#it also does a great job of explaining the more outlandish parts of the story - for example the fate of the wicked stepsisters

[thegeekyartist]

I'm tipsy and watching the 2011 Into the Woods and I'm having Thoughts™. Truly the best version.

Changing the narrator from the Bakers dad to a CHILD?? A kid who ran away from home?? Acting out and directing the whole thing with his toys?? I'm insane thinking about it.

A small boy, scared and alone in the woods, telling himself the story of an entire village of people scared and alone in the woods...The witch's lament about keeping children home and protected hits even harder when told through the lens of a child who ran away, who probably heard all the same words from his parents. "Stay a child while you can be a child."

AND THEN! The story starts to fall apart the longer our narrator stays away from home (Act 2). He realizes that running away doesn't solve anything. A main theme of Into the Woods is what you think you know vs. what the world teaches you. This boy is learning things he wasn't ready for, things his parents were probably trying to protect him from. Even early on, we see him standing close to the Bakers Wife when she says "maybe we should go home".

And he tries to escape the consequences! He wants out of the narrative - "I tell the story, I'm not part of it!" - and is forced into it by the witch anyway, immediately leading into (part of) her song, "no matter what you do, children won't listen".

And then we don't see the child again until he wakes in the woods!! And (spoilers) we see that the Baker - the one struggling with his role as a father for the whole play - is actually the NARRATOR'S father, who is just as distressed as his son and has (presumably) spent the entirety of the play looking for him.

We see a lost and scared little boy trying to make sense of the world and the relationship he has with his father, and a father who feels like he cant be the person his child needs, reconciling at the end and telling the story together.

It is a PERFECT change and I love it so much.

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

I’m guessing all Vmins were right Sweet night is about the past. I guess it’s why Tae give it for the movie instead of for his mixtape. I’m guessing JM gave him the ok to do so and why he’s been silent about it cause it’s over between them. TK are making it too obvious. jk treating JM like they aren’t friends suddenly. jk in purple/green all the time. v not shutting up about jk suddenly. JM is not handling it well. I guess it’s why v said he likes JM the most (guess as friend) cause he feels bad

Admin 1: “Sure, go and release a song easily identified as being about us and your hope of me giving you a second chance with a hopeful ending seeing as we aren’t together anymore, sounds like a nice idea to me. Go, Taehyungie, do it. Then also let me hold your hand on national TV and show it to the cameras happily, smile sweetly at you while we stand next to the president, talk about our song and memories and how much they mean to me, perform this song that's essentially a love letter to our bond in a live-streamed concert for almost 800k people, and when you tell me you like me the most, I’ll say I like you a lot as well. Because we’re over and not even friends anymore.” Sounds like some sound logic to me, and I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible to humans.

Honestly, either I’ve just been around too long and all these asks are starting to sound the same and impossibly uncreative, or they are just getting more farfetched and bizarre. If you want a proper answer, I told you, bring something to the table that hasn’t been talked to dust yet, or leave it be.

To quote Tae, the man who knows best what he feels: 95z is love.

Until he (and Jimin) changes his mind, this is the answer I have for any and all Xkooker ask, as well as any other ship involving Tae or Jimin.

Also yes, I did see the hate against Jimin that exploded yesterday, we even have an ask about it in our inbox, and honestly these types of questions, anon? Yeah, you're not helping, in fact, you are part of the problem, just saying.

Admin 2: Man, man, man!

We didn't really want to answer these types of questions anymore, but this ask takes the trophy when it comes to delulu/nonsensical questions, so I decided to answer it after all. Because it’s hot and I need a distraction.

Also, this question basically confirms most of our suspicions we’ve had so far. Let me explain.

Folks, who is behind these kinds of stories which are being presented and preached as truth on various sns?

I don't believe this is any single persons invention (in this case, that anon came up with this idea “without help”), if anything it’s the result of delulu, and often times toxic, scenarios and stories created by a group of people intended to further a narrative and actively disrupt the “peace” within ARMY (or at least that’s what it feels like since all these things do is ignite hate and toxicity). Where is the origin of it all? Ship centric YouTube channels.

It is very evident that these "imaginative creators/shippers" behind those videos have no consideration of the consequences and harm their content does because, in my opinion, the more controversial and clickbait-y, the better. You know why? More views means more money, which is the goal of it all. We’ve spoken about this before, I believe, how these videos on “ship evidence” and “ship drama” for Xkookers are the most beloved topics of these videos and thus make up one of the easiest means of generating income, in some cases even something upward of $80k a year depending on the channels CPM, sub and view count.

The average person has to work hard all year round to make this amount of money, if they even have a job that brings in that much. So, it is not surprising that these content creators go very far in their fantasies to support their claims and keep their viewers/costumers engaged and coming back.

I wouldn't be surprised if the creators (or rather the whole lot of them) of both Xkook camps are basically the same people, because their ideas, conclusions and explanations all sound the same and follow the same nonsensical patters. Which is why we’ve already told you many times that the best thing you can do is stay away from this type of content altogether.

So! Let's analyze this ask a little more:

"…Vmins were right Sweet Night is about the past. I guess it’s why Tae give it for the movie instead of for his mixtape."

Ok, let's say Tae wrote "Sweet Night" for Jimin, but in the meantime he has changed his feelings (that's how I understand the question) so he gave the song to the Itaewon Class OST instead of putting it on his mixtape. I wanted to note that Taehyung's mixtape isn't finished yet and we will probably wait many more months for it.

It seems to me that Taehyung really wanted to show his feelings to the world, so he saw an opportunity with the OST, and therefore a quicker release for SN, and took it. The fact is that SN is about the past, but there is also hope for the future, hope for the fulfillment of wishes, which likely did come true judging by how Tae said he wrote SN during tour abroad (so sometimes summer/early autumn 2019 perhaps) and we saw vmin holding hands at the airport on Tae’s birthday in 2019 when they thought no one would see, just three months before SN was released (and likely long schedules for said release since these types of things don’t just happen overnight) and many, many other such things.

“I suspect that JM gave him his consent and why he kept silent about it because it was over between them, TK makes it too obvious. "

And I suspect that Jimin was very touched by Sweet Night and ultimately wrote Friends in which him and Tae sing: “Many promises and memories / and more to come / Someday, when these cheers die down, stay hey / You are my soulmate”

The fact is that BTS didn't say much about SN, but it was the same with many of their other SC releases as well, so it wasn’t unusual, especially since SN came out while they were promoting MOTS7. Also, in my opinion, the content of this song is too personal to be able to describe/discuss the song in detail beyond the bit that was mentioned during Tae’s vlive with Namjoon. During a Japanese interview, the members basically confirmed/pointed out how romantic Tae is and when SN came up, Namjoon “coincidentally” turned around toward Jimin who has a similar facial expression of pressed lips as he did during Let’s BTS.

"JK treats JM as if they suddenly weren't friends"

And here I have caught you, dear anon. I think you're not even looking at the original BH content, but that instead you are basing your conclusions and opinions on manipulative YT ship videos instead because if you would’ve watched the original content like RUN, the recent SOWOOZOO concerts, and interviews, you wouldn’t arrive anywhere near such thoughts and conclusions.

Jimin and JK are still close, also Jimin calls JK his little brother (dongsaeng) and JK describes Jimin (or associates these words with him) as charm and cute. Does there seem to be any kind of conflict between Jimin and Jungkook? Certainly not, no.

„JK always in purple / green. v not shutting up about jk suddenly."

You mean their microphone colors? I wanted to point out how Tae wore a yellow shirt during the concert, which is the same color as the chick emoji ARMY associates with Jimin as well as his mic color. LOL.

As far as I know, when Tae has something to say, he will say it, and if he is praising JKs songs, and especially You Eyes Tell which we know is a song Tae liked a lot, that is a good thing. It simply means Tae appreciates the song JK created, appreciates and values his talents and hard work. If the entire band praises Namjoon and his lyrics/contributions on their songs, does that automatically also mean all six are “not shutting up about him” and therefore must be in love and in a relationship with him, or it’s an indicator of it? If anything, it’s merely an indicator that Tae is an honest person and JK did a good job on those songs. Easy as that.

That's my favorite part of the question: "JM doesn't handle it that well. I think that's why I said he likes JM best (as a friend, I guess) because he feels bad."

Personally, I consider myself a person with a great imagination, but I wouldn't really come up with a scenario like that.

How cruel of a person do you think Tae is? Imagine they aren’t together anymore or close anymore, or whatever else you tried to insinuate anon, and then Tae would go on national TV and do this whole thing of asking for the card in his letter to Jimin to be blurred and then said “Jimin-ah I like you the most”? To do something as hurtful as that you either have to be a sadist or an asshole and I’d like to believe even you, anon, don’t think in such a way about Tae, of all people.

Perhaps that’s something dumb teenagers or kids would do, but not adult men in their mid-twenties who see each other every single day, are part of the same team and have to work with each other. This is real life, not a soap opera. If these types of dramas really would be happening within BTS, they would’ve stopped existing as a band a long time ago because no one would be able to live with such actions and people for a prolonged amount of time. BTS are grown men, best friends, even found family, and not actors on a badly written TV show for our entertainment where they act out increasingly stupid relationship drama in which JK somehow ended up being the toy going from hand to hand like he’s not even an actual person anymore.

In summary, this question was written by a child, teenager, or an emotionally immature person naïve enough to buy into outlandish ship narratives.

Anon, hear what the members had to say during FESTA 2021. Make your own conclusions and stop watching and believing the nonsense on YouTube. As Tae said: Get out of your imagination. It’s not good in there.

[benjiwyatt]

do you have any ben/leslie headcanons! i love your posts abt them so much it's great to see someone get as emotional abt them as i am asjdkajhjd

i got this message and i was like "god, i dont really know if i have any headcanons" and then i opened my notes app and started typing and didn't stop for over an hour

i'm literally putting this under a break and organizing it into categories bc it's absurdly long

here it is

A COLLECTION OF BEN AND LESLIE HEADCANONS

PRE-RELATIONSHIP/S3

basically canon but leslie definitely had a crush on a young benji wyatt and followed the story religiously for the first couple months before she started college

ben is only slightly jealous leslie had ann go out with chris to try and get more money for the parks budget rather than leslie asking him out with the same goal. he knows it’s insane, unethical, and illogical but he’s still excited that he gets to spend the night with her on a date plus two other people even if it is to accuse her of bribery.

ann realizes early on that leslie was attracted to ben and teases her mercilessly about it. she thinks it’s absolutely hilarious that leslie wants to make out with "mean ben.” after april and andy’s wedding, she realizes it's more than just attraction and she lays off.

before ben can even think rationally about what he’s doing, he’s in line at bed, bath, and beyond with a crock pot in his arms, calling stephanie to ask her to send him their family’s chicken soup recipe

ann knew ben liked her from the beginning and was totally positive when she ran into him in the hospital asking for leslie’s room number while holding jj’s waffles and a tub of homemade soup.

ben realizes he’s falling in love with leslie when he is at city hall with her until 3am one night trying to budget for the amount of cotton candy machines she wants for the harvest festival. in his exhaustion, he naively believes her when she tells him she’ll go home in a bit so he leaves. he never gets a text from saying she made it home so he stops at jj’s the next morning and brings a takeout container of waffles and a coffee complete with an outlandish amount of whipped cream and sugar to the parks department. he finds her asleep in the conference room. he starts trying to convince sweetums to donate more cotton candy machines that afternoon.

chris had to have known ben liked leslie. he’s not an idiot. in the deleted scene from their wedding, they read out emails from their “tumultuous first week in pawnee” and chris writes to ben saying, “why are you so focused on leslie knope?” ben replies saying, “i’m not. whatever. shut up.” there’s no way chris is this oblivious. ben takes her out for a beer. ben pays out of pocket for a children’s performer to help her out. ben shows up on chris and ann’s date just because he thinks leslie might be there. chris can’t be this dumb. but when they take the city manager jobs in pawnee, he knows it can’t happen so he cuts ben off when he starts to ask about dating someone in city hall. he cracks down on the rule in front of leslie after the tom incident to hammer it in. he starts setting ben up on a bunch of dates to try and head it off. he sends them to indianapolis for the little league pitch because, realistically, he knows they’re the best bet for success but makes sure to interrupt their dinner and invites them to his apartment to continue to run interference the rest of the night. after their fights in 4.06-4.08, he hopes he won’t have to worry anymore. the next work day, they come into his office looking nervous and happy and he knows he’s about to lose the partner and best friend that’s been by his side for the past decade.

april and andy knew they were secretly dating. it went unspoken aside from a few implicit teasing remarks from april and a few suggestive attempted high fives from andy but leslie assured ben they wouldn’t tell anyone despite their ostensible behavior.

BREAK UP

ben had commissioned the li’l sebastian plush for leslie after he had died but the toy shop didn’t finish it until after they broke up. he felt bad not going to pick it up so he did despite not being able to give it to her. he kept it for all those months and sometimes thought about getting rid of it but could never bring himself to do it.

when leslie made personalized copies her books for her friends with individualized annotations and notes in the bylines, she had two copies for ben. there was one that she gave him during their breakup that was very simplified and watered down where the note basically just said “i’m really glad you decided to stay in pawnee.” then there was a second copy that she kept while they were split up that was totally covered in notes and random thoughts she couldn’t say during their time apart. she gives him that copy when they get back together and it may or may not be the best gift he’s ever received.

april was much less abrasive with them during the break up because she’s a sweetheart and wants her friends to be happy.

the first time leslie admitted she was in love with him was during a long night of drinking and crying at ann’s house

ben craved the taste of sugar during their breakup because he got used to tasting the sweetness when he kissed her

ben found himself unable to sleep at night without the sound of leslie talking in her sleep to comfort him

april texted leslie the night of the halloween party to let her know that ben and andy were at the hospital after a fight and everything was fine and she didn’t need to worry. leslie was mad at andy for a few days after and he couldn’t figure out why.

the only photo in ben’s bedroom was of himself, leslie, and li’l sebastian at the harvest festival. if he got caught staring at it and crying, he would just say he missed li’l sebastian so much.

april and andy started having star wars and star trek movie nights to try and cheer ben up

DOMESTIC

ben and leslie got in the habit of having weekly game nights with april and andy during the campaign since they were all basically living together. it became a tradition that kept going as often as they could make it happen, even after the kids were born. they try to have game night at least once a month. april pretends to hate it.

one of my absolute favorite ideas about them is that she sleeps much better when he’s around to keep her grounded. after they get together for good, she starts getting closer to 5 hours of sleep a night.

another favorite involving leslie’s sleeping: ben is typically accustomed to tuning out incoherent nonsense that she babbles in her sleep but she also has some of her best ideas when she’s not busy trying to focus on a million different things. when he hears her coming up with legitimately good ideas or making speeches or having solid debate arguments, he takes out the notebook he keeps in his nightstand to record her thoughts and quotes. he revisits and revises the notes to strengthen her statements and make them more professional and less rambling but makes sure to keep her distinct voice apparent in them.

ben prefers pancakes to waffles but he will go to the grave with that secret

this isn’t a headcanon because nbc posted it but one of ben’s holidays on leslie’s calendar is watch synchronization day which is the day they celebrate syncing their watches to, as leslie puts it, “always be in harmony, like our hearts” which is just one of the sweetest fucking things in the world

leslie makes ben read and watch all the harry potters because he didn’t get into them when he first tried. ben is much more of a success than ann. she buys him a ravenclaw scarf for christmas.

their first fight as a couple was a historical debate gone awry

since ben clearly has some affinity for custom stuffed animals, he has some made for the triplets.

they’re both dog people but they adopt a cat because sonia and stephen beg for one and it does fit their busy lifestyle much better. they love the cat. they get a dog when the kids are older and life is slightly less hectic.

they both love striped shirts and sweaters so much that they have to make a conscious effort to avoid wearing them on the same day and matching

leslie makes sweets and bakes desserts while ben typically handles cooking the actual meals

BASED ON EPISODES, QUOTES, AND THROWAWAY LINES

i always loved the ann/ben dynamic in bus tour because there’s been such an obvious shift in ann’s attitude towards him in this episode. maybe it’s because she and tom just broke up and she just turned chris down again and she’s frustrated with relationships but i think it’s her realizing ben isn’t going anywhere. since the campaign is winding down, she realizes that things aren’t gonna go back to the way they were because ben is now part of this and he’s clearly in it for the long haul. ann’s definitely jealous that ben is just as important to leslie as she is and she now knows she’s never gonna get that full attention back. ann sits ben down to have a real “don’t you dare hurt her” speech after this ep and before win, lose, or draw. this is when he tells ann he wants to marry her.

they discover they both adore the princess bride after ben says “as you wish” to her one night and after that it becomes their movie.

the wildflower mural becomes a thing between them when ben says he considered that to be their first date, prompting leslie to tell him what the mural means to her.

ben puts banjo boogie bonanza on one of the mix cds he gives leslie at the beginning of their relationship

harrison ford movie nights start after they both reveal they had a crush on him as a kid. ben was obsessed with han solo and leslie was into indiana jones’ whole history teacher vibe.

they basically hate each other’s taste in music and stop exchanging mix cds once that becomes apparent that they aren’t gonna find much common ground. they both love tom petty, al green, and etta james and music in that vein though.

ben makes leslie watch game of thrones just to try to explain why he’s called her khaleesi. she gets into it, not so much because of the show itself, but because of how passionate her boyfriend is about it.

they start learning basic french during the s4 campaign because they think it will be useful to have a basic multilingual vocabulary for their political careers and because leslie confesses she has always dreamed of seeing paris. they study spanish next.

ben makes leslie watch the star wars prequels just so he can complain to her during them. he doesn’t think she’s paying attention and then he reads about midichlorians in the paper.

ann is also in on ben’s plan to sneak vegetables into leslie’s waffles.

they will sometimes jokingly refer to themselves as the “dream team” or “dynamic duo” because, despite chris’s absurdity, it’s true

i’m open to literally any origin of this because no matter what it’s perfect but i like to think that “i love you and i like you” started at some point in season 4 when, at some point, leslie went “i like you” and ben replied “you like me?” “mhm” “hm just like me?” “yes i like you. i love you and i like you. both.” “mmm i love you and i like you too”

i barely even register some of these things as headcanons since they just live so solidly in my brain

this might be my favorite ask ever thank you for loving benslie enough to ask me this and be genuinely interested

if anyone read all of this, i love you

[brywrites]

Flight Risk IV

Summary: An answer to the age old CM question, “who’s flying the plane?” And the story of a pilot and a profiler. Part IV: In which airplane food is disappointing and the context of a case is heavy.

( Series Masterlist ) ( Previous  |  Next )

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Arthur stands waiting for her outside the jet stairs. “So you’re on speaking terms again?”

She freezes, hands still lifted in the middle of adjusting her cap. “What do you mean?”

Arthur gives half a shrug and begins climbing up into the plane. He’s not one to pry into the lives of other people, but she’s discovered he does make occasional exceptions to this rule. “Simply that you seem much happier to be around Dr. Reid today. Your scowl is gone.”

Her face flushes and she’s grateful he can’t see it as they file into the cockpit. “We talked, yes. I think we’ve reached an understanding.”

Arthur gives a noncommittal, mmmm, and gets to work adjusting Geff’s controls. She does the same, going through routine checks, only to be interrupted by a quiet, “Just be careful. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

Y/N blinks, then looks down quickly. She doesn’t ask him to elaborate; Captain Dobson isn’t one for sentimental attachments or expressions. The fact that he’s saying this at all speaks volumes. It makes her happy, to know he considers her someone close. The BAU is obviously close-knit, she’s heard them refer to themselves more than once as a “family.” But the two of them, bound by similar schedules and shared challenges, they’re something of that sort too. Perhaps that makes them distant cousins of the FBI.

The team boards the plane, they’re cleared for takeoff, and it’s all smooth flying and blue skies for a solid three hours. They’re both tired, and the thought of being able to go home and sleep in her own comfortable bed lifts her spirits – until the cockpit door slides open and Agent Rossi steps in.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news,” he says. “We just got word of a case in Houston. Two previous victims and now there’s a kid missing.”

A kid. Oh, god. Rossi looks genuinely apologetic, but Arthur nods.

“We’ll change course immediately.” Rossi murmurs a thank you, then slides the door closed once more, muffling the voices of the other agents, already discussing the case behind them.

Y/N follows all orders, gets in touch with the air traffic controller, telling Indianapolis Center that they’ll be changing directions and heading for Houston. Other than exchanges with ATC and instructions to shift speeds and change controls, they fly in silence. It’s a heavy quiet, weighed both by an acknowledgement that somewhere, something horrible has happened, as well as the fact that they won’t be going home tonight.

It’s harder for Arthur, he has a boyfriend to go home to, people who need him. She has less attachments, but has no desire to spend more time in a small motel once again. Still, things could be worse. It’s important work.

“I think we’ve still got lunches prepared that I could heat up,” she offers. “What do you want – the chicken or the pasta?”

“Pasta,” he replies, without missing a beat.

“You always take the pasta.”

“I’m the captain. When your epaulets have four stripes, you can claim it first.”

“I don’t know why we even bother with the chicken,” she grumbles. “We both hate airplane meat.”

“You know the rules. We can’t have the same meal.”

Y/N carefully clambers to the sliding door. “I know. But honestly, how many planes have gone down as a result of the food?”

“There have been some close calls. Japan Air, 1975, omelets. Overseas National, 1982, tapioca. British Airways, 1984, hors d’oeuvres.” She rolls her eyes, but begrudgingly goes to fetch the saran-wrapped meals. Slipping out of the cockpit, she catches bits and pieces of conversation as the team begins to work. The previous victims were a little older, most in their early and mid-twenties. All women with blonde hair.

“But Caroline Chapman is only twelve,” Morgan adds. “Though she fits the physical type.” Twelve years old. Her stomach turns, and it has nothing to do with the plane. She swallows hard and grabs the meals from the warm tray, hurrying back to the cockpit before she can hear anything else.

Their world is so different from hers. Their work is so heavy. Sometimes, in the silence of the flight, she pretends she’s a commercial pilot, bringing passengers somewhere cheerful. Maybe part of the crew on one of those Make-A-Wish flights.

The pilots eat in silence, then Arthur, sensing she needs a distraction, begins one of their infamous verbal games.

“Fortunately,” begins Arthur, thinking it over, “I’m taking a vacation in Seattle.”

“Unfortunately,” she counters, “climate change has turned Seattle to a frozen wasteland.”

“Fortunately, I’m an Iditarod champion and getting around won’t be an issue.”

“Unfortunately, the number of confused squirrels on the snow is distracting the sled dogs.”

Back and forth they continue, trying to create the most complicated situation until one of them has no counterpoint, or says something so absolutely outlandish they must concede. Sometimes their games can carry on for almost an hour; depending on which one they’re playing. This one finally ends when Arthur claims he’s saved up enough vacation time, and she rebuttals that the BAU has called in an emergency and he has to come fly the plane.

“Ah,” says Arthur, “fortunately Seattle is a frozen wasteland and no planes can take off.”

Y/N admits defeat. They sit in silence, cloud rushing past them. Then she says, “They’re only twelve.”

“I heard,” he says, starting straight ahead at the sky. She shifts in her seat, searching for the words to explain how she’s feeling. Arthur adds, “You can’t think about it too much. That’s their job.”

That’s all he has to say. A few hours later, they touch down just outside of Houston, and the agents file off to SUVs. She and Arthur prepare Geff for his overnight stay at the little airport they’ve landed at, before going off to the hotel. It’s been a long day, and they end up staying at the same one as the team. After a nap, she takes a long hot shower, and they order takeout, exhausted from the long flight.

Dinner arrives at nearly 8 pm; Arthur takes his to his room, and she makes herself comfortable in the lobby. Wet hair thrown up in a bun, a sweatshirt and leggings. That’s the nice thing about traveling. Nobody knows her. She can be anyone in a new city, only to disappear a few days later and leave only faint traces of herself. The sun has nearly disappeared outside the lobby window, when half of the team comes in, looking entirely drained. They head off in different directions, and she’s pleasantly surprised when Reid goes not to his room, but to join her on the hotel lobby couch. Y/N tries not to look too excited.

“You look tired,” she remarks. Holds out the container of pad thai and chopsticks. “Have you eaten yet?”

He politely refuses. “I have, thanks. Besides, I don’t know how to use chopsticks.”

“What? We’re going to have to fix this.” Her joking smile shrinks to one of hesitancy when she asks, “How are you doing?”

Reid shrugs, runs his hand through his long hair. It seems the more stressed he is, the messier it gets, and something makes her want to sit him down and brush her fingers through it until he looks calm.

“We’ve got enough for a partial profile, but that’s it. We still don’t have – I mean, we still can’t find the girl.”

Arthur explicitly warned her not to get involved, not to think about it. And yet, she asks, “So… what does that mean?” She knows enough to realize it’s not good.

Reid purses his lips. “The first hour is the most important. When a stranger abducts a child, it doesn’t always mean they’ll be killed. But of the children who are, almost half die within the first hour. Nearly all of them are killed within the first twenty-four, and we just passed that mark. Hotch, JJ, and Rossi are still out looking, with the CARD team. In five hours, they’ll come back and I’ll go out with Morgan and Kate.”

Kate Callahan is the newest member of their team, a short woman with dark hair and no time for anyone’s crap. She likes the way they look out for each other, making sure they have a chance to rest. But twenty-four hours, it’s such a short timespan. Gone too soon already. What does that mean for Caroline Chapman?

“Are you okay?” Reid asks, tilting his head. His voice is gentle, making it easy to admit to him what she hates to admit to herself.

“This job – it’s different for us, you know? As pilots,” she says. “You’re trained for this. It’s what you know you’ll be doing, going off to fight evil and save lives. I never thought I’d be involved with that. I mean, I like this job, don’t get me wrong. But I love flying. And lately, every time I get a call from work, my heart breaks because I know the only reason I’m going up in the air is because something terrible has happened to someone, and I just don’t know how to reconcile that. Every time I get into that plane, every time we get Geff off the ground, we’re taking you all to danger, and I only get to do what I love because someone else has suffered a tragedy.”

It’s so complicated, to have her great love for the sky tangled up in this mess she feels when the phone rings. It’s fear and it’s anxiety and it’s sorrow – grief for people she will never even meet. And flying back can be just as difficult. A case closing may mean a happy ending, but it also might mean that a victim is dead, or that an unsub – she’s picked up their lingo – is dead. Either way, there has almost always been some sort of loss. Perhaps in the form of innocence or hope or comfort. She can see it when they board before heading home. This job takes things from them. Will a day come when they have nothing left?

“I know it might sound selfish, but it’s just hard for me to understand. And you,” she adds. “I’m always so happy to see you and talk to you, but that only happens when there’s a case. I feel like I shouldn’t feel that way, not when someone’s life is on the line.”

Does it make sense to him? She hopes it does, because otherwise it’s going to sound so self-centered. Of course his job is more emotionally taxing. Of course she’d rather be a pilot than a profiler. But it hurts her heart each time she hears there’s a case. She grieves for them too. And she worries for the team, her team, their team.

He must understand though, because he places one hand over hers, just long enough for her to understand it’s meant as a comforting gesture, and not purely accidental. Reid doesn’t touch many people, she never sees him shake hands with anyone he doesn’t know. Crossing that barrier is a big deal, and that’s what leaves her all the more surprised.

“It’s okay,” he tells her. “It’s okay to feel whatever you feel – about this job, or a case. You don’t have to disconnect from things or stop being affected by them. But you also don’t have to feel guilty about liking your work. You shouldn’t – you’re a great pilot, and a really good person.”

“Thanks, Doctor.”

Reid gives her half a smile, then looks nervously down at the floor. His pulls at his fingers. “You know, maybe we could meet sometime outside of work. That way we can actually talk for a normal amount of time, and we don’t have to worry about anything else.”

“That would be really, really nice.” At that, his smile widens, and she can feel her own mouth mirroring his expression. “Maybe after all this, when we’ve both had enough sleep, we could go get coffee or something? Go to a library?”

Reid’s grin makes his eyes seem less tired, and for a moment it’s so easy to forget the circumstances. “I’d like that.”

[salandition]

Something Amazing

Hop x Reader

A/N: here it is! The first fic in the fake!engagement series. I’ll be writing one fic for Piers, Raihan, Leon- and others, if people request it, but only one fic per character with this prompt. I’m really happy with this one and I think it’s a great way to start the series, so hopefully you all enjoy it, too! Enjoy some good Hop angst!

Added note: the beginning of the story is told in your POV, and then the story shifts to Hop’s POV for the rest of the fic.

———

There’s a lot of ways you could ask this question. Some good ways, some absolutely awful ways- it all depends on how you decide to approach him and how you formed your words. As you’ve found yourself backed against the corner, lacking all other options, you decided that as you ask this somewhat big favor, it needed to be formatted perfectly. The least you can do is make the idea seem appealing in some way, lace it and sprinkle some sugar over the idea to make it tempting. 

But when you’re finally alone with him, the perfect opportunity presented to you, you botch it all up as you ask in the lamest way possible:

“Would you want to get married? To me, maybe?” 

Hop elegantly spits and drops the several important books he was holding, one of them hitting him right in the foot as they fall to the floor. He yelps at the pain and almost falls over in surprise before you quickly rush over and catch him, the two of you making awkward eye contact as you hold him as if it’s a dip for a dance. 

To make it better, you drop him on accident. 

His back hits the floor with a hard ‘thud’ and your hands fly up to cover your mouth as you gasp. 

There were better ways to ask that question, and there were definitely better reactions to said question. You take half the credit for how horribly this went. The other half went to Hop and his lack of grace, because he’s always been like that, and you can’t control his explosive reactions to things. 

Except you know the man well, so you should have predicted he would’ve at least slipped. So, fine, you take two thirds of the credit. 

“I’m so sorry, Hop!” You apologize, and then you apologize again as he groans from his spot on the ground and he fumbles underneath him, holding a book that he most definitely landed on as well, “I’m so, so, so sorry, oh Arceus,” 

“Married?” Hop coughs, sitting up and fixing the glasses that sit on his face. Thankfully, they didn’t fall off- you would’ve felt even worse if that was the case. His golden eyes are shining and squinting in confusion as he looks up at you- “why- why? ...Why?” He sounds like a broken record, but you can hardly blame him as your body deflates with a sigh. 

Why, indeed. 

“You know how I’m from Hoenn?” You offer your hand and Hop takes it, his long and slender fingers almost engulfing your hand in size as you help him off the ground. Your friend nods at your question, beginning to pick up the scattered books, and you quickly move to help him. “And you know how I have really pushy parents who really don’t like that I moved here?” 

“Well, yes,” Hop comments, and he thanks you under his breath as you hand him the books that you picked up. “But that- that doesn’t explain why- married?”

You give Hop a sad look. “It’s not like I’m a fan of it either. My parents don’t control me, and I know that. I moved here for that very reason- to prove that they could never control me. But then some… legal issues came up.” 

“Legal issues?” Hop’s eyebrows raise. 

“It’s all bogus!” You practically explode as a reply, and Hop’s eyebrows raise even further up his forehead and you freeze. “Sorry,” you mumble, your tense shoulders going down as you sigh again. Truthfully, you haven’t been able to talk to anybody about your situation yet, so the stress is starting to pour out all at once and you have to try and reign it in. “I’m sorry I brought it up in such a bad way, too. Can we- sit? For a minute?” 

Hop frowns with a nod and the two of you descend the staircase in Sonia’s lab, heading to the table next to the entrance. Once the two of you have sat down, you explain to Hop as best you can. 

You tell him how your parents both owned a somewhat successful company that’s been passed through the generations, and because it was family-owned, you apparently had responsibilities as ‘heir’ to the company. You refused, moving to Galar just to prove how much you didn’t want to be stuck managing a Pokeball production company, and that’s where the trouble came into place for you. It didn’t matter how far you ran from Hoenn and your parents; because they had signed your name on pretty legal papers without you even knowing it that you would take their place once they retired. You could go all the way down to the place you grew up to talk with a lawyer to reverse those papers and their implications, but your chance of getting sued was higher than winning in court against your parents. You’re also not sure how much you want to go to court with your parents, anyway- the fact they signed something under your name without your consent was wildly illegal, but you don’t have the guts to punish them for it. 

This is where the marriage part came in. Your parents said that if you could prove you had a life in Galar worth living (in their old minds, that was a spouse with a successful job that could ‘take care of you’, maybe some children, or a fancy job you couldn’t get anywhere else like being the god-damn president of Marco-Cosmos or some impossible goal like that), they would take care of the issue themselves and leave you alone. So, that was your situation. 

Get married, move to Hoenn and work at your family’s company, or get sued. And you already told your parents that you were planning to get married this summer. 

When you’ve finally finished explaining to Hop, he takes a big breath and lets it out slowly with an expression that can only be described as a wince. “That’s… Mate, that sucks.” He says simply, and you couldn’t agree more. 

“It does,” you groan with a long frown, your hands folding together atop the white table. “So… I know it’s a lot to ask- but if… If you’d be willing to help me with this, it would mean so much to me. And it’s not like we’d have to be married forever!” You quickly explain to him. “Just until they get rid of those completely-illegal papers. Once that’s done, we can get divorced and go back to being friends like normal.” 

Hop squirms in his seat, humming unsurely as his arms move across his chest. “___, I’d love to help, but…” His eyes go back and forth between you and the wall. “Are you sure you’d want me to help you? You said your weird parents are looking for a successful partner. I’m not exactly sure I fit that description. I mean, if we talked about it, we could probably convince Leon-” 

(As much as it grosses him out to suggest such a thing...) 

You quickly interrupt him before he can even finish. His arms drop from their defensive hold, eyes widening in surprise when you steadfastly refuse.

“No! No,” a nervous fit of laughter escapes you, “no way. I am not marrying your brother, even in this kind of situation. Like, sure, the fancy title of ex-Champion is nice and all, but it’s also… Leon.” You shake your head several times. “No.” 

Despite himself, Hop finds himself laughing too. “Yeah,” he smiles, “that’d be a bit too much for me to handle, anyway.” 

(It’s embarrassing to admit how relieved he is by how much you hate that idea, too.)

“Glad we’re in agreement, then. And, honestly, Hop-” it’s a bit of a bold move, but you reach forward and grab one of his hands as gently as you can. His eyes widen some more and there’s a pretty blush on his cheeks when you do, and you’d tease him normally, but not now. “In my mind, you’re plenty successful. And even if my parents don’t agree- that’s not the point. I’m sure as long as I’m married, they’ll change their minds. And I-” now you’re the one blushing as you finally look away from his golden eyes, “-I want it to be you. I’d- I’d be really… really thankful if it was you.” 

The suggestion- the mere idea of it was ridiculous and outlandish, you knew that. Of course you knew that- but you’re at your wit’s end. This is the last option that you feel could work to get them to leave you alone for good. 

Silence grows between the two of you, along with the tension in the room, tighter and tighter as Hop takes longer and longer to reply. As time ticks away, you grow more aware of the mortification growing in your belly and how you’re still holding his hand- eventually you have to let go as you quickly curl into yourself as best you can and put your hands in your lap. 

...At some point, you’re somewhat convinced that you’ve broken your best friend. He’s probably trying to find a way to tell you he can’t- which- which is fine. That’s fine, and you expected as much. There’s other people you can ask, really… So you’re not disappointed. Not at all. Slowly you stand from your chair, taking a deep breath as you bite your lip. “I get it- it’s definitely okay that you can’t. I should probably go before I make things even worse-” 

At the sound of your voice, Hop jumps in his seat, and he looks up at you with furrowed brows. Quickly, he stands up too- “No- I-” he stutters, gripping his chair so hard that his knuckles turn white, “no, that’s… I can do it.” 

Now it’s your time to stutter as you look at him wide-eyed. “R-really? You will?” 

(He can’t breathe.)

He smiles, wobbly and genuine as a small laugh escapes him. “Yeah. I’ll- yeah, I’ll marry you.” 

In a rush of pure happiness and genuine shock, you jump in place and wrap your arms around Hop’s neck. He stumbles back in surprise, one of his hands wrapping around your back to keep you steady as you almost squeeze the life out of him. “Hop! Thank you- thank you so much!” 

“No- No problem! It’s not a problem!” Hop laughs, his face and ears feeling awfully hot, and his arms slowly wrap around you as you keep embracing him. “Happy to help,” he nervously swallows. 

(Definitely happy to help.)

——— — ——— 

Hop can’t breathe. 

It’s hard to believe any of this is real, honestly. Getting engaged to you- hell, Hop hadn’t even gotten the courage to ask you out on a date, and here he was, engaged. Under unfortunate circumstances, yes, but you’re literally his fiancé. That’s a real thing. Technically speaking. 

It’s solidified when you bring him a ring from your house- a simple silver band for the two of you. For some reason, probably because Arceus wants to laugh at him some more, the ring fits perfectly, and just looking at your matching rings makes his belly do awkward flops. 

Eventually, you’re going to have to fill everyone in on your situation. Which is going to be even worse. Hop makes sure to appreciate the days that pass when no one knows. 

And then Leon comes to visit him at work and he ruins it. He ruins everything. Because like the dunce his brother is, he sees the ring, and he asks, “when did you get a ring?” 

And like the dunce that Hop is, he replies, “when I got engaged.” 

And he’s never felt his soul leave him so fast. An odd feeling that is, really. It’s as if he got frozen from the inside out, no warmth left as he just stands there and wishes that someone would come and push him over so that he’d break and shatter into a million little pieces. Sorry, ___, he couldn’t marry you to help you out with your crappy parents anymore, because now he is dead. 

Except he’s not really dead because he can hear Leon’s hacking and coughing as clear as day from the other end of the lab. 

“Just kidding!” Hop whips his head around fast enough that his glasses almost fall off as he looks at Leon, his face successfully several degrees warmer than it should be. “That was a joke!” 

“No, it wasn’t!” Leon stands quickly and rushes over, and Hop tries to back away but his left hand is already in Leon’s as his brother looks at the ring as if to make sure that it’s real. “It’s on the right finger and everything! Who on Galar are you marrying?!” Leon looks up from the ring to Hop’s eyes, and Hop still can’t breathe. 

“Um- u- um, I- I-” 

“Hey, Hop!” The door to the lab opens. Perhaps, Hop thinks, he really is dead, and this is just the unfortunate afterlife he was shoved into. This isn’t real. Surely that’s not you walking through the door, bringing him lunch like you said you would earlier today, in a text that he had completely forgotten about until this moment, “I brought you lunch!”

Surely not. 

Leon gasps as he drops his brother’s hand, and dramatically, he points at you. “It’s you, isn’t it?!” He asks gleefully, and he looks back at his brother with a big, stupid smile- “when did you-”

And Hop starts laughing, very, very loudly, “___! You brought lunch! Guess who knows about our agreement!” He enunciates the word ‘agreement’ and promptly elbows his older brother in the gut before he quickly runs away and over to you, taking the plastic containers out of your hands happily. “Can you help explain it to him before I go jump off the nearest bridge?” 

He’s not feeling like he’s kidding, but you laugh anyways as you hold up your own left hand, showing it to Leon. “Pretty neat, huh?” You sing happily, and Hop busies himself with setting up the table for lunch instead of focusing on how embarrassing it is that you sound happy to be fake-married to him. Not real-married, fake-married. It’s an important difference. “It’s all a ruse though, as sad as I am to tell you.” Your hand lowers as you place it on your hip. 

“A ruse?” His brother asks, and he walks over and takes your hand just like he did to Hop so he can inspect the ring. 

Hop leans over and smacks Leon away from you with a glare and his brother snickers. 

“Yeah. Hop agreed to help me out, really. I’m stuck in this weird moral decision to not throw my parents behind bars over legal complications,” you shrug, “but getting married is basically what’s going to shove it all under the rug. Long story short.” 

“Huh.” Leon says, placing his own hands on his hips as he stands still, taking in the information. His eyebrow hooks up as he gives Hop a look, “you’re really okay with that? Well, I guess you would be. Y’know, considering.”

“You’re hilarious,” Hop smiles, but his voice is strained and so is the smile. Instead of entertaining his brother further, he sits at the table and you sit across from him, opening your container and digging in. Oblivious to the tension your best friend carries and how he stares at Leon. 

I’ll kill you, he mouths, and Leon smiles in return. 

“Well,” the ex-champion dusts his hands off, “I can see I need to leave the engaged couple alone so they can enjoy their lunch. And other things, probably, that need to be done in private,” 

“Ha HA,” 

“So I’ll take my leave!” Leon heads for the door and Hop lets out a sigh of relief- until his brother points at him, door open mid-way- “I expect you to call me later. Bye, in-law!” 

And then he leaves. Finally. You look Hop’s way, smiling as you take another bite of your curry. “So, looks like we’ll finally have to fill everyone in, huh?” 

Looks that way. 

——

Once you told everyone who needed to know (his parents and your shared friends), Hop knew for sure that he was in over his head when he first agreed to this. Because explaining it- having everyone jump in glee and surprise at the words ‘we’re engaged!’ only to deflate in confusion as you both hurried to say ‘but not really!’ 

You’d think the two of you would have found a better way to explain it, but you didn’t. 

Having to live through it, though- it was dreadfully awful. Not because Hop was saving it all- the genuine, lovely way that his mother first gasped and his father had frozen- the moment in his mind a beautiful picture that he definitely did not think about all the time. Because it’s not like Hop had only dreamed about this happening to him one day, and it’s not like it killed him when he could finally tell his parents that he’d found someone who loved him unconditionally, only for it to all be fake. As if Hop really needed to hand them another reason to be disappointed in him. 

But no, they were proud. They were happy he was helping you. They told him as much. 

But he didn’t forget those reactions. He didn’t forget how their eyes glistened, and he didn’t forget how they shattered. 

Once that was all over, it was established that the two of you would be having a small ceremony just to help convince your parents that this was a real marriage with real love. True love. 

Except you didn’t love Hop, and Hop surely didn’t love you- but they couldn’t know that. So there was going to be a ceremony. 

You and him. A priest between you. Speeches filled with words- fake words, lovingly beautiful hoaxed words. And then you’d put on your wedding rings, and then you’d kiss. 

Married. You’d be married on August 10th. Isn’t that nice? 

A beautiful summer day. 

——

“I do not envy that kid.”

It was shortly after you and Hop had visited Hammerlocke where you asked everyone to meet up for your news that Raihan finally broke the ice. Leon sighed beside him, along with Sonia who was frowning into the cup she drank from. 

“It’s so horribly obvious,” She says. “He talks about them constantly at work. And he’s been a mess this past week.”

Nessa hums, crossing her leg on the park bench she sat on and letting her head fall back as her hair flowed through the breeze. “I guess you’d see it up close, huh? How he’s so head over heels.” She opens an eye to look at Leon. “Have you talked to him? It’s nice that he wants to help, but maybe it’s not the best idea.” 

Leon shrugs, crossing his arms at his chest. “Honestly, he’s grown up now. He knows full well what he’s getting into. But I did call him personally once I found out,” he purses his lips. “His denial is impressive.” 

Raihan laughs as he hangs his head low, shaking it back and forth. “You fucking suck,” he wheezes. “You should really try to talk him out of this.” 

“Shut it!” Leon shoves Raihan who sways just barely, “I gave him my big brother speech, but I’m done now. He doesn’t want me bringing it up, so I won’t. He’s been stifled enough because of me as is.” The ex-Champion picks up his own cup that sat on the table they all surrounded, and he downs the rest of the contents inside. “So he’ll do as he pleases. I’ll be here if it goes south.” 

Sonia hums, her shoe rubbing at the grass unsurely. “If you say so…”

“It’ll be fine. Trust me.” 

“Oh, sorry I forgot to trust the guy who’s never dated anyone before,” Raihan snorts. 

“Yeah but I could nail your mum if I wanted to,”

“I dare you!” 

“I’ve got her number, I could do it right now!”

Laughter fills the park.

——

As the date for your wedding nears, you bring it up more and more. As you would, because even if it’s fake, there’s questions to ask and things to prepare for. Obviously you hadn’t done this before and neither had Hop, so… how do you put together a fake wedding in the first place? 

“We probably shouldn’t invite anyone,” you say as you lean back on your couch, your feet propped up and crossed at the ankles on your coffee table. “Or should we? For pictures? Memories?” 

“Are you sure you’ll want to remember this?” Hop raises an eyebrow at you. He flips the pen in his hand, notepad sitting on his lap. “We’re going to divorce just a few months after it all.” 

“Well, that’s true,” you shrug, “but we’re still getting married. Shouldn’t we make it fun? It could be a party.” 

Hop squirms. “I don’t know,” he says, but his tone makes it clear and you smile at him reassuringly. 

“It’s okay to say no, Hop. It’s your wedding too, you know!” 

“Kind of.” 

“Not kind of. It’ll be legal and everything- we should both be happy with it. So no guests? Or pictures?” 

He bites his lip. He’d like to say ‘let me think about it’, but truthfully, there’s no time. Decisions have to be made now. “It might be weird if it’s just us and a priest. We may as well go to the courthouse if it was just that, so...” he comments softly, and you beam. 

“True! Maybe we’ll just invite a few people. Ten, tops.” 

...Ten is probably around the exact number of everyone Hop knows. He doesn’t know a lot of people. And he already knows everyone you’re going to want to invite- the only people it makes sense to invite- and Hop squirms some more in his seat as he swallows the bile in his throat.

“Sounds good!” Hop smiles instead of vomiting like he wants to. “We should find some chairs and stuff too, then. Order a pizza maybe. No cake.” 

“No cake,” you laugh. “That’d be too much. Maybe we can slice the first slice of pizza together, though?” 

“You better not put pizza on my face.” Hop frowns, and you burst out laughing. 

...He laughs a bit too. He can’t help it when you look so happy and upbeat. He should really be more like you- Hop doesn’t know why he’s so tense. 

“I won’t! I swear. As long as you promise not to do it either- we’re going to be married so you can’t lie!” 

“Of course. I’d never.” He gives you a promising nod, and then his eyes light up as he thinks of something new. “...Should we dress up?” 

“Oh, right,” you hum and look at the ceiling as you ponder. “Well, you would look cute in a tux.”

Hop furrows his eyebrows in worry, “I don’t think I even own a tux.” 

“...Me neither,” you snort. “But we should probably dress up, right? Especially if we invite people. Even if it’s for a pizza party.” 

He can’t believe his first wedding is being described as a pizza party. Probably his only wedding. 

Isn’t that funny? 

“I guess I can see if I can borrow anything from Leon… he might have something that fits.” 

“Great! I’ll look around, too,” and that idea absolutely doesn’t give him more of those awkward stomach flips that he’s been feeling all week. Seeing you dressed up and looking gorgeous as you stand across from him, kiss him? Hop thinks that there’s no way this could end badly as he anxiously fixes the glasses on his face. “Let’s plan more on how we’ll decorate the backyard- we can have the ceremony there! And then we should both get our clothes planned, then the food, and we can ask Raihan to be our picture guy so we’ll have something to show my parents-“ 

There’s no way that this could end badly. 

——

It’s August 10th. 

It’s 9:43am on August 10th, specifically, and Hop didn’t sleep at all last night. Not even a wink. How could he? 

He distracted himself instead. His suit that he borrowed from Leon has probably been ironed 50 times by now, his house is sparkling clean- cleaner than it's ever been, and he even emptied some boxes and threw away the things he’d been meaning to get rid of for months. Hop did possibly everything and anything he could just so he could stop thinking about how he was getting married today. 

It shouldn’t be a big deal. And it’s not. Because, Hop reminds himself again, you’ll be divorced and back to being normal friends in a few months, just like you said. Just like you wanted.

But what does Hop want? 

That’s why he’s cleaning. 

You decided that the party, the wedding, will take place at 2pm. That’s only a few more hours. The two of you spent all day yesterday decorating the backyard, so that was all finished. All you had to do now was step in front of the official looking people and make it... official! 

Easy peasy, Hop says to himself. He’s been standing still, staring at himself in the mirror for the past hour, and it’s easy peasy. 

Then the doorbell rings. 

It doesn’t process at first, so the doorbell rings again, and Hop slowly raises his head at the sound. He looks at the hallway outside his room, toward where the sound came from- and then his limbs go into motion as he walks toward the door. Who could it be? Maybe it was you, wanting to check in with him one more time if he was sure about this, and Hop would say he was definitely sure and then he’d joke that he’s not supposed to see you before the wedding, and then- 

When Hop opens the door, his brother is on the other side, and Hop doesn’t think he’s ever fallen apart so quickly before. 

Honestly, Hop wonders if he broke a record. How fast the tears and snot came, how quickly and harshly he crumpled to the ground- it’s got to be worth something. With how fast he was breathing in, in, in- how couldn’t it be? He definitely broke a record of some kind. 

Leon holds him securely- squeezing Hop to his chest as he follows his sibling to the ground, and he lets Hop sob all over him as he stays quiet. Quieter than he’s ever been, because Leon always has something to say, but not now as Hop cries and cries and cries- loud enough that he’s probably notified all of fucking Wedgehurst that he was definitely sure about this! Absolutely sure, happy to help. 

Happy to give you everything while he receives nothing? Yes. Because his whole life has been like that. 

So why’s he crying so hard? 

Leon’s hand is stable, heavy, and warm as it rubs Hop’s back. The movement is gentle and lulling, and Leon’s chest moves in a hypnotic matter as he slowly inhales deep and exhales just as deeply- over and over until Hop finds himself following along. Following along… he does that a lot. 

The panic spikes up again, and so does the hyperventilating, so they start all over again. 

Over and over, as many times as they have to, until Hop is simply shaking and exhausted as he’s cried all his tears into the fabric of Leon’s clothes. Which, he’s realized, is just a faded hoodie and some track sweats. Despite himself, Hop snorts and croaks. “You can’t come to my wedding if this is what you’re wearing.” 

Except that’s a joke. He can still absolutely come. Leon has to come, and Hop doesn’t care if he’s wearing only boxers. As long as he’s there. 

“Don’t worry,” Leon says as he loosens his hold on Hop, hands moving to securely hold his arms as he leans back and smiles at his brother. “I saved my fancy clothes for later, they’re with me. I had a feeling I’d need to be prepared for something like this when I came to see you. Aren’t I smart?” 

Hop sniffs and laughs when Leon wipes at his wet cheek. “I guess so.” 

“I know I am, you don’t have to say it,” Leon grins, and he grunts as he starts to stand, bringing Hop up with him. “Come on now, up you get. We’ve got a wedding to get ready for.” 

“Does it have to be mine?” Hop asks and Leon wraps an arm around his shoulders, walking them out of the doorway and finally closing the door behind them. 

“Afraid so, Hop. Afraid so.” 

——

Things are still scary, but it’s a bit more manageable with Leon by his side. The crying session was embarrassing, yes, but needed. Leon practically threw Hop in the shower afterward, which was also very needed, and then when he’s finished, Leon had cooked a hearty looking breakfast for them both. Which they demolish. 

It was mediocre and there were some eggshells in the pancakes, but that’s to be expected if Leon did all the cooking. 

Then Hop gets dressed in his suit that his brother lent him and puts in his contacts, and Leon coos and calls him handsome. Hop shoves him, telling him to quit it, but he appreciates it nonetheless. Not that he’d say that, really, but he thanks his brother genuinely for being here with him. 

Leon’s eyes soften at that and he mutters ‘of course I’m here’, and then they move on. 

Time flies a lot faster when it’s not just Hop and his muddled thoughts. Sooner than he’d realize, it was a quarter to 2pm, so it was time to leave. Leon asked him if he was ready, Hop said he was definitely not ready, and Leon laughed as the two walked over to your house. It was a short walk, which was appreciated, because they’re both walking in public with fancy suits on and Hop doesn’t like the looks they get. Especially from that one girl who was walking her Yamper. 

He could kill that girl for looking at him so funny. 

“I can’t believe you’re taller than me now,” Leon says with his nose scrunched up and a frown on his lips, right as they’re about to approach your doorstep. Hop smiles, his ego successfully lifted at his brother's words. 

“That might be the only thing I’m winning at with you,” 

“That’s not true,” Leon shakes his head with a raised brow, “you’re also about to get married. I’ve never even dated anyone.” 

Hop rolls his eyes at that, digging his hands as deep as he can in the silky pants pockets of his suit. “Hardly. I’ll get divorced before you too, so that’s really an achievement I’ll want to brag about to the family.” He scoffs and Leon elbows his side gently. 

“It doesn’t have to be like that, you know.” 

The two brothers are in front of your house now, but Hop comes to a stop when Leon does and he looks at him strangely. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“It means that you’re in love with that person,” Leon looks toward the door, then back at him as he shrugs, “and you love them so much you’re going to marry them in order to help them out. But just because it’s a marriage of convenience doesn’t mean it can’t turn into something different.” 

Hop frowns at that. He hadn’t ever entertained that idea, and that was on purpose- he doesn’t need to get his hopes up, only to be crushingly disappointed. “We haven’t even dated. It’s- it’s ridiculous to stay married, even if they felt that way toward me.” Again, his brother shrugs. 

“Is it? Sounds awfully convenient to me.” 

“And so the marriage of convenience stays convenient… right.” 

“But it’s true!” Leon laughs, “look, I’m not going to act like I know what I’m talking about. I don’t. But don’t let this crush you. Everything has the opportunity to turn out amazing.” He places a hand on Hop’s shoulder, holding it securely as he looks into Hop’s eyes. Gold meeting gold- the two are practically identical, but so different. 

“Hop. You’re my brother, and I love you. And as your brother, I’m going to tell you something very important,” Leon leans in close, and Hop does the same. “You can make this into something amazing.” 

And then he slaps his brother’s shoulder, making Hop cry out in shock from how hard he hit with a look of betrayal on his face and Leon throws his head back with a barking laugh. The laughter is loud enough that you finally open your door, seeing the two brothers shoving each other on your doorstep, making you raise an eyebrow. “Look who it is!” You smile, their heads snapping toward you. You hold a hand out for Hop- it takes him a second to realize it’s for him, and when he does, he shyly takes it and you tug him toward you. “My husband-to-be and my brother-to-be. It’s about time you showed up.” 

Leon smiles brightly at you, skipping to meet you with a kiss on the cheek which you return. “Good to see you! And I heard there would be,” Leon lowers his voice, “pizza?” 

You meet his serious gaze, nodding firmly. “The best in town,” you tell him, and Leon whoops as he moves past you and Hop to enter your house. 

Beside you, Hop remains quiet, and it’s not until you squeeze his hand that he jolts in place and looks down at you with wide eyes. 

“You’re looking handsome,” you smile at him and Hop almost combusts. Why are you holding his hand, anyway? He’s sweating buckets. 

“Y-you too! Great- you look great. Really good. Better than me.” 

Hop sucks. 

But you smile even wider anyway, your own cheeks heating up in a beautiful way. “Thank you,” you say gently, and all of Leon’s words of advice from his apartment has flown right out of his head. Instead, it’s just- 

You’re in love with that person and you love them so much, you’re going to marry them. 

“We should head inside, before the great Champion becomes Champion of eating all of our pizza.” You break through his thoughts, tugging on Hop’s hands as you make a step to go inside. Normally, Hop would follow you right away, but he freezes as he holds you tighter and keeps you from leaving. His eyes are wide, and you give him a confused look. 

It’s a miracle he doesn’t stutter, but he sounds desperate as he asks you, “are you ready?” 

The question makes you stop in your tracks, and you grow quiet as you look up at Hop. He frantically searches your eyes- hoping to find an answer in them- and he wonders if this is how you felt when he went quiet when you first asked Hop to marry you. 

But then your blush deepens on your cheeks again and your eyes grow soft as your thumb gently swipes the top of Hop’s hand. “You know… I think I am. You?” 

A breathless sigh leaves him. Along with it is all of his ghosts, fears, and doubts- because suddenly Hop feels so much lighter. “Yeah,” he says, nodding just to solidify his answer more. “Yeah, I think I’m ready too.” 

The two of you enter your house, smiling and blushing, and the door closes behind the two of you. Ahead of you waits the beginning of something complicated, weird, and amazing. 

Hop thinks it’ll be amazing.

He really does. 

[dancingkirby]

Azula Week Day 5: Smiles

Summary: Zuko decides to invite all of his and Azula’s illegitimate half-siblings to the brunch on his and Mai’s wedding day.  It goes less badly than Azula had feared.

Warnings/Notes: Multiple non-graphic references to past sexual abuse of multiple underage girls, leading to one death and one near-death in childbirth.  (Don’t worry, it has a happy ending!).  Classism, internalized misogyny, etc. on Azula’s part.  OC-heavy.  One GoT reference that sort of wormed its way in there under its own volition.  

Word count: 2667 (longer than I had been anticipating!)

After many, many delays, the day of Zuko and Mai’s wedding was finally imminent.  There, would, of course, be intense media coverage and a general holiday for the populace, as well as thousands of guests. However, Zuko had also come up with the idea to have a pre-wedding brunch for family and close friends only. This wouldn’t be so outlandish, except that to him, “family” included Ozai’s bastards…every single one that he could find.

“Even the commoners, Zuzu?” she had sighed when he broke the news.  “It’s not a good image.  People at court are already talking.  We ought not to remind everyone of our baggage.”

“They’re not baggage, Azula,” he retorted.  “They’re our siblings.”

“Half-siblings,” she corrected as she brushed a cherry blossom from her shoulder; they were sitting in the courtyard watching the decorations being put up.  

Azula,” her brother admonished.  He spent what seemed like an absurd length of time trying to figure out what to say next, looked to make sure the decorators weren’t eavesdropping, then added, “I’ve been to their houses, you know that.  I’ve spoken with them personally, and I know all of their names and their stories.  You don’t want to know what I found out.”

“Don’t I, brother?” Azula inquired in faux innocent tones.  Zuko rubbed a knuckle against his forehead.

“Fine.” He conceded. “Here’s just one of the stories. There was a girl.  Lian.  Her father died suddenly, and her mother was sick a lot.  So she and her older siblings had to find jobs in the palace so the family wouldn’t starve.  She wasn’t even old enough to legally be hired, but they found work for her in the laundry under the table.  Her job was to go from room to room, gathering the dirty clothes.  I think you can see where this is going.  And…she died giving birth.  She was just a child.”  Sparks flew out of his nose as he exhaled forcefully.

“You’re rambling, Zuzu.  And watch the volume,” Azula stated almost without thinking.  Internally, however, her mind was spinning.  As much as she hated to admit it, Azula had not been prepared for that last part.  Died? Five years ago, she would have dismissed Lian as not fit to live anyway.  But now…she knew that she herself had been near death in that same situation, no matter how much the doctors had tried to sugarcoat it.

She was able to remain expressionless, however, and asked, “And the baby?”

“His name is Chun. The youngest of the bunch; just turned four.  Cute kid.”

That would place his conception sometime in the weeks after the Day of Black Sun, during which Ozai had lost his last vestiges of self-control and everyone else in the palace suffered.  For all she knew, Lian could have been one of the ones Azula herself had witnessed; she’d never bothered to find out any of their names.

“Any other dead?” she queried.

“No, thankfully.  Many of the mothers have permanent medical problems, though.  Some have turned to alcohol.  A few of the kids were adopted out.  Acknowledging and welcoming them and their children...well, it’s the least we can do.  It’s the…”

Wait for it.

“honorable thing to do.”

And that was that.  Once the h-word was added to the equation, there was no changing her brother’s mind.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the morning of the big day.  Zuko had decided to get the inevitable family photos done at the brunch, since Fire Nation weddings were lengthy and the smaller children would probably be tired after a long day of ceremonies.  Currently, he and Mai were standing at the entrance to the courtyard, greeting the guests as they walked in.  

There were twenty-one acknowledged bastards; everyone at court knew that.  Zuko had managed to track down an additional twenty-three, and he wasn’t even certain that he’d found them all.  This meant that their lord father had sired at least forty-six children…well, technically forty-seven, Azula thought as she fingered the footprint pendant on her necklace.  Twenty-eight of those had been born during his not quite six-year reign as Fire Lord.  Had she not known for herself how insatiable Ozai had been, she may have found the number mind-boggling.

What was more, their heretofore unacknowledged half-siblings tended to skew younger than the acknowledged ones.  The noblemen of the court who were actually decent people (or at least concerned about marriage prospects) had started keeping their young daughters home a couple of years into Ozai’s reign.  That meant a veritable flood of children ten and under, most of them having never come anywhere near the palace prior to this.

She nibbled on a green onion tartlet as she stood on a slight rise, surveying the goings-on in the courtyard.  Some children were wandering around, looking at their surroundings with big eyes.  A sizable group had been attracted by Ty Lee’s impromptu acrobatics performance.  Ursa was sitting by the pond, commiserating with some of the young mothers.  Kiyi had taken it upon herself to give people tours of the grounds whether they asked for it or not.

But…where was…?

Azula was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t even fully register the timid tug on her sleeve until it was repeated a few seconds later.  She looked down for the source, and saw a small boy, wearing what must have passed for finery in whatever tiny village he came from.

“Bathrooms are that way,” she said for about the tenth time today as she pointed with her finger. But apparently that wasn’t the reason this child had sought her out.

“Are you the Princess?” he asked.  Except the “r” sounded more like a “w.”

“I am,” she confirmed. Then she watched, bemused, as the kid sank into a kowtow with surprisingly good form for a child of that age…not to mention a peasant.

Azula would not smile. She would not smile.

“You may rise,” she told him automatically, with all the solemnity she would give to an adult.  He sprang back up.

“Aunty said we have to do that if we see the Fire Lord or Fire Lady or Princess,” he explained in a rush.  “I saw the Fire Lord and he said don’t do it, but I wanted to do it because I practiced!”

Pwacticed.

She…was smiling, wasn’t she?  Damn.

“What is your name?” she asked him.

“Chun,” he answered. Azula had already had her suspicions when he had mentioned an aunt instead of a mother, and this confirmed them. This was the one Zuko had mentioned, whose mother had died.

“Well, Chun,” she said, “Your aunt was correct, generally speaking.  However, Zuzu does have his hangups about etiquette.  If you really want to pay obeisance, I would suggest a bow instead.  Would you like to learn the correct form for that?”

“Yeah!” he cheered.  Azula was quite sure that in the entire history of the world, no four-year-old had ever been as enthused about learning courtly manners.  

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chun had the three different depths of bowing down in about five minutes.  Azula had always considered herself good at sniffing out potential, and this child had heaps of it.  Perhaps one day he could find work as a palace bureaucrat, and even ultimately be appointed to a seat on the Fire Lord’s council.  She supposed that Zuko’s incorrigible stubbornness had had some merit for once; otherwise, Chun’s talents would have been wasted among the riffraff.  He was also tremendously eager to please, and refused to leave her side.  Azula got the feeling that nobody paid much attention to him at home.  

It almost made her wish that she hadn’t been so harsh toward Mai’s younger brother a few weeks ago. For someone who continued to know nothing about children except that they liked gross stories, she sure seemed to attract a lot of children.  

As the two of them wandered back to where the main crowd was, Azula provided a running commentary about their various half-siblings.

“That woman in the glasses is Anshi, the oldest,” she informed Chun.  “Great with numbers, and even beat Iroh at Pai Sho once.  Very boring conversationalist, though.  The lady in that hideous gown next to her is Zhilan.  She can lightning bend, yet refuses to actually learn how to use it effectively because she prefers to spend her days arranging flowers and playing the erhu like a proper lady.”  She shook her head.  

“She’s fat!” Chun exclaimed brightly.  Azula chuckled.

“Sssh.  Well, to be fair, she doesn’t have my flawless physique, but actually she’s expecting her third child.  Perhaps she thought that people would be so blinded by that monstrosity of an outfit that they wouldn’t notice?” She pulled Chun along before her vision was permanently ruined by what even Ty Lee would likely reject as too over-the-top.  Although it was unclear how much of her gossip the child actually understood, he didn’t appear bored.

“There’s Ichiro; he’s skilled at archery and so aloof that he makes Mai seem warm and inviting. And…ugh, that’s Eri, stuck-up as ever. Do not go near her,” Azula cautioned. The girl apparently ruled over the Royal Fire Academy for Girls just as Azula herself had done a decade earlier, but unfortunately lacked the intellect to be anything more than a common bully. Best to give her a wide berth like Kiyi did.

“Who’s that?” Chun piped up while pointing at a pair of children dressed in bright red from head to toe.

“Those are Akane and Akemi.  Twins. They’re the youngest of the Acknowledged, and they’re…”

Azula never got to say exactly what it was that Akane and Akemi were, since just then, there was a commotion at the courtyard entrance.

“Sorry I’m late!” yelled the new arrival.  As she turned to greet the soon-to-be newlyweds, her face was somewhat obscured. However, Azula had no difficulty recognizing her.  She’d know that short haircut anywhere.

Ruanyu.  Azula’s breath caught in her throat.  They hadn’t seen each other in nearly five years.  After so long without any contact, she’d been starting to think that her half-sister was dead.

“How about you run over to the Fire Lord and show him your bow?” she asked Chun.  He scampered off happily enough.

Azula was not anticipating that this would be a happy reunion.  Once, they had been close, and Azula had even allowed Ruanyu to call her by her given name.  However, she really had treated the girl more like a pampered yet disposable pet than anything else, and had all but forgotten her in the events leading up to Sozin’s Comet.  In fact, she hadn’t remembered that she had left the girl to her own devices until months later, when she was in the hospital.  

Then Ruanyu looked her way, paused for a split second, and began running toward Azula at top speed. Azula steeled herself, her heart racing. She remembered that the feisty little girl had held her own in sparring matches, and she was prepared to repel any firebending that might come her way.

What she was not prepared for was being nearly knocked off her feet by the sheer enthusiasm of her half-sister’s embrace.  When they pulled apart, Azula attempted to remain stoic, but the sheer magnetism of Ruanyu’s famous ear-to-ear grin was too much for her to resist.

“I see you managed to escape,” she commented dryly.

“Yeah.  My mom smuggled us out after the whole Phoenix King thing,” Ruanyu answered while shrugging, as if it were of no great importance.

Azula became painfully aware that everyone in the courtyard was watching them.  In fact, Zuko was leading the spectators in some applause, Ty Lee ran over to get her hug, and Mai made a cough that sounded a lot like the word “Finally.”

“You knew about this, didn’t you?” Azula accused Zuko.

“We wanted it to be a surprise,” was all he said in response.

“It seems that you succeeded in something for once,” Azula remarked in as deadpan a tone as she could manage.  Then, to Ruanyu, “Let’s go talk somewhere more private.”  Ruanyu agreed, and they retreated to Azula’s favorite shady little enclave.  Once they were out of earshot, Azula decided to cut right to the chase, as she looked at the face that was almost like looking in a mirror.

“If you’re angry at me, then say so.  Don’t hold back on my regard.”

Ruanyu bit her lip as she considered.

“I was angry at you.  Really angry for a while,” she commented.  “But I decided to forgive you.  Zuko told me about what Ozai did to you.”  Her eyes hardened.  

“Did he do anything to you?”   Azula had to know.

“Nah.  Well, he kept saying all this creepy stuff, but I was always faster than him,” Ruanyu replied.  She was obviously trying to be casual, but not quite succeeding.  She was sixteen; old enough to know that she had only just dodged a lightning bolt, and that others had not been as fortunate.

“And just what have you been doing these past years?” she inquired.

“Mom took us back to the village where she grew up.  She wanted me to settle down with some boring man and raise a family.  But that’s…not me.  So I’ve been doing a lot of traveling, seeing the world,” Ruanyu explained. Yes, Azula remembered her half-sister’s thirst for adventure well.  In fact, she had briefly considered taking the girl to the Earth Kingdom, but had decided against it since she knew that Ruanyu would never have gone along with taking Zuko and Iroh prisoner.  

She asked, “Any plans for after the wedding?”

“I’m not sure yet,” Ruanyu answered.  “I think I might stay at the palace again for a bit, then set off again.  I’m interested in seeing that new city that Zuko and his friends are building; he told me that they’re looking for settlers.”

Someone cleared their throat behind them.  “Did someone say my name?”  Azula turned to see that Zuko was indeed present, with one twin hanging off each arm.

“Yeah, I was just telling Azula that I wanted to see Republic City.”

“Well, we’d be glad to have you there.  But, uh, anyway, I came up here to tell you two that the photographer’s setting up.  He has a prototype model of a new kind of camera; one that can take the picture instantly.  I thought the younger kids might find it harder to stand still.”

“Don’t get him started on that special camera,” Mai chimed in as she walked up with Chun trailing behind her.  “He’ll probably spend our entire wedding night talking about it.”

“Not the entire night,” Zuko protested.

“Oh, really?  I suppose I will just have to make sure that you keep your word.”

Azula said, “There are children here, you two!” in almost perfect synchrony with Ruanyu’s “I don’t think I wanna hear this…”  They must have pulled identical faces, since Akane exclaimed, “More twins!”

“Oops.  Forgot about the kids,” mumbled Zuko. “So…yeah.  Picture time.”

And so the soon-to-be-wed couple kissed as they temporarily parted; Mai had to leave to undergo the ordeal of getting dressed in her many-layered wedding outfit.  (“If I’m really lucky, maybe it’ll actually get done sometime this decade,” she said.)  Zuko eventually got the whole group of Ozai’s progeny rounded up.  As her brother enlisted Sokka’s help to explain how the camera worked to those children who had never been photographed before, and Azula snuck appraising glances at the latter, she felt oddly at peace. They made for an odd collection of individuals indeed, but Zuko had been right just this once.  That awful trial was behind them, and they were all stuck in this same recovery boat together.  

After some time, they were all arranged in a more or less organized manner, and Azula made sure that her necklace would be clearly visible in the picture.

“Smile!” the photographer ordered.

And, as they saw weeks later when the developed pictures were sent to them, nearly everyone had.  Even Azula.

[witchyrem-ains]

Beetlejuice and Betelgeuse - Headcanon + Story

I have the “too much gene” and as a result a quick idea turned into a short story/beetlejuice x reader/beetlejuice HC.  I’m dyslexic, grammar and spelling aren’t my strong suits. 

Beetleb@bes DNI.

--

Having lived in the city your entire life you’ve never actually seen stars. Pictures on a projection are okay, and the view of city lights over the hills are beautiful. But it certainly can’t compare to the majesty of the universe. 

You received a job offer on the east coast, some nowhere town in Connecticut. You’d be able to work from home and still maintain your passion for art. It didn’t take you long to pack your bags and say goodbye to your family before you were off. 

Arriving in Winter River Connecticut was less than favorable. A downpour had done serious damage to your new home, and you wouldn’t be able to work in the house until repairs were done. 

At least there was one motel you could stay in while repairs were underway. Before heading there, you stopped by the Art Supply store and bumped into a vibrant woman; who was lecturing an employee on the differences between water-based and polymer clays. Having noticed that you’d picked up some sculpting tools the vivacious woman introduced herself as “Delia Deetz” and excitedly grabbed hold of a teenager decorated in gothic closing, “And this is Lydia! She’s my step-daughter!” 

You exchanged quick casual conversation but found that Delia was relentless; wanting to know everything about you and your skills. You mentioned you’ve shown in a few exhibitions, nothing big. Positively dazzled (and much to Lydia’s embarrassment) you’d been swept off your feet and invited to their home for dinner. 

The Deetz’s home was... unique. A blend of modern geometric furniture and shapes that clashed with rustic homemade furniture. Once Delia got wind of your situation in your new home you were ushered into the guest bedroom. Guess you were staying the night then? 

Delia talked your ear off. Her husband, Charles, was constantly amused by her enthusiasm. Lydia was interesting though; she’d duck behind walls and whisper to a small group of people, two wearing green, and another in a striped suit. 

It didn’t take long for you to pipe up and ask, “Who are the people in green and the guy in the suit?” 

The entire household went quiet. 

“You can see us?” Piped up a man in green plaid. 

“Yes. Obviously.” 

Elated, the plaid shirted man introduced himself as Adam Maitland and the woman in green was his wife Barbara. They quickly explained they were ghosts and didn’t have much company outside of the Deetz’s. The most peculiar of all, the man in the striped suit, stepped forward. With a snap of his fingers the house turned into a party worthy of a macabre Great Gatsby. Zombie Showgirls dancing, champagne popping, jazz blaring from a skeleton band, singing from sirens, darkness and light dancing at his fingertips. As quickly as it has all appeared, it was gone... he introduced himself as “The Ghost with the Most!” 

“He’s Beetlejuice.” The rest of the house sighed, obviously used to his shenanigans. 

One way or another you’d been at the Deetz/Maitland household for 2 weeks. Repairs were taking longer than you had hoped. 

They were all kind people. You worked with Delia in her studio on your art, you were learning new crafts with the Maitlands, you bonded with Charles over architecture, Lydia took a liking to you after you introduced her to some new bands and horror movies. Beetlejuice remained an anomaly. Every time you were alone with him he’d put on outlandish shows, Mardi Gras themed, Carnival, Greek, each theme peppered with his signature goth and gore. Each party also had an abundance of alcohol and drugs that Beetlejuice ravenously indulged in. 

You didn’t actually know him though. Not as well as you would have liked. He partied hard, he hung out with Lydia, complained a lot, but mostly put on insane shows to keep himself busy. Or so you thought.

-

The skies had been dark for nearly 3 weeks, icy rain continuing to fall. At this rate you might as well unpack your things and move into the house. You were relaxing with Lydia, helping her sort out her photography into various photo albums.  “Hey Lyds...”  “Hm?” She asked, only half paying attention, as she tried to decide if a picture of crows belonged in the “Foreboding”, “Ominous”, or “Murder” pile.  “How come Beej’s hair is always pink?”  Lydia scoffed, “It’s not pink you dingus. It’s usually green. His hair changes color with his mood. Purple when he’s bummed out, red when he’s angry, and green is his usual M.O.” “Oh...” you sat puzzled, “But, everytime I see him his hair is pink. What does pink mean?”  “Dunno...” she shrugged, sliding the last of her pictures into the albums, “Ask him yourself.” 

Retiring to your room, you pondered about Beetlejuice. Strange guy. You couldn’t quite nail him down. 

You flopped down on to your bed, ready to reply to emails when something glimmering caught your eye. 

Outside of your window you saw them: stars! 

You flew out of the bed and flung open the window as fast as you could, pulling yourself out the window on to the ledge. You gasped, clasping your hands together, “Stars!” You cheered, “Such beautiful stars!” For the first time in weeks the sky was clear and bright; and more beautiful than you ever imagined. 

“Heh.” you heard a chuckle. Just a few windows down was Beetlejuice, lounging on the roof, “Ya act like you haven’t ever seen gas. Just let one rip and light it on fire. That’s a human thing, right?”  You rolled your eyes, boldly moving towards him, “You don’t get it!” you exclaimed, “I’ve never SEEN stars before! Where I’m from you can see 3 or 4, there are more helicopters in the sky than actual stars! And oh my god, aren’t they gorgeous?” 

Your hands fell over your heart, the romantic in you bursting through. “I love them! I love them all. They’re like jewels in the sky! I wish I could pluck them out of space and hold them in my hands, admire it, love it, set it free like a butterfly--” 

Beetlejuice laughed, for the first time you finally noticed that his hair was a bright green instead of pink. The more boisterous his laugh the brighter green his hair became.  “Oh you’re somethin’ else sweetheart.” He taunted, throwing himself back against the roof dramatically, “Oh stars! Come to me and let me worship you like a lil lap dog!” He mocked, “I’m so deep, I’m a struggling artist! Misunderstood by the world! Only the emptiness of the universe understands my dark soul!”  His taunting continued, mocking your adoration for the stars relentlessly. You’d patiently taken his mockery until you decided to turn the tables.  “What about you, huh?” You took a large step forward, “Are you so bored with everything that you need be drunk or high to keep your mind off your own misery? Don’t think I haven’t seen you at your insane parties! All you do is create them so you can get high off your ass.”  Beetlejuice stopped his mockery on a dime, the green in his hair shifting into shades of pink and red.  “Watch it Breather.” He warned, stepping forward until you two were nose to nose, “It’s a three story drop and I’m not above murder.”  “You watch it!” You snapped, “I thought you were this upbeat, optimistic guy! But you’re actually just a shell of what USED to be a person, absolutely dead inside and trying to fill the void.” Turning your back to him, you headed towards your room, slipping back inside and slamming the window. 

Those stars you wanted to see for so long? Not worth it after all. 

What you didn’t see was The Ghost with the Most, slouching outside your window, quitely cursing himself for being an ass. His hair fading into a deep violet. 

End - Part 1

[ewankoseyo]

falling || mark imagine

A/N: This went a little off-topic from the request, but I hope you all enjoy! Hope y’all aren’t lactose intolerant because this one’s hella cheesy lol

“Hi hi! I am so in love with each and every one of your stories! They’re all so amazing! Can I request a kindergarten teacher Mark! Where the reader is an assistant teacher and she slowly starts to fall for him over time because she sees how great he is with the kids and how kind he is overall but little does she know he likes her too? And maybe some of the students try to set them up? Idk i think mark would be an amazing teacher especially since he’s so good with kids THANK U! 😘🥰”

——

They say nobody’s perfect, but Mark Tuan came pretty damn close.

“Good morning, Hyunwoo!”

“Hello Teacher!” Hyunwoo happily greeted, hopping to meet Mark’s raised hand in a high-five before going to his desk.

“Good morning, So Min! I like your shirt, do you like Wonder Woman?”

“Yes sir! She’s my favorite superhero.”

You watched from the back of the room as Mark ruffled the little girl’s hair before she ran off to join her friends and you couldn’t help but grin to yourself like an idiot. Mark always made it a point to greet the kids as they came into the room. How does one have so much energy in the morning?

“Okay everyone, gather on the carpet!” Mark stood at the front of the room and beckoned for everyone to join him. The children eagerly ran to their designated spots on the carpet. They mimicked Mark, placing their tiny hands on their stomach. “Good morning class!”

“Good morning Mr. Tuan!” They bowed in unison.

“Don’t forget to greet your neighbor!” The students turned to each other, greeting their friends good morning. “Now class, what did I say we would be learning today?” Mark took out a yard stick and pointed to the phrase on the board, reading slowly so the class could follow along. “Today we are learning about weather. Yes, Seokjin?”

The little boy put his hand down. “You mean like when it’s cloudy and raining outside?”

“That’s correct Seokjin! Rain is part of the weather. You get a gold star for your question.” Mark reached into his back pocket for a pack of stickers and placed a gold star under the boy’s name in the class star chart. Seokjin grinned proudly at Mark, he always wanted to contribute answers in class. “We will be learning about all types of weather and I have a song to help us! Can I get some assistance?”

You immediately shook yourself out of your daydream, only now realizing Mark was talking to you. He smiled brightly your way, and you could only nod as you joined him at the front of the classroom. You thought that the novelty of being the Mark Tuan’s teaching assistant would have worn off after the first week, but after a month with him, you weren’t sure if you were getting the proper teaching experience you needed.

Being well-versed in things like the way Mark’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree when a student got an answer correct? You were surely getting that experience.

“Ready to begin, Miss?” Mark turned to you, shooting another blinding smile your way. You nodded once again, afraid of looking him in the eyes as you pressed play on his stereo. You were hoping that the warmth you felt rising to your cheeks were just from the small bodies clustered together in the tiny classroom. Mark turned back to the class as the first few beats of his song began. “Follow us everybody! Let’s sing!”

——

“See you next week! Don’t forget to bring a picture of your family for show and tell!” Mark waved off to the students running out of his classroom.

As he tousled the hair of the last student leaving, you felt your heart swell. You attempted to focus on the water colors you were cleaning up, but your attention kept returning to the young teacher—how he didn’t take his eyes off the students until they were completely out of sight, how he sighed to himself with content at the end of another day with his favorite kids, how the sunlight beaming through the window seemed to give him an angelic glow, how his eyes crinkled up adorably as he turned to you and spoke—

Wait, he was speaking to you.

Don’t just stare at him, say something!

“Sorry, what was that?” You felt your cheeks growing warm again, and this time you couldn’t blame all the tiny bodies in the room. Exactly how long had you been staring? And did he happen to notice you staring? You looked away from him, silently cursing yourself and hastily cleaning up a table so you couldn’t see his reaction.

Mark chuckled, a sound you knew all too well. “I was just saying that you’ve become a natural. You even came up with new voices for story time.” He reached into his pocket, pulling out his stickers. “I think that gets you a gold star!”

Your breath hitched as he delicately placed the gold sticker on your collar. Gosh, was it possible for you to not freak out at every little thing he did? Granted, that was the closest his hand had ever been to your face. You could only imagine the feeling of Mark tucking away a stray hair behind your ear, hand caressing your cheek—

“It’s nothing,” you replied offhandedly, resuming your clean up. “I learn from the best.” About Mark? Yes. But about teaching? You weren’t so sure.

Mark helped you in cleaning up, picking up paint brushes from another table. “I’m serious! At the beginning of the month, you were really shy and careful with the students, but now I think you’ve really broken out of your shell.”

You smiled to yourself. Mark had a way with making people feel good about themselves, and you knew he meant every word of it. “Well thank you Mark, it really means a lot,” you told him as you wiped down the table. “I was always so used to working with students one-in-one, so overseeing a whole classroom has been a big change for me. I still have much to learn from you.”

You turned around to toss the dirty wipes in the trash, only to be met with Mark’s chest. You looked up, your face now closer to his than it’s ever been. Was it possible to see the entire galaxy in someone’s eyes? The warmth you felt in your cheeks traveled to your ears.

“Sorry I—”

“It was my fault, I was moving too fast,” Mark smiled apologetically, steadying you with a hand on your shoulder. “I just needed to wash these brush—”

“Mr. Tuan!” Startled, you stepped away from Mark. Seokjin stood there in the doorway, tears streaming down his face.

“What’s wrong, Seokjin?” Mark asked worriedly, putting his brushes down and making his way over to the boy.

“Me and Hyunwoo were walking home together and then he saw a tree and wanted to show me how he climbed trees,” Seokjin spoke through sobs. Mark bent down to the boy’s level and patted him on the back soothingly. “I told him to stop, but he went higher and he just—I couldn’t carry him—”

“Show me where he is,” Mark said gravely, ushering Seokjin outside before turning back to you. You had never seen him look so serious. “I’ll be back.”

You nodded. “I-I’ll finish cleaning up here.”

Half an hour and a couple of scrapes and bruises that needed cleaning later, Hyunwoo’s mom came to pick him and Seokjin up from Mark’s classroom.

“Thank you so much for helping us,” the woman bowed to Mark before looking at the injured boy in her arms. “What did I say about climbing trees?! Do you know how scared I was when Mr. Tuan called me?!”

“Sorry mom,” Hyunwoo mumbled regretfully into her shoulder.

“It’s no problem ma’am, I’m just doing my job,” Mark assured, looking at her sympathetically. “I’m just glad that Hyunwoo didn’t break anything. We’ll be missing him tomorrow, but he should definitely stay home and recuperate.”

After apologizing to and thanking Mark again profusely, the woman left to take the two boys home. Mark turned to you once the room was quiet again and let out a chuckle.

“Well that was probably the most eventful thing to happen since the beginning of school.”

You shook your head in disbelief as you gathered your belongings. “Mark, I don’t know how you do it.”

He looked at you with slight confusion. “What do you mean?”

“You reacted immediately yet calmly, and you knew exactly what to do, even though Hyunwoo didn’t explicitly say Seokjin fell out of the tree,” you explained in awe. “If it were me, I wouldn’t have been able to think clearly and I’d start freaking out. And you’d also run the risk of parents blaming you for their child getting hurt, even though it did happen after school, parents would still think you were responsible—”

“It’s just a matter of putting my students first,” Mark interrupts. “At that moment, my number one priority is making sure the kids are okay and I’d just deal with the consequences, like parents getting mad at me, later.”

“Oh, right.” You nodded slowly. Of course you should put students’ needs and safety first. You sighed to yourself, Mark probably thought you were some heartless idiot who took this teaching assistant job for the benefits. Not wanting to make more of a fool of yourself, you took that moment as your cue to leave. “Well this place is clean, I’ll see you tomorrow, Mark.”

You moved past him with your head down in embarrassment but he gently grabbed your arm, stopping you in your tracks. “Wait! You take the bus, right?”

You looked at his hand on your arm, then at him. “Correct,” you managed to choke out.

“I could drive you home, you know,” Mark suggested with a smile, putting his hand down. “You’re on the way.”

You stood there frozen, contemplating his offer. Maybe this was a sign that he had a thing for you too? And this was his way of getting closer to you? With that killer smile directed your way, what else could it mean, right?

Or maybe Mark was just being nice because he was always a nice guy. And giving someone a ride whose destination was already on your route was not an outlandish thing to offer. Also when did Mark not have a smile that was killer? You’d be a fool to think they were exclusively for you.

Why would Mark have a thing for you? You were just his teaching assistant. He was (almost) perfect.

You shook your head, lips pursed in a thin smile. “It’s okay, I don’t want to impose.”

Mark tilted his head in confusion. “You wouldn’t be imposing, like I said, you’re on the way—”

“And I told a friend I would meet up with her after work for...a thing.” You mentally kicked yourself for such a lame excuse. Now you really had to leave. “I’ll see you again tomorrow, Mark.” You left without another word or glance at the young teacher.

You knew Mark Tuan came pretty damn close to perfection, and he deserved nothing short of it.

——

Hyunwoo had never seen you look so furious.

“Ma’am,” you growled politely at the older woman in front of you, pulling Hyunwoo closer to your side. “Hyunwoo is very sorry for taking from your tree, right Hyunwoo?”

“I’m sorry ma’am, I didn’t know that was your apple tree,” Hyunwoo apologized again, bowing lowly. The older woman rolled her eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re teaching your kids at that school, but it sure isn’t manners!”

“But,” you interjected. “That does not give you the right to hit our students—”

“If you’re not going to teach your students right—”

“We teach our students well at our school, thank you very much,” you corrected angrily. “Like he said, he didn’t know it was your tree. Hyunwoo wouldn’t have done it had he known. We apologized and gave you your apples back. Why criticize our school when there was no big harm done?”

The older woman took a step closer to you. Hyunwoo cowered behind you, clinging to you tighter. “Teacher, you dare talk down to me?”

You didn’t flinch. “No I’m simply reasoning with you, as adults should. Now if you don’t have anything sensible to say, we’re going to be late for school.” You started walking off with Hyunwoo in tow.

“I’m going to report this to the principal. To the school board!”

You stopped in your tracks, looking at the woman slightly. “Need I remind you that Mark Tuan was the one who would drive your husband to and from the hospital when he was sick? Do you really want to tell the principal and get Mark in trouble over something so small?” Sensing the older woman backing off, you gave her a short nod and left.

“Thank you Miss,” Hyunwoo said quietly behind you once you were both out of the woman’s sight.

You sighed as you took his hand, attempting to quicken his pace. “Hyunwoo, what were you doing?”

“Sorry for taking apples from the scary ahjumma’s tree.”

You glanced sympathetically at the boy hanging his head down in shame and tousled his hair. “Thank you for saying that, but that’s not why I’m upset. Hyunwoo, you know you shouldn’t have been climbing that tree. You got us all scared the last time. What if you fell again?”

“I’m sorry Miss, I won’t do it again.” As he held his tiny pinky up to you, you knew you’d be a monster to turn down his promise.

As you entered the classroom, Hyunwoo immediately ran off to his friends to tell them about his morning. When Mark noticed you come in, he gave you a worried look. You were usually here with him an hour before school started, though you didn’t need to be, so it didn’t sit well with him when he didn’t see you bright and early that morning. Mark was about to come up to you and ask what happened, but you just shook your head.

“I know we’re late,” you said apologetically. “I’ll tell you about it later. I don’t want you hold back class any longer.” He wanted to press on, but eventually decided against it.

“Okay everyone, please join me at the carpet!”

The morning’s lesson went without a hitch as Mark taught the students about time with you by his side. He was still left wondering what happened when recess came around and you decided to supervise the schoolyard so Mark could prepare for the next lesson. When the bell rang, all the students ran out of the classroom to play except for Hyunwoo, who stayed at his desk and was quietly drawing.

“Hi Hyunwoo, what are you drawing there?” Mark took the empty seat next to the boy.

It took a moment for Hyunwoo to answer as he was concentrated on coloring. “I’m drawing a picture for Miss.”

Mark noticed Hyunwoo was drawing you. The sentiment warmed his heart. Hyunwoo was often misunderstood by other teachers and adults, but it made Mark happy that he had grown fond of you. “You’re giving it to her? I’m sure she’ll love it.”

Hyunwoo nodded. “Yeah! Today she saved me from the scary ahjumma by the school who hit me.”

Despite the boy’s excited attitude, Mark felt his blood begin to boil at the thought. “Hyunwoo...why did she hit you?”

“I climbed her tree to get apples,” Hyunwoo whispered as if afraid of getting in trouble. “But I didn’t know it was her tree! But then Miss saw me and saved me! The scary ahjumma got mad at her but then Miss said something back and the scary ahjumma got scared!”

Mark let out a sigh of relief when he realized it wasn’t anything too serious. “Why were you trying to get apples, Hyunwoo? You could have gotten really hurt.”

“That’s what Miss said too,” Hyunwoo mentioned. “I wanted to give something to her and I saw on tv teachers like apples, so I tried to pick apples for her. But then I couldn’t, so now I’m drawing a picture!”

“Why do you want to give her a present?”

“Because I like her, she’s my favorite,” Hyunwoo answered, not looking up from his work. Mark smiled fondly at the boy before getting up to prepare for the next lesson.

“That makes the two of us, Hyunwoo.”

——

“Before you leave, don’t forget to help clean up the room!” You announced to the class. “Then line up by the door so I can give you all a Valentine’s Day chocolate on your way out!” The children cheered at the implication of earning more sweets that day and raced to tidy up the room. You and Mark shared a glance from across the room and laughed at the kids’ eagerness.

After passing out your last chocolate, you could finally breath. The students had been looking forward to the Valentine’s Day celebration you were organizing all week and you were glad you were able to pull it off. It took you out of your comfort zone to plan, but kids really enjoyed the games and activities you put together.

You looked over at Mark, who was picking up some leftover wrappers on the floor, and made your way to him. “Chocolate?”

“Don’t mind if I do.” He gladly took the candy from your outstretched hand. “Good job today, I could tell the kids had a lot of fun, especially with the gift exchange. I think you’re pretty much ready to lead a class by yourself full-time.”

“You think too highly of me,” you joked, feeling the familiar warmth rising up your neck. “but thanks Mark. I always appreciate hearing your feedback.”

“Oh! I have something for you.” Mark dashed over to swipe something from his desk. He returned to you with a heart-shaped card similar to the ones the kids made during an activity. He had drawn a bee buzzing around the card.

“‘You are the bee’s knees. To the best teaching assistant a teacher could ask for,’” you read aloud with a giggle. “Aww thanks Mark! And here I thought that the only Valentine I would receive today was from Hyunwoo.”

“He gave you that drawing he’s been working on?”

“Along with a Fuji apple from the market. He’s the sweetest kid.” You two shared a laugh before falling into silence. You probably should have taken this as your cue to leave, seeing as Mark wasn’t going to say anything else. Maybe it was because it was Valentine’s Day or maybe it was because he had just praised you, but you didn’t want to leave Mark just yet. “So...you got any plans for Valentine’s Day?”

“What?”

You mentally cursed yourself for the awkward question. “I mean, I’m assuming you probably have plans with a special someone—not that it’s a good thing to assume things about people but you just seem like the type—”

“You accepted my card didn’t you?”

“What?” Now it was your turn to be confused. “Wait you mean—”

“That you’re my Valentine?” Mark finished, smirking at your realization. “Well that’s how you explained it to the kids today, so yes.”

“Are you serious?” You looked at Mark in disbelief as he nodded fervently in response. “But Mark—I...why me?”

He smiled bashfully, nervously scratching the back of his neck. “Why not? You’re kind of perfect.”

Mark let out a laugh as you scoffed at him. “Me?! I could say the same about you! You’re the young handsome kindergarten teacher who all the other female teachers fawn over. You’re so brilliant and passionate about child development, not only do the students have fun during your lessons but they learn so much and you’re just able to relate to them...and then I’m just me.”

“Well you, Miss,” Mark put a hand under his chin as he playfully pondered his next words. “You were the new beautiful and recently-graduated-with-top-honors assistant teacher who all the teachers were hoping to have in their class. Jackson was super bummed when he found out you weren’t interested in teaching middle school. You’ve been worried about how you were going to connect with these students, but you never gave up, always giving them your 100%. You know, after Hyunwoo told everyone the story of how you protected him, they kind of see you as a hero. You’re more assertive to adults than you think when it comes to the kids, more than I ever could be.”

“So you like me because I’m assertive?”

“I like you because you didn’t realize you were. And then some.” Mark grinned, looking at you hopefully. “So...please tell me that you’re free tonight for our first Valentine’s date, otherwise I just made a complete fool of myself by making you that card.”

“Our first date?” You asked slyly before letting out a whine. “Gosh Mark! You’re supposed to be the cool one. I’m supposed to be the shy one falling inexplicably and one-sidedly, not you!”

You both stood there with the cheesiest grins, neither one believing the other’s feelings. “Does that mean—”

“Yes Mark, yes I’m free for our first Valtentine’s date tonight.”

“Good, because I already kind of made reservations at this one place.” You gave Mark a playful shove before pulling him into a hug. Your body relaxed against his as he drew you closer into his chest. You would have stayed like that even longer, taking your time falling deeper and deeper, if it wasn’t for—

“Wow Mr. Tuan! Did you kiss her yet?!”

——

[lovemesomesurveys]

5,000 questions survey series--part forty-one

3901. What is the most annoying tv ad? Most of them are. I pretty much just tune ‘em out, but they sometimes sneak their way in anyway. 3902. If you died, how would you hope others would remember you? I mean, in a positive way of course. 3903. Name 2 questions that you will most likely never say 'no' to: 1. Do you want coffee? 2. Do you want to go on vacation? 3904. What is the softest part of your body? I mean, most of it is except for my hands. 3905. What family do you want to see in place of the Osbournes when they finally stop doing their show? I can’t get over how old this survey really is wow. This show aired from 2002 to 2005. :O Anyway, the next big family of reality TV was obviously the Kardashians. They’ve been on since like 2008/2009.

3906. If you could pick 3 bands to go on tour together who would they be? Linkin Park, Coldplay, and The Foo Fighters.  3907. What is a main differance between western and eastern philospohy? Uhh. 3908. Would you be fooled by Joe/Josephine Millionaire? I never watched the show, but I know the premise. The women thought they were on a dating competition show dating this millionaire guy, but turns out wasn’t a millionaire at all and was just some average Joe (literally). At the end he makes his choice and then comes clean about the whole thing. Anyway, to answer the question, I would never go on a show like this or ever date a guy for his money, but hypothetically speaking I suppose I probably would be fooled by it because they did all this outlandish things on the show and he seemed to really have money. I wouldn’t have a reason to think it was all a lie  (though obviously it was). 

3909. Do you believe Michael Jackson does innoprpriate things at his Neverland Ranch? Like what? This was highly talked about and brought to light again earlier this year and based on the documentary, he did in fact do inappropriate things at his Neverland Ranch. A lot of inappropriate things. 3910. What do you think of gov. Ryan who cleared out Illinois' death row? I know nothing about that. 3911. Would you want a $500 gift certificate to: Kmart or Target? Macy's or Hot Topic? Border's Books or Spencer Gifts? (Sadly, Borders no longer exists) Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollywood? 3912. What do you think of this website: www.blackpeopleloveus.com/ I’ve never heard of it and I don’t feel like checking it out.  3913. Man vs Elephant. A zookeeper was treating a constipated elephant. He gave her too much laxitive. Suddenly everything exploded out onto the zookeeper. He was knocked to the ground where he hit his head on a rock and got knocked out. There he suffocated under a pile of elephant dung. True story. Is it a funy story? No, I never find a person’s death funny. If yes, what is funny about it? Why is it so taboo to laugh at death? Because it’s a very sensitive subject and just not something to laugh about, regardless of who it is or what the circumstances are.  3914. What are your favorite five things from this list: alternate realities, animals, astronomy, birds, camus, cats, cheap trick, cocaine, cooking, costumes, dancing, elvis, gambling, greta garbo, james dean, jeff buckley, joy division, marilyn monroe, mixed drinks, moody blues, morrissey, mozart, my bloody valentine, orbital, pizza, playing flute, prince, radiohead, rummy 500, scrabble, table tennis, talk talk, van morrison, writing 

^^^ Only 4 things but oh well. 3915. Do you have to read lots to be able to write well? No? I mean, it definitely helps, sure, but you can still be a great writer without having read a lot. 3916. Vanilla ice. Everyone loved him, suddenly everyone hated him. What was the deal?? I forget what the issue was. 3917. If you could kick one person out of the grammies who would it be (Avril, Eminem, etc)? 3918. Studies have revealed that when sending out a resume a person has a 50% higher chance of getting a responce if their name is white sounding than if it is black sounding. What do you think about this? Why do companies respond this way? 3919. Should Big Fat Greek Wedding really be a Big Fat Greek sitcom? I never had the interest in seeing the movie, so I wouldn’t have cared to see a sitcom either. I don’t remember if there was one or not. I feel like there was? 3920. What are you addicted to? Caffeine. And truthfully, after many years on my pain medication my body has become dependent.  3921. What fascinates you? Psychology. 3922. What is fascinating about you? Ha, nothing. I’m so boring. 3923. Personality wise, is anything the same for all human beings and if so, what? I don’t think so. 3924. What kind of a contest woud you have a shot at winning? A simple one where I just submit an entry in, ha. I’m not doing anything requiring more than that. 3925. You see a dirty punk kid who had a giant cowboy hat on who is rolling his own cigarettes. Your impression? I don’t care. 3926. What would you never want to have more than 2 of? Hmm. 3927. Is there a movie you just could not finish watching? What and why? Yeah, but of course I can’t think of an example right now. It’s pretty rare for me not to finish a movie even if I’m not into it, but it has happened. 3928. Is there anyone that you love and want to be around for no explainable reason? I mean, I love to be around my family. It’s explainable, though. I love them and enjoy spending time together. 3929. Would you go to times square for new years? Noooo. That sounds like an absolute nightmare. 3930. Do you think that there are to many signs blocking up the scenery? In some places. 3931. Did video really kill the radio star? Yep. Video later died, too. I mean, yeah artists still make music videos, but it’s not at all as big a hype anymore like I feel it was back in the day during the TRL days and when MTV actually played music videos all the time. 3932. What was your favorite atari game? I’ve actually never played. 3933. what is your favorite neon color? I don’t have a favorite neon color. 3934. Do you get depressed eveytime it rains? If yes, why? No. I love the rain. 3935. 'The more you admit that all your actions are robotic, the less robotic you are.' What does Tim leary mean by this? Maybe because if you admit it then that means you’re conscious and aware.  Do you agree or disagree and why? How much of your actions do you admit are robotic? I feel like I live on autopilot. 3936. Are we not men? Uh, not all of us. 3937. Is it easy to be you? Would being someone else make it any easier? No, it definitely not easy for me and I can’t imagine why anyone would ever think it was. It’s not easy for anyone; though, despite what it might look like. Everyone has their struggles. 3938. Why are sex religion and politics such taboo subjects? Because people have very strong opinions about it and they’re just very sensitive topics. 3939. Is there really a differance between republicans and democrats? Yeah? 3940. Imagine someone has a great personality, sense or humor, family and job. they also really really like you a lot. Would you consider dating them if they: were fat? Yes. I care a lot more about a person’s personality and I would not reject someone because of something like weight.  limped? Sure? I’m in a wheelchair, so who am I to judge a limp. were a midget? I totally do not mean this in a mean or shallow way at ALL, but I honestly don’t know. That’s only because I think as someone in a wheelchair, I would like to be with someone who would be able to lift /carry me and/or my chair. were paralized in one arm? Yes. Again, I’m paralyzed from the waist down, so. had a glass eye? Yes. That’s not a big deal. had only 6 months to live? I wouldn’t want to enter a relationship, no. I would gladly be there as a friend for support. 3941. What makes you experiance nostalgia? A lot of things. I’m a very nostalgic person. I really miss my childhood and have been feeling more sad about it lately. I think cause I’m turning 30 soon and just feeling old. 3942. What do you remember about these historical figures: Woodrow Wilson? He was a president. Hellen Keller? She was blind and deaf. Was an activist for the disabled.  Christopher Columbus? “Sailed the ocean blue in 1492.” 3943. Out of the above three figures, one is a huge racist, one is a socialist and one is a slave trader. Can you guess which is which? Racist: socialist: slave trader: 3944. Betcha they didn't tell you that in american history. Wilson, Keller and Columbus are painted as heros, impossibly good, ideal people. Why are so many things ommitted from and lied about in american history text books? 3945. Do you drink super caffinated energy drinks? Nope. I don’t drink any energy drinks. 3946. eminem or moby? Eminem.  3947. spongebob or the animanicas? Animaniacs was from my childhood, so I’ll have to go with that. 3948. Why do people rush to grow up only to wish they were a child again? I have no idea. I definitely wasn’t one of those people. 3949. Why do people sacrifice their health to obtain moneya d then use the money to restore their health? Uh. 3950. Jetsons or Flintstones? I watched both as a kid. 3951. What are you saving up for? Nothing, specifically. 3952. Would you rather improve your cooking, creativity, body,logic or charisma? Body. 3953. Is it more important to have stregnth or speed? For me, strength. 3954. What is your favorite thing to do each day? Drink coffee. 3955. When you are driving do you ever feel like turning the car towards someplace unfamiliar and not comming back? I don’t drive. 3956. Have you ever gone to lunch at a job and never gone back to the job? I’ve never had a job. 3957. What kind of a dining room set defines you as a person? Uh. I have no idea, that’s never been something I’ve thought about.  3958. Kiss, with or without the make up? I’d say it’s better without lip gloss or lipstick cause it gets messy. 3959. Madonna or Courtney Love? Madonna. 3960. Are you down with james Brown? Nah. 3961. Do you believe in miracles? Yes. 3962. Are you living a lie? I wouldn’t say that. 3963. If you had to give up one would it be caled ID or call waiting? I like knowing who’s calling. 3964. Are you ready to switch to an electric or solar powered car? I don’t drive. 3965. What is the greatest band of the 90's? That’s too hard to choose. 3966. What's the appeal of Alley Mcbeal? I never really watched it apart from seeing bits of it here and there because my mom watched it. I was just a kid and didn’t care. 3967. Fill in the blank. ___ aint the kind of place to raise a kid. 3968. What song goes: starry eye surprise, sundown to sunrise, we're gonna dance all night to this dj' and who is it by? Starry Eyed Surprise by Paul Oakenfold.  3969. What ever happened to the mtv vj Kennedy? No idea. 3970. if you could sing with one band for a day what band and what song would you want it to be? Probably, “In the End” by Linkin Park. 3971. Josie and the PussyCats or Jem? Josie and the Pussycats. Aw, I remember that cartoon that came on Cartoon Network when I was a kid. 3972. Wouldn't oyu like to be a pepper too? Not sure what this is referencing.  3973. Britney spears, school girl or sexy, which do you prefer? Poor Britney. She’s really been going through it. I think there’s a lot that has been going on that we don’t know about. I don’t know if she’s being treated the right way or that people really have her best interest. It’s sad.  3974. Would you get married on tv? No. Not sure why I would. I’m no one famous. 3975. Where do you go looking for the secrets of life? Uhhh. 3976. What is the fuel for your soul? Coffee. 3977. Why do people watch american idol (I think it's for Simon)? I stopped watching after the OG judges left. I checked it once like 3 years ago and...yikes. It just wasn’t good. I’m into The Voice. 3978. What makes life sweet? Desserts. ha. 3979. What does it take to make a great band? People that can sing,  play instruments, and write music? 3980. What do you think of when you hear the word 'devo'? “I said, whip it! Whip it good.” 3981. What song or movie represents the 80's for you? The Breakfast Club and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Of course I instantly thought of the song, “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” by Simple Minds. 3982. What song poem or other piece of writing would you want read when you died? I don’t know.

3983. Is a stable job home and family pretty much your goal or do you want more than that and WHAT? Right now I want good health. 3984. What tv show that is no longer on tv do you miss? True Blood. 3985. Remember when Chris from nirvana threw his bass in the air and hit himself in the head with it? Yeah. 3986. What commercial is really annoying you(almonds, want some almonds, you're a big fellow aren't you)??? Currently, there isn’t really one that’s annoying me. Like I had mentioned before, I tend to just tune ‘em out. 3987. Nominate a rockstar for president: 3988. Who amazes you? Hmm. 3989. What's the best musical act to come outta your own country? another country? 3990. Is your life glamorous and exciting? Pffft, no. 3991. Greatest oldschool rap artist: greatest newschool rap artist: 3992. DJ Jazzy jeff or Will Smith, which persona? Both. Summatime will always be a fave.  39993. Ever try yoga? No. 3994. Are you a brick shit house? ..No. 3995. What products do you use? A lot? 3996. How good do you look? Not good at all. I’m a mess. 3997. Tonight you're going to party like_________ someone who is about to go to bed. ha. Okay, okay I know what you’re getting at: like it’s 1999.  3998. Have you ever written a song? No. if yes did you record it? 3999. What would you like to have 999 of? Dollars. 4000. Do you own a metal detector? No.

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

Vetinari and downey for the ship thing :L

yesssssss

who wakes up first in the morning

Vetinari. Does he even sleep? Downey doesn’t know and Downey’s slept in the same bed as him. He went through a brief stint of trying to wake up earlier than Vetinari but it didn’t last long because he likes sleeping, believes that mornings are meant for having a lie-in if it’s not a work day, and can’t be arsed. Let Vetinari, that weirdo, get up at a sparrow’s fart. 

who’s the first to fall asleep at night

Downey as he is a normal human with a normal human need for an average of 7-8 hours of sleep. Especially the older he gets. Though he is more physically active than Vetinari (and his job involves running after a bunch of students for part of the day, so that requires energy). 

Vetinari can run on 4-5 (although he won’t admit it’s also getting harder as he gets older. Sometimes he sleeps for six hours and it annoys him). 

what they playfully tease each other over

In private Downey still calls Vetinari Dog-Botherer. Vetinari just asks what his opinion on tigers is then is smug when Downey is confused. Downey also teases Vetinari about his weird habits, but it’s in an affectionate manner. Vetinari rarely returns fire but when he does it’s usually to point out that Downey is just as weird as he is. Downey declares that this is absolutely not true. Vetinari looks at him like he’s looking into the camera in the Office. 

what they do when the other’s having a bad day

Downey is good at being in Vetinari’s corner when he’s secretly annoyed at people. He’ll figure out who pissed Vetinari off today then go on a monologue about how much he thinks Lord So and So or Mr. What’s His Name is a scag. He calls them a scag because he likes saying the word and it evidently amuses Vetinari. (Scag has a good mouth feel and is a nice colour. Vetinari squints at him, he doesn’t know what any of that means. Downey never explains.) 

Vetinari will procure whatever Downey’s latest favourite drink is miraculously and they’ll share a few glasses. Vetinari, as is his nature, is a very good Listener. He’s trying to be better at doing the Human Response To The Turmoils Of Life but uh…isn’t great at it. Still, he tries. He prefers presents. Presents are easier. 

Vetinari: I bought you this gift. Downey: Thanks babe but I really just want you to say something in commiseration or that you sympathise.Vetinari: ….But I bought you this gift??

how they say ‘i’m sorry’ after arguments

Vetinari does the present route for this too. Absolutely will never verbally apologize for anything, mostly because while I’m not sure he’s very good at admitting when he’s wrong he does know when he has messed up and so will go and procure something for Downey if he feels it necessary. 

Downey will apologize. It might take him a week but he’ll come around and do the apology formula that was hammered into him as a child “I want to apologize for doing X because it made you feel Y. I understand you may not forgive me immediately but I wanted to inform you of my regret for my actions/words/etc.” (Vetinari, “this is terribly awkward, why don’t you just buy me a gift?”)

which one’s more ticklish

Vetinari. Downey has known this since they were nine. 

their favourite rainy day activities

Reading, doing work. Both are keen on their respective occupations. Not that they spend days together because obviously that would be career ruining (more for Downey than Vetinari. I feel like Vetinari could weather it. Downey, being found out to be a dirty sodomite? and a teacher?? yeah that wouldn’t end well in still-pretty-socially-conservative-AM. Versus Vetinari who already has a rumour mill going about his supposed sexual deviations. One thing for a tyrant, another thing for a teacher [at a boarding school no less].) 

ANYWAY. I think if Vetinari is feeling indulgent he’ll settle down with a tea and a bad murder mystery novel or the latest cheesy chick-lit. Downey would take a bath and read (he, like Vimes, super into the bubbles and big loofas). If it’s a dark and stormy night and they’re spending it discreetly I think they’d exchange absurd ghost stories and urban legends that they’ve picked up. Or they’ll play backgammon or thud or cards of some kind. Talk shit about everyone they know. The sheer amount of gossip that these two know is phenomenal. Read together, sometimes out loud. The usual quiet activities of people who have known each other for decades.  

how they surprise each other

Increasingly weird and outlandish gifts that only make sense to the two of them. 

Though, Downey did go through a phase of growing plants for Vetinari. Very strange, highly poisonous, often illegal or hybrid, plants. Vetinari would name them human names since he knows that amuses Downey. 

Vimes would be doing his morning report, “is that belladonna, sir?” Vetinari, “I believe so.” Vimes, “May I ask why, sir?” Vetinari, “I have been reliably informed that it is the correct plant for this room. And I’m rather fond of it.” Vimes, “I see, sir.” Vetinari, “It’s name is Theresa.” Vimes, “Theresa?”Vetinari, “Theresa.” 

Vetinari is pretty good at picking out obscure books on flora, fauna and exotic poisons that Downey hasn’t read yet. Though the older they get the harder that is because Downey’s read most of them. 

Sometimes it’s things for each other’s dogs instead of each other. 

their most sickening shows of public affection

They don’t. 

In private? Downey once said, “you know, I think I’m rather fond of you Dog-botherer” to which Vetinari said, “no need to be so over the top in one’s declarations, Downey.” Though Vetinari did one time, when feeling greatly moved, said “I enjoy spending my free time with you and would like that to continue.” Downey was shook. 

Thank you so much! I love these two idiots.

[twentiethcenturymoviesandtv]

Growing Pains: Facets of Film

When a production team makes a movie, there are things that they have to assemble in order to get it up to film standards.  Costumes, sets, props and special effects all come with the territory of making a motion picture, and they aren’t done cheaply or quickly.  As a natural result, movies tend to be bigger and more creative looking than their counterparts productions: television on much smaller screens.

While there are exceptions to the smaller budget equalling a much worse production design (typically in shows like Star Trek: The Next Generation or Babylon 5), for the most part, there simply isn’t the ability or freedom for the shows to look as good.  Therefore, television shows are forced to rely on the old standbys: writing and performances.

That means that for today’s ‘Facets of Film’, we’re going to be doing things a little differently.  Rather than focusing on the blockbuster trimmings, we’re going to be taking a look at a smaller scale.  Join us for an examination of the ‘Facets of Film’ at use on Growing Pains.

Let’s take a look.

Growing Pains is a family sitcom, made and set in the 1980s.  It’s a traditional series, with no costumes besides normal clothing, no chase or fight scenes, not much in props, no special effects, and only a handful of sets necessary.  The actors and guest stars are good, but nothing huge, and there’s some decent camerawork, but again, nothing all that great.  It’s a very standard show.  To be honest, there’s not much to talk about in the vein of the typical ‘facets of film’, or storytelling shorthand, that we usually look at here.

In that case, what do we look at?

Thankfully, there are a few options left.  

Facets of film are tricks used by the filmmakers to explain to the audience in shorthand what would be difficult to explain using dialogue.  Whether a show is elaborately done or not, a production team still has to use their materials to tell the story as efficiently as possible.  We’re going to be checking out the results of their efforts, starting with the opening theme.

A television show’s opening theme is extremely important for a number of reasons, as we’ve discussed earlier.  The theme is the preview, introducing and summing up what a show is about, and demonstrating the tone.  This is done in an audible and visual way.

The theme for Murder, She Wrote is small, homey, and charming, demonstrating the personality of the main character, Jessica Fletcher, as well as the mysteries she solves.  The theme for The Twilight Zone is eerie, accompanied by outlandish visuals to introduce to the audience the weirdness they are about to witness.  Both of these shows utilize their openings very well by immediately communicating to the audience everything you need to know about the individual show.

So, what’s the theme for Growing Pains?

The opening to each Growing Pains episode is the song: “As Long as We’ve Got Each Other”, played over pictures of the main characters throughout their lives. Every episode, you watch them grow up, right before the final shot: one of the entire family at that current stage in the show.  While it may seem generic, this actually does its job very well.

The opening credits succeeds in telling the audience what they are about to see: a family.  There is an immediate sense of the warm, homey stories they are about to see, and a basic setup of the characters.  Looking at the clips, the viewers can tell that Mike is a bit of a goofball, Carol’s smart, and Ben’s energetic.  They can also tell that, despite the usual family disagreements, this is a family that does love each other.  Immediately, there’s a sense of comfort and fun, and the viewer gets a good idea of what they are getting themselves into.

There are other elements utilized on the show that demonstrate some of the personality traits of the characters, such as costuming (Carol’s sweaters, anyone?) or what is depicted in their rooms, etc.  But that can be a little difficult.  The Seavers didn’t really have a specific ‘look’ that set them apart, even as individual family members.  They dressed as reasonably stylish, upper middle-class people from the 1980s.  Not much else to say on that front.

It’d really seem like we’d be at a loss for discussion were it not for the most important element in bringing any characters to life: The performances.

Every actor brought wit, humor, and warmth to each character, ensuring that each person felt life-like to the audience.  Not only that, there’s real chemistry between characters, making them feel gelled together as a family.  The vivacity that Tracey Gold injected into Carol, or the intelligence that Joanna Kerns brought to Maggie, even Alan Thicke’s understanding portrayal of Jason is very real, giving these characters different enough personalities to be memorable.

As you may have noticed, a lot of the storytelling devices when it comes to television do tend to revolve around the characters, rather than the stories itself.  As I’ve said before, characters are the draw, the reason we come back to television, and in Growing Pains, the characters are essential.  Luckily, each one works very well due to the writing and acting necessary for each one.  The ‘facets of film’ necessary to each show are extremely effective in introducing new viewers to the cast, and using every opportunity to keep it consistent.

When you get right down to it, despite the lack of special effects or large budget that we typically talk about here, the production team did know what they were doing, and used what elements they did have in order to portray what matters the most in any show: the main cast.  

And it worked.

While perhaps not as iconic or memorable as some of their contemporaries, the Seavers are unique.  Every one of them is relatable, normal, and yet special enough that the audience sees themselves in parts of each character.  As such, they worked very well as a family that viewers wanted to see every week.

With that perspective, perhaps it’s easy to see why Growing Pains was so beloved during its runtime.  With a charming premise, enjoyable characters, and consistently fun writing to go back to every week, it’s little wonder it was one of the most popular shows of its kind.  In hindsight, it’s not a surprise that it’s remembered with as much fondness as it is.

Join us next time where we’re going to talk about the behind-the-scenes for Growing Pains and talk about it’s production!  Thank you so much for reading.  If you had a thought, question, suggestion or recommendation, or just want to say hi, don’t forget to leave an ask in the ask box!  I hope to see you in the next article.

[ronaldsmcrae86]

How to Write a Testimonial in 2020: 7 Tips (+ 9 Examples)

Want to learn how to write a great testimonial? One that’ll build trust with readers and woo potential customers (or clients)?

In this handy guide, you’ll learn:

The proven structure your testimonials should follow to increase conversion rates and land more jobs;

The importance of statistics, storytelling, and authenticity;

How to ask someone for a testimonial;

And much more.

Let’s dig right in…

Tip #1. Follow a Proven Structure

Sometimes, the best way to identify “good” is to figure out what “bad” looks like.

So, what does a bad testimonial look like?

Well, bad testimonials usually make one or more of these mistakes:

They lack credibility. Who is “John”? What does he do? And why doesn’t he have a photo?

Too outlandish to be believable. Did this person really help you go from zero to $1,000,000 in three days? Even if it is true, it will be hard for people to believe. Be a real person, not an infomercial.

They’re boring and generic. A testimonial that goes on and on about unrelated, meaningless details isn’t going to convince anyone to do anything. Neither will testimonials that lack detail or authenticity.

With this in mind, let’s go over the elements of a good, persuasive testimonial.

The Structure of a Great Testimonial

Good testimonials should include the person’s full name and photo. Adding their company name and what they do gives a testimonial additional credibility.

But the best testimonials also contain these four elements:

Clarity. They paint a clear before and after picture.

Purposefulness. They guide the reader towards an action.

Positivity. A testimonial isn’t a snarky review on TripAdvisor or Amazon — you want people to be honest, but you want the overall tone to be optimistic.

Focus. Don’t ramble. Stay on point.

Examples of Testimonials With Good Structure

Here’s an example of great testimonial structure from Marisa Mugatroyd’s Live Your Message:

Full name and photo? Check. Clear, purposeful, positive, and focused? Definitely.

Here’s another good testimonial example (from Ahrefs’ newly-revamped homepage):

Both of these testimonial examples nail the basics.

Yours should too.

Tip #2. Be Specific With Details

Words and phrases like “way up” and “it was good” are ambiguous and can mean anything.

Did an article get over 10,000 tweets and LinkedIn shares on social media? Did revenue increase by 30%?

Don’t be vague — if it’s so, say so. Testimonials with statistics are excellent social proof.

But keep in mind:

Statistics aren’t the only way to add details to a testimonial.

In fact, sometimes, you’ll be in situations where specific figures or numbers can’t be shared. In those instances, explain the details of the problem, concerns that existed beforehand, or share pertinent background info that paints a compelling before-and-after picture.

Details In Practice

Let’s compare two testimonials I’ve received:

“Nyaima was pleasant to work with. I would work with her again.”

That’s nice, but does this testimonial really tell you anything? Not really. Compare it to this one:

“Nyaima was not only easy to work with, but her communication was also excellent. She met every deadline, and also offered sound suggestions that added to the quality of each of our projects. Because of this, we were able to complete a project that generally takes six weeks in only four weeks.”

The details in this testimonial help you envision what it’s like to work with me. A potential client thinking about hiring me doesn’t have to guess how this other client benefited.

Tip #3. Pull on the Heartstrings

A heartfelt story can move even the most cold-hearted person.

Remember your favorite comic or fairy tale from your childhood, like Batman or Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? Each sentence reeled you in, line-by-line. You could relate to Batman’s losing his parents or the horrific treatment of Snow White, and you wanted to know how those situations would end.

There’s a reason for this — psychologist Lani Peterson says people are wired to pay attention to narratives and stories.

Translation? Telling a good story — one that weaves in narrative elements that sparks emotion within the reader, making them want to keep reading and take action — is a great way to craft a persuasive testimonial readers can relate to.

When your prospect relates to your customer testimonials, they take a step closer to working with you. They think, “wow, I have the same problem, maybe they can help me too” or “I am stuck at the same place, maybe working with this person will give me similar results.”

And one of the best ways to capture genuine emotion and story elements is using video testimonials. When done well, they instantly build trust with potential clients.

Storytelling In Practice

Airbnb rocks storytelling in their series featuring Airbnb hosts. They successfully display the humanity of hosts that prospects can relate to:

Here is another masterful demonstration by Intel:

The story is so rich, you can barely tell it’s a testimonial.

Tip #4. Be Authentic (But Don’t be Boring)

Have you ever read a college dissertation?

No offense to the hard-working women and men who pour countless hours into them, but they are not my first choice to read. They’re dry, clinical, and cerebral — all the things you don’t want your testimonial to be.

Boring testimonials will put your prospects to sleep. And prospects who are asleep can’t take action.

But it’s not enough to simply not be boring. Your testimonial needs to be truthful and authentic too.

That means being genuine, sounding natural, and using conversational words. Your goal is to spark internal conversation within the reader. And to do that, every word in a testimonial must be true.

Remember, when someone reads a testimonial you want them to relate, they should say, “Man, he or she sounds just like me.”

That’s why slang works and stringent grammatical rules don’t have to be followed. As long as the point can be understood and it is not an unintentional typo, leave it alone. The flaw adds realness.

Authenticity In Practice

Here’s an effective testimonial that Smart Blogger’s Kevin J. Duncan gave to Henneke Duistermaat for her copywriting course:

From his testimonial, you can (accurately) surmise that Kevin has probably known Henneke for a while, which makes his words feel genuine.

Tip #5. Use the Right Testimonial, at the Right Time, in the Right Place

There are several types of testimonials, but I’m going to focus on the big three:

Persuasive Testimonials. These demonstrate the impact the service had on the client or customer.

Overcome Objections. These are testimonials that speak directly to common objections and diffuse them.

Success Stories. These are miniature case studies where people share positive outcomes and happy endings.

Though they share the common goal of reducing resistance, each type of testimonial is most effective in different circumstances.

The Right Time

If you want to defeat objections, implement testimonials that address potential resistance on your sales page.

If a prospect sees another customer had similar concerns that were overcome, it will boost their confidence that moving forward with you is a good choice.

The Right Place

Avoid old school testimonial pages.

Most people only scan websites, and few visitors make it to a testimonials page. This is why you want testimonials sprinkled throughout your site to solidify your marketing messages.

Best placement:

Homepage

Product page (think of Amazon)

Sales and landing pages

Most popular page of your site (other than your homepage)

Inside emails, newsletters, print materials, and blog posts

Right Time, Right Place In Practice

Ramit Sethi, best selling author and creator of I Will Teach You To Be Rich, is a master at strategic placement and timing. Check out how he addresses potential objections using testimonials in his email sales sequence:

By implementing the right timing and placement, you seem like a mind-reader, answering the questions and objections of your prospects, moving them one step further in your sales process.

Tip #6. The Art of the Ask

Knowing the structure and components of a good testimonial is fantastic, but it won’t matter if you don’t have any testimonials to share.

Testimonials don’t automatically come unless you ask for them or put a system in place to keep them rolling in.

Similar to sales, people get timid when it comes to asking for testimonials. They feel like they are being a nuisance. But when you deliver superb services to a client, this is a small ask.

Why not remove all friction points and make it easy for you and them?

Ramit does a good job minimizing pressure by providing a template when he asks someone for a testimonial. He understands that even though your satisfied customers want to help, they are busy, and may be plagued by blank screen syndrome. A plug-and-play template remedies that.

Another option is to simply write the testimonial yourself and ask the contact to revise it, as needed.

How to Ask for Testimonials

Ramit uses the following script to request testimonials:

Her Business gives clients a simple plug-and-play template to complete:

And this leads us to the final tip…

Tip #7. Automation Makes it Easy

Savvy entrepreneurs and business owners systemize and automate as much of the collection and writing of testimonials as possible.

So should you. Collecting testimonials should be embedded in your business.

For example, Marisa Murgatroyd has a system that gets her a steady flow of testimonials — the “ask” is embedded right into the completion of her courses.

Students provide a testimonial as part of their graduation process. This process has landed her over 700 pages of testimonials that she can use in every area of her marketing.

You don’t have to copy her exact method, of course. Every system will vary based on your particular business. The key is to take friction points away that may interfere with you getting great testimonials, and to automate as many parts of the process as possible.

It’s Time to Write Persuasive Testimonials

No matter who you are or what you do, a well-written testimonial is a powerful tool that can boost your credibility.

In this post, you learned about the proven structure of powerful testimonials, as well the essential ingredients needed to turn good testimonials into great ones.

Now it’s time to put what you learned into action.

Want to build trust with your readers? Want to boost your credibility to potential customers or clients?

Testimonials are the answer.

Go get them!

The post How to Write a Testimonial in 2020: 7 Tips (+ 9 Examples) appeared first on Smart Blogger.

from SEO and SM Tips https://smartblogger.com/how-to-write-a-testimonial/

[williamlwolf89]

How to Write a Testimonial in 2020: 7 Tips (+ 9 Examples)

Want to learn how to write a great testimonial? One that’ll build trust with readers and woo potential customers (or clients)?

In this handy guide, you’ll learn:

The proven structure your testimonials should follow to increase conversion rates and land more jobs;

The importance of statistics, storytelling, and authenticity;

How to ask someone for a testimonial;

And much more.

Let’s dig right in…

Tip #1. Follow a Proven Structure

Sometimes, the best way to identify “good” is to figure out what “bad” looks like.

So, what does a bad testimonial look like?

Well, bad testimonials usually make one or more of these mistakes:

They lack credibility. Who is “John”? What does he do? And why doesn’t he have a photo?

Too outlandish to be believable. Did this person really help you go from zero to $1,000,000 in three days? Even if it is true, it will be hard for people to believe. Be a real person, not an infomercial.

They’re boring and generic. A testimonial that goes on and on about unrelated, meaningless details isn’t going to convince anyone to do anything. Neither will testimonials that lack detail or authenticity.

With this in mind, let’s go over the elements of a good, persuasive testimonial.

The Structure of a Great Testimonial

Good testimonials should include the person’s full name and photo. Adding their company name and what they do gives a testimonial additional credibility.

But the best testimonials also contain these four elements:

Clarity. They paint a clear before and after picture.

Purposefulness. They guide the reader towards an action.

Positivity. A testimonial isn’t a snarky review on TripAdvisor or Amazon — you want people to be honest, but you want the overall tone to be optimistic.

Focus. Don’t ramble. Stay on point.

Examples of Testimonials With Good Structure

Here’s an example of great testimonial structure from Marisa Mugatroyd’s Live Your Message:

Full name and photo? Check. Clear, purposeful, positive, and focused? Definitely.

Here’s another good testimonial example (from Ahrefs’ newly-revamped homepage):

Both of these testimonial examples nail the basics.

Yours should too.

Tip #2. Be Specific With Details

Words and phrases like “way up” and “it was good” are ambiguous and can mean anything.

Did an article get over 10,000 tweets and LinkedIn shares on social media? Did revenue increase by 30%?

Don’t be vague — if it’s so, say so. Testimonials with statistics are excellent social proof.

But keep in mind:

Statistics aren’t the only way to add details to a testimonial.

In fact, sometimes, you’ll be in situations where specific figures or numbers can’t be shared. In those instances, explain the details of the problem, concerns that existed beforehand, or share pertinent background info that paints a compelling before-and-after picture.

Details In Practice

Let’s compare two testimonials I’ve received:

“Nyaima was pleasant to work with. I would work with her again.”

That’s nice, but does this testimonial really tell you anything? Not really. Compare it to this one:

“Nyaima was not only easy to work with, but her communication was also excellent. She met every deadline, and also offered sound suggestions that added to the quality of each of our projects. Because of this, we were able to complete a project that generally takes six weeks in only four weeks.”

The details in this testimonial help you envision what it’s like to work with me. A potential client thinking about hiring me doesn’t have to guess how this other client benefited.

Tip #3. Pull on the Heartstrings

A heartfelt story can move even the most cold-hearted person.

Remember your favorite comic or fairy tale from your childhood, like Batman or Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? Each sentence reeled you in, line-by-line. You could relate to Batman’s losing his parents or the horrific treatment of Snow White, and you wanted to know how those situations would end.

There’s a reason for this — psychologist Lani Peterson says people are wired to pay attention to narratives and stories.

Translation? Telling a good story — one that weaves in narrative elements that sparks emotion within the reader, making them want to keep reading and take action — is a great way to craft a persuasive testimonial readers can relate to.

When your prospect relates to your customer testimonials, they take a step closer to working with you. They think, “wow, I have the same problem, maybe they can help me too” or “I am stuck at the same place, maybe working with this person will give me similar results.”

And one of the best ways to capture genuine emotion and story elements is using video testimonials. When done well, they instantly build trust with potential clients.

Storytelling In Practice

Airbnb rocks storytelling in their series featuring Airbnb hosts. They successfully display the humanity of hosts that prospects can relate to:

Here is another masterful demonstration by Intel:

The story is so rich, you can barely tell it’s a testimonial.

Tip #4. Be Authentic (But Don’t be Boring)

Have you ever read a college dissertation?

No offense to the hard-working women and men who pour countless hours into them, but they are not my first choice to read. They’re dry, clinical, and cerebral — all the things you don’t want your testimonial to be.

Boring testimonials will put your prospects to sleep. And prospects who are asleep can’t take action.

But it’s not enough to simply not be boring. Your testimonial needs to be truthful and authentic too.

That means being genuine, sounding natural, and using conversational words. Your goal is to spark internal conversation within the reader. And to do that, every word in a testimonial must be true.

Remember, when someone reads a testimonial you want them to relate, they should say, “Man, he or she sounds just like me.”

That’s why slang works and stringent grammatical rules don’t have to be followed. As long as the point can be understood and it is not an unintentional typo, leave it alone. The flaw adds realness.

Authenticity In Practice

Here’s an effective testimonial that Smart Blogger’s Kevin J. Duncan gave to Henneke Duistermaat for her copywriting course:

From his testimonial, you can (accurately) surmise that Kevin has probably known Henneke for a while, which makes his words feel genuine.

Tip #5. Use the Right Testimonial, at the Right Time, in the Right Place

There are several types of testimonials, but I’m going to focus on the big three:

Persuasive Testimonials. These demonstrate the impact the service had on the client or customer.

Overcome Objections. These are testimonials that speak directly to common objections and diffuse them.

Success Stories. These are miniature case studies where people share positive outcomes and happy endings.

Though they share the common goal of reducing resistance, each type of testimonial is most effective in different circumstances.

The Right Time

If you want to defeat objections, implement testimonials that address potential resistance on your sales page.

If a prospect sees another customer had similar concerns that were overcome, it will boost their confidence that moving forward with you is a good choice.

The Right Place

Avoid old school testimonial pages.

Most people only scan websites, and few visitors make it to a testimonials page. This is why you want testimonials sprinkled throughout your site to solidify your marketing messages.

Best placement:

Homepage

Product page (think of Amazon)

Sales and landing pages

Most popular page of your site (other than your homepage)

Inside emails, newsletters, print materials, and blog posts

Right Time, Right Place In Practice

Ramit Sethi, best selling author and creator of I Will Teach You To Be Rich, is a master at strategic placement and timing. Check out how he addresses potential objections using testimonials in his email sales sequence:

By implementing the right timing and placement, you seem like a mind-reader, answering the questions and objections of your prospects, moving them one step further in your sales process.

Tip #6. The Art of the Ask

Knowing the structure and components of a good testimonial is fantastic, but it won’t matter if you don’t have any testimonials to share.

Testimonials don’t automatically come unless you ask for them or put a system in place to keep them rolling in.

Similar to sales, people get timid when it comes to asking for testimonials. They feel like they are being a nuisance. But when you deliver superb services to a client, this is a small ask.

Why not remove all friction points and make it easy for you and them?

Ramit does a good job minimizing pressure by providing a template when he asks someone for a testimonial. He understands that even though your satisfied customers want to help, they are busy, and may be plagued by blank screen syndrome. A plug-and-play template remedies that.

Another option is to simply write the testimonial yourself and ask the contact to revise it, as needed.

How to Ask for Testimonials

Ramit uses the following script to request testimonials:

Her Business gives clients a simple plug-and-play template to complete:

And this leads us to the final tip…

Tip #7. Automation Makes it Easy

Savvy entrepreneurs and business owners systemize and automate as much of the collection and writing of testimonials as possible.

So should you. Collecting testimonials should be embedded in your business.

For example, Marisa Murgatroyd has a system that gets her a steady flow of testimonials — the “ask” is embedded right into the completion of her courses.

Students provide a testimonial as part of their graduation process. This process has landed her over 700 pages of testimonials that she can use in every area of her marketing.

You don’t have to copy her exact method, of course. Every system will vary based on your particular business. The key is to take friction points away that may interfere with you getting great testimonials, and to automate as many parts of the process as possible.

It’s Time to Write Persuasive Testimonials

No matter who you are or what you do, a well-written testimonial is a powerful tool that can boost your credibility.

In this post, you learned about the proven structure of powerful testimonials, as well the essential ingredients needed to turn good testimonials into great ones.

Now it’s time to put what you learned into action.

Want to build trust with your readers? Want to boost your credibility to potential customers or clients?

Testimonials are the answer.

Go get them!

The post How to Write a Testimonial in 2020: 7 Tips (+ 9 Examples) appeared first on Smart Blogger.

from SEO and SM Tips https://smartblogger.com/how-to-write-a-testimonial/

[newedenhq]

MATEO PARKER \ SWITCH \ 27

PERSONALITY

Mateo is whoever Mateo needs to be at the moment. He’s great at reading people, meaning he has learned how to mimic a variety of different personality traits and characteristics over the years and can also figure out which might work most in his favor when interacting with someone else. Even though it’s not a topic he talks about much, he really has no idea what his actual base personality is and feels like he’s just a quilt of stitched together fragments of his fake identities. If nothing else, his natural go-to seems to be a very open and fun-loving person, impulsive to a fault and always willing to take a risk. He gives off a very high-energy vibe and only seems to slow down when he’s trying to put together at least the bare bones of a plan of the potentially illegal kind – but even then, he’s more likely to wing it if unforeseen turns arise rather than try to stick to his original plan.

BIOGRAPHY

Mateo was born into a perfectly comfortable, normal life. While being raised by his aunt may have been slightly unconventional, he was happy. They might not have been wealthy people, but his aunt did what she could to provide for him and what he didn’t have in material goods was made up for in genuine love and care. His parents, for the most part, were out of the picture. On travels, according to both his aunt and the postcards he’d occasionally receive from all over the globe. He remembers the stories his aunt told him when he was little – tales of his parents on adventures, fighting the bad people, travelling just the heroes in the books she read to him at night. As he got older, Mateo obviously realized his parents weren’t exactly the dragon slayers his aunt made them out to be but he chalked the tales up to the well-intentioned embellishments of a woman trying to explain to a small child why his parents had chosen to go on world travels in what he now understood to be aid missions rather than raise their child. He wasn’t angry – not at his aunt and not at his parents. He saw the postcards, he saw the places they went. If they were helping in those places, doing good, he couldn’t fault them for choosing the good of the masses over him. Or at least, he wasn’t angry until he was seventeen. Until then, he lived on the slightly sobered up version of his childhood fairytales, occasionally bitter about being left behind but fine. He had his aunt and he had love and support in his life. That was more than a lot of kids could say. However, one fateful day would change it all. It had been just another Tuesday when the FBI came, sirens and search warrents and all. He was to learn the truth in a stuffy interrogation room in the Louisville police department. Unsurprisingly, his parents weren’t heroes or adventurers. They hadn’t been on aid missions – they hadn’t even just been bohemian globe trotters with a really bad parenting technique. He found out in that interrogation room that his parents had been wanting for a series of crimes by the FBI for the better part of the last fifteen years. Robbery. Armed robbery. Theft. Assault. Breaking and Entering. Manslaughter. Murder. The list went on. From what he gathered, his parents had spent the past two decades stealing his way across the globe, getting more and more reckless in the process. What seemed to have started with a couple break-ins had eventually turned violent. Caring less and less about who got hurt in the process of adding to their wealth. And now they’d been identified and caught. With his entire life crumpling around him, Mateo learned that he seemed to share quite a few traits with his parents – namely, the impulsiveness and his affinity for fleeing the scene of the crime before anyone could catch up. Suddenly his childhood home felt like a theater, put up to fool him at every turn. Everything he knew was based on a lie and so he did for the first time what he’d become very good at over the next few years: he ran. Taking on his aunt’s name, he disappeared never to be seen again. Life on the street wasn’t easy, but Mateo made it work. He quickly became good at figuring out how to secure himself shelter, food, small luxuries where he could. Pick-pocketing tourists was easy enough and soon he found his way into the rounds of the shell games on the street. He didn’t always make much, but it was enough to keep him from starving – and it was enough to introduce him to people who knew more than he did. Over the following years, he learned. He came to understood what he was and wasn’t good at, how to play on his talents while working around his flaws. The skill that he turned out most proficient with was lying. Or, telling stories, to put it a little more kindly. Perhaps it was having been brought up on one, the knowledge of what it felt like to live in one or perhaps it was the desire to take that power back and prove he could be just as good of a puppeteer but he turned out with a knack of quick thinking and coming up with sometimes outlandish explanations that people still seemed to believe if he flashed just the right smile. As the years went on, Mateo moved from petty theft to survive onto bigger fish. Mostly rich people owning more than they needed and him stealing what he was sure they’d never miss. Occasionally, there’d be the odd museum or gallery, be it to add to his personal collection or because he knew it’d make a nice buck to cover him for another month or two. Of course, he was acutely aware that he’d very much taken after his parents who, as far as he knew, were still in prison at this point. But as obvious as that fact was, as strong was his determination to distance himself from them. He might be a thief, but he wasn’t a murderer. He didn’t hurt. All of his cons left his victims perfectly unharmed, perhaps suffering a wounded ego but without a physical scratch on them. He wasn’t like them. It was during one of those jobs that he took that sentiment another step further. He’d broken into the home of a rich business mogul while he was away on vacation. Originally, he’d had his sights set on some of the jewelry he’d figured out he kept in a safe in the basement. However, upon entering the home, he’d stumbled across something entirely different. A small, unassuming figurine of a giraffe. It looked like any old souvenir one might have brought home from a trip but Mateo recognized it as a stolen ivory figurine that had disappeared after a break-in at a museum in Houston many years ago. Two security-guards had been shot in the process and the giraffe never seen again. The crime would later be attributed to his parents. Mateo took it. A week later, the figurine turned up at the security guy’s desk in Houston after his lunch-break. That decision was what jump-started his current side-quest. While Mateo continues to follow his own heart and desires to keep his head above water, provide for his lifestyle and, frankly, give him that little kick of adrenaline he’s become so addicted to, he also keeps an eye out for the things his parents stole. He certainly isn’t some sort of Robin Hood and he’s well aware he’s neither a good nor a fair person – but people shouldn’t have to die for other people to grow their fortune. So, he’s taken it upon himself to return all the items that his parents took with violence to their rightful owners. Admittedly, there’s something almost as exciting about sneaking something worth hundreds of thousands of dollars into a museum as out of it. That was what brought him to New Eden about a month ago. Receiving a tip that someone in the city owned a piece that Mateo had set his sights on and deciding he’d stayed long enough in the last place anyway, he packed his stuff and got moving. Ever since, he’s lived in an unassuming little apartment, blending in with the hustle and bustle of the city and working at a nearby bar as a bartender under a fake name. After all, drunk people talk a lot, especially to their bartender. And Mateo is such a great listener.

HEADCANONS

Mateo is a history geek and, when it comes to forgery, is most proficient in forging historical artifacts, documents or anything along those lines. He’s very good at making things appear to be older than they are or figuring out just how old something is. He also has a personal collection of cuban history artifacts that he keeps at various locations and keeps adding to whenever he gets the chance.

His first instinct, even when it’s not necessary, is to lie. Since that has become such a staple just for survival, it’s become somewhat of a natural instinct. He doesn’t always act on it and does usually recognize when it is and isn’t a good idea (maybe don’t give the Starbucks guy a wrong name when you come here often enough with people who know you by a different one) but the impulse is still there. It’s what helps him think on his feet when he has to and makes him always have a creative idea up his sleeve if the situation calls for it.

[etherealellaelf]

So I just saw Cats 2019 and here are my thoughts:

(I’mma talk about the good and bad things) So I went into this movie both worried about the cursed design and also as a longtime fan of Cats: the Musical. I first watched the 1998 filmed stage production on PBS when I was a little girl, and then I revisited it when I was older and became a fan of all the colorful characters, the haunting music, and the great dance performances. It’s based on the Poetry book by T.S. Elliot “Old Possum’s book of Practical Cats”. Since it’s a poetry book, there is a problem: each poem about the cats doesn’t flow very well into a cohesive plot. So the new movie fixed that. Here are some other good things about the 2019 Cats movie: *spoilers*

(And before I start I was sitting beside an old woman who told me that she saw the very first stage production of Cats in London many years ago and she said to me in a very concerned voice after the movie was over, “It wasn’t THAT bad, was it?” I looked her in the eye and shook my head and I told her it wasn’t that bad. I didn’t lie. It was just a little bad. But my heart went out to her nostalgia.)

-Victoria is the main character now, so the audience is seeing the cats through her eyes. She’s our vehicle. That makes the songs that the cats sing introduction songs; they’re introducing themselves to us and Victoria.

-Like I said before, the plot is a lot more cohesive. The new script explains what jellicle cats are, the purpose of the jellicle ball, and who macavity is. They also added a ton of stuff, like Macavity kidnapping the other contenders to become the “Jellicle choice”, the cat that the leader will choose to be reborn(like, cats have 9 lives? It’s a bit weird, just go with it), because he wants to be chosen. Macavity didn’t really do this in the old one, this cements him as the villain. Also other cats like mungojerry and rumpleteazer and bombalurina are helping macavity. 

-I have mixed feelings that Grizabella is being shunned because she used to work for Macavity. It does give the other cats a better reason to hate her, but they don’t hate mungojerry and stuff. I’ll talk about that later.

-These new additions to the story made it a lot more palatable, but at the same time I like the old version as well. They’re both good. This one is just a lot more cohesive.

-All of the ballerinas, dancers, and singers were really good, and the acting was pretty good too, for people pretending to be cats. I thought taylor swift’s rendition of “macavity” was really good, and they brought a new facet to her character and the odious nature of the song, as it’s now a villain song and she is a villain.

-Tom Hooper as director. I really liked his style in Les Mis, and I guess it kind of worked here.  (Also I love you so much Tom Hooper I feel bad that this movie did so badly because I want you to succeed, you have a great style and vision and it really worked for Les Mis.)

-They left out that awkward *scene*. You know the one. The o-r-g-y scene. Good on them. Thank you. I read somewhere that it was there, but when I watched the movie, it was not there. I’m confused by some reviews saying it was there. It wasn’t there?!?!?!

Now let’s talk about what I didn’t like.

-The “cursed” design. Clearly everyone agrees with me about this. I forgot about it within the first ten minutes of watching. I really liked the look of Old Deuterotomy, who was a very fluffy, long-haired cat. That’s what made the old designs from the musical so memorable: the wigs were really big and poofy and the leg and arm warmers looked like fuzzy cat legs. The floofiness gave them character. Making all the cats shorthaired just made them look pretty naked, and I know they did this to accentuate the line of dance(it’s why dancers wear tight clothes), but they should have had fluffier cheeks, fluffier heads, and fluffier limbs. That would’ve prevented all the naked-looking cats. I understand the animators wanted to try something new, but they should’ve taken a page out of Sonic the Hedgehog movie’s book and redesigned.

-They totally changed Mungojerry and rumpleteazer’s song! It used to be a vaudeville production and it was so mischievous and fun. Now it just doesn’t have much tune. 

-They cut the Pekes and the Pollicles, the song where the cats are making fun of how clumsy dogs are. But I suppose it’s probably for the best. Lots of people like dogs nowadays. 

-Grizabella getting shunned because she used to work for Macavity??? The integral part of her character is just that she’s old. They should have made the Jennifer Hudson cat look a lot older, with greying fur and hair and stuff. The other cats shun Grizabella because she’s a reminder that they will die one day and she used to be beautiful and wonderful like them, once. It’s a big part of their character and despite them trying to explain and gloss over why everyone hates her, my friend who’s never seen cats was still confused. I wish they hadn’t said she worked for Macavity, but at this point it’s canon so who am I to question it.

-They totally cut Munkustrap and Macavity’s fight. 

-Although they cut out the weird scene, there was a really strange scene where all the cat’s tails quivered in the moonlight and they started just acting so strange. Then suddenly everyone started dancing! I could’ve done without the tail quivering.

-The cockroaches and at times, the mice, with their human faces, were a bit weird. Especially when Rebel Wilson ate some of the cockroaches. Also a bit weird was when she unzipped her skin, but it’s fine, she did that in the stage version, too.

-The Rum Tum Tugger did not need to catch Victoria’s foot the way he did, as it was really close to his mouth and it was just a really weird decision. 

-I’m sorry, but when the Cats rubbed their heads against each other’s heads, it was a bit weird. In the stage production, head rubbing is done very fast. It’s over with. It’s done. In this one they lingered and stared a lot. I guess real cats do that. But anyway. It’s whatever.

-Some cats wore clothes and took them off at points as well while other cats did not wear clothes. I think it actually was good that the train cat wore suspenders and the fat cat, Bustopher Jones, wore a top hat and evening jacket. It was charming for them. I don’t think Idris Elba’s fedora and trench coat needed to come off of his body at all. He should’ve kept them on. Just make his ears poke out of his hat or something. He totally looked naked.

-”Jellicle” is a weird word. There is a jiggly sound associated with it.

-The opening orchestral music is, at times, hit or miss. I personally like it because it sounds eerie and strange, sinuous and slithery, like how a cat do. It can come across as creepy though, especially during the song “The Naming of Cats”. In the stage production I can’t really watch because those cats all, as one, look at the audience, staring into my soul, and chant the song in one voice, and then they advance on the audience and it’s creepy but I guess it’s interesting. Idk how to convey in words. I am glad they cut that particular element about that song from the movie. 

Okay, now I’m going to address people who won’t give it a shot:

-Give it a shot. You forget about how they look like ten minutes into the movie. If you think about it as an arthouse film about dancers pretending to be cats, then it is enjoyable. 

-There was a lot of time, money, talent, and effort put into this production. All the ballerinas and other dancers are very passionate about their performance and it shows. 

-The animators for this movie were only given 7 months to model and do special effects for every single character on this movie, and there are hundreds of cats. Toy Story worked on its movie for 4 years. So I guess it’s easy to accuse the animators, but they were just doing their jobs; they weren’t given a lot of time to make the designs look fantastic, and they couldn’t deviate from what their art directors told them to do. I’m sure that some of them wanted to do the stage makeup and hair and whatnot, but you have to remember; the actors and director had no idea what the finished product would look like. Don’t blame them.

-Let’s just face it: Cats is a really weird concept to begin with. Andrew Lloyd Weber had some good ideas, like Phantom of the Opera, and he had kind of strange ideas, like Cats. It was really popular in the 70′s because the play has music that is very 50′s themed(note the malt shoppe that is a milk bar in the movie and Rum Tum Tugger is supposed to be like an Elvis character) and 20′s themed(the vaudeville Mungojerry, Rumpleteazer, and Macavity themes), so in its time, this show was a lot like Stranger Things for us. It was a nostalgia trip. And even amongst theater fans, there is a tiny niche who love Cats. This is not a huge fanbase. I liked it by accident, stumbling upon it by coincidence. I don’t understand why they put so much money into it knowing this. They should’ve cast much smaller celebrities and advertised much smaller, but we all know that Andrew Lloyd Weber is Mr. Moneybags and Mr. Outlandish, so of course he wanted to attract a younger fanbase to keep the spirit going for years to come. I, as a dance and musical fan, liked the stage production. I think if you’re willing to overlook the cringe, how a lot of the cats wear clothes and others don’t, and Idris Elba’s neon green contacts, you could like it. I don’t know. I’m not you. I just think this movie was made for certain people who like the old version of Cats, and they should’ve marketed it to them, and the reason why they tanked so hard is because they didn’t. They should’ve put them in stage costume and makeup and only CGI’ed some things.

-Maybe it would’ve worked better as an animated movie, where the designs for the cats was simply a cat who does ballet. It worked for the stage production because we used our imagination and we thought they were cats with emotions, personalities, attitudes. I think if you squint you can imagine this on this movie as well. But the thing is there was just too much backlash and nobody wanted to see it. Fame is dictated by social media these days, and if they meme you, you’re done. There’s really nothing you can do.

-The moral of the story is maybe see it, but if you don’t want to, don’t. But keep in mind Cats isn’t for everyone. It’s only for people who liked the Cats musical. So if you did, great, if you don’t, then you don’t have to see it.

[storyunrelated]

Short Stories

For a given value of ‘short’, seeing as how most people’s definition of a short story is about 5k up to 10k (roughly) while mine is lucky to reach two thousand. But! That’s variety for you, eh? We’re all different? Etc?

Anyway.

These are the ones I’ve put up on here. You’ll notice I don’t do that anymore. The reason – to myself at least – is the ever-lurking notion that one day I might parcel a bunch of these up together and do something fancy with them. Unlikely, but the thought keeps me up at night sometimes. If only because of the work that would be involved.

Speaking of which, I do sometimes also consider parceling up all of these ones into an e-book or something (the ‘Money for Old Rope’ collection I’ve mentioned previously).

This would require work too, as these below are peppered with typos and poor structure. This is because I don’t proofread.

Because I don’t CARE.

(I had to put them below this line because there’s a lot of them and I can’t in good conscience do that to your dashes. Of course, this now means that no-one will look but, you know, swings and roundabouts.)

Unwanted Advances – The logic of online pornographic robots is even more obtuse when they appear in real life, at your front door. Who’d be stupid enough to fall for that? 

An Interview With… - Something I wrote for a contest thingy with a local writing group. Didn’t win, obviously. It’s about an interview, obviously. Someone trying to make a big break in the blogosphere by talking with something they found in the garden. In a chasm. 

Just A Touch – For a refreshing change, believe what a conspiracy theorist believes for a little bit. Only recreationally, you understand. Just a taste. 

In The Loop – A very childish game, played with the very real possibility of horrible consequences should you fail. The thing behind you won’t do wonders for your concentration. 

Soothe Me – Sometimes, while doing horrible things for what they think is a good reason, a person might suffer a bout of introspection and wonder whether murder and horror is the right thing to be doing. Luckily, there’s usually someone on hand to explain why being a monster is fine.

Cupcake – There’s a hole in my bathroom wall and out of this hole extends an arm. Me and the arm are buddies, and a cupcake seems a good way of expressing this.

Checklist – What’s keeping you here?

Rollover – Even as your efforts come to nothing and you wither away to dust know that the trying will never stop.

Immovable Object – The next stage in unskippable advertisements (obviously the best form of advertisements) is something rather more difficult to ignore.

Oh What’s New? – Networking is very important! It’s all about who you know! So go in there and try to make some connections! What’s the worst that can happen? Really?

Get Hammered – You’re special, but special doesn’t fit. Don’t worry. You can be made to fit. (And later when you see someone else lauded for not fitting, don’t complain; no-one likes bitterness).

Open Platform – It’s important to let people speak their piece, but it’s equally important to recognise that what some people want to say is nothing but toxic.

Ga-Ga, Goo-Goo – The world is a scary place, isn’t it? So many bad things happening! All so complicated! No solutions without drawbacks! Problems on top of problems with no end in sight! Wouldn’t it be better if you could just divest yourself of responsibility and press yourself to the bosom of someone big and strong who’ll stroke your hair and tell you who’s to blame? Good news!

By The Book – Pick the beliefs that best reflect yours, rather than having to adjust your view to conform to something else – where’s the fun in that? Show me which book lets me hate the people I already hate and let’s get going!

Stay The Course – Support the tyrant to the hilt! Until they do something that directly impacts you, at which point you should bawl your lungs out about how unfair it is.

Old Songs – I thing I wrote out by hand (writing club, again) and then transposed. A man who can fix things by singing to them, obviously. Old songs have power, you see?

Sit Comfortably – What starts as an unusual job interview goes in an unforeseen direction. Specifically underground. Where there are spiders. More spiders, rather. (This story has a lot of spiders).

Things Are Grim – A dystopian broadcast to tell the populace something they already know for no good reason. You never know when an audience who doesn’t know how the future works might be watching, after all.

Tabula Rasa – The Book is very important, but you are not allowed to read it.

Reaper of Souls – A being of immense power watches over the city, guarding it from necromantic mischief. It also likes fanfiction and knows the importance of leaving feedback.

Out The Door – A man makes things and the two others that live with him have differing opinions on what he should do with them once they’re done. Do you improve them first, or do you move on? Ultimately, who even cares?

My Violent Heart – Using machines to turn people into soulless drones so they work without complaint seemed like such a good idea at the time.

Tinted – Goggles that allow you to see the world not as it is, but as you think it should be.

Sanded Down – You only have so much sand in your life and how you use it is very important. But using it is far more important than hoarding it. After all, even if you do something badly at least you’ve done something…

Misshapen – Looking at what everyone else is doing, it seems easy enough to replicate. Right? Right?

For Your Own Good – “Unhand that phallus!” and with that cry is the crime of male masturbation rudely interrupted. But it’s entirely altruistic – that’s spinal fluid, that is!

Flensed – Every month you’re renewed and every months you’re stripped to nothing once more. This horrible process happens without fail and it does not get any easier.

Southern Pole – How else should you define yourself except by how you are not like someone else?

Interloper – You don’t belong here.

Tannin Salon – The best tea in the world? Why, the nectar of the Teabeast of course! Getting it is a bit of a pain, naturally, but that’s all part of the allure!

Well Off – Someone’s been put at the bottom of the well, and someone at the top has a vested interest in this staying that way.

Machinegun Man – A long way from home, in the rain, only a gun for company.

Extra-Curricular – An ovoid in class provides answers the teacher cannot bear to hear.

Little Shop Of Sandwiches – A dusty, quiet little sandwich shop that sells lunchtime snacks the likes of which few have ever seen. The likes fewer still have eaten!

Start The Clock – The time between you starting a conversation and it all falling apart horribly because you’re an awkward mess is always smaller than you think. Clock’s ticking!

Rote – It might feel like you’re doing the same thing over and over (and over) again, but somehow from the outside everyone seems to think you’re all over the place.

Push On – Success can be yours! Look at all these other people! They succeeded. You can too! Just keep going! No matter how had it gets.

Excision – In the future, love is to be outlawed! No-one is really clear as to why, however.

Consult A Doctor – If you experience an erection that kills you, you should probably get that checked out.

Object of Disputation – A child tries to make something nice for their parents but everyone else has an opinion on what it actually is.

Catch Of The Slate Sea – A man on a cliff watches a big ship catch a big fish.

Faceless – We wear many faces in life, acquiring new ones as we grow and as we encounter those who dislike what faces we have already. It can be so hard to keep track of who you were to start with. Then again, were you ever anyone?

Slice And Dice – A man invents a superior method of killing that which is reluctant to die.

We Care A Lot – There are those that are paid to be professionally unpleasant in very public places. Eventually, machines displace all jobs held by persons – such unpleasant people aren’t as safe as they think.

Taste Test – Blended down, is there any real difference between these two people? A focus group shall decide!

Limit Break – Be nice enough and it’s inevitable

Three-Way – Just because what you believe also happens to be what’s best for society doesn’t mean you’re biased or myopic. You’re just sensible! It’s everyone else with the problem.

Better Than – How far would people go to avoid something horrible happening? Often, far enough that they’ll inflict something far worse and fail to see the irony. That’s irony! Is it? Maybe.

Infantalise – Casting men is easy! There’s no upper limit. Women (girls, sorry)? That’s another story! They get old so quickly! And who wants that? We have to go younger. Much, much younger. No, younger than that!

Material – Where do these journalists get these outlandish tales? Out of thin air, obviously.

Barred And Shuttered – Life is full of opportunities! Just not for you. A lifetime of closed doors. Have fun!

So Delicate. So Fragile – A man births an opinion! He’s surprised, but knows he must protect it from everything and everyone. Exposure is lethal to an opinion! It might become something else.

Mother Of Invention – Every new weapon invented is touted as the last one, the one horrible enough to turn mankind off war forever. Eventually that’s got to bear fruit. Surely.

All That’s Fit To Protect – Wrapped in lies, the truth of harm is simply deflected.

Abstinent Without Leave – What’s the best way of ensuring The Youth is not banging away like an outhouse door? Education, trust and respect? No! Ignorance!

Great Hunt – The girl is gorgeous and her father is unusual. A boy is invited to the house of the most popular, wonderful girl at school, though he knows not why. He also doesn’t know why all these other guys have been invited, either.

Nothing To Hide – If you’re not thinking anything bad then you won’t mind having your head smashed and your thoughts poked at, right?

The Perfect Model – The human body is disgusting but we’re forced to hang clothes on it so we must find the best example for this. Why must women insist on having MASS?

Lead Balloon – Trapped in an office a man yearns to run off with the nice lady from across the room. Does it end well? Take a guess.

Four Guys – The best burger you might ever encounter! But at what cost?

By His Own Hand – A man is desperate to leave a mark and to leave life on his own terms.

Somebody Cares – Someone trying to put a comforting, supportive voice into his head does it wrong and regrets his decision. His method of removing the voice might perhaps be going a bit far.

Restructure – Journalists are obsolete. We feed a monster now.

Magic Eye – What’s obvious to everyone is not so obvious to this one guy.

Rod For His Own Back – Watch what you say, or else you may find your words used against you.

Bad Boss – Not everyone is cut out to be an evil overlord.

La-La-La – If you ignore a problem like everyone’s legs turning invisible then it’ll probably just go away.

Inner Glow – Scooping out his insides and replacing them with hot coals.

You May Find This Relevant To Your Situation – Truffling for potatoes in a lake of shit.

The Door Opens and Let’s the Future In - Nigel mustn’t touch the door. The future is on the other side.

Writing Is The Wall - Waking up to find a huge wall has cut their bedroom in half. It says something, but they don’t see it. You will.

Hoops - Life is a series of hoops, and each one matters until you jump it, then you find out it didn’t.

Flat - A man finds out something about his partner he should have noticed before.

Secret Techniques - They make tea differently in this office.

Dancing in the Dark - Do what you enjoy, no matter the audience.

Close Observation - It’s nice to be watched, but it’s not happening.

Slug - The people who run the world are beaten to the punch.

We Have to Go Deeper - Layers of suffering lie beneath your feet, and further still beneath those.

Exegesis - Feel free to bring your own meaning to the book, but disagree with me at your peril. Your soul is at stake.

Square Cube - Weaponising physics to kill kaiju

Irresistible - A court-case segues into just raving about how poorly-handled sexual assault cases are. So, uh, enjoy that.

Smoke - Newspapers spew enough nonsense that it stops working.

The Dick Heard Around the World - A man sends a picture of his penis to a woman. It works too well.

Driving Home for Christmas - I look at the driver next to me. He’s just the same.

Hangers On - Saying the wrong thing can attract unwanted attention.

Bottled Up - A man in a cave puts stories in bottles. No-one cares.

Little Furnace - Curiosity burns bright in the human breast, which can end badly if mishandled.

Pecking Order - The worse a tenant you are, the higher you are placed in the building.

Waiting Around - There are those who sit and wait for opportunity to fall into their laps

Hazy - A man loses himself.