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missinghan · 4 years

Text

give it a chance ⤖ lee minho

❖ genre : college au; roommates au; friends to lovers au

❖ word count : 9,6k.

❖ warning : explicit language, slightly suggestive & mentions of alcohol

❖ summary : you convinced yourself to attend a party in order to prevent Lee Minho from doing stupid things; however it’s not so stupid anymore when your roommate said he needed to tell you something important.

❖ a/n : the continuation of what if we is dedicated to @chaninfused, so *clears throat* this is where I hereby declare that she deserves more than what the entire universe can possibly give her; oh hi furat, this is why I’ve been so cryptic all this time. I know this isn’t much but I want to thank you for tolerating me and letting me be mean to you even though we only started talking for a few months; you’re an incredibly great friend and an amazing writer, don’t ever forget that 🖤

one.

It’s been almost a week since Jisung last talked to Minho (albeit texts and FaceTime) and he wakes up to his best friend roaming around his crusty kitchen, struggling to find a bottle of honey. Seungmin’s mom has been constantly sending them thirty packets of rib soup per week. And Minho thinks the sight of Han Jisung slurping on nothing but distorted rice with pork ribs while stressing over his paper for seven days straight is more tragic than his non-existent love life.

“It’s like you’re trying to turn us into gym rats,” Hyunjin snickers lazily, flinging his bangs away from his face. “You even brought us Tupperwares, are you really expecting us not to order tacos impulsively on study nights?” He’s a little dubious about stuff like this because he can feel the actual horror of only eating chicken breast and string beans just by seeing Chan cooking them up.

Seungmin chucks a piece of lettuce towards his direction, “Don’t you have anything else to do other than complaining?” He knows that when Jisung and Hyunjin decide to order food on study nights, they’re gonna do anything but study.

“Uhm, I actually do,” he replies nonchalantly. “I’m going through Minho’s phone.”

Jisung takes a seat next to him by the counter, propping his head onto his hands, “What’s the point? There’s nothing but cat photos and cat memes...and also Y/N as his background.”

“That angle is hideous, by the way,” Hyunjin comments like the true photography geek he is, which is completely ignored by Minho because he’s too cranky to start a fight at ten in the morning. “But it’s kinda cute for you to do that, so I’m gonna turn a blind eye.”

Jisung asks out of the blue, “Who’s going to BamBam’s party this Sunday? Well, besides the other two-thirds of 3RACHA.”

“I have a midterm on Monday, dumbass,” Seungmin mumbles while washing his vegetables at the sink.

“And I’m sleeping over at Lix’s for a project,” Hyunjin informs him lamely, having no intention to attend another single frat party. At least not BamBam’s frat parties—that guy has the weirdest friends; a chick was so drunk that she thought Hyunjin was her boyfriend and almost tried to make out with him on the dance floor.

Jisung secretly hates going to parties without his friends- no, actually, he never goes to parties without people from his social circle because he dreads the whole introduction part that requires formalities and inevitable awkwardness. But it’s not like that with Minho, ten minutes into their very first conversation and he feels like he’s known him for years.

In short, he will die if Minho doesn’t come to the party. Chan can only chat with him for so long until his DJ duty occurs and Changbin’s probably gonna be too busy doing keg stands to care about his antisocial friend.

“Fine, I’ll go,” Minho gives in while chopping up the chicken breasts and this prompts Jisung to clap happily like a seal for the next twenty seconds as he skips over to the fridge to fetch a water bottle. “But we’re gonna need a ride, I’m not taking my motorbike for some crackhead to puke on it. Ask Chan later when you crash at his place.”

Jisung tosses his head back to take a peek at the clock hanging by the bookshelf, and it reads 10:07 AM. He really should be getting for his class at eleven because traffic sucks but he’s not feeling like sitting through two hours of Park ranting about marketing strategies. “Can’t Y/N just drive us? I don’t think she’d let anyone else take you home when you’re not sober,” he ponders, earning a nod of agreement from both of his roommates.

Just when Minho opens his mouth to brush it off, he stops himself to process the information again and holds back a ‘you’re right’ because he hates letting people know that they’re not wrong. He wouldn’t let anyone drive you home when you’re drunk either. “Her car’s with her dad right now,” he tries to sound casual when three pairs of curious eyes are glued onto his back. “I, uh, sorta had it run into a tree last week.”

“You what? How are you still alive?” Hyunjin’s jaw is on the floor and Seungmin accidentally dumps too much vinegar into his salad while Jisung’s choking on the iced cold water, coughing furiously after into the sleeve of his hoodie. Guess Chan’s gonna have to drive them both. After all, he can never say ‘no’ to J.One.

Minho murmurs, “A dude rear-ended me, fucking idiot.” He finishes marinating the chicken breasts and arranges them nicely onto a tray with aluminum foil on top, pushing it into the preheated oven. “And basically she’s never letting me touch her car again,” he sighs while staring into midair dreamily, flashbacking to last Friday when you immediately Ubered yourself all the way from campus to downtown after picking up his call. All he got was thirty seconds of affection; you made sure that he’s not hurt and the rest was just a monstrous tantrum. He ended up sleeping on the couch that night.

“My my, you two are just like an old married couple,” Hyunjin chuckles lightheartedly and shakes his head, scrolling through the series of texts in amusement, “What even is this? I swear your conversation consists of 60% ‘when are you going home?’, 40% ‘your lunch is here’ and 20% terrible cat memes.”

“We’re roommates,” Minho drags the word through gritted teeth, holding back all the murderous thoughts inside his head because he feels like Hyunjin’s just asking for a death wish. It’s too early for this.

Unexpectedly, Seungmin decides he’s in a pretty good mood today since he aced his OChem pop quiz yesterday; meaning, he’s gonna stick his nose into his friend’s business whenever there’s a chance. “Don’t you guys share a bed too?” he pretends to play dumb only to receive a kick in the shin from the older boy.

“We’re also broke,” Minho cranes his neck tiredly, washing the dirty knife under the tap. “Besides, the heater in the living room sucks.”

“You both even smell the same, it’s getting kinda creepy. Please don’t tell me you guys also share showers to have a light water bill,” Jisung makes a gagging noise and Minho thinks he’s already said too much. His grip on the knife tightens for a split second before letting it drop into the sink. He doesn’t trust himself with anything sharp the moment Hyunjin started this unwanted conversation. He also regrets stealing Changbin’s meal prep recipes to feed his trash friends.

Minho questions callously, “We just use the same shampoo and shower gel, what’s the big deal?” His hands go for the box of oatmeal that Felix left here last time in the cabinet full of random food. He doesn’t get why Seungmin would buy so much groceries like he’s in a pandemic knowing damn well that his idiotic roommates can’t cook for shit.

Hyunjin purses his lips, trying to prove his point, “Don’t you think that it’s weird? You don’t do those things with us.”

“Because none of you would fucking house me when I was on the verge of being homeless!”

“And why is she yelling at you through texts anyway? Bro, there’s like ten missed calls here with at least a hundred ‘where are you?’. Why is she terrorizing you this early in the morning?” Minho immediately snaps out of his semi-angry trance, chest heaving up and down.

“Oh shit,” he facepalms himself. “I promised to pick her up at ten from class, what time is it again?”

“You’re fifteen minutes late, my friend,” Jisung supplies unhelpfully. “It’ll take another ten to arrive at campus, without traffic that is. You’re so dead. D-E-A-D.” It feels weird to hear something correct coming out of Jisung’s mouth (twice in a row) and now Minho wishes he could just whack his friend unconscious on the floor with the new set of microphones that Chan gave him last year for Secret Santa.

“Oh, I left your rice sitting at ‘warm’, by the way,” Minho makes a grab for his biker jacket and helmet on the counter before fleeing out of the apartment with his sneakers half-way tucked in. It’s not even been thirty minutes since they’ve seen each other for the past week and Jisung’s already choked on water, not once, but twice because of Lee Minho. Sometimes he wonders if the universe is telling him that he needs new friends.

two.

“Your boyfriend is late.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” you hiss at Yeji while staring at Minho’s contact on your phone anxiously. There’s no reason for you to be; worst-case scenario, you can just take the 0325 home and lock him outside for the night so that he’ll have no choice but to endure Chan’s embarrassing sleeping habits. He wouldn’t even notice either way because he’d be too busy swearing in his sleep to be annoyed.

Yeji puts her hair up into a ponytail after stretching her limbs tiredly. She only has one class today and no choice but to stay on campus for her shift at the café before lunch break. Too bad Woojin can’t cover her today because of midterms. “I’m only speaking facts,” she tells you with a yawn and notices the slight pout on your face. “Hey, don’t be sad just because your stupid boyfriend can’t pick you up. I can call Chaeryeong if you need a ride here and there, she wouldn’t mind.”

“I’m not fucking sad!”

“Y/N, you look more depressed than Ryujin when she got a B+ in calc.” That’s irrelevant, Shin Ryujin already has a GPA booster after signing up for Kim’s stats class, one B+ won’t make it any less sparkly.

You only let out a prolonged sigh after checking your phone for the tenth time in the past half an hour. He isn’t picking up any of your calls, your messages probably can’t even reach him and now you’re sitting at M.I.A Cafe with a cup of plain water after standing outside at the front gate for so long like an idiot. An idiot, who’s hopelessly in love with her roommate- wait what?

Listen, you already know that this is going to happen. It’s awfully inevitable and it’s getting harder and harder as the days pass by because summer is almost here. Meaning, Minho’s gonna move out soon, according to the contract.

Are you sad about that?

Yeah, kinda.

The more you think about it the more you regret your decision that day to let him stay with you. Because now you don’t think you’d be able to sleep without him next to you, hogging the blanket all to himself; you get angsty when he’s not home even if he’s just at dance practice; you’re definitely getting way too used to sharing an earphone with him while you both are dreading your assignments silently at the kitchen counter. And now you’re getting nervous just because he’s thirty minutes late. He’s never late, not even to your Monday Movie Night where you both can pig out and binge-watch the Avatar: The Last Airbender series until you’re sick of it.

Maybe you’re relying on him too much. Hypothetically speaking, it’s not his fault for the damage of your car but you’re just making excuses to be with him. You even set him as your emergency contact. It’s kinda tedious to be your roommate, you realize. All of those things aren’t mandatory and he can simply mind his own business without having to feel obligated because of the ‘roommates’ label yet he’d still choose you, over everything else. Perhaps he’s dealing with his own first world problems and forgot to leave you a message this time.

Yeji inquires breezily, wiping a cup dry with a towel, “Also, are you going to BamBam’s party this weekend?”

“For me to carry your ass home after getting shitfaced and sit through another two-hour lecture from Lia? I’ll pass thank you very much.”

She indicates with a quirk of her perfectly dark brow, “What if I tell you that Minho’s gonna be there?” Now she sounds like she’s the one who’s crushing on Lee Minho and not you. Never knew that your friends can be this creepy but the more you learn… “Jisung just told me he found a plus one aka Mister Celebrity to attend that frat party with, you wouldn’t have the heart to let me be the loner right?” she pouts with her nose scrunched and it reminds you too much of Light Fury so you look away, knowing that you wouldn’t stand a goddamn chance if she kept this up.

“How is that my problem?” you merely roll your eyes, slightly annoyed. “And also, isn’t Jisung supposed to have his marketing class now?”

Yeji doesn’t give a damn about what on Earth Han Jisung is doing with his life so she just brushes your question off. “Would you let Minho drink irresponsibly?”

You nod without hesitation, though it feels wrong coming out of your mouth, “He can do whatever he wants...as long as my carpet remains clean after his hangover.”

“Would you let me drink irresponsibly?”

“The same goes for you,” you tell her monotonously. “And I only picked you up because Lia sounded like she was hyperventilating when you attended that one law brat’s birthday party. Na Jaemin, wasn’t it? Hate that guy, by the way.”

Yeji thinks it’s time for you to open up even more and not despise people that much. Having Lee Minho as your roommate is already a huge step-up but it’s not like there have been any modifications to your routine except the fact that another human being is simply enduring your bitchy ass of a loner. She wants you to be really out there, just not messing with shit like doing keg stands because Seo Changbin is a terrible influence. Woojin once had to drop his shift at the sushi place to drive Jeongin home because Changbin left him hanging on the beanbag chair for a game of beer pong. Jeongin has never gone to another single party since.

“You hate literally everyone!” Yeji’s getting impatient, you can feel it.

“Are you telling me it’s my fault that people are shitty?” you bark, massaging the sides of your temple tiredly. You wish you could just drop the entirety of your current presentation to Yeji because your brain cells are already evaporating one by one into thin air.

She barks back, merely sneering, “C’mon! Y/N, it’s not like you ever have plans for the weekend.”

“But I’m having midterms on Monday, I didn’t spend my time on those notes for nothing.”

She shakes her head at you almost in disapproval. Sure, you’re a coward for backing out on this because BamBam’s no stranger to you. That Thai kid has been hanging out with Chan since middle school and he always offers to buy you coffee whenever you happen to drop by as they’re working on a project together. He’s a nice guy, but you don’t know him that well. Something in your gut is telling you that he has weird friends (he totally does). And you’re not about to overdrink only to blurt out an awful confession to Minho while being surrounded by a bunch of crackheads that aren’t in your social sphere.

“I heard kids are vapi-” Yeji stops herself, thinking she should just give up, and get ready for the next batch of sleep-deprived customers coming in at lunch break before Jeongin chucks an avocado at her direction for chit-chatting too much about your gigantic crush on Minho. “Nevermind, it’s not like you’d care anyway, have fun with reviewing I guess.” And with that, she leaves you alone with the cup of plain water to dump the used coffee grounds in the trash.

It takes you at least ten seconds to comprehend what she just said. And you’ve come up with a new yet very last-minute decision: screw midterm because you’re making sure that Lee Minho’s going home in one piece.

Very timely, your phone buzzes on the wooden counter.

[10:38 AM]

lino | hey you still on campus?

three.

The blush scattered across your cheekbones just grows ten shades darker when you see Minho at the front gate leaning against his black Kawasaki; disheveled hair, hands stuffed inside his pockets, occasional puffs of smoke escaping his lips, and unbothered gaze. You’ve never told him this, you’re not telling him this now, and you’re never gonna tell him; but he looks stupidly good in that biker jacket. Again, you don’t get how someone can look this good early in the morning.

“What are you doing here?” you murmur grimly, approaching him from behind. It feels like he’s doing this to your heart on purpose, without even trying. And those girls over there are making you very uncomfortable by eyeing your roommate up and down like he’s an expensive piece of steak with a gold leaf sticking to it.

Minho turns sideways and flashes you a smile; your little heart just did a perfect cartwheel because of that, it can only take so much. “Sorry, I kinda lost track of time, but I still promised to pick you up, didn’t I?” he says casually as your face morphs into a deep frown because you’re basically confused. The only problem is: you don’t even know why you’re confused. There’s this fluttering feeling at the pit of your stomach and now you feel as though someone just gives you a blow to the head when Minho looks straight into your eyes, brows slightly knitted together.

This is not healthy.

“You didn’t answer my calls or my texts.”

Minho thinks you look cuter than usual when you’re silently fuming because you’re not the type to lash out on people. But it’s not so cute anymore when you threatened to flush his AirPods down the toilet that one time when he spilled ketchup on your carpet. He just hopes he doesn’t end up sleeping on the couch tonight like last time.

“I put my phone on silent, as always,” he reminds you of how much of a pain in the ass it is to receive a call-back or a simple reply from him.

You make a face, “Whatever, didn’t I tell you not to make a scene? Have you seen those chicks back there? They’re watching me as if I’m sabotaging their dreams of eating you alive.” Well, you can’t exactly blame your roommate for having girls gushing over him wherever he goes because...it’s his fault for looking like a snack all the time.

Minho quickly detects how you’re not overly fond of his admirers and needless to say, he’s fairly amused. “Then let them,” he puts an arm over your shoulders and pulls you flushed against him, ruffling your hair. Moments later, you’re already hearing scandalous gasps along with hushed whispers going through your eardrums like a never-ending train. It’s really setting your nerves on fire.

“Don’t you think that this is weird?”

“What?” Now it’s Minho who’s confused here.

You slightly push him away and avert your gaze elsewhere to avoid eye contact. “We’re roommates, right?” you mumble, slightly unsure about...all of this.

“Hmm, what about it?”

“Well, I don’t know…” you fiddle with the hem of your jacket and sigh. “What if people keep getting the wrong idea about us?” You sound somewhat regretful as if your decision of taking him in as your roommate was a mistake, as if you feel like it’s better off if he wasn’t in your life at all, as if the past month was completely meaningless. Since when did things become this complicated? It started with a harmless one-month contract and now Minho’s not sure of what he should do next. But that’s not it, is it? Maybe he’s just overthinking too much.

He looks hesitant for a moment there, very not-Lee-Minho of him. “We’re still cool right?” Minho tilts his head to the side, the afternoon sunlight slips through fluffs of white clouds and brings the constellations in his warm brown eyes to life. Though he looks like a scolded child, you can’t help but want to put this moment into a frame and simply cherish it for the rest of your life.

“Beats me,” you breathe out, silently hating yourself for not being able to get angry at him. It’s harder than you thought, really, and it doesn’t help when his eyes keep doing that thing to your poor little heart. “Make me pasta and we’re good,” you end up chuckling when Minho’s expression turns a solid three hundred and sixty at the offer.

“That’s not a very smart move for a business major, your loss,” he replies with a goofy smile, tossing the helmet that he got you yesterday in your direction. And if you pay attention enough, you can almost see Minho exhaling out of relief. But you’re too busy staring at the ground to douse yourself in your own giddiness to notice. “Oh crap, I think I left my wallet at Hyunjin’s,” he tells you after swinging a leg over on his shiny vehicle.

You narrow your eyes at him, “You don’t need your wallet to make me pasta now do you?”

“By the way, are you going to BamBam’s party?”

“Only if you’re going,” you scratch the bridge of your nose with your ring finger, a little embarrassed to admit that he’s the only reason why you’re ditching midterms.

Minho’s hearty laugh fills your eardrums, shit-eating grin and all. “If it makes you feel better, Chan’s driving us,” he voices without looking at you, but your chest still swells either way.

You fucking hate how you have the softest spot for him.

four.

You’re already regretting this although you’ve only been sitting in Chan’s back seats for less than twenty minutes. Crankiness takes over your body as a result of reviewing for the whole afternoon, your eyelids are getting droopy, and your head seems to be all too big for your neck at this rate. More reasons for you to not drink tonight.

“Ugh, why am I even here?” you groan, and Jisung scrunches his nose, slightly alarmed because you’re not usually this loud unless you’re high on caffeine.

Minho tells you in the most lighthearted way possible, “Because you love me.”

You wish you could just put his head through a wall because everything and anything coming out of his mouth are never healthy for your mind, or heart. “Uhm, no I don’t.”

“But you did confess your love to me,” he singsongs as if he just hit a jackpot with his lottery ticket, angling his head to toss you a wink. “I have receipts, ma’am. They’re right here, in my heart.” Minho’s never seen you so giddy before so he recorded everything, but he’s not planning on putting himself on a chopping block by telling you that.

You shove his arm and purse your lips, flaming cheeks but the car’s too dark for him to see it. “I was sick, asshole, I talk shit more when I have a fever than when I’m drunk,” you defend yourself helplessly, not enjoying the fact that he had to bring it up when you’re in a confined space with Seo Changbin and Han Jisung.

“Minho doesn’t like it when Y/N raises her voice.” Great, now he’s talking in third person.

“What are you even? Four?”

He winks at you, “Baby me, baby.”

“Oh my god shut the fuck up and get away from me!”

“You’ll never get rid of me, baby.” Eventually, you give up because you’re too mentally exhausted and there’s still a long night ahead of you. You’re not wasting your energy in pointless arguments with him because you both yell at each other on a daily basis anyway.

“Maybe he’ll zip it if you tell him that you love him,” Jisung suggests innocently with a not-so-innocent look on his face. He’s already acting dumb when he’s this fucking sober so you’re not looking forward to two hours later when vodka’s practically replaced his own blood.

“I’d rather chew off my own foot.” Changbin snorts involuntarily at your stiff remark, Chan mutters a small ‘ouch’ while Jisung’s too busy laughing his ass off. And a demeaning silence descends after that.

Minho’s right next to you, oddly unresponsive to the situation, his head leaning against your shoulder as he gazes dejectedly out the window. You don’t see how stormy his eyes are. He also misses his motorcycle tremendously because Chan’s the safest (slowest) driver to ever exist. No joke, if he keeps going at the pace of thirty miles per hour then you should just skip the party and watch a movie while getting drunk at his place altogether.

“Can you go any fucking slower?”

“Excuse me?” Chan laughs in disbelief, he’s a little offended because he personally thinks he’s a good driver, maybe a little bit too obedient when it comes to the law. Hey, at least you know you’re in good hands. “I’m not trying to get us all killed before BamBam could poison one of you guys.”

Jisung purses his lips as he’s reminded of the last party where he ran into that Thai dude. He gave him a plastic cup, telling him that it’s merely a harmless fruity vodka only for Jisung to get kicked out by an Uber driver after throwing up in the back seats. Turns out, the lemons and oranges in the cocktail were relatively spoilt.

“I’m gonna die from boredom before we could even get into a car accident,” Minho informs him unconstructively, staring at some random notifications from Instagram of people commenting on his cats’ photos, text messages from his mom and swipes them all away. Mostly to chuckle to himself like a moron because of his lock screen. Yes, your stupid face is still on there after three weeks and you don’t know if you should be crying or laughing.

Chan narrows his eyes at the rear-view mirror, “It seems like you’re entertaining yourself just fine by looking at Y/N’s face.”

“This photo does make me laugh because it’s priceless,” the younger boy states without turning his head to look at you. “But still, bored.”

The car grows silent again soon after because Chan’s already been stressed out enough from traffic since clearly, people can’t drive to save their own lives. But it’s not like your friends can keep their mouths shut for the rest of the trip anyway.

“Boreddd,” Minho voices randomly while a J.One’s song is blasting through the speaker. It’s a terribly soft song and it doesn’t help when Minho feels like he can downright sleep through an earthquake, potentially falling into an enormous crack on the Earth’s surface and still being able to nap like there’s no tomorrow. He’s just glad that Jisung grew out of ‘Wow’ and embraces his awkward self through his own music. It’s..sentimental but what’s a J.One song without that element?

Changbin looks up from his phone for half a second, wholly uninterested. “Then shut up and sleep,” he says expressionlessly. Very timely, his most recent track comes up next on the playlist and he starts rapping along with it. Minho thinks he can really use a good eye shut as SpearB is performing live right behind him because Changbin can only stay sober like this for so long until he gets his hands on one of BamBam’s sketchy-looking concoctions.

You’re starting to get bored too at this rate because usually, during times like this when the car is filled with nothing but music and everyone (except for the driver) feels like they’re falling into a food coma, a certain idiot will—

“Y/N, don’t you have a midterm on Monday?” Ah, there it is.

Jisung bends himself forward and drapes an arm over the leather seat, scrunching his nose at the sight of Minho sleeping soundly against your shoulder. He’s still bitter about the fact that Minho refuses to drive anyone other than you with his motorcycle for some reason. Exclusive things are always so annoying.

You exhale deeply because Jisung reminds you of that one kid who always asks questions that stress the hell out of the teachers back in high school. Would it kill for him to just shut up once in a while?

“I do, and I haven’t got a wink of sleep since yesterday afternoon,” you tell him rather lazily, shifting when Minho snuggles himself closer to you, his hair tickling your jawline. You pray he doesn’t know how fast your heart is beating. “A little alcohol might spare me a night of crying myself to sleep.”

Jisung lets his bottom lip stuck out like he’s a fucking five-year-old not allowed to get his favorite ice-cream flavor. “Aww, you should have asked Minho for cuddles then, pretty sure he’d be more than happy to—,” he remarks sarcastically and you wish you could just throw him in the middle of an intersection. He’s lucky because Minho’s a heavy sleeper or he would have been knocked senseless or something. The last thing Chan needs is being forced to pull over for having wild animals wrestle the shit out of each other in his vehicle.

“Hey, fuck off,” you snarl at him, knowing you should have chosen the passenger seat instead. That way, you wouldn’t be fuming inside because you can’t physically strangle Han Jisung to his imminent death. He has already tattooed that image into the back of your brain and you swear you’ve never heard a creepier chuckle from your friend.

Jisung notices the coral tint on your cheeks and sneers, leaning back against his seat. “Yeah right, as if you’re actually gonna get drunk,” he says snarkily. “You’re just gonna be there to prevent Lee Minho from making bad decisions.”

“I decided to come because Yeji wanted me-“

“Yeji who? In what world will you have time for her when you’re too busy staring at Minho like a total creep? Wanna bet ten bucks?”

That’s bullshit because Lee Minho is already your entire world.

Chan butts in, “Make that fifty.”

Changbin raises his hand, “I’d bet my Tesla.” Your friends really spelled out ‘a bunch of fucking clowns’ in bold, gigantic capital letters and you’re this close to facepalm yourself against Chan’s steering wheel. This is why you don’t go to parties with them that often because you’re stuck with cleanup duties with Seungmin until these crackheads grow out of their amateur drinking habits.

“You’re just jealous because he would rather call you an Uber than give you a lift himself,” you say pointedly and Jisung lets out the loudest, most scandalous gasp. So dramatic.

“You,” he jabs a finger at you, eyes wide in accusation. “Need a nap.”

You laugh dryly, ignoring the urge to snap a picture of his flabbergasted expression and turn it into a new meme for your group chat. “You don’t say, Han, you don’t say.”

And Changbin rolls his eyes over the moon, vividly picturing where this disastrous conversation is gonna go. Basically, he wants you to get shitfaced as soon as you step foot into BamBam’s house so he’ll have a sappy, drunk confession video to toss on Twitter tonight because Woojin just posted a picture of him with a drumstick dipped inside a glass of what looks like a watered-down Margarita. He’s highly concerned since there hasn’t been anything juicy on his feed other than his friends creeping people out with their questionable content.

“If you two don’t end up getting drunk and kiss, I’m gonna be pissed,” Changbin says casually as if it’s just an afterthought. This prompts you to chuck your phone in his direction—you can care less about your screen protector at this point if it means stopping him from taunting you further.

He asserts like a snake, “Hey, remember that time where you tripped over Kkami and totally crushed Minho under your weight?”

“I blame gravity for that.”

“But Albert Einstein said you can’t blame gravity for falling in love.”

“Who cares about Albert Einstein?!” you whisper-shout harshly, cautiously eyeing Minho’s sleeping figure. He scrunches his nose and murmurs something that you can’t quite hear before turning over to face you completely. His arms unexpectedly slip underneath yours like second nature. He furrows his eyebrows occasionally, other times he’d be grinning like an idiot and his lips are slightly agape, full eyelashes framing his eyes beautifully. Sometimes you wonder how weird his dreams are whenever you caught him talking (and cursing) in his slumber.

Changbin wants to pry aloud when you start staring at Minho for too long; he might as well be tossed on the freeway at this point before exasperation squeezes the little amount of oxygen left out of his chest. This is worse than Hyunjin’s terrible rom coms. He props his head onto his hand in boredom as Chan pulls over and turns off the engine. “Hey we’re here, why not wake your prince up with a kiss—”

“I’m gonna kick your ass,” you threaten.

Now there are two distasteful tattoos at the back of your head. And you will not hesitate for a heartbeat sacrificing the entirety of your bank account to get them removed. To get Lee Minho removed from your mind.

If only it were that easy.

“Mhmm,” the figure beside you lets out a low grunt and hugs your arm closer instinctively. His warmth seeps through the fabric of your denim jacket and sets your heart on fire. You’re ready to flick his forehead any second now to interrupt his slumber but before you could even do anything, Seo Changbin aggressively opens the door and you widen your eyes in horror. Where the fuck did he get a megaphone? And what for?

“Bitch wake up! Those drinks aren’t gonna finish themselves!”

It’d be a miracle if you ended up finding him alive by dawn.

five.

“Y/N you ass, give it back!

“No, we’ve only been here for three hours and this is your fifth cup already,” you tell her in a mildly serious tone before dumping her cup of whatever the fuck of a yellow substance that Ryujin gave her ten minutes ago into the sink.

Yeji plops herself onto the sofa in the living room after you drag her out of the kitchen where people are making out on the marble counter. Glad to see nothing’s changed...idiots. “God, you’re such a party pooper, I shouldn’t have told you to come,” she complains in between small hiccups, alcohol tinting her cheeks beet red.

“I’m here to save your ass and this is how you’re repaying me?” Your question didn’t come out as coherent and threatening as you imagined and every single cell inside your body is shaking for no specific reason.

Your friend narrows her eyes down into a mere glare like a detective in those crimes shows that you spend way too much time on and you’re debating whether you should be laughing or pissing yourself. She fucking knows that you’re lying. She fucking knows the sole reason for you to be here. “Give me a break, it’s not like you’re doing anything besides staring at your boyfriend from afar,” Yeji scoffs dejectedly.

“God forbids ‘Lee Minho’ and ‘my boyfriend’ go in the same sentence,” you grit, subconsciously averting your gaze around the living room to spot your roommate. All he’s been doing is being held back by Chan when he tried to murder Changbin once, catching up with his old friends from high school and hanging out with some of his classmates, ranting about how much he dreads Kim’s eight AM, gushing with Hyunjin over some senior’s choreography set. By the looks of it, Jisung must have handed him at least seven of those red party cups from the bar—thanks to BamBam who keeps restocking them every hour.

Yeji chuckles creepily when the alcohol finally hits her hard, you think you just got chills by the way that she’s leaning closer. “Of course not,” she hiccups into your ear, words slurred, “Lee Minho’s not my boyfriend, he’s your boyfriend.” You look at her in the eye, and mentally regret your life choices. How insufferable.

“I mean, seriously,” she slams her body back onto the couch and groans; you can’t tell if it’s out of frustration or the cushion is too soft for her back. “It’s like you’re living the life of the main protagonist in a Harry Styles fanfiction! Do you know how many girls and boys would kill to live in the same apartment as that?” Her index finger is pointed directly at the person you’ve been watching and avoiding all night, across the room with a dart in his hand as he stands in front of the dartboard.

“Were you aiming for the board or were you plotting to kill me? Because I can’t tell! I-can’t-fucking-tell!” Changbin shouts over the music and you momentarily cringe at the crack in his voice; it’s never a college party without one of your friends riling each other up over the dumbest things. And also, who thinks it’s a good idea to lend an unstable Lee Minho a sharp object of any kind?

You look away as heat flares through your nostrils when Minho accidentally glances at you after laughing at some corny joke that Chan made. He’s more than mildly hammered right now, you suppose, because, well, Chan can only make people laugh when they’re exceptionally drunk.

A stupid question then slips out of your lips. “With what?” It sounds like you only have one brain cell and are perpetually dumb. It makes you feel even dumber when there’s nothing but a can of Coke inside your body.

“A hottie who dances, cooks, has a good sense of humor, lowkey a genius, highkey a tsundere, shares a name with a famous actor. Far more handsome than the actor himself, if I dare.” Yeji has no hesitation whatsoever naming every reason as to why people on campus shamelessly throw themselves at your roommate on a daily basis. And now your head grows ten times fuzzier, floating mundanely in the clouds above. Basically, you feel like you’re drunk—except your confidence isn’t sky high enough to do something stupid—which makes no absolute sense.

The silver-haired girl next to you puts an arm around your neck and giggles, you’re highly perturbed that her vocal cords are gonna give in tomorrow when she convinces you through FaceTime that you should be extra careful with your notes since she won’t be showing up to class. “Oh! And he has three cats, right? Cat people are said to be more intuitive and thoughtful, that’s a bonus,” Yeji asserts and your jaw is on the floor at this rate. She doesn’t even spare him a second glance during lunch break and she already knows this much?

No wonder Minho never talked about his cats with Felix and Seungmin again.

“I bet you read that off a Buzzfeed article.”

“Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong!”

You inhale and exhale deeply, linking your fingers together, “Yeah, but that’s all people will ever see.”

“Well, what else can they like about him?”

“I don’t know,” you say bluntly, but the rouge on your cheeks is anything but ‘blunt’. “They don’t see how stuck-up he is, how he loves hogging the blanket all to himself, how he secretly stocks up a stash of trashy snacks. They don’t see the way his eyes sparkle when he looks into their eyes during a conversation because he’s actually a very attentive listener.”

Yeji pats your back without turning her head, slightly amused, “I think you meant how he looks into your eyes during a conversation.”

Your eyes scan the room one more time to find Minho hugging his stomach from laughing too much, there are actual tears in his eyes because Changbin just lost a bet and apparently he has to belly flop himself into the pool as a punishment. You haven’t seen him this happy in a while, even when he’s potentially dying from a really bad stomachache but it still puts your heart at ease knowing he’s having fun tonight.

Needless to say, he always knocks the breath right out of your lungs without much effort. Even when he’s ditched the leather jacket and ripped jeans, you still think no one looks better than him in a large t-shirt and sweatpants.

“But I don’t get it,” Yeji looks over at you this time, real carefully because your tone just grows firmer and more serious. “How can he just stand there, laugh...and look so beautiful?”

“I told you—”

“Yeah that’s exactly what I need to hear right now, Yeji,” you facepalm almost immediately, highly disappointed in yourself.

Jisung’s getting his ten dollars on Monday when you surprise him with two slices of cheesecake from his favorite dessert place. Changbin can keep his Tesla and Chan...Chan isn’t getting anything.

You push yourself off the blue velvet couch and groan, you’re getting sore quickly because the cushions are far too soft. “Let me get some fresh air, I feel like I’m gonna to lose my mind,” you tell your friend but you doubt that she caught it since the music is all too loud for students to communicate properly. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why fistfights during parties are a thing.

“Uhm, wait,” Yeji tugs onto your sleeve and jerks her head towards the direction of Minho. “I’m sorry but what the hell does your boyfriend want now?”

“Huh where—“

Like..three feet away. Or a whole lot closer.

“Why didn’t you answer my texts?” And you find Minho standing in front of you with his arms crossed stubbornly, eyebrows knitted together and tinted pink cheeks. He looks a little pissed off, and you don’t think you’re both on the same page here.

When you give him a ‘what do you mean’ look, your roommate feels the need to unlock his phone and jab his index finger against his poor crusty screen as he shows you at least fifty messages that he’s been spamming in the last half an hour. This reminds you of the yellow Post-It note that Minho violently smacked onto your fridge the very night when he first moved in.

‘I hereby fucking declare that if we did end up going to the same party (doubt btw), we would keep our phones with us 25/8 so one can save the other’s ass from stupid decisions— lee minho’ he wrote. Minho knows all too well the only ass that needs to be saved is his. And you’ve thought about taking the note down several times but you don’t think you’d have the heart to.

“Oh,” your head draws a blank canvas and you look for your phone in your pocket. But then, “I left my phone in Chan’s car.”

Minho rolls his eyes at you and decides that he’s too impatient to wait for Chan to sober up and remember where he left his keys. “Whatever,” he manages to crack a small smile, one that shines through the dimmed LED light on the ceiling and makes your heart stuck in your throat. “Let’s get out of here, I have something to tell you.”

“Hey hey hey,” Yeji tries to get up from the couch but her limbs are too wobbly. “You can’t just tap out all of a sudden and steal her from me like that. Don’t even think for a minute you second rate—”

“Yeah, no, she’s mine.”

You’re downright baffled. But you’re not sure if it’s because of what he said ten seconds ago and your heart is going haywire, your brain cells are giving in on you or it’s because he’s tugging you by the wrist and piloting you through the impending chaos of sloppy college students.

You’re not sure if you want to know. You’re not sure if you’re ready.

six.

Fall arrives sooner than you thought and it almost makes you miss summer. Though you didn’t really have anything exciting besides an internship that refrained you from living on YouTube for too long.

The evening is oddly cold, but you’ve never had a problem with the tips of your fingers growing chilly. It’s different tonight—it’s the kind of coldness that slips through your flesh and into your bones, coming in contact with the thumping force of your heart, causing it to shiver. There’s nothing to do but keep your gaze straight forward, your feet moving on their own with the one and only goal of heading home. Clouds with the murky color of wet ashes pass by, and the ground as its dank reflection—a reminder of how humanity is ruining the planet.

The streets are so quiet and tranquil; you’re afraid that Minho might be able to hear your heartbeat. Now you’re pointing a finger at society in accusation because it’s the weekend yet no elder couples are taking their night strolls, no middle-aged ladies in fluffy jackets are walking their spoiled teacups dogs and no wasted college students are roaming the streets with ‘trouble’ spelled out on their forehead. Really, you’d rather stare at people in a creepy way and zone out than constantly thinking about Lee Minho when he’s right beside you.

This is terribly suffocating and you don’t think if you can keep this up in the next thirty minutes until both of you get home and melt into the comfort of your bed.

“Sober up, Mister Celebrity, that’s too much fun for tonight.” Minho winces slightly when you press a can of cold green tea against his cheeks as he’s about to doze off on the wooden bench next to the vending machine. While he’s taking a swig, you feel a silent obligation to take a seat but your eyes are determinedly fixed on the curb.

The bench suddenly feels far too big and the night breeze is far too cold for Minho’s liking, so he shifts his body closer, fingers brushing over yours and sending electricity down your spine. “What do you mean?” he scoffs, finding it hard to not look at you so his gaze is temporarily glued onto the can of green tea in his palms. “Tonight was nothing compared to Jisung’s birthday.” He can still feel the remaining warmth from your hands, it makes him wonder how it’d feel to actually hold them.

“Ugh, god,” you shake your head in disbelief, internally cringing. “Don’t even remind me.”

You still don’t know what Hyunjin fed him that day to the point he couldn’t remember what happened. All hell broke loose Felix posted a video of him pretending to be a stupid ostrich and trying to do a mating dance towards Jisung on Twitter. No one dares to talk about that scarred video since. Now that he’s reminded you of it, you wish you didn’t own brain cells in the first place. This is why the internet is scary.

“What is it that you wanted to tell me anyway?”

Minho stops for a second at your question and places his beverage down on the bench. He stares distantly at the space ahead as if he’s fighting with himself inside his own head, seriously contemplating something. It’s come to your attention that this isn’t very like his usual self. Minho never hesitates for a second when he has something in mind. Even when he knows that you might rip his head off.

He exhales deeply, turns his head, and makes direct eye contact with you for what seems like an eternity. His eyes are as wide open and honest as a child’s, they possess something so much more the longer you stare at them. A warmth, safety. Your heart is gonna combust if he doesn’t get this over with soon.

Then, “I think I forgot to put yeast in the batter.” Wait what?

“Minho!” you punch his arm, earning a low grunt from the blond-haired boy. “Don’t fucking scare me like that!” He’s looking at you as though your eyes are turning red with rage and smoke is coming out of your ears, scared for his own life but truthfully, you’re just relieved. Surprisingly.

“Wait, so you’re not mad?” he asks you with a wide-eyed expression, trying way too hard to keep a straight face. “Aren’t we supposed to bring homemade bread for the get together at the nursing home tomorrow?”

“Old people still enjoy Bingo for some reason, they can have that instead of bread.” His mouth forms a small ‘o’ as he scoots closer to you and you can tell that he reeks off alcohol, which is making you a little dizzy. When your gaze falls elsewhere but Lee Minho, you attempt to appear casual, “But if you wanna bake so badly, I can still pull an all-nighter and start over with you.” That was doable, but you could have done better—should have sounded like you didn’t really care.

Minho flings his bangs away from his face and tosses his head back, chuckling breathlessly. “Don’t you have a midterm to stress over instead of me? I don’t want you to pick out every single strand of hair on your head after baking with me.” He finally said something nice once in a while, you sorta appreciate it. “It’d be embarrassing when my parents FaceTime me and see you as bald as my great grandfather.” Nevermind, he’s still the same old jerk.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed, you’ll be moving out in two weeks, either way, right?” Your tone sounds sad and grim all of a sudden; it really dampens the atmosphere because Minho is now looking at you with concern laced in his brown eyes. “Look, I get that it’s bothersome to be my roommate so there’s no need to feel bad. I’ll be fine going back to my old life where my feet don’t get cold in the middle of the night because no one would be there to hog the blanket anymore.”

Minho feels the need to clear things up here. “I never said anything about moving out,” he grabs you by the shoulders and hopes you could just look at him when he’s being serious for once. “Y/N, who even said anything about moving out? Was it the landlord?”

“No,“ you say, still not willing to face him directly. You’re such a coward.

“If so, why would I move out? Did I do something wrong? Did I piss you off or something?”

You’re trying so hard not to snap at this point. “No!”

“Then why can’t you just fucking look at me?!”

“You’re still drunk, let me buy you another—“

Minho shakes you forcefully, hoping to knock some common sense into that brain of yours. “For fuck’s sake, I’m not drunk!” he cries helplessly, not caring about the fact that he’s waking up every cat possible in the neighborhood. “Just- just look at me, will you?”

You stubbornly keep your eyes anywhere but him. “Why would I look at your stupid face?”

“Don’t bullshit me, Y/N. You’re not usually like this.”

Every single cell inside your body quivers simultaneously when he says so—good god, no, he’s testing you. Minho knows something’s off. Now to think about it again, you’d rather let him dirty your carpet than being put on trial like this.

“You wanna know why I’m acting like this? It’s because of you! You’re making me nervous! It’s your fault for making me feel this way!”

“What?” he blurts, eyes blinking numerous times in disbelief. “What did I ever do to you?”

“God, Minho, you can’t possibly be this dense. Tell me, that you’ve never, not even once, seen me turning beet red when you simply look at me in the eye. Or when you’re just sitting there, laughing your ass off about something stupid. It makes my heart flutter, okay? You make my heart flutter. Do you know how much of an effect you can have on me? You don’t go around juggling with others’ feelings like that,” your voice grows smaller and smaller towards the end until there’s nothing but an oddly comfortable silene floating midair. A sense of relief washes over you; you unknowingly exhale.

Minho stares at you in awe for a moment there, until he also speaks up for himself. “Maybe you should take your own advice,” he almost snickers, and this causes you to peel your gaze away from a random bush to gawk at his response. “You’re telling me to not go around juggling with others’ feelings? If anything, you’re the one who keeps messing with my heart. What am I supposed to do? Not get drunk so that I won’t be able to get away for doing dumb things?”

“What dumb things?”

“I don’t know, kiss you?”

“Fuck, you can’t get away with it this time now, can you?”

You’re already regretting this and there’s no turning back. Because when Minho subconsciously runs his tongue over his bottom lips, you’re already fighting the rouge spreading on your cheekbones. He shortens the distance between your heads until your lips are practically a breath away from his. Impatient, you grab a fistful of his shirt to smash your lips against his. Minho stays frozen for a nanosecond, taken aback by your boldness before pulling you closer by the waist. You’re hesitant at first, but he guides you through it, telling you that it’s okay by embracing you more tightly. Dear god, Minho’s kissing you and the world just falls away. It’s slow, comforting in ways that words can never be. He slackens his jaw to deepen the kiss, smiling into it when giddiness bubbles up inside his stomach.

The world still feels like it’s spinning when he parts away, an alcoholic taste mixed with the green tea ghosts your lips, and your face grows ten times hotter. Even in this cracked darkness, Minho sees you blush hard and is fully aware that his cheeks are mirroring yours—he doesn’t even bother to convince himself that it’s from the alcohol, because it isn’t.

“Why aren’t you saying anything?” Minho questions though his breath is still a bit shaky from the kiss. He really didn’t lie when he said that he could never stop bothering you.

You can’t help but smile at him brightly; this causes his heartbeat to spike inside his chest. “Well, do I have to?” He shakes his head and stares down at your hands until he musters up every strand of courage left to finally intertwine them with his own. Fits like a glove.

“Come on, let’s go home,” he tells you softly, eyes crinkling into a pretty crescent moon shape. But you stop him right there when he attempts to stand up and wordlessly lean your forehead against his. Minho understands that you simply need a moment so you both hover right there, simply melting into each other’s touch. But what you say next just makes the ignited passion inside his heart flare-up. He’s at a loss for words, utterly speechless.

“I am home.”

“Welcome home then, Y/N,” Minho whispers.

Everything feels like a dream that you’d never want to wake up from. His hands are clasped on either side of your face, resting just below the lobes of your ears. His thumbs gently caress your cheeks so that you won’t drift away, your breaths mingling. Never before has your own name made your heart flutter. But you guess it’s only because Minho said it. You do know that it’s not an afterthought, nor out of impulse. It’s a promise, for whatever’s coming your way on this path, he’s never gonna leave you behind. And the moment he feels that thing beating inside his chest is in sync with yours, he slowly leans in again.

Albert Einstein once said you can’t blame gravity for falling in love. And you have every right to argue with him in the afterlife because you’ve confirmed that Minho is your gravity. Gravity keeps you grounded, always get a hold of you so that you won’t ever have to wander off too far away. It’s there for you but it doesn’t have to act like it cares. Minho’s kinda like that too—he picked you up every time you said you’re good walking home, he only stocked up the stash of candies to secretly feed your midnight cravings. They only differ so much where his heartbeat for you is loud, undaunted and he loves you fearlessly; nothing shall meddle with his feelings for you as long as the way your eyes light up when they meet his doesn’t change.

Before you met Minho, you didn’t know that it was possible to just look at someone and smile for no reason. The way his lips curl up when he smiles, his sarcastic remarks, his kindhearted nature though he’s awfully good at hiding it. That’s what people do when they’re in love, they say—to fawn over the littlest things but they’re what makes you fall so hard for him. But as time passes by, you’ve learned that it’s actually quite nice to be in love with someone. Because then, you get to spend your time and effort on their happiness as well, not just your own. In exchange, that person is capable of bringing colors to your dull world, tearing down your walls, and showing you just how beautiful life can be. Surely, Minho might not stay by your side forever in this crazy game of Monopoly but you’d risk it all for him even if the sky comes crashing and the universe turns upside down.

After all, you can’t love alone.

#stayshub #skzwritersclub #stray kids lee know #stray kids scenarios #lee know imagines #stray kids imagines #lee know scenarios #stray kids minho #minho roommate au #minho college au #lino fic #lee minho #lee know #college au #roommate au

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just-jordie-things · 4 years

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Secret Muse - Richie Tozier

word count: 4308 warnings: swearing, mentions of sex summary: (y/n) and Richie have been secretly going out for a while now... and it was fun at first, but it was getting pretty hard to hide their feelings as they grew into something more.

___

Click.

Richie’s brow furrowed a bit, and his nose twitched as he could see a bright light behind his closed eyes.

He brushed it off, and went back to resting, but then he heard that sound again.

Click.

And this time when the bright light flashed, he peeked an eye open, finding (y/n) sitting up at his side, camera in hand.

“What the hell are you doin’?” He mumbled sleepily, while she eagerly waited for the polaroid photo to print out.

“Nothing” She drew out the word, eyes focused on the black film of the photo, wanting to see the image appear.

He pushed himself upwards, to sit semi-properly on the bed. He had a way of sprawling out over the girl’s bed, the boy was all limbs. Not that she ever minded, she loved having him in her space. All to herself.

“Doesn’t look like nothing” Richie says, one arm wrapping around her waist, while his other hand snatches the photo out of her hand.

“Don’t ruin it!” She shrieks, taking it back gently from his hand.

Richie rolls his eyes at her, but his smile is affectionate as he looks at the picture.

“Now, why would you want a picture of me sleeping?” He asks, snorting at the photo that appeared on the polaroid. He then presses a kiss to her cheek, nose pressed up against her face. “You gonna start stalking me or something?” He whispers, and she lets out a small giggle.

“Oh, babe, we’re well past that, don’t you think?” She teases, turning to chastely kiss his lips. “Besides, I want something of just you. You’re my muse”

He smirks, leaning in with that look in his eyes- she’d been going out with him for a few months now, and she’d known him since they were kids, so she knew that look.

“You know you can have any of me any time of day, right baby-?”

“Yeah yeah,” (y/n) whacks her hand against his shoulder. “Unless anyone else is around” She says in a mumble.

See, Richie and (y/n) had decided when they first started going out, to keep it to themselves. They knew their friends would get weird about it, and thought it was best, for the both of them, to just explore their new feelings without other people stuffing their opinions in their faces.

At first it was perfect, it was kind of fun to sneak around, and hide in plain sight. But now she just wanted to be with him whenever she wanted. She wanted to hold his hand at school and cuddle up to him during movie nights. She just wanted to be completely his, and not just when they were in private.

“What’re you thinkin’ about, pretty girl?” Richie asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

Despite the blush on her face, she gave him a sad sort of smile, before shaking her head.

“Just you” She says sweetly, before leaning in closer to kiss him.

“You’re a sap, baby” He murmurs, stealing another kiss.

“Yeah, I know” (y/n) whispers back, and drops her camera and photos so she can run her fingers through his mop of curls.

She lets out a soft sigh, before wrapping her arms around his neck, and laying back with him on the bed. Richie wasted no time in embracing her, holding her tight against his chest.

“You gonna nap with me now?” He asked softly.

She nods her head, and cuddles further against him, happily.

The problem now was that she was falling for him, and it was getting harder to hide that. ___

It wasn’t until the next day at school that she felt these nerves build up again. She wondered if waiting too long to tell their friends would look bac, or if they’d be upset with her for hiding this for so long, or if-

“If you keep thinking so hard, your head’s gonna pop right off, you know that, right?”

She almost jumped in the air when Richie appeared next to her in the hall, seemingly out of nowhere. He chuckled at her reaction, walking with her to her locker.

“Jesus, babe, calm down, what’s going on?”

“Nothing” She says quickly, shaking her head, and giving him a bright, but forced, smile.

Richie was an idiot, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew she was getting worked up over something.

“Come on (y/n/n), don’t bullshit me,” He says softly, and leans against the wall of lockers while she puts in the combination to hers. “What’s wrong?” His hand reaches out to hers, but she pulls away before he can take it.

“Really, Rich, nothing, I’m just tired, okay?”

He knows she’s still lying, and right to his face no less, but he drops it.

She doesn’t say anything else as she gets her things for first period. He waits for her to say something, literally anything, but she’s dead silent, until the bell rings.

“Gotta go” She says quickly, barely looking at him, before heading off. She didn’t even give him a chance to speak. ___

“Hey,” Richie whispers to Bill at some point in the middle of class. “Has (y/n) said anything to you? Um, about me?”

Bill’s eyebrows furrow as he looks back at his friend.

“No?” He responds, confused by the question. “W-why?”

“I don’t know… she just… was weird this morning-”

“Y-you probably annoyed h-her” Bill responds.

Richie shakes his head.

“But I didn’t do anything-”

“Sure,” Bill chuckles. “W-why do y-you care a-anyway?”

He doesn’t say anything, just stares down at his notebook, while Bill studies him curiously.

“O-oh, please d-don’t tell me th-that you h-have a c-crush on (y/n). W-what, are y-you secretly i-in love w-with her?”

A bit too late for that, Richie thinks to himself.

“No- I just-”

“Oh m-my god, you a-are” Bill says, and then lets out a groan that makes Richie grimace.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He asked.

“Mister Tozier,” Scolds their Calculus teacher, “Is there something you’d like to share with the class?”

“No, Miss Scottsdale-”

“Well then how about we watch our language, hm?” The woman asked, hands on her hips. “Now zip the lip, and take the notes, please”

After a few minutes of taking notes, and keeping his head down so he didn’t get sent to the principal’s office for the third day in a row, he turned to Bill again, this time with an annoyed and expectant look on his face, silently asking why he’d reacted so horribly.

“O-obviously it’s not a g-good idea, Richie,” Bill says to him quietly. “It’s (y/n)... sh-she’s our f-friend”

“And?” Richie shakes his head, his heart on a slow plummet to his stomach.

“And it w-wouldn’t work,” Bill chuckles at the mere idea of Richie and (y/n) being together. “Y-you’re polar o-opposites”

Richie stares down at his empty notebook, and tried to shove the disappointment he felt way, way down. He shouldn’t be so upset, he knows that Bill’s wrong, because he and (y/n) do work. They work really well.

But it still sucks to hear from his best friend that he didn’t think they were a good fit.

“R-really, not a g-good fit, l-like at all, it w-would n-never-”

“Okay I fucking get it”

“Tozier! Office, now!”

He didn’t even care at that point, just grabbed his bag and books and bee-lined for the door. ___

(y/n) had been stuck on the same essay prompt for the past two hours. She’d come straight home from school, sat down at her desk to get to work on her english project, and she hadn’t come up with one good idea for it.

She knew why. Any other day, she could get to work and write the whole essay in one sitting. But her mind was preoccupied, and unfortunately, this thing with Richie that she was in was taking up every thought in her brain.

He must have somehow known too, because next thing she knew, there was a knock on her window, and Richie Tozier himself was climbing in before she could even invite him.

“Richie,” The relief in her voice came out in a sigh as she stood up from her desk to walk over to him. “You could’ve come in the front door, my parents aren’t home-”

Before she could even finish talking, he was wrapping his arms around her waist and leaning down to kiss her. It was quick, but his lips were soft against hers. She’s smiling against his lips, and she’s still smiling when he pulls away.

“Well hello to you too,” She murmurs, giggling nervously. “What was that for?”

“I just missed you today,” He mumbles, a content smile growing on his lips. “And I was worried about you”

“Worried about me?” She asks, tilting her head to the side. “Why?”

“I just knew you were kinda… um… off this morning, and I- I wanted to make sure you’re feeling alright…” He licks his lips before continuing, “And feeling alright… about us…”

Her lips quirked up into a smile, and she laughed again, this time more genuinely. Not because he was funny, but because he was so cute, and it was sweet that he came to check up on her.

“I’m okay, Rich,” She hums. “This morning was nothing, you’ve got nothing to worry about”

He grins, pulling her closer, one of his hands reaching up to cradle the back of her head. His fingers stroked through her hair for a moment, before tangling themselves in the roots and he spoke up again.

“You still like me and all that shit?” He asks, voice softer than she’d expected.

“Somehow, yes,” She teases. “Of course, Rich,”

She leans up on the tips of her toes to press a reassuring kiss against his lips.

“You wanna stay over and watch a movie?”

He grins, nodding his head, and forgetting all about Bill’s stupid opinions for a minute. And when she fell asleep curled up in his lap on the couch, he decided it didn’t matter what Bill thought- or what any of their friends might think. He loved her so much that he thought his heart might explode if he looked at her any longer.

She always insisted that she wouldn’t fall asleep if they cuddled. But then he’d start to feel her body slumping into his more, her head lying on his shoulder or his lap. Then she’d request a back rub or a blanket and she’d be done for. Out like a light.

Richie never minded. He thought it was adorable that she’d get too cozy and drift off in his arms. Her head was lying in his lap, legs curled up to preserve her own heat, and her arms tucked between her chest and his stomach. Tonight, neither one of them wanted to move to get her a blanket, so Richie had shrugged off his jacket and laid it over her instead.

Looking at her now, he hoped she’d never want to get up, because he didn’t want to either.

“I can feel you staring at me,” She mumbles. Her eyes don’t open, she’s still half asleep, but she just knows that he’s staring at her. She can feel them boring holes into her. “What’cha thinkin’ about, babe?”

Her hand reaches out towards his shirt, fisting the material.

“How pretty you are” He answers without missing a beat.

Always a charmer, (y/n) thinks as she lets out a short chuckle.

“Mhm,”

She looks up at him, eyes meeting his in an unamused stare.

“You’re pretty too,” She says, and smacks her lips in a playful air-kiss. “Now come on, what’s goin’ on?”

He sighs, and reaches down to run a hand through her hair. He does this a few times before finally speaking up. She almost could’ve fallen back asleep.

“I just had a… a weird conversation with Bill,” He says, and she nods for him to go on. “He just said some shit and it was annoying is all-”

“What’d he say?” She asked, leaning back on his legs to look up at him better. “You guys didn’t fight, did you?”

“No, not really anyways, but he-”

“Richie-”

“He said we’re not a good fit” Richie said quickly, before he could get too nervous.

“What?” (y/n) blinked, eyes going wide. “Did you tell him about us?”

“N-no, I just- see, he has this idea that I have a crush on you-”

“And you don’t have a crush on me?” She asks playfully, earning an eye roll from the boy.

“But he was really weird about it, (y/n/n). He said it would never work”

(y/n) frowns, not because Bill had said something so blatantly idiotic, but because Richie was clearly very hurt by it.

“Richie,” She giggles, and her brows knit together. “That’s nothing you have to worry about,”

She sits up in his lap, one of her hands brushing sweetly over his cheek, the other placed on his shoulder to keep her balanced.

“Don’t ever tell him I said this,” She whispers, “But he’s dumb,”

Richie snorts, and shakes his head at her.

“I’m serious, Rich, look at us,” She murmurs, thumb tracing over his cheekbone in the gentlest of ways.. “We’re a perfect fit,” She tells him, voice growing even softer as she looks him in the eyes. “Bill doesn’t know what he’s talking about”

This makes him crack a smile- she’s so sugary sweet he swears she’s gonna give him cavities, or Type Two- but that would be alright by him.

“You’re right,” He hums, eyes lazily wandering the features of her face. “We are perfect”

She giggles again, nodding as she leans in closer.

“How much more time do you need before you realize I’m always right?” She teases. “Besides, Bill wouldn’t have said such a silly thing had he known the truth, you know that,” She reminds him. “And, even if he was dumb enough to think that, I don’t care,”

Her eyes are soft, and focused on his so intently that all his worries disappear with her gaze. It’s a superpower she has, he thinks, because no one and nothing else could work a magic like that on him.

“Because I really like you, and I really like being with you, even if it’s just for a couple hours a week”

She gives him a timid smile, but when he grins back at her it grows.

One of his arms wraps around her back to pull her flush against his chest, and his free hand cradles her cheek to bring her face closer to his.

“Why are you so goddamn cute?” He murmurs, lips barely brushing over hers as she speaks.

She wastes no more time as she closes the distance between them, slanting her lips over his delicately. Her fingers spread over his cheek as she leans fully against him so that the kiss could last as long as possible- unfortunately, they need air eventually.

When they do, she nuzzles her nose against his affectionately.

There’s three words that her brain and her heart are collectively screaming at her to say, but they catch in her throat, and her nerves force her to swallow them.

Another time, maybe.

She doesn’t know that Richie is dealing with the same struggle. His anxiety gets the best of him as well, and he settles for holding her a little bit tighter and kissing her again. Which will certainly do for now. ___

It takes him a week to muster up the courage, and he knows just what to do.

(y/n) had just left lunch, and the class she had after was the only class she had without one of the Loser’s in it. She didn’t know how she got so unlucky to be in the class by herself, but Richie had known it was the only time she was alone, so it was the perfect time to plant it.

She went to her locker, dropping off her books from her previous class, and replacing them with the next one. It wasn’t until she moved to close the locker door that she noticed it.

It was a polaroid, taped onto the inside of the door.

A picture she surprisingly hadn’t taken, but she couldn’t have, because she was asleep in the photo. Passed out on Richie’s chest, who was very awake. There was a bright grin on his lips, and she could see that he’d wrapped one arm around her to keep her secure against him, while the other was outstretched above them with the camera angled downwards to snap the photo.

The picture alone was enough to make her whole day- hell, her whole week. It was the sweetest thing she’d ever seen. But it was what he’d scribbled below it that made it perfect.

I love you.

She knew just from the neat letters that he’d carefully written it, since it wasn’t in Richie’s usual chicken scratch.

Carefully, she pulled the photo off of the door, smiling uncontrollably as she stared at it, wanting it glued to her memory.

With only a few minutes left before class, she held it to her chest, before sticking it back on the door, and shutting it safely inside her locker.

The smile on her face lasted the entire day. ___

The next time she saw Richie was two days later.

The Losers had all gotten together for a night of video games and junk. Ben had just gotten the new Atari, so they found themselves clumped together in his living room, hogging the game and the couch cushions.

It was the first time that (y/n) found it incredibly hard not to throw herself at Richie. She was typically pretty good at controlling herself, or at least talking herself down. But she’d never felt something so strong, and she just wanted to tell him she loved him and kiss him senseless.

That was pretty reasonable, she thought.

“So, Richie” Stan speaks up with a snicker, and the look in his eyes already has Richie annoyed.

“What?” he mutters back, casting a momentary glance towards his girlfriend, who’s standing between the kitchen and the living room.

She’d been lingering there while there were pizzas in the oven, walking into the room occasionally to watch her friends play games and cheer them on.

“Bill told me about your crush” Stan continues, and it appears that Bill told everyone, because now there are six pairs of eyes on him, waiting for his response.

“Take a fuckin picture,” He grumbles. “And Stan, why don’t you cut the eleven-year-old-girl-drama, it’s not a good look on you”

“You’ve got a crush?” Beverly speaks up, eyes lighting up with excitement, because finally something interesting with one of these boys happened.

“He does!” Ben says before Richie has the chance to speak for himself.

(y/n), who’s still standing just a few feet away from the drama, is silent. She knows that even if she tried to jump in and save him, it would only get worse. So when he looked at her subtly, she gave the smallest of shrugs, as though to tell him to do whatever he wanted.

“Yeah,” Richie sighs in defeat. “I do”

“On who?” Beverly questions him again, and he doesn’t bother saying anything, because almost everyone is eager to tell her.

“(y/n)!”

They must have all shouted it at once, and then each of them turned to the girl mentioned, as though waiting for her reaction, which she doesn’t give them. She remains still, and quiet. Her eyes do travel to Richie, however, who’s rolling his eyes incredibly far back into his head.

Stan starts to laugh, which makes Bill start to laugh as well. The others give a few chuckles and giggles, but it’s not the same, and Richie knows it.

They’re laughing at him, and it drives him crazy.

He waits for them to stop, giving them both death glares before looking to (y/n), who’s nervously staring down at the floor, lost as to what to do to fix this awkward situation.

“You know what?” Richie speaks up, and he shoots straight out of his seat. The laughing doesn’t cease, but he doesn’t care. “Fuck you. Fuck both of you,”

The boys are wiping tears from their eyes as Richie whirls around, hurdling over the back of the couch to cross the room to (y/n).

“And fuck this, I’m tired of not getting to do this all the time” He says, surprising her and everyone else in the room when he cups her face in his hands and passionately kisses her.

A short squeak of astonishment dies in the back of her throat as she melts into the kiss, and soon she’s delightedly wrapping her arms around his neck to keep him at her level so that she can continue kissing him.

Richie seemed to want to give their friends a show, anyways.

He pulls away all too soon, letting out a dramatic sigh of relief.

“I’m fucking in love with her, okay?” He says to the others. “There. Now you know. We’re all on the same page now”

No one says anything, shell-shocked by what had just happened in front of them. Richie was proud to see so many jaws on the floor.

(y/n) reaches out to take his chin in her fingers, turning his head back to look at her.

“I love you too,” She whispered with a smile. “I tried to tell you the other night- last week- I just, um, was too scared” She tells him sheepishly.

“Me too,” he chuckles, and pushes a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

Their friends are still wordlessly watching the scene before them.

“Did you like the picture though? I thought that was a pretty damn good idea”

“It was,” (y/n) laughs. “I loved it, it’s still there, I’ll keep it for-”

“I’m sorry,” Mike is the first to come to his senses. He’s pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand, like it’s physically troubling him to process this. “Are you two dating?”

(y/n) and Richie share a sheepish look before nodding back at him.

“Y-you were t-together th-this whole t-time?” Bill asks. “Richie, I- I’m so s-sorry-”

“I know man, it’s alright,” Richie says dismissively. “You didn’t know we were perfect for each other. Really though, her mouth fits perfect around-”

“Beep beep!” (y/n) shrieks, swatting at his stomach before he can even think about finishing that sentence.

Not that he has to. The smirk on his face speaks for itself.

“I- I have so many questions,” Eddie shakes his head. “Number one, why? And number two, (y/n), blink twice if he’s making you go out with him against your will”

“Jesus Christ Eds” Richie grumbled, but (y/n) finds it hilarious.

“How long have you been dating?” Ben asks, smiling between the unexpected pair.

“Five and a half months” Richie answers, because (y/n) is still laughing. He wraps his arms around her tight and pushing her face into his chest to muffle the laughing.

“So, uh, is it always gonna be like this now?” Stan asks, a cringe taking over his face that he tried to hide, but he couldn’t help it.

“Yep!” Richie announces, squeezing (y/n) tighter when she tries to shuffle out of his arms. “You’re just gonna have to suck it up and deal with it”

“Yeah, I managed to, you guys can too” (y/n) says, voice muffled in his sweatshirt.

“Would you shut the fuck up please?” He muttered down to her. “You’re makin’ me look bad”

“So you guys are like…” Mike glances to the others before continuing, “Full on married”

“How did we not notice?” Eddie mumbles.

“Richie’s surprisingly good at keeping his hands to himself” (y/n) answers with a grin, and this time it’s his turn to whack her in the shoulder.

The oven beeps then, and finally he lets her out of his hold to go get the pizzas.

“I honestly… can’t believe it” Beverly says once (y/n’s) gone.

“Yeah… (y/n)? Going out with you?” Eddie adds with a snicker.

“I mean, how did you even-”

“Actually, she asked me out” Richie says, before anyone else can say anything.

That seems to throw them for a loop again, and he just laughs as he walks into the kitchen after his girlfriend, leaving his friends to discuss just how the hell this all happened.

“Having fun?” (y/n) hums while she’s slicing up the pizzas on the kitchen counter. She sends Richie a smile over her shoulder for a moment.

He leans in from behind her to swiftly press a kiss to her cheek, before sitting on the counter next to her.

“Oh yeah,” He answers. “Especially now that I get to do that whenever I want”

She grins, and he takes one of the slices of pizza.

“So, are you gonna tell them that you begged me to go out with you, or…?”

“Nope. I’m just gonna fuck with them a little bit. They’re already going nuts out there”

She laughs, nodding her head. She expected no less from him.

“Alright dummy, help me carry these out” She says, holding a pan of sausage pizza out for him.

“Oh, I see, you want a big sausage pizz-”

“No- nope,” She shoved a hand over the boy’s mouth. “I want you to help me take these out to the living room” (y/n) says, before nodding her head for him to get moving.

“Fine, babe,” Richie sighs rather theatrically, and slides off the counter. “Maybe later then?”

She giggles, and pushes his shoulders so he’ll walk faster.

“Maybe”

___

xoxo ~ jordie

#it 2017 #it 2019 #richie tozier #richie tozier x reader #richie tozier scenario #richie tozier imagine #richie tozier fanfiction #finn wolfhard #finn wolfhard x reader

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cowboyshit · 3 years

Text

PART THREE OF ?

Previously: one, two Ship: Hangman Adam Page x Female OC (Hazel Baker) x Matt Jackson Summary: Rodeo/Cowboy AU - And just like that, fate has brought Hazel back to none other than Adam Page. Though last time they’d crossed paths he’d seemed eager to be rid of her company, Adam confesses the truth in his feelings for her and admits that he hasn’t forgotten her this entire time they’ve been apart. But now Hazel has serious feelings for Adam’s close friend, Matt... yet even she can’t deny that she has an indescribable connection with Adam that just can’t be ignored. Rating: explicit Length: 30,074 words Warnings: unprotected sex x2, angst, characters being idiots and not communicating their feelings properly... oh also probably some gratuitous horse knowledge no one cares about. you know, the usual.

author’s note: I wanted to get out this next part out as a holiday gift for all you amazing people who have been so encouraging about this series. I honestly can’t tell you how much your comments mean to me and how much pride and joy I feel at every little like or reblog or interaction with this fic series. At the start of 2020 I told myself this would be the year I finally wrote something that got to 50k words. I am proud to say with this installment Starlight is currently at 68k words, surpassing my goal. Hell, maybe it’s taken me an entire year to write it, but still, I did it! Now my next goal for 2021? Actually finish a story for once - this story. I have the outline planned and I can’t begin to explain to all of you how much your support and encouragement keeps me going to get the rest of this story out there. Anyways! Long note out of the way, I just want to sincerely thank you guys for your support of this fic series. It really means the world to me. Oh also - yeah... things are about to get VERY messy in this fic.

He hadn’t stopped thinking about her.

Four months. Sixteen weeks. After barely an evening of talking, if even. After inches away from a kiss, never quite knowing what that touch would have felt like. Something told him – kept telling him – it would have been life-changing. Some nights he was grateful he didn’t know; some nights it tormented his sleep, left him kicking and twisting as he turned this way and that, grunting in irritation as he wished sleep would be a reprieve from her memory.

Prone to worrying, there were times he wondered if he was building her up into something she wasn’t. Maybe she wasn’t as pretty as he remembered her being. A soft, round face; brown eyes that he could almost guarantee must be covered by a film of gold in the sunlight; silky, dark brown hair that made his fingers itch like mad to curl around and comb through; a body that begged for his palms to frame the natural pinch of her hips; a smile that made him catch his breath, that made him feel like the leading man in one of those old romance movies his mama used to watch.

No, she was beautiful, though it wasn’t her physical beauty that clung her to his memory. It was that feeling of being with someone he suddenly wasn’t afraid to talk with, who he willingly found himself opening up to before he remembered he hated opening up to people. The way he couldn’t stop smiling every time their eyes met, as though their souls shared a secret.

Maybe she would have stopped haunting him, were it not nearly every weekend he heard her name. He should have been prepared for the consequence of bowing out to Matt’s interest in her, but he wasn’t. Couldn’t be. Nothing like this had ever happened to him. As Matt talked about her at the rodeos with his brother, with Kenny, it was nothing pointed or directed specifically at Adam. If anything, it seemed Matt forgot altogether there’d been an energy between Hazel and Adam, and Nick seemed to never broach the subject of how close Adam had been with her when he found them.

But sometimes when Matt laughed on the phone with her after a run, and Adam’s fingers tightened on whatever he was holding, Nick would look at him and it almost seemed sympathetic. Maybe Adam was projecting. Maybe he just wanted someone to know the pain he was quietly suffering, not understanding how to see himself through it, adding to the pile of other anxieties and circling thoughts that spun around and around inside his head every day. At any rate, Nick would always side with his brother, time and time again. So why would he feel bad for Adam?

It’ll go away eventually. That’s what he kept telling himself. You’re just lonely. It’d been awhile. He kept to himself, but even he was only human, even he felt an aching need for companionship here and again, however temporary. Go to a bar, get drunk, find someone to hook-up with. You’ll forget about her soon. It would work, but only for a night, and only because he drank enough to forget everything but his name. Sometimes he even forgot that. He’d be left with the lingering feeling of thinking he was some sort of ass, going out and using another person for his personal vice like they were something disposable for him and had no thoughts or feelings of their own. Everyone said he was such a good person, but how could he be when he did things like that?

It’ll go away…

Then, like magic, there she was. Standing not but four feet in front of him. Breathing the same air as him.

And God, her brown eyes did look softly glittered in gold as the sun hit them. He sucked in a sharp breath and blinked, breaking through the surface from dream into reality.

“Hi,” she said, and her voice was soft. Her eyes danced between his and he would have given anything to know what she was thinking. He wanted to reach out, put his hands on hers and pull her in toward him so he could cover her lips with his and finally know what she tasted like.

“Hello,” he said.

Something shifted in his peripherals and hit him like a splash of cold water. He jerked and glanced to his left, seeing a woman he didn’t recognize watching them with a peculiar expression across her face.

It seemed Hazel did the same.

“Oh!” She gasped, startled, “Adam, this is my friend, Rosie.”

Rosie’s red-painted lips spread into a smile and there seemed a light in her eyes as she walked forward to accept his handshake. “The Adam?” She asked, with a tone that clearly indicated she’d heard about him before. Clearly from Hazel.

“Uh, I guess that must be me? Adam Page.” He supplied with a small, awkward laugh and hoped his cheeks weren’t too hot. “Rosie, it’s a pleasure.” He glanced from Rosie to Hazel before he’d even slipped his fingers from their cordial handshake. She’d talked about him. What had she said?

Probably that he was an ass, considering their last interaction together.

Somewhere among his racing thoughts he found the manners he’d been raised with. “My friend Adam is over by the arena, if you want to wait with him while I take Hazel to look at the horses and see which one she wants to ride first.” He didn’t need to separate them; Rosie could easily come along with Hazel too.

But he wanted – no, needed – to talk to Hazel alone.

“Your friend's name is Adam too?” Hazel asked, and he heard a brief note of amusement in her tone. “Doesn’t that get a little confusing?”

“Sometimes,” he laughed. “If it makes it easier, you can call him ‘Hey asshole’ too, he’ll probably answer to it.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Rosie said as he directed her down the path toward the arena, where they’d meet in a moment and then, finally, he and Hazel were alone. He glanced down at her profile and felt the knot in his stomach tighten. He swallowed thick, Adam’s apple bobbing, and cleared his throat a little weakly.

“The horses are this way,” he said, voice trailing off. It clearly wasn’t what he wanted to say, but he was struggling with where to even begin. Maybe he would sort himself out on the walk through the barn to where he’d left the first prospect in crossties. Hazel fell in step beside him and he watched her get distracted taking his property in. Did she like it? He looked around where her eyes were falling and wondered what she was noticing. He loved his home; it was the sanctuary he had built for himself and the one place he felt completely and totally in control.

“I saw Dolly out in the front pasture,” she said, glancing up at him and nearly making him stumble over his boots.

“Yeah! I have her out grazing today, letting her be a little lazy.” He smiled and Hazel smiled too. “Actually,” he started, voice bouncing around with a soft echo as they stepped inside his fourteen-stall main barn. “The first mare you’re going to look at is Dolly’s full-blooded younger sister. She’s about four years younger than Dolly; just turned four this last April.”

“Oh! I can’t wait to see her.” She said, and her voice sounded honest enough that it warmed him somewhere, seeing how taken she was with Dolly. “Your barn is beautiful,” she sighed as they passed the third stall. He’d noticed she’d been peeking in curiously through the black-iron bars to each one they passed to look at the horse inside if there was one.

“Thank you,” he said, and felt himself straighten his posture a little proudly. “I sank most of my first- and second-year’s earnings into getting this whole place redone. Tore down the old barn, paid to have this one constructed. Did the same to the hay barn and the mare hotel and boarding barn out back. Put in a new sprinkler system for the pastures, repaired the fencing, leveled out the arena and trucked in a good dirt-sand blend for it…” He realized he was rambling and cleared his throat. “Sorry, you… probably don’t care about any of that.”

“No!” She said, quickly, and her smile seemed a little shy. “I mean, yes. I do, actually. I’m kind of a nerd for all of this stuff.” She ducked her head and laughed. “When I couldn’t physically be around horses anymore, I found other ways to try and be involved with them, which mainly meant playing online games where you owned virtual horses and virtual stables.”

A grin cracked over his mouth. “Wow, you really are a horse geek, huh?”

Her smile was a full-on beam of sunshine, it was so bright and struck him so warmly. “Shut up,” she said, but it was chased by a laugh. He found himself laughing too.

There were only a few steps left until they would reach the big, open, padded space with a drain and hose hook-up where he’d secured the little gold mare in crossties as he groomed her this morning in preparation. A few more steps until they’d talk about the horse, about riding, he’d see if she wanted to tack up and ride her around the arena before he pointed out the other two and checked if she wanted to ride them, too.

Only a few steps before he may lose his chance to say all those things he wanted – no, needed – to say.

“Hey,” he started, stopping suddenly in his tracks. She stopped a pace later, turning around and frowning up at him. “Look, I know this might not be necessary but, I need to apologize to you.” Those words were hard to get out. They felt thick like molasses on his tongue, but he pushed through anyways. He saw her confusion deepen and explained. “I was an ass to you last time we talked and there was no reason for it.”

“Oh,” she breathed, and suddenly he knew she was there in that place with him. No longer were they tiptoeing around the past, he’d been brave enough to force them to look right at it, because he couldn’t take not addressing it.

“Hey, look, it’s alright.” She was being nice.

“No, it’s not.” He said, firmly. “I uh… look, I can be a piece of shit sometimes - that’s not an excuse or anything - but the way I talked to you…” He felt like he was fumbling. How was he supposed to apologize without telling her why it was so important that he did? That he couldn’t live another day knowing that was her last impression of him?

He knew she was Matt’s girl… but Matt never had problems getting girls, did he? Couldn’t Adam have this one?

He forced himself to meet her eyes when his nerves wanted him to look anywhere else and the next thing he knew, he was talking and saying things he never would have thought himself brave enough to say.

“I like you, Hazel. I liked you from the minute I saw you talking to Dolly. I liked you so much it scared me. Hell, scares me, even. I haven’t stopped thinking about you, not once. I know that’s crazy to say, we barely know each other, but it’s been runnin’ me in circles and I kept telling myself if fate ever put me back in front of you with the chance to say it, I couldn’t let the moment go. I’m sorry I was such a dick. Matt…” He trailed off.

How was he supposed to explain the man who was one of his closest friends, damn near a brother, was also inadvertently a manufacturer of his personal insecurities? That he knew every flex of Matt’s ego – be it winning another championship or getting the girls at the rodeo to fawn over him – wasn’t a direct attack against his worth, but it still stung like it was.

“Look,” He sucked in a breath and shook his head, “my point is that I really like you, and that sort of scared me, and I got in my head over everything when you and Matt started talking and I took it out on you, and that wasn’t fair.”

She was staring at him. He wasn’t sure if it was for a few seconds or three hours, it felt like it must’ve been an eternity. He noticed every change in her expression, the way her brows dipped in and her eyes seemed to get bigger, or how her full, pretty lips pressed together and she seemed to worry at the inner corner of the bottom one. Those lips...

Then he was leaning. Forgetting himself. Forgetting she was Matt’s girl, closing the space between them, and finally… God, finally… putting his mouth on hers.

**********

He was kissing her.

Hazels eyelids fluttered closed, mouth yielding to his. He sucked in a sharp breath through his nose as she did, and then suddenly their touch was changing. His wide, warm palms found her shoulders and pushed her back until she was pressed against the wood paneling, their kiss never breaking.

A small, needy noise crawled out of her throat, suffocated in their mouths. He must have heard it, though, for how he turned his head and kissed her harder, one hand sliding away from her arm and cupping her breast over her shirt and bra. He squeezed, running his thumb back and forth and making her ache for his touch on her bare body. The clothes between them were suddenly an absolute nuisance; she wanted to feel the tingles spread from every skin-on-skin touch.

He finally broke away from her mouth only to attack her neck with just as much pent up passion, the little coarse blond hairs of his close-shaved beard scratching her skin. Hazel tipped her head back and looked up at the rafters, head spinning with delirious delight. His knee pressed between her legs and they fell apart, easily. He crowded in closer and rubbed what was quickly growing hard and long in his jeans against her thigh.

“Adam,” she groaned, fingers reaching for the hair tie he had securing his curls in a bun, undoing it, burying in to shake the curls loose and holding him against her skin. She encouraged his tasting, fingers curling around the textured strands of his honey blond hair. His tongue swept down the line of the v-neck collar of her soft cotton tee, teeth nipping at her soft, supple cleavage.

Warmth as he slipped his fingers under her shirt, nearly making her jump at the sensation of his calloused fingertips brushing up her bare skin. Those fingers wiggled and pressed greedily beneath the elastic stretch of her bra and he groaned against her skin as his palm fondled her breast, her nipple hardening against his touch as he squeezed. The sound vibrated out of him, his body was so tight, so tense pressed up against her.

She was the one who found sense first, and she wanted to damn herself for it.

“Adam,” she panted, eyes opening fully on the fact that they were in the hall of his barn, his hand up her shirt and his mouth on her skin, his bulge pressed and rubbing her thigh. He didn’t hear her, tongue sweeping over the dip of her clavicle. “Adam, wait,” she said, fingers curling a little tighter in his curls and tugging back to regrettably pull his mouth from her skin.

He blinked passion-fogged eyes at her, a man caught in a trance, then seemed all at once to realize their precarious position.

“Matt.” He exhaled in a heavy, almost angry breath.

“What?” she blinked.

“Matt.” He said again, and the look in his dark green-blue eyes seemed to harden.

Fuck, right, Matt. One of his close friends. Her… whatever he was to her. Hazel licked her lips and tasted Adam.

“No,” she said, even knowing that probably should have been more than enough of a reason for them to stop. “Rosie and your friend,” she said, “what if they come looking for us?”

He blinked and that same waking-to-reality look that she’d had crossed his face. She slid her fingers out of his hair. “Damnit,” he muttered the curse under his breath and slipped his palm from her skin, out of her shirt, and she felt so much colder without his touch. He peeled himself away from her, but stood close, chin dipped to that broad chest and eyes full of her.

Kissing him was like… being caught in a whirlwind. Her eyes fell to his mouth and it took everything in her not to tell him fuck it, be quick.

“We’re not dating,” she blurted out to distract herself from how badly she wanted him to turn her around, tug her pants down and have her up against the stall wall.

He frowned. “Uh…”

“Not you and me,” she blinked and refocused on his eyes. “Matt. I’m not dating Matt.”

“Oh,” he said, and she couldn’t infer anything from his tone or expression, so she found herself talking more.

“We’re going to figure things out at the end of the rodeo season.”

He made a noise in his throat to signify he understood and drug his boot a heavy step away from her.

“Adam, I…” she wanted to be as open and vulnerable as he’d been. She wanted to tell him she hadn’t stopped thinking about him, that she watched live streams of his rides and cheered for him. She wanted to tell him that she had never met anyone who affected her the way he did, and she wasn’t sure what to think of that. But things were complicated, and they’d left their friends alone long enough.

Hazel drew in a breath and shook her head, pushing from the stall wall he’d had her up against and pulling her shirt to set it right. “We should get to the horses.” She chickened out.

“Right,” he agreed, bending to pick up the hair tie she’d dropped, and she wished he wasn’t so difficult to read. What was going on in that head of his? From the way he’d treated her the last time they saw one another she’d have never imagined he felt the way he’d confessed to her. His fingers raked his hair back up and she tried not to pay attention to the shapely muscles in his arms. He caught her eyes and a sheepish grin curled the corners of his lips, staying until his hands had dropped and he nodded ahead.

“Hazel, I’d like to introduce you to Daisy,” he said as they stepped where the walls opened, and a pretty little golden mare was standing patiently in crossties. She perked her ears as they came around and lifted her head, watching them with curious, deep brown eyes.

“Adam, she’s beautiful,” Hazel’s breath hitched as she moved toward her, stretching out her hand so the mare could brush her velvet, whiskered lips over it and inhale her scent. She had a broken white blaze on her face, giving her the appearance of both a star and a blaze, and her coat was slightly darker than her older sister’s. She had no white on her legs like Dolly did and was just a little bit smaller.

“I’m glad you think so,” he said warmly. “I’ve never put Daisy on the barrels, but I think she has the right build for it.”

Hazel nodded, slipping beneath one of the leads so she could run her hand along the mare’s neck, over her wither and down her back. “She has a short back, which is good.” Hazel swept her palm down the mare’s belly and along her underside. “And a long undercarriage, which means she’ll have a wide stretch when she pulls away.” She ran her hand up down her hindquarters and felt how solid and stacked with muscle they were. There was a lot of power in this mare. “I could definitely see her on the barrels if she decides she has the attitude for them.”

“Yeah?” He seemed just as excited as she was, and when she looked over at him, she saw he was smiling. For a few drawn out seconds they smiled at one another before he cleared his throat and blinked. “Let me go grab some tack and we’ll get her saddled so you can try her out.”

“Okay,” Hazel said, smiling and turning back to the mare as he left for the tack room. Once he was out of her line of sight, she exhaled low, working through the nerves that were storming through her. She lifted her hand and placed her palm on Daisy’s neck. The mare blew a soft breath through her nose and flicked an ear back, pointing it at Hazel. It made Hazel smile, like Daisy was already ready to listen to whatever Hazel needed to talk about.

“You’re a pretty girl,” Hazel murmured and curled her fingers, gently scratching the mare’s neck. She worked her way down to the top of her wither and Daisy stretched her neck out, clearly enjoying the rub. Hazel laughed gently and glanced as Adam came back with a saddle over one arm and the bridle and bit hanging off the horn.

“You two seem to be getting on,” he said with a grin, setting the saddle down and grabbing the bridle, stepping toward Daisy’s head.

“Here,” she offered, “Let me.” She stepped forward to take the bridle, slipping the headstall over Daisy’s ears before unclipping the leads from the halter she was wearing and unbuckling its clasp, slipping it off her face so it could be replaced with the bridle. As she gently offered the bit against the mare’s lips, Adam hefted the saddle and pad up and walked it around to the mare’s other side, swinging it over her back.

“She takes her tack politely,” Hazel commented as Daisy let her slip the bit into her mouth without complaint.

“She’s a well-behaved little lady,” Adam said, pulling the cinch on the saddle and buckling it up. “Especially for a young mare. She might’ve been the easiest horse I’ve ever trained. She has a sound mind, just like her sister.”

With Hazel holding the reins they started walking out of the barn, toward the arena. She glanced over at Adam and smiled when she saw he was looking at her. She looked away, biting into her grin to try and keep it from spreading. Her head was spinning with everything he’d told her; with the taste of him still on her lips; with her body aching, remembering how nice his touch had felt.

When they were out of the stable, she put her boot in the stirrup and swung her leg over, settling in the saddle. He helped her adjust the stirrups to the right length and tilted his head up to look at her, his palm resting on Daisy’s shoulder. The late afternoon sun glittered across his face and shone in his eyes. They looked greener today than blue, pale and soft, like the grass in a meadow, early morning with the fog crawling gently over it.

Hazel gathered the reins in her hands and gave a soft click under her tongue, squeezing her knees and getting Daisy to walk. Adam fell in place, walking beside them as they rounded the bend in the path that led out to a large arena. She could see Rosie standing with a man toward the end of the arena. That must’ve been Adam’s friend. He was lean, with brown hair that rested at shoulder-length, a black cowboy hat tipped back on the top of his head while he’d talked with her. He was smiling as he gestured with his hands, clearly telling Rosie some story, and she could hear Rosie’s sweet giggles from where they stood. They seemed to be enjoying one another’s company.

Adam put a boot up on the bottom panel of the arena fence and leaned his forearms on the top. He nodded to the inside of the arena. “Go ahead, see how you two get on.”

Hazel smiled and added a little more pressure with her knees, asking for a trot. Daisy obliged, moving into the bouncy gait as they made their way inside the arena. Everything slipped away as Hazel started to ride. She focused on the way the horse responded to her, heart lifting at how easy and eager Daisy seemed to take commands despite them not knowing one another. A small pull on the reins and weight added to her other side had the mare switching leads and leaning in where requested, which was a good sign that she’d be easy to train to curl around a barrel. Hazel squeezed her knees again and clicked her tongue, bringing the little mare up to a lope and then to a gallop. They circled around the wide arena three times, and Hazel felt like Daisy could have kept going. By the time she sat her weight back in the saddle and pulled up the reins she was grinning ear to ear.

“You two look good out there,” Adam called out from where he stood. Rosie and his friend, the other Adam, had made their way down the fence line to join him as she rode.

Hazel grinned as she gently rubbed Daisy’s neck, a little warm to the touch. She got the mare walking again to help cool her down. “She responds amazingly.”

“I’ve never had too much of a problem on her,” Adam remarked from where he was leaning. “Think she’ll do alright on barrels?”

Hazel didn’t even have to think before she nodded and said, “Yeah! She’s quick, and when I asked her to change lead, she did it with ease.” Hazel pulled the reins and stopped her near the fence line where everyone was standing. “She’s small, and fast. I wasn’t even pushing her as hard as I could. I could tell she had a little more give in her.” Hazel glanced over at Rosie. “What do you think of her, Rosie?”

“She’s beautiful,” Rosie said, reaching out to gently scratch the little mare’s forehead. “What do you think of her?”

Hazel looked at the three expectant faces looking up at her and grinned. “Honestly? I think I’m in love with her.” Her eyes slid to Adam’s and he smiled so bright and open she felt like her heart skipped in her chest.

“You sure you don’t want to try out the other two?”

“You tell me,” she said, shifting in the saddle as the leather gently creaked. She let Daisy have her head, reins going slack as she dropped her arms.

“Gunner has a bit of a stubborn streak and will fight you for fun until you get him to mind his manners. I’m sure he’d make a fast little barrel horse and probably love doing it, but he isn’t going to mind you as easily as she does.” He reached over the fence and fondly patted Daisy’s neck, fingers ruffling her cream-white mane. “The other one I had thought for you to try is Cat. He’s a bit more docile than Gunner, but he’s young and doesn’t have as much experience under the saddle. I barely started him a few months ago. Out of the three, I think you’re going to like this girl best.”

Hazel nodded, grinning. “I think I agree.” Elation in her chest. “I’d love to buy her.”

Adam’s grin matched hers. “I’d love to sell her to you. Come on, let’s get her cooled down and we’ll figure out getting her a vet check before we transport her to your property.”

She nodded and pressed with her inside knee, pulling the reins wide, guiding Daisy to turn around and walk toward the open entrance of the arena. Hazel couldn’t believe it. The little pretty golden mare she was riding was hers. Or, going to be, once all the paperwork was finalized and so on. Finally, she had a horse again. Tears pricked hot in her eyes and she gave her head a little shake, thankful she was too far from the group for them to see. She blinked them out of her eyes and laughed softly, leaning to rub her palm along Daisy’s neck before giving her a few firm pats. “We’re going to have a lot of fun together, Daisy.” She promised the mare in a whisper, still smiling when she rode around the bend in the path and met up with everyone near the barn.

She pulled her boot from the stirrup and swung her leg over the mare’s back, dismounting with a soft little thud into the dirt below. Pulling the reins over Daisy’s head, she fell in step with Adam as he led them back into the barn. Rosie and the other Adam (Hazel still thought that was amusing) walked along with them, which meant they weren’t going to get a chance to be alone again. Hazel’s eyes darted to Adam’s, they met, and both their lips curled into smiles.

They stopped in the wide hall of the barn; Rosie being shown around by Adam’s friend since she hadn’t seen the inside of it. He seemed happy to introduce her to the horses and she could hear Rosie’s compliments on how beautiful each horse was that they passed. She smiled over at Adam.

“Your friend is sweet.”

“Cole?” Adam snorted, but she could tell it was good humored. “He has y’all fooled.”

She laughed and Adam reached out for the reins, which Hazel handed over. She wasn’t sure if he purposefully moved his hand or not, but his fingers bumped into hers and slid slowly across her skin as she released them. Hazel took a breath and turned to gently give Daisy a few more scratches, grateful for the distraction. Adam let the reins drop, and she was pleasantly surprised to see Daisy simply stood by, not trying to wander off once she had the freedom to do so.

“Is she registered?”

“Yeah, AQHA. The name on her papers is Dun n Daisy Dukes.”

Hazel laughed. “That’s adorable.”

“Thank you, I was pretty proud of myself for that one.” Adam was grinning as he pulled the heavy saddle from her back and set it out of the way, propping it and the saddle blanket up against the nearby stall wall.

“She and Dolly must have some Hollywood Dun It in their bloodlines I’m guessing?”

“They do,” Adam sounded surprised she knew.

“Remember? I’m a horse geek.” Hazel smiled. “I know the prominent AQHA stallions and I know it’s tradition to register their names with something carrying over from their parents. If Daisy is registered as Dun n Daisy Dukes and Dolly is registered as Lil Dun Dolly, I’d imagine they carried the Hollywood Dun It in their names.”

Adam whistled low, his brows lifting. “Well damn, if you know AQHA studs that well, you’ll be happy to know they’ve got Flit Bar lines on their dam’s side. Fire Water Flit is their great grandsire.”

At that, Hazel’s eyes widened. Fire Water Flit and his sire Flit Bar were two very prominent barrel racing studs. Their offspring had gone on to win a ridiculous amount of barrel racing championships. “Okay, you could have led with that and I probably would have been sold on her.” Their soft laughs joined together as Adam patted Dee’s neck and gathered the reins of the bridle up again, starting to walk her toward her stable.

“How soon do you think the vet check will be?” She asked, then added, “Not that I’m trying to rush you. I’m just excited.”

“Understandable.” He smiled at her. “My vet’s pretty good, I should be able to get her out here this week. Unless you have a vet you would rather I use?”

“No, I trust you.”

“Okay, I’ll text you as soon as I know what day she’s available to come out. Do you have a trailer?”

“I don’t,” Hazel frowned. “I guess I could rent one.”

“Don’t bother,” Adam waved his hand, “I can bring her to you.”

“Are you sure? That’s a six-hour drive.”

“I’d like to see her off to her new home”

Rosie and his friend were making their way back toward them as they put Daisy up in her stall. Adam unclipped the buckles of her bridle and slipped it over her head, stepping out and sliding the door behind him before he latched it shut.

“Okay,” Hazel agreed, and realized almost immediately this meant Adam would be coming to her house. Should she have someone over with her that day? How could she be both excited and terrified with how he made her feel? What would Matt think? Sure, he’d said they weren’t dating, but that didn’t mean her feelings for him vanished into thin air. If the two of them didn’t know one another, it might be a different story, but with Adam and Matt being friends she wasn’t certain that was a sort of drama she should invite into her life.

“We’re all set then. When the vet finds her sound, we’ll discuss a price.”

“Okay!” She grinned and looked through the black iron bars at the cute little gold mare in the stall. “I can’t believe this little beauty might be mine soon. I really do adore her, Adam.”

“I can tell.” There was a warmth in his voice and when she glanced up at him, saw he was watching her, and his eyes matched his tone. “She likes you too.” There was something in his expression that made her breath catch.

Rosie’s giggles drifted near, and when Hazel turned to look, she saw the other pair were doubling back around. Her eyes slipped back to Adam’s just as his did, and it seemed they had an unspoken moment of realizing there was still so much to say, but time had run out. Hazel decided then and there if things worked out and Adam was going to bring Daisy to her, she wouldn’t have anyone at the house. She’d meet him alone.

She felt excited.

She felt guilty.

“Hazel, you gotta give this girl some tune-up on her riding. I think she’s got a cowgirl heart.” Adam’s friend was grinning as the pair came near enough for him to talk. Hazel glanced over at them, seeing up close the blue of his eyes that seemed almost merry with how bright they were, looking down at Rosie. Rosie had a pink blush in her fair cheeks and a wide smile on her cherry-red lipstick painted lips. Hazel had to fight to keep from smiling too obviously. They were adorable, and Rosie was clearly into him.

“I think you might be right.” Hazel agreed with a smile. There was a sudden buzz in her pocket, and she blinked, tugging her phone out and glancing at the screen. The notification banner showed her she’d gotten a text from Matt.

TEXT FROM: MATT 💗

Hey, when do you think you’ll be home tonight?

Hazel started to type out a reply after she’d glanced at the clock and calculated how long they’d be driving and when they might leave here. Adam’s friend took over the conversation as she went quiet, asking Adam about one of his mares and pulling him away from watching her closely.

TEXT TO: MATT 💗

Not until 10PM or so it looks like. We just put the mare up, so I’ll probably be leaving back home soon. Why???

TEXT FROM: MATT 💗

FaceTime? I want to see you when you talk about the horse you saw today. I want to see that smile. ❤️

A fond smile crept across her lips and a sweet ache hit her chest. Their communication had felt off when they talked last weekend when she’d told him about finishing the stable. Since then, they’d texted and even talked, but every time they did, Hazel had felt like there was something lingering in the air between them. Eventually she’d written it off as her paranoia that he’d been upset she’d hired a company to finish the barn without telling him. Once she’d told him she was going to look at a horse, he’d gotten excited for her. Now he wanted to FaceTime so he could see her smile when she talked about the horse she saw.

TEXT TO: MATT 💗

Yeah, okay! I’ll let you know when I get in. I have to drop Rosie off at home first. Can’t wait to tell you about the mare!

TEXT FROM: MATT 💗

I can’t wait to hear all about her. Talk to you later 😘

TEXT TO: MATT 💗

Okay 😊 😘

Hazel glanced up from her phone to see everyone talking about the horses. However, when she slid her phone back into her pocket, Adam immediately glanced her way. Her smile felt nervous and she hoped it didn’t look it before she glanced over at Rosie and smiled.

“You driving home tonight?” Adam asked as the conversation slowed to a stop.

“Yeah, which means we should probably get on the road soon.” The slight hint of regret that chased her tone wasn’t forced as she slid her eyes back to his.

“Aww, that’s too bad,” his friend drawled, “I’ve enjoyed the company.”

Rosie, beside him, blushed.

“Much better than Page’s, that’s for sure.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “I don’t see how you couldn’t like my company, Cole. You talk about a hundred miles a minute; I’d be lucky to get a word in edgewise the entire time you’re here.”

“He does talk a lot, doesn’t he?” Rosie said, playfully thoughtful as she squinted up at Cole. Teasing.

He gasped in offense as he looked at her with surprise, and her giggles shortly followed. Hazel was smiling; Adam was too. Their eyes met and their smiles softened. There was no talking over what’d happened between them earlier in the barn. She’d escaped having to tell her feelings.

Hazel knew that wasn’t fair to him, especially after he’d bared his heart so openly to her.

“You drive safe, alright?” Adam said softly, Rosie and his friend were occupied with their teasing and laughter as they headed out of the barn back toward Hazel’s truck. He reached to gently rest his hand on her lower back as they turned to follow their friends out of the barn. His palm fell away and he cleared his throat.

“Yeah,” she said, trailing off as her steps seemed to drag. His did too.

“I’ll try and get my vet out to look her over soon. When she’s clear we can talk details. I’m really glad you liked her.”

They stopped right outside the barn and turned toward one another.

“I really do.” She said on an exhale, smile spreading across her face.

“I’m glad you’re riding again, too. Especially barrels; what you’re passionate about.”

“Thank you,” she said softly. Behind her she heard the truck start up and, glancing over her shoulder, saw Rosie in the driver’s seat, window rolled down as she talked to Cole, who was leaning on the truck door and giving a wide, charming, happy grin up at her. Hazel looked forward again, up at Adam. “I’ll… talk to you later?”

“Yeah,” he said, and his gaze dropped to her lips. He took a slight breath and looked back at her eyes. Hazel felt flush. She licked her lips and swallowed against the sudden jump in her pulse. “Goodbye, Hazel. I’m…” his blond brows pinched. “I’m happy it was you today.”

“I’m happy it was you, too.” She said, sotto voce.

“You better go on before they get suspicious.” He said with a wry smile, nodding toward their friends.

“Yeah, I guess I better… bye Adam.”

“Bye darlin’.” He breathed a regretful sigh, eyes meeting hers. She had a feeling all he’d wanted to do was grab her up against him and kiss her dizzy like they’d done earlier.

She wanted him to do that too.

Instead, Hazel gave her a little half-wave and turned around to walk to the passenger side of her truck, climbing in the cab and buckling up as Cole nodded and said goodbye to Rosie, stepping back so they could take off. Hazel watched Adam’s figure grow smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror until they drove too far down the drive to see him. She sighed, shoulders dropping.

“Okay,” Rosie said as they stopped before turning on the main road, “we have six hours, and I have a lot to tell you, but you need to tell me everything about what happened when you and Adam were alone.”

Hazel groaned and pressed her hands over her eyes, dragging them down and blinking at Rosie. “Things just got really fucking complicated, that’s what happened.”

Rosie turned onto the main road to begin their drive and Hazel told her everything that had happened and everything Adam had confessed.

“When he was kissing me, I completely forgot about Matt. It wasn’t until Adam brought him up when we stopped that I suddenly remembered. I feel awful.”

“What are you going to do about Matt?” Rosie asked curiously.

“I don’t know. We’re not actually dating, right? Matt made that pretty clear. He doesn’t want to talk about it until the rodeo season is over in December. So… I’m technically single? But they’re friends. They know each other. Closely!”

“And what happens in December if Matt says he wants to exclusively date you? Or what happens before December if Adam tells you he’d exclusively date you now?”

Hazel swallowed and shook her head slowly. “I honestly don’t know.”

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt again, Hazel. Cause you know if either of those men hurt you, I’ll whoop them.”

Despite the fact Rosie was a sweetheart through and through, Hazel did not doubt her ability to become a tough little firecracker in her defense. It made Hazel laugh as she nodded. “I know you will. That’s why I love you.” The girls shared a smile before Hazel continued. “I know it isn’t the smart thing to do, but I think I’m just going to keep letting the cards fall where they do. I’ll have to tell Matt tonight the mare is Adam’s, and maybe I’ll just tell him what happened.”

“And if he gets upset and doesn’t want to talk to you anymore?”

“Well,” she had a sinking feeling in her gut, “I guess that’s his fault for not wanting to try being with me when I offered. Or my fault for kissing Adam? I don’t know.”

“I’ll leave my phone ringer on when I sleep tonight if you need an emergency best friend conversation.”

“A true friend,” Hazel said fondly. “Which I’m not being, speaking of… you still need to tell me about Mr. Handsome Cowboy you were flirting up a storm with.”

Rosie grinned and even though it was dark in the cab, Hazel swore she could see a little blush in her cheeks.

“Oh, the other Adam?”

“Mhm,” Hazel said, grinning.

“He’s a flirt.” She rolled her eyes. “I saw right through him within five minutes of us talking. But… he’s cute. He got really excited to tell me about bull riding when I told him I’d never watched it. Didn’t make me feel dumb for not knowing, you know?”

“Yeah,” Hazel said, smiling.

“He asked me for my number.”

“He did?!”

“Yeah! When he was leanin’ on the truck and you were talking to your Adam.”

“And? Did you give it to him?”

“No.”

“What? Why?” Hazel sat up and frowned at Rosie.

“He’s pry a womanizer. Doesn’t actually care about me, you know? Just flirts with any girl he sees.”

“He didn’t flirt with me,” Hazel pointed out.

“That’s because any fool with eyes could see the hearts Adam had in his eyes every time he looked at you.”

She flushed at that.

“I don’t know. He was cute but, I definitely felt like that attraction wasn’t as authentic for him as it was for me, you know?”

Hazel hummed under her breath. “I don’t know about that, he looked pretty into you as far as I could see. Hey, maybe you’ll get a chance to see him again in the future, given that I’m apparently seeing Adam again.”

“Well, maybe I wouldn’t mind seeing him again. He is really damn cute.”

“He is,” Hazel agreed with a laugh.

They arrived at Rosie’s house first and, after a goodbye and a hug, Hazel climbed into the driver’s seat and pulled her phone out while she was still parked. She yawned and clicked through to the text messages between her and Matt.

TEXT TO: MATT 💗

Just dropped Rosie off, I’ll be home in about twenty minutes!

TEXT FROM: MATT 💗

Sounds good babe.

She smiled and clicked to black the screen out, tossing it gently into the passenger’s seat and pulling the truck out of the driveway. How was she going to tell him about what happened between her and Adam?

“I should just be forward,” she muttered out loud to herself, frowning at the road in front of her. “I should just tell him like, look, Matt, you remember when Adam and I came up to the fire when we first met? I had almost kissed Adam earlier that night and I do have feelings for him. Today he told me he has feelings for me, and we kissed.” She swallowed and exhaled.

“Jesus, I can’t tell him that. Hey, Matt, turns out the horse is Adam’s, you know, one of your super close friends? Also turns out he and I have intense feelings for one another, and we made out and he touched my boob! Okay see ya later bye!”

Hazel choked on a laugh that was followed by a groan and a heavy sigh.

“Hazel, you idiot.” She scolded herself under her breath, turning her truck into her drive. She rolled to a stop and parked, turning the key in the ignition to shut the engine off and sit in the silence of the cab as she glanced at her unlit house.

She’d pick Carson and Callahan up tomorrow from the pet sitter’s, it was too late to get them now. It’d be weird to spend the night completely alone in the house. Hazel swallowed against that feeling and grabbed her bag, climbing out of the truck and locking it behind her as she pulled her house key free and jogged up the porch steps. Hopefully she’d be tired by the time she and Matt got done talking and be able to just go right to sleep. She had traveled for twelve hours and ridden, after all.

Hazel pushed the door open and locked it behind her, tossing the keys onto the catch-all that sat on the little table in the foyer, entering her house and flipping lights on as she walked through. Her purse was discarded on the couch and she tugged her phone from her pocket, tapping a message to Matt as she wandered into her room.

TEXT TO: MATT 💗

Home! Let me shower really quick. Give me twenty? 😊

She underhand tossed the phone onto her bed and bent to tug her boots off, straightening as she pulled her shirt over her head and went for her bra. A sigh of relief followed unclasping the back-strap and she shrugged out of it as she went for the drawer full of big, soft, comfortable shirts to sleep in. She tugged the lavender one free and opened another drawer to grab a pair of white little sleep-shorts. Holding them in one hand she pulled her jeans and panties off, leaving a trail of discarded clothes as she made for her bathroom.

Hazel showered quick and the warm water felt like a luxury against her muscles that’d likely be sore tomorrow. She shut her mind free of the confusing thoughts circling it and the anxiety of what would happen when she told Matt what’d happened with Adam, or how she was going to broach that topic at all. It was refreshing to dry off and feel clean, too, and she closed her eyes as she towel dried her hair, enjoying it for a moment.

When she opened her eyes, she could see her reflection looking back at her and shook her head, laughing dryly to herself. “Six months ago, I swore I was never going to date again, now here I am getting caught between two men.” No, that had definitely never been the plan. Hazel rolled her eyes at herself and set the towel aside, grabbing for her pajamas and tugging them on.

Was it unfair for her to try and casually be with them both, unknowingly, for a moment? If she told Adam she wasn’t ready to be exclusive with him because she still didn’t know whether she and Matt were going to agree to date in December, would he be okay with that? Would he still want to see her, when she told him she’d like to explore their feelings? Could she tell Matt? Was it wrong for her not to include him? If Adam knew and she knew, it wasn’t fair that Matt didn’t know the whole picture, too.

Question upon question were piling up. She shook her head and grabbed her phone, stomach turning as she walked out of her room toward the kitchen for a water. Her phone started to ring just as she got to the fridge. Balancing the phone in one hand she slid to answer the call, smiling as Matt popped up on the screen.

“Hey!” She said.

“There you are,” he said, and grinned. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

“It’s been awhile since we’ve FaceTimed,” she agreed, opening a nearby cabinet to grab a glass and get water from the spout on the fridge.

“It has,” he said. “So? How was the horse?”

Hazel laughed, but it was chased by nerves. “Yeah, about that. The ranch was actually-” and right before she could say it was Adam’s, her doorbell rang. “What the hell?” She muttered, setting the water down and looking toward the door.

“Who’s at your house this late?” Matt asked.

“I don’t know.” It was just hitting 11:00PM. “Maybe Rosie left something in my truck.”

She walked quietly until stopping before the door, pressing up on the tips of her toes to look through the peephole. She gasped at who she saw and wrenched the door open, heartbeat jumping.

“Matt?! What the hell are you doing here?!”

He grinned, ending their FaceTime call as he tucked his phone back into the pocket of his wranglers. “I was in the neighborhood. Come here, I haven’t held you in weeks.” The last time they’d seen one another had been when he’d left the first time. Since then, their talks had been strictly by phone.

Matt pulled her into his arms, and she melted against him, heart sighing to remember what it felt like to have his touch. He was warm against the fall chill at their backs. His thumb pressed gently under her chin and he pushed her face up to look at him while he dipped and slipped his lips across hers. Hazel sighed into the kiss, turning her head to find a better position.

They pulled slowly apart, and she shook her head, still unable to believe he was actually here, on her porch, holding her. “Wait, I thought you had a rodeo you came home from today.”

“I did.” He said and tipped his head toward the inside of her house. “C’mon, let's get off the porch.”

He bent to pick up the straps to a lightly packed black duffel bag and followed her inside. “Right after I put my horse up, I texted Nick asking him to feed for me tonight and in the morning, packed an overnight bag, unhitched my trailer and started the drive up here.”

Hazel closed the door behind her and turned around to face him just as Matt set the duffle bag down and turned toward her. “Why?”

He reached out, either palm sliding warm over her hips. He pulled her in to him, chin to chest as his dark brown eyes softened on her face. “Because I missed you. Because when you were first planning to buy a horse from Bob, I knew his ranch was only a couple hours away from mine, and I was going to show up there and surprise you.”

“I was going to surprise you!” Hazel said, grinning. “I was going to show up on your porch with an overnight bag after I looked at the horse.” A realization hit and her brows rose as she glanced down at his bag, then back at him. “Hey, you stole my idea.”

Matt laughed and reached up to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Once you weren’t going to Bob’s and were instead going the opposite direction, I realized that meant I didn’t know when I was going to be able to see you next. I didn’t like that, so here I am.”

Hazel laughed behind closed lips and shook her head. “Here you are.”

Matt dipped his head and pushed his lips against hers again. Hazel once again melted into him, and let her body be walked back until she was against the door. Her lips opened for him and his tongue took the invitation, sliding in along hers. The longer they kissed the hungrier they became. Matt’s hand chased up the curve of her hip, up her side and framed her breast. He pinched her nipple over her shirt, softly pulling, making it a hard, needy peak as she gasped into his mouth. He grinned, chuckling before he kissed her again and smoothed his palm over her breast before moving to tease her other nipple in the same way.

She and Matt hadn’t seen one another in weeks, which led to them forgetting about everything and stumbling through the house, stopping to kiss and touch and giggle and moan here and there as they went. Eventually they made it to her room - his shirt was gone, she’d tugged it off down the hallway, and his hair was down and loose around his shoulders - and Matt didn’t let up. He moved with her clear until the back of her knees pressed against the bed, her fingers on his warm, bare chest, running up and then down over his arms. She felt the curve of muscle as he flexed beneath her touch and her lips, against his, lifted into a smile.

He pulled his mouth off hers. “Climb on the bed,” his breath was low, warm against her kiss-swollen lips, his voice rough with need, “And take these clothes off.” His fingers pried at the soft lavender tee she was wearing, tugging pointedly at the hem. With one more urgent kiss against her lips, he finally stepped away, hands falling quickly to the big, shiny buckle on his belt. As she tugged her shirt over her head, he popped the belt open on his jeans and tugged the zipper down quick. His fingers hooked in the denim and he hesitated, just briefly, eyes ravenously black as they fell to her bare breasts. His lips fell apart and she ached for him, for the familiar sweet sting of his beard burn he left after he kissed and sucked at her nipples.

He tugged his jeans down and she wiggled her body atop the sheets, pulling and maneuvering to free herself from her sleep shorts and discarding them without care. He stepped out of his boots and jeans, leaving the pile on the floor as he reached down to take off his socks. He’d undressed in a hurry up until this point, straightening and pinching his fingers in the elastic band of his black boxer-briefs. Hazel’s eyes dropped and saw the thick, defined shape of his hard cock straining against the dark fabric. She wet her lips in anticipation and pushed her heels into the bed, sliding her now-naked body up the sheets and toward the pillows. Matt pulled his boxer-briefs free, cock springing, tip leaking, veins fat and full along its length.

She inhaled as he climbed onto the mattress, her body weight leaning into each dip his knees made as they pressed down. His wide, calloused hands gripped over her knees, pushing her thighs apart as he knelt between them. His cock slipped over her and he sucked in a breath, exhaling it slowly. His hips pushed down, then tilted in, and his cock pried between her lips and slid right in, she was so wet. Hazel gasped on the same breath he did, their eyes locking.

That was the only still moment between them. Their lovemaking turned as wild as it was the first night they were finally able to be together, their bodies stumbling to catch up to all the connecting their hearts had been doing. They were a mess of moans and grunts, of sweat-slick skin sliding on sweat-slick skin, of panted breaths and feverish kisses. Matt pushed up to his knees, hands gripping into her hips, and held her up as he thrust hard and fast, in and out of her, fucking her into her shoulders. Hazel moaned and arched toward his thrusts, opening her eyes to look up the stretch of her naked body to where he was sweating, tense and hungry over her.

Her eyes rolled back in her skull as he dipped his hips and pushed up, stroking a sensitive spot deep inside between her legs. It sent jolts down her thighs and her joints locked, stiff, toes curling in the air and fingers digging into the sheets. Her mouth stuttered on a gasp and hung, caught open. Matt grinned, just barely - doing so was an effort when he was pushing all his energy elsewhere - and the dark of his eyes seemed just a shade darker as he thrust harder, more pointed in that same way he’d gotten her a moment before. Over and over the head of his cock teased that sensitive little spot until she was careening, gasping on her cries, clamping her muscles tight and clenching her jaw in anticipation of- “MATT!” - the crash.

He came down with her, a boulder of uncontrolled muscle crashing in on her as his own body went rigid, balls likely sucked tight to the base of his cock as it pulsed inside her and her own orgasm grabbed it tight. He made a stuttered grunt that seemed like it was supposed to be her name, or maybe a warning, but his throat couldn’t move enough to work words. She felt the warmth inside her as he came, the last ripples of her orgasm pulling at every last drop of him buried so deep inside her.

Matt lay almost an uncomfortable, still weight on top of her as the last of the pleasure ebbed away and their minds pulled from the fog. Their skin stuck, warm and sweaty, his breaths crowding over her. But Hazel’s body was too worn out, she couldn’t be bothered enough to push him away. And some part of her enjoyed it, in a way, that she could finally have him so close that his physical weight might be uncomfortable. Every other night he was just a voice. Just a moving picture.

“Sorry,” he murmured, breathing in an exhausted chuckle, arms shaking as he slowly peeled himself off of her.

“It’s okay,” she said in the same low tone, eyes sliding to meet hers once there was enough space for them to.

Carefully, still sensitive and half-hard, Matt slipped his cock from between her legs. He winced, just barely as the head slipped out, spent and slick with both their cum. He maneuvered to lay his body down beside her on the bed, exhaling a large breath. Hazel grinned and turned over, curling into him almost immediately as he lifted an arm and wrapped it around her shoulders. She looked up at him as he tipped his bearded chin downward and met her eyes.

“I can’t believe you’re here.” She was marveling, still. They’d rushed so quickly to be together, her mind had to catch itself back up.

“I missed you,” he said. His hand lifted so the tips of his fingers could smooth her frizzy hair, setting the pieces right that had stuck to her cheeks.

“I missed you, too.” She said. Her heartbeat hit a little harder, fear slipping into her veins at what she knew was showing brightly in her eyes that she tried so hard not to let go of. Vulnerability. Was he going to tell her he’d thought about what she’d said, and maybe they should look into being together exclusively? (She tried to ignore that this time, she felt three emotions altogether, all equally as potent: excitement, fear, and hesitance)

Hazel waited for whatever he was going to say, but Matt didn’t speak. He smoothed his hand back down her shoulder and smiled, then leaned his head back on the pillow. His eyelids drifted closed, long eyelashes gently brushing the tops of his cheeks. His breathing relaxed and he seemed to sink calmly into the mattress.

Then she realized no profound confession was going to come from him. This surprise visit of Matt’s was just a one-off thing. Hazel tried to tell herself she wasn’t disappointed. He likely sensed like she did there’d been something wrong between them and he came to put himself between her legs and fuck her until she lost her mind. He’d curl his arm around her and tuck her into him like he was doing now and she’d remember how warm and safe it felt.

But clearly he wasn’t going to tell her why he had become so distant after she finished the barn.

Maybe that was for the best, Hazel thought as she laid her head against his chest and let herself close her eyes and enjoy that he was there and warm and real in her bed with her. And she let herself remember that his smell would linger for a day or two in her sheets to be there as she drifted off to sleep. She wasn’t even sure she could commit to Matt, not after the connection she’d felt with Adam earlier.

Adam.

Her eyes opened quickly. She’d forgotten all about telling Matt about Adam. A sinking feeling hit the pit of her gut. She was too much of a coward to tell him to his face, when he’d driven all the way over here to surprise her. Especially now, naked, muscles sore from their desperate lovemaking. Hazel moved slowly and shushed him when he grunted and cracked an eye open, assuring him she was just going to the restroom. As her feet hit the plush carpet and he dozed off again, she wondered how she could get angry at him for skirting around things hanging between them when she couldn’t even show him the same courtesy.

**********

“Morning sleepyhead.” Matt whispered softly from where he was bent over her, standing on the other side of the bed, gently rubbing her shoulder. Hazel groaned, and something paper crinkled as he moved. “Look,” he beckoned, and she slowly pulled the comforter down to see a little bag with her store logo printed on it.

“Rosie says good morning. I went and got us coffee and breakfast, come on.” He gently tapped her ass over the comforter she was wrapped in and she groaned in complaint, tucking back into her warm cocoon. He laughed. “Come on, you have coffee to drink, food to eat, and a horse to tell me about.” His voice was fading as he walked out of the room and down the hall.

A horse to tell him about.

Adam’s horse.

Adam.

Matt showing up on her doorstep.

Adam and Matt being friends.

The way she felt when she was with Adam.

The way she felt when she was with Matt.

One day she would look back and maybe realize this was the exact moment, at 7:06AM on an otherwise normal Monday morning, with her body sore from the long drive and horseback riding and phenomenal sex, that she’d first made a connection that would become something paramount later on. But at present she was too tired and too worried about all that would go wrong to even consider what could be, let alone what couldn’t be controlled.

Hazel slid out of bed, wearing her sleep shorts and baggy shirt she’d tugged back on after getting ready for bed. She padded barefoot into the restroom, freshening up with only the amount of effort it took to splash her face, brush her teeth, and run a quick brush through her hair. She yawned as she turned away from her reflection and knew the warm cup of coffee would be a godsend this morning.

“There she is,” Matt said warmly, and she looked over at him - he was in his usual around-the-house attire of a cotton t-shirt of one of the brands that sponsored him and a comfortable pair of sweatpants. He’d swept his hair up into a bun, she remembered it down, jerking around his shoulders with each ram of his cock inside her. She licked her lips and set herself quickly down on the chair across from him, putting the reminder out of her head.

“My body feels so beat up, I don’t know how you travel like this and then perform every single week.” She complained as she wrapped her hands around the sleeve of the thermos he’d taken to get her coffee in.

“Aw, it’s not so bad. Eventually you just figure your body is supposed to feel all of those aches. You just kind of forget what it was like when you weren’t in pain.” He grinned as he lifted his coffee to his lips, winked and took a sip.

Hazel breathed out a laugh and rolled her eyes, taking her first sip of coffee and closing her eyes as she enjoyed how wonderful it was. She took another sip before the bag rustled and, looking, she saw Matt was opening it.

“Rosie had just pulled some lemon poppyseed muffins out of the oven before I rolled up. I grabbed a couple.” He reached in and placed one on a napkin for her, sliding it toward her spot on the table. He grabbed another one for himself and set his phone aside, it looked like he’d been reading a news article. Matt saw her glance at it. “Checking how everyone did at the other rodeos this weekend.” He grinned and shrugged as he picked at the muffin wrapper, peeling it away. “Trying to estimate what our scores are at and how good Nick and I have to be this weekend.”

“It never stops, huh?” Hazel said, but she didn’t say it sadly. It was more like she was marveling. He just kept pushing himself toward that dream, toward proving to everyone that he was as good as he said he was. It was admirable, even if it got in the way of something she wanted. That dream was there before her, anyways.

“Nope,” he said, and a sigh seemed to chase his words before he caught himself and plugged his mouth up with a chunk of baked goods. She did the same and he finally asked after he took a swig of coffee, “So, come on. Tell me about the horse.”

Hazel laughed, and she sipped her coffee to stall time.

“Funnily enough, it’s Adam’s.” She said, and her eyes shot to him as she kept the cup near her lips. She wondered if he’d ever caught on to any of it that first night they’d talked by the fire, when the energy between her and Adam had felt like it was practically shooting sparks.

“Adam?” He frowned and popped another bite into his mouth, chewing carefully. “Adam who?”

“Page.”

“Oh!” He laughed, clearly surprised. Delighted, even. So, he didn’t have any clue. “When did you find that out?”

“When I got there,” Hazel admitted. “I got so excited about going to see a horse I didn’t even ask for the guy’s name before I showed up, and then it turned out to be him.”

“Of course, you could only think about the horse.” Matt was grinning. “Which of his is it?”

“Daisy!” Hazel said it with excited breath, unable from sitting a little higher in her seat. It was easy to forget about Adam when she thought about the mare she might own soon.

“Daisy’s a beautiful little filly,” Matt said, frowning with thought. “That’s the little gold one that’s related to his mare Dolly, right?”

“Yeah, full sisters.”

“That’s right. Dolly is a sound horse. Last year at the NFR my horse hurt himself at the rodeo; he spooked when an attendant’s dog acted out and kicked, missed the dog and hit the trailer. It gashed up his leg and I didn’t want to run him, even patching it up. Didn’t want to take the risk. Adam always trailers in Dolly in case he decides to pick-up, and she’s a solid little ranch mare even if she’s not just for head roping. He let me ride her and Nick and I pulled second place when we otherwise would have had to drop out and severely hurt our rankings.”

“Wow,” Hazel exhaled, both marveling at the mare and at Adam’s quick thinking to make sure his friends wouldn’t miss their chances.

“Yeah,” Matt nodded and took another swallow of coffee and bite of muffin before adding, “if that little mare is anything like her sister, you’re going to have yourself a damn good horse.”

Hazel grinned. “I really think she’s something else. I haven’t felt that way when I’ve gotten on a horse since my first horse, Shorty.”

“Shorty?” Matt asked, smiling.

“He was a horse that a friend of my stepfather’s owned over at a dairy. He was the third horse I ever rode, a stocky little bay gelding with a little star on his forehead. He was playful and silly and would get a little pushy if I didn’t mind him, so he taught me a lot. He was also the first horse I ever rode barrels on.”

“Really?” Matt asked, leaning his forearms on the table and watching her.

“Yep! The dairy farmer’s daughter used to be a barrel racer, but she went off to college. Shorty was her horse. She came home for Christmas break and we went over for a little Christmas party and she asked me if I was the girl who was keeping Shorty company when she was gone. I was probably nine or ten at the time,” Hazel tilted her head, remembering that night well. “She asked me if I’d ever seen barrel racing and I said no, so she took me into her old room and showed me all the trophies and ribbons she and Shorty had won, and all the framed pictures she had. She taught me how to run the patterns that weekend and gave me books she’d learned from too.”

“Wow,” Matt said, smiling. “That’s awesome.”

“It really was! I felt that same connection to Daisy that I did when I used to ride Shorty.”

“You know, I think that might be the first time you’ve ever told me anything about your childhood.” He commented softly.

Hazel blinked. In truth, she’d been so happy to talk about Daisy she hadn’t even realized the story was tumbling out. She glanced down at her coffee mug, avoiding his gaze. “It’s not something I like to think about often.”

“I know,” he said. When she met his eyes, she saw they were warm and wanted to offer comfort. “Come on,” he broke the tension for her, and she was secretly grateful he didn’t press, or keep the silence hanging long enough she felt she had to talk about it. She wasn’t ready. “We still need to go pick up the clowns-” Carson and Callahan “-and you need to show me that barn in person.”

Hazel smiled as she stood up, grabbing the thermos as he took up the empty muffin wrappers and slid the crumbs off the table, throwing them in the trash on their way back to the bedroom to shower and dress. He wrapped an arm around her as she passed him and forced a pause in their walk to place a quick, soft kiss against her temple. An extra touch of comfort. Hazel’s heart warmed as their eyes met, her smile softening.

Matt had stayed most of the day with her. When Hazel finally saw him off it was in the late afternoon, and they tried their best not to talk about how badly they’d miss one another, though the words slipped out anyways. After she watched his truck back down her drive and take off down the road, Hazel loaded Carson and Callahan into her truck and went to relieve Rosie from managing the coffee shop.

The dogs were always welcome at the shop, though they mostly slept and played in the manager’s office, only occasionally coming out when beckoned by a customer who asked if they could pet them. Hazel loved having a place she could bring her pups along with her if she wanted and was always delighted when someone seemed genuinely enthused to play with them. Some customers brought their dogs by, too, and they’d go out on the white-picket fence enclosed patio to play and have a little fun.

As she let Carson and Callahan inside and the little bell chimed as the door swung closed, she noticed a beautiful painting on the wall; a mountain landscape set in soft, lavender tones. “Oh wow! Is that a new one?”

“It is!” Rosie beamed, clearly happy Hazel had noticed.

“Rosie, it’s gorgeous!” Hazel said, turning to appreciate her friend’s artistic talents. “You really outdid yourself.” She stepped a little closer to it and smiled, looking at the little details that drew her eyes the longer she admired it.

“Thank you sugar,” Rosie said with a wink and couldn’t calm the width of her smile as she practically beamed under the compliment. “But,” her expression turned a little more pointed as Hazel glanced over at her, “Don’t think buttering me up is going to get you out of telling me what happened with Matt last night.”

Hazel laughed. “I wasn’t trying to get out of it! But aren’t you exhausted? You’ve been here since the crack of dawn and we didn’t exactly get to bed early last night.”

Rosie waved her hand dismissively as the pair turned and made for the office. Two of their part-time staff members were on hand to help serve the steady flow of customers coming in and out for a little treat and something warm to drink in the steadily cooling late-fall weather. It gave them the perfect opportunity to slip into the office, closing the door behind them for privacy. Rosie waited until they’d sat, offering Callahan a few scratches behind the ear as he walked over and plopped down in front of her, clearly expecting some love.

“I didn’t tell him what happened with Adam.” Hazel exhaled in a rush, then groaned and shook her head. “I couldn’t. Or, I didn’t want to. I don’t know. It was just so good to be with him again, you know?”

Rosie looked at her with sympathy. “I know, sweetheart. But letting it go on like this is just gonna lead to more heartache when things finally do come out. Adam’s still going to be bringing the horse, right?”

“Yeah,” Hazel said, worrying at her bottom lip and shaking her head. She knew clinging to the excuse that they hadn’t discussed anything was a cheap way out. She knew the right thing would have been to at least clue Matt into her having feelings for Adam, but she couldn’t do it. “So long as she passes her vet check, which I'm sure she will.”

Which meant Adam would be trailering her in. Which meant she would be alone with Adam. She knew she should feel guilty, not excited.

“How long will that take?”

“A few days, maybe? It depends on when the vet can get out there and then when Adam has the time to drive her up.”

Rosie hummed under her breath and then smiled. “She is really pretty.”

“Isn’t she?” Hazel couldn’t ignore how her heart lifted just to think of the little golden mare and how she couldn’t wait to hopefully begin training her on the barrels.

Rosie asked a few more questions about the mare, and Hazel was all too happy to answer. It was much, much easier to gush about her potential new horse than it was to go in anxiety-ridden circles about the potential mess she was making between herself, Matt, and Adam. She went on about a barrel saddle she’d had her eye on buying, light oil color with hand-painted floral details, turquoise and clear crystal embellishments. There was a matching headstall and breast collar to the entire set. Hazel pulled it up on her phone and passed it over, smiling as Rosie marveled at how pretty it was and how well the turquoise would look against Daisy’s golden coat.

It was exciting to talk about these things again. To think the mornings of tugging on her boots and making her way to the stall to feed were just on the horizon. Hazel could barely contain her excitement. All she needed now was to hear from Adam again, and she hoped it would be soon. Both because she wanted to know if she could really begin dreaming of everything she and her new little mare would do and because she could daydream about seeing him again.

Across from her, Rosie lifted her hand to cover a yawn. Hazel smiled sympathetically and clapped her palms against her thighs, pushing up to her feet.

“Come on,” Hazel said, reaching to pull Rosie up out of her chair. “Your friendship duties are officially over. I know you’re tired out of your mind, so I’m sending you home.” She tugged her out of the office and stopped them in the middle of the shop, despite Rosie’s arguments that she wasn’t that tired, and would be more than happy to keep on talking.

“Go on, get home safe.” Hazel nodded over Rosie’s shoulder to the door.

“Alright, alright,” Rosie said, conceding at last. “But remember,” her tone brought Hazel’s eyes to meet hers. “If you need me, I’m always just a phone call away.”

Hazel’s lips curled upward as she reached to gently grasp Rosie’s hand. “Thank you.” Rosie nodded and turned, waving and giving her goodbye to their staff working behind the counter and once she was gone, Hazel returned to the office to pick up where Rosie’s work had left off.

Two hours into spreadsheets and schedules and budgets that had her eyes wanting to cross, Hazel’s phone buzzed.

TEXT FROM: Adam

Daisy passed her vet check with flying colors.

Hazel’s brows shot up as excitement rushed through her. She couldn’t grab her phone up to reply fast enough.

TEXT TO: Adam

Yay!!!!! I know you’re already helping me out by driving her up to mine since I don’t have a trailer yet, but is it wrong of me to ask how soon you’re able to? I’m just so eager to have her.

TEXT FROM: Adam

Not wrong at all. I’m happy she’s clearly going to a good home. If I could bring her up Friday and leave Dolly with her overnight, you’d be doing me a favor. I have a rodeo about seven hours further north of you on Saturday. I could drive six hours to yours, put Dolly up and that’ll give Daisy some company for the first night in a new place. Then I’ll just stay at a hotel and come back in the morning, load Dolly up and finish my drive to the rodeo.

Hazel read and reread the message. There was nothing wrong with him leaving Dolly overnight and she did like the idea that Daisy would have something and someone familiar on her first night at her new home. But she knew, before she even began typing the message, her reply was going to make it all kinds of wrong.

TEXT TO: Adam

That’s no problem at all! If you want to save money on a hotel, I have a guest bedroom. If it wouldn’t be weird for you. I am still kind of with Matt.

TEXT FROM: Adam

Kind of with… but not dating, right?

Her pulse jumped, but her stomach turned. She sucked in a breath.

TEXT TO: Adam

Yeah…

TEXT FROM: Adam

It’d help me out to not have to pay for a hotel room, so if it wouldn’t be weird for you, I’d appreciate the offer. I’ll keep my hands to myself, if that’s what you want.

She didn’t want that and they both knew it. With a sigh, she glanced over at Carson, who was stretched out on the dog bed in the office. He perked his ears at her as their eyes met.

“I don’t know what I’m doing either, bud.” She said and glanced back down at her phone.

TEXT TO: Adam

Guest bedroom it is. See you Friday.

She set her phone down and, elbows on the desk, leaned her face into her hands and closed her eyes. This wasn’t fair to Matt. Beside her, Hazel’s phone buzzed. Another text message, probably from Adam. She cracked her eyes open and almost choked on a laugh. Speak of the devil.

TEXT FROM: MATT 💗

Almost home! Just a few more hours. Call you when I get there?

She glanced at the time, and figured she’d be just locking up and getting home when he was finally ready to call.

TEXT TO: MATT 💗

Sounds great babe. Drive safe!

Another heavy exhale and she set her phone down, glancing back at Carson who was still watching her from where he was laying. He thumped his tail and Hazel smiled flatly.

“You’re supposed to protect me from things that hurt me, you know that, right?”

He pulled up to his feet, tail wagging increasingly harder the closer to her got, sitting in front of her knees and pushing his head onto her lap. He looked up at her with big brown puppy dog eyes and Hazel sighed, shaking her head and scratching him behind his floppy, soft golden ears.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. You can’t protect me from myself. It isn’t your fault.”

Hazel gave him a final little scratch behind the ears and gently pushed him from her lap, turning in the office chair to pick up work again. When she’d done enough scheduling and inventorying and planning to make her want to rake her eyes out, she joined the staff working until closing and helped them behind the counter, checking in with townsfolk she was familiar with and thanking them for coming by. It was nicer than sitting alone in the office with only her thoughts to turn her around and around. Here, conversation stole her attention and left it with nothing to focus on but familiar faces and pleasantry.

The sky became pitch black as the night stretched ever closer, the sun having set a few hours prior. Hazel waved her employees goodnight and locked up, getting Carson and Callahan loaded into the backseat of her truck’s cab before climbing up into the driver’s seat. She was alone with only her thoughts again, but was quick to flip on the radio, deciding if she sang along to her favorite songs it’d be enough to preoccupy her on the drive home.

It was, of course, temporary.

Soon enough she was pulling into the driveway, killing the engine and glancing down at the time on her phone. Matt would likely be calling in just a few minutes. Hazel tucked her phone into her pocket and slid out of the truck, taking Callahan and Carson up to the front door and giving a quick smile over at the still-empty barn. She let her heart lift with excitement, thinking of that cute little golden mare who’d occupy it soon enough.

As soon as she’d lightly tossed her keys into the catch-all on the hallway table, her phone started to ring. When she pulled it out of her pocket, she was relieved to see it was a normal call and not FaceTime. She slid to answer and held it up to her ear.

“Hey, babe.”

“Hey you!” He sounded happy. Hazel bit at her bottom lip.

“How was the drive home?”

“Not bad,” he groaned, and she heard a sound like he’d collapsed onto his bed, the sheets and mattress giving way beneath his weight. “Mmm,” he murmured tiredly, “wish you were here though.” A sigh through his nose. “I wasn’t ready to let you go after just one day.”

“I wasn’t ready for you to, either.” A pinch of sadness weighed down her tone. Hazel didn’t understand how she could feel how she felt about him, but also feel the way she felt about Adam both at the same time. It didn’t seem fair. Or reasonable. She knew what it was like to be cheated on, and she didn’t want to be the kind of person that’d bring that sort of pain to someone she cared about. But again, she found herself confused and wondering… was it cheating if they weren’t technically together?

“Sorry,” he said, picking up on the long pause of silence between them. “I didn’t mean to get mopey and be a downer on the conversation.”

“No, no,” she slowly lowered onto the couch, peering off across the room but seeing none of it. She was picturing him, instead. “You don’t need to apologize.” She took a small pause. “Hey, Matt?”

“Hm?”

“Can I say something that might make the conversation even more of a downer?” Her chest felt tight.

“I… guess. What’s wrong?” His voice sounded sharper than it did before. She’d broken through the exhaustion of a long day’s drive and now he was alert.

“I know we said we weren’t going to talk about dating until after this rodeo season was over in December,” she started, “but something’s changed and I just need to know if you really see us as exclusively dating - the real thing - after this season is done.”

“I… What do you mean, something’s changed? What changed?”

She could hear a touch of anger in his voice.

No, wait. Not anger.

Worry.

“Matt,” she sighed and closed her eyes, reaching to pinch the bridge of her nose. “What happens next rodeo season?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, what happens if during the off-season you decide you have enough time to date, but then the rodeo season starts up again in the spring and you feel like you can’t be around again?”

There was a long pause. Longer than normal.

“Hazel, I…” He trailed off. Every second of silence made her chest ache a little tighter and a little tighter. “I don’t know.”

She exhaled and hated the way her eyes were stinging. “You don’t think we could do it? The long-distance thing?”

“What’s changed, Hazel? I was just there with you yesterday and everything was perfect. Why are you suddenly asking me all of this?”

“I met someone.” It was out of her mouth before she had a second chance to think. Before she could point out there shouldn’t be any difference if they wanted to try dating now or a few months from now. The rodeo and their distance were always going to be there, so why not try and work through it now if that’s what he really wanted?

“You met someone.” He laughed, but there was no humor to it. Now she could hear a little bit of anger.

“Matt, nothing’s happened.” That was a lie. Hazel swallowed against her rising guilt. “I just want to know where we stand. I care about you, Matt.”

I love you, she wanted to say, but she was too terrified to say those three little words and then hear him tell her he didn’t feel the same.

“I care about you too!”

“Do you?” The words practically leapt out of her, pushed by the pain she was feeling. “Because if you cared about me, I don’t see why you wouldn’t want to just try dating, Matt. We’re adults, we can figure out trips to see one another.”

Suddenly this conversation was steamrolling into a fight.

“I already told you I don’t have time to focus on a relationship the way I’d want to. I don’t want to hurt you when I have to pick the rodeo over you.”

“You already are.” Picking the rodeo over her or hurting her?

Hazel didn’t specify.

The pause was long again. He exhaled a sharp breath, but still didn’t speak. It stretched on a little longer.

“Are you going to say anything?” She asked, hearing how small her voice was.

“I don’t know what to say.”

She swallowed back against the lump in her throat and tried her hardest to keep from crying but felt the slip of a tear down her cheek just a moment after. Careful to stay as quiet as possible so he wouldn’t hear her crying, she reached for a tissue on the coffee table and carefully pressed it against her eyes, looking up at the ceiling and doing her best to not let any more fall or any shaking breaths leave her lips.

“Well,” she tried once she felt like she could get her voice. She could hear the faint roughness of emotion laid over it but tried to keep her tone level. “I guess I should go then.”

“Hazel, we can’t leave it like this. We can’t hang up like this.”

She hated that she could hear the hurt in his voice. He was hurting her. Why wouldn’t he answer her? Why wouldn’t he try? Wouldn’t it make sense, if they were going to date exclusively, to try during the most hectic time of the year to see if they had what it takes to get through the tough stuff? Didn’t that just mean that somewhere, in the back of his mind, he didn’t really want to be with her as much as he thought he did?

“I don’t know what to say.” She echoed his words back to him, to hurt him too, but she didn’t feel particularly good about it. It just hurt her more. She heard another breath rush out of his lungs.

He cursed under his breath. “Hazel, I care about you, okay? I wouldn’t have driven all that way to surprise you if I didn’t.”

“I know,” Hazel closed her eyes tight, hoping that’d continue to keep the tears at bay. “But you don’t want to date right now?”

“The NFR is just two months away,” he said quietly. “Can’t we just wait to talk about this until then? Maybe there’ll be a rodeo close enough for you to come out and stay the weekend with me? I think I have one this weekend that’s about seven hours away from you.”

“I’d have to talk to Rosie and see if she could cover the shop for me,” she trailed off and then shook her head, remembering, “No, wait. I can’t. I’m getting my horse on Friday.”

“Oh… I think the other ones are all out-of-state. Wyoming and Montana until we head to Vegas for the NFR.” He paused and when he spoke next, she could tell he was trying to make his voice lighter, trying to patch them up and pull them away from that sad place they’d been in. “But hey! You didn’t tell me your horse passed the vet check. That’s exciting!”

Her heart was too heavy to lift, even for that. It felt like a cheap way to distract her from what they’d been talking about.

“Yeah, it is.” She looked up at her ceiling. “I need to go... I have to be up early so I can open the shop.”

“Okay,” he said, but she heard the hesitation in the pause that followed. They still hadn’t soothed what wounds they’d both opened, and now neither of them knew how to. If they hung up, the sting would have no choice but to linger. “I’ll text you tomorrow?”

“Sure.”

“Okay.”

“Bye, Hazel.”

“Bye, Matt.”

She pulled her phone slowly away, blinked at his name and the seconds trickling by the timestamp on their phone call. The screen blurred as her eyes filled with tears. She clicked the red circle to hang-up before they started to fall.

***********

A loud, long groan pushed with effort from his chest, barely muffled behind closed lips, his jaw clenched tight. His work-glove covered hands curled around the handles of the hay hooks buried at either side of the fifty-pound bale of alfalfa hay and he hoisted it upward, biceps bulging against his sun-tanned skin with the effort. He turned his body and swung the bale up onto the stack in his hay barn which he’d parked the trailer beside to unload.

The work kept him occupied and pushed the frustrations that’d plagued him through a sleepless night. Some bales that he lifted, he practically screamed through, but it was only against the thoughts that’d been circling endlessly around in his head and spreading an ache in his chest. He kept trying to shake it off. Each time he tugged the hay hooks from the bale and stabbed them aggressively into the next to be unloaded, he hoped some of that tension would ease out of his body. Maybe he’d exhaust himself enough that he’d just lay back right there on the scratchy hay and pass out and wouldn’t be able to think anymore.

Sweat dripped down his temple and he paused, stretching upright with the hooks left in the bale, reaching to wipe it away with the back of his hand before it hit his eyes. His other hand swiped the black cowboy hat from his head and he fanned himself briefly with the brim, stirring the few wisps of brown hair that’d untucked from his low bun as he worked. He realized it felt loose and dropped his hat onto the hay bale, reaching up to secure it again. His arms burned with a familiar, comfortable ache and he knew he’d have no hope but to fall into a deep sleep tonight.

“I thought you were going to wait until I was over to unload!” Nick’s familiar voice called up from a short distance away, and Matt dropped his hands slow, reaching to pick up his hat and wiping the little flakes of alfalfa that’d stuck to it. He stuck it low on his brow before he turned to look at his brother, who’d now reached the flatbed and was peering up at him with a frown, long fingers pinching his narrow hips.

“I needed to do something.” He said, voice strained as he realized how thirsty he was. He tugged off his gloves, hands warm, and tossed them gently onto the next hay bale he was supposed to move.

Nick’s frown deepened. He turned to where Matt had left his bottle of water and chucked it underhand up to him. “What’s going on?”

Matt twisted the cap off and looked over at his younger brother, pushing a sigh out of his nose and dropping his shoulders. “I fucked things up with Hazel.” He tipped the bottle back and took a swallow, using it as an opportunity to avoid meeting Nick’s eyes.

“What? How?”

“I don’t know,” he sighed and licked the residue water from his lips. That was a lie, he did know. He also knew that all he had to do was tell Nick the conversation verbatim, and Nick would know too.

Nick didn’t press or say anything. He pushed up on the flatbed trailer, where there was space for his boots to firmly land on the secured wood-beams that made the bed. Matt had already managed to clear a decent amount of bales on his own, but he was feeling the exhaustion at having overexerted himself because of it.

Another sigh.

“She met someone else, Nick.”

Nick’s brows lifted. He tugged his gloves from the back pocket of his Wranglers and pulled them onto his hands, stepping into Matt’s space as Matt took a few steps to the side. Setting the bottle of water aside he reached for his gloves, tugging them on as he considered what happened on the phone with Hazel the night prior.

As Nick grabbed the handle of the hook on the left side, Matt grabbed the right. They maneuvered the bale onto the pile being stacked in the hay storage and when Matt tugged the hook free, he spoke.

“She told me something had changed, and then asked me what happens next rodeo season.” He blinked, a frown pushing his dark brows together. His arm swung as he buried the metal hook into the next bale. “I-”a grunt broke between his words “-asked her what had changed and she told me she met someone.” He tried to say it as if it didn’t tap on one of those very fears that’d worried him about them dating.

“So she doesn’t want to talk anymore?” Nick asked, hoisting his side up as Matt followed suit and they stacked the next bale.

“No,” Matt shook his head. “She didn’t say that. But we got…” he glanced down at the toes of his boots, gaze distant as he remembered lying on his bed, heart pounding so fast and hard in his chest he felt sick, fingers curled so tight around his phone they ached and his knuckles were white.

I don’t want to hurt you when I have to pick the rodeo over you.

You already are.

His eyes rolled up to the sky as he tipped his head back. A dry laugh left him on an exhale, but there was no humor in it. “We got into a fight. A real one.” His head tipped back forward and his eyes slid to Nick’s. “I can’t remember the last time I was with a girl long enough to have fought with her.”

“Girls yell at you all the time,” Nick said, swinging the curved hook into his side of the bale.

A grin curled the edge of Matt’s mouth beneath his mustache. “Shut up,” he said half-heartedly, stabbing his hook into the hay and hoisting the weight upward as Nick did too. Once they’d swung the bale onto the stack and released the hooks, Matt shrugged. “That doesn’t count. That’s them yelling at me about how I’m a no-good scoundrel who’s only love is rodeo gold, that’s not us fighting.”

“You’ve never stuck around long enough to fight with them.” Nick said it casually, but Matt felt himself tense.

“Yeah, well, I don’t have time for this bullshit.” He spat it out with a little more venom than he’d intended, gesturing vaguely. “My focus has always been on our career, and that’s no different now. Where am I supposed to fit a relationship in with a woman who lives a whole day’s drive away?”

Matt stabbed the hook into his bale, but Nick didn’t do his. Straightening upright, Matt looked at his brother and saw Nick was watching him with an almost sympathetic look across his face. Matt hated how much it cut through him, how it immediately tugged away the anger that was keeping him safe from feeling how hurt he was. His eyes dropped away from Nick’s.

“You sort of already are, Matt.”

Matt glanced up and saw Nick was still steadily watching him. For all of Matt’s anxious ticks and nervous energy, Nick was calm and still, far more collected of the two. Nick pulled his glove off and scratched at the light scruff on his chin as his brows pinched inward and he narrowed his eyes in thought.

“Come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen you play your normal games with the rodeo girls.” Nick’s eyes slid to Matt and his brows lifted beneath the brim of his baseball cap, pushing the brim just slightly up his forehead. “I think the last time was when you met her.”

Matt shrugged and turned away, as though that would hide what having those truths laid out bare in front of him made him feel, and how scared he was to feel those feelings. “Come on,” he said, encouraging Nick to put his work gloves back on and help hoist the hay. “She already met someone else. It was only a matter of time anyways. She deserves someone who’s going to be there for her more than I can be. Who isn’t going to hurt her like I have.”

Nick was slow to put his glove on, but didn’t talk until he’d picked his hook back up and secured it into the bale. “For all we’ve known each other - and it has been quite some time,” he pushed through gritted teeth as they hoisted the hay up onto the stack and tugged his hook free, “I’ve never known you to be a quitter. Especially if it’s not something your heart wants.”

**********

“Okay, I don’t think she’s paying attention to us.”

“No, I don’t think she is. She hasn’t looked over since we said her name an entire minute ago.”

“So we could say whatever we want about her and she wouldn’t hear it?”

“Probably.” A little snickering followed, but just like the question Andrea had asked her a moment ago, Hazel heard none of it. Her foot was bouncing beside the chair as her eyes pinned to the semi-busy afternoon crowds down main street outside her’s and Rosie’s coffee shop. She was sitting at one of the window seats, across from her was Rosie and Andrea, as the three girls had a little get-together one of the few nights Andrea had a chance to leave her siblings behind and had no shift at either of the jobs she worked.

They’d caught up on what had happened between Hazel and Matt and the fact that she hadn’t heard from him since their fight on Monday. She hadn’t tried to text or call him back, and he hadn’t tried to text or call her.

“Does this mean you guys are over?” Andrea had asked, frowning.

“I don’t know. Maybe?” Hazel didn’t want to say yes, though that’s certainly what it felt like.

“Hey! Hazel! Hello!” Andrea’s voice was suddenly loud, and it made her jump as her wide-eyes swung back to find her friends staring at her with matching grins.

“Sorry,” she said, “did you ask me something?”

“Yeah, about five minutes ago!”

“Sorry!” Hazel laughed and shook her head.

“It’s okay,” Rosie laughed, “we know you can’t think of anything but Daisy.”

Adam would be sending her a message as soon as he was an hour outside town. It would give her time to leave the shop, drive home and do another check to make sure everything was ready for the mare. Or, mares, since Dolly would be staying the night too. As would her handler.

Hazel was trying not to think about that too much, along with making the egregious mistake of assuming she could be reasonable and keep her hands off of him and stay in her room and not do anything to further complicate her love life. Instead, she was putting all her focus and attention on the arrival of her new horse. It wasn’t too hard to do, given how excited she was about being a horse owner again, and how much she couldn’t wait to run Daisy on the barrels. It was like a piece of her had reawoken, something that she thought she’d lost long, long ago.

“I can’t wait,” Hazel confessed, looking between her friends and beaming. “I can’t wait for you to meet her Andrea, she’s an absolute sweetheart.”

“She really is,” Rosie agreed.

“Don’t be surprised if Grace starts asking for a sleepover at Auntie Hazel’s,” Andrea said. Grace was her youngest sibling at seven years-old, and the only girl. “She’s in that horse-crazy phase of her young girl years.”

“Ah,” Hazel said, nodding, “a phase I know all too well. Some of us never grow out of it.” Their light laughter was broken by Hazel’s phone chiming and lighting up where it sat on the table in front of her. She squealed to see Adam’s name and was quick to open his message. “Looks like it’s time for me to head home and check everything over.” She said, smiling back up at her friends.

“Adam’s close?” Rosie asked.

“Yep,” Hazel pushed the chair back as she stood, “I’ll send you guys some videos of her settling in!”

The girls said their goodbyes and Hazel rounded up Carson and Callahan, loading them in her truck before she headed for home. She couldn’t get there fast enough, even knowing Adam was still an entire hour out. Her giddiness made her realize twice she was speeding, and she’d exhale with a laugh as she eased the foot off the pedal and slowed her truck down. She felt like a kid at Christmas, all the excitement inside her pouring out in what felt like a permanent smile that’d been on her face all day.

The following hour passed surprisingly quickly as she did a check around the barn and turnout paddocks, filled two stalls with a little over a foot of soft sawdust flakes, and got the water buckets filled before flipping the automatic fill nozzles on. Hazel had just swung the back door toward the turnout paddock open when she heard the rumble of the truck’s engine and glanced to see Adam pulling his horse trailer up the drive.

Wiping her hands on her jeans she darted out of the barn and half-jogged to where he slowly pulled the truck to a stop.

“Hey!” She called as he climbed out of the cab.

“Hello again,” he said warmly, and opened his arms to envelope her in a friendly hug. Hazel didn’t hesitate, and something in her softened to have his arms around her and his scent - whatever shampoo and conditioner he used, horses, leather, and the faint spearmint from the gum he’d been chewing - in her nose, her lungs as she dragged a deep enough breath for it. He must’ve sensed something, because as she snuggled in close, Adam’s hands flattened on her back, holding her closer into his front.

Hazel buried her face against him, and let the pain she’d been feeling that past week slip away, second by second that he held her. His arms shifted, he pulled her back just enough to lift his thick fingers to her chin, guiding it up so their eyes could meet. The way concern looked on his face made her heart ache.

“You alright?” He asked, his green eyes jumping between hers.

“Yeah,” she exhaled and nodded. “I’m okay.”

The hand that’d been holding her chin reached to cup her cheek. His thumb skimmed across her skin. “Alright.” He said. He wouldn’t press, wouldn’t make her tell him why she’d needed to hold him so tightly.

“Want to introduce your girl to her new home?” He tilted his head toward the trailer, blond curls gently shifting with the movement.

“Yes!” She practically jumped in his arms and was only remiss for a second when their embrace broke.

As Adam went to unhitch the back of the trailer, Hazel popped the side door, speaking softly to the golden mares as she stepped inside the trailer. She ran a gentle hand along Daisy’s haunches and down her spin, shifting between them to where her lead was securely knotted. Quick work undid the nylon and Hazel gently turned her, leading her out of the trailer. “Welcome home, Daisy,” she said as they walked down the ramp and onto the gravel driveway outside.

Daisy lifted her nose in the air, nostrils flaring as she sucked in deep, fresh breaths of all the new smells. She jerked her head lightly on the lead - not enough to disturb Hazel’s grasp, though it tightened all the same - and looked around, ears pointing forward, attentive. Hazel smiled and rubbed her free hand down Daisy’s warm, strong neck. “What do you see, girl?” She asked her, starting to walk, Daisy more than happy to fall in step with her.

As Hazel showed her around the yard, Adam unloaded Dolly, who was clearly happy to be able to uncramp her legs from the trailer.

“Let’s turn them out in the arena,” Hazel suggested, nodding toward it. “They can stretch their legs and get some energy out.” She could tell when Daisy had turned and seen her sister that her excitement had mounted and the clips of her hooves hit a little more rapidly as she swung her hips, moving restlessly. It’d be good to let them burn this off.

Adam nodded and started toward the arena, Dolly glancing around as he led her toward the gate. Hazel followed in tow with Daisy, who seemed confident and happy following her older sister. Adam popped the latch and pushed it open on the hinge, walking Dolly in a few steps over the soft sand-dirt blend arena. He reached up to unclip her lead as Hazel led Daisy in behind them, reaching to do the same before Daisy could get too excited about her sister already trotting a few paces out. The lead unclipped, Daisy tossed her head and pulled her legs up in a high-knee trot, cream-white tail flagging out behind her muscled haunches.

Adam joined Hazel, standing side by side with her as they both held their horse’s respective leads, smiling and watching the mares in the arena.

As Daisy approached Dolly, Dolly lifted her head and kicked out her heels playfully, picking up the pace to egg her younger sister into a chase. The two uncramped their muscles from the six-hour long travel in the trailer, and worked through their energy at being in a completely new place with new smells. Dolly was used to traveling and her confident nature would help ease Daisy into this place too, making it more something to be intrigued by than fearful of. It was a good thing Adam had a rodeo and needed to bring Dolly, too. Hazel watched both golden mares stop at the other end of the arena and glance out toward the foothills, side by side as they pointed their ears over the fence and listened to whatever caught their attention.

“She looks right at home here,” Adam said, and it drew Hazel’s eyes toward him.

“She does.” She agreed with a smile.

“Want to give these girls a break? Show me around your barn?” He offered.

“Sure,” Hazel agreed with a smile, and turned to walk back toward the arena gate they’d gently closed after releasing the mares. They hung the leads on the fencepost, since they wouldn’t need them until they were ready to put the mare’s up for the night, and exited. Adam latched the arena gate and waved a hand at Dolly and Daisy, who’d glanced over to curiously watch them make their exit.

“It’s definitely nowhere near as fancy as yours,” she started, not wanting his expectations through the roof as she led him across the yard toward it.

“Well, you’re also not a multi-year bronc bustin’ rodeo champion with a ranch horse breeding business on the side.”

“Fair point,” she laughed as he raised his brows and fixed her with a pointed, green-eyed stare. He grinned shortly after, and her eyes lingered over how handsome happiness looked on him. It made his cheeks perfectly round and pinchable, with a brightness in his green eyes that nearly made them shine blue.

They reached the little three stall barn and Hazel tried to temper her smile as she walked him around, showed him the stalls and their swing out doors to the small turn-outs, the little tack room that doubled as a feed room and an all-purpose room, too. No wide wash-stalls with cross-ties here. It was a humble little stable but, like Adam said, it wasn’t like she was raising a whole herd of horses or in the business of it, no matter how much she’d love to be.

Still, Hazel was proud of it. She had built the frame with her own two hands, even if a company had finished it, furnished it and given it some pretty little upgrades she might not have put the time into herself.

“I like it,” he said, his nod shifting the blond curls resting on his broad, muscled shoulders.

“Yeah?” She asked, smiling up at him.

“Yeah! I can see it’s new, no little dents from the day-to-day, can still smell the fresh paint, everything is shiny and unlived in but, it feels like…” he paused, “feels like it’ll be a home. It’s warm; it has heart.”

Hazel laughed softly.

“What?” He asked.

“Sometimes I feel like you’ve got a poet’s soul, cowboy.”

“Aw,” he grunted, and she was pleased to see just a little bit of red in his cheeks as he smiled. “I normally don’t talk this much to people.” He said, then sighed. “Well, I do. I can talk my way into looking comfortable in any size crowd so well, people will think I must be a natural. Truth is, most of the time I’m around people, I’m terrified as hell. What if I say the wrong thing? Is it wrong that I really don’t care that Kenny’s playing a new video game? Am I acting like I do enough so I don’t come off rude as he talks to me about it? Am I maybe being a little spoiled, not wanting to talk to my friend about something he likes or is it okay that I don’t want to? Am I a good person?” He rattled off the questions with a good-humored exaggeration of his worried persona until she was biting down hard into her smile as he did.

Hazel shook her head and reached out to touch his forearm. He brought his eyes to hers, and his posture relaxed. One of his free hands reached up to cup her face.

“But with you, I feel like I can say exactly what I want to say, and I want you to accept and understand me so bad, and then you do. Or you say something I’ve been thinking, but haven’t managed to put together to make sense of it yet. You just…” he exhaled, and she felt the warmth of it over her lips. He’d sank down closer to her, as if every word pulled them in like magnets. “You scare me, Hazel, but you make me feel more like me than I’ve ever been comfortable with before.”

And their lips met, her answer a muffled whine, sweet and heartfelt against his tongue. He inhaled sharp, and his hand slipped from her face to pinch into her waist, his other hand flanking her other side. He squeezed hard, harder than he’d meant to as a muscle jumped in his blond hair-dusted forearms and his hold relaxed, just a little. His thick, tall body bullied her back to the wall where she went willingly, just like before.

Her back flattened and his body was quick to push warm and needy against her front. A perfectly placed knee guided her legs apart so he could shuffle in a step closer, pushing the bulge growing between her legs against her thigh. They fell into where they were a week ago in his barn as if no time had passed or location had changed. Adam’s hand pushed up her shirt, calloused hands grazing her soft tummy as they moved upward. His greedy fingers slipped under her bra until they found her left nipple, squeezing it and giving it a slight pull - just enough to make her moan into his mouth and his grin to smear across their kiss.

Hazel pulled her head away to look at him and saw how dark his eyes were. He almost looked like a man possessed, so hungry for her, with so many emotions flooding the surface. She could feel nothing but loved beneath a gaze like that, and with how low her heart had been all week, it was more than she could ask for.

Adam released her left nipple and slipped to cup her right breast instead, wiggling to offer it the same treatment, pushing his mouth hot against hers to muffle another little yelp of pleasure-pain that pulled from her throat when he pinched it. Her hips moved restlessly against him, rubbing his growing, jean-clad cock on her thigh and herself on his sturdy, large thigh. It shoved the stitching of her jeans against her thin little panties, and she gasped shakily when their mouths moved apart.

“Fuck,” he groaned, pulling away to get a good look down at her. His eyes jumped over her face and he smiled, almost in wonder. “C’mere, I want to see you.” His voice husky, gentle. Adam took his fingers out from where he was stretching the elastic of her bra and out of her shirt, pinching the hem instead. He slipped it up her body, eyes meeting hers to make sure it was what she wanted.

Hazel didn’t hesitate. With their eyes locked, she took her shirt from his grasp and ripped it quickly over her head. When his eyes fell greedy to her cleavage she wasted no time twisting an arm behind her back, grasping her bra’s clasp and twisting to pop it free. Adam’s eyes jumped to hers, then back down as she peeled the material away and dropped it at his feet in the barn aisle next to her shirt.

“God damn, Hazel,” he whispered in a hot breath as one hand lifted to lightly hold the weight of her bare breast, his eyes falling from hers, to it. The pad of his thumb skimmed over her teased hard, sensitive nipple and she inhaled a sharp breath. His head of golden curls bent so his mouth could engulf her breast and the flat of his wide tongue could flick back and forth across her little pink nipple.

Hazel bent her head back, eyes on the wood-beams above. Adam’s warm mouth worshipped one breast, then moved to the other to offer it the same treatment. His fingers crawled down to her jeans and tested the loops before turning in toward the button. He slipped it free then lifted his head, and his eyes - dark with need - met hers. The brief moment of pause in the chaos. The one chance to say “Are you sure?” without actually saying the words. As if there was any chance she’d want to go back now. As if there was any chance they could rein in the coming storm their passion felt like it would be.

She nodded, just barely, and a grin curved Adam’s mouth. The zipper of her jeans tugged down with a loud, quick zip, but before he could tug them down, she was prying at the hem of his shirt and pushing it up his thick, warm torso.

“Fair’s fair,” she said as he bent in and tasted the skin of her neck. “I’m shirtless, so you have to be too.”

She could feel his grin against her skin, and he was still smiling as he took his thick fingers off her jeans and stepped back just enough to have the room to strip. “Didn’t realize we had rules,” he teased as he pulled the material up his body and let it fall carelessly to the floor beside them. Hazel’s eyes swept down his handsome face to that broad chest, down the subtle curve of his belly where just an inch of fat hung over his tooled leather belt, and the big, shiny buckle bit into it.

“I like my rule,” she said, reaching to put her hands on his biceps and sliding them up his shoulders.

“I didn’t say it was a bad rule,” he leaned in to put his mouth in the hollow dip of her neck and taste the skin down to her collar bone. His short beard scratched at her as his kisses turned a little more feverish, and his fingers once again wiggled their way toward her jeans.

This time Hazel didn’t stop him and after only a brief hesitation he tugged the stiff material of her jeans down her hips and thighs, kneeling in front of her and helping her out of her boots. A shiver ran over her body - nearly nude spare her thin, teal panties - as he straightened over her.

“Cold?” He asked in a low voice, and crowded his warm body closer. One of his hands framed her face, his fingertips tracing her jaw. He brought her eyes up to his and gently ran the flat of his thumb over the shape of her lips.

“No,” she whispered as he pulled his hand away. “I just feel… exposed.”

He paused for a minute, glancing over his shoulder toward the open end of the small stable, then back at her. “It’s just us, darlin’.”

“I know, but it’s been a long time since I was in a barn with a cowboy, naked and about to be fucked up against the wall.”

Adam grinned. “Would it make you feel better if I was just as naked as you?”

“Absolutely.” The word was out of her mouth before she even had time to playfully pretend to think about it. Her eagerness made his grin spread, and he nodded his head before he stepped back and his thumb played at his belt. Her eyes fell down to it just as he tugged it’s clasp free, then left the belt open and dangling as he went for the button on his jeans. Hazel saw it then - the lump that’d grown along his thigh in his Wranglers - and sucked in a sharp breath as he undid the button and tugged the zipper down. He groaned in relief as he released the pressure from his filling cock, and her eyes jerked up to his face to see the way that relief looked there.

Adam’s eyes rolled forward and he pushed his jeans down, one hand flattening on the wall by her head to balance his body as he stepped out of his jeans and boots. He was left looking down at her, his chest rising and falling, green eyes so dark they were nearly black as they pooled over her face. She wondered if his heart was beating as fast as hers was. Surely it was.

His body shifted as he lowered before her, his palms skimming the shape of her body as he knelt. He tilted his head back, gold curls spilling over his broad back, and looked up at her as she tipped her chin to her chest to look down at him. His hands slipped around her hips and into the fat of her ass, squeezing and pushing her toward his face. It brought his Roman nose against her pantyline, and he pushed it harder, exhaling a warm breath over the thin material before he kissed it over her clit. Shivers ran through her body again. Her hands landed on his firm shoulders.

Adam pressed his mouth more firmly against her panties, his tongue testing the material, teasing them as he pushed it between her lips but didn’t give either of them the satisfaction of actually tasting her. The tip swirled around her clit, inspiring more shivers down her thighs. She stuttered on a gasp as she leaned her head back and pushed her hips a little more eagerly toward him. As his mouth teased them both by tasting her through her panties, his fingers released the fat of her ass he’d gripped hard into (likely leaving prints of his hand in her skin) and crawled up toward the elastic of her panties. They curled and he slid them down, pulling his head back enough to pull them free, and she could fill his heavy, thick warm breath against her bare skin.

He leaned in slowly, and that warmth filled more and more of the crevices between her legs and then, languid, he pressed and slipped his tongue from the bottom of her pussy lips to the top, then swirled around and teased her clit. Hazel half-moaned, half-whined as her eyes rolled back and her hips pushed eagerly forward. Adam’s calloused palms slipped back to her ass and held her against his mouth as his feasting became more fervent. His tongue plunged between her folds, his lips latched to her sensitive, raised clit. His fingers gripped, released, and regripped the fat of her ass, pressing the prints of his hands in her skin. He released her clit only for the clever tip of his tongue to flick it back and forth in short, quick strokes, enough to make her take quicker, sharper breaths and release louder, needier moans. Her thighs trembled and he groaned against her pussy, vibrating where she was sensitive and a wet mess of cum and saliva. He held her even more firmly against his mouth and her eyes rolled back, lips hanging open but no sound coming out as she held her breath and reached the inevitable edge…

His tongue slipped off her clit and he pulled back. The air was cold against her pussy. Hazel released a shaking, confused breath and dropped her chin, eyes looking down as he looked up, kneeling between her legs. One of his blond brows was arched, lines wrinkling his forehead. He had a lazy grin, and she nearly felt dizzy when she saw how wet his lips and the beard around them was.

“Oh no, darlin,” he murmured, his voice husky and low as he slowly rose to be that warm shadow over her. “The first time I get you to cum,” his fingers were on her arms, gripping and rubbing up before dipping in and fondling her breasts. His thumbs swiped her raised, needy nipples, “my cock is going to be inside you.” He leaned and pushed his mouth against hers and as their tongues tangled, she tasted herself on him. As he broke their kiss and leaned in to leave a trail along her jaw, his nose in her hair and breath on her ear, he whispered, “I just needed to taste you first.”

One of his hands stayed on her hips, the other reached to shove his boxer-briefs down his hairy thighs. She felt his cock tap her thigh as it sprang free, but didn’t have much time to reflect on how long or thick it’d felt, or even glance down between their bodies to peek. Adam was already shuffling in and, gripping his arms underneath her ass, lifting her up off her feet. Hazel squealed in surprise, her legs forced around his hips as he bullied her back against the wall and used it for further support. She could feel the strength in his biceps as her hands landed on their curve, the muscle tense underneath. Her eyes flew to his and the moment their pupils locked, he slid her down smooth and wet on his cock.

A low moan crawled slowly out of his mouth, pushed inch by inch the more of his cock he sank inside her. Hazel held her breath, feeling the way his girth stretched her, until she was sat sac-deep on top of him. “Adam,” she whined, their gaze had broken when his eyes rolled back in pleasure and they snapped forward - black, not green - and met hers.

“God, Hazel,” his words were tight, his breath stuttered. He readjusted the grip on her body and lifted her up, then sank her back down. His hips pushed in as he carefully lowered her on top of him, enjoying each and every thrust. His eyes rolled back as he shuddered.

Hazel’s hands slid up his arms and around his neck, helping him as his hands gripped the back of her thighs. It was getting harder with sweat smearing over their skin and sticking them together. Her legs jerked with every thrust as they started to grow in speed at an almost reckless pace. He poured moans into her ear, pressing hot breaths into her hair. Those dirty sounds lifted into the tall beam ceiling of the stable and poured out of the open doors at the end of the walkway.

He pressed a kiss against her temple and then stilled, cock buried to the sac inside her. Hazel groaned - God, the way his thick girth stretched her - and rolled her eyes forward, chest heaving with the deep breaths she had to take.

“I’m going to move us, alright?” He asked in her ear between heavy gasps of his own that stirred her hair.

Hazel nodded, and held a little tighter around his neck, pulling her body toward his as he grunted and moved her off the support of the wall. His cock slipped out of her in the shuffle and she squeezed, instinctively, missing the feeling of him filling her. Using his strong grip, with her legs hanging over his hips, he turned her toward the stalls, moving for the half-door that was still hanging open. It was the last stall she’d bedded down with over a foot of soft, fresh sawdust bedding, and that’s what he slowly lowered her down into, following on his knees. Hazel was amazed at his strength and control, her hands sliding from around his neck and palms pressing down the muscles in his arms.

Adam threw a shadow over her, smiling a lop-sided grin as he pressed his hips toward hers and pried her pussy lips apart with the head of his cock. With a grunt he slid down and pushed in, stretching her around him without enough time passed to grant either of them any sort of sanity. This is where they were now, making love in the stable, only the two of them and no one there to interrupt.

Their eyes locked for a few intimate strokes, her kiss-swollen lips stuck open, with soft little cries falling out of them each time he shoved the head of his cock deep inside her. Leaning down over her, Adam put his weight in one forearm, freeing the other hand to chase down their bodies. His fingers found that already teased little red button and twitched across it as he continued to fill her with his cock. Whether he meant to sync the strokes of his fingers with that of his cock or not, he was soon driving her wild, making her press her head into the give of the stall bedding and her fingers to grab a tight hold on him, wherever she could grab.

“Oh, God, Adam!” she managed to get out between sharp inhales, her brow knitting tight together as the pressure built nearly unbearably high inside her. She was so close...

“MmmHazel,” he groaned near her ear, pleasure undeniable in his stuck-together words. A low breath and then he exhaled a gentle command, “Cum for me, darlin’.”

Another circle of his fingers over her clit, a quick shove in of his cock, and a surprised cry was all that could fly out of her lips before her eyes were rolling and stars burst behind them. Her thighs trembled and clapped his, pressed up under her as they were. Her muscles pulled tight on him, her little cries and the way her fingernails bit into his shoulders more and more evidence to the way he’d driven her wild.

A gentleman, he slowed his thrusts through her pulses, gently rocking with each and clenching his jaw, clearly straining to keep himself from losing it inside her. He slowly pulled his fingers away from her sensitive little button and buried his hand into the gentle give of the sawdust by her head. Hazel’s eyes opened up dazedly on the golden curly haired cowboy above her, and saw his slow, proud smile crawl across his lips. If she wasn’t so out of it, she might’ve grabbed a handful of sawdust to chuck at him for how confident and cocky he looked right then.

“Jesus it took everything not to cum with you,” he murmured, his hips pulling back, then pressing in and starting to slowly fuck her again as he bent and pushed his lips against hers.

“Why didn’t you?” She barely had a voice when their mouths broke apart.

“I’ve been dreaming about being inside you-” he paused to groan as a particular slow stroke of his cock pressing deep inside her felt good “-for months now. Call me greedy, but,” another kiss, and he breathed the last of his words tight across her mouth as he slowly pulled his hips back, “I wanted a little bit more.”

Despite her entire body feeling like it was made out of jelly, Hazel had to agree. She wasn’t ready for their lovemaking to be over, either. Even if she didn’t know how she was even going to manage to stand once they were finally through. Adam readjusted himself, pushing his weight into his hands so he could sit upright between her legs. His palms settled on her wide hips and pinched, pulling her slowly, inch-by-inch off his girth, then tugging her back up. Hazel appreciated the new position, able to look up her naked body at Adam sweating, straining, and grunting as he pulled her up and down his cock. Every thrust made her breasts jerk and she watched his hungry eyes jump from where they were joined, watching his cock buried inside her, to her breasts instead and appreciate how each quick thrust made them move.

One of his hands left her hip and flattened on her soft midsection, thumb settling over her clit. As he circled it, Hazel groaned. She wasn’t sure she could get worked up enough for another orgasm so soon, that last one had been so strong. “Adam…”

That lop-sided grin barely tugged across his mouth again and his thumb left her alone just enough to gently press into her wet, just barely able to wiggle in there with his cock already stretching her. She moaned and he pulled it out quick, returning to her already teased clit. He swept her wet over it, teasing her as he started pounding his cock a little harder and a little faster into her. This time the stroking didn’t match the driving of his hips, but even when she would have sworn he must be close to cumming, he held off, instead continuing to tease her and draw her toward yet another orgasm. Hazel could do absolutely nothing to keep the dam from breaking.

“Adam!” She cried out and jerked over him, her skin slapping his.

He grunted, still plunging in and out of her, tearing his hand away from her clit. Adam fell back over her, driving his cock inside her in quick, fast thrusts. Only a few inches were pulled out before he was shoved back in, all while she cried and came and twitched, eyes rolled back. She was too sensitive through her orgasm for his fast fucking, and it was just making her cum harder. He grunted, shoved himself sac-deep inside her, and then stilled to stone.

It didn’t and couldn’t matter the way he had her scrunched and fucked into the layers of sawdust - they were both happy victims to their muscles seizing in their body and electricity rushing through their nerves. Hazel felt the warmth of his cum shooting hard up into her enough to make her cry out when it did. He flooded her cunt, filled her up, and then was a shuddering, almost too-warm weight above her just barely leaning off from crushing her underneath him as they caught their breath.

The last few minutes of their fucking had been so fast-paced, lost in her orgasm, that Hazel’s mind took a few minutes to catch back up. It seemed he did too.

“That was…” he sighed, blinked and let his green eyes find her face. One of his hands reached up to delicately pluck the sawdust out of her hair, then pushed the lock from where it’d stuck to her face with sweat. His calloused palm fell to gently holding her cheek and Hazel smiled tiredly up at him. She felt at peace. Adam leaned down and softly laid a kiss against her forehead, then slowly one on each cheek, the tip of her nose, and then her lips. He didn’t deepen their kiss, but let it linger in a way that cherished the touch. Only when he broke away from her mouth and their eyes met did he finish the sentence he’d started a little bit ago. “Amazing.”

“Mhmm,” she murmured agreement and leaned up to steal another short kiss, still not able to have enough of him. When their lips broke he sank down, a warmth atop her, and they relaxed again in their joined company for a few quiet minutes. Her fingers traced random circles on his shoulder blades, and he was careful where to lay his weight so he didn’t smother her. He kissed her temple, and gently breathed against her ear. In the distance they heard one of the horses snort.

“We should probably get up and go shower,” he suggested, but didn’t bother moving his body off of her or even pull his slowly wilting cock from where it was still lodged between her legs. “We smell like sweat and sawdust and sex.”

“Sweat, sawdust, and sex. It has a nice ring to it.” She said, but couldn’t help but agree. The longer they lingered in the stall the more the pleasure that’d filled her head was slipping away and the more she could feel the slight uncomfortableness creeping in. The sweat and sawdust now made her skin feel a bit itchy, and she couldn’t deny that she’d appreciate a shower to clean herself of it. “But you’re right,” she sighed and lifted a hand (noticing how many little flakes were stuck on her arm and smiling) to gently run through his blond curls, “a shower would feel nice if I could get up.”

“Come on, come on,” he grunted, slowly pulling himself up from her and gently pulling his still-sensitive cock from between her legs. He reached a hand down to her once he’d stood and lifted her up. A grin split over his face at the shape of her body pressed into the bedding, as did the fact that most of her backside was covered in it. Sweeping a quick hand down her skin he helped shake most of it off, and though she was thoroughly exhausted and satisfied, the caresses of his work-calloused hands still inspired pleasurable shivers.

They gathered their clothes that’d been discarded in the walkway outside the stable, then giggled as they ran like children, hand-in-hand and naked as the day they were born across the yard and into the house.

“Thank God I don’t have any close enough neighbors!” Hazel laughed breathlessly once they were safely inside.

“I bet they would’ve appreciated the sight,” humor in his voice that matched the sparkle in his eyes, Adam was still grinning as he leaned to place a sweet kiss on her forehead, then gently smacked her bare ass with an open palm.

She rolled her eyes, but was still grinning too.

It was strange that even though this was the first time Adam was in her home, it felt as though he’d been coming here for years. They walked down the hall and to her room, setting their clothes in the laundry basket, then moving for the master bath. Approaching the shower, Hazel turned the handle to start the water, sticking a hand under the stream to test the temperature.

“I wish I wasn’t leaving so early in the morning.” He said, coming up behind her. His hands settled like gentle weights on her hips and he held her there as they waited for the water to warm.

Hazel turned her head to look over at him and saw the sincerity in his eyes. “Me neither.” She sighed.

“I could always stay…”

“What about the rodeo?”

Adam rolled his eyes and tugged at her hips, pulling her and turning her around to face him. His arms wrapped lazily around her and he tilted his head, chin to chest as he locked his eyes with hers. A slight frown worried its way across his brow. “I’m already guaranteed a spot in the NFR, I can afford to miss a rodeo.”

She didn’t want to compare him to Matt, she didn’t want to do that when it wasn’t fair to do to Matt… but something in her heart that had been hurt by everything that happened between her and Matt lifted at the honesty in Adam’s tone. Still, as amazing as it was to have him, just thinking of Matt threatened to spread a crack across the dam that held back thoughts she couldn’t afford to let loose while Adam was here. As sure as she was that she and Matt were over, Adam was still his friend and was in his life. Regardless of her relationship with Matt, Adam still had one with him, and they’d complicated that by being together.

Why did the man who spoke to her heart in ways she’d never experienced have to be so close to the man she’d fallen in love with? Why couldn’t he have been some stranger she could run away with and not have to face any problems or think of all the ways she could have handled the situation better?

“You already paid the registry fees and trucked Dolly here,” she said with a smile she didn’t quite feel, but hoped he’d buy. “Go to your rodeo, we can pick another weekend to get together.” Then, she added, “Besides, I want to spend time bonding with my new horse.”

At that, Adam smiled. “Alright, alright.” His thumb gently massaged her hip and he bent to place a sweet kiss on her lips, then again on her forehead. He was full of sweet, sentimental touches. It was as if he had to make up for every moment he wasn’t able to offer romantic affection those months and months they hadn’t gotten to be with one another. Was he making up for lost time? Or could he simply not help but keep reaching for her while she was there in arm’s reach?

“The water’s probably warm enough now,” she murmured, still stuck in the warmth in his soft, green eyes.

“C’mon then darlin’,” he sighed and pulled his arms off of her so she could turn around and step into the shower. “Let’s get cleaned up, put the horses up and get something to eat.”

“Mm, that sounds like a perfect idea,” she agreed as the warm jets of water hit her and began to take the dirt and sweat off her body.

They wouldn’t have much time that evening to spend together. Adam needed to leave before the crack of dawn in order to get to the grounds with enough time to register, unload Dolly in the pens and check which bronc he’d be riding and then prepare accordingly. The way the pair of them functioned together honestly astonished Hazel somewhat. They were in such tandem, it felt like this was the hundredth time Adam had stayed the evening with her at her house.

After dinner they cuddled up on the couch with what little time they had, Carson and Callahan lying in their beds and the television on low on a repeat of a show neither of them were paying much mind to. Instead, Hazel and Adam had taken to giggling and talking among each other, teasing each other as they flowed with ease from topic to topic, avoiding anything too deep or painful and simply enjoying one another’s company. Hazel remembered how Adam had told her it was like she was able to say the things he was thinking before he said them and early on, she realized she felt the same way about him. It was like something in their minds just… clicked.

Like they were always meant to be. They had that inexplicable bond. That once in a lifetime sort of thing that couldn’t be forced. It just was.

Eventually as the night wound down she was lying on his chest, dozing softly off to sleep. On the coffee table a phone started to vibrate with an incoming call. Her phone, in fact, lying face down. It gently moved as the vibrations disturbed it from where it sat.

“You’re getting a call, darlin’.” His soft voice gently ushered. He ran a wide palm up and down her arm to rouse her from falling asleep.

“Mmm,” she sank deeper and kept her eyes shut. It was too warm and peaceful here in his arms to pull herself free. “If it’s important they’ll leave a message.”

He chuckled and she felt it rumble in his chest.

“Well, let’s at least head off to bed then. I have to be up in…” he groaned as he reached to get his phone and check the time, “Ugh. Four hours.”

She made a small noise of complaint that she’d have to move, but let him gently encourage her upward so he could slip out from under her. He leaned in and pulled her up to her feet, reaching to grab her phone and setting it in her hand. Hazel grabbed it as she rubbed her eyes and yawned, clicking the power off on the television and stumbling toward the bedroom. Callahan and Carson hopped up to follow, tails wagging, clearly happy it was bedtime.

Adam flipped her comforters back as they went into the room and only once she was securely snuggled up, phone set face-down on the nightstand nearby did he begin flicking off lights and making a careful path toward the other side of the bed. Carson and Callahan jumped shamelessly up and curled in tight little balls at the end of the bed, warming her feet. She thought of shooing them to their beds on the floor, but Adam babytalked them as he got into bed and leaned to give them both scratches behind the ear as he told them goodnight and finally slipped in beside her. It made her smile and then his warm arm came around her waist and he slid her across the bed toward him.

“Goodnight Hazel,” he whispered against her ear, placing another kiss tenderly on her temple. Hazel hoped that soft, loving touch stayed through her dreams to encourage the very kindest of them and that she’d still feel it when she awoke the next morning.

Hours later - though she wasn’t entirely aware of the time - she was stirred awake by Adam’s soft voice. He wasn’t even in bed with her anymore, but standing bedside, bent over and gently brushing her hair out of her face as he talked to her in hushed tones.

“I have to get going.” Regret colored his tone and through the mental fog brought on by sleep, she barely managed to make a soft, disagreeing groan. It made him chuckle and he leaned down to kiss her forehead. He stayed near enough that she could feel his next breaths warm across her face. “I know, I know. I wish I didn’t need to go either. I’ll call you when I get to the rodeo grounds.”

“Mmkay,” Hazel agreed sleepily, and then groaned. “Daisy needs breakfast…” It was only four in the morning and she could probably wait for a few more hours, but if Adam was going to be taking Dolly out of the stable a flake of hay to keep Daisy distracted at being alone might be kind of nice.

“You just stay sleeping,” Adam hushed her and tucked her in a little more under the blankets, giving her shoulder a soft rub. “I’ll see that Daisy has food and her water bucket is cleaned out before I take off, okay?”

“Mm… mhm.” Her eyelids were already closing despite wanting to keep them open to look at what she could see of him in the dark pre-dawn light of her room.

“Alright,” he laughed and kissed her forehead again. “I’ll call you later darlin’.”

“Mmkay…” she mumbled again into her pillow. “Be safe.”

“I will, promise.”

She listened to the sound of his boots fading away down the hall, then the door jingle before it softly shut and then silence. She meant to listen to every single sound she could catch, even the far away ones out the window. She wanted to hear clear up to the rumble of the truck starting and the sound of tires on gravel, but before she knew it she was already drifting back to sleep. The sheets still smelled like him and she wrapped her arms around the pillow he’d been using and tucked it in close to her body, pressing her face into it and feeling the way her body relaxed with the next breath she took before sleep had her again.

When she awoke she felt confused. “Adam?” She muttered groggily, inhaling and smelling him before she cracked her eyelids open and looked down at the pillow she was still holding on to. She frowned, reaching to rub the sleep from her eyes before the hushed morning came back to her of Adam getting dressed as quietly as he could and giving her a quick goodbye kiss. A smile melted across her lips, thinking of the evening they’d shared. It wasn’t even the sex she thought of first - though that was certainly worth remembering - but the hours after when they’d just shared each other’s company. Even when they hadn’t been talking, Hazel had felt so complete with him.

She shook her head and laughed breathlessly. How long had it been since she’d felt that open with another man? Matt… She sucked in her breath and opened her eyes a little wider.

She felt open with Matt and comfortable with him, and when he was with her she felt warm and safe and cared for. But those were the good times, not all these painful conversations and lack thereof that had followed. No, the times she was soft and honest with him and he was with her were what she missed. Or when they could be in-person together, or those late night calls where neither of them wanted to hang up and they just started talking about everything and anything, swapping stories and growing closer. Those days the cocky front of Matt Jackson, Rodeo Champion, slipped away and she saw the gentle, caring, sensitive man underneath. Her heart ached swiftly enough that she felt the need to catch her breath. She missed those phone calls. She missed Matt.

Tears stung in her eyes and she cleared her throat and blinked them away. What right did she have to cry? How could she lie here and miss Matt when Adam had been a warm body in her bed not three hours prior?

Rolling over she reached toward her nightstand to grab her phone, turning it over so the screen would light up and show her what time it was. Notification banners for things she’d missed - mainly social media mentions - popped up, as did one for a missed call. She’d nearly forgotten late last night when she’d been just about to fall asleep on Adam that he’d said she was getting a call.

Missed Call: Matt 💗

Her heart sank and she nearly dropped her phone.

New Voicemail: Matt 💗

Hazel stared at the little red bubble indicating the missed message. Every piece of wonderful paradise the last twenty-four hours had been evaporated almost immediately, taken over by guilt. Was he calling to apologize while she was wrapped up peacefully in the arms of one of his closest friends? Attempting to stop her anxious spiral of thoughts, she realized she could be overthinking. The call could be Matt telling her it was time they talked, that he’d taken the week to think about what they’d said and had decided she was right, he just wasn’t ever going to be ready for a relationship. It could be him deciding they needed to give each other a proper goodbye instead of ghosting each other.

Tears burned in her eyes and she told herself again that she had no right to them or to the way her heart felt like it was being slowly, painfully squeezed. She’d spent the night before with her legs wrapped around one of his closest friends, moaning as he filled her with his cum. How could she now be heartbroken over the thought of Matt calling to tell her they should talk and end it all?

But what if… what if he was calling to apologize? What if he was calling to tell her he’d taken the week to think about it and realized he was being foolish and she was right and there was no reason they shouldn’t be in a relationship now?

There was only going to be one way to know what Matt had been wanting to say.

She looked at the unplayed message, still looking up at her with it’s little red bubble. Her finger hovered over to bring the voicemail screen up where she could begin to play it and found she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t hit play. Not when every breath still drug touches of Adam into her lungs and she could hear his moans fresh in her ears.

**********

“Hey, Adam! When did you get in?” Nick’s voice carried over the crowd as Adam stopped in step, turning to glance over his shoulder as he watched his friend’s approach. He turned to face him and shrugged.

“A little after eleven. I hit the registry table and got caught up talking with Kenny. Haven’t even unloaded Dolly yet.”

“Well that’s good news,” Nick smiled his characteristic large, happy, easy-going grin. He was wearing a dark brown carhartt jacket over his button-up and it reminded Adam he wanted to go back to his truck to grab his. The days were getting chillier and chillier the closer to the winter months they drew.

“Why’s it good news?”

“We kept one of the pens clear by our boys so Dolly would have familiar company. Matt’s been sitting on the fence this morning keeping anyone else from claiming it.”

“I appreciate that.” Adam said with a grin, though he had to fight to keep it through a sudden surge of discomfort that crawled through him at the mention of Matt. He immediately thought of Hazel.

“It’s no problem. I’ll show you where we’re at so you can bring Dolly over. Come on.”

Adam and Nick fell in step beside one another.

“It’s been good for Matt to have something to keep his mind occupied anyways. He’s been getting into conversations with anyone who stops by to see if the pen is clear or not.”

“Oh?” Adam said idly. In truth he didn’t want to know why Matt needed to keep his mind occupied. He had a sneaking suspicion he at least knew somewhat what it might be about.

“Yeah.” Nick said, and there seemed something briefly heavy in the sigh that followed. “But we’re right over here.” He pulled his hand out of his jacket pocket and waved over to where his and Matt’s roping geldings were lounging in one of the temporarily set-up white pipe-fence pens. Beside them was another one, empty and ready for Adam’s mare.

“Hey, Matt, look who I found wandering around the parking lot.” Nick called out as he leaned up against the gate. Immediately his gelding shuffled close, pressing its muzzle into his jacket and whuffing big, warm breaths that made the man giggle. Nick scratched the horse's forehead, ruffling its mane. Adam looked from Nick to Matt or, tried to, but found it was actually hard for him to look at Matt.

His lips pulled in a thin smile he hoped still looked polite and he glanced away. He tried not to notice how troubled Matt’s face looked before he smiled and nodded.

“Morning, Adam. Glad you got here safe.”

“Thanks,” he said and glanced at his boots. “I uh, better go get Dolly.” He said with another tight grin to Nick, hoping no one picked up on how badly he suddenly needed to get away.

As he made for where he’d parked the trailer he found himself getting angry for feeling guilty. Matt never had any trouble with women for as long as Adam had known him. Every rodeo they pulled into it seemed Matt had some pretty little thing hanging off of him and giggling by the end of the night. Adam could be just as lucky too, but all those cute girls with their pretty smiles and admiring stares never really caught his attention. They made him feel nervous and oftentimes the attraction felt empty.

Then came Hazel, the first woman to make him actually care about something other than his career. Why did Matt have to have eyes for her to? She was beautiful, sure, but she was so much more than that. It wasn’t fair that Matt got to hold on to her like she was something he’d cherish when he got to have any girl he wanted with ease. Plus, he clearly wasn’t doing a good job taking care of her. Adam had felt the way she clung hard onto him when he’d first showed up at her house. And if the tables had been turned and Hazel had asked him if they could date he never would have bookmarked that conversation for later.

Because the moment Adam had looked in her eyes he’d seen the eyes their future kids would have. The first time their lips had touched he’d sworn he’d heard church bells and the cheers of their loved ones filling the church he married her in.

Adam was sure if he could get Hazel to see how deep their connection was by the time Matt and her talked after the NFR she’d be more in love with him and would tell Matt they wouldn’t work. It was a shitty plan and a shitty thing to do as Matt’s so-called friend, but Adam’s loneliness had made him into something he wasn’t entirely proud of. So be it. He was tired of letting life pass him up because he wanted to do the right thing. No one else seemed to be so worried about doing what was right and they were getting what they wanted. It was finally time for Adam to get what he wanted.

Yet here he was, suffering guilt he hadn’t foreseen. Adam sucked hard at the back of his teeth as he popped the trailer door, carefully unloading Dolly. He rubbed her neck and sighed, deciding he’d do his best to put it all out of his mind that weekend and not act on it. He’d already texted Hazel early on to let her know he’d gotten there safely, and smiled when he got her message back telling him good luck and she’d be watching the live feed of his ride later on.

“That’s what I’ll focus on, eh girl?” He asked Dolly as they made their way toward the pens, her shod hooves gently clipping the dirt and gravel parking lot. Instead of spending his day worrying about how Matt would feel if he found out Adam had slept with Hazel, he’d think about her behind one of the few cameras pointed at the ring. He’d think about her sitting on her couch, cheering him on with her dogs getting hyper at her yelling and starting up a good-natured ruckus.

It made him smile just picturing it.

**********

The rodeo weekend turned out to be a moderate success. He and Nick had run well enough to maintain their leadership spot heading into the NFR, though he’d been distracted and hadn’t done what he knew to be his best. This would be one of the nights he would have talked down about his run just to listen to his friends encourage him with everything he’d done right, or even take their advice if they noticed what he’d missed. He’d refuse to tell them it was because he was preoccupied, but he knew he didn’t need to tell his brother that. After their first run had been less than fluid, Nick’s only words to Matt had been: She hasn’t called yet?

And Matt had felt like he was letting Nick down by having his personal life affect their scores. Still, it wasn’t as if he could help himself. Every waking second was full of Hazel. It was almost torture. He saw her out of the corner of his eyes in the crowd and felt his heart leap and sink all at the same time as he whipped his head to see if he could catch her, only to realize it was someone who just vaguely resembled her.

It’d been wrong to wait an entire week to contact her, but he’d been… Well… He’d been scared. He’d never felt the way he felt for another woman like he did Hazel. He liked women, but not enough to let them take any place in his life beside the rodeo. With Hazel? He was actually considering it. Hell, the way she occupied his mind that weekend she might as well have been there sharing the days with him.

He’d thought of calling her all week, but the more time passed that she didn’t call him left him wondering if he was making a mistake. He couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that she said he was already hurting her, and how awful that made him feel to know. He didn’t like hurting the people he cared about - the people he loved - even if he hadn’t meant to do so. Maybe her not calling him was supposed to be his hint that she was over what they’d been doing? Maybe it was too late? Maybe he’d already lost her...

But two days ago, late Friday night, he’d finally got up the courage to call her. He’d missed her, and as his heart pounded in his throat and his body felt shaky he listened to the call ring and ring and ring… then click over to voicemail.

When she hadn’t called back right away he assumed she was already asleep and he’d hear from her the next day. Saturday stretched on and on, every time his phone buzzed he jumped thinking it was her, only to feel his heart sink when it wasn’t. He hadn’t been able to sleep. Matt couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this way.

By the end of the second day his patience was worn thin. Hurt was quickly turning to anger, especially when he was so adapted to pushing away these feelings in the first place. She wasn’t even going to call him just to tell him she didn’t want to see him anymore? After all they’d been through? This was why he didn’t date. This was why he didn’t let anything go beyond a night with a pretty girl at a rodeo. This was all the stuff he didn’t want to take his focus away from what was important. This was why he let himself have fun and kissed the women who fawned over him after the show, but didn’t bother to keep their names in his phone.

The fact that his and Nick’s runs had been subpar just proved all those points he’d been telling himself all along. He really didn’t need this kind of bullshit.

Not even a text message?

Neurotic, he did what he’d been doing all weekend and pulled his cellphone out of his pocket, clicking his and Hazel’s last text messages, seeing they were still the old message, then over to the call log to see he still hadn’t missed any calls from her. Still nothing.

“Hey there, handsome.”

He frowned at the screen, not hearing the voice that’d been practically right in front of him.

“Hellooo?”

His brown eyes jumped over the top of his phone and down at the cute little cowgirl standing in front of him. She had short brown hair tucked under her cowgirl hat and pretty blue-green eyes that glimmered up at him. If his mind wasn’t so preoccupied by Hazel, he might’ve immediately realized that this girl was damn gorgeous and she was looking up at him with a look he knew all too well.

“Sorry,” he laughed dryly and clicked his phone screen back to black, shoving it into his jeans.

“Expecting a call?” She asked, tilting her head.

“Y-” He cleared his throat. “No.”

“Hmm.” She narrowed her eyes like she was trying to decide if she believed him or not. “You sure you’re not waiting on a call? Maybe from a wife or- well… -” His fingers tingled as she gently grasped his hand and turned it, seeing no ring. “A girlfriend?”

She was bold, he’d give her that.

“I don’t have a girlfriend.” The words almost hurt to get out when they used to be so smooth to say.

“Really?” She asked, half surprised, half pleased. “Hard to believe a handsome cowboy like you is single. I saw how good you handled that rope earlier…” She’d gently stroked her finger over the back of his right hand she’d been holding. She gave it a little squeeze before she let it go, a small curl of the edge of her lips speaking to a kind of mischief he was usually all too eager to pursue.

“That’s nothing,” he laughed dryly, “That wasn’t my best performance. You should see how good I normally am.” A little bitter sting at his runs this weekend. He knew he was better than that.

“Oh?” She leaned in a little and he could smell her. Vanilla. Sunshine, despite the fact that it was late Sunday night and there were stars twinkling in the sky above. Nothing like Hazel’s warm caramel coffee and fresh baked goods, which he attributed her smelling like because of her coffee shop. He felt a pang of sadness that the woman hanging on his front didn’t smell like Hazel, then decided that was better and took a deeper breath. The more of her he breathed in, the less of Hazel he’d remember.

That’s what he needed right now. This. To remember who he was and why he did this - slept with pretty women at rodeos and didn’t get attached to them - instead of dating. They didn’t know one another, but he felt like the woman he was talking to understood exactly what she was getting into. Or maybe he just wanted to tell himself that so he didn’t feel guilty about what he was going to do next.

Matt turned his hand so he could hold hers instead of her holding his, then he ran his touch up her arm and slipped his warm, calloused palm on her round cheek. He tilted her face toward his and gave her a smile he knew made most girls weak in the knees.

“What’s your name?” The pad of his thumb skimmed her lower lip and his mouth broke gently apart as his eyes fell to trace the touch. She had the prettiest lips…

“Josie.” She murmured, his thumb staying with the movement.

“Josie,” he repeated, and his smile deepened. “That’s pretty.”

It was getting easier and easier to forget his pain… or so he kept telling himself. Matt leaned in and slipped his thumb away, holding her face as his lips brushed hers. Guilt twisted in his stomach as, behind his closed eyelids, he suddenly saw Hazel’s face and it felt strange, not tasting Hazel as he kissed this woman he didn’t know.

But she leaned up, wrapping her arms around the back of his neck to pull him down closer and their mouths opened, tongues slipping along each other’s and he remembered to stop thinking about Hazel. He kissed Josie harder, dropping his hand to her hip and pulling her tighter against his body. He liked to feel it bounce off his. Surely the more and more turned on he got the more he’d stop thinking about Hazel anyways. He needed to. Hazel had clearly forgotten about him so he needed to forget about her.

She had probably spent the last week with that other guy she’d met. That's why she hadn’t called him back. She was already off with someone else who could be there for her. His fear had become reality.

Matt’s fingers squeezed tighter on Josie’s hips and her excited squeal melted warm in his mouth. A hiss of a laugh out of his nose and he turned them around, flattening her back on the fencepost as he bent his head and kissed her closer. He had to be kissing her hard enough that the coarse hair of his beard was scratching her skin. Her hat had been knocked back and off at their feet, but neither seemed to want to stop long enough to grab it. Matt’s hands slipped from around her hips and dug into the fat of her ass, pressing her even closer to his front. He grunted as she rubbed her leg on his thigh.

“What the fuck is this?” A sudden voice threw ice water over the heat that was stirring up between them.

Matt leaped off her as though touching her burned his hands, turning with wild eyes to see Adam having come around the corner and stopping short, staring at them both. His eyes left Josie and focused on Matt. Why did he look so angry?

“Mind your own business Adam, what the hell do you think this is?” Matt growled and made a conscious decision to step closer to Josie. He didn’t want her to think she’d done anything wrong, so he put a hand back on her hip and pulled her close to him.

“You’re…” Adam shook his head and laughed, but there was no humor in it.

“I’m what?” Now he slipped away from holding onto Josie, turning toward his friend with a frown digging hard across his brow. All the emotions stirred up inside him were leading him somewhere he knew he shouldn’t be. It was like a runaway train and he was helpless to stop it. “Finish your fucking sentence if you’re going to bother interrupting me.”

“You’re fucking unbelievable.” Adam glanced at the woman next to him, then back at Matt. “What about Hazel?”

“What about Hazel, Adam?” Matt scoffed and took a step toward him. “Where do you get off commenting on my relationship? You don’t even know Hazel, and whatever is going on between her and I is between her and I, you understand?”

They’d drawn in close enough that they were nearly standing nose to nose. Matt had never seen Adam this worked up and it made him even angrier to see it. Since when did Adam have any say in Matt’s relationships?

Or maybe it was because everything Adam was saying was a tangible culmination of the guilt he’d been trying to ignore.

Of course, the fact that he’d feel guilt just made him angrier. Hadn’t he said enough when he’d called her? If she’d listened to his voicemail and chosen not to call him that was all the answer he needed. He didn’t need to sit around moping over it. He was a grown adult, Hazel was a grown adult and even though they’d apparently chosen a messy way to end their almost-relationship, it was clearly over.

So again, what gave Adam any right to comment on it? What right did Adam have to be angry with Matt, anyways?

The tense moments crept by in seconds that felt drawn out into minutes.

Adam shook his head and broke eye-contact first, looking down between them as he smiled and sucked at the back of his teeth. “Whatever, Matt.” He turned and walked away and Matt let him, even though his fist was curled at his side and some rage-fueled part of his brain told him it would have felt good to hit Adam for that look. For trying to make him feel guilty for something he didn’t know or understand.

The quiet permeated the small area as Adam left and Matt half expected when he turned around he’d find Josie had made her exit, deciding her attempt to get a hook-up with him wasn’t worth all this personal drama. He couldn’t blame her, really.

“So, who’s Hazel?”

He was surprised when she spoke up, though his shoulders tensed.

“She’s…” he turned and looked at Josie, who had her brow cocked as she looked at him. At some point she’d bent to pick her hat up and dusted it off before setting it back on her head. “It doesn’t matter who she is.” He tried not to pay attention to the little sting on his heart to say it. “She’s not here.”

“I am.” Josie said boldly with a smile, drawing in closer to him.

“Yeah.” Matt turned to face her fully again and put the anger in Adam’s eyes out of his mind along with all the uncertainties and emotions that came with thinking about Hazel. “You are.”

He leaned down and put his mouth back on hers, deciding he was ready to just forget everything and go back to his old ways. It may not have given him the wholeness he’d felt with Hazel, but it hadn’t given him this kind of pain, either.

**********

TEXT FROM: Rosie

Have you listened to it yet?

Hazel read the message on her phone after tugging it from her jeans. She’d just untacked and cooled Daisy down from their ride, giving her a good rub down before she turned her loose in the arena. Hazel bit at her lip and replied.

TEXT TO: Rosie

Not yet…

She knew she needed to. Late Friday evening Matt had called and left a voicemail on her phone which she’d seen Saturday morning after Adam left. She knew she’d needed to listen to it, but every time she clicked her voicemails and prepared herself, she chickened out. She and Adam had talked a little in text and once on the phone, but she hadn’t told him about the missed call. It already seemed wrong enough that Adam knew about her deal with Matt and everything else, but Matt had been kept completely in the dark through the whole thing.

She hadn’t told Adam she’d tuned in to the rodeo’s live stream early enough to catch the tag roping to watch Matt’s runs, either.

Now it was Tuesday afternoon, with the sunset just a few short hours away. Hazel needed to do the adult thing and listen to the message. If it was Matt saying his goodbyes then she needed to accept the reality that was dealt to her that things were really over between them. She and Adam could begin figuring out how they’d eventually be together and maybe, in time, her heart wouldn’t hurt every time she saw or heard from Matt.

TEXT FROM: Rosie

Babe…

Hazel sighed.

TEXT TO: Rosie

I know, I know.

Rosie had told her days ago to listen to it and had even gone as far as to offer to listen to it for her. Hazel had appreciated it, but she knew she needed to listen to it herself.

She also knew it was wrong of her to have taken this long. She just wasn’t ready to feel the full brunt of the heartbreak she hadn’t anticipated. She hadn’t even meant to fall in love in the first place.

She almost laughed then, realizing that she’d never even told him she was in love with him and now they were probably through.

Hazel drew a breath and leaned on the arena fence, trying not to think about the day she, Matt, his brother and all their friends had all come together to build it. She shook her head and clicked her phone off her text message conversation with Rosie and to her voicemail screen. Right there on top was his unread message, still waiting for her as it had been for days. Hazel clicked it and felt her stomach drop, lifting to hold the phone to her ear.

“Hey, Hazel? It’s Matt. Listen… I…” His voice was heavy. He sighed. “I know our last call didn’t go great and I know me not calling or texting you hasn’t helped. To tell you the truth I’ve been… I’ve been freaked out. I don’t do good when I’m… well, I’m not used to being scared like this. I don’t know when and I don’t know how, but Hazel, I care about you more than I’ve cared about someone in - hell - forever. I care about you like I care about Nick, except not like - he’s my brother and you… well. You get it. Look, I know I’m not making much sense and I’m having trouble figuring out what I’m trying to say. I had it all in my head and kept practicing what I wanted to tell you this whole week. The thing is, Hazel, I think there’s a chance I’m…” He trailed off and her heart beat so fast she felt sick. “Well… I know I don’t have any right to keep asking you to hang on, and I know you’re right, there’s no difference if we date now or if we date later but… I want to do this thing right, you know? When we… Hell...if we decided to be more official. I want to be there for you full-time, not when I’m preoccupied with the rodeo season. Does that make sense? Maybe it doesn’t… I don’t know. I just… all I know is that I miss you, Hazel, and I can’t stop thinking about our last call. Just… listen… if you still want us to maybe work toward something, give me a call back, alright? I know I’m not perfect and I know I’m pretty terrible at this relationship thing and I know you met someone else and I keep thinking it’s pry better for you to have someone who can take care of you right while I keep making all these mistakes but… damnit, Hazel.” His voice had gotten tight and she realized he was fighting off tears. “I think I’m… I think I’m falling in love with you and that scares the shit out of me. You don’t owe me anything, you don’t even have to call me back, but I really, really hope you will.”

The message clicked and Matt’s voice was gone.

Hazel took a sharp, shaky breath that tasted like tears. The vision of Dolly standing in the far corner of the arena blurred as more tears filled her eyes and ran down her cheeks, cold as they slipped and fell one after the other to the dirt below.

#hangman adam page fanfiction #hangman page fanfiction #adam page fanfiction #aew fanfiction #matt jackson fanfiction #all elite wrestling #aew #my fics: hangman adam page #my fics: matt jackson #my fics: starlight #mine: fanfiction

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yummysweetroll · 4 years

Text

It’s not a date, ok?!

The Hamburger day was the most anticipated day of the month and used to fill the Vault 101 cafeteria. The older and post - G.O.A.T teens attended at lunchtime, the younger ones after school in the late afternoon. But there was a window of time where it was possible to eat in peace ... Fifteen thirty.

This month, they said there would be some changes to the event. The Overseer had announced a sale: when buying two hamburgers, the big fries were half the price! That was a bargain! Anna was excited for the day, she loved fries and would be a good opportunity to go out with a friend and share snacks! But her enthusiasm was soon drained when she saw that no one was as excited as she was and they would not accompany her... Her father and Jonas started a new project in the reactor, Amata had started a new diet by cutting all kinds of snacks, Freddie Gomez had already gone with some of the Tunnels Snakes in the morning and Beatrice, well, as much as Anna liked her, today she wasn’t very patient to put up with the crazy stories.

Then, when the clock struck fifteen, Anna closed the small clinic she took care of in the afternoon and headed alone to the cafeteria. Her feet carried her automatically, since her mind was distracted by fiddling with her pip boy and thinking that she would probably save the extra hamburger for Jonas. At the entrance to the cafeteria, she already noticed said changes: Instead of asking Andy directly for the hamburger now she had to place an order with Tom Holden, who was outside of the cafeteria writing on a form and then just handed it over to Mister Handy. Good thing she had been thinking about the order all afternoon!

Anna: “Hello Tom, good afternoon! Can I order now? I want two cheeseburgers, a large fries and a Nuka-Cherry. Ple…

As Tom took the order, Anna felt an arm go over her shoulders and shed her weight, while modifying the order she had just placed.

Butch: “Change the order Holden. Okay, there will still be two cheeseburgers but one will be without salad and the other with salad. You already have the big fries, right? Then put on a Nuka-Dark and Cherry. Do you want anything else, Crybaby? ”

Just as Tom looked confused at Anna, she casted the same look at the last being in the vault that she would think of sharing a hamburger with.

Anna: "Deloria, wh ... What are you doing?" - freeing herself from the boy's arms-

Butch: “Me? Well, first, girls shouldn't eat that much. Second: You don't want to end up like Amata do you? Third: Coming to eat hamburgers alone is a loser thing ... So, I came to save you and do my good deed today. ” -For him it seemed very obvious, besides the factor of being able to get a free snack-

Anna scowled, hated how Butch managed to get her off the ground. And there was not a single day in her life when she had peace, since Butch was in almost each one of them.

Anna: ”Who do you think you are Butch, to speak of Amata like that ?! She is not fat, it’s just an eating disorder! She's already getting treated! ”

Butch: “blah, blah blah ... Don't give me your silly terms, Little nurse. I don't care. In the end, you two will end up fat and nobody will want you. Isn't it Holden ?! - Asked with disgust without waiting to receive the answer from the attendant-

Anna: “I AM A DOCTOR! I don't care what you think! And for your information, Brian invited me to the movie night on Friday night. ” -The girl replied with all the disdain that she managed to gather while she got the form and went inside the cafeteria-

Ok ... This information came quickly and the boy did not expect it. he didn't care it was another fight with her, but what about that invitation? This ended up leaving him a little shaken, he looked at the girl's back, blinking those bright blue eyes processing the situation. What do you mean that idiot would have a date with the most boring guy in the vault? And even on movie night. Everyone knows that movie night is for couples and ... Well, she couldn't do well with this discussion. As far as he remembered, Anna always went with Amata or at most with that idiot Freddie and he knew that nothing happened, right ?! But now it was different.

Butch: YOU'RE NOT FUCKING GOING OUT WITH THAT JERK, Nosebleed. ” - The boy shot through the cafeteria, his luck was that it was relatively empty. He tried to find a plausible answer, but it was difficult and for a few seconds he thought he was stupid for not being able to form a complete sentence - “I swear… Aren't you always going with Amata? because now with… What if… ”

Anna looked over her shoulder with a little smile as she saw an embarrassed Butch trying to prevent that encounter. Since he was a child, Butch proved to be very skilled in getting around some situations without losing his pose. He was great with lies and intimidation, in addition to looking like he knew things when something interested him, but over time the girl began to notice the small signs that he showed when something got out of his control, such as when someone came into contact with delicate subjects: radroachs, anything about his mother Ellen and Anna's supposed romantic interests (Paul still has a part of his tooth broken because he gave her a valentine card), were treated with some kind of aggression. Over time she learned to deal with Butch's huge ego and in some situations, like today, she was able to have fun with all that. She liked to see him lose his badass pose. It made her feel a little nostalgia for when they were children and were really true to each other. While lost in his thoughts and pretending to hear what Butch said, Andy placed the dishes on the counter and thanked ...

Anna: “And what are you going to do, Butch ?! C'mon, stop talking and get the drinks. ” - Commanded the girl taking the plates and pushing him with her shoulders slightly followed by a little smile-

Butch still hasn't managed to say anything, but he did as he was told and joined the girl at the counter that faced the hall window. The two began to eat in silence and just watched people passing in the hall, casting curious looks, others of disapproval, but nothing more than what they were already used to.

Anna's hamburger was delicious, especially with the taste of the little victory over Butch ... And to improve Brian went down the hall and waved to Anna, who returned, making his table partner roll his eyes.

Butch: “Tell me Nosebleed. Are you really going out with that clown? ” -Asked in a calm tone, almost docile-

Anna: “Probably. I didn't get any better invitations for Friday anyway. ” Shrugging her shoulders while finishing wiping her mouth-

Butch just sniffed in response and pretended to be interested in his Nuka-dark. Anna looked at him out of the corner of her eye and while stealing a potato from the boy's plate, she continued the matter.

Anna: “But you know what? I think I will receive another invitation.” - Cleaning her fingers and taking a sip of the soda-

Butch took another sip of his soda and even though he didn't look at her, the girl noticed the blue eyes dancing while his mind was working to get the best responses of indifference to her. she continued smiling, nowadays it is so easy to decipher that boy.

Butch: “ You are too confident Nosebleed! Besides, if there is someone stupid enough to invite you, it is certainly a person who is not worth it ”

Anna: “Oh yeah ?! Because I think there is someone who is worth it and is super stupid enough for that. ” - She replied smiling, but this time facing him-

Their eyes met and Anna could see Butch's ear turn red. And just as he tried to maintain his pose, Anna tried to relieve the heat that her cheeks were emanating. Perhaps they both felt a hook pulling their belly buttons , perhaps those butterflies? What was it like to deal with them? Maybe it was better to just be silent, because it happened again, just being broken by another little sniff from the boy followed by a shy and awkward smile.

Butch: "You are too confident..." - He repeated as he focused on sharing his part of the potatoes with her. Doing everything not to face her-

Anna: "Sure, sure... Popcorn is on me!" - replied the girl laughing, pushing a Butch again in embarrassment while serving herself the fries-

Did the message reach him? Or did she look very desperate? Will he take it seriously? It probably didn't matter so much at the moment ... They were too young for any of that kind of concern, moreover it was just a movie session on Friday and today was only the hamburger day...

#butch deloria #butch x lone wanderer #Vault 101 #anna maria campbell #famale lone wanderer #lone wanderer #Fallout Art #fanfic #fallout #i didn't die #i'm alive #fallout 3 #FO3 OC #FO3 #my art

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heartofether · 3 years

Text

Bonus Episode #3 - Leave a Message TRANSCRIPT

[You can listen to the show wherever you get your podcasts, or go to our “Listen” page if you’re on desktop.]

VAL

Hey there! Val here with a couple of special announcements before our third bonus episode. First off, our season two release date has been set and will soon be announced. Before then, however, we have an abundance of teasers and bonus content coming your way. Be sure to follow us on Twitter and Tumblr to keep up with all of our new releases.

Second, do you want to talk to other Heart of Ether fans, either about the show or whatever else your heart desires? We now have an official Discord server! We have automatic roles, specialized channels, daily quotes and question of the day, and in the future, we may use it to host special events. The invite link is on our socials and our Carrd, and we would love it if you joined us!

Last but certainly not least: we all like tea, right? What about podcast-themed tea? That’s right, you can now buy The Heart of Ether-themed tea with the help of Adagio Teas! (not sponsored, just using the service) A portion of the proceeds will go to The Trevor Project, which helps provide crisis intervention and suicide prevention for LGBTQ+ youth. The link to browse our tea collection will be in the description of this episode, or on our socials if you want to look there.

Right, I’m done with my rambling. Here’s another bonus fluff episode—and this time I at least 90% mean it! Talk to you soon!

AUTOMATED VOICE

Please state your message.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS.]

[THE DIALOGUE THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE EPISODE IS SLIGHTLY MUFFLED, AS IF THEY ARE SPEAKING OVER THE PHONE.]

ROSE

Hi! This is Rosemary Quinn. Unfortunately, I’m not able to return your call right now, but leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Have a lovely day!

[PHONE BEEP.]

IRENE

Hey, it’s Irene. I just wanted to check and see when you’d be coming over? Text me and let me know if you have an estimate.

Oh, and my dad is going to the store, so I know you mentioned wanting to make brownies? Did you mean, like, from scratch or is just a box mix fine? ‘Cause I’m good with whatever. Just text me what you need, and I’ll ask him to pick it up. See you later! Bye!

[PHONE BEEP.]

IRENE

Hey. It’s Irene. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you. Thanks.

[PHONE BEEP.]

ROSE

Hi, Irene! I’m sorry to call, but you said you were having some issues with your texts, so I thought this would be a safer bet. Are you available after school today? If you don’t mind, I could really use some help with the chemistry homework. You seemed to at least kind of understand it, or maybe you were just pretending like the rest of us were. [SHE GIGGLES.]

I also just am not super fond of Mr. Morrison. Nobody is. I mean, I try to be nice to him, nicer than most other students, and I think he likes me for that. It doesn’t mean he’s actually willing to be helpful, though. I think he sees me as some sort of air-headed bimbo, which is both misogynistic and presumptuous. Olivia told me he might be retiring, though, so fingers crossed?

Anyways, would we be able to meet up and work on it together? I’ll buy you a coffee for your time. Just let me know! Oh, and no need to call me back, we’ll see each other at school most likely. I just thought I’d call and ask before I forgot. I’ll talk to you later, bye!

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

IRENE

Hey, are you still at the school? I try to have school spirit—sometimes—but events really aren’t my thing. Maddy seemed to be into it, though, so I figured you might still be hanging out with her.

Anyways, if you decide you’re done with it, I was thinking about going to Sonic and it’d be great if you tagged along? It’s not the same when I go by myself. I’ll pay, obviously, since I’m the one inviting you. Call me back if you’re interested, and we can work something out. Alright, bye.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF DISTANT CONVERSATION AS ROSE TALKS]

ROSE

Hi there, Maddy just wanted me to tell you that when you get here, make sure you go through the back door so you don’t disturb her grandparents. They’re not in a great mood tonight. You’ll have to hop the fence, but if you need help, I can go down there. I’m excited to see you! Bye!

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[THERE IS A SLIGHT BREEZE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.]

IRENE

Hey there, I just wanted to apologize for leaving in such a rush. It was just a lot, and I didn’t really, well. I honestly didn’t feel super welcome there? That’s not your fault, though. It was everyone else.

It just—I don’t want to sound rude, but it doesn’t feel like our “group” actually cares about me a lot? I mean, maybe it’s because of my interests, or because I don’t dress or act like stereotypical straight girls do. I’ve known them all since freshman year, but honestly? You’re the only one I’ve ever really clicked with.

They like you, though. Everyone does. I don’t mean that in a snarky or jealous way. Just in the way that…well, you’re Rosemary Quinn. Everyone wants to be your friend, I guess. You just have that aura.

[A BEAT, THEN, EMBARRASSED] God, I’m sorry, that’s such a weird thing to say. I’m really not good at this whole friends thing, huh? I’m surprised you’ve stuck around for this long. I called you to apologize—now for multiple things it appears—but also to tell you that if you’re looking for me, I went to the park. It’s like a five-minute walk from Maddy’s house, and I have my board with me, so that helped.

I’m sure you’re not looking for me. You’re probably having fun at Maddy’s birthday party. You texted me to ask if I was okay, though, so I guess that’s why I called. You always do. You’re the one person who’s consistently cared, who’s always checked in on me when my social anxiety kicks in and I decide to leave early. Is that how you are with everyone, or…?

Jeez, I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Just, sorry for running off, I’m at the park sitting on the swings if you need me. Bye.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

IRENE

[SOMEWHAT DESPERATE] Hey, it’s Irene. Please call me back. I— [SHE HUFFS.] I really think we need to talk.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

IRENE

[DEFEATED] This is my third time trying to call you. At this point, I’m pretty certain you’re actually ignoring me.

I’m not mad, Rose. I promise I’m not. It was—it was nice! I liked it. Really liked it, actually, um. But you ran off to go home before we could really talk about it, and now it really feels like you. Well. Like you didn’t mean to, and now you regret it.

[SHE GROANS.] I’m not saying that to guilt trip you. I mean, maybe I’ve got it completely wrong. Maybe you’re scared that I didn’t like it, which isn’t true. Which would mean that we’re just walking in circles around each other, worried about what the other thinks. It would be funny if I wasn’t so worried about you.

[A BEAT, THEN] Do you wanna know the truth, Rose? I’ll tell you.

[SOFTER] Do you remember when we were building snowmen back in December, outside of the school? You made one named—god, I don’t remember. Was it Queen of the Valley? Some sort of royalty. You always come up with such extravagant names for things, it’s…

Anyways, you said what would make it perfect is if it had a crown to wear. By some absolutely absurd coincidence, I had a paper crown in my locker. I had learned to make them during study hall when I got bored. The school was still open, so I ran back inside through the empty hallways to go grab it.

When I came back outside, you grinned, your cheeks rosy and your hair still a mess from the wind that had only just died down. You took the crown from me, and you looked me in the eyes, giggling. You said, “I could kiss you right now.” Then you ran to give her majesty the crown.

And I didn’t say it. Of course I didn’t. I was too scared of that feeling I felt. I felt so warm, even with a blizzard on the horizon, and that terrified me. I wanted you to kiss me, though. I wished so badly that you had, it physically ached.

I gazed at you there, as you placed the paper crown upon the Queen’s head, Maddy rolling her eyes, but still smiling. In the moment, though, I hardly processed she was even there. I didn’t even process the groundskeeper glaring at us, or the cars driving past as teachers left for the day. As I stared at you, it was like you were the only thing I had ever known, and all I remember thinking was, “This is what will destroy me. This will be my downfall.”

[A PAUSE, THEN, HOPEFUL] But maybe it doesn’t have to be. Because you did kiss me, in the end. I’m glad you did.

Call me back, please?

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[THERE IS BACKGROUND NOISE HEARD AS ROSE STANDS OUTSIDE OF HER HOUSE.]

ROSE

[SINKING INTO DISAPPOINTMENT] Hi, Irene! Just, um…just making sure we’re still going to the dance together. I’m outside my house waiting. My mom’s starting to get pretty upset with me for not being gone already, and just uh…standing here like an idiot. Won’t let me come back inside, though, because she thinks that if I’m not out here, you’ll—actually, I won’t try to understand her reasoning. I haven’t been able to for the past sixteen years.

But, um…please let me know? I’ll be waiting. Goodbye.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[IRENE IS HEARD DESPERATELY TRYING TO GET HER SHOES ON AND GET OUT THE DOOR.]

IRENE

Rose, I am so, so, so sorry I’m late. I promise, I’m on my way, I’m literally—

[HER DAD CALLS OUT, MUFFLED BY THE DOOR, AND SHE CALLS BACK]

IRENE

Yeah, I’m coming!

[THEN, AS SHE'S HEARD RACING ACROSS THE CARPET] I don’t wear makeup very often and I kept messing up my eyeliner and by the time I looked at the clock—I’m sorry. I have no idea how I’m supposed to make this up to you, but I’ll be there as fast as I can, okay?

[MUTTERING, CURSING HERSELF AS SHE PACKS HER BAG] First dance I get with you and it’s the only one I’m late to. Of course it is.

[SHE'S HEARD WALKING OUT OF HER ROOM, THE DOOR OPENING.]

IRENE

Okay, I’m going outside now. I love you. See you soon.

[PHONE BEEP.]

[THIS TAKES PLACE SECONDS AFTER THE LAST ONE.]

IRENE

[SLOWLY] So. I just told you I love you. I didn't mean to, but if you feel that way, too, then great. If not, then just pretend it was a slip of the tongue and we can spend the rest of the night pretending it never happened! Yeah. Um. Yeah. See you soon.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[THERE IS AMBIANCE OF THE CAFE AND PASSERBYS AS ROSE TALKS.]

ROSE

Hi, I’m outside of the cafe now! I haven’t ordered yet, so we can go in together.

[A BEAT, THEN, SOFTER] I brought something for you. Early this morning, when dawn was just barely teasing the sky, I couldn’t fall back asleep. I have no idea why I woke up in the first place. Maybe my muscles knew something I didn’t. I decided to slip out through my bedroom window, though.

If my mom noticed, she hasn’t told me yet. She knew I was going out today, but I’m sure I’ll still come home to her sitting on the couch intently, giving me that look she always does. I don’t care. She can do whatever she wants.

I got on my bike and I rode out to the park—not the one we usually go to. This one is in the opposite direction. It’s much vaster, less playset and more nature. There were flowers that had just started blooming. I picked some with the gentlest hand I could manage. I wish I had thought to bring scissors, but I hope the flowers will forgive me for my carelessness.

I thought long and hard before picking each one, making sure the colors matched just right, that the sweet scent they produced was in perfect harmony. I tied them with a ribbon I had around my wrist, and sealed it with a kiss, just for you. It took me all morning.

[A BEAT, THEN, SHE GIGGLES] Oh, wait, I think I just saw you pull in. Okay, I’ll talk to you in a second—

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

IRENE

Hey. Just wanted to make sure you got home safe. I love you. Call me back when you hear this, okay?

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

ROSE

[LAUGHING] God, I must have just missed you. Yes, I got home safe. Thank you for checking, dear. Sir Griffin the Third says hello!

[TO SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD] Hey, look, it’s Irene. Say hello!

[IRENE SHIFTS. SIR GRIFFIN THE THIRD IS HEARD PURRING. HE GIVES A SMALL MEOW.]

ROSE

[GIGGLING] I’ll talk to you later, I love you!

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

IRENE

[HER VOICE CRACKING] Hey, I just saw your texts about your mom. Are you okay? Do you need me to come pick you up? You’re more than welcome to spend the night at my place. My dad said you can stay as long as you need, so don’t worry about that, okay?

I wish I could do more to help. I wish I could make her stop. Have you told your aunts about some of the stuff she’s done? They sound like good people, from what you’ve told me. I know they live far away, but still, they might be able to do something.

Right, um, just let me know if you need me to come get you. I love you. Bye.

[PHONE BEEP.]

[THERE IS RUSTLING AS ROSE LOOKS THROUGH HER BAG.]

ROSE

Hi, I’m sorry to bother you. I just wanted to check, did I lose my bracelet at your house? I can’t find it anywhere. It’s the one you gave me, and I really, really don’t want to lose it. It’s like a good charm for me. Please text me if you find it. If not, it’s okay. It might just be somewhere I haven’t checked yet. Thank you, honey. I love you. Goodbye.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF HER CAR ENGINE, ALONG WITH SOFT GUITAR PLAYING OVER THE SPEAKER.]

IRENE

Hey, I’m parked outside! It’s okay if you’re not done yet, I can wait. I know you like to take your time getting ready for dances, and it definitely pays off. You’re gonna look beautiful regardless, though, so just come out when you’re ready. Love you!

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

ROSE

[TIRED] Hi. I’m sorry to call you so late. To be frank, I didn’t expect you to pick up at all, but I know you’ll hear this in the morning. I hope you’re sleeping well, by the way. I— [SHE YAWNS.] I can’t sleep. That’s not unusual, but I’ve just been thinking a lot.

Do you remember when you fell in the creek? It was late autumn, and even though I pulled you out just seconds after, your teeth were already clattering. I wanted to cry, you looked so miserable, but you acted like it was hardly a big deal.

That one coffee shop was the closest warm building, so I had to take you there. One of the baristas brought out some towels for you, and even gave you a free hot coffee. I should visit them again one day, if they still work there. Maybe bring them a thank-you gift.

Anyways, I gave you my jacket, which you almost refused because you didn’t want me to be cold, but I honestly didn’t even notice it. Once we were almost certain you weren’t going to catch frostbite, we went back to your car and drove back to your house.

On the way there, while we were at a stoplight, you looked at me and said, “I’m just happy it wasn’t you.”

I laughed and said, “Well, it feels like I was in there with you. I got chills just looking at you.”

You said, “Is that how relationships work? We feel each other’s pain?”

And I said, “What happens when one of us dies, then? Will the other die, too?”

And you said, “I hope so. I can’t imagine life without you.”

“But what if you could just live your life for me?” I said. “If one of us dies early, the other should have to live double the life to make up for it.”

You hummed, and then said something I’ll never forget: “I may continue living, but that doesn’t mean I’ll like it. Life is so wonderful when you’re in the world.”

And I should have told you, then, that whatever wonder I bring is only because of you. Every time you smile, or say something stupid, or brush your hair out of your face, there’s a bit more color in the world. I think our colors bleed together, then. You are a universe in my hands and I love you more than both of our lifetimes could ever contain.

And I didn’t have the words to describe it all until right this moment. I couldn’t afford to forget.

So, I love you. In this life and the next. Goodnight, dear.

[TWO PHONE BEEPS.]

[IRENE'S DAD IS HEARD TALKING ON THE PHONE IN ANOTHER ROOM. ON THE MIC, IRENE IS HEARD QUIETLY CRYING. THERE ARE FOOTSTEPS OUT IN THE HALL. THE DOOR OPENS.]

DETECTIVE

[DISTANT] Ms. Gray, could I please speak to you?

[A PAUSE AS IRENE SOBS.]

IRENE

[QUIET, SHAKILY] Please pick up.

[PHONE BEEP.]

AUTOMATED VOICE

Today's quote is: “Foul smell of the things that we do to escape There is no glamour in this. No rock and roll. This is just endings. This is just grief.”

Kate Tempest in Hold Your Own, 2014.

[OUTRO MUSIC AND CREDITS PLAY.]

#heart of ether transcripts

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oneofthemillionarmy · 4 years

Text

The Impossible Order | Ch.2

Summary line: Mr. Min is a stoic boss who will never outwardly show appreciation for you. Not until you’re gone does he recognize how much you do. And what you do matters to him.

ceo!Yoongi | best.friend!Hoseok | romance, fluff, angst, and stuff

Loosely inspired by Secretary Kim and this third bullet point of the prompt list

Last chapter

~•~

Last night, one of the Peruvian suppliers was able to promise 250 ct worth of tourmaline, but it would be delivered in two weeks rather than the originally intended week and a half. Knowing your boss is one for deadlines and punctuality, you believe he’d prefer Hestia Sourcing. Despite your own gut telling you that Peruvian Treasures will pay off in the long run. Regardless of the turnaround time from your main supplier, the 200 ct in two weeks will keep the remaining four projects afloat before the regular shipment. However, you still report the remaining two supplier response and quotes, also providing your own input. Mr. Min says he prefers Hestia; as expected.

“How goes the status on our tourmaline crisis?” Mr. Min asks as he sips on his third cup of coffee this morning.

“Hestia Sourcing has already been officially contacted for their shipment of tourmaline to arrive in a week and a half. Jimin is currently working with Kim Taehyung on the new design for the frame. Seokjin has already crafted two other designs for you to look at today before he meets with Yoo Jae Suk tomorrow. Beyoncé loves alexandrite, but the tourmaline was intended to match with her costumer designer’s vision for the Met Gala, so he’s unwilling to make changes. Your father had already ok’d the change for your parent’s anniversary gift, so we can switch their gemstones with alexandrite instead. The JP team has already started working on the mold for the Jubilee. And marketing just emailed me the final draft for the letter to the customers and PR is still working with marketing for the ethically sourced advertisement. They are utilizing internet ad platforms, both short clip video ads and on social media.” You handed him your tablet for him to read over the final draft letter and Seokjin’s designs.

“Tell marketing to go ahead with the letter. Also, tell Seokjin that I would also like to see his first design with silver instead of rose gold.”

“Yes, Mr. Min.”

“Today I’m meeting with Jasper and Jester Industries over Zoom at 12:30. Tell the tech team I want to use the hologram projector during this meeting because we’re showing them the prototype today. Speaking of prototype, I need to see the prototype from the TP team by 10. Go to L’Orange today for lunch today; I want the lamb chops. James and Soobin will be coming at 1:30 to go over the purchasing of the mine sites for the cobalt mining. Check back in with me at 2 on the Kim Taehyung project and the marketing strategy. I want to see Seokjin’s new designs by 3. And check with our supply team if we’re maintaining our upkeep of inventory. If not, I need a list before 11 this morning along with suppliers’ response for turnaround time and quotes.”

“Yes, Mr. Min.” You had your hands clasped behind your back the entire time.

“Another coffee please.”

“Yes, Mr. Min.” Without another word, you step out and take out your recorder. You play back his directives as you get the coffee.

~•~

“Hey, Hoseok.” You sigh as you pour hot water into your instant noodle bowl for lunch.

“Hey, Sunshine.” You chuckle. If the either of you were the sunshine, it’d be him.

“How’s Yeontan?”

“He’s fine. The vet says that he’s a little underfed, but otherwise, he’s still the most adorable Yeontan-ie that has ever lived.” Hoseok gushes at the puppy in his lap as he drives on his way back to his home. Hoseok will be holding onto Yeontan until the weekend.

“Ok. That’s good news. Was he good at the vet?”

“He hates the vet. You should know that better than I do. I was a dog catcher for 30 minutes. And he caused a whole waiting room full of dogs into a frenzy. Did you know that one of the people there brought their snake? I hate those. Yeontan almost fought a snake! You have no idea how hard it was for me to finally grab Yeontan before anything drastic happened.” You laugh as he goes on about his heroic deed of saving your pup from a snake.

“You did very well. Thank you, Hoseok.”

“Never mind that, Blessings. Hey. Are you coming over today after work?”

“I might. My boss has been very extra today. Every ten minutes, his chat bubble pops up adding 3 more things to do. But honestly, with the amount of things going on today, he shouldn’t have anything else left to do tonight. I might actually get off work on time.

“Good. Good. ‘Cause I was thinking –“ before Hoseok can finish his words, you hear the sound of a car swerve.

“Hoseok? You ok?”

“Yeah. Some idiot w-“ and the line cut off.

~•~

At 12:15, you were nowhere to be found. You left a message to Yoongi that you had to take the day off. Everything you were requested to do was already set in motion like a Rube Goldberg machine. You texted him saying that there are cups and cups of coffee in the fridge ready for him. If he wants hot, he’ll have to wait another day. And as promised, everything Yoongi needed was here. He had everything he needed. You just weren’t there to provide it.

“Where’s Y/N?” Seokjin asks as he comes in at 3pm like clockwork, “I would’ve thought she’d give me that 20-minute warning like she always does when I have a meeting with you.” She does that?

“I don’t know. She took a half day. I haven’t seen her since 11 or something.” Yoongi says nonchalantly as he looks over the Seokjin’s work. Seokjin just blinks at that before he starts slowly, “That’s not like her. Is everything ok? Do you know what happened?”

“No.”

“It’s just not like her to –“

“I like it better in silver this way.” Yoongi cuts him off, gesturing to the new designs.

“Heh. Yeah, Y/N said you would. I wanted to show you the rose gold one first anyway.” Seokjin chuckles as he sits down across the table from him, “Speaking of Y/N,” I wasn’t speaking about her…, “You got the supplies list for JP, TP, and HP, right? She told me you were working with the cobalt mine sites today. She told me to tell you that since cobalt is one of the supplies on the list, and the mine site wouldn’t be ready just yet, she contacted 3 different cobalt miners and selected Arrows for the cobalt supply.”

“She should’ve come to me first about the different miners. We have our upcoming product from HP –“

“The ceramic tiles for Ms. James’ bathroom. Yeah. She contacted HP. They require 300 g and Arrows is the only one with the adequate amount of supply. It will be here in 5 days.” Seokjin stands up and walks over to Yoongi’s kitchen, “All the other suppliers have been contacted. She sent me the list and wants me to report it to you.”

“You’re just a designer for the jewelry department,” Yoongi says as he looks through his email to see if you sent him any recent emails. Nothing.

“Give me some credit. I’ve got a brain and it’s used for more than just designing. Don’t forget, before I was a designer, I was also your assistant too.”

“Yeah, a pretty bad one.” Yoongi snorts. It’s why he needed you.

“We were just a startup! We literally just graduated then.” Seokjin protests as he come back over and sets down a steaming hot cup of coffee in front of Yoongi.

“I thought Y/N only had iced ones left.”

“She did, but she instructed me to heat up one for you before we go over the list with you.” Seokjin scoots his chair closer as he whips out his tablet to bring up the supplies list, “And one for after.”

~•~

“Mr. Jung has suffered a serious blow to the head and is currently unconscious. We don’t know when he will wake at this point. His left arm has scarring from the glass shatters from the window when the car was impacted. His left leg has a hairline fracture and the patella was dislocated but has already been set back. Luckily, his left leg is the worst of the limbs. There’s bruising on the right thigh and right elbow also has bruising. The bruises are likely from holding on to the dog during impact. His right arm has some muscle tears do to strain.

“Right now, our biggest concern is when he will wake up. He had internal bleeding in the brain but the blood has been removed and there’s no clotting, in his brain or anywhere near his spine. Everything is where it needs to be, and there’s nothing that indicated long term brain damage or trauma. But we won’t know for sure until he wakes up.” The doctor nods his head and leaves.

You sniff as you cross your arms, staring at your best friend lying in the hospital bed. His head is wrapped as well as his left arm. His left leg is currently suspended in its cast. By his left eyes and cheeks, are massive bruises that still look sticky and gooey.

If only I didn’t let him take Yeontan…

“How’s my dog?”

“We checked in with the vet hospital nearby. Your dog has no extreme injuries, only mild bruising. The doctor wants him to stay overnight for observation.” The nurse reports to you. You shiver from the lonely air of the hospital.

“You can go in and see the patient right now, but please do not touch him. And visiting hours will be over in 40 minutes.” The nurse gently reminds you before you nod, thanking the nurse and heading in.

Walking towards Hoseok, your nose feels the burn as tears well up in your eyes. Before you even reach Hoseok’s bed, the tears already overflow out.

“I’m so sorry Hoseok. This is my fault.” And he’s a dancer too…oh my God, he’s a dancer….his limbs…

Your tears quickly turn into hysterical sobs, thinking too many things at once. Your greatest prayer is that he wakes up and he is completely healed. You start hyperventilating so you sit down and take deep breaths.

Although you were instructed not to touch him, you couldn’t resist to at least clutch to the hospital blankets next to his right hand, your knuckles touching each other’s.

“Please wake up, Hoseok. I’ll never have you do anything else for me. I’m sorry if I ever took advantage of you. Please know that I never once took you for granted. You are my dearest friend and I don’t want anyone else for a best friend. I promise to hug you more. I promise to cook for you. I’ll do it at your house. You don’t have to come to mine. I’ll clean up my mess after too. I’m here for you, I promise. I really am. I’m not leaving you, I swear to God. Please just wake up and be ok. You’re gonna be ok. I promise.” You turn to look to the hospital window to make sure no one sees you. You grab his right hand and lean down to kiss it, “Please wake up.”

Your phone in your pocket vibrates and you take it out.

The board members meeting is tomorrow at 8am. Please gather the data and reports from the teams ready by 6am. I will look over it before the meeting.

“Fuck you. No. Not now.” You grit your teeth and put the phone back in the pocket.

Your tears are both sad and angry now, but you know you need to calm down. Nothing drastic.

You take a couple deep breaths before you wipe your tears and take your phone out again to write an email. You look up as you think for a moment. Make that three.

Next chapter

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theschizoidblog · 4 years

Text

Anger Outbursts

Blog 3: 11/07/2020

I want to start this particular blog post by saying that what I am about to describe today, might not be very common in schizoids. Maybe it’s not schizoid at all. Maybe it’s just me. Schizoids have what I’ve seen described as “flat affect” – as in that they show very little emotions. However, during my lifetime, I’ve had a few anger outbursts. These might be PTSD related in some cases. PTSD *is* common in schizoids. These attacks have been happening at an increasing rate in my lifetime. Hardly at all before the age of 30, but then more and more after that age until I decided it was one of the reasons to seek therapy.

The outbursts are usually incredibly brief. Such an outburst only lasts a few minutes, sometimes just a matter of seconds, but the spike of adrenaline often affects me for a few days, and afterwards, I’m a sobbing mess of guilt and other negative emotions for often hours in a row, and I’m exhausted as hell.

I will describe the triggers and my own reaction and what the experience is like. Sometimes I call it an anger outburst, but it could also be a form of anxiety attack or adrenaline attack or panic attack. I honestly don’t know the correct, professional distinction between all of them.

When it happens, my fight or flight response is triggered, and I usually choose “fight”. I’m not sure if I never choose flight, or if choosing flight just doesn’t trigger it and thus I’m hardly aware I even made a choice afterwards.

I really don’t know what the correct label is for my own “attacks”, but if after reading this blog, you feel like you know, then don’t hesitate to reply, send me an ask or reach out to me on facebook.

An overview of outbursts

Very often, my outbursts are work-related.

The very first time I had it was when I was about 16 years old. I had forgotten my homework, something which did happen a lot. I was a good student, but forgetful. I always forgot a book, sometimes I did forget to do homework too, but in this case, I’d done my homework but left the book at home. When the teacher asked, I was ashamed to say I’d forgotten it at home, but I said it. Another girl in my class, someone who I always found disrespectful towards me (and a bitch), was like “she probably didn’t do it!” – even though it was only the first thing she said to me that day, I decided it would also be the last thing she said to me that day. She said it in such a taunting manner that I barked back at her: “I DID DO IT!”

Now, for me to bark was rare. I was usually quiet, friendly and never looking for a fight. I dodge confrontation at all times. I was sooner a mediator or observer in the classroom than a fighter. But in this case, the fight or flight response got triggered, my adrenaline rose up, and I decided to stand up for the truth, and thus I shouted back in her face. She was visibly startled (when you never respond that way and know how to carry volume and fierceness in your tone, it lands) and she backed off immediately with an apology.

The teacher (who really had nothing against me, I was a good student) didn’t mention it either and just let me be for that hour while I cried where I sat.

I was a mess for the rest of the day. The first hour I sat in class crying and shaking, completely confused by what I’d done. Later that day I tried to keep up the pretense I was fine, but I was exhausted.

I don’t think it happened for another ten years afterwards, until as a 26-year-old, something very similar happened at work. I don’t know what the precise cause was, but a colleague of mine was a bit of a sneaky bitch, always gossiping behind everyone’s back. Calling her a bully might be an overstatement, but she was not a great person. She had two faces and I did not trust her. She said something that struck a nerve, fight or flight response was triggered, I chose fight and spoke back to her, then I ran out of the room, slamming the door. Then the next hour or so I spent on the toilet, crying. Very adult. Very professional. In what I call the “discharge”, after the adrenaline had left my body in the rage of anger, there was so much guilt and confusion I could not face anyone.

Skip another few years. A different situation. Once again at work. I do a helpdesk job, but it’s high-demand. We are expected to be flexible, answer phones, mails, social media, in various languages, about various subjects, always creating tickets and being productive. In the morning as I drove to my work place, I saw a small van of the internet company outside. My first thought was: “they better not fuck up our internet connection today, we’re behind on tickets.” An hour later, the internet goes down. I can’t do my job. There’s pressure on us to perform, and I get so angry at the thought that there was no problem but that those two idiots of the internet company outside managed to ruin our internet… While our leads ask us to switch to hotspots, my VPN connection decides not to work along, and I get so frustrated by this ridiculous problem that it triggers another outburst and I have to hide in the toilet in order to sob out my frustration.

Another outburst, one from over a year ago. I’m at work. It’s been busy as hell. I’ve been working overtime. We’re asked to fill in a self-evaluation. It’s a bit of work, but I’m glad to do it, I find it very important to do. So I do it after my time. So it’s 5 o clock and while others are going home, I’m still behind my desk, filling in the evaluation so I can take my time for it. After thirty minutes I’m done and I click “next” – but the site gives an error as though nothing has been saved. In no time at all, the fight or flight response is triggered, I take my keyboard in my hands and smash it down onto my table. I break its tiny fragile legs. A few meters away from me two colleagues were talking and they look at me like “wtf?” – I mutter an apology and sit there shaking, trying not to cry. (In the end, my evaluation got saved correctly, which makes it even worse, the site just gave a weird error after saving. I did not have to do it again.)

Something else which triggered a really bad episode was when I was at home, not at work for a change, and I was in a fandom discord. I can’t remember the exact cause, but mods were angry with me for a specific discussion in which I had not held back. I wanted to defend myself, but they denied me the opportunity to do so and gave me a strict warning. Without a means to stand up for myself or express my own emotions in a safe way, I exploded in anger, then in tears, just behind my computer, shaking, being a mess, eventually feeling exhausted. (This was a PTSD trigger for me, which I recognize as related to PTSD I got at the age of 21.)

This week I had another explosion.

I’ve been working on a new project with a few others of my team. Every week we get a few days to work on the project, each a few days. Last week I did two days, and this week I would be doing three days of work on the project. There’s a ton of work to tackle, so I planned it out and had planned out all three days. The third day, I start working in the morning (at home), with a clear vision in my mind of what I’m going to do that day so that everything is done before my colleague needs to continue the day after.

I’m at it for about ten minutes when I hear from the colleague that she gets to do the project that day, instead of me. She gets to do it for the rest of the week. My brain just short-circuits for a moment. I’m angry as hell.

In this case, it could be compared to a balloon that got inflated to a very big size, but did not pop immediately. Instead there’s a tiny hole of air and it’s deflating. In the minutes while I’m super-angry, I finish some of the stuff I must finish, mails that I had to send out and had already planned the day before. I use the adrenaline boost as a wave to do as much as I can in as short a time as I can. I take the energy from that moment and use it to be productive for the few minutes that I know it lasts.

I simultaneously express my anger about changing the shift on such short notice with the one responsible for this change. (via chat) I don’t blame her personally, but I voice that it affects me a great deal when she makes such changes without me knowing a day in advance. (While I express this anger I remain professional at the same time.) But slowly, the adrenaline wave is ending. A few minutes later, it’s over, my project work is done, and I’m a sobbing mess, unable to do my job of answering the phone while helping customers with their questions.

Luckily, I have a few great colleagues and team leads who know I’m in therapy for this reason, who also know I’m a schizoid, who know that I’m dealing with PTSD and who also know that I’m currently in EMDR treatment, which might cause things to trigger me more easily. So I just have to type to one: “having an attack”, and a few minutes later she’s calling me, and by then the anger is over and it’s a sobbing attack, and I explain through my sniffles and tears that I exploded, over what I exploded, and she’s immediately like: “Okay, what do you need to do right now in order to get over it?”

I state that it’s very exhausting, and that sleeping it off might be good. She agrees. It’s about 9 o clock, I go back to bed, and at 1 PM I am back at work, answering the phone, still exhausted, but at least able to answer the phone in a composed way again. I quit at 5 PM and by 6 PM I’m in bed again, sleeping. My productivity level in the afternoon was low, but at least I contributed in some way.

The Thoughts That Come With The Exhaustion

I feel most of these outbursts in my body for two days. The first day it’s like I just ran a marathon in a period of 3 minutes or so. The second day it’s like I ran a marathon the day before. :-P It’s just very tiring to have these outbursts. It drains my energy and my emotions.

At first there is anger, but almost at the same time there’s also guilt. There’s sadness and defeat. I remember the thought process of my last outburst very well, since it was only a few days ago. It was something along these lines:

“Schizoids aren’t ambitious people. You know this, but you also know that if you want to get your own place, not just rent it, you need to earn more. So you have to prove yourself. You have to work harder. You have to be more sociable. And you’ve been trying just that. This project is a way for you to prove you can tackle important work and maybe that might earn you a promotion in the future. That’s part of why you’ve been doing so much overtime for this project. And it’s a nice project. You like the project. But now that you’re having this attack, you’re only proving that you’re weak. You’re proving that you’re unstable. You’re proving that you need to remain at the lowest possible rank in this company because you can’t be given responsibility with this attitude. Not that you want to be a lead, but how can you be in charge of this project or any other in any way with these outbursts? What if you’d been doing a presentation to the CEO of the company about the project and you had such an outburst? What if he saw that? Not only would he want you gone, it would reflect badly on your coworkers and the team leads that are giving you this opportunity. They’re being patient with you, but it can’t last. At some point, they’ll have had it with you and they’ll see that they can only use you at the lowest possible responsibility, in a job where you’re easily replaced if you have an outburst. They’re good people, but capitalism doesn’t work on charity. In the end it’s about profit and you need to make sure you’re keeping up with the rest. You can still keep up with the rest, but you can’t prove to be more, so you’ll be stuck at the low-level income jobs for the rest of your life. Forget the ambition. It’s not real ambition. You have no ambition. This is why schizoids aren’t ambitious: because it’s defeating to always end up back at the low-level entrance jobs. Most schizoids don’t have jobs for longer than a few years, you’ve proven that time and time again before you landed this job. None of your jobs lasted very long. That’s why we forsake ambition and learn to just do our damn, miserable jobs. We can’t deal with the stress of climbing up the ranks. We can’t deal with the competition because we hate confrontation. So we just take a step back if someone louder and more aggressive says they want the job. Over and over again. No matter our talents. No matter if we have the capacity to out-think and out-work them on our best days. We can’t deal with the confrontation. We have no healthy way to deal with confrontation because we’re damaged in some way. We’re terrified of bad environments. We don’t want our work place to turn bad, so we always take a step back. Give up everything for the good of the group. To keep the peace. Just like how you did as a child. It’s the only thing you know how to do. To try and keep the peace. At the expense of your own happiness. So you bury it, deeper and deeper. What is ambition? You don’t know ambition. What do you want? You don’t know what you want. Or you think you don’t know, because wanting something might mean fighting for it, and fights are bad. Fights make it not worth it. So you remain miserable. Maybe someone else said they wanted to do the job. Maybe that’s why you were taken off the task. You made a mistake the day before. You admitted to making a mistake in the project. That’s why you’re not allowed to do the project today. They’re mad at you. They’re just tolerating you to do it because they need more people to do that work. Make sure you will not get replaced. You like this project. You can’t argue about it. Just be glad you’re back on the project next week. It’s a very busy time right now and you’re letting them down, so make sure that you’re up and running again as soon as you can. You can not afford to be a schizoid without a job. Certainly not during a pandemic. You can deal with people better than most. You just don’t like it when they mess up your schedule without your consent. But that’s going to happen more often in the future so how on earth are you going to deal with it? You have no idea how to deal with it. You’re going to short-circuit again. You don’t know how to prevent it. Maybe EMDR will help. Maybe it will only make it worse. The therapist said it would be worse for a while. But is this linked to your first EMDR session of a few weeks ago? Nothing you discussed in your last EMDR session resembled this situation, so why would EMDR be triggering this now? The therapist said you would get more triggers, but is this one? You shouldn’t blame EMDR. It’s probably not EMDR, it’s just an anger outburst like you’ve had before. Just because you didn’t want it to happen, doesn’t mean it stays away. You knew this could happen. Some colleagues are probably so disappointed in you right now. Some might be wondering where you are, they need you on the phone, it’s busy. You need to rest, you need to be able to answer phones again in the afternoon, you can’t do that in your current state. Think of something else, don’t allow yourself to ruminate about it. It’s not in your control. Not yet at least. Maybe you’ll learn to control it. You’re never going to control it this way. How old are you? You’re going to be dead before you control it. You’ve got depression too. Why do you even care about getting better? Just give up already. You’ve got depression so you shouldn’t be fighting for anything. Certainly not for promotion or approval. You don’t have the energy for that or the capacity to take any hits, so why do you bother? Maybe you should have gone to your safe space, like you were taught for the EMDR sessions? But this was not EMDR related, was it? Besides, it happened too fast. You needed to send those mails, when would you have had time to go to your safe space? You can’t send mails AND go to your safe space at the same time. You needed to ride the wave of adrenaline to get the last bit of work squeezed out of you. You needed to get the word out you were having an attack, so they knew why you weren’t on the phone. You did well enough, you finished sending the mails, transferring the project in a decent way, and you sent them the message you were having an attack. That’s something. That’s all you could have done, you did well. Does the safe space help now? Who are you kidding, you’re too exhausted to go to your safe space right now. You can hardly focus on one emotion or thought, that’s how tired you are, you can’t go to your safe space. That requires energy and focus. You have none right now. What’s it going to help, you need to rest now. Think of something else. Think of something fictional. Try to sleep.”

Harmful Thought Patterns

There are a lot of harmful thought patterns I need to break. Any psychologist could probably find several out of the thought process above. According to my own psychologist, I need to stop telling myself “I’m weak” – it’s a lie about myself that I believe deep in my core. But between knowing what is a wrong thought and between not believing a wrong thought lies a world of difference. I still believe that thought. It’s one of the things we’ll be working on, though I have no freaking clue how we’re going to break that thought since it’s one of my core beliefs.

There is some paranoia too. I don’t have the Paranoid Personality Disorder, but I can have paranoid thoughts during those moments of great sadness and guilt. But usually those thoughts are only there in moments of stress and I can recognize them afterwards, and most of the times at the exact moment as I’m having them as a paranoid thought. For example, thinking they’re looking for reasons to fire me, thinking they’re punishing me for making a mistake, I know that’s not the case. It’s a fear I have that they would do those things, but I know that that is not what they did, that’s not reality. That’s just a bad thought process that pops up after an attack. It adds to the guilt and sadness. It’s not something that I think during a regular day, since I usually don’t feed any emotions.

Not every thought that comes after an attack is a lie. I do believe there’s a lot of truth in my thoughts as well. There is self-analysis in there that is not completely wrong. I get wiser as I age and with the schizoid label also come new ways to look upon myself and my thoughts and history. I am starting to understand better why I am not ambitious. I am starting to understand why I avoid confrontation.

And I think the attack, in part, is triggered by confrontation. When you go back to the part where I describe all the past triggers I remember, it were always moments of confrontation in one way or another. I just have no idea how to deal with confrontation, hence me having a full meltdown whenever I force myself to stand up for myself.

I’m so not used to standing up for myself, that the exact moment I say to myself: “No, you NEED to say what you think about this NOW, you can not just pretend nothing happened” is when I have the outburst with all the unpleasant adrenaline and tears that follow. My communication towards the other party seems to be correct though. I don’t think anything was wrong with the chat I sent my colleague, or when I tell a bitch to back off - I think it’s assertive. But having a breakdown every time you’re assertive, isn’t normal. That’s the issue.

Had I decided not to confront my colleagues about how unpleasant it was to me that they changed my schedule, I might not have had the outburst, I think. (I honestly don’t know.) There’s the tiniest moment before the outburst, the fight or flight moment, where I need to make the choice. And it is a choice that I can make. I have agency in that moment. I can choose what my choice is, but I can not really choose the effect that comes with either option.

If I choose to flee, I’ll be relatively fine. Maybe a little shaken. If I do that, it probably adds another argument to the “you are weak”-narrative in my mind.

If I fight, there’s a possibility I end up at war with myself. In my thought process, I might be entering a war with everyone else. That’s usually not the case. People usually back off. (At least for a while.) But in my thought process, if I choose “fight”, it’s like I’m going to war. In that way, I do think that there’s a big link between my outbursts and some form of PTSD. I don’t see it clearly just yet, but I think I’m getting closer to a breakthrough of what it is.

A Link to Autism

I did not get diagnosed with autism. (Though we did the test!) However, the outbursts often seem autistic in some ways to me. Maybe people with autism experience it in a very similar way. Maybe they don’t and I’m just projecting.

(Just to clarify – before “autism” existed, people with autism all got the “schizoid” label. There are a lot of resemblances between the two. People with autism mostly distinguish themselves from a schizoid like me by not having the same social skills. Schizoids seem to have the skills more naturally while for people with autism it’s usually a skill they have to work on, like maths or languages is to neurotypicals. Or maybe it would be a better comparison to say it’s like they have dyscalculia while the rest of the world can do maths without much of a problem, but apply that comparison to how we as humans learn social situations. Another difference: Schizoids don’t want company, people with autism often do, but don’t know how to go about it. They both come across as asocial a lot of the time, hence some of the overlap between the two labels.)

But if you shorten what happened, if you say: “Her schedule changed last minute, and she exploded” or “A classmate insulted her, and she exploded” – that would seem autistic to some. A change of plans can really ruin the day of a person with autism since they prefer structure. People with autism can also really explode at bullies because they don’t know how to deal with them.

So if you shorten my trigger and my “explosion”, I think an outsider would say: “Oh that has to be autism. She can’t deal with change. She can’t deal with social situations.” My type of explosion is something that people with autism go through as well sometimes.

Sometimes it does make me doubt if it’s not autism for a part, but I suppose I should follow the opinion of my psychologist, and I do have to state that I don’t have a lot of difficulty reading social situations. I’m very sensitive to some situations even, feeling when some people can’t stand each other in a room without even talking to anyone. I think that’s something people with autism often can’t read from the room. I have been called a very good observer by some friends and colleagues in certain situations.

To End It

I’m not sure what else is left to say. Writing this has exhausted me as well, in a way. Going through emotions is hard for a schizoid. We bury them, deep. We don’t do it consciously, we just do it. Bringing it back to write about it, did bring a few of the emotions back. I did shed a few tears while writing this. (I’m not saying this for pity, by the way, just as an FYI to my state of mind while reliving this.)

An anger outburst brings the negative emotions to the surface. Anger (at the cause of the issue), guilt (about getting angry), sadness (about our own state of being), fear (of losing friends/our jobs/respect) are all negative emotions. You don’t want to have these on any day. Most days we don’t have any emotions. But on a day with an anger outburst we experience all of those emotions. In a matter of minutes. In an hour. And then we’re exhausted.

Not all schizoids experience this, and I’m not sure whether to envy those people or to pity them. Envy, because these emotions are all negative. Who needs that negativity in their life? But also pity, because it seems like they’re the only emotions I’m given in this life. Isn’t it sad that some have none at all?

I try to approach it positively and say “at least you have these emotions. If you have the negative ones, maybe the positive ones are hidden inside you as well. You just need to find the correct trigger to bring them out.”

Some schizoids say they don’t want to experience any emotions. I don’t think I’m one of them. I’d rather have a day without emotions than with only negative emotions, but I’d like to go back to positive emotions one day. I don’t want to fake being happy at a party, as I usually do.

And if I can’t have emotions, then all that’s left is achievement in life. To make value in my life, to accrue wealth or status or experience. I don’t mind dying poor as long as I’m not miserable. But imagine dying miserable and weak and poor, that sucks. I don’t want that.

Take care, and remember, if you have anything to share, your own wisdom or your own experience, my askbox is always open.

#schizoid personality disorder #schizoid #autism #anger outburst #ptsd #blog

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teacherimagines · 4 years

Text

My Tc Diary

Hey y’all. This is my tc diary from 2018 and I decided to post this now in 2020 since I don’t think my identity will be revealed from anyone I know possibly reading this. It was sooooo weird rereading this, seeing what my thought process used to be, and the silly things I thought were important. So much has changed in my life since this phase of my life, but I hope you enjoy!

M/N stands for my name. I am not gender specific in the anecdotes. I am bisexual, and I talk about having three different tcs in here. I just use they/them to talk about them. And when I refer to ‘my tc’ I am talking about my first tc (the one I am crushing on the most). The other two I only talk about in one divided section for each.

*ONE FINAL VERY IMPORTANT NOTE* My teacher crushes were always professional when I was around them, they did absolutely nothing to suggest that they liked me as anything more than just a student. I started writing this because I was crushing on them badly, and I needed a way that I could share the times I was around them that made me happy. I hold a very high respect for my teachers, and I am so grateful that I got to have them in class. I never did/would never try to do anything that would harm/intrude on their careers, relationships, happiness, and personal lives. My relationships with teachers are the way they should be, the fact that I was crushing on them did not get in the way of that.

My Masterlist

I was walking out of school today, and my tc was walking behind me. I heard footsteps but I didn’t know it was them! Anyway I walked out the door, and held the door for them, and they thanked me. Their ‘thank you’ sounded so genuine and nice, I nearly had a heart attack.

I had my first class with my tc at the beginning of the semester. During the first week of class my tc had to shout out names for attendance because they didn’t know everyone yet. But they knew me. They never said my name during attendance. It just felt good, to have them remember me after meeting them only a couple of times before. Especially because I’m crushing on them super hard.

My tc got really excited today in class omg. We are doing a project and we get to pick our topics. So my tc comes up to me like “What is your topic?” And then I told them, my tc got so excited. Their eyes widened a little, and they went into this little rant about how fascinating my topic was. I like to see them being so passionate about something.

Someone in my class has a pet snail, and they keep it in a jar and bring it to school. So they go and ask my tc if they want to hold the snail. My tc (seriously) asks ‘does it bite?’ I WAS LIKE ARE YOU FOR REAL RN? I think it was cute because it was such a little snail.

My tc helped me write an essay today. They were super helpful, like, I was stuggling so bad, and they just helped me without making me feel like a complete idiot :)

OKAY IM SORRY OKAY TEMPTATIONS. I watched my tc put on chapstick today. Trust me, I wouldn’t watch it if they were looking directly at me. They were just staring off into space. *Note from future, I watch them do this quite often lol.

My tc said “good morning, M/N.” today! I said good morning back and was really happy. My tc also made a lot of eye contact with me today :o

I walk into my classroom today, and there were only two other students sitting at the desks. The class has about twenty students in it, and the bell was about to ring. One of the people in the room says “ooh, there’s a third one.” as I walk in. And my tc laughed and smiled and looked at me.

My tc was passing back papers and their arm accidentally bumped mine. Lol I’m dying inside.

When my tc lectures, they are very active with and linger their eye contact with every student. And I mean like that’s a good thing, but it makes me nervous when they look at me lol. OKAY BUT LIKE EYE CONTACT IS NOT OKAY. It is okay. But it makes me not okay. Especially when I’m trying to concentrate on the lesson, I just keep thinking back to five minutes ago when their eyes met mine and I felt all gooey in my tummy.

Got a paper back and on the top it said ‘good work M/N!’ in my tc’s handwriting. Felt good lol. I literally stared at my name written in their handwriting for like ten minutes. I need to stop. *not from future- I kept ALL of the papers from their class.

My tc will always ask the class something opinionated, and they will always make sure that everyone answers the question. And if it is regarding something that has to do with us being comfortable (ex: someone making a joke that is slightly controversial), they just make sure that everyone is really okay, no bs. OMG I FOUND A TEACHER WHO ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT THEIR STUDENTS WELL BEINGS. And I may or may not have a massively obvious crush on them.

I saw someone (a student) flirting with my tc today. This person is a MAJOR flirt. I know that they would never actually date my tc so I am not really worried about it. But they interrupt class a lot and flirt with them. IT IS SO OBVIOUS OMG.

I was walking in the hall today, and I saw my tc. They looked at me really quickly but as they walked closer they just stared at the floor lol. They do that a lot. Also, on another day, I was standing in the hall talking with my friend and my tc walked passed us. I know they looked at me- even if it was only for a second- I could feel it.

How can someone be so alert, friendly, and attractive at the beginning of the school day?

Today I was sitting doing my work and my tc comes over to my desk. They ask me how I am doing on the assignment and I said I’m doing okay. They stand by my desk, looking at my paper for what felt like a minute. I felt so awkward so I looked up at them with a face that said ‘need something’? Then they nodded and walked away. Like okayyyyyyy I’m not okay.

Every damn time I say ‘thank you’ to my tc they say ‘of course ‘my name.’ AND I AM LITERALLY MELTING RN MELTING

My tc learned a few fun facts about me today! Also, almost no one in my class believes in sasquatches (even me), but my tc does. And they got so frustrated because they said that sasquatches are ‘tangible’. Plus, they asked me where I see myself in ten years and I said I have no clue, and they were like ‘okay so you have like what, two years left to figure the rest of your life out?’ THANKS TC THANKS A LOT

My tc asked me if I had anything to share with the class today, and I said no lol. They asked another student and they said no too. Lol. Then my tc said ‘I shouldn’t let you all say no to me.’ Haha I’m dead.

I saw my tc with their significant other today. I feel really sad, and I really do care about my tc’s happiness, it just makes me sad that I can’t be that kind of special to them.

I saw my tc run today. I feel so blessed.

My tc said I did really good on writing my essays, and thanked me for handing them in. also—MY TC SMILED AT ME TODAY AND THEY ARE SO CUTE AND THEIR SMILE IS SO CUTE IMMMM DEADDDDD. Their smile was literally like this :)) They don’t usually smile at me, Idk why, but like I am also wondering what put them in such a good mood.

My tc gave me a letter today. At first I was like- woah?. Then they told me it was an invitation (from another teacher) for taking a AP course in their subject next school year. I was like ‘ah thank you’ but inside I was screeching (THE LETTER WASNT EVEN PERSONALLY FROM THEM WHY AM I FREAKING OUT??). Even though they won’t be teaching the course (they are moving schools), I want to make them remember me as someone who wants to excel in their subject (so I will take the course, plus I was planning on it already with my guidance counselor). Also, this means that they had a conversation with another teacher about me. So they probably thought of me recommended for me to take AP? This makes me happyyyy :)

So today my tc asked me if I read the letter they gave me. I said yes. They asked if I signed up for AP and I said yes. They got so happy omg- I was like trying to be chill (so were they). They said “that is so good ‘M/N’, you would make a really good fit in that class.” Then they kept smiling at me- I couldn’t concentrate! IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY THAT MY HARD WORK IS STARTING TO PAY OFF, AND MY TC IS RECOGNIZING THAT.

My tc gave my class a free work period and I was caught up on my work. Usually every night I try to read at least one news article before I go to bed, so I stay up to date on things (ya know, like nerds do). I didn’t get to read last night so I read some news in class. My tc comes over to see what I am doing and asks me “M/N, are you reading the news?” I nodded. Then they said “that is a very good use of your time.” Lol I wasn’t even doing the work they assigned. Then they come over later in class and ask me if I read from The Atlantic. I told them no, and they were like “I think you’d like them, they have very in depth articles. There’s this one a teacher showed me this morning about Donald Trump, and how he won the election, it was really good. You can let me know later if you’re interested in reading it.” I was like OKAY with a big splash of happiness. I want to read the article they suggested, but I was like hesitant to ask them for it, so I am just going to try and find it on my own lol. *NOTE from future, I read this website a lot now because it makes me think of them and it’s like, what if they read this article too?

MY TC SNEEZED TODAY AND I WAS LIKE AHHHH

I saw my tc in the hallway this morning and they said “good morning M/N.” They were carrying a cup of coffee, and that’s when I got to see how they drink their coffee-with a lot of creamer.

OKAY WHAT IS GOING ON? There’s this other teacher I have. My friend says she likes them. I thought I didn’t like them that much, and I expressed that to her. BUT THEN they start giving me this eye contact, and joking during class. And one day they try helping me on an assignment and LITERALLY THEIR ARM WAS TOUCHING MINE. I didn’t want to be rude and move it, and THEY JUST LEFT IT THERE. I have little physical contact with humans- I’m weird like that- I don’t usually like it when people touch me, there’s really no reason for it besides it is what it is. But I was fine in this situation. They also make a lot of conversation with me. Then I saw them in the library and they looked at me and smiled- they are gorgeous. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK ABOUT LIFE ANYMORE. I thought I was only crushing on my original tc, but that’s changing now?¿ I think I take simple situations and go crazy with them, but STILL. So much more has happened between me and this teacher than me and my tc, but I still like my first tc more. ALSO, they bite their lip when they are concentrating on something difficult- I am swooning. *NOTE- I had a dream (rated R) about this teacher. WHATWHATWHAT? Today, I walked passed this tc and it LITERALLY felt like slow motion- and they kept eye contact with me as they walked by.

I’m hormonal. There’s this other tc I might have now. They are a different gender than my other two tcs. I like them a lot and I had them in a class before but I never thought of them like this. I realized that I have a lil crush on them today when I passed them in the hall and had some small talk. I thought wow, they’re a good person, they teach really good, they just talked to me like a normal person, and they’re attractive. MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING I HAVE LIKE THREE TCS NOW AND NO ONE IN MY LIFE KNOWS?

Today was my last day with my tc :(( it was kind of bittersweet though. They never really gave anyone a formal goodbye, but we did have a good conversation (which is the longest one I have ever had with them). I was on the computer doing a research project for a vacation to Italy. I was exploring around on google maps and they come over and ask me ‘where are you looking at?’ And I say Venice. So I zoom out and show them Italy from a map view, they talked about Italy, and just Europe in general. I then told them that I have been to Paris and London before, and they thought it was cool. Then they told me about their significant other who has traveled to London for a semester at college. Then they told me about their dream vacation to southern France, to see the lilac fields. They said ‘That would be my picturesque vacation.’ I WAS LIKE AWWWW (internally lol). I like flowers a lot, and I am pretty sure my tc knows that bc I wear clothes that have flower print, my backpack and pencil case is flower print too. And now that they told me that they like flowers too- I am just so happy! I have a lot in common with this tc, and it saddens me that this was our last interaction :((

#tc imagine #imagine #crush imagine #tc community #tcc #tcc imagine #teacher imagine #tcc blog #teacher crush #teacher crush imagine #imagines #crush

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baebeyza · 4 years

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I've finished watching TFA and I got 5 episodes into TFP, but I'm not so sure if I'm into it. Do you think I should keep watching TFP or try something else, and if so which continuity would you recommend? I was thinking of doing either the G1 cartoon or G1 IDW, but I'm sort of warming up to other stuff like Cyberverse and I could use comments/opinions from someone who's watched more

Oh well dear, depends on what you didn’t like or missed in those first 5 episodes!

For me TFP was my first transformer show and it was good enough for me to go full into the whole franchise and I would recommend it for newcomers.

For newcomers it has a small cast to get invested in, has a good grasp on the general conflict of most transformers shows and a good story to follow. I at least never felt like I needed things explained to me or that it’s something you get more off if you already know the franchise.

But there is always a difference between “this show is objectively good” and “I enjoyed it”. I do think that Prime is pretty well written, not perfect, but still awesome with great moments. Also the animation is EPIC, with some of the best fight scenes I’ve seen in years!

But there are other TF shows I enjoyed more, despite not exactly thinking they are better written. TFA for example! That show I enjoyed more because it was more fun and the characters had better dynamics and development. But the general plot wasn’t as intriguing as TFP in my eyes.

What I personally didn’t like about it (TFP) were:

1. The human characters arent really all that great. They get better and are important, but they can be annoying, especially Miko. (though she develops more than the other two)

2. The heroes lack good character interactions, they mostly feel like people stuck in a group project without much friendship behind

3. There are sub-plots I didn’t care much for (like the human villains)

So I dunno if you should watch the rest - remember that the first 5 episodes were it’s own little plot, and that with episode 6 the real one starts. Maybe that will be more to your liking!

Personal enjoyment really depends on you and what you like too see though.

I for one like great character interaction, intense moments but also fun. Fun as in funny but also lighthearted, non-serious moments.

TFP does have good character writing and good character interactions with the villains at least. Not as much fun as TFA, but there are still some hilarious moments and characters. And the serious moments are actually really great! This show did have me on the edge on a lot of occasions, there is a lot of good escalations and “oh shit” moments.

But if you like really great character writing with great character interactions and dynamics, watch Beast Wars! It has some of the best character writing I’ve seen and also a really great plot! It takes a while to fully get into the meat and most of season 1 is built-up to that, but once it starts its a truly epic ride!

Beast Wars also has a good balance between fun and serious. If a show is just serious it gets tiring, but if it’s just fun and lighthearted it gets a little boring. Beast Wars has some truly intense moments that make me feel like crying thinking about them, but also a lot of funny scenes, mostly through character interactions, but also slapstick comedy.

The one contra people always bring up is the “bad” animation. And YES it’s bad for todays standards because we are used to seeing better, but just because it’s outdated doesnt mean it’s not good! Like give it a chance people, once you get used to it it’s not as bad. It won an award for outstanding animation back when it aired!

G1 is my favourite show though! Not because it’s actually good, quite the opposite - it’s silly and stupid, it makes no sense and it’s completely shameless in that regard and that way it is just a fun ride!

With no overarching plot each episodes has it’s own plot and drama and while most episodes follow the same format (for season 1&2 at least) it barely gets boring! The creativity of the show writers knows no bounds ~

G1 also made me love a lot of characters! Some I learnt of only from that show and some I already knew but didn’t care for before. (Like Hot Rod for example)

G1 also has great dialogue and interactions as well :D

Headmasters is a japanese show that continues after G1 season 3 (and ignores the american season 4) and personally I really liked it! Unlike G1, Headmasters has a plot and a really good plot that made you come back for more. I still had my issues with it, but those were mostly because of the changes they made from the G1 cartoon. Still recommending it though! Especially if you feel like you need something a little more sophisticated after G1 :D I mean it has death scenes, character depth and development and redemption! (PS: the hong kong english dub of it is shit, but people like it as a “so bad it’s good” kind of comedy. would still watch the japanese version first)

Robots in Disguise 2001 is also a show for newcomers, given that it’s the first one to have it’s own continuity after G1. Though know that this one is more for really young kids. There isnt much escalation or truly serious moments, it’s more fun and lighthearted. So as an adult I found it a little boring, but it’s still good if you like lighthearted stuff! And most of the characters were really cute! It has a lot of brothers too, so as a person with lots of siblings I enjoyed that aspect :D (PS: I watched the original japanese version here)

Beast Wars II (you don’t need to have watched Beast Wars for this) is similiar to RiD01, as in really lighthearted with little escalation and depth. It’s a little jarring though, the heroes are really bland and the plot doesn’t really start until halfway through the show. The first half being about introducing various character groups that end up being important in the end, but most of these episodes aren’t really entertaining, especially when you don’t care about those characters like I did. I’d say the best thing about this show are the decepticons with a really sweet Galvatron as the leader and his idiot little brother Megastorm (who can be read as a version of Megatron) and a Starscream whose a little shit like always but also has a friend he cares about!

If that’s enough for you, go for it xD

Oh and Optimus has a son here - the best and only character arc the heroes have to offer. Found it pretty cute in the end ~

Cyberverse was a “meh” from me though, mostly because it feels like fanfiction. Fanfiction doesn’t need to explain to you who the characters are, it is able to assume that beforehand. And Cyberverse does that, it assumes that you already know the characters and world. And like that it doesn’t really try to write things with depth, it feels all shallow. To me at least, I am aware other people love it.

It just didn’t vibe with me because I want the media I consume to shake me and make me feel things, I wanna be at the edge of my seat, I wanna be anxious about what’s gonna happen next!

That is a thing Prime Wars was able to deliver - the third season, Return of the Primes, at least.

Though the Prime Wars Trilogy isn’t popular and has many flaws in storytelling, voice acting and animation (+ other things that have to do with expectation, which I don’t really consider flaws of the show itself), but I cannot help it, I still enjoyed it a lot ~ Also the whole thing is pretty short - 28 episodes, 8 of them 5-6 minutes long and the other 10 minutes. It doesn’t take long to finish it all.

The only shows I truly didn’t enjoy are Robots in Disguise 2015 and Beast Machines - RiD15 is the sequel to TFP and mate if you already don’t vibe with TFP, just skip this one. I didn’t like it much because:

- The decepticons are all badly written, either completely forgettable, not given enough screentime or just kinda having their potential ignored.

- The heroes never really develop - it’s a show with a lesson in every episode that get’s forgotten in the next. So you have the characters learning the same lessons all the time and I hate shit like that

There are decent episodes sure, and some really sweet characters, but overall it’s just not really good

And the last show I watched is Beast Machines, the sequel to Beast Wars with most of the same cast and some new characters.

And this is a show were I say that it had a good plot with good structure and conflict, but I didn’t enjoy it!

And I do try to divorce it from Beast Wars, but even then the flaws are still there. The biggest complaint I have is that the heroes are never in good terms with each other, almost every episodes has some of them being angry and fighting and that’s TIRING! NO FUN ALLOWED IN THIS SHOW! There is only one character who enjoys being in the show and he dies screaming.

The plot is also really philosophical and not really for kids that way. As an adult I did try to enjoy it, but the show has some flaws in it’s good vs evil conflict.

That would be it with the shows I watched!

As for IDW, I’m not really far with that so I cannot talk much.

Hope it helped ~ But I would recommend that you give them all a shot, at least for a few episodes. I cannot claim to always be objective, even if I try my best at it

And yeah, my no. recommendation is Beast Wars, it’s really good!

#transformers #asks #me explaining the shows #those I have finished at least #I did start armada and masterforce but cannot say much about them #transformer posting #Anonymous

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krystalsins · 4 years

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PROJECT XVI (ft. Dolan Twins)- FANFICTION

WATTPAD | RATED R

FANFIC SUMMARY:

𝗢𝗨𝗥 setting takes place in the present time. Our world. With the same famous people. And everyone else that completes our life.

The same goes for Amberleigh Anne Fleur, a seventeen year old on the road to finishing high school. Encouraged to join her peers in a fieldtrip, she encounters more than just nature, as love untangles before her in the oddest of ways.

Now in love with her first love, she knows she doesn't need anything else in the world. She's finally complete, dating one of the hottest influencers in the world.

How could life get any more perfect than that?

WARNINGS: drug abuse, violence, smut, physical/mental abuse, strong language, graphic depictions, possible mentions of suicide

CHAPTER ONE: THE BOLD COUSIN

𝗔𝗹𝗹 I had done throughout the bright, sunny Friday was stare at my cracked ceiling from my bed, with my out of tune classical guitar on one side and my dying laptop on the other.

Tomorrow's the day I'd be joining my peers for a fun, rewarding trip to the mountains after such strenuous efforts to making it throughout the entirety of senior year, and my mom had just peaked inside the room to remind me about packing the essentials.

The essentials consisted of everything you don't find in the mountains. So, two in one shampoo and conditioner packages, toothbrush and toothpaste, extra underwear and a pair of bathing suits in case we went swimming.

Right now, she was threatening me to bring food.

"Because, what if you'll starve and you have nothing to eat? Better to be safe than sorry, honey"

My mother had been in the US for a long time now, but you can still hear the thick accent of her mother tongue, a dialect with a name I can never remember.

She and my dad (also with a weird named dialect I don't remember) met in one of her trips to New York.

I can't speak it either. But I do understand it whenever they talk in them.

"It's fine, I'll just drop by the store tomorrow or something before we leave." With a slight understanding nod, she reminds me about dinner and sleeping early before leaving my room.

Standing up with the need of listening to some music, my phone buzzes once, twice, thrice, until it's falling off the stand and I catch it.

ERIKA iMessage Today 7:51PM

AMBER!

AMBERLEIGH!

COME DOWN TO YOUR FRONT PORCH. YOU GOTTA CHECK THIS OUT

With a frowning face, I push aside my window curtains to see my cousin Erika standing on our front porch.

Her parents and my parents live a few blocks from each other and we, as a family, have been to each other's houses ever since we were six.

Mom had invited her for dinner, and even though I had begged her not to, she still did.

She thought it would be nice that we got along before I disappeared in between the mountains for over a week and a half, and I didn't mind. There were just stuff and certain things that bothered me about her.

"Hey! My favourite cousin!" She stands with her arms wide open and a grin bigger than Australia.

"Don't tell me. You tried to make yourself some facial cream slash potion that somewhat works and now you want to try it on me" I say with a voice so monotone as she hugs me.

"Nope, even better"

"Your parents told you to stay home?!" I gasp and cheer in a fake, teasing manner.

"Amber." She rolls her eyes at me. "You know how we played that wooden game like, last month?"

"How could I forget" My eyes become hooded at the memory as I step aside and she strolls right in, happily. I close the door.

"That Ouija game you somehow convinced me to play with you"

"Since that was fun —"

"—It wasn't. Gave me nightmares for two weeks straight—"

"—I was thinking we could play another game" She raised her eyebrows so high I though they were gonna fall off.

"Oh no." I groan, resting a hand on my hip, knowing damn well where this was going.

She was either going to convince me about doing black magic or some sort of witchcraft that I'm not too thrilled about.

I know I haven't been the best believer, but when it came to stuff like this, it was always a 'No thank you' for me. Like my mom always says, better safe than sorry—Her long-life motto.

"Relax—"

"Erica, c'mon in!" My mom smiled at the end of the hall. "You can leave your bag in Amber's room"

"Bag?" My eyes widened. "What bag, I thought she was only going to stay over for dinner?"

"Oh, yeah" Erica flashed her braces. "My mom told me I could sleep over—"

"Lord." I sigh exaggeratedly. "Why"

Erica has always been the risk taker of the family. Always living life on the edge. Always asking for trouble... and fun. I admired her sometimes, because she always had the courage I lacked.

I, on the other hand, was the total opposite. Always playing it safe, always the one to analyse the situation and the circumstances before making a move. Never asking for trouble.

I was usually quiet too, which explains my empty love life. While I've been stuck being eighteen—turning nineteen in a few weeks— my cousin had just turned seventeen, and has already experienced more than I have.

If she had her first kiss at the age of twelve... I'll leave you guessing with the rest.

"Listen, I'm sure whatever it is that you want to try tonight, I won't say yes to, because I still have a lot of packing to do" I nod my head at her slowly, hoping she gets what I'm trying to tell her.

"Not a prob, you just go over there and do that," She motions at the entire room with her hands "and I'll be on your bed with the cards"

I cock an eyebrow at her. "Cards?"

I stand up and grab the vacuum cleaner, remembering how my mom told me nearly five times to clean my room before leaving for the field trip.

I'm not too thrilled about this either. But it has to be better than hearing whatever Erica had to say.

"Like, Uno Cards?"

Erica chortles and claps her hands twice. "No, you idiot. Tarot cards"

"Great. Another witchcraft. I'm going straight to hell"

"Oh, will you relax. Stop being such a pussy"

I roll my eyes.

"Besides, I've done it on myself this afternoon"

I ignore her as I plug the vacuum and start cleaning, picking up every item of clothing that's on the floor and tossing it on my bed to form a pile I'd have to fold later.

The loud sucking of the machine overpowers Erica's high-pitched voice, which only makes her have a sound contest with the vacuum and yell even louder.

"Okay! I'm going to start now! How about you sit down for a minute?!"

"No can doo!" I drag the vowels with an awkward smile "You heard what your auntie said!"

"Never mind, this is okay too!"

I grunt when I duck to pick up random pens and pieces of paper scattered all over the floor, as I watch her from the corner of my eyes.

Her long fingers had colourful acrylics on and wore big fat, metal rings her grand mothers used to use.

She begins shuffling and flicking the cards one behind another with closed eyes, muttering inaudible words under her breath.

It stays like this for a few seconds, and then a minute, before a few cards fall out and she takes out two more from the top.

She flips them over on the bed, placing them side by side in a straight line. Her eyes linger on every card, as her hands go back and forth straightening the cards.

The big grin she was wearing only a few seconds ago is now long gone, as she keeps a straight face.

I turn off the vacuum, suddenly interested in my fate. "What do they say?" I walk closer to peak at the cards.

"This is the most confusing pile I've ever seen" Her eyes squint, trying to decipher the message on the cards.

"Yeah, it is also your second time doing this, so..."

"Third, actually"

"It doesn't ma—"

"Look, it's basically saying that you're finally becoming independent. You're going to find your way."

"What the heck, what way"

"I don't know. Your path?"

"Yeah, okay. What else?"

"You know what?" Erica chuckles. "I'm suddenly hungry for some pie" She says and tucks the cards back into the stack. "You want some?"

"That's all it said?"

"Mhm" She hums approvingly, standing up and securing her cards with an elastic band. She shoves them into her bag.

"I'll go then, seeing that your chores are still undone. Pie awaits!"

And like that she's gone from my room, leaving me puzzled at her odd reaction.

She never left anything unfinished, not even that Ouija game we once played. She was always the one to finish whatever it is she started.

But there was a look that I'd never seen in her eyes, not in the seventeen years we've been back and forth to each other's houses.

A look of unease. Worry. For the first time ever in her life, she didn't look honest.

So what did she exactly see in those cards?

TAG(S): @fvckmeethan

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hide-the-cutlery · 4 years

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Ugh, I just erased a draft I started. So frustrating.

I guess it’s long sleeves for me for a while. Luckily, there’s a (Florida) cold front coming through tomorrow, so that should help a bit. (Prepare got the 60’s, my pussy friends!) I’ll get back to that momentarily.

Today, I had to go to court on a misdemeanor charge. I wasn’t feeling stressed or worried about it (a drastic deviation from my normal thoughts and behavior) — I thought I knew what was going to happen and what to expect, and was somehow relatively at ease about it. Everything was fine and going as I expected — until it wasn’t. I had decided I wanted an attorney, since it’s my right to at least meet with one, even though I know I’m guilty, but the public defender in the courtroom started talking and made me second-guess myself. He told all that were waiting that, aside from a few situations, all cases could be finalized today. This, of course, went against my decision to meet with an attorney (because, as I stated, it’s my right), and when I went to see if he could help me make gain some clarity, he asked me, point blank, “well did you do something wrong?” I admitted that, yes, I did do something wrong and asked him a couple more questions, which cleared up nothing. I felt like he was trying to get people to plead out so it was less work for him and his colleagues. Regardless, I should have known to drop the whole thing then, but I have a hard time making decisions/changing my mind on the spot, particularly when a lot of information is rapidly being thrown at me. I’m too tired to type it all out, but basically I could have had everything resolved today, except I reverted to my original, which turned out to be poor, decision at the last second. I had even completed the plea form and took it with me when the judge called my name. I had talked to an attorney that I got in touch with through the program a few weeks ago, and even though I couldn’t hire her, she was nice enough to give me an overview of what to expect about proceedings and let me ask a couple of quick questions. I thought she was pointing me in the direction of getting a public defender, so instead of entering a plea and getting sentenced today, I asked the judge for an attorney to be appointed to me, and even though I trusted the woman I spoke with, my gut was telling me to go the other way and decline representation. Turns out, I have too many assets to my name in the form of my car and don’t qualify for a public attorney, and I sure as shit aren’t hiring my own. So, now I still have to pay the fee for the public defender I’m not getting. I also got assigned a new court date in few weeks, and now have the luxury of this all dragging on for an extra month. The attorney I spoke with on the phone said there was an option to be sentenced to take some class related to the offense instead of probation/community service or a fine, which I guess I was hoping for, but forget trying to get that instead. I just want this all over with, and it could have been done today. All over today. But no. I had to get confused and unsure like I always do. I know it’s not the end of days, however, one thing is haunting me. The lawyer I spoke with in the courtroom said there was no way to know if me having an attorney would result in me being offered a different/better sentence OR one not as favorable. So, in all reality, I could get fucked over and get a worse deal than I would have gotten today. Fuck. I can’t be the only one who’s had things turn out like this, right? I was nervous and clueless and wanted to take advantage of my rights, even if my hypothetical defense attorney sat me down and said “look, kid, I don’t think I can get you anything better than what would have initially been offered.” It’s still my right to have them tell me that. But the potential for a harsher sentence for simply trying to exercise my rights? No, fuck that. That would be yet another all-to-common miscarriage of our criminal justice system. Live and learn, heh. The law cares (in “silly” offenses as this, anyway) about time & money. It doesn’t care about me; I’m just one of many.

I lost it in the parking lot. I just cracked. It was a matter of time before I lost control of the “I’m okay” persona I was projecting, and truthfully it’s remarkable I was able to keep it going for as long as I did. Looking back now, everything should be okay, unless I pissed off the judge, which I doubt — they probably see this happen all the time, but knowing how things tend to go for me, this will likely (but I sincerely hope not) result in some avoidable consequence, like my family finding out and throwing me out. Thankfully, a friend had surgery yesterday and invited me over so I could be in a safe place. Sadly, the self destruction had already begun.

What does all this have to do with hiding my arms? If you’re not an idiot, you already know. I am ashamed to admit I self harmed for the first time in probably years while I was having my meltdown this morning. The wound is superficial, but it’s still there. I started trying to split my skin open with a pair of small, sharp scissors I keep with me in my wallet. I ran the blades with pressure up and down across my flesh repeatedly, with minimal results. I even tried to snip little areas open, which barely worked either. I couldn’t draw blood. I really wanted to see some blood, perhaps as a punishment for getting myself arrested in the first place and then fucking up the arraignment. The pain itself didn’t bother me. The part of me that, on occasion, separates itself from my physical/mental autonomy (that seems to have no purpose other than to observe from an objective point of view outside myself and to harshly, ruthlessly criticize me, making me feel like a dullard, a loser, fake, dishonest, pathetic... it’s not a voice I “hear,” such as a hallucination, but something that feeds directly into my mind) was screaming: You’re such a fool. Self mutilation? Really? In your thirties? What the fuck is wrong with you? You attention whore. You can’t even make yourself bleed! Pathetic. The worst ridicule I received, hands down, was: If this is a cry for help or attention, no one cares, and now you’ve got a new scar to ever remind you and represent how desperate you are for someone to give a fuck about you. Again, you’re absolutely, embarrassingly pathetic.

After the scissors weren’t working, I decided to try something else, and found myself in a dollar store — one of the ones where everything is actually a dollar. That brought a little sunshine to my afternoon, and judging by how much candy I bought, tooth decay as well. I bought a mini sewing kit and tried to repeat the process with a safety pin and a needle instead of the scissors. No luck there, either, but the flesh is definitely split and looks like it’s bruised. I even thought about burning myself, but by the time the pins/needles didn’t work, the urge was passing. I’ve been hiding it, so I am not so sure how the third part of me (I don’t know why I call it the “third” part — it’s just what comes to me when I think of it/it shows itself, or maybe that’s what it wants to be known as for whatever reason, perhaps body, mind, and “the third”) is right to say it’s a cry for help and/or attention-seeking behavior, but even if it is “normal”, people don’t tend to do such stupid shit. Or maybe I’m trying to validate my mental illness, because sometimes I don’t think people see it for what it is. (I asked a woman to be my sponsor earlier this week and within 3ish minutes, she told me I seem confused when I talk and attributed it to my medications (and I think she only knew about the antidepressants). Needless to say, that didn’t work out.) How sad, though. How stupid. I am the queen of doing stupid shit, no matter my motives, and I shouldn’t have to mark myself up for people to see and know “that girl’s not right in the brain”.

Now I’m just regretting the scar that I’m sure will form. And for what? There wasn’t even more than a few minuscule droplets of blood that I squeezed out of the laceration. I guess if I was serious about harming myself and tried a little harder, my hand would have been painted red.

#Self Harm #Mental Health #Personal #Court

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wwwps4 · 4 years

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Just Cause 4

For me, Just Cause 4 was in the top ten expected games of 2018. Since the release of the first game on the PlayStation 2, I have loved this series for the freedom and dynamics of the gameplay, with each new part increased thanks to innovations, mainly tied to the hook-cat of Rico Rodriguez, the main character of the series. From the third part of the franchise began to change noticeably, adding serious notes to the previously crazy action, often devoid of meaning, logic and laws of physics. Actually, for which the series was loved by fans. But the degree of seriousness in Just Cause 3 was kept within the bounds of decency and did not destroy the cool atmosphere of madness — we had a charismatic dictator, not devoid of a sense of humor, a huge world and a wide Arsenal of tools of destruction.

From the fourth game it was quite logical to expect only the development of an established formula, and we got it. Partially. With the evolution of some game variables, unfortunately, others have noticeably degraded.

Looking back at the past, on the review of Just Cause 3, today's I wants to meet myself from the past and hit the head with a poker. Because the estimate is too high. But today's I also understand why this happened: against the background of the second part of the previous game looked and played much better, even despite performance problems. The new mechanics looked great and encouraged the player to use them. In Just Cause 4, the situation is different: new mechanics are curious, but experiments with them get boring after an hour or two, and you only return to balloons with boosters when you perform numerous and monotonous tests that make your eyes ripple. Finally, the game itself does not encourage the use of innovations.

Yes, the developers have tried to add some variety to the tasks that are set for the player, and now the mission to weaken the influence of the enemy in the region is not to destroy their bases, but to systematically capture them. On some bases, you need to disable and hack guns, on others-to steal drawings or weaken the protection, opening important rooms for passing with the help of specific models of cars, tanks and boats. But this is where all the diversity ends, because the mechanics of performing different tasks are still the same: find the switch — break the switch, find the generator-destroy the generator.

Story tasks and side activities in the game are tied to completely similar tasks, the variety of which is even more than in the previous parts of the series, but does not save you from the routine. Disabling switches and blowing up generators would be much more interesting if the developers had improved the artificial intelligence of their opponents, because in their current state, only some types of enemies pose a threat. And even then, not the biggest. A much more dangerous enemy of the player in Just Cause 4 is crazy physics, which can suddenly give out some stupid feint, turning the car over on an even spot or blowing up the helicopter from touching a tree branch with the rotor.

Helicopters in Just Cause 4 are your best friends, even though the body kit and weapons available to the player often don't match (for example, we see two types of projectiles and a machine gun, but we can only use one type of NUR and a machine gun). With them, you can perform most speed tests, clean up almost all the necessary enemy bases, and even destroy an enemy General trying to get away on a jet fighter. Yes, you can catch up with him by helicopter and shoot him. Not ask...

But it is worth paying tribute: the shooting in the fourth part is several goals higher than all previous releases in the series. Finally, Rico has learned to fire from the shoulder, which makes it much easier to aim and makes the control more comfortable. You can only praise the work on weapons and opponents. The hero's Arsenal grows as you progress, and each barrel now feels unique: different rate of fire, accuracy, alternative fire mode, reload speed, and so on. Worthily. Types of enemies also pleased — "Ghosts" and "Titans" can not only spoil the nerves of the player due to its elusiveness and strength of armor, respectively, but also send the invulnerable Rico to the next world.

Transport management has also improved, and all at once. The weight of the cars seems large, although they continue to be cardboard boxes, judging by the impact of game physics on them. Even tanks and armored personnel carriers take off here, like Chinese cars made of chocolate foil. Examples are in the video below! More pleasant than in Just Cause 3, was the management of air technology, but this is more due to its ease. But water transport is frustrating clumsiness, although it is most likely just quite realistic. Other things amuse: boats and jet skis sometimes feel good even on land. See for yourself:

There are also outright deterioration compared to Just Cause 3! For example, the tone of the project changed from casually playful and jaunty on "complex SSI", which has a negative effect on the atmosphere. The share of humor in the narrative and side activities has decreased, and attempts by some minor characters to dive into the pool of jokes ends with a painful blow on a newspaper spread out on the water. Alas, in Just Cause 4, there is no charismatic dictator, no cool boss battles, and most of the potentially cool moments are closed under a video lock. Seriously, instead of creating spectacular battles with the elements, the developers have translated all the "victory over bosses" in the format of videos. It turned out even worse than the battle with the final boss in Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception. And there are few things worse than her.

The plot of the game... Yes, someone will now say that the game Just Cause has never been, and so on. True, but the developers themselves decided to change this and tried to take the "new height", which they did not submit. And since Avalanche Studios themselves decided to bring the story of Rico Rodriguez to the forefront, they gave carte Blanche for appropriate criticism. But it is not worth much to crucify and complain about this, either, it is more expensive for yourself. In General, the story has a good potential, but little attention from the authors, who are constantly confused about the details, dates and events of the past.

Moreover, some of the game dialogs simply do not correspond to the events that follow them. For example, in one of the videos, Tom Sheldon, who decided to make peace with Rico and help his precious student, says: "I will lead", which causes an entertaining skirmish with references to the past. But he gets behind the wheel of an armored car, and Rico climbs in after him. And what do you think? The car, of course, is controlled by the player. Either we were temporarily given power over Sheldon, or the developers and writers again forgot to sync the project's cloud.

When performing tests in Just Cause 4, remember that most of the necessary vehicles for "through the ring on a particular vehicle" tests are located near the test itself. From a few meters to a couple of blocks. For example, if the marker indicates that the test at the top of the mountain requires riding through the ring on a motorcycle, do not rush to look for the bike and attach the balls to it, as I did-climb the mountain using a winch and you will surely find a bike waiting for you there.

As for the technical part and scripto, they are a good source of high mood. However, not when you once again can not get the local "fultons" or jet mini-engines of the hook to work humanly, and they begin to turn the raised objects against any logic. Unfortunately, there will be most of these situations. The Avalanche team came up with interesting chips, but it did not work to implement them in a human way, as well as to encourage players to use them. The entire game, story - wise, you can go through, almost without using hook modifications. So what's the point?! The variety of the "set it yourself" level has always worked in Just Cause, but before that, the game mechanics did not go beyond the daily combat comforts.

Even for most of the tests where you need to deliver a car to an island or the roof of a high-rise, it is much easier to use a cargo helicopter with a magnetic grip than to play with balloons that behave as inadequately as possible most of the time they are used. After completing half of the tests, of which there are more than four hundred, I met only two where it was necessary to use balloons. Here just came to the rescue modification for them, allowing you to control the direction of flight crosshair sight.

The moment just got into the video below, which also says a lot about the technical part, artificial intelligence, stupefied since Just Cause 3, and the gameplay in General:

However, I repeat - fans of the franchise will be more satisfied with the new game, because the basic gameplay is thoroughly prettier. Another thing is that game innovations are mostly meaningless, and if they are simply thrown out, Just Cause 4 will not lose anything. The weather conditions that Avalanche was so proud of look great and even work, but have a strictly plot-based meaning. Without the technology developed by the local dictator, Solis seems to have no tornadoes, no winter blizzards, no sandstorms, no rain and thunderstorms. I just want to start packing my bags and looking for air tickets! After clearing objects that control weather conditions, we can turn them on and off with a single button. What for? To complicate your life, for example.

And there is no need for more. Storm and Blizzard limit the field of view, once in them, the enemies become absolutely stupid and blind. And since computer idiots and so ... idiots, send their intelligence to negative values once again do not want to, because the game becomes not interesting. Tornadoes destroy some objects, but only in specific areas. As well as the storm does not go beyond its limits. It turns out that we can again subject to spontaneous rape already cleared and captured areas. What's the point?! Oh, deja vu…

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stylesdimplefeelings · 5 years

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Take my hand.

This is the third instalment to Miss Holly’s Darling, so it goes. Series.

Catch up below:

Darling, so it goes.

Some things are meant to be.

*****

From their first date onwards, Harry was practically kicking himself.

Of course he was no stranger to the process- he’d been on plenty of dates in the past. And while he had to admit that those times were fun, he knew that something had been missing.

Given their history, he had expected their first date to be awkward and strange, but it couldn’t have been further from that.

They seemed to effortlessly fall into a place that was simply a loving extension of their existing relationship. They talked about the same things, maintained their killer banter and friendly teasing- all while exploring the pieces of their hearts that had never met before. And though every nervous voice was telling him to slow down, he only fell deeper and deeper.

They’d talked about everything.

After much discussion, they’d settled on doing things the ‘traditional’ way. Y/N had always known that she wanted to wait, and despite his initially shocking reaction, he’d warmed to the idea rather quickly.

They hadn’t settled on a timeline yet, but they knew that they wanted the whole hog.

White wedding. Meeting all of their career objectives. Building a home. Babies. Grandbabies. Everything.

A part of him knew it before he ever began to acknowledge the butterflies she gave him every time she looked his way. From the moment they met, they were tied together, unbeknownst to either at the tender age of six. And even though he was sure the wait would be anything but easy, he would do it all if it meant he got to feel those butterflies for the rest of his life.

Looking back on his denial, he felt ashamed. Ashamed that he had made her feel the way she did for the latter half of their friendship. Ashamed that he was cowardly with his feelings. And ashamed that he had wasted so much precious time with her.

He knew it would be too soon.

He knew what people would say.

He was nervous.

But he went through with it anyway.

***

She had done it.

Y/N had FINALLY finished university.

She’d slaved away for four years, written essay upon essay, report upon report, and short story upon short story- and finally, it was over.

But as one life chapter closed, she was overwhelmed with happiness at the prospect of the one that was only beginning.

Having Harry as her significant other had surpassed every expectation that she had.

He was sweet, he was charming, and for the first time in her life, she actually felt secure.

Growing up, Harry had been the only constant in her life. Her extended family had walked in and out of it more times than she could count, and not many of her friends had the balls to stick around when her anxiety took over. But even when he was constantly on the road, he always managed to make her feel less alone.

Passing her final portfolio to her professor gave her one of the most strange feelings that she had ever felt.

On one hand it was completely liberating, but on the other hand, she had never been more terrified. She had already passed the degree-that she knew for sure. But closing the chapter of university meant that there would be no more practice, no more training, and no more messing around- it was real now.

It would be up to her now, and Twitter wasn’t helping the matter.

The fans had always been sceptical of her, but after that photo was taken, she felt like a walking target.

She had never felt inferior to Harry in the past, but being barraged with comments about her lack of success and model-like figure really took her for a loop. And even though she knew they only said it all out of jealousy, she couldn’t escape the pressure.

And when her professor asked her to meet him in his office after that final class, it set off the biggest panic attack of her life.

***

To say he was proud of her was a total understatement.

Their families would constantly credit their shared capacity to dream big as the reason they were so close as children.

Harry- ever the performer- would tell anyone and everyone that he was going to be the next Elvis Presley, and aside from his family, Y/N was the only one who truly believed him.

Y/N- ever the academic- would make anyone and everyone read her ‘novels’ (aka, 2 page stories) and constantly express her undying wish to be a ‘Neyoo Yawk Tighems Bessellah’- a dream that Harry supported from the get-go.

He was never one to make demands, but on this day, he specifically requested that Y/N spend the evening at his place as soon as she finished school- a request that she was very happy to fill.

The whole thing was set up- he’d set his dining table using the fine china that his mother urged him to buy (that had never actually seen the light of day before), placed candles all over the room, put on her favourite album, and even cooked her a meal.

He had just placed dessert in the oven as she walked through the door and neatly hung her coat.

He poked his head around the corner with an “Ello love”, and she ran to him with just about the biggest grin he’d ever seen. He caught her in his arms as she kissed him with all the might she had.

As he placed her back on her feet, she couldn’t stop smiling and giggling.

“So what’s new Sugar Plum?”

“Oh nothing major. Just finished university… you know, the usual.” She attempted to say this nonchalantly, but it all came out in one big, giggly mess.

“I’m so proud of you, you know that right?”

“Of course I do. I can tell by the delightful scent of your exquisite mac and cheese which delicately wafted to the entrance of my nasal cavities the very moment I opened the door.”

***

“Now, I know you told me no gifts or grand gestures, but I have a little something for you Y/N.”

“How did I know?” she looked up at him with a giggle.

After filling up on sticky date pudding, they had decided to catch up on a few tv shows to carry out the night.

Harry reached underneath his couch to retrieve a small red box, tied with a white ribbon.

“You really didn’t have to do this you know.”

“And you really shouldn’t have expected me not to.”

She quickly kissed him before slowly opening the box.

“Harry…” she breathed.

“I love you Y/N. I know it’s a little soon but I really can’t see my life without you in it… ever. I wasted so much time avoiding the way I felt about you and I don’t want to do that anymore.

“Before that night, I thought I was happy. I thought everything in my life was so beyond perfect. But it’s only now that I know how much of an idiot I was.

“You are not only everything I have always wanted Y/N- you’re everything I’ve always needed too. You’ve lit up the side of my heart that I had never seen before, and it’s only now that I actually feel like me, and there’s no way I’m letting you go now.”

With that, he climbed off the couch and knelt down on one knee.

“Y/N, what’s say you marry me?”

Her eyes had filled with tears as she listened, but as soon as he spoke those final words, she simply stared at the open box lying in her hands, terrified over what she was about to do. She let out a breath she didn’t realise she was holding and tried to speak, but the words wouldn’t come out.

“Y/N? Please say something.”

“Harry…”

“If it’s too soon I get it. We can wait a little longer if you want. I’m sorry.. I’ll take it back if you don’t feel comfortable.. I j..”

“No no Harry, that’s not it. Of course I want to marry you. It’s just…”

His heart was racing faster than it ever had before. He had no idea what to say or do. He felt the weight of the world pressing him further and further into the floor and squeezing the air from his lungs.

“Something kind of… happened today.”

“What happened? Did someone hurt you?”

“No no, it’s a good thing. Well… good and bad I guess. I mean, I guess it’s significance hadn’t really sunk in until just now but now that I think about it… it could be a bit of a problem.”

He didn’t want to probe her, but if any more time passed without him knowing what was wrong, he would just about burst.

“What is it love? You can tell me.”

She pushed out one last deep breath.

“My professor called me into his office after class today. He told me that he had a friend in publishing that was looking for a fresh new project so he sent her some of my pieces.”

“That’s amazing sweetheart!”

“But then he told me that this friend really enjoyed my work and wants to kind of… give me a book deal and now… I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m not sure I quite understand poppet. Why exactly is this a problem?”

Finally, she looked into his eyes once again. They were wide and laced with confusion, but nowhere near as broken as they were when she spoke the words that he never saw coming.

“I have to move to New York.”

#harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles blurb #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fluff #harry styles one shot #harry styles story #harry styles fic #solo harry #harry styles smut #Darling so it goes Series #DSIG #Miss Holly

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my-one-love-is-music · 5 years

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Summary: Jason and Tim hated each other. Their friends new this. But when they end up in the same history class, their differences have to be put aside when they're assigned seats next to each other and their teacher has strict requirements for partner discussion and a group project. But there's something else that worries Tim about being partnered with Jason. Their history teacher is notorious for pairing up people she thinks will end up getting married one day. But surely, she can't know that...right?

A/N: I am so happy to finally get to share this fic! This was part of my 2018 Nanowrimo project and the second of three fics I wrote. I loved the concept and I'm starting to wonder if I've run out of useful high school aus because they all seem to be enemies to friends to lovers nowadays and I'm sure y'all are getting bored with that....But I was also so happy to do a collab for this project and one of my good friends drew the cover art for this. Sadly, he no longer has a tumblr I can direct you to to give him the love and support he deserves but I will definitely pass on all the praise that he deserves because the cover art is amazing and I am in love with it.

Also on AO3!

Tim sneered as he turned the corner and spotted Jason leaning against the locker next to Kori, his arm pressed against the metal row of lockers and giving everyone a look at his lean torso encased in a tight tee.

“Don’t look like you’re going to die just from being in the same space as him,” Steph muttered, catching the look he was giving him.

“He’s annoying. And full of himself. He doesn’t even care about school, so I don’t know why he’s here. He skips class all the time,” Tim muttered.

Steph raised an eyebrow. “And you’re one to talk? Tim you’ve skipped class to sleep in the back of the library before. You have no idea where he goes.”

“I’ve caught him behind the school during fifth period. I bet he smokes.”

“Have you ever smelled cigarette smoke on him? Or better yet, seen him with a lit cigarette in his hand?” Steph huffed.

“Well, no, but-“

“But nothing. Don’t make people into villains when you have no idea what they’re doing. He could have a study hall fifth period. You’re the one who was cutting class when you saw him back there.”

“Since when are you on his side?” Tim scoffed as they turned the corner and Jason was finally out of sight again.

“I’m just saying that you’ve judged him a while and maybe you should try and get to know him before you hold a grudge for life against him.”

Tim rolled his eyes as he pushed into his afternoon class. “It’s not like I’m going to see him after high school anyway so what difference does it make?”

“You never know,” Steph grumbled, making a beeline for the space next to the teacher’s desk that had a small chair tucked away. The one positive of them being in the same class Steph was TA-ing in was that they got to see each other. The drawback was that Tim would have to do actual work while she got to fuck around.

“Not so fast,” Ms. Edwards said as Tim approached the last aisle. “What’s your name?”

Tim checked a groan. This was going to be one of those teachers. “Tim Drake,” he muttered.

She nodded and checked something off on the paper in front of her. “You’re going to be in that row. Fourth seat back.”

Tim changed course and made for his seat. He was in the third row and even though he didn’t get the back corner like he wanted, he was relieved he wasn’t in the front. He just hoped this teacher wouldn’t keep assigned seats for the rest of the year.

He made a face at Steph who just smirked back and crossed her arms. He heard the door open but didn’t bother looking up to see who it was.

“Name?” Ms. Edwards asked.

“Jason Todd.”

Tim’s head whipped around so fast it made a horrible cracking noise. He winced and rubbed the side of his neck. He stared at Jason where he was waiting for his seat assignment.

“You’ll be in the fourth row, fourth seat back,” she said, pointing at the seat next to Tim.

Tim’s stomach dropped to his toes. He swallowed, thinking he might be sick. Because Jason was going to be sitting in the seat next to him and he just realized which teacher he had. Ms. Edwards was notorious for sitting students next to each other who she thought would get married one day.

He could only hope that she didn’t do that until later in the class and her first seating arrangements had no bearing on her romantic ideas.

Jason turned to find his seat and froze when he saw Tim. His lips turned down in a scowl and he grumbled something under his breath as he tightened his grip on his backpack strap and made his way down the aisle.

Tim crossed his arms and looked away. He was going to ignore Jason for the entire class. He’d ignore him for the entire year if he had to. He caught sight of Steph who was grinning at him like an idiot, glee filling her gaze.

Tim glared daggers back. He knew it was impossible, but this was exactly the kind of meddling she would take part in. Especially since she was saying all that weird stuff about him and Jason earlier.

Several more students filtered in before the bell rang and Ms. Edwards directed them all to their new seats.

“Good afternoon everyone,” Ms. Edwards started, stepping into the center of the room. “I’m your history teacher for the year. I’ll pass out the syllabus to all of you shortly and something I want to make all of you aware of before we get started is that there’s going to be a lot of discussion this year. Every day I’ll have a question or two on the board for you to complete with the person sitting next to you. This person will also be your partner for the project you’ll complete this semester and the paper you’ll write together next semester. If you fail to hold proper discussion during class time, it will negatively affect your grade.”

Tim paled as Ms. Edwards looked around the room. She picked up a stack of papers and handed them to the first person in each row. He took his packet numbly and passed the last two behind him. He didn’t even see what was in front of him. He was going to be stuck sitting next to Jason for the whole year and he’d be expected to talk to him every day and complete a project.

This was going to be the worst.

Tim tangled a hand in his hair and willed the minutes to tick by faster so he could run out of the room and never look back. If he was lucky, he could get switched to another class. If he wasn’t lucky, maybe he could skip every class and hide in the library, doing all his homework and the project alone to make up for it.

He risked a glance at Jason and found he didn’t look much happier about the arrangement, his lips pulled into a thin line as he frowned down at the paper in front of him, hands curled into fists on the top of his desk.

Tim chucked his textbook into his bag after they were passed out, and barely listened to whatever else Ms. Edwards had to say.

Once the bell rang, he bolted from the classroom utterly relieved and not caring that Steph had to sprint to catch up with him when he turned the corner for his next class.

“This is so unfair,” Tim swore as he shoved a handful of fries into his mouth.

“Maybe this is fate telling you to give Jason a chance. Maybe you could actually be friends instead of hating each other’s guts all the time,” Steph said, waving her hand around innocently enough.

Tim narrowed his eyes. “That’s bullshit. What did you do? Did you somehow tell our teacher to sit us next to each other?”

“I did nothing,” she sniffed. “I’m insulted you would think otherwise. And when would I have gotten the chance to tell her? Today was our first class.”

“I know your meddling when I see it, Steph. Don’t try and tell me this wasn’t your plan. If you had nothing to do with it why were you telling me to stop judging Jason?”

Steph shrugged and stole one of his fries, dipping it into her chocolate shake. “I just thought it was time you moved on. My tolerance of your complaining about him has reached a new low and I’m tired of it. There are thousands of better ways you could spend your time than by ridiculing someone who really hasn’t done anything to you other than indulge your petty arguments.”

Tim growled and stared at his fries, willing them to burst into flames for no other reason than the satisfaction that came with destroying something.

“Look,” she sighed. “Just give him a chance. If you don’t talk to him, you’re going to fail the class and we both know Jason probably isn’t going to let you negatively affect his grade.”

“What are you talking about? He doesn’t even care about school!” Tim asked, nearly catching the edge of his basket of fries while waving his hands around wildly. He needed to make Steph understand how crazy everything she was saying sounded.

None of it was making any sense and he was ready to bury himself under the covers and pray it just went away.

Steph huffed and shook her head. She didn’t say anything else but did steal two more of his fries even as he glared at her. He nearly shoved the rest of the basket in her direction, but instead took one of his fries and swiped it through her shake as she squawked and tried to bat his hand away.

He shoved the offending fry into his mouth and grinned as he chewed, feeling a little better about the whole Jason situation.

Tim sneered at Jason when he sat down next to him and Jason gave him the same look. Tim crossed his arms and sank down in his desk chair, staring at the head of the person in front of him. He was going to ignore everything. He was going to ignore Jason. And he was going to ignore this class.

The bell rang over their heads and Ms. Edwards took her spot behind the podium.

“Your prompts for today are on the board. Discuss those and the short reading from last night while I take attendance. Once you’re all finished, we’ll begin our class by opening the floor up to any interesting insights you may have discussed.”

Tim saw Jason shift out of the corner of his eye, but he defiantly kept his gaze away from him. Jason huffed but didn’t say anything.

Someone cleared their throat in front of them and Tim looked up, his heart stuttering when he saw Ms. Edwards standing in front of them with her arms crossed.

“Is there a reason why the two of you haven’t begun to discuss last night’s reading?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “Everyone else has already started and yet you two continue to sit here in silence. I believe I made myself clear yesterday that there were no exceptions to partner discussion.”

Tim let out a breath and leaned forward. “I can’t work with him,” he said, jabbing a finger in Jason’s direction.

Jason huffed. “Yeah because you make working with you so easy in the first place.”

Ms. Edwards held up a hand. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care if the two of you don’t get along or tear each other’s throats out in the hallway our outside of school. When you’re in my class, you’re going to do the assignment I’ve left for you. If you refuse, I’ll have you both booted from class before you can even blink.”

“But I need this class to graduate!” Jason cried, leaning forward in his seat.

“Then I suggest the two of you get past whatever issue you have with each other and get to work. I won’t give you another warning. This is your last chance.” She turned on her heel and walked back to her desk.

Tim caught sight of Steph who was hiding her laugh behind her math homework. He glared at her but she ignored him, trying not to disturb the rest of the class even as Ms. Edwards shot her amused looks.

Jason sighed next to him and Tim braced himself for what was coming. He turned in his seat and faced him.

“Look,” he started, voice tight with dread. “I know we basically hate each other but I can’t not be in this class and get the credits I need to graduate. So, can we just…I don’t know, do the minimum amount of discussion to get Ms. Edwards off our backs?”

Tim dragged his gaze away from where he was glaring at Steph and met Jason’s eyes. His shoulders were tense, and he looked ready to bolt and Tim couldn’t blame him when he felt the same way.

“Aren’t you forgetting about the semester project that will require us to work together outside of class?” he quipped, raising an eyebrow.

“We can meet once in the library and divide up the work. The rest we can handle over email and don’t even have to be with each other while we work. Sound doable?” Jason asked.

Tim scrutinized him for a moment. The whole situation wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t impossible to deal with. Tim just hoped the rest of the year went by quickly so he could get as far away from Jason as possible and go off to college where he’d be able to live his own life.

“Fine. Works for me,” Tim agreed.

Jason let out a breath and relaxed back in his seat. He turned to the whiteboard and scanned the questions Ms. Edwards left for them. He made a face and Tim snickered.

“Are the questions not to your liking?”

Jason made a pained noise in the back of his throat but didn’t look away from the board. “They’re just so simple. The textbook was pretty clear about the first kinds of recorded history and how that’s changed over the years as language evolved. I don’t know why we need to outline that.”

Tim shrugged. “Maybe to make things easy since it’s the beginning of the year?” he asked.

Jason scoffed. “Life doesn’t just take breaks and history is important. We should be diving in and trying to understand as much as possible, not easing ourselves into things for the sake of avoiding difficulty and conflict. Human history is full of that.”

“Do you just, read history books for fun every night before bed? Are you one of those History Channel documentary guys?”

Jason shrugged. “Not really. I look up what I can but I’m more of an English guy than a history one.”

“Then why do you care so much about this class?”

Jason raised an eyebrow and leveled him with an unimpressed look. “Are you serious right now?”

Tim shrugged and nodded, glancing at the other people around him who were still deep in conversation. Ms. Edwards’ gaze roved over the room, not settling on any one pair too long as she smiled gently.

“We all need a history class to graduate and this was one of the most advanced our school offers. If I want to possibly get some scholarships for college, I need to ace this class. If I get kicked out of this class or fail it’ll show up on my transcript,” he huffed.

Tim swallowed, feeling nausea curl in his stomach. “Oh,” he mumbled.

Jason sneered. “I know rich kids like you don’t have anything to worry about when it comes to paying for college or any other expenses in life, but some of us actually have to work for it.”

Tim shifted in his seat, his discomfort growing. “Look,” he sighed. “I’m sorry okay. I didn’t mean it like that. I just didn’t realize.”

“Of course you didn’t. People like you never do,” Jason growled.

“Alright everyone, bring your attention back to the front,” Ms. Edwards said, straightening behind the podium and oblivious to what had just transpired between Jason and Tim.

Tim pressed his lips together and turned in his seat, facing forward once again. He didn’t know what he would’ve said if given the chance, but he felt like he needed to say something to Jason. Or maybe prove that not all rich people were like that. But he didn’t have much of an argument when he really had things so easy and spent his time judging Jason when he didn’t know the first thing about him or what he was going through.

He pulled out his notebook and slapped it onto his desk. He flipped it open to a clean page and marked it with the date. Every reason he had for hating Jason’s guts or avoiding working with him faded away in the face of Jason’s reality. He had no choice but to make sure they both aced this class for the year and he was damn well determined to make it happen no matter what it took or how much time he’d have to spend with Jason.

Tim turned the corner and froze when he saw Jason and Roy walking towards him. Jason glanced at him but didn’t make any other move to address his presence, continuing on past him.

Tim tightened his grip on the straps of his backpack and ducked his head. He didn’t know what he was expecting but maybe having a common goal in history class was enough to diffuse any other interaction between them.

Although now that he was thinking about it, he was almost certain every interaction they’d had in the past was started on his part. He couldn’t deny that he was the most hostile of the two and he wondered if they would’ve fought so much if he let Jason go on his way and kept to himself.

He still felt guilty over the day before and thought he needed to make it up to Jason somehow but any form of apology he could think of felt empty or meaningless when it came to Jason.

Tim sighed and hurried through the hall to his next class. He’d have to keep thinking, but he was sure the only thing he could do at this point was put all of his efforts into history even if it was at the expense of his other classes.

Tim nodded at Jason when he sat down next to him in history class. Jason nodded back and they didn’t say anything as they waited for the bell to ring. The other people around them chatted with their partners, ignoring the prompts on the board for the moment, but enjoying the bonds they were already starting to form.

Tim doubted he and Jason would ever reach that kind of familiarity with each other before the end of the year. He frowned when he realized there was a slight ache in his chest at the thought of missing out on that kind of understanding.

He sucked in a quiet breath when the bell rang and straightened, readying himself like he was going to war. He turned to face Jason who was already watching him.

“You want to start or me?” Tim asked, gesturing at the board.

Jason cocked his head to the side and sneered at the board. “These questions are still more annoying than anything else. It’s like reading quiz level of difficulty.”

Tim couldn’t help himself when he chuckled. “Then what do you want to talk about?” Tim asked, propping his fist against his cheek.

Jason blinked at him, seemingly surprised for a moment. He shrugged and Tim watched a light blush flood his cheeks.

He huffed. “I guess my main problem with the civilizations of the past is not caring about their records. Like, they could’ve made so much amazing art or music or writing. Hell, even public records would’ve been great to have centuries later so we could have a better understanding of what people did, but they just didn’t care and either let it get destroyed or didn’t bother to store it.”

“Can you really tell me that you save your daily schedule in the hopes that it’ll one day be an important historical document?” Tim asked.

Jason scoffed. “Please, like anyone would find anything important in my daily schedule.”

Tim smirked. “And you just answered your own question. Those people back then probably didn’t think anyone would see the worth in the records they were keeping. Or they didn’t have the capacity to even imagine anyone living a hundred years in the future, let alone a year, when they didn’t have much of a concept of time. They probably didn’t think anything would still exist after their lives ended.”

Jason grumbled something under his breath. “Okay, fine I guess you’re right. I still don’t like it though.”

Tim chuckled. “You’re not meant to like it. A lot of historians don’t like it because we have no idea what life was like back then but that’s just the state of things. At least now we have the internet that can keep a digital record of human life.”

“As long as an apocalypse doesn’t happen that totally wipes out the internet and all digital records,” Jason shot back.

“If an apocalypse is happening, libraries and museums won’t last much longer than the technology blackout. They’ll get burned or destroyed, by humans or natural disasters. Whichever category the apocalypse ends up falling into anyway,” Tim said.

Jason narrowed his eyes. “You seem to have a put a lot of thought into this.”

Tim wrinkled his nose and shook his head. “Not really. It’s just kind of common sense when you think about.”

Jason narrowed his eyes and leaned forward. “How so?”

Tim matched his posture and grinned, bracing his elbows on his knees. “Okay, so…when you’re considering the future of the human race, as far as an apocalypse goes, you have two options. It’s going to be caused by humans or it’s going to be a natural disaster.”

“What about aliens?” Jason interrupted.

Tim waved his hands. “We’ll only take that into account once we find proof of alien life.”

“But there’s plenty of potential on moons and planets which already exist in the universe. Scientists have found conditions similar to Earth’s where life could’ve developed.”

“That’s true, but we don’t know if there’s life there or not. Now stop interrupting so I can explain this to you,” Tim huffed. “The human causes are most likely going to be nuclear, unless society just somehow regresses and we basically abandon organized civilization, which I don’t exactly see happening, but who knows, we could end up driving ourselves into extinction since we can be so stupid sometimes.”

Jason breathed a laugh and Tim swallowed, having to take a moment because he never would’ve imagined Jason laughing when they were together, let alone being the reason Jason laughed.

“Okay,” Tim continued, voice a little unsteady. “The other option is natural disaster which takes out all forms of electricity and destroys major cities, killing large population centers and crippling government and organization.”

Jason nodded. “Okay I’m with you so far, go on…”

Tim grinned. “If the nuclear option happens, that’ll short-circuit all technology so the world will go dark. Some systems might still stay online but if you don’t have the workers to keep things going, those won’t last long, and last time I checked, every person in the world didn’t have the skills to maintain advanced technology systems or power plants. If the natural disaster occurs, again, you won’t have the workers to keep those systems online and all digital footprints will probably get wiped if there’s no one to get them back online and if none of those files are backed up, they’re going to be lost. Not to mention that buildings and businesses in the major natural disaster centers are most likely the most advanced so the hardest hit to cultural records is going to come from big cities located near the coast.”

Tim grinned as he sat back. He could see Jason turning over all the information in his head. He crossed his arms and nodded.

“Okay,” he conceded. “But that doesn’t mean there won’t be enough for future historians to piece together the past and understand what life was like before all that happened.”

Tim shrugged. “That’s assuming this whole cycle hasn’t been repeating itself and past civilizations did have those records, but the destruction was too great that practically nothing survived.”

Jason narrowed his eyes. “Has anyone ever told you that your brain is a terrifying place?” he asked.

Tim chuckled. “More than you know.”

“Okay, everyone let’s come back together,” Ms. Edwards said, catching their attention.

Tim’s smile slipped from his face. He swallowed and turned to face the front of the room, belatedly realizing that he’d actually enjoyed his conversation with Jason. As off-topic as it was.

Tim glanced at Jason as they passed in the hallway after lunch.

“Well that’s interesting,” Steph said beside him, voice taking on a conspiratorial edge.

“What is?” he asked, barely paying her any mind, his thoughts already on his history class that afternoon.

“You walked within two feet of Jason and didn’t tear each other’s throats out.”

Tim rolled his eyes but kept his gaze on the hall ahead of them. “Don’t act so surprised. We have to get along for class. It’s not worth it to fight in the hall.”

“Yeah, but you don’t have history for another period and there’s no teacher around to make sure you act civil around each other right now. And last time I checked, you didn’t give much of a shit about getting to class when you were around Jason.”

“Just shut up,” Tim grumbled, stuffing his hands in his jeans’ pockets.

Steph snickered next to him. “You want to know what I think?”

“No, not really.”

“Okay rude,” she huffed. “And I’m going to tell you anyway since you’re not being nice to me. I think that you actually like talking to Jason and you’ve realized that he’s really not a bad guy.

“And you know what I think?” Tim shot back. “I think you’re crazy for thinking that. We might be getting along now, but I can guarantee that once we get the grade for this class and pass with flying colors, we’re going to go back to hating each other’s guts. It’s not going to change anything, as much as you’re going to insist otherwise.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Steph said, finally catching his attention. He glanced at her and found her smirking at him. “You seemed pretty happy to talk to him about your theories on parallel universes the other day. I think you even smiled. And he seemed more than invested in what you were saying for someone who’s just acting as your project partner.”

“Don’t get so excited, it doesn’t mean anything,” Tim grumbled, ignoring the little stab in his chest at the thought. He wasn’t going to spend time thinking about what that meant. He couldn’t be getting attached. Not to someone who hated his guts and didn’t give a shit about him if it didn’t benefit him in some way.

Tim glanced up at Ms. Edwards when he snatched the folded sheet of paper back from Jason’s fingers. They’d gotten into a heated discussion at the beginning of class and neither of them had been able to leave the topic alone, so they resorted to passing notes in class while their teacher lectured with the most elaborate Powerpoint Tim had ever seen.

He unfolded the paper, jotting down a couple notes in his notebook before he scanned Jason’s words.

You can’t seriously think that people in the past didn’t find remnants from other civilizations. Or even dinosaur bones. I’m sure more than enough fossils have been lost because of poor care or ignorance.

Tim huffed and grabbed his pen, hunching over his chair to scribble out his response.

Maybe so but if that was always the case then what made people curious enough to keep the first fossils we still have? Maybe they were seen as a kind of trophy or sign of status. Maybe dinosaur bones caused wars or feuds to break out because people were desperate to claim them.

He folded up the paper and slid it off the desk, passing it back to Jason.

“Boys?” Ms. Edwards asked, clearing her throat.

They both jumped and looked up, finding Ms. Edwards standing at the entrance to the aisle between their rows, her eyes on the square of paper held between their hands.

“I’m sure whatever conversation you’re having is incredibly interesting, but I am trying to teach a history lesson. So please put that away. You can continue your conversation after class and if I see it again, I will confiscate it.”

Tim let go of the edge of the paper like he’d been burned and slid down in his chair. “Sorry,” he mumbled, picking up his pen to focus his attention on his scrawled notes.

Jason shoved the note into his backpack and sat forward, tangling his fingers in his hair as he picked up his pen to take more notes.

Ms. Edwards nodded and returned to her podium, to the muffled snickers of the rest of the students. She cleared her throat, silencing the class and moving to the next slide in her lecture.

Tim diligently took down the notes and main points she’d prepared for them and hoped his blush went away a lot faster than the lingering heat in his face suggested it did.

Jason unfolded the sheet of paper as soon as he was in the hallway and free of Ms. Edwards scrutiny. He was embarrassed over being caught passing notes in class, but he couldn’t help it if his conversations with Tim were interesting and kept him as occupied as their class lecture did.

He could handle both of those things and knew it wouldn’t cause him to fall behind even if it didn’t look good to the teacher. As long as she didn’t kick him out of class that’s all that mattered.

He scanned Tim’s response and rolled his eyes. As much as Tim was interested in sci-fi and had opinions about alien life and surviving any form of the apocalypse, he still had an astounding lack of creativity or understanding of human curiosity.

“Why do you have such a specific expression of exasperated amusement on your face?”

Jason glanced up and found Roy standing in front of him, eyeing the paper in his hands. He folded it up and shoved it into his pocket.

“Nothing,” he answered, pushing past him to walk down the hall to his last class of the day.

Roy grinned and hurried to keep up with him. “This doesn’t have anything to do with your lovely little partner in history class does it?”

Jason flushed but tried to glare at Roy to keep him from touching that topic.

“Oh it does!” he said, sounding more delighted than Jason thought he had any right to. “I’ve gotta say, I wasn’t expecting this kind of drama to happen during our senior year, but I am so excited that it did. You’re like a real-life soap opera. I need to start carrying popcorn with me.”

“Just shut up,” Jason grumbled. “This has nothing to do with you.”

“Whatever you say,” Roy teased.

Jason rolled his eyes and tried to hurry to his last class in an effort to ignore whatever scrutiny Roy would give him over what was going on between him and Tim, not that it was any of his business. But Roy had a habit of sticking his nose into things where it didn’t belong.

“Okay, now that you’ve had time to get to know each other and jump into the early dredges of history we’ve covered since the beginning of the year, it’s time to start picking out your topics for you history project,” Ms. Edwards said as Tim turned to pick up his conversation with Jason where they’d left off the day before.

Tim sagged back in his chair, wishing their teacher couldn’t have waited until after they got their usual conversation time to introduce their project.

“As I’m sure will disappoint many of you, you’re not going to have complete freedom over what you research, but I do have a list of time periods and topics you’re all going to choose from. I’ll go around and each pair will draw a number from a hat. We’ll go in order of the numbers to choose which topic you’d like.”

Ms. Edwards crossed the room, handing a stack of papers to the first person in each row.

“These papers have a list of the requirements for the project and the list of topics is on the back. I’ll give you about five or ten minutes to go over all of this and discuss things with your partner before we draw numbers. If you find you really don’t like anything on this list, I am willing to assess any proposals you might have, and we can work something out so everyone’s happy. Okay? Okay.”

Tim scanned the page in front of him, reading through the requirements for source material and what would be needed for their presentation. They’d have to put together enough information for a six-minute presentation with a Powerpoint but he was happy they could use a video aid as long as it wasn’t longer than a minute.

Tim flipped over his page and looked down the list of topics. He glanced up at Jason who was staring at the list too.

“Thoughts?” Tim asked with a sigh.

Jason glanced up at him and shrugged. “There’s some interesting topics. Nothing I’m overly excited about but we could do something about the Romans or the Vikings.”

Tim nodded. “The Vikings might be pretty interesting actually. And since we can use videos in our presentation, we can use that to give some background information before diving into something specific about them.”

Jason smiled. “Yeah that would be great actually. We could probably find something in a History Channel documentary. Or even a short Youtube video.”

Tim snickered. “Of course you would go for the History Channel. I knew I was right in tagging you as a documentary guy.”

Jason rolled his eyes. “So, we’re agreed on Vikings for our first choice.”

Tim nodded.

“We should probably have one or two more back-up topics.”

Tim sighed. “Romans could be one. I don’t know, what else would you be interested in?”

“Ancient China?” Jason suggested. “Maybe the silk road.”

Tim nodded. “Yeah okay. There’s probably a lot of information about that too and at least we can use a mixture of documentaries and books.”

Jason smiled and blinked when a basket appeared between them. He glanced up at Ms. Edwards who had an eyebrow raised at him.

“Oh, right,” he mumbled and reached into the hat. He snatched a small piece of folded paper and pulled it out, letting Ms. Edwards step past them to the next pair.

“Well?” Tim asked. “What’s the damage?”

“The moment of truth I guess,” Jason mumbled. He opened the slip of paper and winced.

“Tell me we’re not last?” Tim begged.

“We’re not last,” Jason admitted. “Our number is thirteen.”

“So third to last,” he grumbled.

Jason nodded.

Tim bit his lip and slumped against the back of his chair. He wasn’t going to expect anything. He knew they probably wouldn’t get their first choice of topics and maybe not even their second choice. He just hoped they got something they wanted.

“Okay everyone,” Ms. Edwards said, stepping behind her podium again. “Are we all ready to start picking topics?”

Tim glanced around the room and saw groups giving each other death glares as they began the fight and hopefully won the favor of the draw to get their desired topics.

Tim bit his lip and crossed his arms when the first number was called. The group took one of the most popular topics and he heard several groups groan and start frantically whispering about their other choices. What was picked first wasn’t one they were looking for, offering a little bit of a relief their choice hadn’t been taken yet. But as was always the case when it came to picking topics in class, there were still a lot of groups to go.

The whole process was agonizing, and it felt like ages between one group and the next as they picked what they wanted. Their second choice was snatched up after the first six groups had gotten their assignments and Tim was amazed that their third choice was taken before their first pick.

Tim glanced at Jason who looked just as shocked as him.

“Okay,” Ms. Edwards said. “Number thirteen. Who has number thirteen?”

“We do,” Jason said, raising the piece of paper in his hand.

Ms. Edwards smiled and raised an eyebrow, waiting for them to voice their topic.

“We’re going with the Vikings.”

She nodded and marked something down on her sheet before turning to the next group. Tim let out a breath and sagged in his chair. He scrubbed a hand over his face and shared a look with Jason.

“I can’t believe we managed to get our first choice.”

Jason nodded. “I don’t think that ever happens for people so far down the list like us,” he agreed. “We should get to work on this as soon as possible. The sooner we get it done, the sooner we don’t have to worry about it anymore.”

Jason nodded. “Do you want to meet in the library after school and we can divide the work up?”

Tim nodded. “Yeah. We can find some sources and outline what we want to cover.”

“Quiet down,” Ms. Edwards said, bringing their conversations to a close. “I know you’re all excited to get working on your projects, but I still have today’s lesson to get through. Later next week we’re going to be picking presentation days. You’ll find the range on your assignment sheets so start thinking about what dates would work best for you. And if you really are that excited to get started on your project, you’re more than welcome to get started in the library after school.”

Tim buried his face in his arms after he dropped into a chair at the table Jason had already snagged in the library.

“You okay?” Jason asked.

Tim huffed and nodded. “Just exhausted. You know, the usual I guess.”

Jason chuckled. “Well it’s almost the weekend. Only a few more days to get through.”

“Yeah but now we have this project to work on.”

“But that doesn’t mean you can’t sleep in,” Jason argued.

“Fair enough,” Tim grumbled and finally sat up in his chair, rubbing his fists against his eyes. “Any idea of where we can start with this?”

“Well it’s a history project,” Jason drawled. “So, we can start by outlining which parts of the history of the Vikings we want to cover. Their origins would be a good place to start and their general practices.”

Tim nodded. “I can find a documentary to reference over the weekend. And I’ll look for some reference books, too.”

“Do you want to focus on their everyday lives?” Jason asked, pulling out his notebook.

Tim nodded. “Yeah, I can do that. Aren’t they famous for their raids?”

Jason paused. “I think so? I’ll make a note of it and we can figure it out later. We should probably meet a couple times to put everything together.”

“Does this weekend work for you? I know I was just complaining about sleeping but at least we can order pizza and chill while doing work.”

“Yeah sure,” Jason said, eyebrows raising in obvious surprise. “Does Saturday work?”

“Yeah. Here,” he said, pulling out one of his sticky notes. “Let me give you my phone number and we can text each other a good time.” He shoved the piece of paper with his scrawled number across the table.

Jason took it and pulled out his phone, putting in the digits before he shot a message back to Tim. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and watched as Jason pocketed his phone.

“I feel like we should be doing more work than that,” Tim admitted. “But I also know some of this will have to be done on our own.”

Jason nodded. “Yeah…I kind of feel the same way. But we’re also going to have time over the weekend to do this and I don’t really see the point in spending hours in the library right now.”

“You mind if I just hang out and do some of my homework for tonight?”

He shook his head and pulled out his math textbook. “I was thinking of doing the same thing. Might as well use the time we’ve got here.”

Tim smiled and pulled out his chemistry textbook and the worksheet they’d been assigned. The silence between them was easy as they got to work, pencils scratching against different sheets of paper.

Tim grinned and held up the two pizza boxes in his hands when Jason pulled the door open.

“You brought pizza?” he asked.

Tim rolled his eyes and pushed past him, taking in the small apartment. “Of course I did,” he scoffed. “I couldn’t not bring brain food and you’re letting us work here when you didn’t have to.”

Jason shrugged, shoulders stiff with the movement.

“So…are we going to work in the living room or at the kitchen table or would you prefer your room?” Tim prompted when Jason didn’t make a move to direct him anywhere.

“Right, yeah,” he said, snapping out of whatever daze he’d been in. “We can go to my room. I’ve already got all my stuff spread out over the floor.”

Tim nodded and followed Jason to his bedroom. The floor was covered in books and papers, but Tim didn’t have an issue finding a spot for himself. Jason helped him move his homework out of the way to set the pizza down.

He flipped open the top of the first box and grabbed a slice before stretching his legs out in front of him and pulling his laptop from his bag. Jason was a little more hesitant to take a slice of pizza and he didn’t relax right away when he settled back down among his piles of papers and ideas.

Tim hummed under his breath and opened his programs.

“So,” he started, taking another bite of pizza. “I was thinking we could use this video in our presentation. I know we can’t take up more than a minute, but it gives a pretty good explanation as to the practices of the Vikings.”

Jason nodded. “Lay it on me.”

Tim turned his computer and let the clip play, the sound filtering through his speakers clearly.

“Looks good to me,” he agreed. “I think that would be good to put between the history of the Vikings that I’m covering and the start of your section.”

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking, too. Have you put any slides together?”

“No. I didn’t really feel like I was ready to do that, and I think it would be better to do that together anyway.”

Tim nodded and opened his web browser. “We can use the free software through Google so we can both access it.”

He quickly set up a presentation and sent the link to Jason’s email.

Jason grabbed another slice of pizza and pushed himself to his feet, sitting down in his desk chair to bring his desktop to life. He tapped away at the clunky keyboard and Tim smiled when his name appeared in the corner of his screen.

Tim added a few slides and stuck the video in the middle of them, knowing they’d both add more slides as they needed and compiled their work together.

Silence fell between them, but Tim didn’t find it uncomfortable in the slightest. Jason prompted him to pass him the pizza every now and then and they ate most of it as they worked on their project in companionable silence. Tim had never expected to be in the same room as Jason for so long without fighting. He never expected to be in Jason’s home in the first place.

Tim startled when he heard the front door slam, his fingers jerking against the keys and making his sentence deteriorate into a bunch of jibberish.

“Jason?” a woman called.

“Shit, sorry,” Jason mumbled to Tim, pushing himself from his chair. He hurried from the room, pulling the door shut behind him.

Tim strained to hear what was being said but couldn’t make out much more than the soft murmurs of their voices. He sighed and went back to his work, wiping his fingers on a crumpled napkin to keep the grease off his keys.

Jason returned a few minutes later. “Sorry about that,” he apologized. “I guess we lost track of time. I thought you were going to be gone by the time my mom got back from work.”

Tim shrugged. “It’s not a big deal, really. If you want me to, I can go…”

“No really, it’s okay,” Jason said in a rush, holding up his hands. “My mom’s fine with it, too.”

“Although,” Tim continued, smirk pulling at his lips. “I don’t know if we really need to do that much more work or we’re going to have this finished today.”

Jason sat down in his chair and grinned. “That might not be such a bad thing.”

“Maybe not but we’re still a month out from when presentations even start.”

“Well,” Jason said, “if we’re not going to work on this anymore, you feel like watching a movie? Or do you need to get home? I guess I shouldn’t assume-”

“A movie would be great. We still have some pizza left anyway that I’m dying to eat. What do you have?”

Jason grinned and pushed himself out of his chair. He pulled a large bin out from under his bed and shoved it in Tim’s direction. Tim started sorting through the cases as Jason picked up his schoolwork, putting it in a small pile on his desk.

“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to watch all of the ones I want in one sitting,” Tim warned as he made a small pile next to his hip, flipping through the next few cases.

“We can always continue this next weekend,” Jason said with a shrug.

Tim swallowed and ducked his head, hoping to hide the grin that pulled at his lips. “Sure. If you don’t mind having me around.”

“Not at all,” Jason said, voice light. “We have to finish our project anyway.”

“Let’s start with this one then,” Tim said, passing him one of the cases he’d picked out.

Jason looked over the title and nodded. “This is a good one. Just let me get this set up.” He turned back to his computer and inserted the disk into his tower. He clicked several things and enlarged the screen so it took up his whole monitor.

He glanced over his shoulder and paused. “It might be easier if we both sat on the bed,” he said, flush rushing to his cheeks as he pulled the curtains over the window behind his desk.

“Yeah, no problem,” Tim said, pushing himself up from the floor. “It makes sense since we only have a computer monitor to work with.”

Jason heard the bed shift behind him and fought not to look until he hit play and stood up from his chair. He spared a quick glance in Tim’s direction before he crawled onto his bed and leaned back against the wall next to Tim.

Their shoulders brushed as they settled into place and even though there was some space between them, Jason could still feel the warmth wafting off Tim.

He swallowed and fought to focus on the movie, ignoring why he was so distracted by their proximity in the first place. There were project partners and really nothing more even if it felt like they were edging into that kind of territory.

Jason didn’t want to get his hopes up. And he questioned why he’d even have to worry about that in the first place.

“Oh come on,” Tim protested, eyes focused on Jason’s computer screen.

He angrily shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth and Jason hid his smile behind his sip of soda.

They’d worked on their project for about an hour before they both got distracted and bored and decided to put it to the side in favor of continuing their movie marathon. They were ahead of where they needed to be anyway, and Jason knew that taking some time to enjoy themselves on a Saturday wouldn’t put them that far behind.

He glanced to the side, taking in Tim’s profile. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but he thought they were sitting closer than they had the week before. Every time Tim reached to grab a handful of popcorn, their biceps brushed together, sending a jolt of warmth against his skin.

Tim’s eyelashes almost seemed to brush his skin when he blinked, and Jason wondered if they were as soft as they looked. His eyebrows were turned down because he was annoyed with whatever choice the protagonist was making and Jason couldn’t blame him when he had the same thoughts.

Every time Tim offered some insight or commentary into the plot of the movie, Jason was drawn in by his thoughts. When he laughed, his nose would crinkle up in an adorable way as his eyes nearly squeezed shut and he leaned back against the wall to keep himself upright.

Jason froze and pulled his gaze away from watching how Tim’s blue eyes were focused on the screen, soaking up every detail of the film they were watching and no doubt catching things Jason would never understand. He swallowed and fought down the rising panic in his chest that wanted to drown him under his new revelation.

He wasn’t supposed to be interested in Tim. They were supposed to hate each other’s guts. They had hated each other’s guts until they were paired together for their history class. And it didn’t help anything that their teacher had paired them because she thought they would work out romantically.

Jason grabbed a fistful of popcorn and shoved it into his mouth. Tim moved next to him and Jason almost thought he’d been found out but he did nothing more than hold the bowl towards him so he could have more of the snack.

He ducked his head in a half-nod and grabbed another handful of popcorn to keep his mouth busy. He was afraid that his realization would burst out of him and incriminate him. He couldn’t find Tim attractive. He couldn’t think he was cute. Not when Tim probably only tolerated him at best.

Tim would hate him if he knew about his growing feelings. They’d never be able to get along again, and it would put them right back where they’d been at the beginning of the year. And Jason was just starting to realize that he never wanted to go back to that place. He realized how much he hated it and had hated it when he was still there.

He’d just have to suffer through their work sessions on their project and the time they had to spend together in class. Beyond that, he’d need to keep his distance. He’d need to get some of the distance that used to be between them back.

He couldn’t push Tim away fully. He was too selfish for that and he didn’t think Tim would let him if he tried. Not when he was content to spend a couple hours together without an issue.

Jason swallowed. He’d make it through the year. He’d spend as much time with Tim as he could, but he wouldn’t become weak to what he wanted. They’d get through their project and that would be it. The only time they’d spend with each other after this would be in class.

He could deal with it. It would be enough. Even if it wasn’t what he wanted.

Tim shoved the door to his bedroom open and let it slam shut behind him. He dropped his backpack on the floor and tried to keep himself from hyperventilating as his chest tightened and his breaths came faster.

He swallowed and fought to push the memories of sitting next to Jason on his bed for a handful of hours from his memory. They weren’t friends. They could barely be classified as friends. They were just bored and needed to get their project done for class. It meant nothing more than a grade and he was trying to convince himself of that.

Jason didn’t like him. He tolerated him and he knew he just put up with his presence in his home, but he didn’t like him. And even if Tim was drowning under the beauty of Jason’s intelligence and every comment he made that got Tim to laugh, he couldn’t do anything about it.

Tim squeezed his eyes shut when his brain wanted to fixate on the size of his biceps and how great he looked in whatever he decided to throw on for the day. And then there was his secret nerdy side…

He shook his head, fighting to push his thoughts to the back of his mind. The longer he lingered on them, the closer to the forefront of his brain they would be and if that happened, they would not doubt get him into trouble. And if he didn’t get himself into trouble with Jason, then he would definitely out himself to Steph and he couldn’t allow that to happen.

Tim would fight to get through the end of their project and then he’d bury anything he felt for Jason under the rest of his classes and his homework. He knew there wasn’t going to be anything for them once this project was done.

They’d be back to where they were before it happened and would have no more interaction than their conversations in class.

There wouldn’t be any more movie nights. There would be fewer witty conversations. And Tim would struggle with the loss of a great relationship he could’ve had for years but would no doubt be out of his reach because of the choices he made in the past.

Tim sighed and threw himself onto his bed. He buried his face in his pillows and was determined to block out the rest of the world for a few hours at least. He didn’t want to think about anything.

And if he did think about something, he wanted to be able to bury it in his dreams so that his suspicions of soft-looking lips and tight hugs would never see the light of day and he’d never risk embarrassment over his attraction to the one person he was supposed to hate for the rest of his life.

Tim kept his head down as they neared their project deadline. They finished ahead of schedule and used the extra time they had to prepare to practice their presentation once a day in the library after school.

Now that they didn’t have to prepare anything and had their portions of the presentation practically memorized, there was no longer an excuse for longer conversations or their movie marathons.

Something ached deep in Tim’s chest when he couldn’t go over to Jason’s house and lock himself away in his room while they watched a movie. He’d never get to sit close to him on the bed or share snacks or talk about the most ridiculous thing from whatever movie they put on.

He tried to ignore the pain that seemed to hurt him deep inside whenever the light caught Jason’s eyes just right, or he caught him laughing at something Roy had said to him in the hallway. He missed pulling those deep belly laughs out of Jason.

Steph had noticed where his gaze lingered and asked him about it, but he wasn’t ready to admit his feelings, let alone talk about missing the time he’d gotten to spend with Jason over the course of the semester.

When the moment of truth finally came, he got through their actual presentation in a daze but knew he hadn’t messed up a single line from how many times they’d practiced.

Jason grinned at him when they finished, and their class offered polite applause. Tim returned Jason’s enthusiasm easily even if something inside his core shattered that Jason didn’t like him for anything more than the grade they were working to get together in the class.

And now it was all over.

The days following their presentation were painful. They barely talked before class started and Tim constantly glanced in his direction but didn’t get any sign that Jason might be missing their usual camaraderie like he was. He wasn’t able to focus on any of the other presentations that were given, thoughts swirling in a toxic circle that always came back to the same thing.

Tim’s sleep got worse. He stayed up late staring at the ceiling, worried that he’d done something to piss Jason off as the distance between them continued to grow. He didn’t know how to fix anything between them and thought they were back to the point of no return. He was sure if they didn’t change things before their semester ended, they’d never get back to the point where they had been.

Jason forced his eyes closed but knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep any better than he had been the past few weeks. The sounds of the city outside his apartment were too loud. They accused him of all the mistakes he’d made in his life, the most horrible of them the distance growing between him and Tim again.

Things had been going well between them. Every second they spent together outside of school was like a small victory for him and what he wanted in life. They hadn’t even gotten through every movie Tim had wanted to watch before it was time to give their presentation and their time working on their project had ended.

They still saw each other in school and had class together and Jason was ecstatic they got the best grade in the class on their project, but things were awkward between him and Tim like they never had been before.

Sure, things hadn’t been easy when they were forced together at the beginning of the year but that was more because of the lingering animosity between them. They’d never been awkward.

And now he was sure he’d been reading the signs wrong between them. Even if he had to suffer through his growing attraction for Tim, he was happy to have him as a friend. But now that even seemed out of reach. He didn’t know how to fix it either.

If he asked Tim what happened he’d probably scoff and say that they were only spending time together because of their class and that would make things even more awkward because Tim would know he’s interested.

He’d become the school joke because there was no way Tim would keep that quiet if they were still the furthest thing from friends they could be.

Jason huffed and rolled onto his side, burying his face in his pillow. He could only hope that they could fix things or at least get back to where they had been before their presentation.

He wouldn’t survive if he had to stew with this uncertainty for the two weeks of winter break.

Tim glanced at Jason when he sat down in his seat next to him in class. They’d passed each other in the hall earlier but neither of them had made eye contact or any other sign of recognition.

He wanted to say something, but he seemed to be at a spectacular loss of words as of late. Even their conversations in class which used to delve into the most random topics never strayed from the questions Ms. Edwards wrote out on the board for them.

The bell rang over their heads and as the other groups around them started their discussion, Tim sluggishly turned in his chair.

“Hey,” he said.

Jason glanced at him and turned in his chair, leaning heavily against the back of his seat.

“So, what did you think of last night’s reading?” he continued, nearly wincing at how stilted and formal the question sounded like they hadn’t already spent a whole semester talking and working on a project.

Jason shrugged. “It was interesting. I want to know more about the ritual practices that were touched on in the middle of the chapter. It didn’t go into much detail.”

“Was that really the most important section to focus on though?” Tim asked.

“Does it matter if it was or not?” Jason scoffed. “I found it interesting and would’ve liked to know more. Obviously, they can’t go in depth on every topic or the textbook would weigh a thousand pounds.”

“Right,” Tim huffed and rolled his eyes. “I guess you can just watch a documentary and get the answers you want.”

Tim swallowed the bitter taste that filled the back of his throat. This wasn’t how he wanted their conversation to go. It felt wrong and tainted. They couldn’t go back to how they’d been. He didn’t want them to.

They stared at each for a moment and Tim sighed.

“Okay everyone,” Ms. Edwards said, cutting off what he was about to say. “Let’s get things started, shall we? Who wants to go first?”

Tim turned to face the front of the room and pulled out his notebook. He sagged down in his chair and tried to push any thoughts of his crumbling relationship with Jason to the back of his mind. He’d fix it later.

Tim felt more irritable the closer to winter break they got. If the stress from studying for finals wasn’t bad enough, he always seemed to be plagued with thoughts of what was going on between him and Jason.

His sleep schedule was beyond fucked up and it had nothing to do with trying to cram as much studying in as possible. His brain never shut up and Steph was avoiding him after he snapped at her because he couldn’t handle his own shit.

“Okay I’m going to take pity on you and forgive you for snapping at me yesterday,” Steph huffed, sitting across from him at lunch.

Tim glanced up from his tray of sad looking food. “I’m sorry about that,” he mumbled.

“I know you are, but you can’t take out your teenage angst on everyone else. Especially your best friend,” she said, giving him a onceover. “Normally I would hold out until you came crawling back to apologize, but you look so sad I decided to take pity on you.”

“Thanks.”

Steph stared at him for a minute and Tim tried not to shift under her scrutiny. “You really need to fix whatever’s going on with you.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Here’s a thought: talk to him.”

“It doesn’t matter. It won’t do any good,” he said, throwing his plastic fork onto his tray.

“God, you’re so hopeless sometimes. Okay, fine,” she huffed. “If you’re not going to try to fix this and just let whatever happens, happen, then you can’t be sad and moan and groan and get mad at me. So, get your shit together and talk to him, or shut up and get through the next week before break.”

Tim slouched further in his chair and ran a hand through his hair. He nodded and shoved a cold fry into his mouth, chewing bitterly.

Tim threw himself onto his bed when he got home from his last day of school. He’d struggled to get through his history final without being distracted by Jason next to him. Even when he finished his test and turned it in, he still couldn’t do anything because they weren’t allowed to talk and Jason took more time than he did.

He didn’t want to risk trying to pass a note and getting caught by Ms. Edwards either. She could’ve thought they were cheating and as desperate as he was to repair what was between them, he wasn’t going to risk Jason’s grade even if he didn’t care that much about his own.

Tim was ready to bury himself in bed and ignore the rest of the world for two weeks. He didn’t want to go to his parents’ Christmas party, and he didn’t even care about what happened on Christmas and the pile of consolation prizes his parents bought for him.

The only thing he wanted was for things to be fixed and if it meant willing away the time off they had, then he would give it all away and jump right into second semester.

His heart ached and he almost wished he could show up at Jason’s front door and settle in for a movie night with pizza and ice cream.

Tim sighed and yanked his blanket over him, forcing his eyes shut in the hopes that he might finally be able to get some sleep.

Jason stared out his bedroom window. Snow was falling gently between Gotham’s buildings and the road was already covered with a light dusting of snow. It would turn to slush soon even with the reduced traffic on the streets because of Christmas.

His mom was still asleep after getting in late from work the night before and he hadn’t managed to pull himself into the kitchen to start making breakfast. He’d pulled out the small plastic Christmas tree they kept in their place when he got home after his last day of school before break and managed to put it up, the mindless task letting him empty his head for a few minutes.

There were two boxes under the bent and crooked branches. Their gifts always bordered on practical. They didn’t have the money for anything extravagant and they learned early on they only really wanted things they had a use for rather than the meaningless trinkets that filled store windows during the shopping season.

Jason sighed and pushed himself away from the wall. He grabbed his hoodie from the back of his chair and slipped it over his head. He carefully moved into the kitchen, keeping an eye on his mom’s room to make sure he wasn’t waking her.

He pulled the milk from the fridge and filled a small saucepan. He left it to heat up as he put the jug away and grabbed the cocoa powder and the sugar from the cabinet.

Jason pulled the whisk from the jar on the counter and measured out the cocoa and sugar, slowly mixing it in the heating pot.

He heard a noise come from his mom’s room and sighed, hoping she would’ve had a bit longer to sleep in before she was roused and brought back to the land of the living.

Her door opened and she wasn’t quiet or subtle as she approached.

“Hot chocolate?” she asked, voice still rough from sleep.

“Yeah,” he murmured, watching the cocoa dissolve into the milk.

“Have you eaten breakfast yet?” she asked.

He shook his head. She moved around him and grabbed a pan to set on the stove next to him. She pulled two mugs from the cabinet and left them next to Jason for when their drinks were ready. She grabbed the carton of eggs and a bowl and began to crack eggs into it in preparation for scrambling.

She paused after closing the egg carton and reached across the counter for the small radio plugged into the wall. She turned it on and quickly changed channels before settling on a station playing Christmas music.

Jason smiled as she began to hum along and prepare their breakfast. He turned off the stove eye he was using and poured the hot chocolate into the two mugs.

Something still ached in the back of his chest and he tried not to dwell on any thoughts of Tim, but he was going to let himself have one day where he didn’t beat up on himself for thinking about him. He could worry about Tim and their crumbling relationship later. They might have the chance to fix things once their spring semester started, but right now he had some time with his mom on Christmas and he knew he wasn’t going to see her much for the rest of his break, so it wouldn’t do to be in a sour mood.

Jason hummed along to the radio under his breath and pulled a loaf of break from the cabinet, popping two slices into the toaster before he clinked his mug to his mom’s and they both took a sip.

Tim paused in front of the double doors to his school and took a deep breath. It was cold and snow was drifting down over his head, but he needed a moment before he faced the day ahead of him.

He was going to fix things with Jason. He didn’t care what Jason’s reaction was and if it turned out he still hated him, then knowing that was better than drifting in an abyss of uncertainty.

He hurried up the steps and pushed through the doors with the people around him. He shivered at the warmth that enveloped him, glad the school wasn’t being stingy with the heat considering the freezing temperatures outside. He studied the crowds around him, searching for Jason’s familiar profile.

Steph waved at him, trying to catch his attention. He waved her off and mouthed ‘later’ in her direction. She frowned, eyebrows drawing down in her confusion but nodded and let him move away.

Tim kept an eye on the hall as he stopped at his locker. He pulled it open and grabbed his books for his morning classes and shoving his winter coat inside before slamming it shut. He pushed up onto his toes to look over the heads of the crowds around him. He huffed when he didn’t catch sight of Jason and continued down the hall.

He didn’t know where Jason’s first class was, but he knew if he wandered around long enough he’d find him somewhere. Unless he was hiding out under some stairwell.

Tim shoved his way through a line of people and turned the next corner, eyes sweeping up and down the hall. He caught sight of a head of red hair and blinked, hurrying forward, thinking it might be Roy and where Roy was Jason was a step ahead.

He slowed when the student turned, and it was definitely not who he was looking for. Tim huffed and continued, turning down the next hallway where another row of lockers and classrooms were.

“Looking for someone?”

Tim jumped and whirled around, finding Jason had snuck up on him. He narrowed his eyes and looked him up and down.

“Where did you come from?” he accused.

Jason hiked his thumb over his shoulder at the door to the bathroom a few feet behind them.

“Oh,” Tim sighed and relaxed.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Jason said, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Were you looking for someone?”

Tim cleared his throat and shifted on his feet. “Yeah actually. I was looking for you.”

“Me?” Jason asked, brow furrowing. “Why?”

Tim sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Look, I don’t know if you feel the same way or what, but I really missed how well we got along when we were doing our history project. I liked being able to hang out with you and watch movies and I want to do that again. If you do, anyway…”

Jason stared at him for a minute, turning the words over in his head. He nodded and smiled. “Yeah, I’d…I’d really like that actually. I missed getting to spend time with you, too, and we still have a stack of movies to get through.”

Tim chuckled and felt his face flush with their proximity. “Movie day this Saturday?” he asked, biting his lip.

“And every Saturday after until we get through them?” Jason offered, voice small.

Tim nodded eagerly. “Yes. Yeah. That sounds good.”

Jason nodded. “Cool.”

They stared at each for a moment.

The bell rang over their heads and pulled them out of their daze.

“I uh, have to get to class,” Tim said, stepping around Jason to head back the way he’d come.

“Yeah,” Jason agreed, turning to face him. “Me too. I’ll see you in class, I guess?” he asked.

Tim nodded. He paused for a second longer, letting himself soak up Jason’s appearance before he turned and disappeared into the throng of students hurrying to their first class, the anxiety and unhappiness finally uncurling in his chest and letting him breathe a little easier.

Tim grinned as he rounded the corner to his history classroom. He stopped short when he saw Jason coming from the other direction. He was walking with Roy who had an arm around his shoulders.

Tim frowned, anger curling in his gut at the easy contact the two of them were able to share. He finally had their friendship back, but he was starting to realize that wasn’t enough. He wanted to be able to have such casual personal interactions with Jason like Roy did.

Actually, what he wanted was to be able to curl into Jason’s side and lean his head against his shoulder as they curled up in his bed and watched a movie. He wanted to play with Jason’s fingers and hold his hand. He wanted to see if Jason’s lips were as soft as they looked and wanted to run his fingers through Jason’s hair.

Tim ran a hand through his hair and shook his head, pushing the thoughts from his mind. He couldn’t think like that. Things were finally back to normal. He was going to be friends with Jason and the rest of the year was going to be great. He didn’t need anything else from him. He wouldn’t let himself linger and fixate on those kinds of things.

Not when it could easily destroy everything they’d just repaired.

Tim ducked his head and pushed through the door to Ms. Edwards’ classroom. He hurried over to his desk and slid into his seat, dropping his backpack on the floor. The board was empty of the usual questions they had at the beginning of class and Ms. Edwards was already standing behind her podium and smiling at the students in their seats.

Tim didn’t look up as the door opened but he saw a figure slide into the chair next to him out of his periphery.

“Hey,” Jason greeted, voice light and happy.

Tim glanced up, unable to stop the smile that pulled at his lips at seeing Jason next to him. “Hey,” he greeted, turning in his chair. “What’s up?”

Jason shrugged. “Not much. I’m ready to go home but I wish I wasn’t back to having homework to do.”

Tim chuckled, thinking about all the books he’d have to take home. “I know. I’m ready to ignore all of it instead and hope it just magically works out.”

“I don’t think that’s the best idea. But as long as you do the work for this class, I don’t really care,” Jason shot back with a grin.

Tim nodded slowly. “Of course.”

Jason sighed as he walked out of History. He couldn’t stop the happy smile that graced his lips. He was happy. He felt lighter than he had for weeks and winter wasn’t looking quite so gray as it had over break.

He had Tim back and he was going to get to hang out with him more often than he thought. He could even survive without the movie days they were already planning, satisfied with the light conversation they would share in class.

“What’s that look for?”

Jason rolled his eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“That smile,” Roy said, poking him in the cheek. “You look kind of dopey. What fairy godmother came and granted your wish?”

“No one, duh,” he shot back.

“Well I know it’s not school that has you looking like that so what happened. Spill all of your dirty secrets for me, Todd.”

Jason batted his hand away from his face. “It’s nothing.”

“Uh-huh,” he grumbled, not sounding like he believed him in the slightest. “I don’t believe you. This doesn’t have anything to do with why you were such a grouch over break, does it?”

Jason swallowed and looked away, eyes unconsciously searching the crowd of students in the hall.

“Okay, so it does. Now…who was the person that got your pants in a twist before break…” he said, sounding contemplative.

Jason’s eyes landed on Tim in the hall. He was standing next to Steph while she dug through her locker. Jason was on the verge of smiling at just seeing Tim, but when Steph placed a hand on his shoulder and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek his stomach dropped.

Jason’s jaw clenched, his teeth clacking together. Anger curled in his gut at the sight. Tim looked exasperated and swiped at his cheek to wipe away the lip gloss. It eased Jason’s anger slightly, but he still didn’t like that someone else could touch Tim the way he wanted to.

“I thought you hated Drake,” Roy said, grabbing his arm.

Jason froze and glared at him. “What?” he asked.

He waved at Tim. “Drake. I thought you hated him. I mean I know you had that whole project with him and everything, and you had to do some work together so he went over to your place, but…” Roy trailed off as his eyes widened.

Jason sighed, eyes sliding shut as Roy put all the pieces together.

“Dude, what the hell?” he asked. “When did that happen?”

“When did what happen?” Jason asked, bracing himself for the biggest shitstorm of all shitstorms.

“When did you start dating him?”

“What?” he asked, eyebrows furrowing.

“You and Drake. When did that happen?”

Jason opened his eyes. “Roy, we’re not dating.”

Roy frowned and glanced back at Tim. “Then why did you…” He paused and his eyes somehow got even larger. “Holy shit,” he breathed. “You’re not dating, but you want to be.” He made a face. “Great, now I have to deal with your lovesick, angsty ass over this whole thing. Please don’t do the whole emo teenager in love thing. I can’t handle any more of that with you.”

Jason rolled his eyes and tried to step around Roy, intent on getting to his last class without catching Tim’s attention while he was having this conversation.

“I’m not gonna do the whole emo teenager in love thing. And nothing’s going to happen between us. Tim doesn’t like me like that, and I think that’s something we can all agree on.”

“I dunno man. I think if you got over your hatred for him then he could, too. You already spend a ton of time outside of school with each other. And willingly I might add. None of us ever expected that to happen so I think anything’s possible at this point now.”

Jason sighed. He wished that was true, but he didn’t think it was possible. There was no way things could work out that well in his life. He didn’t get the happy fairy tale ending. Guys like him never did.

“Can you believe people are already planning things for prom?” Tim scoffed when he pushed through the door to Jason’s apartment for their weekly Saturday movie day. “Like, I don’t get what the big deal is. Prom isn’t that impressive and yet people are getting all worked up over getting tickets and finding dates when it’s still forever away.”

Jason snickered and shut the door behind them. “It’s not that far away. Just a couple of months. And I guess if you have to make limo reservations or whatever, you’re going to want to get that done as soon as possible.”

Tim huffed and threw himself onto Jason’s bed, staring at where their next movie was already set up. “I guess. I still don’t get why it’s so important. I mean yeah, I did go last year but it wasn’t that great so what’s so great about this year? It’s not going to be that different just because I’m a senior.”

Jason grinned and hit play on his computer before crawling onto the bed next to him. “Maybe other people are just more romantic than you and think that even if something was bad before that doesn’t mean it can’t get better with time.”

“I guess, but I still don’t really want to go.”

Jason shrugged and pulled his knees up to his chest, eyes focused on the screen. “Then don’t go. There’s no one saying you have to. I’m not going.”

“But I can’t not go,” he cried, running his hands through his hair.

“Okay, you’ve officially lost me,” Jason said, rolling his eyes. “You don’t want to go but you have to go. How is that even possible?”

“Because Steph wants to go, and she’ll stop at nothing to get me into a tux and a limo.”

“Ah so she’s the one who’s forcing you,” Jason muttered, trying to ignore the familiar souring in his gut whenever he saw Tim and Steph together.

“Yeah,” Tim huffed. “I don’t see why it matters that I’m coming along. She put together a huge group and will have plenty of other people to talk to. But, of course she won’t let me sit at home and eat oreos on the couch when an overpriced night that I’ll forget about ten years from now is the highlight of spring semester.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it,” Jason huffed, slouching back against the wall. “Pick out the restaurant or stick yourself next to the refreshment table. Are you even paying for your tux or the limo rental?”

Tim was silent before he bit out a soft, “No.”

Jason shrugged. “Then it doesn’t really matter that much. Enjoy it while you can, and you can duck out early if it really gets to you that much and you’re not having fun.”

Tim fiddled with the comforter spread over the bed under him. “Thanks, I guess. What about you? Are you going to be there? Wait…you answered that already. Sorry, stuck too far in my own head, I guess.”

Jason tightened his hold on his knees. “No, you’re right I won’t be there. I’ll probably just be hanging out here all night.”

“Why aren’t you going?” Tim asked, looking up at him.

Jason kept his gaze on the computer, not wanting to see Tim’s reaction to what he was going to say. “No one to go with is the biggest thing, I guess. And I can’t really afford to rent a tux. It’s kind of a frivolous expense and since money’s already pretty tight, I don’t want to ask for something like that.”

“I wish I could stay in and hang out with you,” Tim grumbled.

“If you ever work up the courage to say no to Steph, you can,” Jason said with a shrug, forcing his hopes to stay considerably low.

Tim grumbled in the back of his throat and curled onto his side, content to sag into the warmth of Jason’s blanket and let the hours slide away in the face of their movie marathon.

Tim tugged at the bowtie around his neck. It felt like just yesterday he was complaining to Jason about going to prom and now he was stuck in the constricting suit. Steph would undoubtedly criticize a handful of things about his appearance and the lack of effort he put into it.

His interest in prom had only seemed to wane as the semester continued and he dreaded the day as it slowly approached. He still wished that he could stay at home and curl up in bed or go over to Jason’s and watch movies with him.

He sighed and let go of his bowtie. He smoothed down his suit jacket and ran a hand over his hair to make sure none of the strands were out of place. The one thing he could be happy about was that instead of going to a fancy hotel like the year before, prom was being hosted at their school so he could make an escape at any time and he wouldn’t be too far from home.

The doorbell echoed down the hall and Tim sighed, shoulders slumping under the weight of what he was about to do. He trudged out of the bathroom and headed for the stairs.

“Tim!” Steph sang from where the butler had already let her in.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” he huffed.

He swung around the corner to the foyer and found Steph in all her purple glory. Her hair was curled and clipped at the side of her head and she wore large silver earrings and a resplendent necklace around her throat.

“Could you look any less happy?” she asked, rolling her eyes.

“I told you I didn’t want to go,” he grumbled, following her through the door and down the steps to where the limo was waiting in the drive.

“And I told you we had to go because it’s tradition and we can’t miss out on our last prom ever.”

“We went last year and, no offense, but this is more your thing than it is mine,” he said, sliding into the backseat. He nodded tightly at the other people who’d already been picked up, not as close with any of them as he was with his best friend.

“And what would you be doing if you weren’t going to prom?” Steph asked, voice high and sweet as she levelled him with a knowing look.

Tim flushed and shifted in his seat, not wanting to start their usual argument over Jason they’d been having as of late. It was bad enough Steph was accusing him of having feelings for Jason and he had to deny it at every turn, but it was almost worse that Tim was actively battling his crush and had been since January.

He wasn’t sure if he was happy or heartbroken that he wouldn’t have to be faced with Jason again once May rolled around and they walked across the stage to receive their diplomas. He didn’t want to part with him. As much as he’d hated him before, he couldn’t imagine not having him in his life now that they’d gotten the chance to bond over movies and homework and Jason had become someone he considered a friend.

Tim stared out the window as the limo wove through the streets in his neighborhood and turned towards the streets of Gotham. The others around him started talking and Tim tuned it out once their initial attempts at trying to draw him into their conversation failed.

He wondered what Jason was doing. He wondered if he’d made popcorn and which movie he was watching, if he was watching one at all. He might not have been in the mood to watch a movie and was reading a book instead. He hadn’t made much progress through the pile on his bedside table lately, more concerned with getting his assignments for his AP classes done and studying for the tests that would be coming the next week.

“Tim. Tim!”

He jolted and looked up, finding Steph standing with a hand on her hip in the limo door. Everyone else had already crawled out and were waiting for him. He flushed and hurried to step out of the limo.

Steph shut the door behind him and reminded the driver what time he’d need to be back to pick them up.

Tim trailed behind the group as they headed for the open gym doors. Balloons swayed in the nighttime air and music filtered out from the darkened interior.

They stepped inside, a few white strobe lights flashing over the dance floor. Softer, electric lamps lit up the refreshments table in the corner and the tables around the perimeter of the room.

Tim’s smile was tight as he took his picture and hurried inside, not caring if he left Steph and the others behind.

“Tim, what’s wrong with you?” Steph asked, catching his elbow.

He heaved a sigh, looking around the room. “Nothing, I just, wanted to get a drink is all.”

She stared at him, eyebrows furrowing but let his arm go as the rest of their group came up behind them. “Okay, if you’re sure. I think we’re going to head on out to the dance floor.”

Tim smiled and slipped away as she turned to talk to everyone else. He walked around the back of the table and filled a paper cup with punch. He tossed it back and swallowed, the sweet taste bursting to life over his tongue.

He sighed and crushed the cup in his hand, tossing it into the waiting garbage can. He spotted Steph moving through the crowd as she dipped her head to the beat of the music. Tim knew he’d be expected to dance to at least one song during the night but the thought of getting into the midst of the thrashing bodies was horrific and one he didn’t want to participate in.

Tim shuffled over to the corner, hoping the shadows would keep him concealed from Steph’s prying eyes. He tilted his head back, letting it hit the painted brick behind him. His heart was several streets away at Jason’s apartment. That’s where he wanted to be. That’s where he knew he could be happy.

He straightened spine snapping into place and he glanced at the dance floor again. Steph was completely consumed with the people around her and he knew he wouldn’t be missed as long as she was surrounded with people who cared as much about prom as she did.

Tim glanced at the gym doors and started for them, intent on leaving prom and all of this behind. He darted around people crossing the floor for drinks or the dance floor and fought his way through the wave of people that pushed through the double doors after getting their pictures taken.

“If you leave, there’s no reentry!” one of the volunteers called after him.

Tim waved his hand over his head and took off, sprinting across the parking lot for the sidewalk. The toes of his dress shoes nipped at his toes, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care, not when he finally had the chance to close the gaping distance that had been pulling at him for most of the night.

His suit jacket flapped against him as he ran and turned the corner. He barely noticed his labored breaths as he crossed the next street, barely making it across before the light changed and cars whizzed through the spot where he’d just been.

He charged down the sidewalk, darting around people who stared at him, no doubt worried that he’d lost his mind and would last out at the next person in his path. He practically sighed when he caught sight of Jason’s apartment building and jumped off the edge of the sidewalk, high-tailing it across the two lanes of traffic that ran in front of the building without a care in the world.

He shoved the broken gate open and took the stairs two at a time before he made it to the floor of Jason’s apartment. He swallowed and fought to catch his breath as he walked the last few feet to stand in front of his door.

Tim raised his hand, hesitating for only a moment before he knocked several times. He pressed his lips together to try and calm his breathing and waited, hoping he hadn’t misjudged everything between him and Jason. He heard the muffled sounds of someone moving around inside and Jason’s grumbling reached his ears as he approached the door.

It stopped when he no doubt glanced through the peephole and saw him standing there.

The lock clicked and the door was yanked open a second later, Jason staring at him with wide eyes as he braced a hand on the doorjamb.

“Tim?” he asked. “What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be at prom. Hell, you’re wearing a tux!” he cried, looking him up and down.

Tim smiled, trying to put Jason at ease even though he was still a little breathless. “I left.”

“You left?” Jason asked. He ran a hand through his hair, obviously trying to make sense of everything going on around him. “Jesus just…get in here,” he said, pulling Tim inside.

Tim stumbled slightly but righted himself quickly when Jason shut the door and locked it before turning to face him.

“Okay, explain,” he said. “Why did you leave prom?”

Tim shrugged, losing some of his earlier confidence but he knew he couldn’t beat around the bush. They’d been doing it for long enough and the end of the year was crawling closer with every day that passed. Tim was going to run out of time if he didn’t make a move soon and at least try to go after what he really wanted. And if he ruined it, then he wouldn’t have to see Jason ever again after graduation.

“I realized prom wasn’t where I wanted to be.”

“I know that,” Jason huffed. “You spent months complaining about having to go. But why are you here?”

Tim took a deep breath and squared his shoulders, trying to meet Jason’s eyes even in the face of possible rejection.

“This is where I wanted to be.”

“In my apartment?” Jason asked, making a face.

Tim huffed and rolled his eyes. “You know, for someone as smart as you, you can be really fucking stupid sometimes.”

“Just tell me what you mean!” Jason cried, running his hands through his hair.

“I wanted to be here with you,” Tim shot back.

Jason froze and stared at him, eyes wide.

Tim sighed, shoulders sagging. “I didn’t want to be at prom. I wanted to be spending time with you. Here or anywhere. I don’t really care as long as you’re there.”

“Tim, I-” Jason started and stopped before staring at him.

“I…like you,” Tim said, voice careful and steady. “I have for a while and I realized the only way I actually wanted to be at prom was if you were there with me. But if I’m being completely honest…if I had to choose between being with you at prom and being with you here so we could chill and watch movies, I’d definitely choose being here.”

Jason gaped, mouth moving as he tried to find something to say. “Okay,” he finally said, voice higher than normal. “Okay, so that’s a thing.”

Tim chuckled, his chest warming at seeing Jason flustered in front of him as he tried to process everything Tim just admitted. He shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heals.

“So…” Tim said, glancing around. “Not that I’m not happy to have finally told you that, but I wouldn’t mind you telling me if you feel the same? Because if not-”

“I do!” Jason said, waving his hands in front of him like he was afraid Tim was going to walk away. “God yes, I feel the same way. It was driving me insane because I thought you didn’t want to be anything more than friends and then when things were weird between us after our history project I thought-”

“I know,” Tim agreed, wincing at the memory. “That wasn’t a happy time. And winter break was awful because I didn’t get to see you and I didn’t get to talk to you. Everything sucked and I couldn’t wait to start school again if it meant getting to see you in class.”

“Me too. And I like you, too,” Jason said, cheeks turning pink. “I guess I should actually say that and not let us keep going around in circles but…yeah I like you, too.”

Tim grinned, feeling happier than he had in a long time. “I know this is kind of sudden but I already ran out of prom to come here do you think we could-”

“Movie marathon?” Jason asked hopefully.

Tim nodded.

“I’ve already made popcorn,” Jason said, stepping past him.

“Wait,” Tim said, catching his elbow.

Jason frowned and looked down at the hand on his arm before giving Tim a questioning look. “What is it?”

“Do you mind if I…” Tim trailed off and sucked in a breath before he rocked up onto his toes and pressed his lips to Jason’s cheek in a quick kiss. He wanted to go for the lips, but he wasn’t sure where Jason’s boundaries were since things were all kind of new between them.

Jason pressed his lips together, trying to hide the pleased smile that pulled at his lips.

“Come on,” he muttered, tugging Tim down the hall to his room.

Jason started the movie that was paused on his computer and made himself comfortable on the bed, moving the bowl of popcorn around to keep it from spilling.

Tim bent over and unlaced his dress shoes before pushing them off. He slid his jacket from his shoulders and draped it over the back of Jason’s desk chair. He yanked off is bowtie and breathed a sigh, happy to be free of the constricting material.

He crawled onto the bed next to Jason and pressed their shoulders together. Jason glanced at him and met his gaze, smile small and personal and sweet. He shifted towards Tim and reached for him before hesitating.

“Can I…” Jason asked.

Tim nodded and waited a beat as Jason’s hand came to rest on his cheek. They gazed into each other’s eyes, the movie playing in the background as they gave it none of their attention.

Jason ducked his head and pressed their lips together. Tim sighed and wrapped his arm around Jason’s shoulders, sliding closer. Jason tilted his head forward, searching for more contact.

Warmth spread in Tim’s chest and he was happy to spend the rest of the night, and even wishing he could have spent the next day, curled up with Jason and getting to know him in all the ways he hadn’t gotten to yet.

“You look amazing,” Jason whispered, staring into Tim’s shining blue eyes.

“So do you,” Tim agreed, grin crooked as they slowly turned in the middle of the dance floor.

Moonlight cascaded through the skylight over their head now that the lights had been dimmed and candles flickered on the tables surrounding the dance floor.

“Can you believe we’re finally here?” Jason asked, glancing around at the tables around them.

“I know,” Tim sighed. He pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes, trusting Jason to guide him around the floor. He wouldn’t let him fall. He’d never let him fall. Or he’d catch him if he went. “We’ve been planning this for so long and now it’s finally here.”

Tim tightened his hand on Jason’s shoulder, the cooler temperature of the band around his finger pressing into his skin. Jason pulled him closer, flattening his palm on Tim’s lower back.

“And to think so many things could’ve gone differently, and we might not have made it here at all,” Jason whispered.

Tim chuckled and pulled back, grin nearly hurting his cheeks. He glanced around and saw other couples had begun to join them as they danced.

“Ms. Edwards?” Tim asked.

Jason bit his lip, trying to fight down his own grin. “Exactly what I was thinking,” he agreed with a low laugh that made warmth curl in Tim’s stomach whenever he made Jason laugh.

“It’s been eight years since we’ve had her, but none of this would’ve happened without her.”

Jason’s brow furrowed. “It’s kind of scary that she was able to see so much potential between us. Especially when we hated each other’s guts.”

Tim shrugged. “Yeah but someone had to kick some sense into us. And finding even ground was easier through schoolwork than if we’d been forced together for something else. We wouldn’t have stayed in the same room long enough to talk if it wasn’t a requirement.”

“And now I can’t imagine anything better than being stuck with you.”

Tim pulled his hand free from Jason’s and wrapped his arms around Jason’s shoulders. He pulled him down for a kiss, one of the first they’d gotten to share as they started the rest of their shared lives together.

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#jaytim #molim writes #high school au #enemies to friends to lovers

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