#it feels weird to do anything solely for me that’s more significant than getting something tasty to eat

[tgmsunmontue]

Saga of Solitude 5/?

Nepo!Baby Bradley and his life at USNA and afterwards. DADT fully in force. IceMav AU. (Begun prior to 'It's not who you know' - the non-angsty version).

PROLOGUE (He remembers)

HANGSTER FIRST MEETING (Lonely Nights - set 2009)

Updating ~weekly (longer chapters).

PREVIOUS CHAPTERS

ONE (2000) TWO (2001) THREE (2002) FOUR (2003)

CHAPTER FIVE – 2004

              He spends three weeks in a submarine and it helps cement his decision to attend flight school, if they accept his application. There is of course the natural competition between everyone, it’s simply how they function, each striving to be better, make those around them better, but also support them and drag them through it if they have to. His third year at USNA wraps up and he’s facing his summer break. The entire year has gone well, no terrorist attacks, although there is definite heightened security since.

              The routine is easy now, he’s an upperclassman, has Natasha and then a smaller circle of people he considers friends, if nothing close to what he has with Natasha. He’s aware that a significant chunk of upperclassmen think that he and Natasha are together, and the one time he checks in with her about whether she’s okay with that she’d just shrugged and said it had stopped the guys expecting her to pay any of them attention. No one asks, and they never correct anyone. When they head out to have leave together no one bats an eye. When they mention having spent some of the previous summer together it’s the same.

              He finds out why Natasha doesn’t talk to her family. Teenage pregnancy. She’d refused to get married to the guy, someone she won’t even tall Bradley the name of, and the shame of either the pregnancy, or their daughter not obeying them, they’d kicked her out. Her application with USNA had already been accepted, her place guaranteed and Bradley doesn’t need to ask to realize what her decision must have been. He briefly feels awful about introducing Tamsin and Petra to her, but she seems to take great joy in chatting to them on the phone and drawing and sending them pictures, so he lets that guilt melt away.

              They’ve both been asked to return to USNA and assist as upperclassmen for Plebe Summer, something he feels immense pride in, glad to have made a good enough impression that he’s being held up as a role model to the new recruits. Of course it makes their leave almost non-existent and they decide to spend it together, which he knows will only fuel rumors that they’re a couple. They go to San Francisco for five days at the start of their leave, and he finally gets to meet Natasha’s sole family member that has anything to do with her, and the way his eyes travel up Bradley’s body leave him blushing furiously. That he’s hot doesn’t help at all.

              “Oh, it is nice to meet you,” Christopher says, shaking his hand and Bradley looks to Natasha with a raised eyebrow and she’s just shaking her head.

              “Nice to meet you too. Bradley.”

              “Mmm. I have heard a lot about you. She didn’t ever mention just how delightful you looked.”

              “Because to me, he isn’t very delightful to look at. There are nicer views.”

              “Hey!” Bradley objects, out of principle more than anything, and Natasha is already cackling and pushing past Christopher with her bags but Christopher is looking at him seriously, completely different to the over-the-top flirtation of a moment ago.

              “Oh my god. You’re…” Christopher makes a limp-wrist gesture which sends Bradley’s eyebrows up in surprise.

              “Uh. Don’t ask don’t tell…” he says, throat tight, wondering where the fuck Natasha has gone.

              “Oh honey, I am not part of your weird cultish military shit. And I wasn’t asking, I was confirming. Holy shit. No wonder Tadpole likes you so much.”

              “Tadpole?”

              “Shut up!” Natasha calls out and Bradley grins.

              “I’ll tell you the story later,” Christopher says, voice low and conspiratory and Bradley nods, hitching his bag over his shoulder. Christopher jerks his head toward where Natasha can be heard grumbling. “Sorry, only got the one guest room. She’s already claimed the bed probably, so you’re on an air mattress.”

              “That’s fine, not the worst place I’ve slept by far.”

              “You’re my guest, I’d like to hope not. I’ll let you guys get settled then we can head out and find some food.”

              He leaves Bradley at the door and Natasha is smirking at him.

              “You couldn’t have told me?” he asks, voice barely above a whisper.

              “Sorry, his sexuality isn’t exactly something I drop into casual conversation. We’re at USNA remember. Repression is being ingrained into us.”

              “Okay, would you hate me if I asked him out?”

              “No. But his boyfriend might.”

              “Oh. Yeah. Okay.”

              “They can take you clubbing. I’m sure you’ll find ways of enjoying yourself here.”

              She’s right, and she’s smug about it. During the days they do touristy things and just spend time relaxing, occasionally working out. In the evenings Christopher and his boyfriend Patrick take them dancing or clubbing. Natasha comes along once, but then tells them she doesn’t want to sit around getting hit on by anyone so instead either goes to the movies or stays at Christopher’s apartment.

              He’s spent previous weeks on leave in New York, having sex with strangers, but this is a completely different experience. One he’s not going to forget in a hurry. For a start he has never had so much sex in such a short period of time, and it’s good sex, the guys that Christopher sends his way clearly more experienced and keen to give him good experiences or teach him how to give better blow jobs. It’s like each of the guys has undergone a screening process, and when one slips that he’s an ex of Patrick’s he realizes that maybe they have been. He can’t bring himself to care, not when he’ benefitting and enjoying it all.

…           …           …

              They get to Ice’s house and there’s a welcome home party and he can’t believe how big Tamsin and Petra have grown. It’s a vastly different experience to their brief time in San Fransisco but he’s glad they have two weeks and Natasha seems to take her role as surrogate big sister seriously, the four of them watching movies, or lying around with slices of cucumber over their eyes. Sarah snaps a picture of them like that, gets it printed and gives copies to both him and Natasha, along with a pile of other photos she’s taken while they’ve been staying.

              Of course, his birthday comes and he’s twenty-one. Maverick hands over an envelope and a key and he looks at it blankly.

              “What’s this?”

              “The deed to the house. It’s to go to you on your twenty-first birthday.”

              “But… what am I going to do with a house?”

              “Live in it?”

              “But… I’ll be deployed or away…”

              “Bradley, it’s the house your parents bought. What you do with it is up to you. I’d like to still live there of course…”

              “Of course! I mean, if you’re not moving in with Ice, then of course you can stay there. It’s just… nothing has to change right? It’s just a piece of paper?”

              “It’s just a piece of paper. And we’ll help navigate any legal stuff. And we won’t be moving in together any time soon,” Ice states, voice soft, but his expression is sad and Bradley wishes things were different.

…           …           …

              Tom wants to wrap himself around Maverick and never let him go. The amount he’s been away on deployment makes every moment they have together even more precious, and he’s starting to second guess his own rules, even if they’ve kept them both safe. He has two kids and an ex-wife which is a damned good cover, even if his best friend comes and stays frequently. He isn’t telling anyone that doesn’t already know, and no one is asking him, even if they have their suspicions.

              He hates the fact that Pete is now effectively homeless, not that Bradley would ever kick him out of the house, but Tom wants him to have somewhere that is his, and maybe not his alone, but something that would just light Pete up from the inside. The way flying does. He pauses mid-thought and thinks back to a couple of years ago, the Beechcraft and the airstrip, Mav taking Bradley up in the air. Huh. Not a plane, not yet, but there were hangars out there. And a hangar beside an airstrip is probably somewhere Pete would consider living if he thought it was a legitimate option. Not that he himself would want to live beside an airstrip, but this isn’t about him.

              He makes a few calls. Then a few more calls. He’s got to consider leases, and taxes and whether it might just make more sense to rent. He doesn’t want to rent though, wants to make some sort of large gesture and present it as a fait accompli that gives Maverick no wiggle-room to turn it down. He feels pretty confident it wouldn’t be turned away regardless, unless Mav was feeling particularly difficult on the day. Then he gets a call, someone had heard he was looking, and it’s an old Navy hangar, located at the very same airstrip and it feels serendipitous and he agrees to come out and have a look.

…           …           …

              Of course, with how much mentoring he’s doing with the Plebes come the questions, and he remembers his conversation with Ice, a couple of years ago now. When they ask him questions about his parents he simply pulls a face and shakes his head, ignores his own peers, fellow Firsts, who he can see from the corner of his eye who were shaking their heads at the Plebes, trying to stop them from simply asking.

              “My dad was a naval aviator who died in a Top Gun training incident in eighty-six and my mom died of cancer in ninety-four. I was raised by my step-father after that. Any other awkward questions you want answers to?”

              It’s probably why they never ask him or Natasha anything, and another First slaps the Plebe on the back, mutters I tried to warn you off asking but he doesn’t feel upset about it at all. It’s not at all a lie, even if his step-father would be here in a heartbeat if Bradley needed him to be. He knows that both Ice and Mav intend to attend his graduation in formal roles, and while they might night get to acknowledge their roles with each other in such a formal setting he doesn’t care. They want to be there and they’re planning to be there, special leave already requested and granted long ago, considering they’ll be in uniform.

              He and Natasha both work hard, both at their studies and also on their physical fitness. Their applications for flight school were submitted months ago, he really wants to go with her, can’t imagine not going without her. They’re both consistently in the top two or five percent, which he knows bodes well for them. Knows that their involvement with extra curriculars and being friendly with pretty much everyone has them well liked and respected. He just has to be patient and wait.

…           …           …

              They both look at the envelopes, slapping them on empty palms. They look identical, but unlike his USNA acceptance letter, this is a single piece of paper and it could be flight school acceptance, or a decline.

              “On the count of three?” Natasha asks and Bradley admires her courage.

              “Yeah. Three.”

              They rip them open.

…           …           …

              “I knew it!” Maverick screams, his joy palpable through the phone for their Saturday afternoon call. “Ice! Ice! He got in! Hold on, let me put you on speaker…”

              “Of course he did… well done Bradley. Congratulations.”

              He blows out a long breath, because he’s glad they have seemingly unshakeable confidence in his abilities. God, he never wants to disappoint them.

              “Thanks. Natasha got in as well.”

              “She’s a very capable young woman. Proud of you both. Please pass that on to her.”

              “Yeah, thanks. I will.”

              “Yeah, we’re both very proud. You can go back to work now. I’m going to go outside and talk to my godson…”

              He hears Ice mutter something in the background, not clear enough to make out, but then Mav is telling him off for rolling his eyes and he can just imagine what he said, the gentle laughter between them and he can’t help but smile.

              “So. did Ice tell you he bought me a hangar?”

              “He did what?” Bradley asks, because such a move seems like something Mav would make, rather than Ice.

              “He bought me a hangar. Said that I was obviously always welcome wherever he was, but that he knew I needed my own place and that I now had a space for the plane I’ve been eyeing up.”

              “You’ve been eying up a plane? Wait. A hangar. For you to live in? What about the house? You aren’t moving out are you?”

              “No. Of course not. But I’m going to be there as often as you are, probably less considering Ice has become a lot more, uh, relaxed about his stupid sleepover rules. The hangar isn’t currently habitable anyway. But there’s this P-51 Mustang I’ve been looking at. It’s beautiful.”

              “He proposed to you with an aircraft hangar. Oh my god, that’s so… romantic and practical of him.”

              “He didn’t propose.”

              “Mav. If a guy bought me an aircraft hangar what would you think about the guy?”

              “That he was crazy in love with you, and utterly committed… oh shit. I’ll call you back.”

              He is not surprised when he doesn’t get called back.

…           …           …

              He hadn’t expected it.

              They hadn’t warned him.

              The emotions of the day, coupled with the fact that they’d asked every single member of the 1986 Top Gun class there, along with a few other friends of both his parents. He clearly has the biggest cheering section and he feels like a mess inside, although outwardly he’s all smiles and calm togetherness. Four years of training helps with that at least. Ice and Mav are both up on the stage, part of the VIP section, along with several others who are still serving, and he recognizes them from his birthday a couple of years ago.

              “Did you know they were all going to be here?” Natasha asks, and he shakes his head, throat working against the tightness of his collar.

              There are photos, Ice agreeing to so many photos with newly minted graduates and Bradley lets them all go, fights his way through the crowds to find Mav. He and Ice can stage photos later, there will always be times when they’re in uniform. Just the fact that they’re here is more than enough and he’s so happy that he has had them supporting him every step of the way.

              “Captain Mitchell.”

              “Midshipman Bradshaw. Congratulations. Your father would be very proud. I flew with him you know?”

              Bradley blinks.

              Blinks again.

              Hopes his internal dialogue somehow is being telepathically beamed into Mav’s head.

              You are such a dick. Hopefully his expression does enough to convey his exasperation.

              “Really? I didn’t know that sir.”

              Mav gives him a shit-eating grin and Bradley wishes Ice were there to hit him around the head. Not that he would, not in this setting, but damn he sees why he’s always so tempted.

              “I’m going to have a photo with all the graduates who are going to be heading off to Corpus Christi for flight school. I think they want us over there.”

              It’s chaos. Positive and energetic happiness with everyone feeling the sense that they’re about to begin their careers, that they’ve made it through what is meant to be the hardest part, even if Bradley secretly thinks flight school might be even more challenging, it’s only for eighteen months. He manages to get photos with Maverick, Natasha and Ice and nearly every available combination. Then there are photos with the 1986 class, and he ignores the fact that several of the other men seem to shed a tear.

              Then it’s dispersing, the crowd thinning and families are gathering, taking more photos and he can see Sarah pushing through, the hands of Tamsin and Petra clasped and he grins, starts heading toward them, already thinking that Tamsin has grown a couple of inches, can see both his sisters pulling Sarah toward them before she decides to let them go.

              “Natasha! Natasha!” Petra screams, and she’s running across the quad, hair streaming behind her with gold and navy ribbons mixed in, running past him and Natasha is grinning broadly, bending down to swoop Petra up in a hug. Bradley stands back up from where he’d been just about to scoop her up himself before she’d breezed past him.

              “Wow,” he says to Sarah as she comes to a stop to stand beside him.

              “Hurts doesn’t it?” Sarah says, not really asking and Bradley nods, murmuring a quiet yeah under his breath. He doesn’t begrudge Natasha the joy and love of his sisters, love isn’t in finite supply, it’s just a little hurtful to not even warrant a hello. He has to remind himself that Petra is only seven.

              “I love you Bradley,” Tamsin says, arms coming around his waist to give him a hug, as if she can tell how he’s feeling and he hugs her back.

              “Love you too Tam.”

              “You’re dressed up all fancy like Daddy and Papa.”

              “Yeah. You look pretty fancy in your dress too. Is that new?”

              “Yep. Mom bought is especially for today!”

              “We can look fancy together.”

              “Congratulations Bradley, we’re all very proud of you.”

              “Thanks.”

              “Are you proud of me? I go to school too,” Tamsin says, and Sarah looks heavenward and Bradley wonders if she’s been fielding questions like this for a while.

              “I’m proud of you, going to school can be really hard work somedays,” Bradley says.            

              “Daddy!” Tamsin says, and then Ice is there, pressing his cheek against Sarah’s in greeting and nodding at Bradley again.

              “Bradley! Up!” Petra demands, appearing at his side and Natasha is grinning.

              “Hello to you too Miss Petra, happy to be of service.”

              There are a few people doing a double take as they see who he is standing with, who he is clearly family with, but he cares less now. He’s finished here, no one can claim he played any favoritism card. He knows flight school will be different, wants to be in the air as soon as possible.

              He can’t wait.

CHAPTER SIX (2005)

[thewickedbohemian]

Thoughts on what was ACTUALLY the Found mid-season finale (last episode really felt like it)

Whether or not you think there's anything romantic between Sir and Gabi (I don't, I think in her mind there's just anger and in his he sees it as more (pardon my reference to a paranormal show for a realistic-fiction one) a Giles/Buffy sort of thing), the narrative sure likes to either play chicken with it or try to have it both ways (as yeah there was all the more mentor/father-figure-y implications but the bit with the notebook heart was readable as him thinking she had feelings for him)

Speaking of romantic imagery surrounding them regardless of the romantic relationship, between her background and brains, the connection he feels, and him luring her in with a library full of classics, does Sir think this is Beauty And The Beast or something?

(not fully just because of the specific tactic the therapist was trying) Margaret at the therapist giving me mad Diana Goodman from Next To Normal energy

Especially since we know there will be a S2 where does the narrative go from here given the cliffhanger, y'know, how is her call not going to mean what we think or how is the formula going to change in a way that makes this more than just "a normal procedural with a case theme"

If come S2 Sir is still a major player (and I feel like he has to be not just because of setup but because there's things about the past we haven't seen in flashbacks like it's barely touched on Lacey even though presumably she was still there for a significant amount of time) I want the S2 trailers to have as their background music some kind of creepy (music-box, minor-key, or slowed-down-in-the-same-way-as-Lana-Del-Rey's-Once-Upon-A-Dream-cover as long as it has lyrics) cover of "To Sir With Love" by Lulu

Despite last episode feeling like a mid-season-finale case this one still did in a different way as everyone (even including Sir if he unofficially counts) had some way to be emotionally connected and/or was doing some serious grade-A projecting of their own perspective onto some player in the case

It's not just the flashbacks but I feel like even the present-day narrative apart from episode 2 and the end of last episode (and therefore kind of the fandom) has kind of glossed over Lacey and no wonder people on one of the subs were comparing her to those interchangeable Law & Order SVU DA ladies or w/e that seemingly narratively exist solely to tell Olivia what she's doing is wrong and get shot down by her when the narrative though acknowledging Lacey does have trauma just kinda lets everyone else bounce theirs off her

Regardless of if Sir has any mental illness/neurodivergence (as despite what my mom thinks I doubt it's all just childhood trauma underlying why his mind goes those places), dude's metaphorically got no theory of mind. It's not just in the flashbacks with how he assumes connection not in evidence from his and Gabi's shared intellect and tragic/chaotic background (and btw if any weird mental crap he has explains his fixation I think it's less anything that could have a romantic/sexual component and more a BPD-esque favorite person thing and that's the way she took the place of the woman he met as a kid in his mind) but even when he's attempting to help her with her investigations he has a tendency to assume things about the mind or character of victims or suspects based on his experience (either of his own mind or how he views the world)

[dearweirdme]

Responding to munlee298's comment, yes I do suspect there's more to Taekook for the same reasons as others here ...namely their subconcious physical closeness, that they seem to have more knowledge of each others daily lives and more significantly, the weird way bighit treats them and how t/kook sometimes respond to it (someone else called it smug and defiant or something like that).

I want to highlight the word suspect though because I could never say for certain until or if they confirm something. My belief is based on my own interpretation of the behaviors and body language I see and my own experience in relationships.

I'm not a keen shipper. Like I don't write or read fanfiction or consume fan art or watch videos or anything. Shipping as it applies to me is just having a feeling that there's something more there based on what I see and sometimes I will look up and see if there's any new discourse on the matter.

Having said that, there are a lot of manipulators in shipping fandoms and Taekook is no exception. A lot of moments are just as highly exagerrated or ascribed meaning that just isn't there. The video edits are almost 90% nonsense and there's a reason why a lot don't link the full, normal speed clips of these moments they slow down to a cheesy music background.

If you were to ship solely based on that and then watch those episodes or moments played out normally, you would likely feel you'd been roped into a con.

So I believe in the ship but just don't trust a lot ofnthe shippers because I believe a lot of ordinary moments are blown up.

Like I didn't understand the fuss about Jeongguk sitting on Taehyung's lap on stage and why I still see pics of it used as proof that t/kook is real or (more disgustingly) I see it sexualised.

To me, that was just normal skinship, perhaps a bit of light fanservice, because we've seen other members of Bangtan that close. We've seen Jeongguk sitting on Yoongi's lap, then Taehyung sitting on Jeongguk's lap in the same moment.

So that's a moment that has precedence in the group as just normal skinship. Where something like Jeongguk and Taehyung out maneuvering staff to get to each other or the pictures of them being attached at the hip and at times, distanced as a pair from the rest of the group or the complete breaching of personal boundaries on a consistent, unconscious level---those are things that appear significant to T/kook as a pair.

If their relationship with the other members weren't also extraordinarily close then I would be tempted to perhaps play off T/kooks closeness as just a very strong friendship and them bonding to a more extreme level due to a lack of closeness with the rest the group but we all know that's not the case.

We've seen examples of extremely close friendship between other members, we've seen even a paternal types of relationship with Seokjin and Jeongguk and Taehyung and Namjoon, we've seen a self described deeper level of friendship between Taehyung and Jimin so what is that leads to those pictures of T/kook often being a little apart from the others? For them feeling familiar and less concerned with personal boundaries than the others? That has staff separating them, or them looking defiantly at the idea of keeping them apart or has Bighit treating them differently?

These are the questions that I have that lead me to believe in T/kook.

Hi again anon!

Thanks for coming back, I had gotten more asks about how you felt about Tkk as a possible couple, but I didn’t want to push you for an answer.

I feel like many in fandom find it hard to deal with not having actual hard proofs. They try to find it by overanalyzing small moments, but in reality it is very possible that we will never get any hard proofs. Their relationship outside of BTS is not one that is meant for us. The things we pick up on are mostly things they share unknowingly. Because how do you hide or edit out a level of comfort that exceeds that of other members.. they can’t because it is not a tangible thing.

Thanks again for this answer, I feel we have learned a great deal from you.

[ughmyreality]

Thoughts on S3 E3

(SPOILERS ahead)

There might be positives, there will be negatives, so please be forewarned that I am not going to solely praise the show. Also, it needs not be mentioned, I am but a single negative person on the internet talking about a fictional story. We are all not going to agree. With that said, let’s move on.

Episode 3-

That opening scene… I know that people are going to swoon and grovel acting like this is the moment that Colin fell for Penelope. But this is just a glorified wet dream. He feels absolutely nothing for her. Colin is getting on my nerves being so driven by sex. Some of the longest scenes we have of him so far is either flirting or having sex with other women. Honestly at this moment I’m tired of Colin already. He has no personality.

Now Colin doesn’t even want to claim her as his friend but rather a good acquaintance. Interesting.

I love that the queen is still at Lady Danbury’s side. It’s nice to see a long lasting friendship in the show for once.

This interaction with Eloise and Penelope might have well not been included. That did nothing for the storyline. It wouldn’t be so much of a problem if there was time for it but we’re on episode 3 and we are no closer to any significant character development. 

With that said, I don’t know why they’re breaking this up into two parts. Fans have already been pointing out the blatant favoritism Polin has but they aren’t helping disprove it by making them the first season with two parts. Also with how overboard they went with promoting it. I think it was unnecessary and if anything it just caused more negative attention to the ship. Bridgerton is already wildly popular, there was no need to go that crazy with promotions. I feel like there wasn’t even this much for the first season. Bridgerton isn’t a show just getting off the ground.

I’m also tired of the excuse of “well, read the books”. Because the books are irrelevant. What's the point of making a show if I supposably need to read the books to understand it? At that point they might as well stop the show entirely. 

Colin is making me sick. They’ve already been in a scandal for being around each other yet he thinks it’s a good idea to seek her out. What a brilliant idea. The audacity to ask why she doesn’t want to continue the lessons. Isn’t it obvious! Let’s be real, if we didn’t know that polin was endgame, what could Penelope do. She’s practically the lowest tier of society, made even worse with the Colin situation. Even if by some miracle she managed to learn to flirt, who exactly would she flirt with. It appears that absolutely no one wants her.

I finally agree with something Penelope is doing. Colin has been nothing but bad for her. They need to stop talking to each other. But for whatever reason he looks shocked/disappointed. He can run off on his family’s dime for months at a time but the second it’s Penelope calling the shots he has the nerve to feel some sort of way.

Penelope desperately needs to shut her mouth! It’s infuriating! She just said that she was going to find a corner to hide in but of course miss attention seeker can’t stay hidden for too long. I wish she would stop talking and let this drama deescalate. I also feel like the pacing of this is kind of weird. From Colin coming back to Penelope staying in her house, I’m confused about how much time has passed between seasons and even between episodes.

I’m trying hard to be interested in the Lord Kent storyline but I just don’t care. 

Not Penelope calling the party dull. She needs to be grateful they even let her through the door. I don’t see how this party is any different than the countless other ones she’s attended. 

A man falling for you only after you level up and move on isn’t the flex Polin shippers think it is. She’s liked Colin for years upon years but the moment she dares to speak to someone else the camera cuts to Colin looking over at her with that same facial expression. I wish Luke would show some more emotion in his face. I can hardly tell when he’s supposed to be jealous vs when he’s fine.

“Your lessons worked”. They had about one or two “lessons” that were probably less than 30 minutes. I hardly consider what happened with Lord Debling to be the cause of Penelope’s lessons. Penelope really didn’t do much. He was the one to approach her, not the other way around. She still worries a lot about what other people think of her.

For a season that was proclaimed to be so “spicy” we have a scene in episode 3 of Penelope licking frosting… how exciting. 

What is with this camera angle? I get that it’s a stressful situation trying to stop a hot air balloon but the shakiness looks oddly unintentional. 

Instead of getting out of the line of fire, Penelope decides to run straight ahead. Girl, go left or right!

Do you think Markus kinda looks like Karamo from queer eye?

A cute interaction between Markus and Violet! 

Where is this attraction coming from? Nothing has truly changed. Penelope still act the same insufferable way. The only thing that I can think of to make Colin do a 180 is either her physical appearance or underlying jealousy. Not jealousy because he wants her but more so that no one else can have her.

I feel like these episodes are drawn out. Too many small plots but so little actually happens in them. At least, I’ve made it to the end of episode 3.

[noelledeltarune]

7,8,13 for mario or pokemon please please please i love reading your hater thoughts

7 : what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them? i don't know.... i don't think there's any character i have it in my heart to hate solely because of the fandom.. mario specifically is something i've always been into in a very self-contained way because being a nintendo series with like 200 games will, by nature, give many people many different interpretations of the characters. and i have a very specific interpretation myself so if i disagree with something it doesn't really affect my own viewing of the characters? if that makes sense. i will admit though i don't really understand the geno hype. i have played most of smrpg but he hasn't really done anything noteworthy yet????? (i'm not DONE but i'm at like the cloud kingdom place where mallow found out he's a prince) and a lot of people ship him with mario but i just don't get it yet. idk if it's a fanon substance thing or if it's just my own fault for playing the game too sporadically to really pay attention to the original characters.. but i love booster. i love mallow. i love how mario and peach and bowser are written in the context of this specific game. but geno has just not wowed me. less of a "began to hate because of how fandom acts" but "fail to see the appeal despite how fandom acts". this will probably change but it's my biggest mario series confusion. what do you all see in him 8 : common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about on a light note i will say luigi autism mario adhd. i have always seen mario autism luigi adhd personally. this has never been a big deal i just think that the roles should be switched occasionally on the "mario bros autism-adhd solidarity" posts. on a more annoying but slightly related note people like to write that mario is more impulsive than luigi to a significant extent like "luigi has to hold him back from doing stupid shit" extent and that is WRONG. we are clearly not talking about the same luigi who just randomly slept on a magic bed in a resort's museum and jumped on a glowing magic artifact in the middle of a wedding and published a book about himself where he lied about every single detail and renovated his house to build a secret diary room that he then sealed after like a week... and has literally anyone ever seen mario do something and luigi try to hold him back from it. no he is god's #1 enabler 13 : worst blorboficiation YOU KNOW WHAT. honestly mario. luigi is treated like shit also but mario has it so so bad. like we all know luigi has it so bad but SO DOES MARIO and no one talks about it. he has silent protagonist syndrome where people go "no dialogue? time to project EVERY annoying trope onto him so i can make his dynamic with luigi really weird!" like not to quote my own post but.

it bothers me so much because people who are obsessed with luigi (SPECIFICALLY bowser x luigi fans) LOOOOOVE writing mario as this like extremely overprotective older brother figure in a way they JUST DON'T ACT LIKE in canon and it's SO BOTHERSOME. it's exactly like how people write sans with papyrus x mettaton and it's just so. aren't we all tired. aren't you all tired.

just. fandom be normal about characters who are twins for 2.7 seconds challenge IMPOSSIBLE. and it's hard to talk about mario's characterization without luigi's because a lot of it is linked to me but dear god there is no shortage of he would not fucking say that. and there's not as much of this now but like. MATPAT. has RUINED my LIFE. that stupid fucking mario is evil theory makes me so mad like NO THE FUCK HE IS NOT.

it might just be me being crazy but i feel like where luigi DOES get treated like an incompetent baby or really resentful/jealous or whatever he's just such a more widely written character than mario by virtue of often not being the player character / protagonist the same way. like with luigi there's always a sense of (barring a few obvious things) "i can imagine him acting like this under certain circumstances" (not always the way that he's portrayed but often enough comparatively) whereas with mario it's like. dude has 7 personality traits and you're fucking it up.

like did you even read the source material 😔did you play A mario game. once. i just feel like he has it bad in a way that's less surface level. like peach and bowser and daisy also get pushed aside pretty frequently and reduced to surface level characteristics but with mario it's like. that's the protagonist. and the surface level characteristics he's reduced to aren't even ones he actually has. NOT TO MENTION that he has a really bad case of post-movie adaptation characterization 😭 HE IS NOT THAT INSECURE. WHERE IS HIS WHIMSY. HIS SILLY SWAG. PLEASE!!!! IT'S ALL HE HAS!!!!!!!!

[explosionshark]

Uh, genuine question, but what should non vegans and/or non vegetarians do to be respectful of vegans and/or vegetarians?

And also, a second more specific question, i get that unless the person has actually said something, irl wise it’s generally kinda dumb weird and probably a bit rude to go out of your way to avoid any mention of meat as food in front of a vegan/vegetarian, but online, where the rules are obviously different,

would it be good practice to tag posts that are about or mention meat or other animal products being used as food? Because i imagine even if you don’t care it just might get a bit grating? Like when you keep having to hear a bout a fandom you’re apathetic about

Again, promise this isn’t mocking or anything, these are genuine questions, 🙏 i just believe that similar to religious beliefs, veganism/vegetarianism shouldn’t be mocked and instead respected

None of this is dumb or weird! I think it's nice that you're trying to be mindful.

Personally, I don't think tagging for meat or animal products or stuff like that is necessary. I feel like 99% of the fast food ads I see on billboards or commercials is more obnoxious than like someone posting a pic of their dinner and talking about how good it was.

Tbh the only content I actually see on Tumblr that bothers me In A Vegan Way falls into one of two categories.

Exploitative Animal Images: idk to me this ranges from like mildly annoying to hellish. I feel like a lot of images of animals clearly in distress or in unsafe circumstances get passed around as memes a lot here and it's genuinely kinda disturbing. I mean obviously pictures of living animals captioned with something obnoxious about the kind of food you want to turn them into is one example.

Other stuff would be like videos of wild animals in domestic settings where they don't belong (I hope I never see another pet sugar glider video in my entire fucking life tbh) or like otherwise in captivity under CLEARLY shady circumstances (those tiger farms for example). Otherwise stuff like videos of people scaring their pets bc they make funny faces or silly noises about it. A lot of this stuff is pervasive in Internet humor or like cute animal pages and it can be easy to overlook but I think it's worth being critical of thinking about the circumstances animal content is produced under. Tbh I think this is a good internet rule in general - esp when it comes to meme images of violence and stuff like that.

The other category is probably more obvious and the thing I most frequently block/unfollow people over - please don't reblog weird anti-vegan propaganda. I feel like I don't really have to worry about this from you, anon, since you're clearly approaching from a respectful place but there's been what feels like a significant uptick in anti-vegan content couched in progressive language on this site recently.

From blatant misrepresentations of what veganism means to holding vegans solely accountable for stuff everyone does and/or corporate marketing, to weirdly hateful and defensive screeds - there's a LOT of really popular bad takes going around. And some of it is truly wild and really shows how little people read a post before reblogging it - a couple years ago I saw several majorly popular blogs on Tumblr reblogging an anti-vegan post that had lines about the "occult implications" of veganism buried somewhere in the text and it nearly drove me insane. More mundane examples would be the recent rise of 'vegans love to pollute with fake leather bc they're ignorant babies' type posts. A lot of these don't even have to be outright hostile to be annoying, but they all fundamentally fail to understand what veganism is about. It's not a health movement or an environmental movement or a 'lifestyle' movement - the #1 concern of veganism is animal rights.

Not saying there aren't overlapping concerns like environmentalism that can be used in the messaging, but at the end of the day whether something is good for your health or for the planet is a secondary consideration to 'does this system harm a living being unnecessarily.'

Anyway I hope that was a helpful answer!

Thanks for reaching out! Have a good one!

[first-impressions-gaming]

Infinite Guitars

Developed by Nikko Nikko

Published by Humble Games

Release Date 2023

Tested on Xbox Series X

MSRP 19,99 USD

If you had asked me what was my opinion on Infinite Guitars solely based upon the launch trailer, I would have said ‘it looks lit, dynamic, fun, over-the-top, high-adrenaline gameplay.’ That’s where my series of complaints begin. The trailer and the actual gameplay do not…match that much. At least this was my experience for around 1 hour. I wish I could push myself to play it more, give it a little bit of chance, but I could not muster enough patience to bear the game more than an hour.

The biggest red flag I have encountered is that, the trailer only reflects action-included gameplay, leaving the parts where you are going back and forth, trying to figure out your way, clearing the path from enemies out from the trailer. For a second I thought ‘am I playing the right game? Are there two different games which are titled Infinite Guitars and I am playing the one that sucks?’. 

Let’s break down this game, the game has three different fighting mechanics, which are Action, Rhythm and Turn-based, the game lets you tune and customise difficulty for each one at the beginning. 

Infinite Guitars is a top-down camera angle game with anime-inspired graphics, and our protagonist is JJ. Let me list my take on the game and give examples from the game.

The game, first of all, has a non-intuitive map design, most of the time you are trying to understand where you are going and ‘why’ you are going there. Maps and locations, and overall environment, feel so randomized as if no thought and effort put into it. The game tries to be both linear and open-world in terms of map design. There is either a path you have to take, or you have to explore every bit of location and fail to get to your destination and return to your beginning point and go from there. I could not get my head around this weird, counter-intuitive, non-player friendly design choice. An indie game such as this should have a more chill traversal experience, as I touched upon previously, I had to explore the map so much over and over that 80% of my gametime was trying to get to the designated point, leaving only 20% ‘actual’ gameplay that you witness in the trailer. It gets frustrating pretty quickly because your desire to get to the action gets hampered by unthoughtful map design. I wish the game leaned more over to actual gameplay rather than traversal. In that way, my general experience would have been much more satisfying. Think it this way, there is a great sushi restaurant on the other side of the city, and you just have to take a long commute to get there, the experience of boring, irritating commute damages your sushi experience, something you cannot ignore. When you know this, you are highly in favour of going to a more average sushi restaurant that you can go in half an hour in the part of city you reside in.

Another major red flag is that the game miserably fails at storytelling. After spending an hour in the game, I realized that I did not understand anything related to plotline. The game starts in an aircraft and we land on a war-torn planet and…we get going. I had to check the game’s description on store to understand what we set off doing. Non-existent in-game story alienates the player, it does not explain itself one bit. I have played dozens of games and I never felt that the game is unsuccessful to open itself to the player this much. The introduction of the game needs a significant fix, the player should be in the know regarding who you are, what you are, where you are and what is your motive. When you are not conveying these to the player directly or indirectly, the engagement gets cut off eventually. A person is not going to read a book, watch a movie/series or play a game that s/he cannot identify with, the invisible interaction between the audience and the game is absent in Infinite Guitars, sadly.

The game falls short on tutorials as well: combat, skills, mechanics, enemies, overall traversal, objectives, progression of the story and our relationship to other characters.

For instance, we land on a planet at the very beginning of the game, and we are surrounded with robotic enemies that attack us constantly with shockwaves and you got to dodge them, and there are bigger enemies that bombard you and you attempt to dodge them as well by rolling. During my whole playtime, I wanted to figure out what these enemies are, why they are hostile to us and what they stand for. The game should include indirect narrative on these types of encounters, it could be text-based messaged, audio logs etc. It felt like there were enemies just to have some enemies, for no clarified reason. 

My final thoughts: Infinite Guitars do have some components that work, but they are in minority and I don’t see myself spending more time playing it, or recommending it to a fellow gamer. I do hope that the developer learn from their mistakes and remedy them in their next game.

[soobrat]

i just found your story cynics at 6 in the morning and read the whole thing. idk if it's because it was too early and i didn't sleep enough but it made me tear up so many times, wasn't sobbing or anything but it made me cry a little. you're so good at portraying emotions! when i finished first chapter i was hating johnny so much for mc's sake that i couldn't understand how the main pairing would work at all. i thought i was walking into one of those weird fics where mc forgive the abusive male lead and disregards all the red flags by the end for the sake of cheap romance. but you didn't!! and you have no idea how glad i am i continued reading.

you did so good at portraying trauma of abuse and how it haunts your whole life even when you think you're over it and finally moved on. i'm really glad mc decided to get out of that situation even if she did still walk back into it again. recovery is rarely linear and it's hard for most people to completely cutoff contact with those who have had such significant parts in your life all at once.

i also have to say that despite hating johnny in the beginning now i just feel bad for him. it's not quite pity, i think i just feel bad that he hadn't realize how horrible the company he was keeping is until a person he cherished so much couldn't take it anymore. i read somewhere that kids will often throw tantrums and lash out against the parent (or person) they feel most comfortable with, especially after a traumatic event or abuse, because that person won't leave them regardless of how "bad" they are. i think a lot of us in real life have a hard time growing out of that mentality, and unfortunately grow up to hurt those we love the most in the deepest way. at least that's how i'm seeing johnny thus far now that we're getting more into his headspace. he loves her and she was the one person he always felt secure enough with to be at his worst -- but unfortunately his worst now isn't a scared kid looking for a friend, he's a grown man capable of hurting her in worse ways than their bullies ever did because he knows her better than they ever did. if i hate anyone now it's taeyong because that last chapter showed how aware he has been of the situation all the time and from different angles. i think his kindness towards mc isn't real, he's doing it solely for his own gain and letting johnny hurt her just enough to keep her wanting company until it got out of hand. no wonder he never stopped yangyang, lucas and doyoung when they wanted to see her again despite them being so cruel.

anyway, this ask has become loger than i originally intended but i just have so many lingering thoughts after reading such a good story!! i hope you're having a lovely day 💕

You don't understand how much I appreciate this ask.

Every time I write something (because I'm not that experienced) I fear that all the ideas I have in my head for the stories and characters aren't being illustrated well through my writing. There are things you spelled out in this ask that I intended to be interpreted, which is such a relief. I am beyond happy that you're satisfied with how I wrote trauma, as that was another thing I mulled over.

And OH MY GOD I'm glad people don't completely hate Johnny. But even more? I'm glad people don't completely forgive him and wish the best for him. I was so worried I'd get asks saying that Johnny didn't do that much wrong or something. The fact that he's being interpreted as the morally grey guy I wrote him to be is fantastic. I think I've said this before, but I really didn't want this to be just mindless toxic nonsense. I didn't want the characters to be these perfect people who never do anything wrong, but I didn't want them to just be immoral/illogical devices for a poorly done romance. Romance isn't even really in the forefront of my brain. I just say we'll get there when we get there I guess.

This part:

"he loves her and she was the one person he always felt secure enough with to be at his worst -- but unfortunately his worst now isn't a scared kid looking for a friend, he's a grown man capable of hurting her in worse ways than their bullies ever did because he knows her better than they ever did."

Is just *chef's kiss*

I don't wanna spoil anything but I'll say this. In a way, Johnny assumed MC would just... always be there. And now without the distractions that are his three idiot friends, he's feeling that loneliness big time.

Anyway, I could sit here and discuss every little nugget but I won't to avoid making this even longer. I just want to say thank you so much. I'm so happy the story impacted someone or made them think about it after reading. That's wild to me that someone could even feel any lasting emotion from what I conveyed.

[mikewheely]

Answering a LOT of questions about Mike Wheeler.

Here I go again...

First of all, hello lupon (whom i eventually had to block because i was losing brain cells rapidly), the way your questions have followed looks like you  have your own answers and interpretations for those. But still, since you have asked me, I will answer them. 

Okay, first of all, the thing you and many have misinterpreted here is that he “hated” D&D in ST3. He cannot suddenly start hating something for no reason that he has been doing since a long time. He had just become less interested and developed a sort of indifference towards the game because he had other things in his mind. And as much many people would hate to hear that, it was mainly El, if not solely, and maybe other new teenage stuff he wanted to do like everyone else. For instance, sneaking into the movie theatre with his friends to watch R-rated movies that they were not allowed to watch. The thing about Mike is his priorities change, I can say that because it is the same for me. Just because I am interested in one thing at a given point of time, does not mean I hate all the things that have made me feel interested before. His indifference towards D&D probably looks even stronger than it actually is, even though it was the same for Lucas, is because Will was more interested in playing it and that was all he cared about. That’s what makes the contrast of the two mentalities even stronger. Mike had El to spend time with, that he had missed for almost a year, so his priorities shifted towards that. Now in ST4 as El was away and he did not exactly have anything stronger to pay attention to, he joined the Hellfire Club and went back to explore his old interests as he found likeminded people there.

This question is something I don’t understand? Yeah, so he has used the word “super” a few times, does that have to be anything that significant? El is a superhero, because well, she is. Will was a super spy because the Mind Flayer chose Will as his spy who can literally be manipulated into finding out anything he wants. He was like Mind Flayer’s main guy. Dustin missing his collar bones maybe made him different from the rest completely, maybe that is why it is like a superpower? Idk, maybe you are reading too much into this. 

You can read the analysis of the van scene here.

I think your first question is actually directly linked to your second question, that he was weird and different mostly because he did not hug Will properly. While this  is a difficult one to answer and I have also wondered that myself, but there are different interpretations from other people that I can mention here for you. Someone had said that Will was actually more weirded out by the situation than Mike. Maybe? IDK. But I think, as it was revealed later, that they had grown distant, they didn’t talk much on phone either. And when you suddenly grow distant from a person whom you were so close with for such a long time, maybe things can get complicated. It could be that one of his best friends, Will, who has been in Hawkins all these years suddenly goes away, it would have an impact on anyone, just like it may have had on Mike. Maybe distancing himself from the thought that he missed Will in Hawkins (like he mentions, “it’s not the same without you”) was his way of accepting the change that he disliked. 

I myself have a hard time accepting change, so I will share a small personal experience. Before my sister’s marriage, I had started distancing myself because I was not ready to accept the upcoming change. I did not even take much part in the arrangements for the wedding because of the same reason which my sister thought was because I didn’t care much about the whole wedding thing. I cried a lot when she left, but I also accepted it fast because I had already dealt with my share of fear and sadness. Now if you ask me, do I miss her, I would say, not really. Because I have learnt to live with it. That does not mean I don’t care about her or love her any less. Maybe Mike also has a similar kind of coping mechanism to deal with change. But again, it may have other reasons that haven’t really crossed my mind yet.

Why would he cry without any reason? When he had, he did cry. But just in general, people who have a hard time expressing their vulnerability, like Mike, find it difficult to cry, because crying over something means you express your vulnerability towards it. It means you have accepted that something affects you so deeply, and if others are there to watch it while you cry (even worse), it also means they also know what has the capability of breaking you. You cannot really apply any defense mechanism after that. However, he cried when he was saying goodbye to Will and El at the end of ST3. It wasn’t shown explicitly but from his face you could tell he was crying.

Here is a clear shot of Mike crying in ST4 when El was not waking up. Not teary-eyed, crying. You will see the drop of tears on the tip of his nose. You can rewatch scene for a clearer view. 

Moving on to the next question.

Mike had two love confessions? Do you mean the one that he accidentally blurts out in ST3 Episode 6? That was him accidentally admitting he loves El, he didn’t even know he was going to say that, he himself was shocked that he really said out loud in the heat of the moment. As far as we know, he did not say it directly to El. He had difficulty expressing it fully in the grocery store conversation in ST3, and even at Surfer Boy in ST4. Also, he was interrupted by Dustin and Argyle respectively. That was also a strategy, a technicality of storytelling, to save the confession for a crucial moment that can act as a significant factor behind a lot of occurrences and also have the required emotional impact on the audience. 

Apart from that, the whole situation was something like El was upset with him particularly because he never verbally expressed it TO HER. And ever since he realized that he has hurt her by doing so, he has repeatedly said that he wished he could explain himself, to which Will has said that he can tell her what he wanted to when he meets her again. So, if you can link these things properly, logically, it feels absolutely reasonable and appropriate as far as the storytelling goes. Not redundant. 

In including this situation, you get to address a few things. Mike’s struggles, a growth in the relationship between Mike and El as they move on to explore more mature problems in a relationship, and it also gives a scope to Will to express his side of the story, explicitly to the audience, if not to Mike.

It is easy to compare because certain individuals’ brains are inclined towards finding similarities and looking for signs or considering something as a sign because it makes them feel better, happy, hopeful. “I love you” and “It was the best thing I have ever done” are two completely different sentences, and as far as I know, isn’t it normal for a person to love one of their best friends that he or she has known since childhood? I think the whole point of calling someone your ‘best friend’ or even just ‘friend’ comes primarily from the feeling of love. If that’s the case, they are bound to be important to you. And the way the ‘crazy together’ scene has been repeatedly misinterpreted, irrespective of what Mike and Will’s relationship turns out to be in the end, is ridiculous. In that scene Will is talking about his trauma related to the horrifying visions of the Upside Down, and Mike is talking about El. They find a common ground when they realize they are both talking about things that people won’t really understand, things that are making them think that they are losing their mind. That is why he says, we will go crazy together, which was just a way of acknowledging that they have each other’s back in this difficult time when they are both dealing with a lot and not talking about much. About the “I didn’t say it” and “I guess I did”, I don’t understand which scenes you are referring to here exactly. Sorry.

About Mike’s reaction when he gets to know that Will has feelings for him, I cannot completely say it. Maybe he would be surprised and take a little time to process it. And I am not that good at predictions, so I guess we will wait and watch what happens. But I can reflect on what has already happened, so I could say all of the things I have said before.

I think we are living in a time where the cancel culture is taking over and people are ready to interpret everything in a weird, twisted way so that they can point out how problematic things are without completely understanding the situation. Not all of it is pointless, but some of it, yes, often to a ridiculous extent. Like not shipping Mike with Will is apparently “homophobic”. Mike not showing romantic love towards Will is “homophobic” as well. Honestly, my brain can’t comprehend this. Just because something is a relevant issue, does not mean we have to apply it everywhere and twist everything that comes our way. 

If you consider one sentence or a single phrase, and not consider what has happened or has been said before or after that, it is very easy to misconstrue statements. What makes him say that is Will claiming Mike is destroying everything for some ‘stupid girl’ and what Mike says after stating that is “I’m not trying to be jerk, okay?” You know how sometimes we say something but it comes out wrong or sounds inappropriate without us actually intending to say it that way? It even happens with Finn. He would say something and then realize it sounded wrong and he apologizes immediately. It was the same when Mike said that. What he meant was he, Lucas, Dustin, they all had girlfriends and were very interested in that involvement. So the fact that Will is mad and are blaming this situation, especially referring to El, is something Mike cannot do anything about. Because Will was the only one not interested in having a girlfriend unlike the rest of the three. But then he realized that he sounded wrong, which made him say that he was not trying to be a jerk. 

In terms of storytelling, it was a clear-cut hint for the audience to pick up that maybe Will could be gay. I have watched reaction videos on YouTube and I have seen people starting to question, “Wait, does this mean Will is gay?” Because many people who watch the show but are not really so deeply involved in the hullabaloo of the fandom, hadn’t really picked up that Will’s sexual orientation had been hinted at since the beginning of the story.  So apart from affecting the equation between the characters, it also had the purpose of indicating something to the audience from the technical perspective of storytelling. 

I hope that answered your questions. 

[cacoetheswriting]

a saturday ritual

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Warnings: mild swearing, a single parent home, mentions of death (death of a parent & a significant other), mentions of alcohol consumption, and a lil pining, but mainly just FLUFF Word Count: 5.6k Request: anonymous: “I love your Spencer Reid fics! I was wondering if you could write something with Spencer and a single mom reader?? Thanks”

A/N: a very brief summary: spencer is infatuated by his new neighbour, a single mom to a five year old boy who likes to wreak havoc in their shared corridor. also, this one turned out to be a lot A LOT longer than i initially thought it would be but honestly i had so much fun writing this fic, it really could have gone on foreverrrrr ENJOY and as always let me know what you think ! 

-

For about a week after you moved into the apartment across from his, Spencer wondered what would be an acceptable excuse to go introduce himself.

Having been away on a case those first couple of days, he missed the initial opportunity. Later, his colleagues told him that was enough of a justification. Much later. Too late. Now the moment has passed, and he wondered whether pretending he needed salt or sugar was a good enough pretext. Lame.

He's caught glimpses of you out in the shared hall returning from the grocery store, or by the post box downstairs collecting your mail. Glimpses. Passing fleeting seconds. Never enough time to say hello, however enough to notice you were really beautiful.

Also enough to notice the little boy constantly tugging at your clothes. From what he could see, the resemblance was uncanny. The boy was your son no doubt. And given that Spencer hasn’t seen another adult around, he came to a conclusion you were a single mom.

It was now Saturday morning. Saturday. A day he usually spent grading papers and preparing class materials for the week ahead. And this weekend began no differently.

With a cup of coffee, he sat at his desk and began working away when an odd droning sound caught his attention. Buzzing. Yet it wasn’t mechanical, no. The peculiar hum echoing outside seemed more manmade. Childlike.

Yes, the brunette doctor deducted, the buzzing sounds he was currently hearing were most definitely airplane noises made by a kid.

At first, he decided to pay no attention to what was going on outside his door. He felt bad enough for not going to introduce himself, so he wasn't about to become the mean man from across the hall who gave out about playing children.

After taking a sip of his coffee, he proceeded to bury his head in the papers scattered across his desk. The sound wasn’t too loud meaning it wasn't a big distraction. He could continue to get his work done despite the clatter.

It was then he heard your voice for the first time. The melodic tone drew him in even more than the buzzing echo. 

Dropping his pen, he instantly got to his feet and ambled towards the front door - now was his chance. 

His hand hovered over the knob, but before he got a chance to do anything, he heard a slam. The noises stopped. Silence once again filled the hall outside.

The hazel-eyed doctor felt slightly foolish. He didn't really know what he wanted to accomplish by springing up so fast. Even if he managed to catch you, what was he going to say? I heard your voice, and wanted to see you. Stupid. You would think he's absolutely clinically insane. I heard you out here, and wanted to finally introduce myself. Better. Although still a little weird.

With a sigh, he sunk back in his seat and continued with his usual Saturday routine. Hoping he would get another chance.

Sunday he heard the buzzing again. Only this time he was walking up the stairs, returning from a late afternoon stroll. 

Once he reached his floor he came face to face with the source of the airplane noises currently echoing throughout the building.

Spencer thought the young boy couldn't be more than five. He was wearing a jumper that was clearly too big on him. Probably one of yours, Spencer thought. Arms spread out by his side, the oversized garment covering his hands in full, the kid ran circles up and down the corridor. A wide grin on his face. The hoodie dragging on the floor collecting dustballs.

Mixed with the noises was the sound of your laughter, coming from inside your apartment. The honey-like harmony was like music to Spencer's ears. A small smile crept up on his features; what the hell was going on with him? How could he possibly feel an attraction to someone he’s never met, held a conversation with.

The boy stopped abruptly when he noticed Spencer. His arms fell, and he ran into your apartment. Vanished as if he’d seen a ghost. Although, he must have been waiting, looking out for when the coast was clear again, because as soon as Spencer closed his own door the buzzing resumed.

It continued on for hours.

Having spent time with JJ’s boys, Spencer was no stranger to the amount of energy little kids possessed. Often when playing he would be the one to grow tired first. He would be the one that needed a break while they continued to wreak havoc. Therefore the noises didn't bother him. He went about his evening, subconsciously listening out for your voice.

The next few days were quiet.

Not like he spent a lot of time at home anyway. Between his classes and his unpredictable work hours with the FBI, he only went back to his apartment to sleep. And that was usually really late at night.

Thursday evening, after a surprisingly short day, he was fumbling through his bag in search for his key when the sudden urge to go and finally say hello came over him. He knocked on your door and instantly heard shuffling inside. There was no turning back now.

Soon you were standing in front of him. Subtly, he looked you up and down. His grip on the strap of his bag tightening. Wow, you were even more beautiful than the glimpses he caught. 

That came off rather stalker-ish, he took a mental note.

“Hello. Can I help you?” You asked while leaning against the frame, one hand holding the door so not let the brunette stranger see inside.

“Hi, I’m Spencer. I live across the hall.” He introduced himself, examining your face for any sort of reaction. Completely blank. “Can I help you?” You repeated. The brunette doctor was slightly taken aback by your cold shoulder. He pursed his lips into a thin smile. “No. I just wanted to introduce myself and say that if you needed anything-” “Thanks.” You cut him off and closed the door in his face.

Spencer took a step back. That definitely didn’t go as he thought it would. He rationalised your behaviour as a response to his tardiness with regards to greeting you and your son in the building. Although he still couldn’t believe you were so, for lack of a better word, bitchy.

Glancing one last time at your door, he unlocked his own and stepped inside. At least now he could say he tried introducing himself. He tried being the friendly neighbour.

Saturday arrived once again in the blink of an eye. This particular morning, the hazel-eyed doctor had an abundance of papers to grade. He made himself comfortable and got to work.

Unlike last week, when the airplane noises didn't bother him, today he found them to be quite irritating. He would reread the same sentences at least twice before he even began to understand them. Not ideal.

Frustrated, he ran his fingers through his already messy curls and let out a deep sigh. He really needed to concentrate, but he also didn't want to be a dick about it. Possibly making the already tense situation even worse.

Quickly, and rather impulsively, he gathered his things. He put on his shoes, threw his bag over his shoulder, and walked out into the hall.

This time the little boy was sitting on the floor in the middle of the corridor. In his hands he gripped two toy planes, flying them around in the air. The boy looked up at Spencer and smiled, but continued to play. Spencer smiled back while locking his door, and proceeded to make his way down the stairs.

Yes. He felt good about his decision to work somewhere else for the day.

That evening, as he was about to reheat some leftovers, there was a knock on the door. It was faint. So faint in fact he wasn't sure if he heard it at first. For a split second he hesitated, his attention now focused solely on the door. Another knock. Louder this time. He hurried over and opened it to greet the mysterious guest.

You.

Dressed in an oversized band t-shirt, one Spencer didn't recognise, and a pair of biker shorts - all covered in spatters of colourful paint. Your hair was up in a bun with loose strands escaping by your face. Spencer also noticed a yellow paint smudge on your left cheek, and white speckles on your forehead. Despite the dishevelled attire, you looked considerably more relaxed than the day he went to introduce himself.

“I guess I should start off by apologising.” You began in that melodic tone he first heard last week. “When you came by, I was really rude. I'm not usually like that, I swear. It’s just I have a lot on my plate right now. Benny’s grandparents, from his dad’s side, are giving me grief for moving so far away from them. Even though it’s only an extra twenty minute drive. But you know, they are Benny’s grandparents and I love them. They’re family. Anyway, minutes before you knocked I was on the phone with them, again about the same thing, and the conversation put me in a foul mood. Which really isn’t an excuse for the way I acted towards you so, yeah, inexcusable. I’m sorry.”

The hazel-eyed doctor couldn't help but lightly smirk. He’s never met anyone that rambled nearly as much as him. He’s learned more about you in the last ten seconds than he did the whole time you lived across from him.

“Okay. Okay, you’re smiling. That’s a good sign, right?” You brought your hands to your face, gently pressing your fingertips to the corners of your mouth as if to cover the embarrassment you were no doubtly feeling right now. “Because I did actually come here to invite you over for pizza. A truly lame attempt to try show you that I am in fact a good person and not that bitch you met.”

“I love pizza.” Spencer simply stated causing a sigh of relief to escape your lips.

“Great. That’s great.” A warm expression graced your facial features. “Oh, I’m Y/N by the way.” You were about to reach out your hand when you noticed the colourful paint covering your fingers. “Mom life.” You joked, cheeks flushing a soft pink, and let your arms fell back down to your side.

You patiently waited for Spencer to grab his keys and phone before making your way across the hall.

Your apartment was slightly larger than his, two bedrooms, and the decor also couldn’t have been more different to his own. Colourful, vibrant, homey. Those would be the words he’d use to describe what he was witnessing.

In the middle of the living space stood a dark green couch. Draped over it were numerous blankets, hiding underneath them were mismatched throw pillows. On the coffee table lay a stack of books, surrounded by children’s toys. The wall behind the television was decorated from corner to corner with various sized frames. Inside those frames were different movie posters, photos, random prints, and what he speculated was some of Benny’s artwork.

He was in awe as to how fast you managed to make this place feel like your own.

“Make yourself comfortable. I’m gonna quickly wash my hands to try get this pesky paint off, and then we can order food.” With that you disappeared leaving Spencer alone to examine the rest of your place.

His attention was caught by a not so white bedsheet, opposite end of the living space. It was covered in paint. On top of the sheet, stood an old pickle jar that was filled with water. It held numerous brushes. Next to it was a plastic box with tubes of acrylic paint with every colour a person could possibly dream of.

Spencer took a couple of steps towards the bedsheet. He didn't want to seem nosey, he just wanted to get a better look at the currently drying canvases. A distinct pitter of small feet caused him to stand up straight, frozen, as if he was caught doing something illegal.

“A-are, are you the pizza guy?” Benny asked curiously, tilting his little head to one side.

“No uhm, I’m Spencer. I live across the hall.” He explained. “Your mom invited me.” That felt like an important thing to add.

Benny sized him up. His eyes narrowed, lips pursed into a serious pout, nose scrunched. He crossed his little arms as if he was daring Spencer. It was rather silly, this five year old trying to intimidate a grown man, and yet the brunette doctor began to feel nervous. He didn't understand why. He was usually really good with kids.

“Benny, bunny, quit trying to scare our guest.” You returned, grabbing your sons attention and breaking the odd charade. Benny’s gaze traveled to you. “Go do a little clean up of your toys please. I saw those planes your pops bought you in the bathtub. That’s not their place, is it?” Benny shook his head and ran off with a loud chuckle.

You glanced at Spencer and shot him a kind smile.

“Sorry about that. He gets the whole intimidation thing after his dad.” “That’s okay.” Spencer replied. You could tell he was being nice, just like he could tell Benny’s dad was a touchy subject. Spencer wasn’t about to make it worse. It wasn’t his place. And you didn't know him well enough yet to spill the secrets of your past relationship. Therefore, the two of you stood completely still for an awkward second just looking at one another.

“Would you like anything to drink?” You asked, breaking the silence. “We have orange juice, water, or mom juice.” “Mom juice?” Spencer raised an intrigued brow. “Wine.” You explained giggling. Spencer nodded his head with a smile. “I’ll have some mom juice then.” “Good choice.”

As he sat down on the couch, you receded into the kitchen, returning shortly with two plastic cups in hand. “I forgot to ask which you’d prefer, red or white, so I brought a glass of each. Whatever you won’t have, I’ll drink.” You reached out your hands. Spencer took the cup with red wine, his fingers brushing gently against yours in the process. Spark. No, he thought. He was imagining things.

Unknown to the brunette doctor, you felt it too. The blood rushed to your face for a split second as you nervously cleared your throat before taking a sip of your wine.

“You have to forgive the plastic cups. One of Benny’s latest favourite activities is pretending to be an airplane and breaking everything in sight, so I locked all my nicer glassware away.” You explained while elegantly plopping down next to Spencer. “Plastic cups are nice. It’s like a picnic.” God, how dumb. He mentally smacked himself. Idiot.

However, your light giggle indicated you didn’t seem to mind. Your eyes widened a little, and he could have sworn they were glistening. “Well thank you Spencer. You’re the first person to say something nice rather than commenting on my parenting style.”

It was the first time you said his name out loud. And in that melodic tone of yours, it echoed inside his brain like a song. Leaving a permanent mark.

“My mom thinks I need to discipline him more, but no-one ever said it would be this hard alone.” You babbled on, completely oblivious to the silent commotion currently going on inside Spencer’s mind. “Benny’s dad was the bad cop per se, I’m no good at it. My son can cause all the trouble in the world, and still all it would take is for him to look up at me with those bunny eyes and all is good again. Probably because he has his dad’s eyes...” You stopped yourself, and chewed down on your bottom lip.

“Sorry.” You fluttered your lashes at the man sitting next to you. “I’ve been told I talk too much.”

Spencer brought the cup to the brim of his mouth and chuckled. “Don’t be. I’ve been told the exact same thing.” He took a sip of his wine.

“I find that hard to believe. You’ve barely squeezed in four full sentences these last fifteen minutes, while I just go on and on and on.”

“Give it time. I guarantee you’ll be sick of me by the end of the night, and I will never get invited over for pizza again.”

Without thinking, you reached out and placed your hand on his forearm. The air hitched in Spencer’s throat as his eyes briefly traveled down to where you were gently grasping. “Consider this your weekly invite.” You said in a silvery tone and proceeded to give his arm a gentle squeeze.

Just like that, Spencer’s Saturday routine was richer by one more item. Perhaps the most important item on the list. Pizza at the apartment across from his.

Truthfully, it was his favourite time of the week. 

During those weekly visits, Spencer quickly learned a lot about you. Where you grew up, any likes and dislikes, hobbies, facts about your family. He learned that you used to teach art at a high school; a job you loved but ultimately decided to leave after you became a single parent. Now, you work at an art gallery only a few blocks from here.

Spencer evened out the scale by sharing his own stories and fables. You were quite surprised to hear about the numerous doctorates he possessed, the work he did, some of the shit he went through, and honestly just how smart he actually was.

Each time you met, you each discovered something new about one another. Something that made you seem even more interesting in the other persons eyes. 

Although, an unspoken agreement was in place, the topic of Benny’s dad was off limits. For now.

When Benny got comfortable having Spencer around, the weekly pizza routine evolved into other activities involving you and your son. Movie nights. Walks to the park. Playground visits. Home-cooked dinners at yours. Puzzle afternoons at his. Spencer taught Benny and you magic tricks, while you taught Spencer how to paint.

Soon enough you were exchanging keys and before either of you even realised, six months passed.

Spencer spent Saturday morning preparing class materials for the week ahead, as usual. Through the thin walls he could hear unmistakable airplane noises and patter of feet running up and down the corridor. He smiled to himself. The echo was a pleasant reminder it was only a few hours until he would see you for pizza.

See during these last few months, Spencer fell head over heels for you. He fell hard. The ever present smile on circling your already perfect features when he was around, your honey-like laughter, your lavender scent, the way you were with Benny, the way you always watched the hazel-eyed doctor with such great interest whenever he broke out into an obscure fact.

The more time he spent with you, the more his love grew.

Spencer knew that he could never act on it. If he was a selfish man perhaps, but he wasn’t. He would never put his own needs ahead of your friendship as it wasn’t just you and him in this scenario. He had to consider Benny. What if the relationship went south and he was just another man to break both of your hearts? No. He’d never act on his feelings. There was way too much at stake.

Though he still considered himself lucky. Having a place in your life, being your friend. That’s lucky.

“Right on time as always.” You beamed as Spencer stumbled inside, closing your apartment door behind him. He ambled towards the coach and sat in his now usual spot - the left corner, with you in the right.

“Where’s Benny?” He asked, looking around for the little monster. “Benny is tucked away in his bed. He kindly requested a slice of pizza to be brought to him once it arrives so it’s really just you and me tonight. Hope that’s still okay with you.” “I mean, yeah, I guess that’s fine.” Spencer teased, shrugging his shoulders.

You rolled your eyes at him, but didn't say anything else on the matter. Odd, the brunette doctor thought. You always had a witty comeback. It was one of the many things he loved about you.

“I’m sure you could tell me how many pizza nights we had exactly, so I took the liberty of ordering our food already.” You said with a small smile.

“Thirty-two pizza nights.” Spencer stated simply. You furrowed your brows. “That doesn't right.” “Taking into account every Saturday we spent together, plus pizza on your birthday, Memorial Day, and the other few evenings we didn't feel like cooking, it adds up to thirty-two.”

“Holy shit. Maybe we should start ordering salads.” Spencer chuckled at your response. “Pizza is a lot better.” He pointed out and you couldn't argue with that logic.

Food arrived shortly after. You briskly took two slices over to Benny on a plastic plate, checking up on him in the process. While you were gone Spencer chose a movie. One that you would both equally enjoy.

You sat down again, only this time you sat beside him in what is usually Benny’s spot. Shoulder to shoulder. Spencer froze completely. Thinking if he’d move even an inch, it would scare you off and you’d shift away. You reached for a blanket and draped it over the two of you before glancing up at the hazel-eyed doctor.

“Is this okay?” Contrary to the usual melodic tone of your voice, the question came out quite croaky. Nervous. He met your gaze, losing himself completely in the colour of your eyes, and slowly nodded his head.

He’s thought about kissing you before and always managed to fight the urge. Although, in all the time the two of you spent together he was never situated this close to you. Your face was a mere few inches away from his. Oh fuck. 

The moment lasted only about half a second, but to Spencer it felt like time stood still. Honestly, if you hadn’t turned away to start the movie, he probably would have lost the inner battle. He wouldn't have been able to hold himself back. He would have kissed you. Maybe he was a selfish man after all.

Swallowing the growing lump in his throat, Spencer also turned his attention to the tv. Without breaking your eyes from the screen ahead, you handed him a slice of pizza which he took gratefully. The two of you ate in silence. Enjoying the movie, but mainly each other’s presence.

The brunette man couldn't place the exact moment you cuddled yourself up to him. One minute he peeked to ask you a question about something that now seemed unimportant and you were just there, your head resting against his chest.

A smile circled his lips. He could definitely get used to this.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m completely lost.” You mumbled. “And that says a lot considering I’ve seen this movie before. I didn’t understand it then, I still don’t understand it now.”

“If you've seen this before, why did you let me choose it?” Spencer asked. You tilted to look up at him. “Because I thought you’d be able to explain it to me. You know, using that big genius brain of yours.”

Spencer chuckled. He lifted his hand and began to gently caress the top of your head. “What if I tell you my theory and it ruins the movie for you?” He asked, but you waved your hand dismissing his question. “What if you tell me and it improves the movie?”

“That’s a fair point I guess. Okay.” He continued to run his fingers through your hair as he began to explain. “The movie seems confusing because it’s actually reverse order storytelling. It kind of works its way from the end to the beginning through a series of flashbacks and flash-forwards. Therefore, as you’re watching, you get a view into Lenny’s diminishing state of mind.”

You raised a brow. “Are you sure you haven't seen ‘Memento’ before?”

He raised his hands palms up. “I swear this is my first time.” He pledged, corners of his mouth twisting into a smile. “Hmm...” “I’m just extremely observant. Plus you know I love puzzles, and this movie is like one giant puzzle.” He continued. 

“Let’s pretend I believe you Spencer.” You said squinting at him, before turning back to look at the tv. The brunette man smirked under his breath. His hand once again tangling itself in your hair.

The sound of a delicate tiptoe approaching the living room caused you to sit up and reach for the remote. Although to Spencer’s surprise you didn't move away from him. Instead, you leaned your body into his side so that if you wanted, you could place your head back on his shoulder.

“Mommy.” Benny muttered. With a little hoist from you, he scrambled into your lap. “Mommy.” “What’s up bunny? Mommy was just finishing a movie, and then I would have come check on you.”

Benny shook his head. He gripped onto the collar of your t-shirt with one hand, the other travelled to your face. He pushed himself into you, angling your head so that he could whisper something in your ear.

Spencer watched as the smile on your face widened at whatever it was Benny said. The young boy pulled away, and waited for your response. “I don’t know kiddo. Would you like me to ask him?” Benny nodded, also now grinning.

“Spencer?” You turned to address the brunette man. “What is your opinion on pillow forts?” He saw the sparkle in your eyes and he couldn't help but smile. “I love pillow forts.”

Within the hour, the living space was completely transformed into a squashy soft kingdom. Benny joyfully screamed that this was the best pillow fort ever as he crawled inside, teddybear in hand.

You nudged Spencer’s arm before staring up at him. “Thank you.” Your eyes locked as your hand slid into his with ease. Fingers instantly intertwining together like magnets. 

“We haven't done this since his dad passed. I’ve suggested it many many times, but he uhm, Benny never wanted to.” Pause. The expression on your face dulled. Mouth quivering as you spoke. “Ehm, his dad was a pilot hence my little guys obsession with planes. He died really suddenly nineteen months ago. Benny was so so small. And I don’t really know how much he remembers of his dad, I mean I tell him stories all the time and so do his grandparents, it’s just hard to tell sometimes if uhm... Pillow forts were like their thing, so after his dad I think they were too painful for Benny.”

Spencer gave your hand a gentle squeeze. You were both now standing toe to toe, facing each other fully.

“I guess Benny just needed to feel ready again. Happy even. So what I’m trying to say is, Spencer, thank you. Truly. Thank you for brining joy back into his life.” You hesitated, biting down on your bottom lip.

“Thank you for brining joy back into both of our lives.” 

It meant a lot to Spencer that you finally felt comfortable enough to share more details about Benny’s dad. He never wanted to replace the man, he wouldn't dream of it. All he really wanted since the day he met you was to make you a little bit happier, and to hear he was succeeding warmed his heart.

You immediately noticed how his face lit up ever so slightly. A miniature smile circled your lips. “I just hope we didn't obscure your life too much these last few months.”

Using his free hand, he placed the loose strands of your hair behind your ear. Gently caressing your cheek with his thumb in the process. “Are you kidding? There is nothing I would rather be doing. I love spending time with you guys.”

Your eyes sparked with admiration.

“I love our pizza nights, overanalysing different movies with you, listening to Benny’s rendition of ‘In Summer’ from ‘Frozen’. Heck, I love that I now know what ‘Frozen’ is.” You chuckled as he carried on. “I love painting with you, and how you tell me I’ve gotten a lot better at it even though we both know that’s not true. I love that you get a long with my friends. I love that I can take you and Benny over to JJ’s for playdates. Surprisingly, I love playdates. I love how you let me read to Benny when you’re cooking. I love that he loves when I read to him. And of course I love your cooking.”

Tears formed in your eyes, blurring your vision. Tears of happiness. Tears of joy. The man standing in front of you was saying all of the right things, and he didn't even know it. Or maybe he did. You couldn't really tell. The intense emotions circling through your mind right now made it hard to think.

Spencer continued. Now that he started, he couldn't stop. He wanted you to know all of these things. He wanted you to know how he felt. 

“I love when we go grocery shopping all together, and how you give out to me for my bad diet habits. I love how that always makes Benny laugh. I love how you framed a photo of the three of us and hung it up on your wall, don’t think I didn't notice. I love building lego sets with Benny. I love how the two of you call me when I’m away on a case to make sure I’m okay and tell me about your day. I love the sound of your voice. I love... I love Benny.”

He paused for a split second.

“And I especially love you.”

Tiny salty droplets trailed down your cheeks as you fluttered your lashes. “You love me?” You asked quietly. Spencer nodded his head. “I do. I’m in love with you Y/N.”

You didn't say anything. 

Spencer thought he was done for when you let go of his hand. He thought he ruined it. His nose twitched. His stomach dropped. He was about to apologise, say that if you didn't feel the same way it was definitely more than okay. He just wanted you in his life. But he didn't get a chance too.

Instead, your hand was now holding his face. Your lips attached themselves to his in one breath. He instantly noted how they were softer than he could have ever possibly imagined.

You tasted like coconut chapstick. Like bliss, delight. Instinctively, Spencer’s arm wrapped itself around your waist pulling you as close as humanely possible. He could feel your heart beating in rhythm with his. As your hand tangled itself in his curly hair, he wished this moment could last forever.

When you pulled away breathless, your cheeks were flushed pink. You briefly bit down on your bottom lip before once again meeting Spencer’s inviting gaze - his arm still holding you in a tight embrace. 

“Tell me again.” You whispered. Spencer’s lips circled into a warm smile. “I love you.” He declared. You slowly traced along his jawline with your fingertips. A bright bream circling your features. “I love you too Spencer.”

The second those words filled the air, he picked you up by the waist and spun you around. A carefree shriek slipped out from your mouth. He set you down and gently grabbing your face, he hauled you in for another kiss.

“You have no idea how long I have wanted to tell you all of those things.” He muttered against your lips. His stubble grazing your chin.“How long I’ve been wanting to kiss you.” You giggled.

“Maybe one day you can enlighten me, but I think now we better crawl into that fort as it is way too quiet in there. Suspiciously quiet.” 

Spencer laughed. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.” The two of you broke apart. Hand in hand, you joined Benny inside the pillow kingdom. 

The boy was tangled up in a fuzzy blanket, slowly drifting asleep. He cuddled himself up to you the second your back hit the ground. You kissed the top of his head before turning to Spencer.

“Do you want to finish the movie?” You asked quietly.

“It’s okay.” He effortlessly squeezed his arm behind your neck. This allowed you to snuggle in closer and rest against him. “We can just lay here.” “What a perfect plan.”

The smile on your face caused Spencer's heart to skip a beat. He placed a kiss to your temple feeling 100% content.

It was Saturday morning. Saturday. A day Spencer used to spend grading papers and preparing class materials for the week ahead. Now, thanks to the woman sleeping peacefully beside him, his Saturdays looked much different.

Gradually, you stirred next to him. Eyes fluttering open as a yawn escaped your mouth. “Mhmm, good morning.” “Good morning beautiful.”

“How much time do you think we have?” You asked while stretching. “I would say,” Spencer glanced at the imaginary watch on his wrist. “, about five minutes.” He looked down at you and began slowly leaning in. You couldn't help but let out a soft giggle. “Let’s make ‘em count.”

A clatter of fast approaching feet caused you to halt right as your lips were about to touch. Spencer groaned knocking his head back against the wooden headboard. 

“Your calculations were a little off Dr. Reid.” You teased sitting up as he ran his fingers through his ruffled hair. He looked at you once again with the kindest smile. You loved that smile. 

“My apologies Mrs. Reid.” He pecked your lips just as the door flew open, your kids bursting through.

-

masterlist

spencer reid taglist: @no-honey-no​, @calm-and-doctor​, @idroppedmygourd​​

[the-shiftshop]

One Touch - Part 1

Inspired by @dark-limbo​​. Might want to check this blog out!

DISCLAIMER: This story might not focus on character development and plot. The story you’re about to read will solely focus on having fun with writing erotic stories. Nevertheless, this story will be filled with foreplay, intimacy and sex, a lot of sex. If straight forward stories are not your thing, I apologize, but otherwise you want to enjoy reading intimate scenes, then welcome and hop on.

This story, One Touch, will also be interactive in a way where the most votes in the poll below will be followed in the next chapter. Enjoy

TO VOTE FOR THE POLL FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER, CLICK HERE

All I need is one touch. Just one touch to take control of anyone I want. Just one touch to make them do what I ask them to. I’ve been training with this new found power for over a year now, thanks to that Guide to Hypnosis book that I’ve bought for a very good price.

I’ve been hypnotizing my way throughout my sophomore year. My freshman year had not been that great and through making people do what I want, I’ve been getting great scores that made me catch up with my grades. Just one touch, I make my professors alter my grade, or make my homework, or make them think that they’ve been taking care of me and it’s their job to make sure I do great in school. I’ve been getting free coffee in the university café since the start of my sophomore year. Just one touch to make the manager think I’m their special costumer.

So far I have almost done everything that I have always wanted with hypnosis, except one that I have been craving since I’ve learned about hypnosis. No, it’s not about getting famous. It’s not about robbing a bank and getting away with it with hypnosis. It’s not about getting revenge on people who did me wrong.

It’s intimacy.

I may have touched other people’s hands, arms or shoulders, but even my own body is touch deprived. I’ve been wanting someone to touch me, grope me, kiss me, make them do whatever I ask them to. Now with this power, I can finally make anyone have intense intimacy with me. I’ve trained for over a year for this. I can’t let every attempt fail and make them weirded out, or let people know I can hypnotize anyone I want.

So far, I’ve tried this once with my roommate, Robert.

It was our finals in sophomore. Robert is sitting on his bed, studying for our exams. Looking somewhat stressed, groaning while flipping through the pages of the print-outs which he borrowed from me, and then scrolling through his laptop. I should have been studying as well, but there was something I’ve been focusing on other than studying. Still nervous if this will work, my heart beating fast.

To be honest, I’m not really that attracted to Robert. I find him cute, muscular and all, but I have never considered having sex with him, but so far he’s the only one available right now.

“I’m tired!” Robert complained and dropped my print-outs on the floor. This gave me an opportunity not to miss. I quickly grabbed my print-outs from the floor.

“Dude. Told you to take care of my stuff.” I said, standing up.

“Sorry, man. I’m just super stressed with this one. I give up.” He said, lying down.

I handed out my print-outs to him which at first, he ignored. “Robert, just grab this already.”

“Nah! Let me sleep.” He replied.

Not losing hope, I placed a hand on his arm. Just touching his arm made a significant change, which is always a hint that he’s already in trance. As soon as I touched his skin, he took a deep breathe and his breathing went slower, introducing him to a much relaxed state. I grinned, thinking the first step worked.

“Sit back up.” I said, he followed.

“Why not, let me give you a massage on my bed? Stand up and go to my bed, then lie on your chest.”

“Sure. I think I need a massage.” He replied in his usual tone

This is common with people I control. They’ll just follow whatever I ask them as if they have their free will. They still act like themselves, talk and reply in affirmation to whatever I ask them to do.

Robert grabbed his phone and dove to my bed.

He started scrolling through his phone and then stopped for a while to look at me.

“What’chu waiting for?” He asked, smiling at me, excited for his massage.

I moved near beside his hip, my left leg above the bed in a position where I can give him a massage with me beside him. I started massaging his back. That was the time I have been that close to Robert. I have never touched any part of his body, heck even a pat on the back, or a man hug. I have shook his hand when we first men in freshmen year, but that was when I don’t know about hypnosis yet.

“Feeling good already?” I asked him. I knew I have not been properly massaging him, but with just this question, he groaned in pleasure.

“Yeah, man. That feels great.”

I couldn’t wait that long anymore. I moved my hands on his exposed skin once more and he look another deep breath.

“Kiss me.” Just a simple command.

He sat back up and without wasting any second, he pulled me by my head and placed his lips on mine. He was not doing anything else but a smack. I nervously moved a hand to his crotch. He was not hard at all. That was just a smack. I pulled away and he was just staring at me, not saying anything. I moved my hand to his perk nipples and teased them through his shirt.

“How does this feel?” I asked.

“Nothing at all.” He replied.

“Then it’ll start feeling great every second.” I stared in his eyes.

He started to blush. With a pinch, he adjusted himself on my bed, then gave a very soft moan. I placed another hand on his other nipple which drove him moaning hard.

“How does this feel?”

“It feels weird, man, but... They’ve never been this sensitive before...” He ended with another moan. I can see his cock finally bulging through his shorts.

“Let me touch you down there.” I said.

“Anything you want.” He agreed so I moved my right hand to his hard on.

“Horny?”

“So much. You’re so good...” Again, he ended with a moan.

“Why not play with mine too?” I removed my hand from his nipples but kept the other hand on his cock just to give his arms space to touch me too.

“Sure thing...” He was looking away from me but his hand went to my own hard on. “You’re hard too... Damn you’re big.”

“You wanna see?”

“Yeah.”

This time, my heartbeats got so fast that I may faint in no time. I relaxed myself for a while first, but his hand touching my cock is just droving me to a much aroused state.

“Let me see yours too.” I said.

He immediately pulled his cock out his shorts. He grabbed my hand and guided it to his shaft which again made him moan hard. His other hand pulled on my shorts to make my cock peek out.

“This might be too much to ask but...” He trailed off, I stared at him as he look away. He’s obviously super shy right now too. His cheeks are burning red. Still, he brought himself to his own courage. “Can you stroke me more?” He asked.

“If you’ll let me sit above you, I’ll stroke you more.”

He nodded and let his head fall back as I stroke him more. I moved closer to him, sat on his lap as I stroke him with one hand. My other hand pulled his face closer to mine. I stared him in the eye, but he tries to look away in embarrassment.

“No need to be embarrassed here. You’ve been confused about your sexuality ever since you’ve met me. I’m just trying to help you find the true you.”

“The true me...” His face blanked out for a bit as his memories adjust, with his moans still being consistent, then he came back to his senses once more.

“Look at me in the eye.” I commanded, he followed. “Look at my lips. Look at my body.” I followed. “There’s no need to be shy around me. You should even be thankful that I’m helping you release stress.”

“I am... very thankful...” He said in between moans. “Fuck, this feels so good.” He exclaimed, switching his focus from my eyes, lips and my body. “I’m gonna cum... Do it faster.”

“Touch my body.” I said, his hands move into my shirt.

I stroke him harder. Feeling his muscle tense a lot, seeing his views bulge against his skin. Before he release, I gave him one last command.

“You’ve been keeping that in for weeks now. That’s gonna be a huge load.”

“Y-Yeah! Yeah, it will! Oh fuck!” He screamed as he finally blew his load all over our clothes. I watched as a torrent of cum blow all over his chest, face and hair. Some even went into his mouth. After a few seconds, he stopped. Panting, he stared at me. He looks so cute and erotic at the same time. I wanted my release too.

“Come here.” I pulled him close and kiss him deep. He followed suit and let out tongues intertwine. His arms hugging me, our clothes and body sticky with cum. We continued as I grind my own cock against him. It didn’t take long as I was already near my limit just by looking at Robert like this, I came too.

After all of that, I asked him to join me in the shower. I let him clean me, touch my body, then I cleaned him back. In the end, we got dressed and went back to our own businesses.

“Hey.” Robert called. “Thanks for the massage.”

I chuckled. “You’ll be coming back for more after this finals.”

“I will be” He agreed.

And that was the first time I had sex with anymore. Although, there wasn’t any penetration, I’ve been satisfied. Thanks to just one touch.

Finals had ended. Robert and I went separate ways for a while and went to our own families. It will take us 2 or 3 months until we meet again, but that’s not really disappointing.

I’m planning to enjoy the break with any men that I see, take control over them, dominate them or get dominated by them. Make then my own puppets while they think they’re doing everything in their own accord.

Thanks to that first time, I now feel confident, I think I can finally try getting any men naked.

-------------- Thank you everyone stopping by. If the poll does not appear below, click on the link to lead you to the poll website!

https://www.opinionstage.com/theshiftshop/who-should-appear-next

[that-blue-vault-dweller]

Hi I have another one! Companions react to Nora acting like they are in a super hero comic. She gives them super hero names and she goes “Pow!!! Zap!!! Boom!!” When they fight bad guys. When they ask who she is she gives them her hero name instead of her real one. When she brings her companion to her “secret lair” (her house) Her room is full of hero comic merch that she and her husband used to collect along with drawings of her and her husband and some pictures of them as super heroes.

I'm sorry this one took so long to do! It took me a while to think of everyone's superhero names, lol 😂 This one was really unique, and I really love it! 😊

Thank you so much for the request! 🥰 I hope you enjoy!!! 💙💛

Cait - Is referred to as Red Victory. Cait thinks the entire superhero thing is ridiculous, but she does like the name. It sounds really tough albeit cheesy. She thinks F!Sole is a little crazy for shouting comic book sound effects, but she doesn't really care that F!Sole introduces the both of them as their superhero names, and when people look at her questioningly, she just shrugs and says that at least it sounds cooler than Cait. However, when F!Sole takes Cait to the "secret lair" at her house and she sees all of the drawings as well as actual pictures of her and her husband dressed up as superheroes and all of the superhero-themed merchandise, Cait quickly understands precisely what is going on with the woman. The realization does not really change her view, but now that she understands it, she is much more aware of what it all means to F!Sole.

Piper - Is now officially dubbed Cherry Bomb. Piper actually legitimately grins when she first hears it. She thinks that it's hilarious and when F!Sole explains that she's called Cherry Bomb because she's feisty, small, and occasionally explosive, Piper is actually laughing. When F!Sole starts shouting comic book sound effects when they defeat enemies, Piper just rolls with it. When F!Sole introduces them as their superhero names, Piper usually laughs at the crazy looks they receive before introducing herself as her real name. Of course, most people already know her, but it's still funny. However, when F!Sole shows Piper the "secret lair," Piper is stricken and she feels terrible for the woman next to her. But she also feels quite honored that F!Sole thinks so highly of her to include her in something that F!Sole and her husband were so deeply interested in. She does not stop reintroducing herself as her real name, but she does start doing it when F!Sole is distracted and doesn't overhear. Similarly to F!Sole, she also starts calling out comic book sound effects like "Pow!" when she hits enemies.

Curie - Has become the Mad Scientist. She is at first upset and somewhat offended by the nomenclature. However, when F!Sole explains that it is because she has mad skills (which is a good thing) and she is a scientist, Curie is much happier and even sort of likes the superhero name. When F!Sole shouts comic book sound effects, Curie giggles ridiculously and even contributes some herself. However, when F!Sole introduces them as their superhero names, she insists upon telling people their real names. But when F!Sole shows her the "secret lair," Curie feels awful for F!Sole and she actually starts to cry a little for her. However, after that, while Curie is not a fan of introducing themselves as their superhero names, she does wholeheartedly pitch in when it comes time to yell sounds.

MacCready - Is now Headshot. He secretly adores the name and the entire superhero thing, but he tries to keep it quiet because he wants to look at least a little cool. He doesn't really mind the both of them being introduced as their superhero names and he actually is completely on board when she is shouting comic book sounds. He figures that everyone that hears him will probably be dead by the end of the fight anyway, so there's no real reason to be embarrassed about it. When she shows him the "secret lair," he immediately feels terribly awkward and it takes him a little time after that to fully slide back into the superhero routine.

Deacon - Has earned the title the Veiled Vigilante. He actually likes it quite a bit, and he sometimes is the one introducing them as their superhero names. When she is shouting random comic book noises, he throws in a few as well, unable to keep from laughing a bit when he does. Overall, the superhero thing works well for him since it allows an even more greatly hidden secret identity. However, when he learns about the "secret lair," he understands the deep meaning with the superhero obsession. So after that, he just takes an even more active role in introducing the two as their superhero identities.

Codsworth - Is officially named the Sterling Perry. He just goes with it, knowing the significance of the entire superhero thing. When she introduces the two of them as their superhero names and when she is screaming "Kablam!" at the top of her lungs, it does not bother him at all. Actually, he feels quite sorry for her, and when they visit the "secret lair," he tells her that he is always there if she wants to talk about it.

Hancock - Is now dubbed the American Patriot. He adores this name and he thinks it is quite humorous when she shouts comic book sound effects. He actually does not mind for her to introduce herself as her superhero name, but he always follows up his superhero name with his real name. But when she shows the "secret lair" to him, he softens about that particular aspect, and he makes sure to try to sometimes let his superhero name stand alone. After all, if it brings a smile to her face and makes her happy, that is perfectly good enough for him.

Danse - Has earned the name of the Iron Tank. He thinks it is pretty ridiculous, but he keeps his thoughts to himself mostly. When she introduces them as superheroes, he furrows his brow and does not particularly like it. When she is screaming comic book sound effects, he tells her that things make plenty enough noise for themselves without her adding to it.  However, after he is shown the "secret lair," he is quickly thrown off and he apologizes for criticizing her ways. From then on, he never complains again about her strange superhero obsession.

Preston - Is officially named Rain-Man. He asks about her logic in this, and she says that he made her think of it when he randomly said "at least it's not raining" one day. He honestly just tries to laugh it off a little when she introduces the both of them as their superhero names, and he honestly is a little weirded out when she starts shouting "Pow!" However, when she shows him the "secret lair," he has a much greater understanding about the reasoning behind all of it. Therefore, next time she starts shouting, he does not react at all and might throw out an experimental "Boom!" himself.

Valentine - Is declared Neon Noir. He actually legitimately laughs a little when he hears it. It is the strangest name he has ever heard, but he figures that if it makes her happy, it's okay with him. However, when she introduces them as their superhero names, he has to interject and tell people their true names. He does not think it is quite appropriate to take the superhero names that seriously. When she shouts the comic book sound effects, on the other hand, it does not really bother him, and he finds it to be cute. But when she shows him the "secret lair," he is immediately very sad and he immediately deeply understands her logic. From then on, he tries to discuss superhero stuff a little bit more often with her.

X6-88 - Has become Death-Shadow. He thinks that this entire thing is somewhat preposterous. But he does secretly like the name Death-Shadow. He feels that it describes him perfectly. He also thinks that it sounds pretty threatening, too. He does not complain when she introduces the both of them as their superhero names and actually secretly likes to be called Death-Shadow despite its lack of practicality. However, he is not particularly fond of how she shouts comic book sound effects. When they visit the "secret lair," his feelings don't change much about the sound effects, but he grows even more fond of the name "Death-Shadow."

Dogmeat - Is now Pooch Quantum. He does not really care what she calls him or if they're introduced as their actual names or superhero names as long as he gets lots of pets and attention. He barks along when she is shouting crazy sound effects, and he just finds the entire thing to be extremely fun since it brings such a smile to her face.

Strong - Is still Strong. He does not want anything to do with superhero stuff, and he is terribly confused when she starts calling him something different from his actual name and introduces him as something else besides Strong. Besides, Strong does sort of sound like a superhero name. He grows quite irritated when she introduces herself as Lady Quantum, and he does not like when she starts doing comic book sound effects. When she shows him the "secret lair," it honestly does not matter to him any more than it did before she showed him.

Maxson - Is referred to as Captain Beard-Man. He absolutely despises the name, especially since F!Sole has dubbed herself as Lady Quantum. He honestly wishes that he had something that cool instead of something that sounds as dumb as Captain Beard-Man. He hates it when she introduces them both as their superhero names, and he thinks the entire thing is absolutely preposterous. Especially when she is making comic book sounds like "Wham!" and whatnot. However, it soon all makes sense when the both of them visit her "secret lair." He is suddenly much more tolerant of the entire superhero thing, although he does privately think that she needs to visit with Knight-Captain Cade for psychiatric consultancy.

Sturges - Has now become the Mechanist. He thinks that it fits pretty well given the fact that he's tinkering so much. However, when she introduces him by that name and herself by Lady Quantum, he's not too sure how he feels, but he mostly shrugs it off and makes a mental note to tell the person their real names later. Her shouting comic book sound effects does not really bother him either. He thinks it's a little strange, but once again, he just shrugs it off. When she shows him the "secret lair," however, he starts to care a lot more and he understands that she's trying to involve him in a very special thing. Therefore, he puts a little more effort into remembering things about superheroes, and he sometimes talks to her about them. In other words, he remembers something wrong and it gives her an opportunity to explain it all in that adorably gushing manner.

Glory - When she is called the Silver Streak, she does not really like the connotation. However, when F!Sole explains that she has white-silvery hair and she is like a streak because she fights through her enemies with the greatest of ease, Glory suddenly decides that she likes the name much more than she did. She actually does not mind being introduced as her superhero name and she likes to feel like they're a superhuman team as F!Sole shouts crazy stuff like "Pow!" and "Kablooey!" When she is taken to F!Sole's secret lair, however, she realizes the truth behind the ordeal, and she feels bad for the woman as she truly understands her reasons. Glory then takes it upon herself to comment about how she likes these superhero names and thinks superheroes are pretty cool.

[the-ghost-king]

Schizophrenic Nico, here's why I think it's possible:

I want to start off by saying these are just my thoughts, there is no one way to be schizophrenic or to have schizophrenia. It's also important to note that many of the schizophrenic symptoms overlap with other mental illnesses/nuerodivergences like ADHD, Autism, Depression, and OCD which I know many people who head canon Nico as having. I'm not arguing schizophrenic Nico is more correct, more canon, or more right, but to explain some thoughts on why I think it's possible/very likely he does so I can use this for future reference in various thing.

I am using the term schizophrenia as a catchall for all "types" of schizophrenia, but not for schizoaffective disorder which I would say Nico probably doesn't have.

Children born in the winter/those who were "sickly" as babies are more likely to develop schizophrenia. It may also be possible if your mother was sick while pregnant with you, or having a father who was significantly older when he had you.

A stressful life, especially trauma, are more likely to develop schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. It likely has something to do with excessive dopamine production, but it may also have something to do with the same genes that control the sleep-wake cycle. Schizophrenia is more common with other mental illnesses or with other nuerodivergences or developmental delays.

Common symptoms include:

Hallucinations

Delusions

Disorganized thinking

lack of motivation

slow movement

change in sleep patterns

poor grooming or hygiene

changes in body language and emotions

less interest in social activities

Now what does this mean for Nico, and why do I think it's likely he has Schizophrenia?

Let's start with Nico's childhood, "children born in the winter/those who were "sickly" as babies are more likely to develop schizophrenia". Although Rick proposed two birthdays for Nico, the fandom generally accepted the January date more fully. We also know that Nico is described as small when he was younger, smallness is common in children who grow up sickly, but it is also common in children who's mother was ill while pregnant with them. We obviously don't know if Nico was sick as a kid, or if Maria was sick while pregnant with him, but again being born in the winter makes these things more likely, as well as consideration for the time period Nico grew up in and the larger variety of illnesses going around at the time. (He is vaccinated against some things though).

Trauma and Nico... do I really have to go into super detail on this one? He spent his childhood growing up in a fascist country that was extremely racist/anti-Semitic/homophobic/etc, his mom died when he was a child- in front of him, his father intentionally gave him amnesia, his sister died when he was a child, he then proceeded to become homeless living/spending lots of time with Minos who verbally (and possibly physically) abused him, becoming aware of his past memories, becoming aware of the fact that many people hated him because of his father and because they thought he was joining the other side (therefore, he was "bad"), he fought in many battles as a child, fought monsters alone, was often faced with life or death situations, went to Tartarus alone (where the goddess of misery told him he was "perfect"), was trapped in a hostage situation with little/no air for a long time while people debated whether or not to save him, was outed against his will, was freed only to travel again fighting monsters and then win a battle, was eventually made to quest with Apollo despite still having lots of healing to do in ToN. So stressful life? Fuck yeah, that doesn't being to cover it.

Genetic factors, obviously nothing here is confirmed so I'm speculating a little bit again, but the common idea in regards to Hades children through the series is that they are "bad". Mental illnesses have been stigmatized for hundreds, if not thousands of years, and often mentally ill people were made out to be weird/bad/etc. It's more than possible there is some sort of genetic factor taking place, also "having a father who was significantly older when he had you". Although I doubt godly genes work the same as mortal ones (trust me I have lots of thoughts on how god genetics/DNA work, but that's not the point right now), I think Hades being the oldest out of all his brothers and having a reputation for having "questionable" children says something... We have no information on Maria's family history at all.

As for schizophrenia often occurring with other mental illnesses and/or neurodivergences: Nico canonically is implied to have either ADHD and/or Autism, and is canonically stated to have PTSD. I think most people would agree that saying Nico has or has had depression isn't a stretch in the slightest.

So canonically we can all agree Nico has severe trauma and coinciding mental health issues/neurodivergences, so out of 4 possible issues I’ve first presented we guaranteeably have two. If I wanted to stretch this a little I would give myself a half point for him being born in the winter and a half point for the aspect of Hades genetics but I won’t do that.

On top of that schizophrenia usually appears during teenage and young adult years in people who receive diagnosis; most people live with mental illness for a few months or a few years in some cases before they're able to receive a diagnosis. Nico being 15 (16 by the end of ToN/shortly following the end of ToN) is about the age that schizophrenia would start to make an appearance. It's also more likely to be found in men, with men also noticing the appearance of schizophrenia appearing early in their lives, and experiencing more negative symptoms in comparison to the higher commonality of affective symptoms in women. That's a really complicated explanation to basically say there's 3 more things that would make Nico having schizophrenia make more sense.

Alright, let’s go back to the list of symptoms I provided:

Hallucinations

Delusions

Disorganized thinking

lack of motivation

slow movement

change in sleep patterns

poor grooming or hygiene

changes in body language and emotions/behavior

less interest in social activities

Once again, some of these are not solely related to schizophrenia and can be the result of other mental health issues, I’m just going to go down the list and add in some moments from the books in which Nico shows some of these traits/behaviors.

Delusions/Hallucinations (more later)

Our best chances for understanding Nico's thought process is in Blood of Olympus where he has a P.O.V... Sometimes Nico's thoughts do derail, or sometimes they get a little confusing, but not always, and when talking to others he is consistent and aware of what he's saying, as well as blunt. Anything "off" about his thought patterns to me just seems like ADHD..

Dietary changes (whether or not you think he has an eating disorder) are behavioral changes (I personally think Nico has AFRID)

Within House of Hades Nico's poor sleep patterns are constantly referenced, and I'll give him a pass on poor hygiene because he's in the middle of a quest but still..

I have extremely complicated feelings on what Will says here, it's possible Nico is an extremely unreliable narrator (unlikely, it seems many people are bothered by him and only maybe a handful aren't), I've also thought at many points this was Rick trying to backtrack some stuff with Nico because he realized he'd made his story a little too harsh for a kids book, it could also be Will's trauma kicking in and that happening... I'm not counting it as full proof about Nico disliking social interactions, but Nico does try to leave even after this conversation and isn't convinced to stay until the last chapter, so maybe there's something to be said about people's dislike of him for being a Hades kid- but I think it's fair to say Nico also dislikes people at least some because he doesn't have interest in trying to befriend anyone either, and is quick to assume all people dislike him (paranoia/low self esteem/and some other possible stuff). There's lots of discussions to be had about this quote and other similar ones, and I don't think a broad brush approach of "Nico good everyone else bad" is accurate it's more, "Nico is good but he fails to try and you have to work on your own mental health everyone won just go to you, and also people dislike Nico for silly reasons and need to get over themselves and make an effort too". (I'm extremely oversimplifying my thoughts and feelings to keep it brief.)

More on delusions and hallucinations:

Now I want to state that lots of schizophrenia symptoms share a lot of commonalities with ADHD and with depression, so although I might include some moments you think are just ADHD/depression I wouldn’t necessarily disagree with you but they could also be schizophrenia or coexisting mental health issues/divergences. I also went through the DSM-5 for schizophrenia (the DSM-5 is just this big book with lists and it’s how doctors diagnose any mental health issue/divergence), I also looked through the DSM-IV (an older book from before DSM-5 which is no longer really used) and the differences between the diagnosis was fairly minimal but they quit categorizing types of schizophrenia and instead rely more on a couple of word descriptions that seem more in line with a spectrum rather than a checkable box.

In order to receive a schizophrenia diagnosis, two (or more) of the following, each present for a significant portion of time during a 1-month period (or less if successfully treated), and at least one of these symptoms must be (1), (2), or (3):

Delusions

Hallucinations

Disorganized speech (frequent derailment or incoherence)

Grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior

Negative symptoms (i.e., diminished emotional expression or avolition).

It’s important to note that only one of these need to be checked off/true if the patient has voices which narrate their actions/behaviors/thoughts or if the person has more than one voice conversing with each other.

Nico deals with auditory hallucinations (2), he believes the voice belongs to Bob, his titan friend he left in Tartarus:

However this isn’t and immediate diagnosis because Bob’s voice doesn’t talk to another voice(s) in Nico’s head, and we don’t know if Nico has voices running commentary on his behaviors/thoughts.

The reason I state we are unaware if Nico has commentary isn’t because Nico hasn’t said anything, but because many people with schizophrenia before their diagnosis believe the narrative voices are just their thoughts and are a normal internal monologue- usually patients don’t realize anything is wrong until the voices start providing commentary on their actions so instead of “washing the dishes now” the voice(s) might say “wash the dishes now, you’re so lazy you can’t do anything, idiot” during a period of psychosis which may help them acknowledge that the voice(s) isn’t the way most people experience internal voice(s). It is very possible Nico is unaware he is experiencing narrative thoughts and simply assumes that his experience is something most people have, but I won’t use this to argue my point because it’s not confirmation of anything.

Returning now to Bob, Nico knows he is hearing Bob’s voice but he believes Bob is calling to him from Tartarus. Now, Nico says the voices are calling to him from Tartarus but there’s no confirmation of this anywhere… What I think is happening is Nico has a guilty conscience. He feels bad for “using” Bob to get out of Tartarus and various other things, so he feels bad that he is still down there. However, we don’t really know if Bob is calling to him or if Bob is able to do that- what I personally think is happening here is Nico’s brain is convincing Nico that Bob needs him because Nico is upset with himself for not helping Bob more, but also because Nico has never “sat still” before without a quest. Nico has also always felt the want to be needed/important...

It very well could be a delusion.

Schizophrenic patients often experience delusions which make them think they are destined for greatness, or that they have some divine/high force calling out to them for help that only they can provide. It’s an extremely common thing in individuals who experience delusions, and is in fact one of the most common delusions experienced. So although Bob could really be calling out to Nico, I don’t think he is, it doesn’t entirely make sense and there’s lots of little things which point to it being not entirely real- like the fact that nobody else knows about it? Or how absolutely sure Nico is that he need to return to Tartarus? It seems like a mixture of PTSD, delusions, and trauma response (returning to the trauma), working against him. I’ll say delusion is very likely (1).

Using these two factors alone there’s sufficient evidence for diagnosis, but let’s keep going just to see.

For disorganized speech (3) this isn’t something Nico seems to struggle with, and even if he did “derailing” could be ADHD or Autism, so I don’t think this symptom pertains to him.

Changes in behavior (4), seem to all be explainable via depression and/or PTSD- he has begun to express emotion again in Tower of Nero upon learning of Jason’s death he is said to be upset by Will and he walks off to be alone, seems like depression to me. Emotional/Behavior changes from schizophrenia tend to relate more to bipolar disorder rather than a depressive disorder, so I would say if Nico has schizophrenia he probably doesn’t have emotional or behavioral changes from it. If he did he might have some catatonic behavior, but this seems to be clearing up some in Tower of Nero so I’m not super sure on that, maybe during bad periods of psychosis behavioral changes occur, but I would lean more towards this isn’t a symptom Nico personally deals with. Negative symptoms (5) tie into this same idea, it’s possible it’s schizophrenia, but it’s more likely PTSD or depression at work.

So why do I care so much about the possibility of Nico being schizophrenic?

I feel like canonically/fanonically making Nico schizophrenic does a few things, firstly schizophrenic rep in media is extremely extremely awful- can you think off the top of your head of a schizophrenic character who isn't from a horror film/a murder/a villain in their own story? Maybe, but personally I can only think of one which is Charlie from Perks of Being a Wallflower- and even then? That's not canon, it's only implied- and it might not even be true

Schizophrenic media representation always paints schizophrenic people as bad, scary, and evil, and although the horror genre is extremely well known for being super ableist, transphobic, racist, homophobic, and misogynistic (just the final cherry on top) having one of the first- if not the first openly confirmed schizophrenic characters in children's media not only be someone who has lots of character development, and isn't a stereotype, but also be someone people have grown up with, cared for, and sympathized with- would be extremely monumental.

People with schizophrenia and other related disorders aren't something to be scared of or to think of as bad, and often times they're more bothered by whatever they're experiencing than you are.

I don't have schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder or anything like that, but I have various undiagnosed mental health issues which often lead to me questioning reality, or having to set aside time to convince myself that no there isn't a man living in my wall... Having a character have to question those things, work through those feelings, and learn to trust themselves and care for themselves even with those difficulties would be really great to see in media, not just for people with schizophrenia but also for people with similar/related disorders who might share symptoms see parts of their own struggles in a good, educative way.

I have to finish this in two parts because tumblr keeps breaking because there's too many words in my post lmao (2nd part here)

[silverbastardgoldenfool]

Realm of the Quarantine Reread End-of-Book Questionnaire: The Mad Ship

Warning: this is even fucking longer than the last one oh my god I'm so sorry. If you do feel like braving it I suggest grabbing a cuppa to keep you company :)

Any differences between your first/previous reading experience and this one?

I won’t go into it too much because I already wrote a whole post (or two?) about it and there are likely more to come, but ohhhhhh boy did I cringe through just about every moment of Kennit’s POV. This has to be one of the starkest differences of any of these books because Kennit is a character who we aren’t allowed to understand until the end of the trilogy, so of course that pulls everything to do with him into an entirely new focus on a reread. There is so, so much that appeared to have no meaning - or completely different meaning - on a first read that is actually heavy foreshadowing or a huge insight into his character. And the reason this perspective shift hits different in this book compared to the last is because all of the most disturbing moments are related to Wintrow. I guess on my first read Kennit succeeded in convincing me as well as himself that what he felt for Wintrow was just some vague paternal instinct. Not that it’s not - in some weird, warped way? But obviously there’s so much more to it and yeah. I sure did make some faces while reading this book.

Another thing: I was so struck by the authenticity of Amber’s relationships in this book. She lived with Brashen aboard the Paragon, she is cramped up in a closet-sized cabin with Jek and Althea, she literally cares for Paragon like he’s her big enormous baby child. It’s not just the proximity, or that she has her Prophet moments where she creates bonds through portentous words and intense gazes. It’s the mundane moments that really matter; sharing a cup of tea with Brash and Althea at the end of a hard day, mutually venting with Althea while squished into their bunks, sitting by Paragon and telling him stories. There’s an ease and familiarity that blossoms between them that is just so lovely to see. And this is just the beginning of these relationships, really.

It’s just interesting because I tend to fall into the trap of thinking of Fitz as the centre of their world, and while that is true in a way, that doesn’t mean their other connections aren’t genuine or important to them, or that they aren’t a whole person on their own. I’m keen to see how these relationships develop in the next book, and to get to Assassin’s Fate (kind of lol. pain.) holding on to a renewed perspective of the importance of the bonds Amber forged in this trilogy. I barely remember anything from the final trilogy that isn’t Fitz/Fool related lol. I fucking suck. So it will be thoroughly compelling to get to see these characters interact again after so long has passed and everyone has changed so much. I still struggle to take off my Fitz/Fool goggles but my obsession clouded my vision to a ridiculous extent on my first read lol, so it’s been nice seeing Amber and her experience with clearer eyes this time. Obviously her connection to Fitz is highly significant and I give that the weight and attention it deserves, but I feel like I am able to see her as more of an individual on this read rather than solely focusing on how she relates to Fitz. To be fair to myself it also helps to read in order lol - you can imagine how impossible it would have been to read all the way up to and including Fool’s Quest and then go back and try to see the Fool as a separate person in their own story? Fitz and the Fool were so inextricably intertwined by that point that it just wasn’t going to happen.

Anyway, I know Amber doesn’t feel she can be her whole self here and as a result is still essentially lonely. I know she still misses Fitz. But also, she cares about these people and they care about her, and that’s not nothing. I’m just glad she has friends.

Something you can’t believe you forgot

It was Brashen who informed the Vestrits the Vivacia was taken by pirates.

Amber lived aboard Paragon for a long time. Alone for a long while and then sharing with Brashen.

The fact that Kennit was raised on Keyhole Island (I somehow thought he was raised on the ship, and that the island was Igrot’s).

Malta specifically went to free Tintaglia in hopes of freeing Reyn from her influence.

Also it wasn’t even Malta who managed to successfully free Tintaglia but Reyn and Selden (although Tintaglia still wouldn’t have been freed without Malta).

Just so much as usual!

Favourite character introduction moments/scenes

Tintaglia!! I love her spooky presence throughout the book but I’m specifically thinking of her POV at the end of the book. I know a lot of people hate the dragons but it’s called girlbossing, look it up.

Favourite character arcs

Okay Brashen’s arc is kind of adorable in this book?? He starts it out as a half-pirate with no self-esteem or direction, but he is driven by compassion to return to Bingtown in order to do right by the Vestrits when he learns Vivacia has been taken and ends up stepping up to help them, not only because it’s the right thing to do but because he believes in his ability to do it. I think that the purpose he finds in fixing up and captaining the Paragon has as much to do with his ability to stay clean as his lack of coin. Seeing how he comes into himself (especially through Althea’s eyes, who is so proud of him despite her jealousy) is quite heartwarming tbh.

Malta!! Finally her transformation begins! She still has a long way to go but that’s exactly it: her growth is nonlinear. When she is fighting with Reyn at the ball and she hears her father’s voice coming out of her mouth and is horrified but can’t seem to make it stop; we’ve all been there. Recognising the need for change does not automatically beget change. I also love that she doesn’t just become an entirely different person all of a sudden. She isn’t even evidently selfless or compassionate, she’s simply a little more rational, eg: she stops butting heads with her family because she recognises that they have to all work together if she has any hope of getting what she wants, because they all have the same goal which is to get her father/the ship back. But the skills she employs to try to achieve this end are ones she already had, and she can still lose her temper. And she can certainly still act impulsively, hence Tintaglia. I also love that although her father’s capture is the catalyst for her growth, it is still ultimately a cumulative effect of many different things. It’s her father’s capture, it’s seeing her family come together and make sacrifices, it’s the power of four women sitting together to reminisce over their jewellery as they organise to sell most of it off, it’s being confronted with the fact that it will never be safe to rely on a man’s power for her security, that weaponising femininity will only get her so far and that a woman must have power of her own if she is to get anything done, it’s seeing her father in herself and recognising that that is not a good thing, it’s seeing Reyn cry and realising that he is no less of a man for it, and that she doesn’t have to use his guilt against him, that they don’t have to be like her parents, that she can choose to forgive him and they can choose for themselves what kind of relationship they will have. I’m only the millionth person to say it, but her arc is an absolute masterclass and I’m excited to watch it progress in the next book.

Favourite relationships

Amber with everyone!! Paragon, Brashen, Althea. Maybe especially Althea though. I was living for every single one of their interactions, both because they were narratively or philosophically interesting and because they were just so………. Friend. Both of them spent the last book so frickin lonely that it was just so nice to see how much they genuinely care for each other and enjoy each other’s company.

Brashen and Althea still. I’m sorry I live for the yearning BUT that on its own would be worthless to me. It’s the fact that they butt heads but not in an annoying “we hate each other and that’s hot” way but in a “we understand and care about each other and we can’t help but hold each other to a higher standard because we know the other is capable of so much more” kind of way. They each hold up a mirror to the other that they don’t want to be confronted with, because it’s easier to be what is expected of you than to be yourself. I appreciate couples that challenge each other to be better but at the end of the day are still soft for each other. I just like them.

Paragon and Clef omg I would die for them!!!!!!!!

Wintrow and Etta. It’s cute to see her care for someone other than Kennit, and I think it’s a nice detail that she sees his little crush and just brushes it off bc that’s just what you do when a kid has a crush on you. They challenge each other’s worldview just by nature of who they are, but neither are doing it in a manipulative way like Kennit. I’m just glad Etta has a friend tbh.

Favourite setting

Trehaug is a vibe. Tried to pay more attention to the description this time and I mean yeah, it’s beautiful. Can’t say I’d wanna live there bc you know, earthquakes and acid river and all but lovely all the same.

Favourite chapter

Probably the one where Kennit goes to Keyhole Island. I swear I was stopping every two frickin seconds to take notes like there is SO much to unpack just crammed in there. But it’s also just kind of a cool chapter lol? Like, the setting, the secrecy, the twists and turns. It’s just fun? But like in a traumatic way :)

Most loved character

AMBER MY BELOVED. I feel like she’s in this book just enough for me to justify her being my fave lol. I just love love love love her. Close competition with Althea tho as usual.

Most hated character

Hmmm. Well, I will always hate Kyle but Ship of Magic was really his moment in the sun. What Kennit evokes would be more accurately characterised as dread than hate. Sa’Adar pisses me off lol but he peaces out relatively early. I guess it would have to be the Satrap cos I sure do hate that cunt.

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimised by Robin Hobb (most heartbreaking and/or visceral moments)

KENNIT’S AMPUTATION. YES I KNEW IT WAS COMING. NO THAT DID NOT SAVE ME.

Amber drinking brandyyyyyy like bro I was literally on the verge of tears

Just the entirety of Paragon’s floating. I almost cried so many times, it was so emotionallll

Althea’s attempted rape. I knew how it would go but I was still gripping the book so unbelievably hard. Absolutely fucking horrifying.

There aren’t that many moments to pinpoint exactly in this one. I was just super emotional in general.

Favourite quote/s

“Wintrow shattered like a cold glass filled with hot water.” - Wintrow POV

“One of the strangest things about you, my dear, is that you have no idea how wondrous you are.” - Amber, Paragon POV

“I think there is in the heart of a man a place made for wonder. It sleeps inside, awaiting fulfilment. All one’s life, one gathers treasures to fill it. Sometimes they are tiny glistening jewels: a flower blooming in the shelter of a fallen tree, the arch of a small child’s brow combined with the curve of her cheek. Sometimes, however, a trove falls into your hands all at once, as if some greedy pirate’s chest spilled before an unsuspecting beholder.” - Amber, Paragon POV

“He did not want to be reasonable, he did not want to be consoled with something else. He wanted his fury to be justified and proven.” - Kennit POV

“The wise man takes the shortest path to peace with himself.” - Wintrow, Kennit POV

“Why can’t people love one another and still remain free?” - Althea POV

“It would have been a lovely evening if he had felt good about anything.” - Brashen POV

“Half the evil in this world occurs while decent people stand by and do nothing wrong. It’s not enough to refrain from evil, Trell. People have to attempt to do right, even if they believe they cannot succeed.” - Amber, Brashen POV

“That’s how it’s done, Trell. You break your heart against this stony world. You fling yourself at it, on the side of good, and you do not ask the cost.” - Amber, Brashen POV

“Almost anyone can hold their breath and not scream for as long as it takes to die. True courage is facing life without flinching.” - Amber, Brashen POV

“No one can have so little that someone else can find nothing to envy.” - Kennit POV

“The pleading look in her eyes spoke eloquently but he chose to misunderstand.” - Kennit POV

“Let me finish this cup of tea while I ponder how hopeless it all is.” - Brashen POV

“I am a tale with no one left to tell me.” - Serpents POV

“You have a wild, young heart; right now, it is like a caged bird that batters itself against the bars. To struggle harder will only hurt you more. Wait. Be patient. Your time will come to fly. And when it does, you must be strong, not bloodied and weary.” - Amber, Malta POV

“Tomorrow owes you the sum of your yesterdays, no more than that.” - Amber, Malta POV

“To go without solitude is like going without salt.” - Amber, Althea POV

“She needed to think, she needed time to think, and instead everything just kept happening.” - Malta POV

“In my opinion, men deny animals have feelings and thoughts for one basic reason: so they won’t feel guilty about what they do to them.” - Amber, Althea POV

Details, observations, spoilery notes made with the benefit of the full picture

“Paragon you are a hopeless twit.” Tell me why Amber saying this immediately made me think of Fitz hahaha

I love that Kyle was such a shit captain that there is a noticeable difference in how much better the pirate crew sail Vivacia.

“They are no more fit to be in charge of themselves than a flock of chickens.” Rude to chickens. Another strike against Kyle.

First we had Kyle cracking the shits over his son not fighting a bear and now he’s cracking the shits over his son not single-handedly overthrowing Kennit and his entire crew lol my GUY. Get some fucking perspective I’m begging you. There aren’t even enough of your crew left to sail the ship without the pirates??

Kind of an obvious point but an important one: the slave characters in this series aren’t one-dimensional beacons of virtuous victimhood. They are human beings: neither good nor evil, just traumatised and complicated.

Gross how everyone refers to Etta as “Kennit’s woman.” :)

I wonder if Kennit is so accessible to Vivacia because he has been bonded with a liveship before, just like Ophelia found Althea particularly open to her since she grew up on a liveship?

Kennit’s Charm can sense Bolt within Vivacia

“What do you want of the boy-priest? Do you desire him?” First of all, gross. Second of all, things that make you wonder how you didn’t pick up on this story thread the first time??

Kennit directly compares Wintrow’s beauty to Etta’s, which really reinforces the truth of his attraction(?) to her being a sublimated desire born of unprocessed trauma. Highly unpleasant!

I forget whether the dragons have prophetic powers?? But both the Others and some wizardwood beings seem to? If they do, could that be one of the reasons why Reyn feels so sure of Malta, because Tintaglia has enough vague foresight to sense that Malta is instrumental to her freedom and Reyn shares that connection through their bond? I might be really reaching here lol but it does seem significant that Tintaglia pursues Reyn, Reyn pursues Malta, and eventually Malta ends up being the reason why Tintaglia lives.

Reyn and Malta are honestly so alike, which is really just a burn to both of them at this stage.

Althea not being able to enjoy what should be a pleasant time on the Ophelia because it feels “too easy” is a mood

Interesting that Ophelia calls Brashen a “rogue” yet he was never rough or “rakish” with Althea, and when Althea dreams of him she dreams of his “gentle strength.”

Althea says she would fulfil her family’s Rain Wild contract and marry into a Rain Wild family if necessary. Imagine what HELL that would be for her. She really does love her family and isn’t averse to making sacrifices for the greater good. The main reason she wouldn’t go along with Kyle taking the Vivacia is that it WASN’T for everyone’s greater good.

There’s a rumour that Brashen got a Three Ships girl preggo???? Brashhhh

Ahhhh when Althea hears this and decides that she had just fooled herself into thinking Brashen was infatuated with her when really she was just being a “slut” and he was taking her up on an easy offering… I know I would do the same thing but I wish she didn’t have to be so tortured over this :(

Ah yes, Grag “You’re-Not-Like-Other-Girls” Tenira

Look I don’t hate Grag but I also kinda hate Grag lol. I think he’s one of those characters that just hits a little too close to home with his specific brand of Nice Guy misogyny

Althea’s first thought when she realises Grag is trying to propose is “did I invite this” which is depressingly so fucking accurate

And then she says if he tried to kiss her she suspected she would let him and it’s like, because you want to kiss him? Or because you wouldn’t know how to say no?

I don’t think it’s really fair of Grag to do all this while they are still aboard the Ophelia and everything. I know he’s not trying to hold anything over Althea but the truth is it would be very hard for her to feel like she can be honest about her feelings and feel the right to say no when she feels she owes him and his dad so much, and especially while they are still at sea and she is still at the mercy of their whims. It’s just not the best power dynamic.

“I cannot imagine a better choice for a wife than you.” The word choice is so important. It’s like he’s… Hiring her? Like yes, you passed the interview and the trial process, and I think you’d be a great fit for the role of My Wife! Not because I’m in love with you or can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else, but because you tick all the boxes on this pre-made chart and I think you’d make a great addition to MY life. I’m not interested in adding to YOUR life tho. No need to even have your own life, just slot into mine, there’s a good girl :)

I think a lot of people take Althea at her word that she isn’t interested in Grag because he’s like… Too respectful? Not a “rogue” like Brashen supposedly is? But imo she only thinks this about herself because of internalised misogyny and especially her sexual trauma. Like, the guy who raped her when she was fourteen was a dashing, arrogant risk-taker - and she doesn’t call what he did to her rape, she just knows it was rough and that she had “invited it” with her interest. I feel like this has given her this idea that those are the kinds of guys she likes and the kind of treatment she wants/deserves, so she reads her disinterest in Grag as like, “What’s wrong with me that I don’t love this handsome, polite, respectful guy? It must just be that I’m broken inside and have a thing for bad boys who treat me like shit and don’t ask for consent!” Meanwhile she is actually turned off by Brashen’s bad boy behaviour (the cindin, the pirating) and when they had sex it was her idea (consensual), and it was right after he had been displaying gentleness and care by tending her wounds (which he went out of his way to do). I’m not saying Brashen is not a mess, but I don’t think it’s his messiness that she’s attracted to but his good heart. Hell, the second time they kiss (later in this book) is yet again after he shows her care after an injury! Althea is NOT a reliable narrator when it comes to her thoughts on sexual/gender relations. She is a soft bitch who wants to be loved with “gentle strength” and respect and tenderness. She is just simply not attracted to Grag beyond recognising his handsomeness, and his stale ass marriage proposal would be enough to dry any woman up for a lifetime like I’m sorry wtf was that?? Dusty!!!

And speaking of respect….. He doesn’t ACTUALLY respect her either. He likes what he sees on a very surface level and everything else is projection. Being well-mannered is not the same as respect. He does not take the time to get to know her or really listen to her when she says what she does and doesn’t want, what life she could or could not bring herself to live.

The whole “she would never desire to be kissed by a man who had first asked permission” is so fucking complex. First of all, it’s not fair to assume that this is a belief Robin Hobb is endorsing - it’s not fair to assume that about anything an author writes in a fictional story, but especially when she has explicitly written this character to have sexual trauma and severely fucked up ideas about sex in general, and since her arc is far from complete it makes more sense to me that this is being presented as a much more nuanced representation of Althea’s relationship with sex and consent as a whole. A lot of it comes back around to my thoughts on Malta’s abduction fantasy and how it is representative of how even women’s sexual fantasies are predicated on the law that women are not allowed to explicitly desire or enjoy sex. Abduction removes the victim’s culpability for whatever may happen “to” her, and so does a lack of verbal consent. So there is the element of Althea not wanting to be asked for consent because she does not want to be forced to admit that she wants what is being offered. You only have to remember how much guilt and shame she holds for sleeping with Brashen - which she initiated - to see the truth of this. She goes as far as to convince herself that he took advantage of her just so she can try to absolve herself of responsibility for her own desires. But then there is also the element of context for this statement; that context being Grag’s proposal, which is so dry and unromantic it’s no wonder she’s thinking “if this is what being respected is like, I’ll pass.” Again if we look at the one sexual experience she’s had and actually enjoyed, we can see that any implication here that she wants to be dominated or wants men to be forceful with her and not seek consent, is a lie she is telling herself. Because again, she initiated with Brashen, and he did not dominate her in any way. In fact, he did seek consent as he was the one to say it wasn’t a good idea etc. Even the sex itself was not rough but tender and emotional. So, in my opinion, regardless of whether or not Robin Hobb agrees with this sentiment, I think there is a hell of a lot more going on here than just the toxic idea that asking for consent kills passion.

I just genuinely appreciate the way Robin incorporates internalised misogyny with the way the female characters still police themselves and others even if they are outside the norm in some ways. Like, being a bit of a rebel doesn’t automatically make you woke in every way, your mindset is still victim to the values of the society you live in. It would have been easy to just make Althea a complete woke girlboss who wants to empower all women but no. She’s real; she has to navigate her own blindspots as we all do. As do all the women. They’re not out to solve sexism, they are just trying to make their way in the world.

Chalcedean wearing ‘battle trophies’ of finger bones bound with hanks of hair????????? Bitch what the fuck

Ophelia using her enormous flaming hand to yeet a Chalcedean galley into oblivion is poetic cinema

I, for one, welcome our new liveship overlord, The Ophelia.

When we meet Serilla she is almost in a position of power over the Satrap, able to invoke her position to demand respect. It makes what happens to her later even more troubling because it brings into focus that even women who seem to be protected by their social standing are just a click of a man’s fingers away from losing any semblance of power they thought they had. It’s in harmony with the realisation Malta comes to throughout this book, that any power a woman gains through a man is nothing more than an illusion of power, which can be snatched away as quickly as it is given and that if a woman wants meaningful power she must have her own.

Serilla was 19 and Cosgo 15 when she became heart companion to his father. It’s not stated how long ago this was so I’m not sure of their current ages.

Ronica “ticked off her concerns on her fingers” which Althea also did a couple chapters ago :) like mother like daughter

“Sometimes Ronica thought the only way to [teach Malta how to behave] would be with a strap.” Good lord Ronica! I know she doesn’t really mean it - I know she never actually does it - but still lol.

Kind of living for the Gatsby vibes of Reyn filling the sitting room with flowers

What’s so interesting about Reyn’s courting visit is that despite Malta’s age and gender she… Kind of has all the power here. Yes she is flattered by the gifts and attention but she has little thought about Reyn as a person. His attentions do little to sway her towards him because he’s giving her no more than she believes she deserves, and she will happily accept it all and brag to her friends and in the end still turn him away if she decides she’s not interested.

Vivacia holding Kennit’s soul together just like Verity holding Fitz together in the Skill stream.

Kennit understanding in his death that all he wants is love. ‘A love that could redeem and perfect him.’ ouch. He sees how much Wintrow and Vivacia hurt themselves by not surrendering to that love but doesn’t recognise how hard he himself fights it. And when he wakes up he will continue to do so.

Wintrow tries to “fix” Kennit by urging him to accept the parts of himself he has rejected, but it never really becomes clear how much insight Wintrow got into Kennit, or how much he retains. He was overwhelmed by the pain and horror of Kennit’s life but was it just a feeling or could he make out the actual events? I have to assume that either he didn’t see things explicitly or forgot once he disconnected from him. Vivacia says that Kennit keeps parts of himself secret from her so I guess yeah, Wintrow just got a sense of the emotions and that something was missing? Couldn’t tell ya

Etta’s mother was also a whore.

That sounds like I’m just roasting her lol but that’s … just the word they use in these books.

It’s literally soooooo fucking wild how much people project onto Kennit but I think it’s cos they’re pretty much forced to make these huge leaps of logic in order to be able to make the slightest bit of sense of his insane behaviour. Like, Etta hated Kennit in the beginning but grew to love him because she decided that his poor treatment was a lesson that this was all they could have together as long as she was a whore. Which, again, is wild, but is his actual reasoning any less wild than her deduction? That, ultimately, is his power: that his actions and the logic behind it is so incomprehensible to any normal person that they can’t help but project their own values onto him.

But at the end of the day it just sucks because Etta deserves so much better than the treatment she accepts from Kennit. She’s not stupid, either. She can be incredibly perceptive. It just so happens that Kennit is perfectly poised to take advantage of all her weaknesses.

It literally makes me wanna cry knowing that Amber sings to herself….. Stop

Amber and Paragon’s friendship is just aksdfahfdal no wonder he is so viciously jealous of Fitz later omg. Teaching him songs, playing games, teaching him to carve. It’s just so wholesome and she’s living on him for weeks if not months. Such a special bond :’)

I actually forgot that she had lived aboard him so this is all a very welcome very cute surprise.

I love Amber talking about seeing dragons flying overhead GIRL YOU WERE FLYING ONE

"Most women don't need time to think about whether or not they could love someone." wtf kind of women do u know Grag??

Althea actually is offended by Grag’s “you’re not like other girls” stuff. Go off queen!

Grag “Surprise-Kiss” Tenira. Go sit in the corner, son.

Althea and Ronica’s reunion….. Don’t talk to me I’m emo

I love that Amber just pops up out of nowhere while Althea is walking around Bingtown

Jek has long blonde hair.

Do we ever find out how Jek and Amber met? Because Amber says she’s an old friend but obviously not THAT old since Jek only knows her as Amber. So did they meet before Amber left the Six Duchies or is it just a coincidence that Jek is from there?

Absolutely warmed my lil heart Amber giving Althea a hug and telling her she thought of her often while she was away. Althea u do have a friend :’)

Realising that Amber has a personal as well as ethical stake in ending slavery since she herself was essentially a slave at Clerres :) I love to suffer

Keffria worrying about the propriety of Althea staying out all night as if she wasn’t already away for an entire year. sis get your priorities straight

Again no idea if this gets clarified later, but if the rock formation from Ship of Magic really was a dragon, was it killed by the Whites?

“Here's to irresponsible men who give in to their passions so women can claim it was none of their doing.” Amber you and I really do be on the same wavelength!!!

Really though, this is what I’ve been saying!! Althea (and all the women in this trilogy) will go to great lengths to deny to themselves that they have any sexual desire of their own because they are explicitly not allowed to. Look how Keffria treats Althea when she’s raped; that’s a microcosm of a society where sexual women are seen as trash.

Althea only sees herself as a wife and mother “in her worst nightmares.” Yes she does end up a wife and mother later (I don’t remember whether she and Brash are officially married but they may as well be at least) but the associated lifestyle is one she would not even be able to imagine possible right now.

“She had not realised how much she valued her friendship with Amber until it was threatened.” girl it’s not threatened just stop being so close-minded about bingtown traditions and open up to different ways of seeing things. If you’re gonna ice her out just bc she’s not a bingtown trader then yeah your friendship can only go so far

Amber seems to have very personal knowledge about the Satrap. Did she spend some time in Jamaillia before coming to Bingtown or is it just gossip from the slaves?

Cerwin is pathetic lol he’s literally like losing his mind and for what??? A child!!

I can excuse Reyn a bit more bc he’s literally been possessed by a dragon since he was god knows how old lol it makes sense that he’s not very mentally developed. One of the hardest things for me to get over with him is that he’s genuinely attracted to a 13 year old but at least with him I can kind of understand that like, first of all he has been sheltered in the Rain Wilds his whole life surrounded only by “deformed” people so perhaps doesn’t have the best frame of reference for what a “regular” woman looks like, and second of all when people die so early in the Rain Wilds, 13 is probably not considered as young there. I’m already hazy on details of Ship of Magic lol but I feel like Jani and Caolwn were kind of confused that Ronica and Keffria felt Malta was too young for courting. It doesn’t make it not weird/uncomfortable but Reyn’s attraction is at least a little more understandable?? compared to Cerwin who is a regular grown ass man who is out in society, probably socialises with plenty of women his own age and still has his sights set on the friend of his much younger sister who he has probably known since she was a baby… disgostang

Worth noting I’m not sure I even like Reyn that much (as a ‘person’, I do like him as an interesting character) so I don’t have much stake in defending him, I just do think there is a legitimate difference between him and Cerwin worth noting.

It’s astounding how little Keffria cares to even pretend to be happy to see Althea after a year apart

Keffria bringing up Althea’s rape bc Althea admonished Malta???? Keffria I will fight u

“What was she anyway? A husbandless, childless woman - a dead branch on this family’s tree.” good god malta, calm down. Also this should be my new bio xx

Ronica’s strained but impressive self-control in mediating and the deference the sisters eventually show her is such good writing of family dynamics!!!

According to Wintrow, Etta commands the crew through charm and persuasion. Which I find really interesting because you’d think she would be the harsh, authoritative type. To me it’s an indicator that she just feels so grateful to be where she is and feels like she’s found a home/family with the crew.

Wintrow beating up Sa’Adar… i mean go off king but wtf

Kennit’s skin is “swarthy.”

Wintrow’s wish for Kyle to just vanish out of his life is so relatable. Not hurt, not dead, just gone where he can longer hurt him.

When Wintrow tries to do some sort of spiritual healing on Kennit and it doesn’t work; is it because Wintrow isn’t doing it right or because Kennit is missing the thing that would make it possible for Wintrow to connect with the pain?

“The boy knew how to take an order; now, that was a useful thing in a pretty lad, and no mistake.” oh nononononononono Kennit stop

Wow Brashen is FULLY convinced that Wintrow is Althea from a distance…… thanks i hate it

Igrot made Paragon stay still so it wouldn’t be known that he had a liveship

"In Chalced a woman enjoyed power only through whatever man she could captivate."

Serilla has green eyes

With Serilla we have the first escalation of the sexual violence. In Ship of Magic we had Althea's story of dubious consent, plus the off-page violence inflicted on Etta, a prostitute. In this book we have a very clearcut case of rape against a “purer” victim, however it's done to and by characters we are not yet familiar with. There is also the illusion of choice here, a window for the reader to say "well she could have avoided X if she had only Y". It's not until Althea and Kennit that we get the clearest case of complete powerlessness, where there are no options for what Althea could have done differently and we know both characters intimately. Will obviously talk more about that when we get there, but it really does seem to be very intentionally building up to this point where there are no excuses left and no looking away.

Ronica is so xenophobic of non Bingtowners lol. Leave Amber alone

“If you mean fuck, say fuck.” Now this is literature, baby!

"I think I've had enough of you for now. Goodbye Malta." an absolute dealing with teenagers mood hahaha. Go off Ronica

It’s just so quintessentially Amber that she thinks to make Ophelia a bracelet out of the wizardwood she had to carve away

Idk why this is such a cute detail to me but Grag’s mother was friends with Ophelia before marrying into the Tenira family :)

Grag’s mother Naria is the baddest bitch okay. She berated a guy on the street for using a slave and then just straight up took the slave girl home?? King shit

Amber: you are radicalised now my sweet child. Naria Tenira: I owe you my life.

“Are you and your friends playing a tea party then?” omg hahaha Brash you could not have insulted Malta more if u tried and I thank you for your service

“But worst of all, I must pretend to want things I don’t really want. Sometimes I almost convince myself I do want them. If I could want them, life would be easier.” Althea stop being relatable right now

“I don’t want all the things a real woman would want.” :(

Amber touches Fitz’s earring when Althea makes her think of him ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *emitting inhuman sounds*

“Perhaps he has needs you can’t fill…” “... it costs loneliness and longing and doubt” aksjdbalgbdshabgjabl LONGING!!!!!!! FOOL!!!

The “needs you can’t fill” bit BRO it just automatically makes me think of when the Fool sent Starling to Fitz at the end of Assassin’s Quest like. just fully sacrificing his own feelings in order to give Fitz what he thinks he needs…. Not to mention the end of Fool’s Fate. Screaming and crying boys, screaming and crying.

““One can love that way,” she conceded regretfully.” REGRETFULLY. Oh man. Oh god. How much do you wanna bet that their reunion with Fitz and the short time they spend together at his cottage is literally just liek... all they want out of life. They don’t want to be so self-sacrificing; they don’t really want to leave Fitz on such a long leash. They want more, but they’re not remotely selfish enough to ask for it. I’ve speculated before that maybe the Fool just views love differently and doesn’t necessarily get jealous of Fitz’s sexual/romantic relationships but there’s a lot here that makes that seem rather unlikely. Which like. Sucks!!

“To pretend that people can come together, love, and then part with no pain or consequences is no more false a role than pretending to be a proper Trader’s daughter.” [...] “To sate your need without love is theft. If you must have that, hire it done. But don’t steal that from Grag under the pretence that it is free.” [...] “We all think about doing that. That doesn’t make it right.” [...] “When you bed someone, there is always a commitment. Sometimes that commitment is only that you will both pretend it doesn’t matter. Sometimes that commitment is made only to yourself. The other party never knows it or agrees to it.”

Okay so I know that was a big excerpt lol BUT I have so many thots and questions? Mainly bc if someone was gonna argue against Ace Fool this would be one of the main points in their favour, because this could certainly be taken as them speaking literally and from experience. And maybe it is! Even if the Fool is ace it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve never had a single sexual experience. Maybe they just wanted to try it, just to see if it could assuage the loneliness. However my big argument against this idea is like, just how private the Fool is in general but especially about their gender and their body. It would be a huge act of trust for them to invite someone into that space, especially if their “plumbing” didn’t match their current gender presentation? Really throws a lot of complications into the mix. And regardless of how you read their sexual orientation, sex certainly never seems to be a priority for them regardless, so would it really be worth the risk? I dunno!!

Another interpretation is just that this is another case of Amber being very observant and perceptive about human behaviour. She certainly never says “I” anything. The closest she gets is “we” which could easily be read as just meaning like, “humans in general.” It’s not unusual for the Fool to spout philosophical wisdom on all sorts of subjects regardless of direct experience.

There is also potential interpretation of this speech as personal experience couched in metaphor. She is not necessarily only talking about sex but about a case in which two people cannot give each other what they want/need. Eg: even if Althea forced herself to marry Grag, she could never actually be the wife he wants/needs, therefore it is unfair of her to take what she wants/needs from him. That will only leave him empty, as she cannot give anything back. So if we look at the core of this conversation as the conflicting needs of people in relationships, of honesty, of fairness and of not taking under false pretences, we can see how Amber could apply this to her relationship with Fitz.

If I had to give my interpretation it would be a mix. So the first bit, where she’s just saying that humans are complicated and it’s dishonest to pretend that we can just have sex without any feelings getting involved, I’d read this as just general wisdom/observation. She responds “We all think about doing that.” when Althea says she wasn’t thinking of [taking what she needs] from Grag. So this part I would read as Amber responding more to the idea of taking what you need from someone regardless of whether you can give them what they need in return. Maybe this is the real reason the Fool didn’t return to Fitz in AQ; because it would feel like theft to try to take what he needed from Fitz (time, love, companionship, sharing a life) while believing that they could not give Fitz what he needed. The end bit I would again categorise as general knowledge, and could even be something they’ve gleaned from Jek’s experience with casual sex.

Did I really need to spend 93 years analysing this to death when it could just as easily be something that Amber simply says without it being intended to provide any insight into her character? Apparently.

Brashen is back to being soft for Althea in record time

I love the moment when he asks Malta about Delo, this reluctant acknowledgement of his Trader ties because he misses his little sister.

Good lord, Malta’s flirting is so uncomfortable. She’s not even remotely subtle about it and doesn’t even have the good sense to be embarrassed. The fucked up thing is that she doesn’t even know what she wants from Brashen in this moment, she is literally just toying with her power to no apparent end; she just wants to see what she CAN do. Brashen being repelled is literally the bare minimum but unfortunately she is extremely lucky that she is with Brashen and not some other guy who wouldn’t hesitate to take her flirting seriously without a second thought for her age.

“She wondered what had brought him back to Bingtown. He would not have come all this way just to tell them Vivacia had been captured.” ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT ALTHEA??

Such a tween mood that Selden’s unself-conscious childishness infuriates Malta so much

Ew Cerwin literally says to Malta “You poor, brave child.” so you agree she’s a child???

“Who goes there?” “Paragon?” “No, I am Paragon.” lolll

“Amber flowed to her feet.” Fool vibesss

When Paragon overhears Brashen telling Amber that the Vivacia was captured by pirates and gets triggered into an episode; ouch my heart is aching.

Amber is trying to make me cryyyyyyy with all her speeches about being brave enough to live

Brashen says “I’ve never wanted to be the hero.” which is SUCH a Fitz thing to say/feel, then a few paragraphs later AMBER GRIPS HIS WRIST!!!!

Okay wait so now people are calling it the Rain WILD River???? I mean I guess that’s kinda realistic like people call the same things by different names in real life but hmmm lol

Reyn acknowledges that Malta’s family aren’t exactly wrong in their opinion of her - he is not under any illusion that she is pure and moral, he simply desires the qualities she does have.

He also acknowledges that she is very young and feels a responsibility to not take advantage. In his words.

“She sounded just like the dragon.” AND THERE IT IS. Maybe my idea that Tintaglia had some role in Reyn’s attraction to Malta isn’t so far fetched?

Etta puts a stop to the men using Ankle (former slave) for sex. Why can’t u girlboss like this for Althea hun !!

I have been wondering how Kennit managed to get Wintrow to agree to let him take his father away etc. but yeah no, he just does his whole trip to Keyhole Island in the dead of night without telling anyone. Checks out lol

Insane to think what an idyllic life Kennit had once.

“Something stirred inside him, but he stifled it before the emotion could make itself known.” Sounds about right

Kennit noting with “distaste” that his mother is dressed like a peasant bro how tf should she be dressed she has to toil alone every day on a deserted island

Poor kennit’s mawm how fucked would it be to only see your son every few years and suddenly he shows up one day with a fucking leg missing

“He told her when she agreed with him, and when a topic was settled.” thats gonna be a yikes from me dawg

The symbolism of the only two people who know Kennit’s true self and past being mutilated to the point of muteness and blindness. Kennit himself will not look at or speak of the things that happened to him, his mother cannot talk to or about him and Paragon cannot see - cannot navigate his way back to Kennit to confront him with his past.

The idea of King Kennit came from his father, telling him he would be King Kennit of Key Island

Kennit wants to refurnish his old house with the literal exact furnishings that Igrot stole. He literally wants to undo the past because he cannot accept it…….. But ends up recreating it instead.

This part about how when he was younger he would whisper his plans for revenge to his mother and she would freak out wanting no part of it… she didn’t ever want this for him. God it’s so fucking sad.

“Now it could serve that purpose again.” about how Igrot used the cellar as a dungeon. Bro. how do u not realise u are becoming him. I mean I know. But still.

“Regardless of what my son has told you, I am not an unreasonable man.” Kyle please. You are literally standing here trying to convince Kennit to ransom you while keeping your ship and your son. And you think ANYONE will go for that??? Never met a more reasonable guy!

Kennit is like 40 at least?? “These humble foods, so delicious to his palate, were like ghosts. They belonged to the world of a very small boy, coddled and indulged and safe beyond all imagining. All that had been betrayed nearly thirty-five years ago.” Great passage btw but yeah, idk how old I thought Kennit was but maybe just a little younger.

Amber’s hatred of Davad is magnificent to behold

No wonder Althea is so shook when she sees Amber and Brashen like first of all how jarring to see the two of them together and second of all why tf where they just lurking outside the Trader’s Hall like a couple of weirdos hahah

Davad doesn’t even know the name of his own stable boy . bruh

Clef’s first line is simply exquisite and his accent is so fucking funny why is he like irish????

Clef has pale eyes and light hair. So not from Buck, I guess.

Amber sitting cross-legged on the floor. Fool vibesss

Amber is so cute with Clef. The way Hobb is using puppyish words to describe Clef plus him being Six Duchies I almost wonder if he reminds her of bb Fitz a bit :’)

Interesting how Kennit’s speech about how he is fighting for good and it’s necessary even if it causes pain bc good does not stand by in the face of evil etc. echoes Amber’s sentiments. But while Amber is genuine, Kennit is warping the ideas to manipulate and fit his means. Doing what all good manipulators do and using the truth but twisting it just enough that it suits them and you can’t quite find a way to argue.

Amber made pipes for Paragon to play. And now I’m thinking of Fitz and his seapipes and I simply have to cry

It’s just so beautiful all the work Amber has already done to restore Paragon, not knowing that she would ever get him seaworthy again, just doing it because it made Paragon feel better, almost like his damages were wounds that she is tending. Ouch my heart

It’s very touching how aware Althea is that they are taking charge of Paragon’s life for him, and how guilty she feels about that. She’s not just worried about his reaction, she’s genuinely sorry for what they have to do and his lack of autonomy.

Omg Paragon and Clef pissing themselves over Paragon making farting noises on his pipes……. I literally have no choice but to cry

Paragon has been beached for thirty years, meaning that if Kennit’s island was raided thirty-five years ago he had to have been Igrot’s prisoner for about five years. And man, that is a long time - a lot of integral developmental years - for a child. :(

Okay bro this whole scene of Paragon devastated that the Ludlucks are giving up on him omg my heart is so sore

Amis Ludluck can suck a dick

Althea describing setting out on the paragon as an “errand for a fool.” ….. A fool’s errand even…..

And then Amber is the next one to speak hehe

Clef trying to comfort Paragon omg they’re so fricking wholesome

The thing is Kennit already uses sex as a tool for power - or at least feeling powerful. He has always dominated Etta sexually because he wanted that feeling of control, putting himself in the position of power that his abuser once had over him. He even chose Etta specifically because she looks “boyish” - and one can assume looks enough like young Kennit that it allows him to play out his trauma on her. So him now “pleasuring” Etta sexually is no different. He wants to make Vivacia jealous and Etta - sex - is merely a means to an end. And it’s so sad and gross because Etta has just been so used and abused that just the fact Kennit keeps her around is enough to inspire total devotion. Anything beyond that blinds her completely.

And to prove this point further, he is not able to enjoy this sort of sex with Etta. He is resentful and sulky about the effort he had to put in to satisfy her. He does not see sex as something two people enjoy together but as something one person takes from another.

I appreciate that there is consistency with Brashen’s addiction. Relapse, withdrawals. She doesn’t just forget it as soon as he’s got something better to do. (Which reminds me of a Reddit post I saw the other day that was like, what was the point of Brashen’s addiction? I was like ummm does addiction have to serve a purpose lol it’s just part of his character?? Not that I actually commented bc Reddit scares me.)

There’s no way Amber’s heart doesn’t skip a beat every time she hears the word “fool.” No way she doesn’t look up half-hoping to see Fitz standing there :’)

Ironic that the thing to pull Malta out of her destructive selfishness is the fear of losing her father, a man who does not remotely deserve such an extreme response.

It’s such a great detail Delo telling Malta that it scared her when Cerwin and her father were fighting because the last time a brother of hers fought with her father he never came back. Just a little further insight into Delo and the Trell family that could have been left out yet adds so much.

I also love what Delo says about how Malta’s family fight and say horrible things but at the end of the day they stick together and no one is ever cast out for good. Cos like. Yeah.

I don’t know if I even remembered Tintaglia fully like haunting Malta, I mainly just remembered Malta freeing her and I guess had been thinking it was something that just kind of happened once she got to the Rain Wilds. My bad dude.

The dragon hierarchy, where the females are “queens” works so well as a contrast to the world of this trilogy that is so heavily entrenched in patriarchy.

Brashen questioning why he is doing all this and answering it with “he had nothing better to do” is just him all over lol. I said in the last book how he doesn’t think he is worthy of anything so does not set goals and just floats along on the breeze of chance. He never has anything better to do because he doesn’t think he deserves anything better to do.

His yearning for Althea do be quite… I am looking

The contrast in how Brashen describes Amber vs how Fitz describes the Fool lol. Brashen’s like ew she’s all harsh lines and angles meanwhile Fitz is like the firelight glinted off the fine lines of his honey gold skin, recalling one to the likeness of a statue carved of the finest mahogany. He was beauty itself. I wanted to kiss him so fucking bad.

Brashen my dude. He’s happy for two seconds that Althea is actually talking to him finally and immediately has to ruin it by bringing up every contentious topic he can possibly think of

Not that most of what he’s saying is even wrong but dude why now. I mean I know it’s cos he’s agitated from withdrawals but still. I honestly just feel kinda bad for him lol he has missed Althea so bad and can’t help but screw himself over at the first opportunity.

Amber trying to hide her smile in her cup when Althea tries to deny the truth of his words lol. Omg i just love her.

Clef is so angry at Brash for calling Paragon junk omg. im luv him

“Not unless you count the men who taught me my trade before I was even a woman.” Okay cool so Etta was also raped as a child thumbs up emoji

I know Kennit’s stated intent in flaunting his sexual relationship with Etta in front of Wintrow is to make Wintrow interested in Etta, but the descriptions of Kennit’s eyes boring into Wintrow while he’s kissing her etc. it also just feels like grooming, like desensitising Wintrow to sex the same way he is desensitising Vivacia to violence.

“In some unnatural way, he felt included in the embrace.” yeah ew

When Althea says about Grag, “did he really think she could not have stopped Brashen if she’d wanted to” it’s kind of setting up this pin to be knocked down, this idea that strong women don’t get raped, that rape is something someone allows to happen to them. Because even just later in this book she manages to overcome an attempted rape, but unfortunately there will in fact come a time where she won’t be able to stop it.

Not strictly relevant yet but hey it’s all spoilers here and I may as well put down what I’m thinking when I’m thinking it so I don’t forget. Basically I’m seeing on reread how Althea’s sexual repression/problems with sex started long before she was raped by Kennit, and it’s really helping to put into perspective why Hobb bookends her story with her sleeping with Brashen. It’s not her like… proving she is over the rape by having sex, or Hobb trying to say that the ability to have sex again is the most important part of healing from a rape. I don’t think it’s supposed to be looked at as solely a response to her rape but as a resolution to her character arc as a whole and the sexual repression that has been such a prominent struggle from the beginning. She was raped at 14, had a few awkward casual encounters, had one sexual encounter she actually enjoyed and spent the next several months beating herself up for enjoying it, then suffered an attempted rape, then finally was raped and gaslit. Her rape by Kennit was the crescendo of the song but it was not the only note. Basically I’m saying that I think whether she had been raped by Kennit or not, this resolution would have been appropriate. I am only just seeing this perspective on it now so I understand why some people find it a bit uncomfy. I never knew quite what to make of it myself. Just something to consider and I’m sure my feelings will continue to evolve once I actually get to that point.

“[Serilla] forced herself to review the events in her mind, but her memories would not stay in proper order. They jumped and jiggled about, the moments of terror and pain leaping up to demand her attention even as she refused to think about them.” Just another example of how spot-on Robin Hobb’s portrayal of trauma is.

“Serilla had wanted to go with dignity, but found she could not.”

Serilla was a virgin. I hate the concept of virginity but there you go.

Serilla’s brain pretty much just breaks during her captivity. She says something about how her present had destroyed all possible futures. It makes sense then that when she does actually escape this situation she completely scrambles for any way to make sure she never ends up in that position again, but does so without really thinking clearly. She literally has zero time to heal before she arrives in Bingtown and has to jump straight into action. She is functioning with her trauma brain only, her only concern finding security. I end up disliking her because she gets put in opposition to the characters I want to succeed, but I still have compassion and understanding for why she does what she does.

The serpents eat the liveship Ringsgold to absorb its memories :| girl...bosses?

Paragon’s excitement as he starts to feel himself being floated is just the cutest (and saddest) thing everrrr

“[Amber] seemed, [Paragon] thought to himself, more contained and isolated than any other human he had ever known.” cool i’m sad

When you realise that Brashen and Althea basically adopted two kids before they were even together lol (Clef and Paragon)

And that Clef n Paragon have such a brotherly dynamic :’)

“By the time I found the boundaries, I had fallen off the edge of the world. I won’t let that happen to Paragon.” aww Brashen. What a good papa.

It’s so cute how all the liveships just love Althea

Some girls wanna be “just one of the boys” meanwhile Althea is “just one of the liveships”

Reyn is very intent on not wanting to manipulate Malta into being with him in any way. He believes that she will be his eventually but only because she really wants him. His desire to forgive their liveship debt and help her any way they can does seem like a genuinely altruistic impulse to both aid her and remove the possibility that she would marry him out of necessity.

Amber says something in a different language?? Is it Buck language??? Or her native language? Much 2 think about!!

“With the money they parcel out to him, he buys what they should have bought for themselves.” Well yes, Comrade Wintrow. They are paying Kennit for an idea: the myth of trickle-down economics and the illusion of his protection.

“If he penned them together long enough, they would breed.” Kennit for the love of god. Gross.

I really don’t have anything unique to say about it, but I can’t not mention the absolute genius of the knife-fighting lessons switcheroo. Perfect build and release of tension. Pure comedy.

“As a youth, I was a bad sailor.” I don’t wanna think about the conditions under which Amber made most of her sea voyages :(

Malta gets pulled under (into the Skill river I guess) by Paragon recognising Tintaglia within her and Amber pulls her back together by touching her Skill fingers to the nape of her neck. (I knew something like this happened but forgot the exact details.)

“The [Vestrit] women are too damn independent for their own good.” Grag you’re on thin ice dude

Also I think you mean too independent for YOUR own good.

Grag and Reyn’s conversation about whether they can break away from Jamaillia not only in the sense of supporting themselves practically but because they have absorbed Jamaillia’s culture and way of life as something to aspire to is very interesting. I was reading Audre Lorde at the same time as this book - literally just read The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House before starting this chapter - and she talks so much about how it’s not enough to aspire to take the role of the master, we have to imagine entirely new ways of existing outside of those prescribed white/eurocentric/patriarchal/colonial ideals.

Omg Grag is so annoying. I get that he’s lovesick and he’s not gonna think super rationally but dude. He’s making so many baseless assumptions. First of all he thinks the Vestrits CHOSE Brashen to captain Paragon when using Paragon was Brashen’s idea in the first place. Second he assumes that Brashen’s only motivation for captaining the ship is to be with Althea which is again wrong. Third he assumes that Althea can’t look out for herself or think for herself and that Brashen will take advantage of her even though she herself TOLD HIM straight up that it wasn’t like that. Grag loves the idea of Althea but he most definitely doesn’t actually love her. He refuses to know her well enough to love her; every time she tells him who she actually is he simply pretends he does not see it. Show my bitch some respect Grag PLEASE

Reyn experiences dragon emotions in his dragon dreams and remarks that the love of a human cannot compare to the devotion of a dragon; since dragon magic and skill magic are connected, is this why skill bonds are so intense? And especially Fitz and the Fool who are directly linked through silver?

Speaking of which, if Amber touched Malta with her Skill fingers, why don’t they share a Skill bond like that? Is it because there wasn’t a pre-existing emotional connection? Is it simply because Malta doesn’t have Skill of her own? I guess for that matter why weren’t Verity and the Fool hardcore bonded too lol? Is it literally just like that with Fitz and the Fool cos they’re soulmates???

Love the detail of Serilla beginning to hoard jewellery after seeing how tenuous her “power” really is. This is what countless generations of women who were not allowed to own property or have a bank account have had to do in order to feel they had anything to fall back on in times of crisis.

God I literally couldn’t relate more to Amber lolll I’m all “I hate yelling and I never yell” but if you wanna see me lose my shit that combination of no personal space + mess is sure to do it lol.

“Althea hung her head over the edge of the bunk and peered down at her curiously.” Why is this such an adorable image omg, i love them

Althea is being so patient and understanding with Amber while she is struggling to get used to ship life and I love it.

Amber mentioning the fact that retreating into somebody else’s space (Brashen’s cabin) doesn’t provide the same relief of your own space with your own things. And I’m thinking about the Fool’s chambers at Buckkeep, and the toy shop in the mountains and even her shop is gone now and omg I’m gonna cry. You can see how important it is to her to have her own space by how thoughtfully she makes a space her own when she has one.

I wonder if part of the reason the Fool is so perceptive about people in general is because they have lived as a man and a woman. They have seen sides to men and women that they only show around others of their gender. Especially when it comes to helping Althea navigate gendered struggles, they know how men talk about women when they’re alone and how they will perceive certain things that Althea would never have considered (because it’s fucking stupid lol).

“You wouldn’t understand. No one can.” Amberrrr :(

Althea and Amber are so friend. Idk why this means so fucking much to me but I just adore them. It’s what they both deserve!!!!!

Makes sense that what makes Wintrow finally align himself with/stand up for Kennit is seeing the stupidity and short-sightedness of a mob. Of course Kennit’s ambitions seem admirable in comparison, and it even serves to qualify the extremity of his means because it shows that no one will simply listen to reason and so he must take wild action to do what’s best for these people in spite of them getting in their own way.

“The connection of king to soothsayer had linked them. It was not, as the charm had accused, some brutish urge to repeat the past.” anjdsgbahbgl I am suffering.

“The boy turned his head to look up at him and the admiration in his eyes near blinded the pirate. For an instant, he truly felt something, a pang of some emotion so sharp he could not tell if it was pain or love. His throat closed.” help help help

“Or worse, it seems that I just want the man because he is who I wish I were.” yes 100% Malta!!

Serilla experiencing panic attacks. God I’m just so sad for her she gets no time at all to even begin to process what happened to her.

I love Keffria’s little prank on Malta asking if she wants Davad to be her first dance. Just a cute lil moment.

Hate that Malta is consumed with thoughts of Kyle as she’s being presented. She deserves so much better.

Why is it lowkey hilarious that Malta never gives so much as a thought to Wintrow lol like girl. That’s ur brother

But at the same time I also noticed that Wintrow hasn’t thought at all about how his family are going to cope with the loss of the liveship or that they would be worried about him and his father. He is only ever caught up in himself or being existential. I guess it just goes to show that he has been so cut off from the family that he really doesn’t think of them as such. Keffria is probably the only one who really gives Wintrow that much thought, but he doesn’t think of her because he had to do without her so young and had to sever that connection to be able to function.

The Satrap is pale/white.

“If you believe I am such a child, where are your ethics in courting me?” BRUH. will Robin ever let me decide where I stand on Malta and Reyn!!

Like, there are plenty of characters in this whose ages are never stated explicitly, yet Reyn and Malta’s are. She could have left Reyn’s age ambiguous. She could have aged him down. But she chose to make him 20 and to be explicit about it. And she does point out the power imbalance and all that so it’s not like she did it just cos she thinks it’s normal? There was obviously a reason behind it, but what? After MUCH deliberation - and this is subject to change - I think it really comes down to the fact that in the kinds of societies Robin Hobb is reflecting in this trilogy, it is/was exceedingly common for a young girl to be betrothed or married to an older man, whether comparatively older but still young like Reyn, or significantly older. It also was not uncommon for couples like these to grow to love each other in some way, and we do see that although Reyn is wildly in love with Malta immediately (something that could be but doesn’t necessarily have to be influenced by Tintaglia), Malta takes a long time to decide how she feels about him, and they both kind of stumble through their courtship unsure of what a real relationship between them would look like. It kind of hearkens back to when I compared this trilogy with The Handmaid’s Tale as it reminds me of Margaret Atwood’s rule about only putting in elements that have real-life precedents; Reyn and Malta exist as they are in Liveship because Hobb wanted to explore the real-life dynamic that they represent, just as all the uncomfortable elements of these books have some sort of real-life equivalent. Is the ultimate romanticisation of a relationship with this sort of age gap kind of uncomfortable? Yeah, dude. As someone with personal experience with being in a minor/adult relationship that scarred me for life I am not the type to go easy on such portrayals, but this is not a children’s or YA book. It’s not interested in presenting simple concepts with simple judgements and easy solutions. This is a trilogy that is so concerned with issues of patriarchy and female sexuality, which openly acknowledges how little Malta understands her emerging sexuality and apparent power over men, which explicitly calls out the fact that her suitors simultaneously sexualise and infantilise her etc. etc. etc. I just don’t think the same trilogy which illuminates all those issues is also going to be interested in uncritically pushing the idea that a romantic relationship between a twenty-year-old and thirteen-year-old is an unquestioned good, actually. And I mean, it’s simply not uncritical: it is critical. The criticism is right there in the text. The author is interrogating the morality of this relationship. How I feel about them ultimately ending up together is a conversation for later books, I think.

It’s incredibly important how just this “small” incident of the Satrap pulling Malta a little too close and insinuating that she would have to offer herself up to him if she wanted him to help her father, sends Malta absolutely spiralling. I remember this feeling from when I was a girl, these incidents so seemingly minor and commonplace that leave you with no physical harm still shaking you so deeply and sticking with you. It’s just a sickly unsafe feeling.

Kennit says Wintrow is closer to Etta’s age than he is. How old is she??? I’ve been keeping an eye out but there’s no explicit mention so far. I guess if Wintrow is 14 and Kennit is like 40 then she has to be under 27 to be closer to Wintrow’s age. Or I could be completely wrong I’m not a math gay

Kennit describing Wintrow’s body as “sweet and young” hmm I could do without that thanks!

Reyn asking Keffria, “Would you see your little son with a slave tattoo on his face?” little do they knowwwwwwwwwww

I know these are extreme circumstances but there’s something so funny about Reyn just straight up trying to kidnap Malta, cackling into the night like an actual insane person. So many dramatic bitches in these books.

I know Ronica claims burying Davad and loyalty to Bingtown as her reason for staying but honestly I think she’s just…. Old n tired, ya know? Like she feels it makes more sense for her to stay and see things out than to go and start a new life

Rache and Ronica holding hands…. Friend :)

Do I ship Rache and Ronica? That’s a secret I’ll never tell

This moment in Brashen’s cabin… Robin Hobb said this is for the hoes who love hands…

So frustrating that even now Althea can’t let herself say how she feels. She can only indulge in the kiss for a moment, then move along. It’s probably for the best but I reserve the right to call her a repressed beech.

“Sometimes Wintrow felt the man was grooming him for something, but he was not sure what.” I’m gonna fucking kill myself over this word choice stopppp

Etta finding a tiny baby with a serpentine tail in her shoe… we’ve all been there hun

Bro Malta being shocked to her core just because Reyn apologised and she literally…. Didn’t know men were capable of apology???? That’s so fucked up and sad. And at least as sad for Keffria as it is for Malta :(

Thank GOD Kyle disappeared before he could get to Selden. Look how badly he infected his daughter, imagine the monster his son could have turned out to be if he had his way.

Keffria has finally decided to live up to the Vestrit name and be a bad bitch

The sibling vibes between Malta and Selden are immaculate and Selden is super cute.

The room which holds Tintaglia’s cocoon is where the elderlings used to carve their stone dragons.

“It’s not the first time I’ve been called a fool, and likely not the last.” there it is babyyyyyyyy why am I literally smiling :’)

Althea feeling so proud of Brashen bc she can see that he has that mysterious Captain quality and her father was right to believe in him is so cute like he would die if he knew she was thinking that!!

“A friend I had. We used to talk a lot. Sometimes I hear myself still talking to him, and I know how he would answer.” Sa save me

Also knowing from Tawny Man that the Fool actually could still feel the Skill link like………… he literally is talking to Fitz still…… bro…. The yearning…..

And on that note, we’re done boys!

[wisteria-lodge]

snake primary + snake secondary (bird model)

Hello! I recently discovered your blog and really love the thought you’ve put into the nuances of the SHC system. I’m super into these kinds of personality analysis systems (I’ve probably been through them all at this point) because I think it’s interesting to know how people tick - I also think self-awareness is important so that you know why you do what you do, essentially. I took the SHC quiz and it told me I was a Snake Primary with a Bird Model, and a Bird Secondary with a Snake Model. I agree that I’m probably a (somewhat petrified) Snake Primary with a strong Bird Model, but I’m not sure which is my true secondary and which is the model. Maybe you can help?

I can sure try :)

Some things about me: I’m an oldest daughter, and I’m almost 100% sure my dad is a Bird Snake and I *idolized* him as a child - I thought he had it all figured out. He was the Zeus to my Athena in my child’s eyes, and I think I got my Bird primary model very early from copying him.

I mean, I know what you mean in a “sole creator” sense, but there is no *way* Athena thought Zeus had it all figured out.

My two younger brothers are a Lion Snake and a Lion Badger, and my mother is possibly a Double Badger, though I’m not as sure about her - maybe she just thinks that she *should* be a Double Badger. I think all that is important to help illustrate that I didn’t really feel *at home* when I was with my family, though I loved them, since I was the only Snake. My parents also had a terrible relationship and are now divorced, so there’s that as well. I think the only time I have ever been truly morally outraged was the revelation that my dad had engaged in infidelity against my mom, and then again when he started dragging his feet over a promise the he had made my youngest brother. We didn’t speak for a long time after that incident, but I was really cut up over dropping him.

Oh yeah. That’s very Snake primary. Morally outraged because your People are getting hurt.

We eventually started to reconcile, and the only reason we did was because he called and said he was driving through my city one day, and even after all of that, I said yes to meeting up because I felt sad that I had dropped him. I think this family dynamic, plus some other childhood stuff, led to me sort of “checking out” and petrifying pretty early.

Just a theory - I think it’s possible that this hit your secondary more than it hit your primary. You seem pretty strong and confident in your Snake primary so far. Even the fact that you can identify it coming from such a non-Snake environment, and don’t feel guilty about it, is big.

I had a lot of trouble making friends in school.

I’m thinking this might be more of a secondary thing.

and generally ended up with like one friend who was the other weird girl, and who I always sort of kept at arm’s length emotionally. I moved schools several times as a kid and after the first best friend (who was the daughter of my mom’s best friend and was like a sister to me until she moved away), I really didn’t try too hard to make new “best” friends.

Hmm. See, this reads like a *default* friend to me, not a friend of choice. The other weird girl. The daughter of your mom’s friend. That’s an easy friend to have… and not one that you necessarily sought out. I’m not surprised that your primary didn’t latch onto her with that Snake intensity.

Even now, though I definitely have concentric circles of loyalty and a significant other who is my “top person”, I’m not sure I have that blind Snake I-would-literally-die-for-you loyalty toward anyone - I’d kill or hide a body for my top circles

That *is* Snake loyalty. Snakes aren’t going to die for someone else, are you kidding? That’s a sucker’s game. They value themselves too much.

I would give up a lot of my own comfort for my significant other. Maybe I’m just afraid to let myself feel that unquestioning loyalty, though I want to feel it, or maybe I’m really a Bird and just want to be a Snake because that would mean I could be un-broken eventually.

Let’s talk about your secondary, I want to hear about how you think you’re broken, because so far you seem fine. Congrats on the SO!

I don’t think I’m an Idealist though - I’m surrounded by them and I know I don’t care about “principles” the way they do. Then again, maybe I’m a Bird whose truth is that moral relativism is the truth lol. Anyway, I think for my primary, I’m probably a petrified Snake with a Bird model unless I’m totally wrong about myself.

I think you’re just a Snake who… is a Snake.

(you’ve got that Birdy influence though, from your dad, and they do like to complicate things.)

As for my secondary, I loved to read (everything - all kinds of fiction, especially sci-fi/fantasy/mystery and, like, Victorian sci-fi/horror adventures, nature books, medical texts, etc. Wikipedia was a revelation when it came out), and I was smart and good at taking tests and knowing the answers in school, so at a certain point I think I just defaulted to being “the smart one” and used that as armor to help keep people from getting too close.

yep yep yep, welcome to the ‘fun Bird model’ club, we have snacks

I do genuinely love to learn, and I’ve always been known among friends and family as the one who either knows the answer or will look it up. I love pop culture trivia and nature facts. I also love and am good at debate, but not really when real feelings are involved - I more love the “battle of wits” aspect, where I can match up against a person to see if my knowledge and ability to adapt my argument on the fly can stump them. 

I also would argue the unpopular point, or the point I didn’t agree with, just for sport. Fun Bird secondary model.

I developed terrible anxiety and probably some depression as well in high school.

Okay, now I’m seeing the problem.

and now that I’m older, I suspect that I may have ADHD, though I haven’t been officially assessed. I didn’t discover my executive function issues really until college, when suddenly being smart and being able to figure out the test answers through context clues and what I remembered from lectures and readings + whatever trivia I had gathered about the topic wasn’t enough anymore.

I suspect you’re right about being ADHD. Or at least being neruodivergent.

I am horrible at studying! I would plan out my study sessions and make these nice little cheat sheets (these were allowed on exams) and they didn’t work at all! I did very well in my literature minor though, because all the graded assignments were papers rather than open-answer tests, and I could get my thoughts out better and with more resources at my disposal if I forgot something and needed to go back to the book to check.

Oh ouch. Yeah, I’m not even relating this back to a secondary, because I’m reading this as a working memory thing? Like ugh tests are such a terrible way access knowledge. What is even the *point* of memorization anymore? You should have been able to have a college career that was completely writing papers, like I did.

I was at one point very jealous of my Lion Snake brother, who I felt could do “whatever he wanted” with minimal consequences, while I always felt constrained by being “good” and not rocking the boat too much with my family.

Yep. That’s being an oldest daughter.

I couldn’t understand why he didn’t seem to care about being considerate to everyone else in the household (especially my chronically overworked, can’t-say-no Badger mom lol).

It’s because he’s the youngest. Mine’s the same.

This attitude was definitely influenced by my anxiety issues at that time, since I had (and still have) a lot of trouble asking for anything - help, permission, whatever. I’d rather do things and explore on my own, without anyone watching, so I don’t have to ask and don’t have to explain.

Did you low-key raise your younger siblings? Because it sounds like you raised your siblings.

I feel better with a little bit of distance, and definitely wear masks in most situations. I’d say my masks are half conscious and half reactive - I do have some idea of how I’d like to be perceived, but it’s only kind of systematic.

That makes me think Snake or Badger secondary.

I have a few “characters” that I use as touchpoints when I’m going into a new situation, but once I’m there I mostly just act nice and funny and see what happens.

So far I’m going with Badger secondary (be nice and and assume it’ll be fine is very badger) with a fun Bird secondary model, that you can do an Actor Bird thing with. Although liking to “just see what happens” is pretty snake.

The characters are really just costumes I use to give off a certain first impression, although I do really like the costumes and find them fun. I love clothes, makeup, and perfume too, because I enjoy the idea of making multidimensional costumes for different settings. I actually enjoy the mask a lot of the time - I have tattoos that are purposefully in places that I can cover easily, because I enjoy the idea that there’s something under the professional mask that people only know about if I show them. I’m a bit socially awkward I think (I repeat myself and talk a lot), but most people tend to either like me or tolerate me, and I don’t get into a lot of interpersonal conflicts. 

Hm. Either Courtier Badger or Snake secondary, fun Bird secondary model. However. Especially after talking about your Actor Bird in such fun, positive, happy language… I am going to call you out for “socially awkward” and “people tolerate me.” Which tells me you don’t have as much faith in your social skill set, and it’s *maybe* a little burnt.

(Also, not to get too armchair psychologist tell-me-about-your-mother, but if your mom has a  “chronically overworked, can’t-say-no” Badger secondary… that’s going to affect how you see Badger secondaries.)

Right now I work in a very Badger/Bird workplace, and it’s really a terrible fit, even though I can squeak by enough to fool my superiors into thinking I’m doing a good job. 

oh we’ve got some imposter syndrome, that can also be a burnt secondary thing.

It’s all long-term planning and daily maintenance tasks, and I really don’t like it. I change most of my plans partway through, but I’m not sure if it’s because I’m really an improvisational secondary at heart, or if I’m truly a Bird that’s just bad at planning for all of the variables.

I’m going to say you’re not a Bird. Making cheat-sheets (which is a very Bird secondary strategy) also did not work, and you feel confined by, not comforted by plans. You’re not a Lion, you enjoy keeping your true self to yourself too much. You could be either a Badger or Snake. And if you really hate daily maintenance tasks… that could be coming from a few places, but it makes me lean Snake. 

I love being in situations where I can iterate on a plan, or make a new plan on the fly. I love escape rooms and am pretty good at them; I still get stumped and need hints sometimes, but when I *get* a puzzle, it sort of just clicks for me? I don’t think in a very linear way and am not a good chess player, but I also have never studied chess so perhaps I just am at a knowledge disadvantage in that game. 

This is also you using Bird to have fun, and we know you *love* using Bird to have fun.

One of my proudest moments

okay this is definitely going to be helpful

was when I was on a day trip with my significant other, and we needed to find a place to buy food quickly so we wouldn’t miss a specific ferry and then a specific bus - we were on an island, and near the ferry station the restaurants were all too expensive and we were worried they would take too long anyway. He was starting to get frazzled, but I was able to think on my feet, and we just grabbed a calming beer (lol) at a creepy neighborhood bar, then got on the ferry and bought microwave meals at a 7-Eleven by the bus station. It was awesome and I was very proud of myself for staying calm and looking around myself for options.

Well that is VERY Snake secondary.

I generally take a long time making decisions when it’s not a crisis situation, because I have to *weigh all the options*, but I often end up in analysis paralysis. Crunch time is where I really shine as a decision-maker.

Snake again. From what I’m seeing, your Bird is a fantastic toy, but actually kind of makes you miserable when you have to depend on it for the important stuff. (studying, your job, making important decisions)

All of this long post is to say, I’m not sure whether my Bird secondary is a fun model that got repurposed into an executive dysfunction compensation tool and anxiety/depression soother to supplement my Snake secondary

I think you hit the nail straight on the head right there. 

 or if Bird is my true secondary and Snake is a model that I learned from my dad and brother + characters I admire in media 

oh your favorite characters are Snake secondaries are they? That’s a big tell.

and that I use when I fail to plan adequately given my executive dysfunction. 

Executive dysfunction is a whole thing, but you don’t have to “”plan adequately”” for everything.

I find both fun and both useful, but I’m not sure which is innate and which is the model! 

My money is on snake secondary, Bird secondary model. 

[knuffled]

Just Practice - Chapter 14

here’s the latest chapter! hope you all enjoy it! if you could leave a comment, it would mean the world to me! not that many people commented last chapter sadly. 

ao3 link for people on mobile

Out of all of Annabeth’s friends, Piper undoubtedly had the largest house. It was a beautiful three story house with a modern minimalist aesthetic, but it somehow also managed to retain a homely atmosphere. As an aspiring architect, Annabeth thought that it was a feast for the eyes, but Piper had never liked it, mainly because her father was hardly ever home. That was ideal for someone like Annabeth, but Piper was a huge extrovert so she found it unbearable having such a huge house to herself. Piper did her best to circumvent that by having friends over whenever possible, a role that usually fell on Jason’s shoulders, but Annabeth had dropped by after school instead to work on a partner project that they had been assigned for their history class.

Piper greeted her at the front door, practically half-asleep. She was wearing pajamas that had smiling cartoon cupcakes printed on them, her choppy hair was thoroughly disheveled, and her eyes were dazed and unfocused. Annabeth was particularly amused by the impression left on her face from sleeping with her cheek pressed against the seams of two sofa cushions.

“You look positively glamorous, darling.”

Piper half-heartedly rolled her eyes and led her to the living room. “Shut up, I was doing hot girl shit.”

“I didn’t know napping qualified as ‘hot girl shit’,” Annabeth said, making air quotes.

“There’s a reason they call it beauty sleep, babe,” Piper said.

They stopped at the living room, and the sight there only made Annabeth’s smirk widen. It was a complete mess, strewn about with empty bags of cheetos, bottles of kombucha, and half-empty oreo trays. Annabeth crossed her arms over her chest and gave Piper a significant look, wondering what sort of excuse she would come up with, but Piper just flipped her off and dove belly first onto the sofa.

“Before you ask, I was too busy to clean,” Piper said, voice muffled by a sofa cushion.

“Busy doing hot girl shit?” Annabeth prompted innocently.

Piper turned her head to glower at her. “You’re such a bitch sometimes.”

Annabeth bit back a smile and lifted a half-empty bottle of kombucha from the coffee table. She gave it a ginger sniff and gagged at the fermented smell.

“I don’t know how you can drink this stuff.”

“It’s good for your digestive system,” Piper said, sighing.

“I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think it’ll be enough to offset the fact that your diet consists solely of flaming hot cheetos and oreos.”

“I’m seriously like ten seconds away from kicking you out of my house,” Piper warned.

Annabeth laughed and said, “Alright, alright, I assume that means you’re ready to start working on the project then?”

Piper groaned into the sofa and forced herself to sit upright. “You’re an absolute menace.”

Annabeth rummaged through her backpack for her laptop and the project rubric instead of looking at her. “I love you, too.”

Piper sighed melodramatically and cleared the coffee table of its aforementioned debris so that they had a place to work. They spent nearly two hours researching content for their project, and Annabeth was happy with the amount of work they were able to get done. For all their bickering, she and Piper had always made an excellent team, and this project was no exception. That being said, by the end of the two hour mark, Piper was beginning to burn on fumes.

“God, why on fucking earth did I ever think taking AP Euro my senior year was a good idea,” Piper groaned, burying her face in her hands. “Spring break can’t come soon enough.”

“It’s still over a month away,” Annabeth laughed. “We could take a break if you’d like.”

Piper looked up at her abruptly with wide eyes. “Who are you and what have you done with Annabeth?”

Annabeth rolled her eyes and said, “We got a lot of work done, so it’s fine if we chill a bit.”

Piper pressed a kiss to Annabeth’s cheek before she could react and beamed at her. “Want something to eat? I’m getting hungry.”

Annabeth scowled and rubbed her cheek. “Uh, do you still have Oreos?”

“Of course, I do,” Piper grinned. “I’m not a heathen.”

“Milk?”

Piper pretended to wipe a tear from her eye. “Oh, Annabeth, I am so proud of you.”

“Oh my god, shut up,” Annabeth laughed, shoving her.

Piper danced to the kitchen and came back a short while later with a fresh box of oreos and two glasses of milk. Annabeth’s step-mother was a health nut, so they never had junk food at home. She also had to adhere to a strict-ish diet because she was an athlete, so this was the first time in literal years that Annabeth had had the chance to eat an oreo.

“These are a lot better than I remember,” Annabeth said.

“You’re goddamn right. Oreos are gods gift to humanity,” Piper said.

Annabeth smiled. “Now, I wouldn’t go that far.”

“So ungrateful,” Piper sniffed. “You can get sent to hell for that sort of thing you know?”

“For not being obsessed with oreos?” Annabeth laughed.

“For having bad taste,” Piper said, giving her a significant look.

“Guilty as charged,” Annabeth sighed. “I mean, I’m friends with you after all.”

Piper groaned and shoved her. “Bitch.”

“You started it,” Annabeth laughed. “I was just enjoying my oreos in peace.”

“I have been nothing but a gracious host, and yet you come into my house and insult me and my all time favorite snack for good measure,” Piper said, shaking her head. “This is why whites don’t deserve rights.”

Annabeth raised her glass of milk. “I’ll drink to that.”

“Sometimes, I honestly wonder how Percy puts up with you.”

“Easy, he’s a lot nicer than you, so I don’t feel the need to sass him,” Annabeth said, shrugging.

“Sounds fake, but okay.”

“You’re just in denial,” Annabeth teased.

Piper rolled her eyes and said, “How is he doing by the way? I haven’t talked to him lately, but I know State is around the corner.”

“He’s doing okay, I think,” Annabeth said. “I haven’t really asked him about it.”

“No Valentine’s Day plans, I’m assuming?” Piper asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Nah, I don’t want to break his concentration,” Annabeth said, shaking her head. “How about you and Jason? Got a hot date lined up or something?”

“We were just thinking of getting dinner some place nice,” Piper said, shrugging.

“So that means Taco Bell is a no, then?” Annabeth asked, grinning.

“Very funny,” Piper said, narrowing her eyes. “I think we’re going to some Japanese place downtown or something.”

“Hmm, sushi sounds nice.”

Piper shook her head and said, “It’s honestly impressive how you somehow always forget that I’m vegetarian, even after all these years.”

Annabeth’s face turned pink. “Oh, right, sorry.”

Piper knocked elbows with her instead of saying anything and reached for another cookie. Annabeth watched her dunk the cookie in her glass of milk a little too vigorously, causing some of it to spill onto her pajama bottoms, and couldn’t help imagining how Jason would have chided her for it if he had been here. It was still endlessly bemusing to her how two people so diametrically unlike one another had so much romantic chemistry together.

“You ever think about how wild it is that you and Jason have been together for four years now?” Annabeth asked.

Piper laughed and said, “Definitely have a lot more since graduation is coming up soon. It’s pretty insane to me too.”

“What’s your secret, oh wise one,” Annabeth asked teasingly.

Piper rolled her eyes and said, “We just communicate really well, ever since day one. Neither of us hide anything from each other. If we are bothered by something, we talk about it. Sometimes that means we get into fights, but it’s still better than bottling everything up.”

Annabeth’s heart squeezed a little in her chest. In contrast, she and Percy hardly ever spoke openly anymore. The weight of all the things they had both left unsaid had snowballed and taken on a line of its own. She didn’t think it had brewed into bitterness, but it felt like ice on the surface of a pond. Shallow and liable to break at any moment.

“We also just genuinely like each other too,” Piper said. “There’s no way we would have lasted if we hated each other’s guts or got bored of each other. Kind of the opposite honestly. The more I got to know him, the harder I fell for him.”

“How could you tell?” Annabeth asked. “Was there a specific moment you realized or something?”

Piper hummed under her breath and stared up at the ceiling. “Hard to say. It wasn’t anything big or dramatic, just little things piling on top of each other, until one day, I just knew. Kind of like getting taller or falling asleep. You don’t notice it when it happens only when you look back.”

When Annabeth was silent, Piper continued and said, “I will say that the first time I can remember consciously thinking it was after a meet sophomore year. Don’t remember how it went, but I can still picture how he looked after the race. He was all gross and sweaty and caked with mud, but his cheeks were pink from all the running and it just made him glow. And at that moment, I just remember thinking ‘Wow, I’m actually in love with this guy.’”

There was something about the way Piper spoke that even Annabeth could hear how much she loved him just by her tone, that it made a lump form in Annabeth’s throat.

“I’m so happy for you two,” Annabeth said softly. “You are both two of the most amazing people I have ever met, so I’m glad you are together.”

Piper laughed and said, “It’s weird to hear you pay me a compliment, but thanks.”

“After that shameless display of ungratefulness, I would suggest you don’t get used to it,” Annabeth said, crossing her arms over her chest.

Piper rolled her eyes and sank back into the sofa. “Is there something going on with you?”

Annabeth furrowed her brow. “What do you mean?”

“You tend to ask lots of questions when you’re upset about something,” Piper said, shrugging.

Annabeth blinked. She had no idea that she did that.

“Nothing in particular,” Annabeth said carefully. “Just wanted to hear from someone that’s been in a relationship for four years. I’m still new to it, and I don’t want to fuck everything up.”

“Learn anything useful then?” Piper asked, raising an eyebrow.

Annabeth was quiet for a while and tried to choose her words carefully. “The part about communicating was helpful.”

Piper gave her a knowing smile. “Really? Well, I’m glad to hear that.”

“I feel like it was easier when we were only friends,” Annabeth said.

“Hmm, Percy was just doing a lot of work behind the scenes for you to make you feel that way. Now that you’re in a relationship, it’s harder for him to do that, so it’s only exposing issues that were already there,” Piper said.

Annabeth frowned. “What do you mean?”

Piper shrugged and said, “Well, part of it is that Percy is stupidly empathetic, so he would anticipate your emotional needs and provide for them with you having to do much. The bigger problem is that you don’t really understand the way he thinks, so you are incapable of doing the same for him.”

A spark of anger lit in Annabeth’s chest. “Well, why don’t you spell it out for me since I’m apparently so ignorant?”

“Annabeth, chill. I’m not saying you’re a bad friend or that I know more about him than you do,” Piper said, holding her hands up in surrender.

“Then what are you saying?” Annabeth hissed.

Piper sighed again and said, “Look, I love you and everything, but you don’t fully understand that other people don’t think or see the world in the same way you do. I’ll give you an example. What do you usually do when you’re really upset about something?”

After a moment, Annabeth said, “I give myself some space until I am ready to talk about it.”

“Exactly,” Piper said, nodding. “Percy is not like that. When he’s upset, he wants someone to press him about it, like really press him. There are a lot of reasons for it, but one huge reason is that he doesn’t feel like his problems are worth anyone else’s attention, so you have to convince him otherwise.”

Annabeth was stunned. That had legitimately never occurred to her. She had always assumed that Percy would come to her if he needed to because that’s what she did whenever she was upset. She whenever she had given him space in the past, thinking it would help, it had looked like callous silence to him instead, a sign that she didn’t care enough to hear what was going on.

Her mind raced. How many times in the past had she fucked up monumentally because this had never occurred to her?

“Do you get what I mean now?” Piper prompted.

Annabeth nodded slowly and said, “I- I had no idea. I just sort of assumed he was like me.”

“That’s a perfectly normal thing to do,” Piper said. “Like I said earlier, I’m not telling you this because I think you’re a shitty human being or whatever. I’m telling you because the way that you and Percy communicate has some really deep, fundamental issues, and that it has been that way for years now.”

“Then why didn’t you say anything sooner?” Annabeth asked, trying not to let anger creep in her voice. “I could have done so much more to avoid hurting him.”

“Because you wouldn’t have listened to me,” Piper said, crossing her arms over her chest. “Your relationship with Percy is something sacred to you. You take pride in being close to him and knowing him really well. If I had said something contrary to that, you would have gone ballistic. You getting mad earlier was more than enough proof of that. I can only tell you now because you’re finally starting to notice issues for yourself.”

Annabeth grit her teeth and stared down at her lap. Piper was right. She was right, but it was so crippling to hear that Annabeth had been such a god-awful friend. Annabeth did take great pride in how well she thought she knew Percy, but ever since they had started fake-dating, she had started realizing she had deluded herself the entire time. It was incredibly jarring for her to realize that her vision of him compared to reality was so off, especially when she prided herself in the keenness of her judgment and intellect.

Piper squeezed her shoulder and said, “Look, I know this must have been a lot for you to hear, but you’re not alone. Almost everyone has trouble seeing people distinctly, as they are. People like Percy who do it naturally are the rare ones.”

“Then what should I do?” Annabeth asked tersely. “I feel so stuck.”

“Don’t assume so much. If you’re upset, tell him. If you want him to open up, ask him to. The only way to know what’s on his mind is to ask him. You don’t have to try so hard to read his mind for him,” Piper explained.

Annabeth nodded curtly and said, “I’m just so mad at myself.”

“I get it, but it’s not all on you. Percy also shoulders some responsibility, but it’s hard to blame him. Lord knows how much he has done for us,” Piper mused. “Besides, he has his own issues that he needs to deal with.”

“I-I’ll do what I can,” Annabeth said.

“If it’s you, I think you can do it,” Piper said, smiling softly.

As nice as it was to hear that, Annabeth had no self-confidence in her ability to be a good friend, not anymore. Still, Piper was right. Percy had done so much for her. If this could help him somehow, then she was determined to do her best.

After a few more minutes of silence, Piper said, “We should probably get back to the project.”

Annabeth smiled despite herself and feigned wiping a tear from her eye. “I never thought I’d live to hear the day you’d say that.”

:::

In keeping with tradition, Annabeth still somehow managed to find a way to be late to the State Swimming Championship. It was held at a neighboring high school not far from Westwood, but she had stayed up all night the day before painting a sign for Percy, which led to her sleeping through her alarm. She had brushed her teeth and taken as quick a shower as she possibly could before dashing out of her house, sign tucked beneath her arm.

By the time she made it inside, the first heat was already over. Annabeth scanned the bleachers and found all her friends sitting next to Sally. She took the steps three at a time and took a moment to catch her breath before she took a seat between Sally and Piper.

“Where’s Estelle?” Annabeth asked.

“Paul took her to go back some snacks at the concession stand. How have you been, dear?” Sally asked.

“I’m good. School is getting busy, but I’m getting by,” Annabeth said. “How’s Percy doing?”

“He seemed ready. Cautious, but focused,” Sally said.

“That’s good to hear,” Annabeth said.

Estelle and Paul returned with bags of snacks for everyone. They passed them around to all of Percy’s friends and squeezed past to sit next to Sally. Estelle was thrilled to see Annabeth and threw her arms around her neck.

“Annabeth!” Estelle squealed.

Annabeth laughed and hugged her back. “How have you been, Stella?”

“Good! I just lost a tooth last night. See?” Estelle said, giving Annabeth a toothy smile.

“Wow, did you get a visit from the tooth fairy?” Annabeth asked.

Estelle nodded vigorously. “I got five whole dollars!”

“What are you going to spend it on?”

“She used her money to buy snacks for everyone,” Paul interjected.

“Daddy!” Estelle huffed.

Paul held his palms up in surrender. “Oh, sorry, she told me not to tell anyone about that.”

“Thanks, Stella!” Annabeth said, smiling. “She’s a good kid.”

“She is,” Paul said proudly. “It’s the Jackson genes, I’m telling you.”

“Oh, hush,” Sally said, though she looked pleased anyways.

Paul grinned at her and turned to Annabeth. “It’s been a while since we have had time to catch up, Annabeth. I heard you got into Berkeley! That’s amazing!”

“Yeah, thank you,” Annabeth said, hiding a smile.

“It’s a wonderful school. I’m sure you’ll love it,” Paul said.

Annabeth was about to thank him, but they were interrupted by an announcement that the next heat was to begin for men’s free style. The State tournament was different compared to other tournaments held during the regular season. There would be a preliminary round of ten heats of six swimmers each, and then the top six swimmers would be selected based off their times to participate in a final round. The winner of the final would win the entire competition. It was therefore possible to have the best time in the prelims and still lose if someone placed higher than you in the last round. Annabeth had never been a fan of the way the tournament was run, but there was nothing anyone could do about it.

Percy was going to be in the penultimate heat, so there was still time before he participated. In fact, he wasn’t even out of the locker room yet. Annabeth knew that he was staying inside to maintain his focus until the start of his heat. She recognized one of his teammates that was in the next heat, so she paid attention to him even though it was hard to feel interested.

After the heat began, Annabeth was once again reminded of how much fiercer the competition was at State compared to the other meets. Percy hadn’t competed against many of the swimmers here because they lived on the other side of the state. It might have been a function of the fact that it was her first time seeing some of them, but the competition looked stronger this year than it had in previous ones. They were so skilled that Annabeth wasn’t sure Percy was a shoe-in for first like she had initially thought.

There was one swimmer in particular from the sixth heat, Castellan, that was particularly scary. The effortless, graceful way he swam reminded her a lot of Percy’s form, and he managed to win his heat by a wide margin. She had never seen him before in any of the other meets or from previous years either. He must have moved to the State sometime this season. Nevertheless, it sowed a seed of worry in her mind that continued to take deeper root even after his heat ended.

Eventually, Percy finally made his way out when his heat was announced. Annabeth was relieved to see the familiar cold intensity on his face that she was accustomed to. After the last meet, she had been afraid that his focus would still be shaky when State finally rolled around, but instead Percy looked more focussed now than she had ever seen him before. Everything about him gave off the impression that he was going to win.

When his heat finally began, Percy dove into the water clinically and quickly pulled ahead of the competition. Annabeth and the rest of their friends cheered loudly for him as he touched off the other side of the pool, almost a full body’s length ahead of the person in second. The rest of the race only solidified Percy’s lead as he pulled further and further ahead.

Once he touched the opposite wall, Percy burst out of the water and took a moment to catch his breath, but then he looked over to the opposite end of the pool and pressed his lips in a thin line. Annabeth was confused at first because his time was fantastic, and he had done so well in his heat, but then she realized his time had been slower than that swimmer from the sixth heat. Although it wasn’t an indication of how the finals would go, it was still damaging to realize that someone had done better than you in the prelims.

Annabeth worried her lip and turned to Piper when she felt her hand on her shoulder. “Why does he look so annoyed?” Piper whispered.

“That guy from the sixth heat, Castellan, had a better time than he did,” Annabeth muttered.

Piper blinked and looked back down at Percy. “Wait, really?”

Annabeth nodded. “Yeah. It’s not the end of the world or anything, but it’s gonna pile some extra pressure onto his shoulders.”

“He’ll be fine,” Jason ventured, from beside Piper. “If he keeps his cool, he can put up a good fight. Besides, I don’t think their times were off by a lot.”

“True,” Annabeth agreed. “It would have been a lot worse if it was a blowout.”

“There’s a break before the finals start right?” Hazel asked, speaking across from Jason.

Piper looked at the meet schedule and nodded. “Yeah, there’s a half hour to give the competitors from the later heats time to rest before the finals.”

“Should we go see him or something?” Hazel asked.

Jason shook his head and said, “No, there’s a chance that we just make him lose focus. Besides, there nothing we can really say to help him.”

“Well, that fucking sucks,” Rachel huffed.

Hazel nudged Rachel with her elbow and whispered, “Don’t swear! Estelle is here.”

Rachel winced and said to Sally, “Sorry, Mrs. Jackson.”

Sally gave her a mischievous smile and said, “You should be, dear.”

That got a laugh out of all of them, much to Estelle’s confusion. They talked amongst themselves during the break before Annabeth realized she needed to run to the bathroom. Annabeth wasn’t gone long, but on her way back, she ran into someone walking the other way.

“Ouch.”

Annabeth stumbled back and rubbed her shoulder. “Sorry, are you okay?”

“Oh, hey, look who it is,” Percy said, smiling down at her.

“Oh, hey,” Annabeth said, blinking. “I was just coming back from the bathroom.”

Percy laughed and said, “Yeah, I kind of figured.”

There was an awkward pause where Annabeth debated if she should continue talking to him or if that would break his focus. His body language was relaxed, but Annabeth could tell that there was some tension in his shoulders. The way he lingered there gave her the impression that he wanted to talk to her, so she figured it was alright to say something.

“How are you doing?”

Percy coughed and looked away surreptitiously. “Fine.”

Annabeth crossed her arms over her chest. “You don’t look fine to me.”

Percy blinked like he was surprised she had called him out. In the past, Annabeth would have ignored the signs under the assumption that he didn’t want to talk about it, but after her conversation with Piper, she didn’t want to keep making those mistakes anymore.

Eventually, Percy sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Did you get a chance to see that Castellan guy from the sixth heat?”

Annabeth nodded and said, “Yeah, he seemed pretty good.”

“His time was pretty insane,” Percy said slowly. “Better than my PR.”

“It wasn’t that far off though,” Annabeth said, leaning against the wall.

Percy rubbed his chin. “That’s true.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I would say you don’t think you can beat him,” Annabeth said softly.

Percy looked up at her abruptly with wide eyes. “Uh...”

“Guilty as charged, huh?”

There was a pause before Percy laughed humorlessly and ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know. Usually, I never think about that sort of thing at meets. I’m only focused on doing my best. But now, I can’t help wondering if my best would even be enough.”

“I wish I could be super peppy and say that it definitely is, but I’ve had those thoughts too many times to say that to you. It would feel fake and you’d know it,” Annabeth started.

“That’s not exactly making me feel better,” Percy joked half-heartedly.

“Shut up, I was getting to it,” Annabeth said, knocking elbows with him.

Percy made a show of rubbing his elbows, which made her roll her eyes before she continued.

“Remember how you told me after the invitational that I had to believe that I hadn’t hit my limit yet, that I could still do better? I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately, and I’m realizing that you were right. I’m killing any chance of improving if I believe it can’t be done. At the end of the day, I still want to keep competing, so I might as well believe in myself and keep trying.”

Percy was silent at this, so Annabeth continued. “My point is, you’ve gotta have faith in yourself. If that guy is better than you, make him prove it. Don’t do that work for him. You’re an insanely good swimmer. I know you can beat him. That’s not me saying that as a friend, but as another athlete. I know you have what it takes. Only question is: do you?”

“It’s not that I don’t think I’m good,” Percy said. “If it was just me, I wouldn’t be so worried, but so many people have put so much effort and faith in me that I can’t let them down. Like, I’ve always disappointed people, all my life, and there’s a voice in my head that tells me this time won’t be any different.”

“Fuck everyone else,” Annabeth said vehemently. “The people that care about you just want you to try your best.”

When Percy remained silent, Annabeth framed his face with her hands and forced him to meet her eyes. “Listen to me: all you have to do is go out there and swim. Nothing else matters. Okay?”

Percy was quiet for a while before he nodded slowly. “Okay.”

“You got this,” Annabeth said, squeezing his shoulders. “Give ‘em hell, Perce.”

“I will. Thanks, Annabeth,” Percy said, smiling. “I’ll see you after the finals are over?”

“I thought that went without saying,” Annabeth grinned. “There’s a chocolate milkshake from Martha’s with your name on it, after all.”

“Finally, something worth fighting for,” Percy sighed melodramatically.

Annabeth laughed and pushed him towards the locker room. “Alright, get going, champ. I’ll see you on the other side.”

Percy took a deep breath to steel himself and gave her one final nod before he made for the locker rooms. Annabeth waited for him to leave before she headed back to the bleachers. Piper gave her a questioning look as she sat down, as if to ask what took her so long, but Annabeth shrugged and remained silent.

The participants of the final heat left the locker room shortly after and stood in front of the pool. Percy’s lane was in the middle, right next to Castellan, from the sixth heat, but he looked composed and concentrated.

The swimmers stepped onto the diving boards and took their starting positions, bodies taut with anticipation. At the official’s whistle, they all dove into the water in unison. Percy and the other boy both quickly pulled ahead of the other four swimmers, but Percy lagged behind him ever so slightly. Annabeth leaned forward, forgetting to cheer, and worried her lower lip. She could tell Percy was trying to surge ahead of Castellan, but no matter what he did, the distance continued to remain unclosed for the first hundred meters.

Before they both touched off the wall for the final fifty meters, Percy seemed to lag further behind than he had all race. Annabeth’s heart sank, but somehow Percy surged forward on the last twenty meters and managed to pull alongside Castellan. At the end of the race, it was too close to tell who had won because they both appeared to finish at the same time.

Annabeth whipped towards the board on the far end of the pool and waited for the times to show, heart thundering in her chest. The subsequent seconds stretched like an eternity, but then numbers suddenly flickered on the board. It took Annabeth a second to process the results, but once she did, her heart soared in her chest.

Percy had won, but it had been unbelievably close.

Immediately, she looked back down for Percy and noticed the incredulous look on his face. It took his teammates tackling him for him to realize that he had won, a dumbfounded smile blossoming across his face. Annabeth clasped her hands in front of her mouth and tried to ignore the way her face hurt from smiling so hard. She could hear Piper and the rest of her friends going crazy beside her, but the noise felt distant like sound traveling through water.

They all made their way down to him, and Estelle and Paul were the first to speak to him before Sally pulled him into a fierce hug with misty eyes. After that, Piper jumped on his back and cheered while Jason congratulated him. Rachel and Hazel went next, followed by Frank and Leo, and through it all, Annabeth watched off to the side and tried not to tear up.

She felt so incredibly proud of him. All those years of grueling practice, nights spent staying late to get in extra laps at the pool, managing the pressure of his captaincy - all of it had paid off in the end, and she was so happy it had. He deserved all of it.

Finally, Percy locked eyes with her and slipped out of the arms of their other friends and wordlessly opened his arms. Annabeth didn’t even realize she was moving until she tackled him in a hug. He was still sopping wet from the race, so her shirt got wet but she couldn’t bring herself to care. Annabeth buried her face in the crook of his neck and squeezed Percy as tightly as she could.

It was hard to say how long they stayed like that, but eventually, she pulled away from his arms and looked up at him with a stupid grin on her face. “You did it! I’m so happy for you!”

Percy offered her an incredulous smile. “Somehow.”

“Shut up, you deserved to win. One hundred percent,” Annabeth said, poking his chest.

Percy’s ears turned red, and he tried to look away from her. “It was all thanks to a certain someone’s pep talk.”

“You’re giving me too much credit,” Annabeth said, but her heart felt ten times larger in her chest anyways.

“Seriously, I was really freaking out,” Percy said earnestly. “So thank you. Seriously.”

Annabeth bit back a smile. “You’re welcome. Seriously.”

“You never make things easy for me, do you,” Percy said, sighing melodramatically.

“Of course not,” Annabeth said. “I thought you would have figured that out after all these years.”

Percy shrugged. “What can I say? I’m a slow learner.”

“At least you’re not a slow swimmer,” Annabeth teased.

Percy rolled his eyes and said, “So what next? Martha’s?”

“You sure you want to celebrate with me and not your family?” Annabeth asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh don’t worry about that,” Percy laughed. “I know they’ll monopolize me later today. But first, I want that chocolate milkshake you promised me.”

Annabeth bit the inside of her cheek and tried not to get carried away by what he was saying. Still, she couldn’t help the feeling of exhilaration washing over her.

“Alright, Martha’s it is,” Annabeth said. “Go finish your shower and get dressed. I’ll be waiting for you.”

Percy nodded and left to tell his family their plans and to say goodbye to the rest of their friends, who were getting ready to leave. Piper gave her a knowing look on her way out, but Annabeth made a show of pointedly ignoring her.

A short while later, Percy met her at the entrance to the parking lot, his hair still wet from the shower. They drove to Martha’s in silence, only accompanied by the feeble radio in her dad’s car. The sun was just beginning to set, diffusing pink and blue across the spread of the horizon. At that proximity, Percy smelled distractingly of body wash, making Annabeth’s face prickle.

“I meant what I said earlier, you know?” Percy said, breaking the silence.

Annabeth glanced at him. “Hmm?”

“What you told me really helped,” Percy said.

“You’re being too nice,” Annabeth said.

“No, seriously, I was pretty sure I was gonna lose. Like on the last hundred meters, I kept thinking that it was only natural that I would let everyone down again, but then I heard your voice in my head, saying ‘All you have to do is go out there and swim’. I don’t know how or why, but that got me out of my own head and helped me win,” Percy explained.

Annabeth’s throat was dry. “I’m, uh, glad it helped.”

She caught his soft smile in the mirror. “Yeah, me too.”

“It’ll be your turn in April,” he said. “You’ll win State too, and then I’ll have to be the one buying milkshakes next time around.”

“Damn straight,” Annabeth said. “I can’t rest until I kick Reyna’s ass.”

“I can’t tell if you hate her or adore her,” Percy said, smirking.

“A little of both,” Annabeth admitted. “People that have never lost once in their lives piss me off, but Reyna’s a good person and fun to be around.”

“I did beat her at the batting cages,” Percy pointed out.

“Doesn’t count unless I’m the one doing it,” Annabeth said, shaking her head.

Percy’s grin grew wider before he turned away from her, making Annabeth scowl. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, I just thought that was a very ‘Annabeth’ thing to say,” Percy said, shrugging.

“Is that a good or a bad thing?”

“Hmm, I wonder,” Percy said, still grinning.

“Asshole,” Annabeth huffed.

There was a lull in the conversation while Annabeth began to turn something over in her mind. At first, it had seemed like a stupid idea, but the more that she thought about it, the more she wanted to go for it.

“H-Hey, I know you said you’d get me a milkshake if I won and all, but is it cool if I ask for something else instead?” Annabeth asked, fingers curling tighter around the steering wheel.

“Your wish is my command, your majesty.”

“Shut up, I’m being serious,” Annabeth laughed.

“Sure, I don’t see why not,” Percy said, shrugging. “What did you want instead?”

Annabeth swallowed and said, “I’ll let it be a surprise for now. Just promise not to chicken out when the time comes.”

“You’re not gonna ask me to like run around school naked or something right?” Percy asked, raising an eyebrow.

Annabeth barked a laugh. “Tempting, but no.”

Percy hummed to himself for a while before he sighed and said, “Well, I suppose I’ll just have to trust you not to make me do something embarrassing.”

“Don’t worry so much. I promise it’s not that bad. Just wanted to ask you something. Besides, there’s no guarantee that I’ll even win, after all,” Annabeth said.

Percy yawned and curled up in his seat and closed his eyes. “I don’t know, I’m pretty certain you’ll win.”

Annabeth glanced at him. “Yeah? What makes you say that?”

“Dunno, I just believe in you,” Percy said simply.

Annabeth bit the inside of her cheek and resisted the urge to tell him that he was making a mistake. Honestly, she didn’t think she had a snowball’s chance in hell of beating Reyna at State, but she would still try her best to repay Percy’s faith in her. As a fellow athlete, he wouldn’t say something like that just to be nice. If he thought she had a shot, then maybe he was seeing something in her that she couldn’t.

The sky continued to darken, and Annabeth found herself thinking that even if she couldn’t believe in herself, maybe she could believe in how much Percy believed in her instead.