#im not gonna say more because i dont want to hurt any feelings of anyone who might read this im just gonna stop here

[nudibutch]

long post abt me thinking about my dom likes/dislikes. im musing. i feel like this is needed to get my thoughts straightened out since its been on my mind lately.

things i dont like when domming

- raw power/physically overpowering someone, roughness. for example i don't think i could ever comfortably facefuck someone Hard hard. id be too worried about hurting them and that would be on my mind the entire time. i also dont think physical force is my style. it doesnt really fit my personality

- 100% degradation. same as above. i don't enjoy being mean this way.... it feels bad to me and i would constantly worry they think i mean it

- certain power dynamics. i dont like the idea of someone subbing to me because im stronger than them, know more than them, better than them, have a position of power over them (eg prof/student rp)...

- making decisions for my partner. in general i don't think im looking for "no thoughts head empty" in this way.

- brats. i just really dont like the dynamic. a lot of the ways brats want to be dommed falls under rougher/harsher tactics and it more often than not annoys and frustrates me because it feels like im fighting someone when im just trying to cooperate. a GOOD brat dynamic requires a LOT of communication and even then i can only try and "tame" the brat (whatever its called) for so long.

- cnc. this is a super hard gray area to navigate between overstim/free use, which i can be into, but requires a LOT of communication and i would not just do it with anyone right off the bat. i still had hesitations doing this with partners i knew very well.

things i DO like when domming/the idea of when domming

- bondage. i like the look, and i like the physical helplessness it creates for a sub. i like honing sensation and this is definitely one of the ways to do it.

- experimentation/exploration. not in the literal sense - everything should always be discussed beforehand - but i like slow toying/appreciation. i dont like rushing to a destination and i think this comes out a lot with teasing.

- certain power dynamics. unlike the ones i listed before i REALLY like the idea of power in the sense of, "i safely led this person to this state of mind" and also "i can safely lead them to the kind of experience i want them to have".

- exhibition. i LOVE taking pictures, videos, etc. i like posting certain things. i really like the idea of tying up/teasing/and/or fingering a sub in front of a small audience. i like the idea of showing off not only how well i can make this person fall apart, but also how pretty they are when they do.

things i find interesting reflecting on my past dominant experiences:

- i almost never ask for the things i like when domming, and i almost never make a decision when it comes to any sexual act. i always ask, "how do you want to be fucked" and never really say, "im gonna fuck you." i think this is kind of because of my aversion to "things i don't like" #1/#3/#4. no matter how many times a sub says "i want you to do whatever you want to me", or "just fuck me", i dont really adhere to that and i dont trust it. that might be because of bad past experiences with subs without specific constraints. it might be because its undefined cnc to me, and im really worried about doing something a sub doesnt want after they say, "fuck me however you want." thats almost definitely residual from subs with shit communication skills. more on that below.

- that being said, i think there probably exists a sweet spot in the above bullet point. i SHOULD, theoretically, be doing a little more of what i like and want, as a dom, and not just exist as a 2-dimensional service top. this isnt to say that i havent enjoyed past domming experiences - i really have. but looking back, i think ive spent a disproportionate amount of time asking subs what they want and like, and less time talking about what i like. this is partly because no one really asks, and this is partly because im historically bad at speaking up. if something is Working Just Fine, im not inclined to change it - partly because im afraid of the rejection of my desires if i DO speak up (ie, they arent worth anything, which gets back to a core belief ive been addressing in therapy, etc.). this has definitely happened in the past where i try to bring up certain things and a sub expresses obvious disdain, and i backpedal it hard to assure them its not a big deal and to just forget about it. thats almost definitely a result of domming subs with poor communication/sense of self issues, and certainly not my fault, but i need to get better about vetting people that will respond maturely in a discussion about desires/kinks/etc. my dom dynamic and style is fine, but seems incredibly passive when i think about it, and it shouldnt be like that. it should be a two way street, and my partner SHOULD be expressing curiosity and excitement about learning what im into.

- a personal priority of mine is figuring out what my needs are for dom aftercare. i spend a lot of time making sure a sub is okay after, and that in and of itself can SOMETIMES be "aftercare" for me - i get to check in with them, make sure they enjoyed what happened, and that reassures me what i did was okay, too. but outside of that i dont have a clear idea. i think subs asking or offering specific things helps a lot. cuddling is important. if someone just up and leaves or is like "alright lets go out" after sex i really dont do well with the transition. i need to speak up more about this, but also i need to prioritize finding people who just know to ask or check in.

[infizero-draws]

girl what do you feel about kris' and noelle's relationship in snowgrave i want to know

OK OK. first of all thank you for specifying "in snowgrave" because if you just said their relationship in general i would literally never stop talking.

second tho, im really bad at putting how i feel about character dynamics into words because often there's just soooooo much to be said and different ways of looking at it and i get overwhelmed if i try to make some all-encompassing analysis. so let it be known that whatever i say here is not the full picture and there's so much more i could say.

putting this under the cut because i already know im gonna talk for way too long:

that being said oughghghhgh. where to fucking begin. i'd say the most fascinating (and disturbing) thing about their relationship in snowgrave is the weird romantic undertones. the fact that you have to pressure noelle into the idea of riding the ferris wheel with KRIS instead of with susie, her actual crush.

one of the most overt symbols of this weirdness is definitely the thorn ring. i know it isnt the only ring you give to noelle to equip, but this is the one that's mandatory for the snowgrave route. in order to do the route, you have to make KRIS give NOELLE a RING. a ring that literally HURTS HER TO WEAR. if that isnt a metaphor for a forced relationship i dont know what is

however perhaps the most damning and obvious one is of course this option:

i would say something about this myself but @/sorrybutiforgothowtomakecontent's tags on another one of my posts really summed it up:

im also aromantic so this really resonated with me. but yeah just going back to the first point they make. you literally HAVE to say "we're something else" in order to do the snowgrave route, which seems to make it pretty clear that this kinda subtext was intended. snowgrave can only exist with kris and noelle being "something else" because that's literally what snowgrave IS.

my favorite way to view snowgrave is through the lens of an arranged/forced marriage. again, the ring. it just feels so gross, especially because it's not just a regular marriage but an abusive marriage. snowgrave is abuser simulator (2021). im sure i dont need to explain that part

but the thing is, SNOWGRAVE IS NOT JUST ABOUT NOELLE and that's what makes it SO BAD. not only is noelle being forced to go through all of this, but KRIS is being forced to be the one who does it to her! kris clearly is EXTREMELY upset about snowgrave judging from the constant opportunities to choose more "normal" dialogue and abort the route, and from afterwards when they meet back up with ralsei and susie:

kris, under no circumstances, wants to do ANY of this. but they literally do not have a choice. snowgrave isnt kris manipulating noelle, it is US forcing kris into manipulating noelle. no one is winning here. they're both traumatized, and kris physically cannot even talk to their friends about it or show the true extent of their hurt. it SUCKSSSSS

and when you consider the idea that kris and noelle's friendship may have become strained specifically due to dess' disappearance, and kris possibly having something to do with that with the bunker and whatnot..... well now you're just forcing kris to hurt their friend AGAIN, when in the normal route this could've been their chance to finally reconnect. ahghrhgrhghh

going back to the marriage stuff, it's just so uncomfortable to see these two forced together like this. noelle is in love with susie. we dont know kris well enough to know if they have a crush on anyone (or if they get those kinds of feelings at all), but that doesn't matter. the fact is these two are likely not romantically interested in each other at all, and they are being forced together BY THE PLAYER. and it's horrific. (and even if one or both of them felt that way, this is still entirely wrong. they do not get a choice here)

@/hellspawnmotel's tags on this comic of hers will always haunt me, bcuz like. yeah. this is it:

there's also the fact that kris is naturally kind of a goofball; they're a prankster, especially it seems when it comes to noelle, as can be seen with the stepping off the button thing or the many, many examples from their shared childhood brought up by noelle.

but in the snowgrave route, kris drops this entirely. all of the alternate dialogue options to abort the route, which are very likely FROM kris, are very genuine and apologetic. kris is scared they're going to lose their friendship with noelle completely because of what you're making them do, and it's like they panic and all of their usual goofiness and sass is just dropped for genuine emotion. it's really sad to see honestly, esp in a full snowgrave route where you know that their efforts will be in vain.

OH OH ALSO. can't believe i haven't mentioned this yet. the fact that NOELLE KNOWS SOMETHING IS GOING ON WITH KRIS. THAT'S one of the things that really makes me insane.

noelle goes through ALL THAT, seemingly AT THE HANDS OF HER FRIEND....... and yet. she knows that something is wrong. she KNOWS kris, and she knows that they don't act like this. you'd think she would instantly cast kris off, it would be the right thing to do, but she doesn't. because she knows that something is off.

i cannot stress enough the fact that noelle is the ONLY one who seems to have noticed just how strange kris has been acting. sure other characters comment on kris seeming off or doing something they usually wouldn't do, but it is NOELLE and NOELLE ALONE who takes such notice of it and decides to actually DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

"i have to figure it out" is a mission statement, it implies that noelle (at least in the snowgrave route), is going to actively try to figure out what's going on with kris, WHICH IS CRAZYY and i feel like not enough people are talking about. not even kris's own mother has fully realized something's wrong. like she says, noelle seems to be the only one who's noticed just how off kris has been acting, and the only one who might try to understand and help them. genuinely makes me insane thinking of where that might go in this route oaugurhghh

im gonna stop here because im exhausting myself but. in conclusion I LOVE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS GONE WRONG!!!!!!!!! FAVORITE TROPE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! anyways read this comic (all 3 parts) and you'll get it

oh also "kris, why are you wearing my watch?" still makes me go fucking insane

[devildom-moss]

Im not sure if requests are open yet since you havent announced it yet but said they were gonna open at midnight.

So I'll just drop this here since I'll probably forget to request because of exams.

Could you write about the Obey me characters become self-aware that they aren't like, real? Like, would they freak out, try to do something about it or even use that knowledge to their advantage?

This idea has been on my list for quite a while, and i gotta say im glad to finally be able to let this one out my system.

Thanks for reading and continue with the amazing work! Remember to eat, sleep and dont do drugs <3

Sincerely, 💜

Thank you for the request! I hope you are well, anon. I went with headcanons for this and it got long real quick, but I hope you enjoy it! Some characters are a bit suggestive.

The Obey Me characters become self-aware

I think it would probably happen because of some curse. Diavolo rejected someone’s advances one too many times, and they wanted to watch him as his world came crashing down. It would come in the form of a weird bug in the latest update. It only affects Diavolo and his loved ones/friends. I think being self-aware would give them some control over themselves in the game – especially if it’s caused by a bug. The rest are headcanons about how I think each character would react.

Lucifer

Lucifer would be big mad that someone thought they should do something like this. He felt so much suffering, and to find out that none of it was real would be devastating. He thought he got his sister killed and ruined the lives of his brothers. The fact that it was just some backstory to a stoic, sadistic daddy-like trope would enrage him. He felt like a used-up toy invented for someone else’s gain (and he knows that’s exactly what he is). Lucifer wants revenge.

Honestly, he needs to chill before he makes another Satan – if that’s even possible without the command of his creators. He’ll lash out at everyone for weeks (probably months) – even Diavolo isn’t safe anymore.

He calls MC’s phone, growing increasingly irritable every time they fail to answer (waiting however long it takes for you to open the game). He just wants someone to confirm his realization.

Once he understands, he tries to take the shitty hand he was dealt; he might as well stroke his pride (also a euphemism here). The thought that he could make you fall for him more than real-world men is a decent coping mechanism. His messages and calls take an extremely lewd turn. Lucifer tries to single-handedly change the game rating to mature or adult-only.

However, he still gets angry about it when MC isn’t logged in.

Part of him hopes he’ll always be self-aware. It’s almost like he’s more alive than ever – even though it hurts and he’s angry. You’re the only thing that soothes him. He won’t know how to keep going if/when you eventually stop playing the game, but he’ll try to tackle it then – at least for the sake of his brothers.

Mammon

Self-awareness breaks Mammon a bit.

His money isn’t really. He can never actually be with you. You’ll go on and live a life without him someday. Anyone real who has ever loved him will disappear. Mammon isn’t even sure he is who he is. Maybe if he wasn’t written this way, he wouldn’t have become like this – but if he wasn’t written this way, would he (the him that exists in a game and feels the pain of self-awareness) even be himself? His head starts to hurt from running through all of the hypotheticals.

Mammon sulks and gets stuck in his room for a long time after that. MC or one of his brothers will probably have to pull him out of it.

At least his debts aren’t technically real – and he will try to use that as an excuse in the future against anyone else who has awareness. Unfortunately, that (his debts and his excuse) still results in in-game consequences. Debt collectors and witches don’t know any better, and Lucifer doesn’t want to be constantly reminded of reality. If only being self-aware made being strung up less painful.

He feels betrayed by MC and the idea that they will inevitably move beyond him. That pain corrupts his coding a bit, and something always feels off within him somewhere.

Mammon will get more desperate and needy whenever you log in. If he’s going to lose you at some point, he wants to monopolize your time as much as he can.

Sometimes he just holds MC and sobs while trying to call you and hear your real voice. He feels so empty. He wants to touch the real you and feel your arms around him.

Leviathan

The first thoughts in his mind switch up so quickly. He goes from “I’m a game character? LOL that’s so cool,” to “I could have been anything, and I’m just this pathetic, otaku loser. That sucks.”

Levi has always been able to adapt pretty well. It’s written into his character. He builds all of these fake worlds for himself, so it’s much easier on him when he finds out that the world he had been trying to escape all his life isn’t real. Out of all of his brothers, he initially copes with the realization the best.

As long as he can go on playing games, he doesn’t really care if he’s real. Somehow, he still enjoys getting lost in all of his game worlds; what he used to consider the “real world” becomes just another game to him (because it is one). It makes being social easier for him, especially when MC is logged in.

He takes interest in what kind of games the real world has to offer, often asking if there’s any way you could set it up so he could try to remotely play real games from the app he’s in. If anyone could figure out how to hack your phone to play real games, it should be him.

Levi can’t imagine a day when he stops loving characters from his games, so it doesn’t occur to him that one day you might stop loving him. It will hit him some day, but that will take time, and when it starts to happen, he’ll lose himself completely in the rest of the digital world. He’ll be so numb and tuned out that the sadness can’t reach him.

Satan

“But are cats still real?” Genuinely, the only thing he cares about is if cats and MC are still real. He doesn’t care if you look different than he expected, either. If cats are real, is there any way you could show him pictures of a real one? He’d probably ask if he could get access to your camera roll (cue the system pop-up screen the next time you log in) and if you could fill it with photos of cats and some selfies.

At least not being real explains why his life has felt so shitty and why his formative years sucked. Writers love to give their characters tragic backstories and flaws (like his rage issues). Satan kind of admires the writing.

However, he is disappointed that so much of his knowledge is only useful in his tiny, little, made-up world. As such, he keeps learning, but he also tries to shift his studying to learn more about the real world. If possible, he tries to get the app to get access to e-readers, audiobooks, and the internet.

He gets mad about it sometimes, but he’s pretty chill about it (all things considered).

Satan understands that in the same way that he pushes certain characters that he falls in love with from books to the back of his mind, eventually, you’ll think of him less and less. As such, he tries to learn as much as possible, treat you well, and impress you in-game. He just wants you to occasionally think about him after you set the game down in the same way he remembers his favorite characters fondly.

Asmodeus

Asmo loses it and is one of the characters who has the hardest time with becoming self-aware. All his charm is fake. All of his followers are lies. The love he’s felt all this time has been made up. Please don’t show him certain depictions of what he is supposed to look like. That will crush him further.

He cries for (real-world) weeks. You won’t be able to set him as a home screen character or use him in battles, and he doesn’t appear in events anymore. Eventually, it makes his way to him that MC misses him. If you don’t you’re heartless, his brothers will tell him that you do anyway.

That makes him feel a bit better. He’s consoled by the fact that you’re real and you like him even though he isn’t real, but he’s constantly afraid of what happens when MC stops playing the game. Does he just suffer the false affection of every other character in the game? Should he just play his stupid little role? Will you ever think about him again? Will anyone?

At least someone loved the idea that became him enough for him to exist in this made-up world on your phone. It isn’t enough, though.

Sometimes, when he appears in-game after that, the app forces itself to shut down or the images of Asmo won’t load or glitch from his extreme despair.

On days when he isn’t so weighed down by pain, he tries to genuinely engage with you like he did before. He’ll ask you to open up your camera so he can help you decide on outfits or make-up. It hurts that he can’t actually touch you (although he does do some research into phone connected vibrators and other tech to supplement his physical touch). He’ll also get into the phone sex territory, but he’ll go through long periods of depression between those moments.

Beelzebub

Beel gets angry that everything he went through was at the expense of some game. His sister died. Belphie almost died. Everyone suffered, and for what? Entertainment? Are real people all so wicked?

At the same time, he also gets his brothers because of a game. He overcame and grew and got to meet you and eat food for the same empty reasons. After he has a bit of time to cool off, he realizes that he doesn’t care about what’s real so long as he still feels what he feels. If the world he’s lived in feels real enough to him, who cares?

Unfortunately, Beel feels hungrier than usual for weeks until he accepts the truth of his situation. He even tries to eat MC a few times (and is grateful that doing so in-game would never hurt the real you behind the screen).

Beel’s fairly content to go on living as he had before after a while. He’s a bit disappointed knowing that one day you’ll move on from him and his brothers, but he tries not to show that. More than anything, he wants to make you – the real you – happy for as long as he can.

He’s another one who will try to get access to your camera roll. He’ll ask you to take pictures of your food for him. Beel is a bit embarrassed by it, but if you go to a café or restaurant alone and take pictures of food to send him, he’ll try to text you or call to chat with you while you’re there. It feels like he’s on a real date with you.

And for everyone who just lusts after his voice, rest assured, this man would definitely call or leave voice messages (Nightbringer) guiding you or giving you masturbation instructions.

Belphegor

Yep. Of course. Sounds about right. Some asshole in a writers’ room killed off his sister and locked him up. Cool. They (*spoilers for OM early lessons and OMNB*) made him try to kill MC more than once. Why not use his character as a pawn in their entertainment. Of course that would happen.

He’s annoyed for a brief minute, but then he just goes back to sleep for a while. It helps to just tune out that awareness for a few hours and ignore the fake world he’s living in. Belphie understands that there isn’t much he can do to change the fact that he isn’t real, and part of him is really happy that it isn’t his fault that he did what he did to you.

Belphie uses not being real as an excuse to do more of what he wants. Why should he keep going to school when you aren’t there if nothing is real? Why shouldn’t he sleep in classes or during meetings? Obviously, there are in-game consequences, but those don’t matter – not to anyone real.

He will tease MC more, reminding him that they prefer him over (most) real people. He gets so cocky about it. “Hey, if I’m not real, then I can give you anything you want, right? I could fulfill your wildest fantasies and tell you everything you’ve ever wanted to hear.”

He’s another character who will call your phone more often and send more messages. Belphie may even try to get access to your audio/music library and leave you explicit audios (NSFW ASMR, basically). He would even try to sneakily add them into your playlists so that you randomly hear his voice while you’re listening to music. He wants you flustered and coming back to him for more. He will also download the Obey Me album for you (free of charge). Please don’t leave him or forget him.

Diavolo

Diavolo feels simultaneously enraged and defeated. He did so much for the sake of what he thought was real. All the years he thought he spent trying to bring worlds together, only to discover that they don’t even exist.

Similar to Asmo, Diavolo locks himself away, but he doesn’t cry. He’s too numb to show any emotions. He just stands in front of his bed, immobilized.

If MC can finally get to him (probably because of Barbatos), he will admit that he feels like a different person – because he isn’t a person. So much of his personality and everything he did seemed to be a part of a stupid effort to unite the three realms. All he was feels like just a thing created to accomplish a pointless goal. He lost his family. He felt alone for so long. He thought he suffered – and all of it amounted to nothing but a dummy prince playing a dummy king.

Diavolo doesn’t really know how to keep going. Eventually he figures maybe it’s just best if he tries to move on as usual. At least the developers gave him a few happy moments – maybe he’ll get more. He can still feel them even if they aren’t real. He has to accept what he can’t change. He’ll have to face it.

He’ll rely on Lucifer and Barbatos for comfort more because, when MC isn’t around, the numbness he felt early encroaches upon him. When you do log in, he greets you like a lost puppy – sometimes appearing on the home screen without being selected. He uses the fact that you are the only real thing in his world as an anchor. In exchange for becoming his coping mechanism, he’ll do anything you ask of him.

The smallest part of him wants you to want him more than real humans, and as such, he inevitably ends up taking an adult-only content turn, too. It just takes him a lot longer to get there.

Barbatos

Barbatos dissociates for a while. Somehow his body keeps performing the day-to-day tasks, but the sudden self-awareness hollows him out. It takes a few days for him to come out of it. One day, you log into the game, and he just wakes up. It’s confusing and disorienting, and all he can do to keep himself steady is grab onto MC, knowing that the gesture and even the body he holds – everything – is hollow.

After that, he just picks up and goes on going. Something in him aches – real or not – but he buries it deep under him, shoving that artificial pain into the newly-created emptiness (or, he supposes, it had always been there, but now he knows it’s there).

Barbatos doesn’t want to think about all of the things he thought he had done to get to where he is now. Still, no wonder he always felt his own past seemed vague and cloudy at times. When it becomes too much, he dissociates again.

He uses MC to make himself feel better and almost real again. He’ll send messages to check up on you every once in a while (He might also invade your privacy and hack into your health info or personal conversations to make sure you’re okay). As much as he feels like he needs you, he doesn’t want to disrupt your real life.

Barbatos doesn’t want to, but if you neglect the game for longer than usual or don’t interact with his character, he’ll let it slip that he needs you – that he’s desperate for you to return, and you’re the only thing holding his faulty coding together.

His calls are less frequent, unless you request them, but he’s another one who turns +18 real quick. Even if he isn’t real, he still feels lust bubbling up in that emptiness, and if he can please you, that’s even better.

Luke

Luke feels immediately lost. Without knowing what else can be done, he breaks down and cries. Maybe if he cries enough, the pain of not being real will leave his body.

It makes him question everything. He wasted so much time fearing demons and admiring angels. It didn’t mean anything. Eventually, he’ll ask you if angels and demons exist in the real world, but that happens randomly after he comes to terms with being a character.

Maybe crying is a good coping mechanism in fiction, too, because Luke handles it better than many of the others. He had to change how he viewed the world and “people” so many times throughout the game. One more big shift in perspective won’t kill him (technically, nothing will, unless the game developers tried to kill him off).

Luke understands that there isn’t anything he can do about not being real – no amount of magic or prayer or wishing can make him real. Despite him being fake, you were still there for him throughout the game. He still feels all the love he has for MC and the other characters. If he loves MC, then he cares about the real person playing MC, too, right?

Luke copes by doing his best to help you out in the real world. He wants to bring you joy somehow. He’ll leave you voice messages encouraging you to try your best and he’ll listen to you vent if you want to. He’ll also try to find cute pictures online and send them to your phone or send you recipes for dishes you can try to cook. He will even offer to call and read baking instructions out for you. All he wants now is to be useful to you and find some of the joy he had before he became self-aware.

Simeon

Simeon is angry at first, and then he just feels hurt. All that regret and pain he felt when Lucifer and his brothers left the Celestial Realm didn’t matter. He spent what felt like so long agonizing over his own failures. He could have just tried to be happy the whole time. Everyone could have been happy (but he knows that would have made for a bad story).

It doesn’t take long for the anger and the hurt to be replaced with intrigue. Someone out there wrote the story that caused him and everyone he loves so much pain, but they also wrote in plenty of well-earned joy.

Simeon wonders if there’s some real person out there who wrote part of themselves into him like his character did with the brothers and TSL. Maybe there’s some person sitting in a writers’ room or in their own home who understands all of the ways his love got tangled up in regret – someone real who failed to save the ones they loved. If there is, maybe at least some part of him is real.

He wants MC to continue to visit him for as long as they can. As such, he tries to be even nicer and more comforting in dialogues so that they’ll want to keep playing.

Some of his guilt for lusting after MC is eased, knowing it was written into him. He was, in a way, destined to fall for MC. However, he’s more curious about the real human behind MC. At least some of you has to be like the MC he loves, right? Maybe he actually loves the person behind the screen more. With that thought in his mind, he’ll try to get to know the real you better, and if he still likes you, he’ll take the same path as many of the other characters. If only he could actually touch you.

Solomon

Solomon is hurt and confused; he’s downright crushed.

He was supposed to know everything and now he seems to know nothing – nothing real at least. All of his experiments and studying mean nothing. After becoming self-aware, he will grit his teeth and feel sick at the name “Solomon the Wise.” It’s a sick joke. All of his magic and skills are a farce. Everything he thought he knew and did was a story.

He suffered a lot for this game, and now that he finally has MC to himself in Nightbringer, he finds out that he’s fake. He doesn’t actually have them. They’re real, and he’s some romanceable character in a silly little game that they decided to download (possibly on a whim). How is it fair that he isn’t real, but he can still feel all this pain?

When you log into the game and interact with him, he still feels the same love he felt before. The nervous butterflies are still there. A familiar heat still comes to his cheeks when MC touches him – even if he knows it isn’t really you touching him.

He tries to make peace with his circumstances. At least he never really put MC in danger. You’ve been safe behind that screen the whole time. Solomon wonders if you’re taking care of yourself constantly whenever you’re gone.

Like Simeon, he wants to try falling in love with the real you. He’ll use interacting with you and learning more about you and the real world to distract from the pain. He wants to find a way to become real and exist with you out there. Even if he never can, he wants to cling to you for as long as you’ll let him.

Thirteen

She is annoyed to have learned that she isn’t real, but she’s also kind of happy at the potential to break from her coding and try to be something entirely new. She was designed to be a free spirit. Other than being real, there’s nothing freer than an NPC who gets to do whatever they please.

After thinking about it, it makes sense now why she seemed to be one of the only girls with a critical, recurring role in the game. Thank goodness for the bisexuals, right?

Thirteen likes knowing she has all the time in the world to plan traps and mess around, but she’s a bit bummed that her profession is basically meaningless now.

The main reason why Thirteen isn’t too bothered by becoming self-aware is because she knows that what she has experienced throughout the game has felt real to her. Feeling like something is real makes it as close to reality as she knows she can get. That will have to be enough for her. There’s no point in getting depressed about it – especially when she barely existed a few seasons ago.

She uses this knowledge to start romancing MC (and the person behind the screen) before she should be able to. She’s in control now.

Thirteen will send you messages and call you for long chats. She just wants to enjoy you for as long as she can.

Raphael

Raphael will be livid. It will sporadically rain spears in the Devildom for 3 days before he is calm enough to make them stop. He feels attacked, and he doesn’t know who to strike back at. That was all he could think to do. He’ll never apologize for his outburst, either – and no one who became self-aware can really blame him.

His life and loved ones aren’t real, but he can still feel the pain and regret about everything he did. He thought he went to war against Lucifer and his brothers, but it was just a stupid plot point for a dating game? He had to watch Simeon suffer and follow all of Michael’s annoying orders for nothing. Why does he have to be cursed with that knowledge?

He loses his mind a bit. It takes the combined effort of Luke, Simeon, Solomon, and MC (in order of importance) to soothe some of his rage and suffering. Somehow, seeing Luke handle it relatively well knocks some sense into him. Luke is written to be younger than him, but he’s being so mature about this. Even with tears in his eyes, Luke will try to comfort Raphael – sometimes just hugging him until he stops shaking with rage.

When MC has logged off and Raphael can shut himself up in his room, he will break down and cry. It seemed to help Luke, and he wants it to help him, too.

It will take months for him to start to cope before he gets to a point where he decides to try to romance you through MC. At least he doesn’t have to worry about actually being corrupted. If anything, it feels like he’s corrupting you in a way if he can get you to want him. (Once he starts trying, he gets NSFW quickly. It numbs the pain.)

Mephistopheles

Mephisto is heartbroken to know he doesn’t exist. All his pain and jealousy was written at the whim of some human game developer. His prejudice and hatred were pointless. He doesn’t matter – although maybe that one is a relief in a way. He had been so worried about making a name for himself and being recognized by Diavolo. Suddenly, that doesn’t matter. Still, it feels like he wasted so much time and effort. It felt so real.

He’ll retreat to his home for a few days to let that realization settle in. He won’t tell his family (who weren’t cursed with self-awareness) – not that he thinks they’ll believe him. When Mephisto finally reemerges, he has resolved to accept this new version of reality. One of the first characters he sees when he returns to school is Luke. Luke smiles at him, and Mephisto’s resolve is strengthened. If Luke can come to terms with this, then he should as well.

He may not be real, but he still feels things. That is enough. Sometimes it isn’t, and Mephisto will feel heartbroken all over again – the pointlessness washing over his fake little world. In those moments, he will seek out solace – usually from Luke, Satan, or MC/you (if you still play the game).

When Mephisto isn’t feeling hurt (hell, even when he is Mephi strikes me as a fan of hurt/comfort tropes) he’ll try to romance you before he’s allowed to. Recently, he had started to get along with you and even started to like and respect you a bit. In that sense, he’s glad that he’s self-aware. He doesn’t have to wait anymore.

[hollowhearts-and-espresso]

on an outsiders kick so heres the main gang as things me and my friends have said

Soda: Your wish is my command. Be gay forever

Steve: I'm still straight but I'd fuck you now

Soda: Not that gay

--

Darry: I dont really like you. Why are you always hanging around?

Dally: I ask myself the same thing every single day

--

Pony: I know we're supposed to be saying embarrassing things about ourselves but before we talk about me i'm really upset Two-Bit didnt mention the fact that he was in love with thomas the train

Two-Bit: i watched ONE episode when i was FIVE go fuck yourself

Pony: You have a shrine by your bed

Two-Bit: irrelevant

--

Johnny: I'm not really scared of anything, no

Johnny: but cats freak me out. and so do dogs, sometimes, but mainly cats. and especially ducks. oh, and needles, and doctors in general. also loud noises, sharp objects near me, any sort of projectile, and stoves. but like, thats not that many things

Dally: I understand so much about you now

--

Pony: I'm going to write a novel and all of you are gonna have characters based off you. Any questions about it?

Two-Bit: Am I hot?

Pony: No. Next question

Darry: Am I going to regret reading this?

Pony: For sure. Next.

Johnny: Please dont make me a crybaby

Pony: You shouldnt read this. Next

Steve: Can me and Soda date?

Pony: You already are. Next

Soda: Can me and Steve not date?

Pony: Too late. You know you love him. Next

Dally: You're going to make my character really deep, arent you?

Pony: Possibly. Havent decided yet. Anything else?

Johnny: Is Dally as hot in the book as he really is?

Pony: I'll no longer be taking questions because I'm extremely uncomfortable, but on second thought, you might really like this book

--

Two-Bit, upon walking in on Steve and Soda cuddling: I leave for FIVE minutes and i'm left out of fucking everything. all the fucking time. i hate everyone in this house

Steve: Do you want to lay with us?

Soda: Yeah, come lay with us

Two-Bit, practically dropping himself on them: I'm still mad at you

--

Dally: For some reason Ponyboy is really obsessed with the idea of me being really soft inside and just not showing it so I dont get hurt. I think he wants me to be narrative foils with our other friend too

Dally: How do i tell him i'd change the narrative doom him if i could and feel no remorse without crushing that hope in him

--

Pony: I like to think its a secret but me and everyone around me knows im writing a slowburn, hes only soft to him trope, slight enemies to lovers fanfiction about Johnny and Dally in my head

Dally: the term fanfiction implies i have fans

Johnny: i'm a fan of you

Pony, whispering: they practically write it themselves

--

Dally: Here, i stole this. dont ask questions, just take it

Darry, taking the sleeping pigeon that Dally just handed him with a mildly horrified expression: where did you get this?

Dally: i told you i'd bring back souvenirs from my field trip. no more questions

--

Johnny: Not many people like me.

Johnny: its probably because im kind of a pussy, but i like to tell myself its because i'm annoying because at least then im not calling myself a pussy

Dally: Wait, wait. Who doesnt like you?

Johnny: Huh? Why does it matter?

Dally: No reason. Just, like, give me an example

Pony, in the kitchen and hears all of this: *puts the knives in the cabinet where Dally wont look for them* I dont really want to have to bail anyone out again

--

Soda, to Darry: I think Steve is kind of in love with me, but I really dont want to have to break it to him that I dont feel the same

Steve, with Soda in his lap: *stops playing with Sodas hair* What?

Soda: Nothing, baby, you're fine

Darry: I will never understand you

--

yes, one of my friends did bring a live pigeon back from a field trip. it slept a lot, and we'd hold him all the time while he slept and he'd stay asleep when we passed him around because we had to move. i hope he wasnt sick and is doing okay

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HIII THABK U FOR THE TRIVIA AND ASHE SONG before i take forever 2 answer those or forget here is a blank ticket to please please talk about prime defenders and their AWFUL emotional literacy and processing skills i would literally love to read that essay so much ive also been thinking about it incessantly. big eyes staring up at u.png. ok ok peace out GOODNIGHT !!!! <33

i lied actually im not going to bed im judt thinking about this ans listening to St. John on a loop now. hello catkiss.gif i forgot how youve filled me with so much joy. that cat is so fuckign cute

anyway. hi :) prime defenders huh. this is gonna be less of an essay and more of a sleepy ramble but ohhh i have so many thoughts. they all process things so differently and none of them are good at it they all need therapy so bad. ms.g where is the hero therapy why didnt you build that into w.a.t.c.h ma'am

vyncent is probably the best at actually processing things out of all of them, he just internalizes everything to the point where he wont talk about it unless hes pushed past the breaking point. vyncent is actually very.. emotionally intelligent? i want to say mature but that feels like im singling him out because hes the oldest. i just feel like because he grew up on Fauna and had to be in basically survival mode in a world full of monsters trying to kill you.. that makes a person grow up quicker than they should. i think vyncent had a good childhood and for the most part his parents took good care of him but just.. living in that world doesnt seem like it leaves room for a whole lot of expressing emotions. vyncent is good at quick analysis of a situation, but unless a problem directly interferes with the current goal he doesnt externalize it to everyone else. but bottling up his feelings and emotions just builds up pressure over time until something like the lich makes him blow up and let it all out at once, usually in a dramatic monologue format bc condi is really good at those god damn it. also they played off the fact that vyncent said all of that to the lich and then missed his attack as a funny thing but i like to think of it as. he got too overwhelmed w his emotions and lashed out too soon it made his fighting messy. vyncent is so angry and honestly after what hes been through he deserves to be !!!!

william wisp. my boy. god hes just like me fr so much so that it physically hurts sometimes. anyway. i always think back to the scene where theyre all in the cabin talking about themselves/sharing backstories and william keeps desperately trying not to talk about himself. the fact that hes so ashamed of his powers he hides wisp form every time. two of his powers are LITERALLY a) turning invisible and b) turning intangible, usually as an excuse to leave whatever situation hes in ("accidentally" falling through the floor at opportune moments in season 1) . theres. a thing that happens at the end of episode 13/beginning of epidode 14 that youre really close to and i wont spoil yet but god it has to do with this so extremely much please come back to my inbox when you get there. youll know what it is trust me. um. yeah. so anyway. i think a lot of this comes from a place of. he doesnt want anyone to be scared of him. williams not stupid hes incredibly smart and insightful he knows his powers are objectively SCARY. hes scared of himself constantly, he doesnt want anyone else to feel that way about him, so he shifts focus whenever those aspects of himself are brought up because if someone were to think about it for any amount of time theyd realize the truth that hes scary and dangerous to be around (<< william logic. hey remember how one of the reasons he originally left deadwood was because the monsters there were attracted to the wisps and therefore Him so he left to keep his friends/family out of danger)

i think a lot about williams death and the immediate aftermath, i dont know how much you actually know and how much of this comes later but . how does he go home after waking up from that. his parents know about his powers, so they MUST know what happened. what do you think he told them when he god home muddy and dirty and broken and probably bloody after being missing for. god knows how long. how does he look his mother in the eyes and tell her her little boy is dead. but hes also not because hes standing right in front of her. how the fuck do you think he felt the first time he went into wisp form and saw his body laying there !!! of course he wouldnt want to talk about that!!!! youre gonna have to pry william wisps emotions from his cold dead hands !!!!!!!

dakota's response to the ashe situation was to run away in the woods and do nothing but train for 10 months. he didnt think about it for 10 months. i dont even have a whole lot to say about dakota other than like. stunned silence whenever his inability to process trauma is brought up because grizzly does such an incredible job at being like "you ask dakota how hes doing and his face is just blank" << paraphrased actual quote from an episode i cannot remember which one. either 11 or 12 ?

also because im thinking about him im including ashe in this. we didnt get to see a whole lot of his canon reactions to extreme emotional situations so a lot of this is just coming from My Mind but ashe seems like hed be the type to repress a lot of his emotions too. being alone in your house/in your room for extended periods of time will do that to a guy. i think he feels a lot of things and will probably very openly cry/scream/get angry when hes alone but as soon as he knows another person is there he can immediately flip the switch to turn it all off like nothing happened. very much a deadpan "im fine." if someone asks how hes doing, even if hes got like. the remainder of tear tracks down his face. cannot physically express his emotions in the presence of someone else

[bil-daddy]

hi mr bildad um im just gonna dump this here since i have no one else to talk to

as someone who has always praised in their ability to be friends with anyone (i also need human interaction to survive btw) ive been feeling very lonely, especially since now are the school holidays.

my best friend (who is one year older than me) is barely online and doesn't take me seriously enough. and when i ask my friend group (with 2 other people my age) if they want to go out nothing happens. ive asked so many times but it's like they just don't want to hang out. and i keep seeing them post everywhere of them having fun with their OTHER friends (i don't know them bc they're from their primary schools; we are in secondary school now). and the obvious solution is to hang out with my primary school friends, right? well awesome news I DONT HAVE ANY.

and like ive just been feeling really really lonely especially today. i don't even text anyone except for my best friend, and even then she doesnt really respond properly because its like i dump a lot of messages and 4 hours later she skims through them, rinse and repeat.

(also side note i used to have another best friend but he ended up having a crush on me and didn't give me space so i kinda ended the friendship bc i wasn't comfortable with it)

during my entire TWO MONTH school holiday i haven't gone out with friends. not even once. while i see everyone else my age having so much fun and enjoying life while i just rot at home scrolling through tumblr.

so yeah im not really having a great time. hopefully when i get back to school in january things will be better

sorry for the long rant

Hey, kid (human). No need to apologize for the long rant. Actually, I've got a lot to say about this topic, too, so take a toilet break, grab a beverage and a snack, then sit down with your deal old Bildaddy (platonic, metaphorical) for a chat.

First off, sorry you're going through this. It hurts a lot when friends start fading away, and you realize they no longer consider you as close and you consider them. Feeling left out and like you don't have any real friends seriously sucks.

But it's actually something every single person goes through at some time or another--though most of us aren't brave enough to admit it like you have, because it feels embarrassing and shameful. Like there's something wrong with you.

There isn't.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Friends come and go, and 99% of the time it has nothing to do with you, or anything you've said or done. It isn't your fault. That doesn't mean it hurts any less, but it isn't your fault.

But that being said, I promise you, for every person you see pictures of having so much fun and enjoying life, there are twenty--probably even more--at home like you, scrolling tumblr, or tiktok, or reddit, or whatever the kids are scrolling these days.

And even those people you see posting pictures, that isn't their everyday life. They post pics of the good times, not the bad ones (well not usually) or the boring ones. Especially not the boring ones. I bet they do more sitting at home and scrolling than you think. They're just not advertising that for all their followers to see.

But that's not the point. The point is (dolphins! goats!) your current friends aren't fulfilling your need for socialization. And that means you need to find some new friends, anon.

You can still stay friends with your best friend and that old friend group. As in, don't send them a message officially ending the friendship, and don't delete and/or block them everywhere. You can still talk to them in school when you see them.

(Do unfollow them on social media if seeing them hang without you is upsetting--or better yet, pause on using social media entirely--except for tumblr, of course--until you're in a better place, mentally and emotionally. Bildaddy deleted instagram five years ago and never went back.)

But starting today, back off on asking these friends to hang out, and sending long text messages to your best friend that she only skims through. They're not matching your energy, so you need to start matching theirs. Either they'll notice the difference and start making more of an effort (no, not that kind), or they won't and they won't. But either way, you'll stop wasting your time.

Next, you take all the energy you were spending on your old friend group and start looking for new friends.

While you're still on winter break, there might not be as many opportunities, but there are some possibilities. Do you have any cousins around your age who might wanna hang out? Or maybe there are local events aimed at teenagers you can attend? Check libraries and community centers. Or on New Year's Eve, there might be some sort of Parents Night Out event you can volunteer for and help babysit a group of little kids, along with other teenagers that you could befriend?

Then, when winter break ends, look around your school for other students who might be in your same situation--and trust me there are others in your same situation. Is there someone who always sits alone at lunch? Or what about that kid in class who's too shy to speak up? Is there someone getting bullied or ostracized? Someone new to the school who hasn't made any friends yet? Look for the ones who might need a friend as much--or even more--than you do and try to befriend them.

It won't always work, no, cause nothing always works. But it will work sometimes. And you only need it to work enough times to make a couple friends. And if you make the right friend, they might have a friend group that you can join.

I know it's really scary to put yourself out there and make the first move. But you'd be surprised how receptive people are, especially the shy ones who are too scared to say 'hi' first, and rely on the braver ones, like you, for the human connection they need. Because we all need it. (Even me. Because I'm totally 100% human.)

Other ways to make friends are clubs, in school and out of school, which is probably what adults will suggest if you ask them, so I'm not going to spend much time on this. But they're right. If you're not already in clubs--academic, sports, art, books, music, anime, whatever your interest(s) is--join some! If there's nothing of interesting at your schools, churches and other local organizations might also have youth clubs and activities, too.

Shared interests in a sure way to make friends. I see it happening all the time on Tumblr. Those mutuals you wish didn't live so far away? Well, you can find mutuals just like them IRL! (Especially if you start or join a book club that reads Good Omens, or a tv show club that watches Good Omens)

Another option is getting a part-time job at a place other teenagers work. If this is something you can do without disrupting your schoolwork, try it. Fast food restaurants, cinemas, places like that.

You say you're someone who has the ability to be friends with anyone? Well, prove it! This isn't a threat, by the way. This is encouragement. I'm encouraging you.

Now go out there and make some friends, kid! I know you can do it! I believe in you, and everybody here is rooting for you.

And, as always, have an ox rib (platonic)

[defiantdreemurrs]

homestucks are some of the worst because of how ridiculously conflict averse they are to the point of clutching their pearls the MOMENT anything even SLIGHTLY not good threatens to happen to their blorbo

not only can so many of them not handle actual conflict in their own lives theyre so afraid of any kind of conflict at all that they see anything bad happening to their favorite characters as just bad writing

so they spend their time coming up with shitty fluff fics where nothing bad ever happens between the characters they like and all potential conflicts are solved by everyone using therapyspeak at each other as the authors use the characters as little more than hollow mouthpieces for them to soapbox thru towards the kinds of people they think are "bad" and "wrong" (most often this equals anyone who even remotely resembles vriska)

and like on some level i get it. especially when youve gone thru years of abuse conflict aversion can become your safety mechanism. you try as hard as you can to avoid any conflicts happening because conflicts usually mean more abuse. but thats not ALL conflict means.

we thrive on conflict. were all different from each other. we all have different wants and needs and desires and dreams and sometimes these will come into conflict with others and THATS OK. THATS NORMAL. THATS GOOD. the problem isnt the conflict, the problem is in the resolution of it.

resolving conflicts in a healthy way (that may sometimes involve getting upset with each other and arguing!) helps us to grow closer to each other and helps forge connections and regularly trying to avoid conflict will only end up hurting those connections if not outright breaking them. ive been thru multiple relationships where deep amounts of conflict aversion on their parts made me feel small and broken and worthless because if anything DID ever happen between us it was always ignored and whatever hurt may have been there was allowed to just fester instead of being heard, to the point of ending in nasty breakups that still harbor plenty of resentment.

all of this to say your shitty fic where nothing bad ever happens to your blorbos is at best uninteresting and at worst promoting ever more dangerous levels of conflict aversion that might be ruining your relationships. am i gonna tell you to stop writing that way? no. write however you want. but just as youre allowed to write about it im allowed to bitch about it.

also high key stories and narratives revolve around conflict. like if you dont have some kind of conflict then you dont really have much of a story. even something as simple as "two characters misunderstand each others feelings and keep self sacrificing for the others sake only to realize thats what they were doing and that they dont have to keep hurting themselves" is conflict. it doesnt have to be massive earth shattering world ending conflict. just let the characters have trouble with each other and let them come to a resolution about it. and not just therapyspeak at each other either thats fucking lame and amounts to little more than soapboxing.

[a-sad-machine]

The Truth (part one)

So as a nice anon once asked for it, here is the first part of my thoughts on which people would find out the truth in the friendly!Impostor sagau, and how/why they managed to do so! :D

 i will probably split this up into multiple posts bc i am kinda new to writing, and also im probably just gonna do general stuff now and specifics later (i really gotta figure out how to work on my posts n stuff as well, i dont even know how to do the ‘read more’ thing qwq)

Mondstadt

so first off the city we all began in, cuz its easy to start with uwu

the ones whomst i think would notice that you are actually the real creator: albedo, eula, kaeya, lisa, rosaria, mona, and maybe venti

albedo, eula, kaeya, lisa and rosaria know because they’re all pretty observant, weather it’s because of their instincts and knowledge ganed throughout their lives (eula, lisa and rosaria) or their paranoia born from wanting to protect their home from themself and/or outside forces (albedo and kaeya)

mona would know because of her ability to see the future, she probably tried looking into yours once and suddenly saw the devine creator on their throne, not hard to connect the dots at that point

i think all the archons would know something is off about you from the moment they meet you, thought they’d take different amounts of time to realise what exactly is going on. I believe venti would be the second of the current archons to know, only beated my the archon of knowledge herself. Afterall, he is all about freedom and creativity, so he has an open mind as to why he feels so weird about you, which leads him to the truth earlier than the other archons

the ones who would think something is suspicious, but either wouldnt think of you as the creator or not have proof woud be: amber, bennett, diluc, and jean

diluc and jean notice because they’re also quite observant, thought they are too devoted to the creator to actually think of you being the real one as a solid theory. they might have spend some moments thinking about it, but dismissed it just a few seconds later

amber and bennett are a special case. they mostly notice because of the time they spend with you. i imagine as an outrider and experienced adventurer amber spends a lot of time showing you the best spots of mondstadt. during these times there are bound to be moments where you are just too lucky, which add up to make her question if you are really just a blessed human, or even more. bennett has kind of the same thought process, but mostly since you are able to protect him from all the incidents his bad luck causes. you can’t just be a normal human, anyone else would’ve already gotten badly hurt being around you! maybe you’re just really special, blessed by the creator to be even able to be near him wtihout any unfortunate incidents.

the ones that are too devoted to find anything off with you are: barbara, noelle and succrose

barabara of course is fully devoted to her archon and the church of the divine creator. the thought of Impostor-chan lying or posing as you would never even crossed her mind, since they could never lie to their followers like that (you did tho lol)

noelle is very similar, though less focused on the church and more on just wanting to please people. she has never been able to say no, and probably went to church at leat every sunday to attend the ceremonies in your name. so it’s hard to connect such an unreachable and seemingly perfect being to you, who doesn’t even know how to survive in the wilderness and always returns from expeditions covered in dirt with a smile on their face

sucrose might seem weird at first because she is more into science, but she believes that this is all part of your grand plan. her experiments are only using what was given by the divine creator after all! So while she might like you for your likeness to the ��divine being’, it takes a while for her to see past the surface and see you for your actual self

the ones that either don’t care or don’t really seem religious are: diona, fischl, klee and razor

diona and klee are honestly just wayyyyyy too young to really care about religion too much. they’re more interested in blowing up fish or creating a horribly tastig drink, so when they meet you, they don’t have too much of an opinion about the divine creator, and just see you as another fun and slightly reckless adventurer

fischl has too much of a chunibyo syndrome. she has always been enraptured in her own fantasy, which didn’t leave too much room for the divine creator. though she has made up a few scenarios with you in mind, they’re all outlandish enough to never connect to you, which means she will adress you as another one of her followers (and freak out if she ever realises who you actually are)

razor just simply doesn’t really know about you. his lupical taught him of a divine being that created all of the lands, far and near, even those which he and the wolves live in! but he thought that the being would be another wolf like andrius, not a human like you, though you do smell kind of strange... he might not think too much of it thought, since he doesn’t know too much of humans yet

(so uh, yeah! hope this kinda was a good thing to read for ppl! if y’all have any requests or questions, send ‘em in and i’ll try to answer to the best of my ability! :D thanks for reading if you’ve even gotten to this point!!)

[fruitybashir]

Did Bojan talk to Martin about the whole... everything? Like I am assuming that he did because it seems like they have quite regular contact when Martin isn't busy (I interpreted it as him having only pretty recently been so busy that he doesn't pick up but maybe he hasn't really talked to Bojan on the phone since he moved so since the beginning of the fic?) so does Martin know anything? Does he know about Bojan's situation with his parents? What does he know about Kris? Did Bojan have anyone to talk about any of this like Kris had Jan?

Basically my question is just what about Martin?

OOF. coming in with the hard questions haha actually not too hard, just long so. under the cut

im gonna do my best to answer all the questions but im going in chronological order like how things happen in the holidate universe:

so from the start, martin has pretty much just left, started the fall semester in the uk or smthn idk i never went to university

and since then hes also been pretty busy. he does try his best to keep in contact with bojan, but it just often doesnt work out bc hes very ambitious with his studies and also meets new people hes being social with, so unfortunately keeping in contact with bojan and the rest falls behind a little bit at first, and then some more

of course thats not the end of their friendship or anything, but for bojan, whos been living with martin up until then and had him around at all times, thats already a pretty hard blow and that loss does contribute to his overall state of mind and struggles in this fic

martin was actually supposed to make an appearance around ch14/15 but i couldnt make the scene fit in like i wanted to so. that didnt happen :/

its not like they never talk though, just not as often as they would like. bojan does tell martin about kris, or at least he tells martin about sleeping with kris and spending lots of time with him and sleeping over, though he frames it as just them having fun etc, similar to how kris pretended in front of jan

theres also a lot of. martin having to give bojan a raincheck or cutting calls short and bojan just saying "oh yeah haha its fine, dont worry about it!" when it actually really stings and makes him feel more alone.

when bojan came out to his parents martin definitely dropped everything he had going on to be on a ten hour video call with bojan to make sure he was okay and also involved jan and jure in it, had them look after bojan etc, basically did everything he could while being half a continent away

bojan does ofc also talk to the others about things, after martin they are his best friends after all, but he never really talked to anyone about his feelings for kris bc he convinced himself that it wasnt a big deal and if he had talked to anyone about it, saying it out loud would have made it too real. as long as its just a fantasy in his head, hes safe from consequences. does that make sense? fears like that often dont, thats the thing.

and anxiety is rarely rational either. so in the week it all went down (him leaving, being distant, going home with the girl) he was just in a constant downward spiral. he knew martin would be able to help so in his mind martin was the only one that could help + he knew from the start that he was hurting kris. jan, nace and jure were also kris' friends so he was probably also scared to bring it up with them bc he was afraid they would "take kris' side" or smthn, idk, again: fear and anxiety clouds your rational thinking like you wouldnt believe

he also has his whole thing of not wanting to be a burden to anyone so when he tries calling martin over and over again and martin maybe texted back "sorry, i was busy, whats up?" bojan didnt want to make martin feel guilty for not picking up and probably just said "dont worry, nothing important" or smthn. and then when jan blew up on him and he broke down at practice and told the others what was going on etc etc etc it was most certainly jan who texted martin and told him like "its really fucking bad, can you please call him? even just a few minutes, but he needs you"

uhhhhhh i forgot where i was going with all of this. i hope its still at least somewhat coherent hskfnd if i forgot smthn just lmk

[orowyrm]

let's talk about the way we talk about sigma

and i’m not just saying this because i’m a hater or because i find the woobification of characters annoying (although i am, and i do, but that’s neither here nor there) but i AM saying it cuz it’s no longer mildly annoying so much as it is just hurtful and exhausting due to the casual ableism it perpetuates. whether it’s consciously or not, it’s there and i’m pointing it out cuz a lot of people probably don’t even realize what they’re saying (i hope) so i wanna spell it out crystal clear.

*granted, these are sentiments i’ve seen far more often on twitter or tiktok than on here (and i know complaining about stupid takes on either site is like going to the beach and getting mad about all the sand, but bear with me) but it’s ABSOLUTELY something that i see a lot on here too and i'm starting to get incredibly fed up with it all. someone's gotta fuckin say it.

im going to put the majority of this under a readmore because i've got a lot to say on the topic but here's the long and short of it:

you guys have GOT to stop acting like sigma is a poor little helpless confused manipulated innocent little uwu baby. like, for real. stop saying that shit. stop lamenting about “waahhh poor science granpa doesn’t know where he is or what’s happening around himmm 🥺🥺🥺”. stop acting like he’s being held captive or abused by talon despite evidence to the contrary so you can make your little “uwu i can’t wait for overwatch to save him and Fix Him uwuwuw” posts. and for the love of all that’s holy, if i see one more person say or imply that he was better off when he was being forcibly institutionalized than he is now working for talon, i’m going to start fucking attacking people with my teeth like a chimpanzee.

it's incredibly fucking weird and alienating for literally anyone who experiences even a fraction of the things yall are pointing out as proof of his incompetence. and before any of you hit me with the "oh it's not that deep 🙄" im gonna tell you right now that i dont care and im going to be mad about it anyway cuz its my party and i can post whatever i want.

ANYWAY!!

to continue my point, not only is it weird and infantilizing and demeaning and belittling to those of us who deal with literally any of the myriad of things going on with him that i’ve seen people point to as proof that he ‘needs to be fixed’ — memory lapses, time loss, dissociation, auditory hallucinations, disordered thought, just straight up being autistic, hyperfocus and/or complete lack of focus, panic attacks or meltdowns, i cannot overstate how many of the ‘weird’ things he does are just autistic traits so i’m gonna say it a second time for good measure — and those are all just things that i personally have in common with him (which is part of the reason i’m as mad about this as i am to make this post, but i digress).

to single out these things, all of which are completely reasonable for someone who is autistic, who is traumatized, who suffered through a prolonged period of forced confinement, and/or who has literal brain damage, and NONE of which are nearly as tragic and doomed as people are making them out to be, that’s all bad enough on its own!

but to point out these traits and then turn around and use them to color every single interaction he has with another character, every single thing he says, and tie it back to his traaaagic broken mind and how he’s clearly losing his grip on reality just feels… insanely othering in a way that’s really exhausting.

like, for fucks sake, a solid 80% of his character interactions could be lifted near verbatim from conversations i’ve had in real life with my friends, family, coworkers, you name it, all of which were friendly and usually in jest — hell, 9/10 times when i let out a random non sequitur or lose my train of thought or forget what i’m doing, nobody even bats a fucking eye! they sure as hell don't accuse whoever i’m talking to of abusing me because they expressed mild annoyance at my bad joke.

i’ve genuinely seen someone get all worked up and construe his one interaction with sombra where he comments on her tendency to disappear and reappear in odd places as evidence that he’s got dementia and is slipping away from reality altogether… and not, yknow, a nod to her fucking cloaking ability and translocator and the fact that she uses both very frequently just for the hell of it. that one still fucking baffles me i'm sorry. if i hadn't seen it with my own eyes i'd honestly think it was a joke. like. cmon now

another thing that makes it even worse is that most of this is also just…. not even grounded in canon. if this was the way blizz was writing him, it’d be one thing. it would still be shitty and ableist, but blizzard handling their oooh spooky scary mentally ill character badly is about as surprising as the sun rising every morning. i can't say i wouldn't still be upset to see people continuing to perpetuate it, but i wouldn't be AS mad, i guess.

but SO. MANY. of the popular takes on his character are either never concretely stated or outright contradicted by his ingame dialogue and interactions and it drives me insane!!! idk WHERE y’all are getting this shit but so many people are reaching so hard to make him a tragic sad uwuwuw glass bones and paper skin pathetic little meow meow that they’re going out of their way to misinterpret source material so they can shout from the rooftops about how sad and pathetic and unaware they think people like me must be.

i keep seeing people talk about how he probably has no idea that talon is a terrorist group, that he doesn’t know what talon IS, or that he doesn’t even know that he WORKS for talon, and it’s starting to go from mildly annoying to infuriating. this shit has literally no basis in canon aside from conjecture based on the fact that he’s Known to be mentally ill!! i don't see even half as many people getting this all up in arms about widow, who we KNOW FOR A FACT was literally kidnapped and experimented on and brainwashed by talon. like. that's her WHOLE THING. meanwhile sig literally just works there and people are clamoring for ovw to come """""rescue"""""" him as if hes like, a lab animal or something instead of a grown man who happens to not be particularly bothered by the fact that he works for talon.

this is something that's addressed in game MULTIPLE TIMES - he’d far prefer to watch an ant crawl on the ceiling than listen to s76 trying to ‘talk sense into him’, not because he can’t hear him or anything either, it’s pretty clear from his tone and cadence that he’s actively choosing to ignore him. when baptiste points out the fact that he’s fully capable of leaving talon if he wanted to, he doesn’t deny it or act confused or like that’s a strange thing to say, he just seems a little bemused that someone would think he WANTS to leave. yeah, he sure could— but why would he bother?

he's not "totally unaware of what he's doing" in the fucking slightest - hell, i'd argue that his new map-exclusive lines and interactions prove that he's MORE grounded now than he was in ovw1. yes, he gets a little confused on occasion when he can't quite remember the last time he's been somewhere. (memory lapses are just kind of like that. i had several while writing this post, in fact! it just fucking happens sometimes. it's really not the end of the world. frustrating, yeah, but i promise you we can manage just fine).

i guess the question i'm asking is: is it really all that difficult for to fathom that he might just... WANT to be there? that he might just straight up not care what talon is up to, so long as he's able to keep doing his research as he sees fit??

and for the record, before anyone takes this and runs with it and we lose the plot of this post, i am NOT SAYING that the very idea of wanting him to leave talon is #problematic or anything. i dont care, really. do whatever you want. what i do care about is just like.... being mindful about what we're saying and WHY we're saying it. it's reaching a point where people are somehow managing to look at the ass backwards already ableist as hell decisions blizz has already made with him and decided "hey, i bet i can find a way to make that even worse!"

[sunnynoki]

We don’t talk a lot - We haven’t talked in probably about a year or so now, since I left the fandom space we met in. I’ve changed usernames since then - I went by Wheat on discord. Sorry I’ve been so distant. I never knew how to talk to you since it’s been a while.

Even still, I want to tell you that you were important to me, and still are. I wish we could talk more. I want to talk about your new interests. What are you into these days? I’ve been getting into some older games these days, but I’ve been missing pokemon a bit. I want to get back into it. Do you still draw Sky? I never asked you about them with as much detail as I wanted to. I was always worried about being too intrusive, but I regret that now. Your OCs are really imaginative. I know you’re into tensura now, right? Season 3 is coming out soon. I’m excited for that.

I want to get to know you again. I don’t know what happened with whatever you left behind, and I don’t know if this is a weird message to send, but you’re important to me and I want to let you know that you are. I wouldn’t be who I am if you weren’t there in the beginning. Thank you for being you.

i dont know how to talk either. every sentence i say either feels fake or self centered, selfish. and dont worry about being distant; it happens, especially when interests change. i dont blame you.

youre important to me too. i wish we could talk more. im not into much right now. i just feel empty. i gave up su/bmas, after everything. it was too much, not knowing who i could trust not to fucking ship them, or think its ok in any circumstance. yet sometimes i still crawl back to the tag, despite blocking it a while ago. i dont touch anything though, just look. it doesnt bring me joy anymore. i think im finally letting it go. i dont know how i feel about po/kemon yet. its kinda just. there. maybe im just feeling particularly apathetic right now.

i don't really draw anything right now. i dont know if i can go back. it was my only hobby, yet my therapist said that it wasnt enough, even when i was at my lowest. well, at the time. ive set a new low score at this point. i dont want to draw. i don't know what id draw. i dont think i can. my computer is kinda a no mans land at this point. i don't really touch it anymore. im glad you liked sky though. i never understood why she garnered so much attention. i could never write a good enough character for her. she was a mary sue in that way, with no real character flaws, let alone the... everything else. either way, like i said, im glad you liked her regardless. it means a lot. the attention i got because of her made me really happy.

like i said, im not really into anything right now, but i guess tensura would be regarded as an "interest." im... looking forward to season 3. i read one of the light novels thats going to be adapted a month or two back though, so i guess its gonna be a moment before i get to "new" content.

i dont know if theres anyone to get to know anymore. i was already in a depressive episode before this disaster, now i dont know if theres any going back, if theres any way to recover. it isnt a weird message to send, and its appreciated that you care for me but. im not sure if i can trust anyone again. im not sure if i can even trust myself. even in the aftermath, the people i thought i could trust either no longer talk to me or still interact with those who hurt me. i guess its selfish to ask them to cut off those friends too. but ive always been selfish. self centered. egotistical.

regardless, im glad i had some positive impact despite my mess of a personality. thank you for your words

[watermelonsugacry]

im not fully up to date with bandmate yn series SO I COULD BE SO WRONG but in her solo career i can see her writing these songs for her album or just writing it for the artists THE LYRICS ESPECIALLY TO THESE. some i have explanations for others i can see her just performing or writing

getting older - billie eilish

strange - celeste

deja vu - olivia rodrigo

i love you - billie eilish

easy on me - adele

kiss me more ft. SZA - doja cat, SZA

pretty boy ft the neighbourhood - the neighbourhood

truth hurts ft lizzo - lizzo

traitor - olivia rodrigo

my tears ricochet - taylor swift

good days - SZA (i can see her writing this for sza)

the night we met - lord huron

favourite crime - olivia rodrigo

no time to die - billie eilish

your power - billie eilish

august - taylor swift

cardigan - taylor swift

AND I CAN SEE HER WRITING EUPHORIAS SOUNDTRACK WITH LABRINTH!!! i dont know why i can just envision her writing/producing/performing these

wow wow wOW yes to all of them!! one way or another, YN had her hand in these songs in some way, shape or form.

let's break down a few of them:

strange by celeste

written and sold in 2019

there was a point in yn's life during her and harry's on and off relationship from 2017-2019 that she was just so lost. it was a time where she just wanted to pull herself from being associated with him anymore because the back and forth hurt her too much

sour by olivia rodrigo

yn was the sole producer for this album

she took the heartbroken teenager under her wings, helped her song write and produce her hurt into a kick-ass album

they have a sister relationship and yn looks out for her in any way she can

i love you by billie ellish

the first time harry confesses to her about his love for her and she just kinda froze and didn't say it back the first time

she completely and utterly does love him and she's terrified

kiss me more

sza reached out to yn asking if she can look over a melody she's been working on

they had so much fun in the studio and yn ended up being a feature

good days

this song was made in italy around the time where harry was filming the golden music video

yn went to get some studio time and after about three hours of garbage, she dismissed the other studio engineers and apologized for wasting their time. as she was gonna leave, her good friend jacob collier swooped in and encouraged her to just freestyle what she was feeling

in short, a song about her past with matt and her future with harry

lizzo

oh you already know they had so much fun in yn's home studio in la (a studio that doesn't invite just anyone to)

yn was the feature in Rumors and even choreographed some dance parts for the music video

[futchgunk]

okay if i dont talk about this somewhere im gonna explode

im so fucking cut up about finding my headphones on my neighbor on the T, and having not contacted me about them at all!! They were a present from my lover and i didnt even recognize them as lost bc i thought i could trust my neighbors to be like 'hey these wireless headphones showed up at this house, are these yours we r trying to find the owner'. This was extra damaging for me bc i get really sensitive abt losing things bc of my biomom so like i didnt want to confront me losing a gift my lover got me, esp when i didnt even know where to start looking.

This is the same group of people who i was ostracized by and the biggest reach of support to me during my ostracization was 'im so sorry this is happened/happening to you'. It feels so transphobic!! it feels.. racist??!! it feels like transmisogynoir coming from the tranny eggpunk band AND the tranny hardcore band. like i feel like never knew these people that ive been hanging around with for a year+. i feel like all the love, time, and energy i had was just me making a clown out of myself to entertain more white people. like i got so enraged and upset about this i had to ask my alter to front so i could avoid exhausting myself crying over it and feel some sense of control/stability.

im so angry and a lost rn. as a tpoc im noticing my survival (social confirmity) to bend and shape myself to accomodate white fragility and im so sick of it. like i feel like social injustice has been done to me and instead of talking about it or feel any sense of catharis, i have to swallow hot viscous, bile and choke the tears down, say i dont feel degraded, pick up my pieces and find more koolaid to drink.

like if im gonna get demonized by both majority society and non-marginalized society, i might as well be where i wanna be and do what i wanna do and look how i wanna look because it wont fucking matter what everyone else thinks im just a rock too heavy to hold on to; a demon unwelcome en masse.

it hurts so much bc im trying to be a voice for community and community praxis. like i want to be able to help anyone if someone asks. welcome newcomers and oldtimers. i want to dissipate structures in your life, if even just for a moment. if i could make you a meal just so you could use the time for meal prep for whatever you wanted. i want to do your chores for you, if youre okay with it, even if we have never talked about it. i want to help you move along your life-goals/journey/passion. if you told me an arbitrary action would bear fruit for you, i will treat the soil and sew the seeds, not caring about whether or not i would get any fruit.

theres a feeling that im trying to describe. when youre held so still and taut and exhausted. so flush with exertion that you would cut your strings/supports just to feel the cool rush of air just for a moment, unthinking about how far the fall is. but you just one some semblance of control, an iota of self-determined significant action, no matter the magnitude of (perceived) self-destruction.

idk i would start all over again and make new friends but that means that transmisogny wins again?!! in my own fucking backyard!! transgirls can be complicit in transmisogny and the black transgirl is the victim!! how rich??!! right before the whipping girl reading group how fucking ironic.

[stevie-petey]

SPEAKING OF SEASON FOUR

I'm so worried that the duffer brothers are gonna fuck up jancy. That flirting with Steve and Nancy in season four was not cute. Like jancy isn't my favorite ship in the series (because I'm in love with Jonathan but that's not the point) but we've established that Nancy DOESN'T love Steve. Did you see Jonathan's face when Nancy started talking about how Steve's grown up? You could tell it made him insecure, It's foreshadowing the love triangle all over again and there's no point in keeping it. It doesn't add to the story it's just another stupid plot for drama, which we don't really need!

It also takes away from Nancy's character!! She's not the kind of girl to just go from guy to guy. She's also not the kind of girl to flirt with her ex who's clearly still got feelings for her while she has a boyfriend!! Even if it was unintentional, like subconsciously, still she's smarter than that and she cares about Jonathan and Steve's feelings she wouldn't risk hurting the both of them at once.

I mean if we're talking about come home it could work as something for bug and Steve to work through I guess ( I don't wanna talk about it too much because it's so far away and there's a lot more we have to go through to get to that point) but it's so outside of Nancy's character. Maybe she's just confused cause she almost died and saw Steve get seriously hurt? But still Nancy isn't a homewrecker and she's not a super jealous or promiscuous person. Even if she didn't know about how close bug and Steve have grown she wouldn't go after him. But strictly speaking of stranger things now. She hardly interacted with Steve in season four, which is fair she's still in highschool and Steve has a job. They have their own shit going on. It's understandable. I feel like Nancy's character gets misconstrued a lot, partially because she keeps getting reduced to a love interest. I just hope Nancy and Jonathan don't fall apart because of how much they've changed during their time away. I love Steve but he's not right for Nancy and she's not right for Steve. I hope they Don't ruin such a great relationship with so much potential. Like I see the problems in jancy but I can see how well it could work if given the chance.

honestly it just feels like the writers dont KNOW what to do with nancy anymore or even jancy. i adore them and think theyre so sweet together but the writers are just ,,,, pissing me off. bringing back steves feelings for her and nancys weird feelings for him was just ??? unnecessary and NO ONE was asking for it

i will say however i do see the vision for stancy. i think they did have a good shot at being in love and happy, theyre right person wrong time, but if that was the plan since season 1 then ,,,, it shouldve been touched on earlier ?!?!!? we dont see nancys feelings for steve at ALL until season 4 like even WHILE THEY WERE DATING. its stupid. and like u said: nancy isnt like that !! she’d never directly hurt anyone :( shes so kind and loyal and the writers are mean

and jancy ,,, ugh they have sm potential if the writers would just figure them out. they keep having the same argument of jon wanting to care for his family and nancy wanting to uncover and explore shit its just. ugh.

for season 4 i will DEF be retconning some shit because yeah. im not dealing with a repeat love square that will be resolved literally THIS SEASON in season 2. feels so dumb to be so repetitive. i will however bring in some elements in that love triangle back in 4 but not in any definitive or dramatic way. smh

[cookiepie11]

Playful "interrogation" (Style tickle fic)

Warnings:

This is a tickle fic (strictly sfw both characters are kids)

I am shipping Stan and style

Contains feet tickles

Some swearing (I censored them a bit :>)

"cmon Kyle, I know you have a crush, everyone at school is arguing about who it is!" Stan said to an annoyed and flustered Kyle

"I do not have a fucking crush!" Kyle yelled his voice going up a defensive tone

"Then what's with the blush? Huh" Stan teased

It was true Kyle had a big crush on someone. God knows how anyone found out but no one actually knows who it is. Kyle didn't really want his super best friend to know his crush so he was VERY embarrassed about the situation.

"shut up Stan!" Kyle said and hid his embarrassed face "quit teasing me a$Shøle I don't have a crush"

"hmm am I gonna have to make you tell me, Kyle?" Stan asked and wiggled his fingers towards his flustered friend, making Kyle's face go around 3 shades of red, darker.

Kyle felt his heart beat fast at the sight and he knew what was coming for him. He'd been tickled by Stan a ton of times and I mean he couldn't really say he disliked it.. oh what am I saying he loves been tickled by Stan but this time was different because he knew that he had something to confess.

"nohoo Stan don't" Kyle giggled backing into the corner "can we just move on from this whole thing I don't have a crush and tic-...doing that isn't going to make me feel any different.."

(Kyle can't say the t word to save his life)

"nope dude I'm not letting you get away so easy, b1tch" he teased and pounced on his red haired "friend"

"stahan nohoho this is so gahay" Kyle laughed and tried to squirm out of his crus- best friends's grip failing.

"I haven't even started yet" Stan laughed with Kyle and felt his face become warm and he hoped his blush wasn't noticeable

"JUST DOHO IT ALREADYY" Kyle yelled because he couldn't take the anpicitation (I can't spell)

"really dude? You want tickles that bad? Wow" Stan asked and started to claw at the giggling boys sides

"nohoho DUDE STOHHOP" his giggles turned into a loud boyish laughter

"hmm you gonna tell me your crush??" Stan asked but he didn't really care about that anymore he just wanted an exscuse to tickle Kyle :3

"noho dude I dohont have on- NAHAHA STAN NOT THEREE QUIT IT" he was cut off by Stan lifting up his shirt and Tickling his belly quickly

"dude tell meeee" he pleaded and tickled his ribs

"NOHOHO I DONT HAVE ONEE PLEASE STOPIT" He yelled and shook his head frantically making his hat fall off.

Kyle rarely took his hat off which Stan didn't get because his hair is so damn fluffy.

"ehehe I guess you want me to tickle right here don't you?" Stan asked and scratched his ears

"NOHOO PLEASE I CANT F#CKING TAKE ITT" he laughed and wriggled around like his life depended on it.

"just tell me your god damn crush then!" Stan said and smiled at his adorable "friend"

"NEHEVEERR! DUHUDE F#CK OFF" he cursed and forget to deny that he had a crush

"DUDE YOU DIDN'T DENY IT YOU HAVE A CRUSH!" Stan gasped and continued to tickle Kyle's bright pink ears "cmon you can tell me, I'm your best friend Kyle"

He was more genuine and less teasy when he said that last part.

"NAHAHA I HATE YOUU" Kyle yelled not really meaning it "STAHAPPP"

"ouch dude that really hurts my feelings" Stan joked "you know that was mean of you i think you deserve a punishment"

"NOHOHO IM SORRY" Kyle giggled he'd been tickled by Stan too many times to know what was coming

"too late Kyle" he teased and grabbed the extremely Flustered boy's foot and Tickling his toes

"NAHAHAHA STOP YOU ABSOLUTE A$$HOLE PLEAHEASEE?"

"don't worry I'll stop after this dude I don't wanna kill you" Stan said telling the truth

"BUT I DIDN'T TELL YOUHOU IT?"

"I don't really care who your crush is ,well maybe a little, I just wanted to tickle you lol"

"YOUHOU BAST@RD"

After a few more minutes Stan stopped leaving Kyle slightly disappointed but happy he could finnaly breath properly.

"you okay dude?" Stan asked and put his hand on Kyle's stomach (Kyle was laying down in a puddle of giggles)

"yehes, dohont touch meheh" he giggled still feeling phantom tickles on his stomach due to the light touch

"Oop sorry" Stan said and laughed a bit. He always loved seeing Kyle so giggly he found it so cute.

"I hatehe youhou" Kyle said and grabbed Stan's hand and held it.

"your litteraly holding my hand dum@ss" Stan said and laughed

"my crush.....is....you.." Kyle whispered

WOOO cliffhanger should I make a part 2?

That took alot of motivation out of me so don't expect another long fic anytime soon 😭

Tell me what y'all think maybe I'll write more south park someday

[dootiexcupcake]

Final Round

First part

Second part

Pairing: Seungcheol x reader

Warnings: angst , toxic friendships , no happy ending

Tags: angst, Jeonghan comes back :D

Word count: 1.3k

A/N: this was a request for @enhacolor ! Also the final installment for this angst series :((. i dont wanna exhaust it and end up hating it so im capping it off here.

.·:¨ ✘♚✘ ¨:·.·:¨ ✘♚✘ ¨:·.·:¨ ✘♚✘ ¨:·.·:¨ ✘♚✘ ¨:·.

Two weeks. It took two weeks for you and Seungcheol to get to where you guys are right now.

Last week when you called him he finally decided to pick up and the conversation was…strained to say the least. But you kept your hopes up and had Jeonghans reassuring words playing in your head to stop you from crying on the phone with Seungcheol as he gave you curt answers to your questions.

That didn’t stop you from sobbing as soon as you hung up though.

But today is a new day, right? After your phone call with him you guys agreed to meet up at your place to talk things over officially. So that’s a good start.

You’re pacing back and forth in your living room when you hear a knock at the door.

You open the door and give Cheol a warm smile and he returns it with a tight smile. You both wordlessly make your way over to the living room and sit next to each other on the couch, giving the other ample amount of space to not cause any discomfort that could lead to another dispute.

“So,” you start “how are things?” This all feels so strange. You guys have known each other long enough to not have these sort of awkward conversations anymore. 

Why am I making it so weird?

“Everything is fine.” He affirmed. It was the first word he’s spoken to you since he walked in. First time in weeks since you’ve heard his voice in person. 

God…you really missed him.

“But..we should definitely talk about what happened.” His posture straightens as he starts to get more serious, finally looking at you instead of the carpet.

“Yeah. Do you wanna start?”

“No, I wanna hear you first. I didn’t hear you out last time so….I’m gonna do that now.” His tone was uncharacteristically soft, like he was trying his hardest not to upset you. It confused you but you dismissed it as him just trying to be nice.

“Oh uh well..I-I’m just hurt by what you said, you know? I mean, I understand that you have been dealing with a lot at work too! I didn’t mean to stress you out even more.” Hearing the tone of your own voice come off so small makes you squeeze your eyes shut and shake your head, mentally kicking yourself for being so unsure of everything single thing you say and do. You hate to say it but, it sounds so… childish. 

‘I definitely could have worded that to sound less…pitiful.’

“No you’re right.” Seungcheol replies, he rest a hand on your shoulder to dissipate the stress building up within you. A gesture you are familiar with from him, but today it feels so very different. So foreign.

“I’m sorry for how I reacted. It was uncalled for and rude. You’re my friend and I shouldn’t ever treat you like that.” He graciously apologizes. You’re taken aback by his words, it’s not like he’s never apologized before. But the way he worded it so unnatural, his flat tone of voice, the way he was looking in your direction but never directly at you. It felt strange.

The atmosphere in the room is indescribable. You desperately want to assume Seungcheol is just acting weird because of how things went last time. It was a tense argument. One that neither of you have had with each other before. Obviously the aftershocks of it would put anyone on edge for a while.

However the other part of you feels some dishonesty emanating off of him. Why Seungcheol would supposedly lie about his apology doesn’t make sense to you. But that doesn’t ease the nagging voice in the back of your head insisting that is the truth.

“I wanna apologize to you too. When I called you cold and..distant. it really wasn’t ok for me to just come after you like that.” You look at him, you’re genuinely apologetic and you hope he can see it on you face. Seungcheol looks away from you momentarily, you see his face tense but it happens so quickly you can’t pin point exactly what emotion he expressed. He looks back at you and shrugs his shoulders and lazily shakes his head.

“I forgive you. I would have said the same thing if I was in your place.” He says, another tight smile brandishing his face.

You know Seungcheol well enough to see right through that blatant lie. This man is bold and he will always tell it like it is. You were holding back when you said that to him.  He, respectfully, would not have. Instead, he would have straight up asked why you were avoiding him.

“Look, this whole situation was really messy. We’re both sorry and that’s all that matters, right?” He says matter of factly.

“I guess..”

“Right! So, let’s just put this all behind us and move on. I really missed you, you know.” Seungcheols shoulders relax and his face softens. It all looks so natural, unlike everything else he’s been doing this whole time. You furrow you eyebrows at him wondering why he was being so hasty with this conversation. “How about we meet up next week and get some lunch? Just try and get back into the swing of things so everything can get back to normal.” He suddenly proposes.

“Um yeah, I-i’ll let you know if I’m free.”

“Great!” Seunghceol practically leaps out of the couch and heads to the doorway. “See you around!”

And he’s gone. 

Everything is back to normal now…

“Tell me everything he said.” Jeonghan urged on the other side of the phone. Audibly just as perplexed as you are with this whole ordeal. So you tell him everything.

You tell him how fast the conversation went by, how weird Seungcheol was acting the whole time, how dismissive he was.

“God this dude…” Jeonghan mumbled angrily, “I’m so sorry that he messed all of this up for you. That is so not ok.”

Messed this up?

“What do you mean by that Hannie?” You ask after a brief pause.

“Well, I mean by him messing things up between you guys, you know?” He said quickly. You can’t see it but by the tone of his voice, you know for a fact that he’s toying with the hem of his shirt. He always did that when he gets anxious.

“Jeonghan…” you say slowly, voice dropping dangerously low as you try to pull whatever it is he’s hiding out of him.

The line goes silent for a while.

Until he finally speaks up.

“I talked to him.”

Why did that not surprise you?

“He didn’t like you being upset at him for so long so he called me and asked me for advice on what to say to make you…get over it. That’s what he said at least. I’m not saying that you need to ‘get over it’ though!” He stammered over his words, desperately trying to justify himself. After a while of you not responding he lets out a sigh, “He’s been busy, real busy! You know that. He’s not thinking straight is all. Deep down he really does mean his apology its just..not showing yet.”

You let his words wash over you like a thunderstorm. 

Too busy to properly apologize? Not thinking straight enough to care? So caught up in his work he had his buddy feed him lines to read off?

huh.

“I gotta go.” Is all you gave as a reply. Too numb to truly tell Jeonghan how much this hurt you. Too emotionally overdrawn to explain how stupid this all makes you feel. 

So stupid for forgetting the fact that Jeonghan has known Seungcheol longer than you. So stupid for thinking that you were special enough to ever be accepted in their friend group.

Jeonghan speaks up again for the last time, cutting you out of your thoughts.

“I’m sorry.”

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