#is that a productive thing to think? maybe not. but idk following that thread could make my life more interesting

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[wangxianficrecs]

Fic Finder

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1.  Hi, I'm looking for an Untamed fic, maybe you'll be able to help. It's a canon divergence AU in which WWX doesn't lose his core, Jiang Fengmian lives and it's implied that his core was transferred to JC (heavily implied; JFM retires as the Sect Leader after that). This is absolutely not the most important part of this fic but it's a paragraph that I've got stuck in my head and now I'm searching for the rest @_@ Thanks in advance! ~ @otemporaetmores

FOUND! by @notsobabblespace, who was reminded of  I’m aching and I know you are too by edenwolfie (part 3 in series, M, 23k, wangxian)

FOUND!  by @jim-is-spocks-thyla, who suggests ❤️ to arrive late is better than not to arrive at all by Moominmammashandbag (M, 35k, wangxian) [ETA:  Oops, not this one.  JFM has no core, but he didn’t give it to JC]

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2.  Hi Mojo! I’m in need of you/your followers help in finding a fic that I read a little while ago. It was a fic where Wei WuXian and Lan WangJi lived together in Cloud Recesses and their children were Sizhui and an OOC that was younger than him. I remember SiZhui faced a lot of criticism for not being the chief cultivator’s real child? And they were happy he had a younger sibling that would be sect leader in the future because he was blood. Come to think of it, this is probably an ABO fic too. Thanks for your time 💜

FOUND! @andidontmeanto believes this is Blue Blood by PotterheadAvengerDemigod (T, 91k, wangxian, my post)

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3.  Aksks it's like 3 am but I just remembered a fic and I can't find it?? I'd really, really appreciate your help. It was a wangxian fic, maybe a oneshot idk, and lwj was kind of a nerd and wwx a badboy? So basically lwj has a massive crush on him and dresses up like wwx etc. (i think he even got an undercut) and after a party they sleep with each other at lwj's place?

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4.  i’m looking for a fic set in the where lwj’s mother killed his father? i don’t think that was a main plot point but it did show up in his backstory - any idea what this might be? ~ @thehype

FOUND!  @rentslirott thinks this could be ❤️the best of you by sysrae (E, 42k, wangxian, my post)

FOUND!  @castaways-logbook offers  The Right to Care by travelingneuritis (E, 39k, wangxian, WIP)

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5.  ... same as #6 ...

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6.  Hello friend, sorry for the inconvenience but I wanted to see if you could please find me a fic that I lost but I only remember more or less the final part, it goes more or less like this, lan zhan and wei ying are kidnapped by jin guangyao and lock them up if not I'm wrong in some cells next to lan xichen after the fights jin guangyao dies but lan xichen did know how bad jin guangyao had done and he didn't care and then to get revenge he wants to kill wei ying but lan zhan kills him and sizhui gets scared It was more or less like that, please help me ~ @isa0123lol

FOUND!  by @wangxiansfics who says that tragically it’s no longer available, but @dulachodladh found it on WaybackMachine here: Thread and Needle by haysel (M, 86k, wangxian)

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7.  Hi, Mojo! I'm glad that you're back but I hope you enjoyed your time off tumblr! Can you and/or your followers help me find a fic? I think the summary was talking about wwx and somehow they were asking mingjue for help since he's the only one who can help. The summary was in italics and it's a dialogue from some guy? And a shorter summary below. Sadly this is the only thing I can remember but I hope you can still help me

FOUND!  @alwayswenning suggests love, in fire and blood by cicer (E, 360k, wangxian, has it’s own fanfic here, I just finished this last night!, my bookmark)

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8.  Sorry to bombard you as soon as you're back, but this one's driving me crazy--a modern AU where they met online. WWX thinks LWJ is an old man from how he talks. I don't remember much except the excerpt made it seem like he still was amused by/enjoyed talking to him, and Wen Qing was telling him it was a bad idea and to stop. It's not How to Fall In Love With a Catfish, tho that one is brilliant! (Also any top notch identity porn would be great) Hope your break was restful, you deserve it! Thanks

Here’s my #identity porn tag, but I’m not sure about this exact story.

I'm the anon for #8 on the fic finder. Though I'm excited to read it, the suggested fic isn't the one I was looking for. I swear I thought I saw it on here around a month ago or slightly more, but searches have failed me.

FOUND!  Rating: General Audiences by Mishaa (T, 18k, wangxian WIP) -  mysterious author LWJ (speculated to be an old man because of his formality) and infamous artist WWX paired up for an Untamed Big Bang (in an AU where JGY was the series’ antiheroic protagonist; this fic was written before the release of CQL.)

FOUND?  could you be looking for  Something Real by Latios (G, 5k, wangxian, my post) - wwx thinks lwj is an old man, but there’s no WQ.  There are many pictures of bunnies.

SIMILAR! @emilysidhe thought of ID Bro Saga by Bowandtie (T, 39k, wangxian)

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9.  Hey, how are you? Could you help me please? I've read 3 fanfics once, but I can't find them anymore. 1 - Nanny Problem, Wei is going to be the babysitter of A-Yuan, he is an omega and Lan is an alpha. 2 - Doctor Perfect, Yibo is an omega nurse and Xiao is an alpha doctor. 3 - The Baby of my Omega, Yibo is omega and Xiao is alpha, both of them are bodyguards, but Yibo has to protect Xiao in the beginning. I think they were at ao3, but I really can't find them. Can you help me please? Thank you!! ~ @weallmad

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10.  Hi! Im happy you’re back. I hope you had a good break. I missed your recommendations, but at the same time i got a break from fics and actually studied to my tests haha.  [Ah!  I’m glad to hear your time was spent productively!]  I’m looking for a fic like Linger in the Sun by etymologyplayground. In the fic im looking for wangxian slowly lose their senses instead of all of them at once. Like they lose their hearing, then touch, sight etc, They can’t see each other or hear each other. I’m sorry i can’t explain very well.

FOUND?  Could you be thinking of  ❤️shadows in the sun rise by Yuu_chi (E, 25k, wangxian)?  Only lwj losese his senses one by one in this one, though.

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11.  heyyy im trying to find this fic where wwx died the first time he was thrown in to the burial mounds then 10 years later he gets resurrected or something. I can't find it on AO3 and it's been bugging me for days. Thank you!

FOUND!  Well, @moku-youbi offers both of these as possibilities:

Did I Not Explain Why the Sunset Turns Red? by 3988Akasha (E, 100k, wangxian)

we're starting at the end by Miss_Enthusiasimal (M, 95k, wangxian)

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12.  Hi I am looking for a fic where wwx is a witch (/mage?) in a world where magic is being persecuted (especially in Gusu) except for Yunmeng/Lanling I think but they're still frowned upon nonetheless. Then after accidentally hurting Shijie, wwx runs away, and ends up hiding in Gusu pretending to be a servant to lwj (lwj is a prince, lxc is the emperor) but lwj actually knows of his identity and tries not-so-discreetly to protect him from being caught. Thanks!

FOUND! by @bibliobasilisk who gives us Witchfinder by misbehavingvigilante (E, 86k, wangxian)

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13.  Hi! Firstly, I'm glad to see you're back, and I hope your break was a good one! I'm trying to find a LWJ/WWX story that I had planned to read and ending up losing before I could. It was set in the immediate aftermath of the 33 lashes, LWJ is in the Jingshi recovering when a healer(?) discovers he's pregnant (by WWX). It may have been a/b/o verse, but I'm not 100% on that. Part of the story was a flashback to when WWX was still alive. Thank you!

FOUND!  by nonny themself.  It’s Unexpected Surprise by Glucose_Gremlin (E, 4k, wangxian)

SIMILAR! @mondelgel suggests my heart is kept as pure as ice in a jade vase/一片冰心在玉壶 by Daledesu (M, 21k, wangxian, WIP)

SIMILAR! from @impending-cuttlefish:  something new, something white, something blue by ariskamalt (E, 140k, wangxian, WIP)

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14.  I'm trying to find this one fic where Jin Ling finds this diary that Wei Ying wrote as the Yiling Patriarch that basically reveals everything, including the golden core reveal and it even has training tips that helps Jon Ling improve. When Wei Ying comes back, he tries everything to keep him there because he is THE best uncle now. I need to find it because it is a N E E D.

FOUND? by @theladypeartree who says, “The Truth (Untold) is jl reading jyl's journals, not wwx's though. And mordant is jl returning wwx's journals that he found, not grew up with. Neither fit #14 properly, but I seriously could not find anything closer after two solid days of searching. Good luck!“

The Truth (Untold) by anxiouswreck0_0 (g, 3k, wangxian, jin ling & wei wuxian)

or this one on ffn:

mordant by tennisnotensai (M, 18k, wangxian, here’s the link for mobile)

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15.  I have heard tell of a Sizhui/Jingyi fic where the boys end up going to Wangxian for advice about how to be intimate. Can you help me find it?

FOUND!  @manaika-chan says this one is On Advisement by LaMachina17 (M, 19k, wangxian, zhuiling, chengyi)

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16.  nm

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17.  Hi! Sorry, do you happen to know that nsfw fic where wwx is still studying in the cloud recesses and he’s reading a novel (im not sure if it was from nhs) that features a cultivator couple and there’s a scene in the book where the woman was pegging her husband? Basically wwx got curious about this and tried fingering himself. I remember he was hiding in the back mountains and then lwj eventually caught him

FOUND?  Could you be thinking of  Deep in the Woods by malkinmalkout (E, 5k, wangxian, my post)?

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18.  Ahhh I'm going crazy trying to think of a fic that I've read where Lan Zhan killed Wen Chao in a locker room and nie huaisang stood guard outside the door! Then lan zhan went to lan huan and said I killed someone and he said did they deserve it? Then it's fine. And I can't remember the name of the fic! Have you heard of it? ~ @uchihaautumn

FOUND! @artemisisdiana offers So Full Of Love (Wouldn't Know Where to Start) by witchupbitch (M, 54k, wangxian, WIP)

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19.  Hi, I was wondering if you could help me find a fic. I read it a while ago and I don't really remember all the details but it was a modern au where Lan Wangji was a police officer in this small town and Wei Wuxian comes back after years, having left the town due to some stuff. Thank you in advance.

Btw love your blog. I live for your fic recs.  [Thank you!]

FOUND?  Could you be looking for medium blues by dark_and_terrible (E,193k,  wangxian)?  It appears to be taken down atm, but it might come back (it’s done it before).

FOUND! by @grannyweatherwaxshat who offers When a Bird Flies, It Leaves Feathers by Bem_Kofi (not rated, 75k, wangxian)

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20.  Hi mojo!! First of all I luv your blog Thank you so much for all those ficrecs.  [You’re welcome!]  Actually I’m looking for a fic I read months ago. I probably found the fic from your blog. But I can’t seem to find it now 😢 it was a modern au wangxian fic (inspired by call me by ur name?) wwx was like 5 years older than lwj. (And lwj was like 16?) Wwx lives in another city but he spent around a year in cloud recesses with lwj in the past. And wwx yanli and jc visits cloud recesses again and wangxian gets 2gether

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[My ko-fi.]

[kakakakashi]

Hokage’s Office: The Door

100 Follower Celebration - Day 5

Kakashi Hatake x Reader || NSFW

Warnings: porn without plot, Kakashi’s a smug motherfucker, cursing obviously, overstimulation, idk man, you know what you’re getting into by day 5 

Word count: 2,855

A/N: I think this one is my favorite tbh. 

- 

Irritated was an understatement for how Kakashi currently felt. He’d been dealing with too many frivolous problems all day long. Even with Shizune and Yamato’s help, Kakashi was still up to his neck in bullshit. He was the Hokage for crying out loud.

When he trudged back into his office with a cup of black coffee to help get him through the day, he found you swaying back and forth in his chair with your feet propped on the edge of the desk while you read his work copy of Icha Icha Paradise. Frankly, Kakashi didn’t have the patience for this.

You’d made him late this morning after trying to entice him with morning sex, but Yamato had ended up knocking on his door right when things were getting good. His friend insisted that they were both needed in the office, and he was sent to make sure Kakashi was okay. Kakashi ended up going into work only for you to pester him all day until now.

“Feet off the desk,” he demanded in an exasperated, low tone. You rolled your eyes at him, pretending like you didn’t hear while you flipped a page in the book. “Don’t think I didn’t see you roll your eyes.”

“Fine,” you huffed, allowing your feet to loudly plop on the floor, hoping to get your point across that a lot worse things have happened to the desk. However, Kakashi seemed to snap at your brattiness, stalking forward until his large frame towered over you.

“I’ve had it with your attitude.” Your wide eyes met his narrowed one for a moment before he threw you over his shoulder and carried you towards the door. “You think I don’t know exactly what you’re doing? I don’t have time for your immature little act. I really don’t want to give into you, but maybe if I do fuck you, you’ll finally do something more productive with your time.”

He flung you from his shoulder so your back lightly smacked against the door. He knew exactly where to position you so that when he put you down, you were only an inch off the ground with his thigh between your legs and his hands beside your head.

His flaming eye and intimidating stature had you panting, allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable with no way to escape. Gazing at him, you’re reminded that he is a deadly shinobi, and you’re also painfully aware that you want him to ruin you.

“By the time I’m finished with you, you’ll be lucky if you can walk out of here.”

His voice sent a shiver of arousal down your spine, settling in your lower stomach while his fingers fiddled with your pants until they were undone. Once they were about to fall off your hips, he knelt down on the floor, not breaking eye contact with you until his gloved hands fisted in the fabric of your pants to tug them off along with your underwear. He maneuvered one of your feet out of the fabric before hooking it over his shoulder, effectively spreading your legs for him. Meanwhile, his free hand already had a finger hooked in the edge of his mask.

Watching him in this position had your pulse racing. The sin behind his eyes had you weak at the knees, and he knew he had you right where he wanted you. If his eyes didn’t say it, the smug smirk he exposed when he pulled his mask down sure did. He mumbled, “You know the word.”

“Yes.”

His gaze darted down from your eyes to between your legs where you knew you were already wet. The air felt far too cold hitting your folds, and you knew Kakashi would taunt you for being so eager. As if reading your mind, you heard the chuckle he let out under his breath. Your eyes fluttered closed in anticipation, your palms flat against the door balling into fists out of frustration. However, you nearly lost your balance when Kakashi’s tongue unexpectedly darted out to give a gentle lick to your folds.

The gasp that tore from your mouth had him laughing to himself again, his huffed breath fanning against your slick core, prompting another shiver throughout your body. Kakashi’s gloved palms gently took hold of your thigh over his shoulder along with your other hip before he buried his face between your legs and pressed his tongue to your clit, circling the small bud to give you the friction you desperately craved.

A soft, breathy whine escaped your throat while one of your hands gently threaded your fingers through his hair in encouragement. He retreated for only a moment, licking a thick stripe from your entrance to your clit, where he flicked at it with the tip of his tongue only to wrap his lips around it and suck. Your back arched into the contact, head flung back, and you could feel Kakashi’s smirk against your pussy. His tongue began drawing patterns, making your breath hitch in your throat with each stroke of his tongue. You did your best to stay still against the door, well aware of why Kakashi wanted you in that exact spot.

He kept working you so well with his tongue, alternating from his incoherent patterns in favor of dragging his mouth down to your entrance where his tongue circled you before dipping inside. You glanced at Kakashi only to find him completely concentrated, filthily pumping his tongue inside you while pleasure gradually accumulated in your body. The sight of him, eyes closed and swollen lips lapping at you like you were his last meal had you biting your lip to keep from moaning, but Kakashi knew what you had done.

He retracted his tongue and licked his slick, swollen lips before his eyes met yours. He demanded in a rough voice, “Let me hear you.”

“Kakashi, someone’s going to hear.” You panted out, trying your best to hiss at him, but your words only came out more desperate than anything.

Kakashi’s lips were on your inner thigh now, his teeth nipping on the skin hard enough to leave a mark. The sensation had your hips involuntarily bucking in search of friction, and Kakashi’s lips tugged upward. “Darling,” he mumbled with his lips still brushing against the tender flesh so close to where you needed him, “we both know you love the thought of someone hearing us as much as I do, so don’t play so coy.”

Your head rolled back again while you whined out wantonly, your brows furrowed in frustration. Of course the little shit knew what he was doing when he put you against the door. He wanted people to hear you, how much you wanted him. It never ceased to amaze him how such a powerful person who was feared by nations would turn to putty in his hands, begging for him so desperately it would make Jiraya blush.

“Go, on. Let everyone hear those pretty little sounds you make for me.” His mouth found its way to your clit again, puckering his lips around it and sucking hard. The shock of the sensation had you drawing in a loud gasp, and Kakashi’s words rumbled against your heat, “Attagirl.”

That drew a soft moan out of you, and it only continued to motivate him to get more out of you. He began using his tongue again, tilting his head to cover more area while your grip on his hair tightened a bit. Your hips loosened up with each roll of his tongue against you until he did something that made them stutter unexpectedly. He repeated his previous action, and a sound caught in your throat. He continued that motion, alternating between it and sucking on your clit just how you liked it, even going so far as to scrape his teeth against the bud a few times just to get you to cry out in shock.

The cloudier your mind got, the louder your soft sounds of pleasure became, and the louder you were, the more Kakashi gave you. When you began to feel that all-consuming flame in your gut, you started moving your hips in time with Kakashi’s mouth, causing his fingers to dig into your flesh in encouragement.

He sucked on your clit at one particular angle, and a particularly loud moan came tumbling from your lips. It made Kakashi’s mouth vibrate with a grunt against your cunt, and you didn’t care anymore. You couldn’t keep your noises to yourself while you began guiding his head by his hair. It only made him moan more. After all, Kakashi loved it when you pulled his hair. With newfound motivation, he was eager to please, driving you closer to the edge with each lap.

“Fuck, you’re too good at this,” you moan out, “Kakashi!”

His hand on your hip slipped down your leg, encouraging you to spread your legs a little wider, and you obliged, trusting him to not let you fall. The new angle had you hurtling towards your orgasm more, that fire in your gut spreading to your entire body, concentrated mostly where Kakashi sucked at you.

You could feel yourself climbing closer to that peak, your body beginning to lose control with each passing moment. Kakashi was obviously aware with the way your pussy quivered around nothing, and just when you were about to cum, he retreated.

You were about to yank his hair to get him back in place, but you knew he’d leave you like this if you did anything like that after everything you’d done before now.

“Did I say you could cum?” He looks like he’s about to scold you with the way his brow is cocked, and you quietly sob out in response.

“No,” you confess, “I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll be good. Just, don’t stop. Please.”

He licks his lips while he admires the wreck he’s made of you. Internally, Kakashi debated if he should humor you or if he should wait until you calmed down so he could really drag it out. You had been waiting for this since you woke up, so he decided to oblige you, but not without warning you, “Very well, but you don’t get to cum until I say you do or else.”

“Yes,” you nodded, “yes, I understand.”

Thankfully, Kakashi dove back in between your legs and started working you up again. You were throbbing against him while he worked your body like only he could. Your nails dug into your palms, releasing his hair in fear that you’d hold him against you until you came.

Kakashi resumed his pace, but he started developing a new pattern. He was well aware that you’d come sooner than he wanted if he continued with the previous one. However, the more he worked you, the more you couldn’t bear it. The fire in you burned your skin so beautifully, it practically consumed you while you moaned his name. And without even realizing, the cord deep inside you snapped, your legs shaking while you released all over Kakashi’s face while his lips assaulted your abused clit. You cried out softly while your hips bucked against his face. You didn’t notice the disapproving glare on his face while he continued to suck, working you through your orgasm.

However, once you came down, Kakashi tossed your leg to the floor and stood up, licking his lips before wiping his mouth on his glove.

“Did I say you could cum?” he repeated his earlier question, this time much more taken aback than before. You deliberately disobeyed him, and he was not happy.

With wide eyes, you realized your mistake. “No,” you softly yelped, “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I didn’t mean to. It just snuck up on me.”

Kakashi took the opportunity to loosen his own pants before he caged you in against the door between his arms. His eyes bore into yours when he replied. “No, I didn’t. Did you really need it so badly that you couldn’t even wait for me to give you permission?” He paused. “Fine, you want to cum. You’re gonna cum again and again until I tell you to stop. We’re not finished here just because you came.”

His eyes never left yours while he freed his dripping erection from his slack pants before he wedged a knee between your legs and spread them apart. Taking one of them, he hooked it around his hips while he ground his member against your soaked folds. You mewled at the contact, grinding your hips in time with his while he covered himself in your arousal before he lined up with your entrance, catching inside you before his free palm grabbed at your other thigh, encouraging you to wrap them around his hips. You obliged, and he used the momentum to thrust into you with one hard thrust, trapping your body between his and the door.

You cried out at the sensation of Kakashi stretching your walls almost too much. His hips began slamming into yours mercilessly, not even giving you time to adjust while he set his own pace. The door behind you was thumping with every thrust of his hips into yours, sheathing himself so deep inside you, you thought he might split you in half. Each drag of his cock inside you had you getting louder until you were screaming his name in pleasure. You were still throbbing uncontrollably from your previous orgasm, and Kakashi was giving you too much. In his grip, you couldn’t even squirm much, his grip on your hips holding you right where he wanted you, and all you could do was grip onto his broad shoulders.

The sound of skin slapping against skin filled the room while Kakashi filled you to the hilt over and over until tears prickled at your eyes. “Please!” you begged him through a strangled cry, “Kakashi, it’s too much.”

He grunted in your ear, not even bothering to slow the merciless piston of his hips into yours. “You’re gonna be a good girl and take what I give you, and you’re gonna thank me for it because you were begging for it earlier.”

You moaned so loud your throat cracked. There was no way of knowing if you cried for him to stop or to continue when you replied, “Please!”

His hips crashed against yours, grinding against your clit beautifully with the position, Kakashi’s thick cock rubbing you just the right way while he ripped you apart. When you practically jerked in pleasure, Kakashi knew he’d found that spot inside you, angling you perfectly so his erratic thrusts hit that spot every time.

He was fucking you like an animal up against the door. It was obvious to anyone who passed by exactly what was going on behind closed doors, but you couldn’t find it in you to care when your body lost control, winding tighter and tighter the more Kakashi pleasured you.

“Look at you,” he groaned, biting at the flesh of your neck, “I bet everyone in the building knows what I’m doing to you right now. They probably think you’re a dirty little girl for fucking me in my office in the middle of the day, but I bet you like that.”

You screamed. You were so close you could taste your next orgasm. With Kakashi pounding into you mercilessly, his balls slapping against your ass with every frantic thrust, you were already clamping down on his shaft inside you. He was close too, though, his hips bucking at a less steady pace each time. You could feel his member twitch inside you with a particularly good thrust, and you knew the second that knot in you snapped, he would follow.

“Yes. That’s it. Cum on my cock,” Kakashi practically growled in your ear, and that was all it took for you to break, every nerve in your body unraveling with a snap. You clung to him while your body shook, mind going into a blissful haze.

Kakashi’s hips stuttered for a final time before he was following you, emptying his load inside you with a series of grunts and curses while both of you twitched until you came down from your intense highs.

When you finally had some sense back, you unhooked your legs from Kakashi, placing them shakily on the floor while simultaneously slipping his softening length out of you. You tried to stand, but you almost fell, barely catching yourself on the door handle before you could tumble to the floor. Thankfully, Kakashi also reached out to help steady you. Although he appeared to be just as shaky as you were.

It took a minute for you to regain your bearings. Your entire lower body felt like it might give out at any moment, and all you could do was lean against the door with Kakashi while the sticky mix of cum dripped down your legs. It didn’t bother you in the slightest, though. Kakashi and you were happy to simply gaze at each other, trying to steady your breaths between soft, loving kisses.

[ddaenghoney]

chapter four

masterlist link in blog description.

As a successful songwriter, you want nothing more than the acknowledgment that the chart-topping musical pieces are your own creations. But contracts, relationships, and the difficulty of facing the stakes involved head on, keep your mouth shut until pressure builds too much.

Pairing(s): Park Jimin x Y/N, Min Yoongi x Y/N

disclaimer: any characters depicted do not represent the actual personality of the respected idol in real life.

Series warning(s)/genre(s): Chapter-based written fic, Slow-burn relationship(s), Fake-dating, Unrequited love, Songwriter/producer!oc, idol!Jimin, idol/songwriter/producer!Yoongi, friends with benefits, drama, romance, smut, angst, fluff (updated as needed)

Chapter warning(s): graphic sexual depictions (fingering, like really minor dirty talk; it’s mostly dirty praise idk, oral; female receiving, cum swallowing, vaginal penetration via male penis(typing this made me laugh so hard lmao), male ejaculation without condom); i’d say it’s entirely sweet sex but uh-

Word count: 4931

if you enjoy please, please let me know!

Yoongi stands outside of the CEO office, his back against the wall beside the elevator. Waiting until the door shuts behind you, he straightens, pressing the button next to his waist to signal the elevator. Meeting eyes with his, you know there’s a lot he wants to say, but the vagueness of his expression doesn’t give you an idea of a tone. Another lecture you’re sure. Just to continue the growing streak. Yerin’s secretary glances towards you then Yoongi, curiosity taking over her to hope for something interesting to occur.

You simply follow him into the elevator.

“What was all of that?” He asks you when the door shuts, eyes peering in frustration, but you believe him to be shocked more than anything. “I’m now your fake boyfriend?” A single, breathy laugh leaves his mouth. Bitter.

“I guess,” You’re unable to meet his gaze, instead staring at the unlit elevator buttons and the lack of movement from other people calling for the elevator on this oddly slow day. “I don’t even know.”

“If I knew this would happen,” He sighs, rubbing his temples and never finishing the end of the thought. Leaving it to himself.

“This is my fault.” Your voice is barely a whisper, severity of everything catching up with you and how you’ve managed to cause trouble for Jimin and now Yoongi, who’s new to SoundWave and probably hating the employment.

“No.” Yoongi shakes his head, then exhales once more, trying to rationalize. “This is complete shit, but it’s not your fault.” In the first place, Jimin having a contract forbidding him from dating is one that Yoongi thought was just a bad rumor in the industry-- something that people didn’t actually have. There wasn’t a single employee in his last company that was forced under that rule, even though it had been frowned upon to be in public relationships. Incredibly frowned upon in a certain case. Still, Yoongi never figured the lack of a dating-ban clause in his contract and the new direction of his stage persona would lead him into a fake relationship. Irony with no humor. “Why aren’t you publically an employee?”

You reach for the elevator buttons, clicking the ground floor. The machinery shifts, starting the descent.

“Because,” You’re still hesitant about the prospect of explaining your situation. Anyone at SoundWave that has anything to do with music production knows, and Yoongi shouldn’t be an exception. It’s not like he is an intern, or part-time assistant. You may even work with him in the future, but you can’t remember ever explaining your position to someone other than Jimin. And that was only because he was whom you worked with often when first starting. “I write songs and produce, but I don’t ever get credited for it.”

“What?” Yoongi sounds like he thinks he didn’t correctly hear you. “Wait, what do you mean? Who gets the credit then?”

You sigh, eyeing the floor number that grows smaller and smaller, but not quick enough. “Whatever group or idol that ends up using them.”

“You,” He’s without comprehension, expression on his face ridiculously confused. Maybe even appalled by your job, or that he is also a part of the extremely large group under the assumption that they aren’t being lied to. Only to find out that it’s an acceptable and ongoing aspect of the company. One you’re acceptant of; otherwise you would’ve quit years ago or never taken the job to begin with. “You let your work get used under someone else’s name-- you’re lying to people, and you’re just letting that happen?”

You glare at him, but stay silent. Even if you want to argue, that’s how it is. You don’t have the power to change it, and years earlier you didn’t actually mind sliding ethics aside. You want to tell him that you’re not letting the lies occur willingly, but by the looks of his face-- something appearing increasingly unsettled and distant about your untruthful position-- you know it won’t matter. He won’t understand and maybe is even right to have his opinion of you drop to the ground.

The elevator door opens prompting you to practically jump out. “I’m going home.”

Yoongi stays inside of it, posture weighted in contempt of everything that he’s just gone through. As if the merger couldn’t get anymore terrible, now he is in a falsified relationship with someone that helps SoundWave lie to the general public just for the sake of appearances, and he’s stuck dealing with it. He groans when the doors shut again, taking a moment to bask in the nonsense of it all before clicking the button to his studio’s floor.

Outside the building you pace, considering the option of calling Jimin, but then also considering that he hasn’t texted you and is likely angry and sorting through his own thoughts of this mess. You groan, startling a passerby on their walk to wherever. Taking no notice you shake your head, pulling out your phone and ripping the bandaid off,

Y/N, 3:43pm: Can we talk?

You stare at the message thread for a passing minute, then lock the screen. He could be busy doing a thousand other things, there isn’t a reason for him to automatically get back to your message, and he could still be upset-- the screen flashes with a notification, and you immediately unlock,

Jimin, 3:44pm: Yeah, I get off close to nine.

A breath releases from your lips. At least he responded. Another message appears, the contents seizing up the next beat of your heart.

Jimin, 3:44pm: Can I call you right now?

Y/N, 3:45pm: Yeah, of course.

You descend south of the company, heading towards a nearby coffee shop when the call comes in. “Hello?”

“Hey,” Jimin sits in the recording booth, waiting for the producer to meet him there at the start of the next hour. His legs gently push on the floor, swaying the computer chair side to side. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” The concern in his voice eases you, as well as the seemingly calm demeanor. Though there is a chance he’s feigning it, you suppose. “I’m so sorry about the thing with Yoongi. I swear nothing happened-”

“I believe you, lovely.” Softly spoken, head nodding even though you couldn’t see him. Jimin bites his lip, bothered that you’ve likely been incredibly worried about what he thought ever since Yerin dropped the words. “You wouldn’t do that to me. I trust you.”

His sincerity is warm, nearly causing the fuzz of emotions in your eyes to trickle because of how much your mind was pressured from the idea that he would misunderstand. You breathe through your lips, cracking the air audibly. Jimin sits upright on his end, concern raising his voice’s volume,

“Baby, are you crying?”

“No.” You’re quick to cover up but the word itself sounds like a tremble. Jimin frowns, rubbing his face,

“I’m sorry, I would’ve texted you but I was worried your phone’s notification would be loud while you were talking to Yerin. I didn’t want it to interrupt and make her angrier.” You rub your eyes feeling no tears and just the annoying heat that seems to release from all of the stress of the past couple of hours. “What did she tell you anyways? You didn’t get in more trouble did you?”

“No, it’s nothing.” Just a speech that put you in your place, but it’s not worth mentioning. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer you over the weekend, Jimin.”

“It’s fine.” Jimin taps his index finger on the armrest, then pausing the motion as you speak up,

“No, it’s not fine. I shouldn’t have ignored you. I wasn’t being fair.” You sigh. He’s quiet at your words, surprised at the conclusion of your actions.

“I was acting like an idiot, Y/N.” He glances to the clock, knowing the producer is usually early. “I’m not mad at you for it, I deserved it. Anyways, I need to go. I just called because I wanted to hear your voice and make sure you were okay.” You smile softly at the admission. “Come to my apartment later and we’ll talk more, alright?”

“Okay,” You nod, glancing to the sign on the coffee shop that stated they are closed for the day. Unusual for a Monday. Yet fitting for the kind of day it is. “I’ll make sure no one notices me going in.”

---

Jimin can’t help chuckling at you when he opens his front door. A large zip-up hoodie drapes over you with the hood covering your face, and sunglasses complete your, to your opinion, lowkey look despite sunglasses being useless at night. You’re pouting as you remove the shades, stepping into the apartment.

“I bet the cab driver thought you were having a day.”

“He wouldn’t be wrong.” You shrug, slipping the hood off and dipping your eyes from his. Jimin sighs, head nodding in agreement. “He was telling me I was lucky to get a cab tonight and everyone is close to the city center today, so at least I got a ride if nothing else.” Jimin’s head tilts at your seemingly lack of awareness to the date,

“You know it’s New Year’s Eve don’t you?” His sentence barely completes before you’re looking back at him in shock. When you consider all of the closed establishments and lack of people at work, it makes sense, but you’re in disbelief that you forgot. Jimin smiles in endearment, reaching for your hand, “It’s been a complicated week.”

He leads you to the couch, and still calm. With all of the information he heard from Yerin, you assumed Jimin would act differently. At least be asking fervently for answers. He said on the phone that he trusts you, but despite that you wonder how he’s not appearing to be upset about it. Sitting down beside him, you watch Jimin pull his knee up on the cushion facing you. His hand fiddles with yours, thumb stroking the top.

“What should we do?”

The question isn’t one you anticipated on your way over. The diverse amount of things Jimin could mean with it flutter your mind like gusts in a tree, and the lack of strong emotion in how he spoke make your eyebrows harden in thought. “What do you mean?”

“You know,” His eyes fall to where your hands meet. Jimin squeezes tighter. A pound in his chest. “Don’t you think we should stop this all?”

Muscles tense throughout your body. The concept is so far removed from what you expected. His passive attitude to go along with it drives your head to draw a blank. You thought coming here there could be strong words in an argument of explanations, and apologies for the things Yerin called you both into the office for. Not this. Your hand squeezes around his and Jimin casts his gaze back up. Nervousness is apparent, paired with your head shaking.

Jimin bites his inner lip, trying to remain rational despite the hurt in your eyes, “We,” He hesitates, remembering the first time that he kissed you. “We’re just hurting each other, love.”

“How?” Voice higher, confused. “We’re,” You swallow dryly, “Not even dating, Jimin, why do you sound like you think we should break up.” A tiny, hollow laugh, devoid of humor. You watch helplessly as he nods,

“I know, so before it gets worse than what happened today, we should stop.” Jimin’s voice slows down, like he doesn’t want to complete the sentence. Sadder. You inhale, trying to reason his tactics in your mind,

“Then let’s date.”

“Love-”

“I don’t want to stop.” Jimin bites his lip, frowning at you while feeling the ducts of his eyes well because of your pleas. Your hand shakes in his grip, and he wills himself to stop from hugging you. “Please, I don’t want to stop. I like how we were, I,” You remember saying the opposite to him at the club. He recalls the same thing, smiling joylessly.

“We can’t stand up for each other, baby. I can’t be there for you like you deserve.” Jimin talks about the company, but also in society’s perspective. Yerin made it clear that he can’t be in a relationship publically, and for that reason the relationship between you started. Hidden. Incomplete. Jimin told you at the beginning that you should both stop if you caught feelings for somebody else and you agreed because it was just fun when it started. It wasn’t serious, but it turned into something deeper. You know that and know Jimin knows it too.

“I care about you so much.”

Jimin’s lips part at the simple, yet utterly sincere and loving words. Contrasted by the sadness of the entire situation. His hand clenches around yours. He thinks the same, but with what he knows about himself, he shouldn’t let this continue. The few cool tears dripping from his eyes plead with him as well. To admit to you the feelings that he has, but it’s more complicated.

“Jimin,” He loves hearing his name through your lips. His tear-stained face watches you move, knowing he should stop you. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t and your lips are on his. Jimin’s hand abandons yours for your waist, to keep you from getting too close, but he kisses you back, relishing in your touch against his better judgement.

“Baby.” Jimin’s hand tightens around the side of your waist when you attempt to move closer. Mere inches from your face, his eyes lock with yours, searching for your thoughts.

“Please,” Air hitches in Jimin’s throat while your arms cascade around his neck. Your voice soft. Begging once more, by your lips kissing him sweetly. Like candy. Familiarly. “You don’t want to stop.”

“We should though.” A waver in his tone. Jimin really doesn’t want to stop, let you go, force you from his life.

“Just kiss me.” Believing you can convince him otherwise, your arms gently tug. Coaxing. In a more sensible time, you know this isn’t how to keep him with you. You know that there are problems, and the way Jimin and you are now won’t work. But you love him.

And this isn’t a sensible time.

Your hoodie is left on the couch, stripped off before Jimin lifts you to take you to his bedroom. Your lips attach along his jaw, trailing until you come in contact with the spot that elicits an expected grunt. Your arms tighten around him, holding yourself to him while working at the skin, leaving it sensitive and bruised before he lays you down.

His fingers caress on the area, smirking softly at your quick, thorough work, but his jaw tightens when you waste no time and remove your long sleeve. Inhaling a long breath, Jimin crawls over top of you,pressing your head back into the mattress as he kisses you firmly.

“What if you regret this?” Jimin’s voice blisters against your neck, syllables left in the skin like a trail leading to your collarbone where he pauses, kissing feverishly. He knows you won’t change your mind, more so when you audibly sigh and mix your fingertips into his hair,

“I can’t regret you.” You raise your hips the short distance to rub against Jimin’s, listening to his groan when he feels you against his growing bulge, “I want you, Jimin.”

For more than just the night.

Jimin’s face equals with your own, lost in your eyes until you kiss him again, prompting him to flatten against you more. His hips rub slowly over yours, firmly pressing his hardened erection against your pelvis. You moan against his lips, fueling Jimin’s emotions to win over logic. His hand reaches for the button on your jeans quickly, desiring more contact. He halts when you nudge him upwards, immediately thinking you want to stop until your fingertips are undoing each button on his top. He smirks at your hands, watching you through the sultriness in his irises.

Jimin lets you be the one to push his shirt off his shoulders, then he lets it slip off his arms to lie next to your hips on the bed. Your palm finds his chest, cementing the beat of his heart to memory. He observes quietly, curious of the slowness in your actions. The intimacy of feeling his skin in a calm manner. The moment passes when your hand moves to cup his cheek, guiding him back down to you for a kiss labored in passion, but just as vulnerable as tears.

You grind your hips opposite of his motions, creating a deeper pressure that causes a small piece of profanity to fall from his lips. Jimin’s hand finds your cleavage, squeezing over your bra to make you gasp. The article is removed then in your haste for him to touch you more, earning darkened chuckles from his lips when you lift your back from the bed to unclasp the bra, your chest pressing to his. He admires you, “You’re so precious.”

“Then don’t break up with me.” Labored words escape when you’re back against his sheets. Under his focused stare you slip your arms from the bra straps, but hesitate to remove the cups when Jimin’s chest fills with air from a sharp inhale. Watching so intently, and you swear his eyes gaze lovingly as well. He reaches his hand over yours, guiding it to slide the lingerie from your chest, exposing yourself to him for a countless time. Beautiful.

“It’s better for us,” Jimin has the nerve, the stubbornness to say this in a low voice, despite the fact that the actions currently show he’s trapped in the thing he’s deemed no good. You shake your head, then are halted by the ghosting kiss from his lips, “You mean so much to me, lovely.” A longer ministration follows, filling your thoughts of the familiarity how sweet he’s always tasted. “But we can’t become a couple. I can’t let you deal with how lousy I am.”

“You’re not,” You pepper Jimin’s cheeks, fingers trailing along his back.

“You know how I am in the company.” You don’t speak against that idea, the one you never want to bring up because it felt like an instant argument. One you didn’t think Jimin realized. “And you’re wonderful and talented,” His kisses are short and repetitive against your lips, “And deserve better than all of the crap you’re put through. But I can’t help you with it. And I don’t want to be a reason you hold yourself back.”

Before you’re able to retort at his nonsensical words, Jimin’s hand reaches between your legs palm pressing against your jeans and rubbing friction into your core. Words are lost to a whimper unprepared for the contact as well as the proceeding action his hand takes rubbing roughly, making your hips move into him craving more. Jimin kisses at your neck listening to his name fall from your lips in a needy murmur.

His hand leaves your growing pile of nerves, eliciting a breathy whine that he kisses back into your mouth. Jimin unbuttons your jeans, “Take them off.” The demanding tone is contrastingly soft, leaving your heart beating in anticipation and complying in moments to help him rid the clothing. “God,” He lifts himself upright, knees pressing further into the mattress from his weight, while he looks you over: skin already appearing glistened from need, chest concaving from breaths that leave the mess of lovebites in view on your upper body. “So beautiful.” His head tilts watching the blush on your face grow from his words. “You know that though,” A coy smirk plays at his lips, while he reaches for your thighs, gently sliding you upwards on his bed, so your head comes close to the headboard. “I tell you,” Your mouth releases a moan when his fingers press against your clit through your panties, his lips leaving airy pecks on your thighs, “Every time I can,” His smirks grows when the swipe of his thumb against your wettening heat makes your legs jerk. Trying to close, but he removes the hand to grip them back in place, respreading, “I’m going to make you feel good.”

Profanity slips from your lips in a breathless stutter when he strips you completely, Jimin’s fingers rubbing into your clit like a map memorized. Easily causing your legs to wiggle, moans slipping out when one dips inside. “Jimin,” Needily begging for more as the digit slides in and out, readying you for the second while he continues laying kisses on your chest, decorating it with heat in every spot. “Feels-” You gasp when his thumb works against your clit, the sensation mixing with his fingers pumping inside of you making your hands grip his shoulder.

Nails graze the skin as Jimin’s fingers push all the way, he grunts from the force of your hand, but leaves a kiss to your jaw, “Don’t come,” Another ministration on your lips as you whimper, already knowing you were leaving his fingers wet along with his sheets from how he was expertly edging you along, “Not yet, lovely, wait for my mouth to take you over.”

Every piece of will to listen nearly disperts from just the tone of Jimin’s voice: slow, confident. You’re so willing to be pushed over that you’re unable to stop your hips bucking into his mouth when his tongue graces the entrance of your throbbing cunt. He chuckles against you, the vibrations themselves feel good, and your face heats from your own eagerness, but you’re more focused on giving him the satisfaction he wants, “Jimin, you’re so-” You gasp as his tongue dips deeper, moaning your next words, “Good, fuck; please, I want to come.”

“Let me taste you, baby,” Jimin’s hands hold your hips as you writhe from the pleasuring sensations. He groans low when your hand leaves the bed to tangle in his hair as your orgasm coaxes through. You tremble releasing yourself with long moans, hazy while Jimin’s lips lap up your arousal, muttering praise into your core. Your head lies against his mattress, chest taking full inhales, as Jimin sits upright. His tongue drags along the remainders of you on his lips, while his eyes take in your fucked body. He crawls overtop of you, kissing you and staining your tongue with your own taste.

“I want you inside me,” You cup Jimin’s face as you murmur the words. His eyes are lidden with desire at your statement, sharply inhaling when you go on, “Fuck me, baby, please I want to make you cum in me.” Jimin kisses you, moaning to your lips as your hand rubs his shaft through tight jeans. “It’s not even fair for you to still have these on,” He chuckles, and you can’t help the tiny smirk on your lips.

“You want to come again, baby; so needy for me.” Jimin kisses your nose, his pelvis moving into the motions of your hand. His inhales grows slightly labored when you give a squeeze to his hardened bulge before you’re unbuttoning his jeans. They’re removed in moments, Jimin’s own efforts to pull of his boxers, exposing his dick, erect and sensitive enough to cause his breaths to shake when he palms himself, “You’re sure about no condom?”

“You know I’m covered there,” You say staring at his length, swallowing in anticipation for the feeling of Jimin inside of you. He notices your sultry gaze and leans back towards you, kissing you tenderly.

The emotion takes you back for a second, feeling somewhere between melancholic and warm, you’re brought back to his conviction that this would be the last time Jimin intends to be intimate with you. When his lips leave yours, your eyes are focused on Jimin’s. There’s so much you want to ask him, but when he’s as convinced as he is, what good would it do. You’re the only one with feelings surpassing love, or else he wouldn’t do this.

Jimin kisses you again, using the remnants of your previous orgasm to lubricate his length, before he’s aligning himself with your entrance and easing himself in. Your chest raises from a breath, listening to Jimin’s moans against your lips as he tops out into you, “You’re so good around me, baby. Fuck,” He grunts when your hips buck to his. You moan as his grinding begins slow in full movements to get your walls acclimated to his dick, though you’re already well stimulated.

“Fuck,” You gasp as his pace suddenly changes, Jimin pulling out only to pound back in and make you moan his name loudly. He kisses your lips before moving back to your cheek, jaw, and neck, every inch he could while he pumps into you over and over, every audible sound from you encouraging his actions. “Jimin, Jimin,” You beg using his name, feeling his hand find yours, fingers meshing as your voice grows higher from an oncoming wave wanting to burst through. “I’m close- shit--”

“God, you feel so good; your pussy takes me so well, baby,” Jimin kisses your lip hungrily, “Come for me, lovely; I’m going to,” Your hand squeezes him as the orgasm washes over you, listening to Jimin’s moaning as his seed fills you, “Fucking,” You come undone with him, the ride going through your core and releasing around Jimin’s dick as you moan loudly, senselessly, not caring if anyone could possibly hear.

Labored breathing flows into the silence of his room. Your free hand guides Jimin’s face to yours for a sweet kiss that he lets linger into a honeylike warmth. Pulling out, Jimin then lets himself fall into the bed beside you, hand still holding yours with a seeming refusal to let go. He watches quietly while you look at his ceiling aimlessly, breathing still full as your bodies calm down. “You still want us to stop.” A statement with the tone of a question.

“Yeah,” He bites his lip as you turn on your side to face him. He feels your hand grip his with a tiny tremble, and your eyes alone make his heart nearly shatter. You try your best to force the tiniest of smiles, but Jimin gently shakes his head, “Don’t pretend for my sake, sweetie.”

“It hurts.” You whisper to let out the emotions that want to escape as tears. Jimin frowns, pulling you towards him and embracing you so you could hide your face against his chest. “Are you sure this isn’t because of the thing with Yoongi?” You ask in a trembling voice while tears build in your eyes that you try to blink back.

“It’s not.” Jimin kisses the top of your head, his hands rubbing soothingly along your back, “It’s really not, baby.” He pauses, knowing there his reasoning isn’t completely selfish as he goes on, his voice sad and his reflecting that, “We just really can’t be there for each other like we’d need to be in a relationship, lovely. We’ll just hurt each other, more than we have been lately.”

You exhale a choppy breath, trying to even out your emotions for the sake of the last night with Jimin not being only tears.

You both flinch as the night sky outside flashes, with a medley of booming sounds murmuring out in the air. Jimin’s grasp on you strengthens, contemplative of what was going on as you shift to get sight of the window, covered except for the gap between the curtains.

“It must be midnight.” Your voice is hollow and you remove yourself from his warmth to crawl off the bed. Jimin’s eyes follow you inquisitive, a pit of worry brewing that you intend to leave until your hand pushes back one of the curtains, leaving the sheer set behind it out in the open. The colorful fireworks continue in happy, vibrant colors, spilling remnants of their energy as a reflection on your skin. Jimin stares in awe, silent as you turn back to face him, picturesque and ethereal in the celebratory lights. A contradiction to the events of his apartment.

A veil in the thin curtains acts as a separator between you both in the dimness of his room and the continuation of the world outside.

You walk back towards Jimin, crawling to his open arms on the bed as he greets your return with a kiss. You take it and any following in case they’re the last, settling into Jimin’s bed with him as the blankets cover your cuddling frames. It’s a long time of contentment in each other’s arms, while you both ignore that day means an end; trying to let the fireworks and their beauty be enough of a distraction between longing kisses.

Inevitably you fall asleep first, breaths soothing in sound and sight as Jimin admires the grace of your figure in his arms. He strokes your hair like you still needed to be lulled to slumber. He thinks what it would be like if he was on your side from the first instance of you bringing up that you wanted to be credited for your work, or if he hadn’t kept quiet about his opposite, selfish opinion this long and forwards.

Your sleeping body shifts, arms tightening around his waist. Jimin can’t help the little smile, wishing he had the same outlook as you just so it wouldn’t be the last night of you being practically his. Jimin’s lips find your peaceful forehead in a warm kiss, saying a whisper that he doubts he’ll ever get to say again, “I love you.”

if you enjoy please, please let me know! i hope you enjoy the series, i’m working really hard on it! : ) also don’t drag me for the smut in this chapter it may or may not be good idk im worried lmaoadsjfgk

tag list (send an ask to be added): @jaiuneamesolitaiire​ @tsvkino-usagi​​

[shy-magpie]

RQG 154

Wherein red stringing occurs. Liveblog under the cut:

 Not much hype this week, just a lot of being quietly thrilled RSB got the beginning of the episode dedicated to us. I hope the rest of the fandom doesn't feel like Bryn plays favorites. Its sweet he back reads and answers questions but its nothing he wouldn't do in official. Last week was such a gift that I think it cut down on hype for this week because even if (Alex forbid) they immediately time skipped to the end of the week, quarantine still got us amazing backstory and character moments. Unless Alex gets truly desperate and has someone attack the inn or infects both the new kids, the characters are safe from physical danger so no fear hype either.

Yes I want follow up on that Hamid & Zolf conversation: I am so proud of him for calling Zolf out on being patronizing (I can't believe I didn't see earlier with his family, of course that's the aspect that got to him) and they need to figure out how to deal with the chain of command. Zolf already seems more willing to get input on his decisions so its mostly losing the attitude when things happen like Hamid casting lights. Yes I also want Cel to talk about themself more, but I am fine with waiting until they aren't locked up with no privacy. Azu's backstory is coming out at a decent pace and Helen spoils us so not even worried about not hearing more about her becoming a paladin. I am curious if Alex thinks its worth bonding with the new kids and this better not be a set up for splitting the party. So enough pre episode babbling, final bets on if they play with the brorb now or wait until they can take it to Cel's? Gotta love that music. Oh they do want to get back to things! Listen to how fast they're talking. That's nice I wouldn't have thought they'd be as excited about the pure RP backstory and character bits as they get about a boss fight. No Alex neither players nor fans want to skip anything. I will concede that further conversation was unlikely to be productive that night so the morning makes sense. There was only one corridor! Barnes is still using the stairs to get some space. Some might see it as a sign he is infected or afraid of infection but honestly not wanting to puppy pile with a group as tight knit as the party especially while they are shaking out their issues is valid. Azu checks on Carter who passed out drunk face down. Zolf is sleeping in. With Hamid's family issues, Bryn being so careful to specify he has a healthy relationship with alcohol every time makes it a lot easier to not tense up listening. Oh My God thanks Bryn! I know he said the beginning of the episode was dedicated to us but I was expecting a throw away line not a proper red stringing scene! I am grinning so big right now. Azu is watching Hamid Cel is sleeping curled up with the sealed bottle of elvish mead. Because Lydia is as much a criminal as Bryn just plays a longer game. Speaking of criminal, Ben really plays up this rivalry from Azu & Zolf covering similar roles and its a really close second to the rank thing between him & Hamid in character arcs I'm interested in. I think both are aiming towards a happy ending but no idea how the middle is going to play out. I don't think it's aiming for a "this party isn't big enough for two of us". Alex is encouraging this. This is great just going to get a clip of this rather than attempt to transcribe on first listen. Bryn/Hamid is laying this out so clearly: The knowns, assumed, and questions are being labeled nicely. (I wonder if our little discord helped him refresh his memory so he'd be able to match how much Hamid would remember in character.) Bryn also goes 3rd person? Hope it isn't a stress tell like Alex. Yes Bryn is obsessed and as a listener its is utterly charming when he shows up in RSB or Official and is unabashedly as big a fan of the show as us. Zolf wakes up to Hamid red stringing. Thank goodness he isn't letting security concerns lead him to putting the brakes on. I know there was some concern that if one of them was infected sharing they could pass on anything they talk about. As long as they don't get too specific about classified info, using the time and frankly just having a project to distract them is a good idea. Plus in my mind Hamid always looks so hurt when Zolf pulls on the reigns. Lilliana is not allowed to be the connecting thread. Oh seed is finally being addressed. Aw Hamid handed Cel a glass of water. It really is the little things I love about this show: 1)told you he has a knack for leadership: anticipating the needs of team members even as they diverge from his own 2)He does see Cel as a team member not just someone he worked with, you don't hear him cooing over Carter 3)does it quickly then moves on, because as a gentleman he thinks it's what anyone would do. 4)speaking of, I wonder that Azu & Zolf haven't done rounds. its not like they have anything to save the spells for and the field is only in the cell.

Svalbard! Do not taunt us, does Ben have any idea how much we want to see the science dwarves of the north? Um hmm, vindi-fing-cation. I know it wasn't exactly a huge insight but the mixture of science and various schools of magic is key to my theory on what “Erasing The Line” refers to. Oh Frankenstein in this world is such a concept. Plus it makes Mary Shelley canon. Aw Alex thought we'd never get to this bit of lore. Thank you Blue Veins info being given as whole instead of bits & pieces.  Ooh and Barnes is taking it. Time to get a sense of who he is when he's not swinging a sword. Navel engagement with Blue Veins? Hive mind! Minimize harm? Not dead. Paladins are complicated, maybe a rumor, maybe transfer of allegiance. Cyborg kraken Cyborg Zolf Oh splitting the kraken to make more Barnes just checks out as the conversation goes over his head Called it I told you it was a sensible test. (ETA Zolf’s fart test) (ETA: Re: people with Blue Veins) No lies, no embarrassment, very literal. Other instances? Riots London->Paris->Europe Not safe to go to London If you're in their presence you are highly likely to be infected, mass infections,  not passed by corpses? Memetic effect? Tick tock. Ben and Alex have one of their friendly tussles as Carter decides its a me may Yes he did! And Helen name dropped us! I know I'm just a little part of the brigade but I'm going to to be smug for at least a week that we are so good at what we do one of the actual players looked to us. Hey Lydia is welcome too. Paperwork time! Yeah yeah I knew security was going to be used to undermine Hamid. At least it isn't Zolf and they aren't trying to make him look rash for the whole idea. Getting new info from the paperwork is a bit different than talking about what they already know. Make the place bigger? Nice spell Zolf. If this leads to Animorphs again... Oh I was thinking more like a big horde somewhere you could check stone in & out of a stone plane of existence ties in with elemental lore right? Seriously "Cure Hangover" isn't a spell? Or do Zolf & Azu just not approve of using their magic that way? Intoxicants have to fall under mild poisoning, right? Do the studying later in the week? That's a fair compromise; even if Zolf is still presenting it as an order he is explaining instead of giving his advice or IDK putting it to a vote. I'm not positive but I think Lydia is suggesting they go over their character sheets in character. Alex is not amused. Lydia sounds pleased with herself. Perception check? Azu hears someone knocking something over upstairs. Azu tries to not wake Carter as she listens at the door. It had to be her foot in his mouth. Multiple people in the inn. Carter tries to pick the lock. Azu & Carter start bickering. Carter is perception penalty. The inn is being searched Zolf suggests they wake Wilde up by making a racket. Cel hears the door being unlocked. Voices speaking muffled Japanese. Cel just shouts "Hey what's going on?". Zolf joins in. Azu uses her armor to make noise. Thump of someone hitting the floor! Wilde's voice! Lots of feet? Yes Helen, what if it is the kobolds? Oh god what if Skraak checked on them and found out they were in cages underground? Poor guy would think Wilde is their Shoin. Bryn clarifies Hamid shouts out to Wilde Zolf forbids them leaving the basement Cel shields themself. Azu goes for her armor Barnes is keeping Carter from going for the lock again. Hamid casts Fear (!oh that’s a new one isn't it) I assume #jail is already full of angst criminals connecting Hamid's bully days and him going from S1!Hamid scared of every fight to now casting fear as a way to control his enemies). Also these better be his enemies because I still don't put it past Alex to set us up for a tragic misunderstanding. Dragon roar and dragon face is how he casts fear Ok Rusty Quill LOTR night sounds awesome Zolf helps Azu put on her armor The other feet flee Zolf cries out for Wilde as loud as he physically can but still won't let them risk infecting Japan by leaving quarantine early. Oh if that ain't a fic and a half. A set of small claws! It is a kobold End the episode with the kobolds?  

[vincess-princess]

ex malo bonum

Chapter 3.

Word count: 3761 Warnings: self-harm tendencies, forced alcohol consumption (idk really how else to tag this), non-con attempt, blood, needles mention

Vince stared at the cracked ceiling.

The ceiling stared back, its cracks and spots like wrinkles and blemishes on an old face. Some more staring, and Vince would probably start seeing eyes.

His home – former home – was supposed to be somewhere above the ceiling. Somewhere up in the sky. No one knew for sure where it was, and now that Vince thought about it, he never knew where exactly it was located as well. It was just there, in him and far from him at the same time, but always at the arm’s length, always there when Vince needed it.

No. No, it wasn’t. For him, it had been there. It remained there still, yet out of Vince’s reach. Its calming, encouraging presence, constantly in the back of his mind before, was no longer there. It got lost among all those new thoughts and feelings, all products of his vessel’s weird, flawed human nature, but now also strangely personal to him too. In search of that presence, Vince delved deep into his mind, where he had never been before, and didn’t find anything.

Or rather, he did. Something he had never seen before; something so foreign and at the same time so his.

Vince yanked himself back to the reality, farther from those somethings. But having once seen them, he couldn’t pretend they weren’t there anymore.

So he decided to stare at the ceiling and focus on the pain in his shoulder. Pain was easy to understand; safe, in a way. Pain was punishing, and punishment was freeing. It was something Jesus had gone through. Maybe Vince was the next Jesus, and his cross was this blood-soaked bed, and his nails were humiliation and manhandling by those demons.

An angel would never have such a thought, something whispered to him faintly, bringing him back to reality. An angel, a true angel, would strive to become like Him, but never compare themselves to Him, because He is unreachable.

Vince shivered as though a trickle of cold, pure fear ran down his spine. He pressed his face into the pillow, trying to chafe half-healed scratches on his face, to wring more pain out of them, to have something else to focus on.

It only made matters worse. His pain mixed with his desperation, fear and unanswered questions, turning into delirium so dark, so deep Vince drowned in it, the reality, like sunlight in the water, was blacked out. He didn’t hear the door creaking, letting in a night visitor, he didn’t see his slim frame looming over the bed, and only when a hand grasped his shoulder and shook him roughly, his mind reluctantly rose to the surface.

Vince’s heart was racing, his forehead was covered in cold sweat, but relief washed over him once he saw that cracked ceiling again. Even if that was Nikki, even if he had come to do what he promised to do to him, it was still better than down there, in the dark. Vince squinted, trying to discern the visitor's face in the faint light from the street. He wouldn’t be able to tell apart Nikki and Tommy, who resembled each other like brothers, if not for the hair: Tommy’s bushy and curly, Nikki’s straight and thick.

The shadow was gangly, and the hair framing his face was messy and wavy. Tommy.

"Asleep, blondie?" Tommy confirmed Vince’s guess a second later and knelt beside the bed. He had something in his hand, but Vince didn't catch a glimpse of it.

"You know we don't sleep," Vince replied indifferently, doing his best to keep the quiver away from his voice, and after a quick glance at Tommy, moved his gaze back to the ceiling.

"Well, I dunno. You could have passed out."

Vince didn't answer. He shouldn't have done it the first time as well, but the question was so normal, so casual that for a second he forgot who was asking.

"Huh, too proud to talk to us, right?" Tommy said light-heartedly. "That's not for long." He reached up to Vince's handcuffed wrists and freed one of them, leaving his other wrist chained to the headboard.

"What are you doing?" he couldn’t help asking. Be that Nikki, he would have kept silent throughout the whole process, be that whatever had come to his perverted mind. But this wasn't Nikki.

“Fixing Nikki’s bullshit," Tommy replied shortly and reached to unbutton Vince's shirt.

That was when Vince, already baffled, couldn’t remain still. He pushed Tommy away with his free arm and rolled to the other side of the bed. He didn’t know how he had expected Tommy to react. Get angry, maybe. Drag him back. Hit him. Enchain his hand back to the headboard. There were so many options.

Tommy didn’t pick any of them. Instead, he burst into laughter. He did drag him back by his hurt arm then, making Vince hiss in pain. And kept laughing. The entire time.

"You should have seen your face. You looked so frightened,” the demon explained once his laughter subdued. Vince was pretty sure he still had fear written across his face, made worse by Tommy’s following words.

“Lie still and it won't hurt as much," he promised, unbuttoning the last button on his shirt and pulling it down Vince’s torso. Seeing Vince’s eyes widen, he chuckled. "What, are you really that afraid of losing your virginity? It's not even a real thing. Just a social construct."

With increasing desperation Vince watched as Tommy climbed onto the bed and straddled his torso, pinning his injured arm to the mattress. For a couple of seconds he enjoyed the mix of fear and disgust on Vince’s face before finally announcing: "Relax. I ain't gonna fuck you. Right now, at least. Maybe later, after I'm finished with that," he poked Vince's shoulder right above the cut.

Vince blinked in confusion, completely taken aback. He had already been mentally preparing for humiliation and pain, the only things he expected from those demons. Had expected.

“Why would you do that?”

Tommy ignored his question. “Jeez,” he grinned at the sight of Vince wincing from hearing this word so distorted, “you’ve got a lot of blood in here.” He bent forward to take a closer look at the cut. His long fluffy hair tickled Vince’s nose and got covered in blood that was all over his shoulder. “Do you even have any left?”

“Does it matter?” Vince murmured, getting increasingly uncomfortable under Tommy’s fixed, serious stare that absolutely didn’t match his nonchalant tone.

“It fucking does!” Tommy flared up, making Vince flinch. He didn’t expect him to sound so serious; he didn’t expect him to even be capable of acting that way. “You think, immortality and shit, yeah? Threw myself off a building, woke up unharmed, now I can do whatever the fuck I want? Well, buddy, it ain’t gonna work like that anymore. Bodies are fragile. They break. And you won’t get a new one any time soon, if ever. You gotta be careful with yours from now on.”

“But can’t demons possess human bodies?”

“Yeah, they can. Those like Mick. I ain’t Mick, you ain’t Mick, and it’s gonna take us half a millennium at best to even try to compare ourselves to Mick. Didn’t you feel it? He’s… he’s…” Tommy trailed off. “Well, you get it.”

Vince nodded automatically, remembering the shudder that ran down his spine when he first looked in those clear blue eyes. He did get it.

“Well, back to business,” after a second of silence Tommy dropped onto the bed the things he was holding in his hand. They turned out to be a needle, a reel of black thread and a bottle of something with a very distinct smell. “I am no doctor, so it’s probably gonna be painful and sloppy. No, it’s definitely gonna be painful and sloppy. Sorry to spoil such a great vessel. Or not sorry.” He pinched Vince’s cheek, opened the bottle and took a gulp out of it.

“Here, have some.” Despite Vince’s frantic headshaking, Tommy pushed the bottle between his lips, and Vince, afraid of getting his teeth knocked out, gave in. Tommy upended the bottle, and acold, burning liquid went down Vince’s throat, choking him and sending him into a fit of coughing. Tommy watched him with such a smug grin, he was lucky to be sitting on Vince’s free hand.

“Whiskey,” he patted the bottle lovingly. “Another great invention of humankind, after sex and rock n’ roll. Or, rather, the reason for them.”

“Tastes like shit.” Vince spat out the remains of the drink, aiming at Tommy, but missing, and most of it ended up on his own chin. Tommy snickered and wiped it with his hand.

“That’s because it’s your first time drinkin’. You’ll get used to it.” Tommy spent good five minutes threading a needle and biting his lips in frustration when the thread didn’t want to go through the eye of the needle. Having finally done it through a great effort, he dipped the needle together with the thread into the remains of whiskey. “Also a good antiseptic.”

“Good what?”

Tommy looked at him in confusion for a second before smiling wide, realization on his face. “Damn, I forgot you’re fresh out of Heaven. Alcohol’s good not only for drinking but also for killing bacteria in your wounds so that the inflammation won’t spread to other parts of your body. If not treated, it can actually kill you.” Seeing Vince’s eyes widen, he burst into laughter. “Trashy, right? The cost for occupying a human vessel. They are a pain in the ass, so fragile and prone to illnesses. Even those occupied by us.” Tommy talked so quickly Vince couldn’t even get a word in edgeways. Great, just great, he thought grimly, now he would have to look after this sack of flesh as well. As though he didn’t have other problems in need of an urgent solution.

Tommy raised the needle up to his level, observed it critically and decided it was ready to use.

“Alright, now lie still. It’s gonna hurt anyway but even more, if you twitch.”

“Very reassuring,” Vince muttered, closing his eyes and resting his head against the pillow. At the mere thought of receiving more pain his body tensed up, and Vince knew that this way it was going to hurt even more. Still, he couldn’t relax.

Instead, he heard a chuckle. “Didn’t know anyone from up there could have a sense of humor.”

Then finally came the pain. Vince winced and breathed shallowly, trying not to make a sound, not to show how he was hurting,

Tommy was definitely no good at sewing. The skin on Vince’s shoulder was already bloody and swollen, and the whole process felt like sticking needles right into the wound. Vince hissed and screwed up his eyes so hard he could see colorful circles, breathing shallowly and biting his lips until they bled. It helped, though. He managed to hold back tears, for now, he concentrated on the lump in his throat so strongly the pain from the needle shifted to the back of his mind, still there, but definitely not as acute as before. Don’t cry, don’t cry, a voice in his hand kept repeating, with dull, unhuman intonations. Don’t lose your composure, it kept saying, and it sounded reasonable.

Vince pressed his lips together tightly, not letting out a single sob, a single tear. He wasn’t going to show Tommy how bad it was hurting, because hurting meant weakness, and weakness meant humiliation.

But God, was it hard.

The cut was narrow but deep, going through almost his entire shoulder. His blood on the needle was making it harder for Tommy to hold it, and it constantly slipped out of his fingers, sometimes while it was still in Vince’s skin. Vince never said a word, just bit down onto his lower lip, again and again, his saliva metallic-flavored.

“So quiet,” Tommy murmured upon pulling out the needle from Vince’s flesh once again. His hand slipped, and the needle sank even deeper in the wound. Vince held down a groan. “Don’t tell me it doesn’t hurt, I know it does. Stop that pretense, for fuck’s sake.”

“What do you want me to do, cry? Throw a fit?” With effort, he almost – almost – managed to sound calm, but the slight quivering of his voice had managed to leak through his already battered facade.

“No, but there’s absolutely no point in holding your emotions in some situations. For example, when you get a wound sewed up with no painkillers whatsoever,” Tommy huffed. “Listen, I couldn’t care less, play a tough one if you want. Just remember that’s not gonna work with Nikki.”

“What do you mean?” Something inside Vince’s chest froze in fear. He knew already what Tommy meant, but there was still a little bit of maybe I am wrong-

“I meant exactly what I said,” Tommy cut off, in a matter of seconds shifting from carelessness to seriousness and completely demolishing Vince’s last bit of hope. He poked Vince’s chest with so much force his finger left a red trace on the skin. “You know he will come here because he always keeps his promises, and when he does come, your stubbornness will only make it worse for you. He wants to get a certain reaction out of you, and if he doesn’t, he will do literally anything, and I mean anything, to get it. You will get out of it with less damage if you just play along.”

During Tommy’s short but convincing speech the silence of the room felt choking. A cold lump in Vince’s stomach grew twice as huge. If even a demon, an evil and wicked creature, tried to warn him about another demon - it was especially serious.

But Vince’s anger, flaring up in his chest, bright, fast and burning, drowned out this very reasonable thought. Somewhere in the back of his mind Vince was surprised at how easy it had risen, powerful and all-consuming.

“If he thinks he can make me do whatever he wants, he is fucking wrong,” Vince hissed. “Did he send you to prepare the ground? To scare me into obedience? Well, tell him he’s gotta put in a real effort to get what he wants!”

His last word was muffled by Tommy’s hand on his mouth.

“Be quiet, idiot!” he whispered, glancing cautiously onto the door. Vince tried to bite him in protest, but Tommy didn’t even let him open his mouth. “You’re gonna wake everyone up!”

Vince tried to shake his hand off, but it stayed firmly on his mouth, pressing his head deep into the pillow. He struggled some more, but his every movement was sending a jab of pain through his shoulder where the needle was still staying. The stitch loosened, and Vince could feel hot drops of blood oozing from the cut.

So after a few more weak jerks, he surrendered, breathing heavily, vision blurred with tears that he tried so hard to hold back and failed.

“Fucking dumbass,” Tommy sighed, examining the stitch. “Ruined all the hard work. I can finish it, but it won’t be half as effective.”

Just do the thing and piss off, Vince wanted to say. He felt so exhausted as though he had run a mile.

“Finish,” he managed to get out. Tommy pulled at the thread, tightening the stitch and eliciting a curse out of Vince, and resumed his work.

Now that Nikki’s name came up in the conversation, Vince’s mind shifted onto him. He was stabbed too, and even deeper than Vince, but he couldn’t remember it doing him any actual harm. When they had arrived to this apartment, his bleeding had already stopped. Vince’s bleeding, on the other hand, had been going on for the rest of the day and half a night. What the?..

“Nikki is a powerful demon,” Tommy had to explain hesitantly when Vince demanded the answer. “Not as powerful as Mick, of course, but definitely not of the weaker kind. He’s been around for a good century longer than me. Still ain’t got no brains, though,” he added with unexpected fondness.

“And you?” Vince asked quickly and regretted it at the very same moment. Tommy’s face, so lively and dynamic before, as though turned into a mask.

“What me?” he said, incomprehension in his voice too perfect to be genuine.

“How long have you been around?”

“How curious you are,” Tommy’s lips were still curved into a smile, but his eyes shifted from cheerful hazel to burnt wood. “Curiosity killed the cat, y’know.”

“What?” Vince blinked in confusion. What did this have to do with a cat? “Really? How?”

Tommy looked at him blankly for a second and then burst into laughter. This time it was sincere.

“Christ, I always forget you don’t know shit about Earth,” he said once he’d calmed down. “You’re gonna be so much fun. That’s just a local saying. Means that you have to pay a price for information. Especially that personal.” He leaned forward, so close to Vince their noses almost touched, looming over him. Vince later would swear he could smell burning wood for a second. “Are you ready to pay the price, blondie?”

“No,” Vince said maybe too quickly, already cursing his curiosity. “Forget it.” Tommy’s pupils were so dilated they took up almost his entire irises. His gaze was making Vince uneasy, and his heart was beating so fast he was sure Tommy could hear it too. When Vince tried to turn his head to avoid looking at those eyes anymore, Tommy grabbed his chin with his fingers, forcing him to stay still. Just like Nikki, Vince realized, a cold shiver running down his spine. Friendlier on the outside, but inside just as dark.

“I’m already done with this,” Tommy said, observing the stitch critically, and bit the rest of the thread off. “And I think I deserve an award.”

That was the last straw.

“That’s what you came for in the first place, right? Could have just gone for it right then and not play a good one,” Vince spit out. He had enough of being scared; now all his fear turned into anger, bitter, resentful anger. Just when he started to lose caution, to relax a little, to dampen his defense and believe not all demons were alike… Fucking asshole. Assholes, all of them. Shouldn’t have answered him the first time.

“Well, mostly,” Tommy grinned, putting away the needle and the reel and reaching for the bottle. “Wanna?”

“Fuck off.”

“All right, more for me,” Tommy downed the rest in one huge gulp. “Imagine how Nikki’s gonna be pissed when he learns he’s not the first,” he chuckled, baring his teeth in a wide smile, a smile that wilted slightly when he met Vince’s gaze. A little more of that, Vince thought with grim satisfaction, and he would learn to burn holes in human skin with his eyes.

Tommy leaned to the side of the bed to put the bottle under the bed and had to let go of Vince’s hand. When he sat up, Vince’s fist collided with his cheekbone. Tommy gasped and flinched back, and Vince couldn’t hold back a sneer.

The injured hand wasn’t capable of anything serious, though. It took Tommy mere few seconds to get over the punch and straighten up. A violent wave of pain swept through Vince’s entire arm, making him hiss in pain and drop his hand weakly onto the bed. He was defenseless - again.

Vince closed his eyes, expecting a response. A punch or, at the very least, a slap on the face. That was what Nikki would do. That was what Vince himself, if they swapped bodies, would do.

Tommy started laughing.

“Oh wow, you aggressive little shit! Did you just go round punching other angels in Heaven like that? Was that why they kicked you out?”

“Curiosity killed the cat,” Vince reminded coldly, which launched Tommy into another fit of laughter so strong he almost fell off the bed.

“No, you’re totally a lot of fun,” Tommy claimed once he calmed down enough to be able to speak. “Or maybe you’re trying to get me distracted till everyone wakes up? Huh, blondie, this ain’t gonna work. I mean, yeah, talking to you all night would be pretty cool, but, y’know, a man’s got his needs, and Nikki’s been pretty moody lately.”

Vince was hardly surprised. To believe that the demons who were constantly talking about it hadn’t done it with each other before was to be an utter and complete idiot.

What was the name for it besides hooking-up, by the way?

Resigned, Vince watched as Tommy settled between his thighs, unzipped his pants and pulled them down to his knees. Although the thin fabric hardly provided any protection, its absence brought a feeling of vulnerability so strong Vince couldn’t handle looking at Tommy and stared at the door instead.

“C’mon, that’s only scary until you get down to it,” Tommy said almost sheepishly. “Humans wouldn’t obsess over sex so much if it wasn’t enjoyable.”

I’m no human, Vince wanted to say, but the words stuck in his throat.

Tommy’s hands roamed around his hips and legs, then disappeared. Vince heard the zipper getting undone.

And then – footsteps behind the door.

Tommy jumped up, his eyes darting at the door, and Vince caught a glimpse of pure terror on his face before he disappeared in a puff of smoke. The very next moment the door opened, and Mick stepped inside.

“Aha,” he said only, quickly looking over Vince, his sloppily stitched shoulder, pants crumpled at the knees, the empty whiskey bottle sticking out from under the bed. Vince’s cheeks grew strangely hot, and he hopelessly reached out to pull up his pants – hopelessly, because they were out of his reach, but remaining like this, so open and defenseless under Mick’s piercing gaze, was somehow way worse.

When Mick stepped towards the bed, Vince’s hand dropped, and the urge to close his eyes, to escape this whole situation in the only way available was so strong he later wondered what had kept them open after all. Stubbornness, maybe. Or spite. Or both.

Mick stretched out his hand and hitched up Vince’s pants until he could freely reach them. Then he turned around and left the room. Physically, because contempt – or, far worse, pity, - in his icy gaze haunted Vince for the rest of the night.

[prtgniiist]

all the numbers 👀👀

 ⤿  roleplay habits  | not accepting 

i’m grateful but jESUS that’s a lot 

what’s a grammar rule you find yourself breaking or ignoring a lot? 

answered  x 

are there any languages besides english in which you think you could comfortably roleplay?

nope. i know filipino and japanese too but i don’t think i can fully write using those languages roleplaying as i’m not fluent anymore

how often do you reach for a synonym dictionary when writing? how about mentally?

oh lol i have the thesaurus.com opened on a separate tab while writing. though i find myself not using it as much, only occasionally. 

how often do you need to translate your own or the other’s writing with a dictionary or google when writing and reading replies?

uh not a lot? not anymore. sometimes though i have to double-check if i spelled certain words correctly but other than that, i don’t really check. i get too distracted if i look through a different site/page while writing, i have to continuously write otherwise i’m gonna lose my train of thought

do you listen to music while your write?

answered   x 

do you have ideal writing circumstances when you can do a lot of drafts or tackle really long ones very easily?

its not very specific but i feel like writing more early in the day ( though unfortunately since i work a 9-5 job i don’t get enough time being on here ). i also get into the right mood writing long ones after reading something ( i usually read some novels but lately, i just read some fanfictions )

are you a morning, day, evening, or night writer?

morning

how does tiredness affect your writing?

it affects me a lot. being in a good mindset helps me write so when i’m feeling meh because i’m exhausted i just don’t feel like doing anything/write anything

have you ever written a serious reply intoxicated?

nah, i only drink when i’m with friends or when i’m at a party. and i usually just pass out in bed as soon as i get home 

how much do you proof-read as you are writing vs. proof-read at the end?

hahahaha none at all. after i write it, i just always go “FUCK IT” and hit reblog/publish and then after maybe an hour i reread what i wrote and then cry internally when i find any typos/grammatical errors

when you are writing a reply, how much ahead in the thread do you plan?

it depends on the plot of the thread + the overall mood. when its more on the fluffy, lighter side i just go with the flow. sometimes its fun to see how a thread progresses as i write it on a whim. but if the thread is more plot-based  ( something that i have already plotted out with a partner )  i try to implement everything that was talked about in order to go specifically to where we want it. one time i wrote ( physically write with a pen and paper !!! ) all the bullet points that i have to hit in my reply

is there ever been a time when you’ve had to drop a roleplaying partner because you’ve found their writing style exhausting?

yeah, once. not on this blog though, it was a while ago so i don’t remember much. i just remember that they wrote in this specific dickens-esque purple prose style that was just super exhausting because haha wow what are you even saying 

does writing roleplay things in public spaces make you uncomfortable?

not really. i used to write replies while i was in a lecture in uni lol as long as its not nsfw then i’m completely fine with it

what do you do after you see a person has replied? do you read it immediately, or do you wait for it to show up on the dash? do you like it, draft it immediately, etc?

i read it first and then draft it ( unless i’m already on the computer when i see the reply ) 

how often do you need to change the icon in your reply while or after writing the reply?

actually not that often. what icon i’m gonna use is usually the first thing i know before writing the reply. i internalize the emotions first before replying and since i sort my icons/graphics in order of emotions  ( like one would be named smile1 or sad2 etc ) i know exactly what to use

do you first get in the “zone” when writing, or do you start writing and “enter” it that way?

i get in the zone first! by reading something  ( these days, its fanfiction )  just to get in the mood. otherwise i just stare at my drafts for an hour and then i just go play minecraft

what is your biggest obstacle to writing every day, if time doesn’t count?

laziness. depression. minecraft. but mostly its time... my work takes so much of my time, especially considering i don’t drive so i commute everyday and that takes most of my day

what’s your inbox count currently? what did you do to get it so high/low?

atm there are 2 i haven’t replied to

how many drafts is a paralysing amount?

more than 30! especially if its for different partners. i just feel really bad 

if you are writing a wrong reply that’s not working out, do you save what you have to be continued at another date, or do you scrap it and rewrite?

i save what i have written and then try to continue it when i’m in a better mindset/when i can better write what i want to. but now after the tumblr update, for some reason, if the thread is already in drafts then i write my reply but i want to save it as draft again, it publishes it? idk why that happens. has that happened to you?

does making icons give or take away energy to write? what about other graphics?

it makes me feel calmer so it gives me energy? but it also enables me to procrastinate because after spending hours capping episodes + make icons, i just think to myself “okay at least i was productive its fine” i don’t actually make my own graphics. i commission graphics mostly ( like my theme background right now! ) 

longest reply you’ve ever writen on mobile?

i used to roleplay on kik  ( ahaha ah the good ol days )  so that’s the only time i roleplayed on mobile. i don’t write replies for threads on here while on mobile because for some reason, i don’t really know why. 

does the total amount of threads you have going on matter to you, or just how many you owe?

uh yeah it makes me really anxious 

what’s your thought process when you format? any unspoken rules you follow?

i just really do CAPS + bold for emphasis and that’s pretty much my “aesthetic formatting”  i used to do this whole                     i write in small line                    like its a poem                     because i used to be a                      p r e t e n t i o u s  dude   

how does your follower count affect your mood?

doesn’t affect me at all i think? i don’t really look at my follower count  it does affect me though when i see a partner/or someone i wanted to interact with deactivate 

[cassatine]

Hi, I sent you an ask a while ago about Ben Solo living after redemption, and I just wanted to say thanks for your in-depth thoughts. I also saw TROS and although I was disappointed/grieved, it was Rey’s story that really got to me and made me feel miserable. I wanted an atonement story, a romance, but I also didn’t want to lose our heroine on the altar of nostalgia. It all felt so status quo, “leadership” and capitalist. I’m not insecure about what I wanted from this story anymore. Fuck Disney.

Hi nonnie! Glad to see you again, although I do wish both of us had more to celebrate wrt TROS, and sorry for the late reply - I’ve been Reacting to TROS quite a bit, but tbh mostly circling the Rey & Kylo Ben arcs because it hurt me in a way other aspects of the shitty subtext and bad pacing don’t, and I’m still untangling… idk, the ways that it’s shitty because it is, and the ways that it’s shitty for me, because it hit some personal stuff and I was completely unprepared for that.

Longish rambles under cut

My thoughts on redemption and atonement haven’t changed, but it’s been on my mind a lot recently so I’m taking the occasion to air some more here.

I wrote this in your first ask (I think it’s the one)

I’m not even that much of a fan of redemption arcs on a personal level, but these arcs, whether they’re about the nitty-gritty of redemption and the difficult process of realizing, admitting and then acting on the fact that you fucked up, that you were wrong, that you did wrong, whether they’re fantastic and exaggerated and written in blood across the stars - they’re about people’s capacity to change for the better, to come back from the worst version of themselves. They’re about the fact that however far you might err, you can change paths; it’s never too late. What’s not to like in that? It’s some of the best humanity has to offer, the very capacity to grow and learn and admit wrongs and become better for it.

TROS sure didn’t change my mind on that - in fact I’ve seen enough people saying Kylo Ben Deserved Death and read enough Terrio/Abrams interviews by now that I’m feeling it more than ever. I kind of want to talk about in terms of different views of justice, restorative vs. punitive, but what I really can’t stop thinking about is that one definition of redemption, “deliverance from sin.” I’m not religious, but I bathed in enough catholicism growing up that this does mean something to me - I’m not hot on the whole notion of sin, but deliverance? God cares about sinners is what it means; it’s the whole fucking point. God forgives, and doesn’t yeet you in a fucking pit when you finally decide to get your act on straight.

Ahem. I’m talking in religious terms because I’ve been seeing a lot of reactions couched in a very different view of sin, which posits that once you’ve been tainted, whatever the circumstances, it’s done and over, you’re bad forever. To the pit you go. It’s not something I find a lot of beauty in (a euphemism for the ages). It’s not the same view of God, and it’s not the same view of human nature.

Which circles back to justice, restorative vs punitive - there’s a wide array of positions, of course, but fundamentally if you’re inclined to believe tainted once tainted forever, that this is human nature, you’re much more likely to go for punitive justice, and with a depressing regularity on socmed, as far as ‘actually I can totes cast the first stone’. And you kinda need to believe humans can grow better to go for restorative justice, or to at least to want it to be true.

I’ve been thinking about how I don’t particularly care for redemption arcs myself; I like them fine, but I’m not… enthusiastic? about them. I compare that to people to whom these stories matter deeply, and I don’t want to overgeneralize because there are plenty of reasons to be drawn to redemption stories, personal or otherwise, but I’m coming to think a big reason why I don’t respond much to redemption arcs (unless they titillate my id for another reason) is basically that I don’t need the affirmation that people/me can grow better and come back from the worst version of themselves. It’s A Given that’s pretty much been drilled in my head and that I’ve never seen reason to undrill, even at my most misanthropic (and that was A Lot). 

This was a lot of rambling but what I’m saying is yeah holy fuck we need redemption stories that delve in the process of atonement and where do we go from there. No one fucking misinterpret me on this, but fiction does have an impact - a story’s never just a story: it comes with its creator(s)’ views and questions and beliefs, it makes points consciously or unconsciously. As audience we can challenge ourselves with stories that challenge our own mindset. Or do the opposite, find affirmation in stories - and both are good! some things do need to be affirmed (like people’s capacity to grow better), although I’m also veeery dubious of points like happy endings are better or those be the rules here is the template a story must follow; I enjoy escapism as much as anyone and I don’t particularly want to challenge my views with every piece of fiction I consume nor do I think anyone should do that, but I’m wary of any position that boils down to “fiction should be comfortable” because - and again! I like escapism! it’s kinda like asking for the bread & games back but without the bread. 

Anyway, I’m really oversimplifying but basically, imo the most impactful thing fiction can do is challenge people’s views and all that jazz, and I’m all for challenging the kind of bullshit TROS served us and the whole notion that sin doesn’t wash off eveeeer and that at best redemption is death in sacrifice.

I’m not even going in the Good Child / Bad Child vibes in TROS. I should, because it makes the whole thing even less palatable, but honestly, I just can’t.

Okay. I think I’m done with that. 

Going back to your actual ask -

I also saw TROS and although I was disappointed/grieved, it was Rey’s story that really got to me and made me feel miserable. I wanted an atonement story, a romance, but I also didn’t want to lose our heroine on the altar of nostalgia. It all felt so status quo, “leadership” and capitalist. I’m not insecure about what I wanted from this story anymore. Fuck Disney.

tbh foregoing my own preferences the main reason TROS sucks *that bad* is… well you more or less said it. It’s a film that feels like it’s been designed by a marketing team trying to reach the widest possible audience by having something in it for everyone at a purely cosmetic level. I’ve mentioned the shitty subtext (and it’s A Lot, like the core thesis of the film imo is [this], pretty much every woman’s done dirty [thread], Poe’s background is fucking racist and Space Orientalism is in full form, and here’s for [Finn & troopers & agency], and [my fears aging like fine wine], just for a top-five-or-so of Things That Set Me Off), but the shitty subtext is there because it’s a soulless, incoherent void of a film that can’t commit to anything. 

It is… *drumrolls* A Product. As disappointing as TROS was, at the end of the day there’s really no reason to expect stories produced by fucking disney to truly commit to pushing narratives that criticize the status quo they thrive on. “SW is about fighting fascism” my whole ass, SW is about American nostalgia for nicely black and white conflicts and under the surface it’s always been reactionary af. It could always be read in different ways, and R1 & TLJ let us glimpse a version of the franchise that could grow beyond, and maybe there’ll be more of that, but I’m not gonna hold my hopes up personally. 

Sorry I wish I had more positive things to say - I’m glad you don’t feel insecure about what you wanted from the story anymore though because like… why would you? All of us are invested and we want the story to resonate with us on a personal level. Nothing wrong with wanting romance and atonement or a heroine that’s not done dirty.

[diegoh4rgreeves]

#SelfiesForCastaneda

Story Summary:  You’ve just finished watching The Umbrella Academy on Netflix. You follow the main cast on Twitter and get a Retweet from David Castaneda on your selfie! This prompts a conversation with you two. You hit it off and set a date.

Chapter: 1/1

Word Count: 2,420

Pairing: David Castaneda x Reader

Warnings: Anxious thoughts

It’s a rainy Friday night. Normally you’d go out with friends or go out to downtown Toronto. Because it was raining and you were exhausted from work though, you decided to veg out and finish watching the Netflix series, The Umbrella Academy. You were comfortable in your warm home, laid down on your plushy couch, with a fuzzy blanket covering you, and you were in your sweatpants and loose white t-shirt.

You forgot about this comfort once you were so stunned by the series finale of The Umbrella Academy. You could not wait for season 2. You also got attached to the characters and you loved Ellen Page and Robert Sheehan more than you already did before; back when you saw the movie Juno, and back when you watched the show Misfits. You thought Emmy Raver-Lampman was so pretty and seemingly sweet in real life. Your bisexual ass could not get over this. You hit the Follow button in Twitter for Ellen, Robert, and Emmy. The character Luther was your least favourite one, though you thought to get to know the actor for him, Tom Hopper, from interviews, and to Follow him on Twitter too. Justin H. Min was so handsome and so vulnerable as Ben. Aidan Gallagher was just a kid and did an amazing job playing an old man trapped in the body of a 12 year old. And last but not least, there was David Castaneda. He is the most handsome one to you. As Diego, he was so resentful. It didn’t make sense to you because all the siblings went through childhood trauma, from the same man who adopted them all. He was also spiteful towards a former lover, Detective Patch (who your gay ass also found attractive. That’s a story for another time). Still, there was something about Diego, or David, that made you feel good things.

You smile as you hit the Follow button on David. You have followed all the main cast of The Umbrella Academy, along with Mary J. Blige, who is just an icon. You also followed Gerard Way, who created the show and was the singer of the brilliant band My Chemical Romance.

You spend the rest of your evening lurking everyone you just followed. It feels good to be in love with something again.

As you lurk David and his Likes, you see a bunch of fan’s selfies he liked. Every selfie has the hashtag #SelfiesForCasataneda You’re intrigued by this. You wonder if he started this hashtag, or if some fans did. You are also pleased that he interacts with fans. He’s still at the level of fame where he can see fans in his notifications over being blinded by the plenty of Likes, Retweets, and Replies he gets.

This motivates you to get off the couch and to take a shower. As you take a shower, you think of an outfit idea for this selfie you’re thinking of posting. You’ll wear all black; the tight black turtleneck you bought a while ago and have worn plenty of times already, the baggy black jacket you’ve copped from your older sister, and black jeans. It was a Diego-esque outfit. You didn’t have to cosplay. You just always dress like this anyway, and you were the most confident in it.

After your shower, you slip into the outfit, put on some concealer, black winged eyeliner, and red lipstick. You snap some shots from the camera on your phone. You try out a bunch of angles. You scoff at some selfies and think there’s no way he’ll Like any of these. Well, he could, since he seemed like a support Liker to fans. You still wanted to dress to impress if he was going to actually see this selfie!

You beam up once you get another idea. You run to your kitchen to pick up 2 kitchen knives. You are aware of how funny this could look. You like to think that you’re a creative person, or so you decide to go the positive route of thinking.

You get the knives and put a self timer on from the camera of your phone. You criss-cross your arms, with a knife in each hand, and take the shot. Your phone took 3 shots, so there’s a chance of a good one. There is a good one indeed. Your face was lighted perfectly in this certain one. There was a glow. Your hair looked great too. You love the shape of your body as well.

You post the photo, and put in the hash tag, #SelfiesForCastaneda You press ‘Tweet’. At this point, you don’t care if no one would Like the selfie. You are just feelin’ your look!

Fortunately, you do get some Likes; a few were David Castaneda fan accounts, one from a supportive mutual, and a few others were from other fans of The Umbrella Academy. You Like everyone else’s most recent tweets and selfies back.

Then there is a Retweet. You beam up and think maybe it’s from one of the Likers. You view the Retweet and it’s from… @DavidCastanedaJ You think it’s another fan account, until you remember following this account earlier, and you notice the blue checkmark next to the username, which indicates that this is an official and verified celebrity account. Your heart is racing. What the fuck! you think. You check his account and think that maybe his support Liking evolved to support Retweeting. There is no other Retweet with the hashtag #SelfiesForCastaneda on his account though.

You leave your phone alone for 2 hours after your tweet gets more Likes and Retweets from other David fans. You even notice some haters in the thread. Luckily there are only a few haters. Everyone else says that your photo is bad-ass.

You’re not usually one for bragging. This is a very cool moment though, so you retweet David’s Retweet of your selfie, and you caption it with, 'Uhmmm… did David Castaneda just retweet my selfie!? Diego frickn Hargreeves!?“

You look at the time on your phone. It’s 1:30am! You’re usually a night owl. Somehow though, you were tired. You did sleep very little before you went to work, and you commuted in the rain. Being cozy and watching Netflix had to contribute to that tiredness as well. So, you snuggle up in your warm bed, which also has a fuzzy blanket, and sleep.

—

10:43am. You wake up naturally and pick up your phone which was laid on top of some pile of clothes you left on your floor beside your bed. You check your Instagram, Facebook, and Tumblr. Finally, you check your Twitter to check on the selfie. You also see an Inbox notification. You wonder who that could be from. People don’t normally message you on Twitter. You open the inbox and in the preview, it’s @DavidCastanedaJ ! You can’t believe it. What could he possibly have to say to you? Your heart is racing.

What if he says that the retweet was an accident? Would he have had to message you that though? He could have deleted the Retweet if it was an accident. You would have understood that he didn’t mean to Retweet one fan’s selfie randomly.

You take a deep breath before opening the message to quit your overthinking and your doubts.

@DavidCastanedaJ: It’s a good selfie. I had to retweet it.

After lurking his Twitter last night, you notice that he’s got a dry and sarcastic tone. You’re unsure of what to respond to him with, or if you should even respond. Well, of course you should respond. He felt compelled to say something to you personally instead of being funny and fishing for Likes. Well, that’s speaking for if he’s not being sarcastic.

You tap your chin and wonder if you should screenshot this to your close friends, especially your sister who got you to watch the show and dealt with you ogling over him. You shake your head out of this and think that it’s best to reply to him ASAP. He sent his text around 6am. You’re not sure why he sent it that early. He’s in Toronto, a city not too far from yours. He’s not shooting a show, as far as you knew. There isn’t even an announcement of a season 2 for The Umbrella Academy yet.

You quit your overthinking again, and decide to reply with this:

[@YourUsername]: A good selfie how? Like, in what sense?

You take another deep breath and chuck your phone on the spot next to you on your bed. You get up from the bed and decide to leave your phone alone and try to think of something productive to do on your day off. Before you can do that, your phone buzzes. You beam up, and rush back over to your bed, which you sit on your knees for.

Twitter Notification: Preview of @DavidCastanedaJ Inbox message

@DavidCastanedaJ: Idk

@DavidCastanedaJ: I like your Diego get-up, and you’re aesthically pleasing

Your heart is skipping beats. What does he mean by aesthetically pleasing!? Is he implying that you’re attractive? Are you even his type in looks? Do you resemble Detective Patch? Are actors attracted to the type of people who play their love interests? Well it was the only reference you have for this emerging and handsome actor.

You’re in your 20s, and he’s 29. You still have a baby face and wonder if he thinks you look younger than you actually are. Why would he retweet your selfie though?

[@YourUsername]: Aesthetically pleasing? This face?

You hold your phone and stare at the thread. Maybe he’s online if he replied to your last text just seconds after it. Much to your surprise, there’s a blue checkmark which indicates that he read it. Maybe he’s just thinking of what to say. Or maybe you’re a suggestive creep! Wait, how could you be if he was the one who retweeted your selfie!? God, you really had to quit that. Stop letting it get to your head!

The thread shows a new bubble, from him.

@DavidCastanedaJ: Haha

@DavidCastanedaJ: Yes, this face

@DavidCastanedaJ: It’s a great face. What’s your secret?

You are now blushing and still manage to type.

[@YourUsername]: I did sleep 9 hours last night. You know what they say about 9 hours of sleep.

@DavidCastanedaJ: Yeah, that’s lucky

You are easing into this now, though you are also wondering if you should be careful, or if you’re just dreaming and didn’t actually wake up earlier than you usually do.

[@YourUsername]: I’m guessing you don’t have that luxury?

@DavidCastanedaJ: Well, maybe now I can sleep that much

@DavidCastanedaJ: Back when we were shooting the Umbrella Academy though, I was a mess!

[@YourUsername]: You seem so healthy

[@YourUsername]: At least with that body, you do…

David seems to like that response. You spend Saturday afternoon texting each other, and it’s still surreal to you that this is happening, much less how you two seem so connected.

—

A few hours later.

@DavidCastanedaJ: So, you said you’re in Toronto, right?

[@YourUsername]: Well, I’m in a city *near* Toronto, about a half hour away

@DavidCastanedaJ: Oh I see

[@YourUsername]: I’m there often anyway. I mostly go see local bands, and take their photos

@DavidCastanedaJ: Right. I remember you saying that earlier

You’re unsure of how this conversation could last at this point. You take a chance with a one-word response anyway.

[@YourUsername]: Yep!

@DavidCastanedaJ: How would you feel about coming to Toronto tonight? I thought maybe we could have dinner, and I could show you real Diego Hargreeves gear…

Your heart is racing again! In fact, you think that you’re going to shit your pants. You decide to have some banter with him to cover up your fangirling.

[@YourUsername]: "Real Diego Hargreeves gear.”

[@YourUsername]: Is that a sexual innuendo?

@DavidCastanedaJ: It is if you want it to be ;)

[@YourUsername]: Omg

@DavidCastanedaJ: I realize that did sound pretty sketchy, so sorry about that

[@YourUsername]: No, it’s totally fine! I was just teasing :)

[@YourUsername]: I would love to come to downtown tonight! When are you free?

@DavidCastanedaJ: Well, seeing as I’ve been texting a very beautiful girl all afternoon, I’d say my schedule is pretty flexible

[@YourUsername]: Really? Are you sure that Gerard Way isn’t barking at you to get back on set for season 2 as we speak?

@DavidCastanedaJ: Ahahah yeah totally

@DavidCastanedaJ: I’d tell him to wait though. I should get to spend my free time with someone cool first

From there, you hash out the details for the plans; what time, and where to meet. You both also decide to get a drink at Brooklynn Bar. You’re not much of a drinker, though for a celebrity like him you made an exception.

You decide to wear “the Diego get-up”, this time you style your hair, wear darker red lipstick, the same black eyeliner, and you sling a small black cross-body bag over your shoulder.

David texts you with his name. Then he tells you to keep him posted on your whereabouts. You make your way to downtown and your meeting spot with him. You eye the area and look for him. You turn to some side, and you see him walking over. Your heart is skipping beats again, and you gasp.

He looks so handsome with his tan peacoat, black jeans, his gelled black hair, and beard and mustache.

He smiles knowingly and walks over to you. He gives you a hug.

You cannot believe that it is actually him. You realise in this moment that you could have been catfished. You weakly hug him back in your disbelief over this moment.

He pulls you in closer and you hug back tighter.

“Oh my God!” you exclaim.

He pulls out the hug and he looks over at you with a toothy smile on his face. “What?”

“It’s you. It’s really you! God, this is so embarrassing. I think that I’m actually starstruck.”

He chuckles. “This is gonna sound weird, but I thought I was being catfished.”

You give him a puzzled look, although you are so flattered. “I thought that I was an annoying type of fan you’re annoyed of attracting!”

“What!?” he laughs. “Okay, we haven’t even had a drink yet and we’re already confusing each other.”

You let out a laugh.

He gestures an arm to the entry door. “Shall we go in?”

“Yeah sure!”

He signals for you to walk in first, and so your date begins. Things can only get better from here.

[comicteaparty]

February 15th-February 21st, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from February 15th, 2020 to February 21st, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

If a company wanted to publish your comic or adapt it for animation or games, how willing would you be to change the story if requested to do so?

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

That's such a tough question just because it's such a goal for so many creators, and yet a potential threat to their creativity in a sense. As always, it will depend on what exactly would be changed in order for such a project to be given approval. If it has to do with censoring LGBTQ+ content, changing race for 'marketability' purposes and the like, or erasing a specific topic integral to the plot with relation to politics- then it's a no go. There are plenty enough watered down media that doesn't stretch itself with diversity those companies can have and the subtext they pepper in to stay relevant, def something i find irksome with todays media (its 2020 guys !!) But if it's maybe cutting a chapter that acts like filler, or adding a character ( so long as it is plot relevant) i could take that into consideration! I actually take some time to imagine what Ghost Junk would be in a diff form of media and usually in those scenarios, things change to fit the way its being presented! A video game will differ more than an anime adaptation for sure, so long as the original intent and impact is kept, i would definitely consider some change!

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

If I ever had the opportunity to pass my work off to a whole other team for an adaptation, I think I would take great joy in leaving them completely to it - barring a few obvious issues like race changes, gender/sexuality changes, and... changing the entire story to the point where it's unrecognizable. I love seeing reinterpretations of my work, and I understand that every adaptation would need changes of some form. My words and art aren't gospel - I'm open to any change if it improves the whole product. Whatever it takes to translate the material in the best way, which keeps the original message intact, is all good by me.

Changes in the actual comic would be harder to make - and I'd be far less comfortable with them, to be honest - but I wouldn't fight them if they obviously made the story/characters stronger. I've already added in ideas and reorganized plot threads based on reader feedback - luckily the story still has some places where it can bend. So long as a publisher took my basic story seriously, and aimed to remold it rather than remake it - I'd be down for a discussion. Hopefully a reputable publisher would know how best to sell my work, and would aim to make it as good as possible while maintaining integrity - I would try to trust them

chalcara

Comic stays mine, won‘t be changed beyound perhaps some professional line edits and polish. There’s a reason I didn’t shop it around as a graphic novel. I’d actually like that eitherway, would love to get myself a professional editor when I have the money. Adaptions can go nuts, provided the main characters stay true to their comic versions and the woman-loves-woman storyline stays in.

Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS

For the story to be told in another medium I would be pretty game for it to change the story a bit. Already now we are changing the story from how we made as a campaign. Makeing it more streamlined and more precise. I wanted originally that our comic could be a TV show. I come from a background of a character animator so that would make sense for me. So seeing it animated would be awesome! There would be some designs that needed to change to fit animation better.

Like Andree has this texture in his skin that needed to go away. But seeing it animated would be awesooome

Deo101 [Millennium]

I think if my Characters stay in Character, then I'm fine with changing pretty much any of the plot or world things. But the Character dynamics and who they are as people is what matters most to me, and I'm not sure I would be willing to sacrifice that. With some of my stories I'd be willing to completely let go of the reins, and with others I definitely want a tighter grip, too.

sagaholmgaard

Agree with the thing about character dynamics. My stories always stem from the characters' relationships and how they evolve, so I'd like for the essence of that to stay. Otherwise I'm pretty loose about the plot itself. Because I have an education in game development, I would totally be down for my comic being adapted into a story driven game of some sort. I'd be okay with changing the story to favor the game mechanics, like putting certain magic abilities in the focus and turning certain scenes into gameplay (like when they're sneaking around or fighting). As long as my handful of core emotional moments come across, I'm pretty happy to change things.

Tuyetnhi

I agree with the character dynamics too. I don't feel comfortable if they change the character backgrounds along with it as well for er what Krispy said for "Markability". That stuff won't fly with me. Comic stuff stay the same but for adaptations, I want to make sure it has similar story beats even if there's a change on few details. Tbh I could totally see er....a visual novel game happening in my comic since that's what my original intention was going for. still at the end I really don't intend my comic to transend other mediums since i'm planning to self publish the story someday lol.

kayotics

I’d be pretty willing to change stuff, actually. I’d want to be pretty involved in whatever adaptation was being made in this hypothetical, but I know that more people can make for stronger work. On the other hand, too many cooks can make for some pretty watered down soup, which is why I’d want to have a large role in things so some of the core stuff doesn’t get changed. But as it is, I’m not married to any ideas that exist in my comic, and am pretty welcome to changes.

DanitheCarutor

If the changes were to benefit the story than I wouldn't mind, if they were going to change everything to make it appealing to the masses than no. Definitely not if they want to mess with the characters since how they are play a major role in the comic. I've got a really specific story I'm trying to tell, so I'm very stingy on changes. If anything I'd be more open to a company making a spin-off or something not totally related to the main story, as long as it's not a complete bastardization. Other than free advertising and the brand name, I don't really see how getting published would benefit me anyway? I'm already in the process of rescanning and re-editing the first four chapters of my comic for self-publishing, if I really wanted to adapt it into an animation I would just do it myself. Along with teaching myself whatever else I needed to get as little help as possible. Sure, I have no experience but it's not like I can't learn, there are classes and free tutorials all over the internet. I've always wanted to get into animating. I can't imagine my comic being adapted into game, what would it even be? An anti-dating sim? An interactive novel? An Apollo drinking simulator?

Capitania do Azar

I WANT A BEAT THEM UP JUST RUN IN ONE DIRECTION KICK EVERYONE

eli [a winged tale]

The dream is a studio ghibli adaption but that won’t be happening I would want to vet the studio/company proposing the adaption and ensure that we are a good fit. I echo what many of you have said about the integrity of the characters and heart of the story. There are a lot of secrets that will come to unravel as the comic progresses and I hope the publisher will be accepting of them. I will be happy to have a conversation on why these structural changes are there and why I think it’s important to allow them to reach a wider audience. That said, I am also eager to see how they would themselves interpret the story and I will give creative freedom to that. Again, it’s a dream and while I would love to direct my own film, I simply don’t have the resources to do it (at this time). https://www.instagram.com/s/aGlnaGxpZ2h0OjE3ODQ3MzIzMTM3NjY4MDA0?igshid=15bnlhamdu3tn&story_media_id=2149085305360952847

Capitania we should just have a super smash bros of all our comic characters

renieplayerone

I think like a lot of people here have already said, Im not changing anyones race, gender identity or sexuality. Otherwise? I'd be really curious what someone else's perspectives could bring to my work if it ever got adapted. I have ideas for comics that are written like they could be movies too, but idk. Its fun trying to write thinking of other mediums

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Im pretty much in the same camp of make changes as it makes sense, but stay true to the core. In the case of a live action thing being made of my story, I would actually be super ok with a POC actor filling the role of any of the white presenting characters. Or actors with different body shapes that what I'd originally draw. More diversity in film is always good

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

outside of censorship, I would be fine with most story changes? with that said, good luck lol. there are very few scenes I think can be cut out of the story without supremely messing up later scenes. every magic ability on-screen is important in some way, a bunch of random background characters end up coming back & getting way more focus later on, etc. add filler, sure, but there's really not much you can cut out without messing up the entire story down the line.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

I'm pretty open to the idea of changing some details to fit a different medium better. The big thing that I wouldn't want changed in Whispers of the Past (https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/whispers-of-the-past/list?title_no=191366) is the characters' races. Since the story explores the idea of culture-shock and cultural identity, and the races/cultures are integral to world-building, it would be stupid the change the characters' appearances/races willy nilly. And besides, we don't want what happened to Eragon or Percy Jackson when they became movies. Congratulations on completely killing a franchise But yeah, as long as races and major plot details aren't changed too much, I'm really open to adjusting things. As an example, cutting out smexy times or making the language a bit friendlier to a wide audience, fine by me. But changing Kelan to a blacksmith instead of a farmer... Why???? I would need a good reason to do something like that. (I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU, ERAGON! WHY WAS RORAN JOINING THE ARMY RANDOMLY, INSTEAD OF BECOMING A MILLER? ISN'T THE ARMY WORKING FOR THE EVIL KING WHO TAXES THEM HEAVILY? EXPLAIN THIS TO ME.) I'm actually pretty scared about the whole race thing. I mean, Hollywood also ruined The ]

if the adaptation is Bad I can always just, like, disown it lmao

Deo101 [Millennium]

clearly im the one with the ideas here B) soo

LMAO yea

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

If it was being published as a comic, I don’t think I’d be willing to change too much- though that would depend a great deal in what kind of change. Cleaning up some wonky dialogue? That would probably be fine. Censorship? Absolutely not. Changing my LGBTQ+ characters’ gender / orientation to appeal to the mainstream? Really absolutely not. If being adapted to a different medium, I’d be much more willing to change things around, but would still insist my minority characters not change their identities. But I understand that as far as plot goes, different mediums call for different approaches. I’m planning on writing my comics as novels someday, and will be taking a much different approach to them. The plots will definitely be altered a great deal to better fit being written in prose.(edited)

AntiBunny

It honestly depends on what the changes were. There's a fair amount I'd change myself. A few core things I'd certainly not change though.

In AntiBunny http://AntiBunny.net/ for instance I could see some people missing the point of Penelope's character being a pacifist and wanting to make her some kind of badass, as if the only kind of strength there is comes from violence. I wouldn't remove the question of Pooky's gender, as in order to ask the question of "what is identity" I stripped Pooky of everything including even a mental construct of gender.

Some things I would change though. Likely I would cut the first two chapters and start at the 3rd when the plot actually gets moving. So demands for a faster flowing plot I could certainly meet. I'd probably cut few extra characters from the cast to streamline things a bit.

So yes for the purposes of streamlining things I'd make changes. I wouldn't make changes that would go against the entire point of the cahracters though.

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Oh, a conversation in #general reminded me of something else regarding adapting Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R - If the comic is to be adapted with no changes at all, it'd be a legal nightmare. Off the top of my head, these are properties that have been directly stated in dialogue - - Yahtzee - Risk - Mario Kart - Settlers of Catan - Pokemon - Disney's Frozen I don't think you could technically get in trouble for any of those? It's not like anything copyrighted was shown on screen, it's just characters talking about things they've seen before. But a publisher would probably want to play it safe and avoid that. Also... the NFL might get mad at the publisher if the gang names in Cunoze City aren't changed? Like I don't ever say the team location, so technically full team names are never used... but again, it's probably best to play it safe.

Desnik

I'd be pretty flexible with changes, but if I have to take out demons to appeal to the Evangelical Christian states of America then obvs that's not going to work out

(And you wouldn't think that'd be a Thing to this day, but apparently it's been sort of this unspoken rule in book publishing since the Satanic Panic of the 80's in the US)

Some changes I'd be okay with: Adjusting ages of characters to appeal to target demographics, removing scenes that are difficult to draw, tweaking characters to be either more or less horrible depending on their role in the story

FeatheryJustice

I will be flexible to a point and the limit of this point is pretty align to my morals. If the editor tells me to include some weird things like "You must have a scene where this guy licks the curtains" I would also be like "What is the point of this scene."(edited)

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

“Your protagonist must fight a giant spider in the third act.”

Deo101 [Millennium]

I mean, if you bring up giant spiders in the first act... well...

Q (Wayfinders: Off Course)

Turn it around: if your protag must fight spiders in the third act, well, time to bring in the spiders in the first..?

AntiBunny

The more I think of it, the more I realize that the most likely thing I'd be asked to change in AntiBunny is to either tone down the violence and grimdark for kids, or make it even raunchier to appeal to the "mature" (not mature at all) animation market (Seth McFarlane's audience).

My own comic keeps it rather PG-13, but there's not much market for animation in that field, at least in America. Seems like it's all either kid friendly stories where no one dies or if they do it's off screen (people get shot and stabbed in my comic) or there's the opposite with dropping F bombs every other line and filling it with sex jokes.

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Hey, I mean, never say never. Off the top of my head, Futurama and the Samurai Jack revival were both western cartoons that I'd put solidly in PG-13 territory. Both shows were able to go adult when they needed to be, but they didn't take that as a blank check to go into "rated R" territory for the shock of it.

[summertime-children]

WIP Challenge

Tagged by @kikithedeceiver​ (thanks~)

Tagging: @starspatter​, @cookiehoodie​ and Meli if she ever sees this bc I want a snippet of all her unwritten knkd fics (?) (and if any writer out there needs a nudge to share their WIPs, feel tagged!)

Challenge: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous.

I’ll do what what Kiki did and post titles of my WIPs with comments and short fragments of them? I’ll share here only my kagepro WIPs (so basically kidokano/Kano ones lol). A little warning before we start: it’s going to be very long lol bc I can’t finish fics to save a live and I have... lots of ideas, plus I never get to talk about them >.> Also they’re going to be getting gradually worse bc I’ll go from newest to ancient-est. (Full disclosure tho, those aren’t raw quotes from my WIPs bc some had so visible grammar errors, I just had to fix them + I always put notes in my works, like every second word lol) Here we go.

Listen

Comment: This is the freshiest one, I was writing bits of it merely the day before, and because of that I still naively believe I will finish and post it soon, so I won’t say anything more about it.

”I want you to understand. You… need to know there’s so much to love about you!”

“Haha like what?” he laughed with bitter sounding laugh, something that must had slipped as it was followed by a face she had occasion to see only a few times- a face of regret. Regret of choosing wrong words, wrong mask to put on or forgetting to put her at all.

Different ways to say it

Comment: Just a short fluff where Kano’s snarky bottomness is showing lol

“You should’ve asked ‘Can you kiss me?’ instead.”

Kano is dumbfounded for a few seconds before he snorts.

“Right.” he begins with a playful grin “Let me fix that. Can you, Kido Tsubomi, the fierce leader of Mekakushi Dan, my girlfriend, my sun, my stars, the love of my life, the love of my thousands other lives, do me an absolute honor and light up my da-“

He didn’t even manage to finish before he felt the pair of soft lips landed on his, catching his words.

New chapter

Comment: Won’t say much about it because it’s supposed to be a gift for certain someone~ But here’s a little sneak peek 👀

That was weird. They never really talked about having any pets. They talked about having kids (as much as stating that they want to make a family together during several separate occasions counts), but the topic of having pets was never brought up and in a timespan of living together and even moreso of living alone together, they already had plenty of opportunities to get one. And yet Kano always knew that when Kido pictured their future family together there was also present a small ball of fur waving its tail and he could see it in her eyes at that moment more visibly than ever.

GrimReaper!Kido x Vampire!Kano

Comment: I was very disappointed with the knkd fanwork of that one Halloween art, so I decided to write something that would satisfy me (with no success so far rip).

The black figure that merged with the ubiquitous dark hanged up the big scythe they were holding on the wall, among the collection of similar but different in sizes scythes, proceeded to take off their shoes (but then put them quickly back on, changing their mind as soon as their feet met with the concrete) and pulled off the black hood of their cloak to reveal the long green hair, something that finally stood out in the darkness, before walking deeper into the room.

I can’t wait to fall in love with you

Comment: Inspired by well, that one sentence that is in the title and lowkey (?) by Meli’s lovely fic~ It’s the kind of fic that I myself call “(not) soulmates au”. It revolves around the idea that after so many timelines of falling in love with each other, they’re just bound to fall in love again... Even when they don’t remember their past lives...

“Oh man, I can’t wait to fall in love with you.” Kido turned her gaze towards the blond lying next to her on the couch. Her widened from being taken aback by his statement eyes met his golden, cat-like ones, tinted with the strange warm spark that she could feel she had yearn for a very long time. It lasted only a second though because soon her brows furrowed and her gaze dropped from those well-too-familiar (given the circumstances) eyes to her hands.

Two cats

Comment: Set in the sort of the au where they never died? On one winter day Kano takes stray cat to his house to take care of. It’s solely Kano fic btw.

Forgetting for a moment about his own advice (why he should had kept repeating it in his head) he looked over his shoulder to see if his stalker was still there and in that moment their gazes lock. “Crap.” He couldn’t help but think ‘curiosity killed the cat’ as a pair of similar eyes to his stared back at him.

hbd kido

Comment: Product of my procrastination. (As you may tell, I have a problem with it). One year I was slightly~ more productive and was kinda disappointed that I didn’t manage to write Christmas fic. So then I thought that I could save some time and write this fic where Kido has joint Birthday-NewYear party with Christmas decorations still lying around (including mistletoe *cough cough*) just in time for KidoKano Day killing not two, but even four birds with one stone. It’s sort of high school au btw.

“Hi.” The boy tried again. His face was embellished with wide grin and slightly flashed cheeks and in his hand she noticed a can of beer. Oh no.

“Hi, Kano.” She said with disinclination. It wasn’t like she didn’t like the guy. Even more, in the normal situation, like average day in the school, she would find a conversation with him a nice or refreshing thing. He was one of a few people that actually knew about her existence and despite her previous prejudice he turned out to be a pretty nice guy.

Christmas Event

Comment: I’m not sure what Christmas event that was for lol.

For Kano it was this time of a year when his Mother would stay home the whole day instead of going to work and she would be more kind to him. Though he wouldn’t call it exactly this way (it’s not like he felt she wasn’t kind to him normally after all), but she was definitely more forgiving.

Affectionate meme Requests

Comment: Requested for the writing meme in the year 2016. Keeps it as a reminder of how big loser I am (?) (just what this post manages to do so far lol) The prompt was “love bite” >.>

From her spot she couldn’t see him quite clear, due to the still turned off lights, so it was only up to her imagination to decide whether he recollected his mask or not. Maybe it was the second after all, because excluding two golden eyes that shone at her there were two bright spots that stood out in the dark, both marked on his skin.

M!KidoKano

Comment: It was supposed to be male!Kido x Kano fic and yeah... I’m emberassed about it tbh. Like, by the fact I wanted to write it itself. Idk now I find it rather weird to genderbend only one person from the pairing, especially in the fic and for that reason I won’t share fragment from it. Sadly it’s one of my better written pieces lol and going back to it I see I made male!Kido no differnt from the regular Kido... which makes it a good genderbend I guess, but also completely unnecessary.

Angsty Kano fic

Comment: I have no idea lol There’s almost nothing written there.

Even Greater Fear

Comment: Despite what title may suggest it’s more fluffy than angsty. KanoKido family fluff where Kano gets anxious about how happy he is now and that he might someday lose it too. Featuring my knkd fankids, Naoki and Reika.   

“Mom, dad is sad!” announced Reika with reproach. This she wasn’t expecting.

“What?” Tsubomi asked out of surprise and was followed by a low groan coming from behind the couch that could belong only to her beloved husband.  

“No, I’m not.”  She watched how the expressions of her children slowly changed from the ones of concern to the ones of disappointment and disgust.

“And he’s denying it.”

Inverted

Comment: Silly engagement scenario. If I ever finish that, it'll be my comedic genius’ peak I swear (?)  

He was clearly getting more nervous, the longer the searching wasn’t bringing any results. He let go of Kido’s hand and got his another one to help him search for whatever was supposed to be in that pocket. However, after a while his movements completely stopped and with some kind of dread in the eyes he whispered under his breath, “It’s gone.”

Time

Comment: Angsty setomary fic I wanted to write for SetoMary Spring (anyone remember that?) 

When she moved out to her new family the first thing she noticed was that time has significantly slowed down. Oddly, somehow it did accelerate at the same time. It was hard to explain and she herself couldn’t understand the feeling nor did she give it much consideration, but for the first period of living in that new world, new pace of that very activity- living- has struck her.

One in a million

Comment: An actual soulmates au (with the variation of the red thread concept). It’s way too ambitious for me lol (starting with the fact that it’s supposed to be multi-chapter story). I won’t share a fragment of it bc not much’s written and bc tbh there would be spoilers, in case I ever do post it. I could write about the concept in a seperate post though because I did a lot of world-building for it. (A lot for me, ok?)

Clear and present

Comment: Ghost AU. Baby Kano hides one time in the abandoned, partly burned mantion and that’s where he meets the ghost of (scary) green-haired teenage girl he befriends. Somehow got inspired by that anthology comic? Also I would listen to this song while attempting to write it lol. Not much was written though.

What I didn’t

Comment: This one’s rare. My only attempt at writing harutaka fanfic. (Funnily enough last safe was on kidokano day?... many years ago.)  In the manga Takane was pretty excited to give Haruka a present for his birthday, but he had an attack and was hospitalized so she didn’t and it wasn’t said (?) if she ever gave it to him later. So my idea for this fic was that she didn’t and how she was now trying to give it to him after three years. Took huge inspiration from this song: {x}

She didn’t have to wait long until there were heard slow, but at the same time hurried footsteps behind the door and soon it was followed by the sound of doors being unlocked. The doors before her opened revealing the light-brown-haired boy wearing excited smile and slightly oversized green sweater with embroidered reindeer. And one of these was just the warmest thing in this cold winter world.

Sneeze like a kitten

Comment: Inspired by one line from Gravity Falls lol It was just another thing I wanted to add to list of similarities between Kano and cats and I’m sure it would bring Kido joy too ;3 But as much as I still find this idea cute it is so awkwardly written lol. I kinda appreciate that it’s from Rin’s POV and that I tried using kinda fancier English for that reason (as fancy as I knew back then lol), but I guess first person fics will always sound weird. It’s set in a different route I guess where they sort of met before the orphanage.

Soon I noticed all her glances seemed to be directed at small boy with blond hair sitting alone on the bench, a little away from the playground. At first I was fairly surprised, not understanding why this particular boy had become her spot of interest, but giving more attentive look at the boy made me instantly realize reasons of her intent glances.

Connection

Comment: I have almost nothing written there and I barely remember it, but from what I can see it must be my original idea for the “formal event” prompt from the very first kanokido week. I... think it was sort of an au where they never died and they met at some sort of fancy party held by Kido’s parents where Kano was a waiter.

Oof that’s all (I mean all from the folder on my pc, but I won’t be getting into that). For a fair portion of it, I gotta objectively say there’s absolutely zero chance of me ever finishing them, but then (aside from the freshest ones that I still have on my mind) revisiting all those WIPs made me really want to revive some of them owo (some I would have to completely re-write tho OTL)

[bonnie-and-cloud]

How not to be a dumbass by Vann

Or how to correct your absolute fuck up in the event you are a dumbass and clog your bathtub drain like a goober

I'm on mobile so no read more I'm sorry

So a little back story so maybe you can avoid being a shit for brains neanderthal like me. I was cleaning bun cages and every now and then they need to soak because buns. Any bun owner knows why. They get gross. Especially ours because they're territorial so there is literally 0 point to a tiny litterbox in their cages. We're working on getting them fixed but that's another story. So I'd soaked this cage and dumped the water full of sawdust, hay, etc without thinking

See, we do cages and litter boxes as follows: puppy pee pad(s), newspaper, wood shavings because they love to chew on them, then hay. This keeps them relatively clean but we haven't been able to find newspaper recently or had the money for pee pads. So you do what you can, thus the sawdust. This leaves for especially gross cages for obvious reasons. We had to invest in a kitty litter scoop awhile back

Point being, find a big like storage bin (usually cheap and can be used for all kinds of things) and empty whatever you can carry into there. Then dump it in your yard. If you're an apartment dweller/without a yard, you're just going to have to perish I guess. If you're a homeowner, just wash these outside to spare the trouble. We're apartment dwellers with a small yard but no house and idk if there's hook up frankly

THAT SAID, let's say you were a buffoon and clogged your drain like I did, go to your local hardware store ie Menards, Home Depot, Lowe's, etc and look for SULFURIC ACID. Your regular drain-o won't do shit because it's bleach. And while bleach will eat through like wads of hair (most clogs) you're screwed for bigger things especially organic materials like sawdust, bun poop, and hay. You DO NOT WANT LYE as the lye will react to the organic material and expand and then you've got a bigger mess and need to shell out money for a professional to fix your mess

These WILL NOT be in the cleaning section by the way. Don't even look there and skip it altogether. Instead, look by sink fixtures and if you can't find it, ask someone where the lye products are because these heavy duty items are shelved together. Triple check every bottle you pick up because out of like 15 or so products, one was acid

You'll want goggles that secure to your head like from high school chemistry NOT glasses as those can slip off. You need to protect your eyes from fumes and splash back since this shit eats through bone. You're going to want at LEAST a dust mask but I'd recommend a fumes mask. This is because sulfuric acid is fucking strong as hell and you do not wanna inhale that shit. And while a dust mask is cheap and works, you're going to want to be able to breathe thus why I suggested the fumes mask. It also helps protect your face from splash back. Then you're going to want rubber gloves like the thick yellow kind you see on TV. Not thin latex cause it'll eat through that shit so fast if you get any acid on them anywhere. Shell out a little extra because I promise you WILL get acid on your hands and you DO NOT want to do that shit more than once or to suffer from an actual spill instead of a drop like I did

I'd also recommend clothing protection but MINIMUM this is what you want. Also get like a little bucket for like a dollar to put upside down over the drain just in case your drain decides to regurgitate and there's acid in that nastiness. I don't know why that's important but the instructions said so. Designate this bucket as The Acid Bucket just in case

Now, when you've busted past the plastic containing the sulfuric acid and popped open the top, you'll notice a metal covering. This is not nearly as thin as it looks. I was thinking yogurt top and grabbed a leftover screw from work my husband didn't need to poke it. Long story short. I got acid on my hand and it hurt like a bitch. Thank god it was just a drop honestly. So I stuck my hand under the coldest water I could stand for 15 minutes because you DO NOT want that shit anywhere near your eyes no matter how small. It's like if onions had literal knives instead of just making you cry

Oh and the part of the screw that touched acid? Fucking melted the latex paint and the screw threading down to a part of the metal that was white, entirely eating off the tip. And that wasn't even a quarter inch submerged in acid or for very long. So get like a utility knife. My husband grabbed his from work he uses to open chemicals. Frankly, if I had a redo, I'd get disposable rubber gloves so I had protection but also movement unlike the thick PVC coated rubber ones I had on hand. The cold water was more painful than the acid frankly and I haven't warmed back up over 12 hours later

DO NOT USE HOT WATER IF YOU HAVE TO RINSE SULFURIC ACID OFF ANYTHING. YOU WILL ABSOLUTELY HAVE A HORRIFYING REACTION YOU DO NOT WANT. USE THE COLDEST WATER POSSIBLE TO AVOID THIS REACTION

All of that said, you'll want to remove your drain before you start because this shit WILL om nom nom through that chrome worse than the cookie monster on a binge. Like our chrome is black now. You'll have to look up on YouTube to find out how yours unscrews. Ours needs a specific wrench and screwdriver we don't own so I said well since I've already fucked up what's another? Well that's the price. Fucked up chrome

Flip the vent on so fumes don't build up. If you've ever been to a place with sulfur water like camping in Yellowstone, it's that smell but like x10. It is beyond strong and you'll want some ventilation. Make sure no bunnies, human children, or the otherwise vulnerable can access the bathroom while you're doing this or for 15 minutes after each pour for the acid to feast (we only needed one) and another 15 once your drain is clear to run the shower at icy for 15 minutes to wash anything left down the drain. Don't want acid burns when you shower and you do not want to put others on danger

So you have the vent on and the drain open. Suit up minus your gloves so you can free the sulfuric acid of its top hat. Immediately din your gloves. Pour sir eats everything down your drain. There should be a chart on the label to tell you how much you need. You might need more if it's a particularly awful clog but I doubt you'll need less. Flip your bucket over top of the drain, cap your bottle, and hit start on your clock's stopwatch feature. Be sure when you pour not to have your face directly over the drain just in case. Mask is also great because holding your breath sucks a lot

After 15 minutes, turn on the faucet to check how well your tub drains. Remember the cold water. If it's not going, do another round of acid though I doubt you'd need a repeat. If things are all good, rinse out the tub as best you can if there's backup or buildup like ours had. Then turn on the shower and aim the spray directly over the drain if the drain isn't directly below the faucet. Let that go for 15 minutes to ensure all the acid is down the drain. Leave the vent on until the smell goes away just in case

So that's how you fix a colossal fuckup because Google only said "acid cleaner" and I had to piece everything else together on my own. A lot of this information is on the label, but I would've liked to have known beforehand too just what I was dealing with. I feel like I would've avoided getting acid on my hand and I would've made triple sure I had a mask on hand. I couldn't find the dust mask so I skipped it which just made things harder for me. I mean I knew it was Serious Shit but until I felt it, I hadn't had a clue. My husband had to tell me some things because he works with dangerous materials as a roofer. I also would've liked to have known about the drain mechanism itself because I would've preferred to open that sucker up

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk and please reblog this around for anybody who might need it. I'd like if other people didn't go in without Knowing unlike me because while nothing awful happened, it could have

[callie-the-snarky-geek-blog]

RvB16 Episode 1 Review: The Shisno

(Old Blog Repost)

Season 15, to put it lightly, has had mixed reception. Some liked it, some didn’t. Some like parts of it, others like different parts. Regardless of where you stand, I think we can all agree that it wasn’t a perfect season. Personally I enjoyed it, but I was also a newcomer to RvB so… you know, I’m biased. Regardless, Joe did well enough to be given the reigns once again and it looks like he has some MASSIVE plans.

So finally, here we are with the sixteenth season. With only one episode, it’s still too early to determine if this season will be an improvement or a disappointment. But the first episode is supposed to draw us in. Did it succeed in doing so? Lets find out.

Overview

The introduction is… weird. We saw the medieval scene on Twitter.. well the first few seconds anyways. It being a medieval version of the famous ‘ever wonder hwy we’re here’ scene can’t be for no reason. I guess it MAY be a hint at the time travel aspect coming up, but for now it’s just baffling. What is even mroe baffling is the vortex and the voice following it. We now know that the voice belongs to a being named Muggins as he speaks of things being provoked by humble actions and briefly going over the end of S15. Some kind of prophecy has been triggered due to the time drill thing and even with it gone, it still fulfilled it’s purpose. Which leads us to…

Fighting over food! So first, Joe wasn’t kidding about this whole thing beginning as a quest for pizza. I need to rewatch that tease later to see what other hints are in it. But regardless, with the Blues and Reds defeated and Dylan offering to talk to the cops since they’re still wanted (and I imagine this leads to her and Jax’s final scene in S15), our guys have earned some R&R. It was honestly a nice welcome back to see them just bickering over something as ridiculous as where to go out to eat. It fits them so well and feels like a very nice welcome back after all the insanity last season. Things are slowly tingeing back to normal… at first.

Simmons notices that Donut is missing, so Grif sends Caboose to go find him. Honestly the fact that SOMEONE realized that Donut wasn’t there is a sign of improvement since it’s always kind of been a running joke that no one. Sure, sending Caboose probably wasn’t THE best idea, but it’s a sign of improvement! Then we get the… body horror scene… dear God that looked painful. It was still funny due to how oblivious to it Caboose was, but still… MAN. It wouldn’t have been as bad if it weren’t for Donut’s screams of pain. Man, Dan Godwin nailed it… and I imagine that had to HURT so kudos! So yeah… Donut vanishes to I assume the same place the time drill went since they use the same sound effect. I guess Donut will then ascent not Godhood since he is beyond the plain of space and time now. We’ll see~

So Cabosoe comes back empty handed and at first everyone considers going to find him… except Grif. He wants to get the Hell off the island before the cops get there. We’ll talk more about this in a little while but man do I have thoughts! So the Reds and Blues all agree on pizza with Sister tagging along. Carolina and the lieutenants meanwhile head for Chorus, Carolina to go check on Wash and the lieutenants to get back to what Jensen calls ‘interesting things’. So I assume that we’ll get some kind of B Story involving Chorus hijinks. Maybe if we’re lucky, a certain green mercenary will show up… I can dream!

This is where things get interesting as we then see two tiny balls of light. Muggins, who we already heard, and a female-voice done named Huggins. He is apparently a rookie as Muggins sends her to keep watch over the Reds and Blues and to both not lose them and to not be spotted. He meanwhile shoots across space and we get a REALLY cool intro sequence showing all the cast and the main crew members… though they forgot Geoff’s name for some reason (the Youtube version has it, so I assume it’s an error). Oops. They also don’t have Becca listed, though Sister isn’t technically a main character so I guess that’s why. Maybe in the future. But it’s really cool and the alien-esque soundtracks sounds so perfect.

Muggins arrives at what we can assume is the villains lair. IDK if this is an original set piece designed by RT Animation or if it’s an actual Halo map. Either way, it looks awesome. Dark, with a lot of red and black, but epic in scale. A proper villain lair. We get a glimpse of a green-armored soldier with a British accent golfing… weird. Anyways, Muggins reports to their leader who we only see partially. They have black armor and while they only say one word, it’s a… pretty damn intimidating voice. Muggins informs the leader that the ‘pizza quest’ has begun and therefore triggered the last part of the prophecy, ending the episode.

Review

While the episode is only nine minutes long, BOY HOWDY did it leave PLENTY to talk about. I guess we’ll start with Donut though. I have no idea what the Fuck just happened. It’s clear that the blast from the drill caused… whatever the Hell happened and we can assume form the earlier narration, that this was meant to happen. So this is definitely going to be important. Going off the promo material, where Donut’s in a kind of meditative pose, it seems like he’s going to become a God-like figure. My guess is that he now exists outside the realm of space and time, which is where I believe the drill now is. What will this do to Donut? I have no idea, but this is definitely going it be a lingering plot thread. And hey, Donut deserves the focus.

Something I also liked is how the Reds and Blues DID notice that he was missing. Look, they do not have a good track record of remembering either Donut or Doc. So the fact that Simmons relied it is a massive improvement. And I do like how after Caboose said that he was gone, Sarge and Tucker DID want to loo for him and not leave him behind. Grif convinces them not to, but still it is a HUGE sign of improvement compared to normal. And while they DID ultimately leave, I think it’s good that they at least recognized that Donut was gone and considered looking for him. It’s a good sign that they are growing.

Next lets talk about Carolina and Wash. So it looks like, at least for now, they won’t be in on the main plot. I assume that they’ll be given a B Plot revolving around Chorus, considering Jensen’s line about the going-ons there, but it’s too soon to tell. But yeah Carolina and Wash will likely be on the sidelines at least for now. Honestly… I an good with this! I love them both, don’t get me wrong. But lets face it, both have had a LOT of focus and attention ever since their respective introductions. Freelancer has been running the series for a long time now, and for good reason. But I really want to see the Reds and Blues on their own for once. S15 showed that, when they get their act together, they can operate and be formidable on their own with minimal Freelancer help. I want to see them have to deal with a massive situation without just having Wash or Carolina deal with it for them. I did like that Tucker plans to get Wash his own pizza though, just showing how much he cares for his teammate. You’ve grown up Tucker!

The biggest thing I want to talk about before we get to the villains though is Grif. Because his lines here are… interesting. It is clear that he wants to avoid any adventure, insanity, and dramatics as much as possible. When Jensen starts talking about Chorus, he says he wants to avoid the subject before trying to take it back. Then there’s the entire pizza quest thing. He doesn’t want to call it a quest. He doesn’t want to look for Donut because it would mean staying around and having to talk to cops. He calls out the others on how everything always has to be treated like a major production. He outright tells Sister that they’re not getting into anything crazy when she is clearly enthused about the idea. Now this could just be because he’s ‘hangry’ and also doesn’t want to chance getting arrested, but… IDK. To me, adding in the ‘new science’ line, it all paints a very clear picture: Grif wants things to go back to normal, just like he did last season… and it makes sense.

Some may say ‘wait, shouldn’t he be over this after last season?’. No. No he should not. Last season had Grif regret quitting because he didn’t like being alone and in the end, he DOES care about the others. And yes, he did willingly get into the thick of things when he joined back up. But here’s the thing, he did so because the others were in trouble and they needed him. But now that trouble is over.  Now there is a chance for him to FINALLY go back to a level of normalcy with the others again. It’s why he’s trying so hard to avoid talking about serious matters or refusing Sister and Caboose’s replies about ‘adventures’ and ‘quests’. He never got over wanting to be done with that. We never had any kind of scene where he comes to terms with the insanity that is his life, only of him having regret abandoning the others. So it makes sense that this is still a thing with him like it was last year. The only difference is this time, instead of quitting, it seems like he’s going to try to actively attempt to keep them out of any insanity. Will this go anywhere? We’ll have to see. But since the promo art just has him facepalming, I think this may be his character arc for the season. And since Grif is my favorite character and I loved his development last season, I am all for it!

That leads us to our ‘villains’. And I say that lightly because while they ARE clearly the antagonists, I… can’t really tell if they’ve evil. Going off Mugigns’ narration and report to the leader, it sounds like they are trying to prevent some kind of horrible catastrophe that the Reds and Blues unknowingly started. As for WHAT they are… well they aren’t human, at least not fully. It’s way too soon and we still know way too little. But I am going to assume that they are aliens and some kind of high cosmic order. One that makes the head of it essentially a God. Heck the names Huggins and Muggins seem to be based off Huginn and Muginn, ravens who act as the eyes and ears to Odin in Norse mythology. Going off that… yeah, we’re going full Thor here apparently.

The leader we can assume is the equivalent of Odin, the king God in Norse mythology. IDK if we’ll get a Thor and Loki equivalent…. unless the green guy is meant to be one or the other. But yeah, this means that this guy is scary news. It’s too soon to say who he may be, though I saw one person speculate that it may be Donut. And with the time travel stuff, it IS possible. But again, too soon to say. Though if not I guess that Donut becoming a God will be the key to beating this guy. Either way, the goal is unclear other than that a prophecy has been provoked. Whether they’re going to try to stop it form coming to pass, or make sure it comes to pass is unclear. We also don’t know what the prophecy is other than that the time drill’s activation was the first sign and the pizza quest was the point of no return.

So here is my current theory. As I said, I don’t think that the ‘villains’ are actual villains. Or at least they aren’t evil psychos like Felix or a well-intentioned extremist gone mad like Temple. I think that this ‘prophecy’ is going to make them see the Reds and Blues as the villains. So they are going to attempt to wipe them out in order to prevent the prophecy from being fulfilled. It makes them the antagonists by default. How that will cause time travel to factor in unless an attempt to kill them goes horribly wrong IDK. Still, that’s my current stance. Will it get cleared up? Probably and it’ll lead to the true villain showing up. Bu it’s still WAAAAY too soon to say, but going off Muggins’ worry it doesn’t feel like he and Huggins at least aren’t antagonistic. But we’ll see as things unfold.

All of this of course leaves a LOT of questions. What is the prophecy exactly? What is the catastrophe? How does time travel equate into it? How does the medieval scene fit into it? Is this based on any of the alien stuff we’ve had in the past? Is it something completely different? How does Donut’s current situation equate into this? What kind of aliens/interdimensional beings are these guys? Who is the golfing guy? Who is that four armed guy that we saw in the trailer? Is he with these guys? Or is he a different antagonist? Is he an antagonist at all? How do the Reds and Blues end up caught up in it? Are we going to learn the definition of shisno? There’s a lot of questions man! And that’s okay, it’s the first episode, we’re supposed to be asking questions. Gotta give Joe this, he left us with plenty to think about.

So the way that things currently stand is the Reds and Blues are going for pizza (and I assume that the ship crashes since we see them in a forest area in the trailer), Carolina is heading for Chorus, and the villains are beginning their own plans. What’s going to happen next? I honestly have no clue. I assume that we’ll be following the Reds and Blues still next episode and maybe they’ll discover Huggins, but I honestly don’t know. Way to keep us hanging Joe.

Final Thoughts

This is how you do a premiere! The episode leaves a LOT of questions, but plenty of laughs in classic RvB fashion as well. It uses it’s time effectively and while it was only nine minutes long, it sure didn’t feel that short. The scenes all serve as a nice welcome back, opens up new possibilities, and sets up things for our heroes nicely. Sure the medieval scene is kind of out of place, but normally in animation a scene like that is there for a reason, so we’ll see later. But the machinima and original animation were solid, the acting was good as always, the humor and banter were on point, and we have plenty of mystery to look forward to down the road. It also sets up potential character development for Donut and Grif, which is very much appreciated. It was very well done and I am absolutely craving for more! Great episode!

[spamzineglasgow]

(REVIEW) Not your minute turns from the blueprint: Body Work, by Tom Betteridge (SAD Press, 2018)

Denise Bonetti <denise.spamzine@gmail.com> Mon, 10 Dec 2018, 20:21 to maria.spamzine Hey Maria, Hope life’s good :) I’m just writing to see you if you’ve read Tom B’s new Body Work? There’s a paper I should be writing, but have been reading and rereading that pamphlet instead, or more like dipping in and out really, cause it's so beautifully layered and expanding that you can only take so much at a time. Don’t you think Tom’s poetry has this strange earworm quality to it? (I think he’d like the annelid comparison.) The way he choreographs words (I don’t want to use the word 'images’) makes its way into my brain and never wants to leave. He draws these, like, lateral paths of meaning so clearly that the weeds never grow back.Tom Raworth has this bit in 'Writers / Riders / Rioters' that goes:

the present is surrounded  with the ringing of ings which words have moss on the northside

like, words naturally arrange themselves into a system of semantic habit, which is so stable and stale that makes them grow moss, but also so rich and vibrant when it's exploited productively. Obviously this is Raworth so it probably also means the opposite of this and so much more, but it kinda makes me want to say that the present (poem) makes the ringing of ings deviate so well that the moss can never grow again. I’d say that his poems behave like sophisticated lines in the sand, but they're more like brutal carvings on a rock. He had a couple poems in Blackbox Manifold ages ago (I think) and there was this one bit

‘nerve truffled plume lead pickled breast’

I think about all the time (especially when I cook). It’s so smooth. Why can I not stop thinking about it. It’s cause it’s so shameless, it wants it all - the feather-light and the corpse-heavy, never perturbed, so lucid. It plays at tasting good, but it tastes of an unrealistically blank texture. A-ha! Anyway the new pamphlet is gr8, if you haven’t read it yet look at the first poem pls - ‘OCCAM OCEAN’ (sounds like an anagram or palindrome)

It all dwells in systematic abstraction but flies so close to materiality, like a mosquito buzzing around the ear ('Not your minute turns from the blueprint'). I love that ‘plate’ in the first phrase, too: it behaves like an adjective but feels nothing like it. I can't help but think it's the subject of the sentence in a parallel universe that's created by scrambling syntax. It makes me think this is the way language should always work, and that we're the fkn idiots living in the parallel universe in which syntax is scrambled in ordered to be as boring as possible. Idk - it's late and I need to go back to writing boring essay syntax 'bound to decision and the pursuit of what follows'. Lemme know ur thoughts you smart queen D xxx

Maria Sledmere <maria.spamzine@gmail.com> Wed, 12 Dec 2018, 17:30 to denise.spamzine

Dearest Denise,

Life is good thanks. I'm sitting in the attic of the law building and I can hear the construction work going on and every time I leave I look out at the skyline and slivers of infrastructural alteration. I was walking along the road earlier because the pavement was closed off for construction and cba crossing and the high-vis guy was like, 'you'll not see Christmas walking on the road like that', but I guess I misheard him saying something else because I was really engrossed in this old Slowdive album, so I just smiled sweetly. Anyway, that got me thinking back to the question of erasure, which I think is pretty vital to Body Work.Have been carrying this pamphlet in my bag for so long that the cover has started to peel and revealing speckles of white underneath, like the text itself is ready to reveal itself, and yes I was thinking Barthes and strip-tease and paratextual enticement.

So I had to google the word annelid and now can't get the phrase 'segmented worm' out of my ear/head/throat (gross!). I was thinking about what sort of stains are on the cover of this book, you know, with Hrafnhildur Halldórsdóttir's gouache/pencil work. A stain is one thing stuck to another. Gouache is a funny kinda substance that is half watery gauze, half binding, thick, gummy akin to acrylic. Wet, it will easily smudge. My thumb keeps bleeding where the skin thins, hardens, peels and sloughs off. Tom's poems are kinda mucilaginous in parts (v. insecty, molluscky, sap emission; but also they have a crispness and precision, like cuts of leaf). Things that smudge or fall in flakes. Bodies are maybe whatever we leave behind. I didn't want to mention Hookworms the band because of the singer's sexual abuse scandal BUT it seems significant that a group named after an earworm/type of parasitic larvae would have a song called 'Negative Space'. Like what we eat into in the process of making, existing, remixing. Is language a rash, the result of these parasitic inf(l)ections?

I've been to a couple of reading groups on microbiomes lately, and we were thinking through this idea of how acknowledging your bodily composition in terms of myriad genes and organisms challenges conventional, bounded notions of 'self'. What kinds of affects does this produce? There's a weirdness to that, in Mark Fisher's sense of the weird as 'that which does not belong', that which 'brings to the familiar something which ordinarily lies beyond it, and which cannot be reconciled with the "homely" (even as its negation)'. Fisher suggests that the form most conducive to rendering the weird might be montage. So I was thinking about how montage involves splicings, gaps, juxtapositions, cuts and suddenness. I mean you open the very first poem of Body Work, 'Occam Ocean', and see that its prose-poetic paragraph compacting is split in the middle by the juncture of line break and indent. And ofc the title recalling Occam's razor, the philosophic principle by which in the case of two explanations for an occurrence, it's best to go with the one that requires least speculation. Razor things down and erase speculation? What are we left with, more of the Rreal? Lately I've been hankering for cleaner prose, crisp lines, simpler solutions. The Anthropocene is all of a goddamn tangle. Do I want to follow the myriad threads or just cut cut cut -- who gets to do that?

Did you ever cut a worm in two as a kid?

Okay so I love how 'Occam Ocean' might promise, title-wise, this clean prosaic expanse (like the oxymoron of expanding ocean and occam's, which requires surely a condensing), but what we get is clustering, motion, shiver, containment. The sensual trash magickk of P. Manson! The little syncope of this thing or that, the 'maple neck', vibrating canes, 'chambered breath bowed into the driest soundboard'. These aren't like 'Latour litanies' because they are not like concrete OOO segments of things; idk, they are more about processes and mutable assemblages, emphasis on action and change, sometimes transmission, things inside things. Lynn Margulis and symbiogenesis. How things interact, communicate up close; all of a mutable, prose-poetic swallow. It's actually an incredible intimate pamphlet, don't you think? I feel inside a thing inside a thing inside a thing. I feel a vague ecological sorrow, which gnaws at introspective tendency. The clue to that, you might see, is the cutaway phrase, 'emo      Chord' in 'String Growth'. 

'Collapse all tears allowing echo retreat'; these lyric lines of 'Glissando' expression, smoothing and shimmering over cuts and junctures: a slide between notes. I used to play trombone and I wish I cld articulate linguistically what kinds of lip vibration occur when you attempt a glissando and feel it slide down your arm muscle but then also through your chest as you try to sustain a sound. It's maybe the way you glide through a scattered poem, with your eye, which is different ofc to the spikier way you'd have to read it aloud, stuck on the vowels. Stuttering. I would love to hear Nat Raha perform these poems, because she does such wonderful things with punctuation and bodily performance, a kind of grammar of breath and cough and click. Reading over the more field erasure poems like 'O--NE' and 'String Growth', it's easy to say something like ~vibrant materialism~ here, but as usual I reach for Steven Connor on noise. Return to the ear, which is 'vulnerable' and 'resembles the skin in being the organ of exposure and reception'. I love what Connor says about Levinas' perspective on 'the awareness of the vacant anonymity of being, of an abstract, encompassing sense that "there is"' being 'an experience of noise'. <3 Acknowledging that breath in the void, that is not nothing but a sparkling something, entails a sense of noise. I am here in the attic of the law building, listening to construction, the type of my fingers on the keys. Someone is murmuring of their distress. What is the difference between living and existing, and being and nothing?

Karen Barad:

'Suppose we had a finely tuned, ultrasensitive instrument that we could use to zoom in on and tune in to the nuances and subtleties of nothingness. But what would it mean to zoom in on nothingness, to look and listen with ever-increasing sensitivity and acuity, to move to finer and finer scales of detail of...?'

When she asks, 'What is the measure of nothingness?' I think surely it is a bodily measure, as everything is: 'bound', as Tom puts it, 'to decision and the pursuit of what follows'. Of course 'what follows' recalls Derrida's 'The Animal That Therefore I Am (More to Follow)', where he's just out the shower and watching his cat watching his phallus, etc. What kinds of dislocation occur. But I mean in all that grandeur of encounter, there's still anthropocentricism. Tom gives you this cinematic CUT, like the instructive 'keen SNAP' that occurs in 'Occam Ocean' to dramatise 'Still, pondsnails whir and blindly source [...] a working leaf shutter'. Soever the language enacts the slurs of the snails up close. We look for the answer to the question of ellipsis, the more to follow [what follows]: inevitable, a question. Sometimes Tom is writing about silence ('then silence confronts an earful underhand') but the music of his language does all the noise, so we just can't have nothingness: there is always a vibrational residue that speaks of something in miniature, atomic, happening.

Ofc with the ear again I am thinking of the ear at the start of Lynch's Blue Velvet and how it's covered in rasping wee insects whose hum is a sort of white noise of trauma that runs through Lumberton's suburban idyllicism.

And so what happens next is I flip open to the following page of Body Work and there is 'String Growth', one of Tom's sprawling erasure poems, which for more than a split-second resembles hundreds of crawling, shimmering ants. I actually think my earliest childhood memory is of looking down at my bare feet on the patio of our old house in Hertfordshire and seeing red ants run over my toes. Then looking up to a greying, English sky. Constantly struck by the cinematic image of that, its splicing out of time: the vividness of insects on human flesh, then milky smog of skyward nothingness. 'String Growth', the accompanying notes to Body Work tell me, is an erasure poem of the Chordoma Foundation's 'Understanding Chordoma' information page.

Erasure can expose sequences of nightmare at work in the lexis and syntax of the text on which it parasitically feeds. I am scared to go on the Chordoma Foundation's website, for fear that just reading or saying the word 'tumour' will activate some kind of malignant growth in my body. And so something of the word chord as a sonorous relation between materials (bodily, textual; textural, cellular). Chordomas are tumours often located in the spine and so I find myself looking for the undulating shape of a spine in the scatter-text of Tom's poem. My eyes cascade down textual spines. Why is it sometimes I otherwise latch upon a 'keystone' word which then extends with adjacent resonance? Musical abnormalities accumulate. Thought swells.

And yea I wonder how this fits into what you say about the poems being 'so smooth'. Like Lynch's waxen silicone ear. Because even though fragmentation makes me think of bits and jaggedness etc, there's this sheen of aestheticism to Tom's work that makes me think of gloopiness, fullness, thereness but also the glaze of potential nothingness. Like in Barad's sense, or miniaturised ecological window shopping - a la Morton's Romantic consumerism? Or do we get into the things themselves? What are your thoughts on the question of recalcitrance? Maybe cos he named a previous pamphlet Pedicure I've just got varnish on my mind. Things an insect might stick to, and be amberized in. Mm.

'[...] Phosphorus crystals may be white, red, burgundyor alight as urine passes'

I keep a stone of citrine under my pillow sometimes. It is supposed to alleviate nightmares and 'manifest abundance'. It is the colour of a rich, dehydrated piss and sometimes when I come back to bed after peeing in the night I think it's some kind of organ lain on my bedsheets, hopped out of my body, and I have to stop my heart and breathe. Is that syncope?

On the <topic of piss>, isn't there a sort of caustic quality, even to the smoothness? Like it is working at making a brittleness of its sheen? And that is what poetry is, cracking the veneer of language or something? Punctuational insects dwelling in splits and fissures? It is nice and cool in Tom's poetry, a place for thinning the self and dwelling. Even though the lexis is so rich and dense, it still seems slender somehow; there's a suppleness. Tease threads of your silk(worm).  

Was thinking about what Lisa Robertson says about 'commodiousness' in poetry and what kinds of space there are for the reader here, because I don't think there is much space at all, in the conventional humanly readerly sense. Maybe what I mean by (straw man: Romantic) lyric, which requires something of declarative expansiveness? The density and clutter of specialist language in Body Work makes me feel like a worm, trying to hook my way lusciously into a line: 'espalier's / strains unfinished by the scarp trellis' ('Body Work'), 'rooted to a middle-ground / no more than motion defibrillates'. And I become a parasite on the body of the text, which is a parasite on the body, which is made up of millions of (para)sites. Para ofc meaning side by side, which made me think of Haraway's sympoeisis (making-with) but also, admittedly, Limmy's madeup psychic show, Paraside (lalalol what you were saying about the scrambling parallel universe maybe, is that a lalaLacian Real which necessitates ululation, stammering? Complex remixing musicality of language throughout Body Work as summoning?). Going back to my incidental Slowdive reference earlier, maybe there's a shoegaze thing here, like setting up these 'noise-worlds' which shimmer indiscriminately behind/inside/through the semiotic oscillations of lyric? Is shoegaze a form of sonic gouache? Well it is certainly an ontic form of seduction, where I can't pick out the instruments of expression but I look for them hungrily in the haze. And the idea that transmission between worlds (the living/dead, human/nonhuman) might require a strain of humour (like haha but also meant in the sense of bodily humours?). For instance, shoegaze is decidedly not a humorous genre, but it sort of works on bodily humours, sometimes giving me the bends, or the blurry spaced-out feeling of having one's pleasure receptor's caressed by sound. Was wondering how YOU experienced the space and physicality of the poems -- was there anything u found FUNNY or sufficiently sultry as to produce a long and gorgeous sigh?

Mm and aren't there these tasty, cute moments of wow like 'tropic      glut' ('O--NE') and 'prism arousal' ('Body Work') and 'clamour to emboss' ('Sapling').

Come to think of it, there are quite a lot of trees in Body Work, at the very least between 'Sapling' and 'Copsing', but also resonance in 'Awning', 'Annual' (which mentions 'yield', 'Thicket', 'sky-light muddle' etc) and 'Georgel' (georgics, idk?). Something about sprawl and thread: like the action of branches as arboreal mirror for threads of viruses, threads of code?

Side note: Can a person in a crowd of people experience canopy-shyness? Emily Berry has this lovely poem about crying and canopies and language.

Ways to dwell in inertia, violence, suspense ('Poem for July') as a 'clearing' within the pamphlet? Body Work as a title seems to combine two distinct fields: car repair and alternative medicine (hence mention of plants, cancers and crystals). The question of holistic approach, therapeutics, restoration. The sheen of metal, the sheen of health. O wise one of la letteratura del contemporaneo, pray tell your thoughts on possible Ballardian comparisons? Like obv v. different but I was struck by something to do with the cut-up structures of The Atrocity Exhibition and the way erasure works in Tom's work (probably in a more precise, attentive way, like the specialist's collage of tiny skins and digits, as opposed to grander themes of mediation that explode all over Ballard's work? -- generalising for the sake of interest obv).

Longing for a 'carvery [of] / uncommoning / rave'. Some kind of party you'd give up your skin for (is skin mere synecdoche of identity here?). Maybe the rave is what you were saying about scrambling.

Anyway, I hope your essay is going well. I must go read Hillis Miller's thoughts on Ariadne's thread, maybe make a tea. I've been getting these headaches lately, dawn to dusk & beyond, like the kind you get after being swimming (chlorine headache) or after crying (hormone headache). Pressurisation. I wonder if I have a parasite in my brain? So tonite I will probs lie awake, sleepless, listening for tinnitus :(

With warmth, Maria xxxxxxx

p.s.

Of course, by the time I get to the end of rereading I realise that it's only white marks being revealed underneath because literal holes have appeared in the Body Work cover, like some kind of fungus has been eating away at the book, performing another erasure.

Denise Bonetti <denise.spamzine@gmail.com> Fri, 1 Feb, 12:15  to maria.spamzine Dear Maria, Once again my legendary inability to reply to personal emails within a reasonable 1-month window manifests itself. Invoke my Scorpio moon (?) etc. I love it when people are like 'RIGHT - enough Facebook for me, email me if you want to talk etc', because that sounds like a nightmare to me. Long live IM! Long live the short form! (quite rich coming from someone whose job at the moment, I guess, is to churn out a dissertation?)

But then you know what I was thinking - someone like Clark Coolidge, for example, can get away with long form, intense long form. Not only get away, but own that long form. That long form I'm into. Clark Coolidge drown me in words and I'm fine with it, because he never dilutes, there's never any stagnation, you know what I mean, he just goes and goes and goes and you're like !!? YES!! HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS!? He just never runs out of steam. And I'm thinking of Coolidge because you mentioned crystals as agents in Tom B. (cf. The Crystal Text, how would the crystal speak etc), and of course because both Tom B. and Clark C. are just doing mad things with language, bold things and exciting things... They are like scientists you're friends with but who (maybe) don't like to talk about their work, then one day they decide to let into their basement lab where they've been secretly working on the most complex, organic, project for years, and they're like, don't freak out, here it is:

(Sorry for terrible quality [#postinternet] First is Tom B., second is Clark C.) Body Work looks quite controlled in form, visually speaking, with its vaguely justified lines, BIG symmetrical margins.. even the scattered pages look orderly! Like the bit of 'STRING WORTH' you sent. Which going back to your erasure thing, it makes me feel like Tom B. is giving us an OXO cube of his writing, all concentrated and delicious. But then my response is - show us more!!! Which rarely happens because I am scared of long form. And email. And dissertations. I also LOVE what you said about how Body Work combines car repair and alternative medicine!! That is absolutely spot on. Like the material, pragmatic tinkering motions of his writing, the referral to structures and the intention of like, see how far we can bend them and push them, but then it is never as dry as that! Very sweet motor oil. It's very kind poetry... generous! (A word that my friend Phoebe used to describe a certain type of poetry at a party last week and I thought, very interesting). Linguistically generous because it offers so many networks of reading, but then also.. approachable? As approachable as experimental poetry of this kind can be. I'm sure like, DANIEL would not think this is approachable lol (#COYBIG #romance). Which, fair enough. But if you're a nerd for this kind of poetry, then yeah. Like this bit from 'ANNUAL'??

*Cries!!! This is like you said, healing!! I feel looked after! 'Stomach prefers sound to day-to-day camphor'!!! Honestly what is this! So touching, so simple! 

(Btw, I started experimenting with aromatherapy in my tiny room lol, do you know how to stop the water from boiling in the oil burner??) 

Thanks for sending such interesting ideas over, I have to shoot to a seminar ! PPS: I saw Steven Connor in the English library yesterday (Oliver pointed at him silently like !!!!!!!!!!) so I kind of followed him to see what his approach to book browsing is.. very natural-looking and orderly? Surprised. Love the guy. *bubble sounds*

Lots of love Maria  ‘let’s see where the spirits take us’ ur the best 

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Maria Sledmere <maria.spamzine@gmail.com> 6 Feb 2019, 23:19  to denise.spamzine Dear Denise,

Makes so much sense to map your message sensibilities onto your taste in poetry! I am so torn between the percolated richness of the email, its classic deferral (omg hun I owe you a million emails!) through a sort of quantum dimension of procrastination, and in opposition the sugar rush nowness of IM. I am such a frantic typist that often I send the wrong messages or cross my wires or just gush too much, so email is probably a safe option for me. There is all too much blue in my Messenger windows...Temptation of x's and endless emojis. But such a beauty to IM and texts out of context, like I wonder how many people read your probs too late 4 a snog now :'((( as micro-fictions, versus poems. I have a whole folder of screenshots on my computer from things that happened on Facebook that I have no memory of. Something about the Romantic fragment, accumulating ruin. 

(btw) I feel like these extracts also shed light upon Body Work somehow. Biodegradables versus hard minerals and synthetic matter. Inner/outer. Flush. Tbh I think the middle one was from you?

Yes the dissertation, the dissertation as labour; it's like you have to find your scaffold first. Sometimes I feel like the scaffold in that wonderful Sophie Collins poem, 'Healers', and I write and don't notice myself and suddenly I'm so there, but the scaffold is secretly taking her bolt pins out the more I write around her. You can only be so respectful to your scaffold when she's so in the way. Gemini problems?Duality; structure/content. What is it Tom McCarthy says: 'structure is content, geometry is everything'. I want to be a wee fractal in a sequence of massive refraction. Is that how it works? Back to scaffolds, maybe we need to find the kindest mode of dismantling, and that's when you work into a form or something. And then also the more organic structures! So for CC it's the whole crystal thing, and working out of crystal logic. And then you just go and go and it's wonderful, much extravagant fractality, almost like poetry as virus, replicate replicate, grow, change. Mm, it's so good. My friend Kirsty did this mad poem about a tree, I couldn't tell if it was a story or poem, it was just branching out in a way that seemed hungry, necessary, spreading its roots. She said she wrote it in a rush! As if trees could rush! I like to think she inhabited a concentrated moment of becoming-tree, like she was a myriad in the roots or leaves. I don't think it could have happened without the tree, you know? But also the tree was almost entirely absent, it was like a ghost of form. Maybe I forgot how it goes. The lines looked like branches or something. Can you have long-form concrete? Concrete I guess by necessity is long-form. It takes a lot of energy to make. People are building houses out of mycelium instead, which is rad. Talking of roots and that, I just wrote 26k words on ecopoetics & t h r e a d s over the past fortnight and it was kind of that process, like letting a sort of tapestry take hold and I was maybe just one more thread, I was hardly doing the weaving, everything was moving around me and I wanted to wriggle into more and more gaps. Becoming-thread, perhaps. The next step is to slack and cut, which is exciting. Where to even start? 

Your description of the complex, organic project is so gorgeous. Poems slow-cooked in a lab with tender organic care. My two scientist PhD pals are always gramming these beautiful pictures of crystals they're growing or mad wave patterns on screens. And we go for lunch and I'm like what you doing this afternoon and they're like, Oh just shooting photons. And is that much different from spending your afternoon writing poems? (Yes, they'd groan). I'm just chasing bits of light. Reading Tom B's work it's this whole precision thing, the actual inhabitation of process as such, so you see the energy buzz between things. I don't mean to say simply this is atomic poetry or poetry as tool analysis. It's more a betweening. 

Isn't it super difficult to write non-anthropocentrically and really inhabit micro-relationality and also sound interesting and sexy in the way Claire Colebrook (she has that great essay in Tom Cohen's Telemorphosis) describes as 'sexual indifference', i.e. that threat to heteronormative reproduction that 'has always been warded off precisely because it opens the human organism to mutation, production, lines of descent and annihilation beyond that of its own intentionality'? Well anyway Body Work really works this way for me, it's like a poetics of sexual indifference that is nevertheless charged with desire you can't really predict, it's something in the frisson between objects and lines and coils of form. I think of crystal charge, iPhone battery (mine's always dying, Gemini trait 100%), engines. Neat miniaturisations of entropy, surge, spike and flux. When the 'I' comes in I'm like hey, what flow are you? It's actually so satisfying to quote these poems as fragments btw, they can do so much on their own as much as in poems and pamphlets, I wonder if that goes back to the accessibility thing. Like the absolute charm of a line as auto-affection: 

This bit is from 'Temper' and I go back to my point about the flush/fluster! Globe of air/your *bubble sounds*. Isn't everything held so neatly, and yet it never feels neat, it just feels sharp and sparking, this 'technical glossy finish' like a really nice car, the body paint of a poem, its prosody so tightly held it feels more surface, a selection of hues and textures. And the erotics of the text or at the very least its pleasure is the shift between bodies, synecdoche, yes you could say bodies without organs but things in themselves are also important. Maybe another poet who does this is Sylvia Legris, she writes these apparently impersonal poems filled to the seams with specialist lexis (you have to have like twelve tabs open per poem to get it), but there's an affirmative humour and energy that feels v much a personal sensibility, a deliberated skewing of world that splices the poet's agency among items, artefacts, language. I mean how nice are these poemsshe published in Granta. I feel like I want cutlery to read them with, if that makes sense. Maybe a scalpel, for the succulence. The appearance of an ear again! 

And then the beautiful metallurgy of this line from Tom, like somebody pierced my ears with perfect silver and it let all the demons out: 

I am worried about what a certain seizure would look like. When we talk about vitality is it a willing naivety towards matter qua matter, as if we could just step out of correlationism? Such thoughts for 11pm of a Wednesday night. I can't help but think of the body image that Elizabeth Grosz describes in Volatile Bodies, kind of riffing off Paul Schilder: 'What psychoanalytic theory makes clear is that the body is literally written on, inscribed, by desire and signification, at the anatomical, physiological, and neurological levels'. And yeah, cool, what about the nonhuman body also? Has anyone done a really good psychoanalysis of the object. Parsed its psychic striations (traumatic or pleasurable residues of every microbial, huh?). In fact, what about the psychodynamic model of actual icebergs? Time we started literalising the matter of metaphors, absenting 'real cultural / medium' and filling with meltwater, fire and flow. Maybe it comes down to a bead of ink, the 'intimate concentrate' which is Lucozade, hangover piss, sick pH levels. So yeah, Body Work for me is this totally seductiveintersubjective space which actually works out pretty visceral states, sometimes disembodying me into a more fractal, mineral or bacterial being. I could start talking Kathryn Yusoff and geomorphism too, but maybe enough strata for one email? Plus I'm mixing my metaphors, I'm sure, mostly because I'm still morphing, dissolving inside those lines. I think I ate too many OXO cubes.

As for your oil burner boiling, sounds like you have an overactive candle? Maybe try a cooler tealight, nestle it to the back a little to redirect the strength of the flame? I like rosemary oil for remembrance, cranberry for comfort, ginger for energy. That line about resin is so nice. I was in Crianlarich at the weekend and my friend Patrick found this massive log and he carried it for so long that you could smell the resin on his skin, it was amazing. I keep thinking about the word 'pitch' and lush tree-ness, and the Log Lady in Twin Peaks and poetry you can chew like new molasses, prior to melt. Is that how it works?

Somebody is smashing glass into a bin in my garden and probably I should just close the pamphlet...

...but it's like a delicious pdf that gives infinities...

Yours in multiples & cherryish flusters,

Maria xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxox

[thebachelordiaries]

Freakin’ Hometowns: ‘The Bachelorette’ Ep. 8 Recap

I started writing this hometown recap about a week ago (or maybe two weeks ago; time is irrelevant anyway) and I just felt like I wasn’t writing anything entertaining, so I stopped.

However, some recent incidents in my life have re-ignited my self-deprecating humor, and I am once again ready to transfer that into this blog.

With that said, I truly enjoyed each hometown visit. We went to freakin’ Buffalo (as Jason would say), somewhere in California, and two random places in Colorado. So let’s review what happened:

Garrett’s Hometown

Isn’t there a psychological study out there that explains why individuals look for mates that remind them of their parents? I definitley have friends who mirror their parents’ relationships, including myself, because like, what relationship, you know? Zing.

Becca likes Garrett because he reminds her of her dad. With that said, I feel like this unconscious decision of wanting to marry her dad could backfire on her. But most marriages end in divorce anyway. That, along with the intense pressures of being in the public eye, make the chances of her relationship “backfiring” already pretty high.

So we arrive in the countryside of California and learn that Garrett's family is in the farming business. Becca and Garrett ride a tractor and do all that weird farm stuff that. Sorry Garrett and Becca, but Chris Soules and Andi Dorfman had the best tractor ride scene of all time.

Becca and Garrett talked some more about his ex-wife. And for good measure, we met Garrett’s family, who then also talked about his ex-wife. The only thing left is for Garrett’s ex-wife to arrive and talk about herself. Gotta hear both sides, you know?

Colton’s Hometown

I’m going to be honest here, I don’t remember the order these hometown dates happened. So I’m talking about Colton next.

My favorite part of Colton’s hometown date was seeing the relationship between his parents. First of all, his parents look extremely young and their house is one of the nicest homes to be featured on this franchise. My mom was actually complaining that we didn’t get to see more of their home. LOL.

“My mom and I have a best friend relationship and my dad and I are more like coach/player.” -Colton

Colton’s dad coach didn’t hold back and said the below regarding his son’s lack of experience:

Then Colton proceeded to talk to his mom about being a virgin and I truly wanted to die of embarrassment for him, and for myself because I was watching this episode with my mom.

Picture this: a giant NFL player who acts like a child and always asks for his “mommy” Yup, you got it. It’s Colton. 

It’s no secret that I don’t like Colton for Becca, and I’m kind of annoyed about all this virgin talk. However, this episode ALMOST made me like Colton because of his nice house and family dynamic. He had a big family and is so close with his younger cousin that he started a Cystic Fibrosis foundation in her honor. I mean, this guy is the definition of on-paper “Bachelor Material.” And yet somehow I still don’t see it happening for him.

Blake’s Hometown

Blake is a mountain man, or at least he grew up in the mountains. He must have strong lungs from living at altitude. *Mentally adds “strong lungs” to my “Why Becca Should Pick Blake” list*

I guess another consequence of living in the middle of nowhere is having nothing to show Becca for his hometown date. We went to his high school and I honestly zoned out until Blake talked about surviving a school shooting. Apparently a gunman came to the school and killed one person his junior or senior year of high school. After that story, I suppose I understood why we went there. Then Blake (production) surprised Becca with her favorite singer, Betty Who, who has the perfect name because I don’t know WHO the heck she is.

My mom went on a three-minute rant yesterday on why Blake has the best smile. I semi-agree.

I don’t remember Blake’s family being very noteworthy besides the fact they reaffirmed that Blake takes breakups very hard. Is this foreshadowing? Idk.

Jason’s Hometown

We finally arrived in freakin’ Buffalo and Jason’s enthusiasm was off the charts. I truly don’t know if anyone loves Buffalo more than him.

Jason’s hometown date was by far the most fun. They ate Buffalo wings, played hockey, made out on a Zamboni and arrived at his parents’ house looking like a young rich couple coming home for Thanksgiving.

We met Jason’s family, who was also my favorite. I just felt like I wanted his mom to be my mother-in-law. Is that weird? Plus, Jason’s brother follows me on Twitter, so maybe I’m biased.

Mother’s intuition: Jason’s mom didn’t believe Becca had strong feelings for Jason. Jason thinks otherwise. Hmm....

Jason’s is also happily married to another man, which isn’t seen much on this straight-laced show. They gave Jason advice and were basically like, “tell her how you feel, you moron.” And he did just that with the most genuine “I love you” I have seen on this show. Ugh, why is everything about Jason so pure? From the way he pronounces “confident,” to the way he refuses to curse. He freakin’ rocks.

And to top it all off, Jason is a LBGTQ ally. This tweet makes me emotional. 

Meeting With The Girls

Becca’s “Girl Squad” from Arie’s season consists of Bekah M., Seinne, Caroline and Tia. They’re all supposed to be supportive BFFs, or whatever, but the truth is they’re not. Bekah M. talks sh*t on everyone and Tia is always secretly plotting how to get more attention.

And for her next trick, Tia pulled Becca aside to tell her she still has feeling for Colton. Considering she failed to tell Becca this information week two, I feel like her feelings don’t matter. This is the final four. What a selfish thing to do. More of my thoughts on the “Tia has feelings for Colton” reveal can be found on this Twitter thread/rant.

Rose Ceremony

Whether Tia had any influence on this decision or not, Colton got sent home.

Pros: At least we don’t have to listen to more “OMG Colton’s a Virgin” talk next episode. 

Cons: We will most definitley hear about Colton being a virgin on the Men Tell All episode and on all of Bachelor In Paradise.

I guess I’ll take what I can get.

[jinlian]

i’ve always sorta wondered, but what did sayokubo hope to achieve with yurio’s narrative arc? like, i wanna believe that they were going somewhere with it but ran out of time but at the same time im just sorta?? i want to like all the characters in yoi but like idk the storytelling and characterization just fell flat.

this is a question i can’t really answer, though i’m inclined to agree with you that they had an idea, just totally missed on the follow-through due to time constraints or some other reason. i’ll give them the benefit of a doubt, because the storytelling — up until the last two episodes, and even pieces within those episodes — is otherwise quite solid. but they definitely dropped the ball on this one.

the problem, in my opinion, is that they got too stuck on the story they had decided to tell rather than the one they were telling. they have said that they planned to have yuuri come in second from the start, and i believe that, because it genuinely is the only thing that makes sense to me when the rest of the narrative develops to point to a very different outcome. the romance was unplanned and developed during the production process, so i have no trouble seeing how the story could have evolved along the way in a way that didn’t quite match up with their initial plans.

the results of the grand prix final did no one any favors, yurio absolutely included, and it left me, as a viewer, extremely unsatisfied with the storytelling. sayokubo said they thought yuuri winning would be too predictable so they decided from the beginning to have him place second, but there are a few problems with the way they executed this

first of all, they’re actually pretty incorrect when they say sports anime protags just win predictably all the time. i’d say the opposite: more often than not i’d definitely say i’ve seen the protagonist lose at the big final game for a ~character development~ moment. this is fine when that’s what the story needs, but that isn’t want yuuri’s story needed even if it were not a common, predictable outcome.

here’s the thing: predictable writing is not necessarily bad writing. in fact, sometimes it’s extremely good writing when it’s “predictable” because the narrative threads have pointed in a certain direction. and it’s very satisfying as a viewer to see when a very relatable gay mentally ill protagonist overcomes his own self doubts and fears and recognizes his own capabilities and finally, finally achieves the dream he’s always had through being supported and encouraged in a mutually beneficial relationship.

it’s really, really important to note that “learning that people will love him if he wins or loses” is absolutely not a lesson that yuuri needed to learn. in fact, yuuri makes that clear as early as episode four, when he explicitly says on the beach that his friends and family have always supported him no matter what. that’s not the point, that isn’t what he needed. yuuri needed someone to push him, to give him something other than lukewarm “we’ll love you no matter what” sentiments that he already knows are true, and victor gives that. it then takes yuuri nine episodes to say aloud that he has always competed with the thought that he wants and plans to win. nine episodes. nine episodes. nine episodes while he’s in the middle of competing through an anxiety attack and pushing himself to do exactly what he needs to do to qualify for the grand prix final.

yuuri never needed to learn how to lose. he’s spent his entire senior career on the international circuit learning how to lose. yuuri needed to learn how to win.

people have this idea that if yuuri had won, he would have retired. that’s of course what yuuri was saying he was going to do, but that’s definitely not what the narrative was telling us. yuuri is talking throughout the entire season about how much he loves skating, how he wants to compete at victor’s side, you have junior skaters telling yuuri how much they look forward to competing against him on the senior circuit, and yuuri decides to keep competing while he’s watching yurio, before they know the results of the competition. the whole point is supposed to be about yuuri’s love for skating, how much yuuri has left to give to the sport, and it would have been ridiculously easy to have him win and go wow, i’ve only just started achieving my full potential, i love skating and i want to keep going especially if victor is coming back. this just kinda makes it look even more like yuuri only wants to keep skating to get a win and then he can quit. it isn’t satisfying. at all.

the problem is partly that yuuri’s unreliable narration led a lot of people to believe that he just isn’t a very talented skater, which is so far from the truth and completely ridiculous given the very obvious canon evidence, but somehow despite breaking a world record people still believe this because he placed second at the grand prix final. that’s definitely on the audience, but it’s also on the writing.

victor wasn’t the prize. he was never meant to be, the story was always supposed to be about yuuri.

and before another anon tries to get smarmy with me, i’ve been aware since the final episode that the results of the gpf are arguably a fix-it fic for tatsuki machida, who came in second at worlds by the slimmest of margins to relative newcomer yuzuru hanyu, bombed his grand prix final the following season, and announced his shocking and unexpected retirement at japanese nationals where he came fourth. it gave me some comfort for a little while, but after thinking more and more about it, i just kind of don’t care. an homage to tatsuki, as appreciated as it is, doesn’t override the unsatisfying narrative conclusion in the fictional story told in yuri on ice.

AND NOW ACTUALLY ONTO YOUR POINT ABOUT YURIO –

if anyone needed to “learn how to lose” it was yurio, and he absolutely did not experience that storyline in his grand prix losses to jj. he sort of starts it when he loses onsen on ice, and there’s a glimmer of development in episode 9, but it’s all just tossed out the window.

yurio starts off the season saying things like “i won, so what does it matter?” when victor tries to give him advice to improve. he’s willing to practice harder in the interest of winning, which is cool (but it’s not like any other skater in the show isn’t practicing hard??? yuuri literally goes to practice to work off his own anxiety, he practices so much), but instead of like actively acknowledging that other people are good skaters who maybe deserve to win, too, he just keeps... focusing on himself. he calls yuuri a farm animal to his fiancé’s face, says he’s good for nothing, shoves his feet in the face of a fellow athlete who’s clearly just had an anxiety attack in public, mocks another one who’s also just had a public breakdown, and the whole thing with his hidden admiration for yuuri doesn’t even work when you consider that he doesn’t want yuuri to keep competing for yuuri’s sake — he wants it so that he can beat yuuri.

???

yurio’s agape arc just doesn’t work, either, he skates like maybe once thinking “oh people are nice to me” but he doesn’t reciprocate that off the ice. it doesn’t work. it’s unconvincing. the story also drops the narrative threads of yuuri’s stamina vs. yurio’s, where they keep talking about how yurio doesn’t have as much stamina etc etc and yurio already pushes himself to his breaking point in ep9 — imo it would have been way more interesting to examine yurio trying to push himself even further and having to learn his limits and learn he still has a long way to grow. there’s no indication that he has learned any of this. he just gets justified for his shitty behavior and his “winning is everything” attitude and it’s. obnoxious. we don’t see any development of the agape storyline off the ice, and i’m fairly unconvinced we saw it on the ice too, but that’s a different story.

this is then only solidified in the welcome to the madness manga where yurio cannot handle victor and yuuri having attention for literally five minutes, even though yurio has just won the grand prix final, and pulls “no i have to surprise the audience more”

so like, i get that he’s fifteen and fifteen year olds can be shitty but he’s also a fictional character and from a storytelling perspective there’s just nothing satisfying about this and nothing that in any way actually lends itself to yurio’s growth. they threw in otabek to get yurio to cheer for another skater, but yurio still beats otabek and is still shitty towards yuuri. a really interesting way to get yurio to confront his agape and get some actual growth would be to have otabek beat him, and i hope we see that in upcoming content.

i think it was supposed to be something about yurio seeing that other people are good, too, but it’s not done well. it focuses too much on yuuri with not enough respect given to either character and doesn’t develop yurio’s attitude wrt skating or other skaters in general, which he needed. again, i don’t believe that otabek counts here. “oh good, another score higher than the pig’s.” it also arguably had to do with yurio seeing he has room to grow; again, in my opinion, not done well. yurio needed something more than just being annoyed that he didn’t win by enough.

like the narrative arc literally accomplishes nothing. he finishes the series just as stuck on “winning is everything” as he was when he started. there’s no understanding of why yurio even enjoys skating beyond that he’s good at it and wins a lot. i’m not invested.

anyway VERY LONG STORY SHORT i totally agree that it just didn’t work and did no one any favors. yurio got justified for his shitty attitude with “as long as i win it’s fine and also i just want to beat everyone else so people know how great i am” (like i truly don’t care if yurio is just mad that he lost the free skate so he feels “unsatisfied” with winning at the gpf, i truly don’t) and yuuri got screwed over in the narrative process for a lesson he never needed to learn in the first place so that sayokubo could avoid “predictable” writing. they’re better writers than this. it’s disappointing.

all of this is without the bullshit scoring at the grand prix final but kdhjfgsdj it’s fine IT’S FINE. as long as the movie and/or possible season 2 is done well, i’ll get over it.