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#in the types of friends they have to me. its all just a matter of different actions/feelings one has towards someone in their life
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Fossil Ingo meets a new friend.
Writing + bonus art beneath the cut:
Little Pearl
TWs: Mentions of Former Death/Revival ~1200 Words (4-5 minutes)
Amidst the chaos of all the other events his Sinnoh "vacation" has thrown at him, Emmet receives a call.
The mines where Ingo was initially 'recovered' had been sectioned off since the day he sat up on the table. (Not that Emmet had any intention of going back.) The archeologists and historians of the region were concerned there may be a burial site nearby or some other location of cultural significance and so mining in that area was closed off. However, they've found something else important while they were excavating the site. Very near to where the rock was first disturbed, they uncovered a fossil- a proper fossil this time. A dome fossil.
No one has been able to confirm it yet, however, because of its proximity to where Ingo's remains had been unearthed... It's very likely that this Kabuto is the one he now shares DNA with.
Emmet brings Ingo with him to the Oreburgh museum- Although, it is more like Ingo is dragging him along for the ride. He is far more enthusiastic about this than Emmet is- In fact, he'd really like to be anywhere else. He would really like to go home, but they can't do that until they find a safe and comfortable way to help Ingo travel long distances. And also, he needs to wait for the investigation on him to close. Preferably with an innocent verdict. Which is probably the more pressing matter of the two.
They're allowed to take a look at the fossil before its revival. Without a doubt, and with proper steps taken to verify this time, this is a Dome fossil. There are a few pearls, likely the same from Ingo's burial, that have become embedded in the surface of the rock around it. A familiar thought crosses his mind. This could be verrry special. Even the minor influence caused by the rare mineral could potentially shape this pokemon's future- Ingo had been changed just because of the spare stuff that happened to be in the earth with him.
The wait in the lobby is excruciatingly long, for Ingo. Emmet can tell he would be pacing if he were any younger; his spines are constantly twitching, betraying some kind of emotion that Emmet hasn't puzzled out yet. The correct answer is Excitement. Ingo is positively thrilled at the prospect of getting to meet the pokemon with which his fate has intertwined.
Moreover, he can raise it himself! They can start this new life together, two strange beings out of place in this time, no one else quite like they are. Ingo isn't alone anymore, not with Emmet by his side. This little pokemon won't need to be alone either. Never has the prospect of a fresh start sounded more bright.
The moment the scientist returns from the back to give them the good news, Ingo lifts himself to his feet. He'd like to be the first to welcome back this new life. He turns the corner to find a little rock-type on a nearby countertop. It's barely been moved from the machine that restored it, frozen stiff. If it was any more still, Ingo would mistake it for the rock it use to be minutes before.
The various kind folks in charge of the operation give him a bit of space to approach the little pokemon, coming closer at a gentle pace to keep the tension low. Joints bidding, he kneels down at the counter to reduce his height as a factor. Up close, he can see it trembling oh-so-slightly.
"Welcome back, little one... How do you feel..?" He keeps his hands on his knees, only observing as it subtly shrinks back before poking forward again curiously. He can just barely see the tips of its claws peeking from under its shell. He chuckles softly, turning to the kind folks nearby. "Remind me, what did you say was the name of this species?" "Kabuto, the Shellfish Pokemon." Respecting his careful handling of the situation, they answer quietly.
"Thank you very much." He returns his attention to the Kabuto, who has slowly inched closer to him on the table. There are pearls encrusted along its shell, reflecting the afternoon light brilliantly. It's claws are less hidden now, revealing a gorgeous iridescent luster.
"I imagine you are quite confused... Perhaps, overwhelmed." "However, you need not fear," Ingo's knees protest as he picks himself back up again, bending to keep himself lower than his full height. He offers a grateful whisper to Mighty Sinnoh for whatever was done to him having eased a lot of the aches that came with his age.
Softly and slowly, he sets his rougher, rockier left hand on the table a few inches away from his shelled friend, letting it lay loosely on the smooth countertop. "You see, little one... Our lives are quite interconnected." He smiles as it curiously shuffles forward to investigate. "Our chance encounter through an accident of unlikely proportions has tied us together. I was returned to life, just as you have been."
It pokes a claw at his hand, and he slowly picks up his fingers to offer forward. "Through whatever happenstance caused us to share the earth between us, through however the burial rights of my clan have affected the fabric of your being, regardless... Our cabs now share many traits, you and I."
"I feel a closeness to you, silly though it may sound." The Kabuto repeatedly taps its pearlescent claw against his thumb in quick succession, as though swatting him away. It doesn't hurt even slightly.
"I will keep you safe. We can explore this grand world together, no matter what changes may await us." "...Would you like to join me on this new frontier?"
It taps its shell against the tough exterior of his hand a few times, continuing to poke around at anything that appears to catch its attention.
After a minute or so, Ingo can feel positively itty pin-pricks over his skin as it uses its hooked claws to crawl over his hand. He can't help but laugh, rewarding its curiosity and trust by bringing his less armored hand to pet it softly. "Excellent!" It seems ticklish around its underbelly, he notes with delight as he scratches the edges its shell. "I look forward to exploring the new tracks ahead of us! I'd best study up on how to use these merits of yours, especially now that I have one to teach... Or perhaps I've gained a teacher?"
He reflects on the journey ahead of him and the life he left behind as he views the world through the reflection of the largest pearl along its spine. The sensation of its claws along his hand is the same as that from the darling kits of his Lady. The pearls were bestowed to him in his passing, a demonstration of the pride and honor felt by his clan for his service as her warden. The lives of many loved ones have been closed to him, now, but the lives of those he had forgotten have opened to him once again.
He will draw comfort from the past, and bring their strength ever onward into the future. An easy smile graces his lips as he lifts his new partner higher, supporting it firmly but with great care. Mirth fills his old soul under the gaze of four beady eyes. In his renewed beating heart, compassion burns warmer than the sun.
"...I cannot wait to grow alongside you, Little Pearl."
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Fossil AU Masterpost
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loveless-arobee · 13 hours
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My main gripe with the posts that are like "love is love includes platonic/familial/queerplatonic/etc. love" is ofc that they still fully ignore and exclude loveless people.
But what is also quite noticeable is that they also never mention sexual love. Because, it seems, in one stance about love (beside the "everybody loves"), a lot of aspecs still agree with society: that sexual love either just straight-up doesn’t exist, or that it’s inherently bad and abusive (that loving someone sexually without romance is abuse, "only using them for sex" etc.)
And on the other hand you also have aspecs acting like, on a societal level, sexual love is seen as equal to romantic love (with phrasing such as "love that isn’t romantic or sexual is devalued by society"), as if romanceless sexual love isn’t seen as basically the worst thing ever.
While I don’t experience love per se, the only type of love I can relate to even remotely is specifically sexual love. I care a lot for people I’m sexually attracted to, and sex is very important to me overall. And let me tell you, me expressing interest in a purely sexual relationship, no matter if I’d label my feelings as love or anything similar, are not ever treated any better than friendships or platonic relationships are.
I’m demonised to hell and back from queer people and non-queer allies and queerphobes all the same for my feelings and opinions on sex. Sex is seen as something that should only happen in very specific situations, and only then is it "good"; any other type of sex is "bad"; it’s just the definition that varies slightly between those groups—and I fit none of their definitions for "good" sex. No one sees sexual love without romance as a positive thing, least of all something equal to romance. (And especially not sexual intimacy and closeness without love and romance (or friendship, in slightly more progressive views, but that’s rare tbh))
Its just very noticeable that the majority of queer people, and between those especially aspecs because they do talk about non-romantic love the most, still don’t see sexual love as something that could just exist. It’s very noticeable when there’s hundreds of posts broadening the definition of love to include literally everything but specifically sexual love. Endless lists about what love is in non-romantic ways, and it’s glaringly obvious that people just do not believe anyone could care for someone they "just" want to fuck, "just" have a sexual relationship with, without wanting to be labelled as friends or anything similar even when they do things other see as friendship because they cannot grasp that people can care for their sexual partners even without having feelings for them that aren’t sexual.
Just still seems very sex-negative to limit sex to be something that either happens between people in a different kind of relationship (usually romantic, but again, some do agree you can have sex with friends, too), or something emotionless between strangers who then never interact with each other again (which is also most of the time treated as a bad thing which should stop).
Point is: Maybe question why you exclude sexual love specifically from your post about non-romantic love. (And at the same time, also stop acting like every person must experience some type of love)
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I love adamsapple, like it's probably my favorite ship. Which is saying a lot because I have so many- but we're not here to talk about my shame.
I'd love to see more fanfics or rps touch on how Lucifer leaving Adam behind in Eden and taking Lilith with him, and eventually Eve, would have affected Adam.
Like, that's fucked up! And even though we don't know when Lucifer got with Eve, but let's say it was when he offered her the apple.
You just know Adam was reeling after Lucifer and Lilith got together. I like to think that Adam and Lucifer were best friends, or at least, Adam had a crush on Lucifer. He was technically a baby, even though he was born an adult, I like to think he had a child-like mind. All innocent and curious. Just, new.
I couldn't imagine having limited conciseness, basically under the control of Heaven and putting your trust in someone who then just crushes that and you're heart. Adam was probably being emotionally manipulated, I could only imagine the type of shit the angels would tell me. Telling him how to act, how he needs to love Lilith and create more humans.
This part goes for both Lilith, Adam and Eve; how could Heaven expect basically adult-baby humans to raise new humans effectively?
Back to Adam. The amount of pressure he would have been under because he was the man, he was made to be the protector and provider. But how was he ment to do that when not even Heaven told him how?
Lilith wouldn't listen to him, he probably spoke many times about what Heaven was saying- and she more than likely dismissed him or took that as Adam trying as him trying to control her. Which, yeah sure, maybe. But he wasn't controlling in the way we see controlling behavior now.
He was scared. She wasn't listening, and Lucifer was no help because he's Lucifer.
I like to think Lucifer was the only person Adam actually formed a bond with. Their personalities just meshed so well. To have the only person that understands you start dismissing you, spending more time with your wife- without you and then abandons you because you don't think the same as them? Then seeing them under the forbidden tree, doing whatever they were doing (lets say they were fucking). And you just know Lilith said some Absolutely ruthless shit to Adam. Thats absolutely brutal. That would fuck anybody up, but being a few weeks/months old? With Heaving drilling constant fear into you? Realizing you failed at your one job? The only person you ever connected with leaving you for someone you were made for?
People always say Lilith was made for Adam, but Adam was made for Lilith. He lost that part of himself.
Then, to have a bone taken out of your body, which was probably non consensual. Then there's a new, random woman there? And then the fucking pressure from Heaven is 10× worse than before because you failed your wife?
I don't think he would have been able to form a bond with Eve because of how terrified he was. I've been in situations where I was shit scared of a certain person coming to my house, into my home, and i was constantly on edge, trying to see if that random person is actually them, or making sure no one is waiting for me to get home. Its just pure paranoia. He was constantly looking for Lucifer, trying to make sure he didn't get to Eve, because of how much he hurt Adam, he basically damned Adam in the eyes of Heaven.
He would have experienced new emotions, without having to bite the apple. In a way he could have been the first person to feel hate, anger, self hatred, paranoia, anxiety and depression. Imagine having no answers to how you're feeling? Even worse, it doesn't fucking matter because all you're good for is breeding and protection, both of which you've failed at.
THEN that fucker you've been paranoid about gets to your new partner. Seeing Eve under the same tree with Lucifer and Lilith- then realizing they didn't even try to convince you to eat the apple because you were a lost cause? You're on Heavens side? Which wasn't the case- Adam was petrified of them!
So he was bad for Heaven, and he was bad for the people who hurt him. So what was he good for? So far, nothing.
I'm sure he would have loved his kids, but I think he would have resented them in some way. They were all he was made for, nothing else, not to live, not to experience, not to grow.
I think Adam wouldn't have bitten the apple, not by choice anyway. Either he was terrified of being left along again, and he wanted what Lucifer, Lilith and Eve had, maybe then he'll understand them. Surprise, he didn't. He hated free will. There was somehow more pressure on him to make decisions that not only benefitted Eve but now also his kids.
And Lucifer was mad that Adam bit the apple for Eve. Why for her but not me? He was immature so of course Lucifer would be selfish about this and not see how much taking the apple destroyed Adam.
I love Adam and Lucifer as a couple, but I know it wouldn't be canon, as much as they would be such a sweet relationship, I know Lucifer has hurt Adam way too much. Who knows what went on in those meetings before Lilith left. But I bet they would have been complete assholes to Adam, especially Lucifer, Lilith would have been a fucking cutthroat. And as much as her words would hurt Adam, it would be seeing Lucifers hate for him that would tear him down and break his heart all over again. In. Each. And. Every. Meeting.
Lucifer maybe a victim in the sense that all he did was fall in love. But other than that, he's just reaching. He's not a victim. "Oh but Adam slaughtered my people!", you let him, you let an army into Hell, you signed the contract, you never cared for sinners, in fact you probably hated them. And for what? Following in your footsteps- basically going against all the Heaven stands for. "He tried to control Lilith!", did you see him? Or did you forget what Heaven and the Angels were like?
I feel like if Adam fell, it would so long for them to get back to being friends again, or to a place where they could stand to be in the same room as each other.
Adam deserves so much love, not from a partner made from him or for him, not from the angels. But just from someone that sees him as Adam, and not the first man. I know he's made that as his whole personality, but I think he hates being the first man. Time and time again he would have been introduced as the first man, not as Adam. Him being made was all that mattered. Everything on earth was glorified, no one knew the shit he went through in Eden. The angels wouldn't understand and there was no way in hell we was going to open up to a random winner for them to eventually leave him.
Adam is such a heartbreaking character that I think a lot of Hazbin fans just gloss over. He was portrayed as a one time villian- and not even a villian, he was just a pawn of Heaven.
He's such a funny character, but I'd love to see more of him, to see who Adam actually is. Not the dickmaster or the first man, but just Adam.
Lucifer and Adam would have such a funny friendship if they sorted shit out, I can fucking see it. Who cares about some weird rivalry Alastor and Lucifer have- I want to see some fucking banter between Adam and Lucifer. Them just being a menace, could you imagine the type of shit they'd get up to in Hell?
Adam finally being able to get to know himself for the first time ever, and getting to know this new Lucifer- who has now gone through heartbreak because of Lilith. Fuck. Give me two dad's, on the roof, sharing a beer having a good ol bitching session. And about anything!
That's my rant done, I could go on lo ger but I need to actually become a functioning adult.
Okay- bye!
HOLY SHIT!!
That was a lot but I completely agree with you on all of that Adam really got the shit end of the stick in the beginning.
No wonder he became an asshole, everyone he ever tried to get close to just hurt him over and over again.
And yes I would love for Adam to come back and him and Lucifer to sort out their shit and be friends again because how fucking cool would that be?
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nomairuins · 27 days
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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19871997 · 4 months
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#prefacing this w ik in fanfiction they're all just our little barbie dolls we're making kiss and it doesnt matter whatsoever but like Do you#understand how much love and respect and loyalty there is between connor and leon irl#like in connors nhlpa ama he immediately no question said that leon's the nhler who knows him best + that he's spent his entire professiona#career w him. whenever leon's asked what he thinks of connor the first sentance out his mouth is 'you [the media] know. he knows' and then#he carries on talking about how he's the best player in the world + connor never hesitates to return the sentiment#and between the two of them it's not sentiments they sau it like its fact bc it is#and their whole 'cup or bust' thing every analyst and their mother have taken it as a 'they're going to win in edmonton or not at all' in t#e sense that they want to stay in edmonton n stay together <- like not even in an insane person edmonton polycule type of way in the they'r#the best players in the world and have insane chemistry on the ice and are eachother's best friends type of way#like a reason why their pp is so lethal is bc those two on a line + the other team down yeah ofc thats going to be automatic#and leon saying that their best beats anyone else's best no doubt and connor talking about building the team from the ground up like leon w#s there when they got boo'd off the ice in 2014 he was a part of building the team that's thier damn team and in turn the sheer amount of#respect the rest of the team have for them and they have for the rest of the team and the trust that while they're the best players they#don't have to play for all of them n that's part of thier whole like. our fourth line stands up to any other first line rock solid belief#like and ofc thier on ice hugs and lockerroom hugs and that moment in the sportsnet knee injury doc and how they mention that they're best#friends whenever theyre asked and how their gf's are also best friends and also their damn dogs#NOT TO MENTION. he's my ride or die. im really lucky our paths crossed here in edmonton. as a friend it was really tough to watch that#<- leon's insane 2022 playoff run on a broken ankle#and the way leon's been dubbed the german gretzky and connor's been the next next one since he was 15 and the way they have such a solid#control of the lockerroom together and i dont know if they've ever said conflicting things to the media and how they've said that they push#eachother to be better (connor saying that leon told him to score more)#and their little taps throughout their season and bringing back their team from the dead and leon being the one to make connor laugh in#pressers and on the bench#ALL TO SAY. like i am a mc.matt.drai enjoyer in the threesome/winners room/asg/2997 are actually quite abnormal about eachother and matthew#has never been normal about anything in his life and this might be fun. kinda way#but 2997 are soulbonded in ways quite possibly none of us will ever be able to truly understand#<- also i do mean this genuinely like they're not normal people but both of them are not normal#SORRY FOR RAMBLING. i just wish there was better written fanfiction.#<- wish to be the change you see in the world innit tho#so funny to me how the eh is just canadian innit.
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iiboronii · 2 months
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I'M BACK
#SORRY FOR ABANDONING YOU ALL#I GOT SOOOO ENGROSSED IN MYSTIC MESSENGER THAT I JUST. WELL.#DID NOT LOG IN#and also i decided to stop being chronically online for a little while bc well. i needed it.#i had to start going on walks again and everything#but like. that's all besides the point#beside the point? idk lol#sorry for deserting you all#i feel bad about it bc its just radio silence from me for however long#and you can make the argument that it doesn't really matter bc it's just tumblr.com#but like. i have friends on here LMFAO#sorry for not communicating at all i'm still here#i was pacing around in the backyard yesterday (as i often do) and i had a moment of clarity or something LOL#well not really clarity but for awhile i've just been like “i don't want to think about the onceler. i am playing otome games.”#“lets let someone else do the storytelling for awhile” basically#bc even though it's onceler theorist summer i sometimes simply do not want to do complex thinking#and also i was soooo obsessed with a different capitalist#RECENTLY I REALIZED THAT MY FICTIONAL TYPE IS DARK HAIRED COLD HEARTED CAPITALISTS. WHAT THE FUCK.#like. it all started with kyoya ootori huh?#and then victor#and then the onceler#and then jumin han#and it's like. huh. in real life this is not my type at ALL.#anyways welcome me back i'm back on my bullshit i'm sorry if i scared any of you#i'm back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D#oh but also i should probably warn you that when i get back to campus in late august you will probably not hear from me#for like. long stretches of time bc i'll be out doing college things (studying all night)#my love for you all is not any less when i'm not logged in okay that's all ily bye i'm gonna look at what's happening in my activity!!!!!!!#artic and moonmel get priority though sorry if anyone else is in there
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toastsnaffler · 2 months
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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fridayiminlcve · 2 years
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if i dont move to nyc or london or paris by age 27 what is the point of anything
#i looooove my city so much you guys like if i wasnt who i am (queer) rn i would be so fucking glad that i am in my current city but#i loooove art and history and fashion and stuff and this citymight be about second best for all that but its still soo crowded#people WILL judge no matter what you wear something cutesy and people dont shut up especially when ur 16 and tagging along with your mom to#the mall or something and everyone just stares and even among your classmates ive been complimented so many times#for my unique style or whatever (aka i have beaded shoelaces and wear lots of jewelery and absurd ass eyeliner) and theyre like oh#n******** is so fancy itni stylish bandi hai woh and its so attention grabbing but i dont want it to be a big deal !!!#i want to like 20 badges and wear insane makeup and dye my hair without calling much attention to myself!!!#of course i know that will change slowly as you go in to uni and meet ppl of your type instead of a bazaar market and youll pick ur own#friends who r like minded but considering this is india how many people can you truly find.#also my next two years are going to be spent in a college for jee and neet kids#you can wear what you want theres no dress code but you have to appear serious studious and simple if you want to be taken seriously#elle woods at harvard law type#i asked my mom to get an industrial & second lobe piercing and actual dyed hair and shes like turn twenty get into a good college then do#not bc she minds she allowed me to get my hair dyed at age 13 but to go in th college im going to there is SO SO much rigour#and if you dont show yourself as professional and shit they will keep you in lower effort self study classes instead of best of the best#i KNOW how difficult moving abroad is bc my family does not have that money i need to do it myself its so so expensive bc the money#itself has such a high value compared to here (you see americans cribbing abt 30$ hourly wage but here that is 2500inr)#2500 inr is as much as an expensive pair of jeans here. expensive clothes here r 30$ and in usa its 300$ . see the diffence#im changing topics so much but sometimes i do feel this place is suffocating#its a priviledge i have that i can even think about going abroad comapred to other indians but still#dp you get what i mean#and ik movies and all are very romanticised so it might not even be this way in western cities and just an idealisation but still#if things change around here then the entire question of going anywhere is out the window anyway#smalltown boy will byers moment#dni if you read all this and plan on replying unless ur a close mutual (close mutuals u know who u are)#also if someone says why would you want to go to usa uk paris when they colonised your country shut up <3 shut up very much <3
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makerscockandballs · 3 months
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guy who is widely known for always having broken technology: man I hope I don't break this piece of technology
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vamptastic · 2 years
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it's just like. okay. when i say i like men in a gay way and women in a lesbian way i don't mean that i think straight attraction is icky or my attraction is somehow more enlightened and progressive. i mean that I've spent the formative years of my sexuality in a place with my gender presentation where people are equally as likely to see me as a man or a woman and often seem to think of me as both, and i cannot separate both my attraction to men or to women from that. ive always felt drawn to butchness because its this concept that your love for the same gender shapes your gender presentation and vice versa, but it's specific to womanhood and attraction to women as a woman in a way i can't entirely relate to. like, in many ways i am both a man and a woman, and i am attracted to both men and woman in a way both shaped by and reflected by that fact.
#there's not really a clear label for that is there#i suppose i don't need one it's just to have that cos you can find similar people#i suppose bisexual as a gender is the closest i can get#like both sexes and also attracted to both sexes and those two things each are linked to and affected by the other#i don't know. i expect my feelings on this will change as i transition and people start to really see me as a man#and not the in-between ive been in since puberty (thank you pcos combined with massive badonkahonkawonkadonks)#it's just sort of frustrating to feel like nobody gets it#like lesbians are into me cos they think im butch#a specific type of man-autistic nerds (affectionate)-seem to just see me as a regular ol woman#and when confronted with the reality that i am not seem to not really care either way about my gender#other trans people are into me and they do generally get it but not always#and gay guys are into me sometimes but i don't really pass consistently enough for it to happen often#like im not actively seeking a partner n i don't both passing day to day cos everyone knows im trans already#n binding is a living hell when you're fat with a fucking. idk the size like E or F probably. cup size.#so mostly ppl approach me thinking im butch but occasionally ppl think im a guy in photos i post and such or#strangers will ask my friends abt me thinking im a guy#but like generally speaking no matter what i don't get to just be A Man. and i don't know if i really want to be! i like being trans#and it sucks because ive missed out entirely on dating in middle/high school like when you find out who you like#simply for being trans. ik most queer ppl end up doing it all in college its just frustrating yk. cos all my cis friends get to do it#realistically speaking im p much just t4t i really only have actually tried to date trans people + trans people are hotter + they get it#which im fine with. i love trans people . just sucks to be excluded sometimes even when u don't want in
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this-should-do · 8 months
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ykno i think that only ever being told im physically appealing by drs saying i could be prettier if i did this or that or lost weight or by my mom trying to emphasize how im a pretty GIRL to invalidate my desire to be more masculine most of my life probably affected my ability to feel good about my body
#like genuinely i have not been complimented on my looks for a majority of my life by peers#like ive had friends recently like say im slaying or looking good but like in the face kf yhings it doesnt like do anything i guess like#its what friends do#i had a person j used to be friends comlliment me once about me looking hot and sexy and i started feeling nauseus so i dont know what thats#all about so its like would i even want people tk ckmpliment on looking good? do j need that? how does it work why would i need it#when i dont really desire the types of relationships where being attractive matters#if im in my ideal state of mind i dont even register my body its seperate from me and im just my thoughts so i dktn have to think about#my ohysicality but when i have to register myself i just feel ugly but even more it all just feels wrong to have a body at all and thats#prob where the transness comes in tbh#like i dunno is it better for me to have avoided being told over and over that im worthy becuz im attractice as a woman or is that a symptom#kf me just being ugly that nobody ever commented on my body aside from adults daying how cute and ptetty i am and then my mom telling them#that im actually really smart to help me value my mind over my body becuz she grew up being ugly while also thinking shes stupid#like#like all of this to result in me being ugly no matter what way i cut it and i cant even bring myself to care much about it most of them time#even tho it feels mishapen in my mind as a feeling#its like bad and i look at myself in the mirror and i feel bad i look bad my face is wrong and its like the strongest feeling i feel some#days for those brief seconds i see myself and then j look away and it goes away and im back to having normal bland brain waves#its kinda fucked
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bl00dw1tch · 1 year
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the way i have absolutely no business being the way i am
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#horse.txt#vent //#sort of. too high to be sad abt it im in anthropology mode and listening to music that makes me feel sexy so its fine yk#anyway i typed a whole bunch of other tags talking abt how and why i feel this way by going through a few of the events i can remember#from my childhood that Might explain why im so emotionally guarded and struggle to open up anymore.#bc i Wanted to say they all felt dumb and juvenile esp since ive actually like#made peace with most of the ppl who were involved with them#but the Anthropology mode was just tearing it all down as i typed it bc that Is just a ridiculous way to look at it no matter how you cut it#doesn't matter that nobody involved really Meant to deal that kind of harm and i dont need to hate or blame anyone in order to acknowledge#that it still just Happened. like thats a Memory already babe no do overs.#which is kind of just accidental therapy so sick. love that fir me genuinely!#but also yes theres the bitch part of me that still wants to discredit it bc acknowledging that it happened =/= Fixing My Issues#so im still at square one technically. ive just been pacing in circles on it for a while ig#EVEN WORSE that the Scale of my issues is so incredibly mundane compared to so many of the people i seem to meet.#sitting in bed crying abt not having friends for a few days in elementary school when other ppl have jojos bizarre adventure levels of Lore#i know im not technically invalid for feeling the way i do or anything but god. if it doesn't feel fucking Embarrassing to open up about😭#its impossible NOT to feel stupid and sensitive for having these first world ass problems. And letting them hold me back#bc ppl not liking me for any reason makes me sooooooooo fucking scared So fucking scared its not even funny 😝#at least. ppl in my Circles. im pretty ok about being assertive with randos#still some work to be done on it but its better than whatevers going on with my personal relationships rn#sincerely to my mutuals and loved ones who see this i swear to GOD i love you so so so fucking much and im so. im trying to figure out this#the stuff thats got me so distant and bad at keeping in touch. its a whole slew of feelings about how i see Myself--not yall#i double pinky promise cross my heart im extremely serious#thank you for being patient with me you mean more to me than im capable of putting into words right now#alright theres a shot of tears in the hollow of my collar bone time to wrap up this post#daily reminder that i love body hair. there's some honesty.#😎😎😎💪💪💪#the Quaritch under the cut is just to make me feel better bc i love him and i think hes so pretty. hes like a security blanket
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aynut · 10 months
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COMFORTING A PERSON FOR DUMMIES
#CLICKBAIT🫵🫵🫵🫵🫵🫵#god its just. how do you comfort a friend who got their really favourite Thing partially destroyed without overstepping boundaries or#being weird about it#this Thing was damaged by a classmate she barely knew and didn't even let them borrow it (fuck that bitch)#like. i dont blame her honestly and i dont think theyr overreacting because that Thing was really important to her#and i know that these types of incidents can kinda put you in a bad mood or have a mental breakdown since *i* also went through this#but the only thing i did was cry then eat then sleep#i was given space and it was fine with me#but everyones different. and that comfort i was given will not have the same impact towards other people#unfortunately i do not know the other methods#like i try to give them space just let them cry and all that but what im really worried about is that#I DONT TALK. I JUST STAY BESIDE THEM.#AND I FEEL LIKE IT'S GIVING 'JUST BE HAPPY ALREADY'#'IT DOESNT MATTER. STOP CRYING AND BE NORMAL'#ghrhgrhhhrhrhjrhhruhhghrhhhrgfhr whay#how do yall do it???????#imalso kinda nervous bc what if i mess up?what if i say smthn weird?but if i ignore her wont that kinda giving i dont care abt her feelings?#and NOW SHES KINDA IN A BAD MOOD AND CHATTED SOMETHING IN A GC AND I LEFT HER ON READ#AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHH SHES MAD#I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS. SHES MAD NOW. I KNOW ITS NOT ABT ME BUT IT MAKES ME GUILTY-#SOMEHOW??????????#LEAVING SOMEONE ON READ *ESPECIALLY* WHEN THAT SOMEONE IS MAD WONT THAT KINDA GIVE I DONT CARE ABT THAT???????????????#i hope shes doing okay. i hope she was able to let out some feelings and was able to get the comfort she needs.#aynut
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theloveinc · 1 year
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What's wrong with your roommates?
They are just… like. Beyond co-dependent, and both kind of…. Had different life experiences than me which make some of their behaviors super odd in my opinion.
One grew up with money and the other like… idek know how to describe what her problem is but… either they’re talking my ear off and not giving a shit abt how I feel OR they’re arguing with me. And it’s frustrating.
Like I’ve spent the entire weekend inside because 1. One of them wants us to spend the entire weekend celebrating her fucking birthday with her and the other’s sister is visiting and is / was really excited for us to hang out with her. I’m going CRAZY.
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shimzus · 2 years
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【直接的性格】        BLUNTNESS AND DIRECTNESS
kiyoko is one of the more blunt characters in haikyuu , evident by the way she refuses second-year tanaka’s proposal , humbles the third years during their shrine visit by informing them that a prayer to the gods won’t grant them a victory at nationals , explains to sugawara that she has no intentions of marrying him when she tries to steady his hands with her own , and constantly rebukes tanaka and nishinoya’s outlandish requests to be spanked/scolded. 
this blunt character is unique , not only as a character trope , but also in cultural context. directness is viewed as a negative attribute in japan since it can be conceived as abrasive and self-centered—— and it’s especially considered a negative trait for women. in a lot of ways , japan is still conservative about femininity , and women’s behavior is certainly not exempt from scrutiny. most women in media and in trends exemplify youthful cute charms ( girlish femininity , innocence , kindness , etc. ). 
it is rarer to see mature and “sexy” styles , especially those that also involve blunt and direct personality types. part of the reason that kiyoko isn’t criticized for being blunt is because she’s attractive and able to suit this style. other haikyuu characters who go against the natural grain like ushijima and tendou don’t have the same sort of social “clout” that a beautiful high school girl does , so their directness is considered a fault. tendou isn’t conventionally attractive and he’s a bit of an otaku nerd ( which isn’t a problem in today’s high schools , but in a private high school 10 years ago could easily have been an isolating factor ) , and ushijima is attractive but a jock-type who doesn’t have the same social fluency as other students ( since he focuses mostly on volleyball and might produce very one-note conversations ). kiyoko may be blunt , but comparatively she doesn’t have anything that ostracizes her from fitting in. she simply chooses not to engage with people at times.
of course , if she weren’t attractive , her bluntness would be considered a fault. it’s simply because she was lucky enough to be beautiful that her direct personality isn’t considered “abrasive.” instead , it lends her character to the onee-san trope ( a mature , no-nonsense , cold woman type ). being beautiful and blunt effectively elevates a woman to some goddess-like level. it may be because onee-san types are somewhat “rarer” to find—— not only is beauty “rare,” but a woman who isn’t the average girly/cutesy type is also “rare.”
however , i think it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that kiyoko isn’t completely cold-blooded and unfeeling. her behavior with the team may make her an onee-san type , but with other characters and other teams , she’s not quite the same. rather than directly refusing others , she adopts a technique of disregard or avoidance. she ignores oikawa who tries to talk to her , rather than confront him—— a person she doesn’t know—— by saying she has no interest in him. she also avoids talking to the players on other teams at the training camp in tokyo who are ushering to try saying hello to her , by instead chatting with the female managers she’s more comfortable with. 
when she does have to interact directly with someone , she’s polite and indirect. terushima stops her in the hallway at the spring interhigh and rather than be blunt or ignore him , she uses the typical japanese style of deflecting ( which is considered more polite ) and explains that she has people waiting for her. in japan , people understand an excuse like this to mean that she’s not interested and to signal that she’d like to break away. 
also , the way that she interacts with yachi and the other female managers completely contradicts the notion that she’s cold and blunt. tanaka and nishinoya even ogle that she’s chatting a lot , smiling , and having lots of “girl talk” with the other managers , which means that she’s not the sort of solitary person who blocks everyone out.
at face value , an outsider would see kiyoko’s behavior of being quiet , enjoying time to herself , and avoiding/ignoring interactions with people she doesn’t know as being very onee-san-esque. it’s easy to label her as an onee-san because of her outwardly expressed behaviors , in conjunction with the fact that she also doesn’t fit neatly into the cutesy girly trope. from my experience , most japanese women are sorted into these two categories ( the third might be somewhere in the middle , like the “girl next door” type , though that tends to lean youthful and girly too ). but this trope is , of course , just a shallow label and doesn’t hold any weight when considering the spectrum of kiyoko’s social styles. it may just be because most people don’t end up talking to her that they view her this way.
in my portrayal i try to emphasize depth in her personality—— her humor , her tendency to take care of others without being asked , and her thoughtfulness that may not fully manifest as words or actions beyond simply her own ideas. i do think that she’s more blunt and direct than most people. i think she’s not afraid to speak her mind , and to do so concisely—— which isn’t common in japan. i think it makes her a unique character when compared with others in the series. however , i don’t think it’s the one and only aspect of her personality , nor do i think it should be emphasized as the encapsulation of her personality. it’s just one element , and clearly one that she disproves by her proclivity for disregard and avoidance , and her ability to have friendly , sensitive , and supportive conversations with other characters.
#headcanon tag tba.#anyways i just think the onee-san trope is really interesting#because from my experience like 90% of the japanese women i meet are all very cutesy girly and feminine#(obviously from a western perspective theyre much more feminine than me or american women)#so i'm often called an onee-san bc i'm not 'cute' .... like i'm very ambitious and focused and my coworkers have said its very 'sexy'#and i think a lot of people think onee-sans are very refreshing because they're not the trendy norm in terms of style or attitude#but like all tropes saying kiyoko is onee-san type is very shallow because she's actually quite normal and she can have warm conversations#she's a normal high school girl it's just that she doesn't really fit in the cutesy trope box that well and her attitude is more...#'i enjoy being alone too' and 'i'm focused and serious about things that matter to me' and 'i don't always care to humor weird requests'#so on the outside that would make her seem like an onee-san type. and for a lot of people that means she's EXTRA beautiful#i dont wanna unpack het mens psychology and why onee-sans are so attractive but honestly#i think kiyoko gets more attention than a cutesy beautiful girl would... even though theyre both beautiful#her personality SOMEHOW makes her more attractive and i can only think its because its not really common here#and it definitely makes women seem untouchable and elevated to be a bit colder and mature-like#one of my coworkers is quite beautiful and serious about her work... and our other coworkers are in awe of here#her*#even though there are other teachers who are equally as attractive but not as diligent; and some who are diligent but not beautiful#it's really interesting jgksj anyways#i do want to explore more... nonblunt kiyoko stuff.... kiyoko with friends being warm
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fearcicada · 1 year
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Since realizing I'm aro I've gone through about a billion different phases regarding being neutral about romance, liking romance, hating it etc. And a few months ago ended up at the stopping point of "romance doesn't exist"
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