched you intensely as he pushed himself inside of you slowly. You cursed at the beautiful feeling you loved the most in this world, the feeling of him stretching you, something you’d never get use to due to his large size.

His face contorted in pleasure as he closed the space between the two of you, his dick fully inside of you as you cried out his name and he moaned yours. He started thrusting viciously as his moans filled your ears.

You were used to having to muffle your moans so no one would hear, Mattheo’s hand usually covering your mouth to keep you from screaming, so the fact that the two of you could enjoy each other’s moans without being worried about who might hear was one of the best feelings.

“You have me so close already, fuck.” He groaned, lifting his body up and wrapping his arms around your body, pulling you up to him as he fucked you like that. His strong arms holding you up as he sinfully entered your body.

You pressed your lips to his neck, knowing exactly where his sweet spot was and licking the sensitive skin. He whimpered into your hair as you sucked on the soft skin of his neck, something you had always wanted to do, but you couldn’t leave marks on him before.

His thrusts got increasingly sloppier as you marked his skin, his grip on your body tightening as he thrusted hard deep inside you. “Mattheo!” you cried, your eyes squeezing shut as he took out everything on your body as his own.

With one last thrust he came completely undone, his face contorting in pleasure as he filled your cunt with his seed. 

He rode out his orgasm with his fingers digging tightly onto your body. “I’ve always wanted to hear your screams, baby.” He chuckled, kissing your jaw softly. “I hope they all heard it,” he smirked, “Especially Theodore.”

You rolled your eyes and lightly pushed his shoulder, giggling at his stupidity. “I bet they all did.”

The two of you cleaned yourselves off as you both prepared to return to the party, excitement filling your body as you finally got to show him off as your own. Months of having to ignore girls gossip about how hot Mattheo was, you could finally shut everyone up.

His fingers interlocked with yours as you opened the bedroom door, instantly being met with Draco, Blaise, and Theo snickering at each other. You rolled your eyes but couldn’t contain your giggles. “Shut up, idiots.” You joked, pushing on the blonde’s shoulder.

“You’re a lucky man, Riddle.” Theodore grinned, then returned to laughing with the other boys. Mattheo gave them the finger before pulling you down the stairs behind him. You could feel everyone’s eyes on the two of you as he led you to a sofa, sitting down and pulling you down to sit on his lap.

[aothotties]

Drunk Texting

Heyyyyy! Im Rachel, the other half of AOTHOTTIES. Like she said this is very much 18+ so minors DNI :)

I hope you enjoy this fic about your ex, Connie drunk texting you :)

CW: NSFW, oral (f. receiving), lil bit of overstimulation, pet names (daddy,papi,mami,baby, etc), creampie <3

also all the stuff in italics is flashback :)))) & there is a tiny crumb of Spanish in this cause Connie is literally Dominican idc.

Bitch fucj yoi

I hat evrythif about u 

Baby plse i muss you sm

I nevrw ment the things isaid to you

Fine syipid bitvh dont reply i literlt dont care 

Thats why i fckd spooo many bitcjes since i lefy your sorry ass

Y/N please answer me

You stared blankly at the multiple texts you received from your ex, Connie. You knew he was drunk, it seemed to be the only thing he did since you broke up. Messages like this were a common occurrence at this point.

Constance, get a fucking grip please 

You get a gril. You mak me sivk

Im begging you to get yourself together 

Shut up

I missyou sobmuch

Y/N im sorry

You’re fucking pathetic

Mami….

Turning on DND, throwing your phone to the opposite end of the couch you decided you were done with this sorry ass conversation. This was every fucking day. Connie spends the morning completely unbothered by you but by nightfall, an influx of jumbled messages that get progressively worse as the night goes on. If you're lucky you'll get a 10-minute-long voicemail that ranges from sweet words of him expressing his love to you all the way down to him cursing your name as he explains how much he hates you. You understood the apologies and the million i-love-yous, you deserved it. You were the best thing to ever happen to him and you both knew it. It was the anger and hatred that got to you. It didn't hurt your feelings, but it pissed you off. How could he be angry when he's the one in the wrong? He was the one that hurt you and he didn't deserve to be angry, you did. 

“Why the fuck are YOU angry, dickhead. You make me so fucking mad”, you mumbled to yourself as you thought about the day you broke up

“Baby, text my mom and let her know i’ll meet her at the airport at 8am and remind her not to forget my passport this time. And do your best to say it in spanish you know her ass can't speak english”

You were sad your man was leaving you to go to DR but his grandfather had passed and he was going to his funeral and to spend time with his family. His parents invited you to tag along but you weren't able to get the time off work at such a short notice. 

“Ok so i tried my best but i promise you she probably will know its me trying to speak spanish”

You laughed as you placed his phone back on the charger next to you. He shrugged his shoulders and chuckled and he continued playing his game as you sat next to him watching him lose for the 3rd time

His phone dinged next to you. You picked it up assuming it was his mom, but it was from an unsaved number.

“ what she say?” he asked also thinking his mother had responded

“It's not her it's just a random number”“Who is it?”

“I don't know I'll look”

Papi, te extraño.

Y extraño el bicho que me diste la ultima vez

Your heart dropped into your stomach. You didn't speak Spanish, but he had taught you enough to understand exactly what was happening. You couldn’t believe what you were reading as you felt tears well up in your eyes. Before you could even speak another message came in. a picture of her ass in the smallest thong you’ve seen with “Connie ❤️” tattooed on the cheek. At this point you couldn't stop yourself from crying.

Remembering seeing that image on his phone brought you to tears. “Dirty cheating bastard” you mumbled while you got up to wash your face in the bathroom. You kept replaying that moment in your head no matter how much you hated it, it was a day you'd never forget.

“Connie what the fuck? Are you serious?” yelling as you tossed his phone at him. He paused his game and shot you a confusing look then you watched as a guilty look washed over his expression when he looked at the phone

“Mami please, i can explain”

“Nah. save it. Get all your shit and get the fuck out”

You unplugged his xbox and removed it from your dresser. You tore through every drawer grabbing anything that was his and tossed it directly at him 

“Y/N please listen to me. It's not what it looks like Y/N i promise you. Baby please, look at me, please listen”

His words went in one ear and out the other as pain boiled over into anger and rage. The closet contained most of his things and you yanked the door open and began tearing all his clothes off the hangars, some ripping in the process

“Oh my god, Y/N you have to hear me ou – “

“I don't have to hear shit” you cut him off not wanting to hear another word out his mouth. “What can you even tell me right now? You're just going to explain something I can clearly see. There’s some bitch in DR you fucked when you stayed with your grandparents over the summer. Right now, she's eagerly waiting on you, missing the dick you gave her last time.”

Connie looked shocked and sad at the same time. He’s never seen you so angry before, you've always handled your emotions so well but this was the first time seeing you completely blow up

“Oh you thought i wouldn't understand what she said?” you laughed in his face. “ i know enough to see you're a piece of shit, get your shit off the fucking floor and get out connie” you tried to walk out but he grabbed you and pushed you against the wall

“No Y/N let me explain,please” tears ran down his cheeks as he begged you to listen. You tried to squirm out of his grip but he was too strong

“ i don't want to hear –”

“No please listen”

There was no escaping his grasp and you found yourself stuck listening to what he had to say.

You stared at your pathetic expression in the mirror as water trickled down your face. Could you really be here crying over a cheater? Was it seriously still affecting you after 5 months? Defeated, you slid down the wall in the bathroom and pulled your knees to your chest. With your face buried in your hand the tears began spilling as you continued to relive one of the most heartbreaking moments of your life 

“Y/N i know it looks bad but this is a misunderstanding”

It made you sick just looking at him. A cheating piece of shit staring down at you trying to make up some lies to get him out of the situation. If it wasn't for him having you pushed up against the wall you would have walked out, not even caring to listen.

“Look ok, we broke up that summer, remember? And I was kind of upset, so  my uncle decided to take me out to clear my head and I met her at a club. Y/N i don’t even know her real name. She goes by a nickname and I never even talked to her enough to find out – “ he was interrupted by you getting even angrier than before.

“So you don't even know this bitch? You just stuck your dick in the first person you saw when you got there? And don't give me that “we broke up” bullshit, Connie we talked the entire summer you were there and you know this. You called me every day to tell me how much you miss me and couldn't wait to come back so we can work on ourselves, just for it to be lies. You obviously didn't miss me enough to stop fucking around.”

“This was before that, it was when I literally first got there. Before I called you that one night, remember when I called you and we spent the entire night on the phone? That's when we started talking again. I had met her before that night and it was dumb but yes, I slept with her. But it meant nothing baby i promise you”

He started crying again as he was explaining what happened. You felt nothing while watching him fall apart in front of you. Even though he was practically falling to his knees there was something in your gut that made you feel like this was so much deeper that what he tried to make it 

“It was still  wrong, connie!” ,you found yourself screaming at this point, “if you KNEW you were on the island fucking with someone why would you even call me again? You knew exactly what the fuck you were doing!”

“Y/N, please listen, it was nothing. It was a stupid summer fling –”

Just like that..he told on himself. The situation he tried to pass off as a one-time quick fuck was actually a long term fling that lasted the entire time he was on vacation. 

In that instance you felt your heart shatter into a million pieces. Tears began flooding from your eyes and you barely found the strength to whisper, “so it happened more than once?”

He swallowed hard before responding, “Yes Y/N, it did. And I know we were still talking but we still weren't technically together so i didn't think it was wrong. And she got the tattoo without even telling me, okay? She made it more important than what it really was. And when I came home I never spoke to her again. I can show you the messages i do not talk to this girl. I'm not even sure how she knows I'm coming again.”

With every word he spoke your heart broke more. He wanted to dismiss the situation and downplay it. This was obviously more than a summer fling to her and he must have given her reason to believe so. Connie was the love of your life and you never expected him to do something like this. You knew he was the one when you first met him. He treated you better than anyone ever had and no matter the ups and downs he was patient with you. He understood you were constantly at war with yourself, but he always calmed your storm and brought silence to your chaos. Yet here he was, standing in front of you, trying to justify infidelity. Anger arose in you again and you felt rage you've never felt before.

“Get your sorry ass out!”, you screamed as you slapped him across the face. He clenched his jaw and balled his fist and for a split second you though he was going to hit you back. But then he released the tension in his body and dawned a cold demeaner

“You know what Y/N, fuck you. And fuck this relationship. You're trying to make me the bad guy for acting single when i was….single. And as I'm here in front of you apologizing trying to show you that it was nothing, you act like the hard headed bitch you always are. I can't keep dealing with your bullshit, Y/N. so ill gladly get the fuck out because truthfully i fucking hate you.”

He grabbed your hand and slipped the ring off your finger then he turned to walk out of the closet as you stood there shocked. He had never spoken to you like this in the 4 years you were together. You had so much to say in that moment because how could he have the audacity to be angry right now, but you were unable to speak. You stood, dumbfounded, as you watched him grab his keys and walk out the door.

After that you didn't hear from him for 2 months straight. He reached out to you to genuinely check on you but in those months you had begun to heal and love yourself. You started therapy and worked closely with her to get over what he said and done. When you ignored the first message the angry, drunk, message started. 

You continued to sob on the floor. In these 5 months you gained so much strength, but you still had nights like this. Your broken heart still lingered no matter how much you thought you were over it and him. Every part of you still loved him and you wished you never saw the messages that day. You'd be married to the love of your life if you didn't. But instead of a happy life with him you were sitting on a cold floor crying so hard it was difficult to breathe. You decided to indulge in his coping mechanism. You pulled yourself up off the floor and went into the kitchen. You swung the freezer door open and grabbed the bottle of crown peach, it was his favorite and you avoided drinking it so as to not remind yourself of him. But you felt different tonight. In some sick way his favorite liquor made you feel as if you still had a part of him with you. The smooth liquor burned as you drank it straight from the bottle. As the liquor began coursing through your body you had an urge to text him. It was your turn to send the angry drunk texts and give him a taste of his own medicine. 

As you feverishly typed you heard your front door unlocking. Your best friend had a spare key but it wasn't like her to show up unexpected. You shrugged it off and locked your phone, taking her surprise visit as a sign you should just leave him alone. You heard footsteps through the hall that grew louder as they approached the kitchen. You turned to greet her but was shocked at the sight before. Connie, with bags under his eyes, was standing right in front of you, looking at you as if he’d seen an angel.  A few seconds of silence had passed as neither one of you knew what to say. A small part of you wanted to run into his arms, kiss him and tell him how much you missed him. But he cheated on you and told you he hated you. And he had to leave your house immediately.

“Connie leave. I forgot you still had your key, but you can leave it on the counter before you go”

There was no feeling in your voice and no expression on your face. You couldn't show him your hand and he had to believe you were over him. He started walking closer to you with tears pooling in his eyes.

“Y/N, i missed you so much. I'm sorry for barging in like this but I just had to see you.” words were spilling out of his mouth and he walked closer, “I'm a piece of shit okay? I know what i did was fucked up and not a day goes by that i don't regret it but baby i promise you she was nothing. I was wrong for being with her while promising you we’d get back together and I feel like such a dick. I hurt the only person I've ever loved and I'll never forgive myself for that but Y/N i can't stop loving you. I don't deserve it but please forgive me, please tell me you still love me as much as you did before this”, he sobbed, “i don't want to be with anyone else. I want you to marry me, Y/N. you're supposed to be my wife, we’re supposed to spend the rest of our lives together.” He reached in his pocket and pulled out the ring he had given you before. He grabbed your hand to put it on your finger but you pulled away. At this point you were crying too. Those are words you wanted to hear this whole time. You spent many nights crying into your pillow wishing he’d call you to say that exact same thing to you. You wanted to take him back but you knew better than to give in

“How can we be together again, Connie?”, you spoke through tears, “I'll never be able to trust you again. You broke me, and I don't know if I can forgive you.” 

He grabbed your hands, fell to his knees and looked up at you as he pleaded, “Y/N please! I need you, I can't go on without you. I'll apologize every day for the rest of my life so you’ll forgive me, mami please I'm so sorry. I never meant the things i said to you before i left, i could never hate you, mami, you're the love of my life. The drunk texts were stupid, and all lies. I haven’t been with anyone since you because I can't get you off my mind. Please, please give me another chance, baby i promise i wont fuck it up this time. Please, I'll do anything to get you to forgive me” his sobs were uncontrollable as he begged for your forgiveness.

You looked down at him as he begged and cried. Unsure if it was the liquor in you or the lack of dick since he left but you became aroused at the sight in front of you. This man looking so pathetic on his knees, crying and begging for you to be with him again made a pool of wetness form in your panties. You stepped closer to him until his face touched your pelvis and you quietly thanked yourself for not wearing pants. 

“Anything?’ you seductively asked. Connie grabbed your hips to pull you closer as he took a deep breath of your scent. A bulge formed in his pants as your sweet smell filled his nose. He began kissing your clothed clit. A soft moan escaped your lips from the pleasure and was in this moment you realized how much you missed having his face between your thighs. His tongue darted out of his mouth and he licked your cunt through your panties. You whined, desperately wanting to feel his tongue again.

Connie grew hungry and couldn't bother to take your panties off. He moved the soaked fabric to the side and attached his mouth to your swollen clit. You let out a high pitched “baby” as the pleasure consumed you. His tongue licked from your hole up to your clit then back down. He continued this as your moans grew louder. The sound of your wetness echoed through your kitchen and Connie's dick pressed hard against the fabric of his pants that were now wet from his precum. 

He started to fuck your hole slowly with his tongue and you moved you hips up and down, grinding yourself on his face. Connie knew you loved this and knew it would bring you to your peak.

“Mm papi, just like that. please don't stop” you begged as your budding orgasm came close to the edge. “Cum for me mami, right in my mouth," he responded between licks. You put your leg over his shoulder for balance as you drew closer to your climax. His hands squeezed your thighs as your cunt clenched around his tongue, he knew from that alone you were about to cum for him. “Fuck baby, im cumming ah –” you shivered as your cum spilled into his mouth. He licked your juices making sure to not waste a drop.

He stood up and crashed his lips on yours. Connie kissed you as if it were the first time, the passion was tense between the two of you. You missed each other and your bodies missed each other too. He grabbed your thighs and lifted you up. He started kissing the spot on your neck that he knew would make you melt. You threw your head back and moaned his name, knowing that would awaken the beast in him. He carried you to the room you once shared and laid you on the bed. You spread your thighs as he crawled between them. You could feel his dick pressing on your core and started grinding on him. 

“connie , i need it” you panted, grinding on him even faster.

“Un uh mami, you know you have to give me another one before i fuck you. Don't act like you forgot the rules”

He lifted your shirt and kissed from your neck to your chest. He brought his lips to your left nipple and pinched the right then switched to ensure they both got love. He planted kisses down your abdomen until he reached your cunt. He removed your panties wasting no time before latching again to your now sensitive clit. 

“Fuck mami you taste better than before. I missed tasting your sweet pussy every night” 

“ i m-missed squirting - mmm - on your face” you brokenly responded through your moans. You passed your fingers through his short silver hair, instinctively pushing his face deeper into your pussy. 

The overstimulation from his mouth was too much. “Connie baby! Too much – daddy please!” tears ran down your face as you squirmed under him. Your thighs tried to close to escape the stimulation, but he pinned your thighs to the mattress, “you can do it mami, one more time, just for papi. Can you give me another, princess?”, he slid his fingers in your cunt and curled them to hit your g-spot. His mouth found its way back to your clit as he finger fucked you harder. “Papi, ‘m gonna cum again” your body began shaking and your climax washed over you. You squirted on his face and he lapped it up as it spilled out of you. “good girl” he whispered as he came back up to kiss your cheek.

He slid off the bed and dropped his pants, taking his boxers down with them. Your mouth watered as you watched his dick spring out from its confines. He crawled back on top of you and lined his tip with your entrance, soaking it with your slick.

“Baby please don't tease” you begged as he rubbed his dick up and down your folds. Pleasure overcoming him, he slid into your cunt, sighing at the feeling of you clenching around his length. 

“Diablo, mami” he groaned as he came down to kiss you. He slipped his tongue in your mouth and deepened his strokes. You felt his tip hitting your cervix causing you to jump at the feeling.

“connie – fuck right there baby you're hitting it just right” you whined.

Hearing you say those words drove him insane. He picked up his pace and began bullying his dick into you. Your moans turned to slight screams and his groans grew louder.

“Oh mami”, he sighed, “i missed this pussy so much. You feel so good on my dick.”

Your walls began spasming as you reached your third orgasm for the night. Your hand clung to his back leaving scratches. Connie was fucking into you like a wild person. The look in his eyes was feral and the only thing on his mind was how good you felt taking his cock.

“ ‘M cumming papi, ah-, mm cant take it baby'.  you were a mess, tears staining your face, drool pooling on your chin. Your fucked out expression brought connie to his peak.

 “I'm gonna cum inside you baby. You want that? You want to feel me cum inside that tight little pussy?”

“Yes, cum inside me please baby, wan’ to feel your cum inside of me”

He groaned loudly as he came deep inside of you, hot ropes filling you to your brim. He slid himself out slowly and stared at your cunt, watching his sticky cum spill out of your fucked out hole. He rolled off and laid next to you. He pulled you to his chest and wrapped his arms around you

“ i really am sorry Y/N for everything” he said while tracing circles on your back

You grabbed his jaw and turned his face towards you then planted a sweet kiss on his lips.

“I know baby. Lets work on us, i want to be with you forever.” you whispered as you broke the kiss

He swallowed the lump forming in his throat and closed his eyes to stop his tears from falling.

“I love you”, he whispered.

“I love you too” you responded as you drifted off to sleep with the love of your life

[echos-girlfriend]

Am I not good enough?

Tech x reader

Master list

~_~_~_~

You overhear Crosshair teasing tech about how smart you are. Tech takes offense and calls you an idiot in front of you without realizing it.

~_~_~_~

Warning: angst with happy ending/slight love confessions

~_~_~_~

“It’s funny how she fixes the ship’s hyperdrive faster than you sometimes”

You stopped right by the doorway. You made sure no one saw you though.

Tech didn’t say anything but his face looked annoyed.

“She’s says a lot of big words like tech does. She’s pretty smart like him”

Wrecker clearly didn’t understand that Crosshair was trying to get under Tech’s skin. You did smile subconsciously at wrecker’s compliment.

“It looks like someone is jealous.”

Tech just sulked at Crosshair

“What? Loth cat got your tongue.. are you just embarrassed to admit that there’s someone as smart as you”

You thought he was getting a little too harsh and stepped into the doorway to stop Crosshair.

“She’s nothing compared to me! I can program anything and she can’t! She’s an idiot when it comes to most tasks I can do!”

You were absolutely dumbfounded. Tech was the kindest to you. He Aldiss offered advice and taught you all kinds of things.. why would he say that now.

“Um.. tech-“

Echo tried to tell tech you were standing in the doorway but tech interrupted him.

“In fact, I’m insulted you would compare her skills to mine”

Now it was crosshairs turn to stop tech. He grabbed his brothers shoulder and made him turn around.

He then came face to face with you.. everyone was quiet. Tech’s face scrunched in disbelief. You just stood there with a frown on your face and your arms wrapped around you.

“At least you’re honest”

You turned around and stalked to the makeshift campfire outside. Tech was still standing there. He acted out of anger and it ended up hurting you.

Tech needed to fix this but he didn’t know how.. his brothers all left him to his lonesome. He figured they knew he needed to do this himself.

He made his way outside.

“Can you come inside please? I need your help..”

“You need my help or are you just trying to brush off the bullshit you said?”

“Neither.. I’m trying to apologize but. Im not good at it. None of us have had many interactions with people..”

“And that’s an excuse..?”

“Not entirely. I know you understand because you don’t sound that angry..”

“Are you just.. annoyed? Do you feel challenged by my presence?”

“I will admit. Since you’ve joined our team I feel.. less needed. We all had the thing that made us unique or useful but.. it seems me and you have the same gift. And it’s more impressive for you to have your intelligence because you weren’t engineered to be that way. You are actually gifted..”

“Tech.. you are gifted. There are many things I can’t do.. like you said. Which brings me to my final question.. am I not good enough for you?”

“Not good enough? What do you mean?”

“Am I not smart enough to be with you..”

“Be with me?… oh. Oh my. I”

“Yes tech. I want to be with you.. I’ve had a crush on you for a long time.. I admire your intelligence.. but if you don’t think I’m good enough-“

He cut you off by slamming his lips to yours. It was gentle but passionate.

“My dear.. it wouldn’t matter if you were smarter than me or had no knowledge of any technology.. I’ve always loved you.. but my insecurities got the best of me.. I lashed out. And I hurt you..”

“Tech.. it’s somewhat my fault.. I told Crosshair I had a crush on you.. and he was trying to get under your skin. Im sorry”

“You don’t have to be sorry.. now I did actually need your help. My hands are too big to reach the wiring”

You giggled loudly and grabbed his hand, pulling him inside the ship with you.

“And I want your help.. with social interaction and communication..”

“Well let’s start with calling it.. conversation”

You smiled and you both got to work.

~_~_~_~

[dullweapons]

okay so since there are a few hylia’s ( i can count about four ? 2 new & 2 from mutuals on side blogs or side muses … im sure there will be more , hell i wanna write a hylia too lol ) so imma write out how ray actually feels about hylia as clear as i can . i don’t really have a problem with hylia myself ? my only problem with her is her being added late into the games but skyward sword is old like me now so im over it . ( i do dislike that we just forgot demise but imma pretend he’s still here hush— @harbingered for my demise 👀 i will pay attention to him i swear )

ray HATES hylia . perhaps the most out of the gods & deities of the world . he curses her & blames her for a lot of things even when she clearly isn’t to blame . he uses her like a scapegoat . someone to point the anger he feels at when there is no one else to blame but himself . he’ll blame her for the troubles zelda goes through , or link or even ganondorf . because he knows hylia . seen her . felt the sting of her magic . saw her bring up the humans to their safe haven in the sky & leave him down there . she didn’t care .

as a child he was taught to worship hylia, as all the children of skyloft settlement were. his family had small statues of her that they gave offerings too . he would pray to her just as his mother told him to . so he was fine with her … maybe a touch annoyed — but that was mostly towards his mother being quite religious & making him repeat hail hylia when he was naughty ( which was often af )

upon being forced into the ancient battle ; his views were forcibly shifted by his father . not by any commands but more due to his father talking about how hylia cares not for him nor any other demons . lamatar believes demise would do right by the demons & monsters ( was that true ? who knows ) . he would beat this idea into ayrin until he began to think it himself .

“ hylia doesn’t care about me. if she did, she would’ve stopped me from joining this war . she wouldn’t have me here …mama says hylia loves us all but no one loves me. she doesn’t either .”

continuing on, ayrin was stuck by the goddess blade causing a horrible scar that glows similarly to TP! ganondorf’s scar. due to it being a holy blade , it couldn’t go away as easily as death or other wounds for the demonic weapon & he was out of battle for weeks. ( visual ref of rays scar here ! ) i have been debating it be hylia who struck him , but it can just be the first link . regardless , he sat there — scared & angry , not just because he failed his father , but hylia hurt . her blade hurts so so much . hylia is pain .

further down the timeline ; he continues to see princesses & queens struggle with their magic or are forced into horrible situations of the cycle born of demise . he sees link , so young forced into battle & losing his childhood only to become a shell . he’s seen ganondorf turned into a monster of anger & greed for what was once a king has become nothing but a pig . if hylia stayed a god perhaps things would be different . perhaps not . regardless, he blames them all : the golden goddesses , hylia & demise . none of them are free from his hate .

but hylia worship has grown strong again by botw & by then — he is a tired , cynical old man . he works hard to make sure his solders are ready for the war that is coming against calamity ganon . he sees the princess struggle to awaken her powers . he scoffs at her & wonders if the blood of the goddess is finally gone from tainting the royal family.

& he prayed to hylia to save them from the calamity when the calamity came & took over all the sheikah technology & his men died trying to get to akkala .

& she did not answer .

so for the hylia rpers i totally understand if you’re like “ damn he a hater idk if i wanna interact “ because he’s never ever gonna warm up to her . also if you wish to discuss what happened between them during the ancient battle please feel free to DM me ! my default does not need to be canon minus 1: ayrin / bby ray going to the war & 2: ray being struck goddess blade . those two are the only requirements — im flexible with anything !

[additiva]

I personally think it’s more to do with English is more of a second language to a lot of them? No matter how long they have spoken it is practically native or it working in an English-dominated environment.

English is my second language. In my language there exists a word that literally means fuck, the action. But it’s commonly used as the dirtiest? worst? in mostly extreme expression of anger/surprise, same as fuck, it’s pluggable everywhere, than being used referring to sexual intercourse. It’s considered extremely bad manners for a woman to use it, for men it’s more common between them under informal circumstances and off-camera obviously, but still it’s normal to think even men using them as “he has a foul mouth”. And no one would dare to use it in front of parents lol. It’s quite unimaginable for anyone or any reality show or competition broadcasted in my language to use it, of course people lip-read, like in football but so long it’s not “said” to the camera out loud or situation so extreme people wouldn’t deem it uncalled for, no one wants to end their careers for having a foul mouth.

I almost never use it, even when I’m alone at home. But for me now as an adult 30ish the English equivalent “fuck” is just an exclamation of frustration, I even use it in front of my parents, they know the meaning but so long the same word is not said in my language, they don’t care. It carries little significance for me, for my parents and close friends, they see me using it as a picked-up foreign swear word. And I felt ok watching shows with a lot of swearing in English, if they speak this way in my language on a show I might not be able to continue I think, it would be like there’s no point swearing this much that making me uncomfortable.

Weirdly I first learned fuck when I was studying abroad at an international school in north Europe. I was around 10, I learned fuck and shit and the middle-finger from my classmates. They taught me and I used it back at them, and they were very offended and the teacher, she was American, was telling me I can’t do that.

I also don’t care much for what they say in the car, physical and emotional tensions are high, and sometimes people do say things they don’t mean under such situations, and the way f1 just pick and choose what to show leaves a lot of room for manipulation in the media. I know it’s probably because otherwise f1 would be even more boring for casual audience just watching the car, of course they have to throw meat to the wolves for entertainment by broadcasting this way, doesn’t make me like it.

This got so long lmao. I think I was trying to say I understand your feeling, even though it sometimes feels to me as a foreigner swearing is so normal in the English language, and I feel ok about the drivers doing it, but still weird to be that way in a competition/show broadcast in your native tongue.

This is EXACTLY it. This is exactly what I mean.

I read a study one time saying that everything carries less emotional impact in a non-native language. For example, people don't respond as strongly to hearing those sorts of words, but also 'i love you' 'im sorry' etc in a non-native language, because the same emotional and cultural attachments aren't there. And I think it's sort of the same thing.

I personally am not offended by it I think it sort of adds flavour. But to a lot of people it is offensive. I still don't say fuck in front of my parents, and I don't say cunt to anyone. I'm uncomfortable even writing or reading it. I hate reading it when it's thrown around a lot in fics I read, because it triggers an uncomfortable reaction in my brain. Because I was raised to know that it's the worst word in the English language.

In school, or at a normal work-place, even if something surprises you, or you get hurt, or angry, you still can't use them. And when I had students from other countries in my school in my native country, they would get in a lot of trouble, because in English, they're really bad words.

I wouldn't be offended to hear or use the really bad words in your language, but I also would never tell you that they're not bad, just because they don't have that impact on ME.

[offmychest-official]

I dont know how to feel its all just. Painful? Unfair? Idk its stupid.

Me and my queerplatonic partner both have religious trauma (her, Christian. Mine, Buddhist). We are both spiritual in a way still. I'm able to tell the gods that i mean no disrespect but i dont want to be a part of the religion. And im angry that i cannot leave due to parents. I understand it isnt their fault, that my anger towards them is unfair. But i would prefer not to be forced into this. To be controlled, to speak vows i reject. I turned away and left with respect.

My partner... She one day had the urge to speak to god. Said to him she doesnt want to follow in anything taught to be christian. Doesn't want and will not to follow in it. But still wants him to watch over her still. She found comfort in it. In his watch and to converse with him

Its not my place. To feel unnerved, angry at that. Its her decision, her comfort. I kept it to myself. But it feels.... Bad to me. I have no other outlet and its hurting me

The closest i can equate it to is like ur friend starts being friends with a toxic ex that may have become better. But you cant let go of what that ex did.

And of course, she had a dream where she met that god and he hugs her. Said it will not be the last time they will speak to each other. She was eager to speak to him again

It just.... Doesn't feel right

Maybe im thinking. What if he whisks her away again. Starts praying and becoming religious. She just left the hell that is toxic '''christian''' church. I will not allow her to return to that cage

But i cant do anything. Curses of being long distance.

.

[forestshadow-wolf]

I.S.B.T.P.K.F.T.S moments (chapter 4- Part 1)

Fic link written by @tavtarnish. Please go check it out. It is fantastic!

if anyone was invested in this at all, I sincerely apologize for not updating this for so long, I don't really have a reason other than I just got lazy. anyway- ONWARDS!!!

chapter 3 || Chapter 5

The opening of the chapter

The way it definitely implied that soap has undoubtedly been at it for a while. Long enough to settle into a routine. It also shows his frustration really well. The strength that he's hitting, and they way his mind still continues to wonder

Remembering hearing his mother call him angrily from the house

I feel like this is such a core memory for me. Also idk if anyone else had the experience where their parents kicked them out of the house during the summer and then got mad when they didn't make it back in time for dinner. Like I'm sorry?? All you said was go outside, and didn't give me a time to be back? Kinda got off topic here, the point was: core memory unlocked

Little john trying not to make the punishment worse by being gentle with the the door and stuff

I honestly have nothing to say at this point, it's just super relatable to me

Idk if ive said this before but his sisters' names

I just think they're lovely

They way he feels guilt even as a child for not being there to redirect or avoid completely his mother's anger

This makes me so sad :( bb it's not ur fault

The casset that he and his sister were fighting about just days earlier as an apology!!!!!

This is exactly how it is to have siblings, like you'll be at eachother's throats and then something happens and then it's like it never happened. Also never once has a verbal apology been as affective as an action

Also being able to feel the anger flowing off his mother... like that's when you know you're in some deep shit

The whole come home by the time the street lights come on

Is accurate. Relatable. Especially getting back late because fo the changing season...

The disappointment in his mother's voice

That one hurted just a lil bit bc disappointment is always just that much worse than anger isn't it??

And he understands her frustration

That just makes it all the worse, right? I mean he just wanted some more time to have fun with his friends, but that left his mother swamped with everything else. It's really a lose lose situation :/

Not bringing up his father "after the last time"

Knowing when to pick his battles. But also what happened last time?? I can only assume lots of yelling and crying and and just :(

The following quiet

And it's like nobody except you can feel the tension still in the air, and it's like the smallest thing could set everything off again

Im ignoring something for right now I will circle back to it in a moment. But lemme just say his father?

I'm not liking the vibes I get from him... there I said it. I don't like him

His mother brushing over his hair and the back of his head

Look I know I've been making it seem like I think mary is a bad mom, but she really isn't. She's just overworked and doing her best. And john understands that but he also needs to be able to be a kid. And mary needs help around the house bc there is too much to do and only one of her

Ok back to the thing I ignored. The way he wishes for her to just get angry

I think maybe it's bc when people are angry it's easy to deal with, either you argue back, stay quiet, or say/do whay they want you to right? But with the disappointment it's almost the same response just with no visable reason for it. It's harder to deal with because we as people are not taught how to fix it other than to "do better next time" but how does that fix what happened now?

I also want to pint out the bolded part

Bc like the yelling is so much easier to deal with than the calm voice. Maybe it's bc you can still feel the pent up tenson that might have normally been released with the yelling

Also he wonders if it makes him a bad son

And I think, maybe normally people don't wish for that, but it doesn't make him a bad son. Like I understand so completely how he feels, and it's so real that it's devastating. And it doesn't make him a bad son. And I know that because maybe for him it's just easier for him to deal with physical problems than it is for him to deal with whatever this is.

And then the last line of the flashback

God!! I just know he was beating himself up after that. I do. I just know. And it's the perfect segue back into the present moment.

Getting so lost hin his head that he forgets he's even really doing anything

I guess forget isn't really the right word. Like he knew enough to keep doing it, but kinda just tuned everything else out.

The way it all just bubbles up

The lights just too loud, the air hot and heavy with anger and frustration. And he's still aped up despite all the energy he spent. And he tried, he really does try to keep himself composed. But the irritation makes his bones buzz, and he just needs to do something, anything to get it out. And he's so worked up that he doesn't even realize he split his knuckles until he looked at them.

And then it keeps building

It's too much, all of it. The steaming anger, the loudness of the lights, the way his hair remains untamed despite his efforts

Focusing on his hair again, idc what anyone says, his hair is actually such an important part of him. So his hair getting in the way, in his face, even after he tries to rake it out of the way... maybe kinda like how he's having trouble with his emotional regulation? It's kinda like his emotions are clouding his rational thinking, which is a perfect lead to my next point.

Where it all finally boils over

He shouldn't, he knows he shouldn't. But the useless buzzing is still in his bones and flowing through his veins. And he just has to do something or he might just brun from the inside out.

And then the immediate regret

"If it isn't the consequences of my own actions" for real though this is actually an important part. Because sometimes even if it's a personal issue you have to choose the lesser of two evils, even if you don't know you even have options. Also I think the is very much foreshadowing what will happen if he doesn't properly acknowledge the problem, and also shows what it is doing to him in a physical manifestation.

Also perhaps symbolism of not actually vomiting... because ya boy is emotional constipated

Ok im gonna end this here for now, because if this sits im my drafts any longer it'll never get posted. Also sorry if this isn't as indepth as the other parts, I'm doing all of this on my phone.

[cosmically-alive]

i hold this video dear in my heart for very different reasons than i used to. i used to hold it dear to my heart because it was one of few times i felt that the person i loved had admired me. now i love it because im seeing myself through those eyes, full of admiration for myself, full of bittersweetness at how much i miss her... her who saw the world full of beauty and hope and saw the best in people, but also full of pride for the person ive become, how ive persevered through so much and still manage to hold on to an inkling of her, of who i used to be.

how although ive had to put my pieces back into place, and how i can tell i'll never have her again, i'll never BE her again, i have finally started to feel some of her with me, buried, but she's in there and she sends me little pangs of hope and sweetness and laughter. and she soothes me when im angry and bitter and hurt and feel broken and want to tear at the seams..soothes me when i want him to hurt how he did me. she reminds me to love people, to romanticize my life, because thats always been part of me and no one can take it away from me.

i realize now i've been fighting the most for her... to bring HER back.. the nights ive cried and told my therapist i want to be happy again, the time ive spent feeling like something is out of place has all been because i lost her, no, because she was taken from me, stripped. i raised my younger cousin telling her made up fantasy stories that we would then play pretend of. we'd be princesses, warriors, fairies, villains... the patio of my grandparents house would burst with color and breeze and otherworldliness. in summers when i'd spend time at my family's beach apartment with my parents i would swim in the pool by myself and pretend, genuinely imagine, a sea of mermaids and talking sea animals, the world was bright, playful, warm

and the more i grew the more i felt i had to leave this behind, to tether myself to a reality of grey... the same sinking feeling that convinced me when i was with the person who was bringing me down most that that's normal, that that grey and sinking feeling is part of adulthood

i watch that video and it warms my heart to see her, to know that at least in that moment she felt happy, and loved, and admired. i want that for her again. i want that for me too. i may be more prickly, less trusting, hurt, bitter, angry at the world but i, we, deserve happiness regardless. she's with me and always will be. and although i wont be what she was anymore, she taught me so much love and understanding and beauty... she taught me to live my life because its the one chance i get to be cosmically alive. she taught me to see a world beyond the one i live in, to imagine, to escape. she taught me to love and to do so unconditionally, with a huge cowarding fear of rejection and abandonment, but nevertheless unconditionally. she taught me to smile, and to be loud... as if being quiet would make the cosmos forget her existence. she taught me to laugh and to hurt when my presence bothered others because she only wanted joy for those around her even when she didn't know how to bring it

and i will fight for her. i will fight for the pieces of her that no one was able to take from me, that are still here with me. by god im gonna fight for her if its the last thing i do. and with my newfound prickliness and lack of trust, with my newfound anger and fire and frustrations, i will protect her. and maybe one day both our wounds will heal enough to meld us back together again. maybe one day i'll fully feel her again, here with me. till then. i'll fight

[steveandbucky]

what's so unfair about being cut off by someone who hurt you so deeply is that you can't even confront them and get a sense of your self respect because you can tell them that what they did was shitty and it just leaves you hurting and shaking with anger. in all the progress ive made since 2019 literally no one (outside of my family which like, has always been a four-way abusive roundabout with no traffic lights or speed limits, so,) has managed to trigger me this badly to the point of splitting and i know it's bad and unhealthy and i should be trying to reign it in but good lord. as if her desire to be unflawed and "kind" isn't what drove me to this. that's cptsd. that was a fucking emotional flashback. im not gonna bottle up my feelings and suffer silently im going to feel my feelings because my anger is valid because im not wrong for feeling hurt and shocked and betrayed and angry because i know anger is a secondary emotion but it's all you're left with when someone who claims to love you up and leaves and leaves you hurting and makes you feel like you're the bad guy in this story. fuck that.

to lose my friend who has always been kind to me and i now realise she wasn't as kind as i believed. and after that she makes it harder for me to trust her and drags me on for months. like if you knew you were done why couldn't you have fucking said so like an actual adult. i was the only one trying that's what sucks, sure you made no mistakes because you made no real effort. always about you and your priorities and your life. she only ever came back to show me a shred of affection when i was close to giving up. how did she know, right?

it took me a long long time to grow tired of not being perfect. not being allowed to be a person of my own with my wants and needs as if im not trying to recover from the worst period of my life like trigger after trigger and the worst one caused by her. as if i can take on her problems on top of my own because i said to her to think about finding someone to talk to about her trauma and she hit back with "im not gonna go to therapy on someone else's schedule"

i said i don't blame you. i said i understand. i said i am hurt. i said it's not your fault. i said i believe you. i said i don't think you ever intentionally hurt me. i said i know you're trying. i said i forgive you i forgive you i forgive you. i said i didn't want to upset you but im vulnerable and emotional and this is what i need right now until i get my old self back.

and she said i'm (still) an asshole

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

fuck u little miss "i don't wanna be cruel uwu" ok and???? what do you call this you selfish entitled brat lmao yeah im angry but I'll get over it because i've been through worse and i worked through my trauma and taught myself to be kind.

you're just repressed and in denial about it, and you are so desperately clinging onto this false idea of kindness because you made it part of your identity because you're so bored and cowardly like that's the only thing you have ever managed to do. suffer quietly because ur a martyr. be in control of everything because you have to be be perfect because your self image is so low it's in the fucking ground. never feel anger never show irritation never let yourself cry never express a single emotion.

i hope you get the help you need

thanks for making it easier to leave

[darkness-compelled]

I have been taking radical acceptance of the self slowly, but i am taking it. I started with one of my most rage inducing memories, that makes me go blind with the fury it invokes. that me, 21 years old. everything she went through, and all the injustice and embarrassment, and i gave it all one big hug. i told her that she did great and thank you for keeping us alive and getting us here. it was really, really intense. but i released so much anger from just that one memory, the key to that time of my life. i would cry if i just thought about it before. now instead of fury, i feel sad about it. i release myself of the responsibility of correcting the injustices of my life. i shouldn't and don't have to take that on. it's enough to say that sucked and move on. this is new territory for me, my anger has been a huge part of my identity for so long.

just like the chasm I'm filling with myself, the space i held for my mother, any mother, i am filling these gaps im finding. i don't want to be angry, i want to be happy. I'm scared to say happy, scared to say that i am happy. if it isn't a struggle for my life I'm unsure how to navigate, fuck that old rehtoric. i started slow, im pleased, and moving from pleased to recognizing it as actual happiness. part of it is that struggling with mood swings has taught me that even great happiness has an equal and opposite reaction. if i feel good, I'm going to pay for it. that's how i learned to thrive and revel in my own pain and suffering.

it was powerful, to take control, to not let pain be pain. so twisted but the only way i survived and escaped those really dangerous and bad times. now there is no power in owning my pain that way. i can't wear it like a badge anymore, it's not a power move anymore. so what's the power move?

i think it's just falling into myself. i have been seeking connection and friendship, i think partially because it makes me feel like i belong. but i can't put such potentially harmful power in the hands of others. i will pick it up, i fit, i am at home, i do belong, and who are you to claim otherwise?? who are you to treat me a way or act a way at me? i think that's the power move. but without the rage, totally calm removal of drains on me.

I'm growing. I'm mad it's taken so long to get here, but that won't slow me down. if there isn't anyone here that can appreciate me, that's only because I'm rarified. made of uncommon ingredients. i will be kind. i will be soft. and i will be dangerous.

[ifthiswallcouldtalk]

I get so angry sometimes I can't even cry. It just. Like she does this shit constantly. She'll say some shit like "why should we care about palestine when they dont care about us"

When I get visibly angry and try to disprove her point the conversation becomes:

"You're childish and a baby when you talk to me a certain way. And I don't know why you act like you know more than me. I'm your mother who taught you everything and has been everywhere. Why do you think you can speak to me on the same level. I would never talk to adults the way you talk to me"

Im silent

" theres a book i told you about when you were eight that is about this very topic, and instead of reading it you get all of your talking points from online"

You didnt. I didnt know it was there. I dont.

"You didnt tell me"

"Yes i did. And instead of saying yeah mama i forgot ill go read it, you sit here and do that. You talk at me through your teeth. When you do that it makes me feel like im talking to a child. Something small. And i am"

And then she'll tell me I'm hard to have a conversation with. That we don't speak the same language.

Having a conversation with her is a moving target. A fucking hologram of nonsense and she jumps from thing to thing and In the end she owns my tongue. I couldn't speak if i wanted to. I cant explain it

But i can try

My body is a brutalist building. My mother is its sole architect. When it was young, all the scaffolding held her weight and happily muffled her sound. Now she walks through these walls, and they are hollow. Cavernous. Resonant, even. Just as she built them. So, when she screams, her own anger and passion are echoed back. This surprises her, somehow. Must be a structural problem, she thinks. How disappointing.

Being in this house for too long makes a person start to feel like a temple to misery.

[fenhonig]

hey so im salty.

i saw something on reddit today that reminded me of why i feel such anger towards beauty standards. it was a video of a little girl, she couldnt have been over 5 or 6 years old, and she had a birthmark on her face. the skin right above her nose on her forehead was darker and wrinkled. nothing wrong so far, right?

here's the funny part. in the video, it shows this child before and after getting the birthmark surgically removed, which sounds fine on the surface right? even positive?

i cannot tell you how fucking angry it makes me. this kid, this CHILD, had her parents decide that her birthmark was something WRONG with her. they decided FOR HER to have it removed. it boils my fucking blood that her PARENTS, people who are supposed to LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY, saw this unique part of their child and decided that it was something that had to be removed. this kid is going to grow up knowing that this mark was something that was seen as a flaw. and that fucking hurts me.

it doesnt even seem like a big deal at first until you realize that this logic doesnt JUST apply to people with noticable birthmarks. you wanna know who also regularly get their bodies surgically altered at extremely young ages for aesthetic reasons even though there's nothing that would pose a threat to their health? intersex babies. not enough for you? how about babies born with certain deformities that, on their own, pose no threat to their health? do you think its ok to just decide that these children arent aesthetically appealing enough? to just decide for them to make a life-changing surgery happen?

and dont even come to me with the "well some conditions require surgical intervention" because thats not what im fucking talking about. im talking about people who are perfectly healthy, theres nothing about their unique condition that poses a threat to their health, but because that condition is seen as "weird" or "gross", they have their bodies permanently altered without any fucking say in it.

why do we teach these kids that there was something "wrong" that had to be "corrected" for them? why do we refuse to teach other kids that these differences arent a bad thing? why do CHILDREN, LITERAL FUCKING CHILDREN, have to be aesthetically pleasing for their parents to love them? you cant "love your child unconditionally" and then decide that one of their traits is just so unappealing that you decide to remove it for them. you dont love them unconditionally. you love them when they look normal to you.

i dont even care if it looks like im overreacting because this shit can, will, and already has hurt people. imagine growing up and knowing that your parents got rid of a trait that only you had JUST to make you look more pretty. more presentable. it didnt matter to your parents how you would feel afterwards when you could comprehend what had happened, all that mattered to them is that you looked appealing. that you looked correct. that you looked normal.

imagine being at that age and then realizing years later that you didnt look pretty enough for your parents to fully accept you. thats disgusting, absolutely fucking disgusting. children shouldnt be taught that certain traits make you have something wrong with you. instead of teaching kids to accept people and themselves as they are, parents teach their kids that they and other kids have to look normal to be accepted. they dont say it, but thats exactly what they teach.

people shouldnt have to fit into a certain box just to be seen as worthwhile. i dont even think that teaching kids that people outside the box matter too is good enough. we should teach kids that there shouldnt be a box in the first place.

you shouldnt have to look any sort of way to receive acceptance and love. you shouldnt have to BE any sort of way to receive acceptance and love. you're worthwhile. the way you were born shouldnt determine your worth, your actions should. some people arent worth the time, i will admit, but the people who are written off just for being born different deserve so much more.

if you're someone who is hated, seen as gross, seen as disgusting or seen as weird for something out of your control, remember that it isnt you who should take the blame. your own behavior, actions, views, they are what matters. anyone who targets you for something you couldnt control? fuck em.

that is my ramble, im extremely tired, please love yourself. and if you cant then love the people like you, maybe that will help.

[glitchdollmemoria]

i think my couple years in the mormon church gave me an extra soft spot for the people caught up in it. like... i saw my mother go back to it after growing up mormon even after years of not being involved. i saw her want to leave again months later but feel forced to keep going because my stepfather insisted that the whole family needed to be mormon, he believed it and wanted to make sure the rest of us did too. i saw other queer kids who kept their queerness hush-hush. i went to girls camp and bonded with the other kids and teens there. i got blessings that were meant to help me, i started to believe the entry level things i was being taught.

even with all the fucked up shit the lds church teaches, the hateful and bigoted things, i only saw a smidge of it being a queer kid who was still new to the church. i knew my transness, and my attraction to ANYONE really because of my transness, was something i had to keep on the down low, but the people there were still my friends. i have to wonder how much the others in my age bracket even knew yet, since i know theres a lot that doesnt get revealed til youre an adult. and i have to wonder if any of them got out safely.

i get angry sometimes, on behalf of my own community and the other communities thrown under the bus by mormonism. it gets hard to reconcile that anger. there are people who have been and continue to be hurt by mormon beliefs, whether that was the more tangential stuff i was subjected to or the far more severe harm others have experienced. and there are also people raised within the church who dont even know about all that, or are cut off from points of reference to show them why that shit is bad. there are curious adults who get drawn in with the cult tactics used. there are secrets intentionally kept. i dont think that absolves people of guilt from harm they might have caused, but there are so many people who just had no choice. i was lucky, i had a father who didnt believe a single word of it and told me as such - even if his stark atheism led to me getting hurt when i told him i was converting to judaism, back in middle school he saved me from falling for a cult that hated my existence.

i have to wonder too if i was at least part of the reason my mother changed her mind. she knew i was queer, and even if she wasnt always the best ally, i think ultimately she really was trying. years later, when my sister was insistent on attending a queerphobic church, my mother was the one to ask her why she wanted to go to a church that preached against her own sibling. mom wasnt always the best but there was at least a part of her that cared. so i wonder if she was sitting there in the pews at the lds temple feeling worried about me. i wonder if thats part of why she changed her mind. i dont know. i cant ask her.

all of that is a very long winded way of saying i have complicated feelings about mormons and even if i get nervous when it comes to missionaries, even if i dont know if theyd be willing to step into an openly queer persons house once ive got my mezuzah and a whole truckload of other judaica in my home, even if theres a part of me that fears starting to fall for cult tactics again, i cant help myself from wanting to offer a drink and a snack and a friendly chat. im getting to an age where im older than missionaries now, instead of seeing them as "elders" to look toward for spiritual guidance. they get sent out so young to unfamiliar places where theyre constantly being watched. i cant not try to help them, even just by subtly showing them that there are kind people outside the church, and other ways to live. to the point that i find myself thinking about it on my own now and then.

[lauriepinkney64]

angry Created: Wednesday, January 25, 2023 11:30 AM Updated: Wednesday, January 25, 2023 12:32 PM

my process

triggered and angry at my team.  i keep doing the letting go detaching of the romance sitch and still i get this info shoved in my face on tiktok,  one reading is one way then minutes later its the opposite...oh..... i just heard and processed what i just said and shit, wind went out of the anger, dissipated replaced with sheepishness. spirit is showing me i need to trust my own connection to source and to trust that info while remaining open for others further insights but not depending on, and never if it is opposing my own information i get directly.   i am being spiritually lazy and avoidantly overly-independant by seeking outside affirmations from other psychics on tic tok, i couldn't trust mom to have my back, so source is my mom now,  however when i am able to do this for myself and really need to do this myself for my growth.  also i have more trust work to do between me and me and me and my spirit team.and source.  this trust wound is from childhood. its my mother wound, i was a daughter but from age 9 or 10 maybe 11 i became moms confidant and friend. i was excellent and tried to supplement my moms emotional and intimacy needs not met in her marriage. i even did chiropractor work on her during my teens, friend taught me, i was fully supportive and committed as a true friend would be even tho it was far too much for me to handle..  she shared far too much about her money worries and relationship issues with dad.  he was arrogant and ragy. and i tried to stay out of his way or ahead of him somehow, trying to anticipate his moods then preemptively act to avoid conflict, sometimes when i was being my authentic self, (later it hid so deeply that i forgot my true self, rather it was buried under so much pain and wounding) i would trigger my dad and when i had a differing opinion or was being wrongly accused of motives that didn't belong to me i would attempt too stand up for myself and defend my perspective, which was immediately dismissed as he was the boss, i would look to my mom/friend for support, to side with me, and many occasions i was in the right but never, not once did she offer me her support. in a sitch i needed her most.  i now understand that she was afraid herself of consequences and dependent on dad in ways she felt inept at the time,  however her actions led me to accept these uneven, relationship dynamics in friends, jobs and lovers, always settling for less than equal because i didn't believe i was worthy of equal give and take an equal exchange emotionally.  so i would give more and more until i hated everything mostly myself for not figuring out how to become worthy. i hated myself for not being able to make anything work. i dove inside burying myself in myself, 'sleeping' until source woke me up for my purpose.

mom i forgive you for injuring me. you didn't mean to and were doing the best you could and i was and still am honored to have been your counsel as a child, it gave me something special. this dynamic is why im having some issues with trusting source.  my primary relationship had injured my trust in myself and my care-ers. This taught me not to ask for help, taught me i couldn't depend on anyone to have my back including source.  i am feeling it and forgiving the wound and releasing it with loving intent to reunite and integrate with my healthy self.

[tia-saharaaasstuff]

And sometimes

i do get sea sick of feeling the

High and low waves crashing of everyone outside

Maybe i can fix this,

Years of freezing,

they end up fleeting

After they practice their right to tell me who i am

This is not me..

why I need

to be one of the kind

Inner Stand in

the storms we come to realize

Only after our sadness takes off its angry disguise

Watching the peices fly

Musics so loud

Cant handle hearing you sigh

I hate you, I love you.

Bc i know what its like to feel denied

Thats all i knew.

Maybe id be safer if i let my light die,

I cant dissapoint if i dont have a voice that could lie.

But i stayed..quiet..with my inner riots

"Sometimes i just feel like only you understand."

Most of the time

i feel guilty,

for thinking that maybe i can find some peace,

being alone ,

I know most dont see a choice and i seem greedy

But im so tired.

Of worrying about how they damn me if i do

and Damn me if i dont .

So i wont be around waiting for you to decide

Whether you like me today or found a new bone.

They say , "Just when things went right, it doesnt mean they were always wrong."

So i left,

Convinced by a Love so perfect, nothing said

The one i used to proudly refuse,

Unconditonal it stood by

waiting for the moment

when it caught me in embrace after i jumped off this burning bed

Free will, hardest lesson i was taught

Forget it, do what you want

There is always a choice

Where most get caught

Am i wrong for feeling extra safe when the doors got three locks?

What I NEED has been yellimg at ME from

behind each broken dream

Slowly fading frozen in time

I left her behind

All her love,  its all mine.

She was only six,

She was only nine

self hate was a pain

I used to use to get me high

The way you talk to eachother

It didnt come natural,

it was taught

We wonder why we fought

Their battles

Little soldiers

All you wanted was to make beats with your rattles

Raised on Guard

Nows too sensitive

Cover Sold to control

Its fine if you think about what you know

I am free,

not any of the me's you thought

This Love started a Fire and we the melting pots

The Great Flood

Bring us home ,womb waters

Dark nights

Turn to

Watch the warm Sun Rise 

Thankyou Saturn,

This Heart you made strong

This mind you trained over matter. 

One day ill come back

With rivers of hope

Able to Love

Without giving out peices of my

Soul.

You thought were crumbs

portion controlled

I was told, you shouldnt be so much

So i became less condensed

I gave what little i had left

To see you believe again

Id do it all over

Bc now i see the power

In ALL the wallflowers.

Lord i Pray for courage to stay in Love

Practice makes progress

I think id like to laugh more and say less

I laugh in awe of all the connectedness

And when im nervous

I mean excited , same difference

-SCR

1/4/2023

(This night was really beautiful, it started off with being tired, i saw a video that let me express my anger in a healthy way, then i heard another, with a verse that at the core i felt it said, "why not me?" And this was the backgroumd song. Somehow when i write i always snd up making analogies to water, i am a water sign/water placements, and the whole time i wrote this i listened to this song. Relating to the song by thinking about my younger self and my relationships with other people but mostly how i let myself down and how i am being patient with forgiving myself for having fragile boundaries. Letting go of old habits, and old belief habits. Then when i went to screenshot this song bc i like to attach feelings to feelings. Adding background music is a must if i can. Coming to realize the short video on this song was the most perfect. From vizuals to the words. Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou. All love, always 💞