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#is it possible that the last time i had feelings (a year ago) was so traumatic that i’m actually just blocking it all out
ghostradiodylan · 2 days
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Probably a lukewarm take, but other than the (lack of an) ending, the Laura and Ryan scenes are some of the worst written and conceived parts of The Quarry.
And this is completely separate from whether Ryan is interested in Dylan (he is, but that's another post and not important to this rant) or Kaitlyn; even if Ryan had no other potential relationships in the game, even if Laura wasn't practically married to Max, wearing his ring around her neck the entire time they're talking, it still would feel flat to me because nothing about it is earned.
Laura is on a killing spree with the single-minded goal of saving Max. She genuinely believes the only way to do that is to kill Chris Hackett. Even if you've made her argue with Max to the extent that they can, they're still a strong unit when she goes out to solve this werewolf thing once and for all. Even if you don't believe in love think their relationship would survive all this trauma, she deeply believes she owes it to him to rescue him, that is her entire guiding ethos during the game.
Ryan is going with her to try to keep that from happening because Chris has been his friend and mentor for years. We know Ryan has an absent mother, unmentioned father, and a potentially turbulent family life, and he's been coming to HQSC for so long that it feels like home to him, that Chris and his kids feel like family. Laura has already killed Kaylee. Even if Ryan completely bought into the werewolf thing by now, that would be a tough pill for him to swallow, given his reaction to her death.
Then, they fall in the titular Quarry and suddenly have the option to express a completely unearned sort of camaraderie with each other. Why is Laura asking Ryan about his love life in the first place? The question about him being single makes sense as a dig, but it doesn't make any sense for her to ask about him being a 'brooding and mysterious loner' because... she hasn't actually seen him do anything brooding or mysterious? How did she even get that impression? If Laura's got some kind of borderline psychic intuition then this is really the worst possible use of that ability--she should have foreseen her need to go to that motel and stay the fuck out of locked storm shelters instead.
It doesn't make a lick of sense for her to say that Kaitlyn looks up to him either. She hasn't seen that. Hell, we as players haven't even seen that! Kaitlyn seems generally tolerant of but unimpressed by Ryan. She has the option to be impatient with him multiple times and even get the chyron that she's ‘losing respect’ for him if he suggests she take the gun and go after Nick instead. This seems like an objectively good idea, since she's a much better shot than Ryan, a fact which the game keeps telling us despite refusing to give her a gun until the last possible second, though maybe the concern is that she'd have to drag Nick back to the campfire herself. (Honestly, I think Kaitlyn could do it, I think she's like a mighty ant who can lift many times her own weight, but that's not what this post is about.)
Ryan, for his part, shouldn't really be willing to talk about any of this with Laura either. He canonically doesn't even want to talk to his coworkers about his animation school decision (in the office scene with Dylan and at the campfire with Emma if you choose truth like a lunatic) and he's known them for at least two months, if not for years attending the same camp. But he met Laura a few hours ago and is suddenly willing to spill his guts about who he does or doesn't have a crush on and who does/doesn't have 'the hots' for him, despite the only experience they have together being her leaving his friend of several years dead facedown in a pool and expressing a strong desire to kill his father figure? I simply do not buy it.
I'm not sure if this was supposed to go along with the relationship system that they scrapped or what (there's not a single shred of Ryan and Laura stuff in the datamine that I've been able to find), but all it really serves to do is muddy the waters by trying to force some level of intimacy on Ryan and Laura before the big confrontation at the Hackett House. But that confrontation itself should have been the thing that forged that intimacy between them and allowed them to go on to fight Silas together.
Overall, I think it's a major sign that the back third of the game got a very rushed and, frankly, bad chop job (which we know is true) and that they struggled to tie the resulting loose threads off in a way that made any kind of narrative sense. It's a shame, because the writing in The Quarry is actually way better than most people give it credit for, it just wasn't allowed to pay off in a lot of ways that clearly were intended.
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grimmweepers · 3 days
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life comes at you so fast
#tw personal#tw death#tw cancer#not my usual silly goofy post but it’s hard to remain that way when there’s a lot weighing on your mind#cancer sucks#and it’s unfair how quickly it can take people from us#one moment they seem fine and the next they’re in the icu with a week left to live#he passed two nights ago#i wasn’t planning to post about it but i have the tendency to disassociate from my grief#so here i am instead of wherever the hell!#it’s heartbreaking because he and his wife weren’t just my mum’s bosses - they were long-time friends#i have clear childhood memories of playing at their house with their son#his youngest child is only 3 years old#as soon as he found out he started giving his final messages to his staff#obviously nobody wants to die in that situation#but you could feel how much he *wanted to live*#when i was told about his death it was in the morning and it didn’t feel real#every time i had seen him in the last year he always had a smile on his face#it’s always been hard for me to deal with the prospect of death#and understand how fragile life is#how REAL mortality is#it hits even harder when it happens to someone who was so FULL of life#sighs#life comes at you fast#sometimes in all directions and in every possible and testing way imaginable#i’ve been trying to write and feel any sense of normalcy this evening but for a multitude of reasons i have a sinking feeling in my stomach#sometimes when i’m upset i try recycle the feeling into excitement or happiness over something else#yeah … i can’t really do that tonight#apologies if my energy is bleh. hold your loved ones close. now i return you to my regular scheduled programming
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kyouka-supremacy · 3 months
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(´・ᴗ・ ` )
#Alright lil blog update. Running the reblogs queue again tonight (yay!). Been procrastinating it for like? four months now?#I'm not going to fix the order anymore in a crazy pattern that only I can see. And like the point as always been#“it's only for myself‚ because I like seeing the posts all ordinately lined up ☺️”. But it does start being a problem when.#It actually blocks me from reblogging alltogether. Or makes me end up with 978 posts in the queue and 15584 in the drafts#(lol) (yeah)#Anyways had to write it down publicly because last time I said “screw it I'm not going to post in order anymore”#I lasted exactly one (1) day#Mmmmmmmmhhhhhhhh#I need to make space in the queue so I've set 20 posts in the night / morning for the time being.#Probably going to tag less because again. the posts are piling up. Sorry everyone#So like... After this string of disappointing (and possibly irrelevant?) updates. Feel free to unfollow me etc. etc.#(Mututals included? I really hold no bad feeling I know I post a lot. I don't care about mutualism if we're friends we're friends)#Have a nice day / night!!!#random rambles#Btw for anyone wondering my previous queue lineup was 4 fanarts / 2 other category posts / 4 fanarts / 2 other category posts etc.#(other category could be like. gifsets together. analysis together. textposts of approximately the same length together etc. )#And fanarts had to be coherent between each other for characters / composition / oftentimes color palette#Anyways. Winning over ocd today 💪💪#(I say as I didn't pick this month specifically because the second half of the year starts together with it. Anyways)#ManBreakingChainsMeme.png#Edit: Just remembered this all started because I accidentally hit shuffle queue two or three weeks ago#When it happened I had a mental breakdown and cried for two hours but looking back. Maybe it was really godsent
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dreamlogic · 8 months
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2024 year of charlie gets a fucking break (hopefully. maybe. tbd.)
#ctxt#i'm on medication that's reduced my post-hysterectomy pain by about 70%#i have an intake appointment with a physical therapist in march & a referral to start trigger point injections#to hopefully finally recover as completely as possible from the nightmarish neuropathy that's plagued me since uuuhhhh#going on 2 years ago. holy shit. genuinely can't believe i've been surviving & functioning as well as i have for this long#while suffering a disabling & extremely painful surgical complication. fuck my original surgeon for brushing me off during that time#but the new provider i'm working with is so responsive & thorough in her approach & seems genuinely committed#to helping me finally get relief after all this time. she listens to my feedback & is flexible in her approach#and her assistant is a great communicator who's been handling most of the logistics of care coordination for me#and what a huge fucking relief that is. to not have to drag my doctors kicking & screaming towards maybe treating me eventually#i wanna cry. i finally feel like i'm being taken seriously and cared for. and i'm not BETTER yet (might never be the same as i was pre-op)#but i actually feel optimistic for the first time in over a year that i won't just have to deal with this agonizing pain on my own forever#i might actually see enough improvement that i can start to get back to living my life instead of just surviving it#money is tighter than it's been since i got laid off during early pandemic and that's stressing me out#but i promised myself that i would put my health first in 2024 and that means only working the bare minimum needed to pay my bills for now#genuinely i so fucking needed a break. i felt like i was trying to swim through a meat grinder last year#and it wasn't until i ended up in the ER about it that i finally was able to take my own pain seriously enough#to put my foot down & make some necessary changes that are now letting me focus on Getting Well With Myself at last#in hindsight it's like. really freaking me out how thoroughly i was able to compartmentalize & dissociate from how miserable i was#bc nobody who had the ability to help me would take me seriously & my shitty boss was like. extremely textbook emotionally abusive#and on one hand that was a survival mechanism that kept me on my feet during one of the worst times of my life. so props to myself there#but it was also very maladaptive how long & unnecessarily it went on before i snapped out of it & escalated things for my own safety#it was the same helpless frustration i often felt as a kid of like 'well nobody is on my side but me so i gotta suck it up & help myself'#and i think the family trauma shit that was going on last year definitely contributed to that. idk sense of doubling across time?#and things had to get Extremely Bad before they were bad enough for me to realize that although i felt like it#i am no longer an isolated & parentified island of a child who is beholden to the whims of ignorant & indifferent adults#i actually can and should take action to advocate for myself bc i am an adult and i CAN now change my circumstances as needed#instead of just enduring them as if i'm stuck there with no agency or chance to change things#and i have a really solid support system who helped me feel like it was possible to stand up for myself to get the help i desperately need#chronic blogging
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gibbearish · 7 months
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its been fun watching the hbomb subreddit try very very hard to stick to the "if anyone harasses james on my behalf they wont see the light of heaven" by imo overcorrecting to "any time anyone mentions somerton ever it's because you're obsessed with him and want to pick on him because he's the villain of the week" bc its like. yknow actually i dont think people keeping an eye on his various attempts to weasel back into the spotlight and keep doing his same old shit over the last /two months/ is the same as harassing him because it's hip and fun. i think maybe those are not the same thing
#and like obv yes its possible to do both but idk#im just kinda like. 'dont harass him' and 'ignore him completely even if hes continuing to do shitty things' are um#different. those are different#origibberish#i will say though that subreddit is very good for gauging if im getting weirdly parasocial at him#like i still have yet to do that at a celebrity i like afaik because i just. Dont Like Celebrities usually#so now that i have one (1) that autism brain has finally decided to look up to im like Uh Oh Is It Finally Time#and then i see posts on there sometimes and im like. ohhh ok no i get it now#and i mean i can see why they feel that way‚ its the hbomb subreddit and Thats The Most Recent Hbomb Video#and it had yknow. immediate and impressive results#so of course people are going to a) talk about it a lot and b) talk about the aftermath as it happens#and if youre in the 'only talking about this one guy' group and that one guy has only talked about one other guy in the last Year#like. yeah . youre mostly gonna be hearing about that guy#oh parasocial abt hbomb not abt somerton i just realized how the phrasing there was weird jwhfksbfk#that being said i literally made a post like two weeks ago abt how i didnt actually know his first name so like i think im probably good#my scope of knowledge about him extends Exclusively to whats In His Videos#or well and i guess to like. patreon posts too but i tend to just dismiss patreon notifs without reading them a lot KENFKSNFMDB#like yeah yeah this show i follow posted their podcast i dont follow early for patreon subs i dont care get out of my way
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aren’t we getting kiwami 3 eventually? why are some people so upset? /gen
TECHNICALLY rgg just said they'd LIKE to make a YK3, they never said it's a definite plan or it'd happen anytime soon: it depends on if mine's voice actor can come back to reprise his role
as for why some people are upset ermmmmm good question!
#snap chats#i can assume part of it is because majima's always gotten a lot of attention despite not being a proper protagonist#and they felt that all the attention towards him took away from other rgg charas- mine included#but like ... kind of paradoxical problem now innit he IS a proper solo protagonist now. attention warranted ig lol#again it's kind of ironic cause maybe last year people were upset that majima wasnt getting as much attention as they thought he should#In All Fairness i was one of the people irked by this sentiment so i think its a feeling of like.#'oh all their whining got them what they want' if i had to describe it in. The Most Rudest Way possible VJLEKEJAK#though it's not as if rgg makes games specifically for their fans they just make whatever they want#but still some people probably feel like this game is just a product of the constant majima whining/fanservice#as for why minedai fans specifically are upset im p sure it is just cause of that yk3 mention some time back#and since then people had been waaay more focused on mine and the possibility of him coming back or being referened#that also being paired with richardson surviving in y8 it definitely starts to set up a recipe of resentment#yk some people think its not fair richardson can come back but not mine etcetc#in retrospect this whole thing is really funny cause wasnt i just being perplexed by the uptick of mine begging a couple weeks ago#truly watching a butterfly effect in real time: richardson alone survives the fall -> pirate majima caused civil war on rggtwt#anyway i think i lied about that hot pocket ive had time to sit and digest it and im full from this beer im sipping#maybe ill just eat grapes ... we got cotton candy grapes and i love em ..
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myrinthinks · 1 year
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Okay so does tumblr just straight up not remember previously used tags anymore at all or is that a problem on my end?
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clementiens · 1 year
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wulfhall · 2 years
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wanting to experience love and romance but absolutely everyone gives me the ick
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goldensunset · 1 year
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Happy one month until tears of the kingdom 🎉
WAUGH YOU’RE RIGHT
#time is passing soso quickly…#june 2019 feels like it was only yesterday#we’ve really been waiting for this game for almost four years huh#now suddenly it’s like that’s way too soon oh man just a month#can’t believe it’s even happening feels like this was never supposed to be a real game just a myth#i’m gonna be out of school in less than a month… probably working in less than a month…#funny my brother has been saying for years now ‘once botw2 comes out i’m gonna request an entire week off of work’ LOL#imagine if i did that lol. hey i know i’ve been here for two days but it’s really important i need to play this game right now#man this summer is about to be lit… a real and interesting job… a game i’ve been waiting for for years…#i’ll be in class for the final trailer tomorrow AUGH#maybe i just shouldn’t watch it anyway. like just to avoid spoilers#i wanna go in as blind as possible actually#me from a year or so ago would’ve NEVER passed up the chance to get more info on totk but that’s bc i needed crumbs to sustain me#but now it’s like. hey it’ll be here in a month anyway and i’ve got other stuff to do in that time#same with the gameplay showcase i haven’t seen that#i’ve had all the relevant tags filtered on here for like a month ever since the art book leaked#just gonna leave ‘em on#once we get closer to the date itself i might eventually log off indefinitely#actually that’s probably gonna happen anyway#if it’s anything like last summer having a job and a game to play over the summer means i don’t need tumblr to fill my time#anyway this has been a ramble sorry#asks#rosie-kairi
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moinsbienquekaworu · 1 year
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I thought I'd keep my Emotional Support Fic Yearly Reread for september/october when I'll be stressed out of my mind living alone with paperwork and schoolwork to do but actually I think right now is a good time
#the first time i read it was what. two and a half years ago?#i was in a very different (worse) place but i still need my cloth fanfic y'know#because i'm already stressed out about paperwork and living arrangements and mental & physical health#the fic is pacify btw. it's good to focus on someone else's struggles and pain and recovery#especially when those other someones are not real people and i don't have to really feel bad they're going through atrocious shit#also the songs i associate with the fic (which are many) are songs i don't want to listen to too much outside of pacify rereads#they're really good i just try not to listen to them without pacify because i don't want to stop associating them with the fic#they're - i've already said it but they're split in three parts#one that runs from the start to that moment in the tower during the battle#then from there til the evil is vainquished in the coolest way possible#and then til the end of part 7 since the author is still still working on part 8#so part one is handmade heaven - fear and loathing - karma‚ all by marina#part two is nobody and washing machine heart by mitski#and part three is the 7 minute version of plastic love by mariya takeuchi and happy by mitski#the songs don't actually fit the fic that much but they fit it in my head by association so whatever#hopefully i'll manage to finish my diptych project thing this summee#summer* ugh#anyway back to reading#i've reached the bit where Someone is made aware that some people have an expiration date and go fuck it we ball#not giving names because last time i did that i had to defend myself before a jury of my mutuals and i don't need that right now#it's just. it's a good part. well no it sucks for everyone it's the part that hurts (half of the fic) but like. it's good#wow i have a ramble tag now
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likedbyuarmyhope · 1 year
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i love festa i’ve been waiting all year its my favorite thing ever and im so excited to see what they’ve been preparing for us... im in this bangtan sonyeondan shit for life
#my 6 years with bts passed exactly a month ago and i hope i'll have so many more years with them#as soon as like 2 years passed and i was still loving them more every day i realized this was something special#all of my previous fandoms had lasted for maybe a few months#to this day i havent been continuously active in any other fandom for more than like a year or so#there might be things i still like yknow like for example i got into my sports animes a little before bts and i still love them#but ive moved on from the fandoms and i dont rly keep up with news very actively or anything and i dont think about them all the time#but with bts its like every day i find new things to love about them and new ways to interpret their music#new details in their songs i'd never caught before new tidbits from old interviews i'd never seen before#every day i love them more and more and more until i think there cant possibly be any more love left in me#and then tomorrow comes and i love them even MORE!!!!#i will never act embarrassed or joke about being cringe bc i like bts i just will never do that. they have saved my life#and not only have they saved it they've directly improved it. they've made me the person i am#without them i might be in a completely different place or even a similar place but feeling so much more miserable and worried about things#i know that i am content with where i am solely because of bts' impact on my mindset and my perspective on life and living and growing up#this has turned into a love letter but yknow what its good practice for the letter im gonna write them in my journal on 6.13 <3#aeron.txt
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naggingatlas · 2 years
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you dont think its possible to feel like youre having a heart attack from a deltarune animation set to living fucking tombstone wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong
#^ read wrong the way wayne says years inside the ring years inside the ring in the sweepstakes#the hyperlink one. its the hyperlink one the other one sucks gallons of ass in comparison im so sorry to the creator im typing w my nerve#endings#like i saw it and was like oh cute its that song i liked a couple years ago yea it fits him ^u^ cool outro BUT#THEY DIDNT INCLUDE THE PART THAT JUST. COMPLETELY RIPS YOU TO SHREDS DUDE LIKE IM SWEATING THINKING ABOUT#IF I FALL I THINK ILL FLY. TOUCH ME. MIDAS. MAKE ME PART OF YOUR DESIGN. NONE TO. GUIDE US. I FEEL FEAR FOR THE VERY LAST TIME *AND*#ITS THE FUCKING SNEO BATTLE. LIKE THATS ONE OF THE MOST IMPACTFUL PIECES OF DELTARUNE FANART THATRE POSSIBLE TO CONCEIVE.#AND THE SOUND DESIGN AND INTERPRETATION OF SNEO'S ATTACKS INTO A MORE PHYSICAL PALPABLE SETTING ITS total schizo mode activation#i saw it when i woke up today (4hoursago) and having gotten to the sneo fight just before bed yesterday it made my whole body tense up and#i just had to go try beat him again. and i did w sound off listening to ordinary life. and i added 3 more stages to my average score#did not fucking beat him obv both the secret bosses are insanely difficult for a mediocre bullethell player but.#really boosted my confidence. i gave jevil off to danny for him to beat. i want to beat spam myself. i need to#honestly dont get people who dislike spam unless theyre only familiar w like. the fanon interpretation or whatever its absolute garbage#a lot of the time but in game. hes just the funniest most peculiar fucking character as everyone in deltarune is. yea hes overhyped but#for a reason baby. hes well written in the parts that we dont see and well executed in the parts we encounter. everything surrounding him#is just so beautifully purposefully out of place and uneasy and psychotic its beautiful. how the fuck can u say he's boring. how.#i adore toby's decision to make this chapter's secret boss much more prominent than jevil i hope they get some interaction as effed up#roomies of kris's pocket lint. not in a shippy way tho thatd be hilarious but just. oh ure kinda like me huh. mb we could be friends#and then they turn into a cartoon fight cloud and u randomly hear their screams when checkin the inventory#but seriously making them at least amicable towards each other would carry a lot of meaning & strengthen the#'if freedom is being completely cut off from society and more importantly your friends for the rest of ur life is it really worth it#for just a glimpse of heaven of ultimate knowledge or maybe peace' narrative of jevil and spam#honestly i think the fact that u probably have to seek out the secret bosses to get the best true ending and that theyre so so#much harder than anything else in their chapters and that theyre all connected to gaster and it makes me think#they carry much of the burden of deltarune's subtext's meaning i mean the subtext carries onto the text onto the main gang's#realtionships uhmmmmmm idk i have to work ill prolly. make a post about this when im finished w everything. and a comic about the sbs.
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smp-live · 2 years
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actually im feeling a little bit ill over the fact that its actually done now
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what-even-is-thiss · 2 months
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The reason people don’t want to work is that it’s just normal for them to be in bad work environments.
My issue with working at Walmart wasn’t the work itself I was doing. It was the circumstances around it. The concrete floor, lack of places to sit, having to put up with asshole customers, not getting time off for injuries, and bad pay.
If I had been given shock pads to stand on or a few chairs to rest on sometimes, if they paid me a livable amount of money and I was allowed to yell back at asshole customers, if they had given me any amount of training, I would happily work part time folding clothes all day and telling people where the swimsuit section is.
I’m a creative type. I’m a writer. I’m pretty smart, even. But if I could make a living folding shirts and listening to podcasts in one ear and helping people find the scented candles for 30 hours a week? I would. Leaves some mental space free for me to brainstorm. Lets me catch up on my reading with audiobooks.
But instead I was treated so badly by upper management and customers that I’m like legitimately a little frightened whenever I step into a Walmart now. And I only worked there for three months a few years ago.
I’m a good lower level worker. When I’m treated well. I like finishing tasks. I like being helpful. I like having some time to talk to coworkers and some time alone with my thoughts. I’m a frickin team player. And that’s how I was at my first job. I was treated well by my supervisor. I was trained. They were patient with me. I was so good at being low on the totem pole at that job because I was valued and felt like I was being listened to. I was able to sit still when there was nothing left to do which made it feel less bad when we were on a time crunch. I didn’t mind working hard at that job because it was fun even though I was doing all the low level stuff that the supervisors didn’t want do.
But at Walmart I was like that for all of two days. Then I figured out that nobody appreciated my work and if I worked in my normal people pleasing manner I’d kill myself because their standards were high and the rewards for meeting them were low.
So I slowed down. I started avoiding customers. I started taking a lot longer to get to my breaks and to come back from them. I became worse at my job because no matter how good I was at it there would be no reward, no appreciation, and I’d just be pushed further beyond my limits.
My only level of happiness from that job came from the people who were working with me. The old ladies and my department manager who made sure I wasn’t overextending myself. The one other young man working in the clothing department who always got sent with me to unload the heavy stuff and commiserated with me about the shoulder injuries, the hurting feet we were too young to have.
But none of that was enough to make me stay. We were constantly understaffed. I was constantly abused by customers and not able to do a thing about it. I was not paid much at all. So as soon as I had enough saved up for what I was trying to do and my last semester of college was about to start I handed in my two weeks.
I would have found a way to stay if I liked that job. If I liked that job I would’ve pushed myself to my mental limits to finish college and keep that job at the same time. Heck that job could’ve been a rest from college. A place to get away from it. But I hate that job so I got out as soon as I could.
I want to work. I want enough money to live sort of comfortably. I want to have some tasks to do to give my creativity a rest. I want to be a part of something. But the way that modern corporate run work environments are set up does not give me any of the things I actually want out of a job. And I think that’s the same for millions of people right now. A lot of people would happily spend their lives as a waitress or an Uber driver or a warehouse worker or a farmhand or any other “low skill” job you can possibly think of. But with the way the world works right now those jobs are absolutely miserable. It doesn’t have to be that way. I know because I’ve had a fulfilling part time minimum wage job that I looked forward to going to every week. A job where I was listened to and allowed to sit when I needed to. I miss that job. Especially now since I’ve realized that’s not the standard. It should be. People should look forward to going to work or at the very least not get mild ptsd whenever they set foot into a Walmart.
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genderdog · 4 months
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chat is it normal to feel completely desensitized to feeling constantly sick that when you’re actually sick you feel like it’s not enough to warrant it
#due to long covid or possibly weed usage or a mixture honestly still very unsure#i was incredibly nauseous pretty much constantly and would be sick daily for weeks at a time#that lasted like a year i still get flare ups of that if i over exert myself but it’s like basically fine now#but now i have disease that makes me nauseous and throw up and im like. okay 👍#this doesn’t feel like big enough of a problem#like those are my main symptoms but it feels like they’re meaningless bc ive had this just normally before#i haven’t been able to eat or even drink really without feeling or being sick#hoping i wont vomit again tonight almost every time ive eaten since yesterday i have and i had dinner like an hour ago#sorry so fucking tmi i feel really weird talking to anyone about this but i feel like i need to bc ??? fucked up idk#really fucking dehydrated also which is helping me not be sick but i think is giving me more of a headache#i have bad health ocd stuff also so i keep thinking im faking for various reasons anyways#i feel like thinking about this is going to make it reality even though i start thinking about it bc im feeling it#i keep trying to just make myself normal and not experience any of these symptoms bc i feel like i can control it (i cannot)#it’s only with nausea stuff bc it all surrounds emetophobia i know i can’t like stop a sore throat or something but this comes out of me#i could just not#sorry for talking way too in depth about my diseased body and mind#i had a super strong stomach as a kid like went 7 years or something without vomiting and then this shit started idk if the way i do it is#normal??? like this sounds so stupid but i feel like im subconsciously forcing it to happen bc idk how it’s supposed to be and it doesn’t#feel as bad as it should be#i think the fact it’s happening at all is bad but it feels like im being overdramatic#anyways yeah ive been feeling like shit lol i hate this stuff bc while i have the actual physical stuff i also start getting ten billion#mental problems about it as well#emetophobia#vent
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