#im only here because i remembered people perceive me

[heartsfortwotpot]

OKAY IM FINALLY DOING THIS

hi hi hi hello!! (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)

I'm eleanor / jovial. i use any pronouns + pup/woof/paw/bone im an african american agender girl aroaceflux ambiamrous (wow quadruple A) lesbian, that uses a lot of horror and dog related xenogenders. my current hyperfixes are object shows and umm. something else. im the most multifandom mf out there.  I LOVEEEE TWO TPOT!! like a lot. a little too much actually MY AAMMAAAZZINNGGGG PFP IS BY @tealares-art​ GO SUPPORT OR ILL BE UNDER YOUR BED TONIGHT!!!!!!!! /J i usually tag my creations (mostly art) with #eleanors ancient sea

oc tags: #sharkfoods #matrixland

im not sure if I made this clear but MAP AMD PROSHIPPERS GET THE HELL OUT UR NOT WELCOME!!!!!! /SRS

ill be posting art (occasionally) and my thoughts here so yeaj. i barely know how this website works so be kind to me please BAIIIII FOR NOW

[maxiwaxipads]

Romarriche - “Your company is one of a kind… I would never lie to you. I would never say a half-truth or be quiet.” “What is it in your mind, Merold?” “Hearing your voice, complaint or not—it is music to me either way.” Merold - “If there is one constant in this world… Let it be you.” “You’re the cruelest and the kindest thing that happened to me.” “…If only you continued to look at me like that.” Romarriche - “…Merold?” Merold - “But~ It’s only a minor case of bad-mood-itis.” “So Romarriche, spoil me with a spar, will you?” Romarriche - “Merold.” Romarriche - “Look at me.” Merold - “…” Romarriche - “Is something… Wrong?” Merold - “Instead of a spar…” “I might want to lie down on your lap after all.”

[beescake]

PLEASE PLEASE MEGADUMP THE ARASOL!!! PLEAAASEE MR BEESCAKE I AM ON MY KNEES BEGGING YOU

HFHGHD GLADLY aaa i’ve been adding notes to it here and there for months but just hesitant to post it bcs im 🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂

also this is just my own takeaway of the events, it doesn’t necessarily comply to the Ultimate Truth of Canon-Alignment or represent the actual facts of what hussie intended! v sentimental smh but hopefully its still interesting to read

i love when characters inform each other by proximity, it's one of my fave things to see in media :') it feels even more significant when two characters deliberately choose to stick together, so that when one operates, you can tell the other is similarly aligned in associative solidarity.

sollux is a keystone of this trope — whoever he aligns with is a wordless statement, a nod of approval. this stood out to me bcs the main four humans were alr friends by default, but once you reach hivebent you realize the trolls can actively choose who they want to hang out with.

and as we all know, after assessing every troll's biases/loyalties, sollux is the only one who maintains his selective preference for innately Good 👍 people.

aradia is such a beautiful character honestly, she evokes such incredible feelings in me. she might not have been consistently written with care but the best parts of her character are truly stunning. i think it's easy to remember sollux as the self-sacrificing one bc he's so open about it (and his friends frequently react to his Moments) but when you compare him to aradia, it's always struck me

how much more. raw it is

to be so alone as an agent of time, having to orchestrate immeasurably harrowing events nobody understands or gives a fuck about

with your role painted in the story as one who must tend to the needs of the narrative, responsible to match every next note

because when you're given the capabilities, it becomes your duty to carry it out.

it becomes expected of you to keep experimenting and arranging the machinations to work for everyone, dusting off hundreds of necessary failures to keep going

and having to be so unwavering in your drive knowing miserably that there's no one who can help you but yourself.

or alternatively: to make things fun! so other people won't think twice about letting you go off on your own.

sure she's had some very good buds, notably thanks to Team Charge v Team Scourge antics.

and yet, at the end of the day, the one friend that kept choosing her time and time again was the friend with the highest standards.

i can see why people like to define arasol as moirails/matesprits but surprisingly i find the nondescript, unlabeled aspect of their relationship more straightforward to understand.

there's no shortage of people who would accommodate sollux. most of the surviving trolls are his oldest friends bcs he’d chosen them well. his transparency with his feelings had built him strong friendships that won’t falter or break, regardless of how much of a dick he can be. they’ve already seen and accepted him at his worst, and they still like him for who he is.

contrast that with aradia, who'd been so approachable, friendly and reliable in her exchanges it was super fun to talk to her. but the moment she became depressed, all her connections broke down.

her friends became hesitant to interact with her (until she became god tier, “happy” and amicable again) because her gloom and resignation didn’t serve them. she dealt with it alone.

there’s def something of note here abt the disparity between the way male & female characters are written+perceived in homestuck (esp parallel arasol with davejade) but i won’t go into that lmaoo

with this in mind i like to think of sollux as a gift to her, a loyal companion given to complement and commend her resolve. she's capable of doing so much alone but hussie took the time to build her and sollux's relationship as one of a unit; a set.

the ambiguity of their status does complicate things, but i do believe it makes sense with their characters. aradia's relationship with romance is a rocky one, the dubious stringalong equius had with her is a pointed reminder that her feelings of attraction are ultimately controlled by the author writing her.

unlike the other trolls who can openly address and own up to their crushes, aradia had romantic emotions forced upon her (especially when hussie implies 'she kissed equius back on her own volition'). and it seems like her character is so intrinsically neutral abt attraction that even when forced by the almighty powers above, she's unable to retain it wholly.

however, looking back to pre-game when she could actually "choose" her own feelings, she did have a crush on sollux.

their soft spots for each other were so obvious to the point where other people could see it.

taunting aside, when vriska comments on their unit as bf/gf it actually informs the audience that arasol's relationship is romantic in nature despite not aligning with the quadrant system.

even while dead, aradia could still describe her care for sollux, expressing that she would like to see him happy. if they had more time to explore their relationship on alternia, it's possible they could've settled in a quadrant once they grew older.

but going back to the lack of labels, their dynamic was affected once more when aradia became god tier.

to me, her ascension was both the perfect culmination and possible closure of her character. it's the light at the end of her journey toiling through countless of timelines where she had to actively assess and participate. that's why it's cool to see her being silly and having fun giving guidance, passively exploring and watching other people do their parts.

and yet the joy of her freedom makes it hard to explore further introspection. if we take her by her word, she'd already come to terms with the hurt she's been through and forgiven those involved.

i can't help feeling attuned to how impersonal and detached it can be, to devote and meld your identity so completely with your designated position as Maid of Time until you've become hard for your old friends (and even some readers!) to personally connect to.

idk post-canon but i assume there’s some degree of similarity to be bridged here with aradia's god tier and how the hs2 humans' Ultimate forms was described as a consolidation of all their possibilities. since aradia's classpect is inherently of service to Time, going god-tier may have elevated her beyond personhood with the "game construct" possessing her entirely. sollux doesn't realize the extent of it bcs he's still mortal, but a part of him may have subconsciously understood this.

i think there is a core aspect to aradia that was lost to the dehumanizing glory of god tier — a core aspect that may have contained an element of why sollux enjoyed talking to her in the first place.

to him, aradia hadn't just been a nice girl, she was a cool girl. despite not having much in common, he's still willing to chill next to her so she's not alone while she does what needs to get done.

back on alternia, they held a mutual and equal-level regard for each other that could've definitely settled into something permanent. but now, he's placed himself in a position where he can be kept around or left behind at will. the parameters of the relationship are largely in aradia's court, so any label she suggests to identify their relationship with he's likely to accept.

but that's why it's so difficult to label it. because god tier aradia may not necessarily Want quadrants or relationship labels. rather than the initial romantic attachment, their commitment to each other had evolved into one fundamentally of companionship.

no label? ok fine. no matter what, he still thinks she's a good soul worth latching on to. the best, actually. aradia > everyone else.

even if it gets stilted at times. there's an unexpected struggle to connect when sollux's go-to default for talking points is his feelings about things, and aradia may not want to talk about emotions all the time.

not to mention god tier aradia became an observer, especially of chaos. but sollux's avoidance of involvement comes partially from his innate pressure to get involved if something goes wrong. and he can't always tell when something goes wrong, because aradia doesn't mind if things go wrong anymore.

it's a non-negotiable preference that causes them to take the occasional time apart, a new boundary that wouldn't have existed before the game and aradia's god tier.

but just like how his friends tolerated his moods, sollux accepts aradia as she is. with no quadrants, their connection doesn't break down because there's no implicit romantic expectations to be disappointed by or resentful over.

sometimes when i see hs content that deliberately distances sollux from aradia, i assume this is the dissonance people might have felt. people might find it "easier" to be cynical about them bcs of this strange tension.

but idc lmao. grab that shit by the neck

lack of easy resolutions and cleanly tied ribbons is pretty standard of homestuck and imo it doesn't make arasol's dynamic any less incredible. with the right affection and consideration, there's still so much potential to develop the nuance of their relationship outside of the popular quadrant-based depictions.

hs has a lot of really great character compatibilities but the way aradia and sollux are in their own special orbit is why i can write this much about them in the first place. it's that frail innocence between first loves that makes it so sweet to me, two kids who grew up too fast playing guesswork without being clear where they're going.

ultimately i do think you're meant to feel a little tragedy for just how much they care for each other, even if they can't quite establish it in simple terms.

maybe they keep taking breaks to progress their own paths. maybe they remain as anchor partners while seeing other people. but even if you decide to separate them, they're still (awkwardly) texting each other updates all the while. and when they reunite it feels like coming home.

and well. more than anything, i like to believe that they do want to be exclusive.

they're just afraid. after all, they're still learning how to love, beyond the projections of the foursquare quadrant system they had inadvertently distanced themselves from since young.

they might not have everything figured out, but they'll get there eventually if you just hold them together and write them there.

optional post-canon segment:

one of the limitations of main hs is that (monogamous) relationships are often written as the go-to solution to wrap up character growth; it's an easy "patch" to imagine characters getting their happy ending because they have a partner, and those who don't end up with someone don't get that closure (most notably jade).

hs2 reaffirms this by suggesting that aradia's character cannot progress without letting sollux go, because happily settling in a relationship automatically locks your potential.

that pathetic panel of sollux staring emptily into the sky is still my fave hs2 spoiler ngl i find the impact of their parting so emotionally provoking precisely bcs they were written in original hs to be each other's forever, coming back together again and again

but now, they're subject to the decisions of the post-canon authors who might choose to deviate from that.

it's not new for them to part, but now there's an underlying worry that her dropping him off this time might be the last time. while i think the prospect of shattering their stability to make them grow separately sounds fun on paper, no amount of me desperately hoping for a good execution is gonna guarantee it

idk. i guess prediction-wise im expecting sollux in classic dramatic-hs2 fashion to tell dave to back off aradia LMAO. otherwise it's just gon be sollux and karkat pathetically watching aradia and dave from a distance swimming in their unresolved feelings for narratively-powerful time players smh obvs it sounds corny as hell but who knows its still plausible

srsly tho i hope they take the opportunity to develop arasol's relationship in a fresh direction that doesn't hurt me too badly...... and i hope they force sollux out of his comfort zone. i like watching him struggle :-)

[minimiaarts]

Redesigns!

My redesigns of these three :3c Shadow's EMO !!!!!! Here are some of my headcanons for them!

Shadow:

Triangle & Spike Motifs: he's sharp!!!

He's got loads of piercings because how could he just choose one?

I would've given him 20+ more belts but settled for only 2, gotta be semi-realistic. He's a trend setter.

The boots give him at least three inches of height

Double A for Autistic & Asexual mf!!!

He-Him; but he probably doesn't perceive gender or shit "are u man?" "Im the ultimate life form" he don't gaf what people refer to him as, least they remember who he is.

Sonic:

Rings! Rings & Lightning Motifs !!! he is speed...

BIG OL' GREY SWEATS!!! He's a grower not a show-er.

The sweats also give him an upright triangle silhouette = hero silhouette

He DJ's on the weekends & uploads music to SoundCloud--he's a micro-celebrity on there

This mf can't tie shoelaces ... so he wears velcro shoes (the buckle is NOT functional, purely aesthetic ..........)

he's somewhere on the spectrum, where? yes

Aromantic :3

TRANS because I said so

Amy:

Heart Motifs--she is my sweet passion <3

Freckles because CUTE !!! :3c

She wears HELLA mascara, makeup is her expression and she loves the drama. She also helps Shadow with his eyeliner :P

She can talk to her Piko Hammer (& she responds in tweets/chirps) ! Hearts follow after each wing :3c

Only Amy can lift the hammer, its like Mjölnir

Bisexual Cis she-her Queen

ADHD--she has a HUGE fixation on astrology

She's colorblind (Tritanopia exactly) !!! its why she confuses Sonic & Shadow (it's my only explanation)

Share y'alls headcanons with me--I'd love to hear them :3c

[May 23 2024]

[dollfaceirene]

irene's 101 guide on how to improve your self concept

hear ye, hear ye! I heard you're tryna improve your self concept but have absolutely no idea where to start so i've made this post to help aid you and hopefully answer your question on the 'how' of improving your self concept.

Firstly, what is your self concept? Your self concept is basically who you perceive youself to be.

For example, if i was to say "do you think you can manifest a sp?" and your response was "ofc not, im not worthy enough" ya da ya da ya, then you perceive yourself as someone who isn't worthy enough for a sp.

Here are some reasons why your self concept may be a lil shaky & how to fix it

You always seek validation from the 3D

As someone who's known about the loa for like 2 years now??, it's basically the unspoken rule to not seek validation from the 3D of your desires materialising because,

a) the 4D (your imagination & inner self) is the cause and the 3D (outer reality) is the effect

b) The 3D = neutral, it will only reflect whatever assumptions, desires, etc that you persist in.

How to fix it?: Become present in your 4D/imagination, thats only what matters. Affirm you only seek validation in your 4D, visualise, etc because at the end of the day, it will always be 4D ➨ 3D, not the other way round!

2 . You easily waver

Wavering = switching between states, Do you find yourself persist in one assumption (one thats the new story) but as soon as you see the opposite in the 3D, you find yourself re-affirming the old story again? Then you're wavering!

How to fix it?: Have some self discipline! Whenever you find yourself affirming the old story, clock it then affirm/visualise, etc whatever correlates to the new story. Remember, the more you repeat the new story, the more the old story becomes dead to you because you will be so used to being fulfilled in the new story, you wont even bat an eye at the old one.

3. You assume you can't manifest 'large' manifestations but others can

C'mon now, nobody is born with ultra special manifestation abilities that make them manifest better than other people, everyone has the same limitless abilities when it comes to the law of assumption, if one person can manifest a mansion, why can't you? You are as capable as manifesting anything as anyone else!

How to fix it?: Honestly just acknowledge that you are among everyone who is a master manifestor, its litch in your DNA to be a master manifestor! I suggest affirming master manifestor-related affirmations to help you be fulfilled in the state of being a master manifestor.

TIPS & ADVICE

You may feel like consuming LOA content is good for helping you and stuff and its honestly fine to read LOA content when you are feeling unsure but it gets overwhelming when you overconsume content since alot of LOA content may contradict each other, as people write their advice based on their on beliefs. This is why i recommend just consuming "back-to-the-basics" typa posts and when you feel content, apply it! (instead of constantly looking from post to post on "how to manifest" when you already know.

2. Affirmation tapes are a GAMEEE CHANGERRRRR! I really recommend Indigo Detry's ones and listen to them when you are doing activities that dont really require concentration (e.g art, reading, etc).

3. If you're looking for good loa youtubers i really recommend Indigio Detry and Manifest it, Finesse it (GOATS FRRR😩😩)

OUTRO

I hope you enjoyed this post and it helped you in any way; please let me know if you have any questions as i would be happy to answer them <3

[storgicdealer]

one of my BIGGEST and important rambles on ava that questions a lot of stuff that was accepted as factual a lot of times

dimensions, rocketcorp and virtual reality in ava

initially inspired by these tags from @sticksstonessteel and the thinking about rocketcorp simulations. and a certain hc i saw on ao3 once and remembered

eventually it turned into an existential crisis. im sorry moots

warning: OKAY. so. this is very clumsily made and its an assumption made both of canon info and theories that might feel as a complete reach.

this text touches upon possibility AND obscure ideas that might not have definitive proof in canon. there might be not a direct link of events here. but it is very, VERY long and touches many different subjects at once. takes of this long ramble are bold (i could also mention strangely opposing points in the text because i re-thought many concepts along the process of this ramble and mightve not noticed it)

i was wondering about the way the technical-machine device stuff intermingles with the whole literal mercenaries (and a box used for torture) thing. but these tags made me think not only of that

what we've seen so far is that rocketcorp controls a variety of tech, both pc-like interfaces that only they have access to and more "regular" tech, like tvs on which videos from youtube can be played on. [kings backstory]. we've also seen a variety of different tech in the wanted-the box episodes, but not much of it can be used outside whatever advanced shit theyre doing inside the corporation. one of these things however can be used which is surveillance tech, it feels like an important thing to note given that the importance of the corporation might suggest that rocket is responsible for city surveillance in one way or another as well

yet how exactly does a tech corporation tie in with mercenaries, weaponry (and literal torture)?

• rocketcorp

given, again, the grand variety of tech they possess and advanced technology they use, them using literal devices that real world users/sticks from a pc would use (control panel of the box) and it being restricted to them only made me think of something. the whole story of ava/m is built inside digital realms, outernet and internet. taking that into account, obviously, any kind of technological advances in these worlds are crucial to the way of how sticks in it interact with their already technological reality. which made a tech company like rocketcorp so influental in the first place

due to a piece of rocketcorps existence in the king episode and ava s2 teaser and prior to the release of the box i had a thought that the company specializes and presents itself as a "domestic" tech company. not the kind of company that meddles with grand technology and digital stuff, but the one that is accustoming citizens of the outernet with regular tech such as the mentioned tvs. the work of the mercenaries was always perceived to me as just an underground shady work of a company. but the box and a reminder of the chosens wanted poster made me rethink and question whether rocketcorp specializes on technology that changes and affects the reality they're living in, outernet and dimensions itself

i tried to observe the possibility of it and came around to three big thoughts, the most major one being the last

first thought that can give something to this thought is that mercs tech weapons influence physical properties of their world — ultimately damaging objects and people (like it was with the corndog stand and chosen), rendering the objects out of their usual state and bringing actual pain or messing with the state of a stick.

(its also worthy to mention that in the corndog short, prior to the merc and chosen chase appearing onscreen people in the short were already running away, and it does make me wonder if it happened out of potential fear of these weapons or, maybe, potential fear of the chosen one? bringing me back to my post on thinking how chosen & dark crimes were perceived in the internet and possibly outernet)

the fact that weapons changing literal existence of an object and glitching them are available to mercenaries of rocketcorp is a pretty big thing

another potential argument for it is about the memory scanner itself — a thing used for intrusion into a literal brain (code?) of a person. the obvious thing aside – the scanner literally looks like a vr helmet and i initially thought that it was its function before i saw what it was used for

the whole fact that this kind of advanced technology exists, honestly, surpassing the already existing level of technology in stickcity is something that could potentially connect victim and rocketcorp respectively to an ability to meddle with a literal living being, their memory and potentially their code. victim, aware and knowing the process of being directly created from someone's hand might've acquired the knowledge of influencing a stick's literal process of living over the course of all the years. which brings me to my major point:

• dimensions

we all know about the fact that initial pc programs are able to be used in the outernet, which by itself is an interesting discussion of internet and outernet intertwining once again. we know that rocketcorp and pc sticks use interfaces that real world users use. and we know about the existence of the adobe tool board that agent uses literally all their screentime and the adobeflash instruments in victims office. it wasnt a surprising thing to see given that we have mostly explored the way of how pc and internet programs work throughout the series, and it was thought about that well! nothing surprising about these tools being in the outernet as well, mustve acquired it from somewhere! (and honestly, given all the new insane character plot i didnt think about that deeply either)

over the course of events happening in the outernet we have never really seen pc apps used there physically prior to season 2, except for one time of alan's cursor being used there... that required an insane amount of coding and manifestation of the cursor in the outernet space that couldnt be achieved without a stick that is familiar with with a pc.

not only talking about yellows feats, the creation of darks portals is something worth mentioning as well. we know that he is extremely skilled in coding, with it most likely being his main activity (aside from terrorism) in his life in the outernet. no sticks that we've seen created something like literal dimensional portals, like dark did — and he is a stick that is accustomed to the pc and internet as well. and oh, orange. bringing their stylus to outernet and have it revoked almost immediately when caught (which is not surprising at all anymore, that the mercs and rocket workers took an immediate interest in it given canon information and all these theories lol)

and, unsurprisingly, purple, king and the unknown merchant in "the king" episode as well. we know that the minecraft icon could be accessed through a travel to a pc, and that purple was first introduced literally inside of a mac — and the whole bit of purple coming to alanspc trying to steal the icon that the cg had.

(another thought to mention is about the interdimensional travel — the whole fact that the internet and the pc realm is able to be accessed through programs brought to the outernet. (e.g. minecraft portals). but again, these programs were initially coming from a pc, and didnt exist in the outernet. where the actual hell did the blue merchant in the king episode come from????)

this whole fact shows that the only way to access pc programs in the outernet is for something or someone to bring it there.

and victim, posessing all the tools of the whole program he was created in, wouldnt be able to get it through regular means. whether that means acquiring it from someone's elses hands or going to a pc by themselves.

• virtual reality and the position of rocketcorp in outernet

now, im going to bring up outernet and internet intertwining again. outernet sticks do not interact with pc programs physically, like all avam main characters do.

the only times we've seen pc programs and apps physically interact with outernet were shenanigans with the cg, hollowheads, purple & king. people that actually had access to a pc in one way or another.

(..and the damn merchant.)

the fact that these programs existence is quite rare in outernet and maybe even unknown to some, having rocketcorp being a full-on restricted company with classified information, having high influence over tech, exchange of pc programs being seen as a shady activity(!!!!) (the king episode),

— could rocketcorp be somewhat of a main corporate that controls the fabric of the outernet and internet itself, being some sort of a power force and government-ish corporation to the outernet? perhaps, them being seen as officials that have limited knowledge of unaccessible pc programs and internet itself and exclusive (even divine?) power of it that only they are able to possess, providing it to the outernet, initially making them "the people in power" that stand higher than regular sticks of the outernet?

(essentialy, making victim a literal fucking dimension mastermind)

• important part about outernet sticks (that ill probably ramble about in an another post independently)

supposing that rocketcorp does possess power... would they have control over what they decide to stream and show with their tech?

the tv that we've seen in the king episode didnt show any other episode except for the minecraft one. heck, it could've been the only thing shown there.

and in general, it begs the question: are outernet sticks that never traveled beyond its space even aware of internet?

and could've they interpreted the episode above as just fiction, along with the confirmation that our main characters are the ones that are inherently tied with the pcs and the internet in different ways?

(PLEASE tell me if there's proof that confirms otherwise because its a very bold statement given how much outernet and internet are interlinked in the main story. its 2 am i havent slept sometimes i have amnesia and i might be forgetting something very crucial. this assumption was not fully comprehended by me before specifically because most outernet sticks are the same type with the cg and it was confusing when i was just getting back to avam a few years ago)

we also know about the box itself. or, to be more accurate, the boxes. the ones that both chosen and second were trapped in, at the same time, in different places. the ones that were, quite literally, simulations. the ones that have also used pc programs tools.

simulation isnt something that was seen as an ordinary occurence, but it was literally seen twice in the rocketcorp in the same episode. creation of a simulation doesnt seem like an activity that could be used by ordinary sticks either. giving potential highest influence of rocketcorp over pc and internet technologies and its providence, are they able to give simulation experience to others, allowing regular sticks to experience different dimensions in a controlled way? say, for example, in a game?

whoa finally i got it out of my brain. im going to drop family guy pose style

afterthought rollercoaster:

• as far as i remember we didnt see outernet citizens interact with internet like users do, but we do know they possess tech such as television again, that can be bought. there IS tech such as computers (tdls room) but we havent seen them being used by sticks that werent exposed to the concept of the pc and the internet. there is a possibility i missed out on outernet sticks using phones or other tech, but even with this, its possible that our internet is simply not accesible there

• given the possibility of rocketcorp delegating all technology and simulations, providing it to others, possibly allowing smaller companies to use their resources in different cities... is there a possibility that rocketcorp might've been responsible for the gold simulation incident?

• going back to weapons of the mercs, i do wonder whether, even with the pc apps ability to be used in the outernet, the apps themselves having any kind of influence over processes in the outernet — given the whole glitching thing that literally messes with physical objects and people. it is just my own theory, but i dont believe that the glitch thing that is embedded in these weapons comes from the outernet, either

• okay this is going to be a wild concept you dont have to read it

talking about the creation of outernet and the whole race of stickmen, right now i am tending to believe that outernet is still an extension of internet that might've appeared with its creation. i was always open to accepting it but slightly confused by the concept of outernet being natural (bc i constantly try to find logic in worldbuilding el oh el) and tried to suggest a theory that sticks of outernet might've also been created directly (which does feel like a reach atp). with the concepts i discussed in this ramble i dont really feel that confusion, but im honestly not abandoning the idea of creation at some point, either: specifically i had a thought that when outernet first appeared first sticks of that dimension were also created, potentially them finding a way into outernet in some way. but eventually outernet was built as an independent place for their kind and prospered by itself like any civilization would

oh my god im going to drop with exhaustion. but im so happy i got it out

self portrait of my sticksona right now

[glitchedsoftware]

well its been long enough so here it is -

My personal thoughts and issues with Sammy Lawrences characterization in Dreams Come to Life

little disclaimer im obviously gonna be pretty negative in this so if you like the books good for you!! i just want to put my thoughts on the matter out there its just some silly indie horror game book and i wouldnt take others opinions TOO seriously lol also spoilers for dctl of course

also another little edit - a majority of this was written before the graphic novel came out,, not like that changes anything rlly just yk remember im exclusively talking about the original novel here

Lets start with the most obvious point first - the racism/misogyny

The idea that Sammy's racist and misogynistic mainly stems from two parts from the book - the part where Sammy refers to Tom by his first name instead of "Mr Connor" to which Tom replies quote "Not used to giving someone like me respect?" and the part where he refers to Abby by her first name with Buddy directly stating how he wonders if this could mean Sammy has some sort of bigoted views.

Now of course he does consider if this is just a habit of his, but it is pretty unclear if that's the case. This weirdly vague and ambiguous way of writing a fan favorite character to be racist and misogynistic is just generally very weird to me. Before anyone tells me I am aware of the fact a former kindly beast member claimed that Toms race had nothing to do with it and Sammy just said that because he's a repairman or whatever, but that still doesn't remotely change the fact that it can easily be read as Sammy being racist.

(Also even in said screenshot they said how could be easily interpreted as that. Also they didn't even write the book obviously so that whole point just falls flat.)

To be fair, there is a line from Buddys first encounter with Sammy in which he also refers to Joey by first name, which could imply Buddys other conclusion was correct and that its just a habit of his.

However, I'd argue this small details pretty easy to miss (even I almost forgot about it while writing this) especially considering the only other people he refers to by any sort of name was Tom and Abby. That paired with the other two scene previously stated still make this very easy to misinterpret and even considering this, very confusing on if Sammy was written with the intention of him being racist. Also Sammys bigotry in this book being conflicted by literally one word kinda speaks for itself. It's just super weird and definitely should have been handled better. If you don't know how to write topics like this with the amount of care they deserve then you don't need to write them. On another note, Sammy being racist or misogynistic just wouldn't affect the story or world building in any sort of meaningful way. Whether he was supposed to be bigoted or not, it has no bearing on the story or characters. Any time It's even slightly implied this could affect someone it's just super underdeveloped which makes this whole thing just feel completely pointless and unnecessary. It really does just come off like it was just thrown in there to "make it more realistic to the time period" instead of working it into the story in any meaningful way that actually works, or any sort of commentary on that sorta thing other than just "racism and misogyny exist".

On a related note, I saw someone speak out about how they interpreted specifically the scene with Tom to be intended not to show that Sammy's racist, but to show how Tom would assume that it was about his race considering he's of course a black man in the 1940s and has clearly faced discrimination over that before. I could almost see how that could be perceived, but that along with the part with Abby really makes me contemplate if that was really the intention behind that scene. Also, as I said before, it isn't really expanded on how that would affect Tom. I get that that could just be because Tom is supposed to be more of a rude abrasive kinda guy, I'm not expecting him to cry over it or something. I just feel it should have either been a bit more developed on, or not been there at all. I'm all for subtly, I love how the subtle misogyny is shown in BatIM with the Alice angel merchandise not selling as well as other products, but if that's what they were going for I think this was a bad way of doing it. If you wanted to portray how this kind of bigotry affects people, maybe choosing the rude asshole character who doesn't really seem to give a shit wasn't really the best idea. (Also who's in the games implied to be classist but that's a whole other conversation) Sorry for the little detour away from discussing just Sammy, I just felt it was important since I do get where that point was coming from, I just still feel like the execution of it all was FAR from perfect.

Also overall the idea that Sammy would be racist or misogynistic is just awfully misunderstanding Sammys character and it just really fails at what its trying to do. Sammy is shown to have had a genuinely strong relationship with Susie (whether you interpret it as romantic or not) and never shown to have seen women as less than, quite the opposite actually. I saw someone say Sammy being bigoted doesn't make sense because "he doesn't respect anybody" and I heavily disagree. I think it doesn't work because he does care so much about people. In the cycle Sammy isn't shown to be selfish at all, like he's not just trying to free himself but also others (albeit through sacrificing Henry, and even then describes that as seeming "cruel"). You know it's "he will set us free". Whether he himself knows or not, Sammy does care about people deeply so him being bigoted just really doesn't work at all.

I just generally thought the topic of discrimination was handled pretty bad. I could go on and on about this subject alone, but hopefully I was able to get my point across.

Now with that out of the way I can discuss just the general mischaracterization and demonization of Sammys character

This obviously being a more broad subject makes it a little difficult to start so let me just start with this- I believe that Sammys character get heavily dumbed down to just being an asshole. I of course have no problem with Sammy being a bit of a dick considering the sort of sarcastic tone he's shown to have had in certain audio logs, but the problem arises when that is practically all he is shown to be. Looking through every scene with him, all he ever did was just be super rude to everyone and eventually go insane and kill people and talk about worshiping Bendy or whatever with little depth. This, in my opinion, makes him both weak as a character and antagonist. I mean, Buddy only first met Sammy the DAY he got infected by the ink. He never even knew what Sammy was like before that incident which REALLY makes the line "I just know that Sammy isn't Sammy anymore" make no sense. Buddy never knew Sammy, he only knew the one dimensional character we got in Dreams Come to Life.

After looking through all of Sammys characterization outside the novels I can clearly deduce that Sammy was never even explicitly the sort of condescending asshole hes shown to be in Dreams Come to Life, but was just a bit blunt and stern due to the stress of working at the studio. I get that some people just chock up his behavior to the fact that he had been drinking ink at the time or whatever, but again the fact we're never shown how he was before that just makes this feel like overall bad writing to me. It just feels like a very poor attempt at writing Sammy that lacks any sort of nuance his character was shown to have. Characters have intended purposes, and I believe Sammys was to display a character who was so overworked it drove him to insanity. Part of the reason he even worships Bendy is just because the unhealthy hours he would spend working forced him to have to see his stupid face everywhere, not the whole ink addiction thing the book goes with. It's one thing to make him unnecessarily rude, but the thing is that they never really deviate from him being just that, which just left his character feeling very flat and lackluster to me. Buddy being an "unreliable narrator" doesn't excuse this both because Buddy only states that he sometimes forgets the order of events, not the actual events themselves, and, as I said before, it never deviates from this view of Sammy. I don't even think Buddy was supposed to be an "unreliable narrator" in that way as I've heard people excuse this for. If all of Sammys mischaracterization was because of that, than like half of the book would just be Buddy completely making shit up, which clearly isn't the case. The book just genuinely tries to portray Sammy in some of the worst light ever.

All that along with the the whole implied bigotry thing I just discussed really makes it seem like they tried dehumanizing Sammy as much as possible, which really goes against one of the core messages of BatIM. Sammy just being some asshole who got addicted to ink and went crazy because of it is FAR less interesting or emotionally compelling than him being an abused overworked employee and a prime example of what working at the studio can do to someone. Stripping him of that in favor of making it that he's always just been a total dick just completely misses a lot of the point of Sammys character and even BatIM as a whole. It's not just a game about "ooh scary ink" or whatever, it's also a game about corporate greed, capitalism and obviously how big corporations abuse and manipulate their minimum wage workers. And that's what Sammy is. He's not "evil" he's just a victim of a highly unhealthy work environment. Sammy being overworked to death (literally) is something that is barely, if at all, developed on in the book weirdly enough, despite being a very interesting part of his character that they had every opportunity to explore. It feels almost like they explicitly tried making Sammy so unsympathetic so he could be a more "evil" antagonist which, in turn, makes him a very poorly written antagonist lacking depth and completely missing anything that made his character so interesting. Again they just took Sammy being a bit irritable and sarcastic and wrote him as being a genuinely bad person, which really bugs me for sorta personal reason I'll get into in this next section.

Why this matters (to me)

I feel its of importance that I discuss how writing an implied mentally ill/neurodivergent character in such a demonizing way can, whether intentional or not, come off as ableist. TO MAKE THIS CLEAR I am NOT stating Adrienne Kress is ableist. This is overall just a much larger issue in general that definitely could have a discussion of it's own. However I will be briefly talking about it since it does unfortunately relate to dreams come to life.

As I said before, Sammy is a victim. Yes, he's still a morally grey character who generally does bad things with good intentions, but hes still a character. The way Sammy is shown to act and have acted in the past is very likely because he was mentally ill and possibly autistic. Taking an actually nuanced character like that who was clearly just extremely mentally unwell and writing it that he's some evil irredeemable asshole has always just rubbed me the wrong way. As an autistic person myself, I've always kinda had issues with regulating my emotions and coming off as "too blunt", so seeing a character who also has those traits be warped into being a "bad person" just. Really sucks.

When I read Dreams Come to Life, I had always sorta read Buddy as being autistic, all though this coding could have been unintentional. For instance, he's shown to not fully get some social cues and mentions feeling like people would kinda talk down to him for not getting certain things. This being the case really confused me for a bit as to why Sammy was demonized for also displaying traits of autism until it finally hit me as to why that is. It's likely because Sammy shows symptoms that are unfortunately far more stigmatized by society. Lack of emotional/impulse control can obviously lead to someone being more prone to lashing out than other people would, and I hate how just in general people or even characters who do that are labeled as "bad people" since that clearly isn't true. Again, he's not evil or whatever, he's just extremely stressed and overworked. That's all it ever was.

Sorry for getting a bit personal, in case it wasn't obvious I'm just very passionate about this character (and franchise in general) and just wanted to discuss how I personally perceived certain things. I'm sure I wasn't supposed to read into it THIS much and I know I'm probably stretching with this. Again, I VERY HIGHLY doubt Adrienne Kress intended for Sammys writing to be read as ableist, just felt like getting my thoughts out there (regardless of how insane I probably sound)

Conclusion

To sum it all up, I just found Sammy character to be heavily flanderized and lacking a lot of the things that I personally loved so much about him, as well as finding the way bigotry was portrayed to be very nothing. It just overall didn't build on what we know about Sammys character in game in any interesting way, at least to me. Despite how long this was, I honestly don't really mind people who enjoy the books, this wasn't some personal dig on anyone of course lol. Hell, I'm even friends with some people who like Dreams Come to Life!! I've tried putting different perspectives into writing this, and I've obviously concluded that this, on top of just a bunch of general issues with the book, have just made me personally unable to like it. I'm fine with people liking the books, however I do wish people would actually criticize them more than they do. Like, you're allowed to criticize the things you like, especially with a franchise as flawed as Bendy lmao

Anyways that's pretty much it. Thanks for listening to me ramble about this silly little series I'm hyperfixated on <3

[mako-neexu]

ughh ordeal call 2 is painful... its so painful for me to think about but the illustrations i get to see absolutely takes my breath away.

but i want to talk about this one today.... the way mash and guda runs with twin stars below moving on ahead, the pedestrian stoplight being set to a stop for the Avengers as they proudly look on ahead... its just beautiful.... i like the detail on the top right where there's a glint of light- a star representing the starting point in which reminds you of "part 1" events.... but you could also interpret it that light as the Avengers themselves, in guda and mash's shadow as evident by them being reflected below.

Not only do they stay behind- "This is as far as I go with you." as a feeling on their side... but its also at the same time that feels like a "push on the back" as they see those hopeful stargazers reach heights far beyond them and more...

what absolutely crushes my heart further is the fact that they are illustrated "on the other side".

the puddles you see in streets after a rain- after such a gray sky gives me a feeling of ache and love... because you remember that these are nothing more than people and creatures made of "ether"- ultimately ghosts, fragments and spirits given existence and form by someone who is living... and only those who are alive are able to forge a path on ahead, are only those who have the right to "move forward".

what's more... "Beyond the Gray Sky" lyrics as well as the CM is really just prominent here...its just too much... the fact that the setting is from Id but nonetheless modern Tokyo doesn't help ughh im just noticing too that guda and mash are at a blue sky meanwhile the sky of the Avenger's are grey/similar to the sky of guda's trash heap where its dark but it allowed a star to be so radiant and dazzling before their eyes that they all cant help but look at them so fondly, so softly...

Avengers born of love yet speaks of hate, born of hate yet speaks of love, those whose privilege is to hold onto the past and never let go, these souls with the curse and blessing to never forget no matter their materialization, they who have loathed so profoundly, had also loved, had gotten loved and accepted in this life where they met "that person"....one who has given them happiness, given them such a sweet dream- to these flames born and perceived to be twisted, vile and detestable by the world but were also companions who were the kindest, the most compassionate of all in this story of love and hope...

[dunkledog]

his name is Feldspar and he feeds on lawsuits

Alexander Feldspar, (which is a totally real name that he didn't make up one day), is the team leader of D.A.C.S. He is... a Medic. Which is puzzling considering his medical training is not particularly extensive and his bedside manner leaves much to be desired. Some quick notes because trying to format this in a normal paragraph is killing me:

Originally from What Cheer, Iowa.

Sort of perceives his team like family, but he'd never admit it. He'd have you believe it's in the corporate "we're all one big family here" way, but deep down he definitely cares. He'd be alone otherwise.

Will do what he believes is in everyone's best interest, but he usually bases these decisions off of his own observations and biases. Thankfully, he's pretty observant and his decisions are logical. Daniel the engineer is really the only one bold enough to provide feedback (most of the team are pretty reserved people and read Feldspar as a man whose ego is easily salted. They're not... that far off.)

He can be vain. Very vain. But being drenched in blood is not something he seems to bat an eye at anymore.

Sleep? What's sleep? Amphetamines were invented for a reason.

Owns one of those long cigarette holders. Cancer the looong way

His weapon of choice is a crowbar. He prefers it up close and personal. (He's a terrible shot, anyway.) Comes in handy if doors or crates need prying open or kneecaps need busting. A habit he picked up from mob work in the early days, even if he doesn't remember it quite so well as he used to. (The Car Accident did a quite number on him 😔)

Speaking of The Car Accident, prior to it, he was a lawyer. Graduated from Harvard. Worked in New York. Saw his ol' college roommate up in Mass between cases and "errands." Sometimes head up to Maine on a fishing trip. Never seemed to... ever catch anything... ... was never married, either. That's probably not related though.

Insists on being the primary team chef. He's terrifyingly adept at making tasty meals out of canned goods and whatever fresh food he can scrounge up from the closest town; so no one really complains.

ok this is all i can think of and ive been working on writing this forever and im tired

[juicy GOVERNMENT SECRET just below the break. the CIA does NOT want you to know this information:]

haha got you this is just the feldspar ref but his hair is turning white!

He dyes it because god forbid anyone finds out he's gone white by 49 (And he vehemently avoids talking about his age. The very concept of aging just seems to disturb him, really.)

oh and plus a version w/o the coat tail for reference purposes i suppose yk how it is

ok now i post this finally for real

[popponn]

things about michael kaiser.

kaiser is genuinely interesting and i really want to see more of him really. despite the vendetta i have against him for touching isagi's chin. so im rotating him in my head for a bit here for reasons. this is more of me observing and putting down what i perceive so far, especially with his personality. some are hcs and assumptions. manga spoiler up to uber match ending btw.

this guy is teasing isagi a lot and does not shy away from touching isagi when doing so. their literal first meeting, that one headpat—like is it more of a display of power? very likely.

but then look at how his face was at his teammates during vs barcha, then vs manshine, and in that screening room with ness. this guy is cold, like his expression change between cold, expressionless, or pissed. with sheeting and smug as an extra.

then come the vs uber + fragile ego theory (his volume cover that use glass chain instead of iron as usual, a pretty popular theory)—and yeah if his confrontation with chris and lorenzo is any indication. yeah, this guy got something going on there

which is where after this, as there is no backstory for him yet let's start headcanoning and/or analyzing his behaviour and lil bits of info. first thing first noa.

in barcha, part of this guy's strategy is staying away from the masters' 1v1. which is smart, very cool and understandable. shows that kaiser is not all smug and drive the point even more that he is talented and smart too. is in line with isagi's perception of him, a very good player—paraphrased btw.

but then vs mc came and stuffs gets interesting. after nagi's miracle goal, chris and noa enter the field. if you look at his face around here, he is clearly not happy.

and i think this is where kaiser's fragile ego really starts to show. nagi—the 'shitty baby chick'—pretty much 'win' against him and isagi and scored what pretty much is a super goal. a flashy one.

and now chris and noa, the #2 & #1 is in the field.

remember kaiser's goal? the one where he want to get out of bm via auction. and if anything so far, NEL shows us that you have to stand out to win higher bidding.

put it simply, probably the reason he is not happy at that point is that his chance to shine more is pretty much getting heavily hindered already.

and this is more headcanonny, but this guy definitely has a complex and a tendency. the said tendency is pretty much spelled out by chris—"going against the weaker one, but escape the stronger one". and even tho kaiser get pissed and go head to head with chris—probably due to a bruised ego, which would be a point that would came up again later—this tendency seems to be in line with him wanting to go out from bm.

"he can't shine with noa there"—if this was isagi or barou or rin, i highly doubt this sentence would appear at all. which is interesting because undoubtedly, so far, kaiser is shown as someone who is as strong if not stronger than isagi. but this, along with the line that kaiser said about him only feeling happy when putting people down, only shows his reluctance in 'fighting' noa. opting to just be in another club to reach the top.

i think this has potential to be read as "kaiser's ego is all about destroying other people" (aka the already corrupted mean girl esque guy get even worse and corrupted) or "kaiser will get schooled by the plot and isagi" (aka character development baby, in 'true? ego awakening' kind of way that might or might not be similar to various bluelockers). but as of now, uber is just ending and rin just appeared again. pxg and backstory not out yet so who knows

back to topic, calling kaiser's ego 'weak' right now is not wrong tho. it is easily bruised—it has been repeatedly so far, by chris and isagi during vs mc as the two most in the face examples.

but on another side, kaiser really is not an all talk guy. he is effective, definitely put himself on a high standard, and is not a lazy player (quite harsh on himself, if that uber goal of his was anything to go by). (personal bias and opinion, but i really hope his character will grow even after NEL. this guy is entertaining as hell to watch and he is like an onion. writing wise, i really like him.)

then there is his vendetta (?) with noa. while how and what their bond truly is hasn't been explicitly shown or talked about, there is definitely an odd, pretty antagonistic relationship as a mentor and a pupil there. noa seems to held a certain expectations for kaiser while kaiser seems to not like when noa meddles or comment on him. (and tbh, while isagi is the one 'chosen' by noa so far, i would be 0 percent surprised if noa in a way 'use' isagi to shape kaiser too. rationality, something something, rivalry, something. i will go back to this after i sleep maybe)

idk how far it goes but this guy sounds like a theater kid and he is dramatic. idk what to do with this.

so far we dont even know his age and height. and it's uber match ending......i will update this list one day. hopefully.

kaiser also has two popular theory going on about his back story. 'really poor like noa (and that's why in that one cover the ball under his feet is dirty)' or 'really rich because he seems pretty spoiled and unknowning of the harsh world (hence his weak ego)'. personally, i think both theories have their strength and weakness. so i will just shut up about this.

but back to kaiser's ego—which seems to be the biggest peek into his personality as a whole so far—i really wonder how will the theme of 'fragile ego' will eventually intertwine with his theme of 'doing the impossible'. like, blue rose, the sheer concept of kaiser impact being that OP, his overall capability in changing the flow of a match—this guy is just a reasonable and believable deus ex machina sometimes, for the lack of better wording.

but, truly, the fact that his friendliness and teasing persona is more of a facade. while the 'truer' part is more angry and cold is just chef's kiss.

it makes one really wonder about his speech about envy to yukimiya and his attitude. like this guy is disgustingly cocky towards those he saw as below him, is bothered when someone goes against him, and really dislike it when someone is better or manage to put him down.

and then there is still his comment about isagi—who still keep going even though kaiser repeatedly prove to him that kaiser is superior. like, again, this guy is so interesting in the way while there are conflicting aspects of him, i genuinely think they make sense. this is the guy who keeps looking up and put a high and harsh standard on himself, all while actively choosing to face people he knows are inferior to him instead of actively going up and clashing against stronger opponent. all while being very very skillful and talented.

while honestly there is a very sad undertone here, if my gut is right, this approach of his is really... cowardly? pathetic? in blue lock setting. like, the fact that he is not the main character aside, with this sort of personality and mindset? yeah no way he is becoming the best in the world.

all in all, a very interesting bastard that is more than what meets the eye. isagi being surprised of his play being so good feels relatable now.

very hc territory, but the classic trope of 'flirty confident guy with issues' being twisted this much is so fun. the issue genuinely makes me squint my eyes.

yeah okay, this guy have issues. i smell insecurities. with high self standard that must be hell. (hc, unconfirmed. still no kaiser backstory or height info or bday in sight so far.)

[stupidsketchpad]

hey guys. im here to rant about how 2econd 2ight 2eer (second sight seer) by will wood is secret life bigb's song because god its eerie how similar the song lyrics are to his character. AHEM (also spoilers for secret life)

My grip on my secrets slipping while I'm speaking in tongues

ok. this is a really good start lol. basically bigb's task don't mean much when he does weird shit anyway for fun and, quote from grian, "writes his own tasks"

Screaming at the top of my lungs in the confession booth

he's saying stuff that litterally makes no sense. even after his task is done he wont tell anyone (confession booth is kinda like people asking about your task after it's done. your confessing your task to someone)

Take it with a pillar of salt, H.A.L.T., it's not my fault

i got nothing man

The devil made me do it, but I also kinda wanted to

THIS LINE AHSHDHSHAH. THE SECRET KEEPER GIVES HIM THE TASKS CAUSE HE HAS TO BUT HE WANTS TO DO THEM ANYWAY ANDDDD MAKE THEM AS CONFUSING AS POSSIBLE. SECRET KEEPER COUNTS AS THE DEVIL HERE

I'm cut from a different kind of meat

More than you can chew, hard to swallow me

"what the hell are you doing??" is a common question he gets asked. hard to swallow. y'know

Forget bored stiff, I got rigor mortis, call it morbid curiosity

How I cannot commit to reality, when my third eye's open and I like what I see

he's doing shit for the sake of doing shit.

Baby, I may be crazy but I didn't lose it, no I set it free

AAAAA THIS LINE TOOO!!! ok so he didn't just randomly start lying in secret life. it was weird before that too! i cant speak for double but LIMITED LIFE he was also confusing people about being the boogeyman. basically that one meme with the "guy weird about everything but its drowned out by how weird about everything the other people are"

I can't ignore what's under dance floorboards, the rhythm of my heart a dead-as-disco beat

But I still move my feet

To slip out of this groove, I'm free

dont got much here but i think this is just him having fun, yknow

Now to row, row, row my boat over the falls

And maybe wake up from but a dream, yeah

"but a dream" is the games. there are three rows in the line. lose your lives to get the game over with.

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

I didn't lose it babe

There wasn't much to find

once again, this wasnt the first time he was being weird!!!

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

I'm only passing through

say weird shit, refuse to elaborate, leave.

Oh, oh, o-o-oh

If you knew what I knew, if you saw what I see

You'd look through illusions, hallucinations, and lucid dream

And I know that meaning can be such a pretty thing to keep

But I got facts and I'm not afraid to use 'em, take the good with the bad, take off the back you make a new front

evo, anyone? anyway this man knows about watchers and doesnt care. he knows! he just doesn't give that any meaning.

Some days I'm glad that I am a madman and I'd rather be that than

An amicable animal, mild-mannered cannibal

red lives and how bigb doesn't have the same bloodlust as they do. this guy doesn't kill much, he's like the most passive on the server. /srs

But I'm more level-headed and clever than ever and I'm getting better one forever at a time

how many people guessed any of bigb's tasks? that's right, zero! (if i remember correctly.) he's getting better at the games (btw the games being referred to as "forevers" is just ahshahdghs)

And if sick is defined by what's different, well then pull the plug out and let me die

not much here

Vice-versa, vice versus virtue

Well who I am I choose through all the things I do

AAAAAAAA HE CHOOSES HOW HE IS PERCEIVED BY THE OTHERS BY SAYING HIS STUFF YA GET WHAT IM SAYING

And if it rhymes, it's true, but I hate poetry

contradicting himself. easy peasy analysis here folks.

Now with my moral compass pointing south, I'm going down

With no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no respect for reality

could say this is going red! but also. "going down?" LIKE A HOLE? HE MADE A HOLE?????

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

I didn't lose it babe

There wasn't much to find

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

I'm only passing through

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

I didn't lose it babe

There wasn't much to find

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

same stuff

A tourist passing through

Well that was fun, goodbye

he died. but hey, he had fun!

anyways thats all thank you for listening to me ramble about songs and minecraft i WILL do this again. sorry if this is incoherent i wrote it at 10:00 pm.

psst... moot... @bigb-enthusiast... would you like this?

[thehopelessexception]

how can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22 (almost 24)

warning: im writing this while im on my period and eating ice cream.

i've been dissociating for what now? half a year maybe more. i dont recognize reality. i feel im floating in this sea we call society and i've been feeling the wilson of the story here. i assume everything that's happening around me is real, ofc. but that doesnt make it any less a convenient arrangement i build for myself to try to act like a real person and not freak out. i am feeling out of reality. like the part of the game where you let the sim on auto-mode. i am the sim on auto-mode. and i don't know how to stop this stage of oblivion.

to make a vague introduction, the thing with me is that im a living paradox of a full time contradiction. i am flamboyant but i hate being perceived. i like to speak up for myself but i hate people thinking about me because of it. i have my own process of how i understand things. i trust logic and i question everything. im quite skeptical over things when there's no empirical evidence. i seek for knowledge. critical thinking, data analysis and the whole stuff. i know myself. i sometimes look like i am too obnoxious, frivolous, morally corrupted (people have told me that), when i obsess over something —because i sometimes treat people like they are stupid (not my intention really)—; but probably the only thing im completely sure of is myself. i tend to be a confident person, to have an ego, to not let the guard down, to calculate every single move. and lately i am noticing myself being impulsive, insecure, nervous, weird, saying stupid shit, nonsenses, feeling small. and i don't know how to make it stop. the thing is i put my whole self-esteem backed up by my intelligence, however im not sure of anything anymore. i don't know if the reason behind not recognising myself lately is the fact i have somehow a new crush —or a new hyperfixation for that matter— or just the natural act of growing, also known as the quarter life crisis.

i have this thing where i hyperfix on random stuff, i've been like this my whole life. one of my friends even made a powerpoint of all the things i've been obsessed with over the years. and the issue here is that this things never last that much, or maybe they do? i actually never though about it. the most random ones i remember are probably me buying ice-cream cakes of this specific brand every week for two months. i also got obsessed with eating too many scrambled eggs all day every day for a very long time. then it was that turkish telenovela on an airing channel. then ofc succession, and it grew into watching every single movie kieran culkin was part of. the world cup. mbti —im intj by the way—. red white and royal blue (i watched it five times in a day), then nicholas galitzine —did yk he has a lineage that comes all the way from the romanovs?— and his entire filmography. and also politics, i got way into politics; election campaigns, follow up candidates, history, economy, the law, etc (my candidate lost tho) (we're succumbing to disgrace) (like literally we collectively, as a country, haven't had any kind of good news since then) (please help me). and etc etc. but the thing is, i also hyperfix on random people, or not so random i guess. it doesnt happen very often tho, im quite picky, but the procedure is this: i meet someone, they draw somehow my attention, i want to know everything about this person, i talk to this person a lot (medium to long term) (week to months), and then this person becomes my friend or i get bored and completely ignore them for the rest of my life and move on.

but this time is different, or im feeling it different. i find myself questioning everything i know and i was convinced of. i dont know if it has something to do with the fact that i met someone, probably the first person wise enough to make me question if i was ever correct about anything. maybe i am hyperfixating on this person, idealizing them. but it's truly amazing how much more data this person has about everything i know of. and right now i feel way too insecure, because even if this person told me they find me smart and they enjoy talking to me, i am always thinking that if i say something not completely fact-checked they'll think im stupid. it's absurd. it's a boohoo situation, i know. and it's a process im having about who am i, or what am i supposed to be. some months ago the whole context around my life changed or i think it changed? i dont know how to explain it, —i mean i know how but i would have to talk about other things not related to this (politics stuff, things happening in my country, etc). i'll probably will make a new post about it someday—. but the whole issue is, i dont know myself anymore. and everything is crumbling.

im afraid the person i build for myself it's a fraud. or doesnt exist anymore.

i remember myself at 18, and i was this marvellous whole person. independent, smart, focused, driven. that girl spent their whole days outside her house. did everything she wanted to. wasnt scared of anything. and i look at myself now and think how? the pandemic has a lot to do with it i guess, but when i first heard taylor saying that in nothing new i thought "that wont happen to me". guess what, i was wrong.

for my fellow girlies being 23 —in my experience— is exactly how they say it will be. the worst age of your life.

next month is my birthday and im pushing 24. and i have to say my life is a mess. but i dont know if i can call it a mess because it is truly a mess or because i am a complete drama queen. because people probably have worse problems than mine, and i am what you call a white girl, only poorer —and a third world country citizen—. the issue is, i am almost 24, almost 25. almost 27. ALMOST 30. and i did nothing with my life. absolutely nothing. my mom had me at 29 for god's sake.

and by nothing i mean everything i do is not enough to feel it worthy of a life well-lived. should i look for a job and work while studying just to say i am extremely occupied because i have somehow a life? just to feel something? even if that makes my stress situation and anxiety even worse? should i somehow save enough money so i can move from my parents house? even if for my whole generation it's close to impossible? is studying something i (kinda) like enough to not feel like shit about myself? i've never had a boyfriend, nor girlfriend. shoud i look for one? get myself one? even if i dont think any of that would make me happy? i dont think i know happiness as a state of mind, nor the concept of it.

i dont feel like i have many anecdotes to tell in my future. should i measure the life-worth by anecdotes? my friends feel the same way i do, but they have a more organized life. jobs, boyfriends, careers, plans for the future, one of my closest friends move to the other side of the world with her boyfriend (!) in the blink of an eye. but they aren't much happy nor they have many anecdotes either. and i dont have the money or the guts or the available friends to create any.

every day i understand fleabag a bit more.

my favourite anecdotes about my life are from when i was about 13 and 15 years, also known as the worst time of my life. i didnt appreciated it back then, probably none of us did. but when we were teens everything was possible and we didnt have a care on anything other than mundane stuff or rebellious stuff but nothing more than yelling at people, drinking and smoking weird shit (i never had weed tho). not a real responsibility. being careless, free, avoiding consequences that mattered. i think that girl hates me right now. and i am not sure if that's the feeling i should have or if it's just utterly pathetic.

[arceespinkgun]

Thanks for doing that Jazz post. I've only been in the fandom for about a year ands ive been a bit slow chewing through all the media. Im still trying to detangle whats canon and fanon right now(litterally thought ex-con jazz was canon in a verse from how it was explained to me). And your post definitely helped point out some of the stuff i fell for.

Ive always focused really heavily on the musical side of his character and how he has an almost constant jovial tone. I imagined that from the first time he heard music, he knew that's what he wanted to do. Then the war happened, and he wanted to be useful. He's good at what he does, but he doesn't like it. He wants to go back to music. I imagine that as soon as the wars over, hes not going to take one glance back at the military and go back to what he likes. I also feel like i think alot about how he wants people to perceive him. That hes really conscious about how emotions. Hes the moral support, good guy Jazz! The mech anyone can depend on! So he doesn't let himself feel much of those negative emotions brought on by the situation.

Didnt meant to ramble but you get my idea I hope. Thanks again

You're very welcome! I'm happy to receive this ask because people who are newer to the fandom getting mislead by fanon based on racist tropes is one of my most hated things, and I see it happen constantly. I can really relate too because I haven't been active in the fandom too long either! I didn't make that post any earlier because for a long time, I had no way of knowing if these fanon portrayals were based in something I just hadn't seen yet. This is a big reason why I think that when fans have seen a lot of the canon, they need to not mislead people and should also let people know what comes from where and what is made up. Here's another link to my post of my favorite canon media featuring Jazz, and if there's any specific thing you or anyone else is confused about I'll try to help sort out canon from fanon. How is any new fan supposed to know that Jazz has never actually called Prowl "Prowler" (also I hate that nickname so much lol) and that Jazz being from Polyhex isn't real?

Your interpretation of Jazz is a really valid one based on his canon traits! I also think a lot about how Jazz really wants to cultivate and live up to a specific image, and about how he is always supporting everyone but very rarely gets to accepts others' support. I also think it's so lazy and offensive how soooo much fanmade content has Jazz enjoy killing people and stuff because that feels like such a slight to the canon character in all continuities. Though that being said, I do also like the idea that perhaps long ago, Jazz did enjoy fighting more and didn't realize how horrible war really is, only to become traumatized and that feeding into a current sense of guilt, fear, shame, and a desire to be perceived a certain way.

This fandom/community is really big, and there are so many different series and communities, and it's really easy for echo chambers that reinforce racist ideas to form practically unchecked. Fanon is basically its own separate fandom TBH, one that's especially dangerous for new fans to end up trusting when it comes to women and/or people of color, and I think fans need to remember to be honest about this. In the discussion that's come after that first post I've made (it's been very valuable!) it's actually been a little scary to me to see how divorced many people on here are from who Jazz is, what his relationships are, or why certain tropes constantly being applied to a Black-coded hero is the fandom being racist.

[opheliashur]

its before 10am and i got maybe five hours of sleep so im porting my unhinged worm take here to keep it from being lost in the discord sauce [i dont actually think this is a sensible interpretation it just forced itself out of my brain one day]

The entities in Worm can function as a counterpoint to Posadist views on alien life. In Les Soucoupes Volantes, le processus de la matiere et de l'energie, la science et le socialisme, Posadas argues interstellar travel requires a society which, if not explicitly human-defined communist, surpassed self-centered capitalist systems. Posadas implores us to view their passivity in our plight not as apathy, but an enlightened belief in self-determination; With the people's assent, these strangers among us would surely be willing to help us crawl out of the muck of poverty and despair.

In Worm, the entities take this logic and turn it on its head. Zion's ancestor remembers their homeworld as peak survival-of-the-fittest excess, a hellish loop of boom and bust cycles which leaves less left to consume every time.

"The ancestor knows this, and it isn’t satisfied.  It knows its kin aren’t satisfied either.  They are quiet, because there is nothing to say.  They are trapped by their nature, by the need to subsist.  They are rendered feral, made to be sly and petty and cruel by circumstance.  They are made base, lowly."

Through a leftist lens, this becomes a mirror for the circumstances of modern society. People are forced to scrounge and suffer and harm each other for survival's sake, ligating their emotional capacity and cauterising their descendants' livelihoods. The ancestor responds in a capitalist fashion; Rather than call on cooperation and efficiency, it proposes to its fellows that the advancement of a species depends on the necessity of constant growth and constant conflict. The conclusion they reach is to, quite literally, eat each other alive; Not simply to live, but to find new frontiers, obliterating their homeworld in the process. I find this neatly matches up with how capitalism naturally leads itself to colonialism (not to imply imperialism is solely the domain of capitalism) as the rich and powerful grow ever hungrier for new toys to hoard, new people to enslave, leaving nothing in their wake.

If the entities simply went around acting like generic alien invaders (which is 99% of the time just white people persecution fantasies and you cant prove me wrong) afterward, this interpretation wouldn't exist. Posadas wasn't concerned about the possibility of alien invasion for the same reason nobody worries about car bombs, unless they're Margaret Thatcher or a sex symbol in a Wildbow sequel. It just isn't relevant.

However, the entities aren't just machines of consumption. Their modus operandi, at least with Eden and Zion, is far more subversive. They upend the status quo with powers, or innovations, often placed in a way to cause the most possible disruption and thus the most possible conflict, or profit, with an end goal seemingly to ensure they can eat and reproduce forever no matter the cost. The destruction they wreak seems to be almost tangential to their main goals, borne not of cruelty but of apathy.

This is in direct counter to Posadas' perception of extraterrestrial life as benevolent. Despite granting great power to the oppressed, they're not a clarion call of ascendance, but instead harbingers of the end. In essence, the entities represent a form of bad-faith leftism— They take advantage of existing injustice with cloying language (their avatars) and grand yet poisoned gestures (powers), with a move-fast-and-break-things mindset utilising their generational wealth (also powers) from eons of exploitation to avoid consequence.

Unfortunately, this interpretation doesn't end with Posadas.

I found myself realising as I wrote this that the entities aren't just representative of bad-faith actors in leftism. In another sense, they are the revolution as perceived in many online circles. A nebulous rapture-like event, upending the status quo by giving power to the marginalised and downtrodden, creating people who are not only possessed of the agency to change things, but a resolve to do so as well. Agency is suddenly given to those who'd otherwise be trapped in their own cycles, subject to hunger and rent and all the little things that the complacent at the top have long since forgotten happens to other people.

And it only results in more suffering. (at this point im talking more conceptually than what happens in worm but bear with me im almost done lmfao)

Parahumans finally have the ability to speak the right things and be heard, to hurt the right people, and it doesn't help solve anything. It's all just senseless violence directed outward.

The ending, then, takes a different note from Posadas, and from the paradigm of finding the right people to kill or the right things to say. Taylor kills Zion not through sheer power, but through communication and cooperation— By forcing him to look inward, at the one void that no amount of conflict and data and profit could fill ever again. There was no magic bullet, no force from outside to save the day. Only the emotions that everyone carries within them.

A revolution from the inside. (okay that was abrupt but my brain is fried now lmao hope you enjoyed it bye)

[coolnonsenseworld]

Voltron and it's characters have been a sore topic for me ever since it ended. Sometimes I find myself missing them, which is stupid because I can go and watch it whenever I want (which i havent been able to do since it ended). Even if I did manage to re-watch it, it wouldn't be the same. The warmth and comfort the show once brought me is gone and replaced with a feeling that I guess the best word for it would be grief, because I know how it ends. Unfairly. But your art brings that familiar comfort back. I know this probably sounds incredibly dramatic, because it was a cartoon aimed at children, but Voltron, specifically Lance and Keith, were so special to me. Those characters were there for me when everything was just so, to put it lightly, so so much. And like, im not a teenager anymore, i dont need to go to a show about teenagers fighting purple aliens in giant colourful mecha lions when i need comfort anymore, but theres still that tiny fourteen year old part of me that deperately misses the comfort they brought, like they're old friends that i dont talk to anymore. And i guess this i why im sending you this message. Your art is not only beautiful, but is also so kind to them. A lot of people only think about voltron and remember the bad, which I myself am very guilty of, but whenever you post about it you only show the love you had for it and its characters. And i just wanted to thank you for that. For reminding me that even though the show ended in a way that hurt me, those characters still helped me in a way that i will always be grateful for. And you deserve to know the impact your art has on people, so thank you

It's like I've written it to myself, Anon, wow! Thank you so much!! And I am happy to hear that, because it's a similar experience for me - though, I think fictional characters don't exist until you make them - perceive them, interpret them - until you love yourself enough to see your own happiness in them. I can't grieve klance, when their safety remains in my hands.

I also want to add my more elaborate comment to it, from a perspective of someone who keeps being here, but will make another post, you will be able to find it in the notes.

[m0e-ru]

hi ive been binging your blog a lot recently. i rlly adore the sheer effort you've given to these dumbass fucking characters that otherwise get such little people even attempting to appreciate or engage with them beyond very shallow depths. as someone who only really got into the p4 games relatively recently (2022. my only remembered experience with the series beforehand was like a couple episodes of the the p4anim years ago and playing p5 in 2016/2017) and kind of being shell-shocked by how characters like marie and teddie and namatame were perceived by the overall fanbase once i started engaging with it more i really appreciate all the writing and analysis and art and other shit you do for them. even the gas station attendant, a character i overlooked initially, i've come to love because of all the time and energy you put into picking them apart like a dead frog in a science class

uh yea idfk i feel generally vindicated by seeing the way you characterize these bitches. especially marie as someone who felt like a lot of her interesting aspects were evaporated by the fandom (somewhat because of p4ga i feel but but still) and wanted to see more silly fanart of her (and shumarie/soumarie/whatecvrer the fuck that wasn't just kind of surface level romance becuz i rlly do love their dynamic w how i see bancho in my head. idiots who dont know how to properly express themselves w one repressing themselves to adopt a likable persona and the other unable to shut the fuck up much to their own detriment. im not gonna get over that fucking "marie makes everyday sunny for him" post ever i think) so uh keep on keeping on and ill continue to like your posts and something

anyway dumb stupid cringe fucking rant over. i apologize if i come off like a loser i dont use this website and idk the general tumblr etiquette. im pretty sure shit like this shouldnt even go here but . dont need to respond to this i just wanted to yell into the void cuz i appreciate this account. rest of this will just be panels of marie and teddie and bancho from some of the p4g anthologies i own that i wanted to share in the off chance that you also dont already own said anthologies n have seen them befor. these r only from the last ID antho and the dengeki one because those r the only 2 i have proper pictures of

hai i read this ages ago and i wanna get back to it by saying youre so awesome possum forever and ever dont worry about your ettiquette because getting 3 essay worthy paragraphs of you talking is basically everyone ive met in the tumblr nation

another thing i remember is that a bestie also loved your offerings esp the last one because those two look so lalala AUAHUAHA okay i should answer this ask properly now that i have the time 🏃🏃🏃🏃

can we give it up for the bingers and blog skimmers !?!?!?! you guys are such an interesting breed i remember trying to do that in 2018 i can already recall the thrill going through my blood im so honored to see people doing that and moreso coming to me to tell me about it WAHAUHAHA 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

this gas station (blog) really is catered to the niche market of all time also because the way my brain is wired to just go in the dustiest nooks and corners of a community and thrive and live there. i AM the bug you see when you lift up the rock . hai . i'll do anything for these poor poor characters being tossed around like hot potato with people who dont bother understanding thing or even try to pick them up at all. also im getting such a kick every time someone tells me i got them into appreciating the attendant or even iznmi more OR in a different way. thats why im here bros . me when i do my JOB !!!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

the way fandom handles shipping has always irked me because theres just SO much you can do with two characters than just make them hold hands. what if there was blood invovled, you know . /starts pacing around the room / you know im glad you know the know it's so cool you know /shaking you/ im glad i have a post that's affected you so much like i thought it was just a silly caption at the time and seeing it after 2 or 3 years is like "YEAHH i cooked this " and im glad you brought it to me hehehe

i hope this gas station brings you joy and you keep coming back for more etc etc and please know i really am happy to see you around in whatever branch you show up at 🫡🫡🫡 /explordes