#inconvinient ideal

[hiveswap]

Summary of The Cat of The Year poll atrocities of 2023/2024

I'm sure that most people on this side of tumblr have seen the Jellie vs. Nefarious Anglerfish poll going around with like 60k votes at this point, and I'd really like clear up some of what happened since I was around for the whole thing.

Url blocked out for op's privacy. They have already left but don't look for it if you haven't seen it/don't harrass them if you already have.

1. The previous round (preparation)

I discovered the poll in its previous round, needless to say she beat Jort's ass severely. This was around the 3rd of january, meaning that this round finished before jellie's passing with only about 7k votes. Op did add their own piece of propaganda from their main:

...which was FINE. (except for stuff we'll see later) Of course running a poll while biased isn't ideal but I for one didn't even know they were the op until much later. I also added my own piece in a separate thread, and they didn't interact with it at all. There was no drama.

2. The Finale

Jellie unfortunately passed away right before the starting of this poll, which was the catalyst for what happened next. Op did exactly as last time and added a slightly more mean spirited encouragement to vote for the other contestant. This is the point where I believe that i fucked up personally.

I added this thinkpiece accusing op of associating all mcyters with Dream (who we all hate for the record) despite them not alluding to him at all. This is because tumblr has a history of disimissing all mcyters as... everything that dream was been accused of. Op did allude to not caring for mcyt. but they didn't say what i accused them of. This is important to point out because this reblog of mine is still being spread. Jellie was in the lead at the time, but not by the time i woke up next morning.

I won't be including anyone else's additions because I don't want to put blame on any specific person. Just felt like clearing up mine.

3. The Fuckening

Some time later op made this post to their personal blog:

which is insanely shitty because, as other people have pointed out, the "lame ass youtube cat" didn't die to inconvinience op or ruin their fun, and people would have probably voted for her anyway because jelly is universally beloved in the mcyt community. This isn't anti democratic. This post was added to the poll with a caption saying op should not be running this poll, and it took off. Op later went on to say that this was a joke:

This apology was not taken well by people, (including me) because "you were not meant to see it" isn't an apology and they still very much made fun of someone's pet dying. Safe to say this did not make the drama stop and only added fuel to the flame. I believe this was the point where the conversation of mcyt fans being unjustly sent hate to was reignited.

We should discuss that! it's a real thing that happens often and is equal to childish bullying. However, in this case, OP was the only one getting sent hate to my knowledge. The notes were mostly saturated by mcyt fans, and even now i can only find one or two hateful stance towards us under the whole 20k notes post.

4. Conclusions

Op posted a second apology to the catoftheyear blog to try and calm people down (i believe this is comprehensive and a lot better than the previous one) The blog was deactivated shortly after, so i only have my phone screenshots of it that i also added to the poll itself at some point:

(Edit) Here's proof that op did not write the justification they got criticised for, from the notes of the original poll:

This apology didn't get seen, or get accepted by enough people, so op made this statement on their personal:

Needless to say I am deeply dissapointed (and guilty) that it's come to this. Yes, op said tasteless things that made us all angry, but telling a human being to commit suicide is worse than being insensitive about a stranger's pet dying. Even after I posted about the blog being decatived i had someone come into my notes to wish that "they never find happiness" i mean wtf. This isn't like shipping where we can do whatever without the content creator's input. this is fucking harrowing and i can't imagine how i'd feel if this was done in my/my pet's name especially after losing them as recently as a week ago.

I hope no one from hermitcraft who is on here (let alone scar holy shit) learns about this like they did with previous lighthearted tournaments. If you truly respect the creators you claim to be a fan of as people, you do not tell people to kill themselves over them. And finally, let Jellie fucking rest, guys. she had a long, good life. I hope op can come back and also avoids behaving like this if they ever wish to do so. I'm angrier at mcytblr, though.

[the-cryptographer]

Fenris's anger towards Danarius in act 1 is so deceptive. Not that it doesn't exist - it definitely exists, is very real and all-consuming. And Fenris definitely creates a very logically sound argument for why it exists and why Danarius deserves to die and why it would be incredibly insulting to just pay Danarius for his own freedom - ie. the institution of slavery is evil! after everything he's taken from me, why does he also deserve my money?! (Absolutely a fair point. But nevermind that Fenris knows perfectly well that Danarius is already extremely wealthy, and already expending a far greater amount of money having him tracked and hunted and brought back alive than Fenris could ever hope to match.) And I think it all distracts from the fact that Fenris is just not a very ideological person and isn't actually motivated by ideological ideals. Which is what makes him a sensible and reasonable and pragmatic person (unlike Anders who is 100% fuelled by outrage against injustice in the face of every practical impossibility to his plans, and is thus insane (i say this affectionately, please keep your Anders hate/salt off my post)).

There's just a very practical reason that Fenris is so angry in Act 1 and I think it's that his anger is one of a very few things that's keeping him from going back to his abuser. Like, Danarius has gone out of his way to make as sure as possible that Fenris's time as a man free is as miserable and uncomfortable as being his slave, if not more. When you meet Fenris, he's being chased across the filthy backwaters of Southern Thedas by bounty hunters, hounded and paranoid and unsafe at every turn, without access to adequate food or housing or medical care, incredibly lonely and entirely without allies (and who would want to ally with him, when it comes with the strife of becoming a target of those bounty hunters too??). He is living a miserable grimy existence, and he knows that the easiest way to make it stop is to give in. To go back to Danarius - let Danarius be the solution to the problem that Danarius created in the first place, entirely with the intention of bringing Fenris back under his control. And the only thing stopping Fenris from doing that is him reminding himself at every inconvinient moment that he's furious with Danarius and the guy made his life hell and deserves to die miserably. And you think so too, right, Hawke?! Tell him you think so too!

So that anger is important, but the things that Fenris said in it also can't really be taken as a literal understanding of his thought process or his actual desires imho. It's just pretty obvious by the time you reach acts 2 and 3, when Fenris has far more in the way of resources and allies and security, that all his conviction and outrage in act 1 about how he'd go and hunt down Danarius and kill the man himself was an extremely empty bit of hot air. His grand plan for dealing with Danarius in act 3 is 'hope that guy has moved on and forgotten about me so I can meet my sister in peace'. Frankly, he doesn't want to kill Danarius - doesn't want to have to. Much in the same way he didn't want to have to kill Hadriana. He doesn't give a shit about revenge or whether or not they deserve it for their magical crimes. It's just that none of these fuckers will leave him the fuck alone to move on with his life.

[spacexseven]

What's your ideas on a yandere reader? I envision a more highly devoted type that borders worship. I'm curious for Atsushi and Kunikida would deal with this. Maybe Dazai too.

i always love to read anything to do with yandere reader :> it's been growing on me recently but honestly i feel like i can never write it in a way that isn't unappealing to read 😭 (i got carried away at some parts)

cw yandere reader, yandere character, obsession, stabbing, general descriptions of violence (dazai's part) stalking, jealousy, possessive behavior, unhealthy relationships, manipulation codependency.

initially, atsushi would be very uncomfortable with that level of devotion. he doesn't think he deserves it, and even if your compliments and concerning amount of praise flatter him, he knows it's not...normal. you shouldn't hold anyone, let alone him in such high regard. but still, if you persist, he feels like he owes it to you to reciprocate your feelings at least to some degree. it's not like he's had anyone else that's been interested in him before, and definitely not like this.

the guilt never fades, but he grows a little compliant, not protesting when you cancel his plans and tell him to stay away from his friends. how can he say no and watch your face fall? he hates disappointing anyone, and knowing you would do anything for him makes him never want to disappoint you.

while he may never understand the fierce possessiveness in your eyes when anyone else approaches him or the desperation in your voice when you plead with him for his love, he thinks he can grow to accept it. it doesn't hurt to feel wanted, and he thinks after all the days he's felt absolutely useless and undeserving of any happiness, this isn't too bad.

it feels nice to be so loved, even if he knows, deep down, that it can't be healthy.

for kunikida, he's really just confused at first. why would anyone allow themselves to become so bothered with someone else? it just feels useless to him. so when he learns of your feelings, and towards him, he's even more perplexed. what did you see in him? he approaches you directly about it, and you aren't so shy that you wouldn't answer him, although he can tell you're intimidated. you tell him he's your idea of an ideal partner—clever, determined, quick on his feet and loyal. he was perfect, in your eyes. and you believe he deserves someone to worship him. someone to care for him like he cares for others, someone to know him beyond his sometimes harsh exterior. and then you tell him that you haven't been lucky enough to peek into his book yet, but you hope you qualify for at least one requirement of his ideal partner. kunikida goes home that night, and stares at his list for the ideal partner. after a long time, he picks up his pen and makes some changes. he can't exactly understand you, but he can appreciate your efforts. his favorite drink on his bedside every morning with a note from you, just the way he keeps his cup—he overlooks the obvious breach of privacy in favour of the comforting warmth from his drink. your attempts to conform to his wishes, no matter how inconvinient. your constant praise and love for him. still, he knows it's unhealthy. he knows it's not right but...he grows to enjoy your presence. he tells himself that soon, he'll stop you. he'll talk to you some other time, about working on your attachment to him. for now...he can relish in your total trust in him.

dazai couldn't believe it at first. he already caught on to your not so subtle stalking a while ago—you weren't as good as you'd think, but he found it oddly endearing. he would be flattered, even, that someone cared so much. he definitely didn't need you to keep an eye out on him as he ventured through dangerous alleys alone, but it was nice to know someone was looking out for him.

he might even find it sweet.

for all he likes to act like nothing bothers him and he's always alright, he kind of likes to be acknowledged in this way.

so his next course of action would be to stalk you, obviously! alright, so that startled expression whenever you catch him looking, that flustered look when he smirks at you, telling you that he knew what you were up to, stirred something inside him. but what could he do? you were just so cute! he gets to know you (by watching you through the windows) and he's struck by how...normal you are. you really weren't pretending around him at the office. he texts you and watches your face light up. he sends you selfies and watches as your eyes grow wide and your breath hitch. you really did like him, didn't you? he does it on purpose, sometimes. flirts with the waitress as you seethe from the corner, wondering how far you'd go for him. you don't hurt her, but you didn't need to—that burning glare from you that day sent her running away from dazai every time after that. when he watches you stab fyodor, lying on the ground in a pool of his own blood, spitting out curses at him for hurting your dazai, landing a hand on him—he smiles, despite himself. he feels lightheaded. he thinks it's from the wound at first, but realises you probably drugged him. you didn't have to, but he doesn't mind. your usual softhearted nature burned away in your rage, eyes sharp and hands steady as you plung the knife in and out. you don't give the man a quick death, swearing he would pay for ever daring to touch dazai. he's almost jealous that the other man is getting all your attention, but he isn't afraid.

you're doing this because you loved him, after all, and he knew in that moment he would do the same.

[thyfatedenemy]

OC questions 2, electric boogaloo

1. Whose the one person your OC absolutely doesn't want to make sad? A parent? Siblings? Friend? Lover?

2. What do they do when they're stressed? How do they relax?

3. Whats the place they want to visit the most? Is it the past, the present, the future? Has the place been destroyed? Are they unwelcomed there?

4. How quick are they to sacrifice themselves to others?

5. Who/what would your OC die for? Is it their favorite person? Their ideals? A place, like a home?

6. What's something your OC can't loose?

7. How far would they go for their ideals and passions? How much are they willing to sacrifice?

8. Would your OC help someone they hate?

9. Are they easily scared? What are they afraid of?

10. How does your OC show they care? Do they say it? Do they use their actions? Both? What actions and/or words do they use?

11. How well do they react to change?

12. What's your OC sensitive about?

13. How quick are they kill to someone? Do they refuse to do it no matter what? Do they do it if pushed far enough? Are they looking for a minor inconvinience that'll set them off enough to give someone the SAW experience?

14. How does your OC react to others being in pain?

15. What's a flaw they hate the most about themselves?

[ecto-stone]

So I don’t really know that much about that my blood au you created could you tell me a bit about it?

Ha hah I Hope this is Edible

So My Blood Au is just Me dumping all the cool stuff i can think of into a DP what if Vlad is Good ^For Starter MB Vlad or Vladimir Jude Masters is a Paranormal investigater/ hunter/exocist in a sense. He seemingly Perfect in People eye, Not Really on the inside as he have many problem stem from living so long and going though alots of thing that he prefer not to talk about that he hide from People , go so far as to adjust his own emotion to what he find fit to the situration making him really hard to read. (Not Jack and Danielle, those are close enough 2 peel him like an onion if they sense something off). -Vlad And Danny are not same kind of Halfa in this AU, Vlad is Two soul (Half Blue Demon Vampire Ghost, Half Human twisted together and blend into one) and Danny is Soul within soul (Going though the accident give him two identical soul that over lapped each other) -Ghost are nerf and ecto beam and ecto Base attack can harm ghost but they can't harm Physical thing in living world Unless they are infuse with Core element same with Human entering Purgatory. -The world have 5 Realm: LivingWorld, Purgatory (GhostZone), Elsewhereness, Fairy Land and Unworld. +Going with the idea that originaly Vlad is supposed to be a vampire and many ghost in the series feel like they are more supernature creature then Ghost. Living world now have many Human and other Creature living among each other , hidden in plain sight +Purgatory: Where Ghost go and heal before they move onto Elsewhereness (Heaven in this verse) or Rebirth back to the living cycle. There are many area in Purgatory that fit human decription of after life look like , this is due to collective faith and ideal of many Ghost focus with each other to created these Resting stop. Incidentally like the living world these area are also watch over by being call King and Queen of the Death (Caretaker and protector of the Death soul, a being with incredible power capable of bending reality). Most well known one are the King Dark, Prince Argon and Princess Dora of the Dark Age Zone. Queen Desire of the thousand and one night. ect.. newest King of the death is Ghost Writer (library of the forgotten) but he prefer not be refer to as king, just Ghost writer. +Elsewhereness: The final resting Places of enternal Bliss. Once the Soul is ready to let go of all earthly desire, they are send here. Not much is known about this realm or it location. When a Soul reach enlightment it will automatically know where to find it. The realm also House many god. +Fairy Land: Home to care taker of the childhood inocent and many god that work to keep the universe running. Most common creature that live here is Fairy with two side one silly colorful side that appear to children to granted what ever their heart desire. The other is the Blue fortune side that Weaved the fabric of Luck and fate. +Unworld: A Dark realm with one way in no way out. It house many dangerous creature, ancient outer god and unspeakable Evil that have been banish to through age by god and human. >the Origin Story: +Vlad and Jack are Friend from Childhood (Their Bond are really tight kinda like Sworn Brother ) unlike their canon counter part meet in college. They Hunt Ghost but in more of a Release soul from their earthly bound kind of way via the info they get from the Masters Family Grilmore. (There is one major inconvience is that You need to wait for the correct day and time to perform ritual sending ghost back to purgatory so they can Move on to Elsewhereness/heaven of this verse ) +They Meet Maddie in college (Maddie and Vlad almost alway in a total clash with each other with Maddie tech almost Hunter like way in dealing with ghost and Vlad more traditional Way of Handling them) Which end with Three of them forming the Original Ghost Trio. With Maddie accept Vlad and Jack Respect the Death ideal. And Vlad and Jack incorperate More Technology into their Asset. +Maddie point out the inconvinient of having to wait for the correct day for each ghost to send them back to Purgatory (Their room are fill with

Container for ghost), Which lead to them comming up with the idea of Making a Ghost Portal. <Note: MB Vlad is not into Romantic relationship, Platonic one Matter to him more> >The Accident: No diet soda the Accident is purely due to one miscalculation that cost Vlad life (his Head got Blash Clean off infront of Jack and Maddie) In that Split Second of His face getting disintigrating, Vlad get a Glim into UnWorld (the Realm where are Demon and evil of the four realm are banish to) and Got Latched on and Pushed Back to the living world by a Demon Vampire Ghost Both Soul are now inhabited Vlad headless lifeless body, in Which about 3 day after Vlad burial that Vlad Body got completely decontructed inside the coffin and recontructed into a body that is more fitting to host both . Vlad have a hard time remembering Who he is after kinda get rebirth and Wander the world until he Get Suck into a Natural Ghost Portal and got Flunk Back in time. >Journey of an Immortal Being: -Vlad Stuck in the Past, He recovered his memories, Going through existenal crisis, Evil phase, Evil make me feel bad, Not Evil anymore, Found out that he is immortal now, Existenal crisis part2, Acceptance, Travel the World and Start doing the what ever he like, learning old way of magic still helping ghost and other supernatural being. -Caused several Major Change to the past that Mythical Creature got un extinct. (Due to the Law of life and death this does not affect who get born or not, it just that the world got alots more races now and those used to be born human in the original timeline might get born as another races entirely) -Get Mistaken for Messiah.( Look You can't kill Vlad, He would just be gone for like 3 day then comeback) -Caused the legend of Dracula. -Vampire cult have a horrible obession with Vlad as a Whole. Look like vampire act like one, can walk in plain day light and more importantly the ability to Open a Portal to Unworld . ( Vlad don't use this ability much and can only open small one as it is very energy consuming) -Meet his own ancestor Which is the Fentonightingale that Later Splited into Fenton and Nightingale (later change to Masters) leading to revealation that Jack and Him might be very distant Related. -Bickering With Time God (Do not trust the Clock Man that work for the Eyes) -Get Caught in War far too many time. -Meet Phantom (an odd entity that is oddly clingy to him) in the Great War. -Meet Other Some of the DP ghost when they still alive -The Horrible Bar incident that reveal Phantom true nature, an evil being that wish to turn the world back to it original nature of nothiness and try to turn vlad to the his side, Kill, Seal in Rock Case covered with Sigil to prevent Phantom from escape, Chuck it into the ocean. - The Contruction of the Coffin Ghost Portal. (Havent actually went into the Purgatory caused the CCP is one Way Portal. -Forming of many Hidden town that home supernatural being. Amity Park is one of them. - And many more unseen story >Daddy Stolen Ribbone saga (MB Vlad is sterile, he want to have kid but can't.) -The Vampire cult that he have grudge with attemp to Clone or at least created a child that have Vlad Power through ritual and cult like method. Imagine Danny Clone but even more mess up . -Vlad end the life of most of them by his own hand (they are suffering, it is best to let them go) -Birth of Danielle: +Danielle Evelyn Masters or just Dani/Dee for short is the only Stable child come out of this whole odeal. She is Created From Vlad Ribone like a Twisted Eve. And like in the book it caused both of them to be very attached to each other in a Fatherly Daughterly Way. +Dee Have Vlad Ghost power and Demonic Power but No ghost form (Her default funtion as both and whether she is in ghost mode or Human mode is all Up to energy control) and no connection to Unworld there for she can't open portal to Unworld. Dual Soul nature Wind/Fire.

+She like Frog and is interested in Marine biology (which Vlad have full support over, she have a room fill with Vlad hand made frog plusie that she all named. +He raise her teach her everything he know about how to deal with supernatural being and how to Snipe Vampire from a long distant with pin point accuracy.

+An kidnapped incident with the Vampire cult latter resulted in Dee Death at the age of 12 (1999), and Vlad becoming fully Merged into one Being with Plasmius. and wipe out the entire vampire cult in a horrible Vlad the impaler way). +After wiping out the remainder of the cult, vlad go into retirement and work as a wall Painter < he work supper fast on celling painting and no one know why> >The Boy Who Fly (2 year before the start of actual MB story) -Danny Gain his power at the age of 10, his parent know. The event of Portal acivation caused the whole town to have a black out. -They move House alots for 2 year. And Jack try his best to make his family as normal as they can be after accidenly k his friend all those year ago and now half eff his own son. -They finding out amity park their new home is on accident when the RV engine die mid way through the middle of no Where (The town shown it self to those in need) -Danny hide his abiltiy. But after a gym incident. and getting Praise by his peer for it instead of scold like with the adult Danny start getting bolder using Floating power around his new friend when no adult is watching. <Vlad who is Working on the Giant Raven paiting for the School Saw this and know imediately What Danny is> -They offically meet each other on the the roof top, when Danny mom ask him to go down the store and by some bread and he decided to try to Air Frog Swim to it. They become friend and Vlad even teach Danny how to fly properly before having to leave (they visit each other alots after the revealation, and vlad is a good adult friend that Danny can talk to) (Danno forgot about the bread and return home breadless) -Jack may stop with the whole Paranormal hunter/ghost scientist job but not Maddie. She keep doing it behind his back due to danny special need in ecto base consumtion (he havent grow abit since the accident and keep getting smaller and it concerning) -Jack found out and they have a Fight. which lead to Maddie go to his Sister house. -Danny Found out about why his dad was so stressed out about ghost thing now. When looking through his parent old stuff with his new friend tucker. (Dude why does your parent have a Picture of the wall painter in thier old junk). He show the image to Vlad. -Danny Get jack to tell the story about the inccident. Dad what if i tell you that Your friend who die 18 year ago survived and is on our front door right now. Reunion, Jack feeling guilty about making them both like this. Go Get Maddie. Happy reunion of the trio. -Fenton Parent become accepting to Danny condition, Danny have a good mentor that can teach him ho to control his power And they live happy ever after for now

[assrotea]

Heeeey (~‾▿‾)~ I'm glad you're enjoying to read my fave's charts (btw I'm that day6-obsessed anon (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞ hahaha). Can I ask now for Wonpilie's post?? Thanks again 😘😘

P.S.: If I'm bothering you with my constant requests, please tell me!! I really like your post and opinions on charts and astrology, but also I don't want to be inconvinient or annoying.

Hi!! back at it again with your AMAZING emojies!! ALSO answering this took a lil bit bc I really answer the requests like, each one depending on the mood I’m in??? so, yeah.... THIS IS THE TIME

Ideal Type:

Smart. Random knowledge overflowing all the time, very light hearted and someone who can also like... let him take the lead but still being yk comunicative and expressive about their feelings.

The key here is balance bc while his placements do talk about liking very straighfoward lightly fiery and opinionated ppl personally I  picture it as just a very mature person with mature opinions and an easy going nature (but still that fiery tendency is needed) Bc sagittarius/gemini have this bad rep of being idk flighty when it comes to relationships BUT  the actual thing is that need to feel constantly on the move/stimulated mentally (and his aries mars adds to this too)

He is part of the brains over looks team.

As a Boyfiend:

He’d be very casual about almost everything

like I get this feeling (specially after doing the reading thing for youngK) that everything about his relationship would just be comforting?

like the feeling you get when going to ikea and having lots of fun?? and yk is not like a crazy experience but is still sooooo cool and exciting (that ofc is if you’re into the ikea thing,,,,, if not you must be reading this like omg you boring bitch)

So umm ANYWAY, that sort of comfort/fun would be something he’ll bring to his s/o

like I said, I think he’d like to take the lead of the relationship

would probably love lazy mornings and slow starts of days

I just can’t stop having the “very domestic” thing on my head but I don’t mean it as a cancer type of domestic, or a capricorn way........

is like a very domestic but make it casual like

the feeling of gradually moving in with somebody, and just endless bonding and that sort of sweet but fun love????

that’s ya boy as a boyfriend!!!!

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

You know you're getting more asks from me since I'm obsessed with the eloquence and insight of your answers ;) A Stelena one: what do you see as their commonalities and their main (and hopefully complementary) differences? What are your five or so favorite Stelena scenes of the series? And other than wishing they had stayed together and were endgame, what's one thing you'd have wanted to see more of or less of from their relationship?!

Well, I’m always up for answering asks, so thank you for sending them in! 

To answer your first question about Stefan and Elena’s similarities, they share a lot which bring them together. They’re both incredibly emotional people; they’re sensitive and feel things deeply. This is why they both struggled to adjust as vampires, because the heightened emotions they felt overwhelmed them. In fact, as vampires they were very similar in regards to their loss of control when feeding, the depression, the ruthlessness when they had no humanity and keeping trophies from their victims. They’re particularly attuned to the emotions of others and this is the foundation for their compassion. Whilst Damon’s instinct was to kill Caroline when she first turned because she was an “inconvinience”, Stefan and Elena never once considered that and devoted themselves to helping her. Similarly, despite Damon’s actions (particularly in the early seasons), neither of them ever gave up on him and were able to sympathise with him even when he did something unforgivable. 

Their sensitivity also leads them to have another commonality: writing in journals. This is all part of the way they express themselves and process their thoughts and emotions in a healthy way. But the journals are about more than this; they’re a manifestation of the loneliness they feel. In season 1, Elena feels incredibly isolated following the deaths of her parents. Likewise, Stefan feels lonely as a vampire who is unable to connect with humans but doesn’t fit in the supernatural world either due to him not feeding on humans. So in addition to them both being emotional people, the emotions they experienced were very similar. This is what brought them together in season 1, because they had a spiritual connection and understanding that stemmed from them both feeling alone and like they don’t belong. 

Stefan and Elena also have the same moral compass and operate on the same wave length. Their priority is always to care for those around them and to act on compassion and forgiveness. They repeatedly show forgiveness and mercy to those that wrong them and their calling to help people was why Stefan wanted to be a doctor and why Elena actually became a doctor. They also share the same philosphy in regards to how they live their lives. Despite there being constant drama in Mystic Falls and danger lurking right around the corner they both believe in the importance of living in the moment and appreciating what they have in the present. 

Intellectually, they were also on the same level which we saw hints of from their exchange of books, the way they expressed themselves in their journals and interest in medicine. They also wanted the same from their life - to be human, to have a family, to be doctors. Their visions for their ideal future perfectly aligned and so in this way they also understood each other. 

As for their differences, their main one is that Elena is much more extroverted than Stefan. She’s more sociable and likes to go out and party, dance and have fun. In comparison, Stefan is much more introverted and although he’s able to socialise without any problems, he’s far from being a social butterfly. Of course, in this respect they compliment each other because Elena is able to bring Stefan out of his shell and enable him to be himself in a safe environment.

I would also say that Stefan is a darker character than Elena. Elena is certainly not a saint and she struggles to adjust to being a vampire but Stefan struggles with his darker impulses a lot more than Elena does. Whilst Elena is able to get control over her urges and impulses by the end of season 4, for Stefan it’s an ongoing struggle. I really put that down to the fact that Stefan is so much older than Elena and has endured hurt and had experiences that are so deeply embedded in him and that impact everything he thinks and feels as well as how he behaves. Even in this way though, they compliment each other because Elena is Stefan’s anchor, the tether to his humanity and what keeps him grounded. Whenever he loses control or is struggling to keep a handle on things, she’s there to act as his voice of reason and to remind him of who he truly is. 

Choosing just 5 favourite scenes is impossibly difficult because I love so many but some of my favourites are: 

3x14

I just love the angst in this scene. How Elena is going to let him leave but then catches the door just before it closes because she can’t watch him leave without saying what needs to be said. I love what she says to him and how she challenges the way in which he’s shut her and everybody out. This is Elena knowing Stefan better than anyone; seeing through the facade and knowing that no matter how indifferent he acts or how hard he pushes her away underneath it all he still cares and he still feels just as deeply as she does. I love how at first Stefan tells her to stop because he can’t handle facing up to these emotions but how he breaks down and admits how much he hates himself for the way in which he hurt her. I love the way physical touch is used; how she uses her hands to encourage him to meet her eyes but he resists because he’s too ashamed to look at her. And I love the final line “If I let myself care all I feel is pain”, because it needs to be said and now Elena can finally understand why he has been behaving the way he has. 

3x20

I love everything about this scene. Not only do they both look gorgeous, but it’s so sweet, tender, romantic, sentimental, reminiscent and pure. It’s two people that have a complex history, that have been through hell and ripped apart, coming back together and falling in love all over again. You can sense how nervous and giddy they are and how taken they are by each other. There’s a clear spark and for tonight they can forget about all of the crap they’ve been through and enjoy being together. They compliment each other, Stefan gives her a token of his love and they have a little bit of banter with the whole “Some guy I dated said it once or twice” and don’t even get me started at the way they look at each other in this scene. Definition of heart eyes.

4x01

This scene encompasses everything I love about Stefan and Elena. Elena is about to die, but she’s so selfless and loves Stefan so much that she wants to give him hope that they could find a way to save her without her having to complete the transition. They can’t even see each other, but the power of their words is what makes this scene. Elena loves Stefan so much that she died making her way back to him and right here she’s telling him that she doesn’t regret that because she loves him so much and it will always be the best choice she’s ever made. You really can’t get more true love than that.

2x11

There are three words of dialogue in this scene “Elena, hey” and “Hi”, yet this scene is so bloody powerful. The sheer relief in Elena’s face and the way she throws herself into Stefan’s arms, how he holds her close and breathes her in, the way they cup each others faces and gaze at each other so adoringly. You can see in that one look that they are each others light, they actually glow. Their kiss is passionate and filled with emotion, the way they collapse onto the bed and the perspective shifts so that we’re looking in through the window at this private moment as Elena constantly pulls Stefan closer and they kiss more fiercely. I honestly love this entire scene and will never get tired of it.

2x05

Once again, this scene is one of those that encompasses everything I love about Stefan and Elena. They’re a team and they’re united. Elena knows better than anyone the struggles Stefan has with his bloodlust and she also knows that he needs his strength now more than ever. And she trusts him and is devoted to him so much that she willingly offers him her blood. Blood sharing, as we all know, is intimate and personal and it binds them together in an extremely profound way. Her simple statement, “It’s you and me, Stefan. Always” is the perfect dialogue for this specific moment because it’s the two of them becoming one. After Stefan has feed from her, the way Elena looks at his vampire face and how she leans in to kiss him, completely accepting and showing him how much she loves him. It gives me all the feels. 

2x18

This is one of the most underrated Stelena scenes and I love it so much. After everything they go through in season 3 this is a completely honest and unfiltered conversation where they finally say all of the things they’ve been wanting and needing to say. I just love that dialogue “I never stopped loving you”, “I know that. I know you didn’t, even though I did everything possible to push you away”. It’s so honest and it’s so simple but effective. And I think it’s so powerful that Stefan is so attuned to Elena and so sure of their love that he doesn’t even doubt that she loves him. He knows that she loves him and he never stopped, but he admits that he also knows he has done so much wrong and that he probably isn’t deserving of that love. I also love that he isn’t afraid to confront her about Damon and acknowledge her feelings for him. He could easily ignore it, but he doesn’t, he faces up to it but he reassures Elena that regardless of how he feels he loves her and he will always love her. It’s such a powerful and understated scene. It reaffirms how much they love each other despite everything they’ve been through and it’s not over the top or in your face, it’s real. 

I could choose so many more, but since that’s 6, I’ll leave it there. 

[fortunate-frisk]

name: fortune/frisk

age: 16 years old

pronouns: she/they

likes: sleeping, chocolates, warm places, crystals and rocks, naps, tarot reading, coffee, fireflies.

dislikes: loud noises, vines, puppets, cold places, bitter food, tea, bodies of water, technology.

fortune is the last child to fall into the underground and belonged to a group of nomadic travelling seers, distant from modern human society. they fell into a strange, concealed entrance in the middle of a lake, landing in a cavern with a pond and glowing trees all around, only carrying their hair bow and the crystal ball they always had with them. the underground is familiar to them, as they had seen it in their visions of the future in the crystal ball. they are the opposite to fate/chara in that they believe in finding fortune and saving the underground as opposed to fate's ideal of linear time and predetermined planning. while not completely aware of the varying timelines, they realise their visions contain inconsistencies that can't be explained.

they see certain glimpses of events to come and do what is right for everyone, even if it means it hurts or inconviniences themselves in the process. they ultimately wish to use their visions to help free both the children and monsters, trying to find a way to do so. they do their best to steer fate and asriel in the right direction alongside their mother figure toriel, and stay away from fighting if necessary, a pacifist at heart. they are soft and caring, a voice of reason and peace within the group of children.

[waternymphwrites]

Acne in The Face of Neoliberalism

Skin conditions such as acne, psoriasis, eczema and dermatitis have been profited off by the beauty industry where a market of products that aim to change the skins texture and appearance have been created. To encourage everyone to aspire/achieve the white westernised standards of beauty. Of white, smooth and blemish free skin. And, if you fall anything outside of this you well.. aren’t beautiful. Ana Sofia Elias produced a book in 2017 called “Aesthetic Labour: Beauty Politics in Neoliberalism”. Reading it had me screaming, “yes louder for the people at the back!” It also made me realise my acne is just acne. It’s not offensive. It’s not dirty. It’s not harmful. Unfortunately, society so heavily brainwashed by beauty standards made me believe otherwise.

I have been living with cystic, hormonal acne since the age of 19. The physical pain of cysts and scabs has been nothing compared to the mental torture I have endured functioning in a society with a skin condition that does not align with beauty standards. Feelings of embarrassment and shame. Feeling ‘dirty’ or lazy when people offer unsolicited advice of, “just wash your face” and “don’t eat junk food”. When your face has been scrubbed raw and you’ve tried every diet under the sun.

I felt heard in the readings statement, “women’s appearance are under constant (magnified) surveillance.” Dating, working, attending university and upholding a social life was, for a while, very distressing. I work with young children, and it was anxiety inducing when the curious creatures would ask, “What is on your face?”. Taking my make up off when hanging with friends. Or having benzac bleach the the pillowcase of a date was something that made me squirm with a desire to explain myself to them. As to why I have acne. As an adult. As a woman.

The idea of ‘aesthetic labour’ in relation to beauty politics is not only the hundreds of dollars we fork out to spend on skin care products promising all kinds of magic. But the physical and time consuming labour we perform as the ‘self-transformation narrative to change our skin to fit the ideal standards of beauty. The countless hours washing, scrubbing, moisturising, whitening and treating. The emotional labour performed in explaining ourselves to others, researching remedies and seeking autonomy outside our skin.

In her work Elias states, “recent feminist research has argued that women, and young women in particular, are increasingly positioned as ideal neo-liberal subjects.” And how wildly true this is. It’s disturbing just how flippantly the beauty industry takes advantage of this. Of young girls. I mean, Proactive (aka bleach) went as far as marketing their products with Justin Bieber for goodness sake. The rise of social media has no doubt influenced our positions as neo-liberal subjects tenfold. I will be the first to admit to buying products because I saw them advertised on Instagram. Cerave and The Ordinary- I’m looking at you.

It’s not only serums and creams that are promoted but culturally appropriated regimes and products like turmeric facemasks, jade rolling and Guasha which are practices of traditional Chinese medicine. The cultural appropriation of these practices is disturbing. How bizarre, trying to influence westernised beauty standards through the use of Asian practice.

There are some really great skin positive pages on the ‘gram that aim to normalise skin conditions and attempt to boycott the market of skin products. @freethepimple is a great start.

I unfortunately (perhaps even fortunately) am not a candidate for the drug of Accutane. And, my heart goes out to anyone that was, or is, on it. (And all your missing chapsticks - if you know, you know.) Accutane is a whole other bag of beans. The product I use now is to only soothe/repair inflamed and broken skin. To treat the pain rather than to target acne as a visual inconvinience. These products don’t have aesthetically pleasing packaging that I would promote on Instagram and smell slightly like a doctor’s waiting room.

If you are living with skin conditions like acne. I hear you and I see you. Your skin is not dirty. The market is. Save your money.

Ana Elias, Rosalind Gill and Christina Scharff (eds.) (2017)

Aesthetic Labour: Rethinking

Beauty Politics in Neoliberalism. Palgrave Macmillan, 3-49.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/nov/19/sponsors-socialism-return-instagram-star-essena-oneill

https://www.wearyourvoicemag.com/white-people-chinese-medicine/

https://www.proactiv.com/

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/medicines/brand/amt,3266011000036100/roaccutane

[justiceleaque]

listen i NEED to know your opinion even though i know the canon basis for the answer to this question BUT STILL,, do you agree that dick grayson is bruce wayne's fav? like fav kid or fav person or whatever, however you take it

listen, i’m being asked this question constantly, and decades down the line, in the year 3054 when people will have their holo-computer/ipad hybrids to read about dark sour onions seeking justice, this question will very likely continue being asked. maybe not to me, maybe to some very distant descendant who’ll predictably spend their days online rather than air-roller skating at some fancy air-roller skating… park… place…., like all the cool kids of 3054 will clearly do. but it will be asked. the answer is a lot more technical than most of you expect, so let’s lay some foundation first

i’ll start with: bruce wayne loves his family. no, he doesn’t just deeply care for his family, he very genuinely loves them. every time a member has died or come close to grave danger, bruce has immediately entered a depressive, self-destructive and/or nearly homicidal state. what’s worth noting here? it isn’t an involuntarily, dissociative-like episode his grief and pain cause him to enter. he very consciously chooses to flip the switch, shut everything else down, and obsessively put all his energy towards the fallen member. with the exception of great harm possibly threatening the rest of the living family, he will NOT try to help those around him and avert any following catastrophy, being aware that entails a death toll of innocents. his love for the rest of the family is calculated, nearly obsessive, and can be (has been) destructive. he just knows how to utilize it the rest of the time

dick grayson was the first robin, the first son, the first protégé but believe me when i say, that doesn’t matter. it doesn’t matter he was the first, it doesn’t matter he paved the path for badly designed red, green and yellow suits. he could’ve been the last in the robin line, the last son, the last soldier, the last everything, and he’d still hold insane importance over everyone else, both to bruce on a personal level but to the batman mythos as a whole too

i don’t know how many readers realize how very literal dick’s metaphorical placeholder role in the batman comics is. he’s as much of a symbol as a fictional entity can get without being put on a pedestal and turnt into some kind of higher being or a god, but still functioning as a malleable character able to exist and act inside the present story. how? here: bruce wayne loses his parents at a young age, is emotionally scarred, in turn becomes an emotionally scarred superhero. dick grayson loses his parents at a young age, is emotionally scarred, mends himself, in turn becomes a superhero. in bruce’s mind, his ideal future isn’t one where the waynes never get gunned down but live to see their son grow up into a completely normal adult. bruce’s perfect life, no matter how much he may very possibly not downright admit it to himself, is having dealt with the pain of losing two parents, healthily, fully, no corners cut, and then moving on to becoming batman because he knows he has the ability to protect. not to avenge, not to hide, not to pretend he has things under control when he’s drowning

many, many people think that a healthy bruce wayne means no batman, but i’m entirely convinced that a healthy bruce wayne, with where comics have brought us after eight decades, means a batman that knows how to deal with his grief in a human way, instead of becoming a machine able to statically, statistically, and coldly take care of any inconviniences the grief may or may not cause. dick grayson is human, dick grayson deals with his emotions, dick grayson may sometimes drown in how he feels but at the end of the day is able to acknowledge he’s supposed to swim his way out instead of staying in one place, sinking, reaching the bottom of the ocean and pretending that since his feet are finally touching the ground, his head must be above nose level

bruce knows dick encompasses his ideal self to the fullest, all the more including batman in the picture and not having to get rid of that side. so in that sense, in that technical sense where actual love between family members isn’t the question, yes. dick grayson is bruce wayne’s favorite because dick grayson is what a healthy bruce wayne still being able to operate as batman could be. and bruce? bruce will never be that

[the-mayor-of-space]

Do all thirty of those identity things have fun

do you have a creed?you bet your ass i’ll have fun

if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to? - uhhhhh fuckiinnnnn.... off the top of my head, im sure im missing a lot of important stuff here: listen to hawaii part 2, dinosaurchestra through to spirit phone of the lemon demon discography, and a bunch of miscellanious game music / siIvagunner. and just like have a base understanding of what vaporwave is about. probably you could get a pretty good sense for what im like by going through several hundred pages of this blog honestly. also if youve ever [media appropriate verb]ed anything where theres a theme of alternate timelines and resets and all that. lots of stuff has that kind of stuff going on recently. rick and morty, pokemon, hs, ut, you name it. also also, the story of the hollows from dark souls and the themes it brings up speaks to me on some level, so theres that.

have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who? - no i dont think so. i dont really do a lot of reading anymore, even though i used to be captain books when i was younger. 

list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with. - god this is a good question but the way its worded just doesnt jive with me. its so 2013 tumblr you know? that being said the more i think about this the less of an answer i have. sorry thats boring and not giving an answer defeats the whole point of the ask.

do you like your name?  is there another name you think would fit you better? - i guess. i mean its alright, im not really sure what i would rename myself to if it was up to me to choose. i like that you guys all call me “mayor” here though. obviously that doesnt work outside of the internet but like you know. 

do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do? - instead of adressing the stupid jumble of words masquerading as a deep question, im gonna take this opportunity to express my worry that my answers to these asks might just be a bunch of inane, barely legible rambling. if nothing else im sorry that my formatting is shit. in response to that second question though, yeah sure i guess. dont we all?

are you religious/spiritual? - pffffft no no no.

do you care about your ethnicity? - not particularly, although i realize that the fact that that’s my answer is a luxury in and of itself 

what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime? - like i get that technically its not a wrong usage, but “lifetime” feels like its implying that im way older than i am and also that im dying. anyways. neil cicierega, recently at least. although im well aware that connecting to someones music is different than knowing them as a person, its a lot more interpretive than just actually getting to know someone.

are you an artist? - debatably.

do you have a creed? - nope.

describe your ideal day. - its foggy and raining outside, me and my lover are curled up in bed with food and computers. maybe we go out and take a walk, mostly we just spend the whole day together. mayb we’re having conversations that arent as deep as we think they are. maybe we’re playing games. doesnt really matter. we’re together.

dog person or cat person? - cats. arent you guys happy when my answer to something isnt three run-on sentences worth of esoteric thought?

inside or outdoors? - indoors. i just realized that you can say “side” or “doors” for both of those words and it means the same thing either way. thats kind of interesting isnt it?

are you a musician? - nope. i like the idea of being one, but i dont think i have whatever it is it takes to be one. a bunch of my coworkers assumed i was though, so thats something. must have been my hair.

five most influential books over your lifetime. - uhhhhh

if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same? - theres probably a preppier version of me out there in an alt timeline? idk. i wish someone got me to learn how to code earlier, thats relevant to my interests and actually useful going into the 21st century. as it stands im just starting out now, shit at it, and beating myself up over the fact that im not that good at it despite the fact that sitting on my computer all day is just what i do. its a small event if i bother going anywhere.

would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”? - ehh? idk. nobody is exactly the same in all contexts, the situation you’re in influences how you’ll act, that doesnt mean one of them is more of the “real you” than any of the others, theyre all facets of one person. god that was pretentious and psuedo-intellectual. the point im getting at is “yeah sure.”

what’s your patronus? - i took a test online and it gave me a hare. so there you go. i wouldve assumed some kind of bird but w/e.

which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle? - i took a test for this too and it said slytherin. now im having a small crisis over whether or not im an edgy boy.

would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else? - the pokemon world is pretty idyllic all things considered, lets go with that. 

do you love easily? - nope. i crush easily though. though for what its worth, i can always tell its not real love, so i never wind up acting on it. mostly im just constantly lowkey sad that i cant find anyone to have a long term relationship with. how the fuck do you become close to someone.

list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order. - christ dude idk i dont have stats for this shit

how often would you want to see your family every year? - .3 times a year sounds good to me. i’d settle for .5

have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone? - no. what does that even mean. 

could you live as a hermit? - “could” i? i think you mean “do”. and yes.

how would you describe your gender/sexuality? - captain privellege. the downside though is i dont know even one straight woman, so ive got nobody to fall in love with. real inconvinience this is. not much anybody could do about it.

do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”? - i’ll spare you guys another ramble a la question 17. my point would be “yeah sure i guess”

on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin? - depends on the person, if im not already predisposed to liking you its probably like a 4. none of you people reading this will probably have to worry about it though, id assume if youre the kind of person who would send an ask or message me youre also probably the kind of person i like, so dont feel scared of bothering me. i’ll be pretty clear if you are. [which you won’t be]

three songs that you connect with right now. - i alays have so much less to say about music than i think i will. borns - electric love, mystery skulls - get it together, hotline miami ost - daisuke

pick one of your favorite quotes.- guys i want you all to know how much i hate that quotes are one of those things that immediately drain out of your mind as soon as youre asked to recall one. theyre like jokes. im gonna default to my usual boring answer of morty’s “nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody’s gonna die” speech to summer. i wish i could come up with something better for that though, im not feeling that nihilistic right now.

lemme use a couple more fuckin commas here, just sprinkle some in there,

,,,,, ,, ,,, ,,,,, , , , , , , ,,,,  ,, , , , , , , ,, , ,,,,,,, ,, ,,, ,,,,,,, ,,, , , ,, ,

[magic-can]

🙃

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i actually commend him today. a legitimate issue between us is the fact that the weed we have ends up being shared between us but no one knows who smokes what amount or when and its just like stoners arguing about a weed bag which is asinine after awhile - its your word vs theirs. but i did smoke his weed this weekend / this week. im smoking it now. to be fair, its one of the ways i help create equality - for a long time i did not get what i want, and i dont really think i am so this is something ive done but its time to mature out of it and set a better example. its a very uncouth/unclassy thing to do. he was angry this morning and reiterated thst hes told me a number of times and that this is a giant inconvinience to him and it means i have to see him etc. but i also felt like it was a very controlled response to a legitimate thing i am doing to him in some ways. it wssnt like this random outburst of emotion - it felt much more straightforward and i feel that there were things he had to take into account - the fact that i do buy weed and it gets mixed in with his. or the fact ive given him 40$+ since the beginning of may and have paid for a nunber of things. the fact i continually offer him money or weed replacement. he repeated thst it was an inconvinience and that he didnt want to worry about it so stop smoking it. and fine - this time it feels different because hes not adding on "but i dont really care about it" - or watching as i smoke it and saying nothing. i can even appreciate that this comes at a time when im more likely to be able to afford my own in the future. which is why i dont believe its a huge issue to just pay it back. i told him i could just drop it off in the mailbox - which honestlt is more convinient for me because after three days of sitting st his house in the evening, im actually ready to just chill at home. or do other things. i appreciate that he used his time on projects and that i downloaded a dozen movies - the fact i have them honestly settles my anxiety because i know i dont have a lot of options. today is a studio day at the gallery, i have a cleaning job i feel well eniugh for out of the city and i havent seen our mutual friend since the weekend. i also promised to have drinks with another friend if she needed it. so i was naturally inclined to be distracted by things not involving him to begin with and taking a walk up to his house in the evening is just nice to enjoy the weather and go for a walk, or maybe get a drive from our mutual friend. what i dont appreciate about him is that he. reates these scenarios as giant ones that are end of his world. its an exaggeration thats really unnecessary but i know its becsuse alot of people have taken advantage of him. so ive always tried to give to the best of my abilities if i choose to take from him more than he is giving willingly. instead of dragging it out - i apologized. he told me sorry was not much because i did it anyways and continue doing it. i told him the only thing i can do is apologize and bring him back something in return, which could be done casually and without fanfare. it shouldnt be unusual to say something like, " oh will you be home? should i drop it off somewhere? ". he decided to drive me home before getting ready for work which i also appreciate because it meant that he was choosing to end the conversation without making a huge scene. it wasnt leading to this is break uo im not seeing u fuck u etc. it didnt include this so to me it felt like it was actually serious. like i could take this at face value and accept it as is and any further consequences from it. he just choose to end it. and our car ride was silent, which was fine - theres nothing else to say. i understand i did a thing that bothers him on legitimate levels and i can only be sorry for it and pay back whats owed. its very basic. but what i also appreciated was that when we got to my place i told him that i was sorry i continued to smoke his weed and i was sorry he was angry; not in a condescending way but just an apology that an action of mine caused him to feel anger in the day and that i would drop off weed in his mailbox tonight; he just needed to trust that i would pay him back. he said alright, give me a kiss, i have to go. which is very.. amazing. as we drove i kind of apologized to nyself that i was involved in an anxiety provoking situation in the morning and that i was causing harm to the success of my day but it wasnt the worst thing. so to end it on a peaceful note instead of no fuck u i dont want it i dont want to see you... im really grateful. i might even write a note with my drop off and like.. applaud him for making an effort not to be sooo... like he hss been. i dont know, this was very easily an opening for him to be like fuck it im done this is the last time its not worth it we just went through this. but he let it be and he wanted to trust in some ways that id pay him back and i wasnt ungrateful and i wasnt trying to take advantage of him and not acknowledge what i was taking. i am not an enemy. and after such a battle where nothing has been spoken about it since or ever came to a real conclusion.. its truly amazing this is how we are operating. i dont feel negativity. there are certain things i need to do in life anyways and i feel like by him not exagggerating this to a "break up" and dragging in all these random delusions of how i act and what we are that its actually taking seriously the probability of us remaining together. and if we are remaining together then this is not okay. temoorarily? whatever, minor expense. long term? not okay. and just this like little bit makes me feel better about things because i came to realize that there is absolutely no trust with him. he has also been hurt so many times that he operates at full protection mode all the time. when i said thst he hsd to trust id pay him back, as the words came out i realized they carried a heaviness. he did not trust i would pay him back. he did not trust that i wasnt taking sdvantage of him or trying to take up all his time. but ive never done this. to get here, its taken consistency. despite my overall instability, i am probably the most consistent thing in his life right now besides his mother. and my reactions have remained consistent and i really do want to control my habit at that level and stop smoking it now. i am truly amazed. i think after the last bit and the fact no one is talking about it made him realize hes here to stay. its "not a relationship" is now a joke, a funny belief of the past. it is love because i stood and took your abuse; not purposeful abuse, but being side swiped by an inability to control themselves. and i think hes smsrt enough to know that we are equals. he has had to carry me and stand thriugh and put up with anxiety because of me and i have done the same for him in times that are mentally very hard and even physically hard. i think its easy to say this is my boyfriend. this is my girlfriend. this is a relationship. but what does that even mean? my partner in life. to me, for the first time as an adult, i believe this might be setting ground work for a defining relationship in my life that is so enormous in what it could be that it simply cannot be done in fast forward. to be fair, i actuslly dont reallllyyy want to live with him right now. the comfort and safety of being able to leave when hes unbareable is so much better than being stuck. but what if that changes? what if his methods of expression become bareable? ive never seen someone grow. to make choices above the base one. but i know it happens. and to see this choice is inspiring and makes me want to make better choices. i feel about as bad for smoking his weed as he does for all the times he told me this isnt a relationship. i dont have guilt, unfortunately. i doubt he does either. but it can stop. on both sides it can stop and once it does, it doesnt need to be discussed or held on to. im hoping to watch a movie & get ready for my cleaning job but im 95% thsre - 5% wants to stay home and sleep but i want to atleast try to live my idealized version of the day becsuse i was given an idealized resolution this morning.

[j-music-confessions]

SOME OF DIR EN GREY'S SONGS LIKE THE FINAL, VANITAS AND INCONVENIENT IDEAL MAKE ME CRY OUT LOUD.