#this blog is like a journal to me but i still feel bad abt how. graphic it is sometimes

[truckstoptigers]

i was four. i was only four. within that exact same year we met, he started molesting me. i know it was to get me used to it, to convince me it was fine, and i was fucking four so i didn't know any different. i'm sure on some level i thought it was weird that my mom didn't do that also, bc he would tell me it was okay since he was my dad, but i never said anything. i was only four. what the fuck else could i do?

then i turned five and everything got worse. sometimes the touching hurt, when he would do it too much, but it was nothing compared to what 2006 brought me. he raped me for the first time when i was only five years old, IN HIS BROTHER'S FUCKING HOUSE. while we were VISITING. THEY WERE HOME. but he told me it was okay, i was supposed to bleed, it was supposed to hurt; it meant i was doing it right. it was just a game, and i was winning, he said.

when i turned six, that was the first time he ever drove me to another man's house and left me there, but i figured out real quick what the purpose was. 2007 was the year he started trafficking me on top of molesting and raping me himself. my brother's mom never asked any questions, never asked me what happened while i was gone, let alone where i had gone. no one, when i was with my father on his weekends, cared enough to think it was weird. how could they not, though? i would come home limping, bleeding into my underwear (not that anyone else knew that), quiet & withdrawn. i cried a lot. i hid a lot. i just don't understand how nobody thought anything was wrong.

it was not the first time.

and the abuse went on for nine years in total.

i have had my father try to drown me - or, at least, enough to incapacitate me so i couldn't fight back (he told me "just remember what i could do if you get any ideas about telling"). i have had a grown man hold a knife to my throat and tell me that if i misbehaved, i wouldn't even have time to scream, he'd slit it so fast. i have had another chain me to his bed and tell me that god must have put me there in his bed, it was meant to be - i was unconscious at first because of being drugged but i woke up "just in time," as he put it. i have had men wrap their hands around my throat and squeeze, just to scare me but sometimes they'd do it until i passed out. i have had a man force me to wrap my mouth around the barrel of a gun, telling me it would only take a twitch of his finger to send a bullet through my brain. he then held it to my head while he raped me. i thought, for sure, that i was going to die that day. i knew by then that you don't mess around with guns for a reason; that only made it more terrifying. i knew, just like with the knife, that these things were not toys.

there's worse details i could give, but i don't think i can bring myself to do it. typing even just this much out was so hard. i keep trying to grapple with the brutality and violence of it all, but how can i? i was under ten years old for a lot of the stuff here. i was scared. i didn't want to die, and i didn't want anyone i loved to get hurt because they threatened me with that, too. i was so fucking scared all the time. it breaks my heart to think about it now. i really do wish i could go back and at least hug that little girl. i spent so long thinking i could easily lose my life whenever it was my father's weekend - now i tell my family i love them multiple times in a row because there was once a time i thought i'd never get the chance again.

it's so heavy, trying to carry all of this. especially since i've been doing it mostly alone (grandma knows some things) since i was four. i don't know what else to do here if not vent about the things that are bothering me. it does help a little bit, but not enough. not in the way i need. that's why i'm getting ready to get back into counseling.

it just fucks me up thinking about how my father had a very specific timeline for it. i don't know how else it'd be in perfect increments of one year. he planned it all out. he literally had a fucking game plan for ruining my childhood. that was how much it mattered to him.

i didn't get to be a child and now i don't feel like i'm as grown up as i should be at 22 years old.

[transgaysex]

and also now im just vaguely paranoid of where i talk about what.

[fahbev]

Hi! Saw you jumped on the tim hate train, welcome to the club! Aplarently you're Damian fan, which is good bc hes also one of the characters who's hit by tim's..woobification? Victimization(???) while simultaneously being the bestest, most competent batfam member. You Damian fans honestly have my respect for the pure amount of shit Damian gets because of tim.

hi lmao. Thanks xD. I usually try to keep all my negativity off of the internet, but last night I was going the anti Tim drake tag bc my frustration was flaring up. At first i was collecting posts by liking them instead of rb, then I was replying, and then at some point... “Fuck it. I want this on my blog.”

(This is gonna be a ramble btw, I don’t care abt making a good post rn.)

I used to be fine with Tim! I think the whole thing was a lot less prominent in the dpxdc fandom bc DANNY was the fan favorite/community elected woobie, but then I kinda moved out and... well. It still took awhile for this issue to seep in bc those Tim fans (you know the ones) are certainly a minority, but I just don’t think you can be a Damian fan for longer than a few months without getting frustrated.

Nowadays I refuse to read anything tagged with any variation of “Tim Drake angst” that features the batfam. Timkon fics are usually just fine though.

Actually— recently? Shit’s been bothering me so bad that I don’t wanna risk reading fics that have Tim in the first relationship tag at all. He’s gotta at most be in the second one. Ship fics are again an exception, but I don’t tend to seek out ship fics much anyway.

But, like I said, I usually keep it to myself. Every time i catch myself venting in the tags I either screenshot the tags and delete, or I delete and retype them. I put them into a private notes document. I also journal in there a lot instead of posting it.

That document is pretty long.

I do wanna say that there’s nothing wrong with what tim fans are doing. It is fun to woobify your fave. It’s fun to prop them up and tear others down and make everything about your blorbo and it is harmless. I do it too (usually in my daydreams). It’s a fantasy, and that’s what fanfiction is for. People who act like it’s “problematic” are wrong. That doesn’t mean it’s not annoying. Because it is. It’s annoying as all fuck.

Also wanna mention that I once read a damian fic that like... started off with some delicious whump, but then it turned into a whole Damian pity party and it guilt tripped all his friends and family. Damian IS my blorbo and I couldn’t read that. I didn’t even know who Maps was at the time but it seemed so bizarre to throw her under the bus. Anyway I feel like that’s what a quite large portion of Tim fic is like except a bit less extreme.

I used to tell myself that “ohhh it’s just a rivalry. I’m sure Tim fans get the same shit in reverse all the time” but I literally NEVER see it in the other direction and spend the most of my time in Damian circles. The only time I see tim hate from damian fans is frustration at those particular fans in response to it or in response to favoritism of authors.

I mean i saw a good chunk of it last night, but what else can I expect from the anti tim drake tag?

It’s actually funny how most of the stuff in anti tags is polarized hate shitting on the character with a lot of bad takes, but in tims anti tag it was almost exclusively frustration from Damian and Jason fans, and usually pretty mild takes. Also people calling Tim boring.

Ngl, Idk much about Jason. I’m familiar with his fanon, but the only comic i’ve read that featured him in a major way was Gotham War. I don’t know him well, and I don’t have too much interest in him. However, I hate “Jason falls over in guilt and kisses Tim’s fingers begging for forgiveness” type posts in solidarity. It’s yucky.

Anyway, I didn’t even mean to get on this anti tim train you speak of, It just sorta leaked out of my vent doc. Don’t expect me to keep posting about it.

but also... don’t not expect it. It might happen.

Even so, my dms are absolutely open for Timothy Drake related frustration! I’m pretty tired of being nice to him.

[radioblonde]

so I'm starting this here

I'm just some other happy, free, confused, and lonely junior in college who didn't understand how perfectly aligned those four words were back in 2012 when Red (OG and ONLY version) was released.

So, I'm taking a rhetoric of pop culture class (pop cultural analysis thru the lens of Taylor Swift AAH!) that has inspired me to finally join Tumblr after the literal decade I've spent taking influence, in every single way, from this damn site.

Like, why haven't I been blogging my life down forever? What the fuck is the use of a journal anyway? jk #diaries4ever

I write a lot about the things that I'm blessed to experience. and I'd love to share for whoever might relate or love it themselves.

I spoke to professor Proulx about this last week. I used to get insecure when speaking up about my opinion sometimes, like I wouldn't say the right things or hurt the wrong feelings. She told me that sometimes--people forget that we're all going through the same shit. some are more scared than others, but only because the others were once just as scared too. we all move past it someday. So as it turns out, all those ppl were actually right when they said comparison is the thief of joy. we've all got things to say and do, whether independently or with ppl alongside. if it's in words, it's in the world. Why tuck it away in your own world, when nothing's as it seems even in the real world? We learn best when put into practice. So fuck it.

separate thought, but remember needing to put "Tumblr" when searching up anything online? it was literally the only way. why did Tumblr even fall off like that. I feel like it's so creatively unique. I get the surface-level mainstream community online kinda giving up on it, but how abt the writers, creatives, and artsy girls of our generation? are they on it, and I'm just late af??

I used to have one of those Tumblr summer bucket list accounts with my best friend growing up...without actually using Tumblr. in all fairness, we were literally on the internet at like 10 years old. a pre-teen can only learn so much at once LOL.

I started stanning Taylor Swift when her and I stopped being friends. In like 2014. iconic ass time. even tho I was literally 11, I'm so nostalgic over it lol. I wanted to be a teenager then so bad. I wonder how I'll feel about high school in 2019-2022 in the future--If that nostalgia could ever beat Tumblr nostalgia (and that's coming from someone who lived vicariously thru it on IG!)

her and I were besties for like all of high school. but our second breakup, end of senior year, was the realest. everything and everyone was embarrassing. especially me. Lowkey depressing. So, I left Miami for college, excited to meet new people or new vibes... until I eventually realized that I've never comfortably fit in anywhere just yet. Maybe I should just blame Florida. or maybe it's cause I've been made to believe I'm not Latina enough (that's bs. Ik where I come from). maybe it's all bs, and I just need to finally move to NYC with Chan, my childhood bestie. all I know is that it doesn't really matter what city I'm in if I know where I wanna go.

Third year now. Still got Taylor. and I've come to love those random experiences and memories that once felt like blades puncturing my lungs. the bright side of every situation is actually, really cute. cause fr, apart from irl limits or calamity, what you see is what you get.

Anyways, I'm bringing back Tumblr, if it's even as dead as it seems rn.

[vraska-theunseen]

you know you can make posts unrebloggable right

yeah but i never remember that when im making posts i only remember to after someone already reblogs the post or multiple people do if i don't check for a while and it still annoys me immensely that anyone would reblog it it's always personal ranting shit that's like just me whining and kvetching abt my own personal feelings it's like journaling but public yknow blogs and then someone reblogs it and im like why would you want to spread this it's me whining and i am not someone who is in any kind of bad circumstances or whose opinion matters in this issue it's me complaining about my upper class family's opinions on israel that are endlessly frustrating and desolating to hear but that is not a pertinent problem in the scope of the issue (i mean the general american peoples opinions do matter in the sense of pressuring lawmakers i guess even though so many people have been protesting and calling and sending letters and supporting a ceasefire and it seems to be doing very little but anyway im not talking about that in general im just whining abt how it makes Me feel) i don't want people to think that i want others to elevate my whining or for people who don't follow me to see it i just like to air my thoughts and this problem could be solved by my not making personal whiny posts but it's my blog lol. maybe i am expecting too much for my blog to occasionally work as a closed ecosystem because i AM posting publicly and that's the consequences but i still feel like people on here could think for a second before they reblog something like hey is this post discussing relevant points relating to this issue or is this user venting their personal frustrations with their family not intending for it to be uplifted at all? do you remember that this post about "wanting to kill myself because they had such a bad day in shop and i can't be a person" is coming from a real person who is really experiencing that? is it therefore likely to be "relatable" fodder for you to share or a personal post made out of frustration to air their thoughts in a moment of misery? like idk man read the room

[sotorubio]

i love reading your thoughts soooo much and the ask you got about joana made me miss eskam (or at least the eskam characters lol) what do you think the girl squad is up to these days!!! on another note do you think cris ever had a crush on amira ok that's all have a lovely day

thank u so much that's so sweet!! i love talking abt things on this blog so i rly appreciate that others enjoy to read it too! also yes the distinction between missing eskam vs missing the characters is important they fucked up so bad in the end.....

i'm not completely familiar w the school system in spain but if i'm not mistaken they would've started uni by now? at least that's what i'm going off of! keep in mind that i never finished s4 so idk if any of their future plans r canon but here's what i like to think:

my favorite suggetsion for all nooras is always to go into journalism which i think also fits nora v well. i wanna believe she's still w alejandro & they're planning to go on a trip together when they can :) kinda as a symbolic thing bc alejandro going abroad was what kept them apart originally so now they wanna travel together! nora is probably in a much better place now that it's been almost exactly a year since leaving her toxic relationship. i think eva specifically has helped her through it a lot n is probably making sure it's not all coming back too heavily now that there have been so many "anniversaries". i also believe she has continued to make music w jorge n they've become rly close friends!!

i think eva is doing smth w biology, maybe marine biology would be her thing idk why i just get the feeling she might like that (n i think she canonically took sciences in school?) i feel like she n viri r the once who always come up w stuff they could do as group n spam the group chat w ideas of game nights or movie marathons bc they want to keep each other close so badly ❣️

viri is such a caring & sweet person i see her doing smth involving children like maybe a pediatrician or even day care or smth like that! she n hugo r probably still together n her parents absolutely adore him! i also think viri might be the type to get married very young so if their relationship lasts (which i have mixed feelings abt but let's assume the best here) she might be the first out of the group to get engage, definitely not yet but maybe at like 20!

amira my beloved i think she should become a doctor or a nurse smth in the medical field bc she definitely loves to help ppl n try to take concrete actions to make the world a better place. i hope she has had some deep talks w the squad n they have genuinely started to take her feelings into account. besides that i think she is even more active in w las labass n they've managed to grow & promote their community even more!! amira definitely wants to keep that in her life even if she's studying in uni rn!

cris is. probably just being cris. trying to navigate uni life smfjskkd i think she has grown a lot n probably takes school a bit more seriously now, maybe she's kinda just figuring out her interests tho! like i think she might have some troubles sticking to one field of studies n doubts herself a bit since commitment has always been a challenge for her! n maybe joana is kind of a grounding force for her n she can believe in herself & her decision making skills better w joana's help. i could see her getting interested in some sort of media field maybe, communications or social studies could also be her thing! she's probably become a much better friend for amira n also if my url doesn't speak for itself i Really believe that lucas n her have become extremely close friends n since they both like partying they probably go to gay bars together all the. time n constantly face time each other for no apparent reason bc they just like chatting w each other ❤️

also like i said i think they all rly value the squad's bond & friendship so they always make the effort to hang out together & make time for each other. they're probably often busy so when they do all have the time to meet up they most likely just have to stay the night sleeping on couches & just the hard floor bc they continue their talks well into the night. their partners especially joana have always seemed to be an important part of the group too but sometimes they'll just host "no significant others" hang outs where bringing ur gf/bf is prohibited n their partners r obviously 100% okay w that n can see how much they all need to spend time together just the five of them 🥺🥺

ALSO YES UR BRAIN IS HUGE CRIS DEFINITELY HAD A CRUSH ON AMIRA!!!!! like she probably didn't recognize it back then but maybe some day they're having one of those late night talks n amira says an inside joke that cris laughs at n then it kinda clicks for her & No Filter cris jumps out just like wait. hold on. i just realized i was madly in love w u when we were kids msjfkskdkd queen of crushing on amira at an appropriate age 🥰 amiris is the realest thing

[wingedbeings]

how do u grow ur blogs? i’ve had mine for so long n i see so many similar blogs grow pretty quick, but mine just never has /: it was never really abt followers for me i guess, but this has been my outlet (i’ve never found a good way of expressing myself, journaling n all, it never worked for me) but everything feels more pointless than ever n i guess i just want a reason for it. but maybe it’s bc i don’t post my own stuff?? idk but i never felt like anyone would pay attention so i just don’t

for me it's been the same regarding this being the one method that does work for me and that I can manage when it comes to expressing myself, and I think it's because it just helps to be able to connect with people honestly! having a larger following can help a lot with that so it's understandable that while you don't run these blogs for a follower count you still appreciate more interaction with your blogs, which tends to mostly happen through gaining followers

I think it's likely that a big part of the reason your blogs aren't gaining followers as quickly is because tumblr tends to just not really show smaller blogs the same ways they do larger blogs in recommendations and such it seems! I'm really unsure why honestly but I've noticed it happen quite a bit D:

due to that a good way to still have your blog show for people is making original posts in the community tags, as especially when people follow the tags your post is more likely to show up on people's dash and gives people a bit of a preview of your content, often resulting in them checking out your blog!

original content isn't always easy to make though and I'm personally really bad with articulating myself so due to that I also struggle with doing so more, and on top of that there's feelings like the ones you described and the like as well!

so doing that doesn't always work out for everyone, and what I then suggest is for example making a promotional post for your blog in the community tags describing the kind of content you blog about and such! and potentially tagging a few similar blogs in it so they can reblog it! or if you feel comfortable doing so to send some other blogs a promotional ask for your blog so their following is likely to see it!

when it comes to making your own posts in the community tags, as of lately tumblr has been kind of weird about actually circulating posts in the tags, and posts gain a lot less traction than they used to a few years ago, but some things I've found that help with that a little are:

- using no more than 10 tags (I'm not sure why? tumblr just tends to not have it show up otherwise)

- making the first 5 tags the most popular community tags

- publishing the post in one go including the tags (without drafting it or pausing doing so)

- not editing the post anymore after publishing (somehow this tends to also mess with it, so if you need to just take down the original and repost the edited version!)

- posting at times that the most people will be online

- and lastly, having a post with tags gain some notes from your followers also tends to make it begin showing up faster, as sometimes it seems to take between 12-36 hrs for a post to really gain notes otherwise (so try not to get discouraged if a post doesn't gain notes immediately! it's most likely due to tumblr being dysfunctional!)

additionally things like posting regularly, using a tagging system, and tagging things for blacklisting can also help gain your blogs more followers and interaction in general! :D

and things like being in people's notes a lot can also make them check out your blog of course!

I really hope any of this could help some!! ♡

[patchdotexe]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

[sunnie-moved]

🌻fifty questions tag🌻

1. What takes up too much of your time?

— this hellsite....and currently documentaries!! i just watched this one called “Blackfish” i recommend it, but it’s not for the faint of heart. it’s very sad, it’s about SeaWorld

2. What makes your day better?

— the girl i like!! she’s really sweet and talking to her always makesmy day brighter! and also my friends!

3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today?

— the girl i like asked me out on a date !!!

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

— omg!!!! the spirit world in atla/tlok!!! or just anywhere in that universe tobe honest!!!

5. Are you good at giving advice?

— it depends on the situation, to be honest

6. Do you have a mental illness?

— i have diagnosed depression and anxiety, and my therapist talked abt bpd but we haven’t dived into it yet

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

— no, knock on wood!

8. What musician(s) inspired you the most?

—  hozier, declan mckenna, taemin, hayley kiyoko, troye sivan, and jonghyun

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

— yes

10. What’s your dream date?

— i’ve always wanted to go to this one cafe in town thats inspired about this one classical musician and !! i’m going there sometime after the girl i like comes back from florida! i’m so excited like !!

11. What do others notice about you?

— my chest tbh, or my tooth gap. i also have a cute lil mole under my eye/above my cheek

12. What’s an annoying habit you have?

— i tend to leave things lay around, i’ve been working on it but ahhhh . 

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

— yes, she hurt me but she’s still important to me platonically

14. How many exes do you have?

— 3 if u count actual relationships where we saw each other irl (and knew each other irl) 5 if not that

15. How many songs are in you playlist?

— like 3000, i like a lot of insturments

16. What instruments can you play?

— piano and recorder. the girl i like is trying to teach me trumpet tho (i’m bad at it omg)

17. What do you have the most pictures of?

— taemin, probably

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

— all around the world to be honest. i’d love to visit spain, thailand, norway, both koreas, china, and mexico.

19. What’s your zodiac?

— aquarius

20. Do you relate to it?

— yeahhhh

21. What is happiness to you?

— acheiving what i set my mind to, being surrounded by the people i love and the people that support me

22. Are you going through anything right now?

— a major custody battle w my family; a depressive episode; lots of stress and money struggles; friend changes/drama

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

— letting people control what i do and how i do things (they aren’t my guardians*); not waiting to have sex

24. What’s your favorite store?

— any  book one, to be honest

25. What’s your opinion on abortions?

— a woman/person born w a vagina can do whatever she wants to her body and i don’t think anyone else should really have a say in it

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

— a mental one of sorts

27. Do you have a favorite album?

— i have many, but one of my All Time faves is Hozier by Hozier

28. What do you want for your birthday?

— money, if not that then: watercolor, bracelet string, journals, cute clothes

29. What are most peoples first impressions of you?

— apparently i’m intimidating?? i don’t try to be!! i try to come off as approachable as possible but ahhahhhhh :/

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

— 18ish

31. Where do you keep your phone when you sleep?

— on the little stand i have beside my bed (plugged in and charging ofc)

32. What word do you say the most?

— valid; mood; estoy cansada; i love you; fuck/damn/shit

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

— 18

34. What’s the youngest you would date?

— 15

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

— something to do with languages or helping people/animals

36. What’s your favorite music genre?

— alternative, rock, indie

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

— Canada or Norway

38. What’s your current favorite song?

— i want to hold your hand by the beatles; say say say by paul mcartney and mj; replay 0127 by nct

39. How long have you had this blog?

— since dec30 so 3 months almost 4

40. What are you excited for?

— gonna do volleyball this summer!! i’m excited for that!! and also my date uwu

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

— talker gd i never shut the hell up

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

— cleaned my room, bought things for my health, showered/etc

43. What do you want for Christmas?

— money; if not that then: keyboard, probs taemin’s newest album bc i still don’t own it

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

— spanish

45. On a scale of 1-10 how are you feeling right now?

— if one is best and ten is worst, im a solid 3

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years?

— something with linguistics; maybe a teacher

47. When did you experience your first heartbreak?

— december 10 2018 if youre talking romance wise

48. What age do you want to get married?

— i don’t really want to get married but maybe like my 30s if i choose to??

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

— lawyer

50. What do you crave right now?

— i really want to cuddle w the girl i like and binge disney movies:(((

thank you @bfjeno​ for tagging me!! i miss you cj ahh ily ☀️

i tag: @haojuns ​ 🌻 @tanniel ​ 🌻 @rebeljae ​ 🌻 @lovwonho ​ 🌻 @sassmastermeg ​ 🌻 @babieken ​ 🌻 @coffeeshopgay ​ || do not feel forced to do it my loves, this was only for funsies! ☀️

[soysaucevictim]

Week 9 & 4.

-

May 9

I think I woke up around 11AM.

Spent some time preparing dad’s old computer for transferring his files to a new computer and some dishes. Meanwhile, I worked on today’s Hello Fresh Meal- Philly Style Beef Melts. Everybody enjoyed this one too, so that made me happy. (Because it was a bit involved.)

I then spent some time chatting and shopping, before starting to set-up dad’s new computer. Had a panic episode about misplaced information - but I found it soon enough and continued aforementioned set-up.

Another day where I got my exercise done FAR too late. (Like around 11PM...)

First, today’s DD. 2′ butt kicks with EC. I counted 228 reps, close to 2/sec. Regardless, i tried to do it more quietly (and slow-ish), because of the time. But it certainly was no less intense.

Second, Day 49 of the 60DoC. Level 3, 1′ rest. This was pretty fun work - only felt bad about my timing today. Single leg hops do require some focus, but they’re fun for it.

Third, Day 19 of the C&AC. 4x push-ups to failure, Numbers were 26-20-14-10, this time. I endeavored to increment it up a little bit. It wan’t the best form but oh well.

Last, Day 19 of the DSC. 10 punches were just as jab+crosses and swapping stances at 50 again.

I meant to get more done but most of the remaining day was spent working on dad's new computer. Which made me miss my bed time. I decided it was time to restart my sleeping on time streak on Habitica, at that point. Ah well, work in progress.

-

May 10

I woke up pretty late. Kind of not surprised for how obscenely late I went to bed, last night.

Watched a bit of YouTube and did some dishes before starting on today’s exercise.

First, today’s DD. 40 lunges w/ twist EC (20/20), Just about manageable, not much else to remark on for me.

(After some final touches, setting up dad’s computer...)

Second, Day 50 of the 60DoC. Level 3, 1′ rest. That got me right bushed. Those jumping lunges were particularly brutal. I’m also finding myself feeling it during calf raises of late, despite them usually pretty breezy exercises! Goes to show how stacking/context matters, in workouts.

Third, Day 20 of the C&AC. 6x20 shoulder taps. Very doable work, did rock a bit as I went. Mostly out of impatience. :P

Last, Day 20 of the DSC. Same approach as yesterday.

Had a brief spike in anxiety over family stuff again... but talking about distractions helped.

I also got in some art progress and a gratitude journal entry. I chose to get work done at expense of working on sleep schedule (I promise myself I’ll be able to work on this more consistently after current project is over.).

-

May 11

I did manage to get up earlier than yesterday.

First, today’s DD. 40 squat hold side bends with EC. This was fun and manageable. Did almost lose my balance early in, but I was able to regain my focus to get through it without further issue.

(After several hours of watching YouTube and waiting on food to digest...)

Second, Day 51 of the 60DoC. Level 3, 30″ rest. Relatively more breezy, since it was mostly march steps. The switch to butt kicks were a bit challenging for the knees, but manageable.

Third, Day 21 of the C&AC. 6x push-ups to failure. I counted 26-20-14-10-10. Not stellar form, but acceptable.

Last, Day 21 of the DSC. Nothing fancy/unique today.

After some chatting, I managed to get some art done and some gratitude journal stuff... didn’t get to bed on time.

-

May 12

I woke up around 11AM.

Had some irritation with computer and spent a few minutes prepping for my telehealth psych appointment. The latter went alright. Made a few other necessary phone calls.

The only exercise I got around to doing was today’s DD. 2′ un/clenching fists with EC. I counted about 220 reps by the end, not too shabby... and arguably one of the only good things happened for awhile, today.

Played some cards, made some dinner... and then shit went down the tubes again. Got hurt by some words from family and found self in tailspin.

Chatting with a friend and trying to do something silly did take some edge off (basically pulling an allnighter, in process,).

But I still felt fucking awful. Friend showed me this comic later and yeah... basically sums up how I feel. Also made it hard to avoid tinging gratitude journal with some negativity,

-

May 13

I woke up around 2PM, and was still pretty melancholy.

But after a bit of pep talk, I got my exercise in somewhat early.

First, today’s DD. 2′ sitting punches with EC. I counted 238 reps by the end, so close to 2/sec. But it was no less intense, especially just from hold that ab contraction for 2′ straight. But at least it was a personal favorite and a good way to get me feeling a little better.

Second, Day 52 of the 60DoC. Level 3, 1′ rest. Took a bit of psyching up and minor aggravation with the phone going off a few times during. I’m just happy I got myself though it, despite everything. I ended up having to sit down for a minutes to get in the rest of my exercise.

Third, Day 22 of the C&AC. 6x22 shoulder taps. Nothing to really remark in either direction here.

Last, Day 22 of the DSC. Did nothing too fancy with my 100 punches.

I then played a game of cards and decided to finish that silly project I started yesterday. Spent some time chatting... and feeling still down afterwards (family-related). Vented a bit on twitter, wrote a letter, and played some games before going to bed.

Late again.

-

May 14

I think I got up earlier than yesterday.

Did some dishes, made some dinner, and spent most off my time setting up this new Elgato thing I recently bought. Been an interesting/curios distraction. Chatted a bit about that, before exercising... extremely late today.

First, today’s DD. 40 standing W-extensions with EC. Pretty breezy and fun work.

Second, Day 53 of the 60DoC. Level 3, 1′ rest. This was intense. I stepped into/out-of planks for transitions again. I also felt a bit self-conscious abt the noise I was making with those high knees. But mission accomplished.

Third, Day 23 of the C&AC. 5x push-ups to failure. I incremented my numbers up to 26-20-18-12-10. This was pretty intense, especially after previous plank work.

Last, Day 23 of the DSC. Nothing fancy today, again.

Had a bit of grumpiness about the trash sitch but decided to ramble on the fandom blog about Sanders Sides. I have no idea why I only got to bed when dawn broke. But whatever.

-

May 15

Been losing track of when I manage to get up... but I want to say it was after 1PM today.

After a bit of tag browsing, did some dishes and made today’s Hello Fresh Meal. Zingy mustard soy salmon. This went over pretty well. I enjoyed it a lot and wouldn’t mind getting this one again. (Was craving salmon for some time of it...)

I rendered a sugar syrup with leftover lime zest + ginger... think that’ll taste pretty good in tea.

First, today’s DD. 1′ squat hops with EC. I counted 71 reps and it got pretty brutal. Wanted to find a sustainable pace, yet still think I sped up near the end.

Second, Day 54 of the 60DoC. Level 3, 1′ rest.

Third, Day 24 of the C&AC. 6x24 shoulder taps. A bit of rocking out of fatigue and lateness, but manageable. I haven’t really stated, but this last week started gettng pretty intense.

Last, Day 24 of the DSC. Nothing fancy, again.

I spent some time taking a shower and doing some therapy homework. Got to bed in the red zone...

[kayvsworld]

kay pls share your productivity & mental health tips

!!! okie dokie!!!! some productivity & mental health tips from someone who struggles a ton with both:

[tip zero: try a bunch of stuff and find out what works best for you. do you need visual reminders? do you need to write things down? how much time do you need for things? try stuff out, and if it doesn’t work, move on to a different thing]

tip one:

my most important Day-To-Day Being Functional tip: make a goddamn plan my dude

have a to-do list on your phone or a bullet journal or Something so that you Know what you need to do because your brain will not remember ever and when you ask it what needs to be done it’ll be like “nothing” or “EVERYTHING AND IT’S IMPOSSIBLE”

depending on where you’re at, this can mean setting up 9 reminders to take meds and also shower and also Eat A Real Food. that’s fine and okay and there’s nothing wrong with needing reminders for basic life tasks. u gotta use whatever system works pal

PUT YOUR SCHEDULE IN YOUR PHONE or have it in a little agenda or something that you can bring around with you. i went from attending Zero classes to attending All of them in exactly 1 week with this cool fun tip. give yourself something to look at with your real actual eyes that you have on hand that will tell you what you’re supposed to be doing. your brain will lie to you and tell you that it’s a lot more than what it is and that it’s Impossible. your to-do-list/schedule/weekly plan will tell it to shut up on your behalf

tip two (okay it’s highkey just tip one point five but hey whatever): make a Reasonable™ plan

if you know you have brain troubles, take a minute to stare at the ceiling right now and accept that you have some brain troubles. then plan accordingly

have realistic expectations of what you can get done in a day. have realistic expectations of what you can do last minute. Know what obstacles you have to work around, regardless of whether or not they’re the Same obstacles that Everyone Else is working around, and plan around them (ex. giving yourself extra time, setting up extremely specific “drink some water kay u gremlin” trackers in your planner,,)

plan for things with the expectation that you’re going to be at a mental health level of -9999999999 at all times (which will both be super great for when you actually Do have a super bad day, and will also make you feel extra good when you can get more than you planned for accomplished on a good day!)

three: your brain is very stressed. pls give it tiny chunks of responsibilities to work with

break things into small pieces. you’re not going to write a good paper in a day, and if you TRY it’ll be massively stressful and you’ll feel terrible afterwards and it’ll just be a super bad time. do a little bit at a time 

have a big reading? do a chapter a day. have a bad day? read a page or two. it’s better than nothing and doing a little bit at a time before the due date will save your life when it’s midnight the night before your thing is due and you’re too busy having an anxiety to even start the thing

i have a project due late november. i am telling myself that the major part is due several weeks beforehand so that i have time to catch up if i messed up on it at some point! i am telling myself that the research needs to be done by the 4th at the latest. I know that if i leave it and follow the actual deadlines i will not get it done until literally the day before and i will Die Of Anxiety so i will not do this

four: eat? sleep? eat and sleep

set up a sleep schedule (a realistic sleep schedule. if you know you’re not going to be in bed at 9pm don’t lie to yourself my dude). stick to it as best as you can. if you need a nap, plan time for a 20 minute nap. if you don’t sleep your brain will just get worse and be less helpful. just lying down with your screens off for a few hours even if you don’t sleep is way better than nothing!

eat a real actual food! pls don’t try to live off of tea and, like, some crackers. i have tried this 0/10. doing the food thing takes energy, but if you plan in advance when you’re doing well, you’ll have something to fall back on! I have fruit cups and a bunch of healthy snacks set up in my room for extra bad days. a nice time

try to buy some cheap emergency non-perishables in bulk so that if you, like me, haven’t managed to go grocery shopping since the end of september, you will still have canned veggies & beans and frozen fruit and some rice and stuff. 

5: hey have you noticed that all of my tips are just “make a plan” re: slightly different parts of your life? this one is too i’m a fake tip maker

are you too anxious to do an important thing? 100% completely stuck and screaming into the void? well, thanks to the nifty plan you already set up as per the first two “make a plan” tips, you’ll know that this giant important thing is ACTUALLY some smaller, less scary things standing on each others shoulders under a trench coat and Pretending to be impossible to tackle. 

move down the list until you find something that seems kinda doable. do it, then circle back and find another part that seems the most ok. that way you’re kind of building momentum! if you absolutely can’t do anything on this list, maybe try doing something else (not time-consuming, don’t procrastinate) that will give you a little sense of accomplishment to kickstart the process!

general brain struggles tips:

being kind to yourself is hard. do your best anyway. if you notice yourself thinking mean thoughts abt yourself that have no business being there, shush yourself internally in your best “my dog is barking” voice and move on! would you say that stuff to your best friend or your pet or a ten-year-old you? replace the bad thing with a nice thing, even if the nice thing feels super fake at the time

“but these things are all true!! i’m a terrible person and–” nah dude here is your honorary shushing from me. “this is a thing i made but it’s horrible and it’s so messy and–” shh i love it and it’s good enough because you’re good enough etc etc. i’ve heard a couple of people suggest thinking abt your shitty negative thoughts as like,,,some edgelord asshole on like. twitter or something. thank you for your input, jeremy, i’m going to go actually do shit now, if you don’t mind,

physical activity actually does help and i can’t believe i thought it was a lie this whole time. stretch! go for a quick walk if you can! 

go outside if you’re able to! fresh air and a little break is good for you!!

i’ve started making lists of things that i like that make me happy. it’s very cheesy but it’s a nice thing to do to settle down and then you can look back on it like “oh shit there actually is stuff i enjoy. sweet”

reaching out to other people can help a lot! friends & family are cool, but also there are a lot of resources out there where you can ask questions and someone will give you tips (especially at university. thanks university)

if you don’t have anyone to reach out to, for whatever reason, congratulations you are your own cheerleader now!!!! a great job to have!!!! you are your own parent and your own tutor and it’s now your job to give yourself Cheesy Pre-Fantasy-Battle Level Pep Talks and make sure you’ve got your shit kind of together. walk yourself through the facts surrounding the hard thing! make a blog where you can flood yourself with cheesy positive messages and inspiration! make a journal so you have something to vent to! leave yourself helpful sticky notes on your door so that you don’t forget that you need to bring a specific thing somewhere. 

progress is progress. progress is something to be celebrated, even if you’ve just gone from Very Super Bad to Slightly Less Bad. done is better than perfect and progress is better than perfection etc etc 

Summary: 

make a plan that you can fall back on

n o, make a REASONABLE plan,

break things down until they’re in small enough pieces to be manageable

eat and sleep are important things. do those 

u know the tips from 2 and 3? it’s that, that’s the tip

do your absolute best to be kind and patient with yourself

I BELIEVE IN YOU

[ultiimate-chimera]

All 50 Unless you can figure out who and message me-

i’m pretty sure i know who this is but i’ll do it anyways- also fight me-

Do you prefer writing with black or blue pen?

Already answered!

Would you prefer to live in the country or the city?

Country tbh, but just outside a city too, primarily for convenience (also I hate long travels)

If you could learn a new skill, what would it be?

this doesn’t specify if it means actual possible skill here s o shapeshi f t-

Do you drink your tea or coffee with sugar?

I only drink tea but f UCk do i ever drown it in sugar

What was your favourite book as a child?

I have like 0 memories of my childhood so idk? I really liked the Where’s Waldo books though lmao-

Do you prefer baths or showers?

Already answered! 

If you could be a mythical creature, which would you choose?

I wOULD B E A SHAP E S HIFT ER

Do you prefer reading paper or electronic books?

Already answered! 

What is your favourite item of clothing?

scARVES tbh?? and necklaces too if the chain isn’t scratchy or catches ur hair easily. also sweaters are a necessity

Do you like your name? Would you ever change it?

g od no I hate my name tbh. and yes I plan on changing it sometime but I’m not 100% certain what to change it to yet-

Who is a mentor to you?

l ots of people tbh?? @buttercupforgiveness and @underkinsans were the first people to approach me when I first made this blog and had little to no understanding of how2kincommunity so I’m thankful for that- and I still tend to go to buttercupforgiveness for clarification on some kin things every now and then so-

but otherwise aside from in terms of tumblr, I guess my qpp and my dad ?

Would you ever want to be famous? If so, what for?

Already answered! 

Are you a restless sleeper?

YE S gosh I need to shuffle around like every 5 seconds I just cannot stay still ever-

Do you consider yourself a romantic?

Not really ?? I wouldn’t say so but-

Which element best represents you?

Already answered! 

Who do you want to be closer to?

uHH well for one I’d like to maybe talk to @funnybone800 more sometime cause they great but I suck at conversing and friendshipness but. aND basically all my mutuals? y’all are gr8 i hope u all have a nice day

Do you miss someone at the moment?

I feel like I do but I don’t know who if that makes sense? I can’t really pinpoint it and memory is bad so

Tell us about an early childhood memory.

s o one time when my dad and mom were still together i tried making them breakfast at like 7 am when i was a small child who couldn’t even reach the freakin. stove top. i managed to get the egg carton and drop it on the floor. fun times.

What is the strangest thing you have eaten?

squid

What can you see outside your bedroom window?

a stupidly tall fence, the neighbour’s line of trees, a trampoline, some sorta big swing thingy, and lawn chairs.

What are you most thankful for?

uhh. friens.

Do you like spicy food?

YES but I hATE the burning sensation

Have you ever met someone famous?

Nope, not that I remember.

Do you keep a diary or journal?

A physical diary/journal, nope. I do journal kin memories on my phone though! I have bad memory lol-

Do you prefer to use pen or pencil?

Pen, tbh. I’ve never been a fan of the freakin noises pencils make when you write with them. just sounds bad-

What is your star sign?

Leo! 

Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy?

Crunchy, I hate the texture of soggy cereal-

What would you want your legacy to be?

? ??? ??

Do you like reading? What was the last thing you read?

I do really like reading, but I never have the patience for it to do it often- and I last read Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto!!

How do you show someone you love them?

hU GS AND POSITIVE MESSAGES

Do you like ice in your drinks?

YEA I always crunch on the ice once I finish the drink

What are you afraid of?

p eople in general and embarrassing myself publicly

What is your favourite scent?

Already answered! 

Do you address older people by their first or last name?

First name, unless it’s a teacher (primarily out of habit lol)

If money was not a factor, how would you live your life?

b inch i would be moving to different countries every y ear

Do you prefer swimming in pools or in the ocean?

Ocean tbh? It feels a lot more open n free. unless something fucking touches your leg while you’re underwater-

What would you do if you found $50 on the ground?

mine now-

Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish?

I’ve seen a ton tbh!! I used to make wishes all the time on em when I was a kid.

What is one thing you would want to teach your children?

I would teach em that it’s okay to express emotions even if people are assholes abt it tbh

If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it?

i uhhhh. would probably get a buttercup tattoo on my wrist maybe or somethin

What can you hear right now?

The hum of my computer’s fan, the wind outside, the TV, and my cat occasionally meowing.

Where do you feel the safest?

in forests-

What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer?

my shitty mo m-

If you could travel back to any era, which would you choose?

I would n ot tbh. not gonna mess with time im content with where everything is thank you very much lol-

What is your most used emoji?

🅱. self-explanatory lmao

What is your favourite season? Why?

Autumn and winter!! The colours are really pretty and I can’t stand hot weather so

How would you spend your ideal day?

buying a fuckton of shit ive wanted and also leaving home-

Describe yourself using one word.

gay

What do you regret the most?

probably lots of things that’re in my repressed memories now lol-

Invent your own word. What does it mean?

“Misprae”, to miss someone from a past life.

[clowngore]

thank you for tagging me ?? @fucktional-slytherpuff idk you but wow great Rules: Answer all questions and tag 20 people. 1. What is your nickname? nizh probably 2. What is your zodiac sign? sagittarius 3. What is your favorite book series? i can't read 4. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? hell ya 5. Who is your favorite author? i can't read 6. What is your current favorite song? tbh the first youtube result for kashmir metal cover because kashmir is the song gwendoline thinks of when she's in character as phasma so it's like, her theme song, but the metal cover fits her more y'know 7. What is your favorite word? fuck 8. What was the last song you listened to? haunted mansion theme song 9. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? game of thrones bc i'm stereotypical 10. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? idfk but airplane and tombstone are always things i'll watch 11. Do you play video games? (sims music playing) (minecraft grass blocks breaking) (star wars lego theme song) yeah i'm a gamer B) 12. What is your biggest fear? being average 13. What is your best quality, in your opinion? every single thing i love myself 14. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? my ability to get overwhelmed after being alive for .5 seconds 15. What is your favorite season? autumn? or winter but i just really love halloween 16. Are you in a relationship? nah 17. What is something you miss from your childhood? cali-fucking-fornia 18. Who is your best friend? yumi n izzy n felix are the best friend trio 19. What is your eye color? l ight br o wn ?? ? 20. What is your hair color? rn it's purple but naturally it's dark brown almost black 21. Who is someone you love? the goddess of the universe who saved all of our souls simply by existing, gwendoline christie, 22. Who is someone you trust? the friend trio 23. Who is someone you think about often? ....................gwen 24. Are you currently excited about/for something? death 25. What is your biggest obsession? star wars or game of thrones idk 26. What was your favorite TV show as a child? spongebob hell yea 27. Do you have any unusual phobias? cherophobia 28. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? both 29. What is your favorite hobby? crying 30. What was the last book you read? i can't read 31. What was the last movie you watched? my cousin vinny i think 32. What musical instruments do you play, if any? sort of guitar but i'm shit 33. What is your favorite animal? bears bears bears bears bears 34. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? literally blog that consistently posts abt gwendoline 35. What superpower do you wish you had? shapeshifting 36. When and where do you feel most at peace? in my room, at night, aaaaaaaa and also the haunted mansion and pirates of the caribbean (the disneyland rides) lmao my childhood 37. What makes you smile? gwendoline. captain phasma. brienne of tarth. people complimenting me. cool clothing. me, when i look good. 38. What sports do you play, if any? is suffering a sport 39. What is your favorite drink? i fucking love matcha frappuccino with two shots of espresso 40. Are you afraid of heights? more like "don't push (person) off don't push them off don't push don't push them do not push them off don't do it i swear to god if you push them, which you will not, i will kill you do not push them" 41. What is your biggest pet peeve? gender roles and biases 42. Have you ever been to a concert? (laughs for an uncomfortably long time) (wipes tear) yeah 43. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? an actor or a singer or a president and damn nizh 2/3 44. What fictional world would you like to live in? star wars fuckin duh 45. What is something you worry about? currently school and This Person 46. Are you scared of the dark? nah 47. Do you like to sing? FUCK YEah 48. Have you ever skipped school? refer to 42 49. What is your favorite place on the planet? my room or disneyland 50. Where would you like to live? kerry co ireland or outside of sapporo japan 51. Do you have any pets? ya i got a cat n a dog 52. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? night owl 53. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? i like when the sun is on the opposite side of the world 54. Do you know how to drive? ): 55. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? headphones kill me 56. Have you ever had braces? yeah it's hell 57. What is your favorite genre of music? is rock too vague 58. Who is your hero? i can't answer these questions with anything other than gwendoline dhjsfjkdjs 59. Do you read comic books? i wish i would get around to it 60. What makes you the most angry? refer to 41 61. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? i like real books but i'm so lazy that i'm more likely to read digital 62. What is your favorite subject in school? leaving 63. Do you have any siblings? unfortunately i have two 64. What was the last thing you bought? that implies that i have money to spend (probably clothes) 65. How tall are you? 5'0 or 5'1 idk 66. Can you cook? can i use my brain ever 67. What are three things that you love? gwendoline, my ego, sleeping 68. What are three things that you hate? refer to 42, homophobes/transphobes, overwhelming things 69. What is your sexual orientation? bi???? idk but i love girls and in between and boys are kinda iffy i'm not sure if i like them i don't think so but it's Confusing 70. Where do you currently live? unfortunately the united states of prejudice 71. Who was the last person you texted? yumi 72. When was the last time you cried? idk last night prolly 73. Who is your favorite YouTuber? no one ? 74. Do you like to take selfies? ya way too much but it's justified bc i'm great 75. What is your favorite app? tumblr idk 76. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? it's fine 77. What is your favorite foreign accent? gwen's 78. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? idfk i'm too tired for this 79. What is your favorite number? 13 because i like to be edgy 80. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting? space, the ocean is confining 81. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? idk i do what i want to 82. Are you allergic to anything? chocolate. dairy. idk 83. Can you wiggle your ears? i don't think so? 84. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? i'm never wrong 85. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? hhhhhhhhhhhhh idk??????? 86. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? nobody has given me advice but, everything gwen says is rly good and basically what i can say is: do things that you want if they, logically, make sense and are reasonable and don't hurt anyone. rules that are based on nothing and are just rules to be rules don't need to be followed. judge whether people need to be respected, only respect authority that deserves respect. society is wrong most of the time. if people don't like you it's not your problem and they can cry about it, you're still great and just because some ugly loser is wrong about you doesn't mean that you're automatically worse. 87. Are you a good liar? i'm an actor so 88. What is your Hogwarts House? idk 89. Do you talk to yourself? mhm 90. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? introvert 91. Do you keep a journal/diary? i don't even keep my thoughts consistently 92. Do you believe in second chances? depends 93. Do you believe that people are capable of change? yeah but i don't wanna be the one to do it 94. Are you ticklish? literally nowhere 95. Have you ever been on a plane? ya a shitload 96. Do you have any piercings? my ears twice but i want more 97. What fictional character do you wish was real? literally take a fuckin guess (phasma) 98. Do you have any tattoos? god i wish 99. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? refer to 86. the decision to not care and to judge things for myself def makes me feel better about myself and the world because the pressures of society need to fuck off 100. Do you believe in karma? sorta 101. Do you wear glasses or contacts? no 102. Do you want children? adopt older (10+) children when i'm older 103. Who is the smartest person you know? lmao me (idk) 104. What is your most embarrassing memory? when i was in kindergarten this girl said her favorite color was either pink or purple and i really aggressively raised my hand pointing 1 finger and said "black!!" and everyone stared at me and my life has never been that bad 105. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? way too many times 106. What color are most of you clothes? black 107. Do you like adventures? idk i don't do shit 108. Have you ever been on TV? god i wish 109. How old are you? no 110. What is your favorite quote? "i became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity" and it's not because of the emo reason you think it actually makes sense if i explain it 111. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? idk 112. Have your friends ever badly disapponted you? side-eyes That Person 113. What is your favorite scent? cold 114. Random fact you know? every penny made before 1982 is actually almost fully copper, and if melted down is worth 2 cents 115. What is your opinion on long distance relationships? hard. just, really hard. not sure if it's worth it 
Tagging: @yumikoflare @one-bad-apple @boxer-pup @erosiian @lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell and if anyone else wants to do them you should message me so i know to tag you in the future LOL

[yumikoflare]

wowie this is a loooong meme - thanks for the tag @wildricebear more like wild loser bear...........

Rules: Answer all questions and tag 20 people. (putting it under the cut bc it’s 100+ questions!)

1. What is your nickname? i go by yumi! my rl nickname has the same amount of letters 🤔

2. What is your zodiac sign? aqua sun / scorp moon

3. What is your favorite book series? not gonna lie i havent read any book series in a looong time but my fav manga series is fukigen na mononokean!

4. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? ofc, i believe in both!

5. Who is your favorite author? errr i honestly don’t have one ahaha but sunrisesongs has some reaaaally nice poetry if that counts

6. What is your current favorite song? rn i’m a huuuge fan of kenshi yonezu’s suna no wakusei, namely the soramafu cover!

7. What is your favorite word? uhh don’t have one.. but the word ‘warmth’ has always struck a chord in me?

8. What was the last song you listened to? i think it was ra ra rasputin b/c someone at band was playing it on his phone LOL

9. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? i don’t watch tv oops  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ can’t think of anime recs either smhhh

10. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? i don’t watch movies if i’m feeling down but i remember enjoying the intern?

11. Do you play video games? mmm a little bit.. i play overwatch and sometimes osu and ive played a couple of mmorpgs here and there 

12. What is your biggest fear? losing my purpose and passion

13. What is your best quality, in your opinion? i’m a good friend! i think that counts

14. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? my lack of patience and intolerance to trials

15. What is your favorite season? winter!!!!!!

16. Are you in a relationship? nah

17. What is something you miss from your childhood? honestly? i don’t miss much in particular from my childhood other than that Sweet Naive Bliss™ because things have been getting better in my life since then so

18. Who is your best friend? nizh, swirl, mari, gil, noah, sam, laura, kayla come to mind

19. What is your eye color? dark brown

20. What is your hair color? dark brown

21. Who is someone you love? all my friends...........

22. Who is someone you trust? the friends i listed earlier!!!

23. Who is someone you think about often? honestly as of recently myself bc im working on bettering myself LOL but other than that, i think of noah kinda often?

24. Are you currently excited about/for something? uuuuhhhh not particularly

25. What is your biggest obsession? currently overwatch

26. What was your favorite TV show as a child? probably spongebob aldsakdsla

27. Do you have any unusual phobias? mmmmmm not sure but my anxiety makes a lot of small things scary so

28. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? both!!!!

29. What is your favorite hobby? honestly not sure... i like writing but recently i’ve been very into photo and video editing so!!!

30. What was the last book you read? probably the hiding place

31. What was the last movie you watched? goosebumps i think? watched it at home w/ my mom bc she hadnt seen it before

32. What musical instruments do you play, if any? [[[the sound of me, panicked, aggressively slamming my mallets into a timpani can be heard in the distance]]]

33. What is your favorite animal? dogs.... i love dogs

34. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? hm i rly like yamiiino, kaiami, tofuvi, star-plasma, and zandraart!

35. What superpower do you wish you had? healing factor!!!

36. When and where do you feel most at peace? idk, whenever really, surrounded in my closest friends; either that or doing something i love alone

37. What makes you smile? my friends...... also getting praised......

38. What sports do you play, if any? FUNNY JOKE i cant sports

39. What is your favorite drink? hell....... i love lots of different types of teas (black, green, jasmine, honey, etc) and im also a sucker for matcha... and i also like ice blended drinks... and (virgin bc im underage) mojitos.... and smoothies.......... fdgkjkdf i love drinks a lot ok

40. Are you afraid of heights? yes 10000%

41. What is your biggest pet peeve? close-mindedness and intolerance to other ppl/ideas/etc + having to waste resources

42. Have you ever been to a concert? only one! was a mayday parade concert earlier this year

43. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? like everything LOL a singer and an author were prob my biggest ones tho

44. What fictional world would you like to live in? HONESTLY the fukigen na mononokean world would be cool to live in... 

45. What is something you worry about? i simultaneously really like and dread band asdlsakdas

46. Are you scared of the dark? yup orz

47. Do you like to sing? heck yea!!!! singing is so good.....

48. Have you ever skipped school? no bc im a goody two-shoes™ 

49. What is your favorite place on the planet? i dunno! i don’t have one! the world’s so big there’s so many places i still have yet to go!!!

50. Where would you like to live? honestly idk i’m happy with where i am now LOL

51. Do you have any pets? i wish......... i want a doggo so bad but my sister and i are allergic

52. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? i don’t feel like either but i’m closer to a night owl

53. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? both..... the sky is a goddess and im in love with her.....

54. Do you know how to drive? i’m an anxious minor who is too afraid to get near the wheel LOL

55. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? headphones bc earbuds always fall outta my ears and its a Pain

56. Have you ever had braces? nope B)

57. What is your favorite genre of music? ummmmm i don’t have a fav bc i’m kinda flexible but i like alt rock? and j-rock/j-pop?

58. Who is your hero? to be completely honest idk if i have one LOL im my own hero™ B))))

59. Do you read comic books? nah

60. What makes you the most angry? probably the same as #41 as well as like myself?? bc i get frustrated with myself v often and that concept makes me angry asdsa;ldas

61. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? nizh wrote “i like real books but i’m so lazy that i’m more likely to read digital” and i am in agreement

62. What is your favorite subject in school? errrrrrrrr i suppose la? but i’m abt to enter some new classes and learn under totally new teachers so idk it’s bound to change!

63. Do you have any siblings? ye, one older sister

64. What was the last thing you bought? a flowy cardigan from yesterday!!!! im lov it.... i might post a pic of it

65. How tall are you? 5′1′’ and 3/8 sdfkjsdijeiwjeje

66. Can you cook? yo i wish..................

67. What are three things that you love? my friends, music, food/drinks LOL

68. What are three things that you hate? same as #41 and a third thing would prob be conflict?? idk

69. What is your sexual orientation? as far as i know i experience no sexual attraction (asexual) and i experience romantic attraction to anyone and everyone (panromantic) so!

70. Where do you currently live? socal

71. Who was the last person you texted? probably nizh

72. When was the last time you cried? mmmm maybe a week or two ago... i cant recall exactly when so thats good

73. Who is your favorite YouTuber? oooohhh.. im super mainstream but i love arikadou LOL also zylbrad, seagull, and etika

74. Do you like to take selfies? i do! i usually only take selfies like every once in awhile when im feeling cute and when i do i take A Lot

75. What is your favorite app? i lov line camera?? also google photos makes things mucho convenient

76. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? tbh i find my relationship with my parents to be closer than a lot of my friends’ so :0

77. What is your favorite foreign accent? i dunno! french accents are pretty cool

78. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? japan! also the philippines

79. What is your favorite number? idk but i like 5 and 8

80. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting? both freak me out but the ocean is pretty interesting

81. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? not in the slightest LOLOL

82. Are you allergic to anything? intolerant to eggs, pretty allergic to any type of nuts so that sucks, n i got those Seasonal Allergies

83. Can you wiggle your ears? NO I HAVENT READ HARRY POTTER

84. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? umm idk how often LOL whenever i think im wrong..?? which is somewhat frequently?

85. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? forests are lovely

86. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? honestly idk......... i remember my dad said smth about how you don’t always have to forgive everyone and by saying ‘it’s okay’ permits the other person to repeat the same action, so i choose my words rly carefully now bc of that :o

87. Are you a good liar? kinda half n half... depends on what i’m lying abt

88. What is your Hogwarts House? iiiiii forgot but it was either ravenclaw or hufflepuff... mightve been the former

89. Do you talk to yourself? YEAH especially when i’m practicing music or video editing

90. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? introvert

91. Do you keep a journal/diary? as of very recently yes bc my therapist recommended me to do so :0

92. Do you believe in second chances? usually in most circumstances

93. Do you believe that people are capable of change? oh yeah definitely, anyone is capable of change, it just depends on their attitude towards it

94. Are you ticklish? yes i hate it

95. Have you ever been on a plane? yep, to san francisco and sacramento and i guess once to texas but that was before i could remember so

96. Do you have any piercings? nope and i don’t rly want any tbh

97. What fictional character do you wish was real? i have nooo idea there’s a lot of thought i’d have to put into this question LOL

98. Do you have any tattoos? nah but if i did they’d be veeeery simplistic

99. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? probably when i decided 1-2 years ago that i wanted to get my life back on track so i could become a person i could love and ive been making progress little by little ever since then

100. Do you believe in karma? mmmmm not reaaallyyyy..... like maybe a little bit but

101. Do you wear glasses or contacts? its ya girl almost legally blind and wearing contacts

102. Do you want children? not sure yet but probably

103. Who is the smartest person you know? no clue omg there are lots of smart ppl in this world

104. What is your most embarrassing memory? sometime in grade school i was sitting at the edge of a playground slide pleading for my friend not to push me down bc i rly had to pee but she did and i literally just pissed all over the slide and we just stared at each other for a long time and that was just........ Very Bad - I HAVE ANOTHER BAD MEMORY THOUGH it wasnt even long ago kill me??? i was at my friend’s house for dinner and her parents asked what my sister was studying and my sister just recently got into college and i had a veeeeeeeery vague grasp on what she was studying so i literally said ‘food and tectonics’ and i wanNA MCDIE BC I MEANT DIETETICS NOT T E C T O N I C S

105. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? mmm not a real one.. most ive done is stayed up til 6amish with nizh before goin to sleep  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ like i’m definitely capable of doing it i just don’t want to

106. What color are most of your clothes? dunno? i have a fairly colorful wardrobe but i almost always wear something w/ black if i’m not going for an all light outfit

107. Do you like adventures? depends on where to bc im very cautious LOL

108. Have you ever been on TV? nope

109. How old are you? how old is ur moM!! dab dab haha xd

110. What is your favorite quote? one of my favs is “there are no happy endings, endings are the saddest part, so just give me a happy middle and a very happy start” by shel silverstein; i have a few others but thats the first that comes to mind

111. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? savory tbhhhh

112. Have your friends ever badly disapponted you? umm not badly but ive been mildly disappointed by a few LOL

113. What is your favorite scent? that clean/fresh linen smell?? and also lavender and then light stuff like eucalyptus mint

114. Random fact you know? the duck-billed platypus can’t keep its eyes open underwater, so it finds its prey by using sensors in its bill that detect electrical impulses n then they strike! theyre pretty cool animals..

115. What is your opinion on long distance relationships? nizh said “hard. just, really hard. not sure if it’s worth it” and i also agree

IT IS OVER wow ok 20 ppl is kind of a lot and this is a loooot of questions so im only gonna tag a tiny bit of ppl (dont have to do it if u dont wanna!): @dunmerhealer | @aftertaste-of-memes | @inspiringnokias yeah that’s it LOL this is just Hella Long so idk how many ppl would be up for doin this so ye  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

[falcoknight]

if you're still doing the thing: shokugeki! and haikyuu too if you feel like~

thanks clemmie !!! (can i call u that omg)

shokugeki:

How I entered/learned about the said game/show/movie/etc of that fandom

i think it was just a seasonal thing that i decided to start watching? i almost dropped it first episode but i kept going for some reason and was super hooked after like 3.. and then after episode (14 i think?) i got impatient and read the whole manga and .. now here we are

Fave character

my favorites are souma nikumi megumi takumi ibusaki hisako ryou.. etc!! i lvoe all of them tbh so much

Least fave character

i mean idk who besides the obvious (((antagonist whose name might be a spoiler?)))

OTP(s)

i dont rly have any? OH but i like erina & hisako lol

Pairing that everyone likes but I don’t get

i dont rly want souma to get together with anyone tbh? the only reason i tolerate the ridiculous number of girls who have feelings for him is because he is Completely Oblivious Constantly and its great. never change..........

Fave thing about the fandom

im not super involved in the fandom idk if theres even a significant one rip ;-; but i rly love this series..

The most despised thing

i mean .. im sure theres some gross people considering the nature of it 

If there is something I would change from said game/show/movie/etc., what would it be.

ive said before but the fanservice at first was really bad and sometimes its still bad lol.. i understand this is part of the premise but i wish the first episode/chapter wasnt so awful fanservice wise? bc it really never gets worse than that and i feel like it deters a lot of people from getting into it.. i dont mind it as much as at first because its mostly just kind of ridiculous and funny esp since nobody is spared from it including old dudes but i mean. if u could just tone it down a bit thanks

haikyuu!!:

How I entered/learned about the said game/show/movie/etc of that fandom

i literally cannot remember why i started but i remember as soon as i did i was super into it and watched the whole thing in one night (this was around when s1 was almost done airing maybe 20 episodes?) and it was how i started getting into other anime lsdkfj. haikyuu was where it all began fuck im sure i journaled about it at the time but my old diaries are at home

Fave character

my favs are hinata yachi all the captains and Everyone

Least fave character

i dont really have one i think?? i have to catch up

OTP(s)

kiyoyachi is the only one i still feel strongly about!! but i still like kenhina and every captain ship imaginable. my old favorite ship is kurodai which i also still like.

Pairing that everyone likes but I don’t get

((((((sorry i dont rly like romo kageh/ina?? although i dont feel as strongly abt it as i used to. and also i dont like kur/oken and i dont rly like oik/age)))))

Fave thing about the fandom

haikyuu was literally the first animanga fandom i was ever in and almost the first fandom i was ever in? (before that was p much only long period of pokemon and then briefly homestuck) so like its still special & nostalgic to me even if im behind and dont feel as much about it as i used to? like 2 years ago i made so many friends from hq fandom and most people have diff interests now but its still idk rly nice. im glad that hq made me want to get more into anime. also me and hanna started like talking a lto because of haikyuu which i am Grateful for. i have lots of nice memories bc i was almost exclusively haikyuu fandom for a while which is pretty much the only time i was ever a single fandom blog (since after haikyuu i started watching and liking more and more stuff) and it was a cool and special time. i mean ofc this is totally subjective and its just how hq fandom helped me through the end of high school but.. yea.. (((wrote a lot oops)))

The most despised thing

i mean same as always, big fandoms have problems

If there is something I would change from said game/show/movie/etc., what would it be.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i sort of wish we got to see more of the managers in action? but i know the story isnt really About Them so .. 

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

hi im sorry to bug you but i need advice. and also tw for possible emotional abuse!!!!

i have a friend who is very mentally ill. i am also very mentally ill. he is a trans gay boy and i am a cis girl who is pansexual.

this friend went through a period of about 3 months where he cut me out of his life and ignored me for seemingly no reason, leaving me friendless and confused and abandoned. i would try to talk to him but he would ignore me or be extremely snippy, giving me short answers and refusing to even acknowledge me. i tried so hard to talk to him at first but he ignored me in favor of new friends and new people and i was so sad and so jealous. i talked to him about it about a week ago and he apologized and said he’s sorry and that he’s “a horrible friend” and that he “was just doing it so he wouldn’t lash out at me”, which i get but even after that conversation, he still ignores me and makes me feel awful.

he also lies to me and makes me feel anxious all the time. for example, i have a crush on this boy from my work and I’ll talk about him sometimes. but whenever I would talk about him, he would go on social media and post like “lol time for another breakdown”. and i confronted him about it and asked like “hey, does it bother you that i talk about this boy?” And he was like “why would it bother me?” And I was like “i don’t know, just please tell me if it does.”. And he just goes “that would be irrational”. So I asked further and he just said “it doesn’t bother me. But if it did, it would be unfair of me to tell you that.” and i was like “no, that’s not how relationships work. you need to tell me these things.” And he went into a breakdown and said “I don’t ever do enough for anyone it’s never enough. I need to make relationships balanced. Nothing I ever do is enough”. and like!!! it really wouldn’t bother me if he didn’t want me to talk about the boy I like! it just bothers me that I’m being lied to.

i think he doesn’t want me to talk about the boy because he’s very paranoid that nobody will want to b in a relationship with him.

he also gets mad when I ask if he’s okay. I’ll be like “hey how are you” and he’ll reply “fine.” And I know that’s a sign that he’s not okay So I say “are you sure?”. and he goes. “Yeah. If I say I’m fine, I’m fine”.

and like I’ll talk to him as much as I can and I would go out of my way to make sure he’s good and comfortable and happy and I would buy him so much stuff and stay up for nights and nights in a row to help him when he breaks down but then he’ll post stuff like “nobody ever try’s to help me. I’m all alone and nobody listens to me. They just overshadow me.” And it just hurts I guess.

he makes posts on his finsta about how he doesn’t want to be people’s therapists and how everyone just uses him and he spends all his time helping other people. and it makes me feel shitty about going to him for help. But then i feel bad and i feel guilty for feeling bad!! and he’ll also make posts that say, “i need to shut up and help everyone else. I need to help other people with their problems. I need to not feel guilty.” And that makes me feel like he’s only nice to me because he feels GUILTY!!! which I hate so much. but then I’m stuck because i try to help him but he shuts me down!!

and also whenever I talk to him about my problems, he’ll make a finsta post abt how “lol I’m breaking down again” and “I’m a bad friend”. he blames himself for his friends because depressed and it makes me feel like I can’t talk to him about my own issues.

im scared to see him at school because i hate feeling like he’s going to get upset with me or have a breakdown or something. or he’s going to ignore me and make me feel disgusting. once i flinched around him and he got really upset and was like “god, I’m awful. I don’t want to scare you I’m such a bad friend”.

he’s been emotionally abused in the past so I don’t want to believe he’s emotionally abusing me. Also he is very kind to me sometimes and he does tell me that I can always talk to him if I need something, but I just feel scared of pushing him into a breakdown.

I’m sorry this is so long. I just feel so alone. i feel so sick and i get anxious like I can’t breathe around him. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel constantly guilt tripped and hurt and scared

ahhhh this sounds like such a negative and unhealthy friendship ): this post and this website talk about emotional abuse and ways to identify it, it could be helpful to read.

whether it’s emotional abuse or not though, it’s still a really toxic friendship? like there’s so many aspects that are red flags and warning signs that this isn’t a person to have in your life. I mean I think one of more unhealthy behaviours is documenting every. single. thought. and. feeling that he has online, knowing that you’re going to see it? like that’s not cool!! \: I’m all for using diaries and journals and online spaces to vent and to get things off your chest, I mean I use my own tumblr blog for that all the time haha. but it just comes off as very passive-aggressive when he writes down all his negative feelings that concern (or are connected to) you, knowing that you’re going to see it and read it. like if you have a problem with someone then just talk to them?? or if you don’t want to talk to them and still want to get it off your chest, then find some place to write it all down where that person isn’t going to read it. 

it’s terrible that he has mental health troubles and is plainly in a dark place, mentally? but his mental health problems are only an explanation of his actions, not a justification or an excuse. you need to look after yourself too! ): and if you find yourself feeling spending more of the time upset and negative, rather than happy? then it’s probably a sign that it’s best for the friendship to send. 

from all that you’ve said, it sounds like you’ve trying to do everything right by him? it’s unfortunate that the depression he’s experiencing isn’t letting him see that, it sounds like he’s got a lot to work through with someone trained in mental health. 

where to go from here? I’d encourage him to seek help from a qualified therapist if it’s all possible, but in the mean time I’d distance yourself from him. given his anxiety and depression, I think it would be best to talk to him and tell him that you need some space? let him know that you need to deal with your own mental health issues, and that his way of behaving around you at times makes you feel sad and guilty. that way? 1) you’re directly giving him a reason, rather than leaving him feeling confused and with questions, 2) you’re gently stating that while you have issues to work through, his way of acting towards you wasn’t fair or healthy, like he needs to know and acknowledge that. 

I’m not entirely sure whether this is emotional abuse, because he sounds like he tries to be nice or wants to help you out when he can? it sounds like he’s got good intentions but just doesn’t know how to follow through on that, it doesn’t sound like he’s deliberately trying to be manipulative, controlling or setting out with an intention to be hurtful. however!!!! this is still a really unhealthy friendship and it’s clear that it’s affecting you a lot, so I do feel it’s best to give yourself some space from him, spend time with others and make your own mental health a priority. take care friend, safe safe <33

- tash