#im sure ive done this before. i try not to anymore tho

[hanasnx]

the brainrot for bruce wayne x 19yo reader is fucking feral rn.

idk why but the potential for angst in this is like calling to me but basically after everything is said and done and she’s stopped trying to get with bruce and she knows why he did it all, there’s a difference in the way she acts, not even that noticable but to everyone, like everyone, its something so huge.

maybe her smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes when she’s flouncing around with guys anymore, maybe she’s just a touch more closed off, maybe she’s not as flirty and touch like she was before.

one thing is for sure tho, bruce wayne is the one at fault for this change. He doesn’t care tho, bruce didn’t care about how this constant hot and cold would affect her. She’s an adult, she can make her own choices, but the rest of the world is constantly reminding him that she was still in high school not even a year ago, but he doesn’t care. As long as they’re focusing on Bruce Wayne and not Batman.

i rly liked this message bcos i feel like the significance of nineteen year old reader often gets misinterpreted but this was a rly nice example of her

you basically laid out a similar plan that i had for her after her and bruce end it and she matures a bit. not saying she wasnt an adult, but i know what i was like at nineteen and ive matured and changed a whole bunch. i struggle to relate to people even two years younger than me. cant imagine how bruce was feeling with someone young enough to be his daughter so to speak

the experience does change her, alter her self esteem. not in a particularly bad way, just impactful. being young and famous, shes only been taught her youth and beauty is an asset irresistible to men, and for bruce to show her that hes capable of refusing it is very puzzling. so yea she does retreat into herself a bit, she knows she cant get just "any man" and its not a process that humbled her because she needed humbling, no no. she just learns lessons she wouldnt have learned without bruce. its hard and complicated to explain, but it is based on an experience ive had i think. loosely

bruce ofc doesnt visibly care that he changed a girl's life, or care that people remind him every so often. but he knew what he was doing using her, and in a way hes glad it was him and not someone else that wouldve used her for something else.

i dont feel like im explaining this all right, because i put a lot of personal emotion into this "au" so im all over the place, but i rly liked your message

[mihai-florescu]

Putting a message i sent earlier under a read more, it has some thoughts ive expressed before tho. ES, of course

My thoughts as an EichiP... i view ! and !! as different stories in the way they're approached tbh, what i fell in love with enstars for was the character driven storytelling of one event seen through different perspectives, where you see the antagonist in one perspective become a protagonist in another story and can empathize with the entire cast like this. I fell in love with eichi's story of second chances, getting what you want and regretting your actions in the process, redemption, desperation, overcoming fate and asserting one's self into the story, saving a school in a dying industry that saved your life by giving you a dream; i consider it an arc fulfilling to the reader at the end of ! era. But we still had to continue... and it's not like we didnt get inklings of eichi's dreams of idol utopia, the idol soldier idea goes back to main story 1, but !! loses the charm of the original series through expanding the worldbuilding so much and shifting to a plot driven story that opens 10 cans of worms instead of offering resolutions. There's not really room to breathe if the stakes just keep getting higher and higher...

As for the colonisation plotline, it's been here since the beginning of ES2. The SS arc makes it obvious, but i remember even before, the talks about ES taking over from local businesses, trying to be seen as the standard, it was always the direction ensemble square as an institution would take. But the "antagonist in one story, protagonist in another" approach doesnt work anymore with such subjects. The guys responsible for this are your coworkers you share dorms with. I read the stories but cant empathize anymore, so i've been feeling disconnected from eichi for a while. I see enstars with eichi at its core but i didnt care for his center event, i read it, didnt like the ending, and overall felt off. Eichi becoming the villain of ! to attone for the war kind of loses significance if a year later he is a cartoon villain idol colonialist you can't even sympathize with anymore because of the magnitude of events. However i do think !! has done good things for some characters pushing them further or developing them in a way ! didnt. But for others...

I also have my issues with sci fi elements becoming the norm, even taken metaphorically or as hyperboles, when one of the central themes i love about enstars is humanity. Then again, i am a war era fan that relied on manipulating human desires and perceptions, and the fact that there were no monsters or gods, just humans framed as such, playing on people's fears and beliefs, it's a bit jarring to me to have them introduce AIs forming from escaped comatose brains (im minimizing the switch climax rn, i didnt even hate it as a whole, just this resolution im unhappy with)

It also feels like we've lost some of the meta aspects of the writing i liked, a certain awareness of being characters in a story and there being an audience. But im still struggling to word my thoughts on this matter. I felt it present in main story 2, even if it annoyed me at parts in its obviousness ("good thing we're not protagonists, no one would want to read about us" youre right aira you are not interesting to me. And yet i'll read your story to try and empathize nevertheless. I have other thoughts on aira too, perhaps for another time). I wish we explored a bit more what it means to no longer be the central protagonist, from trickstar's perspective...and brought back the successors topic. But i havent read every ts story yet so i'd be foolish to complain before really making sure i've checked everything. To me ! ended satisfyingly with room left for elaborations and imagination, but i dont feel like !!'s ending is really ending anything at all. Not necessarily bad since it's not like the game is shutting down, but overwhelming worldbuilding wise while underwhelming character wise...

Let's see... im not sure how to end this. Just a bit of a stream of consciousness as a ! fan who still loves enstars despite my critiques. Mainly, well, no one's gonna take away the stories that already exist that i do love and impacted my life greatly. And i do think !! had some really good things too it brought, or at least stories i hold dear too. Change is scary and i don't think it's always for the best, but it's also fun to see where it goes next...

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

Quitting Weed Day 9 Status Report 📝

to start off , i'll say, i do indeed feel like Ass ! this post might get a tad emo. regretting my life choices to smoke for as long as i have 😕 But then again, maybe that's harsh, cus i was just doing the best i could with the circumstances i been dealt in the past.

i couldnt just quit cold turkey cus every time i try that its way too intense and i alwaus end up going back. So the past 9 days i've been hitting my (extremely weak) weed cart a couple times a night, only after 9pm, just to help me sleep. Before that i was smoking probly like. 5-8 bowls a day, followed by hitting the weed pen RELENTLESSLY all night until i passed out. So its still been a huge change lol. From tonight onwards tho i'm done w the weed pen and ready to try 0 thc 🙏

kind friend @palmceader sent me a CBD tincture made for sleep (thanku again 🥹) which im sure has a TINY percentage of thc, but nothing even close to how much im used to.

i cant even imagine how fried my dopamine receptors are, cus honestly, i feel Fucked. spaced out is an understatement. i cant focus on anything and its kinda driving me insane. it feels impossible to read or draw or do any of my hobbies.. my body feels heavy and depressed. No motivation. its kinda the opposite of what i was expecting. i can barely keep my eyes open during the day..

on a brighter note i havent been struggling too much with sleep or appetite. i think sleepy time tea + the tincture + magnesium is rly helping. my dreams recall is already improving so much, and the times i have nightmares arent as bad as its been previous times i tried to quit. i havent rly struggled with cravings at all either, which used to be a huge obstacle for me ! im just so over it now. i was starting to get chest pains and coughing a lot, which was taking any joy out of the act of smoking for me.

morbid to say but I often think of my father and how his rampant addictions directly lead him to such a painful and horrific early death. its a rare perspective of imagery so disturbing , i know i can't go on in such a manner. Like, what a fucking fool i would be! For others i can understand it but for me, no. it has haunted me for a long time to know i'm letting myself go down that path, even with all my insistent self-justification that his death is what brought me to this in the first place. deep down ive been knowing i need to break the cycle like i have the choice and the power, im still alive im still here ..

Sorry if thats depressing to bring up! i do feel depressed tho. i cant use weed to hide from my pain anymore.. i have to rewire my whole ass method of coping with stress at age 30. i know i can do it but its gonnnna be a long winded process full of ups n downs. Running away is no longer an option and thats a lot to face! a lot of old wounds i never rly dealt with, cus i kept my head in the 💨clouds💨 for so long.

i promise not to give up this time tho no matter how hard it gets 🙏 i want to set a good example too like indunno a lot of younger ppl follow me now i dont wanna feed into narratives that may influence them in bad directions. i have a responsible heart. i rly dont think weed is cool i havent since i was like 16. i was just dependent on it so i tried to romanticisze its role in my life. its silly.

im kinda laughing now cus im like god, i initially felt like the reason im quitting is so i can be more active in my dream world, but the more i think about it the more i notice MANY many more reasons to quit that go way deeper.

All in all the reason im talking about it is to maybe inspire other ppl who have been on the verge of quitting but too afraid to rly take the plunge-- Ur not alone, ur not weak for being addicted, if u need to reach out to me u are more than welcome.

Ppl rly downplay weed addiction cus the withdrawals arent life threatening like other substances, but that doesnt mean its a walk in the park. Most ppl i know who are stoners have never been able to quit for similar reasons as me. It takes a major psychological hold over u. if u ever need to vent about it or need advice, im here!

if u read all of this, pls dont worry abt me xD Even if it feels miserable rn i have faith things will improve, the heaviness and brainfog will lift, the emotions will be purged, i am excited for my future. One day at a time....Dont giving up 🙏

Signed, PMD9

[supermaks]

is this from the new helmut article? which, the point about Liam’s manager trying to start shit was so funny helmut if you’re in line to be messy stay in line!!! helmut has always liked yuki even when yuki was in his hot mess era i genuinely think Red Bull don’t see a long term future with him because before anything else, yuki is Honda’s guy and Honda left them and then came back and joined a different team. they all clearly expect him to break his long term contract to do to aston Martin and bonds/yuki haven’t done anything to disprove it like he like no, I’m committed to Red Bull etc etc so everyone seems to be under no illusions.

Omfg I had no idea Helmut had dropped another Lawson diss track I had to run to twt. Those driver swap rumors sounded silly from the start I don't think Danny ric is anywhere close to being dropped, nor should he be. I have also kind of made my peace wid Yuki's future even tho what u mentioned isn't exactly true Yuki has said fairly recently he wants to be considered for the 2025 seat. I think I agree wid u, Helmut had a plan for him but Im not sure Helmut is in control of much of anything anymore except literal 26 year old Max Verstappen 😐 Honda is a much more stable motivator. I'm not trying to dismiss Danny rics sprint either, like I dont need to, I don't want to, I have no interest in doing so, but I knew even on Saturday Yuki wud show up, because Ive been thru this wid Yuki and he's a good driver. He's not just short, he's not just cute or funny or whtvr he's extremely competent and hes reaching a second seat curse has hit the red bull towers level of serious

[skitskatdacat63]

Tysm for the tags @monacobasedgirldad @schumigrace @fernandoalonzoo sry im a bit late getting to this lol

Are you named after anyone?

My great great grandmother(I think??), though she was named Katarzyna, and I was born Catherine, but go by Catie obviously(this lowkey annoys my mom lmao, especially bcs if I were to have a nickname, it was supposed to be Cate.)

When was the last time you cried?

Today, over classical music. I think I cry at least once a day 😭 I am very emotional

Do you have kids?

Nope :)

What sports did you play/have you played?

I played soccer when I was a kid. Also does marching band count?

Do you use sarcasm?

All the fucking time, literally constantly. And also we sarcastically bully each other in my family, so I have to pull myself back from accidentally insulting people 😭

What is the first thing you notice about people?

Hmmmm, I feel like ive done this tag game before bcs I remember writing this exact answer. But usually I notice if someone is a good conversationalist or not. Like do they like to lead the convo, do they like to listen to the other people, do they talk too much, too little, are they awkward about it? It's just very interesting to me, bcs I think that kinda thing really does instantly show you if you're going to be compatible with a person(as a friend or more etc.) Cause I talk a lot a lot, and I think it's difficult to get along w people who are untalkative but also people who talk an equal amnt if not more djkfkglg.

What is your eye color?

Just brown!

Scary movies or happy endings?

Scary movies definitely. I mean im not opposed to a happy ending obviously, but that's not really what im always looking for in a movie, I guess? Rn I'm trying to think of my top movies, and man, not a lot of them have happy endings 😭 But I literally just watched two horror movies the past wknd so! Even though they make me paranoid

Any talents?

I think I could go on a rant about anything if you gave me a bit of time. I really think I can just talk endlessly. Is that a skill? Or is it just annoying..? But yeah I'm not sure, but I think I'm pretty good at absorbing information and being able to go on and on about it.

Where were you born?

America rahhh 🦅🦅 I like my state a lot even though I feel like all my peers keep saying "ugh I don't want to be in [insert state] anymore" Smh how dare you

What are your hobbies?

Mostly drawing! I draw both F1 fanart(pretty much all selfmade AUs tho) and ocs. I like writing lore and worldbuilding and meta, but not really writing itself. I like reading fic and watching movies as well. And I think one of the main things I do these days tbh is read about history and keep up with politics. I get more and more involved with it as the days go by, but unlike drawing, I don't really have an outlet for it sigh sigh. So that's why a lot of AUs involve history and random other things, bcs its fun to involve my interests with each other!

Do you have any pets?

Yes I do! Two cats and two dogs. The cats are named Jin and Frank. Jin is basically me in cat form, he's so anxious 😭 and Frank is like my brother, he's such a little bastard who loves to hiss all the time. My dogs are named Maisie and Ruby. Maisie is a menace to society, but she is also the most beautiful dog ever, so I forgive her. Her name makes me laugh bcs she's named after this book character, Maisie Dobbs right? So her name tag says Maisie Doggs

How tall are you?

Around 5'4

Favorite subject at school?

Politics >:) But I'm pretty interested in philosophy as well rn. Unfortunately my love for foreign languages has been slipping in the semester or so, bcs my professors on that side kinda suck. So I've been putting more energy into my other major, and now all I can talk about is history, politics and philosophy, etc etc. It's just a lot of fun and very interesting to me!

Dream job?

Man, sometimes I wish I could just be a student forever, I just want to keep learning all about the world and other things. But I'd like a job that's not too static, something that pushes me out into the world a bit, maybe smth in the government or like a non-profit idk yet!

Ahhhh I'm doing this a bit late so I'm not sure who's done it yet, I feel like mostly everyone has :,) I tag anyone who's interested, like seriously I'd love to see people's answers who I haven't yet!!

[helpallthenamesaretakensblog]

EPISODE 5……..🥺

Right off the bat, i love the idea of percy’s forehead peeking out of the water, like the mysterious mermaid he is

Annabeth was the best part of the episode as always

Thought they were gonna talk more about thalia percy parallels grover just looked a lil tad distressed and that was it but whatever

Percy and his lil ‘hi’s will never stop being funny

the usual “i thought annabeth was gonna punch me but she was actually nice to me guys who would’ve thought someone would be happy to see me” narrative still shining through WITH THE HUG PLS CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW SWEET THE HUG WAS

grover’s so confused like “literally an hour ago you guys hated each other….am i missing out on some plot point”

dude was ‘looking for new tickets in the st. Louis arch as if they were going to be on the floor lying somewhere💀

Percy’s face when he addresses grover after the hug, he’s so proud someone actually hugged him 🥹his face is just like “hey grover look SHE’S HUGGING ME🥺”

Can I just say the writing for percy is perfect

like he’s so 50% there like he’s so good at communicating and asking what’s wrong and trying to understand the other person’s feelings (sally jackson’s son for you) but at the same time he has NEVER had a friend before so he ends up embarrassing himself 😂😭

”im pretty sure that’s what friends do” “….at least i think that’s what they do” pls 😭

grover’s face too help you’re already tired of being third wheel???oh honey this is THE FIRST HALF OF THE FIRST BOOK get comfortable

not their lil heads popping out and going back in. Peak comedy right there

Seriously adam did reallyyyyyy good as ares. Theres no one else i can imagine anymore as ares. The delicateness of his ‘good mood’ as if it is gonna break any second, the rage and fury but at the same time being extremely funny???

the diner looks so cosy it’s so cute

was kinda missing some percy rage in this but it comes out at the last so its fine

The real reason for grover to be so okay staying back is not the strategy of getting answers out of ares but because of how tired he was of taking care of annabeth and percy.

I feel like they should be showing luke more (later on they will, i have faith) im already forgetting about him it wont hit as hard if i dont remember him

Percy “ive not seen many movies since im broke” jackson x annabeth “ive never seen a movie since i live in a magical camp” chase

but the fact that annabeth’s never seen a movie kinda erases the fact that later on in hoo, annabeth talks about watching cheesy old romance movies with her father which kinda contributes to their dynamic but

the fact that percy would probably be the first one to take her to the movies makes me not care

honestly tho IM REALLY REALLY HOPING THAT THEIR FIRST MOVIE WONT BE THE ONE AT THE START OF BOTL I’d rage as much as annabeth when i see percy with rachel (not that im a rachel hater, im a circumstances hater)

grover is such a good therapist, like he is THE EMPATH. He tripped the god of war into talking about his life this is a grover appreciation post

annabeth zoning out with fascination at the mechanics and also i love the “percy being done with annabeth” representation

i cant see anything so nothing to say here

SEAWEED BRAIN THIS IS A HISTORICAL MOMENT IN PJOTV HISTORY THE FIRST SEAWEED-

grover manipulating ares through his emotions>>>>>

also ares roasting athena

Percy sacrificing himself AGAIN like the depressed kid he is

annabeth immediately reassuring percy that she would save his mom the character developmentttttttt from being inconsiderate about percy losing his mom to promising that she would save the lady EVEN THOUGH SHE BARELY KNEW HER

This is giving me too many feelings guys the lady she’s promising to save is the lady who will be the best mother figure who will singlehandedly heal her mommy issues AND BECOME HER MOTHER IN LAW

“Its warm” i thought this was gonna be the last thing he says before whatever was gonna happen to him so i was like lol famous last words

but fr tho the intenseness of annabeth crying for percy to GET UP and percy’s just fading out of the world trying not to cry trying to reassure annabeth that he’s okay IN WHAT WOULD BE HIS LAST FEW WORDS, literally everything he does is for someone else even in his dying moments its just magelhi”gdsjihoawerhoudfjls

especially with the “im not…..” [okay] lol we have always known that percy, it aint a big surprise

i got to applaud leah for how she portrayed annabeth’s brain chemistry altering every minute with percy and how that influenced her speech with hephaestus

i cant believe thats leo’s dad hes giving santa claus i do like him tho

Now that i think about it the percabeth hug should have been after percy comes back to life not after the louis arch scene since they were just starting to have two minutes of chemistry there and have the “you dont have to feel bad about the hug” in the zebra truck scene

percy trying to intimidate ares lolllll walker scobell did his best to make it look real tho so good for him for not representing it as it was; a lil 12 year old child threatening a wrestler looking god of war

”Thanks for the emotional abuse and the cheeseburgers” will forever be in the cinema hall of fame

i feel like grover either is going to say the wrong person or he’s going to figure out it’s luke but something’s going to stop him from saying it out loud

or he’ll say it which causes some angst amongst the team who dont trust him cuz both annabeth and percy worship luke like there’s no tomorrow

RAINBOW?? OHH THEYRE GONNA IRIS MESSAGE LUKE??

LIN MANUEL MIRANDA

[whumpshaped]

for the lgbtq+ ask game if you're doing it! 🌼 🦚

🌼 - If you used any other labels before your current one, what were they?

relating to the prev ask, yes absolutely. i was very young when i started labelling myself as queer and the first ever label i used was lesbian bc i knew for sure i wasnt into men (comphet was a whole mindfuck but whatever). i then moved onto demisexual bc i had girlfriends and i was like yea i love them i totally want a relationship w them but only bc i know them so well and whatever. and then at like age 18-19 i was like thats it im done forcing relationships im stepping into my aroace final form i dont care anymore and if my label changes again then so be it. but im done trying to force stuff.

as for gender- i didnt start questioning the pronouns or label until i was around 19-20 either. like yea i had thoughts abt not wanting to be a woman but doesnt everyone? /j but anyway i still struggle to be like "yea im nonbinary" bc i feel like a faker, i would DEFINITELY not id as trans bc that again just feels like im stealing some identity from those who actually need it as if its a scarce resource. and i dabbled in trying to find a specific type of nonbinary identity like agender and stuff but then i just stuck w enby bc thats the most vague and easy and i LOVE vague and easy labels lmao THEY ALLOW FOR WIGGLE ROOM.

🦚 - Are there any queer books/shows/etc. that you would suggest?

hm. trying to think of anything queer i read or saw- but i cant? highly recommend all the stuff on the hellsite tho, very gay and very full of torture. but i dont think ive ever really read or seen smth that was like explicitly focused on the queer identity or queer romance or anything. maybe bc it brings up bigotry without a fault every fucking time and i want my media not to hit too close to home OR bc im not very interested in romance in general

[adminlunata]

I think imma make a post abt myself bc why not! This is my blog *Villan laugh*

Anyway, Im Admin Luna! I also go by Terry or Terrylu.

Im 21! 🎉

That said, my blog/tumblr acc is gonna be 18+ MINORS DNI!!

Im a bi+bigender person, pronouns: they/she/he

Im Hispanic/Native 🇲🇽

Im into LOTS OF THINGS, and I've always wanted to share those things so my blog might be a mess of a lot of things! :3 Also, I might do a lot of self inserts, so if u dont like that. Then SKIDADLE!!

Intrests:

Art, (like all of em) I started drawing again recently after abt a 3yr break, both digital and traditional! Currently trying to learn nsfw art its reaaally hard 😭😭 but yall get to see my failed attempts lol. Also trying to start up a small jewelry business. I like beads and shiny jewelry. I also want to retry watercolor and acrylic painting, maybe try playing with pastels :p Pottery is cool, and so is glass work!! Im sure there are other art media im missing, but eh.

Books/reading, I LOVE READING. I've been in love with it since i learned that i could read cool stories, lol. Uh, I might try bookbinding in the foreseeable future. Might try to write again too.

Plants, I used to work as a florist! So, I've gotten into flower arranging. Might post old arrangements ive done, maybe learn to draw new ones instead since flowers are expensive 😅 Im also super interested in foraging and gardening, thanks Warriors and later SDV I just need to learn more abt identifying local edible plants and mushies before I try eating anything. I grew my first tomato plants and Marigold flowers this year!

Cosplay/sewing, I've always wanted to try cosplay, but I've found it a bit expensive to perform, so it might be a bit till then. But i have plenty of time to learn to sew, I'm also trying to learn to embroidery since it's part of my culture, and it's pretty.

Games, Im mostly a cozy gamer as much as id like to be good at fps i have 0 aim, that said it hasnt stopped me from playing OW. But typically play Minecraft, SDV, forager, terreria, ow, genshin, pokemon and zelda. I also rlly rlly RLLY want to try DnD but idk how anything works lol and my friends are too busy to start a campaign, im also too shy to join an online one so 🤷

Food, i LOVE cooking its such a pleasant chore i dont consider it a chore anymore lol. Im still trying to learn to bake tho? Its rlly difficult but I've managed to master my choco cookies 🍪

I think thats all! Thanks for reading this far, i will continue to add to it if i remember something else im into lol. And learn how to make things pretty in tumblr enjoy your stay!

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

FINALLY caught up to where I was in sims on Sunday night before I quit without saving cuz my sim died

Did a couple things different tho

I was initially going to just have my sim elope instead of trying to do another wedding. But I decided to move them into the house ive been building for the past 2 years and finally finished first

And then I thought "you know what? I spent so fucking long on the landscaping for this house. I should just get some wedding stuff and have a wedding in the back yard"

(pictures of the house to follow under the cut and also in the subsequent reblogs cuz I wanted to make sure I got EVERYTHING. This is the most detailed house I've ever built with the most extensive landscaping I've ever done. No pictures of the wedding unfortunately.)

As expected it was still buggy as hell. But it went slightly smoother than it did the other night. No one died. It lasted an entire sim day cuz my sims kept trying to talk to every single person who was there. Didn't manage to do ALL the things but they exchanged vows and ate some cake and thats the important part. But very glad I did not pay for the wedding pack. Weddings went much smoother without it lol. But I like the build items in the pack enough to keep it. Just probably won't do anymore weddings after this. I didnt used to do them at all anyway.

There's going to be several reblogs of just pictures but im gonna put them all under a cut so this post doesn't go on forever

Front of the house. I have more of the front yard im gonna include later. The landscaping needs to be all together cuz....it was a lot.

Garage+storage. I know none of these things are necessary in the sims but I was going more for realism here. The door next to the stairs is a wine cellar.

Front porch and the views from the porch. I dont usually furnish the porches of my houses but I had the house I stayed in when I went to Colorado in mind while building this and every morning we were there my mom, grandparents and I would go sit out on the porch and drink coffee and just stare at the mountains. No mountain views in this house but it has the vibe I was going for.

Main entrance and hallway

[songbirdtayler]

Im posting this here since no one will see it and I don't want my brother to find it in my journal. I still want to die. I keep thinking about it every day. It's been this way for months on end and it's at the point where I'm not scared to die. I already have things mostly planned out. I know when and which day would work best, Im gonna write a will soon and then letters to everyone and maybe do some videos in case the letters are unreadable. I just need to get that all done and choose how to go out. I do want a bit more money before I go so my family has less to worry about but they can sell all my stuff im not giving to people. They won't have to worry about another mouth to feed or the upstairs being too hot, they can move my fans downstairs to help keep things cooler and hopefully make the electrical bill go down some. They also won't have to worry about another person getting COVID. I won't weigh them down anymore. I won't weigh anyone down. I won't ever have to be in pain or cause anyone more pain again. It will be my last act of pain. Sure it's a big pain but they'll be okay. Everyone I care about has people there for them. They won't see me become a bigger monster, they'll be able to have some good memories of me. I don't want them to have more bad memories of me. I don't want to hurt them anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt. Everything hurts so much. My heart hurts so much. I'm not strong enough to keep going on. I'm so tired of being hurt all the time. Things just keep getting worse. I've managed to hurt my best friend so much that he doesnt even love me anymore. We're still friends but it hurts ya know. And it hurts more knowing that I'll never even be close to the one he likes. I can't make him comfy anymore, I can't make him happy or laugh or support him etc. I just hurt him it seems like:/ he used to really love me but I ruined that. I ruin everything I touch. That's the other reason why I gotta go. I don't want to ruin more things. I just want everyone to be happy and okay. I don't want to make the world a darker place. I think I've done all I can, I don't see what Im needed here for anymore. I don't think I really matter. Its hard to see why I would. How can a monster matter ? Not only that, people don't really talk to me...I'm ignored a lot so I stopped really reaching out. I'm pretty lonely most of the time tbh. I'm not someone people really check in on or want to spend time with. I'm just here. Im not even good at what I used to be good for so I don't even have people really reaching out for those reasons now. It's pretty funny people always tell me they love me and care but they don't really reach out or try to talk to me one on one yet they always will for other people. I can't even be treated kindly when I'm clearly worried about someone else yet they love me. The irony of it all. If you care then why don't you try with me!!! Do you see why it's so hard to see why I matter? If I matter why don't people try..I don't get it. People know I'm going through a rough time yet they still don't even reach out. IM NOT THAT STRONG IVE BEEN THROUGH THE RINGER OF PAIN I NEED SUPPORT AND CARE GODDAMNIT. So I gotta be a monster it's what makes sense. Maybe I would have been stronger if I had more support and if things stopped getting worse all the time. But I don't have either of those things. All I have is more pain and suffering and loneliness and seeing myself further descend into being a bigger monster. I try so hard to do good and be kind and happy and a good friend but I keep fucking up. I can't even do something simple. I was too greedy letting myself live this long. If I was gone noone of the pain I caused would have happen and I wouldn't have to experience all this pain. I would be at peace and people would be happy but I'm foolish and hopefully. I won't let that get the best of me now tho. I'll be gone before fall. I don't have enough strength to make it to my bday.

[pwblogarchive]

December 2006

December 3, 2006

“status”

yesterday i fell backwards through a window- sure it was sugarglass and light wood.still felt the nerves slip.been sleeping 3 hour nights.i love watching people sing and speak and write about the people and things that they love.it makes me feel regular again.gave up on love when i started seeing about it in gossip rags.gave up on god when i realized one day my father was gonna die.gave up on myself too many times to count- you could trade mistakes for sheepand count me away forever at night.thanks for never giving up on me.even when you truly should have.and most of our incoherrent thought is wasted on whether it will mean more to stay or to go. if we can get home before the light hits our bedroom.

December 3, 2006

“a penny for your thoughts”

im sensing some antidote in the way the world has been speaking to me.but im all heart with these fingers stuck in my ears-playing scenes from my childhood so loud that i cant hear whats happened to me.you cant fly these wings, you cant sleep in this box with me.somewhere theres a backroom for us to be swapping spit in. a ditch for me to be forgotten again."there are plenty of fish in the sea" quip pretty fisherman on boats in stocked lakes and fish farms.do you think about me when you see the moon in the afternoon?"shape up or ship out"im nailed and boarded up in a box addressed to somewhere else.of all gods jokes, i am the most cruel- i will make you forget your headand your rulesand your friendsand your faithwe are bricks on gas pedals.we are the ink on forged checks.i will make you mine and then forget you.my head is too crowded for the company.can we go back to how it was?before there was a world out the front door that got off on being down.stockpiled good fortune and am ready to wait out the storm.i want you in my after 12am veins.lately it all just feels like looking up through ice in a frozen pond at red cheeked families skating, carefree.to be honest, even though im nodding off in airport lounges-id rather lay my head on a curb somewhere with you than any of the rest of it.and the universe doesnt care about luck or headlines.someone whispered "make yourself" in my ear once.steal me away from all of this.make yourself.

12/03/06 Q&A

question

I was just wondering, how much profanity can be expected on the new album?

answer

not too much more than what you hear in “arms race”- though i have a mouth like a sialor. i tend to write in more hyper sexualized metaphors- nothing that would warrant a sticker or anything tho…

question

who you like better.. old pete or new pete?

answer

people always seem to be in a constant state of flux. noone stays the same forevr but the change never seems to happen overnight. old pete got grounded alot and stuff but to tell you the truth ive never cared too much for either. in all honesty.

question

pete, you guys owe the midwest big time you tottaly skipped us on the FOE tour…you arent playing a show in iowa or chicago… =[

answer

duh like wed ever space out on our hometown, like we dont have something super special planned just for you that is NOT part of the tour—- that goes for a couple of places we are “skipping”- have a bit of faith. we try not to let you down…

question

Push-up bras: in or out in 2006?

answer

im not wearing them anymore this year, so i guess no.

December 4, 2006

i want to fall in love with someone who can speak parseltongue.

- xo

December 8, 2006

minus : bill and teds excellent adventure was almost halfway done when i got home. and i wasted my night thinking of someone who will never understand me.minus/plus:i cut off my hair and jumped through a sheet of glass for our new video. plus: when napoleon eats the huge banana split in bill and teds: ziggy piggy ziggy piggy. i got an igloo dog house and fake snow for hem to play in. way more fun than whatever else i oculd have been doing. going to see panic tommorrow.

- xo

December 12, 2006

5:31am

i cant explain the feeling that has been exactly the same since the first moment you bobbed your head, had your spit shoot out of your mouth when singing along, or been crush on the railing on the front of the stage.everything else aside. the flashes, the numbers, everything- i hope i am judged and remembered only by how you have felt and sung along.it is a testament to who i wish i was and am always striving to become. because as much as we saved you- you have saved me.the shows feel the same. i was worried. but a smile or a wink reminds me that we are still part of the same machine that noone else understands.sorry if this is corny but these were the thoughts going through my head as i iced my back today after the show. if i fall apart, if we didnt sell a single record- this was still the best adventure story ever written. and i am endlessly grateful for that. ill now go back to being a douchebag.i think youre gonna like the new video.... let us know if youre hearing arms race on the radio by you.... just putting the final touhces on the record- yeah we know its like shopping for presents on xmas eve. but oh well. we dont want to let anyone down, not ourselves or you.xo.sleep fast, dream hard.ps i miss my dog.

- xo

Dec 14 2006 

02:26:00

dear you,

sometimes we get caught up in riding the moment, good or bad. mental health or our bodies. usually its never as bad as it seems in our own heads or in those seconds when it seems like noone else can empathize. but the truth is, as reluctant as we are to admit it- there are strains inside of us that make us exactly the same. together and alone all at once. crashing thoughts like chemistry. playing these club shows has been like heaven for me- its the closest i can get to being that little band again- and i love every minute of it. its exciting and crushing- pins and needles everywhere in anticipation. seeing the same old faces on the barricades but with new smiles. i have high hopes that you will come with us on this record if only because i feel like i/we owe it to you. i listen to the songs over and over again and hope that they hit you in that same spot but in a brand new way.

post video: my back will be okay,so will my hair (haha as okay as it ever was), i am in love with my band more than anything else on the planet. i hope you like the video.

i feel like a hack giving advice to you on the q & a when the truth is, i dont really have a clue to get through life on my own.i havent been able to sleep since we left on tour this week- my question to you- what do you do to fall asleep?

thanks for always being there. even when you probably shouldnt.

it puts me at ease knowing that someone else doesnt get it as much as i dont get it.

December 14, 2006

“be my unholy, my one and lonely. (the inside of my head, unfiltered).”

computer broke. back broke. love broke.

but the ship is gonna look pretty at the bottom of this sea.

my memory is a steel trap.

your face has been filed away- to be scrutinized later.

to be despised.

to be loved.

to be sought.

to be dreamt of.

i am the inside of "i dont care".

right in the middle.

staring at you.

i have you read before you even say your name.

except when im wrong

and my whole world tips on end.

"i loved everything about you that hurts".

everything i love about you is a mess- is the reason you cant get through your days.

i keep the tv on loud in hotel rooms so i dont feel alone.

i wear scarves and hoods cause theyre the only poker face ive got left.

in my head i smash mirrors and break palm readers' hands.

i love to write of sex and bodies pressed against eachother- but i am not a closer and never will be, i cant get my mind to shut off long enough to make moves. id rather remember the smell of your hair and the way you faked like you were too drunk to drive home.

id rather break you down.

i dread human contact but cant stand to sleep alone- two parts of me that are constantly at war with each other.

every single mirror is a trick mirror. not just the funhouse ones. we see what we want.

i wish i could live a billion years just to evolve beyond love.

only the science of that doesnt really add up, and besides i am addicted to it.

if you cut me open i am the single most regular person that has ever existed.

it scares me.

it electrifies me.

i have put my belief in god in a sort of holding pattern- i close my eyes hard and want to believe. just because this cant be it. but im not ready to commit. keep flying. one of these days were gonna run out of fuel.

the famous < the infamous.

i want to become better than i am.

i want cures instead of houses.

and hope instead of hype.

only its all so big that i dont even know where to start.

birth and death are just the bookends, no one explains how to find happiness in between.

my mood changes before i finish whole sentences. hence the fragments.

if anyone ever knew the whole truth im pretty sure they would lock me up and throw away the key.

i dont like to talk or play certain songs because they are just an unhappy blur in my life when somewhere inside of me i was sure id be dead before anyone ever heard them.

i wish jimminy cricket was my best friend.

i think hed keep me on track.

its no fun hating someone who hates themself so much more.

youre just an amateur.

you cant complain about your back and then jump off of high things.

well you can but then you just look silly.

my attention span, my temper, my faith and my height are all pretty much just short.

if i ever really had three wishes i am sure id waste them on ruining three peoples lives.

disappointing people is my thing baby, find a new gig, this town aint big enough for the two of us.

i have a love/hate relationship with being forgotten.

i fall asleep on the keyboard all the time, i think it is of some comfort to me.

i cant wait to meet the person i will want to grow old with.

posted by xo @ 12:29 AM

December 16, 2006

2:57am

Have heart, willing to travel.

- xo

December 16, 2006

come on just let me make out with one of your friends and we'll call it even

caged all the free spirits.lets make them shiny so we see them glisten on the ocean bottom.well take your flaws and polish them as good as new-that is except for jealousy, theres been a recall on that one.expect version 2.0turned the corners of my eyes out as though they were my pockets, as i pass by men sleeping in boxes looking for loose change.fix me or forget me. at this point im going for whichever is easier.im guessing i look like i just got off a bender cause everyone keeps saying "you really should get some rest".like that was the problem.it feels like a surgeon who cant cut himself open to save his own life.going AWOL from ghost towns.look into mirrors-"wipe that smile off your fucking face."my dreams are all backyards in the suburbs and you.and whatever happens in between just make sure our plots are matching and next to eachother.its kind of tough being a people pleaser when you arent too fond of people in general.on steroids for the back- no, not the cool kind. though one of the side effects is dementia.living out of a suitcase changes your outlook on the world.its hard to imagine a time when any of this made sense.a flight.fizz of tonic water.clicking of hotel room keys."ive never done this before"s.you need oxygen tanks to climb the mountains i have made of these molehills.keep me away from the inside of your head.

December 16, 2006

here's to fresh starts

Today was one of the longest ever for me.I have no explanation. Except that relief can come from the last place you'd ever expect.Sometimes the people you expect to be there are no shows. Especially when you're on the tile floor heaving.I am ready to be me again.I miss my puppy. I think you dreamt me alive.

December 18, 2006

love/hate

I am sur ei have been loved. I have obsessed over love. the kind of love of getting in and out of trouible. I have hoped for love that is beyond you beiung caught by me or me trying to slip through the cracks. I hope for a love that is like astronomers who desribe distant planets. Even as experts it is a too far off to even properly calculate no matter how much you adore it. And I am no expert. When was the last time you felt proud of me? Ask myself when was the last time I did anything worth your pride? When was the last time I was moved, not like a piece in a board game but truly moved. When was the last time I didn't see the world in an "you always stick your neck out" or "can't catch a break" kind of way. You are the kind they cut off ears for and start wars over. You are a distant planet, noone would get from afar. You are the dream that I can't remember but can't forget. You are the trap door magicians never reveal. You're my last trick. You're my grand finale.

December 18, 2006

“diamonds into coal.”

i am a terrible typer on a sidekick as proven in the previous post.

i hate hotel room life.

i hate doing interviews.

i hate reading interview i have done.

i am overdramatic.

i am overly pessimistic. i only see the worst in everything.

but i smile and nod along anyway.

i dont believe a word anyone says to me.

but id really like to believe in everything.

this list is boring. i miss my dog.

December 19, 2006

being in new york brings back strange memories of fall. i am really excited for everyone to see the new video tommorrow. though i am completely bummed out to see people selling tickets for ridiculous amounts of money for the friends or enemies tour. the whole point of this tour was for us to play some small rooms with our dedicated fans. i dont really think there is anything we can do legally about people who are taking advantage of this. the only thing i can think of is that we will go around venues before the show and try to give out a few tickets for free (i doubt we will have many extra as most have sold out). dont feed into this. we will keep playing smaller shows and secret ones- as well as a bigger spring tour. i promise you will get a chance to see us. we are going to go everywhere. please dont let these vultures get you down.

- xo

December 20, 2006

to only you:there was this girl- a doll. hanging and dancing on strings. black hair and smiling. she lived just off of a town called naivety... some place i have driven through from time to time. and i never had an idea. cut the strings so we could run down the street under trees and roll in the grass. never meant for it to become what it did in so many different ways. never meant to always leave the driveway headed one direction and never knew what waited when i returned. only that her eyes were the lights in the windows that i pulled up to in the snow. slipping off the ends of icy roads at nights racing home through the night no matter what. and the miles got father and farther in between. and i couldnt ever figure myself out to save a thing. but now i cut those strings and she is forever dancing or lying or waiting in the lit windows for vans and buses that came less and less. and i wrote the harshest words and she wrote the harshest words. she turned from a doll into a girl and i from a boy into a monster and back into a boy now and again. eyes always red and puffy. pride always on the line. things were much simpler when she was on strings for her i think. things were much simpler when the van only went so far. before i had to press a picture of her and paste it on dashes and inside of bunks everywhere. i cant explain how i got here. it doesnt make any sense. she could follow the articles and videos or my pieced together stories. or a dog. or a dream. or words that make half sense sent in the middle of the night. and even when im telling the truth it doesnt matter cause the phone is always dead. and i am always 30,000 feet in the air flying somewhere. but i keep the warmest memories close to my heart even when im at payphones and want to cut my insides out,, dry them up and mail them to her. "im sorry" doesnt matter anymore. the words have no meaning. im sorry i cut the strings and ran away. now when i come to look for her i dont know where to begin. its hard to not say "its all my fault" but it goes through my head over and over so i cant sleep with out the AMBIENce of my bed and the puppy. bane songs. boomerangs. badnews. arkansas. goodbye love i didnt know you well or maybe too well.

- xo

December 24, 2006

they say this thing between us is getting old, but i think of it more like vintage love.

im like one of those movies you buy in a hotel with every button but rewind.have at it.your jokes.your ring tones.it doesnt matter.i cant ever get the right words to the right people.lying on the side, tears fall from your left eye into your right.filling it and spilling over. and so on.spilling out. but not pretty like in the movies.phones are always dead.white lights hanging on houses, breath in the air-everything about right now reminds me that i am all alone.and how terrible i am because of the thoughts that run through my head.like im pretty sure i could get some sleep if you were dead and gone.but not in a "drop dead" kind of way, more like you couldnt fuck with my head anymore.a snow day on giving a fuck about anything.sit here and stare at the television because thats what im supposed to do.forget to eat.sit in the roped off corner of a club because thats what im supposed to do.forget to care.and i just want to write a story or a song that makes everyone forget their troubles but im not too sure that i have it in me.hot spots become luke warm.i just want one person to know me completely before i die.i want maternity wards on stage for the delivery.spent the afternoon in an mri- its like preparation for lying in a coffin forever. it was a fear i havent experienced since i was young. the shaking and the sounds and the closeness of it all. everyone loves an underdog. every dog will have its day. top dogs. all dogs go to heaven and such....

December 25, 2006

he said "i brought the hoody back all them other boys dont know how to act"

when i was little i wanted to be max from where the wild things are when i grew up.kind of bonkers, cause he was just a kid too.

12/25/06 Q&A

question

is it true you and andy had a fight? and now fall out boy is breaking up?

answer

nope. not breaking up anytime soon. contrary to whatever stupid things have come out of any of our mouths near journalists. we are currently doing better than brad and angelina- no break up in sight.

12/28/06

question

dear pete i hope you liked your christmas i know i did i got the clandestine bag i wanted and tickets to the red hot chili peppers concert i just wanted to say i look up to you because you let me down every time i needed help i asked you because i didnt know who to turn to my older brother being the jerk he is never helped me in any way and you never answered any questions with any substance anyways i dont know how many times i posted my questions but i digress i learned that you cant depend on the people you look up to, to help you out with advice i learned to help myself out and just face my problems and if i make a wrong turn well ill learn from that too so i just wanted to thank you for making me that much more independent i still love fall out boy sooo much too much in fact or so ive been told im not just another fan that listens to you guys and asks you stupid questions i am a fan that loves your music and i know not to depend on you for advice cause you cant help me i can only help myself sorry if im dragging on but im trying to get my point across im not sure if you will ever read this one im pretty sure you wont and im okay with that cause that will prove my point ill give you three trys to answer cause i dont know how your answering process works three cheers for questions with no substance -sincerely me *strike two*

answer

glad you had a good christmas. as far as answering questions- i miss alot of them- either do to timing or that i didnt feel capable of answering or whatever. usually i answer whatever sticks out to me. sometimes goofy ones, sometimes serious ones. we as a band try to be role models the best that we can. im sorry that you felt let down. its great to be independent and i think its awesome that this question wasnt a “fuck you i hate your band cause you didnt answer my question”… it sucks to feel skipped over i know that. im glad that it sounds like youre doing well. hope your family situation has gotten better.

question

i was watching release the bats and was wondering if your parents had seen it and what they thought of it. i was oddly fascinated yet disgusted. nice job

answer

i think my mom thinks its funny. my brother and me have been doing stuff like that since we were little- so its not too shocking.

question

Since your famous to some people. Would you ever like Wierd Al to make a song about you and the rest of the band? If so, what do you think he would sing about you and the band?

answer

we grew up on weird al. we’d love the honor of being mocked in a song of his- i think maybe “where is your beer tonight? i hope it is a heineken”

[lostacelonnie]

My apologies for taking. So long to respond time literally slipped away from me. I simply thought school festivals were fake & made up. Can confirm snake bites are cool & i hope you can get them. My tattoo wasnt fully healed yet so its now mostly done & i have to return next month to finish it. For real it was raining here last week & now its like. Sunny & nice & im like. Pick a lane weather. The autism sure does affect. A whole lot & i wish it would like. Do less. Yeah sparkle like. Makes seele cracked. Or anyone really. Thanks! I havent maxed her talents yet but like. I now have all 3 versions of mei & am stoked. Robin actually sings during her ult ive heard which is cool as hell & i wanna try for her maybe? Still undecided but i know people who want boothill. The triple su drops gave me basically nothing for archeron & i am. Salty. I need to build pela & welt but also i have. So little time. Adventurine is actually a solid shielder but like. Idk. I dont have clara on main so im uncertain on his usage when i have so many others to work on. & genshin is taking my time more for arlecchino funds. I wish the game was that nice to me for clara i even have her light cone but not her. Best part of archeron in sim universe easy. Skipping so much bullshit. I finally was able to get ratio up to clear swarm & do gold & gears which i enjoy way more. Ah yeah that is her best set from what ive heard & both of them seem to hate giving me good pieces for her. So im operating on a weird mix until i get good stuff. Scuffed but works. Have you heard her line for joining a team with black swan yet? Ive uh. Been on a trinity of genshin star rail & ai the somnium files trying to like. Actually beat games in my backlog. Bartender event was so fun im glad they are doin solid on the events like the potion makin event for genshin was pretty good. Sorry for throwin off the equilibrium immediately its been. A time.

HI I AM ALSO VERY VERY SORRY...... i was in croatia for 2 weeks + school Got Me..... i am back though. AND YEAH REAL AS HELL i like unironically thought that was something made up for television. but it Is really great that they exist irl. tons tons tons of fun to work on it and then see the result hehehehe...... and thankies!!!!! i will defo in the future. and hey its been around a month so!!!! hows your tattoo!!!!!! also if i may ask what is it Of...... AND REAL LIKE. make up your damn mind. today especially was a weird day cos its cloudy but SO hot out. and godddd yeah. me when the neurodivergence makes my neurons divergent. but at least i get back on my meds Soon...... hopefully....... i have an appointment at least. and oh nice!!!! i am unfortunately seeleless but maybe i will get sparkle......... one day......... saving for firefly right now tho. shes so cool i love her. AND ALSO ISNT IS SOOO COOL THAT SHE IS ACTUALLY CANONICALLY MEI. its so cool its so cool. scratched my brain just right. tho i actually havent finished the trailblaze mission yet bc i failed the second dominicus fight JSHD. cos of the forced tb in the party. hell on penacony. and yeah she does!!!!! also how did your pulls go??? good luck if you havent gotten her yet. i wanted boothill before i found out that firefly is right next patch so. Rerun perhaps. AND YEAH SAME like. What was even the point. i need to get my bailu built better first tho..... Augh. one must imagine star rail players happy. I NEED TO BUILD PELA TOOOOOO and im unfortunately weltless But im planning to get him from the 300 on standard since i still havent hit that. somehow. and ahhhh yeah thats fair, tbf my clara team is just pulled together by. March 7th. but she does her damn job so who am i to complain!! and oh good luck with arlecchino!!!! i cant play genshin anymore, fortunately or not, but i Did get back into arknights recently so. theres that. and auugh i have the same with gepard [yes lightcone, no him]. AND YEAH SHE REALLY DOES MAKE SU EASY. god i love her. and hey congrats!!! yeah i like g&g more as well even if it does not like me. but ah what can you do....... also running chars on scuffed gear is just like. A canon experience i feel. and Yes i have......... augh. and ooh nice!!!! havent heard of the third one i think?? and yeah bartender event Was a lot of fun. also DONT WORRY AB IT as you can see. am Very Late as well.

[dkkjd-vyu]

i cant tell who i am anymore tbh because im constantly gaslit about it and people around me will be inspired by me or claim i was inspired by them even with shit ive always done and it is exhausting. and i see consistency in the way i dress and the way i want to dress and the way i used to dress but what the fuck does it mean. also when i was like 13 and upperclassman accused me of copying them and sure maybe i was inspired by them a but because we were friends and they were older (and also very controlling in a lot of weird ways) but i also already had lots of original interests and influences before i met then but they claimed those as their own as well. now i am still in their radar and they dress or do things in ways now that i do and use to, even when they didnt dress like that yet at the time but i already did. (for ex. they wore like generic twee but i was much more experimental with the way i dressed, wore crazier patterns and colors and silhouettes etc.) but since they were one of the only alternative people in the band they weirdly saw anything alternative as 'their thing'. (she alsso accused multiple people of copying her and was very competitive and manipulative) Also i didnt get to start dressing myself until highschool (which is when i met them) so i changed my style drastically in my first year of highschool since i was finally allowed freedom but this person saw anything interesting in another character as a threat , also she had been accused of copying someone older than her before i met her!!! and tbh i also feel like they were inspired by me after they felt threatened since i dressed more experimental and she just wore kinda basic generic twee stuff idk but they could never admit that and it also causes a lot of confusion within me because im constantly being gaslit about stuff i did first too!! things that were always apart of me! but i am not allowed that security!! also with art!! even tho ive always been an artists and she barely drew until she met me!!! its so stupid this has stuck with me so severely STILL but i cant get over it for some reason and this shit still affects my friendships now. i am very paranoid of friends and have a very low self esteem since i cant proudly display any of my positive attributes without being afraid someone will be threatened by them and lash out against me and also still question if i was too inspired by her or accidentally copy her somehow still even though from an outside perspective we are VERY different but she aggressively highlights the similarities (eg. you read books? thats interesting?,, i read books!! thats my thing!!" even tho in this case ive been a massive book worm since i was a child and she only really got into reasing as an adult -_-) but yeah she fucking sucks but i feel like i lose or admit all the bullshit things she accused me of were true if i block her completely and it pisses me off because i also have a stupid little ego about it and want to get back at her and i want to have a wayy better life that is completely different than hers and way cooler clothes and interests that she couldnt dream of copying or having because i am also crazy. kinda like the " you think im copying you? why the fuck would i want anything you have or be like you?? look at my life!! why would i try to downgrade like that"

[goremet-chef]

DREADFUL so dreadful but the only step is to just reach forward. like all i need to do is pick up my pen but i cant. wish i could tho

art will always be my passion, even if it bothers me sometimes. its all ive ever been good at, fantastic outlet for creativity and emotional buildup but i just. sometimes i cant move and i dont know why and its literally inches away from me but i can hardly move forward yknow? im fine physically, but mentally its like this huge step that seems so intimidating

i feel like i live off of outcomes and when the outcome isnt certain my brain goes haywire and holds me in place until the outcome can settle. but? this outcome IS the same. its so easy, ive done it before. reach and grab, draw what yr dying to draw

im drowning myself in lethal company things im so excited and im . all my minecraft ocs and my sotf ocs like i have so much i need to make and just.. no will to do it. but i want to! want to more than anything. id feel better if i did, which is true i would feel better. when it builds up inside you its OVERWHELMING like insanely so. i can get it out and free myself if i just DO it but theres always this barrier between what i want and what i actually do yknow? very lame

yknow art is my passion even if it hurts me sometimes it makes me very happy and i like to create, everyone likes to create. i like to see what i can do, like to bring all these buzzing thoughts to reality. can hardly hold onto them long enough to do that but i try at least. sometimes i feel really really unreliable and i dont know why?

i dont do commissions anymore, i pretty much ONLY draw for myself. who are you disappointing? who do you THINK yr disappointing? no one even remembers all the times you say "im drawing this 😼", YOU dont even remember all the times you say that. theres no pressure, you can do it whenever you want, it doesnt make you worse or anything. art is for you, you'll get to it when you can

yes :] i think i probably will. im just trying to make myself feel better honestly its something that eats at me and i dont know why?

its like some HORRIBLE combination of impostor syndrome and bpd fears like "oh no im not good enough!!! i need to provide i need to create for others to consume to prove im worthy" and then when i DO create, when too many people like it its.. i feel like ive conned them, surely i didnt make something that good, i must have faked it somehow and the attention is undeserved

SHIT LIKE THAT honest to god all my mento illnesses come together and hold hands like some really fucked up version of the power rangers. all of them collide in the WORST ways possible its. what is bro doing in there !!!! seriously its actually comically tragic but i live in spite this, i probably always will live in spite of it. sometimes im like wow lets let everything wash over and give up, this hell isnt worth it. but isnt it? back and forth black and white, world is ending world is beautiful type shit. when it feels over i just try to remember all that stuff that and it forces me to remember that there is no giving up on this, wouldnt give it up for the world. its mine and ill keep it

as i was saying tho, i feel so much happier drawing when i try to keep it out of mind. like yes, of course i love the attention. who doesnt? but i used to be INCREDIBLY numbers driven for like. hefty chunk of my art history. like little 11 yr old me breaking coppa on dA had so much fun just drawing hot garbage and sharing it and it never got like any likes but i didnt even CARE i just. to be able to create and share is the best part of all

i wish i was like him again. im not that boy, not anymore, but i remember him and i keep him close. all that cringe bullshit and i was having so much fun

ill give myself some credit yknow. im an adult, money is a necessity in this world. art becomes more of a chore and something i feel pressured on because logically its the only thing i can DO right to make a quick buck like. its the one thing i know i can do. but having my passion turn into something like that? dreadful

sometimes you cant avoid it, i just have to do my best to look past it and recognize that beneath all that shit. theres something in me that needs to draw, the same thing that forces me to carry sketchbooks and pencils with me wherever i go, even if i never use them. just this lingering presence that screams at me and tells me that i will create. i will! i will create

[s3plan]

long vent -_-

told my bf about the possible (hypo)manic episode and he immediately said "you should probably get checked to see if you're bipolar" which. :/ i mean yeah but thats not really what im worried abt rn. im not mad tho iknow he was drunk & didnt mean anything. i did start acting embarrassing when we were gonna sleep tho, crying and making myself feel worse for no good reason i think i just wanted attention. i felt like a horrible person even then &still kinda do now. he was asleep already &way drunker than me so im praying he didnt notice. its so scary because ive finally started getting better at not acting out or hurting myself to get his attention but now ive done it two parties in a row and it feels like all my progress is undone, even tho i know it doesnt work that way. there were a lot of times last night when it felt like i wasnt in control of myself, or like i was very close to doing or saying something really regrettable.

and i dont know if im gonna be able to tell my therapist, not really sure why i think that but im scared to introduce the topic when ive never mentioned before that i get like this sometimes. she gave me one of those diary sheet things you fill in throughout the day and ive been unable to do it properly the past few days. because the little squares arent big enough to write in and theres too much i cant put into words. and im scared that if i try to talk to her about it, i wont be able to put it into words. it happened last night and i forgot how fucking annoying it is, it used to be like that all the time two ish years ago. i dont wanna think abt this anymore

[reineyday]

that chagrinned feeling of someone reblogging your art but making a point to say "i dont ship this but"