#tw: internalised homophobia

[backyardflames]

Thinky thoughts about Carter and Hollyoaks conversion therapy story

The ‘not quite’ parallels of Lucas and Carter’s stories regarding the conversion therapy storyline interest me the most. 

Carter is around 40; we know he’s been battling things since his early teens. He grew up in a religious family with a religious father. He was active in his church back then (as he is now). He tells JP that when he realised he had feelings for the boy in his year, he remembered that the bible says it’s wrong to lay with another man, so he tried to get answers by praying. When he got none, he told his dad. He had no one else he could talk to about his feelings except his homophobic father, who told him he wasn’t in love and that the devil was working on him and made him feel ashamed every day. He went through conversion therapy at a young age because he had no support and has been stuck in that traumatised state ever since.

Lucas is the other side of the coin. His father is gay, and he has grown up surrounded by members of the queer community. He has the support of parents, friends, and family. He is growing up in a time when it’s much safer to be gay than in the period in which Carter grew up. Carter’s shame was forced upon him from all angles, but Lucas’s is so far unexplored and internalised, so I’m interested in seeing its root.

I hope that as they explore this story with Lucas, they don’t lose sight of the fact that Carter was mentally abused to the point where he’s repressed himself for 25+ years. It’s impacted his relationship with his daughter, destroying any chance at happiness and a sense of comfort or safety. That kind of abuse doesn’t suddenly turn itself off at the flick of a switch. He can’t simply decide to be out, happy, and accepting of himself because his brain has been trained to work differently for decades.

That’s why he does the conversion therapy - he was told he was being saved by someone he loved and trusted and now he truly believes he’s helping/saving people as he has been ‘saved’. Although JP has obviously cracked that shell and caused him to doubt everything. 

Interested to hear anyone elses thoughts on this, assuming anyone else is watching? The tag on here is dead. I'm used to a much busier EE tag :(

[mamuzzy]

I saw you had “Buir” as a title for the WIP Game and just need to know what you have planned for that!

Hey, Anon, thank you for the ask! Here is my WIP fic for 3. Buir. It's rather short, currently it is only a converstation starter between Ordo and Kal from Republic Commando. The story itself is quite angsty, hurt/no comfort and about coming out as gay in front of a parent. TW: homophobia - as in Kal is a traditionalist dad and while I haven't got to the scene yet where actual things were said out loud, his reaction to Ordo's coming out won't be pleasant once I have the stomach to put it in words. TW: Internalised homophobia - Ordo is convinced that he is a horrible person for loving men.

------------------------- “Buir? Can we talk?”

“Come here, Ord’ika, what’s wrong? What happened?” “I…”

Ordo hated this feeling. The feeling of being vulnerable, the feeling that everytime he talked with Kal with problems not related to the GAR or their goals regarding his brothers, he felt his entire body shrink into that cadet he used to be, being thrown into the deep waters of the unknown. Never been in a situation like this before. He never was in a situation to keep secrets from Kal’Buir to begin with. “I… I have to tell you something.”

“Yes?”

Gut-wrenching sensation Kal felt while looking at his boy so guiltridden, shoulders shamefully lowered and tried to huddle himself so tiny as if Ordo wasn’t taller or broader than him.

--------------- The story is inspired by my own experience with growing up in a military family and coming out - not by choice. Not in a way I wanted.

I haven't touched it since, continuing would mean I actually have to antagonise one of his brothers and that is something I can't stomach right now. But maybe sometimes when I'm ready to break my favorite fictional dad's heart...

[headcanonsandmore]

'Prisoners Of The Snake'

Summary: Tegan Jovanka is attempting to assure herself that the dream the Mara sent her of Nyssa was entirely platonic and heterosexual. Luckily for her, Ace and Yaz aren't nearly as oblivious as Tegan herself is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Read on AO3.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘And then Nyssa was just standing there! Smiling at me! And -wait, did I mention she looked about my age? Well, she did. Anyway, then she hugged me and I honestly felt like I was gonna start crying. She was talking about how long it had been, and so was I and…’

Ace McShane watched as Tegan continued to babble -mostly to herself- whilst walking back and forth around the kitchen.

The Australian had texted Ace that morning, demanding that she come over to talk about something urgent. Since arriving at Tegan’s house -with a bewildered Yaz in tow- Ace hadn’t gotten a word in edgeways. Tegan had simply shoved a mug of coffee into both Ace’s and Yaz’s hands, directed them towards stools at the kitchen island, and began chuntering to herself.

That had been about ten minutes ago, and the Australian seemed to have half-forgotten that Ace and Yaz were even there. Tegan was animatedly throwing her hands around, as if reliving the entire dream to herself.

‘Did I mention the weird lights from the circus? I dunno what the Mara was doing, but both me and Nyssa were bathed in pink-and-purple lights. That was strange. And Nyssa had her arm around me, and I had mine around her, and we were talking about second chances and travelling again and…’

Ace took a sip of coffee, bemusedly watching her friend continue to rabbit on and on. On the seat next to her, Yaz was making a concerted effort not to raise her eyebrows too high.

‘Anyway, the Mara’s tried to do this sort of thing before. It’s just that this dream was especially vivid. I haven’t had a dream from the Mara this strong in decades. Not since I was on the TARDIS, really. But I did think it was weird that this would happen within a year of all that stuff happening with the Master. I mean, that could be the link. More time and space stuff may have caused the Mara to resurface in my mind, get through some sort of crack so they could create this dream…’

On the rare occasions that Tegan had mentioned Nyssa, Ace had always gotten the impression that the Australians feelings for the Trakenite she had shared a room with aboard the TARDIS were… well…

‘And then Nyssa’s voice was speaking in my head! She was saying that, in another universe, the two of us were together and that I should find her. Now, I always knew that was my deepest desire, but I didn’t think the Mara would be able to replicate Nyssa’s voice so well. I suppose seeing the TARDIS again last year brought back a lot of memories to the surface.’

Tegan finally turned to the two women in her kitchen, as if expecting them both to nod in understanding.

It was at that moment that Ace and Yaz exchanged a glance, and a look passed between them in mutual agreement of what needed to now happen. Ace nodded to the young Yorkshirewoman, who turned to face Tegan.

‘So… you love her, right?’

Tegan dropped her mug onto the kitchen island. The Australian’s mouth opened and closed several times, seemingly oblivious to the small pool of tea that was slowly dispersing out of her upturned mug.

‘I-what- you’re- what-’

Ace sighed, placing her own mug softly onto the island, and pulling the roll of kitchen roll towards her to clean up Tegan’s mess.

‘Tee,’ she said, as gently as she could. ‘Just to be clear; you had a dream where the Mara -some sort of eldritch supernatural being- gave you your deepest desire. Your desire was to be reunited and then together with your friend. A friend that you haven’t seen in forty years. During this dream, you and said-friend were bathed in sapphic lighting and had your arms around each other. Now -I’ve never been heterosexual so bare with me- but I’m pretty sure most heterosexual women don’t have that as their deepest desire.’

Tegan stared at her, blinking in confusion.

‘Tegan…’ -Ace reached forward and squeezed her friends hand- ‘It may just be possible that you were -and are- in love with Nyssa.’

Tegan Jovanka was unusually silent, as the realisation swept over her. Ace could practically hear Tegan’s brain connecting the dots of a lifetime spent unaware of her own feelings.

‘Tegan,’ Yaz said, softly. ‘I… I know what it’s like to have that feelin’ of loss for someone you loved. That you still love. It’s… well, I don’t think that’s the sort of platonic love that someone normally has for a friend. It’s… different.’

Ace removed her hand from Tegan’s. Slowly, the Australian put her face in her palms, letting out a long, deep sigh. It sounded not so much shocked as… relieved, as if several decades worth of confusion had finally been removed from her shoulders.

‘Tegan?’

Tegan slowly looked up. Ace and Yaz moved to sat on either side of her.  

‘We’re here for you, mate.’ Ace said, placing her hand on Tegan’s shoulder and giving a gentle squeeze. ‘You’re not alone.’

Yaz nodded, in agreement.

‘Definitely not the only queer women to ever be in the TARDIS, that’s for sure.’

Tegan chuckled.

‘I mean,’ Ace elaborated. ‘It definitely explains why you have two ex-husbands-’

‘Ace!’ Tegan laughed. ‘They weren’t that bad!’

‘I’m sure they weren’t. It’s just that they weren’t the right person for you. Given what you’ve said, it might well be that no man was the right person for you.’

‘So… I’m a lesbian?’

‘Whatever label you prefer,’ Ace said.

Tegan smiled.

*

It was a week later, and Nyssa of Traken was sat in Tegan’s kitchen.

The younger woman was perched on one of the stools surrounding the kitchen island, a mug of tea in her hand. Tegan was on the stool next to her, trying to hold in most of her shock so as not to alarm the Trakenite.

During the last meeting of the support group, Kate Stewart had turned up, saying that an old friend of the Doctors had teleported directly into Heathrow Airport. Nyssa had then walked into the room.

Her bushy hair was much the same as it had been all those years ago, although -much like Tegan- there was some greying of the hairs and a few wrinkles around the eyes and neck. She was, of course, even more beautiful than ever. Because that was what Tegan had always thought, only she hadn’t properly realised that at the time.

Now, though? It was a different story.

Tegan nodded, as Nyssa continued to talk about her time working on Terminus, and of her adoption of her two children. Tegan had been surprised that Nyssa’s son was called “Adric”, but she found it oddly fitting, even though she’d never met the young man who now bore the name of the boy Tegan and Nyssa had both known over four decades ago.

‘How are your family?’ Nyssa asked, before taking a quick sip from her mug and swallowing. ‘Any… partners?’

Tegan bit back a chuckle.

‘No, although I have two ex-husbands.’

Nyssa’s eyes widened.

‘I… I see.’

‘I don’t think you do,’ Tegan said, softly. She took a steadying breath. ‘Nys… you remember how we bumped into that ex-boyfriend of mine in Amsterdam?’

Nyssa’s face briefly took on a look of irritation, as if annoyed by the memory, before it returned to its normal calm state.

‘Vividly, yes.’

‘Well… you know how I said I felt I couldn’t ever really… “love” him?’

Nyssa nodded, slowly, as if unsure where Tegan was going with this.

‘Turns out I… I don’t like men. I’m… I’m a lesbian.’

Nyssa blinked.

‘Er… I’m not familiar with that term. What does it mean?’

‘It’s an earth phrase,’ Tegan explained. ‘Sorry; I should have remembered that it probably doesn’t translate. It mean… well, it means I like women. Romantically and… in other ways, too.’

‘O-oh.’

‘Yeah.’

Nyssa was silent for a moment and then, as if after thinking on it for a moment, spoke again.

‘So… did you realise this after your second ex-husband, then?’

Tegan chuckled once more.

‘No. Weirdly enough… you remember the Mara?’

Nyssa nodded, looking worried.

‘Of course,’ -she reached out and squeezed Tegan’s hand- ‘Tegan, did the Mara attack you again? Are you alright?’

‘I’m fine,’ Tegan said, squeezing the Trakenite’s hand in return. ‘The Mara created a dream for me, you see. And… well, I figured that most women who like men don’t have being together with another woman as their deepest desire.’

‘I… I see,’ Nyssa said. ‘Well, I’m happy for you, Tegan. It must be wonderful to finally discover that part of yourself.’

‘It’s… yeah, pretty wonderful,’ Tegan said, finding herself unable to let go of Nyssa’s hand.

The two women shared a shy smile. Nyssa’s cheeks had turned slightly pink, and Tegan was sure that her own heartbeat was increased. Their faces were barely a few inches apart now, and Tegan could practically hear Nyssa’s heartbeat through their linked fingers.

‘Tegan, I… I could be incorrect here, but did this dream… perhaps illuminate some other things for you? Just hypothetically speaking?’

Tegan swallowed, and then took a deep breath, trying to regulate her breathing. Was… was Nyssa guessing what Tegan thought she was guessing? Tegan had assumed that her obliviously one-sided feelings for Nyssa hadn’t been obvious, but… well, maybe she could have still been obvious despite not really recognising her own feelings at the time?

‘Nyssa…’ Tegan said, slowly. ‘I-’

Hssss…

Tegan and Nyssa startled, looking around them.

A shadow on the wall appeared. It twisted, into the form of a snake. A horrible, twisting snake. Eyes widening, Tegan watched in horror as the shadow moved away from the wall, growing closer.

Tegan Jovanka… I know your heart…

The two women both jumped to their feet.

‘The Mara!’ Nyssa gasped, horrified. ‘What are you doing here? How dare you continue to hurt Tegan like this?’

The shadow gave a deep and horrible laugh.

Oh but I do dare… the Mara rasped. I know your deepest desire, Tegan Jovanka… And now…

‘You didn’t cause this!’ Tegan spat.

The Mara opened its mouth and pounced.

‘No!’

Nyssa threw herself inbetween Tegan and the jumping shadow.

Ooh… the Trakenite… you always did like her, didn’t you, Tegan…

Nyssa began ingulfed in black shadow, her head barely sticking out of the top. The shadows were swirling, as if storm clouds, around the younger woman. Tegan looked on in horror, feeling her heart beat horribly against her chest. No, she was not going to lose Nyssa again after finally getting her back after so long!

‘Nyssa!’

The Trakenite’s head was already becoming covered by the shadow.

‘Tegan; run!’

‘I’m not leaving you!’

The Mara gave another horrible laugh, and Nyssa’s face became obscured by shadow.

‘Let her go!’ Tegan exclaimed, stepping forward. ‘You will not hurt Nyssa anymore!’

You cannot defeat me, Tegan Jovanka… the snake rasped. You never could…

‘Can and will!’

Tegan thrust forward her hand, straight into the smoky column surrounding Nyssa. The Mara seemed to recoil.

What? the snake exclaimed. How can this be?

‘You can’t hurt me anymore!’ Tegan exclaimed, grabbing hold of Nyssa’s arm as the snake recoiled away from her touch. ‘And I will not let you hurt Nyssa!’

Nyssa’s face appeared from behind the shadow, and Tegan saw the fear in the Trakenite’s eyes.

‘Tegan… help me…’

Tegan reached forward, and pulled Nyssa towards her. The younger woman slipped slightly out of the shadows, with the Mara barely managing to maintain its hold around her.

‘I… I love you, Nyssa,’ Tegan said. ‘I always have.’

‘I… I love you, too, Tegan.’

Tegan cupped her hands around Nyssa’s cheeks and pressed a kiss to her lips.

There was an explosion of noise around them. It was the Mara shrieking, as if being torn asunder. With a great roar, the snake’s shadow broke apart into a million fragmented pieces.

For a second, the two women did not move, their arms around each other.

‘I… Nys, are you okay?’

Nyssa smiled, before placing a gentle kiss to Tegan’s cheek.

‘I am now, my darling. Is… is the Mara gone?’

‘I think so,’ Tegan said. ‘I refuse to let it hurt me -hurt us- anymore.’

Nyssa smiled.

‘Speaking of us,’ she said, softly squeezing Tegan’s hand. ‘I… I think we have some things to discuss.’

Tegan smiled, and pressed her lips to those of the woman she loved. Finally -finally- they had the rest of the lives to enjoy.

Together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for reading, everyone! Hope you enjoyed this; I don't know about anyone else, but I can't think of ANY heterosexual explanation for that season 20 trailer featurette. Tegan has been in love with Nyssa since she first clapped eyes on her back on Logopolis, and I refuse to accept any other explanation.

[songandflame-archived]

🎲 😳

Kiss Roulette || @leatherforhell (thank you!)

42, A Clumsy Kiss:

Fantine has cottoned on to the fact Clara has been letting her win. She's been playing along; the joy of watching Fantine claim victory amplifies the other's laughter lines and brings a spark to Clara's already beautiful eyes.

They're playing uno this time round. Every time their hands touch accidentally, Fantine wishes for it to happen again. And then there's fear— she's probably reading into this too much. Women aren't supposed to love other women, right? Not like that. But Clara laughs and Fantine's heart beats harder. Does she cause Clara to laugh like that?

It happens again, their hands finding the draw pile at the same time, but this time Fantine can't help fingers that curl around Clara's hand, stopping her in the process.

They're already close; they had seemingly shifted closer together as the game went on, but now she can feel Clara's breath against her face.

The kiss is unsure, clumsy and awkward, but she manages it. Vaguely her fingers tighten around the Clara's hand, somehow hoping she'll find acceptance and encouragement there.

When she draws back, Fantine can't help but bite her lip. Her lip which tastes like Clara's.

"... I think it's your turn to play."

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

Source: Love Shook My Heart; New Lesbian Love Stories - edited by Irene Zahava

[harveyassblog]

I just checked and I found out I had 1.3k followers. Hi. This is I think one of the first posts I’ve made on this blog in almost five years but I’m feeling down at the moment so I thought I’d reminisce.

Stardew Valley was the first game in which I romanced a male character. Yes, it was Harvey. I was eighteen years old, freshly out to myself and I was dipping my toes into the idea that I could get into a relationship with another man.

I had so much shame about it all then. I couldn’t speak, even to my queer friends about my feelings, like the words in my brain were censored before they even reached my throat. All things personal to me, all the aspects of myself felt embarrassing and wrong, fodder to be humiliated for. The thrill of a video game romance, the concept of openly wanting and being openly wanted, was exciting and mortifying.

The escapism of this imagined bucolic setting and of love and nearness to others, where being open and vulnerable is as simple as giving gifts and with a press of a button having something to say to someone. In life I struggled with my words, with relationships and being open with people. Even now talking about myself often feels like my innards are on display and I will be laughed at for it. I’m working on it.

Five years goes so fast and so slow. Forays into dating have left me hurt and confused. Coming out left some bruises. And in times of change like these, where people and friends who I wished would stay close forever have to move on and out into their lives, I think it’s easy for me to feel disheartened and stagnant. Like everyone’s caught in some big autumn but leaves me right where I’ve always been, a green leaf.

But I have changed. I came out to all the people I wanted to be out to, from whom I risked rejection. I’ve grappled with religion, with existential dread, with dating, even after I’ve been hurt. It sucks to have to go out there and meet new people and start over fresh when it feels like it takes me years to be myself around others. But those years have to start somewhere. My closest friend now I only really got to know five years ago. Who knows what five years more will look like.

I know that making a comparison between a real life concept with one that appears in a video game is sometimes seen as silly, but as this is a Stardew Valley blog it seems a fitting way to end. This is my year one again, with the sometimes cold people and the first flower dance. Even if I’m geographically in the same place, I’ll start fresh and there’ll be plenty of characters to know. One frantic day at a time.

I should learn to fish.

[the-spooky-children]

Talked about this in the tags of another post but I think I wanna talk about it on its own post:

I think hatred of Skid x Pump is rooted in internalised homophobia

Why? Well I myself used to HATE the ship (as some of you probably know), had the shippers in my DNI, everything, and my one reason was "they're kids, it's weird"

And

You know how in the shower and stuff you'll argue with yourself to boost your confidence? Well I was doing that and the "myself" I was arguing against in regard the to ship was like,

"Well, if Skid and Pump were a boy and girl instead of two boys you'd have no problem with the ship!"

And I realised

Shit

So yeah even though I'm queer as fuck apparently I had mild internalised homophobia and Spooky Month was the way I realised it

So after that I had a long think and decided that it was a stupid double standard and took Skump out of my DNI and went through my own ✨character development✨

So yeah, Skid x Pump dislikers, take a second to think if the reason you hate the ship is because they're kids or if it's because they're both boys

You might learn something about yourself

And if instead you're like "no I know for a fact I'd 100% feel the same about a het ship" then well done you passed! (/lh)

[oc-tournaments]

ROUND THREE - MATCH 3

DALO vs SALVANAN

DALO: @genericswordsmaiden

SALVANAN: @the-demoness-next-door

VOTE BASED ON THE INFORMATION BELOW CUT!!

Propaganda Content Warnings: Suicide, assault, internalised homophobia, animal death, dismemberment, alcoholism for DALO, abuse, manipulation, suicidal thoughts for SALVANAN.

DALO:

PROPAGANDA: Dalo is a ghost, she died by suicide at the age of 27, and in the world of the dead where she now resides, which is actually a purgatory of sorts, she has to endure loneliness because suicides can get corrupted - change form and become aggressive spirits - and are therefore ostracized by other ghosts. Born in an abusive family, starved during her childhood and bullied at school, Dalo develops trust issues growing up, her only friend being a pen pal, Luka, and her mentor, a man whom she only remembers as Professor. Dalo is not her real name, but a nickname that eventually erased her original name. At age 16, she gets physically assaulted by a group of guys and survives, but gets big ugly scars on her back that she tries to hide in every way she can. When she gets the chance, she travels to the city of Providence, renting an apartment with Luka. They form a band with two other characters, Mary and Sam, but soon tensions arise, mainly because they all love Sam in some way, and this puts Dalo in an uncomfortable situation because she doesn't really know how to deal with feelings. She ultimately decides to put them aside and think about how to help Luka deal with his homosexuality instead. In this period of time, which lasts about three months, another tragedy occurs: Dalo and Luka's cat, whom they treated as a son, is found killed one evening. This brings the two even closer, grief shutting them out of the world for a while. As if that wasn't enough, Sam, thinking that Luka and Dalo became a couple, marries Mary instead, breaking two hearts at once. Just when it seems like everything is slowly flowing normally again, Luka has a breakdown and asks Dalo if God can accept him as he is. The choice of words in her answer to such a cryptic question is crucial and will forever change her life, as well as ultimately end his, since he goes missing from that evening, until his body is found in a bag a week later, chopped up into pieces. The weight of the event is too much for her to bear, the guilt and pain make her turn to alcoholism. Her last choice was cold and calculated, she saw no value in a life like hers, so after months of suffering she took her own life. As a ghost, this choice hunts her, also because it made her directly linked to the main antagonist of the book, but this is a lore-heavy detail and I don't really want to delve into it. Her other big character trait is the fact that, with a life like that, she has tons of repressed anger, which all comes crashing out of her (literally) at some point in the story. Her power as a ghost is summoning chains, which symbolise both her guilt and the desperate need to be "chained to someone", to have some kind of bond with another person.

THEME SONG:

SALVANAN:

PROPAGANDA: this poor man. buckle in, you have a LONG one coming. he's very old, he's the god of plants + the earth and he's great i love him but man i have not been nice to him. so. way early in his life, he had a very sweet boyfriend named azyll along w lots of mutual friends. except oops, sal developed chronic anxiety and depression and decided that he did not think he would be good for azyll and broke it off w him. it was amicable but it still sucks. fast forward a bit, one of the friends in their circle, jekath, is being manipulated and hurt for no reason and sal knows but for magic reasons he's incapable of telling anyone, just has to watch. and then he eventually has to watch jekath finally snap under the pressure and betray them all and go evil. no bueno. so he spends a long time feeling terrible and eventually he plans to just. yknow. off himself. but oh surprise this little boy named safari shows up in his garden! and he's like well shit guess im a dad now. and he loves this little boy very much. it's good times! except when he's a teenager two of the little boy's biological brothers drop him off a cliff and nearly kill him, which is, yknow, terrifying. that's his son! his son was almost murdered! no! bueno! anyway, azyll's mortal so eventually he dies of old age, now sal's even sadder. least he's still got his other friends and safari but Man. anyway fast forward again, whole world is at war. and his two best friends, arona and morana, both die in it. but if that was not bad enough, arona was killed by jekath. you know, the old friend that was abused and eventually betrayed them all. so the friend he felt like he failed has now murdered one of his best friends. and his other best friend is ALSO dead. things are just going Great. flash forward another little while and his goddaughter's husband, sibrum, goes evil against his will too. he's known sibrum since he was a kid so now he's got ANOTHER person he felt responsible for gone evil against their will. then sibrum's daughter dies. are you seeing a pattern yet. anyway, sibrum soon kills jekath so now sal feels like he's double failed both of them and also even MORE of his original friends are dead now. so he is trying So Hard to relax! but then safari is turned into a terrible person against his will too! and because they were so so close for so so long they end up in a toxic dynamic instead of cutting each other off. sal finally figures out how to break the spell on safari and it's all Okay Now (they're both traumatized and it's definitely not okay). he gets to relax for only a brief time before his other child's son, volta, has a villain arc too. and what happens? you guessed it! sal tries to stop him and help him and he's not able to. and feels like he failed someone AGAIN. yeah this just happens over and over through the course of his life. he's so tired and sad man

THEME SONG:

[backyardflames]

So this took ages to cap, but I couldn't see if anyone else had capped it. It's a beautiful conversation and touches on the depths of trauma that conversion therapy can cause. I highly recommend people check out the storyline (on Hollyoaks - https://www.youtube.com/@hollyoaksassorted6594 - full storyline can be found there). For my Ballum moots especially if you're looking for a bit of a distraction...

[mealvaan]

Reticent

"How's the Den lately?"

Meindo shrugged half an ilm, and with it Vahri'to's star shuddered. Sure, his world had been only earthquakes as late, especially in the moons that he'd watched her volcano grow dormant and develop a crust over its maw.

Still he got up and tried again. He wasn't a scant teenager with his pants down his ankles. He was the One-Eyed fucking Royal.

"Get up to any interestin' shit over the sennend?"

Okay, so that wasn't the killer line he'd been hoping for.

"Not really," Meindo parried with ease. Maybe he'd have to pull out the big gun and let her tank it, none of this piddly small talk nonsense. The Beast had been on her mind lately.

"You hear from that b— I'a lately?" The nickname tripped off his tongue at a weird angle. Meindo noticed, as for a moment she stopped picking at her ramen with her fork...

"Nope," she said curtly.

... then she went right back to the excavation. Business as usual.

He wondered if this was how she treated Vahri'a. Lip service. Not that their self-appointed patriarch had never deserved it; he bore his teeth at any attempt to talk eye-to-eye until their conversations had been whittled down to the talking points. The first son killed any sentiment that was born after him. If Dalamud exterminated the west wing of the Shroud, then Vahri'a did the same to fun at the dinner table.

For once, Vahri'to called a ceasefire for his shots at the man's portrait on the wall. Maybe that was a bit harsh... said To, never, in defense of his older brother. But for one, they so rarely ate at a dinner table. How was he supposed to know that they were a place of conversation, not for sating his terminal hunger in pitch perfect silence?

If the Meindo he'd been dealing with all summer was the wall Vahri'a came up against, then maybe Vahri'to had been set up for success those many years prior.

Vahri'a set a skint table and needed everyone to be grateful, or it'd eat the sod up at night that he left even one of eleven other mouths wanting. So easily would the guilt corrode what little food they had, to the point that shutting the rest of them up was better than letting it in.

Vahri'to swooped in after Vahri'a raised his sister for the near epoch he was gone and plied her with buffet plates, firsthand clothes and a flock of profanities that she could barely even pronounce the first time around. Perhaps if it'd been the other way around — if Vahri'to had stayed behind in the Shroud, and Vahri'a abandoned them to pursue delusions of grandeur at the ripe of age sixteen — Vahri'to would've been the stepping stone for his brother.

It wasn't as if he hadn't been generous. That generosity had gone a long way, tee-up or not.

"Uh, I've been seein' someone lately," Vahri'to admitted, tail between literal tapping legs. How boyish he must've seemed; how stupid this olive branch felt in his hand.

Meindo's eyes flickered up at him. She slurped down her bite.

"Yeah?"

"Yep."

"What's she like?"

This was the hard part. Fang to tongue, then fang to cheek, anything to keep the game from slipping. But then no, this was meant to be a gift — a real gift, of actual gab, and if she caught a glimpse of his fang on his bottom lip then so fucking be it.

"He's pretty nice. I met him at the Platinum Mirage. He doesn't gamble none, though. He's a butler."

Meindo's eyes rounded out to blue moons. How benignly they reflected his own, that which shimmered at his own admission.

Silence settled over them like a blanket. It suffocated him no longer. He consulted the stars of her visage and understood, palpably, unmistakably, what that meant to her.

Vahri's only daughter. Yet he let her shoulder the star of it alone.

"That's cool," Meindo eventually said, running her tongue over the tiniest smile.

[headcanonsandmore]

Only Love Can Break Your Heart

Summary:  Tegan Jovanka is thinking about leaving the TARDIS again. But Tegan isn't telling Nyssa everything about why she wants to leave...

                    Read on FFN.                          Read on AO3.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘I think it’ll be nice to be back on the farm,’ Tegan said, adding a jumper to the pile of clothes in her bag. 

‘So… you’re really planning on leaving, then?’

Tegan ignored the ache in her heart that ignited the moment Nyssa had spoken. The Trakenite was stood at the end of Tegan’s bed, watching the Australian pack her things. 

For the last few weeks, Tegan had been finding it more and more difficult. She had been possessed by the Mara a second time and, now, just when she needed relaxation and calm, the TARDIS now had a new occupant; Turlough, the mysterious (and, to Tegan’s mind, deeply suspicious) young man who seemed to make a career out of looking permanently shifty. Nyssa and the Doctor seemed to trust him, but something about the ratty boy made Tegan’s skin crawl. 

Her mind permanently on edge, Tegan found herself longing for her parents farm more and more often. Her old life in Australia seemed like a world away, although she supposed it was in a literal sense as well. And now she was packing her bags, fully intending to ask the Doctor to drop her off home whenever he next could. 

‘Yeah,’ she said, not looking at the bushy-haired younger woman. ‘Like I said, it’ll be nice. Relaxing, even.’

‘Oh. Right.’

‘Problem?’

The word came out harsher than Tegan intended as she turned, and her stomach withered with guilt at the way Nyssa seemed to flinch. 

‘S-sorry,’ Tegan mumbled. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t’ve-‘ 

‘Can… can you really not stand me anymore?’

‘Nyssa!’ Tegan exclaimed, shocked. ‘How can you-’

‘It’ll be permanent this time, won’t it?’ Nyssa said, voice trembling. ‘You leaving me. Again.’

Tegan was horrified to see tears trickling down Nyssa’s cheeks. The last daughter of Traken was clearly upset. 

‘Oh, Nys…’ 

Tegan leaned forward and put her arms around the younger woman. She could feel Nyssa trembling with sobs as they sat down on the duvet. 

‘I’m sorry, Nyssa,’ Tegan whispered, into the Trakenites ear. ‘I didn’t mean it like that.’

‘T-then…’ Nyssa sobbed. ‘Then w-what did you mean it as?’

‘I… I don’t want to leave you. Definitely not permanently,’ Tegan said, quietly, as she stroked Nyssa’s back. ‘But… it’s the Mara. It’s messed up… well, I don’t feel right. I need somewhere quiet I can relax. And I can’t relax on the TARDIS. The Doctor is always bungling into danger; it’ll never be quiet around here.’

‘So… you want to go home? To Earth?’

‘I haven’t seen my parents in a while,’ Tegan said, moving her hands down Nyssa’s sides and giving her a gentle squeeze. ‘It’ll be nice to be back at the old farm; no evil schemes to contend with, no life-threatening dangers. Just me, my parents and a lot of very boring farm animals.’

‘You’re still going, though,’ Nyssa said. ‘Still leaving…. leaving me.’

‘Oh, Nys, I’m not-’

‘It’s fine,’ Nyssa said, and the teetering smile that she gave almost broke Tegan’s heart. ‘I’m… I’m used to it, you see.’

Tegan could feel tears welling up in her own eyes. It was true; Nyssa was used to it. Virtually everyone she had ever known had left her. Her mother, her father, her people, Adric…

And now Tegan was telling her that she was going too. 

‘I’m not like you or Turlough, or the Doctor,’ Nyssa said, very quietly. ‘I… I don’t have a home to go back to.’

Without thinking, Tegan cupped Nyssa’s face with her hands, stroking her tears away. 

‘Hey,’ she said, softly. ‘I’m not leaving you, Nys. Don’t ever think that.’

‘Would… would you like me to come with you?’

Tegan’s hands fell limply from Nyssa’s face, and the Australian could feel her stomach spike with anxiety. 

‘I…’ she stammered, feeling her heartrate increase unpleasantly. She could already feel her stomach beginning to turn to lead, as the familiar feeling took hold. ‘I don’t think that would be a good idea.’

‘Oh,’ Nyssa said, clearly startled by Tegan’s sudden change of mood. ‘I’m sorry, that was rude of me.’

‘No,’ Tegan said. ‘It wasn’t. It’s just… well…’

Tegan’s eyes dropped, and she found herself fiddling with a loose strand of the duvet. How could she possibly explain this to Nyssa? The younger woman was too sweet and too kind to understand the culture Tegan had grown up in. A culture that was surely very different from the kindly world of Traken. 

Nyssa’s hand came to rest on Tegan’s cheek, soft as silk. 

‘Tegan… what’s wrong?’

‘I’m… I’m ashamed.’

The words came out as barely a whisper, her voice quavering as she spoke. 

‘Ashamed?’ Nyssa repeated. ‘Whatever for?’

‘Please don’t make me say it,’ Tegan pleaded, the words barely able to escape her mouth. ‘You know why. You saw how the Mara brought things out of me… things I keep hidden…’

‘I… I don’t follow,’ Nyssa said, her voice concerned. ‘The Mara brings forth deep desires, but I don’t see what that has to do with any shame you may have…’

Tegan clenched her hands again, unable to look Nyssa in the face. 

‘The Mara…’ she said, slowly. ‘When they possessed me, I… I became obsessed with you, Nyssa. I pinned you up against a wall and talked about how much fun we would have if you stayed. And then I… I called you a nun because you didn’t… you didn’t…’

Tegan slowly stopped talking, her hands clenched into the duvet. Guilt mixed in with the shame bubbling in her stomach. 

‘Tegan, I still don’t follow-’

‘I’m in love with you.’

The words were out of Tegan’s mouth before she could stop herself. 

Who was she kidding? She had been in love with Nyssa since the moment they had met, back on Logopolis. And, every day that she had spent with Nyssa, her feelings for the woman had only gotten stronger and stronger. No wonder the Mara had discovered that about her so easily. 

Nyssa’s hand did not move from Tegan’s cheek, but the younger woman seemed to freeze slightly. 

Tegan couldn’t bare to look Nyssa in the face, sure that she would surely only see confusion and shock there. The last daughter of Traken was a kind, sweet person, so she wouldn’t be unpleasant. But Tegan was adamant that her feelings were not returned. Maybe it was better this way. Nyssa now knew why Tegan needed some time away, and Tegan wouldn’t have any doubts as to the one-sided nature of her love. It hurt, but… it was for the best. 

‘But… how can love be shameful?’

Tegan looked up. Nyssa was staring at her, eyes wide and confused. 

‘On Earth, back in my time… women loving other women isn’t… well, it’s not accepted,’ Tegan said, quietly. ‘It’s illegal; back home, I can’t get married to a woman, or even hold hands with a partner in public without fear of getting beaten up. I saw how people were like me were treated when I was growing up. My mum and dad were supportive, but they were clearly terrified that they’d find me beaten to a pulp on their front porch one day. It… it scared me, knowing how others could hate me. Like it was shameful just to be myself. That… that I was shameful.’

‘But you’re not, Tegan.’

Nyssa took Tegan’s hand, and squeezed it, softly. 

‘You’re wonderful,’ she continued. ‘You’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. Oh, Tegan, don’t you ever think that you or your love is shameful.’

‘Nyssa…’-Tegan could already feel her heart aching-‘Please don’t humour me; I-I know you don’t see me the same way-’

‘But I do,’ Nyssa said, her voice as soft and gentle as cotton.  ‘I… I love you, Tegan. How could you ever think I don’t? I’ve loved you from the moment we met.’

‘Oh, Nys…’

Tears streaking down their faces once again, the two women hugged. Eventually, their lips met in a soft, gentle kiss. It wasn’t how Tegan had hoped that a potential first kiss with Nyssa would go, but she loved it just the same. It wasn’t classic Hollywood, but it was very them. And that was the important thing.

Eventually, their lips reluctantly parted. Nyssa rested her forehead against Tegan’s. 

‘Tegan?’ she whispered.

‘Yeah?’

‘Do you think your parents will like me?’

Tegan gave a weepy laugh, squeezing Nyssa’s hands tight.

‘Nys, if they’re anything like their daughter, they’ll adore you.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for reading, everyone! I know this is a little bit angstier than what I normally publish, but I hope you liked it nonetheless!

[southern-titan]

fuck u probably have the most delicious asshole tho 😋🥵🤤 tight as anything 2 no doubt 🥵🥵🥵 do u even realise wat a fucking tease u r looking like that and not letting any guy have his way with u????? 😡🥵 god i wanna just pin u down nd rail u so fucking hard 😍🥰🥵🥵 bet u moan so fucking pretty uhggggg 🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵

Will stares blankly at you for a moment, redness coming to his face. Unfortunately his blank expression doesn't exactly betray whether it's from arousal or rage. A heavy silence hangs, like he's just processing what was said, unclear how to respond.

His gaze drops to the slight tent forming in the front of his jeans and he snarls under his breath

"I oughta rip yer fuckin' throat out, ya fuckin' faggot!" He snaps while sitting and crossing his legs to make the effect your words have on him less obvious.

[eternaldark-a]

bridgerton original muses...

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤMYLES TIERNEYㅤㅤㅤ‚ㅤㅤㅤt.m blyth.

ㅤㅤㅤmyles, along with his parents, older twin brother & two younger siblings, moved to london from ireland a few years prior to the show's second season ( or around that, idk man ). he & his father don't get along whatsoever & often relies on his twin running interreference. he's quite reserved & quiet, only really showing parts of his true self when playing sports of that time era. almost everyone is kept at an arm's length & he rarely notices that he's doing this; it's his norm at this point. myles has no interest in the high society nor the search for a partner. in fact, he's not interested in women at all. myles has known he was gay since he was a young teen, but has never said this out loud. he can't picture a world in which he could because, put simply, that terrifies him.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤREBECCA ROWEㅤㅤㅤ‚ㅤㅤㅤsophie skelt.n.

ㅤㅤㅤrebecca is the younger sibling of @burygods's peter. their family used to be known for their shipping company & that came with financial wealth. their father, however, got quite greedy and found ways to skim money from customers, etc. when this was revealed, the rowe name became synonymous with rock bottom. they were societal pariahs. rebecca tries not to let this bother her, but it does. she can be quite the sensitive soul & would much rather be judged on her own merit than the crimes of her father & this often leads to her coming to odds with society and her brother. still, it's her life & she's going to embrace everything that comes with that... or, at least, tries to. she's also entirely not interested in being married off, but it's the one thing that's expected of her which... sucks.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤRHYS TIERNEYㅤㅤㅤ‚ㅤㅤㅤj.nah h king.

ㅤㅤㅤoldest brother of the tierney four. he absolutely loves attention & will embrace it with ease whenever it comes his way. like his twin brother, rhys is very sporty and, for him, his physical prowess is just another avenue to show off in, along with his skills on the piano. he's very much a lads lad & loves to have fun with his life. after all, why have status and not use it? he can be quite flippant and may like his reflection a bit too much. he & his twin rarely see eye to eye. he's secretly a care bear, though. it just takes a few serious conversations and reality checks to get to that version of him.

[software-instxbility]

[Graphic internalised transphobia]

I hate that we're supposedly trans. It's fucking disgusting, I'm fucking sick. I was born a woman and I cannot escape that. Maybe all that detrans content is what opened my eyes at last, or maybe I always knew I was wrong. I should be locked up and fixed, whatever it takes, it's fucking mental illness and altering myself is not the fucking solution. I'm monstrous and I'm making a mistake. "Male" or "female" are not feelings they're states of being, I cannot "feel like a man" as I will never be one. I deserve to be beaten, I deserve to be wanted dead. If I didn't want people to hate me, I would try harder to be normal. No matter what I do I cannot deny the factual truth of my womanhood and of how disgusting my attempt at "being trans" is.

[miraplayssims]

Arabella had gotten engaged and a wedding was held in Britechester. Though not too far away from Henford, it was still the furthest away any of the Gale children had ever been from the farm.

Magdalena loved the city, with all its modernities and large buildings. What she loved even more, however, was being able to walk around the town with Cecilia, without anyone to object or scorn. No one to question why a girl of Cecilia’s standing would associate with someone like Magdalena.

The day after the wedding, before the train was set to take them back to Henford, Magdalena and Cecilia enjoyed one last walk together. As they walked arm in arm, she looked up at Cecilia, her Cecilia, and sighed. If only it could be like this always, she thought.

When the girls approached the large square close by the university buildings, they saw a small group of women standing together, “deeds not words! Sisters, rise up, votes for women NOW!” they could hear the women shouting.

“Celia!” Magdalena suddenly gasped and let go of Cecilia’s arm, “isn’t that Ms. Carlisle?” she asked, pointing towards the women with signs and banners.

“Yes, I think you’re right!” Cecilia said and together the two girls ran over to the gathering of women.

“By Jove, do my eyes deceive me?” Ms. Carlisle exclaimed when she saw her old students, “why, Ms. Grey and Ms. Gale, what are you girls doing here?” she said with a wide smile. She handed over the banner she was holding to younger woman to shake Magdalena and Cecilia’s hands.

“We’re here for Arabe- Ms. Goodman’s wedding,” Cecilia explained, “well, I suppose she’s Mrs. Bradshaw now.”

“Oh, happy day! You must send her my best,” Ms. Carlisle said, “we’re just about finished, please stay, I’d love to hear how you’ve been.”

When the women soon after were done and all packed up, Ms. Carlisle grabbed a young woman by the arm and led her to Magdalena and Cecilia, “I’d like to introduce you to Ruth Gabriel!” she said, “I believe the three of you are the same age.”

Magdalena studied the girl closely. Ruth wore a hat just like her own, and when the two shook hands she could feel how rough and chapped Ruth’s hand was. So different from Cecilia’s, but so much like her own.

“Come, girls,” Ms. Carlisle said, “let me treat you to something sweet.”

Magdalena listened intently as Ms. Carlisle and Ruth spoke about their cause, Votes for women. One hour ago, she hadn’t even considered the possibility of women being able to vote, but now… Now it seemed so obvious. Of course we should have the right to vote, of course we’re just as capable as men, she thought.

“We simply wish for women to have the same rights as men,” Ruth explained, “we have to pay taxes, but we’re not allowed to have a say in what´s done with that money? That’s not democracy in my book.”

“Ms. Gabriel and myself are part of a society called Central Committee of the National Society for Women's Suffrage,” Ms. Carlisle chimed in, “if you’re interested, I know the woman in charge of our branch in Henford. It was a while since I last spoke to her, not since I moved away I believe, but I’m certain she’d love some new recruits.”

"Yes, I´d love that!" Magdalena said eagerly. In the distance they could hear the church bells ring four times, "Oh, Cecilia and I have to catch our train, but please do write to her, Ms. Carlisle. Could I get your adresses? I´d like to keep in contact."

As the three women exchanged their information, Cecilia sat quiet.

Magdalena and Cecilia started making their way back towards the Britechester train staion. But while Magdalena was filled with excitement over the possibility of joining the fight for women´s suffrage, Cecilia was quiet and distant.

"Magda, stop talking, please!" she suddenly snapped.

Magdalena stopped dead in her track, schocked at her Cecilia´s harsh words, "What´s the matter? What did I do?"

Cecilia turned around and glared at Magdalena who quickly caught up to her, "why did you ask for her adress?"

"Ms. Carlisle´s?"

"Don´t play dumb. That girl´s, Ruth or whatever?"

"I thought maybe we could write to each other," Magdalena said, still confused about Cecilia´s sudden outburst.

"You think she´s pretty. Don´t deny it, I could see how you looked at her," Cecilia sneered, "if she knew what you are, she´d be repulsed. I am the only one who isn´t disgusted."

"Celia, please-" but before Magdalena could continue, Cecilia had once again walked off.

[oc-tournaments]

ROUND TWO - MATCH 5

ICHIKO TAKEDA vs DALO

ICHIKO TAKEDA: @missmako-chan

DALO: @genericswordsmaiden

VOTE BASED ON THE INFORMATION BELOW CUT!!

Propaganda Content Warnings: Suicide, assault, internalised homophobia, animal death, dismemberment, alcoholism for DALO.

ICHIKO TAKEDA:

PROPAGANDA: Ichiko is an in-universe Kamen Rider fan, raised by the Imagin from Kamen Rider Den-O! She loves her brothers and all Kamen Riders! Sure would be a shame if she's ripped away from her world and put into another (Ride Kamens) where Riders work differently yet resemble the ones from her world close enough that she can't help compare them constantly despite the old Riders not existing here and internally hate the Ride Kamens 'Riders' for "copying a legacy they don't even know about" and not be able to go home!! Sure would be an even bigger shame if they turned into a monster about it because they've been stewing in their own conflicting emotions for the entirety of their stay in the Ride Kamens universe until they finally snapped and let go of the cheery persona they kept for so long!!! Especially if the one guy she's stuck with the most is based off of one of her brothers and yet so different from him that they end up catching feelings for him and is in denial!!!!

THEME SONG:

DALO:

PROPAGANDA: Dalo is a ghost, she died by suicide at the age of 27, and in the world of the dead where she now resides, which is actually a purgatory of sorts, she has to endure loneliness because suicides can get corrupted - change form and become aggressive spirits - and are therefore ostracized by other ghosts. Born in an abusive family, starved during her childhood and bullied at school, Dalo develops trust issues growing up, her only friend being a pen pal, Luka, and her mentor, a man whom she only remembers as Professor. Dalo is not her real name, but a nickname that eventually erased her original name. At age 16, she gets physically assaulted by a group of guys and survives, but gets big ugly scars on her back that she tries to hide in every way she can. When she gets the chance, she travels to the city of Providence, renting an apartment with Luka. They form a band with two other characters, Mary and Sam, but soon tensions arise, mainly because they all love Sam in some way, and this puts Dalo in an uncomfortable situation because she doesn't really know how to deal with feelings. She ultimately decides to put them aside and think about how to help Luka deal with his homosexuality instead. In this period of time, which lasts about three months, another tragedy occurs: Dalo and Luka's cat, whom they treated as a son, is found killed one evening. This brings the two even closer, grief shutting them out of the world for a while. As if that wasn't enough, Sam, thinking that Luka and Dalo became a couple, marries Mary instead, breaking two hearts at once. Just when it seems like everything is slowly flowing normally again, Luka has a breakdown and asks Dalo if God can accept him as he is. The choice of words in her answer to such a cryptic question is crucial and will forever change her life, as well as ultimately end his, since he goes missing from that evening, until his body is found in a bag a week later, chopped up into pieces. The weight of the event is too much for her to bear, the guilt and pain make her turn to alcoholism. Her last choice was cold and calculated, she saw no value in a life like hers, so after months of suffering she took her own life. As a ghost, this choice hunts her, also because it made her directly linked to the main antagonist of the book, but this is a lore-heavy detail and I don't really want to delve into it. Her other big character trait is the fact that, with a life like that, she has tons of repressed anger, which all comes crashing out of her (literally) at some point in the story. Her power as a ghost is summoning chains, which symbolise both her guilt and the desperate need to be "chained to someone", to have some kind of bond with another person.

THEME SONG: