#im so fucking tired lol im sorry

[truckstoptigers]

i was four. i was only four. within that exact same year we met, he started molesting me. i know it was to get me used to it, to convince me it was fine, and i was fucking four so i didn't know any different. i'm sure on some level i thought it was weird that my mom didn't do that also, bc he would tell me it was okay since he was my dad, but i never said anything. i was only four. what the fuck else could i do?

then i turned five and everything got worse. sometimes the touching hurt, when he would do it too much, but it was nothing compared to what 2006 brought me. he raped me for the first time when i was only five years old, IN HIS BROTHER'S FUCKING HOUSE. while we were VISITING. THEY WERE HOME. but he told me it was okay, i was supposed to bleed, it was supposed to hurt; it meant i was doing it right. it was just a game, and i was winning, he said.

when i turned six, that was the first time he ever drove me to another man's house and left me there, but i figured out real quick what the purpose was. 2007 was the year he started trafficking me on top of molesting and raping me himself. my brother's mom never asked any questions, never asked me what happened while i was gone, let alone where i had gone. no one, when i was with my father on his weekends, cared enough to think it was weird. how could they not, though? i would come home limping, bleeding into my underwear (not that anyone else knew that), quiet & withdrawn. i cried a lot. i hid a lot. i just don't understand how nobody thought anything was wrong.

it was not the first time.

and the abuse went on for nine years in total.

i have had my father try to drown me - or, at least, enough to incapacitate me so i couldn't fight back (he told me "just remember what i could do if you get any ideas about telling"). i have had a grown man hold a knife to my throat and tell me that if i misbehaved, i wouldn't even have time to scream, he'd slit it so fast. i have had another chain me to his bed and tell me that god must have put me there in his bed, it was meant to be - i was unconscious at first because of being drugged but i woke up "just in time," as he put it. i have had men wrap their hands around my throat and squeeze, just to scare me but sometimes they'd do it until i passed out. i have had a man force me to wrap my mouth around the barrel of a gun, telling me it would only take a twitch of his finger to send a bullet through my brain. he then held it to my head while he raped me. i thought, for sure, that i was going to die that day. i knew by then that you don't mess around with guns for a reason; that only made it more terrifying. i knew, just like with the knife, that these things were not toys.

there's worse details i could give, but i don't think i can bring myself to do it. typing even just this much out was so hard. i keep trying to grapple with the brutality and violence of it all, but how can i? i was under ten years old for a lot of the stuff here. i was scared. i didn't want to die, and i didn't want anyone i loved to get hurt because they threatened me with that, too. i was so fucking scared all the time. it breaks my heart to think about it now. i really do wish i could go back and at least hug that little girl. i spent so long thinking i could easily lose my life whenever it was my father's weekend - now i tell my family i love them multiple times in a row because there was once a time i thought i'd never get the chance again.

it's so heavy, trying to carry all of this. especially since i've been doing it mostly alone (grandma knows some things) since i was four. i don't know what else to do here if not vent about the things that are bothering me. it does help a little bit, but not enough. not in the way i need. that's why i'm getting ready to get back into counseling.

it just fucks me up thinking about how my father had a very specific timeline for it. i don't know how else it'd be in perfect increments of one year. he planned it all out. he literally had a fucking game plan for ruining my childhood. that was how much it mattered to him.

i didn't get to be a child and now i don't feel like i'm as grown up as i should be at 22 years old.

[formulanni]

Some things have to change.

Tag list: @st-leclerc @rubywingsracing @saviour-of-lord @three-days-time @the-wall-is-my-goal @albonoooo @ch3rubd0lls

[killbaned]

Hi I can't figure out how to succinctly summarize how many expenses have happened in the last two weeks. After having no ac in my car for two years and busting my crippled ass to pay for new tires and the ac myself my tires ended up being more than I thought which ate into the ac money and now my ac problem may be an evaporator core which is very expensive and will leave me with no car for a while as it is fixed.

And also. My laptop died and no longer boots up. I've needed a new phone for months and was putting it off until I got the car done and I just. I'm tired. It's over 100f and I have no ac in my car and I'm disabled and severely heat intolerant and I'm just!!! I'm sorry. I know there's worse positions to be in and I tried really hard to take care of it all myself.

[Electric Bill for July was taken care of, I removed the image for post length]

I know it's a lot so if I could just get some help w my electric bill I had to put off for now that would be fine!!

Paypal (dead name)

Cash app

[marsbotz]

maybe its already too late for me

[m340700]

found an old thing

[ask-squidbeaks-agents]

// I never actually made Eight and Four their Side Order outfits and I need Four's for an ask so I though I might as well do up Eight at the same time lol- Everything Side Order related here will be flashback related as the blog is post SO. Also note the black tint at the end of Four's hands and tentacles isn't a Parallel Canon side effect but due to the fact she's classed as "Head of Security" so she used black ink like that of the Jelletons.

[indihome-suck]

Kemenag DKI released the exam results in a 50 page pdf ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️

[monstersinthecosmos]

not for anything but friendly reminder that ~fandom discourse~ about where women belong (or people you perceive as women) is misogynistic as fuck. or what they're allowed to say, or what they're allowed to write about, or what they're allowed to enjoy.

next time you see someone having a tantrum and vaguing, especially if their posts from week to week completely contradict each other, perhaps analyze if the common denominator is "a gross woman said something and now i'm mad" without otherwise adhering to any actual principles.

[2smolbeans]

Gonna be on hiatus for a while. I'll be lurking around and maybe organizing this blog- but I'll post a lot once I'm back

[puppyeared]

adhd comix

[that-gay-guy-from-hell]

So I always get disappointed when people dont add body hair to characters who should have it, however, after spending 30 mins adding hair to some Rust doodles/sketches, I 100% understand why people skip it cause my hand is fucking cramping lmao

(/silly + /lh)

TLT MASTERLIST

[archi-pelago]

the immense disappointment ive felt this week... had a regular customer i thought was chill put the moves on majorly in the middle of a friendly interaction... for a minute i forgor i Look Like This and that i am not immune to the male gaze

[foccaccia]

does anyone have recommendations for fictional media that has like. actual lesbians in it. not like supergirl Two White Skinny Girls, One Blonde and One Brunette Kiss media, or "its implied lesbianism!!!" but just regular fucking lesbians

[mokutone]

hi what do you think abt t4t kakayama (it's canon to me tbh)

:) hi ty for the question. i will do two sweet pictures of them being intimate and then under the cut there's going to be a longer very unsweet and more technical response

so i'm usually not a very shippy person! but that said i am also on the record as an occasional kakayama + kakayamagai enjoyer

i do hc them both as trans and in different ways w/ different experiences of transition and identity! i have no interest in proving my view as canon, but i do regard my reading of the text (text here including the anime) as a valid interpretation of yamato's experience of identity

yamato, for example, imo, doesnt have any real lived experience of being raised as a child of any gender. he was an experimental subject, and then he was Danzō's weapon/vessel for the mokuton, and then he was in anbu.

in a fun little word game which should not be taken seriously: it'd almost be more fitting to describe him as "adgender" rather than "transgender" since the prefix "trans" implies moving across where the prefix "cis" means to stand still, but the prefix "ad" means "to move towards" and i headcanon him as somebody who was degendered as a child, not in a cool nonbinary way, but instead in a dehumanizing, objectifying way, so his experience of creating his identity and his gender along with it is one of moving toward the concept of gender this word doesn't and wont exist, but bc of the way english works it would probably be simplified to be spelled precisely the same as "agender" in the same way that "aggression" came from latin "aggredi" which came from "ad" (meaning to/toward) and and latin "gradus" (meaning step) (essentially the combination means "to step to" [in a threatening manner]) the only diferences is where agender (meaning no gender) is pronounced ay-gender, the agender that comes from adgender would be prounounced more like "uhgender" in the same way that agressive isnt pronounced like "ay-gressive" but instead like "uhgressive"

and then...as for kakashi? i just decided on vibes. i didn't think hard about it.

i guess i should also say that, while i draw kakayama very infrequently, when i do draw it i usually try to be very apparent about the transness in the artwork if i can? especially if i'm drawing anything more intimate than a peck on the cheek. it's no secret that shipping is often times the most energized part of fandom, and i kind of don't want to produce romantic or sexual artwork which will be enjoyed by people who don't think trans people can be attractive? or who find that trans headcanons make a character uninteresting to them? or worse, "ruin" a depiction of a character to them?

often i think about in terms of. IF there are people that follow me that love my work (usually) and think that kakashi or yamato are hot (usually) and love kakayama (usually) but get frustrated or even uncomfortable out when i draw them as explicitly trans? then i'm drawing all intimate artwork of them as explicitly trans.

it's a little like...nobody gets to love my work if transgender characters are a turnoff for them. that's the bar for entry, is the way i think of it, but really its more like putting onions in a dish. if you want to eat the dish you have to eat the onions. if you don't want to eat the onions, don't eat the dish. all the meals i make contain onions. i'll never compromise on my intention to put onions in every dish i make. that's my ninja way, as the kids say.

especially in the climate we're in right now.

i don't know. i have a lot of feelings about how most fandoms tend to view trans men, especially in terms of romantic and sexual relationships. I'm doing a bad job of expressing the depth of how much seeing how fandom treats trans male identity and transmasculine bodies impacts the way that i draw + write kakayama, but genuinely it's something i think about every single time i create content about them.

[samsspambox]

update: i'm not dead

hello hello! idk if yall still remember this humble blog but tis I! the one and only sam in a spam can, samsspambox!

i realize i may have neglected this blog but i have come back from the trenches (going back to them tho) and have been quiet and i'm sorry but i'll probably be shifting back to posting again?? idk depends on how everything goes

tl;dr: i got hit by the ao3 author curse and had to take a step back

if you want the full woes keep reading, but otherwise,,, hello again! jkbzskjbzc

so much started going on around september 2023 and just now they started to calm down (or, i started to learn how to deal with it i guess)

here's a whole comprehensive list:

Sep 2023 - Complex where I lived for 16+ years got sold, had to start house hunting

Oct 2023 - idk if yall remember but i ended up dating that one guy i talked abt here (this came with consequences)

Nov 2023 - Family death, Mom got Sick

Dec 2023 - Mom had surgery, Another Family Death

Jan 2024 - internationally traveled to place where my parents are from (alone) to go to the funeral and pay respects to prior death, broke up with that one guy (which is a whole ordeal)

Feb 2024 - Moved out of childhood home

Mar 2024 - Interviews for jobs

It was just one thing after another after another and, well, i don't think that was an environment conducive to writing, even if i came up with cool concepts or rambles or stuff like that. i had no energy. and ik i had so many plans but life really said 'no, you stop right there' and essentially paused my fic writings which sucks but oh well. now ive got some stuff figured out and an extra day off so i might be able to pick up where i left off.

and ngl i miss all the tumblr homies *cries*

but yeah. slowly but steadily ill try to post again but no promises!

[caramelmochacrow]

yukaeso harumichi cosplay yayyy <333