#in which he's wearing a 1D up all night tour shirt

[larrylimericks]

5Mar23

A selfie shot in a gym mirror, Fast gone but H couldn’t be clearer: An Up All Night flex (Fetus Larry on pecs!), There’s naur one who holds 1D dearer.

[avatar-anna]

can we have some content of the twins relationship with each other?

sure!! maybe i can do a profile on all of the styles children

Young dad!Harry x Young mom!Reader

Julian and Maeve for sure give off that unhinged, middle child energy.

Y/n loved dressing them up in matching clothes when they were babies like this, this, or this. But as they get older, she lets them develop their own style, as is the Styles family way. And for no other reason than to make their parents heads spin, Maeve and Jules switch clothes from time to time—shoes, jackets, shirts, etc.

Maeve is the first one to call Julian JuJu.

Simone loves playing dress up with the twins and painting their nails. And when she's old enough to drive, she picks them and Collette up from school to get ice cream right after she gets her license.

The first time they join Harry on tour, they wreak havoc. They run around during rehearsals, sometimes in just a shirt and a pull-up, or whatever Y/n was able to finagle them into before giving up and tossing clothes at Harry when she sees them and says, "Good luck," before walking off with the rest of her kids.

Harry holds Maeve and Julian on either side when they go to the beach. The water is a little choppy and cold and they're afraid to go in, but Harry holds them and jumps with each wave and lets them down when they feel better. Then he helps them dig for crabs and shells and build sand castles.

And then they bury him in sand.

When Harry comes home from the separation, the twins are little (about two) and he takes it upon himself to be Superdad™️. One of the things he does is sing to the twins every night before bed (he reads to Simone and Collette). And it's usually the same song, so when they're old enough they sing along with him.

For their seventh birthday, the twins desperately want a trip to Disneyland with the whole family. Harry and Y/n of course are unsure because that's just asking for trouble. They have to sit down with the twins and tell them that Daddy can't go because too many people would crowd them and it wouldn't be safe. Jules and Maeve are obviously upset, but Harry promises that they can have whatever they want at Disneyland and even though he can't go, he takes the day off so he can call and FaceTime the entire day. It's not perfect, but it's the best they can do, and the twins grow to appreciate how Harry did so much for them with their unique situation.

Maeve definitely gets sent home from school one time for punching a kid that was teasing Julian.

The twins are also unironically fans of One Direction, and they beg Harry and their uncles for a reunion. They are spearheading the movement for the reunion tour.

Speaking of 1D, Y/n sends an invite to the twins' baby shower. She's already done the "just girls" party and thinks it's a load of crap because it should be a party for both parents and all that. 2/4 come (I'll let you pick who went).

After the documentary comes out, the world obviously knows that Harry has a family, which means a lot of press. One time they're all out as a family, and they use their usual tactics to hide their whereabouts, but everyone is on high alert to see Harry Styles out with his wife and kids. And there's a big crowd when they leave a restaurant and the twins are terrified and since Y/n is dealing with shielding Natalia and Geneva, so Harry tells Simone and Collette to hold hands while he picks up Julian and hugs Maeve close to his side.

It's safe to say after that incident Harry hires security for whenever they go out as a family, or just for when Y/n and the kids go anywhere. They have a family bodyguard, who the twins love to make laugh. Or try to, anyway. He's very big and very stone-faced, but Maeve and Julian make him play with their stuffed animals and wear princess crowns and hold their hands when he walks with them.

The twins have separate rooms at home, but sometimes (especially when they're little) they have sleepovers in each other's rooms).

Julian is the first person Maeve tells anything, and he's the same. She tells him when she has her first crush, who she got for Styles Family Secret Santa, when she fails a test and she's scared to tell their parents, when she kisses a boy for the first time, when she kisses a girl for the first time. Everything, they tell each other everything.

All they ever need is each other, and sometimes Y/n and Harry worry that their other kids feel left out, and sometimes they do, but all the Styles kids have different relationships with each other, like all siblings do.

[so-idialed-9]

7 Masterpost

Uses of 7 (and 7 in groups of 4, 7x4 = 28) by Harry and Louis. I will continue updating this post with new 7s. Updated Nov 11 2023.

Harry wore the peace ring to perform at HSLOT on September 7, 2021. The ring is seen as a commitment ring or symbol of Louis' and Harry's relationship. Some theorize they trade it back and forth when they meet up. He doesn't wear it again until exactly a year later, September 7, 2022

Louis covered 7 by Catfish and the Bottlemen, which starts out with the word Larry, in every show on LTWT22, for the first time again on the final show of the North American FITF Tour 7/29/23 in Forest Hills NY and calls extra attention to it, at AFHF 2023, and at FITFWT Barcelona 10/6/23 the day photos were published of H in London wearing the shared Umbro jumper

I Will Survive at Coachella 2 (4.23.22) was 7 years after 1D performed it in Manila - as a celebration of the Elounor stunt BUA

Harry uses his hands to display the number 7 for Pleasing and bonus! The nails are in 4 colors, 6.30.22

Late Night Talking mv has the private, real relationship as a man in a blue shirt with 4 7s on his sleeves, premiered 7.14.22

7 in the back of Louis' blue sun/sol azul tour shirt for Brisbane 1, 7.19.22

Harry scored the crowd a 7 at singing Kiwi at HSLOT Krakow, 7.19.22

7 years in the Aussie The Project interview for Louis, 7.20.22

7 in Louis' Australian Today interview - the interviewer mentions its been 10 years since he's been on the show and he responds it's been 7 years since the band toured there, 7.21.22

Harry posted 7 on IG of this bts photo for HSLOT Krakow, posted 7.20.22

John Delf’s Louis Tomlinson Changeover playlist on Spotify was updated to remove 28 songs and add 7 songs.  7.30.22

7 of the John Delf LT Changeover playlist songs are also on HSLOT’s pre/post-show playlist. 7.30.22

LT2 vinyl has 7 tracks on each side from the Amazon 'leak' 8.11.22

LT2 Amazon vinyl release scheduled for 11.11.22, 28 months after Louis announces Syco contract end

L and H saw Ed Sheeran in Manchester where Lego House was the 7th song on the setlist. All Along lyrics are "we saw Ed in Manchester, I held you while he played."

Bonus! Lego House is an exit song twice for LTWT22, and one of those times is the day HS3 is released.

Louis' Bigger Than Me promo reel features this image of 7 Louis photos and 7 28's, and Louis with a green eye. 8.31.22

Louis' friends and family referencing the number 7 on social media

September 7, 2022, Harry wears the peace ring to perform at MSG

Louis' F1 playlist released Sept 7, 2022 has 7 by Catfish and the Bottlemen and the Arctic Monkeys' 505, which had a chorus referencing 7 9.7.22

Helene Horlyck posted an IG photo with Louis and Lottie at Taylor Swift's party. It was taken post-Haylor stunt on May 19, 2015. Helene captioned it 7 year hop with orange hearts. 9.9.22

Harry's diamond ring has 7 stones

"All Of Those Voices" premieres at 7 pm local time everywhere, 3.22.23

Louis gets 4 finger tattoos, making the number of tattoos on his hands 7. 4.5.23 His two ring fingers are the 8/♾️ and pyramid/🔺️

Louis covers Arctic Monkeys' 505 on FITF tour, about wanting to get back to your lover waiting in a hotel room, even if it takes a 7 hour flight, starting 5.2023

Louis sings and dances to 7 Nation Army to celebrate his team's birthday, FITFWT Woodlands TX, 7.8.23

Z8/28 on the saddle of Harry's horse in the Daylight mv, released 7.19.23

77 days between the mv release of Late Night Talking and Sept 28, and 77 days between Sept 28 and Daylight mv release.

Louis switches up his setlist for the final show of the North American FITF tour leg in Forest Hills NY by singing 7 again with the intro "I don't want to introduce the next tune, but I don't really know how to close this without her. Enjoy the next tune!" 7/29/23

Louis sings 7 again at Barcelona for the UK FITF tour leg, the same day photos appear of Harry (from 10/5/23) wearing the infamous boyfriend Umbro shirt, 10/6/23

Louis' website is updated to celebrate Faith In the Future One Year On; the source code includes a massive 369 (made out of 3s, 6s, 9, and colons) that begins on line 7, 11/11/23 thank you to @wendersfive for the addition!

Plus let's not forget all the twisted DNA strand sunburst/kiwi clothing/checkered flag shit

But don't stop now! Bring on the cryptic numerology, drive us insane please - we love it.

At this point, with the 28 and 4 7s and 369, the only numbers they haven't claimed are 1, 5, and 0.

[officialgritty]

How I Would Humble NHL Players

An essay written by bigboigritty. 

I would humble hockey players the only way I know how to, by sending them to Australia. Let’s suppose that they have decided to hold the All Star game over here (forget about it’s usual date) (forget that some players I have listed below might not be invited) (and while you're at it, please forget that Australia’s rinks are Not Good).

I think that they would suffer but in an entertaining way so it’s fine. 

First of all, their biggest concern is getting sunburnt. It would effect all of their dumb asses but I’m particularly worried about Pierre-Luc Dubois and Mitch Marner. Boys are practically translucent. Vince Dunn would be fine, he’d probably wear a shirt most of the time which is a very smart decision. 

You may wonder why I didn’t mention Nolan Patrick because I am a certified slut for him, well I don't think he would have a problem. He would spend most of the time inside and when he joins the others, I think his Virgo ass would reapply sunscreen. Maybe he would burn slightly but I don't think it'd be enough to make him uncomfortable. 

Another thing that I think they will gain from this experience is a higher pain tolerance. Now you’re probably thinking, “Zoe they are NHL players so they can handle pain.” Wrong.

Real pain is running barefoot on cement at theme parks while you race to get to the next ride. Also getting into the car and having to avoid touching every piece of metal to not get branded like a cow. Or better yet, when the heat gets so bad that there’s a black out because everyone has their air conditioning turned on.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that other countries have scary animals but I would pay to see them panic over ours. Crocodiles here can grow up to 5.2 metres / 17 feet. We have a box jellyfish season where it’s advised to avoid swimming or wear wetsuits for coverage. Funnel web spiders can survive underwater for hours by trapping air bubbles around their skin. We have several of the worlds deadliest snakes present across the country. 

Listen, I don't want anyone to get injured but the constant fear that they would have when doing anything would be enough to make me happy.

My biggest question is who would survive in the shady areas, who would survive the eshays?

Under no circumstances can you look them in the eyes or cross their path. They are not to be feared individually but in groups caution is advised. I think the players would attempt to assert dominance and that is simply not an option. You are better off to ignore the eshay.

Nolan would have no issues here if im being honest. He is big and I don't think they’d find it worth it to fuck with him. But you know who they would target? Matthew Tkachuk. “Where are you going pretty boy?” “Oi braa did we hurt your feelings ya pussy cunt?” They would make fun of his hair in particular. 

Travis Konecny would be an eshay. I don't think I need to make further comment. (So would Louis Tomlinson but I am not a 1D account and I will continue to repeat that until it’s true.)

I would also give them a few iconic tasks to get the true Australian experience. Activities for the ‘vacation’ include triathlon events, beach flags, bush walking and climbing the harbour bridge. They could attend a cricket match but they tend to like golf so unfortunately they would probably enjoy this :(

AFL is an extremely popular sport here and I think they would loose their shit when they learn the rules of this game. No protective equipment is used other than mouthguards, that's it. That’s all you get. And jumping onto other players for leverage is encouraged. I would thoroughly enjoy the fights that would break out because of this.

Another task would be to use a map to make their way to a servo for a slurpee. The catch is that they will be required to pass through multiple alleyways. Also, the season is Spring, it’s swooping season mother fuckers. Let’s see how brave you are when birds chase you down the block. Personally I don’t think any of them would pass this test, maybe McDavid because the birds may not be able to detect a heartbeat.

Australian food would disgust them, I just know it. Things that they would need to try are a Bunnings sausage sanga, fairy bread, lamingtons, baked beans on toast, Milo and Vegemite. Because I’m me I would give them no butter with their Vegemite. 

An after thought I had was money so I’m editing this to include it. Everything here is EXPENSIVE so they would need to learn how to budget. Upon doing research, Canadians would be fine but the Americans will be mad.

1000 CAD = 1019 AUD

1000 USD = 1297 AUD

Another after thought was the fact that they won’t be able to drive (or at least drive well) here. We drive on the left and not the right, same goes for walking paths too. I can sense a lot of them bumping into people.

Where I think players would live based on vibes alone:

Carter Hart and Vince Dunn: North Shore Beaches, NSW. Daddy’s money. Carter probably did Nippers whereas Vince was a skater boy. 

Travis Konecny: Darwin, NT. Would 100% live there and enjoy it. He would try to conduct crocodile tours but gets assigned to feeding the baby crocs and doing shows for little kids. 

Tyson Barrie: Perisher, NSW. One of the only ski resorts we have to offer, major friendly mountain man energy.

Nolan Patrick: Byron Bay, NSW. @antoineroussel enlightened me, steering away from my original thought of Katoomba, NSW. Byron Bay is a magnet for hippies and links rainforest to the ocean. Chris Hemsworth and his family also live there.

William Nylander: Perth, WA. I don’t know much about Perth other than they wouldn’t shut up about partying while the other states had to quarantine. For some reason, I also associate Perth with Tik Tok. 

Sidney Crosby and Connor McDavid: Melbourne CBD, VIC. These two would live in the same apartment building in the city, Connor one level above Sidney. It’s the most boring looking block of them all and Crosby would send in complaints to the landlord about McDavid pacing during the night.

Tyler Seguin: Surfers Paradise, QLD. Party central, not many people are actually from this area and he would be sure to tell absolutely everyone that he was. I also think he would get a Meter Maid tattoo, specifically on his leg. Has definitely slept on the beach before because he couldn’t find his way home.

Jamie Benn: Hobart, TAS. Tasmania is usually forgotten about. Another one with mountain man energy except he is more creepy than friendly.

Mitch Marner: Fitzroy, VIC. @antoineroussel is responsible for this one too. Hipster central, makes you question how the hell someone so young can have so much money. Would chug $45 wine and not blink an eye.

(honourable mentions include = Sammy Blais: Hobart, Tas. Once again no comment on Tasmania. TJ Oshie: Cairns, QLD. Would do reef tours. Haydn Fleury: Western Sydney, NSW. Haydn would 100% own a ute or a white holden commodore and you can’t tell me otherwise. Roman Josi: Adelaide, SA. Small town history teacher vibes.)

I have attached a handy map for those who may need it.

In conclusion, the NHL should send their players over here to teach them some manners and while they’re at it, management should bring themselves too. Nolan Patrick could pass as an Australian if he built up a tan. (So does Nylander in this picture but we won’t talk about that.) Come over anytime baby, I’m free. 

Glossary

Servo - A service station, also known as a petrol or gas station. Example: 7/11

Theme park - An amusement park. Can be said in reference to both normal parks and water parks and usually means those in QLD. Example: Six Flags

Swooping season - August to October in Australia. When birds attack and chase humans and / or pets for getting close to their babies. Magpies are notoriously bad for this. 

Bunnings sausage sanga - A cheap feed / meal found at the front of a hardware and gardening store called Bunnings. Made up of white bread, sausage, onion and your choice of sauce.

Fairy bread - White bread with margarine and topped with 100s and 1000s / sprinkles. 

Meter Maids - Women who work along the beach dressed in gold bikinis. They top up parking meters to save tourists from getting fined and will often stop for photos. 

Nippers - Surf lifesaving programs carried out for children between 5 and 14. 

Ute - A pick up truck.

Eshay - A person who partakes in drug use, graffiti, listens to EDM and targets victims in groups. Below is the typical style of an eshay. 

Tagging a few friends so this doesn’t completely flop but feel free to ignore if it isn't your thing. I won’t be offended lmao

@scheifefe @ifiwasshawnmendesidslapmyself @d00dlebob @bowenbyram @kempe @prettyboyroope @quintonsbyfield @travisgermy @pitoftrash @kspitehockey @ballsakic @canadianheaters @bricksatlandyswindow @powerblais @brokeninsidebutnobodyknows @jamiedrysdales

[twopoppies]

Do you ever wonder why Harry Lambert only dresses Harry like this? Same form just different colors? Why the plainliness tho? Last tour was so extravagant, some suits were similar but not all of them tho. Was Harry Reed.. Harris Reed... I forgot which one, involved in making the suits?? Sorry just a little vent cuz Harry's suits these days are just like what he wore back then in 1D, same skinny jeans but different tshirts

I get that people are bored of this silhouette, but you have to remember that this stuff must have all been made back in 2019 when Fine Line first dropped. When he released the Lights Up video, this looks seemed so fresh. This was what we were supposed to be seeing like 18 months ago. It's no wonder it feels "boring" to you now.

But also, Harry probably told Harry L that he didn't want to wear fucking suits again because he had to have been hot as hell last tour. Yes, Harris Reed made outfits for him for the last tour. I don't know if he made stuff for this one. I can't imagine that every single night Harry will be wearing this trousers/shirt/suspenders look, but I'd honestly just let it go.

[ahundredtimesover]

He’s Leaving (FNTO 2)

They weren’t kidding when they said everything you touch turns into a mess.

Pairing: Jungkook x (f.) Reader

Genre/Tags: strangers to friends to lovers, popstar/idol!jk, fluff, angst, future smut; this is a dialogue-heavy series so read if you’re into that! JK’s angry in this one 

Warnings: foul language, these characters talk alot bc I talk alot, eventual smut

Word count: ~12,000

Series summary: You meet pop star/idol Jeon Jungkook at the cafe, you get close, and as Hyejin says, you’re like friends with benefits without the sex. But you’re bad at feelings and so is he.

series masterlist

A/N: This takes place 7 months after that night Y/N’s ex shows up! Italicized parts refer to past events. And since I’d mentioned this was initially for Harry, I remember now that Home by 1D was my mood for this, so listen to it as soundtrack (getting emotional while listening to it & thinking about how this ends)!   

#

He’s leaving. 

You stare blankly at the wall dividing your living room and bedroom and say the words once more, in your head and then out of your mouth.  

He’s leaving. 

You say it over and over again, alternating between question and statement. 

Jungkook’s leaving. 

“Yes, Y/N, that’s what I just said.” Jimin mutters over the phone.

“But why? I mean, since when does he leave ahead of all of you guys?”

“He decided to schedule a meeting with one of the producers he’s working with for his mixtape. It isn’t with your cousin, though, otherwise Jieun would’ve told you,” Jimin responds.

It’s the first week of August and the first show of the next leg of their world tour isn’t until a week from now, but Jungkook’s already headed to L.A. and he didn't even tell you about it. In fact, he hasn't said a word to you in the last five days, which is oddly surprising. 

“He hasn't spoken to you?” Jimin asks, picking up on your thoughts. Perhaps your silence gave away the frustration you were feeling. 

“Nope,” you reply, the sadness in your voice unmistakable. 

“I hope you don't think I’m one of those people who’s gotten so attached to him that being ignored for five days feels like the end of the world… because it really isn’t. I’m just worried and confused,” you continue. 

You aren’t blind. Jungkook’s surrounded by women, some vying for his attention, some wanting it back. They’d act out either way, displeasing him although he’d never say it out loud, but you were pretty sure you weren’t one of them. Right?

“Hey, of course not! As both of your friends, even I’m surprised. You two are like, inseparable, long-distance buddies,” he claims. “But to tell you the truth, I have no idea what’s going on either. Are you sure you didn't fight for real this time?” 

No real fights, you say. Your arguments about who has better smelling detergent or your choice of movie to watch or him stealing your oversized sweatshirts were as far as you two went. You often had serious talks, but when you didn't see eye to eye, you always just agreed to disagree, and then it was back to petty fights and annoying each other like little kids again. 

“I’ve to head out now, Y/N. I’m sorry I couldn't help, but I hope you two patch things up! Just call if you need anything,” Jimin says after a few more back and forth of questions and answers about how the past week or so has been, just to pick up on any clues as to why things just suddenly came to a halt. You put your phone away and sit on the couch.

A few months ago, it probably wouldn't have mattered if he didn't text or call for a day or a week. You couldn't even truly come to terms with the fact that you’ve become good friends with Jeon Jungkook, the ‘golden maknae’ and self-proclaimed international playboy of the biggest band in the world who has the unenviable position of being half the female population’s (and a good fraction of the male’s as well) dream everything. 

It amazed you how this oversized-clothes wearing boy with a bunny smile and doe eyes and who liked to talk to insects and impersonate chickens and act out Ironman fight scenes could arouse the sexual musings of individuals of all genders and ages. But then again, he does have that mellifluous voice and has this tendency to hump the air and dance wildly enough to reveal his abs, so you do understand the collective reaction.

For a high profile celebrity like him, it seems natural to be drawn to people from the same industry, for romance purposes or otherwise. Much of it has to do with the fact that they get the lifestyle, as his other band mates have shared, some of whom having dated fellow pop stars and models. But you aren’t from the same circle, or clique, or planet. While you’re your university’s star athlete, volleyball isn’t religion here, so there isn’t any “lifestyle change” of some sort. 

Before Jungkook, your only window to celebrity life was through Jieun, your LA-based music producer of a cousin. Yet, you’ve always been wary of the spotlight, and those who loved it too much, which is why it baffled you for quite a while why you were so fond of Jungkook. He loved the spotlight enough to make his job look so easy, but he felt real  — so real you almost thought he wasn't. 

#

The midway mark of September has rolled in. Once the celebrations of your championship win over the summer were over, it was back to focusing on work and school. You’ve started your probationary period at a research institute, and you’re riding out your fifth year of university after your senior year knee injury left you out of school for a month and out of the graduation rites. This meant a chance to actually win the championship, which you did, and to appease your ever growing interest in gender studies, you decided to take up a minor program too. 

It’s 8 am on a Monday and you’re enjoying your iced americano at Annie’s, your aunt’s café that she lets you run to help sustain your lifestyle. You monitor the daily operations, which means checking up on it everyday, and since class isn’t until nine, you always have your breakfast here. 

Your back is turned to the door and you’re packing up your stuff, laughing at something Woojin, your café manager, is saying. 

You stand up, swing your bag strap to your right shoulder and without paying attention, turn to your left to head out. Except instead of going for the door, you go for a body instead. The next thing you know, you’re massaging the right side of your forehead because holy crap this person has a knife for a chin, or a shoulder, or whichever part of the person’s body hit you. 

“Ow!”

“I. Am. So. Sorry,” the person says. His voice is low and raspy, sleepiness still evident in it, and he says those words as if each is a sentence on its own. “Are you alright?” 

By this time it has registered. You are looking up at the man who made your then-65 year old Grandma shriek. But that was last year and you bet if she were still alive now, she’d do the same, probably even louder. 

You could hear customers enjoying their morning coffee whisper quite loudly “Is that Jeon Jungkook?!” And then it registers again. Yep, it is.

Eyes wide, you tell him that “good thing I don’t have coffee or that pretty white shirt of yours would’ve been messed up.” 

Really, that’s what you say? 

God, you sound so stupid, so you bat your eyelashes and put on a smile, as if that would save you the embarrassment. He grins.

“Yeah, good thing you didn't,” he says, letting out a little laugh.

You smile again, a bit awkwardly though, just to acknowledge his appreciation of you not ruining his Monday morning. As you’re about to step to your left to go for the door this time, he furrows his eyebrows. “You look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere?” 

Well, you know where you’ve seen him, but you don't say that. Instead, you mumble “probably in your dreams?” Again, what? 

He laughs again, this time more loudly. You’re amused at the child-like tone of his laugh, a complete contradiction to his toned body and tattooed arm. Your eyes travel up. Right, that was his shoulder you hit, you realize.

This is such a turn-off. Why does he keep laughing at stupid things? 

“That sounded different in my head. It wasn't supposed to be a pick-up line if ever you thought so,” you clarify. 

“No I didn’t, but thanks for confirming,” he says. You notice him smirking.

“Well, that settles it, then. Bye!” You wave, and you go for the door, for real this time. 

It was an interesting way to start the week. You rarely have VIPs entering your café, especially in this quiet part of town, and so it’s quite a surprise to have him check it out. What’s even more surprising is seeing him there again the next day.

Your back isn’t to the door this time, but you’re zoned in on the paper you’re working on, eyes focusing on the laptop screen. It’s only when you momentarily look up and see Woojin preoccupied and seemingly distressed on the phone that you hear someone say, “excuse me” with his inked hand up that you realize your VIP is back. You stand up, approach him, and ask what he wants to order.

Jungkook’s face lights up. “Well, good morning, dream girl,” he greets. You flinch at the thought of what you said the day before implied. 

“Please don’t,” you plead, before exploding into laughter. “Not my best moment, eh?” 

He smiles again, shaking his head as if agreeing to what you just said.

“What do you want to order?” 

“So… Annie?” He diverts.

You aren’t sure if you’re happy that asking for your name means he won’t have to call you dream girl again, or embarrassed because now there would be a name to the face. 

“Annie’s my aunt, but I help run the place. It’s Y/N.”

“And I’m Jungkook,” he says, putting out his hand, as if you don't know who he is, which actually impresses you. You’ve heard of famous people's tendencies to act like everyone knows them, making them forego the courtesy of introducing themselves properly. You shake his hand, a little calloused but soft nonetheless. “This is Sejin. He told me about this place and how good it is,” he continues.

“Which is why you’re here for the second day this week?” you ask, fishing for some feedback on your food. 

“I wanted to get back at the girl who would’ve spilled coffee on my shirt yesterday. Turns out this place has some great food as well,” he says, a smile creeping onto his face. You aren’t quite sure what to make of this. 

You insist on their orders, suggest your bestsellers, and turn it over to the kitchen. As you’re about to head back to your seat, he says, “I remember where I know you from!” You look at him, curious. 

“You’re Jieun’s cousin! She always posts about you,” he excitedly claims. 

You nod. Of course, Jieun. You could’ve figured that out and told him yesterday instead of the dream girl thing. 

“Right. Jieun,” you start. “She sucks up to me like that to convince me to visit her in L.A.,” you explain. You try to keep your voice steady. You don’t want to give the impression that having this conversation with him is already the most interesting part of your week, even if it is. Who gets to say that Jeon Jungkook recognizes their face anyway?

“You don’t like L.A.?” He asks curiously.

“It’s just not my cup of tea,” you respond, angling your body to move towards your table, but facing him still. You’re glad that the morning rush has ended and there aren’t many people in the cafe who minds enough that you’re talking to Jeon Jungkook. 

“Then what is?” he asks, arms crossed against his chest, looking genuinely curious. 

You let out a laugh. “Jasmine, chamomile. Lemongrass on some days,” you say. “We’ve got good ones you should try,” you tease. 

You aren’t the type to spill things about you that easily, and he picks this one up. He nods and smiles. The only other thing he says to you before you leave is that the food is good, and that he’d “see you around.” 

Of course he would, because for the rest of the week, he kept going back, right around the same time as you’re there. This isn't new, of course. You have so many customers who come everyday at a particular time — right before school or work or just part of their daily routine. But he didn't fit the profile of a regular customer, but you also could admit it was nice to see a fresh face around. 

It’s Thursday of that week when he tells you “I have meetings and stuff in this area and your food’s really good,” after you give him a questioning look as to why he’s here again. And it’s the next day when he comes alone, orders jasmine tea for himself and for you, and asks for your number after you talk about Disney movies and the damsel in distress trope. And cats, and how much you hate them. 

~

You have your back lying on the couch for 10 minutes, debating on whether you should drive to his place and ask what’s going on, or stay home and settle on phone calls for the next 2 months that he’ll be gone for the tour, if he’ll even pick them up. Because you’ve tried—you’ve called and left messages, not to ask why he hasn't been texting or if anything’s wrong, but just to crack up jokes that are way funnier than his, or to talk about food. You know, normal things. 

You like how your texts never start with “good morning” and “what are you doing?” They’re usually along the lines of “some cat left a paw mark on my car, my day is ruined” or “I tripped in front of an old lady and she almost died laughing” or “what movie should I watch if I want to forget I have a shit load of work to do” or a picture of whatever food you ate that day. 

Things are never formal with you two. It’s always very casual that sometimes you forget that his “show’s about to go on, I’ll talk to you later” text means he’s just about to perform in a sold-out stadium in front of thousands of people in Japan or something — like it was no big deal. Or that his “hang on, someone will just talk to me” is really code for “I’ve got an interview,” which you know will be newsflash and then posted all over social media immediately after. You enjoy this bit because it feels so natural, neither of you feel like you have to impress the other. 

“Will you stop air fucking and pole dancing on the mic stand,” you’d say. 

“Stop talking to me and do your report already,” he’d say. 

“Seriously, why are your clothes 3 sizes bigger? How much food are you hiding in there?” You’d laugh over the phone. 

“Your sweatshirt looks like shit, can I have it?” he’d annoy you, and then proceed to take it home. 

You like making fun of each other as much as you like talking to each other. He’s easy to get along with and not pretentious; you’re comfortable to be around and not judgemental. He doesn’t have a problem telling you if you’re being too whiny; you don't mind calling him out for being too much of a perfectionist that he’s actually not being productive anymore. 

Jimin was right when he described you two as inseparable, long-distance buddies — whether it was a night out with friends or a night in doing papers, if it didn’t clash with his schedule, you were together. Even if it was a quick take out dinner at 11PM  after a long day of practicing, he’d be at your place.

Whenever he’s away on tour, he’d be constantly updating you about fan signs and the food and the weather; similarly, you’d update him on the café’s customer of the day or this new e-book you’d discovered or the weird dream you just had. You never feel any sort of pressure or expectation; neither of you feel too attached, despite the amount of time you spend together. 

Regardless of how your constant texting or hanging out when he was back in Seoul seems like to others, neither of you ever felt like you had to define what you two really are. That’s what you always think the reason is as to why it works — it just does because you don't feel like it has to go a specific direction. 

Despite all that, it still feels odd that he hasn’t been returning your calls or even updating you on how his day has been. The longest you’d gone without talking was 3 days, and that’s with a heads up. The next few months will be crazy for the band, what with the remaining shows of their tour. It isn't like him to just disappear from your life like this. 

“When was the last time you saw him?” your best friend Chaewon asks over the phone when you finally decide to call someone after finding out Jungkook’s leaving.

“He’s not lost, okay. He’s just not calling,” you correct her. “But last week, we went for a drive, he slept over, and that was it. He just…” you trail. You aren’t even sure how to describe what just happened. 

“Then why don’t you go over there?” She asks, almost as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. 

“I don't know, it might get messy. You know I’m not good with confrontations.”

“Just go, Y/N. He probably won’t be calling you after he’s left if he’d been dodging you like this.” 

Chae hangs up shortly after. You figure she probably doesn't want to hear another one of your excuses. You take your best friend’s advice and head for the door, get in your car, and take the 30-minute drive to his house.  

#

“I like to leave,” you tell him. You glance to your right where he sits at the passenger seat of your car then look back on the road. You and Jungkook had just spent dinner with your friends at Chaewon’s apartment and you told him you could drive him back to the dorm. 

He gives you a puzzling look. “Is that some sort of warning that I’ll wake up one day and you’ll just be… gone?” he asks, eyebrows scrunched up. You could see there’s a hint of concern on his face. 

“Oh, I meant I like taking trips,” you laugh, realizing the oddity of what you had just said, which was a response to Jaehyun, your other best friend, mentioning you being voted as ‘most likely to evaporate into thin air’ in high school. 

“Some days I wake up and just feel like being someplace else. So I grab my backpack and my trusty map, get into my car, and head out. By myself. Somewhere,” you say, shrugging, like it’s the most natural thing that people do. 

You describe to him the places you’ve seen — the lakes and mountains and fields that many people don’t know about, how the sunsets are like from there, how the trees and flowers smell like, how otherworldly they look. 

Most of the time, when you’re plagued with fear or sadness or doubt, you just leave. It’s your quick fix, your Band-Aid. You could be gone for a day or over the weekend; sometimes you’d be out for a week and not even your best friends know where you are, just that you’re safe. 

“But why?” he asks. You think it was ironic since this is a guy who leaves for a living. 

“When I was younger, we had this class and the teacher asked us to draw an object that represents us. I didn't even have a clear idea of who I was, how could I find the right object to symbolize me? You’ve got to find yourself, that’s how you’ll know, she said. I asked her how. She told me to go look at a map,” you narrate, looking back at that moment when you stared at your teacher trying to figure out if she was kidding or not. 

“I guess you find yourself in places you don't know. Or you realize who you really are when things get chaotic and you go somewhere far. Or you pull yourself away from the crazy to take a breath and escape some things you’re not really ready to face…” you state. 

“I never knew exactly what she meant, but I figured they all made sense,” you continue, slowing down the car as you’re a block away from his place. “You’ll always find a reason to leave.”

“But does leaving solve any of your problems?” 

“Not always, but sometimes the problem is nothing that you leave behind. Sometimes the problem is you.” You’d thought about the times you came back and felt like a different person with a different perspective on things. 

You look at him smiling, and you realize he’s been looking at you the whole time. You pull on the brakes, ready to say your goodnight, but he isn’t quite finished.

“What’s your favorite thing about leaving?” 

There are so many things you love about it. You love how it means you have the freedom and capability to do anything you want. You love seeing new scenery, discovering places for the first time, meeting new people and learning their stories. It is such a human thing to want to leave, you think. You like everything about it, even the parts where you get completely lost or rained or snowed on because you weren’t prepared. 

“Coming home,” you say. 

He softens at this, a pleased look on his face. 

“It’s like you’re gone for awhile and you see things for the first time, but then you drive back and you start seeing the familiar things — the streetlights, the driveways, the parks, the cafes… And all those constant things, they’re still there even when you leave, like they’re just waiting for you to come back.” 

“You should know that. You’re always jetting off somewhere new,” you say. 

“I leave because I have to. It’s part of the job.”

~

That conversation is ringing in your head the whole car ride to Jungkook’s house. Your knack for driving off is one of those things you never really share with anyone apart from your best friends. You never liked the thought of having to explain yourself to people, especially those you haven’t known for long, but with Jungkook, it never felt like you had to explain anything; you were always just sharing pieces of yourself that you knew he appreciated, that he somehow understood. 

You pull up behind the black SUV parked in front of his place; the same SUV that you know his driver uses to take him to the airport. You turn off the engine and go through the half opened gate, up the steps and through the door. 

You greet one of the members of his security team as she heads out the door and your eyes immediately turn to the two black duffel bags lying on the floor. They’re plump and full of things. You imagine all his black hoodies and sweatpants and leather jackets. You picture the bucket hats all neatly folded and his favorite Balenciaga sneakers tucked in somewhere. It feels weird, standing here at his foyer and just waiting for something to happen. 

You hear steps skipping down the stairs and his voice, assuring “I’ll call you when I get there” to someone on the phone. 

He’s looking down on it, texting someone who isn’t you. He does a double take, probably not expecting to see you standing by his door with a sad and confused look on your face. 

You’re fidgety and you feel nervous. You never liked confrontations, even if you were convincing yourself that is not why you came here in the first place. You just want to see how he was doing, maybe ask what he’s been up to, wish him luck on the shows and that you’d see him when he gets back in two months. 

“Y/N…” he starts. “I wasn't expecting you to be here.”

“Why, because you didn’t expect me to know you were leaving because you didn't tell me?” You say too quickly, resolve dissipating, tone and voice betraying you.

He looks taken aback. “Does it matter that I didn’t?” He says defensively, pulling up his duffel bags on a chair and seemingly looking for something inside one of them. You know he’s just distracting himself so he wouldn't have to look at you. 

“You go home to your parents for three days and you ask to see me the day before, and now you leave for North America for two months and suddenly it doesn't matter that you don’t tell me?” Your voice is getting louder and you immediately wish you hadn’t come here at all. It seems like he doesn’t want you to be here just the same. 

“You didn't even bother returning my calls or texts. And now you’re leaving. Your first show isn’t even until a week from now,” you say, crossing your arms. “What’s the rush?”

“I have a meeting with a producer,” he responds.

“That you couldn’t do during your free days there?” You snap back. You know this, you know they’re given some free time and he could’ve easily slipped that in there.

He sighs, knowing he can’t get out of this one. “I just want to be away from here, that’s all,” he says, glancing at you and then back at his bags. 

“You mean away from me?” 

He continues shuffling things in his duffel. He doesn’t even respond. You know it. He’s leaving because he wants to be away from you. 

“What’s going on, Jungkook? One day we’re laughing our butts off until we fall asleep and the next you just… not call at all.”

“I just didn't feel like it, I guess,” he says, zipping one of the bags and adjusting its strap.

This infuriates you.

“Well that’s nice. It seemed like you always felt like coming over with dinner, keeping me company while I worked, convincing me to go out for drinks, meeting me at the café for breakfast but then all of a sudden you don’t feel like calling?” You bite back.

He’s silent for a while, as if finding the right words to say. 

“You know what else is nice?” he starts, looking at you. “Calling me to come over on Friday nights when you don't feel like being out, asking me to stay the night and having me sleep next to you, kissing me and then telling me that ‘this feels nice and comfortable and fun’ and that I really am a great friend’.” His tone is angry, frustrated, desperate.

You feel your jaw drop open even if it’s closed. You did not see this coming at all. You always felt like you two were on the same page, that you like each other’s company so much that you prefer staying in on Fridays watching movies or National Geographic. You thought you both understand that sleeping next to each other only means you want to talk and laugh until you fall asleep, which is what happens all the time. You kiss then, which you treat like a goodbye because you don’t know if he’ll be there when you wake up. 

“I never thought of you as the selfish and unfair type, but I guess there’s just too many layers of you that it takes time before this side of you comes out.” He swings both his bags to his right shoulder, hinting that he’s ready to leave, that he’s ready to leave things like this. 

He starts walking towards the door. “They weren’t kidding when they said everything you touch turns into a mess.”

Your eyes widen in shock. “What the fuck, Jeon,” is all you could say. You’d never seen him this upset. Worse, you’d never seen him this upset at you.

“So what, I turned us into this big mess and you leave just like that? Like it’s not even worth talking to me about whatever it is you’re feeling?” you ask, following his movements. He’s halfway out the door by this time. 

You follow him out, overtake him and make sure he could see your face. “Leaving doesn't always solve problems.”

“Well, Y/N, sometimes it does. Because sometimes you’re not the problem, it’s what you leave behind.”

You look at his face, trying to find pieces of him you thought you’d figured out. He turns away, not wanting to see you like this. You see him soften a little bit, like he didn't mean for things to turn out this way, but you know he isn’t going to let up. You have so many questions running through your mind. What did this all mean? What’s going to happen now? 

“It’s sad how when someone you care about tells you exactly what you are to them, you realize at that moment what they are to you, and it’s the complete opposite.” 

He turns to look at you this time, his face screaming a kind of sadness you’d never seen before. You’d talked about him being homesick all these years when he’s out on tour. He’d shared how the gossip and his negative image have affected him and his relationships. He’d talked about how difficult it was holding onto things and people that were real, but none of those moments could compare to this one and to this look he has on right now that lets you know he’s upset and it has everything to do with you. 

You’re the one he’s leaving behind. You’re the mess he wants to get away from. You’re probably the last person he wants to see before flying out because you’re the problem he doesn't want to deal with. 

“Jungkook…” you start, although you have absolutely no idea what you want to say. You look at him, eyes pleading for something, anything. 

“I have to go,” is all he says. He turns around, clutching his bags over his shoulders, and walks away.

No ‘see you around’ or ‘I’ll call you soon’ like always. It was just ‘I have to go,’ like it was the period to the past months you two have been hanging out. ‘I have to go,’ like ‘leaving you is this need I have to fulfill.’ ‘I have to go,’ like, ‘this is it.’ 

You watch him walk out the gate. You watch the car drive away. There’s always something poetic about watching someone leave. You’d been used to that growing up. Your parents were always leaving, saving lives in places that needed saving, but you always knew they’d still be thinking about you and missing you while they were away. 

But with Jungkook, it was different. You hadn’t quite gotten used to him leaving all the time, and right now, you aren’t sure he’d be thinking about you or missing you while he was gone. 

‘I have to go,’ he said. Like, ‘I’m leaving. I don't want to stick around. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be with you.’

#

Things don’t feel real. You’ve been driving for 30 minutes, unsure where to go, reeling over the conversation you just had with Jungkook, if you could even call it that. It’s like he just dropped a bomb on you that you didn't know he’d had all this time. 

There was so much frustration and sadness on his face that morning and you couldn't get the image out of your head. What have you done? You kept asking yourself. 

But you reason that none of this is your fault. You thought everything was clear between the both of you. Sure, you never really talked about it, but if he was really feeling differently about you, then why didn't he just say something? 

“I’m heading out,” you say to Jaehyun over the phone. He’s always the first person you call when you feel like driving off.

“I’m guessing the talk with Jungkook didn't turn out well?” he asks. 

You don’t respond. You don’t really want to say anything to your friends about all this until you’ve figured things out. 

“Chae told me,” he says, interrupting the silence. 

“Yeah, I figured,” you reply. Information is so fluid between the both of them.

“So where are you off to?” 

“I don't really know, just wherever,” you say, but you know exactly where you’re going. It will just take another hour until you get there.

“Alright, just be safe,” he says, before hanging up. 

You step on the gas and turn on the music. Anything is better than the silence that’s ringing in your ears right now. You hum to the tunes of Colde and LeeHi, praying to the heavens you won’t hear Jungkook’s voice on the next song. This is your ‘favorites’ playlist and he had sneakily included some of his band’s songs one day when you went out to the market to grab some fruits and he stayed at your place watching TV. 

About 60 minutes later, you reach the place. It’s en route to a town a couple of miles south of the city. It’s a turn to the corner, onto a dirt road and a path lined with shrubs and small trees. The entrance to the main beach is right off the highway about a mile away, but you’d discovered this entrance not long ago when you drove off on a Sunday, two days after your ex-boyfriend came knocking at your door months after he broke up with you. It was the first time you spoke since then, and it was also the first time he ever tried to explain himself to you. You remember that trip; it was 7 months ago and it was also the last time you’d been here. Somehow you just felt the pull of this place. 

You realize later on, as you sit on the shore watching the sky turn purple and orange, that you told Jungkook about this when you were here. 

You watched the sunset then just like today. It looked so beautiful and so you snapped a picture and sent it to him. He was in Japan at that time for an event. You’d told him you’d fallen asleep and were just listening to the waves crash on the shore — your favorite sound in the world, you’d said. When it was all over, you decided to call it a day. 

“I’m driving back now,” you’d told him. “Okay,” he responded, voice tired from the day he had. It was rare for you to talk to anyone when you were out. You felt like a part of home was tugging at you when you did. But Jungkook was away and you just wanted him to see what you were seeing. You felt it was a way for you to tell him that you were fine. He didn’t seem convinced when he’d left your apartment that Friday night after Jinyoung visited. The photo you sent of the sunset, and the next one of you lying on the sand, smiling, were enough to convince him that indeed you were. 

“Okay. Hold on to the feeling once you see the familiar,” he’d said. He knew you loved that feeling. He always said he imagined a smile creeping from the left side of your mouth when you realized you were nearing home.

“You’re familiar, Jeon,” you’d told him.  

You liked the idea, that you saw him as something familiar. You’d only known each other then for a few months but you’d talked as if it had been years. He was away but he still felt constant. 

“So are you, Y/L/N,” he replied. 

You were thinking about this, about him, as the dust settled and the sky’s now a pretty dark blue with tiny hints of burnt orange. The waves still sound majestic, truly something you can never get tired of. You feel the cold autumn air tingle your insides. You close your eyes and breathe in to try to immerse yourself in your surroundings, hoping against hope that something will click and things will make sense.

You’d spent the whole afternoon here yet you feel like nothing’s changed. He is on the plane to California and you’re still confused. You still have the same questions from last week, from this morning. He’s still your constant; you just aren’t sure if you’re still his. 

Leaving doesn't always solve problems, you told yourself. You just wished you’d told him one more time. Maybe he would’ve stayed. 

#

“We’re having Spanish,” Chaewon says as you enter her apartment. “And you’re late.” She continues, turning to you with slices of apples and oranges in her hands. You could hear the laughter and the cheers from the living room. Nobody’s minding you because a soccer game is on. 

You envy their energy — why you agreed to continue to help run the cafe even with a full-time job, you don’t know, but it’s starting to take  its toll on you and all you want to do is sleep. Jungkook and the guys will soon be in full preparation mode for the start of the tour and  your superstar friend, who had now also claimed your own friends, wanted to have dinner with everyone before things got too busy.

“You cooked?” you ask, returning your gaze to her after looking out on who is already here.

“Nope. Take-out. But the Sangria is homemade.” 

“Take-out?” you repeat, excitedly,  making your way to the table to check on the food. 

“Jungkook wanted Spanish and take-out,” Chaewon confirms, as laughter roars from the living room. 

You walk over to check on everybody else who all acknowledge your presence with air fist bumps. 

“So you’ve moved past Chinese and Japanese take-out and have gone for Spanish now, huh, Jeon?” you question. He gives you his signature bunny smile from his seat on the floor. He does that quite often when he’s showing off or after he’s done something nice. 

“Hey, it’s a classy place and I get a discount. And, Chae sounded tired when I called so I took it upon myself to save dinner,” he proudly declares, standing up and motioning towards you. How cocky, you think, but you return his pinch on your cheek with a pinch on his nose.

Dinner is as fun as dinner with your friends always goes, but your hectic schedule that day made you extremely tired. After moving to the couch and a glass of Sangria later, you feel your head spinning and rest it on Jungkook’s shoulder. He notices your tired face, nudges at you and says he’s going to take you home. “Thanks, Jeon,” you murmur under your breath. “I promise I won’t puke.”

It takes a few glasses of water and a handful of profiteroles to get you sobered up and ready to head out. He helps you get in his car and you retreat to a semi-fetus position until the next corner. 

“You’re really tired, aren’t you? You’re never this quiet during a car ride. Even when you’re drunk you won’t stop talking… or singing,” he teases. “Out of tune, I might add.” 

You sit up from your sulking position. “Sometimes I just want to choke you, you know” you remark with a serious face. 

“Do you want to feel the wrath of my women?” he questions, winking, referring to his army of fans who are protective of him, and for good reason. 

“They’d probably want to do the same, only in a sexual way.” At this he laughs, shaking his head as if to say you’d done it again, teased him like this and made his cheeks blush.

The ride is a quick one for a Thursday night. You feel you haven't made fun of him enough as he pulls the brakes in front of your apartment building and immediately steps out and walks to your side before you could even thank him and say goodbye. 

He opens the door and pulls you out like it’s routine, although you clearly remember he’d brought you home when you were drunk only twice, one of which was when he’d found you half-naked in your kitchen with a knife, ready to attack him. Since then, Jungkook had made sure to never let you be that drunk again, and always made it a point to feed you sweets so you’d stay awake. 

He’s successful though — you’re sober and awake tonight. You’re just really tired. 

You unlock your apartment door and he steps in with you, goes straight to your kitchen and makes you tea. He knows that chamomile makes you sleep well, and that’s exactly what he prepares.

“So comfortable in my place already, Jeon,” you say after realizing what he’s doing. He just knows in what cupboard your mug is kept, and in which box the chamomile is stored, and how much sugar you put, but then again, he did help you quite a bit organize your kitchenware. He opens a drawer to get aspirin - “Just in case,” he says. You watch him like he had done this many times before. 

A small smile forms on your lips. 

“Look, you’re tired and I convinced you to come tonight. If you don't sleep well, you’ll wake up in a bad mood and complain to me again that your neighbor’s cat is loitering on your steps… and then you’ll blame me.”

You laugh. For someone who deals with so many people everyday, it amazes you how well he remembers things about you like that.

“I was about to say how I like hanging out with you because you make me coffee or tea…”

“You’d do the same for me, Y/N, no matter how much you want to stop yourself from doing so.” He winks at you, tastes the tea, and places it on the counter. 

You sit on the chair and feel the aroma of the tea soothe you. He stands there watching you, pleased with what he’s done. “You good?” he asks, and you nod behind your mug.

You don’t need to be taken care of, you’d told him once. You don’t need someone to be looking out for you when you’re drunk and being clumsy, when you’re busy and not eating, when you’re injured and unable to walk properly, when you’re stressed and needed a break. 

“If you don’t want me here you could always just tell me, you know?” he’d said once. “I won’t take it personally. We’re good with each other that way.” 

But you never asked him to leave. In fact, you always wanted him to stay, always asked him to.

“Ready to call it a night?” he questions, after you put down your empty mug.

You look up at him. You could feel your eyes falling and your body aching for a warm shower and your sheets. It’s been a crazy week and it isn’t even over. You want to rest, but you also don't want to be alone.

“Can you stay?” you ask, biting your lip and trying hard to pull off your puppy eyes so he’d say yes. 

“Sure,” he says. He didn’t wait for an explanation. He didn’t need one. He just understood.

You give him a warm smile. 

“I know you love my couch, but I might forget in the morning you’re here and I might stab you for real this time,” you state. “The bed’s big enough for both of us and Chandler,” you offer, referring to your hedgehog stuffed toy that’s about half your size. 

“At least I get a blanket!” he claims.   

“Thanks, Jeon.” 

A soft smile appears on his face. “Anything for you, Y/N.”

~

By the time you decide to leave the beach, the sky has already settled in a midnight blue. The waves are crashing, and from across the water, you could see lights from the small town not so far away. You think about spending the night there, or driving someplace else and sleeping in your car until the next morning. But you decide to go home, even if you know you’ll just be thinking about him more if you do.

You turn on your engine, put the windows down, and listen to the wind. You think about this morning again. You’re still in denial that he’d said what he did and the implication that you probably led him on all these months. 

But you’re convincing yourself that he couldn't pin this on you — he was always calling, he was always texting, he always wanted to be with you after a busy week, he always made it up to you when he couldn’t come over, he always stayed when you asked him to. 

You two kissed, but it was a soft one, not ravenous or lust-filled. He didn't pull away and you didn’t try to deepen it. But he looked so good after their show and he was gonna be gone for the tour and the alcohol was talking and you let it. 

You kissed again after that. There was no drunken night to blame it on the second time, but it was raining when you woke up the next day and he looked so warm and comfortable sleeping on your bed that you just felt like you had to. But he kissed you back, softly still, and he didn't say anything. He didn't pull you in for another one after. 

If he really felt anything, then he should have. He should have grabbed you and told you he wanted more, that he was feeling differently, that things were changing. He should’ve done it then or any other time after that. He was always honest with you, but you didn't understand why he wasn't honest about this one, why he decided to just stop things and leave you hanging. 

Maybe you weren’t away long enough, because you didn't even realize that you were already home until you saw your neighbor’s white sedan parked in your street. You pull the brakes and park behind it, thinking you were probably absent-minded the entire ride back. 

There’s no warm feeling inside that you’re back. This wasn’t a trip that was meant to change anything or make you figure out how to fix things. All you thought about was that you miss him terribly, and maybe that’s what it was meant for, rub in your face that he’s gone. 

You drag yourself up the stairs and enter your place. It suddenly feels like he’s everywhere in your apartment. You’d moved in last year and not even your best friends or your mom had imprinted enough of themselves inside.

There’s the cup Jungkook bought for you after he broke one of your favorites. There’s this pack of granola bars in your pantry that he got so you wouldn't have to gobble up ice cream when you were hungry. There’s the spare toothbrush he started using after his first night in. There’s your sweatshirt that he returned, and his hoodie that he said he’d get back the next time he sees you. 

And there’s the counter where you both shared take-out dinners and homemade breakfast. And there’s your couch where you spent nights working while he watched TV on mute. And there’s your bed where he’d slept next to you a few times. 

“I shouldn't have watched all those stupid chick flicks when he wasn't talking to me,” you think out loud. Now you’re left with an apartment that has him everywhere. 

You’re  not even together. You’ve shared so much of yourself to each other but never ‘I like you’s’ nor ‘I love you’s,’ not even ‘I miss you’, but why does it feel like you’ve shared all that and more? Why this sudden feeling of emptiness after he told you he had to go and then  left just like that? 

Everything you touch turns into a mess, he told you. 

Your friends joke about it all the time. Your penchant for trying anything that remotely interests you doesn’t necessarily mean you’re good at it. Whether it’s decorating those Valentine’s cookies that Hyejin bakes, molding those vases during a pottery class you impulsively signed up for, or even making pajeon when Chae said you couldn’t fry anything other than your broken-yolk eggs, you just have the tendency to end up with final products that are nothing like what you intended. In look or substance, they’re just not that pretty. Jungkook always laughed along.

But he said it to you today like it burned him. As if to say, look at what you’ve done, I don’t want to be a part of this. 

#

“So uhm, are you just going to sit there and watch us or are you going to help?” Jungkook asks from the floor of your living room, paintbrush in one hand, goodie bag in another. 

Body sprawled on your sofa with legs hanging and kicking off the armrest, you look at him with a pout. “Jaehyun doesn’t want me to.” 

Jaehyun sighs from where he’s sat on the floor. “It’s not that I don’t want to, Y/N. It’s that I can’t afford to.”

You roll your eyes. “Yeah, whatever,” bitterness apparent in your voice. 

It’s a Sunday and your friends are at your apartment to help Jaehyun decorate the goodie bags he’ll be distributing to the kids at the orphanage that he volunteers at. Twice a year, he throws them a party that requires decorating giveaway bags that contain the books and sweets he’s bought with his own money. Jungkook ended up there because, well, by now you don’t question him anymore. They had a day-off and he said he was bored.

“Jaehyun’s being kind. Y/N’s just really shit at these things so he doesn’t let her touch these,” she says, holding up a bag where she’d painted a rainbow. 

“You got the color order wrong,” you shoot at her. She responds with scowl.

“Come on, Jae. Pretty please. I promise I won’t mess them up like last time,” you plead to Jaehyun. You know he has a soft spot for you.

“You said that the last time, too” Hyejin chides. 

“Wow thanks, guys. No one’ll even pretend to be on my side, huh,” you sit up and frown at everyone.

“Y/N, we are, like, most of the time.” You glare at your friend. “But I spent my money on these and the party is already next week and I really want the kids to feel hopeful and inspired, not scared, okay? And I want them to actually keep the goodie bags, not throw them away. It’s nothing personal, I promise.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever,” you wave your hand at them and give up. 

This is a usual occurrence. You know you’re useless with anything that involves the arts that’s why your only contribution every time you guys help Jaehuyn is your apartment as a venue. 

Jungkook arrived an hour earlier with a glimmer and excitement on his face when he saw what your friends were doing, like a little kid at a candy store. He wasted no time and got right down to business. God, those kids who will get his bags would never know they were holding a goldmine. 

“So what happened the last time?” Jungkook asks. 

“She tried to draw a bear but it ended up looking like that character from the monsters cartoon, you know, the one holding its eyes?” Hyejin recalls, laughing as she recalls the proud look on your face and the distressed one on Jaehyun’s. “She tried to remedy it but like, just no. It looked terrible.” 

“No kid would feel hopeful with that,” Chaewon adds.

“I really had to do quality checks of her work and I threw them all away cause they’d gone lumpy. She didn’t even mix the paint well,” Jaehyun continues.

“Yah! I think Jungkook got the message, okay?” You start chuckling, seeing Jungkook’s amused face and his effort to not laugh along at the thought of you being shut down for something you thought was a pretty thing you created. “I’ve accepted that art isn’t my forte.”

“So is cooking, baking, pottery, organizing, arranging…” You throw Chaewon a pillow, smack to her face like she deserves.

“But seriously. Trust her to score the final point of a championship game or write a 30-page report on housewifization and its subordination of women but if it isn’t sports or research, forget it. Everything she touches turns into a mess. RIP to all the cookies and goodie bags and vases that never saw the light of day,” Hyejin dramatically claims. “It’s kind of her thing.”

You shrug. It kind of is your thing. Your unartistic, unorganized, and mindless chaotic ass, for the life of you, just can’t get it together. Clothes and shoes all over the place, gifts wrapped in frayed gift wrappers, cooked food looking inedible… relationships that crash and burn because you couldn’t decide if you wanted to care or not, because you did whatever you felt like just cause you wanted to, because you got too close and didn’t know when to pull away… Yeah, definitely.

You turned to your friends who were all back to being immersed in what they were doing, proud look on their faces at the pieces that will definitely give joy and warmth to whoever will get them.

“I just mess things up, though. At least I don’t break them.”

~

You wake up to the sound of your phone ringing in your ears, surprising you so much you almost fall off where you were lying. 

“I’m outside,” Hyejin says on the other line. You get up and open the door.

She turns to you after seeing the blanket on your couch, realizing you had slept there instead of your bed. “Too much of Jungkook in your room, huh?” she says, looking sad, not realizing there was too much of him everywhere. You had just been too tired to go to your room when you got home, but you didn’t answer. 

She takes your silence as a yes and walks to your kitchen to take out the bread and coffee she bought, then heads out to your terrace while you wash up in the bathroom. 

You sit in front of her and eat your breakfast quietly while she watches you take small bites of your cheese bread. You tell her everything that’s happened the past 24 hours — from Jimin’s call to Jungkook’s out-of-left-field outburst. 

“I think I led him on,” you say, head thrown back on the chair, eyes closed.

“Uh, you think?” Hyejin claims. 

“How come none of you ever said anything?” you ask, looking at her. Jungkook didn't say anything; your friends didn’t say anything… Were you that naïve? That selfish? That stupid? 

“Well, it’s not like you’d listen anyway,” she starts. “You always just do what you want. Like, sure constantly talk to the guy giving you heart eyes every time you look at him, go date the guy whose family is in Australia and would most likely go back and leave you, sure spend time and flirt with the insanely hot and kind and funny pop star… like there are no consequences to these things,” she unapologetically says.

“Is that so bad?” you ask. 

You don’t want to sound defensive. You don’t have the energy to really argue with anyone. 

“Come on, Y/N. Don’t tell me you didn't see this coming. With how you two were, one of you was bound to fall for the other.”

“We allowed ourselves to get that close, Hyejin, to be… this. Whatever this is. Or was. It’s not like we ever talked about it, though.” 

She raises an eyebrow at you.

“But I just figured we were both mature enough to handle the consequences. I just don't understand why it has to be this screwed up.”

She looks at you as if she’s looking right to your soul. “It’s like you ask someone to play fire with you, and you don't mind if you get burnt. You don't mind if they get burnt, too. That’s what it’s like.” 

“Getting burned is part of it. Getting hurt is part of it. I know that, and I always get over it,” you say. 

“Yeah, but the thing is, you expect the same thing from the other person, too.” 

You don’t like how right she is about all this.

“When you get hurt, you just walk away because you expect it and you accept it and then that’s it, goodbye to everything that was good. Move on to the next relationship that may or may not work out,” she continues.

You cover your face with your arms, as if somehow that’s going to be enough to make up for everything you’ve done.

“But that’s precisely why you always live in the moment, you know? To hell with being careful, or obsessing over whether or not doing something will hurt you. When you feel it that moment, you do it. And you’re okay if it hurts you, or if it leaves you with the shorter end of the stick. You get back on your feet right after anyway.”.

The day at the quad when Jinyoung broke up with you comes to mind. You didn’t even fight for it, you normally don’t; you’d rather spend that time getting over something  and moving on. 

“But Jungkook isn’t like that, Y/N,” she says, breaking you out of your thoughts. “Don't you get it? He won’t tell you he feels differently. He won’t tell you and right then and there, realizing you don't feel the same way, just accept it and get over it.”

You look back to that last morning you had together, the tangled limbs, the morning kiss, watching him get ready, the words “stay a little longer” almost slipping past your lips like always, but instead saying that it was nice and comfortable and fun. He smiled then. 

“Thanks for doing that for me; you really are a great friend,” is what you said before he left. So you weren’t dreaming the crestfallen look you saw on his face. With furrowed brows he took his phone, multiple messages probably telling him to go back to the dorm, and then he was gone. 

Your eyes widen at the memory. That’s what he was referring to. You’d been too frustrated at him ignoring you that you didn’t even bother to think of what might’ve triggered it. 

Hyejin seems to pick this up. “So are you now realizing you’re an idiot?” 

You smack her arm and she winces, deservedly so. 

“Okay, fine. I may have been one but to ignore me like that and then just leave? He waited last minute to tell me what he was feeling and then he fucking left, leaving me here confused and hurt and in agony. That’s way worse than my quick and easy,” you exclaim. 

“Sometimes people will cover up the pain rather than just say they’re hurt. Some hearts are wired that way, Y/N. Not everyone does quick and easy. Not everyone gets to accept their own feelings, and upon realizing they’re not reciprocated, moves on right away like you do.” 

You let everything sink in.

“It was my second time at that beach yesterday, you know?” You start after a long silence.

“The first time was after Jinyoung had come over to explain himself. I was already over the break up; I left to get over his reason for it. But yesterday when I was down there, all I could think about was how much I miss Jungkook. Like, it was the only thing going through my head the entire time I was there. He was always leaving but I always knew that when he got back, he’d be knocking at my door again…” you trail. You know it isn't going to be the same this time around. 

“People have their own reasons for leaving, you always say that. You can never fault them for why they choose to. You leave because you want to figure yourself out. He left because he probably didn't want to deal with what he’s feeling for you.”

Feelings. You always made sure to keep yours in check, but Hyejin was right; you also always expected the same from him.

You look out on the city and get lost in your thoughts. People always thought of you as someone who had things figured out - you know what you want from life and from those who are part of it. You’d walked away from people and let them walk away from you when you knew it had to happen. But this whole deal with Jungkook feels like unfamiliar territory. 

If it were someone else, you probably would’ve just let it go, but you keep thinking about Jungkook and the way his dimples still surprise you every time he smiles and how his laugh is so childlike and infectious it annoys you and warms your heart at the same time. 

You can't get off your head how it feels to hear him say ‘good morning’ when you wake up and find his arm gently resting on your waist, your fingers always tempted to trace the ink decorating his own. 

You warm at the thought of how he manages to make you feel better when you’re tired, how he never makes you feel hopeless when you’re being angry at all the unjust things in the world, how he reminds you of all the good there is during the times you forget. 

You think of how you don’t want to lose all that.

“Feelings…” you say. You couldn’t get used to the idea that he has them for you. 

“Do you have them too?” Hyejin finally asks. 

You were so hung up on how the past week has been, that he ignored you, that he left, that you didn't even stop to think of why, and more importantly, what you feel for him.

“I don’t know.”

“I’ve never seen you like this with anyone, though.”

“It’s because I’ve never been like this with anyone.”

“Like what?”

“Cautious?” 

“You mean, spending so much time together, constantly talking, kissing, is you being cautious?” She’s asks, incredulous.

You shrug. “It was never anything more.”

“Then why do you do them?” She snaps back.

“Because I want to? I’m always ready for him to turn me down.” It does surprise you every time he says yes to your requests, to your calls, your kisses. “But he never does.”

“But you don’t ask for anything more?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to.” 

Hyejin groans. “You’re giving me a headache.” 

“What did I say?!” 

“How can you want all of that and none of it at the same time? Seriously, you guys are like, friends with benefits without the sex…”. 

You throw her a piece of bread, scandalized with what she just said. But you laugh at this. Your friends had joked about that before; even his band mates agreed. You were everything and nothing at the same time, stuck in the grey scale that neither of you were willing to admit. Or move away from. 

“I think you just wanted everything - you wanted company, you wanted him to stay the night, you wanted to kiss, you wanted him to hold you,  you wanted to talk… You wanted to be friends.” When Hyejin says it like that, you do seem like a fool.

“But you didn’t want what those actually implied or even required from you,” she continues. “Almost like there’s this line you’ve set for both of you that only you can see.”

You sigh in frustration. You know when you drew that line, when you’d warned yourself to never cross it, when you’d promised yourself to never want more.

“I guess I always knew what I really felt… I probably just denied it or didn't want it enough,” you think out loud.

“So what now?” She finally asks the painfully obvious question. “What will you do now?”

“Wallow in my self misery and remind myself everyday that I'm an idiot,” you answer back.

“Hmm. You’re too easy on yourself,” she says.

You smack her arm again, which earns you a laugh from her. “I’m kidding! But seriously, now that everything's a little clear, what are you going to do?”

“Make things even clearer?” You sigh. “I feel like such a mess, Hyej. And he’s the one who usually cheers me up when I feel like shit but I can’t ask that from him, now can I?” You say, your body now slumped in your chair, feeling like you’re back to square one.

“You can’t and you won’t.” She walks over to you to pull you up like a big baby. “You’ve got 2 months to figure your shit out before he comes back. Better start now,” she says, as she ushers you back inside.

#

There’s continuous knocking on the door, causing you to get up from your seat on your work desk and you readied yourself to fight whoever decided to disturb your busy Saturday morning. 

You open the door and are greeted with a loud bellow, your name being sung in opera-style by a certain doe-eyed boy. 

“Jeon Jungkook, what are you doing! You’re gonna wake the neighbors,” you shout, pulling him inside.

“Your closest neighbor is an old woman who’s hard of hearing. I think we’re good,” he smiles, eyes all innocent-looking.

“What are you doing here?” You ask. It’s one of those rare Saturday’s when the guys are afforded a full day off - no practice, no show, no filming. He always looked forward to days like this, which you expect he’d spend sleeping in or exercising or playing Overwatch. 

“Got a free day,” he gleams.

“I know but what are you doing here?” 

“You’ve been cranky and whiny this whole week. And you don’t respond to my memes,” he says, pouty lips making him look like a little kid that hasn’t been given much attention.

“I told you it’s work. I’m short on time to work on my reports since I got dragged to this week-long event. But I think my brain cells have dissipated; I can’t seem to construct simple sentences anymore,” you sigh, heading for your couch to sink into. “I’m sorry for not responding to your memes.”

“I’ll forgive you only if you come with me.” 

“To where?” Your brow quirks up, finally taking in his baggy pants and loose white polo and bucket hat. “And what look are you going for with this whole get up?” You question, not missing the mismatched pieces of clothing and shades perched on his hat. 

“Something unassuming. I asked Jin hyung for advice and raided Tae’s closet,” he shrugs. 

“So what do you say? Come with me. Take a break! You won’t get any more productive being cooped up in here. Plus, artists need to go out for inspiration and you don’t seem like you’re getting it here,” he says with a smug look. You smack his arm, knowing that last bit he only said to mock you.

But it’s the words you always say to him; now he’s just saying them right back to you. “I promise to buy you snacks,” he says, reaching out his hand to you and pushing you to your room to get dressed.

And that promise he keeps. He rented a simple car so his luxurious one wouldn’t catch attention. You take a drive out of the city, sing your lungs out in the car, and go store hopping. You find supermarkets and convenience stores and little shops to look for different kinds of snacks that you both try and make reviews of. Every pretty view you see has you stopping the car and admiring the scene. 

You inhale the fresh air, something you don’t get much in the city, and you appreciate this. You get back to your place, complain about your tummy aches, laugh until you fall asleep, tangled limbs and all, but not before telling him it was the most fun you’d had in a while and your brain feels rejuvenated enough to get the reports done in the next few days. 

He falls asleep with that smile, the proud one he’d have on when you show your appreciation for him. He does like getting praises, that much you know.

You wake up to his quiet snores, cheek squished on the pillow with a hand over your waist, like always. You know you have to wake him up soon, which you do with a soft kiss, like always too. You watch him smile into the kiss and return it, until he finally opens his eyes to look at you. 

“Get up, sleepyhead. They’ll be calling you over soon,” you say. 

You watch him ready himself from your bed, still drowning in that kiss with a lazy smile on your face. You want to tell him to stay a little longer, even if you’re the one pushing him to get ready. 

You always want to say that, whether it’s walking out the door at night or getting up from your bed in the morning. You always want to ask him to stay a little bit more but you never do, thankful for whatever time he could spare you, careful not to ask for more than what he could give.

Yesterday was good. You’d been drowning in work, and you’d blown off your friends this past week and you knew that Jungkook had a busy week as well. But yesterday felt nice. He’d given up his own free day to be with you and he willingly did so, knowing that you need it without you saying it out loud. 

You had fun during the drive, and even more so exploring the store aisles, figuring out which brand of shrimp cracker or chocolate milk to get, buying all of them anyway, and excitedly opening them, finishing it all up and proceeding to give your review like those YouTubers you both liked to watch. 

It always feels like this with him, but you had been so tired and drained that being with him yesterday just made you feel so happy. It showed with how you constantly leaned into him, how you rested your head on his shoulder as he was deciding on the size of banana milk he would buy, knowing he’d be resting his head on yours as a response. 

You were missing physical affection and he was always willing to give you that, and you liked that he never seemed to ask for more. You’d initiate and he’d return, you’d pull and he’d let you, no questions asked. It felt comfortable enough, you thought. You didn’t have to explain yourself or your actions. It just always seemed like a given. 

He’d said that he was dealing with a lot already as a pop star, that stuck with you and you knew from then on it was code for him not wanting to get into a relationship, and despite having being single for a little over a year already, you had too much going on in your life too that you didn’t really need any commitments at this point. You were on the same page, for sure.

It was nice and comfortable and fun, that’s what you tell him. You’re referring to the day you had, and what it’s like with him too, in general. You watch him pull his gray hoodie over his head. The black one, his favorite, you’d worn the night before, and you hug yourself to say you don’t want to return it yet. 

He chuckles, “Fine. I’ll get it back the next time I see you.” You like his scent, but you’d never say this to him too.

You stand up to head to the kitchen, feeling refreshed and ready to be productive for the rest of the week. You know it had so much to do with the previous day, as if the laughter and smiles you had made up for that entire week when you barely did either. You give him a quick hug. “Thanks for that, Jungkook. You really are  a great friend.”

His face falls a little bit, as he clutches onto his phone to check the multiple messages probably telling him to go back home. You don’t think much of it. When you turn back to him, he’s gone.

~

part 1 drabble <<>> part 2 drabble

series masterlist

[hlupdate]

The relationship between A-list muse and lauded designer is nothing new. But few have been as serendipitous that of Harry Styles and Alessandro Michele: the pop star’s solo career coincided neatly with the designer hitting his stride as the game-changing creative director of Gucci. Theirs is a mutually beneficial partnership that has elevated the former to new echelons of style, while the latter has become something of an icon to an unexpected fandom.

Unlike the large-scale productions of recent show seasons, Michele first presented his vision for Gucci with a quietly confident collection on 19 January 2015 — reportedly pulled together in just five turbo-charged days. The collection had all the signifiers of the retro-inspired aesthetic that has since become Michele’s beat, introducing the fur-lined loafers, pussy-bow blouses and florals that still form the backbone of his work today. A 20-year-old Harry, meanwhile, was still a long-haired One Direction member set to embark on the band’s biggest ever — and as it turned out last— tour. Just as One Direction’s days were winding down, Michele was picking up speed. Gucci reported a five per cent rise in sales in the last three months of 2015, amounting to 1.1 billion Euro in the final quarter.

Stylist Harry Lambert, who had been working with Harry for a few years by then, decided it was time for the boy-bander to try something new. A floral suit – that floral suit – from Michele’s spring/summer 2016 collection would be just the ’fit for the American Music Awards in November 2015, they decided.

Looking back it was a “very bold move,” Lambert admits. Styles was the first to take one of Michele’s full menswear looks from the Gucci catwalk and wear it on the red carpet. “It was very exciting to see everyone’s responses, but also how great he looked in it,’’ Lambert told Miss Vogueof what he still views as a turning point in his client’s fashion journey. This winning suit encouraged Styles and Lambert to pull more Gucci, and Harry gave his final performance as a member of One Direction wearing a suit in the retro petal print that defined Michele’s early collections.

In fact, Gucci was just about the only thing that the 1D alum carried over to his solo career. Even his shoulder-length curls were shorn. The music videos that accompanied Styles’s eponymous number one album, released in April 2017, all incorporated Gucci, as did his appearances on the promo trail. A navy tailored coat floats through the sky in the video for “Sign Of The Times”, and he wears floral tailoring in the clip for “Kiwi”. When the time came for Harry to take his record on the road, he wore countless bespoke Gucci suits on stage. Most were floral brocade with flared trousers, and paired with pussy-bow shirting.

By June 2018, the relationship had been formalised. Styles was revealed – in a series of photos taken by Glen Luchford in the suitably English setting of a chip shop – as the face of Gucci’s tailoring campaign. Two more campaigns followed, in which Styles models the most exuberant of Michele’s creations without ever sacrificing his schoolboy cheekiness, not even with a lamb slung around his shoulders. The campaigns, two by Luchford, a third by Harmony Karine, helped to usher in a new dawn in menswear advertising.

A year later Harry was unveiled as part of a diverse line-up in the campaign for Gucci’s Mèmoire D’une Odeur — the near century-old house’s first gender-neutral scent. Yes, he was the main event, but Styles shared the spotlight with other creatives in what became an unavoidable campaign, covering buildings, beauty counters, column inches and iPhone wallpapers across the globe. Styles has since quipped that he wears it to bed,making a bottle a necessary purchase for even half-dedicated Harry fans.

That Harry’s work with Gucci has proved so popular with his dedicated fanbase is a key component in the success of their collaborations. Though — and again, this is likely owing to Harry’s own allegiances — his followers do tend to have a keen interest in fashion compared to other fandoms, it’s down to their idol that Harries know the artistic director by his first name alone. “It is really exciting for us fans to see another facet of Harry as a creative individual, and his Gucci partnership cultivates that and gives us an even more in-depth perspective of who he is,” Nadhila, a 26-year-old fan in Indonesia told Miss Vogue.

Nadhila, who has been a part of the team behind the Twitter account @HSNewsUpdate since 2011, believes that the fluid nature of Michele’s vision has contributed to the interest in Harry’s Gucci looks. “There are no boundaries on what he might come up with, so fans are always excited to see what look [Harry] might step out in next,” she says. Styles’s efforts to be a fan-focused, ethical pop star – his motto is “treat people with kindness” – are relevant, too. “He has inspired us to be bold, unique and unafraid to experiment when it comes to fashion,” she adds. “He has shown us that there is no such thing as too feminine or too masculine, we can be both and we can be ourselves.”

Another of Harry’s biggest fan accounts, @TheHarryNews, is run by four women in their mid-twenties: Annie, Océane, Lena and Rachel. “You can really see the confidence he’s gotten from working with Gucci,” they share collectively over email. “[He’s] taking more risks and letting more of himself show… In a lot of ways we’ve seen Harry really come into his own. I think that really resonates with people, especially his fans, who get tiny pieces of [who he really is] through fashion.”

Two fans who have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of this fashion partnership are the transatlantic duo behind @HSFashionArchive. Since April 2016, London-based Lu and Washington DC-based Alex have documented every look worn by Harry in meticulous detail, all to act as “a resource for fans”. Its posts lets his followers know how they might go about procuring these items, but also sheds light on key house codes – thus enabling fans to quickly identify which of Harry’s looks are Gucci, and which aren’t. “We have noticed that fans buy the Gucci pieces that Harry has worn,” 29-year-old Alex explained. “Though some pieces are pricey, we’ve seen people buy the loafers, boots, and bags that Harry has sported over the years. Lots of our followers bought the £34 Gucci lipsticks he wore in Beauty Papers.”

The pair believes that the relationship works because Gucci is able to offer Harry such a broad spectrum of looks to choose from. “Gucci’s looks range from wearable to outrageous, so Harry’s continued partnership with Gucci guarantees both attainable style and flashy moments. There’s nothing like seeing him in a wild new outfit that we couldn’t have anticipated.” And though one might assume the scene-stealing suits are most popular with fans, according to Nadhila, they like his low-key looks best, given that “they show a more casual and intimate look into who he is as a ‘normal’ person”.

Of course, there is a notable exception: the 2019 Met Gala. For the opening evening of the “Camp: Notes On Fashion” exhibition Michele and Harry acted as co-hosts, and arrived on the pink carpet together. “After such a colourful tour wardrobe it was nice to do something a little unexpected,” Lambert told Miss Vogue of the black blouse Styles wore. “[It was about] taking traditionally feminine elements like the frills, heeled boots, sheer fabric and the pearl earring, but then rephrasing them as masculine pieces set against the high-waisted tailored trousers and his tattoos. Camp, but still Harry.” Lambert explained at the time: “We met up earlier this year to share mood boards with the Gucci team. We had pages of printed references all on the table from Alessandro, myself and Harry, then we edited them down.” Today, the @HSFashionArchive duo agree the night “was a massive deal amongst fans”.

There was the now pearl earring-wearing fashion darling of the music world, standing alongside the closest thing to a rockstar the fashion industry has at present. “I love dressing up and he loves dressing up,” Michele told The Face in 2019. “The moment I met him, I immediately understood there was something strong around him. I realised he was much more than a young singer. He was a young man, dressed in a thoughtful way, with uncombed hair and a beautiful voice. I thought he gathered within himself the feminine and the masculine.”

Since the Met, the relationship has continued to go from strength to strength. Styles wore a custom look on the cover of his second record, Fine Line, shot by Tim Walker, and Michele and Styles collaborated on a T-shirt to coincide with it, with a percentage of the sales going to the Global Fund For Women. Gucci’s high-waisted trousers, cropped blazers and dazzling shirting now takes up even more space in Styles’s wardrobe, and bring as much attention to the star as his sophomore record’s commercial and critical success.

Sightings of Styles in Gucci have become a source of comfort for fans in a turbulent 2020. From his Mary-Janes at the Brits to his oversized turquoise blazer and crochet gloves in the “Golden” video, by way of outré sunglasses and floral sunglasses in the clip for “Watermelon Sugar”, Harry’s recent sartorial choices have managed to be pleasingly familiar, while simultaneously keeping his followers on their toes.

A bit like the chicken and the egg conundrum, the question remains: is Harry very Gucci, or is Gucci very Harry? The verdict is out. But without each other, both might be missing a little something.

[lightwoodsmagic]

Hi! So I agree Liam is queer, and the pink🔺in his video compels me not to ignore it. I saw one of your Ziam posts making its rounds after the SIU video, so I thought you were the person to ask. I only joined the fandom after Zayn left, and I’ve always had a hard time finding info on why and how that played out at the time (nobody seems to agree). Could you elaborate (or link to previous posts) on why you think Ziam is still a thing, and how they are telling us? Thanks for your insight so far!

 Hi anon! 

Thank you so much for thinking of me! I’m sorry it’s taken me a little while to answer, but it took me a bit to gather all the info I wanted (while I should’ve been working oop).

Okay, please know that this post is gonna be loooooong, so I’ve popped it under the cut.

You’re right about nobody agreeing on Zayn leaving the band, and it makes sense that people have differing views. It’s such a complicated thing; there was a lot happening at the time. 

I’m going to start by saying there’s a brilliant masterpost about Zayn leaving here. It’s incredibly detailed, talks about pretty much every aspect of it, and there’s so much to look into. It’s also wonderful to demonstrate how much the boys and Zayn still hinted at things and loved each other, like Harry using Zayn’s mic one night, Liam talking about him fondly in interviews, Niall still calling him by his nickname, and Louis wearing his clothes.

It’s a long read, but incredibly worth it, as it this stunting timeline.

Everyone is absolutely entitled to their opinion, so I’ll just give you mine. I’m gonna keep it (kind of) short though. A lot of what I’m about to say can be found in the masterposts I’ve linked above.

I believe that Zayn leaving was out of his control, and was never completely his decision. I believe that he was set to return, but for some reason, the plan changed. Mind of Mine was apparently written before he left, and while I think he would’ve been working on solo music before he left (and that all of them were to some extent), to tease an album right after the announcement that he left makes no sense. A contract like the one that 1D had/has with Syco would cost an obscene amount of money to get out of, and Zayn’s net worth didn’t change at all. They made it seem so simple in the very few interviews with Zayn afterwards, saying he just called his security, got on a plane, and left. I think Zayn struggled a lot with everything, they all did, but I don’t think he could’ve just left. There were articles put out about his new album that mentioned Simco and everything, but when people pointed out that it didn’t make sense with the narrative that Simon felt ‘betrayed’, the references were removed straight away. 

There’s also a very solid theory that MoM was counted as One Direction’s sixth and final contracted album, and it really stands up. Check it out! 

Look. There’s a lot to unpack with the whole situation, and I’ve hardly touched on it at all, but I really do encourage you to look into it with everything I’ve linked above  💞

Okay, now onto the second part of your ask! 

Ziam. My loooovveesss.  

I’m going to start by saying that there’s a lot of ways that Liam and Zayn have hinted that they’re still together, and honestly? The boys ain’t even subtle about it. I’ll start by talking about heaps of ways they’ve done that since Zayn left!

Alright, let’s start with the fact that they WILL NOT STOP LIKING, REBLOGGING, AND RETWEETING POSTS FROM ZIAM ACCOUNTS. 

(x) (x)

These aren’t subtle Ziam accounts, and it’s not just these examples. This also isn’t just something in the past; that bottom right one references Stack It Up.

They’ve also both reposted fanart from a well known Ziam where each drawing referenced the other one. 

(x)

The Zayn art says ‘Love Payne’ on the beanie. Well then. 

And the Liam one? That he posted on his personal insta? The artist added the ‘love’ tattoo from Zayn’s hand onto Liam’s. It’s obvious, and it’s not like Liam wouldn’t have noticed that suddenly there was a new tattoo added ON HIS OWN HAND. 

Not very subtle, hey.

It’s also not the only shady social media activity related to the boys  👀

There was the time that Liam explained why he’d written ‘personally’ twice in a thank you post in his insta story to Bvlgari. 

But he hadn’t. What had happened was that Twitter account @TheZiamNews had made a small mistake, and had actually written it twice. The only explanation was that Liam saw it on a Ziam update page VERY quickly, thought he had made the original mistake, and then explained. Interesting that Liam keeps up to date with them. 

There was also the time Liam blocked an account for talking absolute shit about Zayn, or when Herbie Critchlow (a producer from Icarus Falls) retweeted a tweet about Common being about Ziam. Also can’t forget Brandon Colbein posting on insta about some songs he’d written, and somehow there was one for Zayn and one for Liam. 

Oh, and when Liam’s friend Andy (who seems to…split the fandom, but alas) posted a video of him listening to Icarus Falls, or every single mirroring insta post Liam and Zayn can’t seem to help making.

And their eyebrow slits! 😊 this goes allllll the way back to One Direction days.

(x)

Now, this is a constant, recurring thing for them over the years.

It’s usually at the same time, and it usually signifies something. 

Zayn went ALL OUT one day, just after Z*gi ‘broke up’, and put a slit in his eyebrow, but it wasn’t a normal one. It was in the shape of an L. That fucking sap. Not to be outdone though, Liam popped a lil’ Z in the graphics for his show last year in Japan. 

SAPS, THE BOTH OF THEM.

Now, jewellery. 

OOOOOF are we in for it now. You’re probably regretting this ask already. 

Cartier. 

Say that single word around someone who believes in Ziam and you’ve lost them forever. 

Back in 2015 (so yes, a while ago but bear with me) during the OTRA tour, Zayn suddenly started wearing a gold Cartier bracelet. It was interesting because Zayn didn’t wear bracelets at the time. It was particularly interesting because Liam had been seen earlier that day with jewellery bags buying a present. Curious.

Or obvious. 

Either or. 

A similar thing happened when Zayn attended the ‘Straight Outta Compton’ premiere, one of his first appearances after he left the band. He was wearing a Hublot watch, which was also interesting because Zayn didn’t wear watches either. 

But GUESS WHERE LIAM HAD BEEN 2 DAYS BEFORE THE PREMIERE?

You’re damn right, anon. It was Hublot.

Now, the Cartier love bracelet. 

This picture was posted when Liam was getting ready for the Brits in 2017. For those that don’t know, the Cartier love bracelet has little screws, and can only be undone with a little gold screwdriver that comes with it. 

Liam wore it everywhere that year, and so often. It didn’t make sense for it to be ‘given to him by Ch*ryl’, because they would’ve used every opportunity to show that damn screwdriver. 

But they didn’t, because she didn’t have it. Zayn did. 

There’s also the other matching bracelets they’ve worn by Alexander McQueen.

And also the other time Zayn wore Cartier in his film clip, or the fact that Zayn started wearing a ring on his right ring finger that was sold and marketed by Cartier AS A WEDDING RING. 

They also share watches if Zayn decides to wear one, because they’re cute like that.

Now, they also share clothes. 

So many clothes, ohmygod. 

(x)

A prime example of this actually happened just last year! TWICE! IN NYC WHEN LIAM WAS THERE (obviously to see his husband). Both times, Liam was out and about wearing two of Zayn’s jackets. 

It’s also absolutely not a coincidence that when Zayn was staying at G*gi’s apartment on Bond Street, Liam stayed at a hotel a few minutes away a number of times, but when Zayn moved to Soho, Liam suddenly switched hotels to one in Soho, a few minutes away from Zayn’s new place. Just can’t stay away from an old band mate you hardly talk to, hey. 

Also can’t ignore Liam wearing numerous Kooples shirts during the time Zayn was doing promotional stuff for them. Husbands givin’ gifts.

 NYC isn’t the only city that relates to Ziam though! 

Ahhhhhhhh. Ziami. What a time, what a time, what a time (for you and I).

Anyway. 

At the start of last year, Liam and Zayn were both in Miami at the same time filming music videos for Let Me and Familiar respectively, arriving either at the same time or a day apart. It was at a time when Zayn was all over his socials, posting poems and selfies and generally being his relaxed, gorgeous self, which wasn’t incredibly common for a while. 

People were convinced they could hear Zayn in one of Liam’s insta stories, talking in the background just before Liam realises and raises his voice. It’s definitely not firm though, and Liam has someone in his team with a similar accent, but I’ve linked it so you can judge for yourself! Regardless, we knew they were both there, but it was a fun lil’ talking point!

Anyway, according to people who live in the area and know the coastline, they were in the same area at the same time, and we also knew that Liam wasn’t with Ch*ryl because she was back in the UK. Now, Liam posted an Instagram story the next morning half naked in bed, his 4 tattoo (we’ll get to that) and roses on full display, and saying he’d wrecked his voice. 

Well then. 

He also posted this. 

It was a video, but it was Liam, in his room ‘alone’ with two desserts for breakfast at a time when we knew Zayn was there and no one else was, and he suddenly had no voice. 

Okay okay, we get it. 

They also consistently reference the number 25, and honestly, no one knows why the fuck.

Just casually on Liam’s jackets and shoes, Zayn’s shoes and a shirt that was sold (even the red and yellow, ffs Zayn), and also Zayn’s NECK, which he got in 2018. There was also chevrons on a collection for Zayn, just like Liam’s tattoos.

Speaking of tattoos Zayn got in 2018. 

That big, red wolf on his chest just up there?

One of the biggest Ziam things to ever happen. 

Red was Liam’s mic colour in 1D, everything they fucking do seems to be related to red, and Liam’s nickname is Wolfie because he’s from Wolverhampton. 

It’s a red wolf, directly on his chest, and it’s 100% for Liam. It’s not the only red wolf tattoo Zayn has; he also has one on his leg with feathers, just like Liam’s feather tattoo. 

The media often talk about the eyes Zayn has underneath that, and that they’re for G*gi, but the eyes underneath are so much lighter than the surrounding ink, the shape fits easily, and to me, it seems clear they’ve been done in a way that they can easily be inked over. It was designed for a cover up, and hopefully it’s coming. Zayn also has Liam’s name literally inked into his skin. 

They also have coordinating hand tattoos. The mandala on Zayn’s hand and the roses on Liam’s are explained brilliantly in this post. The two of these together mean ‘Symbol of Eternity’. Fucking hell. 

The three roses on Liam’s hand also translates to ‘I love you’. FUUUCCCKKKKKKK.

Liam also wore a ring for a while, until he was forced to take it off, but then he rebelled anyway, and got this.

It’s important because not only is it on his wedding finger, it’s also what he said about it, and when he got it. 

Now, not only is 4 as an angel number about changing the only things that you can in a situation, but Liam directly said that’s what it was. He can’t wear a wedding ring, so he did the next best thing. 

It also came when Liam and Ch*ryl became ‘official’, and when he’d already quashed marriage twice in an interview. Interesting choice, then. He also spoke of the 4 and a ring forming a halo, but still somehow shut down marriage talk? 

…….okay then. 

Some incredibly brilliant people pointed out that it also came just before Valentine’s Day.

And just before he started wearing the Cartier bracelet from earlier. 

There’s also the blatant references to a gorgeous, loving relationship throughout Icarus Falls, especially in Common and There You Are. There You Are was pushed as a Z*gi song, but people realised it was impossible when they found old pictures of the name of the song on his original plan for Mind of Mine, and realised it just hadn’t made that album. It doesn’t fit their timeline at all, but it does fit Ziam.

We don’t see Zayn very much at the moment, and I’m glad that he’s taking his time just doing what he’s doing! It does mean that we hardly see them interact or reference each other much, but I have absolutely no reason to believe they’ve broken up. The fact that they’re both still going through PR relationship bullshit, and the timing of Liam getting a ‘girlfriend’ right now instead of just rumours is very interesting to me, because Z*gi officially finished again not that long ago. When one is ‘single’, the other can’t be, it seems. 

This isn’t even everything, anon. They’re not subtle; Zayn just isn’t in the public eye as much. 

Everything they do screams love, devotion, and commitment to each other. 

And it’s fucking gorgeous.

[dreamings-free]

How Harry Styles Became A Modern Style Icon

by Phoe­be Luck­hurst - Evening Standard 15/11/19

A man wrought in the fires of teenage boy­band hy­per-stardom is not afraid of a lit­tle commotion. Still when Harry Styles — the One Di­rec­tion mat­inée idol turned lan­guid Gen Z icon — tweeted, at 1.01 pm GMT on Wed­nes­day af­ter­noon, that he would be tak­ing his up­com­ing album Fine Line on tour, you could, if at­tuned to the cor­rect de­mo­graphic fre­quency, hear the howl echo around the in­ter­net: gut­tural, hun­gry, ul­u­lat­ing. This was a pseudo-re­li­gious experience: one vi­ral meme de­picted the Pope hold­ing a copy of his al­bum aloft. The announce­ment has been retweeted al­most 70,000 times.

The 25-year old is a tour vet­eran — he spent five years and five al­bums strapped to the thunder­ing 1D jug­ger­naut — but this new tour is his first as a bona fide solo brand. The al­bum, his first in two years, is synth-soaked and soul­ful, the al­bum’s aes­thetic fever­-dreamy. Granted, he’s not the first per­son to go to So­Cal, try a few magic mush­rooms and de­clare him­self radically trans­formed, but the re­sults are be­guil­ing — and cer­tainly a world away from his years as a Simon Cow­ell Ken doll. Since his last record, he has co- hosted t he Met Gala and been reborn as an Alessan­dro Michele muse. This is your Styles crib sheet.

Melody maker

Styles’s new al­bum — writ­ten un­der a tie-dye mist af­ter tak­ing the afore­men­tioned psychedelics, which also re­sulted in a mishap in which he bit off the tip of his tongue — is “all about hav­ing sex and feel­ing sad”, which, granted, as a topline, does not wildly dif­fer­en­ti­ate the record from the genre of “al l other mu­sic ever”. Still, the early signs for Fine Line are encouraging. Its first sin­gle, Lights Up—which has been streamed al­most 100 mil­lion times on Spo­tify —is­ synth-y, soul­ful, un­der­stat­edly an­themic, very dif­fer­ent to, and bet­ter than, the lead sin­gle on his last solo record, the Seven­ties, soft-rock Sign of the Times( it still, of course, hit No 1), and very, very dif­fer­ent from any­thing he did with 1D. Many thou­sands of words have been writ­ten about whether there is a bi­sex­ual sub­text to Lights Up. It has been noted that the song was re­leased on Na­tional Com­ing Out Day, that Styles’s sex­u­al­ity has been sub­ject to fren­zied specu­la­tion be­fore, the video fea­tures an oiled-up, top­less Styles gy­rat­ing around men and women, and that the lyrics (“Shine, I’m not ever go­ing back/ Shine, step into the light”) could be in­ter­preted as a mean­ing­ful rev­e­la­tion of sorts. Cer­tainly, he has be­come a queer icon — especially with Gen Z — who are thrilled by his se­lec­tion of gen­derqueer singer-song­writer King Princess as his sup­port act for the Euro­pean part of his tour. Speak­ing of col­lab­o­ra­tors, Styles worked on the al­bum with pro­duc­ers Tyler John­son, who has worked with Tay­lor Swift, Mi­ley Cyrus and Ed Sheeran, and Jeff Bhasker, who has collabo­rated wit h Mark Ron­son and Kanye West, and his friend, Tom Hull, aka Kid Har­poon, who co-wrote Shake It Out for Florence + The Ma­chine. He has also been granted a fairy god­mother: Ste­vie Nicks, who called him her “lit­tle muse” at Fleetwood Mac’s hyped Wembley head­line gig i n J une. “S he’s a l ways there for you,” Styles has said in the past. “She knows what you need: ad­vice, a lit­tle wis­dom, a blouse, a shawl.” Sure.

Got Styles

Any young man raised in the white heat of a boy­band spot­light must be granted the space to find his fash­ion path; Styles has done so with no mis­steps and ex­u­ber­ant plea­sure. Once upon a time, he would sem­a­phore his in­di­vid­u­al­ity with a ban­dana; now, he turns up to a cover interview with Rolling Stone in a white floppy hat, blue denim bell-bot­toms and Gucci shades, his nails coloured pink and green. His favourite trousers, un­til he lost them on the beach, were a pair of mus­tard cor­duroy flares; this week, he wore a Lan­vin sweater vest with a sheep de­sign that sent a co­terie of Lon­don menswear stylists into throes of ec­stasy. He wears flo­ral suits and Cuban heels, ruf­fled, New Ro­man­tic shirts, Charles Jef­frey jump­suits and pussy- bow blouses. It is flam­boy­ant, self-con­sciously Bowie/Jag­ger, and in Gen Z par­lance, “very ex­tra”. His stylist Harry Lam­bert is par­tial to an ex­trav­a­gant col­lar, dra­matic neck­line and a vo­lu­mi­nous trouser.

Be­sides Lam­bert, an­other part of this evo­lu­tion has been his re­la­tion­ship with Gucci’s cre­ative di­rec­tor Michele, who has turned the Ital­ian her­itage brand into the ul­ti­mate post-gen­der lux­ury fash­ion la­bel, the first to merge their menswear and wom­enswear, and dis­patch male mod­els down the cat­walk in dresses and women in suits. A good look for a Gen Z idol.

With the brand

Notably, the brand­ing on this al­bum and its tour art­work is con­sis­tent with this new look Styles. The al­bum cover fea­tures Styles i n white cus­tom- made Gucci bell bot­toms and a Pep­to Bismol-pink shirt, open al­most to the waist, shot by mod-goth Tim Walker with a fish­eye lens (it is Walker’s hand in that S&M glove you can see in the left-hand cor­ner). In the dreamy video for Lights Up he wears a glit­tery suit and sus­penders, in a sort of hal­lu­ci­na­tory ver­sion of Satur­day Night Fever. Into it.

Stand up

Then there’s his voice — not the mu­sic, but the ac­tivism. Even as one-fifth of a boy­band manufac­tured by Cow­ell’s al­go­rithm, he was quick, quippy and itch­ing to go off-mes­sage; but now that he con­trols his own, he is am­pli­fy­ing causes such as Black Lives Mat­ter and End Gun Violence. He wore stick­ers for both on his gui­tar on his last tour, which might sound small, except that photographs of Styles gal­lop around the dig­i­tal world at hy­per­speed. At con­certs, he has waved pride, bi and trans flags, and a Black Lives Mat­ter flag. He once bor­rowed a flag from an au­di­ence mem­ber at a show in Philadel­phia that read, “Make Amer­ica Gay Again”. At a show on his last tour, he de­clared: “If you are black, if you are white, if you are gay, if you are straight, if you are trans­gen­der — who­ever you are, who­ever you want to be, I sup­port you.”

A vo­cal, en­gaged fan­dom of teenage girls minted his mul­ti­mil­lion-pound for­tune; he is loyal and ad­mir­ing of their zeal. “They’re the most hon­est — es­pe­cially if you’re talk­ing about teenage girls, but older as well,” he told Rolling Stone this sum­mer. “They have that bull­shit de­tec­tor. We’re so past that dumb out­dated nar­ra­tive of ‘Oh, these peo­ple are girls, so they don’t know what they’re talk­ing about.’ They’re the ones who know what they’re talk­ing about. They’re the peo­ple who lis­ten ob­ses­sively. They f***ing own this shit. They’re run­ning it.” Ob­vi­ously, he’s a fem­i­nist. “Of course men and women should be equal. I don’t want credit for be­ing a fem­i­nist. I think the ideals of fem­i­nism are pretty straight­for­ward.” An icon is born.

[jlf23tumble]

My 1D-related fic faves of 2019

I've read a TON of great fic this year in all kinds of fandoms, Jeeeeeeeeeesus, there are so many talented writers out there, but I won't list it all here (or even list everything I bookmarked this year). Instead, I'm gonna stick with 1D-related works released in 2019 that pulled me in hard and made me stare at the wall and/or read again and/or scream about with other people, and I'll try to do it in cutesie number order because WHY NOT make it that extra level of arbitrary, lmao. I love fanfic because no matter what fandom I'm dipping in, something new is gonna jump up and kill me (this year in particular, I've subscribed to a lot of "new to me" writers that I LOVE, and I hope you know who you are [do you know who you are, etc.]). Thank you for the free gifts, for your time, for your blood, sweat, and tears! I owe you hugs, coffee, and my undying love, gratitude, and support! I'll put my list under the cut to avoid some v. v. real screen scroll rage--happy new year, y'all!

2 lactation kink fics

(aka the Jaerie category, nobody else is out there writing this even as Harry's tits get bigger and milkier and why am I the only one fully appreciating all of it?????)

I Think You're Already Home, by jaerie, Seeing Louis Tomlinson today, it would be hard to guess that he was ever once a member of the world's most famous boyband. These days he doesn't even the leave his own house. The truth is he can't leave his own house. (a December gift to remember for all of us! a/b/o dynamics, famous Louis, omega Harry--which is practically canon at this point--crippling agoraphobia, lactation-related sexiness, I would read at least ten (10) more chapters of this)

freaks from the internet, by jaerie. Harry sells his breast milk to freaks on the internet. Louis turns out to be one of those freaks. He also happens to be Harry's ex. (I legit can't believe this came out this year, I rec it all the time! it was anon for forever, and I was low-key obsessed because I just wanted mawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr of it, and I got it, thank CHRIST)

3 fics for meeeeeeee

(These works were gifts to me, and I am so truly hashtag blessed to receive!!!)

I Just Wanna Taste It, by @homosociallyyours​. In his mind it's watermelon and sticky strawberry sweet, and he craves the feeling of his own round, firm belly warm under his hands on a summer evening. (Megan loves to kill me with Harry mpreg imaginings, and this one feels like canon to me!)

Powerless (and I Don't Care It's Obvious), by objectlesson/ @alienfuckeronmain​. He should not be getting turned on by Harry’s full-bladder discomfort, his little twitches, his hips-stuttering. And yet. (AND YET!!! I don't even know where to start with how much I love Phoenix, what a treasure her work is in ANY fandom, how shitty this particular fandom has been to her, how much I'm gonna miss harry/louis fic gifts from her in the future, how HOT this pee kink fic is in general, dot dot dot)

Tuxedo Classic Dance Party, by Blake/ @newleafover​. Instead of flying out to meet his touring boyfriend in Madrid, Louis sticks around to be responsible and do things like dance at Lady Gaga night at the gay cowboy club in West Hollywood. (Blake has written at least five fics in various fandoms that I would say are my favorite fics of all time, but they really topped themselves with this one!)

4 fic series

(I feel like there are probably loads more that qualify, but these ones grabbed me in their own particular way)

Not That Gone, by abrighteryellow/ @a-brighter-yellow​. Louis’s 20-year high school reunion takes a turn when a celebrity classmate – who also happens to be Louis’s long unrequited crush – unexpectedly shows up. (this was inspired by Chris Evans, and both parts stand on their own, tbh)

Maybe I Miss You, by 13ways. Louis is on his way back to London after the Hits Live Birmingham concert. Harry is flying to New York for the Met Gala. They connect. (from the very first story in this series, I was HOOKED, canon angst that builds up to something truly wonderful)

There's something I want to try..., by TheMagicWord. Harry wants to try something. Louis's not convinced. Until he is. (the installments are super short, super hot)

One More Time Again, by orphan_account. On the morning of his second sold-out performance at Madison Square Garden, Harry wakes up to find that he's sixteen years old, on The X Factor, and that he has a chance to make things right. (I'm sad that this author orphaned, but I seem to recall her getting a TON of shit, which is unfortunate because this is a great read, and part two is an imagining where Louis goes back instead)

5 fics featuring holidays

(These ones are basically from Christmas and Halloween of this year, so quite recent!!)

once bitten and twice shy, by @pinkcords​. In a rush of bravery only senior year can bring, Harry confesses his feelings in a letter to his neighbor and best friend, Louis, only for the entire school to hear it and laugh him out of their small town in Wisconsin. (the notes on this one blew me away: first-time author, pinch-hitting for a fest, and damn, a knock out)

you've set my soul to dreaming, by we_are_the_same. Thirty-year-old Harry Styles goes to bed single on Christmas Eve, only to wake up on Christmas morning with a husband in his bed and a son down the hall. (I'm not always into this trope, but when it's done well? NICE, and this one did it well)

when half spent was the night, by @juliusschmidt​. I’ve skimmed your website and am interested in hiring you to be my doula. I’m 7 ½ months pregnant and not keen to do this whole labor and birth thing alone. After looking around, I thought you might be a good fit. (girl direction advent fic with pregnant Louis that’s incredibly well done, especially given how short it is, I was so sad to see it end, but the author says something about act II coming??? YES!!!)

Fictober 2019 Collection, by flowercrownfemme/ @lesbianiconharrystyles​. Features lots of monsters and creatures and Harry Styles being a general nightmare as well as a few Girl Direction drabbles and a timestamp for Fool For You and one for Treat Mothman With Kindness. (Chloe's Halloween drabbles, each of which could outrival other stories 4x the length...she's a GIFT)

Cat & Mouse, by jaerie. It's the one day out of the year that Harry doesn't have to hide and can be himself — at least he thought so. Louis is just a little more observant than he anticipated. (I'm not a big hybrid fic fan, BUT GOD THIS STORY IS SO GOOD, it's so short I wanna cry, but so good!!!)

6 a/b/o fics

(I can handle "traditional" a/b/o if it gives me my dose of omega Harry, but I absolutely adore "untraditional" a/b/o, you know, where it actually is NOT about straight dynamics being put on a m/m or f/f couple (excuse me, a/a or o/o)...these ones NAIL IT, as did the entire gaybo ficfest)

violence of my own touch, by 14hrflight/ @silverfoxlouis​. Louis hasn’t said anything, but Harry knows something is wrong. Harry’s rut had ended a few days ago, and Louis had kept him under as best as he could. (whenever I read Chi's alpha/alpha fics, I find myself internally screaming "CHI!!!" god, do they Get It, and I really hope they continue this one!)

Amor Victorious, by HappyPrincess/ @pattern-pals​. Louis finds himself following Harry on a journey through Italy, complete with long train rides, greasy food, naked Christs, and too many lingering touches. They're definitely not like other tourists and he definitely doesn't have a crush on his best friend who happens to be an alpha, too. (this one came out during Thanksgiving week, so I held it to savor, and BOY, DID I SAVOR, it's so incredible, the gorgeous writing, the visceral, indescribable feeling of reading it, sighhhhhhh)

do you know me by heart, by HappyPrincess/ @pattern-pals​. Harry comes back wearing alphas' scents, a pleased smile and a lace dress. Somehow, Louis still ends up making him come until he cries. (for me personally, 2019 was the year of Nina: getting to know them, catching up on all their writing, falling in love with the way they can kill us all with beautiful angst and the hint and hope of redemption...here's a tissue, you'll need it!!)

the way that you're thrilling me, by @hereforlou​. Alphas were smelly and cocky and mostly arseholes, in Harry’s experience. Or at least they were at school. He didn’t understand how his friends—lovely, soft-skinned, sweet-smelling omegas—could actually want to touch them, or be touched by them. (this is just one of the many, MANY faves I had from the gaybo ficfest, A+ all around)

Constant Debauchery, by Blake/ @newleafover​. Harry is an alpha who loves getting his mouth knotted by other alphas. Louis is happy to serve. Fun smut! But also angst and sexual awakenings. (Blake knows how to sum up their writing, lol, but YEAH, me as at least one of the comments both public and private saying they'd want to read 100k more of this)

how many nights did I crash against the waves, by Blake/ @newleafover​ Louis is going into heat and Harry thinks it's hot. (the SKILL of writing something that's 1.7k, yet builds a complete--and v. v. hot--world)

7 fics with Harry and someone else

(I still have a few I need to read in this category--I'm getting there! But these are some from my fave authors that really had me pondering some walls [heh])

I Want Your Belly, by @glasscushion​. Harry wants Adam to knock him up. Inspired by on-stage thirst, the Instagram Stories Shirt, Watermelon Sugar, and Harry’s persistent baby fever. (Adam/Harry, mpreg kink of the finest order!!)

Rachel, Nevada, by @vondrostes​. Harry has a close sexual encounter of the fourth kind. (Jeff/Harry, Rachel/Harry, and I honestly can't even BEGIN to describe this, holy WOW)

Sea Salt, by @glasscushion​. Nick's drunk, and he can't avoid his feelings forever. Set in 2013 and 2019. (Nick/Harry, rip gryles...the grylers I know had an absolute field day in terms of angst, damn!)

all my lies are safe beside you now, by HappyPrincess/ @pattern-pals​. They both know what it was like to love Louis Tomlinson fiercely, irrevocably, ghosts of it on their skin, even if the traces were etched in vastly different ways. (Zayn/Harry, and FOR REAL, this is a huge ouch)

call me anything you like, but my name is, by @wishforwishes​. Some conversations are better left forgotten, some conversations are worth remembering, and some conversations you never get the chance to have. Featuring three mentors, two tea parties, one and a half recording studios, and a reference to Archie comics. (Harry/CHASM, essentially; LISTEN, I am obsessed with this fic, you don't need to read part one to really Get It, but the bits with Zayn, and James/Ben, and all the parts with Harry working through gender? SO GODDAMNED REAL)

Come Out and Play, by @dinosaursmate​. Harry and Louis discover a new kink in their relationship, and it brings all the boys closer than they could have ever imagined. (ot5 orgy, so not really Harry with anyone so much as everyone with everyone, and let's call this one canon)

Like a Rolling Stone, by @vondrostes​. By the end of it, Nick realised his tea had gone cold in his hand. He’d barely taken a single sip in the hour-plus he’d been sat there, unmoving, transfixed by Harry’s songs—haunted by the knowledge of what had inspired them. (Nick/Harry, rip gryles)

8 canon fics

(This was a VERY hard category to narrow down, but yeah, a big push this year from "newer" writers = lots of nuanced fic)

Per Aspera, by @sedfierisentio​. Louis’s throat feels tight, his heart like a hammer in his chest. You know my rot, he thinks, and I know yours. I love you still. (these achingly beautiful time stamps are centered around taste, and if this fic has taught me anything, it's that buying an author a coffee has a ripple effect)

A Nullo Amato, by @sedfierisentio​. Inspired by Harry carrying books around outside LAX, a canon-compliant, Canon AU fic set between 2014 and 2015; mostly, timestamps roped together by a common theme—literature. (this was removed four years ago and reposted, so maybe it's a cheat??? i don't care, it was brand-new to me and a lot of other people, I'm so glad the author shared it again!)

no love like your love, by @dykes4louis​. A collection of tumblr drabbles. (Hima is REALLY burying the lede on this one because each of these is short and SCORCHING, her skill, check out her other works, too!)

Dancing in My Dreams, by @kingsofeverything​. Louis doesn't mean to imply that Harry's too old to dance for him, but Harry takes it that way, and sets out to prove him wrong. (this is one that *could* go in the series pile, but I love it as a standalone...feels like canon to me, regardless!)

Sonic Sounds, by @glasscushion​. "Harry takes a deep breath, suitably embarrassed, “I’m just really...” and he can’t say the obvious. He can’t just say "really wet." Or Harry loves feeling embarrassed. Louis is happy to help. (I'll never look at those One Direction electric toothbrushes quite the same way again)

Bruised Fruit, by @glasscushion. Louis is obsessed with the way Harry smells in the heat of LA. (hey, you know what, me, too, bitch, you ain't special...the way this fic SMELLS, my god, I"m obsessed)

be my once in a lifetime, by HappyPrincess/ @pattern-pals. Just like there are only four other people who will ever understand what it’s like growing up in One Direction, there’s only one other person who knows what it’s like to find your soulmate just before you’re thrown into the spotlight and forced to acknowledge that the both of you have too many flaws and vices to make it through fame together. Or: It's all about having sex and being sad. And drunk. (can u believe Nina wrote this before Fine Line???)

in this dress, by cabinbythesea. Louis is so lost in his eyes and his words he feels if a step above heaven exists, it has to be Harry. Loosely inspired by Harry’s dress from the director’s cut of Lights Up. (I sure hope we see even more fic inspired by every bit of this album/every video it produces)

9 fics by Phoenix/ @alienfuckeronmain

(This fandom doesn't deserve her, and I hope everyone's reading her other works because they're all so amazing, she's such an incredibly gifted writer, my fave of faves, my life is so much brighter with her in it...I could rec her all goddamned day, and I do slash will!!! Here are nine she cranked out this year, each one a gem in its own way)

Silver White Winters. In which Louis catches a cloud and pins it down, aka, a Sound of Music AU (the shittiness in the comments underlines why we can't have nice things, but jesus CHRIST, this is so pure and good, and she cranked it out in, like, two hours)

I don't do that dance. Harry is easily the worst ballet dancer in her whole Intro to Ballet class. Except maybe Taylor Swift. (I adore how Phoenix writes girl Harry, but the way she writes Taylor? Unparalleled...nails her perfectly!)

magic, madness, heaven, sin, by @kerasines. It’s the flashing lights painting colors on her eyelids, it’s the drumming bass competing with her heartbeat. It’s the manic energy rippling through the crowd in waves, the deafening, frenzied passion filling the stadium that remind Eleanor that she actually used to like going to concerts. (technically, this one is FOR Phoenix, from Kim, but it takes a pairing that Phoenix is making her very own, so I'm counting it, lol)

Snakes and Stones. If you call a girl a snake enough, sometimes she becomes one. Her legs lengthen and fuse, her pupils shrink to slits. She gets colder and colder, until she has to spread herself on the warm cement beside the pool, soaking in heat, sipping gin and tonics to warm her blood so she does not turn to ice and shatter to bits. (god, I'm blanking on this ship name, but El/Taylor is such an inspired pairing, and I hope that P's drabbles make it over to ao3 in full)

Something good (will come from here). Taylor does not answer, because she is too busy licking her lips and pitching forward, as if Eleanor is the sky, or the sea. (you can practically SMELL this fic, El/Taylor drabble)

I Must Confess (I Still Believe). Harry is the new girl at an all girl Catholic Girl's School, and Louis is the unattainable, dashing senior who changes her forever. (this fic breaks my heart, the entire experience of its production and aftermath will forever be bittersweet, a gorgeous swansong)

Only One at the Finish Line. “I want to be another alpha’s omega,” is what he says, and it comes out like something reckless, something wild. Like he doesn't care anymore if Louis hates him or not, if Louis understands, he just needs to speak his truth aloud to darkness, to the slender pines that surround them like a jury panel. (Phoenix was the gaybo mod, and this was her contribution, and it is PERFECTION PERSONIFIED, fest goals)

The Pink Ghost of Princess Park. The thought of the vibrator does not go away. It’s sitting there collecting dust all through January, and every time Harry and Louis have to leave town for a press event or a show or to record or what have you, they come back home, and it’s still there, the Pink Ghost of Princess Park, the fucking glittery haunting that Harry cannot stop thinking of Louis stuffing up his arse. (a very good year in general for Princess Park clapbacks)

Life Saver. Louis is a sweetheart punk with a theater background and a heart of gold, Harry is an inexperienced nerd who plays by the rules. Classmates, lab partners, and eventually friends, what happens when Louis knows he’s in love, but doesn’t know how tell Harry? (this one came out a year ago tomorrow, and it had a tough birthing process, but it's so good, so hot, my love for virgin Harry gettin’ it on knows no bounds)

10 AU fics

(yes, yes, this could be LOADS longer, but I’m sticking to my theme!)

breathless for an eternity, by cabinbythesea. Harry conquers double duty on SNL and Louis wishes he was Nick Jonas. (dangggg, this came out too late for me to rec it along with my other snl-related fic, but it joins that lofty canon!)

Pretty Baby, by @littlelouishiccups. Louis helps Harry unwind after a busy week. (I was NOT expecting a new chapter in the iconic sugar baby Harry series, but HERE WE ARE)

into another (another) serotonin overflow, by @mercutionotromeo. Sweet first time sex wherein Harry's adorably awkward, Louis is achingly cool, and Harry rides Louis wearing his jersey. (this is one of my all-time fave fics, and I'm not sure what changed in it to get it reposted, but yeah, HERE FOR IT, THANK YOU!!!)

'Sup, by @mediawhorefics. All Louis wants is to finish the play he’s been commissioned to write, but one of the regulars at his local coffee shop keeps distracting him. ft. older larry, pushy gemma, harry being a disaster gay and silver fox louis. (this is so short but so tantalizing, GOD, DO I WANT MORE OF THIS UNIVERSE)

Tan Lines and Some Memories, by twoshipstiedup. Harry Styles is the indie movie darling he’d been avoiding ever since Louis saw his movie at Cannes and harbored an unreasonable grudge against him. A unicorn t-shirt finally brings them together in person. (I honestly thought we'd get more unicorn shirt fic, but this is a wonderful standard-bearer, banter city)

Bitter Tangerine, by purpledaisy/ @daisyharry. Nine months after they break up, a twist of fate brings Harry and Louis back together at Christmas. (so much ouch in this, but wow, do you feel like you're reading fully realized, realistic, growing characters)

We're Driving in Your Fast Car, by @sadaveniren. Harry felt himself light up - both with excitement and the thrill of getting what he wanted. “Really?” “Of course, anything for you." aka Louis and Harry are car thieves about to pull off a million dollar job. (another one I'd love to read more of...how did they get here, where are they going, etc.)

remember you well, by @fondleeds. Harry’s a criminal, Louis’ a cop, and they’re stranded overnight at the Motel 6. (what's with me and my love of heist/caper fics this year?)

Tied Down, by HamPalpert/ @ham-palpert. The most interesting case in Liam and Niall's careers falls directly into their laps, courtesy of an epic fuck-up of one Harry Styles, partner to the almost-infamous drug dealer Louis Tomlinson. The investigation yields an unexpected yet satisfactory outcome for Liam and Niall. For Harry and Louis, however, things are far more complicated. (SEE ABOVE, JESUS, I THINK ABOUT THIS FIC...ALL...THE.......TIME)

Harry Styles Cooks..., by sunsetmog. Louis owns all of Harry Styles’ cookbooks, and he never intends to cook a single thing out of any of them. (yeah, it's a wip, yeah, I flatline every time it updates, what of it, I'm living my best life vicariously through it!!)

[harryandmolly]

Complicit // Introduction

summary: Shawn is under more pressure than he’s ever known. He craves release and comfort, the simplicity of sex. He gets more than he bargained for.

warnings: language, allusion to sexual content, perhaps the Most Extra OC I’ve written to date

WC: 2.2k

----------

Penny closes one eye and scrunches up her face, digging through her S/S 2018 monogrammed Louis Vuitton tote for her work phone. It buzzes hard, rattling against her Oliver Peoples sunglasses, until she can fling some chestnut hair from her face and answer it.

“Caught me just before we’re leaving for the airport,” she says breezily, squinting out the bay window of the whitewashed St. Lucia suite looking over the lapis ocean, “What’s up?”

“I have such a treat for you,” chuckles Silver.

A familiar thrill shoots down Penny’s spine. She swallows and casts a glance around the room for her vacation companion. He’s nowhere to be seen.

“Who is it?”

Silver, being Silver, pauses for dramatic effect.

“It’s Shawn Mendes.”

A pause. Penny’s well kept brow furrows.

“Who?”

+

Niall first realized something was really wrong when Shawn didn’t want to go to 40 Love. In fact, he didn’t want to go anywhere. Niall had to go to him, to his house in Beachwood Canyon, just to see his old friend.

He eyes him warily, watching Shawn stare out the window overlooking the Hills. He’s got a guitar pick in the pocket of his sweats. His fingers fumble with it while he thinks.

“So… things are bad,” Niall guesses.

Shawn takes too long to shrug and angle his head back at Niall. “Not… bad. Just weird.”

Niall leans forward, propping his elbows up on his knees and holding his beer bottle aloft, examining the shedding label.

“I get it. It’s a weird situation. Honestly, I… I was pretty surprised.”

Shawn bobs his head and feels his jaw tighten against his will. “I think a lot of people are.”

Niall is quiet for almost a full minute. He shakes a hand through his coarse brown hair. “I get it, though. I mean, you know I do, mate. Going from teenager to adult in this business is somethin’ most people don’t even get to do. But doin’ it… it’s hard. So I get it, why this thing makes sense for ya.”

Shawn is silent, fidgeting in front of the window.

Niall lifts a shoulder, looking to lighten the mood. “Least she’s not a nightmare.”

It gets a short, rough chuckle from Shawn, which Niall considers progress. Shawn finally turns looking worse for wear as he shuffles to sit in the armchair across from the couch, shoulders hunched, legs spread.

“I don’t think I would’ve agreed to a publicity stunt relationship with someone I hate,” He pauses and chews on the inside of his lip, “I dunno, maybe I would’ve at this point.”

Niall lowers his gaze. He recognizes the old, faded remnants of Catholic guilt in his gut and does what he can to tamp them down. His progression from teen heartthrob of One Direction fame to singer-songwriter hasn’t been easy in comparison to Shawn’s. Hell, he’ll always be one of the 1D boys -- there’s really no changing that. He’s made his peace with it.

His young friend, 21 now and in the industry since he was 15, has to do the same. Niall’s been paying attention. Shawn Mendes has been stratospheric for a while. His third album was a massive success. He sold out arenas on a world tour that even One Direction’s *cough* ambitious management wouldn’t sniff at. But the Armani smart watch ads and even the Calvin Klein campaign haven’t saved him from being a “prince of pop.”

It’s not the worst thing you can be called, Shawn and Niall both know. But it’s diminutive, it’s a little condescending, it’s sweet. Shawn has always been sweet. He is the ultimate nice Canadian boy, the antidote to Bieber’s downfall.

But he’s growing the fuck up and the rest of it -- the music, the tours, the image -- it has to grow, too.

It was Shawn and Bex’s shared publicist who first mentioned the idea. Bex, single name, like Madonna, is an old friend. She’s a Nickelodeon star-turned-pop singer who came up around the same time Shawn was sitting in a computer chair posting to Vine and YouTube. He likes Bex, she’s cool. They’ve written together and yeah, they’ve fucked a couple times when they were drunk and needed distractions from their own lives for various reasons. But he doesn’t get that feeling about Bex. He knows the feeling is out there. But that’s not what this thing with her is for.

“It’s a proven effective way to age you up in the public’s eyes,” Emily advised him, doing that thing where she dips her chin a little toward her chest and widens her eyes, the ‘you really should listen to me’ face, “And aging you up is the only way to get you where you really want to go. The teenage girls can get you places. Fuck, they can even make you a legend. But they can’t get you the world’s respect.”

Shawn thought it was insane at first. Lie about a relationship? Isn’t that kind of seedy? Won’t people see right through it?

He shifts uncomfortably in the chair. He still wonders these things sometimes. But the righteous indignation he felt last year when it came up is an ancient memory. He picks moodily at his own beer bottle sitting on the arm of the chair.

“You see someone, right? Like a therapist?” Niall verifies. Shawn nods absently.

Niall goes silent again for longer than usual. Shawn looks up to see his friend pensive.

“What?”

Niall shrugs and lifts his eyes to Shawn’s carefully. “Not the only thing you could be doing to manage this. The stress, ya know? And anxiety.”

Shawn bristles the way he does whenever someone suggests he’s not doing enough of something. Before he can open his mouth, Niall steps on his own words.

“I mean, ya know, there’s someone else ya can be seein’.”

Shawn’s face is blank. Niall’s going to have to explain the idea as painfully and awkwardly as it was explained to him by a friend a couple years ago.

“I’ve been seein’ a girl on and off for three years. Not always the same one, I mean. For stress relief.”

Shawn, as sweet and doe-eyed as he doesn’t want to be, isn’t picking up what Niall’s putting down.

“What, like a chiropractor?” Shawn guesses, his brow creasing.

Niall slugs back the last slurp of his beer. “No, like a domme.”

+

Penny waits until she’s back in her three bedroom Studio City home, quiet and removed in the hills just like she likes, to call Silver back.

Gus, her favorite agency driver, picked her up from the Santa Monica airport after she kissed one of her favorite clients, Victor Calhoun, goodbye and hauled in all her luggage from a week in St. Lucia. For barely needing to be dressed at all for a week, she brought a ton of shit with her. She makes a mental note to rethink that for next time, but she also thinks Victor likes that she’s high maintenance. Or seemingly high maintenance, she thinks with a smile as she pads barefoot around her cottage in panties and an old t-shirt, bag of popcorn in hand.

She drops onto her couch while the phone rings on speaker in her lap. She stretches out her slender legs, admiring her robust tan.

“Hey, bitch.”

“Hi, sweetheart,” Penny laughs, dropping some popped kernels into her mouth, “Been holding down the fort ok?”

“Yes, believe it or not, I survived a week without you. How was St. Lucia? Was Victor a very good boy?”

Penny smirks. “Always. So good, in fact, I’ve been taking low doses of muscle relaxants for three days to keep myself from getting lockjaw.”

Silver snorts. “That man loves a blow job.”

Penny sifts through some burnt kernels, locating an extra buttery looking piece toward the bottom of the bag and eyeing it like treasure.

“So,” she begins, crunching indelicately into the phone, “Tell me about Shawn Mendes. Who referred him?”

“Niall Horan.”

“Oh, he’s been seeing Karina, right?”

“Yep, she keeps him very much in line. He’s quiet about La Splendeur -- he’s not the guy telling all his friends about how much he’s paying to get dommed by a call girl. He’s selective with his referrals.”

Penny lifts an eyebrow and shrugs. “Those are usually our favorite kind of clients, I guess.”

Silver snorts. “Less messy, certainly. Anyway, Karina adores him, so that bodes well.”

“Who, Shawn?”

“No, actually, as far as I can tell, he’s new. None of my contacts have a history of him seeing anyone.”

Now Penny is really intrigued. It’s not that often she gets a client that has never seen a call girl before. Being a courtesan, the elitest of the elite escorts, clients generally work their way up the food chain to her.

But he’s new. Fresh, untouched, curious. Silver’s right. This is a special treat.

“Well, I downloaded his music, so I’ll have a listen. I recognize a few of the tracks. Anything else I should know?”

“Well, babe, no client history means you start from scratch, research-wise. I’d say be prepared for anything. He seems like your usual sweet, pretty boy, which as you know, can mean anything goes.”

Penny bobs her head thoughtfully, already mentally scanning wardrobe options and toys.

“When?”

“Thursday at 8, Chateau. Give you some time to recover from your potential lockjaw.”

Penny’s laugh is loud and sizzling, one she rarely uses in front of clients, but she and Silver have known each other a long time.

“Good. Plus, I like a few days of anticipation for new guys. Gets ‘em all worked up before I even get in the door.”

“And that is why you’re worth every Penny.”

Penny rolls her eyes and hangs up on the millionth time Silver has made that same adorably stupid joke.

+

Penny’s always liked the Chateau Marmont. It was the site of her first appointment. She remembers being nauseous with nerves walking through the doors that night, sure she’d be arrested just for stepping foot inside. She felt like she had the word “NEFARIOUS” stamped across her pretty forehead.

But she held her head high and focused on the rhythm of her Jimmy Choos, purchased especially for the occasion, on the fine marble floor. As instructed, she didn’t even spare a glance for the front desk. She strode in, not too fast, not too slow, and headed straight for the elevators. The concierge would recognize her from a picture passed along by her madam, Silver, and let her by without a problem. That’s one of Silver’s treasured trade secrets -- most working girls choose lower key locations for dates. Hiding in plain sight, especially at tourist attractions, heavily reduces suspicion, hence why Silver struck up a deal with the Chateau’s concierge years ago. Her girls get a pass, he gets a cut.

The booking is made under the name of the driver who arrives early to check in and drop off Penny’s suitcase while she window shops nearby or grabs a glass of wine at the bar. When the client arrives and is OK’d by the driver for security reasons, Penny gets a text and makes her entrance. Before the driver excuses himself to the car, he checks in with Silver to make sure the client’s wire transfer is complete. Once those initial checkpoints are crossed, the night is Penny’s.

Tonight is no different, really, Penny tells herself as she steps out of the Bentley, offered a hand by the Chateau’s valet. She sneaks him a sultry smile just because getting men squirming for her before she even meets her client feels like a good way to hype up.

But it feels different, somehow. The Hollywood evening’s breeze is especially pleasant, the hotel is especially quiet, and the night especially charged as she heads inside hugged in tastefully cut black satin and wearing her favorite black Roger Viviers. She ignores the way the hair on the back of her smooth olive neck stands on end when the elevator dings upon arrival to the specified floor.

Gus, standing outside the door in a dark suit with his arms crossed, gives her a nod, indicating all is set and well. She rises on her toes to plant a kiss on his cheek. She knows by now she can’t make Gus squirm, so she doesn’t try. He stands aside and opens the door.

He’s sitting on the couch, facing the windows on the opposite wall. His posture is hunched and she can see his shoulders are broad. She tries not to lick her lips.

He turns slightly, looking over his shoulder. His profile catches the orange lamplight. It’s even more magnificent in person. Penny feels a jolt from her squished toes up her very straight spine. She smiles.

He stands, one hand limp by his side, the other clutching a sweating glass of bourbon. Penny can’t wait to taste it on his pretty lips.

Facing her, his jaw tightens, muscles flexing, and his eyes darken just a shade, or maybe she imagines it because she bets hers do the same.

“Penny?”

His voice is a croak. He notices -- he goes magenta moments later. The familiar animal that lives in her stirs, stretching, limbering up.

“Hi, Shawn.”

-------

Ooooh it’s that time again! Ya girl has a new solo series to sink her teeth into. If you’re happy and you know it, buy me a Ko-fi (link on main page)!

Taglist: @smallerinfinities @the-claire-bitch-project @achinglyshawn @infiniteshawn @mendesoft @singanddreamanyway @alone-in-madness @abigfatmess @shawnitsmutual @awkwardfangirl2014 @september-lace @grittyisaho @sinplisticshawn @rollingxstone @yslsaint @randi-eve @fallmoreinlove @heyits-claire @itrocksmysocks @parkerspicedlatte @simpledomain @abeautiful-and-cloudy-day @thecurlsofgod

[heyyyharry]

The Boy Next Door - Part 1

Masterlist

A angsty/fluffy series in which you and Harry were childhood best friends who lived next door from each other, until he became Harry of One Direction and you moved out of town. Years later, you two meet again when you and Harry come back home for New Year.

He’s coming back to Holmes Chapel, they say. Everyone in this town is excited. Of course, why not? They all love Harry Styles, the man who made them proud. He comes back to visit his family often so it's not a surprise that he's back to celebrate New Year with them. But this time, you're coming back too. You don't live in Holmes Chapel, at least not anymore. You're back for a week to celebrate New Year with your mom and your brother. You haven't come back ever since your parents got divorced.

You don’t know why you’re nervous, it’s just Harry, you’re childhood soulmate, whom you haven’t seen since he left the old town to tour the world and you left followed your dad away from this place. The day you two said good bye, neither of you had thought it would be your last. He promised he would reach out for you but he never did. He’s probably busy, you keep telling yourself, or maybe you’re just not that important. You read every news about him, watch every interview, get updated on how he is and who he is with, just to feel close to him like you used to and keep your belief that to him you’re not a distant memory. This year, you both come back to this old town, where most of your memories together lie. And you’re nervous.

You used to live next door to Harry. Your window facing his. The first time you two met was through those windows, the last time you saw him was also through those windows. You said your hellos and goodbyes through those windows. When he moved out, you stopped looking at the window next door, because it saddened you knowing he’s not there anymore.

“The Styles are throwing a New Year's Eve party tonight. Mum and I are planning to go over there after dinner. Are you coming?” your brother’s question drags you back to reality. You blink your eyes quickly and realize that your coffee has got cold as you spaced out.

“I guess not.”

“You haven’t seen them in years, gotta go say hi to Anne, Gemma, and…” your brother’s voice fades out as she sees the change of expression on your face, “…Harry.”

“They probably don’t remember me.” He probably doesn’t.

“Don’t be silly. Anne keeps asking mum and I about you.”

“No, I’ve got things to do tonight anyway.”

“Oh you meaning like staying in your room watching Netflix?”

“No…other….things.”

“But it's New Year's Eve.”

You shrug, not saying anything. Your brother just rolls his eyes and stands up from the kitchen table, bringing his finished plate to the sink as he says, “fine, your choice.”

…

You can hear the sound of the party from your room, it’s hard to stay focused on the movie playing on your laptop when those people next door are so loud. You don’t know why you’re being so cranky about it, it’s probably because you secretly wish you were there. You stand up from your desk and walk to the window just out of curiousity, and you can’t help but notice that the lights are on in the room next door. Your heart begins to race, and when you see Harry, you feel like it stops.

He doesn’t see you, he’s buttoning up his shirt while looking into a full length mirror. He’s definitely different from the last time you saw him. He’s more matured, more "Hollywood", more unfamiliar. You should turn away now but you keep on staring, you cannot stop. And the moment you’re afraid is gonna happen, finally happens. He sees you. He's looking right at you. You’re still not moving. When Harry's eyes meet yours, you’re just completely frozen. Harry looks at you for what seems like an eternity, as if he tries to recollect his memories of you through that stare, or he's just trying to figure out who you are.

“Hi,” you mouth to him with a small smile spread across your lips.

“Hi,” he mouths back, dimples appear on his cheek. The look on his face tells you he recognizes you, which makes you really happy. You can't hear a sound or see anything else. Everything is blurred except for him. As you're thinking of what to do next, Harry immediately turns his head away as somebody knocks on his door. Then he walks out of your sight and then the lights inside his room go off. 

You’re still standing at your window, trying to figure out what just happened. You just saw your best friend again and all you said to each other was hi. He left without saying goodbye or asking you how your life’s been. “Hi”? That’s it? That is what you get after years apart? You don't know how you should feel. Glad that he's back? Sad that he acts like you're no big deal? Or disappointed that he's not as happy to see you as you are to see him? Letting out a heavy sigh, you pull down your curtains and close your window.

...

You are sleeping in your bed when you hear some noise coming out from the big tree outside your window. You don’t normally get awaken so easily during the night but this time that noise wakes you up. You lazily open your eyes and see a black figure climbing through your window. You must be dreaming, you think as you rub your eyes and reach out to grab your glasses on the bedside table.

“H-Harry?” you ask and Harry puts his forefinger to his lips to signal you to stay quiet. You are so confused right now, still thinking you’re dreaming about Harry climbing into your room in the early morning on New Year's day. But as he sits down in front of you on the edge of your bed, you know it’s real.

“What-Why are you here?” you ask, keeping your voice down. You don't want your mom or your brother to come and find Harry in your room.

“Some guy’s outside my house taking pictures of me, I don’t feel safe there.”

This is the first time you've heard his voice since  His voice is deeper now.

“And you decide that climbing into my room through the window would be more subtle?”

Your question makes him laugh. Hearing the sound of it causes your cheeks to turn red. Why are you blushing? It’s just Harry. Or is it because this man doesn’t feel like your Harry anymore?

“Nobody saw or heard me climb into your window. I’m surprised I’m still good at sneaking into your room. After all those years.”

After all those years, you repeat the words to yourself and your heart sinks a little.

“Were you sleeping? Did I wake you up?”

“Yes, you did, H. But don't bother, I'm not sleepy anymore now that I'm awake.”

“I’m sorry, petal.”

You widen your eyes at the nickname. It’s not the first time he’s ever called you that, it’s just been too long. He’s still Harry but he didn’t come back as the same person who left years ago. He’s changed, and so have you.

“What’s wrong?” Harry asks cautiously when he sees the look on your face.

“The nickname.” You breathe out a nervous laugh and look away to avoid his eyes. “Feels kind of odd hearing it again.”

“Does it? I’ve always called you that.”

“The last time we spoke you were 17 and I was 16.”

The smile dies down on his face as if he finally remembers how long it’s been since you last saw each other, so long that he no longer feels familiar to you. Harry was probably too caught up with his career, the fame, the pressure of being in the public’s eye, to actually spend time thinking about his childhood friend. You wonder if the realization of that breaks his heart as badly as it’s broken yours. You hope it does.

“Right,” says Harry since it’s the only appropriate thing he can come up with right now. Then the look he's giving you changes.

“You wear glasses now, and your hair is longer.” He smiles at his discovery. His smile, it has a soothing effect, you feel calm when you see his smile. That hasn't changed. You're less nervous now and a bit more comfortable being alone with him.

“Yeah, and you're different too. Much more different. You look so…cool now, hardly recognize you anymore.”

“Thanks?”

“You're welcome.”

The silence follows after bothers you a lot. What should you say to him next? You know nothing about him (personally at least) and he knows nothing about you. Conversations with Harry used to be the easiest thing in the world, not anymore. Maybe you should ask him why he's never contacted you. Yeah, you probably should, you think to yourself. But when you open your mouth, the question comes out entirely different.

“How long are you gonna stay?”

“I...don't know.” He sighs. “If you want to sleep, go ahead. I won't make a sound.”

You roll your eyes but you smile anyway.

“But if you want to stay up with me, we've got...” He pauses and looks at the time on his phone. “...five hours until the sun rises.” Then his green eyes turn back to you. “...and a lot of catching up to do.”

“That sounds fine,” you say and exchange another smile with Harry. 

The two of you spend most of the time before sunrise to talk about each other's lives in the past years. You tell him about your parents' divorce, about school after he was gone, about your new internship, your grumpy boss, your first serious relationship which ended a year ago. Harry tells you about 1D's break up, his fans, his movie, the girls he’s fallen in and out of love with and the songs he's written for them (which bothers you more than you thought it would and makes you wish he had written a song about you too). You wake up the second time that morning, this time, wrapped in Harry's arm. As you see the first sun light of the new year, you also see him, sleeping soundly beside you. Something inside you has healed and you feel whole again. But how long is this feeling going to last before everything goes downhill again?  

“Happy New Year, H,” you whisper to a sleeping Harry, your best friend, the man you’ve convinced yourself so many times that you are not still in love with. “Please don't leave...”

Part 2

[prettyinsoulpunk]

The one with the gay vodka

(AKA: Harry Styles Live On Tour, Sunrise Florida 6/9/18)

Now that I’ve finally (mostly?) recovered from Saturday’s show, I wanted to make a post about it. Not only was it one of the most amazing experiences of my entire life, but I need to start by taking a minute to recognize just how lovely Harry’s fans are.  For starters, I’ve been to a lot (and I mean a LOT) of concerts in my 30+ years on this planet, and I’ve never been to one where all the fans were so incredibly sweet, kind and so respectful of each other. Not to mention how generous, because people were giving out water, sharing food, and one truly kind soul even offered me a chair since I was hobbling around and wearing a knee brace. (Yes, hi - that was me, the nerd in the CHASM shirt, who spent most of the afternoon sitting out in front of the BB&T center since I couldn’t walk too well.) 

Since I’m sure most people don’t want to read my pre-show rambling, I’ll put that down at the bottom under a link and start with the highlights. All videos and pictures are linked to the original sources, but please let me know if they were reposts or if you’d like anything removed and I’ll gladly take it down. 

The highlights: 

Harry wore an orange ribbon in support of gun safety and to honor the life of one of his fans, who happened to be a recent victim of the Parkland shooting. It was a girl named Jamie Guttenberg (MY HEART!!!!!!) and her father had created this campaign called orange ribbons for Jamie.

I hadn’t seen anyone post about this yet, but even the bags that they give out when buying his merch are biodegradable and have “treat people with kindness” printed on them. 

HARRY WAS SO SASSY. Not that he usually isn’t, but there must be something in our water. Idk, he was in even cuter and sassier than usual and I was living for it.

Harry telling someone: “Sir, THAT is a fantastic blouse. I have it in green.” (there’s an embedded video in the post too) 

Dedicating WMYB to a handsome gentleman, and then calling him BIG BOY. I died. 

Poor Harry hates the humidity in Florida. (Part of me hoped he’d make another FRIENDS / Monica reference, but he didn’t. “It’s the humidity!”) 

HE DID THIS MOVE RIGHT HERE, DURING WMYB AND I’M NOT OVER IT. 

Telling us he only made one album and then saying “Oh, there it is!” when someone held up an HS1 vinyl that was still wrapped. Harry teased them a bit for it, but then said he had some that were still wrapped too and it was a really cute moment. 

THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW (or iiiiiiis it?) Harry letting a fan tell him a bad joke which he loved. 

Harry teasing a fan for being born in the year 2000 (after asking to see her ID and verify her birthday was the 9th) and then calling himself a spring chicken. I can’t with him.

JAZZ HANDS from after we all sang happy birthday to that same fan.

Harry remembering Cam, a young fan that has been going to his shows since he was like three. (and he was brought up on stage during the 1D WWA tour) 

THEN HE DEDICATED MEDICINE TO HIM. HARRY DEDICATED MEDICINE... TO A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY. I’M DEAD. (DID ANYONE GET A VIDEO OF THAT??? I realize he probably only did it because that happened to be the next song, but omfg  H A R O L D.) 

Edit: This video of Medicine includes Cam’s dedication as well as all the birthday stuff prior to it.

RAINBOW PROJECT! It was during JALBOYH, and it was so beautiful. And here’s a really good picture too. 

HARRY ALMOST FALLING INTO THE DRUMKIT. It was a bit dark, so I can’t tell if he tripped on a wire or what, but I could see his face and it was priceless. Poor baby. If he had fallen, he would have knocked the mic over and went right into the drumkit. 

Harry and Mitch being adorable 

“You’re wearing sunglasses and it’s dark and we’re inside. I’M JOKING! LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE!“ - Harry teasing a fan who was wearing sunglasses in the arena. (And here’s some cute gifs of that!) 

I took a few videos of my own, (which aren’t that great, sorry!) but they’re on my Instagram if anyone wants to see.

And the best moment in any show I’ve ever been to ... 

HARRY AND THE GAY VODKA. You can’t see much in this video but the audio is fantastic and you can hear the entire exchange from start to finish. Here are a few other versions too.  I will seriously never be over this moment as long as I live, and I’m honored that I was standing just a few feet away from where it happened. (Also, Harry shouting “No, GAY!” is one of the best things I’ve ever heard.)  

EDIT: Here’s yet another video and it’s amazing! 

I think that covers the majority of the show highlights, so now a bit of pre-show rambling...

Florida is always known for having unpredictable weather, but yesterday (or Saturday, now that it’s nearly 5am on Monday morning...) was the absolute worst it’s been in a long time. It poured rain for over an hour, and people were happily sharing their umbrellas, raincoats, towels, sleeping bags - whatever they could offer to help someone else stay dry. It was a lovely sight, despite the nasty weather.

Eventually, it was time for the GA line to go in, and they started letting us in a few at a time in the order we had lined up in. So they’d take us group by group and actually led us down to the pit. I know not everyone liked that, but I was grateful because I can’t run. And we all know what a mad dash it is when the GA line is unleashed. So that part was nice for me, and I - very shockingly - got a really decent spot in GA2. I was only a few feet from the barrier, and (overall) about fifteen feet from Harry whenever he was at the mic. (!!!!)

Now this is where most concerts quickly go downhill, but not Harry’s. I’ve been to all sorts of shows (like Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco, MCR, Green Day, etc) with GA pits, and fans have NEVER been so lovely. Of course this could just be my experience, but no one shoved each other, no one trampled each other, and no one was disrespectful of one another. What truly surprised me though was the fact that people were coming in and out of the pit and ... 

people LET THEM? Usually when someone leaves, they lose their spot and it’s rare for them to easily get back to where they were. Not last night. Everyone would just happily step aside to let people get back to where they were, and it was really cool to see. :) All shows should be like that, but I’m pretty sure Harry’s are one of a kind. 

It just warms my heart so much because Harry has such a positive influence on us all. Even when he’s not around to witness it, I saw so many acts of kindness happening before (and during) the show, and I think Harry would be so proud to know what truly lovely fans he has. <3

I think that covers just about everything! If anyone has anything to add, please let me know or if you were there and want to share any pics or videos, I’d love to see them. :D  

[aggresivelyfriendly]

~Meet Me In The Hallway~

 Huge shout out to @emulateharry And @nocontrolforlouis for their eagle eyes and cheerleading!! 

 Chapter 4- Detour

I thought about Harry everyday while I was home, a month in someone’s bed could do that. That was the sadness of geography.It was the worst the first week home, when I hadn’t heard from him and my sleepless nights were full of reverie. I, surprisingly, missed tour.

When my brother had first broached, well, insisted, that I go on tour with him, I had looked at the months-long break scheduled between April and June with relish. I was excited to get home and check in with my friends from secondary school. I had plans and I was ready to tell them all about my big gap year adventure.

But being home was not nearly as exciting as I had hoped it would be. I didn’t have as many friends to share with as I thought and many of the things I mot wanted to share, I could not. When we had first left for the road, I had been excited, but nervous and unsure. I'd sat on that first plane and wondered if I would not be better off in Australia, going straight to university. The first several days on tour, maybe the first weeks had been exhausting and overwhelming and exhilarating. And I had loved it. I missed the people and the crew and the band. And I missed Harry.

Truth was, that I had underestimated how much of my day revolved around the time I spent with Harry. I'd wake up, often in his bed and lately, wrapped in his increasingly inked arms. He'd groan in my ear about being exhausted until I brow beat him out of bed and he got in the shower. I'd order his breakfast then, our breakfast, his black coffee and my milky tea, that he'd grumble about, rashers and eggs if he was hungry, oatmeal and egg whites if he was listening to Mark. I gauged his mood and made his order based upon that.

I'd wait for him to get dressed and we would eat together on the couch in his suite before I scrounged up clothes which were usually my own mixed with his. Then he'd walk me to the door and kiss my forehead when he hugged me goodbye, as though there was more that a couple hours that separated us.

I'd wander across the hallway, ignoring the sock and the scantily-clad girl often in my brother's bed. I'd shower and go out to see wherever we were. Since our conversation about what Harry felt he was missing, I’d try to see whatever city we'd been in through his eyes. My phone would buzz often with his random thoughts and horrible jokes. And I'd send him pictures of the places I went, trying my best to experience the place for both of us.

In Glasgow, the second time around, I sent him snapshots of Buchanan Street and selfies from the Art Lover's house. His reactions were wonderful. He would send back pictures of his silly faces. When I showed him the pub I was sat in he made a pun

“Hey where did my Glas Go?” He wrote.

So I sent him a picture of my boisterous response with the caption, “People are staring at me!”

“Course they are” He returned. And it made heart flutter. It was flirty and I couldn’t reckon whether I should chalk it up to his personality, or the way we related to each other now, or, my hope, something more.

His respones were more than flirty. They carried an air of jealousy.

“Ah, I’ve always wanted to go there…” One read as I walked the cobbled royal mile. I knew that.

“Have a black russian for me!”

“Gross!” Was my caption as I dutifully sent a picture back to him of me swilling the vodka back.

“Really?” his disbelief was full.

“I don’t like alcohol, really.” I returned. He knew that, I thought.

“Well, you have to like it in Scotland. It’s a rule. I’m surprised you aren’t being forced to drink whiskey. I’ve wanted to try that too, have some for me.” He hadn’t mentioned whiskey before and I was going to count my dues paid.

I wanted to tell him these were not the places I would choose, but where I thought he'd want to go. I would have seen the cathedral's stained glass, not the drinks from some pub on Buchanan Street. In Dublin, I went to the Guinness factory, though I loathed the dark brew, because he and Niall had blathered on about it on the ride back to the hotel one time.

After my Harry inspired tours. I'd join the boys at the arena. I'd do the crazy hair the boys favored, with enough hairspray to hopefully withstand their water fights and try to even out their skin tones before they told me to fuck off. The water fights seemed to be a catching affliction. The 1D boys had started them too, and Lou was bemoaning her fate as she watched them destroy her work side stage. I heard the ‘fuck’s sake’ under her breath and chuckled. I’d given up that fight.

While my brother warmed up the crowd who made it early enough to catch them, I’d stay backstage. I told myself that I had watched them a lifetime's worth. I'd watch Harry ride around on a Segway, imagining his front to my back. I missed the length of him against me when the sun was out and more as it waned.  

What would it feel like to have his front pressed to my back in daylight while we squealed and chased Niall around?

Then during my favorite part of the day, I'd watch the big show. I knew my focus always drifted to Harry from side stage, but I figured no one was watching me, except him. He'd occasionally give me a smirk or wink, and I suppressed the thrill it would give me.

On the way back, I'd pretend to try to ride back with my brother and his band, but was easily convinced to ride with the British lads instead. Usually squished in, thigh and shoulder next to the boy who I spent most of my time preoccupied about. We'd go our separate ways then, until I was kicked out, or as was happening more often lately, I'd wander down or across or through the hallway to his door. He'd order room service and we'd talk, or watch a movie, cuddle or sleep.

Going to sleep in Harry's bed had become the best part of my day when his light snores began as soon as his head hit the pillow. I swore sometimes just the act of leaning towards the pillow put him out. His breath would rustle my hair. My days of sleeping on the other side of the bed had ended before they'd really begun. Now I smelled his shower gel and minty breath all night, and could kick off the unnecessary blanket. I didn't need any additional help staying warm. Harry's t-shirt and body heat did that plenty well.

I thought about all these things in my own bed and wished I was back there. Those were the some of the things I was missing during the break. After my serious jet lag wore off, I found it took ages to fall asleep at night. The first two days I woke up confused and alone, but I'd slept like the dead. A day of travel took three days to recover from, and I thought of the next tour legs with dread, and wonder. That first normal night home, as I was restless and cold and the bed beside me, the single bed that had no room to share, still felt big and empty. The next legs of the tour involved some horrid flights, but they also meant a shared bed. I hoped at least.

There was no telling what it would be like when we got back, what the European dates would mean,maybe Harry would have found a girlfriend, a real one, where there was no space between the two words, where there was no pause before going to bed. The kisses on the foreheads were replaced by lips and tongue and the cuddling was not mildly arousing, but a precursor to more.

I'd felt it once, well, more than once, really. But those were mostly in the morning. Those could be written off, I thought. I'd heard a lot of jokes about morning wood, being the only girl in a smelly van with grotty boys driving across vast distances, then sharing buses and hotel rooms would instruct anybody in their dirty ways. I think sometimes it was just biology. There had been a couple of times, once or twice, that I tried not to think of, when it hadn't been morning.

Once, it had been after a rom-com, my choice, on the couch, and a shared plate of fries. There had been a bit of a food fight and Harry had wound up pressing me down into the bed. His slim thighs notching between my own as he forced salty potatoes into my laughing mouth.

"Eat it!" he'd ordered. "I dare you to tell me they have better fries down under."

I'd shook my head, pushing against him, but he was so much stronger and inches taller, so I just kept my mouth shut. When he had reached up to tickle my sides, the battle had been lost, and the fries and his fingers had found my mouth.

"Eat em," his command was softer then, and I'd complied, a little out of breath myself. My lips had closed around his fingers, sucking the salt as he pulled them away. I'd chewed the mushed fries and become conscious of where he was pressed into me, along me.

He seemed aware too, or his anatomy was. I could feel him, thick and growing against my heat. It felt different to when I'd fumbled in the back of cars after dates. It felt better.

"Good?" He'd asked, retracting his hips and coloring pink.

I'd nodded, not trusting my voice and let him excuse himself to the bathroom. My mind had followed him in there, and I'd used my limited knowledge to fill in my imagination's wish. I closed my eyes and watched him stroke himself and bit my own lip as I hoped he bit his. My hand wandered over my breast and my right palm had slid down over the soft cotton of his t-shirt I was wearing.

But, the bathroom door had opened too soon and I'd spent the night frustrated. I'd curled my body into Harry's andhe fell asleep even faster  found myself wriggling like a fish on a hook. I nearly straddled his leg. But the thought of explaining myself, of why I was riding his thigh, kept me to myself. And the humid feel between my legs finally faded enough for me to sleep.

Another night, I'd woken to a firm friction along my backside and stretched back into it. I could tell Harry was still asleep, so I catalogued the feel of him. He murmured in his sleep and said my full name, one he never had used before. It slipped from his mouth. "Melody," he breathed into my hair. I was so charged up, surprised maybe, that I had to get up and go to the bathroom, I sat on my hands in the cold bathroom and forbid myself from touching between my legs in his presence.

He was dreaming, and I was the only girl he was around. I told myself this and more - that he hadn't been laid in months, because he was spending his time with me; that we had developed a friendship, but he was a 19 year old boy wrapped around a nearly 19 year old girl, and his physiology overruled his sense. He was sleeping, it meant nothing.

Except to me.

I missed all these things about him.

It was the end of our first week home when I heard from Harry.

My phone buzzed with a picture of his new bedroom in his new London house. “I think I hate sleeping alone here," he said.

"I can’t sleep either," I'd replied.

"Course not. It's morning for you."

"No, last night. Doofus."

"You just miss sleeping with me."

I tried to cover my blushing response with my usual armor of humor. "That's the thing, I figured I'd be able to catch up on all that sleep your snoring robbed me of."

"You love it."

I scoffed to hide my blush, because, oh god, I did.

[90slouisfthes]

“i don’t get it! i don’t understand the ship? i don’t like that.”

it’s summer, 2010. 18 year old Louis Tomlinson and 16 year old Harry Styles are both auditioning for the X factor. they end up put together w 3 other boys, who are insignificant until later in the story, and together the FIVE (rip) of them form One Direction, international boyband SENSATION of the 21st century. so here’s where it gets crazy okay get this, so they meet in the bathroom prior to auditioning (oops! hi) BUT they never said it was at the X factor and lemme tell u they already met before this day. they both came from separate bands, who had both played the same show 1 night a while back and i’m betting my money THAT is where they truly met for the first time. so skip ahead to a few months later and they’re literally LIVIG together and it’s a known fact like they talk about it the other boys talk about it they post pictures. you mean to tell me that these boys moved in w each other after only 2 months of knowing each other? hunny you got a BIG storm comin. so now 1d is a band and yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah all this good stuff anD THEN • • • • • WELL WELL WELLINGTON WHAT THE FUCK DO WE HAVE HERE this low ass quality video is released of the two of them drunkenly dancing and THEY LITERALLY KISSED • • anyways we also have the paris interview (PLEASE I CANT EVEN TALK ABOUT IT U GOTTA LOOK IT UP) aka the #1 reason we only have one (1) single interview of larry alone • • • now onto the obvious stuff... y’all mean to tell me that harry got a heart (i got a souuuuul believe me iiiii will use them both) tattoo anD LOUIS GOT A DAGGER AND THEY HAVE NO RELEVANCE TO EACH OTHER ????? WRONG ! • • • AND THE QUOTE HARRY HAS ON HIS WRIST W NO “” MARKS ON IT AND LOUIS HAS A TATTOO OF “ “ ON HIS WRIST ???? YES ! THEY DO ! • • • if you still cannot believe in this story of true love after the tattoo tales then please, hold on to ur hats because it’s about to get WILD - i’m not even ready for this • • • so harry and louis are SO super bffs by the time they have the UAN tour and they’re stupid on stage and backstage and they’re glued at the hip and KISS ME YOU FOOL *love bites harrys neck* *giggles* and brO it gets even worse when we hit TMH larry y’all they was W I L D louis has harry wrapped around his lil finger and shut and YAH it’s cute they’re bffs WRONG ! • • • Rain Bow Bear. (RBB) please watch the christmas interview bc when the guy asks them about the RBB Niall (here’s where he becomes relevant) is the motherfucking CAPTAIN of this ship, along side James Corden (save for later man) WHIPS HIS NECK SO HARD TO LOOK AT LOUIS W THIS SCARED ASS FACE AND LOUIS IS JUST SMIRKING BECAUSE HE K N O W S • • • anyways skip ahead because i like to skip around THE JHO MV COMES OUT AND THE COUPLE IN THE MV ARE LITERALLY WEARING BLUE AND GREEN !!! BLUE AND GREEN I SAY !!! which, if you didn’t know, are the colors of louis and harrys mics on stage (relevance is their own eye colors) • • • so now we have all these celebrities low key outing them like referring to things that only the two of them would be relevant to or Ed Motherfucking Sheeran tweeting about his “best mate (harry if u didn’t know) getting married today” THE SAME DAY LOUIS MUM TWEETS ABOUT A WEDDING 😩💦👻😜🎃😂💙™😩👌🏼😌😇😉🎃🖕🏼🖕🏼🎃👀👀👀🤔💤👌🏼👻😎🖕🏼😌 YALL MEAN TO TELL ME THAT LOUIS AND HARRY TOMLINSON DIDNT GET MARRIED ON THE 28th DAY OF SEPTEMBER IN THE YEAR OF 2011 BITCH YOU HAVE ONE BIG ASS STOEM COMMIN’ • • • there is a lot of more proof and shit to go by but honestly if you look up freddieismyqueen on youtube you’ll get all the proof you need to be fed for WEEKS on this shit • • • also freddie tomlinson is fake, babygate stunt, and he’s not louis baby. the pregnancy was faked and the baby is not actually named freddie and the poor kid needs to escape this before it’s too late his poor poor soul. • • • harry styles performs girl crush, by little big town, every night at his shows and motherfucking recorded it in the studio and released it WITHOUT CHANGING ANY OF THE PRONOUNS !!!!! THE SONG IS ABOUT WANTING TO BE IN A GIRLS PLACE SO YOU CAN HAVE THE BOY SHE HAS !!!! THEYRE NOT ALLOWED TOGETHER AND HE WANTS TO BE IN LOUIS FAKE GIRLFRIENDS PLACE BECAUSE I WANTS TO KISS HER LIPS BECAUSE THEY TASTE LIKE HIM • • • • COCA COLA LITERALLY DID A COMMERCIAL AND ISED THE SONG CLOUDS (which is larry af btw) AND THE TWO BOYS WERE A GAY COUPLE AND THEY LITERALLY LOOKED LIKE HARRY AND LOU TO A T E A • • “i’m in love with lou and all his little things” AND THE LOOK ON LOU’s FACE WHEN HE SANG IT TO LOUIS L I V E AT A CONCERT WAS ABSOLUTELLY PRIVELESS • louis’ solo part: “i have loved him since we were 18” harry, to the fans: “sixteen” • • • i have just three more things to conclude this story with. 1) “lou can i give you a blowjob?” “i’d love it if you just wait” • • • 2) harry styles dropped his album in may of 2017 and for the 2 whole months they promoted his single, two ghosts, louis was wearing a white tee shirt in every single pap picture of him out EVER literally the entire 2 month promo season. -to make this relevant i present to you the opening line of said single: “SAME LIPS RED SAME EYES BLUE SAME WHITE SHIRT COUPLE MORE TATTOOS” DO YALL MEAN TO TELL ME ??? THIS SHIT ISNT ABOUT LOUIS AND HIS NEW TATTOOS AND HIS FUCKING BLUE EYES AND HIS DAMN WHITE SHIRT ?!?!???? ITS HIM !!! HES THE SECOND GHOST !!!! • • louis to his literal “girlfriend”: “Im gay that’s pretty unfortunate isn’t it” security: “shhhh” • • • and with all that being said, my elbows are cramped so bad from typing for so long like this so i’m gonna have to cut the story short. happy larrying, treat people with kindness.

[iheartsurveys]

151

01. Who was the leading role in the last movie that you watched? I think the last movie I watched was the breakfast club, there's not really a single lead like all 5 of them are the leads 02. Do you think that you can talk to someone but not really be talking to them? I guess? 03. Honestly, when was the last time you found yourself jealous of someone or something that happened for them, what of? So I unexpectedly saw bren Saturday at beer/wine festival...well I knew he was coming but not until like an hour or two before. And he brought this girl he's dating or I guess is his girlfriend? Or something idk. He and I have a complicated past like we were super close and then dated briefly years ago and then it didn't end well, and we saw each other for the first time in like 2 years a few months ago, and it seemed so normal and like we were friends again. And at that time I heard he was seeing someone ish but I was like eh whatever. But Saturday was different than the last time, it was definitely sort of awk. And I don't think she knows about our past. And I'm not really jealous of her per se like I'm not happy he and I didn't last but also I'm okay with it and I think I can personally do better, and my friends say so too. But like just the fact that he's seeing someone and I'm single has me kind of upset and a smidge jealous and yeah. Shit is complicated. 04. Assuming that you know your best friend’s family, is there any one who you don’t really like? When we were 19 I went to the beach with her family for a few days before we had a concert, and she has this like older weird cousin who was into me and idk I didn't interact with him enough/at all to dislike him but it was definitely weird he was asking about me after seeing me for like 2 seconds. And given that we probably had a 15-20 year age difference 05. What is your favorite brand of beer to drink? I hate beer, I prefer cider. Angry orchard or redds apple ale are good 06. Can you recall something that you and your best friend really laughed at? The last thing I remember laughing about in person was at ourselves trying to do some dance our friend always does 07. Of all the people you have talked to through texting, who has been the one to start the conversations? From today alone, probably Helen 08. What are your opinions on Nicki Minaj? She's alright 09. How much does your conscience have an affect on you, if any? Oh it totally does, quite often 10. Is there anything you have to wake up for tomorrow morning at a specific time? No 11. Do any of your friends act like your house is theirs when they are over? My friends don't visit often since I'm out of the way of things 11. Whose birthday will you be celebrating next? My moms bday is Wednesday 12. The last time your cell went off what was it for and who was it from? It was an insta notification saying someone started a live video 13. Recently, what artists/bands have you been listening to a lot? Everyone I'm going to see at firefly...glass animals, weezer, kaleo, etc. And then of course Harry's album. And I really like lorde's new song 14. Who all have you had serious conversations with today? Ummm I guess my dad mainly. Maybe my mom ish idk, nothing too serious had happened 15. What was the last compliment a member of the opposite sex said to you? On Saturday Michael told me I'm better looking than bren's new girl and that I'm way too good for him anyway lolllll he's such a great friend 16. What are some turn-offs that you have? Being overly cocky, immature, rude... dressing sloppily is one 17. The next time you go to the theatre what movie do you plan on seeing? Not sure 18. What’s the relation between you and the person whose Facebook page you were last on? No real relation, we went to the same college and have mutual friends and he's in a band that was at the festival I was just at 19. Assuming you own a band tee, which one do you wear the most? The only band tees I own these days are 1D and the Jonas brothers lolllllll and I have a shirt from firefly last year but it's not a specific band. I Probably wear my 1D shirt from the up all night tour the most 20. Have you ever had a pet that really had its own personality, like and it was personable? All of my pets currently have their own personalities 21. Who was the last person to make you smile? The internet? lol I'm not sure specifically 22. The last time you heard someone else laughing, did they explain to you what was so funny? No 23. How do you feel about your life at this point with everything going on and what’s coming up? It seems like things are falling into place for the most part and that's exciting 24. What was the last thing that frustrated you? I was watching the bachelorette with my mom upstairs and my stepbrother stopped by to visit and he and my stepdad came upstairs and were talking loudly while I was watching tv so I couldn't hear what was happening 25. The next time you are gonna be using your money to pay for something, is it just gonna be for you, someone else or just other people as well? I need to go to cvs tomorrow for myself. And maybe buy groceries. Also for myself. 26. Have you ever set up to do something with someone but ended up not because you didn’t feel like it? Probably 27. Your last shower: at what time of day did you take it? It was like 8pm