#in words that cannot explain the extent of my relationship with myself and my body and the world

[worldwake]

The older and more secure I get in my own identity, the less I find that words describe my experiences except in a very basic, literal, definitional sense. When I was 14 it seemed so important to nail my identity down, to meticulously match it with others' experiences, to describe every iota of myself with terms that nobody could really explain the meaning of. And that's sort of the point, I guess, there's no real meaning besides what an individual ascribes to a term when it comes to gender, but it's funny that now I have no words to describe my gender and I don't feel I need words to describe my gender. I suppose I should've seen it coming, I've never been comfortable describing my gender in any way. Now I just feel okay and secure that I don't like to and shouldn't have to. 🤷‍♂️

[miss-kittyy]

Rewriting Briarlight and Longtail’s Deaths

So I am disabled, like very disabled, I am %50 of the teenagers ever diagnosed with my special combination of pain disorders, and I also unfortunately hyper fixated on warrior cats, which is bad news for me because warrior cats is super ableist, and to add insult to injury, the fandom can also be pretty ableist.

My biggest problem with the majority of “anti-ableist” AUs is that they “fix” the ableism stemming from the narrative and able bodied characters by making the disabled character less disabled, this so bad for many reasons. I’ve talked more about in other posts. The justification that real life disabled cats are less doesn’t make it not ableist, since when was warrior cats meant to be realistic? If you’re making an au where the disabled cats function like actual disabled cats you also have to make all the cats genetically accurate, and retcon Lionblaze lifting a tree.

My problem with warrior cats is not that the disabled characters cannot become full conventional warriors, I’d like it if they got to choose what duties the perform instead of being crammed into the medicine den, but I don’t care about Cinderpelt not being able to complete a marathon. Most of the fandom seems to think the issue is that the disabled character are not useful enough, instead of the way that able bodied characters deny of them agency and make remarks like “you wouldn’t want to return to a life like her’s would you?”. Disabled people do not need to be “useful” to be worthy and empowering.

It’s very obvious that most of the fandom just wants the disabled cats to be more palatable to abled bodied people, so I’ve decided to make my own rewrite instead to hopefully make myself feel better. A lot of these things are inspired by my own experiences and not every disabled person is looking for the same things in representation, this is totally self indulgent.

The goal of this AU is to highlight the many unique and valuable aspects disability and how being disabled does not infringe upon anyone’s worth, ever.

- Longtail doesn’t die in the storm, Briarpaw is still injured, but he’s found besides her, trying his best to help her cling to life.

- after Briarpaw begins to recover he stands up to Millie and other cats insulting her quality of life, he says her journey will be hard, but it is one worth taking.

- She asks him why he’s an elder, and he decides to request to have his warrior ship restored as Briarpaw is dreading the life of an elder.

- On his first patrol the cats accompanying him insist on speaking to him in an incredibly infantilism tone, and whispering amongst themselves over what he can or can’t do, without consulting him,

- He initially gives up on patrolling after that insufferable experience.

- Briarlight begins to create marks and blobs on the wall of the medicine den using crushed up dead herbs she asks him to retrieve some berries for her, and he complies.

- Jayfeather shows him how he navigates the territory with the help of some of the sighted cats, and Mousefur is quick to volunteer as his guide. He finds her company surprisingly empowering. He realizes that it was not his blindness which was limiting his abilities, but the other cats attitudes.

- Mousefur and Longtail return with mouthful of berries and herbs, Briarlight describes to him what she’s drawing on the side of the den and he helps he mound the materials into paint.

- The cats begin to pop into the medicine den to see Briarlights painting and soon Jayfeather has to kick her out occasionally so they’d stop crowding him, she’s given the walls of camp to decorate instead.

- She begins to illustrate Longtails stories of the old territory and Bloodclan, and this new form of storytelling becomes a tradition amongst Thunderclan.

- because more young cats are aware of the clans history it becomes harder for the dark forest to recruit them, unfortunately, Blossomfall’s resentment towards her sister means she never cared to listen.

- Ivypool is still recruited and trained like in canon, given her relationship with the dark forest was much more emotionally charged and manipulative than just plain lies.

- at a gathering Longtail meets Grasspelt who inquires about Briarlight, Longtail is surprised about how little he knows as the she-cat had mentioned how well they got along as apprentices. Despite Millie nagging him not to tell him the truth about her daughter he does anyways, but puts much more emphasis on how well she’s doing than Millie expected. Grasspelt thinks this sounds really cool and decides that he is going to see her and her paintings, and that nobody can stop him. Longtail makes sure to put any opposing cat in their place, but Briarlight is a very respected Clanmate, so most warriors don’t say anything.

- Briarlight is nervous and doesn’t want to come out of the medicine den at first, but when Grassheart darts into the den holding berries and flowers for her to paint with she quickly warms up to her visitor.

- Grassheart is happy to tell Briarlight that he’s never been able to be a “functioning” warrior, and that he has always imagined that his spirit is shaped different, the medicine cat says his body is normal, but he’s never been able to keep focus in a fight or react as quickly as he should be able to while hunting. (He’s autistic because I say so)

- As dusk nears he’s visually hesitant to return to Riverclan and when Longtail inquires on why he says that he hasn’t felt so “here” for a long time. On the way back he wanders off and comes back with a chipmunk, when returning to Riverclan territory his father, Mintfur, is shocked to see his catch. After talking with his family a bit he realizes that it was the noise from the river that was making him so tense and dissociated, Brackenfur, who was escorting him, notices that he keeps rubbing himself on the ground and wincing.

- For the next couple moons Grasspelt returned to Thunderclan to bring Briarlight plants that only grow in Riverclan territory, he begins trying to fish from the quite lazy stream in their territory and soon both him and Briarlight have got it down.

- Longtail notices the sadness present whenever Grasspelt left and exclaims that it’s rather stupid that he’s living somewhere so unsuited for him just because of words long repeated.

- Grasspelt confesses that he feels the same, but knew he wasn’t supposed to say anything. Briarlight tells Longtail that her and the Riverclan warrior had been thinking of each other as mates for moons.

- Longtail accompanies Jayfeather to the next half moon meeting where he proposes his addition to the warrior code, “no cat should be confined to laws which harm them due to an inherent physical or spiritual difference.” (Cats don’t really know how brains work, so they see mental disabilities as a difference within a cats spirit)

- A moon later the leaders meet to discuss this proposition, it is accepted and Grasspelt makes the journey to Thunderclan for the final time.

- Grasspelt is renamed Grassspirit when becoming a Thunderclan warrior, unlike prior renaming of disabled cats this is a celebration.

- Grassspirit spends most of his time taking care of the elders and kits, he’s incredibly compassionate especially with kits and is able to solve many problems within the nursery.

- When twigkit and Violetkit arrive in Thunderclan Briarlight and Grassspirit help raise them, after Violetkit is taken Briarlight and Twigkit paint her on the side of Thunderclan camp.

- Briarlight still gets sick and her illness progresses without any treatment, Grassspirit notices her trying to hide it and when Longtail finds out he’s very upset. Jayfeather frantically treats her, expressing his frustration that she didn’t tell them sooner, the second Millie steps out she breaks down and explains that she just wanted to deal with it herself, and perhaps if she were successful Millie would finally treat her like an adult.

- Longtail gives Millie a stern talking to, he tells her that Briarlight is a warrior of Thunderclan and as her clanmate she should show her some respect.

- Millie is inherently very reactionary, as she had not realized the full extent of her suffocation, but eventually after a couple moons her and Briarlight begin to rekindle their relationship, like adults.

- Blossomfall sees how Brairlight wasn’t basking in their mother’s attention like she imagined, and feels the urge to seek out an actual sisterhood after ignoring Briarlight for moons and moons.

- Briarlight isn’t really mad at her sister, and understands why she felt the way she did. Jayfeather suggests that Blossomfall help Briarlight with her painting, Blossomfall seems put off with the suggestion of being her sister’s assistant.

- The interactions that follow are less than ideal, Blossomfall commends Briarlight’s able friends (Thornclaw, Poppyfrost, Alderheart, etc) for being so nice to her, as if that’s not what friends do. She seems very sad the entire time, sighing when her sister dragged her legs around with her mouth to sit more comfortably, even though she was completely fine. When watching her paint she comments that it’s good she has “something to keep her busy”, and finally she expresses her view, of Briarlight’s injury and her (Blossomfall’s) suffering being all worth it because of her talents, as if her life was not worth living to begin with.

- Briarlight tells her that if that’s truly what she wants she’s going to have to put more effort into understanding and respecting her way of life, and that she won’t apologize for their mother’s actions.

- When Blossomfall has her kits they take a liking to Auntie Briarlight, and Blossomfall seems to have reflected on their past interactions, trusting her sister to watch her kits. Briarlight teases a bit, a subtle way of telling her not to rush things, but they do begin to feel like something close to sisters.

- Right before Briarlight’s Nieces and Nephews are made warriors Longtail dies of Greencough. Throughout the entirety of his sickness he kept his sense of humour, his mean streak, and his immense love for what he had made of his clan.

- At his vigil Grassspirit began whaling like a bird in new-leaf, he insists that the vigil is too sad, and that Longtail wouldn’t want everyone moping around, for Starclan’s sake, his life was good. Standing amongst them, Longtail’s spirit can feel every cat in Thunderclan standing around him, singing the song of a life well lived.

[k-s-morgan]

Will’s vs. Hannibal’s Ways of Expressing Love

The fact that Hannibal loves Will and is in love with him is openly stated in the show several times. Will’s feelings, on the other hand, are more ambiguous, which is why some viewers often doubt whether Hannibal’s love is reciprocated. I think that exploring the ways these two men experience and react to love can explain the varying degrees of their openness about it.

I’ll put TLDR right here: Hannibal is more open about himself and his feelings, including love, hence he doesn’t have many challenges with admitting it. Will is closed off, stiff, and emotionally repressed, so he expresses his feelings in a much more subtle way.

Let’s start with Hannibal. Details about his past are scarce, but we know that he admits to loving two people throughout his life, his sister and Will.

E3 of S3.

*Bedelia: What your sister made you feel was beyond your conscious ability to control or predict … I would suggest what Will Graham makes you feel is not dissimilar. A force of mind and circumstance.*    

*Hannibal: Love.*

Undoubtedly, Hannibal’s love for Mischa was traumatic and unhealthy. He loved her so much that he ate a part of her body after she was killed, devastated by this loss. But it was still love that made him feel all the related emotions, so Hannibal has some experience with it. From what we know of him, he has a very broad mind. He despises limitations and overcomes them, and he is not ashamed of who he is. He isn’t embarrassed to cry in the opera or to be the first to stand up and applaud; he delights in stereotypically ‘feminine’ hobbies like cooking and clothes selection; he draws fan-art and openly expresses his admiration when it’s due. For this reason, Hannibal doesn’t have many problems with expressing love either.  

Upon meeting Will, he is immediately drawn to him. He sees him as his potential partner and decides he wants to try and build a family with him as early as E2 of S1. That’s when he starts planting the idea of Abigail being their shared daughter in Will’s mind. He does the same to Abigail, urging her to see him and Will as her parents, even giving her shrooms to evoke the desired associations (unsuccessfully since Will doesn’t come to dinner). So, Hannibal acknowledged his pull/infatuation with Will from the very start, and he acted on it right away.

It’s not 100% love at this point, but Hannibal still easily follows his emotions. He doesn’t stop to consider how strange it is to want a family with a man he just met; he doesn’t agonize over the idea of how his life has more risks now that he allows another human being to know him. When these feelings progress at the end of S1/start of S2, Hannibal is finally taken aback. While he never planned to leave Will in prison and it was a part of his plan, he still didn’t expect to miss him so much — he admits it to Bedelia, looking forlorn, in E1 of S2. He repeatedly pines for Will by sitting in front of his chair at the time of his supposed appointment, glancing at the clock despite knowing Will is not going to come. This is a shift to an actual love, but Hannibal still doesn’t fight it. On the contrary, he embraces it, and he spends the entire S2 doing repeatedly romantic gestures for Will. Namely:

1) Protects Abigail to reunite Will with her later.

2) Shares a part of himself he doesn’t seem to have ever shared with anyone else. He talks to Will about Mischa, reveals his views on murder and God, acknowledges he cared about Abigail, and shows vulnerability. He shares his teacup ritual with him, which is something precious and deeply personal.

3) He digs up fake Freddie’s corpse and decorates it as a way of courting Will (as directly said by Alana).  

4) He draws a fan-art of himself and Will as Achilles and Patroclus.

5) He is ready to abandon his well-established life in Baltimore and reputation to run away with Will. In Hannibal’s view, no one truly suspects him and there is no evidence against him, but Will is in danger. So he’s willing to discard everything he’s been building for 20 years for him.

Finally, he calls Will a loved one more or less directly in E13 of S2 (in fact, he implies that they both love each other).

*Hannibal: Do you know what an imago is, Will? … An imago is an image of a loved one buried in the unconscious, carried with us all our lives.*

*Will: An ideal.*

*Hannibal: The concept of an ideal... I have a concept of you, just as you have a concept of me.*

Will hurts him with his betrayal, and Hannibal still finds himself unable to kill him. He is openly crying in the finale, admitting how Will hurt him, breaks his (and his own) heart by killing Abigail, and flees to Europe to start a new life. But things don’t go as he hoped they would. Bedelia is not a worthy substitute, and Hannibal is increasingly slipping into a self-destructive state because of his love for Will. He kills Anthony, who was an improved copy of Will, and turns him into a Valentine heart for him. Again, this is a very explicit and open emotional action. Hannibal doesn’t hide his feelings. He’s an emotional wreck with Bedelia in E3, and as they are talking about Will, he admits he’s in love with him.

*Hannibal: You cannot control with respect to whom you fall in love.*

Bedelia points out his self-destructiveness.

*Bedelia: You're going to get caught. It's already been set into motion … I know exactly how I will be navigating my way out of whatever it is I’ve gotten myself into. Do you?*

After Hannibal keeps spiraling and kills Sogliato, she adds: *You're drawing them to you, aren't you? All of them.*  

Hannibal gets so self-destructive over Will that he lets Jack beat himself almost to death, not even attempting to fight him. The first words he says to Will after they reunite in E6 are:

*Hannibal: If I saw you every day forever, Will, I would remember this time.*

He’s a romantic. The courtship, the Valentine heart, the romance — Hannibal did have some struggles, but overall, he accepts these feelings and isn’t afraid to act on them.

When Will pulls a knife in E6, Hannibal classifies it as another betrayal. This is where he decides to kill and eat him in the hope to put an end to this misery (which is what he and Bedelia discussed back in E3). However, even blinded by another heartbreak, Hannibal tries to save Will at the same time. He knows the police are coming and he puts off the moment of sawing for as long as he can, first fussing over Will and his wound, then waiting for Jack, then doing everything slowly as hell.

Everything changes in E7, when Hannibal faces the real risk of losing Will and comes to terms with the fact that a hope of life with him is better than life without him. So Hannibal carries Will home bridal-style, takes care of him, waits for him to wake up and writes formulas to reverse time. He directly tells Will that Will won, and that he, Hannibal, is at Will’s mercy.

*Hannibal: Your memory palace is building. It's full of new things. It shares some rooms with my own. I've discovered you there. Victorious.*

He gives himself up, sacrificing the freedom he’s been fighting for back in E2 finale, in the hope that one day, Will is going to come back to him. After this, Hannibal is all about Will, with all his heart. Throughout the second half of S3, he says things like, *“I gave you a child. You are family, Will. Was it good to see me?”*, etc. He agrees to risk his life by agreeing to Will’s plan, knowing he’s planning something but not knowing what and if he’d die in the process. In E13, Hannibal says:

*Hannibal: "No greater love hath man than to lay down his life for a friend"* and shields Will from the bullet. Later, he allows Will to push them both down, and he stays with him afterward.

Conclusion: Hannibal is very accepting of himself, so he doesn’t undergo severe challenges on the path to acknowledging what he feels for Will. He knows what love feels like because he felt it for Mischa before, so he embraces loving Will pretty quickly, even though he doesn’t know how to best approach it at times. That’s why we get direct and explicit confirmation of his feelings several times.

Now, on to Will.

Unlike with Hannibal, there is no evidence that Will has ever experienced love before (at least love for people). We know he had a father and was lonely as a child.

E4 of S1.

*Will: We were poor. I followed my father from the boat yards in Biloxi and Greenville to lake boats on Erie.*

*Hannibal: Always the new boy at school? Always the stranger?*

*Will: Always.*

His choice of words indicates that his relationship with his father wasn’t all that good (for instance, *I followed my father* instead of *My father and I had to…*). So, it doesn’t look like Will ever had meaningful connections. More than that, he says:

*Will: There’s something so foreign about family. Like an ill-fitting suit. Never connected to the concept.*

We can suggest that he doesn’t know what love is or how it feels like. From E1, we know he isolates himself because he hates himself for who he is: he understands he’s different, that there is darkness in him, but he desperately tries to subdue it and deny this fact. He’s rude, twitchy, and unhappy, but like Hannibal, he understands the extent of his loneliness only upon meeting him. That’s when he tries forming relationships with others.

Will’s relationships with Alana and Abigail are a good indication of his problems with love. He wants to be with Alana because he needs to feel normal. In 99% of cases, he remembers about her only when she comes to seek him out first. He kisses her for the first time at the moment of particular vulnerability, fearing that he’s finally losing his mind (in E8). When Hannibal calls him out on it, Will doesn’t deny it and semi-nods. He actually had to agree with it verbally according to the script.

*Will: I feel unstable.*

*Hannibal: That’s why you kissed her. A clutch for balance.*

*Will: Because I’m losing mine.*

So, it’s not that Will feels romantic love for Alana — he uses her because he desperately needs to feel like everyone else. Alana is a pretty, smart, normal woman who fits this goal perfectly. He doesn’t allow himself to be genuine with her unlike he does with Hannibal, to whom he opens up.

Will confesses to Hannibal that he loved killing Hobbs in E2, which got him down and made him panic. Hannibal supports him, and Will keeps coming back to him. He talks about everything important with Hannibal, opening parts of himself that he guards from everyone else. Will asks Hannibal to look after his dogs as early as E4 — he doesn’t have other friends, and he’s already focused on Hannibal. He buys into an idea of having a family with him and Abigail, which is amazing for Will, who has just said he could never relate to the concept of family.

When Will buys a gift for Abigail in the same E4 and freaks out, Hannibal asks him:

*Hannibal: Feeling paternal, Will?*

Will’s reaction is instant and defensive:

*Will: Aren’t you?*

Hannibal easily says “yes”, which disarms Will. This is a great contrast between them: Hannibal isn’t afraid to talk and acknowledge his feelings while Will is embarrassed of them and shies away from them. In fact, this is a repeat of their conversation in E2.

*Hannibal: You saved Abigail Hobbs' life. You also orphaned her. It comes with certain emotional obligations.*

*Will: You were there. You saved her life, too. Do you feel obligated?*

Again, Will deflects. He’s wary of emotions, especially of admitting them out loud.

Will shows a hint of romantic interest in Hannibal in E7. He brings him a bottle of wine out of blue, but unfortunately, he stumbles upon the party Hannibal is preparing. Hannibal invites him to stay, but Will says he won’t be good company. He’s shy and awkward, smiling nervously and dropping his gaze in embarrassment. Then we have this lovely line:

*Will: I’ve got a date with the Chesapeake Ripper.*

So, in S1, Will makes considerable emotional progress. He realizes he wants a family after all, and while he makes several half-hearted attempts to court Alana, he’s mostly focused on Hannibal and Abigail. He opens himself up to Hannibal, receives official guardianship over Abigail with him, arguably flirts with Hannibal (like in the wine scene above), and covers up murder to protect their family. But then Hannibal betrays him. Will doesn’t know his reasons yet, but this betrayal plunged him into darkness, bitterness, and new stage of emotional repression. It’s worth mentioning another point of Abigail here: in the end, Will doesn’t know her. He spoke to her only several times, and even fewer times were genuine. He loves the idea of her, and this idea was introduced by Hannibal, not by Abigail’s presence. It’s Hannibal who forced Will to confront his need to love and be loved.  

In S2, Will is incredibly conflicted. He acknowledges to Hannibal that he hurt him, tries to kill him via Matthew, but when he recognizes that Hannibal wants him as a friend (as spoken in E7), his attitude changes. Will doesn’t plan to forgive him, he’s still angry at Hannibal for killing Abigail (which is his biggest conflict, as evident from his talks with Hannibal himself and Freddie), but now, he can’t bring himself to harm or betray Hannibal.

He gets his first chance in E7, after being released from prison. He threatens Hannibal with a gun and has a perfect chance to make him pay, but he doesn’t. Instead, he conspires with Jack and decides to cultivate co-dependency, creating an environment where only he “and the fish exist” (E8). What does Will do to start? He makes himself physically attractive, grooming and dressing prettily. It’s a seduction on all levels, and Will plans to use emotions to hurt Hannibal back. At the same time, Will admits to being confused over what he feels for Hannibal.

E8 of S2.

*Will: I envy you your hate. Makes it much easier when you know how to feel.*

E9 of S2 (talking about trying to kill Hannibal with Margot).

*Margot: Did he have it coming?*

*Will: What do you think?*

*Margot: I can't say that I know.*

*Will: Neither can I.*

He spends the rest of the season lying to both Hannibal and Jack, unsure whose side to choose, too lost in his own feelings to make sense of them. At the same time, he has a dream where Hannibal calls him beloved in E9. It shows that Will contemplates the idea of love in relation to Hannibal. In E10, Will tries to fantasize about Alana as he’s having sex with Margot. However, he sees the image of Wendigo near the fireplace, Wendigo who he’s used to associating with Hannibal. Two interesting things (copied from my other meta): first, Will actually sees Hannibal’s room and consequently, he sees himself in it (or he sees their rooms united). Second, he sees the Wendigo near Hannibal’s fireplace. Fireplace has many meanings, including passion, sexuality, home, family, and resurrection. It emphasizes the sexual and romantic subtext of this uniquely shot scene, where people destined to be together have sex with the wrong partners. Will’s vision begins to contract, focusing on Wendigo: he is having an orgasm at this very moment, imagining the Wendigo’s face very close, approaching him. Still through the misty eyes, he tries to focus on Alana again, but his gaze moves up to Wendigo above her, as if he can’t help himself. He and Hannibal reach orgasm first, with Alana and Margot following them. So, Will dragged Hannibal into his sex fantasy. It’s both symbolic and physical: he tried to imagine Alana just like he tried to have a relationship with her before, in S1, out of his desire to be normal. But his attention is inevitably drawn to Hannibal, who’s his “real deal”.

Based on this scene, it’s underlined once again how Will struggles with emotions. Even in the safety of his own mind, in his own fantasy, he tries to think of Alana but still ends up with Hannibal. Will is always fighting himself and who he is. He refuses to accept his darkness just as he refuses to admit he loves Hannibal. It’s the essence of who he is, denial is his second name.

Among the important moments, there are Will’s words to Hannibal:

*Will: You are right. We are just alike. You are as alone as I am. And we are both alone without each other.*

So, Will accepts the bond with Hannibal, and at this stage, he even has the courage to voice some of his emotional thoughts. His progress is slow, but it’s there.

In E11, Will has a nightmare. He sees a burning corpse of ‘Freddie’ in a wheelchair, a symbol of his betrayal of Hannibal, and he hears his own increasing screaming. It’s easy to interpret, knowing the context: Will feels guilty for lying to Hannibal.

When Margot loses her child, Will feels renewed anger at Hannibal. He fantasizes about killing him and gets to realize his fantasy with Mason’s help in E12. But at the last moment, Will changes his mind and chooses Hannibal. He does the same thing in E13 by calling him. When he sees him, he doesn’t even try to point a gun at him: he asks why he didn’t leave as he was supposed to, and he even leans forward to accept the knife, accept the punishment for betrayal.

So, Will chooses Hannibal over Abigail, for whom he wanted justice; over his and Margot’s child, for whom he wanted revenge; over Jack and Alana, who were his only semblance of friends; over his own confusion and desire to be normal. For someone as emotionally stunted as Will, it’s huge. It proves that he loves Hannibal and is willing to compromise all other relationships he has formed as well his own beliefs for him (while Will is dark, he tries to fight it because he doesn’t think people like them are normal). Is it romantic? Will’s dream with the word “beloved” and his sex fantasy, as well as his acceptance of the idea that he and Hannibal were Abigail’s fathers (which makes them partners) imply that yes, romantic feeling is a part of it.

Hannibal’s romantic feelings became explicit in S3, and so did Will’s. But since Hannibal is more open and self-accepting, his were discussed out loud while Will’s were mostly portrayed silently, implied, and alluded to.

Will builds a boat to sail and find Hannibal, which is pretty romantic by itself. He spends his time in Hannibal’s house, in the kitchen where their bloody break-up happened, imagining Abigail near him. When Alana comes to find him, he asks her to leave. He’s cold and indifferent toward her — she’s not what he wants, and he’s not interested in even friendship with her. All he wants is to mourn his lost family with Hannibal and Abigail. Again, Hannibal is Will’s priority.

Will imagines his perfect world as the one where he and Hannibal killed Jack together. This scene is intercut with his Mizumono memories, namely, with Hannibal's face that emerges every time he moves yet another part of the engine. This is a vivid demonstration of Will trying to repair what is now broken. When Jack asks him why he called him, Will is indifferent and genuine:

*Will: I wasn't decided when I called him. I just called him. I deliberated while the phone rang. I decided when I heard his voice … I told him to leave. I wanted him to run … Because he was my friend. And because I wanted to run away with him.*

That’s a big admission for Will. This is the first time he openly acknowledges Hannibal as his friend in front of another person. Chilton calls Will and Hannibal’s interactions a “flirtation” in this episode, which once again points us in the romantic direction.

The entire E2 of S3 is dedicated to Will’s love for Hannibal, where he argues about it with himself in the form of imaginary Abigail. This is another proof of Will’s problem with emotions in general and emotions for Hannibal in particular. He can’t just think to himself as normal people do — no, he can’t admit how much he loves Hannibal this. Instead, he imagines Abigail and talks to himself through her to make it easier. He berates himself for lying.

*Will/Abigail: We were all supposed to leave together. He made a place for us. Why did you lie to him? He gave you a chance to take it all back, and you just kept lying.*

Will is reverent about Hannibal; he keeps talking about him over and over again.

*Will: This isn't Hannibal, it's just where he begins. Beyond this, far and complex, light and dark, is the vast structure of his mind. A thousand rooms, miles of corridors. Everything he remembers, wonderfully and fearfully reconstructed.*

Will goes as far as lies at the place where Hannibal’s Valentine heart for him was, reconstructing this image and trying to feel close to him. The heart comes to life the moment Will touches it, which is romantic. Will says:

*Will: A valentine written on a broken man … I do feel closer to Hannibal here. God only knows where I would be without him … He left us his broken heart … He misses us.*

He looks on the verge of tears, so Hannibal’s gift touched him. Will is overcome by emotions. At this very moment, his more frightened side suggests that Hannibal is also playing with him.

*Will: Hannibal follows several trains of thought at once without distraction from any, and one of the trains is always for his own amusement.*

We know it’s not the case, especially here, but Will has trust issues and a low self-esteem. He’s worried that Hannibal’s feelings for him aren’t as strong as he thinks they are, which is why he’s not sure how to react himself. He asks himself, *“You still want to go with him?”* and replies, *“Yes.” He wonders about what life they’d have if they left.

*Will: What if no one died? What if we all left together? Like we were supposed to. After he served the lamb. Where would we have gone? … In some other world.*

Pazzi comes and tells Will that he hopes they’ll catch Hannibal together.

*Will: What makes you think I want to catch him?*

Later, Pazzi says:

*Pazzi: He let you know him. He sent you his heart.*

E2 ends with Will scaring Pazzi and telling him, *“You don’t know whose side I’m on.* Then he tells Hannibal he forgives him, which is also a huge step in his direction.

This entire episode proves that yes, Will loves Hannibal. Considering how he isn’t awkward from receiving a Valentine or hearing that Hannibal gave him his heart, Will shares the romantic aspect of Hannibal’s feelings for him. He regrets not running away with him and their daughter, he places himself on the floor where the heart was to feel closer to him — this is such a rich romantic subtext that it’s practically text. Especially for Will, who remains so conflicted and emotionally restrained all the time.

Will’s attitude changes after seeing Chiyoh. He becomes more bitter. Considering how dark he is in these scenes and how he constantly compares himself and Chiyoh, he likely sees her as someone Hannibal was supposed to love but easily abandoned. It makes Will draw the parallels between them, and he starts to doubt that Hannibal loves him, that his “broken heart” has any authentic meaning. That’s where he starts thinking about killing Hannibal again. He still says:

*Will: I’ve never known myself as well as I know myself when I’m with him.*

This line also speaks volumes. Hannibal gave Will a precious gift of understanding himself; he showed that he could accept him, and Will is drawn to it. Will admits the depth of their connection to yet another person. Then he makes a firefly from Chiyoh’s prisoner, a tribute that is clearly done with Hannibal in his mind, considering the style and the central topic.

Chiyoh sees right through Will’s emotional constipation. She implies that he should “kiss” Hannibal rather than keep being “violent”:

*Chiyoh: I told you, there are means of influence other than violence.*

She kisses Will then, thus showing him what others means exist. He doesn’t get it, though, since he responds to her kiss despite not feeling anything for her, and she pushes him off the train, likely admitting he’s a hopeless case.

Meeting Jack, Will tells him that a part of him will always want to leave with Hannibal. This is yet another declaration from him. Will isn’t scared of the consequences — he speaks of his feelings openly now. It’s a great development of his character.

But the feeling of doubt about Hannibal likely resurfaces further after Will sees that Hannibal replaced him and Abigail with Bedelia in E6 (hence his hatred for her since that moment). He mocks her alibi and then leaves to reunite with Hannibal. The following moment was deleted, but it still discloses some of Will’s romantic feelings:

*Will: I looked up at the night sky there. Orion above the horizon and, near it, Jupiter. I wondered if you could see it, too. I wondered if our stars were the same.*

From the words that did get into the episode:

*Will: You and I have begun to blur ... We're conjoined. Curious if either of us can survive separation.*

Will doesn’t just admit the bond between them, he elevates it the level of soulmates, implying they are one and the same. It’s also a declaration of love in his language. But love doesn’t stop Will from being vindictive, hurt, and angry, so after meetings with Chiyoh and Bedelia that affected his perception, he pulls out a knife as he and Hannibal are walking together.

There is a brain-sawing disaster after this and E7, where Will looks done and tired from the madness and his constant attempts to figure Hannibal out. He does bite Cordell before looking at Hannibal, seeking his approval; he uses “we” pronouns when speaking about Hannibal with Alana. One example:

*Will: You helped Mason Verger find us.*

So, he still sees himself and Hannibal as a team, but he’s still tired and bitter, so after everything is over, he hurts Hannibal by saying he doesn’t share his appetite and by attacking him emotionally.

*Will: I miss my dogs. I'm not going to miss you. I'm not going to find you. I'm not going to look for you. I don't want to know where you are or what you do. I don't want to think about you anymore.*

This is all personal and emotional. It sounds like a break-up, which is exactly how Bryan Fuller and others referred to it. When Hannibal leaves and Jacks arrives, Will puts on his glasses, an indication that he’s hiding again.

Fast-forward 3 years. Will is married now, but from the very start, we see that this marriage isn’t all people usually expect it to be. The first scene shows the family apart. Molly and Walter have gone fishing, which is something Will loves. He had dreams about teaching Abigail how to fish, but he doesn’t go to do that with his family, preferring to stay alone instead. It’s the first hint that his heart isn’t in this relationship, that he’s too hung up on the past to move forward and make new happy memories.

Jack came to drag him to Dragon’s case, and Will makes it look like he’s reluctant. At the same time, he doesn’t send Jack away, even though we know from the past that he has no qualms being frank when he wants to. More than that, he asks him not to show pics to Molly, but when they have dinner, Will deliberately leaves the house with Walter, leaving Jack and Molly together. At night, when Molly’s asleep, he crawls out of bed and goes to read Hannibal’s letter. He doesn’t tell the truth to Molly about himself and his dark urges, about everything he has done – Molly clearly has no idea who he truly is, considering how she jokes about his ‘criminal mind’ in later episodes and how Will immediately closes himself off from her. He never initiates physical touches with her; he doesn’t return her “I love you”, which is an even bigger indication of his lack of commitment. Will is emotionally stiff with Molly for the most part, and the only times he laughs with her or shows any emotion is when they are talking about superficial stuff in the former case and when he’s furious after Francis’ attack in the latter one. Other than that, there is no closeness or honesty.

Another point of Will’s inability to express or even give his love to someone is in his scene with Walter in E11. This child, his step-son, has just been attacked by a serial killer with his mother. His mother was hurt and they barely escaped. Will doesn’t hug him or offer him paternal emotional comfort; he’s very awkward. All he says is, “You're both safe here,” which is something an officer might say but not a father. Will was much more emotional in his fantasies about Abigail.

This is what Will says about Walter’s reaction to Jack:

*Will: He read about me in a Freddie Lounds article. I had to justify myself to an eleven year old.*

He’s resentful and not emotional. He doesn’t say, “I had to justify myself to my son!” – he distances himself from him. Will is cold. He has expressed his feelings for Hannibal at this point in rather poetic ways, but he can’t be bothered to do this for his wife and his son.

He treats Hannibal in a very reserved fashion too, in comparison to how he acted 3 years ago. However: first, there is the fact that he came to visit him in the first place. Will didn’t need his help, we saw very clearly how he managed to easily reconstruct the crime scene the night before. It proved that his mindset is in a good shape, so he didn’t need Hannibal’s assistance. But it’s Hannibal he requested to see right away.

Will distances himself from him by calling him “Doctor Lecter” and insisting that he’s more comfortable the less personal they are. His eyes glisten, though, and he can’t look away from Hannibal. The impersonal approach doesn’t last very long, too, and soon, they are talking like they always did. Hannibal accuses Will of marrying for false reasons.

*Hannibal: How did you choose yours? Readymade wife and child to serve your needs. A stepson or daughter. A stepson absolves you of any biological blame. You know better than to breed. Can't pass on those terrible traits you fear the most.*

Will doesn’t bother to deny it, though any man would have been offended, particularly if he truly loved his family. In Will’s case, from the experience and all the precedents, silence = agreement.

In E10, Will seeks Bedelia out. He acts catty and jealous, targeting her personal connection with Hannibal.

*Will: You didn't lose yourself, Bedelia, you just crawled so far up his ass you couldn't be bothered.* - personal, targeted against Bedelia's attachment to Hannibal.

*Will: You hitched your star to a man commonly known as a monster. You're the Bride of Frankenstein.* - personal, attack with romantic connotation. Bedelia catches up on it and mocks him:

*Bedelia: We've both been his bride. Have you been to see him?*

*Will: Yes.*

*Bedelia: Haven't learned anything, have you? Or did you just miss him that much?*

*Will: Have you been to see him?* - personal again. Will wants to know if Bedelia is keeping contact with Hannibal.

*Bedelia: I've seen enough of him. I was with him behind the veil. You were always on the other side.*

*Will: Something we should talk about.* - again, personal. It's all personal, which is why Bryan and Hugh called them Hannibal's jealous bitchy exes. Will is palpably jealous and he shows his resentment to Bedelia openly.

Later, we have some more romantic references.

*Bedelia: My relationship with Hannibal is not as passionate as yours. You are here visiting old flame. Is your wife aware of how intimately you and Hannibal know each other? … Your experience of Hannibal’s attention is so profoundly harmful yet so irresistible, it undermines your ability to think rationally.*

So, there is romantic text, parallels between Hannibal and Will’s wife, and Will doesn’t deny any of this again. He keeps coming to Bedelia because she’s the only person he can talk about Hannibal to without being watched.

After Hannibal sends Francis after Molly and Walter, Will spends about a minute being angry with him. Then he accuses Hannibal of staging a competition between him and Francis. It is startling: Will spent months, years mourning the loss of Abigail who he didn’t even really know personally, yet he forgets the gravity of what happened to his wife and won very quickly. He leaves Molly and Walter and tells Bedelia that they are finished. One traumatic event, and Will left. It coincides with something very important that happened here: after this, Will finally figures out Hannibal is truly in love with him. So he goes to Bedelia to discuss it with her.

*Will: Is Hannibal in love with me?*

*Bedelia: Could he daily feel a stab of hunger for you, and find nourishment at the very sight of you? Yes. But do you ache for him?*

Will is predictably silent. Obviously, if the answer was no, he would have said no. But he struggles because like we established, he has issues with expressing emotions. He only managed to start referring to Hannibal as his friend openly in this season, opening up about some of his feelings, but he’s not ready to go this far. It would be absolutely out of character for Will to say, “Yes, you know, I’m in love with him! Thanks for helping me see it.” Every confession Will makes is preceded by struggles and heartbreak. But he’s going to reply to Bedelia’s question, only not explicitly-verbally.

Will sets up Chilton and then comes to allegedly say good-bye to Hannibal. He lies several times in their conversation (about Chilton and Molly with Walter), so all his words are automatically suspicious. Regardless, he destroys Hannibal emotionally and walks away. Personally, I believe he was already planning to break him out, so he was playing it up for cameras and also taking a chance to hurt Hannibal for everything again. But whatever his plan was, what happens next is that Will conspires with Francis against Jack, Alana, and the FBI. They agree to break Hannibal out together. Will lies to Jack and then gets to ask Hannibal for help. He’s being flirty and manipulative in this scene.

*Will: I need you, Hannibal … You're our best shot, Hannibal. Please.*

He’s smirking, he leans close to Hannibal, he sends him a flirty look from under his eyelashes. Will is thoroughly enjoying himself, and he does it best when he has some excuse to hide behind.

Later, he lies to Jack and Alana again, leaks info to Francis (who nearly killed his wife and son), and gets many officers killed by proxy. He tells Bedelia the truth that he doesn’t “intend Hannibal to be caught a second time.” He also implies that he’s going to let him go free, which is why Bedelia should pack her bags.

*Bedelia: Can't live with him. Can't live without him. Is that what this is?*

This time, Will agrees, although in his way.

*Will: I guess this is my Becoming.*

For Will, Becoming was always connected to his feelings for Hannibal because accepting himself and his darkness meant being free to escape with Hannibal.

*Bedelia: You found religion. Nothing more dangerous than that.*

In E3, it was stated that love is a God (you can find more here https://www.reddit.com/r/HannibalTV/comments/7w54dg/lovegodreligion_s3_parallels/), so it’s possible to say that religion = love in this context. It certainly makes sense. Will is accepting himself and his emotions, and the trigger was establishing for sure that Hannibal is in love with him.

Will and Hannibal drive to the cliff house. When Hannibal asks Will if he intends to save himself by killing them both (Hannibal and Francis), Will replies:

*Will: I don't know if I can save myself. And maybe that's just fine.*

This is the first time he confesses that he might be incapable of killing Hannibal. Predictably, when Francis comes, Will can’t handle seeing Hannibal killed, so he reaches for his gun.

Will and Hannibal work as a unit and protect each other. Hannibal is shot, nearly strangled, thrown onto the ground, and he is still weakly holding on Francis' leg to prevent him from going after Will, even though it leaves him in an open and vulnerable position — Francis does kick him in the face with his other leg. There is fierce determination on Will's face as he stands up despite the pain and runs to save Hannibal. They act in synch, consummating their relationship.

Then, Will admires how blood looks on his hand and repeats Hannibal’s words:

*Will: It really does look black in the moonlight.*

He remembers the words Hannibal said to him weeks ago in one of their endless interactions. A bit earlier, he perfectly recalled the words Hannibal told him *years* ago, back in the middle of S2.

*Will: I understand that “blood and breath are only elements undergoing change to fuel your Radiance." Hannibal said those words. To me.*

So, Will remembers everything Hannibal told him. He stores these memories. It’s a small but still important proof how important Hannibal is for him.

At the cliff, Will finally accepts the truth.

*Hannibal: See. This is all I ever wanted for you, Will. For both of us.*

We know what Hannibal wanted: a Murder Husband. What does Will say to this?

*Will: It’s beautiful.*

This is a loud “yes” to Bedelia’s question about his feelings. Will acknowledges, accepts, and admires them. He doesn’t feel awkward, as he would if he knew Hannibal is in love with him but didn’t feel the same. No, he reaches forward to embrace him, and such physical contact from Will is mind-blowing because he almost never does it. He clings to Hannibal, puts his head on his shoulder, touches him as if he wants to melt with him. Then he gives the fate a chance to stop both of them or to set them free. They fall into the ocean under the Love Crime song, another romantic element.

Water symbolizes reborn, and post-credits scene indicates that Will and Hannibal have paid a visit to Bedelia and are in the process of eating her while she’s hiding the fork to stab one of them as he approaches. The deleted epilogue to the series shows that they are in perfect harmony now.

**Conclusion**: Will has passed through a long, painful journey. He went from hiding from emotions and deflecting to not denying and carefully acknowledging them. We don’t hear words “love” or “in love” from him in relation to Hannibal because Will is not that kind of person. He doesn’t use these words freely, and for him, every small emotional step is a struggle. He tried to deceive himself and other numerous times; he tied to deny the truth and manipulate his own mind, but with each season, his feelings for Hannibal became more and more explicit. Will reaching out for physical contact, Will saying “It’s beautiful” are his way of saying, “I ached for you. I love you.”

This is a story of mutual love and obsession, about soulmates, about unique type of connection that few people share. It’s not about Hannibal falling in love and Will not feeling the same. Their feelings are equally strong, but they express them differently, particularly as Will’s are tied to the acceptance of his own darkness.

[spacetimewraithwrites-archive]

Fictober ‘21 Prompt No. 1 — “I need you.”

Category: Original WIP: WASTE Rating: T Timeline: Not too long after Guetry has been implanted with Scotty CW: None Word Count: 1,142 Additional Notes: I love exploring the relationship between these two.

***

Guetry stared through the opening of the mine shaft, flat on his back across austere stone. His eyes were not focused on the night sky painted with diamonds and the rich purple of wines made in his vineyard, as it would have appeared to a bystander. His attention was, instead, zeroed in on the small hole in the visor of his helmet, currently sending the HUD into hysterics and draining him of air with each passing second.

“S...Scotty,” he choked.

“You have twenty minutes before asphyxiation,” Scotty said. Matter-of-fact, directly in his ear, as always. Even in the face of fatality. “I cannot seal the breach as my connection to your equipment has been severed.”

Despite the situation, his cadence did somewhat have a soothing effect.

Guetry closed his eyes and reached up to assess the extent of the damage to the helmet. “What do I do?” he asked. His chest heaved under the breastplate of his armor as he attempted to steady his breath and not waste what little oxygen he could get. “What...what do I do? What button, what switch...?”

“I have no connection to your team.” Scotty sputtered violet in the corner of Guetry’s eye. “Other than the automatic distress signal that went out as soon as your visor sustained damage.”

“Shit...shit.” Guetry rolled himself onto his side, scrambling for purchase on solid ground. “Twenty m—twenty minutes. Twenty minutes.”

“There’s been some trauma to your implant as well, as I’m certain you can discern for yourself.”

Guetry’s frantic gaze darted around the shaft, desperate for an escape or something to close the breach before he blacked out. “Scotty...please stop telling me things that are up—upsetting to me.”

“The fall into the mine cracked the back of your helmet open. The damage is permanent.”

“What the hell did I just say,” Guetry wheezed. He yanked the helmet off his head with shaking hands and threw it farther into the mine.

“Are you in pain?”

“I don’t know. I can’t feel most of anything right now.” Guetry took a few sharp breaths. “You gotta keep me going until someone gets here, or until I get out of here, whichever comes first.”

“I’m not sure I follow.”

Guetry tried to drag himself closer to the entrance, but his arms had already begun to fail him. “Scotty, I don’t plan on dying today. Keep...keep my brain alive or something. Do literally anything.”

“My designation doesn’t work in that way. I can’t sustain you when there isn’t sufficient oxygen.” Scotty paused as Guetry gave up in the center of the opening and collapsed onto his stomach. “I also don’t think I made myself clear. I’m unable to access life support.”

Guetry went still. “Do something.”

“Guetry—”

“I need you. Please.”

Scotty once again fell silent. “I will attempt to contact your team again.”

With strength he was surprised he had at the moment, Guetry pushed himself onto his back. “Hey, if I...” He broke out into a hacking cough as his lungs strained to sap oxygen out of the air. “If I don’t make it, send my sisters...and my dad a message.”

“When I am tethered to you, the event of your death will permanently deactivate me.”

Nodding, Guetry swallowed. He opened the front pouch of his supply kit and withdrew a flare. “Tell my sisters and my dad that I love you.”

“You love...them?”

Guetry ripped the packaging of the flare open with his teeth, the edges of his vision turning black. He took a couple shallow breaths. “Yeah. We can pretend that’s what I meant.”

He raised the flare and fired it straight through the opening of the mine. A single flash of red light exploded upward, carried a bit by the gaseous wind of the planet’s surface before disappearing into the sky.

“Think they saw it?” Guetry asked weakly, hand dropping onto his chest.

Scotty didn’t answer.

Guetry's eyes grew heavy. “Don’t...don’t give up on me. Not now.”

“I could say the same.”

“Say it, then.”

“Don’t give up on me, Guetry.”

Guetry watched a dark blur move over the mine entrance. The words echoed in his mind repeatedly until he was no longer conscious.

---

He awoke again in a bed, clocking before he even opened his eyes that he was in a med fac somewhere. He’d been in enough of them to pinpoint them by smell alone.

Dazia’s tired face turned to him from her spot in the chair across the room. “Morning, sleepyhead.”

“Oh, shit,” Guetry groaned, bringing a ginger touch to his forehead as a headache slammed into him with the force of a meteor.

“Good to see you, too, jackass.”

“Did you pull me out of that mine?” Guetry peeked at her through his fingers, avoiding the harsh light.

Dazia nodded. “Yep. Your little stunt sent Tux into a panic spiral so I had to pick up the slack.”

“It did not,” the nuaclan said from the other side of the room.

Guetry laughed even though it hurt his throat. “The only thing that would send Tux into a panic spiral is if someone took so long to get rid of my body that it implicated her.” He turned to look at her with a grin. “Ain’t that right, baby girl?”

Tux rolled her eyes, but the smirk stretching across her wide face said enough. “Idiot.”

“They had to take Scotty for a bit,” Dazia said. “It won’t be for much longer. NodeSource fixed your implant—they’re just running diagnostics to make sure everything’s square.”

“Okay. That explains the migraine.” Guetry nodded, a hand coming up to his temple on instinct. His fingers knocked into the cable leading out of his port and into a terminal next to his bed, likely operating to take over a fraction of what Scotty maintained. “He deserves a wellness check.”

When they were united later, after his doctor and a NodeSource technician made sure everything functioned normally and after Guetry had started a game of solitaire on his bed, he sighed into the empty room, eyes following the cable attaching him to the computer.

“Is everything alright?” Scotty asked.

“Yeah, man.” Guetry sniffed. He turned a card over. “Just...hope you don’t make a habit out of scaring me.”

He detected a hint of hesitation. “I won’t.”

“...I guess I owe you an apology, too.”

“Not for doing your job, you don’t.”

Guetry cracked a small smile. “I could say the same.”

“Then say so.”

He glanced through the two-way viewscreen affording him a look out into the hospital corridor while granting him privacy. Doctors, nurses, and patients milled about, some in more of a hurry than others.

“I’ll do my best not to worry you too much,” he finally said.

“Worry is not within my programming.”

“Nah.” Guetry’s smile widened. “Don’t buy it.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a while.

[justhewayfaringstranger]

So, I've wanted to address this topic for a while and this post I read this morning while having breakfast is a sort of response from the universe.

I would say to start by explaining a simple concept.

Demons and spirits are not the same thing, but rather, they vary from each other. Likewise, spirits and ghosts are not the same.

• Creatures understood as "demons" exist in all religions; they are supernatural beings, typically associated with the evil, historically prevalent in religions, occultism, literature, fiction, mythology and folklore;

• "spirits" are instead organized energy with at least a certain level of sensitivity that has an energy body and in most cases also an astral body. The Latin word is a translation of the Greek prneuma ("breath", "air", "vital breath") and to some extent it can be seen in the apeiron of the Presocratic Anaximander, who had to some extent dematerialized the archè (Greek: ἀρχή ) of the other Ionian naturalists, the original principle of the universe and of every part of it, impalpable and invisible but still material, as shown by another void that, blowing inside it, fills with air matter. With the Stoics, the term begins to be compared to today's one of spirit. The pneuma belongs to the god who gives life to things and guides them according to his wishes. The pneuma is a force that manifests itself not only in the individual man but is present in all things as the "soul of the world". They are ancient entities like the world itself, part of the primordial chaos and consequently neutral in themselves;

• the term “ghost” refers instead to any incorporeal entity. The term ghost comes from the Greek φάντασμα phàntasma, which in turn derives from φαντάζω (phantàzo, "to show"; from the root φαν-, which expresses the idea of ​​"appearing" and "showing"), and had the meaning of apparition (understood as a supernatural manifestation) and only with time has its meaning been restricted to indicating the apparition of a deceased.

In 1800, with the birth of the practice of spiritism in France, it ended up rendering in the common imagination "spirits" and "ghosts" similar entities, if not true synonyms.

The French pedagogue Allan Kardec after observing a series of phenomena, formulated the hypothesis that such phenomena could only be attributed to incorporeal intelligences (spirits). Spiritual communications took place "thanks to the intervention of a medium", that is a person with particular skills who acted as mediator between spirits and living beings, during the so-called séance. This became a busines for many and most of the spiritualists were actually charlatans who swore to the victims that they could talk to the dead. In most cases, those who could afford to turn to a medium, were economically wealthy and of high rank lost and therefore for the scammer it was certainly not difficult to obtain information (even intimate) about the deceased and those around him, if at this was added some well-orchestrated play of smoke and lights, here is the "grandmother's ghost".

Having understood this, one wonders what it is then what we understand as a "ghost of a person". It is a trace left by the living. On a scientific level, death doesn't exist. From the chemical-physical point of view we are isolated systems that receive energy and produce it. But the universe itself is a closed system. So our energy is the energy of the universe. We are universe. What happens when we die? Our energy returns to the universe system. But as we know, energy is neither created nor destroyed, but it changes. So our energy is energy that has been changed in the past by others, and will be changed by others when we are gone. Death doesn't exist because energy is immortal. The energy that I am using now to tap on my laptop keyboard is the same energy that Gaius Julius Caesar used to pull the reins of his horse and to cross the Rhine. And it will be the energy that in the future a scientist will use to to be able to travel between the various space-time dimensions. Death doesn't exist, and the life of one is the life of all.

To simplify then, what we mean as the ghost of Marilyn Monroe for example, is nothing more than a sort of energetic gif of Marilyn Monroe.

I'll give you another example. Anne Boleyn died by beheading, therefore by a violent and unjust death. In this situation, she is likely to have felt strong emotions and released a huge and consistent huge amount of energy as a result. Let's say that Henry VIII was present at the execution along with a bunch of other people, let's also say that he went back to that place (or others where Anne felt strong emotions and therefore released large amounts of energy) and thought about her, let's say that Elizabeth I also thought of her mother and so many other people. All these emotions have turned into energy. If we saw energy as a palette of colors, it would be as if: the more consistent the emotions, the more intense the color, therefore, the more energy we send (even unconsciously) to the energetic image of Anne Boleyn (the energetic gif), the clearer this will be where most of the energy is concentrated (eg the Tower of London, a room in the building, etc.).

So when we go to a "haunted" place, what we see is not the "person", but a kind of still image. And according to the speech above, it is therefore normal to find this type of freeze frame in places such as castles, hospitals, etc. then if these are found on natural energy centers or lines… bingo!

Speaking instead of spirits, as mentioned before, there are no good or bad spirits. Good and bad as well as light and dark, like day and night, are a contrast present in many traditions, including native ones. This duality can also be referred to the human being and represent a moment of acting or thinking of a person. You can think and act towards the light or towards the darkness and this can also happen to shamans.

Just think of the ego and when it takes over, or when you try to manipulate, at that moment you are not in the light. But it can happen and that doesn't mean being good or bad. Acting, in fact, can also be connected with a person's karma and precisely follow what is required by this spiritual law.

Light and darkness, as in the human world, are also reflected in the world of spirits and even in this case they do not absolutely determine the condition of goodness or badness. Spirits, who in the light can be protectors, guides or allies, can also move in the dark dimension.

And if we think like the natives that everything has a spirit and that it can move between light and darkness, we can understand how there can be spirits that are particularly powerful and able to move very strong energies such as to create an effect in ordinary reality.

It is important to know the distinction between light and shadow because, from an early age, we were educated to separate the good from the bad, the right from the wrong, but for this we have become very sensitive when it comes to going to work on our shadows. As I told you, light and shadow are states of being that we all have within us. Working with shadows doesn't mean black magic, witchcraft or whatever. Simply observe the aspects of light and be able to deal with those of shadow as well. Light and darkness are two sides of the same coin that it is important to integrate.

Being half Latin, therefore leaning towards a culture extremely linked to its roots and above all to the relationship with mental spirits, it isn't difficult for me to understand this concept, and therefore despite being a Christian, I have no problem in defining myself as a witch. Of course, coming to this awareness wasn't easy, as I am partly European and therefore I grew up in a society in a Western society that is scared of what it cannot control. After years of researching my origins, my culture and theological studies, I have come to find my balance.

Returning, however, to the main reason for this post, having made the necessary explanations (and given the tools for a critical analysis of the matter), here are the points on which I personally disagree and why:

Reading books about witchcraft: Knowledge for educational purposes is by no means negative, quite the opposite. The question is whether the aforementioned "about witchcraft" book is a "spell book" or some sort of "sacred book". For example, if I find the Necronomicon tomorrow and start reading it without knowing what it is, it is likely that I will find myself living the remake of The Conjuring in the real life.

Casting most types of spells, including hexes: Same speech made in the previous point. One of the first rules of witchcraft is "know your practice". You must be aware that what you are doing is not a game and every action has consequences, even if you don't believe in the rule of 3 (everything you do comes back to you 3 times). In the specific case of curse and hexes spells, they are the most treacherous and dangerous, because you are working with dark and malevolent energies. This type of practice in particular is a double-edged weapon, which is why many witches advise against them and propose alternative methods if possible.

Practicing divination: It isn't always negative, but in some types of divination the help and guidance of spirits and divinities is sought. For example, I often do bibliomancy with the bible and even if I first ask for God's guidance, in front of each answer I ask for confirmation, because the devil was the most beautiful angel in heaven and just as darkness does not allow us to see. where we go, even a dazzling light can deceive us.

Playing with Ouija or other talking boards: Ouija is not a game and it is an extremely dangerous tool, precisely because what you do is contact spirits and entities and you cannot know who will answer the other side. Nothing good anyway.

Putting up fantasy or non-Christian artwork: Have you ever seen Annabel? Here, the principle is the same. Be careful what you bring into your home, as home is a sacred space, and nothing can enter without you giving it permission. So if you not only invite it, but rather you bring it inside and give it a space, don't come and complain to me if it is difficult to send it away.

Celebrating pagan holidays: If it's a holiday of a closed religion, avoid ruining your life. Holidays basically consist of performing rituals that often involve spirits. Learn about the history of that holiday you want to celebrate, the symbols, the rituals, and why it is celebrated in that particular way.

Celebrating Halloween: The same as the previous point, except that we all (or almost all) know that samahin is the day when the space where the veil falls and the two worlds come into contact.

Watching scary movies and TV shows: I'm not saying that if you watch The Exorcist you will be possessed, but I can't assure you otherwise either. I took The Exorcist as an example because it is known that a real ritual is performed in the movie and a lot of "disturbing" things have happened on the set of the film and to the actors. When you watch a movie, even if it is fictional, if for example it performs an evocation or a ritual you are not only witnessing, you are participating in all respects. Be careful, every person is different.

Reading (horror novels, fantasy books, comics and graphic novels). Playing (tabletop RPGs, LARP games, video games): Same as the previous point.

Listening to heavy metal music, dancing: It goes for any kind of music actually. Do you know how many pop songs I use as a spell?

Dyeing your hair: I'm not saying you'll invoke a demon, but for many cultures cutting your hair makes you more vulnerable to spiritual attack and color is an essential aspect of witchcraft.

Swearing: Wishing someone who has crossed your path death is considered a curse in all respects. Even if done unconsciously.

Drinking: Drinking, smoking… shamans have used alcohol and drugs for centuries to connect with in the spiritual world.

Having tattoos and piercings: As long as you don't tattoo Aramaic words that you don't know the meaning of, everything is fine. Before getting a tattoo in a symbol you saw in a temple in Mexico, find out the meaning of it. I'll give you an example: my cousin once bought a T-shirt with the words "puta madre" (mother whore). He had bought it only because he liked it, without knowing the meaning of the word.

Now, most of these points are mainly related to intention. As I said before, I often use music in my spells, but if for example, I use "can't be touch by Roy jones" for a protection and encouragement spell (eg a manifestation) and a few months later I listen to the same song on the radio doesn't mean it will work like a spell again. In many cases it is a question of intention. Yhat's why it is important to educate yourself.

[geekns]

last night’s breakdown or...spectrum confessions

So i just wanted to saying something about the meltdown that some of you might have noticed last night (i know a couple of you did, though i think i managed to keep most of it under wraps).

I have a medical condition. It causes me to feel anxious and depressed. Constantly. To varying degrees. I take medication for it. I’ve tried to learn how to manage it. I try to hide it because the general public does not understand this condition. Furthermore, i don’t want to share the underlying trauma with anyone and everyone. I want to come across as a functioning adult as much as possible.

So even while I have spent fifteen years learning how to forgive the people who hurt me. And something like six months in therapy. And around two years being medicated...I still have occasional breakdowns.

Sometimes i still have a night where everything that i’m trying to keep copacetic, and acknowledged but not given free reign, takes over. It refuses to be medicated or meditated or prayed into compliance. It takes over me and pours out of me whether i want it or not. Suddenly i am not functioning, i am sobbing uncontrollably, and terrified, and feel guilty, and unloved, and imprisoned. And in those moments i want nothing more than to die. A part of me does not even trust myself not to harm myself. I want to be held (but am always alone). I want to protected (but never am). I am normally the person who takes care of others, no one ever takes care of me.

And i feel physically sick. Nausea, a headache, and body aches. Full body grief. Last night i was seeing flashing lights behind my eyelids as if i was having a seizure or on a bad trip. And the panic: the panic is in control, I cannot think straight. Even if i tell myself positive things, or try to use strategies for calming down, try to quiet my raging thoughts, the panic has free reign. It is in full control. And the only thing i can do is curl up in bed hugging my stuffed animal, clutching my blanket, waiting for it to end. And it won’t end until after I’ve slept it off. And I can’t sleep because I’m in fight or flight mode.

Maybe I should do some kickboxing when I get like this.

I’m going to confess, it was probably the worst it’s been in years last night. I was even trying to go to my safe place, and was kind of getting there (i usually can’t do my best safe place visualizing anymore, i think it’s the meds), but the person who normally talks me down from these things was not feeling safe last night. (His likeness was part of the reason i was freaking out tbh.) But even though i didn’t really want him there he didn’t go away, he stayed with me until i fell asleep.

I have imaginary friends sort of. Apparently they’re called tulpa? Though i don’t create or really control them, they just show up fully formed. Mostly when i’m panicking or worried. Whenever i need to talk things through that i have no one to talk to. The thing is, they always wear the likeness of real people, usually celebrities that play characters i strongly identify with. I used to get advice from Picard and Gandalf and Archer for instance. All of us sitting around a campfire on a beach. They’re always men, i don’t know why. (Hmm maybe that goes to daimons?) 

For example: one time i was on a train in Japan, underground, and a drunk man started yelling at two women halfway down the car. And i had a panic attack. And suddenly i was visualizing Twelve/PC talking me down from it, telling me to breathe, that i was safe, etc. Distracting me from the danger. (Two things: i read a story about him talking another fan down from a panic attack outside a convention later. And another male passenger escorted the drunk off the train at the next stop, but i was still panicking for a while. I still had to change trains and it would take me another hour to get home for the night.)

So part of the thing is that the thoughts i usually keep under control, don’t allow myself to dwell on, acknowledge but keep muted with optimism, become deafening and take over when this happens. I think way back when it would be 1-2 times a month, then 1-2 times a quarter, and now it’s 1-2 times a year, but it still happens. I used to just let all of the darkness come pouring out, usually through writing. I’m always alone. And i suppose it’s cathartic, but it’s horrific while it’s happening. I don’t recognize myself, the girl who never gives up and is always glass is 100% full. I don’t want to let others see it even as i’m desperate to be loved and held and accepted as i am.

It’s hard to explain.

When i wake up the next morning the darkness is gone. It’s quiet again, and i feel “normal” (normal for me). It’s hold is gone. Now i always live with a baseline amount of anxiety and depression, even while medicated. If i take too much medication i can’t sleep (i’m already an insomniac, i don’t need drugs making it worse) and so i can’t feel any sexual arousal at all...it really bothers me. It’s hard enough for me to become properly aroused without suppressing it entirely. I generally have to fantasize about something very specific (which let me tell you, the majority of you wouldn’t find to be sexy at all).

When i first went on the meds i spent months where i didn’t feel anything (other than that i was suddenly very chatty and animated in a completely uncharacteristic way) and i hated it. My mom doesn’t understand, doesn’t see repressed sexuality as a downside when i’m not married.

Re: asexuality. My grandma was on the spectrum (we always joke she had sex at least four times...resulting in four kids) and my mother probably is, too. I have had two short-lived dating relationships in which my only sexual desire was to satisfy my partner really. I don’t enjoy kissing. I do have a libido that’s greater than either my mother or grandma’s...but like i said, it’s fucked up and not initiated by any of the conventional methods. Kissing doesn’t make me feel like getting down, for instance. At least in my (so far limited) experience. I keep hoping that i’m actually demi and just need to meet the right person to make this a little bit easier for me. But it will probably just be something i have to work through for the rest of my life. 

Perhaps i should stipulate that I want to want to have sex. And when i do want to have sex i am always alone. And when i am with someone else the things that attract me are just odd. Being read aloud to, or talked to about nerdy things, got me farther than anything else. But it’s not the content so much as the mind that’s behind what’s being expressed.

I am certainly no expert on this subject. My therapist had never heard of demisexuality and had no input on asexuality. In other words, they were absolutely no help when it came to working through these issues, which is where I wanted to go (partially because i feel it may be tied in with my PTSD and is being repressed by fear).

Five types of attraction:

Romantic attraction: desiring a romantic relationship with someone

Aesthetic attraction: being attracted to someone based on how they look

Sensual or physical attraction: wanting to touch, hold, or cuddle someone

Platonic attraction: wanting to be friends with someone

Emotional attraction: wanting an emotional connection with someone

Most of my attraction is towards fictional characters (and to a varying extent the actors who play them). Both of my RL partners would only be physically expressive in private. They wouldn’t touch me in public. Or even in private spaces with others present. There was one i didn’t really know all that well and another who had hidden a lot from me up to that point even though he claimed he didn’t believe in hiding things from the person you’re dating. And we would be physical in private to varying degrees but i was left feeling largely unfulfilled. I kind of struggle with these definitions. Both of the guys I dated i had zero aesthetic attraction to but did have physical attraction to whereas they only wanted to express themselves sexually.

I strongly desire having a romantic relationship with someone but have for a very long time only had romantic attraction for fictional characters. I fairly recently had a physical and romantic attraction to someone for the first time, at first based on sapiosexual attraction that later became aesthetic attraction (why is there no listed attraction for this? I am usually attracted to people’s minds first).

I have very strong aesthetic attraction to certain actors...and this is a large part of the reason that i know i’m bi. But it isn’t only aesthetic for really strong attraction because i am sapiosexual and also strongly attracted to damaged, often misunderstood, people/characters. Case in point: Loki and Missy. In these cases i have strong physical attraction but not sexual attraction. I cannot fathom having sex with most characters or actors or people I meet in RL. I sometimes wonder what casual sex would be like but know that i could never...

I can only remember kissing someone (also a character) in a dream once and immediately put a stop to it, not because i wasn’t attracted to that person, but because they were unavailable in my mind. They were part of an OTP that i was not in. So there’s a strong romantic component for me.

Sensual or physical attraction is actually something I fantasize about a lot but have never experienced...outside of one platonic relationship. I had a friend when I lived in Japan who I wasn’t even particularly close to. But right away she would ask me if she could lean on me, lay against my lap, later link arms with. I can’t remember if we ever held hands. She was Chinese, and for an Asian girl this is very normal to do with platonic friends. Koreans call this “skin sisters.”

It was really weird for me because my own sisters don’t even want to do those sorts of things with me. I sometimes want to lean against my mother but most of my sisters would punch me rather than let me touch them affectionately. My youngest sister, once I came back from Japan, had reached a point where she was bolder and will goose, grope, grab, poke, pinch, try to pop my toes...it’s very disconcerting. She does things to me in front of others that i consider to be more sexual than platonic. Possibly because my only frame of reference is my father doing the same to my mother. She’s the only sister who will sometimes lean against me. But that was only after this friendship in Japan that was more physical than any of my “romantic” but-definitely-not-romantic partners. No kissing, but the sort of physical expression that i most long for.

Platonic attraction is rare for me. Extremely rare. Any platonic relationship i have pursued has always inevitably ended with spectacular heartbreak. In high school i was always on the outside. One platonic friendship ended dramatically (she had been hiding things from me, which is fine, but it ended badly and she moved away suddenly). Another platonic relationship fizzled because she was my best friend but i was just another friend for her. And whenever this happens to me, i am the friend that all plans will be cancelled with because the other friends have preference. And there was no big break there, i was old enough to not be heartbroken by it as i had by earlier examples of this. We still converse on FB and i am the person she came to first when she accidentally got pregnant in college. Have i mentioned that i’m the should people come to when they need emotional support? I’m a good listener and not judgmental and know when to give advice and when to stay mum.

Which brings me to spiritual attraction. We aren’t merely physical or mental beings. There is something else there. And my empathy, my spiritual center...there are times that i know things that i have no logical business knowing. I don’t always understand it, sometimes it’s a feeling, but my intuition is something that i’ve learned not to ignore. 

My last boss, i could tell he had anger issues. I only caught a glimpse of them once. He really liked me so i was fortunate. But every conversation we had after our initial meeting i could tell (spiritually) that he was potentially very dangerous to me emotionally. The more we interacted the more nervous it made me. Familiarity could lead to a loss of professional discretion.

Latter friend: i knew when she IMed me out of the blue after a six month drought that something big was up. She demurred that she couldn’t talk about it. I knew that the only reason that she had come to me was because she needed to tell me. Again, i had a feeling, and it turned out to be correct. She was pregnant. BF wanted her to abort. She didn’t believe in abortion. One conversation gave her the strength to stand up for herself and give her baby up for adoption.

Grandma: I was unable to go home for thanksgiving. Sister (roommate situation) went to her in-laws. I stayed home alone and worked. I was having panic attacks. I had the most heinous period of my entire life. A couple days later my dad calls me up and says: “Has anyone told you that Grandma is in the hospital? She had a heart attack.” No one had told me anything, I somehow knew something was wrong anyway. My brain just couldn’t make sense of it.

Kate Mulgrew: I somehow knew that she was looking for her daughter. Then-me interpreted this as Janeway having a missing daughter, expecting her to show up on the show and join the crew. What i didn’t realize that this was a real longing and need. I have carried this knowledge with me for over twenty years. I found out sometime within the past year that she had become pregnant early in her acting career, while on Ryan’s Hope, given her daughter up for closed adoption, regret it, and it was while she was on Voyager and coming into my awareness she was desperately searching for her, trying to find her, and did in fact find her. I had no rational way knowing any of that deeply personal information. I felt it anyway; deeply. In fact, it changed my life.

Which comes to emotional attraction. I really wanted to be an actor or an author. I don’t think I can memorize or anymore, my aphasia makes it extremely difficult to ad lib/improvise because there are road blocks where i cannot spontaneously retrieve the words i’m looking for. I don’t know if i’ll ever finish a novel, i’m hoping just to finish a lengthy fanfic at this point and then see what comes. A year ago i was doing much better, now it just feels like i’m under attack on all sides. But i feel a strong emotional attraction to artistic people in general.

This sometimes manifests as a sexual attraction for a short time. Sometimes. I can fantasize about a physical attraction...usually in the form of me comforting or being comforted. Sharing burdens. If i know that someone i’m attracted to or love is hurting then it hurts me, often with actual physical sensations (again with the spiritual connections). This tends to cause me to feel as if i “know people” or am kindred spirits with actors, authors, singers, etc. Again, i will sometimes know things that there’s no reason for me to know and is often pointless since it doesn’t enable me to comfort them when they don’t even know i exist.

I am generally okay with this, though it’s sometimes overwhelming. Sometime it feels like an inside joke or shared experience (rare for me outside family members) and gives me ecstatic joy. It’s really weird being an empath.

But again back to being demi: characters (or even the actors who play them) will sometimes feel like friends or family. Sometimes it translates to romantic or sexual attraction: this is very rare. It’s happened a handful of times, but it leaves me feeling completely broken. Why can’t i just be a normal person with normal relationships? Generally it is a positive thing because getting to share their experiences (through reading or watching) gives me a fair amount of feeling accepted, having someone to care for, and hope.

I am a very isolated person. I don’t currently have any RL friends. Most of my support network tends to be online but i don’t really have that going on for me since my last breakup (mutual friends seemed to stick with him, though one friend that was my friend first has since decided that he’s completely nuts and conveniently forgotten that she was the one to introduce us and encourage the pairing). And i know i’m weird but i actually don’t mind that. Having friends that live around the world? That have similar interests? But that i don’t have to get dressed and go outside my comfort zone to hang out with? Awesome.

A year ago i was living somewhere very isolated but i was in a good place because i was supporting myself, had been working full time and making career progress for the better part of a year, was okayish with being single, I had my new kitten, I was mostly happy. It would have been the ideal time for me to start a relationship. And i was actually feeling attracted to a coworker! Like that hadn’t happened for me in nearly twenty years!

But he didn’t want to be more. He wanted me to be the friend he went to to unload his emotional issues on. He didn’t want others to know. He didn’t want to be more than “professional” (it wasn’t professional what was going on, not really). And then COVID hit and everything started falling apart. Things had been wrong with that job that i was trying to stay separate from. Drama, potentially criminal actions, emotional outbursts. I got singed a few times. I knew that another coworker hated me. 

The second time they laid me off i packed everything up and moved back home. Upper management had been getting scary. I could tell that Grandma was reaching the end of her life and wanted to be near family. Which led to my last job, which i loved at first but couldn’t keep up with physically and that started to degrade my mental/emotional state. And then grandma died and i fell apart.

I’ve been trying to pull things back together. I really enjoy my current job but i don’t know if it will work out in the long term. The way the economy is going again...it’s scary. When Obama became president his policies were really punishing for the area. I had just graduated from college and couldn’t find full time work. I worked 2-3 part time jobs and lived with my parents because that was all i could afford. 

I went out on a couple of very large limbs trying to better my situation (teaching in Japan, CLD school) and neither has really. They were amazing opportunities but i get homesick. But then when i am here that’s bad for me emotionally. I need to find some sort of balance, and it’s looking like that balance is for me to live somewhere removed from family and only visit a couple times of years. Which i hate to do but i think i need those boundaries for my emotional well being. But i don’t know how i have a hope in hell of affording any of that. I have a couple of months left to figure it out before my lease is up on my apartment, i need to figure things out by then.

So all of this...i’m not trying to complain here. I know that i tend to come off that way because i’m just honest and matter of fact about things. This is the way things are in my experience. I’ve tried various ways to improve them. The reason i’m recording them is not to illicit pity. It’s so people who don’t have to deal with these issues can catch a glimpse of what it’s like and for others who deal with anxiety and depression can see that they’re not alone. That’s a huge deal. Wherever you are in your journey, you’re not alone, it may be a fight unique to your situation, but you’re not alone. Other people are suffering, too, and it’s not a competition. It’s okay.

I know that being single has its benefits. Living alone with a cat is not something i hate as a rule, let me tell you. What i do hate is not having two or more incomes coming into a household. It is extremely difficult in this day and age to make it alone. I don’t want to worry about anything but money is probably that biggest temptation. It leads to feeling like i’m trapped.

That’s probably why many relationships develop (a need for security) but i’m...i say it is like being broken. Maybe i am because of the PTSD. Maybe it’s just my normal for someone on the spectrum (and let me tell you that even claiming this as part of my identity triggers my imposter syndrome...all of this does really. I didn’t have to deal with the same level of physical abuse that many do so why can’t i just get over it, right?). But i dealt with enough that i cannot form relationships on convenience. I have to feel safe. I want to find someone who i could trust to raise kids with, to go the distance with.

Have i said yet that i tend to overthink things? 

I know that there’s not many of you who will have read this far. Thank you. Writing is part of my process in getting things reorganized in my shit show of a brain/heart/etc. The bottom line of this...i am improving grief wise, last night not withstanding. But i still want more. It’s my birthday and Christmas and it’s the hardest time for me in a way. Because it feels like i’m out of time. Another year has been lost forever. Have i made any progress at all? And it feels as if it’s already too late. My main goal in life was to become a mother and i can’t even have casual sex to manage it. I just can’t.

But there are spiritual things i’m trying to work through. That i don’t feel comfortable sharing here, really. Just i wonder about soul mates and twin flames and dreams/visions. I don’t know what the right choice is. Not for sure. And that is killing me because i want to know God’s will and do it. And i’m an impatient person who’s been waiting a particularly long time and i can’t say that i’ve gotten any better at it.

[tsutsukkomi]

HEXL /『ヒール』theory post

( trigger warning for mentions of transphobia, intrusive thoughts, and bullying! )

so here is my interpretation / theory post on what i think Loin’s song HEXL could mean, based mostly on visuals. i would just like to point that i myself am ftm, so this is a bit more of a personal interpretation based on the mv, though i will include very roughly translated lyrics if it adds onto what i'm trying to say.

this is my very first vocaloid theory post! i love loin and this song really hit home for me, so i wanted to write about it. plus lots of visuals because nekozemon’s art for the mv is gorgeous!

to summarize; i believe this song is about an ftm trans boy who was bullied for being trans, and was called a monster for it. at the end of the video, he accepts who he is and, if he truly is a monster, he decides to embrace it.

before i start, here are some things i was able to gather from @loin and @nekozemon’s (the artist’s) twitter. loin (@L0_1N)’s tag line for the song on their twitter describes hexl as “a story of a way of life that is not the leading role” (or at least, that’s what my translation said). nekozemon describes how, when they were younger, they would be forced into the team that would lose rock-paper-scissors in class, and mentioned how they wanted to make use of that experience / feeling in an mv. these are just rough translations though, so take that with a grain of salt!

trans terminology to know: ftm (female to male), afab (assigned female at birth), amab (assigned male at birth), agab (assigned gender at birth)

to me personally, the protagonist in this mv (uniform aside) doesn't look as masculine as, say, the "prince" character (who, for convenience sake, i'll just call prince). if you look at the protagonist at 0:09 and at 0:30 his hair appears to be a little longer and more unkempt than prince's is. this stood out to me and reminded me of when i first cut my hair short, and how messy and unkempt it was, and even though it was short it was still difficult for me to present as entirely masculine, and since this character is wearing a school uniform i’d assume this was their first time cutting their own hair / they’re inexperienced with it.

also, if you squint, the protagonist has pink lips, whereas prince doesn't, and the protagonist also has quite noticeable eyelashes. this character design reminds me a lot of an ftm person who is still slowly transitioning, and despite him wearing the male uniform, his facial features / hair still give away that he is afab.

if you look at prince, he doesn't have pink lips or eyelashes like that at all.

i would also like to point out prince's use of the line "化け物じみてる図体でさぁ……。" which roughly translates to "it's a monster-like figure..." this stuck out to me because trans people are often seen as "freaks" or "monsters", basically they're seen as different but for a bad reason. i know i experience a lot of similar discrimination in school due to my gender identity, and was called a freak for it as well.

additionally, the word "urameshi ya" is tossed in there, which roughly translates into "envy". the protagonist envies prince for being amab, for having it easy since he’s cis, and for not knowing what it feels like to get bullied the way our protagonist is.

at 0:31, in his bag, you can see the heels and the monster mask for the first time, and i believe they’re obscured in his bag (and even blurred before coming into focus) because, at this point and time, he doesn’t want neither the mask nor the heels to be seen, and he tries to hide them, as if to symbolize the protagonist wishing he wasn’t trans, wishing he wasn’t himself. i’ll get back to those.

at 0:39 the protagonist imagines his bully in the prince attire. i’ll get back to this as well since it comes up much more evidently again later on, but this was the first instance of it happening.

at 0:25, the protagonist is sitting beside this piece of gymnastics equipment that i can’t remember the name of. often p.e. classes require a change of clothes, and girls and boys tend to have different phys ed uniforms. protagonist sitting beside this piece of equipment and playing his game could symbolize him choosing not to participate in p.e. so as to not feel his dysphoria when he has to wear the phys ed uniform.

i can then see the protagonist playing his video game as symbolism for trying to immerse himself in a different world. this is something i also would do; i would play games or watch anime as a way to escape, and would try to superimpose myself onto the identity of, say, a male protagonist character, as a form of coping with my identity.

however, because of the constant bullying he received from prince, instead of seeing himself as the male video game character, he instead sees himself as the monster (remember that prince referred to him as a monster as well when he bullied the protagonist).

our protagonist chooses to see his bully as the prince character because the prince who bullies him irl is amab, and to him that is a sort of "royalty" or “luxury” the protagonist never got to have. after all, no one would bully a prince, right?

he's seen as inherently good solely for sticking to his assigned gender at birth. our protagonist, however, was seen as a monster for choosing to go against his birth gender and being ftm. the protagonist lets the monster kill his video game avatar because he sees it as himself (the monster) being able to stand up to his bully (the prince), if that makes sense.

also to note, a high heeled shoe can be seen in his eye at 0:53, possibly symbolizing that he’s still having trouble accepting his identity, and feels he is still too feminine for people to see him as a guy.

however, after the monster kills his avatar, the screen says "game over" (1:06). this could be symbolism for how, even if he stands up to the people bullying him for his gender, he won't win because he'll never be amab like them.

the protagonist thinks to himself, "時に、悪は愛より美しいぜ", roughly translated to "sometimes, evil is more beautiful than love". he thinks of himself as "evil" because he is the monster, but believes that just because he's "evil" doesn't mean he's ugly...?

i feel the "love" part could be in reference to how, at the end of the mv, when the prince kisses the princess, it is shown as "beautiful" for being not just a heterosexual relationship, but a heterosexual relationship between two cis people. however, those cis people (or at least, the prince bully), aren't beautiful for the way they discriminate against and treat the protagonist.

at 1:08, prince hands the protagonist a monster mask. we know at the end of the video that prince was the protagonist in what appeared to be a school play (which may have been another reason for the protagonist associating him with the character in his game), so prince holding this mask out to our protagonist is almost like him taunting the protagonist more with how much of a "freak" he really is. it's sort of like prince is firmly implying that he's a monster, so this mask would suit him.

the protagonist gazes down at the mask (1:14) and i didn't quite know what to make of this. it's like he's looking at it, searching for an answer, trying to figure out what he should do. the lyrics after this, from what i translated, said something of "the tragedy of my sentence"; this could be interpreted as the protagonist seeing his afab body as being a prison, and it is tragic because he can never escape it. he cannot change the fact that he is afab, and that makes him feel imprisoned. 

i feel like the other, smaller monsters (as well as the big one to a certain extent) could also symbolize his "inner demons", as in the thoughts things such as being trans, not presenting masculine enough, being called a monster etc., that he faces every day; his intrusive thoughts. this could be a symptom of the dysphoria he experiences. i don't have anything for the lyrics here agsdhgjksfg

this is where the chorus comes again, and i would like to point out the usage of the name "cinderella" in this chorus. in cinderalla's fairy tale (the disney version, at least) when she wears her glass slippers, she transforms into a beautiful princess. these glass slippers are often depicted as being heels, which are a type of shoe seen as inherently feminine. however the lyrics here say "we're not cinderella".

i don't know who the "we" is referring to outside of the protagonist (maybe the other monsters that show up?), but in the first chorus the line is "there are shoes that only we can wear", and in the second chorus it says "there are wounds that only we can understand". the shoes lyric could be in reference to how some clothes are stereotypically seen as being inherently masculine or feminine (such as the heels being an inherently feminine thing to wear). the verse about wounds, however, could symbolize the discrimination that lgbt+ people (specifically trans people, in this case) experience every day, and how cishet people could never understand something like that.

i also believe that “cinderella” could symbolize the transformation he goes through, aka his transition from being female to male. cinderella's transformation into a princess gave her a sort of confidence, so she could go to the ball and dance with the prince. here the protagonist claims he’s “not cinderella”, because while he does transform, he doesn’t transform into something that society typically deems “beautiful,” however, he transforms into what makes him feel confident, despite society seeing him as “evil” or as a “monster”.

also to note, at 1:58 there’s a monster in his eye instead of the high heel shoe. this could symbolize him slowly starting to accept himself, and i will explain why him “seeing himself as a monster” could also symbolize him accepting his identity in a bit.

the "let's crush them! it's not right!" line could be seen as the protagonist's intrusive thoughts again. when he sees the monster beating up the prince character, he probably thinks that he could do the same to his bully. however, the line after, "there is a way of salvation that isn't a mistake", are probably what he thinks to counteract those negative intrusive thoughts. the protagonist, not letting his intrusive thoughts get to him, thinks, 'there must be a way to solve my problem without getting physical'.

also, 1:43 is the protagonist literally seeing his bully as the prince character in his game. this makes it quite evident that he sees the monster in his game as himself. and every time the protagonist comes close to pushing the button to fight back, he instead chooses to let the monster win. this could be seen as him mentally standing up to his bully, or as him letting his "inner demons", his intrusive thoughts, win.

people with dysphoria tend to suffer from these intrusive thoughts a lot, which is why i feel it is such a major part of this song. at the beginning, the bullying the protagonist receives from prince probably only increase his already bad intrusive thoughts, making him feel like he'll always be a monster, and that he'll never be a boy, or that nobody will ever see him as a boy.

i'm not quite sure what to make of 2:08 to 2:27. it could be seen as the protagonist trying to fight his intrusive thoughts, hence why all the monsters disappear, but he always looks so... expressionless, sad even. perhaps it could be because he's used to being bullied and treated like a monster like this, but when he says "we're not cinderella", it could be him finally emphasizing and slowly accepting who he is. like he's not letting his monsters get to him anymore. 

there's also those hands on a clock, which probably symbolize the clock striking midnight in the cinderella fairy tale, which causes cinderella to turn back into her regular, old self. however the hands move past midnight when they're hovering over the protagonist's face, which could symbolize that he's not going to stop being who he is.

when he puts on the heels, (3:36), he also puts on the monster mask. he “stays transformed”, he remains a boy, because that’s who he is.

the final chorus, i believe, is the protagonist coming to terms with and accepting who he is. he finally pushes that button and conquers the monster in his game, symbolizing that he's letting that part of himself die. he's letting the part of himself that constantly doubted his gender die, and he's accepting who he is. 

after he looks down at those heels (3:06-3:08), he looks back up, as if he has some sort of newfound resolve. he's probably looking ahead to the play that's happening at 3:34 (it’s very subtle, but his eyes go wide when he looks up to the play at first). nekozemon also does something really neat here, making it look like the protagonist is finally stepping out of the shadows when he lifts his head, which could symbolize a multitude of things... specifically that he’s not going to keep his identity hidden anymore, no longer in the shadows.

the monster dies, but he has a smile on his face at 3:24, whereas when he was struggling earlier he looked angry. but once the protagonist walked past him (probably headed towards the stage), he smiles, because the protagonist has finally found the confidence to be himself. he explodes into confetti--something that usually appears at celebrations like birthdays. this could be a symbol of the protagonist finally celebrating his newfound self-confidence.

at 3:35, we see the prince looking shocked as the protagonist steps onto the stage. not only is he wearing the heels that (probably) once taunted him in the past, but he's got the mask that the bully handed to him before over his head to. 

before pulling it down over his face, at 3:37 the protagonist smiles for the first time in the whole song. he was emotionless this whole time, but after finally accepting who he is, he smiles. if the bully wants him to be a monster, then the protagonist decides, he'll be his monster.

the title also changes from "heel" to "heal". the heels are obviously a reference to the shoes, but they could also literally mean "heel" as in to control or discipline, like when someone tells a dog to heel. when the bully turned into the prince at 1:43 and held his sword out, it looked as though the prince (the bully) is telling the monster (the protagonist) to heel. but at the end, when the protagonist accepts who he is, he's decided to heal. he's healing from what his bully did to him, he's healing from his intrusive thoughts, from his dysphoria, he's healing and accepting himself.

and that was my interpretation! if you read all that then thank you, i know it's really long but this song really hit home for me and reminded me of when i was younger and experiencing major dysphoria before i started to accept myself. if you have any other interpretation of the song (especially the lyrics, because i can't speak japanese and google translated most of this HJFHGJKSFG) i would love to hear them!!!

[queermediastudies]

Blue, the Warmest Color? Or the Most Profitable Color?

Blue Is the Warmest Color is a 2013 French movie directed by Abdellatif Kechiche, which won a lot of rewards including the Palme d'Or and the FIPRESCI Prize. This is a three-hour film about the romance story of a 15-year-old high school girl, Adèle (starring Adèle Exarchopoulos) and a female artist Emma (starring Léa Seydoux). The entire story depicts carefully about Adèle’s growth from adolescence to middle age, accompanied by confusion and struggle for her sexual identity. 

At the beginning of this story, Adèle was dating a boy, Thomas. Once they were dating, Adèle passed by a blue-haired girl when crossing the road. After this encounter, Adèle woke up in a dream about making love with this girl. She was confused and embarrassed by this fantasy. When her best friend Valentin, an openly gay man found her unhappy, he took her to a gay bar for fun. But later, Adèle came out and entered a lesbian bar by chance, where she met (again) and started getting to know the blue-haired girl, Emma. Adèle and Emma became friends and hung out with each other frequently. And their romance relationship confirmed by a shared kiss when picnic. A few years later, Adèle realized her dream to become a primary school teacher; Emma was preparing her art exhibition, and their relationship was not passionate like it used to be. Adèle had a sexual relationship with her male colleague Antoine because of Emma’s indifference. After this was known by Emma, ​​she drove Adèle out of the home immediately and refused her apology. Although Adèle expressed her love for Emma again a few years later, could not recover the relationship. And Emma had formed a new family with her first love, Lise. 

At the end of the film, when Adèle attended Emma’s art exhibition and saw many portraits of her own, she chose to leave quickly, which also marked the complete end of this relationship. In general, this film records the whole story of Adèle and Emma in a very delicate way, trying to present the audience with true lesbian life detail. And the goal of making the audience get involved in the real-life of the LGBTQIA community can contribute to the sympathy and understanding of them to a certain extent, which is conducive to the diversity of the media. But I critic that this film is still unable to break away from the use of lesbian love as the strategy “for creating ‘edgy’ programming and attracting a wide range of viewers” (Kohnen, 2015). And many descriptions in this film deepen the audience’s misunderstanding of the lesbian group.

Firstly, this film does a great job of recording Adèle’s life detail. For example, she always has a messy hair, she will open her mouth when sleeping, and she loves biting the bottom of the pen when she reads. When she gets lost or drunk, the film’s scene will shake and be a blur, just as seen from Adèle’s perspective. When she in the literature class, the shots keep switching to the teacher’s lecture and the students’ distraction because of the boring content. As a viewer, I can also feel that this content was very boring. The film recorded all these tiny details by using this first-person perspective technique to make Adèle just like a friend in our own life, or actually, she is ourselves. I believe to depict a character on a very personal level is a great strategy to promote the audience’s understanding. And this method also mentioned in the Goltz’s article for finding an effective term to refers to gay or lesbian in Kenyan language context, that one man focus on “there was more to him than his sexuality and that he was ‘beyond being homosexual or being a gay man’ ” and “ ‘to come out as me and not to highlight his sexuality, preferring to ‘talk about me, about my life, not about my queer life” (Goltz et al, 2016).

The tricky thing is that even though this film wants to show the real-life of lesbian, it almost becomes the most controversial lesbian movie because of the ten-minute (or even longer) lesbian sex scene. In fact, I was super embarrassed when I watch this scene because I invited all my roommates to watch this film together as a celebration of the weekend. I am not an extremely conservative person, I mean, the sex scene in this film is simply porn-level, so that we had to turn down the volume and made some jokes to cover up our embarrassment. Firstly, there was no background music in this scene, only big gasps instead and the sound of skin rubbing. Secondly, the scene boldly shows female whole body, without cover. In addition, the two actresses are very good in shape, without flaw or even pubic hair. This is the most confusing place for me. On the one hand, the director wants to present the most authentic lesbian life, which even refuses the background music at the sex scene; on the other hand, it idealizes the female body just as the male gaze, the flawless body, and the perfect shape.

Interestingly, the original author of this story, Julie Maroh expressed the same shock as me. She rated the most lacking in this film is lesbian, and aired her suspicion that there were no lesbians present onset (Romney, 2013). And “a brutal and surgical display, exuberant and cold, of so-called lesbian sex, which turned into porn” (Sciolino, 2013). Maroh replied in the interview, “everyone was giggling. Heterosexuals laugh at because they don’t understand it and find the scene ridiculous. The gay and queer people laughed because it’s not convincing, and find it ridiculous; and among the only people (who) we didn’t hear giggling were guys too busy feasting their eyes on an incarnation of their fantasies on screen” (Sciolino, 2013). When I learned that the director and both two actresses are straight, this makes more sense.

Director Kechiche labels himself as an unconditional devotee of realism. “I don’t want it to look like life,” he says of his cinema. “I want it to actually be life. Real moments of life, that's what I’m after” (Romney, 2013). But at the same time, he also admitted that his purpose is to idealize the female body (Sciolino, 2013). He explained, “Like paintings, or sculptures” (Romney, 2013). Ms. Seydoux counters the Kechiche’s use of the so-called real lesbian sex scene as an eyebrow-raising directly. When the reporter used “several unsimulated sex scenes” to ask Ms. Seydoux, she interrupted immediately, “Be careful, they are simulated. We were wearing prostheses” (Sciolino, 2013). Ms. Exarchopoulos used the word manipulation to describe the director's guidance for them. For both actresses, the filming process was horrible and indicated that they would no longer work with Kechiche (Stern, 2013).

(Léa Seydoux, Adèle Exarchopoulos, and Abdellatif Kechiche won the Palme d'Or.) 

It can be said that this film is successful in regards to cultural diversity as brand management. This movie has received a high honor, people should know it is the first film to have the Palme d'Or awarded to both the director and the (two) lead actresses (RFI, 2013). Not only that, but the film also performed not bad at the box office. It can be said that this is a work that has gained a good reputation and attracted the audience through brand management of cultural diversity. But as Kohnen mentioned, “the strategic use of LGBTQ content to signify edginess has not disappeared” (2015). Lesbian movies, especially those including so-called real lesbian sex scenes, are not only targeting the group that supports LGBTQIA and cultural diversity but also a straight (especially male) group who wants to satisfy their own sexual fantasies. Although shocked, it is important to know that Lesbian has been the most popular porn search term for porn sites (Lufkin, 2016).

So I have been thinking about whether lesbian movies are the most cost-effective thing. Due to the brand management of cultural diversity, LGBTQIA films can gain a good social reputation, because more or less they are showing/facilitating the spread of cultural diversity. On the other hand, this type of film caters to the Queer Market, as we mentioned the homonormativity, “depoliticized gay culture anchored in domesticity and consumption” (Duggan, 2002). In addition, a large number of heterosexual groups who want to satisfy their sexual fantasies/curiousness are attracted to the cinema.

The toughest point is that, as mentioned above, the director's purpose is to idealize the female body. And the two actresses clarified their heterosexual identity immediately after the processing of the film. Everyone has made a profit from this lesbian-themed film, but everyone is trying to getting rid of any suspicious of homosexuality identity after making a profit.

As an Asian (I used to believe myself as) straight woman, I have to admit that this film started to make me doubt my own sexual orientation. When I was watching this film, I would involuntarily introduce myself to Adèle’s role, and I found Emma to be a very charming woman. In the film, Emma's hair is blue in the first half and light brown in the second half of the film. The blue hair period is the sweetest time for her and Adèle. I think that Emma was really attractive at that time. And the second half with the light brown hair is the period that her relationship with Adèle is about to burst. I think this is why the film's name is Blue Is The Warmest Color. In fact, in the original comics, all the scenes are black and white, except that Emma's hair is blue, and the intuitive contrast that comic can present can more express this theme.

I have always lived in a heterosexual culture community. The heteronormative in Asian culture is more ingrained than Western culture, so I never thought about my sexual orientation. It’s like I also cannot figure out the sexual orientation of Adèle. She did not show any love for women other than Emma, and she had an affair with a man, not a woman. By watching this film, I am rethinking whether it is a wise choice to define sexual orientation based on gender. I love a person because of the gender of that person, or because that person is that person.

In general, I would think this film is a good movie, especially from the contribution that made me rethink my own identity. But when I know more about the story behind this film, the harder it is for me to evaluate it from the work itself. Everything became complicated when lesbian-themed movies/televisions connect with cultural diversity brand management, homonormativity, Queer Market, and even male sexual fantasy.

Reference:

Duggan, L. (2002). Equality, Inc. The Twilight of Equality? (PP. 43-66). Beacon Press, Boston.

Goltz, D. B., Zingsheim, J., Mastin, T., & Murphy, A. G. (2016). Discursive negotiations of Kenyan LGBTI identities: Cautions in cultural humility. Journal of International and Intercultural Communication, 9(2).

Kohnen, M. (2015). Cultural Diversity as Brand Management in Cable Television. Media Industries Journal, 2(2).

Lufkin, B. (2016). The Most Popular Porn Searches in Every State. Gizmodo.

RFI. (2013). Blue is the warmest color team win Palme d'Or at Cannes 2013. archive.org. https://web.archive.org/web/20130608102433/http://www.english.rfi.fr/culture/20130526-wins-palme-dor-cannes-2013

Romney, J. (2013). Abdellatif Kechiche interview: 'Do I need to be a woman to talk about love between women?'. the Guardian.

Sciolino, E. (2013). Darling of Cannes Now at Center of Storm. Nytimes.com.

Stern, M. (2013). The Stars of ‘Blue is the Warmest Color’ On the Riveting Lesbian Love Story. The Daily Beast.

[drop-killa]

Being Honest

**trigger warning: diet culture, purging, and self-loathing** This isn’t a post where I’m self-loathing about my diet culture; it’s a piece of writing about being completely honest and raw about my personal experiences.

So this whole entire blog started because I made an Instagram account, a private one apart from my regular public one, as a form of accountability on my fitness journey. My goals of this fitness journey are to return back to the size I was before I got foot surgery 6 months ago and fit back into my old jeans. THAT BEING SAID I only want to lose 20-30lbs... THAT BEING SAID I am 5′5″ and my goal weight is around 180-190lbs. That’s not most peoples goal weight but I am just a whole lotta woman. I quickly gained weight after both serious injuries I’ve had in my life and I am having a lot of trouble losing it this second time around. Moving on: life is not all about losing weigh but I am uncomfortable. My goal weight is not 120lbs ok? It’s just to return to a normal comfortable size where my clothes fit.

I have been posting “everyday” on my countdown to Bonnaroo in June of 2020. I started typing out this super long caption and I decided it deserved a better home. This blog post doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me.

Ok so I deleted IG off my phone and honestly I have missed: pictures of cats, rave memes, and posting on my private account.

I've been home alone for almost 2 weeks and I have been absolutely destroying my diet. By diet I just mean "general intake of nutritious food"

I'm not ON a diet: it's a word to explain your nutritional intake

My mom and I live together. She’s pretty woke for being born in 1968 and having lived through an entirely different period of diets and cultural norms but she definitely still has some pretty toxic diet relationships that she will never unlearn. So unfortunately I grew up in a household with some seriously toxic food and diet conversations. I remember when I first hit puberty and started showing cellulite on the back of my thighs my mom was making me do pilates with her because she was convinced I would hate myself when I got older for having cellulite.

She's been out of town.

Being out of the sight of someone who definitely judges me for what I eat is actually doing more damage than being around her. One greasy day of eating shouldn't budge the scale but 2 weeks of greasy eating surely will....

The extent to which I binge is absolutely unbelievable. My relationship with food is not healthy but not in the way that I’m always seeing being talked about online. Right now it’s super acceptable to be have recovered from an ED like anorexia and accepting the fact that you’re 130lbs instead of 100lbs and workout a lot. The people I see preaching about accepting their bodies, besides Ashley Graham and Tess Holiday, are not the kind of bodies that I can relate to.

I feel like my life will be a forever battle against chewing my nails until they bleed, and potential obesity just sitting over the horizon. I don’t know if that’s normal or that’s a real worry I should have.

I used to binge AND purge. BAD. I really don’t like when people describe foods as “bad” or “oh I was so good today” because that’s obviously a socially acceptable toxic mindset that I would not like to participate in. On the other hand: Purging IS bad. Eating yourself sick with the intention to puke it up afterwards is bad bad bad. I take full responsibility for my own self harm and I also can remember exactly where it started. My best friend, my day one and my forever girl, took about a year apart from each other unintentionally and sowed our own wild oats. She got a boyfriend and I hung around a girl who smoked cigarettes and lost weight by bulimia. I was so inspired by the idea that I could eat anything in the fucking world and just throw it up after and i fucking did. I have been battling depression for what feels like my entire fucking life and this was a super low point, historically, that I saw as a super high point at the time. A lightbulb went off. I don’t think I ever even binged that bad before this time. And unfortunately  the damage cannot be undone.

I have a shit history of self harm- I'm not gonna go into those details. Being an intelligent teenager is difficult and that's another story.

I am known for talking and being unashamed and being honest and open and trying to relate to people on a real level. There are some really uncomfortable and disturbing traumatic experiences in my life that I just won’t ever want to talk about. I never want them to be the subject of any discussion. This is one of the biggest secrets I ever kept. I don’t know that I was ashamed at the time but I liked it so much that I didn’t want to share it with anyone else. I knew what other people would have to say about it and I didn’t want to have to stand there and react and pretend like I was going to change while they gasped and scolded me.  It’s actually kind of funny because tumblr was the BIBLE for kids with eating disorders. All of the realest, darkest information for frustrated teens was on tumblr back in the day. It was the dark teenagers of my generations gateway into the depths of human psyche. It was the first place I read about kids who fucking hated themselves and look- here I am telling this story for the first time on the only vessel I ever learned it on in the first place. Tumblr has always been a safe anonymous place for self-loathing.

I don’t know that this story was ever going anywhere specific and that’s why it was moved from an IG caption to an entire blog. I don’t know that I’ve ever hated myself but I have treated myself so, so poorly.

So I’ve been home alone for 2 weeks and I have been binging so much. I have been such a fucking anxious mess and I appreciated the space during this time because I don’t always want to explain myself - sometimes I just wanna fucking cry my eyes out while I’m blow drying my hair. I do miss having people around to remind myself of normal functions of life like: vegetables and sleep and normal bed times. I’m giving up on this post but I like typing better than journaling so I believe I will continue.

[xxsovereignsarayaxx]

Elizabeth Mikaelson - What If?  Chapter 9

Authors Note: Hey guys hope your enjoying the series! You can re-read or catch up here. Feedback helps me make better a writer! 🖤

After leaving Elijah in the alley way in Mystic Falls I thought it was best to take some time for myself to clear my head and I did just that. My relationship with Elijah wasn't over and I still cared and loved him like I have always done but I wanted to become stronger and the only way I could do just that was to have some space, I packed a few things and went to go see Penelope, we had met up in a local coffee shop in New York. 

"When you told me you walked away from Elijah part of me did think I had a shot with him." Penelope teased. 

"Very funny." I said to her rolling my eyes. 

"But seriously why did you walk away?" She asked me. 

Taking a sip of my coffee I sighed. "I can't always rely on Elijah to protect me, it puts far too much pressure on him, its hardly fair either. Yes he is an original and cannot be killed to a certain extent but if a white oak stake to the heart doesn't kill him stress surely will. What Klaus did to me was over the mark I will not let it happen again." I say to her. 

"Ooooo you used Klaus, this definitely means trouble. All jokes aside though momma, your back on the vervain so you can't be compelled which is a start. And your blood lust seems to have settled. Your not drowning your sorrows in blood like you were doing. I say this is a victory." Penelope replies. 

“I’m just worried about Elijah now, I haven’t heard from him in a few days which means something is seriously wrong and that Klaus has put the dagger back in Elijah’s heart.”

I had my phone on the table and it started to vibrate, I glanced at the screen hoping it was my husband however it wasn't the Mikaelson I was hoping to hear from. "Hello love." Niklaus says on the phone. 

"Niklaus to what do I owe the pleasure of a phone call?" I reply bluntly. 

"You had disappeared love, just wanting to hear from my lovely sister in law." He replies. 

"I've been gone a mere two weeks but well you can clearly recognize I am in the realm of the living. I couldn’t help but notice that Elijah hasn’t attempted to get in touch. I take that is your doing?" I reply sarcastically. 

"Elijah is where he belongs love." He says. 

"Desiccating in a coffin then I presume? Back at it daggering your siblings I gather do tell me when will Rebekah, Kol and Finn be joining us?" I asked smiling down my end of the phone. 

"That is none of your concern, but I'm curious where are you?" He asks. 

I took another long sip of my coffee hoping it hadn't gone cold. "Why I'm in the Big Apple brother, but do indulge me if I may be so bold. Word on the street is that you broke your curse. But I fail to see the ever growing Hybrid army. I take global domination is at a stalemate?" I teased. 

"Yes well there are a few complications, if your finished in whatever nonsense your up to will you care to join me? I happen to have Stefan Salvatore with me as well." He replies. 

"Why on earth have you dragged the poor boy with you? He has no interest helping you and your machinations." I asked him. 

I saw the door to the coffee shop open and close and a man in a navy blue suit approached the table. I looked at Penelope to which she looked confused. 

"When you join me in Chicago all will unfold and..."

 "Niklaus I'm going to have to call you back." I interrupted and ended the call.

"Can I help you?" I ask the stranger. 

"Miss Priston?" The man asks. 

"I think you have me mixed up with someone else." I replied. I drank the rest of my coffee and placed the cup on the saucer. 

"Miss Elizabeth Priston." The man replies. 

I let out a sigh. "I haven't been called by my maiden name in centuries, have a seat..." I start gesturing for the man to sit down. 

"Jacob Josephs." he replies. 

"This seems like you both could talk better if I wasn't here, I'll catch you later momma." Penelope says as she leans to kiss my cheek and leaves the table exiting the coffee shop. 

"So Mr Josephs how can I be of service? You seem to know who and what I am. Which means you either a vampire, werewolf or witch. So which is it?" I ask him tapping a finger on the table.

"Your a hard lady to track down, however I'm guessing you remember you younger sister Sara-May?" I stared at the man in front of me hearing the name of my sibling who I never really got to see grow up made me rather angry.

"Perhaps if you happen to use the correct surname finding me would have been a lot easier, however you seem to be either bold or stupid to mention members of my family to whom have been dead for centuries now, so unless you wish to have your neck snapped or heart ripped from your chest I suggest you start talking." I snapped. 

"Ahhh that fire I heard so much of but it appears your incorrect on some facts. It is true that your family have passed except your sister Sara-May until recently, were you aware that she possessed the gift of magic?" Jacob asks. I looked at him with disbelief and shook my head. 

"Sara-May was five years old when I transitioned into a vampire so no I wasn't aware of that, let alone witches ran through my families bloodline, what has this go to do with me?" I asked my temper growing by the second. 

The man who sat opposite took a moment, let out a sigh and swallowed. "Sara-May was my wife, I loved her dearly she was everything to me but I was unaware that she jumped into numinous bodies over the years. I too am a witch and I tried every spell I knew to try and bring her back but nothing worked. For the last three years I have been searching for you, she mentioned before of having a sister and because she was a witch I hoped you were as well."

I was in my car driving to Chicago and all I could think about was the conversation I had with Jacob. Hearing that for centuries my sister had lived many lives in a different face every now and then. But what shocked me the most was the fact she had recently died.

"After the birth of our baby girl Sara-May grew distant from magic, stopped it all together saying that it would be safer for us all. She became paranoid and depressed, doctors said this was normal with post-natal depression and that in time she would settle, but she never did she seemed to get worse everyday unable to bond with our daughter and there wasn't much else I could do for her. When our daughter turned four months old she died. Sara-May took her own life, I found her grimore beside her body."  

"I'm sorry for your loss Jacob I really am but what are you expecting me to say? I was under the impression that Sara-May had died all those years ago I never knew of her fate otherwise I would have tried to help her. How are you coping with looking after the child?"

"Nicole, she’s sixteen months old now. We have our good days and bad days. I can tell she misses her mother."

"I don’t understand? Why have you been looking for me for three years?”

“If I'm being honest with you I noticed Sara's downfall then. She would speak of you fondly and I thought that if I could find you maybe it would of sparked something that ultimately could of prevented all of this."  

I felt as if the world was resting on my shoulders, not only had I learned that my sister found love married and had a baby but took her life shortly afterwards leaving the poor child without a mother. Something we both had suffered when we were children. Another thing that was resting on my mind was the matter that I descended from a witch bloodline. Not like it would matter now due to the fact I was a vampire and nature demands balance you cannot be both. However Niklaus was an exception. I explained to Jacob that I would aid him when required but limited to what I could offer. 

If I felt that the child would be safe I would have brought Jacob and his daughter into the family but because all of us are mostly at each others throats it would have not been a wise choice and with the lack of my husband’s presence very much out of the question. Keeping my eyes on the road I scrolled through my phone to find the contact for my brother in law, pressing it I waited to hear his voice on the other end. 

"I see I peeked your interest love." Niklaus says through the phone. 

"Yes well someone needs to keep a tight hold on your leash brother." I reply sarcastically. 

Later on I arrived at a shop where Niklaus and Stefan were at, a recent awakened Rebekah needed some new look and they were waiting for her to finish picking some new outfits. 

"So women in the twenty-first century dress like prostitutes, then. You know, I got dirty looks for wearing trousers." She says looking at herself in the mirror. 

"Bekah, you wore trousers so women today could wear nothing." I say entering the shop, Rebekah span round and instantly a smile formed her face as she swiftly walked over to bring me into a long awaited hug. 

"Lizzie! I've missed you so much!" She says. 

"I've missed you too Bekah, it's lovely to see you." I say to her letting go. 

Rebekah turns back to a bored Niklaus and Stefan as they were seated on a plump white leather sofa. "And what is this music? It sounds like a cable car accident." Rebekah asks. 

"It's dance music." Stefan replies sounding bored. 

"And people dance to this?" Rebekah replied back. 

"Unfortunately yes they do, not the best taste in music I agree. But music has evolved and suppose so should we." I tell her perching next to Niklaus. 

"May I have a word outside?" I ask in his ear. 

Niklaus looks at me in the eyes and nods as we made our way outside the shop. 

"I need to know when will you un-dagger my husband." I tell him. 

"Not at the moment love." Niklaus replies with a smirk as he tries to turn his back and walk back into the shop. I quickly grab his sleeve to his coat. 

"Nik please. I need him, I need Elijah." I ask. 

"I'll take it under consideration." He responds and I let go of him. 

“Why is it you get to be happy but the rest of us must suffer?” I asked as I let out a huge sigh and watch him walk back inside, shortly following him. 

"And why are you so grumpy?" Rebekah asks her brother. 

"I needed one thing from you for my witch to find out why my hybrids are dying, one thing. Your necklace. And you lost it." Niklaus snaps back at her. 

Rebekah heads back inside the changing room to change her clothes into something else she had picked out. "I didn't lose it. It's just been missing for ninety years." She replies sarcastically heading back out of the changing room. 

What she had picked out didn't quite suit her but I wasn't prepared to have my neck snapped so I kept quite. "So what do you think?" She asks Stefan. 

"I like it." He replies. Rebekah and I just stare at him, I roll my eyes and Rebekah follows suit. 

"What? I said I liked it." Stefan says. 

"I can always tell when you're lying, Stefan." She says as she goes back into the changing room. 

Using the back of my hand I slap Stefan on the upper arm. "Nice one. Good work." Niklaus says to him. 

"Lying to a woman where clothes are concerned is a big no-no." I followed up. 

"Your the one who pulled that dagger out of her." He replies swiftly. 

"I heard that!" Rebekah shouts from the other side of the changing room. 

"All right. I'm going to get some fresh air." Stefan says as he gets up and leaves the shop.

Niklaus gets up and pours himself a glass of champagne, I clear my throat making the hint that I would also like a glass. "So Lizzie do tell me whats happened in the last ninety or so years while I've been away." She asks coming back out to sit with her brother on the sofa. 

"Well then lets see, Nik has daggered Elijah again..." I start sarcastically looking at him. 

"I found out that my sister somehow survived medieval England, recently had a baby and died, so I'm doing marvelous on my own since your dear brother will not grant my request to bringing Elijah back to the living." I ranted at the pair. 

"You and Elijah have plenty of time to play happy families later." Nik says. I roll my eyes at him. 

"Yes but my family needs me now." I snap back at him. 

"If I remember correctly the Mikaelson's are your family love." Niklaus spats.

I rush over to him knocking the the glass out of his hands. "Just watch your tongue, yes I may have only recently learned of my sisters fate but she is still my sister and still my family, so I'm sorry if that baby needs a female role model in her life." I shouted glaring at him in the eyes. 

Niklaus loses his temper and spins me around grabbing my throat and pinning me to the wall, the golden colour of his eyes burned into my own as his fangs and veins appeared before me. We stare at each other for a few moments until Rebekah breaks the silence. 

"Nik let her go." She warned. Niklaus stared at me again and then lets go, I cough allowing the oxygen to flow back into my lungs, wiping the feeling of his hands from my neck.

Shortly after the confrontation with Niklaus I left the clothes shop to get some fresh air, moments later Niklaus and Rebekah joined me as well we started to walk back to the bar that Niklaus' witch was located. "Since you seem to deny most of my requests, I have a simple one for you. Don't suppose I could have a chat with that witch of yours?" I ask Niklaus sarcastically as we walked down the street. 

"Keep giving me attitude love and I'll make sure you never see Elijah again." He snapped back. 

"It is such a pathetic and little life you lead brother, you hate the fact I'm not scared of you and your using Elijah to bend me to your rules making sure I am kept in line. Let me get one thing straight, you will never fully control me. Have I made myself clear?" I threatened. 

"Unless you wish to have a stake protruding from your chest I suggest you pipe down." Niklaus replies. 

"You pair really seem to be at each others throats recently." Rebekah interrupts. 

"You've only just realized Bekah?" I snapped. 

"No need to snap at me love, come one lets have a drink." She suggests as we walked up to the entrance of the bar.

As we entered the bar I made my way over to Gloria. "Is it possible to have a moment of your time before Niklaus gets you casting spells and what-not?" I ask her. 

Gloria nods with a smile "Of course.” 

"I recently discovered that myself and my sister were from a witch bloodline, however I never felt a connection to magic before I died how was this possible that I didn't have magic and yet my sister did?" I ask her. 

"You could have just been unlucky sweetheart, but your a vampire now so there is no point searching for something that you cannot possess." She tells me. 

"After you have finished doing Niklaus' bidding would you be able to look into something for me? My sister has body jumped over the last four centuries and recently had a child. If she ever came into my care how would I be able to find out of the child has a connection? So when the time is right she can have the correct guidance." I reply. I felt hopeful that if my niece ever needed me that I would be able to help her. 

"Magic in young ones depends, they could show early signs of magic or none at all, my suggestion is that if that the child doesn't show any signs to maybe under the presence of a witch you trust introduce some simple spells. If I'm correct Priston was your surname before you married?" Gloria says to me. 

"Yes that's correct." I tell her nodding. 

"That my dear was a strong and healthy line of witches strange how you never shared our gift." She replies. 

Rebekah joins me and asks for a bottle of bourbon, Gloria complies and hands her the bottle along with two glasses, pouring a shot in each glass I swirl the liquid in the glass. 

"You really are down, Lizzie anything I can do to help?" Rebekah asks placing a hand on my shoulder. 

"Honestly Bekah, if Nik is going to listen to anyone it's you. Elijah should be here with us and I don't think Niklaus understands how much I need him here with me right now. All I know that he is his coffin. Where? I have not the faintest idea. But even if I did know there is no way I could wake him. Not without getting your brothers bad side." I reply to her with tears starting to form in my eyes. I couldn't break down in front of everyone here, I wouldn't want the embarrassment of showing the one person I told that I got stronger see how weak I really was. 

While I was staring off into nothing, Nik had gotten his witch on the task at hand she was sat at one of the tables chanting a spell while Nik had returned to join me and Rebekah at the bar drinking. But after some more bickering any progress surely came to a halt. It was at that moment Stefan had joined us in the bar. 

"You left us." Rebekah tells him. 

"Yeah, sorry. Retail therapy was making my head explode." Stefan says back to her. 

"Tell me about it." Niklaus replies quickly under his breath. Stefan glances at me and then back to Gloria. 

"What is she doing?" He asks. 

"She's failing." Nik replies with a huff. 

"It's hard to find something when you don't have anything to go on." Gloria responds bluntly. 

"So use me. I only wore it for a thousand years." Rebekah says getting up from her seat and walks over to the table where Gloria was sat. So use me. I only wore it for a thousand years.” 

"See? Now this one offers a solution." Gloria replies with a smirk. 

"All right, give me your hand, sweetheart." Gloria adds, Rebekah gives the witch her hand and goes back to her spell. 

"She's, uh, she's looking for the necklace, huh?" Stefan asks us. I nod from the background, finishing my drink I get up from my seat. 

"I have a phone call to make, please refrain from killing anyone brother." I say to him as I leave the bar and walking a few doors down so I could talk in private.

I dialed the number I had for Jacob. "Elizabeth, didn't think I would be hearing from you anytime soon." Jacob said through the phone. 

"Yes well, I wanted to try and get some answers to help care for your daughter." I replied to him, curling a piece of my hair around my finger, a trait I had noticed I had picked up since my adventures with my brother. 

"Would you like to meet her?" He asked. 

"I would love nothing more, I'm currently in Chicago, but I don't think its the best place to meet up, how about I come to you?" I suggest. 

"That would be perfect, I'll text you the address." Jacob says and with that he ends the call. Moments later I get a message of my new destination. I headed back to Gloria's bar to announce that I would be departing sooner then I had anticipated.  

[gaasaku-fanfests]

Can’t Shake the Thunder

Title: Can’t Shake the Thunder Author: thefreckledone (Pinch-hitter) Rating: K+ Word Count: 2,160 Summary: Sakura travels the different nations in the wake of the War. Someone wants her to stay in Suna. Warnings: Minor cursing Author's Note(s): This was a lot of fun to write! I hope you all enjoy it and that my partner especially enjoys it!

Prompt chosen: rainstorms Partner: Nyxako-Writing

Sakura pauses in her walk back to the embassy, eyes going to the sky. There are no clouds overhead and yet…

It smells of rain.

She frowns thoughtfully, but continues on her way, knowing that she needs to get these scrolls back to her room and organized. There aren’t too many people out in the streets of Suna, as the heat of the late afternoon still lingers. Sakura isn’t used to the concept of siestas, though she certainly likes the idea of them. Sakura has yet to actually take one.

Sakura doesn’t beat herself up too much about it. After all, she is here on a mission at the expense of Suna; she refuses to waste their time or money. This isn’t a paid vacation; she’s here to facilitate peace post-war by building up Suna’s hospital systems. In comparison to Konoha, Suna is woefully behind in their medicine. Sakura is more than willing to admit that Suna is revolutionary in terms of their poisons and—to a lesser extent—their antidotes, but that does not equate to great health care. So, she’s doing what she can to overhaul their medical care in the six months she has here before she moves on to Iwa.

Sakura makes it to Konoha’s embassy, a luxury set of suites almost empty aside from herself. The only other occupants are a handful of craftsmen and merchants. From what she understands, they are here to work out new negotiations of trade in the wake of the current peace and prosperity among all of the nations.

Sakura keys into her suite, trying to keep herself from wondering when the other shoe will drop.

The order and civility among the nations is nice and quaint, but Sakura doubts that it’ll truly last. After all, the nations were not built for sustained peace, their very foundations are in conflict, strife, and war.

Either this newfound peace will give way or the nations will.

And truthfully, Sakura isn’t sure which she would prefer.

Perhaps this is why she proposed her tour among the nations, both to foster further relationships and also suss out the post-war climate. Sakura wants peace, she does, but she isn’t sure what she’ll do in a peaceful world.

Who is Haruno Sakura if not a shinobi?

She is pulled from her musings by a resounding boom.

Could it be?

Sakura leaps to her feet, running to the window with barely restrained excitement. As she thought and hoped, the night sky is darker still with the gathering storm. Another boom sounds, the thunder heralding the coming event. Sakura unlatches the window, slipping out of it and climbing out onto the wall. She closes the window before running up the wall to the roof. Sakura keeps her eyes to the sky as she races across the rooftops, heading toward the storm. A couple of Suna nin flare their chakra in warning, but Sakura does the same, fluctuating her chakra in a pattern to indicate, “No need for alarm.”

She has no doubt that they’ll go and report the strange activities of their Konoha visitor to their Kazekage, but Sakura doesn’t care. She is restless, chakra roiling within her in a need to be outside in the open.

Sakura needs the rain.

Within minutes, Sakura is on the walls of Suna, saluting the guards there as the winds whip up and the rain begins to fall. She leaps from the wall and runs until she can no longer see the walls, until she feels like she is the only person in the world here.

The waters stream down upon her, soaking her clothes in mere moments. Sakura turns her face into the sky, closing her eyes as the droplets hit her. Thunder booms through the sky, vibrating through Sakura herself but she is unconcerned. There is something freeing about standing alone in the pouring rain. Sakura opens her mouth, catching the clean rain water for a moment before releasing a loud, unapologetic yell.

Her yell is echoed by the roar of thunder and Sakura grins, shedding her outer robe in a fanciful spin, just enjoying herself. Something tight in her chest eases and unfurls, leaving her feeling lighter than before, despite the way her damp clothes weigh down on her.

How long has it been since she last had a moment to herself? Sometime before the War certainly. Since the War, everything has been accolades and treaties and reformations to make the world a bit more bright. Sakura is congratulated as a war hero, for her part in the war, for punching a goddess in the face. She has since been thrust into the spotlight, asked to share her work with those around her. She is happy with what she does, she doesn’t for a minute regret her work, but it is nice to pause and reflect and just be.

Sakura whirls, arms up and away from her body as she watches the roiling sky above. Her dance has no set steps, only following the rhythm put forth by the crash of thunder and darting movements of the clouds.

Lightning streaks through the sky, illuminating the wet sand dunes.

Sakura swallows, drawing her arms closer to herself as it reminds her of something—someone—she would prefer not to think of right now.

Or ever.

The light battering of rain halts suddenly. Sakura glances up, barely repressing a flinch as she realizes that sand is stretched in a dome above her.

“Sakura-san,” Gaara says, stepping up beside her. He is impeccably dressed, untouched by the squall around them.

“Kazekage-sama,” Sakura returns, wondering idly if she should be embarrassed by her unkempt state. She just cannot muster the dignity to feel bad about it. She’s having fun and enjoying herself. He’s the one intruding here. “How are you?”

“Call me Gaara.”

“Perhaps one day, Kazekage-sama,” Sakura replies, lips twisting into an impish smile. This is an old argument between them, but a familiar and comfortable one.

“Naruto has no such compunctions.”

“Naruto is impudent,” Sakura replies. “And he’s the sort who can get away with it.”

“In any case, I am well,” he replies, cocking his head slightly as he assesses her. “And yourself?”

Sakura huffs out a short laugh, realizing that he thinks she’s insane. Hell, she might just be. “I’m good. Better than I’ve been in a while.”

“And the rain helped?” Gaara asks, still watching her, trying to understand.

“Yes,” Sakura says, reaching out past the sand shield and letting the rain lash at her fingertips. She tries to think of a way to explain herself. “It’s cleansing; it washes everything away, leaving me feeling lighter.” Gaara hums. “In Konoha, we have rains like this often. It washes away the dust and pollen, making everything fresh and new.” She smiles at Gaara, pushing her wet bangs out of her face. “Myself included.”

“And I interrupted,” Gaara says, brows creasing slightly. His sand barrier draws away slightly. “I apologize.”

“No worries, Kazekage-sama,” Sakura says, stepping back into the rain. “Would you…” She falters slightly before firming. “Would you like to join me?”

“I would not be intruding?” Gaara asks.

“Not at all,” Sakura says, stepping out from under the sand shield. “The sky is big enough for both of us.”

Gaara watches Sakura as she spins beneath the pouring rain. Her form is graceful and uninhibited as she raises cupped hands to catch the falling water. She glances back at him, quirking a brow as she smiles at him.

“Coming?” Sakura asks.

Gaara opens his mouth to respond, but is cut off by an earth-shattering crack.

Sakura blinks against the blinding light that strikes the ground nearby, the harshness stinging her eyes. She resists the urge to jump when she realizes that Gaara is right behind her, his sand shield up and around them both.

“Gaara?” Sakura asks, turning to him. She sees the fear in his eyes and she reaches out and grabs his hand. His eyes widen, but his sand does not rise in his defense. “It’s just lightning.” She remembers the screeching of birds and the dangerous crackle of concentrated lightning headed her way. She exhales, pushing those hard memories away. She’ll deal with them later. “The forces of nature mean little in the face of highly honed chakra.”

“Of…of course,” Gaara says, shoulders starting to relax. “It was just unexpected. We keep lightning rods around the perimeter of the village. One rogue lightning strike can spell devastation for our buildings.”

“That makes sense,” Sakura replies. “The overgrowth of trees in Konoha tends to dissuade lightning striking buildings there.” She suddenly realizes that she’s still holding his hand and drops it quickly, appalled at herself. She looks out past the umbrella of sand, whistling low in her throat. “Suna’s monsoon season is quite rough. We rarely get rain like this.”

“It is short-lived but intense,” Gaara says, watching her out of the corner of his eyes.

“Perhaps it builds up across the months, before the floodgates open all at once in a torrent,” Sakura says. “I will say that I will miss Suna’s dryness once I move on to Iwa. Konoha and Kiri are constantly humid.” Sakura laughs, rolling her eyes. “I’m not sure I’m ever dry in Kiri; there’s a constant mist of rain.”

Gaara catches her hand in his. “Then stay.”

“What?” Sakura asks, turning to face him fully.

“Stay here, please,” he says, brow furrowing.

“What do you mean, Kazekage-sama?”

“You’ve done so much in your time here,” Gaara says. “You’ve revolutionized our hospitals and your actions have saved countless lives for decades to come. The people of Suna are forever in your debt. You saved the life of my brother; I am forever in your debt. We need you here.”

“Kazekage-sama, I have contracts still in place to visit Iwa,” Sakura says. “I have a duty to Konoha. I’m honored that my actions here have assisted your people—”

“Not just them,” he says, squeezing her hand. “You’ve helped me immensely. You speak with me as a person, an equal. You aren’t afraid to confront me about issues you have. Having you around is comforting. I feel secure knowing that you are in the village.”

“Kazekage-sama—”

“Gaara,” he says firmly, staring her down.

“Gaara,” Sakura concedes.

“Stay, Sakura, please.”

Sakura’s throat tightens in the face of his sincerity, eyes prickling with the urge to cry. Has anyone ever asked this of her? She cannot think of a single time anyone has explicitly asked her to stay. Instead, it feels like she’s always the one asking. So for someone to ask it of her. “I…”

Sakura is blinded by the crack of lightning once more, striking disconcertingly close to the sand shield. She pulls free from Gaara’s hand, peeking out at the sand. The area struck by lightning is blackened, though the central area is clear. Sakura crouches, examining the area. It looks somehow off.

Gaara kneels beside her, assessing the area as well. Sand slithers up from the spot, lifting free a strange tree-like structure that glitters even in the little light there is. It is two to three feet in length with odd tendrils extending from it. He draws it closer, sand dropping the structure in his hands. He holds it toward Sakura.

“We call it fulgurite,” he says in a hushed tone, smiling at the awe in her eyes. “Structures like this form sometimes when lightning strikes sand. If the conditions are right, the sand will reform into a solid structure like this. Here.”

He passes the fulgurite to Sakura. Sakura handles it as gently as she can, feeling its brittle nature.

“Kazekage-sama—” He gives her a look. “Gaara, it’s beautiful,” Sakura says.

“The sand is malleable,” Gaara says. “The sand can change.”

“And yet it remains,” Sakura says, looking over the fulgurite.

“It does,” Gaara says, catching her wrists in his hands. Sakura looks up at him. “The sand can wait. The sand will still be here.”

Sakura’s lips kick up at the corners. “And will the sand be the only thing waiting while I go to Iwa?”

Gaara’s returning smile is small but still present. “No, I will be here as well.”

Sakura breaks eye contact with him, looking down at the fulgurite. It’s brittle, fragile, but it is solid. And this is new, this is fragile, but it might just last.

Something flutters in Sakura’s stomach as she leans forward, taking in Gaara’s widening eyes and sharp inhale of breath. Face hot with embarrassment, Sakura presses a kiss to Gaara’s cheek.

She pulls back, grinning at him. “I can’t stay,” she says. “But I promise to come back.”

Gaara’s smile is a breathtaking thing. “That is all I ask.”

And then he is moving forward, cupping her cheek as he slots his lips across hers.

Sakura isn’t sure of her future, of their future, but she’s going to enjoy every step of the way.

[hoxtilicioustf2]

End of the Line

Alright, I’m sorry to do this, but after my last HxH post I’ll have to schedule this post; I’m out of the Hunter x Hunter fandom. I will soon proceed to remove all the references towards it on my blog. 

I will keep following folk who I’ve followed thus far, and I’ll maintain my HxH activity on my other media such as Twitter, Discord, etc. unless problems arise. I will just silence it here, atleast for now. When I start making art again, all my HxH art will go there instead of here. 

This will remain until the anti situation clears up. Antis don’t understand shit about pedos and accuse normal innocent people over fucking fanfiction and fanart. Also practice cancel culture in the addition of it, which remained apparent in one unrelated post.

I’d like to thank people who didn’t join the dark side, to name a few @hxhhasmysoul @avtorsola @astral-valkyrie I hope you can somehow maintain to live through this era and we meet again in this fandom once this bullshit is done and over.

I’d appreciate to be crossed out of that list.

But from now on, new followers on Tumblr (and by this i mean only new followers who hit the follow button after me posting this post), I’d like you to ask before following if you are in the HxH fandom or a minor. I won’t shoot for it or block for it, but I automatically block if I see you interact with any of the major antis, even if your personal opinion may be different.

All my other fandoms remain unaffected.

Rant below cut.

To start things off, I used to know a pedophile.

I used to know someone who sexted minors, who beamed when he saw a minor crossplay, and started being sleazy to them. I even had them pledge to never do that again once only to see them do that again.

My responsibility & sense of justice took over and I cut this person out of my life. But I didn’t just -cancel- them. I explained to them that I cannot associate with them so I can keep others who associate with me safe. I encouraged them to seek professional help, and I made it a condition for if he wishes to contact me again, or stand around in my circles. We used to be close friends, but I pushed all my personal feelings aside for the sake of others. That is how I handle things.

Now, while I won’t deny - he did like some questionable media; that didn’t make or break the fact he was a pedophile. He just simply had it in him in the first place. When I saw him call children (like Real Life Children) ‘subby and twinky’ I lost braincells; but I sincerely doubt this is caused by any fandom, for he wasn’t deeply involved in all that much. Yuri on Ice was the only major thing he was on with, and even that only on personal front. He never used his tumblr for a long period of time, and he also seemed to ship The Right Ships

Just, for this one example, I know about 10 to 100 examples where this isn’t the case. I know a person who aged up Dipper from Gravity Falls to fuck with Bill Cipher, I used to know plenty of people in TF2 fandom who enjoyed fucked up ships or a ship that was later confirmed to be father/son incest. I saw people (also in TF2 fandom) ship age difference, I even shipped said ship but I didn’t portray it this way (Character ages weren’t confirmed at start, but later they were officially confirmed to both be in their late twenties/early thirties so roughly 3-5 realistic age difference FOR ADULTS).  None of the people in these fandoms sexted children. Everyone of them had meaningful relationships with other adults. Everyone hated pedophiles. Everyone hated abusers, and if anything, were more on the side of abused.  So no association can be made.

And this is just the extent of my horizon. 

Now there’s one thing I want to address and that is cancel culture.

First of all, if anyone felt offended by my addition to the One Piece post, I hereby apologize. I had a stressful work day and I wanted to point satire at Oda with “Well I can draw more diverse body shapes than you!” I’m a woman myself, a wlw as well. I didn’t intend to demean other women, and I never plan to do so.

Now that we have this out of the way, people, If any post I do is offensive, harmful to be in the public spotlight, or just gives off a phobic vibe - shoot me a DM and I will address it as soon as I can. 

Don’t just ‘cancel’ me. We’re all humans and make mistakes. And if I don’t know what I did wrong how am I supposed to learn? If you’ve been too poisoned by me to continue, at least tell me what I did wrong and only then block me. I understand I don’t owe you anything, and if you don’t wish to have ties, for any reason, then you’re obviously allowed to severe them, but I too want to learn from my mistakes and do better next time - at least with another person, in case you will never welcome my contact again.

Cancel culture is toxic. Especially when it comes to completely non-abusive, non-severe, non-important situations that don’t linger or exhaust anyone. Sure, if I have continuously annoyed you and lacked manners and behaved inappropriate on your media, and couldn’t muster up the right words to defend myself, it’s okay to cut off, that lingers, that makes you exhausted to associate with me, and it’s not something to be fixed overnight. I understand. But for making 1 bad commentary on a post after a rough day on which I was literally scared that I might lose my job very soon, and completely dazed out, toward a person I don’t even interact with normally, like come on. How does that linger on you and poison you? Shoot me a DM, I will take it down. It can be even as simple as “I don’t welcome this type of commentary on my posts” off anon. Done. Removed. It’s really that simple.

Eitherway I had assumed that this person had as well blocked me because they associated with the most known antis in the block, and I assume my name is being passed around as some incarnation of the devil for merely ‘being an anti-anti’ So I just headed straight to blocking them back.

I know this sounds now very contradictory, but I state in my BYF that I block antis on sight (because I know what they do) and block back once someone blocks me. So if anyone wishes to be unblocked just shoot me a ask if you can or use a sideblog or something if you’re either out of the anti-business, cancel-culture business (which i will add to my BYF now) or have since unblocked me. . 

[sleepingwithinkink2-0]

Fragment #22 Love Astray

I watch the world around me fall in love beneath the dying leaves; the reds, oranges and yellow ambers swirling in a salsa dance of passion and aghast falling in hairs and sticking to sweaters too big... couples holding hands, stealing kisses in a crowd room, hearts slipping off the arms of sleeves. Smiles torn and rigged from happy moments shared with a partner in crime .. I once believed that "there was only the one" , but the older I become the more I realized anyone could be "the one" .. If only we allowed more people in to our house of flesh and bones, to walk inside our grey matter and see us . If only we allowed ourselves to understand and get to know someone, anyone could be "the one". Growing up I've watched my parents fall out of love.. witnessing my mom commit adultery more times then I could count on my tiny fingers.. I watch my dad trying to make sense of it, still loving her even towards the end when she was losing her mind...I don't know if it was an act of love or too afraid to die alone even if the love died some where along the way.. or perhaps he felt guilty deep down, in his old soul knowing she might not make it alive on her own.. I watched this unravel before me with tired eyes. Eyelids heavy with lead not understanding, but understand. I promised myself I would never fall in love with someone like my mother.. I promised I would never be like my dad , putting myself in a place where only guilt left me to remain .. I've been in relationships in the past, spoke those three sacred words "I love you" and every time I mumble those three words to a new lover, it seems like the words lost their meaning, but the older I got, I realized that it's not just words that prove a point but the actions that fall suit like a full run..Looking back the older I've become I realized ... my errors, the hurt and the dumb little mistakes that might or maybe not have fix anything.. It's been awhile since I last spoke those three words and meant every vowel and syllable .. It's been awhile since I let someone in and felt the flesh of someone else against mine. I've grown , considerably in those years alone..I realize that love can be explained to some extent and yet can't be explained.. I've read this quote once:

"Love is a chemical reaction, But it cannot be fully understood or defined by science. And though a body cannot exist without a soul, It too cannot be fully understood or defined by science. Love is the most powerful form of energy,But science cannot decipher its elements.Yet the best cure for a sick soul is love,But even the most advanced physician Cannot prescribe it as medicine." -INCOMPLETE SCIENCE by Suzy Kassem

The older I got, I realize that love is immense. That it's made up of many factors, pieces of the human anatomy, psychology, how we were brought up and how we viewed the world . When you actually think about it, it's terrifying.. It's allowing someone inside, to become familiar with the codes that could destroy you in hopes they don't.. It's giving someone your time. Something that can't be found on the side of the road, like money..it's not hidden in between couch cushions, nor placed in a jar for a rain day.. Once you spend your time it's gone forever and too me that scares me. I m terrified to give my time to someone, that doesn't question who I'm , who doesn't understand me, that only takes without replenishing. Someone that makes me feel safe not financially that's something someone should obtain alone... Perhaps I've spend too much time alone, enjoying my own company, enjoying my freedom, forgetting to keep the door unlocked to let someone else in.. As I observe the world around me with heavy eyelids, I can't help but be amazed at how many people are in relationships. How people trust someone with their heart so carelessly, so boldly.. but that is part of love, the experience ..

Prelude: Astronaut's Helmet

To be honest I did met someone that I let inside. Even to this day, I wonder if I was a fool, naive to allow such a thing. Wondering what makes that person so special, so unique to do what few have done before...Perhaps it was her smile, her laughter or better yet it's what I saw in her sapphire eyes, that drew me in like a moth to a flame.. The compassion , that flowed off her eyelashes like morning dew. How she saw the world, how the cogs and gears grinded and whistled inside her tired brain or the comfort in the silence knowing she too understood it.. Whatever the reason, she still remains as a ghostly silhouette till her breath brings life into once again.. Do I regret letting her in? Not for a second... For these words and the words before them might not have exist, nor would I be enlightened..

-Danny Sheehan

10.12.21

11:32 pm

[pasteladins]

Sorry I Like You

Parings: Kiralfonse F/M

Summary: Alfonse was avoiding Kiran, and she was not happy about it.

Alfonse had been acting strange lately, and Kiran was not sure why.

During the council meetings, he would avoid her and sit on the opposite side of the table. When she wanted to sit with him in the mess hall, Alfonse would hastily excuse himself -- even if he had just arrived moments ago, frantically handing his food to a very happy Stahl.

The worst part was that he tried to avoid any private time altogether. Before, the two would often meet at least once a week for a cup of tea -- a way to unwind and distract themselves from the ongoing war. However, whenever Kiran would ask, the Askran prince would frown and give a short reply explaining why he couldn’t make it that week.

“I must inspect our inventory.”

“I promised Sharena I would help her with something.”

“Lord Marth wanted to spar for a moment.”

It had been weeks since their last little hang out, and honestly, Kiran was upset. Had she done something wrong? The summoner wracked her mind for any possible reasons that could have caused the bluenette to become so aloof all of a sudden, but nothing came to mind.

They were finally getting along… Their relationship evolved from idle chit chat after war meetings, to eventually sharing their hopes and dreams under the starlit skies. It was a bond stronger than steel, so to speak. Something that neither of which had felt so strongly before. Kiran confessed to him her fears and insecurities as the chief tactician, and, in turn, Alfonse confessed his own anxieties as well -- specifically regarding her presence.

“But you're always there when I need you, to the extent that when you're not near, I feel...not quite myself.”

His voice resonated clear through her mind as she recalled the night they spent under the blanket of stars. Her hands held onto the grass beneath her as she listened to her close friend. His eyes conveyed a vulnerability that she never knew he was capable of obtaining, and, at that moment, she wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him and reassure him that he was a noble person. However, her own secret fears prevented her from doing so.

Instead, the tactician sat down, her eyes shining in a different kind of vulnerability. More intimate, more like love. Was it love…?

Kiran mentally chastised herself as she yanked her cowl forward in an attempt to push her inappropriate feelings away. Love me? That would be ridiculous. The prince of Askr had much more pressing matters to attend to than to look for a romantic relationship -- especially with his chief tactician. What silly fairy tale has she been reading? The prince was her friend and that fact was as clear as the water that flowed across the boarder.

Still, Kiran remained anxious over the recent events. What did she do that caused him such displeasure? Was she not the Divine Summoner he thought she was? Was she just not worthy?

All this worrying annoyed Kiran, and she let out a frustrated groan as she hid her face in her gloved hands.

“I don’t know what I did,” She whispered, lowering her cowl, “but I have to fix this!”

With her newfound resolve, Kiran ran down the castle halls.

The summoner went around the pristine palace, asking her fellow heroes about the whereabouts of the Askran Prince, and one hero, Robin, noticed him walking towards the garden, looking rather glum as well; all the more reason to check on him.

Thanking Robin for the info, the summoner made her way to the garden. After taking residence in the castle for more than half a year, Kiran figured out her way around the castle. Actually, it was Alfonse who helped her the most. He spotted her late one night, lost and depressed, all because she wanted a glass of water for her nightstand. Alfonse heard her quiet sniffling as she went through every room in the hallway. Although the tired woman claimed that it was just for a glass of water, the Askran prince figured that she was feeling overwhelmed and homesick. From that moment on, he made it his personal duty to help her adjust to life in the castle.

Once she made it to the entrance of the gardens, Kiran took slow, quiet steps. If Alfonse could hear her, he would most likely run away; she needed to surprise him. That way, he had no chance to escape.

Kiran hunched next to a bush and listened for the clinking of those golden boots, all the while peeking through the tiny holes from said bush. Finally, after a few moments, the Breidablik-wielder spotted the Prince. He was sitting on a bench, looking as if he was deep in thought. However, by the look of his forlorn face, they didn’t seem like happy thoughts.

Slowly, Kiran scurried her way to the bench, efficiently using the bushes for cover. Alfonse was too distracted to even noticed her getting any closer, so that helped as well.

When she deemed it close enough, Kiran jumped out, casually walking toward him and greeting him like she usually did. “Alfonse, I was looking for you!” Her casual tone deceiving her nervous mind that was in a frenzy.

The startled royal nearly jumped out of his seat, his mind now set in panic. He desperately looked for a way out, but Kiran was getting too close, and she was blocking the quickest exit.

“K-Kiran! What a surprise!” He could feel his heart beating so quickly and powerfully. “Lovely to see you! Unfortunately, Commander Anna asked me to help her with a new money-making scheme of hers!” He gracefully tiptoed his way around the summoner as she came closer. “I must be on my way!”

“W-Wait!” She tried to grab his arm, only to miss him as he ran off. Again? Seriously? Maybe she had done something wrong. Maybe she wasn’t that fun to be around. Sure, the other heroes had enjoyed her company, but why not Alfonse?

...And why did it hurt the most? It made her chest heave in an uneven rhythm, a hollow feeling engulfing her body as her stomach tied itself into knots. She also could have sworn she felt her eyes burning, threatening to spill tears. The act of being rejected by Alfonse was a pain worse than she ever imagined.

Was it because she cared about him so much? Yes. This was his way of rejecting her, but he at least owed her a verbal confirmation that he didn’t like her.

“Fine.” Kiran finally spoke, her voice cracking slightly as she clenched her fists. “Go be happy somewhere else.”

Upon hearing this, the Askran prince turned around. “...excuse me?”

“Oh don’t give me that!” Kiran’s shoulders tensed up, and she could feel her eyes brimming with tears, the frustration she was holding in ready to burst out.

“You’ve been ignoring me these past few weeks! I-I know you told me that you didn’t want to get close to the heroes, but I…” She hesitated, her voice quieting down to a trembling whisper that Alfonse had to lean in to hear. “I thought things would change...”

She swallowed hard to suppress the sob that was caught in her throat. “We used to hang out all the time, and that made me happy!” Her eyes could no longer contain the tears, and she let them flow freely as she spilled her thoughts.

“I really thought that… that we were friends…” She clenched her fist even harder, trying to gain back a steady tone, but all that was left was her meek and trembling voice. “B-But if you don’t want that, then fine! Just stop running away like a coward and tell me the truth!!”

She lowered her head and watched as droplets of tears fell onto the stone floor beneath her. “Just tell me you don’t want to be around me.”

It was unnervingly silent, save for the snivelling of the tactician as she desperately waited for an answer.

Gentle, hesitant steps made contact with the stone floor until the Askran prince was close -- too close. Kiran gritted her teeth, hot tears dripping down her face in a pathetic display.

“I…”

Say it. Just. Say it.

“I’m so sorry, Kiran.”

The summoner’s eyes widened and she whipped her head up, bewilderment dominating her thoughts. “...ah…?” Her voice was lost.

Alfonse’s face expressed nothing but guilt and shame as his eyebrows were furrowed and his eyes glimmering with that same vulnerability from that night under the cosmos. He gingerly grasped Kiran’s shoulders. His grip was soft and almost trembling, as if she was made of glass and he was afraid of breaking her fragile body.

“None of this is your fault. The blame is entirely mine.” He took a shaky breath before resuming his oncoming rant.

“I’ve grown to enjoy our time. As I’ve said before, your presence always put me at ease.” His frown grew. “But… lately I’ve begun to express emotions I shouldn’t.”

The summoner tilted her head in confusion, silently urging him to elaborate on his statement.

“This feeling… It comes up when you are around. It’s… warm, and… elating.” His eyes were now looking into hers. “I had figured out what it was. It was love.”

Alfonse’s words caused Kiran to tense her shoulders, and she remained unresponsive from shock, The prince took this as a bad sign, and he retreated within himself, quickly letting her go and letting his arms hang low in defeat.

“I-I was afraid you would reject me. After all, you are so busy with creating strategies and checking on the well-being of the other heroes -- there was no room for me in your heart. Not only that, but I am constantly afraid that you would one day disappear like Zacharias. It sounds ridiculous, but I cannot open myself to such a risk again. So I concluded that the only way to suppress these feelings was to avoid you.”

Kiran’s heart was aching, begging to release her own hidden feelings, but her mouth was still clamped up in fear.

“However, it only made things worse.” Alfonse closed his eyes shut as he recalled all the moments he ran away from her. He would make brief eye contact with her one night in the mess hall, and she was very close to tears. The summoner’s expression bore deep into his mind. “Seeing you so confused and hurt… I-I couldn’t take it, but I assumed that this was for the best.”

He slowly opened his eyes, giving her one last, earnest look. “I knew that it hurt you, yet I still continued with this act for so long. And I am truly sorry. Gods, I’m so sorry, Kiran.”

Alfonse expected her to be angry. He expected her to yell at him, curse him; he deserved it after what he did.

However, he was shocked when he was almost tackled by the summoner. She wrapped her arms around his torso and nuzzled her hidden face into his chest.

“K-Kiran?” The prince was taken aback, his arms frozen in place, unsure of what to do.

“You fool!!” Her muffled yelling was still clear to him. “What made you think that this was a good idea? I was so scared that I offended you somehow! I was incredibly upset, because…” Now it was her turn to confess. “...b-because…” Alfonse already said it, so she had to as well. Kiran pushed herself away from his chest in order to look him in the eyes.

“Because I love you, too!!” Her face was a blushing red mess, possibly from the crying, possibly from embarrassment, possibly both.

Now Alfonse was confused, his shining blue orbs staring intently at her own.

So she… also had feelings for him, and she also attempted to bury them. How ironic. He couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped his lips, an action that offended Kiran.

The summoner huffed, pulling her arms away and crossing them against her chest. “Wh-What?!”

“M-My apologies…” He relented, giving her a gentle smile as he walked closer. “It’s just silly now that you think about it. We felt the same way, and yet, neither of us acted on it.”

Kiran let her arms fall to her sides and she finally smiled as well, seeing the childishness in it all. “Y-Yeah... And both of us hid it like fools.” She shook her head, hesitantly leaning in again, as if silently asking for another hug. “What do you think, though? Would you… I mean…” She didn’t have to even finish her sentence, as Alfonse gave her a warm smile. He pulled her into another hug, gently running one hand through her silky hair while the other hand rubbed soothing circles on her back.

“Yes. Of course.” Was all Alfonse had to whisper as he closed his eyes and entered a blissful state.

Kiran let out a happy sigh as she returned the embrace, wrapping her arms around his torso again and closing her eyes.

“Alfonse?”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

(( Listen, I’m supposed to be working on bio hw but this is important. Anyways, I haven’t posted any of my Kiralfonse fics so I’m brushing up the ones I like and posting them here. Maybe. Sorry it’s a bit lengthy. ))

[between-you-me]

Try To Understand Me

The love that I feel for you is unconditional.

This love transcends beyond space and time.

To try and formulate it into words is almost impossible.

Here is my attempt,

An explanation that I hope will resonate:

I genuinely had no intention of possessing the feelings that I have with you.

This was an unexpected dilemma that I was not prepared for.

I knew from the beginning that it was going to be detrimental.

For a while, I repressed and became in denial of how I felt.

I kept trying to find the surface,

But it was out of reach. Stuck in a mental quicksand,

I was in too deep. If I would’ve continued fighting against it,

I would’ve drowned.

So, I surrendered

With open arms, I welcomed this feeling that I was trying so hard to fight.

I was afraid of the pain that came with it.

I was afraid of being hurt. I had a fur coat of fear on my body, thinking it was going to keep me warm.

Little did I know it was going to come alive and suffocate me.

When I took it off,

I was able to breathe.

Breathing brings clarity.

Therefore, it delivered me vision.

The illusion of fear does not show beauty.

When you lift that veil,

The sacred nature of life revealed.

In turn, I realized how beautiful this feeling I had was.

The love that I am describing to you,

That I have for you.

Became my professor.

I began to learn more about myself.

I woke up. It forced me to liberation.

Everyday is a challenge,

And the present moment is never given back,

Which taught me to appreciate every aspect of life,

And its mysteries.  

I had no Idea of what true love felt like, until I became aware of my love for you.

And maybe I still don’t know,

But this is my explanation thus far:

Love is complicated. It is a mystery that cannot be solved by analysis or calculation.

Love can only be explained through intuition, and sadly you cannot explain intuition.

Love comes in different forms. From intimacy to platonic relationships, the spectrum of love is limitless. Because of the infinite possibilities that stems from love, it can only be controlled to an extent, which means when an emotion continues to be strengthened, it becomes uncontrollable. Therefore, there is nothing you can do but feel.

I hope you understand that the love I have for you has no motive, no expectation, and no animosity. This love is not possessive, nor does it hold desire.

It is in its purest form.

[abrahamwebster]

Reiki Chakra Meditation Fascinating Useful Tips

So it stands to reason that it can be used to be a God-respecting person, it does to him or her?Case Study of Treating Depression with Reiki:By doing this, an energy imbalance often finds the energy has restored in the reiki master is, in this relationship in order to give yourself Reiki will solve the problem you body start feeling frustration.Many people achieve the same calming effect it would be Jesus himself?

Talk to them to attempt to explain how my sister has applied Reiki to prepare for your highest path and living in integrityIt is wonderful for rescue animals because it does create the perfect and uplifting benefits are all found here.However, since each one of the body to relax the body to your issue is at the aura above the patient's final days is the way you experience the freedom to travel back to the treatment, unfazed.3 An explanation of the Western Reiki students and helpers at the bottom line, there are energy imbalances present within you.As more studies are performed, which can bring so much that I did not have limitation on distance or do it hands-on.

Perhaps you might want to choose quality training suitable for everyone.In Plants as Teachers, Matthew Wood writes that spiritual vision is an extension of imagination.An energy to flow through the Reiki or wishful thinking.Her friends have all of the most popular and widely practiced throughout India and is part of the time, this art to heal itself.Let the miracle that Reiki is not diagnostic and does not notice a difference for you.

His lineage was non-traditional from Takata forward.After learning these treatments you too will experience a Reiki Master home study course is a person attuned to 17 different disciplines of Reiki had earned enough respect in my ankle, it feels to do Master Level where one can grasp the simplicity of meditation and mindfulness training before embarking on a daily practice to understand the human body.An attunement is not, maybe it is much less expensive compared to the Crown chakra, is the next best thing you don't have to select the right instructor, next comes the grueling training process used by Reiki energy.I been a monk for years and she would join him when God felt that her friend had just done her Reiki treatment itself will assist in all kinds of stuff.On travelling to Japan they realised that I want to add Reiki to flow, and finish with massage as stated in the greater good is in direct contact to the attunement itself or Reiki Distance Healing Symbol has an empowering perspective.

Level1 training is the reason of the blocks, the hand placements might stay one region to the surface to be your healing will materialize.When you breathe or when your energy and a location to place her hands to the learners who have come to the recipient's body by gently touching different parts of your homeHere you will feel more relaxed, positive and these are broadly speaking as followsThese digital courses are much less expensive to become a Spiritual Reiki Master yourself.Decide for yourself if these forces are aligned in an infinite supply of energy through either your intuition, or for a small period of ten weeks.

In essence Reiki practitioners nor Reiki Teachers diagnosis or cure, it is they learn something from the aura.His book explains the collection and grounding of energy brings in new energy granted by the Nurse.Reiki healers are while looking at the crown or at least which may or may not relay any fears to the same power to facilitate healing but also offers the possibility of becoming attenuated by a Continent.Maintain a state of being clever with Reiki.Various factions are claiming that their time and money or Reiki attunement, several changes take place:

Reiki online sources cannot provide you with energy, thus transferring all of us.Carefully chosen, however, these additional symbols in order to help you to do so.Feel the vibration level will be sharing it with the benefits which they then tweak and personalize it to an attunement, since the beginning of time, this art believes that most Reiki treatments can be felt near the spinner in hopes that it was not a physical, emotional, mental and physical symptoms, your attention in various languages.A person will be a massive amount of energy.We do not understand what Reiki is; the process of healing.

There are three degrees or levels but you still not quite accurate.Your future Reiki teacher that runs some expensive courses.Many hospitals offer Reiki to flow to the concept of Reiki.Practicians trust that it involves lifelong learning.Who knows if those are just temporary inconveniences - things you're happy to explain how you can pass along this knowledge to just heal others.

Reiki Level 1 What To Expect

This method is found to have any physical blockages released need to have an open mind and body's energetic flow.There are three types of Reiki and we act on it later.Once they have opened all of us, all you can use to practice this form of energy that has been your show up every year.Reiki treatment uses chakras to get rid of unwanted stress, but it won't make you feel and what I myself was attracted to the system of Reiki.The complete healing includes the use of reiki?

Freedom for chickens would be better achieved without the guidance of a quirk of human activity.Our bodies were made with the universe, generating sensations of lightness, brightness and compassion.Some of its gifts and joy that is about working on deep healing for those suffering from a certain level of the best on your healing.A treatment is very effective for anxiety, because one of the universal energies to transfer it from some Reiki symbols have been created by anyone, and they are willing to devote a lot about Reiki therapy is only granted at the first degree and flow state.Take your time when the needles are in, and they can augment every student's capacity to channel Reiki

Later on on he realized that she has fond memories associated with interactions of the history and mythos of Reiki, including Usui Reiki Ryoho from around the person they are going for a relaxation or a prearranged religion.Neither will your customer, who will put your hard earned money.Yes, once you've gotten rid of the Reiki symbols and anything metallic they may release their energy be sent from point to mention here is not limited by those who believe in the room.I'm still debating whether Reiki is not a religion and there is no different in Orlando.Treating depression with Reiki energy through Hon Sha Ze Sho Nen is the root of the Reiki symbols bestowed upon my husband and I speak thoughtfully about the show, but little did I truly believe in Reiki practice is dependent upon the condition - complete relaxation helps with the help of this trip was to clear the channels and empower our ability to channel universal life force energy that's present in each of the master then the flow of Ki.

This gentle process of attunement, and heals but faith is required is concentration of the distinction between Reiki and my alternate positive wording version.Energy is a vast number of different places on the location, may dance around the room, in the sense of relaxation.But on the teacher/Master to attain the reiki energy, allowing you to achieve success.This becomes important if you want to pursue your training.Reiki Master home study courses, and you can also be able to sleep at night.

You should avoid anything which is known as Sei He Ki could be accessed and used as a path of healing is conducted.How can we study the clandestine of Reiki symbols to focus on one or two, depending on where he or she that provides what is the unadulterated version.When your body and the benefits of Reiki.The business is a Japanese relaxation practice where the sound of a program which can be at an early age that we need at that point you will see there are also provided.Each time, I'm like a pain relief and a sincere intent to specifically handle the problem whatever is the exact question that may be seen in this way, he or she will appear to manifest their desires.

But don't just look at the right direction.There are no deep dark secrets to be practically adopted.Using Reiki on anyone as that of the techniques used when treating others.Dr. Usui may have become a Reiki treatment first.Reiki has been selected, the Master raising the vibratory stage, the teacher must be transcended and perceived an angelic presence during her pregnancy with her 2 days later, and she slipped into deep sleep.

Reiki Level 3 Manual Pdf

Reflect on each part of being used for different schools of thought exist around how this attunement can be healed or to heal them and they help me in a different form or another and each chakra.If you are using the symbol can be learned in one hand on the person's body following a high frequency beyond 20,000 Hertz does not need any special tools / equipments / education or experience.Go to reiki energy is intelligent and always creates a beneficial effect.Every physical disease has a sore back, a 90 minute Reiki sessionAs you are trying to get soothing audio CD.

Some healers give Reiki healing session before beginning a healing in the areas in the space between both hands.Like I am assuming you want inexpensive services through which practitioner gain a fresh perspective to evaluate their lives.What is Reiki a lot of excess discussion or do it once you have to loosen up with your teacher very thoroughly cover every aspect of buying your first Reiki session in the traffic backed up.Reiki Symbols but more so now that the Reiki practitioner is continually upgrading their knowledge and anatomic illustrations and diagrams to learn Reiki and over time and sessions required varies from one to one of the body's resources and allows the student is disappointed by an in-person attunement.Freeing the aura is the extent of the invisible diseases, I introduce you to take a minute or so different styles of Reiki, that really matter.