#ironic how while writing this my family decided to go and eat lunch without me because I wasn’t ready

[smilesrobotlover]

Ok Smiles I couldn’t find it anywhere but I’d love commentary on any part of that fic you wrote where Blue is touchstarved and the other colors comfort him abddhffh I love that one

-Sky Floor

Don’t worry bestie I got you. It’s right here

Ok, I honestly don’t know where I got the idea to write Blue the way I did. In the manga he’s a very angry and tough guy but he has a soft spot (he cries when they say goodbye :() so imagined it all goes a lot deeper than just anger. Originally I was gonna have Leon comfort Blue in the end but I decided it would’ve been better if the colors comforted him so that I have all of them in one fic you know? Now, I’m not a neat person, I don’t keep my room clean and while I do occasionally organize things, I’m not neat like Blue is. However I think I am very shy and reclusive and I really projected that onto him. I mean he doesn’t have that many connections in the manga. Green is the most like Link and is the leader and so I imagine that he and Zelda get along the best, Vio was close with Shadow, and while he’s rude too I don’t think he’d be shy. And Red is just a little Angel who I feel like would keep in touch with Erune and the kids! But Blue didn’t have that many connections to me. Except with the colors of course

Now the part where he looks for Green and Zelda and hears their laughter and decides not to join them is def something I’ve felt. The self consciousness and believing that people really don’t enjoy being around you is rough, they probably feel obligated to be around you and are just being polite. And it’s hard when you don’t know if they’re being genuine or polite. So you start to spiral into overthinking it all. Blue feels sad hearing Green and Zelda having fun and he doesn’t want to ruin anything, so he decides to stay alone. You know in movies or irl when you hear laughter and it just makes you feel hollow? Yeah that’s what I was trying to convey there.

The most frustrating part of being very shy and introverted is that you do eventually feel lonely. Whether you like it or not, humans are social creatures and we NEED connections. Even tho I can be alone for a while, I need to at least talk to someone. Blue has spent a lot of time alone and he begins to feel left out and hated and all that stuff. He can handle being alone, but not for a long time. And the most annoying thing is that there’s a simple solution to loneliness, go out, socialize, make friends, all that. But it’s really not that easy. I’ve been told so many times that I need to go out and be with people more, and I KNOW that, I know that I get lonely and I know that I need to at least hang out with some people sometimes, but It’s HARD. It’s so hard and people who don’t struggle socially DO NOT understand how hard it is. I feel like I get super anxious whenever I’m in small groups of people where I have to hold up some conversation, big groups is fine but going to a grocery store or trying to find a job or calling someone on the phone is scary and I hate it, and no one seems to understand it. I tried to convey this with Blue, and even the blame that I put on myself on him. He keeps saying that it’s his fault that he’s lonely and that he’s friendless. He won’t go out and talk to people, he won’t make the effort to reach out, therefore HE shouldn’t have the right to even complain about it because HE can solve the issue so easily. And he doesn’t feel like he can talk to people about it because they’ll say “you need to go out and socialize” or something like that so he doesn’t say anything cuz it’s his fault. I just kinda wish that some people understood that not everyone’s strong enough to reach out on their own. And that just talking to people can be terrifying.

And the part where Blue is watching everyone have fun, and the feeling of being left out. It HURTS. It’s hurts so bad, and it’s worse cuz you know that the problem will be solved if you just move to join them and to have fun but you’re so upset that you don’t know how to do anything else except to curl up alone in your room. You don’t know if you’ll even be in the write mood to have fun, you don’t know if you’ll ruin their fun with your presence, you don’t know if they even want you there. I’ve def felt that too many times and it’s so so hard. Now the part where the colors come in and comfort him hasn’t actually happened to me eheh…. But it was needed for him. The colors love Blue and they do want to be with him, Blue was just overthinking and they didn’t know that he was feeling that way because he didn’t say anything. Also the nickname blueberry I felt was very cute lol. And it’s def something Red would call him.

Idk I’m not a touchy person but sometimes a hug goes a long way, sometimes you may need a hug. And yeah, that’s all I have to say about that dhksbsksbsk hope it was a fun read and I’m glad you like it!

[dreamkidddream]

So my birthday is on April Fools, (how deserving 🤪) and I decided to be self indulgent again and write something! These are short and reader is gender neutral!

WARNING: Lesson 16 spoilers in Beel and Belphie’s part (nothing too heavy but read their sections at your own risks)

The Brothers Celebrating your Birthday!

Lucifer

Expect the most grandest/high class celebration you’ve ever seen MC!

As much as he’s not a morning demon, he’s got a noticeable pep in his step this morning because it’s your special day

Expect him to be one of the first people to text you at midnight because he’s still up doing paperwork

But don’t worry, he won’t be doing any work when it’s time to celebrate

Little messages throughout the day, hinting at something big to come along with small gifts (atleast to him) such as: new outfits, lunch at Ristorante Six with him, basically stuff that he pleases you both and that he would love to see you in (not that he would ever tell you)

Expect his gifts to be high quality too (ie. very expensive)

You expected a huge party, but you didn’t expect him to get so sentimental

After everything ended, you ended up in his room, with him just holding you in his lap, unconsciously caressing you with his mind deep in thought

The impact that you made on his brothers- the impact that you made just on him- it’s far bigger than you could imagine. And that scares him

He’s gotten so close to you that he forgot that you can’t stay here forever, both in the Devildom and mortality. What would he do when you have to leave his brothers? When you have to leave him? It makes his chest pang with pain every time the thought crosses his mind, but he refuses to let it ruin the moments he does get to spend with you

You’ll never know how grateful he is for deep down, and he never wants to lose you. Who would have thought that the mighty firstborn would fall so deep for a mere human?

Mammon

ITS PARTY TIME

Get ready to have the best birthday ever with no one other than the Great Mammon!

Tries to be the first one to tell you, fell asleep and immediately felt bad

Celebrates your birthday like a national holiday but is still somehow tsundere about it. He’s only being like this because you don’t know how to party, and he doesn’t want to hear you complain later, got it?!

Has his crows bring you small gifts leading up to the big party. Bracelets, candy, mini love letters that he swore that he threw away...

Definitely snuck off during your party, because he wanted to hand you his gift personally (and he didn’t want to hear his brothers say anything about it). Prays (how ironic) that you don’t hate it, tears up when you say that you love it

Definitely got some kisses as thanks and can expect some more later

He just really appreciates and loves you okay? You’re important to him, and today’s the day that you were brought into the world, the reason that he’s able to look forward to something everyday. You’ve made a change in everyone’s lives, even that grouch Lucifer, and he has to say thanks somehow

Plus, you’re important to him- so he does see this as a special day regardless of what comes out of his mouth. He still gets embarrassed about being emotional, but he makes sure that you know that he loves you

He always will

Leviathan

It’s just another day normie, nothing special...

Hey quit trying to figure out what he’s hiding behind his back! He doesn’t have anything okay?! It’s nothing! And ignore that he called you, he just butt dialed you and didn’t expect you to answer! And he just decided to say happy birthday because everyone else was, not because he actually cares!

He is so stumped on how he’s going to celebrate your birthday, he hasn’t stressed about something non-otaku like this in decades. He’s so anxious that he’ll ruin your big day. What if he gets you something and you hate it and then hate him?!!

This day is making him more nervous than it should, but he can’t help it! You’re his best friend, a person that he can confidently say that he’s fortunate enough to know and that he loves-

OKAY he can’t exactly say it out loud yet without turning 50 shades of red, but he really does. He just needs a way to show it

Believe it or not, he was too excited to wait to tell you his gift after the party, so he told you after he said happy birthday. Free range to his manga collection??? What could be better than that?! The perfect gift if you asked him

Plus he rather you be holed up with him in his room than being anywhere else. That’s how it should be: just his Henry, his anime/manga/game collection, and Henry 2.0

It’s the least that he can do for how much you’ve been there for him, and even though he still has a hard time saying how he really feels, he hopes that this atleast gives you a glimpse into his true feelings

Ugh this feels like he’s a love interest in an otome game or something...

Satan

Honestly is the chillest of them all

Don’t get me wrong he’s super excited like everyone else, but he has a very detailed itinerary that you both need to follow for today, starting with breakfast.

Get down here before Beel eats your breakfast!

He made it with all of your favorite activities and places, along with things that he just knew you’ll love (and him too, but seeing you smiling is more than enough to make him content). He put a lot of effort into this whole day, especially with your gift

He put thought into it (no surprise there), he didn’t want to give you just anything and he has to one-up Lucifer and he needed to give you something to show you how much of a change you’ve been in his life. How much you influenced him to make better choices when it comes to channeling his anger and rage

He got you a magic photo album last year, and the way that you reacted to that (which was obviously positive), the pressure is on this year to impress you even more

Which he ended up doing! But he won’t lie, he was just a tad bit nervous in disappointing you, but everything worked out well, so you didn’t need to know!

Although, he did feel a bit shy in handing you his gift, he felt relieved in seeing you accept it so quickly

Also invited you to read any of his books, and even offered to teach you some spells, both safe and simple enough to where it won’t cause any real damage to anyone. Might teach you a spell to spite Lucifer to make the LYS club proud

You don’t know how much you mean to his brothers, how much you mean to him. You’ve made a bigger impact that you think, and while he knows that nothing he does will ever show you how eternally thankful he is for your presence, he at least wants to show you a sliver of his appreciation. What better way than the day you came into the world?

Also expect him to try and fluster you the whole day. You’re too cute for him to leave you alone, and your reactions are better than that brand new cat cafe

Actually he might have to test that theory, and the only way to do that is if you both visit the cafe. Either way he’s not complaining! Cats and you? A match to die for

Asmodeus

You’re the only reason he’ll interrupt his beauty sleep

Wants bragging rights to say that he told you happy birthday first

Today is a big day after all! It’s the day that you came into the world, and that you’re able to even be down here with him- I mean them!

Will be your designated fashion designer. All your outfits already have to not only be on point, but they have to be iconic. No exceptions! Doesn’t matter if you’re just going to Purgatory Hall, you’re going there in style!

Gifts are in style too! He got you stuff that you would absolutely fall in love with. He’s not that self centered, give him some credit MC!

After the big celebration with everyone, of course you’re going out to The Fall! He has to show you off of course, it would be a crime if he didn’t

But once everything is over and you guys are home, he takes his time in doing his nightly routine on you both. Honestly just basking in your glow and just enjoying you. No sharing, no interruptions, just you and him

He catches himself thinking that there’s no way he can love someone more than he can love himself, it’s impossible, it has to be

But he loves you so much that he’s starting to doubt that theory

But would that really be a problem?

Beelzebub

He’s so excited! And he takes today VERY seriously

He’s gonna make sure you eat SO GOOD today that Lord Diavolo would be jealous

As soon as you get up you guys are hitting every restaurant and I mean EVERY

You’re getting the best of the best because you deserve the best

And as a gift he got you so much food that you’ll probably have enough to last you both for the rest of the year...if he doesn’t eat it all

He knows that food is his thing, but he got you so much because he knows that it makes him happy, and he wants you to feel the same way. It makes him feel all warm inside, and when you’re with him it’s like he’s eating all of his favorites at once, but even better

And you guys eating food together?? It makes him feel like he’s back in the Celestial Realm again

But I feel like with Beel, another way he shows love is through acts of service and quality time. For him, even if you guys are doing absolutely nothing, he’s 100% in bliss

So his gift to you was in the way of snacks to share and having him at your mercy (not that you would ever take advantage of him like that). Also promising to take you wherever you want, it’s your day!

You see past his sin, and enjoy Beel for Beel. You don’t just see him as Gluttony, you helped bring his twin back to him, you even sleep and listen to him after his nightmares of Lilith. It’s only right to show gratitude for all that you’ve done on your birthday

And all of his brothers love you, especially him. You’re basically family at this point, and no takebacks either

Just don’t leave him MC, you’ve became a big part of his life now, and he honestly would be very sad without you

Belphegor

There’s no way that this sleepy king can stay up until midnight so you’ll get your happy birthday when he sees you in the morning (if he’s up)

No but fr in the game he DOES NOT CALL YOU OR EVEN TEXT!!! LIKE I STAYED UP THINKING HE FELL ASLEEP AND HE JUST STRAIGHT UP- okay sorry back to the headcannons 😭

He’s very optimistic on the inside trust me, he just doesn’t show it very well on the outside, but he’s trying!

He can’t help it that he’s sleepy but...you put some energy back into him, and he is ecstatic about celebrating with you, he just has a hard time showing it

His brothers were a little peeved about his nonchalant attitude AND not getting you a gift, but Beel already knows what his twin is doing, he just didn’t want anyone else to know because he wanted everything to be perfect

After the party, he snuck you away to the planetarium, which is designated as your sacred spot. This was nothing new, but you still laid in awe cuddled with Belphie looking up at the sky

But tonight was different, as the stars up above spelled out...your name? And did that star basically let out miniature fireworks? And are those stars over there shaped as a cow and mooing?

Seeing your eyes light up meant that it was worth it to skip out on some of his naps to talk to Solomon and practice out some new spells (but you won’t ever know that)

Belphie really cares about you. Really cares about you. No matter how much he may be sarcastic or act like things aren’t a big deal, they are to him, especially when it comes to you. After the ill-fated events in the attic, he would have not been surprised if you hated him and want nothing to do with him ever again; it was his fault after all, he couldn’t be upset with you. But you were willing to forgive him, and start over

MC, you will never know how much indebted he is to you. You’re the reason that he’s out of the attic and reconnected with his twins again, the reason that he’s apart of the family and not separated. Yes, he still has some issues that he may need to work on for himself, but he’s able to take the right step because of you

He doesn’t really have a choice in celebrating your birthday (at least to him but he’s gonna celebrate either way), because without you, he doesn’t know where he would end up at, he would be lost. He owes you enough to see you safe and happy, and he swears that he will keep you that way. A happy and safe MC means a satisfied Belphie

And having you curled up in his side, going on about the show he planned, has him feeling very light, and he can’t help but wonder if this is how his sister felt

If it is, he can’t help but start to see everything a little clearer now

[ptergwen]

call me cupid

w/c: 3.5k

warnings: very mild angst and a few swears

summary: despite your hatred for valentine’s day, peter attempts to make you a card

a/n: happy valentine’s day my loves!! i hope y’all get to spend some time with your people today and eat lots of chocolate <3 love you & enjoy mwah

-

it’s no secret that peter is terrible with words. he gets so flustered he can’t talk or forgets what he wants to say altogether. school presentations are torture. ordering food out is impossible. he’s accepted it at this point, that speaking just isn’t for him.

the one place it doesn’t come across is on paper. peter is ridiculously smart, and he knows all the right words to string together, which is why writing you a valentine should be no trouble at all. should be no trouble at all.

to tell the truth, he’s been sitting at his kitchen table with a blank sheet of paper in front of him for what feels like hours. nothing is coming to him. he’s not sure why this is so hard. you’re his girlfriend, he loves you, he’s said it so many times in every way he could think to. what’s different about it now?

everyone puts way too much pressure on giving the perfect gift when they should really just be enjoying each other’s company on a holiday about love. or, in your words, a meaningless holiday that was created by capitalists as another excuse to take people’s money. 

alright, you aren’t too fond of valentine’s day.

it makes anyone who’s single feel like shit and anyone who’s in a relationship lose their shit.

only mj agreed when you shared your criticisms. ned and betty gave you looks like you were insane, and flash muttered something about you being undateable. peter had laughed and swung an arm around your shoulders, but he didn’t fully agree.

although valentine’s day has its flaws, peter likes to see it as twenty four hours of extra appreciation for the people in his life. you can buy chocolate for your friends and family. it doesn’t have to be a significant other, really. him and ned would do it before he had you and ned had betty.

peter wants to remind you how loved you are even if you’re not into the festivities like he is, that bringing him to writing your card. it’s a simple and clinically underrated way of expressing his gratitude. he’d write you love letters every day if he didn’t suck at them.

may comes out of her room to see peter in the same place he’s been since he got home from school. she looks at him through her glasses, smiling as she comes into the room. he’s tapping his pencil on the table, eraser down, searching his mind for anything to write.

“still nothing?” may asks him, making her way over to the cabinets. peter puts down the pencil and sighs. his shoulders slump. “nope. i haven’t gotten past the intro.” “intro, huh?” she teases her newphew and grabs a jar of sauce. “y/n isn’t your teacher, kiddo. you’re not writing her an essay.” she looks at peter over her shoulder. a sheepish smile creeps onto his face.

“you know what i mean.” he reads over the only words on his paper at the moment. dear y/n. he’s starting to feel like spongebob the one time he wrote a paper. “what are you making?” peter asks may so he can temporarily take the focus off his unwritten valentine. “pasta,” may shakes the box in her hand. “and meatballs.”

“should i dial 911 now or wait until we’re in flames?” peter jokes about her awful cooking skills. may shoos him off and puts the box of pasta on the counter. “worry about your own kitchen nightmare.” she nods at the sheet of paper tormenting him. frowning, he glances back at her. “i’m the worst, may. i really don’t know what to write.”

may struggles to open the jar of sauce as she replies. “i thought you said- jesus.” it pops off. “y/n doesn’t like valentine’s day.” she slides over a pot from the stove and dumps the sauce in. peter stares up at the ceiling. “she doesn’t.” that’s probably why he’s having such a hard time. “why are you writing her a card, then?” may questions, turning on a burner.

“because, i dunno, it’s nice? it’ll make her happy? she might not care, but i do.” he mumbles the last part. he’s a bit of a hopeless romantic, so he hasn’t quite adjusted to the idea you had of not getting each other presents. you’re treating it like a regular day. some takeout and cuddles is all you’re doing.

peter would rather buy you things until his pockets are empty. not that there’s much in them, anyway. the point is that you deserve proper spoiling instead of corny words in his shitty handwriting.

“peter, honey. it might be better to stick with what y/n wants,” may suggests while stirring the sauce in the pot. she’s well aware that a few paragraphs from peter won’t change your mind. your opinions belong to you, and there’s nothing he can do about it, though he does have good intentions.

ignoring what may just said, peter makes a request. “what if you help me write it?” she faces the stove again. he can picture her playful smile when she quirks back, “she’s not my girlfriend.” “no, but you’re a girl... a woman,” he corrects himself, earning a scoff from may. “you’d probably know what sounds good.”

“you know y/n better than me, peter. do it on your own,” she exhales and turns back around with the wooden spoon in her hand. “it’ll be more... heartfelt.” peter hates that may is right because he’s completely stuck. his heart is being stupid today. “okay. i’ll try.” he gives her a slow nod. “why don’t you take a break? come stir the sauce. i’ll start the pasta.”

peter gets up from the table and grabs the spoon from may. she pinches his cheek on her way to the sink, getting a tight lipped smile from him.

this is not good.

-

the next day at school, peter asks around the lunch table for advice while you’re on line getting food. he feels guilty about it because may told him not to. he’s never going to get your valentine done if he doesn’t, though. it isn’t the worst thing in the world to bring on some co-writers.

“ok, what do you have so far?” betty asks, fully invested in the situation. she’s hoping this will switch up your views on valentine’s day. peter pulls out the same piece of paper from last night and says verbatim what’s on it. “dear y/n.” he looks up at ned and betty, the corners of his mouth twitching down. ned motions with his hand for peter to go on.

“that’s it,” peter confesses and folds the paper back up in shame. “dude, you told us it was a work in progress,” ned winces, betty taking his hand that’s resting on her shoulder. “where’s the progress?” betty patronizes him. they’re making him feel worse than he already did. what great co-writers he’s collaborating with.

peter throws a hand up, an eye roll included. “yeah, it’s terrible. can you help me or not?” mj narrows her own eyes at peter from the other end of his bench. she’s not interested in participating when the conversation is about forcing you to celebrate a holiday you don’t like.

“ooh!” betty squeals and squeezes ned’s hand. “you should make a list.” ned grins, leaning his head on hers. “genius, babe.” “a list of what?” peter furrows his eyebrows as he looks between the two of them. “what you love about y/n,” she explains, ned adding on, “stuff you do together, or you appreciate.”

“put whatever you come up with into sentences and voilà,” betty says in her best french accent. “oui oui,” ned agrees, both of them giggling. that doesn’t sound half bad. peter could manage a list about you. “thank you so much, guys. you literally just saved valentine’s day,” he confidently tucks his paper into his pocket. “it’s what we do,” ned tells him coolly.

“you never asked what i think,” mj cuts in, staring down her friends, who reluctantly meet her gaze. she pushes her bag of goldfish aside and raises an eyebrow. “mj, we know how you feel about valentine’s day.” peter presses his lips together. “y/n feels the same way,” mj reminds him dryly.

it’s true, but he doesn’t want to hear that right now. he’s having a breakthrough.

like clockwork, you appear at the table. you slip into the spot next to peter and put down your lunch tray. “what’d i miss?” you comment on the obvious tension, eyeing betty for an explanation. mj gives it to you. “valentine’s day discourse,” she tells you knowingly. peter shifts in his seat, uncomfortable, like he’s been caught doing something he isn’t supposed to.

he technically has.

“yuck,” you murmur, winding your arms around peter’s neck. “yuck, yuck, yuck.” he finds your words ironic because you then kiss his cheek, and peck his lips when he turns his head. peter puts a hand on your side and lets his eyes go up and down your face. a smile spreads across it, which he returns without thinking about. mj huffs in disapproval. she’s seen enough pda.

-

peter makes his list later that night. he decided he isn’t being inauthentic because he’s coming up with everything himself. he breezes right through it, jotting down what he loves most about you across the paper. it’s a mess. scribbled out misspellings and shreds of eraser, single words and whole phrases covering both sides. he’s proud of his actual progress.

he’ll write the official letter tomorrow since you’re coming over tonight. he at least has his material. the next, thankfully final, step is to reword it.

you’re ranting to peter about some drama with one of your teachers. he listens intently as always, chuckling when you crack jokes and grinning the entire time, feeling so lucky to have the most passionate, say whatever is on her mind girlfriend ever. seriously, it’s inspiring to watch.

“no, like, i never know what’s going on in that class,” you snort, peter snaking his arms around your middle from behind. “because you don’t pay attention,” he hums with his face nuzzled into the back of your neck. “because it doesn’t make any sense!” you defend yourself. his lips brush against your bare skin, drawing a giggle out of you.

“back to what i was saying,” your voice drips with sarcasm. the two of you naturally gravitate to his room, you walking in first. “she called on me, and i- what’s this?” you escape peter’s arms and head over to his desk. crap, he was working on your valentine and forgot to put it away. it caught your attention because it’s surrounded by crumpled papers and glitter.

peter was... experimenting... with designs for the front of the card. he’s learned that he isn’t too artistic either.

“wait, don’t read that,“ peter tries, but you’ve already got the list in your hands. he anxiously sucks his lower lip into his mouth and comes to stand next to you.

you first see the ‘dear y/n,’ then focus in on a few other words. my person forever, which makes you coo at the paper. insane (in the best way), which makes you gasp dramatically. i know you don’t like valentine’s day, but...

you drop the card back on the desk and let out a breath, shutting your eyes as irritation creeps in. it wouldn’t be fair for you to be mad at peter because it’s a sweet gesture, it really is. just, not for you personally. you’re on opposite sides of the valentine’s spectrum. you despise it, he sort of loves it. you’d hoped to meet somewhere in the middle.

“i thought we said no gifts,” you keep your voice level and spin around to look at peter. his face is painted with guilt. “it’s a card,” he murmurs, then meets your eyes with his brows knitted together. “i can’t even give you a card?” “i mean...” you shrug and shake your head. “look, peter. we had an agreement. i’m not doing valentine’s day.”

his disappointment comes out in the form of hanging his head. “yeah, you’re right. sorry.”

may tried to tell him this would happen, mj tried to tell him, and now you’re telling him. he should’ve expected it. he isn’t sure why he’s being so mopey about it because he was fully aware of your hatred for anything with the word valentine in it. it still hurts. peter just wishes you’d let him have the one day to love you and only you, give you some special attention.

“it’s nothing against you, babe,” you reassure him, noticing the shift in his mood. you put a hand on his shoulder. “i really just don’t like valentine’s day. it feels so... fake to me.” peter musters up a smile that doesn’t meet his eyes. it drops when you loop your arms around his torso.

“if i celebrated, you’d be the first person i’d wanna spend it with.” you punctuate your words with a kiss to his cheek. he rests his chin on your head, you nuzzling your own cheek into his sweater. he’s feeling a bit better now. it’s not about him, that’s what he needs to remind himself. “thanks, baby,” peter speaks lowly into the air. you hum as if to say no problem.

scratch literally everything he’s done.

-

peter rolls over in his bed, rubbing at his eyes as his alarm goes off. it’s today. happy valentine’s day to... himself. he doesn’t think you’d want to hear it.

he’s not as broken up about everything as the other day. you have your reasons for not celebrating, and peter accepts them. hey, he still gets to spend the whole day with you. you’re technically having an unspoken valentine’s date.

he gets up from his bed with a yawn and starts to dig through his drawers for an outfit. you should be over soon.

before you head over to peter’s, you decide to make a quick stop at cvs for a few things. you ended up feeling pretty terrible about snapping on him essentially for loving you. it was over a harmless valentine, something to make you feel good and be an outlet for the hundreds of romantic bones in his body. basically, you were bitter about having a thoughtful boyfriend.

you want to make it up to him by giving him gifts instead. you’ll never be down with the whole exploitive and capitalistic side of valentine’s day, but there’s a deeper meaning to it than what you give it credit for. you see that now. peter was able to show his love for you through a homemade mess of a card, and you felt it. the price tags don’t matter. the meaning does.

dressed in his nicest sweater with his hair all styled, peter answers your knocking at his door. a grin instantly paints his face as he takes you in. you’re bundled up in a coat and holding a bag by your side. “hey,” he greets you and lets you past him. you shut the door behind him, returning the smile and winding an arm around his neck for a hug. his drapes around your back.

“hey. happy valentine’s day.” “happy valentine’s-“ peter realizes what he’s about to say and what you just said, then stops himself. “what?” he breaks the hug, squinting at your odd behavior. you’re the last person he’d expected to hear that from. “it’s valentine’s day. so, happy valentine’s day,” you tell him like it’s nothing.

he stays quiet while you shrug off your coat and throw it over one of the kitchen chairs. you bring your bag along with you, peter following you in. he’s suspicious. intrigued, and suspicious. it’s been less than a day since he last say you. you had a change of heart that fast? you aren’t the biggest valentine’s day anti he knows anymore?

“where’s may?” you wonder aloud, taking both of peter’s hands in your now free ones. he eyes the shopping bag you put down while you lace your fingers together. “with happy. they’re getting brunch.” he’s never particularly psyched to talk about their relationship. it’s always been in a joking way, though. now, he sounds genuinely upset to go over may’s whereabouts.

“they’re so cute,” you comment, tugging on peter’s hands so he looks at you. “you good?” “great,” peter half lies and nods, then presses a reassuring kiss to your cheek. he’s not bad. puzzled is the word. what you say next only adds to it.

“good. i have a few things for you,” you beam at him and grab your shopping bag off the chair. that’s what that’s for? peter isn’t fully sure what you’re up to. it doesn’t stop a smile from stretching across his lips, though.

“what happened to no presents?” he tests you as you reach into the bag. “well, i feel bad about how i acted the other day.” you pull out a heart shaped box of chocolates. “the card was really sweet, and i was too caught off guard to appreciate it. i’m sorry, pete.” peter’s eyes twinkle at you, gazing as you give him a smile with a hint of shyness behind it. you’re leaving your comfort zone and entering his.

“i was wrong and cynical and just, yeah. happy valentine’s day,” you add on and shove the box into his hand. he finally grins, so wide and then lets out a breathy laugh. “thanks, y/n. i know it was probably hard to shop being surrounded by this stuff.” he holds up the box. he’s right. you’ll unfortunately be seeing pink and red for weeks. “it was, but i did it for you.” you happily open up your arms for him.

peter puts down the chocolates and pulls you into his arms, his cheek squished against the side of your head as he hugs you to his chest. “oh my god, i love you so much,” he mumbles out, you squeezing him in response. “i love you, pete.” you press a quick kiss to his neck and hold him at arm’s length so you can see him. “i have something else for you.”

“baby,” peter coos, a pout on his lips. “you don’t have to do all of this. i would’ve been fine without the chocolates, even.” “stop, you deserve it,” you shut down the part of him that’s way too nice and selfless. “you’re my real present,” he says lower and with a toothy smile. shaking your head, you reach behind you and into the bag.

he can’t believe you’ve switched stances on valentine’s day. you’re the present pusher, and he’s refusing them. peter thinks it’s some sort of miracle that you’re not only acknowledging the holiday, you’re also partaking in it. his hopeless romantic side tells him it’s actually love, and it is. that’s the cheesy, hallmark movie truth. you suffered through shopping at a heart themed cvs because you love him. simple.

you return with a pink envelope that you place into peter’s hand. his face softens as he closes his fingers around it. “y/n, you made me a card?” “kind of,” you laugh at his overstatement. it’s obviously pre-made. you’d used a pen to fill it out in the store, scribbled a few words and tucked it into the envelope.

“it really doesn’t compare to yours, though,” you simultaneously warn and compliment him. peter dismisses you with a lighthearted click of his tongue. “oh, shush. that was only a rough draft.” “which proves my point even more. open it.” you grip onto the bottom of his sweater and grin.

he keeps his eyes on you while ripping open the envelope, then looks down and chuckles at the gag of the card. it has r2d2 and r4d4 from star wars on the front. inside is already written, “r4 is red and r2 is blue. if i was the force then i’d be with you.” you giggle to yourself, watching him read what you wrote next. i love you more every day, especially on valentine’s. xo, y/n.

peter holds the card to his side and slings an arm around your waist. “they make star wars valentines?” he murmurs, another smile breaking out on his face, one that you of course return. you use his sweater to pull him closer. “apparently. perfect for you.” peter tosses the card down next to the chocolates, both arms now holding you.

“thank you so much, baby. you’re an angel,” he sighs and pecks your lips after. “call me cupid,” you answer.

you give him a longer kiss back, tilting your head up to deepen it. your hands find their place on his biceps, earning a hum from peter as he moves his lips against yours. you can feel his love in every little movement, how he hugs your waist like you’re made of glass, rests his forehead against yours. when your lips mutually detach, peter speaks first, voice slightly husky.

“happy valentine’s day, cupid.”

you breathe out, peter closing his eyes in content.

“happy valentine’s day, r2.”

[mrskurono]

REPOST FROM MY NON WRITING BLOG title: breakdown of break through || Kageyama Tobio x fem!Reader a/n: again, a repost from my real old blog I just got tired of going back onto it to find this when I wanna comfort binge it. So I’m just posting it here for easy access for myself word count: 3k tags: fluff, friends to lovers ish trope, timeskip!Kageyama, adults enjoying two (2) beers with a meal, unedited character(s): Kageyama Tobio (hq) synopsis: Tobio arranged for you to come pick him up when he came back for a visit. His plane was early. You were on time. Suddenly you’re eating a meal with his family like your back in high school all over again. This time though he finds the words he couldn’t before.

Through break down or black out that name lit up on your phone like none other.

Tobio.

Now though you were getting a slough of texts. Phone humming in your hand. Giving you no time to look at the messages and look for the black haired man in the crowded airport. Once more you glanced up at the gate number knowing it was the right one he told you. Where was he then?

Fed up finally you skip past all the texts just to call him. Only a single ring on the other end and you spoke before he had a chance, "Where are you?"

"What?"

"Where are you?" You repeat into the phone a little sharper than intended, "I'm at the gate I thought you were going to get off?"

"I'm already off, I'm at my place I thought-"

"Oh my god when did you land then?!" Huffing you were about to hang up and find the incriminating texts that said when his flight got in. Of course you didn't because Tobio stopped you.

"I told you when I left things were early so I'd be landing about two hours before and we didn't have a layover." Tobio's voice pauses on the other end as you groan loudly into the phone speaker to let him know how displeased you were. "Wait, where are you?"

"I'm at the terminal you idiot!" With little care for anyone looking at you like the mad woman screaming into your phone that you were, "Where are you already?!"

"My place I told you! Are you going to come over or not?!"

"W-What?" You stop a second like you didn't hear him, "What?"

"I said are you coming over? I thought we were going to hang out."

Not what was agreed on. In fact you intended to pick him up and the idea of hang out was maybe you'd grab a bite to eat then that be it. You hadn't seen one another in, oh well, it had to be two almost three years now. Sure you texted each other almost every day. With regular facetime happening weekly. The idea of seeing each other face to face though. It left your stomach tight and a bundle of nerves a little less than understandable. He was a big shot volleyball player now. Being friends with a celebrity felt weirder to you than you cared to admit. You thought if maybe just a lunch and then he could go see the guys things would be alright. Instead now he was asking you to come hang out at his place all of a sudden.

"What?" You echo yourself for a third time like he asked.

"I told you to come over! I thought that's what we were gonna do!"

You swallow the lump in your throat as you grip your phone tighter, "Wait- What about the others and Shoyo I just thought-"

"Just come over already."

Undeniable click on the other end when he hung up. No second to dispute it in the moment. You wanted to hang out. You really did. But something ate you. Nerves. Maybe this was a bad idea. What you had going was perfect and seeing each other for the first time in years seemed like you were going to ruin something. Unsure what there was to ruin. You two were friends. This white knuckled grip on your phone seemed silly. But why wasn't it going away?

Shaking the nerves out like you could simply whisk them away. You pocketed your phone ready to still yell at him for mixing up such a simple schedule and making you go to the airport like an idiot.

Last time you recalled being at Tobio's place was for a going away party. Of course his own because his mother threw it and all of the volleyball team and tagalongs were included. It was fun last time, with everyone that is. Yachi and Kiyoko to be with, you really enjoyed yourself the last time you were here. But now you wondered if you could have just as much fun without all your friends around to buffer you.

One might mock the twenty something year old for keeping his stuff at home. Repeatedly Tobio asked why would he move when most his time was spent in Germany. He came home to see family and friends anyways. Keeping his things there only made more sense.

Finding yourself wrapping your knuckles on the Kageyama's door after you finally made it to where he was and not the airport. It took but one wrap to be greeted by the setter in a heartbeat.

"Tobio!" Your eyes widen, having to actually tip your head back to look at him. Was he this tall last time you saw him, "Your- Where is-"

"My mom's out with my sister. You missed that cry fest already," His blue eyes roll to the back of his head only for a second. Followed by a cheeky smile. An actual smile crossing his lips as he looks down at you for a moment. Perhaps realizing he really was looking down at you, "It's uh..."

"Been a while?" You feel the tips of your ears getting warm.

This was stupid. Utterly insane.

You saw him almost every week on the screen of your phone. Why was this so much different? Why couldn't there be someone else here to buffer this for you.

"Two and a half years since you came and saw me in Germany," Tobio palmed the back of his head with that crooked smile on his face wearing a hole in your heart.

You look him up and down, still in athletic gear like it was all he owned. Actually that was probably true. He was shit at figuring what to wear so Tobio just opted for brand loyalty of anyone who gave him free stuff. Those athletic shorts a testament to that fact considering you at least tried to wear something nice and clean to pick him up at the airport he decided to leave from.

"What the hell is with you not telling me you left early!?" Snapped back to the indignance you felt at the airport and the drive over, you cross your arms with a peeved look.

"That's not true!" He dug into his pocket for his phone. Quick to shove it in your face of your text conversation last night. Tobio pointing out the text he explained poorly as an early flight. You couldn't focus in the seconds following when the fresh scent of his familiar deodorant hit you.

It'd been so long. You'd forgotten how much you loved the way he smelled even when you were in school together. To think it still made your chest as tight as it did back when you were teenagers. Almost enough to make you not notice your name in his phone.

There, tacked onto the end your name was a heart. A double take in order. That was until Tobio realized you weren't looking at his text. And right away he yanked his phone away from your view. Cheeks dusted with red as he fidgeted and tried to push his hair back off his face to no avail. Absorbed too much in his phone you hadn't realized his hair was wet as well. Explaining why you could smell his familiar deodorant so easily. He'd obviously taken a shower.

"You took a shower like I haven't seen drenched in sweat?" You break the forming ice between the two of you in an attempt to not let it get any worse. Even if your ears feel as hot as the sun. Your attempt seems to ease something between the two of you and Tobio let a bit of a smile soften on his features.

"You gonna stand out there like an idiot?" He looked at you point blank.

"You gonna ask me to come in like a decent host?" You shoot back.

Maybe you didn't need the buffer of everyone else to hang out with your friend.

Explaining his mom and sister had gone to go get things for dinner as well as pick his grandma up. The offer to stay for a home cooked meal was extended to you quickly. Apprehensive to accept seeing as things were going well now but maybe not so much later. You didn't want to overstay your welcome. Tobio really wasn't going to take no for an answer. Even repeating that dinner was going to be served and it was one of your favorite concoctions Mrs. Kageyama made. Unsure of the last time you had a home cooked meal like that. You begrudgingly accept because your stomach really did speak up for you.

First met with the fear of how long you and Tobio might be alone together. It thankfully wasn't enough time for you to stick your foot in your mouth. Both his sister and mom showed up with grandma Kageyama in tow. All three women more than excited to see you since it'd been a few months since you stopped by. Tobio's mom showering you in affection as her 'good' child seeing as you came to visit far more than her son. A cranky Tobio argued that he lived all the way in Germany there was just no 'coming over' to visit. He hardly won that argument.

Much like the times in high school when you came over. Mrs. Kageyama asked if you would help with dinner. Extending an extra set of hands to meal prep meant you did find a bit of a buffer from being left alone with Tobio for too long. Ironically though instead of spending his time on his phone or something capturing his attention on the tv. Tobio was in the kitchen with the rest of the family helping with what little prep there was to spare between the four of you.

He really was shit at cooking but it was cute to watch the world renowned setter get scolded by his mom even at this age. Each time you giggled he'd shoot you a glare that only lasted a few seconds. Unable to hold it as his cheeks would gain a dusting of pink and he'd just huff and go back to doing it better like his mom told him to.

This felt good. This felt like home. It had been a while since you felt like this.

"And dinner is done!" Mrs. Kageyama was happy to announce the mini feast. More than you ever thought was needed for a dinner. You suspected maybe her son being home had something to do with it. Though with how much she made you expected some more visitors. That was dashed though when you realized he still ate like a horse. Snickering you won't deny Mrs. Kageyama knew what she was doing in the kitchen. Everything you eat feels like a warm hug. And that wasn't just the beer you had with dinner speaking for you. This really felt amazing.

"Hey," Tobio stood above you once he'd clear the table after his mom and sister said they'd be back after dropping grandma Kageyama off, "You want another?"

A second you realize he's looking down at the empty beer in front of you, "Um-"

"I was gonna have another anyways," Tobio gives you an answer before you can have a chance.

Matching cans he brings you one but mentions he's going to go sit outside for a bit. Wondering if you'd like to come with. Stuffed with dinner you were pretty sure you could move if you forced yourself to. So you find yourself trailing him to the back patio ever so familiar to you.

Outside looks so much different than you remember. No more volleyball net. The sets of poles gone. No random volleyballs left out or scattered everywhere. You'd seen this yard a million times since graduation but for some reason it felt weird sitting out there with the volleyball fanatic himself and not a single volleyball in his grasp.

The crack of his beer reminds you of the one in your grasp. Following suit you open your own and take a sip before setting it on the table next to his. Alone together but you could do this.

"...how long you planning on staying?" Out of everything, he hadn't told you how long his little vacation was going to last this time.

"I don't know." A very unlike him answer. You turned to him just to see Tobio looking out at the yard in front of the both of you with a glazed over look.

"What about the team? Did everyone come back with you too?" Figuring everyone was on break then, Kōrai, Wakatoshi and Fukurō must have come back to visit family too since they weren't a bother in the last video call you had together.

"I don't know." Again with the vacant look. Tobio was earning a scowl from you now. He only had a single beer with dinner too so he had no excuse to be this spacy. Seconds away from getting the grumpy side of you, he turns to meet your gaze, "I took a little bit of time off."

Wow.

There hadn't been anytime off since graduations. Not any on purpose that was. Tobio had been moving forward to make sure he wasn't left behind just like the others did after graduating. Getting to where he was now was no easy feat. For him to take a break was utterly concerning.

"Did something happened? With the guys? The Schweiden team are-"

"No, it was my choice." Tobio looked at you then down to your pair of drinks, "I had something bothering me."

"Alright you know what-" Huffing you square up with him across the patio table, "What the hell? First you don't tell me when you're getting here. Then you get here hours early and don't tell me. Your mom made you re-chop the garlic twice and you didn't say anything. And you haven't mentioned harassing Shoyo over the phone one time. What's up with you?"

Blue eyes staring at you from across the table. Much like the way he stared at you the day he told you he'd be going to Germany. Unlike then the stomach lurking feeling you got from that day didn't measure up to now. Tobio's fixed expression unreadable on his familiar yet so different face. You were looking at your friend but someone entirely new in front of you all at once.

Between the time you waited for an explanation and when he moved forward. Time sped up. His lips against yours before you knew it. In a moment so fleeting that you weren't able to do anything but stare at him when he came back into your full line of sight.

The way you didn't say anything sent him into the first real glimpse of an old fumbling fool, "Oh god no! I- That wasn't- Shit wait y/n no I-"

"You-" the word bubbled in your throat all at once, "-kissed me."

His blue eyes grew huge and the setter looked down at the lips of your hardly touched beer can, "I- Wait listen ok I-"

"Again."

"What?"

"Kiss me again."

Tobio's eyes darted up from the cans. You were looking at him. The same way you did across the gym all those years ago. With such a conviction that his skin tingled with lively vibrance nothing in the world compared to. He could feel his hairs stand on end like they were saluting you. And he bit his lip once nervously expecting you to back down. When you didn't though. He knew he had to.

Slowed down from before. To take a moment to savor everything about it lost in the urgency of the first one. Tobio's lips met yours like they were old friends. Kiss as tender as you imagined. It wasn't until your hands were up cupping his face. And his fingertips grazed the skin of your cheek as he did the same. Did you really make the realization of the knot of nerves in your stomach loosening all at once.

"...I came back to see you." Tobio confessed against your lips. He found his words even though he reluctantly didn't want the kiss to end, "I couldn't focus and- I wasn't doing great at practice- Things were off I just couldn't-"

"We talk every day," You give that out like it's the same. You're a liar if anything. None of it was the same and none of it would be the same now they you had the buzz of his lips against yours, "I don't understand- We just-"

"I think I love you-" Tobio blurted.

No going back now.

Cheeks as red as the day you first kissed his knuckles after nationals. Tobio could only blink a few dozen times as it was hard enough to think of the right words when he was focused. Now his mind was leaving him at a million miles an hour and everything he'd rehearsed was for nothing in this very moment. All Tobio could think of was the hum of your lips against his. Comparing it to how he always imagined it would feel. And realizing now, it was so much better than that.

He swore he could see his reflection in your eyes. Quickly Tobio tried to recoup the plan he had made on the plane ride, "I just- Hold on ok- It's just- Ever since we were kids- I guess a long time- And being in Germany- It feels weird away- I love it but it doesn't feel completely right- I came back to see you and- I didn't mean it exactly like-"

"I love you too." The words swelled in your chest like a school girl. Here you were in your twenties confessing like a fool. Somehow it felt better than keep it all in these years. You find more to go along with just blurting that out like he did, "I mean- I think I've known for a while- A long while. This feeling, I don't know a lot of things I guess since I don't travel the world like you. Even when you were so far away I couldn't shake this-"

All over again and for only the third time in a lifetime. Tobio leaned in and kissed you. Practice making perfect with him like always. This time his hands found yours to squeeze them tight. Fingers wrapping around your palms with the warm of them taking over your hands.

Tobio was slow. He waited an entire plan ride plus almost a decade to do this. Through break downs or break throughs, your lips lit up more in him than anything your name in his contacts could ever do.

[tamagochiie]

a line without a hook | part three.

part three. “merely tolerable, really.”

chapter synopsis. Had you known freedom tasted like this, you wouldn’t have bothered to form an attachment with Mr. Ackerman. Was there really a point in what you were doing? 

word count. 7.5k

tags. swearing, angst, tones of misogyny

notes. This is a very late post, and I apologize for that, but I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. As for the upcoming chapter for this week, there may been another delay. I’ve been swamped with a lot of assignments and its my finals week, so I hope you all understand :/ 

back to master list

<< part two. | part four. >>

Your mother always told you gossip to women is like honey to a swarm of flies: you can catch more of them depending how sweet the scandal is. But she never thought to tell you what it'd be like if you were the honey, that the women would stick to you, drinking the life out of every little thing you do and unpack it together with their girl friends over afternoon tea and biscuits.

Your name, along with Mr. Ackerman's, had travelled from one tongue to the other in the last four days.

Each story are more intricately fabricated than the last. You heard all sorts of things, too many thing to keep track of — something about Mr. Ackerman's family background and more so yours, but you didn't want to pay heed over something that didn't come directly from the man himself.

And just the other day, while you commuted to town to deliver Reiner's forgotten lunch, you overhead a group of women whispering that you were already singing with the church bells.

You had shuddered at the thought and assumed it was something your mother must've cooked up given how she easily melted at Mr. Ackerman's feet when he came to visit a few days ago.

You and Mr. Ackerman were both aware that his visit, and all the kind and loving words he had said before you and your family, were merely for show. And that it was for purpose of sweeping your house clean of all trespassers and violators of your freedom.

But nonetheless, even with a letter that came to heed you of his visit, you were still left utterly speechless.

Mr. Ackerman had strolled into your cozy home, he hadn't been swathed in his usual drab choice of clothing, but settled with more pleasing fashion that didn't say,"I'm pessimistic and moody, and I've got a reputation for killing for sport".

He had been bathed in shades of blue, but still leaned on the darker side of the color spectrum. It had been a good change save for his signature cravat, and it led you to wonder just how many he owned.

You came to the conclusion he owned quite enough to be stitched together and make a thick and long blanket to last through the winter.

However, what had left you gobsmacked and rapidly blinking in succession was not Mr. Ackerman's slight change of style, but the little smirk across his lips while he spoke to your mother. His tone hadn't been clipped and did not drip in annoyance, but was a twinge softer — completely out of pocket for a man with a reputation for being dark and brooding.

Sasha, on the other hand, had been easily tickled in pure curiosity by Mr. Ackerman, poking and prodding him with peculiar and rather personal questions. You had expected he'd yell at her, seeing he'd be the kind of person to do that.

But he didn't snap. It was obvious his patience had been wearing thing, so he kept his replies quick and short just like his temper.

Pieck never spoke a word, but had instead observed the exchange as she sat on the couch, sandwiched between Connie and Jean while your mother had done her best to entertain Mr. Ackerman in small talk even though the man reeks of disdain for it.

Though Mr. Ackerman had successfully wooed your mother, and probably the rest of your sisters and Connie, Reiner was anything but.

Your brother protectively glued himself to your side, glaring down at Mr. Ackerman with a vexed look plastered across his scruffy face. Unfortunately, Reiner's attempt to be intimidating had fallen short and made you not only you, but Mr. Ackerman, suppress a stifling laugh.

Regardless of your brother's wishes, Mr. Ackerman's visit had been deemed fruitful. Your mother's eyes as well as her heart completely set on Mr. Ackerman and Mr. Ackerman alone.

To which both requests you firmly nodded and smiled at.

But your smile had been quick to fade.

You agreed to this little sham because you admired your freedom, but ever since Mr. Ackerman's visit, despite no men coming to bother you from the early hours of the morning till the late afternoon, you find yourself anything but free.

Your mother, the seventh circle of your personal hell, has taken it upon herself to berate you—tells you to make more of an effort on your appearance. She'll comment on how you sit, how you speak or how you eat, and every other thing you do.

You may have been liberated by the lusting grips of men, your mother's iron clad hold on even the thought of you being a few steps away from marriage is much tighter, and much more stubborn than you ever imagined.

So you spend your days hidden in your room, away from your mother and the rest of the world.

Sometimes you'll read or stare out the window, and when you do decide to step out of your little bubble, you'll be sure to check if the coast is clear from any possibly ambushes from your mother.

Though the only time you really do go out is to check the mail to see if Mr. Ackerman has written to you — he has not — or spend some time with your great love, your horse, Maria.

But for the most part, you plant yourself on the couch right up against window sill with your back slumped on the wall and legs sprawled out. You stare outside, not really looking at anything in particular.

Maybe the chickens.

You heavily sigh, fogging up the class as you gaze idly, twirling the ends of your hair. You grow jealous of the chickens and the roosters because at least they have their freedom. Their simple minds and their simple lives; the lay eggs and crow at dawn.

Damn chickens, you seethe in thought.

There's a faint knocking on your bedroom door that cease your internal tanget. You turn your head as the door creaks open, revealing your sister, Sasha, poking her head out between the gap. A friendly smile adorns her pink lips as she holds a plate of food in her hands.

"Can I come in?" She asks, already stepping inside. "I brought you food. You've been cooped up in here for too long, I thought you might be hungry."

You chuckle and motion her to come in.

Sasha moves briskly and steps inside before shutting the door behind her. She tiptoes across the room and over to you. She lightly taps your foot to make room and you swing it off the couch.

She places the tray between the two of you. A few loaves of bread, some grapes, and other fresh fruit that you assume she's stolen from the batch Reiner's supposed to sell.

She swipes the loaf of bread, breaking it in half and hands you the bigger piece before chewing her's down.

"You alright?" She asks, her words muffled by the bread. "Mamma's gotten under your skin, hasn't she?"

You bob your head, humming in response as you eat the bread bit by bit, taking your time.

Sasha follows your line of sight, checking to see what you've been so keenly staring at. Only to find that it's just a bunch of chickens running around.

"I'm overwhelmed," You confess breathily. You pull your legs up to your chest and rest your chin onto your knees. "I don't like the feeling one bit."

"Is it because of Mr. Ackerman?" Sasha looks at you with concern outlining the softness of her face. You don't really reply, just lulling your head in thought. "You surprise me, you know."

"I do?"

Sasha hums delightfully as she takes her last bite of her bread before moving onto the grapes.

"For someone who admires her freedom and never spared an interest in even the thought of forming an attachment, you latched onto Mr. Ackerman rather quickly." Sasha had always been mistaken for an idiot at a surface level, but she's a lot more perceptive than people give her credit for — than you give her credit for. And for once, you hated it. "One could even say that it's a bit...odd. But you've always been off, so maybe it isn't so out of the blue."

"Oh, how you read me so well," You say, sarcasm oozing from your words. You take a quick bite of bread.

"What's he like?"

You shrug your shoulders, pouting in thought. "I've only ever met him thrice," You point out, laughing at the curiosity avidly pooling from her eyes. "There's not much I can judge. If anything, I think you'd know more than me since you've pummeled the poor man with one too many questions."

Sasha takes the tray of food and scooches closer to you before putting it on her lap.

"But that's different! You've gotten first hand experience. Is he really like all the rumors?" She asks, a little too keenly. "Is he really as mean as they say? Because when he visited the house, he seemed too stiff for comfort."

You snort and are quick to cover your mouth to keep the bread from spilling from your lips.

"Mm, well, Mr. Ackerman is man of few words and very few expression, but he seems...genuine?" You don't mean for it to come out sounding like a question, but the more you speak, the more you're hit with the realization you know absolutely no idea who the man is.

All you're really left with is his hatred for attention, and your mutual need for peace. Everything else you try to think of comes up short.

Mr. Ackerman hasn't written a letter to you since his visit. It's not like he said he was going to, but a very small and naive part of you thought he would.

Sasha continues to rain down on you with more questions, but it isn't as persistent as you'd expect her to be. Its either her line of concentration snaps too quickly for you to formulate a response, or she's just too excited to hear more.

You answer what you can until you can no longer think. Eventually you're too tired to talk about you and the subject of the conversation shifts to Sasha.

"Hey, Sasha," You carefully speak between chews, minding the grape in your mouth. Sasha's eyes, still colored in hunger as she takes another loaf of bread, darts to look at you. "What about you, though?"

"Hmm?"

"You and..." You shift in your seat and lean in. "You and Nicolo - are you two really - Oh! My God, are you alright?"

Sasha nearly chokes on her bread. Clenching her fist, she beats her chest to help soothe the burn in her throat, coughing for air.

"Sasha!"

"I-I'm fine!" She finally says, swallowing thickly. "Sorry, yes, I'm fine."

"Do you need water?" Sasha shakes her head as she rests her hand on your shoulder to keep you still in case you choose to leave. You move even closer to rub her back to ease her, but once she does, a smirk plays across your lips and chuckle stumbles from your lips. "So, I guess it's true. You and Nicolo really are —"

"Shut up!" Sasha interjects, her head snapping up to look at you with wide eyes and flushed cheeks. "Please! I've had enough of mamma pestering me about this— ever since Pieck decided to tattle on me! If you're going to being just as annoying as her than—"

"I won't be!" You argue, your tone playful and lilting. "I'm only asking, and you're taking forever to say anything!"

"Well, fine! Alright." Sasha sharply huffs in defeat as she tosses her bread onto the tray and sets it back onto the couch. "Yes, okay, I suppose I might have feelings for Nicolo, but I don't know. I can't tell."

"You can't tell...?"

Sasha lets out another breath as she slumps against the wall. Her head tilts up to look at the cracked ceiling before looking back down to you, her bottom lip caught between her teeth as she picks the right words to convey how she feels. She nervously twiddles her thumbs while doing so.

"How do you even know when you like someone?"

You blink at Sasha, taken aback by her question while she looks at you eagerly.

You realize, after a few breaths, you don't have a definite answer because unlike Pieck, you've never really experienced the feeling yourself. You always lived vicariously through fictional characters you read in novels, and Mrs. Bloom's sweet story of how she met her husband.

But other than that, you come up short—you can't tell at all.

"I think I'm the wrong one to ask." You confess, causing Sasha to look at you quizzically as confusion stirs in her mind. "I haven't really found the answer myself, I'm sorry."

Sasha sighs dejectedly.

"It's best to ask Pieck, isn't it?"

"As me what?" Pieck's voice, delicate and laced in curiosity, has your heads turn to the bedroom door.

It seems you were both too deep into your conversation to hear her knocking.

Pieck stands by the door, her olive green dress flows in the gentle window coming from the opened window, her hair into the usual messy, low ponytail that falls down her shoulders; her eyes heavy-laden with sleepiness.

Your eyes trail down to her hand, finding a pile of letters tightly held in it.

"Pieck, what's that?" You ask, dismissing her question with a question.

"Now hold on," Pieck hides the letters behind her back, pressing herself against the door to create even more distance—as if the wide expanse of the room wasn't enough. "What's the question?"

Sasha rolls her eyes. "It's silly."

"Well, if it's from you, I'm sure it is."

Sasha grumbles at Pieck's sarcastic retort, and you watch as your two sisters begin to bicker.

"If you're going to be an ass, I won't tell you." Sasha crosses her arms and twists her body away from Pieck and towards the window, her eyes falling to the clucking hens.

Peick nimbly trots across the floor and over to Sasha's side, crashing into her and quickly wrapping her arms around her shoulders, nosing through Sasha's hair bunched up in a high pony as she rests her chin onto her shoulder.

"Go away!" Sasha growls, her face contorts a sour expression as her attempts to shove Pieck off fails.

"Oh, c'moooon," Pieck coos, peppering kisses over her little sister's cheek, "won't you tell me? I hate being left out, especially when it's the two of you."

Sasha grunts as she tries to pry away from Pieck, but only to be caught in sloppy kisses on the cheek and the temple of her forehead. Though Sasha visibly shows disgust, even you can see that she loves being showered in affection from Pieck.

Pieck, being the eldest and holding the most responsibility, had always held you both with great love and adoration.

"Alright!" Sasha yells in surrender, tangled in the arms of her sister and somehow in a headlock as Pieck sits behind her. "I'll tell you, I'll tell you! Let me go and give me room, please."

Sasha elbows Pieck away from her, giving her enough space to breathe, and you snatch the tray off the couch and onto your lap to keep it from falling.

And as Sasha begins to explain her little dilemma, Pieck comfortably sits herself behind her, propping her chin back onto her shoulder and winding her arm around her waist as she listens intently. Pieck's gentleness doesn't go unnoticed by Sasha, and you watch as she sinks in the hug.

Pieck clicks her tongue, her eyes look at you as she falls into a thought, not deep enough to overthink and get carried away as she finds the answer.

"Hmmm, love and likeness can be complicated, but only if you let it be." You tilt your head at Pieck as she continues on her train of thought. "But you can tell if you like someone if you enjoy being with them and find their company pleasant. Do you find Nicolo's company pleasant?"

Sasha mindlessly hums in thought as her head lulls back on Pieck's shoulder.

"I do, actually." Sasha admits without hesitation. "I think..." She takes a beat to suck her teeth as she continues to think about it a little more, "I like the food he makes and that he, well, never seems to be bothered by me..."

"He's always so kind—like his eyes. His smile's nice, too, I suppose. Whenever he speaks, whether it's about food or well, other things, I can't help but listen."

There it is, the shimmer of affection in her light brown eyes and the oh-so-subtle smile across her lips. You almost miss it, but the world stills around you as you're caught in her bubble.

Pieck gives you a knowing look, smiling playfully.

Without saying a word or even slipping a sound, you and Pieck come to the agreement that Sasha'll have to come to her own realization that he loves him. The question is when she'll arrive at it.

Sasha brushes it off, not wanting to muddle herself any longer. She plucks the letters from Pieck's grasp and eagerly swifts through the pile while humming thoughtfully, completely ignoring Pieck's groan of disdain.

It's the usual; a couple of people from your father's family, inquiring when you're to sell the estate, one from your distant aunt from your mother's side that never bothers to actually visit, but diligently sends letters whether it be rain or shine, and one for —

"You've got a letter!" Sasha chirps, snapping her head up to look at you before shoving it into your hands. "It's from Mr. Ackerman! He's finally written to you!"

You throw your legs over the edge of the couch, sitting upright and fixing your hair as if Mr. Ackerman's just right there, watching you as you open his letter with shaky breaths and nimble fingers.

You quickly but carefully open his letter, scanning through his words and your eyes bulge out of it's sockets.

"What's it say?" Pieck inquires, excitement dripping from her lips as she scooches closer to try and peak at the letter. "Will he be visiting again?"

You shake your head.

"Well, don't be shy!" Sasha whines, "What is it?"

You open and close your mouth, blinking frantically as your shock still rides through your body. "Mr. Ackerman would like me to visit him at his estate next Tuesday."

When your mother heard news of your presence being requested by Mr. Ackerman, she took it upon herself to teach everything you needed to know about being "prim and proper". She stole your remaining days of peace and prepped you as best as she could.

When it came time for you to leave, she was adamant that you opt to take horseback instead of taking the carriage. All, especially your brother Reiner, were completely against it when they noticed the storm clouds reeling in. But your mother was deeply rooted in her stance, firm like a tree that not even the wind of your brother's disdain could change her mind.

So there you stand, having been caught in the rain, dripping from head to toe as the Smith estate towers over you, as if it's ready to swallow you whole in one go. You have to crane your neck back in a particularly painful angle to get a good look of the entire building, and you’re sure you’re only seeing the very tip of the iceberg.

Your mother warned you it would be much larger than you were used to - you just never imagined it to look like something out of a book.

Shivering and tightly wrapping your coat over you to trap any warmth you might have left with one hand, you swiftly knock on the door with the other. A shuddering breath escapes you when the door creaks open, revealing a servant to greet you in.

“Ah, Miss,” The servant’s eyes widen in fright, flinching back.  His gulp is audible even with the thundering behind you. He scans you from head to toe, and he doesn’t bother to mask his sneering at your drenched frame and all the mud collected at the hem of your skirt. “You must be Miss Blouse, yes?” You greeted him with a sneeze, and briefly apologized. “Come quickly before you catch a cold.”

But your second and most aggressive sneeze yet tells him you might already have one.

“He’s been expecting you,” Is all the servant says before guiding you down that hall.

You rub your eyes, wiping your hairs sticking to your face as you take in the sight before you. The air in the estate is chilly and deadly quiet - enough to hear the sound of your clothes dripping with water and to catch the servant clicking his tongue at you.

You hold your breath; you didn’t think the estate could get any bigger, but it does. The hallway is vast and seemingly endless; portraits of many different men and women - all who you assume were probably family members of Mr. Smith because of the signature blonde hair and blue eyes - canvas over the great walls.

Giddiness tickles down from your chest and into your stomach as you trail behind the servant, your arms swaying to the side with a little skip in your step. You try your best to catch a peak at every room and hall you pass by, but everything moves in blur.

You can’t tell if you’re tired from your travels or if it's the pace you’re walking in. You take deep breaths, trying to pull yourself together as the servant ushers you into the drawing room.

“Mr. Ackerman will be here shortly,” is all he leaves you with, not bothering to spare another breath.

You’re surrounded by more paintings and books, but a particular painting catches your eye. It’s a portrait of a woman relaxed on a chair; she looks nothing like the ones outside.  She has soft features and kind eyes, her lips supple and plump with an endearing smile. Her dark hair flows down to her shoulders, framing her face.

You squint your eyes, inching towards it with your hands clasped behind your back to avoid reaching out to touch it. The longer you stare, you find a weird sense of familiarity in her. But you just can’t -

“You’re wet.” You snap your head towards the gravelly voice to find Levi standing by the door with his brows pulled down in horror. “You’ve tracked in so much rain water, I thought a dog had stalked in.”

“Oh, I’m quite fine - achoo! Thank you for asking - achoo!” Your feeble attempt to shoot down his sarcastic remark is embarrassingly interrupted by your persistent sneezing. You wipe your nose with the back of your glove, earning a look of disgust from Mr. Ackerman. “Excuse me, I got caught in the rain.”

“I couldn’t tell,” He clips with a tight lip. “You could catch a cold -”

“Achoo!”

“It seems you already have…” Mr. Ackerman groans, and you find yourself picking at your fingers in embarrassment, your head lowered to the floor. “Follow me, I’ll give you something to change out of.”

Mr. Ackerman wastes a single breath, nor does he allow you to. But instead, with the utmost jaded expression on his face, he turns on his heels and leaves the room, expecting you to follow. You have to admit, with a fuzzy feeling buzzing in your head and the sudden sensitivity to the ache in your bones, it takes you a moment to pick up what he says and follow suit.

Has it always been this chilly?

A tremble in your damp coat, exhaling tremulously as you trot down the hall behind Mr. Ackerman. Your struggle for warmth doesn’t fall on dear ears, but it does motivate him to pick up the pace, up the winding steps and into another hallway.

Your shoes continue to click against the marble, passing by paintings and statues; for a moment you mistaken yourself to be wandering around a museum and not someone else’s home. But your head is spinning and you can’t appreciate the art even if you wanted you - you can’t even glance at a painting without wanting to vomit.

Mr. Ackerman comes to a jagged halt, causing you to nearly stumble against him. He glares at you over his shoulder.

“Sorry,” You mutter before stumbling a few steps back to give him space.

“Wait in there,” He instructs dryly, “and I’ll get someone to help you in a bit.”

“Oh, I - I don’t understand -”

“You have a cold,” He points out, “and I don’t think you’ll appreciate it if it were me helping you change out of your clothes.”

Your cheeks flush and your heart paces quickly in your chest; embarrassment overwhelms you and you wish the ground would swallow you up. He’s too direct and it makes your knees a little wobbly along with the rest of your body - you’ve turned into jello.

“Just wait in there and there’ll be a maid to bring you clothes. I’ll meet you again once you’re done.”

“Oh, uh, thank you.” You whisper, your eyes finally snap from the floor and meet Mr. Ackerman’s same old arid visage, but there’s a tenuous, unfamiliar gleam in his eyes you can’t seem to read.

He sternly nods, but just before trodding off you call after him, “Mr. Ackerman?” Your voice hushed and trembly.

“Yes, Miss Blouse?” He watches you expectantly, his head faintly tilting to the side. “Is there something else?”

Ironically, despite Mr. Ackerman coldness and indifference, you can feel that he cares - his warmth. And you can’t help but feel dangerously eager, a little selfish even, for wanting more. You can’t help but want to push further, but you’re reminded of the rumors and prefer not to push your luck.

“Thank you,” You say with a smile, a genuine one that catches him off guard, but not that you can tell with your glossy eyes.  “Thank you fo - achoo! I appreciate your kindness, Mr. Ackerman.”

There’s a very, very subtle blush that spreads across his cheeks that reaches the tips of his ears, and maybe if it wasn’t for the odd lightly in the hallway, you would’ve caught it. But once again, Mr. Ackerman thanks his lucky stars and gulps, “Don’t mind it too much,” and spins on his heels before striding down the hallway.

You watch till his footsteps fade and his slender frame disappears as he turns the corner before finally looking at the door beside you. You stare at the door knob, your hand fidgeting over it before finally taking it in your hand and opening the door.

You gasp in awe, your eyes going round - the room can eat your house in a single bite. Even the bed that sits at the center, headboard pushed up against the wall, is bigger than the one your share with Pieck. Maybe bigger than the bed your mother and father shared.

You step inside, pushing the door shut behind you before twirling and taking in all the green and gold in the room. You’ve never seen so much gold - you’ve never seen gold in general, but here you are completely surrounded by it.

The strident knocking on the door causes you to still, staggering over your feet to find a familiar face greeting you with a cheerful smile, balancing a folded pile of clothes in their hand.

“Hange!” You squeak in shock, nearly losing your balance.

“Miss Blouse,” They playfully salute to you before entering in completely. “I saw you come in earlier and Levi said you’d be in here, so I thought to help. Though he did oppose, I'm not one to follow orders anyway.”

They cleverly wink at you, stretching their arm out to hand you the clothes and you meekly take it.

“How are you feeling?” They ask, taking a seat on the bed, “You can change over there, behind the partition,” They point to the other side of the room where it stands beside the window, and you quickly shuffling behind it.

You finally peel off your clothes, finally being freed by way your damp clothes and the way it clung to your body. You sigh heavily, tremulously.

“So, how are you feeling?” Hange’s voice echoes in the room from where they sit. They lean back on the heel of their palms, lulling their head bad carelessly as they wait for your response. “Levi said you might have a cold, and luckily for you, I’m a doctor.”

You hum in response, your focus directed on changing your clothes as quickly as possible.

“I’m, uh, I think I’m okay,” There’s a tingling in your skin and an unbearable ache in your bones. Your whole body feels sensitive; you’re not sure if you feel chilly or too warm. But you don’t want to be a burden, especially since you’re already borrowing someone else's clothes.

Whose are these anyway? You can’t imagine these are Hange’s, it’s way too small.

“He said you were sneezing!” They say, their voice slightly raising. “That you were sneezing a lot.”

“Probably just allergies!” You try and laugh it off, hoping Hange doesn’t press any further. But much to your displeasure, Hange isn’t one to simply let things go.

But the moment you step out from the partition, tying your hair up to keep from staining the dress, Hange strides over to you, placing her wrist onto your forehead and hums.

“You’re sick.”

“I’m fine.” You press.

“You’re a liar.”

“I'm not!” The whine that escapes your dried lips, takes enough energy from you to have your vision grow spotty and have your knees give in. Hange loops their arm around your waist and you slump onto their chest for support. “Right, maybe I am a liar,” You admit breathily, your eyes fluttering shut. “I’m really sorry, this is extremely impolite and my mother would kill me if she found me like this.”

“Never mind what your mother says,” They sigh before helping you over to the bed, “nothing good will come of thinking about what your mother says,”

You laugh softly, finding irony in their words.

The cushions are warm and comforting, pulling you into ease as you’re swayed by your need for rest. You try to combat it by blinking away, but drowsiness overtakes you like an unrelenting storm and you fall perilous to it the second your head sinks into the pillows.

You're greeted by a sharp, persistent ache in your head and a stubborn throb in your bones. You moan in discomfort and writhe beneath the cotton bed sheets.

You feel something cold dripping down your head, but before you can reach to check, you feel a wet cloth being placed on your forehead. You crack your eyes open and draw a bitter breath to find Mr. Ackerman towering over you. His brows pulled into a deep line of focus and his eyes colored in determination as if its taking all his verve to adjust the way the towel sits on your head.

He looks down at you and his expression softens.

It softens?

"You're awake," Mr. Ackerman notes. Maybe its the sickness, and that you're probably imagining it, but does Mr. Ackerman's tone sound a lot gentler? Its almost as if he's concerned for your well-being — almost as if he's worried and relieved you're finally awake. But his face remains unreadable, devoid of emotion. "You've been asleep for quite some time, but your temperature seemed persistent. Hange said as long as the rag is frequently changed then you should be better. How are you feeling?"

Does that mean he's been changing the rag? He said it should 'changed frequently' —

You arch your back when the ache in your bones come back stronger than ever. You whine in pain and drown back into the mattress.

"I don't feel too well," You croak, swallowing dryly.

"Do you need water?"

You can only nod.

Mr. Ackerman swiftly reaches for the glass of water that sits on the bedside table. You try and sit up , your bones feel like chalk as it grates against each other. You try to take it from him, but he raises his free hand to stop you. “Let me,” is all he says to you before bringing it up to your lips.

Baffled, you still drink it.

Your thoughts are still too foggy to draft a single thought. But all you is know your heart’s drumming in your chest and your breath is hitched in your throat for an entirely different reason that’s far from your cold.

You sigh in relief after a few gulps, muttering a ‘thank you’.

“Mr. Ackerman, you said that I’ve been asleep for quite some time,” You recount, looking at him puzzled, “How long have I been asleep?”

“Two days.” He replies flatly, as if he's not bothered by it at all.

“Excuse me?”

Mr. Ackerman hums as he falls back into his chair grabbing the book beside him before opening it up to the page he left off.

“You needn’t worry,” He eases without looking up to meet your eyes, as unbothered by the worry screaming in your eyes. “I’ve already written a letter to your mother the moment you fell asleep and informed her of your current state.”

“And what did she say of it?”

“She deeply apologizes for overstaying your welcome, but is pleased to know you’re in good hands.” Mr. Ackerman turns to the next page before he crosses his legs. His eyes flicker up to look at you to find irritation seeping out of your through eyes narrowed at an empty space on the floor, chewing on the inside of your cheek “I assured her that **you are in good hands, Miss Blouse.”

“I’m sorry,” You apologize again for the umpteenth time as you stressfully run your fingers through your hair. “My mother must’ve planned this in hopes that I may grow closer to you.”

Mr. Ackerman cocks his brow at you, “Are you blaming your mother for your cold? Shouldn’t you be blaming the weather, or that you rode on horseback on a rainy day?”

"I cannot blame my mother for my cold or the weather, but I can blame her for scheming along with it." You sigh, leaning your head back onto the pillow, "My mother is an opportunist, so she must've seen the rain clouds as her 'moment to grasp'. She was adamant that I take horseback and not that carriage. My mother is many things, but most importantly, she's a scheming woman."

Much to your surprise, Mr. Ackerman smirks at your words. He smirks.

He licks his thumb before turning the page of his book, his eyes ghosting over the words without much intention to actually read.

"What are you doing?" You ask, twisting to face him, your hand tucking beneath the side of your face.

"I'm reading." He isn't.

"Here?"

"Would you rather I not keep you company?" His grey eyes blink away from the page and up at you. "Isn't this the whole point of your visit, to get o know each other?"

"W—Well, yes, but I didn't think you'd take our proposition quite literally." You voice falls soft at the end of your sentence and you feel yourself shrink in embarrassment.

"How else are we to make them believe we've formed an attachment?"

"Oh, well—"

"Is my company a bother?"

You shake your head. "Is mine?"

Mr. Ackerman chuckles and if it weren't for the whirling of your brain, you would've caught it. "Merely tolerable, really. You best get some rest, Miss. Blouse."

When you awaken again, it’s a little later in the afternoon and the sun is harshly bleeding through the glass window and casting over your face.

The first thing you notice is not the freshly changed rag resting over your forehead, but the empty chair that Mr. Ackerman sat himself earlier. You pout and you feel a little disappointed.

Disappointed?

What?

You prop yourself up on your elbows, drawing a sigh of relief. The smell of fresh sheets permeate your lungs and your tilt your head back before tilting it back up again.

Through your hooded gaze, your eyes scan through the room. You finally appreciate just how beautifully decorated it is. Shades of complimentary greens canvas the room and soft golds accent the room here and there. It’s ingrained in the walls and on the doors, and coloring the the bed posts, too.

With nimble fingers, you peel the covers off and a wave of cool air washes over your body.The floor is just as cold when your feet meet the carpet. You shuffle around the room, nosing through things but never really touching anything. You're too scared you might accidentally break something.

But the thirst of your curiosity has yet to be quenched, so you find yourself straying out the room, trotting down the hall and twirling around the space gleefully.

The estate is something written in the books. If it wasn't for the dreary, unsettling air hanging over you as thick as fog, the feeling would be magical.

Too busy to play make believe in your head, you find yourself too far off the path. Everything looks the same, and you eyes widen in panic.

Think, think, think, you chant inwardly, twisting your head around for something familiar.

Panic rises from your chest and lodges into your throat, and the last thing you need is to fall onto Mr. Ackerman's bad side.

But before your knees can shake in such unnerving trepidation, faint whispers echoing down the hall and towards you pull you from your thoughts. The voice are so faint and low, you nearly mistaken it to be elves.

You listen intently and follow the source, passing through a few more paintings and doors to lead you to a fragment of light bouncing off the wall and onto a door left ajar. You come to an immediate standstill when you recognize the voice — it's Mr. Ackerman.

Every inch of you tells you to turn around and walk away, but you aren't your mother's daughter for nothing. So the greater part of you belonging to her tugs you close, stealing a peak through the little gap as you hold your breath.

"When did you hear of this?" Mr. Ackerman's voice is gravelly, laced in annoyance. You hear him sharply huff followed by the sound of a hand slamming against the table, causing you to jolt in place. "How long have you known?"

"Not long," The unfamiliar, gruff voice says, and Levi grumbles. "Be thankful I'm telling you now and not waiting any longer. How could I with all your dallying? Since when have you taken any interest in marriage?"

"I haven't." He clips, tone dry. "The point is —"

"The point is, he's back and the last thing you need to do is wasting your time in courting a woman. Honestly, Levi, since when have you been so reckless?"

"Erwin," Mr. Ackerman grits, "my personal affairs have nothing to do with you. Who I choose to spend my time with has nothing to do with you."

"It has everything to do with me!" Mr. Smith seethes, yelling in a whispers. "If you cannot do your job, then how can I trust you? Do you not remember the reason why we're here?"

"I'm not an idiot."

"It seems that you are," Your eyes widen at Mr. Smith's counter, "she's slept here for two days, and you for two days, you've watched over her instead of doing what I've instructed you to do."

"She was sick." Mr. Ackerman argues flatly.

"Hange is a doctor for a reason."

"And I don't trust them for a reason."

You can only assume it's Mr. Smith who sighs dejectedly and clicking his tongue agitation. It only further piques your interest, and you wish it doesn't. But you can't help it, hearing that Mr. Ackerman stayed by your side while you rested made your cheeks burn and you can't help but grin to yourself, completely overjoyed.

You mentally kick yourself for being so much like your mother.

"You cannot hold that burden with you forever." Mr. Smith sighs.

"Whatever," Is the weak counter Mr. Ackerman spits back. "I'll take care of it tonight — the one of Governor Pixy's."

"Be sure to make yourself like an artificial night when you do." Mr. Smith commands, his voice smooth and stern. "You mustn't be caught."

"When have I ever been?"

You quickly leave, sprinting down the hall the moment you hear a chair grating against the floor.

Your heart drums in your chest and you breath tremulously. You heard something you shouldn't have even if it was only in incoherent pieces. Truly, it could be anything, but with the rumors circulating around him, it shouldn't be so surprising.

So why is it?

You find yourself in a more familiar part of the estate and you breathe out in relief.

You’re about to head back into your room when you stumble past a room, catching a glance of a grand piano standing tall from the corner of your eye. You retract your steps and turn your head to get a better look, your lips falling into an 'o' when you do.

She's beautiful, you think.

It’s an alluring, glossy ebony piano — one Sasha finds herself drooling over to play on whenever she sees one. She'll hate you so much when you tell her about it.

Against your better judgement, with all the bells warily ringing for you not to, you walk over to the piano, your hand shadowing over the wood. You take a seat before the keyboard just to take a good look at her. You have no intention to play her, really. Even if you wanted to, you couldn't for the life of you.

Your eyes flicker to the fall board of the piano and find a name engraved in gold.

"Petra," you whisper. "It's very nice to meet you. You're very beautiful, aren't you?"

"What the hell are you doing?" You shoot up from the chair and snap your head up to find Mr. Ackerman fuming at you. His eyes dark with rage and his jaw screwed shut, gritting at you. "I asked you a question."

"I— I didn't touch anything." You peep. You feel incredibly small underneath his scrutinizing gaze. You wish the ground would swallow you up right then and there. "I, I really didn't—"

"Get the fuck away from her." Mr. Ackerman speaks lowly, his voice quietly trembling, but you can't hear it. 

Even if you hadn’t done anything wrong, you feel as if you’ve been caught red handed. Fear buzzes in your head and fogs up any line of thought. 

"I'm sorry?"

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE PIANO!" He bellows, his eyes as fiery as his anger, causing you to stumble back and nearly trip up on your feet. "Who the fuck do you think you are, wandering into places you have no business? Is this what you shitty farm people are like? You get a chance to walk into a place thrice the size of your home and they think they could just parade around?!"

"I—I didn't mean to —"

"You and your family are fucking disgusting."

There are many things you're willing to put up with. You don't mind if someone were to come after you and call you out, but coming after your family is completely different. So your kindness and the very last bit of your patience snaps like a twig.

"I would imagine you're the disgusting one." Your voice is still small, but you’re building up to your confidence, peeling your eyes away from the patterned carpet to stare daggers right back at Mr. Ackerman who stills completely.

"Excuse me?"

"I'll admit I've overstepped and I deeply apologize for that," You begin, your voice no longer wavering in fear, "but how dare you? My family’s been nothing but kind to you."

"I think you've mistaken that I fucking care."

"I've heard many things about you, too many, for that matter. Yet I never labelled as anything as derogatory as what you've called me." You draw out a sharp breath, closing your eyes for a moment to steady you heart before continuing, "I think its disgusting, I think,  that such a man as yourself, who've I've heard has been through hell and back, would think so lowly of people that's no different than him."

You never dared to listen to the rumors or any of the gossip. Even when your mother would try to entertain any of it, you’d stop listening or leave the room if you could. But if Mr. Ackerman was willing to aim for such a low blow, you couldn't think of a reason why you shouldn't do the same.

"I think you’re 'fucking disgusting' for forgetting where you came from."

Mr. Ackerman clenches his jaw and balls his fits tight til his knuckles paint white. He's ready to fire bullets into your self-esteem, but before Mr. Ackerman can even utter a syllable, a servant appears behind him, clearing his throat to cut of the momentum.

"Apologies for the intrusion," The servant says, his tone monotonous and dry, "but it Miss Blouse's brother is here to collect her."

You widen your eyes at the servant, and your expression softens. 

“Reiner’s here?” You voice is small again. 

“Yes, Miss.”

"Perfect." Mr. Ackerman huffs, his whole body still tense. "Get the fuck out."

You snap your gaze back to Mr. Ackerman, sneering, "Gladly."

tag list. @castellandiangelo @astronomyturtle @regalillegal @oshuncheyenne @drapetomaniaac @whalerus @hinaamaya @ggsmashgg @kyosugi92 @daikushiji @acker-baby @lundabean @moonxochu @melodiamore @unlikelyfestivalshepherdhuman @osmosly @halparkebitch @leashaoki @bonkybabe @myeg1993 @chikenbitches @subtlepjiminie @mangobee

[skellebonez]

I AM SORRY FOR THIS SKELLE BUT I MUST: 5 (kidnapping them was the only way I was going to get them here),6 (let's make a deal, shall we?) and 41 (can you teach me how to do that) with the demon bull fam and mk with a little hint of 64 (I may have eaten seven of them already). NOW GO HAM MY DUDE

Oh I had way too much fun with this one. I took S2E4 (spoilers mentioned for that!) and some tweets made by one of the show producers on the same day as fuel for a very silly idea I had. I don't write what can be considered "Crack treated seriously" (or at least semi-seriously, this is not a 100% serious fic) often but when I do I go hard. This is more focused on MK and others than SpicyNoodles so it's a bit more gen fic than a full on ship fic as well.

Kidnapping them was the only way I was going to get them here/Let's make a deal, shall we?/Can you teach me how to do that?/I may have eaten seven of them already.

"Red..." MK started off slowly, watching as his boyfriend's face flushed and twisted in embarrassment. "Can you tell me why your mother showed up at my apartment and used her wind vortex thing to teleport us here without an explanation? And then left us in your..." He looked around, noting that aside from the excessively large throne and two smaller thrones beside it this room looked like a... "Living room? On a couch?"

"I can-" Red Son started, raising a hand before pausing a frowning deeply. "Actually, no, I can't explain. This is just weird, even by my parent's standards. I have no idea what is going on, but since you're still here..." He shrugged with a hopeful smile, shaky through the uncertainty. "Maybe it's not bad? I mean, if Mother was truly upset or wanted to do something bad surely she would have not left us to our own devices. Maybe she’s... uh... happy I finally have a boyfriend?”

At the pointed raise of an eyebrow from MK that hopeful smile faltered a bit. Happy Red Son had a boyfriend for the first time in a couple centuries? Under different circumstances he wouldn't doubt that! Happy when that boyfriend was MK?

Oh he did doubt that.

He knew that they shouldn't have been sneaking around the way they had been. It had made sense at first, two people on opposite sides of a feud lasting centuries who discovered they actually enjoyed spending time together more than fighting each other. One who decided he very much would rather not follow through with any kind of domination and see his family hurt, who realized "actually my sworn nemesis isn't so bad", and another who decided "my life is already weird enough, why not give this befriending my enemy thing a shot".

And then one thing lead to another and before they knew it their secret friend meet up became a secret boyfriend meet up. They'd managed to keep everything under wraps for a while (except from Mei because, well... she was his best friend! He couldn't not tell someone and she would have found out fast if he wasn't obvious, and she had quickly become a mutual source of support for both of them), though MK knew Pigsy and the others knew something was up. They didn't question him, though, aside from the occasional good natured jab. "Wow MK, you seem happy today. Got any plans?" and that sort of thing. They seemed to trust him to make his own decisions, as long as he was happy and healthy and eventually told them. (Sun Wukong, however, may have caught in a little when he jokingly asked if MK had gotten a boyfriend and MK had choked on his drink. He never brought it up specifically after that but he was smart. Too smart.)

Red Son, on the other hand, was fantastic at keeping secrets when he tried. Or MK thought he was... the last few months gave no indication that either of his parents had discovered their little sneaky rendezvous. Then Princess Iron Fan broke into his apartment and, well, here they are. Clearly something had gone wrong somewhere along the line.

Before MK could follow through with any questions of whether or not there could be a fate worse than instant death that involved lulling him into a false sense of security, the two men froze at the sound of quickly approaching voices.

“Could this not have been done another way, my dear?”

“Kidnapping them was the only way I was going to get them here, you know that. Noodle Boy is not that gullible, contrary to what we first believed.”

Ah... shit... Red Son’s parents.

Mk quickly ran through all the possessions he had in his apartment and wondered if he had time to text Mei or Pigsy the world’s fastest will and testament and if that would be legally binding. He just hoped he had something for Pigsy to handle the Phantom Orderer they'd had for the last year.

They always ordered on the app and prepaid and managed to leave him a sizeable tip in his tuk-tuk after he dropped off the food at whatever random location they indicated.

"Good," PIF's voice rang clear, far faster than he could even attempt to pull out his phone, and MK turned to see that she was casually lounging on the shoulder of the Demon Bull King. She jumped down, her wind lightening her fall so much so that she barely made a sound when her feet touched ground. "You've made yourself comfortable."

MK couldn't bring himself to move, as much as he very dearly wanted to run away as quickly as possible. Yes, he was The Monkie Kid and had progressed far enough that he could probably escape without much problem. Yes, he and DBK had had an understanding after the White Bone Spirit and Lunar New Year Festival (though he still didn't know if PIF ever found out about that one). Yes, Princess Iron Fan had shown little interest in him before and had even worked beside him with no complaints (she didn't even care enough to attack during the Food Wars thing!). But that was all before she apparently found out he was dating her son behind her back while they were technically still enemies.

He was glad at that moment that she had grabbed them before they went to get lunch... his stomach was doing back flips that would make a gymnast jealous.

"Uh, yes Miss-Mrs-Muh-M- Princess Iron... Fan?" MK couldn't help but stutter awkwardly, holding onto the hem of his jacket and worrying it as he tried to keep his composure. He looked beside him, watching as Red sat straighter and kept an even expression on his face that he couldn't quite place. His hair seemed to spark softly.

Though she raised a brow at this, PIF didn't comment on that at all. Instead she made her way to the other couch across from them as opposed to what was clearly supposed to be her throne, leaning forward right her elbows on her knees and her fingers laced together in front of her. DBK stopped behind her, seemingly content to stay standing.

"Noodle Boy... you prefer to go by MK, is that correct?" She started, and he nodded slowly in confused response. "Hmn... so. You've been dating my son for quite some time. Many months... no, a bit over a year if I am not mistaken in how long his behavior has changed." 'Oh shit' went MK's brain. "You must be quite serious, if you're willing to go through so much just to see each other. Late night meetings. Secret hideaways. Sneaking onto Flower Fruit Mountain, even." 'Oh SHIT' it repeated in horror. "That's quite the dedication to show toward anyone... I hate to admit it, but I am quite impressed." 'OH SH-wait what?'

"Bw-huh?" Was what MK managed out, half a sound that was almost a word and half a squeak of confusion.

"The fact I myself remained oblivious until only a few weeks ago is quite something. Let's make a deal, shall we?" She continued, sitting back straight and looking like the proud Princess she was and not like a woman sitting on a couch that looked comically small in front of her enormous husband. "You and Red Son no longer have to hide your relationship from us and in exchange..." she paused, as if relishing the building tension between herself and the couple before her. "You will come over at least once a week so we can get to actually know you properly."

MK froze. Red Son froze even more.

Then his entire head lit ablaze as he jumped up and gestured at his mother with a gaping mouth. "Th-that's it!? I-I was... I was RIGHT!?"

PIF barely reacted to this, merely lounging sideways as she put her elbow on the arm of the couch and rested her cheek on her hand.

"Whatever you were right about, I suppose you were. But yes," she shrugged, honestly looking... kinda happy? "Has this been about a year ago I perhaps would not have understood what you saw in Nood-MK. But I can see how happy you have been lately, and there's something about him that is like... what did you say he was like, darling?" She turned to DBK, who shrugged himself with an unreadable expression.

"A ball of sunshine given human form."

... that was not what MK ever expected to hear from the Demon Bull King's mouth...

"Yes, that's it," she nodded as if this was completely normal and ignored how Red Son flopped back down onto the couch and stared at the ceiling. "I'd hate to admit it, but you've grown on us through out sparse interactions. Somehow. And we have been eagerly waiting for the day we could finally welcome someone into our son's life. So what do you say? Do we have a deal?"

She seemed... serious. MK may not know her that well, but it was clear to anyone when she wasn't being so.

"Uh... o-ok? Sure?" MK said softly, nodding in amazement as DBK and PIF actually smiled at this.

This was the strangest day of his life, beating our every single demon fight and even the day he got the Monkey King's staff. But he'd take this strangeness over the alternative 500 times over.

"Excellent," DBK nodded himself, there was a lot of that about. "That seems to have worked out n-"

Everyone paused at a loud grumble echoed the room, all turning to Red Son as he flared up in embarrassment this time.

"Don't look at me like that, we were supposed to eat half an hour ago and I am starving," Red Son grumbled as he sat up, not looking anyone in the eye. "I don't suppose we could. Eat now? Please?"

Despite the situation, MK couldn't help but smile at his pouting.

"I could bring us some food from Pigsy's?" MK offered in an attempt to contribute. Something. "I mean, I know Red likes it and you kinda seemed to like it the one time you tried it and... uh... yeah."

"Actually... I may have eaten seven of them already..." PIF admitted, looking away in embarrassment. "l've tried not to give into the temptation, but your father's noodles from the Food Wars were so... I just can't resist ordering some secretly after 5 or so weeks!"

"So you're the phantom orderer!" MK gasped out in shock, but after a moment he frowned and rubbed the back of his head. He had a bit of an idea. "Well... I could... make some for us instead?" He ammended his offered softly. "I may not make it exactly like Pigsy does, but I can get pretty close as long as you have the ingredients! And you wouldn't have to worry about me going there and coming back! We can eat like. Immediately!"

"I think that sounds acceptable," PIF said with a nod as she stood, but MK could see a bit of excitement sparkling in her usually cold eyes. "Come, Red Son. I need to discuss some upgrades the Bull Clones have been asking for with you. Your father can assist him in the kitchen until we are done."

Red looked over at MK and only stood to follow his mother once he nodded, giving his father a pointed look before exited the room. MK, in the meantime, looking up at DBK with a gulp and followed him as he lead the way toward their kitchen.

It was... well, bigger than he was used to. But pretty normal, regal size and decor aside. And it seemed, once he was given the nod of ok from his host (and wasn't that a bizarre thing, DBK and PIF being his hosts on a home visit to his boyfriend's parents... he was going to need to get used to that) he checked the fridge and counters and found he had just about everything he needed to make what he had in mind.

"Can you teach me how to do that?" DBK asked after a moment, startling MK into nearly dropping the sauce he needed for the broth. "Not the recipe itself, just..." He gestured to the counter. "Red Son has a bit of a proclivity toward cooking and he's been trying to get me involved, but we've never cooked anything like. That."

His words were awkward and stilted, but MK could tell he was trying. The same way he could tell PIF wasn't kidding with her offer. They just seemed to... want to get to know him as a potential... son-in-law... huh.

"Sure, but you're gonna want to shrink down a bit for this."

Lunch turned out amazing and, while awkward (much like most of the day)... it was nice not to have to hide their dating for once. And Red actually seemed pretty happy! Though he learned quickly that the Monkey King was still a bit of an (understandably) sore subject that was best avoided. For now.

Maybe not forever though.

(When PIF very not subtly dropped him and Red Son both off inside Pigsy's Noodles after their lunch, the only response he got was a "oh, so they finally found out huh? Looks like things went well" from Pigsy and Tang. Maybe he wasn't as sneaky as he thought he was...)

[cantteachanoldguardnewquotes]

Of Course He Said Yes.

Read on AO3

Summary: Nicky finds the perfect rings and decides it's high time he proposes to his husband again.

No warnings apply.

*The poetry I used is not mine I combined some different lines I found on the internet*

"Oh." Nicky said aloud then quickly looked around to be sure no one else had heard him. He was in the clear. Joe had ran next door to get them iced tea while Nicky looked around the antique store, and no one else was around.

He looked back at the box with two of the most beautiful rings he'd seen in a long time. One was silver with a light sea blue winding around it and the other was the same color of blue with silver winding around it. He picked one up and realized there was half of a tiny sun carved into it and he was excited to see that it fit perfectly with the other tiny half of a sun, and it made the blue and silver align to look like one larger ring.

The rings might as well have been made for them, they were even the perfect size, except Nicky didn't think he could ever think that far into a ring. It reminded him of their visits to Malta and he was sure Joe would make the connection because the blue matched the blue of the sea perfectly.

Nicky didn't even check the price tag he just looked around to make sure Joe was no where in sight and walked up to the counter. "I'll take these, please." He smiled at the tired looking cashier.

The cashier picked up the box to scan the tag. "We've had these here for so long I wasn't sure anyone was going to buy them. I don't know why though, they're very pretty rings." He commented as he rung up his purchase.

Nicky smiled. "They were waiting for the right home."

The cashier only nodded absently at Nicky's comment, as Nicky handed over the money.

He slipped the box into his pocket and then went back to looking around the store. 

Except now he wasn't actually looking at anything. His mind was going in a million different directions as he pondered the best way to give them to Joe. 

When Joe walked in with their drinks looking like he belonged on the cover of a magazine (at least that was Nicky's humble opinion), with his shorts, t-shirt, and sunglasses. He gave Nicky the same bright smile he always gave him, and even though Nicky couldn't see his eyes he knew they were shining, and he knew exactly how he wanted to present these rings to his beloved. He was going to propose to him. Again. 

****

The rings he carefully stashed in his sniper case, hopefully a place Joe wouldn't look, while Nicky ironed out all the details for his big night. The only downside to sharing everything with Joe was it did make surprise gifts a little more work. Not that he would ever actually complain.

Clothes and storage space weren't the only things they shared. He was so used to telling Joe everything that he had been struggling to keep the cat in the bag, since all he could think about was how good the rings were going to look on Joe's fingers. 

But he managed to keep quiet and he didn't think Joe suspected a thing when Nicky asked him to go out Friday night. 

"Of course I'll go out Friday. Anywhere in particular you want to go?" Joe asked. 

Nicky brushed a loose curl off Joe's forehead. "I've got all the details planned out. It's a surprise." 

Joe raised an eyebrow. "Oh?" 

"Just something small I think you'll enjoy." Nicky said, trying to seem nonchalant. 

Joe grinned. "I'll enjoy any surprise if it's from you." 

**** 

Nicky led Joe to a secluded part of the beach where he had already set up a blanket, dishes, silverware, drinks, and a radio. He carried a cooler for the food in one hand and Joe's hand in his other. 

He smiled at Joe's excitement at having dinner on the beach. It wasn't Malta but the beach held a special place in their hearts no matter where they were. It wasn't as warm as Nicky had hoped but neither of them were really bothered by that. 

They settled on the blanket, side by side so that their shoulders and legs still touched. 

Nicky began pulling out the food he had prepared. He had asked Joe to stay out of the kitchen all afternoon so that dinner would also be a surprise, and now proudly presented the kabsa, tabbouleh, falafel, and date cookies he'd worked so hard on.

Joe grinned ear to ear at Nicky's choice of food. "You know just what I like." He nuzzled Nicky's neck in gratitude. 

"You would say the same thing if I'd brought lunch meat sandwiches." Nicky teased.

"That's because it's a gift from the heart, so it's all special." Joe says. "But you know these dishes are favorites of mine, and I know how much work you put in, so you should know how much I appreciate you." Joe kissed Nicky's cheek.

Nicky pointed the spoon he was dishing out the food with at Joe, his eyes full of amusement."Keep saying things like that and I'll have no choice but to make sure you eat extra date cookies."

"I'll have to keep that in mind." 

Joe took his first bite and nearly kissed Nicky then and there. He would have if he wasn't so hungry and unable to get enough of the delicious food. 

"Babe, I haven't had food this good since the last time you made it." He said blissfully, pausing only after he'd taken several bites of everything, tilting back his head.

"If you're not careful all these compliments are going to go to my head." He laughed, thrilled by Joe's reaction. 

"That's right where they should go, you have every right to be full of pride when you cook food this good." 

Nicky laughed again. "It's only because I had an eager taste tester to feed for all these years, that I practiced at all." 

"Ha!" Joe barked out. "I didn't trust you with my family's secret tabbouleh recipe for months after we started traveling together." 

"But I won you over." 

Joe couldn't stand it anymore and leaned in to give Nicky a proper kiss on the mouth.

"Boy, did you ever." Joe said after they parted.

They finished their meal and enjoyed desert, talking about everything and nothing at the same time, sharing long, sweet, kisses, and listening to the quiet music that played on the radio.

"Will you come with me? I have something I'd like to show you." Nicky asked, after their food had settled.

Joe looked surprised that there could be more to this already magical evening, but stood up without asking questions. 

Nicky took his hand and led him over to a cave in the rocks, he pulled out his phone's flashlight, motioning for Joe to do the same, and then led them inside. 

They kept walking, Nicky leading the way never doubting which way to go, until he led them to where it opened up, reveling an underground lake. 

It was beautiful and Joe could only stop and stare at how the water rippled, how the water and rocks caught the light, and how large the cavern they were in was. 

"Incredible." Joe whispered. 

Nicky squeezed his hand. "Thought you'd want to see it." 

Joe nodded still taking in the scene before him. 

"Now one more thing, if I could direct your attention over to this particular wall?" Nicky shined his flashlight to where he would like Joe to look.

Joe walked over to the wall, trying to figure out why it was important. "Oh, there's writing here." 

"I carved it into the wall so that it would last for a long time as a reminder of my love for you." Nicky explained. "Would you do me the honor of reading it out loud all the way through?" Nicky asked. 

"How long did that take you?" Joe murmured running his hand along the writing. "Of course I'll read it aloud." Joe cleared his throat and began. 

"I named the stars, one by one, after every favorite memory of you. I have late conversations with the moon; he tells me about the sun, and I tell him about you. my soul burns bright and it burns true but it burns only for you. You. Until the end of my days, you." 

Joe turned around, his heart melting and overcome with the love he felt, to find Nicky on one knee holding open a box with two rings in it. 

"Yusuf, will you marry me?" 

Joe couldn't speak. It didn't matter that they were already married, that they are more than that, but he wasn't sure if there was a word for what they are. It didn't matter that they had done this to each other more than a few times over the centuries. It didn't matter that he had already pledged himself to Nicky more times than he could count in more ways than he could name. 

Seeing the effort Nicky had put into this night to woo him, to sweep him off his feet, left Joe feeling more emotions than he knew what to do with. 

After a few moments of him trying and failing to speak, which he could tell just by his face Nicky was glowing at his ability to steal Joe's voice from him, he managed to squeak out. "Yes. Of course my answer is yes, I will always choose you Niccolò." 

Then they were kissing and hugging, trying to find air and space to kiss and talk at the same time to tell each other how much they love each other, how they would never have anyone else, how much they mean to each other. 

The world outside faded away and left them with nothing but this space and each other. 

"The rings! I want you to see the rings, Joe." Nicky said once they had stopped kissing each other like their life depended on it. 

"Yes, please, I need to see them." 

They still held onto each other as Nicky turned just enough to grab the box that lay forgotten on the ground. 

Nicky slid them onto Joe's fingers, gently and carefully replacing the old with the new. 

Joe held up his hand to admire them and get a better look with the flashlight. 

His breath caught in his throat and all he managed to breath out was "Malta." Before he was kissing Nicky again. 

"My love, my life, my everything, they are perfect the most beautiful rings a man could ask for." He said in between showering Nicky with kisses. 

"Knew you'd think of that as soon as I spotted them and thought of it myself." Nicky answered in between kisses. 

Nicky felt like he was on top of the world, and the luckiest man alive. This night was a perfect night.

[caffeinatedwasteland]

Campus Memories part 2

Notes: So this took like forever for me to do, only cause I didn’t wanna cut these scenes out of this part. I’m hoping later on to maybe do different routes? I’m just having a fun time writing something for the first time.

Words: Around 2k

The walk over to the science building was longer than I remember it being, occasionally glancing at the classrooms in passing I looked for any sign of the man I’m looking for. Deciding it might be easier to head to the faculty office to see if they have seen Eren. As I make my way closer towards the office I can hear two voices getting more distinct, standing out from the distant chatter of other students and faculty in passing. Rounding the corner I see Eren, or at least I think it’s Eren. With his hair still pulled back, putting most of his weight to one side as he speaks to the man across from him. The other man looks completely opposite to Eren, with his neatly styled blonde hair, freshly groomed beard and glasses resting above his nose. His clothes also give off a much more dominant presence than Eren, his button up looking freshly ironed with no creases, his fancy looking watch resting on his left wrist.

A light brown overcoat tossed over his left arm. Looking at the two and from both styles and how they seem to carry themselves it’s as if different cultures were communicating with one another, making me wonder how they could possibly know each other. Given their standing by the faculty office, maybe the man he’s speaking to is his professor? That could explain the ‘authoritative’ aura surrounding the blonde man, but Eren seems too relaxed to be speaking to someone with authority over him. Eren is clearly more carefree when it comes to not really minding his posture or how he presents himself in public, with a strong free aura about him, while the man in the suit who I can now only assume is the "Zeke" he talked to on his phone, is more dignified, and very "elite" with how his posture is perfect, everything looking tidy and sharp, like someone that doesn't leave any detail go unnoticed. 

As I get closer to the two I can make out words in their conversation. “Don’t be so overly dramatic Eren, you act like I asked you to walk miles.” The blonde man says with a slight chuckle. Before I had realized I was a few steps from them and I felt the man’s gaze catch my own. I go to speak but before any words come out he speaks first “Is there something we can help you with?” I hadn't noticed until now, but now that his strong presence is pointed towards me, I couldn't help but freeze as I was not expecting the sudden shift in focus he had, he didn't change his demeanor in any way compared to when he was speaking to Eren, but now that he's talking to me, I start to wonder how Eren can talk to him as an equal and not be crushed by the pressure he exerts.

 After what felt like an eternity I stuttered with simple words without even thinking. "A lost wallet? And you came all the way here to return it? Such a polite thing to do, I apologize for my scatterbrained brother's lack of attention bringing you trouble." He says as he politely bows his head to me in a respectful manner just before turning to Eren. "Well? I think you owe them an apology, don't you?" He says without giving it a second thought. The pressure I was feeling instantly went away as I noticed Eren's sudden realization of what was going on and how he suddenly bows his head down further than the tall Blonde figure next to him and without any control over his tone he basically shouts "Thank you for bringing this back! I'm sorry to trouble you! I will repay you in any way I can!" This sudden focus of both tall men bowing to me made me feel very self aware so I started reassuring them that it was no problem at all as it was just the right thing to do.

I sent Eren a small smile as I handed back his wallet and he thanked me once more before the man who I now know is Eren’s brother spoke up, “This might sound odd, but now that I’ve gotten a closer look at you, do you not work at the Coffee Cart?” I look at him slightly confused but nod “Oh yeah, I do, that’s how I found Eren’s wallet actually.” He nods his head, placing his hands in his pockets as he leans back slightly “I get my coffee there all the time, the owner happens to be one of my friends. Send Pieck my regards.” 

As I’m leaving the building I hear my stomach growl, when was the last time I ate? It must’ve been around when I first got to work this morning. Normally I get something to eat after my shift but I got caught up in returning Eren’s wallet. Deciding I might as well just get something to eat here since I’m already on campus before I head back to my dorm. While making my way closer to the cafeteria I hear a familiar voice behind me, I turn around to see Eren running towards me. “Hey! I hope this doesn’t come across as creepy. But I wanted to repay you for the trouble of finding me.” He pauses as he stops in front of me, looking a bit flustered. I raise my brow at him waiting for him to continue “Plus, Zeke wasn’t gonna let me leave without offering to repay you. Which I already planned to do! But uh, he suggested I treat you to some food given what time it is. So if you wanna go grab something to eat, Wanna come with me?” He looked down at me nervously shifting his weight from side to side. I adjust my bag on my shoulder and smile back “Sure, that would be nice. I was going to just grab something from the cafeteria before heading to my dorm anyways.” Eren’s eyes seem to light up at my accepting his invitation and he falls into place at my side “So, since we’re going to be eating together...what’s your name? I’m Eren by the way.” He pauses for a second before quickly adding “But you might know that from finding my wallet.” He lets out a nervous chuckle and scratches the back of his neck before turning his head to face me as we walk. “Oh, right! Sorry I forgot to introduce myself. My name’s y/n, it’s nice to meet you Eren.” I hold my hand out to him to shake, his larger hand wrapping around mine, giving a quick shake.

“Cool, y/n, gotcha, I’ll be seeing you around then.” He adds as he lets go of my hand and we start heading to the closest fast food place we both agreed on, “Kenny’s.” The walk toward the restaurant felt short as we spent the time just making small talk, even exchanging contact info, laughing at silly things, even petty things such as pointing out someone's fly being open. Before we knew it we had already arrived at our destination, I even forgot we were getting food by how invested I was in our conversation! It was really unexpected that I would make a friend just from bringing him back his wallet but it’s something I wouldn’t change. Plus despite seeming intimidating upon first glance Zeke seems to be polite and clearly cares a lot for Eren, hopefully he wasn’t offended by me feeling intimidated by him. 

I reach out and open the door, holding it open for Eren, the scent of varying dishes hitting my nose as I look over to see the hostess leaning forward with her chin resting on her hand and other arm on the podium in front of her before she notices us. She looks at us for a second and with what seems like her best attempt at covering the fact she is tired and just wants her shift to be over, forces a smile before picking up two menus and sets of cutlery from in front of her “Table for two?” She questions plainly. I nod at her as she starts sluggishly leading us to our table and I glance around the restaurant. It’s nothing fancy, just a little family style restaurant with warm lighting, booths lining the outer walls, each one having its own window and light hanging above it. In Between the rows of booths there sit some smaller tables, the whole restaurant is coloured with neutral browns and other plain colours giving it a more homey feeling. More well known for their breakfast foods over their lunch and dinner options, a good place to go after a long night of partying.  The hostess stops by a booth and places down the menus and cutlery “Your server will be with you shortly” she adds before turning around and heading her way back to her post at the podium, yawning as she walks. Eren and I pick up our menus, scanning over them to decide what to order. I get pulled from my thoughts by a voice asking us for our drink orders before I go back to browsing the menu. Deciding on my order I close the menu and place it on the end of the table, looking across the table at Eren I raise a brow, noticing his gaze following after the server as he walks away. “So I noticed you've been distracted by him ever since he showed up to take our drink orders, do you... you know... swing that way? Maybe have a thing for our server?” I question, Eren quickly turns back to face me “What? No! It’s not like that” he quickly waves his hands to dismiss the idea “he's my friend Reiner, but he's always so focused on work he probably didn't notice I was around” he lets out a small laugh adding “that’s so like him too, I’m just waiting for him to notice so I can bug him about it.” 

Eren puts down his menu as our server, Reiner, makes his way back to our table and places our drinks down in front of us and picks up the menus. As he takes my order I take my time to take in his appearance, he’s tall like Eren is but he’s more broad and muscular, even more defined by his work uniform. He has short blonde hair neatly styled, golden coloured eyes and a neutral facial expression. He looks rather intimidating, but Eren doesn’t seem bothered. His voice is deep, he’s polite but seems to take his job seriously, in contrast to the hostess. Reiner then turns his focus to Eren and his eyes widen slightly before relaxing “Oh Eren, I didn’t realize it was you” he states, looking more casual than before. "Responsible as always, aren't you, Reiner?" said Eren in a sarcastic but respectful way. "Haha, I guess so, what brings you here anyways? I don't see you here often" said the blonde man, his tone way more friendly than before but not losing that polite feel to it, either he must have worked in customer service for a long time before, or he's just naturally polite despite his looks. "Just repaying y/n here for them helping me out." said Eren as both their gazes turned to me. "O-Oh, it was nothing much, really. Just doing what anyone else would do" I hastily reply as the sudden attention catches me off guard. "Not many people would just straight up go across the whole campus to return a wallet! Even more so with all its contents still inside! You are a really good person, don't demerit yourself!" Eren replies adamantly, as if me not acknowledging my actions was somehow disrespectful to him. "He's right, you know. Not many people would go through all of that just to do a good deed, I respect that." added Reiner to it, just as adamantly as Eren but without the same amount of energy behind it that Eren put into it, but at the same time without losing the impact. I can feel my cheeks warming up as I can't help but smile at the compliments and end up just graciously admitting my loss in this argument and accept the praise. 

Reiner then picked up the menus and went to put our orders in at the kitchen. I then shifted my focus back onto Eren to find he was already staring back at me, leaning his chin in his hand “So, what do you think of Reiner?” he questioned while raising a brow before taking a sip of his drink. “He seems nice, I wouldn’t have figured you’d be friends” I reply with a short laugh when Eren looks at me confused, “not in a bad way, you just don’t look like you would hang out” I quickly add, nervously ruffling my hair, hoping I didn’t just accidentally offend him. Eren starts laughing as I just stare at him and tilt my head waiting for him to speak “Yeah, Reiner and I only met through some mutual friends of ours, so I get what you mean,” he says between his laughs. I hadn’t realized just how hungry I was when our food arrived, and it seemed like Eren was as well given we didn’t talk much and mainly focused on eating. 

When Reiner returned with our bill Eren quickly grabbed it before I could even glance at the total “You really don’t have to pay for me, Eren” I insisted while reaching out to grab the bill from his hands before he moved it out of my reach “No way! y/n I told you that I was gonna pay you back for returning my wallet and that’s what I’m gonna do!” Eren pushes my hand back and then opens the little book holding the bill, his expression falling slightly as he reaches to grab his wallet and seems to be counting bills. He pulls out some bills and places them in the book before looking sheepishly between Reiner and I, a faint flush to his face and ears before he mumbles “I might be a little short on cash” I immediately reach for my bag on the booth seat and start to look for my own wallet as I hear a laugh, but it’s too deep to be Eren’s, I look over and see it’s Reiner but he’s clearly trying to muffle it with his fist “Eren hand me the bill, will you?” He questions after clearing his throat. “Well you aren’t too short, so I guess I can cover you this time. But you owe me” Reiner adds, reaching into his pants pocket for his own wallet, I quickly retract my hands from my bag and quickly wave at him to stop “y-you don’t have to do that! I can just pay whatever is left on the bill!” Reiner looks over at me with a smile “No, it’s fine, Eren said he was gonna pay you back right? He still is. He just now owes me a little bit for helping to do that.” Eren nods his head “Thanks Reiner, I really owe you one now. Seriously don’t worry about it y/n, I’d feel bad having you pay after I made you come here.”

 Reiner waves his hand to say goodbye to us as he leaves with the bill in hand, wishing us a good night. I quickly find my wallet and place a few bills on the table as a tip for him after Eren has already started to head for the door. When we reach the door Eren holds it open for me and once we’re outside he says “Hey it’s pretty dark out here now, would you like me to walk you home?” I glanced around, noticing the street lights had come on already. As much as I would enjoy spending more time with Eren as I head back to my dorm, I worry about how my roommate would react to seeing him. She’s not a bad person just can make some weird and embarrassing comments at my own expense and I’d rather not have her be like that when I just met him. “That’s really nice of you, and I really appreciate the offer but I think I’ll be good to go by myself. Maybe next time you can walk me back?” I smile up at him and adjust my bag on my shoulder, hopefully he doesn’t think my offer of walking me home next time is too forward or something. I just had a really fun time with him and hope to be able to hang out in the future. 

Eren spends a moment just staring down at me, his eyes searching my face but for what I’m not too sure. “Alright, but you have my number so let me know you get there in one piece.” My smile widens at his response, he doesn’t seem weirded out by my comment so that’s a plus.  “Okay, I’ll send you a text so you know I’m alive” I joke as I turn to head towards the dorm, mentally preparing myself for the teasing I’ll get from my roommate when she finds out why I didn’t head straight back to our dorm after work.

[lia-jones]

Growing Together - Chapter Twenty-Two - Goodbye Is a Silent Word (Part One)

Author's note: So sorry for the no-show! I just got a new job and training was exhausting, and it was hard to keep up with the writing. Hopefully, everything will normalize now! I hope you enjoy, and if you can write me a line, it always makes my day! Lots of love!

Things moved swiftly after we received the terrible news of Mina’s passing. As expected, after the initial shock, Victor quickly assumed his focused, hands-on demeanor and in less than an hour, we had picked Owen up from school, gone to the apartment to speedily pack our bags, and got in the car to go to Terry’s ranch, where we would spend the next two days, preparing for Mina’s final goodbye.

The drive was tense, to say the least. Victor and I had yet to say a word about our previous argument, so it felt like all the accusations, all the anguish and potential apologetic words were buzzing between us, wanting to be heard, yet superseded by the noisy chaos of the recent events.

Victor was silent, seemingly calm, focused on the road ahead. It took a wife’s keen eye to notice by his posture that there was tension on his shoulders, and that although his eyes seemed focused on the road, I could see the struggle in them, telling me he was weathering an emotional storm.

Understandably, Victor was in a fragile place, so I decided to forget about our fight and the unresolved issues between us, at least for the time being, and simply be there for him in whatever way he needed me to be.

Mina’s death seemed to affect my son as well, despite having only met her a few times. He was unusually silent, kept within himself, his mind busy with thoughts that I didn’t know but worried me.

“Terry’s organizing Mia’s funeral?” I decided to break the silence, as I felt it suffocating me.

Victor let out a long exhale.

“I am.” He finally spoke after a long moment. “I already spoke with Terry, I’m taking care of everything.”

“Have you spoken to any of Mina’s relatives?” I suggested. “We should call her family before making any major decisions. Maybe there are traditions they want to see followed.”

“We are her family.” He answered in a low voice. “She had no one else.”

For a moment, I could swear I heard a twinge of guilt in his tone. There was a glint of sadness in his eyes, lasting but a second, only to be replaced with his well-known poker face. I kicked myself internally for bringing the subject up. I felt like holding his hand, telling him that he did the best that he could, he couldn’t have known, he shouldn’t feel guilty. But given the circumstances, and how evasive Victor was being, I wasn’t sure if my gesture would be well received. I decided to refrain from reaching out, waiting for him to come to me when he felt ready.

“Do you think dying hurts?” Owen spoke from the backseat, diverting my thoughts.

I froze, not really knowing how to answer his question. By my side, Victor tensed, his grip on the wheel tightening even more.

“I don’t know, Bug. I guess it depends on how one dies.” I tried to close the subject.

“Do you think Mina hurt?” He looked at me with inquisitive eyes.

“No, I don’t think she did.” I lowered my voice as if whispering my answer would be less painful for Victor.

“What about my mother?” He asked again. “Does killing yourself hurt?”

My heart sank with sadness, seeing my son, at such a tender age, already considering things like death and the loss of a loved one.

“I wouldn’t know. I hope it doesn’t.” I gave him a tender look.

“Do you think there is a Heaven?” He kept going, this time not even pausing to get an answer. “Do you think Mina went to Heaven? Do you think my mother is there? Miss Dillon says hurting yourself is a sin, do you think God forgave her? And if He didn’t, where do you think she is now? Do you think Mina can tell her I’m alright? Do you think they can see us from-”

“Enough!” Victor roared inside the car, making both me and Owen jump. After a sharp, deep breath, he continued in a flat tone. “Can we please make the rest of the trip in silence?”

“Maybe we could talk about it later, ok, Bug?” I reached back, squeezing his knee, trying to soften the blow of Victor’s outburst.

Silence fell between us, pregnant with words that wouldn’t be uttered. Owen, however, seemed to have more to say.

“I’m sorry Mina died, Dad.”

Victor’s face contracted in a very brief grimace. He felt guilty for yelling, I could tell.

“Yes.”

Victor’s expression swiftly shifted back to his characteristic emotionless one. And I could swear that, at that moment, I could see him diligently rebuilding those unbreakable walls, the ones he surrounded his heart with, the ones that protected the sensitive and fragile side of him from the rest of the world. Only this time I felt I was being kept out as well.

The iron gates that led to Terry’s ranch, the same we had seen covered in flowers and lights nearly a year ago, were now adorned by a black ribbon tied in a single knot, signaling the death of a loved one in the house. As they opened wide and we passed that threshold, we all felt the weight of that new reality: a life without Mina.

Mina was not someone we saw very often or that would take much time in our lives, but when she was present, she filled them with love. She was wise and kind, with an assertiveness that wasn’t imposing, but welcome, just like a bright sun entering a room, warm and cozy, staving away the darkness. And now that she was gone, all the space she filled now vacant, I couldn’t help but think of all the things that we would miss about her.

We would no longer be greeted by her bright smile and warm hands holding ours, and I would never see again the tender gaze she had for Victor, and how he responded in kind, with a calm welcoming expression he saved for her alone. I would no longer feel the warmth of how much she seemed to dote on him, always surprising us with his favorite foods or a box full of taffy, and calling him Hummingbird, although he insisted on being called by his name. I would no longer feel the occasional hand squeezing my shoulder, usually when we were alone, her way of approving of me and the way I loved her boy.

“You will stay with Owen at the ranch while I take care of the funeral arrangements.” Victor stated as he stopped the car in front of the mansion.

“No, I want to go with you.” I declared. “I don’t want to leave you alone.”

Victor let out another long tired sigh. When he finally opened his mouth to retort, he was interrupted by Terry tapping on his window. He rolled it down.

“Come inside, already.” She smiled widely, although I could see the sadness in her eyes. “The food will get cold.”

“We assumed you guys skipped lunch, so we prepared a meal for you.” Susan welcomed us, as we entered the mansion.

“Nothing too fancy, just some soup.” Terry chimed in. “I’m not much of a cook, most of the cooking was done by-”

“Do you have the documents?” Victor interrupted, still standing by the door, clearly uninterested by small talk at the moment.

“They are in the study waiting for you as I promised.” Terry walked to Victor and took his arm, pulling him inside. “But now it’s time to eat. It won’t do you any good to go through today on an empty stomach. Besides, your son wants to eat, right, Owen?”

“Right.” Owen almost whispered, his expression still a sullen one.

“Are you sad, sweetheart?” Terry came closer to Owen, ruffling his curls. “No long faces, Mina wouldn’t want that. She wanted all of us to be happy, and live long and fulfilling lives. That’s how she would want to be honored. Now, let’s all eat and spend time as a family.” She waved at us to come inside the kitchen.

Victor turned away, excusing himself, as Owen and I sat at the table.

“Do you mind staying with Aunt Terry while Dad and I are away?” I squeezed the boy’s shoulder lovingly.

“Of course he won’t mind!” Terry made a face at him, making him laugh. “Susan can use some extra help in the stables. Will you help her take care of the horses?”

“Can I?” Owen’s face lit up.

Before any of us could answer, we heard the sound of an engine starting outside.

“Is Victor leaving?” Terry got up from her seat.

Without much thought, I ran outside, not believing he would leave without me. Sure enough, Victor was in his sedan pulling away. Noticing my presence by the front door, he paused his departure for a moment, catching my glance. The pain in his eyes was unbearable for me to watch, and I lowered my gaze. A second later, he started moving again, leaving in a hurry, a cloud of dust billowing up behind him.

“He took the documents from the study.” Terry came by my side. “He must have gone to the morgue.”

I stood at the door for a moment, considering Victor’s actions. Clearly, there wouldn’t be a chance for reconciliation in the near future, since he didn’t even want me around.

“The food is getting cold.” Terry grabbed my arm, a knowing look on her face.

I couldn’t say a word after, lost in my own thoughts, playing with my food. At least Owen was doing much better than I was, the prospect of playing with the horses distracting him from his father’s mood and sudden absence. Truth was, in a blink of an eye, I felt like I had lost my footing. Victor and I had fought before, and some of those fights were incredibly ugly, but never have I ever felt so distant from him. Never had he deliberately walked away from me. That was more painful than any nasty words he could ever say to me.

Susan took Owen to the stables after lunch, while I stayed behind with Terry, helping her clean the kitchen. Again, we worked in silence, Terry probably remembering Mina going on and about in her duties, while I was wondering how Victor was, if he missed me by his side, if I should call to check up on him.

“This is the last one.” I declared, putting away the last clean plate. “Do you need my help with anything else?”

“I’m so glad you asked.” She laughed with relief. “Follow me.”

We entered Mina’s room like it was a temple, silently and respectfully. The room was large, humbly yet tastefully decorated. Over the antique dresser, nothing but a vase with some dried flowers and a book. It was amazing how the whole room spoke of Mina. It was simple and modest, but it had a cozy and loving energy, just like her: a silent yet powerful tenderness.

“Susan was supposed to help me with this, but it’s best that she stays with Owen. And I didn’t want to ask Victor. It would be too painful for him.” Terry apologized, opening one of the drawers. “We need to find something suitable for Mina to wear.”

Silently, Terry and I went through Mina’s clothes, taking several items out. Terry took a box out of the wardrobe, sitting on the bed with a ragged sigh as she opened it.

“Victor should have this.” She handed it to me.

It was a simple shoebox lined with wrapping paper, but inside there was a treasure. There were many little objects: a children’s uniform tie, a Rubik’s cube, a pair of baby socks. The rest of the box was filled with pictures of Victor throughout the years, and newspaper cuttings from articles about him since he started LFG. It was the kind of thing a mother would have. My mother had the same things for me and my brother. I gave Mina a silent thank you for loving my husband so well over all these years.

“When my sister-in-law left to live in Paris, Victor was in a pretty bad state.” Terry commented, as she took the small tie from the box. “I never understood how she could leave Victor behind like that, especially knowing my brother and how he always treated his son. It always got to me how Victor idolized her, still does, and she never deserved any of his love. Mina was his real mother.”

She handed me the tie, and for a moment I could picture my husband as a child, poised and oddly mature, wearing that uniform. And I wondered if he had his poker face even then, or if he had sadness in his eyes, the same emotion he now hid, at that time so perfectly open and visible to the outside world.

“Mina would ask him to help her in the kitchen, and they would talk for hours on end, as they peeled potatoes, or baked a cake. She was his biggest support in that cold house. Until Greg decided his son was spending too much time with the help.” Terry let out a bitter laugh. “God forbid he would let that boy have something good in his life.”

“What did he do?”

“One morning, he simply told Mina to pack her bags and leave immediately. Victor begged his father to let her stay, but Mina decided it would be best to leave, and not make any more trouble for the boy. She ended up at my doorstep, asking for a place to stay while she looked for another job.”

“And she stayed ever since.” I smiled at Terry, my heart full of love for her.

“I hired her on the spot, knowing how much that would mean to Victor. And she became my family.”

I looked at the room again, her presence feeling so much stronger now. She was so simple, so humble, yet she could take so much room in one’s heart.

“Don’t take Victor’s actions too seriously. He needs time to wrap his head around this. You must know as well as I do that he isn’t very good at dealing with his own emotions.” Terry squeezed my arm.

My eyes immediately filled with tears, all the painful recent events coming to mind.

“No, it’s that… Things are not well, Terry.” It hurt to talk, my throat suddenly feeling incredibly tight. “We had an ugly fight today, that’s probably why he is avoiding me. Owen’s grandmother showed up and filed for custody, we are at risk of losing him... It’s been stressful.”

“Dear God, Andrea! No wonder both of you look so stressed.”

“And now he is cold, and he doesn’t want me near him. And I feel like I’m losing it all, everything is slipping from my hands…” I sobbed in desperation. “I don’t know what to do. I’m so sorry for breaking down like this.”

“No need to be sorry, we are family.” She stroked my back soothingly, as I let out the tears I had been holding all this time. “I understand how you would feel that way, but I know my nephew and I know you. First of all, it’s Victor, that woman does not stand a chance. He will not let his son go due to anything in this world, of that I am certain. And second of all, Victor adores you. In no time, he will be here with us, fussing over you like he always does. You love each other, I’m sure you will work it out.”

Looking at the bigger picture, Terry was probably right. We were going through a stressful time, and we just had a fight, as many couples do. From the point of view of the observer, we had been tried and tested many times before, and we always stood strong, no matter how much we swayed. But I knew Victor, and I knew this wasn’t just a lovers’ quarrel to him. He never let himself feel too much, but when he did, he felt deeply. I had gone against his plans, questioned his decisions, when he was trying his best for our family. Maybe he was right to be angry at me. I should have been more supportive. But I also couldn’t ignore what my heart was telling me.

After we picked the outfit for Mina, Terry went to the study to make some work-related phone calls, leaving me to my own devices. I was tired of thinking about the past few days, overanalyzing each one of my and Victor’s words, so I decided to go to the living room and read something while I waited for Owen to return from the stables. Or Victor. And that’s when I saw it.

The piano must have felt lonely in that living room, looking like it hadn't been touched in decades. I sat on the stool and opened the lid, my finger running over the keys without pressing them; a greeting of sorts. For a moment, I wondered why there would even be a piano in Terry’s house, since it was evident that nobody played it, but then it hit me: it must have belonged to Victor’s mother. Victor’s parents owned the property for a while, so they probably left it behind.

“You can play it, it’s tuned.” Terry spoke from the hall.

“I don’t want to be disrespectful.” I said as I slowly closed the lid.

“It’s actually very fitting. Mina loved when my sister-in-law played it.” Terry smiled, coming close to me to open the lid again. “That gives me an idea. Would you play some music at the funeral?”

How could I refuse?

“What do you want me to play?”

“There is one that Mina liked in particular, I don’t know which.” Terry went to the bookshelf, retrieving an old leather folder. “But I have some scores here, see if there is something appropriate.”

I took the folder from her hands, opening it. On top of the first sheet of music, I could read the title Serenade, by Schubert, Listz’s arrangement.

It wasn’t a hard piece to play I had learned it around the age of eleven. It took me a while to get reacquainted with the melody, but after a few strokes of the keys, it became second nature all over again, allowing me to submerge deeply into the music, letting feeling take over, so much that I didn’t even notice Terry leaving the room. At that moment, I was a lover serenading someone, and my beloved responded in kind with the higher notes, telling me my love was reciprocated.

A hand came from behind me, pressing on my dancing ones, a dissonant chord echoing in the living room. It was Victor, a shadow in his eyes I had never seen before.

“Not this one.” He declared in a tired tone.

“Terry asked me to play for Mina’s funeral.” I hurried to answer, almost scared he would scold me. “I assumed it was her favorite one.”

Without a word, Victor took the leather folder, skimming through it. He handed me a few sheets of paper. The title read Reverie - Debussy.

“This one.” He declared as he turned to leave.

“How did it go?” I spoke before he disappeared again. “You left without me.”

Victor stood without a word, his eyes on the ground, not daring to look at me. The clench of his jaw told me he was deciding to ignore me yet again.

“Dad! Dad!” We heard Owen run towards us. “Susan let me feed the horses! And Onyx was so cool, he did one of those tricks you taught him.” Owen jumped with excitement to Victor, arms up, expecting his father to pick him up like he always did.

“Right.” Victor muttered, ignoring Owen’s silent request and leaving the room.

I couldn’t react for a moment, seeing how my husband, the most loving father I had ever seen apart from my own, was acting towards our son. This wasn’t the Victor I knew. This was someone else entirely.

“Why is he mad at me?” Owen’s voice trembled. My heart broke as my eyes landed on my son: he looked like the scared little boy we had picked from the orphanage, small and fragile, his shoulders slouched and his head down, afraid of making the slightest movement.

“Come here, Bug.” I opened my arms and he ran into them, taking refuge in my embrace. “Dad is not mad at you, he’s just sad. Some people show sadness by crying, your father gets weird like this.”

“Just like when he looked scary but just wanted to be my friend?” Owen spoke against my chest.

“Exactly like that.” I stroked his red curls. “Your father will always love you, as I will. You’re just too adorable.” I tickled his ribs, making him giggle.

“Can I watch you play?” He gave me that honest and bright smile of his, comforting my heart.

“Not until you do a scale with me.” I pretended to scold him. “You won’t be able to progress if you don’t practice, Mister.”

After practicing the scale for a few moments, I turned my attention to the score Victor had given me. I almost didn’t need the score for this one, I knew it by heart, my teacher was a big admirer of Debussy. I started playing the song, putting my entire soul in it, reliving my teacher’s expressions as my fingers brought the music to life.

And then I noticed it in the reflection on the piano’s reflective varnished wood, above the keys. The sunset had revealed him, standing by the doorway, secretly listening to me play, his head down. I didn’t look back or acknowledge his presence. Instead, I put all my love into those notes, hoping it would soothe his heart, would bring him the comfort he wouldn’t allow me to express.

[obsidianfr3sk]

Rise of the Renegades (Chapter 1)

Summary:  Heroes come from the most unexpected places. Heroes sometimes feel a little too different, a little too scared, a little too alone. But heroes also know when enough is enough, and that before saving the world, they need to save themselves. And they cannot do it alone. 

They were going to be the hope of the world. They were going to call themselves the Renegades. Even if they didn't know it yet.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26246812/chapters/63886654

I needed to posted this now or I would never do it:))) what did y’all say? “this bitch won’t write again”???? surprise!!! sucks to be you, rules to be me (?)

for those who don’t know, this is a direct continuation from my other fic The Origins, so if you’re interested on this one, you should read the other first! But if your a freaking punk... then, welcome to my fic (?) it’s going to be all about the first year of the OG renegades as superheros, how they became friends, and that stuff. Maybe Ace will make an important appearance, idk, everything can happen. I hope you like it as much as you liked the last one c: 

Tag list: @nodrianbcyes @healing-winston-pratt @alecjamesartino @blueraspberry-official @novas-tunnel-of-anxiety @magykaldealings @jacihayle

The Lost Voice

Age of Anarchy

Year 10. Month 10

Kick me under the table all you want,

I won’t shut up.

Simon

It was quarter past eight when their father told Simon and Sophie dinner was served. His sister had her nose stuck in a gothic novel that used language too complex for an eight-year-old girl to understand, and his father sipped his dark coffee, looking through yesterday's newspaper. Simon pretended to be reading the first volume of The Scarlet Enchantress and the Phantom Feline for the eighth time, but really, he was completely absorbed in his thoughts.

He had never hated dinners at his house as much as he did at that moment.

The worst thing is that it had not always been this way. He was still able to remember the controversial topics Laura brought up at the table. “Dad, what do you think about what the mayor did today?” “Mom, did you hear about yesterday's protest?” “What are we going to do about Ace Anarchy?”

His mother almost always agreed with Laura's opinion. His father, on the other hand, made jokes that were inappropriate for the situation. Even his youngest sister participated, while in her mother's womb. Simon joked that when she was born, she would be as “loud and annoying” as Laura. His parents burst out laughing and Laura gave him a bad look.

“Don't call me loud and annoying, Simon,” his older sister scolded. “I am the only ray of light in the midst of anarchy.”

She may have been joking. But for him, she was a ray of light in his life.

All the light left their house along with them. Mom died giving birth to her third daughter after she started bleeding out and there was no time to get to a hospital. Laura said that she had never seen her father cry like that day. All he said was, “Gabriela, oh, Gabriela, my love, please wake up.”

She didn't wake up and he never laughed again.

Laura. His older sister was stocky, with curly hair and olive skin like his. She had a smile that could please even the saddest of hearts.

The light in the midst of anarchy.

What the hell had happened to Laura?

What the hell had happened to Simon?

But most of all, what the hell had happened to their dinners?

Not that he wasn't used to it. In fact, he was so used to dining in silence that when Hugh invited him over to his house for lunch, the fact that he and his aunt kept talking and asking him questions struck him as strange. 

So much light inhibited him.

He learned (a little the hard way) to appreciate silence.

However, now all he wanted was for someone to speak. Someone saying something to get him out of his thoughts for good. No matter what kind of conversation it was, Simon was willing to talk about the fucking weather as long as he didn't keep asking himself the same question over and over.

“But what if we did?”

Both of them. Beat Ace Anarchy.

Please.

And yes, it was ridiculous. Simon had even laughed and told Hugh to stop being an idiot, believing that the conversation would end there. But Hugh spent the rest of the afternoon talking about it, so convinced, so sure of his words, that Simon began to hear inside his head a voice that he thought he had lost a long time ago.

But what if you joked during dinner again?

But what if you gave your opinion when the teachers ask you to?

But what if you were the light in the middle of the anarchy?

He shot a glance at Sophie. She was the complete opposite of Simon (and Laura): Sophie had pale skin and straight hair, like their father. No one would have ever believed they were siblings if it weren't for the fact that they had the same dark eyes.

He wondered if she had that voice inside her head. Probably she did. She was a kid. Kids used to be more gullible about that kind of thing, right?

Perhaps it was a voice that you lost over the years.

Although he doubted Hugh had lost his voice. Simon would be jealous of him if it weren't for the fact that the voice was way too annoying.

He had to shut it up somehow.

Simon took a deep breath.

Then, for the first time in eight years, he spoke to his father during dinner.

“Dad, do you think I could defeat Ace Anarchy?”

His father stopped reading at that point. He looked up at him as if Simon were pointing a gun at him. Sophie kicked him under the table.

He knew it immediately. He shouldn't have done that.

“Give me that comic,” his father ordered.

Simon obeyed and handed it to his father. He started flipping through the pages frantically, looking for a single mention of Ace Anarchy in it, like he did with all the comics Simon brought home.

He didn't know how to feel about it. By this time in his life, John Westwood should know that Simon always read the same comics, which had been previously authorized by him. There was no “propaganda” in them. But, of course, it wasn’t like his father paid attention to him. (That, and that Simon never read the last volume in front of him, in which Ace Anarchy was the main villain. If his father saw it, he would go crazy.)

The man wouldn't even let him read superhero comics until a few years ago. Laura used to be a superhero fan, but when she died, his dad carried all her and his mother's things up to the little attic they had. His father wouldn't let him get close to them for any reason. He assured him that comics were full of dangerous propaganda, that they would put ideas into his head, and that they were boring and predictable stories anyway.

Although he believed him, he couldn't help picking up a copy of Wonder Man from a counter the first time he and Hugh broke into a store. Simon thought he was going to be happy. He knew how much his friend liked superheroes. However, it was the opposite of that. Hugh was very nervous and told him that they had to return it and apologize to the owner. But they couldn't return without having to confess their other crimes as well.

Simon could barely keep standing, and although Hugh didn't want to accept it, he couldn't continue for long either. Their families were also starving. 

They needed that food.

In the end, they decided to keep it. They read it that same afternoon, in Simon’s basement, while eating a pack of rancid cookies. For some reason beyond his understanding, Hugh told his aunt what they had done and she, instead of getting angry, told him that he would give him a little money every two weeks to buy a new comic.

“Now we can buy our own comics, Simon!” he exclaimed.

And that was great, but Simon couldn't help but wonder if perhaps Miss Everhart needed to improve her parenting methods.

Simon kept his hobby a secret, even when his father gave him an old copy of Wonder Man because he considered that “he was mature enough to read it”. Ironically, it was the same number that he had stolen years ago. He didn't have the heart to tell him he had already read it, and he didn't like it that much.

His father gave him back his comic with a sigh. “Where did you get the idea that you could beat Ace Anarchy?” he asked.

Sophie looked at him curiously. She kicked him under the table again, as if to say,  "Come on, tell us."

Of course, Simon wasn't going to tell his father that Hugh was the one who came up with the idea. He already didn’t like him. But he wasn't going to lie and say it was his idea, either.

“It was just— curiosity.” And he felt his body turn slightly translucent with embarrassment.

His father's expression softened. “What a peculiar curiosity you have, son.”

Simon just shrugged.

His sister's eyes gleamed peculiarly. Oh no.

“Dad,” Sophie called.

He kicked her under the table. Sophie didn't flinch and kicked him harder. It hurt Simon so much that he couldn't stop her before she asked, “How were things before anarchy?”

John tensed. And instinctively, Simon too.

Sophie was so young. She was the same age Simon was when Laura died. Back then, he didn't understand how things worked in that house, but now he did.

Linda Sophia, we don't talk about dead people in this house.

“We don't focus on the past, Sophie,” their father replied, squeezing the bridge of her nose affectionately, “it ruins our future—” he fixed his gaze on Simon— “because it distracts us from the present.”

Sophie pulled away, pretending to be upset about being treated like a little girl.

He wished he hadn't said anything. The first thing they said in eight years and it was stupid. He had completely ruined dinner.

Oh, but the voice was so loud. Simon was silent, but in his head, all he heard were screams of despair. There is no future, John! The past has ruined it! The present sucks! That is the problem!

Someone has to do something!

“Now go to sleep,” he ordered, picking up her plate. “Tomorrow is Monday and you have to go to school. Have nice dreams.”

“Dreams are for the weak.”

His father rolled his eyes and smiled at her. “Rest, vampire. You too, Simon.”

Sophie ran out of the dining room to the bathroom. Simon and she always fought about who was going to use it first when they were getting ready to sleep, but he didn't care at that moment. He had to do something first.

With translucent hands, he helped pick up the rest of the dishes. He put them in the sink and took the sponge to wash them. His father pushed him away without violence and whispered that he would take care of it.

That only made him feel worse.

“Sorry, Dad,” he whispered. “It was a dumb question.”

His father did not respond immediately. Every second of his silence was a second that the voice had to get louder and louder. There's no future! There's no future! There's no future!

“Don't worry, son,” he told him. “Seriously, no problem. Go to sleep.”

When he entered the room, his sister was under her covers on the top bunk, reading by flashlight and wearing a lacy nightgown that made her feel like “an evil queen”. She poked her head out from under the covers to see him enter and hissed at him. Was it a greeting? Was it a threat?

Who knows.

He got in his pajamas.

How did Sophie imagine the future?

There's no future! There's no future! There's no future!

On the wall, Simon had a picture of his mother sitting on a park bench, wearing a pink scarf. A five-year-old Laura was on her lap, eating a caramel apple with astonishing ferocity. He wished he had a more recent photo, but that was the only one he could save from when his father removed any remaining traces of his wife and daughter in the house.

How had they imagined the future?

He lay down on his bed and stared at the photo, feeling sleepy.

There's no future! There's no future! There's no future!

How did he envision the future?

It horrified him to realize that he had never asked himself that.

Someone has to do something!

Maybe someone should do something. But he knew that someone would not be Simon Westwood.

The voice insisted once more.

But what if you would?

[mikumanogi-blog]

2017-03-05 “Stagnation” Kubo Shiori Blog #7

Is there anybody who thought “today is Kubo’s blog day?”!

It’s Shiori’s blog~ (I didn’t make you wait did I…)

I thought I would try changing up my usual introduction.

 Hello everyone, Thank you for work hard again today. I’m Nogizaka46 3rd generation member Kubo Shiori.

My hair is curled.

The other day something fortunate happened.

When the makeup artist was finished hair spraying my hair the can (big size) was empty. The last person that giant can of hair spray was used on was… me. Isn’t that lucky? It rarely happens (‘._.`)

Hehehe

 First off, I want to look back at what has happened recently. Thank you so much for the 5th Year Anniversary Birthday Live.

Hito ha naze hashiru no ka?

Tsuyogaru tsubomi,

Hane Kioku,

Harujion ga suku koro,

Shiori kumo ni note,

Hause!

The 3rd generation members all stood on that stage while considering the significance behind why we were given these songs to perform.

The emotions and the scenery I had from that stage is something I will never forget for as long as I live. More than anything, seeing all the 3rd generation member towels, pen light colors surprised me...I was overjoyed. I’m a very fortunate person. Thank you.

We also did a recording for the 3rd generation song 「sanbanme no kaze」off the 17th single. Surprise…and joyfulness… (You’re probably thinking that those are the only two emotions I have, I do have a lot of other ones…) At any rate this is something I’m thankful for. The wonderful lyrics and melody, this song will forever by important to me.

I was also nervous because this was my first time doing a PV shoot, but I thought that each shoot was done with care. I received the help of many people and as my first ever shoot I was able to make it an extremely meaningful experience. Thank you very much. I want to see all my fans again. Please wait for me.  (TL note: I am assuming this is for the individual PV’s and not the music video PV)

And now… Q&A time!!!

Because I wasn’t able to do a Q&A on my previous blog I will also be answering questions asked for that blog (‘._.`)

·         Which do you like more sweet or spicy?

I like food. Recently I’ve been enjoying sweet foods!

·         Are you good or bad at physical exercise?

You probably thought I was bad at physical exercise didn’t youuu~ but that not true at all! I’m average. This year on my first sports test I was awarded an A rank!

·         Do you cook? What food is your specialty?

I may look like I do and I doo~ It makes me happy to hear my family say “delicious” after they finish eating my food.

My specialty food is…it’s hard to say, when I was younger it used to be omurice (‘._.`)

Currently my specialty is probably a type of sweet… I’m always making sweets.

·         In your middle school club, what was the toughest club activity?

Most likely the stairway dash (‘._.`) I was always sore the next day. After that was the zoo warm up (‘._.`) Duck, Bear, Seal, crocodile, , , nostalgic memories (‘._.`)

·         What are some events made a lasting impression for you from Nogizaka under construction?

There are a lot of events but, Hori Miona’s「ikimana onna」line from her version of Wakatsuki Yumi’s Hashi kun was funny! (TL note: you can find an ENG sub version on YouTube).

Speaking of Miona san, at the concert she came to talk with me. She also put up a picture of me on her blog…thank you so much. Yamazaki Rena also posted one on her blog. Thank you very much (‘._.`)

(TL Note: Kubo and Rennachi & Kubo and Miona)

Honestly, I feel shy when meeting new people, when the senior members came to talk to me, I got tongue tied. I feel guilty… I wonder if that’s why people may think things like “Kubo is hard to approach isn’t she” I’ll continue to reflect upon my weakness from the shadows.

I honestly couldn’t speak. I also have a quiet voice… Ever since I was born I’ve been a lost cause…Despite my flaws the senior members are still nice to me. I want to talk more with the senior members about various things but because of my personality it’s probably won’t be enjoyable for them…My personality is something I need to change (‘._.`)

·         I burned myself…

Are you alright!?!? Please make sure to treat it properly so it doesn’t leave a scar (‘._.`) Pain, pain go away~ While I was saying that I um… also burned myself (‘._.`) I was half asleep and I…burned my neck with a hair iron… out of all the places it could’ve been why in such an obvious spot…I will reflect upon this mistake.

·         Are there times where you are picky or obsessed about your fashion?

Umm… well, I wear what I like without fussing over the brand. Recently I’ve been liking unique clothing~ Heading into spring I’ve been buying yellow and pink colored clothes. Renka told me “You’ve become more stylish lately” I’ve decided I want to wear more and more different types of western style clothing. I’ll do my best!

·         Can you see the towels and penlights from the stage?

Of course I can see them! Every time I spot one it makes me happy. I have some good news! Because my eyesight has gotten worse my contact lens strength has gone up, this means that I can spot everyone even easier than before! Allllright, from one end to the other I’ll find you all!

·         Show me a picture of you with twin tails!

Sure, here you go!

I knew it was no gooood!

Oh no, my hair is covered by my hood and the picture is bluury isn’t it~

…I’m sorry. Self-reflection. Self-reflection.

 ·         Why were you crying together with Nakada Kana san in the dressing room?

On a silent Friday, my name was brought up by Nakada Kana san. Thank you very much (‘._.`)

First of all, she did not make me cry!!! There is a reason for why I was crying… The first time we started practicing for Principle was a time where I had anxiety over how things would turn out going forward. Then Kana san came and talked with me… we talked a lot about her personal stories from her Principle performance and the future. The details are already….. I’m crying. I wonder if I can become stronger…Can I really keep at it…What should I do…. These are the insecurities I showed in front of my amazing superior. (‘._.`) I am extremely grateful to Kana san (‘._.`) Thank you very much.

 ·         Are you someone that eats a lot?

Yes I am! One of my favorite phrases is, I want to eat____. Just the other day, for lunch, I ate bread, rice and beef stew. For dinner I ate 30 gyozas. After that I had waffles and strawberry daifuku. Oh I also had ice cream. I have a bottomless stomach. (from the title of my blog two blogs ago ‘There is no limit’)

·         Do you like bread?

I do!!!! For a while I was addicted to bread crusts, and I ate them plain. I would eat them while waiting for practice to start!

 ·         What is something you’ve been addicted to lately?

Yogurt with soy flour on top!!! I’ve been way too addicted this pairing. I could put roasted soybean flour on anything.

 ·         Favorite ice cream flavor?

Matcha!! After that is Soy flour!! Eastern style ice cream flavors are ◎ but as expected I can’t choose between them (‘._.`)

For this blog I am going to end the Q&A here!!! I’ll being doing it again in the future!

 What been going on recently? Speaking of which, I’m going to start with some of my worries. My shyness has gone too far, so far that I’ve had troubles taking pictures with other members. However, I know that a lot of fans are waiting and saying “post pictures with the other members!”… For my fans I plucked up the courage and I took my first ever three-person selfie since joining Nogizaka46.

This should be a commemorative picture. Miichan, ririan, Tsuki Taro san. Thank you so much. I hope we continue to get along. 

(TL note: I’m not sure what 月太郎 (tsuki taro) means. After some research I found that 太郎月(taro dzuki) mean first moon of the new year, so she might just be calling herself a newbie).

Next, in Manatsu san’s blog, she was asked about which member she would want to be her little sister… In her answer she wrote about me…Thank you so much, Manatsu san is so kind. On the day of the 5th Year Anniversary Birthday Live I apologized to Manatsu saying “I’m really sorry for doing ‘zukkyun’ in Girl’s Rule during Principle” and Manatsu san said “no no, it’s completely fine! If anything, I’m glad that you did! Thank you so much!” Manatsu san is so kind isn’t she (‘._.`) Thank you so much for being nice to someone like me.

Guess what, guess what, Because I I was completely sold out for the handshake event another time slot has been added. Thank you very much! I am very, very, very, VERY happy… For everyone that will come see me I’ll make sure to give you a good time.

“I’ll never be able to forget this! I want to go again! I’m cheering for you!” I’ll do my best to give you these kinds of feelings. More than anything let’s enjoy ourselves. I’m really excited to talk to everyone! I wonder if I’ll see the people I met at the meet and greet again? I’ll be waiting for you!!

 Today, for the first time in a while something happy and enjoyable happened. I was also able to make unforgettable memories.

 There’s so much I want to say but this blog has already gone on for so long… I have been told before that I really like photography and I really do. That’s why when everyone gets a hold of the new magazine I’m in I hope to bring enough interest for them to say “wow who is this girl?” I’m making sure to not slack off in order to be the kind of person that stands out in a crowd.  

Just because you work hard doesn’t mean everything is going to turn out the way you want it to, but if you don’t put in the work then it definitely won’t.

I don’t want to be someone who is all talk and no action. I want to be someone that even though they say big things they can make them into reality. Yet even though I say that I don’t have enough confidence to talk about my own dreams. I’m a coward. I will change. I will change even more.

 In the last blog I received a lot of comments giving me advice and so I based my writing for this blog on that. The opinions that I saw most in the comments were “don’t be so stiff! Relax a bit!” Thank you very much. That’s why I decided to try and make a more relaaaaxed blog this time. What do you think?

Finally one last question from the comments!

·         Out of all the 3rd generation members, which member pretends to remember something the fastest?

That person is Tamami! Wow! Tomorrow is Tamami’s blog! Make sure to give it a read!!!

Kubo will write again.

(In Minachan’s blog I was temporarily recruited for a group called Nabepa (Nabe party). It doesn’t look like we can meet up often… Maybe we should try recruiting. What do you think would be good? The members are Tamami, Minachan and Ayati, and me.)

(TL Note: Minachan is Umezawa Minami)

Kubo Shiori

https://blog.nogizaka46.com/third/2017/03/037204.php

(TL note: trying to find a good translation for a blog title was difficult, the word used in japanese is 渋滞 which can mean either ‘congestion’ ‘delay’ or ‘stagnation’, I decided to go with stagnation because after reading this blog I got the impression that she feels like her growth as a person has become a little stagnant) 

[crystalwillow]

Relighting The Spark - Part Four

Pairing: Bryce Lahela x Tesse Sterling (F!MC)

Summary: Bryce and Tesse have been spending small amounts of time getting to know each other again over the weeks since Tesse slept over at his apartment. Her new friend are wary of his presence in her life again, but choose not to interrogate her as they don’t want to upset her. But after they decide to be friends again and Bryce asks for help from her medical intern friends to get Tesse to attend a date. Will they help him out, or will he be left tasting lemons?

Tagging: @brycelahelalover @eleanorbloom @kiteplayschoices @obsessedheehee @fuseboxmusebox @ajs-wife @lucas-koh @mckenzie-bae

Part One | Part Two | Part Three |

====================

As Tesse stood in the hallway looking over a patient chart, she jumped as she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around and looked up to find Bryce looking at her. She gave a polite smile and little nod before returning her attention to the chart.

“Um... Tesse?”

“Mhm?” she hummed, her gaze unmoving from the chart as she jotted something down.

“Are we still.... grabbing food tonight?”

Closing the charts cover and placing it back in the holder outside the room, she looked at him as she pocketed her pen.

“If I don’t get caught up here, of course. I was thinking burgers for a change.”

“When did you start eating burgers? You hate those.”

“It’s been 10 years Bryce. People and their tastes change.”

“Not all tastes though, right? Because you still.. you know. Love me.”

Bryce grinned as Tesse shook her head and hit his chest. “Don’t you have a surgery to be in or something else to do other than pestering a medical intern?”

“Indeed. Why are you bothering my intern?” A stern voice sounded from behind Tesse. She gasped and turned pale as she saw who it was. Bryce turned around, his trademark megawatt smile on his face.

“Well?” pushed one of the men as they arched their brow at Bryce.

“Dr. Mirani. Dr. Ramsey. I’m so-”

Dr. Ramsey spared a split second glance at Tesse as he held up his hand, halting her speech.

“I may be harsh, but I’m not expecting you to apologize for being pestered by a scalpel jockey.”

“I-, Okay. Dr. Ramsey. Br- Dr. Lahela, you should go.”

Bryce looked around him, skepticism on his face as he looked at the two older men in front of him.

“Look.. Tesse. ... I mean, Dr. Sterling, Just let me know about tonight okay?”

Tesse nodded her reply, Bryce stayed for a few more seconds before turning on his heel and walking away. Dr. Mirani following closely behind him as Dr. Ramsey turned his intense glare to Tesse who seem to shrink beneath it.

“May I remind you we are here to treat patients Dr. Sterling. Not speed date other doctors.”

“Yes Dr. Ramsey.” She said with a grimace.

“On your own time, you can do whatever you want with that scal-”

“Dr. Ramsey, that was my ex.” Tesse blurted out, interrupting his scolding of her. He stared at her stunned.

“Oh. I... am sorry.” The older doctor apologized after a moment of awkward silence.

“I.. should get back to work and you should too. I’m guessing a busy man such as yourself has a few important cases and I wouldn’t want to be responsible for anything happening to the patients because you were held up here. I.. don’t need chewing out about this, I already know.”

Ethan stood there staring at her in stunned silence. This was the first ever intern who had the guts to tell him they didn’t need him to chew them out or reprimand their actions. In that moment, his respect for the young doctor increased a little bit.

“I see. We should get back to work as you said, but come to my office after your shift ends please. We need to talk.”

And with that he left and Tesse returned to her work. On their lunch break Bryce sat with Tesse and her friends but the atmosphere at the table was tense. Nobody was talking they were all just shooting eyes at each other and then at Bryce. Eventually, Tesse sighed.

“Guys... could we please just enjoy lunch without all the tension?” she asked pleadingly

Jackie scoffed taking another bite of her sandwich.

Sienna averted her gaze to the table, whilst Elijah and Aurora looked elsewhere in the cafeteria.

Reading the room, Bryce packed the remainder of his food back into his lunchbox with a sigh as he threw a sad smile at Tesse.

“It’s okay. I know when I’m not wanted around.”

“Bryce.. you don’t have to go. I want you here.”

“That’s just it. You want me here, they don’t. I’m not going to get in the way of your friendships.”

He stood with a shrug grabbing his lunchbox and walking away to find somewhere else to eat. “Finally.” Jackie commented. “I... should get back to work.” Tesse said as she stood gathering her rubbish and pocketing her pager. “Don’t tell me you’re actually chasing that scumbag.” Aurora asked, stunned.

“You know, he may have broken my heart but... he’s still a great guy and we’re establishing a friendship. He’s still got that same gentle and caring soul he had back then.”

“If he had a gentle and caring soul, he wouldn’t have dumped the best thing that ever happened to him.” Jackie retorted, Elijah and Sienna staying quiet and focused on their food. Tesse would have stayed and said more but she was so hurt from their hostility towards Bryce, she just grabbed her things and walked away, heading back to work.

After her shift was over she walked the corridors of the 3rd floor looking for Ethan’s office when she bumped into Bryce.

“Hey Bryce.” She smiled but her stomach dropped when he just gave her a once over and walked away. Shoulders slumped, she finally knocked on Ethan’s office door when she found it. Closing it with a sigh after being granted permission to enter. She kept her back turned to the older doctor, as she tried to blink away the sudden set of tears that threatened to spill out. What was happening to her? She knew she still loved Bryce, but Jackie and Aurora’s comments cut deeper than she cared to admit. Feeling his eyes on her back, Tesse steeled herself and turned to face the person the room belonged to.

“Dr. Ramsey.”

“Dr.Sterling, please take a seat.”

Tesse crossed the room and sat in a chair across from Ethan and waited for him to speak. After sending the email he was writing he minimized the window and turned to Tesse.

“Thank you for delaying that burger date.” He said with a slight joking tone.

“No. It’s okay Dr. Ramsey. I think it’s cancelled now.”

Ethan nodded. “I want to talk about your future as a doctor.”

“My... My future?” Tesse stuttered.

“You show great promise. I don’t want you’re past to interfere with that potential you harbor.”

“Oh! I.. I can assure you Dr. Ramsey that-”

“No, Rookie. Please.” Ethan looked at her. She nodded with understanding. “I can see you going far in medicine, you’re a bright individual. It’s the reason why I personally selected and approved your application to Edenbrook.”

“Y-you.... wait. Are you... No way.” Tesse stared at him with awe and wonder. “You... Dr. Ethan Ramsey, personally selected and approved my application.... A...am I dreaming?”

Ethan smiled at her. “I don’t show my human side out there. There’s no time to do that in our type of environment. Unless it’s with patients and their families. But I’ve seen you sometimes carry a copy of my book. Could I see it and take it home?”

“See... I don’t understand. You know the contents of the book. I mean, you wrote it.”

“Dr. Sterling.” He chuckled. “For someone so bright, you are so ironically clueless.”

“I...”

“I want to see your notes, any annotations you’ve done.”

“B-Buuhhhhh.” Tesse melted like a puddle at the words she just heard. Her emotions swirled and the tears she had pushed back came back to the surface, a few spilling out of her eyes as she looked down at her knees, fiddling with her hands.

“Is... everything okay? Dr. Sterling?” Ethan asked, worry creasing his brow.

“Yeah...” Tesse nodded as her voice broke. “It’s just been tough since lunchtime. Not with my patients but personal stuff. I.... it normally wouldn’t affect me but... you just-”

“I just made you cry?”

“Yes.”

“Then don’t.”

“That’s easy for someone who’s so practiced in steeling their emotions away. For me? Not so much.”

“Then one more piece of advice before you leave this room. Don’t go on that burger date for a bit, not until you’ve sorted this mess out.”

Tesse laughed and took a tissue as he offered her the box, dabbing the tears from her eyes.

“You’re more friendly than they say out there Dr. Ramsey.”

Ethan chuckled. “Most of them out there only know one side of me. I only let those who I feel comfortable around see this side of me.”

Tesse smiled at his untold admission of being comfortable around her and said goodbye as she left the office, promising to pass by again on her way home with her copy of his book.

--- 2 months later ---

It had been a while since the tense lunch that had caused Bryce to steer clear of Tesse for a while. After the sadness of not having Bryce’s friendship for about a week and a half, she hunted him down one day with Jackie and Aurora, making them apologize. After that day, he joined them at lunch every day that he could, and slowly the other medical interns warmed to him as they saw he wasn’t as bad of a guy as they thought. One day, Bryce approached Jackie and Sienna, a nervous energy about him as he stopped beside them.

“Hello.” He greeted, not entirely sure how else to announce his presence. Jackie turned to him as Sienna looked up at him.

“Bryce.” Jackie nodded civilly.

“Hello.” Sienna said back.

Bryce waved again.

“Can.. we help you?” Sienna asked, looking at Jackie.

“Do you guys know where Tesse is?”

“She got called into Dr. Ramsey’s office for a review of some sort. Why?” Jackie asked.

“I need you guys to help me.”

Jackie cocked an eyebrow. “With.”

“I want to take her on a date.”

Sienna gasped and smiled but it faded when Jackie snapped at him before walking towards the elevators.

“No.”

“Dr. Varma please.” Bryce pleaded. “I still love her, and I know she still loves me. We may not currently be in love, but I want to be at that point again. With her, because there’s nobody else who lights my fire like she does. And I’m not talking about a sexual fire, I’m talking about the fire in my heart. My soul. I’m nothing without her.” Bryce continued as he and Sienna followed Jackie at a quick pace.

“The answer is no Lahela. I’m not leading her into getting her heart broken again.”

“But Jackie, look at his face.” Sienna said as the grinded to a halt and Jackie looked at Bryce who was looking at her with hopefulness in his gaze.

“Please. All I’m asking is for you to get her to Donahue’s tomorrow night and then not show up. Say there was an emergency at home or something. You all live together now right?”

Jackie looked at Sienna, cocking an eyebrow in an ask for her opinion.

“Well, Dr. Trinh. What do you think?”

“I... I think we should give him a chance. I mean... they were childhood sweethearts and he only wants to try and repair the damage he caused.”

“That’s all I’m asking for Dr. Varma. One chance to relight our spark, if it fails... I’ll abandon any ideas of having a romantic relationship with her ever again.”

“One chance.” Jackie said sternly. “And that’s all you get. Mess it up? Well.. I hope you like anal...” she looked at him with a deadpan expression before stalking off. Leaving Bryce gulping audibly in her wake.

“You’ll be okay.” Sienna assured with a small smile before heading back to work as well.  

The next night after his shift, Bryce rushed to Donahue’s and straight into the bathroom to check his hair and straighten his clothes. As he stood at the bar the door swung open, the little bell above it tinkling. He looked over and there she was. Dressed in a beautiful outfit that made him regret hurting her even more. She looked stunning, she always did but, he regrets not being able to see her fashion change in person as they continued to grow up together. She scanned the crowd and her eyes landed on him. Game time.

He smiled back and waved her over. She approached with her bright smile even though she had just completed a 15 hour shift, she looked wide awake. She stopped next to him at the bar and gave him a tight hug.

“Hey! You didn’t say you were going to be here too!” Tesse beamed

“I didn’t plan on it. But...”

“Stressful day.” Tesse said, completing his sentence.

He smiled fondly at her. “Yeah. Really stressful.”

Tesse smiled back and gave him another hug.

“What’s this for?” he asked

“Just shut up and enjoy the hug you douche.” She joked into his chest feeling it vibrate slightly as he chuckled, returning the embrace.

“Can I get you a drink?”

“Um.. sure!”

Bryce turned to the bar tender with a smile. “2 blue Hawaiians please.”

She stared at him in amazement. “How did you know?”

“How did I know what?”

“My favourite drink. We’ve never had alcohol at a bar together.”

“You always have been the sweet type of girl.”

Tesse blushed as he flashed his signature smirk with a wink. He laughed as he paid for the drinks and together they claimed a booth. As she took a sip of her drink, Bryce studied the way she visibly relaxed yet still seemed a little tense.

“How was your meeting with Dr. Ramsey yesterday?” Bryce asked.

“It was okay. He said I have tons of potential and could potentially be an asset to the hospital. He gave me feedback on my notes and annotations in his book too! He hated to admit it, but it turns out I may be just a tiny bit smarter than him.” She grinned smugly

“Only you could outsmart the second best diagnostician in the country.” Bryce retorted playfully.

“Actually. I believe he’s 3rd best now. I intend to take his spot.”

Bryce laughed at Tesse’s cuteness even though she was trying to be far from cute right now.

“What about you Lahela?”

“Hm?”

“Well, I heard Dr. Tanaka is pretty proud of you.”

“Oh yeah. He’s told me I’m better than even some of the third-years there.”

“Look at you.”

“Please do. Drink in every inch.” He said flirting with a wink and Tesse threw her head back laughing like a little kid. Bryce joining in with the infectious sound. The atmosphere was laid back and carefree as they chatted for hours. Tesse had forgotten that she had agreed to meet her roommates and looked around for them as she checked the time, seeing it was close to midnight.

“Are you okay?” Bryce asked, naturally taking her hand and stroking his thumb over her knuckles. It was second-nature for both of them that this happen when she got the worried expression on her face that neither of them jumped away from the contact.

“I... was supposed to meet the others here. You haven’t seen them have you?”

Bryce shook his head and Tesse slumped back dejectedly with a sigh.

“Guess that makes me the bad roommate.”

“Hey. No!” Bryce cooed soothingly, sliding over to her side and cradling her in his arms. She smiled, snuggling closer. The action felt so normal, neither wanted to move or leave the others company. Eventually the bar cleared out and Tesse stood on the sidewalk with Bryce, huddled close to his chest for warmth. At least that’s what they had told themselves. As quickly as everyone had filed out, they had disappeared leaving Bryce and Tesse the only two on the street. Pulling away from his embrace Tesse looked up and was met with Bryce’s kind eyes looking back at her.

“Bryce... Thank you.”

“For what?”

“I don’t know. Showing up in my life again?”

“...You weren’t too happy about that at first.” He joked and she shoved him playfully in response.

“I’m being serious here!” she whined with a smile. They chuckled before the atmosphere turned serious. “And... for the date.”

“Date? What do you mean?”

“Subtlety was never your specialty Bryce.”

She smiled as he blushed bashfully, stuffing his hands in his pockets looking at the sidewalk beside him. Tesse took his face in her hands softly, moving his gaze to her. “Before tonight. I... I knew I still love you. But the thing I didn’t know was that I’m still in love with you.”

Bryce’s face fell into a serious expression that matched Tesse’s before he felt himself drawing closer to her, closing the gap between them as their lips fused in a sweet kiss that was full of love, passion and longing. They didn’t rush it, they kept it slow before breaking apart and resting their foreheads together, holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes. Tesse bit her lip feeling giddy inside and Bryce smiled brightly.

“I’m still in love with you too Tesse” he confessed

“Really?” she whispered happily

“Yeah.” He whispered back, the smile never leaving his face.

Untwining their fingers, Tesse brought her hands up to cup his perfectly chiseled jawbone, the pads of her thumbs resting delicately on his cheeks as she kissed him again. Inside their heart, they both felt their spark getting bigger until it lit up at the climax of their kiss, causing a fire within them. Tesse knew he felt it too as he smiled into the kiss, pulling away and looking into her eyes once more.

“We should get home.”

“I guess.”

“Let’s go.”

“What?”

“Home. Come on.” Bryce smiled, holding his hand out.

Tesse smiled as she looked at his hand, considering his invitation.

“Okay.” She said after a moments deliberation and took his hand. Together they went back to Bryce’s apartment. Happily swinging their arms, as they bounced along together.

“Tesse?”

“Yes, Bryce?”

“I love you. I won’t screw up again.”

“I love you too Bryce. I couldn’t stop, even if I tried.”

“Would you do it again?”

“Do what again?”

“Be my girlfriend..” They walked in silence as they entered Bryce’s apartment complex and rode the elevator up to his floor. Tesse considering his question deeply.

“Yes.” She said as Bryce opened his front door.

“What?” he asked as they stepped inside, closing the door behind them and making their way to his room.

“The answer to your question. Yes. I’ll be your girlfriend again.”

He dropped his key into the bowl by his bedroom door, turning to her with shock on his face. He hadn’t expected such an immediate response.

“Are... are you serious?” he stuttered. Tesse nodded and he ran to her, crushing her in a hug.

“oof!” she exclaimed as they fell back on the couch. He looked up at her and peppered her face in kisses, making her giggle.

“Bryceee”

“I love you so much. I swear I will do everything to prove how sorry I am. I will never make the mistake of dumping you ever again. Wow, you’re so beautiful, and amazing, and... and... you’re my Tesse again.”

With those last words he teared up. His Tesse again.

“Is this real?!” he continued to ramble.

“Bryce... We should get some sleep. We both have work tomorrow and. MMM!”

He silenced her with yet another kiss, but this one had excitement in it. Tesse couldn’t help but smile as she felt the warmth radiating from his body.

“Bryce. We. Really should. Go to bed.” She said between kisses.

“But I want to kiss you all night.”

“Why, when you have the rest of your life?”

“The... the rest of my...” he trailed off

“What? Planning on going somewhere Lahela?”

“Maybe one day to the alter to make you my wife but other than that? Nope... no destinations in mind.”

They giggled before heading to Bryce’s bedroom, Casey looking through his comfy clothes for something to steal whilst he took a shower. She smiled as his singing came through the crack in the not quite closed door. She knew the tune and hummed along. Once she had showered and refreshed herself, she climbed into bed with Bryce, looking into his burning brown orbs. They smiled at each other tenderly, linking their hands under the covers.

“Good night honey.”

“Good night Brycie boo.”

“Oh. Um, can I drive you to work tomorrow?”

“...sure.”

They smiled at each other one last time before snuggling into each other, smiles never leaving their faces until they fell asleep, their spark now re-lit.  

[kelseyshljourney]

My HL (Hodgkin’s Lymphoma) Journey

“You have cancer”. I heard these words on a sunny July afternoon in 2020. July 23rd to be exact. I had a chest biopsy that was done that Tuesday, the 21st and anxiously waited for the results. I was not prepared to hear those words ever in my entire life nor is there anything that can prepare you for it. I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter, Madison, at the time so you can imagine the emotions I was feeling were heightened because of the pregnancy. Let me start at the beginning. Welcome to my cancer story.

My cancer journey started during my pregnancy with my aforementioned daughter. I found out I was pregnant with our first child in February 2020. I’ll make it clear that I had a wonderful pregnancy (cancer stuff put aside) and my daughter is happy, healthy, and living her best life. We were wonderfully blessed to be on this journey of pregnancy and enjoying every part of it. Although, I would not recommend being pregnant during a pandemic. Now being in 2021, there’s more that we know about COVID-19 but the beginning was rough. During the first trimester of pregnancy, my midwife brought up information about genetic testing that is available to pregnant moms for their babies that can be done through a simple blood test. It’s a carrier screening test that’s optional but does check to see if I am a carrier for 3 genetic abnormalities (Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18, and Trisomy 13). I almost didn’t do this blood test because whether or not I was a carrier for the 3 different abnormalities, it wouldn’t change the outcome of the pregnancy. If I ended up being a carrier, my husband, Rob, would also have to be carrier in order for it to be most likely passed down to our baby. I decided to do it because it was covered by my insurance and it was a quick visit to my clinic to get my blood drawn. No big deal.

I got the test done in April and then didn’t hear anything right away. I didn’t think much of it but I realized that I never got my results back on the test so I called my clinic to get my future appointments set up and then spoke directly with my midwife. She asked me if I heard anything from the lab about my results and I told her that I hadn’t. She ended up calling them and then called me right back. She said that my results came back as “inconclusive” as the lab could not determine if I was a carrier for any genetic abnormality because a lot of my DNA strands are incomplete with parts missing. My midwife said that out of her 30+ years of doing this job, she has never heard of this result before. Great. I was concerned about what this meant for the baby and concerned since my midwife didn’t know how to handle this. My care was transferred over to a Maternal & Fetal Medicine (M&FM) doctor who I saw for the rest of my pregnancy as I was now considered to be high risk. During this same week (the week of May 18th), I had a visit over the phone with a genetic counselor who told me that the result of the genetic test could be the cause of something as simple as being anemic (not getting enough iron) or something more serious like a tumor (whether benign or malignant). I was told that the least likely of it to be would be a tumor (I can laugh about this now but the irony). I also had a breast ultrasound at the hospital to make sure there were no lumps that could be causing this (there weren’t – I was clear).

At this point, I was feeling stressed but overall still feeling good and excited about my pregnancy despite this hiccup (or what I thought was just a hiccup). I had a few visits with the M&FM doctor and had more ultrasounds than a “normal” pregnancy so that they can check to make sure that Baby E was growing as she should and didn’t show any outward signs of a genetic disability. I had a lot of blood work done but it all came back clear and showing no signs of anything going wrong in my body. For a while, I felt like a test subject and with every test that was ordered and prick in my arm I was getting annoyed that I wasn’t getting to enjoy a “normal” pregnancy with all the visits that I had. I say “normal” because every pregnancy is different for every woman. When my doctor told me that the last thing she wanted to order for me was chest CT and an MRI to confirm there was not a tumor in my body, she promised she would let me enjoy my pregnancy and not order any more tests. I almost almost declined the MRI and CT because I felt like I didn’t want to go through that and be exposed to possible radiation and on top of that, I felt fine. God was really watching out for me and leading me in the direction to get the diagnostic tests done.

On July 8th, I had the MRI and CT done. I was with Rob when I got the call from my doctor that afternoon to go over the results. The MRI was unclear because of the baby moving but from what they could see, there was nothing that came up. However, the CT scan showed a mass in my chest that was the size of a distorted hockey puck; measuring at 7 ½ cm by 7cm by 2 cm and was located between my heart and my lung. I was watching Rob tear up and all I could say to him as soon as I hung up with my doctor was. “I’m going to be okay” over and over again. I think I was in complete shock over hearing that there is a tumor in my chest that could be cancer. We had my family over that night and I broke down several times throughout the night. I remember saying that I want to watch my child grow up (since we didn’t know the sex of the baby at the time) and I was scared that I wouldn’t have that chance. I went to bed that night thinking that I was going to die during the night because of the tumor. To be very clear, I wasn’t having suicidal thoughts or anything but when I was told that I have a tumor in my chest, the first thought that went through my mind was that I wouldn’t live to see the next day. This sounds dramatic as I’m writing this but it's the truth. In reality, I probably have had this tumor for a year, two years, or even longer. No one truly knows.

               Between finding out about the tumor and getting the chest biopsy done was about 2 weeks. I can tell you that it was the slowest 2 weeks of my life. During this time, Rob and I were busy packing and getting ready to move into our house. So on top of being in the middle of a pandemic, being pregnant, having a tumor in my chest (without knowing if it was cancer), we were moving too. These two weeks were filled with prayers and spending time with friends and family. I had many breakdowns but Rob helped by feeding me all my favorite foods (I was pregnant after all). We moved into our house on July 16th. It was a wonderful day and we are thankful for the friends and family that helped us move into our new space. It was an exhausting time but so worth it. As mentioned at the beginning of this, I had my chest biopsy on Tuesday, July 21st. They couldn’t put me under because I was pregnant but my midwife prescribed me something that would be safe to take while pregnant but will help calm me during the procedure. It was a surreal feeling laying on the procedure table seeing a needle sticking out my chest and moving with every breath I took. Without that medication, I would have probably freaked out since I knew that the needle was close to my heart and lung.

Me in post-op.

2 days later is when I got the call from my doctor telling me the life changing news: I have cancer. God works as wonderfully as he does because that day my mom and grandma happened to come over for lunch, a rare occurrence during the work week so they were there when I got the call. I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (HL), which happens to be a very treatable cancer. My doctor told me that she has already been in contact with the oncology team at the hospital to have someone get a hold of me to get an appointment set-up right away. I called all of our family who came over to process the news with me. There were many tears shed between all of us and I couldn’t eat or drink anything because I was so stressed and worried about what this means for my future and Madison’s future. That night, I got a call from Dr. Anderson who became my oncologist during this journey. We met with him the following day at the hospital to go over my CT and MRI scan images and to go over treatment options. He discussed that the general treatment plan for HL was chemotherapy and possible radiation. He also discussed the staging (HL is staged from stage I to stage IV) but because I was pregnant, they were limited in what tests they could order to determine a true stage until after I give birth. For example, they would normally perform a PET scan to confirm where the cancer is in my body but weren’t able to because it’s not safe for the baby. I was originally stage I but borderline stage II because of the size of my cancer and they knew that because of the chest CT. One thing he suggested was to get a bone marrow biopsy done to confirm that the cancer hasn’t spread to my bone marrow (which is a common place for HL to be).

I can tell you now that doing the bone marrow biopsy rivals the pain of childbirth. I was 6 months pregnant when I had the bone marrow biopsy done and it is a very painful procedure. I had the biopsy done on August 5th and what they do is take two samples from my pelvic bone, a liquid sample and a solid sample. The thing is, they could only numb the area where the needle was inserted into my body but there was no way to numb my actual pelvic bone so that is where I felt the pain and it was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced. I’ll be honest, I cried during it but I luckily had a wonderful nurse who held my hand and talked me through the pain the entire time. Fortunately, the results came back confirming that there was no cancer to be found in my bone marrow. I was still considered to be stage I at this point in my cancer journey but that changed once I gave birth. I’ll get into that a little later.

This was the day after. I was very sore. Peep at the zubaz.

Now that the bone marrow biopsy was done, we met again with Dr. Anderson to go over options. I had the choice of starting chemotherapy while still pregnant (it’s generally safe since I was in my third trimester) or wait until I give birth to start. It was a very heavy decision to make. On one hand if I were to start chemotherapy while still pregnant, there are possible negative side effects for the baby: low birth weight, preterm labor (which ended up happening anyway), mental issues, and fertility issues. On the other hand, if I wait to receive chemotherapy until after the birth, am I putting my health at risk and possibly getting worse with the cancer? Rob and I went back and forth, talked to our families about it, and prayed – a lot.

After a lot of thinking, I decided to wait until after the birth to start chemotherapy. I was feeling good overall and not feeling the “normal” symptoms of HL. I was considered asymptomatic (not showing any symptoms) but here are the common symptoms for HL:

·         Persistent fatigue

·         Night sweats

·         Fever

·         Unexplained weight loss

·         Severe itching

·         Painless swelling of lymph nodes in neck, armpits, or groin

I came to the conclusion that whatever decision I made was the right decision. I knew that I wanted to ride out the rest of my pregnancy without causing any possible disruption to my daughter and her growth. In lieu of receiving treatment during pregnancy, I had to go in for weekly blood work to make sure that everything was still coming back normal (for a pregnancy). My oncologist did order a blood test that checked inflammation in my body. This is called an erythrocyte sedimentation rate (ESR) and the number was already elevated because of pregnancy but also if it was higher than what my oncologist wanted, it would help determine that there might be something bad happening in my body. The number slowly increased as the weeks went on and as I got more and more pregnant. Fortunately, the number was still low enough to satisfy my oncology team. I also had an echocardiogram on July 27th and lung function test on August 3rd to get a baseline on where my heart and lungs were. Of course being pregnant means that my lung function test came back with skewed results than what would be normal. They get these baselines since the drugs that I will be receiving during chemotherapy can affect the heart and lungs negatively so they want to keep a close eye on it. They both came back fine, my heart is strong and my lungs were functioning as well as they could with the rest of my organs pressed into them (yay pregnancy).

               I had my last ultrasound for my daughter when I was 33 weeks pregnant and the last time that I would see the M&FM doctor as I would be seen every week until I gave birth with my midwife. Little did I know, I would be walking into the hospital on Sunday evening, September 13th because my water broke (I’ll never forget Rob’s face when they confirmed that my water broke – it was priceless!) A little worried but ready for anything, I was ready to give birth despite her being 6 weeks early. Since I was only 1cm dilated, the plan was to induce me the next morning and start the process of giving birth. Apparently my daughter Madison had a different plan because I spent the night dealing with veeerrry painful contractions before I got the epidural. Seriously, a game changer. When the doctors came in to check how I was doing with the epidural, they were surprised to find that I was 9cm dilated and told me that I was about to start pushing. Since I was without sleep and very tired and given the epidural, I was ready to do the damn thing. After an hour of pushing, Madison was born on September 14th at 6:51am! She spent 13 days in the NICU but was never needing any respiratory support at only being at 34 weeks but was healthy and happy.

               Once Madison was home from the hospital, it was time for me to get started with my official cancer journey. On September 29th, I had a PET scan done and this helped to confirm everything we knew but also showed something unexpected; there was another lymph node that lit up in my chest too. This put me officially in stage II HL. The treatment plan remained the same though; I were to receive a chemotherapy combination of drugs abbreviated ABVD (every letter represents a different chemo drug). This part is hard to write because even discussing these drugs makes me nauseous and queasy (something that I don’t think will go away anytime soon). The “A” in the “chemo cocktail” side effect is hair loss. Something that I have prepared myself for, or as much as I could, but nothing can prepare you for when it actually starts happening. I knew that the hair loss was temporary and I would rather be bald for a short time than have cancer for the rest of my life. We got together with some friends at the end of September interspersed so they can meet Madison and also to spend some time together before Rob and I made the decision to lock down our house from visitors. We also made the decision to limit our circle of people that we will see in the coming months. We did this because we knew that my health was going to decline because of chemo and also with the threat of COVID, my immune system couldn’t take the risk of getting sick. It was a very difficult decision since we thrive on social situations and we love hanging out with our friends and family but it was vital that we don’t see many people. This really affected my mental health as I rely on our friends to get me through hard times and this was hands down one of the hardest times that I will probably go through.

               Over the course of the next 6 months, I will experience the ups and downs (a lot more downs than ups) of receiving chemotherapy and the effect that this has on my body. I would never wish chemotherapy and the pain associated with it on anybody. I know that this was extremely tough on my family and friends to see me in such a state. Chemotherapy and the days after it are a nightmare that you can’t wake up from. It was my reality waking up every day and knowing that I still have cancer and have the possibility of getting really sick from it or something worse (don’t worry, I never got into a dark head space but I also needed to make sure I was realistic in all the possibilities). My only other experience with cancer is not a positive one. My sister in law, Beth, passed away from stage IV malignant melanoma on March 26th, 2017. From the time she was diagnosed to the time she passed away, it was about 6 months so you can imagine what was going through my mind when I was diagnosed with this horrible disease.  

               On Monday October 5th, I underwent outpatient surgery to get an implantable port that was put in my chest. This port is used for chemotherapy and is an alternative to having the nurses inserting a needle in my vein each chemo session because over time, the chemotherapy drugs can negatively affect strong veins. The port uses a special needle during chemotherapy to inject the drugs and connected to the port is a tube (I’m sure there’s a medical term but I’m not medically trained) that ran up to a main vein near my neck that was connected directly to my heart so that the drugs were dispersed quickly through my body. It was never painful during the time that I had it and I looked forward to the day when I would be able to get my port out because that means that I was cancer free and no longer receiving chemotherapy.

Also in post-op. Notice the 2 different spots where they cut open. The bottom cut is where the port rested.

On Thursday, October 8th, I had my first chemotherapy session. Luckily the hospital allowed one visitor to come with patients so Rob was fortunately able to come with me. My mom was staying with us for a few weeks to help with the transition of chemotherapy and making sure that someone was able to take care of Madison in case that I was not able to (thinking of this breaks my heart because I never wanted to be a position where I couldn’t take care of my own child). Rob and I showed up to the hospital early in the morning at about 8am and didn’t leave until a little after 3pm. It’s safe to say that it was a very long, draining, exhausting day. Not all chemotherapy sessions were this long but because it was my first one, there’s more that happens than normal. Walking into the oncology suite for the first time to get chemotherapy was nerve-wracking because I didn’t know what to expect. I also felt a lot of eyes on me from the other people also waiting to get chemotherapy and I knew they were looking at me because of my age. Most of them were a lot older. I did come across someone one time who was just a few years older than me (they usually ask date of birth when checking in so that’s how I knew) and I could tell it was his first time because he looked as nervous as I did during my first visit.

               At the hospital, they have both private rooms and a public space too. We were lucky enough to get a private room and it made things a little easier and helped to ease my anxiety knowing that if anything negative were to happen, I wouldn’t be in a public area where other people could witness it. The first nurse that I had was Jen and she was incredible. I’ll say that every nurse that I had were awesome. Anyways, they stared out each visit by taking blood work through my port. They want to make sure that I met the threshold with my blood work to be able to receive chemo because if I am below that threshold for what they are comfortable with, I would be deemed too sick to receive chemo and it would have to be delayed. Luckily I never got to that point but I came close a couple of times. They mainly check my hemoglobin and my white blood cell count but there’s a few other numbers they check as well. I then had a visit with my oncologist who walked me through what each drug’s side effects are. It also was an opportunity to ask questions. The main side effects entailed nausea, lack of appetite, headaches, fatigue, numbness in hands and feet, and night sweats. To help curb the nausea, there were “pre-meds” that were given to me before I received the chemo drugs that mainly were anti-nausea drugs.

Once my oncologist left, it was just me, Rob, and Jen. Jen started to give me one of the pre-med drugs called Emend. It’s an anti-nausea drug that was given to me through my port. Jen just started the drip from the IV bag when I started to feel my chest tighten and my face got flushed. I asked Jen if it was normal to feel this way and she stopped what she was doing immediately and told me that it’s not normal. She stopped the drip right away, pressed a button in the room, and then all of a sudden, it went from the 3 of us to about 7-8 people in the tiny room. There were nurses, helpers, and a pharmacist that came in the room. Someone was taking my vitals (heart rate, oxygen level, and temperature), while the nurses there checking my legs for swelling. As soon as she stopped the drip, the tightening in my chest went away and I was able to breathe normally. My vitals came back fine but my heart rate was through the roof because having that many people in the room spiked my anxiety and then there were people that were sticking their heads out of their rooms to see what was going on. It was slightly embarrassing because I felt fine and I don’t like being fussed over. The pharmacist explained that they will discontinue giving me the Emend but he also explained that this is not a common thing that occurs for most people so I most likely had an allergic reaction to the drug. Once everyone left my room, Jen gave me a huge dose of Benadryl to counteract the Emend so I ended up falling asleep for most of the session and I was in and out of consciousness so I don’t really remember much from my first session. I woke up periodically when Jen came in the room with the chemo drugs. I think Rob left the room for a little bit to get some food from the café and to stretch his legs.

The drug that always came first was the Adriamycin (A) which had to be administered by the nurse sitting next to me and slowly injecting it in a timely manner. The rest of the drugs, Bleomycin (B), Vinblastine (V), and Doxorubicin (D), were given via IV bags that were slowly administered over a period of time. When 3pm came around, I finished up my last drug and was able to leave. I went home and slept for a long time.

I received chemo every other week. I was considered to be toxic for the first 72 hours after, which means my bodily fluids should not be handled by anyone but me. Rob and I deemed our downstairs bathroom as the “chemo bathroom” so that’s what I used every time. After going to the bathroom, I have to put the toilet seat down and flush twice. If I vomited, I would need to be the one to clean it up but if someone were to help, they would need to wear a mask and gloves. Fortunately I never vomited during my cancer journey (mind over matter). For the rest of my chemo sessions, they were mostly uneventful. There was a point where the hospital changed their visitor policy and I was not able to bring Rob to the appointments so I had to go alone. This really took an effect on my mental health and negatively affected my health knowing that I would have to endure the sessions alone. I felt like my health declined during that time period so for a few months, I was going alone and sitting in the public area. I usually would bring our Nintendo Switch, read, or I would sit and watch Tik Toks. I would have a song in my head on how I was feeling that day so I would usually send the song to my family to let them know where my head space was at that day.

For those that are wondering, a chemo cycle is about a month long (28 days). In each cycle, there are 2 sessions. The plan was to do 2 cycles and then have a repeat PET scan done (which was the end of November) and then most likely 4 more cycles of chemo after that and then another PET scan (which was in March). As I mentioned earlier, one of the side effects from one of the chemo drugs is hair loss. My oncologist prepared me that I most likely will lose my hair. Easier said than done. I didn’t see any hair loss during my first cycle but I knew that it was only a matter of time. When I started my second cycle of chemo, that’s when it happened. It was the week of Halloween and I believe it was a Tuesday when I took a shower during the day. As mentioned before, my mom was living with us to take care of Madison and I am thankful that she was there. This is a vulnerable topic to discuss for me because even though I know the hair loss is temporary, our hair makes us part of who we are as people and you can’t convince me otherwise. When I started washing my hair, I pulled out a huge portion. I kept pulling out more and more hair and I broke down crying in the shower. I eventually made it out and showed my mom what happened. This was one of the toughest days of my journey. I ended up sleeping for about 6 hours after that because I was emotionally and mentally drained. That night, Rob bought me my favorite food from a hibachi place close by our house and that helped my spirits a little bit.

The rest of the week I avoided washing my hair when I took my showers because I wasn’t ready to go through that trauma again because despite pulling out a few handfuls, I still had plenty of hair on my head. I said at the beginning of the journey that I wasn’t planning on shaving my head and that I would just keep what hair I could but I changed my decision on that. On Halloween was when I became bald. I was prepared this time when I went to take a shower as I brought in a few shower beers and had loud music playing. I walked out of the bathroom and showed Rob, who was watching Madison, the hair that I pulled out and with tears in my eyes, I asked him if he could shave my head. I can tell you that afterwards, I didn’t feel sad, I felt liberated more than anything because this was my decision and not something that the cancer could take away from me. I was in pretty good spirits and spent the night playing board games with my brother and sister in law. We dressed Madison up as a Chipotle burrito even though she didn’t like that (she wasn’t in it long). I now am in possession of a few wigs and some hair wraps and hats. My family has never seen me without a hat or a wig on because being bald is the only physical trait that links me to cancer. I want them to always remember me with hair because this is already tough on them that I don’t want them to have that memory of me.

One thing that I didn’t mention earlier but with the Bleomycin (B), this was a drug that caused my loss of appetite, fatigue, and overall nausea after each chemo session. This drug is known to cause negative effects on the lungs so I was carefully monitored by getting lung function tests done. The last one that I did was at the end of my first cycle where they saw a slight drop in my lung function so they stopped giving me this drug so I was only getting AVD for the rest of my cycles. My oncologist explained that it’s better to have some of this drug in my regimen than not getting it at all and it’s about 50% of the time that it’s dropped at some point during the chemo journey. I overall felt better and got my appetite and some of my energy back. I started working out again and felt like I could get through the day without feeling like I needed a nap. I probably would have napped more if I didn’t have Madison at home but I wanted to give as much attention to her as possible. I’ve said this many times to my family, friends, and coworkers, but Madison will always be my dose of serotonin when I’m having a bad day.

After going through 2 successful chemo sessions, it was time to get another PET scan done. This happened on November 30th. I got the results of the scan 2 days later with Dr. Anderson. He explained that the chemo drugs are doing their job and he saw a huge improvement in the cancer that was found in my body. The mass in my chest also decreased in size. He showed me the scans and I was blown away with the difference. Seeing the cancer light up in my body gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes but also seeing the improvement gave me so much hope. The game plan after this visit was to go through 4 more cycles (about 4 months) of chemo and then do another PET scan.

On December 30th, I was starting my 4th cycle and I wasn’t scheduled for a visit with my oncology team that day. I had my routine bloodwork done and then I was sitting in a private room waiting for my pre-meds when my nurse for the day came in. She told me that it was taking longer to get the blood work back because my white blood cell count was so low that they had to individually count my white blood cells. Individually. Count. Meaning, I was almost at the threshold of being too sick to get chemo and inevitably delaying treatment. The nurse warned to be extra careful and to avoid leaving the house since I could not risk getting sick now. I only left the house to go to chemo at this point so I wasn’t seeing many people anyways. I remember calling my mom and telling her the news and breaking down crying because I was scared. It’s hard for me to admit that and I felt scared during this process more than I let on to my family and friends because I hate feeling vulnerable. I was able to still get treatment that day but I also didn’t feel very good during that visit. This happened one other time, which happened to be my last chemo session that I had.

One scary event that happened was when I suddenly couldn’t breathe. I was in the middle of my workday, Madison was being watched by my sister in law at my house, and I was in the kitchen walking back to my computer when I started having a hard time breathing. I sat down and tried to take a few calming breaths. I calmly told Briana that I wasn’t able to take a proper breath and I then told her that I’m going to call my oncology team to see what they would recommend. I spoke with a nurse who told me to come in right away. She said she spoke with my oncology team who recommended getting some tests done to see what is going on. I went to the hospital and had an EKG done and also a chest CT. My oncologist said the EKG came back fine and so did the CT. They thought possibly that I could have a blood clot but that wasn’t the case. They recommended taking it easy and to take some ibuprofen when I got home, which I did and I started to feel better and was able to take a deep breath again. This happened on February 2nd. I didn’t have that feeling ever again.

On March 10th, 2021 is when I completed my 6th and final chemo cycle. Despite having a low white blood cell count, I was in pretty high spirits hoping that this was going to be my last chemo session ever. I had the last PET scan on March 22nd and went over the results with Dr. Anderson on March 24th. I was a bundle of nerves and holding Rob’s hand when my oncologist walked into the room and what he started saying was ominous. He started out by saying that the scans look good but aren’t perfect (okay?) but they didn’t want to leave anything to chance (alright, what does that mean?) He proceeded to show us the recent scans and then did a side by side comparison and was showing us the improvement. He then started going over the follow-up protocol for when I would get future scans, visits, etc. I had to stop him and ask outright, “is there cancer left in my body??” and he laughed and said that he probably should have started out the visit by saying that I am cancer free. CANCER. FREE. Even typing this, I’m tearing up. I started crying tears of joy, relief, etc. He said that I am officially in remission and in 5 years I will be considered completely cured of cancer. I’ll be getting CT scans done once every year and visits and blood work done every 6 months.

Dr. Anderson explained that the mass in my chest decreased in size to the point that he’s comfortable with not recommending radiation. He said that I have the option of speaking with the radiation oncologists but that he doesn’t feel the need for me to get radiation done. He knew that I was very against getting radiation if I could avoid it but of course I would listen to medical advice if it was strongly recommended. This was a huge sigh of relief since radiation would take a toll on my body.  We left the hospital, I cried some more, and we went immediately to our families the life changing news. We spent the rest of the day at my parents house where Madison was and celebrated by popping a bottle of champagne and ordering sushi. I took the rest of the week off from work to relax and enjoy being cancer free. I got my port out on April 1st. It was such a wonderful and freeing feeling. I was looking forward to this day since I got it put in.

Again, post-op. I think my face says it all.

I can’t describe the feeling that when I check my next visit, it’s not until June. From May 2020 to March 2021, I’ve had a total of 47 visits that were cancer related (not even counting OBGYN visits). To provide a comparison before 2020, I would maybe have 4 visits during the year. We slowly have been spending more time with friends that we haven’t seen since before starting chemo and it’s been an amazing feeling. I’m looking forward to my hair growing back (and my eyebrows which slowly disappeared). If anyone asks me what my future plans are, I tell them that I plan to travel this year and focus on being a cancer free 27 year old. I’m also hoping that by sharing my story, it helps to spread awareness to the fact that it’s vital to get yearly check-ups by your doctor because you never know what might be happening without your knowledge. Also, if something doesn’t feel right, speak up.

I want to send a huge thank you to our friends, family, coworkers, our church, friends of friends, and any others that have prayed for us, brought meals and gifts over, or thought of us. I also want to thank Dr. Anderson and his team at Regions and for all the nurses that took care of me during my chemo sessions. I’m overwhelmed with the amount of love and support that I have felt during this entire journey and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m emotional writing this. Thank you.

Follow me on instagram! kel_sey5

[turning-dreams-into-chaos]

Control

*Not my Gif*

Request: Your writing is amazing!!! Can I request an imagine with Peter Parker where the reader is his best friend & is secretly in love with him (and also has powers & is a hero)? But then she sees him with MJ & her heart breaks & she suddenly distances herself from Peter, MJ, & Ned & nobody knows why? Then maybe the reader gets badly injured because she has a breakcown & lost control off her powers and hurt herself real bad? Then Peter realizes he loves the reader and can't bear to lose her?? Thanks!!!

Requested By: @canyouevencauseicant

Post Date: 7-13-19

Paring: Peter Parker x Reader

Word Count: 6K

A/N: Hi! Sorry I’m a little behind on a few requests! Hope you like this and it’s what you wanted! I kind of got carried away a little... 😂

- Ria

~Prompt List~

~Master List~

Requests are closed

You pushed the grapes on your tray around with your fingers as you slumped into your hand, staring at the one person who could make you forget the world around you. Peter Parker. That is until Ned makes you look away.

“Ow! Ned what the hell?!” You screeched as your head smacked against the table under you after Ned pushed your arm away. Ned just smirked as he bit into his burger.

“I’ve been trying to talk to you for 5 minutes and you have just been staring off in space. What are you even looking at?” He asked as you blushed. You hadn’t meant to be staring for so long.

“Just thinking about the science project.” You lied, finally shoving your grapes into your mouth as you face him. “What were you talking about?”

Ned began his speech again as you tried not to space out again, casually taking glances towards Peter, who was speaking to a teacher, every time Ned wasn’t looking. “... so how does that sound?” He finished as you blinked, realizing you weren’t listening once again.

“That sounds great Ned.” He raised his brow at you, causing you to sigh at being caught. “Ok, I wasn’t listening. Again.”

“Is it the team?”

You groaned at Neds guess, knowing it wasn’t the team, but instead someone on the team. “Something like that.” You grumbled avoiding his eyes as you focused on your food. Ned shrugged it off as he ate as well, keeping his eyes on you as Peter came over.

“Hey Y/N! Did Ned talk to you about tomorrow?” He said as he sat down across from you. You gave Ned a questioning look as he nodded, finally figuring out he was trying to.

“He tried to but I wasn’t making it easy.” Peter looked between you and Ned as you looked at your food, Ned shrugging once again as their eyes met.

“Ok. Well, we were gonna watch Star Wars at my place and wanted to know if you were coming or not.” He explained as you chuckled.

“Come on, Pete. You guys are my best friends, you know I never miss Star Wars nights.” He smiled at your comment and your heart skipped a beat at the warmth coming off of him. How can someone be so perfect! You returned the gesture before coming up with an idea. “Why don’t we just watch it at the tower?”

Ned grew more excited next to you as Peter and you shared an amused glance. “Do you think Mr. Stark would let us?” Peter questioned, growing concerned as you guffawed.

“The only time Tony can tell me what to do, is when he’s speaking through the earpiece and I’m on a mission. Other than that, I’m 17, if I want friends at my house, then I can have friends over.” You challenged as you stood up to throw away your garbage. Peter watched you leave, the smile fading on his lips as you called the tower your home. He knew you had problems at your house and was living in the room Tony had done for you for years now. He knew your parents hated your powers, hated how you could produce fire and create and control explosions. They always thought you would harm them or your sister or something, but that would only happen in extreme cases, a case you hadn’t fully reached yet. Peter furrowed his brows as he tried to think of the last time you had actually went home to see your family. It must have been around 6-7 months ago. “So, What do you say? Tower?” You take your seat across from Peter with a smile on your face. Peter’s thoughts left his head as he looked at how happy you were, you were never this happy when you were living with them.

“Sure.” He nodded and chuckled a little. “I’ll tell MJ we’re going to the tower instead.” Your smile faltered a little at his words, having seen Peter stare relentlessly at the girl and you couldn’t help but be jealous.

“Oh, MJ’s coming too?” You bit your lip and hoped the boys didn’t see the disappointment in your words. It’s not that you didn’t like the girl, she was your closest girl friend and right after Peter she and Ned were tied for your 2nd best friend. She knew you were in the avengers, having found out a few weeks after Tony let you come to Midtown, but she didn’t know about Peter being Spider-Man. At this point it was only Ned and May who knew outside of the team. Peter nodded at your question, luckily not catching on to your shift in voice.

You glanced up to see MJ heading over to you all before grabbing your bag, slinging it over your shoulder as she reached the table, arms crossed as you stand up to leave. “I forgot I needed to go to the library for a book for the AP History project. I’ll see you three around right?” You gave MJ a smile as she sat next to Peter, who just looked confused now.

“What project? We didn’t have a project in that class!” He yelled as he grabbed his bag, well intending to follow you to learn about this so called project. Your eyes widened as you stammered out a fix to your mistake.

“S-Sorry, Not-t History, I meant uh, Science. Yeah Science. I should go before lunch is over.” You quickly turned and left before Peter could say anything, watching as you disappeared from the cafeteria.

“She’s acting weird right?” Peter huffed as sat back down next to MJ, who put her hand on his arm.

“Maybe, but then again it was an important project and I’m sure Y/N is just stressed about it. Also about the History test.” Peters eyes nearly tripled as MJ stifled a laugh, Ned’s eyes rolling as Peter tried to grab his back again but MJ just blocked him from standing up. “Dude. Chill. I’m just messing with you.” She laughed as Peter blushed as he looked at the girl.

You had left a folder on the table during lunch, getting halfway to the library before realizing and turning back, only to see MJ and Peter laughing and Peter’s eyes remained locked onto her. You couldn’t help the sinking feeling in your stomach. You were in love with your best friend and all you wanted was him to love you as well. But he wouldn’t because he was already in love with someone else. You blinked away tears as you decided to leave your folder, hoping Pete would just bring it to the tower later for you.

The rest of the school day went by faster as you stopped paying attention, choosing instead to focus on drawing. You found out when you were much younger every once in a while you needed something to do to calm your powers and when you discovered you could draw pretty decently, you wanted to do more. Now it was probably one of the main things you do and you loved it, always choosing to draw the people or the scene around you. Your favorite person to draw was Peter, you loved the way his curly chocolate locks framed his face or his nose would scrunch up when he was studying or laughing. But you especially loved to draw his brown eyes, always being sure to give them extra attention. He loved when you would draw him, always saying you looked cute as you would focus on the picture instead of anything else. You could feel the redness creeping up on your face every time he called you cute but you knew he didn’t mean it in the way you wanted him to, just saying it as your best friend.

You found yourself back in your room at the tower, surrounded by scattered charcoal drawings and sketchbooks filled to the brim with pictures of Peter, Tony, Ned, MJ, and a few others of the team. You hadn’t realized what time it was as you finished your latest page of Tony, flying in his Iron Man suit with the big blocked letters of his name at the top. You prided yourself in your work before the man himself was knocking on your door.

“I know you were probably to wrapped in your drawings to hear FRIDAY tell you diner was ready so I was sent in to get you. Let’s eat.” He smirked as you mumbled an apology, instantly throwing your stuff down as you hop off the bed. Tony had somehow gotten closer to the bed before you had realized it and picked up one of your favorite drawings. It was one of Peter after he fell asleep in your room, you were playing a card game as you tried to ignore the homework you were given before you both nodded off. You had woken up a little earlier than him, choosing instead of waking him up to just draw him.

You were still staring at the picture in front of you as Tony snapped in your face, trying to get your attention as you blinked yourself back into reality.

“When are you just gonna tell the kid Y/N?” He sighed as he dropped the paper onto the bed. You furrowed your brows, tilting your head as Tony smirked at you again. “Just tell Parker you’re in love with him already.” Your jaw dropped as he left your room, using his arm to beckon you to follow as you did, without saying anything. You sat through dinner in silence, choosing not to look up at anyone as they rambled on and ate their pizza. You had only eaten one slice before deciding you had enough, excusing yourself before heading back to your room. You pushed all your stuff to the end of your bed, careful not to ruin any of the pictures but not in the mood to clean up completely, before falling face first into the pillow underneath you. You drifted off to sleep before the buzzing of your phone on the nightstand next to you woke you up completely. You groaned as you slapped your hand onto the device, trying to turn off your alarm before realizing it was 1 in the morning. You groaned against the brightness of the screen, glaring into your face before you could even turn it down, and you saw a text from Peter.

Peter: Hey. u up?

You shook your head as you replied.

Y/N: I am now. :P What’s up?

Peter: sorry, didn’t mean to wake you. Just wondering if I could come over?

Peter hardly ever had to ask if he could come over, always swinging in and tapping your window.

Y/N: come on over Sticky boy

Peter: I’ve told you not to call me that :)

You laughed as you tossed your phone to the side, cleaning up your papers a little before opening your window so Peter could just swing in.

“I brought pizza. Mr. Stark said you hadn’t eaten much so I thought I’d bring you some.” He said as he landed on your floor. You gave him a smile and thanked him before you jumped onto your bed. Peter just stayed in your window, staring at you before you gave him an amused glance.

“You just gonna stand there and make he eat this whole pizza by myself or are you gonna join me?” He let out a shaky breath, confusing you more as he joined you on the bed, pulling the pizza box onto both of your laps as you ate in silence for a little while. “So what’s up? Why’d you text instead of just coming over?”

You fiddled with your fingers and avoided his eyes, to unsure of what he was going to say.

“I don’t know. Just needed to talk or something. You were the first person I thought off.” His voice was quiet and you grabbed his hand, ignoring the way your stomach did flips as his eyes met you. He thought of you first? You rested your head on his shoulder as his head fell onto yours, both of you closing your eyes as you listened to the sounds of your breathings filling the room.

“How was your patrol tonight?” You whispered as he shrugged underneath you. “Pete, what’s going on with you?” He froze as you sat up, turning to face him as he squeezed your hand.

“I’m just glad you’re my friend.” He said smiling as your heart dropped, but you didn’t show it, only smiling and nodding your head.

“Forever and Always Sticky Boy.” He laughed as you marveled in the sound, loving each second of it before you both fall into a silence once again. “You staying here tonight or heading back to your apartment later?” You asked as he yawned. He frowned as he looked down at your phone quickly noticing you both have been sitting here for a little over a hour.

“I have got to get back, May said I couldn’t stay at the tower on school nights after last time.” He mumbled as you pushed your face in your hands. You knew exactly what he was talking about. One night after Patrol, much like tonight, Peter had came into your room and you spent all night playing games and eating junk food. The next morning Tony came into your room to see you with your head on Peter’s chest and his arms wrapped around you, both of you 2 hours late to school. Tony found it hilarious and took a picture before kicking you both awake, throughly embarrassing both of you. Now, Peter hadn’t made any move to leave before you tried to push him out of your bed, both of you hushing your now loud laughs for the sake of the other avengers.

“Night Y/N.”

“Goodnight, Pete.” You whispered as Peter swung out of your window, watching as his figure flew against the night sky.

You woke up to Tony voice echoing through your room as you shove a pillow over your ear. “Come on Y/N. Hate to do this on a school day but we got a news of someone in Brooklyn and it’s our speed. Everyone else is gone and I need you now.” You heard the urgency in his voice as you jumped out of bed, slipping into your suit as you made your way to Brooklyn.

When you finally got there you scanned your surroundings until you saw Tony, finishing up with the bad guy as you sauntered over.

“So what? Now we’re just calling me down here for fun?” You joked as you looked down at the kneeling Bad Guy who didn’t even look all that taken down.

“You’re flame.” He spoke as you furrowed your brows.

“Yeah. Why?” You tried to ignore the uncomfortable feeling in your stomach as he stared at you.

“He had similar powers to you.” Tony whispered as the confusion never left you.

“How do you control them?”

“W-What?”

How do you control them?” He repeated as his eyes started to turn red, just like how yours turn orange. Tony took a step back as the man stood up towering over you as you took a fighting stance.

“By keeping my head. I take it you don’t control them?” He shook his head as fire began to circulate his hands, you soon copying his actions as you tell him to stand down. Tony’s mask flew back on his face as he watched the scene in front of him.

“I’m sorry...” the man whispered before fire erupted around him and within a second you had your hands out, taking in the fire he’s producing until you were both on the ground.

“Y/N! Are you ok?!” Tony yelled as you got up, looking at the passed out man a few feet away from you. You’d never met anyone with the same powers as you, some come close but his was the exact same and it felt... unstable as the explosion entered into your system.

“Yeah. I-I’m fine.” You huffed, hoping he’d believe you. His lips fell into a tight line as he checked you over, deciding you were ok. “I have to get to school. Even though I’m going to be late again. You got this covered Stark?” You nodded towards the man and pulled out your phone, scrolling through all the text messages from Peter as you told him you’d be late. Tony nodded as he patted your back, telling you to get to school.

You stopped at the tower to take a quick shower and grab your bag. It was lunch when you finally arrived, searching through the sea of students for Peter’s mop of a hair. You finally found it before your face fell at the figure next to him. MJ. She was sitting next to him as she laughed, slightly leaning into him as he threw his head back as he laughed as well. You watched as their eyes met, laughing slowly starting to stop as a smile landed on both of their faces. You felt hot. Heat rising from your hands up to your face as your breathing started to increase. ‘What the hell is happening?’ You thought as you rushed off to the bathroom. No one was in there luckily and you locked it, not allowing anyone else in as you turned on the sink, fingers hitting the cool of metal in the faucet and immediately noticing the difference in temperature. You gripped the edge of the sink, closing your eyes as images of MJ and Peter filled your mind. The burning smell had pulled you out of your trance, opening your eyes to your reflection in the mirror. An orange hue filling the area in your eyes. A gasp leaves your lips as you release the sink, seeing your shaking hands red from the heat it had produced.

“Control It. Control it Y/N.” You seethed as you clasped your eyes closed once again, letting the jealousy out of your mind as you step back leaning against the wall. You pulled out your phone, shooting Peter a text saying you couldn’t make it to school today before sneaking out of the bathroom, hoping to avoid your friends before you could leave. Unfortunately you made the mistake of heading down the hallway with your locker, seeing MJ and Peter chatting as he pushed a strand of hair from her face, her giving him an awkward smile before looking down at the ground. Peter just smiled before looking down the hallway towards you, but you were already gone, hurrying down the steps of the school and down the streets until you hit an alleyway. You fell against the stone wall as you held your shaking wrist, trying your hardest not lose control again.

Your phone buzzed as you realized Peter was calling you. You swiped on the screen before pressing the phone to your ear.

“Hey.” You started as you took a few deep breaths.

“Hey! I thought you were coming, what happened?” He asked as you heard Ned laugh on the other side of the phone.

You stood up as you headed back to the tower, taking your time as you talked to Peter.

“Yeah, I uh wasn’t feeling so hot after this morning so I took a day off.” You could hear him mumble something to Ned and MJ, probably telling them what you said before the ringing of the bell sounded throughout the phone.

“Hey I’ll talk to you later alright? Or see you tonight if I don’t.” He sounded rushed as you heard scuffing from his end.

“Ok. I’ll talk to you-“ you began before the ending tone echoed in your ear. “...Later.” You finished before shoving the device into your pocket. When you got back to tower you ignored everyone as you made your way up to your room, laying on your bed as Tony knocked on the door a few hours later.

“So, how was school?” He smirked as you groaned. You gave him a fake smile before falling back onto the bed.

“Oh it was great.”

“Did you actually get there or go somewhere else?” You sat back up as you leaned against the headboard.

You fiddled with your fingers as you avoided his eyes, not really in the mood to talk. He sighed before turning around to leave, finally remembering why he was here. “The kid’s here with your friends.”

You nodded your head, going into the bathroom to make yourself more presentable as you looked down at your hands. They weren’t shaking anymore but they were still hot, hotter than you would’ve liked. After running your hands under the water then through your hair you headed into the living room, seeing your friends arguing over which movie to watch first. You rolled your eyes as you laughed, Peter immediately hearing the sound and head perking up to face you.

“Hey! Come over here and help us pick out a movie!” He yelled as he smiled at you. You shook your head before nodding over to the kitchen.

“I’m just gonna get some food. What do you guys want?” You looked between them as they all shrugged.

Peter was the one who ended up answering your question. “Pizza!”

You scoff as you playfully rolled your eyes. “We had that that last night Peter, you’re getting something else.” You yelled as you walked into the kitchen, oblivious to the looks Peter had gotten as they watched you leave. You scanned through the fridge looking for anything before finding giving up, pulling out your phone to order pizza. “Ok, Parker. You win. I ordered Pizza.” You said as you plopped down next to him on the couch, his cheeks were still red as you glanced between them. “What did I miss?”

Ned and MJ just shrugged as the movie started. When the pizza arrived you got it and made your way back up. As soon as you stepped out of the elevator you noticed MJ had switched seats with Ned, sitting on the other side of the couch from you on Peter’s other side. You put the pizza on the table in front of you all and grabbed a slice before sitting back on the couch. As the movie progressed, you found yourself falling asleep, accidentally lying on Peter’s shoulder. You woke up to MJ’s laughs as you rubbed your eyes, realizing Peter and MJ were the only two awake when Ned stirred awake soon after. It was around midnight when MJ and Ned headed home, Happy giving them rides as Peter stayed behind to help clean up.

“I grabbed the work you missed today, but I kind of left it at home. Sorry.” You gave him a tired smile as you waved your hand, telling him it was alright. When the cleaning was all done he pulled you in for a hug, lasting a few seconds longer than normal before he pulled away. “Night Y/N.”

“Goodnight Peter.” You said as you took in your typical nighttime routine, Peter always being the last person you talk to before you both go to bed. But lately it just seems different, you believed Peter loved MJ and of they did get to together then soon you weren’t going to be the last person he said goodnight to. As Peter left the tower, the normal way, you couldn’t help the thoughts of him and MJ intruding your brain once again and soon your hands were shaking again. This time you weren’t burning up, so you decided to just head to bed and figure out everything in the morning.

You woke up being dosed with water as FRIDAY tried to wake you up. Tony storming in a few seconds later as you were standing on your bed, completely soaked as you wiped your hair out of your face.

“What happened?!” Tony yelled as FRIDAY stopped the water. You glared at the man as you crossed your arms.

“You tell me! One moment I was asleep and the next I’m soaking wet!” He could sense the annoyance in your voice as both of your eyes fell onto the mattress underneath you. It was burnt, really burnt. It didn’t even look like a mattress anymore. You looked at your hands, something that you seem to be doing way to much lately. “Tony...”

Tony didn’t know what to say. “When was the last time you’ve done that?” He whispered as he helped you off your bed. You shook your head, mouth falling open and closed as you tried to come up with an answer.

“A while ago.” You knew when it was. It was right after your parents kicked you out years ago. The first night you spent living outside before Tony found you a week later. Tony didn’t know this. He didn’t know that you had gotten to mad, so out of control that you almost killed a few people sleeping around you. That was when you knew you needed to be in control, but now you were so lost on why you were losing control so easily. “I have to go.” You said as you grabbed your phone and sweatshirt, thankful you hadn’t changed after last night. Tony tried to stop you but you were to determined and told him to just let you go. But he finally stopped in his tracks when you said you we’re going to see your parents before dashing down the street and into the early morning.

Peter decided to stop by the tower first thing in the morning, wanting to see if you wanted to hang out, but when he saw the burnt up bed through your window he knew something was wrong. He found Tony in his lab, not even caring about interrupting something as he begun to bombard him with questions.

“Mr. Stark! Where’s Y/N? She wasn’t answering my texts. And why was her bed all burned up? Did something happen? Is she okay?” He blurted as Tony turned to face him, Tony gave him a sad smile as he stopped talking.

“She just needed some time. There was an accident this morning and she said she was going to her parents house.” Tony explained as Peter’s stomach dropped. You were his best friend, you would’ve told him if you were going to see your parents, right? “But I went there and she wasn’t there. I tried tracking her phone but she ditched it.” Tony couldn’t say anymore before Peter was swinging through the streets, looking for you, only to see you sitting on a park bench.

“Y/N! What happened? Mr. Stark said there was an accident and you went to your parents house? Are you ok?” You stopped his ramblings when you nodded your head, not saying anything other than an I’m fine and it was nothing. The cool crisp air brushed against your heated cheeks and hands, still engulfed in red from this morning.

“I just want to be left alone for a little while Pete. C-could you do that for me?” Your frail voice made Peter frown, not wanting to leave you here distraught, but against his better judgment he did.

The next few days you avoided any calls from Peter, Ned, and MJ only texting in needed occasions. Peter was worried and constantly visiting the tower to make sure you were ok but you were hardly ever there, choosing to spend your time outside where you could try and keep your temperature down. Your friends had no clue what was going on. No one had any idea about your problems because you didn’t tell anyone, choosing not to let others deal with your problems. Unfortunately, Peter dropped by today and you just happened to be in the training room, working on your punches.

Peter tapped your shoulder, getting your attention before you spun around to try and punch him, not knowing it was him.

“Where have you been Y/N? You haven’t gone to school in a few days and you aren’t answering anyone’s calls or anything? A-Are you okay?” He released your fist as they fell to your side. You rolled your eyes, heading over to get some water as he followed behind.

“I’m fine Pete, just a little tired lately.” You lied as you downed your water. You headed back over to the punching bag as you resumed your workout, only for Peter to stand between you and the bag. “Come on, Peter. I have to train and you have to move.”

He sighed as his hands fell onto your shoulder, stopping you from pulling away and you tried your hardest not to fall into his welcoming embrace.

“Y/N, whats really going on? I’ve been talking with Ned and MJ and we know when something’s bothering you. I know when you’re lying Y/N, you’re my best friend!” His voice echoed in the room and you knew you were losing control. You turned around, back facing him as you drank your water trying to drown the screams in your head but it was no point.

You opened your eyes as they started to glow a recognizable orange. You turned to face Peter and his eyes widened, realizing your powers were coming out to play.

“Maybe I don’t want to just be your best friend anymore!” You yelled, completely losing control as fire had started to circulate your hands. Peter looked down seeing the fire in your hands then looking up to the fire in your eyes, your orange hue was clear in your eyes but there was more, an unrecognizable red was shining through as it moved about the orange sea.

“Y/N?” Peter whispered before you cut him off.

“Maybe I don’t want to sit here and watch you fall in love with someone else when I’m right here! M-Maybe... M-Maybe... M-M-May....”

Peter know something was wrong, your heart nearly tripled the rate as your breathing deepened, eyes clasped shut as grabbed onto his arm the fire on your hands slightly burning him but he held you up before you pushed him away.

“Peter, stay back! I’m not- this isn’t me! I’m not in control anymore!” He hated how desperate you sounded as you fell to your knees, hands resting on the floor as you yell to Peter to stand back. He didn’t want to but he stepped away, calling Tony to get down here as his eyes never left you. Your groans stopped as the fire around your hands became more intense, alerting you as to what’s gonna happen. You were going to make an explosion. You saw Peter, barely out of the way and you knew you couldn’t let this explosion happen. As soon as the fire began to spread from your hands into the air around you, you closed your eyes, sucking the energy back into your chest as Peter watched astounded. Soon your screams pierced his ears, putting his hands up to block his eyes from the light of the scene blinding him until he heard a thud.

You felt a weight on your hand as you tried to pry your eyes open, only to close them from the bright light shining through. You groaned as your hand pressed into your eyes, trying to figure out what’s happening.

“Y/N?” Someone whispered as you opened your eyes, blinking as you adjusted. Peter was sitting next to you, hand clasping yours as if he would let go he’d lose you. You were to busy staring at his eyes before you realized you were no longer in the training room.

“Pete? Where... where are we?” You asked, voice weirdly hoarse as if you hadn’t used it in a few days. Peter sunk into his chair as he squeezed your hand, making you even more confused. “Peter?”

“We’re in the hospital wing. You- You had an accident.” You sucked in a breath as you began to remember the previous events, losing control of your powers, taking in your own energy explosion, telling Peter you wanted to be more than best friends. Your wide eyes met his before his eyes started to get glossy. “I thought I lost you, Y/N... you’ve been here for a week. I thought you-“ he stopped as you joined him in his sobs, pulling him into you as you threw your arms around his neck, his wrapped tightly around your waist as you both buried your faces in each other’s shoulders.

“I’m sorry. I’m so-so s-sorry.” You cried as Peter shook his head. He pulled back as you saw the bags under his eyes and the red puffiness surrounding it. You were in control of your powers now, but you couldn’t control the flow of emotions coming out of your mouth right now. “Peter, I’m in love with you. I know that you like MJ and that you’re my best friend, but I’m lying to myself and you everyday I go out there and pretend you’re just my best friend. I-I’m sorry that I feel like this but-“

You were cut off by Peter’s lips on your chapped ones, quite surprised before you were realizing what was happening and kissing back. The butterflies in your stomach returned, and this time you didn’t bother pushing them away, instead using them to deepen the kiss you’re sharing. When you pulled away, you rested your forehead against his as you pulled your lip in between your teeth, missing the feeling of his lips on yours as your eyes fell closed.

“I’m in love with you too. I don’t like MJ like that, I like you like that. It just took you almost dying for me to admit it.” He flushed at his reveal, unable to look at you as your brows pinched together.

“But I thought... I mean I always see you guys together and you’re both l-laughing and you looked happy.”

He chuckled as he met your eyes, one of his hands cupping your cheek as the other stroked the back of your own.

“We were probably talking about you.” Your jaw dropped as he shook his head, wanting to go on before you could say more as he rubbed the back of his neck. “A while ago I started to get these feelings for you, around the time we woke up in each other’s arms. I thought it was just some crush you know that someone could get on their best friend. MJ kind of caught on to it after a while and was trying to convince me to say something, but I was convinced that you weren’t seeing me as anything other than your best friend. But then lately it seemed you could. I started telling her that and she was trying to help me ask you out. That’s why I was always laughing with her, she was just trying to help boost my confidence. It wasn’t until that night, when I saw you go down and not get back up that the thought of losing you tore me apart. I... I didn’t get much sleep. Mr. Stark tried to get me to leave here, but I didn’t. I couldn’t believe it took me losing you to realize I was in love with you.” His words died out as you wiped away his tears, him returning the favor.

You pulled his chin up to your face as you pressed a his lips against yours one more time, his tongue slipping into your mouth as you let out a slight moan before he pulled away. “I thought I lost you. I’m not ever letting you go again.”

You smiled as you pulled him onto the hospital bed next to you, facing him next to you as he put an arm around your waist, resting it on top of your side as you push yourself into him. “I’m here Pete. Forever and always.”

He kissed the top of your head as you fell into some much needed sleep. Peter mumbled against your head as you smiled, finally feeling in control again.

“Forever and always, Y/N.”

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[writing-essence]

Why Did It Have To Be Me?

Pairing: Peter Maximoff x Reader

Warnings: angst

Summary: Reader spends the summer at Xavier’s getting a handle on her powers and reluctantly ends up falling for Peter. (Takes place about a year after Apocolypse)

Request:

Can you write Peter Maximoff imagine where she meet an female x reader when she come to Xevire school only for summer so she can learn how to contorl her power, s. Fist she used to said that as she learn to get control on her power she will leave, but then she become friend with all of them and reader and Peter both starting to like eachother. The the summers ended and Peter thought, ahe will never leave, but in the end she did and its brock Peter heart.

Author’s Note: Yeehaw I’m back! Sorry, this took so damn long hope you enjoy! -Milla

Word Count: 1,640

The summer breeze tangled itself in your hair as you approached the gate. You had been writing letters to Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters for months after an incident regarding your mutation. While part of you knew you should get a handle on your powers the rest of you just longed to be normal and keep the life you already had. After long weeks of correspondence and planning, you had decided to wait out until summer to begin at the institute. You had heard amazing stories about what Professor Charles Xavier has done for young mutants around the country and hoped he could work a miracle in time for the fall. The tall iron gates swung open, revealing a tall man with glasses. He had a seemingly young face weighed down by the bags under his eyes

“Y/N?” He asked with a half-smile. You nodded and returned the gesture. “I’m Dr. Hank McCoy, an instructor here,” he outstretched his hand, and you shook it. 

For the next hour, Hank gave you a tour of the school from Professor Xavier’s prized flower garden to the endless supply of chocolate milk in the fridge. During the tour, you met a few soon to be familiar faces. Scott accidentally spilled chocolate milk everywhere when his friend Kurt teleported behind him. Two girls, Jean and Jubilee, were attempting to get Ororo to strike the school with lighting to get out of final exams.  

Throughout the day, you had noticed odd gusts of wind. You weren’t a meteorologist by any means, but you were almost positive heavy winds didn't happen indoors. Your bedroom door brushed wide open for the fourth time in the past hour, followed by the inevitable cold breeze. Walking away from your suitcase you peeked around the door once again hopelessly trying to figure out what was going on with the air conditioning in this place. 

“It’s not the air conditioner dear,” a man in a wheelchair chuckled. You assumed it was Professor Xavier. “That,” the professor paused looking down the hall from your doorway, “was Peter. His mutation allows him to travel at supersonic speeds, he has trouble slowing down sometimes.” Xavier chuckled in defeat and continued to welcome you to the school. You would be starting mutation classes on Monday when summer for the school officially began. 

The first few classes you had could have gone better. You were a late bloomer in discovering your mutation with having just finished your second year of college. Trying to earn a degree while also accidentally nearly killing everybody in your history lecture turned out to be quite the feat. Deciding to spend your summer at Xavier’s was a no brainer if it meant you could control your powers enough to finish out school. 

As the weeks passed by, your mutation became increasingly easy to control, but along with the ease came a distraction. Peter Maximoff. Once he slowed down to finally introduce himself instead of spying on the new girl, you discovered his unusual charm. You tried your best to ignore his spontaneous flirtations on your way to class, you came here to learn not to fall for a boy. Although that became more and more difficult. You and Peter graduated from casual encounters in the hall to eating lunch with the remainder of his friends who hadn't returned home for the summer. You were starting to grow more comfortable here, which almost seemed dangerous as it was a temporary situation. 

Yet, you allowed yourself to stay in the moment of the warm breeze dancing across your legs as you rest your head in Peter’s lap. Giggles echoed across the yard after one of Kurt’s stories, but you fell silent among the group. Jean, who had been one of your closest friends during your time at Xavier’s, gave you a knowing look. It didn't help that she could read your mind as you glanced at the boy above you. August was drawing to a close, and you knew you would have to say goodbye, but you weren't sure if you were ready to let this feeling go. As the sun began to set, Hank called you all in for the night. 

Jean accompanied you to your room, hoping to get you to say what she already knew. After continuous prying Jean had it, “it’s not the end of the world that you like him! Although I have no idea why you would,” she laughed. 

You rolled your eyes, “I know, but I just don't think it’s worth it.” You only had a few weeks left at Xavier’s before you had to return back to school. Not much time to try to kindle a healthy relationship. 

“But what about Peter? He’s head over heels for you, don’t you think he deserves to know?” Jean insisted.

“And then what?” You mused. “We go on one date and then uh oh! Looks like my time here is up thanks for the movie!” Jean laughed, shaking her head.

“Does he even know when you have to go back?”

The answer was unclear. When you first introduced yourself to the speedster you had mentioned you were staying for the summer. But as time went on the subject of the actual date of your departure was never mentioned. Maybe this was your way out of the situation.

“No no no no,” Jean snapped you back to the conversation. “You can’t just leave without telling him Y/N, it’d break his heart.”

After a few more moments of chatting, Jean decided to head off to bed. She was right. Leaving without a trace would hurt Peter. The closer you got to him, the more he opened up. He laid down his carefree facade and told you about his family about his father. As much as you didn’t want to hurt him, the idea kept seeming more appealing. You wouldn't have to face your feelings, and there wouldn't be anything to leave behind because you didn't try in the first place. Peter would surely forget about you, it was only one summer, and mutants go in and out of the school all the time. You had made your decision. 

The day of your departure was creeping dangerously close. Whenever someone brought up the idea of a goodbye party or if you needed any help getting to the train station or packing your things, you simply brushed it off and changed the subject. You had two days left at the Xavier institute, and you were excited to go back to school without the added anxiety of an uncontrollable mutation. You also felt guilty. Reaching into your desk, you pulled out a small sheet of paper and your favorite pen. You began to write, “Dear Peter,”

The words you desperately wanted to say spilled onto the page. You lost track of time writing out your apology that it was nearing midnight. Having a day of packing and avoiding Peter ahead of you, you decided to go to bed. 

The day had finally come. You managed to say your quiet goodbyes to all of your friends throughout the day before your evening train. You made sure that Peter was nowhere near his room as you turned the knob. The door creaked open, revealing the familiar setting. Your eyes trailed across the poster filled walls, over the blinking arcade machine, landing on the unmade bed. Memories of sneaking through the dim halls for long nights of Pac-man, secrets, and Pink Floyd littered your mind. You hesitantly pulled the note from your pocket taking one last deep breath as you set it on his pillow. Giving Professor Xavier a final goodbye and thank you at the front of the school, you got into your taxi.

An uneasiness bubbled in your stomach the longer you waited at the train station. You did what was best. At least that's what you repeated in your head. You couldn't keep your mind from wandering to thinking of Peter, and awful you felt. He had been abandoned and given up on his entire life until he decided to stay at Xavier’s. You were no different than anyone else who had let him down. A cold gust of wind made goosebumps rise on your arms. You looked up to see the cause of the unusual sensation. There he was, hair a mess, and face slightly puffy. His glassy eyes stared through you, holding the note in his hands.

“Why?” He sounded hollow. “Why didn't you say goodbye?”

“I just,” you started stupidly. There weren’t any words you could think of to make this okay. 

“Don't go,” Peter grabbed your hand in his staring down at his thumb, brushing the back of it.

“I have to,” you sighed. “I have a life to get back to; I was never supposed to stay. This wasn't supposed to happen.” Tears started to poke through your lashes on rolled down your cheeks. Peter pulled you closer, noses almost touching. You turned away at the sound of your train being called for boarding. You had never seen Peter so panicked and vulnerable, running out of time had never been an issue for him, yet here he was words pouring out of his mouth overlapping each other. 

“I can't just let you go. I- I can run to your school to go on dates. I can take you anywhere you like whenever you want! Just give us a chance. Please.” 

“Peter,” you whispered, “summers aren't supposed to last forever.” You looked back at him one last time. Taking a final leap of faith, you held the side of his face in your hand wiping a tear off the corner of his mouth and placing a soft kiss in its place. No more words were spoken between the two of you as you walked out to your train. Maybe sometimes it was better to forget.

[tariqsdq]

Do Moms Ever Retire? A Mother's Day Exclusive

An Excerpt from an article on Forbes.com

With Mother’s Day upon us, I began wondering what mom’s think about retirement. Do they ever really retire and if so, what does it look and feel like? After numerous responses, I whittled them down to some of my favorite thoughts, ideas, and stories from moms just like you. On your special day, I hope they provide a good laugh, smile or warm thought.

Susie Miller, author of Listen, Learn, Love: How to Dramatically Improve Your Relationship in 30 Days or Less, tells it like it is, “Pull my hair out now! Stretch marks and motherhood are an undeniable presence that impacts you even when you want to pretend differently…Try on a pair of non-mom jeans and check the stretch marks peeking out. Moms don’t retire. We reallocate our time, restructure our involvement, and resist the urge to tell them what to do! Sure, there are drastic changes in the job description as the day in, day out workload changes- sleepless nights with infants shifts into wiping noses, tying shoes, packing lunches, teenage dramas, more sleepless nights waiting up for your young driver to return safely, scanning social media for slips and stalkers, decorating dorm rooms, gently holding broken hearts, and struggling to find ways to ask questions without being invasive now that he or she is all grown up!”

Natalie Mark of Oak Media eludes to the challenges mom’s face with an empty nest as part of their retirement. “No one really prepares you for that stage of life. Suddenly, you are a person without a cause. The house is SOOOO quiet. Motherhood defined me. I am still sad when they leave because you never really get used to the fact that motherhood as you know it changes and you take a backseat to their life... I still look at old photos and cry because I just don't know where the time went.”

Denise Martin, suggests, “Mom is a description of a relationship - not a career choice. So technically, once you give birth you are a mom until the day you die, no matter what path that child's life takes. I will always be Mom to my son but I will stop mommying him when he is ready to take over his own care and/or finds a wife willing to mommy him. Then I will retire and start training for my new description - grandma!”

Patty McDonough Kennedy writes about her mom, Maggie McDonough’s retirement philosophy which I’m sure many people can agree with, “I raised six kids, held several jobs and put up with one husband. Now I have nine grandchildren -- whom I adore. But that's a lot. I'm not re-tired. I'm just tired. Anyway, there's no such thing as a retired mom. It's an oxymoron. Whether your kids are two or 42, they'll find you when they need you. Then you die. And they still keep talking to you!”

Cynthia Bowman offers an entrepreneur perspective: “After years of being an entrepreneur and working 7 days a week, I promised my daughters that I would stop and be a full time mom for them. It’s been a great experience so far, although I need to have a glass of wine at 2:30 now, before the kids get home, so I can be ready for the hurricane that walks through the door. I’ve also recently discovered that as much as I love being a full time mom, in the tradition of my mom and her mother, I missed work. When I found myself ironing the sheets and my 8-year-old’s stuffed animals one afternoon, I decided I better get working, even if just part-time, before I lose my mind and become a pajama-clad Stepford housewife. I now write freelance, keep a blog about our family’s life and travels and still have time to iron a stuffed animal should the craving arise, all while having food ready on the table. I feel balanced as a mother and as myself: a woman with an identity beyond my relationship to my kids.”

Janet Lehman of Empowring Parents highlights the caregiver role that mom’s play, “Being a Mother is the toughest job any of us Moms ever had and the most rewarding; it is all about taking care of somebody and learning to let them grow and let go. By this definition, “Moms” should be retired when their offspring hit adult milestones but in reality much of parenthood is about leaving a legacy of sharing and caring to your children and if you are lucky, grandchildren.

Retirement and life can come with many seasons and as Carla McClure, Director of The Dapper Dan Society points out, being a mom can have its ups and downs depending on the age and stages of kids, “I'm a mom of 3 grown children and to me, I should be retired. When the kids were little I spent time refereeing verbal squabbles between the kids, now you're the one they ask to cosign an event or a car. All three of my children are in their 20's so they're at that twenty-something I know I know everything stage and it drives me nuts. I keep telling myself that I was not this stupid at this age and just shake my head. Sometimes it's frustrating. They don't realize that we realize, we're not needed in the same way, however our advice is still valuable. I think most of us dreamy retirees realize that we don't ever fully retire from mothering, but as our children progress into adulthood we do have to gain a thicker skin because those that used to adore us and hang on our every piece of advice, now act as though we have zero intelligence.”

Thankfully some moms never retire, as Tracie Hovey president of OvationPr.net shares, “Retirement for my mom looks like traveling across the country to cook for your 40 year old daughter and her three nearly grown kids and husband. She didn’t pass down her Martha Stewart homemaking/cooking to me so I look forward to eating something other than the same three meals I have cooked week after week for my kids for the past 15 years.”

I hope you enjoyed this Motherly perspective on retirement and that you enjoy your special day. Life, let alone retirement, would be possible without all of you. Thank you for all you have done (especially all the special moms in my own life)… and will continue to do retired or not. Happy Mother’s Day!

Please don’t let the conversation stop here. Use the comments section below to add your thoughts and share it on social media with your own sentiments.